I've learned lately, after the end of relationship, that the "drama free" thing is great only if both partners are being honest with themselves and each other about how they feel things are going in the relationship. I kind of get her point here. You have to pick your battles, for sure, but that doesn't mean that you have to have knock down drag out screaming matches. Nor does every minor thing that bugs either of you need to be stewed over silently until the breaking point she describes here. What I hear her say: just pay attention to your gut. If you feel something is wrong over a long period of time, don't let it go. If you do, then you end up like her and her husband: genuinely attached to each other, but unable to live together because of differences that were never discussed, negotiated, or even understood.
54
Interesting essay. Its very personal, and forthcoming.
One thing I take issue with is her assessment of someone saying they are "drama-free". She believes its a retread of what she experienced.
On the other hand, I believe someone saying "drama-free" merely means said person does not get completely hysterical over every comment, slight, situation, etc. There are, actually, people who are not hyper-sensitized to their environs and interactions with others. In other words? Some people just have a relaxed attitude. Its how one is wired.
One thing I take issue with is her assessment of someone saying they are "drama-free". She believes its a retread of what she experienced.
On the other hand, I believe someone saying "drama-free" merely means said person does not get completely hysterical over every comment, slight, situation, etc. There are, actually, people who are not hyper-sensitized to their environs and interactions with others. In other words? Some people just have a relaxed attitude. Its how one is wired.
17
Maybe there was nothing really "wrong" with their marriage. Maybe marriages, like any relationship, can simply change through many years and many circumstances. Maybe it is not a failure of a relationship, but a flaw in expectations that really matters here. We expect a marriage to last through our entire lives, and that might be unrealistic for most people. Maybe it needs to be ok to expect that marriage won't last and that, when the time comes, people need to be free to move on with their own lives. It doesn't really have to involve "fault" on the part of anyone or anything. "All things must pass..." Maybe.
34
My parents were married nearly 61 years and from my perspective had this kind of marriage. My father is not the type to discuss any heartfelt feelings, and I believe that my mother, now deceased, suffered greatly. I asked her several times why she stayed with him, and her response was always the same: "I've given that alot of thought and decided I was better off with him than without him." This breaks my heart for her still. At the end of her life, in a nursing home, with dementia, I ashed her if there was anything she needed. She replied: "Love." It was the last word I ever heard her say.
127
There's something that bothers me about this, besides the fact that it's a strangely stilted, two-dimensional account.
Why was it up to the husband to join his wife on the couch? Why didn't she take the initiative to go into the kitchen with her reading, and stand next to him, companionably, as he read? The fact that his failure to go to her was cited as the moment at which her rage finally boiled says to me that the whole dynamic it suggests, passivity in the face of anger, is a key issue here. It's also what I felt in the author's description of how her life and relationship with her ex-husband are presented to the outside world. Passivity, a certain apathy, but most of all, suppression of the truth, with a lot of negative feelings roiling beneath the affable facade she presents to the world.
This is neither a healthy nor an estimable way to live.
Why was it up to the husband to join his wife on the couch? Why didn't she take the initiative to go into the kitchen with her reading, and stand next to him, companionably, as he read? The fact that his failure to go to her was cited as the moment at which her rage finally boiled says to me that the whole dynamic it suggests, passivity in the face of anger, is a key issue here. It's also what I felt in the author's description of how her life and relationship with her ex-husband are presented to the outside world. Passivity, a certain apathy, but most of all, suppression of the truth, with a lot of negative feelings roiling beneath the affable facade she presents to the world.
This is neither a healthy nor an estimable way to live.
31
I read this article when it first came out and have just spent a few minutes scrolling through the recent comments. I might as well add my two cents' worth. A book that helped my husband and me understand each other is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's a simple concept - we experience love and intimacy in different ways. For me it's conversation, and not just any conversation: an ongoing exchange of ideas, a continual back and forth with two engaged, thinking parties. For my husband it's physical intimacy (as distinct from a desire for sex). Knowing this helps us each to make the effort needed to meet the other's needs in the way we each want them met. We may not be perfect, but we're still together after 12 years.
19
Ouch. This is alarmingly close.
I still feel guilty about it. We raised great kids. And I believe I was what she needed at the time. But it still makes me sad.
I still feel guilty about it. We raised great kids. And I believe I was what she needed at the time. But it still makes me sad.
21
LP: well and thoughtfully done. The past is always present; what came before, in our lives, affects and forms the patterns of our relationships in the present. This is so whether the past (I am here shooting back to family of origin) was healthy or dysfunctional. When the presence of the past in our present (sorry, couldn't resist the sonic rhythms) is unconscious, it can be a problem because then we are not fully present in our current moment. You have done (are doing, I suppose) the work to make your past conscious. Blessings...
7
A well-written, simple piece that both crushed my heart and made me, for the first time in my six-year relationship, appreciate the raging, passionate fights my partner and I from time to time have.
24
People give up too easily. I think it's selfish to split when you have kids (or even if you don't), just because you're unfulfilled, or it's hard, or you need to "live your best life". We are too focused on ourselves in this country...what kind of message does it give to kids when you can just give up if you don't like it anymore?
21
You're what's wrong in this country.....People give up too easily....seriously? That's what you retain from the article? Come on!!!!
And there is so much to say about your view on relationship...I won't even begin!
And there is so much to say about your view on relationship...I won't even begin!
53
I was in a relationship for 4 1/2 years with someone who is leading this kind of limbo separation. He is still married and lives next door to his wife in houses they own together. They also have children together. I held out hope that things would change and they have not. He refuses to divorce or move and start a life of true separation. I have had to end the relationship because it is too painful and complicated to share someone like this. I also believe it is confusing for the children.
23
That was nice!
5
36 years.
!. Don't expect your spouse to be the instrument of your self realization.
2. Tight boundaries
3. Never, ever brush something under the carpet. Confront it every time..Otherwise the heap will all come tumbling out one day.
4. Marriage is a Venn diagram. You are together and you are apart.
!. Don't expect your spouse to be the instrument of your self realization.
2. Tight boundaries
3. Never, ever brush something under the carpet. Confront it every time..Otherwise the heap will all come tumbling out one day.
4. Marriage is a Venn diagram. You are together and you are apart.
66
Thank you so much. That was the most emotionally devastatingly honest summary of what it feels like to survive a divorce. They're all happy, of course, but they're all a bit sad, too...
15
None of the comments I read said anything about breaking the commitment that was made to love one another and stick together through everything.
16
Divorce is legal in the U.S. and sometimes marriages fail. You're not inside their skins; do you really know what they experienced or how hard they did or didn't try?
14
An impossible promise is not binding. As George Bernard Shaw's Don Juan put it, "I [can] not answer for my feelings for a week in advance, much less to the end of my life". You can promise actions, but not feelings.
The most we can reasonably promise is to try sincerely.
The most we can reasonably promise is to try sincerely.
41
Something doesn't smell right to me. I'd love to hear his version of this story.
41
Agreed.
2
This article felt very familiar to me, although the friendship with my ex husband took us beyond 3 decades, and well beyond our marriage 'running it's course'. When you live in a desert and someone offers you a cool drink of water, it feels almost like a physiological imperative. Yes, I was unhappy, vulnerable and engaged in an affair. The possible ramifications of this came to life the day my then husband found out. I had crushed my closest friend, the one I had come this far with. The end game could have been a familial blood bath. But I vowed to do my best to leave the marriage with my head held high and respecting the pain and needs of others along the way. Since he is also a reasonable person, and had been living in the same desert, he followed my lead. We aren't best buddies, but we still share a lot. I didn't lose anyone that was solidly with me before and have gained so much. We are both dating and hopefully finding better matches for our current selves. I only wish my kids had had a better example of true connection and affection. We underestimate how important that is. Society in general seems to dictate that marriage is an all or nothing proposition. That leaving is always a sign of failure. But in our case it was more of an acknowledgement that things change. When we resist change, necessary life giving change, untoward things happen. We did wonderful work together, my husband and I, but not the kind that fills our need for that precious other.
50
My wife and I where together for twenty-nine years, twenty-four of those married.
Peaceful healthy happy, until she met an old boyfriend.
I let her off the hook quickly and easily, nothing lasts forever.
My advice to marrieds today, keep an eye on the technology, it can turn an insignificant spark into a blaze very quickly.
Peaceful healthy happy, until she met an old boyfriend.
I let her off the hook quickly and easily, nothing lasts forever.
My advice to marrieds today, keep an eye on the technology, it can turn an insignificant spark into a blaze very quickly.
61
A majority of my high school friends who got married, either after high school or college, have gotten divorced. Only a hand few are still married and the few that I know who are still married are truly miserable. I never got married and am relatively content and happy despite years of solitary solitude. Marriage in the west is a joke. Marriage, for the most part, benefits the woman, not so much the man. My advice? For men, never put a ring on it and vacation where women out number men. You'll never be lonely or dissatisfied with disappointment and you'll always have companionship with benefits.
15
We are coming up the 10 years of marriage, and see an explosion of divorces among our friends; couples who seemingly never had conflicts. We wonder how it got to that point from a perfect picture.
We have had a more turbulent marriage, with frequent conflicts - perhaps that is what makes it work?
We have had a more turbulent marriage, with frequent conflicts - perhaps that is what makes it work?
14
If you are both engaged in the relationship, that is probably what makes it work. The turbulence is a byproduct of being engaged.
21
We are animals; monkey see, monkey do. How I was raised is how I behave even though I've changed in some ways. Trauma averse, safety in retreat, yelling shuts me down. If you gently try to reason with me - it might work, I don't think I'll find out this visit.
6
This is the "she said" side of the story.
Does she resent that he did not want to fight for her?
Still waters can run deep, so maybe a "he said" part 2,to this could be fascinating.
I take issue with sharing one nest/one house post split - a lesson being taught here is passivity for the sake of convenience , regardless how rationalized it is. The core of home should not be this lukewarm, even "for the kids"
Does she resent that he did not want to fight for her?
Still waters can run deep, so maybe a "he said" part 2,to this could be fascinating.
I take issue with sharing one nest/one house post split - a lesson being taught here is passivity for the sake of convenience , regardless how rationalized it is. The core of home should not be this lukewarm, even "for the kids"
10
This describes my 16 year marriage. Living like this does not just cause boredom or provide no stage time to the attention-seeking. It is a daily corrosion of the sense of self. Over the years I tried couples therapy, giving him and us explicit ways to 'work' at the marriage, asking if he thought he was gay, or if I could have an affair. All of these were met with a non-response or no. It stings to get brushed off by someone in a bar. Try that feeling every day, with the person who is supposed to care for you and be the subject of your warmest feelings for the rest of your life.
Being ignored and dismissed on a daily basis is intolerable to both parties. To have natural feelings and emotions with no outlet. This is not about having no-one to chat with. This is fundamental, atavistic senses that are denied.
And for any children watching this non-relationship, they can see how diminished their parents become. I couldn't tolerate them believing that that was the only way to live with a spouse if you were both clearly unhappy.
Being ignored and dismissed on a daily basis is intolerable to both parties. To have natural feelings and emotions with no outlet. This is not about having no-one to chat with. This is fundamental, atavistic senses that are denied.
And for any children watching this non-relationship, they can see how diminished their parents become. I couldn't tolerate them believing that that was the only way to live with a spouse if you were both clearly unhappy.
82
The comments are as interesting as the article! Each commenter taking a side. I had a Communications professor years ago whose marriage almost imploded until she asked her spouse to do a comms exercise with her-write down what love means to him. They each did and switched papers. It changed the dynamic of their marriage and they decided against divorce.
There is no human interchange that is not benefitted by the truth.
There is no human interchange that is not benefitted by the truth.
37
well written beautiful article
15
This piece spoke to me in a way that "relationship articles" rarely do. Not because I'm one to suffer in silence in my marriage, but rather because it affirmed my strong belief in the importance of speaking my mind with my husband, and not leaving him guessing about my thoughts and feelings. It also reminded me (and my husband - because of course I insisted he read this piece as well) of some great advice we received from a older woman we randomly met in a restaurant shortly after we were married. This woman was with her husband of over fifty years - and we mentioned to her that we were newly married and hoped that we would still be enjoying each other's company years from now, as this woman and her spouse clearly were. This woman looked us straight in the eye and offered the following advice: "A good marriage is totally worth it . . . but just remember, sometimes you have to fight for it." Great advice indeed.
77
I found this article interesting up to the point...until i read that the couple share houses... Not sure what to make of that. But everyone has their way. I guess. Wondering how that is going to effect their children.
I have gotten used to my husband being quiet. I am not a quiet person. I am a very physical and social person. I know my spirit has been tempered... I am not sure what to do. I hear all the time: " your husband anchors the wild and crazy you" Not sure I like being anchored. But I don't like the alternative.
marriages are complicated. esp with kids.
I have gotten used to my husband being quiet. I am not a quiet person. I am a very physical and social person. I know my spirit has been tempered... I am not sure what to do. I hear all the time: " your husband anchors the wild and crazy you" Not sure I like being anchored. But I don't like the alternative.
marriages are complicated. esp with kids.
42
"Both of our cars are often in the driveway, meals are frequently eaten together and logistics make it easier for us adults to switch houses rather than our children doing so."
I read this as the kids always being in the house, and the adults rotating in and out. They are both there when the switchout is being made.
I read this as the kids always being in the house, and the adults rotating in and out. They are both there when the switchout is being made.
16
This resonated with me as I too walked away from a 17-year non-communicative marriage. In the 10 years since it ended I've had 2 heart breaks (a first for me) that stung like nothing I've ever experienced. That pain and the lessons learned were a blessing.
I've been single for over 6 years. Not a kiss to be had in that time. I am so engrossed in my life as it is that every now and then I think "oh I should date."
Then I read stories like this and I'm grateful for where I'm at.
When people ask if I have a boyfriend and I tell them no -- they look at me like something is wrong with me. I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Perhaps nothing...that's my hunch.
I've been single for over 6 years. Not a kiss to be had in that time. I am so engrossed in my life as it is that every now and then I think "oh I should date."
Then I read stories like this and I'm grateful for where I'm at.
When people ask if I have a boyfriend and I tell them no -- they look at me like something is wrong with me. I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Perhaps nothing...that's my hunch.
80
There is nothing wrong with you.
Why do women have to have a boyfriend/partner/husband to appear normal?
Why do both men and women jump from one relationship to another?
Why do both men and women not spend time alone to learn who they really are?
Why do women have to have a boyfriend/partner/husband to appear normal?
Why do both men and women jump from one relationship to another?
Why do both men and women not spend time alone to learn who they really are?
25
I hear there's a current movie about that, "Lobster". It's on your side.
4
I wish the author had not included the comment towards the end about sometimes bringing up a subject of "substance, just to see if we can do better. We can't." Notwithstanding the "we can't", it's a dig at the husband, quite unkind, and not in keeping with the tone of the essay. We sometimes inadvertently reveal uncomfortable truths. Those two sentences soured the essay for me.
17
Are you kidding? This piece is rife with digs at the husband. Sour indeed.
30
Yes well this is HER reflection on their marriage. And apparently she is learning how to voice her point of view. I know the emotional damage the silent type can inflict. The most damaging is the feeling of not being loved. I thought the writer was very careful and if there were "digs" they focused on their shared laziness and inattention to each other.
45
A thoughtful exploration of what went wrong, and the origins of this all important need for peace and quiet, and how two people have evolved, or not, at different rates. But a word of caution: just as you two were molded by the experiences of your respective childhoods to the point where you had a quiet but unsatisfying marriage as a result of your traumas, your children in their cottony safety will also be influenced by their parents marriage, and the way they "ended" it. They barely notice you are not a single unit family anymore, and that's because you still are. Just one person or the other fades out at different times.
I find this somehow disconcerting, and the jury is still out on how they will be affected by this. Are they too going to settle for partners that enter gently into the relationship and then go out just as gently into the dark night again? Will they know and understand boundaries? Will they accept strong emotions and be able to feel them themselves? Or will they be so afraid of strong feelings that when they meet someone who displays a passion for life, they will turn away because it is all too much for them?
I find this somehow disconcerting, and the jury is still out on how they will be affected by this. Are they too going to settle for partners that enter gently into the relationship and then go out just as gently into the dark night again? Will they know and understand boundaries? Will they accept strong emotions and be able to feel them themselves? Or will they be so afraid of strong feelings that when they meet someone who displays a passion for life, they will turn away because it is all too much for them?
18
Our enduring rule of married life for 42 years has been fight fair and fight often. It keeps the dust out of the channels of communication, perhaps the most important thing a married couple can do. We're about to go to dinner & I just know something is going to come up... It's the spice of life.
18
"I am no longer interested in silence."
The sounds of silence are the 7/8 of the iceberg of consciousness, what is going on in the iMagination.
Simon and Garfunkel were right.
It's the sounds of silence which shout the loudest.
The sounds of silence are the 7/8 of the iceberg of consciousness, what is going on in the iMagination.
Simon and Garfunkel were right.
It's the sounds of silence which shout the loudest.
14
A woman at my workplace is married to her fourth husband. The usual annoyances are sinking in. She told me, "if I had known that marriage with different men would be essentially the same, I would never have divorced my first husband."
101
Communication and intimacy are two sides of the same coin. Maybe one person likes sex, but without emotional intimacy. Or maybe one person wants sex once in a while, but without cuddling or kissing. Or maybe one wants kissing and cuddling, but without sex. Sharing such information is in itself an intimate act, but it doesn't mean the partner will be satisfied in the relationship. Sometimes people are just not compatible as marriage partners and, for whatever reason, don't find that out until they are already married. Maybe they didn't even know about themselves until they were married. As a wise young woman once said, "He makes a better friend than a husband." Ms. Pritchett and her ex are treating themselves, each other, and their children respectfully. That is important.
30
You're not really quiet. You just can't deal with a quiet husband.
29
I meant to type "dissociated" marriages.
Sorry.
Sorry.
3
Great article.
People who shy away from physical intimacy or proximity should not be in a relationship.
People who shy away from physical intimacy or proximity should not be in a relationship.
13
It might work if they are in a marriage with a person just like them. Then neither is asking for something the other can't give.
31
A friend recently expressed her frustration with an in-law's refusal to open up about her grief - while I understood her desire to share, she also had to understand that not everyone functions the same way, and that not sharing does not necessarily indicate lack of affection.I used to have the same type of expectations from family, and learned my lesson. (As the author notes, there was love in her marriage). We can't always expect others to interact with the world in the same way as we do.
But if that may be true with less intimate relationships, what of those we spend our lifetimes with?
Coming from a conflict-avoiding culture, plus my peacemaking personality and a high-sensitivity to others' feelings, I have struggled with the author's question. I do not think fury is necessary to show that one cares, to share feelings and lives - that depends on whether there is a difference of opinion that cannot be overcome.
But I found I was censuring myself because I know which topics, however harmless, might set my boyfriend off (who has been going through a very difficult time for a while) - when that occurs and becomes fury, no conversation took place anyway.
Yet, when his dam did break at a critical point last year, and he was able to let out his anger and sadness at his personal situation, we were able to have a truly substantial discussion and became much closer, clearing all had been left unsaid. And yes, because we both cared.
I am still figuring it out as I go.
But if that may be true with less intimate relationships, what of those we spend our lifetimes with?
Coming from a conflict-avoiding culture, plus my peacemaking personality and a high-sensitivity to others' feelings, I have struggled with the author's question. I do not think fury is necessary to show that one cares, to share feelings and lives - that depends on whether there is a difference of opinion that cannot be overcome.
But I found I was censuring myself because I know which topics, however harmless, might set my boyfriend off (who has been going through a very difficult time for a while) - when that occurs and becomes fury, no conversation took place anyway.
Yet, when his dam did break at a critical point last year, and he was able to let out his anger and sadness at his personal situation, we were able to have a truly substantial discussion and became much closer, clearing all had been left unsaid. And yes, because we both cared.
I am still figuring it out as I go.
12
This piece is very reassuring for someone like me, in a marriage that is sometimes rocky and contentious, but always worth it. You've helped me see that these fights are part of what keeps us together. Thanks Laura.
25
My parents recently reached their 60th anniversary! I think they had an argument or a frustrated back-and-forth every day ;-)
19
Ms Pritchett's essay is a wonderful, graceful contribution to the Modern Love series. This essay resonates with so many whose marriages are in the second or third decade of existence.
I am struck by the use of the trendy term "roommate" which is often used to describe relationships where people who share living spaces have independent lives and often may be moving to independent futures. "Roommate" seems to have acquired a negative connotation for marriage as if living with someone is easy to do, as if a relationship that doesn't include conventional definitions of romance or sexual behaviours is to be less valued. As individuals we are currently encouraged by so many outside influences to find our "soulmates" or see those we marry--often in our early 20's or 30's--as being our life-long lovers in conventional ways. Friends, companions, roommates are not sought-after for marriages intended to last for life; As if we are the same people at 30 as we will be at 75 or communicate the same way at 65 as we did at 20. (How unfortunate if we are or if we do!)
So, Ms. Pritchett's neighbors are puzzled by the unseen, unheard changes in her marriage. Despite her authorship of four books, her need for a relationship with a partner who shared her love of "words" apparently was unknown. How fortunate she had the courage to seek one out and how generous to share one aspect of the search in this essay.
I am struck by the use of the trendy term "roommate" which is often used to describe relationships where people who share living spaces have independent lives and often may be moving to independent futures. "Roommate" seems to have acquired a negative connotation for marriage as if living with someone is easy to do, as if a relationship that doesn't include conventional definitions of romance or sexual behaviours is to be less valued. As individuals we are currently encouraged by so many outside influences to find our "soulmates" or see those we marry--often in our early 20's or 30's--as being our life-long lovers in conventional ways. Friends, companions, roommates are not sought-after for marriages intended to last for life; As if we are the same people at 30 as we will be at 75 or communicate the same way at 65 as we did at 20. (How unfortunate if we are or if we do!)
So, Ms. Pritchett's neighbors are puzzled by the unseen, unheard changes in her marriage. Despite her authorship of four books, her need for a relationship with a partner who shared her love of "words" apparently was unknown. How fortunate she had the courage to seek one out and how generous to share one aspect of the search in this essay.
17
Good comment, to which I should like to add this:
The real problem with the term 'room mate' in its American English usage is its ambiguity. Does it refer to a person who shares your room but not your bed, or does it refer to a person who shares your home but not your bedroom?
I have now read countless articles and comments in American articles where 'room mate' has either of both meanings, but you have to try puzzle out, often unsuccessfully, which one it is from the rest of the story.
I should like to propose 'room mate' and 'bathroom' as two terms for relegation to the dustbin of the lexicon of American English. Neither term should ever be used unless in the former case the bedroom is shared, and this is made clear, or in the latter the room really does have a bath in it.
The real problem with the term 'room mate' in its American English usage is its ambiguity. Does it refer to a person who shares your room but not your bed, or does it refer to a person who shares your home but not your bedroom?
I have now read countless articles and comments in American articles where 'room mate' has either of both meanings, but you have to try puzzle out, often unsuccessfully, which one it is from the rest of the story.
I should like to propose 'room mate' and 'bathroom' as two terms for relegation to the dustbin of the lexicon of American English. Neither term should ever be used unless in the former case the bedroom is shared, and this is made clear, or in the latter the room really does have a bath in it.
8
In the context of marriage, I've most often seen word "roommate" being used when the couple may have fallen into a daily rhythm that works for them, may have a past they value, may truly like and respect one another, but where there is no longer any sexual spark--or indeed, any sexual activity at all. To me, the use of "roommate" in that sense is not a negative: it just denotes a relationship that, for many people, would not be a marriage.
10
We all have feelings and we all communicate just different times and different ways.
The husband was not heard either.
I read something long ago that went something like this:
A husband was having some sexual dysfunctions. So he was hurting bad and by extension was full of shame. He would withhold any affection or sex from the wife without telling her why.
The wife started to suspect her own attraction and her desires. The hiding of his sexual dysfunction and her doubting of her self esteem showed up in so many other ways in the relationship. They came to a therapy. The therapy said something to the affect of how cruel was the husband to know he was the problem and did not tell her and watch her suffer as a consequences. And how the wife feeling he was with holding rationalized to stay still and take the cruelty. Of course at the end the couple cried and made up. Truth was out.
For the author of this piece, you cannot say with same breath he was a great husband who did not touch or talk and yet he was a good guy. Either you acknowledged some cruelty in the marriage, enough to make you leave or you were cruel to him somehow. But no two happy, respected, loved people divorce.
You were both in pain and needed relief from each other. That pain is cruel in marriage, whether loud or silent.
If all other things were good, you would and he would fight for saving it. There was nothing to save. You both ignored fundamentals so you could benefit from something else.
The husband was not heard either.
I read something long ago that went something like this:
A husband was having some sexual dysfunctions. So he was hurting bad and by extension was full of shame. He would withhold any affection or sex from the wife without telling her why.
The wife started to suspect her own attraction and her desires. The hiding of his sexual dysfunction and her doubting of her self esteem showed up in so many other ways in the relationship. They came to a therapy. The therapy said something to the affect of how cruel was the husband to know he was the problem and did not tell her and watch her suffer as a consequences. And how the wife feeling he was with holding rationalized to stay still and take the cruelty. Of course at the end the couple cried and made up. Truth was out.
For the author of this piece, you cannot say with same breath he was a great husband who did not touch or talk and yet he was a good guy. Either you acknowledged some cruelty in the marriage, enough to make you leave or you were cruel to him somehow. But no two happy, respected, loved people divorce.
You were both in pain and needed relief from each other. That pain is cruel in marriage, whether loud or silent.
If all other things were good, you would and he would fight for saving it. There was nothing to save. You both ignored fundamentals so you could benefit from something else.
42
There's no valid reason to break up a family if things *aren't bad. A good dose of couples therapy could have helped them.
18
That is a load of crap. Who gets to decide what is *bad*? She obviously had enough. She listed in detail the wide differences in their preferences for intimacy.
28
The writer actually addresses their experience in therapy and said it did not help to resolve the different ways they receive love...
15
Sometimes people are so broken, therapy does not even function as a band aid. All relationsjips ate not salvageable. What the author seems to be trying to impart is thete was mot enougj passion thete for a fight of any kind, just agreement by default.
5
Kurt Vonnegut had an insightful view of the reason more marriages are failing. It's about smaller extended families. Women like to talk and they used to get many more in-laws to talk to. And men would gets more buddies to goof off with. Now couples are just stuck with each other and it's not enough people.
63
ExACTly! We need more people. ☺
5
Interesting point. I note in certain cultures where generations live in the same house, town, marriages are sustained because there is so much communication and drama happening in the environment that silence and peace is possibly craved. This is just the way things are. They have not yet learned that they are not supposed to be happy with lack of privacy.
6
As long as the extended family is not too rigid in its beliefs, or too intrusive, I think. It's not just trying to survive in a tiny unit, but often without a real community of any sort, for many people.
For children, I think it extended family can be great, because there are more adults to provide attention - no expectation that parents must be on their A game all the time -- and kids see that there are different ways to handle life.
For children, I think it extended family can be great, because there are more adults to provide attention - no expectation that parents must be on their A game all the time -- and kids see that there are different ways to handle life.
6
Your former husband doesn't like to touch people. Perhaps he's asexual. Perhaps he doesn't like to touch women.
Honestly it sounds more like a sexless marriage than a silent marriage.
Honestly it sounds more like a sexless marriage than a silent marriage.
16
The story made me think of the several marriage breakups I know about where the man later showed up with a male partner.
18
asperger's syndrome, perhaps, presenting in the husband
20
I miss healthy friction.
13
me too : )
5
I understand this so well, I lost my home twice living in Oklahoma to Tornados. watched my Mom go through three husbands. All of which the men cheated or hit her. I lost my last relationship because my partner wanted me to cuddle, to hold her, to show emotion. I felt as if I loved her dearly but I feel as if have a bridge that is broken in my mind. I see what she wanted, and I feel I should do it. But to no avail, I couldn't. Now im going through life, still quietly and without emotion. Waiting for the person who will Understand me.
27
With 35 years of marriage in the books, I can't relate. My wife can be the silent one at times but they are rare. We have thought alike for many years and the times we disagree has dwindled to almost nonexistent. We talk every day and the conversation ranges widely. We do much together but also have individual interests that don't coincide. We exchange hugs and kisses every day and never go to bed angry. We make each other laugh every day.
50
Compatible roommates have a better relationship than this couple. Remember that college roommate who's still your best friend? The one you can share anything with? Your dreams, your hopes, your wildest and darkest fantasies, your disappointments? Silly rituals? The problem here isn't that this couple didn't argue--they didn't communicate at all.
36
I totally understand. My ex and I had what I've come to call a G-Rated Divorce (no kids to fight over, no money to fight over, no lovers to be jealous about). We both recognized we'd made a mistake. But that didn't mean we didn't care deeply for each other, that there wasn't love there. It just wasn't the kind of love we could build a marriage around. So yes, divorce can be a caring and civil process that leaves the china unbroken. My years with Ellen are years I'll always remember, even now that I have been married to another woman for twenty-five years.
29
"He disliked the sensation of two bodies in proximity." Did the husband always feel this way? If so, why did he choose to get married (or have any physical contact with anyone) in the first place? I would be interested to hear what was said in therapy when this topic came up.
Divorce is hard - I've been there - but I'm curious how long this "go along to get along" philosophy had been in effect in this relationship. It's seems like a different outcome could have been reached if they'd started working on addressing their differences (and unhappiness) years earlier.
Divorce is hard - I've been there - but I'm curious how long this "go along to get along" philosophy had been in effect in this relationship. It's seems like a different outcome could have been reached if they'd started working on addressing their differences (and unhappiness) years earlier.
16
A human can find physical contact uncomfortable and even revolting--even if the nervous system is "wired" to react thusly, I think the human organism still NEEDS this contact, whether or not that need is acknowledged or even felt. The human mind is so damnably complex that you can have an animal need for an experience you find repugnant. There are a lot of neurochemical systems in the human organism that depend on this kind of stimulation, and indeed, are even evolved solely FOR it.
Another factor is the overwhelming pressure from society to "be normal." "Normal" is marriage, owning a house, having children, keeping a nice lawn. One might not hold those values for one's self, but knowing other people do, and are judging you for it, is a stress.
Two possible explanations, anyway--only the author and the spouse can say for sure ^^;
Another factor is the overwhelming pressure from society to "be normal." "Normal" is marriage, owning a house, having children, keeping a nice lawn. One might not hold those values for one's self, but knowing other people do, and are judging you for it, is a stress.
Two possible explanations, anyway--only the author and the spouse can say for sure ^^;
10
Some people get married for procreation. The legacy of children and put them above all else as this couple did. She just wanted more than a legacy.
4
Please don't tell me that anything about this divorce was done for the benefit of the children . . .. So you were a bit lonely and bored. What you did was for YOUR benefit alone. Didn't help the kids one bit. If you were really putting their needs first, you would suck it up and make the marriage work, even if it left you a bit starved for conversation.
Do you think your kids like have a revolving parent in the master bedroom? The situation for them is just as confounding as having them switch houses. Don't kid yourself that your actions aren't harming them. This is just another case of justifying utterly selfish adult behavior and I don't buy it.
Do you think your kids like have a revolving parent in the master bedroom? The situation for them is just as confounding as having them switch houses. Don't kid yourself that your actions aren't harming them. This is just another case of justifying utterly selfish adult behavior and I don't buy it.
48
such nuance. such a careful reader. such a short paragraph trivial such a monstrous personality to have to live with. Good luck with your life.
7
Do you imagine that children growing up in a home with two parents who don't communicate, show affection, or care for one another in any romantic way would lead to a healthier upbringing? What kind of model would that be for life? This parent modeled for her children that happiness is worth fighting for, and that marriage should be more than just an arrangement. Parents don't stop being human beings when they have children. It's not selfish to want a fulfilling life. That's a model every parent should set.
26
Your comment supports studies that even grown children remain traumatized by their parents' divorce that occurred while the children were young. I find it intriguing that sans the excuses of abuse, infidelity and financial irresponsibility as valid reasons for divorce, that married adults cannot muddle through until their children are at least finished with school. My favorite cliche is parents stating that a divorce was amicable and they are united and focused on the needs of the children...how about being amicable and united and focused to meet the needs of the children while married and waiting until they are independent of you before divorcing?!
12
Marriage works when you realize what you can and cannot live with, and as my wife and have endured all of life together for 20 years that tolerance has expanded for both of us. A turning point for me was to stop trying to obtain all my fulfillment for conversation, interests and even sexuality in one person.. what we share is huge but its not the whole world (which we individually relate to very differently). She is my family and we've built a foundation that allows us to enjoy a rich life that includes deep friendships and community not limited to us sharing every single experience.. vive la difference!
In general I think the way one manages preference and aversion determines how relationships thrive or burnout.. if you don't have a handle on your expectations then your suffering is likely more self-inflicted than you realize.
In general I think the way one manages preference and aversion determines how relationships thrive or burnout.. if you don't have a handle on your expectations then your suffering is likely more self-inflicted than you realize.
25
Very familiar with the relationship in which noone cares enough to get angry. There's a reason why 'polite society' is often the brunt of jokes.
21
"He and I may have free speech, but we’re not so good at frank speech." I see this a lot. People use silence as a form of speech. Interpreting silence can be harder than reading tea leaves. Congratulations on finding a partner that wants to communicate. I am still looking.
22
Silence is yelling.
18
Here's what I know after 3 marriages--the successful one going on 25 years now...marriage is hard, daily work. Like many, my parents were lousy role models for marriage. And frankly, the culture we live in even today, gives us the constant message that marriage is all about heat and sex. We do our children a grave disservice by not honestly sharing the truth about marriage. The truth is that marriage is the third person in the relationship. It grows when you nurture it. I'm so grateful to have figured that out!
Judging others who haven't figured that out does no good. Ms. Pritchett's experience is only hers, and I thank her for sharing it.
Judging others who haven't figured that out does no good. Ms. Pritchett's experience is only hers, and I thank her for sharing it.
46
The issue isn't anger. It is about pushing against each other psychologically, feeling one's differences rather than blurring together the boundaries of each partner. The author couldn't tell where she began and her partner left off. Respectful and loving difference leads to attraction, not undifferentiated sameness.
9
In the end, I suspect the Author will realize all relationships are exciting when new, then fall into this mode. There will always be things your partner does that annoy you. Marriage is about companionship and partnership - nothing is perfect. Divorce is not a panacea.. its a short term fix that, most often, leads to more problems than it solves.
14
Your comments aren't based on the author's article at all.
"All marriages are like this" - no, they're not. Divorce is a "short term fix" that "causes more problems than it solves" - uh, no.
Whatever your personal beliefs and experiences are, you're assuming they apply to everyone else's reality, and they do not.
"All marriages are like this" - no, they're not. Divorce is a "short term fix" that "causes more problems than it solves" - uh, no.
Whatever your personal beliefs and experiences are, you're assuming they apply to everyone else's reality, and they do not.
26
I married later in life and for all the wrong reasons (family pressure, societal pressure, financial security, social acceptance, etc.)
10 years in and now with children, divorce seems a poor choice, despite the unhappiness.
Some feel that life is to short to be unhappy. But if life is that short, then the unhappiness will pass.
10 years in and now with children, divorce seems a poor choice, despite the unhappiness.
Some feel that life is to short to be unhappy. But if life is that short, then the unhappiness will pass.
12
I hate to go all mundane on such an important subject, but I will. Inject economics into the discussion and you have yet one more reason broken marriages limp along. I recently heard an interview with a financial planner from a leading financial institution. He said the number one thing couples can do to prepare for retirement is not get divorced. If you haven't done the math, try it, and you'll understand why he said that. As couples near retirement, the math becomes more obvious.
Add that layer on to all of the other more compelling inertia-supporting factors, most importantly the kids, and also the extended family, the fact that they've made life-long commitments to one another, and, of course, their social network, and there is a thick glue can hold people together in marriages that have ceased to work.
I also know that in some cases, the one who craves more physical intimacy (in at least two cases I know it's the man, and the two women are related), and feels like they have hit a stone wall for too many years, may also believe that their spouse really can't help their discomfort with intimacy. They may have disguised it during their courtship because they wanted to believe, but they were always a miss-match. They may continue to limp along, especially if they like and respect one another, unless or until one of them meets a magical someone who pulls them away. The older you get, and the less you go out "shopping", the lower the odds of that happening,
Add that layer on to all of the other more compelling inertia-supporting factors, most importantly the kids, and also the extended family, the fact that they've made life-long commitments to one another, and, of course, their social network, and there is a thick glue can hold people together in marriages that have ceased to work.
I also know that in some cases, the one who craves more physical intimacy (in at least two cases I know it's the man, and the two women are related), and feels like they have hit a stone wall for too many years, may also believe that their spouse really can't help their discomfort with intimacy. They may have disguised it during their courtship because they wanted to believe, but they were always a miss-match. They may continue to limp along, especially if they like and respect one another, unless or until one of them meets a magical someone who pulls them away. The older you get, and the less you go out "shopping", the lower the odds of that happening,
28
Marriage is a job. Like any job, what you put in is what you get in the end. The less you put in, like sitting in the coach and watching your exhaled emotions, not caring about yourself, your husband or your family and taking notes to write a future article to promotes yourself, results in failure and loss of a marriage. You never liked your job, you found every way to fail, Rather than make it succeed. Great example for your children to figure out how to deal with life and conflict. Cut and run, silently.
19
What can I say, this is very good. I'm averse (oversensitive) to all-out arguments myself, so tend to avoid them and `stand down' easily to make them go away. Maybe I shouldn't mind if they last a little longer. And I certainly never, ever start them. Maybe I should, once in a while. (This is the male half of "CDM" writing.)
It's a thin and unstable line to walk on, this one. You have to know (and love) the other person and yourself really well, and there can't be any doubts you're fundamentally right for each other.
It's a thin and unstable line to walk on, this one. You have to know (and love) the other person and yourself really well, and there can't be any doubts you're fundamentally right for each other.
10
My wife surprised me one night as I was lighting candles before joining her in bed. "I need to be away from you for awhile. Maybe I'll feel differently in a few months". I was crushed. She was cool. I have discovered since that she had been planning for years, waiting for the right time. It has been two years since that night. Two years I would never wish to repeat, but two years I would not wish to exchange. We had had twenty five years together that appeared enviable. Never an argument. Never a fight. It wasn't until we separated that I began to learn how broken we were. When I look back I see now all the opportunities to have made change. I believe we both were frozen by fear of confrontation....or honesty. Behaviors we learned from our childhood family experiences. Behaviors we both detested in our parents, inwardly vowed to change, but perpetuated in our own ways. I wish so much to be able to go back to that first fear (I remember the moment) and say " Why are you acting that way? What are you thinking...really? It might have changed our lives. But I turned over and went to sleep.
75
Dear old Dad who was married once for 66 years said marriage did not last long in the past because we did not live too long. So true as I am in my 32nd year of marriage. Neither one of us grew up in homes with parents who fought often. They did disagree as do we. We are both first born and have our own opinions about raising children, politics, religion and so on. Over all we have a partnerships which has resulted in our obtaining financial security as we are retired and around 70. We give each other space and listen too each other and care for each other. We have had our share of layoffs, problems with children and are raising a grandchild. Maybe we survived because we did not expect too much of each other. Marriage is a challenge. The nice thing as we age is having someone to drive us to the doctors and hospital.
29
When most people divorce, they understandably throw out the whole relationship, or else keep the worst part: the fighting.
Many couples, though, keep the parts they like. I know divorced couples who talk on the phone every day, others who take vacations together. Some keep the friendship, some the joint concern about the kids, for some it's joint interests.
Lots of ways to break up!
Many couples, though, keep the parts they like. I know divorced couples who talk on the phone every day, others who take vacations together. Some keep the friendship, some the joint concern about the kids, for some it's joint interests.
Lots of ways to break up!
26
My divorce was amicable and we, too, post divorce, shared meals with the children. Then I met someone and the apparently peaceful separation erupted. All the anger my ex had kept at bay, and mine, was immediately transferred into a vicious custody fight. If when things were calmer we had take the time to establish custody rules, things would have gone a lot more smoothly for the children.
16
Marriage is so strange, mine included.
My favorite quote is from the George Harrison documentary All Thing Must Pass. When they asked his widow Olivia how they stayed married all the years, she said "Well, we didn't get divorced."
My favorite quote is from the George Harrison documentary All Thing Must Pass. When they asked his widow Olivia how they stayed married all the years, she said "Well, we didn't get divorced."
30
I it still is a bitter moment when one of the pair decides to stop trying. It takes two to continue, but only one to call it quits.
14
" 'Are you sure?' he said.
I nodded. I waited. I was not sure."
Okay, so you lied, when it mattered most. No wonder you couldn't make the marriage work.
Each of us must take responsibility to speak our own truth. The anger you (and he, probably) bottled up, thinking it was aimed at or caused by your spouse, is due only to your own failure to say what you really needed to say, and to listen closely for what your spouse really needed you to hear.
I nodded. I waited. I was not sure."
Okay, so you lied, when it mattered most. No wonder you couldn't make the marriage work.
Each of us must take responsibility to speak our own truth. The anger you (and he, probably) bottled up, thinking it was aimed at or caused by your spouse, is due only to your own failure to say what you really needed to say, and to listen closely for what your spouse really needed you to hear.
25
The need to communicate outlives every other need.
15
The author opens up with "my husband and I broke up after two decades of marriage" and right there lies the fundamental problem with majority of divorces, i.e. how they are presented to others.
Why she doesn't proudly take a credit for divorcing him (I say she, as women are plaintiffs in 73% of all divorces, i.e. statistically speaking, it is much more likely she filed for divorce). And if he was the plaintiff, why she is not writing "he broke up"?
Kark Marx taught that marriage is a "yoke on women" and communists, starting with Lenin, thus made divorce quick and easy formality. Our market-driven society doesn't have such ideological argument against marriage so our quick-and-easy, no real reasons, no evidence required "no fault" high divorce rates are welcomed as two post-divorce (even while typically unequal) households require - on average - about 140% of money one, pre-divorce household needed.
That is a great news and stimulus for economy, from housing all the way to durables (extra fridge and car) and two households cooking or dining out more.
Those who seek divorce should not hide behind "we got divorced" but proudly and truthfully declare "I divorced him (her)" instead and kids should say "Mum divorced Dad", not "our parents got divorced."
Why she doesn't proudly take a credit for divorcing him (I say she, as women are plaintiffs in 73% of all divorces, i.e. statistically speaking, it is much more likely she filed for divorce). And if he was the plaintiff, why she is not writing "he broke up"?
Kark Marx taught that marriage is a "yoke on women" and communists, starting with Lenin, thus made divorce quick and easy formality. Our market-driven society doesn't have such ideological argument against marriage so our quick-and-easy, no real reasons, no evidence required "no fault" high divorce rates are welcomed as two post-divorce (even while typically unequal) households require - on average - about 140% of money one, pre-divorce household needed.
That is a great news and stimulus for economy, from housing all the way to durables (extra fridge and car) and two households cooking or dining out more.
Those who seek divorce should not hide behind "we got divorced" but proudly and truthfully declare "I divorced him (her)" instead and kids should say "Mum divorced Dad", not "our parents got divorced."
10
Personally, I prefer to let people handle their own affairs and talk about them however they want to.
19
You say "we got divorced" in the same way that you say "we got married." In the case of divorce, the American legal system requires a plaintiff and defendant. If two people mutually agree to divorce, one of them has to take action against the other. There is no "we're agreeing to divorce each other" form.
1
"We got divorced" is not, by any means the same or similar to "we got married".
When people agree and desire to get married it is expression of MUTUAL desire and will. On other hand, there is only one spouse who desires and moves (by filing divorce petition, hiring divorce attorney, etc.) to seek and get divorce.
And as our "no fault", no court-admissible evidence required divorce laws give 100% guarantee to a petitioner her wish is granted, the other spouse can only accept the outcome, i.e. the divorce.
To say "we got divorced" thus intentionally transfers the "credit" for actually dissolving the marriage on both spouses and - as 73% of all divorces are filed by women - petitioners are smartly trying not to be fully credited with seeking and obtaining divorce, especially as they typically realize that impact of their marriage dissolving action is not always positive (children resentment and sense of loss, etc.)
Because women are - in general - by far more sensitive to appearances and "what would people say", this attempt for disassociation with the role of divorce plaintiff makes psychologically and emotionally even more sense.
When marriage ends in divorce it is - in 100% initially and in great majority of cases throughout the entire process and after it - expression and result of desire and actions of only one spouse. That spouse (again, in 73% of all divorces a wife = petitioner) ought to take full "credit" due for the divorce.
When people agree and desire to get married it is expression of MUTUAL desire and will. On other hand, there is only one spouse who desires and moves (by filing divorce petition, hiring divorce attorney, etc.) to seek and get divorce.
And as our "no fault", no court-admissible evidence required divorce laws give 100% guarantee to a petitioner her wish is granted, the other spouse can only accept the outcome, i.e. the divorce.
To say "we got divorced" thus intentionally transfers the "credit" for actually dissolving the marriage on both spouses and - as 73% of all divorces are filed by women - petitioners are smartly trying not to be fully credited with seeking and obtaining divorce, especially as they typically realize that impact of their marriage dissolving action is not always positive (children resentment and sense of loss, etc.)
Because women are - in general - by far more sensitive to appearances and "what would people say", this attempt for disassociation with the role of divorce plaintiff makes psychologically and emotionally even more sense.
When marriage ends in divorce it is - in 100% initially and in great majority of cases throughout the entire process and after it - expression and result of desire and actions of only one spouse. That spouse (again, in 73% of all divorces a wife = petitioner) ought to take full "credit" due for the divorce.
2
There is no neat formula for a "successful" relationship. There are unions full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. There are icy fjords of calm, masking agony. And of course, there are fiery, jalapeńo combustions that are thrilling and fulfilling, and languid lovers whose interactions never rise above a sweet murmur. WIth regard to relationships, as that wise sage of the human heart H.L. Mencken might have put it, for every complex relationship there is a simple solution....and it is wrong.
21
Many women just do not understand men. For us, talk can't fix the break. If you have done wrong, talking about it usually won't help.
In my case, if you truly repent I will forgive you. Repentance means not doing it again. If you are not willing to repent, no amount of discussion will suffice.
If I do wrong I am willing to admit it and repent. (I try to not do wrong.)
My wife and I are in our 45th year of marriage. I listen to her. I do not argue with her.
We men know that what some women call a "discussion" often ends up being a hysterical showdown. We don't want that. So, we just shut down (to avoid the hysterical bottom line).
That's just the way some of us men are (I think that's the way most men are).
In my case, if you truly repent I will forgive you. Repentance means not doing it again. If you are not willing to repent, no amount of discussion will suffice.
If I do wrong I am willing to admit it and repent. (I try to not do wrong.)
My wife and I are in our 45th year of marriage. I listen to her. I do not argue with her.
We men know that what some women call a "discussion" often ends up being a hysterical showdown. We don't want that. So, we just shut down (to avoid the hysterical bottom line).
That's just the way some of us men are (I think that's the way most men are).
17
As a married man I do not share your view on this dynamic. I feel that wife understands me pretty well, more than anyone else ever has. This is in large part because we both spend time discussing our difficulties when we have them, and we both try to listen, and she is good at this and I love her for it. If anything, I am just as if not more likely to become the more emotionally heated partner.
9
And, pastor, we women know that what some men call a "discussion" often ends up being a menacing, bullying showdown. We don't want that. So, we just shut down (to avoid the humiliating bottom line.)
Both women AND men can be guilty of not "fighting fair."
Both women AND men can be guilty of not "fighting fair."
17
Poor Pastor,
It sounds like many men do not understand women. Describing women as hysterical is condescending and high-handed. We women do not like to be degraded and patronized.
That's just the way some of us women are ( I think that's the way most human beings are). Time for a biblical lesson: love your wife as you love yourself. Sounds like a good place to start. And then love your wife as she needs to be loved.
It sounds like many men do not understand women. Describing women as hysterical is condescending and high-handed. We women do not like to be degraded and patronized.
That's just the way some of us women are ( I think that's the way most human beings are). Time for a biblical lesson: love your wife as you love yourself. Sounds like a good place to start. And then love your wife as she needs to be loved.
24
I am grateful for this article since comes closer to my situation than any description I have encountered in print, whether in magazines or self-help books, or in speaking with my therapist. It's also well-written and clear. The main difference that I'm puzzling over is that in my case there's a substantial difference in intellect, or perhaps intellectual style/ethic, that has led me to lose respect for my wife -- not w/r/t her maternal skills and what not -- but in other ways that really matter if one wants to feel there is something beyond the roommate-ness described by Pritchett. I wonder if this is a common problem in cases like Pritchett's and mine.
There's a phrase in Waiting for Godot (which shows in a moment where my head is at--I find such stuff exhilarating and actually really romantic/sexy, but she finds it baffling and gloomy) where Didi says to Gogo, "Come on Gogo, return the ball once in a way, can't you?", which is exactly how I feel over and over. I want my wife to hit the ball back over the net now and then, but she never does. She can't.
My concern for her well-being is great -- it borders on pity at this point I'm afraid. Thus no divorce for now.
Yeesh.
There's a phrase in Waiting for Godot (which shows in a moment where my head is at--I find such stuff exhilarating and actually really romantic/sexy, but she finds it baffling and gloomy) where Didi says to Gogo, "Come on Gogo, return the ball once in a way, can't you?", which is exactly how I feel over and over. I want my wife to hit the ball back over the net now and then, but she never does. She can't.
My concern for her well-being is great -- it borders on pity at this point I'm afraid. Thus no divorce for now.
Yeesh.
25
Unfortunately, there is no solution here to this very common problem other than to say sagely but most unhelpfully, after the event, don't marry a bimbo, or you'll simply end up marrying yet another one, unless pity as here stays your hand.
11
I felt the same way about my ex before I left the relationship. She'll be alright without you.
8
You must feel safe enough to communicate or you won't want to. Ideas. Dreams. Passion. Anything. Fighting isn't necessary but caring enough to dig in and disagree is. Judging is OK as long as it's not accompanied by being demeaning or mean. Being mean is not healthy. Ever. Laughing is the best means to enduring relationships. Always!
15
There is much in this piece that I can agree with and respect. I only wonder one thing.
What would have happened when the author told her then-husband she was leaving if, in response to his question about whether she was sure, she had simply admitted to him that she wasn't?
It seems to me that this conversation may have been shut down before it ever really began.
What would have happened when the author told her then-husband she was leaving if, in response to his question about whether she was sure, she had simply admitted to him that she wasn't?
It seems to me that this conversation may have been shut down before it ever really began.
20
This failing is uninteresting to me, and not even instructive. Just another cliche rationalization for terminating a family unit.
14
Being happily divorced is in essence no different to being happily married, except that you can get up on either side of the bed.
11
Thank you for a beautiful article. I enjoyed.
8
Why did you pick each other in the first place? Is it to escape the violent and chaotic childhoods you alluded to? Was there ever physical and emotional attraction? Because if those two forces of attraction are not there, I don't see how the marriage would not devolve into "roommate ness". How so sad. Hope you find joy, laughter, intimacy, great sex, and a sense of living in this new relationship with your boyfriend.
9
My wife and I were in the cookery section, I think it may have been, of our local Angus and Robertson bookshop, when the store was still going. As usual, we had a number of differences in opinion over some of the titles we were examining together.
'You're really annoying me!' my wife told me. 'No!' I retorted, 'you're really annoying me!'
The bookshop assistant had overheard us. Laughing, she said 'You sound just like me and my husband!'
My adult daughter and I agree that perhaps the most romantic ending in any children's book ever written comes at the end of 'The Horse and his Boy'.
Two of the story's four principal characters, the children Cor (Shasta) and Aravis, who have spent the entire book endlessly squabbling and fighting for the upper hand, at the conclusion of the story become adults, still quarrelling.
They then decide to get married to each other in order to be able to keep arguing with each other more conveniently for the rest of their lives.
'You're really annoying me!' my wife told me. 'No!' I retorted, 'you're really annoying me!'
The bookshop assistant had overheard us. Laughing, she said 'You sound just like me and my husband!'
My adult daughter and I agree that perhaps the most romantic ending in any children's book ever written comes at the end of 'The Horse and his Boy'.
Two of the story's four principal characters, the children Cor (Shasta) and Aravis, who have spent the entire book endlessly squabbling and fighting for the upper hand, at the conclusion of the story become adults, still quarrelling.
They then decide to get married to each other in order to be able to keep arguing with each other more conveniently for the rest of their lives.
27
The writer lays out this concept of daily close intimacy that she wishes she & her ex had achieved--but were too uncommunicative to get it. She now has it, at least to some degree w. her boyfriend. Personally, I often think I'd have been better off in a society that wasn't set up for nuclear family life. I realize now that that I really didn't want that every day intimacy. There was just so much necessary survival pressure to live a nuclear family life. We're divorced now and we love our kids, who are financially strapped struggling young adults. She has a boy friend. I've stayed alone and am probably happier for it.
8
There is no functional purpose to marriage unless one is religious or attempting to obtain money from one's spouse in a divorce settlement. What can one obtain in marriage that one can't without a marriage license? At present, there maybe different tax treatment, access to spousal medical benefits, intestate property division but most of these can be dealt with by drawing up a simple contract or with simple changes in state or federal law and those laws discriminatory laws should be altered anyway to remove unfair treatment of single persons. If one actually holds religious views and regards marriage as a sacred covenant, even this does not require intervention by the state through creation of marriage licenses, one can continue to undergo the marriage sacrament through whichever church, mosque, temple, or other facility one wishes without the issuance of a secular state marriage license. Most non-religious people today continue to marry out of tradition, peer pressure, and or because they want a wedding. On that point, weddings or "relationship parties" don't need state marriage licensing to continue, people can dance, make toasts, eat, drink, dress up and eat cake without signing a marriage license a week later at city hall.
13
You mentioned some good reasons to marry, actually, but omitted the most satisfying and meaningful: a firm commitment that, through the societal ritual called marriage, makes a statement of dedication to a relationship, to working at the hard parts, to totally putting oneself second, to doing everything possible to preserve that human bond.
6
"traumatized by things beyond their control: evacuated for wildfires, cut off by historic flooding and exposed to loss and devastation"
Really? Traumatized? Please don't tell them that. That's a BIG,interesting life that builds grit,character. For generations people have gone through things like this and still do all over the world.
Really? Traumatized? Please don't tell them that. That's a BIG,interesting life that builds grit,character. For generations people have gone through things like this and still do all over the world.
11
They may have lost friends and pets in these circumstances, may have seen lives lost, severe injuries...and while this does build character, brushing this kind of loss away without recognizing it and dealing with it isn't healthy. Yes, people experience trauma every day all over the world (I work at a trauma center ER and I see it first hand) but that doesn't diminish each person's loss and need to grieve.
20
This is sad, especially so because they went to therapy and the therapist had no clue how to help them. For anyone in this situation who has not broken up or given up, PLEASE check out Stan Tatkin (PACT Institute). He has written several books and the one I like the best is Love and War in Intimate Relationships. His approach is neurobiological and not about the story. And the good news is that people do not have to get over all of their stuff to have what he calls a secure functioning relationship. Basically, they need to discover the "owner's manual" for their partners, not assume that it is the same as their own and be willing to make the relationship a priority. He assumes that we are all Wired for Love (the name of another of his books) and he is really brilliant. Anyone who values relationships would relate to his books, website and YouTube videos.
8
SO much passive aggression here. I have little patience for people who just quit things, or who think the grass is greener, especially when there are children. Very few children want their parents to be divorced, and it gets no easier for them when they are adults. When one has had children together, the relationship is forever, regardless of its legal status.
When I hear people say, "he's still my best friend, we will always love each other...", I can't help but think then why the heck are you not still married. Did you really expect movie love for life? Did you really think that the other person (or you!) can always completely fulfill your needs? There is a lot of give and take in a good marriage, and a few patches when both parties are totally fulfilled. Often, that happens with age and is then a true blessing.
Marriage need not have "sound and fury", but bottling up grievances sure isn't the way to go. Neither is yelling and screaming and throwing things. If one does not know how to "fight fair", things aren't going to be pretty.
I ache for their children.
When I hear people say, "he's still my best friend, we will always love each other...", I can't help but think then why the heck are you not still married. Did you really expect movie love for life? Did you really think that the other person (or you!) can always completely fulfill your needs? There is a lot of give and take in a good marriage, and a few patches when both parties are totally fulfilled. Often, that happens with age and is then a true blessing.
Marriage need not have "sound and fury", but bottling up grievances sure isn't the way to go. Neither is yelling and screaming and throwing things. If one does not know how to "fight fair", things aren't going to be pretty.
I ache for their children.
29
But as Karl Marx taught (and Lenin etc. thus implemented via easy divorce), marriage is a "yoke on women" and we have to "celebrate" when every sister is liberating herself (and her kids, namely daughters, right?) from that oppressive institution the marriage mostly is.
Taking into consideration how divorce affects children (throughout their lives and future relationships and parental role)? That's an emotional blackmail, we are being told, preventing women (who are in 73% of all divorces the petitioners seeking a "relief" via marriage dissolution) to be true themselves.
Taking into consideration how divorce affects children (throughout their lives and future relationships and parental role)? That's an emotional blackmail, we are being told, preventing women (who are in 73% of all divorces the petitioners seeking a "relief" via marriage dissolution) to be true themselves.
4
Both she and her hubby come from dysfunctional backgrounds. What did she expect to be different when she married him?
If you want to know what type of marriage you're getting into then start by looking at the family and also honestly look at your own family. If you see laziness, irresponsibility, money issues, cheating, etc., you have seen the future!
If you come from a bad family you can change but without reliance on Christ it's an even longer and more difficult road for yourself.
Do not ever marry someone hoping they will change! What you see is what you get. Always!
If you want to know what type of marriage you're getting into then start by looking at the family and also honestly look at your own family. If you see laziness, irresponsibility, money issues, cheating, etc., you have seen the future!
If you come from a bad family you can change but without reliance on Christ it's an even longer and more difficult road for yourself.
Do not ever marry someone hoping they will change! What you see is what you get. Always!
7
I was right there with you until the 3rd paragraph.
9
Amen. LIFE without reliance on Christ is a long and difficult road.
3
Who is Chris?
5
The reflections in this essay strike very close to the bone for me, as they surely do for many people, though every story and every life contains differing sets of circumstances.
Anyway, I believe it possible that Ms. Pritchett is too cruel both to herself and her ex-husband when she writes that their mutual aversion to conflict was "more...about cowardice." An inability to engage in a difficult act doesn't necessarily have anything at all to do with cowardice or fear.
Sometimes, one just doesn't have the tools.
Many, maybe most, people whose childish and/or idiotic parents/guardians immersed them in excessive, fruitless, and hurtful emotional or physical outbursts simply don't have the skills to be intimate at all, nor would they possess the higher skills required to resolve or accept differences exposed in discussion.
Some such people eventually have a "breakthrough" or figure things out, but those who do not evolve in that way are not necessarily cowards.
Anyway, I believe it possible that Ms. Pritchett is too cruel both to herself and her ex-husband when she writes that their mutual aversion to conflict was "more...about cowardice." An inability to engage in a difficult act doesn't necessarily have anything at all to do with cowardice or fear.
Sometimes, one just doesn't have the tools.
Many, maybe most, people whose childish and/or idiotic parents/guardians immersed them in excessive, fruitless, and hurtful emotional or physical outbursts simply don't have the skills to be intimate at all, nor would they possess the higher skills required to resolve or accept differences exposed in discussion.
Some such people eventually have a "breakthrough" or figure things out, but those who do not evolve in that way are not necessarily cowards.
16
A friend of mine, facing the same frustrating lack of marital communication, was fortunate to find a fantastic therapist who specializes in "intimacy PTSD".
Like the author's husband, my friend's husband had grown up in a violent and hostile home. He avoided communication as a way to avoid the distress of fights. Intimacy requires getting in each other's space which means that one must share, discuss, negotiate, and often compromise or agree to disagree because two people are just that: two separate people who have their own wants/needs.
My friend's husband associated sharing feelings with fighting. He'd never seen it go any other way, so he avoided it all together.
My friend's therapist (a big fan of Deborah Tannen, PhD and her works, "Women and Men in Conversation" et al) helped my friend and her husband understand the nature of intimacy PTSD. The therapy including reading plays with scenes of interpersonal conflict (Macbeth, Death of A Sales, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, etc.), role play where they got to try out fictional debates and arguments, exercises in having kid-like fun with each other, and a lot of understanding in the ways that they both inhibited their communication.
They are still together and are much happier. I think we put too much faith in chemistry and not in communication skill. Chemistry is important, but it is good communication that makes good chemistry stay GREAT!
Like the author's husband, my friend's husband had grown up in a violent and hostile home. He avoided communication as a way to avoid the distress of fights. Intimacy requires getting in each other's space which means that one must share, discuss, negotiate, and often compromise or agree to disagree because two people are just that: two separate people who have their own wants/needs.
My friend's husband associated sharing feelings with fighting. He'd never seen it go any other way, so he avoided it all together.
My friend's therapist (a big fan of Deborah Tannen, PhD and her works, "Women and Men in Conversation" et al) helped my friend and her husband understand the nature of intimacy PTSD. The therapy including reading plays with scenes of interpersonal conflict (Macbeth, Death of A Sales, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, etc.), role play where they got to try out fictional debates and arguments, exercises in having kid-like fun with each other, and a lot of understanding in the ways that they both inhibited their communication.
They are still together and are much happier. I think we put too much faith in chemistry and not in communication skill. Chemistry is important, but it is good communication that makes good chemistry stay GREAT!
60
You should have taken control. I simply schedule visitors, dates, opera, rock concerts. I insist on Wednesday nights being date nights where we sit on the sofa drinking a favorite bubbly and watching a movie. I took control and I navigate us through our life together.
Don't mistake me. It is not for me but it's also not for him. I work to open his world before him and he works to insure the privacy I crave. We seldom argue.
I love the life we've created together but I made no mistake. When two people come together who are stubbornly quiet one of them must open the door to all the world has to offer and then choose what is worth venturing forth for and with a gentle ease-way to grow on.
Don't mistake me. It is not for me but it's also not for him. I work to open his world before him and he works to insure the privacy I crave. We seldom argue.
I love the life we've created together but I made no mistake. When two people come together who are stubbornly quiet one of them must open the door to all the world has to offer and then choose what is worth venturing forth for and with a gentle ease-way to grow on.
54
Emotional avoidance I am sure has its rewards, but to most of us they are too few. Having one partner scheduling events and starting conversations and rocking the boat is all well and good, but it just isn't satisfying. I prefer to see some effort (even clumsy) being directed my way.
Beware of the so-called strong, silent types, unless you want to find yourself in a lonely marriage a couple of decades down the road. I wouldn't wish it a silent marriage on anyone. If you want a silent partner, then get an inflatable dummy.
Beware of the so-called strong, silent types, unless you want to find yourself in a lonely marriage a couple of decades down the road. I wouldn't wish it a silent marriage on anyone. If you want a silent partner, then get an inflatable dummy.
13
You missed the part where the author said that her husband didn't like 'to go out'. It really sounds like he flatly refused to go out. Your husband is NOT her husband. You can't force someone out the door when they just won't go.
6
If the marriage failed because they didn't fight, OK. But it doesn't mean fighting makes a healthy marriage. We confuse ourselves too much these days with false syllogisms. May the two people in this story now find contentment.
69
Marriage is mysterious. I've almost made it thirty years with my husband and we've experienced some very dark stuff - serious mental health struggles, other serious medical issues and so on. Nasty life stuff. It's been horrible at times and joyous at others. It's far, far from a linear journey. Some of the comments come across as awfully smug especially the ones emphasizing sex. Sometimes there are periods in a marriage where it's not possible for whatever reason. Commitment, love and patience go much further in the long run.
78
Lack of fighting is not the problem, it's the lack of communication and not letting the other person hear your feelings and vice versa. Disagreeing on things on civil way without arguing is wonderful.
43
Agreed. It seems to me the real problem is that these two persons are more often disengaged than engaged, if ever. There is a big and meaningful difference between 1+1=2 and 1+1>2. I must congrat the writer for her courage to do what is better for both, and especially for HER.
7
I can identify with this story. My ex and I were the "perfect couple" and folks were shocked when we split. He came from a volatile family that he effectively left, except to sleep at night, when he was about 10 years old. I came from a WASP family where nothing was every talked about, let alone argued about. My ex and I literally could not talk to each other.
33
This is exactly my 20 year marriage now and how it has always been with one exception. The first 5-10 years I tried to have conversations, to engage in real dialogue or even argue about my needs etc. After each attempt to bring something up to my husband that was important to me, he would simply shut down. He would say nothing, he would always say nothing. I would sometimes rant and rave like a lunatic trying to elicit some emotion but he would not speak. He would then watch me to see if the argument was over. No argument or discussion was ever resolved and now 20 years later the same arguments and problems exist but I gave up trying to resolve an argument or have any type of real dialogue. I gave up because I realized that anything I said or tried to say just did not matter. After so many attempts at saying how I felt and trying to resolve an issues I stopped. The anger that would build up in me at being shut down/ignored was so hurtful to me it became easier to just swallow anything upsetting. This is not how anyone should live. We tried counseling a few times but it was not particularly successful. I hate myself for living my life this way but during this period I went back to school and have been unable to support myself. I plan to leave when I can support myself and I hope I can muster the courage to say the words that the author said while sitting on her couch.
106
Eloquent. I recognize my marriage in some of what you write. I hope you get a chance for a new beginning.
16
It looks like your husband is a wise, tolerant person and most likely not self-centered parent. You are fortunate and I hope that over those 20 years of marriage you grew up and matured.
1
Thanks, Laura. I can relate to this. And that's what telling a truth is all about.
28
Marriage, as we knew it............. does not exist. My married male friends are envious of my single status and yet my married female friends share a collective dark fantasy of killing their husbands in their sleep.
35
"No sound, no fury, no marriage" -- but you're still in each others' lives and still love each other. You get to keep the continuity of all those years together. Your homes, your children, your friends... essentially, your memories survive intact. You get to reshape your identities without losing what you built together. Not everyone is so fortunate. It's a good piece of truthful writing, on rough terrain rarely tackled or identified so well. Well done.
28
2 passive aggressive people is a formula for both of them to internalize their feelings. i'm 1 passive me and not my wife. she brings out the worst in me , which is good, I guess. ++++ years of this stuff makes life interesting.
11
Thank you, Laura Pritchett. You speak truly and I deeply understand.
22
This is a beautifully written essay, although based on how the story is presented, borders on fiction. Could anyone believe the ex-husband would agree with the reason for the break up - that they didn't argue enough? Subtly and gently, Ms. Pritchett veers from a no-fault, just-didn't-work description of her failed marriage to basically: It was all his fault. "He disliked touching or snuggling" (He was a cold fish who was afraid of intimacy). "I did not" (I was a healthy, loving willing partner). "He wanted to stay home on evenings and weekends" (He was an isolated hermit). "I wanted to go out" (I'm a sociable, likable human being). And then the dagger, "He disliked the sensation of two bodies being in proximity - I did not." (No need to elaborate here). I have little doubt the writer believes what she wrote, and blessings to her for finding a nice, normal boyfriend who isn't the soulless android that was her husband. But as is the case in every split up, there are two sides, and just by the way Ms. Pritchett presents her side leaves little doubt that the other side may well be a completely different story.
138
Ms. Pritchett may have presented only her side because her husband never revealed to her his side. In the essay I read, she made efforts to get her husband to communicate but her would not or could not, or simply lives his life on the surface. Ultimately, she made the decision to leave because she knew her marriage had not been meeting her needs and, unless her husband was willing to meet her halfway (which he clearly was not), it never would.
10
Yours is the most astute comment I've read. While sympathetic to the writer, it peels back some of the complexities and gently reminds us of the other side. I thank you for it.
11
You added the judgments, she didn't.
P.S. There are always two sides. This was hers.
P.S. There are always two sides. This was hers.
9
Good to know I wasn't alone. There was no dialogue in my marriage; my ex wife is the most guarded person I've ever known (?). Why I didn't see this from day one I do not know. Let your smitteness run its course and save yourself a lot of grief.
22
Any chance your ex-husband has Asperger's?
51
You are absolutely right!!! And I know that because I was married to the same type of man. After ten years of incredible loneliness - I used to feel that I was married to myself and a single parent while in a married situation - I left.
Autism wasn't on the map some 25-30 years ago when some of us were young and hopeful. I didn't know what I know now. The medical world didn't know what it knows now about the autism spectrum of manifestations.
I happened to have a relationship with a man whose daughter had Asperger's. Having to understand what his parental situation involved, I read as much as I could about Asperger's, and the more I read, the better I understood whom I was married to.
I finally understood the source of the problems that consumed me for a decade and finally forgave him.
Autism wasn't on the map some 25-30 years ago when some of us were young and hopeful. I didn't know what I know now. The medical world didn't know what it knows now about the autism spectrum of manifestations.
I happened to have a relationship with a man whose daughter had Asperger's. Having to understand what his parental situation involved, I read as much as I could about Asperger's, and the more I read, the better I understood whom I was married to.
I finally understood the source of the problems that consumed me for a decade and finally forgave him.
9
My husband and I have been married for 50 years. The one thing that stood in the way of our partnership's survival was lack of communication. Thanks to him and his insistence that we keep communicating during difficult times, it's now an open relationship that we both treasure. Thanks to Laura Pritchett for saying things that we all know, but might not know how to communicate. Great essay.
45
I don't remember my parents ever shouting at each other. I'm not entirely certain I ever remember them arguing. But they lasted forty years and are the example of what I want my marriage to be like. (I'm at ten and a half years, and my husband just proposed again, so I figure I'm doing something right).
There are ways to have sound and fury and passion without drama. My husband and I have a fairly quiet marriage, but he is my rock, and I can't imagine my life without him.
There are ways to have sound and fury and passion without drama. My husband and I have a fairly quiet marriage, but he is my rock, and I can't imagine my life without him.
33
My mother in-law often commented that if people spent as much time in picking a spouse as they do in picking a car marriages would last longer.
44
I am a yeller, talker and want conversation. I am married to a quiet, not the type to engage in small talk and worst of all, when the conversation turns to tough stuff, he totally shuts down. It is frustrating beyond belief and there are times when I lash out to get a response, any response. It isn't pretty but sometimes it works....
28
People who are quiet and not the type to engage in small talk are thinking. When I shut down on a conversation it is not because I'm being pleasured being pushed to the point of no control. It's because I am wondering whatever did I see in such a drama king. I will, did, abide it for four or five years. It was the realization that Saturday night Mystery Theater, starring one, was always - always - always going to be the same story even with different words and lighting.
Boring and irritating. A life time spent as such? nope.
You should look for someone else who shares your passion for drama before he looks for a quiet one bedroom apartment to which you will not possess the key.
Boring and irritating. A life time spent as such? nope.
You should look for someone else who shares your passion for drama before he looks for a quiet one bedroom apartment to which you will not possess the key.
8
Yes, I, too, wanted conversation. Dialogue. Being in what became (or was it all along?) a patriarchal relationship was unhealthy for me. Perhaps not for everyone...
The marriage died. It was on life-support for some years. Family tradition evidently was more important than my own mental and physical health.
Communication is of the essence...from both parties...and becomes DI-alogue. It takes effort, it takes commitment...each person's participation and work contribute to the effort, commitment and communication. 50% just doesn't work. The marriage does die. I've been there...hoping.
My heart goes out to those still hoping, hoping, hoping...
The marriage died. It was on life-support for some years. Family tradition evidently was more important than my own mental and physical health.
Communication is of the essence...from both parties...and becomes DI-alogue. It takes effort, it takes commitment...each person's participation and work contribute to the effort, commitment and communication. 50% just doesn't work. The marriage does die. I've been there...hoping.
My heart goes out to those still hoping, hoping, hoping...
4
To be a yeller seems to be a problem and disaster enough. To proudly announce that in the newspaper of record is then something else. Geeez.
A story of selfish people. What ever happened to "love, honor and cherish 'till death do us part?"
Yeah, I know, that sounds sooo retrograde.
Yeah, I know, that sounds sooo retrograde.
10
Sooo retrograde, indeed!
2
How could you be married for an hour to a man who didn't love touching, hugging, and intertwining? I wouldn't even like him. The writer should be out looking for more in life than spending time with this man...kids or no kids. What does she do for fun?
4
How did they manage to have children without touching, hugging and intertwining?
It looks more like a case of passion mistaken for love.
Raising children is hard and time consuming work. I have never known a parent who has not said more than once 'I'm so tired.'
I imagine that's the dividing line. I am of the nature to trudge through. My X was not. Immediate reward or a temper tantrum was his way of dealing with exhaustion and stress while mine was to work constantly, silently, to make room for a 10 minute nap. Which, I may add, he would disturb with his touchy-feely demand on the spot. Meanwhile I was doing all the work while he sat on the sofa feeling sorry for himself. He never once thought, I suppose, 'I could help a bit; after all they are my children too'.
It looks more like a case of passion mistaken for love.
Raising children is hard and time consuming work. I have never known a parent who has not said more than once 'I'm so tired.'
I imagine that's the dividing line. I am of the nature to trudge through. My X was not. Immediate reward or a temper tantrum was his way of dealing with exhaustion and stress while mine was to work constantly, silently, to make room for a 10 minute nap. Which, I may add, he would disturb with his touchy-feely demand on the spot. Meanwhile I was doing all the work while he sat on the sofa feeling sorry for himself. He never once thought, I suppose, 'I could help a bit; after all they are my children too'.
4
The author says:
"I sometimes wonder if our inability to strike out is heartbreakingly rooted in our love for one another. Because we did and do love each other. And we both had been so injured by our violent and loud childhoods that we found refuge and joy in the quiet."
and
"On these walks, I sometimes start a conversation of substance, just to see if we can do it better."
As a minister I have had people (especially women) tell me that they no longer love the person they married. I ask: "Did you ever love him?" They answer, "Yes".
I give them something to think about. I ask the following questions:
1. Is it that you really no longer love him?
or
2. Is it that your love for him is buried under all the hurt?
Often they realize (and respond) that their love is buried under all the hurt.
Without prolonging this post, it is my opinion that Jesus is the answer. (I think Jesus is the answer for both of you, not just one of you [because your husband's love is also probably buried under all the hurt {and I am not referring to the hurt experienced in your childhoods}]).
Stop laughing (at this post) and try Jesus!!! You will find Him in the Holy Bible.
"I sometimes wonder if our inability to strike out is heartbreakingly rooted in our love for one another. Because we did and do love each other. And we both had been so injured by our violent and loud childhoods that we found refuge and joy in the quiet."
and
"On these walks, I sometimes start a conversation of substance, just to see if we can do it better."
As a minister I have had people (especially women) tell me that they no longer love the person they married. I ask: "Did you ever love him?" They answer, "Yes".
I give them something to think about. I ask the following questions:
1. Is it that you really no longer love him?
or
2. Is it that your love for him is buried under all the hurt?
Often they realize (and respond) that their love is buried under all the hurt.
Without prolonging this post, it is my opinion that Jesus is the answer. (I think Jesus is the answer for both of you, not just one of you [because your husband's love is also probably buried under all the hurt {and I am not referring to the hurt experienced in your childhoods}]).
Stop laughing (at this post) and try Jesus!!! You will find Him in the Holy Bible.
12
I would rephrase, maybe this is the case of a man who needs heavenly and / or professional human help with learning to formulate an answer and taking the risk to express it.
Taking the risk that his spouse may disagree.
Taking the risk that he might get angry after hearing her response.
Taking the risk that he will get blamed or criticized.
Taking the risk that it might get a little hot in the kitchen if he speaks up.
Taking the risk that they may get closer as a result of communicating better.
Or taking the risk to say that he too prefers to end the marriage.
Taking the risk that his spouse may disagree.
Taking the risk that he might get angry after hearing her response.
Taking the risk that he will get blamed or criticized.
Taking the risk that it might get a little hot in the kitchen if he speaks up.
Taking the risk that they may get closer as a result of communicating better.
Or taking the risk to say that he too prefers to end the marriage.
3
But are you dating?
4
"My current boyfriend loves banter. He chats all the time about ideas, movies, songs, his day, bad drivers and the fact that he loves the look of horses standing in a field. He grows annoyed when I don’t push him back with words or ideas. That’s what conversation is for, he argues.
"I laugh and engage. We also have big, complicated disagreements. I am no longer interested in silence."
"I laugh and engage. We also have big, complicated disagreements. I am no longer interested in silence."
I would love to hear the same story from the ex-husband's view.
46
Except...he's not talking.
9
My thoughts exactly....and she was the one that bailed.
4
Or, as a post on Facebook pithily described this sort of situation: "Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it."
64
If he didn't want contact, etc., it sounds like he didn't really want to be in a relationship.
What is one to do?
Maybe he never should have married in the first place?
What is one to do?
Maybe he never should have married in the first place?
25
My ex and I entered counseling because I begged for it. I shared, cried and felt while Carol sat stone faced on the other end of the couch.The therapist, drawn to my articulation engaged with me. At one point I asked the therapist, 'Why don't you ask Carol how she feels?'. She turned the focus on Carol. 'Carol, how do you feel about what she has shared ?' she asked.
Carol said, ' I'm tired.' We were worlds apart, she had left long ago.
Carol said, ' I'm tired.' We were worlds apart, she had left long ago.
24
This is sad and weird...
It's not the yelling that was needed, but rather *communication by any means.* If she could write this out so darn well, why didn't she just write this years ago and hand it to him? It would have been a start. Now, instead of arguing in front of the kids, she's told the whole world all of their former private marital secrets.
Far better to have written him, and kept this to her immediate circle. Did her obviously quiet and private Ex approve of this world wide broadcast?
It's not the noise, it's the content...
It's not the yelling that was needed, but rather *communication by any means.* If she could write this out so darn well, why didn't she just write this years ago and hand it to him? It would have been a start. Now, instead of arguing in front of the kids, she's told the whole world all of their former private marital secrets.
Far better to have written him, and kept this to her immediate circle. Did her obviously quiet and private Ex approve of this world wide broadcast?
It's not the noise, it's the content...
50
I wrote. I spoke. Maybe if I'd sung. Writing...the notes would be crumbled in the trash. Speaking...'go to your room'. (Excuse me, I'm an adult past 50 and being told this...) Or .... 'you're talking crazy-talk'.
When I left, our mutual friends chose to continue the friendship with my former husband. I was 'in the wrong' it seemed, no one bothered to find out if there were two sides. Or how they could support each of us.
New friendships. New life. Good opportunities unfolded. Gratitude.
When I left, our mutual friends chose to continue the friendship with my former husband. I was 'in the wrong' it seemed, no one bothered to find out if there were two sides. Or how they could support each of us.
New friendships. New life. Good opportunities unfolded. Gratitude.
13
Now it's nice guys get divorced.
16
Uncommunicative and passive-aggressive do not equal "nice." Withholding communication, affection, and physical contact from one's partner is not "nice" - it can be deliberately cruel. There can be tremendous hostility in silence and unresponsiveness.
Just because someone is not overtly angry, loud, or abusive doesn't make him or her "nice."
Just because someone is not overtly angry, loud, or abusive doesn't make him or her "nice."
18
Putting aside whether the man in the story fits your passive-aggressive description, either because his spouse's description wasn't fair, or because he could be more accurately described as passive-introverted, I agree that one can deliberately hurt without being aggressive, but also that non-malicious "nice" behavior can be misinterpreted, especially by those with a different personality type.
2
The Navy has a saying "A happy ship is a complaining ship"
26
Reminds me of Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis. Living requires caring. You have to make meaningful lives and meaningful relationships.
23
So now you've decided to share with the world the story of your marriage. Or rather your ex-husband's story as well as yours. What a violation--is nothing sacred and personal? Must everything in a person's life be written and shared? I hope you at least got the permission of your ex before splashing the details of your relationship in the New York Times.
36
They were so compatible the marriage ended. What they had was something...but not a marriage.
8
i'm wondering that maybe you're just a very insecure and neurotic woman. I mean come on, you want conflict? You should be so lucky not to have lived in my household when i was growing up. Silence would have been golden, a gift, a treat. You can take your insecure desire for confrontion and conflict along with you to the shrinks office, 2x a week , as needed. Take your current conflict coordinator boyfriend with you. I thought i heard everything.
13
No audible conflict in my family growing up. All swept under the rug. No audible conflict in my former marriage. All swept under the rug... until I realized there was no communication and the marriage needed fresh air*--communication--to survive.
* Hot air, gentle breezes, gales (maybe not), stirrings of some sort of communication...
* Hot air, gentle breezes, gales (maybe not), stirrings of some sort of communication...
Well she reads these durm and strang novels, see.
And wants something more. So did Betty Frieidan--she wanted a job worthy of her talents. Feminism is driven by boredom. So is divorce.
But often the progress is not getting what you want; but getting not to want it. Sometimes that's growing up. (see Epictetus--and the Stoics generally).
It applies to feelings too. Normal fear, for example, is the feeling of lurking danger--it's a good thing, making you cautious. The phobias are fears without the danger--better to surmount them. All emotions have their rationality/normality and irrationality/abnormality conditions.
Keep the good, shuck the bad. Beliefs need not the true or even rational; so too feelings. Mere feelings are neither here nor there.
Also Socrates knew about value illusions: health is overrated by the sick--they think that's all they need for happiness; the illusion disappears once they get it. So too for poverty and wealth; loneliness and companionship; horniness and sex; boredom and challenges--on and on--certainly for the stable, comfortable and durm and strang.
And wants something more. So did Betty Frieidan--she wanted a job worthy of her talents. Feminism is driven by boredom. So is divorce.
But often the progress is not getting what you want; but getting not to want it. Sometimes that's growing up. (see Epictetus--and the Stoics generally).
It applies to feelings too. Normal fear, for example, is the feeling of lurking danger--it's a good thing, making you cautious. The phobias are fears without the danger--better to surmount them. All emotions have their rationality/normality and irrationality/abnormality conditions.
Keep the good, shuck the bad. Beliefs need not the true or even rational; so too feelings. Mere feelings are neither here nor there.
Also Socrates knew about value illusions: health is overrated by the sick--they think that's all they need for happiness; the illusion disappears once they get it. So too for poverty and wealth; loneliness and companionship; horniness and sex; boredom and challenges--on and on--certainly for the stable, comfortable and durm and strang.
2
If you read her essay, it sounds like she did grow up in your household.
4
Fighting, shouting, arguing....it's all so bloody uncivilised. It is like Aldous Huxley wrote in Point Counter Point: "Only the uneducated makes 'scenes'".
Keep your dignity and honour. Disagree when appropriate, but don't fight. It is just so barbaric.
Keep your dignity and honour. Disagree when appropriate, but don't fight. It is just so barbaric.
3
It seems awfully appropriate that your location reads "Oxford, UK". I almost hope that I've mistaken irony for seriousness.
2
This is a pretty solid argument for red pillers.
Everything is an argument for red pillers, for those who choose to look at life through that filter. Some of us try to have an open mind so we can learn from others. This necessitates trying not to have filters.
1
Yep, I get the "you don't love me cause..." Thing. Then it's hours of hashing it out. I'd like to avoid it, but it's necessary to address. Once done, hurt feelings may linger, but like a pustule it's burst and can now heal. I'd rather talk than ignore. She's my best friend, no matter how much she annoys me, I'm feel a bit lost when she's not there and always glad when she returns. I liked what George Harrison's wife said when asked how she stayed married: "we didn't get divorced". Well uh duh but that's the key. Then you have to work it out.
10
Modern laziness.
Communication is at the heart of any relationship. If you were unable to communicate your feelings to your husband and listen to his, then why get married?
Communication is at the heart of any relationship. If you were unable to communicate your feelings to your husband and listen to his, then why get married?
8
I too have lived in this kind of a marriage...for far too long...so long that it's way too late for me to get out. I applaud people who take the leap to better their lives - and I applaud the spouse who gracefully lets them go. It is terrible to live being so lonely all the time, just terrible.
41
My heart goes out to you, cgg. It was over 35 years before I left. It was another 3 years before I filed for divorce. I wish goodness for you...in unexpected ways.
7
It is NEVER too late. A friend of mine told me how his Mom divorced after 55 years of marriage. After that, she married a friend of the family, and had a great relationship with him before she passed away.
7
It's never too late.
5
Interesting how many are arguing over a lack of arguing... kind of proving the author's point.
8
Beautifully written piece. What you speak of is not unique to marriages. It can be found in families, communities, nations & civilizations. Your pen speaks where your tongue cannot. Beautifully written!
17
2 cheers for roommateness.
2.5 for roommateness with benefits.
2.75 for roommateness with exclusive benefits
Only 2 cheers for durm and strang--it's a 6 volt bulb in a 12 volt socket--burns brilliantly but not for long.
And can be very expensive.
2.5 for roommateness with benefits.
2.75 for roommateness with exclusive benefits
Only 2 cheers for durm and strang--it's a 6 volt bulb in a 12 volt socket--burns brilliantly but not for long.
And can be very expensive.
12
Sounds like he is on the spectrum.
22
i imagine that he pretty much has a different perspective on the demise of the marriage.
1
A few questions:
1) No sex? For how long? Weren't you lonely?
2) If you, the author can write this forcefully and precisely, why couldn't you speak? Something doesn't add up here. You portray your husband as the silent one, the cold one, the unsexual one. But what was your role?
I think this is partly fiction. And, of course, I sympathize. Marriage can be a lonesome experiment.
1) No sex? For how long? Weren't you lonely?
2) If you, the author can write this forcefully and precisely, why couldn't you speak? Something doesn't add up here. You portray your husband as the silent one, the cold one, the unsexual one. But what was your role?
I think this is partly fiction. And, of course, I sympathize. Marriage can be a lonesome experiment.
23
If you don't overcome your mistakes after your first divorce, you will most definitely, when the novelty wears off, repeat them again later in your next. It's all about communication.
8
Enjoy the change and your freedom. Nothing wrong with your marriage though...what do you wanna be scratching and fighting for? A job as an actress might have helped fill that need.
If I ever do the marriage thing, I hope it's boring
If I ever do the marriage thing, I hope it's boring
7
please read: in sickness and in health by w.h. Auden
2
New York Jew that I am, I find this fascinating, kind of like observing life on Mars. My wife and I might classify as the polar opposite of this, both passionate and loud. The bad times can be scary, but we never lack excitement about each other, or deep love. I have no clue about universality, maybe two quite people can be passionate for each other, but I can't imagine being truly happy with someone I wasn't passionate about. Being married to a friend? Why not just call each other roommates and get over it. I've been with my wife for 33 years, fully expect another 33, and who knows if we'll ever get old enough to be quiet?
20
Then, of course - on the other hand - how many people have known (or come from) families where the normal mode of communication between members is screaming at the top their lungs -- ?
And - if asked - those people would insist they come from close, loving and tightly-knit families...
And - if asked - those people would insist they come from close, loving and tightly-knit families...
3
The author has not learned anything. She just found another guy who has one opposite feature to the ex – bantering. If you take the bantering out, the relationship with the b/f is exactly same as with the ex except there is no friendship. If the b/f does not work, I can see the author saying it failed because they did not have the friendship she had with the ex.
This is precisely why it is important to focus on what you contributed to any relationship and what you need to change rather than what has happened to you and put the blame.
As long as she is happily saying she is only reactive to whatever situation she finds herself, she will be doing the same thing Freud called this sort of thing repetition compulsion. She will always swing from one end of the spectrum to the other side until she stops and reflects deeply why she does what she does? Not my husband did this and I decided not to like it after 20yrs and now my new b/f does it opposite of that particular problem. Does the b/f accept she is the silent type? Because even if the author is yapping now, it is not her default status (as proven over 20yrs of practice) and she will eventually fall back to her natural tendencies of keeping things inside…does the b/f accept that side of her? Does she accept her silent type?
She did not leave the silence, she found the loudness again...abnd it is a matter of time 4 exhaustion.
@author, please do not take my words personal....I am aiming for general thoughts.
This is precisely why it is important to focus on what you contributed to any relationship and what you need to change rather than what has happened to you and put the blame.
As long as she is happily saying she is only reactive to whatever situation she finds herself, she will be doing the same thing Freud called this sort of thing repetition compulsion. She will always swing from one end of the spectrum to the other side until she stops and reflects deeply why she does what she does? Not my husband did this and I decided not to like it after 20yrs and now my new b/f does it opposite of that particular problem. Does the b/f accept she is the silent type? Because even if the author is yapping now, it is not her default status (as proven over 20yrs of practice) and she will eventually fall back to her natural tendencies of keeping things inside…does the b/f accept that side of her? Does she accept her silent type?
She did not leave the silence, she found the loudness again...abnd it is a matter of time 4 exhaustion.
@author, please do not take my words personal....I am aiming for general thoughts.
11
Ms. Pritchett and her ex-husband are to be commended for keeping their break-up civil and thinking of the well-being of their children.
I can’t help wondering though, why someone who likes touching and snuggling and the sensation of two bodies in proximity would marry someone who does not? Wouldn’t that issue come up before marriage?
I can’t help wondering though, why someone who likes touching and snuggling and the sensation of two bodies in proximity would marry someone who does not? Wouldn’t that issue come up before marriage?
12
I don't get all the concern for the author writing about her quiet marriage and break up, as if its a breach of privacy.
Her spouse's name isn't shared, anywhere. His privacy is intact.
Her spouse's name isn't shared, anywhere. His privacy is intact.
9
My parents had a difficult period in their marriage when my siblings and I were teens - my parents just did not get along. That continued for years afterwards, but they stuck it out. Sometime in their 70s, peace and love bloomed again. Today in their late 80s, as the only surviving members of their generation on both sides of the family, they have each other to love and to hold. Their relationship is a blessing to our whole family.
I feel like the couple in the article just cannot see what they have!
I feel like the couple in the article just cannot see what they have!
14
Beautifully written. Thanks.
My abashed projection: partner has emotional anorexia. (yes it is a thing.) Doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings or love, just can't stand connection for more than a few minutes/hours/days... it varies.
Another projection: both partners are traumatized.
Kudos to both for managing such great suffering with grace. one partner needed sex and more interaction. the other made space for her.
wishing all of you much love and peace
My abashed projection: partner has emotional anorexia. (yes it is a thing.) Doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings or love, just can't stand connection for more than a few minutes/hours/days... it varies.
Another projection: both partners are traumatized.
Kudos to both for managing such great suffering with grace. one partner needed sex and more interaction. the other made space for her.
wishing all of you much love and peace
12
Honestly, it does not sound like a lack of fighting broke the marriage, but a lack of communication, compromise, and intimacy along with a lack of passion.
You were reticent to communicate your needs and unhappiness. Once you realized your differences, you were unable to compromise and find a solution. There appeared to be absolutely no physical or emotional intimacy. The relationship seemed very distant and bland.
Guaranteed if those were present in your relationship, with a little bit of more passion, you would not have wrote this article.
Anyways, it seems like you found someone who has these qualities and you appear to be happier. Best of luck to you.
You were reticent to communicate your needs and unhappiness. Once you realized your differences, you were unable to compromise and find a solution. There appeared to be absolutely no physical or emotional intimacy. The relationship seemed very distant and bland.
Guaranteed if those were present in your relationship, with a little bit of more passion, you would not have wrote this article.
Anyways, it seems like you found someone who has these qualities and you appear to be happier. Best of luck to you.
11
I have to echo other comments I've read in this section:
What's fashionable or stylish about any of this?
Shouldn't fashion and style be uplifting? This piece just reads like a transcript from a particularly down "This American Life."
What's fashionable or stylish about any of this?
Shouldn't fashion and style be uplifting? This piece just reads like a transcript from a particularly down "This American Life."
2
I wonder what his side of the story is.
24
hah....exactly. i hope he is happier than ever.
2
Illustration seems unfair.
She's a writer and the author of this piece, and admits that she was too placid on the outside while burning on the inside. Her head is turned toward him, as if to suggest she was open, but her admissions say otherwise.
Maybe he was burning inside too. Maybe he looked at her when she wasn't noticing.
But since he doesn't get a voice here, we're left with only her POV.
She's a writer and the author of this piece, and admits that she was too placid on the outside while burning on the inside. Her head is turned toward him, as if to suggest she was open, but her admissions say otherwise.
Maybe he was burning inside too. Maybe he looked at her when she wasn't noticing.
But since he doesn't get a voice here, we're left with only her POV.
21
Thank you for your excellent article, Ms. Pritchart. My wife and are currently in a very similar situation the last years of your marriage, except I am you and my wife is your husband. Twenty years of marriage and we are little more than roommates.
Unlike you, I've begun to vent my rising resentment at her lack of emotional and physical engagement. Being conflict averse like your husband, however, my wife doesn't fight back; she just quietly leaves the room.
We do things together, go for walks, meet for lunch, trying to reconnect. But we never throw ideas back and forth, talk about our hopes and dreams, or whatever couples do when they're together. We discuss logistics. Who is going to pick up which kid from which activity on which night? What are we doing for Thanksgiving?
I don't want a divorce, but neither do I want to continue this empty marriage. I appreciate your article for giving me, perhaps, a glimpse of one of my possible futures.
Unlike you, I've begun to vent my rising resentment at her lack of emotional and physical engagement. Being conflict averse like your husband, however, my wife doesn't fight back; she just quietly leaves the room.
We do things together, go for walks, meet for lunch, trying to reconnect. But we never throw ideas back and forth, talk about our hopes and dreams, or whatever couples do when they're together. We discuss logistics. Who is going to pick up which kid from which activity on which night? What are we doing for Thanksgiving?
I don't want a divorce, but neither do I want to continue this empty marriage. I appreciate your article for giving me, perhaps, a glimpse of one of my possible futures.
173
I hear you....I have come to understand how lonely one can be in a relationship.....
21
It is the same with my boyfriend and me, only he is 68 and I am 63. Hardly young love. We are good friends who do things together and discuss logistics - where are we going to go this summer, which place should we go for dinner, how can we visit each of our grandchildren on the same weekend? Both of us are widowed. I want to dream, and ponder with him the fragile yet remarkable path that brought us together at such a late age, and the possibilities we still have.. He sits unengaged in silence on the couch. "Tomorrow it's supposed to rain," he says. And so, I respond about the weather report, and think about how I am with him, but alone. I don't want to leave. And go where? and do what? But I do so very much want to be emotionally entwined.
14
So, like the author, who too "wanted something more", do you believe that your kids are really, really OK with divorce because you want "something more"? You are, excuse me, selfish and self-centered and your kids (and even their kids) will pay for that over their entire lives. You, if you care about all of them, will end up with less, not more.
3
Having been there myself, my impression is that the marriage started it's demise four novels ago. Good marriages require a constant dialogue, with frequent adjustments, re-connections with shared interests, and the constant development of new areas of mutual interest.
Writing, like many pursuits, is a solitary activity, and can be all-consuming of the author's time and attention, often leaving little time left over for the work of maintaining a relationship. At some point it becomes obvious where the fork in the road was, but by that time it's often too late.
Writing, like many pursuits, is a solitary activity, and can be all-consuming of the author's time and attention, often leaving little time left over for the work of maintaining a relationship. At some point it becomes obvious where the fork in the road was, but by that time it's often too late.
17
"Four novels ago": It is so true that writing is a solitary activity. I wonder if David Brooks working so seriously in his basement unwittingly contributed to the demise of his marriage to Sarah (she changed her name to a Jewish one as she joined his religion).
6
Nothing wrong, nothing right is always the hardest thing to navigate in relationships.
The undefinable ideal or perfect gets in the way. You'll "know it when you see him/her" often is not so. What works is hard to define until you live it. And you can be working at something in tandem only to discover you were the only one working on an elusive state. Some people move backward not forward in their personal growth: regression not growing up kills love via the unattainable childish needs. Stasis, the passive, also ends connection as it appears to have done for the author's relationship.
The undefinable ideal or perfect gets in the way. You'll "know it when you see him/her" often is not so. What works is hard to define until you live it. And you can be working at something in tandem only to discover you were the only one working on an elusive state. Some people move backward not forward in their personal growth: regression not growing up kills love via the unattainable childish needs. Stasis, the passive, also ends connection as it appears to have done for the author's relationship.
3
Once again, the "comments" are much better for enlightenment than the article.
26
It sounds like they're still married and both of them are still developing their passive aggressive relationship with each other.
15
I'm surprised to see so many people coming down so hard on this woman.
It's a tricky thing, knowing when to speak up and when to maintain the peace. I'm only in my twenties, but my last relationship didn't work out for reasons similar to this. We were both afraid of fighting or disagreement. We didn't know how to talk about aspects of our relationship that bothered us. When I started speaking up anyway (clumsily), he saw it as a personal attack. After a few months of this he gave me an ultimatum to stop speaking up. I broke up with him. I don't regret it at all. We're both happier now.
I can't fathom continuing like that for twenty years. And for everyone who says you've got to stick it out -- when do you know that it's worth it to keep going, after you've tried working on it? I honestly don't know.
It's a tricky thing, knowing when to speak up and when to maintain the peace. I'm only in my twenties, but my last relationship didn't work out for reasons similar to this. We were both afraid of fighting or disagreement. We didn't know how to talk about aspects of our relationship that bothered us. When I started speaking up anyway (clumsily), he saw it as a personal attack. After a few months of this he gave me an ultimatum to stop speaking up. I broke up with him. I don't regret it at all. We're both happier now.
I can't fathom continuing like that for twenty years. And for everyone who says you've got to stick it out -- when do you know that it's worth it to keep going, after you've tried working on it? I honestly don't know.
30
I guess I have to respond to your post because, imo, you and your mate did the sane thing, the self-preservation thing, the right thing; you stopped it. I think you weren't married since you said "relationship". I may be wrong, but my thoughts on all this story and comments is: why get married? Or why get married so soon. Two people who take vows need to consider these important things FIRST --are we going to be compatible and happy with each other, do we bring something valuable to the relationship and each other. Now everybody can get married--or at least in most states? Why make that a priority when it is so, so difficult? I never want to enter into a marriage that isn't so clearly ready to be the best choice of my life because divorce is so painful, and usually children, and at least extended family are affected.
I wish people would stop and consider what a marriage is really supposed to be about before they take their solemn and sacred vows.
I wish people would stop and consider what a marriage is really supposed to be about before they take their solemn and sacred vows.
7
When she told him she was leaving, I can imagine it was very hurtful that even then he didn't fight - for her, to keep her. The image of a marriage of bliss, deep communication and unfettered happiness is unreal. Too often we succumb to those unrealistic images on Facebook, in print media, on TV or in conversation and ask ourselves what is wrong with us when we fight or struggle. The truth is that marriage is work and some of that work involves sometimes painful disagreement and fighting (with ground rules). When you work , you reap the rewards.
13
Thank you for sharing. I admire your idea of adults switching houses instead of the children. Divorce is so common now I am not sure how to feel one way or the other. My son once asked me (when he was in elementary school), "How come I don't have a step-dad? Many of my friends in school have one!"
5
To paraphrase Ed Kleban (Chorus Line, A Class Act):
I've been one and I've been two.
Two is better.
To quote myself:
"I wanna be two again like George and Gracie,
Katie Hepburn, Spencer Tracy,
Cagney and her buddy Lacey once were."
I've been one and I've been two.
Two is better.
To quote myself:
"I wanna be two again like George and Gracie,
Katie Hepburn, Spencer Tracy,
Cagney and her buddy Lacey once were."
7
Is that a song you wrote?
Yes
It is never enriching to fight with someone who does not "fight fair," and sadly many people simply can't do this. So my caveat to this article would be that if you are married to someone who can't refrain from twisting your words or other disingenuous behavior, then arguing won't help sustain a relationship.
19
i wonder -- have they tried therapy? it seems they have so many undercurrents, that someone skilfull could help them to heal.
1
She discusses their therapy in the column.
2
This is a very interesting piece. I've only been married 11 years, but I can say my wife and I have had our fair share of heated conversations, awkward silences, and even utter confusion. My belief is, such is the nature of two people endeavoring to "become one". We undoubtedly love each other and the fact that we, regardless of how bad it is or isn't, are always willing to fight to understand one another and most of all fight to stay together. We decide that even if we never agree on a certain issue, we are here for one another. We decided to let nothing break us up; not even each other.
I think that every marriage is different, but requires much of the same things: a marriage's hierarchy of needs so to speak. I won't be so pretentious as to try to list those needs, but I will say that each person must be willing to fight. It may sound a bit absurd, but confrontation is many times necessary in any relationship to gain understanding, to push a person beyond themselves, and to confront issues that block you from becoming the couple you desire to be. When one or both people are unwilling to fight (I don't mean literally), the marriage is bound to become stagnant and never grow. That will result in divorce.
Sorry for the loss.
I think that every marriage is different, but requires much of the same things: a marriage's hierarchy of needs so to speak. I won't be so pretentious as to try to list those needs, but I will say that each person must be willing to fight. It may sound a bit absurd, but confrontation is many times necessary in any relationship to gain understanding, to push a person beyond themselves, and to confront issues that block you from becoming the couple you desire to be. When one or both people are unwilling to fight (I don't mean literally), the marriage is bound to become stagnant and never grow. That will result in divorce.
Sorry for the loss.
8
The seeds of failure in this marriage were surely there from the beginning; perhaps even with the first date. It may be that some people are simply incapable of a relationship, and the defenses against intimacy are too high. People make trade offs; for the sake of the comforts of home they sacrifice great portions of their personality, assuming they have a personality. If a person is not excited about anything, anything at all, shows no deep interest in career or hobby and can't maintain a conversation about anything more deep than the current price of gas for the car, well I say save the many years of your life and get out while you can, because the situation is not going to change anytime before the funeral.
11
When I read a personal essay like this, then read the comments, I am struck by how quickly people form judgments, serve up opinions, and offer "solutions," often smugly, that tend to highlight themselves, not the writer or the writing. This writer has broken her silence and written an honest, graceful reflection on an important aspect of her life. What she has put in and left out are her creative decisions for this essay at this time. A piece of writing is something that has been crafted and offered to others. Is it not possible to receive it and reflect on it for awhile? Maybe even silently.
710
Margaret, I agree with much of what you wrote. Ms. Pritchett's is indeed a graceful, thoughtful essay that fosters reflection. But I think the first two sentences of your comment are a tad harsh on the commenters.
Readers do form judgements and serve up opinions; and when they highlight their own experiences, they often do so in the spirit of sharing--perhaps to serve up a fragment of their personal story as an example to be emulated, or as a caution to avoid. I consider this generous, and seldom smug. In fact, I see most comments, as I do yours which appropriately invites us to think with greater depth about what we read and how we react to it.
I for one am grateful that thoughtful people write columns (and comments) so that I may reflect from experiences not my own. Sometimes, I choose to react silently, other times to comment, as the NYT permits, and (in an effort to build community and understanding?) invites.
Readers do form judgements and serve up opinions; and when they highlight their own experiences, they often do so in the spirit of sharing--perhaps to serve up a fragment of their personal story as an example to be emulated, or as a caution to avoid. I consider this generous, and seldom smug. In fact, I see most comments, as I do yours which appropriately invites us to think with greater depth about what we read and how we react to it.
I for one am grateful that thoughtful people write columns (and comments) so that I may reflect from experiences not my own. Sometimes, I choose to react silently, other times to comment, as the NYT permits, and (in an effort to build community and understanding?) invites.
26
Very much agreed.
8
This is a contradiction at its best. The analysis of the commenters is that of a piece of literature of a fictional character and at times superior to the main Story.
4
We spend the time we need with another and if it has gone well we can separate understanding we helped rather than hurt each other.
2
Ouch. Initially, I imagined uncharacteristic howls of outrage from the ex over the publishing of all this in the New York Times. Then I decided that, no, submission of the column was preceded by agreement through quiet conversation. Then the possibility occurred that he regards this article as a high compliment. Ouch.
6
You raise an interesting issue. I wonder if the ex- had to sign off on it.
1
It would be interesting to see pictures of the couple when they got married and when they got divorced.
5
I think any marriage after several decades feels worn out. Perhaps even if yours had had "sound and fury" you still would have separated.
I remember during my second marriage after 8 years we didn't have much to say to one another. We'd go to a posh cafe and be the only ones not conversing. I don't know, maybe it was because we came from, and lived in, different cultures.
I remember during my second marriage after 8 years we didn't have much to say to one another. We'd go to a posh cafe and be the only ones not conversing. I don't know, maybe it was because we came from, and lived in, different cultures.
5
My husband and I have a very volatile marriage. We fight and swear at each other. After 44 years of marriage, there isn't anyone I would rather quarrel with.
23
Noisy marriage - constant bickering - is not the answer, either. I was married to an angry man, who was willing to argue about almost anything. It took me 5 years to realize that he had bigger issues than the topics of our fights - he was just unwilling to bring them forward.
17
Having a frictionless relationship then writing about it in the NYT would seem to fit the classic definition of passive-aggressive. It has been my experience that it does children a great disservice modeling passive-aggressive behavior.
24
This piece is far from passive aggressive. There's no blame here. Just an honest reflection on the loss of a marriage that, contrary to most assumptions, looked to be working but was too congenial without the necessary passion.
10
This is a classic couple, each born from dysfunctional, and self-admitted violent childhoods. Whatever money they paid the "marriage counselor" was wasted. You've got to shop for one that "speaks to you and your partner." A counselor that understands both families-of-origin forces that empowered them but also gravely wounded them - sometimes so wounded that true intimacy with another human being is all but impossible. This couple never got in the door to mutual recovery. An effective therapist must be sought out. It's not the first name in the yellow pages. But from the sound of Laura's mini-treatise, her husband is in a state of controlled PTSD - avoiding any opportunity to be vulnerable and trusting - to be fully loving and nurturing to his partner and his children. The first step toward a truly effective, loving life is to first have the courage to admit that they don't know what they don't know - and in an existential moment, trust a true professional. You trust your doctor but you must shop for a therapist.
6
Dave, calling the therapy "wasted" is both unscientific and judgmental. We don't know what occurred, but it may well have led to the best possible outcome under the circumstances. The husband appears to have been content with a somewhat detached, sober relationship, while the wife yearned for a more challenging, confrontive one. They each got their preferences. She seems to continue to want to make the ex- over a la her ideal man, but there's no impetus on his part. Sorry 'bout the cliche, but even the best therapist can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink.
I don't appreciate these very intimate venting articles that are becoming ever more popular in the NYT. If the spouse blessed the concept, fine. Otherwise, for me, it's an uncomfortable breach of an intimacy shared. If you want to write an article about the lack of communication and the value of conflict/communication, then go ahead. But why expose your spouse's personal life? Also, have you noticed in these genres that the author starts off with a balanced approach but by the end of the article they have found the light and the spouse is still lacking. It's unseemly. Please don't reply that the author has the right to tell her story, as we could make that argument about every intimate relationship.
74
In eighteen years of marriage, I had two short spats with my husband. I "saved" everything--for years. So did he. Then, one day, poof. We were done. Amicably. Plant died because the roots didn't go deep enough? Maybe.
30
On the other hand, coming from a household with a bullying father, caustic tongue, violent temper, who created unnecessary unhappiness in our large family, I can say that the misery that I knew as a kid was helpful later in life; I simply said to myself that I would do all in my powers to have a happy family someday and it would not resemble the one that I grew up in...
So happily married for 42 years when people ask us what the key has been this long, loving relationship, I am tempted to hit the cliches; talking things out, sharing the big decisions, respecting the other's feelings and being sure to be romantic (did this author for instance, ever walk into the room, unexpected and dressed in a negligee? Her husband ever arrange for a night out at a local inn without the kids?) But my answer without too many details? We had a four year on and off relationship before we got married. We often disappointed each other during this period, to the point of being hurtful. So, it seems to us that we had our arguments before we were married and when we finally got onto the same page, we tied the proverbial knot and have been happy as partners together since, through thick and thin... Like all anecdotes, maybe my marital one is just a case of luck or karma.
Everyone is different; we have two friends who met for the first time and talked for 36 hours and then got married that next day and they are also still together. Go figure. Wait, that is what we are doing here! Good luck...
So happily married for 42 years when people ask us what the key has been this long, loving relationship, I am tempted to hit the cliches; talking things out, sharing the big decisions, respecting the other's feelings and being sure to be romantic (did this author for instance, ever walk into the room, unexpected and dressed in a negligee? Her husband ever arrange for a night out at a local inn without the kids?) But my answer without too many details? We had a four year on and off relationship before we got married. We often disappointed each other during this period, to the point of being hurtful. So, it seems to us that we had our arguments before we were married and when we finally got onto the same page, we tied the proverbial knot and have been happy as partners together since, through thick and thin... Like all anecdotes, maybe my marital one is just a case of luck or karma.
Everyone is different; we have two friends who met for the first time and talked for 36 hours and then got married that next day and they are also still together. Go figure. Wait, that is what we are doing here! Good luck...
31
Oh for heaven sakes, you think this feeling, intelligent writer is too stupid to have not exhausted the negligee and weekend without the kids cliches? Did you notice that she wrote about a painful subject with grace, while avoiding all the usual ones? No. I guess not.
5
Sure, judging from what little we know, which is simply what she has told us, I would be curious to hear what they (they is the operative word, not her or she) did try to do to connect as passionate partners... Discussing having sex is not the same... she does not talk about passion. It is all her private business of course except that she has decided to trade on her story for a story.
When I was elected to a school board many years ago I went to a state sponsored orientation meeting. The person running it said prepare yourselves; everyone that ever attended a school is an expert in education. That proved true.
With this subject of couples and relations, all adults are also experts. We don't collate the many experiences of all adults, we just go by our own life experiences. This article gives everyone an opportunity to air their opinions. I think it is best to air your own, rather than get caught up in what someone else writes. Because it is really isn't a conversation, just a comment section. I don't assume being an intelligent writer means anything other than being to write well about the things that ultimately you choose to write about... and edit out the rest.
When I was elected to a school board many years ago I went to a state sponsored orientation meeting. The person running it said prepare yourselves; everyone that ever attended a school is an expert in education. That proved true.
With this subject of couples and relations, all adults are also experts. We don't collate the many experiences of all adults, we just go by our own life experiences. This article gives everyone an opportunity to air their opinions. I think it is best to air your own, rather than get caught up in what someone else writes. Because it is really isn't a conversation, just a comment section. I don't assume being an intelligent writer means anything other than being to write well about the things that ultimately you choose to write about... and edit out the rest.
5
This article makes me ineffably sad, that there were such unbreachable walls between two people who had children together. When I was young I thought, surely having children together makes you both visible to each other in a way nothing else could. I was wrong. It is at once supremely simple to love someone through life, and incredibly difficult, as with this couple. I wonder how something as simple as sitting on a couch beside your beloved partner can become something to avoid at all costs. It is so painful to look at that gulf between them.
29
The author wishes her marriage had included more raised voices. But expressing one's feelings and fighting angrily are not really the same thing. You can express feelings and work through problems without yelling or fighting. You can fight to hurt each other without resolving any problems. I know this from experience.
133
Some like drama, "passion", manifestation of animalistic urges.
1
Some people just love to argue, others don't... but in a marriage there is a need to share one's feelings and thoughts, otherwise the couple will just drift apart...
there will always be differences between two people... they need to learn to live with those differences and they need to learn to forgive. The bedroom must never be a place for arguments, and there must be no arguments after sundown! Ephesians 4 n 5; James 3.
there will always be differences between two people... they need to learn to live with those differences and they need to learn to forgive. The bedroom must never be a place for arguments, and there must be no arguments after sundown! Ephesians 4 n 5; James 3.
2
I think there is a (pseudo) religious component here, something behind the years of silence, an ascetic ideal. I advise that both parties read some Nietzsche. The ex-husband is probably in danger of several outcomes, all of which can be allegorized by his soul's suicide.
The impulse towards monkish equanimity is so prevalent that it could be THE symptom of our age: sit there and breathe, be yogic, turn the other cheek, suffer. There is a short cut towards opening a mind shut by asceticism, watch Fellini's "Juliet of the Spirits" a film that tells of an ascetic betrayed woman's journey into recovery via her imagination. Also the tale of a failed marriage.
The impulse towards monkish equanimity is so prevalent that it could be THE symptom of our age: sit there and breathe, be yogic, turn the other cheek, suffer. There is a short cut towards opening a mind shut by asceticism, watch Fellini's "Juliet of the Spirits" a film that tells of an ascetic betrayed woman's journey into recovery via her imagination. Also the tale of a failed marriage.
3
I, too, have been "reasonable", drama-free, a non-yeller in a relationship. I grew up with an undiagnosed, bi-polar mother, so anger and fighting were not something I ever wanted in a relationship. "I'm not a yeller", I'd proudly say. I've learned the hard way that in doing so, I gave up what I really wanted: intimacy. For the opposite of love is not hate or rancor it's indifference.
22
my wife and i fought -- a lot -- during the first several years of our marriage. we're still together in a much more harmonious ans sturdy relationship. so i understand rather well the dynamic of intimate conflict.
nevertheless, unless we take it as confessional, this article commits the common fault of taking one's personal journey as instructive to others. this is basically a religious view of life: there's an affirmed, validated, effective moral and behavioral center, and we all flutter around it in attempts to reach peace and fulfillment.
if you put this article against the recent NY Times article that says most success is luck -- "if you're successful then you've won the lottery" -- then the idea of a single "right" way becomes less defensible. instead, we all have what i call a karmic path, and the episodes, solutions and outcomes of that path are something we just have to live. we can't finesse it with good advice.
we tend to wrap our own illusions and pains into our interpretation of the karmic path of others. that's the double fallacy of trying to judge another's path, and not paying attention to our own.
i say "karmic path" not in any religious sense, but in acknowledgement of the fact that some people seem preternaturally wise or stupid, lucky or unlucky, dynamic or stuck in the same rut ... and why that is true for them and not for us is a simple mystery.
nevertheless, unless we take it as confessional, this article commits the common fault of taking one's personal journey as instructive to others. this is basically a religious view of life: there's an affirmed, validated, effective moral and behavioral center, and we all flutter around it in attempts to reach peace and fulfillment.
if you put this article against the recent NY Times article that says most success is luck -- "if you're successful then you've won the lottery" -- then the idea of a single "right" way becomes less defensible. instead, we all have what i call a karmic path, and the episodes, solutions and outcomes of that path are something we just have to live. we can't finesse it with good advice.
we tend to wrap our own illusions and pains into our interpretation of the karmic path of others. that's the double fallacy of trying to judge another's path, and not paying attention to our own.
i say "karmic path" not in any religious sense, but in acknowledgement of the fact that some people seem preternaturally wise or stupid, lucky or unlucky, dynamic or stuck in the same rut ... and why that is true for them and not for us is a simple mystery.
14
I think a quiet relationship is much preferred to one that is loud and boisterous. I get so tired of listening to people talking, and of being expected to talk. Always having to explain how I feel, or what I want, when I often don't know myself is exhausting. So many people talk so much, and yet say nothing.
30
I read almost every sentence out loud to my husband, sometimes repeating the sentence twice. Beautifully written, deeply insightful.
4
I was in a high drama relationship for 12 years, when I finally got out, I said to myself, in the next relationship I will come in with no demands, and no expectations. It worked well for a while but as time went by things started slipping. My new girlfriend would get angry if I brought up even the slightest concern about her. So I let everything go for a long time. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and we had 2 big arguments within a few days wherein I told her what I want, and made it semi-clear to her that I didn't need to be there. Since then things between us have been much better. We had gone to counseling at one point and the counselor told us our problem was that we didn't fight enough. Looks like she might have been right.
5
I think some other commenters are right, that these two people were fundamentally incompatible. I think the husband may just be an extreme introvert. My DH and I are both introverts and we understand that in each other. Last Friday I came home from work, my husband took one look at my face, and he fixed my dinner and took it out into the lanai where I could eat it in complete solitude. After a while I was able to sit with him on the couch, we talked, and then we watched a movie together. Frequently we'll be in two different rooms, both reading or surfing the net, both happy. When we do things together we may talk - and we talk about all kinds of things - or we may be happily silent.
I missed the children's ages, but apparently they are young. Are they small enough that their dad has to hold and touch them a lot? If so, he may be doing what he has to there, and physical contact beyond that is too much right now - he is at capacity. I remember very much feeling that way when my daughter was little. It got better as she got older and didn't need to be on my lap or hanging around my neck all the time.
I missed the children's ages, but apparently they are young. Are they small enough that their dad has to hold and touch them a lot? If so, he may be doing what he has to there, and physical contact beyond that is too much right now - he is at capacity. I remember very much feeling that way when my daughter was little. It got better as she got older and didn't need to be on my lap or hanging around my neck all the time.
19
I think quiet people are capable of communication, especially written communication, but the author and the ex clearly didn't think to try hard enough. They were selfish enough to seek divorce but too lazy to actually split. I feel like they didn't really love one another at the beginning if they didn't even set clear expectations for their marriage. They obviously didn't care about their relationship enough to get out of their comfort zones and fix things, so they went for the easy way out: divorce.
4
What makes you think that divorce is an "easy" way out? Why is it "selfish" to allow yourself and someone you care for the freedom to find the life you both really want, rather than struggling in a relationship that leaves you both unhappy and unfulfilled? Not everything can be "fixed".
14
My humble opinion is that there marriage was good, but that the things they did together were boring. Had they done something exciting together that may have had a touch of danger in it, they may well have enjoyed those quite times they had together.
8
Over the two decades of an otherwise stultifying domestic existence, perhaps she substituted her literary life for a real emotional life, and was happy to have had a live-in housekeeper/nanny rather than a spouse. Ms. Pritchett is a prolific author, as shown by her offerings on Amazon. In her book "Hell's Bottom, Colorado," one of the characters, Carolyn, describes the process of how she chose her mate:
"What she tells people when she speaks of her love for him is this: That she fell in love with him because he can fix fence and because he plays the piano. That she met him in a classical music class in college, that he tilts his head toward particular pieces of music, even if he's in a restaurant, even if he's in the old truck - that he does this and still knows how to break a horse, snap a chicken's neck, fix a fence. That when his hands rest on the piano keyboard, they are scraped, callused, dirty."
Not much emotional bonding in that description, but it sounds familiar, judging from her essay.
"What she tells people when she speaks of her love for him is this: That she fell in love with him because he can fix fence and because he plays the piano. That she met him in a classical music class in college, that he tilts his head toward particular pieces of music, even if he's in a restaurant, even if he's in the old truck - that he does this and still knows how to break a horse, snap a chicken's neck, fix a fence. That when his hands rest on the piano keyboard, they are scraped, callused, dirty."
Not much emotional bonding in that description, but it sounds familiar, judging from her essay.
17
It also sounds like it leaned heavily on Heinlein, but what the hey - steal from the best, I always say.
[I stole that]
[I stole that]
6
It is important to choose your battles wisely. Fighting is exhausting. Living with an argumentative type drains energy from everything else. I have experienced both types of relationships, and can honestly tell you I prefer a peaceful day-to-day existence (well, 95% of the time!) Fighting definitely has its place, just make sure it is about something significant.
21
Help us define significant in this context.
1
With a "conversation of substance" lacking in her ex, Laura found attractive the constant banter and chatter of a new love. Where could these two now find a couch together for cuddling if Laura and her ex are continuing to have the appearance of being a couple, moving between residences for (cliche alert) "the sake of the children" ? Laura is great at rationalizing. She feels she owes it to passers by and neighbours and NYTimes readers to explain the noble new paradigm of "uncoupling". Had all the stones been upturned in the quiet marriage? Was there untested possibility on the conjugal couch? Can the power of sex which so often has thrust people into unlikely bed partnerships be applied to a sensitive marriage to reinivigorate it? All it might take is a very good imagination. If that is lacking then movies and novels come in handy.
8
Sometimes silence says more than words ever can. Perhaps life is not so much about the chains that bind, but finding the right kind of chains to enjoy.
4
I'm fascinated by all the comments that suggest this relationship is a failure. Yes, the legal marriage ended. As the author notes, it ran its course. She learned more about herself, changed perhaps, got clarity, found a partner who is giving her what she needs now. But as friends and co-parents, they are not a failure: they are demonstrating what it means to go forward together and apart, showing their children a beautiful example of love and ommitment . This story is a beautiful testament to the complexity of life, partnerships, and marriage. Thank you for the honesty and willingness to shine a light on your reality.
230
Thank you for this. I don't see our marriage (either the marriage part or the divorce) as a failure--but rather, as you say, a testament to the complexity of life, partnerships, and marriage. We both learned a great deal, we are both involved and caring parents, and I think we'll always remain good friends. I appreciate this comment.
14
This. It parallels my own.
I do believe I was what she needed at the time. But it still makes me sad.
She was on anti depressants and had been seeing a counsellor for months before I knew anything. But she waited until it was intolerable for her to act on it.
I do carry that guilt.
I do believe I was what she needed at the time. But it still makes me sad.
She was on anti depressants and had been seeing a counsellor for months before I knew anything. But she waited until it was intolerable for her to act on it.
I do carry that guilt.
5
Ultimately we cannot wish the care and concern into our lives that we sometimes need and crave - and keep waiting for. The years go by far too quickly.
Your column was important and thoughtful as was your above reply.
I appreciate anyone who has the ability to write one of these columns, express themselves fully, and remind the rest of us what it is to be human - what do we do when something is not the way we had hoped or envisioned but must experience it anyway (for whatever the reasons) and figure a way to deal with it / understand it?
My thoughts are with you.
Your column was important and thoughtful as was your above reply.
I appreciate anyone who has the ability to write one of these columns, express themselves fully, and remind the rest of us what it is to be human - what do we do when something is not the way we had hoped or envisioned but must experience it anyway (for whatever the reasons) and figure a way to deal with it / understand it?
My thoughts are with you.
3
This piece is a perfect example of the contrast between what is and what it seems to be. I'm not always elated by the loud yelling at each other my husband and I engage in from time to time, but I gather, as another comment to this article has affirmed, it's what makes our 11-year marriage "work." Our son (his son, for that matter) says he does not understand how I can stand it, but "it must be love," he said. It is.
4
Passion is a good thing in relationships period. All quiet on the Western Front may work if a marriage is between a couple of Buddhists on a mountain in Tibet but real life come with curve balls and sparks disagreements and differences in styles. Opposites attract is not just a saying. Fighting for fighting sake is nonsense but true passion will bring some heat to more than just the sex. Fight on is the USC motto and a good one just fight passionately but fairly and without ugly anger.
1
I have been in long relationships with men who did not like the proximity of bodies, and did not like to talk to me, and basically wanted to be alone, but with somebody to take care of their basic needs. Those men are not good husband material. It's surprisingly common for men--even "nice" men--to dislike the kind of closeness that is real marriage or intimacy. It's partly how some men are socialized: the strong silent stuff. The Lone Wolf stuff. It's not just for cowboys. It's also for intellectuals, scholarly professors, and lawyers. I'm glad you got away, sort of.
19
A few years ago a couple that were friends of ours divorced. When I first learned of it I was so shocked and upset that I called my wife to tell her, and then asked "Are we OK?" My wife assured me she was happy in our marriage and then said "There needs to be at least one person in a relationship that will raise their voice and say 'This is not OK' when conflict or complacency arises." I'm the more quiet of the two of us, which is why she's been a great partner for me as we approach 30 years of marriage. This is an article a lot of couples should read.
5
Woah! What a split, after 20 years, when passion has withered, where friendship remains, or at least peaceful companionship, knowing that wishing the 'best' (however one defines it) to each other is reciprocal. And yet, life goes on, and individual needs rooted in a 'routine' won't cut it anymore. There is a profusion of 'how to' books out there, telling us that, if we only have the will and courage to change, to accommodate, to grow, we could alight the flames of passion and make again desirable the 'cuddling' and 'love moves' our imagination no doubt harbors when we are not paying attention, thoughts that surprise us, or when rational thinking is tossed aside, to let our feelings, our emotions, free reign. Each marriage is a whole world out there, and I defy anybody to try to homogenize it, and find easy solutions to a human puzzle, a mystery in disguise. . If you are happy to find a salomonic truce, and able to find what's best for your soul, who are we to question its motives? Life is short, and is not a rehearsal, so be brave and seize the moment, as tomorrow may never come.
2
Another commenter, Patrick, wrote, "The 'no drama' concept is very popular with our current culture of dating while avoiding pain and conflict."
I think the "no drama" concept is very popular across all aspects of our culture, except (perhaps) politics. Fear of confrontation (cowardice?) is the welcome norm, and the fraud that accompanies the fear is suffocating. Any kind of confrontation is now viewed as "violence", and the perpetrators are suppressed with grand self-righteousness that nauseates.
"This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper."
I think the "no drama" concept is very popular across all aspects of our culture, except (perhaps) politics. Fear of confrontation (cowardice?) is the welcome norm, and the fraud that accompanies the fear is suffocating. Any kind of confrontation is now viewed as "violence", and the perpetrators are suppressed with grand self-righteousness that nauseates.
"This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper."
3
I'm grateful that thoughtful people write columns (and comments) so that I may learn from experiences not my own.
And, I wish both former-spouses well. They appear to conduct their evolving relationship with goodwill and love.
Frankly, I assume all relationships are in some ways problematic (even the relationship we each have with the varied "selves" within our own "self").
That said, there are many ways to deal with interpersonal problems. I, a hotter, more emotional person usually prefer my spouse's cooler, more intellectual approach to communication. My spouse prefers mine. Both of us strive to appreciate the other's approach and to learn from a mode of expression not "natural" to our own selves.
And we strive to express our appreciation in words and through deeds. The effort is worth the reward, even when it does not manifest itself immediately.
And, I wish both former-spouses well. They appear to conduct their evolving relationship with goodwill and love.
Frankly, I assume all relationships are in some ways problematic (even the relationship we each have with the varied "selves" within our own "self").
That said, there are many ways to deal with interpersonal problems. I, a hotter, more emotional person usually prefer my spouse's cooler, more intellectual approach to communication. My spouse prefers mine. Both of us strive to appreciate the other's approach and to learn from a mode of expression not "natural" to our own selves.
And we strive to express our appreciation in words and through deeds. The effort is worth the reward, even when it does not manifest itself immediately.
4
I hope you'll find true happiness.
The ingredients are still there - community, beautiful children, splendorous backdrops of nature. As humans, happiness, and love is among the strongest emotions of them, needs to be shared, released, exchanged, inhaled and exhaled, in daily doses, biannually (birthdays, vacations), and annually (anniversary) booster shots.
Two things that I have learned so dearly and also had also been personally costly to my psyche - sadness always comes after true happiness (the realization of what you are truly missing, the painful truth, and also what could have been much more), and true love always hurts - when that person is not there physically (i.e. sexually, intimacy), and as in your case, emotionally. At 50 nowadays, our hearts are still young, as middle life is a second coming of puberty and adolescence, for life still has another 30-40 years to go in the tank.
Sometimes I observe couples who have been married for 50-60 plus years. They'd often laugh about it - full of pride but also are surprised by it, and longevity has to do a lot with it - as if it were an added blessing, the road that are meant to be. They are mostly from the war generations. Now it's reverse, and happiness is how you'll define it, and you should, and share it, much less how life's other ravages will dictate your final destiny, like war, famine, and poverty.
Sadness and the pain are also normal, and they will pass... there is no other exit, and is the same for most.
The ingredients are still there - community, beautiful children, splendorous backdrops of nature. As humans, happiness, and love is among the strongest emotions of them, needs to be shared, released, exchanged, inhaled and exhaled, in daily doses, biannually (birthdays, vacations), and annually (anniversary) booster shots.
Two things that I have learned so dearly and also had also been personally costly to my psyche - sadness always comes after true happiness (the realization of what you are truly missing, the painful truth, and also what could have been much more), and true love always hurts - when that person is not there physically (i.e. sexually, intimacy), and as in your case, emotionally. At 50 nowadays, our hearts are still young, as middle life is a second coming of puberty and adolescence, for life still has another 30-40 years to go in the tank.
Sometimes I observe couples who have been married for 50-60 plus years. They'd often laugh about it - full of pride but also are surprised by it, and longevity has to do a lot with it - as if it were an added blessing, the road that are meant to be. They are mostly from the war generations. Now it's reverse, and happiness is how you'll define it, and you should, and share it, much less how life's other ravages will dictate your final destiny, like war, famine, and poverty.
Sadness and the pain are also normal, and they will pass... there is no other exit, and is the same for most.
3
I am 45 years at the other side of the kind of marriage you describe. We were great friends, but I left because the touching, snuggling and emotional/intellectual passion that I craved was not what he himself wanted or could provide to me. This distance was not unnoticed by our children as they grew up, which made me sad, but I always emphasized that he loved them in his own way.
My former husband has not changed much, but we both moved on to happy lives. Over the years, we have celebrated holidays and family occasions together, along with his second wife and their children and grandchildren. He is a more loving grandfather than he was husband or father; last week, we sat side-by-side in the stadium at our oldest grandson's college graduation.
All of which is to say, stop blaming the state of your marriage, and its demise, on cowardice or anything else. Forgive yourself, and him, for your differences. Celebrate your children, who have two parents that are good people. And treasure a friendship that can remain precious well into your old age!
My former husband has not changed much, but we both moved on to happy lives. Over the years, we have celebrated holidays and family occasions together, along with his second wife and their children and grandchildren. He is a more loving grandfather than he was husband or father; last week, we sat side-by-side in the stadium at our oldest grandson's college graduation.
All of which is to say, stop blaming the state of your marriage, and its demise, on cowardice or anything else. Forgive yourself, and him, for your differences. Celebrate your children, who have two parents that are good people. And treasure a friendship that can remain precious well into your old age!
26
What a wonderful piece. It's so hard to find honest and mature discussion about marriages that are after the "happily ever after."
My philosophy about life is that we simply vacillate between one over-reaction after another. We can't help it--it's an essential element of the human condition. It's heartbreaking to think what your and your husband's childhood must have been like for you two to choose 20 years of peaceful--if passionless and silent--marriage. The trauma of a marriage filled with abuse and open conflict is a caustic gift that unfortunately keeps on giving. My only worry is that the outstanding attribute of your new boyfriend is not simply that he talks all the time. Hopefully, we can all settle on something of a happy medium where our partners are not cold, stony mutes nor unstoppable chatterboxes that'll drive us mad but in a different way. I decided to marry my wife when she shared that she never heard her parents raise their voices at each other. Laura, I'm sure you can imagine what my marriage is like. ;)
My philosophy about life is that we simply vacillate between one over-reaction after another. We can't help it--it's an essential element of the human condition. It's heartbreaking to think what your and your husband's childhood must have been like for you two to choose 20 years of peaceful--if passionless and silent--marriage. The trauma of a marriage filled with abuse and open conflict is a caustic gift that unfortunately keeps on giving. My only worry is that the outstanding attribute of your new boyfriend is not simply that he talks all the time. Hopefully, we can all settle on something of a happy medium where our partners are not cold, stony mutes nor unstoppable chatterboxes that'll drive us mad but in a different way. I decided to marry my wife when she shared that she never heard her parents raise their voices at each other. Laura, I'm sure you can imagine what my marriage is like. ;)
1
In a similar situation many years ago, I looked at my life and relationship. And I made a decision. I decided to stay for the sake of our family and children. Today I have three healthy well-adjusted young adults who have not had any problems with drugs, alcohol or behavioral issues while a significant number of children of my friends who divorced are still searching, experimenting with drugs and alternative lifestyles, and estranged from their parents. Meanwhile my life lacks the passion of yours, I am content and look forward to being surrounded by children and grandchildren in my later years. Try doing that with stepparents.
27
Everyone is an individual. I'm happy that this worked for you; but you are not everyone. There are many kids who have problems with drugs whose parents stay married. One of the Columbine killers not only had parents who were married, but one of the parents was even a 'stay-at-home' parent. There are NEVER simple solutions for difficult problems. In my case, my husband and I are divorcing, and have two kids who are doing very. They are young adults. We live 5 minutes away from each, are friends, communicate often. The kids live with him. I also know plenty of people with stepparents who have great marriages. One size does not fit all.
6
I have such mixed feelings about this article and this relationship.
We boomers expect it all. We expect a marriage to be an eternal friendship, a passionate affair that never ends, and an amicable partnership. We too easily end marriages that don't meet all these unrealistic criteria. And, in most cases, at least one half of that marriage grieves the loss immeasurably.
And that's because a spouse becomes family after a time. It's no longer just about the two of you. It's about family and trust and security.
Fine. If the relationship is abusive and stifles the growth of one of the partners, then it should be dissolved. But in my estimation, this article and the description of this marriage just reinforces the easy way out. And that's out rather than in. More is lost than gained.
We boomers expect it all. We expect a marriage to be an eternal friendship, a passionate affair that never ends, and an amicable partnership. We too easily end marriages that don't meet all these unrealistic criteria. And, in most cases, at least one half of that marriage grieves the loss immeasurably.
And that's because a spouse becomes family after a time. It's no longer just about the two of you. It's about family and trust and security.
Fine. If the relationship is abusive and stifles the growth of one of the partners, then it should be dissolved. But in my estimation, this article and the description of this marriage just reinforces the easy way out. And that's out rather than in. More is lost than gained.
26
The author seems to have misidentified the problem. Some successful marriages are quiet, some aren't. But a marriage lacking in closeness and intimacy is just a marriage of convenience, not that there's anything inherently wrong with that.
In an increasingly loud and aggressive culture, this promotion of "sound and fury" as evidence of a good relationship is disheartening.
In an increasingly loud and aggressive culture, this promotion of "sound and fury" as evidence of a good relationship is disheartening.
16
In response to "straight knowledge" who pointed out that the couple didn't "do the work" required for a happy marriage-
My guess is that they didn't know how. Establishing intimacy is a very complicated process. Finding a comfort zone of closeness and distance is a tricky balancing act, especially since spouses can differ greatly in which they want the most. Also, coming from high conflict families they had not witnessed or experienced it a healthy way for couples to interact.
From what the article said, it seemed they worked hard at having a peaceful and stable household (so better than their parents did.) We know the author wanted more intimacy but we don't know what her husband wished for. I am glad that she now has both a caring relationship with her ex and more connection in her life with in her new relationship.
My guess is that they didn't know how. Establishing intimacy is a very complicated process. Finding a comfort zone of closeness and distance is a tricky balancing act, especially since spouses can differ greatly in which they want the most. Also, coming from high conflict families they had not witnessed or experienced it a healthy way for couples to interact.
From what the article said, it seemed they worked hard at having a peaceful and stable household (so better than their parents did.) We know the author wanted more intimacy but we don't know what her husband wished for. I am glad that she now has both a caring relationship with her ex and more connection in her life with in her new relationship.
11
I often tell people it's a mistake to assume the avoidance of directly confronting an issue means it goes untouched. It still plays out, but it gets played out indirectly, passively, and through withdrawal. The more active partner, the one who has the affair or the one who becomes more and more invested in work, is also the one who gets most of the blame for abandonment. But the passive partner, the one who withdrew from intimacy and connection, was just as much at fault. Making oneself absent from the relationship through avoidance and withdrawal is also a choice and a direction. Those who take this road may feel they are less to blame, because they didn't "do" anything wrong, but in fact the passivity was as much an ingredient to the demise of the relationship as any active pursuit of escape was.
38
If someone has an affair it is no ones fault but their own.
One could also say "If one withdraws from intimacy in a relationship and loses a partner as a result of it, it is no one's fault but their own". In each case, the fault-finding would be overly simplistic and would fail to recognize that affairs, withdrawal, over work, lack of conversation, can all arise from the mutual dissolution of the relationship over time, according to different methods. Demonizing affairs over the other methods is just Bible school nonsense. The resulting loss of the relationship via rejection is still the same regardless of the method chosen. The pain of having a partner have an affair is not necessarily greater than the pain of having a partner withdraw all intimacy without having one, though one painful experience may be acute and the other long and arduous.
5
Expressing anger is no more a cure for a bad relationship than is repressing anger. Relationships need good, honest, constructive and frequent communication to work. When there is an expression of anger it should be rational and curable, and there is often a better way than yelling, screaming and breaking things, not to mention hurling deliberately hurtful words at each other, to solve whatever issue has caused the fight. Having worked with abused women, I have little regard for out-and-out fighting. It rarely solves anything and just leaves people feeling bruised, sad and even angrier.
88
I have also worked with abused women. You are defining 'all' anger as bad, which is too broad. For example, getting frustrated with someone who repeatedly does something you can't stand, and having told them this, sometimes one's reaction is anger, and it 'gets out' that person's frustrations. I am not talking about repeatedly screaming at someone, or physical abuse. We are all human, and you can't expect us to always react with 'logical, practical, non-emotional talk'
1
This shows how you've experienced anger. Anger, in measure, does not have to be cured. The aspects you describe are abusive. Anger, in and of itself, is not abusive. It defines boundaries...I.e., I don't like this behavior, action, occurrence...the inability to express safely creates suffocation, entrapment, stifling. Use that energy to create new, healthier relationships. Or start a new business. Or both 0:-)a
BKB, I think you misunderstood her meaning. She did not advocate for "yelling, screaming and breaking things," as you say. She was speaking of open communication about one's needs, wants, desires, hurts, frustrations, etc. w/o fear. No one is suggesting destructive approaches or emotions here.
1
This is fascinating; I grew up in a family of four siblings, and the oldest had mental illness which included bouts of psychotic violence. I realized over time that my siblings grew up feeling that expressing anger, having conflict, meant you were bad. To be good, you didn't argue. You didn't get angry or raise your voice. That was beneath good people. Only bad, lesser people lost their temper, yelled, or got out of control.
But I have strong emotions, good and bad, and am naturally outspoken. I've always felt that being honest, being able to have a healthy argument, was at the foundation of any meaningful relationship. Avoiding conflict and arguments always seemed to me an indication that there was no there there-- no real connection, so nothing strong enough to withstand difficulty.
I love that Shakespeare quote. We need to express what's in our hearts, we must, to truly understand each other. And we need to let the people know that they can do so, that we can handle their truths, even if they express something difficult.
But I have strong emotions, good and bad, and am naturally outspoken. I've always felt that being honest, being able to have a healthy argument, was at the foundation of any meaningful relationship. Avoiding conflict and arguments always seemed to me an indication that there was no there there-- no real connection, so nothing strong enough to withstand difficulty.
I love that Shakespeare quote. We need to express what's in our hearts, we must, to truly understand each other. And we need to let the people know that they can do so, that we can handle their truths, even if they express something difficult.
39
I am so grateful that someone wrote about this, the big old silent elephant in a roomful of unexpressed anger and pain.
I don't know how it started but when my older child entered college, her father took it hard, once commenting that he had lost his relationship with his daughter. I thought, do I have a relationship with *you* ? If it is lost, what to do? By that time, it already seemed like a fait accompli.
Both of us, raised in conformist Irish Catholic families; no one ever spoke out of turn, any disturbing emotons were checked at he door. Thank God for several close friends during high school; they provided understanding and compassion; they saved me from believing that I was the problem.
So, no angry words, no mention of love or commitment. He walked away from my attempts to get him to talk. He said "I want you to be happy and me to be happy."
As they say, it "worked"for him. remarried, surrogate father to the spouse's children.
my children are expected to attend events with the step family. One of my kids describes this as being taken hostage, that will never end.
Forgive my verbosity, dear readers. My takeaway is that divorce is one of the most painful realities. It never goes away, for all involved. There is no blame. But sadness, enough to take down an elephant.
I don't know how it started but when my older child entered college, her father took it hard, once commenting that he had lost his relationship with his daughter. I thought, do I have a relationship with *you* ? If it is lost, what to do? By that time, it already seemed like a fait accompli.
Both of us, raised in conformist Irish Catholic families; no one ever spoke out of turn, any disturbing emotons were checked at he door. Thank God for several close friends during high school; they provided understanding and compassion; they saved me from believing that I was the problem.
So, no angry words, no mention of love or commitment. He walked away from my attempts to get him to talk. He said "I want you to be happy and me to be happy."
As they say, it "worked"for him. remarried, surrogate father to the spouse's children.
my children are expected to attend events with the step family. One of my kids describes this as being taken hostage, that will never end.
Forgive my verbosity, dear readers. My takeaway is that divorce is one of the most painful realities. It never goes away, for all involved. There is no blame. But sadness, enough to take down an elephant.
16
If this is all true, the publication will feel like a thunderous roar to the author's x. Seems passive aggressive to me and unfair to him (and to the children). The martyr who shook it off?
21
Perhaps she told him ahead of time; they seem to talk about stuff that would include this. No reason to assume she would blindside him.
3
I grew up in Minnesota, where, I say only half jokingly, the biggest sin is to make a fuss. I saw that dynamic in a couple of the marriages in my family in my generation - one that ended, one that didn't. The failures to engage in conflict communication took a toll. But one in which the spouses were volatile and loud fared not much better. I waited until I was in my early fifties to marry, when most of the issues for drama - his and mine - had dissipated with time. So our balance is better than in those other families.
12
Happily married for 34 years. If it had been work, I would not have stuck around---we are both in high stress careers and neither one of us wanted to work all day and then work all night. I think we lucked out in that when we met we were almost perfectly attuned to each other, and as the years went on it has gotten even better. Shouting is not a healthy way to solve conflicts; eventually it erodes the relationship.
28
This is exactly my situation. 31 years of the exact situation. I actually thought it would work (long term) the day we married, knowing we were no more than friends. I guess it has, sort of. We're still sharing the same space.
16
Sounds like my marriage, too. The last time I asked my husband why he married me, he told me it was because it was "time" to get married and I was the only available female left. On my part, I was raised with the belief that nobody would ever want me, so when someone actually asked I was amazed (and knew it would be my "only" chance to get married and have kids). We're still existing in the same house. No sex, no highs, no lows. I wonder if there's something better, sometimes; but inertia seems to be working for us.
8
"Roomateness".
You're not alone.
And, I guess, neither am I.
You're not alone.
And, I guess, neither am I.
3
This is a story of a mismatched couple. I would have liked more on why they decided to marry and then to have children. Making those life changing decisions with an incompatible partner set this couple up for failure. The author rambles on about the deficiencies of her husband but forgets it was also she who said, "I do" at their wedding.
52
I married my husband right out of graduate school, before we had the experience of real life together. Yes, we were mismatched, but sometimes it doesn't show up until you are living the day to day, and the differences start adding up. We stayed married for 13 years, and our relationship was similar to the authors except that i had more fury, and he had more silence. Yes, i take responsibility for saying 'I do' but do not beat myself up over my mistake, and do not regret the experiences we had together while married. Cowardice did play a part, but I also did not have the support (despite seeing a marriage counselor) or mentor i needed to help me make the decision earlier.
7
I disagree. I think the author clearly recognizes her own faults here. Love, when it's fresh and new, leads people into marriages and children regardless of "fit." And there is clearly love there, though it appears to have settled into a rut of familiar respect and care after many years.
It happens. Love rarely welcomes analysis until one is far enough into it to dissuade such concerns.
It happens. Love rarely welcomes analysis until one is far enough into it to dissuade such concerns.
4
From what she wrote, it seems she used to be happy with the peace and quiet. But she healed from her traumatic childhood over the years and, it seems, he didnt.
1
I had a similar marriage due to childhood trauma, but we had fun and treated each other well. We just couldn't fight. We both did therapy and eventually out came the big tempestuous fights my wife longed for. I thought we would make it to the other side , but with the fights came her explosions, severe self-harm, and assaults. Which put an end to it all. Now I have an imperfect marriage with imperfect fights,but know there are worse places to be.
15
The title and tag lined drew me to the article, it sounded similar to my own relationship. So I had to see, I had to know if it was the same and if the quietness of our house was the same thing others experience. Then again I remembered that I married someone who is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict.
6
There does seem to be some correlation with one's childhood experience. My husband and I grew up in very different types of households but both with unhappy parents who frequently (verbally) slugged it out. Our style is far less confrontational. Friends whose parents slipped off to argue behind closed doors say they feel liberated by knockdown drag-out arguments. Just an observation.
6
That's how my husband and I are. We both saw way too many unnecessary and hurtful verbal arguments between our parents and we both knew we didn't want that. Married 33 years now, and we don't fight. We're not trying to control each other or one-up each other or establish whose territory is what or who's in charge. If we disagree politically, it's OK. I respect what the author says her experience was and is, but the absense of fighting and the presence of quiet serenity doesn't mean an empty marriage.
5
The "no drama" concept is very popular with our current culture of dating while avoiding pain and conflict. And certainly most of us do not seek conflict in a relationship. But this story illustrates what happens when we have toomuch of a good thing, in this case peace and tranquility. My most memorable girlfriend was a drama queen... demanding, often complaining, may times making promises she would not keep, and so on. But the good times we had were like scenes from a Hollywood romantic comedy. Drinking, dancing, laughing uncontrollably... and the sex... lots of it and always good. To have what I had with her required me to engage in many arguments I did not want to be part of. I had to witness her vanity and her duplicity. In short, the price of intense and exciting love is conflict and stress. I walked away from her after almost a year and considered myself lucky to escape. But I will never forget her and the wild ride she took me on.
38
That sounds like lust not love. It doesnt sound like you admired anything about her character.
3
This article parallels my marriage and similar reasons have contributed to our decision to eventualy go our separate ways. If both parties are not equally invested in the relationship, it makes for a lot of upheaval and distance, experienced separately with little shared. I am afraid of life on my own, but more fearful of staying in a union that satisfies neither of us. The unwillingness to fight to make life better and to be vulnerable has extinguished my interest and all my hopes lay in life lived apart. Will we stay friends? I imagine it’s more likely we will stay friendly for the sake of our kids- a goal I can embrace when all else fails.
http://curbappealinsleepyhollow.blogspot.com/
http://curbappealinsleepyhollow.blogspot.com/
9
Pritchett hit at the root of the problem succinctly:
"I sometimes wonder if our inability to strike out is heartbreakingly rooted in our love for one another. Because we did and do love each other. And we both had been so injured by our violent and loud childhoods that we found refuge and joy in the quiet.
But that kind of love often doesn’t survive life, and in the end, our silence was less about respect or affection or love than it was about cowardice."
The coupling of two conflict-averse people often results in a silent standoff. And the pattern will only be repeated in subsequent relationships unless someone pushes against it.
She is fortunate to have recognized the problem -- and that her current boyfriend wants engagement, not quiet complicity.
"I sometimes wonder if our inability to strike out is heartbreakingly rooted in our love for one another. Because we did and do love each other. And we both had been so injured by our violent and loud childhoods that we found refuge and joy in the quiet.
But that kind of love often doesn’t survive life, and in the end, our silence was less about respect or affection or love than it was about cowardice."
The coupling of two conflict-averse people often results in a silent standoff. And the pattern will only be repeated in subsequent relationships unless someone pushes against it.
She is fortunate to have recognized the problem -- and that her current boyfriend wants engagement, not quiet complicity.
28
This marriage seemed like a bad fit from the start.
But it's fascinating and heartbreaking how many adults struggle to have anything close to a healthy relationship because of the trauma they suffered as children. So another generation of kids is traumatized and either thrives on or is terrified of conflict.
But it's fascinating and heartbreaking how many adults struggle to have anything close to a healthy relationship because of the trauma they suffered as children. So another generation of kids is traumatized and either thrives on or is terrified of conflict.
16
I am led to wonder if anyone has ever defined "healthy relationship" or, for that matter, any of the cover-up phrases to mask the true situation. I am 85 years old, and things have not changed all that much, if at all.....
1
So the writer cant find the words to express out loud. Common enough among people who rely on their written words and worlds - but why not use that skill, the craft of writing to express oneself to the partner? And I dont mean a sloppy email, text or tweet, but a written piece like the good old days of letters. Oh well whats done is done.
Now the very public exposing of this inner dysfunctional world...that appears to be good for the writer, but what of the other one? Whats his take on the whole thing? We never get that in these public displays. What were his wants, what might he have wanted more of that the author wasn't providing? We'll never know.
While there's much to be said about conflict in a relationship, conflict that is honest, well directed and most importantly sane (which is not what manifests in most relationships) to put it out there that it was the main downfall of this one, and to look at conflict longingly like it would have fixed this marriage is absurd. Two people from similar pasts where "loud and violent" caused them to avoid all conflict might at first look like a refuge, but it is the big foam sports-event finger pointing to the core issue in the relationship - demanding analysis from the get-go! Which was, as stated, the obvious lack of interest in physical contact on the husbands part. Right there; the root cause. As being physical, sexual or simple nearness is about negotiating conflict - as all near contact involves a form of conflict.
Now the very public exposing of this inner dysfunctional world...that appears to be good for the writer, but what of the other one? Whats his take on the whole thing? We never get that in these public displays. What were his wants, what might he have wanted more of that the author wasn't providing? We'll never know.
While there's much to be said about conflict in a relationship, conflict that is honest, well directed and most importantly sane (which is not what manifests in most relationships) to put it out there that it was the main downfall of this one, and to look at conflict longingly like it would have fixed this marriage is absurd. Two people from similar pasts where "loud and violent" caused them to avoid all conflict might at first look like a refuge, but it is the big foam sports-event finger pointing to the core issue in the relationship - demanding analysis from the get-go! Which was, as stated, the obvious lack of interest in physical contact on the husbands part. Right there; the root cause. As being physical, sexual or simple nearness is about negotiating conflict - as all near contact involves a form of conflict.
23
A very welcome contribution. Growing up in a toxic, loud, spiteful, argument-filled home myself, I find it very difficult to express my anger within my marriage. I hear the wisdom in the author's keen attentiveness of other couples' sharp, challenging, but healthy exchanges. If only that could be me and my spouse. Perhaps we will follow the same path, albeit for different fundamental reasons. Perhaps I, too, may get a second chance to face the inner demons of argument fears, to truly feel and express my own wants and needs, and to accept challenging words in return. Thank you for printing this.
39
A marriage counselor told me that when he hears one partner say he/she didn’t know why they were coming to see him since they’d always thought the relationship was ideal, he knew the couple was in major trouble.
He explained it was because domineering types have a way of beating spouses into emotional submission by training them to expect all sorts of theatrics in retaliation to even the most trivial complaints or even suggestions about things being less than perfect.
He explained it was because domineering types have a way of beating spouses into emotional submission by training them to expect all sorts of theatrics in retaliation to even the most trivial complaints or even suggestions about things being less than perfect.
68
I'm sure that happens a lot, but I'm also sure that it happens that the oblivious spouse isn't domineering, just oblivious. My husband has a term for people who blatantly disregard posted rules like not walking on the grass: "They don't mean me." It's the same kind of thing. Look up "she divorced me because I left dishes by the sink". (It wasn't the dishes, it was the blithe disregarding of expressed wishes when it would have cost him nothing to comply.) There was, this sadder and wiser man said, nothing his wife could have done to make him understand she wasn't happy.
18
We never fought. I held my emotions. She held hers. I was emotionally beat up. I held my tongue. Marriage counseling. I spoke. She didn't listen. I had to change. She filed for divorce. I didn't want to. No fault. No choice. Now single and miserable.
38
The couple that fights, and listens to each other, stays together. Passion attracts and bonds. However, it's the ability on both parts to listen to the other that makes for a renewing relationship that lasts. Passion is momentarily violent repelling to come back together closer than before.
I learned this in an elemental love, but didn't listen . . . at the right time. And so--both of us passionate, confrontational people--we parted.
I learned this in an elemental love, but didn't listen . . . at the right time. And so--both of us passionate, confrontational people--we parted.
12
My ex and I also experienced marriage dissolution in a small Colorado mountain town when our boys were very young and we took the same path of radical kindness for the kids' (and our own) benefit. We were the model of the community. Only after the boys were mostly grown did we fully share our anger and resentment and I wonder if it didn't subtly come out all those years, just the same.
37
They were ALWAYS there....you masked them well and then let them loose......The children KNEW!!!
3
If they are still living under the same roof, after 3 years, they really haven't ended the marriage, it seems to me. "Conflict aversion, dignity and concern for the children" can be convenient smoke screens for the spouses inability to really separate and begin new lives. Wondering what the new boyfriend feels about this. What are the children being taught by this ambiguous relationship of their parents? Wondering when the rest of the anger will rise to consciousness..sooner or later?
83
I don't think they're still living together, they have a model where the children stay in the house and the parents switch in and out. Since they're friendly they're there together a good deal, so the children have that continuity.
My "assumption" is that they both have places of their own, although maintaining three different households would stretch most budgets. Now if the have two places and the parents switch in/out using the same second place during alternate periods I think that is a bit ambiguous and perhaps more like an open marriage where Mommy has a boyfriend who isn't Daddy.
It would be interesting to hear the husband's side of the story.
My "assumption" is that they both have places of their own, although maintaining three different households would stretch most budgets. Now if the have two places and the parents switch in/out using the same second place during alternate periods I think that is a bit ambiguous and perhaps more like an open marriage where Mommy has a boyfriend who isn't Daddy.
It would be interesting to hear the husband's side of the story.
5
According to the author, they aren't exactly living in the same place at the same time. "The children stay put in the same house, and he and I amicably rotate back and forth."
6
I guess it depends on how you define "marriage". When i read that he doesn't like to touch his wife, I cringed. My wife and I still love touching; if ever we stopped, it would certainly be a bad omen for out marriage.
This article illustrates that honest talking is important. I feel sorry for this couple and wish there were some way to bring the man out of his shell.
This article illustrates that honest talking is important. I feel sorry for this couple and wish there were some way to bring the man out of his shell.
5
I think a lot of people are missing a subtle, but very important point here. It seems that the author and her former husband both suffered traumatic childhoods and found solace in the safety and peace the relationship afforded one another at the time. For this, the author seems to hold an eternal depth of gratitude and affection for her former mate. The original terms of endearment here, however, seems to have helped one partner heal her former wounds, while her spouse was unable to move forward. As we grow older, we continue to evolve in so many ways and our needs do change. I was in a very different place when I met my spouse than I am now, as was my husband. In our case, we came from very different backgrounds and we had each been taught very different coping strategies. I was taught to yell and scream to express my needs, feel better, and then expect those outbursts to be swept under the rug. That was how my parents fought, but remained together. For my husband, whose parents got divorced, I had no idea that those outbursts left an indelible mark of hurt and uncertainty in him. Fortunately, my husband taught me how to communicate with love and respect for the other person's feelings. I truly feel for the author's husband here who may never have found a way to express himself out of fear. I hope he receives the counseling he needs so that he, too, may heal and move forward.
388
How can he move forward when she won't go away?
1
Congratulations to you and your husband. I like to hear success stories where "both" people from different backgrounds are able to leave their past styles behind and work together. Enjoy!
1
Why should she go away, and either leave her children or take them from their father? If he wants to move forward she can't stop him.
1
This story really resonated with me- my marriage counselor saw both of my children after I filed for a divorce.
One son told her we never fought, so he didn't understand why we were getting a divorce. She answered that some people fight with their silences.
One son told her we never fought, so he didn't understand why we were getting a divorce. She answered that some people fight with their silences.
40
Be careful what you wish for.
The love of my life and I, when we got into it, used to fight like cats and dogs... screaming at the top of our lungs, hang ups, call backs, hang ups, throwing clothes out the car window, slamming doors, lots of crying, intense, make up sex, flowers....the three word text months later saying...I miss u. it got to be too much. Certainly not the kind of relationship one wants to deal with day to day over, say, a lifetime.
Sometimes the idea of a person is better than the real thing. For you not only get the bread, but the crumbs.
Yet, years later, (we broke up in 2011) there's still that, "it" factor....whatever "it" is. The love we have for each other refuses to die. We still wish each other happy birthday. When we hug, we hug thigh to thigh, pelvis to pelvis, breast to breast, neck to neck. It's not a conscious effort. Rather, it's completely natural...as in I didn't realize you were going to melt into my arms like hot butter!
Stay away from me! lol!
Love is strange thing. When it's hot, its HOT!...and when its not...it's gone. Gone like yesterday. Gone like a candle, which, not matter how many times you re-light it, keeps defying you by slowly, burning, itself, out.
The love of my life and I, when we got into it, used to fight like cats and dogs... screaming at the top of our lungs, hang ups, call backs, hang ups, throwing clothes out the car window, slamming doors, lots of crying, intense, make up sex, flowers....the three word text months later saying...I miss u. it got to be too much. Certainly not the kind of relationship one wants to deal with day to day over, say, a lifetime.
Sometimes the idea of a person is better than the real thing. For you not only get the bread, but the crumbs.
Yet, years later, (we broke up in 2011) there's still that, "it" factor....whatever "it" is. The love we have for each other refuses to die. We still wish each other happy birthday. When we hug, we hug thigh to thigh, pelvis to pelvis, breast to breast, neck to neck. It's not a conscious effort. Rather, it's completely natural...as in I didn't realize you were going to melt into my arms like hot butter!
Stay away from me! lol!
Love is strange thing. When it's hot, its HOT!...and when its not...it's gone. Gone like yesterday. Gone like a candle, which, not matter how many times you re-light it, keeps defying you by slowly, burning, itself, out.
73
This is me and my ex-bf. We were together 4 yrs but half the time we were fighting. But the good times were really good that it covered up the reality that we really werent a good fit. We would have really intense fights, but minutes later while still bristling from the fight, we would have passionate sex. But in the end, all that passion and intensity took a toll on me and I had to finally let him go. I cant lie though, I think a part of me will always be in love with him. I realize now that you can still love someone while not being with them. I have no regrets. I know how it is to fall madly deeply passionately in love. Not everyone gets to experience that in their lifetime.
6
It can be hard to suffer in silence. Eventually one feels more alone together than when single. And, so, the risk of a break up outweighs the fear. Nice to read about Ms. Pritchett's courage. It's also encouraging to see that in this age of revolving dating she found someone to "blab" with ... a very hopeful ending!
97
It is NOT "hard to suffer in silence"....I have been doing it for over 60 years.....and I do not BLAB, nor complain. The choices I made in life were just that: "choices I made............"
2
My heart goes all to all married people, because it is as difficult as it is glorious, and few of us are properly prepared before embarking on the journey. However, after 35 years with my wife, I've come to believe there is no such thing as a great marriage, just a marriages that works - and it works because the couple works at it!
Marriage is never the problem; it's a beautiful institution. The problem is the people in the marriage. The couple in this article just didn't do the work - period. If you are not going to do the work, stay single.
Marriage is never the problem; it's a beautiful institution. The problem is the people in the marriage. The couple in this article just didn't do the work - period. If you are not going to do the work, stay single.
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Straight Knowledge- I agree, Marriage is not the problem. I have seen many good marriages. I have been happily married for decades. And yes, it takes work.
I disagree, however, with the your apparent generalization that when a marriage fails the "problem" is the people in the marriage and their unwillingness to do the "work."
Perhaps a more uncomfortable reality is that even hard work and perseverance can not salvage a marriage when one- or both- partners have deep seated emotional scars and/or personality traits that make a good, loving marriage untenable for them.
Maybe they can't learn to trust. Maybe they can't open their hearts to another. Maybe passion scares them. And perhaps even many years of hard work, perseverance, and more can't overcome deep-seated emotional barriers.
Some people simply aren't cut out for marriage.
I disagree, however, with the your apparent generalization that when a marriage fails the "problem" is the people in the marriage and their unwillingness to do the "work."
Perhaps a more uncomfortable reality is that even hard work and perseverance can not salvage a marriage when one- or both- partners have deep seated emotional scars and/or personality traits that make a good, loving marriage untenable for them.
Maybe they can't learn to trust. Maybe they can't open their hearts to another. Maybe passion scares them. And perhaps even many years of hard work, perseverance, and more can't overcome deep-seated emotional barriers.
Some people simply aren't cut out for marriage.
15
I've been married 14 years. We did work at it, but the love and passion keeps the boat up. Without that, it wouldn't work, and I think that's what she says is missing.
5
I believe it's kids, and lack of money, that makes many couples stay together.
5
Aspergers? Undiagnosed depression? Something else entirely? If he has always been this way, what did she see in him all those years ago? Is the voluble new boyfriend what her Real Self (see Carl Rogers) wants, or a rebound overcompensation? Seems that there's more to this account than what the author has put into words.
190
Yeah. Maybe no whole marriage can be captured in words. But the "I need more" part she expressed is just basic. If you can't ask for what you want, that little hurt is going to grow like a cancer over the years.
169
All those years ago they both wanted the quiet, having grown up in loud families of one sort or another. But she eventually wanted more out of the relationship and he didn't. It happens.
9
My first thought was also that the husband could be "on the spectrum" (mildly or moderately autistic) as they say. And as for the writer's marrying him, maybe that lack of drama was what she was looking for at the time of their wedding, but grew out of. Always more to a marriage than anyone outside it will ever see.
11
Can't we just love our spouse for who they are? Through thick and thin, good times and boring times? Doesn't that kind of loyalty and respect make us into the type of people we would hope to be?
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Yes-- but sometimes no. Sometimes people may marry because they mistake need for love. Perhaps they are desperate to leave home or feel isolated when their friends marry. Sometimes they have just emerged from a painful break-up and are on the rebound.
So they are human and make mistakes. But, cliche thst it is, life may finally seem too short to settle. Mortality looms.
My current spouse had a very civilized divorce. There was pain and regret but also children to be nurtured. There was also the realization that they once shared similar goals and passions. But eventually , in spite of extensive therapy and 2 spent trying to revive love and find ways to connect as more than lukewarm partners, they parted amicably.
Until then, they were faithful and committed. They respected each other. But the deep love was gone.
It was a mutual decision. Each has remarried. I have been with one of them for nearly 30 years. We fight, make up, share many interests, efc. Passion has never faded.
Love is a mystery.
So they are human and make mistakes. But, cliche thst it is, life may finally seem too short to settle. Mortality looms.
My current spouse had a very civilized divorce. There was pain and regret but also children to be nurtured. There was also the realization that they once shared similar goals and passions. But eventually , in spite of extensive therapy and 2 spent trying to revive love and find ways to connect as more than lukewarm partners, they parted amicably.
Until then, they were faithful and committed. They respected each other. But the deep love was gone.
It was a mutual decision. Each has remarried. I have been with one of them for nearly 30 years. We fight, make up, share many interests, efc. Passion has never faded.
Love is a mystery.
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sometimes yes, sometimes no. It can be worked on, but no one can manufacture love where it no longer exists, or perhaps never truly existed. If my husband ever stopped loving me and was simply tolerating me for the sake of doing so, I hope he would let me know and we would break up. That's not who I want to be for someone else, and that's not how I want my love to be spent. But I also don't believe in the afterlife, so...
11
As we move into our seventies I see many a spouse taking care of a spouse with a major health threat such as cancer, stroke and diabetes. At this time one remembers the good years. It is time to enter a new chapter. Our adult children benefit for many reasons. We can find from social connections and friendships those "substantial conversations" we seek. It is not an easy path to tread but it comes inevitably even if it takes five decades.
2
slow-motion cowardice.
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I once heard it said that not arguing was a sure sign of a relationship having come to an end.
While fighting isn't much fun, often it really is a sign that both parties are engaged In making things work.
While fighting isn't much fun, often it really is a sign that both parties are engaged In making things work.
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My wife and I have been together for more than 30 years, and in that time have had maybe half a dozen large arguments, and a couple of dozen small ones. We normally don't argue. Yet we feel close and connected.
However a marriage presents is between the two people involved. If both are conflict-averse, that works for them, just as if they both enjoy loud conflict, that also works.
It's only when the people involved are different in their approach to intimacy of all sorts that things start to fall apart.
I suggest Ms. Pritchett was well aware of the issue less than five years into her marriage (how could she not be?), but decided to tough it out for whatever reason until she could take no more, denying herself many years of potential happiness with her conflict avoidance.
However a marriage presents is between the two people involved. If both are conflict-averse, that works for them, just as if they both enjoy loud conflict, that also works.
It's only when the people involved are different in their approach to intimacy of all sorts that things start to fall apart.
I suggest Ms. Pritchett was well aware of the issue less than five years into her marriage (how could she not be?), but decided to tough it out for whatever reason until she could take no more, denying herself many years of potential happiness with her conflict avoidance.
8
Whoever once said that was wrong. My husband and I don't argue. Our relationship will end when one of us dies.
4
I always wonder what people mean when they say they don't argue or fight. Do they mean they never disagree about anything , that one or both remain silent about disagreement or do they simply mean that voices don't get raised? Because those are three very different relationships and the "not arguing is a sure sign that the relationship has come to an end" doesn't refer to the third one. It is entirely possible to argue without being loud or mean.
2
A very powerful ML column. Thank you.
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To me, more telling even than the silence was the lack of physical connection. Human beings need touch. Her husband's dislike of physical proximity and affection would be a deal breaker for most people. In our marriage, sex and physical affection are the oil that keeps the train moving smoothly into the future.
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Many human beings need touch. But to some people, touch is unwelcome and very negative, and they need to steel themselves to touch or be touched by another person. This is not simply a matter of character. It can go with the territory if you have been afflicted with something like obsessive compulsive disorder or Aspergers syndrome.
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Yes if he was always like that why did she marry him? Was there any chemistry?
1
He may not have always been like that. He may not be like that in future. Desire waxes and wanes.
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Silent...so what you were doing all those years was playing it safe by avoiding. Life is messy, full of challenges if you're willing to take them and the rewards are huge.
Some people believe a healthy relationship is when two people challenge each other to be the best version of themselves and a major part of that is played out with conversations. Vulnerability is key to revealing who you are, even if you risk being hurt.
David Richo, the psychologist and Buddhist developed his view of love based upon the 5 A's, which are necessary first for the love of ones self and then for the other. Attention, Appreciation, Affection, Acceptance and Allowing.
He also talks about the ineffable feeling in your gut when you are deciding to commit and sometimes it simply isn't there. In the end emotions drive the show and you need to listen to your heart and honor yourself.
Some people believe a healthy relationship is when two people challenge each other to be the best version of themselves and a major part of that is played out with conversations. Vulnerability is key to revealing who you are, even if you risk being hurt.
David Richo, the psychologist and Buddhist developed his view of love based upon the 5 A's, which are necessary first for the love of ones self and then for the other. Attention, Appreciation, Affection, Acceptance and Allowing.
He also talks about the ineffable feeling in your gut when you are deciding to commit and sometimes it simply isn't there. In the end emotions drive the show and you need to listen to your heart and honor yourself.
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I would add Authenticity to that list. Not sure if it is the foundation for, or outgrowth of, listening to your heart and honoring who you are. Great article, and so fascinating to see reactions that harshly judge those involved, by the way.
2
I'm glad it worked out. I don't see how I can do the same. I'm all about cuddles and affection while my partner is not. Well not in public. She asked for freedom. Says she experienced it as if I was somehow holding her back. But I've never held any kind of leash to her. I think her freedom is possibly, drugs and alcohol minus my disapproving looks. Coupled with new sex from a fresh partner. Hard to beat the early primal lust of a new relationship.
I'm old. Not in years, but in mind. My needs are long term and dull. Someone to share tea and news and movies, for as long as I breathe. Nowhere near the youthful rompings of hormone laced adolescents.
If it truely was a lack of sex. It's my fault for not doing more, and hers for not asking for more or me for not recognizing her subtle advances.
Say what you want or need people. Makes things easier. Might even save your relationship.
I'm old. Not in years, but in mind. My needs are long term and dull. Someone to share tea and news and movies, for as long as I breathe. Nowhere near the youthful rompings of hormone laced adolescents.
If it truely was a lack of sex. It's my fault for not doing more, and hers for not asking for more or me for not recognizing her subtle advances.
Say what you want or need people. Makes things easier. Might even save your relationship.
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I love my husband. I wish I could live with him. We've been split for three years and have just begun to make the separation permanent. We live next door to each other. We're both involved with other people. I have enormous grief and acute relief. One of our many therapists once told us that we were "experts in turmoil." I wouldn't claim this as a relational strength. Our 18-year-old son has been better off for the fact that since he was 15 he has not heard fights that begin at 11 p.m. and rage, like wildfire, through the dark nights. He recently admitted to me that the chronic insomnia that began for him at age 11 was due to the fighting his father and I always assumed he couldn't hear because it was during his bedtime. I understand the writer's desire for some friction. Arguing can generate trust: the man I've been seeing for 18 months has helped me understand how two people can argue and maintain respectful disagreement and still want to sleep skin-to-skin. But in my experience, "big damn fights" are corrosive to love.
220
There are ways to fight with boundaries.
52
Anyone who thinks their kids don't know about discord and fighting in their relationship is severely delusional. Kids always know. My brother and I sat at the top of the stairs for most of our childhood, listening to our parents screaming at each other most nights. Yeah, it was past our "bedtime" too, but we were always awake, worried that they would kill one another. Little hard to sleep. Funny, they thought they were doing the right thing by staying together. To the contrary, I breathed a huge sigh of relief when they finally split up...
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My parents have been married over 60 years, and probably 45 of those were terrible years of drinking and fighting. Now finally, the energy just to hold on exceeds their capacity to fight.
10
Nice try, Laura, but it will not hold water......I have been married - to the same woman - for over sixty years. Although I must agree that there is not much difference today than there was in the 1950s. Thank goodness. We do not even dislike each other, but dis-liking makes the differences easier to put aside and forget. And we do. After this many years, marriage has no excitement to speak of, just sort of like a brother and sister living together. Which, now I think of it, might be better. There is really no need for hostility and hate....they will come along, then fade in the normal course. Some fun! Stay unmarried, folks. It is much cheaper and private......
41
" After this many years, marriage has no excitement to speak of, just sort of like a brother and sister living together."
If I'd known 45 years ago what I know now I'd have stayed single. I gave up opportunities to please someone else and I'd like to now where they'd have taken me. Saudi Arabia The SEALs and other things would have been better.
If I'd known 45 years ago what I know now I'd have stayed single. I gave up opportunities to please someone else and I'd like to now where they'd have taken me. Saudi Arabia The SEALs and other things would have been better.
45
"Stay unmarried, folks" - yeah, no thanks, just because you're deeply disappointed with your marriage doesn't mean the rest of us are destined to be the same. Sounds like you've made your choices and lived your life - the rest of us will make our own (speaking as someone who's in a second, and very happy, marriage).
I wonder what your spouse thinks, that your advice after 60 yrs of marriage is, stay single"....if it's the same opinion as yours, why stay together? Separate and have a few years of peace before you die.
Sad....sounds like you both might have been better off divorcing some years ago, to give both of you another chance at happiness (either to be single or partnered). Miserable to be married and unhappy, also miserable to be stuck with somebody who doesn't want to be burdened with you.
I wonder what your spouse thinks, that your advice after 60 yrs of marriage is, stay single"....if it's the same opinion as yours, why stay together? Separate and have a few years of peace before you die.
Sad....sounds like you both might have been better off divorcing some years ago, to give both of you another chance at happiness (either to be single or partnered). Miserable to be married and unhappy, also miserable to be stuck with somebody who doesn't want to be burdened with you.
19
This is so well stated. I grew up in a home where I was silenced, punished with silent treatments that lasted weeks for the most minor of transgressions. As an adult I have to work so hard to have the courage to speak my mind, to take up space. I've learned though that I need that, I need to be heard to be seen. I wish you luck with your new relationship and thank you again for this beautiful piece.
160
I'm astounded that the author would write this about someone with whom she has an ongoing parental relationship. She must really, really want to start that fight, and simultaneously believe that even publishing this for all the world to see won't succeed in triggering it.
108
Maybe. But given how the author describes their relationship, it seems just as likely to me that he already knows about this article.
12
Really? I don't find anything about the article that is particularly inflammatory. It is more likely than not that she got permission from her ex husband to publish this.
102
I agree with Julia H. Not unkind and likely that she ran it by him first.
65
I waited until my kids were grown to walk away from a controlling, soul-crushing, stultifying marriage. Twenty years and several LTR's later, I doubt I will ever marry again.
My life is full and wonderful and varied. I am independent with career with work til I die, a beautiful home, travel, and freinds. I cannot stand the tedium and sameness of marriage which generally kills passion. I cannot exist without passion, and I don't want to be a nurse to an old man. So either find a cute guy twenty years younger or I just have lots of "friends" with benefits.
My life is full and wonderful and varied. I am independent with career with work til I die, a beautiful home, travel, and freinds. I cannot stand the tedium and sameness of marriage which generally kills passion. I cannot exist without passion, and I don't want to be a nurse to an old man. So either find a cute guy twenty years younger or I just have lots of "friends" with benefits.
81
where is the passion in "friends with benefits?"
5
Sounds pretty empty, actually. Just living for selfishness is not the way to fulfillment.
6
You never know who will need the nurse, i have seen it work both ways.
6
Wow.
Just Wow.
While I attempt to understand your path, I have an underlying sense of incredible respect for both you and your former spouse. It is almost beyond belief that two people can love each other enough to know when things are done; and do so in a manner that actually is befitting an adult.
My mom's on her seventh marriage. In my family, as a youth, I lived through 5 divorces and one suicide (that was a direct result of the inability of the 'adults' to acknowledge the needs and views of the other person).
While I truly hope to stay married to my wife for the rest of my days, I love that you can show others a path that is not what we've grown to expect when people decide to move forward as individuals.
Just Wow.
While I attempt to understand your path, I have an underlying sense of incredible respect for both you and your former spouse. It is almost beyond belief that two people can love each other enough to know when things are done; and do so in a manner that actually is befitting an adult.
My mom's on her seventh marriage. In my family, as a youth, I lived through 5 divorces and one suicide (that was a direct result of the inability of the 'adults' to acknowledge the needs and views of the other person).
While I truly hope to stay married to my wife for the rest of my days, I love that you can show others a path that is not what we've grown to expect when people decide to move forward as individuals.
114
In so many cases, it's easier, and maybe less visibly painful, to maintain the status quo in a relationship. There are kids, there are financial issues, where am I going to live, will I hurt him/her, do I want to be alone, will I meet anyone else, who will take care of me...and a host of other reasons why couples stay together.
Ms. Pritchett's story is simple, yet powerful. THIS is what happens when a partner can no longer stay silent. This is the point at which, yes, it quietly explodes.
Relationships take work, even the good ones (where the work doesn't even seem like work). When one partner is not able or willing to share in the work, to fight for the relationship, it is over. I am glad to know that these two former partners can see past the end of the marriage and move forward kindly, and even more glad to see that Ms. Pritchett finally has the sort of relationship that fulfills the needs she'd tamped down all those years.
Ms. Pritchett's story is simple, yet powerful. THIS is what happens when a partner can no longer stay silent. This is the point at which, yes, it quietly explodes.
Relationships take work, even the good ones (where the work doesn't even seem like work). When one partner is not able or willing to share in the work, to fight for the relationship, it is over. I am glad to know that these two former partners can see past the end of the marriage and move forward kindly, and even more glad to see that Ms. Pritchett finally has the sort of relationship that fulfills the needs she'd tamped down all those years.
304
But did you notice that she wrote 'current boyfriend'? The problem is that once a person has decided to find the perfect mate, one finds that there is no such thing except 'the next one'. I believe that we need to redefine what a relationship should be; it may not last very long; it may not be easy; but each one fulfills us and teaches us a little more about ourselves. Eventually, however, it all becomes lonely and repetitive. When you finally find someone who actually likes you in all of your imperfections, and you the other, settle down and find the right daily life that gives you more pleasure than living alone until the next person drifts into your llife.
2
I relate. This is my issue. Cowardice because of too much childhood trauma. Sad.
154
I had that issue too weekapauger, although given our traumatic backgrounds I would no longer call it cowardice so much as an understandable love of peace. But yes, even so it doesn't serve us well. Take heart that there is a way through it. For me, counselling training and the compulsory individual and group therapy that goes with that, were the things that changed everything. Over two years, I got to practice the most painful and difficult thing: speaking my mind, and dealing with the occasional verbal attacks that came my way as a result. It's possible, though, only temporarily painful, and it was so worthwhile. It feels like a whole new world has opened up to me, and it's a much safer and happier one because I don't have to hide from anything anymore. I hope you find your way through, too. All best wishes.
62
This is it exactly. Cowardice that results in the inability to communicate when there are issues that need to be discussed. And a fear of any kind of conflict or confrontation.
Not fighting, but just communicating about things that need to be discussed.
Not fighting, but just communicating about things that need to be discussed.
26
We never completely escape our childhoods. I believe the wiring in our brains is altered.
www.defaulttogoodness.com
www.defaulttogoodness.com
3
But that kind of love often doesn’t survive life, and in the end, our silence was less about respect or affection or love than it was about cowardice. - This was very powerful, thanks for sharing!
82
Reading this article in the midst of a suddenly/ abruptly dissolving marriage makes me grateful, at least, that he and I always thought we were worth fighting for. While we didn't fight much at all, we never had a fight that wasn't accompanied by raised voices and demands for something better, be it a better explanation or a promise to do better for each other. Kudos to the author for sharing her story, and maybe giving a few of us an unexpected perspective.
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