This essay made me laugh a big, cathartic laugh...thank you for being honest. Based on similarly cringe-worthy experiences over here on the other side of the country, it all rings true!
13
Sarah: What do you really want in a relationship? Marriage? Children? Status of being connected to a male? When I was a young woman, I wanted a husband who would support me and children, too. When I married in my 20s, we had agreed to do just that. 5 years later, it all fell apart. I was suddenly single, inexperienced and damaged goods. Years passed. No Prince Charming appeared. In my 40s, I had a child on my own, because I feared that if I didn't do it soon, my biological clock would expire. That changed everything for me. There was someone in my life who I loved dearly. We were committed to each other for 20 years (at least). Today, 25 years later, I am still unmarried, but content. The long-term-relationship-with-a-male partner never happened. You can never assume that it will. Keep looking, but ask yourself, if it doesn't happen for you, is there something else you would wish for (like children). Good Luck. I wish you happiness whatever that is for you.
14
Oh the memories. I'd done it all: newspaper ads, online dating (in its infancy), and had a ball. From the date who showed up with a toothache from having had his teeth pulled and a car full of cigarette ash, to the one who almost got us arrested because he put switched license plates (wanted to impress with the little sports car) I enjoyed every moment of it, lots of tales for the grandkids. And when I was ready to settle down, I turned around and my best friend was there. 2 boys and 13 years later, I don't miss a thing. Ah Sarah, enjoy the adventures, laugh, dance and drink some wine. See the experiences for what they are: a part of life. The rest will come along soon enough, I promise!
5
I had my three great relationships, one of which was a 20-year marriage and a subsequent lasting friendship. For the last several years I have taken care of my disabled son, and people sometimes ask if I'm burdened by what they see as sacrifice.
Sacrifice? Our home is filled with love and a good deal of real laughter (highly recommended) so how could I feel lonely or lost? At 62 I can see a long life behind me, lucky all the way with love and good people. As long as you live with love and laughter you can't help but be alright.
Sacrifice? Our home is filled with love and a good deal of real laughter (highly recommended) so how could I feel lonely or lost? At 62 I can see a long life behind me, lucky all the way with love and good people. As long as you live with love and laughter you can't help but be alright.
11
Here is a different slant on the "you have to first love yourself" advice, which sounds good, but is very difficult. You have to "Surrender to Win." (This is also difficult) I think I learned this from Herrigel's Zen in the Art of Archery. It has worked for me: I met my wife after giving up looking. It has worked for other commenters to this article. It works for couples who adopt, because they couldn't conceive, and then they do conceive.
I don't know why it works, but I have a guess. When you walk toward a horse that doesn't know you, it backs away. When you back away from that horse, it comes toward you. Maybe human strangers sense the anxiety and pressure of a single person who wants so desperately to find a partner. So they back away…or don't come forward.
My college roommate and I decided that after graduation, we would go to museums and other places we liked to meet girls who shared those interests. I had a long-term friendship with a woman I met at a dance concert. He met his wife on a beach in the Hamptons.
The problem with that Zen advice is that you really, really have to give up wanting what you think you want. You can't pretend to fool the gods or the universe. So when it comes to finding a relationship, you have to choose at last to give up on finding it and live your life to the fullest. Participate in activities that excite you and give you joy and pleasure. And then, when you are not concerned about it, you will fall in love.
I don't know why it works, but I have a guess. When you walk toward a horse that doesn't know you, it backs away. When you back away from that horse, it comes toward you. Maybe human strangers sense the anxiety and pressure of a single person who wants so desperately to find a partner. So they back away…or don't come forward.
My college roommate and I decided that after graduation, we would go to museums and other places we liked to meet girls who shared those interests. I had a long-term friendship with a woman I met at a dance concert. He met his wife on a beach in the Hamptons.
The problem with that Zen advice is that you really, really have to give up wanting what you think you want. You can't pretend to fool the gods or the universe. So when it comes to finding a relationship, you have to choose at last to give up on finding it and live your life to the fullest. Participate in activities that excite you and give you joy and pleasure. And then, when you are not concerned about it, you will fall in love.
13
The short version of this is "people can smell desperation".
And it isn't attractive. It's scary and a bit creepy. The other person feels afraid you will be clingy and demanding.
The thing is, it isn't something specific -- so you can't control it, like you can control talking too fast or too loud. It must be pheromones or something.
So you have to not be desperate, and I believe the best way is to plenty of other stuff going on -- including other people you are in the process of dating. If you know that "next week, I'll have another date", you don't have to feel 'this man is my last chance for happiness", and that helps a lot.
And it isn't attractive. It's scary and a bit creepy. The other person feels afraid you will be clingy and demanding.
The thing is, it isn't something specific -- so you can't control it, like you can control talking too fast or too loud. It must be pheromones or something.
So you have to not be desperate, and I believe the best way is to plenty of other stuff going on -- including other people you are in the process of dating. If you know that "next week, I'll have another date", you don't have to feel 'this man is my last chance for happiness", and that helps a lot.
6
"I want to cry, feeling creepy for staring at these strangers and also envious that they seem to have what I want."
That's exactly how I feel....
That's exactly how I feel....
10
Have you considered that online dating is not the best way to meet compatible people? It is certainly a convenient way to have lots of dates, if you are seeking a companion, and not lots of dates, then maybe you should consider the old fashioned way.
Just do things where you will meet people. Go to a bar by yourself. Take some classes after work. Join a running club.
You will probably have a lot fewer dates, but you will have a much more interesting life in the meantime, since you're doing things you actually want to do, instead of going on job interviews all the time. And I'd wager that your chances of making it beyond Date 5 with someone you meet and get to know this way, are vastly higher than with the person you have never met before your first date.
Just do things where you will meet people. Go to a bar by yourself. Take some classes after work. Join a running club.
You will probably have a lot fewer dates, but you will have a much more interesting life in the meantime, since you're doing things you actually want to do, instead of going on job interviews all the time. And I'd wager that your chances of making it beyond Date 5 with someone you meet and get to know this way, are vastly higher than with the person you have never met before your first date.
6
Sarah, I understand and many of the readers who commented understand too. Technology has helped to highlight so many men that you could date. But in this big statistical pool, you'll end up having to suffer more frogs than princes. I was married at 30 and after 10 years, my husband died of cancer. I mourned him and was in numb grief. I couldn't feel a thing. The queen sized bed became unbearably big. Each night, I couldn't sleep and entertained the idea of burning the bed. I felt loss and I was lost. Very slowly, I started to feel something again. I felt lonely and lost. Then absolute fear struck me that I may not meet another man again whom I could love. I was 40. That's quite close in age to you, Sarah. I thought, who would want to meet and date a 40-something year old? I have since happily remarried because I did what you did, I went out and dated different men. O so many were frogs. Turns out age doesn't matter when it comes to finding a relationship. It's about trying and also, when dating gets too challenging, take a break, and enjoy one's own company. Sarah, you sound like a very likable and interesting person. You will have a wonderful relationship and until then, have a sandwich.
28
Thank you for reminding me why I hated dating, and why I love being married.
11
I was just like you -- living in New York City in my late 30s, for years I went through online dating site after online dating site, had so many dates, met some interesting men, but nothing worked out in the long run. Then I moved to Baltimore for a new job -- and at age 42, fell in love with the first and only guy I met on eHarmony (a site I'd been on several times in NY). He was worth the wait! Keep the faith and best of luck. Great essay!
11
I married for my first and only time at age 51 . I met my wife on a blind date when I least expected to find a partner. I've been happily married for 13 years now . We have beautiful grandchildren from her two
sons , and they give us so much happiness . We're a family . I dated about a hundred women before I met my wife . I pretty much had decided to give up and remain single before I met her . Everyone , especially myself , seemed so focused on a persons' looks . From the benefit of my experience , I wish to say : don't give up . Maybe keep yourself open to meeting someone with acceptable , but not perfect , looks and a kind heart and a giving nature as opposed to your perfect outside image of a partner . I'm sure other people have said this in many ways , but look for the inner beauty . Unlike a persons' looks , it lasts a lifetime .
sons , and they give us so much happiness . We're a family . I dated about a hundred women before I met my wife . I pretty much had decided to give up and remain single before I met her . Everyone , especially myself , seemed so focused on a persons' looks . From the benefit of my experience , I wish to say : don't give up . Maybe keep yourself open to meeting someone with acceptable , but not perfect , looks and a kind heart and a giving nature as opposed to your perfect outside image of a partner . I'm sure other people have said this in many ways , but look for the inner beauty . Unlike a persons' looks , it lasts a lifetime .
18
That is very lovely and I am so glad you found happiness.
However for a WOMAN who wants her own biological children...waiting until 51 is obviously not going to work. So she must be more proactive and much earlier in her life.
However for a WOMAN who wants her own biological children...waiting until 51 is obviously not going to work. So she must be more proactive and much earlier in her life.
7
What a fun read. I'm so confused why online dating has become so mainstream. It's basically a blind date, which work out once in a blue moon but are typically a disaster - so I find it entertaining as all get out that so many folks choose to participate. This takes me back to your earlier comment about this idea that you need to know yourself first. What that actually means, is get on with your life and your interests. See, when you follow your interests, you will meet people, and spend time with them over these common interests, and..voila! kismet!! And when you accidentally use two exclamation points in a note around someone you have spent some really quality time with, they will forgive your moment of eagerness.
6
Dear Sarah, Free advice- you should move- NYC is weird. Go to a more conservative place if you want a simpler approach to love.
8
It's not the politics, conservative or liberal. It's the demographics.
Big coastal urban areas like LA, SF and NYC attract too many young professional women, and women wanting to "start over", etc. In contrast, they have too few men and the ones that are there, have learned about the imbalance and exploit it to their advantage. With a longer fertile life, men can play the game until they are 45 and then decide to "settle down". Women who want children cannot do this.
The best advice I give to such young women is MOVE. There are literally thousands of other places you can live in the US, and any of those have dramatically better dating odds for you.
Big coastal urban areas like LA, SF and NYC attract too many young professional women, and women wanting to "start over", etc. In contrast, they have too few men and the ones that are there, have learned about the imbalance and exploit it to their advantage. With a longer fertile life, men can play the game until they are 45 and then decide to "settle down". Women who want children cannot do this.
The best advice I give to such young women is MOVE. There are literally thousands of other places you can live in the US, and any of those have dramatically better dating odds for you.
13
Absolutely true. Why don't women get this? It couldn't be more obvious, and yet it is ignored.
2
I believe widows and widowers have mastered relationships. Married for years, finding themselves alone and being with someone for compatibility and friendship without all the stress.
No matter how much you think you know someone, you don't know them atall lest yourself. Therefore meeting someone through friends is a lot safer than dating sites.
Strictly from an observational viewpoint of why some relationships work and others don't, the first thing that comes to mind is good behavior - how everyone is on it when dating. And how abruptly all of that ceases to exist the closer you get.
Right there and then is the beginning of the end. So much for getting all gussied up and primping yourself before your mate comes home or going out.
Face it, relationships are full time jobs. They require tremendous work and commitment compromise and respect. Think about how they start out that way and how quickly it all dissipates, The length people go to impress someone when dating and how precipitously it ends. Same with marriage.
The key to good relationships is keeping it alive, fresh, new, different and exciting. How you acted when dating. The lengths you went to. It requires a lot of work. Instead people are preoccupied with snagging the gal/girl, not how much effort is required to maintain it.
They also focus on all the wrong things. Think about how you chose your friends versus a potential mate. Do you really care what your friends look like or how much money they earn?
No matter how much you think you know someone, you don't know them atall lest yourself. Therefore meeting someone through friends is a lot safer than dating sites.
Strictly from an observational viewpoint of why some relationships work and others don't, the first thing that comes to mind is good behavior - how everyone is on it when dating. And how abruptly all of that ceases to exist the closer you get.
Right there and then is the beginning of the end. So much for getting all gussied up and primping yourself before your mate comes home or going out.
Face it, relationships are full time jobs. They require tremendous work and commitment compromise and respect. Think about how they start out that way and how quickly it all dissipates, The length people go to impress someone when dating and how precipitously it ends. Same with marriage.
The key to good relationships is keeping it alive, fresh, new, different and exciting. How you acted when dating. The lengths you went to. It requires a lot of work. Instead people are preoccupied with snagging the gal/girl, not how much effort is required to maintain it.
They also focus on all the wrong things. Think about how you chose your friends versus a potential mate. Do you really care what your friends look like or how much money they earn?
9
This only reinforces my belief that "a good man is hard to find". My mother used to say that past a certain age the men who are not happily married are irretrievably broken.
I suppose it would be possible for a man to write a similar column, with women in the weird to horrible roles. But I won't hold my breath waiting for it.
I suppose it would be possible for a man to write a similar column, with women in the weird to horrible roles. But I won't hold my breath waiting for it.
8
Men are not allowed to be so critical of women, especially women of a certain age, so we won't be writing such an article anytime soon. Not that we don't have our own stories. I can only imagine the wrath in the comments for that article.
I have only had one serious relationship develop from dating. Most relationships came out of seeing a woman often in another context over a period of time and deciding to begin a relationship because we enjoy each other's company. This works because we would both have our guard down and not be in job-interview mode. Dating is like being an admissions department employee at an elite college, you're looking for reasons to reject people rather than reasons to accept them.
I have only had one serious relationship develop from dating. Most relationships came out of seeing a woman often in another context over a period of time and deciding to begin a relationship because we enjoy each other's company. This works because we would both have our guard down and not be in job-interview mode. Dating is like being an admissions department employee at an elite college, you're looking for reasons to reject people rather than reasons to accept them.
13
Aside from this being kinda mean and bigoted....after 40 or so, the chances are for both men & women, that you will meet someone with a prior relationship, marriage, children, etc.
It's not like high school or college, where everyone is a newly minted penny.
Since that is true....the single's market at any given time is constantly in flux. People pair bond and leave, and others come onto the dating market because of divorce, breakups, widowhood, etc.
A man or woman who has been in a long-term relationship is probably not "weird" in the way you write about. Probably just wants to find someone and settle back down.
There are some lifelong eccentrics out there, and some users and "players" so you have to learn how to spot them and avoid them. But there are also good men and good women, and you have to have faith you will find someone. You will, if you are patient and confident.
It's not like high school or college, where everyone is a newly minted penny.
Since that is true....the single's market at any given time is constantly in flux. People pair bond and leave, and others come onto the dating market because of divorce, breakups, widowhood, etc.
A man or woman who has been in a long-term relationship is probably not "weird" in the way you write about. Probably just wants to find someone and settle back down.
There are some lifelong eccentrics out there, and some users and "players" so you have to learn how to spot them and avoid them. But there are also good men and good women, and you have to have faith you will find someone. You will, if you are patient and confident.
6
Wow, or yuck that couple on the Q train actually liked each other? And just think there may be a possability that they actually cared for one another. So much for the sandwich dating trip, try that with pizza next time for fun. You seem to have come accross some weird guys, some well I think you both were "asking for it". Here's an idea, don't "date" just meet people and talk and find something and somewhere to go and do. A bar, okay, but move around, a quick bite, then another "type" of bar, and then just a walk, or even go through a store together. A grocery store could be fun, and you'll find out a lot about each other, food wise, and well the other things like wine and beer, and not for the booze trip, but about each others "tastes". (He eats that?, yuck.)....And sometimes meet at the same place, and then another place where you could meet his "friends". Look for respect, caring, fun, laughter, love, yes, but that takes a few years to even realize......Don't give up, try another flavor of ice cream. Ice Cream, try that for a dating gig, opps....
5
Thank you for sharing your experience candidly. It's all a crap shoot, as it was in the "good old days" before the internet. I met a partner of many years (now a friend) in my mid-50s through Match.com. My daughter (a person of considerable substance and depth) met her husband on Tinder, clearly not a vehicle for in-depth introductions yet it worked as well as running into someone in the subway. I wouldn't take "you have to be happy with yourself first" too seriously or too literally. Yes, you have to be able to engage in life and give to others - otherwise your singleness AND your relationships will be bankrupt. But it's not about being perfectly happy or about having no doubt, anxiety, or any of the other complex feelings that most humans have. I wish you the best - single or partnered.
19
OY. The people who say "you have to be happy with yourself before you can find happiness with someone else" are smug and most likely already coupled. It's only marginally better than "you got cancer? It must be because you're always so stressed out!"
Sure, you can't expect a partner to transform your life from grim to joyous, but that is not what you seem to be asking for, and just because you feel lonely at times it is not proof that you're simply not-ok-enough-on-your-own.
You sound funny, realistic, charming, and self-aware, and l wish you the best.
Sure, you can't expect a partner to transform your life from grim to joyous, but that is not what you seem to be asking for, and just because you feel lonely at times it is not proof that you're simply not-ok-enough-on-your-own.
You sound funny, realistic, charming, and self-aware, and l wish you the best.
32
written with the wry humor all of us who are dating need
11
There is nothing wrong with being patient, not feeling desperate, and not repeating the same mistake over and over. There are no miracles. Be patient. Expand your horizons. Looks for those with a commonality of interests. If a lot of trite phrases flow from the guy you just met, kiss it off. Start slow. Find common ground, shared interests. If it lasts over several months, there may be something there. Otherwise, do not waste your time.
5
After 5 years of using dating sites on and off, I stopped. All the normal, attractive, emotionally available, and financially stable, 50 year old men are taken. Dating sites should be called "What is left.com".
29
Once you tell yourself such self-defeating nonsense...of course there isn't anyone. You've closed your mind.
Even if "everyone were taken" -- people break up and get divorced ALL THE TIME.
There is always someone. But you have to be proactive and "out there" to meet them.
Even if "everyone were taken" -- people break up and get divorced ALL THE TIME.
There is always someone. But you have to be proactive and "out there" to meet them.
5
Ms. Moses' piece isn't interesting or well written; it rather lies there like a dead fish. As a woman who dated in her mid-to-late 40s (now, at 50, somewhat miraculously in a very happy relationship of almost a year), I understand the plight of the single woman of a "certain age" as the French magnificently call it. Online dating, too. All of it can be heartbreaking and hilarious. This piece reflects none of that, coming off, at best, whiny.
Yes, Ms. Moses, you do need to love yourself first, if for no other reason than to be yourself when you date. What good does it do to be someone else at all on a date when you are trying to find someone to love the real you?
More importantly, though, being in a relationship won't cure the loneliness. That's an internal thing that an external will never fix. The desperation is evokes is off-putting to others.
Maybe that explains why this piece was itself also off-putting.
Yes, Ms. Moses, you do need to love yourself first, if for no other reason than to be yourself when you date. What good does it do to be someone else at all on a date when you are trying to find someone to love the real you?
More importantly, though, being in a relationship won't cure the loneliness. That's an internal thing that an external will never fix. The desperation is evokes is off-putting to others.
Maybe that explains why this piece was itself also off-putting.
10
Ironic that you would dismiss her story while presenting your perspective as an indisputable truth. You may be just a bit deluded in your conviction.
38
Leslie B, Ms. Moses's piece is not off-putting at all. Your post is....to an extreme.
17
the experience of dating is often really hard, especially in NYC and being reminded of the pain and isolation of it can cause people to minimize the experience or blame others for not getting it right. I thought this piece was charming and open - no storybook ending and an honesty that I really appreciated
22
Hey girl, you are overthinking it. You need to quit looking and focus on yourself. You will attract the right person if you do, so you don't have to find yourself alone on Tinder, descending into sandwich humor - instigated by some high school student in Long Island.
3
It was only when I opened myself up to the men who actually were interested in me that I finally find the one. I always had a certain idea in my mind of who I wanted to be with, and I realized that finding someone to love means that you can't invent the person into being and instead have to accept the person who loves you as he/she is.
27
Many of the lonely women posting here will not admit the problem.
They insist on living in LA, SF, NYC or other big urban centers where the demographic odds are against them.
Then they won't admit that they are incredibly picky themselves -- must have a man who of their social class. Must have someone who graduated from "the right college". He must earn X dollars -- more than they do, so that he can support them or at least, raise their lifestyle considerably.
He has to be X height, because they won't a short guy. He has to be trim, because they won't date a fat guy. He has to be white collar, because they won't date a blue collar guy. He has to be their race and likely their religion (or non-religion). And OMG -- he'd better be a political liberal!
Back when I was dating, I had a single friend who was divorced. Her ex had been a doctor; she really enjoyed that lifestyle of being "a doctor's wife". So she set her cap to find another doctor. Well...though over 50, with troubled teenage kids, no career herself and not much money...she DID find a doctor. He was very interested in her, very much wanted a relationship. She went on one date with him. It turned out he was a Republican, who enjoyed collecting guns and belonged to the NRA. She refused a second date. 20 years later, she is still alone.
A lot of single women seriously need to examine their priorities. They are often their own worst enemies, and are subconsciously sabotaging their efforts at dating.
They insist on living in LA, SF, NYC or other big urban centers where the demographic odds are against them.
Then they won't admit that they are incredibly picky themselves -- must have a man who of their social class. Must have someone who graduated from "the right college". He must earn X dollars -- more than they do, so that he can support them or at least, raise their lifestyle considerably.
He has to be X height, because they won't a short guy. He has to be trim, because they won't date a fat guy. He has to be white collar, because they won't date a blue collar guy. He has to be their race and likely their religion (or non-religion). And OMG -- he'd better be a political liberal!
Back when I was dating, I had a single friend who was divorced. Her ex had been a doctor; she really enjoyed that lifestyle of being "a doctor's wife". So she set her cap to find another doctor. Well...though over 50, with troubled teenage kids, no career herself and not much money...she DID find a doctor. He was very interested in her, very much wanted a relationship. She went on one date with him. It turned out he was a Republican, who enjoyed collecting guns and belonged to the NRA. She refused a second date. 20 years later, she is still alone.
A lot of single women seriously need to examine their priorities. They are often their own worst enemies, and are subconsciously sabotaging their efforts at dating.
10
This was such a fun read on a Sunday afternoon. I divorced at age 67 in 2013 and decided to go online, per a recommendation from my ex....and a bit of an inner angst that I was a total relationship failure. Spent time on Ourtime.com and can only say that online dating experiences must be universal...regardless of age. I'm done now. Very content with who I am in this stage of my life. Learned a lot about me and glad I spent some time on that adventure.
The next adventure: putting myself up for adoption by any sane folks living in another country who can speak English...in the event that Trump becomes president.
The next adventure: putting myself up for adoption by any sane folks living in another country who can speak English...in the event that Trump becomes president.
38
Long ago and far away I was in college, and my heart had been broken. I had shared my innermost self with someone and he rejected it! I wandered around the college looking around for who could be my true love, with no luck. Then my sister gave me this excellent advice: "Get a good thing going for yourself. Focus on what you are doing, forget about finding anyone." Once I quit searching, someone wonderful found me.
17
Your sister's advice represent probably the wisest words offered on this forum.
8
One truth of online dating is that all pictures lie -- sometimes only a little, sometimes a lot. That said, getting into a conversation with a man whose profile picture is a sandwich is an act of sheer folly. Such a man is a pile of misrepresentations with a bit of lettuce and mayonnaise, to say nothing of the pickle.
12
My mother would tell me the old adage that the way to a mans heart is through his stomach Take a cooking class and invite people over. You will be liked by everyone. Good luck to you and to that lucky fella.
9
But are you happy?
Do you think that strangers you see cooing on a train are happy at home too?
You don't need a dating app, you need a counseling app.
I'll agree with the comment about "make men belive you are the prize". Because otherwise, you will end up wanting a 50-50 mature relationship with someone you love and who loves you. And everyone knows that *that* never works out...
Do you think that strangers you see cooing on a train are happy at home too?
You don't need a dating app, you need a counseling app.
I'll agree with the comment about "make men belive you are the prize". Because otherwise, you will end up wanting a 50-50 mature relationship with someone you love and who loves you. And everyone knows that *that* never works out...
2
After several attempts at the personals and then online dating, I gave up. In twenty years, I gained one good friend and had one brief relationship with a man who wanted everything, and I do mean everything, to go his way.
My conclusions: 1) I know that I'm difficult to match.
2) Going on these arranged dates got my hopes up and dashed them, in that the majority were not up to standards, and I don't mean not rich or handsome enough. I mean obviously alcoholic, mentally unbalanced, misogynist, rude, or unable to talk about anything but work and sports. One even showed up in a dirty t-shirt and cutoff jeans and left for an "important" volleyball game after five minutes, after I had driven forty miles to meet him.
A friend's husband read the personals for fun and told me that if he were not married, there were several women he might be interested in, but when he looked at the men's column, his overwhelming impression was that the men who weren't toxic were boring.
3) There are worse things in the world than being single. One of them is being married to some of the men I met through the personals.
4) I'm out in plain sight and active in a lot of ways. If one of the potential "Mr. Rights" is out there, he can just walk up and say, "Hi."
My conclusions: 1) I know that I'm difficult to match.
2) Going on these arranged dates got my hopes up and dashed them, in that the majority were not up to standards, and I don't mean not rich or handsome enough. I mean obviously alcoholic, mentally unbalanced, misogynist, rude, or unable to talk about anything but work and sports. One even showed up in a dirty t-shirt and cutoff jeans and left for an "important" volleyball game after five minutes, after I had driven forty miles to meet him.
A friend's husband read the personals for fun and told me that if he were not married, there were several women he might be interested in, but when he looked at the men's column, his overwhelming impression was that the men who weren't toxic were boring.
3) There are worse things in the world than being single. One of them is being married to some of the men I met through the personals.
4) I'm out in plain sight and active in a lot of ways. If one of the potential "Mr. Rights" is out there, he can just walk up and say, "Hi."
31
I learned a while back that one is not really "happy enough" if they worry about "being alone the rest of [their] life..."
11
"Manwich"? Was thinking something else entirely when I saw that in the title. Would have made for an even more interesting article.
13
Hunt's Manwich Sandwich. Remember?
I definitely would've left at the "hook-nose" crack.
13
After reading things like this, I just feel so grateful I'm a gay.
10
The scene: Man becomes widower, at age 50, after 24 years of marriage. Mans works from home and has basically no social life.
Act 1: Man tries online dating, J-Date in particular. Signs up for 12 months. So disgusted within a month that he turns his account over to a friend in a similar situation.
Act 2: A while later, man tries online dating again, this time POF. Writes an extremely honest profile. Has some interesting dates. Meets some very odd women. Meets some he's interested in, but not vice versa.
Act 3: Man gets a message from a woman. Four words: "I like your attitude". Man replies. This is Saturday. Meet for dinner Tuesday.
Act 4: 6 months later engaged, another 6 months married, 7-1/2 years ago.
Epilogue: This guy never would have messaged this woman. Why? She was way too hot looking for the guy who didn't consider himself much of a prize package. But these two people completed each other.
Point of my little tale; you just never know.
Act 1: Man tries online dating, J-Date in particular. Signs up for 12 months. So disgusted within a month that he turns his account over to a friend in a similar situation.
Act 2: A while later, man tries online dating again, this time POF. Writes an extremely honest profile. Has some interesting dates. Meets some very odd women. Meets some he's interested in, but not vice versa.
Act 3: Man gets a message from a woman. Four words: "I like your attitude". Man replies. This is Saturday. Meet for dinner Tuesday.
Act 4: 6 months later engaged, another 6 months married, 7-1/2 years ago.
Epilogue: This guy never would have messaged this woman. Why? She was way too hot looking for the guy who didn't consider himself much of a prize package. But these two people completed each other.
Point of my little tale; you just never know.
28
Why are women so desperate? Why are they so willing to tolerate a date with the kind of guys she describes? She seems funny and likable enough but I as an "older" woman know one thing for sure. Men are like sniffing truffle pigs; the minute they sense a whiff of desperation they run or they tease you, or worse. I've done the dating rounds at 60 plus. I have a VERY casual and cocky attitude, am neither impressed nor patient...but it's because I'm not looking for "happiness" or "fulfillment"...
Here's a funny story about it:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sabine-reichel/ok-cupid-dating-story_b_967...
Here's a funny story about it:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sabine-reichel/ok-cupid-dating-story_b_967...
3
We all can sympathize, because who hasn't tried it? And who hasn't given up on it? Men and women seem not to be looking for the same things, at least not after they've been through the marriage and procreation drill. Gals still seem to want the next big thing, though, while many of us on the other side of the aisle are finally content to grow old without sharing the four walls with a new scold.
8
Weird but not being partnered does not bother me much any more. Being 40 and single has not proven to be the major catastrophe I thought it would be when I was younger.
In many ways, it took being alone and single for me to really find myself and who I really am. A few years back (after a failed marriage and a few horrible dating experiences) I took myself off the dating scene.
After that I traveled alone, bought a house, worked on my finance (retirement, saving, etc) and through it all I started to realize I can do pretty much do anything I want on my own.
Plus, dating is no longer fun. It's full of dating apps, hookup sites, conversation with sandwiches, married men looking for a ego boost, emotionally unavailable men, etc. Far too much stress.
Being alone and content is so much less stressful for me.
In many ways, it took being alone and single for me to really find myself and who I really am. A few years back (after a failed marriage and a few horrible dating experiences) I took myself off the dating scene.
After that I traveled alone, bought a house, worked on my finance (retirement, saving, etc) and through it all I started to realize I can do pretty much do anything I want on my own.
Plus, dating is no longer fun. It's full of dating apps, hookup sites, conversation with sandwiches, married men looking for a ego boost, emotionally unavailable men, etc. Far too much stress.
Being alone and content is so much less stressful for me.
30
Your column did not provide an answer the most important question: Do you want to have children? If the answer is "No", get your tubes tied and make it prominent in your online dating profile. If the answer is "Yes", contact a sperm bank and pick out a great donor father. At 40 years old, time is running out, and there are very few guys who'd take a chance with you. If your answer is "Maybe", you have some serious soul-searching to do.
7
WHOA. What's with the judgment? What's "the most important question" to you does not mean anything -- and this piece was not about children at all. You have no right to tell anyone her (or his) time is running out. Please focus on your own life and not others'.
10
Gertrude Stein told Scott Fitzgerald & Ernest Hemingway that they were members of a "Lost Generation." Now, America is a lost country & its citizens are lost. Lost & alone. On a quiet, grey & cool Sunday morning one can already see the displaced, the haggard, those who slept under bridges last night or in their vehicles. Millions of us are waking up & smelling the fresh donuts, but sitting down to a cup of tea by ourselves. Edith Wharton put it very well in her writings describing New York life in the 1800s. In Corporate life when it is hard to coordinate getting just two people in one room at the same time, it is just as difficult, & moreso in our domestic everyday situations. I find myself now asking if I missed clues, invitations, flirting, seductive vignettes along the way. Maybe, maybe not. What would have happened if. . .? Even though I am often described as a "visionary," I can find myself tunnel visioned & with a lot of 20/20 hindsight or discovery or revelation after the fact. Men & women operate on entirely different planes passing like ships in the night.
We have been let down and abandoned from the top down due to a severe lack of leadership in this country. There has been no one to inspire us, no one to lead us in an affirmative direction. Thoreau wrote that "the mass of men [and women] lead lives of quiet desperation." Never has that been such a truly distinctive indicator of life here in America -- be it in New York or anywhere else.
We have been let down and abandoned from the top down due to a severe lack of leadership in this country. There has been no one to inspire us, no one to lead us in an affirmative direction. Thoreau wrote that "the mass of men [and women] lead lives of quiet desperation." Never has that been such a truly distinctive indicator of life here in America -- be it in New York or anywhere else.
5
It's too bad that online dating is so rough for so many people! After 12 years of marriage, I have been exploring the app dating world for the last 18 months as a 45 year-old divorced woman. For me, it's been an amazing journey of meeting interesting, cultured, intelligent and attractive men - mostly younger than me. I've found friends, lovers, a real estate agent and even fell in love with a man I met on Tinder! It is possible. Think of dating apps as a way to connect with people who you would never meet IRL. Use them when you travel to connect with a local who can be guide and your dinner date. Use them to choose exactly what you want - age, race, profession - there are so many diverse men to choose from. If you are not looking for the one and can enjoy different people for what they have to offer, you might just find the one by accident!
28
Beautiful piece, Sarah.
After my marriage of a decade collapsed, I sought out a therapist to help me dig my way out of the rubble. In one session, I had a breakdown and started sobbing about never being able to find love again. My therapist looked at me and said, very gently, “So?”.
I was too stunned to cry or speak. He pointed out the love I had acknowledged experiencing despite the overall failure of the relationship, and said that some people never even get to feel that kind of good in their lives. The truth of that single word continued to sting for weeks after that. However it also became the kick in the rear that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and start creating a new definition of happiness for myself. This meant making the most of things within my control and either embracing, ignoring, or finding humor in the things I can’t. It’s still a learning process, but I’m so grateful to have started on this path.
Three years after that session, I was traveling solo in Myanmar when I received an email from a man who had seen my profile at a dating site. He was not what I typically looked for in a potential date but then again, what I had “typically looked for” had not worked out that well either. Besides, something about the way he expressed himself intrigued me. It’s been two years and we are still together. It’s amazing what life can bring when you start to let go of your fears and worries. And even if things don’t work out sometimes, So?
After my marriage of a decade collapsed, I sought out a therapist to help me dig my way out of the rubble. In one session, I had a breakdown and started sobbing about never being able to find love again. My therapist looked at me and said, very gently, “So?”.
I was too stunned to cry or speak. He pointed out the love I had acknowledged experiencing despite the overall failure of the relationship, and said that some people never even get to feel that kind of good in their lives. The truth of that single word continued to sting for weeks after that. However it also became the kick in the rear that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and start creating a new definition of happiness for myself. This meant making the most of things within my control and either embracing, ignoring, or finding humor in the things I can’t. It’s still a learning process, but I’m so grateful to have started on this path.
Three years after that session, I was traveling solo in Myanmar when I received an email from a man who had seen my profile at a dating site. He was not what I typically looked for in a potential date but then again, what I had “typically looked for” had not worked out that well either. Besides, something about the way he expressed himself intrigued me. It’s been two years and we are still together. It’s amazing what life can bring when you start to let go of your fears and worries. And even if things don’t work out sometimes, So?
54
Sarah, you are hilarious and smart. It's completely within the spectrum of "normal" that you've been single for 3 years after being a relationship for 8. It takes time—not just to find somebody, but simply to recover. As a NYC male who did his share of online dating and met his wife of 6 years on Match, here's my mansplaining advice to single women. Within reason, cultivate arrogance — not only does it make you less easy to hurt, but men want the chase. If you can convince yourself that you are the prize, then the men will believe it, too. Sarah, the very idea that you are pining for this ridiculous sandwich loser is worrisome. One joke exchange is okay, but then demand a real photo of him before taking it any further. He should have to prove himself to you, not the other way around.
21
My suggestion: Try getting away from online searches and head outside to where men gather, basketball courts? computer software classes? baseball games? Alaska.
6
There's a saying about Alaskan men. The odds are good, but the goods are odd.
22
So validating! Thank u for writing this piece...
3
If my son ran into this woman, I would tell him to run away (exclamation point intended)!
3
why?
12
If my son ran into this woman, I would say, "I want to meet her! She sounds fantastic! (With 2 exclamation points)
16
Really appreciate the author's courage to talk about loneliness and to resolve to do something about it! If I may I want to suggest reading a book or two about flirting and courtship (Searching for Courtship is one of the best). I realized I needed to change my approach just to invite guys into my space. When I was younger I was used to keeping them at bay. I don't know how it is in a big city, but becoming approachable and friendly and signalling interest with a smile--in the right settings--can help guys start the conversation. It signals attractiveness they find irresistible and also helps them over the worry they will get rejected. I also suggest wearing something that can be a conversation ice-breaker; but not a tattoo or piercing, however.
6
Piercings and tattoos are very risky. For some guys they are interesting, but for some, rightly or wrongly, they communicate filth or trashiness. Just a heads up.
8
Hmmm I disagree about the piercings and tattoos...it might depend on where you live! I have a small nose piercing, and no one seems put off by it.
1
Many don't like tattoos or piercing. I have cousins with them, but I don't say anything, I don't like them but wont say anything bad, that would be rude. My cousin got one at 50, very visible in her hand, why in the world would she do that?
I'm pretty young but I feel like all single people think these exact thoughts. Reading this article mentally I just thought "Nooooooooooo", because is this my single future?
11
As a male, who was there for and participated in the ancient days of the newspaper dating classifieds, where you mailed a letter (with a picture) to an anonymous mailbox number - I can say that things have not changed all that much in this modern era of swipe-type, Tinder, and what-have you dating Apps. Several years ago I ventured onto one of these new dating resources - and it wasn't long before I concluded it simply was not gonna help me find my "takes just one". Oh I found a few it takes just one for several one night'rs, or parking lot fumbling fests - but nothing of value worth pursuing.
What I realized when I started to look at things from a more analytical POV, and questioning friends/acquaintances committed to finding their "one" via online dating - is what we all already know, but take forever to understand; men and women approach dating with completely differing attitudes and approaches. Men are seeking opportunity (yes, too often sexual) and women are seeking possibility. Its really that simple.
Men are looking at what is this women going to do for me value wise, while women are wondering how is and will this man be there for me. All made worse when these investigative dates come after a break-up. Even when we're allegedly over the last one, who was THE ONE, we're evaluating strangers on their relationship value (as we personally appraise it) not on their value as people, friends, etc.
And most often that appraisal criteria is seriously out of whack.
What I realized when I started to look at things from a more analytical POV, and questioning friends/acquaintances committed to finding their "one" via online dating - is what we all already know, but take forever to understand; men and women approach dating with completely differing attitudes and approaches. Men are seeking opportunity (yes, too often sexual) and women are seeking possibility. Its really that simple.
Men are looking at what is this women going to do for me value wise, while women are wondering how is and will this man be there for me. All made worse when these investigative dates come after a break-up. Even when we're allegedly over the last one, who was THE ONE, we're evaluating strangers on their relationship value (as we personally appraise it) not on their value as people, friends, etc.
And most often that appraisal criteria is seriously out of whack.
51
Right on. You write the next column.
5
BoRegard, I enjoyed the writing in your comment and think you've hit the nail on the head several times. I think your comparison of men/opportunity with women/possibility is particularly astute. Thanks!
5
I feel a lot of empathy and based on what I have read, I find you quite funny and interesting. My very humble opinion (what do i know in this regard ..??) is that the conscious search of a partner is somehow doomed to fail. Instead, focusing on what you like and who you are will necessarily put you in contact with people who will want to know more about you.
33
I used to think that, but it's not working out that way. It's very hard to meet men after a certain age. With regard to online dating -- I really do think that the desirable men are not on online dating sites (they don't have to go on them to meet someone). I know a lot of you will disagree with me, but this is what my experience has taught me. Sure, some people do have luck, but it's just that, LUCK -- I think it's called random chance.
2
Thank you for writing this piece! This is exactly how I feel, too.
12
Your column expressed many of my feelings. And I am an older gay man looking for love in a world where most guys are looking for a "hook-up". Terribly lonely. I like believing that its that most people, straight as well as gay, are either unable to (better "scared to") take the risk of any dating that isn't superficial.
And in a world where we communicate primarily via gadgets, as the psychologist Sherry Turkle writes (link to one of her NYTimes op-ed below), people are unpracticed and many scared of having real conversation, let alone intimacy.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/22/opinion/sunday/the-flight-from-convers...
And in a world where we communicate primarily via gadgets, as the psychologist Sherry Turkle writes (link to one of her NYTimes op-ed below), people are unpracticed and many scared of having real conversation, let alone intimacy.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/22/opinion/sunday/the-flight-from-convers...
17
I'm just barely young enough to have seen the way dating "used to be", and also to have participated in the current app-based dating scene.
There is a lot to compare and contrast, but the most disappointing thing is how people now treat each other during "the exit" - and I'll say that it really seems that men (at least in NYC) are on the lower side of this behavioral balance.
Every single woman I dated had tales of the rudest of blow-offs. Men with little to offer, yet confidently pointing out the flaws in their dates -- and subsequently expecting sex -- is the *standard*, not the exception. The first few times I heard these stories I was laughing in disbelief, now I'm just disgusted.
There is a lot to compare and contrast, but the most disappointing thing is how people now treat each other during "the exit" - and I'll say that it really seems that men (at least in NYC) are on the lower side of this behavioral balance.
Every single woman I dated had tales of the rudest of blow-offs. Men with little to offer, yet confidently pointing out the flaws in their dates -- and subsequently expecting sex -- is the *standard*, not the exception. The first few times I heard these stories I was laughing in disbelief, now I'm just disgusted.
54
See this is why I intuit sadness whenever I look at women and they look back. Casanova had the right idea. And women loved him for the moments.
7
Yes.
1
I completely understand. In any other city, I can find a boyfriend easily. It seems like many incredibly average guys in NYC have extremely high opinions of themselves and think they're the prize. Some because they make tons of money, others, because there are so many single women to choose from.
Two years ago, while on OkCupid, I thought to myself, "maybe there are better guys in the nearby burbs that work in the city" and voilà, I met the one pretty quickly. He's wonderful.
Biologically speaking, women actually chose the guy they want to chase her. Men in NYC seem to think it's the other way around. They're not worth getting frustrated over.
Two years ago, while on OkCupid, I thought to myself, "maybe there are better guys in the nearby burbs that work in the city" and voilà, I met the one pretty quickly. He's wonderful.
Biologically speaking, women actually chose the guy they want to chase her. Men in NYC seem to think it's the other way around. They're not worth getting frustrated over.
39
It's not just NYC. If pretty much everywhere. Here in Seattle it is the exact same.
6
Thankfully I'm not waking up in the middle of the night or panicking by day, but in a world where everyone is staring at their phone/computer, the art of conversation is getting lost.
I still strike up conversations in all sorts of places (doesn't have to be a bar) and you'd be amazed how some people can actually talk back. Have I met someone this way? Not yet, but I'm convinced that being out and about in the world and doing things that make you happy adds a glow that the best online dating photo just can't capture.
As my friends start divorcing it's my male pals who amuse me with their complete addiction to online dating. Conversations turn to "Let me show you a few women I've emailed..." I tell them repeatedly that this has to be one option and they need to let it run in the background, but it seems to take over their every thought. For me, I keep a profile up on a free site and go through periods where I check matches on a daily basis (which increases visitors via the algorithm) but when I'm busy with my life, I don't think twice about it. At some point I'm confident I'll meet someone else, but in spite of at least 3 couples in my close circle who met online (gay and straight), I take it for what it is--just one of many opportunities that exist to meet someone I like who likes me back; that's where we're all 14, even if we're 40 or more!
I still strike up conversations in all sorts of places (doesn't have to be a bar) and you'd be amazed how some people can actually talk back. Have I met someone this way? Not yet, but I'm convinced that being out and about in the world and doing things that make you happy adds a glow that the best online dating photo just can't capture.
As my friends start divorcing it's my male pals who amuse me with their complete addiction to online dating. Conversations turn to "Let me show you a few women I've emailed..." I tell them repeatedly that this has to be one option and they need to let it run in the background, but it seems to take over their every thought. For me, I keep a profile up on a free site and go through periods where I check matches on a daily basis (which increases visitors via the algorithm) but when I'm busy with my life, I don't think twice about it. At some point I'm confident I'll meet someone else, but in spite of at least 3 couples in my close circle who met online (gay and straight), I take it for what it is--just one of many opportunities that exist to meet someone I like who likes me back; that's where we're all 14, even if we're 40 or more!
11
I could not identify with this article more. Right down to the guy leaving the country, which made my heart skip a beat because it was so familiar.
It's tiring to hear everyone say all the time how you should be happy with who you are and grateful for what you have, that being single is not so bad. All true, but what is so wrong with wanting to share your experiences with another person or have someone you know you can rely on and is there just for you? Or wanting to have someone who relies on you? Taking care of and loving someone has many great rewards.
As someone else mentioned about set ups, I have noticed that a recently single male friend of mine is constantly being set up by friends and acquaintances. He's out on a date at least once a week. Whenever I ask friends if they know of anyone for me they say that no one they no is good enough or single but "Hey *slap on the back*, you're great girl; any guy would be lucky to be with you." So who are all these women my guy friend is being set up with?
I'm happy by myself, most of the time. I remain hopeful, though, that there is someone out there for me.
It's tiring to hear everyone say all the time how you should be happy with who you are and grateful for what you have, that being single is not so bad. All true, but what is so wrong with wanting to share your experiences with another person or have someone you know you can rely on and is there just for you? Or wanting to have someone who relies on you? Taking care of and loving someone has many great rewards.
As someone else mentioned about set ups, I have noticed that a recently single male friend of mine is constantly being set up by friends and acquaintances. He's out on a date at least once a week. Whenever I ask friends if they know of anyone for me they say that no one they no is good enough or single but "Hey *slap on the back*, you're great girl; any guy would be lucky to be with you." So who are all these women my guy friend is being set up with?
I'm happy by myself, most of the time. I remain hopeful, though, that there is someone out there for me.
20
I suspect that friends are more careful in setting up female friends than they are for guy friends. Call it sexism, or just being protective of their female friends. I know many guys that I would NEVER intoduce to a female friend I care about. A guy's guy is not always someone you intoduce to your sister or good female friend. Let's face it; a lot of guys are hound dogs.
5
"Reason dictated that he did not die in a horrific crash but rather changed his mind about me."
He didn't change his mind as much as find someone more interesting.
"Some say the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting a different outcome."
I think that's the definition of stupidity. Could certainly work for either though.
He didn't change his mind as much as find someone more interesting.
"Some say the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting a different outcome."
I think that's the definition of stupidity. Could certainly work for either though.
4
Ms. Moses, this is a lovely article and I totally understand your loneliness. While I had dates, affairs and unrequited passions, I didn't actually meet my Love until I was 38. We met on match.com. He's 12 years younger than me (he found me), so I do recommend considering younger men, as they tend to celebrate strong cerebral women. They are fun and virile, too! In the 7 years we've been together, online dating has changed greatly, and not for the better. But here are some ideas that kept me sane that I hope might be helpful:
Don't give up. Ever. Maybe you have a date a month. Or less. But keep plugging at it. Even when I felt discouraged, I knew that I would keep dating until I met someone. I typically had a new date every 3-4 weeks. That's how long it took to vet them.
Date after work, and keep your weekends for yourself, your friends and your life. Find a nice, classy bar or cafe (no couches), have a drink for an hour and go home. If you like each other you can always move on to dinner or a second date. Save your days off for yourself.
Have high standards. Expect polite emails with complete sentences. Hold off on having sex, let him earn the right to your body. That doesn't preclude fooling around, however...
Consider someone who is not what you imagined for yourself. Date outside of the box. My boyfriend is not who I had imagined for myself, but he is exactly who I needed. Good luck and please write another article to let us know what happens!
Don't give up. Ever. Maybe you have a date a month. Or less. But keep plugging at it. Even when I felt discouraged, I knew that I would keep dating until I met someone. I typically had a new date every 3-4 weeks. That's how long it took to vet them.
Date after work, and keep your weekends for yourself, your friends and your life. Find a nice, classy bar or cafe (no couches), have a drink for an hour and go home. If you like each other you can always move on to dinner or a second date. Save your days off for yourself.
Have high standards. Expect polite emails with complete sentences. Hold off on having sex, let him earn the right to your body. That doesn't preclude fooling around, however...
Consider someone who is not what you imagined for yourself. Date outside of the box. My boyfriend is not who I had imagined for myself, but he is exactly who I needed. Good luck and please write another article to let us know what happens!
64
Good for you. Absolutely right; you need to have strong boundaries and honor them. Women are always being told we're "too picky" and either lowering our standards or second guessing our intuitions. With online dating, a person has to have high standards and yet, as you point out, be flexible about the search to open up the parameters.
5
I loved the article! Very well written. "Job interview with alcohol".., terrific. Now imagine yourself at 64, newly separated after 20 years of marriage, and trying to navigate a totally alien landscape. All I can say is OY!! Note the double exclamation marks.., I never knew they could be so powerful.
25
GWE wrote:
So, while you continue to turn over rocks in charge or suitable frog princes, spend as much time as you can doing things that make your life interesting and meaningful. Figure out what makes your days most enjoyable and do it. Invest in yourself now, because you still can. If and when you hitch up, never again will your life be so wholly yours. What will happen in this pursuit is one of two things: 1) You may find 'him' in the quest or 2) you might find something better--an improved version of yourself. Either way, the time will be better spent.
I second that and add that it applies at any age. Remember, married/matched people, a goodly proportion of you will become single again within the next five years. It may be easy, it may be bloody painful. (For me, it was the latter.) Keep in mind that are you are you, a wonderful and sufficient being all by yourself. Yes, there will be people who treat you unkindly because you are single -- more likely if you are female -- but who are those people who name themselves arbiters of the universe? They're stuck, that's what they are.
Meanwhile you are launched on a journey of survival, recovery and growth. Take full advantage of being single. Of course it's lonely, but so is being entangled with the wrong person. Grow yourself. Let yourself become the person you never thought possible -- resilient, informed, compassionate, funny, and someone you enjoy spending time with. You will like you better, and so will others.
So, while you continue to turn over rocks in charge or suitable frog princes, spend as much time as you can doing things that make your life interesting and meaningful. Figure out what makes your days most enjoyable and do it. Invest in yourself now, because you still can. If and when you hitch up, never again will your life be so wholly yours. What will happen in this pursuit is one of two things: 1) You may find 'him' in the quest or 2) you might find something better--an improved version of yourself. Either way, the time will be better spent.
I second that and add that it applies at any age. Remember, married/matched people, a goodly proportion of you will become single again within the next five years. It may be easy, it may be bloody painful. (For me, it was the latter.) Keep in mind that are you are you, a wonderful and sufficient being all by yourself. Yes, there will be people who treat you unkindly because you are single -- more likely if you are female -- but who are those people who name themselves arbiters of the universe? They're stuck, that's what they are.
Meanwhile you are launched on a journey of survival, recovery and growth. Take full advantage of being single. Of course it's lonely, but so is being entangled with the wrong person. Grow yourself. Let yourself become the person you never thought possible -- resilient, informed, compassionate, funny, and someone you enjoy spending time with. You will like you better, and so will others.
26
This is the best advice! Thank you!
1
Eleven years ago, I was in the same place. I was 41 years old, never married (and determined not to settle), professor of physics (try that at parties - it's a great conversation stopper) in a very small town. I had resigned myself to spinsterhood after yet another unsatisfying stint with online dating. I had just cancelled my subscription when one last e-mail snuck through. A photo of me on stilts on a beach stood out from the typical pictures of women standing next to their cars or glamorous head shots, said my last suitor. Sigh - one more date, but I wasn't going to let myself get my hopes up again. Our first date went so well we lost track of time and the waitress eventually had to politely ask us to give up our table. We were married about a year after our first date and are still crazy in love.
44
My first thought when I read "physics professor" was "How cool!" So sad you found that to be a conversation stopper. I had a good "Harumph!" on your behalf. I'm speaking as the spouse, for 41 yrs, of a biology professor, so I guess I'm just being consistent in finding really smart women fascinating. Anyway, glad you found a guy worthy of you!
8
Ha. Just found the wedding website of an acquaintance -- they met online. He says he liked the goofy faces she made on her profile.
A while back I glanced through a book by a woman about finally meeting someone online and getting married- she seemed baffled that she wasn't getting replies from the photo of her looking somber in a baggy raincoat. She did get responses from the photo where she's laughing, holding a wine glass, and wearing a form-fitting dress. Seems a shot showing personality and a sense of fun goes a long way.
Several young people I know met a spouse or long term SO at work. I know the prohibitions against dating at work but if it's a job one of you is willing to move to another job if things progress...Or if there aren't prohibitions...Hey they are employed, there are people around who know a lot about them, etc.
A while back I glanced through a book by a woman about finally meeting someone online and getting married- she seemed baffled that she wasn't getting replies from the photo of her looking somber in a baggy raincoat. She did get responses from the photo where she's laughing, holding a wine glass, and wearing a form-fitting dress. Seems a shot showing personality and a sense of fun goes a long way.
Several young people I know met a spouse or long term SO at work. I know the prohibitions against dating at work but if it's a job one of you is willing to move to another job if things progress...Or if there aren't prohibitions...Hey they are employed, there are people around who know a lot about them, etc.
1
Perhaps the Taylor Swift quote wasn't the best idea.
5
Sarah, you are a great writer! I really enjoyed the humor embedded in this piece.
13
OK, well here goes. I'm 59 and was in your position once upon a time. At 28 left a live-in relationship which I regretted for years. For 3 years placed and answered what were "the personal ads" in NY Magazine each and every week (expensive!). Nothing worked. I was suddenly almost 38 and kind of desperate.
At a party I met my best friend/husband. He's sweet, good looking and smart, but did I settle? Yes. We have one wonderful son who is now 16 and quite good looking, smart and sweet!
OK so here's my advise. Freeze your eggs. Seriously, do it. Then you can relax about dating. If things don't work at 43, turn to those embryos and go for it. You seem to have a successful career, you can do it alone. Then when you meet a great guy at 49 who has two beautiful children, you too will have your beautiful children and no pressure. Oh, and try hiking and biking, lots of guys there.
At a party I met my best friend/husband. He's sweet, good looking and smart, but did I settle? Yes. We have one wonderful son who is now 16 and quite good looking, smart and sweet!
OK so here's my advise. Freeze your eggs. Seriously, do it. Then you can relax about dating. If things don't work at 43, turn to those embryos and go for it. You seem to have a successful career, you can do it alone. Then when you meet a great guy at 49 who has two beautiful children, you too will have your beautiful children and no pressure. Oh, and try hiking and biking, lots of guys there.
21
Ask yourself why you ended that 8-year relationship, Sarah. It may be a clue as to why you are now jumping into the deep end of the pond--where there are so few fish when you are 40. Nevertheless, I enjoyed your writing. And see the other commenters' suggestions. I recommend getting a pet--any pet.
7
I wouldn't change a thing about you. You're funny, insightful, self-effacing. Few have all those qualities.
26
Try going for Dim Sum instead ! There are lots more varieties and much more delicious.
9
Well, you sound pretty cool to me...
12
The modern love column is always interesting and well written, but this is the first time I -- and I'm sure millions of other single adults -- have been able to relate to it. Real life is not a fairytale and there is no guarantee of happily-ever-after for anyone. But there is no escape from the yearning.
All the best to you Ms. Moses.
All the best to you Ms. Moses.
46
I loaf your writing style!! (2 exclamation points) Thank you for making me laugh/loaf at 6:50AM!! If we lived closer to one another, I would be honored and delighted to take you out on a date.
18
Mensa has a lopsided ratio of men to women ! (2 to 1). If you don't mind zany introverts, you might find a great catch.
http://us.mensa.org/reach-our-members/advertising/
http://us.mensa.org/reach-our-members/advertising/
4
Careful. It's your right, of course. MHO is that Mensa types think so highly of themselves (I've known some) that the brightness of their hubris makes their vision of and insight into people become dulled. Some tend to bathe in the glory of their own smartness. There is a difference between smart and wise.
2
I had one online date complain about my shoes (he preferred Coach shoes), and another about my wearing stockings. (I futilely attempted to explain that Pippa and Kate had brought them back to style.)
I ended up delving into the research on online dating and writing a book about it, "The Real Shark's Tank: The Truth about Online Dating for Women." https://www.amazon.com/Real-Sharks-Tank-Online-Dating-ebook/dp/B0189TSL0E
Believe it or not, a recent study found that you're less likely to marry while online dating, which will surprise no one who's done it for more than a week.
I ended up contacting other women on the same online dating site to dish about the men, and a group of us ended up meeting weekly for drinks. One of my girlfriends says it was the best thing that came from her online dating!
As far as the writer of this ML column finding a man specifically because she's funny, well, here's what the research says about men and funny women: http://www.salon.com/2006/01/30/funny_women/
I ended up delving into the research on online dating and writing a book about it, "The Real Shark's Tank: The Truth about Online Dating for Women." https://www.amazon.com/Real-Sharks-Tank-Online-Dating-ebook/dp/B0189TSL0E
Believe it or not, a recent study found that you're less likely to marry while online dating, which will surprise no one who's done it for more than a week.
I ended up contacting other women on the same online dating site to dish about the men, and a group of us ended up meeting weekly for drinks. One of my girlfriends says it was the best thing that came from her online dating!
As far as the writer of this ML column finding a man specifically because she's funny, well, here's what the research says about men and funny women: http://www.salon.com/2006/01/30/funny_women/
3
Sarah, I am about to turn 40, single after a serious relationship a few years back, also tried the online thing with equally hilarious/horrendous results (LOVED the sandwich episode), and I agree with every single sentiment in your story. Like you, I am not unhappy, have an interesting job, fantastic friends etc, and like you, have had my moments of utter and complete panic that I will never again experience the intimacy and comfort of a relationship again. And will die alone etc.
Towards the end of last year, I got very fed up with that constant anxiety, so my New Year's resolution was the opposite of most: quit online dating. It was making me needy, insecure and man-obsessed and frankly, all that swiping was taking up way too much time. And I am so glad I did. I used all that extra time to do new things, through which I met some great new people. No, I have not met a new romantic interest, but I am a happier person as a result.
So my take-away from the whole online experience is that I don't think going on endless internet dates is the way to any kind of happiness. A few punters might get lucky and find The One; most won't. New Yorkers tend to be ambitious, driven, goal-oriented people. Unfortunately, the same work ethic that leads to professional success does not apply to finding a partner. You can't work hard to make love and romance happen. The trope that it finds you when you least expect it is in my experience true. It's frustrating but true!
Best of luck to you.
Towards the end of last year, I got very fed up with that constant anxiety, so my New Year's resolution was the opposite of most: quit online dating. It was making me needy, insecure and man-obsessed and frankly, all that swiping was taking up way too much time. And I am so glad I did. I used all that extra time to do new things, through which I met some great new people. No, I have not met a new romantic interest, but I am a happier person as a result.
So my take-away from the whole online experience is that I don't think going on endless internet dates is the way to any kind of happiness. A few punters might get lucky and find The One; most won't. New Yorkers tend to be ambitious, driven, goal-oriented people. Unfortunately, the same work ethic that leads to professional success does not apply to finding a partner. You can't work hard to make love and romance happen. The trope that it finds you when you least expect it is in my experience true. It's frustrating but true!
Best of luck to you.
11
This was such a cute essay! I felt
like I was reading the story of my dating life. I'm sure many other women can relate as well. Bravo, Sarah!
like I was reading the story of my dating life. I'm sure many other women can relate as well. Bravo, Sarah!
5
Sometimes, love finds you. For me, it came when I least expected it. I met and married a man who came to the United States seeking a transfer to the advertising agency where I worked. He got his transfer and a wife in the process. In my opinion, it helps to keep an open mind. The problem is that online dating encourages decisions based upon love at first sight. Sometimes, you need to take a second or third look. I still think meeting the old fashioned way works the best - though friends and family, or in my case, through an employer.
3
Sarah, you wrote such a well-written and funny piece-- and I completely relate. I'm in my mid-30s and single. I do not like online dating at all; however, I still am doing it only because how else to meet men? I have heard that when you're busy doing things you love, you'll meet someone. In my case, I'm still doing the things I love but I haven't still met that someone. Perhaps it's because I get too involved to notice anyone. Men don't approach anymore like they used to pre-smart phone era and my initiating has never worked so I don't do it. I run,participate in long distance races, go to museums, festivals, and am out and about in the city with my friends. But I am also finishing my doctoral degree and so cannot do these things on regular basis.
I think what I have ultimately learned about myself from being on various dates is to just not have any expectations and try to think that it's like meeting a new classmate with no preconceived notions. Focus on enjoying the moment in that time when you're in a date with no expectations for any follow up calls or dates. Hard to do, I know, but it took me a long time to finally learn this. I try to think that everyone is looking to meet their special someone but that not a lot of people have social skills.
A friend of mine gave me great advice that was given to her by her mother. She said to me to think of it this way: You'll have either a great date or a fun story. :)
p.s. I loved all the advice by the commenters here.
I think what I have ultimately learned about myself from being on various dates is to just not have any expectations and try to think that it's like meeting a new classmate with no preconceived notions. Focus on enjoying the moment in that time when you're in a date with no expectations for any follow up calls or dates. Hard to do, I know, but it took me a long time to finally learn this. I try to think that everyone is looking to meet their special someone but that not a lot of people have social skills.
A friend of mine gave me great advice that was given to her by her mother. She said to me to think of it this way: You'll have either a great date or a fun story. :)
p.s. I loved all the advice by the commenters here.
12
A friend of mine met her husband (eventually) through Catholic Singles. Before she met him, she regaled us with stories about what she ended up calling the "freak of the month." Including a guy who told her (in the third person) about "Jim's" upcoming trial for arson and attempted murder, asking her what "Jim" should do about it (she's a lawyer). They were half way through dinner before she realized that he was Jim! (She called Catholic Singles after and told them they might want to get Jim off their list!)
3
A few years ago, I could have written this very article. I was living the "fab" single life on the Upper East Side: traveling, establishing my career, enjoying friends. But I wanted to be married. I wanted children. So I crafted the witty online profile and the dates were endless. The guy who cleaned out his wallet during the date. The guy who drank too much. The charming guy who vanished.
It was all so exhausting, when all I really wanted to do was curl up on my couch in my sweats with my cat. I "retired" from online dating, swearing I'd never do it again. Until the next time. Only this time, I decided to broaden my search and maybe consider men who lived in...gasp!...New Jersey. Good thing I did. I met my last online date at 37 and married him at 39. Here we are, nine years later, with two kids and a house in the burbs.
Don't give up. Just when you tell yourself you are never, ever, ever going on another date again, you may just find yourself sitting across the table from your future husband.
It was all so exhausting, when all I really wanted to do was curl up on my couch in my sweats with my cat. I "retired" from online dating, swearing I'd never do it again. Until the next time. Only this time, I decided to broaden my search and maybe consider men who lived in...gasp!...New Jersey. Good thing I did. I met my last online date at 37 and married him at 39. Here we are, nine years later, with two kids and a house in the burbs.
Don't give up. Just when you tell yourself you are never, ever, ever going on another date again, you may just find yourself sitting across the table from your future husband.
9
In January of 2002 - on one of those balmy evenings - I was standing at a bus stop, waiting for my colleague to pick me up in his car on the way to a rehearsal -
The bus stop happened to be at an intersection of the terminal for one of the major subway lines in New York City - where frantic commuters were rushing to make their connections on the way home from work...
Apparently, there was some type of traffic snafu up the road a bit - resulting delays in the buses and and a crowd of irritated commuters growing in size by the minute --
I had to keep moving away from the crowd to ensure my friend would be able to find me so we would not be late for work...
As I waited, I somehow began to chat with this very lovely woman who had been standing nearby while waiting for her bus - and we continued to chat for about ten or fifteen minutes, until my friend appeared with his car and we drove away...
That was in January, 2002 --
We were married in September of 2005 - and celebrated our tenth anniversary last fall.
Folks -- take your hand off the mouse and step away from the computer -- and get off your phones --
Because the person standing next to you at the traffic light - or in front of you on line at the supermarket - while both of you have your heads buried in your phones - could turn out to be the love of your life...
It's about risk - do you risk meeting a stranger you met online - or chatting with the one standing right next to you...?
The bus stop happened to be at an intersection of the terminal for one of the major subway lines in New York City - where frantic commuters were rushing to make their connections on the way home from work...
Apparently, there was some type of traffic snafu up the road a bit - resulting delays in the buses and and a crowd of irritated commuters growing in size by the minute --
I had to keep moving away from the crowd to ensure my friend would be able to find me so we would not be late for work...
As I waited, I somehow began to chat with this very lovely woman who had been standing nearby while waiting for her bus - and we continued to chat for about ten or fifteen minutes, until my friend appeared with his car and we drove away...
That was in January, 2002 --
We were married in September of 2005 - and celebrated our tenth anniversary last fall.
Folks -- take your hand off the mouse and step away from the computer -- and get off your phones --
Because the person standing next to you at the traffic light - or in front of you on line at the supermarket - while both of you have your heads buried in your phones - could turn out to be the love of your life...
It's about risk - do you risk meeting a stranger you met online - or chatting with the one standing right next to you...?
21
When I turned 40 I decided that it probably wasn't to be that I marry. I had been in relationships but they didn't work out. I moved into a new apartment and life was good with great friends and a job I enjoyed. On Labor Day weekend I visited a childhood girlfriend, also unmarried. We spent the weekend discussing the "meaning of life" and that it was OK to be single the rest of our lives. The next month, October, I met Charles at a party that I almost didn't attend. By January we were engaged, bought an apartment, and were married in June, 7 months after meeting. Whoever would have thought? We were married for 33 happy years before he fell ill and passed away. You just have to be open to the possibility that one day Prince Charming will walk into your life, Sarah.
26
Wow, honest! Everyone's journey is different. Great line, "job interview with alcohol.."
Made me wonder, though... when did online dating become more or less the only alternative to bars? My grandfather met his wife by writing letters to his air corpsman's sister.. the romantic arc of their story would put "When Harry met Sally" to shame.
I met my fiancé in a church basement, I don't even go to church -it was used for a meeting space for family members of substance abusers. It didn't even start for 2 years, so we knew each other first for a while.
At the time (following a breakup), many people told me, "It happens when you are not looking for it.." and I've come to believe that makes a kind of sense. The problem with bars and online dating is everyone's seeking, looking, longing, lusting... that kind of creeps me out in a way - it's a kind of app-mediated marketed loneliness. I've met people with arranged marriages that are, for what they are, at least more thought out.
I wonder if there's a better chance of finding one's partner just being happy walking down the street or getting a coffee, going to the theatre, bicycle club. Contentment is an attractive quality, and so is the vulnerability that's clearly underneath everything you shared.
Made me wonder, though... when did online dating become more or less the only alternative to bars? My grandfather met his wife by writing letters to his air corpsman's sister.. the romantic arc of their story would put "When Harry met Sally" to shame.
I met my fiancé in a church basement, I don't even go to church -it was used for a meeting space for family members of substance abusers. It didn't even start for 2 years, so we knew each other first for a while.
At the time (following a breakup), many people told me, "It happens when you are not looking for it.." and I've come to believe that makes a kind of sense. The problem with bars and online dating is everyone's seeking, looking, longing, lusting... that kind of creeps me out in a way - it's a kind of app-mediated marketed loneliness. I've met people with arranged marriages that are, for what they are, at least more thought out.
I wonder if there's a better chance of finding one's partner just being happy walking down the street or getting a coffee, going to the theatre, bicycle club. Contentment is an attractive quality, and so is the vulnerability that's clearly underneath everything you shared.
4
Don't take this as an insult or think I'm dismissing your concerns, but - sincerely - you're likely too picky. You readily admit you've been on tons of dates and some four and five times with the same guy. By the fifth date you really are basically bf and gf and if you're not, well then you're probably subconsciously looking for reasons to break it off. It could be them doing that but, like I said, you've been on tons of dates and this keeps happening. Youre obviously smart and funny and probably hot (because you keep getting tinder matches) so it's hard to believe there hasn't been ONE normal, decent guy in the mix when you've been on so many dates. For example, that comment about you being okay with your "hooked nose" is the kind of thing I would've said. It's meant to be funny and irreverent/obnoxious with a hint of a compliment in there. It's too bad you hang out with people that wouldn't see that or that get offended. They're probably not helping your search either.
7
As an online dating profile ghostwriter and someone who schedules dates for my clients, I can say that unfortunately there is no way around awkward dates like those in this story.
With that said, however, you can save yourself a lot of time and energy by outsourcing your online dating and having someone manage your dating site inboxes and messaging.
With that said, however, you can save yourself a lot of time and energy by outsourcing your online dating and having someone manage your dating site inboxes and messaging.
2
Great ... So now we are all going to have to settle for people who can't even make up their own lies about themselves!
16
I went through this the latter part of my 20's and early 30's. The very same fears. I accepted low standards and was still unseuccessful. Then all of a sudden a switch flicked in my head - that's it: no more accepting low expectations. And without seeing it or looking for it - bumped right into my now husband. Maybe that's what's required - assertion that actually you count before someone you don't even know.
23
It feels like you are looking for a needle in a haystack, doesn't it?
I remember feeling exactly like you did. In fact, about a month before I met my husband, I calculated the odds based on prior experiences and concluded I better start considering single adoption. I was THAT convinced that statistically, it was very unlikely that I would meet anybody that I liked *that much* who would like me back, *that much*. That was 20 years ago and we are still crazy into each other, happily married, parents and still best friends.
.....and it happened to most of my friends. Not all, but most.
I will give you the advice I gave my niece. When you eventually do find "him", your life will change irrevocably and you will look back at these days with nostalgia and longing. You are still at an age when you get to define yourself.
So, while you continue to turn over rocks in charge or suitable frog princes, spend as much time as you can doing things that make your life interesting and meaningful. Figure out what makes your days most enjoyable and do it. Invest in yourself now, because you still can. If and when you hitch up, never again will your life be so wholly yours.
What will happen in this pursuit is one of two things: 1) You may find 'him' in the quest or 2) you might find something better--an improved version of yourself. Either way, the time will be better spent.
I'd say you are off to a great start--a Modern Love essay and all!
He who gets you will be lucky indeed.
I remember feeling exactly like you did. In fact, about a month before I met my husband, I calculated the odds based on prior experiences and concluded I better start considering single adoption. I was THAT convinced that statistically, it was very unlikely that I would meet anybody that I liked *that much* who would like me back, *that much*. That was 20 years ago and we are still crazy into each other, happily married, parents and still best friends.
.....and it happened to most of my friends. Not all, but most.
I will give you the advice I gave my niece. When you eventually do find "him", your life will change irrevocably and you will look back at these days with nostalgia and longing. You are still at an age when you get to define yourself.
So, while you continue to turn over rocks in charge or suitable frog princes, spend as much time as you can doing things that make your life interesting and meaningful. Figure out what makes your days most enjoyable and do it. Invest in yourself now, because you still can. If and when you hitch up, never again will your life be so wholly yours.
What will happen in this pursuit is one of two things: 1) You may find 'him' in the quest or 2) you might find something better--an improved version of yourself. Either way, the time will be better spent.
I'd say you are off to a great start--a Modern Love essay and all!
He who gets you will be lucky indeed.
204
A wonderful comment!!
8
I really like you, but I am a girl. If I have to take a guess why things have not worked out for you this far, I'd guess your intelligence is getting in the way. Intelligence plus some whimsy usually suggest idiosyncratic tastes. It is harder for you to find someone on the same wavelength, which explains why you were more hurt by the rejection of a sandwich with whom you'd exchanged some fun, non-stale banter. Keep looking, time may be the solution. After all, “all it takes is one."
27
I promise it's just as hard for the dumb as is it is for the smart to find a good partner. I am tired of people (women) assuming that being smart is a liability. My experience was the opposite, especially in Los Angeles where there are (I'm sorry) fewer smart women than in New York. Because I could talk good (joke!) I got a lot more attention. In New York I am more a dime a dozen (smart, glasses, brown hair) but still somehow magically already married. It was a combination of grit ( just keep doing the crazy thing, go on more dates) and believing in myself and life.
2
Why is it the woman needs to "dumb herself down" to meet a man? Who started this line of fiction? Same with, we're "too picky", "too funny" whatever. Then we're pitted against each other as wives by political candidates. If you are being your authentic self, you will attract the person who loves all of who you are. No need to change a thing.
6
I think it is a fact that more women have college degrees than men, so not every college educated girl will find a college educated guy.
1
I online dated for many years in New York and made a couple of great friends. Finding a sustainable relationship was more challenging. Frankly I've often just enjoyed being single. I had a great circle of friends, many interests and pursued my career. I met my now-fiancé the old fashioned way - we were fixed up by friends. We left New York some years ago and now I suggest to many women that it is seriously worth considering moving if you want to meet someone for a committed relationship. There are more men that women in NYC, they have their pick, and boy, do some of them know it. There are far better and nicer options in other cities but regardless of where you are, the dating world has just changed in the last 20 years. Less manners, more demands for sex with virtual strangers, and no compunction about not following up or just ghosting. For every guy that has his eye out for a better option, there's also a woman with a list of desirable characteristics and status symbols so it cuts both ways. For all that, be careful for what you wish for! I still find cohabitation a challenge and think any relationships require effort. Good luck out there!
89
I find this article to be completely accurate and relate-able as a male. I likewise found myself single after an 8 year relationship - in 2012 no less - and at the age of 25, I believed the best days were ahead and I truly approached the situation with optimism.
I was super successful with Tinder, at an almost comical rate and it even spawned a near year-long relationship - that ended miserably. My next relationship was not via Tinder, but was representative of the swipe-right culture it presents. Compromises are not made because there's a pool of eligible singles right in your pocket.
Tinder has somewhat created a culture where you're reduced to 5 pictures and short tagline. A few drinks, maybe sex, and then swipe to the next person. For both sexes.
As a male, I find it increasingly difficult to be in a traditional relationship (home, kids, 5am hockey practices) when the other party can easily swipe to the next mate to provide them with, not so much stability, but a personal, perpetual Coachella. Online dating gives you a scenario where if the person doesn't meet one item on your list of criteria, you're encouraged to swipe again, go on another date, use another app, or another service, that the right person is there if you keep swiping.
I was reluctant to get into online dating at first, but as my buddy pointed out, single women are meeting single men this way. Walk into any bar in 2016 and people are swiping through Tinder. The alternative? None.
I was super successful with Tinder, at an almost comical rate and it even spawned a near year-long relationship - that ended miserably. My next relationship was not via Tinder, but was representative of the swipe-right culture it presents. Compromises are not made because there's a pool of eligible singles right in your pocket.
Tinder has somewhat created a culture where you're reduced to 5 pictures and short tagline. A few drinks, maybe sex, and then swipe to the next person. For both sexes.
As a male, I find it increasingly difficult to be in a traditional relationship (home, kids, 5am hockey practices) when the other party can easily swipe to the next mate to provide them with, not so much stability, but a personal, perpetual Coachella. Online dating gives you a scenario where if the person doesn't meet one item on your list of criteria, you're encouraged to swipe again, go on another date, use another app, or another service, that the right person is there if you keep swiping.
I was reluctant to get into online dating at first, but as my buddy pointed out, single women are meeting single men this way. Walk into any bar in 2016 and people are swiping through Tinder. The alternative? None.
74
Well, choose a location other than a bar.
4
Jay, you are spot on! The biggest impediment to a stable relationship may actually be an unending and infinite parade of faces that will always be available. Maybe we just have to resign ourselves to what used to be called "settling" and get on with it.
2
@Jay
There are alternatives. Take a chance on talking to that woman at the grocery store, hardware store, book store. Join an ethical society, a meet-up group (or whatever your thing is). Volunteer at an animal shelter.
There are alternatives. Take a chance on talking to that woman at the grocery store, hardware store, book store. Join an ethical society, a meet-up group (or whatever your thing is). Volunteer at an animal shelter.
4
A brave piece to write and to sign your own name to...I empathize. I was single by choice, had a fab career and traveled. Then one day, I realized I wanted kids. I really, really wanted to experience motherhood. I was 36 years old, and had to step back and ask myself if it was likely for me to meet a compatible
mate. I decided to change some things. I left a large city I had called home for 12 years, changed jobs and decided to simply 'be open' to meeting someone...should they come along.
I met my husband-to-be less than a month later. He and I had both just moved into town. We married 10 months later and are still together (21 years later), with three beautiful kids.
Don't give up on yourself, Sarah. Live your life with purpose and I feel someone will come along. If you feel 'desparate', despondent, lonely...that's usually easily sensed by others. Believe in yourself and remember...there's more than one blueprint to a purposeful and happy life.
Good luck!
mate. I decided to change some things. I left a large city I had called home for 12 years, changed jobs and decided to simply 'be open' to meeting someone...should they come along.
I met my husband-to-be less than a month later. He and I had both just moved into town. We married 10 months later and are still together (21 years later), with three beautiful kids.
Don't give up on yourself, Sarah. Live your life with purpose and I feel someone will come along. If you feel 'desparate', despondent, lonely...that's usually easily sensed by others. Believe in yourself and remember...there's more than one blueprint to a purposeful and happy life.
Good luck!
68
A lot of women in their mid-30s who realize what is called 'I forgot to have kids!' do not ever have them, so best that they know this about themselves in their 20s.
3
OK, as one of the few male commenters here, I have to say that you need not worry. Clearly you're an intellectual, a bit inwardly directed, but willing to make yourself the center of jokes that make others laugh. That is sort of the description of me too. Quick overview on me: I dated twice as a young person (I'm 41), and didn't get the excitement of prom. I was focused on career, etc. at 22 I broke all the rules when I moved from AZ to Philadelphia. I became enamored of a fellow coworker, 44, who was a Southern belle with a Bourbon core who had wit and vinegar that stung all the men who "wanted" her. I was the only one who consistently laughed at her biting criticisms. Not knowing she was exiting a flat marriage, alcohol brought the belle (Patsy) and the boy's school preppy borgeois together. After 15 years of "living in sin," we were married. That was 3.5 years ago. We are chums, fellow travelers, drinking buddies, co-art critics, and ever so happy together. Is it odd that I'm so much younger? Yes, and no. Who cares, I was always younger than everyone I "hung out" with. Hey, just have friends. I'd get a gluten-free beer with ya!
40
The NYTimes is such a mind reader! Or it's got a theme going.
The next article I proceeded to read was this: Sexual Freelancing in the Gig Economy to be found at http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/15/opinion/sexual-freelancing-in-the-gig-...®ion=Marginalia&pgtype=article.
The next article I proceeded to read was this: Sexual Freelancing in the Gig Economy to be found at http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/15/opinion/sexual-freelancing-in-the-gig-...®ion=Marginalia&pgtype=article.
6
I really thought that this essay would have a happy ending. It still may.
4
I thought it did.
They don't always show up. Things don't always work out. Despite your best efforts and trying your hardest, sometimes nothing works. You have to face it and be honest. You go on and try to live your best life.
34
My own attempts at dating (after gently breaking up with a man 20 years younger -- he wanted children and I was beyond that one precious thing) led me to deduce that the intelligent, passionate-about-SOMETHING man with whom I could have forged a happy life cares only about size-8 sparkly-teethed submissive blondes with the brains of a cricket.
16
There's always room for some moderately bitter comment by a woman.
3
The brains of a cricket.
I laughed so hard I am certain I will never forget that phrase ...
I laughed so hard I am certain I will never forget that phrase ...
8
...reliably followed by a vicious retort by some dude....
9
Although a tough piece of advice, it's the "unexpected" that gets the prize. In other words, what you don't see coming can fill that void. So, when you least expect it, happiness arrives. It's a bit fatalistic, I know, but our culture places too much emphasis on strategy. IMHO, love doesn't work that way.
25
The nose guy is an obvious PUA. I forwarded the article to my daughters as a warning. Guys are still buying that stuff.
I'm guessing the sandwich is a bot. It doesn't take much to pass the Turing Test these days.
I'm guessing the sandwich is a bot. It doesn't take much to pass the Turing Test these days.
13
How can someone so obviously smart, funny and charming not find her Prince Charming in a city of millions? That's actually kind of scary. Why is it so difficult?
Good luck on your search. You're a catch and I think you'll find your someone worth waiting for soon.
Good luck on your search. You're a catch and I think you'll find your someone worth waiting for soon.
15
Because she is precisely all of these things. Smart, funny and charming are difficult--as a male friend once said to me--"everything is a negotiation with a smart woman--I want easy." It's utterly sickening--but absolutely true.
8
@ KImberly Smithsom
"Smart, funny and charming are difficult"
Aside from the fact that she is not particularly funny and should drop that asap, not all smart women (or men) are 'difficult' which is, after all, a choice.
"Smart, funny and charming are difficult"
Aside from the fact that she is not particularly funny and should drop that asap, not all smart women (or men) are 'difficult' which is, after all, a choice.
1
If you are waking up in the middle of the night in a state of panic that you will be alone for the rest of your life then stop dealing with personal ads and run, don't walk, to a therapist.
You may also want to think about moving out of NYC. Despite how much they try to convince themselves of it, no one is happy there because you never really "live" there; you just experience it.
And until you can live, truly live, you will never be happy with yourself.
You may also want to think about moving out of NYC. Despite how much they try to convince themselves of it, no one is happy there because you never really "live" there; you just experience it.
And until you can live, truly live, you will never be happy with yourself.
9
I have lived in NYC and suburbs my entire 61 years. I am happy, my wife is happy, my adult children are happy and most of my friends are happy. Most of us have forged lifetime, loving relationships. NYC is not necessarily a dating war zone. There is love to be found.
1
Did you mean "perform" rather than "experience"?
I got the same sense,though I'm a Canadian not living in NY. I somehow construed this image of a slide show, of a never-ending performance by people who are neurotic, class-conscious, with a veneer of liberalism about them that quickly dissipates when put to test.
I got the same sense,though I'm a Canadian not living in NY. I somehow construed this image of a slide show, of a never-ending performance by people who are neurotic, class-conscious, with a veneer of liberalism about them that quickly dissipates when put to test.
1
that's silly.plenty of people are happy here.in fact here. in fact I moved here from L.A.to meet a guy because I was older, and I did. to the writer, change something in your life!
1
As a middle-aged widower, I'm fascinated re-entering the dating scene.
As Sarah Rose herself observed, "...you have to be happy with yourself..." first. But who are the unhappiest people in America? 42-year old single women. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201109/meet-the-l.... The few times I've been out with age-appropriate women, I feel like I'm being assaulted by a sharply honed shopping list.
Which has led me to believe, only half in jest, that happy women willing to tolerate the idiosyncrasies that the X-chromosome engenders (literally) are all happily partnered up and tolerating. Leaving terribly picky shoppers who are going to dismiss me on first handshake.
There are actually probably very sound evolutionary reasons for this female dissatisfaction. Alas, I'm a writer, not a psychologist, social scientist or evolutionary biologist. If any one could confirm, deny or explain these observations, I'd be delighted to know.
As Sarah Rose herself observed, "...you have to be happy with yourself..." first. But who are the unhappiest people in America? 42-year old single women. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201109/meet-the-l.... The few times I've been out with age-appropriate women, I feel like I'm being assaulted by a sharply honed shopping list.
Which has led me to believe, only half in jest, that happy women willing to tolerate the idiosyncrasies that the X-chromosome engenders (literally) are all happily partnered up and tolerating. Leaving terribly picky shoppers who are going to dismiss me on first handshake.
There are actually probably very sound evolutionary reasons for this female dissatisfaction. Alas, I'm a writer, not a psychologist, social scientist or evolutionary biologist. If any one could confirm, deny or explain these observations, I'd be delighted to know.
7
I was in my 40s, never married, always looking for the right guy, critical of each man in the worst way (as always). Finally, after much soul searching, I "looked at myself in the mirror" and realized a lot of the times it was me. (Many, many times it was not, just like you write. ). Once this self-therapy sunk in, I now have been happily married for 9 years. Take a self-evaluation and/or go to therapy.
5
I think they've waited so long that they think they should get everything on their list, not realizing they'll get less as they age.
5
Perhaps the wisest thing I've ever heard about romantic love is: The reason a person loves you is how you make that person feel about him or herself. To be loved one must love and love is not feeling, it's action.
28
Sarah!
I loaf your rye wit. As a single man trying to date in San Francisco (where the ratio of educated heterosexual men to educated to women is inversely proportional to that of NY), I feel your pain (je sens le pain?).
Hey, maybe we should swap cities? The only downside is that all the sandwich here are gluten free.
I loaf your rye wit. As a single man trying to date in San Francisco (where the ratio of educated heterosexual men to educated to women is inversely proportional to that of NY), I feel your pain (je sens le pain?).
Hey, maybe we should swap cities? The only downside is that all the sandwich here are gluten free.
170
Do you think authors read our replies? If she doesn't speak French, she won't understand your pun.
Why didn't you include your email in case she reads the responses?
Why didn't you include your email in case she reads the responses?
3
Sarah,
I also feel your pain- but don't despair, you just have to keep trying! My favorite was the guy, who on our second date, was deeply upset that he would have to use a parking meter. He didn't have change on him, and when I offered him some from my purse, he got even more upset and went into the restaurant to get some from them instead. Men are weird, for sure.
I also feel your pain- but don't despair, you just have to keep trying! My favorite was the guy, who on our second date, was deeply upset that he would have to use a parking meter. He didn't have change on him, and when I offered him some from my purse, he got even more upset and went into the restaurant to get some from them instead. Men are weird, for sure.
15
Too late to trade my sexless marriage for that Bacon, Egg and Cheese sandwich? Sounds yummy!
44
Sweet girl. There are at least 12 ways to live your life and all of them are good. Remember this when you are alone and be glad you're not with a wife beater (emotional, physical, or financial), an energy vampire, or a psychopath. Not terribly reassuring perhaps if you're stuck believing the only way to be happy is with a man. Alas, reminding yourself of this can get you through solitary holidays, weekends, and "stay at home" times when you can't go because it's a couples-only event. Ignore, if you can, the attention given to happy couples, whether straight or or gay or androgynous. They may not be as cheery all the time as they seem; they may even be lonely in their relationships. Nonetheless, as my dear aunt who is 98 told me: you are still young, anything is possible. And, having many more years at "dating" under my belt than you, I can safely say, no one of the 12 ways to live your life is better than another. They're all good. Enjoy yours. Even a good sandwich is hard to find. And one final bit of advice: always sleep with one eye open! Because he is out there.
20
Cute! What are those twelve ways? Would you please & thank you elaborate before the comments section is closed?
I'm pretty convinced one must be pets; my adorable creatures make me happy and keep me in great shape, emotionally and otherwise.
Travelling must be also on your list, along with a good book and a glass of wine after a little gardening.
But I do have to confess to an episode from over a decade ago: someone brought me pictures of puppy seals sunning on the rocks in New Zealand, real pictures taken by himself, not postcards. At that moment, I imploded; there was so much beauty in the world that I couldn't embrace and shared with anyone in my life. Some atavistic reaction to a fundamental genetic inscription: the need to share life.
Having gone through bad experiences like yourself, no relationship is better than a toxic one - and I do appreciate the "energy vampire" so much! I'm relieved to live peacefully with the few people,lovely four-legged dependents, and whatever else available to people in my income bracket. I wasted so much of myself trying to make things work with some variety of a sociopath or another, that I'm really grateful to be alone at last.
I'm pretty convinced one must be pets; my adorable creatures make me happy and keep me in great shape, emotionally and otherwise.
Travelling must be also on your list, along with a good book and a glass of wine after a little gardening.
But I do have to confess to an episode from over a decade ago: someone brought me pictures of puppy seals sunning on the rocks in New Zealand, real pictures taken by himself, not postcards. At that moment, I imploded; there was so much beauty in the world that I couldn't embrace and shared with anyone in my life. Some atavistic reaction to a fundamental genetic inscription: the need to share life.
Having gone through bad experiences like yourself, no relationship is better than a toxic one - and I do appreciate the "energy vampire" so much! I'm relieved to live peacefully with the few people,lovely four-legged dependents, and whatever else available to people in my income bracket. I wasted so much of myself trying to make things work with some variety of a sociopath or another, that I'm really grateful to be alone at last.
9
I'm an old invisible married guy who enjoyed your article a lot, and even though we didn't have online dating back then, some of your stories seemed somehow familiar, meaning I identified with you, until I recalled my clumsiness was I'm sure leavened with defensive chauvinism / male ego, etc. but still those boys you met seem pretty hopeless and you shouldn't feel bad. I thought I had some advice for you but I guess I forgot it. Sorry.
28
You sound like someone I once knew.
It's obvious the author over-analyzes things. A lot of people have this problem, one thing that will get you much farther much faster is to speak your mind a little more and not internalize everything and think yourself into circles. Tell the idiot with his bike shoes on to take that crap off, ask offensive guy why you would want to be with someone who has dentures at 30? Getting it out at that moment will keep it from weighing you down mentally later.
14
Everyone says you have to be happy with yourself before you can find happiness with someone else. I find that notion extremely frustrating. I am happy enough. ... But I am not going to say the loneliness isn’t palpable, that I don’t wake up in the middle of the night in a state of panic... Between panic attacks, I have continued to put myself out there....
Good fun article, can relate to it. Re: above quotes from your piece. I think it's quite possible (probable?) that you're using 'state of panic' and 'panic attacks' as a way of saying that you're concerned about being alone.
However, if not, and you do experience panic and panic attacks on a regular basis, you're not 'happy with yourself', you are not even in a state of reasonably good mental health. Panic attacks are - to put it mildly - a symptom of poor mental health, and you might consider taking some steps to address this.
Good fun article, can relate to it. Re: above quotes from your piece. I think it's quite possible (probable?) that you're using 'state of panic' and 'panic attacks' as a way of saying that you're concerned about being alone.
However, if not, and you do experience panic and panic attacks on a regular basis, you're not 'happy with yourself', you are not even in a state of reasonably good mental health. Panic attacks are - to put it mildly - a symptom of poor mental health, and you might consider taking some steps to address this.
5
The reason Mr. Sandwich did not contact you again is not your fault. The fact that he did not post a photo is one clue. He may be married, or he may be scared of really pursuing a relationship. Many hide behind their on-line personas.
17
Loved the article. I would take you out on a date any day that works Sarah. I'm a 28 elemetary school teacher who just moved back to New York. You just let me know. Lettuce meat with low eggspectaction....terrible sandwich pun
66
I am by no means a dating guru but I have dated up until 42 and has been chronically single too.
If you meet men but find you are not connecting, find what is wrong with your picker. You might be simply sabotaging yourself. And honestly from my experience, doing the same thing did not work once, when I met husband to be. So if you experience something that does not fit in, keep open mind, it may be it!
If you are not meeting men at all, and that is the problem in the first place. It may mean you do not make friends with people easy or you are isolated. If you have difficulty meeting people (both sexes), then it may mean you are not open emotionally. And that might be something you may have to work on in order to get rid of "doing the same thing over and over).
There is an element of luck of meeting a good person to date, but there is absolutely no luck keeping the good person. In other words, if you close doors too soon because you shared anecdotal story with your friends who did not approve, you will never find anyone.
If you find all the guys you are meeting are wrong, ask yourself, can that many people be wrong and you are right? If yes, why are you picking or attracting all these same weird men? If no, why are you running or what are you running away from?
Loneliness: Accept you are alone. Accept you have friends. Accept what you are missing is not people but love. The "palpable" feeling is lack of love.
If you meet men but find you are not connecting, find what is wrong with your picker. You might be simply sabotaging yourself. And honestly from my experience, doing the same thing did not work once, when I met husband to be. So if you experience something that does not fit in, keep open mind, it may be it!
If you are not meeting men at all, and that is the problem in the first place. It may mean you do not make friends with people easy or you are isolated. If you have difficulty meeting people (both sexes), then it may mean you are not open emotionally. And that might be something you may have to work on in order to get rid of "doing the same thing over and over).
There is an element of luck of meeting a good person to date, but there is absolutely no luck keeping the good person. In other words, if you close doors too soon because you shared anecdotal story with your friends who did not approve, you will never find anyone.
If you find all the guys you are meeting are wrong, ask yourself, can that many people be wrong and you are right? If yes, why are you picking or attracting all these same weird men? If no, why are you running or what are you running away from?
Loneliness: Accept you are alone. Accept you have friends. Accept what you are missing is not people but love. The "palpable" feeling is lack of love.
6
Sarah- I have found okCupid to be similarly atrocious. People who join it are not serious because it's free. I have met married men who use it because they have no credit card trail and lie and say they are just separated. You're not crazy - okCupid just sucks and blind online dating is no fun. Thanks for validating my experience.
16
Why do all these Modern Love stories in the NYT have to be so self-deprecating. Is a happy ending story really that uninteresting these days?
12
Online dating is bad because you are trying to find a mate amung people YOU DON'T KNOW. You use error-prone first impressions to to decide to pursue some people but reject others. You don't get a chance to see how this person behaves in non-dating situations before dating them.
And remember, dating is a skill: the person with the best dating skills worked very hard for them, and will probably not give up dating for you.
And remember, dating is a skill: the person with the best dating skills worked very hard for them, and will probably not give up dating for you.
9
You're absolutely fantastic - single or coupled. A first rate mind!
7
Dating. It's different now. It'd all so casual and indifferent. It's is predicated on the notion that there are , thanks to the internet, a billion fish in the sea and as such, endless opportunities. The internet took a basically fundamental human form of interaction, and turned it into a Chinese fire drill of musical chairs.
The kinks have not been ironed out yet. So, you end up kissing a lot of frogs. Or more like, listening to alot of drek, knocking back a few beers, and biding your time until you can gracefully exit, stage left.
I'd suggest getting a dog, or cat. Take a class. Volunteer. Live your life. And meet someone the old fashioned way. In the meantime, make yourself happy.
The kinks have not been ironed out yet. So, you end up kissing a lot of frogs. Or more like, listening to alot of drek, knocking back a few beers, and biding your time until you can gracefully exit, stage left.
I'd suggest getting a dog, or cat. Take a class. Volunteer. Live your life. And meet someone the old fashioned way. In the meantime, make yourself happy.
22
I met a woman who could see demons and assured me that there was one lurking about my property. She also had one turn her house upside down as she approached it once. And she could feel the presence of her ex-husband anytime he crossed into the city limits of Idaho Falls where I lived at the time. I dated her for a year anyway and it was mostly great. You have to pick the crazy you can live with, but there is often a time frame that determines what you can live with.
17
Best comment of the bunch (:
1
OHMY I could have written this! I've had the same experiences, maybe with the same men! Maybe all these men are just on some rotation schedule, some days wearing cleats, some days wearing ridiculous cowboy boots. Some days commenting on our noses, other days on our height (hellloooo you knew I was tall), on our jewellery (he actually said: with that silver necklace you should be at the Plaza bar picking up rich men), or generally making themselves completely unlikable. But I have faith! Why not have faith? What's the alternative?
Thank you for your article Sarah!
Thank you for your article Sarah!
30
This is the best ML column I've read in a really long time. It all rings true, based on my own experience. I too struggle to not fall for the sandwiches, but sometimes they're the only thing out there . . . . I'm a bit older, and the problem I find is that a lot of men my age have totally old-fashioned views about women. I don't fit any of the stereotypes so most find me unfamiliar territory and simply want the girl next door. Maybe I need to move to NYC? (Joke!)
15
OMG you are precious! Absolutely the best piece I have EVER read on being single. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us :)
8
Pro tip:
Stop watching romantic comedies. Research has shown that they unconsciously skew your expectations (and maybe your behavior) into unrealistic territory with the predictably disastrous consequences for finding someone.
Plus, a single person watching romantic comedies is like a dieter watching cooking shows or a prisoner watching nature or outdoors shows. Do yourself a favor.
Stop watching romantic comedies. Research has shown that they unconsciously skew your expectations (and maybe your behavior) into unrealistic territory with the predictably disastrous consequences for finding someone.
Plus, a single person watching romantic comedies is like a dieter watching cooking shows or a prisoner watching nature or outdoors shows. Do yourself a favor.
9
This is exaclty my story right now...tho i am in 50s so its even harder. I divorced my husband and after three years of online dating, I have come to see i made a grave mistake. I had a good and decent man with a few quirks and i also saw everthing in B&w. I Have learned not to do that anymore, but a little too late. Good luck...
13
If you have learned that, you are way ahead of the game.
Also: you'd have far, far better luck in any other city except one of the big coastal cities (SF, LA, NYC, Boston, etc.). The ratio of men to women is skewed there, plus yearly there is a massive influx of young women wanting to have careers (or in LA, go into the film business). It makes the men feel like they have endless choices at an all-you-can-eat buffet -- even if they are very ordinary guys without looks or wealth.
Though being in your 50s is in some ways harder -- in other ways, it is easier. You don't have to worry about a biological clock. You probably are settled, have a career and a home. You know what you want out of life. You've learned a lot; you are the "sadder but wiser" woman.
Don't give up.
Also: you'd have far, far better luck in any other city except one of the big coastal cities (SF, LA, NYC, Boston, etc.). The ratio of men to women is skewed there, plus yearly there is a massive influx of young women wanting to have careers (or in LA, go into the film business). It makes the men feel like they have endless choices at an all-you-can-eat buffet -- even if they are very ordinary guys without looks or wealth.
Though being in your 50s is in some ways harder -- in other ways, it is easier. You don't have to worry about a biological clock. You probably are settled, have a career and a home. You know what you want out of life. You've learned a lot; you are the "sadder but wiser" woman.
Don't give up.
2
@Kaffen: Sobering words. My hunch is most of us, regardless of gender, have been there, have regrets, and wish things could have been different if only we had wisdom. From Alexander Hamilton: "I never expect perfect work from imperfect man ." (Or woman). It sometimes takes pain to acquire wisdom. I wish you only good things.
1
Thank you for giving a voice to the experience of being single, feeling alone and slogging through online dating. May I suggest that you try lunch as a first date instead of the bar? A sober 'job interview' in the middle of the day where you both have somewhere to be on either end. No awkward lingering and no risk of having had too much alcohol and no food to fuel and mask inappropriate comments. Don't give up and I agree, link to this column!
59
I totally agree! I lived in NYC for ten years and I met my husband through online dating. I always made the first date a lunch date or a meet up at a museum. You have real conversations in the light of day. I met some great people through online dating and some that that were not so great. I just made sure to keep it all in perspective. If you live in NYC then people are busy -- they move on if it isn't a good fit. But when it is then they stick around. At least that was my experience. I operated on the same basis.
3
Some insights from my own experience with mostly online dating after 20 years marriage & painful divorce:
1. Have coffee, not a date, as a first step. That's enough to know if you have an interest in exploring any spark. Your time is more valuable than to invest further.
2. Be lighthearted, curious and without expectations - this makes for an adventure rather than an anxiety flavored chore.
3. Focus on the person, not the package you expect it to be wrapped in.
4. Reexamine your profile - have you clearly reflected who you are as a person & what you are looking for in another person?
This can be a scary and tedious process when viewed as win/lose. The lessons I learned above gave me the freedom to enjoy these coffees, observing behaviors and learning for myself what felt right. They also eventually led me to a wonderful man in an unexpected package with whom I share a joyful life based on mutual respect and deep appreciation for each day.
Interestingly enough, a number of other friends (albeit we are all 50 ) have come to the same conclusion and are enjoying love and life in a way we didn't earlier, held back by the reverberations of the wrong kind of "what if's..."
1. Have coffee, not a date, as a first step. That's enough to know if you have an interest in exploring any spark. Your time is more valuable than to invest further.
2. Be lighthearted, curious and without expectations - this makes for an adventure rather than an anxiety flavored chore.
3. Focus on the person, not the package you expect it to be wrapped in.
4. Reexamine your profile - have you clearly reflected who you are as a person & what you are looking for in another person?
This can be a scary and tedious process when viewed as win/lose. The lessons I learned above gave me the freedom to enjoy these coffees, observing behaviors and learning for myself what felt right. They also eventually led me to a wonderful man in an unexpected package with whom I share a joyful life based on mutual respect and deep appreciation for each day.
Interestingly enough, a number of other friends (albeit we are all 50 ) have come to the same conclusion and are enjoying love and life in a way we didn't earlier, held back by the reverberations of the wrong kind of "what if's..."
5
I hope Sarah Moses finds love soon. She is funny as hell. Don't guys realize that is the most important quality? I mean, behind kindness. Grab this woman, single men of NY!
15
Live your life on your terms! Marriage is a negotiation.
Plus, we all want what we don't have.
Plus, we all want what we don't have.
5
Don't give up kiddo. You've got the wit. You've got the personality. Someone will be smart enough to see it sooner or later.
10
Here's the problem: women are indoctrinated, brain-washed, from birth to feel and believe that, without a man, they are only incomplete halves of a whole. Little girls are taught the Cinderella story in many different forms, and they learn that the only thing in life is their "Big Day"; that they are non-persons, either spinster or the little wife, before and after.
Once you've figured this out you will be free to enjoy your very own life as it unfolds, and to be so very grateful that you didn't grab the first "sandwich" on the buffet.
Self-confidence is very attractive.
Once you've figured this out you will be free to enjoy your very own life as it unfolds, and to be so very grateful that you didn't grab the first "sandwich" on the buffet.
Self-confidence is very attractive.
18
I wasn't taught that, I am 60 years old. My mom wasn't taught that, she would be 90 years old this year, were she still alive.
I don't even think my grandma was taught that, she'd be 112 if she were still alive!
I read Cinderella, but I knew it was a frickin' FAIRY TALE. I also do not believe that pumpkins turn into coaches or mice into coachmen.
You are not a "non person" if you do not marry -- or divorce -- or are widowed -- but as a human being, you have EVERY RIGHT to want a partner, lover companion and not feel belittled or shamed for that desire.
Funny, when a MAN wants a wife....nobody thinks he read Cinderella and believes every prince will use a glass slipper to find the perfect woman and then live happily ever after! Men are ALLOWED to desire love, partnership and marriage -- women are shamed for wanting these things.
I don't even think my grandma was taught that, she'd be 112 if she were still alive!
I read Cinderella, but I knew it was a frickin' FAIRY TALE. I also do not believe that pumpkins turn into coaches or mice into coachmen.
You are not a "non person" if you do not marry -- or divorce -- or are widowed -- but as a human being, you have EVERY RIGHT to want a partner, lover companion and not feel belittled or shamed for that desire.
Funny, when a MAN wants a wife....nobody thinks he read Cinderella and believes every prince will use a glass slipper to find the perfect woman and then live happily ever after! Men are ALLOWED to desire love, partnership and marriage -- women are shamed for wanting these things.
3
It has been over 20 years since I left Brooklyn for the married "hipsurbia" (that is a term coined by the
NYT) of the Rivertowns and your piece brought me back to what it was like to be a professional woman living and dating in NYC in the 90's. In fact, that guy with the bike clips and eye drops may be the younger brother of a guy I actually did date in 1992! So ----you are smart, funny, self-aware; seem to have a great day job, have a nose that "suits" you, and you live in Brooklyn ...so, all in all ( and especially if you own rather than rent)--you have a great situation going. I agree with the comment above-- link your article to your online profiles. You are a winner. Wish I had a younger brother for you!
NYT) of the Rivertowns and your piece brought me back to what it was like to be a professional woman living and dating in NYC in the 90's. In fact, that guy with the bike clips and eye drops may be the younger brother of a guy I actually did date in 1992! So ----you are smart, funny, self-aware; seem to have a great day job, have a nose that "suits" you, and you live in Brooklyn ...so, all in all ( and especially if you own rather than rent)--you have a great situation going. I agree with the comment above-- link your article to your online profiles. You are a winner. Wish I had a younger brother for you!
14
nice piece
Sarah,
I would have fallen for the "loaf to be your bagel" , especially if you were a Montreal bagel. You are not going to be alone with your sense of humour much longer, it is too infectious.
I would have fallen for the "loaf to be your bagel" , especially if you were a Montreal bagel. You are not going to be alone with your sense of humour much longer, it is too infectious.
6
One thing I've learned about online dating is that everyone has absurd, heartless standards. Go to some music jams. You'll have to beat 'em off with a stick. Don't ask me why.
7
I am so glad this didn't end up with the author ending up with the guy who insulted her nose. (I agree w/ her friends she should have walked out!)
7
Dear Sarah,
Your writing is brilliantly witty, provoking a healthy number of belly laughs. Necessary therapy for me these days, trudging through the last few steps of a post-abuse separation.
You deserve every happiness, culinary or otherwise.
Your writing is brilliantly witty, provoking a healthy number of belly laughs. Necessary therapy for me these days, trudging through the last few steps of a post-abuse separation.
You deserve every happiness, culinary or otherwise.
4
Man if I were still dating I'd be doing Tinder exclusively. Most online dating is incredibly unnatural--all that clever slash casual back and forth before you even know if you click in actual person? (People say Tinder is shallow but how do you think you meet someone in class or at a party or at a show? You think they look cute and/or fun and/or interesting, so you say hi. Half the time that's about as far as it goes and you awkwardly excuse yourself--but at least the whole thing only takes thirty seconds (and no sandwich jokes).)
Btw if you don't end up marrying (I think most everyone finds someone eventually) don't be alone. Find a friend to life partner with, live near family, whatever. We need love and life companions, not spouses specifically.
Btw if you don't end up marrying (I think most everyone finds someone eventually) don't be alone. Find a friend to life partner with, live near family, whatever. We need love and life companions, not spouses specifically.
89
Sarah Moses you are very funny. The person you connect with someday will be so lucky, you will keep them laughing. Ignore the dodos and keep writing.
10
I think Miranda was rejected by a "sandwich" in an SaTC episode.
My advice is pay attention to the two or three men around you who want to be your boyfriend but you won't date because they are uncool, unhip, a 3 on a scale of 10 or whatever. Give them a chance. Every woman has a few or a handful of these types of men and they are not weird or creepy.
My advice is pay attention to the two or three men around you who want to be your boyfriend but you won't date because they are uncool, unhip, a 3 on a scale of 10 or whatever. Give them a chance. Every woman has a few or a handful of these types of men and they are not weird or creepy.
9
No we don't all have that.
13
Sarah,
What a great piece! Fun, honest, very well written. I was glad to see you're working on a book of essays. I would definitely read it. Keep your butt on the chair! It's worth your effort.
Isidra
What a great piece! Fun, honest, very well written. I was glad to see you're working on a book of essays. I would definitely read it. Keep your butt on the chair! It's worth your effort.
Isidra
4
Thank you for a great, funny story! But I woulda walked out when the guy started to analyze my nose.
6
"Everyone says you have to be happy with yourself before you can find happiness with someone else. I find that notion extremely frustrating. I am happy enough: I have a good job, great friends and live in New York City. " I totally get this. I was the same way. Good job, owned my own home, post-divorce had raised two outstanding young men, mostly alone, and where was my mate? How could I not be good enough for someone? Then, after I'd pulled out of the dating game, resigned myself to being happy on my own terms, didn't really give a flying whatever about what people thought about me, felt totally and completely comfortable with who I was and my life as it was, five years into this self-imposed dating exile, I met my second husband. A total surprise, and a lovely one. It is NEVER too late.
106
Oh Sarah: As an older and wiser woman I am distressed on your behalf. Remarks about your nose indeed. And the saga of boyo with the bike clips and the eye drops was hilarious but demonstrates what you are up against. I was handed a surprise divorce at age 55. After recovering somewhat I tried on- line dating for all of 5 weeks-soul destroying mostly but also sometimes funny. A common opening gambit; " Well , I've been impotent for years but I'm sure you don't care about that stuff anymore, right?" I think it is not a good way to find people. Rely on friends, chance meetings, airports were good before everyone had the obsession with their silly little device. The gym worked far better for me than the Internet. Think about slightly younger or slightly older, blue collar (blue collar guys are competent, capable, manly, often very witty, frequently better looking) ( and less caught up in anxieties-despite what Donald Trump might have us believe). Keep writing, stay cheerful and proud. If you were my daughter I'd be very pleased. Someone good will come. If he is carrying a toolbox don't write him off without a close look.
243
Yes airports used to be much more fun.
3
I loved your comment and think there is much value in what you suggest. At 43 I found my own slightly older, blue collar man and he is just as you describe. Am very happy!
4
Sigh. Everyone has too much choice. That's the problem with places like NYC, LA, SF, etc. And technology only makes it worse- creating even more choice. I was there too. People are commodified. They look at each other as a means to... someone better... A friend who married in her late 20s, and still is, to the same man, more than 20 yrs later, told me once, "He likes to save more. I like to save less. We work it out."
In the dating world, we work out such preferences across a field of partners, Seinfeldianly (?): "What happened to X?"
"Meh, she saves too much."
As long as there are lots of fish in the sea, we'll keep on tossing them back.
Sigh.
In the dating world, we work out such preferences across a field of partners, Seinfeldianly (?): "What happened to X?"
"Meh, she saves too much."
As long as there are lots of fish in the sea, we'll keep on tossing them back.
Sigh.
81
I relived the pain of my single days (well, years -- actually, decades) as I read your column. You are right to question the notion that you have to be happy by yourself before you can be happy in a relationship. I know this is horribly politically incorrect, but I think it's absolutely normal for a woman to feel incomplete until she finds the man who will one day be her husband. It didn't happen for me until I made a decision to follow a version of what today are known as The Rules. Two years later I was married, and today, 16 years later, I am still happily married. I share this in the hope that I can help you or someone else not have to wait until they are 46, as I did, to make their perfectly normal dream of happiness come true.
7
I suppose some of the ML pieces are just creative writing inspired by life events or anecdotes. In any case, it is curious how humans have been around and had language for 10,000 years at least, but we still do not have a meaningful way of taking care of some of the most fundamental of life needs.
In the last 2000 years, we have developed the ability to grow food beyond our needs, to put satellites in space and humans on the moon. But when it comes to companionship, love, relationships, sharing, we might as well be baboons in the jungle. Actually, the baboons (and other animals) keep it simple, just grab what you want, if you get it, hooray, if you don't try try try again. Now you might have to fight to get what you want, in which case, the stronger, smarter and luckier one will usually win. So try to be stronger, smarter and luckier when it really matters. You will never know beforehand when it really matters, often knowing only after the fact. So don't think, assume each time it matters and you cannot go wrong.
While we are "smarter" than animals, we are not as happy as most of them seem to be. I have always marveled at the contradiction of life - a middle-class kid trying to do well in college and worrying about tomorrow and the next 60 years, on a bus next to an uneducated guy my age who is oblivious to the challenges and disappointments life has to offer, and he is grinning from ear to ear because he was a few bucks in hand and is going to see a movie and that's it.
In the last 2000 years, we have developed the ability to grow food beyond our needs, to put satellites in space and humans on the moon. But when it comes to companionship, love, relationships, sharing, we might as well be baboons in the jungle. Actually, the baboons (and other animals) keep it simple, just grab what you want, if you get it, hooray, if you don't try try try again. Now you might have to fight to get what you want, in which case, the stronger, smarter and luckier one will usually win. So try to be stronger, smarter and luckier when it really matters. You will never know beforehand when it really matters, often knowing only after the fact. So don't think, assume each time it matters and you cannot go wrong.
While we are "smarter" than animals, we are not as happy as most of them seem to be. I have always marveled at the contradiction of life - a middle-class kid trying to do well in college and worrying about tomorrow and the next 60 years, on a bus next to an uneducated guy my age who is oblivious to the challenges and disappointments life has to offer, and he is grinning from ear to ear because he was a few bucks in hand and is going to see a movie and that's it.
2
Ann Landers once wrote that the one thing worse than being alone was not being alone, and wishing you were.
I concur.
I concur.
66
Very good read. You do have that Jewish/Persian/Greek look going (and probably from the broken nose). I found you on LinkedIn. I did a lot of the cycle dating myself (back before it was all online). It's a tough world, but boy it was fun. I always enjoyed the anticipation of a great date (and have many stories around the not-so-great dates). And like you, sometimes I'd get broken(hearted?) by someone I thought I was really into - but it really does take two to make it happen.
2
So you're not perfect...you're not sure if you're moving too fast or too slow and occasionally something a bit ridiculous escapes from your mouth. Welcome to the club!
One day I hope you meet a man who gets you - just gets you - and you'll never be alone again.
If you do, would you mind writing about how you did it? You can tell one hell of a great story, Lady!
One day I hope you meet a man who gets you - just gets you - and you'll never be alone again.
If you do, would you mind writing about how you did it? You can tell one hell of a great story, Lady!
5
Sarah,
Terrific column. I can't tell you how much of myself and my own dismal history of romance is in this article. Only I'm not 40, I'm 60 and gay which makes the situation even more palpably distressful. I don't know what I've done wrong all these years but I, too, am finally accepting that this is probably never going to happen for me.
Why is it that something that on the surface seems so simple to achieve is instead so damn hard?
Terrific column. I can't tell you how much of myself and my own dismal history of romance is in this article. Only I'm not 40, I'm 60 and gay which makes the situation even more palpably distressful. I don't know what I've done wrong all these years but I, too, am finally accepting that this is probably never going to happen for me.
Why is it that something that on the surface seems so simple to achieve is instead so damn hard?
9
My favorite blind date told me that he had OCD as soon as we sat down to dinner and had a need to wash his hands every 5 minutes. Gotta say - nice guy but it made for a very fractured dinner conversation.
7
Sarah,
You are very smart and funny. I don't know why it is that people who want to meet someone don't, and those not looking do. My wife and I both believed and were ok (more than ok) with being single with cats. But there we were in a book club together. I had to get her away from her live in boyfriend which took over a year. Oh, what we would have missed, though, in the 20 years we have been together. Of course that includes 2 years of couple counseling, and 20 years of spiritual work for myself. It is very difficult to be mature enough to be in a relationship, I sure wasn't. My narcissism and selfishness is mostly directed toward art, drawing and painting. When it was at the core of my relationship, much trouble.
Good luck. Finding someone is the beginning of an incredible journey, mostly of self-knowledge that can be very painful with a mandate to mature or die....
You are very smart and funny. I don't know why it is that people who want to meet someone don't, and those not looking do. My wife and I both believed and were ok (more than ok) with being single with cats. But there we were in a book club together. I had to get her away from her live in boyfriend which took over a year. Oh, what we would have missed, though, in the 20 years we have been together. Of course that includes 2 years of couple counseling, and 20 years of spiritual work for myself. It is very difficult to be mature enough to be in a relationship, I sure wasn't. My narcissism and selfishness is mostly directed toward art, drawing and painting. When it was at the core of my relationship, much trouble.
Good luck. Finding someone is the beginning of an incredible journey, mostly of self-knowledge that can be very painful with a mandate to mature or die....
12
Some men prefer to simply pay for what they want, and one approach would be to charge for whatever you're comfortable doing. That could be any and all aspects of a relationship, from simple conversation to something more involved. Stop trying to find "the one" and charge a fair hourly rate, and get paid for your time.
5
I still refer to myself frequently as grizzled old single woman. I am used to running my own show and handling my own decisions. Married at 56. Being single you are exposed to so many adventures and scenarios in life. Dated a rancher, dated a banker, geologist, outdoor columnist, attorney. Oh, the places you will go. Always something new. Enjoy!
9
My thoughts from this divorced, now happily engaged but not married person (been on zillions of dates) Maybe have the first date over dinner, appetizers or whatever, and then the next few doing something else (walking, riding, bicycling, museum wandering. If nothing else comes of it you have developed a shared experience with another person and an interesting way to pass the time. (looking back with the fond recollections that my accidental date with an apparent drug dealer is well in the past!)
4
Online dating is completely useless for men. I'm 50, six feet tall, and use a recent photo. Of course with such nice round numbers all of the ladies know that I'm rounding and that I'm actually 65 and five feet six. Well I'm not... I'm 50 and six feet tall. One woman in her late 60s even got really angry when we met. She accused me of looking exactly like my profile photo. Oh, the nerve of me to post an actual recent photo.
4
Like maybe one response for every 12 or 20 you attempt to communicate with? And suspecting the average woman get's contacted a dozen times more often than ones self? There may be more single women than men (supposedly) but it sure feels like it's a buyer's market, with men the sellers.
There's only so many times you can cast bread on the water and have fleeting feelings of hope snuffed out before you realize it's an exercise in frustration. Because even when you finally meet someone, it usually doesn't work out, because that's natural. One is not going to 'click' with most people, and when it takes so much effort just to occasionally actually meet one... Well, you nailed it to begin with: Online dating is completely useless for men.
There's only so many times you can cast bread on the water and have fleeting feelings of hope snuffed out before you realize it's an exercise in frustration. Because even when you finally meet someone, it usually doesn't work out, because that's natural. One is not going to 'click' with most people, and when it takes so much effort just to occasionally actually meet one... Well, you nailed it to begin with: Online dating is completely useless for men.
2
@LeoK: most women say this too. I think it is because it feels like a bartering system, where you always have the lesser thing to barter and feel unwanted.
BTW: in my experience, men's dissatisfaction with online dating (as well as old fashioned "blind dating") is they want a degree of physical control over the attractiveness of the women they meet that is simply not possible. They want to assure every woman is a supermodel, and when ordinary women fall short of this, the men get very angry.
BTW: in my experience, men's dissatisfaction with online dating (as well as old fashioned "blind dating") is they want a degree of physical control over the attractiveness of the women they meet that is simply not possible. They want to assure every woman is a supermodel, and when ordinary women fall short of this, the men get very angry.
2
Reading this was exactly what I needed. If it isn't a stressful "job interview" type exchange, then it's only pics and email/text buddies wanted. One must keep pressing on and have fun with it one way or another!
3
Men love women who are confident and know their worth and vice versa. That doesn't mean walking around with one's nose in the air (no pun intended). It just means having a laid-back, fun-loving, humorous personality that is omnipresent. It means recapturing that worry free mindset that you had in school at recess without the scraped knees. Instead of them being seen as potential partners the focus is on fully enjoying each other's company just in that moment. It means remembering that life is too short to focus on what ifs (I learned when I lost my mom when I was a teen). And that instead we need to stay in the now. One day you'll look up in the midst of your relaxed state and it'll just be right. Good luck!
7
If the author is so lonely that she wakes up in the middle of the night in cold sweats and panicked, why did she break up with that first guy to begin with? It took 8 years to figure out he was not the soulmate that she doesn't believe in? I think a lot of people, both young and old, get bored and think the grass must be greener on the other side. Those midlife crisis we imagine 50 year old men having before driving away from their wives in a convertible sports car now happy to urban dwelling professionals of all ages, both men and women. But being happy in a relationship is quite often a choice that can take some real effort. Even the greatest relationships in the world get stale and boring sometimes.
11
It's just another form of in line addiction - if they can't connect in person - they can't connect on line. It's amusing - but nothing more - and a waste of time - try the coffee shop instead. Remember it's just a business.
3
The coffee shop? In my neighborhood, that means tattooed 25 year olds. I'm 52. People blithely suggest meeting men at bars or in other real life places. That's easy to say but, really, there is no such thing. Once in a while, people meet in a real-life setting, but it's not common. I go to parties, where everyone is coupled, too young or too old. There are some cute guys at work my age who are married. Everyone on my block is married. Where am I supposed to meet someone? Online seems like the only place to go. Ugh!
12
It's my feeling that people have gotten much more creeped out by strangers talking to them since we all started doing everything on-line. Try the supermarket - not frozen foods - and if you notice a man looking your way... look back at him. It's hard. The odds of a man in public talking to you without you showing some interest is really low.
1
Oh, Sarah, let's be friends. I'm in the same boat, at 52 (ughghgh) after a long marriage and a few post-marital relationships. I have come to believe that most of the men online (at least in my age range) are outliers in some way. Women I know who have found lasting relationships are with odd ducks - two are with 50 year old men who were virgins when they met, another is with a guy who is obsessed with "Magic the Gathering," another with a really bizarre and inappropriate man. But they seem happy, so I guess beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. I do think, though, that the sad truth is that there are more single women than men and so the good guys get scooped up quickly, leaving many of us quality gals in this bind.
I've met 31 men in the past few years. Most have been fine, but there just wasn't that "click" that you need. The oddest guy I met was collecting his belly-button lint for an art project (I jest not.)
I am worn out by the online thing too but not sure what the alternative is. I am eager to share my life with someone again.
Anyway, should you or anyone here want to read my own tales of dating and post-divorce single life in general, feel free to check out my blog livinginsplitsville.com/wordpress
And good luck!
I've met 31 men in the past few years. Most have been fine, but there just wasn't that "click" that you need. The oddest guy I met was collecting his belly-button lint for an art project (I jest not.)
I am worn out by the online thing too but not sure what the alternative is. I am eager to share my life with someone again.
Anyway, should you or anyone here want to read my own tales of dating and post-divorce single life in general, feel free to check out my blog livinginsplitsville.com/wordpress
And good luck!
9
Collecting belly-button lint! That's a first! And I thought the guy who bolted because I made a very casual reference to child-ren (plural) was bad enough (he told me later). Apparently he thought kids were too expensive. He would maybe consider one. He was a doctor. HMMM. And he didn't walk me to my car after dinner. He called me much later for a 2nd date, & I laughed at him when he told me because it was so ridiculous and impertinent that he assumed too much after 1 date...That's ok- I married & ended up with 2 great kids, but it took me years to meet a decent, less selfish man, too.
Someone really smart told me, back when I was first divorced, that "it's a numbers game".
If you want to succeed, you have to toughen up A& accept that most of the connections you make online will be no-goes.
A lot of people want to "meet cute" and online dating isn't cute. It can feel desperate or needy. But it is an effective way of building your numbers. Try to think of it that way. Every potential date that didn't work out, gets you closer to your goal.
The very smart person -- in 1991, before the internet was a practical thing or had online dating -- and it was all done in newspaper ads! and by phone! -- that a normal woman over 30 should expect to have to go on 300 dates. That doesn't mean 300 boyfriends, or 300 lovers. It means maybe a coffee date or other meeting. And over time -- over maybe 3-5 years.
Of course if you are younger -- very beautiful -- very wealthy -- it won't take as long. If you are older -- heavier -- have a lot of baggage -- financial problems, etc. -- it may take longer. But a lot of serendipity is involved. I know people who were not remarkable nor beautiful nor young, who met the Right One on their first personal ad date. I know some wonderful people for whom it took 6 years.
But you must have the FORTITUDE and determination to go on all 300 dates, or it won't work. Trust me. I trusted that person, and I followed their advice, and while I had a lot of bad dates, I eventually met a wonderful man and we've been married for 22 years this year.
If you want to succeed, you have to toughen up A& accept that most of the connections you make online will be no-goes.
A lot of people want to "meet cute" and online dating isn't cute. It can feel desperate or needy. But it is an effective way of building your numbers. Try to think of it that way. Every potential date that didn't work out, gets you closer to your goal.
The very smart person -- in 1991, before the internet was a practical thing or had online dating -- and it was all done in newspaper ads! and by phone! -- that a normal woman over 30 should expect to have to go on 300 dates. That doesn't mean 300 boyfriends, or 300 lovers. It means maybe a coffee date or other meeting. And over time -- over maybe 3-5 years.
Of course if you are younger -- very beautiful -- very wealthy -- it won't take as long. If you are older -- heavier -- have a lot of baggage -- financial problems, etc. -- it may take longer. But a lot of serendipity is involved. I know people who were not remarkable nor beautiful nor young, who met the Right One on their first personal ad date. I know some wonderful people for whom it took 6 years.
But you must have the FORTITUDE and determination to go on all 300 dates, or it won't work. Trust me. I trusted that person, and I followed their advice, and while I had a lot of bad dates, I eventually met a wonderful man and we've been married for 22 years this year.
2
No, there isn't someone out there for everyone, and it can be hurtful when people say that to those of us who for whatever reason, internal or external or simply random chance, never find someone. There will always be plenty of people who live their lives without a partner, and it's ok. Dating can be fun its own, even if it never pans out. Enjoy a drink or a bite with a stranger. Be aware that if you never couple up, you still have a life, you have friends, interests, a roof over your head. I am approaching 59, never had any luck, had only one "relationship' which was of a couple of months duration with an alcoholic when I was in my 20's. Other than that, endless crushes on available guys, but never reciprocated. I am over-educated, love to debate, have too much muscle and too much fat, it's just a lethal combination. No man has ever chased me around. Some women have. I would have been fine, I think, if I had been attracted to women. But, it is what it is, I am way past having kids, I have an interesting life, good friends, and find the idea of of trying to re-make myself into something more desirable (don't bring up science, don't argue points, lose weight, color my hair, pretend to be something I'm not) abhorrent. You know what? It doesn't matter. We all have things we wish were one way or the other, but we all have things that are great. You'll be fine regardless what happens, relax and enjoy your dating, and keep writing!
42
You don't have to marry or even have a partner, but if you WANT ONE -- your choice -- the advantage of online dating is there is a very huge pool of men to choose from.
You need to accept first that A. you want to do this and B. you want a boyfriend/partner/lover/husband and C. you don't have to explain or excuse why you want this normal thing in your life.
Then you have to accept that if you are not a gorgeous, skinny, 24 year old....it will take a while. Maybe a long while. Maybe not. But you have to have the fortitude to stick it out. If you do, I can virtually guarantee you success.
The simple rule is you have to be willing to go on 300 dates. Not 300 affairs or lovers. DATES. With 300 men. The internet makes this easy. It does take time. I estimate if you go on 2 dates a week on average, the most it will take is 3 years.
Your age is no barrier. Your weight is no barrier. Not wanting kids is actually a plus -- many men your age are THROUGH with childrearing and don't want to have a new family. You do not have to curl your hair or diet or wear makeup; many men (the RIGHT MAN) will want you exactly as you are.
The choice is yours. It might not take all 300 dates -- it didn't take me that long -- but you MUST be willing to commit to 300 dates. If you do, as I said -- I can virtually guarantee you will succeed.
You need to accept first that A. you want to do this and B. you want a boyfriend/partner/lover/husband and C. you don't have to explain or excuse why you want this normal thing in your life.
Then you have to accept that if you are not a gorgeous, skinny, 24 year old....it will take a while. Maybe a long while. Maybe not. But you have to have the fortitude to stick it out. If you do, I can virtually guarantee you success.
The simple rule is you have to be willing to go on 300 dates. Not 300 affairs or lovers. DATES. With 300 men. The internet makes this easy. It does take time. I estimate if you go on 2 dates a week on average, the most it will take is 3 years.
Your age is no barrier. Your weight is no barrier. Not wanting kids is actually a plus -- many men your age are THROUGH with childrearing and don't want to have a new family. You do not have to curl your hair or diet or wear makeup; many men (the RIGHT MAN) will want you exactly as you are.
The choice is yours. It might not take all 300 dates -- it didn't take me that long -- but you MUST be willing to commit to 300 dates. If you do, as I said -- I can virtually guarantee you will succeed.
3
not sure what ur like in person but ur words are honest, self-depreciating, and full of life. u dont take urself too seriously and u dont seem overly sensitive which are excellent qualities in anyone. not sure if ur into sports, but 90% of us guys love sports. best of luck to u!!
3
Loved your article...it made laugh and cry. I think many of us have been in that position at one point or another. Mindfulness has helped me to be more aware of patterns that I fall into. Thus, changing unwelcomed habits.
8
The cute couple on the Q train? You saw them on a good day at a particular point in their relationship, and off hand I'd bet they were in their first year (or less) together. You think they're always like this, or will be? No way.
It's so easy for any of us to make ourselves crazy by comparing ourselves to anyone else, and especially comparing ourselves to a brief snapshot of people we don't even know. But it's important that we NOT do that, or at least not allow such pointless thoughts to run around in our brains for too long.
I know it's not always easily done, but try to care less about it all. Being in a relationship isn't always wonderful. At best it's wonderful some of the time, and overall I've come to the conclusion that it's highly over rated.
It's so easy for any of us to make ourselves crazy by comparing ourselves to anyone else, and especially comparing ourselves to a brief snapshot of people we don't even know. But it's important that we NOT do that, or at least not allow such pointless thoughts to run around in our brains for too long.
I know it's not always easily done, but try to care less about it all. Being in a relationship isn't always wonderful. At best it's wonderful some of the time, and overall I've come to the conclusion that it's highly over rated.
21
As one who's been married and lived with someone I second LeoK's comment.
Sometimes I miss having a partner but am mostly happy alone.
Sometimes I miss having a partner but am mostly happy alone.
Such a smart, funny and horribly, horribly true piece.
From mid-adolescence, I was always de facto or legally married. Then, a few years ago, unmarried. I figured that soon enuf I'd at least find a nice guy to do things with, including sex. As a reasonably attractive woman with an interesting career who is good at friendship and geared for the give/take, ups/downs and great rewards of true intimacy, I felt I measured up OK.
Got plenty of play but a few years online taught me nope, nothin' here. Some men pretended to be responding to my well-crafted, amusing and just revelatory enuf profile, but really? Pictures. I'm slender. I swear, that accounts for 100% of my online magnetism.
I am convinced that after about 50, the newly divorced or widowed men I might like, kind, bright, humorous, age-appropriate and not nuts, are not looking for women like me. Why? A) their friend circle fixes them up thatfast, so they're never on the market in the first place, and/or B) they want someone significantly younger.
I hasten to add that while I have my preferences, lots of people appeal to me, enuf so that I meet men I like pretty often. Just not available men. Thankfully, I have the love of friends and am happy going out or traveling alone. A lucky life, and now a happier one for having left the depressing on-line stuff behind.
From mid-adolescence, I was always de facto or legally married. Then, a few years ago, unmarried. I figured that soon enuf I'd at least find a nice guy to do things with, including sex. As a reasonably attractive woman with an interesting career who is good at friendship and geared for the give/take, ups/downs and great rewards of true intimacy, I felt I measured up OK.
Got plenty of play but a few years online taught me nope, nothin' here. Some men pretended to be responding to my well-crafted, amusing and just revelatory enuf profile, but really? Pictures. I'm slender. I swear, that accounts for 100% of my online magnetism.
I am convinced that after about 50, the newly divorced or widowed men I might like, kind, bright, humorous, age-appropriate and not nuts, are not looking for women like me. Why? A) their friend circle fixes them up thatfast, so they're never on the market in the first place, and/or B) they want someone significantly younger.
I hasten to add that while I have my preferences, lots of people appeal to me, enuf so that I meet men I like pretty often. Just not available men. Thankfully, I have the love of friends and am happy going out or traveling alone. A lucky life, and now a happier one for having left the depressing on-line stuff behind.
30
I agree with your note....why cant we women get fixed up the same way? My ex had a girlfriend within 8 months (he waited a while to date)...and after that a 1.5 year relationship. Both fix ups...none of my many girlfriends have had ONE guy to fix me up,with. I am normal, slender, attractive, etc. the online thing just isnt happening...so i am working on moving forward with concept that it probably wont happen for me again....
6
@Mary: your problem is you live in New York City. The demographics are against you. It's still possible, but it will take much longer and you are competing against a LOT of other women just like yourself (plus millions who are younger).
Fortunately there is a really good, easy solution: MOVE.
@Kafen ebell: your problem is you live in Los Angeles. The demographics are against you. It's still possible, but it will take much longer and you are competing against a LOT of other women just like yourself (plus millions who are younger).
Fortunately there is a really good, easy solution: MOVE.
Fortunately there is a really good, easy solution: MOVE.
@Kafen ebell: your problem is you live in Los Angeles. The demographics are against you. It's still possible, but it will take much longer and you are competing against a LOT of other women just like yourself (plus millions who are younger).
Fortunately there is a really good, easy solution: MOVE.
2
Dating is hard. I tried responding to Craigslist, sent an honest to goodness pix of myself (squinting, early morning curly hair) with the caption you'll really like me when I'm cleaned up. No response. Another I dated a few times but he had some man problems then blamed me for his inability to execute. I dropped him. he's continued sending a drunken message and countless texts which i just ignore.
I tried placing a Craiglists ad and was honest (I thought) about myself. Mid 60s, full figured not sloppy and it's ok if you're not Denzel because I'm not Rhianna. I got tons of responses, most said thanks for being honest.
I just started dating someone who seems to be nice so far.
Of course I also did get the "hey baby I'm a businessman here in town for one night at X hotel if that's your thing"; that one I ignored. One just wanted to be friends and have someone to correspond with. But most responses were decent which indicates guys have almost as hard a time with their insecurities as we do
I tried placing a Craiglists ad and was honest (I thought) about myself. Mid 60s, full figured not sloppy and it's ok if you're not Denzel because I'm not Rhianna. I got tons of responses, most said thanks for being honest.
I just started dating someone who seems to be nice so far.
Of course I also did get the "hey baby I'm a businessman here in town for one night at X hotel if that's your thing"; that one I ignored. One just wanted to be friends and have someone to correspond with. But most responses were decent which indicates guys have almost as hard a time with their insecurities as we do
17
Great if you met someone nice that way, but many strongly recommend against dating via Craigslist and I agree. I dabbled with it several years back, and there were a lot of, uh, professionals running ads for men; likewise in responses the single time I posted anything. Not sure of the female experience, but if you ONLY got ONE "hey baby" that seems exceptional. Be wary!
11
This piece serves to reassure me that men can be every bit as cryptic and withholding in the company of women as women can be in the company of men.
As to the why of this, cowardice comes to mind. And as to the why of cowardice, too few of us know exactly who we are and exactly what we want. But perhaps if we did, romance, fuelled by imagination and deadened by knowledge, might just up and vanish.
As to the why of this, cowardice comes to mind. And as to the why of cowardice, too few of us know exactly who we are and exactly what we want. But perhaps if we did, romance, fuelled by imagination and deadened by knowledge, might just up and vanish.
4
What an insightful Canadian!
Cheers!
Cheers!
I love the nose comment. My mother's nose is perfectly normal looking. She met a marine at a dance who would rather read his book than dance, and who told her that her nose was "interesting." It gave her a complex about her nose. Well, that marine wound up being her husband and my father, and my parents were married almost fifty years, cut short only by his death. So take heart -- awkward first meetings can lead to promising results.
29
I have to agree with her thoughts about "being happy with oneself before you can be happy as a partner". While in theory this is true, a lot of us single women, who feel like we already achieved more for ourselves than our married counterparts can only hold for so long. I don't really see it as a prerequisite to being worthy of someone when you know that other people out there who are in a relationship look like they never even made an effort to be the best they are first prior to coupledom.
The thing is, the more i "develop" myself as a single person, the more i subconsciously realize that I deserve someone better. For a woman who has achieved so much for herself, talking to a sandwich would be more depressing.
The thing is, the more i "develop" myself as a single person, the more i subconsciously realize that I deserve someone better. For a woman who has achieved so much for herself, talking to a sandwich would be more depressing.
20
Try to enjoy work and especially, be social and hang out with your friends. First, enjoyment of those things does make you feel better (and so increases your attractiveness). And second, those things are the context out of which a relationship develops. That's how it traditionally works anyway.
Online dating is the new thing. It's at least a good place to practice your flirting skills. Check out Second Life, the Linden Labs computer 'game' if you want heavy flirting practice.
Never give up on the old way of doing things though. You can get too obsessive in the online world.
Online dating is the new thing. It's at least a good place to practice your flirting skills. Check out Second Life, the Linden Labs computer 'game' if you want heavy flirting practice.
Never give up on the old way of doing things though. You can get too obsessive in the online world.
4
Sarah,
You made me chuckle, and reminded me of my single days (of which there were many, many, many, many, many). The dates! The comments of clueless men! Please keep your sense of humor, and keep on writing....!
(P.s., it all works out in the end.)
You made me chuckle, and reminded me of my single days (of which there were many, many, many, many, many). The dates! The comments of clueless men! Please keep your sense of humor, and keep on writing....!
(P.s., it all works out in the end.)
125
Assuming a relationship will make you fulfilled without creating new longings is a failure of imagination.
It is true that the loneliness of being single can be palpable, and our culture is certainly obsessed enough with it. If you are "happy enough" single, that is what you'll be in a couple, as well. Someone gave me the advice a few years ago that you always trade one thing for another. Always. In a relationship, you have a loss of independence. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 27. When I was single I had never felt trapped or limited in any way; I was too narrowly focused on my own loneliness.
Now I wake up in the middle of the night wondering not if I'll be alone, like you wonder, but if I will always have to live in the city where my S.O.'s business is (likely), or if would be further in my own career if I could move, travel, and meet new people (no way to know). The loss of autonomy is real, but it is worth it. Just like the loneliness in being single is real, but it is also worth it. Both are valid paths to an amazing life. That's why people give the advice to be happy with yourself: not because it is attractive to others (though it is) but ultimately because it more permanent and reliable.
It is true that the loneliness of being single can be palpable, and our culture is certainly obsessed enough with it. If you are "happy enough" single, that is what you'll be in a couple, as well. Someone gave me the advice a few years ago that you always trade one thing for another. Always. In a relationship, you have a loss of independence. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 27. When I was single I had never felt trapped or limited in any way; I was too narrowly focused on my own loneliness.
Now I wake up in the middle of the night wondering not if I'll be alone, like you wonder, but if I will always have to live in the city where my S.O.'s business is (likely), or if would be further in my own career if I could move, travel, and meet new people (no way to know). The loss of autonomy is real, but it is worth it. Just like the loneliness in being single is real, but it is also worth it. Both are valid paths to an amazing life. That's why people give the advice to be happy with yourself: not because it is attractive to others (though it is) but ultimately because it more permanent and reliable.
287
Elle, I totally agree with you. When happiness is achieved from the inside--not from external circumstances (job, partner, home, pet) we don't need achievement to be happy. And being happy helps us achieve those goals. I've traded single for married, and in the process lost possibility. Is it strange to miss longing?
5
No,not at all. Searching and novelty are fundamental to the human condition.
Read The Missing Piece by Shell Silverstein. You'll be edified.
Read The Missing Piece by Shell Silverstein. You'll be edified.
1
"That's why people give the advice to be happy with yourself: not because it is attractive to others (though it is) but ultimately because it more permanent and reliable."
I'm going to make this my screensaver.
I'm going to make this my screensaver.
1
I felt I had to say something about the out of the country bit. Some guys do work for organizations that require them to work overseas for months at a time. These jobs can be military, merchant marine, contract services, and seasonal work. It is their livelihood and requires them to be out of to be out of the country. Like anyone else they too want to date and find someone they are compatible with. Its not easy but to just dismiss someone because they are trying to earn a living is unjust. You might be right some guys do go out of the country and forget but not all us do.
36
CM, you have missed the writer's point entirely, which referred to unconvincing excuses given for failing to maintain contact, not to relationships that must endure intermittent separations.
7
Here's a thought: If you are going out of the country and wish to pursue a relationship, let the other person know! Stay in touch! Act like you care!
2
Then stay in touch... that's pretty simple!
3
I feel your pain Sarah. I go back and forth almost daily on whether to pull the plug on this nonsense we call online dating. All the while convincing myself that he's out there, he's just not quite primed for me.
48
Or searching for his "one" online.
1
The very sad part of this article is that the author doesn't have a clue what her problem is.
62
Why don't you tell us what her problem is? I'm not the author, but I didn't see any glaring red flags.
355
Sarah is a witty, accomplished woman and I loved her essay. I think her problem is that she has left it too late. I met my wife 41 years ago; we married with almost nothing, since then we have built our careers, lived in multiple countries, raised 3 kids and did it together. Sarah has lived her life and built her successful career and now looks for someone to share it. I imagine she has a full and complex life, into which a man must try to fit.
15
You're awesome Olivia!
5
You might volunteer for at a VA hospital or smother joint where there are vulnerable people who would value your attention.
My ex, aged 42, with 3 adolescents in tow, married a well-to-do gent. He is an undertaker. This is their 30th anniversary year. Could it be that mothers (of beautiful children) have a panache that, old maids cannot match?
In any case, you may be relegated to bottom fishing. Good ppl are there, everywhere.
IMO, on-line meet markets are the pits, don't do it.
My ex, aged 42, with 3 adolescents in tow, married a well-to-do gent. He is an undertaker. This is their 30th anniversary year. Could it be that mothers (of beautiful children) have a panache that, old maids cannot match?
In any case, you may be relegated to bottom fishing. Good ppl are there, everywhere.
IMO, on-line meet markets are the pits, don't do it.
21
"Old maid?" Gosh, that's attractive, Winthrop. The guys Sarah dated seem to be showing up in these comments.
17
I'm a mother but these days many women are not. Your comment is insulting, truly.
18
"old maids"? This is 2016, after all. What would you call single men, then?
17
What you need to do dear is demand more from these so-called men! Where did any of them learn their manners? Did they have mothers? Sisters? My mother would have smashed my brother's head against the wall if he ever treated his sisters the way these fools treat you! Look, being single man not be the best thing in the world - for some - but there is a life out there. Travel, study a foreign language, meet interesting people. Better to spend your time and money cultivating yourself than hanging out with these ill-mannered morons.
206
Betti,
Well said!
Gratefully,
Helen
Well said!
Gratefully,
Helen
2
Betti - New York is a beast unto itself - I did all of the above - classes at MOMA, holidays abroad, interesting courses, the works. For every class I took, I would say the ratio was 3:1 women to men. Parties in New York are full of gorgeous, stylish, accomplished women all dying to meet some nice guy. My sister used to give me the same advice and I stuck to it a lot of the time. It is not easy in NYC.
13
someones a bit sour...
Simply put, the key to happiness in any relationship is the ability for both partners to allow their true "self" to be on display all of the time. None of us are good enough to fake it all of the time; eventually, all the warts and the personal peccadilloes have to come out, need to come out, should come out. If you try to hide them, then the honesty and trust quotient of the relationship is really fake which, of course, completely makes a lie of any foundation that you are trying to build a strong relationship on.
So in the end, my advice to anybody out there trying to find "the one" is start out with honesty and truth and move forward from there.
So in the end, my advice to anybody out there trying to find "the one" is start out with honesty and truth and move forward from there.
77
Starting out with honesty is a good idea, but statistically, on on-line dating sites people lie about their age, their weight and their height.
37
If people put out false information about themselves as you mention, facts that are easily seen on the first date, why would a normal person want to even finish that first date? Who wants to continue with a relationship or even a friend who is a liar? I'd walk in that first minute if the person turned out to have falsely represented themselves, I'd feel a fool for being duped, lied to.
4
And some of us don't lie. Plus, once you meet the person, you see their true age, their height and weight. And, more importantly, you meet the true person who is 'inside'.
Is the author intentionally "borrowing" lines or plots from Sex and the City? Without even trying I count at least 3.
38
Shakespeare has been ripped off too. It's just that dating in nyc online is that bad.
4
Just goes to show how universal her situation is -please give her a break - she's not old enough to know who Carrie Bradshaw was. Not everyone can be as forthcoming in revealing their experiences - we should give her credit for doing so and wish her well.
2
Funny how we tend to believe a television show but doubt a person's real life drama. Like they say, truth is stranger than fiction!
8
All of us married people would rather have a sandwich.
206
I feel your pain. But we all need the eggs so we soldier on
57
An 'Annie Hall' reference...
I love it!
Are you single?
I love it!
Are you single?
37
Now that was the most enjoyable ML I've read in a long time. Brava! And lots of luck to you, writer. Have fun and hang in -- the good one is out there somewhere, and he's probably not posing as a sandwich.
231
Funny and true!
26
Sarah Moses you are one talented and funny writer. Someone worthy of you will show up. I felt everything you described, was happy and successful but wondered as well if I would alway be alone. I eventually got married to my perfect man in my 40s. Ok not PERFECT, but you know what I mean—attractive, kind, smart, funny, etc.He showed up after I after I stopped being ambivalent about who I was looking for and made a specific list of what was really important to me in a partner. One day I decided to look at an online dating site one more time before pulling the plug and there he was—the very first picture. We have been married for ten years and I am happy. But sometimes I miss those single days. They were great too.
166
Sarah, you are talented and funny. Next time you do one of those profiles for a dating website, put in a link to to this article! Some guy will see it and think, "OMG, I love this girl!"
257
I agree with Jane. Keep going.
Oh my G-d, I love this girl!
I've read several comments about finding things you enjoy and living your life to the fullest---
I get that. Like the author, I have a career, friends, and money of my own. I've went and found some new hobbies but my goodness, how much more can I learn about myself? Humans weren't meant to live alone. We can study mammals in nature to affirm that.
I don't have any answers here, just my truth. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. And waking up swallowing that everyday while trying to be a contributing member of society is something I grapple with everyday.
My best to everyone on this path.