I married in 1975 at the age of 31 while a Department Chair at the University of San Diego, a private, Catholic institution. Hyphenating my name had NOTHING to do with feminism. I kept my maiden name of Zaworski out of respect for my wonderful parents and also included the name of Burke out of respect for my husband. Admittedly, this has and still causes many problems. I have often heard, "Our computer system does not recognize hyphenated last names so we will have to put both names together without the hyphen." Hmmmmmm...I am not the only woman who chose to keep both her maiden name and her husband's last name. It is high time that the DMV and other public entities show me the same respect that I chose to show my parents and my husband! Please, just get the proper software!!!
14
Why is this always political? are there no longer aesthetic considerations? I have dreamed my whole life of marrying a man with a name with fewer syllables than my own.
2
I am the last of the line for my Dad's family. While I hyphenated my last name, my children were given my last name as a middle name and their father's name as a last name. There is no problem.
3
Be warned...I recently found out a man I had been seeing causally was in fact married with kids. Did all the searches and lo and behold there he was with a picture of his wife who did not carry his last name.........just a cautionary tale
3
From BBC News:
"British hereditary surnames are only about 1,000 years old. Imported by the French around the time of the Norman Conquest, they stabilised throughout much of English society by the 14th Century, with Celtic regions taking longer to adapt. Married women, however, were perceived to have no surname at all, since the Normans had also brought with them the doctrine of coverture, the legal principle that, upon marriage, a woman became her husband's possession. Her state of namelessness reflected this. In the words of one court in 1340, "when a woman took a husband, she lost every surname except 'wife of'".
There was another interpretation of coverture available, based on scriptural ideas, which focused not on the husband's power over his wife but on the unity that marriage gave them.
In the words of the English jurist Henry de Bracton, they became "a single person, because they are one flesh and one blood". As this idea gained ground, so did the clerical habit of designating a married woman by her husband's surname. The married woman had formerly been a vassal with no surname at all, but now, in theory, she came to share the surname of her husband as a symbol of their legal and spiritual unity.
However, if there was one person in a marriage, that person was the husband. Married women still could not hold property, vote, or go to law. Legally, at the point of marriage they ceased to exist."
I did not change my name!
"British hereditary surnames are only about 1,000 years old. Imported by the French around the time of the Norman Conquest, they stabilised throughout much of English society by the 14th Century, with Celtic regions taking longer to adapt. Married women, however, were perceived to have no surname at all, since the Normans had also brought with them the doctrine of coverture, the legal principle that, upon marriage, a woman became her husband's possession. Her state of namelessness reflected this. In the words of one court in 1340, "when a woman took a husband, she lost every surname except 'wife of'".
There was another interpretation of coverture available, based on scriptural ideas, which focused not on the husband's power over his wife but on the unity that marriage gave them.
In the words of the English jurist Henry de Bracton, they became "a single person, because they are one flesh and one blood". As this idea gained ground, so did the clerical habit of designating a married woman by her husband's surname. The married woman had formerly been a vassal with no surname at all, but now, in theory, she came to share the surname of her husband as a symbol of their legal and spiritual unity.
However, if there was one person in a marriage, that person was the husband. Married women still could not hold property, vote, or go to law. Legally, at the point of marriage they ceased to exist."
I did not change my name!
13
My last name is part of my identity. My husband's last name is part of his. We each kept our names after our marriage because changing them made no sense to either one of us (but we know and support that it makes sense for lots of people). Our kids might also have different last names (possibly one with mine and one with his) and that's okay too! For those worried it will be "awkward" at school or elsewhere, help make it not awkward by remaining open-minded to alternative family name decisions! Our name isn't what makes us a family, our LOVE is what makes us a family. That's the message we hope to teach our little ones.
19
When I married my college sweetheart in the '70s, I hyphenated our surnames. When we divorced, I dropped his. Remarried in the '80s, I kept my name, went on to acquire several more degrees and established my career. We had kids later than most and I gave them my surname as the middle name and their dad's formally. My kids are my best defenders of my name and identity.
2
I didn't like my birth name and was relieved that I had an easy way out to change it. I suspect my brothers wished they had that opportunity, too.
5
They do!
9
My mom told me that when I was born, her grandmother in law wrote her a long nasty letter about how traumatized I was going to be growing up without my dad's last name. 31 years later I am doing great, would not even consider changing my name when I got married, and when my 2 kids were born the only option for me was to have them have my last name as well. It is a feminist issue to me. Many of my friends have kept their original last names, but I am the only one who has not given my kids the dad's last name.
13
I can't understand it -- just keep your name ladies! Your family helped raise and provide for you for many years before the guy came along and they are going to be there if he leaves. A name does not take away from the family you are about to start. Go with the surer thing.
24
I have lived in Italy for 38 years, married an Italian, married in Rome....all married women here keep their maiden names on all documents...they might use, on occasion, in a private setting, the last name of their husband...It makes for no confusion whatsoever on any kind of document...Even though I feel more affinity with living in Italy and with Italians than the USA and with Americans, my last name is me and shows my background...and in addition everyone remembers me for my last name...My maiden name also creates interesting conversations with strangers!!!
8
I was married some 30 odd years ago to an Italian and changed my name like a good girl, though the sound of it was not the most symphonic. After moving to Italy, my Aha moment came when I went for my first doctor's appt; after taking my name and inquiring if I had an Italian background, I said no, no, it's just that in America we take our husband's name. This was met with a combined eye-roll and head shake topped by a dismayed "only in America..." Lightbulb: You mean I don't have to reinvent my identity with that name? No! Because you can be Signora so-and-so but you are and always be the name you were born with -- for bureaucratic purposes mainly, it's just easier to keep track of people no matter the gender. No feminist statement, it's just who you are. Even all the doorbells have two names on them, his and her. Liberating.
16
Spaniards and Latin Americans NEVER change their names. As a matter of fact, your children carry their mother's name - segundo apellido (second last name). I find it unfathomable to change the name you were born with, and that identifies you as part of a family. It's your parents' blood that runs through your veins, not your husband's.
17
"Women are more likely to keep their names if they are older, not religious, have children from a previous marriage or have an advanced degree and established career." This made me chuckle -- every single one of these descriptions apply to me, and I chose to keep my name when I married my amazing husband a few years ago. I had a master's degree and two professional careers with lots of publications under my belt, I had a child from a prior relationship, mid 30s, not religious. Plus, I really identify with the Sicilian side of my family and love having a distinctive Italian name. My husband is a feminist and had interest in me giving up my name either. He said he wouldn't want to change his name, so why should I have to just because I'm a woman?
I hear people say that having the same surname makes things easier. But in my 8 years of parenting children with a different last name than me, I've never once encountered a single issue. And our family feels no less cohesive or strong.
Honestly, the whole process of a woman giving up her name seems to antiquated and retrograde. I'm always surprised when someone from my peer group does so. And it also surprises me that many men feel entitled to pressuring their fiance to do something they have no desire to do themselves. If the man feels so strongly about sharing a family name, maybe he should be the one to make the change.
Incidentally, I certainly wasn't a "maiden" when I married at 34. "Maiden name" is a bit archaic.
I hear people say that having the same surname makes things easier. But in my 8 years of parenting children with a different last name than me, I've never once encountered a single issue. And our family feels no less cohesive or strong.
Honestly, the whole process of a woman giving up her name seems to antiquated and retrograde. I'm always surprised when someone from my peer group does so. And it also surprises me that many men feel entitled to pressuring their fiance to do something they have no desire to do themselves. If the man feels so strongly about sharing a family name, maybe he should be the one to make the change.
Incidentally, I certainly wasn't a "maiden" when I married at 34. "Maiden name" is a bit archaic.
24
Interesting to know that in Italy, a woman must be known by her maiden name. At your local Population Office female citizens must be registered by their maiden names (it's a Big Brother society, all people must be registered in their city of official residence--but I digress). So although in the States I always used my married last name, when I divorced my Italian husband and moved here to Italy I had to use my maiden name--on driver's license, and all official identification (voting, health insurance, car registration....). Weird. For the first few months that I was back here in Italy, I couldn't get used to it. Now, being one of the few Kramers in the country, I've sort of gotten to like it. But can't decide if it's a step forward or b ack for women here.
When will the Times have an article about men changing their names upon marriage, and their reasons for or against doing it? As long as this is a "women's issue" and a one-way street, it is disingenuous to say that it is meaningless. And while we're at it, can we all agree that "maiden name" is a term straight out of the 50's and needs to go? I have a birth name, not a maiden name.
27
I never change my name when I get married. Saves time and money later ;-)
15
I didn't take my husband's last name. At the time, I was 31 and about to go to graduate school. When I told my fiancé my plans I went on for 20 minutes about all the practical reasons (having to run around and change everything including drivers license, passport, bank accounts, library card, credit card etc. and then having to change everything back if we ever got divorce). He really didn't care. I only stopped defending my decision because he wondered why I was still going on when he said okay after the first sentence. We still laugh about that. Anyway, I never knew anyone who didn't take their husband's last name. I came up with the idea on my own just to defend my own laziness and protect my sense of familiarity. It's been really cool to find out that I'm not alone.
9
If I took my partner's last name, I'd be Eileen Leen, which sounds at best singsongy. That's a practical reason for you.
12
I have a male friend who refuses to date a woman who will not take his last name if they decide to get married. He won't even except a hyphenated version. Needless to say, he does't date very often.
26
I gotta laugh. How does this work in practice? Around two-thirds of the way through the first date, he asks, "If we were to get married, would you change your name?" What woman, traditional or otherwise, would stick around for dessert?
11
I always find it weird that someone is telling someone ELSE what to do with their own name! I mean, are any women telling him what to do with his name??
9
My mother-in-law said nothing when my name stayed the same after marrying her son, but she didn't like it. A few years later, a magazine transposed our last names on our joint byline in a cover article. We laughed, and corrected the 24-point goof-up for our archival copy. But when my mother-in-law picked up the magazine in her hometown, she was mighty annoyed and called to ask, "Is that what the young people do now, too?"
4
My name is my identity. It's who i am. And my husband fell in love with ME; who *I* am. So why would I change my identity for him? Also, I'm very confused by the notion that having the same last name makes things easier "in terms of hotel reservations and things like that." I kept my birth name when I married and I have NEVER had a problem with reservations. Either I know which one of us made the reservation, or I just say "oh, maybe it's under XYZ."
21
The research may show this trend, but this has not been my experience at all. I and most of my friends are in our late thirties (and have gotten married sometime over the past decade), most of us have graduate degrees, we live in urban environments, and most of us have changed our names. Some of us have disliked our birth surname, others have had challenges with middle names they didn't like which they decided to supplant with their maiden names... Whatever the case, I can say that a clear majority of my peers have changed their names.
2
ehhh, that's what the article is saying. if 29.5% last year kept their name, the majority (almost 70%!) changed it.
funny, how men just about never have names they don't like or 'other challenges', eh?
funny, how men just about never have names they don't like or 'other challenges', eh?
19
So Brian, does that mean that you took your wife's name? Good for you!
6
I don't see how a birth name is just as patriarchal as a married name. I'll concede it is somewhat, yes, but my birth name is the only name I've ever had. I suppose I could change my birth name to distance myself from my father, but what's the point of that? He's passed, and no one infers anything about my economic or social status because of my name. On the other hand, choosing to change one's name at adulthood to that of a very much alive man does signal something. Women who say they change their name because it's more practical for hotel reservations or some similar reason are deluding themselves. They are adhering to tradition and just too afraid to admit it. I don't agree with that tradition, but I would think anyone who adheres to it should own the decision.
On another note...I don't have children; maybe that's why the idea of a woman giving birth to a child, perhaps assuming the chief responsibility for raising that child, and perhaps contributing significantly to economic security of that child and then giving that child someone else's last name just baffles me.
On another note...I don't have children; maybe that's why the idea of a woman giving birth to a child, perhaps assuming the chief responsibility for raising that child, and perhaps contributing significantly to economic security of that child and then giving that child someone else's last name just baffles me.
17
I think it's the other way around with having kids. It makes parents MORE inclined to want a shared name to declare the entire family as a unit. If each parent keeps their own name they can end up with kids who have a different name. And that causes many to be squeamish.
1
I understand completely the desire for a shared name. But if that shared name has to one that already belongs to one parent or the other, the mom's name just makes more sense to me.
14
I kept my last name. Getting married was "traumatic" enough (yes, it was my choice), I didn't need to lose my identity on top of that. When both my boys were born, I was delighted that they were identified with my last name for the first few days of their lives!
5
My mother uses both, depending on the situation. I only use my father's last name as hyphenating both is incredibly long and since it's African, hard to pronounce.
1
Keeping a maiden name is simply a sign of the times. Marriage has been cheapened as an institution. One week, McDonalds, another week, Burger King. And now that anyone can marry, and can marry in multitudes, I can see the reason why American women would prefer to keep their maiden names.
It certainly reduces the paperwork. Now divorce and remarriage can be as easy as changing cell phone carriers.
It certainly reduces the paperwork. Now divorce and remarriage can be as easy as changing cell phone carriers.
3
So the sacredness of marriage is, to you, defined by things like gender and name? As opposed to teamwork, respect, laughter, and unity. Interesting. (I might add that I just celebrated my tenth, child-free, heterosexual wedding anniversary the other month- and I kept my maiden name.)
6
I'm 32 and when I married 4 years ago, I told my husband I'd take his name if he took my name as his middle name, as that only seemed fair to me. He didn't want to change his name, and I didn't change mine either. We have a child now and he has my last name as his middle name. I also have a copy of his birth certificate in my purse in case we get any questions.
My friend group is pretty split on who took their husband's name. It seemingly came down to two reasons: 1) People wanted to get rid of their last name and 2) laziness. Just my two cents.
My friend group is pretty split on who took their husband's name. It seemingly came down to two reasons: 1) People wanted to get rid of their last name and 2) laziness. Just my two cents.
4
When I got married, I made the following deal with my husband. "I'll change my name if you do all of the work to change it." 10 years later, my legal name is still my maiden name...
So anything related to work, health or the law, I always go by my legal maiden name. Everything else, I refer to myself personally as my "married" name. It hasn't been too problematic, especially if you can clearly define what is legal vs personal context.
So anything related to work, health or the law, I always go by my legal maiden name. Everything else, I refer to myself personally as my "married" name. It hasn't been too problematic, especially if you can clearly define what is legal vs personal context.
7
What is most shocking is that electric companies, banks, etc. have no way to cope with joint accounts with different names. They are always asking for the social security number of the "primary account holder". Service industries are still not set up to accommodate partners with different names. Gay marriage adds another wrinkle--I suspect that fewer same sex partners change their names.
7
i am convinced some companies limit the number of people on the bill, so that they can charge more fees. One elderly couple (same last name/same address) that i knew had a cable company that would only put ONE name on the account. So they put the mans name on the account. which is pretty typical for that generation.
When he died, she called the cable company (mistake=but she thought she had to), to say that he had passed and she needed the account to be moved to her name. They told her they needed a copy of the death certificate or else she would have to pay for installation because she was a "new account". The person talking to her said that she shouldn't even be speaking to her because although she knew the social security number of the account holder, she had no right to the account info.
My own cable company( different from hers) will only allow one name on bill. No one else can even be listed as an authorized person to talk about the account. I'm quite sure, that it is done make the customer pay more. It has to be the reason. The software where you can have 2 account holders is quite common. My electric company will allow 2 people on the bill, the cable company will not.
When he died, she called the cable company (mistake=but she thought she had to), to say that he had passed and she needed the account to be moved to her name. They told her they needed a copy of the death certificate or else she would have to pay for installation because she was a "new account". The person talking to her said that she shouldn't even be speaking to her because although she knew the social security number of the account holder, she had no right to the account info.
My own cable company( different from hers) will only allow one name on bill. No one else can even be listed as an authorized person to talk about the account. I'm quite sure, that it is done make the customer pay more. It has to be the reason. The software where you can have 2 account holders is quite common. My electric company will allow 2 people on the bill, the cable company will not.
1
How in earth does having only one person listed as the account holder make anyone have to pay more??
When I married 30 years ago, friends and family were shocked that I did not take my husband’s last name. Of course the only reply I found applicable was he could have taken my last name, but chose not to.
Keeping my last name was always a fundamental belief I’ve held close to my heart because I was born and raised a Marten and therefore a Marten I was. I was also a little fearful of giving up any sense of independence if I took my husband’s last name. We were not going to have children so neither of us thought it crucial that I change my name (my husband was a progressive man, even back then).
Funny, to this day, I still get a rush whenever someone calls me Mrs. Banks (my husband’s name). I love hearing the sound of it but don’t feel the need to use it socially or professionally.
Keeping my last name was always a fundamental belief I’ve held close to my heart because I was born and raised a Marten and therefore a Marten I was. I was also a little fearful of giving up any sense of independence if I took my husband’s last name. We were not going to have children so neither of us thought it crucial that I change my name (my husband was a progressive man, even back then).
Funny, to this day, I still get a rush whenever someone calls me Mrs. Banks (my husband’s name). I love hearing the sound of it but don’t feel the need to use it socially or professionally.
11
My wife kept her maiden name as her legal middle name.
So sort of split the difference.
So sort of split the difference.
4
I have heard brides say that having different last names creates a lot of headaches and this article features such sentiments as well. I disagree. I kept my maiden name and have never had any troubles with this. Similarly, women sometimes say things are easier if you have the same last name as your kids. Again, I beg to differ. We did something pretty unortodox and split last names by gender: my daughter has mine, my son has my husband's. I occasionally will proactively sign emails with (mother of xxx), but that's the extent of the troubles that come along with our decision. So if you like your name, keep it. The downsides are really overblown.
152
Yeah! My mother's daughters have her last name. I think this is a great solution.
1
After seeing my mother and mother-in-law change their names after each marriage, keeping my name was a no brainer (also, as a writer, it was my trademark, so to speak.) My ex didn't care much, and the kids got his name If there was any need to clearly identify that I was there mother, I simply hyphenated. Never had any trouble. Strangely though, it was my strongly feminist mother, she who sat me down in the '70s with her first issue of Ms. Magazine with Wonder Woman on the cover, who chafed the most at this course of (non) action. "If you loved him, you'd take his name," she repeatedly told me. Whaaa? "He can take my name if he loves me that much," I'd reply. She still sent me mail addressed to Mrs. Man-I-Married for years. Guess old conventions die hard.
37
In Italy, a country not particularly known to be on the forefront of civil rights and gender equality, since the 70's both spouses keep their birth name and have to legally change it if they want to adopt or add their partner's name, which is so cumbersome here that nobody bothers to go through. Children though still automatically take on their father's name if the parents are married, and as for same-sex couples, well...
27
Having watched the nightmare of an elderly aunt who had been divorced, remarried and widowed and needed her drivers license renewed, I declined to change my name when I recently remarried. In 1989, I had taken my then husband's name, but used my maiden as my middle. After a 10-year marriage, I went back to my maiden name. I just did not have the time or energy to change everything again including my professional license. For years I was called by my first husband's last name because of our children; now I am often addressed by my new husband's name. It rarely bothers more with one exception. School district personnel always wrote dear "Mrs. X" or even "Mrs. Y." no matter how many times I signed things as "Ms. Y." (I could have lived with the wrong name but the Mrs. really bugged me.)
42
In addition to keeping my name, I also gave my daughters my last name. My sons were given their father's last name.
58
This is interesting, but hardly challenges gender norms. It reinforces them
2
When I married in 1982, I had a career that I'd built using my birth name and I just could not become this new person, so I kept mine. My mom asked, "Why'd you get married if you don't want to change your name?" I started getting mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. His Name; a woman at work told me it was legally required to change my name; a property tax bill after a house purchase came with my last name changed to my husband's, even though the escrow documents showed my name. It seemed as if people were reconstructing my life. Our children have my husband's last name and mine as a middle name. Our 30-year-old daughter married last summer and, to my surprise, she kept her birth name. I find it gratifying that she "just couldn't" change her name.
60
What delusional times we live in. Biological sex and race are pieces of a "constructed identity" that can be shed on a whim, but a woman's maiden name -- a meaningless construct if there ever was one -- is jealously guarded as sacrosanct and unchangeable.
22
Hey Mark. If a person's name is such a meaningless construct, then why don't you change yours?
7
A person's last name reflects his or her familial and cultural heritage and identity. In what way is this a meaningless construct?
5
Always fascinated when something a woman holds as important is considered a meaningless construct.... by men who have never had to consider what their name means to them in the context of marriage.
4
It is incredible to me that in the 21st century, women -- including educated, high-earning women -- continue to take their husbands' last names. Why, why, why do women continue supporting this flea-bitten custom which represents so thoroughly and completely the notion that women give up their identities to their husbands when they marry? To see this hideous tradition continue is so dispiriting to those of us who, more than a generation ago, did everything we could to forge a path to women's equality. (And to see a New York Times article refer to "maiden names" rather than the appropriate term, "birth names," is almost equally dispiriting.)
Not for anything would I have taken my husband's name. People would scratch their heads and ask me why not. My response was always the same: "Because I already have a perfectly good name of my own."
The Times article quotes Laurie Scheuble as saying that the pressure is "huge" on women to take their husbands' last name and that "This is the strongest gendered social norm that we enforce and expect." I wish with all my heart that women would stand up to this pressure and keep their own names as the surest sign of their independence -- and of their right to be treated equally with men. (It would be interesting to see statistics on the name-change choices of women whose mothers kept their birth names.)
I'm proud to say that both of my daughters kept their last names when they married. I certainly hope my granddaughters do so too.
Not for anything would I have taken my husband's name. People would scratch their heads and ask me why not. My response was always the same: "Because I already have a perfectly good name of my own."
The Times article quotes Laurie Scheuble as saying that the pressure is "huge" on women to take their husbands' last name and that "This is the strongest gendered social norm that we enforce and expect." I wish with all my heart that women would stand up to this pressure and keep their own names as the surest sign of their independence -- and of their right to be treated equally with men. (It would be interesting to see statistics on the name-change choices of women whose mothers kept their birth names.)
I'm proud to say that both of my daughters kept their last names when they married. I certainly hope my granddaughters do so too.
170
And what last name did your children have?
2
When we married 21 years ago, my wife took my last name, although I said I'd be perfectly fine if she used her maiden name. But what she really wanted was to be rid of her first husband's last name, which she had taken 10 years earlier, and thought having 3 last names in our family: mine, hers, and her young son with her ex's last name, would be just too confusing. As it was she was often called Mrs. "Ex" in dealing with doctors, teachers & even friends of her son - but she always corrected them.
3
Think about it ladies.. how many married women claim the right to govern their own reproductive system but can’t bring themselves to claim the right to their own name?
62
I think the point is that each woman DOES claim the right to govern their own name, whether that means keeping their birth name or changing it to their husband's name upon marriage.
1
When my husband and I married in 1980, after 5 years of living together, buying a house and a car together, I never considered changing the name I had had for 31 years. Our three daughters all have his surname (easier to spell and pronounce) with my surname as a middle name. There have never been ANY problems, ever, and hotel reservations have always been easy, no matter which name we have used.
42
It doesn't matter to me one way or the other (my first wife changed her last name to mine, my second one did not), but be aware of at least one practical (and legal) pitfall:
If your surname is not the same as your husband's on your ID, and it should become necessary to make emergency decisions for, say, trauma medical care, you had better have a copy of your marriage license or power of attorney paperwork with you at all times. Emergency room doctors in many states will NOT simply take your word that you're married, even if you live at the same address, and will not consult you in any necessary decisions.
It used to be sufficient to simply identify yourself as the spouse, but no longer, it seems. This was brought to our attention in a very practical manner recently, so beware.
If your surname is not the same as your husband's on your ID, and it should become necessary to make emergency decisions for, say, trauma medical care, you had better have a copy of your marriage license or power of attorney paperwork with you at all times. Emergency room doctors in many states will NOT simply take your word that you're married, even if you live at the same address, and will not consult you in any necessary decisions.
It used to be sufficient to simply identify yourself as the spouse, but no longer, it seems. This was brought to our attention in a very practical manner recently, so beware.
39
thank you for sharing this. This is a very important piece of info. I must say I do wonder what doctors do when single adults need medical care. I don't believe most moms of adult children routinely carry around their child's birth certificate, with divorce and remarriage many single adults do not share a name of address with their mom or dad.
Really makes me wonder what the documentation policies are. I have a feeling that they vary widely. And of course, no one gets to chose their hospital in an emergency.
Thank you for bringing up this important issue, it is truly appreciated.
Really makes me wonder what the documentation policies are. I have a feeling that they vary widely. And of course, no one gets to chose their hospital in an emergency.
Thank you for bringing up this important issue, it is truly appreciated.
1
The premise that keeping one's name is, can, or should be tied to professional identity or accomplishment is wrongheaded. From that perspective, women are held to, and hold themselves to, an entirely different standard than men. You hear in this article and in the comments: "I had a successful career so I kept my name." But any human is more than her or his work, as precious or meaningful as work is. And for people whose work is not the ultimate source of meaning in their life, is their deep identity and individuality less important than that of "professionally successful people"? Why does a woman have to be professionally successful to deserve to cherish her name? A name should not be tied to success, or to a man--both external criteria, worldly glories which can come and go. Your name is you. Keep it because no has the right to take it away from you. Keep it for the sake of your dignity.
79
You may be misunderstanding the context of the importance of a woman retaining her birth/maiden name professionally. Your entire career history and reputation can be wiped out the moment you no longer identify with your birth/maiden name, particularly in a big company. Your colleagues may not know who you are, clients are sure to be clueless, and any work that you may have done (published articles, etc.) under a different name won't be retroactively updated to reflect your new identity. You are essentially forcing yourself to start all over again in your career, and, really, who wants to do that?
(And as an aside, yes, you can send out an email - which many recipients can miss - stating that you are now known with your married name. One former colleague did just that, "Hi, I'm now to be known as X", but forgot to mention the name she used to go by. But because she emailed it after IT updated her account to her new name, no one could figure out who had sent it. So the old woman was effectively gone and no one knew how to get in touch with her under her new name. Epic fail.)
(And as an aside, yes, you can send out an email - which many recipients can miss - stating that you are now known with your married name. One former colleague did just that, "Hi, I'm now to be known as X", but forgot to mention the name she used to go by. But because she emailed it after IT updated her account to her new name, no one could figure out who had sent it. So the old woman was effectively gone and no one knew how to get in touch with her under her new name. Epic fail.)
2
I always find this topic a little unsettling. A woman's "maiden" name is just as patriarchal as her husband's name; it is her father's name after all. Keeping one man's name (from birth) over taking another man's name (from marriage) doesn't seem that different to me. So for me, I just choose the name that sounds better! Pure aesthetics.
37
I understand the desire to share a family name with spouse and children -- it's a nice symbol of unity. What I don't understand is why a woman should take her husband's name, or hyphenate her name, while the man keeps his name unchanged.
75
You are correct that the unity concept can be served either way. My wife is one of three sisters and I contemplated taking her name just to ensure the name passed on, but she insisted taking mine. It would have been uncomfortable for me but not insurmountable
As I told the movers who addressed me as "Mrs. X", shortly after our 1970 wedding, "I married him; he didn't adopt me." I still feel the same way. But I made a very bad deal on naming our children. All our sons would have his last name and my last name as their middle name. Our daughters would have my last name and his last name as their middle name. We had two sons -- of course!
30
The most important reason to keep your name is that your name is your identity! All the accomplishments, awards, sports victories, degrees, professional success associated with your "maiden" name are gone once you change your name. You become a nobody. Even worse, you and the children you make are stamped with your husbands name as if you are his property. No thanks to that!
66
Given yesterday's SCOTUS decision, I hope that we can now move away from using the term "maiden name" and use, instead, "birth name," "given name," or (gasp!) "name!" I kept my name when I married and my family feels no less a unit than a family with one name shared by all. I have to say that my own birth family, the ones with whom I share a last name, still, after nearly 30 years, use my husband's surname as mine! Some habits die hard.
I'm curious; what are people with hyphenated names (both parents) doing about their children's names, assuming that people will not hyphenate indefinitely?
I'm curious; what are people with hyphenated names (both parents) doing about their children's names, assuming that people will not hyphenate indefinitely?
34
Neither my wife nor I changed our names when we married. Another lesbian couple I knew decided to scrap their "maiden" names. They picked a surname that pleased them, and both changed their names to that.
Since gay marriage is now legal in every state, and many younger gay couples are choosing to have children (by birth or adoption), I wonder what the new custom will be. And whether that will affect the choices of heterosexual couples.
Since gay marriage is now legal in every state, and many younger gay couples are choosing to have children (by birth or adoption), I wonder what the new custom will be. And whether that will affect the choices of heterosexual couples.
18
One thing that always strikes me when visiting the U.S. is how many women take their husband's last name. In Canada the woman must legally change their name as a separate process and few do. It seems like an odd, dated custom to me now, and I can only wonder whether it's passing will be accelerated by the broader cultural changes accompanying gay marriage.
47
It seems like people see this issue in two ways. One is that symbols (in this case, taking another name) matter. The other is that it's just a matter of tradition and that it carries no symbolic weight. Hmm, where have I heard a very similar discussion in recent weeks??
13
Everything about a woman "being practical" is political; the personal IS political. Thank you, second-wave feminism!
21
I married in 1968 and kept my own name. I never considered myself a "maiden" so I used my own name. I subsequently became a licensed civil engineer and boy - was I glad I kept my name. Changing a name on a state license such as that is difficult. We have been married for 47 years so I think it lasted LOL.
As for our children, we named the boys with my husband's last name and the girls with mine. It was never a problem for us with schools either, but we live in New Jersey, not the middle of the country.
As for our children, we named the boys with my husband's last name and the girls with mine. It was never a problem for us with schools either, but we live in New Jersey, not the middle of the country.
37
One of the women in the article who took her husband's name said she thought it would be easier "for hotel reservations". Huh. I've kept my own name, been married 18 years, and never had any problem with hotel reservations anywhere in the world. I suppose it helps that neither my husband nor I have any problem being called "Mr. Herlastname" or "Mrs. Hislastname".
26
I kept my name when I married. The kids have hyphenated last names. At times they were not happy with it, mainly because of its length. But after the divorce they were glad to still have my name, too. When I remarried my new husband wanted me to change it but I wanted to keep it in solidarity with the kids.
9
Ever since I was a teenager in the early 80's, I knew that when I got married, I was going to keep my name. Especially as I grew older, obtained three college degrees, I'm proud of me, my accomplishments, and my name. Any man who can't respect that will not have the honor of marrying me. I'm as proud of my name as he is of his. I'm no one's property.
43
My husband and I both kept our last names when we got married. But, when we learned we were pregnant, I balked at the idea of my child having a different last name than one of us. I talked to some adults who had hyphenated names, and they tended to regard them as a nuisance or an embarrassment. So, we went to the courthouse and paid $140 to combine our last names (Jones and Jackson) to JoJack. My husband wasn't that excited about it, but he followed through. The most romantic gesture of our marriage.
17
Not only did I not change my (oft-mispronounced) name upon marriage, our prenuptial agreement was that girls would get my last name, and boys would get his. And now we have one girl child and she has my last name. It has only been a issue once, and it was a minor one, when the school system assumed that she must be my husband's stepchild and that he was not her legal guardian. I set them straight, and all's well in our household.
18
i remember those many years ago when my husband and I both decided to keep our birth names (neither of us was a "maiden") some people worried that if we had children they would become confused by our different names, or it represented distance between us, or something. Well, 34 years and counting later, I can report that it all went fine -- by the time our son figured out the last name thing, he had called us "Mommy" and "Daddy" for so long that he knew exactly who we were. And now he and his wife carry their own birth names, and noone seems confused about that, either!
21
How odd to call Hilary Rodham Clinton's choice a "new answer." I'm in my 60's and always thought that the common and traditional practice in a woman's taking her husband's last name automatically included giving up her "maiden" middle name and adopting her "maiden" surname as her middle name. So, Susan Jane Smith marries Bob Jones and becomes Susan Smith Jones. This article implies a common practice wherein Susan would become Susan Jane Jones. Never heard of that. I believe Hilary's choice is the traditional one in my part of the culture. But, then, when I married at age 40 in the 80's, it didn't occur to me to change my name so I never looked into it. My mother and all of her generation on both sides of the family adopted their original surnames as middle names upon marriage. Second comment: In a practice I find odd, some women of my generation or younger call themselves "Mrs. Susan Jones" in my example above. I was taught that this name is reserved for a divorced woman. She is no longer a Miss, doesn't want to use Ms. so is "Mrs Jones" but certainly no longer "Mrs. Bob Jones." In a similar vein, a recently-married friend is calling herself "Mrs. Susan Jones" and I find this very odd. If she wanted to be "Mrs." then call it what it is: Mrs. Bob Jones. She is either Susan Jones or Ms. Susan Jones but she is not Mrs. Susan Jones. I guess she may not care about tradition or etiquette of names per the manners books but it is distracting and odd.
9
To those who think that taking a husband's name is simply a matter of creating a shared name/identity for the family, and not a matter of equality, consider this line from the story: "Rarely, a man takes a woman’s name."
It almost seems preposterous that a man would give up his name/identity to take a woman's. I wouldn't have dreamed of seriously asking my husband to do that. And he never asked me to *give up* my name.
It almost seems preposterous that a man would give up his name/identity to take a woman's. I wouldn't have dreamed of seriously asking my husband to do that. And he never asked me to *give up* my name.
28
Warning! If you hyphenate, you will never be able to check in on line for a flight where they need to scan your passport first! But I'm glad I did it, as it represents both of the families to which I belong.
2
It has always seemed weird to me that a person would change their name after twenty five years or so already having a name.
32
If the idea came up now to let women lose their name when they get married, it would be hooted out of the room. I had a colleague who used her husband's name for the first 10 years of her career, then got a divorce and hence a forced name change. For a scientist with a sizable publication record, that is a very big problem. Why do women do that to themselves? The name change indicates a new existence for a woman after marriage, as the husband's instead of the father's property. I would hope those days are gone, and the crazy tradition of name changing will go the same way very soon.
33
In other parts of the world women do not take the surnames of their husbands, and this is more common than in the west in which they do.
A surname gives lineage and ancestry. Marriage des not change the fact that one is born, for example. 'Smith', nor does taking another's name change that simple fact. Keeping one's own parental name should be the norm, not the exception. Children acquire their father's names in most cases; but in some matrilineal societies they take their mother's.
In Arab traditions to acknowledge the mother of the child, oum is used -like Sarah oum Salal (Sarah, mother of Salal. ) For daughters it is bint Rachida (daughter of Rachida ).
A surname gives lineage and ancestry. Marriage des not change the fact that one is born, for example. 'Smith', nor does taking another's name change that simple fact. Keeping one's own parental name should be the norm, not the exception. Children acquire their father's names in most cases; but in some matrilineal societies they take their mother's.
In Arab traditions to acknowledge the mother of the child, oum is used -like Sarah oum Salal (Sarah, mother of Salal. ) For daughters it is bint Rachida (daughter of Rachida ).
5
I did not take my husband's name when we married four years ago. We considered coming up with a new combined name for both of us to adopt, but were never able to think of anything satisfactory. The only time we encounter an issue is when we take our pets to the vet and cannot recall who is listed as the owner for which pet. At Christmas, we do enjoy a friendly rivalry surrounding how many cards are addressed to the B___ family vs. the S___ family.
8
Teacher after teacher in elementary school called me the "little girl with the big name." So when I got married I took my husband's name, which was shorter and easier to spell. It felt strange for a few months but soon came to feel like me. My daughter, on the other hand, was jolted by the change from an Italian to an Anglo last name. She compensated by giving her children Italian first names to help them retain their heritage.
3
When I was little I thought I'd have to become an actress or marry a cousin if I wanted to keep my name. I thought changing one's name is silly...after all, it's my name. I eventually figured out that I could keep it without becoming an actress or marrying my cousin. Most women I know have kept their own names. After all, it's the name we were given and grew up with. Fine if you choose to change it, by why to the husband's name? Perhaps a coin flip would be the best way to determine which name to adopt?
11
When I was married in 1970 at the tender age of 21, I took my husband’s name. After my divorce three years later, I wanted a fresh start. Yet rather than take back my maiden name – which was both difficult to pronounce and a reminder of a childhood I wanted to forget – I changed my last name to that of my paternal grandmother. When I remarried in 1981, I decided I had had enough names so kept the one I gave myself.
My current husband and I spent many years working in the same field; having a different last name allowed me to hold on to my own identity rather than continually be referred to as someone’s wife. Since we don’t have children together, having different last names has rarely been problematic. However, it has often lead to humorous misunderstandings. Since my first name is “sexually ambiguous,” it is often assumed that my husband and I are a gay couple [not that there’s anything wrong with that!]
My current husband and I spent many years working in the same field; having a different last name allowed me to hold on to my own identity rather than continually be referred to as someone’s wife. Since we don’t have children together, having different last names has rarely been problematic. However, it has often lead to humorous misunderstandings. Since my first name is “sexually ambiguous,” it is often assumed that my husband and I are a gay couple [not that there’s anything wrong with that!]
10
Credit suffragist Lucy Stone with pioneering the retention of maiden names -- the term "Lucy Stoner" was applied to those who emulated her.... Sally McMillen's fine recent biography has the details on this most idiosyncratic woman....
10
I think all the fuss about "symbols of patriarchy" is a little overblown. After all, marriage itself has deep roots in patriarchy. And for a women who makes feminist claims to keeping her "own" name, whose name is that but her father's? In the 21st century, women should feel free to choose either way. I have kept my father's name, but see nothing to criticize in the woman who wants her name to reflect that she and her husband are a family unit.
14
Actually your name is just as much yours as it is your father's. He also got it from his father so no difference there.
1
I still use my maiden name. Love that word maiden! I was married in the 1960s and changed my name for five years. who was I? scary. and yes i had to go to court to get my own name back. then i re-married and kept my own name, of course.
my mom -- born in 1916 and married in 1939 -- kept her maiden name all her life. but when she died we added her long-married married name to her tombstone, an adamant request on her part. that's who i am, she said, in her final months.
they have it right in iceland. so-and-so's "dottir" or "son." i would like that.
my mom -- born in 1916 and married in 1939 -- kept her maiden name all her life. but when she died we added her long-married married name to her tombstone, an adamant request on her part. that's who i am, she said, in her final months.
they have it right in iceland. so-and-so's "dottir" or "son." i would like that.
9
I married at 38 and kept my maiden name. 10 years later I asked my daughters if they would like me to change my name to theirs (which is the same as their dads - that's an issue in and of itself!). They said an emphatic "NO". Keeping my name has worked for me!
6
When my husband and I got married in 1995, I was almost 33. I couldn't see any reason to change the last name I'd had for more than 3 decades. My husband wasn't happy about it, but he understood (especially after I suggested he could always change and take MY name!) My parents, who were conservative Republicans, were surprisingly pleased I kept my name. The only person who tried to talk me out of it was a friend, who said she thought a shared name implied more unity; she warned me that it would be tough once we had kids. I scoffed. Now we have two kids, and guess what? She was right! I refer to myself as "Mrs. [husband's last name]" every time I deal with their school, pediatrician, etc. In fact, I call myself by that name more than I do by my real/maiden name, which I really only use at work. We are celebrating our 20th anniversary this August, and I'm thinking seriously of changing my name as my "gift" to him and the kids. Although I dread the legal hassles and red tape I'm bound to encounter, I now understand what my friend was talking about....
5
When I got married, I faced many critical questions from my in-laws over my decision not to change my name, despite the fact that they considered themselves to be quite liberal. I was shocked, mostly because I found it hard to believe that someone else was telling me what I should call myself, without taking any of my own opinions or my significant career identity into account. Whether to change or keep a last name should be a woman's choice, and her choice only. I have friends who kept their last names and I have friends who changed theirs. They're still the same wonderful friends they always were. I don't think I have the right to pass any kind of judgment on what they choose to call themselves.
8
I kept my name when I got married. My husband and I have two kids, and for them we combined our last names into a new name, not hyphenated, but rather like a portmanteau word. So our kids have a different last name than we do. We have had zero problems with it -- despite concerns we heard from relatives when we explained our 'crazy' idea.
8
“It’s not necessarily a feminist reason, but it’s just my name for 33 years of my life,” [it's who I am] Ms. Suh said. “Plus, I’m Asian and he’s not, so it’s less confusing for me to not have a white name. [I'm not being "absorbed" into his family and culture.] And on social media I thought it might be harder to find me.” [I have established a social life of my own.]
Guess what, Ms. Suh? Those are all feminist reasons.
Guess what, Ms. Suh? Those are all feminist reasons.
61
I once read about a system where, when a couple married they hyphenated their family names, and their children were given that hyphenated name. When the children grew up and married, the sons dropped the part of their hyphenated name that came from their mother, and the daughters dropped that half that came from their father, and the children of both genders adopted the :missing" name-part from their respective spouses. In this way, both male and females lines are honored and names never grow bigger than a single hyphen.
This system always seemed to me to be eminently logical and fair.
This system always seemed to me to be eminently logical and fair.
26
Kept my family name when I married for the first time in my mid-40s. It was easy. In fact, kept in my own name all my own property and bank accounts, except for one joint account, which made it easier when my husband died suddenly 6 years later. But it took me years to get the local electric company (for our vacation home in SC) to change the name on the bill from Mrs. My First Name Husband's Last Name to mine. When I was back on vacation, I finally presented myself to the local office to request a change to my name . . . , which the company finally honored. It bothers me when I see lists of donors to charities or whatever as Mr. and Mrs. His First Name His Last Name. To me, she's just a cipher in that configuration.
28
My husband and I both hyphenated our names. We wanted the same last name (although we don't plan on having children), and since neither of us were established in our careers we figured why not? The whole process was a bit amusing. People were all smiles when I filled out the forms (at th DMV, social security office, etc.), but became confused and hostile when my husband would start to fill out his.
Our decision was definitely a feminist statement in our minds, but we probably would have kept our names had we been established in our careers.
Our decision was definitely a feminist statement in our minds, but we probably would have kept our names had we been established in our careers.
25
I got married at age 23, and so I was not that long out of high school when the name issue came up. While I was growing up, and even in college, I had a significant number of friends who called me by nicknames formed off of my last name. So I kind of felt that there could be a kind of distancing if I changed my name -- a distancing either from my new surname, if I took my husband's but continued to identify with what my friends were calling me, or from my friends if I identified completely with a new surname. I also liked my maiden name, I liked it in combination with my first name better than I liked the way my first name sounded with my husband's surname (which his father had changed from a more ethnic-sounding name). I did not feel like the person implied by my name plus the surname that happened to be my husband's. I also thought I might be exposed to less anti-Semitism to my face if I kept my maiden name. So I kept it. That did not go over well with everyone in my husband's family. Having kept my maiden name actually came in handy recently, as I was making arrangements to receive my deceased parents' mail at my address -- same last name and the Post Office has less trouble delivering it all to my address.
10
I kept my ex's last name after a divorce. I'd had the name longer than my birth name and it was my professional name. Now and then I think about changing it, but I wouldn't chose my birth name, maybe something ecological or cosmic. "Ms. SuperNova, the doctor will see you now."
19
In keeping my name after marriage, I was aware that it wasn't a statement against patriarchy, since my last name is my father's, but just a statement of my own identity - I didn't think my husband needed to change his name, and nor did I feel the need to change mine. Our children share a last name, but one that is different from both my husband's and mine, and that was a statement against our own last names (which identify your caste and region in India). Am happy to explain all of this to all those confused by the many last names in our little family.
39
When I married in the early '80s, choosing to keep my birth name wasn't a feminist statement so much as a matter of practicality ( why go through the hassle of changing it legally?) and professional considerations. Still, my husband's family and even mine never respected the choice; greeting cards were always sent to MyFirstName HisLastName, and they introduced me to others that way.
Worse, at that time American Airlines' frequent flier program would not recognize a couple as married if their last names weren't identical ( and points weren't otherwise transferable then)-- infuriating! (They did correct the policy eventually.)
In all the years since, I've only used my husband's name a handful of times, when dealing with tradespeople or contractors he contacted first, for quick identification when no lasting relationship was necessary.
Worse, at that time American Airlines' frequent flier program would not recognize a couple as married if their last names weren't identical ( and points weren't otherwise transferable then)-- infuriating! (They did correct the policy eventually.)
In all the years since, I've only used my husband's name a handful of times, when dealing with tradespeople or contractors he contacted first, for quick identification when no lasting relationship was necessary.
20
I got married in 1978 and retained my birth name. Initially, this was definitely bucking the traditional trend, and I was at times confronted by sales people, such as buying our first car together. My reasons were political and I have never regretted this choice.
I also think a more preferable term is "birth name." "Maiden name" is very freighted.
I also think a more preferable term is "birth name." "Maiden name" is very freighted.
127
I believe I understand your point. On the other hand, the meaning of "maiden name" is precise. A "birth name" is the name a child is given at birth, i.e., his or her first name, or Christian name, or simply "name" as in "What is the baby's name?" The last name or family name is inherited. In addition, "maiden" is easier to pronounce and sweeter to hear than "birth."
1
I agree. Maiden is archaic. It is MY name , not my maiden name. I battled my own family to keep it. Of course, now that I am older, we get many embarrassing moments and laughs when we get to a restaurant and can't remember whose name the reservations was made under. I think they think we are trying to steal someone else's reservation.
I too do not like the word "maiden" and use "family name." I like "birth name" much better and shall use that from now on.
6
Many other cultures and languages other than English have confronted this issue, too. Some combine the names with a connection similar to a hyphen to honor both families in a marriage arrangement. In some cultures, daughters take the name of their mother, sons take the name of their fathers.
As with other choices that reflect how each of us is identified to the rest of the world, names offer options. Nicknames are so common among some families that even close relatives don't know the official birth name of a family member. Professional names taken by those who act, write or pursue other artistic careers have a long tradition rooted in practicality or aesthetics. Some names are difficult to use in English; some names can be a handicap in one's chosen profession (Dr. Paine?) In the short history of the US, changing from using one's father's surname to one's husband's surname does still have the whiff of transferring "ownership".
I admire those who choose to identify themselves to the world at large with a name selected as an adult whether that means keeping a name attached to achievements or changing to a name which reflects love united and achievements to come.
For anyone who does change a name, this current atmosphere of "security concerns" creates additional hurdles for transactions of all kinds. This alone is one very good reason to keep the name placed on one's birth certificate.
As with other choices that reflect how each of us is identified to the rest of the world, names offer options. Nicknames are so common among some families that even close relatives don't know the official birth name of a family member. Professional names taken by those who act, write or pursue other artistic careers have a long tradition rooted in practicality or aesthetics. Some names are difficult to use in English; some names can be a handicap in one's chosen profession (Dr. Paine?) In the short history of the US, changing from using one's father's surname to one's husband's surname does still have the whiff of transferring "ownership".
I admire those who choose to identify themselves to the world at large with a name selected as an adult whether that means keeping a name attached to achievements or changing to a name which reflects love united and achievements to come.
For anyone who does change a name, this current atmosphere of "security concerns" creates additional hurdles for transactions of all kinds. This alone is one very good reason to keep the name placed on one's birth certificate.
7
The name issue for women is a form of "divide and conquer." A married woman gets split in two. Whatever a married woman decides to do with her name, the fact remains that she will spend many more minutes, hours of her life than a man responding, correcting, explaining, justifying, reminding, all regarding the question of her name. That is vital time that could be spent more productively, or enjoyably, in this brief life we have. And it's not fair if only one sex has to deal with it, when it could be avoided. Yet, marriage remains a beautiful promise and journey, despite frequent monitoring that my name is left intact!
31
I hyphenated my name mostly because my marriage was illegal nationally until 1967, it seemed symbolic of solidarity. However, I use my "maiden" name in everyday use. I'm not addressed by my husband's name and I still have a hodge-podge of identification in my solo name and hyphenated name.
It's my second marriage, I have one grown child who has a different name from mine as I did not change my name for my first marriage.
I do find the name change has a sexist slant and even my current choice makes me a bit uncomfortable. However, feminism is/was about being able to have these choices.
It's my second marriage, I have one grown child who has a different name from mine as I did not change my name for my first marriage.
I do find the name change has a sexist slant and even my current choice makes me a bit uncomfortable. However, feminism is/was about being able to have these choices.
8
When my husband and I married in 1987, we each had established careers as journalists. I kept my name personally and professionally, both to maintain my byline and because my Japanese surname holds great personal significance.
My favorite comment came from my husband, when a scandalized relative asked why his wife-to-be wasn't changing her name. His straight-faced answer: "We thought it would be silly to have two people named Steve."
Twenty-eight years later, that guy still makes me laugh every day.
My favorite comment came from my husband, when a scandalized relative asked why his wife-to-be wasn't changing her name. His straight-faced answer: "We thought it would be silly to have two people named Steve."
Twenty-eight years later, that guy still makes me laugh every day.
192
Way back in the '60s when I was quite young, my otherwise pathologically conservative father explained that a woman always kept the named that identified her professional accomplishments.
27
I did a hyphen on my first marriage back in '77. What an outrage! What a mess! Kept the hyphen after divorce, married him again, kept the hyphen. Gave the hyphen to my son. He thinks it's fine. Legally, he is the hyphen, but professionally he uses his great-great-grandmother's maiden name. I'm back to my maiden name but seriously thinking of changing it to my great-grandmother's, too. And, yes, I still get mail for the hyphen even though I've been divorced and re-maidenize since '96. Corporate America is clueless.
8
You need a one-word name. :-)
5
When I married I hyphenated my name. My family name is not English and is difficult to pronounce and spell. My spouse's name doesn't pose such a problem. People would look at the first name decide they couldn't pronounce it and call me by the second name. I never use "Mrs" because I prefer to maintain my individuality and independence. Your economic status is important especially if you work and wish to establish your own credit rating. Privacy laws threw a huge roadblock into whether a spouse could even talk to a rep about an account in your spouse's name. I pay all the bills but my husband has to give them permission to speak with me. If you don't have your name on an account as a co-user you may have difficulty getting an account if you ever need one in your name because they won't have a payment history on you. A few years ago I reverted to my family name and I had to provide proof of my name even though I never dropped it. These days there are more hurdles because of security issues like identity theft. Keep your "maiden" name. It is a lot easier in the long run.
11
I changed my name when I got married because, frankly, it sounded better with my first name than the surname I was born with, and it's easier to spell. It was an aesthetic choice. After divorcing, I had a fleeting urge to shed my ex's name, but the thought of returning to my father's name was unacceptable (not to mention the aesthics). I considered legally changing my surname to my mother's or grandmother's maiden name, but the hassle and expense were barriers. So I am who I have become with a borrowed surname.
8
A good friend of mine, with a similar preference for her ex husband's name for aesthetics - she always says the best thing she got out of her first marriage was her name! She did not change her name in her second marriage.
1
Interesting article. I married in my 40s, after building a name for myself professionally. I chose to hyphenate my birth and married name for professional reasons, and also because I thought it would be easier for medical providers to get access to my health history. I wanted to have my husband's name because I believe symbols matter and I wanted the symbol of our union that a common name provided. Professionally, I go by a hyphenated name but personally I use my husband's name.
3
I'm puzzled by women who think that when they keep their own names it isn't a "feminist" decision. That just goes to show how the term "feminism" has been degraded, misunderstood, or vilified. If you're keeping your name because you've already established your own identity under that name, that's precisely what feminism was supposed to be about: your identity doesn't become subordinate to or submerged in your husband's when you marry, and you retain your independence as an individual even and especially when making a loving commitment. How is that not feminist?
314
Exactly! This is the ultimate feminism! They should claim it!
3
Yes, it cold truth is that the whole tradition is a vestige of women having no rights. I never could understand why women are so willing to give up their birth name. The symbolism itself is enough reason not to do it. In all the talk of gay marriage, has anyone talked about how important it is for gay couples to have the same name? And with the varied kinds of families now, it is never an issue that children have different last names than their mothers.
5
Over 35 years ago, it didn't matter to me that my wife kept her maiden name. At the time, her credentials (PhD), publications and other scientific minutiae were already in her name and it made little sense to change it. In the scientific circles of our careers, it merited no notice at all (other than my wife telling some people that she was Tom's wife and vice versa for me). As to the general public, the insular suspicious red state rural area where we live was hilarious. When we first moved here, we put both last names on the mailbox for the benefit of the postman. It took some time for the clarification to get around. Seems at least two of the hard core religious biddies and infamous busybodies spread the false rumor that we were living in sin because of the two names on the mailbox. We let it continue unabated and ferment for a few months just for our amusement. Imagine their surprise when they found out we had been married longer than they had been.
127
Two comments:
1. I don't understand why taking the husband's surname would decease the chance of divorce.
2. You missed one of the most common reasons I hear for taking the husband's name - so that you would still have the same surname as your children.
I have to say that I feared neither of those things when I married. With an advanced degree and years of a major profession, as well as feminist learnings, I kept my name. My child has a different surname, but that has not been an issue at all. Most school forms are aware of this and don't question different surnames. I will answer to Mrs. (Husband's surname), but it is not legally my name.
1. I don't understand why taking the husband's surname would decease the chance of divorce.
2. You missed one of the most common reasons I hear for taking the husband's name - so that you would still have the same surname as your children.
I have to say that I feared neither of those things when I married. With an advanced degree and years of a major profession, as well as feminist learnings, I kept my name. My child has a different surname, but that has not been an issue at all. Most school forms are aware of this and don't question different surnames. I will answer to Mrs. (Husband's surname), but it is not legally my name.
40
I think the idea is that folks might skip the name change so they won't have to change it back again in case of divorce.
It was never even an option to consider when I married in 1996. My name was my identity and I saw no reason to change it as had previous generations of women in my family. I was getting married to the man I loved, not becoming his property nor was he becoming mine. My name was and is my own.
129
Having the husband's name is more convenient in working with schools and other organizations where the children are enrolled and have their father's name. [Although I recall one prominent family giving the children the mother's mother's maiden name.....]
On the other hand it is hard for childhood and even college friends to reconnect with women who have changed last names.
On the other hand it is hard for childhood and even college friends to reconnect with women who have changed last names.
6
"Having the husband's name is more convenient in working with schools and other organizations where the children are enrolled and have their father's name. "
This has not been my experience.
This has not been my experience.
19
Some women I know say that they made this decision on the basis of what they wanted for their children. Some took their husband's name, some kept their birth names as middle names and did what Hilary Rodham Clinton has done, some kept their birth name and created hyphenated names for their children. They made these choices to strengthen their children's sense of belonging to a family by sharing a common name. They often made the particular choices they did based simply on how awkward or attractive the name sounded! The writers of the article report that the more individualized a woman becomes--older, professionalized, and so on--the more grounds there are for wanting to retain one's birth name--or to name oneself in some way--and the more these grounds might outweigh these other familial considerations. It would be interesting to look at whether having children has an effect on this issue and to see whether my small sample is representative in any way.
6
There is a stark, unspoken reality behind women taking names: There are no women's name. All surnames belong to men. An engaged woman may choose to take her husband's surname (which is his father's name, and his father's father's name . . . ), OR she can choose to keep her unmarried surname which is HER father's name (which is his father's name, and his father's father's name . . . ). Women's surnames do not actually exist, (except a variation of such in Iceland). Writer Alice Walker has shown that women's legacy is often preserved by bestowing the first name of a beloved female grandmother or aunt on a child, but surnames still belong to men.
That reality is both perplexing and liberating, and leaves a woman two choices:
1. To select the name of the man (or partner) for whom she will always have the greatest affection in going forward in her life (her husband or father), or
2. Creating her own unique surname, as many women and their partners do.
The dilemma of a woman "taking a name" is fraught with the ponderous history of patriarchal ownership, as well as the legal evaporation of the woman into her husband's identity ("femme covert"), such that the man and woman "became one." Him.
Today, a woman can choose the surname of the person she loves most (father or partner), or create a new identity that serves to bridge and blend the identities of both partners entering into a union that honors the autonomy of both. "Maiden" names are anything but maiden.
That reality is both perplexing and liberating, and leaves a woman two choices:
1. To select the name of the man (or partner) for whom she will always have the greatest affection in going forward in her life (her husband or father), or
2. Creating her own unique surname, as many women and their partners do.
The dilemma of a woman "taking a name" is fraught with the ponderous history of patriarchal ownership, as well as the legal evaporation of the woman into her husband's identity ("femme covert"), such that the man and woman "became one." Him.
Today, a woman can choose the surname of the person she loves most (father or partner), or create a new identity that serves to bridge and blend the identities of both partners entering into a union that honors the autonomy of both. "Maiden" names are anything but maiden.
77
I completely disagree that all last names are male names. I inherited my name just as my father did. Our shared last name is no more his because he was born a boy than it is mine because I was born a girl.
17
There's a third choice:
You can choose the last name of the female-to-female ancestor line, as far back as you can identify it. Still a male name (many generations ago) but passed down from the female line for as many generations as you can fine if you adopt it.
The surnames were often sort-of arbitrary to begin with, so I'm not sure they have that much missing.
You can choose the last name of the female-to-female ancestor line, as far back as you can identify it. Still a male name (many generations ago) but passed down from the female line for as many generations as you can fine if you adopt it.
The surnames were often sort-of arbitrary to begin with, so I'm not sure they have that much missing.
6
Yes, of course. My surname is my father's last name, which was his father's last name .... but it has been my ONLY name my whole life. Therefore that is the only identity I have ever known. One has to start standing up for oneself somewhere. I was engaged in my 20s and my so-called "feminist" fiance started reneging on support for me keeping my name and our plan to name our children after both of us ... the wedding never happened for many reasons, but that backpedaling didn't help. I am now in a serious relationship -- my boyfriend knows I would never change my name, as I consider that tradition symbolic of property transfer. I loved my father very much but he never owned me; he actually helped me to become an incredibly independent person. There's never been a question in my mind about this - and I will never understand women who change their names, or even hyphenate, unless their husbands do the same.
7
In Mexico, everyone has two last names, one from their father (apellido paterno) and one from their mother (apellido materno). No one changes their name when they marry.
However, there is still an element of paternalism. The name from their mother that children are given is the one from their mother's father, not her mother. And in situations where only one last name can be used, it is the father's last name that tends to have primacy.
However, there is still an element of paternalism. The name from their mother that children are given is the one from their mother's father, not her mother. And in situations where only one last name can be used, it is the father's last name that tends to have primacy.
22
A much more democratic way of dealing with the name issue. Yes, children are still seen as men's issue. Hopefully with time that will change too.
4
I got married in 1979. I gladly took my husband's name. My case is unusal, I know. The guy listed on my birth certificate is not my biological father. (For reasons that are complicated, my mom felt compelled to do this in 1956.) Therefore, my maiden name meant nothing to me. In fact, I always felt like it was a lie. I know of other women who took their husband's name because of abbusive fathers. I totally support women who keep their birth names. But don't think less of us who don't. We may have very good reasons for changing our names that have nothing to do with tradition.
29
Your point is well taken. There are many reasons that a woman may decide to leave behind her unmarried name--and all to happy to do it. Domestic violence and abuse perpetrated by the father in the family of origin, biological fathers who are negligent, or fathers who have engaged in substance abuse. Many other reasons sit at the crux of the decision for each woman. When the family of origin surname carries too much emotional conflict, being able to leave that name behind like a dried, useless husk offers each woman the opportunity to rewrite her life in more positive and hopeful terms. She can close the door to that past and move on to a better life. It's a great moment in history when women--and men--are able to leave behind all associations with sordid and abusive pasts More power to them.
8
When I got married 25 years ago, I fielded a lot of questions about whether I would change my name. This was presented as a feminist issue. My response was that I didn't see the question of whether I took my *husband's* name or kept my *father's* as a feminist decision. If I took my *mother's* name, that would be a feminist choice.
I based my decision on a much more practical basis: if my husband's last name were easier to spell or pronounce than my (rather difficult) last name, I would change it. It wasn't, and I didn't. Simple.
I based my decision on a much more practical basis: if my husband's last name were easier to spell or pronounce than my (rather difficult) last name, I would change it. It wasn't, and I didn't. Simple.
12
For practical reasons a woman should continue to use her maiden name. Nevertheless the truth is that the woman continues to be a member of her biological or adoptive family and should keep that name. That is a very ancient custom of when women were treated as private property. I am a man and I am proud of both my father´s and mother´s family. My parents were married in 1943 and she always kept her maiden name.
27
It would be interesting to see whether women take change their names more often if they have an 'undesirable' maiden name. Your name may be hard to pronounce, sound odd or foreign, or maybe long and difficult to spell. Men have no opportunity to get rid of such names, but women do.
4
That can definitely be a factor. The sister of a close friend looked forward to changing her uncommon birth name because of misspellings and mispronounciations. My friend kept it because she was much younger than her sister when their father died, and she considers it a way to honor him and keep part of him alive. Neither was thinking in political terms, and neither has a problem with the other's choice.
1
I think it's worth pointing out that men can change their names too. My father changed his last name (shortened and simplified it) when he immigrated to the US. While there is no socially accepted point when most men can change their names, they still have the right to legally change their name any time they want.
Personally, I kept my odd, foreign, and sometimes misspelled maiden name. I have always liked it.
Personally, I kept my odd, foreign, and sometimes misspelled maiden name. I have always liked it.
1
When I married in the 1970s I attempted to keep my own name. The corporation I worked for went into a tail,spin. Threatening lack of medical benefits coverage unless I used his last name. A pro bono lawyer was going to help,file a lawsuit until she was informed by her firm that my employer was a major client. So I ended up changing my name on,work records, but not social,security as personnel,gave the card to mail and I didn't . So for yrs I had to inform the IRS that I used two names. A decade later, I had to petition the judge, and my husband had to agree, to get my name back when I divorced.
41
I kept the name I was born with and fit into the trends described here - married in my mid-30's in 1994, had advanced degrees, and 15 years with my "maiden" name in my chosen professional career. However, I don't see keeping or changing one's name as the issue. All institutions and bureaucracies need to treat individuals as such without assuming familial relationships based on names. There are many times assumptions have been made that my husband and I are not related to each other because we don't share a name or, I might add, the same ethnicity. Also, many instances where we are acting together as a couple but there is only space on the application, receipt, acknowledgement etc for one name - even when there are credit history or tax implications. Comically, we both regularly receive multiple promotional mailings in every and seemingly all variants and combinations of our names. At least for the sake of the environment, I would appreciate if they would get it right and cut down on our carbon footprint!
17
I do not understand giving up the name you were born with to become a "unit," as one wife said in this article. Do these women not understand the context behind shedding their birth names in favor of their husband's. Women were considered the property of their husbands. They couldn't own property, couldn't vote, et al. In the 19th century, when a woman married, everything she owned became her husband's, to do with what he wanted.
In fact, as recently as 45 years ago, some wives couldn't open their own checking accounts without their husband's signature. Do you think the husband could open his own account without his wife's signature? You betcha! Some young women have told me they now regret giving up the names they had, but that they stuck to it because they "promised their husbands" they would take their spouse's name.
What's in a name? Quite a bit. If a woman wants to take her husband's name, it's her decision. I just women would understand the history behind this practice. I kept my name when I got married in my 20s, and I did it again when I married in my 40s. It feels right, good.
In fact, as recently as 45 years ago, some wives couldn't open their own checking accounts without their husband's signature. Do you think the husband could open his own account without his wife's signature? You betcha! Some young women have told me they now regret giving up the names they had, but that they stuck to it because they "promised their husbands" they would take their spouse's name.
What's in a name? Quite a bit. If a woman wants to take her husband's name, it's her decision. I just women would understand the history behind this practice. I kept my name when I got married in my 20s, and I did it again when I married in my 40s. It feels right, good.
205
Of course, it's worth contemplating that the name you decided to keep belonged to your father, the patriarch. Which rather undercuts your argument.
4
I am certain I am not the only woman who turned down a marriage proposal from a man I loved because he insisted that I take his name.
That alone raised alarm bells and any woman who is asked to 'promise' she will take a man's name as a condition of marriage would do well to consider what the name change actually means, which is that you are now your husband's property, as will be your children.
If that rings your bell, that is your choice, but no amount of rationalization will change that fact.
That alone raised alarm bells and any woman who is asked to 'promise' she will take a man's name as a condition of marriage would do well to consider what the name change actually means, which is that you are now your husband's property, as will be your children.
If that rings your bell, that is your choice, but no amount of rationalization will change that fact.
16
Yes, exactly. The history of women as property - handed over from the father to the husband as they are walked down the aisle -- how difficult is this to understand? The only exceptions I sympathize with are the women with abusive fathers who want to shed that association ... but still, you have an identity you have lived with your whole life. That is you. Why would you give that up to become your husband's property? That is what it means when you "take his name." When we start asking why MEN are or aren't doing this, then we can have a fair discussion. Then women can say it's "feminist" to "choose" either way. Until then, I'm sorry, I can't agree with this argument that it's "feminist" to choose to change your name because feminism is about "choice." What a cop out.
13
I didn't change my last name when I married in 1984. To me, expecting women to take their husbands' names was a relic of a patriarchal social structure that had had its day.
Keeping my birth name was fine with my husband, but it really bothered my father. This was surprising, because he had no sons and my sisters had changed their names when they married. I was the last Pyfer offspring in our family.
I didn't especially like my last name, but it was mine and I meant to keep it.
Some 20 years later, I found out that my father had told his friends that I'd had a change of heart and was going by my husband's last name. I hadn't.
Keeping my birth name was fine with my husband, but it really bothered my father. This was surprising, because he had no sons and my sisters had changed their names when they married. I was the last Pyfer offspring in our family.
I didn't especially like my last name, but it was mine and I meant to keep it.
Some 20 years later, I found out that my father had told his friends that I'd had a change of heart and was going by my husband's last name. I hadn't.
49
These women who are keeping their birth names after marrying owe a debt of gratitude to the women in past generations who broke with American tradition and kept their birth names, as well as the men who supported the choices of those women.
I wish this piece would have discussed, even if only briefly, the traditions of other countries, where for generations women who marry retain their birth names, and do not change their last names to match that of their husbands. There a great number of countries where the practice, which is the norm, has existed for generations. There are also men in this country who, upon marrying, take the last name of their wife (though my guess is their numbers are rather small, but still, significant).
Feminism is all about freedom of life choices. Choosing whether or not to change one's birth name, upon marrying, is one of those choices.
Lastly, while I understand that 'maiden name' is a phrase we all understand, would it have been that difficult for the NY Times reporters and their editor to instead have used the phrase 'birth name'? If this had been as story about a man who got married to a woman, and he changed his last name to match that of his wife's, I doubt his last name would have been referred to as 'his maiden name'.
If two men were to get married, and one changed his last name to match that of his spouse, would the NY Times refer to that man as changing his maiden name?
I wish this piece would have discussed, even if only briefly, the traditions of other countries, where for generations women who marry retain their birth names, and do not change their last names to match that of their husbands. There a great number of countries where the practice, which is the norm, has existed for generations. There are also men in this country who, upon marrying, take the last name of their wife (though my guess is their numbers are rather small, but still, significant).
Feminism is all about freedom of life choices. Choosing whether or not to change one's birth name, upon marrying, is one of those choices.
Lastly, while I understand that 'maiden name' is a phrase we all understand, would it have been that difficult for the NY Times reporters and their editor to instead have used the phrase 'birth name'? If this had been as story about a man who got married to a woman, and he changed his last name to match that of his wife's, I doubt his last name would have been referred to as 'his maiden name'.
If two men were to get married, and one changed his last name to match that of his spouse, would the NY Times refer to that man as changing his maiden name?
171
I've long felt that if women kept their "maiden" names and gave their daughters that name, then maybe the matriarchal line would become as important as the male line seems to be. It's just about impossible to trace a female line past a couple of generations because of name changes. Boys take their father's name, girls should take their mother's name.
52
I know a family that has done this. Mom kept her name, and gave it to their daughters. Dad kept his birth name and gave it to their sons. Everyone at schools, camps, house of worship, etc. figured it out and coped just fine. Their kids are now in their early 20s, and I am curious how they will choose to sort out their own name choices.
4
This was my plan with my former fiance, name the girls after me and the boys after him, whatever happens, happens. That was until he started singing a different tune once we were engaged for a week or two. He also started feeling "sad" that I was not going to take his name. The woman he eventually married did take his name. And he called himself a "feminist." I think I was right not to marry him, eh? LOL
19
Yes! You are absolutely right. Thanks for making this point.
It has always bothered me that women who kept their own names so easily gave their children the father's last name. To me, that reinforces that women are not legitimate, that a father's name and only a father's name provides legitimacy. I refuse to ever say a child born to unmarried parents is 'illegitimate'...really? How tribal and awful.
Girl's should take the mother's last name. Boys, the father's. Many families that 'merge' have children from previous marriages and thus carry different last names and no one thinks a thing about that.
It has always bothered me that women who kept their own names so easily gave their children the father's last name. To me, that reinforces that women are not legitimate, that a father's name and only a father's name provides legitimacy. I refuse to ever say a child born to unmarried parents is 'illegitimate'...really? How tribal and awful.
Girl's should take the mother's last name. Boys, the father's. Many families that 'merge' have children from previous marriages and thus carry different last names and no one thinks a thing about that.
10
I kept my maiden name because of the trouble and expense of changing my passport, driving license, legal papers, mortgage documents, business cards, etc. I also have an established business and "name" and didn't want to confuse all of my clients. It works fine and we're as married as can be. :)
26
I agree.. I did not even consider changing my name because of the hassle.
2
How quaint. USA Today had a story on Wednesday on the percent of same sex couples who change their names compared to hetero couples.
Birth name is more inclusive than "maiden name" , by the way.
Birth name is more inclusive than "maiden name" , by the way.
73
Does it matter?
3
Yes, but only to woman.
Men, as always, are happy with the status quo, as it favors them.
Men, as always, are happy with the status quo, as it favors them.
9
Very much.
2
It seems to me that the NYT's choice to reference women's original names as "maiden" names is just as "patriarchic" as changing it on marriage.
193
Amanda Seligman is right. Why does the Times not use the term "birth name"? Everyone has one of those, and I've known men who changed theirs for professional reasons.
3
You are SO right, Amanda Seligman. When will we stop referring to a woman's birth/family name as "maiden"? Do people not see the connotations carried by that term?
8
I married five years ago in my 30s, and I didn't change my name. Because it's my name. For the most part, it hasn't been a big deal: when people at the pediatrician's office or wherever refer to me as Mrs. Husband's Name, I don't bother correcting them. And when people remark occasionally, "Oh, you didn't change your name when you got married," I just reply blithely, "No, and neither did my husband."
263
So you use your father's name instead of your husband's name? Why not use your mother's maiden name? But wait, that would be your mother's father's name. Oh I give up. I'm happy to call you what you prefer.
2
Since so many children are raised in single parent homes, I wonder what last name should be given to a child at birth. I think that needs to be rethought, too. Why give the kid the father's name?
40
I kept my birth name - yes, I have a PhD and several published papers, but my husband actually didn't want me to take his last name. He's estranged from his parents and didn't want to put their name on anyone else. Our daughter also carriers my last name as well. I offered that he should just change his last name to mine, but then he realized all the changes to cards, accounts, passport, and wholly annoying process it would be to do so and decided to stick with his last name.
56
Yet it is the expected "default" that women do this, and they have done this for decades.
9
I'm not even 30 yet and I know at least a few ladies who had to go through the trouble of changing their name *back* to their *actual* name after divorce. (That must be super awful to be stuck with the name of someone you're no longer with and have to fight to get your own name you were born with back...)
48
For many years getting your birth name back as part of a divorce in NYS is a matter of checking a box. The hassle is changing it on ID, bank and credit accounts, car title, etc. Aside from that hassle, the reason a significant number of us a little older than you did not change back is that we had career and other relationships established over a decade or more using the married name. I can fully understand why someone coming out of a briefer marriage would decide to change back.
1
When I was very young, I always found it odd that my grandmothers had last names that seemed unconnected to anyone in our family. When I learned that the names came from second or third ex-husbands, with whom neither had children, I found it even odder -- according to my parents, both marriages were brief and unhappy.
3
It's confusing on family tree diagrams, but there's an attraction to choosing a surname different from either member of a couple. My wife and I considered it but shied from a legal-financial hassle and she took mine. I know one couple that went through with it.
There's patriarchy in a woman's "maiden name", invariably her father's unless her mother was a Lucy Stoner and only her brother took her father's surname.
I suppose that same-sex couples always keep their names rather than advertising a dominance or picking an entirely new name as in my opening paragraph.
There's patriarchy in a woman's "maiden name", invariably her father's unless her mother was a Lucy Stoner and only her brother took her father's surname.
I suppose that same-sex couples always keep their names rather than advertising a dominance or picking an entirely new name as in my opening paragraph.
3
So why didn't you take hers?
17
I would want a hyphenated or hybrid name that both my husband I take because I want my children to have two parents - and I would like for the children to know they have that through the two names.
This article is all about the woman's vague "independence" and not about what this means for children?
My definition of marriage is 2-earner/2-parent where the father takes equal responsibility for child care and I take equal economic responsibility. If I carry the baby around for nine months inside my body, he carries it around for nine months outside his body.
My mother was a stay-at-home mother and essentially did not function as a parent. She was so identified with my father's needs and issues, so lacking in adult ability and so unable to stand up for me when I needed it. I would never want to do that to another generation. My father was very childlike as well as unable to function as a parent; he basically used me for support in the way kids can be used.
This article is all about the woman's vague "independence" and not about what this means for children?
My definition of marriage is 2-earner/2-parent where the father takes equal responsibility for child care and I take equal economic responsibility. If I carry the baby around for nine months inside my body, he carries it around for nine months outside his body.
My mother was a stay-at-home mother and essentially did not function as a parent. She was so identified with my father's needs and issues, so lacking in adult ability and so unable to stand up for me when I needed it. I would never want to do that to another generation. My father was very childlike as well as unable to function as a parent; he basically used me for support in the way kids can be used.
8
The fact that people keep their names for mostly practical reasons is the strongest political statement of all--politics can be both positive and negative, and the negative pressure has obviously weakened considerably. A political goal has been realized when it's no longer polarizing, when it's simply accepted.
24
My choice to keep my name had *nothing* to do with politics, and everything to do with empowerment and not wanting to find an unrecognizable self in a sentence such as" "John is married to the **former** Jane Doe."
4
Changing or not changing ones name at marriage is just part of the name changing story. It would also be interesting to know what happens when women divorce. Do women who changed their names when they married go back to using their maiden name after a divorce? I changed my name when I married in 1985. When I divorced in 2011, I opted not to change it back since it would be confusing professionally. Also, I want to continue to have the same last name as my children. I'm curious to know how other women handle it.
5
It was important to me to have the same surname as my husband as an indication that my primary allegiance was now to my husband and not to my parents. In my opinion a first name is for individuality and a last name is for affiliation. It didn't matter to me whether the surname my husband and I (and now my daughter) share was from his side, my side or something else, what mattered was that it was the same. (We went the traditional route of the wife taking the husband's name because it seemed the easiest.) Oh, and in case it matters, we live in England but we are Americans.
7
My husband and I were married last September after years of living together. Pensions and other practical reasons. I was married for the first time at 20 and enthusiastically changed my last name to his for reasons now distant. At the time of our (very successful) divorce 13 years later I was in the midst of a career with a number of clients. I decided to keep the married last name. It was, after all, the name I had used all my adult life, plus I did not feel the need to advertise to my immediate professional universe, hey, I just got divorced. This time it was a no-brainer that I would not change my last name.
My brother's wife did not change her last name after marriage and I had periodic conversations initiated by my father wherein he genuinely wondered why. I always made sure to end them by thanking him for asking me rather than her.
My brother's wife did not change her last name after marriage and I had periodic conversations initiated by my father wherein he genuinely wondered why. I always made sure to end them by thanking him for asking me rather than her.
10
It's convenient for women but it's not convenient for children.
I had a hard time proving someone was my mom once because my last name had one extra letter at the end that my mom didn't have. It involved proving I was under my parent's health insurance. I'm sure there are other instances that it could be troublesome to have a mom with a different last name than the children.
But it's also pretty convenient for women, depending on the profession. I think if you change your last name, you should give it deep thought and think about others who might be affected, including those unborn. And everyone's situation or beliefs about names are different. I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping your maiden name at all or changing it.
I had a hard time proving someone was my mom once because my last name had one extra letter at the end that my mom didn't have. It involved proving I was under my parent's health insurance. I'm sure there are other instances that it could be troublesome to have a mom with a different last name than the children.
But it's also pretty convenient for women, depending on the profession. I think if you change your last name, you should give it deep thought and think about others who might be affected, including those unborn. And everyone's situation or beliefs about names are different. I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping your maiden name at all or changing it.
3
My nieces are young adults now, but at least in DC their having a different last name than their mother wasn't a big deal. It not only happens when mothers keep their maiden names but also when they divorce, remarry and take the new husband's last name. Or when a couple is not married but the children use the father's last name. So it is sufficiently frequent that most bureaucracies have set ways of dealing with it. But health insurers can be really wily.
11
I kept my name, simply because it had always been my name and I felt connected to it. I have four children, some now teenagers, who all have my husband's last name. We have never once had even the smallest bureaucratic problem resulting from having different last names.
73
People are pretty accepting at this point of whatever women choose to do with their name when married, but the expectation that children will carry their fathers name still seems to be a forgone conclusion.
I got married, I kept my last name, and half of my children will have my last name and half my husbands. Why? Because we will be partners in parenting them, financially and socially, and it matters to me that they carry my name (MY name, NOT a married name). My husband and I respect mutually respect this desire within each other, and this is our solution. People respond to this plan like we are insane, and especially as though it is absurd to question that children will carry their fathers name.
I got married, I kept my last name, and half of my children will have my last name and half my husbands. Why? Because we will be partners in parenting them, financially and socially, and it matters to me that they carry my name (MY name, NOT a married name). My husband and I respect mutually respect this desire within each other, and this is our solution. People respond to this plan like we are insane, and especially as though it is absurd to question that children will carry their fathers name.
33
I recently got married and decided to keep my maiden name for several reasons. My last name has identified me for the first 29 years of my life and represents a family line which will die out otherwise as I only have a sister and no other cousins on my father's side of the family. Additionally, it did not seem prudent to change my name because I am a published academic; it would just create some confusion. I am also married to someone in the same research area, and keeping my last name makes that relationship more private.
Keeping my surname has caused some problems. My mother-in-law has battled with me over the topic and declared that I am stubborn as I refuse to give in to her demands to change my last name. I also have had to return birthday checks written out to me but with my husband's last name because the bank won't let me cash them as that person does not exist. People asked me what my husband thought of the situation, and I tell them that he knew what he was getting into. One of the first things I said to him after calming down from the engagement buzz was "You know I'm not changing my last name, right?", to which he just laughed and replied "I know."
Keeping my surname has caused some problems. My mother-in-law has battled with me over the topic and declared that I am stubborn as I refuse to give in to her demands to change my last name. I also have had to return birthday checks written out to me but with my husband's last name because the bank won't let me cash them as that person does not exist. People asked me what my husband thought of the situation, and I tell them that he knew what he was getting into. One of the first things I said to him after calming down from the engagement buzz was "You know I'm not changing my last name, right?", to which he just laughed and replied "I know."
111
Good for you, Victoria. Since you're an academic, I imagine you're well familiar with the legal precendent for taking a husband's name, that a wife became the property of her husband. It seems so ancachornistic to me to continue a practice that had everythimg to do with the subjuagation of women.
10
Why should a woman give up her identity by changing her name when she marries when men are not pressured to do so? I changed my name back to my maiden name when I divorced as part of reclaiming my own identity. By the time I remarried late in life, I had established a career in my maiden name, and like so many of my friends, chose to keep the name that honors my family origins.
80
How ironic it must be for you, @ retired teacher, that your family origin name comes from the fact that your mother took your father's name.
3
That always cracks me up too. And the hyphenated name gets messy two generations down, when there are then three hyphens. I'm well known professionally and changed my name. My name has zero to do with my identity. I am who I am. It's just a lot easier to have the same name.
2