Guy showed up significantly heavier in person than in his pics, date went smoothly otherwise. Should I bring up I would be attracted to him if he were in better shape?

He had full body pics on his profile but they must have been pretty out of date. In his pics he was built like Kevin Hart, in person he was built like Jack Black. When texting, he even mentioned he was texting me from the gym, that he loved hiking, and that he rode his bike to work, so I was expecting a fit guy and did a double-take when I saw just how out of shape he was. I reexamined his pics and yup the pics were definitely out of date.

If you don’t find him attractive as is I wouldn’t recommend going on another date and I definitely don’t think it’s your place to tell him to lose weight or that you would be more attracted to him if he did. I would just bow out gracefully and if he gets pissy about it you could gently inform him that his photos are not representative.
Yep physical attraction is important in a relationship if it feels like you are forcing yourself to be attracted to him now it’ll get worse down the line. Best to not waste each other’s time. If you are not interested don’t go on a date if he asks. If he asks why then you can be honest, perhaps you are doing him a favor by letting him know to update his photos
This is like that one time I got dumped on the first date because the dude said my glasses are too big and ugly, unlike my profile pics where I don't wear any 🤓
I will say on the other side of this argument a bit here, I once had someone I went on a date with tell me that my photos were out of date.
The oldest photo was taken 2 weeks prior. None of them used Facebook angles or anything along those lines.
I was... Pretty offended. It's a rare emotion to experience. It's not that she thought I was fat, it's that she thought I lied when I had not.
This 100%
Nah, fuck that. The OP earned the "use your real photos" card.
I can't believe you people would agree with this sentiment. He deserves it for not being honest
but do you want a dad bod now, or a dad bod later?
no real difference in the end.
The one thing I disagree with is that it definitely is her place to tell him that she would be more attracted to him if he lost weight. He misled her with out-of-date photographs, and she was initially attracted to the person in the pictures, not the person who he is. That's on him.
This happened to me on AFF. What peeked my interest was his profile photos. Super hot messages from him. We meet for dinner. I’m not sure they even were his pictures! Nice guy. Good conversation. Zero attraction from my side. Walks me to my car. Says he wants to do this and that to me. I had to go anyway. I end up saying nicely. Mark your pics were different then in real life. I was attracted to those pics. While I still think you are cool, I’m just confused.
But on another hook up, guy comes to my house. 6’2” which is nice. Not a requirement but nice. I look at his face. I say to myself, oh boy I’m in for a long five hours. I did not find him attractive. We made a plan to hang out besides having sex. I don’t know what it was but I kept my mind open. By the time that 5 hours was over boy was I hooked on him! Crooked teeth and all. Never works out. Tall & slim. Kinda of a wild man but he was so nice and so good in bed, it is what did it for me. And guess what, it started mutual and I think I blew it. I gave away my power when he knew I totally dug him. Oh and not to mention a significant age difference of 22 years. I think he dates strippers. 😔
So I thought his face was still pretty cute but his body looked too out of shape for the activities he described (texting me from the gym, hiking, riding his bike to work) and so I was wondering if he would slim down if we actually did the hobbies he described doing. I am still on the fence about him and that’s why I want to bring it up. He was interested in a second date so I wonder if it’s better to have an open conversation?
I had a situation like this, I just said I wasn't interested. If he'd asked why I would have told him, but he did not.
Would you? This is kind of tangential, but I’m kind of in the same situation but the genders are flipped. We met through a Facebook group and were Facebook friends before meeting, so I looked through all her pictures online and she looked very cute and fit, possibly a little thick but I like that and I’m about the same. But when we met in person she was properly fat - neck and all. We had a fun day, and of course to accentuate things a couple of her friends showed up and the woman there was a smoke show, so it was kind of in my face that I wasn’t on a date with my ideal appearance. Later on she messaged me and asked if I’d be interested in something more, I told her no, she asked why, I told her I just didn’t feel a click and based on experience I don’t pursue if I don’t feel something right away. She pressed further and asked what it was about her. I didn’t reply because I was driving, but now days have gone by and I feel bad.
My plan if I ever get back to the conversation is to double down on “I just don’t feel it, I don’t know why” versus saying “I’m not into your body type.” Am I wrong?
Nah dude, date him or don’t. Not your job to change people. Maybe he’s someone else’s kind of attractive
It's kind of a majorly asshole thing to go on one date with someone and then ask them to lose weight for you... I'm almost wondering if this post is fake. This shit is ridiculous, I'm surprised this is even a consideration. Pictures always show the best side of people. So yeah, date him or don't. But don't ever decide it's in your right to change someone else who you don't even know.
The problem isn't that he's fat, it's that he lied. Huge red flag
This right here. This is first and only reason I need to walk.
I think this is quite the jump to make, that he deliberately lied. It’s very easy for people who see themselves in the mirror everyday to minimize in their heads the changes that happen over time.
I’m surprised it took me this long to find THIS answer. I don’t understand the need to tell someone why you’re not attracted to them without provocation. Just end it properly and go.
This here. It's a red flag. The dude obviously knows that he's bigger as well but doesn't want to admit it.
If you don't want to be fat, don't be fat. If you are a little chubby, own it, sell it, live it. Don't pretend.
Both are problems?
If you’re not into dating fat people and your date shows up fat that’s a problem, and not just because of lying
On the dot! Absolutely right! As a guy and reading your post. It seems like you are more concern about the lie than his actual body.
I mean I would feel the same way. Online picture is a solid glass coke bottle and she comes out looking like a melted plastic coke. If be shock too.
I’d say just let him off easily and that’s it.
🥇 this right here yes
Yeah, the lying is the hardest part. Looks change for lots of reasons. But you have to own wherever you are. The
Chicks never do that ...
Do you think people can't work out or ride a bike regularly and also be overweight?
Anyway, no, you should just tell him you're not interested. Anything else is rude.
Yep, working out and riding a bike isn’t going to make any significant difference to his weight if his diet isn’t right. Especially if he’s using the gym time on weight machines instead of cardio. Diet is the overwhelmingly number one factor in weight gain and loss. People can exercise all they want and still be overweight. He likely didn’t lie about those things. Although he did misrepresent what he currently looks like.
How do you get that assumption, they’re just saying that the guy saying this stuff lead credence to the fact he’s a fit person.
Just say you aren't feeling it and keep it moving. As a fellow fat person, we already know when we've gotten bigger. You mentioning it makes you seem like a jerk. Don't tell him you would only find him appealing if he lost 20 lbs because that would only end up in self-loathing and would mess with him.
To anyone looking at this post and siding with OP, realize that things happen to change someone's weight. Depression, medication, pregnancy (which doesn't involve this guy but it happens to others) along with other things. Anyone of us could be in that guy's position. Have compassion and don't belittle the person just say you didn't feel a connect during the date.
🥇Poor person’s gold for you!
Same thing happened with someone I dated for a month, I kept my mouth shut but it eventually ate at me and I had to end it, it just didn't feel right and I felt bad about dragging it on. The issue is people not posting up to date pictures thinking they look the same as they used to a few years ago.
This hasn't happened to me so I'm not sure how I would react. It's not cool to deceive people. I struggle with my weight and always use recent photos on my profile. I definitely got a lot more matches a couple of years ago when I was 18 lbs lighter, but using that photo on my profile now would only lead to disappointment when I showed up in my current state. I would expect to be called out. I don't understand why people do that.
As others have pointed out, physical activity has little to do with weight. Up until December, I was riding my bike to and from work every day, in the gym 3 times a week and hiking/swimming at weekends. None of it matters if you eat too much. The only way for me to control my weight is by logging and controlling my calorie intake religiously.
I am probably much like the guy you describe. This time last year I was slender with well defined muscles, abs, etc. I have gained about 30 pounds since then and it's not because of exercising less it is because of my diet. For most people, maintaining that physique requires constant attention to your diet. I found it very frustrating and as a result didn't keep up with it. It's possible he is in a similar place.
I think it’s a reflection of one’s lifestyle.
You currently don’t have a sustainable lifestyle. You either restrict or binge.
TBH, that’s also what I don’t look for in a partner. I think a 10 pound variation through the year is normal. Anymore and it’s a lifestyle issue - eating badly, drinking too much, not sleeping enough, not exercising enough, etc.
If you arent into him just say you dont feel a connection and that's that. If he gives you blowback you can either block him or tell him he misrepresented himself.
You dont owe him an explanation because he knowingly did it and will probably keep his pics as is.
As an obese man, I get this and do my best to portray myself appropriately in my profile. That being said, I've met women on dating apps that have used 15 yo photos on their profile. I did mention to one that her pictures were outdated. I think saying that is fine. I'm not sure what "I'd date you if you lost weight" would do to the guy. It may motivate him into more gym visits or it might send him spiraling into depression. But you should definitely tell him you think he should update his photos to be more current. Kindly.
You don’t have to go on additional dates. Pointing out his weight would put you straight into troglodyte territory.
He knows he’s heavy.
Don’t be a troglodyte.
Just date who you’re attracted to and use your weight and body image advice for yourself and no one else.
All that said, if he gets angry and demanding if you text him to decline future dates, then yes say something.
99% chance though that he’ll be embarrassed and won’t ask why.
I agree with this, I wouldn't say anything.
I've been on a few dates where the pictures were really misrepresentative of how they looked like in person. First time was about 13 or 14 years ago, this girl initiated contact with me, she looked like an 11 out of 10, I mean she looked exactly my type to the letter. We were even sexting each other before our first date. In fairness she did mention that she thought she was fat, but I thought she was just doing that thing that a lot of girls do when they're not fat, or maybe she thought she was fat because she quite obviously had huge boobs, but she didn't look fat at all in the pictures. Anyway we met up and she wasn't an 11 out of 10, far from it, but we did have a good fun anyway.
I treat any date where we have good fun as at least a half success, even if there isn't chemistry, it would be far worse if it was a really awkward date with someone drop dead gorgeous but we have absolutely nothing to talk about.
I don't think I could ever be so brutal to tell anyone that you look like shit, or you're fat, or your photos are way too flattering or misrepresentative. But I am all about the positivity.
Just simply say there was no chemistry. You dont have to tell him hes too fat unless you want to.
In this case I have no problem if you comment on His weight because he knew exactly what he was doing when he posted old pictures. Just like women who take high angle photos to conceal the fact they are aay larger than their photo
Let us say he was still nice. The fact he cant be ok with himself amd put his real self out there is a huge and tremendous red flag in my book. If hes willing to hide his weight I dont even want to know what else he'd be willing to conceal.
I personally wouldnt comment about the weight because it's not worth the hassle to deal with the insecure dude afterwards. For me I'm only 5'6 maybe a little more if I stand up straight but I dont go putting 5'9 or taking photos under lower door ways like some psycho. I'm okay with being short as a dude.
I will never understand dating catfishing. It's only a waste of people's time.
Don't lie, She should tell him she's a shallow cunt
You have a right to like what you like, and you don't have to make any excuses.
What you don't have a right to do is any kind of body shaming. The easy way out would be to say "thanks for a great night, but I didn't feel a spark" and leave it be. I suppose you could call him out for being deceptive with his pics. It's not very honest to have them be that out-of-date.
You don't know him well enough to express any genuine concern for his health. At this stage it'd just be perceived as criticism, so I wouldn't go that route.
You're probably better off just taking the easy out.
Fuck off with your "looked unhealthy". If you're not attracted to him, that's fine, but you've met him once. You're in no position to comment on his health or weight. Maybe he's on new meds that made him gain weight, maybe age is fucking up his metabolism. If he's going to the gym and being active, he's not unhealthy.
Fucking Lizzo dances on stage for 2 hours a night WHILE singing and people who get winded walking a mile wanna say she's unhealthy just cause of how her body is built.
I mean, if he was at the gym and rode his bike to work, and used to look like his pics, chances are he's on a journey to get back there. If the date went great, I would go out with him again + sometimes the attraction starts with personality and develops in to physical attraction. This could be enhanced by him working out.
If the date was just okay though, cut him loose.
But if you don't go out with him again, don't tell him it's because of his weight. That's just cruel.
I just want to hop in to say that people of many different shapes and sizes can exercise-and well. Check out Mirna Valerio, an ultra marathoner in a larger body as one example. We also have no clue what someone’s going through to get in a smaller body. It’s possible he was sick, or starving himself, or going through a rough time. Reinforcing that he’s only attractive at that size could be pretty damaging if that were the case. People’s bodies also change throughout their lifetime and there’s no guarantee he’d stay in a smaller body forever, so it’d be not ideal to date someone if the attraction is only based on that. You’ve no obligation to be attracted to him but I don’t think it’s helpful to tel him why if that’s the reason. A simple “I don’t see the kind of chemistry here to take it further” will suffice
Could I use a term other than chemistry though? Maybe “I have a different type and imagined you differently based on your profile pics”?
It's not your job to be attracted to anyone.
This happened to me not too long ago. He was significantly heavier than he led me to believe. To the point where I imagined I would kill him if we got physical (he wheezed just walking). I had recently lost over 80 lbs and I am working out regularly and he knew this. More importantly, eating a meal with him, I really got the impression he would suck me back into that junk food death spiral I had gotten myself out of. We remained friends and I have gently encouraged him to lose weight.
There is nothing wrong with your lack of attraction, but don't tell him. There will be someone else who finds him attractive and it's okay if it's not you. Telling him to lose 20lbs first would be a pretty dickish thing to say.
In 2018 I broke up with my girlfriend of a year mostly because I wasn't attracted to her anymore. There were other reasons of course but that was the main one. She was becoming pretty overweight and eating a LOT. I didn't have the heart to tell her, so I ended it. I couldn't help the fact that I wasn't interested in sex with her (it was pretty bad anyway). It took me a while to not feel as bad about the way I felt. It's only natural. Physical and sexual attraction matter, and if it's not there then you can't be expected to pursue the relationship.
I'd recommend that you go with the "Sorry I don't feel any connection" approach.
Ghost-ers should be shot
Just say you don’t want to go out with him again. He deserves to be with someone who finds him attractive as is.
Then he should probably post accurate and recent photos on his dating profile.
This sub is wild
The guy is basically catfishing and it’s nothing but sympathy for him even though he’s lying and wasting peoples time. Do you know how much it sucks to go through everything involved in setting up and going through with a date when it’s a complete waste of time since the person lied and you’re not attracted to them?
OP is well within her right to tell him that he’s being deceptive by intentionally using pictures that are old and don’t look like him, at the very least
He mentioned he was 32 and never had a girlfriend because he was the fat kid. He has an online dating account so clearly he WANTS to date, he even wrote he was looking for a long term serious relationship.
He lied to you. That’s your reason to not continue dating him. You need to tell him that you didn’t feel a connection and then move on. He doesn’t need to know why, even if you are angry at him for misrepresentation.
He’s also lying to himself. I’m a heavier woman and I know that it’s hard to accept that you’ve gained a lot of weight when you were previously smaller. It is a tough pill to swallow, whatever the reason. It carries a lot of shame. Very few people purposely become overweight. He’s used those pictures because that is when he felt happy in himself. He will be comparing himself to those pictures every day, and feeling like a failure for not looking like that anymore.
Maybe he’s working out because he wants to get back to that. Maybe he thought he wouldn’t get a date until he’d lost some weight. Maybe he’ll work his butt off and still not get back to that physique.
Either way, he doesn’t need you to point out that you’re unattracted to his obesity. Society and the media does that for him every day. Believe me, he will know why you don’t want to go on further dates.
You two aren’t compatible. Move on. Be kind.
Tell him that you aren’t compatible.
Hmmm... I mean, if it is that obvious that hes gained weight, then he lied. This could easily lead to, what else is he not being honest about?
I mean you can give him a chance or two to come clean and address the issue, the point isn't simply physical(although that matters as well), but does he not care/respect you and he enough to be honest? If he gets hurt or angry over this, is this an indication of how he handles confrontation/conflict?
Idk I do think sometimes attraction can be built the better you get to know someone. I agree it's not your place to say he should lose weight but you have every right to mention that his pics are misleading.
You could just say "I was surprised that your pictures were so outdated. You didn't look like them. What's up with that?". Like, maybe you're right, and he is self-conscious about his weight and fully expects to be back down soon, but he still lied. It's not rude to ask about that. Which isn't to say he'd take it well, but I think targeting the lying is better than targeting the weight itself, since he's probably more sensitive about the latter and that can quickly be twisted into a conversation about you being shallow or whatever. I don't think you are, but it could be twisted that way by someone feeling attacked.
if they can't fix it in 10 seconds (acne, weight, hair color) don't point it out
I wouldn't say anything like telling him to lose weight. Just bring up the observation that he looks different from his pics and that's it. Also don't keep seeing him if you aren't attracted to him.
Info for next time: Always Skype beforehand. You get the vibe, see if/how much they lie and get a better picture of their humor without having to leave home.
I'd say don't go out with him again. He lied. You didn't call him on it which means to him it's a-okay to lie. That's one fuck of a rabbit hole of possibilities. All bad.
I seriously deleted my account after the first date I had through the app. Looking back, I think that my date was rather mentally unstable. Aside from looking much older than her pictures and stated age, she smelled of cat urine even though her profile didn’t mention any pets, she kept bringing up marriage in a roundabout way, and just gave me creepy “misery” vibes.
Tbh, I’m going to stick to meeting people IRL from now on.
The deception alone should make you walk away. I get not being confident in the way you look but he should have told you, "those pictures are a little out dated." He didn't. This is catfishing but less extreme.
He lied out of the gate, run!
Honestly though, if this was about a girl instead of a guy, you people would be gang banging OP.
Jesus imagine a man said he really liked you but you are just too ugly because your profile pic was edited.
U have nothing to gain so it's best to move on.
If you don't like who he is more than those 20lbs, you'd be doing him a favor by not going on another date with him.
This thread is a trainwreck. He deserves better.
Definitely let him down nicely, but it is his fault for not posting recent pictures. Maybe if the difference wasn't so large she wouldn't have been so disconcerted. He deserves someone who accepts him for himself, she deserves someone she is emotionally and adequately physically attracted to at least.
How does he deserve better? He completely wasted her time by lying about his looks
How in the world was he mistreated?
Omg! This advice is awful! HE LIED TO YOU!! Who care of he's fat, he fucking lied you, tell him you don't appreciate being lied to. Ask yourself, would you have gone out with him if he had recent pics of himself up, looking like he did on your date? If the answer is no, then move on.
I think the advice is more around whether she should tell him she'd be attracted to him if he lost weight.
If her question were posed around whether she should point out the pictures being out of date (or photoshopped or whatever), I think the answers would be different. It's still rude to point it out, but far far far less rude and far less problematic than commenting on his weight. You can politely ask about some of their pictures, when they were taken, etc, without being a douche about it.
They are two totally different things.
Holy shit thank you, this thread is absurd. There are people straight up saying that the guy deserves better, like what the fuck?
Somehow I get the feeling this thread is full of people who also try to deceive people on OLD with old/misleading pictures..
I agree with others on here. Be concise and try not to make up an excuse just to sugarcoat the rejection.
I will say, guys can lose weight a lot faster/easier than women, so maybe he is just in the beginning stages of working out again? He probably struggles with depression and his image if he has always felt like the fat kid. Not your job to fix that though...
I see where others are coming from but when I gained weight I was in denial. It took my girlfriend telling me I had gained weight to snap me out of it. She feels bad that she did that but it didn't hurt me. It just made me go "oh shit, you're right" and I lost the weight.
Keep in mind that that came from my girlfriend at the time. Not some rando. Either way I'm guessing he's in denial like I was.
Assuming this was in the US, we just had a month+ of holidays based on eating. I am literally at the gym 6 days a week, and even outside of holiday imbibing my weight can go +/- 15 lbs just based on what l eat (salt is the woooorst). I had rocking abs mid November, now I definitely have a dad gut lol. I mean, he is probably completely full of shit, but l would at least entertain the benefit of a doubt and see him again if you really did enjoy his company. But at least one more date would confirm, you cant get THAT fat in a month without it coming off quickly.
Yeah it was definitely not just 15 pounds, more like 40 on a guy with a small frame. In his pics he also looked early to mid 20s, which I had attributed to him being Asian but in person he definitely looked his age. I think his pics were 7 years old or even more.
Just let him know you're kind of shallow so he should just move on.
I feel like the fact he lied so hugely by displaying pics that weren't a true representation, is a deal breaker red flag. Nope.
If this guy was 20 pounds lighter would you sleep with him OR want a relationship with him? Losing that 20 pounds may or may not be easy for him, but do you see him as a forever guy? If you tell him to lose 20 pounds and you still aren't into him, then what happens?
Are you from Canada? Lol this sounds soo much like my ex
Was he the same height as Kevin Hart too?
He was 5’7”, Kevin Hart is 5’4” I think
That happened to me. Went on a few dates (too many) with a guy that was much thinner in his pics. He’s a good 75 lbs or so heavier in real life but he has a cute face. I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t attracted to the whole him and it’s not fair to continue if you aren’t attracted to him/need him to lose weight in order to be attracted to him
Damn Holmes that’s cold
If a person is gonna misrepresent themselves, I'm sure there's other things they're willing to not be truthful about.
I've personally gained 30 lbs when going through stressful times that messed up my sleep and lifestyle and then promptly lost them again in 6 months or so.
If you otherwise like him enough to see yourself potentially in a long term relationship, you can give him another date and see if the topic comes up. It is a delicate topic though, so it's quite easy to seem like an asshole if you ask about it directly.
Judge him from your interaction with him. If you're not interested, no second date. You don't need to explain and hurt his feelings. If there is no chemistry, there is no chemistry.
I remember I went on a date and someone told me he loved the scent of any girl to wear Vanilla. I GTFO. If he liked the scent that much he can go to bath and body works not some try and change some stranger he barely knows.
If he already can try to switch bait you, he will do anything to try and control you. You’re dealing with someone that sick right now.
I just had this happen tonight. Called him out on it- apparently he didn't even know what pics were the profile cause he doesn't really use the app.
Bullshit. But whatever. Other than being a good 100+lbs over what his pics showed, he was nice and cute (ish) and we have a good bit in common.
But damn... the misrepresentation..
(Note: I am currently fat myself- to the point I got weight loss surgery back in a couple months ago. I have this noted in my profile, as well as recent full-body pics. I'm not strictly against fat guys, but have issues when it comes to intimacy. My issue is the misrepresentation.)
Hi, single dad here, with slight "dadbod" who is working on slimming it down to a flat stomach. I will probably go against the flow here, but I absolutely think you should tell him. We men get ghosted and unmatched thousands of times for reasons we will never know. The very few times people have told me why they didn't want to talk to me, I really appreciated the positive feedback, because it allows me to make changes and better myself. It's great that this guy is actively going to the gym to better things, but he should not be "selling" himself based on what he used to look like, or what he hopes to look like in the future...which may never come to pass for all we know. The bottom line is, you don't choose what you are physically attracted to, it just kind of happens right? I'm not attracted to overweight or fat women, but I'm also not attracted to men. Neither of those factors are things I "chose" it's just how my brain works.
TLDR: you're entitled to be attracted to what you like, and positive, respectful feedback is a good thing for this guy to hear.
Imagine: what would a guy do if you were fatter than your pic? Be cold AF & try to get on the catfish show.
The person that got me to stop online dating was 100 lbs heavier than the photos both in her profile and she sent me when we were phone texting. They were from 8 years prior. She only told me this after I met her in person. I felt she was deceptive.
Then as the date unfolded turns out she had just kicked out her fiancé the morning when she had told me she's single and living alone. That ensured she's just a deceptive person.
If he’s too fat for you to find attractive then show him some respect by not making him deal with dating you when there is someone out there who will be attracted and care about him exactly how he is.
For all those saying “he lied and that’s the problem”... my profile doesn’t have very recent pictures either and I’ve lost 50lbs since my last photo... am I lying too about actually being fit and healthy now or does it only work in the opposite direction?
Red flag. I hate people who cat fish, but since the date went well, I’d bring it up. Otherwise, this is what you’re gonna get...
Just ghost because it's an internet date and you determine what social norms apply.
Guy starts off the relationship by lying.
Need I say more?
I have a couple of conflicting thoughts here.
As a person who has quite literally been avoiding dating apps because of this issue (formerly in shape, have autoimmune disease and health crashed two years ago. Unable to get off the weight, and I literally see a weight loss doctor regularly).....he needs to accept it and take new pics, or let people know when they are chatting that he’s not as in shape as he used to be. I’ve done this. It is dishonest not to.
But also, yes OP, you are being most people. I’m not saying that as a personal attack, I’m saying it in the same way that one might say most people are socialized to have implicit racist biases, because it’s true. People gain and lose weight over the course of their lives and long term relationships. Try not to hold people to a standard that you would feel unfair if it was held to you.
With that being said, you are not obligated to do anything here, except to avoid being exceptionally cruel.
No, she isn’t. Not being attracted to fat people isn’t fatphobic in the slightest,
ITT: Tons of
no its called being a human being. Imagine the white knighting if the gender's were reversed?
Depression and stress does that to you, though you should no judge, since if the guy is genuinely back in gym, he is trying to get back to him oldself. See if you can find out, if he has trouble with job or personal life before you meet up, because that will explain out of shape body.
The heartbreaking moment in this would be if he trained hard and had an insane trauma that lead him back to this. or he had some surgery and relapsed as well. considering the ammount of calories you use up to bulk, it is quite easy to get fat when the training stops.
if he was buff before then he can go back to being fit much easier than someone who had zero training.
another thought - do you want to hear about people's injuries and traumas and what you would call as 'excuses' on the first date? i guess most people wouldnt.
it is most unfortunate, but the realistic outlook to all of this is - people go up and down in weight and fitness all the time (even if you are hardcore training - lean vs bulk looks obviously quite different, the first one looks good for those pics for the instagram, second one is generally going to be stronger). now i understand that the guy in question didnt just have a few extra kilos up in size, but generally - if you are upset over a few kilos then you should just grow up. this attitude might catch up to you when you eventually get some unfit period of your life or if you are a woman you will be all over the place when/if you get pregnant. i doubt you would love to hear 'sorry but that extra fat means im gonna have to leave you' in those situations. that would be totally immature and ridiculous wouldnt it?
at the end of the day - if you dont like him, dont start anything.
Just be honest. You have his best interests in mind. Any sane person will take the constructive criticism and take action to fix that.
You don’t need to make a flowery emotional speech about it, just be honest.
Lying to someone, or omitting the truth helps no one.
If he cares, he’ll do something about it.
If he chooses to ignore it, that’s on him, not you.
See here it comes fishy guys that makes other guys who are really fit or eats healthy look bad. Honestly I’m fit and work out 🏋️‍♀️eat healthy and take care of my body. And whenever I mention those things in bio. Girls may think that they are lying again just like that guy that did to you. Feels bad man.
Definitely bring it up.
"Look, we need to discuss that hunk on your profile. When were those pics taken?"
hit the gym and invite him to follow your routine, he should get the message and join in.
ITT: Body shaming. But it's ok because it's a man being shamed.
Now for the advice. Move on. Just ghost or make up an excuse. Under no circumstances should you tell this guy to lose weight. Nor should you try to do it in a sneaky way like asking him to meet you at the gym.
He's better off without your judgmental ass.
Does this mean he was funny, at least?
What do you see in him besides his weight? It was just one date and he lied with false advertising. Move on and find someone you’re attracted to right now. Waiting for people to change is one of the first mistakes in dating that you’ll regret.
Can you imagine if someone revealed that they weren’t attracted to you and were waiting for you to get into shape? How would you feel?
He was dishonest with you because he showed you out of date pics. Feel free to call him out on that!
I like your honesty. We know girls like guys that are in shape. He maybe doesn't know what he looks like. I am athletic but my body looks like shit. I know that most girls have to overlook it. It is what it is.
It's ok to bring up weight to most men unlike women
I’ve read through enough comments to simply say this: you’re fatphobic and don’t go out with him again. He doesn’t need your fatphobia.
Additionally, for OP and some others here responding: there is no way to look “unhealthy”. There’s stigmas as to what you think it looks like, but not every fat person is unhealthy. Just like not every straight sized person is healthy.
You keep using that word. I don’t think you know what it means
It’s fatphobic to not be attracted to someone who’s fat?
And being obese is straight up unhealthy. Just because not every person with a normal BMI is healthy doesn’t change that being obese is always unhealthy
Are you just in it for some cheap fucks? Because if not, I'd try to find out first whether you like him as a person or not, and only start to try and see if you can help him with his dietary and exercise choices later on when you've established a base.
Tell him! Be like dude, why don’t you look like your pics? I wasn’t expecting all this shit. I like heavier guys myself but there’s a cut off in the weight deal.
Men are more visual, women more attracted to honest, fun, wealthy and you have to be a really good listener with only Yeses as your answers. But ya my X hit up on match.come and get me” with a couple of snap shot posers that didn’t look like the pics, before she missed me. Of course she puts out few grand on face, lip and xxxx to find Mr. next. Chemistry in relationships is never perfect. My pics get me in trouble. So I make sure it’s only a good head shot. Lol.
Google “bulking” as it pertains to weightlifting. A lot of guys do this without a personal trainer/dietitian and end up looking fat and unhealthy from all the bad foods they’re eating, but then they “cut” and get back to their profile picture by summer. The purpose is to pack on calories to build bigger muscles. Hard to say without seeing pictures but it tracks with your descriptions.
there is a difference between not pointing something out/you making assumptions and being actively mislead.
"I am going to the gym" does not mean "I am fit." you interpreted it as that when it could also mean "I am trying to get fit."
having pictures that show you from your best angle is what we all do. having pictures that are insanely retouched by face-smoothing apps is also something that happens a lot. all that is to be expected.
however: being actively mislead, meaning being i.e. told "I am fit" when that is not the case is something that would indicate future trust issues to me.
alas, you were not happy and therefore all this is moot. you are not obliged to go on another date.
Yes I think you should. Wouldn't hurt. He might excercises some more beacuse of that and you might be more interested nothing wrong with stating your preferences.
Diplomatic but honest is the best bet I think. Even if the truth stings, you’ll be doing him a favour in the long run. You may have moved on by the time he has shed the pounds but at least he’ll have a much better chance when he tries again with someone else
What favor is she doing him? If people intentionally out up old photos what is she I forming him of which he doesn't already know?
It depends, you have to make your own decision based on the probabilities on your own experiences and the current conditions of both you and him.
But there is always a gray zone between tell and no tell, how to tell, tell how much, and maximize gains, min blames max gym, price is more experience in language, knowledge, etc.
One more thing, you can't really do 0% tells, your interactions with the environment always exposed your information, your concerns, and people usually don't tell 100%. It's all about the info transfer speed over time.
Control the corresponding rate with attentions you be willing to pay while interacting with him.
Oh and how much the informations he can decode, the efficient information delivered
Meet him at the gym. Not spying. Set up a time to go together. See if he’s really trying to get back to how he was.
You shouldn’t say anything. Ghost his ass. He’s already dishonest & you’re already not that attracted to him. Fuck it. Find someone in shape if you are. Don’t settle.
Now if you’re a fatty... you may wanna settle.
Go on a second date and ask those things you need to assess the situation
If you go about it well, he will not even realize the background and you'll get a clearer picture without telling him he's too fat
Tell him to lose weight. A man wouldn't hesitate to dump a fat woman. Give them that same energy.
So I would say you aren’t attracted to him now? If not you shouldn’t hang out any more. Tell him to lose 20 pounds and call you back. Put the effort on him. If you still like him 20 pounds heavier then hang out but disclose the caveat. Just be transparent about it.
Sure, if you're an asshole and get off on making someone else feel bad, go for it.
See I am getting advice like this but also advice like “don’t you dare mention his physical state, just say you didn’t feel chemistry”