"Perhaps it’s the long association of physical ugliness with immorality that we need to unpack."
Oh dear. Yet amother word that must be banished or redefined because someone, somewhere, for some reason, is offended.
Oh dear. Yet amother word that must be banished or redefined because someone, somewhere, for some reason, is offended.
4
That last paragraph is shockingly obtuse, given the subject matter of the article. As if you could wrap up this subject with a superficial anecdote about your kid's dolls!
47
I remember two girls from middle school - they were very homely, homely to the point that I realized that they were plain. Their parents, on the other hand, were stunningly attractive - Barbie & Ken in the flesh. It was very strange. Now, after reading this article, I wonder if the parents had had plastic surgery to bump up their old looks. This also reminds me about the story (probably an urban legend) about a mother who pressured her daughter to have a nose job since her daughter's nose reminded her of her own original nose. What a tangled web we weave!
13
There is a children's book called "Wonder" about a boy born with a facial deformity, and how, as a 10 year old entering middle school, he deals with it among his peers. It is about learning empathy, and very moving .
34
1 Honesty
2 Diplomacy
3 Everyone has good features.
2 Diplomacy
3 Everyone has good features.
21
The truth can be communicated with sensitivity, empathy and kindness ... and can be juxtaposed with aspects of the child which are exceptional.
9
A note to the NYT: You guys are driving me nuts! I read the Sunday Review yesterday, and once again I found that it reads more and more like the sappy books in the "Self-Help" section of whatever bookstores may be left. Now this! Ms. Baird's column is another piece that need not have been written, let alone printed by the NYT. Does she have any idea of what she is talking about? Do you guys have any idea of what she is talking about? Were all of you off looking at yourselves in the mirror when her opinion piece slipped past the editors? Please engage Don Rickles to write a response. Thanks.
70
Makes me miss Hawaii where neither the words, definitions or concepts of "fat" or "ugly" even exist in their language and culture.
How about that?
How about that?
73
I disagree. Yeah looks count, but you don't have to tell your kid that they are ugly. You don't even have to be fair. Most kids today can't handle any criticism at all, so all you are doing by discouraging them is starting a suicide watch.
14
There have been quite a number of studies - many of them featured in the Times - that show that yes, indeed, looks do matter. Attractive children get higher grades throughout school. More attractive students get into better colleges, and better graduate schools. Remember the movie "Legally Blonde" about a cheerleader who gains admission to Harvard Law School by submitting a video of herself in a bikini? Both funny and diabolically accurate. And employers of course invariably choose the most attractive candidates, whether it's to work behind the counter at a fast food store or to represent clients in court - and for that matter, attractive lawyers are more highly rated by juries. Mothers can reassure their children all they like, but yes, attractiveness will determine careers as much as romantic relationships.
25
I was always told I was ugly, and I was heartbroken to learn
the German word hasslich (the a has an umlaut) meant ugly;
when it clearly means hateful.
the German word hasslich (the a has an umlaut) meant ugly;
when it clearly means hateful.
25
Although he may not be the man
Some girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key
Some girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key
35
So many people here read about a man who was born with deformities and then write about being fat. First, it is odd to automatically merge "fat" and "ugly." Second, fat for the vast majority of us is a voluntary condition -- we may not like it, but we like it less than donuts. Mr. Hoge had an enormous tumor on his face and a deformed leg; his parents did not want to bring him home -- it is amazingly self-centered to compare than to being unable to control one's weight.
36
I tell my son he is handsome. I also tell my son that all mothers find their sons handsome. I tell my son not to ever just look for a beautiful wife. I also tell my son to stay away from girls who spend too much time worrying about their looks. I tell my son to look clean and proper when going to school. I also tell my son that grooming is important and looking shabby will not help him in life. But we don't spend a lot of time on gelling hair or painting nails or shopping in the mall, and hopefully when he grows up he learn which things are only skin deep.
22
"Beauty is only skin deep" Not true. Women spend an inordinate amount of time, money and effort to rearrange their natural appearance through cosmetics, hair pieces and dyes, breast implants, buttock enlargements, tattoos, stiletto heels, and an unending change of costume and jewelry. So, a good amount of it now goes beneath the skin. Half the population jumps through hoops, to entice the other half into either bed, commitment, or both. This dance is so embedded in the culture, that the woman who ignores it is subject to ridicule - - by both men and women.
32
If you want to be happy for the rest of your life then find someone who has both the inner beauty that will keep your relationship joyful and fulfilling.
Find someone to marry or shack-up with who will rub your tummy when it's upset and make you chicken soup when you're sick. Choose a person who encourages you to be the best you can and allows you to be an individual. The choice is yours
Find someone to marry or shack-up with who will rub your tummy when it's upset and make you chicken soup when you're sick. Choose a person who encourages you to be the best you can and allows you to be an individual. The choice is yours
31
Everyone knows that the beautiful get paid well, get away with much, and do little to justify it.
Life is unfair.
Life is unfair.
23
Physical beauty is an asset, but it is a common asset. Just being beautiful will not get you very far in life. Intelligence, discipline, and skill counts for more. And when you get older, the looks fade. So don't tell your sons and daughters that their main advantage is that they are good looking. Encourage them to learn, to do well at school, to enjoy and pursue hobbies outside of school, and to have good character and treat other people well.
50
What I love about English TV shows is, unlike here in America, all the characters are not beautiful
51
but how would the author's suggestion play out in the real world? daughter comes home and says that her classmates called her ugly. as a mom, do you think i would ever validate that, even if it were true?
better would to be to instill in child an understanding that beauty is only skin deep and that one's inner beauty is the most important.
better still would be to avoid fetishizing our children so that they are perfect and attractive in every way, or otherwise to always be measuring them against arbitrary standards that have been developed by a nation that is so star-struck over celebrities who douse themselves in makeup and get things like butt implants.
better would to be to instill in child an understanding that beauty is only skin deep and that one's inner beauty is the most important.
better still would be to avoid fetishizing our children so that they are perfect and attractive in every way, or otherwise to always be measuring them against arbitrary standards that have been developed by a nation that is so star-struck over celebrities who douse themselves in makeup and get things like butt implants.
16
And even if you've only got a midrange set of physical features, wear them with confidence.
14
I honestly can't think of many peole I have met who I would consider "ugly" in some predeterminate way. I would say most people are just...ordinary looking. Neither ugly nor beautiful...youth can make them more attractive for a time but for the most part they are just people. I know some outliers in the beautiful direction but honestly can think of nobody I know who look so terrible that they are ugly.
And of course one loves one's children and love is a great beautifier. I am sorry to think that there are people with serious facial deformities that suffer, but with that exception I find it hard to imagine a truly "ugly" child. Most children are pretty cute. THEY may have an awareness of where they fall on some "beauty" scale relative to their peers, but as an adult it's hard for me to imagine judging a child or even an adolescent ugly...they tend to grow into largish noses and other extreme features, to fill out or slim down as they grow and otherwise develop into more standard issue looks....many of them I would consider just not fully formed.
So certainly this idea that their parents, who see them with eyes of love (I hope) are "lying" to them about their looks...I believe most parents DO find their children beautiful.
And of course one loves one's children and love is a great beautifier. I am sorry to think that there are people with serious facial deformities that suffer, but with that exception I find it hard to imagine a truly "ugly" child. Most children are pretty cute. THEY may have an awareness of where they fall on some "beauty" scale relative to their peers, but as an adult it's hard for me to imagine judging a child or even an adolescent ugly...they tend to grow into largish noses and other extreme features, to fill out or slim down as they grow and otherwise develop into more standard issue looks....many of them I would consider just not fully formed.
So certainly this idea that their parents, who see them with eyes of love (I hope) are "lying" to them about their looks...I believe most parents DO find their children beautiful.
32
Janis Ian's 1975 hit "At Seventeen" said it very well--love and the approval of others tend to go to the good-looking. As a tall, overweight, and plain-looking girl with a nerdy personality, it wasn't until well into adulthood that I was able to find a social system in which my intelligence, caring, and sense of humor were appreciated.
Hang in, kids. It CAN get better when you grow up. And Carly Fiorina owes Donald Trump a kick in the pants for his remarks about her.
Hang in, kids. It CAN get better when you grow up. And Carly Fiorina owes Donald Trump a kick in the pants for his remarks about her.
41
When did vanity fad from sin? When did this culture accept envy as normal, necessary? It has been so very damaging to so many people, of so many ages.
No wonder some of the religious - I am thinking of the Amish, for example - do not allow for much time to be spent peering into the mirror, on make up or dieting . . . vanity is damning, takes us away from our purpose and feeds a billion dollar, greedy industry that would never tell anyone, "you are pretty enough."
No wonder some of the religious - I am thinking of the Amish, for example - do not allow for much time to be spent peering into the mirror, on make up or dieting . . . vanity is damning, takes us away from our purpose and feeds a billion dollar, greedy industry that would never tell anyone, "you are pretty enough."
29
Based on the description provided, Mr. Hoge is not a good example of the point the author is trying - and failing in my view - to make. Most parents would agree that the only real example of "unconditional love" is that which a parent has for a child. The child has done nothing to merit the parents' love, other than exist. It is that mere existence that causes the parent to feel that love.
Mr. Hoge's parents' reaction runs counter to that, and in a sense is "unnatural" - it had nothing to do with his appearance. I, of course, don't know them, and cannot judge them specifically. But, I have been around long enough to see how different parents respond to their children. The deficiency is always on the parental side where very young children are involved.
Perhaps, a better pursuit for the author would have been to explore the more recent tendency of some parents to treat their children as if they are the most beautiful, most gifted epitomes of perfection - when in fact they are not.
That lie is far worse than being less than honest with a child who is less than perfect - in looks or otherwise.
Mr. Hoge's parents' reaction runs counter to that, and in a sense is "unnatural" - it had nothing to do with his appearance. I, of course, don't know them, and cannot judge them specifically. But, I have been around long enough to see how different parents respond to their children. The deficiency is always on the parental side where very young children are involved.
Perhaps, a better pursuit for the author would have been to explore the more recent tendency of some parents to treat their children as if they are the most beautiful, most gifted epitomes of perfection - when in fact they are not.
That lie is far worse than being less than honest with a child who is less than perfect - in looks or otherwise.
13
Looks matter, but character counts for more. In addition we can change our looks. We can avoid becoming obese. We can exercise, eat healthy, etc. We can also use products that enhance our appearance and even get medical procedures to improve our looks. I, for example, had an injection at age 74 to remove the wrinkles in my face--at the same time I did not have more invasive surgery that was recommended. We can also have nice white teeth. At the same time I do think there is too much emphasis on appearance. Currently I am living in Las Vegas and go to a fitness center where I see women who obviously have had breast enhancement procedures. I agree with the author that physical appearance should not be associated with character. What you are and how you look are two different things. My point is in many cases you can improve how you look. We no longer have to settle for our appearance.
6
I totally agree with John Martin. For example, always looking well-groomed and well-dressed is a great way to communicate with the world that you are a careful, disciplined person with attention to detail. That you care about yourself and will most likely care about others. Eating healthy food, keeping fit and trim takes effort and shows the world you are willing to go the extra mile. I would say that it's a value judgement to say wrinkle surgery is OK but breast enhancement is not. While breast enhancement can have a positive effect on your attractiveness, to me it says more about your willingness to risk your health. While overall physical attractiveness gives one a leg up on your fellows, adopting a positive mental attitude and living all aspects of life with enthusiasm, coupled with going the extra mile will attract more fans than just about anything else (see Napoleon Hill's Principles of Success.)
1
Not everyone can afford to do those things.
You've missed the point entirely.
You've missed the point entirely.
21
I know plenty of beautiful people who are physically ugly. They radiate kindness, intelligence, and decency, and the beauty that shines from within them overwhelms their outwardly imperfect appearance.
59
Interesting essay. Too bad it left out how girls and women bear a disproportionate burden when it comes to "lookism".
80
Chester: Have faith in recent trends. When women on average earn more than men, they will have their pick of mates and "lookism" will be reversed. Or even more likely, will decide we're not worth the bother.
5
My problem is with the kids who deliberately set-out to make themseves look ugly and succeed. The nose rings, the tongue piercings, the grotesque and disfiguring tattoos. Plain kids and ugly kids I can deal with. I am not that great looking myself. Though I used to be.
24
Great topic and insightful. I just finished 'Ugliness: A Cultural History' by Gretchen Henderson from U Chicago Press that spoke at great length about the topic of ugliness and the loaded definitions. http://www.press.uchicago.edu/ucp/books/book/distributed/U/bo22283698.html
10
Charisma and sex appeal can be effective ugliness antidotes. Unfortunately they are in relatively short supply.
6
Physical attractiveness means different things to different individuals, in different countries and cultures. There is a difference between 'disfigured' and 'ugly'. Something or someone can be, at once, disfigured and ugly, but not necessarily.
The difficulty arises when adults teach children that someone is 'ugly' based solely on criteria such as race, ethnicity, mental or physical disability. There is a difference between recognizing that physical appearance does matter in our world, and, teaching children how to describe their own, or another's physical appearance.
Is a person who lost her leg while serving in the US military now 'ugly', and do we tell that to our children, and allow them to call that person 'ugly'? What about a Klan member who tells his son that Halle Berry is 'ugly' because all blacks are ugly?
Perhaps it's easy for males to talk about being open and frank about what is ugly. They are not subjected to the impossible double standards that females are. Have you ever seen sloppily dressed men out in public? They think they look 'alright'. But if a woman should dare to be seen in public without make up or her hair coiffed 'just so', she's 'a mess' or, yes, 'ugly'.
What's 'ugly' to me is mean spirited, nasty behavior and words. There are many people who are considered physically attractive, who by their words and deeds, are truly just plain ugly.
The difficulty arises when adults teach children that someone is 'ugly' based solely on criteria such as race, ethnicity, mental or physical disability. There is a difference between recognizing that physical appearance does matter in our world, and, teaching children how to describe their own, or another's physical appearance.
Is a person who lost her leg while serving in the US military now 'ugly', and do we tell that to our children, and allow them to call that person 'ugly'? What about a Klan member who tells his son that Halle Berry is 'ugly' because all blacks are ugly?
Perhaps it's easy for males to talk about being open and frank about what is ugly. They are not subjected to the impossible double standards that females are. Have you ever seen sloppily dressed men out in public? They think they look 'alright'. But if a woman should dare to be seen in public without make up or her hair coiffed 'just so', she's 'a mess' or, yes, 'ugly'.
What's 'ugly' to me is mean spirited, nasty behavior and words. There are many people who are considered physically attractive, who by their words and deeds, are truly just plain ugly.
25
I think along with telling kids that looks don't matter I think another fallacious old saw is "that you can grow up to be anything you want to be and do anything you want to do if you just work at it!"
We are all born with our individual strengths and weaknesses and although some can be modified by hard work, many will never be. I know that no matter how hard I work at it I will never be able to write music like Mozart, paint like Van Gogh, or hit home runs like Hank Aaron. The genes for genius in those disciplines I just didn't get.
I am not suggesting discouraging young people from trying, but its fool hardy to tell your kid, who you have found out is tone deaf, or who can hardly draw stick figures, or who strikes out all the time in Little League, that he/she will be a superstar if he/she just keeps working at it.
Perhaps its better to "eventually" bring the child into the real world, and try and discover his/her strengths and maybe encourage hard work there!
We are all born with our individual strengths and weaknesses and although some can be modified by hard work, many will never be. I know that no matter how hard I work at it I will never be able to write music like Mozart, paint like Van Gogh, or hit home runs like Hank Aaron. The genes for genius in those disciplines I just didn't get.
I am not suggesting discouraging young people from trying, but its fool hardy to tell your kid, who you have found out is tone deaf, or who can hardly draw stick figures, or who strikes out all the time in Little League, that he/she will be a superstar if he/she just keeps working at it.
Perhaps its better to "eventually" bring the child into the real world, and try and discover his/her strengths and maybe encourage hard work there!
38
You can grow up to be anything you want if you develop a burning desire, have faith in yourself, and then persistently work at it. If you just work hard at something but lack the other two elements, you are sure to be disappointed. A grave digger works hard. I would say that someone could write music like Mozart if they have all three elements working in harmony. Our jobs as parents is to help our children develop faith in themselves, and that starts with us believing in ourselves and then in our children. Then we help them develop a burning desire, obtain the specialized knowledge required, and then help them learn how to apply that knowledge in pursuit of their goal. Napoleon Hill's 1938 book "Think and Grow Rich" explains how it's done.
2
Yahoo!!
I've never been good looking, and the most liberating thing that ever happened to me was the day I decided I wasn't going to worry about it. Nobody can say anything derogatory to me about my looks that won't be responded to with a laugh. And you know what? I've always had the best friends and have never lacked for amorous partners or ones with whom to develop a relationship.
So fly the ugly flag with pride! Remember that Socrates, Abraham Lincoln and J. P. Morgan were all considered, during their lifetimes, as among the ugliest people on earth. Who remembers who the handsomest guy was in 1860's America?
I've never been good looking, and the most liberating thing that ever happened to me was the day I decided I wasn't going to worry about it. Nobody can say anything derogatory to me about my looks that won't be responded to with a laugh. And you know what? I've always had the best friends and have never lacked for amorous partners or ones with whom to develop a relationship.
So fly the ugly flag with pride! Remember that Socrates, Abraham Lincoln and J. P. Morgan were all considered, during their lifetimes, as among the ugliest people on earth. Who remembers who the handsomest guy was in 1860's America?
57
Beauty depends on the person looking. Thus making yourself beautiful, means making yourself approvable by others.
I was engaged to a model from Norway many years back, but the lady I saw at home, and the lady in print advertisement were not even closely similar. She would spend hours in front of a mirror applying chemicals to her pretty face, to be more acceptable. I never felt right about it and she told me I would not understand. I liked her much better au naturel.
Maybe it would be better to allow people to look as they do, at least you get to see the real person and not qhom they are pretending to be.
I was engaged to a model from Norway many years back, but the lady I saw at home, and the lady in print advertisement were not even closely similar. She would spend hours in front of a mirror applying chemicals to her pretty face, to be more acceptable. I never felt right about it and she told me I would not understand. I liked her much better au naturel.
Maybe it would be better to allow people to look as they do, at least you get to see the real person and not qhom they are pretending to be.
4
The writer has drawn attention to an important fact of life where millions of ugly people daily face hidden discrimination from society in public transport, interviews, at work place, pay scales etc. In my view time has come when a reservation in jobs of say 1% is awarded to such persons so that they may pass decent life. It is noticed that such persons are generally polite, helpful and committed to work assigned , if they get an opportunity. Anand Mohan,Delhi, India
10
A sane article on a difficult subject. It should be noted that whilst this problem is exacerbated in a media-saturated culture, it was not invented by that culture, and the perception of beauty or the lack thereof has been with us throughout human history. Left out of this article, however, is the point that it is particularly painful for women who fail to meet even minimal standards of attractiveness, as women remain particularly vulnerable to valuation based on the package they come wrapped in. It takes a valiant soul indeed to come to terms with life's unfairness in this as in many other respects. Mother Nature and human society generally are not equal opportunity entities. Being valued at home is the real crux to being able to do so.
My hat is off to the author for this forthright column and I am so glad his siblings laid the foundation for his being valued at home, which surely gave him the foundation for what sounds like a life lived with esteem.
My hat is off to the author for this forthright column and I am so glad his siblings laid the foundation for his being valued at home, which surely gave him the foundation for what sounds like a life lived with esteem.
23
In the history of the world, there has never been a parent whose ulterior motives could not be detected by his or her child. So sure, if you really want to make your kids obsess about their looks, by all means talk to them about how looks don't matter. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut. Kids aren't stupid, and having your parents treat you like you are just makes things worse.
19
My parents were both attractive people, while I was at the very best on about the 10th or so percentile. They were never critical, but we all knew what the situation was. As a rural Midwesterner, I recognized early the necessity of making the best of it, and did so. I was fortunate to be a good student, which had little valence in childhood, but later allowed me access to people who were not as pervasively "lookist." I made the best of what I had, and mostly it worked out OK. From my experience, the best thing for parents to do is to raise their children in as accenting and non-sexist environment as possible, and avoid addressing these things directly (another Midwestern trait).
"Lookism" never goes away, however. I have attained some distinction in my profession but I know that when I enter a room of strangers, they will consider my appearance before they think about my CV. Oh well.
God is ironic, and so I have a son who is very attractive, and who was admitted to the circle of "cool kids" from day one. Fortunately for the world and himself, he is a very kind person, and has always respected and befriended everyone.
Finally I am reaching an age at which most people have lost most of what physical attractiveness they had. There is a sort of leveling that has occurred within my cohort. Mostly. We make the best of it.
"Lookism" never goes away, however. I have attained some distinction in my profession but I know that when I enter a room of strangers, they will consider my appearance before they think about my CV. Oh well.
God is ironic, and so I have a son who is very attractive, and who was admitted to the circle of "cool kids" from day one. Fortunately for the world and himself, he is a very kind person, and has always respected and befriended everyone.
Finally I am reaching an age at which most people have lost most of what physical attractiveness they had. There is a sort of leveling that has occurred within my cohort. Mostly. We make the best of it.
259
I was a pudgy shy little girl. There was a time, perhaps in second grade when I was tormented by a classmate who was very thin, This went on for weeks as I told my mother about it after school. I was young enough that she walked me to and from school so she knew many of the children in my class. I pointed out the girl who had been bullying me (not even called that at the time). She told me to tell her two things: that she had arms and legs like toothpicks and that I could lose weight but she would always be unkind and stupid unless she learned not to be. Not politically correct by today's standards. The next time she started in on me I told her those two things. Her mother called our house that afternoon outraged that her daughter came home crying. My mother told her that I had been crying and upset for weeks about her daughter's treatment of me and perhaps she should teach her to be as sensitive for others' feelings as her own. The bullying stopped and I remembered that lesson, to be as sensitive to others' feelings as my own.
221
I think the best way to approach this topic with a kid (one who may be considered 'unattractive') is to talk in very matter-of-fact terms...as if you are having a simple conversation. Say the kid comments to you one day that 'I'm ugly' or '....everyone thinks I'm ugly'. So you sit them down and start some dialogue...'why do you think that?' or 'why do you think they say that?' Then ask them who they think is attractive vs ugly...ask them to be specific about what characteristics they are focusing on. Then (assuming this topic has come up before and you are therefore prepared), have a book or website ready to go through with them, that shows 'untraditionally' beautiful people. Also explain to them that the beauty, etc. industries perpetuate very strict, one-dimensional images of beauty to sell products, and that people buy into this warped ideal. Etc...
That could work for kids who just think they are 'ugly'...for petty reasons. If however a person is indeed disfigured, etc., ....well...that's an entirely different conversation. You can't really get around something like that.
That could work for kids who just think they are 'ugly'...for petty reasons. If however a person is indeed disfigured, etc., ....well...that's an entirely different conversation. You can't really get around something like that.
6
"a world of facial inequality"
Darwin called it variation among a species. And the upside was adaptation, not a "survival of the fittest."
We define ideals and defects. We can adapt to variation. Always have.
Why did the author or editor feel a necessity for the portrait photograph accompanying the article? Custom? Tradition? Reassurance?
Darwin called it variation among a species. And the upside was adaptation, not a "survival of the fittest."
We define ideals and defects. We can adapt to variation. Always have.
Why did the author or editor feel a necessity for the portrait photograph accompanying the article? Custom? Tradition? Reassurance?
6
Interesting article. In high school I knew a girl who was, if you coldly appraised her facial features, ugly. Yet, she always had the cutest, coolest boyfriends... because she was incredibly self-confident and had style and wit. Maybe the problem is that when people believe they will fail because they're ugly, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
20
Ugliness is real and heritable. In the extreme, ugliness is strongly correlated with genetic and epigenetic variations which lead to severe illness. Soon, science will be able to tell some people that their ugliness reflects genes that will create uglier and sicker children, the same way we know that much older parents accumulate toxins and contribute epigenetically damaged gametes. Ignoring the heritability of uncommon ugliness and the accompanying severe genetic/epigenetic unfitness is wantonly irresponsible, like a chronic alcoholic getting pregnant. Anybody okay with that?
1
it is not an innate feature of humans that makes them ugly or not, we are (mostly) all beautiful as we were born, and with the proper stimulation, nurturing, encouragement and opportunities people basically all look good. It is the debilitating effects of poor upbringing, lack of appropriate guidance, fear, punishment and negative messages in and outside the home that cripples people, makes them "ugly". They are twisted, fat, harried, constantly fearful and defensive. And these are hard things to reverse in later age, though amelioration is certainly possible. We need a right mixture of education, social institutions, economic support for all, and values restructuring that can make a huge difference in attractiveness and subjective well being.
5
I am 65.
My mother told me I was ugly and stupid.
I know I am neither, but will always feel it nonetheless.
Children need to feel that they are alright.
I never was and never will be alright, but I get along.
My mother told me I was ugly and stupid.
I know I am neither, but will always feel it nonetheless.
Children need to feel that they are alright.
I never was and never will be alright, but I get along.
71
The current advice is that parents should praise their children for the effort they put into their schoolwork and not for having gotten a good grade. The same should be true of looks. An older child (or teen) who works to create his/her own style, works to be in shape, or works to do well in sports should be commended for that, but very little children should not be praised for being "such a pretty little girl" or "such a cute little boy." A child doesn't learn a positive life lesson from that kind of compliment.
14
'Looks don't matter'? Just try telling that to (hopefully) college-bound U.S. high schoolers who, in addition to following the hoary tradition of high-pressure test coaching sessions, have been engaging the services of everything from cosmetic surgeons to personal trainers - never mind that these are NOT the ones seeking athletic 'scholarships', but intending to major in traditional fields - STEM, pre-med, pre-law, whatever. (The way college sports are really run, is 'scholarship' even the right word these days? But I digress.)
Then again, what else would you expect, in an age of - let's face it - corporate media-imposed extreme shallowness? Anything to sell products and services, even though more often than not, in the long run, just how much they're really needed - from the point of view of whether society really benefits from all this - is probably best described by that fine old Yiddish expression, 'Vus helfen vi'af toten bankes' - 'It helps like putting fever cups on the dead.'
Then again, what else would you expect, in an age of - let's face it - corporate media-imposed extreme shallowness? Anything to sell products and services, even though more often than not, in the long run, just how much they're really needed - from the point of view of whether society really benefits from all this - is probably best described by that fine old Yiddish expression, 'Vus helfen vi'af toten bankes' - 'It helps like putting fever cups on the dead.'
3
And another thing about physical beauty: it can be a motivation trap, especially for girls. Average-looking people tend to assume that they’ll have to work to stand out and earn the good stuff – money, success, respect, affection. Below-average-looking people know that they’ll have to work extra hard. Over time, that motivational difference tends to dampen, and often even reverse, the apparent advantages physical attractiveness brings. By contrast, a lovely girl who attracts attention and encouragement without effort starts with a significant disadvantage in the motivation and character development departments. Things tend to even out.
21
Would Brad Pitt or Cary Grant have been as successful had they looked like, say, Walter Matthau or Jackie Gleason. Probably.
Today it's not just a pretty face...a man needs a body like Hercules and a woman a body like Sophia Loren. (I know I'm dating myself with most of these actors)
Or so we're told.
What a person needs is a great smile and a positive attitude towards others everything else will just follow.
Love Love Love
All You Need Is Love
After all, Ringo is now the cutest Beatle.
Keith Richards is an icon.
Today it's not just a pretty face...a man needs a body like Hercules and a woman a body like Sophia Loren. (I know I'm dating myself with most of these actors)
Or so we're told.
What a person needs is a great smile and a positive attitude towards others everything else will just follow.
Love Love Love
All You Need Is Love
After all, Ringo is now the cutest Beatle.
Keith Richards is an icon.
17
excellent piece . . but, at least in my archaic understanding of English, you were probably reluctant rather than reticent about giving your daughter the Eleanor dow.
7
Um, no, I will not be shallow for the sake of some majority's idea of "honesty." There are many beautiful people in their asymmetry, beautiful people who do look more aesthetically attractive to me when I discover their unique nature.
Beauty is not a right or wrong test question, maybe right this concept in your mind first before passing on judgement to anyone, let alone your child.
Beauty is not a right or wrong test question, maybe right this concept in your mind first before passing on judgement to anyone, let alone your child.
6
I honestly don't know how to feel about this piece. It sounds nice in theory because being honest in general sounds nice in theory, but I don't necessarily think parents need to address a child's attractiveness. I don't know how a conversation like that could be navigated delicately. Forget discussions of beauty and focus on conversations of worth. Baird hints at that very idea in this article by saying we need to let children know looks matter but they aren't everything, but I don't think parents even need to address looks to their children because hearing the reality that one is not attractive from a parent would be scarring and devastating (no matter how gently it was put). Perhaps in subtler ways this issue can be addressed, like with the toys/books a parent provides his/her child. But ultimately the lesson that needs to be taught to a child is to believe in their own self-worth so that they can live the fullest life they can. Where are the strategies for that? If the world is going to tell a child he/she is "ugly," then parents need to build that child up before they become broken.
10
Ugly is as ugly does.
7
Responding to a charge that he was two-faced Lincoln asked, 'If I had two faces, why would I choose this one?'
31
This may be incredibly superficial of me but take a look at the author's photo! Surely she speaks not from personal experience. And judging from the flood of magazines lining the shelves of every rack Western society is not only focused on beauty it is obsessed with it. I have yet to see a magazine cover with what one might consider to be a homely individual and headlines reading something other than the attributes of that person's face and body. Until we stop glorifying in so many ways physical beauty children will grow up feeling entitled because they are pretty.
12
Some of the most physically beautiful people I've ever known publicly argued that "beauty" is "socially constructed" and/or "socially interpreted," as if these constructions and interpretations aren't rooted in biology. Of course, beautiful people often benefit socially and personally from their beauty, but only up to a point. It goes without saying that however it's defined, physical beauty by itself is neither an achievement nor a fault, but over time, in some circumstances, it could become a liability and a burden.
Paris and Helen meet cute at a party....
The same argument applies to "ugliness," but with this kicker. So-called "ugly" or average looking people might face social impediments because of their physical appearance, but only up to a point. Over time these social liabilities can be transformed into a compelling array of personal qualities, perhaps even into noteworthy achievements. Then again, as with beauty, things can always go terribly wrong.
Two guys, Alcibiades and Socrates, walk into a symposium....
Paris and Helen meet cute at a party....
The same argument applies to "ugliness," but with this kicker. So-called "ugly" or average looking people might face social impediments because of their physical appearance, but only up to a point. Over time these social liabilities can be transformed into a compelling array of personal qualities, perhaps even into noteworthy achievements. Then again, as with beauty, things can always go terribly wrong.
Two guys, Alcibiades and Socrates, walk into a symposium....
4
I was one of those ugly children, and knew I was ugly, despite my mother telling me I was beautiful. I knew she was lying just to make me feel better. I then considered my mother a liar and never believed anything she told me after that.
I hated getting my picture taken and would tear them up unless prevented from doing so. One day, I was looking at a photo and realized that I didn't look too bad that day. I wondered why. I realized that day I had been happy. I realized that I looked much better when I smiled and it was a real smile, not a fake smile. After that, I started to notice people who looked happy despite being unattractive and how that made a big difference in perception of their attractiveness.
That helped me change my life. Ever since then, I accept that if I am in a bad mood, my ugliness will be more noticeable. But if I am in a good mood, my inner beauty can shine through. I was a lot more popular after that. To such an extent that I eventually realized popularity also has a down side...
I hated getting my picture taken and would tear them up unless prevented from doing so. One day, I was looking at a photo and realized that I didn't look too bad that day. I wondered why. I realized that day I had been happy. I realized that I looked much better when I smiled and it was a real smile, not a fake smile. After that, I started to notice people who looked happy despite being unattractive and how that made a big difference in perception of their attractiveness.
That helped me change my life. Ever since then, I accept that if I am in a bad mood, my ugliness will be more noticeable. But if I am in a good mood, my inner beauty can shine through. I was a lot more popular after that. To such an extent that I eventually realized popularity also has a down side...
24
Speaking as a father here, and of course not knowing your particular situation, is it not possible your mother thought you were beautiful, though she may have been aware that others were of a different opinion? I think both my children are the two most beautiful people in the world, inside and out, but others may not agree (and they are obviously wrong).
Also, as a note, how come I am the first person using the word "father" in this comment section, while the word "mother" has been used 8 times or more so far?
Also, as a note, how come I am the first person using the word "father" in this comment section, while the word "mother" has been used 8 times or more so far?
8
While the semantic "it doesn't matter" instead of " looks are only one part of a person and you will find they do not matter so much when you get to know people" is technically correct most kids just ask why and get told the second version I wrote. The part that seems left out in both cases is making sure the child knows they are Human.
Being human brings with it the responsibility to face ones feelings and reactions to the world and the people in it and to control them even alter them if they do not comport with what is correct. Ones humanity is meant to be used to teach ones self to be good honest and fair which when a critical mass of people are taught this way and then live this way makes the whole of society better. Look at how our nation has fallen since fairness left the conversation on matters of politics and government. We couldn't have the economic regulatory climate we do today if a majority of the Pols involved were using fairness as a standard for their actions many of which were intentionally unfair.
Before you tell me you can't help what you feel, you can. How else might you come to like some ugly person because of their other characteristics in spite of how that ugliness hit your eyes on first sight?
The change starts with trusting that negative impulse reaction is not the sort of feeling one should invest ones self in. We are human and do not have "instincts" in the way that wild animals do.
The best part of being human is the ability to change with intent
Being human brings with it the responsibility to face ones feelings and reactions to the world and the people in it and to control them even alter them if they do not comport with what is correct. Ones humanity is meant to be used to teach ones self to be good honest and fair which when a critical mass of people are taught this way and then live this way makes the whole of society better. Look at how our nation has fallen since fairness left the conversation on matters of politics and government. We couldn't have the economic regulatory climate we do today if a majority of the Pols involved were using fairness as a standard for their actions many of which were intentionally unfair.
Before you tell me you can't help what you feel, you can. How else might you come to like some ugly person because of their other characteristics in spite of how that ugliness hit your eyes on first sight?
The change starts with trusting that negative impulse reaction is not the sort of feeling one should invest ones self in. We are human and do not have "instincts" in the way that wild animals do.
The best part of being human is the ability to change with intent
57
People who disparage beauty and wax indignant about "lookism" (an ugly word) don't apply the same criterion to intelligence. Few would say that rewarding the smart is discrimination against the stir. But what's the difference. Like intelligence, beauty is largely the result of winning the genetic lottery. And like intelligence, beauty requires conscious and deliberate effort to develop and sustain. Ask any model, actress or simply a beautiful woman (or man) and they'll tell you that staying beautiful beyond their teen years requires as much work as getting a PhD. We do disservice to our children by telling them that beauty does not matter. It matters as much as intelligence, which is to say, it matters a lot. "Beauty is truth; truth is beauty" (Keats).
3
Thank you for bringing up this important topic. And you're absolutely right...everyone 'knows' what attractive vs unattractive looks like. And we all know (for the most part) where we 'rank'. Does anything think it any coincidence that whether exceptionally good looking, 'average', 'fat', etc., that most people usually end up with a mate of a similar 'rank'? Or that your (high) physical rank can then be used to 'barter' for a mate with more money/status, or vice versa?
Either way, I think the word 'ugly' is a horrid word in the English language, especially when applied to a person. I prefer the word 'unattractive'.
I often think about the topic of looks, and how so often, good looking people (as a whole), seem happier, agreeable, engaging, 'nice', whereas very unattractive people (as a whole) are the opposite. Many may think this is just how all these people were born, but I'm sure that one's personality and temperament is also formed by how others treat you. Heck, if everyone smiles when they see your face, if doors are literally opened for you, etc., chances are that will make you happy, and affect how you in turn interact with others. Conversely, if others look away when they see you, or don't warm up to you (because of your appearance), how do you think that's going to affect a person, day after day, and how they ultimately respond to the human race as a whole?
Either way, I think the word 'ugly' is a horrid word in the English language, especially when applied to a person. I prefer the word 'unattractive'.
I often think about the topic of looks, and how so often, good looking people (as a whole), seem happier, agreeable, engaging, 'nice', whereas very unattractive people (as a whole) are the opposite. Many may think this is just how all these people were born, but I'm sure that one's personality and temperament is also formed by how others treat you. Heck, if everyone smiles when they see your face, if doors are literally opened for you, etc., chances are that will make you happy, and affect how you in turn interact with others. Conversely, if others look away when they see you, or don't warm up to you (because of your appearance), how do you think that's going to affect a person, day after day, and how they ultimately respond to the human race as a whole?
19
The physical, mental and psychological aspects of being human exist along a continuum-the proverbial bell curves. Human beings were not created equal- far from it. Same goes for one's opinions of their fellow inhabitants on this "Third rock from the Sun," where hostility to nurturing and caring occupy the far ends of this spectrum. Wise men and women see beyond the physical appearance but even they are not immune to societal and personal bias.
2
One problem with societal determinations of ugly is that they often become racially charged. We have our media and cultural images telling use that black people are the least physically attractive Americans. If being discounted for being ugly is, well... ugly, what happens when your ugliness is considered due to your race?
7
Better to focus youngsters on developing useful, developable skills like playing the piano, kayaking, skating, juggling, sailing, rowing, telling a charming story.
Beauty is a social plus, if the beautiful person is outgoing or is at least approachable. On the other hand, physically perfect pickles have no advantages and are likely condemned behind their backs if not directly.
But social plusses other than beauty number far more. AND are developable.
Beauty is a social plus, if the beautiful person is outgoing or is at least approachable. On the other hand, physically perfect pickles have no advantages and are likely condemned behind their backs if not directly.
But social plusses other than beauty number far more. AND are developable.
4
I felt like crying at the story of Mr. Hodge left for five days in the hospital because his parents weren't sure they could raise him with the face he had. How absolutely awful!
The fact that he overcame what undoubtedly was a terrible inferiority complex is a testament to his inner strength. Some might say his looks actually helped him to get tougher. I'm not sure I would go that far, because I can't imagine such an obstacle from the moment I was born.
We worship beauty in this country. Ordinary or plain will not do. I was a so-so kid, always feeling on the outside looking in, convinced my looks helped make me an outcast when it was actualy my shyness. In the end, whether or not something is actually true doesn't matter, it's what we think about that something .
I'm older and wiser now, knowing that average looks were hardly a curse and fortunately brains and looks don't have to coincide. But many do not learn this lesson and spend a lifetime regretting the wrong things instead of focusing on the gifts one has.
The fact that he overcame what undoubtedly was a terrible inferiority complex is a testament to his inner strength. Some might say his looks actually helped him to get tougher. I'm not sure I would go that far, because I can't imagine such an obstacle from the moment I was born.
We worship beauty in this country. Ordinary or plain will not do. I was a so-so kid, always feeling on the outside looking in, convinced my looks helped make me an outcast when it was actualy my shyness. In the end, whether or not something is actually true doesn't matter, it's what we think about that something .
I'm older and wiser now, knowing that average looks were hardly a curse and fortunately brains and looks don't have to coincide. But many do not learn this lesson and spend a lifetime regretting the wrong things instead of focusing on the gifts one has.
14
The article said 5 weeks, not 5 days. Which only amplifies your point.
9
Actually, since Mr.Hodge has zero memory of what happened to him in the weeks after his birth I would argue that it had no impact on him psychologically. By the time he was told (no doubt by his siblings), he would have been at least 5-6 years old. He would be part of a family with people who loved him, and this knowledge would have come as no profound shock. Very few things can profoundly shock a 5 year old, unless it is actually happening to them at that moment. So yeah, bad move on the part of the parents, but no great impact on the rest of his life.
3
I agree that there are cultural norms for beauty (which of course vary with each culture...consider tribes that consider deliberate facial scarring and insertion of objects in the ears and nose to be marks of beauty) I also agree that those not meeting those norms are subject to discrimination in that culture.
What I don't agree with is that we need to subscribe to those standards when we describe our children's attributes to them. We can honestly use the word "beauty" to describe what "we" see in them. At the same time, we can be honest and acknowledge that our culture sets arbitrary standards - and teach them that these standards may open certain doors more quickly, but won't necessarily deliver happiness or fulfillment.
We can also teach them that physical beauty can actually be a deterrent to happiness - "beautiful" people often struggle with feelings of unworthiness (for the advantages they receive) as well as alienation (because of social discrimination due to jealousy,) and also the inability to trust anyone's affections as being genuine. It's a two edged sword, and the best thing we can do is teach our children loving and indiscriminate appreciation for humanity.
What I don't agree with is that we need to subscribe to those standards when we describe our children's attributes to them. We can honestly use the word "beauty" to describe what "we" see in them. At the same time, we can be honest and acknowledge that our culture sets arbitrary standards - and teach them that these standards may open certain doors more quickly, but won't necessarily deliver happiness or fulfillment.
We can also teach them that physical beauty can actually be a deterrent to happiness - "beautiful" people often struggle with feelings of unworthiness (for the advantages they receive) as well as alienation (because of social discrimination due to jealousy,) and also the inability to trust anyone's affections as being genuine. It's a two edged sword, and the best thing we can do is teach our children loving and indiscriminate appreciation for humanity.
5
How can we ever really know what our lives would be like if we were more beautiful/ugly, thin/fat, tall/short, intelligent/stupid? The truth is we can't know.
What would life be like if we had parents who were nicer/meaner? Or richer/poorer?
Anyone who claims to know is fooling themselves.
What would life be like if we had parents who were nicer/meaner? Or richer/poorer?
Anyone who claims to know is fooling themselves.
7
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What was beautiful in 1615 is no longer beautiful in 2015. There are cultural and racial differences as well. A tumor or physical deformity on the other hand is an and should be acknowledged and treatment should be sought. But otherwise, I really don't think there are any ugly children.
10
The greater truth, I think, is that there's a much wider range of attractiveness than that defined by symmetrical features, and it is abetted or created by personality and ability. This is true even in the world of actors, where conventionally beautiful people abound. Michael Cera, Jesse Eisenberg, Maggie Gyllenhaall, Sara Jessica Parker, Paul Giamatti, Meryl Streep, Philip Seymour Hoffman, etc., etc. may fall outside the perimeters of conventional beauty, but they are far more attractive and charismatic than pretty actors without their talent.
5
I appreciate the article and the author's lessons to her daughter. My grandmother told me, "Pretty is as pretty does."
my mother, who was beautiful, and my handsome father had taken me out to dinner with them. from the height of the booster seat i reportedly scanned the room and announced 'that's the ugliest lady i've ever seen,' my mother said 'what could i do? she was right.'
i'd surely not make such a pronouncement now.
i'd surely not make such a pronouncement now.
2
An older attractive, but not gorgeous, actress once said that she was glad she was not beautiful, as she would never be 'un-beautiful', which is what happens to gorgeous women as they age.
For women, it is much better to be considered 'cute', than 'gorgeous, as that never makes it much past 40 and never past 50, so leads to the creepy desperation seen in so many older female stars. (FYI: Look to Helen Mirren, not Jane Fonda, for how to be sexy, yet elegant, as an older woman.)
While older men are 'allowed' to have wrinkles, only a middle aged man is deluded enough to find them in any way attractive or believable as an action star (with a 25 year old starlet as their love interest, of course.) The look like fools and completely ridiculous.
Have some dignity.
For women, it is much better to be considered 'cute', than 'gorgeous, as that never makes it much past 40 and never past 50, so leads to the creepy desperation seen in so many older female stars. (FYI: Look to Helen Mirren, not Jane Fonda, for how to be sexy, yet elegant, as an older woman.)
While older men are 'allowed' to have wrinkles, only a middle aged man is deluded enough to find them in any way attractive or believable as an action star (with a 25 year old starlet as their love interest, of course.) The look like fools and completely ridiculous.
Have some dignity.
6
Packaging is part of our culture. People are attracted to the prettier/better looking package in the supermarket, make up counter, bookstore, auto showroom, bakery. Everything is packaged. It is an intrinsic part our culture to make instant judgements based on packaging; we, as consumers do it many times a day including when we see people. It is ingrained in our psyches to look at things this way. Our culture demands it. We can be as honest about ugliness as we want, but it will not change perceptions, but rather reinforce the obvious.
2
What I read in this story is the egocentricity in parents and how they wish their progeny be what they want them to be rather than who they are.
I come to this from the perspective of an a attractive person. Yet my parents found great fault in me. I was 5'9" tall and 70 lbs. at age 12. Tall and skinny. In the age when tall and skinny was ugly. (No, I didn't have an eating disorder. My dad was 6'5" and 190 lbs. and my mother was 5'10" and 145 lbs. I have no idea what they thought they were going to procreate except to pass on tall and skinny genes.)
My mother always commented: Your face is lovely, but the rest of you..." and she'd make that tsk tsk tsk sound that was so demeaning, letting me know regularly how ugly my body was.
My daughter cannot believe there was a time when tall and skinny was not considered the ultimate body type and, in fact, was considered ugly.
I come to this from the perspective of an a attractive person. Yet my parents found great fault in me. I was 5'9" tall and 70 lbs. at age 12. Tall and skinny. In the age when tall and skinny was ugly. (No, I didn't have an eating disorder. My dad was 6'5" and 190 lbs. and my mother was 5'10" and 145 lbs. I have no idea what they thought they were going to procreate except to pass on tall and skinny genes.)
My mother always commented: Your face is lovely, but the rest of you..." and she'd make that tsk tsk tsk sound that was so demeaning, letting me know regularly how ugly my body was.
My daughter cannot believe there was a time when tall and skinny was not considered the ultimate body type and, in fact, was considered ugly.
7
how much more realistic this article than the ones on teaching our sons how to be men (most written by women). aesthetics play a role in how each and every one of us judge other people. it is sad, but still the truth. what children need learn is that even as we acknowledge social standing affected by physical appearance we must also be aware how such judgement leads us to false conclusions (that others manipulate). it is these false conclusions, both positive and negatives based on superficialities, that lead us to further errors. As we learn to look past aesthetics, we also find that peoples nature begins to color our sense of those aesthetics, such that mean formerly pretty people become much less so, and the reverse happens as well.
OK, you want reality? As my mother said, you have no second chance at a first impression. Whether its clothes, hygiene, physical beauty. Thats what is immediately apparent. Once those are overcome, THEN and only then is it whats inside that counts. You can't go shopping if you don't go into the store.....
So for all those college students who say - why groom, why wear clean clothes, why not have giant gages in my ears and tattoos everywhere - I say, grow up a little. If you really don't care what other people think - employers, cops, potential sex partners - great. Personally - employed, out of jail and happily having sex are kind of cool.
So for all those college students who say - why groom, why wear clean clothes, why not have giant gages in my ears and tattoos everywhere - I say, grow up a little. If you really don't care what other people think - employers, cops, potential sex partners - great. Personally - employed, out of jail and happily having sex are kind of cool.
3
We need to go way beyond the classical notions of beauty and disregard modern ideas of glamour that do little for the social good in promoting artificial and unnatural physical form. For women or men to strive for the svelte, thin, over-worked muscular condition is not good for them or others. I spoke with my nephew the other day who has above average looks and condition, he is always striving through workouts, juicing and the pursuit of the best healthy products to be more attractive, but it is not healthy for him or others. He is not focusing on soulful development, traditional well-rounded education, character development or submission to elders in his society who would direct him to be more productive or charitable. But often he is profane, exemplifying the deadly sins in all their ugliness while pursuing vanity. "The Picture of Dorian Gray" was written as a warning of this type of moral inversion of values. Somehow affluence and lack of motivation toward good behavior incentivizes this type of mis-directed behavior. A side note: I have little use for trendy language like "unpacked", "awesome", and meaningless words like "zombie" with neither historical or a natural basis.
I agree with chuck. Beauty can be a distraction
1
This op-ed reminded me of the idea (in Milan Kundera's Immortality, I think) that an ugly face is superior to a beautiful one. Kundera's argument was (is) that all beautiful faces are proportionately the same, while an ugly face is unique.
On a somewhat related note, and to add to Kundera's idea, in my experience, it is "plainness" and not so much ugliness, that is poorly received by society.
On a somewhat related note, and to add to Kundera's idea, in my experience, it is "plainness" and not so much ugliness, that is poorly received by society.
2
We need to understand that we are 3 persons in one. First we are what we do for a living, second we are who we give the outward appearance of who we are, and third we are the true self who we are inside. We judge ourselves and others with our eyes. Only the self knows who she or he is. Also keep in mind that in todays world of computers and technology, computers create a world of virtual reality. We post what we want others to think we are. We can even alter our photos and facial features. We can lie about our height, body weight, and about our money. But in the end of spending many hours in our virtual computer world.....we are simply who we really are. So, lets rule out that the computer is going to make us happy.
The best requirement to be happy is growing up in a stable environment. This requires a Christian intact heterosexual holon structure. A super rich family is not required, rather a family holon filled with love and understanding.
The best requirement to be happy is growing up in a stable environment. This requires a Christian intact heterosexual holon structure. A super rich family is not required, rather a family holon filled with love and understanding.
The idea, as one commentator remarked, that we are attracted to beautiful people because being "animals" we want to increase our chances of producing healthier, fitter to survive offspring never made sense to me. I don't see Hollywood stars having any fitter, healthier, stronger, more intellectual children than the general average or even homelier couple.
We are attracted to beauty simply because beauty is beauty whether in a face, a sunset, a painting, etc. Even asymmetrical faces can have a beauty and I claim that if you really are attentive and interested and get to know someone, the plainer face will manifest a beauty. Why are many, if not most, partnered with someone who is not considered to be one of the beautiful people. Because to us there was something that made him/her attractive to us. And of course that entails more than just the body. Not necessarily because we couldn't catch the other. Oh well, it is all rather stupid and trivial to be spending so much time on the subject.
We are attracted to beauty simply because beauty is beauty whether in a face, a sunset, a painting, etc. Even asymmetrical faces can have a beauty and I claim that if you really are attentive and interested and get to know someone, the plainer face will manifest a beauty. Why are many, if not most, partnered with someone who is not considered to be one of the beautiful people. Because to us there was something that made him/her attractive to us. And of course that entails more than just the body. Not necessarily because we couldn't catch the other. Oh well, it is all rather stupid and trivial to be spending so much time on the subject.
3
"What if you just stay a duck?" Many children do, especially ones who have learned the lesson of "The Ugly Duckling." This classic fairy tale teaches kids to love themselves in order to love others. In today's world, there is such a great need for parents and educators to teach acceptance, tolerance, and diversity as a strength that can unite rather than divide.
4
I am very torn on the question of parental honesty, not only on the question of beauty. Of course I am in favor on honesty on questions of fact, and I believe in being honest with children about the many forms of social injustice in the world, including (but not limited to) biases in favor of beauty. But qualities like beauty and talent and intelligence and personality are not objective, quantifiable categories that require strictly factual individual assessments from parents to children. My mother was (or at least convincingly seemed to be) utterly convinced I was a beautiful, talented, intelligent child, and nothing could persuade her otherwise. That gave me tremendous self-confidence as I was growing up, but I didn't necessarily believe that her judgment was unbiased or her assessments accurate. In fact, I frequently dismissed her judgment as impossibly optimistic on these questions, and I learned to subject myself to more balanced and realistic assessments from the world around me. But those reassessments made me appreciate her unconditional love all the more. It seemed like a sweet, generous delusion. It was comforting to have one person in the world who believed in me, who saw me as bright and talented and beautiful no matter what. Would I have wanted her to be more honest? Would that have benefitted me in some way? No. Her enthusiasm was a delightful and much appreciated counterbalance to the outside world.
18
The truth is that we're all different. "Ugliness" is in the eye of the beholder. It's a judgment, albeit one that's doubtless made instinctively by many of us, and the best thing we can do for our children is to encourage them to forego judgments about themselves and others. How we look in not who we are.
4
Christine McVie. Stevie Nicks. Christine had major stagefright and fear of flying. I empathize. My husband is from Cape Verde and every time we make the flights from the midwest to his island, my knuckles turn white. In fact, I have to be prescribed a Valium for each flight, as much as I love traveling. Both women are accomplished singer-songwriters, Christine a talented keyboardist and multi-instrumentalist. Yet, yet aside her fears - would her solo career have been as successful as Stevie's if she had been as pretty? I hate to say it, but if I were Ms. McVie, net worth $65 million, I would have taken some of that money and gotten rid of the jowels 40 years ago. I do think looks matter (I myself have been called an ugly duckling version of Joni Mitchell, too pale, too blonde for my own good) in a public career, and women take most of the hits.
2
Over time, I find that not so attractive people get more and more beautiful as I get to know them. This phenomenon amazes me over and over again . . . and on the flip side, people that I initially find to be beautiful get uglier and uglier the more I know get to them. To me, character, curiosity, and wonder are the characteristics that I find the most beautiful in people, not perfect teeth and blond hair.
9
At age three, my child wanted to tell me something about another child on a crowded playground. He pointed at the only black boy, and said--"that one, the boy wearing the red shirt." Another time, my sandy haired, fair-skinned boy asked "mama, am I adopted from China like Mae Li?" I gently replied "no, you were adopted from xxx town." My point is-- don't rush the appearance thing; children can be very accepting of "the other" if we help them along that path. And through that tolerance can grow a sense of self-acceptance that can last a lifetime.
7
My daughter is beautiful. She also wears hearing aids due to meningitis as a baby. Starting in fifth grade, she was shunned by other girls who, starting at that age compete in all ways.
Yes, looks matter. But the slightest thing matters to adolescent girls.
Yes, looks matter. But the slightest thing matters to adolescent girls.
14
I think we have become so conditioned by marketing that we don't see what we are doing to ourselves as people. If one sees something long enough and often enough, then we think that is a truth, like when we are told something often enough it becomes a factual truth. But who's truth?
2
All people have the potential to act ugly. But attractive people get away with it more often. Ugly people acting ugly makes them more so and most people are repelled. Attractive people often know from a very early age that they can manipulate others easily. And we let them off the hook about their behaviours well just because they're so gorgeous. I have a theory that ugly people not only get turned down from jobs but are arrested more often. Ask the young blonde how they can talk their way out of a speeding ticket. All of us are suckers for beauty in one way or another. And we all have examples from our experiences in life. Yes being beautiful is full of many advantages. That's why the 'attractive' couples who've had lots of facial plastic surgery rush their kids into the plastic surgeon's office asap.
10
I think it's important to point out to kids obese couples who are happy and in love, unattractive people who are successful in their careers contributing and doing generous things, short men who are great fathers, old women who are happy and content....etc.
Only when society accepts that many of the not young, non-celebrity-pretty faces are just as happy (or not) as everyone else will we all have a shot at contentment.
Only when society accepts that many of the not young, non-celebrity-pretty faces are just as happy (or not) as everyone else will we all have a shot at contentment.
2
Interesting piece; but the writer apparently doesn't know what the word "reticent" means - or perhaps, just doesn't know how to use it.
1
While beauty is skin deep, there is an extensive body of evidence that shows just how deeply rooted in our brains we measure physical beauty. Even in brief glimpses, humans can assess facial symmetry, sexual maturity, and make judgments as to overall physical health. All important visual cues that nature embedded in our DNA for the reproductive survival of our species.
People can and do use our more recently developed higher cognitive functions to overcome our biases. But we cannot simply dismiss the deep genetic source of our sense of physical beauty. Our culture may overtly reinforce our sense of attractiveness, but it is not the spring of what we find beautiful.
People can and do use our more recently developed higher cognitive functions to overcome our biases. But we cannot simply dismiss the deep genetic source of our sense of physical beauty. Our culture may overtly reinforce our sense of attractiveness, but it is not the spring of what we find beautiful.
2
I find it tellingly ironic that the New York Times feels the need to provide a photograph of the author of this piece as a necessary accompaniment to an article about how we judge people based upon their physical appearances.
For those of you who will respond by saying this is the Times' general policy for all such opinion pieces, I simply say "fine, but why should it be?"
For those of you who will respond by saying this is the Times' general policy for all such opinion pieces, I simply say "fine, but why should it be?"
6
While there are extremes of beauty and lack thereof, fortunately, most of us fall somewhere in between, which allows our personality to make the difference as to whether we are pleasing to behold and engage with. That being said, beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. How else to explain that standards of beauty change over time? Moreover, let's remember, looks are not considered to be as important when appraising men as opposed to women. Why should that be so? Yet another proof that appearance has much to do with expectation. But most importantly, let's not forget that we are steeped in a corporate culture that profits from insecurity. People make their living by convincing virtually everyone that they need to buy products that will make them beautiful. Nothing can be farther from the truth. For most of us, whom we are is what makes us beautiful or ugly.
2
Here is a good exercise : Describe your appearance twice , and try to be objective.
Shall I go first ? O.K , ( both descriptions are correct ) I'm tall, athletic ,with big, blue eyes and thick , brown hair. My skin is smooth , I'm lean and have extra long legs.
2- I'm a head taller than 98% of women, I'm often mistaken for a man ,my and my hair frizzy . My skin is oily , I'm disproportionate, and can't find cloths that fit... get the picture ?
Shall I go first ? O.K , ( both descriptions are correct ) I'm tall, athletic ,with big, blue eyes and thick , brown hair. My skin is smooth , I'm lean and have extra long legs.
2- I'm a head taller than 98% of women, I'm often mistaken for a man ,my and my hair frizzy . My skin is oily , I'm disproportionate, and can't find cloths that fit... get the picture ?
10
I can relate to your description #2. Not to hijack the thread; how discouraging is it to be mistaken for something one is not (male instead of female) because people are lazy and assume that because one is taller than the average female one must be a man. Look deep folks - you don't have to look that hard!
1
I think it is important to understand that ugly is not something that is objectively determined but is instead an opinion. While attractiveness tends to be correlated with symmetry if we understand that these evaluations are opinions and not facts then we can understand that telling children or anyone else they are ugly is not telling them a truth. While I agree that we need to tell children it is OK to be different, on any dimension, not just appearance we will only harm them if we tell them they need to accept being ugly. Individuals with body dysmorphic disorder (the disease of imagined ugliness) are almost universally depressed and at a very high risk for suicide. They are crippled by the belief that they are ugly and it's implications.
10
Honestly, I have to disagree. There is "imagined ugliness" and then there is factual ugliness. There are some people who are good looking but believe they are ugly, a mental illness, and then there are the truly ugly who are ugly and that's just a physical state of being.
The whole point of this article is that we know we're unattractive and for the world to pretend we aren't is counterproductive and ultimately harmful. The ultimately well-intentioned advice of "it's not you, it's them" "there's someone for everyone" "not everyone appreciates your beauty" is actually quite harmful. It results in wasted time and unnecessary pain. It is far more beneficial to be told, "you're not too good looking, so you absolutely need to focus on developing everything else you can to overcome your ugliness" than to be fed nonsense your entire life.
Of course, cosmetic surgery is getting to a point where most people will be able to fix their ugly, and I am a firm believer that that is a good thing.
The whole point of this article is that we know we're unattractive and for the world to pretend we aren't is counterproductive and ultimately harmful. The ultimately well-intentioned advice of "it's not you, it's them" "there's someone for everyone" "not everyone appreciates your beauty" is actually quite harmful. It results in wasted time and unnecessary pain. It is far more beneficial to be told, "you're not too good looking, so you absolutely need to focus on developing everything else you can to overcome your ugliness" than to be fed nonsense your entire life.
Of course, cosmetic surgery is getting to a point where most people will be able to fix their ugly, and I am a firm believer that that is a good thing.
4
As someone who is ugly, I think this is actually quite good. It would have saved me the misery of my teens and early 20s had I not thought I was decent looking and wasted so much time trying to date. Being unattractive physically is becoming steadily worse in today's society, especially for men. With the rise in online dating, the importance of being attractive has increased dramatically, and studies have shown that women are far more critical with regard to what makes a good looking man than men are of women.
The best thing people can do is accept it and, if you're a man, accept the fact that dating is just not in the cards for you. Instead, build a life you enjoy for yourself and enjoy your friendships. Unless you're extremely wealthy, you won't be dating anyone as an ugly man.
The best thing people can do is accept it and, if you're a man, accept the fact that dating is just not in the cards for you. Instead, build a life you enjoy for yourself and enjoy your friendships. Unless you're extremely wealthy, you won't be dating anyone as an ugly man.
5
Can't help but wonder about the women you attempted to date.. how many of them could have been considered ugly?
I'm fat and female, and men -- ugly or not -- look through me as if I didn't or shouldn't exist in their world. I will be single for the rest of my life, but not because I've ever turned my nose up at a less than attractive man.
I'm fat and female, and men -- ugly or not -- look through me as if I didn't or shouldn't exist in their world. I will be single for the rest of my life, but not because I've ever turned my nose up at a less than attractive man.
11
Compare and despair.
1
When asked the question of whether it's better to be really smart, really kind, or really beautiful, I always answer "beautiful". And then I go on to explain that truly beautiful people ARE smart and kind. If a person has good looking features but is mean or stupid (like certain politicians of both sexes - I won't name them but you can guess), then I cannot perceive them as beautiful.
7
My curiosity got the better of me, and I googled Robert Hoge. In my view, the guy is just not that ugly. An unusual face, to be sure, and you'd never say handsome, but in pictures of him laughing, posing with his wife and baby, he's just an ordinary guy.
I'll tell ya who's ugly: Claire and Francis Underwood.
I'll tell ya who's ugly: Claire and Francis Underwood.
11
I have no interest in reading such an inappropriate article in a supposedly intelligent newspaper...whoever this person is, is superficial and has no right for exposure to so many gullible people.
1
Too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, too old, too poor… The media are at fault by creating unrealistic examples and expectation forcing an exaggerated view and perspective on all of us. This is especially true for impressionable children. This is more trap-clap to pick the pockets of the buying public by reinforcing these unrealistic views of acceptability.
As parents we try to insulate our children from these affronts, but we’re unfortunately unsuccessful because the demands for social conformity are much too strong.
Be available to contrast the real differences, those that are character based versus those that are only superficial. Honesty and openness are important, but more important is our love and acceptance of our children supporting these fragile egos and helping them understand the cruelty we’ve created in this world.
As parents we try to insulate our children from these affronts, but we’re unfortunately unsuccessful because the demands for social conformity are much too strong.
Be available to contrast the real differences, those that are character based versus those that are only superficial. Honesty and openness are important, but more important is our love and acceptance of our children supporting these fragile egos and helping them understand the cruelty we’ve created in this world.
2
first, I disagree with those who say that beauty is subjective. Unless you have severe astigmatism, there is beauty and there is homely, obvious as the wart on your nose. The advantages of being attractive, especially in a competitive city like New York, are very substantial. It's just the way it is. If one is born less than attractive, it becomes painfully obvious by the time one is in high school. No text book on the subject is needed. It's all well and good to say that it is just one attribute of many, but unfortunately it is the attribute of first impression. First impressions can be quite lasting. Other worthwhile attributes like being really intelligent or a great writer or great scientific thinker comes to the fore later in life, and that's great. However by that time, a lot of life has passed by. It is what it is.
11
This is the unfortunate truth. One of many in reality. The "let's pretend" world would be nice but does not exist.
2
Lincoln not a good example, he was 6-4...
Eleanor Roosevelt is an excellent choice...when my mother was a little girl growing up in the 1940s Mrs. Roosevelt was the only visible female role model for a young girl.
Eleanor Roosevelt is an excellent choice...when my mother was a little girl growing up in the 1940s Mrs. Roosevelt was the only visible female role model for a young girl.
2
While it may not be a comfortable task for any parent to tell a child that he or she is not good looking, encouraging a child to focus on his or her real strengths and on being a kind and generous human being who is capable of empathy and extending a helping hand to those in need is giving that child a long lasting gift: power that no one can take away from him or her. Yes, outside world may be cruel to the individual but those who have the opportunity to get to know the individual would be won over by the individual's character so much so that looks won't even matter just as they should not. We cannot change others. We can only control how we deal with them. I wish I had the ability to understand this when I was growing up.
9
If we're all supposed to be honest about beauty, is it OK to be honest about people who are stupid?
188
How about not denying beauty, but not making much of it either? Then how about not denying stupidity, but not making much of it, except when stupidity threatens society? Make sense?
2
I'd say no, given I was once reprimanded for referring to a predecessor's poor work as stupid.
But I will call out the willfully ignorant.
But I will call out the willfully ignorant.
2
Imagine the bountiful benefit of being born beautifully African yellow, brown and black in the land of black African enslavement, Jim Crow discrimination and mass incarceration. The European American white definition of physical beauty denies, defines and confines black African Americans as innately uniquely physically ugly. And some black folks are misled into accepting this alien vision. They try to look white and seek out white partners. Imagine if in addition to being black they were born "ugly" by nature in the scheme of what is beautiful or by physical deformities.
86
It is presumptuous to imply that people who date or marry outside of their race are secretly consumed by racial insecurity and self-hatred. Love and beauty transcend racial differences.
1
Perhaps instead of complaining how "European American" definitions of beauty are another way of keeping blacks down, you might instead take some responsibility for instilling enough confidence in other blacks so that they do not try to "look white" or "seek out white partners" as you mention.
blackmamba,
Your post assumes that all black people have no self motivation and allow what ever they perceive to come into their minds and settle upon them without applying reason to it.
The onus of living among a culture in which ones own ethnicity is not portrayed as frequently as the larger ethnic group or as favorably is heavy enough without adding to that burden by asserting part of that onus is actual removal of the minorities humanity and self control.
Your post assumes that all black people have no self motivation and allow what ever they perceive to come into their minds and settle upon them without applying reason to it.
The onus of living among a culture in which ones own ethnicity is not portrayed as frequently as the larger ethnic group or as favorably is heavy enough without adding to that burden by asserting part of that onus is actual removal of the minorities humanity and self control.
In spite of all the comments espousing the "no one is ugly on the inside" philosophy, Mr. Hoge is exactly right: ugly people know they are ugly. No amount of sweet talk from a loving mother can change that. That doesn't mean that other qualities are not known as well, but appearance is the first thing that is noticed by others. One's intellect or kindness shows itself after a time, but we cannot see those qualities when we initially meet someone else. Many of the "everyone is beautiful in their own way" believers also judge others based on looks, regardless of their protestations to the contrary. Admitting that one is ugly does not mean their self esteem is lacking. Getting on with living, not letting anything hold you back, joining in and achieving, all in spite of looks is the point. Allowing for the difference and not letting it cloud our judgment about the person's other attributes is what we should strive for.
153
It's interesting that sexual desire and phantasy have not been broached in this discussion. Isn't it at bottom what underlies all aspects of lookism? Isn't wanting to be desired an evolutionary force? What else is driving the kazillion dollar fashion and cosmetic industries? Doesn't this need to be acknowledged before the prejudices we are discussing can be blunted?
32
There's a difference between "reticent" and "reluctant." Reluctant should have been used here in the final paragraph.
3
I have always found it very confusing when women in particular rely on makeup to improve their appearance, even though it looks to me like they are wearing a mask. I have difficulty finding the woman I can relate to under the mask, and that interferes with getting to know her in a meaningful way. A little makeup for enhancement is fine, but not so much that the face underneath disappears.
2
I agree. There's a fine line between enhancing (usually takes about 5 minutes) and wearing a mask (a full hour for makeup application, just so you can walk out the door??)
This of course is due to the makeup industry inventing all kinds of 'problems' which need fixing. If you really stop to think about it, it's quite insane...the amount of 'correcting' products some women feel they need to use, on a daily basis:
Pore minimizer lotion, undertone corrector (to remove redness, yellowness, etc.), wrinkle-'reducing' crème, another special crème to hide undereye circles, something else to even out overall skintone, something to add 'brightness' to skin, something to mask blemishes, foundation to coverup all the aforementioned items and give your skin one overall tone and serve as the basis for your actual 'makeup', as follows: blush (to give color), another darker base if you want to add contours, mascara (to make eyes look bigger), eye liner, shadow (sometimes three different shades), lipstick, etc..... Finish it all with loose powder...
This of course is due to the makeup industry inventing all kinds of 'problems' which need fixing. If you really stop to think about it, it's quite insane...the amount of 'correcting' products some women feel they need to use, on a daily basis:
Pore minimizer lotion, undertone corrector (to remove redness, yellowness, etc.), wrinkle-'reducing' crème, another special crème to hide undereye circles, something else to even out overall skintone, something to add 'brightness' to skin, something to mask blemishes, foundation to coverup all the aforementioned items and give your skin one overall tone and serve as the basis for your actual 'makeup', as follows: blush (to give color), another darker base if you want to add contours, mascara (to make eyes look bigger), eye liner, shadow (sometimes three different shades), lipstick, etc..... Finish it all with loose powder...
3
Humans are weird. Why is it that being intelligent is considered more commendable than being beautiful? Because it requires work, at least for most people, and beauty is inborn? Why is something earned superior to that which is given? Everyone is superficial to one degree or another. It's impossible not to be. Maybe if schools actually tried to educate children, rather than functioning as something of a hangout/prison, this wouldn't be such a big issue. Why not tell your child the truth: Yes, looks "matter," but only to simpletons. Looks appeal to the ape in us; things of the mind and heart, to the angel. Besides, this is why we have Twilight Zone, isn't it?
http://www.hulu.com/watch/440811
http://www.hulu.com/watch/440811
The author should check out Naomi Wolfe's "The Beauty Myth" from the early 90's. Not only is beauty subjective, but as a cultural construct, it's used to keep both men and women preoccupied with looks and lookism and thus objectified and self-absorbed.
Also, as someone else pointed out, the author doesn't exactly appear to be able to identify with topic of "ugliness," much less empathize with those who aren't blond white females...which is, ironically, the very beauty standard described by Wolfe.
Perhaps the article should have been written by someone ugly (whatever that means).
Also, as someone else pointed out, the author doesn't exactly appear to be able to identify with topic of "ugliness," much less empathize with those who aren't blond white females...which is, ironically, the very beauty standard described by Wolfe.
Perhaps the article should have been written by someone ugly (whatever that means).
5
..."Only bad witches are ugly", Billie Burke (as Glinda) 1939.
For some reason I became a huge fan of Margaret Hamilton early in life and have remained so. Her magnificent career as a character actress earned her and her abbreviated family money, the respect of her more famous peers and what must have been the joy of extreme self-actualization despite physical looks that, generally, branded her as "the villain". One of her roles that was typical by her own description was that of the maid in "These Three", an early version of Lillian Hellman's "The Children's Hour" where she uses her character's sharp features and persona to deliver the coup de grace to the real villain's pretty face.
When I was taken to see "Wicked" on Broadway I left the theater elated and a little emotional, thinking and hoping that Ms. Hamilton was enjoying, posthumously, the enormous power of her talent, which had transcended the cage of physical appearance, that had created enough interest in what began as a 11-minutes on screen contract role to endure well beyond TV reruns.
For some reason I became a huge fan of Margaret Hamilton early in life and have remained so. Her magnificent career as a character actress earned her and her abbreviated family money, the respect of her more famous peers and what must have been the joy of extreme self-actualization despite physical looks that, generally, branded her as "the villain". One of her roles that was typical by her own description was that of the maid in "These Three", an early version of Lillian Hellman's "The Children's Hour" where she uses her character's sharp features and persona to deliver the coup de grace to the real villain's pretty face.
When I was taken to see "Wicked" on Broadway I left the theater elated and a little emotional, thinking and hoping that Ms. Hamilton was enjoying, posthumously, the enormous power of her talent, which had transcended the cage of physical appearance, that had created enough interest in what began as a 11-minutes on screen contract role to endure well beyond TV reruns.
5
How right Julia is that "appearance means something . . . it doesn't mean everything." In Plato's SYMPOSIUM we learn that Socrates was far from the ideal of the Athenian male: he was short, stocky and snub-nosed with eyes bulging, locked in a stare. Still, strangers found him riveting for his brilliance stressing the pre-eminence of mind over body. Mother Teresa had a face lined like a roadmap, but her compassion revealed to the alien poor a moral beauty that attracted them like moths to light. With a genetic disease that covered him, head to toe, with tumors, Vincio Riva felt the warmth of Pope Francis' one minute embrace--and so did the world. "Returning home," he said "I felt as if a load had been lifted." Like Blanche DuBois in STREETCAR, whoever we are , we have always depended "on the kindness of strangers."
3
I'm a grown man, and I understand the focus on perceived ugliness and how it's gauged, and truth when speaking with children, or setting an example. I've never made friends based on attractive features. However, rarely do we hear the conversation about envy, cruelty, isolation, and problematic friends who are angry because they weren't born looking a certain way, a way that you do. Unfair, and far more common that one might think. It's more common in adults actually. Envy is a scourge in friendships. There's a funny bias against good looks in the culture, celebrated for sure, opens some doors, yes, but there's a price for it all and it's usually manifests in unfair treatment simply because another person is envious. Don't reciprocate attraction in someone and you are a snob and full of yourself. Get a great job and it's because of your looks, never accomplishment or intellect. Someone else's love interest is more attracted to you, you pay for it with their private anger at you, regardless of the fact that you were a great friend and ignored the interest. It's not so unlike people who absolutely have glee when a wealthy person suffers. The difference is, one can't at all help how the genes fell together. If one is a generous and humble person being treated poorly due to envy can really hurt. 'Don't hate me because I'm beautiful' is funny, but a small kernel of truth exists in it and everyone simply laughs thinking it's not a bad problem to have. Adults can be mean.
9
I've been called beautiful my whole life. Beauty does have advantages, however there can be negative sides as well. Starting in sixth grade I started getting unwanted attention. The same year, 3 8th grade girls pushed me down the stairs because "you think you're all that". When I told the teacher, she told me that was life and I should figure out how to deal with it. By 7th grade some boys started physically grabbing me but I was too embarrassed to say anything; I thought it was my fault. By high school, girls hated that the older guys would give me attention -- they called me a slut, a skank, a snob. They even drove by my house and screamed these names at me from their car. It didn't help that I am naturally a shy person (people read that as aloofness and snobbery). Making friends was hard, particularly with other girls. Guys who were my friends inevitably tried to make it something more. I never knew if someone wanted to be friends with me for who I was or for another reason (same with guys I dated). It also didn't help growing up in the time when all girls did try to be perfect (we didn't know airbrushing existed). I got excellent grades and was on the advanced placement track, but I think I cried every day after school for 5 years straight. It's gotten easier as I've gotten older (beauty fades, people grow up) but there is still plenty of (nicely veiled now) cattiness (from women) and assumptions (from both sexes) about what attractiveness means (less capable, etc.).
54
Yeah, life is strange in that way, isn't it? I grew up in an environment where I too (like some of the girls/women you mention) was 'jealous' of really attractive girls/women. Granted, I was never mean to them, but I was jealous and surely made catty remarks behind their backs.
But as I got older, one thing I learned was that we all suffer in life. We can have no clue what is going on in another person's life. That 'gorgeous woman' you may see on the street, and be jealous of or think she's 'all that'...she may have just lost a family member. She may have a disease lurking underneath the surface. We have no idea. In addition, as you say, just as unattractive people can be treated unfairly by society, the same can hold true for very attractive women. As they say, we all have our crosses to bear. ;-)
But as I got older, one thing I learned was that we all suffer in life. We can have no clue what is going on in another person's life. That 'gorgeous woman' you may see on the street, and be jealous of or think she's 'all that'...she may have just lost a family member. She may have a disease lurking underneath the surface. We have no idea. In addition, as you say, just as unattractive people can be treated unfairly by society, the same can hold true for very attractive women. As they say, we all have our crosses to bear. ;-)
5
People have egregiously judged others, sadly including children, by their looks for decades, but nothing like they do in today's world, thanks to the world's fascination with beauty and perfection.
Every year PEOPLE magazine plasters the title and photo of The Most Beautiful Woman in the World, and the Most Beautiful Man in the World, on the cover of their magazine. We have red carpet events where only the most attractive men and women have the privilege of walking down them, with a few exceptions regarding those women with weight issues. But even for those women who are overweight, the media won't focus on their talent, dress, hair or shoes, but the weight, and that's what we will read about in the articles to follow.
We live in a world obsessed with beauty, and although I would love nothing more than to see that change, I highly doubt that people will stop "judging a book by it's cover" anytime soon. The best we can do as parents, is prepare our children for those who do so.
Every year PEOPLE magazine plasters the title and photo of The Most Beautiful Woman in the World, and the Most Beautiful Man in the World, on the cover of their magazine. We have red carpet events where only the most attractive men and women have the privilege of walking down them, with a few exceptions regarding those women with weight issues. But even for those women who are overweight, the media won't focus on their talent, dress, hair or shoes, but the weight, and that's what we will read about in the articles to follow.
We live in a world obsessed with beauty, and although I would love nothing more than to see that change, I highly doubt that people will stop "judging a book by it's cover" anytime soon. The best we can do as parents, is prepare our children for those who do so.
6
I never cared much about my appearance, but I was lucky enough to be young when the "natural look" was fashionable and I was even luckier to fit the social definition of "pretty" as a young woman.
I don't want to complain because I have no doubt that had I been less attractive I would never have been given the opportunities at some of the good jobs I've had. But let me say it's a 2-edged sword, because there's also a perception that if you're pretty (and blond) you must also be stupid.
Very few of my employers took any of my ideas seriously until I was in my 40s. I used to route my good ideas through coworkers (mostly male) when I was younger, because I could not get anyone to listen to me.
I don't want to complain because I have no doubt that had I been less attractive I would never have been given the opportunities at some of the good jobs I've had. But let me say it's a 2-edged sword, because there's also a perception that if you're pretty (and blond) you must also be stupid.
Very few of my employers took any of my ideas seriously until I was in my 40s. I used to route my good ideas through coworkers (mostly male) when I was younger, because I could not get anyone to listen to me.
8
Back in middle school, one of my friends told me that his parents had always remarked on how ugly he was as a child. Far from seeming broken up about it, he seemed quite comfortable with himself, and with the idea of being underestimated.
I was surprised by his parents' approach, because in my family calling a child ugly would be like advocating the moral benefits of torture. But I couldn't help but admire the way that this variation on parenting had been effective in his case.
I think it's fine to tell children about their shortcomings, subjective or otherwise, as long as the overall environment is one of honesty, strength, and support, not weakness and manipulation. It's certainly a delicate balance, though, and even the most well-intentioned parent can go astray.
I was surprised by his parents' approach, because in my family calling a child ugly would be like advocating the moral benefits of torture. But I couldn't help but admire the way that this variation on parenting had been effective in his case.
I think it's fine to tell children about their shortcomings, subjective or otherwise, as long as the overall environment is one of honesty, strength, and support, not weakness and manipulation. It's certainly a delicate balance, though, and even the most well-intentioned parent can go astray.
8
Much has been said about honesty in both the Op-Ed and comments.Honesty is fundamentally important because it should help us be comfortable in our own skin.For that reason adults who profess such honesty should practice what they preach when addressing their own appearance.Avoiding surgical "reformatting"and dressing appropriately for their age should be part of such "honesty".Sayings such as "age is just a number" are as idiotic as lying to one's children about their appearance.
8
It seems to me that in many of the comments here, and in the editorial itself, there is insufficient distinction between a child's parents and the rest of the world. Mr. Hoge was unfortunate in his mother's intense aesthetic reaction (and fortunate in his siblings!), but this of course is not always the case, as many commenters have pointed out--most parents see far beyond surface appearances. But, however much parents may genuinely feel and express unconditional love towards an "unattrative" child, that doesn't negate the hard reality of what children encounter in the world. I'm not sure I know how best to handle this, but it certainly seems possible to tell a child he or she is truly beautiful and still recognize openly that others may be too superficial to see it.
13
I think a lot of people didn't read this article but read into it what they feel. The author never really knew how to broach the subject with her child. Happily, Mr. Robert Hoge has. He advocates a more honest dialogue with kids with ugliness as a fact, a "just-is" instead of a loaded valuation of a person, i.e. the current paradigm. We also haven't replaced our ancestral view of ugliness: historically it was a proxy for disease since not very many disturbingly ugly people were allowed to survive; they were actively culled from the population from birth. Recall also that many plagues in historical times were disfiguring (think smallpox, syphillus, etc). In essence, we are using a criteria that is no longer useful in an age of medical advances. Plus, think of the mental abuse some ugly folks have been subjected to and it's not shocking that they would be hateful or resentful of humanity, with unique personality disorders, again fulfilling the fairytale stereotype of evil characters as always ugly. Mrapproachesproposing that we take a factual approach which is healthier than the denialism that the author honestly felt uncomfortable about. Mr. Hoge's approach is similar to social activists advocating racial dialogue to confront and minimize our racism and unconscious biases, which we all have to greater or lesser degrees. It's the better if the two approaches., in my opinion.
5
Humans make an unconscious determination of the person just encountered within 7 seconds - based obviously on looks alone. The best way to change theses judgements is to have children as young as possible meet a wide range of people - those who look different from them in any way. If children only meet those that look like themselves, you will find a pretty lifelong interpretation that keeps the ugliness syndrome moving ahead as tradition has it.
13
You make an excellent point, which reminds me of something similar I've thought about...
I have a number of nieces/nephews who imo, haven't been exposed to much beyond their bubble of a suburban neighborhood. They range in age from 8-16.
I've observed their faces when they see someone 'different' pass by...be it a woman in a burka, a lesbian couple, a woman dressed provocatively, etc. I've also heard comments/judgements they make about other people's outward appearances or behaviors. We also know full well that most of the images we as a society see (whether on TV, in movies, billboards, etc.) are of 'perfect' people with wonderful lives and smiling faces. Everyone is young and wrinkle-free. The sick, the handicapped and the elderly don't want to be seen by us (we think it's 'too depressing').
I think it's very important for people to live their lives with a real understanding that there are many types of people in the world...that nature is often 'imperfect'...that life is not always rosy, but that in the end, it's all good, and beautiful. ;-)
I have a number of nieces/nephews who imo, haven't been exposed to much beyond their bubble of a suburban neighborhood. They range in age from 8-16.
I've observed their faces when they see someone 'different' pass by...be it a woman in a burka, a lesbian couple, a woman dressed provocatively, etc. I've also heard comments/judgements they make about other people's outward appearances or behaviors. We also know full well that most of the images we as a society see (whether on TV, in movies, billboards, etc.) are of 'perfect' people with wonderful lives and smiling faces. Everyone is young and wrinkle-free. The sick, the handicapped and the elderly don't want to be seen by us (we think it's 'too depressing').
I think it's very important for people to live their lives with a real understanding that there are many types of people in the world...that nature is often 'imperfect'...that life is not always rosy, but that in the end, it's all good, and beautiful. ;-)
3
What kind of people were Mr. Hoge's parents to leave their newborn at the hospital, hoping he would die, and then only bring him home based on a sibling vote? Is this an Australian thing? What if the siblings had voted no? His facial tumor and deformed legs pale in comparison to the cruelty of his parents. This story sounds like a fairy tale, most of which were quite grim (no pun intended), before Disney rewrote them.
Looks matter and to pretend they don't is to do children a disservice. Buying an Eleanor Roosevelt doll (I guess it was supposed to be the ugly doll amid the pretty Barbies, Midges, et al) doesn't help unless a parent explains all the good things that Mrs. Roosevelt did in her life. It is important for parents to impress upon their "ugly" AND their beautiful children that although society will judge them based on their outward package, it is also important to develop a personality and other inner skills to have a successful life. This is very important for girls who are very pretty.
Looks matter and to pretend they don't is to do children a disservice. Buying an Eleanor Roosevelt doll (I guess it was supposed to be the ugly doll amid the pretty Barbies, Midges, et al) doesn't help unless a parent explains all the good things that Mrs. Roosevelt did in her life. It is important for parents to impress upon their "ugly" AND their beautiful children that although society will judge them based on their outward package, it is also important to develop a personality and other inner skills to have a successful life. This is very important for girls who are very pretty.
129
I would add that developing a personality and other inner skills in order to be successful is every bit as important for boys who are exceptionally good looking, too.
3
"leave their newborn at the hospital, hoping he would die, and then only bring him home based on a sibling vote? Is this an Australian thing?"
Ummm...no, this happens everywhere. You want trouble? Be born an Albino in East Africa.
Ummm...no, this happens everywhere. You want trouble? Be born an Albino in East Africa.
4
The world is cruel. Physical attractiveness has effects above and beyond appearance. And we are all to blame.
We are kinder to cute kids, kinder to teens with good teeth, skin and hair. In turn, these kids and teens perceive the world to be a kind place. They grow up to be kind adults because they've grown up receiving kindness. Their kindness then generates more kindness from other people. And a positive cycle is formed.
Obviously there are exceptions. Yes, some attractive people are mean.
We are kinder to cute kids, kinder to teens with good teeth, skin and hair. In turn, these kids and teens perceive the world to be a kind place. They grow up to be kind adults because they've grown up receiving kindness. Their kindness then generates more kindness from other people. And a positive cycle is formed.
Obviously there are exceptions. Yes, some attractive people are mean.
104
Honestly I think the opposite is often true. Just as attractive people receive more kindness, they receive less cruelty. This can make them less sensitive to the feelings of others- if you don't know how it feels when someone puts you down for your appearance you will most likely not be as cautious about doing it.
3
I agree with you on "They grow up to be kind adults because they're grown up receiving kindness" and "Obviouasly there are exceptions. Yes, some attarctive people are mean.".
While there are goodlooking people who are no question "kind", people such as Angelina Julie or John Kennedy, many goodlooking people can be mean, heartless and arrogant such as Ann Coulter. While Ann Coulter may be "goodlooking" by western standard, I see meanness, evil and heartlessness when I look at Coulter and not "goodlooking.". Ted Bundy was goodlooking and charming but was evil as we know.
Nature is obviously full of mysteries with people's inward and outwardness. Kids should be educated to be open to kindness as wella as being able to fighting off meanness from pretty mean people such as Coulter or ugly mean people such as Hitler.
While there are goodlooking people who are no question "kind", people such as Angelina Julie or John Kennedy, many goodlooking people can be mean, heartless and arrogant such as Ann Coulter. While Ann Coulter may be "goodlooking" by western standard, I see meanness, evil and heartlessness when I look at Coulter and not "goodlooking.". Ted Bundy was goodlooking and charming but was evil as we know.
Nature is obviously full of mysteries with people's inward and outwardness. Kids should be educated to be open to kindness as wella as being able to fighting off meanness from pretty mean people such as Coulter or ugly mean people such as Hitler.
2
And good looks are a thousand times more important for women than for men in our society.
Just look at any movie or TV show, including "news" programs.
We see homely men of any age in starring roles on TV (including news shows) and film. Men most women would find repulsive can even be romantic leads.
To be worthy of being seen, women on the other hand must have certain features: large eyes, a nicely-shaped nose (not too large or small), lips of some fullness.
They must be thin as boys and have nicely muscled arms to show their fitness. Forget the bounteous beauties portrayed by artists like Rubens. Forget Lillian Russell, Mae West and Marilyn Monroe, stars considered the epitome of sexuality in their day.
Today young girls in the USA are barraged with images of feminine "beauty" that don't look anything like most normal women.
It seems to be worse in this country than anywhere else. Television shows from Europe and especially the United Kingdom offer viewers a much wider variety of women considered attractive and desirable.
Most pernicious is how these narrow requirements for being attractive harm those who don't fit the standards. They act as a powerful form of control of our daughters and granddaughters, a way to keep them down by lowering their self-esteem and sapping their confidence.
It's time all women (but especially those with cultural power --like editors and producers-- ) began to smash these chains by offering more inclusive images of feminine beauty.
Just look at any movie or TV show, including "news" programs.
We see homely men of any age in starring roles on TV (including news shows) and film. Men most women would find repulsive can even be romantic leads.
To be worthy of being seen, women on the other hand must have certain features: large eyes, a nicely-shaped nose (not too large or small), lips of some fullness.
They must be thin as boys and have nicely muscled arms to show their fitness. Forget the bounteous beauties portrayed by artists like Rubens. Forget Lillian Russell, Mae West and Marilyn Monroe, stars considered the epitome of sexuality in their day.
Today young girls in the USA are barraged with images of feminine "beauty" that don't look anything like most normal women.
It seems to be worse in this country than anywhere else. Television shows from Europe and especially the United Kingdom offer viewers a much wider variety of women considered attractive and desirable.
Most pernicious is how these narrow requirements for being attractive harm those who don't fit the standards. They act as a powerful form of control of our daughters and granddaughters, a way to keep them down by lowering their self-esteem and sapping their confidence.
It's time all women (but especially those with cultural power --like editors and producers-- ) began to smash these chains by offering more inclusive images of feminine beauty.
15
That which men consider attractive is far more broad than it is for women today. You need not look any further than dating in your 20s to realize that men find women of a wide range of body types and faces to be attractive, but women consider 80% of women to be below average in looks. It is actually much harder for men.
1
This article makes up for the moronic one in the Politics section about Trump vs Carson "honesty". This is a very important subject almost never written about, let alone published in the Times. As a society, we are enveloped by notions of physical beauty and perfection, especially in advertising and entertainment, that directly impact millions of kids.
That influence is often toxic. On the other hand, to tell an obese child that their appearance is "just fine" or "beautiful" is not preparing them for the real world of adult judgments and social pecking order they'll have to live in as they grow older. This is one of the tougher aspects of parenting, helping to establish the self-esteem of your child in a loving but candid, honest, supportive way, but also offers some of the greatest rewards when the child responds constructively, with a degree of empowerment over their own life, and appearance. IMO, it's never too early to start imparting this wisdom, as long as it's done with love and positive support. One look around common spaces nowadays--at the rampant obesity, slovenly grooming, very poor personal hygiene that exists among thousands of ordinary citizens--and one realizes how far we've sunk as a society, and how far we have to climb up out of this hole. Saying life is just more "casual" in the 21st century doesn't cut it; it's convenient denial, and a mass reflection of pervasively low self-esteem. No wonder Trump is able to sell his brand of bushwah so easily.
That influence is often toxic. On the other hand, to tell an obese child that their appearance is "just fine" or "beautiful" is not preparing them for the real world of adult judgments and social pecking order they'll have to live in as they grow older. This is one of the tougher aspects of parenting, helping to establish the self-esteem of your child in a loving but candid, honest, supportive way, but also offers some of the greatest rewards when the child responds constructively, with a degree of empowerment over their own life, and appearance. IMO, it's never too early to start imparting this wisdom, as long as it's done with love and positive support. One look around common spaces nowadays--at the rampant obesity, slovenly grooming, very poor personal hygiene that exists among thousands of ordinary citizens--and one realizes how far we've sunk as a society, and how far we have to climb up out of this hole. Saying life is just more "casual" in the 21st century doesn't cut it; it's convenient denial, and a mass reflection of pervasively low self-esteem. No wonder Trump is able to sell his brand of bushwah so easily.
2
I feel I must say more. The title of the article and the Picasso-esque illustration accompanying it are insensitive to those of us who live in a culture that places too high a premium on looks. The article is not about ugliness. The article is about those of us who are average along with those of us who are taunted because of our looks. Less than beautiful would have been more sensitive or average looking or different. Of course, those words don't grab your attention like ugliness but they are considerate of the feelings of the subject(s). And the illustration, well, no sensitivity there.
In a not very subtle way, the headline, and the article illustrate the venality of a culture that even when seriously trying to address an issue, succumbs to the overwhelming cultural factors that created the problem.
In a not very subtle way, the headline, and the article illustrate the venality of a culture that even when seriously trying to address an issue, succumbs to the overwhelming cultural factors that created the problem.
2
I believe that all of America rely on looks. Many kids believe that if you are good looking and have great hygiene then they are set for life not thinking about anyone "below" them. Kids should know that looks are not the most important thing in life. They would know that the things that set you for life is a well payed job and someone who you love, but not by their looks but by their personality. I believe that people who only judge others on their looks don't have many things to be grateful for. I believe that most adult also don't understand kids these days either. Kids now and these days get depressed easily. And if there parent tells there child that looks matter in this world then that kid is going to be self-conscious on everything.So at the end i believe that if a parent says that to their child then they are failing as a parent.
2
Some of the ugliest folks I have met in my many years were physically very attractive and some of the most beautiful I have met were not. If folks only depend on their looks then they are in for a real shocker as they age whereas ones that don't are a real treat to talk to because of their real substance. Look at people who have tried to maintain their egotistic "good looks" by plastic surgery. So far as I have seen is the joke's on them!
1
The problem with "ugly duckling" stories isn't the acceptance of what one is currently, it's the aspiration to something that can't be attained except by luck. Just as genetics determine a duck is a duck and a swan is a swan, they determine most of what we will look like when we grow up. Why waste time aspiring to the result of a dice roll, when that energy could be spent so much better elsewhere?
1
The universe, god, whatever cannot create that which is not beautiful. It is only human subjectivity that judges anything to be beautiful or not. Someone said that fat is correctable, well, not really, unless someone prone to a higher weight wants to spend hours a day exercising and managing food, feeling hungry always, and actually distorting their body type into a more acceptable form. I would say spending so much time and energy on our physical form is narcissistic and not good for the soul.
2
Almost every new Facebook posting of a personal or family picture is met with approving assurances of "beautiful" or the like. If we're wondering whether our false praise of each other's children is influencing them to be the same as us, we can stop wondering. It most certainly is.
1
I had a conversation with a woman a couple weeks ago who felt that thick glasses were such a severe deformity it would render a female child completely unadoptable. This woman was from a severely impoverished community and was explaining why parents might prefer one child and is not aware of current surgeries to repair the coke-bottle-bottom lens malady. (The child was adopted though)
A biological children may not be born to a family who can embrace anything but the best. It's the very definition of the narcissist personality disorder; the narcissist can only love one of their children... the best.
Children need mentors who can navigate a world where most people face tremendous obstacles at some point in their lives. Humanity tends to rule by rank. There are very few who see the person in the flaws. This is story about finding mentors.
A biological children may not be born to a family who can embrace anything but the best. It's the very definition of the narcissist personality disorder; the narcissist can only love one of their children... the best.
Children need mentors who can navigate a world where most people face tremendous obstacles at some point in their lives. Humanity tends to rule by rank. There are very few who see the person in the flaws. This is story about finding mentors.
1
I object to the word "ugly," which implies a darkness of spirit, not physical looks. I live in a community that's known for its glorification and worship of physical beauty, and that reputation didn't happen for naught. Want to see ugly? Take a a look at entitlement.
5
Even Franklin didn't want to sleep with Eleanor.
3
That is an assertion that u really do not, could not, know whether it is true. I never did understand why some people never miss an opportunity to insult unattractive people. And skip that old excuse, "but it is true!" So what? Well-mannered people know a lot of true hurtful things about others, but somehow restrain themselves from gratuitous cruelty.
I have a feeling u r an OK-looking guy with an ugly character.
I have a feeling u r an OK-looking guy with an ugly character.
9
I don't think there is a child alive who doesn't realize that appearance matters. Just like with every other form of conformity, kids want to look/dress/behave in ways that their peers seem to value. But then the better among us begin to outgrow that impulse and come to genuinely value more important things - and these other values are indeed far more important than beauty. Why would we not teach that lesson to kids from the start?
After all, beauty is really, truly subjective. Look back at your middle school yearbook and look at the homely kids you thought were so beautiful back then just because they were popular. Eventually we all develop our own taste in others. Who hasn't ever developed a crush on someone who is not classically attractive? A quirky smile, the cock of an eyebrow, they way they hold your gaze even when they're vulnerable. Yet sometimes classically beautiful is just boring. Once looks stop mattering so much, you stop caring about them too. It hurts to be called ugly as a kid, now I'd laugh at such a meager insult. Kids should know that one day they won't care either.
I honestly can't imagine a parent not finding their child to be beautiful! My kids take my breath away and every child deserves to be told the same. The things that are uniformly attractive - self-assurance, confidence - these come from being told that you're perfect as you are. The kindness, empathy and strength come from being told that those are the things that always matter.
After all, beauty is really, truly subjective. Look back at your middle school yearbook and look at the homely kids you thought were so beautiful back then just because they were popular. Eventually we all develop our own taste in others. Who hasn't ever developed a crush on someone who is not classically attractive? A quirky smile, the cock of an eyebrow, they way they hold your gaze even when they're vulnerable. Yet sometimes classically beautiful is just boring. Once looks stop mattering so much, you stop caring about them too. It hurts to be called ugly as a kid, now I'd laugh at such a meager insult. Kids should know that one day they won't care either.
I honestly can't imagine a parent not finding their child to be beautiful! My kids take my breath away and every child deserves to be told the same. The things that are uniformly attractive - self-assurance, confidence - these come from being told that you're perfect as you are. The kindness, empathy and strength come from being told that those are the things that always matter.
6
How and what we teach children about the value of beauty influences ALL of their understanding about a how they perceive the world and shapes their entire value system. It is the parent who focuses on "stark honesty" as well as the parent who surrounds their child with a cushion of absolute adoration that cheat the child of the ability to measure value.
Unfortunately, children who have extreme (and sometimes more subtle) deviations from the "norm" of beautiful will attract ugly behavior from other children. Some of this can be thwarted if our collective society weren't quite so superficial-beauty conscious, but some of it may be residual feral pack species protective instinct. Whatever the source, teaching a child to be a beautiful person without putting labels on everything may not protect them while they are young...but teaching them how to appreciate themselves and how to approach a world that won't always be easy WILL give them a gift that will enrich their lives.
Unfortunately, children who have extreme (and sometimes more subtle) deviations from the "norm" of beautiful will attract ugly behavior from other children. Some of this can be thwarted if our collective society weren't quite so superficial-beauty conscious, but some of it may be residual feral pack species protective instinct. Whatever the source, teaching a child to be a beautiful person without putting labels on everything may not protect them while they are young...but teaching them how to appreciate themselves and how to approach a world that won't always be easy WILL give them a gift that will enrich their lives.
2
Living a long life can give a person a different perspective about personal appearance. Attending my 50th high school reunion several years ago I made several observations:
1. About 1/3 of my former high school classmates were no longer alive, so their appearance no longer mattered.
2. Some of the guys who were considered "handsome" and the girls who were considered to be "beautiful" had experienced the ravages of gravity and time and were no longer either of those. Others aged gracefully.
3. Many of my former classmates who were viewed as "ordinary" or "geeky" during high school blossomed in later life, not only in appearance but also through their accomplishments.
Ultimately, I did not see any significant relationship between what was considered personal attractiveness during youth and the happiness and success of my former classmates after they had lived another a half-century. While I continue to have an appreciation for beauty, I believe that most people become able to see what they want to see and focus on beauty and ugliness in other ways besides personal appearance.
1. About 1/3 of my former high school classmates were no longer alive, so their appearance no longer mattered.
2. Some of the guys who were considered "handsome" and the girls who were considered to be "beautiful" had experienced the ravages of gravity and time and were no longer either of those. Others aged gracefully.
3. Many of my former classmates who were viewed as "ordinary" or "geeky" during high school blossomed in later life, not only in appearance but also through their accomplishments.
Ultimately, I did not see any significant relationship between what was considered personal attractiveness during youth and the happiness and success of my former classmates after they had lived another a half-century. While I continue to have an appreciation for beauty, I believe that most people become able to see what they want to see and focus on beauty and ugliness in other ways besides personal appearance.
580
How true! Recently I heard my doctor boasting about how popular he is now with women ("was preyed upon") at a our local high school 40 yr. reunion. (He was not perceived by my female peers to be particularly alluring in high school.) He and his equally ordinary-looking high school friend (now an anaesthesiologist) are still happily married to their high school sweethearts. Obviously someone meaningful DID find each of them attractive enough, and still do. I thought it uproariously funny that they perceive this as such a victory they now look forward to attending these reunions each year, and without their wives!
What caught my eye was the word "ugliness" - next to a cartoon of an ugly female, of course. Says a lot about our culture.
217
I noticed that too.
1
Lol. I didn't see a female. I saw an odd french circus boy with his bow tie on his head.
Guess it depends on your ethnocentricity.
Guess it depends on your ethnocentricity.
U said a mouthful, Doc! I am truly sorry for being part of a society that discriminates so viciously against unattractive women. Have we no decency?
3
When I was a teenager, my hero was Barbara Jordan. She kind of still is. But I also wanted to be Honey West. Guess--at least in looks if not in accomplishment--looks closer to what I see in the mirror? What a lovely article.
I wonder if I posted this article on Facebook it would slow down the incessant postings of "tell this child he/she is beautiful." How many "hits" would be enough? Especially when in many cases I am pretty sure we are reassuring the parents and adult family members, not the child who at this point is blissfully unaware.
1
And then there's Bradley Cooper who played "The Elephant Man" so eloquently.
Thank you Mr. Cooper. My 10 year old grandson was in the audience one night with me which brought great discussion for us. And I think (and hope) it brought more thought after discussion.
Thank you Mr. Cooper. My 10 year old grandson was in the audience one night with me which brought great discussion for us. And I think (and hope) it brought more thought after discussion.
2
Most of these comments dismissing a handsome or beautiful face are written most likely by people who are not particularly attractive...plain janes.
1
Why does that surprise u?
2
Julia, herself being fair, seems not to understand that in a culture that prizes beauty, it is not enough just to be honest and realistic with children who are less than beautiful. These children should get extra love because the world gives them less attention (or worse) than it gives to the beautiful. Mr. Hoge's story illustrates an extreme example of this. His siblings, it seems, understood this.
8
And how is it that we (Australians & Americans) define and measure beauty? Is it just the symmetrical angularity of our face and its components, our skin complexion and degree of melanin, hair length and density, skeletal shape and proportionality of muscular tissue attached to it? If so, is that why millions spend billions in cosmetic plastic surgery? I can imagine that, for awhile, the most beautiful Neanderthal of all was the one who came back to his cave carrying a tree brach on fire. There he stood at the entrance glowing magnificently until he was clubbed to death by the one who stole it. The rest is history.
4
I've talked with college students who are offended by the idea that appearance matters, including clothes, hair, and makeup. It's fine to say, work with what you have, but quite another to say, don't bother because it's what's inside that counts.
4
As I get older, I get more sensitive to people judging each other and themselves in terms of standards of beauty, and kick myself when I do it. Talent, intelligence, creativity and even grace have nothing to do with today's current "ideal" of beauty in men and women. What is "beautiful" changes with every decade, and every century, but the other qualities do not. There is no objective standard of beauty, so telling a child he/she is ugly does them a disservice. I have a serious problem with ANY parent who doesn't think their child is beautiful, regardless of their appearance.
3
What an amazing coincidence! I sleep with an Eleanor Roosevelt doll every night, too!
(I felt I was too old to sleep with a Barbie Doll.)
1
"...faces that would make a surgeon’s fingers itch."
Nice.
Nice.
3
I learned about the fallacy of ugly in a drawing class in high school, when I was paired with the ugliest boy and spent half an hour sketching his face. I realized that under close observation he his features were actually beautiful, and he too as very pleased with the result. I never looked at people the same way again.
I also remember from that time how the "beautiful" kids were treated-- as Kurt Vonnegut wrote, it is the fate of beautiful people to have their boundaries constantly violated. I remember one girl in particular who was driven to damage some of the features she was born with, perhaps so that she would be left in peace.
I also remember from that time how the "beautiful" kids were treated-- as Kurt Vonnegut wrote, it is the fate of beautiful people to have their boundaries constantly violated. I remember one girl in particular who was driven to damage some of the features she was born with, perhaps so that she would be left in peace.
8
Hey, DJBF, the grass is always greener. Unattractive people have their boundaries constantly violated even worse. No wonder some of us r constantly damaging our bodies, with plastic surgery and eating disorders.
6
For the most part, what we perceive as beauty is symmetry. At some time in our evolution, symmetrical faces and limbs were markers of strong health. At this point, minor asymmetry shouldn't be a concern and is often charming (think of Harrison Ford's crooked smile).
4
What condescension and noblesse oblige this good-looking writer, who can be secure in the knowledge that she will never suffer the summary judgment that unattractive people regularly endure, exhibits. And what deep lack of understanding.
Unattractive or overweight children learn quickly that they can expect to suffer bullying and social disadvantage. Pretty Mommy might buy her daughter a non-beautiful doll representing a famous (non-beautiful) woman. But everyone else will give the daughter dolls with conventionally pretty faces and thin bodies. The ineffective (and offensive) tokenism of the ugly doll--whose face and body must be seen as representing a singularly famous woman to justify her inclusion in the doll world at all--is lost on no one.
Unattractive or overweight children learn quickly that they can expect to suffer bullying and social disadvantage. Pretty Mommy might buy her daughter a non-beautiful doll representing a famous (non-beautiful) woman. But everyone else will give the daughter dolls with conventionally pretty faces and thin bodies. The ineffective (and offensive) tokenism of the ugly doll--whose face and body must be seen as representing a singularly famous woman to justify her inclusion in the doll world at all--is lost on no one.
9
"but the kids who are short aren't only short"
If they wind up as I have, a 5'5"male who is, at best, plain looking, and have no outstanding offsets, then harsh reality will eventually set in.
That's when you realize that keeping to yourself, not trying to have any friends, and detesting fate is going to be your lot in life.
If they wind up as I have, a 5'5"male who is, at best, plain looking, and have no outstanding offsets, then harsh reality will eventually set in.
That's when you realize that keeping to yourself, not trying to have any friends, and detesting fate is going to be your lot in life.
84
Whose fault is it that you have no outstanding qualities? The vast majority of adults don't care about appearance beyond hygiene- what matters is kindness and vitality and humor. All of those are things that you can improve upon just by practicing. Find a passion and practice until you are good at it. Find like-minded people... Easy in the age of the Internet. You hate fate because you think it controls you, when there is nobody more in control of your life than you.
5
Indigo,
You are way too hard on yourself.
You are way too hard on yourself.
2
Wall Street is filled with unattractive men, and women, who realized when they were young that they best bring something else to the table...money...because they did not win the 'looks lottery'.
Work with what you have, rather than waste time 'detesting fate'.
Work with what you have, rather than waste time 'detesting fate'.
1
This argument skirts the issue of who has appointed us to be arbiters of human beauty? Every day in the supermarket I encounter very large women happily paired off - often with a passel of kids in tow. Someone forgot to tell them that the editors of Vogue or the ladies who lunch would find them repulsive. We really need to get over ourselves and respect everyone's need and right to pursue happiness.
149
Although there are variations in the particulars among cultures, there are standards of beauty that cut across all cultures, and generally they have to do with symmetry, proportion, and general outward show of health. There is no culture in which Quasimodo is beautiful.
It has also been observed that, all other things being equal (which they never really are), we tend to mate with those of roughly equal attractiveness, 10s with 10s, 6s with 6s, 3s with 3s, etc. (So I can guess what that woman's hubby looks like.) Perhaps the beautiful pair off with each other not because of snobbery, but because only someone equally attractive can see past it and approach with neither worship nor scorn.
Funny - we don't derogate the genius for not choosing a less intelligent mate.
It has also been observed that, all other things being equal (which they never really are), we tend to mate with those of roughly equal attractiveness, 10s with 10s, 6s with 6s, 3s with 3s, etc. (So I can guess what that woman's hubby looks like.) Perhaps the beautiful pair off with each other not because of snobbery, but because only someone equally attractive can see past it and approach with neither worship nor scorn.
Funny - we don't derogate the genius for not choosing a less intelligent mate.
4
This is an excellent article, but i can see that many commenters are missing its blunt, realistic but hopeful point: ugliness exists (it is real), but it is only one factor. This message applies to much more than ugliness. We all have flaws, but each is only one of our characteristics. We should not over disempower ourselves be uase of them: we can succeed on our own terms based on other factors. Being hopeful but realistic is a good attitude for success. By the way, beauty is also only one characteristic: even beautiful people have flaws in other departments. As they say, no one is perfect. It is helpful to keep perspective. And humility.
57
To most mothers, their children are the most beautiful people in the world. This author seems to be obsessed with appearance. Most mothers feel unconditional love for their children. Why would any mother who loves her child ever tell her child he/she is not attractive?
This author seems too concerned with physical appearance, and her examples of people born with physical defects is really inappropriate.
This author seems too concerned with physical appearance, and her examples of people born with physical defects is really inappropriate.
13
Did you read the part about the author of the book being discussed being left at the hospital by his mother? If the article doesn't refer to your experience then maybe you need to read the article again or move on.
It's an article about physical appearance and you're saying the writer is too concerned with physical appearances. She's written other articles.
It's an article about physical appearance and you're saying the writer is too concerned with physical appearances. She's written other articles.
2
That is really not true. A biological mother does not choose her child and the children are not exactly alike. Even worse, a biological mother has about 20 years to distort any minor flaw into absolute failure.
1
you are living in a fantasy world if you think "most" mothers are so great. Many are neglectful, uncaring or worse.
5
There is probably much truth in this article, but I don't believe it's true for everyone. Maybe I'm an exception, but I've always, always just valued the person - not their looks - looks are just packaging.
Now, no one has ever run up to me, begging to take my picture. But neither have they tried to put a bag over my head. One day, even a Kim Kardashian will no longer be any more attractive than your average bear, because age is the great equalizer. At that point, it really is what's been inside the package all along that has meaning.
Now, no one has ever run up to me, begging to take my picture. But neither have they tried to put a bag over my head. One day, even a Kim Kardashian will no longer be any more attractive than your average bear, because age is the great equalizer. At that point, it really is what's been inside the package all along that has meaning.
7
Ah, lest you forget, the Kim K's of the word don't age. The plastic surgeons will ensure this.
Looks-ism is really two things with distinct moral implications. First there is pro-beautyism, a tilt in favor of handsome or beautiful people, in hiring, for example. Tastes in beauty differ, and almost everyone who isn't ugly is beautiful to someone. So pro-beautyism doesn't always help or hurt the same people. Second there is anti-uglyism. Sadly there is impressive consensus about who is ugly, So anti-uglyism hurts the same people again and again. Pro-beautyism can be compared to localism, which doesn't always hurt the same people because everybody's from somewhere. Anti-uglyism can be compared to gender bias, which almost always victimizes the same people, namely women. We need to worry about the latter, and less about the former.
20
first of all I would like to point out the obvious, that beauty is subjective and cultural and the reality of that should be taught as well. Beauty like wealth is as a friend says, sometimes a blessing always a burden. Teaching that beauty is each person reaching their full potential seems like the best solution.
7
8 billion per year ... What we Americans spend on cosmetics. Yes, we are terrified of being left behind, because we simply are not acceptable as we are. This figure is a frightening indictment of a society that has lost its way.
28
Because we instinctively but erroneously extrapolate from good looks to talent, it makes sense to actively discriminate against the good-lookers, since they are likely to be less intrinsically talented than we initially estimate, and more likely to have merely benefitted from their initial advantage. Such reverse discrimination would also go somewhere towards greater fairness.
3
Actually, while we all can name exceptions personally, nationally, and even internationally, beautiful people are often the same who are talented mentally and physically according to sociology studies. To say life isn't fair is to say the truth. So what do we do? Our best. When we are our best selves at our endeavors we also allow others to see the many forms that beauty takes. A beautiful spirit will always surpass physical beauty.
The PC and uglieness diversity squad will not like this article.
13
We should get you a an Easy button that just posts this point over and over, just paraphrasing it just for kicks.
3
On the other hand, I think that a guy who—jokingly, I assume—posits the existence of a "PC and uglieness (sic) diversity squad" will like this article because it gives him the rare chance to share his witty and original take with the handful of other readers who, like myself, are intelligent and good-looking enough to appreciate it.
To say a person is beautiful isn't really a compliment. It is merely a comment on genetics. The same if he/she is not. As for children, the most important things by far are to talk to them and read to them and listen to them. Pretty or plain, their development into confident and successful adults has everything to do with how we talk to them as children. As for adults, I am much more impressed with someone who has something useful or important to say than someone who simply looks good. Beauty is a distraction.
30
Tell this to Fox News... and the others of their ilk
2
I'm reminded of George Carlin (as I so often am when I read any news or commentary whatsoever), this time his riffs on ethnic pride. You can't truly be proud, he said, of being American, or Irish, or whatever, because you had nothing to do with it. It's the result of random chance, not an achievement. Beauty is largely the same story.
4
Not quite. Beauty does take some effort. If you've ever seen someone who let him/herself go to seed, you'll understand.
Interestingly, no one on this thread has pointed out the NYT's adulation of Caitlyn (ne Bruce) Jenner and other male-to-female trans. No one ever sees a transvestite or M-to-F transsexual dress down the way XX females by birth - even very attractive ones - do. They put on stillettos and full makeup to take out the recyclables.
Bruce Jenner, when he first burst on the scene, was about exceptional athletic accomplishment. Caitlyn Jenner is all about the pursuit of those superficial physical attributes almost everyone on this thread is stridently denouncing. I'd've been more impressed with a Vanity Fair cover that showed the remade Jenner in curlers and a ratty bathrobe, or sweatpants.
And NYT readers, in brainless pursuit of PC, applaud and encourage Jenner et al. for pursuing via artifice a superficial ideal that they condemn when it appears naturally. Like Hans Christian Andersen's Emperor, they love the clockwork nightingale and spurn the real one.
Interestingly, no one on this thread has pointed out the NYT's adulation of Caitlyn (ne Bruce) Jenner and other male-to-female trans. No one ever sees a transvestite or M-to-F transsexual dress down the way XX females by birth - even very attractive ones - do. They put on stillettos and full makeup to take out the recyclables.
Bruce Jenner, when he first burst on the scene, was about exceptional athletic accomplishment. Caitlyn Jenner is all about the pursuit of those superficial physical attributes almost everyone on this thread is stridently denouncing. I'd've been more impressed with a Vanity Fair cover that showed the remade Jenner in curlers and a ratty bathrobe, or sweatpants.
And NYT readers, in brainless pursuit of PC, applaud and encourage Jenner et al. for pursuing via artifice a superficial ideal that they condemn when it appears naturally. Like Hans Christian Andersen's Emperor, they love the clockwork nightingale and spurn the real one.
1
Ideals of beauty effect all of us, but especially girls and women. As far as I can tell, most societies living above subsistence see beauty as synonymous with being female. A girl or woman is perceived as fully human if she is attractive, but pathetic, angry or misguided if she is not. Thankfully, most women and girls realize the limitations of that ideology; tragically, many do not. I agree with the author that parents need to help nurture their children's inner selves, to cope with a world that is much more conditional.
26
Thinking back to school days, the most popular kids were not necessarily the handsomest or prettiest (but, to be sure, usually not the ugliest, either). Regardless of how beautiful our parents tell us we are, most of us can look around and get a sense of where we are in the pecking order. And, sensing that our looks may not open every door as we wish they might, many work hard on the other important aspects of social personality: humor, empathy, wit, the ability to tell a good story.
12
Many get plastic surgery, or continue being bullied.
2
It takes unusual talent in fields our society values, think athletics and musical and acting talent, to overcome appearance deficits. Of course buttressed by hard work.
Due to some hard experiences in life, I don't think in categories like 'ugly' or 'beautiful' when I look at people. Without this kind of judgment towards other people, there is much more to discover in people, often surprising abilities and interesting beauties. Unfortunately our society is obsessed with looks.
10
This may not be a popular response, but I find this option piece tragic. It's couched in all the right terms of being honest and helpful, but it feels like a betrayal of the worst kind. If one's own mother can't speak gentle words of assurances of being beautiful, I consider that a failure on the parental level. I am not representing the rest of this screwed up world. I am representing unconditional love and a gaze on my child that will always see beauty no matter what. It's not an act. It's what I see and by sharing what I see I intend to change the world to others, not others to what is wrong with the world.
567
Completely agree. I think the author is projecting --a quick Google image search tells us Ms Baird herself is deeply concerned with physical beauty.
3
Children know when they're being lied to, or figure it out pretty quickly the first time the lie bumps up against objective reality. A child who knows he or she is not physically beautiful - or naturally intelligent, or graceful, or good at games, or able to sing well, or whatever - learns only to distrust the parent who insists otherwise. Moreover, that parent is, perhaps unwittingly, underscoring and reinforcing the importance of the attribute that is lacking. To be without it is implicitly so shameful that one can't even acknowledge it.
There are also people - I've seen it, and it's not pretty - who cannot love anyone who isn't damaged in some way, because they are threatened by anyone's accomplishment. They can love only those who will never make them feel inferior. And BTW there is no such thing as unconditional love - but that's a separate discussion.
In my 20s, I was considered pretty. And I'm generally acknowledged as smart. But I can't sing, I can't dance, and I'm short. Refusing to acknowledge that will not make me melodic, graceful, or tall; it would only make me look ridiculous.
There are also people - I've seen it, and it's not pretty - who cannot love anyone who isn't damaged in some way, because they are threatened by anyone's accomplishment. They can love only those who will never make them feel inferior. And BTW there is no such thing as unconditional love - but that's a separate discussion.
In my 20s, I was considered pretty. And I'm generally acknowledged as smart. But I can't sing, I can't dance, and I'm short. Refusing to acknowledge that will not make me melodic, graceful, or tall; it would only make me look ridiculous.
7
Lovingly said; thank you.
1
Anthropologically speaking, symmetrical features, pleasantly spaced and sized eyes, full lips, high cheek bones or a combination of such things that add up to what we consider attractive are markers of health and status.
People are attracted to others who exhibit these traits because we are wired as animals to respond to them as mates with good genes. Rather than get bogged down convincing everyone that all sneetches with or without star bellies are equal, wouldn't it be easier to simply teach a child why it is in society that certain features are favored over others.
We are, in the end, just high functioning animals with occasionally low functioning traits, often connected to the primal need to procreate and propagate our species.
People are attracted to others who exhibit these traits because we are wired as animals to respond to them as mates with good genes. Rather than get bogged down convincing everyone that all sneetches with or without star bellies are equal, wouldn't it be easier to simply teach a child why it is in society that certain features are favored over others.
We are, in the end, just high functioning animals with occasionally low functioning traits, often connected to the primal need to procreate and propagate our species.
44
Says who we are wired as animals to respond to certain traits? By your logic there should be either very few people, or very few who are not good looking.
5
No, DJBF, because we wind up with mates approximately equal to our own attractiveness. We may all want to wed a 10, but 3s marry 3s, 6s marry 6s, etc.
The logic not only stands, it's been proven over and over in observational tests.
The logic not only stands, it's been proven over and over in observational tests.
DJBF: '...Says who we are wired as animals to respond to certain traits?...'
Our DNA.
Our DNA.
This is an ugly duckling of an article. A duckling does not have a mind. A child does.
3
Are adults REALLY all that defensive with children when someone is described as not conventionally attractive? My sense is that enough practical wisdom has been disseminated via mass distribution means such as TV that the more common response is that people have different advantages, and that success depends to a great extent on how well each develops his or her specific advantages, and how hard he or she works.
For my own part when discussing this issue with the very young, I like to point out that the very good looking tend to rely excessively on that one advantage and tend to let any others that the individual may possess atrophy, or never develop at all meaningfully. Mr. Hoge’s example is a good one – he was FORCED to develop other advantages quite relevant to success BECAUSE he lacked pleasing features; and as a consequence he captured not only success but actual distinction. Other examples of the very successful while not favored by good looks abound.
Everybody seeks success by their own definition, and everyone must surmount barriers to get there. In some it’s a lack of good looks, in some it’s a lack of creativity, in some it’s a lack of energy, in some it’s a lack of a nurturing family, and there are many other type of barriers. Making excuses that success is hard to capture because the barriers exist does nothing to surmount the barriers. We all need to find our own ways to do this, and this is the message I believe is most valuable to convey to children.
For my own part when discussing this issue with the very young, I like to point out that the very good looking tend to rely excessively on that one advantage and tend to let any others that the individual may possess atrophy, or never develop at all meaningfully. Mr. Hoge’s example is a good one – he was FORCED to develop other advantages quite relevant to success BECAUSE he lacked pleasing features; and as a consequence he captured not only success but actual distinction. Other examples of the very successful while not favored by good looks abound.
Everybody seeks success by their own definition, and everyone must surmount barriers to get there. In some it’s a lack of good looks, in some it’s a lack of creativity, in some it’s a lack of energy, in some it’s a lack of a nurturing family, and there are many other type of barriers. Making excuses that success is hard to capture because the barriers exist does nothing to surmount the barriers. We all need to find our own ways to do this, and this is the message I believe is most valuable to convey to children.
5
An odd subject given Julia Baird's extraordinary good looks.
9
But the fact is our perception of ugliness or beauty IS affected by qualities beside physical features. I have more than once been introduced to someone whom I initially found to be not particularly attractive. As I got to know the person over the months and that person turned out to be intelligent, funny, warm and kind, my physical perception of that person had altered and now I thought the person was rather comely.
So perception of outer beauty is influenced by familiarity with the person's inner beauty.
So perception of outer beauty is influenced by familiarity with the person's inner beauty.
55
And the other way as well-- someone I thought was really attractive at first, who it turns out has nothing else to offer, becomes a person who is just not that physically attractive. Sometimes that is the curse of the extraordinarily beautiful woman-- she thinks "girls don't like me because they are jealous that I am so pretty," when in fact it is because she is not very likable, never having developed other more important qualities-- empathy, humor, listening skills, etc. .
5
The vast majority of really beautiful men and women are incredibly boring (read or watch any celebrity interview), as they never had to do anything but just show up to get people interested in them.
Then, as they age and beauty fades, as it always does, they become bitter and desperate, as they do not understand why they have no friends.
It is better to be considered 'attractive', which has a wide range, than beautiful, as 'personality' ages so much better.
Then, as they age and beauty fades, as it always does, they become bitter and desperate, as they do not understand why they have no friends.
It is better to be considered 'attractive', which has a wide range, than beautiful, as 'personality' ages so much better.
Being honest with children is important, but the writer confuses taste with fact. Many people find the faces of Angelina Jolie, Uma Thurman, Julie Roberts and other Hollywood beauties far from the ideal. So are they ugly? Says who?
17
When millions of people agree that Angeline is attractive, that is not "taste".
Similarly, if hundreds of people agree that the Elephant man is unattractive, that is also not "taste".
You need to get a grip of reality.
Similarly, if hundreds of people agree that the Elephant man is unattractive, that is also not "taste".
You need to get a grip of reality.
5
What they are is Interesting to look at.
Is anyone actually telling his or her children that looks don't matter at all? If the subject of looks come up, it is likely because the child has been confronted with the fact that looks DO matter and the parent is trying to reassure the child that they are not the most important thing. That is laudable. Children will, after all, learn, and learn very early, that looks matter. They need parents to reassure them that they matter less than some people might have them believe. It is not the role of parents to introduce children to the more unpleasant facts of life. It is the role of parents to reassure children that those facts are not so bad as they seem (see: http://mgpiety.org/2012/11/19/on-parenting/)
12
Similar to everyone being a 'special snowflake', there is pressure to call everyone 'beautiful'. Someone it is socially required to say every girl is beautiful and by not doing so it is injurious to their fragile psyche.
10
Someone who is flat out gorgeous finds inspiration in a story written by a man who is extremely homely, according to his own descriptions and the image finder on Google.
The response? Buy your daughter an Eleanor Roosevelt doll and contemplate whether ugly children are told they're ugly before others do?
The response? Buy your daughter an Eleanor Roosevelt doll and contemplate whether ugly children are told they're ugly before others do?
27
If you did not see Ms. Baird's photo, what would your reaction to the story be? Is it possible that she was not always considered conventionally beautiful, or even she was that she did not feel it? Or that she has not lost a breast to cancer or her hair, or had a beautiful mother who did? And as Simone Weil points out about power, beauty is transient. Is it possible that this topic is important to her because someone she loves has low self-esteem because of feeling ugly? Or perhaps she wants a beautiful daughter not to be over impressed with her looks, but search for something deeper.
Every time I told my daughter she was beautiful, she always said I thought so because I am her mother. Oh, no, I said. I would know if I had ugly children. I would love you anyway, but I would know. I think what she's saying is that we know when people are lying to us. She is saying that parents should focus not on trying to make children feel physically beautiful, if they are not, but instill a sense of pride in the gifts that they have. As your comment suggests, beauty is not a toll free gift itself, but can inspire resentment and distrust.
Every time I told my daughter she was beautiful, she always said I thought so because I am her mother. Oh, no, I said. I would know if I had ugly children. I would love you anyway, but I would know. I think what she's saying is that we know when people are lying to us. She is saying that parents should focus not on trying to make children feel physically beautiful, if they are not, but instill a sense of pride in the gifts that they have. As your comment suggests, beauty is not a toll free gift itself, but can inspire resentment and distrust.
1
Wanda: Thanks for your thoughtful reply. There's a fantastic piece by Jenna Lyons about "the skirt that changed her life." She was born with a genetic defect that made her "ugly." It's about her reaction, and what helped, and what didn't. Andy while she knew she was ugly, other people pointing it out was devastating. Well worth a read.
http://www.lennyletter.com/style/news/a142/the-watermelon-skirt/
http://www.lennyletter.com/style/news/a142/the-watermelon-skirt/
1
We all have aspects that are regarded as flaws, but I wonder if being "ugly" is as bad as being "fat" or "short". Makeup and, in extreme cases, surgery can transform an ugly duckling into a swan, after all, but height and body composition, even the latter of which is now thought to have genetic and/or environmental drivers, are not as easily changed.
One of my children's teachers had a call-in homework help show on public access tv many years ago. As you can imagine, callers sometimes took advantage of the live format to be rude. One day, the impertinent question from one of the students calling in was, "Why are you so ugly?" The teacher, who was not by any means fazed, quickly replied, "At least I'm ugly only on the outside." I think that about says it all with regard to appearance-based harassment.
One of my children's teachers had a call-in homework help show on public access tv many years ago. As you can imagine, callers sometimes took advantage of the live format to be rude. One day, the impertinent question from one of the students calling in was, "Why are you so ugly?" The teacher, who was not by any means fazed, quickly replied, "At least I'm ugly only on the outside." I think that about says it all with regard to appearance-based harassment.
124
I have always been heavy. By that I mean that in high school, I was hovering around size 12-14. You can imagine that as a high schooler, I was intensely sensitive about my weight.
My mother said something to me at that high school age which I have carried with me ever since. "You are pretty enough" By that she meant that, while accepting that I was not the raving beauty I deeply wished to be, my looks would neither help nor materiallly hurt me. You may think such a statement sounds harsh, but it was not. It was thoughtful, truthful advice, and it was the lifeline I held onto in those bad times when I avoided looking in mirrors and thought I was far less than "pretty enough".
And, in the end, it was true. I have been successful both in love and professionally. (though, alas, I am now more than that youthful size 12-14) I probably would have been more successful if i were, indeed, more than just "pretty enough", but I am OK with where I came out and I am thankful for that advice that stays with me still.
My mother said something to me at that high school age which I have carried with me ever since. "You are pretty enough" By that she meant that, while accepting that I was not the raving beauty I deeply wished to be, my looks would neither help nor materiallly hurt me. You may think such a statement sounds harsh, but it was not. It was thoughtful, truthful advice, and it was the lifeline I held onto in those bad times when I avoided looking in mirrors and thought I was far less than "pretty enough".
And, in the end, it was true. I have been successful both in love and professionally. (though, alas, I am now more than that youthful size 12-14) I probably would have been more successful if i were, indeed, more than just "pretty enough", but I am OK with where I came out and I am thankful for that advice that stays with me still.
301
What a great answer and wonderful example to your children! And how wonderful that they found (and I'll bet still find) you beautiful).
1
"Pretty enough" is a fine way to go through life. I was okay-looking but no beauty, and remember being described as 'healthy-looking' by someone in high school. This was a great advantage, as far as I was concerned. Why? Because it made me focus on developing my other attributes. I was intelligent, creative and funny. I did well in school and my wit helped me stand up to bullies.
There are people who put all their eggs into the looks basket. And they don't spend as much effort developing talents that can sustain them when their looks fade, as we all will experience with age. It's a lot easier to be happy in middle age and beyond if looks were never all that central to your own self-esteem.
However, what if you aren't just meh in the looks department, but have to deal with a really disfigured appearance? This is unfair, but life is unfair. And kids (and adults) can be very cruel. I want to read Mr. Hoge's children's book "Ugly" but I'd really like to read a memoir to hear more about his personal story. My son just read the fictional YA book Wonder, which also deals with this theme.
There are people who put all their eggs into the looks basket. And they don't spend as much effort developing talents that can sustain them when their looks fade, as we all will experience with age. It's a lot easier to be happy in middle age and beyond if looks were never all that central to your own self-esteem.
However, what if you aren't just meh in the looks department, but have to deal with a really disfigured appearance? This is unfair, but life is unfair. And kids (and adults) can be very cruel. I want to read Mr. Hoge's children's book "Ugly" but I'd really like to read a memoir to hear more about his personal story. My son just read the fictional YA book Wonder, which also deals with this theme.
4
Do you really think pay attention to or even needs parents to explain what is painfully obvious to anyone from the first day of kindergarten. This hard life lesson is taught every waking moment on the playground, on TV, among friends, even in church.
7
The same culture that decided against all reason that the Kardashians are famous also applauds loudly when Dancing with the Stars awards its mirrorball to a disfigured war hero and, currently, falls head over heels for a plucky, plain daughter of a deceased TV personality. We are able to judge people on things other than looks. We are like the frustrated nicotine addict when it comes to beautiful, however. We are hopelessly attracted. I guess that'll change when peahens swoon over a peacock with a Mohawk.
4
Wait a minute, peahens although very plain are extremely attractive to peacocks. Why, they go to great preening lengths just to get the peahens to look at them!
2
Ugly is an attitude that shows up first like a slick veneer. I interact with many different faces and bodies but it is always the visceral feeling that is given off by one's psychiological and emotional state that will leave me with a characterization of that person. I love seeing the full spectrum of what makes human faces unique! That is one thing that connects us all.
16
There was a cartoon in "The New Yorker" a few years
ago. One woman tells another woman at a bar:
"Beauty, is life's Easy-Pass".
ago. One woman tells another woman at a bar:
"Beauty, is life's Easy-Pass".
241
I don't know about that. I can think of a few instances where it seems to have been a burden as well.
6
Beauty may be 'life's EZ Pass,' but it comes with an expiry date. Particularly for women. Robert Frost:
The witch that came (the withered hag)
To wash the steps with pail and rag
Was once the beauty Abishag,
The picture pride of Hollywood.
Too many fall from great and good
For you to doubt the likelihood.
Given that time and age eventually steal all gifts, it seems exceptionally churlish to begrudge people the enjoyment of their attributes during the time they have them, whether it's the star athlete, the brilliant brain, or the great beauty. As Hamlet bade Yorick's skull: 'get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come; make her laugh at that.'
The witch that came (the withered hag)
To wash the steps with pail and rag
Was once the beauty Abishag,
The picture pride of Hollywood.
Too many fall from great and good
For you to doubt the likelihood.
Given that time and age eventually steal all gifts, it seems exceptionally churlish to begrudge people the enjoyment of their attributes during the time they have them, whether it's the star athlete, the brilliant brain, or the great beauty. As Hamlet bade Yorick's skull: 'get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come; make her laugh at that.'
4
My daughter came home from kindergarten and said she had hit a boy because he said her mommy was fat and ugly. My response was dont hit him when he is telling the truth. I am fat but i have a loving husband, i am fat and i have a good job, i am fat but can walk four miles a day, i am fat but i have good friends.......
135
Your young daughter has admirable traits of family loyalty and discernment of rude behavior. Bravo to her for teaching that boy a lesson that his parents had overlooked.
You're a good parent to teach her that hitting is not the way to resolve conflict, but don't be too hard on her. I suspect that her teachers were inwardly applauding.
Maybe get her into a martial arts class...
You're a good parent to teach her that hitting is not the way to resolve conflict, but don't be too hard on her. I suspect that her teachers were inwardly applauding.
Maybe get her into a martial arts class...
1
Sometimes beauty is a curse that others can't see beyond.
23
I used to let my grandmothers comment " it's a good thing you have slim ankles, you are a very homely girl" , be a definer of my life. That was until after hearing a comment that my godmother was physically ugly. My mother said to me " you don't see that because you see her with love and know she is kind, caring and generous with her heart. I try to look at people as whole not just there physical appearance.
33
Like so much good advice, easier said than done.
13
Many a young girl has turned to diet pills, laxatives and become bulimic due to being told by someone "you're too fat." The "in crowd" often finds it so much fun to make fun of someone they deem unattractive or with an obvious disfigurement that the person targeted finds their life in school a living nightmare. Bullying is done in subtle as well as very obvious and observeble ways.
Take for instance D. Trump's comment about the face of one of his opponents for the GOP nomination. He implied it was so unattractive it would be ridiculous to have her in the WH. She certainly is no raving beauty, but when did the presidential race become a beauty contest?
We won't be honest to our children because we don't want to hurt them or make them feel that their looks are all there is to them. But by not facing the fact they are unattractive and doing whatever we can within reason to modify it is also unhelpful. Beauty may be only skin deep, but the average person isn't capable of looking at more than the outside and dismissing it without taking the time to investigate what is inside.
Too many people think that good looks also means the person is good, which has benefited many a con artist and many a killer.
Take for instance D. Trump's comment about the face of one of his opponents for the GOP nomination. He implied it was so unattractive it would be ridiculous to have her in the WH. She certainly is no raving beauty, but when did the presidential race become a beauty contest?
We won't be honest to our children because we don't want to hurt them or make them feel that their looks are all there is to them. But by not facing the fact they are unattractive and doing whatever we can within reason to modify it is also unhelpful. Beauty may be only skin deep, but the average person isn't capable of looking at more than the outside and dismissing it without taking the time to investigate what is inside.
Too many people think that good looks also means the person is good, which has benefited many a con artist and many a killer.
206
And, really, The Donald is attractive? It always galls me that older, not so great looking men can be so unaware of their own repulsiveness, not because they are so physically unattractive but because their manners and character are so ugly. It amazes me that these men think younger, beautiful women find them irresistible just because they are so awesome. Most would not be at all attractive without their money and power.
43
Regarding your Trump comment: I have often asked myself the same question about HIS face --- not because of the face itself, but because of the contemptuous sneer that always seems to be on it.
9
The presidential race has been about looks as far back as the Kennedy/Nixon debate was televised. I have always heard that those who listened on radio thought Nixon won, but those who watched on TV thought Kennedy won. It seems that Nixon committed the unpardonable sin of sweating.
2
As I always said, sometimes the ugly duckling just becomes an ugly duck.
The author's point is well taken and valid, but (there's always a 'but') the ugly underside of the proclamations that beauty isn't everything is an insistence on going to the other extreme, that is, to insist it isn't anything, that in fact beauty is shallow, worthless, etc. Or somehow unfair and undeserved because it's partly due to 'good genes' - although 'good genes' play a role in almost every virtue, including physical strength, intelligence, grace, musical or other talents.
At the root, it's envy - the ugliest of the seven deadly sins.
Beauty is not the only virtue envy attacks via scorn: The non-athlete assumes the athlete is a stupid brute; the C student insists the tests he can't ace 'don't measure anything.' (One needs only to read the NYT comments regularly to see this twisted pseudo-egalitarianism.) Insufficient room to explore fully here, but to sum: The smart, handsome, and strong, hated by the stupid, ugly, and weak, and often manifested in smarmy Uriah Heepery (I'm ever so 'umble).
I was an ugly duckling kid who got to be a swan in my 20s, so I've seen both sides. Beauty is like brains, strength, grace, erudition, wealth - it isn't everything. But it isn't nothing, either. And just as you can't make everyone tall by abolishing yardsticks, or everyone smart by abolishing tests, you can't make everyone beautiful by abolishing the concept of beauty.
The author's point is well taken and valid, but (there's always a 'but') the ugly underside of the proclamations that beauty isn't everything is an insistence on going to the other extreme, that is, to insist it isn't anything, that in fact beauty is shallow, worthless, etc. Or somehow unfair and undeserved because it's partly due to 'good genes' - although 'good genes' play a role in almost every virtue, including physical strength, intelligence, grace, musical or other talents.
At the root, it's envy - the ugliest of the seven deadly sins.
Beauty is not the only virtue envy attacks via scorn: The non-athlete assumes the athlete is a stupid brute; the C student insists the tests he can't ace 'don't measure anything.' (One needs only to read the NYT comments regularly to see this twisted pseudo-egalitarianism.) Insufficient room to explore fully here, but to sum: The smart, handsome, and strong, hated by the stupid, ugly, and weak, and often manifested in smarmy Uriah Heepery (I'm ever so 'umble).
I was an ugly duckling kid who got to be a swan in my 20s, so I've seen both sides. Beauty is like brains, strength, grace, erudition, wealth - it isn't everything. But it isn't nothing, either. And just as you can't make everyone tall by abolishing yardsticks, or everyone smart by abolishing tests, you can't make everyone beautiful by abolishing the concept of beauty.
51
I grew up in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan which was, for all practical purposes, Lake Wobegon - where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking and all the children are above average. Both my mother and grandmother would often tell my brother and me how handsome we were. When I was about 12 my father took me aside and gave me a more honest appraisal and went on to explain why it didn't matter, and how it was, in some ways, an advantage. It was a seminal moment in my life and I've always appreciated it.
I remember reading somewhere that our social perception of 'attractive' is really based on a judgment of facial and body characteristics that are 'average' or common. i.e. we are looking for the absence of anything out of the ordinary. It is in any case the most superficial of standards. Whether our children fit the attractiveness standard or fall somewhere outside those bounds we should clearly communicate that to them.
lastly, I will confess that I practice what is probably reverse discrimination in that regard. If I encounter a stranger, I realize that I will often dismiss the pretty and handsome out of hand, assuming they are more likely to be shallow than those with more unusual characteristics. I suppose I should get over that but I can't be the only who does it. At any rate I'm not so sure that 'attractive' is really all it's cracked up to be, even among the general public.
I remember reading somewhere that our social perception of 'attractive' is really based on a judgment of facial and body characteristics that are 'average' or common. i.e. we are looking for the absence of anything out of the ordinary. It is in any case the most superficial of standards. Whether our children fit the attractiveness standard or fall somewhere outside those bounds we should clearly communicate that to them.
lastly, I will confess that I practice what is probably reverse discrimination in that regard. If I encounter a stranger, I realize that I will often dismiss the pretty and handsome out of hand, assuming they are more likely to be shallow than those with more unusual characteristics. I suppose I should get over that but I can't be the only who does it. At any rate I'm not so sure that 'attractive' is really all it's cracked up to be, even among the general public.
19
A very thought-provoking essay. Still, the association of physical beauty with other positive qualities is only partly true. A boy or girl whose appearance resembles that of a movie star sometimes confronts the assumption that he must be shallow or not very smart. After all, blonde jokes are not directed at ugly girls.
The reality may be that most people feel comfortable with ilndividuals who resemble themselves in appearance. Women who are either far more attractive or uglier than average tend to provoke reactions. While pretty women and handsome men clearly enjoy an advantage, extreme beauty may shrink that advantage.
The reality may be that most people feel comfortable with ilndividuals who resemble themselves in appearance. Women who are either far more attractive or uglier than average tend to provoke reactions. While pretty women and handsome men clearly enjoy an advantage, extreme beauty may shrink that advantage.
8
Let me add that Barbie and Ken are boring.
52
"No one is only just one thing" sounds like a very healthy message for kids to hear. Another one is "in order to have a decent life in the USA today, on needs to be above average, on the whole." Children with a deficit in the beauty department need to be encouraged to not give up, as suggested by the first message, but that they must be better than their peers in some or all other qualities that enable one to succeed financially, such as good grades, and sports skills.
13
This can be a useful framework for discussing race as well.
10
I love the Meeskite song, from "Caberet", especially the kicker of the last verse (with the backdrop of course being perhaps the ugliest regime in history, though it may arguably have looked beautiful from the outside).
Moral, moral
Yes indeed the story has a
Moral, moral
"Though you not a beauty
It is nevertheless quite true
There may be beautiful things in you".
Meeskite, meeskite
Listen to a fable of the
Meeskite, meeskite
Anyone responsible for loveliness large or small
Is not a meeskite at all!
Moral, moral
Yes indeed the story has a
Moral, moral
"Though you not a beauty
It is nevertheless quite true
There may be beautiful things in you".
Meeskite, meeskite
Listen to a fable of the
Meeskite, meeskite
Anyone responsible for loveliness large or small
Is not a meeskite at all!
5
"meeskite" means "ugly" in Yiddish
7
Thanks Ellen :)
I'm not sure how much the opinions expressed in this article have to do with the author's being Australian and how much my reaction to it is shaped by my being American, but I find myself offended that a person who fits both cultures' paradigm for attractiveness, and whose picture demonstrating this is posted at the top of the article for all to see, is telling us that those who aren't as non-ugly as she is (i.e. most of humanity) should accept our biologically-determined place in the world as the ugly people we are instead of questioning the metrics we use by which we judge attractiveness - perhaps because doing so would rob Ms. Baird of her biologically-determined aesthetic superiority. I understand that she is writing to report on Mr. Hoge's story, but this piece may be more about the writer's own story than she intended.
In the final paragraph she tells us that her daughter "accumulated" a large number of Barbie dolls, but that she "decided to buy her" the Eleanor Roosevelt doll. Does that mean her daughter bought her own dolls? Perhaps she got them from another relative, but still, the switch from passive to active voice implies that she bears no responsibility for the Barbie dolls appearing in her daughter's room in the first place.
This article is self-serving - being ugly's OK, but only those with Ms. Baird's looks can be "beautiful". Neither she nor Mr. Hoge got to choose what they look like, but we can choose to call them both beautiful, and why shouldn't we?
In the final paragraph she tells us that her daughter "accumulated" a large number of Barbie dolls, but that she "decided to buy her" the Eleanor Roosevelt doll. Does that mean her daughter bought her own dolls? Perhaps she got them from another relative, but still, the switch from passive to active voice implies that she bears no responsibility for the Barbie dolls appearing in her daughter's room in the first place.
This article is self-serving - being ugly's OK, but only those with Ms. Baird's looks can be "beautiful". Neither she nor Mr. Hoge got to choose what they look like, but we can choose to call them both beautiful, and why shouldn't we?
360
The Barbie dolls were birthday presents from her classmates, I guarantee.
4
'we can choose to call them both beautiful, and why shouldn't we?'
There is such a thing as beauty, is why. Just as there is such a thing as intelligence, and just giving everyone an A doesn't make everyone equally smart, or just giving everyone a participation trophy and not keeping score doesn't make everyone equally strong.
Even aside from your false egalitarianism, the uncomfortable fact is, evolution has led us to be attracted to certain broad indicia of physical beauty. While the particulars vary according to culture, specifics do apply across cultures:
Symmetry. (That's the big one.) Health. Usually, youth. Bright eyes, regardless of colour. Healthy, full hair, regardless of texture or colour. Well-formed and proportionate limbs; good muscle tone; often height. Nothing missing.
Basically, we are programmed for survival and perpetuation of our genes, choosing the ones who will produce the healthiest offspring and be the most useful members of the tribe.
There is such a thing as beauty, is why. Just as there is such a thing as intelligence, and just giving everyone an A doesn't make everyone equally smart, or just giving everyone a participation trophy and not keeping score doesn't make everyone equally strong.
Even aside from your false egalitarianism, the uncomfortable fact is, evolution has led us to be attracted to certain broad indicia of physical beauty. While the particulars vary according to culture, specifics do apply across cultures:
Symmetry. (That's the big one.) Health. Usually, youth. Bright eyes, regardless of colour. Healthy, full hair, regardless of texture or colour. Well-formed and proportionate limbs; good muscle tone; often height. Nothing missing.
Basically, we are programmed for survival and perpetuation of our genes, choosing the ones who will produce the healthiest offspring and be the most useful members of the tribe.
8
What would your reaction to her article have been if there had been no photo?
4
This fits in with the tendency among parents to tell their children they can be anything they want to be, a blatant falsehood that in the end does a tremendous disservice to the vast majority of regular Janes and Johns. Better we speak honestly - encourage our children to dream but also be honest that many dreams will not be achievable. Like the ugly duckling that is dealt that card in life, so too will short people never be tall; xx never be xy; white never be black; and so on. For that is life and in it we cannot always get what we want.
78
Nice article, but by and large (Regardless of the Protestations of many commenting) totally false in the Western World. Looks & Money are everything.
If it wasn't true, there wouldn't be so many comments from folks saying otherwise.
If it wasn't true, there wouldn't be so many comments from folks saying otherwise.
3
I agree that being honest with children is a good idea. However, I also think there is a very distorted view in the world of what beauty actually looks like. There are beautiful people all around us,some of whom happen to be fat, some of whom have large noses. It's the narrowness of the esthetic: unrealistic, unfair.
87
The child perceives beauty in what parents invest time in...
If a whole lot of time is spent in front of the mirror by parents at home, or a beauty salons .... That's what the child defines beauty as.
If parents spend a lot of time on reading, hobbies, sports, travel, family, service, kindness... The child perceives that as beauty !
But yes, the child is exposed to the whole world... school, friends, peers, etc...
All that affect the child's perception of beauty... And, sometimes they could influence them significantly... And, it could be very challenging for parents too!
Even a simple thing as developing acne, could be very traumatic for a teenager. Children need support, and handholding to identify and nurture true beauty in life, and to understand the real strength of beauty within. Parents and teachers have very important roles to play in inspiring children.
If a whole lot of time is spent in front of the mirror by parents at home, or a beauty salons .... That's what the child defines beauty as.
If parents spend a lot of time on reading, hobbies, sports, travel, family, service, kindness... The child perceives that as beauty !
But yes, the child is exposed to the whole world... school, friends, peers, etc...
All that affect the child's perception of beauty... And, sometimes they could influence them significantly... And, it could be very challenging for parents too!
Even a simple thing as developing acne, could be very traumatic for a teenager. Children need support, and handholding to identify and nurture true beauty in life, and to understand the real strength of beauty within. Parents and teachers have very important roles to play in inspiring children.
270
God bless the so-called 'ugly' as they allow us to look beyond the superficial to true values where true love resides.
Physical beauty, too, is a pleasure to behold. But it is only one of many. Those who fixate on it will soon find it is limited and fleeting when overvalued.
Physical beauty, too, is a pleasure to behold. But it is only one of many. Those who fixate on it will soon find it is limited and fleeting when overvalued.
66
Good grief, this is not good advice. Come on... I see little difference between a malicious bully who flames an unattractive person online and a loving parent who tells a child that he/she is ugly. This is not a lesson that the child requires; they already know. Such an approach teaches a horrid kind of unnecessary, brutal honesty. On the other hand, a gentle approach teaches kindness. It teaches empathy. It teaches concern for loved ones. Perhaps Ms Baird is writing to stimulate discussoin. Fine, let's discuss the issue. But for the sake of Mark Twain's immortal soul, do not tell a child that he/she is ugly.
142
I don't think she said that at all. No parents in their right mind would tell a child he or she is ugly unless they were abusive. A parent can point to all the child's strengths, talents, and inner qualities that make that child unique. I especially like the comment of the parent who told her child she was attractive enough. Of course, beautiful people get a break but that doesn't always make them more successful or lucky in love. Far too often beautiful people rely on their beauty because people in their lives don't require more of them. Beauty isn't always a blessing.
1
I do believe you missed the point of the article entirely. There is, obviously, an entire continuum of discussion between the delusional "you are the most beautiful child ever" and the cruel "everyone thinks you're ugly".
More generally, there's a tendency in today's "participation trophy" culture to shy away from honest, somewhat unpleasant discussions, as if it's too unbearable and 'brutal' to discuss. There's a way to do it without being callous. Special snowflake syndrome is unfortunately alive and well in American schools, and it doesn't do our kids any favors when it comes to handling stress and setbacks in the real world.
More generally, there's a tendency in today's "participation trophy" culture to shy away from honest, somewhat unpleasant discussions, as if it's too unbearable and 'brutal' to discuss. There's a way to do it without being callous. Special snowflake syndrome is unfortunately alive and well in American schools, and it doesn't do our kids any favors when it comes to handling stress and setbacks in the real world.
3
It takes more time for some of us to mature than others. I'm think it is finally happening to me..
4
My son was a beautiful baby and an adorable child. Suddenly around grade 8 he just was not all that attractive. I think it bothered him to have a prominent nose, acne and be skinny no matter how much he ate. Now at 19, he is suddenly handsome. Not like a movie star (thankfully) but very good looking. But more to the point, he is funny and articulate and thoughtful. So Ian-- enjoy your bloom, but remember who you ARE.
2
Great looking children tend to be smarter, have greater athletic prowess and these qualities have been honed by evolution. And guess what? these beautiful children had beautiful parents, and doctors breed doctors, and lawyers breed lawyers. Ever notice that? My knockout girlfriends had knockout looking mothers and hunky fathers. There is a reason for that. The latest theory was called evolution or survival of the fittest.
It fits.
It fits.
18
Bill Gates of Microsoft fame had a beautiful mother but his father wasn't exactly handsome, and he is not exactly handsome either. Neither was Paul Allen. From my high school and college classes, I can guarantee that the most successful were not the most handsome or beautiful, and I have had seventy-five years of observation to figure it out! I tell my older granddaughter who is in college to only date "nerds", because in the long run they turn out to be the most successful and faithful and interesting. The serial cheaters among husbands were usually the handsome ones! By the 50th high school reunion it always shows. And a lot of those plain, or even ugly, girls have really blossomed!
7
In a culture based on superficiality, narcissism and greed, looks are everything.
80
I appreciate this honest article and completely agree that we do children a disservice by refusing to acknowledge that looks do matter, whether or not they should. I might to Mr. Hoge's advice that we could also teach children to look and feel as could as they can--through exercise but also clothes, make up....
9
While I'm not sympathetic to many of W. B. Yeats's political views I think his thoughts in the poem "A Prayer for my Daughter" are wise and true:
...May she be granted beauty and yet not
Beauty to make a stranger’s eye distraught,
Or hers before a looking-glass, for such,
Being made beautiful overmuch,
Consider beauty a sufficient end,
Lose natural kindness and maybe
The heart-revealing intimacy
That chooses right, and never find a friend...
...In courtesy I’d have her chiefly learned;
Hearts are not had as a gift but hearts are earned
By those that are not entirely beautiful;
Yet many, that have played the fool
For beauty’s very self, has charm made wise,
And many a poor man that has roved,
Loved and thought himself beloved,
From a glad kindness cannot take his eyes...
...May she be granted beauty and yet not
Beauty to make a stranger’s eye distraught,
Or hers before a looking-glass, for such,
Being made beautiful overmuch,
Consider beauty a sufficient end,
Lose natural kindness and maybe
The heart-revealing intimacy
That chooses right, and never find a friend...
...In courtesy I’d have her chiefly learned;
Hearts are not had as a gift but hearts are earned
By those that are not entirely beautiful;
Yet many, that have played the fool
For beauty’s very self, has charm made wise,
And many a poor man that has roved,
Loved and thought himself beloved,
From a glad kindness cannot take his eyes...
52
Yeats saw the downside for the beautiful in 'For Anne Gregory':
'Never shall a young man,
Thrown into despair
By those great honey-coloured
Ramparts at your ear,
Love you for yourself alone
And not your yellow hair.'
'But I can get a hair-dye
And set such colour there,
Brown, or black, or carrot,
That young men in despair
May love me for myself alone
And not my yellow hair?'
'I heard an old religious man
But yesternight declare
That he had found a text to prove
That only God, my dear,
Could love you for yourself alone
And not your yellow hair.'
'Never shall a young man,
Thrown into despair
By those great honey-coloured
Ramparts at your ear,
Love you for yourself alone
And not your yellow hair.'
'But I can get a hair-dye
And set such colour there,
Brown, or black, or carrot,
That young men in despair
May love me for myself alone
And not my yellow hair?'
'I heard an old religious man
But yesternight declare
That he had found a text to prove
That only God, my dear,
Could love you for yourself alone
And not your yellow hair.'
2
TO Judy in VT: A beautiful response - thanks for sharing! I bet you voted for Bernie Sanders, too! Instead of this column's suggestion that we teach children about "ugly", we should spend our efforts by example and effort in teaching them to develop their minds and souls, which your parents obviously did. Our country (and our media) attack us daily with blather to appeal to our acquisitive nature through advertising, and display anorexic models as a desired norm. We DO seem to be noticing other assets more lately, but only when those displaying them achieve recognition through great achievements. Would that we could all be born blind to the physicality of human features until the more important lessons were learned.
1
Unfortunately, your child will be miserable even if you tell her the truth about being unattractive. No amount of moral courage can protect that child from abuse.
21
Eleanor was a beauty when she was young, don't forget. So it is almost inevitable, and part of the story of appearance, that you will be old and grey with liver spots - that beauty is fleeting, the face of the rose, is part of the story of dealing with our physical appearance through life.
90
No, that is not true. She was a plain young woman. Of course, we remember Eleanor from her 60s, when she was First Lady and she looked like a 60-ish grandmother by then.
There are numerous photos of her from her youth, as she as from a wealthy political family, and while she was not deformed or anything, she was not "beautiful" by the standards of the early 20th century.
There are numerous photos of her from her youth, as she as from a wealthy political family, and while she was not deformed or anything, she was not "beautiful" by the standards of the early 20th century.
38
Actually Eleanor was well known to not be a beauty when she was young as she had enormous rabbit teeth until they were knocked out in mid age in a car accident. She said it was the best thing that happened to her looks.
11
Very true, Concerned. However, I went to high school with a girl who looked - I am not kidding - exactly like Eleanor Roosevelt. It didn't hurt her popularity in the least - in fact, she was well liked by all, because she was intelligent, and kind, and had a smile like the sun coming out from behind clouds.
I kenw some very nice, and also some very nasty, people who were physically beautiful. And some who were ugly, and most in between. Similarly, intelligence and physical strength don't necessarily run in tandem nor are they inversely related. NYT readers like to assume all athletes, particularly football players, are stupid, but I haven't found that to be true.
One thing that is noteworthy about Eleanor Roosevelt: she neither felt the need to pretend she was beautiful, nor to insist on denigrating those who were.
I kenw some very nice, and also some very nasty, people who were physically beautiful. And some who were ugly, and most in between. Similarly, intelligence and physical strength don't necessarily run in tandem nor are they inversely related. NYT readers like to assume all athletes, particularly football players, are stupid, but I haven't found that to be true.
One thing that is noteworthy about Eleanor Roosevelt: she neither felt the need to pretend she was beautiful, nor to insist on denigrating those who were.
12
Sounds to me like Mr. Hoge became a swan.
66
Fair enough, Ms. Baird's efforts are commendable. But, while beauty is only skin deep, it's all you get to see. And from that, judgements are formed. They form from superficial aspects. It's not just on people's physical appearance. Fruits, curb appeal on housing, the right clothes, displays in general, pretty packages, pretty words.
113
As with statements too good to be true, we have to look deeper and reject stereotypical assumptions about people as well as ideas.
HUMAN BRAINS are attuned to facial features. We're hard-wired for facial recognition from birth, and for good reason. Mutual attraction between mother and newborn support the process of bonding as well as feeding.
So the challenges people experience in their reactions to those with atypical, unattractive faces, is more than a matter of social learning and acculturation. However, as we mature, we are capable of understanding more complexities of attachment. For adults, the ability to read the complex emotions being broadcast by faces may well provide better chances of survival than just facial recognition and esthetics.
Beyond esthetics, people whose looks may be considered unattractive may possess ordinary looks. Some may be unattractive. Albert Einstein comes to mind. There are T shirts with pictures of his face with his tongue sticking out, so people read his humor. And there is universal admiration of his contribution to the field of physics.
So there are different levels on which people can relate to each others' looks. To build wider acceptance, it is essential to know the changes that occur with maturation in response to facial characteristics.
So the challenges people experience in their reactions to those with atypical, unattractive faces, is more than a matter of social learning and acculturation. However, as we mature, we are capable of understanding more complexities of attachment. For adults, the ability to read the complex emotions being broadcast by faces may well provide better chances of survival than just facial recognition and esthetics.
Beyond esthetics, people whose looks may be considered unattractive may possess ordinary looks. Some may be unattractive. Albert Einstein comes to mind. There are T shirts with pictures of his face with his tongue sticking out, so people read his humor. And there is universal admiration of his contribution to the field of physics.
So there are different levels on which people can relate to each others' looks. To build wider acceptance, it is essential to know the changes that occur with maturation in response to facial characteristics.
8
Why would you use Einstein as an example of unattractive? Go look at some pictures of him as a younger man.
3
I would much rather spend an evening with Albert than say, Tom Cruise. One-- brilliant and kind in many ways, the other clearly has spent too much time in front of a mirror. So I guess I disagree with the columnists thesis.
5
If you are extremely good looking, however, it can also work against you. It intimidates potential mates and employers. It can be a source of envy. For example, women that are beautiful and attract the attention of many men are labeled as "sluts" and not taken seriously by men or women. They are not considered intelligent, either, and are denied opportunities and are marginalized in the workplace. Many do not find a suitable mate and are sought after by trophy seekers who do not care for them as individuals.
67
Trust me, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. I've been unattractive, and I've been attractive. Attractive is a lot easier.
40
Julia,
I LOVE that your child sleeps with her Eleanor Roosevelt doll -- awesome!
A most valuable contribution, on an important subject most people avoiding talking or even thinking about.
I LOVE that your child sleeps with her Eleanor Roosevelt doll -- awesome!
A most valuable contribution, on an important subject most people avoiding talking or even thinking about.
20
It is indeed important to be realistic with children about the gifts they have and the gifts they do not have. A gift to the world is the unending variety of individuals who populate this earth. Each unique; each gifted in a variety of ways.
A flip side of helping a child who is homely or not academically bright to appreciate that that is only one part of who she is is to help the kid who is beautiful or smart to have both humility and an appreciation for the gifts she has. I have always loathed the bumper stickers which say "My kid is an honor roll student at XXX school." That's lovely, but some little kids at that school are working just as hard as your kid and can only get 'Cs' in the end. Being born smart, being able to turn hard work into honor roll grades is not the result of effort or character, it's luck.
Helping all children to appreciate the gifts they have means being real with them about who they are; it also means helping them to appreciate that being beautiful or smart or creative is about luck giving them an advantage and learning to use that well rather than wearing it as a sign of superiority or accomplishment for it is neither.
A flip side of helping a child who is homely or not academically bright to appreciate that that is only one part of who she is is to help the kid who is beautiful or smart to have both humility and an appreciation for the gifts she has. I have always loathed the bumper stickers which say "My kid is an honor roll student at XXX school." That's lovely, but some little kids at that school are working just as hard as your kid and can only get 'Cs' in the end. Being born smart, being able to turn hard work into honor roll grades is not the result of effort or character, it's luck.
Helping all children to appreciate the gifts they have means being real with them about who they are; it also means helping them to appreciate that being beautiful or smart or creative is about luck giving them an advantage and learning to use that well rather than wearing it as a sign of superiority or accomplishment for it is neither.
24
My children were regarded as gifted, but I've always hated those honor roll bumper stickers, too, and I never put them on my car, no matter how many I received from the school. My children didn't need that to know that I was proud of them. The "My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Roll Kid" stickers made me laugh, though.
Not sure that a hefty helping of guilt for brighter kids will help anyone. Most of those kids still need encouragement to handle the more difficult things that they are fortunate to be able to do and that we need them to do for the benefit of everyone. They already know they are lucky.
Not sure that a hefty helping of guilt for brighter kids will help anyone. Most of those kids still need encouragement to handle the more difficult things that they are fortunate to be able to do and that we need them to do for the benefit of everyone. They already know they are lucky.
11
"You don't judge a book by its cover", said my parents. I believed them.
It wasn't until I was much much older that I realized how important looks are to most people, and how that manifests.. first in the schoolyard, but more importantly, in employment. Because a lot of people just aren't that deep. Or accepting. Or they have an image in mind.
It is the content of our character that makes us who we are, and that has to be impressed on our kids whether their are homely or lovely or somewhere in between. But it does matter.
My boss is in the public eye and when she is out on the world she likes her companion to be young, thin, anglo saxon and attractive. She appreciates me for my intellect and varied skills, but I am not the one who accompanies her publicly. My look is all wrong. I am a behind the scenes person, and when I am out for an event, I am off to the side. And I'm still happy just to be there!
I think it is most important for all of us to accept ourselves for what we bring to the table and impress that on our kids. Celebrate their accomplishments, teach them manners and the importance of being a good friend.. and hope that the bullies and shallow people don't affect them too badly.
It wasn't until I was much much older that I realized how important looks are to most people, and how that manifests.. first in the schoolyard, but more importantly, in employment. Because a lot of people just aren't that deep. Or accepting. Or they have an image in mind.
It is the content of our character that makes us who we are, and that has to be impressed on our kids whether their are homely or lovely or somewhere in between. But it does matter.
My boss is in the public eye and when she is out on the world she likes her companion to be young, thin, anglo saxon and attractive. She appreciates me for my intellect and varied skills, but I am not the one who accompanies her publicly. My look is all wrong. I am a behind the scenes person, and when I am out for an event, I am off to the side. And I'm still happy just to be there!
I think it is most important for all of us to accept ourselves for what we bring to the table and impress that on our kids. Celebrate their accomplishments, teach them manners and the importance of being a good friend.. and hope that the bullies and shallow people don't affect them too badly.
154
Unfortunately it is fact that in the business world, tall, slim, white males are more likely to be promoted than anyone else.
13
I knew a woman from work years ago. She had a well-paying job, and was capable and easy-going and quite positive. At one gathering, the issue of having children came up. She said she would never for the sole reason that she did not want to give her ugly looks to her children. Her husband was handsome, but she did not want to take the risk. The bitterness and resentment surprised me a great deal. I realized an extremely proud person was living under her easy-going manners. That put me at a distance from her although I am deeply sympathetic to her sufferings.
50
We need to tell kids that it's O.K. for their friends to look different.
I take the point about the Ugly Duckling not to be about whether all water fowl are secretly swans, but to acknowledge that there are phases in life and that unnecessary discouragement sometimes comes from misunderstanding that.
I take the point about the Ugly Duckling not to be about whether all water fowl are secretly swans, but to acknowledge that there are phases in life and that unnecessary discouragement sometimes comes from misunderstanding that.
18
There's a chilling discrimination that occurs in America based on shallow measures of appearance. We've been schooled, seduced and manipulated into objectifying ourselves and each other because of painfully narrow definitions about what is beautiful, attractive, and perfect--and by extension worthy and deserving of love and access. Even for those who fit the socially-vaulted stereotypes, such evaluations are harmful and unhealthy.
231
There's a word for "ugly" in every language.
10
But I think there is a "chicken or egg" issue. Is the societal definition of beauty a distant relation to some evolutionary imperative, or is it simply due to cultural and media presentations...though then you circle back to what drives those media preferences...something primordial? Yes it's outdated and sad, but if indeed the latter, will be very hard to ever overcome.
5
Yet another example of aesthetic denialism -- as if another were needed.
6
As I've found Captain Kirk to be right about most things, I guess we're stuck with this most innate of biases for at least another 200 years.