This piece strikes me as rather sexist, in the nontraditional way. Sorry Joyce, but there are indeed young, attractive, eligible men out there to whom women who: "get me a beer...", "show as much skin as [they] like..." and have "online porn collection[s]..." are not exactly embodiments of the modern Venus. I expect more from the Times, even in the throwaway category.
17
"You're old." What? Get real. Single people date, even those whom Ms. Wadler thinks are "old." No expiration dates for living well.
10
Yet still again LGBT people do not exist in NYT "dating" pieces. Perhaps that's how you would prefer the world; it's certainly how you present it
6
One of the 6 things I could not live without? Terrific funny writing like this. Thanks, Joyce!
16
I started reading this article thinking it might be interesting. I continued reading out of a morbid curiosity. Not only was it mindless, but it was also not even remotely interesting in any way. I will never read another by this author.
15
This is only funny if you're not single.
15
I am not single, it was not funny.
6
Or if you're not old.
7
It would really save everyone's time if dating sites mandated at least one garage photo.
15
The truth is, it doesn't matter a whole lot what you write on your profile, unless you're extreme one way or another. Both men and women will mainly look at your photos and decide whether they want to meet you.
When it comes right down to it, online dating sites are only introduction services. It's only when you meet someone will you know if you like them or not. Choosing a partner is not a fulfilling a bullet-item list. It's a connection you either feel or don't.
When it comes right down to it, online dating sites are only introduction services. It's only when you meet someone will you know if you like them or not. Choosing a partner is not a fulfilling a bullet-item list. It's a connection you either feel or don't.
34
Online dating can cause miracles to occur. Twelve years ago, I met online a women, for convenience we'll call her S, who listed her age as 52. We dated for over two months, but it really wasn't a good match for me, so I ended it. Three weeks later I was browsing through online profiles, and S had miraculously become 48. My considerable online dating experience has led me to believe that the majority of online daters either lie about their age or their "body type" or both - so caveat emptor.
After being on and off these sites for years yrs i am in my 50s but REALLY don't look iit lol! MEN you are not in reality of your age, if you are in your 60s stop waiting for the gal who is 15 yrs younger because you are going to live so long that you need some young thing to keep up with you, no you don't, you can hardly move as is.
In addition we don't want to see your entire family , when you are in your tux walking your daughter down the isle yes she looks lovely i find myself looking at her dress, not you. All the pics of kids, grand kids etc thats why are are alone, LET GO its TMI and scares most people to death.
What i have learned, look at his pic, don't even bother reading the about me they are all lies anyway. See marital status, how far he is from you more then 25 miles he isn't coming.
If you are over 45 the men are NOT in reality of their age. They are in their 60s but waiting for a rich widow who lives in a penthouse or a young gal who will can keep up with them and they can hardly walk as is.
Don't even read the about me, more then 25 mile he isn't coming to cheap to park. Check marital status,
If he loves B'way ask him the last play he REALLY saw. IF the first thing he begins to do is profile you financially, what part of the city do you live in door man what do you do for a liviing? He is coming with a shovel, Last but not least do NOT talk on the phone more then twice TMI loses the fantasy, and he wasn't serious anyway.
In addition we don't want to see your entire family , when you are in your tux walking your daughter down the isle yes she looks lovely i find myself looking at her dress, not you. All the pics of kids, grand kids etc thats why are are alone, LET GO its TMI and scares most people to death.
What i have learned, look at his pic, don't even bother reading the about me they are all lies anyway. See marital status, how far he is from you more then 25 miles he isn't coming.
If you are over 45 the men are NOT in reality of their age. They are in their 60s but waiting for a rich widow who lives in a penthouse or a young gal who will can keep up with them and they can hardly walk as is.
Don't even read the about me, more then 25 mile he isn't coming to cheap to park. Check marital status,
If he loves B'way ask him the last play he REALLY saw. IF the first thing he begins to do is profile you financially, what part of the city do you live in door man what do you do for a liviing? He is coming with a shovel, Last but not least do NOT talk on the phone more then twice TMI loses the fantasy, and he wasn't serious anyway.
8
This article is neither funny nor informative. Pancakes and blow-up dolls - not clever, not amusing, not helpful.
I've been on OK Cupid for a few years. I'm a heterosexual man. I've met several amazing women on the site. The key is to be yourself - now is precisely the time to express your "fetish for hairy women". You'll be delighted to see all the hairy women who respond to your profile. You don't need to lie and pretend to be someone a stereotypical man is attracted to - personally, I don't care if you can cook. Take all the bathroom selfies you want. Some people, single parents especially, find themselves more often behind a camera than in front of one. If you need a recent, decent photo of yourself, sometimes you have to be the one to take it.
It's almost impossible to sound like a "conceited jerk" when you're asked point blank to describe yourself and your interests. Unless you genuinely are one. So don't worry about that.
Most people fail at online dating because they're afraid to be themselves. They homogenize their profiles - they're "easy going", "glass half-full", "love animals", etc. They should be doing the opposite - if you're comfortable with your body and love showing it off, then by all means post bikini photos. Guys who appreciate confident women who like how they look will be attracted to you, guys that don't, won't. If you like to show yourself off, why would you want to be with a guy who will resent it?
I've been on OK Cupid for a few years. I'm a heterosexual man. I've met several amazing women on the site. The key is to be yourself - now is precisely the time to express your "fetish for hairy women". You'll be delighted to see all the hairy women who respond to your profile. You don't need to lie and pretend to be someone a stereotypical man is attracted to - personally, I don't care if you can cook. Take all the bathroom selfies you want. Some people, single parents especially, find themselves more often behind a camera than in front of one. If you need a recent, decent photo of yourself, sometimes you have to be the one to take it.
It's almost impossible to sound like a "conceited jerk" when you're asked point blank to describe yourself and your interests. Unless you genuinely are one. So don't worry about that.
Most people fail at online dating because they're afraid to be themselves. They homogenize their profiles - they're "easy going", "glass half-full", "love animals", etc. They should be doing the opposite - if you're comfortable with your body and love showing it off, then by all means post bikini photos. Guys who appreciate confident women who like how they look will be attracted to you, guys that don't, won't. If you like to show yourself off, why would you want to be with a guy who will resent it?
23
True story: I used to write online profiles for wealthy banker types in NYC too scared to date nornally due to predatory women after the their $ and too nervous to "pay for it" and have "it" delivered because they all have numerous doormen and wanted anonymity...I used to make about $7k a month writing profiles for these dudes...did this work in 2012 and 2013....
I may get back into this...I'd field about the first three to five info swaps with the woman, pretending to be the man in the ad, always keeping my client in the loop, and then, I'd turn it over to him once the woman was lubricated sufficiently, psychologically, spiritually or sexually. Worked well. And fun.
I may get back into this...I'd field about the first three to five info swaps with the woman, pretending to be the man in the ad, always keeping my client in the loop, and then, I'd turn it over to him once the woman was lubricated sufficiently, psychologically, spiritually or sexually. Worked well. And fun.
10
I wonder if there's a service like this for women who don't want to see pix of stranger's body parts.
7
and please, no more motorcycles.
18
I often chuckle reading Ms. Wadler but this bit of writing generated an out loud sustained laugh
15
Here's a little OK Cupid tidbit: After being rejected time after time on OKC I wound up at a Lila Downs concert by myself. As the music rocked everyone started dancing in the aisles, including myself. All of a sudden, I felt someone grab my hand and start dancing with me. It was an attractive woman, one might've rejected me on OKC.
when the show ended she was waiting for me in the lobby. We went next door, had drinks and had this great and REAL night.
I didn't have to read about her, email 20 times, get her approval, struggle to find a day we were both free and be ultimately disappointed because either her picture, profile or both were not at all like what she had posted on the site.
Its like in the old days where you met people in real time and space and immediately saw if there was a connection.
OK Cupid fails most people from what I've been told. In the end it's not worth the effort.
when the show ended she was waiting for me in the lobby. We went next door, had drinks and had this great and REAL night.
I didn't have to read about her, email 20 times, get her approval, struggle to find a day we were both free and be ultimately disappointed because either her picture, profile or both were not at all like what she had posted on the site.
Its like in the old days where you met people in real time and space and immediately saw if there was a connection.
OK Cupid fails most people from what I've been told. In the end it's not worth the effort.
13
MY not OK Cupid experience where I received few inquiries and even fewer responses to those to whom I reached out to, is not mirrored in the real world.
All OK Cupid led me to believe was that I was not remotely desirable. Yet, I've had girlfriends and get attention from women when out. The disconnect was stunning.
After a while, I came to the conclusion that it wasn't worth the time or energy to scroll thru the endless mug shots with their accompanying narratives, which I usually found to be quite false once I met the person. It seems like everyone is just perfect in their self image. who knew.
I deleted my profile and don't miss if for a second. All OK cupid had going for it was the price-O. Of course you get what you pay for.
All OK Cupid led me to believe was that I was not remotely desirable. Yet, I've had girlfriends and get attention from women when out. The disconnect was stunning.
After a while, I came to the conclusion that it wasn't worth the time or energy to scroll thru the endless mug shots with their accompanying narratives, which I usually found to be quite false once I met the person. It seems like everyone is just perfect in their self image. who knew.
I deleted my profile and don't miss if for a second. All OK cupid had going for it was the price-O. Of course you get what you pay for.
8
An apparently happily married couple (both for the second time, I guess), found each other at a dating site about 20 years ago. If there have been, since then, big differences in values and style, then maybe their happy story is irrelevant today.
An example of contemporary online dating may be a relative; after 2 divorces, he treats/mistreats his dates in a way similar to his ex's: he finds fault and then brags about dumping each of them after a few months.
So I guess that he is an example of "action speaks louder than words".
However, I would like to feel that a genuine person online deserves another person with the same qualities.
Furthermore, no one has time to just hang out at a singles bar, right?
An example of contemporary online dating may be a relative; after 2 divorces, he treats/mistreats his dates in a way similar to his ex's: he finds fault and then brags about dumping each of them after a few months.
So I guess that he is an example of "action speaks louder than words".
However, I would like to feel that a genuine person online deserves another person with the same qualities.
Furthermore, no one has time to just hang out at a singles bar, right?
4
The singles bar in the late 70s in NY became a great place to hang out but it was often referred to as 'The One Night Stand'. An English friend and I decided to meet there to see what it was about, and he was quite stressed by the time I showed up. Not the best place to find one's forever soul-mate.
2
luv to fish - looking for a woman who owns a boat - send pic of boat.
34
Pic of the boat on its way, and in return you are expected to clean the fish you catch before I prepare them for dinner.
7
You guys are a match made in heaven.
6
After reading this article, I'd now like to see one on the age of "selfies", and where this pop-cultural phenomenon is heading. While there's a conversation about online dating that touches on narcissistic attitudes, selfies say a lot more about ourselves than many people may realize.
Having been a victim of my own selfies in the past, and to this day every once in awhile, I've come to despise them. Akmost every time I go back and see a photograph that was a selfie, it nearly sickens me.
In my defense, many of my selfies were taken when traveling alone, in a contemplative moment, or with someone else where it was easier than asking another person to take a pic for us.
The selfies I hate the most are the ones in a bathroom, shirtless. And the ones I like the most are ones taken with a sense of humor, showing funny facial expressions.
I'd like to hear other's thoughts on selfies. Thanks
Having been a victim of my own selfies in the past, and to this day every once in awhile, I've come to despise them. Akmost every time I go back and see a photograph that was a selfie, it nearly sickens me.
In my defense, many of my selfies were taken when traveling alone, in a contemplative moment, or with someone else where it was easier than asking another person to take a pic for us.
The selfies I hate the most are the ones in a bathroom, shirtless. And the ones I like the most are ones taken with a sense of humor, showing funny facial expressions.
I'd like to hear other's thoughts on selfies. Thanks
5
Dan Bray,
The first and last selfie I received, was from a nephew of mine when I was looking at a distant view of Manhattan, and it caused me to yell! Get rid of your hair, a friend suggested, which is about to grow to the ground.
I kept my hair, and the other day when having lunch with the same nephew, an attractive man in his early 50s and liked by women, I declined his offer to have a selfie, and took a good one of him in his winter attire. The great gift, however, was a video he sent on a rainy Summer evening, playing a famous Billy Joel song on the piano in memory of his late uncle, my husband. Courageous, real, and moving. At the end, he turns and smiles into the camera, with the same expression of tenderness.
When it comes to posting selfies on dating sites such as Cupid, why not try for something different than the shirtless one on the beach, the Himalayas or in front of the Plaza Hotel? A favorite painting, a musical instrument, a photo of you as a young boy. Something original and amusing that is an eye-catcher. Go for it, and give it a try, while making it enjoyable for yourself. Happy Spring.
The first and last selfie I received, was from a nephew of mine when I was looking at a distant view of Manhattan, and it caused me to yell! Get rid of your hair, a friend suggested, which is about to grow to the ground.
I kept my hair, and the other day when having lunch with the same nephew, an attractive man in his early 50s and liked by women, I declined his offer to have a selfie, and took a good one of him in his winter attire. The great gift, however, was a video he sent on a rainy Summer evening, playing a famous Billy Joel song on the piano in memory of his late uncle, my husband. Courageous, real, and moving. At the end, he turns and smiles into the camera, with the same expression of tenderness.
When it comes to posting selfies on dating sites such as Cupid, why not try for something different than the shirtless one on the beach, the Himalayas or in front of the Plaza Hotel? A favorite painting, a musical instrument, a photo of you as a young boy. Something original and amusing that is an eye-catcher. Go for it, and give it a try, while making it enjoyable for yourself. Happy Spring.
2
For what men write and display, I couldn't say. At first, for "what people notice about you" I at first put, "my boobs" as a joke. But then a friend said don't do that, they'll think you have man boobs.
But women tell me, there's a high frequency of men holding huge fish in their hands.
And that's often with some trophy machine in the background - some powerboat, motorcycle, what have you.
You get the impression that men have forgotten that they're supposed to be impressing women, not their homies. Likewise with the shirts off thing, the menacing dark glasses and the gold chains.
Also I've run across a few seemingly straight men who must have clicked the wrong button, ending up mixed in with all the available women. The curious thing is when I've tried to lend a helping hand and messaged them, they still don't fix it.
One time I did get curious and momentarily pretended that I was a woman looking for a man, and after I landed on some man I thought would be desirable to women, I left the tab up for reading later.
When I came back, he'd blocked me.
I'd forgot that OkC had sent him the alert, "Hey, so-and-so is checking you out, he's really into you."
But women tell me, there's a high frequency of men holding huge fish in their hands.
And that's often with some trophy machine in the background - some powerboat, motorcycle, what have you.
You get the impression that men have forgotten that they're supposed to be impressing women, not their homies. Likewise with the shirts off thing, the menacing dark glasses and the gold chains.
Also I've run across a few seemingly straight men who must have clicked the wrong button, ending up mixed in with all the available women. The curious thing is when I've tried to lend a helping hand and messaged them, they still don't fix it.
One time I did get curious and momentarily pretended that I was a woman looking for a man, and after I landed on some man I thought would be desirable to women, I left the tab up for reading later.
When I came back, he'd blocked me.
I'd forgot that OkC had sent him the alert, "Hey, so-and-so is checking you out, he's really into you."
6
Some things I've noticed on OkC (from a male point of view). . .
Women for some reason seem compelled to force a huge smiling grill of teeth, whether they feel it or not. Often it's obvious, and seems to betray a certain superficiality, although that's just my take.
On the other hand, there are some women that apparently were momentarily dysthymic, but nevertheless present a photo in dark lighting, with the toilet in the background, limning grim emotionless expressions.
And then there are the ones that think (I guess) that looking dour is cool, as in, not frivolous.
For men, I think there was an OkC blog that showed that men who smile too much could come across as lacking gravitas. Then again, a man who shows no sign of joy in life, probably doesn't have any anyway.
Then, it seems that almost all women say they like to laugh a lot. Really ? I somehow I hadn't picked up all the distaff guffawing while walking in my neighborhood. I guess it's better than the opposite though.
Finally, I've run across a few women who have posted almost fetishistic photos of their latest pedicure job, replete with crimson or pink nail polish. I can say though, I've never once been with some cabal of men where one of them has remarked how he'd met some fabulous woman, and you should've seen her toenails.
Whups, reached my word count limit.
Women for some reason seem compelled to force a huge smiling grill of teeth, whether they feel it or not. Often it's obvious, and seems to betray a certain superficiality, although that's just my take.
On the other hand, there are some women that apparently were momentarily dysthymic, but nevertheless present a photo in dark lighting, with the toilet in the background, limning grim emotionless expressions.
And then there are the ones that think (I guess) that looking dour is cool, as in, not frivolous.
For men, I think there was an OkC blog that showed that men who smile too much could come across as lacking gravitas. Then again, a man who shows no sign of joy in life, probably doesn't have any anyway.
Then, it seems that almost all women say they like to laugh a lot. Really ? I somehow I hadn't picked up all the distaff guffawing while walking in my neighborhood. I guess it's better than the opposite though.
Finally, I've run across a few women who have posted almost fetishistic photos of their latest pedicure job, replete with crimson or pink nail polish. I can say though, I've never once been with some cabal of men where one of them has remarked how he'd met some fabulous woman, and you should've seen her toenails.
Whups, reached my word count limit.
29
KDB,
Interesting to have your heart strings on how men might feel about women. Having loved and been loved, it is late in life that I decided to learn something about men. When it comes to women and their fangs, I glanced at an article indicating that on a first meeting, a man is interested first in their smile which I thought was tripe.
Men are usually interested in talking about themselves. Having recently met a quiet attractive man who is old enough to be my son and on occasion goes on a date, I asked him for his views on women. Apparently they want to reveal everything about themselves at 50 miles a minute. 'Have a heart', I responded, they're nervous, want to find a mate and maybe are lonely.
My dating history is fairly modest and I don't have a 'type', but the most important thing is a man's voice. If he can make me laugh, he's one step ahead. This happened once when I met a gambler and invited him for dinner. He taught me how to throw the dice, we played scrabble and I beat him by one point; we had fun to sum it up.
the men I have met are not interested in nail polish which I don't wear, and liked my cooking. If a man invites me for a coffee or lunch, I offer to contribute and assess his economic frame of mind :) if a man is not interested in pursuing a romance, I sense it right away.
To Women: learn to ask a man about himself first. He is to keep his paws off until you have made your mind up about him. Remember the 'Male Ego' above all. Daunting :)
Interesting to have your heart strings on how men might feel about women. Having loved and been loved, it is late in life that I decided to learn something about men. When it comes to women and their fangs, I glanced at an article indicating that on a first meeting, a man is interested first in their smile which I thought was tripe.
Men are usually interested in talking about themselves. Having recently met a quiet attractive man who is old enough to be my son and on occasion goes on a date, I asked him for his views on women. Apparently they want to reveal everything about themselves at 50 miles a minute. 'Have a heart', I responded, they're nervous, want to find a mate and maybe are lonely.
My dating history is fairly modest and I don't have a 'type', but the most important thing is a man's voice. If he can make me laugh, he's one step ahead. This happened once when I met a gambler and invited him for dinner. He taught me how to throw the dice, we played scrabble and I beat him by one point; we had fun to sum it up.
the men I have met are not interested in nail polish which I don't wear, and liked my cooking. If a man invites me for a coffee or lunch, I offer to contribute and assess his economic frame of mind :) if a man is not interested in pursuing a romance, I sense it right away.
To Women: learn to ask a man about himself first. He is to keep his paws off until you have made your mind up about him. Remember the 'Male Ego' above all. Daunting :)
12
Here's a funny thing. Nearly every man over 55 peppers his notes, and sometimes his profile, with LOL. Makes me nostalgic for the early chat rooms of America Online. LOL.
9
No bathroom selfie? Mine with a simple smile got me an average of 15 messages everyday on Match.com. Show skin? Didn't do that. After a month the responses were so overwhelming I shut my account. Mind you, I'm in my 40s, no spring chicken.
5
After a 20 year marriage that ended in divorce I found myself on OK Cupid, where I met some wonderful and creative people including my girlfriend of the last 3 years. I'm told that women find the shots of guys wearing hats to be funny and annoying, particularly if he has the hat on in every picture. They want to know if he's going to wear the hat to bed.
4
M Worthington
Glad to hear that you have been successful with Cupid, who can be difficult and devious at times with his little bow and arrows, and wishing you and your girlfriend a happy Spring season, which makes many of us feel at our best.
If somebody wears a hat all the time, perhaps they have thin or little hair? The only time I wore a wig was at 17, a brown mop, and the young man I met at a party finally pulled it off, surprised to find long hair. He told me right on the spot that he was afraid that I was bald :) When we married. his friends enjoyed my wearing Victorian hats for them that I collected in other days, long ago, and I hope never to wear a night cap to bed.
Hats off to you!
Glad to hear that you have been successful with Cupid, who can be difficult and devious at times with his little bow and arrows, and wishing you and your girlfriend a happy Spring season, which makes many of us feel at our best.
If somebody wears a hat all the time, perhaps they have thin or little hair? The only time I wore a wig was at 17, a brown mop, and the young man I met at a party finally pulled it off, surprised to find long hair. He told me right on the spot that he was afraid that I was bald :) When we married. his friends enjoyed my wearing Victorian hats for them that I collected in other days, long ago, and I hope never to wear a night cap to bed.
Hats off to you!
4
My husband wasn't dead a month before people started nagging me that it was time to start dating. After all, they kept telling me, I was just so awesome that it will be a cakewalk. Except that I didn't WANT to start dating and didn't see myself EVER wanting to date at 60. I remember being a not-beautiful 25-year-old constantly being found wanting by young men who wanted swimsuit models until I found the smart, preposterously handsome, weird-like-me man who for some miraculous reason, decided we were soulmates. We were together for 30 years -- some good, some not so good, especially toward the end. But I remember what those days were like before I met him, when my hair was its own color and I could wear Danskins and disco skirts and even at my heaviest was a size 10. I simply cannot imagine putting a photo of my 60-year-old, finally comfortable in my own skin on a site like OK Cupid to be once again found wanting by trolls.
Oh, it's possible that someone may stumble across my path someday, and I would not rule anything out. But I am far happier going out with friends or staying at home with a good book or a good movie or just puttering around the house than casting my pearls before swine.
Oh, it's possible that someone may stumble across my path someday, and I would not rule anything out. But I am far happier going out with friends or staying at home with a good book or a good movie or just puttering around the house than casting my pearls before swine.
108
There are trolls everywhere. I met my gf of 3 years on OK Cupid, she's an English teacher at Columbia.
There are many sites for all sorts - over 50, ChristianMingle and so on. Not that many 60+ on OK Cupid.
There are many sites for all sorts - over 50, ChristianMingle and so on. Not that many 60+ on OK Cupid.
7
Also a widow, four years of aloneness, some suffering and suffering online dating. My son introduced me to a nice man and two weeks later we started sharing my bed, four years ago now. He is the love of my life, and some would say i'm beautiful, educated and fun. Hope you have kids with great older friends too, good luck and remember love is a state of mind. Love yourself and be open to growing more.
21
Badittude. You protest too much.
3
"Gentlemen, no bare torso photos. Women find them very off-putting" - that is a blatant lie.
7
Be careful what you wish for. Don't let OKC fool you Bottom line-they are an information gathering site. That's why it's free. All your answers to the 101 ad nauseum questions are analyzed and codified, then sold to other companies. Having said that it is possible to meet someone, but tread with caution. There are some serial charlatans out there.
30
>> All your answers to the 101 ad nauseum questions
Do you have some kind of proof of that ? or it's just spurious conjecture.
They'd have to associate your preferences with your real identity.
If that was true and it got out, it'd probably spell the end for OkC.
Do you have some kind of proof of that ? or it's just spurious conjecture.
They'd have to associate your preferences with your real identity.
If that was true and it got out, it'd probably spell the end for OkC.
2
@KDB: That info-gathering is the point of OKC is well-known. Search for interviews with it's founder.
3
This was kind of funny in a tongue in cheek way. But I think I can synopsize the whole thing a lot faster, and it depresses me that it may be accurate as to what online dating generically is.
1) Don't be yourself.
2) Make sure to say certain key words, like pension, shopping, young.
3) Hire a professional photographer for the photos and make sure not to look like yourself.
4) Never let on that you are old. If you are over 22, do whatever you can to appear 22. Because you're too old to ever find love or have unpaid sex again, only the young can date.
5) Make your profile as artificial and contrived as possible. Consider hiring a profile-creation service.
6) No nachos.
7) Women: all you need is to show skin.
8) Men: appear rich and suave and docile. But really you don't have much chance so just keep trying until you luck out.
9) Random other genders: haha forget it, you're not generic enough no matter what.
10) When all else fails scrap the profile and fabricate another, and consider having a model stand-in for the photos. The model should show a lot of skin/appear wealthy.
Have I got that about right? So yeah, it's small wonder I've heard this site nicknamed "OKStupid". And I hope that not bothering with any dating sites can still lead one, completely improbably, to a loving relationship.
1) Don't be yourself.
2) Make sure to say certain key words, like pension, shopping, young.
3) Hire a professional photographer for the photos and make sure not to look like yourself.
4) Never let on that you are old. If you are over 22, do whatever you can to appear 22. Because you're too old to ever find love or have unpaid sex again, only the young can date.
5) Make your profile as artificial and contrived as possible. Consider hiring a profile-creation service.
6) No nachos.
7) Women: all you need is to show skin.
8) Men: appear rich and suave and docile. But really you don't have much chance so just keep trying until you luck out.
9) Random other genders: haha forget it, you're not generic enough no matter what.
10) When all else fails scrap the profile and fabricate another, and consider having a model stand-in for the photos. The model should show a lot of skin/appear wealthy.
Have I got that about right? So yeah, it's small wonder I've heard this site nicknamed "OKStupid". And I hope that not bothering with any dating sites can still lead one, completely improbably, to a loving relationship.
30
Mr. Stackhouse,
Whatever are you doing fooling around with Cupid? You are going to receive a few barbs for your unkind commentary from the romantically-inclined people on this site.
How could I forget a man like you who believes that a world overpopulated with tigers might not be such a bad thing, or that you are about the height of Napoleon, and that you are rather sanguine about life in general, while always being the first to offer to help if needed? Perhaps you forgot that we met in 'India' not so long ago?
A friend found his soul-mate on a dating site years ago and she is the love of his life. It took him awhile but it all ended very happily and today he is a lucky man.
Now that I am ageless, it is safe to say that I would be clueless as to starting all over again in this era if I were 20. In fact the thought is rather daunting, but I would be having fun with Cupid, while remaining sensitive to others, and the only secret I would not divulge in the name of romance is my ATM pin number.
Happy Spring, Mr. Stackhouse, and keep on trying. A loving relationship takes a lot of work, and above all, remember above all that Men love Women, Women love Children and Children love Hamsters - a favorite expression of mine and sending a smile your way.
Whatever are you doing fooling around with Cupid? You are going to receive a few barbs for your unkind commentary from the romantically-inclined people on this site.
How could I forget a man like you who believes that a world overpopulated with tigers might not be such a bad thing, or that you are about the height of Napoleon, and that you are rather sanguine about life in general, while always being the first to offer to help if needed? Perhaps you forgot that we met in 'India' not so long ago?
A friend found his soul-mate on a dating site years ago and she is the love of his life. It took him awhile but it all ended very happily and today he is a lucky man.
Now that I am ageless, it is safe to say that I would be clueless as to starting all over again in this era if I were 20. In fact the thought is rather daunting, but I would be having fun with Cupid, while remaining sensitive to others, and the only secret I would not divulge in the name of romance is my ATM pin number.
Happy Spring, Mr. Stackhouse, and keep on trying. A loving relationship takes a lot of work, and above all, remember above all that Men love Women, Women love Children and Children love Hamsters - a favorite expression of mine and sending a smile your way.
7
Thanks very much for your kind words Miss Ley, happy spring to you too! And yeah this list was a little angry, sorry about that, it's coming from frustration with dating sites I guess. I'm sure I'll find someone right for me, but a little doubtful it'd happen from a site as superficial as OKCupid seems to be; maybe one with more complicated profile stuff would be better. Anyway, thanks again, you put a smile on my face, and have a great day.
5
Don't forget the obligatory photos of A) the subject hoisting margaritas with seven girlfriends at a restaurant (she drinks and has girlfriends! what a keeper!) and B) the subject skydiving over the French Riviera. Or the Andes. Or the Pyrenees. Because nothing says fearless woman better than skydiving over the Riviera.
20
Trying to figure out the OK Cupid algorithm that would get me to Joyce Wadler's profile....reading it would be a huge treat. And she's not too old.
bikiniwaxchronicles.com
bikiniwaxchronicles.com
11
Joyce Wadler -- a beacon of sanity. And one of the funniest human beings on the planet.
34
hilarous...and true!
10
looking for a woman who likes long walks on the beach, exploring her feelings and hockey
38
I LOVE hockey!
5
Hilarious. But why did the accompanying visual prop show only women?
6
I agree. Why do women get the spotlight?
2
Joyce, You should be at MIT. You've figured out the algorithm.
15
As a single gay man, on Match.com, I agree with so much of what this article has to say, regardless of one's sexual orientation. Out of the 25 photos I have on my profile, only 1 or 2 show me without a shirt (like in a canoe or surfing).
I did this, because I don't want to attract guys that are self-absorbed, pre-occupied with sex, etc. It seems to be working, as the few (LOL!) responses I do get (about 1-2 per day) are usually from guys who seem to appreciate me from the inside-out.
Now, a few of my straight male friends might disagree with this story about "ladies showing as much skin as they want". While they're certainly wanting to feel a physical attraction, and understandably want to see some hint of sexiness in women's profile, understatement is more with these guys. In other words, they don't like seeing everything, all at once.
Finally, I agree most with dating profile photos should be people smiling... there's nothing more attractive than that.
I did this, because I don't want to attract guys that are self-absorbed, pre-occupied with sex, etc. It seems to be working, as the few (LOL!) responses I do get (about 1-2 per day) are usually from guys who seem to appreciate me from the inside-out.
Now, a few of my straight male friends might disagree with this story about "ladies showing as much skin as they want". While they're certainly wanting to feel a physical attraction, and understandably want to see some hint of sexiness in women's profile, understatement is more with these guys. In other words, they don't like seeing everything, all at once.
Finally, I agree most with dating profile photos should be people smiling... there's nothing more attractive than that.
6
Dear Dan Bray,
Heartening news from the front lines, thanks. One or two responses per day sounds like a great amount of possibilities to me. And as a straight male, I'd have to agree that "ladies showing as much skin as they want", is not what real guys are looking for. Plenty of skin exists on the internet in vast quantity, but when someone's profile is entirely bikini/negligee shots, it looks like an escort service. And most straight guys, I think, are told continually by women that women are way too beautiful for them, they're out of their league, and so on. I think guys contacting max-skin profiles would be desperately hoping to scam some sex and that's about all.
Heartening news from the front lines, thanks. One or two responses per day sounds like a great amount of possibilities to me. And as a straight male, I'd have to agree that "ladies showing as much skin as they want", is not what real guys are looking for. Plenty of skin exists on the internet in vast quantity, but when someone's profile is entirely bikini/negligee shots, it looks like an escort service. And most straight guys, I think, are told continually by women that women are way too beautiful for them, they're out of their league, and so on. I think guys contacting max-skin profiles would be desperately hoping to scam some sex and that's about all.
7
Immodesty betrays narcissism.... Often, 25 pics will include repeats, and the predictible super duper close-up (You can get enough ME!!) With women... the kissy duck face is the kiss of goodbye... codependency. Flashing a lot of skin is a sure sign of someone who neeeeeeeeeds attention. Stmts like "I speak my mind" mean..... "I don't care what you think- keep it to yourself".
5
This advice may seem toungue-in-cheek but much of what's listed is spot on! Women, downplay your success and simply pose with a tray of cookies, it works! And men, please just 'cause you'd love skin-shots of your female prospects does not mean we do, shirts on even if you've got a six pack to flaunt.
9
Online dating can work for women, but only rarely does it work for men. This is because men post many more ads than women, and women receive vastly more responses to their ads from men than men do from women. And by "vastly," think somewhere between 10:1 and 100:1. In face of such odds, men are well advised to ditch online dating for bars, introductions through friends, and through work (the "rules" be damned), church, and family. Otherwise, you may as well be on Craigslist.
18
I could not disagree more that "online dating can work for women, but only rarely does it work for men." (Unless a woman is looking for quantity, not quality.) As an over-50 woman in Boston, the odds are very much against me. There's an abundance of successful, personable women in my age range and a paucity of available men. Many men in my age range want to date younger. I've given up on on-line dating for the moment, as it's so depressing. I've had more luck with in-person meetings where you can tell right away if there's chemistry!
40
Indeed! Most men, almost regardless of age, want younger women.
The rare exceptions are extremely interesting, though!!
The rare exceptions are extremely interesting, though!!
8
Things that drive me crazy: People who say they are "normal," "chill," "just as comfortable in a bar as at home with a bottle of vino and Netflix," and, worst, people who say they are "living the dream." (A uniquely New York problem.)
27
Nowadays people who say they're "living the dream" are using code for "taking a remarkable amount of Ambien and not too certain of reality".
41
The Chicago equivalent phrase that should be categorically banned is "enjoy all that our city has to offer." Bleck!
Still wondering is "looking for a partner-in-crime," is code for something sexual.
Still wondering is "looking for a partner-in-crime," is code for something sexual.
10
No, guys say it out here too when they talk about their boats. Often sounds like they're looking for a skipper with benefits rather than any other relationship...
2
How about "include a picture of the inside of your refrigerator, and your living room." Says a lot.
47
What a great idea! Much more revealing than a photo. You're hired!
2
Offputting men:
those who think stating the obvious is good for a smile, e.g., 6 things I can't live without - "air, water, food...";
ones that feel compelled to specify what kind of women they want/don't want, in such a way that you could do a character study of their last realtionship: "I want a gal who won't look around the room checking out the other men when we're eating dinner together." Don't these guys realize how angry and defensive they sound?
{I am sure the women's profiles have annoying trends as well.}
those who think stating the obvious is good for a smile, e.g., 6 things I can't live without - "air, water, food...";
ones that feel compelled to specify what kind of women they want/don't want, in such a way that you could do a character study of their last realtionship: "I want a gal who won't look around the room checking out the other men when we're eating dinner together." Don't these guys realize how angry and defensive they sound?
{I am sure the women's profiles have annoying trends as well.}
23
And men, please do not include a dog or cape in your profile picture.
7
What's wrong with a dog? I see plenty of women with cats!
10
You are absolutely correct, Mark, but i confess i do not check out women's profile pictures. Yet I would agree cats in the profile picture would be icky if I were trying to narrow it down.
5
What's the matter with a dog?
5
As a retired gentleman much past the age of selfles and hand held computers, I hoped for friendly connections by joining a group named something like Stretches, which brings older people together dining, possibly on boats or beaches, with touchy closeness with playful food that still makes us feel the intimate generation.
9
A selfie says SO much more than that. It says you're vain and you likely have no friends. So, instant no to anyone with any selfies or shirtless photos. And the less in the profile, the better. No one and I mean no one has ever lived up to their profile. Better to leave it for in person chatting.
13
Dear Cupid,
speaking of old, what's with all the guys searching for a woman who's 25-4 years younger than them? (along with the requisite line: everyone tells me I look so young for my age!!!)
speaking of old, what's with all the guys searching for a woman who's 25-4 years younger than them? (along with the requisite line: everyone tells me I look so young for my age!!!)
52
As several (successfully) coupled straight men have told me "They can't handle women their own age. Or they think they can make up for the lost time of their youth."
10
I don't agree. I'm luckily married 20+ years, but if the world turned nasty and I was somehow alone, I'd want slightly younger, having lived through the train wreck of menopause with the wife, would not want to do that again....it isn't about wanting a 20 yo body....
1
I suspect it's because they're interested in younger women. There's nothing wrong with that. If you're an older woman, move on to the next. Problem solved.
1
I choose to judge with tenacity the "preferred age of partner" section. When a man my age or older seeks women in a range beginning decades younger than his age, he is telling me who he is, and how he views women. Same for the men who message, like and wink away at me even though I am beyond the end of their preferred age range. I have the good fortunate to be attractive but physical attractiveness is way down on my list. At the top of the list is having achieved a growth beyond patriarchy and misogyny.
82
Your points are well taken, but I don't think the whole story is told there.
From let's say the age of twelve, up through say early forties, it's often that women ignore the less DNA endowed-in-the-looks department for older men, or those of similar plight yet gobs of money, or those of the alpha variety, or some combination thereof. They trade on their looks or sexual allure, then complain when the see-saw tips the other way.
I'm not a fan of it either way, yet over the long haul there seems to be extant themes.
As well, it's quite common for women on OkC to state that they desire a man who's confident, decisive, and knows what he wants.
To be sure, most everyone wants self esteem. But there is a subtext there that says, if you're a regular mortal like the rest of us - a smorgasbord of strengths and weaknesses - you wouldn't be attractive as a male objet du desir. It's more, "I want someone who can take the lead - my lead - (and also, could you at the same time be sensitive and show your feelings ?)
Although things are changing slowly, I think the objectification plays out on both sides.
From let's say the age of twelve, up through say early forties, it's often that women ignore the less DNA endowed-in-the-looks department for older men, or those of similar plight yet gobs of money, or those of the alpha variety, or some combination thereof. They trade on their looks or sexual allure, then complain when the see-saw tips the other way.
I'm not a fan of it either way, yet over the long haul there seems to be extant themes.
As well, it's quite common for women on OkC to state that they desire a man who's confident, decisive, and knows what he wants.
To be sure, most everyone wants self esteem. But there is a subtext there that says, if you're a regular mortal like the rest of us - a smorgasbord of strengths and weaknesses - you wouldn't be attractive as a male objet du desir. It's more, "I want someone who can take the lead - my lead - (and also, could you at the same time be sensitive and show your feelings ?)
Although things are changing slowly, I think the objectification plays out on both sides.
8
We pursue the fulfillment of our own needs. We would benefit ourselves, our prospective partners and the relationships we wish to build if we were introspective, with a brutal honesty, about the motives behind our desires in mates, right down to: a rich woman or man is desirable, even if she or he is far older and we do not connect on a fulfilling level, because I will be financially stable without having to be ambitious and industrious; a far younger man or woman is desirable because I will imbue an image of virility, enjoy the dew of youthful flesh, and perhaps control a dependent and yet to be fully formed identity.
As for our young girls pining for the quarterback, I’m afraid the joke is on them: those so-called ‘geeks’ are the real kings-in-the-making.
As for our young girls pining for the quarterback, I’m afraid the joke is on them: those so-called ‘geeks’ are the real kings-in-the-making.
2
Funny and true!
With lonely friends in mind, though, I’m going to be tediously serious.
Jet-age mobility, advances in equality, rejection of Victorian “morality,” birth control, and the internet are all great advances. But each one of those have drastically changed how men and women think about and look for meaningful relationships. And that’s not to mention the granddaddy of unrealistic expectation creating devices, television.
Every one of those drastic change-generating phenomena has come to the fore in the last 75 years or so, not even the blink of an eye in the history of mating. In short, with regard to finding love, we in the modern Western world find ourselves in a profound transition period having every bit of the confusion and grief huge societal transitions always bring.
It will take a while, who knows how long, for a new equilibrium to come about in which the "new rules" for making and keeping great relationships are widely established. Meanwhile, millions of really quite lovely people will find themselves alone in their 40s and 50s or older. That’s a tragedy, but a fact.
Online dating, for now, seems one of the better ways to go about finding a mate. But it’s also part of the overall problem, unless one’s deepest desires are quite simple yet particular, like say, to cuddle up with a female gorilla. Still, even with a beaming photo and the most comely verbiage, now more than ever the most important card in one's mating deck is that old joker, luck.
With lonely friends in mind, though, I’m going to be tediously serious.
Jet-age mobility, advances in equality, rejection of Victorian “morality,” birth control, and the internet are all great advances. But each one of those have drastically changed how men and women think about and look for meaningful relationships. And that’s not to mention the granddaddy of unrealistic expectation creating devices, television.
Every one of those drastic change-generating phenomena has come to the fore in the last 75 years or so, not even the blink of an eye in the history of mating. In short, with regard to finding love, we in the modern Western world find ourselves in a profound transition period having every bit of the confusion and grief huge societal transitions always bring.
It will take a while, who knows how long, for a new equilibrium to come about in which the "new rules" for making and keeping great relationships are widely established. Meanwhile, millions of really quite lovely people will find themselves alone in their 40s and 50s or older. That’s a tragedy, but a fact.
Online dating, for now, seems one of the better ways to go about finding a mate. But it’s also part of the overall problem, unless one’s deepest desires are quite simple yet particular, like say, to cuddle up with a female gorilla. Still, even with a beaming photo and the most comely verbiage, now more than ever the most important card in one's mating deck is that old joker, luck.
23
Being alone in your 40s and 50s is not actually a tragedy. In fact, with friends and family and hobbies and a spiritual life, it actually feels great to be "alone." There is plenty to do, and plenty of company to do it with. Why do we refer to people without romantic partners as "alone," anyway?
34
Kay,
Many people confuse 'Alone' for being 'Lonely'. Two different affairs. One of the loneliness experiences can be to live with a mate that one feels at a distance with.
Many people confuse 'Alone' for being 'Lonely'. Two different affairs. One of the loneliness experiences can be to live with a mate that one feels at a distance with.
22
I understeand your piece is meant tongue-in-cheek (no pun intended) but your closing line -- "I’m truly sorry, dear, but I’m afraid I have to advise you to forget online dating. Because, from the evidence, you’re old" is outrageously offensive. Anyone who is interested in meeting other people should. And, like Black people who "passed" for White back in the day -- this piece seemes to truly encourage putting up a false front to get ahead. Don't appear old if you actually are old. Why not? If Dame Judith Densch or Alec Baldwin should (whimsically) decide to log on to OK Cupid - what idiot would not jump at the chance to buy them a drink? I understand the piece is written lightly but, as usual, agism and youth-a-mania win the day. Go away. @johannaclear
25
Try finding out more about Judith DENCH. And learn some more about AGEISM.
9
Why be so nasty? This person makes a valuable contribution to the discussion.
9
Johanna, it is called sarcasm. Joyce doesn't think that way herself, she is just describing the way of the world.
11
I think I will die alone.
60
Dear Clara,
Not if I meet you first milady. Don't lose hope, even though it probably won't be me, it'll be somebody.
Not if I meet you first milady. Don't lose hope, even though it probably won't be me, it'll be somebody.
4
Okay you walked into this one and I really did try to pass, but I couldn't. The setup was too perfect.
Wanna die alone together? ;-)
Wanna die alone together? ;-)
27
Dying alone is preferable to having to feed and care for a parasite. Loving my autonomy!
11
Delectable! Many thanks for the smiles, Ms. Wadler. The "brag-humble-brag" sentence was particularly potent. Always glad to see this column's return.
12