I also think that this wasn't mere friendship. The gentleman in this article has romantic feelings for the young lady. Can't tell if the young lady feels the same way. And I don't think it's because it's not possible for a friendship to develop between men and women or Catholics and Muslims or some other thing but simple because the gentleman seems to be in love. Perhaps it's just the author's projections but to me, it seems obvious that this is a love story.
10
To those of you who deny that this is a December-May infatuation: I wonder who payed for lunch?
5
Beautiful story , Facebook keeps me connected with my family and friends from all over the world.
But just to clear things up, I am a Muslim girl, and I wear hijab so I know it's not true that women can't attend prayers at mosques, my husband and I go to Friday Prayers (just like Sunday Service) every week and in Ramadan I go everynights with my female friends to the mosque as a spiritual\ social activity we do together. It's that God gives us permission or even it's more preferable if we muslim women are tiered or sick or busy or if the woman have kids not to attend mosque and to pray at home\ work\ garden wherever she is since God\ Allah is everywhere. :)
But just to clear things up, I am a Muslim girl, and I wear hijab so I know it's not true that women can't attend prayers at mosques, my husband and I go to Friday Prayers (just like Sunday Service) every week and in Ramadan I go everynights with my female friends to the mosque as a spiritual\ social activity we do together. It's that God gives us permission or even it's more preferable if we muslim women are tiered or sick or busy or if the woman have kids not to attend mosque and to pray at home\ work\ garden wherever she is since God\ Allah is everywhere. :)
10
Muslim women are allowed inside the mosque. But we are not obliged. We can pray at home. This is the beauty of Islam.
During Eid festivities we all (men and women) go to the mosque to pray.
During Eid festivities we all (men and women) go to the mosque to pray.
4
It's a very nice story, and thanks for writing about it. I kind of hope it has a happy ending, however unlikely that may be.
As for negative reactions of some folks: Of course, unhappy people lead the way, and want others to join them in misery. We have the old/young issue, the religious issue, the danger of terrorists issue, etc. It's all fear and attempts to control what other people do, and what people should think, as if it is any concern of the know-it-all critics.
I have gradually come to the conclusion that none of this, meaning our brief time on Earth to "enjoy" (if that is the word we want to use) life matters in any way. Life on earth is of absolutely no importance whatsoever, whether it is the lives of polar bears, bacteria, or people. There may some ways of living that work better than others, and we may get some personal satisfaction from living what we consider "ethical" lives, but in the end, after life, we are all permanently and forever dead and without any semblance of consciousness. As dead as we were before we were born.
So it seems to me that taking the pleasures we may be able to find, modest as they sometimes are, as illustrated in this story, is about as good as we are going to get. All the barriers here, all the triumphs, all the difficulty, and all the joy, all is created by humans.
As for negative reactions of some folks: Of course, unhappy people lead the way, and want others to join them in misery. We have the old/young issue, the religious issue, the danger of terrorists issue, etc. It's all fear and attempts to control what other people do, and what people should think, as if it is any concern of the know-it-all critics.
I have gradually come to the conclusion that none of this, meaning our brief time on Earth to "enjoy" (if that is the word we want to use) life matters in any way. Life on earth is of absolutely no importance whatsoever, whether it is the lives of polar bears, bacteria, or people. There may some ways of living that work better than others, and we may get some personal satisfaction from living what we consider "ethical" lives, but in the end, after life, we are all permanently and forever dead and without any semblance of consciousness. As dead as we were before we were born.
So it seems to me that taking the pleasures we may be able to find, modest as they sometimes are, as illustrated in this story, is about as good as we are going to get. All the barriers here, all the triumphs, all the difficulty, and all the joy, all is created by humans.
11
Probably one of the most wonderful stories I have read.
10
It is not about what we are but who we are.
9
This story exemplifies why Facebook is such a hit.
It's for people who want to dream and mumble, rather than actually do anything.
It's for people who want to dream and mumble, rather than actually do anything.
3
Takes all kinds to make the world an interesting place to live in. Those who dream, and those who criticize others for doing so.
41
I love this story. Friendship is beautiful.
24
Nice. Thanks.
5
I'd be far more charmed by this op ed had I not read this: "When he saw that the year of his birth was visible to the world, he panicked: “What, you put my birthday up so everyone can see it?” Dad's another self-inflicted victim of American ageism. And, I'd be even more charmed if he'd chosen a Muslim woman his own age to befriend. December/May infatuation is a cliche.
9
Lighten up! It's a cute story. So he had a crush on a younger woman, and he experienced some long-dormant vanity for a moment Two different cultural 'ships' passing in the night. Move on, nothing to see hear folks.
31
I agree with marky_mark. The author was simply sharing sweet story about her father. I read Modern Love every week and am grateful for the people who are willing to expose their emotions and personal journey in such a public way. They are simply trying to inspire or relate to others. I am growing weary of the readers who feel it is necessary to find one subjectively objectionable aspect of the article. The only people who have the right to publicly trash anyone who writes for Modern Love are those who have had the courage to submit their own story for publication.
24
How sad to sully the innocence of this friendship by calling it a "December-May" infatuation. To have friends from different generations is something desirable and beneficial to all involved.
23
How ironic that many of the critical comments posted here reflect the same mentality--that men and women can never be trusted to have non-sexual friendships--that leads many Saudis to believe it necessary to maintain strict segregation of the sexes.
Their lives may be that much poorer as a result of such restrictions, whether socially mandated or self imposed.
Their lives may be that much poorer as a result of such restrictions, whether socially mandated or self imposed.
37
This article may have endangered that young woman's life. Were her male guardian in Saudi to find out about her relationship with the author's father, she could very well suffer death by honor killing.
9
Sadly, the same thing crossed my mind.
3
I guess you've absorbed a lot of stereotypes about Muslim culture and behavior. The young woman doesn't sound stupid, and surely knew what she was doing when she chose to friend him publicly (!) on Facebook. No, she couldn't have gone out to lunch or coffee with him in Saudi Arabia, but she could do it here, and who do you think let her come here--or even brought her here--in the first place?
21
I find that quite insulting to her family. I feel it is a rarer occurrence than you may think. The woman wearing make up and nail polish lead me to think the family may not be one that would do such a radical thing as you suggest.
10
A beautiful piece, mixing the emotions and loneliness of growing old and wrestling with change, and the desire not to show it you one's friends.
17
Love stories, platonic or otherwise, have the power to captivate and rivet attention, and this one did mine. Well written without bias. Let's readers extrapolate what they may, the hallmark of a good story.
16
Thank you for this. Shows me how the simplest of words can convey deep meaning.
8
Lots of beauty here, in the fact that it happened, in the fact that you wrote about it and the way you saw it. Thank you.
27
I liked this story. I felt like the author's father connected with Anah on a human level and perhaps the younger version of himself.
I especially enjoyed how the author described how different he was from Anah and how he was able to "see" her and not everything "else."
It would be great if more people were having conversations to know one another.
www.facebook.com/cookiescocoaconversation
I especially enjoyed how the author described how different he was from Anah and how he was able to "see" her and not everything "else."
It would be great if more people were having conversations to know one another.
www.facebook.com/cookiescocoaconversation
16
This is an important first step we all must take- to develop real and close friendships with people who practice faiths different from our own. Through recent conversations, I have learned that many of my friends and colleagues have never had a Muslim friend, have never had a Muslim to dinner in their home, and in fact have no close contact with anyone who actively practices a faith different than their own. Until we begin to open our lives, minds and hearts, the world will remain a scary place. We must learn to recognize and treasure what we share: a deep core of human experience, an ocean of ideas, feelings and dreams.
28
This was a very lovely story that shows we can learn new ways of thinking no matter the Age !! We all have comfort zones and he ventured out of his without being influenced by negative media snippets! So in a way it was good he was treasuring his old ways ,he had more tolerance than many do today ! Great dad !!!
19
While I understand that the father personally had shied away from technology, to cast "75" as old and clueless about Facebook and cell phones is really beyond tedious. Computers were introduced into the workplace in the mid-80s. People who are 75 now have been using them in all kinds of professions - teaching, medicine, business, banking, etc. since their 30s and 40s. IPads, flat screen tvs, cable boxes, smart phones, email have been around for well over 10 years, so anyone 75 now was 60 - 65 then. So, time to drop that "Mom can't use Facebook" eye roll. Aside from that, and keeping in mind this is a specific story -- very nicely told.
25
Thank you for this. I'm seventy-five, a working writer and teacher and while I eschew Twitter, Instagram, etc. (for obvious reasons), I'm on the internet working and "relaxing" far too many hours a day. Ageism is the biggest "ism" in America. I've suggested to the New York Times op ed staff that they begin a series on aging - no response. http://www.newclearvision.com/2011/12/16/old-who-me/
20
He delivers mail - probably not much opportunity to sit in front of a pc, surfing the internet all day.
9
Great 2011 article, Mary Sojourner, very effective. Thank you.
I see this primarily as a Love Story about Facebook. Still charming, however, and I'll bet Mark Zuckerberg loved it.
11
Not to sound too cynical, but I hope the elderly man does not become the target of some future NSA investigation, especially with "dozens" of Muslim friends around the world.
7
Many of us have lots of Muslim friends all around the world!
21
I'm sorry, but I see this as a somewhat sad story. This woman went back to what is most likely a very restricted life as a woman in Saudi Arabia, an extremely conservative country in which relationships such as the one described here would not only be discouraged, they might even be punishable. In Saudi Arabia, no woman would be allowed to go to lunch with a strange man. I would say that the writer and her father remain incredibly naive about the kind of conservative Islam being practiced in Saudi Arabia, as well as the kind of life his friend Anah is going to have there. The differences go well beyond not eating pork or drinking wine. That's not the half of it.
It is not clear if this woman went back of her own free will or not, but if she did, it is not clear whether or not this facebook friendship is a small act of rebellion, or a more of a calculated PR act . To me, the abundance of Arab friends from around the globe raises alarm bells.
It is not clear if this woman went back of her own free will or not, but if she did, it is not clear whether or not this facebook friendship is a small act of rebellion, or a more of a calculated PR act . To me, the abundance of Arab friends from around the globe raises alarm bells.
9
It's a bittersweet story. Can't you keep the politics out of it just once?
18
As an American Jew with a number of Arabic and Muslim Facebook friends in the U.S. and North Africa, not to mention those he keeps up with in "real life," I'd like to reassure Debbie R. that such people are, in the main, very much like her and me. They have happy days and sad days, pay their bills, have problems and successes in the workplace, fall in and out of love, worry and rejoice about the same kinds of things people do in Brookline. Several send me greetings at Rosh Hashanah, and I enjoy wishing them a blessed Ramadan, just as I wish Merry Christmas around now to Christian friends. If there "alarm bells" to be sounded, it's that there is way, way too much cultural segregation in our supposedly interconnected world. Personally, I am rooting for an Act Two to the story of Anah and the Italian-American mail carrier.
33
Trobsdor, If she had stayed in the US, I would see things differently. But she is not from north Africa, she is from Saudi Arabia, whose attitude towards women is repressive and oppressive. If this article is all about bridging cultural divides through Facebook, then I would say that what strikes me is the failure here to understand what she is returning to.
4
This is beautiful - thank you and thanks to your dad for sharing.
29
Loved it! Vinny is a very pleasant father to have that can teach most of the people living in our generation a few lessons about humanity. A good and needed break from all the xenophobic fiasco as of late.
25
Humanity at highest level!!
Love it!!
We in the west ignore most of the time our elders due to work stress, family etc. and we ignore how lonely and isolated these folks are!!
I remember when I was a child and in Afghanistan, we used to have our grandparents in the same house with, it was a blessing! :(
Love it!!
We in the west ignore most of the time our elders due to work stress, family etc. and we ignore how lonely and isolated these folks are!!
I remember when I was a child and in Afghanistan, we used to have our grandparents in the same house with, it was a blessing! :(
31
Wonder if your grandparents child in law (esp. If it was their daughter in law -yr mother) felt the same way.
1
This reminds me a bit of the film "Begin Again." The relationship between the music producer played by Mark Ruffalo and the songwriter played by Keira Knightley is life-altering for both but defies easy description. It is not father-daughter, not mentor-student. Nor is it older man-younger woman lovers, but there is always the remote possibility for consummation that is never acted upon.
Contrary to what what some posters are implying, I don't imagine the writer's father's feelings for Anah are entirely platonic, but nor do I consider him a dirty old man. There are times in life when you can connect deeply with another person but for any number of reasons the love you feel cannot be consummated. That love need not be shameful or frustrating. An unconsummated love can be a joy, a treasure you hold dear for life, knowing a real connection has been made that has altered two lives in a positive way.
Contrary to what what some posters are implying, I don't imagine the writer's father's feelings for Anah are entirely platonic, but nor do I consider him a dirty old man. There are times in life when you can connect deeply with another person but for any number of reasons the love you feel cannot be consummated. That love need not be shameful or frustrating. An unconsummated love can be a joy, a treasure you hold dear for life, knowing a real connection has been made that has altered two lives in a positive way.
115
"An unconsummated love can be a joy, a treasure you hold dear for life, knowing a real connection has been made that has altered two lives in a positive way."
Beautifully put and felt very deeply. I have/had two very dear and loving friends, either of whom I could have chosen to spend the rest of my life with. One male; one female; both of whom I respect/respected and love/loved enough not to force a consummation. They both are/were a tremendous fountain of joy in my life. I am doubly blessed for knowing/having known them.
Beautifully put and felt very deeply. I have/had two very dear and loving friends, either of whom I could have chosen to spend the rest of my life with. One male; one female; both of whom I respect/respected and love/loved enough not to force a consummation. They both are/were a tremendous fountain of joy in my life. I am doubly blessed for knowing/having known them.
30
Well said.
6
I'm glad that Modern Love made space for a platonic love that underscores our shared humanity and vulnerability. What a sweet story.
100
Best wishes to your dad and Anah - I wish I had your dad delivering my mail...
21
A sweet story! Love knows no boundaries of culture, age and religion. This world is better off when humans show courage to love instead of giving into the temptation of bigotry and hate. Best wishes to Vinny and Anah! Your dad has shown some real courage!
33
Sweet story. As someone who just recently learned to use FB, my first instinct was to wish I could find Vinny and Anah there too!
12
This man stepped out of his comfort zone, as did Anah. This should happen more often. The world would be better for it.
118
Perhaps Donald Trump should accept the invitation of New Jersey Muslim-Americans to visit their neighborhood for a cup of coffee. It's always easier to talk paranoid nonsense about people you can't put a face and a name to.
66
Charming story, sweetly told. Your dad is lucky to have a new friend and new way to keep in touch with her. He is also lucky to have a daughter who sees his experience as you do, with compassion and encouragement. Happy holidays to you all.
105
Very sweet indeed. And I wonder how wonderful it must have been for Anah to gain a new old friend.
7
A lovely and touching story.... it confims to me again and again that there is always a cure for loneliness. Reaching out, finding connections. Thank you, Ms. Ayotte for sharing a beautiful moment of your dear father's life. May he continue to reach out.
43
I've been reading Modern Love for years now. This is one of the best stories ever! Kudos to your dad and Anah for finding friendship in each other outside the comfort zone of culture, language, religion, age, etc. They sound like true kindred spirits.
77
Not to mention the illustration by Brian Rea is one of the best I've seen in the NYT's in general. Not only charming, it drew my eye right to the story.
6
Loved this!!! This is how the world should be!! Embrace people for who they really are!
31
I love this story so much. Your Dad took a leap and you lovingly went along for the ride without comment or criticism. My favorite Modern Love this year. In the ordinary of our days - we find the extraordinary.
143
I must say there is a special charm to Saudi woman. They are so pretty and well mannered and warm hearted. No matter how educated or well off they are financially they are obedient to their husbands and care for them and the kids. The problem is Saudi government makes it hard for non Saudis non Arabs to marry them but many do
5
Won't feisty and independent be just as charming as obedient and apparently homebound?
25
For Jackie Kaplan, Saudi women are not home bound. They seek high education and are employed as many are teachers and doctors and lawyers etc. I lived there I know them well. I speak from reality.
7
Obedience to husbands is a good trait? What is this, 1880? Try importing one of those desperate Filipinas if that's what you're looking for.
14
Hope the FBI doesn't come knocking. Don't be PC about this, make sure your dad isn't being duped by this woman and her associates. If their relationship is genuine, great; if not, well.....
7
^fear-mongering at its finest.
44
it's called reality and no it's not because she wears a hijab!
3
cynicism and distrust. given the choice i would prefer to live in a world where i believe the best of people rather than on in which i am always attributing the worst motives....
the former is a lot happier place to be.
the former is a lot happier place to be.
26
Thank you Lori Ayotte for writing this heart-warming and intimate story of your father's entree into technology as a result of his good character. True friendship
can brook boundaries and obstacles.
can brook boundaries and obstacles.
17
I don't know why I found this so astoundingly heartwarming but I did!
Thank you for sharing this story.
Thank you for sharing this story.
59
I am not a fan of Facebook but really liked this story!
Also, the illustration is very nice.
Also, the illustration is very nice.
18
Mark Zuckerberg is so much richer than the rest of us it's uncanny. He has so much power. Multi-multi billions of dollars are his and only his. I'm glad Mark Zuckerberg has learned how to be a really nice guy and reorganize his billions for his idea of the good of the world. I am glad your dad has his pretty sweet long distance friend. But it doesn't add up somehow.
4
Absolutely stunning! The way Lori described this is more than lucid and yet carrying wits and humor in the fictional sense. Well, no doubt that this is what could be a modern love story sort of thing in this twenty-first century because it clearly shows the distinction between how people kept in touch with each other in the old days and how they are doing the same thing in this be in touch with the Facebook era. Of course, the Facebook made a part of our life easier than our ancestors in the past. But she also pointed it out that Facebook can make you bore by mentioning the father' react on the behavior of Facebook's automatic and generic friend and post suggestions. The ending reveals, at the same time, the great open secret about us that the people, we, have the unique ability to adapt with any situation if needed.
6
What a great story. Humanity can still trump age, race, and religion. Thank you for sharing.
20
This is the best Modern Love piece I've read. I love the humor and warmth with which Ms. Ayotte describes her father, her relationship with him, and his relationship with technology, and, of course, with Anah. What an unlikely and beautiful friendship. We can learn so much from Vinny. "I saw a man happily leaping across generational, cultural and technological chasms, all simultaneously." What a beautiful line!
63
To Lori and her dad Vinny a huge Salaam (Peace) for this story. What a pleasant interlude and change from the usual xenophobe/Islamophobes of late.
May Vinny meet others to discover their sameness with him rather than the differences others would have him find.
One day he might want to mention to 'Anah' that they have another thing in common: five prayers a day :)
Choukran (Thanks!) for sharing this merry bauble with us during this season of peace and forgiveness and love for our fellows.
PS Vinny may want to wish his friend Mouloud Annabi on Christmas Eve .. as this year the celebration of the Birthday of Islam's Prophet, Mohammed coincides with the eve of the celebration of Christianity's Jesus'/Issa's birth.
Happy Fete to all and to all a Good Night!
May Vinny meet others to discover their sameness with him rather than the differences others would have him find.
One day he might want to mention to 'Anah' that they have another thing in common: five prayers a day :)
Choukran (Thanks!) for sharing this merry bauble with us during this season of peace and forgiveness and love for our fellows.
PS Vinny may want to wish his friend Mouloud Annabi on Christmas Eve .. as this year the celebration of the Birthday of Islam's Prophet, Mohammed coincides with the eve of the celebration of Christianity's Jesus'/Issa's birth.
Happy Fete to all and to all a Good Night!
78
rachida, what a very interesting post! thank you.
...and Happy Fete to you as well
...and Happy Fete to you as well
9
A beautiful story.
11
This is wonderful!
It's great for your dad who tried so earnestly to embrace change - and succeeded, it seems. It's also great for her, your dad's friend, who I'm (presumptuously, I admit) assuming it wasn't easy for to befriend a male figure of a different culture.
I don't use Facebook, but it's stories like this when I don't mind admitting that it definitely has social utility.
It's great for your dad who tried so earnestly to embrace change - and succeeded, it seems. It's also great for her, your dad's friend, who I'm (presumptuously, I admit) assuming it wasn't easy for to befriend a male figure of a different culture.
I don't use Facebook, but it's stories like this when I don't mind admitting that it definitely has social utility.
24
Dear Ms. Ayotte—This is a lovely essay! Thank you so much for writing it. (A favorite line—although I have many and it was hard to pick just one: "He then consented to friend me.") I agree with T that it is most timely. Congratulations to you, your father and Anah. I hope their friendship continues to grow across the miles. I also hope to read more of your writing; your students are lucky to have you as their teacher!
27
What a beautiful story to remind us that genuine love and care neither know boundaries, nor are constrained to a societal norm. I hope they're able to keep in touch.
20
This was sweet, inspirational and very timely! I hope they remain friends.
19
Truly a leap of faith. Good luck Roy! Please keep us posted of your adventures in faraway lands.
5
Lovely - thank you for sharing.
13
I enjoyed this story on so many levels. Both Anah and your father reaching across to someone from a different culture and a different generation. Your father getting more comfortable with technology and expanding his world through social media. Just lovely.
41
Yes, this is about her as much as him. Reaching across time and cultural preconceptions. Beautifully told.
12
who knows who captures our fancy? who knows who stirs our soul?
a gorgeous portrait of love's "austere and lonely offices". as moving as anything i've ever read. thank you, ms. ayotte.
a gorgeous portrait of love's "austere and lonely offices". as moving as anything i've ever read. thank you, ms. ayotte.
49
This was great. And timely. Thanks!
74
Really great article; thanks for sharing. Made me wonder how my dad (who died before the advent of Facebook) would feel we're he still alive. Furthermore, it's so nice to read an article that celebrates cross-cultural harmony and basic humanity we all (ought to) share. What a refreshing change from what constitutes 'news' these days! THANK YOU!
17
This was a great story that reminds me of my Retired Turkish Military friend who passed recently. Facebook was instrumental in our friendship as well. Thank you for showing the beauty of connections with people outside our traditional comfort zones.
13
This made me smile Lori!!
2
Am 73 and am on FB connecting with many friends all over the world. Over time he will know how to navigate FB by himself just like me. Age is never a barrier to learn technology.