This is an interesting concept, but, before moving into a CCRC or other assisted-living/age-restricted apartment-type facility, be sure to look into what, exactly, you will get in exchange for paying the monthly fee that, even considering housekeeping and meals, can be an exorbitant amount of money per square foot. Is the menu varied, healthy, and tasty? Can special diets be accommodated? Are traditional holiday meals served? Can nonresidents occasionally join a resident for meals? Can you purchase your own cable/satellite tv package, or will your viewing be restricted to that purchased by the community? Is the Internet service wireless and adequate for your needs? What sort of training and background checks have the staff had? Are the staff adequately compensated, and do they receive a decent benefits package; in other words, is a reasonable amount of the money you pay going to the people who are actually performing the work? For younger persons, a trial stay, as offered by some communities, would be advisable prior to a permanent move.
14
re my earlier post - I hope it was obvious that i meant to say "... without the support of my family ... ".
I am 67 and my mother is 89. I left home when I was 21 and have lived independently, with support from family or my parents since I left home. If Mr. Geiwitz really believes that his living arrangement is the wave of the future, I am happy that he is living in a facility where he can receive the care he will so obviously need in the near future. Live in the same building with my mother? NEVER!!!
7
As a nurse, I've had the joy of hearing the bleats of consternation from countless Baby Boomers about the "poor care" they feel an elderly family member has received at a hospital/assisted living/skilled nursing facility. This generation is very entitled and thinks all caregivers are incompetent. They think they can do it better. Because, gosh, it sure seems simple to just toilet Grandma. And Dad keeps falling down, which has to be someone else's fault! And gee, why can't facility staff check on Mom every hour to make sure she doesn't need anything? Yes, every hour. All night. (Never mind there are other patients with needs.)
Sometimes families get so indignant that they take these old and infirm folks home. And my oh my... it ain't so simple is it? I INVITE these Boomers to stay at the bedside or even just in an apartment next door and really experience what it is like to care for another human being. Have some respect and courtesy for the people doing this job.
Sometimes families get so indignant that they take these old and infirm folks home. And my oh my... it ain't so simple is it? I INVITE these Boomers to stay at the bedside or even just in an apartment next door and really experience what it is like to care for another human being. Have some respect and courtesy for the people doing this job.
14
Amen! I have worked in skilled nursing facilities, as well as in Private Care, but it's NOT just the families of these elderly folk who have disdain for us...we're treated poorly by the "Administrators" of nursing homes, assisted living facilities & even agencies who send out licensed Caregivers to work in Private Care (care in the privacy of the Client's residence). We are NOT paid fairly for the incredible amount work we do especially in facilities. I don't know WHY but in both LTC & Private Care, not a single family member has EVER taken me aside & asked me "exactly how much do they pay u per hour here?"....nobody cares, as long as they don't have to do the work, they don't care about us....but complaining abounds & is always free....
7
I am reading this article while drinking the coffee that will keep me awake when I leave my house this morning to drive 90 minutes to the city where my 86 year old mother lives. She is currently in the hospital there with a severe COPD attack she had over Christmas. This is the second attack in the past month. The first one was over Thanksgiving. She was hospitalized then, too. In between, we made the decision that mom needed to move out of her house asap. We were very fortunate to find her a place in a continuing care facility run by the Archdiocese in her town, which is where she always said she wanted to go when she could no longer live in her house. Mom made the decision to move after the first hospitalization; the second one has just confirmed that this is the right way to go.
I have been commuting 90 minutes each way 3 to 4 days a week to see mom for a month now. After she moves, I expect to continue to do this drive 2 days a week. Her assisted living apartment is two blocks away from her church, and in the same part of town where her friends live. I have two cousins who live nearby, and they usually visit her once a week. Mom is gregarious and mentally sharp; she makes friends easily, and will love spending Sunday afternoons in the "big screen tv room" watching football with the other residents in her new building. If mom moved in with me, or vice versa, we would end up a murder suicide story on the front page. Assisted living and a commute for me is a better choice.
I have been commuting 90 minutes each way 3 to 4 days a week to see mom for a month now. After she moves, I expect to continue to do this drive 2 days a week. Her assisted living apartment is two blocks away from her church, and in the same part of town where her friends live. I have two cousins who live nearby, and they usually visit her once a week. Mom is gregarious and mentally sharp; she makes friends easily, and will love spending Sunday afternoons in the "big screen tv room" watching football with the other residents in her new building. If mom moved in with me, or vice versa, we would end up a murder suicide story on the front page. Assisted living and a commute for me is a better choice.
5
Most folks don't realize how difficult it can be to care for an aging parent, single handedly. In general they seldom respect the child or appreciate that they are giving up their lives to care for them. My mother was able to stay at home (with three rotating caregivers) the last eight months of her life, she was 97 when she died. We were very fortunate. No way on God's green earth would I ever have considered moving in or having her live with my family (Ann, I would have made the front page too).
There are many children that can't live with themselves for putting a parent in an assisted living facility or nursing home but there is a limit, physically and mentally, that will be reached. Guilt is a parent's specialty, trust me, I've heard it all.
There are many children that can't live with themselves for putting a parent in an assisted living facility or nursing home but there is a limit, physically and mentally, that will be reached. Guilt is a parent's specialty, trust me, I've heard it all.
7
Towards the end it's almost always what the children decide as the children become the parent & the parent becomes the child....
2
It's a better choice for u cause she didn't go in there kicking & screaming & threatening all sorts of things, like taking u off the Will...& as it appears that there r no other siblings to contest that decision, & your Mom is in agreement & she still has her wits about her, no one will dispute it & go against your wishes which also happen to be the wishes of your Mother & your lifestyle will not suffer because of it. Happy endings like this are rare.
1
Why does this make me sad?
4
The end of life is always sad...& makes us think of our own demise...
6
What's really fascinating is that this article posted yesterday, and only 119 people have posted comments. This is a very unpopular topic. No one wants to think about it because there are no really good solutions in this country. This article shouldn't be buried in the health section. It belongs on the front page.
It's much more fun to distract ourselves with more entertaining topics and dreams of still attaining our life's dreams. But the reality is, we better have a real plan because no one is going to solve this for us. Especially when Congress doesn't even want to help Americans with a national health care plan.
It's much more fun to distract ourselves with more entertaining topics and dreams of still attaining our life's dreams. But the reality is, we better have a real plan because no one is going to solve this for us. Especially when Congress doesn't even want to help Americans with a national health care plan.
37
Well said! Who wants to look at the UGLY of life? Nobody wants to confront this issue till they have to, the time will come for everyone. In my experience, folks do better being kept at home (if possible) w/a licensed Caregiver & getting the attention they need from family in the form of love, conversation & many hugs & kisses...
5
???He moved into Glen Meadows himself, paying a higher entrance fee, $88,000, all of which can be refunded when he moves out or dies.
Hmmm, so you CAN take it with you?
Hmmm, so you CAN take it with you?
5
The heirs get it. Get it?
1
So interesting and well explained! Quite a logical twist on the usual life care community. I would expect to see more of these "doubles" as boomers age. It isn't easy to care for aging parents, compounded by the caregiver's own aging process.
12
Happy to live until I can't - that means time to go. It should be my choice and no one else's.
10
How many people have $60 - 100,000+ to pay as an "entrance" fee? Not me...
17
Some of these letters are so sad. But the saddest to me are the ones about being the "unfavored" child who somehow gets stuck as caregiver, while the "favored" ones do nothing but get all the love. I've never understood this. Why do parents even have "favorites"? But to somehow treat the caregiver as "lesser" just breaks my heart. I would be out of there in seconds, not minutes. Sorry, but it's true. They do not deserve you.
19
I am one of those "unfavored" children. While I'm more than happy to care for my mother, the emotional wear and tear of never doing anything right or never doing enough is close to maddening. It's beginning to affect my mental and physical health. The resentment of growing old, and of knowing that you're living on "borrowed time" (my mother's words, not mine) is a constant drain on the caregiver.
This is an enormous issue. Almost no one is adequately funded for this stage of their life. One way to look at it is there's a lot of potential for innovation - services, products, real estate development - to solve some of these issues. But few people are paying enough attention to this stage of life to be prepared for what it has in store for us.
This is an enormous issue. Almost no one is adequately funded for this stage of their life. One way to look at it is there's a lot of potential for innovation - services, products, real estate development - to solve some of these issues. But few people are paying enough attention to this stage of life to be prepared for what it has in store for us.
18
The real estate options for today's older citizens (and young starting out) is outdated. I've seen some real innovation in community planning called a "Pocket Neighborhood". It opens new possibilities. In this case empty nesters fitting in with younger couples or singles that don't want or need a big house. It doesn't have the restrictions (buy-ins, etc) of most senior developments or apartments. Honestly it reminds me of the old mill villages of the South that I grew up in, very small homes (1,000 sq ft or less), close neighbors that pitched in when one needed help. With an aging population, I think it's a great idea whose time may have come.
5
Not unusual. Prior to my dad's death seven years ago next week, I had moved back to the house to take care of him (as well as my mom). We were looking to move to a retirement community, and either I would live in the same dwelling unit with him or close by.
We never got to make that decision, however. Illness overtook him and time ran out.
We never got to make that decision, however. Illness overtook him and time ran out.
6
So many opinions, so few personal experiences. Here's ours: MIL had moderate dementia. Being with us was a stopgap. Her friends died off or moved away (and so will yours, btw). Isolation made her dementia worse. We investigated 9 facilities within 15 min of us. ALL had different social atmospheres, even tho costs/services were similar. We picked one and moved her in. At first reluctant, within a month she was telling her friends that she loved it there! The regular schedule comforted her, the meals were great, the residents & staff (as we had carefully checked out) were welcoming. Her time there was the happiest she had in years. Even a yr later when we stop by, staff remembers us and MIL's name.
It is not the facility we would pick for us (in our mid-60's). We preferred another, where the residents are more active, younger seniors. Lumping all facilities together is like saying "I'd never live in a condo" or "I'm never buying a Japanese car". Saying "shoot me" or "I'm living in this house forever" is just as short-sighted, and means when something does happen to you, you AND your family will be woefully unprepared to make some hard decisions.
It is not the facility we would pick for us (in our mid-60's). We preferred another, where the residents are more active, younger seniors. Lumping all facilities together is like saying "I'd never live in a condo" or "I'm never buying a Japanese car". Saying "shoot me" or "I'm living in this house forever" is just as short-sighted, and means when something does happen to you, you AND your family will be woefully unprepared to make some hard decisions.
36
People with advanced dementia change their toon every five minutes, the ones who get more "attention" in a facility are the ones whose families visit on a constant basis...people who put their loved ones in facilities sometimes don't have another alternative & dementia is not just draining on the aging family members but on the poorly paid staff at these facilities. U have no clue what really goes on in those places behind closed doors, but if her dementia was such that she couldn't get Privste Care at home then I'm sure u felt u did the best u could. Just ask yourself "do I want someone to put me in a place like that when my time comes"?...I've worked in facilities & I rather be put to death in a non painful way than to live there till I die naturally.
3
Soylent Green sounds more and more appealing to me. Give me Edward G. Robinson's movie death any day if it saves my lifetime of savings for my kids. I don't want to live in a warehouse waiting for some illness or accident to send me off. When I can't read or enjoy a meal or pay enough attention to maintain a real conversation or understand a TV show...I am done.
32
"Remember, Tuesday is Soylent Green Day...."
How do you expect to bring that about? A do-it-yourself plan means that you have to end your own life while you still have the wits and the ability to take that action. And what action will it be?
I'm trying to figure this out myself.
I'm trying to figure this out myself.
17
I would like to be one of those lucky people who just fall over dead right before they cease to be self-sufficient and useful, as would most, I'd guess. We don't get to choose, though.
5
We did this when my after my mother-in-law broke her hip. After a period of rehabilitation which failed to improve her mobility, we were faced with the choice of continuing her stay in an exorbitantly costly skilled nursing facility ( over $400.00 a day ) or bringing her home with us. However, our home was even smaller than her condo, so we closed up our house and moved in with her.
It was definitely the best decision. She was in a familiar environment which mitigated her periods of disorientation. All of her belongings were already there and it was easy to set up her bedroom to accommodate the supplies and equipment that we needed.
By no means was it easy or inexpensive, but it was better than the alternative and better in end I think, for my beloved mother-in-law.
It was definitely the best decision. She was in a familiar environment which mitigated her periods of disorientation. All of her belongings were already there and it was easy to set up her bedroom to accommodate the supplies and equipment that we needed.
By no means was it easy or inexpensive, but it was better than the alternative and better in end I think, for my beloved mother-in-law.
12
Here's another twist to this topic - my husband asked me to agree to move into his mother's home. She was 96 years of age, but physically slowing down (mind still sharp as a tack). My husband was traveling 3-4 times a week, 25 miles each way to check on his mother. It was wearing him down. I agreed to move in. We packed our belongings, put furniture in storage, and rented our townhome. The arrangements worked well and my commute time to the office remained the same. Thank God we were there at 1:30am when she suffered a heart attack. She died shortly thereafter. I don't regret the move and recommend it as an option for other families.
20
In the years before we were married my boyfriend moved in with his 90 something year old grandma. The idea was he could pay off his debt, save up money for a house, and keep on eye on her. He helped her with the garden, home repairs and the troublesome furnace. She once burned off her eyebrows trying to get the furnace lite with a match. He paid her back money she had given him years prior for culinary school. She loved the attention, the companionship and being around a young couple in love. We loved to surprise her with dinner dates, groceries and her favorite sweets. We enjoyed her funny stories and playing cards with her at the dinner table. We gently teased her when she dozed off at 6pm in her easy chair. She helped smooth our path to home ownership and marriage. She was our witness at our city hall wedding, she was so nervous she forgot her home address. She was our ally when disputes arose with my mother in law. The entire family knows that the experience benefited her most of all because it kept her physically and mentally active and out of the nursing home for almost three years. About two weeks after our wedding she started to decline. First she got sick and ended up in the ER, then frequent falls, and finally a lengthy stay in a home for dementia patients. My husband was the only one to visit her bedside on the day she died at 105.
18
There is no "one size fits all" way to age comfortably. It is difficult to separate our experiences in watching or actively caring for aging relatives/friends from what we think will work for us as we plan for being 80, 90 or 100 years old. The solutions discussed in this article clearly work for those profiled and for many in similar situations. Many who comment seem to have other plans including living at "home" until death-- only buying help with lawn care.
While my parents lived in a "life plan" community as a result of my father's dementia and my mother's fragile health, I was part of the Family Council which met monthly with management to discuss community issues. Nearly all of the adult children were in the 55 to 65 age range and nearly all of them said during informal discussions "I will take a 'pill' or just shoot me" would be their choice when they needed the care their parents were receiving. Many of those who commented on this article seemed to have that plan as well.
Few states-- and no national policy-- allow for that option in any formal way. While those of us who watched our parents being "toileted", showered and fed by hired care attendants may think we will be able to avoid that future, unless social policy changes rapidly, we won't. Some of the lucky few among us will be active and cheerful our entire lives. Others will spend years in the fog of dementia or unable to care for our basic needs. None will have total control of which future is ours.
While my parents lived in a "life plan" community as a result of my father's dementia and my mother's fragile health, I was part of the Family Council which met monthly with management to discuss community issues. Nearly all of the adult children were in the 55 to 65 age range and nearly all of them said during informal discussions "I will take a 'pill' or just shoot me" would be their choice when they needed the care their parents were receiving. Many of those who commented on this article seemed to have that plan as well.
Few states-- and no national policy-- allow for that option in any formal way. While those of us who watched our parents being "toileted", showered and fed by hired care attendants may think we will be able to avoid that future, unless social policy changes rapidly, we won't. Some of the lucky few among us will be active and cheerful our entire lives. Others will spend years in the fog of dementia or unable to care for our basic needs. None will have total control of which future is ours.
68
Lynda, how exactly do u think social policy should read on this topic...all u fifty somethings who don't want to end up in a nursing home vote to change the laws so that u too can have assisted suicide rights in your state even though u don't have a terminal illness? It's so easy to buy pills on the Internet or a gun even, but when the time comes we always want somebody else to take care of the problem....no one has a clear idea on just how to change policies on elderly who have no quality of life left & no assisted living or nursing home is going to turn down a client who has a few good years of life left in them. People with dementia & Alzheimer's get dumped in nursing homes all the time & the only family they have left is the people who work there who get paid a miserable hourly rate to care for 7 or more sick elderly in one 8 hour shift! Anyone who is diagnosed with Alzheimer's before things get really bad should have an option to end their life when the time comes but we will never fix this problem because it's so ingrained in us to live. Sometimes death is a blessing for some suffering day after day, but who will decide when it's time to put Mom or Dad down like we do with our beloved pets when it's time? Who will do this?
6
Quite a number of people in their sixties and seventies here are saying "just shoot me" if I can't take care of myself in my own home. I realize they're mostly being facetious, but that attitude frustrates me because it's not a viable plan for the aging or for the kids who might try to help them some day.
My experience with caring for advanced age relatives is that:
1) they don't actually want to kill themselves or their spouses,
2) they still get some joy out of life even when compromised by pain, incontinence, mobility and cognitive issues -- seeing grandchildren, having pets, eating good food, listening to music.
3) a good portion of people over 85 might not having the cognizance (1 in 3 have some dementia) to balance checkbooks or manage multiple shifts of in-home caregivers, and thus, assisted living is an attractive choice -- not a depressing one.
My experience with caring for advanced age relatives is that:
1) they don't actually want to kill themselves or their spouses,
2) they still get some joy out of life even when compromised by pain, incontinence, mobility and cognitive issues -- seeing grandchildren, having pets, eating good food, listening to music.
3) a good portion of people over 85 might not having the cognizance (1 in 3 have some dementia) to balance checkbooks or manage multiple shifts of in-home caregivers, and thus, assisted living is an attractive choice -- not a depressing one.
35
A quick summation of both the positive and negative reactions to this article reveals an old and fundamental truism - as they age people want choices and control over their lives. For some people, the choice will always mean living independently as long as possible; for others it will mean some kind of assisted living with or without spouses, sibs, or children. The realities of careers, geography, finances, familial relationships, and personal motivations mean that not every option is going to be equally available to everyone. This is not a good time in American history to discuss "government supported social and geriatric services"(remember folks, Republicans are going to get old and infirm too!) but the point is to provide as many affordable options, levels of care, and paid home care support staff as we can. Personally, as a married but independent minded Boomer whose parents are both deceased, my wife and I ABHOR both institutional options or the idea of moving in with our children and will use whatever resources we have to make the choices we want.
16
I'd rather die. Seriously. When I visit my mother in her so-called "independent living" building which is not technically part of a CCRC but is part of a cluster of facilities that include assisted living, rehab, and nursing home, I am overwhelmed by acute depression. Some of the people seem to be somewhat active but most just exist, plagued by physical ailments including severe limitations on mobility and mental deterioration. There seems to be an ambulance out front most days and every week, at least one person dies. It is incredibly motivating to me to do everything in my power to stay healthy. At 60, I am healthier than I've been in years and continuing to improve, and largely because I don't want to live like that. My husband and I agree - if we need to live in a building like that, "just shoot me." I remember the days when old people pleaded "just don't put me in a nursing home." I'm not seeing how these CCRCs are much better, the happy faces on the brochure notwithstanding. And, in fact, they absolutely dread having to move from the "independent" to the assisted" as it represents a step towards the grave in their eyes. They refuse to go and so they stay, more and more infirm, in the independent, making it even more depressing. As for taking care of the house, well, for the kind of money it takes to live in a CCRC, I can pay someone to do that work.
35
You sound like my parents where my father said they will take a row boat and just row out to sea and keep going. Unfortunately when you say, "just shoot me", that is not a plan and if you have kids they may be concerned like me when there is no plan!!
6
We told our (2) children that we were giving them a great gift when we moved into a CCRC--they'd never have to take care of us. I hated leaving my NJ home for a CCRC in Washington State, but our daughter showed it to us on a visit to her. It was convenient for her and it is in a lovely setting. We live in a duplex and it has turned out well for my husband, now 86. For me--meh. As I say, Panorama is a lovely place, just on the wrong coast. Now that my husband is no longer driving, he makes use of the on -campus transportation. Off campus, my daughter drives, since his walker won't fit in the trunk of my sports car (!). There are all kinds of activities here, both mental and physical, and no one needs to be alone and/or bored if they don't wish to be. By the same token, no one is pushed into participating--no tumeler on the staff. As it happens, my husband had to be hospitalized earlier this year, and was discharged to the convalescent/rehab service on the campus, where he spent 2 weeks enjoying excellent care and rehab--they really made him work. This was 2 blocks from our home. Although this is not my place of choice, it was a decision that had to be made, and we made it five years ago. You've heard from all the others, now you've heard it from someone living in a CCRC.
36
Alas, life's what happens when you're making other plans.
7
For me to surrender to care givers is worse than death. I don't care if i forget to take my pills or stop eating. That brings on death sooner than later, so what!
I am 73, have lived a good life and don't believe in suicide.
Like a ripe piece of fruit, i am ready to fall from the tree.
What good is life without piece of mind? I just want quiet time so i can commune With my God.
I read somewhere that the Eskimos would put an old person on a piece of ice and float them out to sea.
For a calloused country that puts millions in prison. wages war across the world, has homeless in the streets, children in poverty, they sure cling to their own existence.
I am 73, have lived a good life and don't believe in suicide.
Like a ripe piece of fruit, i am ready to fall from the tree.
What good is life without piece of mind? I just want quiet time so i can commune With my God.
I read somewhere that the Eskimos would put an old person on a piece of ice and float them out to sea.
For a calloused country that puts millions in prison. wages war across the world, has homeless in the streets, children in poverty, they sure cling to their own existence.
19
Well, at some point I hope you find peace of mind.
3
My grandparents and my family lived in a duplex. I am sorry such multi=generational living seems to have disappeared.
21
My grandparents, back in urban Jersey, always had duplexes and the family did very well. It's not so easy these days. Even if the family relationships are such that duplex living would be desirable, there are so many areas of the country where duplexes are so rare as to be practically non-existent. In my city, the occasional 1940's era side-by-side duplexes that come on the market are snapped up immediately at ridiculously inflated prices because they are usually on busy undesirable streets and in terrible shape, and then are used as overpriced rentals.
3
We're both 73 and live in a large Victorian house that provides a substantial part of our income as well as a 5-bedroom triplex for my wife, me, and our adult son, who is separated from his wife and will probably live here for the foreseeable.
Because we're responsible for providing housing and property management services --- and the prompt, responsive service that good tenants expect --- we've always paid for outside help and figure those costs into our operating budget. And, fortunately, our son is starting to take over some of the lesser jobs (lawns long gone but exterior maintenance nevertheless) that I and my wife have actually enjoyed doing ourselves and, to some extent, still do. We know it's just a matter of time before those jobs will be beyond us, and we're pleased that our son is taking an increasingly active role in maintenance.
Anything can happen. The best laid plans and all that. But we're not likely to give up on our house and our dynamic, diverse urban neighborhood until no other choice is available.
Because we're responsible for providing housing and property management services --- and the prompt, responsive service that good tenants expect --- we've always paid for outside help and figure those costs into our operating budget. And, fortunately, our son is starting to take over some of the lesser jobs (lawns long gone but exterior maintenance nevertheless) that I and my wife have actually enjoyed doing ourselves and, to some extent, still do. We know it's just a matter of time before those jobs will be beyond us, and we're pleased that our son is taking an increasingly active role in maintenance.
Anything can happen. The best laid plans and all that. But we're not likely to give up on our house and our dynamic, diverse urban neighborhood until no other choice is available.
4
Trudy, u & your family r the exception....there r not many families like yours who can live together like that anymore, lucky u to be part of such a family!
1
I'm still disappointed that Ms. Span has not taking on the subject of CCRC's that have grossly too few Assisted Living residences, in comparison to the number of Independent Living residences, resulting in long waiting lists for 'promotion' to Assisted Living. That seems to be financially motivated, and results in the CCRC reneging on it's commitment to provide its residents with the most suitable level of accommodation, even though it has already accepted a significant initial financial contribution from those independent residents at move-in.
19
That's an interesting angle, one I had not realized was an issue. From what I have read (not to mention observed, in my own family) seniors in independent living status will hang on and fight tooth and nail not to be reclassified as needing assisted living.
7
Either there's a waiting list to be moved, or the person resists moving. Our relative didn't want to step down, or up, however you'd say. He claimed he didn't need it, he could take his meds etc etc but then when he died we found piles of unopened bags of prescription meds.
4
Why the huge buy-in fees? This doesn't sound like a workable model for average people.
24
Possible reasons: (1) human aging, like human disease, is rapidly becoming the object of other peoples' profits; (2) to keep out the "riff-raff," as in "if you don't have enough money to pay the buy-in fees, we don't want your kind here."
If you are less than well-off, or have children but need to work, or need long-term medical care at any age, you're out of luck in the U.S. My European friends never stop marveling at the poor social level of services this country provides its citizens. There's only one way around it for us -- never stop working, and don't get old.
If you are less than well-off, or have children but need to work, or need long-term medical care at any age, you're out of luck in the U.S. My European friends never stop marveling at the poor social level of services this country provides its citizens. There's only one way around it for us -- never stop working, and don't get old.
23
Most of the CCRCs are not for average folks. One has to have either large sums of money or property to sell to buy in then have enough money to pay the monthly fees which are usually quite high. That is why so many seniors stay in senior housing (if they can get in) until something devastating happens as they have to spend down any savings they have to receive assistance. One of the CCRCs near where I live requires a good sized buy in fee and financial statements to prove the potential resident has the funds to pay for two years of assisted living.
8
Many CCRCs depend for the buy-on price on the $$ from the sale of the applicant's home--assuming that at age 70 or over, an applicant has probably paid down their mortgage.
In fact, one CCRC in my area actually tried to work with potential residents by offering a loan to those trying to sell their homes, so that they could buy into the facility while they waited for their home to sell.
In fact, one CCRC in my area actually tried to work with potential residents by offering a loan to those trying to sell their homes, so that they could buy into the facility while they waited for their home to sell.
3
At age 71 or 95, I would much prefer to just be shot in the head. If all I have to look forward to is watching TV...then seriously, just let me die now!
I'm 63, my husband is 73....he's a bit boring, but he takes our 12 yr old grandson to Karate lessons twice a week. I home school 2 grandchildren. Unfortunately, I spend a good deal of my time outside the home in a wheelchair. I drive, I just can't stand or walk for more than a few minutes due to nerve damage in my legs. I still go to amusement parks, the zoo, shopping, concerts, political rallies, out to restaurants, to movie theatres, and especially....onto my boat. Even my parents who are 82 and 83 enjoy weekends on the lake on my pontoon boat. My Mother, who has had polio since 1937 and who is completely wheelchair bound can get onto the boat. Sure, we are starting to have to hire some of the maintenance chores done around the house, but the cost is insignificant compared to the benefits of living in my own home and enjoying the comfort, privacy, peacefulness and beauty of living in my own home an not some institutionalized cracker box.
I'm 63, my husband is 73....he's a bit boring, but he takes our 12 yr old grandson to Karate lessons twice a week. I home school 2 grandchildren. Unfortunately, I spend a good deal of my time outside the home in a wheelchair. I drive, I just can't stand or walk for more than a few minutes due to nerve damage in my legs. I still go to amusement parks, the zoo, shopping, concerts, political rallies, out to restaurants, to movie theatres, and especially....onto my boat. Even my parents who are 82 and 83 enjoy weekends on the lake on my pontoon boat. My Mother, who has had polio since 1937 and who is completely wheelchair bound can get onto the boat. Sure, we are starting to have to hire some of the maintenance chores done around the house, but the cost is insignificant compared to the benefits of living in my own home and enjoying the comfort, privacy, peacefulness and beauty of living in my own home an not some institutionalized cracker box.
9
For crying out loud!!! All u people who just want to be shot in the head NOBODY is going to put u out of your future misery but u! Buy yourself a gun for when u can't take the "Golden Years" any longer & make sure u put all your wishes in writing! With any luck you'll just go peacefully in your sleep one night after continually wishing u were dead!
4
My husband I purchased a two family home (very affordable in St Louis). My mom moved from Florida and came to live in the first floor apartment. I was available to grocery shop, take her to doctor's appointments etc. It was difficult at times but I have wonderful memories of a glass of wine together at the end of a work day and Sunday and holiday dinners spent together. We both had our own space which I think was one of the reasons it worked out for both of us.
11
Good for u Dolan, God will bless u for your patience & clearly your Mom was a lovely enough person even at the end, not all children have such loving relationships with their parents & not all parents r lucky enough to have such loving & caring children.
1
Interesting article, though I can't see the kids of the growing demographic that's delaying childbearing doing this. When their parents are eighty-five, they'll be in their forties and fifties.
My mom had me in her mid-forties (an oddity in the 1970s). By the time she was eighty, she was developing dementia and I was thirty-six. For several years, I took care of her, three kids and a freelance career. Now, thankfully, she's in assisted living--still with my involvement and care. But I won't be moving into assisted living at forty. :)
My mom had me in her mid-forties (an oddity in the 1970s). By the time she was eighty, she was developing dementia and I was thirty-six. For several years, I took care of her, three kids and a freelance career. Now, thankfully, she's in assisted living--still with my involvement and care. But I won't be moving into assisted living at forty. :)
15
This is a win/win for Mr. Geiwitz and his mom. He is 71 years old--not at all too young to move to a CCRC. Neither he nor his mom will become isolated as she might have been had she "aged in place" and as he would be if he were her sole caregiver.
I am among the "young old" and am working because I was out of the workforce for a while and am trying to make up for that monetarily (not successfully) and because I believe working is good for my physical, emotional and cognitive health (this I have been doing successfully).
My parents died at age 85 (mom) and 92 (dad) and my dad, especially, was quite physically healthy until his final year of life. But he never recovered from my mom's death. They lived with a sib in a separate apartment in her home and were happy there. Other people are not so lucky. My dad had a small pension plus Social Security. My mom had only SS. But they were very grateful for what they had. I hope I am as grateful as I age, even if I worry about our financial situation as we age. Gratitude I believe was key to their good aging and I would like to emulate that.
I am among the "young old" and am working because I was out of the workforce for a while and am trying to make up for that monetarily (not successfully) and because I believe working is good for my physical, emotional and cognitive health (this I have been doing successfully).
My parents died at age 85 (mom) and 92 (dad) and my dad, especially, was quite physically healthy until his final year of life. But he never recovered from my mom's death. They lived with a sib in a separate apartment in her home and were happy there. Other people are not so lucky. My dad had a small pension plus Social Security. My mom had only SS. But they were very grateful for what they had. I hope I am as grateful as I age, even if I worry about our financial situation as we age. Gratitude I believe was key to their good aging and I would like to emulate that.
14
I live with my 89 year old mother and care for her in her home. We have a lawn service cut the grass and pay to have our groceries delivered. I do all the cooking and house cleaning. Neither one of us would want to live in the housing described in this article. My mother (and father, who is deceased) have owned this house for over fifty years. This is home. And home we will stay. As a baby boomer, I find my interests often align well with younger people and that having friends from different age groups makes for a rich life. I wouldn't want to just hang around old people.
17
Listen 94080, u sound like a really good person & I believe u r doing the right thing, but YEAH! U better not just hang around old folks...keep your mind & interests young u owe that to yourself for being a good egg.
1
My mother lives in England, 6000 miles away from me, and after my father's death she was essentially home-bound – she does not drive and the walk into the center of her small town was too much for her arthritic hips. And of course, she didn't want to accept rides and "be beholden" to anyone. My siblings and I had nightmares about her potential future.
But ... she finally saw the light, decided to move, and we found an excellent apartment for her in the center of town, close to her church, the shops, and the buses, in a warden-managed small community of seniors (not many CCRCs in the UK). The deal-clincher (interestingly, in the light of many comments here) was when she realized that she could make the living room feel very much like the home she was leaving, because the furniture would fit.
During the past two years she has made new friends and has a completely different, and more positive, attitude on life – blessings we always wished for her but scarcely dared hope for. We were lucky, I know, but it also took a great deal of patient, steady, supportive persuasion and suggestion to make this her own decision, and something she has come to embrace as the right thing.
But ... she finally saw the light, decided to move, and we found an excellent apartment for her in the center of town, close to her church, the shops, and the buses, in a warden-managed small community of seniors (not many CCRCs in the UK). The deal-clincher (interestingly, in the light of many comments here) was when she realized that she could make the living room feel very much like the home she was leaving, because the furniture would fit.
During the past two years she has made new friends and has a completely different, and more positive, attitude on life – blessings we always wished for her but scarcely dared hope for. We were lucky, I know, but it also took a great deal of patient, steady, supportive persuasion and suggestion to make this her own decision, and something she has come to embrace as the right thing.
49
Does anyone remember what it was like 50+ years ago? Families lived close to one another, grandparents took care of childcare, extended family helped with elder care and the like. This long distance, independent "stuff" is new. Now we hire nannies to watch our children, and move to long care facilities to "not burden" our children with our care as we age. My parents have been gone a long time. As the last of 5 children, born very late in their lives, they have been gone for many years. I lived out of state and had small children when they needed me the most. I wish it had been different. I wish they were here for me to help now that I have the time.
6
An important change from 50+ years ago is that a majority of married women work outside the home. (As my own mother did then.)
The other change from 50+ years ago (and probably a little earlier than that) is that longevity has increased. It is primarily these older old people who need more support systems/caregiving to live a quality life. Growing up, I knew no one other than myself, my brother and our cousins who had a living great grandparent. Now they are almost standard equipment.
The other change from 50+ years ago (and probably a little earlier than that) is that longevity has increased. It is primarily these older old people who need more support systems/caregiving to live a quality life. Growing up, I knew no one other than myself, my brother and our cousins who had a living great grandparent. Now they are almost standard equipment.
9
This is the kind generalizing that creates false notions about what we need as a society. First of all, the majority o fAmerican families do NOT have nannies. The majority of families do NOT move the elderly into long care facilities. The majority of families cannot afford to pay someone else to take care of their loved ones.
Instead of worrying about whether you should shoot yourself or mock the person who chooses to live in senior residences, consider the wider picture, where people have one meal a day because it is delivered by a kind volunteer, while their children take care of their grandchildren because a generation is on drugs.
Instead of worrying about whether you should shoot yourself or mock the person who chooses to live in senior residences, consider the wider picture, where people have one meal a day because it is delivered by a kind volunteer, while their children take care of their grandchildren because a generation is on drugs.
6
I live with my mother who's in her late 80s. She's in good shape cognitively and okay shape physically but if I weren't here she'd accidentally burn the house down or not be able to get up when she falls (hip and knee replacements plus inner ear problems). My 2 siblings - whom she has always favored - can't be bothered with her and she is embittered and hostile towards me rather than appreciating that I'm here.
She's still very independent and will go into assisted living when hell freezes over. Can't say I blame her.
I have found this overwhelming and isolating. It's nearly my whole life now and I often feel I have little contact with the adult world.
My advice is if you're considering moving in with an aging parent, think carefully about the relationship you've had with them previously - it may not be any better than that and might be worse. I complain sometimes to my physician and he always says that the child who lives with the aged parent always has to handle all the responsibility because siblings make themselves scarce, happy to put responsibility on the live-in. This has proved shockingly true. My mother has no signs of dementia but is increasingly controlling, bitter, defiant and prone to rages. (Yes, I've taken her to be checked by a neurologist).
I've known people in the 80s & 90s who remained pretty much as they were in the 50s and 60s. My mom isn't one of them. I know I'm doing the right thing for her. But I wish it was easier.
She's still very independent and will go into assisted living when hell freezes over. Can't say I blame her.
I have found this overwhelming and isolating. It's nearly my whole life now and I often feel I have little contact with the adult world.
My advice is if you're considering moving in with an aging parent, think carefully about the relationship you've had with them previously - it may not be any better than that and might be worse. I complain sometimes to my physician and he always says that the child who lives with the aged parent always has to handle all the responsibility because siblings make themselves scarce, happy to put responsibility on the live-in. This has proved shockingly true. My mother has no signs of dementia but is increasingly controlling, bitter, defiant and prone to rages. (Yes, I've taken her to be checked by a neurologist).
I've known people in the 80s & 90s who remained pretty much as they were in the 50s and 60s. My mom isn't one of them. I know I'm doing the right thing for her. But I wish it was easier.
124
As someone who grew up with a verbally abusive and manipulative grandmother in my parents' home, I know some of the pain you feel. After my own experience (and watching my parents deal with my horrible grandmother), this is one thing I really can't get behind - sacrificing one's own life for a parent who refuses to appreciate it, or even to maintain a cordial relationship with their child (barring dementia from a previously caring parent). I would not do this for a parent who treated me like your mother treats you, not for duty, not for money. I would do it for parents who have been loving and kind to me. You only get one life - it's not worth it to spend your remaining years locked in a prison with your abusive mother. Let her other children take care of her for a while.
14
flee
12
Has your physician discussed with you how you might find ways to be less isolated or how you can try to involve your family or other people in your mother's care? You cannot do it all alone and you do need to find some other people to be with. You also need to have some relief from caring for her or you will find yourself in a bad way physically and mentally.
One other question comes to mind. Please don't take this the wrong way. Are you doing this because your family expects you to or because you feel that it's the right thing to do for the parent who raised you? There is a world of difference between doing it because you're expected to and doing it because you feel that it's what you owe your mother or want to do for her. And that does not mean you shouldn't have your angry resentful feelings. I think it's very hard to take care of someone who has been a parent no matter what sort of parent they were.
One other question comes to mind. Please don't take this the wrong way. Are you doing this because your family expects you to or because you feel that it's the right thing to do for the parent who raised you? There is a world of difference between doing it because you're expected to and doing it because you feel that it's what you owe your mother or want to do for her. And that does not mean you shouldn't have your angry resentful feelings. I think it's very hard to take care of someone who has been a parent no matter what sort of parent they were.
11
Stories like this are why I'm so grateful my dad is moving cross-country to be closer to me and my husband. With my parents on the opposite coast, and my mom in and out of the hospital, I could do almost nothing to help. Now, if my dad needs help when he gets older (he's in better shape than I am though) he'll be close to me, and we'll figure out the rest when we get there.
One of the things that kept me up at night when my mom was alive was worrying about what would happen if my dad became ill or injured and couldn't be her primary caregiver. I didn't know what I'd do then. It's a huge relief to know he'll be close to me.
One of the things that kept me up at night when my mom was alive was worrying about what would happen if my dad became ill or injured and couldn't be her primary caregiver. I didn't know what I'd do then. It's a huge relief to know he'll be close to me.
3
While many elders want to stay in their own homes for as long as possible, this can be a lonely choice after the death of one's spouse. My widowed aunt, now in her 90s, found her mood much improved when she moved into a CCRC full of vital, interesting seniors like her. She enjoys outings, organized activities, communal dinners, and social contact with her peers. The quality of her life was greatly improved by communal (although independent) living. I am only in my 50s, but I can well imagine making a choice like hers if and when I am on my own in life.
45
I wish my mother had kept up with her social activities after my dad died. She wouldn't go to church or visit any family members, she lived almost fifteen years after his death. I know if she hadn't been so stubborn she would have enjoyed a much better life.
It's good to hear a happy story, thanks.
It's good to hear a happy story, thanks.
4
My husband and I moved to the Village at Duxbury, a Massachusetts CCRC, in 2011, at ages 60 and 73, respectively, because it fit our current and anticipated future needs. Four visits and four months later, my mother, age 88, moved to the same community. She golfs, plays bridge, sings in the chorus, and invites men to dinner. We do pool and gym fitness, work in the library, participate in village governance, cook, and socialize with many of the same people.
My mom is a very high energy senior, and we can't keep up with her--and mostly don't try. She's also a magnet who draws everyone one else in the family to Duxbury. This opportunity to share a community with her, after decades of living in different states, is a gift for which I'm very grateful. And we hardly ever get on each other's nerves.
My mom is a very high energy senior, and we can't keep up with her--and mostly don't try. She's also a magnet who draws everyone one else in the family to Duxbury. This opportunity to share a community with her, after decades of living in different states, is a gift for which I'm very grateful. And we hardly ever get on each other's nerves.
54
How lucky you are to have found a community that is suitable for you at your young ages and also to have a familial relationship that makes it a great place for all of you.
8
This surely gives the lie to the assumption that the most devoted adult children are daughters. That said, much as I admire his impulse, I worry that Mr. Geiwitz is giving up far too much --- and perhaps more than his mother would want him to giver up, as parents rarely want their children to sacrifice everything on their behalf. Alternatively, as a single and (I assume) childless man, he has found a way to avoid his own fears of being old & alone. Should his mother die sooner rather than later, he will living among people far younger than he. Then what? Given current longevity he may have two decades of life before him, with his mother gone, and without the contemporaries we all need to age well.
8
Jane, I know you have put a lot of thought into the issues involved here, but I think you may be assuming that life as a younger old person in a CCRC is more limiting than I have observed. My parents loved into a semi-detached patio home in such a community in their mid-70's (in 1991). At that time they continued to travel, cooked their own meals, were notorious for welcoming new residents with an invitation to brunch at their place, played bridge at the CCRC and at the small town's senior center, went to church in a nearby community, attended local high school basketball games and theatre at a nearby college and so on. They were not total anomalies amongst residents their age.
The biggest differences between their one bedroom CCRC home and mine a little earlier on E. 45 St. in Manhattan were - first - that mine was in a building with a health club downstairs while theirs was on a lake and - second - that mine had excellent walkable restaurants etc. but no legal on-street parking while theirs had an attached garage and a small screened in patio but the on-site dining was so-so. Moving into a CCRC doesn't mean one necessarily stops participating in the life of the larger community.
The biggest differences between their one bedroom CCRC home and mine a little earlier on E. 45 St. in Manhattan were - first - that mine was in a building with a health club downstairs while theirs was on a lake and - second - that mine had excellent walkable restaurants etc. but no legal on-street parking while theirs had an attached garage and a small screened in patio but the on-site dining was so-so. Moving into a CCRC doesn't mean one necessarily stops participating in the life of the larger community.
8
I believe your view of Mr. Geiwitz's life shows a lack of life experience. There are so, so many people in the world who have different needs than the mainstream and who are we to say what they are? Given the incredibly small amount of information that we have about Mr. Geiwitz, he may have much different social needs than yours or mine, and as he said "gets along well with older people". Why is that not legitimate? No, really - do you truly think all happy people live a life that follows such a prescribed path as you lay out? It takes all kinds. He may end up being the shining light of the community that befriends people for years, or he may live quietly. Please, open up your view of humankind and realize that we are all not as similar as you believe and we all have different needs and gifts to share. We also have incredibly varying experiences that shape our needs as we grow. Give this man the respect of knowing what is best for him and acting on it.
9
I'm glad to see that someone is able to care for their parent and themselves in the same facility. I fear that for the latter part of the baby boom generation on down, such care will be unaffordable whether it's in our own homes or in an assisted living facility. That's because Americans voted against their own best interests when it came to the social safety net and other important issues. Many people will be unable to retire, unable to live in decent housing, unable to pay for any sort of medical care, help, or otherwise due to the flatlining of salaries and pay since the mid to late 1970s. The middle and working classes are becoming the poor but working class in America. Had we not swallowed the lines put out by Reagan and company regarding greed and morning in America, and welfare queens, we might have a different set of problems. What most of us can look forward to is declining health, no place to live, and no one who will care. Thank you GOP and those who voted you into office.
128
Great comment! A disappearing social safety net that benefits everyone because "we can't afford it." Meanwhile every Republican presidential candidate is ready to expand the military and engage in another costly war. Our priorities are so screwed up.
73
You hit the nail on the head. I'm 31 years old today, and I wonder, what will become of my parents, who are in their early sixties, if they reach old age and require care? I've recently had a career change and have no idea what my financial situation will be in the next five years, never mind the next twenty. I don't know if I'll have kids and will have to care for them while also caring for aging parents. Currently I live 3,000 miles away from my parents; will I need to move if they need assistance? Will my brother move? Will they move in with one of us? What happens if one of them dies young and the other is alone? Currently, I have no idea and worry about my parents retiring in comfort--while they have a decent IRA and my dad will receive a pension, if they retire at 65 as they plan and then live another 30 years it won't be nearly enough. As for my own retirement, well, let's just say that I have little hope that our meagre social safety net will even exist by the time I'm 70 or so if the current trend continues.
These issues would be a lot less daunting if we as a society decided that the wealthy especially could pay more in taxes so we could collectively care for our elder population, or, you know, catch up with the rest of the world and have universal single-payer healthcare. Can you imagine the burden lifted from so many families if we didn't have to worry about healthcare costs from cradle to grave?
These issues would be a lot less daunting if we as a society decided that the wealthy especially could pay more in taxes so we could collectively care for our elder population, or, you know, catch up with the rest of the world and have universal single-payer healthcare. Can you imagine the burden lifted from so many families if we didn't have to worry about healthcare costs from cradle to grave?
20
Actually, had you not swallowed the liberal left's lie of a contraceptive mentality, you might have had 4-7 loving children around you with whom to enjoy the rest of your life. If you have no one to care for you I would advise you not to blame the taxpayers and politicians but your shortsightedness in planning your family. No one has children merely to tend to them in old age but I know dozens of large families ( the mother of one who is being buried today) who were surrounded by their children and welcomed by them into their homes in their advanced years. Or at least attended by them with love. Large families tend to be generous families. It is not the taxpayer's responsibility to provide for the elderly but family. If people have only a couple of far flung children who are not interested in having them in their lives, it's not the state's fault. The people of the left have contracepted and aborted themselves to a dwindling number and the chickens are coming home to roost.
Good for Mr. Geiwitz for planning ahead (for himself) while continuing to be a caregiver for his mother. It is unfortunate that some seniors make the decision to move so late that they have difficulty establishing connections within a new community and are also unable to take full advantage of everything the best CCRCs have to offer. This move shows a lot of wisdom on his part. Planning ahead is important: some CCRCs will not accept new residents who are already significantly physically or cognitively disabled and many have long wait lists. He is also very fortunate that Glen Meadows is so affordable for their family. In some high cost communities (e.g. the SF Bay Area), a CCRC entrance fee can be 6 or 7 figures making the possibility of moving in concurrently with one's parent simply unaffordable.
15
You are so right about the danger of waiting too long. My inlaws dug into their single family home and would not consider a senior community. FIL died at 91, leaving MIL (same age) dumbstruck. It never occurred to her, after 70 years of marriage, that she could be widowed. She moved within a year to a lovely CCRC but it was FIL, not MIL, who had the real social skills. So she feels pretty lonely there because she doesn't make friends easily. If they had both moved into it, he could have greased the social wheels. Even she occasionally says they should have moved earlier (well, before he died), although other times she says she probably left her single family house too soon (believe me, it was NOT too soon.)
11
Argh...I just typed a whole reply that disappeared, so I'll make this quick...
Figure out creative ways to fill gaps as we all get older...services such as taxis vs subway, FreshDirect, TaskRabbit, occasional cleaning service, help from friends, Visiting Nurse as needed.
Unfortunately retirment communities that treat older people with intelligence and dignity are often too costly for most. The 'masses' are then left with places that are run in an 'unintelligent' manner: staff paid poorly, understaffed, view all older people as 'bumbling drooling idiots who need diapers and should be dead already'. So why on earth would most of us look forward to 'retirment' communities when so often this is how they are run? The gloom and doom is very palpable.
The big problem is that the US is way too ffixated on youth, and avoids confronting aging and death in a realistic manner. No one wants to talk about it or admit it will happen to them, so in turn they shun the elderly and would prefer to pretend they don't exist. They'd rather parcel them offf to the hinterlands so they can pretend that they themselves will never get old or die.
Guy in this story and his mom are very lucky...sounds like a great plan. But your average person could never afford an $80,000 or so 'entrance fee'.
Figure out creative ways to fill gaps as we all get older...services such as taxis vs subway, FreshDirect, TaskRabbit, occasional cleaning service, help from friends, Visiting Nurse as needed.
Unfortunately retirment communities that treat older people with intelligence and dignity are often too costly for most. The 'masses' are then left with places that are run in an 'unintelligent' manner: staff paid poorly, understaffed, view all older people as 'bumbling drooling idiots who need diapers and should be dead already'. So why on earth would most of us look forward to 'retirment' communities when so often this is how they are run? The gloom and doom is very palpable.
The big problem is that the US is way too ffixated on youth, and avoids confronting aging and death in a realistic manner. No one wants to talk about it or admit it will happen to them, so in turn they shun the elderly and would prefer to pretend they don't exist. They'd rather parcel them offf to the hinterlands so they can pretend that they themselves will never get old or die.
Guy in this story and his mom are very lucky...sounds like a great plan. But your average person could never afford an $80,000 or so 'entrance fee'.
33
I think he sold his house and used the proceeds to fund the entrance fee(s).
2
I am 66 years old and have a small Social Security retirement income. My Father is 92 and my Mom is 88. Neither one of my parents can 100% care for themselves. They live in a rural area and need care. They can't afford to have some one come to their home and care for them. So here I am. If it wasn't for my SS payment every month I couldn't help them. Who ever says government doesn't do good doesn't know me.
58
Thanks so much for this comment. It is not only Social Security that helps older adults. It is, of course, Medicare AND Medicaid--the largest single payer for long term care. And it is Sovisl Security Disability benefits if one becomes disabled before Age 65.
It also is federal Older Americans Act money distributed to area agencies on aging along with state money. And local money in many counties as well as transportation money for services for seniors in many locales. And it is SNAP benefits and other food programs as well as various grants for such things as wellness programs.
We are our own worst enemies if we do not inform ourselves about the real good done by our tax money. Why are we bankrupting ourselves with wars instead of using resources for programs for older adults, kids and people in poverty as well as for our infrastructure rebuilding-which would go a long way to ameliorate unemployment?
We need a change in priorities before it is too late!
It also is federal Older Americans Act money distributed to area agencies on aging along with state money. And local money in many counties as well as transportation money for services for seniors in many locales. And it is SNAP benefits and other food programs as well as various grants for such things as wellness programs.
We are our own worst enemies if we do not inform ourselves about the real good done by our tax money. Why are we bankrupting ourselves with wars instead of using resources for programs for older adults, kids and people in poverty as well as for our infrastructure rebuilding-which would go a long way to ameliorate unemployment?
We need a change in priorities before it is too late!
36
You may already be aware of this but If your father was a war-time vet, both he and your mother may be eligible for the VA's Aid and Attendance/Housebound benefits which pay for basic living services (bathing, feeding, etc) provided in the home. There is an income limit but it is very low.
5
That is a great suggestion - and often people don't know about it.
This is a great story. One part that resonated with me is the mention of the son setting out the medications for his mom. For all you naysayers out there, I am guessing that you have yet to be responsible for ageing parents. Your problems do not go away when you "put " them in a home. Despite all the money that is charged, you will still be scheduling and coordinating appointments, driving to appointments, and coordinating care. You also have to monitor day to day needs. No one will tell you that you mom stopped eating two days ago. Why? Because no one noticed. And giving your parent his or her meds every day is the ONLY way to guarantee they are receiving the pills.
60
I'm just realizing how negative my comment was toward assistive living. Yes, family still has a lot of responsibilities to face. But the social and safety benefits were very beneficial to my relatives.
3
Our experience with assisted living was much more positive.Meds were given appropriately. They kept us informed of her eating habits and we were able to validate this information because of assessment visits.
4
Beth - you are so right. We had to put our mother in a nursing home when it got to the point she couldn't handle stairs any longer & would be trapped in her home. Before that we had a wonderful aid living in with for about 4 years during the weekdays and my sister and I did weekends. It was expensive, isolating and exhausting - emotionally and physically. But even if you put your loved one in a "good home" relatives still have to maintain an active presence and be very involved to make sure nothing goes wrong. Went through hell to get Mom on Medicaid and to keep up her house to sell it to pay the nursing home (spent so much of my own money). My dad fought in WW2 and they paid taxes and did everything right their whole lives but when it comes time for assistance the government makes you go through hell for pennies. Meanwhile I read the NYT series re elderly in NYC and one of the stories is re an elderly immigrant lady in subsidized housing in NYC with aides paid for by the government etc. Why aren't our elderly citizens treated with the same care & respect? Will my husband & I be able to get this subsidized housing & subsidized home care in a few years when we can no longer keep up our home and are frail and elderly after paying taxes our whole lives? Probably not!
As an oldie myself, I appallied by idea of the my children wasting years taking care of me. I just want the black pill way before I reach 95!
51
Sorry you feel that children coming to visit you, include you in their lives, tend to some of your needs is a waste of their time. Boy, what a set of values you must have placed in their hearts. I have a friend who is caring for her father - she's in her 70's and the care is 24/7. Yes, she is dedicating her life to his. She is not married. She is a woman of service who once said to me, " if I want to help others, who better than my own father who loves me so much and is a joy to be around". Some will say that it's ok as long as he is easy going and happy. But I think he is those things because his family was always loving to each other.
Hers is an extraordinary service of love and not one that can often be replicated but surely to think your children are wasting their lives by living near you, as though you had nothing to offer them in return, is saddening.
Hers is an extraordinary service of love and not one that can often be replicated but surely to think your children are wasting their lives by living near you, as though you had nothing to offer them in return, is saddening.
5
I like this idea because it furthers the concept of families staying together as both an economic and spiritual partnership.
When we are born, we have a built-in support mechanism that can stay with us for the rest of our life. It starts with our parents and should end with our kids.
It has only been in the last 50 years that the idea arose of separating children from their economic partnership with their parents, probably from corporate emphasis to sell more products to each person individually rather than having a family share assets. After all, if everyone HAS to have their own apartment and things, more things can be sold.
I am hopeful that the reality of the "Great Recession" will encourage us to restore the family unit as an economic as well as an emotional partnership.
When we are born, we have a built-in support mechanism that can stay with us for the rest of our life. It starts with our parents and should end with our kids.
It has only been in the last 50 years that the idea arose of separating children from their economic partnership with their parents, probably from corporate emphasis to sell more products to each person individually rather than having a family share assets. After all, if everyone HAS to have their own apartment and things, more things can be sold.
I am hopeful that the reality of the "Great Recession" will encourage us to restore the family unit as an economic as well as an emotional partnership.
12
Although I agree it would be terrific if multi-generations could live together in supportive harmony, not everyone's family provides this presumed "built-in support mechanism." And for some people, even if they could all afford separate CCRC units, living in the same community would be too close for comfort.
21
Although the motivation may not be there, it is always better to make major decisions like this while you are not in crisis mode. Nevertheless, growing old is not for sissies.
33
This puts a whole new twist on the idea of "boomerang kids." Actually not a bad idea, if it makes you happy, keeps you healthier, and helps take care of an aging parent.
8
This spring, my 91-year-old parents are coming to live with me. They had sold their home of 42 years last year, but were miserable in my sister's spare condo in Chicago. Luckily, my house has enough room for all of us. I'm giving my mom and dad my bedroom on the first floor, and will move upstairs, and will have the whole floor for my living space. I don't know how long they have left, but a rancorous divorce and a new town with few friends makes me look forward to their coming. We tried it for a month last year, and I was surprised how well it worked. I miss them!
62
Well of course they were miserable in the condo!!
A socially isolated person, probably over the age of 60 (new community, few friends), is about to become the personal possession & servant to 2 people.
My commiserations.
A socially isolated person, probably over the age of 60 (new community, few friends), is about to become the personal possession & servant to 2 people.
My commiserations.
2
WOW! So quick to judge a situation you really know almost nothing about. My commiserations to you -- you seem to see the worst in things.
12
I can speak to this to some extent. I spent every other weekend, Christmas and Spring and Summer vacations with my parents for ten years from their then-ages of 71-81. My mother was partially disabled from the start with osteoarthritis. It wasn't the same as being there full time, but it was a lot of time, esp. the long summer vacations. (I am a teacher). Yes, I was their "servant" in a way, you better believe it got on my nerves at times, but I loved it and they loved it and I was heartbroken when they had to move to a full assisted living facility.
5
The sad reality is that there is no good solution for "what to do with our aging parents?" If they have their basic health, then the problem is somewhat manageable, but once there is a severe drop off in physical or mental health, the burden becomes overwhelming. In the end, most people want to stay in their homes as long as possible. So having BOTH the parent and child move out of their homes into an apartment in a "senior living" community is a negative for both.
7
How is that a negative for both? It appears that those who have done this are quite happy! Speak for yourself, not others.
11
It's hard to see how you drew that lesson from this particular story.
8
To my naysayers, apparently you have ignored the fact that virtually no one is choosing to move in with their parents in senior living residences. This article talks about a tiny sample of people doing this. Oh, and, of course, I am speaking for myself. Aren't you?
4
To me, the obvious thing would be to require new single family housing and apartment buildings snd units to have level entrance and wide interior doors to accommodate wheelchair and walker users. Perhaps paid caregivers could be shared amongst several people in one building to reduce costs or a willing family could provide help for the aging person in exchange for free rent in a large home. Something will have to give because aging people often live diminished lives as their mobility and health decline and they are largely trapped at home.
43
I think CCRCs are a great concept. Glen Meadows appears to have very reasonable entry and monthly fees which is not always the case with these communities. It is a good idea to move in before the challenges of living in one's home arise or if you are single or don't otherwise have (or don't wish to burden) family members with increasing caregiving responsibilities. For the record, I have no affiliation with any CCRC.
17
Indeed Glen Meadows sounds amazingly reasonable. My MIL, at age 91, had to pay over $100,000 entry fee (non-refundable) to a CCRC and pays $3000 a month rent on top of that - for an independent living unit. She'll pay more if she ever has to move to Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing. She's now 95. My husband, her only child, is 74. Oh, she would love it if we moved into her CCRC, that's for sure. It's a nice enough place but we sure don't want to live in it anytime soon- if ever. Meanwhile, we are aware of aging ourselves, but are choosing to stay in single-family home so we can live near our sole grandchild, who is still a toddler. What will the future bring? Who knows?
9
One needs to shop around. And acknowledge that the real estate mantra "location, location, location" is super-relevant when it comes to CCRCs. I am familiar with a small chain of loosely religious-affiliated CCRCs in Ohio where there is no mandatory entrance fee. The trade-off is that monthly (assisted living) and daily (skilled nursing, memory loss unit) fees are more nearly market-rate than in the sort of CCRC's that charge very high upfront fees and robust independent living monthly fees but don't increase fees much or at all when a resident needs those more intense levels of care. The SNF's in those particular Ohio CCRC's are Medicaid eligible. My paternal grandmother lived in the largest of these communities in assisted living and my maternal grandmother lived in the same community's SNF, both for several years. A few years later my parents lived in one of the smaller communities, Daddy for 8 years and Mother for 18, all in independent living until Mother spent her last weeks in the SNF.
2
Am fortunate twice over. My Dad's 93rd birthday is this week, so I'll be zipping up the road for an hour, to his retirement community (the old AF Village West) in Riverside) to party with his football friends, "off campus" at a near-by restaurant.
However, even though Dad's place (LiveAltavita) is close by, I always stay two or three days because the people are such fun, it always seems like I'm on vacation! Dad sleeps in - but ever the early riser, for the past few years I get to hangout with the folks who are up and drinking coffee, and talking politics at 7:00a.m. in the cafe, before the employees arrive.
Prior to meeting Dad's new friends, I wouldn't have guessed Republicans and Democrats could do that on a regularly basis. But it turns out that's what happens in retirement communities. Diverse, but caring people are smart enough to care about each other first, so political chat stays as chat.
Guess that's why I stay for days. Nice and interesting people are always fun. : )
However, even though Dad's place (LiveAltavita) is close by, I always stay two or three days because the people are such fun, it always seems like I'm on vacation! Dad sleeps in - but ever the early riser, for the past few years I get to hangout with the folks who are up and drinking coffee, and talking politics at 7:00a.m. in the cafe, before the employees arrive.
Prior to meeting Dad's new friends, I wouldn't have guessed Republicans and Democrats could do that on a regularly basis. But it turns out that's what happens in retirement communities. Diverse, but caring people are smart enough to care about each other first, so political chat stays as chat.
Guess that's why I stay for days. Nice and interesting people are always fun. : )
28
Your father is a very lucky man. It's wonderful that you both have found such a terrific adaptation as he ages.
5
Yes, Jay. He is. Was shot down in WWII, escaped POW camp (during one forced march too many) and then ferried planes to Korea, (Dad says it's his favorite war because "I just ferried airplanes. Nobody shot at me" Also flew in Vietnam. The guy couldn't catch a break! We also opened up Little Rock AFB, right when the Gov. said "Nope. Integration is not going to happen at Central High School." Trust me, the locals didn't want us there. any more than they wanted integration. The Welcome Wagon did not stop at our house. Anyway, am making a moving about this as I found one guy Dad escape with, and another who saw him get shot down. Figured I kind had to. Here's the FB page.https://www.facebook.com/Trailing-The-Cool-Guy-1489425451333527/?ref=hl
4
Bonnie, Before I even read your second post I was wondering to myself if the WWII and Korea experiences of many men your father's age had given them a perspective on what was really important and also as a practical matter forced them to live in close quarters with men from quite a variety of backgrounds and political beliefs.
2
I am a very fit and healthy 50 year old but when I was scouting out assisted living facilities for my 85 year old mother, I did have thoughts on one or two of them that "this would be a nice place to live" but I admit it was insulting when staff members of the facilities would ask if I was looking for myself or a loved one.
19
I think no need to be insulted. Some communities have pretty long waiting lists and youngsters like yourself want to get onto them. ;-)
14
LOL - I would have had the Exact, same reaction!
Also, some people scout for a, "not so much" loved one. : )
I must say, the folks at my Dad's place, (see my prior comment) are fabulous. All had great careers and are some of the smartest people ever. But then I knew this would be true. I worked in a deli in Sun City, AZ when going to the local college, and got to meet everyone from Wall Street bankers, to Pulitzer Prize, awardees. They were mostly "snowbirds" dividing their time between AZ in the winter and back east and up north in the summer.
But the biggest, scene-stealing, status seeking, signature move among them; was to come to the deli with their friends and pass around pictures of their Other home while talking about how often it was broken into when they were gone. (He who had the most break-ins, won.)
That's when I learned from a very wise insurance retiree, that the burglars would return in about four months....after the premiums had been paid and the home was once again, "newly furnished."
Older people have so much to offer in practical wisdom. This is why decades later, you'll find me at the on-campus coffee gathering place. Am always ready to learn!
Also, some people scout for a, "not so much" loved one. : )
I must say, the folks at my Dad's place, (see my prior comment) are fabulous. All had great careers and are some of the smartest people ever. But then I knew this would be true. I worked in a deli in Sun City, AZ when going to the local college, and got to meet everyone from Wall Street bankers, to Pulitzer Prize, awardees. They were mostly "snowbirds" dividing their time between AZ in the winter and back east and up north in the summer.
But the biggest, scene-stealing, status seeking, signature move among them; was to come to the deli with their friends and pass around pictures of their Other home while talking about how often it was broken into when they were gone. (He who had the most break-ins, won.)
That's when I learned from a very wise insurance retiree, that the burglars would return in about four months....after the premiums had been paid and the home was once again, "newly furnished."
Older people have so much to offer in practical wisdom. This is why decades later, you'll find me at the on-campus coffee gathering place. Am always ready to learn!
7
Yikes - I had no idea about this burglary scenario but it certainly makes sense. I never could understand how people could manage months away from their primary residence in any event. I also liked your remark "some people scout for a, "not so much" loved one. : )" That is true. In fact, when the New Old Age was a blog rather than a column, there was an entire discussion on the much-repeated concept of your "loved one" as if all aging relatives who required care were in fact given help because they were "loved" as opposed to out of a sense of obligation.
1
We just spent most of a New Years Day brunch talking about the adaptations we, baby boomers, have all made to support one or two aging parents.
One friend would like to retire but cannot as she needs her full income to pay for her 96 year old mother's care. She worries about lay-offs more than she worries about having to work at 68.
I spent $1,200 on a last-minute trip to spend the weekend with my 92 year old dad, who was navigating a rough week health-wise and facing a miserable holiday.
And now my mother-in-law is on the phone worried sick about her 88 year old sister who is being run in to an early grave by the demands of her husband.
One friend would like to retire but cannot as she needs her full income to pay for her 96 year old mother's care. She worries about lay-offs more than she worries about having to work at 68.
I spent $1,200 on a last-minute trip to spend the weekend with my 92 year old dad, who was navigating a rough week health-wise and facing a miserable holiday.
And now my mother-in-law is on the phone worried sick about her 88 year old sister who is being run in to an early grave by the demands of her husband.
39
I share all of these concerns and more. We have shredded our social safety nets, including those that support elders. Instead of taking away or cutting back on benefits, we should be increasing them. For instance, Medicaid should be greatly expanded so that it can cover in-home care, rather than only indigent elders who end up selling off all their assets (or hiding them if they are clever enough) and need to be in nursing homes -- such a policy of govt benefits for in home care would reduce elder care costs in the longterm if people could be supported to stay in their homes. Only a few of us can afford to pay the very high costs of elder care out of pocket -- and afford to also take care of ourselves and our children. My almost 90-year old mother, who subsists completely on Social Security (no pensions, etc.) could never afford any of these lovely assisted living communities, and we don't have the means to support her (we would then have to raid our own retirements, ultimately passing the burden onto our children -- a dangerous domino effect). We need to start thinking seriously about a government policy that will support the growing Tsunami of elders who will need help in the coming years. Instead of spending billions on schools in Afghanistan that no one will use, and allowing military government contractors to rip off the taxpayers to the tune of billions a year, we need to fund the war on aging here at home.
89
The problem with in home care is there are not enough caregivers. Then the ones available are not always trustworthy or do the work they are being paid for.
It seems there is always money available for other countries or the refugees Obama wants to bring to America but the government cuts the budgets for the elderly. Now why is that?
It seems there is always money available for other countries or the refugees Obama wants to bring to America but the government cuts the budgets for the elderly. Now why is that?
6
I've always found Baby Boomers an "interesting" group. To their narcissitic way of thinking, anything that happens to them is a "first" - NO ONE has EVER experienced it before.
Parents have always gotten older and always ended up needing some sort of help from their children. No - don't bring out the statistics about longer life expectancy - in the past LOTS of people lived into their 80's. There was no such thing as long term care insurance, most were not covered by Social Security, nor did they have pensions.
What they did have was families and they stepped up to the plate. Yes, it WAS easier when women stayed home and didn't work - easier for their HUSBANDS. Sometimes, an unmarried child moved in with the parents and took care of them. But it was the family, except in very wealthy households where there was already in-place live-in help, who cared for them.
There were NO benefits of any kind - just the responsibility to care for ones family. Now, it appears that we would like to push that responsibility onto the taxpayers, in the form of federal assistance. There are certainly reasons for putting a loved one into a care facility - when they are no longer mobile and cannot do anything for themselves. Yes, many families members did care for such people in the past, but today, fewer are willing.
But that's the operative word here - "willing", and fewer are.
Parents have always gotten older and always ended up needing some sort of help from their children. No - don't bring out the statistics about longer life expectancy - in the past LOTS of people lived into their 80's. There was no such thing as long term care insurance, most were not covered by Social Security, nor did they have pensions.
What they did have was families and they stepped up to the plate. Yes, it WAS easier when women stayed home and didn't work - easier for their HUSBANDS. Sometimes, an unmarried child moved in with the parents and took care of them. But it was the family, except in very wealthy households where there was already in-place live-in help, who cared for them.
There were NO benefits of any kind - just the responsibility to care for ones family. Now, it appears that we would like to push that responsibility onto the taxpayers, in the form of federal assistance. There are certainly reasons for putting a loved one into a care facility - when they are no longer mobile and cannot do anything for themselves. Yes, many families members did care for such people in the past, but today, fewer are willing.
But that's the operative word here - "willing", and fewer are.
3
Interesting article. When I like many, cared for aging parents, to me it seemed obvious, as my mother got into her mid nineties, I would have her move to a very upscale retirement complex, complete with her own apartment, nursing care if required, a social type club if desired, a bank branch in the building, etc etc. I quickly learned the largest percentage of seniors make every effort to stay in their homes. Most of which have no provision for an elderly person. Stairs, bathrooms, etc are as they came with the house. Point is, there is an obvious stigmatizen about moving to a senior facility. All the advanages often reach dead ears, when compared to one's own home surrounded by everything familiar. I also noticed in my case, and I have no regrets, it cost more to have a live in helper than would a retirement facility. My mother simply blocked from her mind any responsibility for the property, banking, etc etc, that was my job. At 97 she passed away in the house as she wanted surrounded by her memories.
13
My father, at 90, agreed, reluctantly, to move in to an independent living facility. It was very nice and provided him with day to day care that we could not - nutrition, better medication management, people his own age. We're lucky: he can afford that for himself.
I thought it was a good thing he was there, so much better than his depressing and isolated existence in his own home... but he hated it and never adapted to being surrounded by "all these old people!" Seeing the wheel chairs and walkers, people in poor condition with their attendants, upset him. so now he's living with my Brother, while they try that out....
I thought it was a good thing he was there, so much better than his depressing and isolated existence in his own home... but he hated it and never adapted to being surrounded by "all these old people!" Seeing the wheel chairs and walkers, people in poor condition with their attendants, upset him. so now he's living with my Brother, while they try that out....
11
At 60 and 62 my husband and I retired from NYC where we raised our children and worked life long careers as social workers. We relocated to Austin Texas where we live a mile from downtown in our very first home with 23 years. I began to study acting and am now a working actor in indies, student films and theater. My husband works as a social worker PT and has recreated NYC handball on the one court with a group of guys who learned to play in prison. I write this to provide a totally different point of view. I spend my days with people in their 20-40's and my children, 28-31 who also moved to Austin are delighted by my diverse world. The above story made me cringe. We have saved our money so that institutionalized care can be avoided at all cost. I am 67 and husband is 69.
3
Addie: You are two-times lucky. First, you have that great government pension (times 2 for both of you) that few others have. Secondly, I believe you are still, at 67 and 69, short of when the challenges begin. The next ten years may bring major changes to your circumstances.
17