Thank you for a lovely article. I'd love to here more brainstorming ideas like these. As you noted in your writing, food prep for a family with kids can often become quite complex. Some children take to eating easily and steadily expand their range. Others are more challenged by learning to eat. I have 7 yr/o twins and one loves most everything and the other has been on a long slow journey of learning to eat. I also have a husband who wants a salad at every dinner and I like complex flavors and variety. My basic formula is: a bag salad (fortunately our local grocery has a wide variety of very good ones), fresh fruit (so the more veggie suspicious child gets his nutrients), an accessible starch, and then something more interesting. Sometimes the "more interesting" is a deconstructed item and other times it's fully assembled. I have certainly found that allowing people, especially children, to have control over what they eat (from a selection that a parent picks) makes them ultimately more open to trying things. Keep the pressure off and let them move at their own pace. My son surprises me every 6mns by trying a veggie out of the blue and his ability to handle chewy meats is improving in a slow but steady way. But as some one who has enjoyed cooking, I do find that the daily challenge of pulling together a family meal gets a bit old. This is where the influx of new menu ideas is can be quite refreshing. A NYT weekly column of this sort?
3
My husband and I (childless) love to visit our friends who have 3 kids and a brother-in-law living with them. I love the challenge of cooking for a varied crowd, after (admittedly) training my husband over many years to like a variety of "experiments". One of their brood is vegetarian, the other is gluten-intolerant, and one prefers to avoid pork. My solution: my favorite recipes, with proteins on the side. Shrimp fra diavolo became tofu fra diavolo, with shrimp on the side. Some of us even liked the tofu! Dinner BLTs with avocado became a pile of toast and piles of bacon, lettuce, tomato and avocado for build-your-own. My caesar salad dressing was really just fine without the anchovies, and grilled chicken was on the side for those who wanted it. Cioppino became ... wait until the vegetarian was out with friends. (You can't win 'em all, but you can avoid the big battles).
1
This piece is spot on and it has nothing to do with catering to "picky" eaters and everything to do with respecting varied dietary habits - and making life easier. No fuss, no drama, no judgment.
Here's our situation: my spouse and I eat fish, some chicken, and occasionally red meat. One son is a vegetarian, as is a son-in-law and his young children (our grandchildren). Another son eats only gluten free food; one has nut allergies.
The easiest solution is simply to put out toppings and a main "base". .Maybe weadd a salad and some fruit- and call it a meal.
So one night we have Pasta ( (including gluten free) with a choice of cheese, avocado, sour cream, onions, etc Quesadillas or baked potatoes work just as well.
If someone wants more, they bring it along.
Here's our situation: my spouse and I eat fish, some chicken, and occasionally red meat. One son is a vegetarian, as is a son-in-law and his young children (our grandchildren). Another son eats only gluten free food; one has nut allergies.
The easiest solution is simply to put out toppings and a main "base". .Maybe weadd a salad and some fruit- and call it a meal.
So one night we have Pasta ( (including gluten free) with a choice of cheese, avocado, sour cream, onions, etc Quesadillas or baked potatoes work just as well.
If someone wants more, they bring it along.
2
Here's an idea. If you have all of this food drama, and can't eat this or that, stay home and cook for yourself.
1
We were always taught to eat everything put on our plates when we were visiting. One time my brother was at a friend's house. His mother put a nice basket of cornbread on the table, and my brother immediately grabbed a piece. Good boy that he was, he ate the entire piece without saying a word. When his friend took a piece of the cornbread a bit later, he took a bite and shrieked, "Mom, this is gross." She had put salt in instead of sugar. So, you can be polite and eat what is on the table if you are a guest, but a bit of critical thought can also enter your deliberations!
I love to cook, and cook for lots of people. I always find a way to serve enough side dishes so that everyone is satisfied.
I love to cook, and cook for lots of people. I always find a way to serve enough side dishes so that everyone is satisfied.
Rather surprised that no one seems to have noticed that this seems like quite a lot of work for fast week night dinners. Lots of chopping (batons!!) shredding, etc. Vegans aside, if you are cooking fresh, preservative-free, low processed food, it shouldn't be a problem for most adults and children to consume .
Looks like you struck a nerve with this one. :-)
Julia, I'm a huge fan, and admire your energy. But this does not look like a weeknight meal to me. All that shopping and prepping and washing and slicing and chopping, and all those extra dirty dishes. And many different bits of leftovers to put away also. I would happily do something like this for guests (it reminds me of Korean barbecue in a way -- fun and festive), but I can't provide an elegant little buffet for my family each weekday evening. I'm just too damn tired to make more than one dish for all to share.
2
My partner and I used to have a picky guest who was very vocal about her preferences. I began making the Perfect Protein Salad from the old Moosewood cookbook (https://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=1591097). Death on a plate, is the best way I can describe it. Funny, we haven't heard from her recently.
When I was a child, my mother had a food lecture: When you visit at someone's house, it's rude to make comments about what they serve. It's a chance to learn something about they live. Take at least three small bites of everything. After that, if you don't like something, just don't eat it. If you are asked about not eating, say that you are not hungry. At the end of the meal, say that you enjoyed the meal. You will have enjoyed talking to others at the table.
I guess the bottom line was that eating at someone else's house was not about the food.
Eating at home was like that too, meaning that the purpose of the meal was not to eat food. But it was okay to say that I did not care for something. It would almost always not make another appearance unless someone else really liked it.
I guess the bottom line was that eating at someone else's house was not about the food.
Eating at home was like that too, meaning that the purpose of the meal was not to eat food. But it was okay to say that I did not care for something. It would almost always not make another appearance unless someone else really liked it.
An other attack of American individualism...
A meal is a time to share tastes and ideas. Communicate in a family or a group of friends .
Americans don't communicate .They will live together and have their little boxes in the fridge !Eat their stuff in hiding and think in hiding and not talk to anybody.
A meal is a time to share tastes and ideas. Communicate in a family or a group of friends .
Americans don't communicate .They will live together and have their little boxes in the fridge !Eat their stuff in hiding and think in hiding and not talk to anybody.
This is a great piece and spot on. I don't know why it brings out so many huffy responses. Actually, I do, but I'll set that aside to say THANK YOU for this piece!! Feeding people across tastes, ethics, and generations is hard. You want everyone to be healthy, well-fed, and yes -- sorry, everyone on this thread -- happy. I have one hard-core carnivore, one aspiring vegan, one who won't eat tomatoes, cucumbers or anything with lemon, one who won't touch a bean -- and the only way to make sure everyone is happy is to offer a base with options. Noodles with various fixings; salad with quinoa and fixings; pasta with veggies, meat, and tofu on the side. Fried eggs as a side for the ones who won't eat meat. The more people feel in control of what they eat, the happier and healthier they are. And, I'm hoping, the more they'll want to visit later.
2
"fluffy" salad greens ?
Picky kids who won't eat what's served? A table surrounded by precious snowflakes who each want their meals as individual as they are?
First world problems. Not just first world problems, middle and upper-class first world problems.
First world problems. Not just first world problems, middle and upper-class first world problems.
2
Can we PLEASE retire the following:
"Snowflakes"
"First-world problems"
(Trendy put-downs do not an argument make.)
"Snowflakes"
"First-world problems"
(Trendy put-downs do not an argument make.)
6
Um, everyone but the cook who has to set out all these little bowls of garnishes! My kids would love this, me not so much!
Poor Ms. Moskin, to have her fine article and great ideas morph into such a cultural civil war!
Aside from bonafide allergies (shellfish, nuts), diabetes and religious practices, I can't imagine having to cater to such a variety of food preferences, and I am appalled, but sadly unsurprised, by the umbrage that many respondents express that their needs may not be front and center in what their host decides to cook. The food wars expressed in the comments epitomizes the divide in our society between those who feel entitled to be accommodated for everything and the rest of us who expect to suck it up.
It's an honor to have someone cook you a meal -- if you don't like what they serve, refuse future invitations and free them up to cook for people who appreciate their efforts. If you accept the invitation, eat the food and dislike it, one meal you don't care for won't kill you. And thank God there are still parents who tell their kids that if they don't eat what's prepared for them, they can wait until the next meal. You give me hope.
Aside from bonafide allergies (shellfish, nuts), diabetes and religious practices, I can't imagine having to cater to such a variety of food preferences, and I am appalled, but sadly unsurprised, by the umbrage that many respondents express that their needs may not be front and center in what their host decides to cook. The food wars expressed in the comments epitomizes the divide in our society between those who feel entitled to be accommodated for everything and the rest of us who expect to suck it up.
It's an honor to have someone cook you a meal -- if you don't like what they serve, refuse future invitations and free them up to cook for people who appreciate their efforts. If you accept the invitation, eat the food and dislike it, one meal you don't care for won't kill you. And thank God there are still parents who tell their kids that if they don't eat what's prepared for them, they can wait until the next meal. You give me hope.
8
@E. Giraud Exactly! Very well said.
2
WOW, New York Times commenters are the grumpiest, crotchetiest group of old cooks I've ever seen. Everybody chill about your vegan nephews! For my part, I enjoyed the article. I'll use this concept-- buildable, customizable meals.
2
My diet used to be a constant in my life that helped me to feel healthy.
Now, it is a constant internal conflict.
It sounds like many commenters are frustrated with individuals who claim to need special diets, however, are truly concerned about individuals who you believe to need special diets.
From the perspective of a dinner who needs a special diet, I have great anxiety over whether other folks will believe me. I have great anxiety about telling folks who invite me to dinner that I do not eat certain foods. I am worried about being rude by even saying so, am worried about rejecting their offerings and feel badly for the inconvenience in which my simple presence imposes, and worried about being rude if I offer to bring my own food.
I often find that I have two choices that do not involve being an imposition: either eat whatever is served and get sick, and (demoralized) or isolate myself from social situations where other people are preparing food (even then though, it is not possible to keep this up with family and friends without coming off as rude and ungracious).
For all you folks out there that are privileged enough to eat whatever you choose, please have some empathy for those who can't without compromising their health.
Thank you
Now, it is a constant internal conflict.
It sounds like many commenters are frustrated with individuals who claim to need special diets, however, are truly concerned about individuals who you believe to need special diets.
From the perspective of a dinner who needs a special diet, I have great anxiety over whether other folks will believe me. I have great anxiety about telling folks who invite me to dinner that I do not eat certain foods. I am worried about being rude by even saying so, am worried about rejecting their offerings and feel badly for the inconvenience in which my simple presence imposes, and worried about being rude if I offer to bring my own food.
I often find that I have two choices that do not involve being an imposition: either eat whatever is served and get sick, and (demoralized) or isolate myself from social situations where other people are preparing food (even then though, it is not possible to keep this up with family and friends without coming off as rude and ungracious).
For all you folks out there that are privileged enough to eat whatever you choose, please have some empathy for those who can't without compromising their health.
Thank you
4
Enough of the food fads. Growing up we had, every night, meat (beef, pork, chicken), potato/rice, veggie(seasonal or sometimes Bird'sEye frozen). There was no argument, there was no discussion. Mom made it, dad and I ate it. Lunches were a do-it-yourself thing with work and school being the determinants.
And more to the point. Dinner was at 6:00 every night, every night. And we were there - no excuses. Family time with two working parents. And this scenario held true for my family.
And more to the point. Dinner was at 6:00 every night, every night. And we were there - no excuses. Family time with two working parents. And this scenario held true for my family.
5
Unless it is a food allergy, those who eat at my table eat what is served. i do inquire and am a great respecter of food allergies and the dangers they cause. I prepare accordingly. But - my home kitchen is not a restaurant kitchen. What is served is what is served.
That said, I am a creative cook, and for years have been preparing meals like the ones the author suggests. Guests are always enthusiastic about this approach. it is fun for the cook, too.
There is nothing more rude than a "precious" dinner guest. i always suggest that guests try three bites - take the time to really taste the flavors. if it is a true "no-go" - well, there are plenty of side dishes to eat. And no need to return to my table for a meal - those friends become ones I meet fro a quick coffee if time permits. Interesting to see them eat some of the foods they dislike when they are in a fancy cafe!
That said, I am a creative cook, and for years have been preparing meals like the ones the author suggests. Guests are always enthusiastic about this approach. it is fun for the cook, too.
There is nothing more rude than a "precious" dinner guest. i always suggest that guests try three bites - take the time to really taste the flavors. if it is a true "no-go" - well, there are plenty of side dishes to eat. And no need to return to my table for a meal - those friends become ones I meet fro a quick coffee if time permits. Interesting to see them eat some of the foods they dislike when they are in a fancy cafe!
14
Wow. Rather than criticizing the dietary and parenting choices of my friends, family and the world at large I would like to say thanks for the recipes. You've given me some good ideas for getting dinner on the table this week.
25
Yeah, this article touched a nerve, didn't it?? But as I like to have guests and family members ENJOY eating in my home (my table is not a pulpit from which to insist they ageee with my views on gluten), I am also thankful for these recipes.
1
Moreover, there is alot of arrogance in
a) assuming everyone should relate to food the same way. Whether or not preferences is environmental or biological, a combination of both, we all get to have our own unique brand.
b) not recognizing that those of us in the role of cook are in the position of power and control. We are deciding what other people eat. Many of us worship at the temple of food and have our own particular likes and dislikes. In fact, us cooks are probably the pickiest of all. Expecting that people should just eat up or shut up, especially in situations where others are depending on you for a meal, denies the universal human need to have some say in what we put into our mouths.
a) assuming everyone should relate to food the same way. Whether or not preferences is environmental or biological, a combination of both, we all get to have our own unique brand.
b) not recognizing that those of us in the role of cook are in the position of power and control. We are deciding what other people eat. Many of us worship at the temple of food and have our own particular likes and dislikes. In fact, us cooks are probably the pickiest of all. Expecting that people should just eat up or shut up, especially in situations where others are depending on you for a meal, denies the universal human need to have some say in what we put into our mouths.
6
Cooking day in and day out is a lot of work. Highly exacting or picky eaters are not a pleasure to feed. In fact, they can seem downright selfish and ungrateful for the efforts of the cook.
If you want to control what is on the table, then you need to make the effort to plan, shop, and cook. Otherwise, if you don't like what is served, it's time to make yourself a sandwich.
If you want to control what is on the table, then you need to make the effort to plan, shop, and cook. Otherwise, if you don't like what is served, it's time to make yourself a sandwich.
3
Wow. Lots of outrage for an article about cooking 1 meal that can please different palates and preferences. As a pro cook, with children, I cook because I love to feed people. I love to see people enjoy the food I make. I also love to show my skill at introducing people to new things while showing that I care about their preferences and palates. I am not interested in forcing people to consume things they don't like. I am interested in feeding my friends and loved ones and I find it reasonable, if one invites a diverse group over, to put out one dinner where there are options for everyone to customize and enjoy their meal every once in awhile. Its called being a host.
18
And eating what is put on the table (or at least not complaining) is called being a guest. (Exceptions: allergies and religious prohibitions.)
1
My family and I attended a wedding reception where we watched a young guest become outraged because, although there were several vegetarian dishes available, no one had taken the time to dscover the exact preferences of the one or two vegans among 150 guests. I think the young woman actually expected an apology. Or something. For our family and friends, "so the bride should cook for you?" now means the same thing as "get over yourself."
13
I often make vegetarian options for friends who follow that diet, but barring allergies, that is the only diet I will accommodate. I never made accommodations for my kids either, although I tried to make what they liked if it fit in with the meal.
There is one couple I never invite, unfortunately, because I cannot figure out what this friend eats. He will eat out at restaurants, but he won't eat at my house, even though I can tell him what goes in his food and the restaurant won't.
There is one couple I never invite, unfortunately, because I cannot figure out what this friend eats. He will eat out at restaurants, but he won't eat at my house, even though I can tell him what goes in his food and the restaurant won't.
4
Ms. Moskin,
Yes, but... there simply must be limits. At nearly 70, I will and do eat almost anything; I was taught to do so by patents who were children of The Depression and that War Rationing. My Mother (the principal cook) never got beyond that. Truth-be-told, we always had plenty to eat, well balanced on average and always enjoyed an abundance of meat and fish. Meals out were extremely rare and 'take-away' was almost unheard of in the 50s and 60s, at least beyond NYC. Serving six for two+ meals per day was a LOT of work. She was not a great cook, but the product was reasonable. ONE balanced meal was served, and none of this 'what do you, you and you want. Nuts. One ate what was served or was excused from table and did without. Customized meals for individuals, be they adults or children? I don't think so! When I entertain and provide a meal, I try to balance my fare with the wishes of the group and I offer simple menu notes ahead of time. Guest are welcome to accept or decline, but I DO NOT change the menu to accommodate one fussy soul. Perhaps they will come next time. I know that you mean well, but I beg to differ. My eating habits today are varied and I enjoy it all. That state of culinary grace exists because I was Forced to eat a few unusual things in my early years. Today my table is varied. If ones does not like the veggie that I've chosen, bypass it or take more of the other one. The very idea of custom meals is nuts and I won't do it. Period.
Yes, but... there simply must be limits. At nearly 70, I will and do eat almost anything; I was taught to do so by patents who were children of The Depression and that War Rationing. My Mother (the principal cook) never got beyond that. Truth-be-told, we always had plenty to eat, well balanced on average and always enjoyed an abundance of meat and fish. Meals out were extremely rare and 'take-away' was almost unheard of in the 50s and 60s, at least beyond NYC. Serving six for two+ meals per day was a LOT of work. She was not a great cook, but the product was reasonable. ONE balanced meal was served, and none of this 'what do you, you and you want. Nuts. One ate what was served or was excused from table and did without. Customized meals for individuals, be they adults or children? I don't think so! When I entertain and provide a meal, I try to balance my fare with the wishes of the group and I offer simple menu notes ahead of time. Guest are welcome to accept or decline, but I DO NOT change the menu to accommodate one fussy soul. Perhaps they will come next time. I know that you mean well, but I beg to differ. My eating habits today are varied and I enjoy it all. That state of culinary grace exists because I was Forced to eat a few unusual things in my early years. Today my table is varied. If ones does not like the veggie that I've chosen, bypass it or take more of the other one. The very idea of custom meals is nuts and I won't do it. Period.
20
Having raised thirteen children, I planned my dinner and as the sign that I had hanging in my kitchen said, "You have two choices take it or leave it". Some ate and some just picked and some went to bed hungry, I suppose. The only time I catered to their individual choices was when I had breakfast for dinner on a Friday night. I was willing to prepare a hodge podge of eggs, french toast, pancakes, etc. I enjoyed being a short order cook but night after night. They all survived and are still willing to come over for Sunday dinner and either take or leave what I serve. For some reason, they take more than they leave.
14
Serious food allergies aside, I was raised in an environment where guests were supposed to be appreciative of a host's efforts and gladly accepted what was put before them. If you're a vegan, eat the salad, potato and vegetable. If you don't like fish, don't eat the fish but eat what you do like. And so on... To do otherwise was rude. In fact, I still consider it extremely rude (again, allergies aside) to, when asked by your friend if you'd like to come to dinner, to turn around and ask what s/he is serving.
29
thank you for speaking truth to power. Congratulations to everyone fortunate to have children compatible with their eating plan. We made the decision that we did not fight about food and our not adventurous eaters managed to survive. We gardened but they decided growing vegetables was where their involvement stopped. They had nice manners at other peoples houses ( and there was frequently a not adventurous eater at that house as well). Our goal was that our girls would leave our home believing they deserved beautiful food on a daily basis, not just for company and they could make this a priority--But with no judgement if it was noodles and cheese or more exotic. Now the 24 year old makes bread almost daily and the 19 year old twins are exploring feeding themselves in their first apartment. Maria Montessri said "follow the child"- we did. But that's why there is chocolate and vanilla ice cream --- if you and your child work out a different path, how nice for you--- but please don't think you understand how my child and I came to our path.
9
Many years ago, when my son brought his new girlfriend for Christmas, he announced she was a vegan. I scoured recipes to find something that she could eat (most desserts were ruled out even so). It was not a particularly relaxing or rewarding experience, Over the years she eventually decided she wanted to eat cheese and abandoned veganism for plain-old vegetarianism, joining my daughter and now, mostly, my son too. My husband hates vegetables, and we now have the weirdest array of dishes at Christmas. I am not prepared not to offer meals to my family that they can't, or won't, eat (neither kid lives nearby), but I often wish longingly for one family, one meal. as it was when I was growing up.
8
So the vegan/vegetarian was the weirdo, hard to accommodate, but the man who "hates vegetables" was just a quirk? That's an interesting bias.
Although dietary restrictions can most certainly determine what's on the menu, it strikes me as peculiar that some families cater to their picky child's intolerant attitudes.
Paul Rozin, a well-known psychologist, studied young children (16-28 months old) and adolescents (10 years old) to observe their eating habits. He found that the younger children were much more inclined to eat items that many find gross or inedible, such as fish eggs, dish soap, and a sterilized grasshopper. Conversely, the 10 year olds ate what they had been raised around, which often did not include grasshoppers (oddly enough). The point of this example is to show that perhaps no food is inherently gross, but that we are culturally shaped to prefer some foods over others. "People like what they eat, they don't eat what they like." -Kurt Lewin
While this is true around the world, exposing our children to new and diverse foods will open a world of culinary possibilities while also relieving the headache of having to cook several different dishes. Some food for thought (pun definitely intended).
Paul Rozin, a well-known psychologist, studied young children (16-28 months old) and adolescents (10 years old) to observe their eating habits. He found that the younger children were much more inclined to eat items that many find gross or inedible, such as fish eggs, dish soap, and a sterilized grasshopper. Conversely, the 10 year olds ate what they had been raised around, which often did not include grasshoppers (oddly enough). The point of this example is to show that perhaps no food is inherently gross, but that we are culturally shaped to prefer some foods over others. "People like what they eat, they don't eat what they like." -Kurt Lewin
While this is true around the world, exposing our children to new and diverse foods will open a world of culinary possibilities while also relieving the headache of having to cook several different dishes. Some food for thought (pun definitely intended).
18
Cooks should not "cater" to those they are cooking for unless they are professional chefs! COME ON! I am 42 and have been vegetarian for 30 years. My mother still "forgets" and ALWAYS serves a meat based meal. No big deal, I pick the meat out or make myself a PB&J when I am eating at her home.
25
at our place it's 2 kids with different tastes, my diabetic husband and vegetarian me. i always have a number of dishes ready to go. what is a main dish for me, say a bulgur and veggie salad with seeds or crumbled cheese on top can be the side dish for my husband with whatever the main dish is. lentil dal can be eaten in a bowl or in a wrap, if it's thick enough. it's all about multifunctionality!
3
Most of the joy of cooking for my family (and sometimes friends) comes from creating a moment when we pause from our own individual busy lives and come together to enjoy something as a family. I'm happy to make some minor tweaks available so dinner is actually enjoyable. It seems to me this approach allows that without much ado: I have to chop and slice things anyway, why not serve in pretty little dishes and let people pick and choose what they want? (And that includes me getting the dose of hot sauce my husband abhors!) My kids usually enjoy feeling they have some hand in creating the food they are eating (and that's a lesson I dearly want to teach); we get to guide them on how to make good choices when confronted with variety (yes, your taco must include two vegetables, not just cheese and sour cream) and still include the central idea that, generally, you need to find a way to live with what life hands you (add more ketchup to those beans if you find them not to your taste). But mostly, we get a lot of really great family dinners where the focus is on coming together and talking about our days -- not fretting over the food. Lots to love here!
21
I always accommodate my dinner guests by preparing a delicious, gourmet vegan meal that everyone can enjoy. Good food is good food.
7
Foodie mom here who scratch cooks for two picky kids everyday. Quick quiz -- did you or your kids ever turn down birthday party cake with that saturated-dye saccharine-sweet frosting? I did as a kid. My kids do, too. Highly Sensitive types (kids and adults) literally have more sorting mechanisms going on in their brain. We see distinctions, and can get overwhelmed by things that others just don't register as notable. What all these commenters call self-indulgence or attention seeking is actually a protective evolutionary trait in some of us that cannot be turned off. This article is a legit effort to bridge the divide. BTW, one of the easiest ways to please a picky crowd is to prepare foods simply. That doesn't mean preparing more food items either (the approach this article takes) -- it just means steaming cauliflower instead of dripping bechamel with black pepper on it. Or, as this article suggests, putting the bechamel on the side. You aren't accommodating us. You are engaging in an act of faith that other people might register things that aren't on your radar. Is it so impossible to believe that this could be true?
28
Oh my. You mean all this time that I've had to put up with what I thought was rude and narcissistic behavior from dinner guests who I thought were simply demanding special attention instead of joining the communion and flavor at my table (I am a CIA-trained chef) were instead simply being "highly sensitive"? So the woman who was a stranger to me and the new companion of a long-time friend, for whom I made a completely separate vegan meal and who dug through my trash can to confirm that the pasta I cooked for her had no eggs in it was simply being sensitive? Who knew? Is this when I was supposed to bridge the divide, while picking up the trash spilled on my kitchen floor and while she was being evolutionary?
The next time a guest's girlfriend or whomever comes to my dinner table after I've spent a day and a ton of money cooking for her or him only to demand exceptional treatment (when I already thought a day's worth of cooking and welcoming her into my home was already exceptional treatment), I will apologize and adjust my radar. instead I will serve an act of faith and withhold my dripping bechamel.
The next time a guest's girlfriend or whomever comes to my dinner table after I've spent a day and a ton of money cooking for her or him only to demand exceptional treatment (when I already thought a day's worth of cooking and welcoming her into my home was already exceptional treatment), I will apologize and adjust my radar. instead I will serve an act of faith and withhold my dripping bechamel.
39
So true. My mother was one of those "eat it or don't eat" parents, and since very often my choice was "don't eat," she pushed me to eat foods that *literally* made me gag. She thought I was faking it. I wasn't. I was never, never, never indulged but was picky anyway. I grew out of it eventually, but it wasn't until I learned to cook for myself that I discovered I liked food.
As the parent and cook of two fairly picky eaters, I compromise: I usually find something we all like with some minor adjustments. It's not coddling, it's just being reasonable.
As the parent and cook of two fairly picky eaters, I compromise: I usually find something we all like with some minor adjustments. It's not coddling, it's just being reasonable.
5
It's unfortunate that you had a terrible experience with an ungrateful guest. "Activist" vegans, as I call them, exist; they have no qualms about shaming anyone for their cause. But, so do jerks in general exist. The mistake is to let one (or even several) ill mannered person(s) dictate your attitude towards people who for whatever reason just can't eat everything. We're not all "that" dinner guest.
7
I like 'cooking' like this for the family meal grind. 'Toppings' can sometimes stretch over more than one night. Too, it's a way for me to eat some of my faves while not alienating the three less heat-inclined members of the family.
Others have mentionned tortillas (tonight's dinner), rice bowls, pizzas. We build our own makis, miso soup - add what you want to your bowl - and spring rolls too.
Let's be clear: friends do have to eat what is cooked when they are over for dinner, lol.
Others have mentionned tortillas (tonight's dinner), rice bowls, pizzas. We build our own makis, miso soup - add what you want to your bowl - and spring rolls too.
Let's be clear: friends do have to eat what is cooked when they are over for dinner, lol.
2
Oh how nice for a vegan, another pasta primavera. Is this really 2015?
5
It is. Not everyone has gotten on the bandwagon for the latest food fad.
14
I don't believe in accommodating. It's a slippery slope. I invite only a few folks to my house and otherwise it's off to a restaurant. I grew up in a house where there were no accommodations and I'm a traditionalist that way.
25
It's not hard to make a meal that everyone can enjoy.
4
A slippery slope to what? What terrible thing could result from making sure any allergens are on the side and there's a dessert that has no dairy?
8
Karen, the slippery slope is to being a short order cook and making three different meals every single night so that every person gets exactly what he/she "loves" at all times. That's with your own family. With friends, I like to hope that if they say yes to dinner, they'll either alert me to their food issues beforehand or be polite and eat what's served. No - just in case- extra stuff.
14
My mother was no great chef, but when I was a child her mantra was "this is not a restaurant". I had the choice to eat it or not, but there was *never* cereal, pbj or buttered noodles as a back up plan. Occasionally dinner was so awful to me (hello, liver & onions) that I would have to eat it with a clothes pin on my nose. Now as an adult, there are only two things that I steadfastly refuse to eat (liver & onions not being one). On the contrary my two adult cousins, who were raised almost exclusively on buttered noodles and Cheerios, now have such insufferably limited palates that they have been banned from our table indefinitely.
36
Here, here! I was "forced" to eat everything and anything as a kid and now, the only thing I don't eat is tarragon. I will eat it actually, just don't like it.
2
I truly enjoy the challenge of cooking for a group of family and friends that includes omnivores, vegetarians, vegans, Muslims, celiacs, and PKUs. (no lactose intolerants?) However, I did advise my children "don't marry a picky eater". We are fortunate to have delicious abundance and beyond that, I can't worry if someone chooses not to eat any particular food at my table.
3
Making food for a family night after night is a delicate balance in maintaining mental health. No appeasing leads to fighting, resenting, worrying about full stomachs, and/or possibly more work in the kitchen. Too much appeasing means feeling like an unpaid short order cook. I appreciate the empathy and inspiration your piece provided, Julia. It gives me hope for fewer fisticuffs with my kids in the near future!
18
Let me add another two ideas:
1- Roll-yer-own tacos. Put tortillas on each person's plate and then preferably a lazy Susan of cheese, tomatoes, cukes, peppers, beans, a meat or fish concoction, and cilantro.
2- Roll-yer-own temaki. Put nori seaweed, a bowl of sushi rice (that's the difficult part), various sushi cuts of fish and seafood, avocado, cucumber spears, umeboshi, and shiso leaves.
If you do this, your fussy guests won't even have to tell you what they won't eat. Nuts to them anyway.
1- Roll-yer-own tacos. Put tortillas on each person's plate and then preferably a lazy Susan of cheese, tomatoes, cukes, peppers, beans, a meat or fish concoction, and cilantro.
2- Roll-yer-own temaki. Put nori seaweed, a bowl of sushi rice (that's the difficult part), various sushi cuts of fish and seafood, avocado, cucumber spears, umeboshi, and shiso leaves.
If you do this, your fussy guests won't even have to tell you what they won't eat. Nuts to them anyway.
20
Knowing the likes or dislikes of your guest is useful. Having a herd of your children's boyfriends and girlfriends - and their friends show up is great sport! Homemade pizza is always an easy way out. (Chick pea flour will solve the gluten free problem.)
This is exactly how I make most meals at my house. Lots of little bowls of toppings and sauces and no special meals for whoever doesn't like onions or avocado or beans or meat on their burrito. No whining and no short order cooking.
16
Picky children should not be coddled in this manner. In my house, children have no say in what's for dinner, we do not discuss likes and dislikes, and there is no food anyone doesn't eat. You serve youself as much or as little of the main course and sides as you want--and that's what you eat that night.
It makes my blood boil when friends bring their children over, and explain to me that "he won't eat this" etc (most recently it was a 3 year old boy whose mother told me he wouldn't eat potato salad because he doesn't like spicy food). Just put it in front of him--maybe he will! I think parental anxiety causes a lot of these chicken-nugget and buttered-pasta eaters.
It makes my blood boil when friends bring their children over, and explain to me that "he won't eat this" etc (most recently it was a 3 year old boy whose mother told me he wouldn't eat potato salad because he doesn't like spicy food). Just put it in front of him--maybe he will! I think parental anxiety causes a lot of these chicken-nugget and buttered-pasta eaters.
89
I'm with you. Once my children passed a certain age (I think it was two) I gave up trying to convince them to eat. I heard my mother's voice come out of my mouth saying, "This is not a restaurant," and the policy was born that remains in effect today: You may not criticize the food I serve, but it is your choice whether or not to eat it. If the choice is not to eat, you wait until the next meal. No snacking in between to compensate for being picky. My younger daughter, who is now 16, skipped exactly one dinner many, many years ago and learned that it's better to nibble at something you don't love than to go hours without food. Allergies and religious restrictions are the only special requests I will honor.
35
I'm with both of you! (Mark's wife here) I put dinner on the table and if the kids don't want to eat it they don't have too, but no food until the neXt meal. The only thing I let my kids do was look at the recipe to see what's in it. I have 3 kids, 2 were picky. Sorry, this isn't a diner.
6
When my kids were young a woman told me she couldn't believe my kids would eat Chinese food. She told me there was no way her child would ever do that. I told her it was a good thing he wasn't born in China. She laughed.
1
I think that some of these alleged sensitivities are another way of attention seeking and have no basis in reality. I have every sympathy for those with legitimate issues, but it has become all to common for people to decide that they need special treatment because of some food related problem. Home cooking is not the equivalent of a restaurant. If you have a list of food issues, you can politely accept an invitation and let your hostess know that you will bring your own food. As for offspring who try on no gluten or vegan, they are welcome to make their own meals (assuming they are old enough). Getting dinner on the table every night is a thankless enough job without it becoming an a la carte restaurant.
80
When I became vegan about 20 years ago my mom dealt with it exactly this way--she told me to learn to cook my own food--and it worked well. I was about 15 at the time and the learning curve was steep (I made a bunch of bad food at first). But eventually I'd figured out how to feed myself and others, because once my cooking stopped being terrible I could occasionally entice my carnivorous friends and family to share what I'd made. It taught me lot of appreciation and respect for the time, expense, and effort that cooking for oneself or for a family entails.
40
I just order several pizzas for the young adults who all have varying ideas concerning nutrition....or go out----it's very discouraging and expensive and time consuming to provide food for young people. Sometimes---I just tell them to bring their own food. I think that eventually I'll just put out several snacks and drinks and forget about dinner or lunch---or breakfast. So many issues---and such righteousness---I feel I am in church...or listening to political candidates.
32
The furthest I will go is one plain pizza, one pepperoni.
End of problem.
End of problem.
8
'...(Unless, of course, the culinary conservative in your household demands otherwise.)...'
Good luck with anyone in my household 'demanding' that I cook exactly what they want, as they will be pointed to the pantry, where they can find bread and peanut butter and jelly to make their own sandwich.
The idea of a base with optional toppings is a good one, but a better idea is to teach children to cook (and clean up), so by the time they are teenagers, they are cooking for themselves and the family.
It does no child any favors for them to see their parents as servants and their meals as if they are in a restaurant.
Good luck with anyone in my household 'demanding' that I cook exactly what they want, as they will be pointed to the pantry, where they can find bread and peanut butter and jelly to make their own sandwich.
The idea of a base with optional toppings is a good one, but a better idea is to teach children to cook (and clean up), so by the time they are teenagers, they are cooking for themselves and the family.
It does no child any favors for them to see their parents as servants and their meals as if they are in a restaurant.
87
While I applaud the cook who wants to go out of his/her way to please everyone, these garnish your own meals are a huge hassle for a cook -- multiple garnishes need to be chopped and prepped, resulting in multiple dishes to wash. This is not a weekday meal plan. Obviously as a cook you try to cook what people like to eat, but the cook is the one doing the work. Unless they want to pitch in (possible perhaps in this plan), family members should learn to eat what they are served, and appreciate that someone else has put in the effort to put a good meal on the table.
70
Having to make supper one night when my children were young and the leftovers in the house seemed inadequate to serve all four of us, I made refried beans from canned black beans, shredding whatever meat I found in the fridge, grating some cheddar, and making a platter with chopped cucumbers, radishes, red pepper, scallions and shredded lettuce. Everything went on the table with a jar of mild salsa. Everyone "rolled" their own selection of ingredients in small flour tortillas, and "roll-up" night has remained a family favorite.
16
Pasta? How fortunate you are not to have any friends and family members who are convinced that wheat -- the mainstay of the western diet for more than 4,000 years now -- will destroy their brains!
94
Nice work to try and be as inclusionary as possible, while not going off the deep end yourself. There are times though when the onus is on the diner, who just needs to suck it up and not expect much (or bring your own dishes).
I'm reminded of my own choice some years ago to resume a lacto-vegetarian diet a few weeks before the holiday season. I realized only on my way to our traditional kickoff celebration the first weekend of November, that there would be little for me to eat. That day was truly a test of my choice, but I got by with mashed potatoes and green beans, and lots of butter. Bottom line: people make dietary choices for a lot of good reasons, and good for you for embracing that.
I'm reminded of my own choice some years ago to resume a lacto-vegetarian diet a few weeks before the holiday season. I realized only on my way to our traditional kickoff celebration the first weekend of November, that there would be little for me to eat. That day was truly a test of my choice, but I got by with mashed potatoes and green beans, and lots of butter. Bottom line: people make dietary choices for a lot of good reasons, and good for you for embracing that.
4
Having just made a dish for a party with 8 adults, among whom three diners didn't eat all or part of the following: gluten, dairy, grains, cruciferous vegetables, nightshades, and sugar, I can say that perhaps we go too far these days with the attempt to control our diets. The dish that I made, while fitting well with all but one person, didn't please me, and I'm an accomplished cook and recipe developer. I lament the demise of food as pleasure and nutrition, replaced by a misunderstanding and trendy clinging to the idea that some foods are poison. The view that certain foods are toxic (and perhaps they are to that individual), and that every cook must bend to the momentary devotion of each diner to detoxifying and cleaning ones gut is growing daily. I have noticed that those who are prey to such thinking have been the worst offenders in their previous lives, and the pendulum of healthy eating has swung so far to the opposite extreme that it really is no better, just different. A case in point: a friend who was doing a cleanse told me that the package of processed "green beans" from Trader Joe's had set off her IBS. Whole foods, prepared simply and recognizable as themselves in raw form, are the place to start for most dieters seeking positive change. Let the cooks cook, and expect them to ask the outliers to bring their own food. Chile can go on the side for the children and timid. Why should we all suffer?
94
To: pat santa fe
I sympathize with your problem. As for myself, the only cruciferous vegetable that I like is cauliflower baked with sharp cheese on top.
I noticed that none of your guests were averse to meat: being in Santa Fe, could you not have procured a large game herbivore for the feat?
I sympathize with your problem. As for myself, the only cruciferous vegetable that I like is cauliflower baked with sharp cheese on top.
I noticed that none of your guests were averse to meat: being in Santa Fe, could you not have procured a large game herbivore for the feat?
2
So what did you make for the party?
1
Pat, this speaks well for a bowl of oat meal or grits. It's difficult to change them to exciting fare, but a darn sight safer. It is interesting that not so far in the past, we somehow managed to eat many of the same things with far fewer dire results.
5
An excellent article that gives many options to those who like pasta, fatty bacon and beans.
I wholly agree with Ms. Moskin that it is impossible always to guess the tastes of all the guests. The host should not feel insulted if some of the dishes are not touched by some of the guests. It would not be better to follow the old diplomatic tradition of one turning one's plate upside down, while continuing to smile and conduct conversation with one's neighbors -- this was the custom for a guest who felt being placed at a seat below his rank or dignity.
I wholly agree with Ms. Moskin that it is impossible always to guess the tastes of all the guests. The host should not feel insulted if some of the dishes are not touched by some of the guests. It would not be better to follow the old diplomatic tradition of one turning one's plate upside down, while continuing to smile and conduct conversation with one's neighbors -- this was the custom for a guest who felt being placed at a seat below his rank or dignity.
8