We were lucky enough to have a cremation for our baby, though we were only 12 weeks along as well. It's not the "done thing" and a lot of people looked at me like i was mad when i told them, but its not about them. At the moment it's just about us surviving.
7
Dear Angela, I am sorry for your loss. I've had a Jizo statue in my home for many years. Jizo provides a serene ritual for us to grieve and honor and love the babies that didn't come into the world. I loved your story. Your unborn baby will always be with you. And grateful that the Japanese created this ritual. How healing. Take good care.
4
People think of miscarriage as nature's way. But if you are the one experiencing it, your child has died. When I was pregnant with my second child they thought I had miscarried. I felt such grief and then such joy when the sonogram showed the fetus alive. Jizo is a beautiful way to mourn your unborn child when others often don't understand and you need to connect to the life you carried.
4
Thank you for writing this. I recently miscarried and this was comforting to read.
12
We suffered two miscarriages. Each was devastating, and my husband and I grieved separately and together. People do not know what to say or how to handle it. We have had to find ways to heal ourselves and protect ourselves from people's blunders.
Although we are not Catholic, there is The Church of the Holy Innocents on W. 37th Street, that will put your child's name in a book with thousands of other "lost innocents". We went to see the name in the book and spent time in the room. I was so nervous, and made sure I looked my best for my baby. Periodically, I go and kneel at the altar where the book is and light a candle for each of them. It makes me feel that they are not alone, and they know I love them and think of them often.
Although we are not Catholic, there is The Church of the Holy Innocents on W. 37th Street, that will put your child's name in a book with thousands of other "lost innocents". We went to see the name in the book and spent time in the room. I was so nervous, and made sure I looked my best for my baby. Periodically, I go and kneel at the altar where the book is and light a candle for each of them. It makes me feel that they are not alone, and they know I love them and think of them often.
9
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your grief and your process of healing. I suffered a miscarriage yesterday, also at 10 weeks. Reeling, and on holiday on a continent thousands of miles from home and my doctors, we have had to navigate a foreign medical system. I still do not know how to move forward. This gives me something tangible to do when we return - and as a Japanese American who did not know about Jizo, it provides a means to feel connected to my heritage. I am so grateful.
24
I am glad you have a process that brings you peace. Maybe your baby is playing at the Rainbow Bridge with departed pets? I hope you found peace with the loss of your baby.
6
Thank you for sharing your story. I also had an early miscarriage, and struggled with the grief. My husband and I were fortunate to have wonderful friends who acknowledged the loss by giving us a flowering cherry tree. We planted it in a central place in our backyard and each spring it would bloom as a tribute to my unborn baby. Several years later one of the most bittersweet moments in my life happened -- my two young daughters returned from the backyard on a beautiful spring day with handfuls of white flowers from the tree in their hands and said "Mommy, these are for you." It was loss, life and love coming full circle.
21
Thank you for sharing your story. We suffered two miscarriages, including one at 12 weeks, before we had our two sons. They are 9 and 10 now but we never forgot our lost babies. Wishing you happiness in the future.
8
Three great kids and twenty four years after my miscarriage, this story still resonates. Please take heart, you will have many more joys in your life.
18
The Japanese culture also honors the lives of babies who were aborted.
20
I well know the grief you felt after a miscarriage. I felt the same after mine and had no one to mourn with me since my husband at the time decided to ignore the whole thing. Recently I went to Japan and noticed the jizo everywhere. My dear friend who lives there told me of their significance. Everyone mourns in his/her own way; I salute you for finding an outlet for your grief. Unfortunately, my husband's lack of empathy was the nail in the coffin for our marriage.
11
Yes, indeed we need a ritual, to be able to grief and to allow closure. We also need more compassionate doctors.
10
This was beautiful! I am grateful for the gifts that other cultures provide regarding life, love and death.
10
What a beautifully expressed reflection of loss and grief and the importance of ritual - sometimes private, always resonant. I am moved by the author's sharing such lovingly personal details in her and her husband's continued honoring of their lost child.
The author surely has set in motion infinite healing ripples in her readers and in the lives her readers touch. As one of those readers, I am personally uplifted; professionally, I am inspired to carry forward, in my work as a psychotherapist, the gentle reassuring guidance the author conveys through these experiences shared with us.
The author surely has set in motion infinite healing ripples in her readers and in the lives her readers touch. As one of those readers, I am personally uplifted; professionally, I am inspired to carry forward, in my work as a psychotherapist, the gentle reassuring guidance the author conveys through these experiences shared with us.
16
I needed this today. I'm currently four weeks plus two days after the start of my miscarriage, and I'm still bleeding. I could relate to so much is this essay: the ultrasound that sounds like tires screeching to a stop, to not knowing what to do but craving a process, to knowing that miscarriage is common except when it happens to you for the first time.
I'm not sure how long my grieving process will take, but I realized that one way for me to heal was to do so by reaching out to others who've experienced this loss--this birth with no baby, death with no funeral--because healing does not happen in isolation.
For those seeking more words and connection, I wrote about my experience too: https://jaimestathis.wordpress.com/2017/01/13/love-is-not-a-straight-line/
I'm not sure how long my grieving process will take, but I realized that one way for me to heal was to do so by reaching out to others who've experienced this loss--this birth with no baby, death with no funeral--because healing does not happen in isolation.
For those seeking more words and connection, I wrote about my experience too: https://jaimestathis.wordpress.com/2017/01/13/love-is-not-a-straight-line/
11
Several of the comments mention the lack of a funeral--I think that's another complicated part of it--with no shared community ritual, it's as if the loss isn't real. I was stunned by grief after my first loss of an ectopic pregnancy, and wished there'd been something that already existed, a ritual to mourn this as a person lost. I was so gutted, I didn't feel like "making something up"--(kudos to those who did!)
10
Oh, how I remember this pain, the constant itch of sorrow, the ambiguous grief of a child I never held or kissed, but whom I loved so very much. So many years later my young daughter cries over this child, too, because she knows that if that child were born, she would not have been. And maybe I would have loved that child more. I tell her that sometimes it takes many babies to make the babies that we have, and that the baby I lost lives inside of her. I think it's true. I hope it's enough.
8
This brought tears to my eyes.
Had my mother carried her son to term instead of losing him at 4 months, I would not be here.
Sometimes I wonder what he would have been like.
Sometimes I wonder whether or not she (and my dad) would rather have had a boy to carry on the family name.
But I'M here, and I have to be enough.
Had my mother carried her son to term instead of losing him at 4 months, I would not be here.
Sometimes I wonder what he would have been like.
Sometimes I wonder whether or not she (and my dad) would rather have had a boy to carry on the family name.
But I'M here, and I have to be enough.
10
With our first pregnancy, the expectant joy, delight was palpable within me, my husband, and in the space between us. When I miscarried, so was the grief. We always referred to the little one growing within as "tiny bear". About three months after the miscarriage, I went to sit down to dinner and there was a little box wrapped on my plate, it held a beautiful ring with a sapphire stone. I was completely surprised and looked at my husband. "For "tiny bear" he said. The tears ran down my cheeks. i love to wear this ring for all that it brings to mind/heart -the memory of tiny bear and the deep sadness of loss, but also the memory of tiny bear and the deep joy/love my husband and I held for her/him and hold between us still-palpable as he reaches over to touch that ring, holding my hand.
19
Thank you. I wonder if it is too late to get my 3 jizo's?
7
In my opinion, it is never too late to grieve or to honor.
22
Thanks for sharing your story, I wish I know about this ceremony when I needed... perhaps you are never too later
8
This article was published as I was/am going through an early miscarry. My HcG numbers are decreasing, instead of increasing.
I read it, and decided I wanted some sort of ritual/tradition as well. First I went online, but the amazon/ebay ones seemed to be made of resin.
So I went to the local garden store in search of a garden animal to help mark the baby. I picked one, and as I went to check out, I saw a 50% off sale. So I went to see if I could get a bigger stone animal. And I saw three jizos there!
So I went home with a jizo instead.
I read it, and decided I wanted some sort of ritual/tradition as well. First I went online, but the amazon/ebay ones seemed to be made of resin.
So I went to the local garden store in search of a garden animal to help mark the baby. I picked one, and as I went to check out, I saw a 50% off sale. So I went to see if I could get a bigger stone animal. And I saw three jizos there!
So I went home with a jizo instead.
18
Nadine, I’m so sorry to hear that your loss is still so fresh. I remember well those frequent blood tests to see the numbers dwindle to nothing, and how each one hurt my soul. I hope that the serendipitous jizo brings you comfort, and please know that there are many, many of use who feel your pain and wish you strength and peace.
8
I love this article and wished I would have known about this after my 2 miscarriages.
5
This article highlights such an important aspect of our lives, our living and making meaning. I delved into this topic when researching about repetitive behaviour and uncovered the spiritual nature residing in and expressed through meaningful habits and ritual. When, however, spirituality is drained from our actions, we lose both the ability to transcend our immediate situation and we lose our ethical imperative. It is heartening to find other cultures can offer us some solace as well as place to share our joy.
4
I want to thank you all for your support and stories in response to this piece. It is clear that there is an overwhelming need for a space to hold grief in the West. In an attempt to create one, I'm curating a Jizo garden online. If you'd like to participate in the project, please read more here:
http://www.angelaelson.com/blog/jizo-garden
http://www.angelaelson.com/blog/jizo-garden
13
After my first miscarriage, my husband planted a very tiny, tiny tree in our yard. Over the years, it has taken on the name of our fertility tree. 10 years later, the tree is large and even provides a small amount of shade. Two babies later (bringing us a total of four children), and the entire family now calls it our fertility tree. We also had to "do something" to grieve.
5
Thank you for this beautiful reflection. I too had a miscarriage and your words resonated with me.
2
As someone whose mother was told by five doctors that I was dead in her womb, incorrectly, the tears in my heart are for the fears my young parents must have felts, many decades ago. Thank you.
5
I found some Jizos at the local gardening store. The ones sold online are made of resin, but the one at the gardening store said it's made of Volcanic Ash.
Thank you for this article.
Thank you for this article.
2
I love that You shared this and I love this tradition of love for our lost Ones
I am an Australian Buddhist nun, ordained at Mt Koya in Japan. Thank you for your heartfelt essay that I know will resonate with so many people who are grieving from such a loss. It is a sad truth that there is little support available for those who have suffered pregnancy loss, principally due to the complex political and social issues surrounding pro-life/pro-choice issues. But sadly, it is the grieving parent whose needs for comfort and support are lost in this intense debate. I was also deeply moved by the Jizo ceremonies I witnessed in Japan and so I perform memorial rituals for pregnancy loss here in Australia, in which I have adapted many of the elements of Jizo but in ways that are not necessarily "Buddhist". Every parent experiences the grief of pregnancy loss in their own unique way so I provide a ritual that is best suited to their own unique spiritual needs. If anyone reading this would like guidance on how to make their own memorial ritual, I am able to offer suggestions and support. Please feel free to contact me [email protected] or read more at http://catekodojuno.com/pregnancy-loss/
9
What a beautiful and touching article. It is so sad the heartbreak of a miscarriage is often kept quiet and the expectation can be to "just go forward."
Certified Celebrants create personalized ceremonies honoring and acknowledging loss and grief, giving family and friends an outlet for heartache and support. These funerals, memorials and ceremonies marking loss such as miscarriage create an acknowledgment of the life that was but is no more. As with the Jizo statue, these can provide solace and give honor to that which was lost and its effect on the bereaved families.
http://www.celebrantinstitute.org/
Certified Celebrants create personalized ceremonies honoring and acknowledging loss and grief, giving family and friends an outlet for heartache and support. These funerals, memorials and ceremonies marking loss such as miscarriage create an acknowledgment of the life that was but is no more. As with the Jizo statue, these can provide solace and give honor to that which was lost and its effect on the bereaved families.
http://www.celebrantinstitute.org/
2
When I lost my baby at 16 weeks, I looked up grief traditions. I wore a black armband for weeks, wrote a diary about it, wrote poetry, cried a lot! I joined a neonatal loss support group' where I made many friends. I had the baby's birthstone put into a necklace and made a Christmas ornament with its intended name on it--- he died and delivered on Christmas morning. Not knowing if "it" was male or female, I chose both types of names! It became an annual grief experience as Christmas is such a widespread holiday, I couldn't skip a year and forget. This year will be 30 years and I will light the annual candle remembering the baby that never got to be loved on but loved within! This is a beautiful story and tradition for this family. I have a baby cemetery I go to! People bring lots of flowers, toys, clothing etc. The best ritual I found was making angel clothing, that is passed out at hospitals to put on stillborn! A friend from that old support group has an annual sew-in making hundreds of outfits each year on her daughter's anniversary.
We each much find our way. America is too quick to move on from such experiences. I hope this story encourages someone going thru their neonatal deaths.
We each much find our way. America is too quick to move on from such experiences. I hope this story encourages someone going thru their neonatal deaths.
15
Thanks for this piece. We had to terminate a pregnancy last year at 21 weeks. I, too, felt a loss for ritual and looked for some mindful way to mark what had happened. Through some internet searching, I learned of Jizo and have enjoyed the 2 statues we have in our home for the past year.
10
Perfect. The longer I live, the more I realize how important are the rites, ceremonies and symbols used to confirm life's passages. Which reminds me to call my step granddaughter to wish her happy birthday, today. I also sent her flowers. Tangible symbols of my love for her and her membership in our family.
11
Your comment highlights such an important aspect of our lives, our living and making meaning.
3
I suffered multiple miscarriages and still grieve at what might have been. I could have used some coping mechanism like this at the time.
6
After my sixteen year old daughter died I found myself at a Jizo ceremony for children that have died up at Green Gulch Zen center in Marin County, California. They guided us through a powerful ceremony of learning about Jizo and we each created objects from red fabric that we had been instructed to bring with us. We wrote prayers and wrapped them up with rosemary branches. We walked to the garden of remembrance at Green Gulch. We hung things on trees.
I now have two different Jizo statues in my backyard. Sometimes I burn incense in the earth they sit on.
Thank you for sharing your story.
It is wonderful when we search for help and find it in ritual that may be completely unknown to us but at the same time it holds power and offers us comfort in a sad unknown place.
I now have two different Jizo statues in my backyard. Sometimes I burn incense in the earth they sit on.
Thank you for sharing your story.
It is wonderful when we search for help and find it in ritual that may be completely unknown to us but at the same time it holds power and offers us comfort in a sad unknown place.
12
Am reading this on Monday, realizing the piece was published on Friday, the day of my D&C procedure. Going back to work, I feel an overwhelming desire to tell people, tell my colleagues, tell anyone what has happened to acknowledge that this pregnancy and this baby was real. I do think it's unfortunate that the norm after suffering a miscarriage is to keep quiet to not burden others with our tragedy
16
This is a lovely way to express grief. I have experienced this emotion many times & found answers only after searching for my truth. Here is my story.... http://www.trulymedium.com/blog/miscarriage-still-birth-abortion-sids
those of us who grieve for children we didnt have feel at a loss to process the loss ( AND the absence) of our hopes and dreams. I remember wishing i lived in the victorian era, when i could wear black and be treated by strangers as someone barely functioning due to grief. I recall being envious of religions like Judaism, that have set rituals that bring with them support and tools for processing. I wasnt even ready to leave my daughter's little body at the hospital, I cam e close to a break with reality as the elevator doors closed. I vividly remember sitting on the edge of my bed and contemplating all the women through history, all around the world, who had lost a child, just like me. It gave me the courage to think about a future. Anytime someone writes about coping and finding support, we have shown one more berieved parent a way out of their personal darkness. Thank you for such a well written piece
17
Thank you for this touching piece. As many comments have noted, grieving a pregnancy death is a lonely, disorienting, and often isolating experience. My wife and I lost our child after 22 weeks, which was our first and only pregnancy. When a child is lost, so much more goes with them – a parent’s love, a future life as a parent, and the newfound meaning-in-life that the child presented. After the loss, you are left physically in the same place as you were before the pregnancy, but with so much less.
I am grateful to learn of this tradition, and to see others honoring the brief life and memory of their unborn children. Grieving can be aided by community, and it is wonderful to see a culture and community that publicly acknowledges – and celebrates – the death of the unborn, and the importance of their existence.
I am grateful to learn of this tradition, and to see others honoring the brief life and memory of their unborn children. Grieving can be aided by community, and it is wonderful to see a culture and community that publicly acknowledges – and celebrates – the death of the unborn, and the importance of their existence.
15
I've been mourning the loss of my mother for two months. Reading this beautiful essay brings healing tears.
5
Many Jizo in Japan are for aborted fetuses, not just miscarriages.
6
This is true, although perhaps not as widely known or discussed.
1
This one of the most beautiful and comforting thing I have ever read. What a perfect tradition.
4
Jizo is a lovely tradition for grieving parents. This country could take a lesson. Family values/pro-life as we claim to be but several years ago, a fellow contract worker at a telecom company got in trouble at work for a) not returning to work quickly enough after a doctor's appointment on Friday, scheduled at the last minute because she was spotting and b) missing work on Monday because miscarried over the weekend.
Had I known about Jizo then, I would have gotten her one to keep at work to comfort her and to remind our employer that sometimes life and death do interfere with work.
Had I known about Jizo then, I would have gotten her one to keep at work to comfort her and to remind our employer that sometimes life and death do interfere with work.
13
A beautiful tradition...and how true that our country offers no rites of consolation or acknowledgement for the loss of a child before birth. I was deeply touched when the pastor of our Roman Catholic church gave me a beautiful blessing for mothers after miscarriage; it was the only closure of any kind that I got for this heartbreaking loss. We have gone from a time when miscarriage was shrouded in a sort of taboo of secrecy, to a time when acknowledging the reality and value of our unborn children is a political hot button. For those grieving unborn children lost to abortion, I recommend a group called Rachel's Vineyard, (faith-based, if you're okay with that), that has helped many women integrate and heal from the experience.
7
I did not read the all of the comments but I felt that the essay and the comments I did read were very sad. Miscarriages happen. It does not reflect "failure" on the part of the writer.
Voluntary abortions happen too, and for very good reasons. There is no "failure" there either.
Having been to Japan many, many times (including Koyasan), my understanding of Jizo is that he offers compassion. And real compassion is not judgmental.
Voluntary abortions happen too, and for very good reasons. There is no "failure" there either.
Having been to Japan many, many times (including Koyasan), my understanding of Jizo is that he offers compassion. And real compassion is not judgmental.
21
Thank you for sharing this Angela! For just over a year now I have felt crazy that I could not get over my miscarriage. I lost my baby right around 8 weeks but the actual miscarriage took much longer. Such an unbelievable experience with no way to truly grieve. It's also still very much taboo to even talk about in our culture. Your article helped me so much & I hope it helps others who have faced this or will face it in the future. Thank you again!
13
Thank you for sharing your experience and taking the time to share. I'm terribly sorry for your loss and I wish you and your husband, peace and comfort.
I lost my baby boy when I was 22 weeks into my pregnancy on December 13, 2012. I haven't been able to get pregnant since. There's no "happy ending" here. However, because the struggle to enter our world is so difficult for some, I try and live my life to the fullest in order to honor my unborn child.
The cavernous depth and pull of grief from losing a child born or unborn seems endless and one feels so alone. Unless you experienced it too, you'd wouldn't really *know*. . . . . And I hope you don't. Ever.
I lost my baby boy when I was 22 weeks into my pregnancy on December 13, 2012. I haven't been able to get pregnant since. There's no "happy ending" here. However, because the struggle to enter our world is so difficult for some, I try and live my life to the fullest in order to honor my unborn child.
The cavernous depth and pull of grief from losing a child born or unborn seems endless and one feels so alone. Unless you experienced it too, you'd wouldn't really *know*. . . . . And I hope you don't. Ever.
17
Thank you for this wonderful essay. I am so glad you had the example of the Jizo to turn to, and that you and your husband made it your own. The concreteness of the little figure and of the ritual touched me deeply.
For those who have even the remotest connection to a faith community, it's important that they feel free to turn to that community and its resources at a time of loss. One of the earliest comments below mentioned that the United Methodist church has a liturgy for pregnancy loss. The Episcopal Church also has a book of liturgies and prayers for childbearing, childbirth and loss which can be downloaded as a PDF:
https://www.churchpublishing.org/siteassets/pdf/liturgies-and-prayers-re...
I was surprised to see how thorough and nuanced this volume is in addressing all the possible events and decisions involved in reproductive life and the hopes, fears, longings, sorrows and joys they occasion.
May your home be blessed.
For those who have even the remotest connection to a faith community, it's important that they feel free to turn to that community and its resources at a time of loss. One of the earliest comments below mentioned that the United Methodist church has a liturgy for pregnancy loss. The Episcopal Church also has a book of liturgies and prayers for childbearing, childbirth and loss which can be downloaded as a PDF:
https://www.churchpublishing.org/siteassets/pdf/liturgies-and-prayers-re...
I was surprised to see how thorough and nuanced this volume is in addressing all the possible events and decisions involved in reproductive life and the hopes, fears, longings, sorrows and joys they occasion.
May your home be blessed.
4
The link listed for Episcopal liturgy does not work. Try this instead: https://www.churchpublishing.org/siteassets/pdf/liturgies-and-prayers-re...
When my husband and I went through our years of infertility, we had similar experiences: every month's menstrual cycle felt like another death to us. Eventually, I wrote my own liturgy, and we celebrated that liturgy of loss and life with family and friends at our Episcopal church. We found it to be very powerful and effective; it helped us move from being mired in sorrow to being more grateful for our marriage and for all the possibilities of our future. There is great power in communal grieving.
2
Thank you Angela for sharing such a moving tribute. I have visited Japan a few times, and saw the Jizo statues in cemeteries there. I found the experience of seeing hundreds of little cement statues with red hats and capes in various states of decomposition overwhelmingly sad and eerie. Your beautiful narrative makes me realize how incredibly important this ritual can be in moving parents through such a challenging time. I grew up as a "commando Catholic", and have come to realize we invented "Limbo" as an afterlife place to accommodate the souls of deceased pre-baptismal infants who didn't deserve hell or purgatory, but had not "earned" heaven. You have helped me understand the Jizo perspective better, and I deeply honor how you incorporated this in your own life. I expect many will try to dishonor the tradition by lamenting its use in cases of abortion. I anticipate that will be more than offset by the expressions of appreciation from those who have experienced loss through miscarriage, with limited ways to deal with their grief. Thank you.
7
who are you to judge of 'dishonoring' a tradition?
There was a beautiful piece on this topic about a decade ago. Can the citation be added as related coverage?
1
I think you may be referring to an article by Peggy Orenstein. If you go to the following page and click on "Mourning My Miscarriage", I think it may be the article you are referring to:
http://peggyorenstein.com/articles/2000-2002/
http://peggyorenstein.com/articles/2000-2002/
1
A very moving essay that captures exactly how I felt and still feel almost thirty years after my miscarriage. I planted a tree as I had after the births of each of my previous children, a flowering cherry rather than a maple. I thought at the time we were living in our forever home so I would always see it grow and change over the years just as a child matures. It was not to be as we moved several more times before now, as empty nesters, we are in what we plan on as our final abode. While the child I lost is not in my thoughts daily as his/her living four siblings are, there are moments when he/she is present as well as on the dates of the miscarriage and due date. My daughter, our only girl refers even now to the baby as her sister as we had talked to our children at the time about the coming sibling referring to him/her by the names we had chosen. How I wish that we had has a jizo to have taken with us so that some tangible reminder of that child.
10
Wonderful thought provoking piece. Thank you. Your sentiments for recognition of this important loss are not new. What has not happened is the creation of a fitting recognition of grieving for a loss of a still birth or premature death. Sadly as far back as the late seventies a man named Bill Gouveia produced a short movie called "Death of a Wished For Child". In it he documented this type of loss and spoke to many women who had experienced it. One woman found herself carrying a cucumber somewhat subconsciously realizing it was about the weight of the child she had lost.
1
This is a beautiful and touching essay. Jizo, which is described in this essay, is called Mizuko Jizo. As for Mizuko, Mizu is for water and Ko is for a child (children) in Japanese. Through this, we could tell Mizuko Jizo is related to children. Furthermore, Mizuko JIzo represents holding a religious service for miscarriage or stillbirth within one moth of birth.
I personally think that there should be some individual ways about Jizo as long as Jizo is for holding a memorial service. just like the writer did, "On the anniversary of the miscarriage, I replaced the statue’s sun-bleached clothes with fresh ones, gave him a bath, kissed him on the head and put him back outside."
I also like the words in the last paragraph, "We’ll leave pieces of our love for him wherever we go, hoping Jizo will deliver them to wherever he is."
Thank you so much for a heartwarming essay.
I personally think that there should be some individual ways about Jizo as long as Jizo is for holding a memorial service. just like the writer did, "On the anniversary of the miscarriage, I replaced the statue’s sun-bleached clothes with fresh ones, gave him a bath, kissed him on the head and put him back outside."
I also like the words in the last paragraph, "We’ll leave pieces of our love for him wherever we go, hoping Jizo will deliver them to wherever he is."
Thank you so much for a heartwarming essay.
39
Thank you for a lovely article. It actually made me smile. Miscarriage and pregnancy loss (in all of it's forms) are isolating events. Many people don't know what to say to you or how to react. I felt completely alone as I journeyed through eight consecutive losses. I finally attended a Pregnancy Loss Support Program run by the National Council for Jewish Women. Lets all talk about this a little bit more- It helps to make the journey less lonely. I finally had a son after seven very long years! I would like a few of those figurines!
23
I miscarried twice, in my late 30s in the early '90s. There was no support, no outlet. We grieved. Time passed. We also went to Japan, where, at 41, I became pregnant with my oldest child. And then another surprise...my younger one arrived the year I turned 45. The younger one's in college. (I loved being an older mom.) So may you too also have a happy surprise at some point, sooner than I did, I hope. And since you are writing about Japan...a bit of gaijin folly: once pregnant, an ultrasound was done EVERY dr visit and when I asked my dignified Dr-sensei at Fukuoka University whether I was indeed going to have a son, judging by what I saw on the ultrasound, he nodded. And when the delivering physician in the US said, "You have a daughter!" I almost insisted they "cut to the videotape" but I realized the doctor had nodded at my question re my baby's gender because in Japan, it's considered rude to say a direct "no." (Or maybe he was prescient...in 15 years, that daughter came out as my transgender son.) We also taught English...me in a tiny school with students ages 3-73. Can't wait to read your memoir!
22
An amazing testimonial of your journey so far!
1
Beautiful! Everyone needs a personal memorial for the unborn child that died. Something as real and personal and sweet as you have created, and continue to renew every year. Blessings on you and your husband....
13
When I had 4 miscarriages in the sixties, it was treated like a medical problem with the mother, and there was no one I could share my grief with. What had I done wrong? The sadness was overwhelming, and even now all these years later, I think of those 4 babies I never even held in my arms. People said unhelpful things like "you can try again," and "you already have one child," and "you can always adopt." Each child is precious and having another one doesn't replace the one who was lost.
Thank you for sharing your grief.
Thank you for sharing your grief.
25
Thank you beyond words. Perfect timing. Would have loved to have some website links that sell a Jizo.
10
Thank you for sharing your grief and your grieving process with us. In place where miscarriage is all too common, unfortunately, it is a secret and taboo life experience that is not openly shared nor acknowledged.
13
This is a sweet column. For those interested to go deeper, the book Liquid Life by LeFleur is a study of how the Japanese resolve the tensions between the high rate of abortion and the Buddhist tenant to respect all life (Princeton University Press).
The book talks at length about mizuko, or children who have died, and the use of Jizo. It gets into some of the complexities, and experiences such as those of the author of this column.
The book talks at length about mizuko, or children who have died, and the use of Jizo. It gets into some of the complexities, and experiences such as those of the author of this column.
12
i've been to that cemetery several times.....what always struck me were the sections that had company employees....
8
This is a nice essay. However, most of Jizo statues one can see in Japan come from voluntary abortions. There is a sense of self blame in any miscarriage, but there is a very strong sense of guilt in any abortion. Jizo San softens the self blame and tries to soften the guilt, but I doubt he will be able to really appease minds and souls when the miscarriage is voluntary.
6
I pray that neither you nor anyone you love ever becomes pregnant by rape. I pray neither you nor anyone you love is never told at the three-month ultrasound, "Your child will never live past birth." I pray neither you nor anyone you love is never told, "The tumor is operable now, but if we wait until you deliver, you won't live to raise the children you already have." I know real women who've faced that choice.
But go ahead and walk your holier-than-thou path, secure in never having had to make a choice for which you deride others.
But go ahead and walk your holier-than-thou path, secure in never having had to make a choice for which you deride others.
48
JP -- Um, no, there is most definitely NOT "a very strong sense of guilt in ANY abortion." Not sure if you are a woman who had an abortion and is transferring your feelings onto others, or just a self-righteous anti-abortion crusader who feels a need to make these kind of ridiculous statements, but you're simply wrong.
29
Thanks, JP, for your thoughtful, judgmental comment! Let us all know your sensitive reflections after having an abortion.
11
We have lost all of our children to miscarriages; we don’t go out on mother’s day and I’m the only person my wife wants to see that Sunday.
This has brought us together and we have created little unsaid rituals.
I finally wrote a poem. It makes for uncomfortable recitation; but my wife loves it.
For others, it was the emotions, not the content; I was sure, which shocked.
Now I think that the feelings (in poem /conversations) cannot be reconciled to what each “side” thinks I should believe —2016 showed me. The worse part of our expressions of grief now is the brutality of polarization it has revealed when we were pressed to share it, the lack of Sensus communis if you will.
To summarize; except for a few close friends these are the reactions: on the one hand, people are puzzled that we named our children, and that we even consider them children. On the other hand, they think us selfish, unworthy, and then we get the “why couldn’t you just have children?” look.
That “look;” covers the “get over it” disdain, impatience, worthlessness felt about us, and more. Plus, that glance can come, unmistakable, from either “side,” even in a tone of voice; and you can’t just say: “Don’t ask if you don’t want to know.”
Thank you Ms. Elson, also, for telling us of one healthy way experiences of miscarriage can be kept in mind-mindfully, if you will. Our miscarriages (yes, they are ours) are part of our life together, and we are always learning to live with what these events imply.
This has brought us together and we have created little unsaid rituals.
I finally wrote a poem. It makes for uncomfortable recitation; but my wife loves it.
For others, it was the emotions, not the content; I was sure, which shocked.
Now I think that the feelings (in poem /conversations) cannot be reconciled to what each “side” thinks I should believe —2016 showed me. The worse part of our expressions of grief now is the brutality of polarization it has revealed when we were pressed to share it, the lack of Sensus communis if you will.
To summarize; except for a few close friends these are the reactions: on the one hand, people are puzzled that we named our children, and that we even consider them children. On the other hand, they think us selfish, unworthy, and then we get the “why couldn’t you just have children?” look.
That “look;” covers the “get over it” disdain, impatience, worthlessness felt about us, and more. Plus, that glance can come, unmistakable, from either “side,” even in a tone of voice; and you can’t just say: “Don’t ask if you don’t want to know.”
Thank you Ms. Elson, also, for telling us of one healthy way experiences of miscarriage can be kept in mind-mindfully, if you will. Our miscarriages (yes, they are ours) are part of our life together, and we are always learning to live with what these events imply.
53
Thank you so much for this essay. We have lost three babies. The first and third time I miscarried there were "remains." The first time I felt affronted, frustrated that now I was going to have to deal with those (because the hospital was going to bury them if we didn't). It still seems strange to me that the hospital made that decision. But for us personally it turned out to be helpful. We did bury the remains. It was quiet and private. We didn't even know if they were boys or girls. But we had some closure and we have a place to visit. The Jizo sounds like it provides a similar comfort. I love the idea of the Jizo providing something to care for. We don't talk enough about miscarriages in this culture. It is a lonely process and I am grateful for essays like this one. They are healing.
38
When we visited Tokyo we also visited a Jizo. I didn't fully understand until this article. I think this is a wonderful way to grieve the loss of a a pregnancy from miscarriage or abortion. I really appreciated this so much.
22
I was so grateful for this essay. I lost my first child to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy close to 50 years ago. I had been told a couple of years before that if I did not get pregnant in the next year I was unlikely to ever have children so I'd married my best friend and we'd been trying since marriage. I didn't know I had finally become pregnant when I was taken in for emergency surgery and only found out the next day when a young and remarkably cold surgeon told me almost as an afterthought for his description of the complicated surgery, that the massive infection and internal damage I'd suffered was due to the loss of my child.
I was devastated and disoriented. There seemed to be no acknowledgment of the loss of my child and I grieved for years, feeling most acutely that there was nothing ... no body, no funeral, no recognition.
Although I felt that I'd finally resolved this loss through my own creative acts of memorial as I acknowledged to myself the loss, this essay brought me to tears. In spite of great difficulty and the predictions of my doctors I eventually had two children. I'm grateful to know of the tradition of Jizu, and shall be sure to share this knowledge whenever needed.
I was devastated and disoriented. There seemed to be no acknowledgment of the loss of my child and I grieved for years, feeling most acutely that there was nothing ... no body, no funeral, no recognition.
Although I felt that I'd finally resolved this loss through my own creative acts of memorial as I acknowledged to myself the loss, this essay brought me to tears. In spite of great difficulty and the predictions of my doctors I eventually had two children. I'm grateful to know of the tradition of Jizu, and shall be sure to share this knowledge whenever needed.
41
This is a sad story as I can feel the sorrow of the grieving parents. I hope that Jizo will protect the lost baby and comfort the parents.
I am Japanese, living in New York City as a permanent resident. I am also a baptized Episcopalian. My new faith does not stop me remembering my early years in Japan. Indeed, O-Jizo-san (as we call it) is a patron Buddhist monk of children. The parents who lost their children (born or unborn) do clothe the statue and bring toys, candy, and food for their lost children, as beautifully written in this essay.
May the soul of the lost baby rest in peace, and may the surviving parents be comforted.
I am Japanese, living in New York City as a permanent resident. I am also a baptized Episcopalian. My new faith does not stop me remembering my early years in Japan. Indeed, O-Jizo-san (as we call it) is a patron Buddhist monk of children. The parents who lost their children (born or unborn) do clothe the statue and bring toys, candy, and food for their lost children, as beautifully written in this essay.
May the soul of the lost baby rest in peace, and may the surviving parents be comforted.
77
This is a beautiful essay. I feel like there should be some ritual if needed, although funerals, etc, should only happen if the parents want to have one. I had one early miscarriage, and felt like I couldn't even mention it at work, since God forbid anyone know I was trying to get pregnant. I called in sick for one day and asked one person to cover for me and that was that. It just strikes me as ironic that we have so much focus on "family values" and being "pro-life" in this country, yet we have NO support for miscarriages, pregnant women, paid maternity leave or any of that.
105
I think this is a great point. I managed a team of 10 or so including 8 newly married young women seeking to become mothers. Two miscarried while in the office. I suggested that they go home and rest until they felt better. HR had no advice for me on these matters. One woman stayed home for 4 days and the other a month. No one dared criticize them for their days off (a law firm - there is often generosity when family problems arise)- but still - I wish we could have said there was a policy to protect them during such a vulnerable time.
3
your testimonial was very powerful. So many of the comments are from people like me who were trying to get pregnant and therefore had 'invested' so much in purposefully creating a new being. Your courageous statement about finding yourself pregnant and have to deal with it as if in a parallel reality to work and social community. In a science fiction style of movement you seemed to describe slipping into a nether world like Frodo when he slipped on the ring. No one sees you as you really feel and really are. Some covers for you as you slip down to the underside of what 'should be' into the alternative systems created for handling this situation. Then you pop up on the other side of your 'dilemma' and continue your way with as a healthy sense of irony steps in to hold you and the paradox of calling upon 'family values' "pro-life" and no support for any of those principles. I thank you for so vividly describing the experience, that I had side-stepped by sheer luck.
2
I've never heard of this beautiful tradition. Thank you for writing about it.
My own post-miscarriage self-help therapy involved reading every book about pregnancy loss that I could find. It was tremendously helpful to discover writers and researchers who had documented the many ways couples react and grieve.
My own post-miscarriage self-help therapy involved reading every book about pregnancy loss that I could find. It was tremendously helpful to discover writers and researchers who had documented the many ways couples react and grieve.
20
I was pregnant 7 times but only have 3 children, adults now. I'm RH- so... who knows. 3 or the 4 pregnancies were lost before 90 days. I didn't feel it was the end of the world but a time for reflection. I remember the intense need to plant or paint or sculpt, but not the need to cry. I'm a bit of a fatalist I suppose because I believe every live healthy birth is something nearer to a miracle than mundane. It just seems impossible to me that more things don't go wrong when there are so many more reasons to cause them to go wrong. I not sure that life or what others call the soul inhabits embryos as much as it is introduced to the potential form and allowed to accept or reject. Then I was 6 months along when all movement stopped. The doctor couldn't find a heart beat (before sonograms). We waited for the dead fetus to be born, nearly a month later as it turned out. I felt a loss which is what drove me to see the doctor so soon after the previous glowing appointment. 'Maybe something's wrong?' I said, 'Maybe the baby is sleeping a lot?' I named him Joshua and grieved him. But I still feel that whatever makes the intention of life rejected the body being incubated. The next year I gave birth to a son I named Will who is today a jet fighter combat pilot, husband of a lovely woman, and father of 2 children. I believe the life force accepted the body that now lives.
17
When I lived in Tokyo in the early 2000s, there was a Jizo shrine near my home.
This was not a major site that any tourist would have known. To find it, one had to walk down a small alley in between little old townhouses. Most people who walked by the alley everyday had no idea the shrine was there.
It was tiny, with a few glass cases filled with plastic figures, all the same, but embellished with personal items. The site had a miniature garden and was a calm spot in an intensely urban part of the city.
The shrine is near many high-rise office buildings. At lunchtime most days, I would see young women discretely walking down the alley to the shrine. Occasionally a young couple would make the visit.
Everyone I saw approaching the shrine had a solemn expression - not just on their faces, but also in their body language.
Visitors often brought small gifts to the statues...toys, baby cloths, and even baby food.
It is one of the most moving sites I have even encountered. The importance of this place for the people who visited was felt the moment you entered.
The link below has images of the site.
http://artfoundout.blogspot.com/2008/09/jizo-shrine-akasaka-tokyo-japan....
This was not a major site that any tourist would have known. To find it, one had to walk down a small alley in between little old townhouses. Most people who walked by the alley everyday had no idea the shrine was there.
It was tiny, with a few glass cases filled with plastic figures, all the same, but embellished with personal items. The site had a miniature garden and was a calm spot in an intensely urban part of the city.
The shrine is near many high-rise office buildings. At lunchtime most days, I would see young women discretely walking down the alley to the shrine. Occasionally a young couple would make the visit.
Everyone I saw approaching the shrine had a solemn expression - not just on their faces, but also in their body language.
Visitors often brought small gifts to the statues...toys, baby cloths, and even baby food.
It is one of the most moving sites I have even encountered. The importance of this place for the people who visited was felt the moment you entered.
The link below has images of the site.
http://artfoundout.blogspot.com/2008/09/jizo-shrine-akasaka-tokyo-japan....
29
Thank you, SR. Such poignant pictures. Loved ones die, but our need to take care of them lives on.
5
This is the most beautiful and touching article. An awesome articulation of the experience. I am uplifted by the powerfully supportive and healing ritual described, as well as by the shared experience.
27
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I had a miscarriage with my third child. On my due date I pause to remember and mourn what might have been.
10
I'm emotional - your piece rationalized me. Thank you
4
Probably the most poignant and heartfelt piece I've ever read on the NYT.
15
Thank you for writing this essay. I recall reading in several other places that the Mizuko Jizo rituals were for children lost both to miscarriage and to abortion, and that the rituals provided a healing comfort to individuals or couple that chose abortion, in much the same way. Seeking to confirm this, I found several articles, including one from the NYT almost 21 years ago:
http://www.nytimes.com/1996/01/25/world/in-japan-a-ritual-of-mourning-fo...
And there is more information out there. Something to consider sharing...
http://www.npr.org/2015/08/15/429761386/adopting-a-buddhist-ritual-to-mo...
https://tricycle.org/magazine/cult-jizo/
http://www.pregnantpause.org/aborted/japcope.pdf
http://www.nytimes.com/1996/01/25/world/in-japan-a-ritual-of-mourning-fo...
And there is more information out there. Something to consider sharing...
http://www.npr.org/2015/08/15/429761386/adopting-a-buddhist-ritual-to-mo...
https://tricycle.org/magazine/cult-jizo/
http://www.pregnantpause.org/aborted/japcope.pdf
6
Jizo is a symbol for many people, and in Buddhist belief is said to represent "Savior in Six Realms of Desire & Karmic Rebirth. Patron saint of Children, Expectant Mothers, Firemen Travelers, Pilgrims, Aborted/Miscarried babies. Also guardian of children in Limbo." To learn more, "The Face of Jizo: Image and Cult in Medieval Japanese Buddhism".
5
This is a very nice piece. Last fall when my wife miscarried we felt like it was not only something sad for us but also something we were supposed to be ashamed of. For reasons that elude me, miscarriage is something that isn't discussed, we're supposed to just pretend it never happened.
Deciding that it was a stupid custom we spoke to our friends and family about it, and were surprised to learn just how many people close to us had gone through the same thing.
It baffles me that it's still something of a taboo subject - at a time when women often are in real need of support from people close to them they're encouraged to keep it in inside and pretend like everything is fine.
Deciding that it was a stupid custom we spoke to our friends and family about it, and were surprised to learn just how many people close to us had gone through the same thing.
It baffles me that it's still something of a taboo subject - at a time when women often are in real need of support from people close to them they're encouraged to keep it in inside and pretend like everything is fine.
56
You are a precious person. You used your courage to erode the barriers that so many have erected against aging, dying, and loss. Thank you
Why, why, why this need to conflate the grief that comes with the unexpected end of a wanted pregnancy and the rights of women to make their own reproductive choices?
One can mourn the sudden end of a wanted pregnancy while at the same time supporting the right of women to choose to have abortions to end those that are not. I know women who had an abortion in their early 20s and miscarriages in their 30s. The latter did not cause them to regret the former.
Let's not create conflict where it doesn't need to exist.
One can mourn the sudden end of a wanted pregnancy while at the same time supporting the right of women to choose to have abortions to end those that are not. I know women who had an abortion in their early 20s and miscarriages in their 30s. The latter did not cause them to regret the former.
Let's not create conflict where it doesn't need to exist.
94
I share other the views of others who have commented that this is a helpful article. In my qualitative research studies on couples dealing with pregnancy loss and infant death, I found both individual and cultural differences in grieving. For older couples who had lost pregnancies or very young children many years before, lingering feelings of loss seemed more prominent when they had no grandchildren. My guess is that how wanted a pregnancy was is a factor in depth of grieving, but my research did not explore this aspect. In my own case of loss, which inspired my research, I still think of my lost baby (especially on the anniversary of the birth/death) but I am well pleased with the child that I have. Grief is always both highly individual and within a cultural context, although individuals can stray far off the cultural script that is handed to them. I was struck in my research that some individuals within couples and sometimes couples together were at peace almost immediately (although sometimes still sad) and others maintained a fierce grief (which might ebb and flow) for months or years. As is always the case with loss, others can provide solace by listening and not making statements that are contradictory to the bereaved person's world view, such as saying "Your baby is in heaven" when the parent does not believe in heaven.
8
I wish our culture were better at acknowledging these kinds of losses. As a doula and childbirth educator, I encounter families frequently coping through the loss of a water baby (Mizuko Kuyo), alone and in an aimless, senseless fashion. I have introduced this idea and had some families share with me how they honored their babies. It is a personal process, and there is no right or wrong. I wish all families were offered the opportunity to pass through their own experiences of loss in a way that soothes their hearts and minds. http://www.staciebingham.com/blog/mizuko-kuyo-the-loss-of-a-water-baby
7
This is lovely and I'm grateful for learning of this Japanese custom.
But it pains me when you refer to "the baby I failed to complete." It sounds as if you're somehow blaming yourself. Self-blame is a common feeling among women who experience miscarriage, but surely that is one of the main things to free yourself of. You did not fail. It was the natural course of this pregnancy, however sad.
But it pains me when you refer to "the baby I failed to complete." It sounds as if you're somehow blaming yourself. Self-blame is a common feeling among women who experience miscarriage, but surely that is one of the main things to free yourself of. You did not fail. It was the natural course of this pregnancy, however sad.
71
What a beautifully written, poignant account of an empty, hollow feeling not all understand. Anyone who has lost a child before it's time can definitely relate to everything this very talented author has written! Wish I had had a Jizo
9
It is but one perspective. To look at it from a wider perspective, humans weep the death of humans. Where we draw the boundary, however, can be completely arbitrary as decided by society. Such emotions may not be innate. So it seems absurd to mourn a miscarriage simply because one discover another culture does.
In "Death without Weeping" by Nancy Scheper-Hughes, we discover that in the harsh sugar plantations of Brazil, mothers would not name their new born until having a good sense that the child will survive. The mother does not get attached to the unnamed child and will not mourn the its death.
In "Where Does Life Begin?" by Lynn M. Morgan, we find cross cultural materials that show that different cultures can go to very different extremes when dealing with the personhood of a fetus or child. Some would not treat the child a human until the child reaches adulthood (where post-birth abortion is accepted), others hold funerals for a miscarriage.
The idea is that there is a large variety of cutural standards regarding when a neonate becomes a person. There is no need to take anyone else's perspective on this. If one tkaes on the perspective of "The Public Life of the Fetal Sonogram" by Janelle S. Taylor, we can find that the "fetal life" is largely a construct of modern technology. Its implications are not purely positive.
By mourning a miscarriage, we may also be condemning women's reproductive rights.
In "Death without Weeping" by Nancy Scheper-Hughes, we discover that in the harsh sugar plantations of Brazil, mothers would not name their new born until having a good sense that the child will survive. The mother does not get attached to the unnamed child and will not mourn the its death.
In "Where Does Life Begin?" by Lynn M. Morgan, we find cross cultural materials that show that different cultures can go to very different extremes when dealing with the personhood of a fetus or child. Some would not treat the child a human until the child reaches adulthood (where post-birth abortion is accepted), others hold funerals for a miscarriage.
The idea is that there is a large variety of cutural standards regarding when a neonate becomes a person. There is no need to take anyone else's perspective on this. If one tkaes on the perspective of "The Public Life of the Fetal Sonogram" by Janelle S. Taylor, we can find that the "fetal life" is largely a construct of modern technology. Its implications are not purely positive.
By mourning a miscarriage, we may also be condemning women's reproductive rights.
13
And you don't get to make that choice - of whom or what to mourn - for anyone but yourself.
10
Abortion is legal in Japan, technically under limited circumstance but the circumstances are broad enough that, to my understanding, the procedure is not difficult to obtain safely in a medical setting. Women's rights have a ways to go in Japan as elsewhere in the modern world, but their reproductive rights are hardly condemned there despite the presence of the Jizo tradition.
As you point out in your comment, personhood is a social construct that does not even need birth as the line to be drawn; it can be socially granted before as well as after. Modern civilizations are quite capable of finding both tension and balance between two persons' rights, wherever the line is drawn. Thus, if the author and other women in America find that mourning a miscarriage brings them comfort, I don't think we need to fear the possibility that a cultural shift of the personhood line -- especially one motivated by compassion and sympathy -- will cause anything more than a new, socially-accepted balance for the human rights of each person involved in childbearing.
As you point out in your comment, personhood is a social construct that does not even need birth as the line to be drawn; it can be socially granted before as well as after. Modern civilizations are quite capable of finding both tension and balance between two persons' rights, wherever the line is drawn. Thus, if the author and other women in America find that mourning a miscarriage brings them comfort, I don't think we need to fear the possibility that a cultural shift of the personhood line -- especially one motivated by compassion and sympathy -- will cause anything more than a new, socially-accepted balance for the human rights of each person involved in childbearing.
8
I respectfully disagree with this cold view of mourning and this reductive view of women's reproductive rights. One can mourn the loss of her would-be child without implying that mothers do not have the right to take away their bodies' support of that being. I believe a mother should have autonomy over the generativity of her body, but this does not mean that I dogmatically insist that a fetus is not in some sense a living human.
18
Thank you. I wish I had had your article when I needed it. Hopefully some future mother who is desperately trying to find solace, and is surprised by the dearth of public discourse on miscarriage, will find your piece in the good ol' NYT.
15
Thank you.
I'm so tired of people's flippant reactions to miscarriage. You know - the ones that gloss over the event in a hurry to get to "... and then they went on to have x beautiful children...".
To those of us who haven't yet or may never get to skip to this happy ending, statements like those are like a double whammy. A sucker punch. Piling on insult to injury. They invalidate the very real, very painful grief, thus invalidating us in the process.
Thank you for this beautiful story and thank you for not skipping over the grief. I don't know if it's because, like me, you're still mired in it, having not yet reached the "happy ending" countless people keep harping on. Or maybe you have, and if so I would like to add a "congratulations" to my even more grateful thank you for not forgetting about us.
I'm so tired of people's flippant reactions to miscarriage. You know - the ones that gloss over the event in a hurry to get to "... and then they went on to have x beautiful children...".
To those of us who haven't yet or may never get to skip to this happy ending, statements like those are like a double whammy. A sucker punch. Piling on insult to injury. They invalidate the very real, very painful grief, thus invalidating us in the process.
Thank you for this beautiful story and thank you for not skipping over the grief. I don't know if it's because, like me, you're still mired in it, having not yet reached the "happy ending" countless people keep harping on. Or maybe you have, and if so I would like to add a "congratulations" to my even more grateful thank you for not forgetting about us.
78
As I read this I was touched beyond words. I lost my precious daughter, Grace on April 8/14 and I was devastated and lost. The lifelong journey of pain and wondering following the death of a child is lifelong, I will not say miscarriage, as for me she was and is always my daughter, my child. In my community I built Grace's Garden as I needed to ensure her life matter and her legacy was enduring. Grace's Garden is built to honor all babies and for mothers, families to have a place to go to honor, remember their child. A garden to help soothe the soul, a place of beauty to honor such beautiful little souls that we all loved and love each day until our last breaths. Thank you for this article and with a tear in my eye I share Grace's Garden located in Timmins, Ontario Canada with you.
17
A beautiful piece of writing...thank you
2
Thank you for this beautifully written article. I had a miscarriage over a year ago and wish I came across your article then. Even with my Japanese background and awareness of Jizo (here we refer to them as "ojizo-san"), I do not know people around me that refer to this tradition. But perhaps, like you mentioned, people are often quiet about these misfortune. Your writing and observation are amongst those I read about Japan that are often written by people who have lived outside of this country, and it makes me appreciate this perspective that we often lack, as perhaps we take things for granted.
I am fortunate to also share that I am now pregnant with a baby due in April. Thank you for sharing this story.
I am fortunate to also share that I am now pregnant with a baby due in April. Thank you for sharing this story.
35
So much more helpful than any prescription. Coming together as a couple to find a way to share your loss. Thank you for writing about the Jizo statue for couples who have suffered a loss. My guess is your disclosure will be saved and shared by many.
16
Very interesting. Had two miscarriages & one perfect daughter; Would have liked Jizo back then. 20 years have past yet I still mourn. Thanks for this.
18
Soon, thanks to right-wing politicians, distraught women may be forced to gather up the discharge that occurs in a 10-week miscarriage and arrange for a 1.25 inch coffin and formal burial. (A 10-week-gestation fetus is 1.22 inches; I'm rounding up. 12 weeks would be 2.3 inches.)
This would not have aided my grieving process when I had a miscarriage some years ago.
This would not have aided my grieving process when I had a miscarriage some years ago.
61
This is lovely, I still don't know what to do my my grief over our miscarriage other than to love the son that arrived afterwards (on the 1 year anniversary of the miscarriage) even more. Best wishes.
11
This is beautifully written. I remember seeing these Jizo statues all around the different temples when we visited Tokyo, and explaining to my daughter, who was 9 at the time, what these statues represented. I am glad this ritual gave you some peace.
16
Thank you for your beautifully told story.
I found Jizo nine years ago in Kyoto and began painting him, collecting him, dressing him up, meditating with him.
I created a website for Jizo and the little one, "chibi" in Japanese.
Crochet for as long as you need to... Jizo is a powerful force, an archetype sadly missing in Western culture.
I have a Mizuko-kuyo wall on my website, a place for writing to one's lost baby. I then tie a piece of paper - Shinto-style - to a dead tree branch - as you may have seen at shrines there.
I can't wait to see your memoir! I've been writing one, as well. Jizo does that to people who discover him and thus, discover a baby voice within themselves.
I found Jizo nine years ago in Kyoto and began painting him, collecting him, dressing him up, meditating with him.
I created a website for Jizo and the little one, "chibi" in Japanese.
Crochet for as long as you need to... Jizo is a powerful force, an archetype sadly missing in Western culture.
I have a Mizuko-kuyo wall on my website, a place for writing to one's lost baby. I then tie a piece of paper - Shinto-style - to a dead tree branch - as you may have seen at shrines there.
I can't wait to see your memoir! I've been writing one, as well. Jizo does that to people who discover him and thus, discover a baby voice within themselves.
14
Thank you for this lovely story. I am sorry for your loss, and I admire your positive energy to deal with your grief. May Jizo watch over all of those we lose before they arrive.
15
Many years ago I had two very early miscarriages that I mistook at the time for late and painful periods. I did not realize what they really were until after my son was born. I am able to look at them as nothing much, just happenstances that enabled me to have the two children I later conceived--I'd never have had more than two. But new technology recognizes pregnancies so much earlier now. I'm sure I'd have wanted a way to grieve those first two little ones had I known them to be such.
22
This is beautiful. There feel like far too few shared rituals and rites for coping with loss in contemporary American culture. They can be such a comfort.
76
older societies have rituals to cover life's important events
people often need to so something physical with their bodies to be able to release pent-up feelings - so we have this - good
people often need to so something physical with their bodies to be able to release pent-up feelings - so we have this - good
34
Thank you for this.
25
Having lived in Japan and seen all of the Jizo in little corners of streets, etc. I can understand the need to grieve and this is the perfect representation of tragedy reconciled.
39
Completely agree with her. Miscarriage isn't easy and will always leave a mark. I remember my friend who suffered the same. Took almost a year for them to decide to try again. She was back to taking conceiveeasy and thankfully, got pregnant and gave birth a few days after her due date.
18
This way of mourning sounds as if it transcends the futility of reliving the loss and meets the need to do something to mark the lost presence of the unborn baby. I am sure others with this experience might find it comforting. Thank you for this insight and sharing your own reactions.
89
The United Methodist Church has a lovely ritual for those who mourn after a miscarriage. I'm sure the pastor of any Methodist Church would be glad to share it. You don't have to be a Methodist or a member of any faith group.
3