The affair storyline doesn't interest me, nor does the author's naive spin on the ensuing split and its aftermath. Nothing new to see here. Couple drifts apart - probably because they were never that committed in the first place or got married to have pictures to post on Facebook - so one of them strays because they need attention. Yawn.
What I am struck by is the hostility in the comments. You have women tearing the writer apart, making fun of her mental illness, criticizing her writing ability, trying to make her feel unattractive and unstable. You'd think the author slept with their husbands But she didn't.
Why do stories like this bring out the worst in women? I mean literally THE WORST. Listen to how hateful some of these women are. What is that about?
97
Everyone is saying Beka is a saint, a hero. I get it, I do. But, children learn by watching. What are they learning about self-protection, dignity, healthy boundaries in this situation? I chose to teach my daughter that the proper aspiration for a woman is not sainthood, but rather self respect.
71
Man, Elizabeth is so narcissistic and full of herself that she is even co-opting the ex-wife's experience of the divorce. Elizabeth has no right to call anything "An Optimist's Guide to Divorce" when she is not even the one getting divorced and in fact helped cause the divorce of another couple. If anything, the piece should be called "An Optimist's Guide to Being the Other Woman Because the Ex-Wife Doesn't Seem to Hate Me and the Kids Are Too Young to Know Any Better and the Man Hasn't Cheated on Me Yet As Far As I Know."
Wow, if this is the best decision of her life, I shudder to think what her "spectacularly bad decisions influenced by mental illness" were. The fact that she can't see that this is one of those bad decisions I see as a sign of her mental illness and sheer narcissism.
Man, I'm happy that Josh and Elizabeth found each other; they truly deserve each other and everything that's coming their way.
134
How our world has fallen.
32
i just don’t get it
25
So I have been through a similar event. My significant other started having an affair in 2012, While we had never married we had a beautiful 11 year old boy
The affair was with a married guy who told her up front that he was not leaving his wife. I tried to reconcile with her but she did not want to nor did she try, her hope that she could continue seeing the guy and have me support her. I refused. But instead of exposing her I decide to keep her secret, and give her time to move out. Why I love my son and dragging her through the mud made no sense.
It would only hurt him. So I told her that i would give her time but no more guy He could not be near my son. 5 years later I own the house and my son is well adjusted. I have a great Girl friend and have moved on. After 5 years we are trying to co parent our son and she is trying to get along with my friend. I think sometimes the winner take all mentally does not help any one especially the children.
34
Sorry, Elizabeth, but at your age you should have realized that love at first sight is nonsense. Even though it sounds romantic. While I can understand a married man feeling attraction that turns into love, if you are married and feel attraction for a new acquaintance, the smart and decent thing to do is to avoid contact, not to push for it. You certainly won't draw back at this point, but remember, a few years down the road you may find Mr. Right experiences "love at first sight" with a new gal. Use the excuse that he has kids, and get a pre-nup. No matter that everything in the garden is rosy now, and his kids adore you. They probably adore their mom, too.
34
I look forward all weekend to sitting down on Sunday night and reading Modern Love. You failed this loyal reader, NYT. This reads like the ramblings of a seriously delusional person. I don’t believe one single word of it. You got my click, but you lost my loyalty with this one.
80
Please tell me that NO bunnies were boiled. Please.
39
Dear Elizabeth, Here is the alternate reality of this story. It is mine. I was married to my husband for 19 years, also together since our early 20s. Things got tough after we got married and had kids in our late 20s and early 30s--Distance, careers, child rearing, money, psychological baggage for both of us. He too one day told me he wanted a divorce and then the truth hit me--he was cheating on me with another woman we both knew. She probably shares much of your history--emotionally unstable, but with 2 kids, 2 marriages under her belt (left the first for the 2nd). But she represented freedom from the doldrums of my husband's life. She fed his midlife visions of becoming a rockstar.
83
college professors live in ivy towers, no doubt.
18
I note that the author is declaring victory when apparently Josh hasn't even married her or apparently even asked her to marry him, or else she would have called him her "fiancé" instead of "boyfriend." I give their relationship two years max (even if they do marry) before he starts courting her replacement.
And no, when you have an affair with a married man, he is not your "boyfriend," but "affair partner" or perhaps just "lover." "Boyfriend" implies a serious relationship with a man who is single, i.e., not married to someone else.
67
Who chose this piece for publication?
Did the editors at the Times check with the people named in the article to see if this was acceptable to them? You allowed the naming of innocent minors who deserve privacy.
Also, what standards for publishing are being taught at the English Department at Vanderbilt? The author should be sanctioned for her incredibly poor judgement to submit this essay using real names.
She CAN write fiction, though.
70
Moreover, what standards of DECENCY and MORALITY ???
32
While I agree that some marriages should end, I'm saddened by the almost flippant attitude the author has for the demise of this marriage. I was raised to believe that marriage is an institution, not simply a union of two people in love. Marriage is about far more than just one spouse's happiness at a given time; it is an institution that builds a family and is the foundation of community. From the author's description, it sounds like this marriage actually had an incredibly strong foundation, and it's such a shame that the couple could not have worked on the pieces that were missing.
It's not to blame the man solely--both partners can play a role in the disappearance of romance, especially after kids come into the picture. Instead of lauding how great the divorce is, they should be lamenting the lack of community support and/or will of the spouses to re-ignite the romance that seems to be missing. Yes, it's better to have an amicable divorce than a acrimonious one, but it's better still to invest in and save a marriage that sounded like it had a lot of good things going for it.
I'm saddened especially b/c these stories seem to pop up after a couple has children, and it reads like the individuals are stunned that marriage and childrearing isn't all rainbows and unicorns. No, it shouldn't be miserable, but it's up to the spouses to focus on the good, work on the rest, and accept that it will still fall short of perfection, but that doesn't mean it's not worthwhile.
65
The author, in one of her many delusions, thinks that Josh divorced and abandoned his family all for her, because he was so hopelessly in love with her (how romantic!). The reality is that he was already looking for an easy escape before he met her and cast his net wide. Women with integrity and high self-esteem and better options wouldn't bite. He with the jackpot with BPD (and looks like NPD) not-so-attractive, not-as-smart-as-she-fancies-herself desperate woman with low morals who was an easy lay. The fact that she has no children and is too old to have children was a plus as well.
Frankly, I wouldn't want my kids to get so close to a woman like this, to emulate her behavior or see her as a role model. I don't know what Beka is thinking--I think she is just traumatized and probably too beaten down psychologically to think straight and stand up for herself and set healthy boundaries. I don't think it's a good thing for the kids to have a close relationship with the author.
And Beka, when the kids grow up and discover why you and their dad divorced (they always do), they may be angry at YOU too for perpetuating the lie. Better to be honest with the kids in an age appropriate, matter of fact way as to the reason for the divorce; they can their make their own judgments as to what happened. I don't think it's ultimately good for the kids in the long-run to whitewash adults' egregious misbehavior, even if it is their own dad or potential (but unlikely) step-mom.
68
Their father is a rat. Period. And his accomplice shames is a shame to other decent women.
34
Yes. The only ones who benefit when people try to cover up the cheating are the cheaters themselves and their reputation. It really doesn't benefit the kids; they will know something is off and not know why. They may even blame themselves for the divorce because the reason for it doesn't seem to make sense. When they finally discover the truth, everything makes sense and it's as if a burden has been lifted from them. In the meantime, no doubt the cheaters will try to turn the tables and blame the betrayed parent for the divorce (e.g., horrible wife, neglectful, nagging, kicked me out) and even lie and say s/he was the one who cheated! I've actually seen this.
I know Beka thinks that she is doing what is best for the kids, but it really isn't; it's only best for Elizabeth and Josh, and they're loving it and have even more disrespect for you. Why bend over backwards to make them look good? Why?
Beka, show your kids that you have a backbone, boundaries, that you don't become friends with people who treat you poorly. Just be courteous and polite with these cheaters from a distance. No reason to be chummy with them or pretend they're great people. If you do, you are in fact grooming your kids to be co-dependent doormats who may be cheated on themselves when they get older. Is that what you want for them?
63
One day while you and Beka are yukking it up in her kitchen you will turn away to get something and will feel and hear a "Thwank!" -- That will be the knife hitting your back. While a terrible and horrible thing that I wish on no one, it will make more sense than this article.
34
Dear Optimist,
Are you still feeling as upbeat after reading the comments?
Yours truly,
A Pessimistic Reader
46
The biggest red flag I noticed was the writer asserting that the children formed an "immediate bond" with her. Children don't. Adults don't.
The writer has not "silently mourned" with Beka. Really, it is unconscionable to break up the marriage, and then to co-opt the mourning process as well. It isn't the writer's loss. The writer can rightly laud Beka's ability to simplify writer's entrance into family affairs, but Beka's loss and sadness is off limits. HERS.
Beka may have realized that the marriage really was over, for reasons we do not know. The writer wasn't present in the marriage. Beka's insights are her own; we know only that she has acted more than impeccably -and that she took what control she could to insure that her daughters were going to be safe.
But the divorce isn't even final yet, correct? Formal, court orders not set? Beka's "self care" day with lots of drinks still to come? Come back later.
If the message had been, things are going pretty well -
remarkably well - considering how this all began - - -with a unhappy married guy drinking at a local bar -- it would be more believable. The "can you believe how perfectly we have handled this" aspect rings hollow.
My feelings - if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. And a warning: real children hear everything you are saying if they are in earshot.
103
I love the commenters worship of Beka, the perfect mother. But are "perfect mothers" what men want in a spouse? I've heard more than my share of married male friends lament that the women they married took the "perfect parenting" thing to the extreme, ignoring their needs as men. Granted, when you marry and have kids, what can you expect? But many men, I think, resent wives who do everything perfectly for kids and then are too tired or too busy to be emotionally available. I don't know who anyone solves this problem. Perhaps, for Josh, having one woman to put his kids first, and another to put him first, is the perfect solution. All three seem to have agreed to the set up, so what's the problem? I think it's one a lot of men would choose.
14
To Selfish Josh: Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy,
And you will be happy, too.
11
Gird your loins, honey— in another 12 years, he'll be bored with you, too. And you won't be able to say you didn't see it coming.
38
Actually, I predict much, much sooner than 12 years.
34
This 'author' appears to be a narcissist and deluded. I don't believe her rose-colored fantasy essay (likely the only truth here is that she broke up someone's marriage).
The most glaring lie was how the two women drank, got pedis and talked about the divorce while the two little girls, 3 and 7, sat beside them but heard NOTHING. Anyone who is a Mom knows that is a whopper of epic proportions.
Keep deluding yourself, Ms. Covington.
90
Author meets sexy married guy. Author gets into "relationship" with sexy married guy. Sexy married guy (after testing relationship) asks for divorce. Sexy married guy and author break wife's heart. Wife, for the good of the children, decides to be the adult in the situation. Author now has sexy married guy all to herself. Author, an English professor, uses this tragedy to get published in the Times.
Husband stealing is hardly modern. The only thing "modern" about this love is the author's willingness to show the depths of her shallowness by submitting this article for publication..
102
Check out what she deems 'sexy':
http://the-red-velvet-lawyer.blogspot.com/2013/12/distinguished-alumni-a...
34
This is nauseating. This woman is so selfish. The other commentators verbalized it perfectly
Beka is the heroine eg Elizabeth Gilbert and the other selfish writers have tried to be. May Karma bless Beka
27
Feels pretty self-centered and shallow on the Josh and Elizabeth front... just saying...
18
As a "Beka" I find this essay trying for all the predictable reasons. But this?
"They had married in their 20s because they got along, had a lot in common (both are lawyers) and the timing was right; many of their friends were tying the knot. Twelve years in, their marriage seemed to be compatible and right. But it was a union of practicality more than passion, and Josh was miserable. He didn’t think he had any right to be miserable, but he was."
Doesn't the author know that's the line all cheating men give? As bad as this story is, what I find most offensive is the hackneyed writing. What's become of you, NY Times?
32
I agree that this is more Cosmo than NYT. I suspect they run this stuff for page views.
9
Similar to publishing Liz Wurtzel's shameful essay on her long prior relationship with David Foster Wallace in the immediate aftermath of his suicide - while his wife, family and friends were grieving. Yeah - we all needed to know at that time that he liked Liz's silver leggings.
2
A picture is worth a thousand words. Beka is gorgeous and accomplished. Note how her beauty and warmth overshadow the shrinking cheater.
http://the-red-velvet-lawyer.blogspot.com/2013/12/distinguished-alumni-a...
13
Good work, Mim Johnson!
Poor Josh. Nothing like a receding hairline to make a guy think he needs some rejuvenating.
Boy was Beka ever well-rid of him. I'd say Elizabeth more than deserves him...
4
Further proof that we need to stop displaying our personal lives on the Internet. How embarrassing for all (including the children).
7
I suspect if you liked that pic, you'll likely love this one:
https://as.vanderbilt.edu/english/bio/elizabeth-covington
2
Is it possible that this essay was supposed to be released on April Fool's Day instead of Black Friday?
Is anyone buying this rose-colored divorce fantasy from this narcissistic, deluded 'writer'? I'm not.
Ms. Covington tells one whopper after another in this essay.
I think this woman has far greater problems than just bi-polar disorder.
Just think about her sipping wine and sharing a pedicure with her husband's soon-to-be-ex on the day of this woman's divorce. The two are chatting about the divorce, yet the two young daughters (aged 3 and 7) are not listening to a word they say. Any one believe this utter fantasy? If this even happened, the girls heard plenty.
I think Modern Love got 'punked' on this story. The only thing that really happened here is that Ms. Covington stole someone's husband.
36
I just totally reject the idea of this essay. The man is a jerk and possibly an alcoholic. He does not really care about his children or he would not behave in this manner. Beka has clearly made a decision around what’s best for her children, and the author is benefitting from this.
I wonder if josh is really happier with the new woman.
16
Let it be
Sex is hot.
Marriage maybe not.
2
Oh please. Ugh. This is absolute garbage. You are all so full of yourselves - this mature, self-congratulatory behavior is nothing but Oscar worthy acting. Someday, someone involved in all of this will drop the charade and act like a wounded human being. Give me a break.
33
Perhaps Beka's reaction is a variation on the Stockholm Syndrome.
13
Lots of red flags here. One is that people on meds for mental
illness probably shouldn’t be drinking as much as this author appears to drink. And as my wise Irish mother always said “A man who marries his mistress creates a job opening.” I’m confident Beka will survive and thrive. The other two, doubtful.
38
Ms. Covington is living in a fantasy world.
19
What is the value of integrity?
Honesty?
Keeping promises?
Transparency?
Down the road when the “new” wears off, why won’t the writer or josh feel freedom to try this again when they see an attractive face sitting next to them at a bar? Hard times always come. Marriage isn’t easy in real life. Keeping covenant. Fidelity. Commitment are what get you through...and, by the way, what help you grow up.
25
This article sounds familiar. It sounds like the appalling hash of self-serving lies and obvious inconsistencies that my ex and former babysitter wrote after they cheated ran off together. They had different versions for different people, too.
21
Using real names, especially when children are involved, is inexcusable. Photos and identifying info of the woman whose husband you cheated on her with are easily found, as are photos of her children. HER children, not yours. u claim to care for, but write about with barel
49
“Probably the most traumatic event of her life.” Yep. Indeed. God forbid that someday the author know the pain of learning that your life is a lie, which is what it feels like, and the existential crisis that results,when you learn that your spouse, whom you trusted and never suspected would do such a thing to you, has cheated on you. Serious cheating, too: this is no one night stand that could perhaps be overcome. None of us have standing to wish that for the author, other than Beka. I certainly don’t. But there are few traumas as painful, and I cannot fathom how the author concludes it is appropriate to act as if she is now part of “the family” that she and the husband blew up. Maybe the marriage was over and needed to end. But not like this. Never like this.
I second the comments of those who question why the Times published this piece. It is a personal essay so it is not subject to the same journalistic standards that apply to reporting. But surely a personal essay published in the Times should be a) credible and b) insightful. This one is neither. It is an exercise in narcissistic and delusional thinking.
52
The scorecard in this story:
1. two losers, 2. one saintly woman, 3. two children who were mostly abandoned by their father.
32
It sounds like Bekah gave Josh up without a fight, which speaks to her own investment in the marriage and their children. They were both bored, Josh just pulled the trigger first. Now Bekah is lapping up the accolades for how evolved and enlightened she is and the author is rationalizing TO DEATH the fact that she hooked herself up to a man who will probably get bored with her eventually, too.
7
This situations has been with us as long as human being existed ...but never been told in a public way like this! Don’t one think that because of the people live in the White House normalize this behavior ? Omit the names in this story and replace with : Ivana and Marla ( except they were not friends )...and there you have it!!
7
I didn't read all of the comments, so maybe someone else brought up this point. Beka "shooed" her husband out on their 12th anniversary because it coincided with Mothers' Day and she held a mother-daughter tea. Charming? Clearly a message about the state of the family priorities. So many possibilities exist to celebrate those two occasions, but in this family the husband/dad ends up in a bar on his own. Personally, I expect husbands to wait on the mother of their children hand and foot on Mothers' Day or to act as photographer if there is another event. This marriage was in trouble before the 12th anniversary.
12
Right, because I'm sure she had the tea party with her 3 and 7 year old kids at night. Maybe Josh could have arranged for a babysitter and dinner reservations, but he went to a bar to drink because the mother of his children was celebrating Mother's day during the daytime with their children.
9
As a child of divorce, now in my 50’s, I can safely say that it’s naive in the extreme to think that the reactions of 3 and 7 year olds to their parents’ divorce is the end of the story. They’ll spend decades figuring out what actually happened, and more importantly, how it shaped them and how they feel about the actions of all the adults involved. This piece is far too pretty to capture the pain divorce inflicts on children, even when the divorce is for the best, as my parents’ was. It’s best to face that head on, rather than have all the adults congratulate themselves on what a great job they’re doing.
54
I am 50. My parents divorced when I was 4. In spite of Elizabeth's ridiculous beliefs, it is not okay. It will never be okay. Thanks to Beka, it might not be terrible. But at best, being a child of divorce is just a big annoyance that the kids will have to deal with forever. Also contrary to what Elizabeth says, they did not forge a family together. Elizabeth and her husband trashed a family and imposed thoughtlessly and selfishly on the lives of two little kids. This awful, self-congratulatory essay is just one more imposition.
72
It’s so refreshing to read about someone taking the high road in a divorce, for the benefit of the children. And by taking the high road, I mean the ex-wife, Beka. The other two adults in this triangle are not to be lauded, for anything.
The writer’s self-congratulatory tone is nauseating.
It sometimes happens that we meet the right person at the wrong time. There are two ways that a married person (or an unmarried person, with her hooks into a married man) can handle this. The enamored couple can sneak around behind the back of the oblivious, disrespected spouse while they figure out what their affair means. Or, if they are better people than those liars in the first scenario, they can announce their interest in pursuing a relationship. The married partner would then enact a formal separation from his spouse, while he decides which woman he wants (and his wife decides whether she wants him). The writer and her current partner are sneaks. They both cheated on Beka. I’m in awe of her for not hating both of them forever (I would). Good for her for rising above it to protect the children’s relationship with their father.
Beka rocks. The other two, not so much.
27
children are not stupid. they realize there is something wrong between their parents.
the old saying applies: a short sharp pain is better than a long dull lingering pain
kudos all around to the main participants in this story.
5
If I were the author I would be wondering why the wife was so happy to let the husband go. Also, I was shocked to see that the author is an English professor. So many run on sentences!
9
KW, how do your get “happy to let the husband go” out of this account? In my reading of it, the ex-wife was emotionally throttled by the news, and ceded to what was by then a done deal. Her husband was already mentally out of the marriage and physically in another woman’s bed at that point. Why would any woman fight for a man who was telling her he wanted out of the marriage because he had found a woman he liked more?
I can see forgiving a quick fling (maybe), but when your spouse tells you he loves someone else and wants a divorce, the game is up.
12
If Beka is unattached, I’ll give my left arm for a date with her!
15
My guess is that Beka realized she didn't love him either and wisely cleared the way for his next chapter. No woman in love with her husband is going to have a mani / pedi with the "other woman" day of divorce. She's a player in the best sense of the word. Got a hand dealt to her, took stock and is moving on. And she has most of the commenters here cheering her on! Imagine what her real life friends are saying.
14
Men like Josh want to be the only child their wives take care of. It's no shock that so many marriages disintegrate after the birth of a second child. The over-tipping point for the guy for whom the cachet of being a dad turned out to be just ordinary human work and devotion.
No--people shouldn't stay married if they cannot fully invest themselves in the hard work of being responsible and reciprocal.
Ever tried to count up how many critically-celebrated works try to create a glamorous, mesmerizing fantasy of irresistible love around the stinking reality of barflies sharing their precious bodily fluids with anyone willing to be their receptacle?
Sorry. True love isn't found amongst the noon heavy-drinking crowd.
As a reader and writer myself, I'm always baffled by the number of fellow readers who think they're cheering on poignant romance when they're actually trying to put lipstick on betrayal.
38
How generous and kind of his wife to treat you with the respect, courtesy and kindness you do not deserve. Do you get a pass for your participation in ending his marriage because his wife put the happiness of her children above her own? No, you don't. As to the pedicures with wine, I imagine there will be many more drinks in her future while you celebrate the life you built by helping take a wrecking ball to her marriage. Affairs - emotional or otherwise are never ok. Do you deserve a happy ending? Not in my book.
22
Two things stand out here. The first is alcohol. They met and met again in bars. Josh drank heavily on the occasion of Beka’s first invitation to them for dinner, instead of choosing to be present to accept his role and perhaps give support to one or both of these women who were first trying to get along. The second thing is less tangible-I’ll call it Josh’s reluctance to work at resolving what was wrong in his marriage to Beka, if for no other reason, for the sake of those little girls. The author has chosen a man with slippery ideas of fidelity who seems as well to rely overly on alcohol. I’m not sure she’s made a wise choice.
17
Beka is a class act. A great mother and a woman with whom I would love to be a friend. She will be fine, and I think with a mother like that those girls will be too. I wish Josh and Elizabeth the best of luck because that would be best for all involved. Two lines really stuck out for me that makes me less optimistic about those two: "One day he took a seat next to me at another bar, where we joined in happy hour conversations about politics and sex. Then he left to pick up his children...." Another bar? Day drinking? Then getting the kids? (I hope by foot, and not by car.) Speaks volumes of judgement, priorities and choices.
27
I agree. I would add the detail of him getting drunk at dinner while his amazing wife graciously hosts his girlfriend. Beka is better off, methinks.
8
While adults make their own choices, this article comes across as selfish in that Elizabeth totally disregards how the children actually feel. Believe me — the daughters were not ignoring a conversation between their mother and soon to be stepmother. I’m more than willing to bet it’s not and will not always be rosy for them. Children do not forget how marriages break up, especially if you’ve ever witnessed a parent grieving the situation privately at home, which I’m sure was the case with Beka.
48
I met the man who would become my husband a few months after he separated from his wife. We didn't start seriously dating until almost a year later. His wife had moved out of their house, but around the time we moved in together, she and her new husband bought the house across the street. In spite of the proximity, and the shared custody of their daughters, she treated me as if I didn't exist. If she saw me on the street or in the market, she would ignore me or walk away. The neighbors didn't include us in any gatherings. One went so far as to say "I don't know what to do with you." My step daughters were confused at best and didn't know "what to do with me" either, based on the understandable loyalty to their mother. For years, it was an extremely painful and uncomfortable situation. Finally, I started telling neighbors I didn't even know my husband when he and his wife separated. Gradually, we were included in more neighborhood gatherings, although the ex-wife still never initiated a conversation with me.
As difficult as these situations are, I can only beg those in similar ones, to always treat each other with respect and a modicum of humanity. You don't have to like the other person, just respect them. The kids now feel their parents are with the spouses they were meant to be with. And with the hope bad feelings won't be handed down to grandchildren, I've asked the ex to honor improving relations and respect. It's getting better these now 30 years on.
9
A woman who moves into the house across from her ex-husband just so she can make him (and you) miserable is not worthy of respect. She must be a real piece of work. Poisoning the neighbors against you is truly ugly behavior.
10
I met a wonderful man in college. He was an athlete who played football and basketball. He was very intelligent, hardworking and so kind. He was the epitome of tall dark and handsome. I was falling in love with him because he made me feel so special. One night, he told me that he was married. I couldn't believe it. We were juniors in college and he had a wife and 2 children with a 3rd one on the way. I ended our relationship a week later. It was so hard but I didn't want to hurt anyone, especially children. I'm married now with 3 children too. We were connected on FB and he tried to get me to reconnect but I'm not interested in being someone's mistress. It's never ok to insert yourself in someone else's life.
76
I agree. You probably saved yourself a lot of heartache, too, by stepping out of the situation. The man sounds like the classic player type. And likely still at it, given his FB behavior.
It’s remarkable how often women (and men) give themselves a free pass for engaging in affairs with people who are married. There’s this common idea that the third party must deserve the cheat because he or she isn’t making his or her partner happy. That’s not how happiness works.
10
This is so naive, it boggles the mind. Bekka is taking the high road because she's the adult in the room and, putting her children first. Cheers to Josh, we as a society say, for living authentically! But, in his wake are confused children and a betrayed spouse. We live in constant tension between adults recognizing that their current life doesn't reflect their 'whole' self and the commitments they have made along the way. As a society which idolizes individualism, abhors anything that 'holds back' personal growth, individualism wins.
29
I understand that marriages sometimes die and leaving might be the answer. What I did not hear in this piece was that an effort was made to resurrect the marriage before he wandered into the orb of another woman. Marriage is very difficult, especially when children are young as they were in this case. It is worth the effort to make it work. In terms of what the children will think someday, it might be healthier for them to see mom and dad fight, get some help, and improve their marriage rather than just leave.
31
Except that Josh was already hanging out in bars and picking up women. The ship had sailed.
I agree, though, that the parents of two young children should make a sincere attempt to work things out before abandoning the marriage. It seems that in this case Josh went out fishing without notifying his wife.
12
" Men are less likely to walk away because they don't want to give up 1/2 their money."
1/2 is a bargain if you have enough self confidence in yourself to move forward.
4
What a ridiculous thing to say. It makes absolutely no sense. This modus operandi of penalizing people for leaving marriages needs to end. People shouldn't have to stay in marriages they don't like out of fear of being gutted financially.
there are many to structure financial agreements to make them fair. if a woman/man is a stay home person there is an implied agreement to support them. for how many years is dependent on circumstances.
giving up 1/2 and moving on is not ridiculous. it is a quite sensible way to close the chapter.
4
My husband also left me for another woman when we had a young child, whose custody we now share. They are now married and have a child of their own. Everything has been civil all along (I really dislike the word "amicable" in this situation). I have treated him and his wife with respect even though I really don't respect the way they went about this; and they treat me with respect as well. So in many ways our experience is similar to that of the family in this article (though I have never felt any need to get to know his wife well), and I have moved on and no longer feel actively angry. Yet there is something about this article that really makes me feel sick. For Elizabeth and Josh, there is just no sense of right and wrong. It's as if morality is some irrelevant or passé idea with no bearing on one's major life decisions. I am curious to know how Beka's and Josh's children (and my own daughter someday--who does not know the circumstances of the divorce yet) will see this later on.
106
This could have been wrriten by a dear friend's stepmother 50 years ago. He was miserable, his wife was unhappy. Some lingering remmant s of their Catholic upbringing s kept them from divorcing. He met someone who was perfect for him. They divorced. The kids were miserable, even though the adults were all perfectly charming about the situation. 50 years on, every one is happy and agrees the divorce was absolutely what needed to happen and the stepmom is as much a cherished mother as their mom. Sometimes amicable divorces are what's best for everyone.
14
The author is not special, nor is she in a special romance with special children fated for purposefully childless her. She was a way for Josh to leave his marriage and the 24/7 responsibility of being a husband and father. Beka will be nice to all of the women Josh will be introducing to his daughters. The role of the other woman could have been played by anyone.
80
A lot of commenters claiming the high moral ground here, while wishing this arrangement to fail, telling Ms. Covington "you'll get what you deserve."
That y'all want misery for these people — and that includes the children, and Beka, who is trying to make it work — says a lot about the state of your own relationships.
Sad.
16
WOW,this seems to have provoked so many bitter,angry and venomous responses from readers and they are almost exclusively female.And everyone salivating at the prospect of the new couple's union imploding! whats funny is that if the genders were flipped ,it would have been your LIFETIME/HALLMARK movie of the week and comments will be full of "you go girl, life is short, you deserve to be happy etc..." hypocrites...And everyone faulting unhappy husband for not having made a clean break prior embarking on new relationship?life is messy. people, even good people make messy choices while trying to mean and do well. so go easy on the judgement and scorn and have some introspection as to why all this bile and vitriol is coming out of you all when the 3 people involved seemed to have reached a better place...a place most of you still seems far from
23
I beg to differ. If the genders had been reversed, the internet would have been all over the wife for daring to set foot in a bar while her husband was home with the kids. People's heads would have exploded if the wife kept asking a single guy to go out with her, and he acquiesced rather than think of a way to tell her no. I can only imagine the vitriol aimed at the wife when she tells the husband she wants out. While we're on the subject, I'd like to see the wronged husband welcome the man his estranged wife picked up in a bar into his family. Hallmark movie? More like "Ripley's Believe it or Not."
While this couple may have married comparatively young, they waited at least four years before starting a family, and they both have an education and a career, which says they acted quite responsibly. Twelve years later, husband decides he's unhappy. Boo hoo.
24
You are triggered by other folks' opinions. Funny how that works. This subject touches people deeply. They don't hold your pov. Why do they need to be instructed on how to feel about this. I'd rather read both points of view.
5
There’s nothing new here. Men have been polyamorous for as long as there’s been Human men. The point of marriage was to keep men monogamous and, more importantly, to keep violence down among young sexually frustrated males. If a woman trades her youth and fertility she deserves to keep the man into his old age. The guy, in this scenario, is the selfish one.
12
Polyamorous and promiscuous are two different things. Polyamory involves consent of both partners or spouses to allow and both engage in other relationships but remain committed to the primary one. That isn't what this story is about. Infidelity is deception. Polyamory is not.
I find it odd that some commenters reacting to the anger of a betrayed person call that reaction judgmental when they themselves are judging the person they are criticizing in quite as extreme judgmental terms. Similarly, the author seemed taken aback that Beka was initially "furious" with Josh. Having been through a similar betrayal, I doubt it was the fact that he fell in love w/someone else that made her so furious but rather that his deception and duplicity. Even when he told her initially that he wanted a divorce he didn't mention his affair until some time later.
19
Good for Beka for 3 reasons:
1- the kids will be better off
2- she won’t be consumed by bitterness which serves no one
3- she saves a ton of $$$ by avoiding a costly battle in court
While one can be judgmental, these are the realities facing one at the end of the day:
1- are the kids ok?
2- am I ok?
3- do we have $ to support ourselves?
The answers are yes, hopefully, and yes- no lawyers eating up all the assets. Bravo.
14
Whether you like/approve of what Josh and Elizabeth have done or not is irrelevant. The bigger part of the story is that Beka — who didn't necessarily want to divorce but knew that she wouldn't be able to stop it — did the best thing for her children. She removed whatever anger, disappointment, bitterness and vindictiveness she may have had, and found a way to make this new family configuration work.
Stop judging/shaming Josh and Elizabeth's actions and start embracing the fact that people are capable of parting in a way that is loving and kind. Studies show it isn't divorce per se that hurts kids — it's conflict. You may not approve of this family's new configuration and you may not want to have that kind of configuration for your own family, but please — focus on the fact that the girls will have more people who love them and less conflict among them. That's really all that matters here.
105
I absolutely agree that Beka has insulated her children from pain and that is admirable and the way I would aspire to behave. That doesn't mean nothing else matters. I bet those girls will grow up admiring their mom. Then they will stumble across this essay and be heartbroken. Elizabeth, Josh and some readers might that Beka's feelings don't matter, but I bet her daughters will disagree. There were better ways to handle the breakup on Josh's end and there was no need to publicly chronicle Beka's pain for her children to read about later. More than one thing matters here.
29
Adultery matters too. It’s wrong.
“This is an apple.”
6
Readers, especially female readers will try to figure out why a man would walk away from a seemingly great marriage. Women are much more likely to walk away if they sense there is something missing in their marriage, even if there is great financial cost in doing so. Men are less likely to walk away because they don't want to give up 1/2 their money. If a man does leave his wife for another woman you can bet the new woman is either prettier, younger, or better in bed because that's pretty much all we care about.
4
Prince Charles left his young, beautiful and glamorous wife for an older woman who was not attractive or glamorous but was more compatible with him and understood his needs. He loved her from the moment he met her and never got over it. It is not always about younger and prettier,
3
Not true. Ever hear of Cougar relationships? Look at President Macron of France and his much older wife. Youth and prettiness may be all YOU care about, but not other men, and not Modern Love's Josh. Plus, younger women always make a man appear older than he is; have you ever seen pictures of seventy-year-old men with forty-year-old women? The men look like ancient jokes, real Old Goats, whereas put them beside appropriately-aged women and they look virile and young. Life's a lark, ain't it?
Jim, that is simply not true about women being more apt to leave. I know far more men who walked out on their wives than the reverse. I’m sorry to hear that you are that shallow about looks, though, and I hope you aren’t married.
As for why men walk out, from what I have witnessed it has more to do with the allure of a new romantic partner — regardless of whether she’s a trophy catch — than with “prettier, younger or better.” It’s a do-over. It’s easier to walk away from a messy relationship than it is to stay and work on it, and admit that it’s not just your wife who is imperfect, but you, too.
2
It has been so interesting to read this Modern Love and then to read the comments that have come in over the last 24 hours. Clearly, a nerve has been hit.
Two of the things I have learned in my life seem to apply here. First, breakups are messy and mostly, folks don't behave well. Second, people rarely blame themselves for actions and consequences in their lives, and usually have very good justification for their actions, so how can they be in the wrong and how could there be anything to be sorry for?
Most of us have been betrayed at some time, and perhaps that is where all this anger towards the author and the husband comes from.
18
Or perhaps some people still believe that cheating on your spouse is wrong.
6
J Girard, yes, a nerve has been struck. But I think there is more behind the anger than just self-recognition or unspoken fears. I think it’s the writer’s smugness than put many readers over the edge.
10
"It was as if I had been saving my maternal love for Rose and Alice, who were then 7 and 3."
It could get exciting at the daycare if Alice tries to explain this to the other toddlers, e.g., "My Dad really needed to have sex with some new women and that's why he and Mom decided to spend my college fund on running two households, family court professionals, etc."
This article does highlight that the only standard by which a lot of urban Americans evaluate the morality of an action is "Will it make me happier?" Under that standard, though, why are there any limits to what you can do at your children's expense?
38
It could be psychiatrist fees for both parents or a divorce- either way people try to cope with their own lives.
2
Truth
2
Beka told me about her self-care plans for the day of her final divorce hearing as we were getting pedicures...
“I scheduled a facial, a massage, and lots of drinks beginning at 2 p.m.,” she said. “I’m going to need this. We know half the attorneys in town, and I bet we’ll see someone in court..."
I knew right away from the opening paragraph that something wasn't right. If the divorce wasn't traumatic (at worst) or upsetting (at best) for Beka, she'd be having a different reaction. She wouldn't need "self care".
This seems like a relatively new situation. I'm curious how things will turn out 5 years down the line. I'd like to believe everything is hunky dory, but the opening lines tipped me off that this is a stressful situation for Beka. There's also a lot of drinking going on and I'm wondering if all 3 adults are relying on alcohol as a coping mechanism.
55
It's the height of delusional/narcissistic thinking for a woman like the author to claim that she has"forged" a new family when in fact she has helped to break one apart for her own selfish needs, and the ex-wife is left trying to make the best of the broken pieces. And of course absolutely no mention of all the pain the children, much less the ex-wife, have suffered for the author's and her lover's "happiness," which of course must trump all else.
And what the author doesn't know is that she is actually the real loser in this situation, while the ex-wife will be much better off in the long run. The author has won a dishonest, unreliable cheater with some alcohol issues, and the ex-wife is free of him to start a new life. It's better to be alone than to be with a guy like this.
118
You don't know him so "a guy like this" is meaningless. Nowhere is it writ or codified that being alone is better than being with "a guy like this." Your opinions and values are noted and fine to share but they are not universals.
3
I know all I need to know, and presumably the author has tried to put him in the best possible light given the circumstances. At a minimum, he cheated on and lied repeatedly to his wife and the mother of his children, the woman he made a vow and commitment to. That's all I need to know. If she was such a horrible wife or if the marriage was so unbearable (as I'm sure he claimed was the case to the author), he should have done the honorable thing--first put in a good faith effort to make the marriage work and, failing that, divorce cleanly and honestly and THEN start a relationship with someone new. Not going behind his wife's back, using her as an unwitting back-up option while he seeks her replacement, all the while telling his wife a thousand little lies.
11
His behavior allows us to know him. We are the choices we make.
7
I usually feel uplifted by Modern Love, but this just made me sad. The author and her boyfriend have missed the point. Their happiness is not the most important thing in the world. They have put themselves ahead of two children and a family. It's stupid and selfish. Beka seems to be the only adult in the situation, who will be able to look back on her life without regrets for her own cruelty.
95
Do you have a maxim for "the most important thing in the world"? There is no universal rule. You only get one life, no control group and everybody has regrets.
1
My guess is that this wasn’t Josh’s first indiscretion and that Beka, seeing what a horrible train wreck was about to happen, decided two things:
1) She wants to make sure her kids are ok ... especially around the man-child and bipolar barflies. It’s difficult with small children because they don’t see the potential red flags with daddy and his girlfriend to know they are unsafe. Being friendly allows Beka the ability to have more visibility into what’s going on and early insight into any potential issues.
2) Beka sounds very accomplished and successful. Nothing mends a broken heart more than to watch your cheating, selfish spouse get exactly what he/she deserves by coupling up with an obvious train wreck relationship. I give this new union 3 yrs. max. And Beka has a front row seat!!
Please, please let’s hear from Beka!
87
Instead of serving up a moral judgement of Beka, Josh, and Elizabeth -- because who really knows what happened -- I'll take another tack: the author builds up Beka on the surface, but if you read between the lines and in the details, Beka does not really come off as so wonderful, and perhaps it takes a professor of English literature, at Vanderbilt no less, to effect this sleight of hand: our introduction to Beka has her downing wine while getting a manicure and planning a drinks party after her divorce hearing, which implies she masks her feelings with alcohol; later, Beka is devastated and enraged on hearing Josh wants out, but turns an emotional corner once she learns another woman is involved, because that means she herself is innocent of any wrongdoing and all blame can be cast on the other woman, in this case, older and less attractive. Here, Professor Covington shows us Beka's pettiness, her vindictiveness disguised as largesse or concern for her children, because now that it's obvious who the evil home-breaker is, Beka can play the Grand Lady. In another intriguing tidbit, Beka is given the Modern Love piece before it's published and so reads of the author's confusion as to whether Beka truly likes her or rather fakes friendliness so as not to appear the victim. The author is implying Beka is not authentic, because why still keep her, poor author, in the dark? Bottom line, Beka masks feelings with both alcohol and smiles, so her children will suffer ... for the truth.
15
I found this post interesting because it is victim blaming. Beka is the one who was suddenly confronted with a divorce request by her unfaithful spouse, then, after expressing her anger and hurt directly (and in a healthy way), she attempted to make lemons from lemonade. The logical reason for her response to this earth shaking life change is her desire to minimize the damage that infidelity and divorce bring, especially for her children. She has taken the high road, plain and simple. This does not make her vindictive or petty--quite to opposite in fact. her behavior is admirable and does not make her a martyr, but a woman with class and the ability to put her kids first. In time, Beka will most likely feel gratitude that she got out while still young, with plenty of time to find someone who can be a true friend and partner--through all the good and bad that come to every marriage. Elizabeth may find that when the good times are no longer rolling and the excitement has worn off that Josh will be looking for his next fix. Only time will tell.
16
Do you mean my post is victim blaming, or is it my reading of Professor Covington's hostile hidden messages in her Modern Love column? I'm not blaming anyone involved -- not Beka, not Josh, and not Elizabeth, because as one very wise friend once said: "Every instance of cheating should be judged on its own merits," and my friend got a kick out of juxtaposing "cheating" with "merits." The truth is we don't know what really happened, what went on in their marriage, or even if Beka and Josh had been in marital therapy; after all, this is Elizabeth's story, and aside from that, The Times has a word limit. I'll save my judgment if and when I hear all three -- no all five, including the children's -- perspectives. Even then, my judgment means little, because life is messy and full of tacit messages and behaviors, so maybe I'll leave the judgments up to the parties themselves and their individual therapists. But if you reread Covington's column, you might see how she's actually dissing Beka, not applauding her. No victim blaming from me, though.
4
Children are the future, and the only real reason for our existence. What we are seeing in this story is a true act of faith.
I wish that I had words to express my admiration and humility.
3
Children are the only reason for our existence?
Laughing out loud. Speak for yourself.
11
Gee, thanks for sticking it to all the women who have no children — whether by choice or fate. I guess we have no reason to exist?
7
This article makes me glad that my daughter doesn't study English at Vanderbilt University.
137
Love this
10
seriously
2
I'm not sure why Beka is wasting all her energy on trying to "forge" a good relationship between the author and her kids. Much more likely than not, Josh will have replaced the author within 3 to 5 years (if not sooner), so this will be all for naught and cause even more confusion and disruption to the kids.
Also, I'm not surprised by the author's claim that Beka's kid told her, "I love you." It's all part of the other woman claiming victory over the unwitting wife--stealing her husband, her kids, the life she built--right from under her. It's a huge ego boost to mentally unstable/wholly unattractive women like the author--that she could "win" over a woman who seemed attractive, accomplished, successful--though of course Beka was at a disadvantage because she didn't even know there was a competition happening until it was too late.
And what the author doesn't know is that the primary reason that Josh found her attractive is that she was willing and able and obviously desperate enough to have an affair with a married guy with kids. She was a temporary and easy escape from his reality. Once she becomes his reality, he will seek another escape. It's part of the other woman's delusional fantasy that SHE is special and of course he would never cheat on HER. Stupidly of the author, she has publicly announced her history of infidelity, so no sympathies for her when she becomes a "victim" of Josh's cheating.
124
You could not have said it better.
16
Beka will be better off without this selfish jerk but a family has been destroyed.
4
HELLO: from one gal to another, no one can break up a marriage, except the people in it. And no one can break up a marriage, if the couple is happy. The guy cheated. If it wasn’t the author, trust me, it would be someone else. Attributing the break up of the marriage to the author is mysogonist and antidiluvian.
21
Double standard is still alive and well. Yes, let's please not forget he was the one who broke his vows.
9
So... to recap:
Josh = creepy, cheating, weakly man-child
Author (Elizabeth) = selfish, deluded, manic depressive
Beka = selfless, tortured mother (aka saint)
I wonder if the Modern Love being showcased here is not the author's self-indulgent, dribble, but rather Beka's love, above all, for her children.
After all, it's hard to read this and not come away with a pretty black and white assessment: on one side, two truly awful, self-indulgent people; and on the other side, one woman's valiant effort to shield her children.
Or am I giving the ML editors too much credit?
39
@Max: Way too much credit.
1
I can't stop thinking of another possibility here: Beka, a lawyer, basically befriended and encouraged this incredibly naive mistress to write down every detail of Josh's infidelity and how gracefully Beka dealt with it for the sake of her children on a major national newspaper!
Imagine how the judge would react after reading this article on their divorce court.
Not saying there is anything wrong with possibility. You go girl! And good riddance!
45
Red flag #1: the author believes the children were paying no attention to their conversation at the salon.
93
Absolutely my first thought too - that plus all the alcohol/alcohol talk in front of the kids.
20
100% truth
1
Guys like Josh choose women like Beka because they need the grounding and centering. But then the Bekas start to seem too much like Mom, and ain't that a buzzkill!
So they find themselves an Elizabeth for whom they'll seem thrilling and wonderful.
And then two people who need grounding and centering just have each other!
Josh is gonna need a new Beka soon. But, as we've already learned, guys like Josh are lousy at making decisions. And women like Beka take guys like Josh when there still seems hope of them maturing into something worth keeping.
So Josh is gonna keep finding new Elizabeths. Who are the only ones who can't see through them now...
35
Your writing implies that Beka also makes poor decisions. Everybody makes bad decisions now and then. Why is divorce so common?
1
The author of this piece is incredibly callous. Beka sounds like an amazing person. I truly admire what she is doing for her girls, her ex-husband and Elizabeth Covington. The line "...and ultimately it doesn't matter." is so revealing. Beka's feelings are irrelevant to the author. I really hope she will take some time to reflect on how horribly the man she loves treated someone else (who loved him), how she was complicit in deception and cruelty to a person who is incredibly kind and selfless. How will it feel when the dude stops calculating again? Will you be inviting the next mistress over for dinner? Of course affairs are common, love may not last forever, and divorces can be amicable. That doesn't mean the deception and immense selfishness are acceptable. I found this piece absolutely horrifying in its sheer ignorance of the depths of self-absorption and immaturity on display.
220
This piece bugged me, and not due to moral outrage. It reflects a pandemic of narcissism and never letting the facts get in the way of a good story. It's dishonest but compulsively readable (in the way we flick our tongues at a sore tooth), we all read it lustily and we're all moved to comment -- clickety-click. Happy writer, happy New York Times, beatified Beka. And Josh? Just spell his name right.
25
OK I guess. Josh promised a lifetime of fidelity, and he and his wife had two children together. Then he decided that he "deserved" to be "happy" whatever that means, and "fell in love" with another woman. He is divorcing the first one to marry the second one. All these people are adults.
So now we know what his word is worth. Nothing.
I am hoping (for the sake of the second woman, and the kids) that a few years from now the does not tire of woman #2 in turn, and decides to rinse and repeat with a woman #3. Of course there can be no guarantees on that score. That he promises it won't happen is worth less than zero. The best predictor of future behavior, after all, is past behavior.
29
If he did this to the wife, he’ll do it to the girlfriend. Cats don’t change their spots.
21
You "agreed to meet him again, mostly because it was easier than explaining why I wouldn't and because I was certain I would never have an affair with him." Really? This is what you tell yourself? A married guy in a bar hits on you and, what, you think he wants to be Satutday night bowling pals? Here's the thing: if you didn't know exactly what you were doing, then you were (are) delusional with regards to your actions. A married man striking up a conversation with a woman at a bar (then asking to see her again!) has one intention only: to get into her pants. And you, choosing to ignore his intentions, enabled Josh's cowardly behaviour, and tearing apart of his family. The power of rationalization among humans always amazes me. (this coming from a guy who acted exactly like Josh a decade ago, only years later facing up to my own cowardice and dishonesty).
71
Ken, author was SINGLE. She didn't take vows with anyone. JOSH broke his vows. He cheated. He broke up his family. If a couple is happy, no one can break that up. And no one can ruin a family, except the two spouses. But, yes, it's mysogynist and antediluvian to always blame the woman, as Donald Trump would do, and other right wing white males.
4
Josh and Elizabeth were both wrong. They should never have had an affair until after the divorce. The fact the two women became "friends" does not make the whole matter clean and ethical. Acting ethically sometimes requires sacrifices, such as not giving in to desire because you're miserable (Josh) or lonely (Elizabeth.)
5
Good for you, Ken.
1
People are amazing in the diversity of what works for them. I guess that is why we have become such a dominant species.
5
These modern co-parenting arrangements strike me as the functional equivalent of bigamy. The smart, competent wife mothers the children. The boozy, mentally questionable, childless wife is for fun and serves as a back up parent. The man's role is to manage relations among the women and be the center of attention.
Josh strikes me as someone with mother issues which may explain why he left his 'too perfect' life to rescue the messed up stranger.
I, too, would like to hear Beka's side of the story. Kudos to her for handling a painful situation with such grace.
50
This has been one of the more interesting things that I have seen this week. Little details, like the places where alcohol gets mentioned in the story. It’s a type of “pain killer”, alcohol, isn’t it ?
Would any of the three people in this story be able to travel alone for 7 days ? Say up in Germany, on the North Sea coast, around the end of June ? It’s really wonderful up there, at the end of June.
There is so much to see and do, on this wonderful planet we live on. But places like the North Sea coast, around the end of June, ... a trip to Mars seems more likely than a trip to Germany, for the three primary characters of this story. If they were to go alone, they would be profoundly depressed. Instead they fill their lives with alcohol and lousy relationships.
26
Very interesting and thought provoking perspective. Thank you.
7
Alcohol is what many people choose- sad but true. An adventure is much better and that is what they are choosing now- but the ex=wife still chooses alcohol.
4
I think that what bothers me most about this piece is its lack of discretion. Professor Covington's students don't need to know all the intimate details of her love life, and Beka (even if she said OK to it) and the children don't deserve to have their personal business laid out for the world to see. This is not a sweet and charming story; it is disturbing on so many levels. I miss the days when people had some boundaries. At least change the names to protect the innocent.
158
This is so true. Two google searches, and I️ found both Rebekah and Josh’s LinkedIn profiles and pics of them with their kids prior to Elizabeth. The least she could have done is use fake names. Seriously.
23
It might be fiction. If it is, it needs some serious editing because it is unbelievable on so many levels.
1
I wonder if the (not-so) excellent husband/boyfriend/father will exhibit a fraction of the grace and compassion for his kids when the ex-wife finds someone who really wants a strong powerful partner and she wants to have this person around their kids. My guess is 'no'.
29
When I first saw the title, I misread it as An Opportunist's Guide... I need my glasses but that's what the column read like to me.
55
Well, the optimist's lesson here isn't the one you're teaching.
For some of us, the idiot mistress is the catalyst who shows us the true nature of the spouse we loved because we always hoped, someday, he'd live up to his potential.
And then, of course, he did.
And after the anguish, rage and bafflement, after surviving the scorching fire of a divorce where, usually, he shows himself to be even worse than we thought was possible--we find ourselves thriving, and genuinely grateful we hadn't wasted one more minute of our lives with him.
And she, of course, shall have gotten exactly what she deserves.
Beka has no need to hate you. You did her a very good turn. You just don't know it yet.
275
A divorce doesn’t have to be excruciating! There’s no glory in an unhappy marriage. I am glad I asked for a divorce at the age of 50 and happier to have a man I love.
7
Why can so few commenters - @SCA included - accept the possibility that Josh's marriage to Beka was a MISTAKE and his relationship with Elizabeth is in fact the right and genuine one? Why do people generally place so much faith in decisions two people make when they are young and don't really know what they want?
6
Brilliant
3
It’s great that everyone seems to get along due to the ex-wife’s enormous kindness and graciousness. But the author is truly repulsive. She is utterly unable to acknowledge that her boyfriend is a cheater, that she knew she was commencing an affair when she agreed to see him again, and that she (and her now boyfriend) caused a great deal of pain and broke up a family. Her fantastical viewpoint that she’s just inherited this awesome family and it’s all for the best belies all the hurt she had a heavy hand in causing.
107
I cannot like this enough. Completely agree
6
Stacey, let’s be clear here. He broke up the marriage. From one gal to another, author is SINGLE. No one can break up a marriage if the people want to stay married.
10
The author and Josh together broke up a family. It is neither misogynistic nor antediluvian to note that she had a hand in it.
Separately, upon rereading the article, I️ was startled by the author’s statement that her and Josh’s decision to be together was “the best decision of their lives” even though they’ve been together less than a couple of years and despite the tremendous costs of their coupling being borne by his children. I️ mean, really, a shocking level of narcissism here.
21
I guess the reason this got published is that it seems unconventional—all the parties involved (except the children) are so self-aware, so conscious and groovy and great, that they can effect this major change in their lives without resentment.
Then again, it all boils down to two women fighting over a man who bastes in entitlement and self-satisfaction, happy to be the center of attention, as soon as his wife stops sobbing.
And that's about as bourgeois as you can get.
183
For all these years, I have found ML well worth reading. Perhaps it was inevitable that you would finally provide something that made me want to stick my finger down my throat. Even we very loyal readers have our limits.
99
The author lost me when she claimed it was easier to just agree to seeing a married man rather than saying no to something that had the potential to cause great pain to another woman and two children. Sorriest excuses for doing what you want regardless of the consequences to others I have ever heard.
128
Assuming for a second this isn't a writing exercise (the author is an English teacher) she shows a staggering lack of awareness. "He wasn't a creep or even a cheater" except he was of course a cheater, and thus a creep. He wasn't happy in his marriage? Then he should deal with that first and then start sleeping with other women. I assume all the other commenters are right, and that Beka wasn't happy either. I don't know from personal experience, I've been happily married for 30 years, but I'll bet living with someone you don't much like for years would mean you could pretty quickly grow to like the woman who removed that problem from your life. I do think Beka has gone a bit too far with the kids, I'm all for having the kids like their parents new partners, but this seems a bit much. Especially since the author is at the least somewhat off balance about the kids. They're not hers. I nevertheless wish her well, though I wouldn't bet the farm on it lasting with Josh, from the description you don't get the impression he has much connection with other peoples feelings.
46
The husband was miserable? Life sounded pretty good. The marriage wasn't awful. The husband wasn't happy. Ok, so what?
First, when one marries and even moreso when one has children, it's no longer "all about you". Self-happiness is not the only goal of life (if it is, you should really re-examine that), and when you have spouse and kids, their needs come first, or should at worst be tied for first with your own.
Second, people make their own happiness, satisfactions, or lack thereof. When did this guy go to a therapist to explore why he was dissatisfied? When did he do the hard work to explore what his expectations were, what his assumptions were, and whether he could fix himself or fix his relationship before tossing away his devoted wife and his adorable kids, shattering them all? The story says they're all ok. Maybe. Maybe not.
I'm sure there's more to the story. But from what was shared (so publicly!), the husband is a very disappointing spouse, father, and person.
109
About time sometime focused the criticism on the guy, not the woman.
7
"They had married in their 20s because they got along, had a lot in common (both are lawyers) and the timing was right; many of their friends were tying the knot. Twelve years in, their marriage seemed to be compatible and right. But it was a union of practicality more than passion..."
1. People who marry in their 20's are more likely to divorce than those who marry in their 30's or later.
2. Why are so many people blaming the other woman? She didn't even know Beka. Josh is the one who took vows to be faithful to Beka. (I would look at it differently if the author had been Beka's best friend.)
3. Despite all of what I see are "wishful thinking" comments about how the author should just wait for Josh to cheat on her/leave her, statistically speaking, the author has a better shot at a lasting relationship with Josh (both being around 40) than Beka did, given their age at the time they married.
4. If the author is running out in the middle of the night to get medication for a sick child, she is involved and not just around for the fun and games. The fact that Beka thanks her for what she does for the kids is also telling.
My hope is that Beka finds a wonderful person to share her life with and that all of them are around to lovingly launch the girls into mature and fulfilling lives.
20
For me, while this marriage did not last, the primacy of family and children remained the guiding values. How does it ever help a child to have either parent diminished in any way? I felt in my own divorce that it only served my children to have parents who were only about enhancing one another's strengths and to provide nothing but green lights with respect to the children feeling loved and being able to love their parents. This is a beautiful essay, and a beautiful model for conscious loving and conscious parting.
21
Many people reading this will focus on the cheating and breakup portions of the story. Clearly the divorce and the affair are not ideal, but these things happen. Often. What is rare is the maturity required for these women to put aside their blame/anger and fear in order to keep the family intact. I will even give the husband a smidge of credit for being honest (eventually) and facing the music instead of living a lie for years to avoid alimony or child support. It has to be all about the kids. That is what parenting is. Putting their needs before mine. That is probably why my ex-husband is still my best friend, even after we divorced 25 years ago. I never wanted my kids to feel like they had to choose, and so we kept doing the parent stuff together. Lovers came and went, respect and consideration and mutual love of our kids has been the only constant. It can be done.
27
As a family law attorney and mediator I was greatly encouraged by the piece but more discouraged by the anger, sarcasm, and cheap shots in the comments. Spend a few days in my world, and see how many parents ( male and female) use their children as pawns in their divorce, despite counsel's advice to try and heal. Affairs do not happen in a vacuum; there is usually a hole somewhere that someone is trying t fill. Kudos to Beka and Josh for putting their children's needs first. Also cheers to the writer; she opened her heart to the children and respects the mom. That does not always happens. These are three adults who should be admired for doing their best rather than ridiculed.
44
Mmm...some did their best, others did what they did.
18
@HH: You must never have experienced true love. And while some can endure years of a loveless marriage, others cannot.
2
Well, honestly speaking, Josh didn't put his children's needs first, the women involved ultimately did, especially Beca. Josh served Josh.
32
LOL. This marriage won't last long. Trust. But that she thinks the oldest story in the world will end differently for her, is hilarious. Thank you for sharing this. Good laughs are hard to come by these days. Here's to the next woman sitting on a barstool and que: Josh walks in.
57
They are not married- try reading the article.
1
The author forgot to gloat about how she deprived two children of their mother and vice-versa.
Or would that be distracting from the "honest" truth of this elegant essay?
25
Maybe Beka was kind of feeling the same way and didn't want to look at it too closely when her escape chute showed up. Made it easier for her..., so she's turning a difficult situation into one that's easier on everyone.
19
My feelings exactly. After finishing this piece, my first thoughts were gee, I wonder if Beca really still loved Josh? I felt that maybe this situation was giving her the out she may not have been able to give herself, for many reasons. I just can't imagine being so open and accepting to my husband's lover, one he has left me for, unless I was also feeling the same way as him. I hope the two kids weather this down the road, however - - I envision some very mixed up feelings.
4
There's more to the story....there's no way Beka would be getting pedis with the mistress on the day of the divorce if she didn't have some level of relief. We don't know enough about their marriage to understand it, but for whatever reason, Beka was not clinging on.
That said, I found the author's attempt to cast herself as a surrogate mother (especially to a 3 year old) really quite annoying. Those of us with young children know just how traumatic a separation from a mother would be at that age. (Of course we don't know the custody arrangement...I'm hoping Beka has most!)
39
You agreed to a date because he was off limits? Spectacularly bad judgement there.
56
Yeah, I was wondering about that myself. Interesting how easily she let herself off the hook for her poor choice.
21
The only upside in reading this self-indulgent morality tale, is that the sequel is included: written between the lines.
43
Did the three of them go together to get STD testing? Married couples rarely use protection, which means that the innocent, cheated-upon spouse often ends up with an infection. Does Beka have to dread her annual exam each year wondering if now she'll test positive for HPV or caner? Does she now have herpes for life, or hepatitis or AIDS, which could cut her out of any future relationships?
26
The author forgot to gloat about depriving two innocent children of their mother and vice-versa.
Or is that a distraction from the "honest" truth of this elegant story?
12
A cynical take: On the one hand, Beka sounds (understandably) controlling. On the other, she seems to be dealing with four incredibly immature people. In and out of “tumultuous relationships” for two whole months - this is an arbitrary number, but anything under two months, or even one, is dating.
6
So sorry... am I meant to feel happy for the author at the end of this piece? I’m so confused. If you are looking for us to celebrate the fact that you lack self awareness, and respect, then well done. This whole story feels nauseatingly ego based, every step of the way.
This is nothing to applaud.
72
I think Josh is another "spectacularly bad decision."
Oh yeah, sure, he fell in love at first sight on a bar stool, away from his wife, on Mother's Day. (Love bombing, look it up.)
This is going to end horribly.
48
Wait a minute! On Mother's Day AND their 12th anniversary.....Beka holds a mother daughter tea and shoos him out of the house. This IS fiction! Thank you, Tracy!
16
This is fiction, right?
12
This essay is the view of a thief. The harm is done! I don’t have any respect for any women who date with married men.
Perhaps you (Miss. Elizabeth) are trying to clean your guilty soul and affirming the world that you have done nothing wrong and you are saying “Hey look everybody is happy”.. It is a huge lie. You and your ‘cheater’ boyfriend may be happy for now, but keep praying that your selfish happiness will continue. When my Dad left us for 3 years because of another woman, that period of my life was saddest time in my life. He later returned us, but the scar stayed forever. I was 12 and my sister was 7 when another woman had stolen my Dad from us. I never liked those thieves since then. I am sorry, I realized that you don’t have much applaud to your story in the comments, but it is a very sad story for these little girls and Beka. What on the earth you wrote this piece and for what reason?
41
While I feel for your childhood pain, you're, quite simply, putting too much responsibility and guilt on the other woman; your dad was not a "thing" to be stolen; he was a grown man who cheated on his wife, flouted his marriage vows, devastated his children, and then, after a lovefest adventure, returned home. He's more responsible and guilty than the other woman, no matter how enchanting and relentless she was in her quest.
9
The majority of these comments are just vile. So many saints out there, judging away. It must be so difficult to be perfect!
21
No, the commenters aren't perfect, but this writer's self congratulatory, 'look how wonderful it all worked out' tone is a little hard to take.
Infidelity is just that. This man cheated on his wife and on his family, and the author was a willing participant. Those are facts, not opinions.
55
I really, really resent this comment.
A lot of people are LIVING this situation, and this article is definitely NOT our reality, and we take exception to the “no harm, no foul, our lives are hunky-doty” vibe that it has.
Interesting take on an often fraught experience? Absolutely. But seeming to normalize it? Nope.
“Judging away”? Oh, the irony.
Go ahead, flame away. You can’t make me feel any worse.
8
Not saints. Just wise people who understand where this sag ends . . . on another bar stool sitting next to another foolish, self-absorbed woman.
4
Marriage in modern America is huge mistake for any man!
5
Surely it's a mistake for all parties? Why do you limit this to just men?
12
Yes, it’s much better in other countries where patriarchy is more firm and a man’s impulses are not questioned.
3
The laws are biased toward women and against men.
At the beginning of this article, the writer describes a happy pedicure scene, but the wife of her boyfriend is describing how she will dull her pain on the day of her divorce - to the woman who brought that divorce about. It's written in a very matter-of-fact way, as though the writer was a best pal of the divorcing woman, rather than half the cause of her pain. I do believe that these three can form a close family for the children. But I also believe that the writer of the piece is less than fully aware of the pain she has caused someone she has since come to love.
45
Especially with regard to the children.
5
At first I thought what a bizarre story this is but then I realized this is satire. It is —-satire —- isn’t it?
24
I know! I feel conflicted about serving up personal judgment of the author...given the academic and intellectual acumen necessary to attend, much less be a professor, at Vanderbilt, she’s gotta know the narrative put forth in this piece borders on absurdism. It has be satire about the sadness of unchecked self-involvement and adolescent-like obliviousness, as practiced by an adult with an overdetermined striving to be in a relationship, all cost cast to the wind. It is not unlike an individual who goes on one date and promptly changes her/his relationship status online for all the world to see.
If this is not satire, the author’s lack of self-awareness and ache to be in a relationship, to belong to a unit outside of teaching and pets, kind of breaks my heart and makes me wonder if something like this didn’t happen in her own family growing up.
16
Modern Love? That ain't love. That's cheatin'. Nuttin' modern about it either. It's old-fashioned cheatin'.
35
I've been married 32 years and know that all relationships evolve, cycle, and change. People grow up together when they commit to a relationship. In this story the wife, the husband, and the other woman sound as if they all lack passion and certainly a sense of true loyalty and faithfulness. I feel as if the marriage lacked a solid foundation to begin with and that Beka cried not for her straying husband but for the damaged life of her children, because despite the rosy description here the children will and do suffer some damage. I do not respect at all this other woman nor the husband. Marriage is a sacred bond for a reason. There is weakness on all parts here. The husband did not have the courage to either work on his marriage or to get out of this lukewarm relationship prior to his disloyalty. The wife was apparently enamored of this weakling more than he was of her. And the other woman can have this prize catch and all the complexities that come from rearing stepchildren as a reward for her lack of respect and decorum. I think Beka now realizes that you two deserve each other and she's just being nice because she never truly loved her husband.
11
I’m stunned by the amount of judgmental disgust being poured onto the author and Josh by commentators who seem to think they know everything about what’s right and wrong in marriage. The best arrangement is what works for those people in their situation, not outsider observers with their strict moral codes (some of which were forged in the heat of horrible breakups). As someone who chose to leave a loveless marriage AND miraculously find a powerful love I never dreamed I could have, I am extremely grateful that both my ex-wife and my current wife have been completely respectful and friendly to each other. They’ve also chosen to be terrific moms to my son, for which I’m truly grateful. And my current wife even gave my ex a job; a surprising turn of events, which is working out well for both. And I now have two terrific stepdaughters that I adore. At the end of the day we believe it’s worked out as well as it has because we all chose to be responsible, mature, and decent people to each other and our kids. So, to all those angry, judgmental commentators, I say chill out, it may not be right for you but it’s working just fine for us/them, and that’s all that matters.
38
Well, the ex-wife didn't exactly "agree" to the situation , she is making the best of a bad hand, dealt by the husband and current girlfriend. It would have been kinder to do things in a respectful way, if he didn't love his wife anymore. Not lie, cheat, go behind her back and disregard the feelings of both the children and the mother. I suppose contracts can be broken, but the wife made life choices based on lies and misinformation.
4
Time will tell.
2
Among the reader comments, it’s interesting to see how many people speaking praisingly of “Beka”. Maybe Beka is not a bad person, but these events will change nothing in her life that will make things better or worse. Josh is still the guy that he is, as a husband or as an ex-husband. Quite obviously Josh and Beka are not in love. That Josh and Elizabeth are in love, time will tell. For those they would say they are not, I would not argue otherwise, but that Josh and Beka have a farce of a marriage, that is obvious.
Beka too, may have issues of her own. She drinks wine while getting her nails done, the morning of her divorce. The children will soon have Facebook accounts of their own.
6
The horror! Drinking wine...Facebook accounts!
12
Haven't yet read the article but my divorcee and me are friends as well.
After all. we share children who should be taught that love doesn't have to turn into hate and. family's responsibilities do not terminate by a divorce.
12
Here's a story for professor Covington to mull over while she and her cheating heart throb tend to their drinks in their neighborhood bar:
The bomb dropped on my marriage to a woman (I'm also a woman) was based on the old divorce cliches Josh tells his lover - "I'm not happy in our marriage" " I deserve to be happy"...
Meanwhile, in my story my wife was being emotionally romanced by another person who was also married. Two families, five children, and extensive disruption to everyone's life one year later, has caused deep anger, sadness, and upheaval for most. EXCEPT for the two cheating spouses who were married one year after their divorces.
Residual harm caused to children and extended family and friends - didn't matter to the two cheaters because after all, they are happy and without a care in the world about the upheaval they created.
Maybe I'll write how this all turned out for me, the other left behind spouse, and our children, in the next Modern Love essay.
Or I can simply say it's horrific to be lied to and left for another.
James Baldwin wrote: "People cling to their hates so stubbornly because they sense, once the hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain."
So, NO thanks, I will not play nice in the sand box of life with either my ex or the new spouse, my children and I have already dealt with enough pain and sadness to last a lifetime.
54
I think the behavior of the two parties involved in this story is absolutely disgusting. Any woman who knowingly begins an affair with a married man is totally reprehensible — as is the husband.
My husband of 24 years had an affair with his secretary, whom I had thought was a friend. I knew we had been having some problems but I thought we could have worked things out through counseling. He chose to tell me in a particularly cowardly way. I had been visiting my family in the Midwest with my two youngest children. He chose to ask for a divorce over the phone. He did not, of course, tell me about his affair.
We had a contentious and expensive divorce. All three of my children hated her, which was no surprise because she had shared some stories with me about how she had raised her son. Physical abuse was not uncommon. Shared custodial visits were a nightmare.
I was not able to talk to him until many years after the divorce. Ii was only then that I was able to tell him that he should have asked for a divorce before having the affair. I would have given it to him without asking any questions.
He is now on his third marriage to a woman who has no idea about his cheating past. I have promised that I would never tell her about his previous indiscretions.
The saddest thing is that he has NEVER apologized for his actions.
31
I found out he was divorcing me when the process server knocked on the door. And the cheater and the home wrecker he later married is sitting across the room from me in my daughter’s living room during Tgiving Weekend. And no, it’s not fun. I don’t want to be here, but I do want to be with my children and grandchildren during Tgiving. Tricky stuff....
17
And no, narcissists don’t apologize.
13
I am sorry but not surprised that your former husband is now on his third marriage. I predict that the "Josh" in the story will tire of this new wife too, as he tired of the first one, and will also move on. At that time it will occur to the author, perhaps, that the only person Josh is really in love with is himself.
Your ex-husband has not apologized for the usual reason people do not apologize: he is not sorry.
15
The most telling statement in this piece is this: “The one thing I don’t know, and may never know, is whether our bond is genuine affection on Beka’s part or the result of her sheer will to make this work, to avoid falling prey to bitterness, to refuse to be a victim. It isn’t my place to ask such a thing, and ultimately it doesn’t matter.”
It doesn’t matter? No, all that matters is that you have what you wanted, which is her husband, and her daughters that you bonded instantly with after five minutes.
My heart goes out to Beka and I hope she has a good therapist. Being the bigger person in the face of raging narcissistic people in your life is certainly commendable but stifling your own feelings and needs is not healthy. It also sets a terrible example for your children.
39
Beka is not in love with Josh. A woman who loved her husband could not treat a rival with this level of civility and lack of rancor. Period.
15
To anyone thinking that this could also work for them: Odds are very huge that it won’t. Don’t do it. While I’m glad this worked out for the writer, for the rest of us this is a work of fiction.
17
Unsurprisingly, the thought that there might be an alternate road to figuring out life choices and challenges gets shouted down by the crowd. The searing judgment from the herd here is telling. And boring. And makes me sad. I guess y’all know exactly all the truths here. I mean seriously? Compassion much? Apparently not.
14
We do have compassion. For Beka and for the children.
8
The most telling statement in this piece is this: “The one thing I don’t know, and may never know, is whether our bond is genuine affection on Beka’s part or the result of her sheer will to make this work, to avoid falling prey to bitterness, to refuse to be a victim. It isn’t my place to ask such a thing, and ultimately it doesn’t matter.”
It doesn’t matter? No, all that matters is that you have what you wanted, which is her husband, and her daughters that you bonded instantly with after five minutes.
My heart goes out to Beka and I hope she has a good therapist. Being the bigger person in the fact of raging narcissistic people in your life is certainly commendable but stifling your own feelings and needs is not healthy. It also sets a terrible example for your children.
9
in the "face" of (typo correction).
P
Most often I hear that divorcees claim that they were not happy or they drifted apart. It frequently occurs when the couple is focused on raising the kids and neglect intimacy.
The question is why are not you Happy? What is happiness? Is it your spouse fault or it's something within you?
Sometimes when people achieve comfort, the relationship becomes stale, routine, mechanical and monetnous. Couples with good relationship should learn to spice up their marriage within and not look outside for a temporary affair.
I have been married for 20 years and I have 15 years old teenage. This year I'm turning 50. I like the excitement of newsness. So this year I learned how to play tennis and started biz networking. It really changed my level of excitement.
When the newness wears off of Josh's new relationship, he may need to figure out what makes him happy and not look for his partner to entertain him.
As many of the comments I read, we do not know Becca's side of the story. All we know that she is wise and choose to make the best of the situation that she had no control. For all we know, she might have been happy to move forward with her life.
13
Having lived away from North America for most of my adult life I now see how much culturally specific assumptions are at work in North America as regards the hatred of our exes and their new partners. Here it is nearly self-evident that one maintains a relationship with the people who shared long phases of our lives and certainly are often the parents of our children. This is a very basic issue, whether there are children or not. And it certainly seems to me that North American "love" assumes "hatred and strife" must be the result when love is gone. This account brought tears to my eyes. How much better it would be if we added rather than subtracted people from our circles as we moved through life. And our children would only benefit from this kind of inclusive perspective on our bonds.
35
An optimists guide to divorce? Divorce by a cheating spouse leads to hearts broken including the spouse that was cheated on and the children that trusted their parent. Optimism is not in the equation.
31
Has anybody seen the move "The Painted Veil"? The circumstances are different from this essay, but it's another reminder that we can never really know what makes another person 'tick'.
3
Oh, how we love to see our voices in print, to offer our battle-hardened wisdom to an unenlightened author (and audience) so clearly in need of emotional or intellectual "recalculation". Honey, let me tell you how life really works.
Even if this remarkable story was conjured, fantastic---as many here have suggested---the chorus of cultivated cynics preaching at Elizabeth and her message sounds weary and off-key. Since when did fairy tales, the quietly present keepers of values like hope, change, possibility, and yes, love, become subject to this kind of vitriol? Because being "realistic" is responsible for creating all the happiness and satisfaction in our world? Not so much. We might dare to dream that this story is not only plausible, but perhaps even a model for what is possible amidst the turmoil of a divorce, a plight so often desperately in need of our imagination.
A wise (and sometimes weary) correspondent of life once wrote, "For all our mutual experience our separate conclusions are the same." There is deep mystery at work in every relationship, and I try to acknowledge the power and individual nature in each of them (with varying success), accentuating the positive while also trying to avoid the trap of assuming that I know better; I usually don't.
15
Well said.
"Honey, let me tell you how life really works."
"Oh, how we love to see our voices in print".
Yes. Your opinion is appreciated, as are the others, which offer up truth and insight.
2
True enough, Stella, and thank you. No pretense to being above all that, only wishing for people to try and raise their voices out of faith rather than doubt.
I read the angry and bitter comments by some readers with a growing sense of empathy for them (the readers), even as I questioned whether they were reading carefully or with open minds. I agree that the Josh/Beka/Catherine situation, as depicted in this piece, seems somehow less than fully explained and explored by the author. It is not a satisfying account. But if I were to project my own experience onto this scenario (as others have done here), I would have to say that the whole "the children will be damaged" viewpoint is flawed. I am the child of a marriage that at present count has lasted more than sixty years. An unhappy marriage, in which my mother was belittled by my unhappy father. They married in their late teens (Beka and Josh married in their twenties), and as far back as I can remember, were not happy with each other. My mother worked very hard and wanted to have a partnership in which she was valued. My father grew progressively more angry that he was stuck with a wife and four kids. He was responsible, worked very hard, supported us economically... but not emotionally. I love both my parents, but they were terrible for each other, and when I grew up and got married, I married disastrously, marrying a guy who treated me just as my father treated my mother, thinking I could make him love me. Pathologies may grow out of divorce (particularly angry and petty ones), but they also grow out of unhappy marriages. Let's dispense with the judgment of people we don't know.
63
Yes, but . . . the sort of relationship that your parents had was *not* the sort that Josh and Beka had. He did not belittle her; he did not rage about being "stuck" with a wife and two kids. Children the age of theirs are selfish; they *have* to be, because they are completely and utterly dependent upon the adults in their lives for everything. Teenage children may possibly understand and empathize with an adult parent's angst, but little kids don't care about Dad's self-actualization woes; they want a stable, familiar life. It is the parents' jobs to give them that. Of course, physical violence and open emotional abuse are one thing: no child needs to witness and model that behavior. But your vague, discontented pining for a romantic fantasy that isn't *quite* being met by your partner? Suck it up, buttercup, at least until the kids are older.
8
There is such a thing as a marriage that appears perfect on the surface, but underneath, for whatever reasons, is emotionally unsatisfying. We wish all marriages would last happily and forever, but they don't. Just look at the statistics!
it's easy to judge and condemn the way this relationship started, but everything human is imperfect. Get real, critics! I find this situation far better than a longer-term marriage that grows distant, angry and sexless, as too many marriages do. Trust me: that kind of thing devastates children and parents as well, all too often festering for many miserable years before finally ending in divorce.
The situation described here wouldn't work for everyone. But it certainly COULD, in my estimation, and so far, apparently IS working for these individuals. We need new possibilities to replace the acrimony and estrangements which the "average" divorce often precipitates. This novel arrangement might just work better than "traditional" divorce scenarios.
26
At the end of the day, these people chose to follow kindness and love as the underpinnings of their new relationships, following what I’m sure were difficult times of separation and change. Sadly, I can’t say that many of the commentators here are following the same values as, instead, they cast blame and judgement. Imagine if the writer or the former wife had done the same. Surely, they’d be in a much worse situation filled with anger and resentment and they and their kids would be suffering greatly.
I, for one, found this story encouraging and inspiring about how we can heal from our pain through friendship and kind empathy. Life and love isn’t always so straightforward and as easy as storybook fairytales; what matters is not whether or not we have a loving long relationship of many years, but how we respond when things get tough and, ultimately, whether we treat ourselves and one another with hatred or love.
29
This piece is exactly why this column is called Modern Love! Theirs is a unique approach to divorce and a new family constellation and I applaud all of them for trying to make it work. There are a lot of bitter comments to the piece. I simply believe that what happened in these people‘s lives was meant to be - and I choose to believe for the best. The writer and her boyfriend made a decision - they were true to themselves and I am glad they have found one another. The mother took a terrible situation and showed amazing love and character. More could be said about the kids too. I think these people are examples of many positive qualities and I thank the writer for sharing them.
26
I think we all read this article in the first place because we are, all of us, hungry for the possibility of an optimistic view on divorce.
26
This isn’t it. This is repulsive.
Am I crazy to appreciate the honesty and courage of the author to share her story? Am I missing something? Should the husband have stayed with his wife just because it "added up" but was emotionally miscalculated? How much unspoken hostility and unexpressed resentment by both husband and wife would have negatively affected the children over the years if they stayed together for a tight equation? We all know what I'm talking about. I hate the dissolution of any bond, but hopefully a new and substantive one is being formed here, and it took raw courage from everyone involved. As far as I'm concerned, everyone acted with grace. The husband fully felt the weight of his wife's grief and he will never forget that. The new woman felt the grace of the wife's forgiveness and she will never forget that. And the wife felt the humility of the new woman, and she will never forget that. The kids feel nothing but love and the absence of malice, and they will never forget that.
53
No - the husband should not "have stayed with his wife just because it "added up" but was emotionally miscalculated?" But the honorable thing to do is to divorce first and start the next relationship afterwards. Instead he stayed until he found a comfortable place to land. Cheating on your wife is not "acting with grace." And I don't think we have any idea whether the husband had any empathy for his wife's grief. All we know is that he drank like a fish during the dinner with his wife and affair partner. And I don't think we know from this piece anything about what Beka really feels.
11
I'm a bit surprised at how many readers seem to think they know what's really going in in the arrangement described here, and they are opposed to it!
I don't know what makes them think they can judge what is right or appropriate for other people who seem content and are not hurting anyone else.
27
They did hurt someone else. The writer is an unreliable narrator.
26
How selfish and shallow. You two deserve each other. Yuck.
42
Holding the kids upside down and tickling them. If anyone had done that to my kids when they were little, I would have told them to stop immediately, and would have done what I could to see that the person would not be alone with the kids. It's not about potential molestation, it's about poor judgement - tickling is torment and holding a kid upside down - you could drop them on their heads!
Allegedly the kids laughed and loved it. Ha ha. They would also love it if you let them have chocolate bars and soda for lunch.
26
Even creeps and cheaters and cowards can love their kids. First he asks for a divorce, then a month later admits there's a girlfriend. Don't be surprised when he lies to you as well. But maybe you'll have some rose-colored days before then, and still think it was worth breaking up his family. Kudos to his wife for trying to make it easier on the kids.
48
Acting on a desire to leave a marriage doesn't make people dishonest, it just forces them to verbalize what's wrong. IF you're really concerned about liars in marriage, focus on the people who stick together through thick and thin, saying "everything's fine."
So many people willing to judge others for taking a road that people take everyday. Yes, marriages endure affairs. Many are strengthened by the intimacy that comes from the outside, to make a home life devoid of emotional closeness tolerable. Maybe that's the kind of honesty you prefer: the one in which everyone remains stuck in a relationship that does not satisfy anyone.
And the author is a mature adult, not a child. You speak to her as if you know something she doesn't. What makes you think all marriages are the same?
6
You will lose him the same way you got him!
57
"To hoist by one's own petard" is an idiom from Shakespeare, meaning this whole thing could blow up in Ms. Covington's face, if indeed this is a real situation. By affirming the essay, Beka (?inadvertantly) encourages the author to bring this story to an ultra public forum, where it appears the weight of opinion is negative. I am reminded of a stand up comedian who uses his or her "life" as material.
14
Don't buy "We're all Adults Here" rendition-just got lucky in your pick all right--byproduct is St. Ex-Wife . Good Luck with all that.........
8
The bottom line children take away from divorce is “he didn’t love me enough to stay”. This narcissistic husband did not, to our knowledge, have therapy with this wife prior to ending the marriage. Whilst a part of me admires Beka, the concern is what she is modelling for her daughters: men can just discard you and you have to suck it up? Being cordial is one thing; the chumminess feels inauthentic.
58
Add this to your list of “spectacularly bad decisions”.
68
Wow Elizabeth. Beka most certainly is a woman of grace. Josh, I don’t have anything nice to say about Josh. You, well if you were looking for affirmation, you will not get it from me. You and Josh chose to break up a marriage that sounds like it was in the doldrums. Most long term marriages go through the doldrums. Josh and Beka could have been one of those couples who made it through. You made sure they will never know.
71
The author forgot to gloat about depriving two innocent children of their mother and vice-versa.
Or would that detract from the "honest" truth in this elegant essay?
13
Yeah, he was a cheater. And a coward, waiting to make sure he had another woman willing to play his game before leaving the first one.
For the sake of his children, I hope it continues to work out so "well."
27
OK, "we" have not forged anything if the author is including herself in that statement. Beka and the husband created a family including two precious little girls and the author broke it apart. Congratulating yourself on how well two uncomprehending elementary-aged children - and one extraordinarily resilient woman - are dealing with your fallout is despicable.
67
The saddest part of the story was Beka relating the she and Josh had several friends getting divorced. No comment on the rest of the story, other than to wish everyone happiness.
1
I’d like to read Josh’s view. To me he seems the “villain” in this unfortunate story. He skates quite free in the comments. So, Josh, let’s hear it
10
@BR, either Josh is hiding in a dark room with a large glass of scotch, ruing the day he ever got into this mess, or all parties concerned are having a huge laugh at how riled up the readers are. Either way, this piece never should have run in this space. It’s the kind of thing that usually appears in women’s fashion magazines.
3
“the backbone of upper-middle-class respectability developing in my bohemian neighborhood.”
..Otherwise known as “Gentrification”
14
Yeah okay...aspects of this story could also be my story many, many years ago. I was the unmarried woman in love with a married man who was in an unhappy marriage (or maybe he was the only one who was unhappy). He developed feelings for me, and eventually they divorced after he told her he was attracted to another woman. Their marriage ended with much harder feelings on her part toward both of us, understandably of course. Needless to say, I didn't become friends with his wife, and she was both angry and insulted by his choice of me. Thankfully though, there were no children around to witness the wreckage of their marriage. How did this grand love story of ours ended? Predictably, we ended 18 months after beginning, though I found out after the fact that he started cheating on me with a myriad of women after 12 months, since he became bored. It certainly seemed to support the old adage of "if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you." Though who knows, since he married the woman he cheated on me with years after our relationship imploded. Maybe this relationship will end up the same way, though I have to wonder how secure somebody can be in these type of relationships, because you know your partner is capable of cheating on you with another if the relationship grows stale. Good luck.
35
Simply put, this is only part of the story. Only the observable parts. Deep inside there are processes of wildly intense emotional conflicts - that's what deceit and betrayal does. What might be portrayed outwardly - and observers are gullible to only believe that - is hardly a measure of all what lies underneath.
14
This is sad. This article begs the question, "does morality exist?" Seriously, does it? If there is no such thing as fidelity, vows, or rules, then what defines good, bad or wrong? Since morality is a farce, who determines societal norms or what is a good living or social situation for children? If life is truly about seeking one's happiness above all else, then why should the needs of children be important? This woman has a conscious...she talks about how their actions were disruptive to his children and yet no repentance. Bottom line: why not just say the only thing that is important in this article is a total dedication to self at all costs. We should stop getting married and stop expecting anyone to provide any lifelong dedication to anyone else because all actions are relative. How long will people rationalize this silliness and celebration of self indulgent puerile behavior? This isn't about modern love...this is about celebrating the degradation of right and wrong. I don't care what these people do. Just please don't call it love. Life is tough, marriage is hard. Success in marriage is not defined by the amount of passion a spouse has at a given time.
52
I'm amazed this somewhat public individual (a professor at a college) would choose to share this highly personal story, and her role in the infidelity, with the world.
87
Publish or perish?
9
I don't understand how a man could father a child and only three years later ask for a divorce.
34
Beka- She did you a favor. I admire your love of your children and willingness to mitigate any hurt or harm to them. I am sure you have smart kids. They will realize on their own their fathers nature.
18
Wow - so many comments about cheating and I didn't read it that way at all. No one should live in misery. Life is too short. Kudos to consenting adults who have found a respectful way to live together.
26
He pursued and dated the author prior to asking for a divorce. How is that not cheating? He could have left his wife due to the deteriorating marriage first and then been free to date without being accused of any immorality. Instead he made sure to have 2.0 lined up first .
14
The children did not consent to their family being ripped apart. Once children are involved adults need to look beyond themselves. Josh and Elizabeth obviously don’t believe this.
16
What an interesting piece about the difficult decisions made by a remarkable mother named Beka.
34
"I was wrong about Josh. He wasn’t a creep or even a cheater. He was a man who loved his children more than anything." Sounds like the fluffy first act to a tragedy. Josh is that creep, the one who somehow convinced you all too easily that he wasn't a cheater and loved his children more than anything. If it sounds to good to be true, it is too good to be true. I applaud Beka for finding a way to rise above the insanity. At least in this first act.
48
This article reinforces my impression of "other women"--self-centered, mentally unstable and delusional.
Also, I do not applaud Beka as a hero. I see her as a woman trying to make the best of the situation for her kids, but if she really wants to do what's best for her kids, she needs to save and protect her psychological and physical health first. What she is doing--suppressing her anger, pain, rightful indignation--will insidiously eat at her emotional health and cause her great psychological stress, which may adversely affect her physical health. She needs to be emotionally and physically healthy so that she can be the best mother she can to her kids, as the other adults in their lives are obviously thinking only of themselves.
I also think it's good for kids for their mother to show them that she has a backbone, that there are deal-breakers, that you don't become "friends" with people who hurt you and lie to you and betray to you. You can be cordial and polite--from a distance--but no need to bend over backwards to make the cheaters look good. Let them suffer the consequences of their own actions. Don't enable them.
76
Yes.
The idea that any divorce is a surprise to one party is both flat out awful and way too common.
We should ask our friends if they have had therapy before they decide to divorce and judge them harshly if they haven't. Divorce just shouldn't be undertaken so lightly.
If someone has thought about separation extensively, talked about it with both their therapist and their partner for at least six months and then decided to divorce, then kudos for them for having a positive story.
But this story describes something that should not be considered socially acceptable or respectable; nobody should want to be friends with that dad.
35
A happily-married friend once told me "No one knows what goes on inside a marriage, including the two people in the marriage." None of us -- including Ms Covington - know the true story behind the writer's relationships with her boyfriend or his ex-wife or the relationship between her boyfriend and his ex-wife. But we can assume Ms. Covington is convinced of the "truth" of the story. She may never recognize the self- delusion (his and her's) that underpins this love story. She seems blind to the multiple red flags that mark those moments when she or he might have stepped off the path they have chosen. But self-awareness is required to see those flags and to question one's judgements. Sadly, neither she nor her boyfriend seem even remotely acquainted with self awareness. What ultimately stood out to me was the writer's lack of insight. Ms. Covington wrote she could never ask Beka whether she truly liked her or was merely being gracious. Ms. Covington, if you can't ask Beka that question, then you know your answer.
152
@greatsmile
Thanks for what you wrote. I was livid reading her essay because it was delusional. Then when she said she was bi-polar, I wondered about how that influenced her lace of perceptivity. Or even when she decided to meet Josh when she knew he was married. It just seemed like a big wad of narcissistic chewing gum and I was gritting my teeth just reading it. Then again, loyalty has always been something important to me and I realized what I disliked was that she has none.
39
Oh for heavens sakes, commenters. My husband left me for another women. I was hurt and angry at first. A few years later I met someone. My ex and I are both much happier now. We all socialize together from time to time, and I greatly appreciate my ex-husband's wife for making an real effort with the kids - who didn't make it easy for her. Of course a friendly relationship is possible when everyone is willing to make it work.
107
Yes, but what seems so "off" about this isn't that it is courteous and respectful (?) but that it is downright chummy. On the surface, anyway.
3
I think many of the commenters here have missed the point of reading, entirely. Reading alllows us to be exposed to aspects of the human condition that we have not personally seen or experienced.
I don't see how this would work either, but that doesn't mean that my lack of imagination means it is impossible.
My suggestion: read this, and learn, or at least reflect. No need to strike out because it is somehow threatening.
76
Gee, really? "Reading allows us to be exposed to aspects of the human condition that we have not personally seen or experienced"? Wow, I had no idea.
Stop telling people what to do.
3
Honey, he's a cheater.
158
You broke up a family.
107
Uhmmm, how did the author break up a marriage? She wasn’t married. Only a husband, wife or spouse can break up a marriage. Shame on you for blaming the single woman. She is SINGLE.
7
Because If single women just dated single men, then many marriages would get over a temporary hump, particularly with couples raising children.
5
She agreed to date a married man. It is icky.
7
Optimist! Entitled liar more like. You know the old saying: when a man marries his mistress, he creates a job opening? I hope you plan on being as gracious as Beka. But then, she probably figured out she was losing a cheater, and gaining a life. And I hope, majority custody of those poor kids. They're gonna need one stable parent, not two more aged self-indulgent children.
146
I'd love to read a column from Beka's point of view.
108
I’d love to read an essay by Beka. I’d also love to read a follow up essay by the author in 5-10 years. Maybe by then her husband will have grown tired of her bipolar disorder and the effort it takes to manage her illness. It might even make him really unhappy. I hope the author will understand that he’ll have to leave her at that point for another woman- he wouldn’t really be cheating on her, of course. We all know what they say about karma. And no, I think it’s highly unlikely that Beka likes the author. I hope Beka finds love again and with a better man this time.
129
The husband will leave because he's a cheater, not because the new wife suffers from bi-polar disorder, from which wife #1 did not suffer. This is about a creep who cheated on his wife, not about mental illness.
10
Oh sure Beka OK'd this article. She wanted a good chortle watching you read the comments section.
191
@k10031:
Excellent! Best comment of the thread!
3
Somehow this seems out of place in th NYTimes; or am I just an Old F...[ogey]?
27
I must also be an Old Fogey ... This isn't NYT standard of writing
6
Elizabeth and the cheating hubby deserve each other.
I don’t think Elizabeth will show as much class as Beka when cheating husband meets his next amour (at a bar of course)
79
Wow. The judgements are plentiful. Glad you all are not shadowing the rest of us.
50
Never been married and no kids but I happen to have two close friends who went thru hell raising their kids pretty much on their own. Men’s contributions is usually much less than desirable in healthy marriages so I can imagine
13
All this story does in reinforce the idea of the primacy of self over family and following your own desire. A husband whose life is too perfect and a moral ambiguous paramour and they strike it lucky with a mother who doesn't want to be the bad guy. Superficially Beka does seem like the bigger person. But I suspect in a few years the kids will have a different opinion. What is the message that this is sending the kids? I know this seems so uplifting in the short term. I wager the longer term will yield a different picture.
51
Yucks
43
Something's rotten in Denmark.
42
Interesting that there is so much criticism of Elizabeth here. She had not made a commitment to Beka, Josh had. Why so much vindictiveness and bile toward her? Perhaps Josh will continue to cheat, and maybe he won't. The only people who might legitimately fault either Josh or Elizabeth would be Beka or the kids.
33
YUP. And YUP. Single = single. She had no vows to break.
5
They are both in the wrong, but Elizabeth is the one writing in the New York Times about how hunky-dory it all is.
21
But she should have had the basic human decency not to date a married man with small children.
4
This is satire, right?
94
Love, respect, and admiration for a spouse grow as result of the high, lows, and daily maintenance of doing life for and with each other, and for the kids. You are a piece of a larger unit. This guy took the easy way out, and clearly did not appear to be sufficiently invested in his marriage. Why not stop, look inside, and reflect on what was going on within himself? This is a much harder step involving re-knowing oneself again, being at home within oneself, and thereafter charting a new life course. Not sure Josh had it in him. Maybe this is self-evident to Beka, and one more reason for letting go: Hasta la vista, baby!
45
Author, get over yourself. Do you really think you’re the first or only person who thinks they are the exception to the rules? Do you think you can sail through this unscathed, or that the other participants (willing and unwilling) in your self-absorbed drama won’t be scathed as well? Where do I get off being so judgemental? Been there, done that, have regrets. Trouble is, by the time you realize what you’ve done, it’s too late to do anything about it.
96
I hope Beka will find a man more deserving of her.
42
Question: Does the editor of Modern Love make any effort to determine whether submissions to the column are works of fiction?
73
From the mistress point of view, of course. Many women left impoverished from greedy, self-consumed, immature male who on whim decide stable isn't type anymore. How wonderful for you.......(she sniffed).
31
Adultery is a selfish act. It's putting your own desire ahead of your commitment. If a spouse is unhappy, bored, stifled, needs to find themselves - whatever - they should be communicating this to their husband/wife. And if you're really so unhappy you're willing to blow up your whole life, maybe you should figure out why you're so unhappy before you invite a third party into your misery. (And no, you're not an "innocent" third party if you willingly get into bed with someone who's already shown themselves to be a liar.)
What makes victims of adultery so furious is the deceit. None of us wants to be lied to.
134
Ah. A man who cheats on his wife, cheats on his next wife. Until he has no cheat left, and then the final wife has to care for him.
102
Um, this is a verifiable fact? What? Many people are unhappy in their marriage and reach out to someone else - not ideal and not recommending it - but doesn't mean they're serial adulterers. This is such a tired 'truism' that folks trot out when hearing ANY story of infidelity.
7
66 years of personal observation on 4 continents.
6
My ex left me for the love of his life. He's now on his fourth marriage. Just saying.
241
This is upsetting to me. The wife not the mistress is a saint but God what a ridiculous expectation that if our husbands cheating we have to like the person. How pathetic but the author has issues... don't pat yourself on the back just yet, the boy man will do this again , or you will.
61
Lots of drinking, bipolar, mistress, etc. Can't wait to see where this goes in 10 years.
85
It's not gonna take 10 years.
26
What amazes me the most from this amazing, hard to relate to story, is just how judgmental, cynical, and bitter the NYT readers really are. Ridicule and pessimism are a dime a dozen here. Good luck to all of you!
4
Why? Because some of us believe that lying and cheating are wrong?
I thought this was a great story of people acting like mature adults. So sick of the venom towards cheaters and those they cheat with. They’re consenting adults! Adultery is usually not the cause but the result of a dying marriage. All this anger about it just seems like American puritanism. Get over it.
38
Wouldn't the responsible thing be to end the marriage before cheating?
29
Agreed
1
The whole point of cheating is that the person cheated on is NOT asked for consent.
2
Bring on Beka!!!! I really want to hear HER story. Please.
58
You can be sure it would be quite different than the rosy picture painted in this essay. I hope Beka is insisting that the creep she is wisely divorcing be required to pay for therapy for those poor children. They certainly are going to need it.
9
Ironic this story comes on Black Friday. i don't buy it for one second.
43
Maybe Beka's revenge is letting this woman write this column and even praising her for it. It certainly makes both the author and her new husband look pretty bad. Hopefully Beka finds a better guy.
86
Yikes. I hope the author will understand when Josh cheats on her with a new woman who agrees "to meet him again mostly because it is easier than explaining why [she] wouldn't."
78
every woman who has an affair with a married man violates the "girl code".If this is her happy result of coming off a bipolar diagnosis, she needs to re think of her "bad decisions "she made prior to finding the right meds! one word for you:HOMEWRECKER
60
Why is the woman the home wrecker ?What about the cheating husband ?
Why does he get a free pass ?
7
Ellen, if a man has cheated on you, and you blame the other woman, you are as collusive as the people who enabled Harvey. Only a spouse can cheat. Why anyone would ever blame the 3rd party (SINGLE) is antidiluvian. Face the music.
7
to absolve somebody of responsibility ,who willingly, knowingly took part in adultery purely because she is female?what a twisted worldview?
Coming from an developing country like India, a few thoughts comes to my mind while glancing through this rather shallow article (a) advanced countries have advanced problems (or is it strictly a bi-coastal problem?) (b) as Rick in Casablanca memorably said "problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world" and (c) I know that once venerable New York Times these days has to cater to its readers tastes to survive but still what a waste of valuable space
76
I'm having a hard time believing Rose whispered "I love you" to the author. In fact, I'm having a hard time believing half of this. While Beka may want to have a civil relationship with Josh and whoever Josh is with, I can't swallow the idea of wife and mistress having pedis together before the divorce was final. Congrats Dr. Covington on dealing with your bipolar disorder. Now leave this family alone.
69
This essay made me ill. I guess it worked out for the husband and new girlfriend, but writing this feels like rubbing it in. I am also not sure why Beka is working so hard to incorporate this woman into their family - what if they break up??? I think its quite possible to maintain civility for the sake of the kids without going to such insane lengths. Curious how all of these relationships will shake out once the dust have settled.
55
The only grownup in this "fairy tale" is Beka. I hope she finds someone who is a match for her grace & kindness.
47
Having been cheated on, this story might be triggering my PTSD so I'll keep my comments to myself.
God bless Beka!
65
More accurately: A Fantasist's Guide to Divorce.
64
I agree with those who say that this union between Elizabeth and Josh won't last. Unfortunately, real life isn't like a Lifetime movie.....either Josh will leave her for someone else because that's what he does, or she'll make another one of the bad decisions she spoke about and get bored/unhappy/disillusioned with him. Sorry, but this has disaster written all over it. Beka will probably end up the ultimate winner in all this.
45
My Dear, you've been conned. I will NOT shame you, you have been open and, I believe, honest. His Wife is a saint for her behavior, to protect her children. As for the " Man " in this tale, he is a narcissistic tool. Prepare yourself, if you actually marry him. Within three years, he will be "miserable " once again. Just say NO. Best wishes.
95
Where I keep getting hung up is on this statement: “I was wrong about Josh. He wasn’t a creep or even a cheater.” And this realization came to the author AFTER he asked her out and she met up with him? All behind Beka’s back? <shakes head in disbelief> Elizabeth, believe what you want, but don’t be surprised when he cheats on you.
113
Would I hire a lawyer with this much self-inflicted drama in his life? Plus the alcohol abuse? Absolutely not.
29
How will you know if the lawyer you hire has self-inflicted drama and alcohol in his life ?
4
I am not sure that it isn’t just all “Facebook”. All of it. Facebook in the sense that nothing is as it appears. Maybe Josh and Beka had some good sex, years ago, and the sex was a tiny bit real, but the marriage was a farce, and the new relationship is the same thing. All just “Facebook”. Smiling happy people that are so lucky, and it is all just a farce in the end.
6
Thanks for the facebook reference. I have been off facebook for two months and it feels like being relieved of an addiction. Facebook was an illusion.
10
"But I agreed to meet him again, mostly because it was easier than explaining why I wouldn’t..."
What?! Seriously?! How hard is it to open your mouth and say "I don't date married men"?
"...and because I was certain I would never have an affair with him."
And then you did.
I'm single, never married, in my late 40s, and I get hit on by married men all the time. They tell me I'm a "breath of fresh air." Know what I tell those men? "Go home to your wife. Get some marriage counseling. If you're still not happy, get a divorce." Then I walk away. Simple as that.
379
@ Sharon - I totally agree with you. I am a single, never married female, 49, and the same thing happens to me with married men. I tell them to get lost and walk away when they hit on me. It's not that hard. I think married men like meeting single women with no kids. It's easier for them. And if you look younger than your age, all the better. Unlike my younger self, I stay from situations that I know will blow up in my face.
33
This makes me uncomfortable. The wrong woman is writing the story.
84
I hope she felt even better when she found out you were bipolar as well as four years older. I have a brother married to someone bipolar and it’s no picnic.
44
I cringed so hard on "Josh and Beka were a powerhouse couple — affluent, attractive, highly educated, generous — and the backbone of upper-middle-class respectability developing in my bohemian neighborhood."
Well, in this case I just hope Beka could get to keep the kids and all their money.
54
I'm trying to keep an open mind here, but jeez - so many red flags. They met in a neighborhood bar in the middle of the day? They met for drinks again? Seeing him was simpler than saying she wasn't interested? They upended a marriage after three months of clandestine, midday hanging around in bars? She has a history of bad, impulsive decisions? Just saying.
Meanwhile, all of my sympathy goes to Beka, trying so hard to infuse civility and honesty and open communication into the situation. I do wish her well, and hope that she meets a man who isn't so all about himself that he heads off sulking to a bar and hits on women because his wife chooses to celebrate Mother's Day with their daughters. I guess I am happy for Beka to be rid of such a fool.
So hard to be objective on this one.
155
"So many red flags",and the fact that Beka chose to celebrate Mother's Day without Josh is not a sign of something already terribly wrong in the marriage? While Beka obviously tried to handle the situation with grace,the fact that she shooed him away on Mother's Day,yet was totally shocked when he wanted a divorce, says that she was not very aware of what was going on in the marriage.
3
It's also hard to believe they went from hanging out in bars to him wanting a divorce, without having sex. But it's "not an affair." Right.
4
It's hard to be aware of someone's unhappiness when they choose to tell a third party about it but lie to your face daily saying they love you.
6
Mostly what everyone said, and I'll add that I've known a couple of people with bi-polar who exhibit overconfidence that includes sexual impulsiveness while manic. Now, this writer states that her symptoms were under control at the time she met Josh, and I'm not living in her body to contradict her. Still, the proof is in the pudding with respect to her impaired judgment.
As for Josh, agreed he's a man-child, and Beka belatedly realized she was better off without him after her understandably teary initial shock. Maybe the writer has become the crazy girlfriend who's fun in limited doses, explaining Beka's apparent embrace of her. I won't quibble at Josh's timing - for all we know his marriage was in some way over and the writer was the catalyst to change the status quo.
12
Sadly new wives all believe their guy not a "cheater"/their affair "different." I'd bet my mortgage Josh cheated before & will again. Your value system, and respect for the vow determine if stay faithful when life/marriage become difficult. Bravo Beka for such admirable choices (so many children damaged by parental bitterness) & hope whole scenario not repeated down the road. Those kids too important!
45
Analysis of unconscious motivation is totally lacking here.
There's no doubt that the man in question wanted to wound his wife in the most powerful way he could. Probably he succeeded. There were also two young children involved. What about them? For all the smiles and hugs, divorce is traumatic and there are usually lifelong negative consequences for the children.
Since the husband aggressively forced the decision without notice, therapy, family counseling, evidently were not on the table. Never mind making an attempt to save the marriage.
“Just another creep trying to fool around behind his wife’s back.” That about sums it up. If he had loved his children "more than anything", he would no doubt have considered the consequences - for all Ms. Coventry's pretty words - of shattering the lives of his family and forcing everyone into pretending, for a couple of decades, that everything is just wonderful.
If the purpose of this article is to gloat about having supplanted another woman, then mission accomplished. If it's to convince us all that this is a healthy, just, situation, well - she failed with me.
76
Thank you! I've sought to find the words to adequately express myself. You are exactly right.
2
If he loved his children he would have had his fling and stayed married to Beka and his kids
3
I'm not about to judge the writer for making choices for herself, and I don't really approve of all the shaming of her going on here. The author doesn't owe you or Beka her moral fortitude, but Josh did, and he seems off the hook all around. Cliche or not, I think it's also a major cliche to expect women to police strangers' husbands for them, as though it takes a village to make a man commit. The author and Josh very well may have found true love at that bar. However, I wasn't sold on the authenticity of her perspective of Beka's experience, and it weakened the piece for me. I do agree with others here that it seems too pollyanna, and that this article would have been far more interesting had Beka been the writer. I would have loved better insight into Beka's process of going from shocked trauma and rage, to acceptance, to what we're supposed to now believe is a full embrace. Like, seriously, HOW? But maybe Beka and Josh weren't ever really in love, maybe, while it might have been "humiliating" for her as some have said, Beka had made a mistake in marrying Josh for her own conveniences too, maybe she was relieved to be freed from a facade. Maybe she was having her own affair. Maybe they weren't sexually compatible. Maybe she's crushed forever. Or maybe she really is as saintly as we're told and forgives. It's all heresay so I can't buy it as is. Although I did read it with interest. Hoping Beka will appear in the comment section to clear things up.
26
I am fully supportive of Beka’s decison to befriend Elizabeth and create an atmosphere in which a win-win solution could be forged. This took enormous love and foresight, discipline, kindness, and generosity. Look at the outcome: everybody benefits, especially the children, whose welfare everybody felt was most important. This is an important article, and I hope it is widely read.
I was extremenly fortunate 30 years ago to be the beneficiary of such kindness and generosity. I didn’t want to fall in love with a married man, but I did. The man I fell in love with was married. Their children were grown. The married partners had become estranged, and he had had other lovers over that time. She had been holding the marriage together “for the sake of the children”. He loved her and didn’t want to hurt her, and I respected that. The wife and the children have acknowledged to me over the years that the situation (a divorce) worked out for the best for all concerned. I contacted my lover’s wife early in our relationship, and expressed my desire not to cause any more harm than absolutely necessary. She supported me and we became friends, and have remained so over 30 years.
It isn’t always possible for a married couple to stay together. This happens all the time. What’s important is to not cause unnecessary suffering. Always seek a loving solution, one that benefits all parties, especially children. Win-win is always best. Have an open heart. Be generous.
62
I have seen cases where mothers have turned their children against the spouse who left. What I feel about Beka's actions is that her children's happiness was paramount. She is like what a dear friend of mine did when her husband left her for another woman. No doubt my friend was deeply hurt, but nevertheless made it a strong point for the sake of her child to make sure that the transition would be good for her child and it has been. Kudos to Beka!!! and the women whose love of their children come first.
53
Most of the commenters are women and I understand their feelings about this story. As a guy, I feel pretty much the same as them. If he was so miserable, he should have filed for divorce before dating other women. If she didn't want to date a married man, she should have said no. Obviously, neither of these things happened. The whole story reads to me like a great big rationalization. The Mother took one on the chin for the sake of the kids, and the Other Woman is so happy she was absorbed into the "family." All's well that ends well? Sorry, that doesn't absolve the bad behavior.
The only possible mitigating factor I can conceive of is that Beka somehow decided that she, like her husband, was no longer in love with her spouse and that after some soul-searching (and maybe some therapy) decided she wasn't all that unhappy about the split. But I am not really buying that, either. Beka sacrificed for the happiness of her very young children after coming to the realization that this woman was going to be in their lives for a long time and she had to get to know her, despite the circumstances.
205
Very wise, Jack.
11
Interesting take. Beka is actually unloading a loser and gaining a child care arrangement.
7
Blindsided by divorce with 5 and 7 year olds. Worked very hard to not vilify my ex and his girlfriend and was mostly successful.
Have to agree about a couple of silver linings - while the first couple of visits to dad wrenching for me, I soon really looked forward to having free time to myself, not to mention freedom from figuring out dinner every night. I have only contempt for people who allow themselves to use the children as pawns. There is a middle way that doesn't have to involve pedicures wth the girlfriend.
1
"The one thing I don’t know, and may never know, is whether our bond is genuine affection on Beka’s part or the result of her sheer will to make this work, to avoid falling prey to bitterness, to refuse to be a victim."
It's the latter. For sure.
162
This essay scares me to my core, being a child of a broken marriage from a lingering , looming woman around a married man like this.
Beka, I salute you, you are an exceptional woman, I’m hope you’ll find a new love . My own mother never forgave my father and stayed that way until her death.
The author really something else, even come out to tell her own side of the story. But like the way of saying “ there’s always more to the story”!
24
I can't read this as a happy story of a wife and ex-wife becoming besties. It's a story of one woman determined to make it work, tamping down her sadness and anger so that the family can continue to function as a unit. I deeply respect the ex-wife for keeping things harmonious, for the benefit of her kids. But something about the tone of the story feels off to me -- a little too celebratory, as though what's great for the husband and essay-writer as they follow their bliss must be great for everyone. But they betrayed this woman and caused real pain, and sadness. In my view, she is a saint for rising above it and keeping the family together.
296
it struck me when I read this that Beka was wise enough to see that her ex-had just made a serious mismatch and there was no reason to upset her children for this loss.
20
Good luck to all. It’s a tough road out there.
21
"This family we all have forged.."
Nope, one amazing woman has kept "this family" together. I'd like to read her essay.
500
The self-righteousness of the author really gets to me. Her family? Give me a break.
56
There is a hero here. Beka, the wise mother, has only one thing in mind, saving her children from the bitterness of divorce. She has kept the family intact and I applaud her for her wisdom. Somehow King Solomon comes to mind, but in this case it is Queen Beka. Amazing woman and a selfless of mother. Thank you!
234
As someone now going through a divorce because my husband got involved with another woman, I read this article with interest. First, the other woman says she was cycling in and out of inappropriate relationships when she met the married man she has now married. (I think I got that straight!). Second, when he asked her out she said yes, knowing he was already married. There are women who go out with married men. And there are those who would never consider it. We know which one she is. Am I on the planet Pluto? Do others think dating a married man isn’t cool? Is it just me? Or are there those out there who think this story is funny and cute? My family has just had a bomb dropped on it because of women like this one. I’m no prude but I don’t see anything wonderful in this story. I just don’t. Ask our daughter who is getting married next month. We had a wonderful family unit. Now she doubts the institution of marriage. I tell her it’s still worth it. In my case, I thought we were good. Was it perfect? No. But I didn’t expect perfection. I tried to get us to therapy and he went a few times. But when there is another woman in the picture they often already have one foot out. Do I think his attachment will last? No. They usually don’t. Or so says the therapist I am now seeing. I have a feeling this other woman/new wife has just entered into another inappropriate relationship. Some women never learn. She’ll get hers. Meanwhile, best to the now divorced wife and kids.
440
I get why you feel the way you do, but to my mind the bomb your family suffered was dropped by your husband, not by the woman who slept with him. Your husband was the one who promised to be faithful to you, and wasn't. I'd save the lion's share of my anger for him.
35
As a child of an acrimonious divorce myself, I am sorry for the pain you must be going through, both for yourself and on the part of your adult children--but don't you think it takes two to tango? Seems like you're letting your husband completely off the hook. You're not alone; not sure why so many commenters are blaming it all on the writer, and wondering whether it's another reflection of the disparate expectations of chastity and fidelity that society holds towards men and women.
4
Both you and Beka have my sympathy. Both of you, and your children, were wronged. In my mind, there is never justification for infidelity. The cheating partner always has options other than unfaithfulness. The other party, regardless of whether or not they are in a committed relationship of their own, are wrong as well. And the children, whether three years old or thirty, are harmed. Do not be fooled into thinking they are not. You can lie to yourself all you want, make all of the excuses you want, but infidelity is just wrong.
12
There's a part of this story that's missing. Having known women whose husbands have left them for another woman, let me tell you that whether or not the relationship is troubled, the cheated on woman is furious. Having children in the mix and breaking up a family makes this story even worse. This tale is of course one sided and I'm sure there's another darker side to it.
207
Wow! I just finished reading the comments and am bewildered that everyone hadn't been able to picture an amiable, friendly divorce. I just have gotten back from having Thanksgiving with my ex and his wife (whom I had known before she met him) and friends and our child in common. We have always had a harmonious relationship since our breakup.
It just seemed stupid to not maintain friendly or at least polite relations because we had children in common and had to face choices about their welfare together. After all we were the adults and were setting a model for them on how to deal with relationship breakups. We knew that our kids throughout their lives would be handling this situation and we didn't want them to have the viewpoint that breakups were a winner takes all knock down drag out fight.
After all, we don't own people and we don't control their choices. Is it so hard to imagine that a breakup could be handled harmoniously? In fact, maybe couples could discuss before they get married how they would handle a breakup. It could be viewed as an emtional prenuptual and the only person hurt in that situation would be the divorce lawyers and I don't feel sorry for them because they've probably fanned the flames in many divorce cases to keep the money rolling.
133
It wasn't amiable because the wife in this situation was blindsided and betrayed.
31
Notice that your situation is an anomaly.
6
I don't know... I'm not a big fan of this new (sort of)philosophy which says, "do whatever makes you happy, this is after all only one life, so inflict pain if you have to but just follow your desires." It is selfish, juvenile, and the so-called happiness (usually) doesn't last.
I was reading about Ellizabeth Gilbert the other day, the one who wrote an entire book, "Committed," about getting married to her Brazilian lover, and now she's left him and married her best female friend suffering from cancer. Casually walking away from your relationship because you "deserve" happiness is not something I understand.
235
Who's to say, in this case, that Beka wouldn't have found someone else she truly loved at some point either? Josh was miserable and unhappy; not a sustainable state of mind to maintain and most certainly would have affected their children. Hard to say but a moot point, since he was the one that 'cheated' first, she became the ultimate victim and martyr for the rest of their lives??
At any rate, doesn't sound like Josh 'casually' walked away from his marriage or certainly his children. You are assuming ALOT here about everyone who might ever ask for a divorce, regardless of the reason!
12
There are quite a lot of judgmental people here. You'd think with so many bitter divorces going on these days, they'd be happy to hear about a story with a happy ending (so far), good grief!
56
Doubtful that Beka looks at it this way.
12
This not a happy ending. Wait 7 years and then make your pronouncement.
24
When something isn't true you can almost smell it, even just reading it online. There is something really strange and "off" about this. So sorry about all of it and wishing Bekka and her children well.
308
No doubt it is the truth as the author sees it. But I am not sure that it is the truth. But maybe it is the truth. In any case, I am happy that I am not a player in this story. It’s their lives, I wish them all the best.
20
You met him at a neighborhood bar. One day he took a seat next to you in another bar. During that three-hour dinner he drank nonstop. All red flags. Sounds to me like he drinks a lot.
310
Evidently so does the author, which is not a great combination with bi-polar disorder.
19
Another affirming example of Everyone Who Has An Affair Thinks They're The Exception. See also: It's Not An Affair, It Was Meant To Be and Everybody Is Happy It Turned Out This Way And Our Happiness Validates It. I know that relationships that start when one or both people are married can and do work out sometimes. And some of them don't come with a stalking angry ex. And that the world is not fair, at least not to everybody at the same time. That said, you're lucky things happened as they did for you. Beka, not so much.
130
Don't decide yet that the author is "lucky" that she scored this loser. Wait a few years.
1
"He wasn't a cheater." That lie you choose to tell yourself is the earthquake-ready bedrock of your entire relationship. Like the character in some Russian novel, you have ruined the wife's life, hurt her children immeasurably in spite of what they might cutely say from time to time, and destroyed your right to call yourself a moral person. That's what a lie will do to you.
422
How do you know he's a cheater? He may have finally met the love of his life. His marriage to Beka may have been the lie.
4
This. Extremely this.
1
Nothing but contempt for women who have sex with married men. This story is not the norm.
203
Where is your contempt for the married men who have sex with anyone other than with their wives ?Why is your contempt reserved for the women ?
14
Do you have even more contempt (or any at all) for married men who have sex with women who are not their wives? Your comment is outdated, misogynistic and misdirected.
14
Where is your shame....
You were a factor in breaking
a family, you caused pain,
however you choose
to "sugarcoat" it. It is
probable that you and your
love will have no happy ending.
161
Elizabeth, just wait. You'll get what's coming to you. This story is tied too neatly in a bow.
98
How do we know that Beka has not found someone (man or woman) else? Or that she is really happy with the current situation, as she appears to be?
And as a man, let me say that the commenters her show an amazing lack of empathy for Josh.
19
There is nothing wrong with breaking up when the love is gone in a relationship. Josh does not need to stay in an unhappy marriage. But the fact that the breakup was a shock to the wife means there was no therapy, no counseling, no attempt to try to salvage a marriage and a family. That does not bode well for this guy's stick-to-it-ness. And he better be making 100% sure that he is contributing his fair share to the finances and time constraints and sacrifices necessary to raise these two kids, because if he is not doing so, he and his new love are building the foundation of their love on the misery and stress of another woman.
I'm sure if Beka has found someone, the writer would have mentioned it to blunt the moral messiness of her story. Very few of the women I know who are separated/divorced with young children have the time and energy to date, while I can't help but notice the men do (and usually have a much diminished responsibility in raising their children). Granted, I do know one couple in which I really do feel the guy is a mensch, putting in a couple years of therapy and now a full 50% of childcare. Kudos to him, I would recommend him to any single women out there. Mr. Josh, nope.
76
Wow. Guess we really needed a comment from a man's perspective. Some empathy for the cheater.
33
Empathy? He's gets to have his cake and eat it too - good relationship with his kids, new girlfriend, no stress with his ex-wife (due to the emotional heavy lifting she's doing on his behalf). Josh is doing just fine without our support.
235
Everyone's going to hate you. Everyone's being dishonest, but at least the mom is doing it for the sake of her children.
Kudos to her.
You don't meet with married men because is easier than explaining. No explanations are necessary. Simply say, no. When do single women, married men are seeking to cheat with, owe them an explanation?
What a copout.
Twelve years is nothing in the scheme of a marriage and till death do us part.
He's exactly what you thought he was in the beginning, a weak, immature liar and a cheat.
I'm assuming the wife had an epiphany. Good riddance, while she's still young, beautiful and a full life ahead of her and two beautiful children.
All you got was a cheater who picks women up in bars.
How desperate 40 year oldish.
How cliché.
Write again in 5 years!
That's how long I give my stepson who swore before God no other woman was involved, he was just unhappy and then sent us a wedding picture two weeks after the divorce. Now he's hiding from his wife on Facebook. Another immature coward with children.
Corrected for typos..
246
Wow. What a story. I am self aware enough to know that I could not have the generosity of spirit or strength that Beka possesses. She must have been an angel in a prior life!
43
It’s no doubt a good divorce from your perspective but I very much doubt it from hers. Beka realized she rather have a good relationship with the other woman so her kids don’t end up totally hating their father and stepmother. Notice she only invited you over because she wanted a good look at the woman who will be spending time with her kids. I guess there does exist lawyers who are saints.
I usually don’t blame the third party as it’s hard to know who is single or not in this day and age. In this case both you and the husband are horrible people. How can you say it was easier to say yes than explain “I like you but I don’t get involved with married men, even miserable ones.” Ugh.
363
As someone who had her heart broken by a cheating husband and then divorced him, I agree with your comments. The cheap shot about attorneys was unecessary.
4
Lots of judgy mcjudgersons here....
50
That's what people who write these stories want, so why not? And I, too, see another divorce in a few years, but this one a lot less cute and cuddly.
23
Well, lying and cheating often create that response.
36
John, that's what the comments section is for.
As Oscar Wilde said, it's always nice to have something scandalous to read on the train.
2
How am I not surprised that it's the mother who swallows her own happiness, pride, and security for the good of her family? While daddy dropped it all with abandon because he feels bored, Beka forged ahead to make this humiliating situation palatable for those she loves - even the ones that hurt her.
I'm happy all parties seem to be glad for this unusual arrangement, but it does raise (again) the infuriating question of why women always sacrifice their own lives, their own joy, to fix the catastrophes that the men around them make.
I sincerely hope Beka meets a man who truly deserves her and treats her like the wonderful woman she is.
637
No no no. She did not sacrifice her own life, she saved her children's lives. In doing so she finds joy. They will grow up to have healthy relationships with the guidance of their wise mother. Don't worry. Her daughters will appreciate what she had done for them has they mature. She sets the bar for strong women in challenging times as these.
49
How did she sacrifice "her own life, her own joy"? He was leaving her for another woman. There was nothing she could do. It was a lousy, joyless situation.
9
It just occurred to me that she timely realized that her hubby wasn’t the pick of the crop.
Good riddance, she may have thought.
14
My first thought upon reading this was, if one person in a two-high-powered-career, two young-children family has enough time for an affair, that person is definitely, no matter how much he loves "his children more than anything," not pulling his weight in childcare/homecare. Pretty sure right now the kids, now ages 4 and 8, are staying majority of the time in the house with the wife and just having some weekends at the duplex, where fun-times like tickling might be happening with the stepmom to be, but somehow getting a dinner on the table and bathing the kids and doing dropoffs/pickups from school and activities Every.Single.Day. is not happening. So, yes, Beka is a saint. It's just a year in. Good luck with this arrangement.
415
Agreed. And can't wait to hear the follow up in a few years when the writer is 5 or 10 or 12 years older and poor, miserable Josh gets bored again. Because it will most certainly happen.
117
Yup. The next time he's at the bar talking up a single woman she'll hear all about how the current wife is bi-polar etc etc and he's unhappy etc etc and she'll swallow it hook, line and sinker.
11
Hoo boy. It's amazing what a mother will do for her kids. I hope Beka finds happiness.
397
I hope she does too. She sounds phenomenal.
50
Strikes me as a work of fiction - just don't feel the love.
83
Sophisticated and with-it and almost normal. However, the conscious avoidance of ill feeling in this arrangement isn't anything but lipstick on a pig. Not courageous, but a cowardly refusal to acknowledge the ugliness. Those children will foot the bill for your fantasy.
167
If he knew he was unhappy, he should have filed for divorce before approaching other women, rather than waiting for the next best thing to come along so he could make a convenient jump. Beka is too good for him. Your first instincts about Josh were right. Have fun.
333
Oh, Elizabeth, no. Josh could have found his way out without resorting to the grossest, oldest cliche in the book,the other woman. How awful of you both, Beka's incredible, generous, forgiving spirit notwithstanding.
209
You have got to be kidding me. I don't know what planet the author lives on, but this is definitely not the post-divorce norm between a jilted wife and the mistress.
62
"But I agreed to meet him again, mostly because it was easier than explaining why I wouldn’t and because I was certain I would never have an affair with him."
I feel like this is the big untruth in this piece...especially since I think the writer knew she was going to show the piece to Beka. While Beka's behavior is mature and certainly admirable (for the sake of her children) I'm sure somewhere inside she is screaming at the writer. Also, Josh sounds like a man-child. He was unhappy and instead of telling his wife this and trying to work on it like an adult should, he chose to pick up another lady in a bar. Does he really deserve brownie points because the affair is age-appropriate??
484
I was struck at that quote, but for a different reason. Presuming she actually believes what she wrote, is she that unmoored from reality? What is wrong with telling a married man that you can't date him? Were you really that certain in your ability to resist temptation? Wise people are in touch with their emotions and the circumstances like these that can lead to messiness. This puts an ironic twist on another quote: "I realized how many of my spectacularly bad decisions had been influenced by mental illness." All I could say upon reading that, was "Indeed." Josh sounds like he's got a bit of crazy going on himself. Giving up everything for that? But in the end, he got everything, didn't he? Beka is a saint, indeed.
89
"Work on your marriage"?? How many times have we heard this? Unless you've truly been in love, you will never recognize the complete and utter futility of that advice.
7
That's assuming that "being in love" and sustaining that love is the prime goal of marriage. It isn't, and it shouldn't be, especially when two young children are involved. He -- along with his wife -- brought two innocent beings into this world, and he should have done his part to insure their happiness, which would, of course, include at least one attempt to salvage his marriage, at least one attempt at marital therapy, at least one true conversation with his wife before he embarked on an affair.
5
Hope you don't feel too bad when Josh decides he's not happy being married to you when the passion dies down.
235
This.
7
Beka is a saint.
96
It’s not hard to see who the hero of this story is, and no, they don’t deserve her. People who come across good fortune rarely do.
165