That was indeed an unfortunate incident with tragic repercussions, but as I read your piece my mind kept going to an op-ed you did on NPR several years ago. You actually, to my continued surprise, spoke passionately about women tennis players should NOT be paid the same as men??? As I write these words I still shake my head in remembrance of that day listening to NPR on my way home. Yes, your story was tragic and regrettable and one honed by a lack of respect for women. Yet, you yourself showed so very little of it yourself, given your platform, by advocating the case for Bobby Riggs!!! your story was tragic and regrettable and one honed by a deep-seeded lack of respect for women. Yet, you yourself showed so very little respect, given your platform, by advocating the case for Bobby Riggs!!! You should seriously consider issuing a retraction to your NPR op-ed with the explanation being...temporary insanity - but you’re better now.
PLEASE name names...these people have to fear that they will be called out!
177
If an adult attempts to force sex on you, defend yourself even if it comes to blows. This includes girls. If that adult tries to force themselves on you, you punch them in the face and make it count. And if you can do it in public then the better. These criminals thrive on fear and silence. Don't be silent. Fight back. defend yourself.
75
This exceptionally powerful story left me feeling so sorry for the writer and every other young person so violated and abused. Thank you Ms. Nyad for exposing the monster who committed such unspeakable crimes against you and heaven knows how many others. Such creatures belong in a special kind of hell. I hope whatever hall of fame this Jack Nelson is in purges itself of this miscreant.
91
I don't know if I have a story, but somewhere inside it feels like one exists. Thank you, Ms Nyad.
20
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I, too, am a survivor with abusers from respected positions. My sorrow does not seem to end. Thank you for speaking out.
57
I suppose deep down I knew I wasn't the only one. But I felt alone. A doctor, I was required to pass a physical for a promotion (security institution). He told me to undress, stand with my legs apart and close my eyes ...
I have never been able to forget. The cold fear and anger.
Thank you. I was not alone. Of course.
69
Most discussion around sexual abuse is about punishment. But by then things have already happened, lives have already been ruined.
My observation is that 80-90% of girls' first realization of their own sexuality is through an act of aggression, usually by an older man. Why doesn't anyone talk about this?
If, the only redress we have is punishment, then when "smaller" incidents happen, there is no way to handle them. We wait until things build and become big enough to deserve punishment.
In Southern US, a joke often told is "If a 15 year-old girl is still a virgin, her brothers must be slow runners." Everyone laughs. This is not a joke, it is sexual harassment. These are the 'thousand cuts' that women have to endure throughout their lives.
We need to understand the mechanisms through which sexual abuse happens, is perpetrated and perpetuated. For example when a father-figure commits abuse, he has to cover the psychic distance from being a father-figure to an abuser. Which means there were signs. And that he has incurred a psychic break which needs to be healed else he will do it again.
When a young girl is molested by a father-figure, she is suddenly pushed from seeing the man as a father-figure to an attacker. That is an extremely large psychic distance, and an extremely traumatic psychic rupture.
Male sexual violence has no causal link with women. Women are the targets of their violence, but not the cause of it. We need to study the causes. Why is this not talked about?
125
What a moving story. I almost reflexively used the word "incredible", but it's not incredible in the least.
I was raised to be gentle and respectful of women, was kind of a loner (so, less exposed to endless disgusting conquest stories in high school, college, and the like), and went through most of my young male life blissfully ignorant of all this.
Later, I met my wife, who fled her first of several rape attempts at age 12. Her natural gift for near-world class running speed and wary mein saved her from several more. Of course, that wasn't much defense from the many lurid remarks, flashers, lurking followers, and quick random breast-grabs in crowds. From knowing my wife, I can now look back on countless strange incidents in retrospective lucidity.
We are a rape culture, through and through.
123
ME TOO. Seventeen. Now I'm seventy-six, still with rage in my heart. Often blaming myself that in a drunken stupor I let my version of what happens happen. To me. To all of us. Other times too, the abuse. Gotta make it okay for girls to say no, to fight back and talk, tell, yell. It's not okay. Good for you Diana to speak out and for millions of others! We are connected -- ME TOO.
69
Your story explodes off the page. In the past couple of weeks women have been speaking out, opening up dead spaces so we can begin to breath again. This is really happening and I don't want it to stop, like the outlawing-of-bump-stocks. This has got to reach every economic and demographic section of our country. Secrecy is the fuel for these sexual predators .
Please keep telling your story, Diana. All of you who have spoken up, continue to speak. You all are the voice of those who have not found the courage to speak for themselves. You are the first sentence in their book. And for the ending...karma and justice.
68
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Living well is the best revenge, and you have.
27
Thank you so, so, much for sharing, and for being the awesome person you have been. We are with you.
23
I don't what to say. Nothing that would help or add anything that isn't already there.
But I thank you for writing.
22
My heart breaks.
18
I think there's an underlying issue in common with all the recent revelations about powerful men sexually abusing women. How men feel about their sexual needs. Men. They all have a body part that responds to women as soon as they reach adolescence. There are different ways of dealing with this......but it insists on being dealt with. As a woman I can understand how men could resent women for having that power over them. I can understand Muslim men wanting to cover women's bodies so they won't be distracted by them. Is resentment at the heart of abuse? Is the man thinking "you're to blame for tempting me. I'm going to show you who's boss. I'm the man."
25
It happened to me, too. First it was my father before I was out of diapers. At age 15 it was an acquaintance, a true predator, who effectively owned me for a year and abused me in every way every day. The countless sexual assaults were nothing compared to these.
Like you said, the silencing was at least is toxic and damaging as the sexual violence itself.
I agree that we must tell our stories again and again until it stops.
46
From a very young age women are taught that they are only safe by the grace and mercy of men. 9, 12, 14, 16 . . .at each age a male made it clear to me that at any time he could subject me to his will because of his superior strength and societal position. Neighbors, friend's brothers, the kids I babysat's dad . . .each one made it clear that I was not their victim only by their choice not mine. It is a good day for America that women are speaking out, but it will take generations to heal.
51
Thank you Ms. Nyad. yes, people should hang on to their hats for there are many of us out here. The time is long overdue for women and girls to speak up and to be BELIEVED!
34
Ms. Nyad, it was not and is not your responsibility to have requested something more be done to that man called coach, as punishment. It is the responsibility of all the adults - the school, the principal, the parents upon knowing, the LAWYER - and the system (which is slowly improving) to accuse, try and punish him.
Those who are sexually assaulted should not have the responsibility of prosecution. Society should be structured so that it - we do not tolerate nor hide such atrocities.
101
Assaulted myself at a young age (and for many more years after), I've always felt like speaking about it exposed my weakness. Diana Nyad just taught me that therein lies my strength. I can't believe I didn't know that already, but I didn't.
84
Unfortunately, these things happen to too many girls and women.
They are abused in so many ways. Women work harder than men almost everywhere. They much more conscientious than men. They are the "designated" caregivers, which is unusually burdensome.
We all have to do soul-searching. I admit I have looked at women as sex objects, with carnal feelings & desires.
Today's the Washington Post story about Roy Moore sexually exploiting several teenage girls is sad. They carry that burden and shame. But he carries on proudly claiming to be a model Christian with no sense of remorse or guilt. Hope he wouldn't be elected.
73
I read your eloquent op-ed with tears of pain and rage streaming down my face.
I'm crying for a little girl who was so traumatized and abused. She lives within me too. And I keep thinking, after all these years, of what might I have been, and what might I have accomplished, if that beautiful little girl that I was, wasn't so abused and degraded.
I am so angry at men. I'm furious. And I'm heartbroken. Because it's still going on. And I'm so afraid for the young women in my life-- My nieces, and the daughters of my friends. I don't want this to happen to another young woman.
Sexual violence destroys lives--Maybe this is what the perpetrators get off on. Gratifying themselves on the destruction of of others. Of Women and Girls.
Something has got to change. Women and girls deserve the right to walk through this world without being violently assaulted abused and degraded.
It's too late for me, and for millions of us. But it's not too late to try to save our children. I hope everyone reading this, especially Men, looks inside, and thinks of what YOU can do to stop this never-ending nightmare of abuse.
113
I am in awe of your strength and courage. #metoo
39
WOW. What a compelling story. How terrible it must have been to undergo these humiliations. We need more women to speak out. To paint pictures of their devastation. Their hurt. After all thise years. This is unacceptable behaviour of my gender. It has to stop.
18
Such courage and a strong will. Impressive. The real shame is that such predators of children are allowed to continue despite discovery. Public humiliation is not enough, maybe 40 lashes could be. In public.
16
Molested by my older brother as a toddler. Exposed to by masterbator on tube train at 21, raped by stranger at 23. Two other episodes of being exposed to, once in Barbados at 11 and then in Leamington Spa, UK at 27. It's the soundtrack of our lives. Most women have these stories, not all men are abusers. We just live with this..
32
Nothing I have read or heard in the past few months -- not the reports of Weinstein's outrageous attacks nor Trump's purported escapades in Russia or his "locker room" antics and boasts, not the revelations about Spacey or Louis C.K., not any other single article in the Times or the discusting details bravely shared in the New Yorker by so many women -- has affected me the way this piece has. I'm not weeping but I am out of breath after reading Ms. Nyad's Opinion submission. She is as powerful a writer as she is a swimmer and this column should be required reading throughout the land.
127
One sentence struck me: "It never is." It never is just one victim. Predators are not just having a lapse of judgment. They are stalking their prey.
69
I am so sorry and sad for what happened to you . Its very will written and I sense the pain you carried on with you all this time .
Thank you so much for sharing this painful experience with us.
I hope every responsible human been male or female keep hunting those animals to protect our society whether in school or workplace or anywhere.
10
I've heard you speak in person, have admired your athletic determination and achievements, and now am in awe of this beautifully written piece. May you find peace and strength, and know that you have changed many lives for the better. Thank you.
38
Your strength and courage in the face of incredible trauma are truly inspiring. Thank you for speaking out and in doing so, encouraging others. #hero
23
Ms. Nyad. I am so sorry to have read this. I am aware of this type of assault and I can let it be lessened by personal distance from the victim; but I have listened to you for years... and I felt such sadness-my insulation evaporated. I am glad you persevered to be the consummate athletic and human hero. Sharing this trauma adds to your stature. I wish that a greater power could erase it all the same. Maybe that power is you, just a bit, just today.
22
Beautifully written. It is articles like these that will continue to give both men and woman the courage to find their voice. To know they are not alone in their suffering. That they have the power to no longer be a victim but a survivor.
26
Some time ago there was the movie The Exorcist. The point of the movie was that there is evil in the world that is way beyond the powers of our comprehension, something that in past ages we called the devil. Of course, we modern Enlightenment folks no longer believe in such an archaic figure, a fact that works to Satan’s advantage. But Diana Nyad’s story tells me is that evil is real. But her story also tells me that the devil never has the last word. In the end, good triumphs.
16
A 2014 obit in the Times contains a tiny reference to the inhumanity of this coach, but then goes on to list his great accomplishments. Ugh, hopefully times will changer, and actions like these will not be just a footnote about an otherwise glorious career. They need to be the start of prosecution.
https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/11/sports/jack-nelson-swimmings-version-...
36
I read this, yet another account, with mouth agape. I’m of Nyad’s generation (the instigators of women’s liberation) and I’ve been ricocheting the last couple of weeks from revelation to shocking revelation. How could we have missed all this that was right in front of our eyes? As a luscious young thing I was verbally raped by several blowhards but never, ever touched. This could easily have happened to me.
I hate to say it, but lately it’s been hard to even look at males without curling my lip. Hearing about Louis C. K. today I wondered, “Who’s next? my sons in law?” I am reeling.
32
Rape is torture. I don't know why we don't all understand this.
61
I love you Diana. And I have from the very first time I heard you speak on the radio years ago. You are an amazing, awe-inspiring person. And now, I tell your stories to my 22 year old daughter so that she too can learn from the VERY BEST (that's you).
25
Ms Nyad, thank you so much for sharing your story. Kids never tell their parents or another adult. We have to as a society at ever level to make sure kids know they must report this behavior. Kids must be educated on what to look out for or be aware of in terms of typical behaviors of abusers and predators. I am very grateful to you. All the best to you, Valerie
25
I know someone that was abused for many years by a relative when they were a child. When they finally turned 18, and gathered enough courage to tell someone, they lost a large part of their family who sided with the relative. They tried to prosecute, but the police grilled the victim for dates and details. The abuse started in elementary school - how does a child that age know dates? The police blew my friend off; nothing was ever done to the perpetrator. Nearly 30 years later, my friend is still dealing with the repercussions of what that (blank) did.
I applaud Ms. Nyad for speaking out. I hope that we, collectively, can change the laws where the statute of limitations doesn't apply to crimes like this. Police will take the word of victims seriously. There will be help for those victimized to cope with the damage that's been done.
45
Thank you for sharing your story. Please consider checking out the new film, Beauty Mark. It beautifully but painfully tells the story of a survivor of child sexual abuse and its adult aftermath. It's message: SURVIVORS BE SILENT NO LONGER.
17
Dear Diana, Your strength and courage continue to inspire.
We went to high school together. You told me at the time.
It was horrifying. Thanks for confiding in me. You told me not
to tell anyone. I didn't. You didn't know what to do. No one did.
Then you weren't ready to go public. Actually, there was no such
thing as "speaking out". That would have been too daring.
There could only have been more fear of retaliation, punishiment, consequences. I understood. We didn't know terms like "exploitation" or"child abuse". We didn't know it was a violation of human rights. Or words like "rape". Or even that we had rights; we were just kids. It didn't happen to me, but
I felt the pain you were feeling, because I was your friend. You've written
your story eloquently here, and I remember the first time many years
ago went you spoke out publicly for the very first time.
Now your story is especially timely again, sadly.
Wishing you all the best, my old pal.
77
Thank you for sharing this Diana. I shake my head with grief.
17
We need to remember that it isn't just innocent and trusting little girls who are victimized, usually by someone they have known, loved and trusted. Innocent and trusting little boys have also been the victims of sexual predators, and probably also by someone they have known, loved and trusted. And the wounds do not heal.
46
thank you for sharing your story. May you go from strength to strength. Karen
16
I cried. Thank you for sharing this incredibly painful experience. Hopefully, more women will come forward and tell their stories and put their own monsters behind bars.
10
My brother was sodomized, at nine, by neighborhood boys whose parents were our parents' friends. He developed mono shortly thereafter and was in bed for a year. When he emerged, he was angry, mean and volatile, someone I didn't know and never would be close to again. He finished medical school, secretly drinking and doing drugs to deal with the self loathing. His habits cost him his practice and his first marriage. He told me about the attack when he was 44 and sober. I was the first person he told other than a therapist, who told him to talk about it. We cried together, glad that our parents weren't alive to learn of such sadistic treachery. He has returned to practicing medicine in another town, but he carries these three monsters with him every day.
67
This article is so well written. I love her call to action. I love that she is using her voice and has been for years. This past year I wrote a memoir about my story and I hope to live up to her guidance. Telling my story, speaking out, and doing everything I can to empower my kids to know what to watch out for and that it's NEVER their fault. Thank you, Diana!
26
I think it's interesting, Diana, that the tide is turning from believing and protecting the man to believing and trusting the assaulted. Each encounter voiced brings us closer to exposing this epidemic and protecting others from a horrific experience. Thanks for your courage!
31
All of us women have known all along these things go on and many times you shut up and chalk it up. Hopefully this new exposure to the heinous acts of so many men - acts they assume are their right - will change our acceptance of them.
i have my own stories, none as drastic or long-lasting as Diana's, but the effects have lingered for 40 plus years and the feeling of those unwanted hands on my body are as real and as vivid now as the days they happened.
26
Diana, Jane, Mary, Solidad. It doesn't matter what you name is. What matters is the story you tell. What matters is the repercussions that are felt as a web of humanity forms around you and so many others to say #metoo in a multitude of ways. What matters is that the wounded emerge to fly again free from the perpetrators who are left in shadows of fear and loathing.
11
A powerful and sobering tale, yet ultimately a tribute to inner strength and resolve. I wonder, however, not why the author did not quit the swim team, but why there is no mention of even considering doing so, or at least of informing a parent or other adult. It is terrible to think of the agony of the decision on whether or not to do so, on top of the abuse of a teen and her trust, and it is of course a choice no one should ever have to make, but the "story" is not "fully told" here, with that crucial part of the horror left "silent."
1
Thank you, Ms. Nyad, for this essay. I am struggling to process it. The violence done against me as a child has followed me my whole life. For five decades, not a single day has gone by when I have not thought of it. Yet, I have never spoken of it. It has been a taboo subject, enforced upon me by every member of my family. Meanwhile, they have prospered, and I have not. To be shamed into silence is to live ashamed forever. How has this been accomplished, I wonder again and again. How have I have become tainted for life by the actions of an abusing adult? It's clear to me that when something "unspeakable" happens to a child, the child is hurt, and the person the child becomes is ruined forever, no matter what might later be accomplished. I imagine the perpetrators know this. I imagine this power to ruin lives forever is what drives them as much as any sexual compulsion or tendency to violence.
54
Thank you. For your courage and for sharing. Your story. Thank you.
11
She may not have named her abuser in this piece, but she has done so repeatedly in the past. See the Times obituary for Jack Nelson dated November 10, 2014.
18
I can write a better obituary in four words. "Jack Nelson: Probable rapist." See, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But, if I was really going to write an article about him, I'd interview Ms. Nyad's teammates. With one or two confirmations, I could take out the word probable, but maybe I'd add "disgusting."
5
I’m sorry but it’s not real if she doesn’t name her assailant.
Thanks. It's in her WIkipedia entry too, and you can click from there to his page to find out the major details of his life: that he finished out of the medals as a swimmer in the 1956 Olympics, coached the US women's team in the 1976 Olympics (back when the steroidal East Germans were dominating, btw, still other victims of a male establishment), stood only 5'4", and died of Alzheimer's in 2014.
9
To describe such horror so eloquently requires incredible character. This piece was heart wrenching. It should be required reading for anyone who still sees sexual predation as a grey area.
29
She was powerless because she chose to be. At 17 in 1971 I was molested by my mentor and teacher, the highest ranking clerical figure in Chicago. I reported him and he lost that position not soon after I started college in Texas. Why don't people speak up? I knew he would try the same on another unsuspecting "summer missionary" so I had to stop him at the expense of my internship. I had been raised to never question my elders or authority, but was thankfully raised to keep myself pure and that alone guided me that July 1971.
9
Judging Diane for not revealing her abuse and abuser and believing she chose to remain powerless is one reason why women remain silent. Speaking out always brings the risk of judgment that can in turn reinforce self loathing. Diane’s silence and the silence of so many needs to be viewed with compassion and understanding, not placed in the context of a choice consciously being made. Sexual abuse is far more complicated than that.
80
Impressed by your personal strength. Unimpressed by your total lack of understanding and empathy. If the current tidal wave of news hasn't woken you up to the fact that most who are molested do not have the strength or wherewithal to speak up, I feel sorry for you and your superiority complex. Finger pointing and blaming is a small and hurtful thing to do.
9
Being sanctimonious isn’t helpful at all. You obviously still suffer greatly from what happened to you and the type of judgment you just showed is EXACTLY the reason victims don’t speak out. Just stop it.
13
Guts pure guts to tell the incident. What lurks in those dark minds is disgusting. Speaking out strong and loud is the only way to make a difference. Courage to speak up and these miscreants will get their just due.
9
Same here. Same thoughts, same memories, same self-hate that leaps into words the instant I make any error.
Here I am 70 years old, fine 95% of the time, an expert at grounding myself in the present, just wishing I didn't still have to use this skill so often!
We must commit to making life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness safe for females. As a start, we must drag our country out of the Trumpian morass that seeks to enshrine assault, whether with weapons or phalluses, as a virtue.
Molestation and rape are hate crimes.
85
Thank you for your courage. It reminds me to be very careful with my young girls and do my best to protect them from mentors/predators like this.
Finally, I think you should name this man. Wouldn't that be justice (for you and all he victimized)?
8
One of the most powerful Op-Ed pieces ever.
Thank you for every word.
49
Thank you, Diana. I am 67, and for the first time in my life I understand the self-loathing that in so many ways defined my life. How is it that a therapist never unlocked the door to my six year old soul, but you have. Again, through my tears, thank you.
65
I wish she had included the coach's name in all caps.I assume swimmers know who it is. A horrid man got away with his behavior. Someone should put a post-it note beside his plaque in the Hall of Fame.
15
What has been happening to girls and boys for so many years is a holocaust. Imagine where we might be as a species if so many of us weren't shackled by this trauma for most of our lives.
You were burned. And here you are now before us, shining so so brightly. Showing us the way.
Thank you so much. With all the news of Weinstein, Spacey, the Shootings, the Hurricanes and everything else, I just couldn't cry. Finally, I cried. Thank you. Bless you.
32
Ms Nyad: Very nicely written and sorry this happened to a great person like you. For starters this country should immediately eliminate an statute of limitations on such assaults period.
Can you imagine what Crosby's victims are going through because they cant do much due to statute of limitations. Such laws are passed by men and need to be carefully looked at and eliminated.
PK
36
Ms or Mr Kamat. Your comment jumped out at me because of your regret that someone 'great' like Ms. Nyad had this to happen to her. I'm sure you meant no harm but please, there are plenty of victims who are just 'regular' people like myself who didn't deserve what happened to them either. Perhaps I'm being hypersensitive but this is a heinous crime regardless of who the victim is. Best regards,
33
Has anyone been to a third-world country where bicycles are the main mode of transportation and observed some of the impossibly large loads carted on them?
That's what I see so many females are carrying on their backs any given day.
We have to let out and dispose of the emotional turmoil so unfairly dumped upon us.
Pass the Equal Rights Amendment so the courts can begin the task of setting our world upright.
We need justice.
51
This is a terrible story, child abuse is a thing that I work against with our local organizations. I wonder who knew about this and why say her parents did not do something. Why did she continue on the team? If she was my child and I found about this well she would be protected and he might remember not to do this for the rest of his life. Support your local prevention of abuse organization.
4
Ask, instead, why this criminal perpetrated a crime against a child.
Don't ask why the victim didn't manage her shattered life better.
78
I dont respond often to columns on the internet. But this story is one of the bravest things I have EVER read in my life. If my daughters werent already grown up, I would insist that they read it. Best of luck to you.
42
Insist anyway. Wishing you and they well.
11
People seem amazed at the sheer number of encounters reported. Don't be. Many people get a thrill from exercising power: the power of their personal charisma, the power of their position, the power conferred by money, professional position or authority; the power of being older and experienced or bigger and stronger, of being a family member of influence. My uncle can't hug me without pressing my breasts. A man grabs my privates on the subway. Another man pushes his naked penis against my leg on the subway. Yet another man follows me in the street, day after day, until I confront him. A boss leans over my shoulder and looks down my shirt. A man in the street screams at me that he likes my "big thighs." A male supervisor provides no privacy, yet expects me to disrobe and try on my new waitress uniform. One of my female relatives is raped by a so-called friend. Another female relative is raped at knifepoint. Yet another female relative is almost raped at summer camp. A first-year college friend is having an affair with our department head: he is married "but loves his wife and would never leave her." Another boss is having an affair with one of his staff. These instances have occurred throughout my life and throughout the lives of my friends and family members. It's a despicable part of the human soul exercised by too many. To those among us who are ethical, compassionate, loving and gentle in their roles as authority figures, teachers, leaders, I have nothing but admiration.
81
What a devastating account. Heartbreaking and infuriating. Sick to death of men not only destroying the lives of girls and women but getting rewarded for it. Men's abuse of women crosses all boundaries, political, national, religious.
36
After reading this and other stories like this one, i am almost beginning to think all men are potential rapists or actual rapists.
In the 50's constructions crews would holler out to two girls or more something like "hubba, hubba, ding, dong," and we would just laugh and walk on. There were no lewd words or threats. If it didn't happen we may have wondered why it didn't happen or if pretty enough or something along those lines.
When dating if the girl said no, that was that. No ruled. No teachers, principals, etc., ever went beyond the socially accepted rules of conduct.
Do i come from a background of sweetness and light? I do not as i was raped at around age two by a man who i thought was my father. He stuck a rubber toy up my rear end. The man was not my biological father and i found this out when i applied for a passport. I celebrated by traveling far and wide, attending college and graduating and becoming an international published poet.
This man died and spent almost two weeks laying at the bottom of the basement steps, rotting, until it was reported his mail was piling up. I celebrated by reading one of my short stories on Halloween on a local radio station. Ye gads it was gory. Very gory. I celebrated.
I seldom think about it and take great strength in all who listened thought it was all made up. It never happened. Of course it never happened. Writers are strange creatures.
Times have most certainly changed.
12
You swim. I swam, we are close in age. I found laps boring. Diana Nyad, you’re not alone. You know this. Syphilis afflicted my sad birth nurse; when I was 21 months she was placed in Binghamton State. Doctor’s orders. She emerged only once. To feed me when I refused all others. I hated to be touched. Trenton High’s Al Neuschaefer became my freestyle coach at 5, his son was a homosexual. He manhandled his best, his instincts were clear. Yale offered 4 years. So, I quit swimming. Dear Nadia Murad came here to write her memoir. @SBLewisSB She shared. Recovery is possible. Memories will not vanish. Feelings will not change. But love helps. Love saves. Meet Nadia. Try her book. The Last Girl, November 7. She is special. Helping kids, kids raped in Syria, kids raped anywhere... helps. Join me. Join Nadia. You are not alone. We are among so many.
11
I can't understand why the coach isn't named? What is the point of urging openness and sharing these horrible crimes? The author has the opportunity here to name her attacker. While I sympathize with her for the terrible experiences, I have to doubt the intentions here, if even here it is not deemed appropriate or suitable to name the attacker. Is it possible the NY TImes would refuse to publish the name?
8
And his name was? Why protect such a creep? Why not see that his name is removed from honors?
13
I agree, publish his name or perish without unmasking your attacker.
2
She's named him many times over the last 45 years. Jack Nelson.
8
I believe every word Diana Nyad has written. "An archive of abuses" An unforgettable title. I suppose the male of the species has been about this business of sexual abuse from time immemorial: cavemen vs cavewomen.
Gun Control & Sex Abuse will ever remain uncontrollable. Such is the sad story of Homo Erectus.
8
Bless you and your fierce strength.
10
As a pediatrician who has done forensic exams, and been an expert witness for the prosecution many times in cases of child sexual assault, even I had a hard time reading Ms. Nyad’s account of her abuse. I think it important for us to look beyond the simple words of “groping, molested, assaulted” to the graphic descriptions in this article to understand the full horror of what happens to victims. I thank Ms. Nyad and the NYT for publishing this.
87
So she participated and in a terrible way supported her abuser for years. This from a strong powerful woman? I'm not trivializing any of her terrible ordeal. But really, she is an "innocent"?
1
I don’t understand your comment. She was a child when the abuse started and this man—as she clearly described—was the most powerful figure in her life. He was the entry point to her passion and the gateway to her dreams.
11
"But really, she is an 'innocent'?"She was when the creep started on her. And as soon as you say "but," you are indeed trivializing her ordeal. You need to re-read the article and really hear the fear of people saying just what you have said, "She participated. She brought it on herself. She is not so innocent. How could she say such things about such a wonderful man?" You are part of the reason so many women take so long to name their tormentors, if they ever come forward at all.
11
Your reaction to her story, by implying Diana Nyad was not an “innocent” victim of sexual abuse, disgusts me. You, like the sole juror in the Bill Cosby trial who decided the victim was complicit and thereby deserving of the abuse, are the reason why these predators get away with it and the women victims are afraid to speak of it. Maybe you were lucky that your appearance never attracted one of these abusers but, whatever, your opinion, and especially being another female, is the problem.
15
What is this about getting slammed up against a wall? A mattress was ready! This is no woman's idea of a mutually gratifying position, let alone violating a young teenager that way. Three images of upright sex come to mind in literature: Jonathan Franzen in Freedom; The movie, Atonement: Keira Kightley is up against a bookcase; The English Patient - Kristin Scott Thomas is up against a wall. (These last two are British). A relationship consists of consent, implying one has the maturity, the sobriety, the mental awareness to engage voluntarily and all that should occur within the bounds of the law. Grace and consideration, not to mention love, should reign.
4
Your comment is frightening. Even if they had been laying down; even if she had found some pleasure in it as the body is it’s own machine, this is a 14 year old girl — or even a 17 year old girl later in the recounting— being sexually and emotionally manipulated by an adult. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Referring to images of upright sex in popular culture somehow trivializes it and puts the act of sex back into the realm of objectification, which is one of the root problems herein.
26
Your final words are the most compelling -- we must speak up and not be silent. Yet, in a world where women are diminished, silenced and marginalized and the targets of misogyny and micro and macro aggressions, especially when they give voice to anything that challenges men, it is difficult to not only find one's voice, but to use it in ways that will be heard and honored. Hegemonic masculinity is so deeply ingrained in our culture and its manifestations are so heinous -- sexual assault, violence, mass murder, to name a few -- that it really will take a cultural revolution led by women and men to make a difference. Women speaking up necessarily means that men will need to refrain from talking so much, taking up so much space and generally, dominating almost every public sphere -- political, economic, social. . . until men step back, women cannot easily step up, speak out and most importantly, be heard.
21
I went to a public concert in a university town several years ago. I began talking to a woman who had been a gymnast on scholarship at that school in a program that won 10 NCAA Division II championships in 11 years. The coach was being inducted into the school's athletics hall of fame. The woman I met and several others came to town to confront him over years of blatant, widespread sexual abuse. "Put out or lose your scholarship" was his line. A friend of mine grew up next door to the coach and told me that it was an open secret what was going on, often right in his home, or in the swimming pool in the back yard.
31
Tell your story is one thing.. But where is both compensation for the victim and correct punishment for the perpetrator?
And high time to stop with this need for a man's love. "A Woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I suspect that at least some young women are looking for love in the wrong place.. and get hurt by Daddy-o or whatever you want to call this dominant male who seems to promise something.
But I know young women who have told mom about step-dad to no avail. I know how schools (social workers esp) can turn their heads when a child (5) accuses a parent of abuse. (child gets transferred by parent.) It happens again and again and again..
Telling the story is impt and maybe in the end someone will listen.. Even if it's the molester in chief. MOTUS?
14
Every day millions of adult men walk the Earth--fully masculine, testosterone ringing in their brains and bodies--and they harm... nobody. They even protect others from harm. They were exposed to all the same cultural messages about manhood, respect (or not) for women, etc. as the predators were. Yet somehow they manage to be good brothers, good fathers, good coaches, good teachers, good co-workers and good citizens--good men. And the ones that I know, anyway, are just as disgusted by all the predation as women are. The predators hide their behavior from other men, too.
Here is what would like to hear from those men--out of sheer curiosity. When you, a non-assaulter, hear a woman claim she has been assaulted, what is your first thought? Do you believe her? Do you wonder what she was wearing, or if she did or said (or didn't do or didn't say) something that justified the act? If so, why do you think that, if you yourself when faced with the same clothes, or words, or gestures, or whatever else manage to not assault people? (And if the claimant were male, say a high school athlete accusing his coach, would you feel differently?)
50
Thank you. I have my own story of rape and sexual abuse. I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to hear women across the world speaking out. I am glad that men are being fired and shunned. They aren't going to get away with this anymore.
29
And we elect a President of the United States who admits to sexual assault and has a number of credible accusers. How can we expect societal change if the most powerful person in the country gets away with, nay is rewarded for, outrageous and criminal behavior?
79
So many abuses and abusers. And even though I have been fortunate I personally know many who have not:
My sister date raped at 14
2 best friends in high school raped by adult family friends at 14 and 16
1 college friend raped at 16 by her brother in law
1 undergrad and 2 grad students sexually harassed by their advisor and tenured professor at Ivy League university
2 college friends raped by strange men who broke into their rooms
2 women gang raped by a fraternity at same Ivy League university
1 woman raped by "kind" man who offered to drive her home from a mutual friend's party
And these are just the stories I was personally told. I am sure many of my friends just haven't mentioned it.
What is it that so many men are not learning that they think it is ok to prey on women?
36
The unnamed coach is apparently Jack Nelson. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Nelson_(swimmer )
15
So beautifully put. You say what needs to be said. Thank you. Me too.
5
I shed some tears for you and others who suffered. Your honesty and courage are admirable.
4
Diana Nyad's lessons in dedication to fitness, challenging oneself, and perseverance have educated and inspired me for decades. This gut-wrenching eloquent narrative raises those lessons to another level. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to expose so others may learn.
9
If abusers feared exposure and speaking out was the 1st reflex, it would deter abuse. I fear we are still a long way from that scenario. Victims are reeling from the effects of abuse and often go into survival mode. It's hard for children or even adults to know what steps to take, where to turn for help. We need a public health campaign to reach out to survivors. We need to provide information to children about concrete actions to take if they encounter abusers. Formally, this should be part of age-appropriate health classes in school and part of pediatric check-ups (not just identifying which doctors do, but also giving kids feedback about what healthy boundaries are and how to respond if someone violates them).
Finally, it is sadly true that even those who should be in a position to believe are sometimes too traumatized themselves to do so. The daughter of an acquaintance was molested by a relative. It came out later in life and remains an open family secret. The girl's mother was in healthcare and by all accounts, a sophisticated woman, but this revelation knocked her on her heels. I think it ultimately drove her into psychological and physical illness. She never spoke of it and the poor women even went so far as to suggest to that perhaps "it was a fantasy" of the daughter's and not factual, perhaps to ease her husband's upset. Extended family swirls with knowing rumors but it remains a not very secret family secret for the primary family, with ongoing repercussions.
11
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am moved to tears by this piece. I have been almost unable to function since this all began with Harvey. I have been flooded and overwhelmed with grief and rage as all of the terrible memories destroyed my now and through me back into those terrible moments in my past. The last paragraph of your essay gives me some hope, that at 62, I can accept, not re-write of course, but concur my story. I am enraged. I may never shut up about all of this again.
32
So so powerful. Thank you for speaking your truth. You are an inspiration.
4
Many things to say. First, very sorry Ms. Nyad has had to live with this. I am near your age and at 12 was abused by a father figure. My mother's boyfriend. And a number of other abuses over the years. I can speak to the long term effects of such abuse. First, at a young age, perpetrated by a father figure, there is the breech of trust. In the beginning, a feeling that you are lovable and deserving of affection. Then? Maybe being lovable and deserving of affection involves sex? As a young woman trying to achieve in the work environment, and thinking that a boss was recognizing talents and potential and then finding out they only were interested in a sexual opportunity, dealt subtle blow after blow to my confidence. When the "Access Hollywood" tape was exposed, I found myself remembering my long ago encounters with men like Trump and was shocked at the emotions that surfaced and the tears. After all these years, I thought this was water under the bridge but I was able to still feel the shame an embarrassment of 35-40 years ago.
This really, really needs to be addressed as it is still keeping women down. Reminding them of their place and worth. And, it cannot be brushed aside if it occurred decades ago. The damage can be subtle but long lasting. Men (and women) who take advantage of their position and power by abusing, need to understand they will be called out and their behavior not tolerated.
23
Thank you for these comments. I'd like to know what you and everyone else thinks about addictive behavior: tobacco, alcohol, opiates and etc. may be influenced by covering up shame, depression and related feelings from these violations by stronger people against weaker children, adolescents, teenagers, females in general.
6
Thank you for publishing this piece and Ms. Nyad for writing it. I wept, and I fear for my grandkids. This kind of predation is beyond despicable to me and provokes violent thoughts about how I would respond if someone I knew faced that.
It also provoked puzzlement. Ms. Nyad writes, "That night I was not of this world." Why oh why did she not tell her parents what had happened? I cannot conceive of keeping silent. There are other coaches.
I've read the explanations that there is a shame that causes victims to fall silent. For the life of me I cannot imagine being silent. At 14 I'd have poked out the perpetrator's eye with a key. I'd have told my parents, as the only avenue to power over someone in authority.
I'm a man in my 60s, horrified and frankly shocked at the extent of sexual predation hat is being revealed. Seems at least partially like an indirect result of Trump's election - the only positive I can think of.
2
While your empathy is clearly evident, to ask why she never told anyone while it was happening makes it clear you (thankfully) aren't aware of the insidious, pervasive, shame-filled emotions felt by trauma victims.
32
You think you would react that way - poke the person's eye, fight back, etc. but it doesn't always work out that way. I grew up strong and I always fearlessly stood up for other people. But when I was 17 I was held down and raped by my childhood friend while another friend watched and I completely froze. He had his hands around my throat and I just kept saying calmly I don't want you to do this, please don't do this, please stop doing this. And asking my other friend to help me. And I remember nothing from after that. I don't remember going home. Nothing. I was sober and no one slipped me anything. I didn't remember any of it for months after. In fact, for years I thought it was only the 1 friend who raped me. 10 years later I was home from med school and hanging out with mutual friends from high school and found out the other guy had raped me too and was bragging about it. For years I thought he was just weak for not helping me at the time. I wish so much that I had gone straight to the cops back when I was 17 as I had always assumed I would in that situation, but I couldn't have - my mind blocked it as a defense mechanism. I'm a family doctor now and an overall happy person, but I understand why rape and sexual assault are underreported and why sometimes people freeze up or don't go to the police. Again, I would NEVER have thought that I would be the type to freeze up or not go to the police, but that's what happened. You really have no idea until it happens to you.
49
For those who have never experienced sexual assault as a child, it's difficult to imagine why these children don't speak up. Most don't. Most predators are either relatives or quasi-father figures like Jack Nelson. Most children aren't believed. Their stories are dismissed as fantasy; in cases where the child does speak up, it often divides the family. If your grandchild accused his/her father, would you believe her?
8
as a 'good' man who hates to hear these stories and would wish he could have helped prevent any of them, I'm always slightly annoyed with the story - the victim said nothing at the time, then many years later goes to the police who go 'huh - a bit late - where's the evidence - and anyway - too late and too hard to prosecute'
I'm thinking - teach girls in primary school - if anybody says to you 'this is our special secret' and then tries to touch your body in a way you don't like - shout 'NO !' loudly - hit them, fight back, keep shouting and don't stop until someone else comes to help you. Tell EVERYBODY - straight away. 'Special secret' is bad words used by bad people - don't believe it - go and tell someone straight away.
6
You will receive the benefit of the doubt that the intention for writing your post was a good one. Let me point out, however, some of your misconceptions.
First of all, because of an inequity in size, power, or status, the victim emerges from the encounter in shock and usually blaming herself. She figures she can bury the shame because she figures she can handle it and act like it never happened. Secondly, the victim is often not believed and often seen as bringing it on herself. She feels very alone and feels like SHE is the problem.
Blaming the victim for not fighting back hard enough has been a useful tool for years. What a choice....fight to the death or survive.
Depending on men to "rescue" one from a rapist also leads to blaming the victim for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Has this helped you understand?
14
Trauma can cause people to block the memories. It's not always shame.
14
Also, it is sometimes difficult for men to understand how sheltered girls used to be when growing up. Diana Nyad is about my age. In the 50's, I did not have a clear idea what went on between men and women. I did not fully understand the mechanics of intercourse until I was a junior or senior in high school. The explanations from parents involved concepts of love and marriage, but no information about people who might try to force things upon you. I was fortunate - the only real molestation I experienced was by a stranger on the street who grabbed my breast - I was about 26 year old. I tore after him with my folding umbrella. He jumped into his car and I beat on the windows, yelling at him. He looked terrified. I wished I could have shattered his car windows and bloodied him. But I thought perhaps it will be a long time before he bothers another woman. Even as an older adult, I was naive about sexual predation and thought it was rare. I have been awakened recently to reality, and worry about my lovely little granddaughter and her future. A lot of things REALLY need to change.
13
Are there any obvious "signs" to find in a predator? How can we know who they are? What do they do and not do?
4
Not really any signs. From my experience. I was abused as a kid and have 3 children, now grown, who were not abused. Though there is still the potential for workplace abuse. My kids were pretty well supervised but its a balancing act since you don't want your kids to be distrustful or to pick that up from the adults in their lives, just smart and strong enough to stand up to an adult. Even though kids are not responsible for abuse, they can be taught to stand up for themselves and parents will have their backs. I would say that when I was a child, adults always got the benefit of the doubt and that atmosphere can prevent kids from speaking out. Adults should be on the lookout for signs of abuse or personality changes in children they are responsible for.
2
Thank you for your excellent advice. Learning to say "no" goes a long way in life. We are not responsible for some things that happen to us, except that we must forgive ourselves for being small and not as strong as a predator. Some people are stronger or more clever than we were when we were children Some people take advantage of their power. Hurting a child is a horrible crime. I will guard the children that I teach. Thank you.
2
Nova, the internet is your friend here. Just google to educate yourself. It's not easy reading, but it's important.
1
Jack Nelson, the coach, is dead but clearly his memory lives on in the nightmares of his victims. Please honor his many victims by contacting the International Swimming Hall of Fame at http://ishof.org/contact.html and demand that his honor be publicly withdrawn.
47
It's time for all these stories to come out, names named, and these criminals locked up forever. Alice Vacssh a former prosecutor in Queens County, NY wrote a book about such people. She, having prosecuted many such crimes, wrote that these people can't be cured. The best thing to do is lock them away for life; it could even be in the Waldorf Astoria. Just lock them away for good and protect the innocent.
4
Thank you Ms. Nyad. Those of us with similar experience know well what you write of--but you write so beautifully that your story stilled my breath and it took me back many years. Telling your story will, I'm sure, help other young athletes.
7
Thank you so much. This is beautifully written and will help so many people.
6
I was sexually abused by a priest when I was 5 and 6. The abuse stopped when the priest left our church, but I never told anyone. When I was in college I read a story about two girls who were abused by a priest, and it was the same priest. The story said he had been acquitted. I contacted the attorney to see if it was too late to help those girls in court (it was) and then I told my parents - it the first time they'd heard it and the first time I'd told anyone. Only then did my older sister came forward to say the same priest abused her too.
51
Brilliantly written, shocking, moving, inspiring. Thanks for sharing Diana. Your courage will hopefully help others.
22
Ms. Nyad is arguably one of the toughest and most resolute human beings of our era, making the vulnerability and poignancy of her perspective so powerful for the rest of us. In a life of monumental achievements, this piece stands as perhaps her most inspirational accomplishment. We thank you!
38
So much has been written about this subject lately of course. But this is the saddest and most striking account I've yet read. As a man I can't truly fathom the trauma of this kind of abuse, but Diana Nyad's writing brought me the closest.
43
Eew. That is gross. You are brave to have carried on against such a concerted campaign to destroy your confidence. A strong man attacking a would-be strong woman - it's designed to keep him up and her down. Thank you for sharing.
13
Amazing, horrendous, inspiring.
We must not spark a Salem witch hunt.
But I believe that all those who have been preyed on by people like the "Coach" [who should be named btw] should tell their story.
6
The women convicted as witches in Salem were not witches and did nothing wrong.
Male sexual predators and molesters and rapists are everywhere and outing them is not a "witch hunt." These men committed crimes and need to face justice.
You are just another male rape apologist arguing that women should not be believed.
10
yet she still can't speak his name. Jack Nelson. What is wrong with men, that they do things like this all the time, all the time??? What is wrong with them???
38
Often, their name is unspeakable because people don't want to hurt their family.
3
thank you Ms. Nyad for this absolutely stellar essay. Finally a long overdue national conversation has started. we block sex education in our schools and then fail to protect our children and our young adults. This is an epidemic that the CDC c should be authorized to research. Children should be educated about predators and their secrets. too many more will survive to live in fear unless we do something in our homes, communities, cities and nationally.
33
My heart sank when I read Diana Nyard’s sexual assault survivor story. I was saddened by the trauma she experienced by someone in a trusted position, but the most heart renching part came after. I turned to the comments to thank her for the article and relay my similar experience. But then I saw them- all the comments of women who had experienced such traumatic things, and like me, as only a child. I wanted to vomit. Many of the women who were sharing their stories were in their fifties and sixties and here I was in my mid-20s realizing my experience is all too common. Like Diana, I waited till my early 20s to tell someone and in my case, a boyfriend. I never had the strength to tell my family. To this day, I know I’ll never be able to tell them. To say the words I’m all to embarrassed to repeat to my therapist, to the say the words he told my 2nd grade self- that I should not cry because “some day I’ll be interested in this stuff”. All these women who’ve been so violently abused but yet will never be able to publicly speak their experience. One by one, memories were branded into us and childhoods taken away, but sometimes worst of all, they took our voice. I know confrontation and even the mere sharing of my story to my family will never occur. But the words I can write can be my voice and a voice for others.
55
Thank you for telling us the details of the "sexual batteries" (intentional, unjustified, non-consensual, rude, insolent, injurious physical touching or striking of another for the sexual gratification of the bad actor) committed against you by your coach. I say that because when I read nebulous accounts of "sexual assaults" (the imminent threat to commit a sexual battery, with the apparent means to follow through on such threat), I am sometimes not sure what to think because I don't know what is alleged to have happened. The details are important. A conclusively-stated characterization tells us nothing and leaves many unconvinced. Convincing people that terrible things are happening is critically important.
Not only is telling in the moment important, to prevent the bad actor from forcing himself (or herself) on other persons, but it is also important to speak of the details so we can know the wrong committed and believe it. I believe you--I believe you. And what this coach did to you and the other girls on the swim team was his fault, and in no way your your fault. The school officials should have seen to it that this coach was barred from working with young people by seeing to it that he did a stiff stint in prison. I am truly sorry for what this coach did to you. My relationships with my junior high and high school coaches were important--although not all were perfect, obviously. But at least I trusted them to be decent, and they were--as it should be.
8
Thank you. Today I filled out a juror questionnaire. Several pages in appears a question: Have you or anyone close to you been the victim of sexual abuse?
8
I know why you must swim....
9
The lesson from your tragic story is that girls must be taught at least by 14 to report rape to the police. Your coach left semen on your torso. In hindsight, you should have collected it and given samples to the Police and a lawyer. Now every woman and girl has an iPhone. Press the record button, and leave it on until your memory is full. Then, delete the file, and press Record again.
7
Seriously? You're lecturing a woman of 68 about what she should have done as a 14 year old girl? How helpful do you think that is?
33
Four NOT fourteen. All children.Boys and girls.. Girls and boys
All kinds of abuse including the idiot mothers and grandmothers who say junkon National TV like it's so much fun to torture your children.. TEE HEE.. Bad Mom.. GTH. (The program was "Rachel Ray" this past week.. Hollywood culture?!!)
I stared down my SIL at T-day one year when she was being rude to her husband..my bro.. and dismissed the grandchild F she thought it would b fun to torture., by suggesting she go back to the potty and wash her hands. The angle was wrong for staring her down!!
Staring can work very well. If you see something, intervene.
This is a powerful story, beautifully written. I have my own #metoo story but sadly so does my son. At 3 years old he was molested by an older male volunteer at his preschool. Real grandfatherly type. Luckily our son happened to tell us and we reported it. The man was not allowed back, the school filed the police report (as mandated reporters) and we spoke with the assigned investigator. We brought our son in again later to talk to a psychologist trained to suss out whether a child could give testimony to prosecute the man. As expected, he couldn't. Those questioning the children are not allowed to ask leading questions but that basically means all they could ask were things like, what happens at school? Who do you play with? This being weeks after he had first told us, our son had no idea why he was there. We had been told not to talk to him about it or prompt him beforehand, but I regret we didn't. Not to put words back in his mouth, but just to remind him of the man (whom he hadn't seen since) and let him know it was OK to talk about anything. He might have recalled it to the psychologist himself then. The burden of proof rested with the 3 year old victim and it was too much. The man was dropped from the volunteer program but no charges were brought.
It still makes me furious that "nothing could be done." Like the stories Diana and other commenters have shared, he likely didn't stop there. My son is fine, but there may be others who aren't.
20
The "coach" is discussed here:
https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/11/sports/jack-nelson-swimmings-version-...
7
thank you
7
Thanks for your courageous sharing. I was molested as a 5 year old by a teenage cousin. As a young adult, I was sexually harassed by a very prominent Hollywood producer (although we did not have the legal term for it in the late 70s), who continues to be successful as a sports team owner and motivational speaker (!). I know it was my very active, engaged spiritual practice that helped me forgive myself and them, although this forgiveness does not include any justification whatsoever for their abuse of power. The more we expose this moral pandemic, the more hopeful I am that power-abusers can evolve into compassionate beings. What's needed is moral/character education and less glorification of people who are either just rich, beautiful, or powerful without supporting humane character traits. For that we need personal, media, and community support. It will take all of us to support transformation—first, in ourselves and secondly, in others.
11
oceans of love to you for this, Diana; oceans. xxxxxxxxxxx
26
Brave, amazing woman. Always one of my favorite contributors, journalists, and athletes. Now I admire her even more, if that's possible. I shared this everywhere.
6
I'm heartened to see so many people speaking out publicly about the sexual abuse they endured. Especially to all of you public figures daring to use your fame to challenge the shame, the silence, the complicity: THANK YOU.
I can't help but wonder how many would-be abusers will curb or stifle their urge to abuse, knowing that it's now less taboo for people to speak out about the abuse they were subjected to, and name names.
Seeing powerful people fall because of their mistreatment of those under their sway...it must give many men pause. Will they be outed? Perhaps they'd better behave themselves; control themselves.
One thing that bothers me about this story is how Coach Nelson was "fired" and yet went on to continue an illustrious career as a swim coach. Was it known that he was "fired"? Did his new employer ask his old, why he'd been fired? If so, did they tell the truth? If the answer to any of these questions is "no," we can see how institutions are complicit in abuse.
It still happens all over. If you are an employer or manager who "let go" a person because of violent or abusive behavior, but you don't do anything to make sure the person does not get the opportunity to continue that same abusive behavior, you are culpable. Everyone associated with this sort of thing needs to grow a spine. Particularly if it relates to the abuse of children, employers who pass the child abuser on to the next place should face criminal charges.
16
Time for the gay men or not gay men who have similarly been abused to come forth.
5
When I was six, a neighbor kid's grandfather asked me to come into the house while I was out playing in the sprinkler in their front yard. I went in, he took me to a bedroom at the rear of the house, and he kneaded me between my legs under my swimsuit. I didn't understand what he was doing, but I knew it was wrong, and I was ashamed. He gave me some change out of a jar on his dresser and told me not to tell anyone. When I went home, my mother saw that something was wrong and gently got me to tell her what had happened. She immediately told me, "You did not do anything wrong. This was not your fault." Then she went next door and confronted the neighbors. He never bothered me again and moved away shortly afterwards. I was lucky to have such a brave and understanding mother. When Trump was campaigning and the tape revealing his sexual abuse of women was publicized and then women started coming forward to say that he had abused them, I told my story on Facebook to a friend who wanted to call those women liars. And I went to the Women's March, and I told my story to an auditorium full of listeners at the Moth storytelling contest in San Francisco. Trump's election really did it for me: I was horrified and angry that so many people were willing to ignore violence against and contempt for women on that scale. I am grateful to Diana Nyad and all the women (and men) who have stepped forward to tell their stories, and I hope that this leads to a true revolution.
109
Thank you for writing this, Diana Nyad. But I wish you had named him, even if he is dead. Naming and shaming is powerful too, and puts some fear, I hope, into all the other criminals out there. Because that's what they are, these actors, coaches,teachers, priests: CRIMINALS.
9
Thank you Diana Nyad for your courage.
8
A powerful story and thanks for sharing Diana. Everyone that steps forward helps us all heal.
6
Thank you, Diana, for your courage and your support of women who have suffered at the hands of men in power. My "MeToo" moment has haunted me ever since my days as a sophomore (1969) at Kalamazoo College in Kalamazoo MI. A visiting professor of Political Science, A. Bolaji Akinyemi, in a single day of private in-office meetings with me and my fellow female classmates, forcefully kissed or attempted to kiss each and every one of us as he "discussed" our recent poor test results. That afternoon as we gathered in our dorm, we shared how stunned and sickened we were and how quickly we had been trapped and attacked. I was infuriated and marched off the next morning to the Dean of Student's office where I was counseled to "keep this incident quiet" and to "think of his poor wife" and "he is only a visiting professor and will be gone at the end of the summer".
I could not tell you the name of a single other professor from that time period, but I have never forgotten this man and his blatant abuse of his position, as well as the utter indifference of the Kalamazoo College Dean of Students.
54
Thanks. Could you name the dean as well?
5
We read repeatedly the most terrible of numbers, that one in three girls, one in six boys, will suffer sexual abuse at some point before they are 18, usually by, as the PC terminology goes, a "friend or family member."
While such abuse has gone on for eons, these stats have been public knowledge for decades. And yet whenever a person learns that a coach, a father, a husband, grandfather, uncle, etc. is in fact doing this, the person is shocked, shocked, I tell you.
Do the math, people! It follows that one in every not-a-very-large-number-of men behaves in this fashion. Everyone, whether impacted directly by such abuse or not, surely knows such men in our personal and professional life, probably more than a few of them.
Why is anyone even surprised?
12
I am so, so sorry. I am so grateful to Diana Nyad.
The penultimate paragraph is so eloquent and brave, and sublime, it leaves me speechless.
Ms. Nyad, please tell us what you would like us to do. Think of things, and please express them. This concerns us all, and you have done so much.
7
"Our . . . secret." I heard that from he who assaulted me, too. I'm glad he's deceased because I'm sure I wasn't the only one with a "secret."
Too many of us keep company with Ms. Nyad. We have seen the masks of monsters.
10
Holy cow. What a testimony.
I don't think I've ever had someone describe the nature of sexual abuse that well before.
We need to keep the momentum going. Tell your stories. Let's shine a light into every dark corner where abusers can hide, where the humiliation lives.
Well done Diana.
27
While this was painful to read, it is also a clarion call. Thank you for writing this and putting it out in front of everyone. May you find more and more peace with each passing year.
9
Diana, Thank you for such a courageous and articulate and moving description of the damage that was done to you. As a clinical psychologist who has the task of helping you and others to heal from this, I'm never certain what angers me more: the emotional hurtfulness, the mental damage, the enormity of the betrayal, the victim shaming, the denial of the responsibility, the way it affected your self esteem, the way the perpetrator stole your natural and spontaneous joy of living and swimming, the way they get away with it, or the way it profoundly disturbs normal relating with others. Or all of that.
14
Standing ovation, thank you for sharing
8
I. too, was abused at 14. I was a young avid golfer. The only girl at the course. In plain sight an older man (at least in his 50s) groomed me day after day. I was soooo innocent. As you describe, I couldn't have even accurately described intercourse. This man plied me with booze and molested me in front of his daughter. He was molesting her as well. I told two trusted people who, I guess, didn't believe me. I quit golf after a while and started smoking pot to numb my feelings. Flash forward to 58. I've been successful in my life, had two beautiful daughters, but recently I visited that country club I used to go to and saw his wife's name on a recent trophy in the display case. My head started spinning. I was nauseous...I lost it. The next day I called the police to see if he had ever been arrested. They said "no." I then reached out to an old friend - one of the people I had told about the incident so many years before. He told me that this man had died and had a hero's funeral (my friend attended). They played "I did it my way" at the service to an overflowing crowd. I reminded my friend of what I had told him when I was 14 and he said that he simply hadn't believed me, but he had since found out that the daughter was definitely abused. And then he apologized for not believing me. I guess that should count for something.
17
Why not put your assaulter's name on the internet? Since I don't see it much, I guess society still has some major punishment for those who name their assaulter, even after the assaulter's death.
6
An awful tale told with devastating eloquence and clarity. Thank you, Diana. Your amazing achievements in life were an inspiration to me long before I knew of your suffering. All the more so, now.
214
I'm 74 and I still am not over it. Last year I saw my offender's name on Facebook. At first I was going to confront him. I became so frightened that I couldn't do it. Even though I live in Massachusetts and he lives in Florida I was too scared to open up that can of worms. My abuse happened when I was 4 years old until I was 7 years old. I felt ashamed. I tried to tell my mother but she wouldn't make it easy for me. She didn't want to hear it.
I have never had a successful relationship with a man. I am afraid of men.
I advise parents to listen to any hints from your children that they have been abused. It is so easy to pretend that nothing is going on because you don't want to face the fact that it happened under you own roof.
The message I want to convey is that it is never over. I have been alone for over 40 years and I will die alone.
501
Nancy...your offender deserves public shaming.
Gather your courage, stand up and publicly shame him.
You owe it to yourself.
Millions support you.
20
I am so sorry that this happened to you. And that your mother couldn't bring herself to help you, or at least hear you. If you haven't already tried therapy, I suggest you do. Mindful meditation helps too. There is something called DBT that can be very helpful. You are not too old to try! There are good men out there. Peace to you.
10
the mother is often co-dependent and will not stop it - as they have their own history of abuse which is why they feel unable to stop it.
I'm suggesting better to teach little kids in primary school - tell EVERYBODY, not just your family - the sooner the bad news get out, the sooner it gets fixed.
To prevent stories like yours - of a lifetime of damaged relationships caused by a single abusive person - and stop them repeating the act and abusing multiple people while victims remained silent.
6
From Ms. Nyad narration it is obvious that the victims of molestation die a thousand agonizing deaths every day beyond the traumatizing event(s). Those who caused the trauma and lifelong anguish to the victims should not be absolved posthumously. With petitions from the victims' testimony, and citing Coach's firing from the job from his school for heinous crime as proof, the Coach's name should be taken off the Hall of Fame. If that can or should happen to Cosby and hopefully to Weinstein while they live, there is no reason why the wicked molesters should rest in peace in their death. Take the Coach's name off the Hall of Fame or at least put in a Hall of Shame for molesters.
20
I was in high school when a kindergarten memory of a scary sexual attack by a teenage boy suddenly came back to me. I asked my mother if it happened, and she confirmed it. The next day I brought it up with a group of four or five girl friends and every single one had an experience of some kind of molestation. Every single one. ("Me too" before there was an internet.)
The biggest problem is not the predators; it's the investment everyone else has in not knowing, or discounting, or disavowing that many, many children and women are dehumanized in this way. That disavowal won't change until women matter as much as men.
32
The problem is both the predators and the disavowal.
13
I saw the rubric for this piece early this morning and passed over it. I didn't want to read another story about another woman's suffering, her unbearable pain. Then, an old swimmer myself, I took the cold plunge.
Ms. Nyad, I don't know how you survived all those episodes through all the long years.
I know, from my days of competitive swimming in the late fifties and early sixties, who "Coach" was. His magnificent reputation spread nationwide. My coach pointed to him as "the cutting edge" of the sport, the kind of "real American" we needed to keep the Russians and the West Germans and the up-and-coming Chinese away from our rightful heritage as masters of the water. The cost was enormous and is being paid by all the Diana Nyads of our country, swimmers or no.
I couldn't have gone public with my shame the way you did. Women, for all their exploitation, seem to have a steel along their spines that men don't. Perhaps it's because, at the foundation, they're better than men ever were. Or can be.
12
Please, tell us why you don't now name the coach. What legal or other ramifications might there be? I am sincerely asking this question.
1
@CNS, CA: I didn't name the coach because Ms. Nyad didn't.
3
According to Wikipedia, Coach was Jack Nelson, who died of Alzheimer's in 2014 at the age of 82.
8
Thank you for that, Steve. Wikipedia reports both that: 1- Nelson retains his swimming coach "honors; " and 2 - Diana Nyad has asserted that Jack Nelson repeatedly raped her and other minor girls.
2
You should not feel that because you did not live through the Holocaust or any other large scale tragedy, that what you went through doesn't measure up to those tragedies.
I think it does. A big hug to you and the strength you had and do have. I'm impressed with you. Thank you.
11
Diana, just thank you. Thank you so very much.
11
All this trauma...my own at 13, which I rarely speak about, has been flooding back invading me again, ever since the Weinstein stories started coming out. How do males come to the conclusion that this behavior, this compulsion should be acted upon. The damage seems never ending...but perhaps we are finally moving forward. I think I may finally be doing that at 52...and i thank my brave brave sisters in the public eye for speaking so openly.
21
I was nine. That day, the happy girl who went to school did not come home. A frightened, withdrawn girl came home in her place; one who preferred the company of books, movies, and stuffed animals to people. I kept my secret for 10 years. At nine one does not have the words, and no one would have believed me even if I did. I carry the scars of my sexual assault, because that's what it was, with me to this day. I no longer carry them as a mark of shame but as a badge of survival and resilience.
This piece was like a emotional checklist to me.
32
When your friend said, "...the same thing happened to me"... I was floored.
It never occurred to me that what happened to me might've happened to others (by the same person that is). In a weird way (maybe even a sick way), I thought I was special... a way to make myself feel better for what happened I suppose. But now I think "surely I was not the only one"...
Thank you for sharing your story - definitely helping others!
15
Ms. Nyad, So sorry for what you've gone through, but whoa, am I glad you found your voice. Powerful peice. Thank you for being brave enough to share.
7
Thank you. Thank you for telling the tale about the embarrassment and the silence, about the trauma that comes out of our mouths when we are frustrated and stressed, often by small things. The effects of abuse--sexual or not--are like a mar on an otherwise beautiful piece of art. As we hear from strong women who have built their lives despite--or perhaps because of--the ugly abuses so many women are targeted for, we should remember that most abused women do not have the support system we need to come out of the fire stronger, and sometimes become abusers their selves. Attitudes toward women need to change.
5
Dear Diana, I cannot even imagine what it was like to have to face such abuse... all I can tell you is that in my own experience, God is close to those with a broken heart and He DOES care and sees, and He will bring final justice. Thank you for sharing your story and encourage others to do so!
3
This horror of overt sexual abuse needs to stop. One step is to require that all hierarchies, by law, are filled with 51% women and 49% men. This is the natural distribution of the sexes.
If womens voices had not been silenced by men with a distorted view of the world and their place in it the world would be in better shape for everyone.
I experienced covert sexual abuse. Covert sexual abuse supports overt sexual abuse. It took a long time for me to recognize it as abuse and to address it to recover from it's negative effects some of which still linger.
14
The courage of Diana Nyad in writing this article made me cry. I am a 62-year-old man, and only recently have I started telling a few friends about the sexual abuse that I received from a physician when I was a child. I tried hard to write a comment with my name attached. I could not. The shadow of shame that haunts those of us who have suffered abuse can last a lifetime. We all must stop this horror!
57
That's okay. By speaking out as you have done, you have surely helped many other people! Courage to you and thank you.
3
Think of all the girls who came across this coach or another coach like him and who gave up swimming because of it. Or girls who gave up music or gymnastics or school or college or work because of abusive men like this. Think of all the lost talent out there, women who never reached their potential in life.
All credit to Diana Nyad for keeping going and swimming on into the record books despite her horrifying experiences. But how many girls didn't? And how many female talent has been lost to the world because of men like Jack Nelson and Harvey Weinstein and more?
12
Me too.
Thank you for sharing your truth.
6
Thank you for sharing. #MeToo by a gynecologist and two ex-boyfriends.
13
Thank you, Diana, for sharing your story. So many of us have have had similar experiences, and what's most heartbreaking is that, like you, many of us felt we couldn't turn to adults for help.
Coming on the heels of the horrific Harvey Weinstein revelations (among so many others), your story is a powerful reminder that it's time to share our stories of abuse, assault and harassment without shame, because the shame really belongs to the adults (men) who abuse their power and their access to children and young people, and inflict harm.
I'm convinced that being open about our experiences and sharing them with the children and young people in our lives will enable us to keep those children and young people safer than the adults in our young lives kept us.
Your courage and honesty will help a lot of people, Diana. Thank you. #MeToo
9
Every parent should have their child read this story. Every educator should too. It's powerful and certainly important.
Children should be enrolled in selfdefense classes, so that they can protect themselves physically. If they are violated, they need to tell an adult, preferably a parent, and then a police officer.
Thank you Diana Nyad for your courage.
12
no,
I will teach my sons it is not ok to harass anyone
3
And what if the abuser is a parent?
3
Good god. My heart breaks for you Diana, and every other women who has, and still endures what you went through. I so admire you and all women who find the courage to speak up, and I have a better understanding of why it is so hard, and takes so long to do so. We must put an end to this...NOW!
13
Should be required reading for all men, so that they can better understand the hurt they cause when they commit these acts.
10
I am a nurse practitioner, and my husband is an attorney. He spends a little time each month doing pro-bono work to help incarcerated individuals wrongfully accused, and in the 4 years he has done this, has helped to exonerate three individuals using the latest technologies. I feel like the most liberal person in the world until we start talking about the death penalty. When I read stories like this, when I think about my 8 month-old daughter, I really have to stop and question how I feel about capital punishment. Maybe it's because I'm from Texas (albeit Austin), but I think my feelings would be clear if someone hurt my loved one in this way.
8
Please consider contacting Ivonne Scmid, [email protected], about removing perpetrator Jack Nelson from the International Swimming Hall of Fame. I emailed her this morning per another commenter's advice, and heard back from her within the hour. Here is her response, a start:
Thanks for your email. We are looking into this matter.
Sincerely, Ivonne
Here is the email I sent to her:
Please remove Coach Jack Nelson from the International Swimming Hall of Fame. You know why. Please let it stop here.
107
Message sent to ischmid
"Censure and remove from hall of fame"
6
Message send to her as well asking for removal of Jack Nelson from the Swimming Hall of Fame.
6
Thank you Diana Nyad for speaking out. And thank you for providing Ms Scmid's email. I emailed her too. Maybe if enough of us email, ISHOF will remove him.
We also have an obligation to speak out about assailants who are allowed to reap rewards of their careers.
2
For all our supposed evolution, we still behave in so many ways as if we were living in caves. For all our supposed "humanity", we continue to commit atrocities and injustices upon each other like no other animal on the planet. And let's face it, it's the males of our species that are mostly to blame.
One would like to think that, as more brave individuals continue to come forward and expose the abuses they have suffered, our tolerance for them will eventually disappear, better protections and remedies will be instituted, and and the abuses will greatly diminish, Yet, just a year ago, millions of Americans - many of them women - elected to the Presidency a man who was caught bragging about molesting women, and who publicly stated that if his daughter weren't his daughter, he would have dated her. Clearly we have a long way to go.
It truly unfortunate that the good people of the world have to suffer at the expense of the bad. Reading this piece, and seeing what goes on in the world on a daily basis, leaves me sad and demoralized beyond belief.
13
Thank you Diana for sharing your story. For all of us who have experienced sexual assault, it is people like you that will hopefully change the way the world sees these events. Don't stop now - whatever walk of life - whatever position you hold - please share and let's all create a safer place for women and men. And for the abusers - you can't hide anymore.
Abusers also need help - labeling them as monsters doesn't seem to be an effective deterrent. Recognizing that there is a problem is the first step. We as a society must find a way to openly face this behavior, this abuse and stop it.
8
Stunning, terrible, sickening, brave. Thank you Ms Nyad for writing and sharing your story. I hope getting your story out there contributes to your peace of mind. It will undoubtedly help others.
6
I actually feel very fortunate that I have never been subjected to sexual abuse. There have been a few times in my life where I felt an odd vibe from a man. For example, the one time I was babysitting when I was 12 and the father came out of his room with a short towel that snapped around his waist. I don't remember why I was babysitting while the father was home. I had shared this with a couple of friends who had also babysat there and sure enough, he had done the same to them. I never went back there. Maybe that was the extent of his jollies, but I expect not. I shouldn't feel fortunate that I was not molested, it should be the norm to feel safe, but it doesn't seem so. I am really glad people are speaking out. I feel such intense empathy for those who have grown up with such a horrid and life-altering experience. For all those who have come out the other side-what a feat! For those who have not yet done so, speak and be heard you deserve it!
12
This is why women don't come forward:
http://www.browardpalmbeach.com/news/jack-and-diana-6310159
Turns out Diana Nyad came forward at least a decade ago. Nothing--nothing--was done. Prosecutors weren't interested, and perhaps rightly so, because the statute of limitations had expired. But Jack Nelson, who died in 2014, remains in several swimming halls of fame. No one, it seems, was much interested in learning the truth, even though the truth was out there to learn. Why didn't sanctioning bodies, why didn't these halls of fame, do anything to figure out whether they were hand-in-glove with a pedophile? There's only one answer that makes sense: They didn't care. They didn't care about children, they didn't care about women. All they cared about was perpetuating a myth. And victims know it.
This is why women don't come forward. This is why it keeps happening. Disgusting beyond belief.
72
Or they'd have to explain why x is not invited to the Hall of Fame. Imagine how embarrassing and mortifying that conversation would be among the guys.
4
I felt sick reading your story. What a thing to carry with you for so long. Simply horrible. Thank you Diana for sharing.
7
I'm 64. An abuser ruined my career, not because I slept with him but because I didn't. He hired me assuming I would have sex with him. When I didn't he used his power to make my life a misery. By challenging him in the workplace I was branded a troublemaker.
42
You so obviously did the correct thing. No, absolutely no career is worth that steep price. Be very glad that you did not pay that steep price.
7
Assault changes the way that you trust. I grieve for the girl in this story, and shout and cheer for the woman who refuses to be silent. Thank you.
20
What was a man doing coaching a girl's swim team? Couldn't he have coached the boy's team and could there not have been a woman to coach the girl's team, as was the protocol at my suburban Phila high school when I was on the swim team? I know that there is no fool-proof protocol, but there must be at least a better protocol.
I applaud Diana for telling her story here and on the speaking circuit. But I wish that she could name and shame Jack Nelson by now. (Thank you for all of the readers for doing so.) He should have gone to jail, he deserve at least naming and shaming.
For the young girls (and boys) today, our society definitely needs to learn from all of these abuse stories and develop much better protocols to protect today's students from abuse. Awareness needs to be raised much more, protocols implemented and reporting systems announced prominently. We need to learn from our society's mistakes. Abuse is terrible enough when it happens to adults, but is especially heinous when it happens to children.
14
I hope with all the current testimony regarding sexual abuse that we don't forget the many, many children that are physically abused, too. Every day, children are slapped, beaten, burned, and hurt in other atrocious ways, most often by a parent or guardian. Any abuse of children is horrific and carries scars that last a lifetime. I don't mean to minimize or trivialize those who have been sexually abused. I just hope that our sympathy and outrage can be used to fight against and end all abuse of children.
12
The school administrator who asked if Jack Nelson's firing was "enough" owed it to society to pick up the phone and call the cops. He had his own misgivings and now had two witnesses/victims in his office and simply fired the coach and passed him down the road. That is very similar to the Catholic clergy plan for handling sexual depravity. I am sure he didn't want to taint his school's reputation, but the children have to come first.
30
I am a doctor. I hear these stories in my office. I see their effects on my patients--chronic depression, self loathing, fear and anxiety, nightmares, chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic physical pain, fibromyalgia, PTSD, dissociative disorder-- the symptoms linger. World over this is a problem. Parents should be open with their children. Parents should tell their children never to be afraid to come to them and if the father is the perpetrator then mothers should be prepared to call the police even if the father is the only bread winner, for I have had patients who felt far worse because their moms did not believe them about their fathers' molestation or their brothers raping them. I've had patients who were utterly desolate and bereft of all hope because their mothers silenced them since their fathers brought home the bacon and they often saw their mothers beaten and cowed by their fathers. They were twice betrayed--once by their fathers and once by their mothers and that betrayal stays as a brain scar opening up throughout a lifetime. I once had a woman tell me a heart rending story about how her dad abused her and I remembered it years later and I wrote this poem:
You told me your daddy didn't pick your sister to rape
he picked you and you're sister thought
you were special to your dad,
she didn't know what your daddy did to you
when she was nine she was sad
your daddy slept with you
and not with her
and she hated you for being your daddy's
little girl.
16
You are an inspiration. Your plain-spoken recounting of what you went through made me so angry; I'm sorry for what you suffered, and for what everyone like you suffered and suffers. Thank you for your voice
10
Diana Nyad is a brave and remarkable woman. She has turned this outrage perpetrated on her into helping others, and that is admirable. It is heartbreaking reading of this
article. One almost wants to stop reading it. I made myself read it, as well as the comments of the readers, all so moving and poignant.
I cannot help thinking of the countless young girls in the world who are exploited and used for the purpose of pornography and prostitution.Girls who come from disadvantaged home and are often sold to predators who will use them as sex slaves. All of this collective outrage we feel should be mobilized to inform ourselves of these shocking acts. I would like to know if there are organizations who act on behalf of these girls all over the world.
Maybe this is a good time for all of us to awake, and pay close attention.
11
I feel terrible for Ms. Nyad because this happened to her, but worse she has given this monster power over her up until today by not forgiving herself for what happened. The harder thing to do, after she forgives herself, is to forgive the assaulters. It is the only way for her to find peace. Pax vobiscum Diana.
3
Who are you to tell her to forgive?
21
Thank you Diana. I was raped at 14 by a (insert word that can not be printed) coach and counselor who may still be teaching in Miami. This gives me courage to speak up.
29
What's his name
(Ps - healing and loving thoughts bring sent your way )
6
Diana, thank you for sharing your story. You are a role model for men, women, boys and girls.
It is a new day. Name it, shame it and call it out. Jack Nelson will forever be known and remembered as a rapist and child molester.
Diana Nyad is a courageous athlete, talented journalist, inspiration to all, and a truly good and kind woman.
16
Diana, thank you for writing and sharing this. You are a triumphant and a role model for men, women, boys and girls.
It is a new day. Say it, shame it and call it out. Jack Nelson will be known for all of time as a rapist and child molester.
Diana Nyad is an incredible woman, an inspirational to all, a talented journalist, amazing athlete and a truly good and kind person
5
This is powerful and necessary. My late wife suffered an eerily similar event at 14, the same age as Ms Nyad when she was first assaulted. The difference is that my late wife feared retribution and therefore told no one except me, and then only a few days before she died. It was only then that I understood some discordant behaviors and attitudes of hers. I know that she wanted her story shared, and I have, as I am here. My wife can no longer speak for herself, but I can speak for her. At first I was startled when a woman, upon hearing this story, would say "Me, too." Now I understand that "Me, too" applies to far too many women. As Ms Nyad says, tell your story and never be silenced. Our daughters, and sons, too, need the message that these stories convey.
57
I was a therapist who specialized in treating victims of sexual assault. In the course of that work, I also met with many male abusers. The one thing I remember them having in common was that all of them had been sexually abused as children or adolescents, some by family members, some by clergy, coaches, friends of the family or others. Many were ashamed of themselves for having been abused. Very, very rarely were they truly, honestly ashamed of what they, themselves, did as perpetrators.
No, folks, it isn't about testosterone. It isn't really about the permissiveness of our culture. It is about child abuse. We put only rudimentary effort into addressing child maltreatment and virtually no effort at all if the family involved is white and wealthy. Child maltreatment knows no boundaries of class or caste. We just act like it does.
If you want to address the quotient abuse of women and children and vulnerable younger men, we must address child maltreatment. That means money for master's level social work clinicians to work as child protection investigators and therapists. No, people with BAs or even master's degrees in criminal justice or some other field will not do. They don't have the training. It also means very limited caseloads, 10-12 is recommended. The average caseload in most states is double or triple that number. They also have to be able to work with families for as long as it takes, no artificial limits.
So, let's face it. We will never address this issue.
44
The truth is, although it is helpful for me to speak up, without shame, as I often do - many people simply don't want to hear it. I have had the strange experience of having someone I have revealed my abuse to - whether it be a sister, a boyfriend, or close friend - within hours become enraged with me over nothing. They get very angry, either at me for revealing it - or at my perpetrator for doing it - and they don't know what to do with that anger. So it comes back at me. It feels like a victimization that just keeps coming - and I have very recently decided, oddly enough given the current climate, to talk about it no more. I have not found the sweet spot in surviving, and frankly, after having been told to "just get over it" - it is refreshing to hear Ms. Nyad's truthful confession. Abuse, especially childhood abuse, alters you. There is no "getting over it" - there is growing despite it, or because of it, or alongside it.
44
Me too.
I am afraid to talk about childhood physical abuse because family members are in denial and just scream at me. (The hitting by a parent continued until I was in my 40’s.)
Scared to even type my name here.
7
Notme,
I've had the same experience. Friends (?) I have told quickly removed themselves from my life. Here's how I deal with it. If, over time, I consider someone a good friend, I still tell. If they leave, fine. If they stay, I never talk about it again. I just need them to know, once.
It all stays with a very wonderful therapist. For HIM I am eternally grateful.
7
When life feels vulnerable my mind races back to that moment and I begin to doubt everything about myself, absolutely everything. It's not easy to shake the depression that follows. Nature helps. I exercise.
14
Thank you for sharing your story! May it inspire others to come forward and name their abusers.
6
Ms Nyad, Thank you for telling your story. The details of your assault, though painful to read, give the dimension needed to understand the depth of Coach's betrayal and ground your account of years of sexual abuse. The specificity makes it so believable and horrifying. I was a social worker to abused children. The thing I worked hardest on teaching them is never go along with an adult who wants you to keep a secret. Your use of the phrase "special secret" made me recoil. Swim on you beautiful woman!
16
Go Diana! Thank you for not just telling your horrific yet triumphant story but opening your soul to us. Speaking as a man on behalf of men—I hope not presumptuously—it is extremely important for us to be shown the terrible cost of sexual harassment and rape in undeniable ways. You have done so and I can see it only helping the causes of civility and equality.
7
Thank you, Ms. Nyad. This is very fine and powerful writing.
6
Thank you for speaking up. To me, you sound like a hero. I’m sure many people think that. You offer strength, courage and humanity.
8
Heartbreaking and Brave and sadly all too familiar. #metoo
5
Wow. Thank you for telling your story. It takes courage. I was raped by a neighbors brother when I was very young, 11-12. He snuck up to the attic and did what he wanted to do as I was sleeping. And I woke up. It took me years to even understand what had happened. I was well in to adulthood when I remembered and then I had to deal with the pain. I assumed that every girl had been raped. Then I realized that this doesn't happen to everyone, which made me feel even more lonely. The only conclusion I come to is that he is pure evil. He smiled afterwards. He was a father to six kids. He groomed me. It was a classic example of pedophelia. I knew at a very early age that evil was alive and well. I don't want to say that I have ever healed from this, but I was able to get past it with help and medication. It never goes away. But it is so great that people are coming forward (men and women) to tell their stories. It takes away some of the pain and also lessens the loneliness.
35
Thank you for writing this. My sister suffered through something all too similar in her teens. It casts a shadow still. I will send her your piece. Thank you.
12
"Up until his death in 2014, Coach was celebrated by the coaching community, his town, his church. He made it into halls of fame and to the top of the coaching pyramid, the Olympic Games. And so is woven the fabric of the epidemic. These often charming individuals are lauded, presented with trophies for their leadership, from the piggish Weinsteins of Hollywood to the unscrupulous parental figures scattered throughout our suburbs. Statistics bear out the astonishing number of sexual abusers among us."
I wish Diana Nyad would name him so as to expose "Coach" so that the community that sees a fuller picture of the man. By not naming him, Diana Nyad is not truly speaking up. Name the molester so that others can be aware of him.
15
For those who haven't googled "Diana Nyad's high school swim coach", it's Jack Nelson.
11
The article even praises his "hands-on personal attention" to his athletes. Yuck.
1
It appears she deliberately did not name him, perhaps because she doesn't want his name to have any further power over her.
2
The principal, whose number one job was to protect the young, should have shared every suspicion and report over the years with the police. Where there's a suspicious pattern, there's often a roiling blaze. It was not up to the principal to "catch him in the act." It's a job for the police. While these men seem brazen, they are often too cunning and secretive and powerful to be outed that way.
This is but one argument for the need of more women in charge throughout our society and in exalted positions. I'm not saying they should hold every position, just more of them and on more strata, to help fellow male leaders do the right thing. Beyond their parents, the young often find people to look up to, to "worship" as in Nyad's case. If women fill more of these roles -- not just that of Coach, but also as everything ranging from principals to Presidents -- I think they would not let the disgraced tormentors occupy the top coaching seat at a nearby university. I think they'd fight against letting abusers and rapists elude police grasp. I think they'd explain to the young how wrong it is to have a President whose mangled history includes sexually assaulting women and bragging about it to a journalist.
Thank God Nyad had the courage to come forward in all the ways she has. What a tragedy that the right steps weren't taken by adults to protect the young, our most precious asset in every way.
13
I'm the father of a 9 year-old girl. I've told her to scream loudly if anyone ever tries to touch her in a way they shouldn't. What else should I be telling her?
12
Get her some self-defense training. It's not too early. It will teach her what to do if she ever has to defend herself, and it's a fantastic confidence booster.
3
Not to trust men and groups of teenage boys.. Sorry, but that is the truth. A woman who knows.
4
For starters. You should tell her that if she's ever in a situation where she has an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach to call her parents and other adults trusted and vetted by you. You should create a safe path for her to take if she needs to leave a situation for any reason. You might also sign her up for martial arts, not to give her a sense of fake confidence, but to help her start to find the power of her voice.
3
There's another important, yet hardly mentioned, blessing that will come out of all of these recent revelations of abuse by men in powerful positions.It is that children and other victims will more readily be believed.
When the subject of sexual abuse is brought out into daylight, and abusers are publicly shamed, this validates the accusers. After reading so many stories, and if course remembering one of my own (#metoo,) the common thread is that the victim didn't speak out because she is sure she (or he,) won't be believed.
Ms. Nyad, and others like her who've expunged the personal shame that never should have been theirs to begin with, give courage to all who thought they couldn't speak out. And perhaps abusers will think twice now that they see that we are no longer afraid to "out" them.
13
There are grave complexities in these tragic cases of abused trust. For many, the story is different than the portrait the great Diana Nyad paints. For many, who are too young to legally consent, there is mutual attraction, deep trust, sexual curiosity. We have laws to protect minors for a reason. We regulate the age of consent for a reason. For many of the victims of this kind of abuse, it skews their sense of sexuality, which is often based on that of the predators who are taking advantage of them but are not emotionally engaged or supportive. The victims themselves often become sexually opportunistic and have difficulty building secure relationships.
7
What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open.
Muriel Rukeyser, 1968
51
That was very brave, and beautifully expressed. Perhaps one day we will refer to the Trump Era as the Great Awakening, when American women were mass-triggered by a misogynistic blowhard President, and all the beans on harassment and abuse got spilled.
61
A heartfelt thank you, Diana. You are amazing!
6
Diana: the huntress. Naiad: the water nymph. Talk about self-fulfilling prophesy. But who knew she could write so beautifully?
17
Andy in Illinois named it right - the huntress/water nymph. Thanks for your insight.
2
Much love and strength to you Diane. You are a phenomenal woman. The metaphors of your solo swims are wide and deep. I met you on an Olivia Cruise and have followed your achievements and articles about you ever since. I made a show about this because the silence was so deafening I actually needed to speak up on a microphone, amplifying truths, in as many rooms and to as many audiences as I can.
5
Thank you for telling your story with such grace and honor!
10
Thank you, Ms. Nyad.
My high school sweetheart was sexually abused by her father. I don't know the details or the extent of the abuse, and I didn't know any of this at the time we dated. It only came out a few years after graduation, under very unfortunate circumstances.
I'd long since moved on and had planned only a short visit to say hello to her. She was a senior in college; I hadn't seen her in a few years. And given how awful our relationship was I didn't know beforehand why I even wanted to see her again. But I did. And when we met I realized why: I was angry at her. Very angry. For how she'd treated me, frustrated me, demeaned me. As evening fell into night, my anger reached a crescendo, until she broke down and retched a very cryptic phrases that fully explained why it never worked for us. I don't think I've ever felt as awful about myself as I did at that moment. She did not want to say those words, but I forced her to, albeit unintentionally.
We never saw each other again, though we did reunite years later, when the Internet first allowed for such possibilities. We exchanged a few pleasantries, but the conversation ended when I apologised to her. She never married, lives alone, a cat her only dependent. I don't know what she's done to heal her wounds--she seemed so isolated when we reconnected briefly--but, Ms. Nyad, I can only believe that your courage and your words help.
I hope so anyway, because, God knows, I sure failed.
21
Mandated reports must always and forever take their position in society seriously. They can save lives. They must report what they suspect or now. Just do it.
7
I'm old enough to remember when it was considered in everyone's best interest in matters like this (and other injustices) to "keep quiet and just let it go." How could we have tolerated this terrible abdication of responsibility? I guess those in power will always be tempted to sweep transgressions against the powerless under the rug. How nice it is to see that arrogance being challenged. So how do you get more men to change? Well, in my case it took a wife and 2 beautiful daughters to make look at things from a new point of view.
11
My father in law, a pastor sexually abused my oldest daughter starting at age 4 in 1981. He started when I was in the hospital giving birth to my second daughter. He scared her silent. Absolutely a sexual predator, a paedophile. He said things to her like your getting to old for this, she was 12. He was looking at her sister and the oldest was determined to protect her. During sex education classes some of which I attended, I found out. We filed a case with the child protective services he was investigated, the state declined to prosecute because they had never had a successful incest prosecution in the state of Oklahoma in 1995 and so we sued. We lost but it was important for my daughter to tell her story and face him and NOT be silent. He was stealing her soul and she was claimed it back. We won on that score.
74
I am so sorry to hear of this terrible violence against your daughter. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you to have discovered what happened to her and by whom. I hope you all will heal in time. Thank you for speaking out for her and then helping her speak out for herself.
8
How horrible that this happened to your family. It sounds like people are fond of circular reasoning in Oklahoma. If prosecutors in Oklahoma don't bring cases against pedophiles in the family, then of course they're not going to have any successful prosecutions to cite.
7
Oh. My. God. This is horrifying. I hope every single woman continues to speak out. We must.
21
Yes, we must. But is it at all surprising to you if you are a woman? Is this the first time you've heard a story like this? Do you really not know any woman who has been assaulted? I am 55, well-educated, and have always been financially comfortable and able to reside and move about in "purportedly "elite/safe" surroundings. And I have never, ever met a woman who doesn't have a story to tell. Including me.
20
Speaking up sets a powerful example and the comments make clear that many, many people feel grateful to Diana for doing so.
Some commenters call this abusive treatment of women an epidemic. I suggest that it's a tradition going back to Paleolithic times. Thanks to the Times for trying to confront it.
A neighbor lured me into his apartment when I was 11, waiting outside for my mother to get home from work, and started to molest me. I ran for the door--terrified that it might be locked--and escaped. That was not my only scrape.
But much sadder is the fate of a withdrawn little girl in my neighborhood. I sometimes heard her crying in the evening in a way unusual for a girl of 8, then 9, then 10, then 11--and so on. I involved a neighbor across the street from her house in my worries. We would meet at her house when we heard her crying. We started to notice that the mother's car was gone on those evenings. But we could not make an accusation without more evidence. The girl must have been 13 by the time we heard her screaming words at her father one evening that we could report to the police. The police came after the screaming stopped. The father was an ex-cop. The mother took another year to stop denying reality and move her daughter out of the house. That girl may never have a normal life, but her own voice and words saved her from further abuse.
23
Saved by her own words and voice AND by people like you an the neighbor who were willing to listen and then act on what you heard. You may not think of your actions as particularly heroic, but they were.
13
Thank you! I've always felt terrible that I couldn't figure out how to help her sooner.
4
As one commentator has already expressed it: I wish this predator-coach was named. He doesn't deserve to be in any "Hall of Fame" but of Infamy.
9
Nyad has publicly named him on multiple occasions.
3
My mother-in-law is 87 and one day in the car she said: "The man was a family friend and no girl should ever see or experience what I did at 17." Her memory of 1947 was not diminished. The terror in her eyes was real. I told my girls, always tell. They are grown women now, but for 20 years I never could let down my terror of them being alone with coaches, teachers, bosses. All I could do was tell them, "always tell if anyone bothers you."
31
The shame and fear that Ms. Nyad relates prevent young women from coming forward. When society, even obliquely, seems to ask "what did YOU do?" silence is self protective. Women are asked, "why didn't you come forward then?" It is because of powerful authority figures using threats of violence or sexual shaming. Most women as adults see how they were manipulated. Yes, me too. I was raped by two men when I was twelve years old and never told anyone until I was sixty. In my childish mind, I was afraid I would be punished because I did not go directly home from school. How can we teach children and adults that it is not the child's fault and that they will be believed, nurtured and safe if they speak up? There are still those who blame victims of sexual assault and rape as somehow complicit, continuing the fear of speaking up.
30
Thank you. I have been contemplating telling my own story, and what you've written has given me the courage to do so. I plan to add to my rapist's glowing Wikipedia page. If only I could have added to his glowing New York Times obituary in 2010.
52
Dear Diana Nyad -- this article is another way you are a wonderful role model for so many -- your honesty in discussing the atrocities that were visited upon you as a young woman. This openness helps many women who have suffered in silence and self loathing for years know that we are not alone. You overcame that loathing, you are a champion athlete, able to literally swim with the sharks and not be held back from following your dreams. You are an inspiration and I appreciate your story enormously. I'm so glad women are coming forward and saying NO MORE!
11
Thank you for this incredible story. It's profound to me that this still hurts you and you believe that it always will. I think it helps drive home the impact these horrible behaviors.
8
I tried emailing the International Swimming Hall of Fame but kept getting a server error. Will keep trying, as I hope others will, to get them to remove Jack Larson from their HofF roster.
18
I'm the same age as Diana Nyad and trying to comprehend at all what it's been like for her to have suffered and endured and internalized this predatory coward's brutality for her whole life, and my thought is that sexual molestation / assault / rape literally rip a physical part of the victim's being away from them that is as if a limb has been lost or worse.
If it were as common as sexual molestation / assault / rape are to women for equally pathological predators to routinely attack boys & men and cut off an arm and leave them alive, our government of men would absolutely equate the brutality of these assaults with murder, condemn & punish & sentence accordingly, and shaming the victims would never occur to them in a million years.
12
Thank you for sharing your story and for helping others share theirs.
6
"I didn’t suffer the Holocaust. I’ve never been through the horrors of war. I don’t paint my youth as tragic, yet..." I admire this essay. However, molestation by those we are taught to love and trust is every bit, if not more, as traumatic as the horrors of war. Research suggests that the PTSD symptoms of prostitutes (who are repeatedly raped by johns) is equal to and even more extreme than the combat PTSD of soldiers. In war, combat trauma is perpetrated by an identified "enemy." The sexual trauma that women, men, girls and boys endure from those in our own families, communities and institutions erodes our ability to trust in the world at all or feel safe and secure anywhere. It is sad to me that after all these decades, Ms. Nyad still does not fully appreciate and own that what happened to her was a both deeply tragic and traumatizing human rights violation of the worst kind.
12
Thank you Diana for your courage to speak out. While I️ am buoyed by so many women (and men) speaking out, each new story strikes a chord in me.
My father abused and sexually assaulted me for years, threatening to harm my sister if I️ told anyone. When I️ finally had the guts to tell my family, they could not or chose not to believe me. It’s hard and painful, but knowing I️ am not alone is helping.
We must, collectively, make this end.
28
I have admired Diana for so long because of her amazing courage and determination to do impossible things. Now I see from this story that Diana is human too and I admire her the more for it. It puts things in perspective for me. Something that would be hard for me otherwise to understand. Swimming from Cuba to Florida, as impossibly difficult as that might have been, is not as difficult as living with and telling about the horrors of sexual abuse. Thank you for being superhuman and human both and for the courage to swim and to tell your story.
19
Like many readers, I was curious about the name of this man.
His name is Jack Nelson. You can find it with Google.
A sick and twisted man. I coached girls' soccer. I never touched a single one of them. A coach has power, and must not abuse it. Nice kids, and I enjoyed the coaching and the girls. I did not enjoy them in a bad way. I'm a dad. I believe that my coaching was a help. None of my girls will ever say my name in a bad way.
25
Thank you so much for this piece. It is hard to read for anyone and yet it reminds me of an event which occurred some 60 years ago. I was a junior counselor at a summer camp for boys which was run by the music teacher at my high school, a cantor in his temple. I was 16 years old. After the boys in my cabin had left for a trip into town the music teacher came to the cabin. I was alone. He asked me to lie down on the floor with him and as I did he touched my genitals. Fortunately the boys returned shortly after the incident. I don’t know what might have happened but I left the camp the next day. I never told my father because I thought he would probably kill the man. I told my brother and subsequently told my therapists. I have lived with this memory for decades and I still think of it. This incident affected me and still haunts me.
41
This is unbearably sad. I am so sorry. How ever were you able to carry on? Thank you, Ms. Nyad, for making your story public. Your testimony is a contribution that will endure for generations, particularly in light of the example you have set for young women everywhere.
18
Back in the late 70's I was living in Ft. Lauderdale and would swim at a local high school pool. I was told that Diana Nyad had gone to this same school and I remember how thrilled I was knowing I was swimming in HeR pool ! That knowledge definitely made me swim faster. She was a legend even back then.
To think now of the abuse and trauma she had to cope with as a young innocent trusting girl is so heartbreaking. This has made me admire her tenacity, bravery and integrity even more. Hall of Fame coach Jack Nelson should be remembered in shame . Leave his bust in the Swimming Hall of Fame but inscribe under it his his deeds. Only then might we pause and reflect on our own complicity .
37
I too tried to contact the International Swimming Hall of Fame to suggest the remove Coach Jack Nelson from their list of honorees, and got a "server error" on their contact form. But I called and got a direct email address of the person to whom this contact form goes: [email protected]. It's a Ms. Schmid if you want to address her properly. I will write directly and include a link to Ms Nyad's brave story and suggest that they read the comments from readers. While I am grateful to be able to say that I have not been subjected to sexual abuse, it was affirming to me to read how deeply internalized, and hard to shake, repeated ideas about ourselves by respected adults can be when heard over and over as children and young adults.
Ms. Nyad recounting her automatic adult reaction to fumbling with the groceries, coming out in a spewed rage of language in the words of her childhood abuser, despite all the conscious work she's done to mitigate the effects of that abuse, really moved me. Trauma and damage happen in many ways, intended or not, physical or not, when we are children. We internalize so much because we haven't matured enough to see ourselves as anything but the cause and effect of everything that happens to us. And when we don't have a way of talking about it and looking at it from another perspective, it's so difficult to question that initial feeling about ourselves.
Thank you Ms. Nyad for sharing your story in exactly the way that you did.
40
What drives these sick men? I'd like to see a serious story about the psychology behind this behavior. What do the men get out of it, how can they justify it to themselves, how can they conceal who they are from their spouses and how can they possibly assume a "special" relationship when they torture their usually-young victims. I try to comprehend the behavior, certainly not to excuse but to better understand how the psychology of the captors and how they can be caught.
21
I have always wondered this as well and the question has haunted me ever since the incidents in my own life
8
I would like too know this, too. I know that gender identity is becoming more fluid, or at least we are accepting it more openly because of research about how the brain "matures," about how certain psychological traits are turned on during gestation (or not) because of the hormones prominent in the future mother during certain key developmental periods. (Google "epigenetic") I ,too, condemn the acts of men who prey on young kids, but why do they do it, when other men have no similar urges? What is it that drives these guys? I don't want to excuse them, but maybe they drew the unlucky straw.
3
"What drives these sick men?"
Power. Degrading others is how they make themselves feel good.
5
How about keeping evidence and DNA analysis. There should be mechanisms to turn in name of miscreat and the DNA evidence anonymously to authorities
3
Horrified as I was to read this story, I'm more horrified by the fact that even now Ms. Nyad doesn't name her coach...who was, by the way, voted 'Man of the Year' by the city of Ft. Lauderdale, years after she'd told her story many times.
10
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know how much courage that takes to put the truth out in the universe. In the past month, due to current news of famous people being rapists and sexual molesterors....maybe this is our time to tell our story. I have my own story...Yes, with a relative whom I trusted and looked up to as my hero. I had my day in court. I was able to tell the truth and look at this creep in the eyes. He was pathetic. He is now dead. Yes, we all need to share our stories to let the next gerneration know that we are now watching you. It was not your fault. Sending you love and courage from the south of France
10
Jack Nelson. Someone below named him. His name was Jack Nelson. Strip him of his legacy, strip him of his fame, his reputation. Shame him with all the fury in us. Name him and shame him, and all the other Jack Nelsons out there. Enough.
21
This is a lesson for parents and educators. Begin each day or week or year telling young people to report any situation to you that is the slightest akin to sexual threat or assault. It is especially important that parents (and all adults) make children comfortable to report such incidents. It is equally important that parents (and all adults) then report assault to the authorities and fight it to the finish. And it is crucial that parents make it known to their children that nothing is more important than this, not their children winning awards or medals or being champions or team members, nothing. Only the child's welfare is important. Reading this story, I began wondering why this young girl didn't feel comfortable to go right home and tell her story (why did it take so long for her to have that courage)? Isn't it possible that she felt that they might pass on accepting her story--that their need for her to excel was greater than her own safety and she simply sacrificed herself to that? Children must never feel that way! And of course the coach (and all of those who assault children) knew to destroy her sense of worth as the best intimidation. So parents and all adults need to focus on emphasizing that children are priceless, are treasured, and anyone who denies this, who calls them names or makes them feel guilty must be reported instantly. Every parent must this very day tell every child YOU MATTER. ABOVE ALL ELSE.
6
I am so sorry to read your story. I was a competitive swimmer until my sophomore year in college. While your experience was not my experience the coach I had when I started swimming at the age of 11 was known to be very sweet on an older swimmer (15 years of age) whom he later married leaving his wife and son, although decades separated them in age. Would it help to publish the name of the coach so that others who swam with him can come forward and his name can be removed from the hall of fame. I would.
3
Are there resources for youth sports organizations to help them prevent things like this from happening? Seems like millions of kids and thousands of organizations could benefit from some advice on best practices.
2
Thank you, Diana. You have been a hero to many young people throughout your life and I congratulate you on continuing your heroism into your later life. You are a brave woman and I am glad you have the strength to speak out. It is no wonder that the threat of sharks did not frighten you when your young adulthood was fraught with danger that no one could see or imagine. Piece of cake compared to what your coach did to you.
Your voice will give others of us the courage to speak up.
6
None of our daughters should ever go through the horror and abuse Diana Nyad and so many others have suffered. Nor any of our young men the kind of things alleged against Spacey.
Is this the point where history will note a dramatic change? Where women will no longer be shamed, threatened, or moved by fear into staying silent?
Thankfully healthcare professionals are generally kind and supportive towards victims of rape and sexual assault. Something that isn't always true of school administrators or some police officers.
We need the abuse to stop. For that to happen women need to believe that they will be protected from their abusers when they come forward to tell what happened to them. What more can we do to ensure that's the case? More avenues for confidential counseling seems like one way we could do better.
2
Thank you for this painful, beautiful, and powerful piece. It is so important for survivors to speak up and share their stories. I think there is a cultural idea that abusers are dirty, frightening men who grab kids from the bushes. The reality is many are charismatic, and seek out employment with youth. The most dangerous people in a child's life are their own family members, and close family friends.
8
Below is the International Swimming Hall of Fame bio for Jack Nelson, the perpetrator. What if thousands of people emailed, wrote and called to demand that he be removed? Stand up for all the young women he assaulted and for those who will be encouraged to speak out in the future. (If you don't want to click, just google.) http://www.ishof.org/jack-nelson.html
12
I was abused growing up in the 1970s. No one cared. I'm tend to think that society is divided into abusers and the abused. No one is safe. Even the abusers have been abused in many instances. It's horrible and I don't think that my talking about it even now can change what happened, what followed and where I am today. No one really cares. Why should they? To what end?
6
My heart goes out to you. I believe it would help to talk about it, at least to a therapist, and perhaps to close friends. You might find affirming support and some healing. I did. I suspect it’s more difficult for men, but the pain and shame must be similar. Hang in there
8
Peter, you ask "to what end?" What about simple affirmation?
I hear you; I believe you. I am sorry that it happened to you.
8
Peter, _please_ get help. A lot more people care than you think. And talking about this often helps break the grip assault maintains on victims.
5
I hope commenters will cease pressing Ms. Nyad to name Coach in these personal accounts. I am sure his name is attached to her story somewhere and has been easily deduced from Wikipedia, according to a number commenters. If Ms. Nyad has chosen to avoid putting Coach's name in print here, I am sure she has a reason she feels is paramount to how she wishes to tell her story. I trust she is telling her story exactly as she needs to at this moment. In fact, Ms. Nyad has done some very heavy lifting for the rest of us as she recounts her ordeal in precise vigorous language. Perhaps, the rest of us can carry a bit of this burden for her and follow up with calls for Coach to be stripped of his accolades and have his true legacy exposed. The information on his identity is out there, and a vocal public denunciation can be achieved without asking Ms. Nyad to put his miserable name in print as she tries bring about her own healing through her story.
28
Seriously. I can't believe how many people's first response to reading something like this is to shout a demand for a public shaming and imply that the victim is somehow to blame for not naming him, not accusing him sooner, not making sure he was prosecuted, etc. etc. As you say, let's leave victims a little space to make their own decisions about these things instead of shunting onto them, on top of everything else, the burden of responsibility for bringing their abusers to "justice" in the way we would prefer.
5
No need to press the author to name Coach - he is named throughout these comments, thankfully. Here is contact info (from another commenter) for the person at the International Swimmer's Hall of Fame to whom you can write and suggest that Coach Jack Nelson be removed from their list of honorees:
"I too tried to contact the International Swimming Hall of Fame to suggest the remove Coach Jack Nelson from their list of honorees, and got a "server error" on their contact form. But I called and got a direct email address of the person to whom this contact form goes: [email protected]. It's a Ms. Schmid if you want to address her properly. I will write directly and include a link to Ms Nyad's brave story and suggest that they read the comments from readers."
Hope this helps. I don't know why Diana Nyad opted not to name him, but I trust it was with good reason.
1
Wr are, all of us, in search of something real.
Something right, and kind and just.
Sexual violence tears so savagely at the roots of humanity
that it can stunt every dimension of growth, every hope,
any and every trust.
Write it down, when you are ready, for yourself, as an act of reclaiming.
Write it down, for other women, so that they can see a crime committed against the most fundamental aspects of their personhood as exactly that; a crime, by a criminal, and that the heaviness, the ugliness, the dirt that won't wash off, is not something a victim should ever have to bear; abused again and again by the uninvited memory of abuse.
Diana Nyad, thank you.
I am a man who has been married for twenty-five years to the love of my life.
We've raised two beautiful boys, and she has held my hand and been my friend every step of the way.
Every life has its secrets.
Some are so toxic they must, absolutely must see the light of day.
I know you wrote this for yourself.
And in so doing, you wrote this for her.
You wrote this for me.
23
Thank you for this powerful testament.
9
Why didn't you name the Coach and the schools he worked at in this article?
There were dozens of women/girls sexually attacked/raped by that monster and enabled by all those enabling "suspecting" principals/deans.
Let's teach our daughters that these monsters are despicable sexual predators and that we admire their courage to speak up and report them and protect other women/girls.
Will you work to strengthen our sexual abuse laws, remove any prosecutorial time limits, and laud those who bring to justice these sexual predators whether coaches, religious leaders, teachers, "fine upstanding citizens", etc.?
8
It started off early in my life with a father who violently abused me, my siblings and our mother. She initially tried to intervene, but he taught her to keep her mouth shut. I saw this highly intelligent slide-rule engineer--a man who could do calculus equations in his head--dump a big pot of boiling water on my mothers hands while she did dishes. I saw him slam a car door on her hand while she tried to pull herself out of the car while wearing a cumbersome back brace from an severe back injury he had caused. She sank into drug and alcohol addiction and made me the primary scapegoat for his rage. I saw and experienced many things and by the age of 14, I tasted the alcohol that they drank and it changed my life, for what seemed like the better, at first. I gave relief from all that chronic fear, self-loathing and recurring memories until it became my master.
I'm 63 years old now and I still suffer from PTSD, but it doesn't take me down like it did in years past. I don't drink or drug anymore. I recognize the symptoms now and apply what I've learned from the many decent people who have taught me how to get through these episodes and life in general. I'm in a loving relationship now, which used to be impossible and I've reunited with my own family. I'm also able to help others recover from their past traumas, and I now see my past and my recovery as a harsh form of training that is benefiting others, like you're doing here. Thank you.
75
Diana, bless you, thank you -- unvarnished stories such as yours will continue to raise awareness of such abuses, particularly among those with an it-couldn't-happen-here mindset.
I have described my story elsewhere; apologies for repeating myself.
When I was a freshman at a rural high school in Pennsylvania, my phys ed teacher contrived a scenario to get me alone in his office, a premise that involved removing my pants and underwear to try on different pairs of jockstraps. As he began to feel around "to see how they fit" I became ticklish to the point it thwarted his efforts to take things further.
Still, the undefined sense of violation clung to me -- I had no frame of referrence; this would have been about 1970. I was beyond naive.
My point in bringing this up (again) is that I did feel the need to tell my parents about it. And perhaps more hurtful than the event itself, they did nothing. In fact they joked about it. I came to see this years after the fact.
It took some time for me to realize that maybe they didn't have any frame of reference either about what I'd gone through. Not denial or neglect, just sheer ignorance. Things like that happened somewhere else, not in Dallastown.
Increasing awareness, then, hopefully will save other youngsters from needing to process molestation assaults completely on their own.
Thank you again for your truth, and for hearing mine.
20
I do not know the names of the men who assaulted me, in childhood, adolescence, young adulthood. You do: Say his name, seize back the power he stole from you.
9
Diana Nyad did speak out, Helen, and name the coach. It's all over this thread, and elsewhere.
I'm sorry for what happened to you. I believe you.
2
Diana,
I started to weep when I got the part about the second assault. When I got to the frail older woman and learned her story I started to sob and did not stop until after I was done. I wanted to tell you that there are many out there who very likely did the same too. As irrational as it may sound, I think the faraway tears and sobs may be some internal force that attempts to absorb the pain upon ourselves, to lessen it perhaps. Symbolically, the collective tears could also, if you wish, be seen as an attempt to drown out this shame. I am so sorry this happened to you, and to any other victims who learn of your story.
264
The part that got me was the story of her raging at herself, calling herself the names he used to call her. That was painful to read.
7
Thank you for sharing your story.
5
I think you can call him a monster if you have never taken advantage of someone. Otherwise it’s about how much pain he, you, or we have caused.
2
Is that some kind of defense? We’re all bad, this isn’t much worse? He did not make some one time mistake. He was someone attracted to children, who put himself in their path knowing he was attracted to them, and continued to hurt them, multiple children. He is the true embodiment of a monster.
8
What nonsense. "Taking advantage of someone" covers a whole lot of noncriminal behavior, including stealing a swig of their soda pop when they are not looking. But sexual assault is sexual assault and it is always criminal.
Please show some perspective, unless you want people to think you are making light of a crime because you are one of the perpetrators.
7
No little girl or boy is safe in this world.
Only when more women and men tell their stories loud and clear will this terrible
mental illness be addressed.
2
This man coached Olympic athletes, won prizes, basked in the accolades of his church, academic institutions & teams of vulnerable girls? SAY HIS NAME. He did not protect you: he is dead now, why protect him?
6
It's disgusting that this vile predator has been honored in the American Swimming Coaches Association Hall of Fame since 2009 (as well as others). It's ironic they they list current and past criteria for hall of fame consideration. Interestingly enough, I don't see "sexual assault of a minor" listed...
Thank you for sharing this very painful story, Ms. Nyad.
14
Thank you Diana for speaking your truth. I hope you are not longer swimming long distances in water where you can get seriously hurt. I saw the documentary about you and it seemed like you were continuing to punish yourself by putting yourself at such risks. You are such a brave warrior and speak so eloquently about the isolation, anger and feeling of being a bad person that comes with child sexual abuse.
5
Very moving Thank you so much for being brave enough to speak. But Is there a place for men who have been abused in this conversation? I live with my sexual abuse every day too. Its not just women its people like Kevin Spacey attacking boys too.
2
Yes, there is a place in this conversation for all victims of sexual abuse to speak out. As we are finding out, abuse does not appear to be as rare as we once thought it was. It's high time for the perpetrators to be held accountable for their crimes.
3
Why isn't the coach named? Why?
1
That coach--Jack Nelson--should be listed in a Hall of Shame, held up as an example of the deep wells of selfishness that motivate such sexual predation.
No self-respecting swimming association would do anything but strike his name from a Hall of Fame and add his name to a newly-created Hall of Shame. Because that is how this might end--by harnessing a fear of such public shaming, by repeatedly outing and blacklisting such sexual predators, as well as putting them behind bars, where they belong.
Thank you, Diana Nyad, for your eloquent account; may you and others keep speaking up!
19
So what was his name? and how do we get him eradicated from any halls of fame?
2
Thank you for sharing your story. In my family every woman has been molested by a male family member going back to my great grandmother. It's a sick cycle that seems to have no end. Children should be taught that they have autonomy over their bodies. Perhaps now that we're more openly talking about this issue things will improve for young women. No one deserves to have the possibility of who they might have been stolen by a selfish pervert.
10
Thank you, Ms. Nyad. It angers me to no end that so many people have been compelled to suffer in silence for so long. These assaults and betrayals warp and diminish us, and we have to put so much energy into recovering that we are sapped, at least for a time, and unable to excel in other areas because of the healing we need to do first, or as long as we live. And none of this happens in a vacuum. It happens in a culture in which all women also still have to fight for dominion over our bodies and reproductive healthcare decisions. Rapists and molesters go into the voting booth without respect for women or our sovereignty and they vote for representatives who, we are learning, infest every legislative body in this country. And now there's one in the White House.
20
Thank you, Ms. Nyad, for sharing your traumatic experience(s), and for your articulate case for others to share and hold violators accountable.
While many women recently posted MeToo on their social media accounts, I hesitated because I felt it did not fully capture the hall of mirrors that is sexual assault. It spans generations. Not only myself and my peers have been impacted by it, but our mothers, our grandmothers..., and it hurts me to think of how their pain has been silenced over the decades though clearly evident in their expressions. There was no one to listen to or believe them, and the shame and degradation stayed with them throughout their lifetime. Thank you for your honesty and wisdom, as well as for sharing your vulnerability. Wishing you all the best of everything in your 70's!
19
Me too, Diana, me too. I was 11 and he was a middle aged teacher. There was penetration. I came from a poor family and when I told my mother she begged me not to tell anyone. I obeyed. I often wondered what appeal a young, overweight, poorly dressed girl had to him. Why me? I also never spoke of it until recently. All my life, I so wanted a healthy relationship with a man but was never able to have one. I now just live alone. I guess I wish predators could understand the long term damage they inflict on others. I wish there was a way to erase the memory. I wish there was a way to stop this sort of behavior. Of course I know there are fine and decent men in the world who would never do such a thing, but I am so stunned at the sheer number of stories that have emerged in the past few months. I hope that the pain of all these victims stories will result in change. Thank you for telling your story Diana....thank you
29
I am so sorry for the pain you have suffered. I wish you ease, and courage, and joy. I am so sorry. Let us fight for change; let this be the turning point. Sending you courage and healing -
4
Thank you for your kind words...yes, let’s fight for change.
2
Thank you. You're an inspiration to me.
4
#metoo.
Skating coach, 35 years ago.
Thank you for speaking out.
21
Diana Nyad - you are truly amazing.
Your athletic ability is exceeded only by your courage.
Thank you.
7
My high school friend, by her brother in law.
My roommate in college, by her father.
A college friend, during a house burglary.
My sister in law, by her grandfather.
All of these, confirmed abuses. Beyond this, rumors of more. This is my personal knowledge. Every women must have a similar list. Women know how widespread the pestilence of sexual abuse is in our culture. Add all the sexual harassment. It seems there is a true sickness in the culture. These stories are not rare... they are just rarely shared. Thank you, Ms. Nyad, for your courage. I am sharing this with girls in my family and know many others will too. You give a voice to those injured and courage to those who may encounter abusers. You are saving lives and reclaiming your own as well. Thank you many times over.
44
The thing that strikes me about this story is how Ms. Nyad (and many other victims) were cowed into continuous compliance by their assaulters. Having been taught to comply with authority, to be a "good" boy or "good" girl, they seem to have no other response than self-hate and compliance. I think that parents should teach their children that being pushed around by others and/or adults is unacceptable behavior and that they should respond at the very least by telling their parents or another adult. We see the same thing with children being bullied by others. Why is there silence and shame in lieu of a pushback and/or seeking help from others? Ms. Nyad's story is a story of parental/societal failure. We need to teach our children that their self worth is not dependent upon others approval; and, that they should seek help from others -- whether adults or children ---- if they are being bullied in any way. The sexual abuse that Ms. Nyad and others experienced is more about the abuser's desire to inflict physical and emotional assault than sex. He sought to harm her, to demean her, and to control her. And, he succeeded, partially because Ms. Nyad was not taught that her feelings, her very self, were important enough to be defended, protected and preserved against abuse.
6
What a powerful testimony to the destructive impact of childhood sexual abuse. Staying silent doesn’t help anyone, even as it provides a semblance of seemingly comforting anonymity. I believe you, Diana, and marvel at all that you’ve been able to accomplish despite what happened to you as a teenager. Thanks for so eloquently giving voice to your experience so that it might not happen to someone else’s daughter—or son.
7
I have a close friend who has a young son. He plays team sports. She drives him to every practice, game and tournament which takes up an incredible amount of her time. I ask her why. She said she didn't know the other people well enough to trust them with her son even though she'd known some of them for years. At the time I thought that was a bit over the top.
But as all of these horrible stories continue to emerge, I certainly understand now.
Nyad has always been one of my athletic heroes but I was unaware of this abuse. Which is shameful, really, since she's written about it before. Plenty of shame to go around these days. Hopefully no more for the victims.
Thank you for writing this.
21
I still feel the indescribable rage. Myself, I listened very carefully to what horrible guy's e-mail habits were, and how he said his wife got into this certain email account. I sent a cryptic note to that account, she found it, and we were having coffee within a few days. I'll never forget, though, when "horrible guy" got wind of the meeting, he came over and I was told to not let him in and by golly, he still got in and wouldn't leave until I told him I'd lie, which I certainly did not. Haven't heard from him again, thank goodness.
3
Thank you.
It was gripping and awful to read, but these stories have to be told.
It has to stop. We have to protect women from this abuse.
8
What is going on here? We all have attractions and things we want to do, but we know they are immoral and wrong. Yes, I would love to have a Bulgari watch, but I'm not going to go into a store and steal it. Yes, a man may have an attraction to an underaged minor, but where is the self-control and discipline not to act on these impulses? I really cannot believe that it is that difficult to control these evil impulses. Why is this abuse of women so pervasive?
4
Thank you for telling your story. I️ urge you to name the predator that did this to you and other kids. Thank you again.
2
Diana,
Thank you for telling us what happened to you. Best wishes to you the rest of your life.
6
For those who are calling “name the perpetrator”, all I say is: please be careful.
Twenty years ago, I read a chilling story in The Guardian: A registered sex offender moved into a neighborhood and complied with the law by reporting his presence. The other residents decided to greet him with violence and they grabbed him in the street and beat him near death. But… they grabbed the wrong man. A totally innocent individual was sent to the hospital because of a righteously indignant mob.
While I am genuinely appalled by sexual violence and harassment, I am equally chilled by virtuous fury. It seems like I’m waking up to a new story every day about a citizen who decided to take matters into their own hands.
Let’s not add fuel to that fire.
4
I'm outraged at this incident like no other. I knew Ms. Nyad, but not closely. We were both in the same prep school. I knew the coach and the swim program was without peer in the Florida which is saying something. I only stayed in that school for a year. Didn't like like, but that doesn't change my disgust at what happened to her. This column took a lot of guts as well which very much in keeping with a very courageous lady.
7
Let's name the horrifying predators, whether it's Weinstein, Halperin, or anyone else. "Coach" is Jack Nelson. Maybe it's time to remove him from the Swimming Hall of Fame since that honors not only swimming achievements but the quality of the person.
10
Dear Ms. Nyad thank you....
And to add depressing insult to injury, we all should never forget that enough voters were willing to look the other way and vote into our highest office Donald Trump, a man who openly bragged about his days as a sexual predator, proudly telling anyone who would listen of how he used his position of power and celebrity at beauty contests and in his business dealings to exploit vulnerable young women. His use of denigrating names and insults of women who confront him, further reinforces the profile Ms Nyad describes here.
He must be removed from office.
19
I wonder why the Coach was not named here and why he was never prosecuted. Is it possible to sue him now (even if he is dead)?
5
statute of limitations bars suit,even again the estate.
1
Jack Nelson. Here's his NY Times obituary, which mentions the charges: https://goo.gl/DrSrcK
1
Growing up, being molested by old guys your father's age was just a common occurrence, much mocked and recognized by my various female peer groups. Wolf whistles at constructions sites were the norm as were unwanted advances: the hand on the knee, arm around the torso that allowed a grope of the breast, rude comments. All that escalated when I entered the business world in my '20s...there the young women played regular dodge ball with old married guys with pot bellies who'd ply us with wine at receptions, and come in for the kiss/grope and sometimes full-on sex kill. We scoffed at them, but were also intimidated and knew we had to stick handle such situations carefully or risk our jobs and careers. I have plenty of direct stories myself, some traumatizing, and know of many, many more involving friends. Now, my daughter and her pals, young in business, are collecting their own. Hopefully, the "me too" movement will at the very least give pause to some of these lechers.
23
Every child should be read the book My Body Is Private by L. Walvoord Girard. They will learn that they can say "no" to touch that makes them uncomfortable.
5
That would help, but it’s not that simple. Power dynamics make “no” less effective than one would wish sometimes.
5
I'm male and a little older than you, Ms Nyah. I'm very sorry this happened to you ... and to many others. I am grateful for your courage to tell publically that which happened to you, as vile as that was ... which I strongly believe will do good, including for you personally, because the truth works like that. To tell and then "forgive and forget?" No! Rather, to persist in a cause that refuses to be ignored for the sake of justice; and in that, celebrate yourself in the wholeness and goodness and grace of your life.
228
This left me sobbing. The experience, which happened but differently for me, is so, so familiar and present. I ache for the healing.
I'm sure Ms. Nyad knows the work of Ellen Bass. Here is
Ellen Bass's poem, "The Thing Is":
The thing is
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, "How can a body withstand this?"
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.
Thank you, Ellen Bass and Diane Nyad.
9
We still have a long way to go. Women's voices are not respected. Just look at the comments - even on the subject of sexual assault, none of the top "readers' picks" comments are by women.
politicsbyeccehomo.wordpress.com
12
thank you for writing this. your writing is beautiful and you expressed exactly why i have not been able to shut up for 3 decades about what my 4 siblings and i suffered at my father's hands. it wasn't sexual, but it was abuse and silencing and the shredding of our souls.
i am so sorry for what happened to you.
17
Thank you for sharing your story.
6
Thank you Ms Nyad and The Times for sharing this powerful truth. I am heartened to see so many supportive responses.
4
i just read the obituary from 11/10/2014 @ JACK NELSON's death @ 82 from alzheimers disease. diana nyad is mentioned as accusing him of molestation in the beginning of the piece. it is nonchalantly written as just a little blip in his "accomplished" life. although diana has the character to not name her "Coach", i do believe his name should be erased from all awards and recognition. i am so sorry for any pain this horrible monster placed on the many, many young girls who knew him and were viciously abused by him.
44
Thank you for telling us his name. I don't think his memory should be left untainted by the crimes he committed.
6
What an awful story and no one should ever have to go through that. I wish she would have named her accuser in the story. I am sure she doesn't want his family to suffer but other animals like him should know that even death will not protect them.
4
Animals don't molest children. Humans do.
6
Good point!
"Tell your story. Let us never again be silenced."
Amen, amen, amen.
18
Ms Nyad, I wish you named your abuser. Why is his name kept silent? We should bear witness to this monster. I want to know his name. He is wicked, and I want to loathe him. That he is dead doesn't matter. His crimes don't die. Please provide his name.
6
Name him. Even though he is dead, it should be part of his story. For those who say it would shame his family who were innocent. They would have been shamed if he had been charged with rape while he was alive.
15
I can't tell my story. I'm terrified he'll see it.
52
Then tell a friend. Start where you can. Sending love and strength to you.
3
Hi Johnathan. I have done, and it's been one of the most healing decisions I've ever made. I've overcome a lot of the burden of trauma. But fear is the one from which I've never been able to set myself free--and that's frustrating. I want to shout it to the world. I feel like I'm keeping the secret for him, and I hate that.
3
Kayla - Thank you for choosing to share this difficult aspect of your personal life in this forum.
2
All I can say is finally! Women are coming forward and being heard. The molesters should have to do the perp walk on the front page of every newspaper. Only then might things change. These folks are disgusting and they are everywhere.
17
Thank you.
7
As per this story, Jack Nelson was the rapist.
https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/11/sports/jack-nelson-swimmings-version-...
14
I feel for what the writer has gone through....I really do and I in no way condone what the Coaches action by saying this & perhaps the 60's was a differn't time and generation...but who goes and takes a nap at night at the house of the Coach. Were were the guys parent. Looking back at my childhood I would never of done that.
1
Cmon man
1
Victim blaming, especially of a young teenager, has no place here anymore.
7
Victim blaming 101.
The responsibility for this devastatingly sad and shocking string of encounters between the coach and these women is 100% on the perpetrator- not on the girls he targeted, not on their parents, who no doubt trusted this creep, as his victims did before they found out what he really was - a monster.
9
This, more than any other testimony on this subject that I've read, brought real tears to my eyes. All these stories are so painful, but this hit me hard. I just wonder why "Coach" deserves the dignity of privacy?
4
Diana:
I was in your class at Pine Crest, '68, and on the swimming team.
You were an inspiration then, since and now.
For what it's worth, I believe you.
Tell your story!
32
Thank you for sharing your story -- eloquently written and necessary to be said.
3
oh my god! this is a really sad story. I feel for you Diana and i worry about my daughters. I have been teaching them that these kinds of acts are not normal and they should speak up whenever they encounter it.
6
Keep up the beat on this. We have a chance to make progress now. I fear for the safety of my granddaughters.
8
Stunning! What an incredibly moving and powerful essay. I was riveted from beginning to end. Thank you for adding your voice to the chorus of voices that have brought so much darkness into the light. It’s way past time that our stories are heard and that we are taken seriously when we say that we have been hurt and wronged.
6
Thank you for such an amazing account. And thank you for the courage you've displayed in the aftermath and in retelling.
I, too, "with 70 in sight" wonder if that little boy will ever find complete healing from the four perpetrators.
3
Perhaps the saddest thing is, none of us survivors, women assaulted typically - though not invariably - as adults by men, men assaulted typically - though also not invariably - as boys by women, will recover. We become someone different from whom we might have been. We can see that person, who we might have been, distantly, through haze, but he's (in my case) not me; like a badly broken limb that doesn't heal correctly, we are different.
Therein lies both an opportunity and a risk. The opportunity is this: that person we might have been, who was never assaulted, never broken, might not have been a better person, might not, for example, have the same nuanced sense of power and relationship that we have. They might have been arrogant, or brittle, or uncaring, in ways we are not.
The risk is this: that we fail to navigate safely between the Scylla of becoming obsessed with our injury and the Charybdis of denying it. It becomes a permanent and significant part of us, but it is only a part.
5
What a powerful and very sad tale.
3
Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. I have a little girl and I always tell her to speak up. It is people like you that fuel the strength of future generations.
2
Thank you. Your strength is inspiring. I hear you.
3
Diana, if you see this, thank you so much for sharing your story. You are a strong, amazing woman and your story (and all of these stories) are heartbreaking. I must also say "me too." I was sexually molested multiple times by two older boys (and one young man around 20) as a young virgin -- ages 12, 13, 16 -- and never spoke a word. My 20-something son asked me the other day -- why are all these people coming forward... are they making this up? That's when I shared my 3 stories. And then he understood.
13
A close relative is a parole officer who supervises sex offenders, a high-risk population. It, sadly, would not surprise a parole officer that people with community esteem and acclaim commit such criminal acts. Many of them choose their occupations to comport with their criminal tendencies, occupations which provide them access to children and cover stories for the amounts of time spent alone or in otherwise suspicious situations with them. It is a form of grooming a la Sandusky, and when teams are winning and kids are bringing home medals, the skunks are shooed from the garden party. It is not only these offenders who minimize their actions: Entire communities are often ready to look the other way until some brave victim or witness speaks out. Even then, they are often not believed...sometimes not even after conviction.
8
I have a million things to say after reading this fine essay, but I am too moved and enraged to organize my thoughts. Where I lost it was at this: “That wounded young person inside believes, on some cellular level, that these words sum up exactly who I am at the core.” Exactly.
Me, too, Ms. Nyad.
8
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope all adults reading this realize that it is our responsibility to listen and accept assault disclosures. That is our job. We should offer all options of recourse, and support survivors in their decisions. Survivors weren't allowed any options when assaulted, and we can't undo an assault. We can help offer safety and choice, and hopefully agency, to survivors. Let's work together to do just that.
6
Thank you! Thank you. Thank you.
We need to keep sharing our stories.
It will save lives.
7
Heartbreaking story. Stunning writing.
6
I think the fundamental problem is testosterone and the effect it has on the minds and behaviors of men. These appalling effects are evident through out recorded history. For men everywhere, it is part of the human condition. Evolution and natural selection made us this way. All men must ask themselves: Who is in charge of me? My sense of self or my hormones? The only solution, I believe, is for men to take charge of their aggressive tendencies and proclivities to dominate and abuse women.
In every high school, there should be a course on testosterone, on all the ways it distorts a man's thinking, even the thinking of high school boys. Boys from competing schools often brawl after football games and joke about their exploits in getting their way with girls. Colleges across the country should take up the cause of testosterone education and mastering the devastating effects. The culture needs to rise up and call a spade a spade when it comes to male aggression and dominance. Testosterone is part of our nature. But again, is it in charge of us or are we in charge of it? That's the most fundamental issue, in my mind.
24
Testosterone? If that were the case, one could predict who would be at risk of becoming a sex offender by common blood tests. But it appears there is no correlation to hormone levels and this type of heinous crime. We could take your theory a step further, and blame progesterone for female infidelity, or oxytocin for someone giving a more-than friendly hug. Oh, if it were just that simple, society could simply castrate men with abnormal hormone levels, and all would be well.....
5
You paint with too broad a brush, and with a deeply flawed premise. Testosterone may influence the physical development and muscle mass, and male characteristics, but it does not turn all males into felons who must be excluded from the presence of kids and teenagers.
It is not just romance novels or romantic film comedies giving us a message that heterosexual women often prefer the "bad boy" rebel to the bookish wallflower. Life tells us that women want the male partner who respects them and boundaries while at the same time being unmistakably male. The strength of character, comfortable in their own skin, and a complimentary being to them fits the bill. In the days when Europe allowed "castrati" singers very few women would prefer one to an intact male subject to testosterone.
1
I tend to agree. It's not testosterone alone, but it combines with other social, cultural, and behavioral tendencies. Men also are the overwhelming perpetrators of violence, primarily against other men. There is a good reason why livestock managers geld intact males of many species--it results in a more docile and useful working animal or meat animal. We should not forget that people are animals, too, and as such society is supposed to provide a model for appropriate behavior and discourage--or punish, if necessary--that which is not.
3
You need to name the perpetrator.
29
Yes, you need to name this person who attacked and harmed you. His "legacy" needs to include this whole truth. Name him please.
1
Jack Nelson.
1
The pereptrator is named Jack Nelson, according to another comment.
2
"In 2013, on her fifth attempt and at age 64, she became the first person confirmed to swim from Cuba to Florida without the aid of a shark cage"
Obviously Ms. Nyad only was in real danger when living on dry soil. An eye opener report about sickening sexual maneuvers by coaches against gifted young women.
22
It is appalling that the principal admitted "...that he had had suspicions, even reports from witnesses over the years, but that he had never caught him in the act..." This is an excuse of enablers to this day - they discount the words of victims and witnesses who usually have less power and hide behind the excuse that they haven't actually seen anything themselves.
Thank you, Ms. Nyad for speaking out.
62
I agree with your comment. But it's more than mere discounting, it is inconvenient for this bureaucrat to exert himself to do the correct thing. This principal wanted to sweep this under the rug --- asking the victims whether they wanted to prosecute (the subtext obviously being that he didn't want the case prosecuted) and letting this man be hired by another school district. He is complicit in this man's acts because he didn't deal with the problem (if he suspected it, he should have confronted him and assigned an assistant coach with the provision that the girls were never to be alone without a chaperone). He is complicit because he implicitly discouraged prosecution of the abuser and he permitted another school district to hire this man.
4
Additionally, by asking the girls what they wanted done, it absolved him, in his mind, of having to contact the authorities. Was this before mandated reporting became law?
1
Did the principal need to catch him in the act or is that just an excuse to avoid doing something uncomfortable? This principal could have been a hero, instead he is a failure.
2
The thing that gives me the most hope in the face of this heinous abuse: the fact that many men have read this story and are relaying their horror and their support for the author in their comments. This isn't just women's problem. This is a "people problem". Women can't do stop this alone; we need men who will speak up and show through their actions and words that violence in any of its forms won't be tolerated against girls and women.
436
It is indeed a "people problem" and people need to speak out, as they have here, and act in ways that repudiates this violence against other people, no matter what their orientation or age.
3
My the Almighty give strength and conviction to parents to never leave their children unattended under the mentorship of coaches and other people in positions of power.
13
no. may society and the community have the strength and conviction to never allow this abuse to happen.
2
That is not going to work - thoughts and prayers. Changing the culture of testosterone-fueled entitlement is going to be necessary.
3
Girls (and boys) should be chaperoned. It protects both children and potential abusers from indecent behavior. Good gynecologists have a nurse in the room during examinations. There is a reason for this. It protects both doctor and patient.
2
We need to speak out and NAME these abusers.
29
thank you.
12
I will never understand how people in authority cover up for all "the coach's".
8
I just tried to send a message to this "hall of fame" organization to remove Nelson from the hall of fame as a rapist and pedophile. Didn't go through "server error"
21
Just this month there was a coach-on-young-athlete event in my community. Alert school people and parents caught the grooming emails. Speak, Diana Nyad, speak!
22
It is no small measure of Diana Nyad's high class as a person that she does not mention the name of her assailant here. It's easily discoverable by searching for "diana nyad swimming coach died 2014".
May she and every victim of sexual assault find the healing that is their due in this life.
19
And to think we have elected a president who brags about his demeaning exploits with women. Maybe it was just "locker room" talk and even if it was just talk, who knows what transpired to cause him to verbalize such actions.
33
Thank you.
12
Ms. Nyad--and what courage she obviously has--made these statements about her former coach, Jack Nelson, in 2014 in a story published by The New Yorker. Nothing has been done, and Nelson is still in the International Swimming Hall of Fame.
Outrageous beyond words. If anyone ever wonders why women don't come forward, remember this. Even when Diana Nyad summoned the courage to speak the truth, nothing happened to the monster who raped her. They didn't even take his bust out of the hall of fame. We care more about sports than children in this country. A college football coach rapes boys in the shower room and nothing is done. When the truth finally comes out and the cover-up ends, nothing of consequence is done to an institution that allowed it to happen. The games go on and the cheerleaders cheer and media breathlessly reports on the team's chance to win a championship. What, in God's name, must the victims be thinking? I can only imagine.
125
Awesome woman.
14
As a former longtime competitive swimmer, I have noticed too many newspaper articles, hidden away on inside pages, about coaching departures and dismissals, without explanation. One of my own coaches took his life after being accused of pedophilia. It's clear that swimming has a problem. It's not the only sport. But it definitely has a problem. Step one: no vows of silence; stand up to lawyers; shine a bright light; go to a reputable journalist if you need to. Step two: make your team and league policy zero tolerance and vow to keep all stakeholders openly informed. Step three: educate coaches and swimmers relentlessly. Step four: repeat steps 1-3.
21
Step 5. Chaperones. Chaperones. Chaperones. Make sure that both coach and swimmer are protected ----- coaches from their impulses and swimmers from assault.
1
Thank you Diana. We need to throw our best selves at pedophiles, abusers. Society has been turning a blind eye for centuries. Protecting children is a big part of being an adult. Individually and collectively.
17
I was 9 when I was repeatedly molested by a neighbor. It changed me. Over the years, as an adult, I called the police to check if this guy was on anyone's radar. Then, periodically I would Google his name. Last year after 50 years, an article showed up, he'd been arrested in a small town close to where I had lived and was making a case for parole, because it was his first offense. I called the police and gave a statement, I wrote to the judge, I wondered what had happened to all my prior statements and how many other little girls he had harmed over the years. To this day, when I bring this up in my family, people look at the floor as if to say 'just shut up already', I'm sure they feel guilty in a way, because they didn't protect me. I am proud of the women who are now speaking out. I am sorry the rest of you want to look at the floor, because it didn't happen to you and I hope every one of these men get their just desserts. In my case, the judge denied paroled and tacked on 5 years.
1124
Your story is well worth sharing. Perhaps more people will do this. Bravo to you!
6
Proud of you, finding the courage to speak out and make statements. To any others, go to the media and your state Senator or House member if the police or justice system ignore you.
6
Brava...
6
Please name him. Don't let him hide behind 'Coach'. He was a sexual predator.
11
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Nelson_(swimmer)
2
Wow. Thank you.
7
Thank you for your courageous story. Your coach and all predators who use others, especially children, for their own gratification are the lowest of scum. It can perhaps be explained but never ever excused or forgiven. I wish you had named him. No doubt there are many many other children he harmed. At the end of the day, there will always be these criminals. The institutions and leaders who allow them license to abuse are just as culpable. Pedophiles go where the children are, and they find their way into sports, into scouting, into churches, into day cares, and any place where trusting parents place their children. I brought civil lawsuits against many pedophiles and the institutions that enabled them. We had a saying in our office that we never met a pedophile we didn't like. That is how they do their work, and they are patient, grooming their victims, getting their trust, and then scaring them into keeping the secret. My heart goes out to you.
13
This took so much courage to write. A very hard read but an important one. I am so sorry this happened to Ms. Nyad, but I am deeply grateful to her for sharing it, and to all who are sharing their stories. To know you are not the "only one" brings an odd mixture of relief and comfort, though the wounds remain. #MeToo
16
I've been a huge admirer of yours for decades, Ms. Nyad, but now even more. Thank you, thank you for telling your story.
17
I wish Ms. Nyad named the coach. He was allowed to remain whole, intact and honored while countless numbers of the athletes he trained live in shame. Every woman who speaks up helps the rest of us feel more secure that we will not be shamed again for telling our story. We need to say our name out loud and shout the name(s) of our assaulter(s) even louder.
13
As profoundly moving as Diana's words are, please do not forget that there are also many men who also suffer in silence, as survivors, because of sexual abuse and harassment in their lives. That silence seems even more magnified by gender and assumed roles of the male in society.
And, as Diana articulates, it's something that stays with you for the rest of your life.
Somehow, I'm quite certain that she would understand the shared pain and lifelong damage wrought by sexual predators. It's almost as if you, as a survivor, are forced to join a club you absolutely want nothing to do with. And, largely, you are compelled, one way or another, to keep quiet about it.
I find great comfort and encouragement in her simple, honest and powerful words.
14
Thank you, Ms Nyad. I hope that courageous women like you continue tell their stories. And I hope that these stories will inspire girls and women to speak up sooner about sexual assault and other inappropriate sexual behavior. As a man, Nancy’s husband, I would like to think these episodes were less common than they obviously are. As it is, our societal state of denial is terrifyingly powerful. We should be outraged, but not shocked.
After reading your column I looked up violence against women on the internet. Among many resources, I came across a “History of Battered Women’s Movement,” published by the California Department of Health Services. It chronicals a sad tale of violence towards women that is worldwide in scope and shockingly persistent into the modern era. I was particularly struck by a passage that described psychoanalysis in the 1930’s promulgating the view (or malignant myth) that “normal” women get sexual gratification from the violence they experience.
In my remeberance, that myth was still very influential in the 1950’s, when I was a child, and though I am relieved to report that it did not lead me to violence, I am sad to say that a more polite version, which substituted domination and control for violence, shaped my early thinking about sexuality. I’ve worked hard at unlearning it.
In a society where malignant myths about sexuality persist beyond all reason, women like you coming forward to remind us of the plainly evident truth gives me hope.
12
What a horrifying story. It can't have been easy to share, but thank you for having the courage to share it (even if you've shared it before - I can't imagine that it ever becomes easy).
A common thread emerges from all - all - of these stories: the perpetrator never has just one victim. He keeps his victims silent so each one will think she (or he) is alone. If you can muster the courage to speak up now, you can be pretty sure that (a) you will find that you are NOT alone, and (b) you will probably save others from being assaulted by the same predator.
For your sake and everyone else's, please don't wait years or decades to speak out. Know that what happened to you is wrong and NOT YOUR FAULT, and you are not the only one. Call out predatory behavior for what it is. Please. Good men can't support you if they don't know what's going on, and the men who want to dismiss accusations feel confident in their dismissals because they think this kind of thing almost never "really" happens. Thank you.
3
An amazing story. Thank you Diana.
One general observation: most stories seem to focus on the sexual part of "sexual assault" and "sexual harassment". The cornering of the prey, the lurid details, the excuses, the repeat behavior.
We need to start focusing on the assault and harassment part. Men do these things not only because they can, but also because they are trying (and often succeeding) in exerting power over their victims, in silencing them, in showing them "who's boss", in driving them out of the male bastions of power. Sexual assault and sexual harassment are Assault and Harassment, plain and simple. These men who do these things are bullies and criminals.
14
I had to force myself to read this. I literally can feel the anger, pain, and humiliation from a world-class athlete still suffering from the trauma and degradation of sexual abuse. It's shameful that so many women have had to experience this and through non-disclosure agreements know the the sexual predator has moved on to others. As a man, I have seen this up close. My wife and I were able to get just such a predator removed from our faculty, but, with a non-disclosure agreement negotiated with the university, he was allowed to return to his clinical practice allowing him to prey on very vulnerable patients. My wife and I felt the guilt and powerlessness and shame that Ms. Nyad has and is suffering in knowing that a predator was still at large. I hope revelations like Ms. Nyad's and the heroic work of Gretchen Carlson will lead to an end of this practice that allows such predators not only to escape criminal punishment, but to continue their assaults on other unsuspecting women under their power.
7
Courageous article. Courageous woman. The one thing missing? The perpetrator's name. If these criminals (what else would you call them?) know going forward that their deeds will become a true "scarlet letter" branded on their forehead they might think twice about the prospects of getting away with their monstrous behavior. It also serves as an object lesson for others similarly tempted to a life of abuse.
Not only do these sociopaths inflict pain, they inflict scars and serious lasting damage as Ms. Nyad's testimony ably establishes. It is hard to erase scars of that sort. I think that reciprocal shame is the very least that's called for. It also serves as a very public warning to future, potential victims and their parents.
How many young women will accept an invitation from Harvey Weinstein to meet alone in his hotel room going forward? Not many, I would guess. This is thanks to the naming of names by Ashley Judd and others. Let the roll call begin. Contrary to the self-serving claims of the perpetrators this is not a "witch-hunt". It's justice.
This is also not a matter of prurient interest or titillation. It's a matter of setting the record straight. The exercise of justice, after all, has a very practical dimension. It's the central weapon in combatting... injustice.
9
When I was 8 years old a family friend raped me. It happened several times. I went from being a A student to one who could barely finish homework. I went from being what 8 year-old should be, innocent and safe, to being always terrified. I went from lively to to being ghost-like. Years later, my mother would tell me that she had known; I suppose that's why it eventually stopped. But my parents didn't know how to talk about this with me. I was silent because I didn't know how to talk about it with them. Years later, my mother told me why she hadn't gone to the police: When she was a girl her best friend was raped. She and her mother went to the police. And were not believed. Somehow the story of their "lie" at the police station went round the community and they were shunned. My mother's friend tried to kill herself. And so when it happened to her daughter, she didn't know where she could turn for help. As you say - silence compounds the harm. Silence makes the wound fester and grow more foul. Silence teaches us that we ourselves are foul, deserving of what happened to our bodies. Thank you, Ms. Nyad for raising your voice.
106
So sorry this happened to you.
Tell the name of that "family friend."
3
I never knew! I wanted to swim like you, Ms Nyad. How could a man do such things? How could the swimming world give him a promotion and a raise?
I read this and I just want to get in the water and never come out again. FWIW you are my hero.
5
Good lord, your article gave me the chills. I am so sorry that happened to you, and to anyone. As a man it's hard to find words, so just let me say this: if I ever have a suspicion or a wonder, I will confront.
The only way to move forward is ZERO TOLERANCE. Zero tolerance for casual sexism, zero tolerance for Trump-style bathroom talk, zero tolerance for any aggressive behavior, zero tolerance for "boys will be boys," zero tolerance.
Men complaint that judging people solely by accusations is unfair, but to them I say: mind yourself. If you're afraid of bogus accusations, then you need to modulate your behavior such that no woman could have an basis on which to accuse you. That's how you're SUPPOSED TO ACT.
13
I think this coaches' name should be shared. Even though he is dead.
8
Ms. Nyad-
Thank you for telling your story. I am sorry for all that you went through. What keeps rolling around in my mind are the stories of numerous friends who were date or otherwise raped. At some point in my 30's I lost count but I clearly remember the stories. When my beautiful daughter was in her early teens I started instructing her about her personal safety, about Rohypnol & about how to be safe(r) in college. I am hoping that the current groundswell of stories emerging will help change our culture to one where we don't have to warn our daughters so fervently, but unfortunately the college and other stories are still numerous and constant. Be well, Ms. Nyad.
2
Thank you for this. On behalf of so many silent victims who will never become public.
I have been a “witness” to many of these crimes. For many of my patients. Yes, to hear the story and to help the person is to become a “witness” - and to bear that person’s pain as you work to help them emerge from the prison of silence.
Pray for the victims. Pray for their therapists.
2
As this story at the Guardian about former child actor Corey Feldman illustrates, the sickness at the root of Ms. Nyad's heart wrenching (but also all too familiar) story is more pervasive than anyone in polite company is yet willing to acknowledge:
https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/nov/09/la-police-investigating-hol...
1
Thank you so much, Diana, for sharing your story. #MeToo, by my high school and college track coaches. You gave me the courage to finally speak up.
3
I applaud Ms. Nyad for sharing her story over the years. I, too, wish she had named her abuser in this article and every time she tells her story. He should not ever be nameless. As usual, he had many victims in addition to Ms. Nyad. And what are the powers-that-be doing to revoke the honors he has been given as an "outstanding" coach?
8
For me, it was my father AND my mother. And I got my life back with the help of a very wonderful male therapist. In a support group I once went to there were other women who had been molested by their mothers. (Remember the book "Sybil"?) Let's not wait another century for their pain to be recognized. Psychotics can be either gender.
7
Sadly, my experience has taught me that sexual abuse IS a lifelong imprint. Like most things, this is a double-edged sword. For years after my childhood abuse, I was constrained by the definition an abuser had used to define me. I wondered who I would have been and what I would have done if my life had resembled that of my peers, whose parents had to defined them as individuals reaching for stars. During my years of abuse by my stepfather, I used to fall asleep planning how I would slip into his room and stab him, but some dim but pressing realization of the outside world made me realize that, instead of freedom, this would only lead me into the juvenile justice system. Indeed, my stepfather used to threaten to "have me thrown into reformatory," and in the 1960s, I still believe he could've done that. So I endured what I felt I could not change. The world is different now, of course. Children have recourse. They are, in many ways, more free to speak. But speaking won't save them from a shattered family or years of being placed in foster homes, where they are forced to grow up without the emotional bonds they need to feel secure and to develop. Now in my 60s, with my abuser long dead, I still believe I made the most prudent choice, but I paid a dear price for it. We as a society need to understand that abuse situations are a lose/lose situation for young people. We need to find better ways to help them extricate themselves from situations clearly marked "no exit."
29
Being within 4 years of your age, and having survived physical and psychological abuse as a child, I wept reading your article. We are imprinted as children with the external assessments of our closest caretakers, whether they loved us or loathed us. That demon lives inside; however we seem to only allow it to express when we are stressed out or at a ragged edge. Even then, it's possible to understand that voice is not ours, but a distorted, external, inaccurate, rant of a sick person once in our lives (easier said than done in the moment). What it says of course is not true. Our real internal voices want to care and protect us, if we will only listen. Some call it intuition, some listen some don't.
I am so sorry you are still dealing with demons from your early adolescence. I understand to the extent I hear my own voices at 64. The damage our parents and society do to us as children affect our confidence, and subsequently, our choices to risk, and eventually suppresses our potential as we age. At least you have made a life worth admiration through all the controversy. Many of us continue to feel unexpressed, unfulfilled as aging adults. I've lived a full life, but I know those choice points where a more supported and confident individual would have made a different choice.
3
The word hero is tossed around casually these days but let there be no doubt that with this article Diana you are a real hero. Bravo and thank you.
Hopefully your burden became a little lighter today.
6
Thank you for sharing your experience. Thanks also to others who have had the courage to come forward about their experiences. Please try to not take blame for not exposing this coach when you first went to the school with your story. The real blame should be squarely on those in the school administration who left the decision on whether to proceed on a young victim. THEY allowed this individual to move on to harm other children. We all have too long enabled these people to continue to abuse others. The blame is on all of us and we all need to work to stop predators such as these.
2
I've admired you and your accomplishments for many years. That you've succeeded even with this terrible back story elevates you even higher.
Thanks for telling this.
3
Thank you Diana, this piece is beautifully and powerfully written.
Rather than self-defense classes, perhaps we should be talking about mandatory classes for males on how to control and manage their sexual urges. And mandatory classes on male/female power dynamics and how to talk about them.
Misogyny is alive and well, hiding in plain sight every day. Countless women live through each day with the internal struggle that you so eloquently describe. It is amazing that we get out of bed each day and try to contribute to our society and families. And yet so many men view us as the weaker sex! Each story matters, each telling of the story matters.
Thank you Diana, and many blessing to you.
1
This is such a brave and powerful story; thank you so much for writing it. As I was reading, I pondered--once again--how much this monster's family knew about his assaults. What about his wife? She had to know something was up, yet chose to keep silent. What about his own children and the possibility he molested them as well? It's only through public "outing" of such behavior that (fingers strongly crossed), that these predators can be brought to justice.
2
Wow. A courageous, forthright, unblemished account. Required reading to feel that pain.
Writing such as this is why I subscribe to The Times.
Thank you, Ms Nyad.
2
I'm sorry Diana didn't name names while the predator was still coaching and probably doing the same thing to other girls -- although I understand the personal and legal difficulties of that. It's a tragedy he was able to keep his place in the swimming world while preying on young women. My wife was a lifeguard in her teens and had an older boss who was always trying to entice her with offers of pot, booze and a better job. That was just old-fashioned harassment that she had the good sense to walk away from. Nyad suffered attempted rapes. The man should have been arrested and punished.
3
The number of young women abused by men of power is frightening. And the stories come out years later, having created havoc in young women's lives. I remember being told as a 7th grader not to be "alone" with the high school counselor, but I had absolutely no idea what that meant. But as adult women, we shared those experiences, only to find out that after being "let go with a good reference", he was now continuing as a high school counselor in another school. We discussed if there was anything we could or should do 20 years later, but decided that we all were still too vulnerable, we didn't know if he was still molesting girls, and we didn't know if anyone would believe us. The "MeToo" campaign would have made a difference. He's dead now.
4
Ms. Nyad,
My sisters and I have always admired your courage and tenacity as an athlete, and now our respect for you is measureless. You are incredibly brave and fierce to tell this story, and he is beneath contempt.
Me too! I am crying as I read your essay. I am 74. It started when I was too young to know what it was. Old men fondling me at family parties, movie theaters, church... Then at my work in restaurants as a teenager, being chased, touched, fooled by ruses. The university was the worst because I was poor and afraid to lose my job or scholarships. It never quite amounted to rape until then. What did I owe the dean? Was it my fault? I never wore revealing clothes, I kept covered up, I never flirted, I was referred to as earnest, I was a hard-working A student. The last was the man in charge of my NIMH grant. Then I married and it stopped because I felt stronger and not as scared.
Like Diana I am seen as a great success, a happy easy-going person. I am that. Yet reading each "Me too" I feel not rage but sadness that I told no one, did not know how to stop those men, and for some unknown reason acquiesced to my own debasement. I found out when my mother was in her late 80's that it had happened to her. She cried that she had not told me what happened to girls. It is/was a secret held by mothers and daughters through generations. Will it finally stop? Will mothers and fathers and teachers warn their children now?
5
Thank you, Diana, for telling your story. As the mother of a daughter, now grown, it pains me to hear stories like yours. You were an innocent child and he was a monster. The only way for this to stop is by brave women, like yourself, telling your stories. Though I was not molested, I certainly had many brushes with it, including a loving relative who got a little too close at times. I'm so grateful to you for speaking up and wish you all the praise you deserve for doing so. Take care. You have already made such a difference in the lives of young girls by telling your story.
2
Bravo to the NY Times for pursuing this issue. Excellent op ed piece. Thank you to the author!
2
Jack Nelson was the swim COACH at the Pine Crest school in South Florida in the 1960s, when he helped the young Nyad win state championships in the backstroke. It was later, when she was in her 20s, according to The Broward/Palm Beach New Times, that Nyad and another swimmer first accused Nelson of sexual misconduct, taking their charges to the Pine Crest headmaster, William McMillan. Nelson denied the accusations but left the school soon after.
Nyad has repeated the charges throughout the years, including once on a television talk show in 1989 and, long after the statute of limitations for bringing charges had passed, in statements to the police in 2007. Nelson always maintained that Nyad’s charges were baseless.
He was named "Man of the Year" by the Fort Lauderdale Chamber of Commerce in 1993.
SHAME on Pine Crest, and SHAME on the Fort Lauderdale Chamber of Commerce. You are COMPLICIT in these crimes.
10
Thank you Thank you Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am deeply appreciative to all who come forward with their stories of sexual abuse - those who have been shamed into silence through fear and hate. May we all feel free to share our stories! The more we do, the freer we become!
2
Thank you for sharing this, Diana.
I'm starting to believe that there isn't a man or woman alive who wasn't molested in some way by a trusted adult.
To survive and move on from that type of betrayal is not easy, and being able to trust anyone again becomes difficult.
If I trust and love you, then you will betray me.
How does a person break out of that?
3
Still, covering for the coach by not naming him? There must be an explanation, but really. He was awful and should be outed.
Thank you for this. Your courage is inspiring.
I have no idea what we can do to change the men who think it's OK to do these things. But I think we need to keep telling young people, loud and clear, that their abusers are the worthless ones. Their abusers should be ashamed and fearful and humiliated.
Let's make sure the message gets out that victims of rape and molestation and abuse have a right to rage, a right to seek justice, a right to be uplifted by society. Let shame and secrecy become the domain of the criminal, not the victim.
This story made me cry.
Diana Nyad, thank you for having the courage to share this terrible personal story... one that resonates painfully with the experience + scarred lives of so many people.
A shocking number of vicious sexual predators -- many of them once widely trusted + respected -- seem to be working from the uncannily same playbook.
ps: this brings to mind Jerry Sandusky... and others, both well known and obscure. I am wondering if there were legal issues that prevented Ms. Nyad from naming the coach in this article?
2
Thank you for sharing, but in particular, sharing the ways in which this has affected you for decades. My sense is that a lot of people don't understand just how insidious sexual abuse is - how it often feels as though it is there, lurking in every dark corner, impacting every single part of your life and your being every single day. Not even the very mundane act of carrying groceries into your house is free from its shadow. At least, this is how I've experienced it... I'm 24 now and terrified every day that what happened to me as an 18-20 year old will never, ever go away.
4
Very moving. But she should have used his NAME.
I heard you tell this story in person Diana, and it's even more powerful reading it again.
You were a victim of a monster. You did nothing wrong and should have no shame.
Now, please tell us the monster's name. So his family and friends and community will know. So the accolades can be withdrawn. So justice can be done.
2
I am so sorry and sad that you had to endure this. Your bravery and that of the other women (and men) who are now finding the courage to speak out will help ensure that these sexual assaults will not be as easy to hide in the future. Opening the curtains and revealing this societal plague is the best remedy.
1
Your bravery and your ability to survive awe me. Absolutely awed in the midst of the fury I feel against your attacker, and all of our attackers. The tide is changing.
Thank you, Ms. Nyad, for your courage in sharing this painful experience. This will help ease the pain of other innocent victims.
Sexual abusers of children should have their names and faces plastered all over the media; public shame and scorn could deter some pedophiles.
I also wish some kind of technology could be found to make children safer; like the press of a button or a single spoken word could alert police and parents and record (at least audio) everything nearby.
There is no higher priority than keeping children safe from all sexual and physical abuse. Let's never 'throw in the towel' on finding ways to do this.
1
I am almost 75 and am ashamed to be a white privileged male with what I have observed other males have done to women over many years. I hope that women will take the reins from males as we as a group have not been good stewards on this planet for many thousands of years. This is one of those moments that I hope will be real change.
3
About twenty years ago, I was attacked by a group of men on a beach in San Francisco. Because we were on a beach, and it was dark, I didn't hear them coming. A beer bottle was shattered over my head, giving me a concussion, and, I suspect, some degree of CTE. I was instantly knocked cold. They also tried to break my ribs, by kicking me in the side while I was unconscious. Although I was covered in bruises, they didn't actually break anything. They also stole my wallet, and left me lying face-down in the sand about ten feet from the waterline. If they had moved me fifteen feet further down, I would be dead. I was unconscious for about twenty minutes, and regained consciousness in the front seat of someone's car with blood pouring down my face.
When I tried to file a police report, they just laughed. Nobody -- nobody at all -- was concerned for my well-being. The only issue anyone had on their minds was how quickly I'd be able to return to work. Whenever I tell anyone this anecdote, they see it as, basically, a funny story. Why?
Because I'm male.
2
This article should make clear why the defense of "just locker room talk" is totally unacceptable. We, men particularly, have a responsibility to do everything we can NOT to create a culture where the notion of genital assault gets a pass. Publicly discussing the sexual allure of one's own daughter - in one's own eyes, no less - is equally reprehensible and worthy of active public condemnation.
6
I teared up reading Diana's account of sexual abuse. I was molested by my own uncle, a Navy officer, in 1964 when I was only five years old. To this day, my own mother has a difficult time believing that this ever happened -- even though, as a young child, her stepfather abused her for years.
4
Ms. Nyad's story took the breathe right out of me just reading it.
How this man's actions destroyed a young person's innocent soul is the greatest crime. Even after his death it still prevails. Child abusers are repugnant and should NEVER be trusted, ever. Once a rapist always a rapist. Believe it.
Thank you for sharing this life experience. It is beyond brave. Many struggle to find inner peace their entire lives because of one despicable monster.
The fact that he was lauded is so typical.
5
I am so sorry, Diana. Much love.
2
Thank you, Diana, so much. I have followed your career all my life. This moved me to tears: for you, for me, for all of us. Just this week at work I have had two conversations with male colleagues who are complaining about all the #MeToo reports coming out, and how they can't all be true, and that the pendulum has swung too far, and how these incidents can't really be proven, can they?, because WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE. Some men, and some women, are not ready to acknowledge how wide-spread sexual predation is. These denials perpetuate an environment of complicity. I am hoping that we are experiencing more than "a moment" in history and that real social change might be starting. I've been so discouraged by the recent Betsy DeVos-led rollback of sexual assault handling procedures at colleges and universities.
1
We have in our very own President of the United States a person who appears to be a sexual abuser. He is on record as saying, "they let you do it if you're famous."
How on earth do we allow this to continue?
12
Diana Nyad is a true champion.
6
What we're seeing from #metoo and the flood of stories is that it's a small minority of (mostly) men who do the abusing, but they do it over and over and over again, with an ever-spreading wake of trauma. If women keep speaking out and we can get some support from the majority of normal, regular men who do not abuse others I think we can turn the tide (all water puns intended - thank you Diana for adding your powerful voice).
3
we're also seeing the damage that a majority of people turning away and complicitly supporting the minority as you put it's actions. we all need to change
2
This brought me to tears. Which surprises me a little, that I am not by now numb to these repeated stories of abuse. So honest, and so poignant to feel the pain of strong, accomplished women (and men too) who survived such betrayal at tender ages. Yes, I believe at essence this is about betrayal of trust.
So appropriate really, that these stories of betrayal are seeing daylight as our entire country is victimized by similar betrayal. I refer not just to the disbelief that we have an admitted serial sexual predator as president, but to witness the so called religious fundamentalists embracing him, in full knowledge. I include the betrayal of our institutions that are either powerless to stop it, or worse are deliberately choosing not to.
New York Times, you are part of my sense of betrayal. You have a lot to answer for, with me, by extremely biased coverage of the election. You treated Bernie as a joke in favor of your chosen candidate. Then you treated Trump as a joke, and gave him unlimited free coverage, so sure were you of your power in elevating your chosen one.
I am glad these stories of betrayal are coming out, one after the other, following years and decades of silence, and misplaced shame. To me, it's all part of a greater movement to resist. Resist the dominance of power that wantonly abuses the vulnerable. That is what I see; many threads of abuse of power, but now the people are rising up. Taking our power back.
It is time.
3
I was savagely raped when I was 25 months old by a 'friend' of the family. I'm now almost 70, and like Ms Nyed, this abuse has affected my whole life. Part of me wants to deny that fact, but another more clear eyed part sees the truth. I still have certain PTSD symptoms, and certain chronic physical complaints, that can be directly traced back to this violent shattering of my sense of safety in the world.
6
My daughter was sexually molested by her biological father since before age 18 months. She first tried committing suicide at 8 1/2 years old. A judge made her to continue to have unsupervised visits for years! DFACS Workers and a therapist put in the files that I was trying to parental alienation. Because that is what he the abuser claimed. It took ten suicide attempts and my child to reach age 17 and him to flee to Canada for her to be believed.
13
What a powerful and moving story, and a testament to survival. And yet we have a predator in the White House and have to live with the daily trauma of seeing this man who bragged about sexually assaulting women disgrace and demean our country. May all the women he victimized speak up, and bring legal action against him.
12
Oh, God, I am so sorry.
3
The coach's name is Jack Nelson.
5
Terrifying! Humiliating! No one deserves that! Having the courage to come forward is something that you MUST continue to do. Be an example for other women/children.
1
I generally don't break into tears reading the NYT, but today I did.
3
Survival is not its own reward.
Speak out!
2
Thank you, simply thank you.
1
The Broward/Palm Beach New Times reported on this in June 2007:
http://www.browardpalmbeach.com/news/jack-and-diana-6310159
1
Thank you
1
Why isn't the coach named in this harrowing piece?
Thank you. #metoo
1
Diana - you should out this despicable man. He does not deserve to be in the "halls of fame". That is clearly a lie. Correct are the "halls of infamy". Thank you for your bravery. #metoo.
2
What is with men ?
What is with men? A few are rotten, same as women, like those who murder their children for example.
2
Thank you Diana Nad for sharing your painful past in order to encourage more victims of rape and sexual molestation to speak out. I have told my daughter and son since they were young that if anyone ever made them feel physically uncomfortable in any way, to loudly use their VOICE to reject them, and never let anyone cajole them into keeping secrets out of shame. The shame is not theirs, it belongs wholly to the offender.
This rapist, Jack Nelson, now dead, should be posthumously stripped of any honors. He was a dishonorable monster and should be removed as an 'honor coach' from the International Swimming Hall of Fame. I believe a tennis coach, Bob Hewitt, who was also a sexual predator was removed from the Tennis Hall of Fame.
880
The Times could play a tremendous role in facilitating this. Imagine the entities that rewarded Nelson being questioned by a Times reporter about their responses to Ms. Nyad's story.
6
Thank you for naming him.
7
Yes, a big part of the way abusers get away with what they do is our collective reluctance to accept that the monster could be "him," whoever that him might be: friend, doctor, neighbor, swim coach, etc.
Name names.
8
The coach was Jack Nelson. https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/11/sports/jack-nelson-swimmings-version-...
4
Quite a laudatory obit for a child molester.
2
Wow! Speaking of emotional trauma, lasting a lifetime. To all those out there, seeking a cheap thrill at the cost of 'killing' someone's soul, think hard and stay put, and do your thing in the privacy of your own cocoon of irrelevancy, so nobody get's hurt...while you dispense quietly of your accumulated urge.
1
There is no secret as to who was the molester. It was Jack Nelson. Why did the New York Times give him such a glowing obituary? All of his kudos should have been negated by Ms Nyad's comments.
https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/11/sports/jack-nelson-swimmings-version-...
11
Oh my god - I'm so sorry
2
Her coach was Jack Nelson. If anyone is interested in the NYT's glowing and long obit of him, the link is below. They have a one sentence mention of Nyad's "accusations" against him. Running obits like this might make the NYT's editorial staff sleep better at night, but perhaps they should look at their long history of glossing over abuse.
https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/11/sports/jack-nelson-swimmings-version-...
13
Never once in this harrowing story does Nyad call her rapist by name. His name is Jack Nelson. Not once does she call the principal of her high school who did not report her and her teammate’s allegations of abuse by name. The power of the #MeToo movement was woman showed the world how widespread the issue of sexual assault, intimidation, and harassment is. Awareness leads to change. The power of the French #BalanceTonPorc is that men who abuse women are called out and held accountable for their actions. Jack Nelson. Jack Nelson. Jack Nelson. Out your pig.
20
Jack Nelson
The molestation was mentioned in his obituary in the New York Times.
https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/11/sports/jack-nelson-swimmings-version-...
But I can't figure out why despite his accomplishments, he merited an interview in the paper of record.
2
This is the most powerful account I have ever read about sexual abuse. It goes far beyond the #MeToo viral campaign. I admit to only knowing about Ms. Nyad when she made long distance swimming headlines. Far more dangerous predators exist OUT of the water.
2
Kudos to you, Ms. Nyad, for sharing your story and giving others the courage to do the same. One line in your piece struck me more than others: "The principal told me that he had had suspicions, even reports from witnesses over the years, but that he had never caught him in the act."
That, right there, is a crucial--if damning--fact when it comes to abuse. Why does the benefit of the doubt consistently go to the abuser and not the abused? How is a man's career and livelihood more important than the physical and mental well being of the victims? This can only happen in a culture that devalues women and their contributions in favor of men. Statistics bear out that victims rarely level false accusations, so why are they treated as if they always do? "Catching him in the act" is a convenient excuse for avoiding conflict and possible legal action. Abusers know this which is why they take full advantage of an institution's unwillingness to cause trouble, make a scene, insert-denial-phrase-here.
Speak up. Loudly, clearly, and with the full knowledge that if it's happening to you, it's probably happening to others.
21
Jerry Sandusky was caught in the act more than once by assistant coaches, but they either never said anything, were not believed, or were told to keep quiet. This principal took action (not enough, but more than nothing), but not everyone would have.
Excellent point, Sabrina. Needs to be expanded and made front and center.
3
Well, D1 football and all. Heaven forbid the football program that the university made millions on be set aside for the sake of the victims.
1
Ms Nyad: Thank you for sharing your story. What you and so many others have experienced is heartbreaking.
2
As usual the adults in the room failed to act appropriately and relied on the abused mind of a child/youth to excuse/direct their inaction. The perpetrator should have been charged to the full extent of the law and the swimmers treated and assisted first as victims and then survivors. Instead, put on a spot the child/youth says, that's enough, not knowing what that means for the greater good for them or society. I know it was another time, but it still happens way too often today. Time to charge the adult enablers too.
19
I was absolutely rapt reading this. I am so proud of the movement that is coming about. I'm seeing the light in this nightmare of a Presidential administration. Thank you, Diana.
28
Oh, my. That was so powerful. Thank you. I sense a seismic shift in the public conversation about this issue, and I am grateful to have lived long enough to see this time. I also know that we American women have won the cosmic lottery, to be dropped onto earth at this time and place were we can speak out loud about these issues, own property, make our own money, marry or not marry, dress the way we feel...it is our duty as over 50s to empower the younger among us, however. I often feel that we have gone backwards in that regard as a society.
17
Thank you so much for sharing these painful memories. I am realizing now how many of us have suffered silently. Your story is our story.
13
This is heartbreaking, and yet, Ms. Nyad's incredible personal strength and unshakeable focus shine through so clearly here that I feel my heart start to mend and strengthen as well. Thank you a thousand times over for sharing your story and your example.
17
This so ripped into my core. Diana, this is a brutal account - I had to look up this evil man. Jack Nelson is his name - and he needs to be kicked out of Hall of Fame. And he does not deserve the respect or peace, just because he is no more.
139
The moral of this story is, that children should be taught to report any abuse or attempt of abuse immediately. Abuse over several years implies a peculiar and ambivalent bond between perpetrator and victim. This must be prevented.
Children should be assured that they don’t have to be ashamed when they report such a incident.
14
The moral of this story is that males need to stop raping and molesting children and women. The moral of the story is that societies around the planet need to stop tilting toward sons, enabling every degenerate, damaging, violent, and sick behavior that victimizes generation after generation. The moral of the story is that adults who know or just suspect sexual assault have the obligation to speak out loud about a coach, teacher, boss, coworker, neighbor, father, brother, CEO, president, priest, or other variant associated predator.
5
Perhaps one way to heal is to sound the alarm loud and strong, in order to guide other young girls (and boys) to say something. I'm so sorry you suffered this, Ms Nyad. You did nothing wrong. It is not your fault.
I bid you peace.
14
Thank you thank you thank you for having the courage to speak out! Ending the isolation is one of the best ways we have to end this unrelenting violence.
11
Diana, we met in 1971 when you were swimming "Marathon" swims in Quebec. Buck Dawson was your boatman. I was in the boat for Artie D. if you recall. We both swam at Princeton.
You were gutsy to accuse your coach at a time it was very uncomfortable to do so.
We are seeing an era where high and mighty figures are being toppled from their perches due to the outcries of the formerly powerless.
Reminds me of Shelly's Ozymandias. who statue lies ruined and abandoned in the desert.
"Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.”
12
Very powerful essay Diana, thank you. But why not name Coach?
13
Jack Nelson
6
Doubtless, the man's family would sue her. Such is our system that enables these males and forever actively seeks to silence their victims.
2
Thank you for providing horrendous detail in the NY Times. Readers can't slough it off as a young girl's imagination. How devastating that you had to endure this. Criminal that after all of that abuse, he was never brought to justice.
Love and peace to you.
19
I could 't finish reading the article because I was overwhelmed with a sense of rage. The name of this coach should be displayed on huge billboards and social media for the whole world to see.
We should demand that there will be no statute of limitation on sexual abuse, followed with serious sentences and financial ruin.
We should make it mandatory to teach the complete anatomy of sexual abuse to children from grade 1 on.
We should never leave a child alone with a male in a position of authority until they're totally and thoroughly vetted.
Patriarchy has been the longest and the most horrible lie perpetuated by men pretending to protect us. It has brought, wars, violence and untold abuses which are still unfolding before our eyes. It is a system that has no checks or balances. I cannot wait to see the total destruction longest tyranny. Mothers teach your boys! The first step in initiating change.
66
Well put, JG, but one quibble: "patriarchy" is far too benign a term for a cancer that has plagued humankind since there has been a humankind. We are speaking not only of a power structure, but also of the ideology behind it: male supremacy.
Bravo Diana!!! I hope that writing and publishing this column has helped you, after so many years, to heal.
5
http://valleytalking.blogs.sonomanews.com/2017/11/06/evolution-and-metoo/
-Walt Williams
1
Jack Nelson was his name, and as recently as his 2014 NYT obituary http://nyti.ms/2AxUxYU, Nyad's long-standing claims about his repeated sexual assaults against her while he was her high school swimming coach, were treated as a mere footnote--as though they were possibly true but possibly not. In today's post-Weinstein era he would be summarily fired, possibly stripped of honors, and his reputation rightfully tarnished by his predatory abuse of his mentor role.
40
What a powerful piece. I know just how Diana feels - my first book, Truth Heals, was my story of the sexual abuse I endured as a child. Talking about it is very freeing. Like Diana, I've had hundreds of women come up to me after a talk to confide that they too had been molested. It's time for all of us women, and good men too, to take a stand.
12
Ms. Nyad's account of her adolescent years struck a personal note with me that is beyond description. This beautifully written remembrance of innocence shattered and her struggle to survive it left me in tears. I well know the affects of manipulation and the uses of power by a figure of seeming authority and trust that uses sexual advances mingled with words of assurance that 'what we're doing is normal and our little secret' and how that can lead to decades of anxiety, self-loathing and a lifetime of regret.
11
Why not come out and say his name? Why not give the Hall Of Fames etc. an opportunity to remove his name from the walls of recognition? Hopefully articles like this will give courage to other victims out there to come forward. As long as they aren't connected to the catholic church law enforcement might take it seriously and actually do something about it...
10
These memories and the sheer terror remain with you forever. That is for sure. Family members' take on it is that you need to just get over it especially if the perverted perp is held in high esteem. It's important for his dignity to remain intact.
13
A horrible story that shouldn't have happened to anyone. And yet. The world of swimming is so small I find it hard to believe that Nyad didn't know that coach was still in contact with and likely abusing other young women. She was still mostly a kid herself though -- she doesn't bear that responsibility alone. The principal seemed glad to see the problem move down the road. We all, in a way, are complicit when we stay quiet or let the problem slip away. If the Weinstein issue brings an end to this we'll all be better off.
4
Diana, I watched you swim swim back and forth like a powerful machine for endless amounts of time in the penthouse swimming pool at the NYC YWCA back in the early 70's. I admired you then and throughout your illustrious career. Who knew that we had even more in common? I'm sorry we weren't able to help each other eradicate the evil that penetrated our lives as young women, girls. I'm sorry for that, but rejoice knowing we both made it in spite of it all. You are a great woman and may I say, I'm proud of you. Leona
12
I am so sorry. But I so appreciate you sharing your story.
1
This brave article by Ms. Nyad awakened a sexual assault that happened to me in the 1970s when I was 23 and sleeping. It happened the night of my best friend's wedding and I was the bridesmaid. I lived out of town so I stayed at her house that she shared with her husband. That night, I awoke to her husband's hands all over me, inside me. When he saw my horror, he put his hand on my mouth and threatened me that if I screamed, he would deny it all. So, I went into a quiet rage and kicked him and forced him to loosen my grip on me. He finally left my room frustrated and then threatened me again. The next morning I told my best friend what happened and she looked at me ice cold and immediately went into denial. Her husband walked in, put his arm around her, smiled at me in a victorious way, and I left. This broke up my friendship with my best friend for ten years until she found out her husband was having an affair with her then best friend. I finally told her again what her husband did and this time she heard me and wished she had back then. Meanwhile, she had two beautiful daughters with him whom I am very close with today. This horrific memory Ms. Nyad awakened in me caused me so much pain. My heart goes out to Ms. Nyad that this happened to her when she was 14 by a trusted coach and that he continued assaulting her for years. Brava for your courage to tell your story.
48
Ms. Nyad, Thank you for sharing. I bow to your courage and wisdom, congratulate you on your healing, (may it never cease) and thank you so much for your vivid and evocative writing.
I am asking myself, with my (imaginary) granddaughter, what would I say to help prepare her ? And, asking you, and all to help begin a conversation. What words can we say to a young girl? one who is completely unaware of sex? even one so young her breasts aren't even developed yet? What do we say to the one whose parents are too uncomfortable or disapprove of this kind of conversation? (There are those in our country who are against sex education because they fear it will promote sexual activity. )
This is just a way to get everyone's thinking going. Among us there will be many good ideas, I think.
" Darling, I want to tell you something about your body, perhaps something you don't even know about that marvelous body that you live in.
Every human body has the capability of sensing things.. hot and cold, pleasure and pain. Do you know what I mean? It hurts if someone pokes or hits you and it feels nice if someone touches you softly and gently.
And, in everyone's body there is an place which is especially sensitive to pleasurable touching...."
As I write, the complexity of preventing molestation from occurring or of helping
girls to speak out about someone who has done something terrifying to them is becoming clearer to me.
7
This story has given me courage. My family doctor molested me. I’ve kept it in until now. I just messaged the daughter of his former office assistant & asked her if she has any knowledge about him molesting others. It took me 45 years to do that. We all MUST speak up in order for this to end.
And it’s so very hard to speak up.
99
This is tragic in its commonality to all our stories--yes, I'm a survivor too, I was 5--but it is strangely beautiful...hearing your voice raised defiantly and eloquently on behalf of that poor vulnerable girl who should have been safe.
So thank you. Thank you for giving voice to the dirty secrets that we carry, not because that secret shame is ours, but because it was forced upon us when we hadn't the power or strength to object.
Thank you for staying strong and sane in the face of what could have broken you, what could have warped you. You are none of the things he called you. You are a warrior, a pillar that not even that pathetic excuse for a man could break down. You are beautiful.
Thank you.
21
You are an an amazing woman Diana. My heart breaks for what you endured.
I don't know about other readers but I had secretly hoped that the older woman who passed you that note was related to the coach and was telling you that he had died a miserable death, finally repentant of the terror he imparted with his body on all those young women.
But no, they are rarely repentant, are they?
I admire you for your courage. I always knew you were an amazing force; this woman I felt it viscerally in reading your words.
12
Thank you for telling your story, as hard as it may have been.
"These often charming individuals are lauded, presented with trophies for their leadership, from the piggish Weinsteins of Hollywood to the unscrupulous parental figures scattered throughout our suburbs. Statistics bear out the astonishing number of sexual abusers among us."
Jessica Valenti had a good piece in the Guardian about how the same traits that abusers like Diana Nyad's coach and Harvey Weinstein have are the ones men are lauded for having in society. Their dominance and bullying are seen as leadership traits. It's a feature, not a bug.
14
I was sexually abused at nine and ten in the basement of the church I attended and elsewhere by a much older boy who was training me as an altarboy. My story is a different story but the same story of secrecy, life-long self-loathing and self-doubting. I'm 76 and still living with the effects, all of which have been damaging to me and others close to me, all of which are well known to mental health professionals and to each and every one of us who was abused. Having been sexually abused at a young age is the wound that never heals.
50
I wish you peace.
3
I am so sorry you had to go through that.
i am glad you shared your story
3
Jack Nelson, the pedophile and sexual deviant who tormented Diana and others, was 'honored' in this obituary of the new York Times:
https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/11/sports/jack-nelson-swimmings-version-...
While the citation does mention Diana Nyad's accusations, the obituary mentions them in an offhand way, as if there is credible doubt to her accusations. The obituary goes on to honor this individual and discuss his sports awards. And so it goes - even as recently as 2014, the sexual assault accusations are swept under the rug as we tout the 'visible' accomplishments of these predators. ENOUGH. I do not care if Jack Nelson was an expert coach - he should NOT be honored in an obituary, and we all (including the New York Times) should be more responsible for calling out the vile actions of this (and other) predators.
101
He should have been arrested back in the 60s or 70s -- stripped of his honors -- fired -- and sent to jail for a long period of time for rape and sexual abuse of minors.
2
The girls on my swim team loved Diana Nyad; we wanted to be like her, strong, competitive, dedicated athletes. She was our hero, even more so today.
12
Why does she not write his name? So she is still keeping their secret. I am so sorry for her. And for his other victims.
1
She has named him many times. From Wikipedia: "She was enrolled at the private Pine Crest School in the mid-1960s, swimming under the tutelage of Olympian and Hall of Fame coach Jack Nelson who, she has said, molested her when she was eleven years old."
2
I know what I am going to talk with my 10 and 12 year old daughters about this afternoon. As I read this my brain was screaming, "TELL SOMEONE!". No one should suffer such abuse. I'm praying that my daughters never victims to a reprehensible person like this coach.
10
I still don't understand teenagers, but they keep secrets, sometimes from the people who care most about them and could help them. Persons like Diana Nyad's coach seem to know this.
2
Thinking back to when I was a teenager, I can imagine that I would be mortified by the prospect of having to detail my sexual abuse to my parents. What parts of your body were touched, and how, and what kind of words were said...
...then again, my parents never gave me "the talk". So, I never talked back.
Not naming "Coach" gives him a pass.
3
This piece is BEYOND PAINFUL to ALL of us with these secrets
At 81, I KNOW it ruined my Entire life..
Over twenty years ago when I told a Therapist, who was a "Specialist in OCD
He said this to me..".It ONLY has to happen ONCE"!!Imagine
Diana Nyad..".The Savvy Traveler."
..I remember her well
12
Thank you for giving women strength and support by sharing your trauma.
Please name your abuser; he does not deserve anonymity. Erase his reputation as a lauded couch and replace it with the ignominy and scorn he deserves, even in death.
10
thank you so much for sharing. I hug and embrace the little girl inside you and YOU today. From a loving mom.
2
Wow Diana Nyad this is THE most powerful article I have read on this issue.
4
Thank you, Diana, for sharing your heartbreaking story. I’m so sorry that your coach inflicted so much horror upon you. I’m glad we are shifting away from saying sexual assault is something that “happens” to a victim/survivor. Sexual assault is an action that a sexual predator actively perpetrates on his victims. The whole point is to assert dominance over another human being and shame them into silence, to make the abuser feel powerful by taking it from someone else. By speaking out, you are performing an affirmative act of your own, effectively taking back some of the power that your coach tried to steal from you. Thank you for standing strong and for proving that sunlight is the best disinfectant. You deserved so much better than what you got for a mentor and coach. #MeToo.
6
-- thank you for telling your story --
Awful awful awful. But I wish you would say this coach's name! How does he deserve to have his reputation and legacy protected by anonymity? I understand that the repercussions on you would likely be negative and grossly unfair. But I am still angry he essentially got away with it. Angry that almost all of them do.
2
You are an inspiration, Ms. Nyad. Thank you for speaking out as you have over the years. I find myself wondering how many women who went through similar kinds of experiences voted for Mr. Trump in spite of those experiences. Every woman I know has been molested or, at the very least, propositioned by men who were in positions of power in their life. So I wonder how any of those women could vote for that man, who's bragged about his "conquests" and talked trash about women for decades. Some were angry with HRC for staying with her husband and defending him from his accusers, but they voted for the guy who actually bragged publicly and privately about assaulting women.
8
A very moving story, well written. It does sound like you really didn't know what to do when presented with this surprise attack. Perhaps, a well rehearsed response would have been appropriate when anyone touches you without permission?
Knowing what to do, in a given situation, lessens the self blame that you may later do to yourself when trying to answer the nagging question, why?
2
Thank you for writing Diana. This is so terrible, sad and horrifying. To think that a man can hold such a terrible power over a young girl and destroy her innocence and faith. I shudder to think of the numbers of women this has and is happening to and find it so sad and frustrating g that in 2017, despite so many advances humankind has made, there are some that have not been made. We need to construct a web of safety for girls and women. It is more than time. We should be ashamed if we do not make progress on this disgusting issue.
3
Let's say: a web of safety for everyone. I was at one time well acquainted with a man who had worked as a family counselor on a military base back in the 70s-80s in Cali -- he assured me that of his patients who were children and had suffered sexual abuse, it was a 50/50 proportion of boys and girls. I don't believe that official stats can be accurately reported on this; but I'll accept the observations of someone I trust.
2
I'm sorry her abuser, Jack Nelson, is lauded so highly in a 2014 NY Times obituary. Perhaps, once these monsters are found to be sexual predators (or have otherwise committed heinous crimes) their achievements should count for much, much less. Sexual predation deserves punishment, not praise.
13
What was his name? Why is he still being protected by hiding his name?
1
Isn’t it time we do something positive and long term to promote responsible sexual behavior? Here’s one option: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Our_Whole_Lives.
1
Your story is Our story. The inexperienced youth [the vulnerable adult] overpowered by the narcissism of aggressive power masquerading as trust.
Your healing [and our healing] over time does not make these times disappear. Nor should it. Strength as an individual and strength in numbers!!!
4
I read a troubling Politico interview yesterday. A male Trump voter was defending Trump’s admission to assaulting women on the Planet Hollywood tape: “Some of these things are like that thing he said to Billy, Billy Bob, Billy Bud” (trying to think of the name Billy Bush) “on the bus, that comment he made.” The man shrugged. “He’s a human male."
Locker room talk about attractive women and bragging about being a “stud” who can attract women is natural. Locker room talk about assaulting women who don’t want your advances is not. The vile words spoken by Ms. Nyad’s coach as he assaulted her were not sexual. He was expressing hatred of and contempt for women in a sexual way.
I’m looking at you, fathers and coaches and teachers. Many of you are good men and sympathetic to the problem. You bear a huge responsibility for how young boys view women. You must model respect for women to your sons and to other young boys in your care. And you must stop implicitly condoning Trump’s brand of “locker room talk” by turning a blind eye and staying silent, not just in front of adolescent boys in locker rooms but in workplaces and social settings where men still think they can spout these attitudes with impunity.
It takes courage, I know. Many of you have stood in support of the vote for women, and for equality for women in sports, the workplace, politics and other areas of life.
We need your help again.
16
No, they are not good men. They are cowards - weak and lazy participants in a patriarchal age-old system that knowingly protects males of all ages and, viewing all females as inferior, throws girls and women under the wheels of the bus, generation after generation.
2
Sexual abuse of teenagers by respected mentors -- coaches, religious leaders, youth group leaders -- is a sad reality of our lives. And it knows no sexual boundaries. My would-be seducer was a YMCA secretary and father of 9 children.
9
Diana,
You are still silenced when you won't name him. Giving him the anonymity of Coach, even though he's dead now. You should be trashing his name and legacy with every breath.
We have to empower our children to speak out, to anyone, and not suffer quietly for years. That's where all the shame comes from, not hitting back hard.
3
Yes.
Like Harvey Weinstein did, this predatory coach who was also "child rapist" sought out the most vulnerable females. I recall reading how Harvey Weinstein feigned interest in his "prey" by asking about their family life & education. These predators search for an emotional void: an absent father figure, no education beyond high school, financial need, and easily intimidated and manipulated into believing that the predator simply wants to "help."
Harvey Weinstein, Bill O' Reilly, Bill Cosby, Roger Ailes, Toback, Kevin Spacey, Steven Segal, Woody Allen, and their ilk are sexual psychopaths. They feed off their prey, and their control over them is the trauma forever seared across the soul of each and every victim.
The punishment (prison) is not severe enough. The non disclosure forms (drawn up by "lawyers" aid and abet more rapes. These criminals are one and the same. They have no conscience & suffer no consequences. Misogyny breeds such contemptuous predators. And, the justice system allows it by turning a blind eye to its enabling lawyers.
Davis Boies comes to mind as yet another lawyer who possess neither decency nor shame. The lawyers are far worse than the perps.
12
https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/11/sports/jack-nelson-swimmings-version-...
Her coach.
9
The most important part of this is summarized in its last sentence.
"Tell your story. Let us never again be silenced."
7
Diana,
Thank you. We are all so proud of you.
2
These creeps do it because they know they can get away with it. We have to let them know they can't. Hope this encourages the victims to talk NOW.
5
I find it sad that of all the problems our president has. ..Russia , racism etc. serial molestation and rape are nothing he has to worry about. He has several women who have accused him of inappropriate behavior, he has a whole wiki page dedicated to keeping track of allegations
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Trump_sexual_misconduct_allegations
As does Bill Clinton-
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Clinton_sexual_misconduct_allegations
Power and money go to men's heads (not the one on their shoulders) and they think they can get away with treating women inappropriately. Until women (and men ie Kevin Spacey incidents) who are abused stand up and tell their stories and people get punished for their behavior will things start to change.
Thanks Diana for being one of the ones to speak out. This is bigger than all your other accomplishments combined. The courage it takes to overcome the abuse of and speak out is truly heroic. You go girl!
1
Speak his name. Though he's dead, he had a life full of acknowledgement and died unpunished. At least smear his name, now.
2
Has the celebrated Coach ever been outed by name? He should be.
Like the Goddess, Diana, you truly are a Goddess!
In the lines, between the lines, in the short painful time it took to read about the magnificence of your personal oceanic survival, I felt like I just swam from Cuba to Florida with you holding my hand the entire way. At the end there was only pure light from the journey from one shore upon another. All wet and new, fresh and alive in my soul, pure again from your deep courage and sharing I screamed:
SPEAK, MEMORY!
Ms, Nyad, not only do I believe you will entirely heal that young girl at your core, I feel that you have the power to heal ALL those young girls, women, who swim alongside you in those same deep and troubled seas.
Liberation takes a lifetime!
What a gift you are and I thank you from the depths of my heart.
9
I hate that this happened and continues to happen. I look at my 8 year old grandaughter, and even my three year old and wonder if this could happen to them. How can I protect them? Thank you, Ms Nyad, for helping us all wake up.
394
Your question touched me - I wonder the same about my children, and all children. They become so frightened and silent when people hurt them - would they tell me? Even though it hurt me to say this to them to even have to ADDRESS this horror, I have leapt right into the fray and told my children straight out that if anyone ever does anything like this to them - makes them uncomfortable, touches them, ANYTHING - that they must tell me and that I will help. I told them that cruel people will sometimes try to get kids to keep secrets or might threaten to hurt them or even me or their dad if they tell - but I said, I won't let anyone hurt you, and don't worry about me, I'm a grown woman and I am fierce, please don't worry that anyone could hurt me. And don't worry that I'll be angry with you. Don't worry about anything just please, PLEASE tell me, I'll believe you and I'll help you. What a world we live in.
5
I'm glad you feel like you and our society are finally waking up to this issue. I encourage you to look beyond just your own granddaughters, to also examine at the systems in place that have allowed these despicable crimes to be silenced for centuries.
Talk to your own children about what you can do to help teach your grandchildren (both boys and girls) about how to keep themselves safe, to be advocates for themselves and their bodies, to learn about consent in all forms, to be advocates for their peers, and to be part of a change in our society's understanding of masculinity, power, and oppression.
And then don't stop there. How can you work towards change in your community? Do people in your community who hold positions of power (coaches, church leaders, scout leaders, teachers, principals, city council members, law enforcement officers, etc, etc) believe children, youth, and any person who seeks out help to escape and prosecute their harassers and rapists?
Yes, of course, keep your family safe--the fight begins at home. But, this won't change unless we all change. I think about this every morning when I look my two children in the eye.
We all have to be part of the change, and in as many ways as possible.
3
Mr. Dunne, I speak from the perspective of a family lawyer with experience in abuse and neglect cases, domestic violence cases, parental abduction cases. How can you protect your granddaughter and even your three year old? First, vigilance. Children shouldn't be left with children who are not well-known to you. Even then, that is not a guaranteed prevention. [My own son was molested by the son of a friend while the adults were having dinner downstairs. He did not tell me about it for nearly 8 years.] Second, watch for tell-tale signs that there is something wrong. You'll know. A child previously toilet-trained may start bed-wetting. A youngster might engage in self-destructive behavior such as "cutting." A previously happy-go-lucky, joyful child may seem morose, depressed, evasive, unhappy. Keep your eyes and ears open and be a parent / grandparent who is always available to listen. These children want to be heard, to be valued.
3
It's overwhelmingly sad how the legacy of these dehumanizing sexual assaults last an entire lifetime. At first I wondered why the NYTimes chose to run this, and then I realized how incredibly significant Diana's voice and experience is to this conversation. Once again Diana gives a dignified voice to older women, whose private tragedies are in so many ways even more silenced than younger ones (more silenced as in: shouldn't you be over this by now? and: your body is no longer an object of desire, so why should we care?). I respect Diana and her accomplishments, including this one. [I'm also proud to say that I met her (without knowing who she was) and was very impressed by her positivity in those serendipitous swim locker room meetings! What a cruel, selfish man that coach was to dim this young spirit and this force of human will.]
521
With Diana Nyad speaking out, this "Coach" was allowed to take another job and make it to the Olympic Games?
We have to ask ourselves how basic criminal laws were successfully and routinely violated by perverts.
The misogyny in our culture runs so deep, is so ubiquitous, and is so powerful at every level. There is simply no other explanation for how a self-proclaimed sexual assaulter is President and how these child molesters, rapists and sexual assaulters have not been prosecuted.
251
Diana was a child at the time, and not who she is now. But that should not matter. Both the laws and the society need a serious overhaul.
Diana,
Reading your story with some trepidation this morning, in the end it left me with the usual feelings of fear and anxiety, but also newfound courage and determination to make this world my own again.
When I was fourteen, I was abducted, held for 12 hours and raped by two men. My parents blamed me, punished me, and never got help for me, medical or otherwise. I never talked about it until I was 21 and hospitalized for anorexia nervosa. It was the first time I had ever mentioned it to anyone, and even then, I didn't know to use the word "rape" to describe my experience.
Every time we can tell someone else about what happened to us, it diminishes the power that the abuser had over us. Thank you, Diana, for being a light in the darkness that leads the way for all of us.
55
Tell your story - a man's perspective:
When I began dating in the mid '60's, with no ready sources of birth control, I began to explore the physical sides of affection with various girls at my school. As these explorations became increasingly intimate, my classmates and I would often describe ourselves as "technical virgins, eg. everything but penetration.
I was deeply influenced by the books of R. Heinlein in those days and his idealization of sex between very willing partners, but never coersive. After several exciting dates with various girls, I then on two occasions experienced bizarre attempts at intimacy with girls who did not resist my fingers, but were frozen stiff. I found it really weird, and stopped myself, asking them if something was the matter. Both shook their heads no, but were nearly speechless as I took them home. Those nights made me feel terrible, since after enjoying earlier things we did, they were suddenly miserable. I did not know why.
Last week I discussed these events with my wife of 30+ years. She said it sounded like they had been abused. Now I read of Nyad's similar behavior and I think my wife was right. Why else would a teenage girl be stiff, unresisting, silent to my attempts to have mutual fun with her? I knew no meant no, and would have stopped if asked. They never said no, but their bodies did. I am now ashamed that I must have caused them pain instead of sharing pleasant "Night Moves".
29
I have started to question as of late if women really do have lower sex drives than men -- or if sexuality is often, for us, simply more fraught, complicated and historically pockmarked with trauma.
Maybe if women didn't have to deal with all this stuff, we could be as free, trusting, and willing towards sex as men seem to be. I wonder.
2
Yes, thank you for your courage. #metoo. And, even though I think that telling my stories of rape and assault, which led to addiction and shame, will be cathartic, I find that the telling just brings back the trauma. So please be careful, my sister, and remember that no matter what, we are all beautiful children of God (not matter what our religion) and we are precious! As slaves say, 'You can take my body but you cannot have my soul!'
8
A gripping, infuriating version of, as we are learning, a common story. Well written too. Thank you.
So why is it that women would help vote into the highest public office in the world a man who may hold women in contempt and has been recorded giving evidence to same?
12
That is a side effect of patriarchies everywhere: Males elevate some females in order to hold all females hostage, with the assistance of those females - especially is they are mothers and wives who otherwise have no self-esteem or social currency other than sons and husbands. That is why so many females sit adoringly at the feet of male hierarchies of misogyny, whether they call it obedience, duty, salvation or some other fantasy substitute for living in the real world where half the population victimizes the other half - with the assistance of far too many other females.
3
Beautifully written, Diana. You've long been a hero of mine.
8
I'm writing this, with tears. I'm sending this to my Daughter, to be shared with my two granddaughters. NOW. It's never too early to teach ALL children the power of NO, and especially the power of TELLING. Scream, shout, TELL. Protect yourself, protect others. There are NO special secrets. Thank you, this is painful and magnificent. Peace.
18
Dear Diana, You are a hero in many, many ways. Thank you for sharing this. You didn't deserve this.
8
Nyad's powerful testament to a life that "might" have been undone by her long-ago abuse prompts me to think anew about confronting the skeptics who invariably question such victims' repressed memories or reluctance to come forward. Each girl/woman/boy unready to speak might write a letter which details what happened and mail it to themselves. The postmark on an unopened letter would lend their stories veracity if and when they are ready to come forward to recount incidents of assault. Would it be useful to start making a strategy like this part of sex education courses?
4
OMG. This is one of the most powerful stories I have read. Emotionally raw, detailed. Yet not unique, I am sure. I am a former school administrator. I dealt with problematic coaches, including one or two who were clear predators. I worked in an era where we could revoke their license to teach.
But the sanitized reports of assault that I heard never carried the emotional honesty of Nyad's story. How many other such crimes occurred during my years as a school administrator that escaped my attention or concern? Nyad has me wondering.
9
I am sorry you went through this.
and I am also incredibly amazed about how you have become a professional swimmer after such a trauma against the same body and breathing you needed to succeed.
It shows me, how strong your spirit is truly!
Wow just wow!
Thank you for sharing.
7
I didn't think my respect for you could grow Diana, but now it has. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. Let's hope it will help others to speak out and prevent other 'coaches' from getting away with these horrible crimes.
8
I am in admiration of your great courage to come out with this Diane.
5
Ms. Nyad, although I am only two years older than you, I feel that you were a household word in the Olympic and National Swimming arenas when I was too young to be much interested in anything specialized except maybe playing music (on instruments) but I was very grateful for my wide and fertile environment. Even without any threats in my life I did have "Unreasonable and Unfounded" fears.
But when you and others recount their life crises I am so much more appreciative of how you and others have not let something ruin your life. But as you found out, a formal legal complaint most likely would have resulted in strict and long incarcerations in high security prison for this coward. Possibly some one else who had been victimized, if that's the suitable word, might have come forward to testify or add to the complaint and charges.
It is horrifying that this principal found the complaint derious enough to terminate this man's employment but disregarded his obligation both legally and morally to report this complaint to the Local Law Enforcement. At your age there certainly were statutory rape laws that should have protected you and others from this predator. I have experiences of close friends sharing incidents of rape or assault they have endured. I can only believe that a mountainous number of children have been preyed upon, with the culprit getting off due to
the weak resolve or lac of courage of some responsible third party. What a total abdication of trust.
2
I still shudder when I hear someone give praise for 'not letting it ruin your life'. I understand what it means, yet it feels wrong.
1
Like so many others, I have a very similar story, starting at age 11 and lasting until I was 16 and made it clear to my abuser that I would tell. I, too, kept quiet to buy my own safety. On the day I confronted him, he tried to explain why he was doing this; how it was for my own good. Men who abuse and harass justify it to themselves even as the say it's secret because they know it's wrong.
There has been no outpouring of confession from the men who live amongst us on twitter or the pages of the NYT, saying they've done this and know it's wrong, yet the experience is so common that it's men amongst us, everywhere. Unless someone who's been abused speaking out; the guilty men remain quiet; a profound silence that leaves the good men amongst us confused and under a cloud of suspicion of "him too?"
When women ask men to solve this problem, we are not just asking on our own behalf. We're asking on behalf of our husbands, fathers, sons, and friends who would never do such a thing. For if it's secret, who know which man is a threat? How many times throughout your life will some woman look and wonder, "Him, too?"
24
Part of male privilege is the complicity of the non-rapist which align him with the rapist, a willing participant in the violation of some females and subjugation of many others.
3
Thank you for sharing your story, Ms. Nyad. By doing so, your healing and strength will be passed on to millions. What a gift to bestow on us. Shalom.
8
Thank you. I so wish that this had not happened to me. I think my life would have been much different. This article has left me crying.
6
Traumatic events happen to many. Those who survived the recent Texas church shooting, a horrifying event, will live with the memories forever. Telling one's story can help, but no matter how many times one tells it, the story remains. Diana Nyad has survived by the presence of human will. Persistence. And a most important insight in this account is the ever-presence of "self-loathing," a factor of PTSD and related issues. Healing may never be complete, whether it's over things that have happened to us or things we may have done. Regret, remorse remain.
Do they make us more "human," more humane? Perhaps that's a question
worth consideration. What road does one take when moving forward?
6
I have admired Diana Nyad for many, many years, and now more than ever. Thank you for printing her story.
2
This remarkable story by a truly remarkable woman made me wonder why the generally commendable process of mentoring a young person can so often become warped into a compulsive desire to devastate that person. We've seen it in teachers, in clergymen, and of course in athletic coaches, who are often brilliant at getting kids to idolize them. What turns the relationship into a nightmare? Is it age's envy for the beauty of youth? The urge to control another's destiny? To push the limits of power? A kind of love based on masochistic self-loathing (Kevin Spacey?)? I would appreciate someone with as strong and eloquent a voice as Diana Nyad's exploring the dark side of mentoring.
3
Trying to destroy another human being via violation is not just present in mentoring. Men degrade, ridicule, harass, molest, rape and even kill girls and women whom they envy, whose inner strength and intellect they fear, or seek to make smaller in life than the attacker.
3
I think you are approaching it the wrong way. They start out as predators, and then calculate what pastime or profession will give them the easiest access to kids in a position of sufficient authority to get them to go alone with it.
6
Courage comes in many forms. Physical. Spiritual. Emotional. Diana exemplifies them all. A wounded warrior. Battling on.
3
You were a very special person at Lake Forest College, Diane, as you are now.
As one of your classmates, I remember watching you in awe from the second landing of the pool, swimming back and forth, seemingly endlessly, in a grace that was almost spiritual. Others of our class told me about you, and once I saw you, I knew you were so special. I returned a few times, just to be amazed.
I remember it like yesterday. God bless you for telling this story. I'm sure few young men had any idea what you had already had to face at the time. Those were the days of lost souls, and they still are. Thanks to the NYT, Weinstein reminds us. However, I hope you now know that, despite it all, you have as many kindred spirits in men as you do with women.
4