Another boo-hoo article from a rich white woman with no clue of how people of modest means make it from day to day. The author might want to take a look back at the women who led the Montgomery Bus Boycott, who walked to work to care for the homes and children of Southern white women after caring for their own homes and children and then walked home to do the same in the evening. The author bemoans the Misery Olympics that well-to-do women who spend their days in their busy and important jobs or, if they are even luckier, bouncing around in their athletic wear, are caught up in. From my experience, these women love to compete to see who is most overwhelmed. It's hard to find a wet tear for the author. Perhaps she might think about how fortunate she is the next time she's enjoying one of her long weekend runs or luxurious nights in a hotel at someone else's expense.
146
The one thing missing here is an understanding of how the less well-off, that is, the 90 or 95 percent of the working population unlike Ms. Vanderkam and her family, actually live. These people don't have nannies, they have bills they can't pay. They have little power over or in their work, and their energy is sapped by the stress of living paycheck to paycheck. Struggling to make ends meet and worrying about it saps vitality. It's not about time; it's about quality of life.
The cluelessness of the haute bourgeoisie can be stunning sometimes.
The cluelessness of the haute bourgeoisie can be stunning sometimes.
143
my pet theory on the 60+hr work week is its something most people who claim to work this much compensate by doing a great deal more social activities at work.
33
I feel sorry for her kids.
47
Slow down and just be with your family. You won't regret it.
14
The author should have logged the time spent by the nanny doing things she would have had to have done if she didn't have the nanny. That time should have been compared with the time she had for exercise, four weeks of vacation, and other things that many readers seem to suspect only exist for the author because she has that nanny.
In other words, what does your nanny's time buy you?
Also, if our author was really interested in comparing time spent by different people, her nanny would have been an excellent person for comparison. One would hope that if she did this, though, she'd pay her nanny for the 18 hours of tracking her time.
In other words, what does your nanny's time buy you?
Also, if our author was really interested in comparing time spent by different people, her nanny would have been an excellent person for comparison. One would hope that if she did this, though, she'd pay her nanny for the 18 hours of tracking her time.
71
The author's advice, as it pertains to the rest of us, equates (IMHO) to handing the job section (remember that one?!) to a homeless person and telling them to look for a job.
Irrelevant.
Irrelevant.
23
I read this article this morning and my blood has been boiling all day. I've now read many of the comments and clearly I'm not the only one who is SHOCKED by this author's astronomical level of oblivious privilege. The small amounts of time she spends doing housework and childcare and the numerous massages, plus time for exercise, dinners, and reading means that she has more help and vastly more money than 99% of the working moms in this country. I can't wait to find out how she's managing in ten years when her four kids are 10-18 and have exponentially more logistical and emotional needs than they do now. Unless, of course, she has sent them to boarding school. That might be best for them.
74
Great article, which, judging by these comments, produced loads of anger from people who don't want their feelings and experiences to be dismissed.
I think a careful rereading will show that Ms. Vanderkam was only suggesting that a cold data analysis might reveal truths that help you make clearer decisions about how you use your time. In her own case, she felt good and continues herbpresentblife course. Another person she mentioned quit working.
Ms. Vanderkam was only the messenger. Not your judge.
I think a careful rereading will show that Ms. Vanderkam was only suggesting that a cold data analysis might reveal truths that help you make clearer decisions about how you use your time. In her own case, she felt good and continues herbpresentblife course. Another person she mentioned quit working.
Ms. Vanderkam was only the messenger. Not your judge.
51
Data can provide some good insights, but too often ignores the human element. I would imagine the vast majority of full time working moms with very young children would feel too stressed / too hormonal / too tired to enjoy that 'free' 15 minutes they may find find in their time tracking. As for me, this article was an unintentional reminder to shut off the phone and go play with my kids. I don't need to time track to know that they're always waiting for me.
23
I just realized that my bucket list never includes the time I spend reading the comments in the NY T.
I just added more time to my day....
I just added more time to my day....
28
Krampus has not put very many coals in your sack yet, although you seem well prepared to deal with them. Be ready to adjust your time statistics as inevitable career, family, financial and health setbacks occur. Apropos statistical analysis, does the staggering personal pronoun count of the first half of the article reveal a perspective that should concern you?
32
It's always a gift to learn the truth about ourselves. The author rightly proposes that if we are aware of how we spend our time, we can make better decisions on each action we take.
The proposal that we need to re-think our time boundaries is certainly an interesting one, and it seems to fit in with how our culture works today. If we constantly tell ourselves that we are busy, it can lead to overwhelm and guilt, both of which are negative thoughts. Instead, time-tracking can allow us to understand whether or not we are truly busy. If we are too busy to live what we value, then we can make some adjustments accordingly--we can shred the unnecessary activities to make room for what is important to us. By doing that, we can have a sense of power and control over our day to day lives. And this is good.
The proposal that we need to re-think our time boundaries is certainly an interesting one, and it seems to fit in with how our culture works today. If we constantly tell ourselves that we are busy, it can lead to overwhelm and guilt, both of which are negative thoughts. Instead, time-tracking can allow us to understand whether or not we are truly busy. If we are too busy to live what we value, then we can make some adjustments accordingly--we can shred the unnecessary activities to make room for what is important to us. By doing that, we can have a sense of power and control over our day to day lives. And this is good.
22
Four kids? The planet thanks you. NOT! Population overshoot is the underlying reason for all the problems that plague our world. You've contributed to the doubling of the population. You will rue your irresponsibility when limits to growth are fully manifested, a process that is already well underway.
61
I was sad to see that some of this extra time that this clearly busy and successful mom found she actually had was not listed as being spent playing games with her kids or cuddling with her husband to watch a movie. When your partner and your kids are seen as part of the 'required work' and not a valued part of your free time, it feels
like she's missing an important ingredient.
like she's missing an important ingredient.
35
Behind it all, the point of this piece is that, in our culture (culture being how we view reality), if you're not busy you're not important and the busier you are, the more important you are. That's why people overestimate how much they work and, even, how hard they work (a subjective measure that has nothing to do with the time worked). It takes only about 3 minutes per day to keep a time log. If one does that honestly, even those who say they are too busy to keep such a log, will find they have been lying to themselves and, perhaps, others.
45
But I have to tell everyone I'm busy because that's the excuse I always give for taking a week to respond to an email!
25
To all of you who resent this woman's resources, get over it. It has absolutely nothing to do with the point of her piece. You are blinded by the fact that she has a nanny. So what? She has 4 children under 8 and it sounds like by choice. A nanny is more affordable than day care for each of them.
I have no children. By choice. One of the whining commenters has 5. Why? Are they quintuplets?
My point is that so many of you are missing the point of the piece because you can't get past your resentment of the life you have chosen for yourselves. Meanwhile, what's useful is the notion that we all feel too busy and keeping track of how we spend our time is a useful exercise regardless of any socioeconomic status.
I have no children. By choice. One of the whining commenters has 5. Why? Are they quintuplets?
My point is that so many of you are missing the point of the piece because you can't get past your resentment of the life you have chosen for yourselves. Meanwhile, what's useful is the notion that we all feel too busy and keeping track of how we spend our time is a useful exercise regardless of any socioeconomic status.
64
Entitled, spoiled, infuriating. Try doing it on $8.75/hour.
40
I stopped reading after "with the help of a nanny and from family."
40
I have a friend whose daughter-in-law is a young plastic surgeon in Manhattan who has four children under the age of four (a four year old, a set of two-year old twins and a 7-month old baby) who still finds the time even with her busy schedule to spend quality time with her family. She is lucky to have a full-time and part-time nanny but she has worked very hard to achieve this success.
Her practice is not confined to helping those who want to retain their youthful appearance and look more appealing. She is about to operate on a woman whose face was burned in a domestic dispute case and was featured on TV recently to discuss the surgery. She is compassionate and cares for those less fortunate. She has been lucky but she does give back to society. We need more people like this lovely young woman.
Her practice is not confined to helping those who want to retain their youthful appearance and look more appealing. She is about to operate on a woman whose face was burned in a domestic dispute case and was featured on TV recently to discuss the surgery. She is compassionate and cares for those less fortunate. She has been lucky but she does give back to society. We need more people like this lovely young woman.
19
Many years ago, I noticed that most people always claim to be "busy, busy, busy!" But, when you watch them, they are often talking about sports, surfing the web on their phone or office computer, shopping on-line, and allowing what appear to be meaningless things. But, as the article suggests, people often skew their over-worked or over-tasked time as continually being what their busiest times were.
https://thetruthoncommonsense.com
https://thetruthoncommonsense.com
18
Funny that the author lumps strawberry picking in the "leisure" category. Anyone who has actually picked strawberries for a living (a dime a hallock, a dollar a flat) calls it back breaking labor.
I am lucky. I am an attorney now, certainly a stressful job, but I love it, compared to what I could be doing. What is work, and what is leisure? I enjoy mowing the lawn, it is relaxing, like a workout. Waste my spare time with spreadsheet data entry, just for fun?- no way.
I am lucky. I am an attorney now, certainly a stressful job, but I love it, compared to what I could be doing. What is work, and what is leisure? I enjoy mowing the lawn, it is relaxing, like a workout. Waste my spare time with spreadsheet data entry, just for fun?- no way.
17
Is her full-time job as an author? That is a VERY flexible profession. I know--I am one. I've done an office job and it's a completely different story. Perhaps if more office jobs were work-from-home or flex time, they would be comparable. I have also had freelance gigs where I work 40 hours a week, but from home--and I can get so much "home" stuff done, just by ducking to the drycleaner when I go out for lunch. I'm not sure the author understands what office life is for most people--getting an offhand comment like, "Oh, keeping banker's hours?" when you leave at 6pm.
67
She only works 37.5 hours most week?
I know I arrive at school (I teach) at 8:00 a.m. I could leave at 4:00, but I am usually flying to the photocopier at 4:30 and then flying to pick up my youngest child from her daycare at 5:00 so that I am not late (and charged five dollars per minute, heaven forbid), and then off to get my next child at her after care.
I keep wondering when I could fit in a run. I used to run after school, but that was when I graded 8 hours every weekend. I am really physically tired after a day at work. It is quite possible that between 6:00 and 7:00 I could fit in going for a run, but I am tired from standing all day and also so hungry that I am pretty single minded about seeking food. After dinner I am too full to go for a run and usually mad at my spouse and trying to patch things up.
Between 6:00 and 8:00 is supposedly our family dinner, bath and bedtime for the kids, usually marred by much yelling and overreacting on the part of my spouse while I say things like, "Shh," or, "It's ok," or, "She's only five." (He has an anxiety disorder which he will not treat. I find this exhausting.)
Around 8:00 I start herding the kids into bed, and then I sit down up to continue grading my students' papers.
I could run in the morning, if my husband did not have a 5:00 a.m. shift.
He works on the weekends (5 to 2), and this is good (he's not here) and bad (no "Your turn!" while I head out to go for a solo run).
I don't think I'm lying about the busy.
I know I arrive at school (I teach) at 8:00 a.m. I could leave at 4:00, but I am usually flying to the photocopier at 4:30 and then flying to pick up my youngest child from her daycare at 5:00 so that I am not late (and charged five dollars per minute, heaven forbid), and then off to get my next child at her after care.
I keep wondering when I could fit in a run. I used to run after school, but that was when I graded 8 hours every weekend. I am really physically tired after a day at work. It is quite possible that between 6:00 and 7:00 I could fit in going for a run, but I am tired from standing all day and also so hungry that I am pretty single minded about seeking food. After dinner I am too full to go for a run and usually mad at my spouse and trying to patch things up.
Between 6:00 and 8:00 is supposedly our family dinner, bath and bedtime for the kids, usually marred by much yelling and overreacting on the part of my spouse while I say things like, "Shh," or, "It's ok," or, "She's only five." (He has an anxiety disorder which he will not treat. I find this exhausting.)
Around 8:00 I start herding the kids into bed, and then I sit down up to continue grading my students' papers.
I could run in the morning, if my husband did not have a 5:00 a.m. shift.
He works on the weekends (5 to 2), and this is good (he's not here) and bad (no "Your turn!" while I head out to go for a solo run).
I don't think I'm lying about the busy.
21
I have a dear friend who talks constantly about the struggle (so busy!) of being a "single mother" (no time for herself!). She shares custody of the child with her ex-husband. The child is out of the house for 3 days out of every 7. It is so, so hard for me to bite my tongue.
12
I feel sorry for those children. Why so many children when both parents are out of town so often? This is a couple who thrives on chaos. I know too many couples like this and it is a bore. If you want a great career and children don't have so many and realize massages, self actualization or just chilling has to wait until the children are older, they are your responsibility. And don't complain to me about how harried you are. We have all raised families as working mothers, that's what it is. You created this chaos by decisions you made to be over scheduled . I am speaking for men and women not just the moms. Why must you be the center of the universe? Try being the center of your family and be attentive when your children need you - not so overwhelmed. Don't worry, your children will be grown up in the blink of an eye then do whatever you want there will be plenty of time.
26
The busy well to do lies is a better title for this article. There are people who work two sometimes three jobs just to survive and they don't have nannies or spend hours exercising in the gym, ask them about their time management. It is what it is an opinion and a very bias one.
15
Two children are enough for any family, anywhere.
13
How much does the nanny cost?
Does the husband work a 40+ hour job at an office plus commuting time?
Does the husband work a 40+ hour job at an office plus commuting time?
7
Interesting.
It would be nice if the article included a link or a screenshot of the time log. What were the categories? How could one do this in a way that could be sorted and analyzed?
It would be nice if the article included a link or a screenshot of the time log. What were the categories? How could one do this in a way that could be sorted and analyzed?
6
Why is your own obsessional compulsive behaviour (how many hours do you spend on the spreadsheets?) of interest to the 99% of people who can't afford a nanny, don't have two incomes coming in, etc. It's nice for you that you can time all of your interactions -- with expensive hired help to do other things many others -- even with two incomes, not sweetened by occasional NYT honoraria. The self-centredness is off putting to any person who not only thinks about her- or himself, but gives 1.5 nanoseconds to those less fortunate -- and less self-centered (the vast majority of your planetary cohabitants) I am well aware that I can't get enough done, largely because of the obscene and thoughtless, counterproductive imperatives of an idiotic employer who makes me fill out redundant spreadsheets, etc. I am very happy that I had parents who didn't have such a narrow and distorted view of the world. If I were the child of such a parent as you describe yourself to be, years of being trained to have a mother's (or father's) attention meted out in micrograms might lead me to wonder what such behaviour on a parent's (or parents') part would do to the children. But you don't seem to think about that -- only about yourself. What a sad index of the world.
10
"even with help from a nanny and from family" I do think NANNY is a crucial part of this picture she is understating. So is MONEY, which is not mentioned. As usual, the NYT focuses on those of privilege and resources and presents that as the norm.
24
After 25 years in the corporate world while parenting two very active student athletes, I used this technique to make sure I could make time for everything. Laura is completely right when she says there's plenty of time to find time for what's important. I think the challenge is that we have a hard time identifying what to spend our time on. Here are my thoughts on making sure you're spending time on the things that are most important - http://www.priorigami.com/blog/not-enough-time.
9
Sometimes unexpected circumstances transform women into single mothers -leaving them stretched thin. But other than that scenario; here's one way to have more leisure time. Only have children you can financially afford and are willing to devote time to without becoming exhausted and resentful.
47
Aside from handing off the baby to hubby so she could take a glorious nap, he is absent. Obviously, they had time for a little sex because she had a new baby. But it does not seem she has a particularly close relationship with her husband. She talks more about the time she spends alone than with him. I predict they will either have a long life together leading mostly separate lives, or divorce is not far off.
8
I used to feel exhausted after a day of 12-hour work. No time for family, exercise and friends. My social circle actually became smaller. I deemed the future of both my career and my life were going to be bleak.
2 years ago, one of my friends helped me to realize that it is not about not having enough time, but rather what I do have enough time for? I started to learn to value my time. I told my colleagues, I only have 30 minutes for meetings I have to chair. These meetings must end on time. They key is to deliberate the agenda and expectations before hand and be discipline in doing that. I also make it a point that I will not involve in any work activity unless the purpose and expectations of the activity are clearly spelled out, I only have time for proactive and purposeful engagement. After sticking to it for about 6 months, my workload reduced greatly and I have all the time I needed to do my productive and purposeful work in less than 8 hours a day.
Since then, I have been able to plan my exercise and maintain a healthy lifestyle. My principle – per week I only have 9 hours for reading, 8 hours for exercise and 6 hours for dining out with family.
By focusing more on what I do have time for and I actually end up doing less and saving a lot of time. My kids feedback that they are happier now as I have been able to spend quality time with them. We deepen our bond through various interesting conversations which I never had the time and mood to even start one.
2 years ago, one of my friends helped me to realize that it is not about not having enough time, but rather what I do have enough time for? I started to learn to value my time. I told my colleagues, I only have 30 minutes for meetings I have to chair. These meetings must end on time. They key is to deliberate the agenda and expectations before hand and be discipline in doing that. I also make it a point that I will not involve in any work activity unless the purpose and expectations of the activity are clearly spelled out, I only have time for proactive and purposeful engagement. After sticking to it for about 6 months, my workload reduced greatly and I have all the time I needed to do my productive and purposeful work in less than 8 hours a day.
Since then, I have been able to plan my exercise and maintain a healthy lifestyle. My principle – per week I only have 9 hours for reading, 8 hours for exercise and 6 hours for dining out with family.
By focusing more on what I do have time for and I actually end up doing less and saving a lot of time. My kids feedback that they are happier now as I have been able to spend quality time with them. We deepen our bond through various interesting conversations which I never had the time and mood to even start one.
14
I don't understand why the nanny irritates so many people! With more than one child, a nanny is more cost effective than daycare. Is everyone leaving their toddlers alone at home? Not everyone has a relative babysitting for free!
6
Ms. Venderkam has 4 children under the age of 8 and has no hired help? She and her husband do all the household chores between themselves? I think I just saw a pig flying over my apartment in Washington Heights. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7
This article belongs on Yahoo not NYT.
Not all the time we have is created equal. I don't understand how logging hours for any working mom will help with the FEELINGS and constant mental battle to find balance between work and life priorities. The author clearly doesn't have to worry about the choices she makes with our time.
I would assume for a person who decided to have four children that one of her priorities in her life would be family. Yet, she doesn't mention how much quality time she had with her husband or 4 children. Instead, she mentions how much free time she dedicated to reading books, exercise, and other "selfish" activities. Clearly, there is something off in her analysis.
Not all the time we have is created equal. I don't understand how logging hours for any working mom will help with the FEELINGS and constant mental battle to find balance between work and life priorities. The author clearly doesn't have to worry about the choices she makes with our time.
I would assume for a person who decided to have four children that one of her priorities in her life would be family. Yet, she doesn't mention how much quality time she had with her husband or 4 children. Instead, she mentions how much free time she dedicated to reading books, exercise, and other "selfish" activities. Clearly, there is something off in her analysis.
18
She should try being on 24/7 call for 45 years, as many in journalism, emergency services and many other professions are. Then she'd understand real time issues faced by real people. I know all too well because I've lived it--without benefit of nannies, massages or other lusuries, but with plenty of medical issues and the huge time drains caused by medical appointments and treatments--not th consultations and actual procedures but the endless paperwork and waiting. Get a real life lady and until you do, pleae don't bother the rest of us with your fairy tailes,
18
I didn't have time to read the whole article, so I may have missed it, but how many waking hours did you spend with your husband? He may be your only hope when comes the time you need to be spoon fed each day.
27
The story starts with a number of kids and a new baby. Mentioned are also jobs and all kinds of busy bee stuff.
Not only does the writer harm herself, but also her children, of which there are already a few billion too many on a super overpopulated earth. Her frantic lifestyle is outrageously selfish.
Not only does the writer harm herself, but also her children, of which there are already a few billion too many on a super overpopulated earth. Her frantic lifestyle is outrageously selfish.
46
This is a good article that goes into a practice/tool that can be used by anyone to take a look at how they spend their time, regardless of your income bracket.
13
"I'm busy" most common translations:
A) "I simply don't want to do that of which you speak, and don't want to argue about it/be forced to defend my position."
B) "I'm mentally and/or physically exhausted, and even though I have nothing special planned for the evening, I don't want to add anything to my plate."
C) "I'm concerned if I tell you the truth-- that I'm not up to much, that my life has been relaxing and pleasant of late-- you'll resent me and/or think less of me."
An easy test for C: Next time you're at a dinner party, with people who you have indeed seen within the past month or so, and someone asks you "So, what have you been up to?" answer "Nothing much" and see how disappointed they look. You're supposed to have a list a mile long, remember?! Now everyone thinks you're a loser. Quick! Make something up!
A) "I simply don't want to do that of which you speak, and don't want to argue about it/be forced to defend my position."
B) "I'm mentally and/or physically exhausted, and even though I have nothing special planned for the evening, I don't want to add anything to my plate."
C) "I'm concerned if I tell you the truth-- that I'm not up to much, that my life has been relaxing and pleasant of late-- you'll resent me and/or think less of me."
An easy test for C: Next time you're at a dinner party, with people who you have indeed seen within the past month or so, and someone asks you "So, what have you been up to?" answer "Nothing much" and see how disappointed they look. You're supposed to have a list a mile long, remember?! Now everyone thinks you're a loser. Quick! Make something up!
51
The first half of this post is dead on, but the second.. not so much.
People are disappointed when you answer "what have you been up to?" with "nothing much," because they're trying to start a conversation, and you've just shot it dead. Answer "not much, how about you?" and most people won't look disappointed; they'll be too busy talking about themselves.
People are disappointed when you answer "what have you been up to?" with "nothing much," because they're trying to start a conversation, and you've just shot it dead. Answer "not much, how about you?" and most people won't look disappointed; they'll be too busy talking about themselves.
30
Time is money! An abundance of money saves time!! I found this article so irritating that I admit I may have missed something crucial or interesting, BUT I don't believe there was any outright mention of money. Neither did I hear any mention of house cleaning, cooking, yard work or any other type of manual labor that this writer neglects to mention,.... she just hires it out!! I am a well educated single mother who finds the days, weeks and months just fly by....I'm actually too busy paying bills, taking my daughter to soccer, taking care of my dog, cooking, cleaning, mowing the lawn, snow blowing in winter, to do a spread sheet analysis. Instead I teach children (as a public school teacher ) by day, and try to instill something of quality and value in my daughter in my off hours, when I don't have chores to attend to. I don't really have enough time to fully analyze this poorly written piece, but there is something about this article that I find repulsive. If I had more time to fully reflect I could articulate it more clearly, but I gotta run.......!!
210
Could it be the title? The lie here is the suggestion that paying someone else to take care of your house and kids while chasing a glamorous life elsewhere justifies taking credit for both. The credit rightly belongs to those actually who do it all, or who simply don't have kids.
12
Actually, the writer did mention laundry and other sundry household chores. You found the time to both read the article (not too closely, however) and to respond to it. So maybe you aren't as busy as you claim!
While I too understand that these exercises (tracking one's time) are for the monied, sometimes it's good to just be mindful of our daily lives.
While I too understand that these exercises (tracking one's time) are for the monied, sometimes it's good to just be mindful of our daily lives.
8
By highlighting that women at the top of the income distribution manage the demands of work and family with relative ease, the author does a real disservice to those with fewer resources at their disposal to help them manage their time. Someone with little or no experience with juggling home and family (I'm thinking Congress, as evidenced by how little action they have take on family issues, like paid parental leave, in my lifetime) might come to the conclusion that all is copacetic for most people after reading this op-ed. The reality is that for the majority, this is not a representative depiction of how time is spent. Unfortunately the majority lack the time to write an op-ed about how their time is spent.
220
Lisa, interesting comment. The authors point of view is certainly relevant to Times readers because we tend to be affluent and have more choice. Your assertion that it's silly because few people have this kind of time misses that point. Also, when will parents make better choices about their time? When they know what's actually happening during the course of their day.
1
A huge number of people not "at the top of the income distribution" don't work at all, depending on the rest of us to provide their necessities. The people who have it hardest are those who work for minimal wages (thanks to competition from illegals sponsored by the Democrat Party) or those who work for middling wages who are heavily taxed (thanks to the Democrat Party's vote-buying welfare and/or both parties penchant for buying campaign conributions with tax favors to the rich).
3
Until you actually track your own time, how do you know?
3
When I was a busy medical intern, working 80 hour weeks, I was part of a study designed to assess how I was spending my time. I was given a beeper that went off at random intervals. Sometimes it would buzz 4 times in an hour and other times it would be dormant for hours on end. At each alert, I was asked to log what I was doing. Back then (1994), I wasn't texting or surfing the web, which I probably would be doing now. But most times, I wasn't doing patient care. Rather, I was either socializing or using the toilet.
13
How stupid. Usual "educated" liberal non-sense - better living through statistics. Somehow, I'm not so impressed with the "data."
Somehow she missed the fact that people need downtime. Actual downtime, not "driving my kid to school" downtime.
The most definitive study to date on sleep demonstrated that the vast majority of people need 8.5 hours sleep per night. Therefore, though the author is feeling quite smug about her time management skills, she is setting herself up for diseases of all sorts that are linked to sleep deprivation - including cancer and early death.
Life expectancy is decreasing in the Western world and chronic illness is vastly increasing in nearly every area - neurological, immunological, hormonal, etc. Despite our ever expanding technological solutions, are bodies are not so impressed.
Somehow she missed the fact that people need downtime. Actual downtime, not "driving my kid to school" downtime.
The most definitive study to date on sleep demonstrated that the vast majority of people need 8.5 hours sleep per night. Therefore, though the author is feeling quite smug about her time management skills, she is setting herself up for diseases of all sorts that are linked to sleep deprivation - including cancer and early death.
Life expectancy is decreasing in the Western world and chronic illness is vastly increasing in nearly every area - neurological, immunological, hormonal, etc. Despite our ever expanding technological solutions, are bodies are not so impressed.
27
What is liberal about this? Other than the fact that her husband shares child care, I don't see anything else definitive.
13
Your statement that the vast majority of people need 8.5 hours of sleep is simply wrong. And an excample of how many of the self-assured opinions expressed in these Comments need to be taken with a grain of salt.
2
Someone, hopefully, in the 182 comments to date pointed out that the author is not driven by the demand of a billable hours goal. If your, e.g., law firm demands 2200 billable hours per year you will be working 50-60 hours a week (if you are ethical about billing) and recognizing that all work hours at a firm are not billable.
25
It's also not going to take only 3 minutes a day to track your time when you're billing in 6 minute intervals. And reviewing and rewriting the records of the associates you've assigned to various clients.
5
We're all made to feel terribly busy these days. Standing for a moment? Check your cell - there's doubtless a message - something that demands instantaneous response (time to think?! What madness is that? Just respond!). Holidays rush by in a blur. Vacation - no problem, just take your laptop and cell phone, make sure everything gets done, squeeze in some "relaxation" (just check that phone for messages). Media creates chaos and crisis - we've been watching the "fight" to the White House, "battles" for the last 40 months! We're all so frenzied, so harried - so distracted from the realities of our world.
Ever think that this must be someone's plan?
Ever think that this must be someone's plan?
17
'this must be someone's plan?'
reminds me of the saying - 'if you don't plan your life, your life tends to become part of someone else's plan'
when Egyptian people were dancing in the streets in the Arab Spring after deposing a cruel dictator, I was thinking 'yeah - while you're having fun - the nasty people are planning how to grab power' - which I think they did.
ergo the US saying - 'the price of freedom is eternal vigilance' - if you stop paying attention, some nasty people will soon take over
an observation from Scandinavian game theory - 'civilisations collapse unless good people go out of their way to ensure other people do the right thing'
reminds me of the saying - 'if you don't plan your life, your life tends to become part of someone else's plan'
when Egyptian people were dancing in the streets in the Arab Spring after deposing a cruel dictator, I was thinking 'yeah - while you're having fun - the nasty people are planning how to grab power' - which I think they did.
ergo the US saying - 'the price of freedom is eternal vigilance' - if you stop paying attention, some nasty people will soon take over
an observation from Scandinavian game theory - 'civilisations collapse unless good people go out of their way to ensure other people do the right thing'
8
I am stunned at some of the cruel comments here. Not every piece has to be about poor people or by poor people or with a caveat showing that the author really does understand that there are poor people. Some articles, like this one, express one particular perspective that reflects the way life is for the author and surely many other people too.
I don't have kids and don't relate to this piece personally, but I find all women's perspectives interesting and do not begrudge this woman the opportunities she has had, and made use of, that have resulted in a live of more privilege than I and many others have.
Some people really need to let go of their agendas long enough to appreciate the original and personal perspective of one writer willing to share her thoughts and experiences with us.
I don't have kids and don't relate to this piece personally, but I find all women's perspectives interesting and do not begrudge this woman the opportunities she has had, and made use of, that have resulted in a live of more privilege than I and many others have.
Some people really need to let go of their agendas long enough to appreciate the original and personal perspective of one writer willing to share her thoughts and experiences with us.
91
I agree some of the comments are harsh, but unfortunately, there are things in this article that ring troublingly . . . . most people without the author's resources don't have nannies to help, don't have the resources to get massages or have solo beach days away from the family, don't get to take long naps in hotel rooms while travelling to/from speaking tours, etc. A low income parent (mother or father) actually may be running from one job to another with little to no time to spend with their families, quality or otherwise. Those are truly the ones who struggle, who truly don't have any time.
Not having any time in the manner of this author and other similarly situated to her is just not comparable.
Not having any time in the manner of this author and other similarly situated to her is just not comparable.
50
61 percent of working Americans said they did not have enough time to do the things they wanted to do.
I know one thing for sure. I'd have plenty of time if I didn't read so many articles like this in the NYT and elsewhere. LOL
I know one thing for sure. I'd have plenty of time if I didn't read so many articles like this in the NYT and elsewhere. LOL
52
Congratulations on your latest kid! I have two kids, but one of them has autism, so it's sorta like I've got thirty-three kids. Talk about time, too--we're always at one therapist or another, spending money the health insurance doesn't cover. We're on the verge of divorce, too. So congratulations on everything. I'm glad things are going well for somebody out there!
96
This article makes the simple mistake of assuming that all time is created equal, as if every half hour on a spreadsheet is the same as any other. Not so. If you are stuck on a crowded subway for a half hour with no end in sight, that time feels much, much longer than a half hour spent playing ball with your daughter, or going off for a jog. For those of us stuck with tedious jobs and a long commute, the least stressful part of the day (often, being asleep) is subjectively far too short for, alas, we are unconscious during that (all too brief) lull.
99
I assure you, a half-hour spent playing Legos with my son feels interminable. ;)
33
That is kind of the point of the article. It recommends logging your time (or at least shows its "benefits," in a sense) as it will make you realize how much your mind perceives different activities with different times. By realizing this illusion created by your mind, it could be possible to cherish your downtime more satisfactorily. It is basically showing that people DO have freetime, and by realizing how much that people have, we are better able to understand how busy we are in a more rational sense. I probably repeated some points.
12
This is one of the most obnoxious examples of privilege I've ever read--the gloating, the self-rightouesness, the obliviousness of the privileged upper class.
I'm a single mother of five. I have no equity. I certainly have no money for a nanny. I have two jobs to make ends meet but I've been laid off three times. It's a thin line between me & the curb. No time tracking is going to help me realize I have more time than I do. I have no time.
I am fortunate. I'm educated & have a job with benefits. I can rent a small house in an upper middle class community so my kids could go to a superior school. I own a reliable car so I can drive rather than use a bus (very time consuming)
Many upper class people complain they're 'busy'; an upper class person's idea of 'busy' is fundamentally different from everyone else's; the main difference is that they always have assistants to help manage their time (cleaning ladies, nannies) & the surety they can always get more help if needed.
The freedom to have time (if desired) is precisely what distinguishes the upper class from everyone else. The author fails to see this. She may be aware she is referring to white collar professionals, but then proceeds to act like her "realization" refers to everyone, & not the top 1-2%.
Life has space when you are the "leisured class" --yet the leisured class won't acknowledge they are even a class, & instead attribute their extra time to their own virtue.
That's class privilege.
I'm a single mother of five. I have no equity. I certainly have no money for a nanny. I have two jobs to make ends meet but I've been laid off three times. It's a thin line between me & the curb. No time tracking is going to help me realize I have more time than I do. I have no time.
I am fortunate. I'm educated & have a job with benefits. I can rent a small house in an upper middle class community so my kids could go to a superior school. I own a reliable car so I can drive rather than use a bus (very time consuming)
Many upper class people complain they're 'busy'; an upper class person's idea of 'busy' is fundamentally different from everyone else's; the main difference is that they always have assistants to help manage their time (cleaning ladies, nannies) & the surety they can always get more help if needed.
The freedom to have time (if desired) is precisely what distinguishes the upper class from everyone else. The author fails to see this. She may be aware she is referring to white collar professionals, but then proceeds to act like her "realization" refers to everyone, & not the top 1-2%.
Life has space when you are the "leisured class" --yet the leisured class won't acknowledge they are even a class, & instead attribute their extra time to their own virtue.
That's class privilege.
340
Why did you have five kids?
53
Why do you have five kids? Surely by the third kid, unless you have step children, you should have known the travails. I am amazed that some people can not make rational decisions regarding the long term financial, emotional, and fulfilling the basic needs of children.
6
Your kid's father doesn't help? Having five kids is no accident!
9
I appreciate this article very much. In particular, it is valuable to recognize that the stories we tell ourselves about our time impact not just what we choose to do with that time but also how we experience it. How wonderful to notice your own internal narratives and see if they're actually accurate. That's powerful.
At the same time, there is something in the "I'm too busy" narrative that is a vital truth we shouldn't overlook: we are tired. I think that is what "I'm too busy" is really code for in many cases. Changing our self-talk and re-aligning our actions with our priorities can help that somewhat. But there are some realities about energy to face as well. For instance, the 7.5 hour average nightly sleep this author gets is more than she guessed - but 7.5 hours of broken sleep is not as restful, not even close.
At the same time, there is something in the "I'm too busy" narrative that is a vital truth we shouldn't overlook: we are tired. I think that is what "I'm too busy" is really code for in many cases. Changing our self-talk and re-aligning our actions with our priorities can help that somewhat. But there are some realities about energy to face as well. For instance, the 7.5 hour average nightly sleep this author gets is more than she guessed - but 7.5 hours of broken sleep is not as restful, not even close.
27
Oh gee, thanks for the revelation. With no nanny, relatives, or "your time" husband, I'll lock my screaming toddler at home alone with a bowl of food while I go have a relaxing glass of wine overlooking the Atlantic and write an Op-Ed about how much time I have.
137
You are rich and selfish. Having 4 kids on an overpopulated and polluted planet uses far more than your fair share of resources and creates a huge carbon footprint. You are obviously insensitive to people a nanny...really?) and the environment.
70
But, her children and husband a well ensconced in the cracks and crevices of her mind. But, she presents herself as a well educated person, as well as her husband. Why that fourth child? If deliberate, "nature rules"
I had three sons at one point, and an accidental fourth. That was the emotional, time management, and financial tipping point. It all worked out, but it was a struggle. Two of them I raised from 11 and 14 as a single parent. It ended excellently
I had three sons at one point, and an accidental fourth. That was the emotional, time management, and financial tipping point. It all worked out, but it was a struggle. Two of them I raised from 11 and 14 as a single parent. It ended excellently
1
I do not know why so many comments focus on this single aspect of the article.
3
I'm wondering if she ever sees her kids! And she finds a lot of free time by having support staff/traveling for work. But I also think if having kids is going to bankrupt/stress you, don't have them! I get tired of people complaining about being stressed financially/emotionally by having kids. It was your choice.
21
People don't always know what is coming ahead when they have kids (life changes, divorce, unemployment, special needs or health condition of some kids, taking care of elderly relatives, getting less energetic with age, etc). There should be more solidarity policies for families rather than treating having children as a hobby.
3
A lot of this boils down to one thing: personal choices. Yes, there are surprises and obligations. But it's important to recognize that our choices each come with time constraints. You can't expect to be a top executive at work while also being a gourmet cook, exercising regularly, living outside the city, throwing great parties, having a clean house, and having 4 kids (each with his or her own set of needs) without each of these items taking time. Narrow your choices if you want more time...
6
So if you feel hurried and harried, off-balance and exhausted, sleep-deprived and unfocused, well, just suck it up, because you only FEEL that way. Your feelings don't matter if when you count the numbers, everything adds up. Like I said, Iife is all about the numbers people, it's about quantity, not quality. No matter if you feel that your kids and husband aren't getting the best of you. Just stuff those feelings of inadequacy back down and keep going. Because this is how it's supposed to be.
And if you stick with it, your kids will learn this valuable lesson too.
And if you stick with it, your kids will learn this valuable lesson too.
25
Isn't it usually "quality not quantity"? Also that is kind of the point that the author was getting at, that she only feels that way, and that when she logged her time, she realized that she only feels tired, but actually has free time.
If you’ve ever been near to death—perhaps more than once, you always have the feeling your number could be up any day. From that perspective, every moment is full, regardless of what you’re doing, and every moment is a good one, although it takes some time, hard times, to appreciate this.
25
Well said and so true. When I watch these running moms with that impervious "out of my way I'm so unhappy" smile, cell phone between jaw and shoulder while pushing credit cards in a slot, I often think something really terrible should happen to finally stop them.
5
I would argue that, when it takes being near death to appreciate your life, it supports the argument that your life needs an overhaul. The very fact that the author is spreadsheeting her life is a powerful argument for change. Sure, being near death may make you appreciate things more, but there ARE happy people who have not nearly died. Let's aim for that, shall we?
4
What's most depressing about this article is that its author doesn't realize that the fact that she needs to time-quantify her life in this way and that she has made a career in time management is itself a sign that as a society we have gone bonkers. What she proposes, to count and tabulate the minutes we spent on this or that task, strikes me as total capitulation to this exploitative system. And her idea that it's all in our heads and that quantifying and compartmentalizing our lives even more is in our own interest is a perfect example of false consciousness. This article, for all of the author's gingerly dispensed advice, is about how to be better at and accept your own self-exploitation.
40
Thank you for articulating exactly what I felt.
1
I'm sorry but I had to stop reading when I got to "even with help from a nanny and from family...". I understand the point of this story but I am so sick of accounts of working moms who somehow manage it all - and then buried in there somewhere is a line about a nanny, or helping grandparents etc. etc. I am so sick of those stories. That's great you got a chance to get massages, go running and have dinner with your friends. I don't get chances like that but maybe that's because I do not have a nanny or family that helps me and my husband "helps" like most husband's do - when he feels like it.....the rest of the time it's mommy on call - even when my child is in school.
50
While technically correct, there are some important matters to consider. Energy levels and factors that affect energy levels: the best of our energy is given to the workplace and what little remains goes to family and while we may have enough energy to remain awake in front of a screen, it doesn't mean a whole lot of productive energy remains. If we like our work, it is less draining, but if not, the energy dynamic is negatively affected. Family life has become ever so much more complex since women entered the workplace, which has only intensified. At the end folks feel there are more demands than ever and they just want to run away. Denying this is tantamount to denying most people's reality--a real problem this election cycle.
15
This article is tone-deaf to an extreme, something many other commenters have pointed out.
This is too bad, because it distracts from the reasonable and relatively universal main point: humans are bad at recognizing how we spend our time, and tracking it can provide information valuable both to how we choose to spend our time, and how we feel about those choices.
This is too bad, because it distracts from the reasonable and relatively universal main point: humans are bad at recognizing how we spend our time, and tracking it can provide information valuable both to how we choose to spend our time, and how we feel about those choices.
33
Being mindful of ones use of time is valuable. Being aware of "how the other half lives" is also valuable.
The author is now more conscious of the luxuries she enjoys and formerly took for granted, thanks to her wealth and position. That is useful.
The next lesson for her, perhaps, might be that the conclusions she draws, about space are closely connected to her wealth and position.
Will that further lesson then serve as a call to action in support of those less fortunate with so much less flexibility?
The author is now more conscious of the luxuries she enjoys and formerly took for granted, thanks to her wealth and position. That is useful.
The next lesson for her, perhaps, might be that the conclusions she draws, about space are closely connected to her wealth and position.
Will that further lesson then serve as a call to action in support of those less fortunate with so much less flexibility?
17
THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT? Data driven analysis doesn't do it again! The prefrontal cortex, with its executive functions, may understand that the perception of how time is used is distorted. But to the amygdala, with its fight-or-flight reflexes, feels the stress level to be overwhelming. According to Daniel Goleman's model of emotional intelligence. His model of social intelligence, likely enabled in part by spindle cells and mirror cells, results in an "emotional wi-fi," where feelings are contagious. If I learned only one thing in my studies of family therapy, it was that there are NO emotional secrets in families. Kids may not have the developmental capacity to understand the facts of family interactions; but they feel the emotions of the caregivers/parents powerfully via the family's emotional wifi. Except you can't sign on and off at will. The writer's idea that, Now I don't have to feel guilty, is incomplete. But is she really able not to feel guilty, given the levels of commitment and severe levels of unrelenting stress? The likelihood of the freedom not to feel guilty being attainable are remote. So the prefrontal cortex reasons that you can have it all.While the fight-or-flight amygdala feels that you can't stand to have it all. Then the spindle / mirror cell wi-fi broadcast the emotions uncensored and unconsciously to family and those socially connected. The only part of the process that is conscious is the prefrontal cortex. But, the unconscious RULES!
12
It seems that doing two simple things would create a lot more free time.
First, have fewer children. I have one, and it's a glorious number!
Second, realize your job is just a job. If you're not curing cancer, ending international famine or fomenting world peace, your job is not a big deal. I'm just a lawyer. There are few things less important, just a job...
First, have fewer children. I have one, and it's a glorious number!
Second, realize your job is just a job. If you're not curing cancer, ending international famine or fomenting world peace, your job is not a big deal. I'm just a lawyer. There are few things less important, just a job...
69
Some people may not help cure cancer but do care those who are sick, it's not just a job!
2
I also have one. On purpose, and it's amazing! He's amazing. He's four. I am always proselytizing-- as soon as people have their first, they start planning when they'll have the next. I say, Or maybe just stop now?
4
I was eager to read this piece, but halfway through, I was already shifting my expectations. It has the ring of someone expressing that they feel sad, and then being told that they shouldn't feel sad because they have so much to be thankful for!
I, like many of this generation, am a believer in the value of metrics and data – shorthand for valuable information waiting to be mined so we can increase enlightenment, discovery, and further optimize everything in sight. But in this case, it just feels like losing sight of the forest for the trees. If I feel tired or overwhelmed or busy, am I invariably lying to myself because we still got to watch a favorite show for an hour before bed? That I got to spend time with my 3 year old son does not mean that I wasn't exhausted. That I ride my bike for a stretch of my daily commute does not mean that my body does not also ache from lack of more varied exercise. That I was at my desk for 8 hours, or 10 hours, or 7.2 hours says very little about my productivity, how much I accomplished, how mentally drained I felt afterwards.
I can certainly appreciate the author's interest in being honest with oneself, and trying to optimize a busy schedule to make more of life, but when it comes to categorizing and quantifying activities to discredit how tired or overwhelmed one feels, something seems a little off. Everyone has their own outlook and strategies. I still appreciate the author's perspective—it just doesn't resonate for me.
I, like many of this generation, am a believer in the value of metrics and data – shorthand for valuable information waiting to be mined so we can increase enlightenment, discovery, and further optimize everything in sight. But in this case, it just feels like losing sight of the forest for the trees. If I feel tired or overwhelmed or busy, am I invariably lying to myself because we still got to watch a favorite show for an hour before bed? That I got to spend time with my 3 year old son does not mean that I wasn't exhausted. That I ride my bike for a stretch of my daily commute does not mean that my body does not also ache from lack of more varied exercise. That I was at my desk for 8 hours, or 10 hours, or 7.2 hours says very little about my productivity, how much I accomplished, how mentally drained I felt afterwards.
I can certainly appreciate the author's interest in being honest with oneself, and trying to optimize a busy schedule to make more of life, but when it comes to categorizing and quantifying activities to discredit how tired or overwhelmed one feels, something seems a little off. Everyone has their own outlook and strategies. I still appreciate the author's perspective—it just doesn't resonate for me.
59
I think a lot of why we feel so busy and strapped for time is because so much of our time is spent doing things we really don't want to do. You know the saying "time flies when you're having fun?" It's true. If you enjoy what you're doing it doesn't feel like you're spending much time on it -- you feel like you would love to spend much more -- but if you hate what you're doing that time is going to drag and you will feel like you spend way too much time doing it. Many people hate their jobs. Others hate housework or yard work (count me in there). Some really don't want to spend time with their kids, they'd rather be doing their own thing. Whatever it is you don't want to do overwhelms your mental space and many of us procrastinate, so even while we're doing something else, we're thinking about the dreaded tasks, which then feel like they're taking up even more time. Keeping a time log won't change that about human psychology.
32
But keeping a log would be revealing about just how you did spend your time. Same thing for understanding what and how much we eat. This is the point of the article... what she discovered when she tracked her time.
1
Being busy is a relative concept. If the 8 hours 'business' drained you with no energy left to do anything else; its does not compare with the 12 hours of light stuff, where you can come back and do things you like.
20
You've confirmed what I have long believed, that many people who claim to be "too busy" to do this or that, are just not all that busy. My mother raised 5 kids, worked full-time (when we were older), and had "to do" lists miles long. She was busy but you would never hear her say it. In contrast, I've had only two children and while there were times when I felt rushed or too busy, in general, I had time to do what I needed, both when working and while out of the work force. A lot of busy-ness is self-imposed, and there are some people who make a show of rushing around and testifying to their busy nature. While I find plenty of time to relax now, my husband works two full-time jobs, continuing his lifelong need to be busy. No one requires it; he just doesn't like downtime. But like my late mother, I have never heard him complain that he's too busy to take on something new, which is not necessarily a good thing.
25
I don't disagree with the commenters who have keyed in on the author's privilege, but I'm curious about the fixation on her having a nanny.
She doesn't elaborate on what that means - but if it's anything like our nanny (and we had four kids ages 5 and under when we first hired her), then it's "help" only during working hours, i.e., the exact same as daycare or after-school programs that I'm assuming other parents (and commenters) use. For us, and I'm guessing for the author as well, a nanny is/was actually cheaper - one salary for someone caring for four children, rather than four tuitions for daycare or other full-day programs.
"Nanny" doesn't necessarily mean live-in, flexible, always on-call childcare. Perhaps it does for this author...I certainly wish it did for us!
She doesn't elaborate on what that means - but if it's anything like our nanny (and we had four kids ages 5 and under when we first hired her), then it's "help" only during working hours, i.e., the exact same as daycare or after-school programs that I'm assuming other parents (and commenters) use. For us, and I'm guessing for the author as well, a nanny is/was actually cheaper - one salary for someone caring for four children, rather than four tuitions for daycare or other full-day programs.
"Nanny" doesn't necessarily mean live-in, flexible, always on-call childcare. Perhaps it does for this author...I certainly wish it did for us!
40
The lack of explanation of the impact of having the nanny on time available for other things is exactly the problem with this article. It could be tremendous, it could be minor, but it's something everyone noticed and seems worthy of consideration.
When your starting premise is that adding a fourth child to your family makes the year the busiest of your life, and you mention so many activities relating to caring for your children, the role of a nanny in influencing time expenditure becomes critical.
For example, both the author and her husband travel for work. It's highly unlikely that these trips don't leave days when neither of them are at home. This lifestyle may be impossible without a nanny to provide 24 hour care for the children for multiple days a year.
It hits a nerve because it sounds like the author is wealthy enough to hire servants, which may or may not be true, depending on what the nanny does. It also sounds like there may be a de facto third parent for the children. Again, maybe the role is limited. But maybe not.
It's something many readers obviously wish they could have available to them, and the author should have anticipated this and provided more explanation about what her nanny does with regard to her ability to manage her time and get that exercise and vacation time.
When your starting premise is that adding a fourth child to your family makes the year the busiest of your life, and you mention so many activities relating to caring for your children, the role of a nanny in influencing time expenditure becomes critical.
For example, both the author and her husband travel for work. It's highly unlikely that these trips don't leave days when neither of them are at home. This lifestyle may be impossible without a nanny to provide 24 hour care for the children for multiple days a year.
It hits a nerve because it sounds like the author is wealthy enough to hire servants, which may or may not be true, depending on what the nanny does. It also sounds like there may be a de facto third parent for the children. Again, maybe the role is limited. But maybe not.
It's something many readers obviously wish they could have available to them, and the author should have anticipated this and provided more explanation about what her nanny does with regard to her ability to manage her time and get that exercise and vacation time.
7
Dear Ms. Vanderkam,
Thank you for your article. As a data driven person, I have often wondered how much of my time is actually spent on each activity, and how "busy" my life really is as a working mother of three. I hate the word "busy" just as you do, since it's a catch-all that is meaningless and intended to gratify our sense of importance.
Nonetheless, I am amazed that working some nights and some weekends is considered a reasonable sacrifice towards having a family and a career for a woman. When I put my children to bed, I am tired -- unable to focus on my work. On the weekends, I want to rest and recuperate as much as anyone. Should a career come at the cost of these human needs? Busy may not be a good adjective, but I want to enjoy my life. I have one life to live, one youth to experience, and the concept that by prudent time management I can achieve personal and professional satisfaction while deferring enjoyment towards some future self is absurd.
I applaud your effort, but it sounds a bit like we suffer from a Stockholm syndrome - captive to our national stigma against working women.
Thank you for your article. As a data driven person, I have often wondered how much of my time is actually spent on each activity, and how "busy" my life really is as a working mother of three. I hate the word "busy" just as you do, since it's a catch-all that is meaningless and intended to gratify our sense of importance.
Nonetheless, I am amazed that working some nights and some weekends is considered a reasonable sacrifice towards having a family and a career for a woman. When I put my children to bed, I am tired -- unable to focus on my work. On the weekends, I want to rest and recuperate as much as anyone. Should a career come at the cost of these human needs? Busy may not be a good adjective, but I want to enjoy my life. I have one life to live, one youth to experience, and the concept that by prudent time management I can achieve personal and professional satisfaction while deferring enjoyment towards some future self is absurd.
I applaud your effort, but it sounds a bit like we suffer from a Stockholm syndrome - captive to our national stigma against working women.
54
This issue is very different for men than it is for women. My husband often says he's too busy to do something when that "busy" is often a beer in front of the television. However before we women get to the feet up with a beer position the laundry must be done, dinner cooked, oil changed, symphony composed etc..we can be our own worst enemy.
13
My husband thinks that laundry must be done, etc before I do things for fun. (He also does a lot). If his mother happens to visit she considers I'm responsible for everything house or kids-related. It's not always us who expect that much from ourselves.
1
One really great way to save time and multi-task is to involve your children from the earliest possible age in being responsible for themselves, and getting the household tasks done. For example, my eight year old prepares school lunches for herself and her five year old sister. They're learning to cook, clean, and do laundry, and I work side by side with them teaching them, and simultaneously chatting about many topics. They're growing into responsible little people who know how to take care of themselves, and who understand that they're a valuable part of a team, and we have a great relationship from the shared time and the sense of common destiny that comes from working together. At the end of the day, the chores are done, and we can all relax a little. But you have to invest the time in teaching them, and trust them to handle what you give them; it also means valuing the idea of raising independent people who feel good about themselves when asked to step up.
187
I think this attitude is just awful. Children are not put into the world to do the work the parents don't/can't/won't do. If you, as a person of child-bearing age, want to have children but don't have the time or predilection to do the work involved in raising them, then just don't have any. Or have fewer of them. Or be wealthy enough to provide for their needs through hired help. After all, the children did not ask to be born, it was the parents' choice.
12
I sincerely hope you are joking. Otherwise, you are going to have spoiled children, who can't do a thing for themselves, and will be living at home well in to their 30's.
16
I'm confused. I had chores at the age of 7. My sister and I did something every day: make our beds, make our lunches, set and clear, do the dishes, straighten the basemen or do some weeding. We got an allowance of 75 cents per week. All of our friends did chores, too. I never thought I was doing the work my mother couldn't or wouldn't do. I thought I was doing it to learn about being helpful, responsible, and
26
What sort of wierd undermining of women is this article? If I feel stressed out and too busy, I will trust my own self that I am too stressed out and too busy, without gaslighting myself that I'm telling a "false story" or having to track--and prove--on paper, with so-called "measurables," that my feelings are justified.
39
I agree...isn't how we feel really what's important, anyway? We all have different thresholds. Having four kids, period, and nothing else, would put me over the edge.
7
Yes, she has a nanny and a flexible job but her life does seem a bit manic at times as I read about how many activities she crammed into one week.
I've read several of Ms. Vanderkams's books and I tracked my time for a while, which was revealing and insightful. I am more cognizant now of how I spend my time, the time of day when I'm most productive and time of day when I need to stop trying to get things done because I'm. Just. Too. Worn. Out. I also plan out my weekends now (a tip I picked up from her). My weekends used to be very unstructured (hey that's what a weekend is for, right?) but on Sunday evening I was lamenting the fact that key tasks did not get done and favorite activites did not happen.
We're all different. Take what you can out of this. It's an interesting way of looking at your time and making it work for you, whatever your situation.
I've read several of Ms. Vanderkams's books and I tracked my time for a while, which was revealing and insightful. I am more cognizant now of how I spend my time, the time of day when I'm most productive and time of day when I need to stop trying to get things done because I'm. Just. Too. Worn. Out. I also plan out my weekends now (a tip I picked up from her). My weekends used to be very unstructured (hey that's what a weekend is for, right?) but on Sunday evening I was lamenting the fact that key tasks did not get done and favorite activites did not happen.
We're all different. Take what you can out of this. It's an interesting way of looking at your time and making it work for you, whatever your situation.
13
humble-bragging?
18
"even with help from a nanny"
"nanny"
"Nanny"
"NANNY"
"nanny"
"Nanny"
"NANNY"
17
No mention of time spent with children or at their schools, no mention of who does most of the cleaning and laundry, who does the grocery shopping and typical errands (dry cleaners, pharmacy etc). No mention of what her husband does.
Just so much not addressed...
Just so much not addressed...
22
What I want to know is how much time did the author spend filling out her logs?
3
Read the article and you may find out!
3
She covers that in the article.
2
I missed that section! :-)
I'm impressed I would have thought it would have taken more time than that.
I'm impressed I would have thought it would have taken more time than that.
This is really interesting, and worth thinking about. One primary issue for me that I don't see really covered is that my days are chopped up into many different activities with short intervals in between. I don't doubt that if I add up all those intervals, my "free" time is significant. But I think maybe what makes me feel so busy is that I am jumping from thing to thing to thing and I've found it hard to use those intervals productively or for something meaningful.
23
You are correct. As the author David Levitin states in the book The Organized Mind there is no real multi tasking. There is only frantic plate spinning. It is more important to make simple and better decisions that purposely guide our lives. I professionally see too many children who are anxious and stressed because they are frantically attempting to perform well enough to be recognized by their parents, teachers or peers who are too busy themselves to notice them. This type of thinking is where childhood anxiety is created and thrives.
4
While I agree she's writing from a privileged place, if you have four kids under 8 and two working parents that travel, a nanny is by far the cheapest childcare option (unless you have friends or relatives willing to chip in for free).
12
Why in the world would a couple who both travel for work choose to have four kids? At best, the kids will learn they're like pieces in a puzzle, to be fitted in as needed depending on the priorities that evidently take precedence but recognize that their parents love them and that life is always a game. And that's about as positive a spin as I can put on it.
4
A good nanny is priceless. OUrs was daytime only, and was like a member of our family for the 4 years she was with us. When she had a baby, I asked her to bring him to our house each day; my only child had the feeling of being "big bro," which lasted for quite a few years after she no longer worked for us and relocated.
1
Great to be able to have a nanny and family members. But if you're part of the lower end, you may be cobbling 2 or 3 jobs to keep food on the table and a roof overhead. I doubt those women have much time to keep journals current when they're running from hither to post.
Let's talk about those women who work days and/or nights at jobs with no benefits or wages above subsistence. How do you help those women to find a life/work balance.
A 30 hour job here, a 20 hour job there....that 50 hours right there. Suddenly those moments of exercise or massage are just gone with the wind.
I appreciate your desire to share your struggles, Ms. Vanderkam, but your issues don't even touch on the real working women of this country...the cleaning services, the cashiers, the sales ladies, the call center workers....to the rest of the women....you live in fantasy land. Most of the the rest of us tell ourselves lies about how much more time we are spending as parents to make ourselves feel better about the small amount of time some of us actually get to spend with our families.
sorry I cannot be more sympathetic.
http://wifelyperson.blogspot.com/
Let's talk about those women who work days and/or nights at jobs with no benefits or wages above subsistence. How do you help those women to find a life/work balance.
A 30 hour job here, a 20 hour job there....that 50 hours right there. Suddenly those moments of exercise or massage are just gone with the wind.
I appreciate your desire to share your struggles, Ms. Vanderkam, but your issues don't even touch on the real working women of this country...the cleaning services, the cashiers, the sales ladies, the call center workers....to the rest of the women....you live in fantasy land. Most of the the rest of us tell ourselves lies about how much more time we are spending as parents to make ourselves feel better about the small amount of time some of us actually get to spend with our families.
sorry I cannot be more sympathetic.
http://wifelyperson.blogspot.com/
41
I appreciate your mostly well-thought-out comments, Wifely, but this one was off the mark. The author makes no pretense: she speaks of her life and her life only. Every one of us with time to read and respond to this or any other online article is more privileged than 90+% of humans on this planet. Should we therefore share nothing of our challenges and struggles because, well, others have it so much tougher?
6
Others have already pointed out the author's privileges -- I'm sure she would agree that she has it better than most others.
But the underlying problem with this piece is the author's fundamental assertion that all working women are misunderstanding their own lives and feelings, and that she somehow knows better!
"You feel like hell all the time, but really, your life is great!" Maybe the total hours she spends reading magazines gives her some solace, but it is not mere misperception that is causing millions of women to think there is something unsustainable about the set up of their lives.
The tone of the piece shocked me, to say the least.
But the underlying problem with this piece is the author's fundamental assertion that all working women are misunderstanding their own lives and feelings, and that she somehow knows better!
"You feel like hell all the time, but really, your life is great!" Maybe the total hours she spends reading magazines gives her some solace, but it is not mere misperception that is causing millions of women to think there is something unsustainable about the set up of their lives.
The tone of the piece shocked me, to say the least.
81
YES!! This, exactly. I appreciate the idea that we all need to be more mindful, but the tone really chafed. It's not necessarily the number of hours, either - it's the feeling of constantly having to rush from one thing to another, always on the verge of being late, and the number of activities that are actually at the *same* time. Not all hours are created equal.
11
I do feel like there wasn't enough caveats to this piece. I found the imprecision of the content more offensive than the content itself. With the subtitle "with four kids and a full-time job", you are expecting something different than a piece of writing from your typical Silicon Vally, you-need-to-optimize-your-time guru.
It is all fine and well that we all proclaim ourselves to be busy, including single and childless people. But this article is pointed at - let's face it - mothers - and the incredulity that "they can't seem to find the time"....
It is all fine and well that we all proclaim ourselves to be busy, including single and childless people. But this article is pointed at - let's face it - mothers - and the incredulity that "they can't seem to find the time"....
3
I was hoping for a list of lies to see if I've told any to myself. Unfortunately, I don't have time to read about someone else's schedule, especially one with so much math. After writing this comment, I have to 1) finish my coffee, 2) eat breakfast, 3) take a shower and get dressed, 4) think about doing all the work that's been piling up and decide what's a priority . . . although I might have to rewatch an episode of The Office on Netflix just to take a quick a break . . .
12
I agree! It would be worthwhile to exploring "the busy person's lies." "I'm busy" is shorthand for all kinds of things, from "I can only juggle 5 tasks at a time, and you're trying to hand me #6" to "I want some time for myself, and I can tell that you won't accept that as an answer."
4
I'll take a shortcut here: the point is to pay attention to your life, day by day, and have some awareness of whether it makes sense to you. On balance, are you getting what you hope to get? Does the satisfaction of raising a decent family and having good interpersonal relationships count, even if you don't get unlimited "me" time? Is your work truly nothing but a millstone around your neck? I personally would not go so far as to track my time in such great detail, but this article seems to make the right points about being honest with yourself about your life, on a daily basis and over the long term.
14
Read the article carefully and maybe you'll get the point: complaining is habit-forming.
12
Ah yes, all those leisurely hours spent reading, then feeling 'busy' the rest of the time. I know about that all too well - I spend far too much time reading articles like this in the NY Times and other online outlets.
Can I make a category on my time spread sheet called Searching for Enlightenment? It sounds so much nobler than simply "reading".
Can I make a category on my time spread sheet called Searching for Enlightenment? It sounds so much nobler than simply "reading".
87
Sorry, I can't relate to this article at all. Most people can't afford a nanny. Some, like myself, don't have family nearby to help with the kid or kids. A lot of families are living paycheck to paycheck, and don't have near the choices and luxuries Mrs. Vanderkam has.
10
You leave your toddlers alone at home? I know only two type of childcare: daycare or nanny. With two kids nanny maybe cheaper!
One of the author's books is "168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think" (published in 2011). Some of the more critical reviews raise points similar to these comments.
1
Why don't you study single blue collar mothers and people who work 10-15 hours per day and come home literally exhausted and aching in every bone? I already knew that highly paid white collar workers have it good. Incidentally when I say I worked 70 hours it's because I clocked 40 at my morning job and 30 at my night job. Blue collar workers don't have to estimate the number of hours worked. It's recorded on our pay stubs.
I'm excited to know that your life is easier than you thought. I'll rest better tonight.
I'm excited to know that your life is easier than you thought. I'll rest better tonight.
26
So someone feels as if they aren't spending enough time with their family, but logs it at a certain number of hours deemed acceptable, so its ok? Somehow I think the overriding aspect here is the first part, not the second.
I'm not clear on what we're accomplishing by trying to quantitatively override our feelings.
I'm not clear on what we're accomplishing by trying to quantitatively override our feelings.
10
As I read this article and had that little gagging problem that I couldn't quite put my finger on I was relieved to read the "Readers' Picks" comments which better put words to my suspicions.
It's still hard to understand how there can be women with such a narrow vision of life. What percent are these women? What percent are the women who are truly busy - working an hourly awful job, or more than one job, bearing all the child rearing and housekeeping duties, caring for elderly parents, etc.?
It's still hard to understand how there can be women with such a narrow vision of life. What percent are these women? What percent are the women who are truly busy - working an hourly awful job, or more than one job, bearing all the child rearing and housekeeping duties, caring for elderly parents, etc.?
14
After my wife died prematurely a few years ago, one very close buddy kept trotting out the "too busy" card every time I wanted to get together. It became apparent after a few months that he was avoiding me, and that busyness was just an excuse. Hell, I was now a single parent and if anyone was busy, it was me! Now I challenge my friends; "c'mon, you can make time, you know it!" I'm going to keep this article for fodder.
7
get better friends.
9
I'm sorry about your wife. I suspect your friend just didn't know how to deal with that level of tragedy, although I'd be upset, too.
1
So, in the end, this is an article about someone who isn't that busy, but thought she was. That doesn't mean that there are not people who are not ACTUALLY busy and stressed for time.
18
You lost me (and I expect, most readers) at "if I work 37.4 hours a week"......most Americans can only dream of working less than 50, 60, even 70 hours a week. And it's not just the additional hours of work, it is the additional stress those extra work hours give us that makes us feel like there is never enough time for anything else but work and sleep.
17
I think that people often have a need to present themselves as busy and harried, as though that equalled success. Hence the ridiculous lengths people have to go through, especially in NY, to make social plans.
14
This seems like another salvo from a "working mom" aimed at women who stay home or need to hire help with cleaning, child care, etc. Moms who cook regularly, transport their children to multiple activities, do all the laundry and keep the house clean have plenty to do, but essays like this make them out to be slackers. It's anti-feminism in my view. Feminism is about choice, not implying that women who choose traditional roles are incompetent.
13
too harsh.
3
Everyone who works or not needs to do laundry, clean, cook... Much easier for those who don't work!
Today's housewives are often slackers. I was a working mom and was as involved as any of them in my child's school and other activities, but somehow my house was organized, clean, and the cupboards full. I knew housewives who left clean laundry on a bed in the spare room to grab and go; who call take-out Costco pizza Friday and Tuesday night eat-in pizza a good meal plan, and who could not find the time to alphabetize their spices a sign of how busy they were. But loads of time for facebook (i am not on that time sucker) and going to starbucks (my 2 cups are enjoyed at home, made by my dear husband).
2
I look at this article as if she saying that people like her, by that I mean fairly well of, should maybe stop their stressing and appreciate what they have. As many people have said, the sad truth is too many people and, I include men here, do not have the flexibility to adjust their time in a way that she can.
It would be nice if more companies felt a little more loyalty to their workers than their stock holders which a lot of the times they are the biggest stock holders. I avoid there as much as possible but I had to shake my head one day in our local Walmart. On the wall was a big poster bragging about the money they give to charity. All I could think was, "why not pay your people better, make them full time, and give them some benefits instead. The truth is a lot of your people are going to those charities for help". Many people do not have time because they are forced to work two part time jobs with low pay and no benefits. These are the people who deserve a break.
It would be nice if more companies felt a little more loyalty to their workers than their stock holders which a lot of the times they are the biggest stock holders. I avoid there as much as possible but I had to shake my head one day in our local Walmart. On the wall was a big poster bragging about the money they give to charity. All I could think was, "why not pay your people better, make them full time, and give them some benefits instead. The truth is a lot of your people are going to those charities for help". Many people do not have time because they are forced to work two part time jobs with low pay and no benefits. These are the people who deserve a break.
24
I am fortunate to have really excellent time management skills, and I think I was to some extent born with them, because I've always been this way. Thankfully, my husband is the same way. This means that as a couple, we've been able to develop very efficient ways of doing things, which essentially buys us leisure time. For example (and I learned this one from him), we have a list system. We have back-ups of basic items, like toilet paper or dish detergent or what have you. Whenever one of us finishes one thing and opens another, we automatically write it on the list, which hangs on a clipboard in the kitchen, so that we can add it to our weekly grocery list. (Our kids did this, too, when they were younger, and use the system themselves as adults.) That way, we never run out of anything. I've observed that people seem to lose a lot of time because they suddenly realize they don't have something they need and have to run out to the store. Just a small point, but I think if you can find small ways to streamline your household efficiency, it can really add up!
66
You're fortunate in your husband picking skill as well, I'd say.
9
LOL, drache - he is my second! The first was not such a good choice. I had to learn the hard way... ;-)
9
I don't know. I do such things to minimize the logistics ; but it with 2 young kids, the domestic chores still seem never ending.
2
This article is really frustrating. I have a full time job, 4 children and yes, a lot of privileges that make it a little bit easier. I have tracked my sleep so I get an average of 4.5 hours of sleep during the week and try to make it all right by one night on the weekends where I get close to 8. When I say I am busy, it is because I wake up most morning at 6:30, get my kids ready for school, make it to work by 9, come home around seven, feed the kids and help them with homework until they go to bed at 9 and then work from home until I pass out from exhaustion (usually to only be woken up in the middle of the night). I spent Saturdays and Sundays running around taking them to their events and yes, working some more. Does that mean that I don't read the paper for 30 minutes at my desk a day thereby giving me time to post this complaint? No. But it does mean that 30 minutes was the "me" time that I got that day. Busy includes the kids! Yes, I love them and enjoy doing things with them, but gone are the hobbies, the regular exercise, the avid book reading. The things I want to do and would do if I weren't so "busy". I wish I were lying and sitting around eating bon bons while telling everyone I was working, but that isn't the truth. And thank you to the other women who commented about commuting time and down time. Are we really at a point where we aren't allowed to relax for 15 minutes without being seen as slackers?
79
Is it news that children are a lot of work and four children are even more work?
7
I think just doing nothing now and again is highly underrated.
My whole life I've occasionally embraced my inner "laziness"
and I suspect it's been useful for my peace of mind.
My whole life I've occasionally embraced my inner "laziness"
and I suspect it's been useful for my peace of mind.
10
You seem a whole different level of busy. I’m in awe but worried how anybody can survive on 4.5 hours a sleep during the week… You’re no slacker.
2
I, too, am somewhat ambivalent -- raising four children while working full time was HARD. I wonder, how many hours would have gone into the log purely devoted to stress and exhaustion? Back then, I bought sets of multi-colored pens, to color-code my paper calendar -- one color per child, one for work, one for "home," none for me. I couldn't hand the baby over to my husband and say "your turn," because frankly, he was a bit of a disaster with the kids. A "fifth child." And in the period of time I freelanced and consulted, I often fretted about how to bill the hours I spent awake half the night, sorting work out in my head.
But this is still a great read. I wish I'd had it, during those years. We can all be more mindful -- even if our lives are not like the writer's. We can apply what works, rethink some things, consider whether "the story" itself is part of the problem.
But this is still a great read. I wish I'd had it, during those years. We can all be more mindful -- even if our lives are not like the writer's. We can apply what works, rethink some things, consider whether "the story" itself is part of the problem.
5
I appreciate the sentiment behind this article - that we really have more time than we think. What is hard for me is the feeling that every free moment should somehow be productive. If I know I have 45 minutes between getting home from work and meeting my daughter at the bus, I often struggle with the notion that I should either clean that bathroom that desperately needs attention, read that magazine that I've been meaning to catch up on, answer emails, or take the dog who's been cooped up all day for a longer walk. Sometimes I waste time trying to figure out how best to use the snippets of free time that pop up throughout the day. I suppose we have to give ourselves permission to be less anxious about whether we're always spending our time wisely. Sometimes sitting on the stoop in the sun for a few moments doing nothing in particular is the best use of the time we have.
51
Yes...sometimes we need to just BE.
12
This author and those like her are shills for the neoliberal economy, convincing us that it's our fault we don't have enough time, that we don't use our resources wisely, and not systematic injustice that contributes to this state of affairs, while corporations and their elite grow their incomes and the rest stagnate or worse.
62
I do find that kids (little ones in my case) tend to lead to the greatest inefficiencies in the day. Subtract the time it takes to cook, change, feed, entertain (ideally without a screen), chauffeur, bathe, dress and get them to fall asleep at night, and I do think I too would have lots more time. While there is something endearing to having them want to be with you ALL the time, not having (or being able to afford) someone around to distract (sorry, engage) them while you go find your zen is a major impediment to discovering space that isn't already completely overrun, filled with toys, or rewritten in markers and crayon.
17
"I do find that kids (little ones in my case) tend to lead to the greatest inefficiencies in the day"
Agree...and what a shame we have trouble to find the space to savor these inefficiencies that make life meaningful
Agree...and what a shame we have trouble to find the space to savor these inefficiencies that make life meaningful
9
My child was never a chore for me. He was always my greatest joy. He still is. And I had a busy life. It is all in how you look at the meaning of life.
So many people have ignored her idea because of who she is. Let's take a look at her idea. Track your life to see if you are spending time on activities that are not important to you. Take the data and adjust your activities to fit your priorities. If your narratives are confirmed, then you've proven her wrong. You are really busy and she is just an example of the overprivileged. Or, perhaps there is something you could change in your life. Test it before you discount it.
15
I have no idea who she is, but I've tracked my time to adjust routines many times over the years, and I suspect I'm a lot older than the author. Yes, it can be helpful. I think the things that are setting off a lot of people is her assertion that people are lying about being busy and that her "solutions" all require money or other resources that most of us don't have, such as nannies and/or a helpful husband and family.
7
To read that Laura Vanderkam needed "catch up" by working late at night, on weekends, and of all times, on "vacations," really belies the notion that today's professionals have adequate time. Indeed, when one cannot take a vacation without having work responsibilities when does one get the mental respite of a break from work?
Amy Mahon works 60 hours per week, and believes that "there's time for it all." When is Ms. Mahon preparing her meals and eating? Or is someone else doing her shopping, cooking, and cleaning? Is she squeezing in lunch while working? Does she eat dinner at 9:30 p.m. or 10:00 p.m. when she get home at night? When, if at all, does Ms. Mahon find time to be at the gym? Or have time to reconnect each day with her spouse?
Time can be managed over short periods, but that is simply not sustainable over the course of a career. Simply put, one can read War and Peace in 20 minute increments each day, but that does not provide the mental enrichment as reading in long blocks each day. And professionals need time to rest their minds, to build new skills, to learn new things. Absent this growth through leisure time, a professional simply isn't able to focus and work at the same pace over the course of a long career.
Amy Mahon works 60 hours per week, and believes that "there's time for it all." When is Ms. Mahon preparing her meals and eating? Or is someone else doing her shopping, cooking, and cleaning? Is she squeezing in lunch while working? Does she eat dinner at 9:30 p.m. or 10:00 p.m. when she get home at night? When, if at all, does Ms. Mahon find time to be at the gym? Or have time to reconnect each day with her spouse?
Time can be managed over short periods, but that is simply not sustainable over the course of a career. Simply put, one can read War and Peace in 20 minute increments each day, but that does not provide the mental enrichment as reading in long blocks each day. And professionals need time to rest their minds, to build new skills, to learn new things. Absent this growth through leisure time, a professional simply isn't able to focus and work at the same pace over the course of a long career.
45
I don't have time to read all of this.
35
I was sorry to see all the negative responses to this article. I believe the purpose was to examine your 24 hour day and determine if there is more time for leisure pursuits and to ask yourself if your really as busy as you think? Don't get hung up on the fact that she has a nanny or receives a massage; examine your own 24 hour day and determine if you have time you may not be ware of. I will track my own 24 hour day after reading this. My excuse for not exercising is my 50+ week and on call responsibilities. I believe, as the author suggests, there is probably room on my calendar if I want it to be there.
16
I love Laura's books, and I have also written/spoken/consulted on time management for working parents (I mostly focus on dads in intensive careers). In my experience, the details of everyone's lives are different, but for those fortunate enough to have enough money to make ends meet, the vast majority have more time than they think they do.
The best advice I can give (and I try to walk my talk) is to make sure to spend at least 3 hours a week exercising, 2 hours with your spouse outside the house together, and at least 1 special hour just doing something fun/relaxing/unplanned with each kid per week. There is enough time for this- and possibly a lot more. The lawn can get a little shaggy- it's ok.
The best advice I can give (and I try to walk my talk) is to make sure to spend at least 3 hours a week exercising, 2 hours with your spouse outside the house together, and at least 1 special hour just doing something fun/relaxing/unplanned with each kid per week. There is enough time for this- and possibly a lot more. The lawn can get a little shaggy- it's ok.
8
I believe that "I don't have time" is shorthand for something bigger, something that includes not just time but alertness, focus, and emotional balance. "I don't have enough time" rarely means "every half-hour slot in my calendar, from the time I wake up to when I go to bed, is full of important and meaningful activities." It usually means "I am stressed and harried," which may only superficially be about time management. Too many competing imperatives, too many items on the to-do list, too many unrealistic expectations (either internal or from other people) is exhausting. Ironically, expecting that even if every half-hour of the day will be used for some productive purpose increases this stress, by adding yet another imperative to the list.
79
This is the most meaningful comment I've read, and while I somewhat agree with most comments that this piece is about how the privileged class lives, I think it misses the entire underlying point: people feel overwhelmed and stressed, all the time. I'm genuinely a very busy person, but even I know that I have plenty of time in the day to do all of the things I need to do and most of the things I want to do. But if I say I'm "busy," that actually means that life is stressful right now -- one teenager needs psychiatric care, I have to meet high expectations at work, I worry about how I'm parenting the young kids, I have a list a mile long of things to take care of for the house and family. There isn't much inner peace in a life like many of us seem to live today.
14
Being an adult with a full time job and frequently wondering where my time went, I thought to give this piece a read. While there is some great relevance here in the practice of tracking one's time and then analyzing those time logs afterwards, I have to say that as I went on reading this article, I felt much of the same from the other two top comments here.
This seemed to pander to someone only like myself - working a white collar desk job, salaried, living in relative comfort - simply put, privileged. While I related to it (simply because I share a similar situation) there was a great deal of estrangement I felt as this article hardly seemed to consider the much wider, much more sizable demographics who truly are busy and struggling to find time. Those who can't afford "nanny's" or who have no family to fall back on. And in that sense, this article and the argument it presents simply fell flat.
This seemed to pander to someone only like myself - working a white collar desk job, salaried, living in relative comfort - simply put, privileged. While I related to it (simply because I share a similar situation) there was a great deal of estrangement I felt as this article hardly seemed to consider the much wider, much more sizable demographics who truly are busy and struggling to find time. Those who can't afford "nanny's" or who have no family to fall back on. And in that sense, this article and the argument it presents simply fell flat.
64
Certainly it's a positive reminder not to "waste" precious time -- something so many of us do. But one thing I found striking about the article is that the author assumes a boundless supply of physical and emotional energy? In my experience, and from observing friends and loved ones, one of the big issues with time management seems to be how work and chores can cause people to feel physically and emotionally exhausted when they do have "free" time. Feeling overwhelmed or stressed or exhausted makes it very difficult to maximize all those little pockets of "free time." It sounds like the author was able to be particularly resilient and leap into moments of relaxation or leisure where she could find them without the physical or emotional strain of other demands on her time holding her back.
83
My issue with Mrs. Vanderkam's book was the same as with this article.. she admittedly focuses on women with high incomes (in her book, women who make over $100k per year). I was hoping she would uncover real strategies for working women who also have children or other responsibilities. Instead, I found continuous references to leaving early some days, coming in late some days, making up hours on the weekend or in the evening. Many corporations do not support these flexible schedules. There is still a large emphasis, particularly for teams, on face time, being available, making meetings early in the morning or towards the end of the day, hallway conversations, etc.
213
I think the author misses one crucial point. Juggling multiple tasks requires tremendous mental resources. That gives us the feeling of being stressed even if we are working fewer hours than we think. Perception is everything. As a single mother of two who works part time and volunteers up to 10 hours a week, this article is a complete joke.
82
How can you raise a family on a part-time salary? Or is there something I don't know and should know!
I suppose she might get used to it at some point, but I find it hard to believe that the author logging her activities would expressly impact the way in which she spent her time. So the juxtaposition of this data with a Gallup poll seems, at best, flawed.
2
Just two, no three brief comments: She has a nanny. She has enough money. She has a NANNY. Seriously?
She is not my "us".
She is not my "us".
237
Any chance the author might provide a copy or example of a daily log time sheet in case we readers wanted to take a stab at this (and perhaps, provide an example as to quantify the time segment activities when making an assessment afterwards)? Or this something we should instead expect to find in her book? Thanks for the nice article, in any case.
4
So the way to have free time is to hire a nanny, take weekends off, and miraculously secure 4 weeks of vacation? Cool, got it.
310
I love how the author breezily glosses over this fact: "even with help from a nanny and from family". She is very privileged, and borderline sanctimonious.
49
You lost me at "nanny." It explains your comfort and ease with choosing to spend so much time apart from your "four under eight." Most women out here in the trenches of motherhood have no such luxury. Your 'look at me juggling it all' act is tiresome and elitist.
176
I am struck by the steady hum of mania that is present throughout Ms. Vanderkam's article. I observed the muscles in my neck and shoulders were tight and painful after merely reading this screed.
Why does she think it necessary to have 4 children? Or a demanding job? And what kind of environmental cost comes from flying from coast to coast and making meetings in Florida?
Be happy, by all reasonable means, but leave some room for the rest of us that do not feel it necessary to "take our share" before it is all gone.
Why does she think it necessary to have 4 children? Or a demanding job? And what kind of environmental cost comes from flying from coast to coast and making meetings in Florida?
Be happy, by all reasonable means, but leave some room for the rest of us that do not feel it necessary to "take our share" before it is all gone.
24
Spreadsheeting your life is as crazy as living on social media. Go to the park or a museum, with or w/o kids, and live!
13
Just another manifestation of our relentless obsession with ourselves...
2
It seems peculiar to think that having 4 children could possibly not create a lack of time...? And why would any mother want the additional chore of "tracking her time" when the net benefit is not actually worth it. Really? You don't work as much as you think? Wow, that feels great--we all feel better already!!! Not to discount re-framing one's experience to de-stress, but this article is about the kind of privilege that most don't have access to.
8
In the minds of many, busy = important. Tech is giving us the illusion of being relentlessly busy because the diversions it propagates chew up our concentration and ability to focus. Another very important element is choice: if I choose to go to 2 concerts, a lecture and take a 2 Italian lessons in a week, I feel very overbooked, but this is my choosing, not necessity.
17
I am sure she has maid as well as a nanny and supportive family members and a car and a PPO and all the trappings of what upper class people just see as "normal" and what is this book "Successful Women"? is that big money earners who follow status quo, racing to nowhere and who farm out their lives with nannies, shrinks, handy men and tutors..... get real...
20
Anyone who would take time to write a log of how they spend each hour of their life and then analyze it clearly has too much time on their hands to begin with and cannot pretend to be as busy as the people who legitimately suffer with an overcrowded schedule due to work, family and other significant demands. So, to me this person is defacto unqualified to write about the truly busy person. Respectfully yours, a successful professional woman with kids who really is very busy -- no lie!
12
Curious how much time per week the reader spent filling out her time sheet?
2
Article states she spent about 3 minutes a day time-tracking.
2
Commuting time? Oh, that's right...she's a writer who has more flexibility managing her hours than those of us who need to be physically - and mentally - present at work. Also, it must be nice with a competent nanny, active family support and involved husband. And there's money left over for massages and solo trips! If I had any ONE of these elements, of course I might have more free time. I would say much more on this topic, but I need to get back to WORK.
142
I believe this article. My sister who has one child, doesn't work always claims she is SO busy. She makes the whole family work around her busy schedule. Facts do matter. She makes herself believe she is busy and she is doing all the things she wants to do. How lucky she is and how stupid we are who work and have children are to believe her busy is most important.
6
Um....even just one child, especially a little one, can be TREMENDOUSLY time-consuming. It's not just the list you expect, that everyone gives: feeding, changing, dressing, transporting...It's the interruptions to your sleep cycle that make you so tired that even when you're "free," aka the kid finally took a nap or maybe is at a friend's house, you're going to take a nap yourself because who knows if you'll get to sleep tonight or not? No one. So your sister's "busy" may not look like yours, in that maybe she's not getting dressed up and having lots of meetings or phone calls, but she's "busy" doing all kinds of things the childless (or those who don't know anyone with small children) can't imagine: pulling toys out of toilets drains and sinks; fishing pennies out of throats and ears; scraping that gooey whatever-it-is off the wall; looking for that missing shoe...And when you're finally done with all that, sleep as much as you can, before it starts all over again.
4
The author mentions that she had significant help from a nanny and family in the first few paragraphs - but then doesn't factor this into her analysis at all. LIttle surprise then, that once crunching the numbers, she realizes she's not not as busy as she thought -- she has a NANNY! She's outsourcing much of her childcare and chores.
Wonder how her calculations would look like without all her hired and family help? Probably much closer to those "9 out of 10 working mothers," i bet.
Wonder how her calculations would look like without all her hired and family help? Probably much closer to those "9 out of 10 working mothers," i bet.
155
A woman with a full time job and four young children but no nanny wouldn't have time to either log her time or write this op ed.
I was a single mother for years (no help, not from family, nanny or ex) and it was a nightmare.
I was a single mother for years (no help, not from family, nanny or ex) and it was a nightmare.
3
As much as this article irritates me, would you leave 4!kids under the age of 8 alone at home? What do you suggest? I don't get it! I am a nurse, hardly in the 1%, and yes we had a nanny, then daycare and then a sitter to pick them up from school? What else do you suggest?
1
Good article. I learned many years ago during a stint as a training program administrator that I could either guard my time like a pitbull and work 5 days a week or put things on automatic and find myself having to work Saturdays. Once I started paying attention to all the time wasters in my office I found I could get a lot more done. But it sure wasn't easy and there sure are plenty of people and things that are just dying to steal your time. Like writing this comment.
60
How successful women make the most of their time: they have nannies, personal shoppers, secretaries and sometimes house husbands. Most importantly they have plenty of money!
19
While I think this is an interesting and very meaningful article, I also feel that not everyone can move efficiently and stress free at the pace the author describes; some people need different ratios of work and life. She fails to acknowledge variability in individual needs as they relate to coping to with demands and instead triumphs her lifestyle as a success; she de-emphasizes the presence of a nanny who may be the person her children are turning to for parenting. Some people need more time to relax; some people need a slower pace; some children need much more time from their parent(s).
15
Gee whiz Laura. How you just gloss over the "help from a nanny and family" part. I am betting you are in the 2% highest income too. So, auto breakdowns and food prep are barely a concern. Who does the laundry at your house. Everyone gets the same 24 hours a day. Yours are just a whole lot more pleasant than the mere mortals.
49
"The normal narrative laments the two late nights while ignoring Saturday, Sunday and the fact that she brings her daughter to school most days. “You need to look at it as a whole,” she says of her schedule. “There’s time for it all.”"
Really?
Really?
4
Well she is wealthy enough to have four children. Most of us have not had the opportunity -- much less the sense that having four children is probably two too many for the sake of our planet. And well, who is watching the kids when she is away making money giving speeches about how easy life is for those who can afford it? Who is cleaning the house? Who is driving her to the airport? Who is picking her up at the airport? Who is cooking and serving the food when she is "having dinner with friends?" And where by the way did she go on vacation?
20
This story is offensive.
33
When I was a child my Father made enough money at his Union job to allow my Mother to do hers. That's all gone now. Enjoy the 21st century brought to you by feminism, multiculturalism, and globalism. A world built on bad ideas not natural science and history.
2
As a longtime clinical psychologist I have realized that the major culprit that robs us of time is excessive anxiety. After a certain point anxiety serves no constructive purpose. A patient once likened anxiety to rocking in a rocking chair - lots of movement but getting nowhere.
13
"Even if I felt I was constantly packing lunches, I spent a mere 9.09 hours weekly on housework and errands."
Ahahahahaha!! Yeah um no.
The author has nicely monetized her world view. Well done. So once she has accounted for nanny and spouse and (presumed) housekeeper time and other essential minders of basic life necessities, and read the recent NYT article "Some Babies Are Easier Than Others" (14 Mar 2016), then maybe, maybe we can revisit the notion of an honest life accounting.
Ahahahahaha!! Yeah um no.
The author has nicely monetized her world view. Well done. So once she has accounted for nanny and spouse and (presumed) housekeeper time and other essential minders of basic life necessities, and read the recent NYT article "Some Babies Are Easier Than Others" (14 Mar 2016), then maybe, maybe we can revisit the notion of an honest life accounting.
21
Here we go, another feature article with too much information and loads of self-promotion in the guise of well-intended self-help.
Got it: she's rich, famous (?), happily married with kids, living in upper Manhattan, does plenty of business travel, living in hotels etc. (important note: but always sleeps alone).
Lost in the middle and in bits and pieces is advice on how women can better manage their time.
It's the kind of stuff one sees on LinkedIn, where one dare not snark, instead dutifully add the obligatory like to the 1500 already existing. But over here? Ho-hum.
But over here?
Got it: she's rich, famous (?), happily married with kids, living in upper Manhattan, does plenty of business travel, living in hotels etc. (important note: but always sleeps alone).
Lost in the middle and in bits and pieces is advice on how women can better manage their time.
It's the kind of stuff one sees on LinkedIn, where one dare not snark, instead dutifully add the obligatory like to the 1500 already existing. But over here? Ho-hum.
But over here?
23
Many of us who feel overwhelmed by work may not be spending 12 hours a day in the office, but we spend a lot of time away from work thinking about the problems we are trying to solve and the situations we are trying to manage at work. Leaving the office doesn't mean one isn't thinking about the next deadline. In addition, a lot of us work in situations where there is no way to get the job done, and where the backlog keeps growing, and the consequences of missed deadlines or other failures are dire. To me, this means that time away from the workplace is not necessarily time off from work, and isn't necessarily available -- and certainly not in an energized, fully-connected way. The comments pointing out that the demands on the writer's time are cushioned by her wealth are "right on the money" -- they are also cushioned by a supportive spouse and local family. Not many custodial parents have such benefits, and they aren't reflected anywhere on her spreadsheet -- they give her breaks from parental responsibility that many working parents don't have. So, all in all, the spreadsheet concept seems not only flawed, but calculated to increase the burden of debt and worry on parents who don't enjoy the abundant privileges of the writer.
13
The problem for many people--especially parents of small kids and those who do not work fixed hours--is not that one does not have any free time at all. It's that the free time often comes in random dribs and drabs. A block of uninterrupted time rarely happens. So you're not getting a full night's sleep but you took a nap. It takes a week to finish a two or three hour project because you worked on it half an hour at a time, etc.
26
Time is only part of the problem. Some years back, I had the opportunity to go on a business trip to Japan with some colleagues. They were both older and younger than I was. The older ones had mostly grown children. The younger ones had no children at all. When the business part of the trip was over, the others extended their tickets and took in the Great Wall or the Ankor Wat. I, however, had already used most of my vacation days and sick days on school visits and doctors' appointments. I was also needed back home for my fair share of midnight sheet-changing and driving to sports events.
So I never saw the sights of China or Cambodia. Not enough time. Or something.
So I never saw the sights of China or Cambodia. Not enough time. Or something.
9
I daresay the author has too much time on her hands. And by her own definition, a good deal of help from a nanny and family. Not to mention a husband who, although deemed a frequent traveler, must be at home at some point in time to have contributed to the procreation of four children. Unless of course a paid donor was used in an effort to save some time?
15
By the fourth paragraph, I'd had enough. Once more upper-class white women are given a podium to condescend to the rest of us.
251
I agree, and I'm what you'd call an upper class white woman. And as others pointed out, sometimes it's the emotional and mental energy that takes up time, not just where your body is during the day. After a very stressful say at work in a hospital, I don't just flip into karaoke mode. And as for the ICU fellow cited as an example, you don't just finish a 2 day work stretch without sleep and fall into quality leisure time as soon as you wake up.
8
I find it problematic that the supposed takeaway from this article of a family so well-off it can afford a nanny is that busy people aren't as busy as they think.
116
Back in the dark ages when I was in public accounting we had to account for our work hours. It was not only done so that clients could be billed but also as a measure of our "productivity". You were meant to have as high a billable time ratio as possible. A few quarters my rate was over 100%. And then there was the administrative time on top of that. After the first couple years unassigned time went away.
I think this early recordkeeping requirement has been helpful in keeping me realistic about how I spend my time. One of the joys of retirement is "wasting" time.
I think this early recordkeeping requirement has been helpful in keeping me realistic about how I spend my time. One of the joys of retirement is "wasting" time.
1
The funny thing is I do not resent the fact that the author of this opinion piece has a nanny and family support. With four children, she is fortunate to have them. Why is that the first thing people bristle up about? So, since this author is fortunate indeed, she should not write about this subject? She cannot possibly have anything to teach us? Her opinion and research is of no value? Her circumstances don't count? Her day spent taking care of her (rather interesting sounding) life don't matter? If she were poor and struggling with four children would readers care more? To me, that's just silly. Not everyone is the same, circumstances differ for us all. Some of us struggle more than others. But I'm always willing to learn something new.
And as for the time tracking thing, I don't think it's an outrageous concept. For a one time thing, it might work in helping someone manage their lives a bit better. Absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. I see no conspiracy under every rock. My daughter has two young children, a full time job and a house to manage. She recently forgot her wedding anniversary coming as it did in the middle of a particularly busy time, so this article caught my interest. Anything that might help her feel less stress and perhaps manage time better is something I'm all for.
And as for the time tracking thing, I don't think it's an outrageous concept. For a one time thing, it might work in helping someone manage their lives a bit better. Absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. I see no conspiracy under every rock. My daughter has two young children, a full time job and a house to manage. She recently forgot her wedding anniversary coming as it did in the middle of a particularly busy time, so this article caught my interest. Anything that might help her feel less stress and perhaps manage time better is something I'm all for.
106
I started reading the article precisely because I hoped it had something worthwhile to offer. But it is clear that the article is written from a position of relative economic privilege. Doubtless the writer works extraordinarily hard, and I think your term, “fortunate,” fails to give her due credit for her work. But the self-assurance of this writing shows no consideration for those who work just as hard, yet are not so “fortunate.” And there are social and economic issues behind this disparity. It would have been realistic, and polite, for the writer to have acknowledged beforehand the issues rightly raised in many of these comments. (But clearly this article is self-promotion for the author's books, targeted to a generally privileged audience, to which I suppose I am "fortunate" to belong.)
12
You confuse bristling with relevance. Caring is not the issue. My mother did not work outside our home. But she filled up all of her time with activities that enriched the lives of my father and me and other neighbors and relatives. Today, families suffer because the time it takes to just make a living and deal with modern everyday responsibilities only works for those at the top of the income scale.
41
I think what people resent is that the author starts off citing opinions from 60 percent of working Americans and then goes on to argue that those opinions are wrong. How? By citing a few examples from well-off people who in no way represent average "working Americans."
I doubt readers begrudge her writing about her experiences. It is the assumption that those experiences are somehow applicable to the broader population that rubs people the wrong way, and rightly so. Anecdotes are not data -- nor should they be used to counter statistically valid survey results.
I doubt readers begrudge her writing about her experiences. It is the assumption that those experiences are somehow applicable to the broader population that rubs people the wrong way, and rightly so. Anecdotes are not data -- nor should they be used to counter statistically valid survey results.
2
"Time goes no matter what you do". This little phrase sums up everything. Isn't it time to start enjoying our very brief lives, grains of sand indeed. If that includes complaining on the internet so be it, but maybe we would be better off smelling the roses. Bye for now.
5
There may be plenty of time for everything, but I hate that "on a treadmil" feeling that every minute of non-sleeping time is spent doing "something". The thing I crave the most is time to do nothing, with no expectations that anything will get done. I think the generation before us babyboomers had this kind of time - but now not even our children or grandchildren do.
40
I worked full time and raised three children while my husband, a career Navy officer, was at sea or in Vietnam much of the time. While I was in the middle of this life, it was hard to see daylight sometimes. But now that the children are grown and my husband and I are retired, I see the many gifts I received.
One gift is never getting caught up in unimportant matters. Fold laundry? Forget that--throw it in the basket! Interfere over the raising of our grandchildren? Heck, I never had time to micromanage my own children; I'm not about to start with grandchildren.
Mostly, I know how to enjoy small pleasures. Having a leisurely cup of tea in the morning while reading online newspapers--a luxury out of reach for many years--reminds me how lucky I am now.
You only have young children at home for a very small percentage of your life. Learning to manage that will make the rest of your life easier and more enjoyable.
One gift is never getting caught up in unimportant matters. Fold laundry? Forget that--throw it in the basket! Interfere over the raising of our grandchildren? Heck, I never had time to micromanage my own children; I'm not about to start with grandchildren.
Mostly, I know how to enjoy small pleasures. Having a leisurely cup of tea in the morning while reading online newspapers--a luxury out of reach for many years--reminds me how lucky I am now.
You only have young children at home for a very small percentage of your life. Learning to manage that will make the rest of your life easier and more enjoyable.
11
This article should be titled "The Busy Privileged Person's Lies". It does not describe time management of the working class (those of the dissolved middle class) who have more obstacles, fewer choices, and who would be thrilled to work an average of 37.5 hours per week rather than the 50 -60 hours for which they receive no overtime.
38
Many women today put their careers before their family. There are women who do not have to work long hours but do so due to personal fulfillment. There is no more important job today than taking care of children and this woman seems to have succeeded in this very important endeavor. I think many people envy her and that is so unfortunate.
Another column lauding the exploits of a ...rich mother and her amazing time management skills..Sigh. So many of the Times articles are like this. This lady is not an example that most of us can relate to. Just saying guys...When you are rich, you get articles in the Times about you, when you are poor, you cannot even read these articles.
24
I was talking with an old German machinist many years ago in Fargo, ND. He said that he and his three employees were very busy keeping up with his customers needs. As he said, it was a good problem to have. He then looked at me and said, "we all have 24 hours in a day, and then we have the night too!". Yes, he was busy but he had a sense of humor as well!
1
I wonder if our issue with time comes from too much stimulation. too many options and too much of "switching gears" during the day. Maybe a little meditation would help.
7
She mentions solo time- does she spend any time with her husband?
4
This article seems to miss the point that free time is relative to the individual and not societal employment standards. 40 hours of work per week may seem reasonable to one and seem onerous to another. I agree that the concept of 'busy' is pervasive in our cultural dialog, however, I disagree that busyness is solely related to work hours spent. We can fill our time outside of work with a multitude of other tasks that burden our lives and contribute to overall feelings of exhaustion. What matters is that both the work that we do, and the activities we plan outside of work, feed us and do not drain us. This is unique to each person. Anyone can log their time and find out that they work less than they thought and that their chores are not as time-consuming as they believed. The feeling of busyness or exhaustion will remain if the work and/or life activities do not match the goals and ideals of the individual.
1
Disclaimer- Im a guy. But this discussion crosses genders.
IMHO, I find that life's little daily expectations usually come true.
Think you are having a stressful day? You will.
Think you don't sleep at night? You won't.
Think you work more than your co-workers? They become lazier.
Nowadays, there is an unwritten competition among friends and family over who is the busiest. Who the the martyr. It's become a badge of honor. Hours get embellished. Bedtimes are reported as later. Stress by the bucketload. All just to get our friends to sympathize with us. At the same time, our friends refuse to sympathize because they believe their day is more stressful than ours. To me, they just don't understand. To them, I just don't understand. Its a vicious, insidious cycle that just adds to the daily interactions of life.
This piece comes to a wonderful conclusion. EVERYONE is busy. And at the same time, no one really is.
IMHO, I find that life's little daily expectations usually come true.
Think you are having a stressful day? You will.
Think you don't sleep at night? You won't.
Think you work more than your co-workers? They become lazier.
Nowadays, there is an unwritten competition among friends and family over who is the busiest. Who the the martyr. It's become a badge of honor. Hours get embellished. Bedtimes are reported as later. Stress by the bucketload. All just to get our friends to sympathize with us. At the same time, our friends refuse to sympathize because they believe their day is more stressful than ours. To me, they just don't understand. To them, I just don't understand. Its a vicious, insidious cycle that just adds to the daily interactions of life.
This piece comes to a wonderful conclusion. EVERYONE is busy. And at the same time, no one really is.
4
Nice idea. I wonder how it would seem to someone who doesn't get any massages, doesn't have a husband who accepts "his turn", but instead expects her to serve him, who doesn't have a job that comes with esteem instead of abuse, that doesn't come with hotel stays, but a level of unpredictability that makes childcare a juggling act in addition to being an expense not really covered by minimum wages.
The problem with privilege is that it becomes the default that renders other people's lack of choice too unbelievable to give it credence.
The problem with privilege is that it becomes the default that renders other people's lack of choice too unbelievable to give it credence.
109
Absolutely.
.
.
1
You've got to love these 'studies' that imply that a lot of us actually have plenty of spare time, especially since they seem to all define 'free' time as whatever's not spent physically in the workplace. Now subtract from that all the time you're expected to carry a mobile (cell phone), as well as the time you're deemed instantly available to family members as well as (of course) The Office. What will your answer likely be? As the mathematicians like to put it, less than x for any x greater than zero.
10
Four vacation weeks? Sign me up! You cannot possibly think this is a realistic look at how working mothers spend their time? I do not know any working mothers who get 4 weeks vacation with a nanny and family help, which planet do you live on? I am just amazed when people like the writer get articles like this published! Why don't you follow a stay at home mom with 4 children and no help around instead of trying to make people feel as is this is some kind of normal for most working mothers!
219
Does it matter that they FEEL they overwork, spend insufficient time with family, and are sleep-deprived? People are not robots.
14
With all the "down" time maybe she should write a new book. Every moment should be packed I guess, and we should stop complaining. 8 massages in a year, what excess! This article makes me feel a little sick.
7
I agree with some of the other comments, in that this is a mostly upper middle class problem, and isn't an argument relevant to people who are working multiple jobs to make ends meet. However, if we were to limit this discussion to upper middle class people, I think this is predominantly a New York City problem. I spent quite a bit of time on the west coast, and I didn't hear as many people complaining that they are too busy. I think that living New York has become such a hassle-- it has become too crowded, has a crumbling infrastructure, and there are not enough resources to go around making it more time consuming to get around and get things done. It makes New Yorkers stressed out and miserable. In many cases, they might not be too busy, they might just be exhausted from the hassle of living here.
4
While the pace of life in NY is undoubtedly faster than on the West Coast, I assure you that people here are just as busy.
1
I stopped reading at "with help from a nanny and family."
17
I've noticed that in my professional peer group, some people turn their proclamations of busy-ness into a competition. This is hilarious, since we are all well-paid professionals with comfortable offices, assistants, and tremendous autonomy to arrive late, leave early, and shop online while at work.
The pinnacle came one day at the grocery store (during work hours) when I ran into a famously lazy colleague who immediately began competitively complaining about how busy she was...And then it slipped that she was busy because she needed to get a lot done before heading to Florida for a vacation!
The pinnacle came one day at the grocery store (during work hours) when I ran into a famously lazy colleague who immediately began competitively complaining about how busy she was...And then it slipped that she was busy because she needed to get a lot done before heading to Florida for a vacation!
11
As a professional woman who is taking a long break from work to care for my two young children, I find it incredible that the author did not share the quantity of time she spent with her four kids. Her argument is that we overestimate time spent on work, and tracking our hours will reveal the abundance of time we, in fact, spend on other things we value. So this author's time log reveals that she had massages, took long weekend runs, read books, spent solitary days at the beach. Of course, the entire family benefits when parents take some time for themselves. But the absence of any data about time, during the day, spent with her children is so strange. I expected the author to realize that she spends more time with her 4 kids than she had thought, but she barely mentions them.
It would be interesting to make a similar log for the kids (this author's or anyone's) to find out what they spend time on, and who they do it with.
It would be interesting to make a similar log for the kids (this author's or anyone's) to find out what they spend time on, and who they do it with.
347
You forgot the all-important "even with help from a nanny and from family" - you know, like everyone gets! (also what are the odds of that nanny being full time...)
5
Yes yes yes! to this comment. I couldn't figure out where the woman's children fit into her life or why she had so many when neither she or their father want to raise them.
1
So much time; so much to do - we all have the same 24 hours each day - I learned a long time ago saying you don't have time is almost always an excuse for not saying why you don't want to do something. It's one of the main socially acceptable excuses that you can't challenge. So it's a easy if not completely truthful way to get what you want .
3
this may be the most depressing op-ed i have ever read. it's the hamster rationalizing it's wheel.
203
a thoughtful essay with a contrarian point of view. I liked it. In retirement focus is hard, and the days fill up with activities. There are things in this essay that are important to remember.
1
Love the term "working mother". What mother isn't working?
5
working
ˈwərkiNG
adjective
1. having paid employment.
"the size of the working population"
synonyms: employed, in (gainful) employment, in work, waged
"working mothers"
ˈwərkiNG
adjective
1. having paid employment.
"the size of the working population"
synonyms: employed, in (gainful) employment, in work, waged
"working mothers"
Working as in making a living. Even working mothers shop, cook, clean the kitchen. I find actually folding laundry quite relaxing!
omg, just reading this article made me anxious. I mean, more spreadsheets?! time to stop reading someone else's neurotic attempt to figure it out.
35
Having recently retired I now find myself viewing my days as through a looking glass when it comes to productive activity. Segueing into having no or very little demands on my time means that I still come to the end of each day wondering how my time was spent productively -- if even just for me. I finally hit upon writing and checking a list of things to do daily. This "guide" allows me to see how much volunteer time takes, how cooking has become more of a daily routine instead of hitting the local deli, on and on. The list at the end of the day gives me a feeling of accomplishment.
I think we live in a society where a common yearning is to have nothing to do but I find that not having demands is its own demand.
I think we live in a society where a common yearning is to have nothing to do but I find that not having demands is its own demand.
2
The article doesn't mention one of my biggest problems, which is that I have many tasks that I hate doing, and it takes a lot of wearisome mental preparation to get myself to do them. Thus a one-hour task lasts two or three hours, with yes some surfing on line etc. because that is the best way to take my mind off the burden for a minute and give me a bit of courage to keep on going. And performing a task that you hate doing is much more tiring than doing the part of your job that you love. I don't even know how you can do time-tracking if you are multitasking or working on a wearisome task while doing a little surfing at the same time.
24
I agree and replied to another comment about how this author's proposal is really suited to only certain personality types.
4
I can't get over the amount of self-discipline it must take to document your entire life in detail in half-hour blocks for an entire year. Not to mention the amount of time it takes. I'm pretty good at self-discipline and efficiency, at least in those aspects of life that matter to me and in which I feel those qualities matter (not at all the same thing). But this reminds me of Frank Gilbreth's memoir 'Cheaper by the Dozen', except 1. shorter; 2. fewer kids; 3. not really that funny, when you think about it.
I'm glad the author found her life is 'not quite as hectic as [she] thought', but I wonder how many who undertake the same exercise would use the results not as an excuse to stop and smell the flowers but at reallocating their time and effort to reduce or eliminate those unproductive moments and become the corporate drones they complain about being.
For my part, I will appear today to be wasting much of my free time in monetarily unproductive activities. What I'm actually doing is wrestling with a plot and dialogue turning point in something I'm writing. At some point that downtime will bear fruit (though, again, not earning me anything but my own satisfaction). How do I log it? So many, perhaps too many, of my half-hour blocks would be filled in with A.A. Milne's line: 'Sometimes I just sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.'
I'm glad the author found her life is 'not quite as hectic as [she] thought', but I wonder how many who undertake the same exercise would use the results not as an excuse to stop and smell the flowers but at reallocating their time and effort to reduce or eliminate those unproductive moments and become the corporate drones they complain about being.
For my part, I will appear today to be wasting much of my free time in monetarily unproductive activities. What I'm actually doing is wrestling with a plot and dialogue turning point in something I'm writing. At some point that downtime will bear fruit (though, again, not earning me anything but my own satisfaction). How do I log it? So many, perhaps too many, of my half-hour blocks would be filled in with A.A. Milne's line: 'Sometimes I just sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.'
10
Right? And I think this speaks to why this person feels like they have more time than I, for example, feel I have—when I probably have MORE than her (one kid, not a baby, not self-employed, etc.). I think it is the way different people use and perceive time. I am not happy or comfortable having to be so precise with tracking things and parceling/compartmentalizing my time. I NEED the space and excess of time in order to feel comfortable and not stressed. My personality predisposes me to discomfort at tight schedules without adequate downtime. So, even if I have 168 hours a week, the idea of accounting for all of them turns my stomach.
5
I work in a well-paid white-collar field, and I tend to find that most of my colleagues and friends use the word "busy" at least a gazillion times every day (give or take a little bit).
Yet, when the conversations unfold, "busy" tends to include the gym, happy hours, grocery shopping for just one meal every day, updating social media, calling parents on the phone etc.
Yes, I do a lot of those things, but I don't use the word "busy" to describe my life because those are all choices that I make when considering how to spend my time. I work hard, but I don't consider myself "busy" when I have the luxury to decide whether to hit the gym or enjoy an evening with friends. That's a choice.
Now, consider someone who has to work three jobs just to put food on the table. That person has a god-given right to say they're "busy". But I rarely hear that word from those folks because they don't see it as a status symbol. Those like my good friend who works 12 hour shifts as a nurse, then waitresses four nights a week, and also attends school full-time to ensure she can fulfill her opportunities? She merely tells me - "I'm exhausted". She's not always happy about it, she's not always cheerful, but she's also not offering that information to proclaim her status. She tells me when I ask.
If I want to get married and have four children, then that's a wonderful choice that I may make. But unless my life forces that upon me, it's hard to consider that a contribution to being "busy".
Yet, when the conversations unfold, "busy" tends to include the gym, happy hours, grocery shopping for just one meal every day, updating social media, calling parents on the phone etc.
Yes, I do a lot of those things, but I don't use the word "busy" to describe my life because those are all choices that I make when considering how to spend my time. I work hard, but I don't consider myself "busy" when I have the luxury to decide whether to hit the gym or enjoy an evening with friends. That's a choice.
Now, consider someone who has to work three jobs just to put food on the table. That person has a god-given right to say they're "busy". But I rarely hear that word from those folks because they don't see it as a status symbol. Those like my good friend who works 12 hour shifts as a nurse, then waitresses four nights a week, and also attends school full-time to ensure she can fulfill her opportunities? She merely tells me - "I'm exhausted". She's not always happy about it, she's not always cheerful, but she's also not offering that information to proclaim her status. She tells me when I ask.
If I want to get married and have four children, then that's a wonderful choice that I may make. But unless my life forces that upon me, it's hard to consider that a contribution to being "busy".
59
I think a lot of people want to convince themselves and others that they're adequately busy - we all have to justify our own existences, and busy-ness seems to be the current currency. If you're not busy, you must not be important.
12
Rich people problems.
102
I find for myself that being at work for 10-12 hours does not necessarily equate to 10-12 hours of actual work. Working long hours is frequently considered a badge of honor and a necessity to advance in many professions. I've frequently found that when I need to be out on time (or early) that I work more proficiently and accomplish as much or more in 7-8 hours as I do in 10-12 hours.
8
Oh dear, I have just used up some spare time reading about this author's year tracking her own time. While we are on the use of time subject, I continue to encounter parents checking bright smart phones while attending theater or a musical performance with their children, despite the upfront remarks and appeals to take a vacation from their phones and enjoy a show. Most recently, a parent turned on their bright phone 30 min into a 45-min show in a very dark theater....in the front row (the Executive Director had to intervene...)! So does this parent really get to categorize their full 45-min of time as 'took child to theater'. Maybe just some more advise needed to live in the moment and to enjoy the time, and take a break from the tracking, notifying, recording, etc.
10
I didn't see any accounting for multitasking. Even as I type this I'm also eating breakfast and watching the morning news. Three tasks. Typically the only tv time revolves around watching Netflix on my Ipad when I cook or do dishes, or watching sports while folding laundry. Lunch is typically a business lunch or eaten at my desk.
Also how do you account for an hour commute to work - is it two hours of leisure (alone time) or work (phone calls returned)? Is gardening leisure or work? Mowing the lawn provides mental downtime - is it leisure or work?
Maybe multitasking and the labeling of time is what is driving our perception of not having any time.
Well, time to stop writing this and go to work.....
Also how do you account for an hour commute to work - is it two hours of leisure (alone time) or work (phone calls returned)? Is gardening leisure or work? Mowing the lawn provides mental downtime - is it leisure or work?
Maybe multitasking and the labeling of time is what is driving our perception of not having any time.
Well, time to stop writing this and go to work.....
75
I don't really think working people are any busier than they were, say, 30 years ago. But we are more self-absorbed, and we do spend more time on computers which can increase productivity, create the illusions of productivity, and waste time.
But what is really striking here is opening meme in light of what follows of Ms. Vanderkam's life. The more honest answer to the question "How's life?" should be "Oh, busy" but rather "Privileged."
But what is really striking here is opening meme in light of what follows of Ms. Vanderkam's life. The more honest answer to the question "How's life?" should be "Oh, busy" but rather "Privileged."
91
Many of the NY Times readers are very affluent people, so I understand the target audience of this piece. My wife and I are both public school teachers with the obligatory part time jobs that go with such a career choice. We choose to spend every available moment with our two children, and what a blessing that is. I am 'almost happy' that we have no nanny/babysitter options available to us. Our family time is what it is all about. Every moment with your children is precious, and is fleeting and will never come again.
5
30 years ago, you may have worked just as hard and for as many hours, but when you were off from work, you was generally off. So even if blending of work and leisure time hasn't changed the overall balance of hours worked (which I'm not sure is true), the lack of true time away from working has a psychic toll.
My Dad worked many hours, but when he took us to the park as kids, he was unplugged and could focus on the experience. How many of us today sneak looks at our phones to check work messages while supposedly enjoying a leisure activity?
My Dad worked many hours, but when he took us to the park as kids, he was unplugged and could focus on the experience. How many of us today sneak looks at our phones to check work messages while supposedly enjoying a leisure activity?
5
Could this writer please share any stories of how time is allocated for, say, a single mother who has two or three jobs and has to take multiple busses to work. Oh, and doesn't have a nanny. Thanks in advance.
548
It appears someone missed the audience for this article. The population is a bell curve. This article was never intended to discuss those at each extreme. How about after your article she then writes about wealthy couples who have no kids and don't need to work.
4
I'd also be interested in hearing how the working single mother without a nanny juggles those four weeks of vacation time.
7
I think you assumed this opinion piece was trying to say something it wasn't. I don't think the author intended to make some statement about how a particular individual (such as a single mother in your example) spends their time. Nor do I think she was trying to pass judgment on that person -- as you seem to have assumed. Rather, I think she is simply saying when she actually looked carefully on how she spends her time it turned out to be a lot less hectic than she assumed it was. She (and perhaps certain readers) focus on the long nights stuck at work not the positive moments spent with our family. When she stopped and carefully analyzed where her time went she was pleasantly surprised -- and its possible other readers may be as well. It is not a scientific study, it is an opinion piece in the Sunday Review.
5
I actually have been thinking a lot about this. I work full time and have a 1.5 year old. I often feel that I've wasted away my day, but it is because I spend so much time on the internet. When I finally put away my phone and do something (cook, exercise, spend time with my husband, my hobbies!) I feel so much better. Check email here, facebook and twitter there, and soon we've been online for hours each day. I truly think that phones and the internet are sucking what we used to know as life away from us. Just like keeping a food diary often illuminates what we really are eating, keeping a time diary would show how much time we spend online.
299
I took Facebook off my phone and my work computer. Now I rarely think of it, and sometimes forget to check it at home. That has given me back an hour or more each day.
11
I also work full time, as does my husband, and we have three kids under the age of five. We are lucky to have 8-5 jobs with a short commute, but another thing that helps me not feel too busy is very minimal use of my phone when at home. Same for watching TV or surfing on my laptop. I'm either with my kids, or cooking for them but still talking to them or chasing after them. Once I got in the habit of not watching TV, I find I don't really miss it. I do watch a couple of times a week if I'm too tired to read, but most of the time I'd rather read after the kids are in bed.
12
Yes, I think the internet is killing us in many ways - our brains, our bodies due to the sedentary nature of it, and just wasting hours.
One of my friends just said she no longer calls anyone just to catch up or writes an interesting thoughtful personal email b/c she doesn't have time. Yet, the same person has sent me 10 stupid text messages and is watching silly cat videos!
One of my friends just said she no longer calls anyone just to catch up or writes an interesting thoughtful personal email b/c she doesn't have time. Yet, the same person has sent me 10 stupid text messages and is watching silly cat videos!
17
One thing time tracking does not capture is lack of routines.
26
This is a brutal exercise for a corporate controlled newspaper. Corporations WANT all of us to feel OK with doing impossible amounts of work for less money and be happy about it. This article would have made more sense if it compared how a person with four kids managed her job and family responsibilities TEN YEARS AGO with today. Regardless, what matters is how time-strapped people FEEL. Logging hours and tracking is corporate. People are not "corporate" and corporations are NOT people - they are legal constructs formed for the purpose of making money [ for a CEO].
234
I have to say I disagree with this. I don't have a corporate job in any sense and I love the idea of tracking my time (I am unnecessarily interested in analytics, though, so I will own that).
How I FEEL (emphasis is yours) is dictated by the narrative I construct. At the beginning of this week, I felt overwhelmed and exhausted because I felt busy. But, with hindsight, if I look at what I actually did, the narrative of "busy" is a false one. I was substantially less busy than the previous two weeks.
How I shape my perception is entirely part of the story I tell myself and others.
How I FEEL (emphasis is yours) is dictated by the narrative I construct. At the beginning of this week, I felt overwhelmed and exhausted because I felt busy. But, with hindsight, if I look at what I actually did, the narrative of "busy" is a false one. I was substantially less busy than the previous two weeks.
How I shape my perception is entirely part of the story I tell myself and others.
3
I was going to reply to her article but you have said my thoughts so well that I may not. Since when has whatever Corporations want become "what we must accommodate in our lives"?
I wonder where her need to "have it all" came from? Could it have been placed there by forces that have no regard for her quality of life, nor perhaps for life in general?
I wonder where her need to "have it all" came from? Could it have been placed there by forces that have no regard for her quality of life, nor perhaps for life in general?
7
Corporations need to keep all costs low (including personnel) because CONSUMERS want to pay the least amount possible since they do not feel they have very much money. It is a self-perpetuating cycle rather than a single cause problem.
People have been making choices about how to spend their time since the beginning of the conception of time.
People have been making choices about how to spend their time since the beginning of the conception of time.
1
As a professional who works with parents of young children, I have found that it is not the amount of time consumed by work that is the problem, it is the mental airspace overtaken by work that is the real problem. Its fine to say that you drive your children to school every day, but are you really focused on them during that period? Or are you planning what you are going to say to a difficult boss? There is a very big difference between being a self-employed professional with money, nannies, holidays and choices, versus a blue-collar worker who suffers many indignities throughout the workday. To make this an accurate time-management exercise, reporting how much of your free time is spent thinking about, stressing about or planning work related activities should be included.
454
Bingo! Even if I have time to myself, if I'm ruminating on work, worrying about work, kicking myself for something I said or didn't say at work....it feels like I'm at work.
12
You have time because you are rich and can buy it. Single mothers usually cannot afford full time nanny and often have no family support. We take care of our kids all the time we are not working. There is no time for exercise or recreation. Some women are truly busy.
582
I stopped reading at: ..."even with help from a nanny..."
13
And, outside of women widowed, women choose to become single mothers, either because that is what they wanted from the start or because they chose poorly in a mate.
2
A single woman with no career shouldn't have kids in the first place. Establish a career first, find a decent guy, then have kids...
1
Doing nothing in particular is my own top category. Moreover, I like it that way. My life is not a candidate for scientific management.
182
Here supporting your thoughts
Making good choices for ourselves is always a good idea
Making good choices for ourselves is always a good idea
3