Thank you, Amber, for sharing the story of an incredible care-giver and strong husband--it serves as great inspiration on the 10 year anniversary of my massive cerebellar hemorrhage. As a wife, physician, and mother, I continue to define my "new normal" while healing from five brain surgeries. Newly acquired adaptive skills have allowed me to fine tune my life goals: perform innovative medical research, teach others, and enroll in a graduate program. My end goals are clear: improve health equity and raise awareness of the human brain's ability to heal.
5
Thank you for sharing such an inspiring story. I have worked as an Operating Room Nurse for 5 years now and I witnessed a lot of heart-breaking scenarios in my workplace. Oftentimes, I hide my tears after counselling a family member because of what they are going through. I have always been amazed seeing strong people hoping for the best recovery for their loved-ones, and not losing a bit of hope despite of the negativity surrounding them. May god bless you and your family more. I wish all the best for your husband as well.
4
wow. i am impressed and so very happy for you.
i lost my husband to brain cancer 11 years ago. the first surgery, chemo, radiation seemed to help him for 4.5 years, but the recurrence was very aggressive and he had lost his speech ability. then...
anyway. 12 months of recovery time from such trauma sounds like a miracle. congrats again.
i lost my husband to brain cancer 11 years ago. the first surgery, chemo, radiation seemed to help him for 4.5 years, but the recurrence was very aggressive and he had lost his speech ability. then...
anyway. 12 months of recovery time from such trauma sounds like a miracle. congrats again.
3
If he had died, there would have been an autopsy of his injuries and a conclusion that they had not been sustained in a mere fall.
Why did he fall backward? Was he already injured? Why won't the "friends" talk? Where had they been? Did one of then get into an argument and punch him several times in the face and that's why he fell?
I would have filed a civil suit, if I couldn't get a criminal suit so all of this could come out. I'd get a good lawyer with a medical degree. They do exist.
This man's injuries were horrific. He was out with adults. Drunken ones, but all of them know what happened and I'd make them tell me.
Get a private detective. Get some tapes to recreate events. There's video all over AC.
Why did he fall backward? Was he already injured? Why won't the "friends" talk? Where had they been? Did one of then get into an argument and punch him several times in the face and that's why he fell?
I would have filed a civil suit, if I couldn't get a criminal suit so all of this could come out. I'd get a good lawyer with a medical degree. They do exist.
This man's injuries were horrific. He was out with adults. Drunken ones, but all of them know what happened and I'd make them tell me.
Get a private detective. Get some tapes to recreate events. There's video all over AC.
7
The article cited from The Atlantic clarifies some of the missing details from Amber Mishkin's piece. No one seems to know how exactly her husband was injured. What is clear, good luck played a big role. The talented neurosurgeon upon his arrival at the emergency room made just the right decisions for how to proceed.(Those of us with extensive experience in ER rooms and with other medical issues know that trial and error are much more often the case.) Talented doctors were available throughout. His wife had knowledge and training that helped her to continue his care. The family also had the means to do so - money and a good health plan. Taking all this into account does not diminish her husband's work and perseverance. It just reminds us that other people's ability to survive rests also on a certain amount of luck and good fortune.
5
On the other hand, my regular doctor could have and should have done much more initially, which would have gotten me into a brain injury program from Day 1 instead of nearly five months after. This was 1993, which was in the semi-dark ages of brain injury. He simply said for me to rest at home because there was no 'egg bump.' Note that I live in what's considered one of the medical meccas of the world. Only after four months had passed and I was hospitalized for two weeks with pneumonia and other conditions, did he begin to take seriously the fact that the grocery store fall might be serious. He was terrified at the prospect of litigation. The first thing the receptionist told me when I went the next day after my fall for an appointment was "He doesn't get involved in accidents."
I am thankful for the 21st century. My sister had a bicycle accident in the mid-1970s. She had crippling headaches for years. The hospital didn't even take an X ray. They couldn't figure out what was wrong, and told her nothing was wrong.
Natasha Richardson (Vanessa Redgrave's daughter) died from an epidural hematoma caused by a skiing fall in Quebec in 2009, because hospital personal in Quebec told her to go home. Discussion has followed that she might have recovered had she been airlifted to New York and received care there. A relative of mine, a highly accomplished cyclist, had a serious TBI last year, but is doing much better now, thanks to expert intervention.
I am thankful for the 21st century. My sister had a bicycle accident in the mid-1970s. She had crippling headaches for years. The hospital didn't even take an X ray. They couldn't figure out what was wrong, and told her nothing was wrong.
Natasha Richardson (Vanessa Redgrave's daughter) died from an epidural hematoma caused by a skiing fall in Quebec in 2009, because hospital personal in Quebec told her to go home. Discussion has followed that she might have recovered had she been airlifted to New York and received care there. A relative of mine, a highly accomplished cyclist, had a serious TBI last year, but is doing much better now, thanks to expert intervention.
2
I'm very happy about Mr Mishkin's recovery, which seems nothing short of miraculous, but there is a gaping lacuna in this story! Clearly the 'friends' who were with him that night know something and aren't talking. Should they not come forward? If he had injuries not compatiable with his fall in the PATH station, is an investigation not warranted?
8
I am firmly convinced that those who lead their lives harboring inner strength and positivity prior to such tragic events have a better chance of overcoming poor prognosis.
7
That carries an awful lot of judgement, as well as condemnation and blame. If someone does not respond well to surgery and rehabilitation, it must have something to do with their inherent negativity? Or weakness of character? Or he or she just isn't a very good person? I abhor that point of view. I have recently been dealing with the death of a good person who died horribly. The deceased had been taken advantage of for years, by people who firmly believe that they are good and deserving of everything good and wonderful (and free) -- entitled people to their very cores. They believe that God takes care of them and brings them things (specifically, they take things that are given, and given, and given). But that God didn't take care of the person they used and failed to help when help was needed. The truth is that bad stuff happens to very good, strong, positive people. It's the luck of the draw whether they survive. It has nothing to do with them being in any way lesser if they don't.
11
I am speaking in hindsight of the loss of my companion of 36 years who succumbed to cancer within 6 months but with positivity and inner strength. With respect to this article, I made my previous statement.
8
Thank you for your honesty. My partner had three stokes, with brain damage.
I was amazed with his progress and determination . I on the other hand was
scared, But his will to keep fighting gave me great hope. He helped me.
Thank you again, for sharing both difficult experiences.
may the future be bright.
I was amazed with his progress and determination . I on the other hand was
scared, But his will to keep fighting gave me great hope. He helped me.
Thank you again, for sharing both difficult experiences.
may the future be bright.
6
What an amazing story!
I am still very much confused about four guys going to Atlanta for gambling and ending up in sketchy neighborhood and no police investigation! That is more fishy than the recovery of having the best doctors in the world.
I am still very much confused about four guys going to Atlanta for gambling and ending up in sketchy neighborhood and no police investigation! That is more fishy than the recovery of having the best doctors in the world.
4
How in the world did you get " . . . four guys going to Atlanta for gambling" confused with four guys going to Atlantic City for a networking event?
1
The following is copied from the article which appeared in the ATLANTIC 'last spring.'
>On December 13, 2014, the day of Steve’s injury, he said goodbye to his family at his Brooklyn home sometime around noon, and headed into Atlantic City for a day of gambling with four work colleagues. He had three or four drinks over the course of the afternoon, texted Amber silly pictures of himself smiling at the Borgata casino, and thinks he might have won money (she later found $1,000 in his wallet.) At some point, the men had dinner at Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant in the casino. Around midnight, they left the casino for the parking lot, but Steve went back in to use the bathroom and then returned to the car. <<
'dog girl's' confounding Atlanta with Atlantic City is an understandable error. But did she make up a gambling trip or had she read the other article?
Both the NYTimes article and the Atlantic article
contain some inexplicable failures to get a full story and to tell a full story. Ms (?Doctor?) Mishkin is the chief source of one and the author of the second. It is as though she is at once eager to publicize the story while retaining privacy about some aspects and, perhaps, even avoiding investigation of some aspects.
It may not be wise to publicize something that contains elements that one does not want to reveal. And a reader who expects 'all the news that's fit to print' may feel a bit disappointed and annoyed.
>On December 13, 2014, the day of Steve’s injury, he said goodbye to his family at his Brooklyn home sometime around noon, and headed into Atlantic City for a day of gambling with four work colleagues. He had three or four drinks over the course of the afternoon, texted Amber silly pictures of himself smiling at the Borgata casino, and thinks he might have won money (she later found $1,000 in his wallet.) At some point, the men had dinner at Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant in the casino. Around midnight, they left the casino for the parking lot, but Steve went back in to use the bathroom and then returned to the car. <<
'dog girl's' confounding Atlanta with Atlantic City is an understandable error. But did she make up a gambling trip or had she read the other article?
Both the NYTimes article and the Atlantic article
contain some inexplicable failures to get a full story and to tell a full story. Ms (?Doctor?) Mishkin is the chief source of one and the author of the second. It is as though she is at once eager to publicize the story while retaining privacy about some aspects and, perhaps, even avoiding investigation of some aspects.
It may not be wise to publicize something that contains elements that one does not want to reveal. And a reader who expects 'all the news that's fit to print' may feel a bit disappointed and annoyed.
1
In 1957, when she was 40 and I was 6, my mother suffered a severe rupture of what was likely an AVM (Arterial Venus Malformation). To save her life the solution was to surgically tie off the right carotid artery. This essentially caused the equivalent of a severe stroke and total paralysis on her left side. This solution most likely destroyed most of the right side of her brain due to the instantaneous loss of circulation.
Strangely, other than the paralysis, she only seemed to loose the ability to tell time and the sense of time. She had seizures for a few years but learned to walk again and lived until she was 75 although she never drove a car again.
Sadly my sister died at age 65 with the same problem but so severe there was no chance for any surgical intervention.
Obviously the brain is a mysterious and wonderful organ.
My mother never gave up and seemed to have the attitude that no matter what life threw at you the solution was just to work through it without drama and just keep going. I credit her with teaching me the same. It was not a lesson she attempted to teach but just something I learned by example. Her lessons left me with a Zen like approach to living life very much in the present.
Those that have difficult afflictions with what might crush some people, seem to have the ability to recover and teach us lessons we might not learn by any other method.
So Amber, for you .... Thanks Steve. For me .... Thanks Mom.
Strangely, other than the paralysis, she only seemed to loose the ability to tell time and the sense of time. She had seizures for a few years but learned to walk again and lived until she was 75 although she never drove a car again.
Sadly my sister died at age 65 with the same problem but so severe there was no chance for any surgical intervention.
Obviously the brain is a mysterious and wonderful organ.
My mother never gave up and seemed to have the attitude that no matter what life threw at you the solution was just to work through it without drama and just keep going. I credit her with teaching me the same. It was not a lesson she attempted to teach but just something I learned by example. Her lessons left me with a Zen like approach to living life very much in the present.
Those that have difficult afflictions with what might crush some people, seem to have the ability to recover and teach us lessons we might not learn by any other method.
So Amber, for you .... Thanks Steve. For me .... Thanks Mom.
4
A full-term stillbirth (the most traumatic life event a woman can survive) and traumatic brain injury in your family?
May the sun shine on you as often as possible, and wishing you joy and peace in every way.
May the sun shine on you as often as possible, and wishing you joy and peace in every way.
18
In Med school we would nervously joke about neurosurgery being "buzz&suck" with the sizzle of the electrocautery followed by the pieces of brain tissue zipping up the suction tube... it was often all we were able to see in the OR. Some quipped, "there go the piano lessons" to decompress from the tragedies unfolding before our eyes. It has taken a long careerto see now how resilient the human series can be. Some can flourish missing half a brain. Miraculous...
4
My oldest son suffered a severe brain trauma almost thirty years ago and sense over this period he has more fully recovered than either his mother or myself.
7
As to one's stillborn baby, and having read some of the other responses, I had a miscarriage at 2 months -- nowhere near the heartbreak a stillbirth causes -- and it was a deep trauma. I got wiggy, took my one-year old daughter's rag doll to bed with me and fell into a depression for some days or weeks, I don't remember. My husband was completely noncomforting.
He was in graduate school and working for a church down the street as janitor. The minister from the church dropped over to do his good deed but didn't ask to talk with me, which I took as a disappointment. Our friends, hearing about it (one an assistant minister of that same church) never came over or sent condolences.
My point is that neither ministers nor, in general, psychotherapists (I became one later) -- or friends -- or the society know or have language with which to express commiseration when a baby who never lived has died.
[Unrelated, but...One more thing people and professionals don't understand how to empathize with and don't understand that it's a trauma, is the trauma of being betrayed by one's spouse having an affair. The betrayed person should be supported as one would be if one were widowed.]
Anyway, I deeply understand the author's sense of betrayal by her husband's not understanding her grief. (Sometimes doctors don't understand the need for a funeral. They used to whisk the stillborn baby away, out of sight. But death rituals are very very helpful.)
He was in graduate school and working for a church down the street as janitor. The minister from the church dropped over to do his good deed but didn't ask to talk with me, which I took as a disappointment. Our friends, hearing about it (one an assistant minister of that same church) never came over or sent condolences.
My point is that neither ministers nor, in general, psychotherapists (I became one later) -- or friends -- or the society know or have language with which to express commiseration when a baby who never lived has died.
[Unrelated, but...One more thing people and professionals don't understand how to empathize with and don't understand that it's a trauma, is the trauma of being betrayed by one's spouse having an affair. The betrayed person should be supported as one would be if one were widowed.]
Anyway, I deeply understand the author's sense of betrayal by her husband's not understanding her grief. (Sometimes doctors don't understand the need for a funeral. They used to whisk the stillborn baby away, out of sight. But death rituals are very very helpful.)
6
When tragedy strikes, people shrink from it, even those in the tragedy industry...
4
My brilliant father in law doctor had a horrible fall thanksgiving night 2005. He was knocked unconscious after he hit the back of his head hard on the sidewalk as he slipped while taking his dog for a late night walk on a cold evening. Although vigorous at 80 years old and still actively teaching medical school students and seeing patients the neurosurgeon told us to prepare for the inevitable. They said he would not make it through the night. They drilled a hole in his head to drain accumulating fluid and relieve the pressure. He could not name the current president, remember the date or recognize his relatives.
After 6 days in the ICU, an additional 30 days in a rehab hospital and a few months of convalescing at home he made a remarkable recovery. He continued practicing medicine and teaching until finally retiring at 90. We recently celebrated his 91st birthday and he's making plans to spend February in the warmth of Arizona.
A few years ago we ran into his neurosurgeon socially. He immediately remembered his patient from long ago and asked about him (he fully expected to be told he had long since passed away from his injuries). When told of his recovery he was dumbstruck. "That is a miracle and I never use that word" he stuttered. "I put his chance of survival that night at 0%."
The human brain is really the final frontier and we still have a lot to learn.
After 6 days in the ICU, an additional 30 days in a rehab hospital and a few months of convalescing at home he made a remarkable recovery. He continued practicing medicine and teaching until finally retiring at 90. We recently celebrated his 91st birthday and he's making plans to spend February in the warmth of Arizona.
A few years ago we ran into his neurosurgeon socially. He immediately remembered his patient from long ago and asked about him (he fully expected to be told he had long since passed away from his injuries). When told of his recovery he was dumbstruck. "That is a miracle and I never use that word" he stuttered. "I put his chance of survival that night at 0%."
The human brain is really the final frontier and we still have a lot to learn.
19
Steve’s marvelous recovery should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with Lloyd Blankfein’s “We are doing God’s work” speech. If Steve’s charmed life continued after he left GS for another bank, it would be an indisputable proof that all bankers – not just GS – are doing God’s work.
QED
QED
5
Tumiwisi - read the Atlantic article linked in the 4th paragraph :)
Remarkable story !
Perseverance, faith and love indeed prevail. We need such stories to remind ourselves what matters most! Esp. when ambience is polluted and the basic decorum is missing from the nation's scene.
Thank you for sharing your story
Perseverance, faith and love indeed prevail. We need such stories to remind ourselves what matters most! Esp. when ambience is polluted and the basic decorum is missing from the nation's scene.
Thank you for sharing your story
6
Yours is a truly wonderful story. What courage you and your husband and your children have. What love you displayed during this time.
Just wonderful to hear.
Just wonderful to hear.
9
Thank you for sharing your beautiful (yet painful), immensely hopeful story. I loved the lesson for all of us from Steve - no matter what pain besets you, keep on moving forward.
12
Thank you. My ferociously motivated daughter was also severely injured, like your husband.A year ago she was at the top of her law school class, getting ready to graduate. she has spent the last eleven months recovering from being hit by an 8600 pound van on Christmas Eve. She is getting ready to go back to school and regain her life. Thank you for reminding me that others are in a journey similar to ours.
34
I totally agree with Passion for Peaches. I have three friends who lost their baby at the end of a pregnancy, and they all were heartbroken that their husbands did not feel the same loss as they did. I was lucky to have three healthy children, and I fell in love with them in utero. Everytime they kicked it was a miracle. My husband who turned out to be an excellent father, would never say he loved the infant as he did "not know the baby yet." I thought that was so odd. As I grew older and understood that men and woman are very different in some ways and do not have the same bonding for nine months as most women do.
13
Or -- your particular husband might have had early experiences which taught him that a fetus in utero may not have the viability of a baby who one can see and hold and look back. He may have been protecting himself?
1
Brain injuries are scary--not just for the patient, but for the family as well. Each brain injury survivor experiences their recovery--and life afterwards---in a unique way. Some become depressed, angry, happy, withdrawn, etc. There is always a change--and that means forever. Certainly, those emotions and side effects may come and go, but a brain injury is forever.
There is a misconception that brain injuries are equal to mental illness. They are two separate conditions. Society does not understand this, nor does the medical profession, in general. There are a lot of misconceptions to this "invisible" disability---and it is a disability, a life-long one once the injury has occurred.
There is a misconception that brain injuries are equal to mental illness. They are two separate conditions. Society does not understand this, nor does the medical profession, in general. There are a lot of misconceptions to this "invisible" disability---and it is a disability, a life-long one once the injury has occurred.
11
Troublesome also for soldiers who have TBI which only shows beneath the surface & these are so often society's jetsom found on our streets, in our jails, & finally in our morgues never understood or offered real help...
3
Not predictable, Not preventable, Not Repairable. Those were the words the doctor told me when my husband had a spontaneous mid cranial bled and lost 30% of his left lobe in an instant. They also said any recovery would take place within the first six months with minimal recover after that. They were wrong. Four years in to it and he continues to improve his ability to speak, solve problems and socialize. Ironically, he too was a mathematician but no longer can write, read or do any arithmetic. Even miracles take time.
23
How terrifying.
And how heartening that he is continuing to recover.
And how heartening that he is continuing to recover.
9
WOW you give us all something to think about.
When I was in 3rd grade my father got both spinal and bulbar polio and lived 9 years before his death totally paralyzed and unable to breath without assistance. He made the best of it with the help of my mother and his 9 children just like Steve. My parents are still teaching me life's deep lessons from the grave. Ther is no substitute for adapting and moving on.
Go Steve!
When I was in 3rd grade my father got both spinal and bulbar polio and lived 9 years before his death totally paralyzed and unable to breath without assistance. He made the best of it with the help of my mother and his 9 children just like Steve. My parents are still teaching me life's deep lessons from the grave. Ther is no substitute for adapting and moving on.
Go Steve!
9
As a sufferer of multiple traumatic brain injuries who ultimately lost my career to the consequences I nonetheless draw great strength from this story. The human brain is one of the wonders of the universe and one of its primary products, love, is equally wondrous. As others have said in these comments, "I'm still here!" And the thanks for that goes to a number of great brains and vast infusions of love!
17
The linked article from The Atlantic brings up a disturbing aspect of this man's remarkable recovery. He lived and regained function because he was in a private hospital, not public; he was worked on immediately by the best surgeons, not trainees or whoever was on call that night; he had excellent medical insurance and major medical, which covered extended care; and he had a family affluent enough that his wife could take leave from her job to care for him. This is not the level of care available to the average Joe in the United States.
28
I don't think you completely understand academic medicine. The most advanced health care in the world is done at US academic centers. There are trainees, yes, but those aren't the people doing brain surgery in the middle of the night because they happen to be on call. That's not the way it works.
3
While these elements may be true, there is no way to know how many and to what extent they may have contributed to Steve's outcome. Despite his apparently comfortable economic status (which certainly his healthcare team was aware of), his prognosis was nonetheless grim. The human mind and spirit has shown time and again in stories of "impossible" recoveries that they are truly forces to be reckoned with!
3
The main trauma hospital in a city is usually an inner-city public hospital, and this is where you find the doctors with the most experience with TBIs. This is also where you find the residents who are training to care for TBI patients because they go to train under the best.
I have a TBI and we were told to get my care at the public hospital with the trauma center, not at the nationally ranked private hospital in my city. The bathrooms were not the cleanest but the physicians and physical therapists caring for the TBI patients were excellent and the care I got was better in a number of ways than the care a friend of mine got at the nationally ranked private hospital.
I have a TBI and we were told to get my care at the public hospital with the trauma center, not at the nationally ranked private hospital in my city. The bathrooms were not the cleanest but the physicians and physical therapists caring for the TBI patients were excellent and the care I got was better in a number of ways than the care a friend of mine got at the nationally ranked private hospital.
3
Thank you for this story.
7
I love a happy ending!
6
Me to!
I'm so glad your husband recovered and what an ordeal it was for you all. I feel there is one difference between coping with your husband's accident with your stillborn. The latter is a real loss. Whereas with the former, you had to act and deal with the present and make plans for the future to accommodate your husband's needs. I find the brain likes to solve problems and keep busy and be with purpose. With your husband, you had great purpose. With Sophia, you WERE going to have great purpose but it was taken away. I would have been devastated with such a loss, too. The brain, especially when sad, it needs things to do.
7
I have to admit I eat stories like this one up; in 1981, I was jaywalking in the evening on a Manhattan sidestreet when a car knocked me down and I spent a month in a coma and traction. I had a closed head injury, with—I was told later—a rather significant "head bleed."
I don't wish a brain injury on anyone; it's the most devastating type of injury that can happen to anyone, and robs you of yourself. But, I grudgingly admit, being able to come back from such a devastating injury can be a brethtaking, life-affirming achievement. Go Steve!
I don't wish a brain injury on anyone; it's the most devastating type of injury that can happen to anyone, and robs you of yourself. But, I grudgingly admit, being able to come back from such a devastating injury can be a brethtaking, life-affirming achievement. Go Steve!
23
Marriages are reeling under a new wave of feminism stimulated by the Trump/Clinton clash. This story shows a special love of a man and woman in traumatic circumstances. It is inspirational. I am grateful for the perspective. Remarkable. Thank you.
7
If a wave of feminism inspired by Trump's swinishness makes marriages reel, there was something very wrong with them in the first place.
3
lovely story. It is wonderful that he has progressed do well. Let us also remember that there are many wonderful, intelligent, unique, loving people who do not fair as well. This is not for lack of effort on their part, or because they aren't special enough. It just is so. It is part of the randomness of human experience.
24
I also have a TBI (from a car accident) and had an engineer boyfriend who who supported me through the years of recovery. I also can attest to the helpfulness of looking at the injury as a set of problems to be solved. The recovery is unimaginably slow and uncertain, but focusing on the tiny things that are improving right now helps keeps you positive. You feel so helpless, but solving small problems gives you back some feeling of control and of accomplishment.
23
No damage can ever completely be undone, which is why many people buy new cars instead after an accident. But who wants to feel like they're driving a rental all their life?
Stillbirth is one of the neglected areas of medical research. It is distressingly common, usually the cause is not known, and very little research is done on how to prevent it (first, find the causes). In this it is like SIDS, but there a simple prescription (put sleeping babies on their backs) has reduced the rate of SIDS by nearly half.
3
Thanks for such a loving and encouraging story. Thanks too, to those who are fighting for adequate healthcare for all. Believe me, disability is not only life-changing and emotionally challenging, it's also expensive. And all who encounter it, or any medical issue, should have access to good care.
11
A word of caution to relatives of people who have sustained traumatic brain injuries. The "single-minded determination" that helps propel Steve into healing is not available to everyone. Sometimes that's precisely what the TBI has damaged. So please don't fault your loved one if he or she doesn't rise to the occasion with such elan.
93
This is a beautiful story with a lovely outcome, but imagine if the family did not have quality insurance coverage or finances to support his recovery.
71
Sounded like his employer let him go. That would have left any insurance up to Cobra.
3
What an uplifting story !! Refreshing to read some good news and no hate filled rants! May you continue to have great health and a good outlook!
27
How can a physician choose to use those frigid words "inconsistent with life" when speaking with an emotionally shredded spouse? I cannot get that phrase out of my head now.
I can well understand the writer's anger when her husband did not appear to grieve adequately for their stillborn, full-term child. However, although that disengagement may have been partly attributable to his logical, mathematical mindset, it may also have had to do with the physical way fathers bond with their newborn children. They don't have the nine months of hormonal prep the gestating moms do, after all. When handed a burbling, warm, sweet-smelling baby, a father usually experiences a release of bonding hormones. Perhaps with a stillborn that did not happen. Hence the detachment. Perhaps more empathy for his wife was needed, but I wouldn't hold the lack of apparent grief against the guy. For him the child was likely never fully real.
I can well understand the writer's anger when her husband did not appear to grieve adequately for their stillborn, full-term child. However, although that disengagement may have been partly attributable to his logical, mathematical mindset, it may also have had to do with the physical way fathers bond with their newborn children. They don't have the nine months of hormonal prep the gestating moms do, after all. When handed a burbling, warm, sweet-smelling baby, a father usually experiences a release of bonding hormones. Perhaps with a stillborn that did not happen. Hence the detachment. Perhaps more empathy for his wife was needed, but I wouldn't hold the lack of apparent grief against the guy. For him the child was likely never fully real.
34
Years ago my father had developed and been treated for a condition that was misdiagnosed. When it was finally correctly diagnosed, the doctor at the time told him to "get his affairs in order." I still can't imagine hearing (or saying) such a thing, even decades later. This condition helped hasten his death a few years after this so I don't suppose the doctor was wrong, but a little bedside manner wouldn't have hurt.
3
I too was struck by the phrase "inconsistent with life" because it was EXACTLY the term that my neurosurgeon used frequently with me when discussing my swelling brain tumor (now successfully removed). It is an unusual term, but perhaps common neuro-doc speech meant to convey urgency.
15
"Inconsistent with life" is in the realm of medical terminology, and purely descriptive; I don't know why you find it so reprehensible.
1
We love a good story, and yours is outstanding. It reveals the survival instincts of the human spirit, the embrace of the gift of life, it's potential fulfilled in spite of a tragedy leading, more often than not, to dire consequences. No regrets, I trust.
20
Beautiful story. I too believe that true survival demands focus, forward momentum and joy. That may mean letting go of being a victim and the conditions that created such struggle. And yet, as a reader, a third party, I cannot help but be angered by "friends" or "colleagues" who call 911, drop off luggage and say no more. A crime has been committed.
25
My adult son and I were discussing this article and we think some thing is extremely fishy with the guys that he went with to Atlantic City. Have they not been questioned about the circumstances surrounding this "accident". Thankfully he has recovered but if I were his wife as well as him I would want a detailed account of what happened. We read the article in The Atlantic as well ( one of our favorite magazines)
12
Thank you for a beautiful story of love and constancy, family and ferocity. I am sorry this happened to you family, but elated life went on, as so often, with courage and faith and fortitude, it does.
24
I, too, survived brain surgery. I had fallen on the street when going to an after-work gathering. The neurosurgeon removed a baseball-sized tumor from my brain. Because of his skill and gentle manner, I was able to return to work 12 weeks later. I love reading about others' good outcomes from brain surgery.
62
Thank you for this beautifully written article. I do not have an injury, but I too am searching for the path forward and take heart in your words.
29
Hope things continue to go as well for this couple. But, as a nurse, I know they still have MANY bridges to cross! More power to them!
21
I got hung up on the bit about how his colleagues "had been with him all day, but couldn’t explain what happened to him"... How is this possible?
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Example would be, found him injured somewhere, or were called by police, accompanied him to hospital, remained with him.
7
I thought this story was sketchy the first time I read it in The Atlantic. Someone beat the guy to within an inch of his life...and I'm not sure exactly why. Sketchy.
8
I just wrote a comment about that -agree with you! Something is fishy here!
6
Wonderful story, filled with determination and hope! Thank you.
http://www.thecriticalmom.blogspot.com
http://www.thecriticalmom.blogspot.com
9
I have survived a traumatic brain injury. That doesn't mean that I am the same person that I was before I was assaulted in 2004. Well my name is the same as it was before I am not the same person. To be able to speak,read or find the correct word when the best I can do is describe it is a small result of my assault and it's sequela. I don't remember the greater part of my son growing up. I did the best that I could with what I had left. It took me so long to realize that I have lost a great deal and gained a great deal. I found strength where I thought I would never find any. I lost love where I thought it would naturally be present.
I have discovered there is way too much ignorance in this world that is perceived by me as arrogance.
Hey I look fine so I must be fine. That's one of the worst things for me to hear. Yet I know that everyone that I speak with has a brain even though I can't see it. I now know not to assume that it's working properly and that it can understand what it's like to live the life of someone with a brain injury.
But it's OK. The doctors said it couldn't be done. I have always been a believer that failure is not an option even when you were being tested all alone and have no supporters. Dammit I'm still here. The story is not warm and fuzzy but it's a story nonetheless.
Maxine Susseles
Hartsdale NY
I have discovered there is way too much ignorance in this world that is perceived by me as arrogance.
Hey I look fine so I must be fine. That's one of the worst things for me to hear. Yet I know that everyone that I speak with has a brain even though I can't see it. I now know not to assume that it's working properly and that it can understand what it's like to live the life of someone with a brain injury.
But it's OK. The doctors said it couldn't be done. I have always been a believer that failure is not an option even when you were being tested all alone and have no supporters. Dammit I'm still here. The story is not warm and fuzzy but it's a story nonetheless.
Maxine Susseles
Hartsdale NY
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Thank you for writing this Maxine. You are compassionate, which means you are walking humbly, a true gift of life for those who can reach it.
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You are winning, winning what used to be considered unwinnable. That's what counts. It does feel horrible, it feels insulting, it feels like: "How can they say I'm alright because I look fine when I am obviously NOT fine?"
Our soul is damaged -- our soul, the essence of who we are, what we feel on the inside while showing a straight (perhaps blank) face to the world. The brain cells that form our soul, our emotional life, are damaged/dead, and we wait for healthy neurons to take their place. It took me 10 years. But it did happen.
After 10 years, I once again felt sunshine, shooting stars, a child's smile, beautiful cumulus clouds, flowers, autumn leaves, spring buds, and touching a snowflake for a split-second before it melted. It will happen.
We are all sleeping beauties, all snow white maidens who have fallen into a long trance -- but one day, our brains will heal and once again we will feel whole. I had resigned myself to living a life where I would be a soulless copy of my former self, a shadow self. I had lost all hope. But one day, after 10 years, I woke up and abracadabra -- I was back, minus the balance, coordination and vision. By comparison, these pale.
My brain had healed. Don't give up. Your brain is healing. One day you will feel whole again.
Our soul is damaged -- our soul, the essence of who we are, what we feel on the inside while showing a straight (perhaps blank) face to the world. The brain cells that form our soul, our emotional life, are damaged/dead, and we wait for healthy neurons to take their place. It took me 10 years. But it did happen.
After 10 years, I once again felt sunshine, shooting stars, a child's smile, beautiful cumulus clouds, flowers, autumn leaves, spring buds, and touching a snowflake for a split-second before it melted. It will happen.
We are all sleeping beauties, all snow white maidens who have fallen into a long trance -- but one day, our brains will heal and once again we will feel whole. I had resigned myself to living a life where I would be a soulless copy of my former self, a shadow self. I had lost all hope. But one day, after 10 years, I woke up and abracadabra -- I was back, minus the balance, coordination and vision. By comparison, these pale.
My brain had healed. Don't give up. Your brain is healing. One day you will feel whole again.
6
The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places. Ernest Hemingway
(Thanks to brainyquote.com)
(Thanks to brainyquote.com)
What an inspiring story out of tragedy. God bless you both as you continue to move forward.
16
The human spirit and neuroplasticity of the brain at their best!
21
A beautiful, inspiring story of traumatic brain injury, its painful recovery, and of the frustrations the patient and family undergo.
In 1993, I suffered a fall in a grocery store while shopping with my 2 year, 9-month-old daughter. She suddenly crawled out of the cart and into my arms, and we became airborne. I slipped on a large puddle of water.
The medical profession at that time assumed that non-auto accidents were usually not serious. A meter maid for the next town over saw the fall and thought I’d be bleeding, she said, based on the thud she heard. I went to the hospital by ambulance, where they took a CT-scan, which revealed a contusion, and to rest at home.
Not long after, I was hospitalized for two weeks with bi-lateral pneumonia, strep, pleural effusion, hemophilus, and legionella and had lost two pints of blood. An MRI showed a depressed skull fracture, as well as bleeding and swelling on the right side of the brain. Subsequent MRIs revealed diffuse bleeding and swelling, broken vertebrae.
I was not able to continue as a technology journalist. I slept day and night for weeks, months, years. My vision worsened.
I was in a day-time rehab program, but it was torture to drive there. When a police car honks for you to drive faster -- you’re driving too slowly.
My balance was off. It's still off. I cannot ski, skate or ride my bike. But there's the gym!
I’ve returned to journalism. I’ve had an article published in a high-school textbook. And I’m still here.
In 1993, I suffered a fall in a grocery store while shopping with my 2 year, 9-month-old daughter. She suddenly crawled out of the cart and into my arms, and we became airborne. I slipped on a large puddle of water.
The medical profession at that time assumed that non-auto accidents were usually not serious. A meter maid for the next town over saw the fall and thought I’d be bleeding, she said, based on the thud she heard. I went to the hospital by ambulance, where they took a CT-scan, which revealed a contusion, and to rest at home.
Not long after, I was hospitalized for two weeks with bi-lateral pneumonia, strep, pleural effusion, hemophilus, and legionella and had lost two pints of blood. An MRI showed a depressed skull fracture, as well as bleeding and swelling on the right side of the brain. Subsequent MRIs revealed diffuse bleeding and swelling, broken vertebrae.
I was not able to continue as a technology journalist. I slept day and night for weeks, months, years. My vision worsened.
I was in a day-time rehab program, but it was torture to drive there. When a police car honks for you to drive faster -- you’re driving too slowly.
My balance was off. It's still off. I cannot ski, skate or ride my bike. But there's the gym!
I’ve returned to journalism. I’ve had an article published in a high-school textbook. And I’m still here.
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Congratulations on your recovery, even if it took quite awhile.
I as a Recovery Guide must say that I am impressed about Love and the Power of it.
14
I am so glad I read this amazing story. It is beyond inspiring. I so understand the issues of anger and frustrations in regard to the medical system and more. I was disabled by an accident years ago. A good friend who was disabled said to me very shortly after my accident that I needed to try to pull myself together or I would lose those important in my life. I took her advise to heed. I fought for many years, travelled many miles, spent a large amount of money to find out what I needed after my HMO denied me help. I finally got my operation after many year of fighting and recently purchased a new machine which has reduced my pain tremendously. It stops pain signals gong to the brain. I have a new life. I am also a cancer survivor. Moving forward is the only thing I want to do. My best friends took me in to live with them while going through chemotherapy and took me in again when I had my spinal fusion. They were the support I had. My friends are my family as I live so far from my own family. As I decrease my medication due to the new machine, my mind is so much more clear and I am back in school, looking forward to a great life. I am now 60 yeas old. With time I'm forgetting the past as it does not serve me at all. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful and inspiring article. I wish all people going through this can read this.
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Kudos to you for your perseverance when the odds seemed stacked against you. I am happy for you that it is paying off long term.
Sounds like he had a fantastic surgeon.
38
The best of the best.
23
I am going to share this article with a friend who always manages to self-sabotage his own health and life. Attitude and a path forward are everything.
I found this story very inspiring.
I found this story very inspiring.
17
Your friend might be depressed. Handing him an article about a guy who's spontaneously doing so very much better than he is, with a vastly more difficult challenges, might not be a useful way to address depression...
20
Or it could give him some perspective. You just never know.
I hope Amber remembers that she needs to take care of herself
54
Thank you so much for sharing this story.
I have a family member who had a TBI, so many parts of the story were all too familiar. They were like signposts: the coma, the rehab, the dry erase boards. We have had some of the same luck, but not all of it.
One aspect that is different is the "incident." (Ours was warfarin plus a minor fall, with disastrous consequences.) I wonder what the Jersey City police found? Presumably they were at the train station shortly after 911 was called. In any case, I hope that a full investigation happened or is underway.
It's possible no one intended his awful injuries and finding out the details could disrupt some people's lives, but this family deserves answers. I hope someone has the courage to come clean.
I have a family member who had a TBI, so many parts of the story were all too familiar. They were like signposts: the coma, the rehab, the dry erase boards. We have had some of the same luck, but not all of it.
One aspect that is different is the "incident." (Ours was warfarin plus a minor fall, with disastrous consequences.) I wonder what the Jersey City police found? Presumably they were at the train station shortly after 911 was called. In any case, I hope that a full investigation happened or is underway.
It's possible no one intended his awful injuries and finding out the details could disrupt some people's lives, but this family deserves answers. I hope someone has the courage to come clean.
35
This felt overwhelming simply reading about it ( including the Atlantic article). So much depended on the strength of the family; and Amber Mishkin's loving and intelligent arranging of the constant learning experience that had to be provided, while being a rock for her children. She gives so much credit to her husband's tenacity; her tenacity is just as amazing.
As noted it was a gift that there was ample coverage insurance and access to the best care and rehabilitation. Imagine a spouse who had to fight an insurer and monitor the treatment costs, accept referral to rehab centers which do not have expertise in brain recovery, and possibly keep a job at the same time.
As noted it was a gift that there was ample coverage insurance and access to the best care and rehabilitation. Imagine a spouse who had to fight an insurer and monitor the treatment costs, accept referral to rehab centers which do not have expertise in brain recovery, and possibly keep a job at the same time.
117
I have so much admiration for this family. Steve's determination in the face of such tragedy is such an inspiration. And what an amazing partner he has: unbelievable love, support, strength, smarts, and perseverance. Amber is my hero:)
34
I hope there's a screenwriter picking up the rights to this story because it sure would be one inspiring movie to see on the big screen: we all could use some more inspirations of love in our lives. Powerful.
15
Having known Steve Mishkin since we were kids in elementary school, and having lived with him for years when we attended college, I can attest to not only his strength but also his intelligence and his humility. Amber, he's very lucky to have found someone like you to support him through what was undoubtedly his greatest challenge yet. When I last spoke to him about a month ago, he was able to recall so many memories - even some that I had forgotten about!! He's truly astonishing and your story of love, courage and perseverance is one we can all learn from. Thanks for sharing!
154
Please see this beautiful book written and illustrated by a survivor of a catastrophic brain injury. This is an eye opener, created by someone who is talented enough to convey the story of a horror conquered by everlasting good. Here is the link:
https://www.amazon.com/Practically-Bulletproof-Michael-Taratuta-ebook/dp...
https://www.amazon.com/Practically-Bulletproof-Michael-Taratuta-ebook/dp...
Love is the one thing that no one can take away from you in life. There are big moments but small moments, too, in a marriage when it feels so strongly that you and your spouse are so right for each other that it must be destiny.
23
A marvelous recovery - I'm so happy for you and your family. Very sad about Steve's initial injuries.
17
Amber, this is an incredible piece of your story and I was overcome with emotion reading it, just as I was when I read the article in The Atlantic. It's so powerful to hear your words and you are both truly an inspiration to persevere and to love. Steve is miraculous! Thank you for sharing your words and emotions to help others. Life is a precious gift.
21
My dad's recovery from stroke won him loyalies and help. He was more ordinary but with same characteristics given here. That other recognized his capacity to regrow, and his humility to accept being handle, made his story a continuing story. Only a very very very rare few make a complete recovery. I have know three in my days.
14
I wish this family the best of everything and I think them for sharing their story of survival and resilience. I had a brain injury and have felt the frustration and grief of not being the same as before. But I also know how the brain can re-wire itself. It's really a remarkable gift to be able to resume "life"... even if it is much different.
23
This is a beautifully written article and such an inspiration. I am so grateful that this personal story is being shared. After reading about the struggles and perseverance of all the members in this family I'm inspired to overcome my own struggles with a more positive outlook. I wish this family many more years of happiness.
21
This is an incredible story of determination, love and miracles. I am not sure what came first but all 3 were needed for this family to rebuild. I'm inspired by their love and connection and sheer, sheer unwillingness to give up. I cannot imagine being that strong, I'd like to think I have it in me but after reading this I am not sure I do. But I sure am proud there are people like this in the world that I can learn from and be inspired by. We are all so busy being mad at one other or letting our polarizing views get int he way, its heart warming to see people rise above all that insanity and love each other enough to get well. Thank you NYT for sharing stories like this.
21
Such a beautifully written, moving article. Thank you for sharing your story Amber. I find inspiration in it.
18
A beautifully written and very powerful testament to overcoming the most unthinkable of struggles with hope and grace. We can all learn a lot about strength, endurance and love from this story.
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