Hmmm, what this really looks like is that real dad is a dramatist, not content to have his daughters wedding be about her. He had to steal the day and the Internet with some over maudlin act that was supposed to wipe away the years of him being a jerk to get along with. Note the custody battles they spoke of. I would guess he is a narcissist. I am sure he put his ex through hell.
6
As a stepfather and an adoptive father I can say that this story shows that as long as the child is put first, a parent can mean more then just the donor of the sperm or the egg. There can be more than just one of each in a child's growth to adulthood and their life to follow. Congratulations to both of these MEN/Fathers
9
Thank you NYTimes for picking up on this beautiful story. Best wishes to the bride and groom on their special day.
7
I read elsewhere that Todd Bachman told the photographer before the ceremony to 'watch out' because he was going to do something special. I think the display was about Bachman making himself look good versus an actual act of kindness. If it were truly about the act of kindness to Todd Cendrosky and only that, Bachman would have arranged with Cendrosky before the ceremony to walk down the aisle together instead of making such a display during the ceremony. As others have noted, this is not the first time that father and stepfather walked down together. Time to stop writing about this.
6
Interesting point. Also interesting was the contrast between how the two men sit in the picture.
2
Time for people like you to keep your cunicism to yourselves.
4
Judge not. The pain can be too great to be in a room with someone. Anybody who has not experienced this should keep their opinions to themselves.
2
Sorry, but if you are so immature that you cannot handle disappointment and pain, to the point of breaking your child's heart, you will be judged badly. The story here included years of animosity between the divorced parents (don't know if the animosity also extended to the step-father, but it probably did) -- they don't get a pass on that -- but it is about someone overcoming the animosity and their own selfishness for the sake of the child and for the sake of decency and kindness.
2
Both my father and stepfather attended my wedding, but neither gave me away. That honor went to my mother who was, for many of my growing up years, a single mom raising four kids.
15
Yes, I always thought that if only one parent "gives away" the child in most cases it should be the MOTHER.
In Judaism both parents walk their children (yes the grooms also) down the aisle which I think is really nice. I am not Jewish but that is what I would want - it feels more inclusive.
In Judaism both parents walk their children (yes the grooms also) down the aisle which I think is really nice. I am not Jewish but that is what I would want - it feels more inclusive.
11
My youngest just got married with his step mom performing the ceremony. The rancor of separation and divorce does nothing but harm the kids. We were all deeply touched by this thoughtful gesture of love and respect.
3
“My little sister and I were put in the middle a lot,” said Mrs. Peck, 21, who lives in LaGrange. “We really want people to realize they shouldn’t put their kids in the middle of their divorce.” There is an ENTIRE Divorce Industry, billions of dollars lining the pockets of "forensic shrinks" etc., with lawyers that raffles off children in divorce, where one or both parents force children to take sides. I had no clue about this industry, nor did I want any part of it. Having been a stay at home mom (already stigmaitzed for that one), I took great care of my children, whom I love with my whole soul. But I don't know where they are, nor was I even invited to my 23 year old's college graduation this year. Of course I went but never saw my child, but I was there, having driven from NY to Maine, to see the graduation...so terrified am I of my ex and his family, and their hatred of me, I had to disguise myself in a baseball cap and sun glasses...I never, ever wanted to put my children in the middle, nor expected to be forever cut out of their lives, after nurturing them with all my being. Children don't ask to be born - we bring them here and this story shows how adults can grow up, too. The DIVORCE INDUSTRY is corrupt and needs to be stopped. “We really want people to realize they shouldn’t put their kids in the middle of their divorce.” says the bride. Exactly.
5
And so this is how we elevate...each other. Lovely. Thank you.
8
When my son got married, his bride's mom was there and so was her dad and his second wife, they all get along fine. So at the end of the ceremony, after the bride and groom walked down the aisle, I walked out with the bride's dad, and my husband walked behind us with each woman, mom and stepmom, on his arm. It was a lovely touch.
7
I have been to events where one parent refuses to attend to for some selfish dramatic reason. Every single time the missing parent is viewed as a loser. I have been the step-mother that prepared stepdaughters for proms, graduations, job interviews, business trips. I give resume and career advice. I am always available. Their mother avoided all of this and now can't figure out why she is not a big part of their lives. I stay out of it.
Their mother has only tried to become involved now that their elderly paternal grandfather is dying and there is money and property to be inherited by my step daughters In their early 20's. I stay out of that, too.
Their mother has only tried to become involved now that their elderly paternal grandfather is dying and there is money and property to be inherited by my step daughters In their early 20's. I stay out of that, too.
3
As the daughter of a stepmom who has done nothing for me in 40 years except sign Christmas and birthday cards I salute you Ms. DeVille! Thank you from stepdaughters everywhere!! You've got it absolutely right. May you and your family be forever blessed.
2
Wow, really nice to see grown-ups behaving as such. My step-son's mother threatened to boycott his high school graduation when she heard he'd invited me. I offered to not attend and, in private, Dad assured his son I would happily stay home so Mother would go. The kid was adamant that he wanted us all there and the event was in a big stadium; we likely wouldn't have seen each other. In the end, she created a big scene and refused to attend at the very last minute. The parents have been divorced for 12 years: when does the crazy hating behavior stop?
14
You made me cry all over again. Blessings upon everyone involved!
2
'Giving the bride away' is an archaic, sexist tradition that needs to die. Who walked the groom to the alter?
And I really don't care about other people's private celebrations. I promise you, this wasn't the first time this has happened. Not interesting.
And I really don't care about other people's private celebrations. I promise you, this wasn't the first time this has happened. Not interesting.
6
There is nothing more selfish (and wonderful) than bringing a child into the world. It's all about what the parents want. Once the child is born, the dynamic flips and it's all about the child, as it should be. This story proves that there are parents (be they biological or "step") who truly get that: the daughter came first and foremost for both of them. Lovely.
6
Newsflash for Dr. Schrager: being in a family where the mother and father do not share a home is normal. I sincerely hope Dr. Schrager's young patients, if she has any, are not made to feel by this psychologist that their life experience is outside the mainstream, that their life is abnormal. A time of pain, perhaps; and that, too, is normal.
As for the parents, and barring situations involving abuse, it would do well for anyone choosing to end marriage to realize that expectations were not met, perhaps shattered; however, failing to meet others' expectations does not render one a bad person, nor a bad parent. Giving oneself time to heal, to become more aware of one's own identity, will empower you such that you will see the ex-spouse in a generous and loving light. This will take time, and during that time, stay focused on being self-engaged and child(ren)-engaged. Try very hard to refrain from entering another relationship. This only serves to arrest one's development within the confines of dependency, of meeting the needs of another and having our own needs met by another. Soon enough, you will emerge stronger and smarter. You will surprise yourself, and you will love yourself beyond your dreams.
As for the parents, and barring situations involving abuse, it would do well for anyone choosing to end marriage to realize that expectations were not met, perhaps shattered; however, failing to meet others' expectations does not render one a bad person, nor a bad parent. Giving oneself time to heal, to become more aware of one's own identity, will empower you such that you will see the ex-spouse in a generous and loving light. This will take time, and during that time, stay focused on being self-engaged and child(ren)-engaged. Try very hard to refrain from entering another relationship. This only serves to arrest one's development within the confines of dependency, of meeting the needs of another and having our own needs met by another. Soon enough, you will emerge stronger and smarter. You will surprise yourself, and you will love yourself beyond your dreams.
8
Life is hard. For all of us. Adults/children. Love that this guy made it about his kid and took the high road, and gets it. And by "get's it" I mean, not everyone should be together forever. And 50 years ago it mattered if you came from a "broken home". But not so much now. Having said that, it's apparent that all of these people cared enough about their children to show them that, just because Mom & Dad didn't work out, we still love u and always will. So proud of all of you.
3
Both her fathers are hot.
21
,,,and that is how normal is praised and talk about through the world, because normal , right and decent is so rare nowadays.
16
This is a new template in the collective unconscious for families that have cracked, broken, and been cobbled together, but weren't sure of what healing is, how to do it, or what it feels like. Thank you, Mr. Bachman, thank you, Mr. Cendrosky, and thank you, Mrs. Peck.
12
Loved everything about this story!
7
When I saw the photos on Facebook a few weeks ago, I wanted to know more of the story. Thank you for this article.
I love the fact that the father and bride planned this to the surprise of everyone, including the photographer. Had the original arrangements been for the father and stepfather to escort the bride, we never would have seen this wonderful story. What we do for love!!!
I love the fact that the father and bride planned this to the surprise of everyone, including the photographer. Had the original arrangements been for the father and stepfather to escort the bride, we never would have seen this wonderful story. What we do for love!!!
9
I think this wonderful story resonates with millions of people around the world
because millions of people can picture themselves in that exact situation and only hope for a happy ending. As a divorced mum, a remarried mum and a
stepparent I can only hope for such an experience for my own children; ALL
my children. At the end of the day, they are what matter to me.
because millions of people can picture themselves in that exact situation and only hope for a happy ending. As a divorced mum, a remarried mum and a
stepparent I can only hope for such an experience for my own children; ALL
my children. At the end of the day, they are what matter to me.
6
First I will say I am a step-mother to two amazing children and though their father and I have since divorced, we remain close and I am considered part of the family. I wonder why the author and psychologist chose to focus on the divorce aspect. The father's gesture was not about "destigmatizing divorce." It was about destigmatizing step-parents/step-families. An article focused on why the step-father was so important to the bride would have been more compelling and may have helped more families. Families are what we make them. My step daughter calls me "Mom" and gets frustrated about having to explain why she feels she has three parents. Yet another mish mash about divorce is not the story here. The family and what is considered family is.
28
What a beautiful photograph; and yes the story made me believe in humanity and sniffle all over again.
5
Sorry, can't get all teary. It was the bride's choice to have her stepfather all along, but the biological father had to put her and her stepfather through pain and sadness so he could make the big gesture. I think I know why this divorce came about.
24
Neither can I. I'm not sure why the bride didn't include her step dad initially. Her wedding. Her decision to include them both. Permission not required.
9
This is where the NYT sets itself apart from other news sources: bringing back a story that many wished they could learn a little bit more about and that beautiful picture with the sunset behind the three of them. Kudos!
7
Great moment.
3
No mention of family courts? Or divorce lawyers? The system is almost designed to engender animosity. There is no incentive otherwise. I think these gentlemen should run for election to family courts. They seem to know how to handle themselves. They both got my vote.
17
Sadly, this family also has a history of contentious custody battles. It's never too late to make the right choice even once the child becomes an adult.
1
Props to Dustin Franz for the great photo he took of the family.
8
Wonderful.
8
What is this salty discharge?
30
I cry every time I read this story and look at these wonderful people. It and they are the opposite of the anger that pollutes our politics and our world right now.
3
Who knew that the "Old Grey Lady" was sentimental? This is a really nice story about someone who did the right thing. It made my day.
33
Stepparents are often unsung heroes in their stepchildren's lives. Mr Bachman's gesture showed such appreciation and validation for Mr Cendrosky's place in his stepdaughter's life. As a stepmother who has worked hard helping to raise her stepson, I find this very heartwarmng.
40