Don't keep score.
122
Barbra Striesand’s advice for a happy marriage: Be kind to each other. Kindness.
75
Bring your partner a cup of coffee. Or a cup of tea. Especially if you are looking for a moment of marital fun.
50
I like the comment advising avoidance of emotional disorders.
Here's another one: don't have low self-esteem. And if you do, don't take it out on your partner.
Finally, following an NYT recommendation earlier this week, avoid toxic people.
The last part's easy. Especially if you do it together.
24
Anyone who needs to improve their relationship--whether or not married--should read and re-read the following books. Anyone who is considering a committed relationship should also read them. Get two copies -- one for each partner. Discuss each chapter and how it applies to you individually and as a couple. Learn and grow together and have a wonderful relationship. If you have a wonderful relationship, these books will help to ensure it continues.
Love is Never Enough - by Aaron Beck
Passionate Marriage - by David Schnarch
16
We married almost 30 years ago and we promised each other we would never, ever, EVER, argue about money. We went through some very rough financial times - in fact, we were dirt poor for a few years - but we are financially whole again and prospering. We have had other arguments and downright fights but never about money. Early on in our relationship we heard that most divorces are over money so we made our deal. At times it meant that one of us had to bite our tongue but we always made a practice of discussing money issues this way: First, out of the house in a neutral space. We would prepare a picnic and sit down at a park, eat and discuss the money issue. To this day we say that our vow to never fight about money has been one of the main reasons we have stayed together. If it could work for us, it can work for anyone. As far as "love hacks," you can keep them. I like cleaning hacks and do-it-yourself hacks but when it comes to love, it feels a bit ridiculous to say there is a hack for that too.
71
Excellent advice.
10
We have very deliberately avoided a lot of money arguments by living somewhat beneath our means, even when we were first starting out and had very little. We lived in a really shabby apartment building (but livable, and in a safe area) while one of us was finishing school. A relative offered to LOAN us money so we could live in a nicer place. Nope.
This means none of the arguments caused by running out of money before running out of month, and whose spending caused it.
31
I wish I had done this when I married (and later divorced). But problems with money are the same as everything else, they are rooted in a difference of perspective that is often hard-wired and resistant to change. If you are lucky enough to see things basically the same, then simple things can make it even better. Otherwise, you simply have to admit, "it is what it is" and move on.
25
Warning to those married less than 30 years: the person you are married to will just be "more of" what you have today. If that's all good, well, good for you. But if that person tends to be self-centered, unkind, unfaithful, lazy, boring, cranky or mean...be prepared for more of that, on steroids. No matter how much Dr. Finkel thinks your gestures of affection will be reciprocated, it's never long term.
135
I vote for "shortcuts," or "ideas" or "tips" to replace the tired and overused "hacks."
123
My wife and I get fully naked when we disagree. Works everytime.
105
Meaning what? You agree?
18
After centuries of divorce, the leading cause is still marriage.
119
"Don't jump to bad conclusions," sounds like sterling advice to me. Slowing down and listening wouldn't be a bad idea. Finally not measuring each other's worth by a performance standard might just be of help. Any other thoughts are welcomed as this marriage thing can be hazardous or delightful. We all prefer the latter as much as possible. Don't we?
35
Weekly date night? Are these people smoking dope? Forget date night, since having two kids, my wife and I barely have the time & energy to have a private conversation or a conversation to plan anything including some sort of vacation. We don't have any close family or other support whatsoever but we do have each other's love, respect and understanding. It sure does keep us going but there is nothing fun or kinky about it.
57
Reconsider your fixed belief that you and your spouse can't muster the energy or time for date night. It matters, and it is good for your kids to see you value your relationship separate from your role as parents. My parents had 5 kids and they went out one weekend night a week no matter what. They had little money but they found a 99 cent theater. I took my mom's advice on this to heart, and my husband and I went out every weekend through all the years of child-raising even though we were tired and could easily have defaulted to staying home. Side benefit: it's healthy for kids to learn it's not always about them 24/7.
146
Couldn't agree more. My parents had eight children, little money and insisted on a sometimes weekly (more often every two weeks) "this is mum and dad's time so get out of the house or go to your bedroom" break. Usually it was with a bottle of cheap red wine; just one, on a Friday evening. We have just two kids and have done the same since they were 8 and 10. We call it happy hour, same thing; one bottle of red wine. Our kids have learned that we need time together and they appreciate that and have even instilled that in their relationships. It works. Kids are very quick to learn. Discipline works and does not have to be heavy handed. I know kids are a lot of work; one of ours has a motor to rival a dragster, but she still understood that for a few hours a week she had to idle and let mum and dad have time alone.
61
Who says date night has to be out of the house? Pick a night of the week, put the kids to bed early, watch a movie together, or talk, then get naked. Stay up a little late if you need to. Do this every week (with exceptions only for illness, travel, etc.) "Date night" is just about taking a little alone time. And sex. My marriage hack? Make time for sex. It doesn't have to be spontaneous, it doesn't have to be super romantic or kinky or adventurous or anything like that. But do it, and commit to doing it, and don't let what was (hopefully) a great feature of your pre-kids marriage fade away from neglect. Speaking as a woman and a mom, although the energy and interest level may ebb and flow with time and circumstances, I never regret making the time for it, and my husband is much happier.
91
We dated for 10 months, got married at 25, now married 29 years, a 24 yo son and a 20 yo daughter and many ups and downs and we still love each other. Love change as it matures. So many want the highs of first love and forget that a solid relationship will have lots of ups and downs moments. In my opinion, the trick is riding out the downs and realizing that every day isn't going to be a romance filled novel. Works for us, but people and couples are different.
48
My secret to 37 years of a happy marriage, and counting: I look in the mirror every morning and say, "You're no prize either."
381
I love this!
39
As our 31st anniversary approaches in less than a week, I can say that we’ve been doing these things all along. It seemed automatic from the start. Don’t be afraid to live your own separate lives. It keeps things interesting. Do your best to live a healthy lifestyle. And perhaps most of all, live within your means.
57
We do all of those things. Probably why we're celebrating 37 years together, 32 married, this Spring.
19
That is all very nice but there are men who will lye, cheat and steal for 25 years, swear they still love you when you point at the door and they marry someone else the day the divorce is granted to have a roof over their head.
He has been dead for 12 years now and I sure miss him, he was funny, smart, and despite all of his faults a nice guy to have around.
And he was a Democrat!
19
Don’t discuss anything important when you’re hungry or tired. Hubby and I learned that in our church’s pre-marital counseling. It’s held us in good stead for 40 years.
60
The more free, people become, the more people want to take up those freedoms. The internet, social media and society as a whole has literally, tapped into the pleasure centers, of human beings, by putting sex in the minds, hears and computer screens of all of us.
As a mental health professional, I see this as an issue that is the proverbial “Pandora’s Box”. of human identity. Sexuality is so much a part of all of us, It connects people in meaningful ways. As society evolves in the way ours has, it weakens and undermines the traditional ways that people view marriage.
In some ways, this can be seen as a normal evolution, as part of the sexual revolution of the 60’s and 70’s. On the other hand, in doing this, we have victimized children of couples, who one person or another, chooses to practice infidelity.
People need to understand this as such, and maybe rethink the idea of marriage.
11
Tired of seeing articles about couples. How about some articles about being alone and dealing with that? A much bigger problem for a huge swath of humanity, young and old.
125
So, church is now as passé as garden clubs? Hmmm. Now there’s your problem.
15
Jim....Marx got it right, religion is the opiate of the masses.
Don't get me wrong, if you don't abuse religion it is like drinking two glasses of wine, very nice.
If you go over that and abuse it, you get the dark ages, abusive priests, the horror in the Middle East today etc. etc.
All church is, is a "drinking club" for like minded marriage people. Nothing wrong with it but doesn't help or hurt your marriage.
Learn from history or forever be condemned to repeat its worst aspects...
45
I’m much more likely to belong to a Garden Club than a church.
48
Come come now Stephanie, there is nothing wrong with either if you don't abuse them.
The problem with religious clubs abuse probably.
The problem with garden club abuse is near zero.
20
I can sum it up in one sentence.
Don't be a neurotic or have a personality disorder.
40
Many people look to their partners to replace the companionship and emotional support once provided, not only by families and social groups, but by their former friends that are now only seen in the rear view mirror. Americans tend to have this weird notion that couples can only associate with other couples, that any/all singles in their midst are a 'threat', and that if their partner has friends of the same gender/sexual persuasion as the partner they are currently with, that that is 'inappropriate', and fodder for gossip and suspicion. Yet among people who are a bit more educated, and open-minded, these rigid notions of how couples 'should' behave is not as prevalent. When I hear of a bunch of couples going on vacation together, I always wonder why it's so common. It seems couples think that's just what couples do...socialize with other couples. Supposedly their all being couples gives them something 'in common', yet most of the time one half of each couple is utterly bored or irritated with the other couples their own mate has chosen to be the couple's 'friends'. How utterly predictable. And boring.
46
‘Women. Can’t live with ‘em.’ Drunk tank scene with actor Chris LLoyd speaking. The beauty of marriage is getting past the transactional same-sex relationships of hunting/killing, tea/doll parties, and getting on to the deeper tapestry of relationships that work/don’t work but should be kept and made better. I think this man/woman thing has a future.
7
Can we please ban the term “hack”?
201
This article is overly-simplistic, as were the first 30 responses I read. (After which I quit.)
Many men are narcissists, and/or expect unconditional love. In either event, and regardless of their contributions to the relationship, these guys require unrealistic degrees of stroking to remain invested in a marriage. Enter the Other Woman, who doesn’t pick up his socks or endure his put-downs, but whispers to him, You are the Man. The lawfully-wedded wife doesn’t stand a chance.
To paraphrase Scotty, married once, shame on you. Married twice, shame on me. There will be no 3rd effort.
36
Hmmm... I guess I'd say...if the type of man you allude to seems to be the type of man you tend to find yourself with, I think you need to consider 'yourself', and what it is about you that attracts such men. For other of us hetero women, we do not find such blanket statements about men to be appropriate nor the case.
But as with most people, it's far easier to say that the others are all 'this or that', versus your having to consider that maybe 'you' are part of the problem, and the one thing that all these 'narcissistic' men had in common.
35
Blame the victim approach.
19
"When your partner tells you about something that went right in his or her day, get excited about it."
I do this one. I usually say something like, "hey, that's great news! We should get naked and celebrate!"
Of course, she says she'd rather I just bake her a pie or some scones. And so, I push my deflated....ego...to the side, and I bake. (Can't take the chef out of the boy, apparently.)
But once she eats some of that sweet potato pecan pie, or the raspberry galette, or the coconut-cherry scones, then she gets a bit frisky.
I believe she's taking advantage of me though.
It's a tough life.
167
Haha. Want sex? Do the laundry, clean the toilets, regularly. Don’t keep score. Works.
121
I liked all the tips in the article. I think a big part of making marriage work, though, is simply trusting in each other and the future.
My husband and I got engaged as teenagers, had a five year engagement and have been married nearly twenty years now. There were times in our relationship when little changes — “relational” things — would help. But there was a huge five year period when the economy was shot, elderly relatives needed care, both our little kids were having problems, our house was leaking in every way and on and on. My husband ended up working hundred hour weeks to keep us afloat and moving forward in our lives. I did everything else — including mowing the lawn and the finances. We both felt unappreciated. We were both exhausted. What got us through was simply the ability to endure — and (usually) optimism that things would improve in the future.
I’m so glad we stayed married. He’s my best friend and hot lover again, now that we have a little time ;)
I see comments here that people split up because of political differences, or boredom, or verbal insults. We went through all that (passionate political fights esp.) — as well as disagreeing on careers, his feeling unseen, and my feeling misunderstood. Yet sticking in there made me a broader minded person. It is also gave my kids married parents and let us remain financially solvent. Sometimes in doing something for practical reasons we can grow more than we ever though possible as people.
135
I've heard it said that love is a choice, and I think it is for most people. There are some couples who seem to have the romantic love we all dream about, but they are pretty rare, and as often as not, it is not the same level for both of them. And just as some of the seemingly happiest people to the public view are actually very sad to those who know them, some of the seemingly happiest marriages by appearances are among the saddest, once you see inside. A lot of it is about forgiveness for slights, our own ability to be content and a good sense of humor. For me and the woman I'm with 27 years it is also about space. Both of us want it and give it to the other.
33
Great article. I particularly agree with the "Don't Jump to Bad Conclusions" section, but think it could be renamed: "Don't attack the person, deal with the behavior or problem."
One of the things my wife and I have always tried to is when we are upset at each other to focus on the behavior or action that upset us rather than attribute the behavior to a permanent character flaw. I grew up around several very unhappy couples and one of the things I noticed is they seemed to always attack the person in arguments rather than dealing with the actual behaviors that bothered them. The former sounds like contempt and does little to resolve a situation. The latter allows for a conversation and compromise.
44
Two things:
Never take one another for granted and say,"I love you" at the beginning and ending of each day.
15
My partner and I do all these hacks on a daily basis without realizing it. I think it means we love each other. I keep telling my partner that I love him, he is perfect, and I want to marry him. We hold hands constantly. He seems to glow.
Common sense, but it works.
23
For us, flexibility is important, and humor. The solution? One of us says "you can be right or you can be happy." And even before it escalates to that point, asking myself if the issue is even worth fighting about. Most things aren't, but it may be worth a walk around the block or just reading my favorite Mary Oliver poem.
20
Boy, I sure could have used this article earlier tonight before my fiancé and I had a pretty ridiculous argument. Good times.
39
LOVE HACKS WORK!
Our favorite is just saying, "I love you" to everybody in the family about 4 or 5 times a day.
That one works like a charm.... and people really start loving each other!
Daryl
Daryl's Roadside Honor System Vegetable Stand and Dairy Produce
11
How about listening? That seems to work best.
27
I like these hacks, and others in the comments. My two cents: It's important to give your partner the time and space to pursue her individual interests, and entirely reasonable to ask the same for yourself. My wife (of 35 years) and I do our own things at opposite ends of our loft apartment. We recently bought a pair of walkie-talkies so we can check in with each other from time to time. Old tech, but works well.
PS: "Joint self-actualization vacations" sent me into paroxysms of laughter. What a truly awful idea!
29
If you have to depend on advice from others 'how to fix your marriage" all your relationships - marriage including - are beyond redemption.
7
And if you judge others so divisively; you’re like a miserable human being.
42
About the illustration: yes, it is 2018. I am still in the kitchen and proud of it. This was a joyful and beautiful illustration, I thought- reminiscent of 1950's children's books, and it brought a lightheartedness to the article that I appreciated. The artist, Pawel Mildner, a Polish artist, does many in this style.
10
I've no doubt that many couples look to their partners to replace the companionship and emotional support that was also provided by.... friends! I continue to be stupefied at how many couples become so internally-focused ('us', 'we'), to the detriment of their friends and their relationships with friends.
Oh, those who are guilty of this behavior will offer up a litany of defensive retorts, such as 'I just like spending time with him/her' or 'well, they are my best friend' or 'how do you expect me to behave...he/she is my partner after all'? And so on.
Americans are an odd lot in many ways, and this is also evidenced in how many couples think they 'should' conduct themselves. Couples generally tend to socialize with other couples. Similarly, families with young children will socialize with other families with young children. In all these instances they will say that they simply 'have more in common with them' (simply because of their relationship/family status). And how often do we hear of multiple couples all vacationing together, again, because I guess the very fact that they are all 'couples' means they have something in common? No one wants to talk about the fact that often one half of the couple finds the other halves utterly boring or obnoxious, but goes along with the coupledom outings, if only because, well, that's just what couples do.
At the core, many American couples are grossly insecure and feel the need to 'cling' and 'protect from outside enemies'.
20
Perhaps you are correct- but what of they truly like and respect each other? Impossible for you to imagine? Americans are an odd lot? You sound boorish and small minded.
10
The most important thing - at least for a certain type of people - is being interesting. I divorced my first husband, even though he was a kind and attentive person, because after 10 years together we literally had nothing to say to each other. Boredom kills love more efficiently than anything else. I am now married to a fascinating and highly intelligent man and we never run out of topics to discuss. We are both professionals and both have interesting stories to share about our respective fields. If you make your marriage your entire life, chances are you will lose it.
28
I've always had cats and one in particular was naturally un-affiliative. I had to go out of my way to make contact with her, and when I did, she was affectionate and sometimes even sought contact. If I forgot to approach her regularly, she quickly reverted to her solitary ways. My partner is exactly the same way as that cat, & I use exactly the same strategy. It seems to be helpful.
40
Alone time is also important. Let’s face it we all get on each other’s nerves sometimes. That can easily lead to petty bickering and bigger rows. A solitary walk, a solo shopping trip or a movie on my own works wonders. I’m ready and excited to see my partner again.
31
a shared second shift aka household chores and childrearing would eliminate most arguments.
27
Two interesting people keep a relationship interesting. That is, when each individual in a marriage or relationship continue to learn and grow who they are – and pursue some interests of their own – they bring that interest and newness back into their relationship; what had us fall in love with one another in the first place…was who we were as separate individuals.
My love hacks would be 1.) Continue to pursue what you’re interested in, if only in small ways 2.) Develop your ability to set aside all distractions and really pay attention to your partner when you are together 3.) Whenever you’ve been apart from one another, whether during the work day or an extended period of time, greet your partner with a heartfelt smile to let them know you are happy to see them they are of value to you 4.) Step away from the technology 5.)Love you well. 6.) If you cannot put these hacks in place, get some help from a coach, therapist, or other professional.
We cannot share what we do not possess. How well you love you and value you - holistically, not narcissistically – determines how well you are able to love and value others. That’s because when you love and value you, you are sharing love with others, not giving or taking.
129
This is awesome!! I love the way you put this. Definitely applying these principles to my love life.
12
WONDERFUL ideas!
Thanks
6
Wonderful!
3
Something else that still works: 'please' and 'thank you' for stuff.
She thanks me for cooking, I thank her for cleaning up afterward.
She thanks me for shopping, I thank her for a clean set of sheets.
Please and Thank You are two of many lubricants for a smooth life.
251
I see that there are a few negative comments about the accompanying illustration, in particular the little kid with the feather. It might be good to bear in mind the possibility that when kids play at being native Americans it is because they think that they are 'cool'. I am a woman in my seventies and as a child in England would sometimes play the now politically incorrect 'cowboys and Indians', I would only play if I could be one of my heroes...an Indian. It maybe stereotyping but it may also reflect a positive attitude to native Americans, it is a bad idea to assume that such a portrayal is always negative. Why do little girls dress as princesses on Halloween night? Because the love princesses, maybe the little kid dressed as an 'Indian' feels the same way about native Americans.
48
Lope,
The problem isn't necessarily that there are positive and negative portrayal of Native Americans, it's that the portrayals are false regardless. Stuff like this feeds the long, but strong, mythology Americans have constructed about Native people. Cowboys and Indians, "cool" Indians, and noble, of-the-land savage tropes define Native people before we have a chance to define ourselves based on our true heritage and identities. What might just be child's play really does lay deep roots; many Americans don't even know we exist, much less that there are 572 distinct tribes and some of those having two or three distinct peoples within it.
Kids with false ideas grow up to be adults with false ideas. A Supreme Court justice wrote that "every schoolboy knows the savage tribes were deprived of their lands by force" in a Supreme Court opinion. That's not even close to being the truth--but it is what our myths say.
13
And I love intelligent responses. Good thinking! Thank you.
7
Yes. I remember the sane argument proffered when I was a freshman at Stanford: “What insult?!? We’re honoring you by making you our mascot. Honoring you!!!”
6
I tell my kids: “it’s easy to be mean and it’s hard to be kind - and I expect you to work hard.” I have struggled for decades trying to live this mantra. Childhood wounds and a lack of good role models has been tough to overcome. Wanting to give my kids the best and strongest emotional base has inspired me to push myself harder than I would have otherwise to develop my reflective and self responsibity skills and be as kind as possible. My kids and wife benefit. I benefit from wonderful relationships, a happy family and being proud of myself instead of ashamed. These love hacks are great tips. Thank you
78
My brother-in-law says it’s free to be kind.
11
In a world where you can be anything, be nice!
8
RE: "Don't jump to bad conclusions"
It's good to keep this in mind, especially with those who do not agree with one's political persuasions or leanings.
During discussions, I will often feel irrationally angry at family members who do not agree with my political leanings. What helps? Repeat the mantra: "I care about this person, even if I don't agree with them."
48
Tragically, in my case, given the level of criminal vulgarity and elemental indecency that is the hallmark and enduring legacy of this racketeering administration and its defenders, I have no mantra left but, “I can no longer respect this person whatever our connection. It is time to sever”.
And the severances came. And went.
And I’m glad they’re gone with their Neanderthal social concepts of women, gays, science, religion.
It came to a place of no more compromise possible. You either have standards or you don’t. You’re either a basically decent person or you’re not. You either accept science and empirical facts as reality or you live in a bubble of ignorant delusions.
It is not “irrational” to be angry or to “disagree” with those invested in every way possible towards the disenfranchisement of a huge swath of Americans from having a voice, and who delusionally feel themselves entitled to a separate set of legal rules.
It’s not called “jumping to conclusions” when you have facts and science on your side over blind bigotry and a slavish idolatry of the monied class.
I, for one, am much relieved with the absence of those doggedly ignorant people I had convinced myself, once upon a time, could be excused for their “opinions” and essentially cowardly need to feel above others.
No more. They are willfully viscious, and stand for a social order I cannot for the life of me consider a noble vision for America and her children.
I jumped. They’re gone. No regrets.
110
Yes! I feel exactly the same way and am emphatically unapologetic about it.
3
Yo Rene:
Just as everything does not have t be about food, everything does not have to be about the Donald!
Daryl
Daryl's Roadside Honor System Vegetable Stand and Dairy Produce
9
The one about don't jump to bad conclusions I've heard expressed another way which is to always start from a place of "assuming good will" unless you have real evidence to the contrary.
This is one I think applies in all relationship types, partners, coworkers, friends, children and even strangers on the street. When they do/say something that might irritate you, assume that it wasn't meant to irritate and rather assume that it was unintentional or even a misunderstanding on your part. It's especially important to apply that thinking in electronic communications where people frequently "hear" a antagonistic "tone" even when none was intended.
87
At work, we call this "assume positive intent" and made it one of our values. It made a huge difference in the way we interpret responses from co-workers.
45
All of these were helpful
17
I found the article interesting and helpful. I have a spouse who frequently drops off the radar. I am going to cut out this article to remind myself that it is about him, not about me when he disappears. There is always an answer as to why he didn't respond over and above the fact that he is just not a good correspondent when he is away.
With regard to the illustration, Oy! A white family, the kid playing "Indian" and the mother stuck in the kitchen with the dishes. NYT illustration editors...this is 2017...get with the program. E
37
Good luck. If my spouse periodically disappeared, he’d come back to changed locks.
9
That’s funny, I saw the illustration as the woman in an office with a computer screen and a stack of papers with her coffee cup balanced precariously.
3
There are still white families where the woman likes to cook the man does not (but likes to fix the washer motor) and children who like to play pretend whatever...and not ALL of them are evil.
12
This all assumes that atleast one partner is good at creating healthy boundaries and is clear about how they want to be treated and both are trying to act like adults Partners can exploit the goodwill of each other so no amount of touching or "I love yous" can fix serial lack of consideration or self absorption.
42
Al Franken, his Harvard Class Day speech: "Every couple goes through a decade when they hate each other. Anyone that tells you otherwise is either lying to you, lying to themselves, or has married someone that is Really Fabulous."
48
Ridiculous. We have been married 35 years and have not had even a year where we hated each other, let alone a decade. I feel sorry for Franken if this is how he has experienced marriage.
3
Why on earth would anyone spend even a month in this state of partnership? If people are willing to settle for this they deserve the life they get. Marriage is ridiculous!
2
Fascinating article, and series of comments!
As a psychiatrist/therapist, I have dealt with these issues in my clinical practice for 35 years. And, in my home life, I have tried to make an unworkable marriage work for 25 years, and am now in my second marriage of 10 years. I think I can safely say, that these hacks are helpful IF both people are truly commited to the relationship and one another. That does not mean it always goes well, or is easy, but there has to be a fundamental investment in the union, and a real desire to make it work.
Willingness to apologize, and say I love you, even in moments when it feels hard....are key!
75
I agree- remember the person who cares less about the relationship has much more power over things...
10
Is there a definitive answer for what love is ?
Hopefully not or love becomes a commodity.
2
I say to my wife, "Thanks, Honey." She asks, "For what?" I say, "FOR EVERYTHING."
69
But once in a while it would be nice if you rhapsodized about how great she looks or how cleverly she worked something out or-- well, you know best. If you always say "EVERYTHING" there may be times she might suspect you weren't paying attention. Just a thought. You sound like a nice person to be married to.
40
You are wonderful. I hope your wife appreciates how lucky she is. I recommend your approach wholeheartedly.
8
Married 48 years. It’s okay to say I’m sorry and your right I was wrong. But the most important thing is to tell your partner that you love them.
55
Great advice. Learning to apologize is a real skill. Though I do not care for him, I heard Dr. Phil once say: Do you want to be right or do you want to be married? I try to keep this in mind when I feel like winning is becoming too important. And lucky for me, I married a fantastic man who is my best friend; but even great marriages still require work and attention.
38
I assume you mean "you're right and I was wrong". "Your right" has a completely different and, I hope, incorrect meaning.
11
Together 40 years, married 34, all blissfully. Quick hack? Just three words... "You're absolutely right." And for inner peace, just three more... "Enjoy the show!"
42
Some people just aren't cut out for marriage. I count myself in that group, after one soul crushing marriage of 20 years. All these suggestions make my skin crawl, but that's probably because I'm applying them in a situation that felt toxic to me. I can see where they might work in a fundamentally healthy relationship. I'm blissfully happy living alone with two dogs, and have never been tempted to attempt a serious love relationship again; in fact that scenario is my only recurring nightmare.
57
I'm sorry you had to go through 20 years worth.
As I read through the list my skinned crawled too. As I read through the comments, yours caught my eye quickly because of the length of time you were married. My marriage is ending after 25 years.
My skin crawled because we both did most of what's on this list however, he was a serial cheater and this time it stuck, as in he had been planning on leaving me. So when I found out I didn't give him the chance. I put him out. Weight off my shoulders. What I hate is that I allowed myself to be test-driven for 25 years. I loved him dearly, too much as a matter of fact. Lesson learned.
I've gotten myself and my time and my life back.
The funny part is he's mad because I said no thanks to a friendship. It's zero contact after the papers are signed aside from any necessary legal stuff. Other than that, he's to stay out of my realm. I took my power back.
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Just like a Trumper, you fired him but he said he quit, after you did the firing…. Kind of topsy-turvy but you get the idea.
3
Save yourself by not hating- there is no other way.
11
Seems to me that most of these approaches could help one to improve "bumpy" relationships of many kinds-- family members, those who disagree with us politically, perhaps? (Okay, maybe I'm not quite ready to launch into a big hug there, but I could listen and look for the best in others, and celebrate those times when we do see each other better.)
18
I do most of these things - and enjoy our 26 year relationship every day.
I'll toss in one experience/tip tho' - I knew an immigrant father, working hard to build his business, complain to me he was worried about his 12yo daughter (her mother overseas) starting to go off the rails - saying he didn't know why she didn't understand that everything he did, working so hard, coming home late at night, was all for her benefit. He said his daughter was starting to get angry and talk back - not usual in his culture.
I told him - she's alone at home, she doesn't see you - what's her default thought ? - He doesn't care about me !
So I said 'try this - when you walk in and first see her at the end of the day, sit down and just say this - "how was your day ... ?" - Stop, say Nothing, Wait and Just Listen. Let her talk without interruption. After she's let off steam she will probably automatically feel better about you, and feel that you care about her - because you listened.
I didn't see him for about 6 weeks - after which he invited me to an expensive lunch - with his daughter - they both looked very happy - he thanked me for saving his relationship - he said was now completely changed - his daughter was happy and back on track and everything was good.
So I suspect the ego problem of always wanting to speak or have the last word - if you can put that back in the box, and just sit silently and listen without saying anything - you can change a relationship in one step !
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This is interesting, thank you! I also believe that there is an important point in your story - greetings are important! Greet each other after being apart, really take a moment to be warm and affectionate. It makes a difference!
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Cate you are right. I was in a relationship where my partner greeted me the same if I had been gone for three hours or three weeks. He was very neutral and never acted like he missed me. In fact in the years we were together, only once did he ever say he missed me. Sadly, it was a factor in the demise of our relationship.
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Your last paragraph is very telling : the ego problem !
Always wanting to be speaking or have the last word.
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The advice is almost exactly the same as how to care for a child and make it feel loved and cherished. Maybe too many screens in our lives? Actually pay attention to the "other," and if it is loving attention and attentive attention ( yes I know, hyperbole) the response is appreciation, which is the whole point of having a relationship, imho.
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I was married for nearly 20 years to a narcissist (diagnosed by military doctors), a high ranking military officer educated at West Point. He had zero empathy for anyone including me, his ex-wife or daughters.
When he retired from the military to our small home in Hawai’i, he refused to work, instead he got his MS and PhD in IT. I worked three jobs and cared for his two daughters from a previous marriage.
I tried everything to make our marriage happy. I clipped out articles from women’s journals. Asked my colleagues for advice. Even enabled his drug and alcohol addictions--once risking my MD license I bought a dime bag of Maui Wowie in Waikiki for him. I never used drugs or alcohol myself. I bought him new Tommy Bahama shirts, signed us up for golf and tennis lessons--then he went on his own--I “held him back.”
Figuring out dysfunction vs falling out of love proved impossible for me and he refused marital counseling.
I’m embarrassed to say that I ended up in my own ER numerous times for “falls, running into doors,or I provoked him so my fault.”
He got a part time temp job as an instructor at a private college here..then was fired for failure to show up for class. This was 2008 and he never got another job. He spiraled into depression (I blamed myself) until he completed suicide in late 2009.
These columns seem so easy to resurrect a failing relationship. I fell for such platitudes for almost 20 years. Should I have been “smarter?”
Too close and not objective.
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I was married to and divorced from a man, a family, which only criticized and never appreciated. Then I got me one who thought I was the stars and the moon. Best thing that ever happened to me. What other people do is not your fault, not your guilt. As they say in Philadelphia, fageddaboudit (and him). Have fun, move on, enjoy!
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I'm sorry for your troubles, Nuschler. However, I think you are giving too much weight to what is nothing more than a light, superficial piece promoting a new, "lite" book on marriage. 9Anything called a "hack" is filed under "dumbed down," in my mind.) The listed points are platitudes, but like all platitudes they contain a grain of truth.
No one has all the answers on how to do marriage "right." My honest opinion on books like this is that if you're buying them your relationship is probably already on fragile ground. That said, I remember sitting through an angry presentation by a famous psychologist/marriage counselor/author, in which he railed against clients who came to his office clearly hating and resenting one another -- yet stubbornly reluctant to let each other go. It's very difficult to know when to cut your losses and leave, to admit defeat, and when abuse (mental and physical, both of which you experienced) is part of the relationship, it's an even deeper morass. It's quicksand.
I have a relative who is married to a man much like your late husband, as you describe him. I don't think there is physical abuse in that relationship, but there is a kind of domination there that breaks my heart. The wife is far smarter and more capable than the narcissist husband is, yet she stays with him. I have no idea why, but it's her decision. No one criticizes her for it. We just feel sad for her. She deserves better. So did you.
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@Passion
Thanks for your reply.
Speaking with colleagues they all said that marital counseling is really for the NEXT relationship. That by the time couples go for therapy it’s probably the end.
Their hope is that each person can see what went wrong and not repeat the mistakes in the next marriage.
I tried twice--first too young and he didn’t want me to become an MD. That ended.
Now at age 68, I think that I will follow what I saw on a t-shirt in NY. “My third husband will be a dog.”
THIS relationship is working out well!
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here's my hack: have an interest of your own.
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This is a great article with a lot of practical advice. Too bad Pawel Mildner's artwork leaves much to be desired. It is 2017 and the NYT should be more in-tune to cultural appropriation and stereotypical renditions of native peoples. There are published articles on SCIENTIFIC studies that show native students are harmed by stereotypes in the classroom. This image accompanying a fine article is akin to showing a little kid playing in blackface with their father. How could the NYTs give a "green light" to a little person wearing a feather (clearly "playing Indian")? You can do better than this.
http://www.apa.org/pi/oema/resources/indian-mascots.aspx
http://nativeappropriations.com/2011/09/a-cowboys-and-indians-party-is-j...
*sent during lunch break
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I'm not sure what the illustration is supposed to show. Should the couple and the child all be on the sofa together, holding hands? I agree that the kid's feather is --mat best -- out of date and probably disrespectful, but at least the father is shown engaged in child minding, while the mother appears to be buried in office work. That's some progress.
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An easy fix to this is to just remove the feather from the kids head and the rest stays the same. Playing Indian is not ok and hurts native children. NYT portraying this in 2017 is unacceptable.
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That was my first thought when gazing at the cartoon depicted in this article; the little kid jumping up and down on the couch with the Indian feather stuck in his cap… So politically incorrect!
Therefore I solved the relationship problems, all of them, for this article!
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This will probably log in as a comment from Kate Sandberg (my wife) rather than me, because she is the Times subscriber. But we have been married for 44 years, and if I have learned one thing, it is that kindness goes a long ways - in both directions. Every single night, I say "thank you for being my wife" and I mean it.
Mark Sandberg
Girdwood, AK
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Sweet.
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Another commentator mentions the skills people naturally learn when they grow up in healthy families. I didn't grow up in that kind of family, and my marriage suffered for it and didn't last. But I did learn how to do what you suggest when it came to the way I treat my children. It's good practice to appreciate each other every day. Now I know.
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Aw - wish I could "recommend" this 100 times. Thanks Mark Sandberg.
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Bring flowers.
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Good list, can be complemented with a list of things 'not to do'. Sometimes small things could be destructive to a relationship, specially if repeated over years.
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I've been married 28 years, but living with my husband for 34. Some of these so-called hacks are good advice, but some are too simplistic. Marriage is complicated.
Yes, simple touch (as distinct from more directed intimacy) is important. Not just holding hands, which I find silly, but small gestures -- a pat, a snuggle. Even more than that, eye contact is a must. It's too easy to not really see each other. We all look at the tv, at the kids, at the pets, at our devices, at the tasks we are working on. Look at your partner.
Now for priorities. The unreturned phone call, email or text can be a real problem if it's habitual. That can't be wished away by ascribing non-blaming excuses. Is your partner always putting work of friends first? No excuses. Work it out.
Picturing a fight from the outside? No. Just no. To any onlooker your argument would be nonsense, and it's not nonsense to you. Take a breath, maybe go for a walk, and hash it out just between you two, when you are calm enough to talk. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about your relationship.
The rest of the list is really just about being kind and empathetic. That can be a huge challenge over decades, as disappointments, resentments and emotional wounds accrue. In my marriage huge fights are followed not by big gestures, but by small kindnesses done for one another. Cooking a meal, cleaning or doing other chores, baking something, folding laundry, making tea. None of this is thrilling, but it's all love.
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My husband and I have been married for 26 years. We hold hands all the time. It's not silly. It's a way to be close without too much PDA. It feels good.
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I see you left a slap for me on another comment, too. You know what, Ashley? People are very different, across the spectrum. If you want to walk around holding hands with your husband, go for it. What is it to you if I don't share your feelings about it?
Good grief.
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Gently now. All gestures of love are relevant, I think
21
My husband and I have been married for 52 years. The most important thing to work on is a sense of humor. It certainly can smooth things along.
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Great ideas! I mean, none of them will stop the inexorable slide to numb irritation with ones partner, but they will give the illusion of taking action. Doing something that matters. Or perhaps doing something that gives a whole new domain in which to fight.
If you need these weird tips to improve your marriage, it is doomed.
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One of the best insights I heard years ago was from a colleague who had been reading a lot of marriage help books after a separation from his wife of 22 years. He said "Water your plants" Everytime you do the laundry or put something away or cook for your partner, think of it as watering your plants. I loved that analogy. These hacks sound very much in line with "watering your plants". Thank you for a good article. It's easy to forget the small things.
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It's all various forms of nurturing.
21
So I got excited about my husband's small victory and it scared the cat.
167
What about trying to build better social support systems to take some pressure off the marriage?
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Been with my wife for over 40 years.
Yep to all suggestions.
"Love is the answer, and you know that for sure"
Mind Games
John Lennon
1973
11
These are the 6 reasons why I got out while the gettin' was good. Seriously, these excellent suggestions are a way of testing the health of your relationship.
9
As I stood in line at a deli waiting for my order, an elderly man walked in. He waved through the window to his wife waiting in the car, and she blew him a kiss. Everyone in line let out a sigh and a collective awww. A young guy behind me asked the old man his secret to their relationship. "We've been married 68 years. Love is a two way street," he said with a shrug. "She goes her way and I go mine." Apparently humor had played an important role in their relationship. "And never forget what she wants on her sandwich."
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Or maybe their previous stop was at the pharmacy, where he picked up his Viagra. You never know!
I bet he tells that joke all the time. And I bet his wife stopped thinking it was funny years ago.
20
Married 21 years. We only have one rule...
Instead of saying "you are a jerk" which seems mighty permanent, we say "You are being / behaving like a jerk." Makes all the difference!
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Neltje- I think you're wrong. I once heard a child once respond to her parent, after hearing that (being/behaving) formulation,"you got that from the teacher; it just means you don't like what I'm doing. Just say it."
10
Love & Marriage...Love & Marriage...go together like a horse & carriage.
Yes marriage - every culture in history has marriage and alcohol - yin & yang. My wife and I together for 15 years have tried plenty of things and enJoyed life together as a couple and now as a family with our son. In the end accepting that a good-great marriage takes work and effort yet the reward is a love worth living together. Making it through the times that drive you nuts looking towards the times that create positive memories for a lifetime!
Another great resource is Dr. Gottman. Gottman says having a baby is like dropping a bomb on the relationship. Knowing this helped me understand the change from my wife & me to our son, my wife...and then me... Once I accepted this change I put my ego in check and enJoyed our family more. Gottman's The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling. While most relationships will have some of these, healthy relationships don't use them nearly as often and do more to repair them when they are used.
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Great advice, especially literally staying in touch. More: tell your wife you really, really love her. A lot. Often. Think about and feel why it's true. Then tell her again. And follow up with a text. And in sticky note where she'll discover it. And written in soap on the bathroom mirror. Repeat for, so far, 16 years!
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So who cleans the soap of of that mirror?
10
Someone who loves him.
8
What I have found is critical for our relationship is timing when we talk. If I wait until after hubby has cooked dinner, he has zero interest in chatting about anything. If we chat on the drive home, he is happy and inquisitive. His has not left his workday behind and will talk about it. Sometimes it is about timing more than technique.
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Patience and timing are most effective. They take skill and perception, and you have to practice every day.
11
Speaking of timing, my mother’s advice was never bring up a contentious subject when your partner is hungry.
22
My husband and I figured out a long time ago that the secret to marriage is deliberately ignoring all the little things that could make you crazy, if you let yourself ruminate on them. You can let the other person's habits and faults irritate you until your marriage falls apart... or you can treat all of that as small stuff that simply doesn't matter because you are so grateful for the other person's presence in your household. This week, we are celebrating 23 years of enjoying each other's company/blissfully ignoring each other's faults. It's working well for us!
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yes - I have read that long term relationships could be turned incendiary in a moment by raising any hot button issue
staying together involves choosing to overlook and not raise sensitive issues which you know will upset the other.
As a positive guy, I choose to look past the obvious faults and focus on the small treasures of our relationship. My partner is more negative female, so any time a topic meanders close to some previous problem, she will remind me of whatever pain I might have caused her in the past - even 25 years ago. I choose (mostly) to ignore such prodding - which could destroy the relationship in a moment if raised in the heat of battle - as I'd rather maintain our happy relationship.
To overlook the negative and focus on the positive - it's a deliberate choice - I choose to be happy.
23
Do a hobby together, involving other people. We ran a Cub Scout Pack for five years, and now, believe it or not, have a rock band. Neither he nor I would have ever thought of doing those things alone. 31 years and counting, and we're still having fun, in between the normal arguments of old roommates and business partners, as all spouses become.
13
I've been married for forty-eight years and I wish I knew back then what I know now. I thought then that we fell in love because we were so similar, and every instance that revealed otherwise felt significant and sometimes terrible and sad. We have spent our lives in adventurous ways, always exploring cultures and ideas, and we are often very, very different in what we each think. But what we share now is a marvelous history of thinking and talking together, with one another, not expecting always to agree but always wanting to speak and be heard. And the sheer joy of that shared mind dazzles me with love for the kid I married and the old guy I live with. Keep talking. Apologize. Seriously. Do learn to say you're sorry. From the heart. And then talk some more. Are these hacks? If so, use them. And enjoy your love.
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Wow. I feel so inspired by this. Thank you.
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The ability to apologize sincerely is a great boon to any relationship. No implied blame, no fudging ("I'm sorry you're upset" versus "I'm sorry I hurt you"), no keeping score, and absolutely no buried resentments. No delayed punishment for past hurts, either. All of this requires humility and a lot of love. Few people achieve this level of forgiveness all the time. We're all just fallible humans.
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Lovely comments especially the part about saying sorry.
My partner rarely if ever says sorry, and I do it often. I hope we can work through this...
12
Great advice, also remember what not to do. The greatest indicator of impending divorce is condescension.
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Not sure about condescension, but certainly lack of respect is a death knell.
17
I've read that contempt is the real marriage killer.
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Wessexmom, based on just the failed marriages I have seen up close and personal, I think that's true. I've watched partners who ultimately divorced grow increasingly dismissive of one another as the years passed. Contempt is a step away from hatred.
15
I appreciate articles like this because they lay bare interpersonal interactions learned naturally by people from emotionally healthy families. For those of us who weren't so lucky, it's nice to see small ways to make a big positive difference in relationships with those we care about most.
401
Well said and so true!
1
One thing to remember is that however well you know your spouse or your spouse knows you, you’re constantly learning new things about each other. When you appreciate that, there’s really no such thing as “stagnation.” There’s always more.
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"When your partner tells you something that went right in his or her day, get excited about it." In other words, pretend your partner is a toddler, just back from pre-school. See if he/she wants to call you "Mommy."
25
Fireweed, Not sure whether you got Nancy's sarcasm at the quote taken directly from the article.
1
If you love and care about your partner, you won't have to pretend.
27
What a snarky comment... Maybe just being nice to someone and interested in your partner's day could be the start of a longer conversation....
27
In thinking about my parents' troubled marriage vs my (currently) happy partnership, I noticed a crucial difference:
My mother wanted my father to do things according to her schedule and her standards. Conversely, my father didn't expect my mom to do things his way. She had a constant, simmering anger that he wouldn't conform to her vision of how things should be, and he felt her anger acutely.
While I don't love everything about my partner, I don't expect him to do things the way that I do them. I don't, for instance, announce to him on Saturday mornings that it's "Time to clean Your closet!"
Allowing your partner their own space and own way of doing things, without critiquing, shows them you love them as they are.
313
May I recommend your mother read The Surrendered Wife? Full disclosure: I'm not endorsing a 'surrendered wife' mentality at all. The book is fantastic because it discusses why a lot of men don't feel respected in their marriages, or honored. At the very least, it's very well written.
8
Your parents have an interesting dynamic going on. Your mother has grabbed what power she can, in the relationship, and uses it abusively. It's something I've seen in other couples and (sadly) in parenting, and it is very unhealthy. It's a kind of redirection of anger (anger displacement, technically). It's the classic "kick the dog" syndrome: lashing out at those who won't fight back because the kicker is deeply unhappy and slowly dying inside. In a long-term marriage, this can feed a behavior pattern akin to a Möbius strip. No one is happy.
Some of these behavior patterns can be corrected through behavior modification. In animal training we talk about operant conditioning, but the techniques are equally effective on humans.
I don't know anything about you relationship with your parents and I am not doling out advice. I offer up this information only to let you know that your mother is miserable. And there are options.
21
It all sounds incredibly draining. Who can put on a circus for another person 24/7? After a certain amount of time, surely everyone wants to blurt out, "I am who I am. Take it or leave it." Maybe people really should "lower their demand" and stop expecting their partner or spouse to give them a sense of transcendental fulfillment, and instead should be happy enough that said person puts food on the table, brings home the money, or does whatever our ancestors did for millions of years to lessen the burdens that singletons face.
55
I agree : lower your demand. I know a couple and the husband constantly interrupts his wife , and she oblige . Then she would explain to the chocking friends that " he is like that, it used to bother me but not anymore because he's a good guy and a great father to our children ". Works for them .
18
It's not about "putting on a circus" or a bathtub full of roses. It's about simple everyday gestures of courtesy and affection.
I'm reminded of advice Judith Martin (Miss Manners) once gave in her column. A writer was trying to distinguish between the courtesy one extends strangers, acquaintances, and friends and what is permissible in how you treat your family. Miss Manners asked why you would want to treat people you cared less about better than the people you most loved.
I've thought about that many times over the years as an ideal. I can't live up to it, because there are times when intimacy demands too swift a response to moderate, but I like trying.
89
Your sarcasm is unwarranted, and frankly suggests a certain lack of experience. I've been married 24 years myself, and there's only two things I'm sure of where marriage is concerned. One is that no two are alike: if you think you understand someone else's marriage, you are probably wrong unless you're a professional, and maybe even then. The other is that the marriage doesn't have to operate the same way at all times. Sometimes, you do put on the circus for your partner, or they do it for you. But that cannot possibly be every minute of every day for a lifetime. Samian's right--that would be exhausting. There has to be give and take, and there has to be realism. No one poor human being can supply all your needs and soothe your every bad moment. Sometimes, you do get to be king or queen for a day. But sometimes the baby just threw up and your spouse is working too hard on a big presentation to pay much attention to you. And this is not marital failure. It's just life.
16
How about: stop complaining all the time. And make a decision to be happy. This actually works.
324
I would add to A Smith's great comment: part of the decision to be happy is to commit. Don't treat your marriage like a test drive during which you're always considering whether there's another car out there with more features at a better price.
At a certain point (12 years? I'm at 20), you realize that:
1. There are no perfect human beings; soul mates are made, not found.
2. If you're looking for someone who will fulfill your dreams, that will never happen because you can only fulfill them yourself.
3. Most important for commitment, you have made an investment (as the article notes), which yields dividends of deep and "tactical" knowledge that you would be throwing away and trying to recoup (see item 1).
4. Caveat: Take stock of how many working arrangements have evolved in your marriage that may have outlived the circumstances that shaped them. This is particularly important for couples with children as they grow and then leave home (always be looking ahead to when you're mainly a couple again), but also for couples whose outside income-generating work has changed over time. Distinguish between mere habits and active collaboration.
I never thought of my marriage as particularly admirable until my husband told me that's how his friends see it. I tended to focus on the deficiencies. That's no way to live! As the article advises, appreciate what you have and cultivate gratitude.
21
Another one - put down the phone. Nothing is a bigger turn off for me than being next to my significant other when his face is buried in his phone. I have only recently begun to realize how much pent up frustration this causes and I'm finally beginning to vocalize it. Hoping eventually the message will be heard (yes, I've tried texting it to him).
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My partner and I have used all of these. We have been together for nearly 40 years. They all work.
In addition, reading the "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman helped us understand our differences in how we express love to and receive love from each other. (In our view there are other "love languages" than the five Chapman describes.)
105