When you have a career you miss out on many childhood moments, and it makes you sad, and you may cry. It may make your child sad too. But having a career is of great benefit to your children. They see an appropriate model of a women who has ability, self respect, and value to society. The children will incorporate these attributes as feminine. This will prevent misogyny in the boys and self doubt in the girls. A career is a valuable gift to your children.
14
Being a stay at home mother is the worst thing you can do to your children.
2
It's not easy being male, either. Fact is, it's a tough world out there, with little fairness about it.
Another article in the New York Times was about how women had it better under Soviet communism than they do now. Better sex lives, in particular. There is always good balanced with bad.
When I was a top executive at a software company, my boss was a woman as were 3 out of 4 of my direct reports. They found it tough to balance work and family. But so did I.
It's nice that this author found a good job and good spouse and at least a workable balance between work and home. But men do struggle too. I have two adult sons who are having a tough time in this hypercompetitive, hyperexpensive Silicon Valley. What do I tell them?
Another article in the New York Times was about how women had it better under Soviet communism than they do now. Better sex lives, in particular. There is always good balanced with bad.
When I was a top executive at a software company, my boss was a woman as were 3 out of 4 of my direct reports. They found it tough to balance work and family. But so did I.
It's nice that this author found a good job and good spouse and at least a workable balance between work and home. But men do struggle too. I have two adult sons who are having a tough time in this hypercompetitive, hyperexpensive Silicon Valley. What do I tell them?
7
I sympathize and generally agree with this article. Remember, however, that much that is portrayed as women's issues are issues for men also. Many men also suffer from imposter syndrome. Many men, seeing what life is like at and near the top of their organizations' greasy poles, opt out of striving for those next promotions. Many men are uncomfortable about being personally assertive. And many men concern themselves with their children's welfare, even though for infants it involves bottle-feeding instead of breast-feeding.
15
Except men can have kids well beyond their 40s
3
After 15 years in national security positions with the government, I have finally gotten to the place where I no longer need to overwork in order to prove myself, and I accrue a tiny bit more leave hours every pay period (I now have enough to take six months of maternity leave if I want - nowhere near as much as other developed countries, but more than many women can take). And I've been promoted to the point where I can finally afford child care in spite of the outsized costs here in the Washington, DC area. True, I'm now 40 years old and one would think at the end of my child-bearing years, but in financial and career terms, it's the "perfect" time to try to have a baby. That's how ridiculous our system is.
20
You don't need a breast pump. It is easy to express milk.
1
I have to admit I've never understood why people have children--knowing full well the challenges associated with childbearing and -rearing--and then devote pages of angst to it. I realize that this writer is discussing broader gender-related issues, but her children are clearly one of her primary concerns, leading off as she did with an anecdote on her fertility treatments.
Call the decision to have children what you like--self-interest, exercise of privilege, imagined societal expectation--but don't call it an obligation. And then rearrange your perspective accordingly.
Call the decision to have children what you like--self-interest, exercise of privilege, imagined societal expectation--but don't call it an obligation. And then rearrange your perspective accordingly.
6
A quote from grad school, "You can be a great wife, a great mother, or a great employee. You cannot be great at all three things, simultaneously."
Biology is biology. A pregnancy takes 9 months, plus a recover period, in a normal pregnancy. Add complications, and it is more.
Kids take time, and, they DESERVE parental time, not nanny time. They deserve Little League, with parents watching, or whatever other activity/activities spark their interest.
Spouses also deserve time, and presumably, the reason one married was to be with that person.
Employers expect certain things from the people they hire, and, based on salary and the field, some demand quite a lot.
First generation feminists did more damage than good. They managed to convince everyone, that women held super powers, and could do it all. They ridiculed women who went into teaching, a great family friendly field. And, they made women who could not do it all feel like failures.
In the end, it is a decision as to where to excel, settle, or avoid.
Biology is biology. A pregnancy takes 9 months, plus a recover period, in a normal pregnancy. Add complications, and it is more.
Kids take time, and, they DESERVE parental time, not nanny time. They deserve Little League, with parents watching, or whatever other activity/activities spark their interest.
Spouses also deserve time, and presumably, the reason one married was to be with that person.
Employers expect certain things from the people they hire, and, based on salary and the field, some demand quite a lot.
First generation feminists did more damage than good. They managed to convince everyone, that women held super powers, and could do it all. They ridiculed women who went into teaching, a great family friendly field. And, they made women who could not do it all feel like failures.
In the end, it is a decision as to where to excel, settle, or avoid.
10
Kids deserve parental time from fathers too. How is it that fathers can be absent doing the work of the nation while women shouldn't be?
7
Teaching is only family friendly because you're in a classroom for the same time as your kids. There's almost never paid family leave or breaks to pump milk. Additionally lesson planning and homework take hours.
4
The key sentence here is "I’ve been spoiled with the riches of a great education, interesting jobs, fabulous mentors and bosses, an amazing husband and — after years of fertility treatments — two beautiful boys." She's a member of the 0.01% in terms of income, glory, perks of the job. Such people already do have it all, in so far as mortals can have it all. They are almost royalty. Yes, maybe she could join the 0.001%, but who really truly absolutely have it all. But, I ask the other 99.09% of you; why do you care?
7
She isn't uniquely privileged. She's worked for all of it. Not like Trump who got the wherewithal from daddy. If you want to feel resentful, then feel that way about Trump.
6
"While women have made clear progress in the field, reaching the top levels of government, progress is uneven."
Yeah, well it's been "uneven" for fat people, midgets, the near-sighted, the elderly, the disabled, etc. It's uneven for every demographic group you could define. What is the point?
Yeah, well it's been "uneven" for fat people, midgets, the near-sighted, the elderly, the disabled, etc. It's uneven for every demographic group you could define. What is the point?
4
I think you'll find there have been more fat or near-sighted Secretaries of Defense than women in that role. That is because there have been zero women in that role.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Secretary_of_Defense#List_of...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Secretary_of_Defense#List_of...
9
Agree with most of this, but can't really see why you throw in a gratuitous dig at Trump. It cheapens your arguments.
5
Any mention of Trump will cheapen anything, especially the presidency and the world's perception of the US. That's Trump's doing, not the author's.
6
The biggest problem with the current gender/sexism in the workplace debate is that men and women bring different sets of strengths and weaknesses to the job. That doesn't necessarily mean that men or women are better, just different. As with racism, the issue is one of generalization and dehumanization: failing to see each person as an individual.
Men and women have different health profiles, and the differences are reflected in how health issues affect availability for work. Pregnancy and motherhood are part of that issue. So are substance abuse (alcoholism?) , circulatory diseases and obesity. These issues may show up at different stages of a work career, but they both impact availability.
The issue is the same. In the workplace it is stupid and costly to see people as anything but individuals.
Men and women have different health profiles, and the differences are reflected in how health issues affect availability for work. Pregnancy and motherhood are part of that issue. So are substance abuse (alcoholism?) , circulatory diseases and obesity. These issues may show up at different stages of a work career, but they both impact availability.
The issue is the same. In the workplace it is stupid and costly to see people as anything but individuals.
5
An interesting column written by a mother who has held an inluential position in a field not generally populated with many women. The column offers no eye opener or trailblazer revelations. For decades now women have been entering professions in America that were male bastions and legions of them were not so privileged. They have been doing their part and the problems faced by women are being aired routinely. A recent pioneer of the post Feminist movement generation Ms. Sandberg has given us a wonderful term "Lean On". As a busy professional couple with decades of experience in a non conventional setting (for us) we have been doing our part and in the process raised two wonderful children of high achievement, etc.When we read Lean On it was déjà vu for us. Our heroes were Margaret Thatcher, Golda Meir who achieved great leadership while still being good family women. The secret for good parenting as always is to be child centred and focused in our world view. It does not matter whether we work or choose to not. This article is too me the professional woman centred. Sorry this does not belong in NYT genre.
2
Work-life balance is the Holy Grail of women's work place. Family life is a physical as well as emotional commitment.
Extending that challenge into any male-dominated field takes patience, and a fair amount of being fake, acting - giving people the carefully calibrated performance of who it is they think you ought to be.
Women will never get men to fully comprehend the challenge of breast feeding and getting to meetings on time. Or the challenge of almost universally being the one trying to figure out how to get the kid from the school nurses office or the day care and over to the pediatrician. Some will be sympathetic and supportive - we appreciate it! - and others will see it all as a reason that you are not worth the risk of having on their team.
But understand also that successful men are often phonies too - acting in the 42 Regular way that is expected of anyone climbing the ladder. Some are adept at the game of Executive Whack-a-Mole keeping their heads down in the face of the hammer. Some feel the need to shower after they get home from work.
We all sacrifice something to be successful. We just choose which sacrifices are worth it.
Extending that challenge into any male-dominated field takes patience, and a fair amount of being fake, acting - giving people the carefully calibrated performance of who it is they think you ought to be.
Women will never get men to fully comprehend the challenge of breast feeding and getting to meetings on time. Or the challenge of almost universally being the one trying to figure out how to get the kid from the school nurses office or the day care and over to the pediatrician. Some will be sympathetic and supportive - we appreciate it! - and others will see it all as a reason that you are not worth the risk of having on their team.
But understand also that successful men are often phonies too - acting in the 42 Regular way that is expected of anyone climbing the ladder. Some are adept at the game of Executive Whack-a-Mole keeping their heads down in the face of the hammer. Some feel the need to shower after they get home from work.
We all sacrifice something to be successful. We just choose which sacrifices are worth it.
8
"You will face ... difficulties, ... your male colleagues will never encounter. ...whether and when to have children. ... mistake you for the assistant when you’re the keynote speaker. ...wonder if your male co-workers are getting paid more .... You will pretend you can breast-feed twice a night and still function normally at work.'
This is NOTHING new nor is it endemic to the government, or more specifically, the National Security "industry." I spent 23 years on Wall Street. It was the same. And I was an executive who had similar experiences.
This is NOTHING new nor is it endemic to the government, or more specifically, the National Security "industry." I spent 23 years on Wall Street. It was the same. And I was an executive who had similar experiences.
5
A lot of the satisfactions in life are mutually exclusive. The satisfactions of family life requires the time to attend to the "small things" of small children. Professional satisfaction requires freedom to focus on the big issues. There is no such thing as "having it all", if having more than one means having less of each. This woman is a glutton consuming at the table of life, equating stuffing more into her mouth, so to speak, with truly enjoying a meal. You can test this theory for yourself next time you are at a fancy restaurant and see if it works for you.
2
It's interesting that many comments focus on the policy and defense component of this article. I strongly relate to the human aspect represented here. As a female academic surgeon scientist, I live in a very similar world with the upper echelons of academic surgery primarily male despite equivalent training and academic rank at the entry level (http://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/2441260).
Your internal struggle for compromise (forget balance) is universal and I'm proud to see you share your perspective to encourage and normalize this for upcoming females in your field. I wrote a blog post about being a surgeon mom (https://gmboland.wordpress.com) and I resonate with your description of life and the struggle over career/home priorities.
I have little granular wisdom to add except to point out that you are part of a community that extends beyond your field. We hear you sister. #ilooklikeasurgeon
Your internal struggle for compromise (forget balance) is universal and I'm proud to see you share your perspective to encourage and normalize this for upcoming females in your field. I wrote a blog post about being a surgeon mom (https://gmboland.wordpress.com) and I resonate with your description of life and the struggle over career/home priorities.
I have little granular wisdom to add except to point out that you are part of a community that extends beyond your field. We hear you sister. #ilooklikeasurgeon
15
Isn't one of the main purposes of work so we can earn money for our families? How bizarre then that we let workplaces to tell us that we can't have families.
8
One reason that women with children find it difficult to break the glass ceiling is that they don't have time for schmoozing. Many men still get those jobs by being willing to spend time at an after work cocktail break or a Saturday golf game. Failing to attend that sort of social interaction has many
6
Great article. The internal censors the author speaks of are what Sheryl Sandberg was trying to address with Lean In. She gave one other piece of important advice which I will echo. Be very very picky about who you marry and have children with.... unless your husband gets it, your life won't ever be comfortable. And if he does get it, and has the grace, character, and intelligence to jump in and get involved, then you really can have it all. Well, as much as any one person can.
6
thank you.
2
The citizenry, customers, clients, and patients create, shape even, the demand on the 'workplace'. Yet, with all these calls to restructure the workplace to accommodate the concerns of the article, the demands made by these constituents are only partially addresses, if at all.
What a fabulous article! I am an practicing OBGYN and like other working women have also struggled with the work/life balance. With the support and encouragement of my spouse, great household help, and family, we have managed to raise two accomplished and self-reliant sons. While we couldn't attend every single school or sporting event, my sons do not begrudge my career and are incredibly proud and respectful of my professional and personal accomplishments.
19
I love the pattern of these gender issues opinionators. Start with a personal fable ( we all have one or more of these believe me). Set a negative tone based soley on over emphasis of negative experiences, and bury the positive mid article and minimize it.
Lets look at the stats she herself quotes: While over 50% of incoming FS officers are women, as of July 2016, only 36% of assigned ambassadors were women.
Ambassadors are not appointed on merit. Those are political appointments usually given to political campaign donors. So that doesnt count.
When did the number of women FS graduates cross the 50% barrier? Id bet in the last couple of decades.
Therefore there are more men in FS with higher experience today than women. Needless to say there will be more of them at a higher rank.
Give it a few more decades and you see all of this even out between the genders. Its a pipeline problem period.
In trying to bring in equality of opportunity, we are in danger of tilting the balance in all of these debates. Which will lead to a backlash. As seen in Charlottesville. Lets be fair while striving for the right things.
Lets look at the stats she herself quotes: While over 50% of incoming FS officers are women, as of July 2016, only 36% of assigned ambassadors were women.
Ambassadors are not appointed on merit. Those are political appointments usually given to political campaign donors. So that doesnt count.
When did the number of women FS graduates cross the 50% barrier? Id bet in the last couple of decades.
Therefore there are more men in FS with higher experience today than women. Needless to say there will be more of them at a higher rank.
Give it a few more decades and you see all of this even out between the genders. Its a pipeline problem period.
In trying to bring in equality of opportunity, we are in danger of tilting the balance in all of these debates. Which will lead to a backlash. As seen in Charlottesville. Lets be fair while striving for the right things.
6
As an older woman, I can certainly relate to having experienced gender discrimination in the business world.
As a mother, I'v observed my millennial daughter landing with a Fortune 100 company where she has experienced none of it. The reason is that most of the senior management positions are held by women. All of her bosses have been women. They have generous and full salary paid maternity and paternity leave policies. They have generous and family leave policies. Consequently, she is motivated to work that much harder and is rewarded with bonuses and promotions. This company should be an example to all of corporate America.
I would like to see an article about the various large companies comparing such policies and the ratio of male to female senior managers. We should applaud and speak out for these companies and vilify the ones who are stuck in a 1970s culture.
As a mother, I'v observed my millennial daughter landing with a Fortune 100 company where she has experienced none of it. The reason is that most of the senior management positions are held by women. All of her bosses have been women. They have generous and full salary paid maternity and paternity leave policies. They have generous and family leave policies. Consequently, she is motivated to work that much harder and is rewarded with bonuses and promotions. This company should be an example to all of corporate America.
I would like to see an article about the various large companies comparing such policies and the ratio of male to female senior managers. We should applaud and speak out for these companies and vilify the ones who are stuck in a 1970s culture.
29
"All of her bosses have been women."
What are they now?
What are they now?
All children should be offered the same opportunities in life without regard for gender. They should not be taught to be girls or boys and they should be encouraged to be interested in life. Look beyond themselves and find happiness.
3
excellent reporting about our endeavors in a seemingly 'cold' world that requires suspension of what makes us truly human, emotions, and the feelings derived from them, and the needs we require to function...after all is said and done. I suspect we men couldn't survive the stress women go through, and take for granted. Just be careful when injecting needed medication while in-flight, it may be hazardous.
5
It's worth spending some time thinking about the ways in which our educational system is male-normative.
It makes no sense for women to spend our most fertile years (20s and early 30s) on schooling and career training, only to struggle with pregnancy in our late 30s and 40s.
Why not revise the educational system to be female-normative? Make "college" something one attends in one's 30s and 40s, launching a career in one's 40s and beyond.
That would of course require rethinking "college" to be something other than the current social-club, sports-facility, marriage-market that it has become. Perhaps we could once more revert to the notion of "college" as an actual education.
Opening up learning to people of all ages and family situation (ie not requiring or assuming on-campus living) would not only dramatically increase the number of women in various fields--it would benefit men as well.
But as long as we keep thinking that "college" is something we do in our youth, we'll keep bumping up against intractable biology.
It makes no sense for women to spend our most fertile years (20s and early 30s) on schooling and career training, only to struggle with pregnancy in our late 30s and 40s.
Why not revise the educational system to be female-normative? Make "college" something one attends in one's 30s and 40s, launching a career in one's 40s and beyond.
That would of course require rethinking "college" to be something other than the current social-club, sports-facility, marriage-market that it has become. Perhaps we could once more revert to the notion of "college" as an actual education.
Opening up learning to people of all ages and family situation (ie not requiring or assuming on-campus living) would not only dramatically increase the number of women in various fields--it would benefit men as well.
But as long as we keep thinking that "college" is something we do in our youth, we'll keep bumping up against intractable biology.
14
Fantastic idea!!!
1
Women will never gain equal parity with men until men are expected to perform equal duty as women. This means mandatory, even compulsory paid paternity leave. Societal pressure for men to take on half the chores, half the childrearing, half the emotional labor. Men with children who don't take an active role in their children's lives should be looked down on and shamed the way many single mothers-- who often sacrifice everything they can to raise their children-- are shamed and looked down upon. Men who stay late and choose work over their families should face the same judgment and disdain that women do.
It is not possible to raise women to the equal standing of men when they are hindered by the millstone of doing 75% of the work-- having a career and managing a home, while men are celebrated and elevated for a mere 25%-- merely having a career. We consider it noteworthy when a man shoulders 30-35% of this shared burden. That has got to change.
It is not possible to raise women to the equal standing of men when they are hindered by the millstone of doing 75% of the work-- having a career and managing a home, while men are celebrated and elevated for a mere 25%-- merely having a career. We consider it noteworthy when a man shoulders 30-35% of this shared burden. That has got to change.
29
Wow! You nailed the extent of the problem.
2
Just a reminder that men in the government also face tradeoffs between family and work life, between quality time with friends, wife, and kids and long hours at the office. Other men at the office usually don't console us. Paternity leave is not widely accepted. And we don't get to write autobiographies about how hard it is and how high we have or have not climbed. I work with many high-powered women at, above, and below my position. I treat them exactly the same as men -- that is the greatest mark of respect. Women should do the same when assessing the sacrifices I and other men make in balancing home and work life.
14
If you could say more about those sacrifices, it would be helpful. In my field, most of the senior men have wives who stay at home or have part-time jobs. Scheduling doctors, finding preschools, finding occupational therapists, staying home with sick kids, staying on hold with the insurance company, doing laundry, shopping, helping with homework, etc fall to these hard-working women. I'm mid-career and on track for senior leadership in my field. However, I have none of the aforementioned assistance, and it makes a difference.
I'm not saying there aren't men in my shoes. The U.S. has a long way to go in terms of family-friendly workplace policies and culture. But it would be helpful to hear the specifics.
Lack of paternity leave certainly exacerbates this imbalance. It should be parental leave, and it's something we should all support.
I'm not saying there aren't men in my shoes. The U.S. has a long way to go in terms of family-friendly workplace policies and culture. But it would be helpful to hear the specifics.
Lack of paternity leave certainly exacerbates this imbalance. It should be parental leave, and it's something we should all support.
41
Cry me a river. Are you comparing your work/life balance with that of a woman? You can't see the differences in your experiences and hers? When have you had to make do or die choices about your fertility? Have you studied for years to get your doctorate only to be asked to get the coffee at a job? Have you been let go or overlooked because of your relationship/marital/reproductive choices? I doubt it.
9
I hope that in response to her "mixed emotions" the writer shared with her audience how difficult achieving work/life balance can be. In my own work experience, I often felt obligated to make it appear to others that juggling all of my roles and responsibilities was easy and that I always had everything under control. As a result, I don't think my male colleagues ever considered that there was a "problem" to "fix." In addition, watching other women pretend to seamlessly have it all can promote feelings of inadequacy for younger women ("I must not be up to the task - the senior executives never show up at work with breast milk on their suits"). Part of improving work/life balance issues for women is admitting that we have a problem to be solved, speaking honestly about the challenges we face, and then pushing for the workforce to make reasonable accommodations for every parent (male or female) who wants to work and be involved with their family.
11
As long as we continue to look at parenthood through the lense of our own desires, and make our decisions based on this perspective, we will always miss the mark. It's time that the cultural conversation around child-rearing becomes child-centered. I believe that if we strive for that a more healthy, well balanced, and equitable path for women will follow.
12
I tend to agree. In so many of these articles about striving for work/home balance it's the children who are left out completely. Their needs are described only in terms of tasks and burdens their parents must attend to.
For many of us, one of the greatest joys of our lives was interacting with our children. Breast feeding when your child is actually there in your arms every single day is a far different experience from expressing milk in a cubicle. It can be wonderful and it can also be excruciatingly boring because you're "not using your brain." Taking care of small children can be the same. Some of the most profound conversations I've ever had have taken place with a small, by intelligent child who was questioning and learning about the world.
But when we separate parent and child for most of their waking hours we end us with what we have today - parenthood as a long list of chores that must be divided equally between two working parents. Instead of experiencing daily interaction with our children, with all that entails, parenthood has been reduced to tasks that must be divvied up and accomplished so we don't drown in a deluge of unfinished chores.
It's not a good way to live. We're missing the best of both worlds. Women need the stimulation and independence of paid work, so trying to return to the 1950s model of isolated, bored, dependent housewives isn't the solution. But neither is the hand your baby off in to daycare and pump your milk in a cubicle model.
For many of us, one of the greatest joys of our lives was interacting with our children. Breast feeding when your child is actually there in your arms every single day is a far different experience from expressing milk in a cubicle. It can be wonderful and it can also be excruciatingly boring because you're "not using your brain." Taking care of small children can be the same. Some of the most profound conversations I've ever had have taken place with a small, by intelligent child who was questioning and learning about the world.
But when we separate parent and child for most of their waking hours we end us with what we have today - parenthood as a long list of chores that must be divided equally between two working parents. Instead of experiencing daily interaction with our children, with all that entails, parenthood has been reduced to tasks that must be divvied up and accomplished so we don't drown in a deluge of unfinished chores.
It's not a good way to live. We're missing the best of both worlds. Women need the stimulation and independence of paid work, so trying to return to the 1950s model of isolated, bored, dependent housewives isn't the solution. But neither is the hand your baby off in to daycare and pump your milk in a cubicle model.
11
It's not clear whose side you're on...are you defending Smith or condemning her?
Smith's mindset is the direct result of so-called "3rd wave feminism, Cheryl Sandburg" style ...the idea that males' and females' social roles are COMPLETELY interchangeable. They're not. Human history, and as simple a thing as mental and emotional health, are the arguments that need to be made. And oh, and what exactly is the nature of the nuclear family in this our "enlightened" gender-equity-fascism era?
Need proof? Talk to any disillusioned "career females" who sacrificed their fertile years to the pursuit of a career, like me. I harbor little but spite for Cheryl Sandburg and her childish "adult" peers, like Smith....
Smith's mindset is the direct result of so-called "3rd wave feminism, Cheryl Sandburg" style ...the idea that males' and females' social roles are COMPLETELY interchangeable. They're not. Human history, and as simple a thing as mental and emotional health, are the arguments that need to be made. And oh, and what exactly is the nature of the nuclear family in this our "enlightened" gender-equity-fascism era?
Need proof? Talk to any disillusioned "career females" who sacrificed their fertile years to the pursuit of a career, like me. I harbor little but spite for Cheryl Sandburg and her childish "adult" peers, like Smith....
4
U.S. diplomatic service does not promote specialization in global regions but moves staff to non contingent geographies. There is a fear of "fraternizing" if one knows the languages, the locals, many people of power or base level circles. In German diplomatic service language skills, regional expertise and long service in inter related regions allows women to display strong skills and develop respect among decision makers. Women also get strong support for medical issues and family. Plus they have Angela Merkel as a model.
I mention this to underscore how this society creates hurdles systematically not only to areas where women excel but also to the development and support of knowledge-based and science-based government. Sad.
I mention this to underscore how this society creates hurdles systematically not only to areas where women excel but also to the development and support of knowledge-based and science-based government. Sad.
21
Women do face a dilemma and one that men don't face. But being a mother is not something constructed by one society and not others, it is as natural and essential as eating and drinking. The workplace is something else - a construct. What does the employer need/want? In my 60s I can devote all my time to my employers. My wife and I both could till she retired a short time ago. With our son in his mid 30s we were spared parent-teacher conferences and sick days.
Some he comment that the work place can only be fair when men reduce their hours similarly. But this idea comes from the power elite. When i was in my 30s and our boy was young, my wife worked a flexible schedule and I worked overtime to improve our finances.
Let us understand the problem for working moms and lessen where we can - subsidized day care would help. But let's be angry with those who can work the 12 and 16 hour days. Families need them too, Many a retired grandpa doting on his grandkids was a striver in his youth.
Some he comment that the work place can only be fair when men reduce their hours similarly. But this idea comes from the power elite. When i was in my 30s and our boy was young, my wife worked a flexible schedule and I worked overtime to improve our finances.
Let us understand the problem for working moms and lessen where we can - subsidized day care would help. But let's be angry with those who can work the 12 and 16 hour days. Families need them too, Many a retired grandpa doting on his grandkids was a striver in his youth.
6
Fifty years ago, women of intelligence and education were denied jobs in most fields and denied the right even to train for them or attend professional schools after college.
That said, the second feminist movement did not complete the task: the workplace and society at all levels remains a male-oriented construction.
Children do belong in the workplace. Every major agency and corporation should supply decent child care for its workers. Men and women who choose parenthood need to be offered the opportunity to dial back hours/week until they choose to return full time. Men must share this reduction in work and salary when they are fathers. Until they do, nothing will change.
Companies and agencies must advance women at parity ratios with men.
Society will function better when equality is the measure of all things work.
Women are half the talented people in the world. We need 100% of our talent to maintain civilization.
And women must be able to make half the critical decisions in the world.
Jobs in challenging fields such as national security should be filled by women who are past childbearing age, because we are living longer and as we age, we gain experience, judgment, and perfect our training. Ageism has no place in the world of work.
That said, the second feminist movement did not complete the task: the workplace and society at all levels remains a male-oriented construction.
Children do belong in the workplace. Every major agency and corporation should supply decent child care for its workers. Men and women who choose parenthood need to be offered the opportunity to dial back hours/week until they choose to return full time. Men must share this reduction in work and salary when they are fathers. Until they do, nothing will change.
Companies and agencies must advance women at parity ratios with men.
Society will function better when equality is the measure of all things work.
Women are half the talented people in the world. We need 100% of our talent to maintain civilization.
And women must be able to make half the critical decisions in the world.
Jobs in challenging fields such as national security should be filled by women who are past childbearing age, because we are living longer and as we age, we gain experience, judgment, and perfect our training. Ageism has no place in the world of work.
25
As a 66 year-old retiree from hi-tech (with a doctorate) and with two grown daughters, this article moved me to tears, remembering the challenges of my own attempts at finding the right work-family balance, and thinking about the challenges my own two daughters - each with a little son - are facing right now while raising a child and pursuing their goals. Though I didn't have exactly the same challenges, I had many of the same challenges (and some other ones) of balancing family and career, and your ending line is so, so true. Not only is your public service appreciated. Your service as a role model is appreciated. And your honesty about the toll it takes.
29
Congratulations to you, Ms. Smith. Despite the challenges that you face, you have come as close to 'having it all' as any female professional I've read about. Be proud of your accomplishments, and continue to mentor and inspire other women.
As the holder of an MPA from Princeton's Woodrow Wilson School, I can attest that women are as competent in making foreign and defense policy decisions as men.
As the holder of an MPA from Princeton's Woodrow Wilson School, I can attest that women are as competent in making foreign and defense policy decisions as men.
12
Is the last sentence supposed to be a compliment? Why the expectation in the first place that when it comes to foreign and defense policy women would be different given the same intellect and education? Condescending remark!?
1
I gravitate to the last sentence in many commentaries and this is no exception.
Arrival of a breast pump along with the need of and desire to have children which caused the in flight discomfort are both situations which few if any men even consider.
The wonderment of getting "it just right" is the wonderment of a woman performing in a man's world, to men's expectations which most often do not coincide with those of women.
The world we purportedly share needs more women, actually a majority, to take positions of leadership as men in those positions have no actual skin in the game they inevitably foist on women and children.
It is a man's world, a man's game and not a very good one.
Arrival of a breast pump along with the need of and desire to have children which caused the in flight discomfort are both situations which few if any men even consider.
The wonderment of getting "it just right" is the wonderment of a woman performing in a man's world, to men's expectations which most often do not coincide with those of women.
The world we purportedly share needs more women, actually a majority, to take positions of leadership as men in those positions have no actual skin in the game they inevitably foist on women and children.
It is a man's world, a man's game and not a very good one.
42
We need you to keep going. Your work inspires us. Your success paves our way. It's not easy but we need to see you make it!
24
Women have fully emerged as lawyers during the time of my career. I watched them struggle with that. There are lessons in it for other fields.
First, they can't be just like men. They need to be effective women, not effective pseudo-men. They can be just as effective as men, or even more, but it is not the same, they don't do exactly the same things.
Second, the balancing act of career and home life is reversed for men, but still a present challenge. Women are breaking into careers, but men are trying to gain a home life too. I did. I love the part I've had in my children's lives, and it wasn't always the case that men could do that.
The two struggles are not exactly paced side by side, but they are both happening. The ultimate result I expect will be similar lives for men and women, career and family both.
More important, I expect these men and women to find and marry each other, and together to dominate the firms and careers of the future. That will benefit all of us.
First, they can't be just like men. They need to be effective women, not effective pseudo-men. They can be just as effective as men, or even more, but it is not the same, they don't do exactly the same things.
Second, the balancing act of career and home life is reversed for men, but still a present challenge. Women are breaking into careers, but men are trying to gain a home life too. I did. I love the part I've had in my children's lives, and it wasn't always the case that men could do that.
The two struggles are not exactly paced side by side, but they are both happening. The ultimate result I expect will be similar lives for men and women, career and family both.
More important, I expect these men and women to find and marry each other, and together to dominate the firms and careers of the future. That will benefit all of us.
49
Mark, I agree with everything you've said except I'm undecided on the last sentence. There is an argument that this self-selected, upwardly mobile, pairing is what is leading to the new aristocracy. My spouse and I are participants of this phenomenon - educated, mid-career professionals who delayed parenthood. But is it good for everyone, or just our group?
7
I was a better parent for being more mature. In fact, as a younger parent I'd have been a jerk. Not everyone is that way of course, but for me the years helped.
12
Very well said, Mr. Thomason. I am married to a women such as you describe, a great mother to my sons and a very good lawyer. It was hard for both of us. You described my experience well. She made greater sacrifices than I did. We both learned much along the way.
3
You do not have to be at the top of your field at 40. You have 30 more years of your career. Madeline Albright was a mother in her 20s, earned her doctorate at 37 and was appointed to her first diplomatic post at 56. You can do it all, but not all at the same time.
54
That's true, but it was also a different time, and Madeline Albright was an exceptional person. Setting her as an example is like telling academic from war-ravaged countries that they too can easily deal with the fallout and still become world-famous scientists because hey, look at Einstein.
There is so much competition now, so many ways to succeed and fail, such a thin margin for error, that time becomes a prized commodity. Taking a few years off to raise a family may work out, or it may lead to you falling behind in your education or career path. Additionally, the single-mindedness and determination required to pursue demanding paths often precludes serious dating, or at least makes women less attractive and years later leaves them powerful, and all alone.
I'm a physician and while plenty of women have families during medical school, residency, fellowship, etc., it also makes achieving the most high-powered positions much more difficult, if not impossible. There are the superwomen with three kids, working 80 hours weeks, still getting up at 5am to go train for marathons. But for the rest of us, the constant push and pull of the ever-elusive life-work balance is exhausting, and we drift to less demanding paths. Maybe that's not a bad thing. Maybe it's even a better thing. But it's not something that can be avoided by just rearranging your timeline a little.
There is so much competition now, so many ways to succeed and fail, such a thin margin for error, that time becomes a prized commodity. Taking a few years off to raise a family may work out, or it may lead to you falling behind in your education or career path. Additionally, the single-mindedness and determination required to pursue demanding paths often precludes serious dating, or at least makes women less attractive and years later leaves them powerful, and all alone.
I'm a physician and while plenty of women have families during medical school, residency, fellowship, etc., it also makes achieving the most high-powered positions much more difficult, if not impossible. There are the superwomen with three kids, working 80 hours weeks, still getting up at 5am to go train for marathons. But for the rest of us, the constant push and pull of the ever-elusive life-work balance is exhausting, and we drift to less demanding paths. Maybe that's not a bad thing. Maybe it's even a better thing. But it's not something that can be avoided by just rearranging your timeline a little.
68
It is the same in industry as well, the women at executive level are invariably never married or divorced, most without children. Most of their youth is spent in their education and building their resume and credentials. Their dating pool of men willing to date a female with a bigger title, bigger salary, extensive travel and 16 hour workdays is vanishingly small. As human beings we want it all, but life is about making choices and living with them. Some of these choices may seem cruel and unfair, but that is the way it is.
26
This idea that no one will marry a high earning woman is not supported by the data--high earners get married and stay married at higher rates than low earners. This makes sense. There are quite a few men that are eager to date well-to-do, successful women. If you make 150K a year and your wife does not work, you will be only middle class, but if she makes 250 and you make 150, you will be comfortable and carefree. In my field, although some successful women many not have children, virtually all of them are married, often longterm and happily. Success is attractive I believe. In addition, I believe studies show that if a woman has fulfilling work outside of the home, she will be happier in her marriage.
Life is actually not that cruel or unfair. Although structural problems exist that may keep women out of top positions, I was mostly able to have my cake and eat it too.
Life is actually not that cruel or unfair. Although structural problems exist that may keep women out of top positions, I was mostly able to have my cake and eat it too.
16
First men have to evolve of course.My husband took care of our son all by himself working at a high level government job in Europe while I stayed in New York for work.Our son was five years old at the time.In the end everybody was fine and intact and proud.
15
True. And there is this pesky thing called biology. Cant wait to hear some feminist one of these days Im sure, to cliam that the patriarchy conspired to place uterus' solely in women as opposed to in in equally measure in men and women.
2
In my experience at midlevels in corporate, academic, government, and law firm life, mothers, but not women generally, are disadvantaged.
What Ms.Smith criticizes here, however, is not the midlevels, but that she and other women make up only 30-40% of holders of top positions.
What I have not understood in 40 years of observations, however, is why those in the top positions--whether women or men--hold the top positions. I can think of lots of reasons, but none of them are more than tangentially related to competency or moral rectitude, Those are qualities that I would hope that we would all value more than gender. Yet people with such qualities, regardless of gender, are too little represented in top positions.
Exhibit 1. President Trump.
What Ms.Smith criticizes here, however, is not the midlevels, but that she and other women make up only 30-40% of holders of top positions.
What I have not understood in 40 years of observations, however, is why those in the top positions--whether women or men--hold the top positions. I can think of lots of reasons, but none of them are more than tangentially related to competency or moral rectitude, Those are qualities that I would hope that we would all value more than gender. Yet people with such qualities, regardless of gender, are too little represented in top positions.
Exhibit 1. President Trump.
25
Exhibit 2. Cheap shot.
3
True of every career. High time the work place is made family friendly after all eveyrone was a baby and needed care. This is a universal issue not a woman's problem. The workplace should assume the worker is a woman and a man with children .world would be a safer place too.
68
"Making the workplace family friendly" sounds great, but how do you do that in a national security job where you need to be ready to drop everything at a moment's notice and take a 10-hour flight to some hotspot with an Undersecretary of State for whatever?
6
And if a parent, male or female, would my sons and daughters be dying there when they reached 18, or 19, or 20...?
And of course, the reasons why...???