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Husband putting pressure on me

I gave birth to our son 9 days ago. I was in labour for 14 hours and had to get 2 stitches for a small tear down there.

Comments
Your husband is abusive. Tell someone, please. You're not safe. This is sick. If he is trying to stick his d*ck I. You 9 days after you gave birth, you need to get you and your baby out and to a safe place. This is not how a loving partner behaves. He is disgusting.
Very selfish of him. Don't let him pressure you into it, it could hurt you and possibly cause permanent injury. Your post is very concerning as it sounds like he has little regard for your consent or boundaries and is bordering on sexual assault. Have a read of this article:
Put him out back. What a nightmare person. Your health and healing come first. He’s still gotten blowjobs despite the trauma you’ve just been through. What a selfish asshole. To top it off that’s rape. One hundred percent.
OP, please can you let us know you're alright?
Having a baby is such a huge moment in your life. Hormones run riot , your body has changed so much and feels just weird (and painful, very painful) , and you've got this tiny little thing needing you for everything thing. This on its own is enough and the reason why so may woman struggle, even with a supportive partner.
Your situation has an added issue, your SO does not get any of this and is demanding sex as well. Iam assuming that he demanded sex before the baby too, which is another issue but is also not okay. Now the situation is at a critical and dangerous point. Your baby and your health is now your priority. NOT HIM!
Other commenters have said it, but you need to find a safe place and stay there. Find a rape crisis and domestic abuse organisations near you (this IS domestic abuse), if you don't have family or friends nearby. Please get out and give your self time to heal and get used to being a mother. If you can't do it for you, do it for your baby. He's shown his real self clearly, and while he might be good with the baby now is be concerned what other abusive behaviour he is capable of.
Take care of your self and your baby first.
Ok this is fucked up ESPECIALLY the fact that you’ve already expressed you’re not ready or interested and HE STILL IS TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION AND IS WAKING YOU UP. WTF.
RAPE
He’s a rapist. He’s repeatedly tried to rape you in your sleep despite you having a bleeding wound. I wouldn’t want to sleep in the same room as him.
HE IS TRYING TO RAPE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP PLEASE LEAVE HIM
My wife works labor and delivery as a nurse and says lots of women don't follow the 6 week suggestion and get messed up. Your husband needs counseling. Send him to a counselor or sex addicts anonymous group if he can't control himself. He's the one with issues.
It's rape, you said no he's trying anyway. Take the baby and go stay with a friend or relative until he gets his head outta his ass or you leave him for good. Sorry but that's not ok.
I'm so sorry. You're not wrong to not want to have sex until you're cleared by your doctor. You wouldn't be wrong if you weren't ready after being cleared by your doctor, and wanted to wait until you were mentally ready, too.
Are you on birth control? If you are, please make sure that he can't tamper with it. Sexually coercive people are very prone to birth control tampering.
What he's doing is attempting to rape you. He is not pressuring you-- he's harassing you. You are actively afraid that he will force himself inside you while you are unconscious. You aren't overreacting here, that is so bad.
I'm sorry. There isn't some way that you can say things just right and convince him to back off. A person who can be reasoned with is not the same kind of person that would attempt to force themselves inside their unwilling partner while they are unconscious.
I'm very worried that he will succeed and hurt you. I'm worried that he will get you pregnant again, and that you will be even more trapped.
I really think that this is beyond talking-- you are in actual danger here, and you need to get yourself and your baby away from him.
Can you make an escape plan?
What the actual crap...
Sounds like a rapist mentality.
What a sick person. . .
If you have a spare bedroom, I would sleep in there and lock the door. Tell your husband that you will be sleeping in another room because he is making you feel unsafe and uncomfortable. The fact that he continues to cross the line despite that fact you already told him No is not okay. You need to be direct with him and let him know that he is crossing the line and that he is being inappropriate.
Not cool on this dude.
Do you have a safe place you can stay with your baby? Your husband is an abuser. He does not respect your wishes or doctors orders. In no uncertain terms he must cease and desist!
He's tried to rape you in your sleep. Call your doctor, the police, your parents ... Someone now!!! Get out of there.
I know sex was great the baby is the result, but this is not a good thing at all. You really need to have a sit down with him because this is a clear breach of boundaries
Edit: I want to add that my wife had to have C-section for both our girls. Doc said to wait a month, we did that and still took it VERY gentle on the day that we did have sex
this is horrifying. you're bleeding because you aren't fully healed yet, and getting an infection can be deadly. i don't really have much advice here, but your concerns are totally valid you just pushed a watermelon out of your body less then two weeks ago. i was so sore for a month afterwards and i waited the 6 weeks and it still hurt, i don't usually advocate the leave him/break up/divorce option but this is deeply concerning and i hope you find a way out. it might be scary to think about and figure out but in the long run it'd be worth it. spousal rape is still rape no matter how he tries to spin it.
i don't typically like to judge people and not going to get into the whole rape thing, but as someone who has had 2 kids with his wife sex was not on my mind 9 days after birth. especially for the 1st one. it was all about supporting her, making sure she got rest and wasn't over stressed i mean for god sakes she just pushed another human being out of her body as well as the anxiety of can I do this, will I be a good dad and thinking about my new daughter. It's more concerning to me that his mindset is on sex more then anything TBH and worse off that he's adding to her stress by forcing her to give BJs every morning when she has enough on her plate right now. If he's that hard up he has hands
if he “puts it in you” without your consent. That’s rape. I would be questioning him why he needs it. Because honestly this doesn’t sound normal or safe at all. Please talk so someone outside of Reddit. Call your doctor and schedule an appointment and tell them in the office. Heck if your in Florida I’ll pick you up and bring you.
i don't typically like to judge people and not going to get into the whole rape thing, but as someone who has had 2 kids with his wife sex was not on my mind 9 days after birth. especially for the 1st one. it was all about supporting her, making sure she got rest and wasn't over stressed i mean for god sakes she just pushed another human being out of her body as well as the anxiety of can I do this, will I be a good dad and thinking about my new daughter. It's more concerning to me that his mindset is on sex more then anything TBH and worse off that he's adding to her stress by forcing her to give BJs every morning when she has enough on her plate right now. If he's that hard up he has hands
What? This is completely dangerous and inconsiderate and selfish.
Your husband is being completely unrealistic and unreasonable.
You've only been healing for about a week, and been taking care of his needs in alternate methods the whole time? Unreal.
The sheer disrespect and lack of concern for your health! I'm sorry but the relationship would be over for me.
That’s called coercive rape. RAPE.
He can take several seats.
You gave birth 9 days ago. You uterus is not closed. Your vagina is torn. You can suffer an infection or a further tear.
He's trying to rape you.
If it were me, I would take the baby and head to a family member or friends house. That's all just too much, especially right after having a baby.
Trying to put it in? You mean trying to rape you. You have made it clear you don’t, won’t. He is forcing himself on you while you are incapacitated.
I don’t understand some people. That’s so selfish. You give in too much. You’re too nice. My wife never gives bjs over 30 secs. I’m lucky to get them twice a month. Don’t be so nice.
Are you giving your husband blowjobs everyday because he is pushy? This makes me a little jealous but lost of all angry. Jealous because I wish I could get blowjobs from my wife when I need it but really angry because you just gave birth to a kid! To his kid! What the heck is wrong with this guy? And pushing you to have sex?! He clearly needs a wake up call. He is selfish and is going to destroy sex for you. How will you enjoy sex in the future if he can’t be there for you and just love you and help you and understand that this is difficult for you! I’m so sorry! You really need to talk to him about how you feel!
Nine days? The fact that you're even blowing him daily (out of obligation and pressure) barely a week out from giving birth is kind of crazy. Not to mention him trying to violate you in your sleep, especially when he knows it could hurt you.
He needs to focus on taking care of his baby and wife (who just went through a traumatic labor and has fresh stitches) and less about his dick. Don't let him push you into sex too soon and risk injuring yourself.
Step 1: Buy vaseline and slather on
Your husband is giving some red flags, I'm so sorry
Oh my gosh. Your husband needs a tongue lashing from his mom or something. I tore inside my vagina and had stitches inside. We tried at 6 weeks and it hurt. So we waited 2 more weeks. We had to go very slow. Your husband should be happy that you have giving oral sex at this point. Wear some pants to bed so he doesnt have easy access.
If he tries it. He would hurt your very badly.
As an L&D nurse, you really need to listen to the medical advise that was recommended. You could reopen the tear as well as get different types of infections. Let your body heal first. He’s making this about him vs your well being. Also... he sounds like a sex addict. This is absolutely not ok. This is harassment and attempted rape. He needs serious help.
Without your consent he is attempting to rape you. There is such a thing as marital rape and he needs to back the fuck off. I am so furious for you right now
Girl. What kind of place is your relationship if your husband is ready to rape you while you sleep and tear your insides up because he's horny? This is a full stop no go. You will be in so much pain, bleed, and possibly tear internally and externally, and possibly get pregnant, which you will have to abort because your uterine wall will still be too thin to carry a fetus without rupturing.
If he doesn't stop, kick him the fuck out, this is your life.
I waited five and a half weeks and that was a mistake, tell him to calm down if he cares about you he'll back off
Please do not have sex before you're ready. It can cause permanent damage if you do it too early. I know it's stressful for your partner to have to wait, but he has to be understanding in this situation. Doctors say 6-8 weeks for a very specific reason. Please do not give in until you're ready.
Ugh. I'm a horndog for my husband, but when I had our youngest by c-section we actually waited until I wanted to have sex to have sex. He didn't even ask for bjs or handjobs in the meantime. Your husband needs to keep his dick to himself, and if he can't do that, he needs to stay away until he can.
His lack of concern for your body and well being is absolutely disgusting and insane! I had my 4th baby 11 months ago and my husband was scared to do anything once I was ready. He wanted to make sure I was completely healed and emotionally ready for sex again. He was that way with each pregnancy. Showed me nothing but the utmost respect. The fact that you even consider giving him a blow job nine days postpartum should be enough for him. Him attempting to rape you is very disturbing.
Your husband is acting like a dog in heat! If you can, please get away from him. That gaping wound in your uterus could easily be infected. Who is going to care for the baby if you end up back in the hospital? Think of yourself and baby. If he can’t wait he can pound sand!
This is insane. Please take care of yourself. He’s not mentally okay.
Your husband is attempting to rape you without regard to you health and wellbeing. This is not how a loving husband behaves, this is how an abuser behaves. Do you have somewhere safe you and your baby can go? A family member or a friend? Even a hotel would be better. Please, call
9 DAYS???? Punch him in his junk. KESUS!
don't see a lot of male perspective in here so i just want to add i totally agree with the general consensus here. I wouldn't dream of asking my wife for sex until the doctors recommended time period and even longer if thats what she wanted. Even oral every day seems like way to much to ask for. He is not being caring or considerate of your feelings or your body. "just slipping it in" is called rape. Everyone is quick to say "Leave his ass" but i know thats like the hardest thing you could do especially with a new born. If you haven't had a serious discussion with him about this yet you need to. I suggest maybe letting him read this thread? the perspective all these people might help. I am sorry you are being treated this way when you both should be enjoying the first few weeks of your childs life.
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I don’t know I don’t think it is dramatic to be disgusted by repeated attempted rape.
Jesus. Why are men like this?
He needs to give you a break! You just literally pushed a human out of your vagina. Tell him to stop whining.
Also, rape.
What an asshole.
Don’t entertain him with a conversation about it (I’m assuming you’ve already tried this approach). Simply say “no” and walk away/roll over. End of discussion.
Buy him a flashlight, put googly eyes on it, tell him to close his eyes and pretend because 9 months is going to be a long fuckin wait otherwise. Googly eyes just for fun.
Not to scare you but please take everyone's advice and at least take your baby and stay with family or a friend for a bit if your husband can't respect you enough. It's not ok at all that he's trying to rape you while you're sleeping. You've told him no, you're not ready, and he could seriously hurt you so if he can't accept that then you need to be away from him while you heal. Personally I would be so upset about what he's done and think differently about the relationship but I think you need to take some time for yourself to recover from labor in a safe place and think about that later. ❤
He should respect your body, your boundaries, and your feelings. He doesn't care about you or your health by the sounds of it. I'd leave him. Him putting it in you while you're unconscious when he knows you don't want that for MANY solid reasons, IS rape.
I'm glad he's good with the baby and helps out a lot. However, there is no "good deed" or "goodness" that can outweigh the negatives here. There is a name for what he is doing, and there are no possible scenarios where it would be considered even close to acceptable. You need to draw a line in the sand.
Please send him the link to this post so he can read the replies himself
9 days?! I’m pretty sure after I gave birth I didn’t have sex for like 8 weeks lol. My husband never complained
It is very scary to give birth and the pain and uncleanliness after is uncomfortable, to have someone trying to force you would make the experience so much worse in my opinion. I couldn’t even sit in a normal bath or anything for how long after and he just wants to tear it back open or what?! Ugh
It’s NOT just a guide, you have a gaping hole in your uterus that needs to heal from where the placenta detached and waiting to have sex until youve completely stopped bleeding for several days is super important to avoid infection. He’s being a total douche by not having respect for you and the boundaries you have set for YOUR body. He doesn’t get to decide that you’re ready for sex, you do. He should be grateful that every morning since you’ve had a baby that you’ve blown him. Like it’s been less than 2 weeks, realistically you should be in bed resting so you can heal. Ungrateful bastard.
What you’re experiencing btw has a legal name of “Marital rape” and you can report him for violating you. That’s not okay, this is abuse and you should leave.
Oh honey I'm sorry your husband is such a dickweed. I had vaginal surgery when I was 17 due to problems menstruating and even my horny 17-year old boyfriend at the time was totally fine waiting 12 weeks until I felt healed enough to have sex. Your husband is completely out of control and trying to rape you.
If this is true and not a troll, your relationship needs to end. You have been raped by your husband.
Imagine being a person who hears a medical professional tell you and your wife you need to wait 42 days before sex and being like "nah, 9 is fine". What in the actual fuck...
but he didn't even wait 9 days to stop. He's been harassing her since they left! so he thought zero turn around time was FINE. He's really selfish and dumb it seems
This is horrifying to read, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please don’t give in to this, listen to your doctor and please, please wait until YOU are ready. If there’s any way you can get to a friend’s, a relative’s, anyone’s house where you’ll be safe, absolutely go there until he gets his act together.
awww sweetie...so sorry. First, congrats on your sweet baby. What you did...birthing a baby is a full out miraculous event...but also like having major surgury. Did your husband not see the delivery? So many people called it as it is...but I just wanted to ask..was he selfish like this before the baby was born? Or just the lack of self control issue? Why is he willing to put you through pain for his own selfish pleasure? Are there other areas of your marriage where you see that sort not thinking about you? I had stitches...and it takes time to heal. He has no idea. If he continues to pressure you...this is not ok and I would make sure he knows that you will let him know WHEN you are ready and he is not to ask again? Take him to your next doctors visit and allow the doctor to share with him the "trauma" you just went through. Patience, love and grace is valuable in a relationship...and if you aren't seeing that from your hubby you might seek out counseling? Do you feel safe in general around him?
Holy fuck. You just pushed out a human being from your body just a little over a week ago and he is THAT desperate to not only risk tearing your stitches but to try penetrating you while you sleep?!? He doesn't respect you. He is not taking into consideration that you just had a major medical trauma on your lady bits, he doesn't care you've just been sewn back together, he doesn't care that your still bleeding, and he ESPECIALLY doesn't care that you said no. Follow doctor's orders and don't have sex. That rule is there for a reason, for YOUR safety and wellbeing, not his.
Jesus Christmas! Fuck that guy. I mean definitely don't fuck that guy. His reasoning and what he's asking for are absurd. You should 100% follow the doctors instructions. I can't believe that there are guys out there like this. I mean I've made some ridiculous requests and said insensitive things, but NOTHING like this. Six weeks isn't even really that long. Seriously WTH?
Look him straight in the eye and ask him if he pushed a watermelon out of his dick nine days ago if he thinks he would be ready for sex about now.
If he says yes, he doesn’t actually give a fuck about you and what’s best for you. Someone like that does not love you. I really hope he comes to his senses.
Him just slipping it in when your on a medically necessary sexual break and you’ve voiced that your not at all interested = rape. He was trying to rape you IMO. He knows you don’t want it / he shouldn’t be trying and he’s forcing it on you in your sleep.... that’s not love.
You husband is needy. Leave this guy
I’d suggest OP sleep in another room or even the couch if she can’t get to another house.
Thwr are many different reasons your doctor says to wait 6 weeks
This is madness. It's self-evident to any person who isn't totally insane with horniness that the six weeks advice is given for a reason; the medical profession has nothing to gain by needlessly sidelining people's sex lives.
My wife and I have two kids, both delivered by c-section, and both times we followed the doctor's post-operative instructions to the letter. To do anything else is lunacy. She had very little interest in resuming sex after our first baby and so it took much longer than the prescribed eight weeks (it's longer for c-section recovery). The second time, she complained to me while we were still in the maternity ward that she wished we could have sex. That time we got back in the saddle as soon as she was cleared. I sure as hell didn't get daily blowjobs either time...in fact, I can hardly think of anything lower on her priority list than my sexual needs when she was recovering from childbirth while taking care of newborn.
I have absolutely zero sympathy for your husband, and I say that as a grade-A horndog who can't get enough of my wife and am always, always DTF (like, I can't think of a time I've ever turned her down for sex unless I'm sick or something). Clearly he doesn't understand how good he's got it if his nine-days-postpartum wife cares enough about his needs to give him daily fucking blowjobs. There is no excuse whatsoever to ignore medical advice so brazenly, not to mention the fact that he is attempting to rape you in your sleep.
This muthafucka needs Jesus.
as a fellow husband and father i agree with every single word of this comment.
you are a great husband. your wife is very lucky <3
I wish I could give this comment an award.
This is spousal rape you really need to look into it, he is also abusing you. HE controls you he can’t stand that you are telling him no and the drs are telling you when it’s safe to have sex he is only seeing you as an object I would highly recommend you leave if not for you, for the child
So on top of all the other asshattery he's pulling....
Yeeaaaaaaah time to quit giving him ANYTHING.
This simply is not okay. A man trying to do this is not mentally right and that's considered rape as well even as your husband marriage rape does exist.
Your husband is abusing you. Tell your doctor, your mom, sister, friend. Anybody. You just gave birth to his child. You need time to recover. His behavior and actions show complete utter contempt for your feelings. He does not respect you. He is gaslighting you.
Read
If he can't control himself, you need to take your baby and leave. That is abuse. I am horrified for you.
Oh he can control himself, he just doesn't care enough to.
Your husband has tried to rape you while you sleep, if it were me I'd be consulting a divorce lawyer
There is always a solution. Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. Did you get stitches on your butt hole tho?
God you are a disgusting pig, but you already know that. Please don’t ever procreate.
Seriously?! She’s been giving him a blowjob every day. That should be plenty.
You’re crazy for suggesting anal sex when she just had a fucking baby 9 days ago. Your entire nether region is involved. Many people tear. The first time you poop after delivery is freaking scary. How about he just back the fuck off and leave his wife alone!?!!!
Careful not to cut yourself on that edge, mouse.
I take it he didn’t witness that baby come out did he?
I didn’t but even I knew what happened there and kept quiet for months after.
He’s a prick. Tell him so.
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. You just had a baby, you need to let your body heal and that means NO sex. You even gave him oral instead, this isn't about sex this is about power and control on his part. He is showing you who he is, don't walk away, RUN! Get a restraining order and get legal custody of your baby. It's only going to get worse. This man does not love or respect you. Here is the contact info forThe National Domestic Violence Hotline you would like to talk to an advocate, we recommend using our chat feature, or contact us by phone at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
From experience with my second pregnancy, WAIT THE FULL AMOUNT OF TIME and then still be extremely gentle and slow. Your recovery sounds exactly like mine. I was advised 6-8 because of my tears. We waited the 6 (with a lot of handies and blowies to get him through) and I was feeling ok, so we carefully tried. NOPE! it hurt so much! My body just wasn't ready, lube didn't help. It was terrible, it stung and ended up causing bleeding. Ended up taking about til the 12 week mark until it felt relatively normal.
EDIT: I chose not to address the husband issues because everyone else had. Yes he's being a selfish asshole. I got a rude and accusatory PM saying that I'm telling her to stay put up with abuse. No I'm not, at all. My postpartum experience is relatable to the actual question she asked, so that's the information I offered up.
You should share all these replies with him. Maybe he will understand what a bad husband he is being.
Do no do that OP. He could lash out at you.
Tell him that sex without consent has a name. Then tell him goodbye.
Seriously how does someone think that that is okay??
Not to mention that it's rape, you're bleeding because you have a large open gap on your uterus. It takes at least 6 weeks to heal. Any thing put up your hooha can cause infection, sepsis, etc. He's basically saying your body and health aren't important to him. Please get help, leave, anything. But don't let him pressure you into it. It's not worth the chances of getting my hurt.
Exactly! There is a wound on your uterus the size of a dinner plate. It’s dangerous to have sex while your cervix is still open. It hasn’t even been two weeks!! He’s a horrible person and I hope she leaves him over this.
Get out!
Happen to me, not the birth, but the rape during a medical issue and exhausting. Didn't believe that the person I was with was capable of such thing. I was 20/21, I was sick and under a lot medication, we were living together and for the first time I asked him to not have sex. I needed at least a week of sleep! Well, one night, after him saying that I was a dumb bitch, went to literally rape me during my sleep. I woke and start to yell and he chocked me and stopped only when he realize that he was really killing me. I had the marks for weeks and for a lot time I blamed myself.
He was so sorry after that. Using all the "charms" that he learned I like to manipulate me into staying and this type of abuse was only the start. I was slapped for a tasteless dinner. I was chocked because I was late. I was punched because I found his cheating and it was my fault. I was literally throw outside our apartment with no shirt and bra, because I needed to learn how to be respectful.
So, yeah. If you don't want to pass what I did, just prepare yourself to leave. Pack your things, take your kid and report him. There so many skilled people in reddit and there is a sub for legal advice, they can help you to understand how to get a restraining order or get him out of the house, since you have a baby!
Don't waste one second more on this person, please.
That sounds awful. Good on you for leaving.
Others have already said it but you've just had a baby. You and your body need time to recover. Sex is meant to show love and to establish intimacy between a couple and that is not what he's doing, it's completely selfishly driven. I'm wondering why your husband is behaving so immaturely right now.
The fuck! My wife needed 9-months post episiotomy to be ready for sex. Nine DAYS? How fucked in the head is your husband normally?
yup, i had like 50 stitches, needed to be knocked out. it's different than a C-section too.. it's very painful down there, since that's where the baby came out. I've had both and you have to be fully healed. my natural birth took a lot longer.
took me 6 months before i wasn't in huge amounts of pain. it was a looooooong time before anything intimate.
"I don't want to do it and I'm scared he'll just slip it in one night and it's gonna really f*ckin hurt."
Honey no.... this is not good. It's your body. If he does this it is assault. Please get help if he does... don't be quiet about it.
Also can I just add you should really consider and I mean this in all damn seriousness .. punch him in the freakin balls.
What a trash man. You deserve much better. Don't let trashy entitled men walk all over you. You're worth so much more. ❤️
It’s rape. If he does it, it’s rape.
Your husband is an asshole and is not taking no for an answer. Do you have any friends or family you can stay with, where you'd be safe? You've just pushed a child out, have been given a 6 week time by the doctor, and he's trying to make you have sex, while still bleeding.
You should probably have some time away from him if you can, because what he's doing is non-consensual and dangerous. Something goes wrong, it's you back in hospital. You said no and he isn't taking it. Please look after yourself and your child.
Just because he's good with the baby, doesn't mean he can just have his way with you. My wife had a c-section and I wasn't even going to try and initiate anything until she felt she was ready. I may have joked every once in a while but I was not going to try and force intercourse on her. He needs to get it through his skull that your health comes before his sex needs wants.
Your husband is trying to rape you while you're asleep. Knowing he is likely to harm you. Disregarding your doctor's advice and the fact that you just delivered his child.
Is there somewhere else you and your little one can go? Because you're not safe there.
Holy hell!!! This is abuse. Wow I really wish I could punch the hell out of this guy but that wouldn't solve anything. What do you say to him? I suggest something like, "you're not a doctor so take it somewhere else and leave me the hell alone until I'm ready to have sex." And maybe have your doctor talk to him.
He sounds like an asshole. He needs to go with you to an appointment with your doctor and be told to his face to leave you alone. No means no. If he forces you, that’s rape. What a piece of shit.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. This is horrible!! Tell him directly that you are not ready and you will let him know when you are. It took me about 6 months to be ready again after my c-section. If he still tries to force you, well that’s abuse and you can go from there.