"Since Dad took up residence in our living room two years ago, I have hired and managed his 24-hour cast of caregivers ..."
Aaand, there you have it. It's ever so lovely and touching that the author's caring for her father at home and that she buys him books and orders wheelchairs. It would also be lovely if she noticed how privileged a position she's in with respect to making decisions for a parent who can't live on his own anymore. I wonder what she'd do if the family couldn't afford to pay for 24-hour care. (And I wonder how much those caregivers are being paid, and whether they get benefits.)
I want to see an essay about the structural economic inequities and flat stupid Medicare policies that force some of us to make choices we can't be this self-congratulatory about.
Aaand, there you have it. It's ever so lovely and touching that the author's caring for her father at home and that she buys him books and orders wheelchairs. It would also be lovely if she noticed how privileged a position she's in with respect to making decisions for a parent who can't live on his own anymore. I wonder what she'd do if the family couldn't afford to pay for 24-hour care. (And I wonder how much those caregivers are being paid, and whether they get benefits.)
I want to see an essay about the structural economic inequities and flat stupid Medicare policies that force some of us to make choices we can't be this self-congratulatory about.
30
It's so heartening to read this. It's not easy to care for the elderly more so when they are incapacitated and are thousands of miles away. My parents and mother in law are all in India. While my octogenarian parents are still managing albeit with difficulty, my mother in law is mostly bedridden with dementia. It's grueling to manage the tiniest of tasks from here. Sometimes, I wish they were just with us. I prefer my house becoming a care center rather living in a state of incessant anxiety of "what next?" The article resonated so well. Thanks for sharing it.
1
An otherwise lovely piece about caring for an elderly relative is undermined by the snide remark about those families who rely on professional, skilled nursing care in a facility. We aren't "tucking them away" so much as recognizing that the needs of our loved ones are beyond the scope of what can be provided in home. Just as mommy wars that pit stay-at-home parents against parents who rely on child-care are pointless, so too is the senseless comparisons and posturing to present yourself as the perfect daughter. Enjoy this time with your dad for as long as you have it, and go easy on yourself and others when it becomes more than one person can do.
19
I've been there and walked that road. Bought every book and magazine, talked to every nurse and doctor, agonized over who was working what shift at Walgreen's. Ultimately, my mother moved to a wonderful assisted living apartment. There was still hovering but I had a layer of "protection" -someone else to get and administer drugs, get her bathed, figure out meals.
It is a hamster wheel life and I am not sure I would do it again. I know I do not want my daughter to live it.
Sadly, at the end of her life, I wish I had felt more than relief.
It is a hamster wheel life and I am not sure I would do it again. I know I do not want my daughter to live it.
Sadly, at the end of her life, I wish I had felt more than relief.
11
I kept my aunt in her own home for the 18 months after being widowed. She had 24/7 care and adequate family involvement.I was POA as she had no children. But sometimes I think she would have been happier in a nursing home, at least for the full year after her husband died. I believed in my heart that it was best she continue to live in her own home. She never owned a home till she married at age 45. But she did not get much daily social interaction while living in that home. If I took her out to a fruit stand, whatever, her grief would diminish as she was a very social person. At the funeral, several people offered their opinion; she would have been happier in a more social situation. I could have moved her closer to me. Auntie knows I did my best. I know I did my best. In the end, that is all that matters. But I offer this story to others. I felt a nursing home was sending her to an "institution." But keeping her in her own home was, in a sense, restricting her social access. I called every day; managed her finances. She knew she was loved and appreciated. That is the bottom line.
8
You are fortunate to be able to make that choice for your family...and it's fortunate for your father that his ailments don't make it impossible for you to maintain him, as hard as that job is in terms of logistics (not of love). My own surviving parent is like a giant toddler, my home a tiny deathtrap of obstacles for her, our budget tightly constrained. I am grateful that my parents saved money and had good jobs so that their funds can now support the survivor in a small, loving adult family home near us. I wouldn't say that we "tucked" my parent into this place, though it is nice to hear "tucked" rather than "dumped" for a change.
6
I too cared for my mom for 3 1/2 years. Unfortunately, I had to put mu mom into nursing home recently. She broke her hip last year and has never quite been the same. The short term memory loss became more. She had episodes of incontinence and other bathroom issues. But scariest of all was when Mom started waking up 2-3 times during the night. Many nights I found her in various stages of undress or thinking she was in the bathroom. That was when I knew she and I need more help than I could give her at home since I couldn't afford or have room for 24 hour care. It was not an easy decision. And I still am a "helicopter daughter". No nursing home facility is as good a home. The facility I found is very close to my home. So I am able to pop in and out many times during the week and on weekends. I sit with her while she eats or take her for walks. And much to the staffs amusement and wonderment I sometimes curl next to my mom in her bed and we talk for hours. And I love her smile when she sees me especially when I bring her coffee from home
13
I think that some people perhaps always like to busy themselves, as then they don't have to focus on themselves, or emotions, or feelings, etc. Because they are simply too busy. I mean, clearly your father needs care, but then you said you busied yourself to this same degree with your son, and at times when he really didn't need that much attention.
I also think that women tend to more often do this type of 'heavy lifting', if only because they assume (sometimes correctly, sometimes incorrectly) that their male counterparts won't do it. So then it becomes self-fulfilling..the women automatically assume the role before some of the men even had a chance to do so. And granted, maybe some men, in seeing this, could offer to step in or replace the female family member doing the work. But I think there is also this feeling among women that only they can do such work properly, and that the men shouldn't even bother trying. So I think when you combine all of this, it indeed often becomes self-fulfilling.
I also think that women tend to more often do this type of 'heavy lifting', if only because they assume (sometimes correctly, sometimes incorrectly) that their male counterparts won't do it. So then it becomes self-fulfilling..the women automatically assume the role before some of the men even had a chance to do so. And granted, maybe some men, in seeing this, could offer to step in or replace the female family member doing the work. But I think there is also this feeling among women that only they can do such work properly, and that the men shouldn't even bother trying. So I think when you combine all of this, it indeed often becomes self-fulfilling.
2
I never thought of my full time care of both parents in my home as "helicoptering"; I never even heard the word. It is devotion, it is commitment. However, it becomes more difficult over time, as you find it hard to believe with each passing year that your parents could once enjoy reading, telling a story, or even a breath of the outdoors. And with each year, your own struggles may grow as well. There is no comparison with raising children, who improve over time, and bounce up from each fall. At the end of the most demanding period of care will come death, and a terrible crash for the caregiver. I am trying to prepare for that now, but I am not sure I will be able to handle it.
1
You analyze this too much. Just keep doing what you're doing.
My sister was a helicopter daughter. She is a widow with 2 teenagers. Yet, she did not hesitate to bring our 90 year father, with age related memory loss, to live with her. Her teenaged daughter gave up a bedroom. They all gave up spontaneity, privacy, time, vacations, the control of the tv remote, the control of the thermostat, free time and much, much more. Dad was a charmer and a joy to be around. He was physically fit but often confused. He was happy. Except when he wasn't. Carol was a saint. I helped as much as I could. Dad lived with her for almost 3 years. One day, while on one of his daily walks, he fell and broke a hip. My sister and her family was on a long awaited vacation and I was in charge of Dad. After a terrible stay in a "rehab facility", I brought him home to my sister's house. He was happy. Yet, at 92, you do not recover from a broken hip that easily. Dad started slipping away, even with my sister's gentle care. He died in his own bed, in his own home, surrounded by all the people he loved, his 2 surviving children, son-in-law and grandchildren. Even though my sister worked very hard caring for him, she wouldn't trade a minute. And she still misses him to this day. So do I. Her teenagers learned patience and compassion and the true meaning of love by having their grandpa in the house. Yet, almost every single day, either my sister or I were encouraged to "put him in a home". Never. Never in a million years.
7
Beneath all this is the is the question that each of us, the old and the-not-so-old need to ask and clarify: When does care becomes an addiction to life.
As people who still don't have not reached infinite level of resources, we have to "pay" for what we decide to do. There may not be one universal solution but the principle behind it need to be discussed - openly, candidly, with courage, if we want to retain some semblance of "good life."
As people who still don't have not reached infinite level of resources, we have to "pay" for what we decide to do. There may not be one universal solution but the principle behind it need to be discussed - openly, candidly, with courage, if we want to retain some semblance of "good life."
This is a bit disingenuous! You love to be the center of people's lives! And you seem to be happy that it is "appropriate" to do so with your father. Perhaps. But long-term care facilities can offer your father many more opportunities to "flirt" and to socialize, can offer support as he deteriorates, as he certainly will, and can take you out of the center of his universe where inevitably, if his memory continues to erode, you could experience backlash from him. Just like with children, "It takes a village." My parents always said their gift to us was to pick out and move to a retirement/care community while it was their choice. When things deteriorate, I don't think you will want to write another op ed!
5
I have my 91 year old father living with me. I was never a helicopter mom, but I need to be a hovering daughter. Dad eats ice cream every day, often more than once. One day, when someone raised an eyebrow and asked if it was good for him, he replied, "if I can't eat ice cream now, when can I?" It's all a balancing act. It's hard but not a hardship, and it is a gift to me and to his grandchildren.
3
There is a huge difference between "helicoptering" your child and your parent. The danger of helicopter parenting is that children do not learn to deal with things on their own, nor to have the self-confidence to make their own decisions. Since the end result of parenting a child is to release a largely self-sufficient adult unto the world, this can delay or prevent this process, in some cases. With a parent, you have an already self-sufficient adult becoming more dependent- pretty much the exact opposite process. There is no reason not to be as involved and caring as you wish, as long as your parent is also OK with this level of caring and involvement. Have fun, enjoy these years the best you can! Despite his decline with dementia, my mother still remembers the last years of his life fondly.
3
I am reading this from my parent's house because my Dad broke his hip and is in the hospital. He and my Mom are in their late 80's. They refuse any help and insist on living independently. Both of them are frail, on walkers, my mother is blind, and yesterday sent away the guy I brought in to set up a pendant for her to wear should she fall or become ill that would bring in help. I live 5 hours away from them. I wish I could be a helicopter daughter knowing that their resistance to any kind of help will shorten their lives.
2
Much has been said about keeping parents at home and avoiding nursing homes, the implication being one is good and the other is bad. But I have found that these choices are not that simple. When my dad got sick before he died six years ago, he begged Mom and the four children to let him go home. But we lived in Seattle, Fargo, Austin and (me the closest)\ in Chicago three hours away. Mom was already struggling with dementia. They had been making a go of it because Dad was strong mentally and Mom was strong physically. He couldn't go home because she couldn't take care of him and no one else was there. Since then Mom sold her house, moved to independent living,and when that wasn't enough, moved to Fargo assisted living to be near my brother, and finally moved back to an assisted living facility in her hometown when I quit my job and moved there to care for my newly divorced daughter and grandson. These are all choices that were made lovingly and responsibly at the time, considering all the moving pieces. I still second guess them and feel guilty for not taking my parents into my home, which my husband thought we should. But I also knew what I could handle and what I couldn't. I applaud any choices that are made lovingly and responsibly by family members and care givers. This is not a perfect world and there are no easy answers.
6
Your father sounds like someone fun to have around, despite the work for you. Not all of us are so fortunate. It makes me sad for me and my mother.
5
Mimi- A bit of unsolicited advice: Keep pouring your love and advocacy into your dad. It sounds like you certainly have the endurance and resources. But, take some of your spinning anxiety out of the equation if you can. Work smarter, not harder. Even with caregiving there are moments when less is more. Helicoptering is not loving someone better or more, it is merely overflow neurosis poured onto a loved one.
Your role as a caregiver might be a long haul. You may be the kind of person who never burns out. (My stamina was unending during a five year stint of caring for my dear father-in-law with dementia.) Still, over the top behavior has unintended, subtle effects on those around you, perhaps including your dad. It is painful to watch a loved one's mind deteriorate, to watch their interests and personalities eventually shift, their old habits and likes transform or disappear. The relentless trial and error in search of the perfect book or most intellectually appropriate TV show is one I am quite familiar with. But it can also be a lot of pressure on your loved one to have to try on your behalf to enjoy life as they once did instead of as they now are.
Lastly, for everyone's sake, indulge in some wine and carbs. The man is 88. I assume you guys are going for quality not quantity. Have some fun. My father-in-law became obsessed with hot chocolate and eating five scoops of ice cream a night. We indulged his desires and he died a happier man for it.
Your role as a caregiver might be a long haul. You may be the kind of person who never burns out. (My stamina was unending during a five year stint of caring for my dear father-in-law with dementia.) Still, over the top behavior has unintended, subtle effects on those around you, perhaps including your dad. It is painful to watch a loved one's mind deteriorate, to watch their interests and personalities eventually shift, their old habits and likes transform or disappear. The relentless trial and error in search of the perfect book or most intellectually appropriate TV show is one I am quite familiar with. But it can also be a lot of pressure on your loved one to have to try on your behalf to enjoy life as they once did instead of as they now are.
Lastly, for everyone's sake, indulge in some wine and carbs. The man is 88. I assume you guys are going for quality not quantity. Have some fun. My father-in-law became obsessed with hot chocolate and eating five scoops of ice cream a night. We indulged his desires and he died a happier man for it.
6
It is loving & wonderful if you CAN care for a parent or senior in your (or their) home. But I worry that this guilts those who simply cannot. Ms. Schwartz does not explain how she is able to do this without working full time.
Some people simply do not have this situation. Others have relationships with their senior parents that have tension or long-standing quarrels. Some love each other, but simply cannot live together.
I've seen very decent people, who PROMISED mom or dad that they would "never put them in a nursing home" -- and those adults virtually KILLED THEMSELVES to provide dementia care to an increasingly sick and belligerent adult who attacked them, hit hired caretakers, threw feces and tried to run away on a daily basis. This was in the senior's OWN HOME, not the daughter's home. Her memory had failed to the degree she had no idea where she was, so a nursing home would not have even upset her that much. But the daughter had "promised". Now she has a damaged back herself and her nerves are shot, and she had to quit her job, so that she is lacking SS credits and IRA savings for HER OWN retirement.
Killing yourself or ruining your own life is not proof that you love your parent.
(I want to agree on the "quality vs quantity" thing. I'd rather die happy at 85 drinking a cocktail and eating a hot fudge sundae, than live to 100 sucking gruel from a straw.)
Some people simply do not have this situation. Others have relationships with their senior parents that have tension or long-standing quarrels. Some love each other, but simply cannot live together.
I've seen very decent people, who PROMISED mom or dad that they would "never put them in a nursing home" -- and those adults virtually KILLED THEMSELVES to provide dementia care to an increasingly sick and belligerent adult who attacked them, hit hired caretakers, threw feces and tried to run away on a daily basis. This was in the senior's OWN HOME, not the daughter's home. Her memory had failed to the degree she had no idea where she was, so a nursing home would not have even upset her that much. But the daughter had "promised". Now she has a damaged back herself and her nerves are shot, and she had to quit her job, so that she is lacking SS credits and IRA savings for HER OWN retirement.
Killing yourself or ruining your own life is not proof that you love your parent.
(I want to agree on the "quality vs quantity" thing. I'd rather die happy at 85 drinking a cocktail and eating a hot fudge sundae, than live to 100 sucking gruel from a straw.)
12
So often the sacrifices of the children are never equal to those of the
parents -- Mimi Swartz properly and courageously picks up where her father left off -- taking care, the "sacrifice" simply an office of love.
parents -- Mimi Swartz properly and courageously picks up where her father left off -- taking care, the "sacrifice" simply an office of love.
2
I, too, am struck by how common the experience of caring for an aging parent has become. I pushed my parents to move to independent living three years ago. My mother suffered a heart attack soon after the move and died nine months later. My father turned 91 on the day of her funeral. I moved him to an assisted living center close to my home, as his medical needs were too great to care for him at home. The past 18 months have been an endless of stream of challenges, plus some moments I know I'll cherish. My finances and work demands don't allow me to be the helicopter daughter I would like to be, but I think I'm doing enough to avoid the regrets I carry for not pushing the job aside to be with my mother in her last weeks. In the end, you have to live with yourself.
20
How can you be sure he's not cheating on you with another caregiver? A home attendant, a medical specialist, an "Internet pal?" Wise up, hon, the daughter is always the last to know.
She said clearly he has multiple caregivers 24/7 - she's not doing everything herself, she's hiring and managing people..
1
Treasure your elderly parents while you can. Being their main caregiver may be the hardest thing we ever do, but no one can do it better than we can and it definitely will not last forever. At the end, there will be a lot of relief and a canyon of grief. Maybe it gets better with time; we'll see. At least we can know we did the best we could, between all the times we plague ourselves with self-doubts about what we should have done had we known better. Good luck and always remember how much you love them.
18
Heidi, I am sorry but that is simply not true. Not every adult child has the patience or temperament to be the "best caretaker". Some seniors are better off in AL homes, where they have peers to talk to and make friends with.
There is no one "cookie cutter" solution for everyone, and there is no need to guilt people who make different decisions than you do.
In my experience, it is not the AL home that is the big problem -- it's adult children who put parents there, and then wash their hands of the problem and rarely visit. Visiting is hard, because the places are full of sick, elderly people who often have dementia and that's hard on the family. But visiting is just SO important.
There is no one "cookie cutter" solution for everyone, and there is no need to guilt people who make different decisions than you do.
In my experience, it is not the AL home that is the big problem -- it's adult children who put parents there, and then wash their hands of the problem and rarely visit. Visiting is hard, because the places are full of sick, elderly people who often have dementia and that's hard on the family. But visiting is just SO important.
6
I liked your story. I have a 91 year old living in my home. Plenty of hassle/stubborness for sure - you get someone over the hump of some malady and a day later they don't even remember it ever happened and you are still a wreck.
But my Texan mom is a sort of amazingly vocal appreciator- especially of Western blue skies, cloud formations, an odd little bump on a mountain by Pikes Peak that she can see from her chair on the front porch, and assorted squirrels and birds and deer ruining the garden get lavish attention. It really is quite something.
But my Texan mom is a sort of amazingly vocal appreciator- especially of Western blue skies, cloud formations, an odd little bump on a mountain by Pikes Peak that she can see from her chair on the front porch, and assorted squirrels and birds and deer ruining the garden get lavish attention. It really is quite something.
7
In the end, all you can do is your best. If you can sleep at night, you're probably doing the right thing. Then again, you could just be utterly exhausted.
4
"In other words, I was a helicopter mom. I wasn’t a certifiable one, but there were moments. Like the time I was really mad about the “B” Sam got for an essay I’d worked really hard on."----Love that! I also have been incensed at teachers who have not appreciated my, I mean my son's, work.
3
I sometimes think that we can learn something from the Plains Indians. When we are no longer able to carry our own weight it's time to depart this world. Walk away into the night...
So much time, money, and effort is spent maintaining elderly and frail people in a minimal state of existence. To what end? It seems selfish on all sides to me.
So much time, money, and effort is spent maintaining elderly and frail people in a minimal state of existence. To what end? It seems selfish on all sides to me.
2
This article was a bit too long, but I thought I should mention that "Books on Tape" provide another supplement to the senior citizen homecare dilemma.
1
What I wouldn't give to be able to look after my father in his great old age, because it would mean I'd have had him all the years before.
2
I lost my mom when she was only 57 to the scourge that is Multiple Schlerosis -- a terrible death.
I often think as I see friends with their mothers over the years, how I would have given anything to have her with me -- even aging. She'd be 89 this October if she was alive.
I often think as I see friends with their mothers over the years, how I would have given anything to have her with me -- even aging. She'd be 89 this October if she was alive.
I was a full-time professional and single mom while I managed the care of three seniors. With the assistance of round-the-clock home care, I managed to keep both of my parents in their home until they died (father at 87, mother at 94). Unfortunately, I could not do the same for my aunt and reluctantly placed her in a nursing home. I was much more satisfied with the care that my parents received than with the care that my aunt received. I wish that I could have had my parents in my house, but I lived 65 miles away in another city, and my parents would not have understood, even with help, how to cope while I was at my office.
2
I am glad you found what worked for your family. However, "round the clock" home care -- if given by licensed, bonded home health aides from an agency -- can easily cost 3-4 times what a decent Assisted Living Home costs.
It is $20 an hour in my Midwest region, and that is $480 a day, or $15,000 a month, or $180,000 a year. In contrast, the average AL home here is about $6000 a month. DO THE MATH.
Some people do find unlicensed caregivers who are very trustworthy and compassionate -- and pay them $8-$10 an hour, no benefits, no workers comp, no paid vacation. It's a rough job, but there are workers -- nearly all are foreign women, many illegals -- who will work for this pittance.
It is $20 an hour in my Midwest region, and that is $480 a day, or $15,000 a month, or $180,000 a year. In contrast, the average AL home here is about $6000 a month. DO THE MATH.
Some people do find unlicensed caregivers who are very trustworthy and compassionate -- and pay them $8-$10 an hour, no benefits, no workers comp, no paid vacation. It's a rough job, but there are workers -- nearly all are foreign women, many illegals -- who will work for this pittance.
You mention how over caring for an elderly parent is not bad for the parent. That may depend on perspective. My wife's father had a stroke a year ago and she spends much of her time making certain that he does not hurt himself. From his perspective she is infringing on his freedom and she should just let him fend for himself despite the risk. I tend to agree with him except, as my wife points out, it is very difficult to tell how well he perceives the risk he is taking. Its a constant, frustrating balancing act.
23
There is no "one size fits all" scenarios here. I agree with those who caution against judging others' decisions regarding their aging parents. My attitude is that at the end of the day, I just want to know, for myself, that I have done the best that I can do for my parents - notwithstanding what others may or may not do, and notwithstanding what my parents may desire in an ideal world with unlimited resources.
9
Thank you Mimi for a very touching and inspiring article! Family rocks !
3
You have a Jewish father that never complains? I live in Houston, can I come over and document that, for my Jewish father-in law?
10
Caring for one's father and mother in their old age is the norm in Indian and most Asian cultures. So, I was amused to read that somehow turning your home into an 'assisted living center' for your parents is a novel idea that you suggest you have created.
But I must admit that you may be overdoing it by constantly hovering over your father. I have noticed that many of them do appreciate some space and free time withing your home, and are happy to do crossword puzzles or even Sudoku to keep themselves occupied.
Ironically, the concept of sending one's parents to 'assisted living for-profit centers' is catching on in India now, the next generation of Indians may find your an interesting read.
But I must admit that you may be overdoing it by constantly hovering over your father. I have noticed that many of them do appreciate some space and free time withing your home, and are happy to do crossword puzzles or even Sudoku to keep themselves occupied.
Ironically, the concept of sending one's parents to 'assisted living for-profit centers' is catching on in India now, the next generation of Indians may find your an interesting read.
6
Sonny: of course it isn't "new" -- but when and where it exists, it means that a woman in late middle age must give up her own life, quit her job, neglect her husband and perhaps teenage children -- to care for her elderly parents, or sometimes for her IN LAWS. WIth no pay -- no social security credits -- no IRA savings -- nothing for her OWN retirement.
This requires an entire class of mid-life adult women who give up EVERYTHING to care for others, with NOTHING in return.
In India and Asia, it is likely that most women of that age are not working outside the home, and were "stay at home moms" most of their lives.
Is it fair to ask a woman to quit her job -- to care for her parents or in laws? Because that is what you are asking. Most American women work at paying jobs outside the home.
This requires an entire class of mid-life adult women who give up EVERYTHING to care for others, with NOTHING in return.
In India and Asia, it is likely that most women of that age are not working outside the home, and were "stay at home moms" most of their lives.
Is it fair to ask a woman to quit her job -- to care for her parents or in laws? Because that is what you are asking. Most American women work at paying jobs outside the home.
1
He's 88. Why would you take away his wine and his carbs?
24
Lovely piece.
But c'mon . . . no carbs and red wine? If my son or daughter helicopter me (may my words reach Buddha's ears), I will shoot them down if they remove pasta and Burgundy from my life.
But c'mon . . . no carbs and red wine? If my son or daughter helicopter me (may my words reach Buddha's ears), I will shoot them down if they remove pasta and Burgundy from my life.
12
I have no words of wisdom. Possibly because I am too mentally fried ! I simultaneously a helicopter mom and daughter - caring for a 7, 12, and 85 year old in my home. Having a spouse that is dedicated to all three just as much as I am (yes, he gets son-in-law of the century award) is what makes it remotely possible. Not doing it was never an option for us from an ethical perspective.
But it cuts both ways - my mom offers so much to my kids - someone who will listen to them, always indulge them, agree with them ... Let them sleep in her bed when they are scared. And I feel happy to see my mom happy and safe. I really savor some of our conversations and her observations on life ...
But it cuts both ways - my mom offers so much to my kids - someone who will listen to them, always indulge them, agree with them ... Let them sleep in her bed when they are scared. And I feel happy to see my mom happy and safe. I really savor some of our conversations and her observations on life ...
13
A heart warming piece can be misleading of the dire situation many elderly face in caring for others of the same generation whose demands and care are debilitating physically, emotionally and economically. There are very few services out there in our rich society to help lift the load other than having the family member legally be termed indigent and a ward of Medicaid to be housed by an institution willing to accept and have a bed for those in need. It might be in another city and the family is put almost in a groveling position to get that. Goodness, for God to bless those living in a Red state, the churches are full there but the hearts and the compassion are as empty therein as a pauper's grave.
3
As someone who has lost both parents, one at 61 and the other at 65, I wish that I had the opportunity to have my parents with me in my home. As someone who will hopefully reach the age of 88 someday, I applaud the comfort you are providing for your father. Sounds like you have one heck of a husband too.
6
It's wonderful that you are able to come downstairs and join your father for a cup of coffee. It's clear that your efforts to help him have helped him have a better quality of life and not simply live longer. I hope you never get to a point where you have to start weighing quantity of days VS quality of days. Have a plan in any case.
I lost my my mom after a short battle with cancer when I was 34. My dad had a massive heart attack less than a year later and remained on a respirator/trache for 9 months in various horrific nursing homes. His children didn't want to do it, but the doctors assured us he'd come off. One even said, "He'll walk you down the aisle" to me as I was in the midst of planning my wedding. He didn't, we had to skype him in, and we made the best of it, but all of his children and his sister suffered greatly. It's been 5 years and I think we're only coming out of the dust now. You and your father are both so brave. Had you cared for your dad before you had kids, I like had, I can assure you that you that you wouldn't have had as much anxiety about raising Sam. While these things are similar in the nature of the care, they (fortunately, for most), do not have weight of life VS death with children. This knowledge never dies.
I lost my my mom after a short battle with cancer when I was 34. My dad had a massive heart attack less than a year later and remained on a respirator/trache for 9 months in various horrific nursing homes. His children didn't want to do it, but the doctors assured us he'd come off. One even said, "He'll walk you down the aisle" to me as I was in the midst of planning my wedding. He didn't, we had to skype him in, and we made the best of it, but all of his children and his sister suffered greatly. It's been 5 years and I think we're only coming out of the dust now. You and your father are both so brave. Had you cared for your dad before you had kids, I like had, I can assure you that you that you wouldn't have had as much anxiety about raising Sam. While these things are similar in the nature of the care, they (fortunately, for most), do not have weight of life VS death with children. This knowledge never dies.
2
When you check out nursing homes, there's a figure for how many hours of care giving are provided to residents. That's for doctors, nurses, bathing, eating assistance - everything. It's shockingly little. So the reality is that we put family members in these institutions and think they are getting better care. No, they are being warehoused.
So before anyone declares themselves nuts for taking care of family members at home, think about the vast majority of time they would spend alone and give yourselves a break. Even if you do a mediocre job, it's probably far better than an institution. Plus, when your family member passes, there's absolutely no guilt because you provided them the best end of life they could have.
If you are lucky enough to be in a situation to be a helicopter child, I highly recommend it.
So before anyone declares themselves nuts for taking care of family members at home, think about the vast majority of time they would spend alone and give yourselves a break. Even if you do a mediocre job, it's probably far better than an institution. Plus, when your family member passes, there's absolutely no guilt because you provided them the best end of life they could have.
If you are lucky enough to be in a situation to be a helicopter child, I highly recommend it.
5
I can totally relate. Been there, done that. My experience was not as intense as Mimi's. But it does become a life style. My goal in life is to keep my kids out of the 'helicopter' business. Not sure how that's going to happen. But I will try.
2
"...closes in on his ninth decade." Honey, your father is about to END his ninth decade. His first decade ended on his 10th birthday; his second on his 20th birthday... his ninth ends on his 90th birthday. So he is closing in on his tenth decade, God bless him!
4
My sister and I totally understand the author's "helicopter" status. Even after a quadruple bypass at age 69, it seemed like our dad was going to be healthy, independent and live on his own forever. Then he got into his 80s. Another heart surgery and several other health problems required more and more of our assistance. Each time we hit a plateau for a while something else would happen. Several falls and some senility complicated matters further. Just before he turned 88, we had to send him from rehab to a nursing facility. Is it the best for him? Is there a "best" solution? I don't know. But I do know that no one can judge any family for the decisions they make in an impossible situation.
46
Feh! You do the nest that you can as you are able. Have healthy boundaries
4
As the daughter of a 94 year old father who suffers from vascular dementia, I can empathize with Mimi Swartz. The one thing I would disagree with is her insistence on his diet changing so radically. At 94, my father still enjoys the occasional whisky or cream cake; he considers them a bit wicked and so relishes them! I think that any damage done by his life-long diet of fried foods, whisky, chocolate and nightly dessert (he lives in Scotland) is irreparable so he might as well enjoy the things he can still eat!
9
Amen, JMR--and provided they are still physically capable of eating, food is something a person can continue to enjoy even if their physical and/or cognitive abilities may be limited in other ways. I hope that when (knock on wood) I am old someday, whomever is caring for me will quite honestly let me eat junk if I want to--people in the last phases of their life (be it a year or a decade away) should be able to enjoy the time they have left, even if it might involve some "unhealthy" behaviors. Honestly those sorts of things are probably less of a risk in the diet of a 90 year old than a 19 year old; in a long term sense.
5
I am doing 24/7 care for both parents in their 90's. It is difficult to see the quietness overcome them. Enjoying a book or even an article will likely fade away, and the spoken stories will likely turn to a quietness and even more sleep. But it is still so worthwhile.
2
Oh you lucky ones who had a wonderful parent who you care for now. I have the mother who was nasty to everyone but tight with my sister and the two of them made my father's life hell on earth. My parents divorced: it was 100 per cent my mother's doing, though my father had peace at least. He died very young, and my mother lives on forever. My sister will not talk to her and so with my wife, we are the care givers. My mother is still nasty, controlling, carrier of lies, and always looking for some one to do for her. I believe I am nothing like her and my wife and I are waiting on her hand and foot, but not in our living room. But, she has even suggested moving in, to our home, an having us convert our living room into a bed room for her. And, she would need one bathroom too, she adds.
5
As the Helicopter Son of two--father 93; mother 89--I salute you. Others disagree, but we know what we are doing, and figure it out when we don't. Mine are thriving-while-dying.
2
Forgot to mention two things, the Anthony Doerr book is FANTASTIC and I highly recommend it to everyone. Fascinating story, excellently written, absorbing, realistic but with spirituality throughout. Couldn't get enough of it, and his short story collections are good too.
Also I think the important part about caring for a parent on the downward slope is, if people dodge doing it, they're missing that chance to help for good. They'll have decades more, after their parent passes away, to regret not having been around, not having tried to ease their parent's twilight years, not having tried to repay the debt they owe for being born and raised. It's OK to blow it off if the parent in question was a hideous person, a molester or abandoner or so forth, but for most people, they're best off at least doing whatever they can to help. Regretting something for decades when there's no way to make up for it is not something I'd like to go through.
Also I think the important part about caring for a parent on the downward slope is, if people dodge doing it, they're missing that chance to help for good. They'll have decades more, after their parent passes away, to regret not having been around, not having tried to ease their parent's twilight years, not having tried to repay the debt they owe for being born and raised. It's OK to blow it off if the parent in question was a hideous person, a molester or abandoner or so forth, but for most people, they're best off at least doing whatever they can to help. Regretting something for decades when there's no way to make up for it is not something I'd like to go through.
So first you write about how you're NOT taking care of your parents, then you write a scolding post telling the rest of us we should?
Sorry DW you misunderstood me, I'm afraid I wasn't clear. Luckily my step-mom is shouldering most of the burden of taking care of my dad, but I am helping out at every opportunity and I helped take care of him twice over this last three day weekend. I also helped out a good deal with my mom during her recovery from surgery for cancer, and am committed to helping however I can for the rest of her life. I took care of my granddad during his last years, and assisted a good bit with my grandmother as well. I do everything I'm asked to do and more, so no, I'm not failing to take care of my family and I will have no regrets about these twilight times.
Ok but maybe avoid lecturing other people, when someone else is carrying "most of the burden." Pitching in is a LONG long long way from being a primary caregiver.
I am sorry to be testy, but I have a very bad reaction to these pieces, which are becoming a really regular thing, where baby boomers discuss the care of our aging parents - when there seems to be almost inevitably a subtle or not-so-subtle jab at anyone whose parent is NOT dying in their living room - talk of "committing them to an institution," "tucking them into a facility" - or the also fairly standard diatribe about how in other countries, where people are not so selfish, it's a great privilege to take care of elders (which usually translates, a daughter or other female relative who doesn't work outside the home does this), or the much-vaunted vast happy extended family all "pitches in whenever we can."
I am sorry to be testy, but I have a very bad reaction to these pieces, which are becoming a really regular thing, where baby boomers discuss the care of our aging parents - when there seems to be almost inevitably a subtle or not-so-subtle jab at anyone whose parent is NOT dying in their living room - talk of "committing them to an institution," "tucking them into a facility" - or the also fairly standard diatribe about how in other countries, where people are not so selfish, it's a great privilege to take care of elders (which usually translates, a daughter or other female relative who doesn't work outside the home does this), or the much-vaunted vast happy extended family all "pitches in whenever we can."
10
When my father reached his late eighties, we dissuaded his caregivers from feeding him healthful food--he had what he wanted, a lot of scrambled eggs and chocolate ice cream, and lived till almost 93.
7
And I'm sure he enjoyed it, too :).
1
Great essay, my dad is elderly and being killed by FTD, akin to Alzheimer's, so this resonated with me. Lucky for me, my step-mom is in great health, and she's taken on the burden of caring for him. I pitch in, but I know that if it were just up to me, it'd break me.
I think there's also a huge difference between helicopter parenting and helicopter daughtering. The parenting is usually very bad for the kid, no offense, because they find it smothering, grow to resent the parent, and also develop few coping skills of their own. I knew kids in college whose mom came up every two weeks to do their laundry because they just couldn't manage it. Other kids overdosed on mere alcohol in their freshman year because they'd been carefully shielded from it, and everything else in society, for their entire lives. I'd say helicopter parenting is always damaging.
But helicopter childing for one's elderly and growingly incapacitated parent is just fine, there's no way to overdo it. Because, pardon my bluntness, they're not going to be on their own again. The parent is on the downward slope, and the end of the process is death, and there's nothing wrong with that. No way to reduce their independence because they'll never have any again. Best too to be aware and accepting of this I think, believing that one can restore ones parent to health is an impossible hope that will just result in depressing disappointment.
Anyway thanks for this & best of luck to you Ms. Swartz.
I think there's also a huge difference between helicopter parenting and helicopter daughtering. The parenting is usually very bad for the kid, no offense, because they find it smothering, grow to resent the parent, and also develop few coping skills of their own. I knew kids in college whose mom came up every two weeks to do their laundry because they just couldn't manage it. Other kids overdosed on mere alcohol in their freshman year because they'd been carefully shielded from it, and everything else in society, for their entire lives. I'd say helicopter parenting is always damaging.
But helicopter childing for one's elderly and growingly incapacitated parent is just fine, there's no way to overdo it. Because, pardon my bluntness, they're not going to be on their own again. The parent is on the downward slope, and the end of the process is death, and there's nothing wrong with that. No way to reduce their independence because they'll never have any again. Best too to be aware and accepting of this I think, believing that one can restore ones parent to health is an impossible hope that will just result in depressing disappointment.
Anyway thanks for this & best of luck to you Ms. Swartz.
Care taking isn't all sunshine and unicorns. Your judgement of people who have had to seek professional care is self righteous at best.
I have been stuck caring for a parent for over 15 years without help from "family" or the financial resources to pay for help. It has damaged my health, taken away any chance I have of retirement and destroyed any relationahip I had with my parent.
People making these decisions need more facts than Hallmark cards.
I have been stuck caring for a parent for over 15 years without help from "family" or the financial resources to pay for help. It has damaged my health, taken away any chance I have of retirement and destroyed any relationahip I had with my parent.
People making these decisions need more facts than Hallmark cards.
21
It is wonderful to read a story about a person who loves her father. What a lucky father. In reading the comments it appears that in the US we haven't quite figured out the answers to how we should care for our elderly; what responsibility we should assume; what our parents should expect? It is as if we are asking whether the experience of caring for our parents is part of our life or an interference with our life. Let me know if you have THE answer.
15
Very good question. Hope it will spark some good discussion here. Certainly, the assumption for many generations -- and in other countries -- is that caring for our parents is part of life. But how to square that with, for example, situations where there is no one home during the day to take care of the elderly parent? In-home care is very expensive. Countries such as Germany, for example, have government programs (such as requiring young people to do community service for elders) that can be helpful. Would that we could find a way of caring for our parents that is part of our lives rather than an interference!
It is remarkable to me how ubiquitous this story is in this country and how inept our dysfunctional government and equally dysfunctional society is at mitigating the situation. Being an only child and not having a spouse or children to consider, I was a full time helicopter son.
I cared for my Mom through diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, heart failure and finally Alzheimers disease until she died at 98, all while I was working as a professional full time.
There was not enough money for full time or even part time caregivers so I did it alone until the last 22 days in a nursing home of Moms life as she slowly died of congestive heart failure. Medicare and Blue Cross Platinum barely covered those 22 days of care.
I was also told I had turned my house into a assisted living center. It was not a compliment but a rebuke by someone who had committed her parents and her husband's parents to institutions.
When Mom died another "friend" asked "What will you do without your Mom now?" "Caring for your mother and work is all you have done for ten years". He said that with a note of not so mild sarcasm. My reply was "I will sleep through the night. Something I have not done in years". He thought I was also being sarcastic.
I wasn't. It has been ten years since Mom died. I am still recovering from the experience.
I cared for my Mom through diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, heart failure and finally Alzheimers disease until she died at 98, all while I was working as a professional full time.
There was not enough money for full time or even part time caregivers so I did it alone until the last 22 days in a nursing home of Moms life as she slowly died of congestive heart failure. Medicare and Blue Cross Platinum barely covered those 22 days of care.
I was also told I had turned my house into a assisted living center. It was not a compliment but a rebuke by someone who had committed her parents and her husband's parents to institutions.
When Mom died another "friend" asked "What will you do without your Mom now?" "Caring for your mother and work is all you have done for ten years". He said that with a note of not so mild sarcasm. My reply was "I will sleep through the night. Something I have not done in years". He thought I was also being sarcastic.
I wasn't. It has been ten years since Mom died. I am still recovering from the experience.
107
You need more compassionate friends... i can imagine the kind of giving soul you have - you deserve much better than them and I hope you recognize their crass comments had jealousy written all over them. When I see others taking better care of their families/relatives than I have been able to I honor them even more and take strength from their character. Bless you and your mom who had an angel for a son. Sleep well because you never have to say I should have.
2
I applaud what you did, but honestly, if she was 98 and she had RA, diabetes, Alzheimer's and heart failure, it is likely you could have gotten assistance from Medicaid sooner than 21 days before she passed.
And again, though I applaud what you did, I don't appreciate the language suggesting that others "committed their parents to an institution" - a not terribly subtle judgment implying that anyone who has had to do this differently from you did not do it as well as you.
And again, though I applaud what you did, I don't appreciate the language suggesting that others "committed their parents to an institution" - a not terribly subtle judgment implying that anyone who has had to do this differently from you did not do it as well as you.
3
I am currently caring for my mother (and have been for the past 10 years). Like you, I am an only child, and have no spouse or child to consider.
My mother has diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, sarcoidosis, and she is recovering from a stroke. Recently, we added Alzheimer's to the list.
Also like you, I've had people ask me what I'm going to do once my mother passes away...and like you, I have given the same response.
Why do people ask questions like this? For those of you out there who are reading the comments section, who are wondering about the best way to help your friend(s) who are caring for their parent(s), here's a place to start:
Please don't ask snarky, sarcastic questions.
Don't say you "understand". You don't. You want to (and you may get a chance to one day), but right now you really, really don't.
Please don't offer "helpful", non-specific criticism. If there is something specific that YOU can do to help right now, great, but if you're just idly speculating about something you think I SHOULD be doing...keep it to yourself. Please.
Give hugs. Give specific compliments. Ask a question about the caregiver's life that has NOTHING to do with their parent or whatever illness(es) they are battling.
Listen.
Offer to fold a load of clothes or walk the dog.
When you visit, you might have to go get a glass of water yourself. You might want to bring one back for them while you're at it.
And after their parent has died, realize that it takes a while to recover.
My mother has diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, sarcoidosis, and she is recovering from a stroke. Recently, we added Alzheimer's to the list.
Also like you, I've had people ask me what I'm going to do once my mother passes away...and like you, I have given the same response.
Why do people ask questions like this? For those of you out there who are reading the comments section, who are wondering about the best way to help your friend(s) who are caring for their parent(s), here's a place to start:
Please don't ask snarky, sarcastic questions.
Don't say you "understand". You don't. You want to (and you may get a chance to one day), but right now you really, really don't.
Please don't offer "helpful", non-specific criticism. If there is something specific that YOU can do to help right now, great, but if you're just idly speculating about something you think I SHOULD be doing...keep it to yourself. Please.
Give hugs. Give specific compliments. Ask a question about the caregiver's life that has NOTHING to do with their parent or whatever illness(es) they are battling.
Listen.
Offer to fold a load of clothes or walk the dog.
When you visit, you might have to go get a glass of water yourself. You might want to bring one back for them while you're at it.
And after their parent has died, realize that it takes a while to recover.
3
It's been this way for millennia and in almost all cultures. Adult children taking care of their elderly parents is nothing new. It only varies in how well we do it.
2
YOUR DAD his story and your helicopter daughter status parallels our journey with my wife's 94 year old, frail mother, who lives in a retirement community with assistance during her waking hours. Add to that providing day care and help for our now 5 year-old grandson, who's the light of our lives and our closeness with his mother, our 39 year old daughter and our 37 year old son and you can see that our helicopters are flitting all over the place, rarely stopping but to refuel. For the time being, we're lucky to get away for a one week vacation at year's end, a two week vacation during the summer and a few long weekends away. We were unable to vacation this summer, as my wife had fractured both femurs, had two major surgeries and two courses of inpatient rehab. Now she's back at home, has multiple medical appointments and medical problems managing infections that have required multiple visits to the ER. I just keep flying around trying to be a careful grandfather, father and son-in-law. Being so close to a number of people who require minutely monitored care is like being caught in a stormy whatever you want to call it. I'm tired all the time, have misgivings and doubts about my ability to go a decent job and feeling that I've often missed the mark. I'm glad for the opportunity to help our extended family; but lately it's been too much of a good thing. For the upcoming Jewish New Year, my wish is for our family to be inscribed for a healthy year! L'Shanah Tovah!
26
He sounds like a real charmer. Lucky you. Enjoy.
3
I joined a caregiver's support group in the last year as I help my brothers in taking care of my 95 year old mom, 96 this October, Halloween to be precise. I find in my own experience that caregivers have their own language, that's not understandable to others, however well meaning they are. I find that before meeting a potential partner, my first fear is, will they understand my responsibilities as a caregiver? These articles are very helpful, and make me realize there are millions of us out there, doing the best we can.
Thank you,
Tadeo
Thank you,
Tadeo
5
You are a blessing!
And your dad is so lucky and I'm sure he knows it.
And your dad is so lucky and I'm sure he knows it.
2
I very deeply resent the author's blithe implication that she is superior to those of us who have "tucked" elderly relatives into long-term care facilities. Oh, man! If I had the funds to hire and "manage" multiple caregivers to come to the home, and didn't also have to work at a full-time job, I might be able to manage my (deeply needy, multiple-comorbidities, limited-mobility) elderly relative at home, too. And if another family member who has serious ongoing health needs did not also live under my roof, that might help, too.
If your father is independent enough, both medically and psychologically, that you regularly get a good night's sleep and come down in the morning to find him drinking coffee and reading the newspaper (oh, and he "never complains"), and your big contribution is buying books for him and doing occasional product testing of wheelchairs, then let me explain to you that you don't know from "long-term care."
Oh, that really burns. I was thoroughly enjoying the piece until I got to the remark about other people "tucking" their relatives into long-term care facilities. So I see, we're done with competitive helicopter parenting and now we're going to start bragging about who is doing the most for their needy elderly relatives. Oh, your father lives in your living room? Well, you win then!
If your father is independent enough, both medically and psychologically, that you regularly get a good night's sleep and come down in the morning to find him drinking coffee and reading the newspaper (oh, and he "never complains"), and your big contribution is buying books for him and doing occasional product testing of wheelchairs, then let me explain to you that you don't know from "long-term care."
Oh, that really burns. I was thoroughly enjoying the piece until I got to the remark about other people "tucking" their relatives into long-term care facilities. So I see, we're done with competitive helicopter parenting and now we're going to start bragging about who is doing the most for their needy elderly relatives. Oh, your father lives in your living room? Well, you win then!
73
Thank you for your comment - both my mother (age 94) and my father-in-law (91) live in an assisted living community. It's a terrific place that offers them autonomy and privacy and much needed help in dressing, bathing, and medication. Not all "old people" want to live with their children - as they get more incapacitated, it can be very lonely. My husband and I do much with our respective parents but respect their wishes to control their privacy - the assisted living facility answers to them, not us.
3
Well put and good for you for calling the author out on this.
2
I think that Mimi realizes she is one of the fortunate ones, lucky enough to have her father out of "a facility" or "skilled nursing". She knows she is lucky enough to still have that special connection with her dad, but yet she sees it as an incurable fault in herself that she can't help but spend $20K on dog surgery for dad, oversee a USDA-approved meal plan for dad (who previously only knew two food groups - carbs and booze).
Mimi makes a profound point about their being no such thing as bad helicopter parenting of an elderly parent. DW from Philly -- have you never heard of the infirm elderly dying of infected bedsores in "facilities", being psychologically, physically and sexually abused in "facilities" (I have seen it all). I have a client who spent 4-5 hours almost every day for 10 years with his mom in a facility, because he had to make sure she was being fed (no teeth, barely a mind, caretakers would not take the time). He had no choice but to be a helicopter son in a facility.
While many of us are frantically searching Medicare.gov's "Nursing Home Compare" - where we can read detailed reports of all the violations in Nursing Homes across the U.S. - Mimi never has to worry that her dad is anything but loved.
Yes, some people do "tuck" their loved ones in homes. And other adult children have no choice. Mimi is one of the lucky ones, and I hope she never has to give her father up to one of those places that doesn't get five stars across the board.
Mimi makes a profound point about their being no such thing as bad helicopter parenting of an elderly parent. DW from Philly -- have you never heard of the infirm elderly dying of infected bedsores in "facilities", being psychologically, physically and sexually abused in "facilities" (I have seen it all). I have a client who spent 4-5 hours almost every day for 10 years with his mom in a facility, because he had to make sure she was being fed (no teeth, barely a mind, caretakers would not take the time). He had no choice but to be a helicopter son in a facility.
While many of us are frantically searching Medicare.gov's "Nursing Home Compare" - where we can read detailed reports of all the violations in Nursing Homes across the U.S. - Mimi never has to worry that her dad is anything but loved.
Yes, some people do "tuck" their loved ones in homes. And other adult children have no choice. Mimi is one of the lucky ones, and I hope she never has to give her father up to one of those places that doesn't get five stars across the board.
Thanks for sharing your experiences Mimi! I completely recognize myself in your essay. I became the sibling (of 5 of us) responsible for watching over my parents health and ultimately was my mother's health care proxy and daily visitor in skilled nursing until her death this past spring. Now I am setting up my dining room with bed and bureau, storing my dining room furniture for some future time when I'll need them again. I told my dad today that I need him to come convalesce here for a while, which will likely be permanent, and he said, "Seems like an idea." His mind is fully there but his body isn't strong nor is his ability to stick with the proscribed health plan. These things I will take on as his caregiver. My hope is just that he isn't unhappy here with me and that we can get along as friends, not with me being the 14 year old that he sometimes insists on making me into. Best of luck to you and thanks for making the rest of us feel in good company!
2
Mimi - great article. I write a blog about being a Sandwich Generation father/son (sandwichedman.com) and I recognize the feeling of recognizing things I'm doing for my daughters/father that are parallel and yet so different. I took one of my daughters to the hospital for a concussion and I had been there with my dad so many times that it was weird to be shepherding a patient all the nurses assumed would get better and wasn't suffering from dementia. Actually my father is quite lucid and that day my daughter was not. Wishing you a lot of luck -- build a good team, you'll need it!
1
I commend the author for sharing her story of joyful caregiving of her dad and her son for NYT readers to learn from.
My own 70+ parents describe caregiving as joyful, and have encouraged me to think along those lines. They are the caregivers of my autistic sister.
What is happening to these adult children of aging parents is living the lives that parents of disabled children have lived their whole lives; with some well-meaning and largely online communities of support, but little else. Like these parents, there are millions with shared experience, but not much in the way of help, resources, or political clout.
To be honest: in my own observation in the past two years I have had three close friends contend with caregiving challenges in their 40s: one wound up physically wrecked herself and is facing a hip replacement from running from facility to hospital to home to assisted living for multiple years for two parents. One was plunged into depression and has struggled with an addiction that found him wandering into the road where he almost died. The other, after about five years of managing his parents medications for Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, including multiple facilities, modifying the home and bath for home care, had an emotional breakdown and passed away himself after becoming ill at aged 49.
More needs to be done for these caregivers that that we can all face holding each other up, joyfully, and be around to appreciate it for years to follow.
My own 70+ parents describe caregiving as joyful, and have encouraged me to think along those lines. They are the caregivers of my autistic sister.
What is happening to these adult children of aging parents is living the lives that parents of disabled children have lived their whole lives; with some well-meaning and largely online communities of support, but little else. Like these parents, there are millions with shared experience, but not much in the way of help, resources, or political clout.
To be honest: in my own observation in the past two years I have had three close friends contend with caregiving challenges in their 40s: one wound up physically wrecked herself and is facing a hip replacement from running from facility to hospital to home to assisted living for multiple years for two parents. One was plunged into depression and has struggled with an addiction that found him wandering into the road where he almost died. The other, after about five years of managing his parents medications for Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, including multiple facilities, modifying the home and bath for home care, had an emotional breakdown and passed away himself after becoming ill at aged 49.
More needs to be done for these caregivers that that we can all face holding each other up, joyfully, and be around to appreciate it for years to follow.
71
Many never learned how to say "no" to a parent (or to others) and be able to live with themselves. This is an important "life lesson," and I've learned a lot about the wisdom of "no" from Carolyn Hax.
1
One thing to remember: being a helicopter child is never the *same* as being a helicopter parent. There are certain similarities, but the moment a child starts to treat his or her parent as if the parent where a child, things can get scrambled. Even if their personal agency seems but a mere residue of what it formerly was, be careful to respect it.
1
Why deny who you are? You are a caregiver.
Through the psychobabble thicket of attachment, dependence, codependence &c. we've come to see our families as traps, minefields of obligations. Maybe to some degree. But, for better or worse, families are definitive. And the apple seldom falls far from the tree.
Through the psychobabble thicket of attachment, dependence, codependence &c. we've come to see our families as traps, minefields of obligations. Maybe to some degree. But, for better or worse, families are definitive. And the apple seldom falls far from the tree.
1
As others have commented, the "helicoptering" aspect of caring for a loved one is not the exclusive province of those who provide care in their own homes. In some ways, just as it is equally difficult to "helicopter" one's children through their years with teachers, coaches, other children etc, as it is to "helicopter" them through home schooling, it is actually a difficult experience to helicopter one's parent through assisted living into hospice care. I don't mean to set up a "who does the most" test between those who care for a loved one in one's own home or those who provide oversight of care, just to put the record straight that oversight care isn't a walk in the park either.
Ms. Swartz has written a lovely picture of what it means to turn one's living room into an " assisted care" facility for a parent she and her husband were determined to help "live" and not spend his final years dying. The need to do so was apparently reinforced by the lack of appropriate facilities for "cultural Jews." Many of us are fortunate to live close to care facilities which honor our religious traditions through kosher meals, Jewish holiday traditions and other environments which celebrate heritage--a heritage many of us no longer actively practice in our homes but have meaning for our parents.
Nevertheless, accommodating an increasingly diverse population of elderly, is a challenge for most care facilities. It is isolating to be the solo non-Christian at holiday time at any age.
Ms. Swartz has written a lovely picture of what it means to turn one's living room into an " assisted care" facility for a parent she and her husband were determined to help "live" and not spend his final years dying. The need to do so was apparently reinforced by the lack of appropriate facilities for "cultural Jews." Many of us are fortunate to live close to care facilities which honor our religious traditions through kosher meals, Jewish holiday traditions and other environments which celebrate heritage--a heritage many of us no longer actively practice in our homes but have meaning for our parents.
Nevertheless, accommodating an increasingly diverse population of elderly, is a challenge for most care facilities. It is isolating to be the solo non-Christian at holiday time at any age.
4
This story resonates so much with me. I was a helicopter mom until very recently. My son just started college last month. Now I am a helicopter daughter hovering over my mom who broke her hip. As exhausting as it is, I am convinced my mom will recover much more quickly because of my hovering. She thanks me everyday for being there for her. My son on the other hand is enjoying his new found freedom from my hovering!!!
3
Kudos for taking care of your father and also his dog, recognizing what a huge part of people's lives their pets are. I would suggest, however re: "..Dad’s diet — formerly carbs and red wine — now adheres more closely to the dictates of the Agriculture Department’s food pyramid...." ....the man is nearing 90. If he wants carbs and gets enjoyment out of them and out of the tastes and textures etc--especially if getting to a point where he may no longer be able to get quite as much enjoyment out of other things like books--then "let them eat cake". :)
18
I've said it before and I'm saying it now, time to bring Compassionate Care capability to every state of our union before we boomers need it - and are faced with traveling and/or moving to another state to obtain it. I've no intention of letting my only daughter care for me if I am physically and mentally debilitated.
71
Yes, we need Compassionate Care (Death with Dignity) laws in every jurisdiction.
Just today (9/9) the California Assembly, in special session, passed a bill containing such a provision. High hopes here that the Cal Senate will soon follow suit and that our governor will sign it. We should not have to move to another state to have the basic human right to have some control over our last days on earth.
Just today (9/9) the California Assembly, in special session, passed a bill containing such a provision. High hopes here that the Cal Senate will soon follow suit and that our governor will sign it. We should not have to move to another state to have the basic human right to have some control over our last days on earth.
My wife spent 6 years doing this for her parents, too. We never had children but taking care of Mr. C and Toot was our second full-time job. Deb's mom passed away after 3 years of our help. Her father had a renaissance after his wife passed. He no longer had to worry about her. As Mimi says, the most important thing was keeping Mr. C in his house as long as we could. He managed another 3 years on the planet but it was all due to the care of his daughter. Every day God raises the bar higher and you meet it. Some days are much more difficult than others but the final reward of your efforts is never understood or felt until it is over. As long as you can, keep your father in your home.
45
You are blessed to be able to have the lifestyle to be able to do this for your Father. Regretfully the obligations of a regular office job preclude being able to do this for a number of us.
18
I moved back to PA to assist my parents in the last two years of their life. My parents really appreciated me helping them, even though it was done in concert with caregivers. Being there made them feel more comfortable when caregivers were there. Also, caregivers were not always reliable.
Despite everything we did for them, they both passed away, five days apart last September. I feel a great sense of satisfaction of helping them and being there when they needed it most. People often often asked me, "isn't it a lot of work?" I never equated what I was doing as "work" because they were my parents.
Despite everything we did for them, they both passed away, five days apart last September. I feel a great sense of satisfaction of helping them and being there when they needed it most. People often often asked me, "isn't it a lot of work?" I never equated what I was doing as "work" because they were my parents.
44
My husband and I are entering our fourth year of living with my father so he can continue to live in his own house. (We still maintain our own home approximately one hour's drive from here.) I'm very fortunate that my husband wants to be here for my father. I could not do it alone.
Mostly, we feel extremely grateful for this time with my dad, but there are, of course, some "dark" times. When the going gets tough, I refer to a piece of paper I have taped to the inside of a kitchen cupboard. Is says two things...
...Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day...
and
...How lucky I am...
Mostly, we feel extremely grateful for this time with my dad, but there are, of course, some "dark" times. When the going gets tough, I refer to a piece of paper I have taped to the inside of a kitchen cupboard. Is says two things...
...Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day...
and
...How lucky I am...
7
I'm glad things are working out so well with this author! Many who do "tuck a parent away" into assisted living just can't cope with a parent who is so frail and debiliated they can't go to the bathroom themselves. I know a woman who would changed her fathers Depends but not everyone is able to handle that. It is not always shameful to put your parent into an assisted living facility. What's shameful is to never visit them once they're there.
49
ive been caring for my 89 year old mom for the past 8 years.
food shopping, buying her clothes, taking her to her doctors, supervising her caregivers and when she was no longer able to walk and it took two people to move her in and out of bed, bathe her, etc. i found a long term care facility close to where i live so i can have dinner with her in the evening and make sure she is getting the care and attention she needs. it was hard when she was at home, life changing for me in fact, but now it's so much easier with her being where she is now. it's not one on one care but its good enough. my advice to other caregivers is to take care of yourself first and then be a good advocate and use what is out there, and there are a lot of things, to take care of your loved not for any reward but because it is the right thing to do.
also, we really got to know each other in ways that we never did before and we both are so happy for being able to do so.
food shopping, buying her clothes, taking her to her doctors, supervising her caregivers and when she was no longer able to walk and it took two people to move her in and out of bed, bathe her, etc. i found a long term care facility close to where i live so i can have dinner with her in the evening and make sure she is getting the care and attention she needs. it was hard when she was at home, life changing for me in fact, but now it's so much easier with her being where she is now. it's not one on one care but its good enough. my advice to other caregivers is to take care of yourself first and then be a good advocate and use what is out there, and there are a lot of things, to take care of your loved not for any reward but because it is the right thing to do.
also, we really got to know each other in ways that we never did before and we both are so happy for being able to do so.
22
If your father's short-term memory loss turns into end-stage Alzheimers with all the ramifications of seriously debilitating mental and physical illness, "sending" your father to long-term custodial care might just become a courageous act, potentially the best decision you could make on his behalf. Just because an aging family member does not live you with does not mean that you cannot make a significant contribution to his or her quality of life.
23
You are not a helicopter daughter: you are a LOVING daughter!
11
"Most people I know in similar situations have tucked their parents into long-term care facilities, and plainly think I’m a lunatic for not doing so."
My Mother used to say "Everything is cyclical"
Then I saw saw Billy Crystal's "700 Sundays" playing on HBO at all the Motels across the country when I was traveling to take care of my Mom after her stroke. Every night I'd turn on the TV after driving all day. I'd get in the room and there was Billy talking about how when he was changing his daughters diaper he tell his baby girl "Now... I'm changing your diaper and when I get old.... you'll change my diaper."
For 2600 miles Billy was there every night during the trip giving me comfort.
Too bad he couldn't help me drive.
When I finally got to my Mom, I told her about what Billy had said about diapers and while she couldn't talk her mind was still sharp and she gave me a look as if to say "Everything is cyclical."
I'd rather be a happy lunatic and tuck my Mother into bed in her own home than tuck her away in some institution.
After all, when it comes time for your friends children to decide where to tuck their parents away.... as my Mom would say "Everything is cyclical."
My Mother used to say "Everything is cyclical"
Then I saw saw Billy Crystal's "700 Sundays" playing on HBO at all the Motels across the country when I was traveling to take care of my Mom after her stroke. Every night I'd turn on the TV after driving all day. I'd get in the room and there was Billy talking about how when he was changing his daughters diaper he tell his baby girl "Now... I'm changing your diaper and when I get old.... you'll change my diaper."
For 2600 miles Billy was there every night during the trip giving me comfort.
Too bad he couldn't help me drive.
When I finally got to my Mom, I told her about what Billy had said about diapers and while she couldn't talk her mind was still sharp and she gave me a look as if to say "Everything is cyclical."
I'd rather be a happy lunatic and tuck my Mother into bed in her own home than tuck her away in some institution.
After all, when it comes time for your friends children to decide where to tuck their parents away.... as my Mom would say "Everything is cyclical."
4
Yes, it is satisfying and rewarding to care for a loved one. Difficult too. What is also difficult is to do this for a child who is disabled or otherwise unable to care for him/her self. The worry about who will take over your role of caregiver when you die is, of course, huge. Another difficult role is when you are caregiving for a same-aged spouse. Unlike caregiving for a parent or a child, when your spouse is disabled you suddenly have more than twice the work (caregiving is a lot of work) but also with only HALF of the human "resources" to help with that work. At least with a parent ill, YOUR spouse and your siblings and THEIR spouses are potential caregivers too. Same goes with an ill child. With a spouse, you suddenly have to do all the things THEY used to do...PLUS take care of them..PLUS continue taking care of any minor children in your care...PLUS DO YOUR OWN USUAL STUFF (work to make $, etc)..
None of this is fun and all of it is exhausting.
The point? If you know someone with a handicapped, disabled or ill person in the house and YOU can make free time to help them. Please do. You will be blessed all the way to heaven for your efforts.
None of this is fun and all of it is exhausting.
The point? If you know someone with a handicapped, disabled or ill person in the house and YOU can make free time to help them. Please do. You will be blessed all the way to heaven for your efforts.
17
"At least with a parent ill, YOUR spouse and your siblings and THEIR spouses are potential caregivers too."
Areyouso....you're assuming a lot. What you say is not true at all...there are many caretakers who do do not have a spouse or a sibling with a spouse (or even a sibling for that matter).
Areyouso....you're assuming a lot. What you say is not true at all...there are many caretakers who do do not have a spouse or a sibling with a spouse (or even a sibling for that matter).
6
"At least with a parent ill, YOUR spouse and your siblings and THEIR spouses are potential caregivers too." This seems a blithe assumption.
Helping my 88 year old father "live independently"in his own home 6 miles away from me is pretty demanding. He needs help shopping, house-keeping and getting medical care. He needs company and outings on a near daily basis. The fact is, my very spry 86-year-old mother is two states away, busily raising a young grandson whose mother cannot care for him, so it's definitely a family project. It's chaotic and it's rewarding. Of course Dad misses the old normal arrangement. So do we all. But' it's why it's safe to be a young child in need in this family. Pretty proud of that.
9
Well put. So-called "independence" often is in reality assisted living, but cobbled together from a variety of sources, with the heaviest burden frequently calling on the child(ren).
My wife cared for her Mother in her last three years and now it is my turn to care for my Father. Last week my wife and I were attending a family wedding a flight away from home and my dad fell. A close friend was at our house managing ambulances and my Mother within minutes. I flew home, but by the time i arrived our friends had done a lot to ensure my parents were cared for. It is a gift to look after my parents, as they so wonderfully cared for me. It is a double blessing to be pat of a community of friends who support me in this role. Our network of friends value putting others first and serving sacrificially when needed. The unexpected outcome of this is that they are unusually content and joyful people. May the author of this fine article find that same blessed state of being as she continues to practically and consistently love her father.
13
This is so beautifully written, Ms. Swartz. I am both in awe of your caretaking (I come from a culture that puts this level of child/elder care at a premium) and also so happy that your dear father is in the kind of condition that you can do so. May it always be so, and may you (and your husband) have that same care returned to you in your elder years.
My parents have had candid conversations with me about how they would and would not like to be living as they hopefully make it to your dad's age; so I also read this with a touch of apprehension, knowing so many friends whose parents were not in a condition that allowed this kind of care.
Again, though, a touching piece. Thank you.
My parents have had candid conversations with me about how they would and would not like to be living as they hopefully make it to your dad's age; so I also read this with a touch of apprehension, knowing so many friends whose parents were not in a condition that allowed this kind of care.
Again, though, a touching piece. Thank you.
7
Kudos to you and your family for taking such good care of your father.
My only other comment is that at 88 he should be allowed to toss the food pyramid and eat and drink whatever he wants. If I reach that age and someone tries to take the wine glass out of my shaky arthritic hands I'll probably smash it against the edge of the table and cut them with it!
My only other comment is that at 88 he should be allowed to toss the food pyramid and eat and drink whatever he wants. If I reach that age and someone tries to take the wine glass out of my shaky arthritic hands I'll probably smash it against the edge of the table and cut them with it!
25
This is lovely. We couldn't care for my husband at home any more - we just couldn't - but it is wonderful to know there are those who can live the dream.
6
I did, and am currently doing the same for my mother. I would not change it for anything, as others have said. The latest stage for me is as the nursing home 'pain in the neck' daughter. At some point during this phase, you realize that to be a vigilant caregiver, you have to be willing to make some unpopular decisions (such as reporting an aide who is rough with your mother, or who will not change her in a reasonable time, etc.). These in turn, may render you unpopular with the staff. Not everyone has the stomach for this role.
13
Please continue to be your mother's advocate! Not all aides are suited to the work, especially when a facility is understaffed.
I was also the "pain in the neck" daughter at my mother's nursing home. In addition, I advocated for other patients who didn't seem to have family members who cared. (Like the rail-thin woman, her bony back exposed in an untied hospital gown, who was left parked in a wheelchair next to a drafty, frost-covered sliding glass door while the nurses and aides ignored her. And this was in a place considered "upscale.") I brought in the county's eldercare ombudsman to intervene on my mother's behalf, reported negligent aides, and raised holy hell when necessary. It was extremely stressful, but necessary in order to get results. All my best wishes to you, Marie.
I am only 25 but have been forced into a similar situation after my 63 year-old father's health declined this year. Having now suffered 3 strokes leaving him almost blind and one above-knee amputation, he has become much more work than I ever thought I would be ready for. Most days, I am exhausted and worried about how my husband and I (not yet two years married) will be able to manage him. How will we make ends meet? Are we providing the right kind of care? How long can this new normal last? It is without doubt the most trying time I have ever experienced. And yet, I have never felt more connection to my father. I recently began my first year of law school in the midst of our family's chaos. Each day when I leave for school, Dad is there to tell me that no one on this planet believes in me more than he does. To continue having that presence in my life, I'm not sure there is anything I wouldn't do.
How we as a country will take care of a continually growing population of aging adults is a pivotal question. I am thankful to see NYT sparking meaningful conversation about it.
How we as a country will take care of a continually growing population of aging adults is a pivotal question. I am thankful to see NYT sparking meaningful conversation about it.
151
As a country, we offer plenty of welfare and support to billionaires and multi-national corporations. Why not trim some of that "fat," and offer assistance to the elderly? Swartz should be able to deduct the fair market value of all the help she offers her father.
58
yes, it would be a huge help if the tax code allowed people to benefit (instead of becoming impoverished) when they take care of family. Heaven knows that most people do a better job than paid caregivers for simple supervision and non-medical care. Some things are better left to the professionals, but if someone is willing to work less at their own job to take care of a family or friend in need, it should be celebrated and rewarded.
1
How could Ms. Swartz not have foreseen her life turning out this way? If parents live long enough, they will age and will need care. Black families have been caring for elderly aunts, grandfathers, parents, and disabled children in their own homes for generations. Yet no one ever asks us for insights and tips. The assumption being that our families are dysfunctional and that we prefer to wait for government handouts.
I'm quick to advise people never, ever to put their elderly parents into a nursing home, if they can help it. Gather up the siblings, cousins, and aunts and figure out a system to keep an aging loved one at home or in the home of a caring family member.
I'm quick to advise people never, ever to put their elderly parents into a nursing home, if they can help it. Gather up the siblings, cousins, and aunts and figure out a system to keep an aging loved one at home or in the home of a caring family member.
127
I liked the article, except for this: "Though never practicing Jews, we are cultural Jews, so family came first." I don't think you could find a group for whom family doesn't come first except among a few atypical individuals.
5
Please also understand that not all of us have siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins or anyone remotely in any such capacity that we can call on to help. In my case, there is precisely no one who fits any of those roles who lives within a thousand miles. Also, the elder I am caring for is the last of her immediate family. The others are dead, and their descendants live several states away. A couple of them write to her occasionally, and one has visited her twice in the 4 years I have been helping her. That's it.
There are also situations where the elder in question has alienated people who might have been interested in helping her some day.
There are also situations where the elder in question has alienated people who might have been interested in helping her some day.
10
You are absolutely right about that. In nursing school we learned that black families mostly care for their extended loved ones at home. In nursing practice I saw this playing out many times. These families worked out rotating night schedules where the older person was never left alone.
To each his own. Not everybody is suited to be a caregiver, but some are and care enough and have resources enough to do the job.
7
So many elderly parents resist this kind of help because they swore they would never "be a burden." But it is a blessing to be able to see one's parents at the end of their days, to know they are well cared for, to see the good as well as the bad.
I wish Ms Swartz and her family the best of these challenging days.
I wish Ms Swartz and her family the best of these challenging days.
8
What ought to be lunatic is to send one's parents to an "assisted living center." It should never really be like that, but has become so, especially in the industrialized wealthier west.
It would be unimaginable for people in most of the poorer world to "send" their elderly to these "places" where they're essentially dumped and grouped together alone, out of view of the young, so the latter can have more time for "fun," or "work."
It is as if the elderly are essentially and literally not fit to live among the rest of society anymore, and it is the case in the west, it seems.
Everybody says its because of work, children etc etc, and it seems true, but there also seems to be a sort of unspoken relief at it in western culture.
I find that it is one of those attributes that highlight the selfishness and self-centeredness of western culture.
In the developing world it doesn't happen as often, if at all, because people generally still fill an obligation to their families, its not about "going away" to live "your life." So, one's children are around.
In the west its usually "this is MY life!" Really? But your parents sacrificed their best years to care for you!! They could have been traveling and backpacking around the world seeing the sites and sounds of the furthest places. Instead, they raised you, bought you clothes, fed you etc, and now, "its your life?" Really?
It would be unimaginable for people in most of the poorer world to "send" their elderly to these "places" where they're essentially dumped and grouped together alone, out of view of the young, so the latter can have more time for "fun," or "work."
It is as if the elderly are essentially and literally not fit to live among the rest of society anymore, and it is the case in the west, it seems.
Everybody says its because of work, children etc etc, and it seems true, but there also seems to be a sort of unspoken relief at it in western culture.
I find that it is one of those attributes that highlight the selfishness and self-centeredness of western culture.
In the developing world it doesn't happen as often, if at all, because people generally still fill an obligation to their families, its not about "going away" to live "your life." So, one's children are around.
In the west its usually "this is MY life!" Really? But your parents sacrificed their best years to care for you!! They could have been traveling and backpacking around the world seeing the sites and sounds of the furthest places. Instead, they raised you, bought you clothes, fed you etc, and now, "its your life?" Really?
5
Actually, in the case of Alzeheimers patients at some point, you can't keep everyone at home. Some people need not only the 24/7 care which is more expensive than residential facilities--there is no activities director or physical therapist or anything else that can give structure to days you've forgotten. It all varies case by case. It's good to keep people home for as long as you can, but it's not all about spousal or children convenience. Let's hope you don't have to find that out.
13
While not wishing to wholly disagree with your broader point, a bit of perspective is required: the "sacrifice" of child-rearing rquires 16, maybe 18 years of an expected lifespan of 80 or 85 years. And for many, the process is more pleasure than sacrifice. Plenty of years to accomplish other life goals.
5
And if the elderly parent can't be left at home alone, and the other adults have to work or everyone starves?
Also, I had a child. I did not sacrifice my best years to care for her. Her dad and I loved her extravagantly and she was in daycare while we worked. Did we give up some things we wanted because her needs came first? Yes, but that is not at all the same as sacrificing our best years. What a martyr a person must be, to say that.
Also, I had a child. I did not sacrifice my best years to care for her. Her dad and I loved her extravagantly and she was in daycare while we worked. Did we give up some things we wanted because her needs came first? Yes, but that is not at all the same as sacrificing our best years. What a martyr a person must be, to say that.
2
Just wanted to note that there is nothing wrong with knowing your limits and allowing others to care for your aging, sick parents either.
My Dad is staying with my husband and I and our 2 middle-school kids for a few weeks before moving to my brother's where his wife will care for him. With our high pressure jobs, 2 bright kids with learning differences, and the every day challenges all that brings, I know I could not give my Dad, aged 63 with advanced Parkinson's disease and in need of more help and supervision then he'll admit to, what he needs while maintaining my own career and mental stability and without taking away from my kids.
So, if it was not for my brother and his wife, we'd be looking at "tucking" him into long-term care (assisted, at first) with a weekly plan for lunch together and transportation for shopping and health care. That is not be ideal to my high-achieving, take-it-all-on self but, and it has taken some time to admit this, it really would be better for all involved if he had to stay near us. Thank goodness for my brother's wife.
My Dad is staying with my husband and I and our 2 middle-school kids for a few weeks before moving to my brother's where his wife will care for him. With our high pressure jobs, 2 bright kids with learning differences, and the every day challenges all that brings, I know I could not give my Dad, aged 63 with advanced Parkinson's disease and in need of more help and supervision then he'll admit to, what he needs while maintaining my own career and mental stability and without taking away from my kids.
So, if it was not for my brother and his wife, we'd be looking at "tucking" him into long-term care (assisted, at first) with a weekly plan for lunch together and transportation for shopping and health care. That is not be ideal to my high-achieving, take-it-all-on self but, and it has taken some time to admit this, it really would be better for all involved if he had to stay near us. Thank goodness for my brother's wife.
16
I assume you have offered to pay for several periods a week of respite care or something similar. Not that I think you should be doing more than making suggestions since your SIL has agreed to manage the on-site care part of the situation.
3
Yes, or even take him for a week here or there when they need a break. The next 6 weeks, while he is with us, will help me understand how much we can manage. We are also helping financially so they can make it work on their end.
1
Nicely put, except for some very pertinent questions: What are YOU doing to help? Contribute money? Take time to provide respite care for your sister-in-law? She and your brother can't do this on their own, and your sister-in-law has taken on a huge burden which will diminish her eventual social security benefits, which yours will increase.
4
If my aging parent was joyful like your dad, I'd at least entertain this option but time spent with my narcissistic and cruel mother is destructive to me and my family. I am glad to know not all old people are miserable, and hold out hope, thanks to stories about elderly like your dad, I will break the cycle and not age into a nasty mess like my mother or her wicked father (my grandfather.)
53
I have signed on to take care of whomever of my parents survives the other's demise and will deal with Alzheimer's if it's the widow of the couple. And this I do not only because I love them for giving me life and supporting me, but because it's a mitzvah.
3
I did this with my mother, and regret it.
18
Love this story. You won't regret a minute of the extra time you have with your Dad. I consider you lucky to have him, I still miss mine although he's gone since 1999.
1
I did the same and I wouldn't change it for anything.
3
My mother is unable to form a sentence anymore and not able to clean or take care of herself in anyway. There is no way, I could take care of her living in a 1 bedroom apartment. I still have to work because my daughter is in her last year of college and I am supporting her while she finishes NYU. I feel enormous guilt, but there is nothing I can do. All who's parents are frail, but still alert mentally are very lucky. Alzheimer's is a devastating disease, and I plan to make sure I never get to the stage my mother is so my daughter does not have to make these decisions.
80
I was never the helicopter mom, but for about 4 years I cared for my two young children and both my elderly parents at once. No dogs during that time, but that's something I do regret. My mother loved dogs and she suffered from dementia. A dog would have made her so happy. I did my best and my husband's a saint.
19
You are amazing. I could never. I'm not sure I wish I could, but that's probably why I cannot. Your spirit will reap what it sows, and, well, God bless you.
10
This is a beautiful essay. How I wish I had the opportunity to do all this for my widowed mother, who passed away unexpectedly in late July.
You keep being your high-achieving, helicoptering self, and please relish every time your father calls you Min and he flirts with a waitress and you look at books on Packards and Corgis with him, for time on Earth is too short and cannot be regained...
You keep being your high-achieving, helicoptering self, and please relish every time your father calls you Min and he flirts with a waitress and you look at books on Packards and Corgis with him, for time on Earth is too short and cannot be regained...
23
My mother died several years ago after sharing our home for over a decade. It was the BEST decision we ever made for both her and our family. One reason I have such wonderful children is that they shared so many years with my mother; they know more of life than their peers who were not so lucky.
14
As a baby boomer ready to retire but facing the cost of supporting an aged, estranged parent who has no savings and not much income, I have to battle resentment and sometimes hostility. I have come to two conclusions. 1. I do not want my own children think, if not say, "I'm so glad he's finally dead." 2. I will end it when I realize that my mind is going so that I don't suck the life and hard-earned finances of my own children.
53
So I guess you have already purchased a very good long-term care insurance policy so that they burden of safe living quarters and care-giving is not left to your children? Good for you. it's a blessing to do this for yourself (and especially your children) who may not be able to take care of you in your waning years. it all sounds good (I'll move in with Susie) until you require medical care that Susie can't provide.
I too am dealing with a mother who left her 5 daughters in her late 30's when we were just minors to pursue that fantasy life she always dreamed of. My father left too. We lived by ourselves, telling no one.
Now my mother is 90 years old, has dementia and we have placed her in an assisted living facility that we pay for as she never provided any type of retirement or savings for herself. It is a financial drain for all of us. My mom is happy where she is, she has created a life for herself and is more interested in the people there than her grand children, great grand children and her own children. But we still take care of her, pay for her and realize that we have all done the best we could.
Every situation with an aging parent is different. Not children have grown up with loving parents who took care of them. But we now take care of our mother and have been extremely generous with what little we have.
Now my mother is 90 years old, has dementia and we have placed her in an assisted living facility that we pay for as she never provided any type of retirement or savings for herself. It is a financial drain for all of us. My mom is happy where she is, she has created a life for herself and is more interested in the people there than her grand children, great grand children and her own children. But we still take care of her, pay for her and realize that we have all done the best we could.
Every situation with an aging parent is different. Not children have grown up with loving parents who took care of them. But we now take care of our mother and have been extremely generous with what little we have.
5
Your comment is very unselfish. You care about your children's future, and you want people to be sad not glad when you die. These are my two firm goals as I deal with my 95 year old mother.
1
As a current helicopter daughter, I can attest to another significant difference between the roles of a helicopter mother and a helicopter daughter--- the potential at the end of the "term". Far different outcomes...one hopefully full of joy and life, the other most assuredly not.
27
"Helicopter daughter" - how cute. Generations of women (and men) have been caring for their elderly parents in various cultures long before such catch phrases were even en vogue.
15
So true. The baby boomers seem to think they discovered elder care, the same way they discovered parenting.
Each person discovers life along his own journey. There is no reason to point fingers. You discovered many things yourself that others have discovered before you.
I am a single mom with two teenagers and a mom who is only 70 but with health issues that make her virtual age closer to her mid 80s, luckily my data is a healthy and wealthy 70. I totally understand what you are doing. It is so hard for us to watch my mom do odd things, like deciding to start clipping her fingernails in the middle of a house party, or sit on the ground and repack her luggage at the drop-off sidewalk at the airport. That is when I have a choice to move the whole family along and leave the party to interrupt her, or to heavily tip the skycap who jumps in to help her out, while we all stand back and let her do her thing. The payoff for me is to see her enjoy a moment or two with the family and whatever activity we are enjoying that still feels very genuine.
It is the same vicarious pleasure I used to get helping my toddler get up the ladder to ride down a big kids slide. It is so hard to balance her right to make adult decisions and retain some dignity versus her quickly diminishing capacity to hold any responsibility. I feel like I am building a scaffold underneath her to prop her up, but not enable. I think it is a challenge that I will mostly get wrong, as I either overestimate or underestimate her capacities at any moment. However, I am just trying to enjoy the ride.
It is the same vicarious pleasure I used to get helping my toddler get up the ladder to ride down a big kids slide. It is so hard to balance her right to make adult decisions and retain some dignity versus her quickly diminishing capacity to hold any responsibility. I feel like I am building a scaffold underneath her to prop her up, but not enable. I think it is a challenge that I will mostly get wrong, as I either overestimate or underestimate her capacities at any moment. However, I am just trying to enjoy the ride.
52
This is a very sweet piece. What a wonderful daughter your father has.
7
As I grow older, I become more aware of the process of passing. This year our cat of 21 years died. I panicked when my last pet passed away, racing to the vet with as she gasped as she declined, and I vowed not to repeat the debacle. The vet is no place to end your pet's life. This time my companion passed away in my arms as we watched scifi into the wee hours because I knew so much more about what to expect. I took care of her growing health needs as best I could and found many ways to enjoy her. When she could no longer groom herself, our morning brushing became a love fest. That certainly was unexpected, and I missed it sorely afterwards. I think that we often forget that when one door closes, others open, even with being a caregiver.
I am very grateful for what my pets taught me as my own parents get older. I am a firm believer in life and death with dignity. I am lucky in that I live next to my mom. My hope is that she will live out her days able to live independently in her own home. But if it were necessary, I would bring her here. We have had our ups and downs, but I feel that if I can do it, it is the right thing, just as you are doing. It is heartening to hear that it can be a real gift. Even now, I really appreciate all the time we have together.
I am very grateful for what my pets taught me as my own parents get older. I am a firm believer in life and death with dignity. I am lucky in that I live next to my mom. My hope is that she will live out her days able to live independently in her own home. But if it were necessary, I would bring her here. We have had our ups and downs, but I feel that if I can do it, it is the right thing, just as you are doing. It is heartening to hear that it can be a real gift. Even now, I really appreciate all the time we have together.
8
My family was lucky to be able to re-locate to a ranch with 4 bedrooms and 3 full baths when our parents began to live with us full time. We were able to care for my 87 year old mother and 96 year old mother-in-law almost simultaneously. Both had taken a very active role in raising our three children.
We wouldn't have thought of putting them in a nursing home. It was especially hard as my mom had dementia and died at the age of 89. My mother-in-law lived with us until she was almost 100. We had 12 hours of daytime help and I managed the nights. My husband didn't help, but didn't complain either. I am glad that others feel as I did.
We wouldn't have thought of putting them in a nursing home. It was especially hard as my mom had dementia and died at the age of 89. My mother-in-law lived with us until she was almost 100. We had 12 hours of daytime help and I managed the nights. My husband didn't help, but didn't complain either. I am glad that others feel as I did.
I hope that in your time together, you and your mother will read Dr. Angelo Volandes' excellent book, The Conversation. If one thing is certain, it is that things change. All of us benefit when we have The Conversation about planning for end-of-life care.
Mimi, you are not a lunatic; you are a loving daughter, who thanks also to a caring husband and the resources you have, has chosen to have her father live with and be cared for by family. I, too, care for an 88 year old parent in my home (my mother). Yes, it has its ups and downs; yes, historical issues resurface, and yes, there are many practical challenges -- but I wouldn't have it any other way, and neither would she. Like your father, my mother is an avid reader, and also an artist. No longer mobile, she spends time here with her adult grandchildren who visit often, shares with us her wisdom and her family memories, and tremendously values the family life that living with us provides. Your point couldn't be more true: Daughter "helicoptering" is not bad for the elderly parent, and, despite the challenges, can enhance life not just for the parent, but for the child too! I would add that you are not "over-caring" --on the contrary, you are doing what families have done for hundreds of generations, and what is still the norm in most countries outside the US. Institutional care, while the only alternative for many, and while often excellent, is no substitute for the loving care of family.
8
Interesting new meaning to the phrase...I've asstd. the term more with a dtr. who periodically "drops in" to demand changes in a perfectly functional care system---stirs it all up---then helicopters on back to her own family, leaving the elderly parent to contend with what is now a scrambled up support program that she thinks she can better supervise--usually from 300 miles away---sort of like the logic behind the Vietnam War!
5
First you were a helicopter mom, now a helicopter daughter. Some day you will be a helicopter wife when your husband is dying. BTDT
2
Watching, from nearby, my sibling & parent do this. I disagree with most of their choices but am giving them what they clearly want, minimal comment and subtle practical backup. I agree that I owe this to my parents but the only joy it gives me is the joy of sacrifice for that principle. I am religious enough to identify this as a virtue, and human enough to hate having the unhappiness of my youth -- no one wanted my opinion then either! -- replicated here in my own old age. I am making a good list of things I don't plan to do as I myself age though! And there are occasional moments when I understand the dilemmas of my family better than I did before in all the many decades I puzzled over them. I do keep thinking that for families like mine, there must be a better way; but I suppose that's the point: For an over-pressured family, there isn't. So be careful out there.
31
ha ha! I can relate! When my parents (in their late 50's/early 60's) bought a nice property to build their "last house" they invited me to tag along to the architects meetings, etc.
I'm a voracious RE reader at the time building in all the "geriatric" things to homes was in vogue. I brought up so many good ideas, which they promptly ridiculed and rejected immediately because it made them "feel old" to talk about it or even consider including in their design. Ummm...you ARE old...I thought silently. Whatever. These were not things that would be visible or embarrassing even if noticed by their friends/relatives who visit. ie: grab bars in the showers; first floor all one level (good for wheelchairs and walkers); no steps up to front door, extra-wide doorways (which to me feel luxurious) to accommodate a wheelchair; ground-level master bedroom (or at least a very nice ground-floor guest room in case you can't traverse stairs & NEED to live on the 1st floor); First-Floor Laundry room, etc. They wouldn't have any of it and built a home that was not sustainable through their declining/golden years. Now, just 10 years later, they have had to re-model a lot of this stuff into their home--to a great expense & hassle while they're not well. It's their money & their hassle but it's sad that they didn't take the good advice when it was offered, simply out of vanity. Thankfully I no longer live nearby and didn't have to manage it for them, since there was a way to avoid it!
I'm a voracious RE reader at the time building in all the "geriatric" things to homes was in vogue. I brought up so many good ideas, which they promptly ridiculed and rejected immediately because it made them "feel old" to talk about it or even consider including in their design. Ummm...you ARE old...I thought silently. Whatever. These were not things that would be visible or embarrassing even if noticed by their friends/relatives who visit. ie: grab bars in the showers; first floor all one level (good for wheelchairs and walkers); no steps up to front door, extra-wide doorways (which to me feel luxurious) to accommodate a wheelchair; ground-level master bedroom (or at least a very nice ground-floor guest room in case you can't traverse stairs & NEED to live on the 1st floor); First-Floor Laundry room, etc. They wouldn't have any of it and built a home that was not sustainable through their declining/golden years. Now, just 10 years later, they have had to re-model a lot of this stuff into their home--to a great expense & hassle while they're not well. It's their money & their hassle but it's sad that they didn't take the good advice when it was offered, simply out of vanity. Thankfully I no longer live nearby and didn't have to manage it for them, since there was a way to avoid it!
9
Some people have the emotional and financial wherewithal to care for their parents in their homes and others do not. There is no right or wrong answer here, so people should not pat themselves on the back or kick themselves for what they are or are not doing. The only answer is the one that works for a particular family. Having said that, taking care of another adult takes a toll on a caregiving child or spouse so I hope you are taking care of yourself. If not, please do so. Seriously. Best of luck to you, your dad and the ungrateful corgi.
80
This is Mark Rogow's wife. I think a big problem with this is the sheer independence of most people. Even when we tried to get my mother to move in with us, she balked. She loved her house, her friends, her garden. She loved us too and the grandkids, but..... . We have an aunt that moved into a retirement apartment compleX after finally being told she must! She did not want to move in with any of her children. She wanted to keep her own life. She's in Dallas and we visit a few times a year. Nothing special, just dinner and a movie, so to speak. My family in Jersey think we're great, driving up from San Antonio like that (5 hours!), but I'm pretty much a TeXan now and other than the traffic it's not that hard a drive. Every minute with her is gold.
5
This is why I am so thankful that I never had children. As I approach my mid-60s and already have a stiff back, can't do anything without my glasses, forget people's names and have to write myself notes to remember everything else, I am so glad I don't have a son or daughter hovering around telling me what's best. In the coming years, if I dodder around with mismatched clothes, eating chocolate cake and orange soda for breakfast, I don't want some well-meaning, but annoying, younger person telling me I shouldn't. If I fall and break something, I'd rather be cared for by paid strangers, so I don't have to see the pity in their eyes. And, if eventually I don't know my name, and I leave the house with my underwear on my head and my bathrobe open, so be it. Cart me off to the nursing home. I'll go gladly, and my life will have been my own.
Children can't prevent their parents from getting old, getting infirm and dying. But, they can do them the service of letting their parents age in their own way, not as the children think they should. So what if dad dies at 89 instead of living to 90? Leave him alone.
Children can't prevent their parents from getting old, getting infirm and dying. But, they can do them the service of letting their parents age in their own way, not as the children think they should. So what if dad dies at 89 instead of living to 90? Leave him alone.
12
You perhaps missed that this all started with a broken hip while he was visiting them in Houston from his home in San Antonio. As others have pointed out here, what is right for various families and older persons differ greatly.
6
You must have a lot of money, MsPea, to know that you can hire help. Whose going to manage the help and your finances, by the way, when your mind goes?
10
Not all ( almost none, in fact) of us are deluded into thinking we can prevent anything or reverse any events. We even occasionally (almost always) even understand why our folks want what they want and do what they do. I (we) mostly work to make a path for them. Unfortunately, there's a long stretch between totally able-bodied/able-minded and physical dependence/ dementia. Hence the "making a path" part. The world can get harder to navigate and the person can feel less competent in negotiations. If you don't have the money for a personal attorney to handle your affairs 24/7, then in must step one or more children. I'm glad for you that you will have the opportunity to live and age the way you want. I hope that for all of us.
2
While it sounds as though the author is at peace with her current situation, I feel compelled to offer a somewhat different view of assisted living. The term "institutionalize" is very outdated. Many assisted living facilities are clean, modern and very resident focused, a far cry from the old "nursing homes" that every member of the greatest generation dreads. Living at home can be isolating and residents in assisted living have social opportunities and mental stimulation that is very beneficial, especially for those with dementia. Add to that medical care by professionals and it can be an excellent option for both parent and caregiver. Yes, it can be expensive but probably less than a "24-hour cast of caregivers."
The hardest part, for me, was getting my parents to try it. Once there they embraced it, albeit slowly. They have much better care than I could ever give them and they appreciate that they have some independence to make their own decisions, even if it is just whether or not to go to happy hour. It is far from institutionalization. Not the ideal for everyone but it should at least be considered as an option.
The hardest part, for me, was getting my parents to try it. Once there they embraced it, albeit slowly. They have much better care than I could ever give them and they appreciate that they have some independence to make their own decisions, even if it is just whether or not to go to happy hour. It is far from institutionalization. Not the ideal for everyone but it should at least be considered as an option.
52
Assisted living has become an industry. The for-profit facilities may be understaffed and overpriced. Check them out, one by one, and talk with current residents.
Most people, unfortunately, are unaware that assisted living facilities are not subject to the same regulations as nursing homes. There is no website where you can accurately compare the results of inspections, as there is with nursing homes. Buyer beware!
Most people, unfortunately, are unaware that assisted living facilities are not subject to the same regulations as nursing homes. There is no website where you can accurately compare the results of inspections, as there is with nursing homes. Buyer beware!
4
If only all would "embrace" a good retirement facility. My mother-in-law, after being widowed at 90, initially considered staying in her 4BR single family house. Thankfully she decided to move to a nearby CCRC where she already knew a few people. She has a lovely 1200 s.f. 2BR 2BA independent living garden apartment. However, she has not been especially happy there, primarily because she refuses to get involved in any of the extensive activities. Either they are bad because they are "just for fun (e.g., bridge) and not educational" or, if educational (e.g., discussion groups) they are no good because the discussion is not properly run or the participants do not discuss the topic on a high enough level to suit her. Support groups (e.g., grief groups) are out because - well just because (I suspect because they might trigger a lot of sadness).
Life is what happens to us when we are not paying attention. There is nothing quite so human as participating in the family and small community, yet we tend to judge ourselves as failures when we let this small domestic things get in the way of the frenetic consumerism that is the modern American way of life.
Spending time with your children, spouse, siblings and parents is really all there is to human existence. All the rest is dross.
Bravo for you if you have found your way to this kernel of truth simply by chance.
And bravo for your husband why gave you the best advice you will ever get.
Spending time with your children, spouse, siblings and parents is really all there is to human existence. All the rest is dross.
Bravo for you if you have found your way to this kernel of truth simply by chance.
And bravo for your husband why gave you the best advice you will ever get.
11
This article misses an important point: the care options available for the elderly in our country go from rotten to terrible. There are NO good options. We are doing a disservice saying that we must deal with this by setting up assisted living facilities in our homes. My father is completely immobile from Parkinson's disease. It would be impossible to care for him at home. Many many people end up facing these terrible choices and feeling guilty for not being able to meet their parent's needs.
The economics are horrific. We think College costs are out of sight: Before he was placed in an excellent nursing home, my father was spending $30,000 a month for just the 24-hour aides (not nurses, just aides) in his assisted care facility. That does not include the $10,000 a month fee for that facility. Fortunately my parents were able to save about $1.5 million for their retirement and my father has annuity to supplement social security, which is the only way they could afford this. This is not a reasonable expectation for most people. Where is the political will for addressing the needs of the elderly less fortunate. Shame on us. I applaud this author for her devotion, but let's be reasonable, most cannot do this. Home care is not the solution!
The economics are horrific. We think College costs are out of sight: Before he was placed in an excellent nursing home, my father was spending $30,000 a month for just the 24-hour aides (not nurses, just aides) in his assisted care facility. That does not include the $10,000 a month fee for that facility. Fortunately my parents were able to save about $1.5 million for their retirement and my father has annuity to supplement social security, which is the only way they could afford this. This is not a reasonable expectation for most people. Where is the political will for addressing the needs of the elderly less fortunate. Shame on us. I applaud this author for her devotion, but let's be reasonable, most cannot do this. Home care is not the solution!
70
Is there a misprint here? Your father is spending $40,000 a month ($30K on aides and $10K on his facility fee?) At that rate, his $1.5 million won't last long.
Perhaps you meant $3K a month?
Perhaps you meant $3K a month?
Not wrong! Reality check for all of you out there. He now is in a nursing home so the costs are around $12,000 a month. Save Save Save. And be nice to your kids. Only way to end this prematurely in Michigan is to stop eating and drinking, like Diane Rehms' husband. Google it. We have to stop burying our heads in the sand!
'...It’s also hard to overlook that the people doing the heavy lifting in both cases tend to be women....'
No mention of a full time job for this women. Perhaps if this Helicopter Mom had to work or enjoyed working, she would have not interfered in her son's life quite so much, going so far as to write his class assignments.
The urge to be a Mommy Martyr happens to many women because they enjoy that saintly role. They get to be 'important' and appear to be self-sacrifing at the same time. Some even get to write humblebrags like this to make sure the whole world knows they sacrifice more than any one else.
'...There were cultural issues, too: Though never practicing Jews, we are cultural Jews, so family came first...'
Because only Jews believe that 'family comes first'?
No mention of a full time job for this women. Perhaps if this Helicopter Mom had to work or enjoyed working, she would have not interfered in her son's life quite so much, going so far as to write his class assignments.
The urge to be a Mommy Martyr happens to many women because they enjoy that saintly role. They get to be 'important' and appear to be self-sacrifing at the same time. Some even get to write humblebrags like this to make sure the whole world knows they sacrifice more than any one else.
'...There were cultural issues, too: Though never practicing Jews, we are cultural Jews, so family came first...'
Because only Jews believe that 'family comes first'?
43
You must be a guy.
10
1. At the end of the article her job as editor of a publication whose name I recognize is noted. It is possible that she has a more flexible schedule than many working people.
2. Nowhere did she say or imply that Jews were the only people with that tradition. Would you have reacted the same way if she had said Italians?
3. Why am I answering your silly screed?
2. Nowhere did she say or imply that Jews were the only people with that tradition. Would you have reacted the same way if she had said Italians?
3. Why am I answering your silly screed?
26
Looking for something to be angry about, eh? The article lists her profession: "Mimi Swartz is an executive editor at Texas Monthly and a contributing opinion writer."
And she never used the word "only." Only you did that.
And she never used the word "only." Only you did that.
6
Your dedication is remarkable, and he is fortunate to have you.
That said, while a well-balanced diet is important, please don't say that you completely cut out your dad's red wine. Yes, he is 88, dependent, and forgetful. But, he still deserves to experience the things that have brought him joy and pleasure throughout his life.
So, if red wine is one of those things, I hope you still let him enjoy a glass, or perhaps two as he likes.
That said, while a well-balanced diet is important, please don't say that you completely cut out your dad's red wine. Yes, he is 88, dependent, and forgetful. But, he still deserves to experience the things that have brought him joy and pleasure throughout his life.
So, if red wine is one of those things, I hope you still let him enjoy a glass, or perhaps two as he likes.
33
Two observations: First, in a recent article on secrets of a happy retirement the author suggested that parents live at least 10 miles from their kids --- which, we have observed and found to work well, both for our marriage at this stage in our lives and the marriages of our children for the stage in their lives. Second, in the last two years, after a long period of care, our parents have passed away. And, no doubt, our care made their lives better. Not that I have a good answer for this, but I would say, that as caregivers, it did take a tremendous emotional toll on all involved in the daily care routines ---
4
I have never seen this ten mile idea but I agree. My in laws moved from 60 miles away to one mile and, honestly, it was the beginning of the end of my marriage. We are still married but my husband withdrew emotionally when his mother was breathing down his neck all the time. Now she is elderly and widowed, though not I'll, and wants him to hover and care for her and love her. He is not a caretaker by disposition. It is all I can do not to tell her she raised a withdrawn person, he does not take care of even his wife's emotional needs and he has no interest in taking care of hers. Yes this is harsh and sad but truth sometimes is. Of course I do not actually say this. It she will wIt a long time for what she wants. btw, she had only one child on purpose. Now she laments she should have had a daughter.
1
"And there’s my father’s personality. He never complains, likes to flirt and has a killer smile."
Its too bad all parents are not like this. Many, unfortunately, develop paranoia, become violent, or make demands that are not reasonable, like buying a new computer every day because he has forgotten he already has ten and can only seems to enjoy shopping, or buying houses for random people he met in the store, and becoming upset because you will not allow this. I am so glad things have worked out well for you. Too bad it can not be this nice for everyone.
Its too bad all parents are not like this. Many, unfortunately, develop paranoia, become violent, or make demands that are not reasonable, like buying a new computer every day because he has forgotten he already has ten and can only seems to enjoy shopping, or buying houses for random people he met in the store, and becoming upset because you will not allow this. I am so glad things have worked out well for you. Too bad it can not be this nice for everyone.
19
Can I make a reservation for 10 years from now?
4
I never thought of this word till I read this article. I do live close to my parents which works out for both of us. They know they have me and my family close by if they need anything and at the same time they have their privacy. You don't realize how much parents want at least one adult child nearby as they age. You just have to know that they need help with and take care of it since my parents will not ask. They don't want to feel like they are a burden to me. This can be challenging but you just have to learn to figure out.
4
You're so lucky to have your dad with you! Best wishes for his continuing good health.
3
I guess I could be called a helicopter son. When my father passed away four years ago, mom made the decision to stay in her home. I retired from work to look after her. I fret, worry, and stew about her. Though legally blind and walks with great difficulty, mom maintains her independence, fiercely. Mom recently returned from a cruise around the British Isles. I take her shopping, to the doctors, and social events. I help her look after her home. Only those, like Ms Swartz, can appreciate what a difficult undertaking it is. I receive long distance advice and criticism from my siblings who have no idea what is
involved.
Yet, in the afternoon on the patio, with Sir Henry, her dachshund laying at her
feet, as we nurse our gin and tonics, I relish every minute with her.
involved.
Yet, in the afternoon on the patio, with Sir Henry, her dachshund laying at her
feet, as we nurse our gin and tonics, I relish every minute with her.
201
My mom died over ten years ago, although it doesn't feel like it was that long. She had a relatively quick illness and I miss her everyday. Those gin and tonics with your mom are precious.
6
Well done, ChuckW - you'll never regret the care you have given her. She's a lucky woman.
1
You and your mother are so lucky to have each other, Chuck. After our elderly mom was diagnosed with dementia, my brother moved her into his home and took wonderful care of her, until he was diagnosed with cancer. I wasn't in a position to retire (and my husband offers no support when it comes to matters like these), so after my brother's death I had to move our mom into a nursing home near me. She died four years ago this month, and I still feel guilty. The worst thing, though, was having to receive from my clueless sister the same sort of "long-distance advice and criticism" that you describe. My sister, who never even bothered to send a Mother's Day card or a Christmas card to our mom, who never called or visited her, but had opinions about everything. (Can you tell I'm still annoyed?!) I get along with my sister (she's all I have left of my immediate family), but I do think it's unfortunate that she didn't take part in our mother's last years. I'm grateful to have had the chance to do so, and just wish I could have done more. All the best to you, your mom, and Sir Henry.
"Overcaring for a child is bad for the child, but overcaring for an elderly parent is not bad for the parent."
I beg to differ. I commend you for your work on behalf of your family. I've been in your shoes, and it's exhausting but rewarding work. And it sounds as though your father truly appreciates his new living situation. One caution, though, as his condition inevitably deteriorates over time: Do not infantilize him. As long as he has his faculties, he has the right to make decisions that you deem unwise, for example, if he starts insisting on drinking wine again. He has earned the right to be treated like an adult, even though his needs may resemble those of a child. It's a very difficult balance for the caregiver, and it sounds as though you are fully committed to your father. But please do not demean him by thinking of him or treating him like a child.
I beg to differ. I commend you for your work on behalf of your family. I've been in your shoes, and it's exhausting but rewarding work. And it sounds as though your father truly appreciates his new living situation. One caution, though, as his condition inevitably deteriorates over time: Do not infantilize him. As long as he has his faculties, he has the right to make decisions that you deem unwise, for example, if he starts insisting on drinking wine again. He has earned the right to be treated like an adult, even though his needs may resemble those of a child. It's a very difficult balance for the caregiver, and it sounds as though you are fully committed to your father. But please do not demean him by thinking of him or treating him like a child.
63
As a licensed social worker and former certified substance abuse counselor (retired), I waffle on the topic of alcohol for people such as her father. It really depends in part on how much he was drinking, and on the medications he is currently taking. As she is in contact with his health care providers and has access to pharmacy staff, it would make sense to explore the impact of alcohol on his health and its interaction with his prescribed medications--and in concert with all involved, perhaps to set a limit on how much daily alcohol constitutes a reasonable intake.
Alcohol use becomes problematic for a considerable minority of retirees, as many as 20%. Avoiding that route will keep her life, and that of her family, more stable, and when her father finally dies, she will be left with much better memories of whatever time they have together as his life ebbs.
Alcohol use becomes problematic for a considerable minority of retirees, as many as 20%. Avoiding that route will keep her life, and that of her family, more stable, and when her father finally dies, she will be left with much better memories of whatever time they have together as his life ebbs.
1
@Unhappy: I get your concerns, but even where there are health considerations -- this man is an ADULT. He is not senile. And alcohol is a pleasure he is entitled to have if he wants it.
Frankly, I think a lot of seniors would be happier if they could have a cocktail or glass of wine with dinner. I've clocked a lot of hours in AL and nursing homes, and I can tell you that many of them request such things, and the staff (and their families) prefer to infantilize them. It is similar to how seniors are treated if they want romance or sex.
On top of that: I am not generally in favor of legalizing marijuana (nor of "wink wink" laws that give it to people for a hangnail). But if there is any group that would benefit tremendously from marijuana usage, it is these seniors in AL/nursing homes! Many are wasting away from lack of appetite, and the food is AWFUL (hospital type food). They are bored, and often sit in wheelchairs in front of a TV all day long. They are depressed, because of course they have every reason to be depressed -- illness, no hope for the future, increasing disability. If something like marijuana calmed and cheered them up, made them laugh or gave them an appetite -- it would be an incredible blessing. Yet I have never even heard this DISCUSSED as an option.
Frankly, I think a lot of seniors would be happier if they could have a cocktail or glass of wine with dinner. I've clocked a lot of hours in AL and nursing homes, and I can tell you that many of them request such things, and the staff (and their families) prefer to infantilize them. It is similar to how seniors are treated if they want romance or sex.
On top of that: I am not generally in favor of legalizing marijuana (nor of "wink wink" laws that give it to people for a hangnail). But if there is any group that would benefit tremendously from marijuana usage, it is these seniors in AL/nursing homes! Many are wasting away from lack of appetite, and the food is AWFUL (hospital type food). They are bored, and often sit in wheelchairs in front of a TV all day long. They are depressed, because of course they have every reason to be depressed -- illness, no hope for the future, increasing disability. If something like marijuana calmed and cheered them up, made them laugh or gave them an appetite -- it would be an incredible blessing. Yet I have never even heard this DISCUSSED as an option.
1
The question I'd ask the author is whether you're doing this because it is how you would want to be treated or if it is just compulsion. If it's how you'd want to be treated, you should make that known and plan for it. If it's compulsion, you should get help. It sounds like you're living life for everyone except yourself.
17
Compulsion? Wow. There are countless children and elderly parents who I'm sure would love to be fussed over by someone such as the author of this piece. Is there a line in terms of becoming overinvolved? Sure. But don't underestimate the time, effort and emotional energy it takes to care for a child or elderly parent.
4
I used the word compulsion because of how she related similar helecopter-like tendencies with her child.
I have a 6 year old, I'm well aware of the energy it takes to raise a child. My parents are young (mid-70's) so we're not there yet, but when we are I won't have a problem discussing their wishes with them. But, I know my mother and father would think it compulsive if I bought them 50 books in a year. Why not get him an e-book reader and teach him to use it if he doesn't already know so he can make his own choices?
I have a 6 year old, I'm well aware of the energy it takes to raise a child. My parents are young (mid-70's) so we're not there yet, but when we are I won't have a problem discussing their wishes with them. But, I know my mother and father would think it compulsive if I bought them 50 books in a year. Why not get him an e-book reader and teach him to use it if he doesn't already know so he can make his own choices?
4
I would be more concerned about a compulsion to judge others.
2
"I never intended any of this; one thing just led to another. Most people I know in similar situations have tucked their parents into long-term care facilities, and plainly think I’m a lunatic for not doing so."
My wife was born and raised in the Caribbean -- where they have a completely different cultural viewpoint regarding the "issue" of caring for our elderly and aging parents --
Every time I mention an article like this to my wife, she replies...
"Only in this country do people regard the care of their elderly parents and relatives to be a 'problem' -- For us, it's considered to be an honor and a privilege." --
In her country, there is no such thing as an "Elder Care" industry - and nursing homes there are the last stop for people who have no family to look after them -- essentially the equivalent of geriatric orphans...
From having spent years around my wife's family - including her 80-plus year-old aunts...I have had the opportunity to observe this ideal in operation --
And after reading Ms. Swartz's moving piece - the only thing I can say to her is that you're doing it right...
“Hello, Min!” he says, using the nickname he gave me decades ago. He’s still so very glad to see me, as I am him."
How lucky you are --
My wife was born and raised in the Caribbean -- where they have a completely different cultural viewpoint regarding the "issue" of caring for our elderly and aging parents --
Every time I mention an article like this to my wife, she replies...
"Only in this country do people regard the care of their elderly parents and relatives to be a 'problem' -- For us, it's considered to be an honor and a privilege." --
In her country, there is no such thing as an "Elder Care" industry - and nursing homes there are the last stop for people who have no family to look after them -- essentially the equivalent of geriatric orphans...
From having spent years around my wife's family - including her 80-plus year-old aunts...I have had the opportunity to observe this ideal in operation --
And after reading Ms. Swartz's moving piece - the only thing I can say to her is that you're doing it right...
“Hello, Min!” he says, using the nickname he gave me decades ago. He’s still so very glad to see me, as I am him."
How lucky you are --
88
'...For us, it's considered to be an honor and a privilege...'
Of course men are fine with this, because the women are the ones doing it.
Of course men are fine with this, because the women are the ones doing it.
7
I'm assuming your wife does not work and can care for elderly relatives full time? And this is true for her extended family in the Caribbean? I love it when people comment about other cultures where WOMEN DO NOT TYPICALLY WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME about how elders are so respected. Yes, it is a lot easier when you can survive on one salary!
15
In the Caribbean islands (where I have lived), home care makes sense. An important difference is that caring for elders in the island cultures generally follows a pathway that expects and allows natural death as the endpoint; the extravagant high tech medical interventions commonly employed in the United States are used far less often. A woman with dementia would not routinely be subjected to mammograms, biopsies and chemotherapy. Patients with widely metastasized cancer would not be routinely admitted to the ICU, intubated, given a feeding tube or put on dialysis. As a licensed social worker who has worked in health care settings, I can tell you that such interventions are common in the US. Your wife is right.
13
Lucky father. Lucky daughter.
105
I was never a helicopter parent and raised to highly successful daughters, however due to proximity and willingness to assist, I find myself in your role as a helicopter daughter. Although I am not Jewish, but Irish Catholic (not practicing) I agree that we owe our parents a place to live out their lives non institutionalized.
My father is a year younger than yours at 87. He has been widowed for 17 years now. It is so difficult watching his physical health decline. He is still mentally very much the same but the big handsome marine is now frail and thin. He was hospitalized for 9 weeks this past spring. He never fell, which is my constant worry, but had to have weeks of rehabilitation to be back on his own again. I stayed with him in the acute phase of his illness and was able to stop some medical errors and recognized the beginnings of sepsis, which got the treatment started within an hour. I am thoroughly prepared to move him in with us when that time comes. I have mentally pictured how I can renovate the first floor of my home to better accommodate his needs and privacy spaces.
We are both just being good daughters because we had very good fathers.
My father is a year younger than yours at 87. He has been widowed for 17 years now. It is so difficult watching his physical health decline. He is still mentally very much the same but the big handsome marine is now frail and thin. He was hospitalized for 9 weeks this past spring. He never fell, which is my constant worry, but had to have weeks of rehabilitation to be back on his own again. I stayed with him in the acute phase of his illness and was able to stop some medical errors and recognized the beginnings of sepsis, which got the treatment started within an hour. I am thoroughly prepared to move him in with us when that time comes. I have mentally pictured how I can renovate the first floor of my home to better accommodate his needs and privacy spaces.
We are both just being good daughters because we had very good fathers.
49
I am glad for both your sakes that you CAN do this for your dad.
However, it assumes that you are home full time...are retired, or have the luxury to not have to work for a living at a paying job outside the home....are yourself in good health and physically strong enough to move, dress, bathe a senior adult.
Remember that old age is a moving target. What works for your dad at 87, assuming he has no dementia or incontinence problems, may not work at all in 2-3 years. And if it stops working, I pray you have a couple of "back up options" and don't kill yourself with guilt.
However, it assumes that you are home full time...are retired, or have the luxury to not have to work for a living at a paying job outside the home....are yourself in good health and physically strong enough to move, dress, bathe a senior adult.
Remember that old age is a moving target. What works for your dad at 87, assuming he has no dementia or incontinence problems, may not work at all in 2-3 years. And if it stops working, I pray you have a couple of "back up options" and don't kill yourself with guilt.
1
I think you're going overboard if you're overhauling his diet at this point. He's 88, let him eat whatever he wants.
150
"Hyperbole" - please look it up. you might want to check "humor" while you're at it.
1
Easy to say as a Quarterback on the bench.
Disagree. Give him alcohol and sugar if you want him to leave this world soon. Seriously old folks' desires and tastes definitely change and become much narrower and more sensitive. They rarely desire or can tolerate alcohol or caffeine
I'm a Gpa soon to be like your father. Bless you.
37
I'm in my mid-80's, my wife and I in our longtime home but increasingly looking uneasily toward the time when we can no longer manage our too-large house. Our very caring children, both medical professionals, live far away. Each of us looks at the spouse and wonders which one will go first. The idea of an old-folks home is antithetical to both of us. Neither of us cares to think about living with one of the children, both of whom are loving but testy, like us. How shall we plan? There is no way.
1
Sam, I'm sorry to say that you and your wife may have waited too long to start thinking about this. My spouse is 82, I am 74. We sold our house five years ago, moved to a downtown apartment in a bustling nearby small city. Best decision we ever made and we were young enough to have the energy to do it.
Lucky to have good health, we walk almost everywhere, use the bus for uphill or long trips and use a carshare org, having sold our car. We participate in several exercise classes per week. But we know the rug, so to speak, could be pulled out from under us at any time; therefore, we have "final exit" plans. No 100% guarantee that we'll get the kind of death we want, but, if not, it won't be for lack of trying.
It's hard to think and talk about these things, I know--I hope you and your wife can start to make plans--maybe it's not too late to hire professional organizers and movers to help you.
I wish you the best of luck on this journey.
Lucky to have good health, we walk almost everywhere, use the bus for uphill or long trips and use a carshare org, having sold our car. We participate in several exercise classes per week. But we know the rug, so to speak, could be pulled out from under us at any time; therefore, we have "final exit" plans. No 100% guarantee that we'll get the kind of death we want, but, if not, it won't be for lack of trying.
It's hard to think and talk about these things, I know--I hope you and your wife can start to make plans--maybe it's not too late to hire professional organizers and movers to help you.
I wish you the best of luck on this journey.
You are among the lucky: the money to pay full-time attendents and a father who is still able to walk, swallow and communicate -all without tubes. No one should throw stones at those who are forced to make the sad move to put loved parents into a nursing home because they need to work in order to make ends meet and so cannot be there 24/7. Or because they do not have the physical capacity to turn a big person in bed in order to change diapers or the skill to operate the machines that keep someone from choking on their own saliva. Each case is different and of course those who can should be applauded for keeping parents out of a home, if that is their wish. But equally, in cases where home care is not possible, those should be applauded for doing what is best for the parent, even though it goes against popular grain. Those who have never watched 24/7 a terminally ill person suffer through the last terrible months of dying cannot begin to understand what is truly involved in care-giving.
I am glad that you are still able on balance to enjoy the relationship with someone who is clearly still your father.
I have not had to care for a dementia patient myself but have seen enough friends in my parents' CCRC and one other close friend situation to have learned a little about the condition. I know everyone is just brimming with advice but I had one reflection that I will share.
There is likely to come a time when your father and you will need him to be in assisted living and then skilled nursing. You have time to start checking those places out now. Remember you care about how he will fare there in a state diminished from how he is now so décor and menu matter little past the very basics. Cleanliness does matter. To me the single best indicator is the staff turnover rate. Network about this search. People who are pastors, medical professionals and especially hospital social workers may be good sources or good sources of sources. Use your journalist's skills.
I have not had to care for a dementia patient myself but have seen enough friends in my parents' CCRC and one other close friend situation to have learned a little about the condition. I know everyone is just brimming with advice but I had one reflection that I will share.
There is likely to come a time when your father and you will need him to be in assisted living and then skilled nursing. You have time to start checking those places out now. Remember you care about how he will fare there in a state diminished from how he is now so décor and menu matter little past the very basics. Cleanliness does matter. To me the single best indicator is the staff turnover rate. Network about this search. People who are pastors, medical professionals and especially hospital social workers may be good sources or good sources of sources. Use your journalist's skills.
72
Speaking as someone who was forced by the sheer enormity of health problems to place a family member in a nursing home, I cannot recommend this advice enough. I hated everything about the place (which was actually one of the best options) except for the aides, who were wonderful.
29
You are absolutely correct. From a "been there, done that" perspective, you may be able to care for your father now, but there could come a time when that is impossible. Check out places now, before you really need them. Some of the best, we found, have waiting lists, which are a good thing to be on now.
8
Or you could not put your family members in a care home. Not all dementias progess like Alzheimers. Some people can be cared for at home and will not have the severe progression of prion-caused dementias.
My family cared for my Great-grandma with dementia at home (and the help of 24 hour nursing care) until the day she passed, and now that my grandma is entering her 9th decade and showing the signs of beginning dementia preparing to go down that road as well. It was trying, but well worth it. Her short term memory was gone, but she could talk about the past and seemed to get joy speaking of days gone by.
She was comfortable and happy, even as her short term memory disappeared. She did not have Alzheimers, so remained fundamentally herself, just missing recent memories,
The best nursing homes are just a shadow of living out the last few years of your life surrounded by family in a familiar place. Our parents cared for us as children, and we owe it to them to not warehouse them away unless it is absolutely needed, just not "inconvenient" to care for them.
I wonder how many symptoms of dementia such as the "running away" "anger" etc come from taking a person with minimal short term memory and putting them in a completely unfamiliar place surrounded by people they don't know. If you remembered your family and home but was stuck in a hospital like setting and were not allowed to leave, but you didnt know why, wouldn't you constantly try to get back to those you cared for?
My family cared for my Great-grandma with dementia at home (and the help of 24 hour nursing care) until the day she passed, and now that my grandma is entering her 9th decade and showing the signs of beginning dementia preparing to go down that road as well. It was trying, but well worth it. Her short term memory was gone, but she could talk about the past and seemed to get joy speaking of days gone by.
She was comfortable and happy, even as her short term memory disappeared. She did not have Alzheimers, so remained fundamentally herself, just missing recent memories,
The best nursing homes are just a shadow of living out the last few years of your life surrounded by family in a familiar place. Our parents cared for us as children, and we owe it to them to not warehouse them away unless it is absolutely needed, just not "inconvenient" to care for them.
I wonder how many symptoms of dementia such as the "running away" "anger" etc come from taking a person with minimal short term memory and putting them in a completely unfamiliar place surrounded by people they don't know. If you remembered your family and home but was stuck in a hospital like setting and were not allowed to leave, but you didnt know why, wouldn't you constantly try to get back to those you cared for?
1
I'm a helicopter son. I didn't move Mom in, I just moved next to her, so she can stay where she is most comfortable after living in the same home for 65 years. For me too, a fall and hip replacement and stint of her in rehab hospital were key events.
As we live longer, something like this is becoming a common American experience. A good friend of mine is doing this for both his mother and his mother-in-law.
As we live longer, something like this is becoming a common American experience. A good friend of mine is doing this for both his mother and his mother-in-law.
62
As someone who had parents and in-laws get old, then really old and then old and frail, I can say from experience that the trajectory is not linear and it is not always possible nor the best option to move your parent into your own home. Full time caregiving is not possible for many because of time, money or space constraints.
To demonize, in any way, people - quite often the senior themselves - who choose congregate care and living is continuing the fallacy that somehow daughter know best.
When it came time to make the decision for my father (86) who could not longer live alone or unassisted, he welcomed assisted living. It was a VA facility. It was clean, wonderful, and the caregivers there were great. My brother (who had taken care of my father for many years in his home) and I believe whole heartedly that it not only extended his life but the quality of the time he had
To demonize, in any way, people - quite often the senior themselves - who choose congregate care and living is continuing the fallacy that somehow daughter know best.
When it came time to make the decision for my father (86) who could not longer live alone or unassisted, he welcomed assisted living. It was a VA facility. It was clean, wonderful, and the caregivers there were great. My brother (who had taken care of my father for many years in his home) and I believe whole heartedly that it not only extended his life but the quality of the time he had
13
If you CAN do it -- emotionally, physically, financially -- that's wonderful. Not everyone CAN do this.
Moving next door may be a lot easier in Clawson, Michigan than it would be in Brooklyn or Manhattan or San Francisco. It isn't affordable for many folks to do this. Just having the next door home or apartment available when you need it would be a miracle.
Old age is a moving target. Your mom may be fine in her own home today, with help. Tomorrow may be another situation.
Also: I have found that even with their flaws, Assisted Living centers offer friends and socialization that many seniors need desperately...being alone in your own home, or living with adult children, isn't really the socialization with peers that seniors want.
Moving next door may be a lot easier in Clawson, Michigan than it would be in Brooklyn or Manhattan or San Francisco. It isn't affordable for many folks to do this. Just having the next door home or apartment available when you need it would be a miracle.
Old age is a moving target. Your mom may be fine in her own home today, with help. Tomorrow may be another situation.
Also: I have found that even with their flaws, Assisted Living centers offer friends and socialization that many seniors need desperately...being alone in your own home, or living with adult children, isn't really the socialization with peers that seniors want.
2
I'll always been an independent person doing whatever my own counsel directed. It may be because I am the oldest of 8 children and was pushed out of the nest early.
He always seems to be trying to convince I am too old for some of my ideas. Despite severe disabilities I insist on taking some work that requires the climbing of extension ladders. I built my own decks and walkway.
The worst chewing out I got was getting two new dogs after my Little Dog passed on. I live for my Corgis. He doesn't seem to see that caring for them is what gets me up at 5 AM, a lifetime habit.
I don't want to be cared for. I may not have done all the things I should have throughout life and I certainly don't intend to start now no matter how much he complains. And I intend to stay in my own home to the end.