Funnily or not so funnily, I have opposite feelings to Deborah Tannen's regarding our maternal memories: when Ms. Tannen revives, either consciously or unconsciously, her mother's voice, she feels deep satisfaction; when I hear myself sounding like my mother, I feel deep dissatisfaction.
I'm even more disconcerted when it dawns on me, as it did with Tannen's friend Tamara, that I'm really reacting to my mother's tone, insinuations, and tacit messages while a friend is speaking kindly and directly. It would be so much better to be clear of clouds.
11
If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
6
I assume your husband is a wise enough man never to tell you that you’re getting like your mother.
2
My mother died when I was a child, so it's my father Amalio's voice I hear, most often quipping "I seldom say the wrong thing when I keep my mouth shut."
5
Tamara's mother's personality and her relationship with her daughter was not like Deborah's mother's and her relationship with Deborah. Yes, both women -- as mothers and hostesses -- are issuing a command. Their words might be ritualistic or their meaning might be just the opposite of what they seem to be but both of them are asserting their right to be in charge. "Tamara was surprised" could perhaps more appropriately be "Tamara acted surprised." The end of her story, as told by Deborah, does not ring true. Look at "You never listen to me. And I'm so glad you don't." If Tamara's mother ever said those two sentences at all, I suspect that she did not say them in sequence. As depicted in the earlier part of the paragraph, she shows herself to be a woman with a rote response to a bullying daughter rather than one in possession of an ironic wit.
2
Thank you for your essay and your insightful books. I must say I often think of how my mother would have phrased an answer to a situation. She was kind and loving, and never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings. I love to emulate her word choice and tone. A perfect example: when she was in her 80s and had memory issues, a woman walked up to her at a wedding. She asked my mother if my mother remembered her. My mother answered, "Who could forget someone as nice as you?" The woman smiled and gave her a hug. Afterward, Mom confessed that she had no idea who the woman was. But I also channel my father, who was kind, too, but had deep leadership qualities that I feel I need to acquire. And I teach my son the words of both grandparents as he grows into his adult life. It is truly luck to have two parents who can serve as role models for coping with difficult situations.
8
One other contribution for "my mother speaks" through a daughter that did not do well for mom while she was alive.
I was young when she was much older. She was a rebel in her day, I in mine. We only knew each other for 20 years total, much of that I was not a cognizant human being.
After she died, I went back over the papers of a woman who shared my fear and abuse of my father with me, not sure how she experienced it or could not protect me from it, but then I stumbled across a file that made me think she was trying to have a life of her own, sad as it was.
She left school as a brilliant student to support the family during the war. After it, she had two small girls and an alcoholic violent veteran husband, but put together a business plan for a pattern dress company, amazing in it's sophistication, and asked her dad for a loan. The answer from her dad was in an envelope she tried to burn.
But my sister and I went to college. She speaks through us. Amen.
3
I don't think anything is this straightforward in the way language interacts with, and reveals, human relationships and motivations. There are women in this world who will go out of their way to set other women up to fail, in order to make themselves look better. I have a sister who does this all the time, so I can never take anything she says at face value. In this dinner party scenario, a woman like that would tell the guest -- in front of the rest of the party -- not to help, and then complain later that the guest was self-centered or arrogant for not pitching in. She might even drop pointed remarks to that effect while the party guests were still there, enjoying coffee and dessert. Been there.
We're all just doing the best we can with what we have to work with. The important thing is not to be a jerk when things don't go the way you want, or people don't obey your commands. In my opinion, the writer was rude to her well-meaning guest. A good host goes with the flow and makes her guests feel good, appreciated, welcome.
6
Oh gosh, I hate it when people don't speak directly; I find that so confusing.
I admire the author and her friend for discussing their differences and resolving them so well. I find it difficult to start those types of conversations, but they make life so much easier.
6
Thank you for your poetic and soothing last sentence. I am just wondering why communication between two persons not through writing, not by phone but in person, especially being described as old friends, does not have more subtlety. Regarding these "polite" phrases, I also grew up with, I usually check back with the body language or facial expression of the person being “polite”.
2
I love Dr Tannen's writing. In Bulgaria we have the tradition of refusing numerous times before finally accepting a gift. It's so confusing trying to gift my niece Adidas sneakers — she kept saying "no I don't like them, only dumb girls wear them." I feared I was about to drop $140 on something unwanted. One is never sure if the refusal is real. Only after 4 days of nagging did my 13-yo succumb.
I must say I really appreciate the directness (and subsequent gratitude) practiced in the US.
8
My parents always said we should choose the restaurant but I also knew that they would only eat in American style, Chinese (not other Asian) and Italian. A few times I really chose...vegetarian with tofu...they said not to do that again. This reading between the lines happened a lot in my growing up. The open door of where to go to college and choose a major (with financial restrictions) was really a cover for "we have no idea even though we want to sound progressive". This has gotten me into trouble with a recent beau who I've learned needs very straightforward comments, nothing around about, nothing sugar coated. Just plain words of where I want to go and what is on my mind. Its hard to shift after 60 years of "interpretation". I'm not unassertive but I'm also not direct about most things. Its less "female" than family of origin.
5
Many thanks to Deborah Tannen for her usual and always thought-provoking insightfulness. My mother and I were very different and often at odds, but the one thing we had in common was language. With her having been gone for many years, I can put out of my mind her hurtful and controlling use of it and remember her many incisive sayings, some from folk wisdom and some of her own. Two of my favorites: Discretion is the better part of valor and You know what 'should' did, don't you?
3
Social politeness is a much larger human issue than the voices of our mothers. Particularly now that we humans are moving around the planet so much and so fast. "How you were raised" is the category at hand. Mothers are important, family is important, but so is an entire culture -- the one you identify with and/or aspire to. We imitate our family members all the time, as we also obey the rules of our tribe. Short of having a strong tribe, we must forge our own rules and stick to them.
4
The different styles can be a tough one to get past when not dealing with good friends. I was taught that it's a matter of respect to accept yes and no the first time around, so I'm in the more direct camp. I've learned to cope with different styles, but I absolutely hate it when someone urges something (usually food) on me after I've said no. If I have to repeat it, all the more annoying. My head tells me they mean well, but my spontaneous feeling is, "What's the matter with you? Stop it! Leave me alone!"
6
My mother was born in the small village of Tharad in India. My wife was born in Chicago. Occasionally, my mother would come and stay with us for 2-3 months and during these periods, she would always take over the kitchen.
This worked because my mother was a superior cook and my wife was not territorial. We all got to eat excellent food while my mother was there, and we ALSO got to eat excellent food after my mother left because my wife was pretty good herself.
I can fully understand that another woman than my wife would have resented my mother's imperialism and there would have been conflicts. As it was, the two loved each other and it was the love which was supreme.
17
Oh my word, did you really just post that your mother was a 'superior" cook to your wife, and that your wife is "pretty good herself"? Them's fighting words!
1
This is true of men too, and we all hear both of our parents in various ways.
My mother has a tendency to repeat herself. It is a habit. I starting out writing that way, with those supervising me constantly calling that to my attention. It took me awhile to realize I was writing the way my mother talks.
My father did not do that, but in this I was repeating my mother's voice.
8
Try being YOURSELF.
3
People problem, not just women.
An old girlfriend's FAMILY came to mind, her father also being on board with the 'less direct' way of communicating. I would offer to help, they'd say 'no', so I would not help, figuring they might have their own way of doing things, that I might get in the way; they saw that I wasn't 'trying hard enough' to help, that if I really wanted to help, I would ask again and again, but, if I had done that and they finally agreed to let me help, would they have agreed just to get me to shutup, agreed so I wouldn't feel left out even though they would have preferred that I didn't help? Once it was made clear to me how they felt by being direct, we went back to playing 'indirect' with the burden on me to ask over and over - unpleasant for me - so instead, I asked once of her sister whether I could help clean up, and when she said 'no', gently pushed her away from the sink and washed the dishes. Another time, she and I were housesitting; the owners said "don't wash the sheets, just leave them", but my girlfriend did so anyway.
Similarly, my godmother was visiting and my mother asked her if she wanted tea: it went back and forth several times until I was ready to yell at my mother that my godmother didn't want tea; but then, my mother said, "well, I was going to make some for myself anyway" to which my godmother said "maybe I can use your teabag after you're done". Was she polite saying no and then polite saying yes?
4
So, Deborah Tannen, did you ask your husband if his father or mother always bought too much and how he reacts to you saying, "Who's going to eat all that?!"?
3
This essay calls to mind the term "mother tongue".
4
I remember Your mother Dorothy very well from our Brooklyn neighborhood. My own Jewish mother (who had the same directness) and I would visit her frequently to avail ourselves of her services when I was a teenager..
2
I think you ought to write about the evolution of the word "home," which I see as the tyranny of the real estate business. When I was younger people lived in eithere houses or apartments, not "homes" It wuld also be useful to hear you talk about the evolution of the use of "cool" or "dork" or "awesome." And I am also one of those people who cringes when gearing about someone's "narrative." My knee jerk reaction is always to say to myself, "What ever happened to the Democratic Party's story?
4
I'm tired of that "narrative" thing too!
2
While I love Deborah Tannen, I can't relate to this piece. My Mother is a constant interrupter, and a narcissist who always makes the conversation about her. Obviously, we did not have a good relationship. (She happens to be Jew born in Germany.) I've been hyper aware not to sound like her. If you heard our speaking styles, you wouldn't think we were related.
4
Debra Tannen is someone whom I admire so much. Everything she writes-- even the darker issues of linguistic discrimination in the workplace and of the contentious "argument culture"-- is presented with such insight, such fairness, such a large warm heart.
3
I loved this piece. The language (both specific phrases and general style) of our relatives can be such a powerful connection to them. I often hear the voice of my mother - who is still alive and with whom I speak every few days - in my head and sometimes in the ways I talk to my children. I always cringed when my mother or grandmother called me "bubbeleh," thinking it was such an ugly-sounding word. But now I routinely call my daughter that, and I think of my mother and grandmother every time. It sounds ugly (to me), but the warmth and love beneath it are undeniable.
Your piece also reminded me of my college roommate, who grew up in a rather proper Southern household and who would do linguistic somersaults to avoid offending anyone. It was so refreshing when I was staying at her house a few years ago and helping clean up after dinner, and she just outright told me "Don't load the dishwasher. Everyone does it differently, and I'll just have to reload it after you do it. You can help with hand-washing x/y/z dishes, but leave the dishwasher alone!"
2
Dr. Tannen, could you please give us some insight into the linguistic style of our current president, God bless him (a southern expression that means something different than the words). DJT uses hyperbole often and is know for excessive lying. He might say, "We are not going to talk about this...then he does talk about this." He makes remarks that are the opposite of what he intends to mean. Some years ago the transactional analysts under the influence of Eric Berne talked about "crazymaking" communications...I guess one feature of the "double bind"...seeming to tell someone a message but actually meaning its opposite. Dr. Tannen, please give us a lesson in Tumpspeak.
5
His language is cognitively deprived.
Deborah Tannen never fails to deliver. She was a pioneer in linguistic research when I was coming up, and I read everything she wrote and tried out her "stuff" on unwilling victims through the years. As to learning modes of expression from my mother, can't think of a better person to look to, for both the "that works" and "never do that" categories of communication and behavior. In the end, as others have noted, when family and friends opine "you sound just like your mother," it's cringe and kvell at once! Thank you, Ms. Tannen, for your pure joy.
4
A friend of mine once asked me if I wanted to go the mall with her. I politely declined because I was very busy with work. 2 weeks later I was told to be a bad friend, since I had failed to understand that she had needed me, that she did not want to be alone. ??? If she had told me that in those words - I would have - despite my schedule - made time for her. Now I was the bad friend? Or rather, she was a terrible communicator. Please do speak directly. If you want help - say so. If not, say that, too. My job is not to guess what you mean.
4
My favorite quote of my mother's which I often repeat is, "Don't think so much, Gail, it only upsets you"! Wow! There is a book in there somewhere!
4
I never forgot it when I offered my mother in law help in her kitchen and she said without thinking, "no thanks, I have enough problems already". And I never was clumsy in the kitchen. So now when I offer help, I sometimes remind her:" Can I help or do you have enough problems already?" She laughs and lets me help...
5
I lived on a different continent from my mother and my mother-in-law when my kids were small. I realized my verbal and nonverbal cues were so like my mother's that, despite not seeing her often, my daughter got my mother's instantly. My MIL would complain about my daughter's being out of control when she blithely ignored my MILs cues, not recognizing them.
2
What a fine observation!
I like to think--at the age of 61--that I have achieved a communication style that is diametrically opposed from that of my (long-deceased) mother. I am direct, say what I am thinking, only utilize subtext as a deliberate strategy. Nonetheless, I am regularly surprised when my mother's expressions and phrases pop out of my mouth, as they do fairly often.
Surprised, amused, and actually sort of pleased...because despite our differences, I loved and respected her.
3
Both of my parents died when I was young, so I have no idea if my blunt directness comes from them. I tend to say what's on my mind, directly and with precision of word, often with no filter. I appreciate to company of similarly disposed people.
My wife is a first generation German Jew who inherited her mother's artful if sometimes frustrating indirectness: a question is usually not a question, but a veiled demand. But over the years--and with some help from our two now-grown kids--we've come to understand each other much better. My wife now makes requests directly, without a prefatory novella to substantiate her deserve in asking. And I've lost the irritable reaction I used to have when she asks a question, pausing to think for a moment whether or not it really is just a question.
Still, I sometimes wish I remembered enough about my parents to see parts of them in me. Or maybe, as I see my wife's shock when she hears her mother in her own voice, I am better off not knowing.
5
I too am very different from my wife. I am Michigan, and she is Philippine province, not even Manila.
I've found that the difference finally made things easier. We gave up expecting automatic understanding. We just accepted that we had to make the effort. Everyone does of course, but for us it was unavoidable and so somehow easier to acknowledge and just do it.
7
Nice article. Please note, though, that one does not have to be a woman to hear one's mother's voice in one's own or know her in one's gestures and behavior. One does not have to be gay or trans, either. Every time I read aloud, it is my mother who speaks, her face that adds expressions to the words. Born in 1920, an Edna St. Vincent Millay fan, she lived to 95.
14
I really enjoyed the column. Our mothers' ways of speaking and thinking really have a profound impact. Fathers, too.
I finally understood this around 25 years ago, when I recognized how critical and judgmental I could be. Then I realized that I'd never heard my mother say a kind or positive word about almost anyone. Rather, her comments were almost endlessly harsh, even about the most mundane things or people with whom she was actually acquainted or not. I rarely heard my father say much of others that wasn't critical. The only people they rarely criticized were priests or other males in the Catholic church. Not surprisingly, neither had any real friends.
As an adult, those voices continue to pop up. But with training and self-awareness, I've learned not to apply them to others. Now, if I can only learn not to apply them to myself!
10
This is exactly my experience. I have spent years working to shut up my mom's voice in my head criticizing everyone and everything including me. I am so much happier and healthier now that it is silenced. Sondheim captured this best:
Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see and learn
Children may not obey, but children will listen
Children will look to you for which way to turn
To learn what to be
Careful before you say "Listen to me"
Children will listen
1
Years ago I heard something about people in Minnesota - that if they were offered something, they would say no thank you, please don't go to the trouble two or three times - and in order to be polite, others are meant to keep offering because they were just being polite.
Any Minnesotans or Minnesota experts out there to tell me if that's the right thing to do? Asking two or three times from my end makes me worried I would be kind of harassing them...sounds like a silly question but still comes to mind once in a while.
6
This three-time thing is also standard in other cultures, eg Thailand. I have a long time Thai friend who reported that relatives were shocked at her Americanization when she said "yes, thank you" and accepted something without initially declining the first two times. (This was a number of years ago, and may or may not be the current Thai generation's practice)
3
Yes, in the Middle East, too, it is common to express politeness by trying not to trouble a host if you are a guest, and if you are a host offering food or drink, or anyone offering help, you do so more than once.
In many families and cultures within the US, this is also true--you offer to help more than one time, or you get up to help while offering, to show that the offer is sincere. The underlying assumption is that it is easiest not to get up and do work, and the first offer is not really sincere, merely a cover. I think it is also assumed that speaking--as in, repeating--is much easier than actually getting up and either getting the food (and/or drink) or getting up and doing work to help out. So for all of those who get frustrated at needing to repeat themselves, I would suggest that some humans find it much easier to speak and explain (and repeat, gently and with explanations) than to actually get up and clean or make and fetch things from the kitchen. For others, with other types of brains, putting thoughts into kind utterances might seem harder than washing some dishes.
Nowadays, kids from certain American cultures seem to find mere greetings to be too hard to do--they cannot be bothered to greet coworkers at work, whose names they know; apparently they simply dispense with greetings entirely, and walk right past each other without saying anything, with no intent to signal hostility!
1
Oh, I just realized I do that too! Demur several times, I mean.
I was born in Wisconsin. I was 10 years old when we left for the west coast in the 1950s, and still...
1
As always, this is another brilliant article written by our most noted linguist, Deborah Tannen. I have read nearly all of her books and have become wiser for it. What I most like about Tannen's work is that though it is certainly scholarly--its tone is also intimate.
16
We moved closer to where my parents live when my sons were little and my mother started spending more time visiting us. After her visits, my then 6-year-old son, would ask me, "Mommy, why are you talking like Grammy?"
4
I learned to interpret my loving mother’s messages half concealed by her speech. When she said ‘I’m OK,’ in response to my ‘How are you?’ I could tell by her tone whether she was saying ‘I’m struggling, so question me further.’ Sometimes it felt like emotional manipulation and unnecessary effort and I resolved to raise my children with straight talking, words and manner.
However, I became an effective medical interpreter in Spanish/English because I sensed the patients’ demeanour as well as translated their words. In particular I picked up on their depression that nurses and doctors missed.
But my five children all say what they mean.
22
Yes. I listen to the tone of voice of my kids, not the words they say.
3
Yes, but linguistic style need not rule-out other realities. Language and metaphor evolve in the course of psychosocial development. Our mother's voice—often manifest in our own—has unconscious meaning, even in our personal linguistic selections. [Note how this is reflected in other comments on this article.] And, while these need not necessarily be “pathological” inferences, they can be painful. Separation from mother and individuation of our own identity is a life-long process. How do we have our mother ... and eat (and clean-up) in our own way, too? In my mind (and mirroring my mother's reference): it's like mozzarella. You take a bite when you get on the train at 42nd Street ... and you're still pulling to separate from the slice when you arrive on 79th! It's its own kind of delicious ... and sometimes, not.
2
My mother was my best friend. She had acerbic wit and did not suffer fools gladly. We didn't always agree but she taught me to be independent and said "do not rely on others for your happiness." She died in 1999. I still miss her. Many times when talking to my siblings they say "you sound like Mom." I respond by thanking them for the compliment. Our nickname for her was "The General."
11
What wise advice.
With this one piece, you have explained four decades of conversational contrast for me, a male who bristles at the way a certain female expresses herself. I knew her mother and can compare her with mine. There it is. Thank you.
6
"...the confusion caused when one speaker means words literally and the other thinks they are hinting at something else."
It's really spooky to read how she precisely describes conversations between my wife and me. Which leads me to wonder if the dichotomy she describes is a male-female thing. Or a husband-wife thing?
1
Read Dr. Tannen's book "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation". I read it years ago and it has been a great influence on me.
1
This is such a moving memoir of your mother and it is profound in its finding that a voice (and its intonation) can reach through the years to model our behavior.
Whenever I am panicked, either slightly as when driving in narrow lanes and passing a truck that's slipping into my lane, or very, as when finding myself in a high place and having to look down, I call forth my mother's voice. Her voice says: "Who's in charge? I AM!!" Somehow it calms me right down. It's her voice and intonation, but I'm the one who's in charge.
5
My mother was a constant "little lier" and I have worked throughout my life to avoid repeating her pattern. Her lies were all seemingly meant to do good for people (e.g. buying theater tickets to an event that my husband and I had already told her we didn't want to attend; throwing me a surprise birthday party after I specifically told her that I did not want a party). I think that she really did have good intentions at heart, but her "little lies" gradually added up and basically led to the complete destruction of the entire family.
6
The greatest penalty in many households comes with speaking the truth or voicing honest opinion. You can make yourself an outcast mighty quick. But the same practices, used with children of your own, can form a better, happier family.
4
Deborah Tannen's insightful comments on communication show the danger and pitfalls present in communication with those that do not share our language and customs even more than with those that do. I wish President Trump could understand what she is saying.
8
Wow, such a different reaction than I experience. When I open my mouth and hear my father, I want to cringe. He was a bombastic and dominating force in my family. His word was meant to be final and when anyone rebelled against that, he exacted revenge. If I were to have insisted on clearing the table after he said not to, he would have taken that as an outright defiance of his authority. Of course I learned to mimic him. There are so many of my behaviors, my assumptions about the world/people, my thoughts that are "his." He taught me how to be a bigot through his speech.
It's taken many many years to overcome being my father. I still have to work on it every day. So, no, I'm not grateful when I speak and I hear that he is still with me.
41
The first time that my three year old did something "naughty," I hit him on the butt with the palm of my hand. I immediately realized that I had become the reincarnation of my father, but the gesture was so instintual that I didn't evn have time to reflect until it had happened. This is one reason why behavior is so hard to change.
2
Loved this. I've often channeled my mother's voice in poetry and fiction I've written, and recently, I came across a cache of letters she wrote to me, and now I have the voice! and I'm using it in poems. I was fortunate that my mother visited us numerous when we lived in Florida, and my husband got to know her well. He also channels her voice, using some of her expressions with her intonations--it's hilarious, nostalgic and finally, empowering to hear her words come through the years.
3
My Mom, whom I miss dearly, died 5 years ago. I will insist that we were nothing like each other, but I incorporated her ideals, graciousness (I hope) and empathy in my soul. My husband and I often quote her to each other and when we see a play, go on a trip, or have an enjoyable experience we say to each other how much my Mom would have enjoyed it.
5
An illuminating perspective that helps to articulate & broaden something I've been thinking about & feeling & attempting to express. My mother is a writer and in our family words held a different kind of weight growing up. What you said & how you performed mattered more than what you felt. We had to conform to her standards of cogency or risk our feelings being erased through diminishment/minimization or else the black whole of rigid defensiveness. Performing to match her idea of us mattered more than being ourselves.
My mother taught me my language. In adolescence/college years I was often caustic and unable to realize/accept/feel that my words had power (as did my presence). I was not, in fact, an invisible gay ghost spewing acute outrage from the sidelines on some neutral moral high ground... Realizing that we ALL project onto others based on our histories & psychologies & cultures & backgrounds & familial tongues, etc. is of the upmost importance in this day & age when the humanity of others is being supplanted by a harmful idea that people stand as symbols.
5
Always delightful to hear from Deborah Tannen whose perspective of the woman's world in linguistics is always welcome and refreshing to me, a male. Here we hear about her growing up with a Yiddische Mama and its carryover into her interaction with her friend with a similar cultural background. This is a great piece of linguistic and gender ethnography. Thanks for the contribution, Deborah.
23
Your friend Tamara sounds like she simply lacks the ability to relax, sit still and and have a conversation and instead mindlessly services her nervous personal energies.
Dinner with her seems slightly more enjoyable than dining with a headless chicken.
The inability of someone to calmly sit down and immerse one's self in the pleasure of human conversation is one of the most awful human qualities out there.
My condolences.
37
Either that, or in her family of origin, Tamara was screamed at or punished or shamed if she did not help, at any time. Especially when at someone else's house when her mother would hear from that mother how "helpful" her child was.
Those memories of child rearing are deep and, if rather ugly, often buried.
7
Socrates,
The reflex to always be "helping" is instilled in many females from childhood. It isn't that they don't want to just relax and enjoy a conversation, it's that their heads have been indoctrinated for decades with pathological "shoulds" that they cannot turn off easily without intentional awareness through counseling, research, or a catastrophic event (in my case) that wakes them up.
The "intrusively helpful" souls mean well, they just don't know how to stop. My mother tended to bounce all over the place when she entertained. She could not sit down and enjoy her guests. It was part insecurity over her cooking and cultural training to serve.
"Over-helping" is a culturally-induced, gender-based involuntary twitch like "mansplaining."
The only solution to our entrenched gender behavior and speech going forward is awareness.
26
You did miss the Point. That was how it came across to Deborah, but Tamara is so deeply conditioned to do the work anyway that the idea of Relaxing when there is kitchen work to be done doesn't even occur to her. Once she can wrap her head around the idea of sitting next to a dirty kitchen, she will just sip her wine like the others.
4
I took the Times dialect quiz a couple of years ago. It told me that I probably grew up in the Bronx or Yonkers. I have never lived near either of these places, but my mother was raised in the Bronx. So there you have it.
44
I had a very close relationship with my mother and maternal grandmother. I'm surprised how often my grandmother's words come out of my mouth. Probably more than my mother's. It's comforting really because I adored my grandmother, and she has long been gone.
39
Awww. It even goes further than that. My daughter often says she sounds like her nana! Sometimes it's the grandmas talking through you.
11
Timely....my Mom in her nineties and I in my seventies had a conversation the other day about a relatively benign family situation....when all of a sudden my mother says, "stop it, you sound just like me"...meaning unlike my usual self....we laughed and laughed. If she ever says it to my baby sister, however, I'll be dragged into a sisterly discussion: "I'm not at all like Mom!!".
Lovely column.
25
"My mother tended to say pretty much what she meant, so growing up, I had learned to take her and others at their word."
An old story--a cultured Japanese woman meets an American "shoot from the hip, straight shooter-- who tells it like it is"--frequently.
He thinks he's a wonder. She wonders how anyone could be that stupid.
Greeks had a word for this--"hyponoia"--the idea/thought underlying the linguistic surface. Chomsky's surface/deep structures/grammars was just a riff on ancient wisdom.
"Hyponoia" is just one of their indispensable "hypo-" words. Consider "hypo-thesis" (underlying thesis or position)--from which we get "under-stand"
Who thinks "Oh you shouldn't have" (given me such a nice present) is a rebuke?
8
"Who thinks 'Oh you shouldn't have' is a rebuke?"
I do.
2
Deborah, nice piece. But your words stimulated in me a memory with more serious implications.
My mother was direct to the point of tactlessness. I grew up thinking that directness was a virtue, though I did try to curb the tactlessness, albeit not always successfully. (I do hope this comment isn't one of those times!)
What I am remembering is something said by a student of mine in a philosophy class. The course was cross-listed with women studies, but it drew as many young men as it did young women.
The topic that night was rape. I don't remember the relevant philosophy papers, just the comment made in the discussion. It turned out that one of the students volunteered at a crisis center's hotline. He said that he had received calls in which female students said, "I think I've been raped, but I'm not sure."
Social mores at that time were such that boys were socialized to be aggressive, and girls were socialized to play games. But the whole topic of "date rape" and the current official default to "Both sides are to blame" makes me wonder. Are boys who are too sexually aggressive accustomed to dismissing girls' protestations as coyness? I'm old and out of touch, so it's not a rhetorical question. But the problem that my student raised, unknown to him, is that date rape was far too similar to what passed for consensual sex. I fervently hope this has changed. But my point is that a indirect "style" may not be what one wants to instill in one's children of either sex.
55
The line "her lips say no, but her eyes say yes" was all too common when I was young baby boomer. I hope most millenniel men have learned what garbage that is, but maybe not.
6
So true.
For good or ill, a mother’s sway on the human landscape is tectonic. Forty years after her death, I hear my mother’s voice when I feel an impulse toward impatience. Her motto was, “Be ye kind, tenderhearted” A tough act to follow in our nanosecond world. I appreciate a hospice chaplain’s comment that often the last word said by the dying – regardless of age – is, “Mommy.”
20
I suggest you look into Transactional Analysis. What you're talking about -- from a TA perspective -- is a script. What you learn to get along as a small, helpless child in your household. Thanks for a perceptive article.
4
Well, I am of Eastern European decent and get in trouble for my communication style all the time here in Texas, where one is expected to say the niceties before you say what you actually want/need to say, I basically forget to do that a lot and just want to express what it is I need to tell them.
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As a New Englander, I was confounded by this "style" of communicating while living in central NC. It always seemed so inefficient to me, having to chat for 5 minutes about the weather, or something equally boring, before you could tell the woman at the cleaners how much starch you wanted in the shirts. Another thing was that if you asked a direct question about whether an item or service was available, the answer could never be "Sorry, no." It was "I'd sure like to help you out." which I came to learn meant "No" without saying it outloud.
26
Stacey, don't worry about it. Seriously, just ignore it. I grew up in Texas, and both parents were born and raised in Texas. Both were blunt to the point of tactlessness (so I never had a chance!). But my mother got in trouble all the time because of it (interesting that my father did not). It rolled right off her back. Please don't buy into these highly stylized language maneuvers; if you do, you'll just make things harder for the next plainspoken person who comes along. My mother always had the same comeback when caught in an instance of supposed tactlessness, and you may want to repeat it to youself (or aloud) as a mantra: "Well I can't help it if it's true!"
4
Hahahahaha. I am from Texas, and what I find here on the East Coast is exactly the opposite--what we in the Lone Star State call 'mealy mouthed'. It's still a shock to realize I'm supposed to be concealing an agenda instead of just saying what I mean and meaning what I say.
7
I’ve had the privilege of watching my best friend’s children grow up since his youngest was about 6-months old (’94). As the adopted “Uncle” who is part of all holiday gatherings and special get-togethers, not only does my best friend help out with the meal preparation and all the men take care of cleaning up afterwards but, if it’s a BBQ/backyard cookout the roles are somewhat reversed.
Nonetheless, these are SHARED duties by the host/ess and guest/s.
7
That was a beautiful piece of writing. Thank you.
11
Brilliant column. My English Canadian mother explicitly taught me what she called the "codes" used in the culture in which she grew up, which seem to parallel those in Tamara's culture. My Russian Jewish-extraction husband is driven crazy when I expect him to pick up on what I regard as a watered-down version of such codes that I use when we attempt to entertain. I always thought he was just being dense on purpose. Thank you, Dr. Tannen!
12
Dr. Tannen, as always you help me clarify myself. You also helped me in teaching my students how to listen.
5
Deborah Tannen is so insightful in her books that it surprised me quite a bit that she could still have these sorts of misunderstandings with friends. As she says, women depend on friends with whom they can have deep conversations and find it horrible when these relationships go bad. The advice, implied, to talk to your friend about it is important, but I suspect that sometimes this is not enough. Maybe being proactive in talking about your speaking style before misunderstandings arise would be smart, but perhaps this is easier said than done. Really listening to others is so rare these days.
17
And maybe misunderstandings are an inevitable part of being finite, and being alone in your brain. Surely if there were a way to avoid them, my husband of 50 years and I would have found it! But noooo......
5
My mother is elderly but still alive. She has always used language to manipulate, deceive, bully and humiliate. I’ve spent most of my life consciously trying to be as different from her as possible. That includes silencing her voice in my mind and making sure I never echo it when interacting with others. People who have mothers they can fondly remember should appreciate how fortunate they are.
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Thank-you, Carson, for this. My sister and I, both in our 50's, just spent several grueling + frustrating months moving our 87 yr old Mom into a luxe assisted-living situation (after numerous falls)... before which we repaired + DIY did renovation on her neglected home to get top dollar for her when we sold it. This journey exposed her often-hidden true personality and WORDS of childishness, ingratitude, petulance, backstabbing and manipulation that had been buffered by enablers and minimizers for YEARS. What I wouldn't give for some GENUINE , from-the-heart words from my Mother.
5
I've combed the responses to this article for people like me that have been raised by two totally disfunctional parents-- father brutal alcoholic, mother depressive and anxious-- and have spent my life trying to undo the damage I've suffered that has left me as half a person, by that I mean, never really expressing myself to create a "me" that I want to become because we continue to create ourselves with every encounter. And what can you do when you don't want to mimic either parent and find that, unconsciously, you had adopted some of their traits. All I can say is that it's been hard, very hard for me.
3
Me too Carson, me too. Take care out there.
2
There's a saying that "When Mother cow chews cod, baby cow watches her mouth." In my case, I chose to watch Father cow's mouth since my mother has a pretty sharp tongue that was offputting to people. She once told my friend who had come from a distant place to attend my son's funeral last summer: "Wow, did you swallow a cow? If I didn't know that you're way past child-bearing age, I'd've thought you're expecting your 7th child."
Just because my mother did it that way, doesn't mean I have to do it that way too. My dad would've just said: "Thank you for coming from so far away."
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@may collins: My father died last April. When my sister sent our mother flowers the next month for Mother's Day, she received a thank-you card with the following handwritten note: "Thank you for the flowers. After seeing you at the funeral, I suggest you start shaving off all your hair and wearing wigs."
We all laughed. One of God's greatest gifts is a sense of humor.
1
How rude and out of place -- at any time, such a gratuitous insult is inappropriate, but especially at a solemn occasion.
BTW I think you meant to say "When Mother cow chews cud" -- ?
1
'Straight talkers' are not so 100%-of-the-time. And word weasels who most of the time are untrustworthy in what they say, sometimes surprisingly do mean what they just said. And people hear what they want to hear, regardless.
Human communication is mostly futile.
4
You don't have to be female or Jewish to appreciate this lovely article. This gay, male Texan knows exactly what you're talking about! Thank you.
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I was born in 1952, my father was born 1901 in and my mother in '12 so I was a late in life baby - very unusual for those days.
Having parents that everyone thought were grandparents had it's good side and bad, as did my friends whose parents were so young and seemed to me to be growing up with them.
My dad had been too young for WWI and too old for WWII but was in the merchant marines. They had been through the depression,, I grew up with people from the French Underground and others with amazing experiences in my living room, modern American history was my parents lives.
And momma. She imparted to me my love of books and nature and she was a font of momma'isms. Even though I was a hippy - I think she would have been had she grown up in my time - she continued to talk to me and I'm sure she thought I never heard a word she said. Both my parents died within 4 months of each other when I was 22.
When, after several other professional careers, I found myself teaching high school English, I imparted many things "my momma used to say", to my kids, and as I did, I could hear her voice "speaking through me".
My kids first groaned, but then looked forward to the things my momma used to say, many of them had none or that spoke to them. Sometimes they'd ask, what did momma say?
I won't bore you but the one I think is most reflective of her, and of value to my kids, and us all is - as momma used to say - "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard fight."
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Well said. I had a similar older mother, born in 1913 (and she was a late child from parents born during the Civil War!), and father born in 1915.
My mother's personal and world history was discussed orally to me growing up (maternal grandmother from Boston) attending Stanford School of Nursing from St. Paul, Minnesota and cheerful compassion and love of science and social justice ("rock hound" she called herself, and obtained a degree in geology at the age of 65 "for the hell of it") highly influenced me over the years.
Father was an electrical engineer and WWII captain in the Pacific for three years who came from a mining family in Colorado. He did not talk much, except about engineering and war experiences. Totally immersed in and focused on engineering. From him I learned to respect organization, science and the military.
Both gifted me with a longer view of history and a more expansive world view.
2
Tears filled my eyes at the conclusion of Ms. Tannen's piece. The Jewish anniversary of my mother's death starts this Sunday night. I discovered I channel some of her mannerisms, like dramatic presentations to try to change behavior, most of which never worked on me and, I have found, never work on my poor step son. It hit me suddenly one day that I had in some ways become her and also become my late father, whose death anniversary just passed last week. I tell them every day in my heart that I finally understand them and why they acted as they did. I hope somewhere, somehow they are hearing the words in my heart, they know how much they shaped who I am and they know how much I miss their presence. Thank you Deborah Tannen for writing what many of us have ourselves discovered - we are them in good part.
35
I feel much the same about my mother. I didn't have the opportunity to reach that point with my father, who died just as I moved out into the world for the firt time. Since my Mom's death 2 years ago, and oddly enough with the help of a brain injury, I have begun to understand his continuing influence in my life and in my reaction to others, including my husband and children. And I'm beginning to understand as you say, . . . I finally understand [him] and why [he] acted as [he] did." Thank you.
4
Sometimes my father, who has been dead for 27 years, speaks through my children, who are young adults and either knew him only in their very childhood or not at all. I treasure the moments when my son intones a turn a phrase in his deep voice that mimics something my dearly missed father would have said, because that tells me my Dad speaks through me, as well. Where else could my son have learned it? In a small way, for a moment, he's there with us.
29
I grew up in a house where we were direct speakers. Today I find that quite often I find that when I say something I have to follow it by saying "I meant that literally" lest there be confusion about my intention.
14
"The enemy of communication is the assumption that it has taken place." (not sure who said this)
Adding "honestly", "truthfully" or "I meant that literally" to request or statement can help clarify intention.
6
Except that many people say "literally" when they mean the opposite. I have heard my students say "...but he was literally dead to the world" .
1
I read Ms. Tannen's "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation" years ago. I've been a fan ever since, and have read everything of hers that I could find. Anyone reading her work will quickly recognize themselves and their family and friends depicted as being misunderstood, and misunderstanding - fascinating, funny, and poignant and spot on. Her work has changed, for the better, every relationship that I've since had.
Her work should be required reading for any couple, family member, friend, and student; scratch that - Anyone.
21
Me too! I cherish Dr. Tannen's work, and have given her book away to many people. It has been a great help in both my professional and private lives!
2
Amen!
1
Good article. Deborah Tannen mentions a reality that still contributes to misunderstanding and fractiousness in interpersonal relationships and in the world as a whole: directness versus indirectness. Indirect speakers can insult, malign, compliment, plead and hold forth in a way that allows others to discount them and allows them, if they must or if they choose, to insist that they were misunderstood. Gender-bias insists that women both communicate and hear others' communications with such sensitivity and indirectness that all communication can be discounted.
3
This is about so much more than finding ourselves speaking like our mothers. It's a reminder that both words and behavior can come from assumptions and history that we are unaware of. The biggest takeaway is Ms. Tannen's decision to discuss her reaction with her friend. I'm going to remember that!
49
My mother and grandmother drove me crazy with their speech habits and I vowed never to be like them. My grandmother would insist repeatedly that her food portion was too big, and would ask repeatedly if someone wanted it, then literally spoon it onto someone's plate even while they were objecting. Most restaurant portions are far too large for me. Initially I would offer it to someone else who had finished their meal thoroughly and quickly, but never repeat my offer. Now, I just leave the uneaten portion on my plate. My husband and kids know that I won't offer it, but they are welcome to ask for it.
8
on other other hand, but also from eastern europe, is the opposite...the sainted mother-in-law of a friend (witnessed here as an invitee to holiday meals) would, when she felt the moment right, sigh and say words like "well, it so nice to have us all together like this, let me just clear the table and..." the stampede to keep her at her ease was instantaneous and would have been the same had she said "...reshingle the roof."
when the dust settled, the dishes were done, kitchen counters cleared, refrigerator and pantry restored to order, trash cans set out at the curb...
19
There are snippets of both of my parents that escape from my mouth periodically but neither of them would recognize me today had they lived beyond middle age. I did not belong to my mother more than I didn't belong to my father. When I realized that she must have been autistic this explained a lot. I knew that she loved me but never really felt it. This makes feeling loved difficult today. It would be so much easier to be confused about who should clean the dishes, than to be confused about whether I am lovable. There is so much more than words to being human.
30
Insightful article. I can relate to Tannen's point about that different communication styles between friends can be very confusing and aggravating.
In my family honesty was - and is- considered a virtue! Other families consider it rude. My friends have called me an " agitator " when I say something true but something they don't want to hear. I have always found this confusing and tiresome - and have had to end relationships because of it.
My style of communication has been greatly influenced by my mother - I am proud of the courage she modeled for me - and have no intention of changing it anytime soon.
15
Oh I love ❤️ this article! Our Moms (and Grandmas) were our first teachers, so hearing them after they've left us, is a comfort zone. I'm a compete chatterbox like my mother was and 'the hostess who never sits' when entertaining, exactly as my maternal grandmother was... and I wouldn't change a thing!!
7
This is true no matter what your background is. We channel our parents, one way or the other. I find the older I get, the more true it is.
7
Is this gender specific? In other words Prof. Tannen's mother speaks through her, and on kitchen matters. Does her father also speak through her? And on what matters?
Would male speech give voice to one's father and not one's mother?
From what I can make out, Prof. Tannen's publications deal basically with the speech and conversation of women. I would be happy to know if she or anybody else has any thoughts on this.
Do I give voice to my mother or father? To both? Or to different parents based on gender specific activities (of the time)? Is this just a matter of linguistics?
9
I channel both parents, but my father more. And I'm one of those direct Eastern Europeans, and we were absolutely expected to hear things the first time, so nothing was said twice. My husband was raised by Southern women who took the trait of chattering to its highest form. He doesn't hear something the first, second or sixth time, probably in self defense. It only leaves a mark with extensive repetition, like a drip of water creating a channel on a hill in geologic time. It's a tribute to my mother's legendary patience that our marriage has survived 30 years!
16
I wondered something similar. My question was not about speech acts so much as behavior. My mother was a consummate worrier, and I chided her about it often while growing up. Now an adult, I spend way too much time worrying--about my students (until I retired), about savings, about my partner's health, about climate change, about the state of the Union . . .
4
Prof. Tannen's most well known book is You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in conversation... so she really does not just focus on women. If you haven't read this book, BTW, I could not recommend it more strongly. Everyone I know who has read it- male or female - found they could relate. In fact it was a man who recommended it to me, after he AND his wife found it illuminating.
7
I am told by my wife, who is Korean American, that in Korean culture, in particular settings, when one has gone over to another person's home and is invited to eat, one must politely decline twice, and accept only after the third invitation. To accept the invitation too quickly is seen as being impolite (greedy and crass?). To refuse to eat after the third invitation would be extremely impolite, practically insulting (everyone realizes the first two "no's" are ritualistic, apparently). Americans tend to be much more direct and utilitarian with their use of language, but there are exceptions (the Movie "Diner" shows interaction
among Jewish teenagers in the 50's in Baltimore, and one of the characters is driven to distraction when his friend always asks, "Are you done with your fries?" when he really means, "Can I have your left over french fries?"). Pierre Bourdeau has analyzed the table manners of the French bourgoisie and lower classes, and notes that among the bourgoisie it is imperative that meals must be eaten according following prescribed sequence (a piece of cake must be served on a plate and at at a properly set table), the message being that rushing to serve food implies rude or greedy behavior on the part of the host/guest; whereas among the lower class more impromptu arrangements may be made (e.g., handing a guest a piece of cake on a paper napkin implies the guest is being treated intimately, like one of the family, and this is meant as a complement).
45
Hence, we have the expression "French service" to indicate a meal in which each course is served separately, in turn, and each food item constitutes an entire course. Not for those on a short lunch hour.
There it is again: "the confusion caused when one speaker means words literally and the other thinks they are hinting at something else". Ms. Zito identified the literal/figurative dichotomies during the Trump 2016 campaign.
9
Mm. I am wondering whether the author's mother would approve of her daughter rudely restraining a guest.
Perhaps she might have told her that the time to discuss this was the next time she saw her friend, rather than making her friend feel she had transgressed as a guest in her home, when--really--she was just trying to help.
The telling moment here is the sentence about her friend trying to be a 'co-host.' This isn't really about helping or not helping. It's about control.
As the daughter of a Russian Jewish mother, I know something about that myself, but treating a guests graciously is something I was taught, too.
7
Mmm, I think "control" is too strong -- nobody was on a power trip.
2
They're very good friends of long standing. If they didn't know each other so well, it would be rude, but between old friends and done with humor, it seems perfectly fine to me.
2
"Co-host" popped out at me too. -- But on the other hand, sometimes helpers create more work, putting the to be hand washed china in the dishwasher or putting things in places in the refrigerator where I don't find them until the "use by" date has expired.
1
Earlier I was thinking of my mother, before reading correspondence of the day and wondering now at being a witness to her life in death unraveling. A friend lost came to the surface in a message to tell me that her mother had died this June last. She lived to a great age and descended into dementia like mine, leaving behind two unmarried daughters who loved her, bringing them closer together.
Frivolous, with a scientific mind and the looks of Vivian Leigh, my mother had a passionate affair with an American from Dominica, the island devastated now by a hurricane and the Prime Minister has issued a call for help. She would also have been highly distressed to hear that her grandfather, a confederate soldier under Robert E. Lee was now deemed a traitor to his Country.
But Fair Stood The Wind for France, for in the countryside not far from Paris she is now at rest beside her husband and his ancestor, the childhood friend of Alexis de Tocqueville, they were to correspond on whether Democracy could work in America.
Her son, the child of the first bed, has described her as a lazy intellectual. But she had courage. Courage that we do not have. In the end, she gave us life and everything. In return, we gave her little. She is gone now. It is never quite the same without her presence.
Ode to our Mothers, and thanking Ms. Tannen for writing with heart and love.
8
Yes, many of us still hear our mother's voices. You are fortunate that yours is a loving one.
55
Thank you for sharing this. It resonated deeply with me. I lost my 93 year old mother last April. During the past 10 years I have written often of my mother and her life-stealing dementia. I see her now in moments that come unexpectedly. I hear her humming Softly to herself. She is still with me and that brings, for me, both heartache and warmth.
64
This article touched off a forgotten memory for me. I was raised in a strict Italian immigrant family in Brooklyn. I was taught that, if you are offered a desert or sweet, you should politely decline, until you are offered it several times more. Then, you accept and say "thank you." This worked fine in the homes of my parents' "paesanos" who understood this protocol and lived it. However, once I started going into the homes of non-Italians and I was offered a desert only once, and, once I declined and it wasn't offered again, I went hungry. I learned a great cultural lesson. We are all "imprinted" with many messages around food and social events that last long after their usefulness ends.
59
Such a lovely essay- it reminds us that our parents stay with us as we interact with the world. Then we pass them on to our children- and they, and we, stay with them. That is real immortality.
10
Such a wonderful insight. One which can strengthen and deepen relationships with others and understanding oneself.
10
The flip side is that once-in-a-while I recoil in horror when I realize I’ve said something to one of my children (as children and as adults) that is exactly something my mother said that I swore I would never, ever utter. Luckily, they usually laugh and call me by a rather perjorative family nickname for my mother.
26
I find that some folks are imitators and some reactors. It seems that the writer is an imitator channeling her mother. For some, childhood & youth are times of listening, seeing, and vowing never to be like what they observe. Some of the latter may, indeed, turn out more like mom and/or dad than they think, but others will be the polar opposite of who that parent was.
50
I agree. And I'm struck by the consistently positive, benefit-of-the-doubt lens through which Tamara and her mother's behavior were interpreted. Is this a result of Mom's influence, too?
6
We imprint & model after the same sex parent closest to us when we are very young developmentally. It is how we learn to be human.
Being oppositionally defiant occurs at a later stage & still infers an interior "voice" learned in infancy & pre-school years from which to oppose - usually in adolescence & young adulthood.
3
Depends on the case. Although female, I imprinted and modeled on my father in most ways.
3
Love this column! My three sisters and I take great pleasure in pointing out at various times that one of us sounded "just like Mom". Our love for our late, beloved mother is our greatest bond.
30
Thank you for a wonderful article, especially poignant because it is the day before Rosh Hashana when I try to channel as much of my mother as possible. I use her words with my children, her recipes in my cooking and her eyes while setting the yonif (holiday) table. But I miss her every day and more so now. Shana tova to one and all.
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