Grief is a funny thing. It doesn't just come with death. It's in everyday life. I'd like to think that everyone is grieving something. Whether it's death, a loss of a best friend, a bad decision, a regret, or even something hurtful that was said to you. It sounds like such an awful thing, but it's so common. I like the concept: "people alternate between continuing sorrow and a growing ability to rediscover life's pleasures". That's so true. People will tell someone who is grieving to let themselves grieve. However, it's hard for a lot of people to know when the proper time to stop is.
13
The only recourse to a life after the death of loved ones at old age is to remember only the fond times and be oblivious of the odd moments. But this does not happen so easily. It depends upon the situation as it unfolds upon after the passing away of the spouse, one rues or misses. In any case living the life and looking forward to what happens next with some kind of hope and feeling of warmth for others who are around will assuage make things better.
2
My wife of 29 years passed away August 2011. It was noted by a counselor at CancerCare that I started grieving when she was diagnosed three years earlier. Since her death I have been writing and podcasting about grief and its changing avatar in my life. At times I am able to hold it at bay at other times as I cull books and find notes and photos it returns to remind me of my loss. Perhaps my thoughts will aid others.
http://www.bioc.net/podcast
http://www.bioc.net/blog/
Animating My Grief Like a Pixar Film
http://www.bioc.net/blog/2015/7/31/animating-my-grief-like-a-pixar-film
http://www.bioc.net/podcast
http://www.bioc.net/blog/
Animating My Grief Like a Pixar Film
http://www.bioc.net/blog/2015/7/31/animating-my-grief-like-a-pixar-film
5
Grief comes into our lives in many ways. Death of a loved one is not divorce, nor is it the end of a relationship each going in separate ways. For some it is very difficult to continue to live life as 'normal' after the death of a loved one. Grief after the death is a complex emotion that is served by the personality of the person who has experienced it. To judge and say 'get over it' is to try and change that person's sense of self and their relationship to the loss of the loved one...this is not an easy thing to do. Some people adapt to the loss with time and acceptance, some bury the emotion and move on, some are unable to get to a place where they don't experience the constant loss and pain, and help is what they need to re-establish a new life and integrate the loss in a more positive way.
7
I can relate to this, from the loss of my beautiful baby in 1970, when I was encouraged/forced to give her up for adoption- because I was not married.
And then I was told that I would get over it, I would go on to have my "own" baby and to never speak of it again because it was so shameful.
That is a recipe for mental illness if I've ever heard one. And I did just what I was told. I never spoke of it again and my grief never ever ever went away it grew it festered it mushroomed it took over my whole being and since I was not able to express it
I never recovered. And people do not understand to this day. After 35 years I did start speaking of it. No one wants to hear. They say I probably think about her on her birthday. Really? Or that I did the right thing. Or that she was better off or a lucky baby or I got to go ahead and have my own life. Believe me the pain never leaves. It is very complicated and there's very little sympathy -the lack of empathy and understanding surrounding adoption loss keeps people from healing.
And then I was told that I would get over it, I would go on to have my "own" baby and to never speak of it again because it was so shameful.
That is a recipe for mental illness if I've ever heard one. And I did just what I was told. I never spoke of it again and my grief never ever ever went away it grew it festered it mushroomed it took over my whole being and since I was not able to express it
I never recovered. And people do not understand to this day. After 35 years I did start speaking of it. No one wants to hear. They say I probably think about her on her birthday. Really? Or that I did the right thing. Or that she was better off or a lucky baby or I got to go ahead and have my own life. Believe me the pain never leaves. It is very complicated and there's very little sympathy -the lack of empathy and understanding surrounding adoption loss keeps people from healing.
39
To me this is one of the most interesting articles of the week because of the way it highlights such a taboo topic – as a society, we don’t talk much about people dealing with mental illnesses, especially ones like extreme grief, because they’re uncomfortable. No one wants to relive memories of a loved one dying, but if the endless guilt that someone still feels is ignored, it certainly isn’t doing favors for that person who’s still living. Naturally, the bigger scope of this issue is the country’s general unwillingness to improve healthcare and treatment options for those with mental health concerns that are actively seeking ways out of the silent suffering they endure, but it does raise some smaller, valid points about analysis of patients’ conditions. For example, Jerome C. Wakefield is quoted in the article as saying, “Does psychiatry need to continually label the range of normal human emotions as disorders?” This is an interesting musing, especially considering the sheer size of the percentage of the population that takes medicine for things like anxiety or depression just in order to maintain normalcy in their everyday lives; are disorders being thrown around too loosely, or is the fast-paced world we live in today just too much to keep up with unless we train ourselves to deal with it? Assuming it's the latter, I’m truly glad programs like this one are being set up to help people handle their emotions and thoughts, because we all deserve a positive outlook on tomorrow.
8
So much judgment, so little empathy. People dismissively assuming that crippling grief should be accepted and people's lives impaired because grief is normal.
I was diagnosed with complicated grief less than 6 months after my mother died when she was 74 and I 46. I went to a therapist because my 16-year-old son became alarmed when I could barely drag myself from my bed to a couch on successive Saturdays and I wanted to assuage his worry.
It took 5 years of work with a brilliant grief therapist to sort through and cope with all the losses in a difficult life that had led to my grief over my mother's death nearly disabling me. I watched my father grieve for my mother as well, and although in some ways his suffering was deeper it also was briefer.
Complicated grieving comes for many reasons, as individual as the people who suffer from it. I have come to the conclusion that losing a parent, although part of the natural life cycle, is one of the hardest things we go through. Don't wait 6 months. Trust yourself. If you don't find yourself smiling and laughing on occasion after 3 months seek help. And be prepared to learn how to enjoy life while missing the person you loved every day of it.
I was diagnosed with complicated grief less than 6 months after my mother died when she was 74 and I 46. I went to a therapist because my 16-year-old son became alarmed when I could barely drag myself from my bed to a couch on successive Saturdays and I wanted to assuage his worry.
It took 5 years of work with a brilliant grief therapist to sort through and cope with all the losses in a difficult life that had led to my grief over my mother's death nearly disabling me. I watched my father grieve for my mother as well, and although in some ways his suffering was deeper it also was briefer.
Complicated grieving comes for many reasons, as individual as the people who suffer from it. I have come to the conclusion that losing a parent, although part of the natural life cycle, is one of the hardest things we go through. Don't wait 6 months. Trust yourself. If you don't find yourself smiling and laughing on occasion after 3 months seek help. And be prepared to learn how to enjoy life while missing the person you loved every day of it.
8
A lot of times, you can't get over your loss, you just get use to it
24
I would LOVE to take part in a study like this. I am a very successful 50 year old male. My wife and my children are amazing. But I can't get through a week without breaking into tears with grief and guilt. My brother was murdered. My Sister, Mother, and Brother-in-Law all committed suicide. Several other friends and acquaintances have perished in "not normal" circumstances. And my very logical mind knows that none of that was my fault. Yet my emotions are....? I will work until I die to find the peace I deserve, but Mental Health Care / Help in this nation is really not what it needs to be. I could do so much more with a little help.
32
Jeff: I am so sorry for your anguish. You should recognize, in justice to yourself, that the losses you have experienced are unspeakable.
I hope this will help you. My mother died at a reasonable age--and considerably greater than her own parents--but after unspeakable suffering due to medical errors compounding upon each other, and despite the desperate efforts of my brother, myself, and a professional health care advocate. And my own relationship with my mother had always been very complicated.
For a year--a full year--I woke every day in agony and went to sleep every night in agony, full of guilt and bewilderment that someone could suffer so much as she had. I had awful dreams in which my mother blamed me for her death, or just looked terrible.
And then one day I was halfway through the morning before I realized something was different. The pain had stopped. I had the overwhelming feeling that my mother had finally let go, had moved on, was happy and at peace.
This happened, on its own, in its right time. The difference between the day before, and the day it happened, is impossible to describe. It wasn't made to happen. It just did.
May you be granted respite and peace and comfort. In the meanwhile, let the love of those around you be the anchor that keeps you from drowning.
I hope this will help you. My mother died at a reasonable age--and considerably greater than her own parents--but after unspeakable suffering due to medical errors compounding upon each other, and despite the desperate efforts of my brother, myself, and a professional health care advocate. And my own relationship with my mother had always been very complicated.
For a year--a full year--I woke every day in agony and went to sleep every night in agony, full of guilt and bewilderment that someone could suffer so much as she had. I had awful dreams in which my mother blamed me for her death, or just looked terrible.
And then one day I was halfway through the morning before I realized something was different. The pain had stopped. I had the overwhelming feeling that my mother had finally let go, had moved on, was happy and at peace.
This happened, on its own, in its right time. The difference between the day before, and the day it happened, is impossible to describe. It wasn't made to happen. It just did.
May you be granted respite and peace and comfort. In the meanwhile, let the love of those around you be the anchor that keeps you from drowning.
16
Two factors that probably exacerbate the pain and duration of the grieving process are; 1, if the partner/spouse's death is preceded by a long and grueling illness. and 2, if, after the death of the loved one the partner/spouse separates him/herself from family and friends. This separation might not be intentional. It may just be a result of this long grieving experience that can't be understood or endured by others. These two factors leave one in a profoundly isolated place, usually before it is fully realized. But once it is realized, one is left with the task of essentially building a whole new life out of nothing. A daunting prospect for anyone.
12
My husband suffered a severe stroke - could not walk, talk or understand. I took care of him for over 20 years. Prior to his stroke, I took care of his daughter who was schizophrenic for over 30 years. I had to take over his businesses in 12 different states, needed guardianships in 12 states, needed lawyers, accountants, nurses and needed to oversee all above. A young, brilliant, girl I loved jumped out of an apartment in Paris where she was in university and killed herself; then the daughter died from an unusual infection; then my husband passed away; then my nephew stabbed my sister-in-law to death and then his brother jumped off a patio to his death.
No wonder I am at wits end and don't know where to go from here! I don't know how I survived..............
No wonder I am at wits end and don't know where to go from here! I don't know how I survived..............
7
I was 53 when my husband died. I miss him still and always will. I have moved forward but you never get over it.Life is different and some family its and friendships have fallen away and new ones take their place. I look forward to meeting the next great love of my life - I just wish he wasn't taking so darn long to get here.
10
Going through these comments brings to mind my favorite quote from George Washington which is at the bottom of my letterhead: "We must make the best use of mankind as they are as we can't have them as we wish."
9
We must accept the passing away of our generation, our spouses, our friends, just as we accepted the passing away of the generation before us. We must be thankful if we don't witness the death of those, like our children, who die before us and before their time.
4
I had a depressed patient who started out by describing how her young teenage son was hit by a car and killed. Her husband showed up at the funeral home with his girlfriend. I said "wow" to myself. When did all this happen? - 13 years in the past. She ruminated about her tragic misfortune nearly every minute of the day. I asked what her daughter said about that. Her daughter said, "Get over it, mom."
Paralyzing grief is not caring about the lost loved one; such grief is about self. It is a view of self that says, "Woe is me. I'm the only person in the history of the world who has suffered."
Caring about a lost loved one is about remembering that person with fondness and respect and love and, yes, some sadness; but then being a responsible, supportive, and contributing member of society.
Paralyzing grief is not caring about the lost loved one; such grief is about self. It is a view of self that says, "Woe is me. I'm the only person in the history of the world who has suffered."
Caring about a lost loved one is about remembering that person with fondness and respect and love and, yes, some sadness; but then being a responsible, supportive, and contributing member of society.
1
Wow. Were you of any help to this poor woman? You seem to be so critical and non-supportive. Perhaps you might benefit from consulting with the Center for Complicated Grief ... it would probably be of benefit to your patients as well.
15
I'm afraid you cannot understand the loss of a child. A deceased child is not just a "lost loved one" or just "that person". Woe is me? I'm shocked by your callous response.
Yes, thirteen years is a long time; but the loss of a child tends to freeze a part of our lives in time. It is an unbelievable and unparalleled pain that renders one's former life unrecognizable.
Perhaps her struggle is more than she can bear. Perhaps her paralyzing grief is the mourning for what her son's life might have been. Maybe her son was her best friend. She is a mother.
I believe that, as parents, we all have connections to our children, but some are more deeply connected than others. Perhaps she was one of those. I once heard an expression that implied that to have children was to have your heart walking around outside of you. Where is her heart now?
Yes, thirteen years is a long time; but the loss of a child tends to freeze a part of our lives in time. It is an unbelievable and unparalleled pain that renders one's former life unrecognizable.
Perhaps her struggle is more than she can bear. Perhaps her paralyzing grief is the mourning for what her son's life might have been. Maybe her son was her best friend. She is a mother.
I believe that, as parents, we all have connections to our children, but some are more deeply connected than others. Perhaps she was one of those. I once heard an expression that implied that to have children was to have your heart walking around outside of you. Where is her heart now?
16
All the higher animals, not only humans, experience and display grief at the loss of a loved one. Those who experience grief most deeply will never 'get over it', instead pining away, the sooner to meet again and be rejoined with the one who is lost. This is how it should be – notwithstanding the white-coated shrinks and their love of medicating life and all its sorrows.
2
I understand this level of grief. It's surely complicated by obsessive thinking and by clinical depression, but I think it's the normal outcome of really loving someone.
What I think is more pathological is what I see when people lose loved ones, to death or divorce, and just easily "move on" and "let it go" etc. It looks like they were never that attached to the departed person. I got divorced almost 30 years ago after a dysfunctional 7 year marriage, and since then I've never had a person be interested in marrying me. So I was left with no mate and with a gaping hole in my life. My ex "moved on" back then, apparently fairly easily. He's the one with the major pathology, not me. It would be the same situation if he had died. I still grieve the loss of my mate. I still hover just above depression.
What I think is more pathological is what I see when people lose loved ones, to death or divorce, and just easily "move on" and "let it go" etc. It looks like they were never that attached to the departed person. I got divorced almost 30 years ago after a dysfunctional 7 year marriage, and since then I've never had a person be interested in marrying me. So I was left with no mate and with a gaping hole in my life. My ex "moved on" back then, apparently fairly easily. He's the one with the major pathology, not me. It would be the same situation if he had died. I still grieve the loss of my mate. I still hover just above depression.
4
Ms. Clark, it is NOT the same situation if he had died. You may grieve the loss of your mate, but divorce, no matter who's idea it is or the circumstance, is still a choice. You may miss your mate, yet he is still walking the earth and you can still speak to him or run into him. Death is not like getting divorced. And just because you've never had a person be interested in marrying you doesn't mean that you are stuck in complex grief. I am very sorry if you think that, after divorce, people moving on makes them emotionally lacking but you really don't have any clue to what having your spouse, in this case, die and leave you permanently, forever, with no goodbye.
8
Ms. Clark - perhaps you are grieving the loss of a "dream" - maybe you need to focus on a partner and not on a marriage.
3
As a divorced mom who now realizes the chance of re-marriage or a stable relationship at 60 is almost zero ( and The Economist is the only publication that has done the math on this correctly) I find it hard to feel overly sorry for a woman who is in her 70's and had a great marriage and now can't cope. If her life is finished without him it is finished. Not sure if we are right to force her to go on in our cultural standards if the pain is too much for her.
Everyone feels sorry for widows but us divorced women call them 'lucky B*tches'. They usually had long marriages and are left with life insurance and pensions to live on. Divorcees are only left with bills.
In the past 4 years, I lost my marriage , two parents and probably my last 'relationship' . My grief is pretty deep but no one has much sympathy for divorcees. I guess these women had too much luck so when they lost it they couldn't fend for themselves. But at least they can afford a dog.
Everyone feels sorry for widows but us divorced women call them 'lucky B*tches'. They usually had long marriages and are left with life insurance and pensions to live on. Divorcees are only left with bills.
In the past 4 years, I lost my marriage , two parents and probably my last 'relationship' . My grief is pretty deep but no one has much sympathy for divorcees. I guess these women had too much luck so when they lost it they couldn't fend for themselves. But at least they can afford a dog.
13
Dead is dead and not necessarily a cash payday. Its a very different loss than divorce. I wouldnt wish death on anyone
6
Death is not better than divorce and not every widiw had a payday. Silly analogy. Both are a loss but death is worse
6
I lost both parents, a long marriage, and what turned out to be my last relationship all within a year. It was seven years before I started to feel just a little bit better, which was the start of my recovery. Outside, I functioned extremely well through that time, growing a great career, getting my kids launched, and building wealth. Inside, I still shudder to think of the pain I was in, all day, every day. And though the darkest days are now well behind me, I now wonder about spending the last 30? 40? years alone. At least I am financially prepared. Emotionally, I'm not so sure.
Then again, I have friends who divorced at 60 and within 9 months both were re-settled with partners that they married at the one year mark. Long mourning is probably not the best indicator of emotional health, but neither, I think, is lightning-speed recovery.
Then again, I have friends who divorced at 60 and within 9 months both were re-settled with partners that they married at the one year mark. Long mourning is probably not the best indicator of emotional health, but neither, I think, is lightning-speed recovery.
3
Some cultures have formal mourning periods during which time the person does not wear colorful clothes, is treated with great kindness, is not expected to emerge from the grieving process all at once. Americans seem to be very uncomfortable with strong feelings of sadness, depression, or despair. We don't seem to have the patience to understand that each person grieves differently and at a different pace. A friend of mine kept on feeling guilty because she believed she hadn't been sad enough over the death of her sister from cancer. From the outside, I knew that she had not had a close relationship with her sister when they were children or as adults. But she was convinced that something was wrong with her for not feeling enough grief. So, not only did she lose her sister, she deprived herself of her grief on the grounds that it wasn't enough. What she did instead was to get angry at everyone else because they felt more than she did.
I think it must be hard to live a long life and lose all the friends and family that you had something in common with. It's probably akin to moving to a new country where you don't speak the language or know the people. However, in the case of the elderly, it's complicated by the fact that they hold the memories but may not feel that anyone wants to hear them. Elderly or not, when someone we love deeply dies, it can leave a large gap in our selves. Why not take time to mourn that new gap, especially if we can't walk away.
I think it must be hard to live a long life and lose all the friends and family that you had something in common with. It's probably akin to moving to a new country where you don't speak the language or know the people. However, in the case of the elderly, it's complicated by the fact that they hold the memories but may not feel that anyone wants to hear them. Elderly or not, when someone we love deeply dies, it can leave a large gap in our selves. Why not take time to mourn that new gap, especially if we can't walk away.
20
My father, who died 25 years ago, was a tool and die maker who loved his work. When he died, he had a work shop set up in the basement of the family farm home in which he lived in retirement. In addition to being a work shop, it was also his private retreat.
When he suddenly died of a stroke, I could not bear to disturb that work shop in any way. It was the same as it was the day he died for over 20 years. I would sometimes go down there and feel his presence. Finally, the last member of our extended family who lived at that house passed away. The property was sold, and had to be cleared out. I could not bear to see that happen and did not participate in any way, not even to recover any of his possessions. Somehow, doing so would seem like seeing him die all over again. So the job was left to professionals, and my memory of the work shop is as it always was.
When he suddenly died of a stroke, I could not bear to disturb that work shop in any way. It was the same as it was the day he died for over 20 years. I would sometimes go down there and feel his presence. Finally, the last member of our extended family who lived at that house passed away. The property was sold, and had to be cleared out. I could not bear to see that happen and did not participate in any way, not even to recover any of his possessions. Somehow, doing so would seem like seeing him die all over again. So the job was left to professionals, and my memory of the work shop is as it always was.
27
Beautiful memory and wonderful observation. When my dear uncle died, that last person to live in my grandmother's Pennsylvania row-house, I could not bear the loss of this place that was such a haven for me (and later for my wife) for my whole life. I went room to room and videotaped every last nook and pantry. And just before the sale of that house, I had a carpenter remove the inner foyer door -- resplendent with stained glass -- and replace it with a standard door. That foyer door of Nana and Unky's now swings on the entry to our large kitchen pantry.
Paradoxically, as much as we need to let go, we need to hang on to what was a part of our life and our loves.
Paradoxically, as much as we need to let go, we need to hang on to what was a part of our life and our loves.
7
What this piece fails to include (as I suspect the study does as well) are those couples who were so completely defined by their partnership that what remains after a partner's death is only the shadow of a life that once was. This can be the cost of giving oneself so intimately and completely to another and many who've established that level of closeness are willing to accept the depth of loss after death. This seems to be a counterbalance to the depth of the gain the couple experienced together when living.
There may still be comorbidity factors like depression or extenuating factors like feelings of guilt that still require treatment. But loss is part of loving and living and deep loss often comes from deep love that is lived out in intimate partnership. There may be no coming back from that.
There may still be comorbidity factors like depression or extenuating factors like feelings of guilt that still require treatment. But loss is part of loving and living and deep loss often comes from deep love that is lived out in intimate partnership. There may be no coming back from that.
34
deep love? just what is that? What is being talked about here, is defined as "Deep attachment"... big big difference.. love comes and goes, it really is something a person can't hold onto , yet we try and that is when it becomes "Attachment". Too many people associate attachment as deep love.. it isn't.
2
I suspect we may have different definitions of love but for me trying to make a distinction between a healthy attachment and deep couple love is akin to carving a line in water. These concepts are too personal and subjective to argue. Either it resonates or it doesn't. Neither view is right or wrong. It just is.
7
To Lou: silly boy, Deep Love is not something that comes and goes like Puppy Love or Infatuational Love. Deep Love takes years to nourish and grow -- it becomes deeper and deeper as the years (including good and bad times) go by. It means not bailing when things get rough, of honoring each other's positives and negatives without trying to change them, and, I think, being in a relationship where EACH partner "loves the other more than the other loves him/her". If you don't think this works and leads to enduriing devotion, then try it sometime.
6
For most people, grief will never die -nor should it. I believe that it is a fallacy that the average person can completely forget their grief. On the surface, most "move on" eventually, but I think true grief for a beloved will never go away. I find it disrespectful to suggest that people need to be given a DSM diagnosis when those around them think they are grieving "too much" How is that determined, anyway? Some people may outwardly present themselves as having gone past their grief, while still grieving inside. Grief, for some, is a way of keeping the dead alive. I know that because I have lost a number of people in my life due to tragic and early deaths. I continue with my life, but I will always take the time to stop every once in a while to talk or think about them. That is how it seems to be for most people I know, even those people whom the outside world would say "grieve too much."
25
that is such a disingenuous statement- people should get over their grief. being hung up on a single person is nothing more than obsession, obsessive thoughts that all the world relies on their partner being alive.. how sad to go around that way.. i did, way back in my younger years.. try looking at life as it is , not as how you project it to be.
1
Norton, I don't think the researchers and clinicians working with complicated grief would suggest that anyone "completely forget" the losses of beloved people. Nor are they suggesting that stopping to think about those who have died is in any way pathological. The minority of survivors who suffer from this serious and lingering problem -- whether you call it a disorder or not -- are unable to function well years later, and that is a very different phenomenon.
2
Agreed! I am coming up to year 15 since my husband and Daddy passed two months apart. I was 36 years old and my Mama passed two years earlier. Mama had Ovarian Cancer and Daddy had Ling Cancer. My husband took his life and as far as I know he was not depressed but incredibly protective of me as another parent was approaching death. He was, is a s always will be the love of my life. I don't have a yearning to be loved by another because I am loved. Our bodies pass away, but love, it never dies.
Now if a man came along who was sane, decent and kind and could tolerate the fact I will ways love my husband, I might consider another relationship, but I doubt that will ever happen.
I still participate in life with my children and soon to be ten grandchildren but I feel a loss without Warren here. I always long for him to be here. It's not a mental disorder. It's called love.
Now if a man came along who was sane, decent and kind and could tolerate the fact I will ways love my husband, I might consider another relationship, but I doubt that will ever happen.
I still participate in life with my children and soon to be ten grandchildren but I feel a loss without Warren here. I always long for him to be here. It's not a mental disorder. It's called love.
7
I find a lot about what they say about grieving and older folks quite compelling. And I am glad people are looking at it.
But article only deals with the death of a loved one. But I have observed in myself when I was younger and in others 'complicated grief' as relates to break-ups and the ends of relationships. That is to say, grief over a break up that outlives 'normal' grieving periods exists and happens. Of course, in a break up one has the stubborn ego involved in a way one likely does not with a death, so it's not the same mechanism. But I wonder whether anyone has looked at whether the treatments could be applied in that domain as well. The "he's been gone two years so it's time to get over it" thing doesn't always work. I had a therapist say that to me once years ago. I have said it to friends who had gone through rough break-ups. It seems that sometimes grief counseling that goes beyond the mere 'normal' grieving processes and takes them into account is something that more work could be done on.
But article only deals with the death of a loved one. But I have observed in myself when I was younger and in others 'complicated grief' as relates to break-ups and the ends of relationships. That is to say, grief over a break up that outlives 'normal' grieving periods exists and happens. Of course, in a break up one has the stubborn ego involved in a way one likely does not with a death, so it's not the same mechanism. But I wonder whether anyone has looked at whether the treatments could be applied in that domain as well. The "he's been gone two years so it's time to get over it" thing doesn't always work. I had a therapist say that to me once years ago. I have said it to friends who had gone through rough break-ups. It seems that sometimes grief counseling that goes beyond the mere 'normal' grieving processes and takes them into account is something that more work could be done on.
7
Yes, but this article is specifically about the death of a loved one, not the cessation of a relationship. They are two very distinct things. There is no getting back when one is dead. period.
5
“Grief” is a simple word for a complex experience and in that sense all grief is complicated. However we use the term complicated in the medical sense, meaning that something is interfering with coping with a loss. You can think of losing a loved one as somewhat like a physical injury and psychological issues that interfere with grief as like an infection that complicates wound healing. This is what we mean by complicated grief.
Bereavement is a universal human experience and our minds contain mechanisms for successful coping and finding a satisfactory “new normal”. Humans are naturally resilient. When grief complications are present, this natural resilience is thwarted.
Most people with CG had a rewarding relationship with their loved one.
You might think that complicated grief is more likely if there was a difficult or ambivalent relationship with the person who died. However, this is not the case. Sometimes what a person yearns for is a relationship they badly wanted but couldn’t have. However, it is a misconception that complicated grief is usually related to underlying problems in the relationship with the deceased. Most people struggling with complicated grief have had an especially strong and rewarding relationship with the person who died. This means yearning and sorrow are especially strong and acute grief is especially painful
Bereavement is a universal human experience and our minds contain mechanisms for successful coping and finding a satisfactory “new normal”. Humans are naturally resilient. When grief complications are present, this natural resilience is thwarted.
Most people with CG had a rewarding relationship with their loved one.
You might think that complicated grief is more likely if there was a difficult or ambivalent relationship with the person who died. However, this is not the case. Sometimes what a person yearns for is a relationship they badly wanted but couldn’t have. However, it is a misconception that complicated grief is usually related to underlying problems in the relationship with the deceased. Most people struggling with complicated grief have had an especially strong and rewarding relationship with the person who died. This means yearning and sorrow are especially strong and acute grief is especially painful
17
when you come down to it , grief is nothing more than another form of obsession which btw is NOT healthy for one's own mind or body.
2
Nothing will ever be the same. I still remember my first love at 16.
6
Why move on? Why get over, or get through? For most people who grieve, probably there are many reasons. Useful to them might be these therapies the article mentions. But I empathize with the several commenters who imply that there is nothing left to them in the world after the loved one is lost. There are always obligations, for sure, but all meaning, joy, purpose are gone. Some people are content to live out their time without "adapting to loss," or following "the course of healing." Mere life is not an end in itself.
7
that is a tragedy, when a person says there is no more joy in the world because they put all of their joy into one person.. how sad and a deep mental house cleaning is order perhaps with psychotherapy. Isn't living on this Earth a joy onto itself?
3
this is almost exactly like "obsessive-compulsive" disorder, but is generally not treated because it usually involves a loved one, whether family member or partner. When we treat it as it should be, then healing and "normalcy" can begin. We have let go.... Attachments are one of the things we need to let go according to Buddha's teachings. There is no freedom for each of us if we don't, no nirvana, no bliss. Yet still we find excuses for letting the attachment of a person and the "grief" upon their parting to keep us in a hellish state of life. Treat long term grief as it actually is- obsessive thoughts, not as something sacred. We all lose loved ones, not a single one of us can claim otherwise- another wonderful teaching from Buddha.
3
When there is no one to replace the lost loved one, the irreplaceable, the most-loved, and most loving, what do you suggest? Non-attachment is not an option for some.
1
Eyesopen- we create our own little worlds and we can change them too. What it comes down to, it's all a mind game, a head trip, we justify it by calling it "love".
As with winning the lottery, it is said that how we have been living prior to this windfall is telling of how we will handle sudden wealth, so will we respond to sudden loss with heart break but eventual resilience and belief in ourselves or we will hand our futures over to the one to whom we owe our identity and is now gone forever.
I’ve always loved the saying, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That’s why we call it The Present.
My heart goes out to all who’ve lost a dear loved one. I lost my twin brother just seven months ago. I’ve known him for 75 years and from the start of life in our mother’s womb.
I’ve always loved the saying, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That’s why we call it The Present.
My heart goes out to all who’ve lost a dear loved one. I lost my twin brother just seven months ago. I’ve known him for 75 years and from the start of life in our mother’s womb.
9
Hugest of hugs to you. I do not have a twin but have lost two sisters and a brother. My sister who passed last year shook me as hard as my husbands passing. I am not sure I will ever fully recover. Grief is hard. It is just plain hard.
5
I learn something every day. After our youngest boy passed away after a 12-year-long illness, now more than 6 years ago, I have not been able to get back on my feet. I took care of him for those 12 years (my wife worked and works), home-schooled him through high school, took him to Kent State for pre-med studies. I cannot stop thinking about him every minute of every day, because not doing that might lead him to believe I no longer care. It gets complicated.
12
Paralyzing grief is not caring about the lost loved one; such grief is about self.. Caring about someone is about remembering that person with fondness and respect and love. And then being a responsible, supportive, and contributing member of society.
I am sorry. I don't know the right words to say but I hope you realize how good you were to him. I got a few weeks of therapy when my father died. Perhaps it would help you not forget but live with the grief so it doesn't hurt you so much. Your son would not want you to suffer.
6
That is one of the saddest things I ever read. However, I do understand the feeling that to 'stop thinking about him' might lead one to believe he no longer cares. Does Ben realize he is probably projecting his fear of 'no longer caring' onto his son who passed away? That's how it feels with me as I grieve for my mother. I don't want to believe I will ever 'no longer care'. It is part of the grieving process, but Ben has to accept his own part in this.
1
I can deeply relate to the touching stories of loss. My recovery from the death of a beloved husband many years ago has been made more difficult by a lack of support and understanding by family members.
It would have helped me immensely to have something to fill my life with by relating to my children and grandchildren, but their busy lives have not included me very much adding to my feeling of loss. It is not an uncommon occurrence among widows and not mentioned in your reader's replies. It would be interesting to know that my experiences are not unusual and how does one correct a similar unhappy situation?
I plan to discuss this with a counseller shortly.
It would have helped me immensely to have something to fill my life with by relating to my children and grandchildren, but their busy lives have not included me very much adding to my feeling of loss. It is not an uncommon occurrence among widows and not mentioned in your reader's replies. It would be interesting to know that my experiences are not unusual and how does one correct a similar unhappy situation?
I plan to discuss this with a counseller shortly.
11
My adult daughter told me recently that it's been almost 15 years and it was time I "get over it already". May she never know the pain of losing your soul mate. It's been life changing for me. Huge hugs to you.
1
Having children and grandchildren are very important for widows. Ability to have a job and good friends is also important. Being open to a new relationship shows that life can go on. However, people who have none of these things, who are isolated, alone, etc. have nothing to occupy them, results in constant grief for what they lost and the feeling life isn't worth living if they are alone. If one is lucky enough to have a family please enjoy them.
1
Get "over it" is a terrible expression. So is "move on". But living in the past and not working on a new future is not healthy, for the widow or the family. Having lost a husband and a child I am very aware of the pain and anger over loss. I was open enough to embrace life and what it has to offer. People have told me I didn't love the ones I lost enough as I was able to be happy again! I guess I was supposed to "jump into the grave". If you are religious this is not what God would want.
Life challenges us in different ways. Complicated grief is one of them. If, as the data suggest, 7 out of every 100 people experience it I would say it is not that big a deal, unless you're the person going through it or related to that person who simply, after year or so cannot just, snap out of it.
I say to those therapists and researchers that unless you have experienced a great loss you can never understand what that is like. To arbitrarily put a deadline on what is normal grieving is just hubris.
I lost my beloved husband of 42 years just over 3 years ago. I started to feel a new "normal" at about 2 years and 3 months out. I was proactive and did everything I could to help myself with the physical symptoms (my heart hurt so badly that I thought I was having a heart attack) of grief and the longing (I didn't understood that word before), including acupuncture, massage, joining a chorus and singing with others, hospice therapy and a spousal loss group through hospice. All helped, especially the group because, again, unless you have are going through profound grief you cannot understand.
I now say that grief is the psyche's inability to accept what has happened. When it starts to be able to, things start to get better.
I lost my beloved husband of 42 years just over 3 years ago. I started to feel a new "normal" at about 2 years and 3 months out. I was proactive and did everything I could to help myself with the physical symptoms (my heart hurt so badly that I thought I was having a heart attack) of grief and the longing (I didn't understood that word before), including acupuncture, massage, joining a chorus and singing with others, hospice therapy and a spousal loss group through hospice. All helped, especially the group because, again, unless you have are going through profound grief you cannot understand.
I now say that grief is the psyche's inability to accept what has happened. When it starts to be able to, things start to get better.
11
Diane- every single one of us loses a loved one or loved ones sometime in our adult lives, no exception, even therapists and researchers, something to keep in mind.. no one is immune, but some of us wake up to the fact , death happens to all, a natural part of life, so listening to the death "fear mongers" compounds things , along with developing unhealthy attachments. Being attached and fear of death/life, when realized how silly it is , changes one profoundly and deeply.
1
The Beatitudes remind us that those who mourn are "blessed" - but that is hard to believe when you are assailed by grief. Reading the comments of the grieving reminds me of the suffering of Job - it makes no sense, except to hope that one may become more compassionate, less judgmental, and more appreciative of life and love.
9
Well, it's not "complicated grief." It's grief.
Just because people these days are uncomfortable with friends or family who can't "move on" after the socially-prescribed number of days or weeks does not turn grief into a pathology.
We like our deathless love to be at a safe remove, in books or movies we can sob over in our vicarious sympathy for the bereaved, but when Uncle Jim's life has an unfillable hole because Aunt Mary died, we wonder why he can't just find a nice new friend at the senior center.
The person who can't get out of bed for six months following the death of a loved one does need intervention. But the person whose agony is a constant companion now, though they move through their days simulating the lives of others, is not ill. We have so little capacity to understand the depth of connection some people form with others that we think there's something wrong with it...
Just because people these days are uncomfortable with friends or family who can't "move on" after the socially-prescribed number of days or weeks does not turn grief into a pathology.
We like our deathless love to be at a safe remove, in books or movies we can sob over in our vicarious sympathy for the bereaved, but when Uncle Jim's life has an unfillable hole because Aunt Mary died, we wonder why he can't just find a nice new friend at the senior center.
The person who can't get out of bed for six months following the death of a loved one does need intervention. But the person whose agony is a constant companion now, though they move through their days simulating the lives of others, is not ill. We have so little capacity to understand the depth of connection some people form with others that we think there's something wrong with it...
26
I so agree!!!
i agree with you...so much!
My first reaction: Give us a break! Stop "normalizing" human experience--it's a wide spectrum.
Second reaction: This is just a tad too Brave New World-ish.
Third reaction: Prolonged suffering seems pointless, glad there is help.
Second reaction: This is just a tad too Brave New World-ish.
Third reaction: Prolonged suffering seems pointless, glad there is help.
2
THE BOOMERS are starting to see changes in the way that seniors are understood and viewed. Not so long ago, the belief was that seniors would not talk about depression. But now they do and receive treatment for it. At 67 I've had a very difficult transition to the beginning of old age. During the past 14 months, I've experienced more loss of family and friends than in any time during my entire life. Having been the eldest sibling of four, and having lost my two youngest siblings, I miss them dearly. But I honor their lives by carrying on with their work of caring for others. I am grateful for every day. Even when I'm having a lousy day, I still appreciate it, because my sister and brother have no more days and I do. Such facts help me to keep perspective. I have great love and support from family and friends. And my interest in studying, research and creating has, if anything, grown stronger. I have the luxury of being a sort of gentleman scholar, reading and writing extensively. Theorizing about new ideas and new inventions. My intellectual curiosity and love of learning are sources of constant delight. I am fortunate indeed, though I have struggled with sadness from recent losses.
15
The great mother of modern dance, Isadora Duncan, lost both of her very young children, Patrick and Deirdre, in a car accident. This passage from her biography, "My Life," is the most eloquent passage on grief I've ever read:
"This was the first faint note of the Prelude of the Tragedy which presently was to end all hopes of any natural, joyous life for me—for ever after. I believe that although one may seem to go on living, there are some sorrows that kill. One's body may drag along its weary way on earth, but one's spirit is crushed—for ever crushed. I have heard people speak of the ennobling influence of sorrow. I can only say that those last few days of my life, before the blow fell, were actually the last days of my spiritual life. Ever since then I have had only one desire—to fly—to fly—to fly from the Horror of it, and my life has been but a series of weird flights from it all, resembling the sad Wandering Jew, the Flying Dutchman; and all life has been to me but as a phantom ship upon a phantom ocean."
"This was the first faint note of the Prelude of the Tragedy which presently was to end all hopes of any natural, joyous life for me—for ever after. I believe that although one may seem to go on living, there are some sorrows that kill. One's body may drag along its weary way on earth, but one's spirit is crushed—for ever crushed. I have heard people speak of the ennobling influence of sorrow. I can only say that those last few days of my life, before the blow fell, were actually the last days of my spiritual life. Ever since then I have had only one desire—to fly—to fly—to fly from the Horror of it, and my life has been but a series of weird flights from it all, resembling the sad Wandering Jew, the Flying Dutchman; and all life has been to me but as a phantom ship upon a phantom ocean."
28
Oh my goodness! A perfect description!!
1
Ms. Duncan's autobiography is a wonderful, memorable book. Her life was amazing, and- while not a writer, per se- her style is very enjoyable. She was a remarkable woman, a hundred years ahead of her time.
1
I can imagine feeling this way--if you lose the love of your life, and if also, your life wasn't so great before that, then you'd feel that you'd lost everything. I'm glad to have this article. http://www.thecriticalmom.blogspot.com
5
Last week, my wife and I experienced two problems in our house on the same night and virtually at the same time. One was a sudden break in a water pipe that started spraying water all over our basement.
The other was a chirping sound – the kind given off by electronic gadgets when their batteries run low.
The first problem was resolved fairly quickly, but only after I located the cut-off valve to the central water pipe in our house, which was not a given, since I had completely forgotten where it was.
The chirping sound was harder. My wife and I looked high and low for its source for nearly four hours, starting in the basement and ending in the attic. Finally, just as I was thinking about the possibility of
moving into a hotel for the night, the chirping sound was located among a pile of old books and papers. Its source was an old cell phone we had forgotten we ever had.
My wife and I were both extremely tired and immediately fell into bed. But I did not go to sleep before thanking my very good mother – now gone for almost 20 years – for helping me turn off the water and find the phone. When you have had wonderful parents like I did, you get in the habit of looking to them for spiritual support with all manner of things, even years after they are gone. Severe grief might be lessened if more people could learn to appreciate that the people who loved
us and whom we loved are still with us.
The other was a chirping sound – the kind given off by electronic gadgets when their batteries run low.
The first problem was resolved fairly quickly, but only after I located the cut-off valve to the central water pipe in our house, which was not a given, since I had completely forgotten where it was.
The chirping sound was harder. My wife and I looked high and low for its source for nearly four hours, starting in the basement and ending in the attic. Finally, just as I was thinking about the possibility of
moving into a hotel for the night, the chirping sound was located among a pile of old books and papers. Its source was an old cell phone we had forgotten we ever had.
My wife and I were both extremely tired and immediately fell into bed. But I did not go to sleep before thanking my very good mother – now gone for almost 20 years – for helping me turn off the water and find the phone. When you have had wonderful parents like I did, you get in the habit of looking to them for spiritual support with all manner of things, even years after they are gone. Severe grief might be lessened if more people could learn to appreciate that the people who loved
us and whom we loved are still with us.
19
Make that "who we loved" in the last sentence.
Yes, yes indeed.
My father died of cancer back in 2009, at age 81. He had always been so strong and supportive of his family, that I couldn't allow myself to believe that he was about to die. Up until the day before his death, I held out hoping that his doctors at a top hospital in New York could somehow prolong his life. (In fact, his family had him sent by ambulance from a suburban hospital near his home to New York with this in mind. He died the next day.) The day he died was the worst day of my 44 years on earth, and I've had quite a few unpleasant experiences.
Once I started to grieve, I didn't try to hold any of it back. I wrote a couple of letters to him. I went for walks in parks and allowed myself to cry. It was intensely painful, but it was an honest experience. I never tried to convince myself that I would get over it or things would get better. In fact, things did get better, very slowly. It took several years. Even now, when I read about some event in 2009, I immediately make the connection with the year of my father's death. I still miss him a lot. Every now and then, I'll dream about him. But I'm getting through it, 6 years later. I never had therapy for this loss or attended a bereavement group. Maybe that would have been helpful. But somehow I managed to find within myself the desire to live. I know that life is short and the world has a lot to offer, so I want to make the most of my remaining time on earth.
Once I started to grieve, I didn't try to hold any of it back. I wrote a couple of letters to him. I went for walks in parks and allowed myself to cry. It was intensely painful, but it was an honest experience. I never tried to convince myself that I would get over it or things would get better. In fact, things did get better, very slowly. It took several years. Even now, when I read about some event in 2009, I immediately make the connection with the year of my father's death. I still miss him a lot. Every now and then, I'll dream about him. But I'm getting through it, 6 years later. I never had therapy for this loss or attended a bereavement group. Maybe that would have been helpful. But somehow I managed to find within myself the desire to live. I know that life is short and the world has a lot to offer, so I want to make the most of my remaining time on earth.
15
Seriously, please allow us our grief and grieving. And when is say us, I mean all of us, the whole planet smh.
16
The actor, Clifton Webb _ {1889 - 1966) - famous for his role (among others) in the Hollywood movie "Laura" --
"In 1892, his formidable mother, Mabelle (1869-1960), moved to New York with her beloved "little Webb," as she called him for the remainder of her life.
...Webb and Maybelle lived together until her death at age 91.
When Clifton's obsessive grieving for his mother continued on for well over a year, his close friend Noel Coward - keeping their lengthy friendship in mind - is said to have remarked with a bit of exasperation - "It must be difficult to be orphaned at seventy."
Webb never recovered from his mother's death.
He made one film, then spent the remainder of his life in ill health and seclusion."
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0916067/bio?ref_=nm_ov_bio_sm
"In 1892, his formidable mother, Mabelle (1869-1960), moved to New York with her beloved "little Webb," as she called him for the remainder of her life.
...Webb and Maybelle lived together until her death at age 91.
When Clifton's obsessive grieving for his mother continued on for well over a year, his close friend Noel Coward - keeping their lengthy friendship in mind - is said to have remarked with a bit of exasperation - "It must be difficult to be orphaned at seventy."
Webb never recovered from his mother's death.
He made one film, then spent the remainder of his life in ill health and seclusion."
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0916067/bio?ref_=nm_ov_bio_sm
12
I fell into the chasm of complicated grief after my second husband stopped loving me, suddenly and completely. I could not even assume the mantle of bereaved widow because he had not died.
I "did things right" in one way -- I set myself some hard challenges, changed locations geographically, made myself get out and do things, volunteered, found new interests and new friends. However, for years the darkness of pain and grief never left me, really, and I woke and ended every day in sadness. A big issue seemed to be that I could not truly accept it, could never believe he had really left me. I learned not to talk about it except to a very few close souls because most people are made anxious and disconcerted by this.
I learned we do not "get over" grief like this any more that we "get over" an amputation. What we *can* do is "get through" it. It takes a long time, and I had to decide to want to leave some of the pain behind. Since the pain was what still connected me to the missing person, I didn't want to let it go.
It is natural to love and to grieve when a loving relationship ends, and it is also natural to pick up the pieces and keep going, even when we don't want to. Getting stuck in a pit is not natural and I wish I had had some of this grief therapy at the time.
I "did things right" in one way -- I set myself some hard challenges, changed locations geographically, made myself get out and do things, volunteered, found new interests and new friends. However, for years the darkness of pain and grief never left me, really, and I woke and ended every day in sadness. A big issue seemed to be that I could not truly accept it, could never believe he had really left me. I learned not to talk about it except to a very few close souls because most people are made anxious and disconcerted by this.
I learned we do not "get over" grief like this any more that we "get over" an amputation. What we *can* do is "get through" it. It takes a long time, and I had to decide to want to leave some of the pain behind. Since the pain was what still connected me to the missing person, I didn't want to let it go.
It is natural to love and to grieve when a loving relationship ends, and it is also natural to pick up the pieces and keep going, even when we don't want to. Getting stuck in a pit is not natural and I wish I had had some of this grief therapy at the time.
32
(Cheryl) I have found that the key to moving on is when you can finally forgive the person that wronged you. Sometimes it can take a long time because you can't even believe they would do it to you. It makes you feel terribly inadequate and consequently, pain can go on for years. I've experienced this with friendships as well. Meditation helps to let the old thoughts pass through without clinging to them & with time they are replaced with healthy thoughts! Good Luck in your journey!
2
"Since the pain was what still connected me to the missing person, I didn't want to let it go."
Wise woman.
Sounds like you pushed your way "through." Good for you.
Wise woman.
Sounds like you pushed your way "through." Good for you.
3
When my father died from cancer 10 years ago, I never thought it would affect me like it did. Turned out that it was as if I'd been blindsided by a truck. I also am sole adult child primary caregiver for my mom, dad's widow. She presents this type of complicated grief described here. But stepping back and observing a larger view, I am also touched by a great mutual love that my parents shared through almost 60 years of marriage. And I say to myself that if I ever grieved like that someday, I would hope it would be because of an enduring relationship like theirs was that I was grieving. It took me just about exactly 5 years before the intense grief and sadness kind of faded, and didn't attach itself to what now are simply memories of my dad where I can look back and think of and see him in my mind's eye.
16
Thank you NYTimes for this article. In February of 2009 my sister died and I've been grieving ever since. It's a bit of a relief that other people experience this, but I'm beginning to think this going to be my new "normal". As she was my only sibling, the hole her death has opened is gaping and no matter what I try, I can't heal it over. When our parents died, that was different. You mostly expect to outlive your parents but my sister was supposed to be here with me, as she was not only my sister but my friend, my confidant, even my partner in "crime".
But that life is over now. I've become like Martha, the last passenger pigeon. I live in a cage of my own design; working, eating, sleeping, paying bills, otherwise, not really "living" but existing. In my head are memories of people and adventures and experiences that no longer exist. As my sister figured greatly in most of these memories we spent much time while she was alive talking about them. It's very hard to actually "live" in this world when the people you have loved all your life are no longer sharing it with you.
But that life is over now. I've become like Martha, the last passenger pigeon. I live in a cage of my own design; working, eating, sleeping, paying bills, otherwise, not really "living" but existing. In my head are memories of people and adventures and experiences that no longer exist. As my sister figured greatly in most of these memories we spent much time while she was alive talking about them. It's very hard to actually "live" in this world when the people you have loved all your life are no longer sharing it with you.
42
So sorry for your loss. She wouldn't want you to be living like this. I have complicated relationships with sisters and have a few relationships with girlfriends who are sisters from another mother! I lost a sister to leukemia when she was 18 and I was 31, it did take a long time to get over the sadness, especially because she suffered a lot. Honor your sister and move on!
3
I lost my other self my beloved twin sister and i feel the same way......its been real hard and few understand the depth of years of despair. I have learned to say 'you cant help me now' when i realize in pain i am alone. Then i may hold my hands together and live in the fake world thinking its her with me lovingly saying "let me hold you because i can help you as always"
Pain forever. It gets better than the sheer coma state i was in for the five years ..but the pain is still here.
Pain forever. It gets better than the sheer coma state i was in for the five years ..but the pain is still here.
4
I lost my sweet baby sister to leukemia just a four months ago. She was my only sibling and had been my best friend from the moment she was born. We did everything together and now she's gone. She was as sweet as could be, funny with a laugh that made me weak, literally falling down weak, generous with her love, time and family. How exactly do you expect me to stop loving her, missing her, and wishing it had been me not her that died. I no longer even have a family, only the memories of her suffering because this disease ravaged her so yes, I'm going to be grieving for her for a long, long time and my grief is only just starting.
1
My son died of leukemia at the age of 17. It has been more than six years, but I can still hear in my mind the angry me asking him "How could you die?" How could a young, lively, lovely, smart boy just suddenly go away like that? It changed the space in my apartment. I still can't understand the space even now. The feelings of confusion and anguish don't go away.
54
When we suffer the loss of a loved one, it takes something away from us forever and leaves us with a hole. Over time that hole can get bigger but never shrink but you can always fill it will more love and compassion. Some of us call ourselves survivors, others use the word enduring, as we continue our journey, and at a relatively young age. That at times I prefer the concept of never becoming too close, or attached to anyone else again, because it is too painful. To be around loved ones that remind you of the deceased is like living the death all over again and the hole grows bigger. You also start to blame and think of what you could have done which in most cases is not very much. It does not mean that one's life is over, and some of us even learn to love our grief. But I think it is good to grief so you can learn to love them and keep their spirit alive and you can move on.
6
My mother died suddenly and shockingly when I was 21; she was in another country and I was on a plane at the moment of her death. It's been 37 years and I still grieve. It's not complicated grief, it's complex and profound grief. I think people who put time limits - or labels - on grieving are not capable of the deep feelings that (it appears) only a minority of people have. Of course I have moved on and I've lived a rich life that I wouldn't change for anyone else's, but that person is gone forever. I hope the people who are paralyzed with grief get help from capable therapists who can empathize; if the counselor does not empathize, find one who does, and pace yourself.
"He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong." W.H. Auden
"He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong." W.H. Auden
26
After experiencing three deaths in my immediate family over ten years, I have come to the sense that it is not so much the living who "move on." The departed move on, like boats that have been untied from a dock, drifting slowly away. Some may stay nearby for a time, in our thoughts, in the physical reminders of their lives. But our sadness comes from knowing we can never bridge the gap that separates us and grows wider.
37
THEY say that “time assuages”,—
Time never did assuage;
An actual suffering strengthens,
As sinews do, with age.
Time is a test of trouble,
But not a remedy.
If such it prove, it prove too
There was no malady.
-- Emily Dickinson
Time never did assuage;
An actual suffering strengthens,
As sinews do, with age.
Time is a test of trouble,
But not a remedy.
If such it prove, it prove too
There was no malady.
-- Emily Dickinson
21
My mother died, aged almost 90, five years ago. My father has not recovered. He says that when he thinks of their time together - their travels, the longevity of their marriage, their children - his sense of loss feels even stronger. When he thinks of her death - she died holding his hand - he worries that she might not have known he was there. He is 95 now and I think he is just waiting to die. Everyone who knows and loves him is at a loss to know how to help.
16
I told my former therapist that I was still dealing with my mother's death, when it had been a little over 2 years since she had died. She told me that was "too long" and "2 years" is the limit. I later told my doctor, who had recommended this therapist, that I was no longer going to the therapist and as an example, related this story. My doctor agreed that "over 2 years IS too long." I replied that if that was the case, then maybe it was the therapist's JOB to help me to resolve my feelings, if they were not "normal." Luckily my friends and relatives have more kindness, wisdom and experience than these "professionals," who must be reading the same research data.
22
Your comment is of a common type I have experienced with many therapists, and your response to your doctor was excellent. I have seen a lot of terrible things perpetrated by therapists, and one big one is what you've described. I call it a real lack of compassion. So what if your period of grieving lasts beyond 2 years, or even beyond 3 or 4??? So many therapists put us all in one big box, thinking we are all the same. The FIRST thing the therapist should have conveyed to you is his/her compassion for what you have gone through. Yet so many are afraid to lift their 'guard'. Others get into the field because they crave being around emotions; often because that is what they lack. They thrive on their patients' emotional displays. But when they don't know what to do, they give you "rational" explanations, such as two years and you're up. The only decent thing that a patient can then do is argue rationally with the therapist. Yet that once again leaves the grieving patient without getting her needs for compassion and emotional support met. I feel for what you went through.
2
Get new therapist and a new doctor. There is not a time frame for grief and if your therapist really made that comment they have no competence to be treating people in grief. It frustrate me so how many lousy therapist there are in this country and whatbdamage they do .. 40 yrs a PHD therapist.
3
Acupuncture (Five-element practice) helped me tremendously, after I suffered with pneumonia and debilitating fatigue. The lungs are the organs of grief, and i had lost so much more than my husband at his unexpected and traumatic death. I was fired for leaving to go to him (he was out of the country), ran into prolonged legal wrangling over his medical directives, resulting in the severing of relationships with friends and family, blew through two life savings living in a foreign country and paying for lawyers and multiple moves once i returned to the States.
Still unemployed (ageism is alive and well here!) and in a city without friends or family, I feel lucky beyond luck that i found a team of naturopaths and an acupuncturist who listened to me. I think it makes a world of difference to be able to talk about the deceased with someone who knew them -- I never understood the need for funerals, memorials, wakes, but now that I have no-one to reminisce with, I appreciate the need for sharing memories.
Still unemployed (ageism is alive and well here!) and in a city without friends or family, I feel lucky beyond luck that i found a team of naturopaths and an acupuncturist who listened to me. I think it makes a world of difference to be able to talk about the deceased with someone who knew them -- I never understood the need for funerals, memorials, wakes, but now that I have no-one to reminisce with, I appreciate the need for sharing memories.
9
eoregon:
"Acupuncture (Five-element practice) helped me tremendously, after I suffered with pneumonia and debilitating fatigue... I feel lucky beyond luck that i found a team of naturopaths and an acupuncturist who listened to me. I think it makes a world of difference to be able to talk about the deceased with someone who knew them."
You have my deepest sympathy for the traumatic loss of your husband, but I can't help wondering whether it was the the sympathetic listening that helped you, rather than the naturopathy and acupuncture. IANAD ("I am not a doctor"), but "the lungs are the organs of grief" sounds like a fanciful, or perhaps merely facile, etiology for pneumonia. And the debilitating fatigue could easily have been a symptom of depression brought on by your bereavement and the social isolation that followed.
Of course, if you're feeling better, questions about your presumed remedy may be moot. It may well be, however, that results like yours with so-called "complementary and alternative medicine" (CAM) can be largely if not entirely attributed to the greater attention and sympathy a CAM practitioner can provide, and at lower cost, compared to an MD under increasing financial pressure to see more patients in less time.
"Acupuncture (Five-element practice) helped me tremendously, after I suffered with pneumonia and debilitating fatigue... I feel lucky beyond luck that i found a team of naturopaths and an acupuncturist who listened to me. I think it makes a world of difference to be able to talk about the deceased with someone who knew them."
You have my deepest sympathy for the traumatic loss of your husband, but I can't help wondering whether it was the the sympathetic listening that helped you, rather than the naturopathy and acupuncture. IANAD ("I am not a doctor"), but "the lungs are the organs of grief" sounds like a fanciful, or perhaps merely facile, etiology for pneumonia. And the debilitating fatigue could easily have been a symptom of depression brought on by your bereavement and the social isolation that followed.
Of course, if you're feeling better, questions about your presumed remedy may be moot. It may well be, however, that results like yours with so-called "complementary and alternative medicine" (CAM) can be largely if not entirely attributed to the greater attention and sympathy a CAM practitioner can provide, and at lower cost, compared to an MD under increasing financial pressure to see more patients in less time.
It is very hard to draw a line in these cases. What is the difference between a normal variant and an illness? There's no simple way to distinguish them and there'll always be people put into the wrong category. Unfortunately we do have to categorize people in order to get help. And sometimes those categories have their own adverse impacts. I think that anyone who asks for help should receive it .
2
My parents were Holocaust Survivors, and both had endured Concentration Camps. I am sure my mother had PTSD, among other issues. She was the sole Survivor of her immediate family - 2 parents and 3 other siblings. I tried to have her get treatment for depression, but she refused, saying (in Yiddish) that was for " completely crazy people". Most times she couldn't stop grieving about her losses. At my own wedding, she looked like she was at a funeral. Later, when I asked her why, she said because no one from her immediate family could be there.
I am happy to read about the therapy described here; grief affects different people in many different ways. My whole life I have explained to people that not all Holocaust Survivors are emotionally the same. Some cherish to be alive; others are perpetually in mourning. This therapy can not only treat others in perpetual grieving, but by its development acknowledges that there are those who do suffer this affliction in great numbers.
I am happy to read about the therapy described here; grief affects different people in many different ways. My whole life I have explained to people that not all Holocaust Survivors are emotionally the same. Some cherish to be alive; others are perpetually in mourning. This therapy can not only treat others in perpetual grieving, but by its development acknowledges that there are those who do suffer this affliction in great numbers.
59
I have faced life threatening illnesses twice. Here is the thing I most want to say: I can see that whatever I may go through is NOTHING with what would happen to my loved ones if I died.
....and that is what most torments me.
For anyone grieving, please know one thing for sure: what your loved on MOST wants for you is to rediscover the joy of life. They don't want nor do they need your grief to know they were loved. The not only know it, but they loved you back. Feel your feelings as you must, and grieve for what could have been..... But if that brass ring called joy comes your way, grab it, grab it with both hands, and hold on until you can't hold any more. Trust me. Nothing would make them happier.....
....and that is what most torments me.
For anyone grieving, please know one thing for sure: what your loved on MOST wants for you is to rediscover the joy of life. They don't want nor do they need your grief to know they were loved. The not only know it, but they loved you back. Feel your feelings as you must, and grieve for what could have been..... But if that brass ring called joy comes your way, grab it, grab it with both hands, and hold on until you can't hold any more. Trust me. Nothing would make them happier.....
61
I deeply thank you for this.
2
Melancholia: mourning that will never go away.
5
"complicated grief therapy — which focuses specifically on bereavement symptoms, and incorporates memories, photographs and recordings"
I wish the article had told us more about the therapy. "Focuses" and "incorporates" how?
I wish the article had told us more about the therapy. "Focuses" and "incorporates" how?
4
What rituals of grieving does our society provide? (Three days paid leave for a first degree relative doesn't cut it.) How do we all support one another during the crisis that death presents? How do other societies approach grief and which promote healing the best?
We don't have much to offer. We approach it as an individual problem (as we do everything else) and, even in these comments, tell others to "get over it" as if a button could be pushed. "Getting over it" is hardly helpful advice. What it says is, "You are making me uncomfortable. Pretend for me."
Let's find better ways. The death of a family members was a familiar event for people before the development of antibiotics and other medical advances made infectious diseases curable. The Victorians wore arm bands to signal their loss to others. They wore black and then progressively lighter colors (grey, lavender) to signal the passing stages of recovery. We moved death, grief and funerals out of the home. We sanitized it. In the process, we lost rituals that allowed mourning to be public and acceptable.
Please, do not tell anyone to "get over it", "get on with living" or decide that our relative or neighbor's grief is so great we don't want to be around it. Be present for them. Listen, reminisce, or silently support the grieving for one day it will be your turn. Compassion, empathy, helping by your acceptance to normalize the grieving process is what is needed. Be there.
We don't have much to offer. We approach it as an individual problem (as we do everything else) and, even in these comments, tell others to "get over it" as if a button could be pushed. "Getting over it" is hardly helpful advice. What it says is, "You are making me uncomfortable. Pretend for me."
Let's find better ways. The death of a family members was a familiar event for people before the development of antibiotics and other medical advances made infectious diseases curable. The Victorians wore arm bands to signal their loss to others. They wore black and then progressively lighter colors (grey, lavender) to signal the passing stages of recovery. We moved death, grief and funerals out of the home. We sanitized it. In the process, we lost rituals that allowed mourning to be public and acceptable.
Please, do not tell anyone to "get over it", "get on with living" or decide that our relative or neighbor's grief is so great we don't want to be around it. Be present for them. Listen, reminisce, or silently support the grieving for one day it will be your turn. Compassion, empathy, helping by your acceptance to normalize the grieving process is what is needed. Be there.
16
nora, you are so spot on. I lost my son in a violent manner and it took me about six years to get over it. everyone is different and experiences grief differently. me, I just wanted to die. however, I couldn't because I had other children who needed me and this in turn depressed me even more. I couldn't find any peace. my sister told me that I needed to be in another phase by now and it was taking me too long to recover. I sent her packing. sometimes people need to just shut the hell up and just be there for the person.
There is the suffering that is the unavoidable pain of losing a loved one, and there is suffering that comes from being stuck in the acute phase of grief. Complicated Grief Treatment aims to alleviate the latter. I have seen many people, desperate and determined to get relief from that pain, participate in this treatment, and as a result, find peace within themselves, and even discover new meaning and joy in their lives. Losing someone with whom you are very close is one of the most challenging life experiences there is; the suffering that comes from complicated grief makes this challenge overwhelming and nearly unbearable. Complicated Grief Treatment offers hope and relief to people who have been unable to find a way to live their lives after experiencing a tragic loss.
Bonnie J. Gorscak, PhD, Senior Supervisor and CGT Therapist, The Center for Complicated Grief
Bonnie J. Gorscak, PhD, Senior Supervisor and CGT Therapist, The Center for Complicated Grief
9
This article is completed by reading the comments. Solutions to grief are plentiful and nearly all encompassing. Death and its following grief both have niches of their own. Both demand patience and understanding. Death and reactions to it are unavoidable: give them appropriate space.
9
Very well said. Thank you!
One of the fine points in this article is that we are not alone when we grieve.
I wonder if the complicated grief program gives cues for anniversary grieving. Those times can be especially difficult I think. I lost the best friend I could ever imagine two years ago and feel worse about it as the days go on instead of "getting over" it. I'm not wallowing or unable to function or anything like that, but fact is - I miss her more and more, but especially at holidays, her birthday, etc, times like that. During those times that void is sometimes overwhelming.
Also, I wonder if doing things that would pay tribute to the lost person's finest characteristics in our daily lives would help. For example, she fought cancer for two years of chemo (even though she already was a two time breast cancer survivor from decades previously). But, even so, she would save food, take it out of her refrigerator when she left her NYC apt, and hand it to the homeless guy who hung out near her street. Believe it or not, she was still doing this one week before she died. She worked in community outreach in her nursing career and still served voluntarily even when she was being treated - never complaining.
So in our grief then, would it be helpful if say we served the homeless, or the elderly, or did something that was dear to that person that would pay tribute to the life they led? Wondering if studies show that is helpful...seems like it would be. Sort of like paying it forward?
I wonder if the complicated grief program gives cues for anniversary grieving. Those times can be especially difficult I think. I lost the best friend I could ever imagine two years ago and feel worse about it as the days go on instead of "getting over" it. I'm not wallowing or unable to function or anything like that, but fact is - I miss her more and more, but especially at holidays, her birthday, etc, times like that. During those times that void is sometimes overwhelming.
Also, I wonder if doing things that would pay tribute to the lost person's finest characteristics in our daily lives would help. For example, she fought cancer for two years of chemo (even though she already was a two time breast cancer survivor from decades previously). But, even so, she would save food, take it out of her refrigerator when she left her NYC apt, and hand it to the homeless guy who hung out near her street. Believe it or not, she was still doing this one week before she died. She worked in community outreach in her nursing career and still served voluntarily even when she was being treated - never complaining.
So in our grief then, would it be helpful if say we served the homeless, or the elderly, or did something that was dear to that person that would pay tribute to the life they led? Wondering if studies show that is helpful...seems like it would be. Sort of like paying it forward?
8
“Does psychiatry need to continually label the range of normal human emotions as disorders?” Jerome C. Wakefield, a professor of social work and psychiatry at New York University, said in an interview. This is a good question. When is grief depression? When is a religious vision crazy?
When you are a hammer every problems looks like a nail. I think disorder defines a condition that is disabling. My close friend had to have a leg amputated. It was definitely a disorder that needed a lot of intervention and time to fix. It hurt a lot and it took a long time before she learned to walk and return to a new normal life. She's fine now, but she never could grow a new leg. Losing my husband felt like that. The wound has healed and I move on into my new life, but he is still gone and I will always miss him. I wouldn't want to "get over" his loss, but one does need to keep living in the present.
When you are a hammer every problems looks like a nail. I think disorder defines a condition that is disabling. My close friend had to have a leg amputated. It was definitely a disorder that needed a lot of intervention and time to fix. It hurt a lot and it took a long time before she learned to walk and return to a new normal life. She's fine now, but she never could grow a new leg. Losing my husband felt like that. The wound has healed and I move on into my new life, but he is still gone and I will always miss him. I wouldn't want to "get over" his loss, but one does need to keep living in the present.
6
why?
No worry. Researchers will soon announce that a new pill is on the way to help with the issues of the new diagnosis (but not cure it safely, effectively and at a affordable price.
But here are a few simple rules to deal with the fact that we are born, we live and then we die:
Laugh at all the good times.
Cry for all the bad times.
Smoke dope (the natural non-pill), smile and wait.
Wait for what you ask?
Nothing in particular and nothing specific.
By waiting, something will happen and you can move on with your life.
Or you can try to join ISIS, kill a few people at the Post Office, or in a movie theater, college, fast food store, or help build a 100 foot high electric fence around America and a smaller one around your home and get the 15 minutes of fame promised by Andy Warhol.
Or join the Bernie campaign to regain sanity in this Nation.
What is not recommended is prayer. That is delusional, insane and creates and continues the state of being in denial. What is recommended is to take a few coins and small bills when you go anywhere and indiscriminately give them to the first few strangers you meet. When you do so, ask them to do the same for others. Let them wonder!
It will do you and them a lot of good.
Or you can wait for the promised new pill!
But here are a few simple rules to deal with the fact that we are born, we live and then we die:
Laugh at all the good times.
Cry for all the bad times.
Smoke dope (the natural non-pill), smile and wait.
Wait for what you ask?
Nothing in particular and nothing specific.
By waiting, something will happen and you can move on with your life.
Or you can try to join ISIS, kill a few people at the Post Office, or in a movie theater, college, fast food store, or help build a 100 foot high electric fence around America and a smaller one around your home and get the 15 minutes of fame promised by Andy Warhol.
Or join the Bernie campaign to regain sanity in this Nation.
What is not recommended is prayer. That is delusional, insane and creates and continues the state of being in denial. What is recommended is to take a few coins and small bills when you go anywhere and indiscriminately give them to the first few strangers you meet. When you do so, ask them to do the same for others. Let them wonder!
It will do you and them a lot of good.
Or you can wait for the promised new pill!
4
I cAn't believe how cavalier readers are. If you haven't suffered, you are very lucky. It shouldn't stop you from feeling some compassion for those who di.
13
If I am so lucky to have found the person I can love and laugh and learn with and stand to be with many hours a day everyday, then why would losing them make me be ok. If they're unique and they completely blow your mind and astonish you constantly, why wouldn't you have a giant hole in your heart when they departed? There's loss and then there's deep life shattering loss which is experienced by deep people who are deeply in love. I'll accept it being called "complicated grief" but I wish there was a better word for the grief that sometimes very compassionate and soulful people feel. I find that very easy to understand. I'm glad this is being talked about
3
Thanks, ed. There is much truth, wisdom, and lived experience in what you write, as well as a touch of wit and humor -- and oh do we need that. I benefited from reading your comment.
I understand and agree with the many comments that grief--even deep and long-lasting grief--can be a normal reaction to losing someone close to you. But a close friend of mine experienced what was diagnosed as "complicated grief" after the death of her older sister, who was only 37, from a very aggressive breast cancer. Several years after her sister's death, my friend would often sit in her apartment all day, because she felt if she stayed, her sister would somehow "see her," but if she left, she wouldn't. THAT'S the difference (or one example of it, anyway) between normal grieving, and a process that's gone wrong.
15
The article didn't seem to identify if there are some personality types that may be more likely to have long-term grief than others. One woman I know lost her husband to a massive heart attack. He had had one, and then had hidden the signs of worsening health from her, so she was very unprepared for his almost instant death. On top of that shock, she has a personality that exaggerates every aspect of her own life into monumental proportions. We joke that she can make having a hangnail into high drama. This combination of shock and self-dramatization has led to a 12-year grieving, with constant references to how she only wants to die to join her dear husband. (And her drinking and smoking aren't helping her health and probably contribute to her depression.)
5
My nephew lost his wife 6 months ago and is still grieving with an intensity that seems it will just go on and on. I'm afraid I didn't have too much to offer than a Buddhist saying that all the joy there is in the world comes from wishing for the happiness of others; all the misery from wishing for one's own happiness. On a day to day level, I've never practiced better advice.
6
Six months doesn't seem so long to me from my experience, and neither does twelve--the idea that I should have had "closure" a year after my first husband died--ie that' s the rule. Is someone had told me I should just wish for the happiness of others, that would have been the end of that relationship. And yes, I did move on. And four years seems way too long to me, but who knows?
3
6 months is not very long! Sheesh. Unless you've been through what he's going through please don't judge him (and even then don't do it). A major loss can easily take several years to process and work through. You can't "fix it" for him but please just be patient and allow him to go through his process.
9
I agree with others who responded that you cannot expect someone to "get over it" in six months. It's way too little time.
I also think your Buddhist saying is something you should keep to yourself. It is grossly insensitive.
I also think your Buddhist saying is something you should keep to yourself. It is grossly insensitive.
7
I have not been able to move on in my life ...but the one big difference is ...my grief is from my divorce I did not want....been in limbo 20 years now ...I have been told that it's even harder because my partner is still walking around.. And I live the loss almost daily..I have knowing this women most of my life ..well 46 years now and am 63... Raised 3 kids ...seeing her will spark off dream's of our life together.....
20
Oh for Pete's sake.
Must we pathologize EVERYTHING? You'd rather look out the window and daydream, you have ADHD. You learn by doing instead of listening? Learning disability. Things not going your way? Depression. Anxiety. PMDD....and so on.
Now look. I love psychotherapy and find it beneficial but I have finally figured out why: telling you problems to another person is the very opposite of loneliness. In fact, I am reminded of a recent article that talked about how drug addiction was a response to loneliness and disconnection. Even in this paper, there is an article about the ISIS phenomenon and again, there was that word, disconnection.
Why do any of us suffer deep grief? One---change is difficult. Two--we have empathy for the departed. Three--we cannot imagine alternatives to living with the person that are worthwhile. Fourth--we mourn the what could have been and Fifth--moving on means forgetting and forgetting means not mattering.
It is really that simple.
How do we fix this for people? CONNECTIONS. Grief groups. Staying busy. Therapy. Arts. Sunshine. Vitamins. Walking. Time.
....and yes, sometimes just time.
However, the fact that it takes some of us longer doesn't make us "defective". Copying with grief guidelines is ridiculous. Those of us who grieve longer are simply more sensitive, deep feeling and invested in what we loss. We will be done grieving when we are done grieving and not one moment more.
Want to help? Come over and make us go to the park.
Must we pathologize EVERYTHING? You'd rather look out the window and daydream, you have ADHD. You learn by doing instead of listening? Learning disability. Things not going your way? Depression. Anxiety. PMDD....and so on.
Now look. I love psychotherapy and find it beneficial but I have finally figured out why: telling you problems to another person is the very opposite of loneliness. In fact, I am reminded of a recent article that talked about how drug addiction was a response to loneliness and disconnection. Even in this paper, there is an article about the ISIS phenomenon and again, there was that word, disconnection.
Why do any of us suffer deep grief? One---change is difficult. Two--we have empathy for the departed. Three--we cannot imagine alternatives to living with the person that are worthwhile. Fourth--we mourn the what could have been and Fifth--moving on means forgetting and forgetting means not mattering.
It is really that simple.
How do we fix this for people? CONNECTIONS. Grief groups. Staying busy. Therapy. Arts. Sunshine. Vitamins. Walking. Time.
....and yes, sometimes just time.
However, the fact that it takes some of us longer doesn't make us "defective". Copying with grief guidelines is ridiculous. Those of us who grieve longer are simply more sensitive, deep feeling and invested in what we loss. We will be done grieving when we are done grieving and not one moment more.
Want to help? Come over and make us go to the park.
29
Correct--but I disagree. There are many human conditions which are pathologic only in degree. When is blood pressure "high"? You can argue about the cutoff--but a blood pressure of 250/130 is clearly harmful. At what temperature does water become "hot"? Again, no consensus: but I bet you have taken a hot shower, and known it without question.
You might quibble with the cutoff of six months for complicated grief: but do you really think someone who can't answer the phone for 4 years just has normal extended grief? Perhaps they might benefit from health. And it has nothing to do with being "defective" (unless you think having a health problem, mental or otherwise, that makes you suffer is being "defective"). It has to do with naming an appropriate circumstance in which help should be offered.
You might quibble with the cutoff of six months for complicated grief: but do you really think someone who can't answer the phone for 4 years just has normal extended grief? Perhaps they might benefit from health. And it has nothing to do with being "defective" (unless you think having a health problem, mental or otherwise, that makes you suffer is being "defective"). It has to do with naming an appropriate circumstance in which help should be offered.
13
I am quite sick and tired of articles like this that pathologize normal human emotions and feelings. I lost my husband from an aggressive cancer. He died within one month of diagnosis at the age of 51. At the time of his death, I had been with him over half of my life: we were married close to 22 years, and spent an additional three years together. It is not something that you just "get over". His death forever changed life for me and my son. It's been seven years. I am currently in a serious relationship with another man, however, not a day goes by that I don't think about my husband. I don't find this strange or unusual. What I would find strange or unusual is if I simply forgot.
51
You have missed the point. By your own description, you have separated yourself from those described in the article as suffering from "complicated grief". You have continued with your life. You are in a relationship. You are functioning. You think to withdraw from life for a decade is "normal"?
When my husband died at 90 I was shocked and bereaved, but eventually I accepted it. I bonded with my bereavement group and we go on together on social occasions of love and enjoyment. But three years after my son died of cancer I mourn every day. I don't know how to go on as I get older and he never does.
40
Could be there is transmigration and he's several years into his next life. That's what helped me when I watched my father did.
It doesn't take a long term relationship to produce grief when one loses a loved one. Rare is the mother who does not have a thought now and then over a miscarriage of a baby or worse a stillborn brought full term. The wonder at the possibilities never brought to fruition can come forth at any time especially when one looks at children born afterwards. The "first born" can be thought of as the second child sometimes in their minds. That we can have contemplate trying again after such a disappointment is a sign of normalcy returned though there really isn't a normal. A child is missing.
19
I'm very fortunate in that the overwhelming grief that I continue to experience is due to the loss of custody of my children who were 12 and 9 at the time. It's been 10 years, and although they are now considered to be adults and I have a very loving relationship with each of them, there is still a painful hole in my heart that has never healed. When I dream of them, they are still children. That they are here now, and love me, just isn't enough to get rid of that hole in my soul. I mourn for my children. My children who were still children when they were taken from me.
2
Sorry, the purpose of extended grief eludes me. A loved one would surely want you to form a new life.
1
David Henry:
You make the mistake of thinking that complicated grief is "logical," or must happen because it has a "purpose." Nothing could be farther from the truth. To someone experiencing such grief, it is all-encompassing, and something that happens whether one chooses it to or not.
To speak of the "purpose" of complicated grief is a little like talking about the purpose of the sky being blue. It simply is.
You make the mistake of thinking that complicated grief is "logical," or must happen because it has a "purpose." Nothing could be farther from the truth. To someone experiencing such grief, it is all-encompassing, and something that happens whether one chooses it to or not.
To speak of the "purpose" of complicated grief is a little like talking about the purpose of the sky being blue. It simply is.
1
Toe of Jane, alright...Tao of Jane....Your perspective is not very generous, is it.....your style of thought belongs to you...people here who are expressing their depth of grief are not expressing this for sympathy....it is the depth of loss that they experienced in their life....their experiences based on their attachment in their lives....You sound somewhat detached....OK, that is you....but you should not be so heavy handed on other people who do know what and to what degree they did experience the loss of a loved person who "resided" within the framework of their life....Not your life, but the life of the person who has experienced lingering grief...Search for your depth of compassion, and perhaps that compassion will flow in return to you when you have your own need.
2
Yes SS I do have problems with the use of "mental illness". I believe it is too imprecise to be helpful. No I am not skeptical of treatment. Talk therapy was of considerable benefit to me. I object to carving out selected symptoms for specialized treatment because it is an erroneous approach. It simplifies that which is being dealt with to a harmful degree. I realized decades ago that I would never achieve autonomy. For instance, I always preferred staying close to home to a degree that most people would consider abnormal. (I almost used quotes.) After many years of talk therapy, I realized it was because I wanted to be there when my father returned. It was embedded in me forever. This is how the brain works.
3
My wife died July 17, 2008. Since that day, I have intensely mourned her loss. Today, seven years later, I am active, engaged in everyday life, and work and play hard. But all this noted, I come up about 50% empty when approaching everything I do. Nothing, in fact, gets my very best effort. Why? She is not here, and I feel guilty--stupid, I know--for remaining alive when the best person I have ever known is lost to her loving family, her friends, and to the one who loved Deb second only to her mother. So, on I go, like Salinger, "in this world, but not of it." And I'm okay with that. No lectures, please. I really don't care.
14
Losing a spouse who is the love of your life and your soul-mate must be one of the most difficult situations for a person to endure during their lifetime.
7
Nothing is as sickening, as wrenching and as permanent as the death of a child, spouse, parent or sibling. There is no healing. There is only coping (ask any amputee).
People must cope, for their own survival, but no one should feel pressured to become "healed" or "happy."
People must cope, for their own survival, but no one should feel pressured to become "healed" or "happy."
3
A friend has taken to wearing skull tee shirts, tattooing her body with skulls and is slowly becoming macabre after the death of her husband of 30+ years. We are worried about her but she seems to have no sense of the oddness of her behavior. I am forwarding this article to her.
3
Our small family was no stranger to loss, grief and bereavement at relatively early ages / life stages. But nothing could have prepared any of us for the murder of our beautiful Andrea, age 25, on Sept. 11, 2001.
Daughter, sister, fiancé, granddaughter, niece (along with friend, co-worker, and simply amazing person) ... Andrea's unfathomable and unspeakably violent departure ... it was beyond any type of accessible grieving process we were previous acquainted with.
Some months later, we were first introduced to the term 'complicated grief,' and it instantly made sense. This loss was of such magnitude and shock, it had opened up an entirely new circle of Hell ... and grief of a completely different sort than anything that had preceded it. It needed a new (to us) label.
Nearly 14 years later, things are different but the same. No one can say how to handle or cope or live with these types of significant and life-altering events, or what will trigger 'complicated grief' in any individual.
I wish all the best as they confront and traverse difficult losses.
Daughter, sister, fiancé, granddaughter, niece (along with friend, co-worker, and simply amazing person) ... Andrea's unfathomable and unspeakably violent departure ... it was beyond any type of accessible grieving process we were previous acquainted with.
Some months later, we were first introduced to the term 'complicated grief,' and it instantly made sense. This loss was of such magnitude and shock, it had opened up an entirely new circle of Hell ... and grief of a completely different sort than anything that had preceded it. It needed a new (to us) label.
Nearly 14 years later, things are different but the same. No one can say how to handle or cope or live with these types of significant and life-altering events, or what will trigger 'complicated grief' in any individual.
I wish all the best as they confront and traverse difficult losses.
9
“Does psychiatry need to continually label the range of normal human emotions as disorders?” Jerome C. Wakefield,
Psychiatry doesn't have many definitive diagnoses like most physical illness do, even if the underlying problem is physical. Dr. Wakefield makes a good point. Grief is not a disorder, though it is still painful, whether it lasts for 2 months or 9 years. Many grieving people seek help, regardless of how long their grief lasts. They don't need a medical disorder to get that help. Obviously, someone who has persistent grief that lasts a long time might need different therapeutic interventions than what patients with "normal grief might get. Furthermore, besides duration, the amplitude or intensity of grief often requires different approaches. Someone with moderate grief doesn't need to be put on suicide watch.
Psychiatry doesn't have many definitive diagnoses like most physical illness do, even if the underlying problem is physical. Dr. Wakefield makes a good point. Grief is not a disorder, though it is still painful, whether it lasts for 2 months or 9 years. Many grieving people seek help, regardless of how long their grief lasts. They don't need a medical disorder to get that help. Obviously, someone who has persistent grief that lasts a long time might need different therapeutic interventions than what patients with "normal grief might get. Furthermore, besides duration, the amplitude or intensity of grief often requires different approaches. Someone with moderate grief doesn't need to be put on suicide watch.
3
I was fortunate enough to participate in Dr. Shear's complicated grief therapy when she offered it in Pittsburgh. For over 20 years, my grief following my husband's death made my life unlivable. I couldn't bear to be alone in the space he and I had shared, so I sold our house. Even though I managed to go to work (I had a child to raise), I spent most of my time crying on the couch. It was torture to live in the city he and I had shared, because every place we had gone together evoked my debilitating sorrow. Essentially, my life was suspended until I picked up a pamphlet at my doctor's office one day which told me about Dr. Shear's program. If I hadn't read it, I would still be crying and not being truly alive. I am so grateful.
7
My sister lost her husband 20 years ago. This was rough for her but the worst came when her 35 year old daughter was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer in 2006. A never-smoker she had a brain tumor the size of a tennis ball. Three months later her 36 year old son died. Her daughter struggled on for nearly 6 years. My sister gave up her job and took care of her daughter and her two beloved grandchildren. After her daughter died, her son-in-law moved from NJ to California. This year she has seen those children exactly two days and only one of them was having them with her in her home. In addition, her savings is depleted because of the many years she was not able to work. Now she is trying to work at jobs that don't pay terribly well. She's 65 years old and to her the future is terribly bleak. Her daughter was her best friend and it devastates her that she is unable to see and rarely talk to her grandchildren. I try to give her as much support as I can even though I live far away. Her grief is devastating. Her grandchildren were her life. How do you recover from such tragedy? She tried counseling for a while but that made it even more difficult. The pain of raking through all this was far too intense. I know that I don't think I could recover from such things. How can anyone define her pain as some kind of mental illness.
42
I lost my dear husband of 56 years in December 2012. I won't go into all the ordeals, roller coaster emotions, physical changes in my body, etc, etc. All i want to say is that i am beginning to enjoy being in the "driver's seat." It may still be, from time to time, a wild ride ahead, but I'm driving! I find myself loving it!
13
Some people don't cope well with loss.
My father-in-law died about 17 years ago.
For about 10 years my mother-in-law lived alone in her downtown, big city apartment (my wife and I would visit twice a year, staying for about a month each time). Her other children visited her regularly as well.
But she had a hard time taking care of herself, and finally her oldest daughter, after building a room especially for her mother and after years of trying, convinced her mother to move in with her in the suburbs.
But every day for the last seven years my mother-in-law has complained bitterly that no one loves her, and she spend each day praying for God to let her die and watching religious programming.
I can't complain about my mother-in-law; she has nothing been anything but nice to me.
But she is clearly a person who never learned how to live...except in the shadow of her husband like one of her husband's appendages. Now she's like an arm or a leg...that has no body...and that doesn't even want to be connected to anyone else.
My father-in-law died about 17 years ago.
For about 10 years my mother-in-law lived alone in her downtown, big city apartment (my wife and I would visit twice a year, staying for about a month each time). Her other children visited her regularly as well.
But she had a hard time taking care of herself, and finally her oldest daughter, after building a room especially for her mother and after years of trying, convinced her mother to move in with her in the suburbs.
But every day for the last seven years my mother-in-law has complained bitterly that no one loves her, and she spend each day praying for God to let her die and watching religious programming.
I can't complain about my mother-in-law; she has nothing been anything but nice to me.
But she is clearly a person who never learned how to live...except in the shadow of her husband like one of her husband's appendages. Now she's like an arm or a leg...that has no body...and that doesn't even want to be connected to anyone else.
4
I agree with everything Lisa Evers wrote. Sounds to me that the real 'problem' is the way folks live their lives (in relation to others)-- that is what is reflected in these 'cases of complicated grief'. Do we really need another label? Do we really need a time limit on grieving? If someone isn't functioning I think we are back to the mental health arena and most likely looking at that person's life before their loved one died you would see unhealthy habits and relationships.
'After her husband of 40 years died of cancer, “it was like I lost my life, too,” she said. THIS is co-dependence! So whose life were they living?? Theirs or their spouses? Buddhism says that suffering comes from clinging. We seem to like to cling here in the West, in the U.S.
I watched myself cling to "the way things WERE" after my dad past. I recognized one day that I was longing -- longing for IT, for now, for yesterday to be different. My mind ruminated about how I wanted it so much to have been different and to be different now. I shoulda, coulda, woulda. I worked on acceptance of the way things are now and it helped a lot.
The Tibetan Buddhist's say that meditating on ones own death is the most important meditation. I image most Westerners would think that morbid, bringing unnecessary pain into one's life. I believe it is realistic and healthy.
"I feel that life is empty without the person who died." Yep. Get brave enough to find out what empty is like. It's part of life.
'After her husband of 40 years died of cancer, “it was like I lost my life, too,” she said. THIS is co-dependence! So whose life were they living?? Theirs or their spouses? Buddhism says that suffering comes from clinging. We seem to like to cling here in the West, in the U.S.
I watched myself cling to "the way things WERE" after my dad past. I recognized one day that I was longing -- longing for IT, for now, for yesterday to be different. My mind ruminated about how I wanted it so much to have been different and to be different now. I shoulda, coulda, woulda. I worked on acceptance of the way things are now and it helped a lot.
The Tibetan Buddhist's say that meditating on ones own death is the most important meditation. I image most Westerners would think that morbid, bringing unnecessary pain into one's life. I believe it is realistic and healthy.
"I feel that life is empty without the person who died." Yep. Get brave enough to find out what empty is like. It's part of life.
40
Tao of Jane
'You sound angry' is what a therapist might say in reading what you share. In attempting to read the memoirs of a relative now past 100, I am having trouble remaining objective. She knows the circumstances of her sisters and their lives, but is unable to pick up their feelings. Both of them blocked her out, and it shows because I am sensing a slight note of gloating and of triumph in her tone because she felt overshadowed by them.
It is in their respective deaths at an elderly age, that she is able to finally become the strong one; the one to be admired of the three. 'The Art of Embracing Life and Nature', she calls it. and you might get along very well.
Meditating on one's death, according to the saying of Tibetan Buddhists is most important? Why not live one's life with contentment if one can, and seek help, if one can no longer function due to a severe loss that leaves a void and an invisible scar?
Ms. Schomaker gave a valiant attempt, after the death of her husband, to remain at ease with her friends, without turning into a 'Merry Widow'. She eventually found some relief to fill the absence of her loved one, and I wish only happy things for her, rain or shine, because not all of us are here on earth, to be courageous warriors and pragmatic beings.
Ms. Schomaker shows signs of a generous heart. and is someone that one would like to meet. Thank you, Paula Span, for introducing her, and others like her to us. It is a kindness on your part.
'You sound angry' is what a therapist might say in reading what you share. In attempting to read the memoirs of a relative now past 100, I am having trouble remaining objective. She knows the circumstances of her sisters and their lives, but is unable to pick up their feelings. Both of them blocked her out, and it shows because I am sensing a slight note of gloating and of triumph in her tone because she felt overshadowed by them.
It is in their respective deaths at an elderly age, that she is able to finally become the strong one; the one to be admired of the three. 'The Art of Embracing Life and Nature', she calls it. and you might get along very well.
Meditating on one's death, according to the saying of Tibetan Buddhists is most important? Why not live one's life with contentment if one can, and seek help, if one can no longer function due to a severe loss that leaves a void and an invisible scar?
Ms. Schomaker gave a valiant attempt, after the death of her husband, to remain at ease with her friends, without turning into a 'Merry Widow'. She eventually found some relief to fill the absence of her loved one, and I wish only happy things for her, rain or shine, because not all of us are here on earth, to be courageous warriors and pragmatic beings.
Ms. Schomaker shows signs of a generous heart. and is someone that one would like to meet. Thank you, Paula Span, for introducing her, and others like her to us. It is a kindness on your part.
1
This therapy exists because we don't all react the same, have "ideal" reactions when we lose someone, or have perfect relationships before we lose them. Perhaps it would be wiser to accept this rather than to pronounce others' reactions as inadequate.
4
You seem unkind with no compassion. You make it sound like you're the only ones who's ever practiced Buddhism or meditation or thought about death. I suggest you practice some love.
3
I lost my oldest brother in 2002 of a heart attack. My mother died 1 year later of Cancer. My husband died in 2006 from Cancer, my father 9 months later, then my younger brother died age 56 of Cancer in 2011. With the exception of my older brother, I took care of everyone and worked full time. The grief even now is horrible. I was told that my mind was protecting me by not allowing me memories. The day after my husband died I told our son that if it weren't for his presence I would swear his father was a figment of my imagination. I feel, that if I ever really let go, I'll never recover. I had physical illnesses as well, although those are much improved. I have been in therapy and it is interesting to me that this article mentions people that have had depression and anxiety in their life prior to their losses seem to struggle, and I have had depression and anxiety since I was 13 years old. I am currently being treated with anti-depressants, and they help. I still work, exercise when I can, I try to stay as busy as possible. But I can't begin to describe the overwhelming sense of loss. I was told by someone very wise that they promised it would get better, I live for that day. My best wishes to all who have suffered loss and still suffer themselves.
134
You suffered five major losses in nine years! No wonder you have an overwhelming sense of loss! Goodness, Susanna, cut yourself some slack! You are not made of steel!
16
susanna
Thinking of all these terrible losses you have endured and survived. Treat yourself as best you can, and on days when the Blue Bird of Sadness visits, and you are not prepared, let him into your heart for awhile. He will fly away again, and do whatever it takes to make you feel happy.
It is what a friend on her return from a long mission to the South Sudan always says 'whatever makes you happy'. The poem 'Desiderata' might explain this better, she told me about this long ago, and remember that while we are much the same, we are all different. It is The Human Condition, and sending you some joy laced with a warm smile.
Thinking of all these terrible losses you have endured and survived. Treat yourself as best you can, and on days when the Blue Bird of Sadness visits, and you are not prepared, let him into your heart for awhile. He will fly away again, and do whatever it takes to make you feel happy.
It is what a friend on her return from a long mission to the South Sudan always says 'whatever makes you happy'. The poem 'Desiderata' might explain this better, she told me about this long ago, and remember that while we are much the same, we are all different. It is The Human Condition, and sending you some joy laced with a warm smile.
2
Bless you woman...you deserve a day or two of peace! And thank you for sharing...for me, that is hard.
Grief is not just a psychological problem; it is physiological as well. When my grandfather died, my grandmother who had been in relatively good health until then suffered such profound depression that she died within nine months of his death.
After my high school sweetheart's death, my grief was so severe that I developed what is called stress-induced pseudo-Cushing's syndrome. The symptoms included severe anxiety, depression, insomnia, muscle spasms, proteinuria/early stage renal failure, angina, peripheral neuropathy, arthritic joints, and an episode each of clonic seizures and colitis. I was breaking down into tears almost every hour of the day.
My recovery began when I started taking 50mg/day of DHEA, a cortisol antagonist. Adding magnesium, acetyl L-carnitine, alpha lipoic acid, fish oil, and sustained release B-50 vitamins to this daily regimen reversed the inflammation associated symptoms.
Although my experience offers only anecdotal evidence of this regimen's effectiveness, large scale double-blind clinical trials by Dr. Owen Wolkowitz attest to DHEA's effectiveness in reversing moderate to major depression. Unlike other anti-depressants, its effects are felt within two days, like someone throwing a switch. Sadly, because it is an inexpensive dietary supplement, no pharmaceutical company promotes its use among physicians. Nevertheless, I have seen DHEA's amazing ability to reverse the effects of profound grief in myself and others to whom I have recommended it.
After my high school sweetheart's death, my grief was so severe that I developed what is called stress-induced pseudo-Cushing's syndrome. The symptoms included severe anxiety, depression, insomnia, muscle spasms, proteinuria/early stage renal failure, angina, peripheral neuropathy, arthritic joints, and an episode each of clonic seizures and colitis. I was breaking down into tears almost every hour of the day.
My recovery began when I started taking 50mg/day of DHEA, a cortisol antagonist. Adding magnesium, acetyl L-carnitine, alpha lipoic acid, fish oil, and sustained release B-50 vitamins to this daily regimen reversed the inflammation associated symptoms.
Although my experience offers only anecdotal evidence of this regimen's effectiveness, large scale double-blind clinical trials by Dr. Owen Wolkowitz attest to DHEA's effectiveness in reversing moderate to major depression. Unlike other anti-depressants, its effects are felt within two days, like someone throwing a switch. Sadly, because it is an inexpensive dietary supplement, no pharmaceutical company promotes its use among physicians. Nevertheless, I have seen DHEA's amazing ability to reverse the effects of profound grief in myself and others to whom I have recommended it.
17
Thank you for your comment. If I have a physical problem, I always first see a medical doctor. However, if the doctor's treatment either doesn't help, or only helps a little, I do my own research into "alternative" treatments, such as nutrition. I used to suffer from panic attacks, and before popping a Xanax, I found that if I instead immediately did exercises - jumping jacks, jogs, even vigorous "shoulder rolls" if I was in a car, they would dissipate. I now suffer from IBS, and my doctor only gave me some meds, and told me to "drink more water". On my own, I found that taking peppermint oil capsules helps a lot.
When we suffer the loss of a loved one, it takes something away from us forever. A friend is grieving over her grand-daughter who died at 12 from a rare illness three years ago, and her family does not always understand why she finds comfort in bringing flowers to her grave and sitting quietly beside it.
Time does not always play a factor in the healing process, and just when you think you are on the path of life again, the memory of a lost child, a spouse, a best friend comes to one's heart and mind, and it is sorrowful.
Some of us call ourselves survivors, others use the word enduring, as we continue our journey, and at a relatively young age, I think of so many family members and friends that have died over the years. that at times I prefer the concept of never becoming too close, or attached to anyone else again, because it is too painful.
It does not mean that one's life is over, and some of us even learn to love our grief.
Today I feel happier than ever, find life more rewarding ,and while carrying with me in my heart those I have loved so much, each and every one of us has a different way to be reconciled in the best of way that suits us.
Wishing Ms. Shomaker and others a kind passage through the grieving season, while perhaps when the time feels right for her, she will look back in hindsight and feel how fortunate she has been to have experienced a love that goes beyond loving.
Time does not always play a factor in the healing process, and just when you think you are on the path of life again, the memory of a lost child, a spouse, a best friend comes to one's heart and mind, and it is sorrowful.
Some of us call ourselves survivors, others use the word enduring, as we continue our journey, and at a relatively young age, I think of so many family members and friends that have died over the years. that at times I prefer the concept of never becoming too close, or attached to anyone else again, because it is too painful.
It does not mean that one's life is over, and some of us even learn to love our grief.
Today I feel happier than ever, find life more rewarding ,and while carrying with me in my heart those I have loved so much, each and every one of us has a different way to be reconciled in the best of way that suits us.
Wishing Ms. Shomaker and others a kind passage through the grieving season, while perhaps when the time feels right for her, she will look back in hindsight and feel how fortunate she has been to have experienced a love that goes beyond loving.
82
I lost my husband 3 years ago, after 40 years of marriage and 3 children, in our early 60s. It is true that Eastern beliefs in Karma did help me to accept that our Karmas that have brought us together ended on the day he died and my Karma to live without him will continue. I was lucky to have work and other activities to occupy me during the day times. But it is true, I will never get over him being "my whole life and my whole world".
23
Happy that there are therapies that offer relief, I am also sad that people suffer such devastating losses.
My beloved spouse is alive and well but someday one of us will likely be left here without the other, and will suffer immensely for it.
Since I have not experienced this personally, I am only posing the following question to solicit an answer from those in the know, not to prescribe a solution:
Specifically for older widows and widowers, would the availability of living arrangements (a la Golden Girls) with a small number of others who are in similar circumstances be useful in ameliorating both the loneliness of losing the spouse/partner and the loneliness of not being able to share one's daily life with others who truly understand what that type of loss does to a person?
Perhaps this question would make a good "The New Old Age" column.
My beloved spouse is alive and well but someday one of us will likely be left here without the other, and will suffer immensely for it.
Since I have not experienced this personally, I am only posing the following question to solicit an answer from those in the know, not to prescribe a solution:
Specifically for older widows and widowers, would the availability of living arrangements (a la Golden Girls) with a small number of others who are in similar circumstances be useful in ameliorating both the loneliness of losing the spouse/partner and the loneliness of not being able to share one's daily life with others who truly understand what that type of loss does to a person?
Perhaps this question would make a good "The New Old Age" column.
21
Mr. or Ms. Post: Lots of people are thinking in that direction. Here's a real-world example from the New Old Age blog a few years back:
http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/29/real-life-golden-girls/
and more in that vein:
http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/15/roommates-of-a-certain-age/
http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/29/real-life-golden-girls/
and more in that vein:
http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/15/roommates-of-a-certain-age/
3
Thank you!
Immediately after my sister died, a psychiatrist told me to do something every day that I enjoyed, in order to get my mind off of grieving. I did that. I thought I was okay. A year later, my grief overwhelmed me and for months I had trouble functioning. When a loved one dies, grief should be embraced, not shoved to the back burner. And crying is not a form of weakness, rather it is a tribute to the wonderful love you shared.
143
I am sorry for you loss but not everyone grieves in the same way. I lost my best friend at 16 years old to a motorcycle crash. I felt like I was honoring him by riding as much as possible and not listening to people who said it was dangerous. Thirty years later my best friend of 40 years died in the same way. I keep riding daily because I enjoy it and it makes me remember my friends everyday. I still don't know that I will ever be the same, though.
"When a loved one dies, grief should be embraced." This is precisely right. I worked as a hospice nurse for six year, the last two as a grief counselor. I saw a lot of "complicated grief." I personally feel there may be two distinct types of this grief. For grievers who have a history of mental illness it can be very difficult to emerge from grief and medical intervention may be required. The second category of complicated grievers were like the grievers described in this article who had lost spouses of long duration or a child, especially an adult child. They try to "move on" because that is what our culture tells them to do but in many respects they need to be still, they need time to simply "be" in this new world, alone.
Years ago widows would wear black for a year and family members wore black armbands. This told everyone who saw them that this person was in pain and needed special consideration. We have none of that today and our grievers are thrown into the "real world" just a short while after a loved one is buried. In this delicate time the smallest of events can seem enormous burdens--a rude clerk, the lack of a favorite product in a store, the silence in the house.
Like other commenters, I also worry about "pathologizing" grief. Grief is individual, one size does not fit all. Complicated grief may need medical treatment but it is not a new phenomena, just look at Queen Victoria's grieiving.
Years ago widows would wear black for a year and family members wore black armbands. This told everyone who saw them that this person was in pain and needed special consideration. We have none of that today and our grievers are thrown into the "real world" just a short while after a loved one is buried. In this delicate time the smallest of events can seem enormous burdens--a rude clerk, the lack of a favorite product in a store, the silence in the house.
Like other commenters, I also worry about "pathologizing" grief. Grief is individual, one size does not fit all. Complicated grief may need medical treatment but it is not a new phenomena, just look at Queen Victoria's grieiving.
3
I recently lost my beloved mother. She was my rock, my go-to person. She was a brilliant person, mother, careerwoman, caretaker, cheerleader, 'superwoman'. She made sure that each of her children knew they were loved and had talents.
I think of her often, wish she were here but know that she is in a better place without pain. I honor her and her mother in what I pass on to my children.
I think of her often, wish she were here but know that she is in a better place without pain. I honor her and her mother in what I pass on to my children.
19
No matter your age, if you have feelings you will suffer and grieve when you lose someone. This is the human condition. When the grief takes over you life making you nonfunctional it is something to be dealt with. We never forget or lose our feelings for lost loved ones, nor should we.
69
Do American's really think folks should just 'shake it off' after 6 or 60 months ?
Hogwash. Sadness at the death of a loved one is a durable experience which takes courage, maturity & strength to endure. It is part of being fully human NOT to 'move on' - if moving on means forgetting the pain.
In classic psychoanalysis- complicated grief often reflected ambivalence, an unresolved conflict, resentment, betrayal- not just simple sadness.
It is reasonable to address 'complicated grief' but rather concrete to frame it exclusively as a singular chronic syndrome vs a complicated psychological phenomenom.
Hogwash. Sadness at the death of a loved one is a durable experience which takes courage, maturity & strength to endure. It is part of being fully human NOT to 'move on' - if moving on means forgetting the pain.
In classic psychoanalysis- complicated grief often reflected ambivalence, an unresolved conflict, resentment, betrayal- not just simple sadness.
It is reasonable to address 'complicated grief' but rather concrete to frame it exclusively as a singular chronic syndrome vs a complicated psychological phenomenom.
35
Reading the article, I anticipated the plethora of comments that complicated grief is normal and shouldn't be labeled. If it isn't labeled, it can't be helped. And someone who is in this much pain for this long needs help. My fiance lost his beautiful, beyond-vibrant 25 -year-old daughter less than a year ago when she was hit by a car while jogging. He was completely incapacitated. He has been slowly recovering, but I could not imagine watching him be in that much agony--constantly and for a prolonged period. Whether it is "normal" or not, helping someone out of such pain is humane and even miraculous. God bless Dr. Shear and others who have recognized this horrible suffering and are working to alleviate it.
104
Yes, of course, you are right. But the problem with labeling is this: it is 1) a judgement and 2) unmovable and 3) it implies deviance from the mean at a time when we need to find the mean the most. No one wants to be told they are an outlier when what we most want is normalcy that seems completely out of reach.
I say tread VERY VERY carefully with the labelling---and if you ask me, the very nature of labeling shows an utter lack of comprehension of what the problem is and what is best needed to fix it.
I say tread VERY VERY carefully with the labelling---and if you ask me, the very nature of labeling shows an utter lack of comprehension of what the problem is and what is best needed to fix it.
1
Wise words. Grief is the price we pay for love. There is no recovery from a profound loss. That said, horrible psychic suffering can and should be addressed. It's not a question of denying the grief or making it go away. It's a question of learning how to live with it and getting help that makes this possible.
2
I lost my father in 1973, my mother in 2003, and my two closest friends (one in 1996 and the other in 2012.) Move on??? Yes, I guess I'd like that in certain ways but not at the expense of still hearing their voices, "asking'' their advice and "getting'' it at times of need, dreaming of the places I shared with each of them. And the older I get the more present they are; lately I often wake thinking I'm in my childhood home, me in my room and my parents in their's. The confusion passes quickly, though it always makes me sad and lonely. But I prefer their "ghosts'' to having them gone.
72
Two years ago today we suddenly lost our 28 year old son to a drug overdose. As his parents, we experienced intense disabling grief that took the form of anger and blame toward each other. We found a wonderful therapist that helped us learn healthier ways to express our distress. Please do not tell a grieving person to move on or get over it. The meaning of the grief changes over time, but it never ends. We learned to change how we experienced grief by talking about happy memories and affirming our love our son. Now two years later, our grief is expressed by reaching out to other parents who lost children to drug addiction or mental illness. It takes courage to move out of disabling grief, especially if the death is related to mental illness or drug addiction because of strong negative stigma. My coworker honestly thought I was relieved when my son died. I hope our experience will help others suffering from disabling grief to seek help, it is possible to find significance in life through engagement with others
102
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine but I am so impressed with the courage you have obviously shown....
I am so sorry for your loss. I think you have found ways of coping that are tremendously brave and generous.
To lose a child is one of the worst griefs imaginable. A friend, a spouse or partner -- that is to lose your past, and perhaps your present.
To lose a child is to lose the future, and that is far harder to cope with.
To lose a child is one of the worst griefs imaginable. A friend, a spouse or partner -- that is to lose your past, and perhaps your present.
To lose a child is to lose the future, and that is far harder to cope with.
Complicated grief is the condition that occurs when the natural adaptive response to bereavement becomes stalled. The natural healing process can be like a roller coaster, pulling us into the pain and pushing us away from it as we move toward coming to terms with the painful reality, Eventually, most people find ways to treasure the memories of those we lost while restoring a sense of purpose and meaning and the capacity for joy and satisfaction in our own lives. However, about 10 percent of bereaved individuals get stuck in their grief, as I did. Complicated grief is the condition that results when something interferes with the healing process. Complicated Grief Treatment (CGT) helps 70% of people. Dr Katherine Shear, director of the Center for Complicated Grief developed this evidence based treatment that has been shown to be more effective than traditional talk therapy for those suffering from complicated grief.
25
Not sure I buy into all this labelling. It seems to me that as one gets older and begins to lose more friends and family, that it means two very obvious things: you feel more 'alone', and you become more acutely aware of your own death creeping that much closer.
Whether one has any 'mental illness' label applied to one's grief or not, it seems to me that we'd all cope better with such losses, by doing two things:
1) learn to enjoy one's own company, be independent, have one's own hobbies, etc., during your entire lifetime, and not just when people around you start dying. Make this become a part of your constitution from the get go. Far too many people depend on their spouse for their own mental well-being, social life, etc. A spouse should complement your already full life, not make up for things you already lack on your own.
2) learn to accept death and not fear it, but just recognize it as another aspect of life...that many before you have died, and many after you have died, and it's all 'ok' in the end....
I think if people simply did these two things throughout their entire lives (and again, true mental illness aside) that people would be better able to cope with the losses of friends and family, as they get older.
Whether one has any 'mental illness' label applied to one's grief or not, it seems to me that we'd all cope better with such losses, by doing two things:
1) learn to enjoy one's own company, be independent, have one's own hobbies, etc., during your entire lifetime, and not just when people around you start dying. Make this become a part of your constitution from the get go. Far too many people depend on their spouse for their own mental well-being, social life, etc. A spouse should complement your already full life, not make up for things you already lack on your own.
2) learn to accept death and not fear it, but just recognize it as another aspect of life...that many before you have died, and many after you have died, and it's all 'ok' in the end....
I think if people simply did these two things throughout their entire lives (and again, true mental illness aside) that people would be better able to cope with the losses of friends and family, as they get older.
60
A sound strategy for aging and coping with loss, if conceived and practiced while you are strong, can also help deal with the unknown and an uncertain future. Like exercise, these strategies can strengthen your ability to cope with challenging events. You've hit on two good ones that can reframe life in ways that help withstand loss. I practice these and others every day for that purpose. Yet I know, as you may not, that the deepest grief comes from losses you could never prepare for. If you are always thinking about potential but unlikely losses, you could easily lose the moment. The daily weight of what could happen can easily suffocate the strongest, most prepared person. No, there are some losses that are so unlikely, so unanticipated, and so crushing that all the philosophy and independence in the world could never save you from them. Beware the unbearable, for this is what complicated grief is all about. When you feel for yourself the immense weight of that relentless drumbeat of time moving on, seemingly so cruel with it's nonnegotiable demands, then you can tell me about "simple" strategies for aging. If only all losses were that simple.
22
Lisa Evers, what you write is a complex form of "get over it." Accept death and not fear it. . .it is just another aspect of life." Think grievers haven't heard that and tried a thousand times? Simple things? Simplistic, I'm afraid. For some the process isn't that straightforward and pollyanna-ish.
14
I agree with this beautifully written response. Many things that make sense and seem clear on an intellectual level just don't unfold that way. Are we going to start believing that some people's complicated grief is simply a response to being too connected in the first place? It might be comforting to think there are things we can do to inoculate ourselves, but I'm afraid it's a false comfort.
3
It seems to me that after taking care of a sick husband for the last five years that grieving can occur even when the person is still alive. The illness has changed our lives; he is no longer the person he was when we were first married, is limited in what he is able to do and eat, and there have been times when he has suffered tremendously (both physically and mentally). I have been grieving, in a different way, for a long time. Fortunately I have had a lot of support along the way including a therapist who has made it ok to grieve even though my husband is still alive.
77
We used to call that "anticipatory grief."
Anticipatory grieving is also normal in prolonged, progressively debilitating disease. As a couple, you have already lost much, including a better future together without the disease. Share that reality and look for meaning in what is present.
It's OK to grieve as you lose someone you love. Caring for my mother for 8 years and watching her descend into dementia, I did my grieving while she was alive. She was always a fearful person but as she became less able to deal with any aspect of daily life, she regressed back to being a very fearful little girl, frightened of everyone. (Her parents were mean, bitter people and you could see their influence on her.) At the end she was a frightened, confused woman with no ability to speak or comprehend. The person who had been my mother was long gone, and all I felt at her body's demise was relief that the suffering and pain were over. It was very different from my father's death on the operating table during a second multiple-bypass operation. He had his mind even though his heart was giving out, and he was very clear in his plans. We spoke the night before his operation, and he explained how he would rather take his chances (slim) on another operation than the 'sure thing' of being hit by another heart attack at any moment. When he lost his bet, we all felt sad but also knew that he had gone out in a way that he wanted.
1
My husband died of cancer 10 yrs ago this past June. I think about him every single day - I even talk to him about the lovely garden he made for me. There is a void inside me that will NEVER be filled.
But that doesn't mean that I never leave the house or go to church or the doctor or see friends. I do all of these things - the doctor is especially important as I want to live independently as long as possible, and without a spouse it is much harder to do this. Friends? Well, when one loses ones husband at age 62 (he was 64), the good news is that no one else has had this happen and the bad news is that no one else has had this happen! It is a Noah's Ark world out there, and a widow is a constant reminder of ones own mortality and most people don't find that a good thing.
I'm lucky that I have two children, one living locally, and 4 grandchildren. I am very involved with the two who live locally, and I have been very successful in keeping their memory of their grandfather alive - this was VERY important to him - he wanted them to remember him, but they were only 5 and not quite 3 when he died. We all talk about him all the time, especially during the 4 wk vacation every summer at the place that was most beloved by him, and where he wanted the boys to learn to share that love. They have.
I don't know what I would have done without the hope for the future with my grandchildren. My life would be far emptier.
But that doesn't mean that I never leave the house or go to church or the doctor or see friends. I do all of these things - the doctor is especially important as I want to live independently as long as possible, and without a spouse it is much harder to do this. Friends? Well, when one loses ones husband at age 62 (he was 64), the good news is that no one else has had this happen and the bad news is that no one else has had this happen! It is a Noah's Ark world out there, and a widow is a constant reminder of ones own mortality and most people don't find that a good thing.
I'm lucky that I have two children, one living locally, and 4 grandchildren. I am very involved with the two who live locally, and I have been very successful in keeping their memory of their grandfather alive - this was VERY important to him - he wanted them to remember him, but they were only 5 and not quite 3 when he died. We all talk about him all the time, especially during the 4 wk vacation every summer at the place that was most beloved by him, and where he wanted the boys to learn to share that love. They have.
I don't know what I would have done without the hope for the future with my grandchildren. My life would be far emptier.
45
what a gracious, loving way to live your life. thank you.
10
How wonderful and lucky you are to have adult children you are close to, and grandchildren.
But everyone does not have this.
It is also worth noting that people DO treat widows particularly badly. They don't want you to be dependent on them. They fear their own mortality -- your still-married friends don't want to even THINK about being in your situation -- there is a kind of hierarchy amongst seniors and widows are at the very bottom of it. There are no "extra men" around for them. They are a liability at social functions. Dating is difficult if not impossible. And people resent your dependence or think you might ask favors of them. In short, they avoid you -- and widows feel this keenly, and it is part of their grief & loss...to find that without a spouse, they have lost "value" in society.
But everyone does not have this.
It is also worth noting that people DO treat widows particularly badly. They don't want you to be dependent on them. They fear their own mortality -- your still-married friends don't want to even THINK about being in your situation -- there is a kind of hierarchy amongst seniors and widows are at the very bottom of it. There are no "extra men" around for them. They are a liability at social functions. Dating is difficult if not impossible. And people resent your dependence or think you might ask favors of them. In short, they avoid you -- and widows feel this keenly, and it is part of their grief & loss...to find that without a spouse, they have lost "value" in society.
We rush to treat grief as an abnormal condition, not recognzing that for older people who have lost spouses, parents, siblings, even children, it is a perfectly reasonable reaction to a situation that cannot be fixed. That is the reality that no one wants to face. When you lose important people in your life, they simply cannot be replaced. An occassional lunch with a cousin does not make up for the loss of the day to day companionship of a husband. For an older person, it isn't likely that this kind of companionship will ever happen again. Life after losing key people is fundamentally worse in every way. We need to recognize that and respect it rather than trying to medicalize the perfectly understandable reaction.
158
You are right--and it's not just that.
Older people are losing their way of life....their immediate way of life, but also the world they lived in. 2015 is simply NOTHING like 1973.....and when I see how much of the 20th century is in my rear view mirror, it saddens me.
Then there is the specter of the future. Suddenly I can see with UTTER CLARITY that we are nothing more than bobbing heads in the water. When one of us go down, only the people around us notice. After a while, there is not even a ripple in the water where one went down and eventually, there is nothing left behind to ever say we were here, we suffered, we worried, we did, we loved, we lived, we felt, we managed, we coped, we laughed, we fought.
Nothing.
AND THAT IS DAMN DEPRESSING
Older people are losing their way of life....their immediate way of life, but also the world they lived in. 2015 is simply NOTHING like 1973.....and when I see how much of the 20th century is in my rear view mirror, it saddens me.
Then there is the specter of the future. Suddenly I can see with UTTER CLARITY that we are nothing more than bobbing heads in the water. When one of us go down, only the people around us notice. After a while, there is not even a ripple in the water where one went down and eventually, there is nothing left behind to ever say we were here, we suffered, we worried, we did, we loved, we lived, we felt, we managed, we coped, we laughed, we fought.
Nothing.
AND THAT IS DAMN DEPRESSING
Thank you, that is an excellent point.
There is a vast difference between being (say) a young widow, and suffering a grievous loss, but still having your parents, your children, and the potential down the road of remarriage -- and being a 72 year old widow, with children long grown and gone (or maybe NO children), and your parents long dead, and pretty close to zero chance of ever finding love, romance or companionship ever again.
It's different for every person, with every loss, because our situations are all unique. Some people are more adaptable than others. Some people have a naturally sunny disposition that is inborn -- you can't learn it. Some people are just luckier than others (I sympathize, but can't help but note the lady in the article could recuperate from her loss in HER COUNTRY HOME...how many widows have NO CHOICE to but remain in the house or tiny apartment they once shared with a spouse? because the money just isn't there to distract themselves with country homes, vacations, new hobbies, etc.).
There is a vast difference between being (say) a young widow, and suffering a grievous loss, but still having your parents, your children, and the potential down the road of remarriage -- and being a 72 year old widow, with children long grown and gone (or maybe NO children), and your parents long dead, and pretty close to zero chance of ever finding love, romance or companionship ever again.
It's different for every person, with every loss, because our situations are all unique. Some people are more adaptable than others. Some people have a naturally sunny disposition that is inborn -- you can't learn it. Some people are just luckier than others (I sympathize, but can't help but note the lady in the article could recuperate from her loss in HER COUNTRY HOME...how many widows have NO CHOICE to but remain in the house or tiny apartment they once shared with a spouse? because the money just isn't there to distract themselves with country homes, vacations, new hobbies, etc.).
4
Why are you restricting this to older people? What about a young person who lost what he believes to be the love of his/her love? What about a couple who lost a child to leukemia? Of course, grief is a natural reaction. But, what if one cannot stop ruminating about it for years and decades; what if the lingering pain is worse than anything one could imagine physically; what if it ultimately leads to loss of a career and inability to start anything new? What if the best empathic response from the annoyed friends and relatives is to advise a "snap out of it" maneuver? What if the psychiatrist simply labels this as depression, unable to recognize the distinction, and prescribes drugs that only make the symptoms worse? Why do you even assume that medication is the answer to this diagnosis (there is no one discovered yet).
Any normal emotion can become unhealthy if taken to the extreme. Grief is related, but different from depression. The arrogance of ignorant commentators who consider themselves experts in all subjects is pathetic.
Any normal emotion can become unhealthy if taken to the extreme. Grief is related, but different from depression. The arrogance of ignorant commentators who consider themselves experts in all subjects is pathetic.
1
Being unable to carry on with life after a great loss seems to me a perfectly normal response, even over a period of many years. It is not pathology, and persons so afflicted should not be encouraged to "move on" with their lives.
Life - and reality - are hard things. Terrible things. Every pleasure and comfort we may find we cling to, like lost kittens in a storm; that is the condition of life. It is terrible. It is cruel. It is cold. We only have one another, and to lose that one safe harbor - that one person who cares - is the worst of all things.
Don't tell me not to grieve when grief is all I have left.
Life - and reality - are hard things. Terrible things. Every pleasure and comfort we may find we cling to, like lost kittens in a storm; that is the condition of life. It is terrible. It is cruel. It is cold. We only have one another, and to lose that one safe harbor - that one person who cares - is the worst of all things.
Don't tell me not to grieve when grief is all I have left.
67
I am sorry for you if grief is truly all you have left. I realize that no one person is ever likely to be able to fill the emptiness left by that ONE special person who is gone - but many people find that if they can turn even a little of their attention to others in need, it helps ease the pain.
There is so much need in this world, and certainly in the USA, that to do anything at all for another person will make a difference for both of you.
There is so much need in this world, and certainly in the USA, that to do anything at all for another person will make a difference for both of you.
10
I agree, with L, but only if it's possible for Completely Normal. No judgment here. And can I add to L's wise advice? To let others give you comfort in your time of need. I doubt I would have recovered without lots of caring friends during the years after my 12-month-old son died of SMA. Yes, I reached out to help others, but I was so fragile I'd cry from even rude customer service. I needed lots of support and no judgment. I'm so grateful I got it—and grateful I can finally give back.
L
Perhaps one should not tell people that one feels sorry for them because it is another way to weaken them.
Some of our greatest romances were written by people who suffered from depression, and it is likely that Emily Bronte, who died at a young age, would have been astonished at the ongoing success of the love story between 'Heathcliff and Catherine'.
Telling people how to lead their lives may not be our business and we should tend to our own garden. Helping others is an uplifting way to live, and it helps when one is feeling light of heart to be able to do this with spirit, while extending to a soul in grief, caring wishes for some feelings of ease and contentment.
Perhaps one should not tell people that one feels sorry for them because it is another way to weaken them.
Some of our greatest romances were written by people who suffered from depression, and it is likely that Emily Bronte, who died at a young age, would have been astonished at the ongoing success of the love story between 'Heathcliff and Catherine'.
Telling people how to lead their lives may not be our business and we should tend to our own garden. Helping others is an uplifting way to live, and it helps when one is feeling light of heart to be able to do this with spirit, while extending to a soul in grief, caring wishes for some feelings of ease and contentment.
2
I agree with Cat and RC. I very much dislike this idea that people need to "move on" from a major loss in their lives. I believe we tell ourselves and others that because we don't want to think about inevitability of death as individuals or as a society. I have learned so much from loss and grief in my life. I don't want to say I am thankful for it, but living with it has given me a perspective I wouldn't have had otherwise. That being said, I understand the important of needing help when you have lost your will to live, but let's stop telling people to"get on with their lives."
37
A lot of people here strike me as shallow; it is easy to talk lightly of this if you have never suffered a major loss.
And loss is different to different people. A minor child who loses a parent is very different than a middle-aged adult whose dementia-riddled 90 year old parent dies in a nursing home. Sometimes when a spouse dies, after a long painful illness, the death (thought sad) is a kind of relief. In other cases, it leaves the widow/widower bereft and without companionship.
Everyone's situation is so unique, that to state there are "5 stages of grief" or "you should do this or that" is incredibly pointless.
It is worth noting that people DIE of grief, just as they often do of depression. It's not a small thing. It is worthwhile to try and intervene and help -- but it is also sometimes not possible to alleviate really deep and profound grief. It either heals, or goes into remission, or it does not.
And loss is different to different people. A minor child who loses a parent is very different than a middle-aged adult whose dementia-riddled 90 year old parent dies in a nursing home. Sometimes when a spouse dies, after a long painful illness, the death (thought sad) is a kind of relief. In other cases, it leaves the widow/widower bereft and without companionship.
Everyone's situation is so unique, that to state there are "5 stages of grief" or "you should do this or that" is incredibly pointless.
It is worth noting that people DIE of grief, just as they often do of depression. It's not a small thing. It is worthwhile to try and intervene and help -- but it is also sometimes not possible to alleviate really deep and profound grief. It either heals, or goes into remission, or it does not.
In the West we think of Buddhism as a religion, but in truth it presents a model of psychological thought. Do some serious reading into its theories of attachment and you may be motivated to let go of deep and complicated grief and sense of loss.
Integrative medicine also provides solutions. Check out Dr. Datis Kharrazian's 'Why Isn't My Brain Working' (2013) on being stuck in thinking 'ruts'. Cutting edge stuff.
Integrative medicine also provides solutions. Check out Dr. Datis Kharrazian's 'Why Isn't My Brain Working' (2013) on being stuck in thinking 'ruts'. Cutting edge stuff.
7
Buddhism may or may not offer insights but is definitely a religion and deserves healthy skepticism.
Dude: Buddhism can promote healthy skepticism.
In the words of Sharon Lampert, poet-philosopher, "The Loss of True Love is Excruciating and TIme Does Not Heal the Wound." http://www.worldfamouspoems.com
10
This is me. Nine years in. Three root-ripping losses. Working hard to move ahead. Working from my apartment home office. Call display helps let in the light, the support of some who have travelled with me in parallel, my brothers- and sisters-in-care. We seem to be many. We try to bring a smile to each other. Leave a message for each other when we are able to engage. Big shock to me, a natural leader, room worker, well-read, well-educated, fun-loving and community-engaged. Thank you for this article, this study, these therapists. The bit of solace here in reading, between tears, that we are not wallowing (as we sometimes wonder) but still struggling to resurface.
76
This is another example of market differentiation so common in the "mental illness" industry. I read somewhere that there are 200 some types of mental illness. What trash. I saw my father die when I was five. I am now 81 and still "grieving". It is a mechanical process driven by association. His death influenced every aspect of my life and still does, including feeling the emotional effects.
50
Given your use of the dreaded quotation marks, I gather you are skeptical in general of mental illness or its treatment. Tell me, then, if an adult - like one of the women described here, does not leave her house, does not see friends, no longer goes to church or other formerly valued activities, and all of these after a period of years from the time of the death, what do you think is a reasonable characterization and intervention? Is "complicated grief" really an idea that you are willing to dismiss as "trash"? You did read the article, of course, right?
5
I can give four valid reasons that lady no longer wanted to go to church and I consider all four reasons to be healthy, valid human responses to her loss, not sign of a mental 'disease'. 1) Seeing happy couples made her feel bad. It is hard to cherish other people's happiness in light of a tremendous loss. 2) I would bet my bottom dollar that at least one person at her church said something stupid and hurtful like 'when are you going to get over it?' or 'Don't you think it's time to move on?' 3) After a loss, it takes a lot of energy to put on the smiling mask and be the 'happy, well adjusted' person our society expects one to be. 4) A crisis of faith. Nothing attacks religious faith faster than death.
SS
While what you have to say has validity for some of us reading what Paula Span has to relay, others feel much the same as Don Melvin, and why adopt an hostile tone?
It brings to mind a tragedy witnessed as a young girl when a man left his wife, and started sending letters to all of his former friends. He believed that the treatment of mental illness was nonsense. When she died in the worse of ways and I was twenty, I carried on with my own life, and this business of living is now gaining in interest and some joy.
The people in this story are all gone now, and there are days that the burden of it all rests heavy in my heart, but I may not go in search of a therapist to tell what happened, because the medical expert might find this sorrowful anecdote more interesting than the messenger.
Let us allow people to feel as they wish, and if one can make them smile at times, it is another way to bring us together.
While what you have to say has validity for some of us reading what Paula Span has to relay, others feel much the same as Don Melvin, and why adopt an hostile tone?
It brings to mind a tragedy witnessed as a young girl when a man left his wife, and started sending letters to all of his former friends. He believed that the treatment of mental illness was nonsense. When she died in the worse of ways and I was twenty, I carried on with my own life, and this business of living is now gaining in interest and some joy.
The people in this story are all gone now, and there are days that the burden of it all rests heavy in my heart, but I may not go in search of a therapist to tell what happened, because the medical expert might find this sorrowful anecdote more interesting than the messenger.
Let us allow people to feel as they wish, and if one can make them smile at times, it is another way to bring us together.
A lot rings true to me. A spouse blowing town 8 (or 4) years ago, depending on when you start counting. Along with other complicating factors, it becomes tough to move forward, even with therapy and friends.
8
Michael Branagan
As I was reading your comment, a dove in mourning started singing outside my window. Perhaps it is a song in your honor and others, who are honest to say that it is tough to move ahead, but we can perhaps try with one step backwards, and two forward in mind.
As I was reading your comment, a dove in mourning started singing outside my window. Perhaps it is a song in your honor and others, who are honest to say that it is tough to move ahead, but we can perhaps try with one step backwards, and two forward in mind.
2
It would be interesting to learn how many aging people are grieving over being "thrown away" by their children and how they are coping.
28
I hate to say this, but some adult children have done what you label "throwing away" their older parents, because the parents have treated their children horribly in the past, and continue to do so. My mother always said the cruelest things to me, and never stopped until the day she died. Yet she NEVER thought she was doing anything wrong. Even when I actually DID something she had wanted me to do, she criticized me. And I never "threw" her away.
However, I have known those who did block contact with their parents. And in most cases, it was understandable.
However, I have known those who did block contact with their parents. And in most cases, it was understandable.
2
Does the author have any data of less incidence of this extended grief condition in Eastern socities where acceptance of death illness and misfortune as fate or Karma is widely held.
Personally being from that part of the world I have observed that 'what cannot be cured has to be endured' philosophy there has helped healing easier. I may be wrong.
Personally being from that part of the world I have observed that 'what cannot be cured has to be endured' philosophy there has helped healing easier. I may be wrong.
32
terrific! "what cannot be cured must be endured". the balance in all things is the answer. it is nice to know there are people who understand the limits of life.
2
I lost a young husband fifteen years ago and raised our young children alone. I have had a partner for the past nine years that I love dearly and have great times with. I still miss my husband, my children still long for their father and there are still times that overwhelming grief strikes. These are the things that help keep him alive for us. What's so bad about that? When my mother told me, a year or so after his death that I needed to "move on", I actually couldn't believe it.
140
What you are describing, RC, is not complicated grief. It is a wonderfully healthy way to acknowledge what a meaningful person your husband/father was to all of you. You and your children are being authentic with your feelings. i was a bereavement coordinator for a hospice for many years in Atlanta. I worked with thousands of families. His memory will be in all of your hearts forever. Take note of when you/your adult children are reminded of your loss. and hold each other more.
23
A year was too soon, in your situation, I think. However, if one is still acutely grieving at two years, professional help is warranted. There is nothing wrong with honoring the deceased. There is something sad about getting stuck in one's grief and getting stuck in the past.
I very suddenly lost an adult child when she was 28. To cut to the chase, about six months after my daughter died, my therapist and I started an grief group in our church. I was literally astounded -- and heartbroken -- to find that parents who had lost adult children -- even 15 years prior -- were still acutely grieving. Not a few had become alcoholics. But the good side of this, for me, was that I had been chided by my family for not acutely grieving (according to whatever standard they had). And now I knew that rather than not grieving 'appropriately', perhaps the truth was that I was fairly mentally and emotionally healthy.
I am not telling you that you are wrong in your grief. While people always think that losing a child is worse than losing a spouse, I have always believed -- and experienced second hand -- that losing a loving spouse is much more difficult. We expect that our children will grow up and leave home. We don't expect our spouse to suddenly die, and especially when the spouse is young. And I think your ability to find love again, while still honor your first husband and the father of your children, is touching and wonderful.
I very suddenly lost an adult child when she was 28. To cut to the chase, about six months after my daughter died, my therapist and I started an grief group in our church. I was literally astounded -- and heartbroken -- to find that parents who had lost adult children -- even 15 years prior -- were still acutely grieving. Not a few had become alcoholics. But the good side of this, for me, was that I had been chided by my family for not acutely grieving (according to whatever standard they had). And now I knew that rather than not grieving 'appropriately', perhaps the truth was that I was fairly mentally and emotionally healthy.
I am not telling you that you are wrong in your grief. While people always think that losing a child is worse than losing a spouse, I have always believed -- and experienced second hand -- that losing a loving spouse is much more difficult. We expect that our children will grow up and leave home. We don't expect our spouse to suddenly die, and especially when the spouse is young. And I think your ability to find love again, while still honor your first husband and the father of your children, is touching and wonderful.
4
Were you talking to me rainer1? Thank you for your kind words and wise advice.
2
A very sad subject indeed. It's the feeling of emptiness that prevails, a deep deep void unable to be filled. And after taking care of someone for so long - doing for them and nurturing them (lovingly) - there must be a terrible sense of uselessness once the loved one has gone. I remember my mother saying how futile she felt after her dear husband (my father) departed. They had enjoyed a loving marriage of 47 years. And, sadly, my mother never got over his death. She valiantly carried on, putting on a brave face and telling everyone that she was OK, but she wasn't really. She died 6 years later.
47
Juliet
A kindness on your part and it was helpful to read what you had to say on the emptiness that may prevail for a loving carer after the passing of the cared one. A family friend took great care of my elderly mother in Paris and would visit her at a small home in the heart of the City. The end was particularly harrowing for this friend when my mother was laid to rest three years ago during the summer, and I plan to call her now, as she is alone at this time of year at Versailles.
A kindness on your part and it was helpful to read what you had to say on the emptiness that may prevail for a loving carer after the passing of the cared one. A family friend took great care of my elderly mother in Paris and would visit her at a small home in the heart of the City. The end was particularly harrowing for this friend when my mother was laid to rest three years ago during the summer, and I plan to call her now, as she is alone at this time of year at Versailles.
There is this misconception in our society of the five stages of grief (Kuebler-Ross) that often goes unchallenged although it does not reflect the experiences of most who have lost a loved one. Complicated grief may just be a variety of normal. Debilitating and painful? Yes. But what do you expect when you lose someone you deeply loved. Getting over it will never happen for many of us.
98
Cat, when people have a physical condition that is debilitating and painful, they don't just accept it. They seek help for it. I understand the concern about pathologizing normal emotions - of course you're going to be sad when you lose someone you love. My mother died in 2012. Yesterday was her birthday. I was a little sad. That is NOT what this article is about.
If you could get over it, so that you wake up in the morning and look forward to the day, and find life worth living, that would be a good thing, right? Why should people with complicated grief not work toward that?
If you could get over it, so that you wake up in the morning and look forward to the day, and find life worth living, that would be a good thing, right? Why should people with complicated grief not work toward that?
41
There's no evidence to support the stages of grief model, FYI. That doesn't mean that complicated grief doesn't occur or that it is abnormal or for that matter that it is normal. As others have pointed out, if this state of grief is detrimental to a person because of it's intensity or because of how long it lasts, then why not seek help regardless of how it's classified?
10