My observation is it's not an eating disorder. It is a psychiatric disorder -- related to depression and anxiety, fear. The repeated use of the term control says a lot.
I am not anorexic....but I am diabetes 2 despite a normal BMI so yes I think about eating... a lot... and often miss my targets re eating properly.
I often think we make too much of food -- OTOH the proliferation of snack food and sweet food and that it's ubiquitous -- never shop while hungry.... does disturb me... as do morbidly obese people.
When I read the headline about running allowing one to face a decades-old eating disorder all I can think is how endorfins produced also alleviated some depression.
Complicated.
Beautifully written. I developed bulimia at 14, a condition that persisted well into my 30's. Of course, I tried treatments, out-patient clinic, free psychological trails, OA. The reality is that there is very little effective help available. I met many bulimics and people with EDs well into their 60s.
One thing I'd like to add, like many with eating disorders, I am successfully employed, traveled, married etc. Yet there is almost no support or resources for spouses, much of the eating disorder literature is focused on the patient as an adolescent in the family under, hiding food in their bedroom, nothing about the challenges for married, adult women and their partners who never really understand.
Now, I am more than obese, having switched from bingeing and purging to compulsive grazing. But apparently, I am 'cured' as I am no longer throwing up. I can be lumped with the rest of the obesity problem. If you see me in the street, all you see is a fat person lacking willpower who should be aware of 'calories in, calories out' not someone who has struggled with food for a lifetime.
1
I am not a diagnosed anorexic, although I suspect some of my thought processes lean in that direction. As I have aged (post-menopausal with adult children), it seems more and more of life's circumstances are out of my control. I feel as though the one thing I can control is my weight. I can monitor what goes into my mouth (although I'm not too great at that sometimes) and choose the amount of exercise I get. I'm at an ideal weight and BMI according to the charts, but haven't always been so. Now, I constantly monitor what I eat in order not to gain. I'm also a bit obsessive about hitting the track at the Y every day. I have this sneaking suspicion that if I skip more than one day, my arteries will clog and my blood pressure will soar. I've been healthy up-to-date, but at my age, one never knows. I'm not sure where the line is between "becoming anorexic" and "letting one's self go," neither of which I want to do. I think in this current culture of an overabundance of processed foods, decadent carbs and the consumption of large portions, I have every right to be concerned about the amount of calories I consume. I call it healthy, although I admit, it can easily become obsessive. On the flip side, I think some overweight women tend to belittle us thinner ones by calling us "anorexic," as a way of shrugging off the guilt for their own lack of self-discipline. Weight maintenance is hard work, whether a person is struggling to keep it up or down. Encouragement is important.
3
With so many women intensely focused on does or does not go into our mouths, we surely are NOT a political or cultural force to be reckoned with, are we? The patriarchy has won.
4
The patriarchy doesn't win as long as we keep fighting.
Thank you for this great article. I am a 40-something who has battled disordered eating since my early teens. I would say I am worse now than I have ever been. An extremely stressful 2017 was my undoing. A couple of people have reached out to me with genuine concern, but denial has been the name of my game. It's such a vicious cycle. Every time I say I will change, I slide down the rabbit hole just a little more.
2
I recommend the following article by psychotherapist Richard Schwartz, PhD. -
- "The Larger Self" - selfleadership.org - The Center For Self Leadership
Excerpts -
"I began noticing that several clients with eating disorders described extensive internal conversations with what they called different parts of themselves"...
(a recurring blame-game of opinions about self worth).
"I asked Diane to focus on the voice that was so angry at the pessimist and ask it to stop interfering in her negotiating with the pessimist. To my amazement , it agreed to 'step back' ... "
Eventually, many clients were able to become aware of "a calm, compassionate voice" ... "that's more like who I really am. That's my Self."
Many years ago in college there was talk of a student whose father gave her something to take so that she could eat whatever she wanted and later throw it up. Sounded creepy then.
Today I’ve seen people ( mostly women) who claim allergies and sensitivities (gluten in particular) as reasons for extreme eating limitations. Sometimes extreme exercising is part of it.
As a woman who has struggled with post hysterectomy weight gain for years I know how overpowering the desire for thinness can be for so many of us. I am not anorexic I just stumble along combining reasonable eating and exercise (and struggling for self acceptance) but at least intellectually I can see both how people could get sucked into anorexic or bulimic behaviors and the difficulty of getting out. Our society values extreme thinness. Period.
I enjoy reading the comments from NYT articles on a daily basis. As a speech-language pathologist, I noticed something odd while reading the comments from this article. The writing styles of many who said they are/were anorexic seem oddly disjointed. Their comments were often long and rambling, lacking both coherence and cohesion with poor pragmatics.
Another sign of disordered thinking? Worth a study?
3
Part of the reason is probably character limit and tiny auto-font. There are few places “we” (& I was more bulimic) speak up about a vast portion of our physical and internal lives. We have many untold stories. Lots of under-expressed/-exposed truths surge to the surface when we find a well-written, familiar article like this VOICE’s piece. This ‘feels’ like a safe environment. I have never contributed to the comments at NYTIMES.COM. I do not externally identify as eating-disordered. It is dangerous to do so given my vulnerable underbelly, easily nicked. I need to function. I need my job! I need to know that BULIMIA &/or SHAME will not undermine my paths forward. I am proud of my successes, especially since I could have self-destructed instead. To call any of us disordered in our thinking insulted me. I did not experience that as a helpful insight. I know you meant it as one. I will leave it to the mental health professionals to pursue your line of inquiry. With this comment, I want to offer another way of viewing our responses, even if seemingly mounting a defense. As a group, we are mighty
sensitive to judgment.
(Line break deliberate)
5
Painful to read. And yet we continue to enable new generations of eating disorder sufferers. At Whole Foods I saw a few girls, maybe 14-15 years of age, counting the number of calories at the cookie bar. They were obsessed with their caloric calculations and were making trade offs such as choosing a ginger snap cookie because it was 60 calories less than the chocolate chip one she really desired.
She chose the ginger snap and was rewarded with kudos about her willpower by her friends. One gave her a smug smile and said that she had “given up” on desserts in general.
How will they grow up?
3
Reading your story brought back memories of how I first fell into restrictive eating. As a kid I’d lie in bed on weekends into the afternoon, fasting. No one noticed. I got a full-fledge eating disorder in college, then I tried out-patient therapy. I’ve been in remission, relapse & rehab. I’ve had anorexia, binge-eating, and over-excercising. I’m in my fifties and still dealing with addiction.
I often wished I was a drug addict instead of having my ED. It isn’t that one addiction is easier to give up than another. I felt so ashamed that I wished that I could say that I was addicted to almost anything else. But even more, it’s the problem of having such a disordered relationship to something that is so essential for survival: food. A drug addiction seemed so black & white - no more drugs. I do black & white well, it’s the grey areas that I have a hard time with. There’s nothing simple in dealing with simultaneous urges to restrict and binge. I haven’t gotten a grip on my bingeing which taunts me - but I don’t over-exercise anymore because I can’t. It's taken a toll on my body. I don’t let myself restrict or purge.
I don’t think I’ll ever be cured, but I do the best I can. I no longer weigh myself. Dealing with the weight gain has been incredibly difficult, but I remind myself every day what kind of torture it would be to lose that weight. Who would I be torturing myself for? I know the answer has always been me, even if I thought if I had to be beautiful for everyone else.
4
My development of a healthy relationship with food began when I started to learn how to cook well, at the age of 38. The source was my mother, whom I recognized to be a great cook from early childhood.
Am I correct in believing that anorexics tend not to have this positive influence from food? That anorexics tend not to be raised in homes with great cooks?
2
Anorexia is a psychiatric disorder. It has OCD components and can be triggered by trauma, such as sexual abuse , weight shaming or modeling and dance careers expectations which require extreme thinness.
4
That's helpful; thank you.
I agree that anorexia is a psychiatric disorder. But what does that really mean? The mind, emotions, and feelings are not separate from the body.
I suspect there are many genetic influences which can predispose people to anorexia. E.g.: girls who have Non-classical Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia, (NCAH,) rare in the worldwide population but fairly common in certain ethnic groups, (e.g. Ashkenazy Jews), have a higher than normal rate of developing anorexia.
I have this genetic condition and I can attest to this fact. I'm not anorexic, but I might have been if my family had not forced me to deal with my emotional / psychological suffering by overeating, ("stuffing down the pain") instead of doing what felt natural to me - to not eat due to the fact that I felt vaguely nauseated more or less all the time.
I'm still struggling with the binge eating disorder my family tacitly encouraged me to develop when I was a teenager. I'm 62 now, and I despair of ever being at peace with my eating, my size and weight, and my desire to eat less and lose weight, not to mention to be able to enjoy being in my body. I feel enormous, huge, gargantuan, gross, hideous, though most people think I'm either normal weight, slightly overweight, or at other times, "too thin", when I've lost twenty or so pounds and feel relatively decent and comfortable in my body. I've gained and lost 20 to 30 pounds countless times during my adult life, which is emotionally exhausting and depressing.
2
Thank you Lisa for your honesty and for educating readers that eating disorders are not only adolescent or college-aged illnesses. I developed anorexia at age 27 when a psychiatrist to whom I was referred to by the therapist I was seeing at the time prescribed me an "antidepressant." I eventually learned this medication was speed. I dropped to a weight where my life was in danger and this so-called professional never uttered a word. My mother admitted me to an eating disorder unit but the damage was done though. I struggled with anorexia, was in and out of psychiatric and medical hospitals for 26 years. I lost jobs, ruined promising careers, fell into a deep depression and attempted suicide. I abused laxative and diuretics, sending my electrolytes out of whack. The last time I restricted was when I gained weight during menopause. I've been in recovery since 2012. When I blew up from being on prednisone after a severe asthma attack landed me in the hospital, I lost the weight sensibly.
My mother was bulimic, having been abused my an older brother when she was 15. I never knew until after she passed way and my aunt told me. She must have suffered terribly and been scared for my life.
Last year I was diagnosed with SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth). By the time I was properly diagnosed I had lost a significant amount of weight. I know I'm too thin this time, but after 6 years, the angel is back on one shoulder, the devil on the other.
Thank you for this piece, Lisa.
I'm in my 20's and struggle everyday with this. It's something you don't truly ever get over.
It's nice to know I am not alone.
1
Thank you. I needed this and I the reassurance of not being one.
Your heartfelt piece and vulnerable sharing is appreciated greatly by me as well as by everyone who has commented on this piece. That we have learned, as women, primarily but not exclusively, to connect our body to our worth is shattering. Or that food can be used to negotiate our internal states. Or . .
The fact of the matter is, as you stated, we all have to continue to negotiate our relationship with food, our bodies, our sexuality and ourselves throughout our life and there are markers, moments, or events that remind us that we are still vulnerable and struggle with who we are, despite our progress. That there are signs of recovery doesn't mean that these moments are there to remind us of who we are and the progress that we are making, or not.
1
I read the article — which I would prefer to see as a serial explored in WELL, btw — with my heart pounding and butterflies, next to my sleeping husband in bed. The only way I have acknowledged to him my own bulimic story is by sharing a published interview about my relationship with my dog, of all things. I somehow managed to confess in practically the same breath that the lab’s gorging on the entire 22-pound Thanksgiving turkey mirrored my eating disorder, and that, btw, said lab’s moniker “Cody” was actually short for “Codependent.”
I have never liked labels. The notion that some fact about me becomes foremost in an Other’s mind somehow damages my ability to exist with her. Or him. I am 52, and I have struggled with secret (& not-so) self-sabotage my whole life. I made my first unsuccessful suicide attempt at age 9. No one ever knew.
I was a full-throttle bulimic by 15. There is so much shame around that long-term coping mechanism that my occasional anorexic days do not phase me. I have not self-induced vomted in years. That’s the thing that REALLY contributed to dysfunction & shame I binge. Right before bed. Regularly. Helps me fall asleep. I am 5’91/2” & weigh a healthy (by my standards) 185 lbs.
I am in the never-get-over-it camp. But to find a way that life has myriad foci is a tolerable existence. Barfing all day was not. And the mood swings which resulted (when already moody! When chronically depressed!) only exacerbated my limitations wrt community.
6
I've had eating disorder issues on and off since I was 13..I'm now almost 50. Year after year, week after week, day after day of hating what I see in the mirror..doesn't matter the number on the scale I always saw FAT UGLY STUPID. I don't weight myself anymore...I get too upset. I still count calories, steps, fat grams. I still over exercise. The demons never go away, at least for me...it's just a part of my life now. So much wasted time, I know..
7
I hear you. I could have written your post x
2
Your brining up of adults with eating disorders in film/TV made me think. Does anyone remember that FX show called STARVED? Aired in 2005, and only lasted seven episodes before being cancelled (poor ratings, naturally). It was about a collective of adults who go to ED recovery therapy, and their relationships outside the group as well. It was played mostly for laughs, but there was some pretty insightful commentary beneath the sitcom-y surface. I've never seen anything like it since. There was last year's TO THE BONE, halfway decent, but the main character is 20...so that's still on the younger side. I'm 29 and have had anorexia since age 17. It doesn't get any easier, and the only way I get through life is to take it day-by-day. Sounds cliché...but it works. Stressing out about the future is an eternal trigger.
5
I was (am) anorexic- I've dealt with eating disorders for most of my life.
I appreciate the honesty of this piece. I hope you (and I) can eventually write a happy final chapter to our heroic stories of fighting anorexia.
7
Lisa, It takes courage to tell the truth about an illness that we shroud in secrecy. I applaud your willingness to bring attention to the fact that eating disorders are NOT illnesses that solely impact teenage girls. Eating disorders afflict men and women of all ages. They are not a "phase" or something people "grow out of." They're also not disorders that are easily identified by how someone looks. Sufferers can appear to be healthy in terms of their weight, yet actually be very sick. As someone who has recovered from this illness and has treated hundreds of clients who have healed, it is my sincere hope for you that one day you find your way to the other side of this illness. I've treated women in their sixties who've suffered since they were teens and now they are completely free. It's Never Too Late. I hope you taste your birthday cake this year! All the best, Angie
9
Many years ago, I interned at a psychiatric hospital in Westchester, N.Y., in the eating disorders unit as part of my MSW program at NYU. To this day, I can spot someone suffering from anorexia a mile away. Just yesterday, leaving my local supermarket, an extremely gaunt and underweight young woman exited the store, dressed in workout clothes. She was alarmingly thin and my heart went out to her, as her car pulled away.
6
You may think you can always spot an anorexic patient, but I doubt it. The NYT had an article recently about a young woman with a debilitating rare illness which makes her look anorexic--although she is not.
Although it's tempting to see gaunt people and assume it's anorexia, that person could be in the middle of cancer treatments, or they could have an illness which makes them thin.
A number of years ago, I was prescribed Topamax for a condition I never had in the first place. I was a healthy weight but once I started that drug (often used for weight control) my weight plummeted and people automatically assumed I was dieting and anorexic. I got lots of flack from that--but it was not my fault.
Caveat Emptor--looks are deceiving.
4
The young woman was clear eyed, with nice hair and a good complexion. She was garbed in workout clothing and was hoisting bags of groceries into her car. If she wasn’t anorexic, then her alarming appearance, due to some other condition, would have required me to question her. More often than not, I see grossly overweight people. Rarely does someone as emaciated as this woman appear to remind me of the patients who were hospitalized for this disorder.
Doctors, teachers, and parents could help by finding ways to talk to teenagers. It is not surprising for teenage girls to be paying attention to their bodies because they change and grow so fast. It is a concern, however, to realize that girls start having this or that dietary experiments at the age of 13, an age and pattern that seems so surprisingly prevalent. The teenager gourmet should be all the rage given how much nutrition fast-growing bodies and minds demand.
2
I developed an ED as a college sophomore, and still struggle with it today, seven years later. If I had known that something I was doing to feel more in-control would eventually take control of me, I wouldn’t have chosen this path.
It’s scary to realize that this is something I will probably be dealing with for decades to come, but still, your piece is empowering because you are finding a way to survive with this disease. Thank you.
4
How alien I thought/ think I am when I place visible empty containers I never eat in places others can see to prove I’m well. My struggles began as a kid, and continue today as a psychiatry resident at Tulane. I’ve been through residential, and intensive outpatient and continue in therapy. Hearing your voice gives me strength... thank you! You are right, eating the ice cream and keeping it down is not the treatment or goal. It goes deeper. Do I have faith to accept who I am and that I am worthy no matter what...I’m still. Working on it.
4
Thank you, thank you.
1
I don't think you should have included the anecdote about being asked to model. Your piece didn't need it.
13
I agree with this one criticism. To some, the model reference could make a horrible illness sound just a bit attractive.
3
actually the part about modeling helps highlight the culture we live in as part of the problem...seeing a frail and emaciated body as beauty.
6
Actually, I think the point was to highlight how crazy our culture is, that when someone is ill and way too thin, they receive compliments ("wow, you could be a model!"). It reminds me of when, after a traumatic breakup, I lost a lot of weight because I was having trouble eating. I was miserable and, in my opinion, looked way too thin, but I never got more compliments on my appearance from strangers. While eating disorders come from a complex mix of factors, our cultural obsession with thinness makes it hard on those trying to recover.
8
Eating disorders have seismic waves that reverberate through generations. My mother had (or has?) an eating disorder for which she sought in-patient treatment when I was quite young, about 4 or 5. She recovered--kind of.
At the time of her treatment, I remember feeling deeply confused and hurt by the whole thing and grateful when she came home again. But as I got older, I saw how she spoke about her body, the bodies of others, food, and eating, I picked it all up like a sponge. Now I'm an adult in my thirties and I still carry all of that with me: irrational hatred of my body, shame about food, guilt, anxiety. I can't be seen by my coworkers eating cake. I should wear something more flowing to hide my tummy. I was "good" today because I only had two meals. That man is attracted to me almost entirely because I lost weight. It's the exhausting and unnecessary work of someone who has no frame of reference for what it's like to just live and exist in harmony with one's own body.
I'm not saying this to cause guilt or shame in those who have disordered eating. It is a serious and potentially deadly mental disorder. I'm saying this to underscore how important it is for eating disorder sufferers to watch what they say, do, and teach to the next generation.
34
A name not familiar to anyone under 60 (or even 70), Barbara Hutton, the "poor little rich girl," cousin to Dena Merrill, whose mother Marjorie Meriwether Post owned Mar a Lago before that man in the White House, was anorexic as an adult.
I believe it was she who could distinguish where Coca Cola was made. She preferred that from Louisiana because it was made with cane sugar rather than beet sugar.
One commentator asked whether the author of the column was OCD. I think one must be to keep up with any disorder that requires such planning.
5
Thank you for this honest article.
The "bashing ones own appearance" ritual among girls and women can help us bond over our inability to live up to unrealistic beauty "standards" and can be a way for us to not take ourselves too seriously. However, it *is* self deprecating. I call for women to start a "reveling in ones own appearance" ritual. Imagine saying sincerely, "I really like my thighs!"
4
What I hope people can take from this opinion piece, is that a person that deals with any eating disorder DOES NOT HAVE CONTROL over it. They desperately wish they did... they wish they could be "normal." I don't think a person ever "recovers" from Anorexia. They may be a healthy weight, and have a "normal" lifestyle, but triggers are there, as the author states, and for many it's one rough life event that can send them over the edge and clinging to something they can control, and in a way provide them comfort in the known.
11
I think this is very similar to someone who has anxiety or panic disorders or other eating disorders or substance abuse problems for that matter....a person can seem perfectly fine and with a trigger they lose control completely. Or, the person may so desire to change and with every 'defeat' they sink further into depression or self hate. It is a vicious circle - for some, medication and therapy may help, but I am not convinced this works for all or even many.
I have an ED.
Some days are better than others.
But it doesn't matter how self-aware one is, or how much therapy one gets.
It's there and it must be managed and that's all there is to it.
Doesn't make you special, doesn't make others "proud" when you have a good day.
You could have worse things.
But this thing is here to stay, it seems.
It must be dealt with.
Good luck to us both.
9
Exactly. It's there and it must be managed and that's all there is to it.
I developed anorexia when I was 12 years old, more or less when I began to menstruate. I “grew out of it” by the time I was 16, and am still not sure if it is a mental illness or akin to an addiction, or a little bit of both, because I feel like I just replaced it with smoking at 16, then depression/anxiety in my late teens and early 20s, to the inability to fulfill my sexual desires in a healthy fashion throughout my 20s, to drinking too much in my 30s after I quit smoking, to gaining some weight in my 30s...and being OK with that. I’m 40 now, and I’m finally starting to feel some peace about my body, food, mental states, and alcohol consumption. I’ve done a lot of work on my own, and through a combo of my training in a helping profession, and maturing and reframing, I remain mindful of triggers (a recent 5-day “fasting mimicking diet” was exhilaratingly easy and I made a conscious choice not to go longer because of this).
I was never diagnosed because I never became thin enough to arouse suspicion, and, quite frankly, my weight loss, daily exercise, and food restriction were applauded by the adults in my life and in my peer group. The thing that is so insidious about any eating disorder is that many people suffer from so-called “sub-clinical” diseases that still take a tremendous psychological and physical toll on those who suffer from them.
17
Turns out menopause was the gateway to yet another chapter in an eating disordered life. Yet, as gradual as it crept in and upon, and with the uncomfortable distractions of the plentiful hot flashes, etc. ... well, it's been yet another long stretch of road.
I wish I had known, had any type of 'heads up' on this. In hindsight, makes perfect sense: menopause is adolescence / puberty in reverse, and just wreaks havoc on body and mind.
And hindsight is certainly 20/20 in this case: how we berated our beautiful, lithe, and incredibly functional bodies and lovely countenances from teens through our 40s or 50s ... only to discover -- too late -- how really perfect we were ... and how fantastic having hormones was.
And yet: you can't tell a young woman this. I've seen it played out too many times, or still on-going ... it really gets in your head.
12
In my experience - they become Vegans. The same eating control issues and anxieties around eating come into play. Except now there is a peer group of likeminded enablers.
A few people I know who were anorexic, then vegan, developed stomach polyps (which can turn cancerous) and went prematurely grey in their 20's. From my anecdotal evidence Veganism is certainly not healthy. I have no problems with a vegetarian diet and often eat vegetarian meals.
11
Eating disorders are not an addiction. I have 3 beautiful, very high achieving teenage daughters who, by their own desires, strive for "perfection." The oldest suffered from an ED in 8th grade. We did the Maudsley method which gives full responsibility for refeeding the child to the parent, and she fully recovered. I can't tell you the relief she felt once the burden of choosing her own food was lifted. It wasn't easy, but even in the early days when she would cry when we placed her plate before her, she acknowledges that it was the best thing we could possibly have done. She used to tell me as I laid beside her at night that she could hear the anorexia "voice" talking to her. I slept with her for months -- holding her hand and making that voice go away. It isn't easy. I took leave from work so that I could eat every meal with her -- 6 times a day.
Anorexia is not an addiction. It's a mental illness that needs professional help, please don't try to do it on your own. My middle daughter, a sophomore, is currently suffering. We tried to help her with the knowledge we gained the first time around, but we can't do it alone. She starts Maudsley next week.
If you have a child, friend, sister, brother, parent who is suffering. Look for a Maudsley treatment center. It works.
15
We too, did Maudsley with our 16 year old son, almost a decade ago. It saved him from inpatient. It was an incredibly difficult journey to go on with him, sittiing at the table with him until he ate. We did it under a professionals guidance too. His little sister and I "spiked" the milkshakes with cream and the casseroles with cheese and cream, as we were instructed. She and I put on some pounds. She is now obese and I am a bit overweight. It was still a life-saver for him. I worry about her. For me, I am a bit chubby at 58, I know how to dress and still get compliments. I am rejoining Weight Watchers for me. It works for me. Everyone is different. It is certainly a life-long family journey. My mom was the sickest one as an anorexic/bulemic- she became a skeleton when we were young. It was terrifying. We heard her purging every night. She devoured bags of groceries after her job as a volunteer teacher. Later she purged loudly. My sister is now morbidly obese. My mom never stopped on and off through her life. We have gotten by, but i'm not happy as I recall how hard this has been. I admire you for writing your piece. Thank you.
5
Thank you very much for this piece. I, too, am in a continual state of recovery at 46. I don't expect I'll ever be full recovered, though I have sought understanding of why I had/have anorexia, have great therapy and eat extremely well. It is the constant, if only subtle most of the time, concern over food and body image that lets me know that I've not fully recovered if that is possible. And I feel I have no role models in this venture of recovery. Your piece reminds me that I am not alone. Our reasons, current and past experiences may differ greatly or perhaps they are quite similar...but I am here and so are you...let us continue on in our journeys knowing we and many other strong and challenged woman are surviving and thriving while recovering.
Thank you!
9
John, you may be on to something. Several years back, researchers claimed to have identified a gene that was related to compulsively. Of course, I'm sure there will be more than one gene but many working together.
Most addictions and addicted behavior are compulsive behaviors. Imagine that there is a part of your brain/body that is telling that you must do this (alcohol, heroin, washing your hands repeatedly, checking the gas is off, controlling your body through anorexia or bulimia, etc.) or you will die!
I hope we learn more about these disorders but therapy is a great place to start.
4
I am so happy my daughter got sick more recently and got the best intervention based on cutting edge research immediately. Her genetic vulnerability will remain for life of course and she is mindful of that. That aside, she lives a life free of anorexia. A huge aspect of recovery that has long been undersold is recovery to a high enough weight- in the parent community we see 110% of growth curve indicated weight to be a very powerful and seldom recommended tool.
I know many women and men who, like the author, have had to deal with this throughout their lives, and my heart breaks for her. That eating disorders are not solely the purview of the young is an important message. These genetic, environmentally-influenced neurobiological disorders are incredibly deadly and lead to diminished quality of life for too many.
6
I don’t know much about the etiology of anorexia. However, just before looking at this article, I was reading “The Red Famine” which describes the man-made famine in Soviet Ukraine in which 3 millions died. Some of the images in this book are excruciating, such as the fourteen-year old begging for bread and dying in the full view of people waiting in line, none of whom moved away to help her for fear of losing their place. Famine, though not so severe, is happening in many places in the world today. Perhaps eating disorders in the rich First World have something to do with the ongoing threat of hunger that has been with us since the dawn of history. It is almost as if there is some psychological mechanism that primes us up for famine but is overdeveloped in anorexics. In any case, while I’m of course sorry for the people who have this mental disorder, I suspect that a deeper dive into the history and culture of starvation would be more illuminating than focusing on individual sob stories.
3
Good luck, best wishes, and empathy to you all. There is no shame in my mind for your afflictions.
Ain't it great to be human?
2
and on TV is being Erica: razor sharp, witty therapist: a young, attractive, smart, educated, full equipped with a full range of emotions young woman. 32 is still young enough with time to grow before option close off. She is seductively so alive, her opportunity fix the past to remake the present, magic. And your reality is two feet on the earth where most of us live.
I've been anorexic since I was 16 years old. My father had just died of a rare cancer. My first motive was "control" of my life that one day had a father an executive at Walt Disney and the next no role model . .. So I stopped eating. I was severe at times with Buliimia mixed in with restricted dieting and one day in college age 23 I called my mom and said "I ate one apple today and I'm trying to throw it up" ... I went to a Hollywood psychiatrist in 1980 when anorexia was not yet known . . .. He said I needed therapy .. . I said I just got my first job in Ashland Oregon so I'm moving . .. It hasn't been easy. I was great for both pregnancies .. .two children . . but then I learned I inherited the cancer my father died of . .. It is an SDHB mutation (part of the Kreb's Cycle turning food into ATP and the Electron Transport Chain" . .. Maybe I realized early that food DID make me feel sick and there was a reason for it .. . I'm nine years into Stage IV SDHB Deficient GIST . .. I can safely eat 10 items . . . mostly protein and rice based . . . Was I figuring my early anorexia would lead to a very rare cancer . .. NO . .. Did I know that many anorexics die of their disease? YES . ..
2
is there a facebook page or other site that adult sufferers of anorexia can access to get support?
1
Found a few by searching facebook as follows: anorexia support (could also try anorexic support Can't vouch for any of them, but perhaps might be worth a look.
If eating more than one needs is to succumb to the need to distract oneself from the constant nagging unpleasant feelings then eating too little as an anorexic, too, is to find a distraction from a life where yawning joyless endless time stares at you. The consequence, whether overweight or skeletal shape, is the revenge of the pleasures denied our body and mind. It's a cry of the body that rarely gets to feel the warm delectable feel of water in pool or the body of a breathing sweating being next to you. Is it any wonder that these problems emerge most around puberty? And it doesn't help that America is among the least liberal of affluent societies where sex is celebrated -- with sex education in schools.
There are also the pleasures of pure physical play, not play-to-win. As play theorist, Brian Sutton-Smith tells us:The opposite of play is not work. It is depression.
Free our girls to the joys and pleasures that abound our existence if we want a n enduring solution to last a life, young or old.
2
Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous saved my life- allows me to be thin, healthy, and happy as well as neutral around food: https://www.foodaddicts.org/
2
I am wondering if taking care of a pet would be therapeutic for those suffering from eating disorders? Taking care of others can teach us how to love ourselves.
7
Such an important topic--> living with ED as an adult. I went into intensive outpatient treatment at age 46 following 30 years of bulimia. Indeed, I felt like the granny of the bunch, but I also had many life experiences and inner resources to draw upon. I had this sliver of opportunity to take time off from work and to dive into recovery, and, by gosh, I was going to do it! That was 2.5 yrs ago. Recovery is a daily process and, I'm guessing, will always be. Those habituated ways of thinking about body size/shape, worth, healthy vs. unhealthy foods--disordered to the core--take time and energy to shift. Some days the effort of recovery is front and center, while other days, it falls into the background. Moments of enjoying food have increased greatly, just truly savoring something that tastes good without the chatter of guilt in my head. THAT is freedom! Some tools/resources I've found helpful along the road of recovery: 8 Keys of Recovery from an Eating Disorder (Carolyn Costin); Hunger, Hope, and Healing: A Yoga Approach to Reclaiming your Relationship With Your Body & Food (Sarah Joy Marsh); Intuitive Eating; self-compassion.org (Dr. Kristen Neff). One breath at a time, anything is possible.
6
It's really hard to recover from this disease when, for instance, photographers ask you to model, actresses get skinnier every year and everyone just accepts it, and everyone-- EVERYONE-- is on a diet. Men, women, teens, 20somethings, 30somethings, 40somethings...I honesly don't think I know a SINGLE human being on Earth right now who isn't actively on a diet. And most of them talk about it at least once every time you see them. So what are you supposed to do? Hide in your room forever?
Frankly, as deeply personal as the disease and its manifestations are, it is not just an individual's disease; it's a societal disease. No one should be asking anorexics to model, and they should not be on TV-- especially not on shows marketed to children and tweens, like Stranger Things or anything on the Disney channel.
7
It's interesting that your website says you are "obsessed with nutrition and wellness." Unfortunately this article doesn't even bring up that for many women eating disorders are rooted in obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is frequent for many young (and old) women to fuel (and mask) their eating disorders with an unhealthy focus on nutrition and wellness. It is disturbing to see that the author is promoting moving on from anorexia while at the same time continuing an "obsession" with nutrition. For most anorexics, having an obsession with "wellness" and "nutrition" is often one small step away from falling into old habits.
9
You never hear about adult anorexics growing up because they don't call it that anymore when you're an adult. If you're an adult with the disease, you just tell people you're on a diet-- and they will all believe you because they're all on diets, too. Or they're on a "cleanse."
6
This is me, five years ago, failing to understand how I could have "everything" and still feel like nothing.
This is me, after IOP, antidepressants, anti anxiety meds, four nutritionists and three psychologists, finally ending therapy only to realize that I'm still on the edge of dipping back into my obsession.
This is me - an addict - yes, addict - addicted to anorexic and bulimic and self-harming behavior to cope with stress and life and marriage and work and kids. And it is an addiction, because trust me when I say I get as much of a high off of restricting, purging, or harming as I ever did on even the most powerful opioids in the hospital (post-surgery).
This is me - a size I cannot even write, a weight that disgusts me, restricting more and more because I cannot run yet and I've gained too much after spinal fusion surgery.
Don't tell me I'm not fat - I can't believe you. Don't tell me you know what it's like, unless you've slipped a toothbrush down your throat at Chili's while your two kids wait outside of the bathroom for you to drive them home, all because you ate three bits of your son's pasta. Don't say it's part of getting older, unless you've lived with this disease for 30 years. I hate my body. I hate myself. I'm learning to not hate myself so much, and for that, I'm grateful. Today I'm sober - I didn't purge, restrict, or harm - and for that I am very very grateful.
20
Like most diseases of distraction -- overeating, over-resting, overworking, over-drinking, and now over-online activity -- anorexia, too is a symptom of a deeper problem that perhaps is best explained by the insight that existential psychologist, Rollo May provides: “The human being cannot live in a condition of emptiness for long: if he is not growing toward something, he does not merely stagnate; the pent-up potentialities turn into morbidity and despair, and eventually into destructive activities”
Our compulsive drift into self-harming activities is an indication of our general lack of meaning we feel in our lives. It's a disease of feeling "nobody."
To counter it is reclaim what we already are born with: our irrepressible curiosity and sense of wonder, our autonomy and agency, our desire for human connection and, yes, play -- like tobogganing, and not only when you're a child but also as a septuagenarian, something I can personally attest to the pleasures of doing this winter in freshly fallen snow out of submission to the urging of my pure "desire."
Embrace the desires we come with and the many versions of anxieties spilling into feeling nobody will evaporate,
1
I hear you, Julia. I have been there and relate to everything that you describe. Thank God for your sobriety today.
2
Thank you. My brother is drug addict and alcoholic. When he is sober, he exercised to the extent of half triathalons on a daily basis then ate a gallon of ice cream at night. He blew out his body after 40 years and now is opiod addicted and drinking. I've struggled most of my life with food but not drugs. But for the grace of god go I?
1
One question are you also OCD?
6
I see a troubling trend in these comments of acquaintances of people struggling with anorexia and survivors themselves patting themselves on the back for recovering or shaming those who haven't, perhaps this is a way of quelling residual guilt in some cases. Call it an addiction, chronic behavioral disorder, whatever you like. Just don't kid yourself that such an approach is reductive and purely semantic. The real root of these conditions are too complex to dismiss with single words and lie in the in the anorexic's specific maladaptive reactions to inherent subjective mental/biological and societal factors that bear on them. Addict, anorexic, chronic self harmers..they all tug at the only thing they truly know they control, their own existence.
20
My Anorexia began in college. After being force fed and topping the scales at 110, I was declared “cured.” But, I kept gaining, so my parents put me on another diet. I was 19. I’m now 70, and still have an eating disorder. For the past 20 years or so, I haven’t been able to fast after binges. Severe arthritis, a broken neck and back, and other body failings, my ability to exercise is greatly curtailed. Whether I lose my appetite at some point, or continue into obesity, I know I’ll bring my eating disorder to my grave.
12
Maureen, my heart goes out to you. I don't know what else to say. I wish I could give you a hug.
5
I don't know much about anorexia, but I do know many people with eating disorders. And I'm not ever going to be convinced its an addiction, as some here are saying. No way. Its a psychological disorder that is not yet even close to being fully understood. I've listened to their stories, about the when it started, how they eventually recognized their problem. And they always ring true to better understood psych disorders. It hits them suddenly, sometimes they identify a trigger but not all, they feel like they are watching themselves from a distance, feel real compulsions to act a certain way, driven to act. They all will hit a bottom where they try to fix themselves (while still hiding their problems) then slipping back in - these occur more then once - till somewhere down the line they fail so badly they lose control of their lives, and the disorder, illness if you will, overcomes them.
That's not an addiction. Oh the surrounding behaviors might look like those of a drug/substance addict (as this author describes) but its not a deep physical craving for a substance, or even a "look". Its way beyond that...
I hope all those with eating disorders find help and some sort of peace. But for those looking-in, parents, siblings, friends, etc - forget what you think you know, you dont know noth'n about this. Also seek some help for yourself to learn coping and assistance skills.
16
You have no idea what it's like to crave restriction/purging/self-harm so much that you would do anything, give anything to feel that release and rush. Oh, wait - sounds a lot like addiction, doesn't it? It has nothing to do with a look, but man that is a nice perk. It's the rush. That blast of brief something that I felt when I was restricting. The immense euphoria from a purge, or a good slam/cut/burn. It is a compulsion, but it is so much more than that. Did it start as a coping skill to an often horrific childhood? Yes. But once I got that first hit, man, I was done for. Shame there's no methadone for the buzz I felt when I went two days without food.
3
Your first few words were accurate: "I don't know much about anorexia."
Let's leave it at that.
The rest of your post is armchair psychiatry.
5
It's a myth that anorexia only appears in First World countries or that it's a recent phenomenon. It's a form of mental illness that manifests in societies that equate extreme self-denial, especially female self-denial, with holiness, purity, or perfection. Several Christian saints and hermits appear to have suffered from anorexia. The mystic Simone Weil who believed that by starving herself she was expressing solidarity with the French working class, died of anorexia. Just recently, a young Jain woman in India starved herself to death, with the full compliance and approval of her parents, because she and they believed that extreme fasting was a sign of religious merit.
In our society women don't equate self starvation with holiness, but they equate extreme thinness with physical and psychological perfection. In biologically susceptible people, this is enough to trigger and sustain the illness.
29
Catherine of Siena
2
Thank you, Ms. Fogarty, for this article.
I first succeeded at puking when I was 17. That was in the early-80's. I binge-and-purged for 11 years, before I stopped - the first time. I stopped for 7 years. I started again the day my first husband and I decided to call it quits. I was so surprised to have the disorder back in my life that I made a film about it. Eventually, I stopped again I certainly assumed it would never return. But it did. And stopped. And did. And stopped. And, and, and...
Now, at 54, it's been back for over 10 years - uh, 12, actually. Less, sure - nowhere near my worst, as the author of this salient and sobering article acknowledges - but it's there, and sometimes I do think it will be with me for the rest of my life. To be honest, it's the longest relationship I've ever had... Contrary-seeming, it's a relationship with myself. I guess *I'm* the longest relationship I'm ever going to have; bulimia, or even just the food distraction and obsession - at parties, or holidays, or spending time with family, or when craving a dessert - is somehow how I "do" me, "be" me.
I appreciate this article, and agree. Maybe I need to make another film.
22
That sounds like a film that truly needs to be made!
1
Have you ever been in an ED program? I think talking with a specialist might help more than a video. I’m a Mom fighting for my daughter and I hope you find help.
1
I am wishing you and your daughter god-speed in her recovery. She is lucky to have such a caring mother. This article is probably alarming to read since it is about those many of us whose ED has persisted throughout a life. It's not the case with everyone, perhaps not the case with most people, but the longevity was what the article was about.
I'm going to sound defensive here. My above post was not a request for recommendations about what I should do "to help" myself. I've been in therapy and programs for thirty years, and I am now. I know a lot about this. My first film is in the collection of many, many universities, institutes and organizations. I say this to let you know that it may have helped people - but that wasn't even my point in doing so. It helped *me.* Making art is one way to heal or work with the difficulty, to create something powerful or even beautiful, out of something not beautiful.
Anorexia appears, most often, at an age when food and weight obsession begin and begin to seem 'normal'. The 'payoff' for anorexics, of course, is amazingly trim, yes even thin, bodies....a goal for most girls and women and some men.
However, Anorexia is completely and totally a mental illness, and a disease of distorted body image.
I knew a young man with this illness, and even while in the hospital for the condition, he wanted to go out and exercise, and was so angry and upset because the hospital staff did not understand his 'food restrictions'.
I discovered quickly that a rational conversation about his issues could not happen. He simply did not hear that he was in a critical, even life threatening, condition, and that his thinking was completely disordered. Conversations just went in circles, with the "yes, but.." syndrome dominating his conversation.
Of course anorexia doesn't 'go away', although there are cases in which it lessens and even seems to be gone as time goes by.
There are other mental abnormalities that start in the teenage years, and often improve with age, and possibly with hormone changes, or who knows what other biochemical/body changes.
10
My eating disorded daughter, hospitalized against her will at age 14, followed by many many struggles that do not bear repeating is now pregnant, late 30s, and having a hard time dealing with her clothes not fitting and just getting bigger all over and feeling fat. She refuses pregnancy pictures. I have come to view anorexia as an addiction...addicted to a certain feeling, both mental and in how clothes fit and feel. I learned slowly and painfully to stop worrying about her. She didn't listen anyway, of course. What addict does? Al Anon was quite helpful for me. And addicts trade one addiction for another, in general, I understand...so hers was and is and will no doubt be addiction to working out. It is discouraging and often heartbreaking for those on the "outside." We stopped talking about it over 20 years ago. "I did not cause it, I cannot control it, I cannot cure it." So hard for a mother. PS: she is happy to be pregnant and I was so grateful she could get pregnant I cried (after we hung up). I love her. One thing I have said to myself is that you carry some children longer than others....and they won't know how that feels until they are parents.
43
My best friend growing up was an anorexic. My sister is bipolar. My husband was an alcoholic. These three diseases affected their victims and those around them in remarkably similar ways. So much anxiety, deceit, fear, disgust, disappointment and anger became a part of daily life. I watched all three of my loved ones flirt with death on numerous occasions.
I don't think anyone gets over any of these disorders; they just learn to cope. Hopefully mental health care will continue to improve and we will find better treatments for these people.
43
I made what I thought was a great like-minded artistic, creative friend at a retreat. I did think she was too thin (58 yrs old) but very cool and similar backgrounds. Never married, no children. We emailed everyday. I have had eating and anxiety issues myself, but during my 1st pregnancy, I just decided life was too short and faced my fears, plowed through anxiety attacks until they lost their fear factor. and influence
Not saying everyone can do that. However, now at 67 i look back and ahead at a wonderful life where fear is not allowed to RUN my life. New friend and I emailed daily. I'm pretty perceptive and slowly a picture of an almost 60 yr old woman who had never overcome this disorder. She basically fed her life to this disorder. How obvious it was to an outsider -- and how sad. From an affluent family, she wrangled medicaid at 40, has never worked a real job, lives in a condo owned by mommy, adores her still overcontrolling parents, still thinks she's too fat, incredibly rigid, no marriage, no children, takes no chances as her life grows more narrow.
Well - guess what she broke up with me! Said I triggered her -- stupid stupid word. Sorry if my normalcy and love of risk and taking chances at life triggers you -- I just couldn't deal with such a wasted life by such a gifted person with so many possibilities. I was very relieved to let her go. I started reading about the disorder and discovered that it never really goes away -- just managed.
35
No offense, but you'd trigger me too. Accept it, work with it, love the risk of being fat - that's not something that is possible in my life. You cannot begin to know the depths of self-hatred that your friend lives with, or the constant draw to the incredibly joyful rush of controlling every aspect of your food and activity. It is like playing God, but as you noted, you can never stop. Do you think we WANT to die? This isn't something that can just be plowed through, no more than anxiety disorders can be pushed aside, or major depressive disorder can be perked up by wearing makeup and getting out for the day. It's a disease, no less so than cancer or diabetes or alcoholism. If I could snap out of it, don't you think I would?
4
THANK YOU! And yes--the work never ends.
15
Beautifully written, thank you.
10
I "contracted" anorexia at 18 and 63 now. Whew, it has been a struggle and truthfully say I would not wish this on my worst enemy. On the other hand, I revel in the thought that I am not like a "normal" person who yo-yo-diets, kills themselves running or in the gym. I blitzed it and have never lived another day any other way. And you know what, I am proud to be a recovering anorectic and wouldn't have it any other way. It in a way ruined my life in that when I was 130 pounds I thought there is no way I'm fit to live in society carrying this weight around, and had to dig my way out of that one, and it was hard. Well, actually weighing 320 pounds is hard. Having your face burned at 18 and carrying on with that is hard. I still feel like I'm cheating on my sisters when I have cookies or cake, cry when I hear Karen Carpenter sing, but that's okay. Yeah, at 63, I'm okay.
17
Oy. I cringe whenever I hear people with mental disorders "revel in the thought that" they are not like normal people. Believe it or not, most people have normal relationships with food. You have no idea how peaceful it is not suffering from one of these disorders. You're still glamorizing it and that is part of the disease.
1
Thank you for having the courage of bringing this up and sharing in such an eloquent way.
A recent conversation among girlfriends (in our late 30s or 40s) revealed that only a few of us could mention one female friend or relative that perhaps had a completely “natural” approach to food, eating and her body.
Instead we could all confirm that all of us were a little “messed up” and felt different degrees of guilty and bad when eating snacks, desserts, too much, any kind of “wrong” food, feeling too full and sometimes for just, well, eating.
While this is in no way full out anorexia (been there, and it’s a different animal) it’s still staggering how much time and energy we, as grown women spend feeling bad about eating and trying to find strategies to get away from that bad feeling.
Such a waste of power, intelligence, compassion, time and life.
Hopefully this article can shed light and ignite a wider discussion, on the “eating disturbances” that many women experience, way beyond our teens.
77
I think that this is one of the most interesting comments on this article.
We western women have a fundamental issue with our body image and it shows up in one extreme as fatal anorexia/bulimia. That does not mean that the others have a healthy relationship with their self image or food.
15
Both Lynn's and Anna H's comments are excellent.
I was disturbed also by the following line in the piece: "And it’s feeling their eyes on me when I won’t join in the ritual of bashing my own thighs."
Women bashing their thighs. What a boring luncheon conversation.
What a consummate waste of intellectual energy.
8
This is a good article, and I don't want to detract from the specifics, but we see this same dismissive assumption about age with a number of other conditions. Something gets labeled as a thing that happens to kids or to teens, and society never asks, "But what happens when they grow up?"
Part of it is the Hollywood factor, part of it, I think, is the human tendency to oversimplify and categorize.
Thank you for calling attention to this, the only solution, here and elsewhere, is for people to speak up, and I know how hard that can be.
31
Thank you so much, Lisa, for your incredibly honest and relatable article. I am amazed at how much your story mirrors my own. For me too, it has always been the times of transition and stress that lead me to tighten my reins on what I eat. Knowing this pattern at least helps me guard against the temptation.
As a current pediatrician I also struggle with feeling the responsibility to stop eating disorders from developing in others (what made me think I could successfully do this in all adolescents, I have no idea). It is hard to watch others go down that path knowing that it will never give them the satisfaction that they think it will and that it may lead to a long road of shame and struggle. Your article gave a voice to many people who struggle silently with this. Thank you!
26
When I was 14, my pediatrician put me on a 1000 calorie diet, with no nutritional guidance. I was active in sports, so was constantly undernourished. I became anorexic when I went to college, but believe that diet began my inability to eat normally and my distorted body image. So, pediatrician, know that you are working in the right direction.
11
As the mother of a daughter struggling against ED, the aunt of nieces struggling against ED, the sister of a sister living with ED I know all too well that this disease is never really cured. My family is cursed with the combination of addiction and perfectionism that leads to ED, as well as alcoholism, depression and anxiety. I have sought help for my family from dozens of professionals, none of whom seem to understand the genetic components of this disease.
I have detailed 5 generations of women in my family ALL of whom have suffered from some serious form of OCD/anxiety/ED/addiction. In my case, and that of my daughters, I have found that medication, together with cognitive behavioral therapy is the best method of treatment. I no longer believe that ED is caused by bad parenting, or societal pressure, rather that it is a symptom of a hormonally triggered, purely physiological disease. Sadly, too many professionals rely solely on therapy, unaware of the underlying physiological cause of this disease.
56
Thank you for your beautiful commentary. I wish you peace and joy. I am in recovery from food addiction--22 years now--and even though I am in a body that others compliment often, I still battle the disordered thinking. I battle body dysmorphia as well. I see fat when fat is not there and can get very mean in my own mind about myself. Sometimes the best I can do is remember that there will be a new day tomorrow. That the disordered thoughts do not have to continue--I do not have to follow that train. That mistakes I make with food today do not have to continue past sunset. Each day is a new beginning.
27
Stop looking at yourself in mirrors.
7
Boy does this article resonate with me — I am now 59 and finally have overcome the disabling effects of growing up anorexic. I had to solve this one on my own and for the longest time thought that I was the only person on earth with this devastating disorder. Finally magazine articles were published, etc. and over time ( think into my 30’s —40’s) I was able to eat normally. I almost had to catch myself though, when a colleague tried to interest me in a weight loss ‘eat every other day plan’— I remember the moment I thought, ‘ hey, that’s something I could do’ and then realized why I thought I could do it ( practice makes perfect ). I tearfully confessed to her that I could not take part in her diet scheme, or ANY diet scheme, and why. It was like confessing to murder— as I had buried my lifelong secret. For those of you reading this that are recovered/recovering, I simply explained that because of my long history with anorexia and bulimia that ‘ if I want to eat a piece of chocolate cake I eat a piece of chocolate cake and move on.’ Luckily she took the hint and the constant diet scheme planning that she had talked about ( ad nauseam) is a think of the past. Lucky for me as we work very closely together.
41
While I have been fortunate to not have been personally affected by anorexia, I have friends and have worked with woman who do. I also spent my daughter's young life working as much as I could to help her avoid falling completely into this disease. I really have nothing else to say except that I acknowledge what an insidious disease this is and how difficult it is to "escape" it. good luck with your continued path and thank you for writing this .
13
Alas, bulimia can also continue into the adult years. I speak from experience. THanks for this brave story.
20
No mention made here of anorexia in other than first world countries. If anorexia is truly a 'disease' there should be evidence of this disease in other countries. That doesn't appear to be the case.
7
This comment seems unfairly dismissive. Many diseases are affected by people’s environments, with environments including not only natural factors but also cultural and social ones. Hence the disparity between the “first” and “third” worlds. Just because something happens more in one place than another doesn’t make it any less of a medical problem.
13
From Webster:
Definition of disease
1: a condition of the living animal or plant body or of one of its parts that impairs normal functioning and is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms.
I think anorexia fits this description quite adequately.
9
Anorexia would probably be better served by calling it an "illness", not a "disease". Like alcoholism, it becomes a physical dependency, but calling either a disease is a stretch.
4
My mother was also anorexic and lost her fight with this disease. Anorexia not only took my mother's life, it took so much from our family. That you are actively seeking and working at treatment is a gift to your children beyond anything else you could do. My mother and father lived in denial for decades. I can recall knowing she had anorexia when I was 5, but the term was never used in the house. Eating disorders were not talked about back then like they are today. When she finally sought help in the last decade of her life, treatment facilities had no concept of how to deal with a woman of her age who had struggled for so long. They were all set up to help teenagers or young women. I pray that with more brave women like you willing to admit to having a disease and to talk openly about it, more research will be done and more treatment options will be available, not only for adults who suffer, but for their children who are also victims of this insidious disease. Reading the comments of others who grew up in the shadow of this disease, I'm sitting here crying. I know the pain they suffered and still suffer. Others understand when you say your mother died of breast cancer or other diseases. They react with shock when I say the cause of my mother's death. But even more so, other than my sisters, I have never known anyone who understands what it means to live with this disease as part of your family. Thank you for the article and for the comments.
73
I too thought of my sister. She was one of the early anorexic's, before it had a name and before Karen Carpenter. She has spent her life "Hangry" -- exercising every spare moment to ensure the perfect body, one meal a day effectively, criticizing everyone near her who is not the perfect size or less (including two ex husbands), choosing friends based on their weight and clothing, tracking at dinner parties the consumption of alcohol and food by her guests etc.
My conclusion has been that she can only see other's through the prism of herself and it is too exhausting to be around.
It's a lifetime disease but I am confident that you will move forward with confidence as recognizing the problem and adapting is more than half the battle.
11
I have battled this disease for 2/3 of my life (all of it as an adult). I succumbed to the calorie dictator today, despite my strong feminist will. I refuse to pass this on to my children, and I will not orphan them because of it. I will do better tomorrow. A clothing size and a number on the scale is just that: a number. I am not a number.
Thank you for this.
50
First step: Stop looking at yourself in mirrors.
5
Thank you.
You are so brave to declare your eating disorder.
I however have felt both sad and challenged as a bulimia sufferer. Bulimia is the ‘poor cousin of anorexia. We are often older, fatter, and stigmatised.
As I enter my 50’s I am still struggling with this disease. I only told my family doctor my struggles for the first time a couple of years ago. I only told my 29 year old son last week, and he is challenged to know what to do. Between my husband and myself it is a silent but known conspiracy of silence. I cannot tell my daughter. She is so beautiful, I cannot poison her any more with my food and body problems.
For me it was a huge step to talk to my doctor, being a doctor myself, but I was not offered help.
I know the struggle with every food choice. I know the hatred I feel for my body and my weakness.
I am inspired by your strength in acknowledging your ongoing battle.
I wish you luck and good health.
I have a strong feeling that your children are growing up in an environment of love and acceptance. That is amazing and tells all of us how strong you are.
Again, thank you
29
Find another doctor who will help you. Please.
3
GO TO ANOTHER DOCTOR! You deserve competent and caring medical care. What would you counsel one of your patients if she shared what you did? You are worthy of all the love this world has to offer. Go grab it.
4
As a 70 year old woman, whose most obvious bout with anorexia occurred in 1961 when I was 13 in a seaside town on the South Coast of NSW Australia. This is crazy but one night while my family and I were on vacation in the Blue Mountains, I, a religious young person, was thinking about the hymn "Be Still My Soul" while in bed, when I had the urge, as if a voice said, get up and eat something. I remember I ate a roll without butter. From then on I found "acceptable" foods. My Dutch mother, an immigrant on a budget, remonstrated that I was eating the expensive food: the apples, the peanut butter, the cheese. A French teacher had been the only one to express concern: Your eyes are getting bigger while you are getting smaller". Later as social work student in the sixties I gained insight into both my disorder and the depression. I was the child of two POWs who starved during internment in WW2, a personal history I am just now exploring. Two daughters while in high school had periods of anorexia, with one, an athlete, accepting state of the art outpatient treatment by a team at a nearby hospital. Of my 10 grandchildren 7 are girls. There are things, just like in any family, such as picky eating, eating only white food, eating junk food, as well the moodiness. One could look back and see how I changed the arena of my personal psychological issues to sex, marriage, family. I benefited from working in the menatal health field and availed myself of therapy.
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In my humble opinion, as someone who hit rock bottom back in my teens, with that terrible disease called anorexia, there is only one way to go forward. It is the knowledge that each and every day is a struggle and we (humans) must fight that battle not to fall into that terrible pit. And yes, it is the love of my family that gives me the strength to continue each and every day!
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This article was incredibly painful to read. Ms. Fogarty - I can only imagine the courage it took for you to write this. You shared feelings that I can still relate to after being "cured" of this vicious disorder, which shifted back and forth from anorexia to bulimia over the years. The body image issues and thoughts still haunt me from time to time.
"My triggers have included puberty, leaving home for the first time, and getting pregnant". For me, the triggers were simply LIFE. Though these triggers have been substantially muted (at age 57) they do rear their ugly heads from time to time, albeit to a lesser degree. But oh my, do they still sneak up on me.
The help that I received many years ago from a kind and supportive therapist named William Davis are what got me to where I am today. Of the many therapists and doctors who tried to "cure" me he was the only one who made me understand that there really was no magic "cure." Instead, he provided me with tools for achieving an inner peace. Dr. Davis was the first person that made me realize that I was much much more than my eating disorder. Understanding this was what liberated me from the horrible life that I had been living, one which I had no control over, whatsoever.
For anybody who is struggling please know that there is help out there. What may work for one person may be useless for another. Don't give up. There was so much darkness and despair in my life. Today my life is full of light.
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Thank you for sharing your experiences. You don't outgrow an eating disorder. Therapy is what helps you work your way through it. Rarely quickly, and most often in bouts over time, and often too with different therapists.
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Thank you, Sue. Therapy was only the start of my recovery. The work continues even though I am no longer in therapy. The work is never ending and I still rely on the tools, some days more than others. I do not have the luxury of slacking off or allowing myself to think I am cured. On the other hand, I am doing quite well.
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Anorexia will never leave me. But, being vegan has helped immensely.
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How has being vegan helped?
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Two "truisms" I discovered and no treatment center, doctor, or article I've read ever seems to have stumbled across either:
1. Anorexia is a method (a successful and extreme method) to focus and coalesce all fears and anxieties into solvable, manageable, controllable behaviors: not eating and getting skinny. It's a way to avoid life and its potential failures and fears. No need to face those messy, thorny, difficult, and potentially failure-making problems, just focus on not eating, getting skinny, and your OCD life.
2. One way to get yourself to see how you truly look: stop looking in mirrors for at least a week, preferably two. No full length mirrors, look at your face only, for makeup and hair, and then as minimal as possible. After two weeks, take a look. You'll see what everyone else sees.
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This article touches me at a personal level. My mother was an anorexic who died in her fifties of this horrible disease. Often writings seem to focus on younger individuals so I'm glad to hear the author address the issue of older people who suffer from this disease. I still struggle with this emotionally and have trouble relating to anorexics. To this day I have a reaction of anger towards them even though intellectually I know that this is a disease. The anger I think comes from failed attempt to help or at least understand and due to memories of how the anorexia hurt not only me but others around her. There is guilt too as I know that she did love me. One interesting book which was hard to read yet one I could relate to as the child of an anorexic is "This Mean Disease" by Daniel Becker whose mother died of anorexia. He and his father were challenged to love his mother and yet found that they had to distance themselves from her at the same time so as not to destroy their own lives. The challenge is to lovingly be there for the person and yet not be damaged themselves by the disease. Children and other family are also victimized by the disease. I do believe that family therapy makes sense because there may be elements of family dysfunction which could contribute to the disease -- also as a way of providing help to family who need it as much as the anorexia sufferer.
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Dear Adrienne,
I read your comment whilst idly browsing through this article on anorexia, which is an illness I have had little contact with and which has affected my life not at all.
However, the concept you describe of distancing oneself from a parent in order to not destroy one's own life is something I have lived through, I just didn't understand it fully or have the words in the right order to describe it so perfectly.
Thank you, you have given me a great gift in helping me clarify something so complex, painful and difficult in a few words.
Liv x
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I will never understand how everyone avoids recognizing the amazing positive strokes anorexics receive. Almost all women envy them and make supportive comments about their appearance multiple times daily. Quite a few in the health care field make it to CEO status because men hold their size "minus zero" in high esteem. Women are given status, not on their contribution but upon their waif like appearance and ability to wear designer clothing no one else can. As a recovered anorexic now aging, I can report that the loss of strokes for an amazing skeletal body is devastating. I suspect most husbands of anorexics have them for photo shoots only and get human sustenance from extramarital affairs. Got to have the skinniest to be the top dog!
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Yes I understand. I now run like a bunny when I find out a friend is anorexic. And to be honest, the few I have known also have an underlying emotional immaturity I can't deal with. Life is an adventure and I can't deal with people who waste their lives.
8
Thank you so much for your honesty and bravery in writing this. My mother is in her 60's and has suffered with anorexia most of her life. For the majority of my life, I've watched her cautiously take small bites of food, ritualistically fill her spoon just enough, hide food in paper napkins, and wither away. It is not just an illness for adolescent girls, for many it's a life long battle. As a mental health professional, eating disorders (which are the most fatal of any mental illness) were unfortunately barely covered in my masters program. I appreciate that you and NYT made room for its visibility and awareness.
Your children are lucky to have a mother who is able to continue to heal. Thank you again.
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You are a strong, brave woman. You have found your voice, and you choose every day to fight your disease. Warriors get tired, and there is no 'retreat' from this disease. Unlike other substances, you do have to eat.
In health care, there is a general rule of thumb for chronic illnesses. About 1/3 of people achieve remission (absence of symptoms with treatment of lifestyle change, medication, etc.), 1/3 of people live with their disease but struggle steadily to keep symptoms under control, and 1/3 of people are likely to be overwhelmed by disease sx (despite strong efforts and good treatment), develop serious complications that lead to premature death. You sound like you are in the middle group. Keep up the hard work, one day at a time. People do move to the 'remission' stage...and medicine really knows very little about eating disorders.
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Ms. Fogarty, as I read your article I immediately thought of my one and only sister. She was both an anorexic and bulemic. Notice I said "was". She died as a result of this diease. She suffered with it all of her life. When she was diagnosed there was little or no information nor treatments for it. Later she was in and out of inpatient treatment centers for it. When she finally "bottomed out" and started dealing with her diease seriously she was involved in a car accident, not her fault. A non-anorexic like myself would have survived. My sister did not. She suffered injuries but not life threatening ones in the accident; however, she went into a coma. She stroked out due to the years she had abused her body with this disease. Her internal organs were shutting down. We finally had the machines turned off at the hospital.
By the way my mother was also anorexic and this disease indirectly led to her death.
Everything you state here is so true. You are never really cured of this disease rather like an alcoholic, you are a recovering-anorexic.
While I know you struggle with this disease daily keep up with it one day at a time. Hopefully you're are in a support group like my sister was.
I respect you for writing this article.
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Sorry for the loss of both your mother and sister. That is very very difficult. I have lost family members as well.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. Having struggled with eating issues myself, I'm grateful to have access to treatment as a young adult.
Anorexia is a wretched disease. My heart goes out to you and to your family and loved ones. Please know, though, that full recovery is indeed possible. For anyone reading this, full recovery is much more likely if anorexia is treated effectively and with the support of others (family, friends, it really doesn't matter who). The key is effective treatment; there's not a lot of it out there. For teens and young adults Family-Based Treatment is often the best approach. I wish you very well and am happy you were able to write this and tell your truth.
41
Thank you for sharing your experience, Ms. Fogarty. This is how I picture my 19-year-old daughter's eating disorder over her life. We keep on thinking she has found a new level of recovery, but ED is so very pernicious and tenacious. It is hard to know how to support her in her recovery as she gets older. We followed family-based treatment for years (Maudsley), but that isn't really effective for a young woman who is focused on individuation, autonomy and separating. So very hard to watch.
42
Why doesn't Ms. Fogarty mention men? Karl in Massachusetts does in his comment about the problem of anorexia. To her credit, Ms. Fogarty implies it, but it's best dealt with openly.
25
Excellent point. A friend of mine had a young nephew who died of this disease. We all need to be sensitive to any sufferer of this horrible disease, both women and men.
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“What about the men” is seldom a compelling cry when it reveals that you are unable to relate to a woman’s experience for no other reason than her gender. The experiences of men with anorexia parallel those of women, meaning that a woman’s experience with anorexia can be representative of others’ experiences with the disease, including men. That’s why the title of this essay is “When anorexics grow up,” not “When anorexics who are women grow up.” But I have three solutions for you: 1) explain your experiences as a man with anorexia as a counterpoint; 2) google to find the essay that you want to read: there are many available; 3) write the essay you want to read.
29
Ease off. She is so brave in writing about this, but you criticize her (Why didn't she . . .?) because she wasn't perfect. ED is often a disease of obsession with perfection, and comments like these just feed that.
And yes, men do get eating disorders and that is another important discussion to have, but not this way.
15
Best wishes to the author, and to the women and men who share labor with anorexia and other eating disorders.
44
This makes me happy.....and sad; sad that anorexia is still a part of your existence - yet happy you actively fight...every day. Your insight on 'living life' with an eating disorder is valuable, yet scary to me. As the mom of a 26 yr old anorexic - suffering for over 10 years - I've recently accepted that this mental illness may forever affect my loving daughter. I pray she will overcome the anxiety that allows this obsessive control over food and her body and she will have a mutually loving relationship as you have been able to do. If she cannot overcome it entirely, I hope she will be able to live a long healthy life with it.
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