I wish dead people still farted

Edit: I take it back

Granted. Nothing changes.
I sorta meant like.. forever
Too late Granted, around the world, in every graveyard, thunder rolls, the earth shakes, and the stench!!! Noxious green clouds of fetid flatulence fall on the unsuspecting citizens of towns everywhere, zombies roam the land, grinning while saying "pull my finger." You did this!
actually IIRC, you did this
The stench of 40,000 years
I don’t remember that part of “thriller”
why not??
For the glory of Satan of course!
Granted, The extra methane released into the atmosphere from billions of graves, instantly raises the temperature of the earth by 2 degrees and with the continuing input of methane; the temperature continues to rise.
Crops fail causing mass starvation. Ocean acidification increases, eventually causing sea life with exoskeletons to go extinct. Civil disturbances break out across the world as the desperate lower classes start trying to find anything to eat as economies collapse worldwide.
War breaks out as governments try to secure more resources to build biomes for the rich and powerful. As the death toll rises, the temperature increases at a faster rate. Eventually, time runs out for mankind and, with the amount of dead still putting methane and other gasses in the air, time runs out for most life on earth.
wasn’t me
Qw should farm methane from corpses
this was my first thought
Can someone calculate the effect on global temperature this would cause?
What if the dead are strapped to turbines with their butts all facing the same way and used to provide renewable energy?!? Couldn’t that mitigate the effects?
You need to watch Daniel Radcliffe's most award worthy performance my friend
is that the Harry Potter dude? please provide context
Edit: just watched it. one question: wtf?? lmfaoo I’m not disappointed just confused by that ending
Granted, they already do though, as they decompose, gas is created and leaks out in the form of farts and burps. Now it is just strictly farts and I guess that means morticians just have to worry about sowing the butt hole shut now and not the nose and mouth.
How is it just strictly farts now? Nothing in the monkeys paw talks about burps.
They already do tho
Fun fact! Because the heart no longer pumps the blood rushes to their dick and they get a boner, as long as it’s a male
It's part of why people used to make a day out of going to hangings. they found it funny watching the guy hang as he crapped his trowels then got an errection as he hung.
Even the females get a boner.
Granted. But to Fart, they need to eat.
This took a turn for the horror.
Granted. Every 1 hour, dead people will resurrect and gain full consciousness for precisely the length of 1 wet fart. After the fart they die. This will repeat forever even when their body is gone.
Too late to take it back. Granted. There's not a few farts, but one continuous fart. Due to this, the oxygen levels drop significantly. Many people die because of lack of oxygen, And up to 45% of the earths population commit suicide because of the smell. Alternatively: Those farts Are flamable, causing the earth to explode in a huge ball of flame.
Boy do i have news for you
Granted, but now the living cannot and will have to deal with intense gas pains.
Or you build up farts for an entire life and once dead the mega fart is released
GERD sufferers ahead of the game
If they have enough in their bowls, they’ll fart and shit.
Granted, the billions who have died continue farting and releasing methane through their farts resulting in global warming professing rapidly, far beyond a rate in which humans may stop it. The last humans watch as their species goes extinct while gagging on the collective farts of the species in it’s entirety
This was the plot of Swiss Army Man.
Granted. Every person who has ever died since the beginning of time starts farting incessantly filling earths atmosphere with so much menthane that the global temperature rises to 864F in a matter of hours extinguishing all life on earth which only leads to more dead people farting.
"The foulest stench is in the air. The funk of forty thousand years."
The dead rustle in their graves one last time as the pressure builds to an almost jubilant intensity. Then, all at once, the combined (and seemingly coordinated) fragrant outburst of every dead being in history expels itself in gastric harmony across the world. They called them "The Flatulent Dead" and nothing was ever the same after they came along. Entire towns shut down as their supplies of Febreeze dwindle. J. Edgar Hoover proclaims proudly on live television to the dismay of his extended family, and it was suggested that in his state, his actions should have been expected.
The ozone layer dies on day zero and we know that we are doomed to live out the rest of our days breathing in the hopes, dreams, and burrito supremes of our wistful past. We don't have long on this planet...
I want you to consider one last question though.
When you sit down with your grandmother and help her decide what she will leave behind when she passes, will you have the heart to tell her that you don't like her green bean casserole or will you suffer through it.. one.. last.. time?
Daniel Radcliffe did a movie about this ant it’s amazing
Apparently it’s called Swiss Army Man, gonna watch it tonight
Granted. Energy companies now acquire licenses to drill into graves and harvest this new source of natural gas.
That would make funerals a slightly more enjoyable occasion.
Granted, Jan farting has sped up global warming tenfold because we all still fart long after death somehow preserving our bodies while simultaneously destroying the planet.
I met a guy who was a bush pilot in papa new Guinea. There the government will fly your corpse home when you die, so bush pilots often have to fly corpses home.
This guy told me he had a very packed plane once. So the strapped a corpse, in a body bag, into the co pilot seat. This guy was nervous and a bit freaked out flying next to a dead body (his only passenger) but what could he do.
As he started to ascend, the corpse let out a massive stinky loud fart. The pilot almost crashed he was so surprised. Then the pilot started to really freak out.
"Hello?". "hey buddy. Are you ok". "anyone in there?" He tentatively asked.
The corpse's only response was another loud fart, which freaked the pilot out even more.
Turns out corpses have gas, and as the ambient air pressure decreases (during accent) corpses need to fart.
The hell did I just read?
Granted. You wake up hearing the loudest ass ripping fart of your life coming from your kid’s room. Terminally ill Uncle Joe just had to get one more good one cracked off before dying. He never got the “pull my finger” out of his mouth. As his heart stops, he falls onto your child. Being a large man, you and your spouse struggle to lift his body off your kid. He farts several times each time you move him. You finally succeed and turn to check on your child, then you hear it. The little toot of a child freshly dead.
That’s horrifying - would be even worse if I had a child...
the earth begins to shake
Granted, children now frequently attend funerals to laugh at the farts.
Rap to the beat of the farts
Well, congrats. They do
Congratulations, you Just caused global warming to accelerate Beyond already what it has
I read deaf instead of dead, and it took me a bit to understand this thread.... I'm still not sure if I understand it
That would be interesting- “I wish deaf people could only hear farts” Hahah
Granted, mankind is invincible now, only dying on the outside. When they "die" they are stuck in their body, forever conscious. They feel pain, and they yell out to thier family, "DON'T CREMATE ME, I'M RIGHT HERE!!" As their relatives hand over the dead casket to the worker. They hear the fire and scream, to no avail. They feel the flames slowly climb up their body and the stinging pain reaching their face. Nobody can hear the screams of terror. Your bones finally shatter and your whole body feels like hell. The last thing they see, is the worker pour their powdered remains into a casket.
Granted. Um, why?
I’m fucking screaming 😂
You watched Swiss Army Man didn't you?
I genuinely haven’t, gonna watch it tonight
I am 100% that the bacteria that produce the gas that causes farts continues to live quite a long time into decomposition of the corpse.
granted, but their farts are like wine. the longer they’re dead, the smellier and louder they become
Granted, the effects the excess methane gas materializing into earths atmosphere(since corpses can’t produce methane it would presumably just teleport into the ass and then release as a fart) being emitted into the atmosphere from corpses all over earth increases climate change to the tipping point eradicating all life on earth.
No takeies backes motherfucker
Granted, dead people fart and you take it back to your house by a ventilation system that always spews dead people farts into your house no matter where you live. So you have to always smell it everywhere you go.
Global warming accelerates as billions of years of dead creatures begin farting deep in the rock and Earth. As life starts to deplete, the end only hastens.
Granted. But now dead people also keep pooping and in only 3 short years the world is now covered in a thick sheet of human feces as the population slowly dies from septic related diseases.
Granted, the dirt randomly releases toxic gas that has been brewing for a long time and because most dirt is dead animals, everyone dies due to lack of oxygen.
Granted. Everyone knows you wished this.
Granted. But the gas buildup over time (if the body is buried in an airtight coffin) causes the coffin to explode from gas buildup.
Granted, everytime a dead person needs to fart, she comes back to life and gets out of her tomb just to fart. People start to notice it, and people start to think it's the beginning of a zombie apocalypse. Now everybody wants to be cremated, and all the cemeteries are burned down so the dead people are too. When a person dies, she's immediatly cremated, people start to get crazy, and this leads to an enourmous fire apocalypse in the whole world.
They actually do so nothing changes
Granted. Pockets of methane begin to build up underground in exponential rates. Not only in graveyards, but almost everywhere. With no threshold on how dead someone needs to be, skeletons fart. Decomposed piles of bone and mud fart. Soil farts. It's all you smell, it's in your hair, you can taste it.
They do at first.
Do you want to tell him or should I?
Granted. Cemeteries are weird as hell.
Granted but it is the release of their soul looking for a new body to inhabit
Granted. The ground starts to shake a little, not much of a problem for some people, but soon, as more people die, more fart comes. So after a while the earth collapses because of the amount of shaking happening from the trillions of farting happening and Earth as we know it ends in 2264.
Why not 2263?
Granted. You basement smells like shit now, no amount of febreeze can fix that
Oh boy
They do, at least for the time they are decomposing.
Graveyards stink
Granted, the concentration of gas in the soil accelerated global warming, and eventually we look like Jupiter
Oh man something died up in you! And your point is....
But, but... they do... Oh boi they do....
This sub is fucking dumb
Watch 'Swiss Army Man'.
I’m planning on it- is it a new movie?
Granted. Because of the gas built up inside the corpses, those unaware of their 'condition' witness exploding caskets. From funeral homes to cemeteries, there are mini land mines everywhere causing more deaths and therefore even more exploding bodies. Soon the humans die out and the world is left a barren tundra, all because of one innocent wish
I really hope you’ve seen the movie Swiss Army Man.
Watching it today :)
that would be soooo cool! u can just fart whenever u want and blame it on some 452BC warlord who reigned over 74 kingdoms and had 419 wives and 68419 kids.
never thought about that lmao
Dead people still fart because the organs inside of the body decompose and emit Gass that is released through the anus so technically they do fart
It would make it easier to find bodies when someone drowns
They do
Welp that'd be a great metane production, renewable energy now with moree green effect.
Granted. After people die their corpse slowly rots and over time the biomass gets compressed into fossil fuel. Your future descendants in thousands of years will drive cars that smell like shit.
Dead people can't fart, because they're dead. That's why corpses swell up.
Granted, the farting corpse is Daniel Radcliffe
Granted, the gas build up causes an unnaturally large explosion, causing cemeteries around the globe to cave in.
Granted. The oder from the amount of dead people pollutes the air. It eventually causes a crisis where there is more fart than oxygen. Everyone dies from suffocation in the fecal smell.
They do go watch the movie Swiss Army Man.
Granted. They do.
Granted. The dead reanimate with full bodily functions
Granted. Go read Gyo. That's the world you live in now.
You would enjoy the opening scene of the movie Swiss Army Man.
You’ve clearly never seen the movie Swiss Army Man with Daniel Radcliffe
I haven’t actually - watching it today though. This thought oddly came from my head
Cam you imagine walking past a grave and hear a loud fart
Graveyards would probably sound like concerts
Granted. To do so, corpses not longer decompose. Pockets of gas become forming underground. While most are small and inconsequential, mass graves become large pockets of pressured gas. These inevitably reach a critical point at which they erupt outwards, throwing dirt, gore, and other material as if it were metal shrapnel from a grenade.
Granted, due to the trillions of dead people, the atmosphere quickly gets saturated with methane and everyone dies.
Your username is beautiful
so then if you went to a graveyard you’d hear faint and muffled toots
Granted. Dead people fart forever, filling the atmosphere with methane, accelerating global warming. We all die
100 billion people have died throughout all of human history. Half of them are children. Children have the worst farts. The smell produced wipes out civilization, and the continued release of methane causes uncontrolled climate change and kills all life on earth.
Are half actually children? That’s an insane number
Granted,you always smell farts when you're at your uncle's house for some reason
The body of your Loved one explode whilst they get lowered down into their Graves and a shard of the casket flies Off (because Explosion) and Hits you in the Neck. you bleed Out next to your Loved one,Just Like you Always wanted.
If they continue to fart forever... Congratulations, You have broken the law of thermodynamics! The world ends.
Proud of yourself?
you’re like 2 months too late but I’ll take it
That would probably boost cremation rates a lot now that i think about it haha
Granted,you work at a morgue