I would love to find a way to start "friendly benches" in Manhattan. Or, like I just heard on a recent podcast (perhaps Hidden Brain, but I'm not sure), a "grandmother's bench"...not sure that's what it's called...where people can sit one at a time with an "older person" (it doesn't have to be a woman) and talk about things that are challenging in their lives.
If anyone has any thoughts about either of these ideas, I would very much appreciate it.
54
Bless you, Nick Kristof. Bless you.
41
The dog recommendation? I know it's hard to believe... but some of us are not dog people. In fact - some of us are struggling right now due to the proliferation of dog culture and that we can no longer rent in a pet-free building or go out in a park without a furry creature running up and jumping on us, etc...
40
Fast approaching 80, with many of my friends already gone now and never having been shy, I make it a practice to strike up conversations with total strangers wherever I go about politics,
sports, the weather, whatever.
Now and again these efforts fail, but for the most part they don't.
I run into some nice people this way in grocery stores, doctor's offices and while walking my dog, and at the end of the day I have exchanged a few brief observations about life with three or four new people who I will greet fondly when I see them again.
For me, this works. Along with reading, music, movies, politics and my dog and cats, I am never lonely. I urge other people to give up shyness and give this a try.
96
Good idea overall, but dog companionship is, I fear, a weak substitute for those who really need more practice learning to interact human to human.
If American culture were more accepting of vulnerability it could take strides in this area, such as de-stigmatizing seeking mental health services; but that acceptance is a long way off still, I believe -- the efforts of Brene Brown, Leslie Jamison, and a few others "leaning in" to vulnerability notwithstanding.
30
Not sure why more efforts not being made to build Over 55 communities (post-child-rearing), and co-housing communities across ages. Of course, which affordability ranges and integrated services. We suffer from a lack of imagination, and the private housing market is not incentivized to create spiritual ecosystems.
Another problem: not enough free social amenities - music, arts, exercise. Socializing is always food and alcohol and too expensive if anything else involved.
Also, there is some social awkwardness that arises from cultural diversity - language and discussion barriers need to be bridged through shared activities.
Thank you for the article, there is so much potential to be tapped as far as solutions.
39
Your summons here feels akin to Pete Buttigieg's recent acknowledgement about the crisis of belonging in our nation and what is means to bridge divides. (He sounds like a candidate that would embrace a Minister of Loneliness concept). While I prepared for the effects of my divorce no one mentioned the looming reality of loneliness. It think your message here is a significant step in the work; we must name this reality without feeling shame that it is one. Coming from the busy "married with children world" where I lived amidst a community of "married with children", I couldn't put my finger on the feeling at first. What was this odd vacancy? But once I could name it I had to begin the journey to de-stigmatize it first with myself and then as I mentioned it with others; until you're in the midst of it yourself, loneliness is a foreign concept. Perhaps part of the empathy work in communities is stating the obvious: When these particular realities occur in someones life, they will feel lonely. We need to create ways to talk about it like we talk about death or chronic illness and the supports that come with those as well. Thank you for this article.
41
Great idea on appointing a Minister of Loneliness, but perhaps we should provide all of our citizens with healthcare first.
49
A lot of the loneliness problem would be cured through the promotion of kindness. Kindness connects people. It rewards giver and receiver. And nature made us this way so that we can support one another.
It is hard to connect people when we are being disconnected from each other more than ever.
It is noteworthy that Gen Z is the most stressed of the generations. One potential reason? The use of digital socialization rather than in-person.
40
Those who practice the recommendation to state their goals in the positive reap a great benefit. Similarly, it seems that to title a "Minister of Community" would be more fruitful than a "Minister of Loneliness"
30
I remember there was once a candidate for mayor of Denver who promised to appoint a Director of Happiness for city residents.
15
The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
We live in an age of greed. The age of Trump. True happiness comes from helping other people out of the goodness of your heart. But in this cold untrusting time , how does one start? In a country that elected Donald Trump, where he is cheered, where can we expect mercy, and who will believe we deserve it.
31
Get a library card!!
24
It's really admirable of Nicholas Kristof to respond directly to his commenters. Good going!
40
I always thought the meals on wheels program was so important because not only did it make sure that housebound seniors were getting their nourishment but it also gave them a human lifeline in the world. Our wonderful President, the one who gave an obscene tax break to the rich, cut funding for this program. Just as it is the tender mercies that keep us human, it is then offhand cruelties that turn us into monsters.
60
I think of loneliness as in part a condition of industrial society--it's something that our workaday world encourages and to alleviate it I think we would really have to start by dismantling the assumptions that go along with being a member of that world. At this point in America, there are more adults who use some sort of substance to help them get through their day than adults who don't. We blame it on our bodies or on our minds, but we don't think about how the demands of our society produce many of these stressors. One of them is undoubtedly loneliness--better to dismantle the industrial mindset than find a "cure" for loneliness.
20
I propose a community service requirement of all people. Everybody would have to register indicating their particular interests and skills. Animal lovers could go to schools or homeless shelters and let others experience their pets, dentists could go to classrooms and talk about oral hygiene, veterans could go to park events and talk about their war experiences, masons and carpenters could repair or build for public or private needs, financiers could give investment advice, cinephiles like myself could host movie night at the library (bibliophiles the same for library-hosted book clubs). Politics junkies like myself could attend or participate in debates on local or national issues.
Rather than focusing on -while masking, by euphemizing as the Baroness seems to resort to- vulnerabilities, focus on very real social, cultural and political priorities that can only be advanced by drawing on the real talents, skills, interests and inclinations defining everybody's specific identity. People especially devoted to their religious congregations could "serve" by participating in an interfaith chess club, particularly one bridging conflicting communities.
Everybody should be encouraged to propose, via internet, activities and programs they deem contructive. Even moderating such requests would be a form of service, as well as coders working on the website or software.
Those who especially enjoy the participation could increase the time commitment.
15
Lonely? Consider a small house in the city. We passed on a larger house in the suburbs for a 950-sq.-ft. house in a dense, walkable, neighborhood close to downtown Seattle, in easy biking distance to the University of Washington, and served by excellent public transit. We've become closer as a family of three in our small house, but the game-changer has been the much stronger connections we've made with our neighbors. Yes, we're in tight quarters, with small houses 10 feet to either side of ours ... and we like it that way. As I wrote in my book Little House in the City, our home doesn't stop at the front porch or even at the front gate. It includes the sidewalk garden beds, the street, the neighborhood and the whole city, all near at hand.
43
The worst thing they ever did was this “daylight savings time ‘ thing, who doesn’t feel lonely and depressed when the sun sets by 4:30.
49
First of all, I don't! And guess what, most other people don't either! All you've said in your particular comment is that you are more of a "day/morning person" than a "night person," & probably incline heavily toward the former in the extrovert-introvert scale. I don't think you should assume your particular preferences & personality apply to all. I for one (like so many, many, many others) prefer earlier onset of nighttime.
But second of all, you totally confuse what daylight savings time is. Daylight savings time is, as the term itself indicates, a scheme to increase the number of daylight hours, so the sun sets later on the clock. DST is the government's program to accomodate people like you (at my expense). When we turn the clock back in fall, that's just an all-too-brief return to standard time based on the position of the sun (peeking at noon). In early March we move the clocks forward to have the sun set at a later hour, starting daylight savings time.
DSL was orignally instituted for energy conservation & economic stimulus (more daylight for shopping & productivity) generations ago. But it was massively expanded by several weeks by George Bush around 2002, primarily to accommodate business lobbyists. A number of serious public health problems (spike in heart attacks, children injured or even killed commuting to school in the now dark early morning, hit by cars, etc.) result.
I "agree" with you DST is a total disaster (most especially George Bush's expansion!!!).
10
As a widower of 3 years, I have two dogs living with me. I make a point to become acquainted with my neighbors, get on a first name basis with them, haunt yard sales, and use the opportunity to have conversations with the people I meet there. I know the people who regularly bring their dogs to the off leash parks I visit, And I welcome new members of the neighborhood, regardless of cultural appearances. Family members that I didn't formerly know well are now inviting me to dinner parties and yard events. It did not come naturally, I am somewhat of a hermit by nature and I had to learn it. It took some work, but is now pretty easy. If all this makes me live longer, fine; I just don't want it to seem longer.
39
I would like to help. I am old but am mobile, drive and have time to visit lonely, older shut ins. I have thought of delivering Meals-On-Wheels as a means of making contact with lonely, poor and shut in people. How else could I make contact with people who would like a visit and some human connection.? Suggestions appreciated. Thanks.
17
@ex-everything
Friendly Visitor Program thru the Jewish Family Service in San Diego
11
We should always differentiate between being a loner and being lonely. I am a loner. Born in 1946, never married, but I have 5 siblings and 10 nephews and nieces; in touch with most of them. I am a real bachelor. No sneaky illegitimate kids. Never shacked up with a girl-friend. My thinking was if I am going to live with a woman I should marry her. Besides there is nothing more romantic on a Saturday night than getting all decked out for your girl-friend who you haven't seen in a few days.
Now I have been lonely, but lonely for someone. Not lonely, lonely, but lonely for her. Otherwise, the crowd can pass me by. I lost interest in the crowd back in my teens. The crowd encourages LCD (least common denominator) in conversation. Very boring. I was happiest with one girl-friend and a best friend. Go dancing with her and shooting the breeze with him. Otherwise, I am busy reading books.
Now if there are people who don't have a girl-friend or a best friend, well, I supposed that might be a problem. I have often not had a girl-friend, and my string of best friends (which began in kindergarten) ended about 10 years ago, but I am fine. Still got sibs or nephews and nieces. When I lunch in a restaurant (most days) I am more worried about being disturbed reading the paper with my bacon and eggs then having a chat. Not very chatty in the afternoon. Different strokes for different folks.
22
First the human species must decide that it even wants to live with each other. And that means seeing each other as ‘fellows’ in life who we want to have good lives like ours, including all of life’s essentials whatever it takes. Not as ‘others’ in our way or to exploit.
Then we must figure out how to live with other.
Both propositions are daunting, especially in a winner takes all structure like America’s where we teach children to share and adults to hoard. We need to keep the children’s motto throughout life if humanity is ever to get to a higher, connected and sustainable existence.....or an existence people of conscience would want to live, which is something very much in doubt in our harsh, greedy and intolerant collective world.
21
@JAR "We teach children to share and adults to hoard". Well said!
13
People are too busy to make connections. Modern American life requires fealty to the work place, long hours, and sometimes constant contact with the office. It sucks up all the mental and emotional energy a person has. Away from work, people just want to catch up on home chores and vegetate in front of the non demanding television.
I also think there is a level of competitiveness dominating American life. Never admit to having needs; never admit to feeling overwhelmed to anyone, ever. It's a sign of weakness. And your friends don't want to hear it anyway because that might lead to too much involvement; they just don't want to know. Deep friendship can't develop when people won't share their vulnerabilities and don't want to hear about others'.
48
I hope you're not conflating aloneness with loneliness. Many people are happy being and working alone, and lead healthy, productive lives. They may have brief periods of loneliness, but know how to cope and recover. They don't need wrong labels and people misdescribing and interfering in their lives.
16
People grow up in families that teach a craving for approval as a means of control. But beyond that, loneliness wouldn't be so bad in true isolation, provided there were sufficient mental stimulation of some kind. But we live in settings where we constantly get negative social stimulation from strangers, so we need positive stimulation to counter it, or else we need to constantly recognize that the feeling we are surrounded by enemies is an illusion caused by the fact that only negative interactions stand out. Once you recognize this you can develop techniques to compensate for it without having to drown your sorrows in warm fuzzies and strokes.
4
In less than four weeks I will be 79 years old. My children and grandchildren live thousands of miles away. I have lived alone for too many years to count and until recently, have kept busy and relatively social. Unfortunately, I have become so invisible, not only to the world at large but also to two of my adult children who have opted to stop communicating with me. Believe it or not, they are in their mid to late 50's. At some point in their lives, they too will become invisible and will no doubt reap what they have sown. It is a sad world we live in...
42
Why interact when there is so much hypocrisy "out there." The latest example: California recently passed a SECOND gas tax proposition to fund infrastructure spending. Why a second one? Because the legislature grabbed the funds from the first one for their political purposes. And guess what? The governor is now trying to grab the funds from the second gas tax for his political purposes. Who can you trust? Why associate with anyone when you don't know where they are coming from or why? I don't have the time to find out. I'm fine in my castle, thank you very much.
Loneliness is not the same as solitude.
Please do not wage a war on solitude.
It smacks of a police state.The use of the word "war"is not constructive.
Those of us who have a feeling of security and connection without a flurry of social activities should not be caught up in this dragnet!
17
What causes the stress of loneliness is I think fundamentally the lack of a sense of support.
For that, though, freedom as well as company is needed.
People stuck with unsupportive or even downright malicious or exploitive companions are stressed just as much or more as the isolated. For instance, Mr. Kristof will recognize this situation as common among women in 'traditional' cultures, especially after they marry. Marriage can be a kind of slavery for this reason, even though they appear to live in a 'cocoon' surrounded by relatives.
And then there are the introverts by temperament, who are easily stressed by almost any company. They need the sense of support, but much less actual companionship.
20
Seems to me that very many of our problems are interconnected. Nit just drugs, akvolhol, and loneliness, but unbridled consumerism, bottomless greed, enormous work pressures (perceived or real!) and, yes even climate change.
The push to fear others, to yearn for simpler times all helps encourage our current malaise.
It does, indeed, take one on one work to combat loneliness, since that is exactly what it is about
7
It seems that those who are not lonely either benignly or overtly shun those who are AS IF loneliness were a contagion. It’s like the bereaved who don’t receive tlc after a loss AS IF facing the bereaved was contagious. Out of sight, out of mind. The American spirit of neighbor helping neighbor and the understanding of “there but for the grace of God go I” is all too scarce. Just remember: don’t fail to greet a stranger on the street. You have no idea how much your smile and hello may mean to that person. Quiet acts of kindness must take precedence in this crazy world.
18
I am 62 years old, a high school dropout in 1973, and on December 21st I will graduate from UC Berkeley with my first degree. I am concerned about incarcerations issues in the United States, so I'm doing something about it. I created my own curriculum via Berkeley's School of Interdisciplinary Studies. Most of my classmates are 40 years younger than I am. It is never too late to reach out and try new things; to meet new people! New ideas, new perspectives, a new environment keep me young. Plus, institutions and organizations (including Berkeley) highly value older participants / different perspectives. Keep looking and you can find a niche in the world to learn new things and keep engaged with others.
29
I'm no stranger to loneliness; have been divorced for 20 years, no children, work from home. However, I still try to develop relationships the old-fashioned way, getting to know people slowly, over time, often through a common interest or spiritual pursuit. It's a long, slow process, and an investment. It doesn't happen on a timetable, usually. I am reminded that instant gratification is for children, and not adults.
There is no shortage of lonely people looking for an instant connection, and this desperation presents itself as a sort of narcissism or codependence; not sure of the right term. It's the other person, approaching me with an air of desperation that says - keep me company, save me from myself!
I have sometimes felt that other lonely adults have mistaken me for their babysitter or surrogate parent; as if I was put on earth to assuage their loneliness and was not worth getting to know as an individual with unique interests, preferences, etc.
If we do not have an art or a musical or a spiritual practice, and have never located our higher power, we will always be lonely. Other people cannot resolve this, for me or you.
17
If I were going to recommend one single thing that I think could make a huge difference for many - not all, but many people - in terms of reducing loneliness, it would be to reduce the standard work week (i.e., the amount of hours that qualify one for a full-time wage and benefits) to no more than four seven-hour days.
Even if one gets along well with their co-workers, spending time with people at work is not the same as spending time with our community, whoever that may consist of. And working five days out of every seven from morning until night simply doesn't leave enough time to regularly engage with our community, our "tribe", something that is critical to avoid falling prey to loneliness. And for those who are currently isolated it doesn't leave sufficient time to build a community, that network of nourishing relationships that is a big part of what makes life worth living.
24
I think one interesting phenomenon is that we often think other people are not alone or lonely - we think we are the only ones in that situation or feeling that way. If we realize that’s wrong and we keep that in mind, it can spur us to be more proactive in reaching out to other people with a greeting or a question to start a conversation.
20
It would be great to see a study on the demographics of lonely people. Are there any particular groups of people who are prone to be be more lonely than others? Is there a race, ethnicity or socioeconomic class that is more likely to suffer from being lonely? Or is is it simply age-related regardless of other factors? In the US, are there certain states, regions or cities that have more lonely people than others?
I agree the internet probably contributes to loneliness, but in the US I think people's mentality of scarcity and fear of others is a bigger factor. The prevailing thinking these days seems to be if I give anything of mine (money, taxes, time, etc.) to others, then I'll lose something and have less. We seem less willing to help each other for fear of hurting ourselves--which ironically leads to us causing ourselves the very harm we're trying to prevent.
12
I think loneliness has a lot to do with social media and the Internet. People are now used to their phones and tend to forget about the great art of conversation and reading books and other printed material.
14
Outdoors has become very noisy (leafblowers, overhead low aircraft, AC units etc) so people retreat inside where it's difficult to strike up a conversation. It's a vicious circle, because now they don't even realize it's noisy or know their neighbors.
6
I certainly suffer from loneliness and I cannot offer answers. All I know is that the sentiment “you can be alone but not lonely” is a cliche that deserves retirement. Here in Seattle, where the social “freeze” is real, I have found it virtually impossible to make more than one true friend through a chance encounter, and one other friend through volunteering to visit her. Our bond has become very strong, despite a 30 year difference in age: I’m 63 and she is 93. I wistfully recall my college days, when it was so easy to meet people. Now it is very hard. I have no family, no offspring. One woman in synagogue asked me if I had kids and turned her back on me and walked away when I said “no!” I have two dogs. People know their names, but not mine. My dogs do remind me that there are connections beyond our own species that are significant, and this somewhat lessens the pain of solitude.
I think the vastness of our country and lack of good train travel contribute to loneliness, since my few close friends of many years live far away. However, both of them are grandparents and there is a strong yet invisible, impermeable barrier between a single person like me and them.
I lost a lot of my social circle to AIDS and a beloved friend to breast cancer. These were irreplaceable, luminous presences in my life. I miss them daily.
I watch everybody staring at their phones or yakking on them in their cars with a sense of resigned bewilderment at growing old alone.l with no answers.
47
@Auntie social in Seattle: I understand all too well. I am thinking of you all the way over here in Virginia. Take good care.
19
Thank you!
8
Board game groups are great to combat social isolation. I belong to several and they help combat my depression.
15
Certainly our social structure and behavior mitigates an increase in loneliness- no getting around that, but let me offer a different way of looking at loneliness. We can be alone, but not lonely, no? We can feel lonely in a crowd- as well. The operative element in the feeling of loneliness that we often dont discuss is that of a disconnection with self- an absense of relationship- caring/nurturing/attention- to self Many times this manifests at catastrophic times- divorce, death, children leaving home etc- just how lonely a human can feel. If one can begin to develop a relationship with self- at any age- loneliness will still rear its ugly head once and a while- but it wont define your life- no matter you r circumstances
8
In the middle of the Vietnam War, incarcerated in the Army, forced their by Christians (I now affirm), and wondering how to get out of risking my life to kill for Christians the peasant people of Vietnam they called infidels, I wandered into a bar.
I was in Savanna, GA, the other side of the continent from my western home and unfamiliar with the place. Previously, I'd wandered into an all black bar without noticing, but was told to leave.
As I asked for a beer a very friendly man approached seeming to want to chat me up. Then I noticed it was all men. Two were dancing to the tune "One is the Loneliest Number" I nursed the beer and left, wallowing in my own loneliness and with a deep sense of isolation from all that I had once believed in - like America, or Christianity.
2
What's the horror about dying alone? I've witnessed several family members die. I would rather not inflict the spectacle myself on my friends and family.
14
The good thing about cats is that they DON'T require walks, which is helpful for me at age 88.
I have gone to great lengths to try to combat loneliness but have now resigned myself to it. Most recently I offered to volunteer at my local library to help teach computer skills and even to contribute laptops to needy students. At first this idea was greeted with enthusiasm, but then the bureaucracy shot it down. Before that I tried to "adopt" a young immigrant family living in my building, buying toys for the children and having baking sessions with one child, but the language gap was too great, the mom was not fully on board, and the family had already made plans to move away, so that also failed. I read about a project in CA called "Tea With Strangers," which brings people together in real life--though not online--to chat for an hour or two just "for fun." That seems like a great idea but is not available in my community.
Fortunately I still have a job (part-time editing online) for which I am hugely grateful. That--along with grocery shopping, cooking, and looking after the kitty--keeps me occupied, and I do have one offspring and one friend who visit me from time to time. But I understand why people like me ask themselves "what is the point" and think of suicide.
23
As a landscape and urban designer I might add that loneliness can stem from the way we built our cities. Most of us can no longer walk to see our friends because we are so dispersed. Outside the urban core nearly every activity requires an aggravating car ride on a congested highway. Some people maintain their friendships others simply give up.
24
This is a great comment! Our communities are not built for togetherness. But even close neighborhoods require people to open their eyes and put out their hands and arms.
7
Here’s a novel idea: let’s stop rewarding cruelty, callousness and cutthroat competition instead of waging a war on loneliness. If we actually worked to create caring, compassionate, and collaborative/cooperative communities, maybe we would have less lonely people.
27
I have to travel a lot by myself and I find it’s unusual anymore to have a conversation with a seat mate in an airplane or train. We’re all on our smartphones—which are somehow more engaging than a book, even without texting or emailing. In fact, asking a seat mate what they’re reading is often a good icebreaker. You can’t really do that with a screen device without seeming rude.
From my point of view the travel experience has been much diminished.
Some of your posters have suggested common tables in restaurants and I would also suggest space at a bar where smartphones aren’t allowed.
18
Loneliness is not a lack of people, but a lack of connection to those who should be the most aware, but who live totally self centered lives. It has to do with values which have disappeared along with civility, respect, consideration and general kindness. Loneliness is like that infection which is often spread through hospitals...in other words, it starts where one would think help would be the most available.
6
One of the barriers to pet ownership especially for the elderly living on fixed incomes is the high cost of vet care. And daily dog walking poses a risk of falling especially when there is ice and snow. Disposing of cat litter can be difficult. My daughter's dog just had surgery for an intestinal blockage after swallowing an object. The cost was a cool $5,000.
8
Solitude is a good companion.
Loneliness is not.
18
I think our economic system and technology are creating disconnection. People often feel they must be uprooted from their communities to get that job. It is not easy making new friends in a new community that often is not very open to new people. Spending hours immersed in a screen (smartphone, tablet, computer, TV) has become a serious addiction for millions. I know I spend hours more on a screen per week than I did even 10 years ago.
10
I think people are reluctant to be too friendly with neighbors for fear that they'll never get them out of their hair. I had one neighbor who started dropping by for coffee regularly at 7:00 a.m. as I was rushing to get ready for work. I valued their friendship, and I normally enjoyed their company, but I was pressed for time and rushing to get out the door. That's why people can be standoffish with neighbors.
10
Although isolation and loneliness effect all generations, it disproportionally impacts older adults. As we age our social networks diminish: adult children relocate for work, friends move to be closer to their adult children, friends and family die. The negative health outcomes you describe are an enormous threat to our social fabric, individual well-being and the burgeoning costs of health care. According to the National Institute for Health Care Management, a non-profit research arm of the health insurance industry, social isolation among older adults costs the federal government $6.7 billion annually. The Village Movement, a nationwide grassroots community-building effort, is emerging as an antidote.
5
I think a couple of things really contribute to loneliness. First, from the time we are children we are pushed to compete, compete, and compete some more. At school, at work, all others are competitors, not allies. Second, in my part of the U.S. you can't go anywhere or do anything without a car, plenty of money to keep it running, and the physical capacity to keep on driving. I don't mean to say there is no generosity or kindness, but the overarching message is win at all costs, generosity is for chumps. There's not enough respect for the common good in this society any more.
11
The real world is a very tough place.and who Is to say which is the way to contentment and happiness. I know many married men who are absolutely miserable, they feel trapped in loveless marriages, but they can’t afford to divorce. I know many people who never married and are the most content, unstressed people in the world. Love is the most Mysterious of human endeavors, and who is to say it’s not a curse.. The real question to be asked is: is the human race suppose to be happy, because experience shows that the answer is no. We spend our lives trying to achieve things, but ask yourself this question: in your entire life , how many days of that life have you been truly happy. Then ask yourself : how many days have I been miserable. Some have supposed that the human face is being punished and this is the purgatory of another world. This life we have been given is full of hardship, sadness and fear. And experience teaches us to be wary of people we don’t know. How can we change this world, can it be changed, until humans evolve, the best we can do is try to do right , and hope somebody comes along in the meantime to change things, Begin the change with yourself . The biggest problem with this world is that evil never sleeps and seems to flow from an inexhaustible source- the desire for more. But there is so much beauty in this world . Inner contentment comes through wisdom. There is something greater than ourselves , that understanding is where you will find happiness.
11
I was a latch-key-kid in the late 40's into the 50's. Then of course I was not longer a kid. Growing up I learned to fend for myself to a great extent -- yes mom had all the stuff availabe -- and, of greater import, I learned how to be with myself for the hour or so between my coming home and being able to go out until dinner when mom came home. Site of all this, around the corner from Ebbets Field, Brooklyn, when Brooklyn was Brooklyn.. Yes we had books, radio, etc. and I did have homework to do, but I could be with me. Perhaps "trained" wrong, even today I enjoy my "me" time, and even covet it. I can not relate to those people who have to be constantly "socializing", those who feel "left out" if they are not in someone else's company or do not have an engagement every Saturday night of the year. Not lonely am I, I have a partner, some friends, and am content --- not in transitory "happiness" -- just content.
13
The song goes "One is the loneliest number since the number two." Many of my friends get married or partnered up and drop off the planet. I will never have a partner who can't handle my close friendships with others.
5
Thanks for this column. It’s hard when those that are lonely have limited social skills and limited motivational ability to try to find connections. I see this often. I don’t blame them, but it’s a common catch-22.
5
Weather makes plenty of deference. We were in Hanoi this summer. 100 deg days night time temperature fell to ..90! Everyone was outdoors. Waking dancing playing roller skating. It was fascinating to see multiple dogs as passengers riding scooters. Every where there was laughter. People could not afford Air conditioning, so instead of complaining they just went outdoors. Many elderly people sat on benches watching the world go by.
We found the same in cambodia. Hot humid long summer days everyone was outdoors picnicking, food vendors selling their wares in no time. Same thing in Singapore. And Hong Kong. These crowded cities are full of energy.
It’s hard to have this kind of human contact and exposure in cold weather and countries were people relish their independence isolation and solitude..as long as they are healthy.its when they fall ill, things fall apart.
12
The biggest contributors to loneliness these days are online entertainment and Amazon and other online shopping sites which make it too easy for people to simply stay at home and avoid real interaction with people.
10
The seeds of loneliness sometimes take a long time to grow. As well as helping those who are lonely now, perhaps we should also talk about how to live so the likelihood of being isolated in your later life is reduced.
Some suggestions: Be kind; be tolerant; be curious; be open-minded; be generous; practice empathy and be prepared to change your opinions. As Emmerson said: "a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small mind...." to which I'd add that it's also a major ingredient in the recipe for loneliness.
10
I'm live in Pennsylvania and attended. meetings daily. no more. Trump supporters spout their lies constantly. This is common and affects groups and families a lot.
12
Lonely people of the world - Unite!!!
10
Having traveled by train, west to east, on both Amtrak & Canada's ViaRail, I noticed this difference. In the US those boarding the train instinctively looked for empty seats before stowing their carry ons & seating themselves.
In Canada, often as not, a passenger proceeding down the train aisle looked for someone to sit with & promptly engaged in conversation.
Common or uncommon, perhaps my experience was at variance with the usual.
10
Outstanding article.
I recall the real Patch Adams doing a lecture in front of over 1000 Psychiatrists - where he quite accurately lectured us for prescribing so many antidepressants "for LONELINESS!!!!!".
Having treated hundreds of people for Depression, I would suggest that for Mild-Moderate forms of this illness, the central problem is indeed lack of connection to others.
However, just saying to people, "OK: go out,and meet more people!" almost never bears fruit. Most isolated people have already tried that, faced terrible rejection, and have packed it in.
This is a very serious public health problem, and deserves careful attention. This article is truly timely and very much appreciated.
20
Not being from here originally, and not being great at making new friends anyway, my ‘friends’ here are ‘couple friends’ I’ve made through my husband. But these connections just don’t fill my heart like the friends I remember from my childhood or teenage years. So I’m resigned to the fact that friends like that won’t be had again.
In the last six months I’ve had two enjoyable conversations on my own with somebody new. Two. The fact that this is notable is rather sad, in and of itself. Both were in line-ups: one was to see Mayor Pete in NYC and the other was in Toronto at a David Sedaris book signing where I had a long and lively conversation with a woman that lasted until midnight (his book signings are long!)
I’d love to find ‘my people’ here. A new close friend. But I suspect the whole endeavour will just end in dead ends and disappointment or that I’ll give off a stench of desperation and scare people away, so I don’t even try.
15
Is it really a "War"--or more like the manifestation of bad community designs in America. I grew up at a time where there was a center to the City. Someone thought about the details. How to get around conveniently. But seems along with proliferation of capitalism came proliferation of cars--hardly an antidote for loneliness.
5
Having seen both our mothers’ lives become progressively more isolated as they aged, my husband and I are working with a group of new friends to create a Cohousing community in our hometown. Begun in Denmark, Cohousing communities are springing up across the US, offering private (smaller) homes with many common facilities. We look forward to sharing some meals every week in the common house and to encountering neighbors when we walk out our door.
13
Many towns have a 'lifeline' called the Newcomers Club. When I moved into my NJ town in 1986, I was a NYC commuter but joined to make a few friends. It was a wonderful time, meeting people of different ages with different interests and activities to join. Once I started my family, there were a thousand ways to meet people. Recently retired, I moved 6 hours away to NH this summer. Several NJ friends have come to visit us in this resort town and see why we left NJ.
Yet, I joined the local Newcomers Club and already found my 'people'. I've hosted 8 dinner nights since August with new couples, have gone out with them to different events, joined a garden club, a church, and been friendly to every shop keeper and cashier I meet. 4 of my new couple friends are from NJ which is like a glue here, they 'get' us, but everyone has been nice.
Even if you can make 2 new friends, it can make a world of difference, wherever you live.
6
@mainesummers yes we that here too in MA. Some folks have started hour gourmet clubs, they learn to cook new dishes and are Curious about cultures. My neighbor always shares left overs..Ethiopian, Indian, Cuban, Italian, Lebanese, yum yum yum. Recently a new young couple moved into our street of extra big mansions. They were from another town, no kids no connection to schools, very isolating. Then they joined the local gym and suddenly they made friends. They met really nice people who live in town and seek healthy ways. We organized a street get together potluck so the new folks could meet their neighbors. Neighbors invited them for walks. Small gestures but this way you get the best of both worlds, you can binge watch all the shows you want, but take a break during the day to walk with a neighbor. Recently a neighbor received devastating news of illness, everyone reached out to comfort.
6
One facet of loneliness that needs more exploration is how people connect after early voluntary or involuntary retirement, when people might not enter the workplace again in their lifetime. So much of our daily life revolves around the workplace, and that contact, whether supportive or not, can be hard to replace once it’s gone, regardless of the constant advice to join clubs, volunteer, and so on. Networks and friendships take time to build and nurture.
4
How about an idea that in public places we have "community areas"? This would be a long table with chairs that many could sit at. If you chose to sit there it signaled that you were open for talking, visiting. Same with Restaurants, table where single folks could chose to eat and talk together.
We have lots of folks who are unable to connect and maybe part of that is fear and a big part opportunity.
8
I am alone and I strike up conversations with strangers all the time, to the annoyance of a few but mostly I am struck by how hungry people are for conversation. When I retired, I was surprised by how unprepared I was for a life without the relentless pull of the job. Looking at a day with nothing to do sounded like pure heaven. A whole day without ringing phones and people taking away chunks of my time? Wow! But I’ve learned structure is important, and there are opportunities to interact with people. I volunteered to walk a neighbor’s dog, which got me out of the house and prompted conversations with other dog walkers. For example. Anyone who has experienced deep, chronic loneliness knows the truth of Mr. Kristof’s words. Gratitude to my fellow Oregonian.
9
What I've seen among my women friends especially is the pressure put on single/divorced/widowed women to pair up with a man. The pressure to become a couple only makes living alone seem more lonely, unattractive and harder to deal with. Several friends of mine go from relationship to relationship, and have never learned how to live alone. Of course they report they are lonely. They have no idea how to spend time with their own thoughts. They don't even know what activities they enjoy, because they just take on whatever activities the current man does. Friends of mine who never expressed an interest in golfing or fishing or hunting or tennis suddenly take up these things when they meet a new man. Then, they take up something new when they go on to the next man. My friends don't really enjoy these things. They just do them because the men do.
Society still sends the message to women that they are meant to be with a man, and they never learn how to live meaningfully by themselves. It is possible to live alone and enjoy it. But, we can never learn how when we're constantly told that we only have value when we're paired up with a man.
19
@Ms. Pea
This makes me recall a story....
When asked how she was doing after being recently widowed, a friend replied, "I've never been happier!".
6
Thank you for this important column. As we look around us, it is good to keep in mind that maybe a conversation with someone or extending an unexpected invitation can make a gigantic difference in someone's life.
7
Great article - and because I think newcomers to a city/area have an especially challenging time, I'm an unofficial "Ambassador to Newcomers" in my little city. I would love to see cities around the world offer an official welcoming program, to help build and strengthen connections. (I spent 22 years running a welcoming group in the Twin Cities and then moved to a small city on Vancouver Island. I've talked with local city officials here but no interest in a welcoming program so far. We'll see.)
3
Join a non-preachy, open and liberal place of worship. My reform temple has meetups for all ages and demographics, including one just for widows/widowers. There are lectures, volunteer events, and travel opportunities. Even emotional support groups.
Do group tour traveling if you can afford it. I went to Iceland with a group and met amazing people.
Live in an apartment building. People in apartments don’t have that “good fences make good neighbors” mentality.
3
The "aloneness" predicament is catastrophic. Not everyone who lives alone is lonely, but most are. The majority are. And social media which promises connection yet only delivers verisimilitude, leaves people feeling terrible. It's joystick ethic is yet another kind of fake news. As well, there is particular menace in increasingly remote, robotic health care (yet another contradiction in terms). The huge population of single people aging in cities (suburbs, counties) and facing major health crises alone without family or significant community deserves its own government agency and dedicated priesthood...a new discipline of Alone & Afraid Doulas.
3
Thank you for bringing attention to this subject. Much needed.
3
Before my partner of 43 years died, I bought a black lab puppy. The last three years have been lonely except for the friendliest dog in the world.
I walk her twice a day. She adores everybody. She wiggles her whole body and wags her tail at complete strangers, and if you've ever met her, she's now your best friend. She makes grown men giddy. She is grateful that Post Office puts someone on every block to play with.
Because of her, I have met nearly all the neighbors on the block and many others in the area. She makes the introductions. Oh... she likes dogs, too.
I'm still lonely, but I have someone to take care of. Someone who makes everybody smile. And we're in this together.
35
hey do-gooding do-gooders! stand back from my solitude and my exile!
do-gooders! their reason to live is to do good ... to do more than do good -- to do good, and feel good about doing it!
some of us treasure the silence of trees etched against a tranquil sky, grasses mute in the sunlight, far horizon sleeping under summer warmth -- and not a single nattering nutty human within miles!
of course, loneliness is not chosen and solitude is. and i am sorry for those who live in enforced isolation. because cuddling and crowding together is a human thing -- perhaps the single most effective lever that the manipulators in power have to herd you along the path of preordained breaking news.
which is why you are taught to hate solitude and love your selfie, love sharing your selfie, love the social media likes and hashtags, love the fashions and opinions and goals and plans and, of course, all the health care, lifestyle and travel advice that you lug around like loose change in the pockets of your cognitive cargo pants.
want to feel less lonely? think less about yourself and less about what others think. look around at the marvelous world and all the mystery within it.
m.c. escher: "a person who is lucidly aware of the miracles that surround him, who has learned to bear up under loneliness, has made quite a bit of progress on the road to wisdom."
11
Hi folks, just a thought. I notice that many people sign on with their initials (or with nome de plumes). I can understand there may be times when it could be risky to be identifiable but maybe the risk isn't worth it. I'd be very happy to receive emails from people who have made thoughtful contributions to the NYT. They are my "tribe" and who knows maybe a discussion group could form . . .
Can I end with a quote from the poet Adam Lindsay Gordon, 'Life is full of froth and bubble two things stand like stone. Kindness in another's troubles and courage in your own.'
Peter Rennie
13
Beatification of a green strip running outside my apartment in Milan has included many benches, a bocce court for old timers, a card or table game area with stone tables and chairs, a children’s playground, two fenced-off dog poo areas and an outdoor stone ping pong table. They all make for an active social scene every fair weather afternoon. The idea isn’t to concoct a magical remedy to loneliness so much as to respect that so many of us are and create natural ways for people to engage despite it. I only wish the children’s playground were right next to the bocce court to close the generation gap.
3
Loneliness is the climate change of the soul. (anti)Social Media is making it worse.
5
Let's shut down social media and have a society again.
9
@Martin, where did you get such an idea like that? "We" are suppose to "move forward" to a "computeristic" society where "we" can make "friends" from the South Pole to the North Pole, from the start of a new day to the end of the old day of the Date Line, or just kicking it off into outer space. Sitting on the porch in the middle of the woods, watching lighting bugs and kids play in the dark, while you talk to your city kinfolk is hardly what I call a society again.
2
Minister for loneliness seems more absurd than John Cleese's iconic Minister of Silly Walks. Additional government bureaucracies can't fix all problems with the human condition. It's pretty arrogant to think it can.
3
When you talk about loneliness you just scratch the surface of a much greater problem. The continued stigmatization of brain disease in the US. I refuse to use "mental illness" because it is self-stigmatizing. It treats the brain, which is a physical organ, and which behaves entirely in accordance with the laws of biochemistry, quantum mechanics and general relativity, as if it were something else--a mental thing--whatever that might be.
This failure to focus causes otherwise rational persons to think that people who kill themselves with guns "really wanted to kill themselves."
I do not want to talk on against the time, so I leave it to your imaginations to fill in the blanks.
"Only the imagination is real." William Carlos Williams from Asphodel: That Greeny Flower
1
Solitude is bliss.
7
Pets are a far better friend than any human could ever be, people are nothing but trouble.
7
“It is better to live among the crowd and keep a solitary life in your spirit than to live alone with your heart in the crowd.”
1
I am lonely. I don’t fit in.
8
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
8
Well I never see people engaging with each other .like that picture everyone’s head is down looking at a screen.
3
The photo appears to show most of the folks with
their heads down looking at their smart phones?
For sure, smart phones contribute to loneliness.
4
I believe that social interaction is the best medicine for an old person. I live alone with my old dog, but I realize the need for talking & being with others. I like to read, so I joined a few book groups. Many book groups are free at the local library. I also attend a lecture series in the spring & fall sponsored by the senior resource center in my town, very stimulating & enjoyable. I once was diligent about going to the gym, & am thinking about joining again.
In short, the responsibility is mine to make the effort to get out & enjoy the world. Sometimes, while walking my dog, I will ring a neighbor's doorbell to say hello, which usually becomes a friendly visit. My children live in different parts of the country & have their own busy lives. I don't sit around feeling sad b/c they don't call. If you are depressed, see a doctor for medication; trust me, it can open up a new life for you.
8
In the US we have been brainwashed into fearing our neighbors and hiding from them, and these days it's easy to let yourself hide from the nastiness, the hatred, the downright sickness of a presidency, and of a president who hides himself away unless he can control the crowd. There is more fear running around now than I have ever seen, and the more a banana dictatorship we become, the worse the fear gets. Of course early death is up. It's tempting to just want out, and whether you want it or not your body reacts to the sick society we live in even if you don't think your psyche does.
10
How should we address loneliness? Maybe a Loners Anonymous support group like AA should be set up. Merely showing up at the meetings should help.
7
There must be an app for that. Dogs are too much trouble and you can't trust humans.
2
I wrote this poem one of the countless evenings I spend alone. I have a wonderful support group of family and friends, and a cat. Still, these thoughts came to me unbidden:
Rent-A-Person
I thought it might be nice to rent a person,
To watch with me the inexpressible cuteness
Of my cat stretching out his arms to be scratched.
I laughed out loud to myself, nevertheless.
We could exclaim together “Oh my god” as we
Watched the terrible news unfold on television,
And tsk tsk together to our heart’s content.
Or watch Masterpiece Mystery with rapt attention,
Pausing only to add a splash of Cabernet to our glasses.
I could ask what she thought of my most recent painting,
Which I think is terrible.
It would be OK to agree.
And not let the fact that I am paying this person
Influence honest comments.
We could talk about our aches and pains and wonder aloud
If we should take some ibuprofen or Tylenol.
We could go through the mountains of paper and other junk together
And decide what to throw out.
The birds, too, would provide much opportunity for comment.
Robins, this year, are eating at my feeders.
We would say to each other that they may wish
They hadn’t flown north so soon.
We would share the thrill of a cardinal
Gracing us with his presence.
And that flock of turkeys that strolled by the other day.
How lovely was that??! We would talk about it for days.
Depending on how often I could afford
This rent-a-person.
17
Please add another element to the danger of loneliness:
there is a very common thread among descriptions of mass shooters "loner".
With nobody to engage a wayward mind, he can turn to violence untethered.
2
Slapstick : or, Lonesome no more! : a novel / by Kurt Vonnegut
1
Nick: England, home of Eleanor Rigby, is and not a mention.
But who knew: after the dissolution of church, and family ties it was the fault of the bowling leagues.
I never know anymore: am I reading the Times or the Onion.
1
At least they left room for comments on this article. Makes me feel like I have friends.
13
I just watched a few hardcore lonely folks on National Geo’s ‘Life Below Zero.’
They seem to be holding up alright?!
1
This is all very much cultural. Most societies around the world would find this topic absurd.
1
@citizennotconsumer I think elderly people do feel lonely, universally, specially after their spouse of several decades, passes on. My mother is 92, lost her lifelong partner 9 years ago, although she’s surrounded by family neighbors in an apartment building, she does get lonely. It’s not for company she has a lady next door who pops in every few hours to chat. It’s just a kind of feeling my daughter calls it lonelum.
4
Curiosity kills loneliness every time; try it!
2
“Loneliness is such an omnipotent and painful threat to many persons that they have little conception of the positive values of solitude, and even at times are very frightened at the prospect of being alone. Many people suffer from “the fear of finding oneself alone,” remarks André Gide, “and so they don’t find themselves at all.”
Rollo May, Man's Search for Himself
4
NK: Why did you choose to "Wage a War"? We already have too many "wars" going on, yes? Wars on Drugs, Poverty, Cancer, Carbon Fuels, terrorism, immigration, guns, trade... and then the fighting wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, etc.
Maybe the "war" analogy will catch more attention but somehow I doubt it.
Maybe we could look at "Loneliness" as an opportunity for improvement... Maybe the complement--- "Happiness" offers a better target. Can you write about making "happiness" go viral?
1
I have been enormously lucky since the passing of my husband almost a year ago. Two of my adult children and their families live close to me and have been wonderful to me, as have my sister and her family. Even my children who live further away have been great. But after a 44 year marriage, loneliness does come. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. I used to think being alone was a viable choice, maybe so if it is personal choice. But the loneliness of no longer having your partner in life does make one reexamine those choices. His last year was hard on him and I, and sometimes resentment could come, but I would give anything to have him here again, just even to chat about the most inconsequential of topics.
8
Britain should know. If it does Brexit, it will be a very lonely nation. Mixed metaphor perhaps. But apt.
Oh, and that's why there are so many songs about being lonely because "only the lonely" is about the fact that inside everyone of there is a lonely child, woman or man.
3
Loneliness doesn’t increase stress levels, how one thinks about being alone increases stress. Telling oneself I ‘shouldn’t’ be alone, or that other people ‘should’ visit, ask one out or otherwise engage, causes stress. It isn’t out of the question that some of the lonely have pushed people away, been obnoxious or too self-absorbed to make or keep friends. If Facebook and Instagram are depressing, there's a really simple solution. (Hint: Read a book)
Alone is not lonely. Considering all the mischief and mayhem in many families, alone is the better place.
Side note: Why do Americans couch everything in terms of war and violence? War on Drugs, the Fight for this or that, Battleground States, now a War on Loneliness. Give it a rest, show a bit of creativity, don't run in the same violent ruts all the time.
2
@Dasha Kasakova That's a really important distinction this author doesn't seem to be making as he speaks about the two, being alone and being lonely interchangeably, not recognizing that there are many people who live alone who have very active social lives and people who live in a house full of people that they don't get along with who feel very lonely. It also has nothing to do with being single. People who have been single their entire lives often have large support networks. The people who are the loneliest are the widowed, the ones who marry and then lose their spouse and unless they are among the lucky few who die together holding hands, this is going to happen to one member of every single couple. Children are no guarantee either, since these days children often live far away or have to work and don't have the time or resources to be a full time caregiver.
5
The U.S. is a culture dominated by extroverts. Extroverts charge their batteries through interaction with others. However, introverts also exist. We charge our batteries when alone and then discharge them in the company of others. We still need interaction with others but not to the same degree and not of the same type.
The generalizations in Nicholas' article are artifacts of the domination of the U.S. by extroverts and do not apply so readily to introverts. For example, I find it much easier to maintain a healthy diet and exercise schedule on my own. None of my friends eat as healthily or exercise as regularly as I do. Not even one.
As for mortality, the goal is quality not quantity of life. Indeed, my aging generation threatens to overwhelm the younger generations if we don't make our exits gracefully unlike all too many of the examples I've seen in my parents' generation.
Is loneliness a thing for aging introverts? Yes, and it is helpful for us to think about different strategies to ameliorate that. But typical extrovert solutions will exacerbate an introvert's loneliness.
8
try music, movies, books, you tube, library, or volunteer.
i find it much better than talking to people with gibberish, and most people are doing just that.
4
"an assistant secretary for loneliness" - Well you probably meant an assistant secretary to combat or alleviate loneliness.
Are you kidding -- in macho USA? We wouldn't listen to a govt bureaucrat about loneliness, even if it kills us. And it is killing us, bigtime.
7
Poignant column, Mr. Kristof, you Yamhill County guy.
3
“A crowd flowed over London Bridge, so many,
I had not thought death had undone so many.”
T.S. Eliot, The Wasteland
2
Whoops! Sorry. Back again.
Forgot to mention this song by, Leonard Cohen.
Quite apropos.
"Tower of Song"
You Tube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiAuXRK3Ogk
4
Put down your phone. Talk with real people! Listen! Look them in the eye. Make new friends!
1
Genesis 2:18 "It is not good that Adam should be alone."
2
"ah the lonely people where do they all come from"
2
Lonesome no more!
I hardly ever agree with MR Kristoff’s columns but I believe this one hits the mark.
31
@Stephen Bruce Stewart
I agree with almost all of them. Mr Kristoff seems to me to be a truly kind and empathetic man.
16
Once a week, my company provides a hot lunch for everyone. Approximately 300 people head to the lunchroom and queue in line for the buffet. This is the once chance I have to chat with people not in my department, to get to know someone over a bit of conversation and jokes. My mindset is that everyone can be a friend until they prove otherwise. Instead, I find myself in line with everyone staring into their phones. Instead of making real face to face connections, people are so risk adverse and prefer the crutch of their phone. I miss the days when the weekly lunch lineup was fun, light, jokey with random conversations. I still lineup with no phone in hand. I still see the lineup as an opportunity but it appears exchanging a few words with someone in the office is bewildering for most.
5
1. read Yale Prof. Laurie Santos about happiness or watch on utube.
2. Volunteer
From my own experience, nothing is lonelier than entrapment in a toxic relationship of any kind - toxic family, thieving housemate, miserable marriage.
8
a minister for happiness!
1
I live a a very large retirement village. Many single people. What I see when I walk is many dogs out for a walk and numerous cats staring out of windows. For many,companionship is helped with an animal. For many a dog is truly mans best friend. A cat in the lap also has been proven to have stress reducing properties. The friendship of an animal is pure and uncomplicated.
7
"an assistant secretary for loneliness?" Really? Does Kristof have his tongue firmly planted in his cheek?
3
Untreated hearing loss, especially among seniors, can greatly contribute to hearing loss. Please get those hearing aids, folks - even the cheap ones from Costco if you must, and help the push to get them covered by insurance.
6
*** can greatly contribute to loneliness. Sorry for the typo.
1
Thank you so much for writing on this critical topic. I am a clinical psychologist and I see this daily in my work. I fill the role of friend and confidant to many of my patients. I often speak to them about the tertiary relationships they have or could easily develop and to not discount how these provide a wonderful source of social support. We as humans must do a better job of taking time to connect with one another (and not through Facebook)
6
It's not fair to lump together people who are fine being alone with people who suffer from it.
Introverts find social activities draining while extroverts derive energy form socializing.
It's a really BIg Brother approach to "wage war" on "loneliness.It's presumptuous.
3
Nick: Great article here. We in the USA have let consumerism, and now with the computer age, techno-consumerism and techno-socialization, take the place of our essential human and spiritual values. Sad to relate here that capitalism leaves no room for the latter, nor does communism. David Reisman's THE LONELY CROWD (1950) is just as applicable today as when it was written. The loneliness at the heart of our being cannot be solved by new apps, video games and reality TV, let alone reality TV presidencies. The solutions lie within us, if we can find the courage to face ourselves and to listen carefully to our inner voices.
3
Speaking of dropping an elderly loved one off at a nursing home to go on vacation, in my area, Medicare's hospice program actually will pay for that, with a limit of only a few days, of course, to give the caregiver a "break" neglecting how traumatizing this is for someone with dementia. All this just goes to show, though, that being lonely or alone (which are really two different things) have nothing to do with whether or not someone is married and has kids, since families will drop you off like a pet to a kennel and it's covered!
1
I’m so glad I do not buy into this loneliness nonsense the media is pushing, I really do enjoy being alone, I cook, eat, travel, go to events, etc alone, and I’m okay with that. I remember traveling to see my favorite singer in concert, everyone was rocking out and having a great time, there were two women in front of me, one was falling down drunk and eventually the sober one walked her out and they left the concert. I’ve experienced this all too often with former friends, they usually ruined things for me, and it was always me doing most of the giving and supporting and them doing most of the taking. It’s great if you have friends and loved ones, whom you share a commonality, values, goals and such, but it’s not something you can force.
3
Look, not everyone wants or needs lots of social interaction. I'm an introvert and thoroughly enjoy being alone. It has taken me years to realize that the majority of stress I had over the years came from being with people!
Recently, I was really happy when our local library installed a self check-out kiosk. No longer need to interact with the librarian who talks too much!! I enjoy going to the movies early in the day when no one else (or maybe 1 or 2 people) is there.
And I do cook for one and eat well. I work-out at a local facility but time my visits during the day to be sure very few people will be there.
Now and then I feel like talking to someone and I do. Loneliness epidemic? Give me a break.
I am retired, in good health and feel fine. Thank you.
9
In keeping with the idea of positive rather than negative wording, how about a Department of Social Connection instead of Loneliness?
8
Being alone does not always translate to loneliness. I remember thinking that Barbara Streisand's "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world" was wrong headed. People who love people or people who help people would be solid but a "need" calls for fulfillment from others....think "Abou Ben Adhem".
3
I built a low chain link fence (for our dog) when we moved into a different house 10 years ago and always got along well with my neighbors. A year ago new neighbors thoughtlessly, selfishly, trashed the strip of grass I'd always maintained between our houses (technically their property, but never visible during their comings and goings). I've never felt so violated.This past summer I built a "privacy fence" on that side of the yard. Good riddance to thoughtless "neighbors". BTW, I'm betting they're trumpers. I know they own multiple rental properties. And I'm also betting that they know our village law chapter and verse.
4
It looks like Baroness Barran arrived on the scene too late to help Elanor Rigby and Father McKenzie?
But all humor aside, I've noticed many people form small groups who go by a given name, and engage in many activities together. These form a type of tribe or pseudo-family, and often stay together for decades although individual members might come and go, or vary their levels of participation. And unlike gangs or tribes, they do not seem to compete with other groups, with the exception of those organized around sports.
At the other end of the spectrum, there are cohousing units and intentional communities, where the participants make a commitment to share their economic lives as well.
1
How irresponsible to claim lonliness is “more lethal than smoking 15 cigarettes a day or obesity”. This simplistic statement does not represent scientific findings. Rather, it relies on assumptions of measurement that are not held up by science. Lonliness, sometimes a symptom of depression, cannot be measured in the way number of cigarettes or pounds are It is a “feeling” which is subjective and may not be the same thing to different people. Furthermore, the assertion rests on an assumption that time of exposure for lonliness and cigarette smoking is comparable.
This is just another mistatement the tobacco industry will cling to in attempts to lessen the perceived catastrophic effects of cigarretes.
6
I feel more lonely when I am around people than when I am alone.
16
>More than half of American adults are unmarried, and >researchers have found that even among those who are >married, 30 percent of relationships are severely strained. A >quarter of Americans now live alone.
Let me be a devil's advocate for a moment. There are reasons for many folks choosing to live alone Did anyone quantify the harm from stress of "severely strained relationships"?
And then there is a famous Jean-Paul Sartre's saying: "If you are lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company."
I consoled once a much younger woman by saying that that's what aging men say. But we may be right after all.
6
Regarding front porches and all the comments about them...there is a "back to the porch movement" going on in many neighborhoods. In my experience these are often areas with older and middle age housing where neighborhood covenants aren't too restrictive and many houses are being remodeled. People are adding front or side porches, patios, and arbors equipped with chairs and firepits. The key is that these are street oriented vs. backyard oriented. Porches are expensive additions, but a simple brick patio is less.
I was disappointed that Mr. Kristof alluded to, but did not address, the "partly economic" roots of loneliness. When people are working longer and longer hours, and even juggling further education with paid work to try and grasp at ever-elusive financial security, it's difficult to find time for a bowling league or meeting friends for drinks. When more of the country could work 40 hours a week for a middle-class wage, it was much easier to carve out time for friends. I suspect this may be a generational blind-spot, with older people who became established in their careers at a more secure and prosperous time unaware of how much younger people are having to "hustle."
16
If we get rid of the isolating factors of Twitter and Facebook, et al, get people to read real newspapers and books, and get them to engage people face to face, loneliness will take a vacation. I love my cats, and they love me. They are also very friendly to visitors.
6
To which it should be added: our over-dependence on the automobile to get around (usually by ourselves) increases social isolation and makes every other person a potential adversary in our getting where we want to go. I have struck up many conversations and have had many knowing smiles on the subway, the bus, and when I am out on my bicycle, but none with motorists separated from me by glass, steel, and distance.
9
@Code1
Not everyone lives in a big city with several means of public transportation. I would gladly give up my car if I lived in a big city.
2
When I woke up each morning in Santa Monica, pretty much my first thought - after feeding myself and my cat - was how to connect that day. A phone call usually ended up with an answering machine, and the sidewalk had - maybe - one or two people walking about (but plenty of cars). When I talked to my mailman, he seemed afraid - like who would do such a thing? Driving felt isolating, and many lived behind walls or fences which they called "privacy." The only truly public place was the beach - which was beautiful but ultimately boring.
Tired of this "luxury" lifestyle, I moved to NYC, where there are plenty of people on the streets, the mailman says hello, there are plenty of public parks, and connection is much easier.
Except that...the techno era has advanced. In L.A., people were texting while driving (not recommended). Here, people are walking blindly while texting (not recommended, either). There is a country - I believe Bhutan - where they measure Gross National Happiness. Perhaps before we continue blindly on our way with more isolating tech and all the other wonders we absolutely "need" to have., we can make progress towards this measure. Connecting better would surely help.
9
Well put.
1
Yes Sir, we are witnesses that in Countrywalk a community in Southwest Miami, several neighbors meet regularly to exchange views on many subjects. They also help to report persons, noisy motorcycles, and cars that don't belong to the community. Some of them play cards and dominoes. Oh, and people bringing dogs in white trucks that arrived early in the morning and left at the end of the day.
They feel that they are doing a contribution to the community. The feeling is quite good.
Some measure of loneliness is by design. Obscene levels of inequality are bound to create rebellion of the people, as is happening in many countries today. So, as a preventive measure, the 1% puts everyone under surveillance, militarize the police, own the propaganda machine, put everyone in debt, and violently squash rebellions.
But you also make sure it is difficult to form communities of mutually trusting individuals, the necessary condition for popular movements to arise. For example, the solidarity movement in Poland, is believed to have been helped by the long queues for food where people met everyday and talked, and talked. In France, I remember the small village of Le Saillant, before the TV tower started beaming signals, in the late 50's. Neighbors would bring out chairs in front of their doors on the side walk and talk together for hours until darkness came, every evening. As soon as the tower started broadcasting - the villagers had all bought TVs - the chairs disappeared, for ever. In steep reduction in social capital. Loneliness is not part of the natural human condition. We have made it so.
12
It is curiosity that keeps you outward focused--always something interesting to see, learn, re-think.
I was fortunate to grow up in two sides of families that had curiosity in spades; I married a man who was also innately curious, but he was the "odd duck" in a family that is remarkably uncurious. We met at college and started a conversation that has lasted 55 years.
But suppose you have lots of curiosity but no one to share it with--not for hours, days, or even years?
We all grow up in societies that either help or hurt our opportunities to develop. So maybe you didn't have such good luck being born into the family that created you, then what?
Sad to say, our competitive society prides itself on self-sufficiency, individualism, and materialism, which is the seedbed for loneliness--most especially with a political party that does not want to spend a farthing on the well being of people, families, small children, the environment, young people, and even resents and tries to reject the retirement needs and medical care of older people.
Besides curiosity & being outward focused, another trait is to be willing to persist. It is not easy to find those kindred spirits with whom to share thoughts, feelings, humor, fun as well as sad times.
And luck does have something to do with it. But if you aren't willing to get out there and try new activities, meet new people, and be genuinely interested in what others say, and take rejection, life will be grey, not green
13
The most vulnerable people are the very elderly and probably why retirement and rest homes have flourished, but only for those who cam afford them. For many people it is a form of warehousing a nuisance. Remaining in your home is good but only for those for whom solitude is an acceptable way of life. Unfortunately even pets have to be given up when health or lack of it intervenes.
2
I teach Mental Health Nursing. Suicide Assessment training is part of that. Can I use this article as a part of the discussion?
It also depends on the status afforded to the elderly, whether in society or in religion.
When the social fabric of societies that took care of their elderly and respected them disintegrates, then the elderly are often left by the wayside.
People live longer, on the average, and this too can make it harder and more expensive to care for the elderly.
Ha-Aretz (Israel/Hebrew) recently published articles on a kindergarten located in an old-age home and the interaction between young and old.
Checking this in the internet shows that this idea is not that unusual and occurs in various forms in many countries.
Bringing the children and the interaction is like a shot of vitamins.
While it may ultimately end as: "second childishness and mere oblivion,Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything," the way there does not have to be one of isolation and depression.
4
It’s not clear what is meant by “loneliness” here. Being alone, for example, is important and may be critical for re-connection in the midst of disconnection. Being alone and not wanting to be, ie, “loneliness,” on the other hand, may be an unwitting way of refusing basic context for wellness. Being without Organizing Principle, which is remarkably different, may be at the root of loneliness in this sense. And this is most certainly a problem insofar as discerning meaning counts for anything ... which, with so many distractions as is so common, may not emerge as a high priority issue. That is, as long as distractions maintain their engaging influence. In “religious” terms, this called “idolatry,” ie, trusting in something to satisfy that cannot. So the loneliness problem of this commentary may well be a religious one ... “religious,” in the deep sense of “spiritual.” Indeed, connection with others in “community,” ie, common unity, may address this problem, but only out of the experience of common goodwill and benevolence rather than an objective sought after in itself and for oneself. Loneliness may be, therefore, the untoward effect of inappropriate regard for self. Inventing in the government an office that would focus on the matter may highlight the loneliness problem, but is not likely to be of much help otherwise.
Just another example of the progressive idea that we should look to the government to cure all that ails us.
3
Thought-provoking article. What I've found most frustrating as a male in his late-30s is how poor of a cure dating is for loneliness. It's as if two kinda lonely people, instead of finding some common ground in their loneliness, go through every effort imaginable to conceal it.
How is a true lonesome dove like myself going to find his way in this world!?
8
I recently moved back “home” to the region of my youth. I love it here, though I knew no one when I moved here. I telecommute and my work is solitary. Many days I speak with no one. So, I joined local groups—book group, walking group, craft group, dining group, political discussion group, writing group, religious group. The upshot is that I met a lot of people very fast and made some nice “friends”. The reality of all my efforts is that I now have a few hours every week when I don’t feel lonely. That’s it. A few hours. Getting busy and staying busy is not a solution to loneliness.
14
How can we have 'community' without equality? We cannot. Our economic system has ruined the idea of democratic society. We have to deal with this before our feelings of being alone are unburdened.
We must live and love as a community. We must be our better selves and vote like it and legislate like it. We've elected the madman bully that loves money more than anything. He is us. That's what we must face and turn away from.
I work with the homeless. They are beyond lonely; they are dying from neglect and avarice.
6
If the 1 per cent supposedly have all the wealth, does that situation by simple math, make the other 99 per cent pretty equal? No, I don’t buy the idea because Jeff Bezos has a lot of wealth people stopped interacting with neighbors. If you want the answer for that one, look in the mirror.
Why would I want to sit down on a bench and talk to someone to whom I haven't been properly introduced? All kidding aside, there is no mention here that people have different needs. Some of us are introverts, some are extroverts. Personaly, I find social occasions very draining. And please lay off anti-cat comments. Mine are very sociable and can be a great comfort. There are lots of possibilities for pets, not just dogs.
6
What is the relationship between loneliness and reading? Has anyone studied this?
Lot of loneliness in the West and among men is "ego". It prevents them from conversing openly and connecting. Loneliness happens among the middle and upper classes where pretensions, image and status quo are a big part of posing than honestly connecting.
Empathy, honesty, openness and goodness dissolve loneliness. This loneliness problem has now become part of emerging countries like India, and people blame women in stead of ugly misogyny.
3
Assisted living for our moms is killing America's spirit. We must make it easier for family to keep their elderly at home. I wanted Mom to live with us so much but she insisted on the bland, ugly, lonely assisted living home. She's miserable there but has now paid her 2 years at $6000 a month, draining all her financial resources and qualifies for Medicaid to pay. She's stuck. Visiting her there is depressing. Why doesn't Medicare pay for our mothers to live with us before their financial resources are completely gone? It's a crime that we taught a whole generation that being "independent" meant living in one of these ghastly places.
10
Medicare does not pay for anything longer than a few months, after a qualifying medical procedure. Medicaid pays for long term care and Medicaid is for people without resources. If it paid for everyone, we would not have anything for people that have nothing. Why didn’t your mother pay for private in home care that would likely have stretched her resources beyond the 24 months? It had to be cheaper. It was obviously her choice and likely reflects life circumstances and relationships that are none of our business. Don’t blame us or the government for her choices.
Why don't you mention religious organizations such as churches, temples, and mosques as a source of community? Do you really think a government agency can solve loneliness in America when the government is so poorly run?
3
Public “friendly benches?”
“Social prescribing” from social workers?
I’ll let you in on a secret--after spending >50 years of my life taking care of people---2 husbands now deceased, patients in underserved areas where I was on call 24/7/365-I don’t WANT to meet and “socialize!”
I’m tired of being the strong one, the one people go to when they need something. I saw a woman wearing a t-shirt in NY that said “My third husband will be a dog.”
I find it interesting that men think that we women need to meet people. The women my age in their early 70s are also tired of being “caretakers” and are happy for time for ourselves.
Happiness is going for walks with my Golden Retriever who is ALWAYS happy to lie next to me, always happy to see me! As long as I give him clean water each day, his kibble, and meds he’s one happy camper. If I want to stay inside and read all day, he’s happy just to be with me.
Now of my patients it’s the widowers who are in deep kimchee after losing their wives. They’re LOST! I still make home visits and one man who used to be head traffic controller at the busiest airport in Atlanta eats cans of beef gravy for lunch and dinner. Breakfast he showed me how he fills a bowl with cereal then adds over a full cup of sugar. His wife had done everything for him.
Women? They do just fine for the most part as they were forced to raise the kids, shop, cook, clean in addition to working one or two jobs.
Loneliness in my patients and families affect the men.
13
“We are no longer so deeply embedded in our communities.” Right. Anyone who has lived in a small town or “community,” and experienced the pettiness, gossip, and shunning that goes on, will know that such loneliness is nothing new. Yes, people are becoming more isolated, in modern society. But it’s not as if the past was all “Kumbaya” and inclusive all the time. Be honest.
15
A War on this, a War on that.
The word "War" has been trivialized and beaten to a pulp.
Yes, loneliness can be a problem. But a "War" on it seems a bit over-the-top.
Perhaps the next war should be "A War on Over-Use of the Word War".
3
The people that dump the grandparents off at a nursing home and never visit are sealing the same fate for themselves, they are teaching their children that this is the norm.
I live alone by choice, I have found that humans are a selfish, untrustworthy species. My dogs and cats are the only company I require. They have demonstrated more affection than any person that has ever professed that they loved me and couldn’t live without me. Unlike humans, my animal companions don’t lie for ulterior motives.
6
Americans have increasingly become more egocentric, obese, aggressive and selfish. This manifests itself in obvious ways, including violence, hyper-partisanship, arrogance.
The values of the past, like respect, listening rathering than talking or broadcasting through social media, and considered quaint at best.
Much of the lonlieness described here, also better termed chronic minor depression, is the result.
All of this is, most unfortunately, irreversible for now.
2
We old timers remember when neighborhoods were full of people. Modern comforts and entertainments brought us all inside under the air conditioning, or central heating, where we gathered in front of televisions and stopped talking to each other. Howard Zinn pointed out that it is easier to sell products to bored people who live indoors getting hours and hours of distraction from televisions and their derivatives than it is to happy people who go outside and invent their own entertainments. I'll never forget the first time I entered a house that had a television, but no piano. It seemed bleak. It's only gotten more so.
6
I can’t understand why we don’t have social clubs in the US or Canada!
I was born and raised in Egypt and we have several Sporting clubs that kids, teenagers and families go to!
They have waterpolo, tennis, 3 swimming pools, soccer, handball, basketball, squash courts, restaurants. The best memories I had growing up is going there everyday. You walk in and u meet people and you don’t even have to plan a meeting at the club! Egypt is considered by many as underdeveloped and yet on a social level it is far more advanced then the US, Canada or England!
Two years ago, my American husband and I visited Egypt and we went to the club and after we finished our tour, he said that if he lived in Egypt he would go everyday! I think that those clubs are the solution to the loneliness that many people suffer from!
So if u get the chance to go to Egypt, check out Heliopolis Sporting club in Heliopolis or the Gezira club in Cairo as well as the Sporting club in Alexandra and these are only a few of the clubs but they are the most renowned!
56
@Mona
I really appreciate your comment. Part of my childhood was in Cairo and I can relate to what you describe. My father began every day at the Gezira club, of which he was so fond that he included it in his memoirs.
As for the difference between ‘developing nations’ and ‘first world countries,’ well I think that the former are more group oriented and the latter are more individualistic. Each has something to teach the other.
Thanks for what you wrote. Take care.
2
@Mona YES. Growing up in Milwaukee, at that time still a socialist city, social clubs were city-sponsored, in addition to the ethnic (Polish, Italian, German) clubs. The city actually had a cabinet level administrator with the tile (roughly) Director of Social Services, which opened schools after hours for table games, athletic activity, acting, etc. A great program. I oversaw a game room for kids around 5-8 years old, and played table games with them - while I was a young college student. It was a wonderful program.
6
@Mona
That is for for the one per cent in Egypt. It certainly is nice.
3
In my friendly neighborhood of original workforce housing 1910-1920s bungalows with front porches and back decks, we've made a concerted effort to develop a loosely organized association of neighbors who gather monthly for potlucks, conversation and neighborly ways. We have rallied to provide rides for those in medical need, to help with repairs for the elderly, and developed a sense of reliance on each other during the many natural disasters we've faced in this area prone to fire and flood. We're all a little quirky here, living in our old-fashioned homes and we value the connections among us. What was once cohesive, however, has changed in recent years with introduction of the vacation rental business into this neighborhood, and so many others. Speculators have turned homes into hotels, replacing neighbors with strangers carrying suitcases and driving rental cars. They sit on the front porch to get away from it all, not to become a part of it. I sometimes feel awkward bringing groceries into my house, or sweeping outside, for fear of offending the view and upsetting the vacation serenity of those short-term residents.
1
The more I'm around people, Nick, the more I respect my - oops, "the" cat. The cat doesn't yammer endlessly about what "he" did yesterday, or what "he's" going to do tomorrow. The cat's not trapped in his ego. He's always right Here, right Now. He's my guru, and I have much to learn.
7
I volunteer for that post. EM, LMFT
1
Focus, people, focus: the article is about loneliness, not pets. Loneliness is debilitating as evidenced by both science and story. I agree with Mr. Kristof that our country needs to support its citizens in emotional well-being. How many of the school-shooters were revealed to be isolated by others? Indeed, our current president seems to suffer from a lack of socialization as a young child. A Department of Emotional Health (if you like that better than Dept. of Loneliness or Dept. of Happiness) would be a welcome addition and provide balance to such other affairs as Defense (War Dept.) or Commerce (Preservation of Wealth Dept.).
5
Look at this 2 min trailer that was featured on Dr. Phil 2 weeks ago...it's about the loneliness of a 23 yr old Down Syndrome woman and v poignant.
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/31/books/review-homewreckers-aaron-glantz-race-for-profit-keeanga-yamahtta-taylor.html?action=click&module=Editors%20Picks&pgtype=Homepage
Loneliness results from isolation. As people age, a common contributor to isolation is hearing loss. It’s hard to strike up a conversation when you have to ask a stranger to repeat everything. Hearing aids can make a huge difference, but they are wicked expensive. I’ve been fortunate in that I recognized my hearing loss years ago and had been wearing hearing aids for 10 years by the time I retired, and I can afford them. Medicaid does not cover hearing aids. Yet a report from the commonwealth Fund in 2018 found that ¾ of Medicare beneficiaries who needed a hearing aid did not have one, primarily due to cost. The Veterans Administration provides hearing aids to vets for which the VA pays less than $400 per hearing aid for devices that retail for $1400 - $2200 each. One might ask how much Medicare would have to pay if hearing aids were covered under Part B.
9
Asistant Secretary for RELATING
1
Excellen!
Having served as a doctor and a military officer for 42 and 14 years respectively, I have had my share of experiences. One thing I noticed each time my family and I PCS'd (i.e. moved) to a new duty station was a parade of the "aluminum foil brigade", neighbors who welcomed us into our new homes with a covered dish as we struggled with "cardboard hell", the inevitable struggle to unpack and squirrel away our belongings. Each of our neighbors had themselves been repeatedly transplanted so they understood loneliness and the need for social integration, independent of rank or position.
Now retired from both jobs, I find my neighbors much less involved with one another and I would challenge any reader of this comment to do one thing: write down the names of five of your nearest neighbors. When you fail, break out your bakeware and Grandma's brownie recipe to make amends so you can complete this list of neighbors in 2020 and beyond.
With billions of nerve cells weighing less than 3 pounds all together, our brains can do remarkable things which we can document but not fully understand. We known fairly well how a nerve connects with another but stick ten neurons together and the resultant output and function are often inexplicable.
Neighborhoods, towns, cities and countries are the same. Instead of chemical neurotransmitters we have brownies, cakes and casseroles, community gardens, clubs and houses of worship. Without these interconnections, we wither, grow old and die.
14
One small suggestion: kill several birds with one stone and volunteer with a group like Habitat for Humanity. I run a small share of their construction in Georgia, and the average age of my regular weekday volunteers is over 70. I've grown to believe that these people are the cream of that demographic crop because they volunteer, not the other way around. One of our regulars is 86 and can still frame a house 16 feet up a ladder and scaffold. At a single stroke these people vanquish loneliness, build new friendships and very solid (but modest) and truly affordable houses for the legion of people in need in this country, learn some useful new skills, reduce political and economic divisiveness (at least locally), and exercise their creative/artistic sides. Where else can one accomplish so much for everyone, including oneself? Nowhere that I've found. Perhaps such organizations are the new institutions in an age of runaway change.
16
The library is a great place for the lonely. Lots of opportunities for very casually being in a group with no expectations...just being around others. I went to a support group for unemployed this week, they put us into groups to work on a project, it was great to interact with strangers with whom I had something in common. I also went to hear a concert yesterday at a smaller, local branch of the library. I felt much less lonely this week. I tend to pine for friends and relatives who are too busy or seem to be drifting away, but there are nice people out there, I'm finding. I find that if you're not so picky (looking for someone who has your exact set of interests, background, etc) and use NICENESS, friendliness, as your requirements for friendship, there are friends to be had. Go to the library!
15
I feel that modern psychology is partially to blame for our loneliness epidemic because it puts too much of a focus on self love and self actualization at the expense of cultivating virtue. Yes there were a lot of problems with the old religious/humanistic systems but I feel lionizing virtue helped create group cohesion because people were trained to focus on others rather than just them selves.
5
This reminds me of the stories I read about in the book, "Blue Zones", where the author(s)/researchers traveled the globe looking for those areas with abnormally high concentrations of centenarians (those >= 100 years old). The stories were all very different, but two consistent patterns appeared over and over again:
(1) Each one of the centenarians they interviewed had a definite purpose or obligation to fulfill, whether or not it might seem arbitrary to the rest of us. They had a reason to get up in the morning and achieve something during the day.
(2) Every one of them had an extended family/social network, that they interacted with on a regular basis.
I completely forgot about this book, and how it relates to this article, until I read a comment below (by reader Kathryn Murdock) that brought it to mind immediately, namely,
"I grew up until 12 in a small Iowa town. Barely over a thousand people so you knew everyone by sight if not by name."
In Blue Zones, so many of the stories begin just that way...in a small enclave of people who all know, respect, and look out for each other, and have not yet been contaminated by the selfish, gluttonous, commercial ways of the surrounding region.
2
Thank you, Mr. Kristof, for addressing this fundamental issue in a 360-degree way. I lived in England when the minister for loneliness was installed (and the concept mocked) but have come to appreciate the wisdom of the approach, especially since returning to the States. I telecommute by necessity (my employer has no bricks and mortar location) and get really down by mid-afternoon. What keeps me connected to others is my dog and, sadly (because it is to a lesser extent), my church. There used to be a coffee and cookies get together after services but the church's new leadership has eliminated that opportunity to chat, citing budget and a desire to attract young people to the congregation, the assumption being that they would not be interested in socializing. It is sad. I cherish my have wonderful friends, but we all have busy lives and nurturing f2f connections require advance planning. My parents, on the other hand, live in a retirement community that goes out of its way to promote a sense of community. Sometimes I wish I were 20 years older and could move there myself.
2
Opposite issue here. I prefer to be alone and find human interaction exhausting and draining. I still work and have more social interaction during my work day than I desire. I prefer the peace and quiet of my home with my beloved pets or being outside in nature, away from humans. Decades of social interaction have made me even less interested in and less caring about my fellow humans.
7
There are many causes for the huge amount of lonely people. You've covered most of them. I believe that advanced capitalism is the main reason for our "loneliness epidemic". Everything in our society is commodified and a money value is attached to it. If you have little to no money, then you have little to no social status. The growing disparity of wealth in our society has profoundly corroded our social institutions. The wealthiest are now gobbling up our government either through lobbyists or through candidates like Trump, and government no longer serves society "for the greater good". It serves "special interests," i.e. those with the most money, so when it comes to programs like Medicare, Social Security, ACA, public health and schools, BLM and the National Parks, etc., they will dissolve or defund them. No longer will citizens pay income taxes to support government programs. They will be privatized or will have high user fees. Under Trump, entry to a National Park costs $40. They have defunded Amtrak forcing it to shut down passenger train routes and even things like a dining car where you can break bread in the dining car with other human beings at your table. The plutocrats use media 24/7 to convince the populace that you need no longer care about your fellow citizens. Take care of yourself and pay not a penny more for the welfare of anyone else! Our national priorities need to changed to those that support families and social cohesion over greed and war.
7
The first battlefield on a war on loneliness would be the almost ironically named social media, which isolate individuals in an artificial atmosphere of companionship. The delusion can sustain for prolonged periods, but it must be a jolt when people finally turn off their phones or laptops and realize their actual solitude. Okay, so they simply won't ever turn off the machines, a sort of emotional dialysis, which seems a sad way to get through one's life. Well, at the end you can always look back on all your fond memories of staring at a screen.
However well-intentioned these social apps are, providing access to others one way or another, we've also seen how they've been used as weapons, particularly among the young, many of whom have been driven to suicide by cruel misuse of these digital venues. Also, despite people's best efforts, not everybody can rack up those big Facebook numbers.
It was one thing to look for Mr. Goodbar, the modus operandi of a few decades ago for the lonely to ameliorate their unhappy condition, which at least got you out of the house and among actual other people. Now the pursuit is Mr. Goodemoji to show the world how popular you are among others you probably will never meet in person. There's a difference between holding a device in your hand and having somebody else hold your hand. Trust me, the latter is better.
5
It astonishes me, Nicholas, that in writing this article you not only ignore the largest factor contributing to loneliness, but actively blame the victims who are forced to be absent from their families.
We are all working, all the time, because it costs too much to live and jobs pay too little.
All of the friendly benches in the world won’t change that. A minister for loneliness is powerless unless the entire government sees loneliness as one of the most serious ills of 21st century capitalism.
Mr. Kristof, you’ve made your bones traveling the world and reaching out to some of the most impoverished and powerless people humanity has to offer. Yet when it comes to the matters facing your own countrymen, you often seem very out of touch. You really think people are choosing to lonely? Do you not sense the epic socioeconomic forces tearing the country apart?
Why are you engaging in mystification? “It’s a complex situation and I don’t have a clear answer”? I do! Double mine and my fathers’ hourly wages, then halve our hours; suddenly, we have time to eat dinner together again.
This situation is only complicated in the same way healthcare funding is - which is to say, not complicated at all, except that the billionaires who control everything feel threatened by the solution.
Now, getting rid of them, that’s complicated.
A very disappointing column, as this is such a serious, personal issue and you haven’t even scratched the surface.
10
Please take this first sentence seriously: do not think I am talking about the majority of what is seen in our western culture as Christianity. What I would like to comment on, is that within that "culture", which I see primarily as not right in connecting to it's foundation, there are exceptions. I know you have commented on Tim Keller in the past. His insights into our sociology, psychology, and spirituality, have explained complex issues in a most logical way. He has especially explained the distinct differences in religion vs. (what is termed in Christianity) the gospel. (Evidenced in his sermon "Losing Your Religion", and many others.) I am a person who, like Keller, sees the great good in the teachings of many religions (and is very aware of "religion gone wrong"), and also respects atheists, agnostics, etc. (I've thought, "Well, at least they're thinking.") So, I am writing this comment, to say at 63 years of age, I am so not lonely, and it has nothing to do with my connections to, or lack of connections to people. I have an emotional distance, from most of my friends and family, which has been established not as an intentional barrier, but as an outgrowth of growing into an awareness of the limitations of those connections. And with the wisdom of people like Keller (and Martyn Lloyd-Jones, etc.) my connections to higher things, have been made firm by a logical thought process which corresponds more and more, to what seems to be my deepest desires.
One piece of advice I hear is to join clubs and such. But someone did a study a few years ago...I read about it in NYT....looking into whether this really works.
As I recall, they found that joining organizations doesn’t help to make friends all that much, especially if you show up alone and not knowing anyone in the club. The people already in the club have their circle of friends, their cliques, and it’s hard to break into those mini circles.
It’s a lot harder to make friends when you’re over 50. Other people have their circles of family and friends and it’s very hard to break into that. Acquaintances, yes. Friends, not so much.
34
Follow the money. In American society the bottom line is everything. We practice a form of extreme capitalism that crushes the life out of individuals, families and communities. Superstores like Walmart force mom-and-pop stores out of business, they pay starvation wages, and they keep switching the workers’ hours from week to week. Donald Trump is the perfect avatar for this Age of Narcissism. This epidemic of loneliness (and depression and addiction and suicide) didn’t happen overnight, and it will take way more than some government Loneliness Czar to address. It would require nothing less than a wholesale change in values.
18
@ProSkeptic I was going to post the same thought and you've said it well. I think these issues of loneliness and alienation are just natural human responses to a society that values money over people. It is hard to be healthy in a sick society.
4
I too feel lonely beyond my introverted love of aloneness - though only in my 50's- hold a professional job part time, as I'm also a lone-parent. Work colleagues help but it's different than how one can talk with friends . . . Live in rural midwest and it seems hard to find people with intellectual interests - I know they are here, but often couples don't mingle with singles, and not sure how to find folks just to talk with since not really religiously oriented nor bar-scene interested.
Anon- I recommend Argentine Tango - - challenging, but wonderful group of people. Yes, the younger ones start doing all the less formal, "nuevo tango" stuff, and don't necessarily ascribe to some traditions, but the general culture of A.Tango remains prescribed enough to feel polite, gentlemen are always looking for partners to dance with, and it's pretty challenging. You can dance in most cities so I pack my shoes when I travel. I hear there are Tango cruises too! Everyone is very welcoming! If you can walk, you can tango - because it's all about connection!!! (and if you can't walk, you could wheel or DJ!) If everyone in the world tangoed - we would have no war, I'm convinced.
5
I wonder if part of the dynamic stems from the competitive market economy, individualistic ethos we are immersed in that tells us we are on our own accompanied by a culture of putting others down, even when only in jest. Perhaps we need a new bottom line that judges our institutions, our economy, our educational and political system and all aspects of our society as rational, productive and efficient to the extent that they maximize our human capacities to be loving, generous, and caring toward each other, ethically and environmentally responsible; to the extent that they promote joy, playfulness, compassion and empathy, self-acceptance, humor, health and thanksgiving for life in all its forms, love of learning, repentance and forgiveness, treatment of all human beings as embodiment of the sacred and not just instrumentally as a means to our own ends, and to respond to the universe with awe and amazement rather than just resources for our use. This perspective is fleshed out in Michael Lerner's new manifesto, Revolutionary Love.
4
What? More government? An assistant secretary for loneliness? How many sociologist have written about loneliness in large cities? The issues of loneliness in cities and isolated rural area have been talked about for many years. Today,the opioid crisis is in part a result of isolation. This country prides itself on the concept of individualism. Not a good philosophy for working together. The idea of a more social approach to health care,education, or child rearing is a no no in politics today. The Nordic countries have a word for togetherness—hygge- . People getting together with family and friends and enjoying each other’s closeness. This is a large diverse country so hygge may be harder to develop here but the sooner we try the sooner we can take on the problem of loneliness.
5
To each their own. Loneliness is not always a cause of clinical depression. Many will be just fine having a few good friends who they may see or meet once in a while. Even in the era of smart phones, social media, TV, spectator sports, there will always be ways to engage with others in gyms like the YMCA, places of worship, restaurants, shopping malls and not feel isolated or lonely. I do feel for the people who chose all their life to remain far from others and stay in their own comfort zone or have a disability which restricts commuting or travel.
I have to agree with Nicholas Kristof that the feeling of loneliness can be deadly especially when there is nothing left to do and one gets taken over by a feeling of being marginalized, ignored or abandoned by loved ones or friends.
Nicholas Kristof who some months ago wrote about the condition of his eye and physical conditions can restrict movement out of one home and can result in loneliness and depression. I too had a unexpected serious complication from cataract surgery and have been unable to drive and will not be able to fly in a commercial airliner and have interacted with far fewer people than I normally do but I try to keep myself occupied and entertained with You tube music, walking within my home, interacting with my Facebook and Whatsapp friends, my doctors who help me understand my recovery progress and simply trying to make the best of an unfortunate situation withe hope that I will bounce back to normal soon.
3
This is just what I needed to start my day. I get so discouraged here in Florida sometimes where social gatherings often turn to politics and I need to walk away. But walking away is better than not trying and I resolve to continue to enjoy what my neighbors and I share rather than what divides us. So today I’ll chat with the guy whose politics I abhor but who jumps my car when the battery is dead, I’ll paddle board with the man who complains about “welfare,” but who enjoys the quiet serenity of a Florida morning. I do believe that at their core most people just want the same thing and I won’t give up on trying to find it.
15
Well said.
1
Or maybe people can keep their politics to themselves, still free to vote and support whatever ideology they choose, and stop letting it be a barrier that may shield the other, more attractive traits you cited. Sure, a supremely rational person would be able to separate the political diatribes from the numerous other attractive assets almost every person has. Well, few of us are supremely rational and a better method is to simply shut up.
Many people going through the breakup of a personal romantic relationship have been counseled, 'Cheer up, there are many fish in the sea.' Nothing could be further from the truth. Embracing that old trope might appeal to the philosophically minded, but once the right person enters your life, it is as if you have been a rare species swimming interminably throughout the seas of the world & your mate suddenly appears. Your lonely days are over.
2
This is the age of loneliness. In my lifetime I have never seen people more disconnected from their fellow humans. There was a time when people had personalities and they were would talk to strangers that they met, and they weren’t strangers anymore. My father and mother were like that, if we stood on a line they would talk with the people on line with them, they called it chatting. If I took the subway with my dad he’d begin chatting with the people around them, and he’d always throw in a joke or a play on words to make the other people smile. It was a shock to me when I grew up to learn that most people weren’t like that, that most people don’t want to chat, if anything,they don’t want to be bothered and they see other people as bothers.
My parents are gone now, life is short.
This new age we live in, things have gone from bad to worse, people put headphones on, and put up a symbolic “ do not disturb” halo about themselves. And if you walk around Manhattan everybody is in a big hurry and they quickly walk around you, one wonders what they are hurrying too, they are like speeding drivers on foot.
And there is a sadness mixed with anger in the air , everybody mistrusts the next, like we would never answer a call from a number we don’t know because it will be somebody trying to con you out of your money, there are con men everywhere.
What we need is a place for all the good people to meet, just to talk, to sit and laugh....to chat.
28
@Lonnie Great post. I think about this a lot and I wonder how much of what we see in America today isn't correlated to the fact that our country has been in a state of constant war since 9/11. We have been at war with Afghanistan, Iraq, etc...for nearly 20 years. People do not trust each other. People are angry, afraid, stressed out. Add in social media and screens and it has made for a perfect storm. I miss the simpler days....
8
Although I agree with you I have found that if I smile at people they often smile back. If there’s an opportune time to start a conversation, many people light up and want the same.
I think most people staring at their iPhones are bored, and stuck in a habit they need a reason to break.
4
I grew up in the tropics five minutes away from the ocean where I used to surf. Now I live in Minnesota. With seven months of winter and no ocean near by I many times feel out of place. While I’m an outdoors person I can’t relate to ice fishing, cross country skiing, fishing on lakes (too boring) and many other Minnesota activities. The scenery is very beautiful in Minnesota, the lakes are gorgeous and it’s generally a great place to live, but given where I came from eventually I became isolated and came to enjoy the solitude.
4
Clearly you’re just not bringing enough beer and cheese with you when ice fishing, etc. Kidding aside, it sounds awful. I’ve been to Minnesota several times and I found the lifestyle untenable. But clearly people from that part of the country are content and completely at home living that way. Find a way to move back to a place where you belong.
2
I have been reading, studying, and writing about the loneliness epidemic for a while. There will be no one-size-fits-all solution for it, and those solutions are often small and individual. Many of the people who have commented on this piece are lonely themselves, but every one who is reading this article knows at least five people who are lonely and could use some company. It doesn't take much effort to include or invite those you know to do something, or spend some time with you. You never know whose day you might brighten. Most of us are feeling overextended and overwhelmed from trying to do everything for ourselves and our families; we can lighten each other's burdens.
Also, I have no idea why we're not looking at the role of touch in loneliness. The physical symptoms of loneliness, and their negative effects, correspond perfectly with the positive health benefits of touch. A heartfelt hug (when consensual, duh) makes both giver and receiver feel seen and included, and the memory of it lasts and sustains long after the actual hug has ended. It feels good to connect physically, especially when you're feeling anguished.
Don't wait for a Secretary of Loneliness to address this problem. The solution is by and between humans. Make America kind again: reach out to others.
18
Sadly, too often family members fail to understand the feeling of loneliness that afficts an older member when a partner dies or is struck down with dementia or a debillitating ilness. I speak from personal experience, having a wife suffering from latter-stage Alzheimer's. When I met someone who has unexpectadly eliminated that loneliness, some family members did not take kindly to the idea. They fail to realize that it is my life and my loneliness that is at stake.
14
@Bill Britton Sorry for a few typos. I was rushing to get out the door.
Remember "The Jungle"...the guests were happy to eat and drink the supplied goodies, but they broke the social compact when it was their turn to contribute. That's what's happening here. "I got mine" and there is no 'paying it forward' or ' building community'. I gave up at the last town Vision Meeting when the Greatest Gen members decided that sidewalks weren't something that should be funded much less the library or electives for 12th graders who have four periods of study hall. Lovely people , them. I'm not to upset that they are lonely, they're taxing me heavily for their free tank of oil, their nearly free seniors only bus, their medical care etc etc....I've got to get to work, they want the fruits of my labor, not me.
3
How many Greatest Generation members could you have had at the meeting? They have to be almost 90 years old. I would have to give them props for simply getting there.
1
This column made me smile. Growing up (in a poor third world country), people lived at close quarters to each other, especially in the cities where space was limited, rents were high and population was bursting at the seams. People everywhere, dogs cows pigs and fowl. You woke up to the rooster crowing if you even got a wink of sleep from the stray dogs barking all night. Birds chirped everywhere all year long, crows ravens pigeons mynahs sparrows even peacocks..
Everyone was concerned about everyone else’s affairs. Who was visiting whom for how long what were they taking about, even brick walls had ears trees had eyes. Our bedroom window overlooked our neighbors so all night long we kids talked to each other giggling away, sharing stories, planning our summer vacation scripts of the next movie we were going to re enact. It was nothing but chaos joyful playful. Everyone shared in everyone’s sorrows, in everyone’s joys. When I go back to visit, it’s been 35 years since we left, things are pretty much the same except kids and parents are way too stressed out, pressured at school, at work, kids don’t have free time in summer vacations, this tuition and that to prepare for such and such entrance exams. But people are still living together, 3 generations at least, sometimes 4 generations. Everyone uses WhatsApp all the time, FaceTimes with children living abroad..in buses trains people are hyper connected to their families, all the time. There’s no such thing as privacy.
8
Mr. Kristoff: I see that the post you believe should be created to address loneliness in this country is that of assistant secretary in the Department of Health and Human Services, rather than the head of a new department. Is that because it's lonely at the top? Maybe Donald Trump's basic problem is that he's lonely.
3
This author has no idea at all what it's like to be on a fixed or low income and have to navigate our evil health care. First off there's no way to contact HHS so having them in charge is not a good idea. In fact there isn't any department that will ever work because we still live in a country that always blames the patient or victim for everything therefor constantly denied help and those denied even if they chose to fight the system they realize the system is set up to NEVER accept a real complaint and NEVER punish those that commit fraud or malpractice. There is no way to report fraud the websites, phone numbers etc. are all false numbers where you'll never get anywhere.
Then there are the shoddy broken useless cumbersome web sites each and every hospital has to have their own broken website or their website is soon to be redesigned so we'll have to start all over again. As for me I've been trying to get a competent primary care doctor for the last 2 yrs and have gone thru 8 of them at tax payers expense and it's getting worse not better.
5
I know that NYT commenters are famously anti-religion, but churches everywhere provide community. As a child, I moved frequently and church youth groups always welcomed me. Today, I see widows and other folks who would otherwise be battling loneliness surrounded by support: meals and visits when they’re sick, regular social activities, and a sense of purpose through service projects.
7
@Kelly Wilke I don’t think it’s so much that NYT commenters are anti religion. Speaking for myself, as someone who was raised Catholic and has three sisters who are still active members of the Catholic Church, I am not comfortable with the idea that I would have to agree to a set of religious beliefs and practices in order to benefit from being a part of a community. I find religious beliefs to be much more restrictive and authoritarian than basic beliefs in human rights, for example, or the belief in democracy.
As a person who moved away from the church in my teens, based on my own beliefs about the world and humanity, I felt sad that I never found that same sense of belonging in any other way. I understand that it must be very comforting to feel such a strong sense of belonging and community, but please have respect and empathy for those of us who consciously choose a different path and thereby do not have the benefit of a ready made community. We are all searching for the best way to live, and we each need to choose what seems right for us.
6
@Kelly Wilke
I'm going to be amusing myself all day with visions of the chaos I'd produce if I were to spend an hour -- or part of an hour -- taking part in a social activity in a church. Thanks.
1
I think two things that contribute to loneliness in our society are poor health care and income inequality.
I rarely needed doctors when I was younger, but now that I’m 58, I find that there is little “care” happening in the medical industry. It is deeply depressing to seek help for health issues and be treated as a number rather than a human being, to be given only a few minutes of time with a doctor who doesn’t really seem to listen or care, and to be unable to get the treatment I know would help because alternative treatments are not “in network.” Having your physical pain ignored leads to extreme feelings of isolation and loneliness.
I’ve had a decent income my entire life, but I now have a greatly reduced income, and I find that it makes a HUGE difference in my ability to be an active member of society. I can’t simply go where I want to go and do what I want to do. When I make plans to do something with friends, I have to think about how much it will cost. It’s always cheaper to just stay home by myself. Yes, there are many free things one can do, but freedom from worry about finances would go a long way toward helping me feel connected to other people and less lonely. I think about people who despite working hard all their lives have never had enough money to be free from worry about food, bills, and rent. That must be very lonely indeed.
29
The situation you described is bad, but how does it compare to your ancestors that survived the Great Depression. Those people created all kinds of social connections. Low incomes have many impacts, but history does not seem to show weakened social connections are necessarily one of them.
1
Will never happen here. We are happy to cut food stamps, we would never invest in a board game club. This country is the epicenter of loneliness - especially in rural areas.
10
There are some theoretical considerations. One is that capitalist activity, in the form of a consumer economy—flourishes primarily with isolated individuals. Its chief communicative structure is advertising—again, it, too, thrives on isolated individuals. Loneliness is a serious problem, but excessive capitalism is an obvious part of the problem.
Why don’t we form voluntary associations the way we used to, so admired by deTocqueville?
8
I'm in my early 60s and still working full time, but have chronic health problems that will soon make full time work impossible, and I've realized that my entire social network is interacting with coworkers. I've been single for several years, but am close to my adult children and grandchildren--in fact I have an in law apartment in my daughters house. So I have no right to say I'm lonely. But it's difficult to replace the intimacy and togetherness of the relationship you have with a partner, with things like bowling leagues or dog walking clubs. I don't want to overly depend on my kids for companionship. I'll only have Social security to live on when I stop working, so can't really look forward to an exciting retirement. Between the impending lack of income and health issues that now limit my activity, I'm struggling to come up with "a reason for living."
9
Your last comment alarmed me. I commented below on my situation. My method is setting tasks that keep me busy and out and about. I’m that guy you see eating dinner out at a table by himself (I noticed there are lots of us). I do that to keep in contact with others. You have a reason to live - you just need to build it one extra effort at a time.
10
I am in my early 50s, never married, and feeling a lot of the things you are. I, too, have good familial relationships but rarely see my friends who live in town, so most of my social activity is at work, a place that is like a digital sweatshop and frowns on the types of employee communication that would make the work environment less miserable. I also know from my job and witnessing it in my family that chronic health issues, chronic pain can really wear on you and be isolating and cause you to wonder if continuing to slog through is worth it. I'm just sorry for what you're going through and want you to know you are not alone. I also hope you continue every day to overcome your struggle.
5
I agree--its important to have things ahead of you to look forward to. Just frustrating that that seems to be such a challenge at times. thanks for your good thoughts.
My husband and I moved to the Washington DC area after we retired, not knowing a soul (other than our adult daughter). We adopted a rescue puppy and started taking him to our local dog park. It has been a wonderful way to meet people in the neighborhood, and has led us to join another social club in the area. As Frank Bruni recently noted, dog parks are one of the few places left where people from all walks and stages of life, and differing political views, can come together and interact. Dogs are a wonderful ice breaker. Everyone talks to everyone. I've even made some Republican friends for the first time in years - we just have to avoid political discussions, which is easy because we're busy discussing the dogs, the neighborhood, sports, gardening, books, travel, etc. We love our three cats, but they've never introduced us to anyone.
12
Spot on, Nicholas. Thank you for shining a light on our growing isolation.
6
I am an avid reader of the NYTimes op-ed section and a fan of Mr. Kristof's column in particular. I fight the urge to spend entire mornings reading, considering, commenting on a wide variety of topics. And yet.
I have shied away from this piece completely, stepped right back from that word "loneliness." Too busy to get to it, I'll just read the latest about the impeachment or global warming or a play opening or a restaurant closing in Manhattan. No time to read about something that doesn't really have anything to do with me and, although I live in Virginia and have no money, it is possible I might get to Manhattan for a week of dining and theater-hopping. And even if that never happens, I am an educated woman who is interested in the culture.
But loneliness? No. And a ministry for loneliness? Sounds like a Monty Python skit. I supposed, this morning, I could just take a look at the column with that protective barrier of the familiar British humor. Nothing serious.
Yet here I sit, Mr. Kristof, having finally run out of ploys to avoid your column, feeling the weight of my own loneliness and the near-mortal wound that pulled me out of it.
I am a recovering alcoholic and, for 33 years, have had a built-in community wherever I am. It gives me that most powerful of bonds--connection through suffering.
And isn't that what you suggest? In our loneliness, we can find each other and no longer be alone.
12
Mr. Kristof, you are dealing with effects and not causes. The causes will be much harder to tackle, even by a minister, because they are multifold and deeply rooted.
I'll speak to the metropolitan experience of finding a partner. Before I met my wonderful wife (who's not from here), I've done a fair share of dating in NYC. The amount of selfishness and entitlement I have encountered was simply breathtaking. We have taught entire generations, starting with my Gen X to care only about themselves. We are raising narcissists incapable of empathy or human interaction. Everyone is running around trying to satisfy "my needs." Compromise, tact, polite disagreement have gone out the window. I am convinced that part of it is the horrible education system where kids no longer read great books about the human experience that allow for what Saul Bellow called "putting your soul in order." Then they grow up looking for shortcuts and formulas, but this doesn't work for the soul. Leonard Cohen knew a thing or two about that, “I know there’s a spiritual aspect to everybody’s life, whether they want to cop to it or not. It’s there, you can feel it in people—there’s some recognition that there is a reality that they cannot penetrate but which influences their mood and activity."
Expectations of others are through the roof, everyone wants everything now, both men and women. As the psychologist Barry Schwartz said, "The key to happiness? Lower your expectations." But who wants to do that?
26
Include me in the Loneliness Club. I have three friends here in Baltimore. Sort of. One was a neighbor. We both moved (20 minutes from each other). She’s afraid to visit me in the city, and seems to be very busy now. I get texts from her. Another old friend got married, but his wife is threatened by me. I’ve welcomed her in, but they’re always busy now. The last is closest, which is nice. She’ll be gone all winter.
I feel very lonely and I can see that I’m tending to hibernate, and not eat well because it’s boring to cook for one.
I believe the issue is that I’m 62, involuntarily unemployed, and thus invisible. I don’t look 25, but I also don’t have a middle aged spread. Nor do I wear a hair net. I volunteer, but in this town everyone is in their clique. It’s very hard to be invited to join things at my age. It’s the age factor that really makes a difference. If I were in my 30’s I’d have a job, and be in an age group still accepting new members. I wouldn’t be lonely.
31
I don't know... Loneliness may not really be the problem that is killing people. It may be more a symptom than the real problem. In many cases, loneliness may go hand-in-hand with poverty, which is associated with many other things that can lead to an early death. Single-member households are almost by definition bound to have lower incomes.
Many people who have friends are doing drugs or drinking heavily or engaging in other dangerous behaviors and these problems might have started because of, or been encouraged by, having certain friends.
When 30% of relationships are described by studies as being severely strained, you have to wonder if the current obsession with making sure everyone is in a relationship might not be a little misguided.
Maybe the real solution is to help people learn to live healthy lives even if they are living alone.
5
@Dan Frazier
I live alone, and have done so very happily for most of my 82 years. I learned long ago that the person who is unhappy living alone lacks the ability to interest or amuse himself or herself. I keep well away from those people.
I read this article twice as I’m a retired military/civil servant, 60-year old widower living alone, no children, in a rural village. I watch my health closely (I have excellent VA health care) and I’m involved in my church. I take care of four ex-feral cats who have given me a reason to get up every day. I write. I’m very active taking care of my historic property. I’m traveling with old friends who live elsewhere. I’m doing OK on the potential risks in the article - not taking medication/avoiding medical appointments, lack of exercise don’t apply to me) but I am concerned about the toll loneliness and isolation has on my health. So I set myself tasks every day to combat it. Still, after losing my beloved wife to a freak accident three years ago yesterday (I even wrote about it and was published) I’m in a place I never ever considered I’d be (I expected to die first) and it’s a daily battle to keep isolation and loneliness from taking over my day. The comments here about folks no longer engaging with each other are spot on. This is leading me to consider becoming an expat (yes, that’s a privileged choice not all have) or accepting an offer from a friend my age but with young children (I’m the favorite uncle) and move in with them. So I guess a potential solution is recognizing and naming isolation and loneliness, accepting it, and taking concrete steps to combat it.
Oh yes - and writing comments in the NYT is enormously helpful.
28
And having written the above comment this morning, at church I was handed an invitation to dinner at a congregant’s house given my contributions towards renovating a rental property owned by the church. I did that precisely to combat loneliness and isolation. So the strategy is working.
3
I became lonely while caregiving for an increasingly-ill husband. I left my job, then one activity after another, to care for him. After he died and the kids grew up and left home, rmthe loneliness became almost overwhelming.
I was lucky. I recognized the problem and started renting out the empty rooms in my home. It took a few tries, but only one dreadful tenant, before I built a household. My home is filled with single wonen who cook together, laugh, bring over friends ... Loneliness is largely curable. I still, sometimes, miss being nested in my family, but most of the time I'm pretty content. The kids call. The cats keep me warm at night.
I'd love to see more support for this kind of created-family. A standard shared-home lease. Official recognition that these hones exist. Encouragement to give it a try.
35
@Citizen Every Last Cuckoo by Kate Maloy - I just read this book, fiction, but described someone who took in a lot of younger people.
It all goes back to the consequences of the American, French revolutions and probably the Protestant Reformation. The Wars of Religion quite literally destroyed any chance Germany had of being a normal nation. Add to that the two said revolutions and their fallout and it is easy to see we have nothing much left in common. Political atomization, extreme partisanship, religious war, civil war are all we can look forward to. You can’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Western Civilization is broken and the nations are rapidly circling the drain. The planet is circling the drain as well. America, France, England are not even nations anymore in the modern 19th century sense.
1
I think this is such an important article. I live alone and, I am mostly happy with that. I love people and I love alone time. I am lucky enough to have a really strong support network of friends. But a few years ago, I found that I spent most week nights alone. My neighbors and I would come home after work, go into our homes, shut the door, and come out the next morning to go to work. So I deliberately moved into a condo community, where I knew I would see my neighbors on a regular basis. And I'm much happier. I know that I'm lucky to have such options, certainly. But it's important to reach out and be proactive, if you are able to do so. Don't sit at home and wonder why no one calls. If you can't drive, perhaps you can have people in for a visit and just make coffee? Just know that you're not alone if you're lonely and social media is everyone's life cleaned up. If you can drive, go out to eat a little early and sit at the bar. The bartender is usually a little bored then and will chat with you! All this sounds flippant, but it's what I do. I'm also that annoying person who talks to strangers. Luckily, I live in the south, so I blend in. . .
17
One Audubon in my state runs Saturday programs that include a morning field trip followed by a group lunch at an inexpensive restaurant. I am so grateful for these trips and especially these lunches. The group is fairly small and fairly regular. I wonder if more organizations could do this.
8
I suppose that, somewhere, someone has completed an exhaustive list of human needs that of course would include both survival needs and those needed to thrive. My sense is that most of us are much more familiar with the former than with the latter and that relationships, historically believed to be amongst those things needed to survive, has somehow drifted into the category of things needed to merely thrive: desirable but just not essential.
But, wouldn’t you know it, science seems to have amassed evidence suggesting that, unless we are thriving and enjoying such things as relationships, we are actually threatening our survival.
When I was a kid, I had plenty of friends. We were always doing something together, usually some kind of sport, but often sharing extended conversations.
One of the things that made such sharing entirely natural however was what I think of as the natural malleability of a child’s boundaries. Pretty much anyone was welcome into our circle, at least long enough to give them some kind of chance at sticking around.
As I grew older, I have shed friends. I have recently apparently shed one of my last childhood friends of nearly 60 years standing, brothers actually. Is it just a coincidence that my own boundaries have become much more brittle with the passing years, that I have become more cynical, more sceptical of the intent of others?
I just don’t seem to fit together as easily any more. And the scientists are right: it is killing me.
8
With the American attitude towards work as it is currently, joining clubs and groups feels like just another chore to be added on to an already overstretched life. Working 50, 60, 70 hours a week, plus managing a household, raising children, caring for older parents exacts a tremendous toll on energy for less urgent pursuits. And that does not even break the surface for those who work more than one job just to keep the lights on and put food on the table.
One solution would be a much stronger economic safety net for us all, so that time for engagement and connection would become feasible.
18
@Rockbangor
Exactly right. Thank you.
1
My local university has a Leisure Learning program for people 55+, which offers some 90 one-off classes each term - though some, like mine, run 8 weeks each term. Mine is called "Current Affairs Discussions" and I pick an article or essay for them to read, and then they talk (and I guide). About 40 each term, with many - perhaps 25 - who keep coming back.
Then, between terms (which are shorter than the University terms) we meet at a local restaurant for lunch - Franco's Friday, we call it. Nearly 20 people are generally there.
Been doing this now for 15+ years. It is really good for me! I read, think what will be good for discussion, and then engage with them. And they say it is an essential part of their lives. One who became a very good friend said that when he moved here he was so lonely and depressed he really focused on ending it all. Until he discovered Leisure Learning (and my class), and LL saved him.
It is that powerful. It should be everywhere!
27
This is a great topic. I spend the majority of my time alone, however, when I need interaction, I do go out. I have done this my entire life and do not feel a deep loneliness that those who seek out companionship (IE not wanting to be alone) do...I have my hobbies, my animals and lots of reading. I do some writing and I also care for my elderly father (who will be 90 in about a month) and find this to be enough for me. I will note that, since the cell phones came along, I see people, many people, completely oblivious to anything and anyone except in their own electronic world. They did not seem to learn social skills as we did when I grew up (in the 60's) and with that, and having face to face friends, outdoor activities and the like, it really made a difference. Oh sure, I used to be a social butterfly in my twenties...doing the normal partying, meeting people and lots of drinking and dancing. Now, with disabilities b/c of my knees, I cannot do that nor would as I am 61 now. So, I do believe that, with the so called "electronic/internet age, things have changed drastically and has offered lots of connections, but no face to face. Very sad times in my opinion....
7
You ask too much , Mr. Kristof. Loneliness starts early for many Americans who would like to find a suitable spouse. A good marriage is the best antidote to the loneliness malady. Why do I see so many unmarried young men and women, who live their lives alone? At all ages---certainly for older people who have lost their spouse---people's home are one person dwellings.
3
A good marriage is great but many people have bad marriages, get divorced because staying together is a worse option and have wonderful children, grandkids, other strong family ties,friends join groups where they meet people who have common interests , volunteer take classes and take part in the activities that their wonderful city has to offer. It is up to the person to look out for themselves and then act on it. Ask me how I know?
4
The key word in your statement about marriage is "good". There are far too many people who are desperately lonely and unhappy within a marriage in which there is little communication and/or physical or emotional abuse.
5
@shimr
Well, good marriages are rare.
There are many single people of all ages with medical conditions that leave them trapped at home. This disconnects them from work, friends, and family. If you have a friend or neighbor who, just is not around much the past few years, give them a call. Ask how they are doing. Can they meet for lunch or dinner? Invite then for Thanksgiving and/or Christmas (the worst time of year for them!)
How can this be? I must be wrong.
Well, unseen means forgotten! Don’t assume they are intentional recluses. Some untreatable medical conditions are so painful or debilitating, they leave you disconnected from life through no choice of your own.
15
As other commenters note, solitude can be good. Not recognizing this is akin to the frequent mention of sociopaths being “loners,” and to using the word “antisocial” when “asocial” is meant. Indeed, there’s a prejudice lurking here. Meanwhile, how people socialize itself can be destructive, as we seem to see often these days. So, as usual, self-awareness and balance are key.
There was a useful essay the other day, “How to Eat Alone,” which included a favorite reference to Lucullus. But this passage is important here:
“Psychologists have long tried to understand why the amount of time you spend alone does not necessarily correlate to how lonely you feel. In a study by the BBC in collaboration with academics from several universities in the United Kingdom, researchers found that some people who spent very little time alone reported high loneliness, whereas others who were often alone did not always report high loneliness.
“Megan Bruneau, a therapist and executive coach who has written about loneliness, has an idea about why some people thrive with alone time. ‘They’re more able to sit with the discomfort of passing emotions, and thus they don’t fear them as much,’ she said in an email. ‘They’re more attuned to their own needs and practice self-care and self-compassion as necessary.’”
16
Loneliness is a state of being that affects many seniors, leading to severe depression and sometimes suicide. Friends die or move away. Children live out of state, are busy with their own families and jobs and have little time for an elderly parent, which is true in my case. Social groups and volunteering only fills so many hours of a long day. Now in my mid 70s, I continue to work part time to fill the void. It gives me a sense of value, purpose and importance that I otherwise would not have in my life. For now I live for my patients and my cats who need me.
8
I'm from a part of Europe where I grew up with extended family and relatives. We cared not for churches and didn't have bowling clubs, but those were the times when neighbors and cousins would just drop by unnannounced and chat, gossip, and drink tea. Now I'm in my 50s and don't understand why a year goes by and I don't talk to my siblings. When we do, the conversation is awkward, brief, and superficial. Most times I dread these talks. Cousins have vanished. I wouldn't recognise their children. Family birthdays, big anniversaries and other milestones go by, year after year, and the phone stays silent. I know I wasn't like this until I moved to the US about 25 years ago. Maybe I've become too self-absorbed or too busy, but the disconnect is real. It might have something to do with our relentless focus on individuality and economic success. Everyone, it seems, want to avoid commitment and entanglement with other people. The therenis the obsession with privacy, which I never understood as a social concept until I came to the US. It's a fetish of the bourgeoisie. Money people. Poor people don't have much privacy or even care for it. I don't know but one supposes that although loneliness is a human condition, the raging epidemic we're witnessing in our own time is probably as a result of capitalism or from the values that such system espouses.
22
During my tenure as a college president, the number of students seeking counseling at our health center tripled.
Our campus center cafeteria would be filled with students, all looking down into their phones, the room nearly quiet.
No longer did I see students greeting each other crossing the campus quad, as their heads were bowed checking out the latest Facebook posts to their account.
Our staff had to deal with instances of attempted suicide as shaming and bullying on sites like Yik-Yak drove students to despair.
The loneliness of which Mr. Kristof writes is perhaps worse than we know. Pandora’s Box is now wide open, and only a combination of thoughtful and directive parenting, coupled with a tech industry sensitive to the destruction it is reaping upon our society due to its current platform policies, will prevent society from progressing into slow social disintegration.
40
How does loneliness correlate with partisanship? And not just partisanship but with finely-divided groups who embrace and even promote divisiveness? How does the human desire to connect and share even superficial social pleasantries fade when confronted by the equally human desire to signal our values and confront those that might deny them?
And how do our institutions and technologies contribute in ways that promote both loneliness and divisiveness?
7
People who are comfortable being alone(not reclusive) don't experience the suffering of loneliness as do people who can't tolerate being alone.
There is a stigma re being uncoupled.
Waging war on "loneliness" smacks of social control
and judgement.
14
@Laura
It's not about solitude.
It's about isolation.
2
People may have reasons for dropping their elderly family off to be watched at a holiday. What if they need to go visit other family, such as another aging parent out of town or cousins to keep their own family alive and strong - and less lonely?
I don’t disagree that loneliness is a real problem. But making those who are caring for aging parents feel guilty because they occasionally leave them - when infirm old age can last for years if not decades these days - just contributes to the loneliness epidemic, and is an insensitive example.
6
@B
While I agree with you about the need for people who care for aging parents/family members need a break, dropping their parent at a hospital is not an appropriate response. There are adult day care centers, and in-home caregivers who can give people an opportunity to get things done, visit with friends and other family members, etc. Dropping them at a hospital only interferes with the ability of the medical staff to care for people who are sick or injured, and need acute care.
6
Here's the wonderful paradox of long-distance hiking for this thru-hiker:
Carrying everything you need on your back for months at a time to hike a long trail — the famous Appalachian Trail is now approaching 2,200 miles; its West Coast counterpart, the Pacific Crest Trail, is 2,600; and there are many others, some longer, some shorter — affords one great solitude.
And yet, particularly on a "social" trail such as the AT, the camaraderie and instant, intimate connection with others is often cited as the most memorable aspect of a memorable experience.
So what's going on?
First, I agree with commenters that in order to connect, it doesn't hurt to develop an ability to be with ourselves and to know ourselves. Walking 8 or 10 or even 12 hours a day in the wilderness (even if there is a highway just five miles away) is great practice.
Yet it's all about community, too. While the long-distance hiking community is not racially diverse (though most hikers would welcome this), it is diverse in nearly every other way, age, income, religious or political belief, sex and so on.
And yet, with hikers all engaged in the same, difficult pursuit, differences wash away. People who would never have met in "synthetic life" — an 18 y.o. woman and a 30-something couple; a 54 y.o. man and three guys in their 20s — relish each other's company; an atheist and a believer walk side by side, for a thousand miles....
Why, then, are we so isolated and angry with one another in society at large?
19
This is indeed a very important campaign. My GP practice in London has provided services for volunteers to sign up and spend time with an elderly person once a week. Volunteers go round and have a coffee or conversation. It's a great service and keeps the elderly in society.
15
I am friends with a number of people who are lonely. In my experience, they are difficult to be with & have a conversation with! I can't combine my friends, because they all like to talk non-stop, and talk only about themselves & their interests. They don't seem to have the skills to be with other people. Maybe lonely people need to learn social skills.
I recognize that they are all starving for attention, and desperate to be heard. But they way they are going about it is like a drowning person pulling another person down. It's not working for them.
I do what I can, but even I am frequently eager to get away from them.
21
You start by saying you have a lot of lonely friends, yet they have no social skills. Help us understand. Your solution seems to be, “just leave them alone, let them die, all by themselves, it’s their own doing, who needs them?”. Incredibly cold.
1
While I agree with much of what you are saying, I take umbridge with the idea that everyone who lives alone is lonely. People can be in a crowded room and be alone. Loneliness is about feeling like there is no one out there that cares about you or"sees" you. Ones life is as rich, or as poor, as one chooses to make it. I am not saying it is easy. Many struggle with anxiety when it comes to reaching out and talking to people. However, being a decent human being does lend itself to people wanting to be in our lives. Listening to others and feeling heard can go far in the fight to not be "alone."
As a high school teacher for eighteen years, I can tell you that technology has made it ten times more difficult to feel connected. When I started teaching, students were engaged, made eye contact, and said hello as they walked down the hallways and into my classroom. Now, it is the zombie apocalypse. They are buried in their phones with their earbuds in listening to who knows what. Yes, they tune in when they come into my room, but it takes at least 5 minutes for them to shift from whatever meaningless instatwitsnap they were looking at between classes to the lesson we are working on that day, and every year it just gets harder. I gaze at this spectacle seven times a day and am saddened by the palpable loneliness I feel not for myself, but from them. I will continue to "see" my students every day in trying to combat the zombie epidemic hoping to make a difference.
19
@Leslie Appino
The old Nokia slogan,
"Connecting people"
does not seem to be true any more if it ever was.
I was hoping the UK minister might mention one of the social programs I am involved with: Independent Age. Among its services is pairing elders who want company and companionship with volunteers, like me, who miss and crave the company of elders. It has been one of the best volunteer experiences I have ever had, benefiting both my "elder friend" and me. As an American volunteering in the UK, it has been a great experience bridging the cultural divide as well. Why not organize something like this in the US to help combat loneliness in both our elder (and youth and everyone in between) populations!
7
Someone said that the difference between loneliness and solitude is about who you are with and who made the decision.
9
Good column, but is the issue really as black and white as lonely bad, connected good? In my early 20s, I made a conscious decision to go it as alone as I could. Why? I kept noticing that too many of my relationships left me feeling worse, not better. Friendships as well as romantic partnerships. As sad as that was, the evidence kept coming in consistent. Was the problem me, my friends, or just the human tendency to view every relationship as a competition for dominance? Though I've second-guessed myself more than once as I make my way through my 50s, I have a hard time looking back and seeing a different path I could have taken. Forward looks the same. So I muddle through responsibilities as a father, son, and husband (none of which eliminate loneliness, though they may reduce it) and think, Do I really have the time or the desire to add more relationships, and more complications, to a life I can hardly keep up with already? The best answer isn't obvious.
6
I think some of this results from distorted expectations about relationships. I believe that loneliness has much to do with the qualities we perceive desirable in friends and lovers.
A single woman I train with at the gym lamented about her always being single...why? She is an intelligent, desirable woman with seemingly much to offer...
After discussing her situation, I realized that she, like many others I've known, erect a "wall" and reject potential partners outright unfairly. "He's too old"...was one reason often cited, even though there are older men at the gym who can run rings around her. She has grown children, so there is clearly no desire to have a family...Another factor is lack of physical attraction...Several studies have shown that "attractiveness" often develops over time after getting to know one another, quite contrary to the idea of love at first sight. My point is to at least give each other a chance...we might be surprised at what develops.
5
First of all, many people absolutely love living alone - I do. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I spent most of my life with other people, before retirement 10 years ago; and I now absolutely relish being alone (with my dogs, of course). So you’re right about dogs - they can help, they get you out and about and provide infinite love and company. Anyway, back to living alone. I might suggest that having great interests in the world and in arts and knowledge provide a life that is never, ever lonely. My days are filled with pursuit of things I’m interested in (like reading newspaper columns!), and I never have enough time to do everything I want. So a huge part of the problem might be that we aren’t raising children and cultivating adults’ having interests and passions that make their lives meaningful and happy. I was fortunate in pursuing education my entire life - and there is never enough time to read all the books I want to read, watch all the films I want to see, do all the dog walks I want to do, visit friends and relatives, travel......my days are absolutely filled with so much that involves no one else, and they are days that are of great satisfaction. My feeling is that people need to pursue interests that bring joy. I am never lonely, not one minute, and never have been. My cure for loneliness is to pursue what interests you and brings joy - and there won’t be time for loneliness.
37
I think that you’re supporting Kristof’s argument, although your reply sounds a bit defensive. I would bet that many of the activities that keep you happy and fulfilled (and not lonely) engage you in community one way or another. It’s interesting that so many responses to this article seem to overlook the data and want to deny that loneliness exists and is a health risk, at the least. The “not-I” defenses that pop up may put you in a different category of person, but your quickness to deny and to go one-up to those who do feel (or own) loneliness, only highlight the stigma that accompanies the whole phenomenon.
6
I was completely taken aback by the comment that people would drop off an elderly relative at a hospital for a holiday weekend to get him or her out of the way. My father-in-law, 91, is suffering from neuropathy and unable to walk after a bad reaction to lymphoma medication and the family has been unable to get the hospital to help at all. He was running his engineering business until that dose of Velcade this summer.
What is the difference between loneliness and solitude? I don't think being alone is necessarily engenders loneliness. I would much rather be in my apartment pursuing my interests than I would having a boring conversation about the weather with some one. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I truly value my alone time.
15
Those seeking genuine community might wish to check out a Unitarian Universalist congregation. UU's are guided by seven principles including: Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.
The other six are:
The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all.
No dogma, just an invitation to live with integrity.
9
I’m an Evangelical so our theology is far apart. But I thank the UU folks for providing a fellowship for people who want to live ethically without leaning on God.
I pray their movement grows.
5
What I miss most about my youth in Italy is the large piazze in the cities, the walkable streets (pedestrian friendly) where I can window shop, sit at any outdoor cafe’, watch people, meet friends and acquaintances. I still do that when I visit, but here in the US all is planned for cars.
Biking or public transportation opens up new fun opportunities if you enjoy city life and people.
Open pedestrian areas are not as common here, traffic and parking lots are right next to you if you are lucky to find a seat outdoors. So much for “people watching” or chance encounters, or safe pleasant walking. There are exceptions of course (New York City...)
18
@Armanda Ligabue
This is so true! Our public spaces reflect a built-in isolation. We don't have these wonderful public spaces in many cities. In NY there are the parks, and they are the example. Good city planning makes life better for everyone. But what a struggle it was, historically, to keep those parks from being eaten up bit by bit by commerce.
10
In the 1960s, my mom was the ad hoc neighborhood social director. There wasn't a week that went by in the summer that she wasn't hosting a group of neighborhood kids for cookies or a cold drink. In addition to "social director" she acted like a social worker, calling elders who were convalescing or just needing a chat. Today, we have turned inward seeking escape. When the solution to our malaise and burnout is just a neighbor away.
10
I appreciated this article. I've been noticing others and reading them as well. Apparently there are a lot of lonely people. What strikes me is how 'closed' off people are. People wave, may say hello - but that's it. People don't engage each other. They tend to stay in their lane. I started going to a church recently that I really liked. I wanted to 'connect' and for the first time become part of a church community. At the end of every service, something is said about being in connection with others. Yeah. Well, I joined the church (a simple sign-up form), went every Sunday and sat in the same front pew, got to know one of the priests there, sent an email to one of the older priests (failing health) and offered my help where needed and, I took a class to do volunteer work. I never heard from the older priest, or about volunteer work after following up. Annoyed, I stopped going to church. The priest, whose mass I rarely missed, never contacted me to see where I was. So much for christian love. What I'm saying is the people (pretty much all people) are self-absorbed. And, if you share with someone how you feel, they'll 'tell' you what to do vs "hey, move closer to me" or "hey, let's go see a movie'. Human beings are not the best species. Better to be born a well taken care of and loved dog.
14
I concur. Sorry we aren’t neighbors - anyone for a walk?
I talk about this issue often at my job because I do outreach social work with elders in their homes in rural areas of western Massachusetts. So many people I see are living alone and dealing with chronic health issues making it difficult or non existent for them to get out of the house. So many clients say to me: "I wish I had someone to talk to more often or someone to visit." And I will say that some these elders age 60 plus and over are not devoid of family; they are far away or they come by once a week, talk with them on the phone etc... Many have home care services such as homemaking and home health aides which help to connect and heal those wounds of loneliness.
I just love visiting with these folks; I do quite a bit of listening and get so easily intrigued with their life stories. Also I learn so much about them and ways that I can be helpful. To try and deal with loneliness has been my biggest challenge and I have been trying a few things: trying to set up an old fashion phone pal connection between clients to talk regularly, having social work student interns I am training to do some companionship visits and learn how to be deep and caring listeners, calling clients in between visits for a friendly chat. Technology can connect as well. However having said that, there is nothing like old fashion face to face time to talk, laugh, to provide encouraging words, and share to power of human connection.
17
Mr. Kristof, you are addressing a profoundly critical problem in "Let's Wage a War on Loneliness". You are right to highlight the devastating effects of loneliness - increased mortality and suicide rates, relationship dysfunction, pervasive discontent and unhappiness. As practitioners in the art and filed of listening with intent and compassion, we find that listening well changes lives. Having over 8,000 listening interactions over the past eight years, with people from around the world, our teams of listeners enable people to tell their stories of pain, disconnection and loss, freeing them to find release and relief. As members of the International Listening Association, with representatives from 19 countries, we collaborate with others who understand the healing, restorative, enlightening power that listening well brings to the world. In technologically-connected societies we see more emotional and relational disconnection than ever before. The epidemic of loneliness that pervades the world begins to be addressed by the power of listening - showing others that they matter, that they have significance, and that they are not alone.
Thank you writing this important commentary.
Michael Gingerich and Tom Kaden
Co-Founders and Co-CEO's
Someone To Tell It To
11
A Secretary of Loneliness - would the gop let such a thing happen? What more government? I can already hear the answer: Forgetaboutit! After all gop candidates are never lonely especially Trump with all their hangers on trying to get a piece of the pie.
Seriously, I blame the divisiveness of gop behavior. It's divided families for Thanksgiving, we used to have congress who had trusted friends on both sides of the aisle, and we allow more coarse behavior across the board all the while, we lie on social media about how great things are as much as Trump lies.
Loneliness has always been a problem, but it is harder now than ever to make good friends, ones that don't only call you when they want something from you. Lke trump, there's always a favor involved.
So the first thing we need to do is get rid of the gop. Then we can a Secretary of Loneliness and in doing so, you might make a few friends along the way.
9
It is a sad epidemic unfortunately that probably only will get worse. I am a 55 year old mom of three, I live in Florida moved here to help with aging parents 20 years ago. I have seen a definite change in friends/loneliness in my life, two things have greatly affected my loneliness. The first is the onslaught of social media. My friend circle is small my long term friends many live far away real communication like phone calls or actually seeing or making plans to see one another has vanished this has morphed into the false sense of friendship measured in likes and comments. The “friends” I have made here are mainly superficial through my children’s schools with one out of college one in college and a 15 year old my life will only get quieter combined with a spouse who is an extreme introvert and generally doesn’t like people. But I am an optimist and I am quite extroverted and I am not ready to give up I treasure what I do have and I hope once my youngest goes off to college my world doesn’t crumble.
11
Loneliness seems to be our lot in life, unless we really make an effort, and even then, well. I know, I have made an effort all my life. But it's still there, and basically, I feel alone in the quiet moments, and will always.
Something I have noticed over the last several years is how important shop keepers and clerks are in our lives. As I tell my local coop, some of the customers you see will only interact with you, and all the rest of the day will be alone. These little human interactions matter a great deal. I want people who work in public- the store owners, the police, the nurses and doctors, the public works people, the check out people to know what a service their just being there provides for all of us.
26
I live in a "neighborhood" of intelligent, educated people closeted behind fences. We speak graciously, wave decorously and on rare occasion help one another.
What we are not is a "community", the kind of place I left 15 years ago, thinking a city would afford more close-by activities as I aged, and better mass transportation.
Recently I returned for a visit to that place and was swamped by hugs and smiles and the memories of front-porch get-togethers in summer and caroling in December.
I am lonely living where I do, though superficial socializing and volunteering to the best of my abilities does help. But where is the cup of sugar borrowed, the porch sit as the stars emerge, the sense of being loved despite my older age?
The place is never of the same impromptu quality that I loved in my former community. So I am looking for a home in the place I left. Once I retired, I realized that "next-door" community is critical.
My kids do not live here nor does any extended family so that "go-to" that sustains many other people is missing.
I give life my best, but feel invisible and lost in this "neighborhood" of the cloistered.
27
The basic human unit from our ancient history is the tribe, not a couple or even an extended family. It's no wonder so many marriages and families have trouble, when so much is expected from and dependent on those relationships.
The most logical place to have a sense of community is the workplace, where we spend most of our waking hours and engage in productive activity -- but it's difficult to depend on workplace relationships when they can change at any time, and most employers place efficiency above loyalty or a sense of community. Religion is also problematic, because far too often the emphasis is on a specific belief or dogma and not a sense of community.
Clubs would at least be a start, and the more local and the more often the meet-ups, the better. But it might also help if employers recognized that their role in society should go beyond pure profits, and if more religious (and political) groups emphasized a sense of community above adhering to a specific dogma.
5
But isn’t the reason for being in a church or a political group because there’s a shared belief system? That doesn’t make sense to ask them to become less than what they are.
4
I’m 15 years away from retirement (I hope) and would love to find an adult community that isn’t just a condo for seniors but a community place that integrates others on site: A daycare center, an animal shelter, a food co-operative, a children’s play ground, etc. There would be great mutual benefit for all concerned — I hope to find this magical place one day.
So many of the problems described here have resulted from two income families as necessity, no support systems for working parents, no voucher or tax breaks for full time care givers, and viewing our homes as investments rather than as a part of a larger community. My community is civically engaged but I admit that I have little time to give because I need to work.
10
Kudos for starting this much needed dialogue!
We should be demanding more funding for social attention as preventive medicine, but unless big pharma comes up with a pill we will continue to treat the symptom, not the cause.
4
It is an epidemic alright, but different in different places. What I want to discuss is how I, and no doubt many others, actively contribute to this lonliness. I am looking young but am 76. My family all died young in my thirties. That was a body blow. Then I had various occupations that made me feel like the life of the party, lots of friends. That came to an end and I'm not sure why. I hate the phone ringing and though most people like me if they meet me, most do not meet me. My only kid is an addict. Because I had a fairly small but not too small inheritance I opened my house to a helper who is great, 43 and to a friend who I met in my late 60's when he was 18. But most people don't have that luxery. I want to remarry again and there are men interested but I stay hermetic. Some of us create our own lonliness. Having two fun roommates is great. Thanks Nick!
12
Did my late teens and early adult years in the 1960s and ’70s offer me a different moment than young people today?
In an essay that was published last month in the Los Angeles Times, Varun Soni, dean of Religious Life at the University of Southern California, spoke to the changing nature of questions that his students raised over the course of his 11 years there.
“Where they used to talk about hope and meaning, now they grapple with hopelessness and meaninglessness,” says Soni. “Every year, it seems, I encounter more stress, anxiety and depression, and more students in crisis on campus.” Among the most frequent questions students ask today, he says, is “How do I make friends?”
To address this, USC offers various campus activities aimed at advancing connection and a sense of belonging, including yoga classes, friendship courses, meditation retreats and campfire conversations, to name just a few.
For today’s youth and young adults, there are compelling challenges that cannot be solved by attending yoga or meditation classes, although I highly recommend participation in enriching programs such as these.
The universal challenges we face today are as compelling as at any time in my life. Active participation in civic affairs that address a host of issues such as climate change or common sense gun reform is one way to prevent the loneliness of hopelessness and despair.
8
It sounds paradoxical, but I wonder if we become unable to connect—and thus lonely—when we don’t know how to enjoy solitude. Our inner life flowers in solitude; alone with ourselves, we become curious about who we are. We get to know ourselves, our feelings, thoughts, and obsessions, our dreams and desires, which makes it easier to get to know others. We develop curiosity about others and become more able and interested in listening by practicing, so to speak, on ourselves. I’m wondering, that is, if we can’t expect to find in the company of others something we are unable to find in ourselves.
178
@Kryztoffer I agree with you. Though I say that from the perspective of an introvert. I think, because of social media, a lot of people have started to believe they are the person they portray themselves to be online rather than actually taking the time to figure out who they are. We are all complex and taking the time to sort out and realize our own complexities can only help you when you do have the opportunity to interact with others. It may also help you have more of an open mind and reduce the number of people you discount because they say something you disagree with.
3
@Kryztoffer
You may be on to something: most of the people I know can't stand it when they are by themselves
4
@Kryztoffer Thank you Mr. Thoreau.
1
I don't agree with this article; I'm a widow and for the past ten years or so, I have been living alone; I go to work, exercise, eat a very healthy diet and enjoy and embraced my solicitude.
My health its also good, I enjoy reading, watching movies, going hiking, cooking, listening to music. And very rarely feel the need to being with someone. So, NO being alone, it's not a significant problem in my life. Not being able to have a good book to read, or a new great food recipe to cook might give me that a bit of sense of loneliness and I'M only guessing.
82
@Liz Hernandez Liz, those of us who love our solitary lives are so lucky. But as you can see from the letters here, many people struggle alone. It's not a choice or a character flaw. It's just a reflection of human diversity.
68
@Liz Hernandez
I too live alone and like it, but I see the high cost of loneliness everywhere. Its important to remember that living alone and social isolation are not the same thing. I connect with people through work, classes I take, family, and, yes, friends, all while living by myself.
30
@Liz Hernandez That’s wonderful that your life is so rich. The concept of loneliness is not something to “agree” or “disagree” with. It just is. It’s not to be challenged.
16
The most shocking thing that the French discovered when the death toll due to the heat wave of 2003 was tallied (20,000 supplementary deaths) was the number of older people who had died alone with no one checking on their welfare either during or after the two-week long period of temperatures in the 90’s- and this in a country with relatively little air conditioning in private dwellings. In France, where older people are always present at family gatherings- birthdays, first communions, christenings, weddings, Christmas, Easter etc., there was a national feeling of shame that many of those who died had families, but they had either left on long vacations or simply were no longer in contact with their elderly relatives. Although France does not have a minister for loneliness, the appalling number of lonely deaths in 2003 was a real wake-up call for the Social Services here, and the population in general, and happily, more initiatives are being put into place to tackle the crisis of “la solitude” -even when not caused by heat waves.
143
I think this has been a problem for many years. In my profession I worked with many elderly people. The loneliness that they felt was practically palpable. My heart goes out to them. I would love to see more community involvement but most senior citizens are on a budget and have a hard time even putting food on the table. Still it is up to us do something about this problem. As a wise man once said all it takes for bad things to happen is for good people to do nothing.
126
I’ve been keenly aware of the loneliness epidemic for a few years now, particularly for two reasons- learning of my great-grandfather’s suicide, and coming to terms with my own suicidal ideation that took place a decade ago, following my father’s sudden death. Both were strongly touched by a sense of isolation, the feeling of being entirely alone, whilst surrounded by others.
As I’ve learned more about this contradiction and the increasing numbers of suicides in our current culture, I’ve begun making an effort to address people directly, especially strangers, even if only with a simple “hello”. A moment of eye contact, a nod, just a brief glimpse of human warmth- a tiny connection that takes me outside of my own space, and shares a sense of kindness and connection. I think of my great-grandfather’s distressful death, and my own past fears, and this drives my desire to break down barriers, however abbreviated the moment might be.
192
@Danielle
Thank you for posting this comment. Taking every opportunity to connect with another human being out there in this world is a quiet but powerful resistance
to what ails humanity. Lifting up others by showing kindness is good for the soul.
"Be kind to everyone you meet for they are fighting a hard battle"
I am sorry that I cannot credit the author. The quote is older than the hills but sage wisdom about humans.
22
Why were you so hard on cat owners? Contrary to your belief, now I know that owning a cat helps dissipate loneliness not only because of the pet company itself but also because you can start conversations with other cat owners. It helps that I have an extended family in which every member keeps in touch. However, after deciding to have two cats, my wife and I are pleased to say that cats please us very much! And I am sure that many people will agree with us!
455
@Ademario I don't mean to pick on cats! Just following the evidence. The Australian study that I linked to found benefits from owning dogs but not from owning cats. Dogs seem to be beneficial not only because they show affection, but also because they require walks -- which get owners out of the home and chatting with other dog-owners. But even the evidence on dogs is inconsistent.
219
@Nicholas Kristof, ok, I got the point of walking-need dogs. However, if you think of people who cannot walk dogs anymore - not my case, but one of my wife's aunts - cats would be more appropriate, don't you think? Nevertheless, you should admit that you have startled cat owners...
35
@Ademario I didn't get the impression he was hard on cat owners. I'm a cat owner.
Choose not to be offended.
91
I am never lonely when alone, but in a crowd of strangers ...
Perhaps because in my 64 years I have never expected other people to entertain, or amuse me, or God forbid!, to “complete me”.
I feel happy, content and secure. I am grateful for my friendships across the world. My closest relationship is with my dog. With my Kindle as a close second! Books, Music, Videos enrich my life. And a for many years a Meditation practice has been the rock of my life. So I never get “lonely”.
I am empathetic enough to feel compassion for others who suffer from loneliness and depression.
14
I fear that our schools are not helping the situation. Instead of spending money to fund counselors who might help those children who are lonely we are instead spending money on good guys with guns, surveillance cameras, and ways to "harden" schools. When it comes to measuring the "effectiveness" of schools we focus on things that are easy to measure like standardized test scores, per pupil spending, and the number of computers. Since it is difficult to measure the happiness or connectedness of children and even more difficult to address the underlying causes of those problems they are ignored. And worse, in the name of personalization, we have students spending more time isolating themselves on computers and less time interacting with each other. If we want to improve our connections with each other, we might start by disconnecting from technology in classrooms and re-engaging in dialogue.
106
@WFGERSEN I got a *ping* from your comment about students isolating themselves. Yesterday, at my local health club, I saw five middle school boys lined up on the bleachers waiting to shoot baskets. Every one of them sat with bent head over a phone. One boy seemed bored with his screen and kept looking up and around but there was "no one home" on his bench to talk to.
What could have been an opportunity to catch up with each other and share a game on the court became a solitary exercise in staring at their devices.
My impulse was to take the iconic photo of them lined up absorbed in their phones but realized it's been done a thousand times already. I could hear the phrase: "OK boomer" in my head. But it's worrisome. The loneliness we're seeing is just the beginning.
10
We used to have low fences like Dagwood and his neighbor Herb used to talk over. Now we have "privacy fences" that are tall and you cannot see through them.
We went from front porches to side porches to back decks...surrounded by privacy fences.
I have heard people talk endlessly about wanting privacy when searching for a new house. I rarely hear them ask for good neighbors, although they may want to be able to walk to a coffee shop or bar.
Rarely to people welcome new neighbors with the traditional cookies. I do that. Some welcome it, and some think it is weird and fear I might want to be friends.
I hear people becoming fearful of who those people are who are moving in next door. Will we like them? I rarely hear them express excitement about new neighbors.
We seem to have turned into a suspicious, fearful people.
843
@MayCoble I went over to welcome my new next-door neighbors today (sans cookies). The man looked at me a bit suspiciously. I reassured him that my husband and I are merely friendly - we won't be coming over to bother you - and that seemed to ease his mind.
83
@MayCoble
I live in a town with 1 acre property required for wells and septics. We all have LOTS of trees. Neighbor wanted to start an argument about whose leaves were on his property. And after blowing a path, his 10 year old kid came out and threw leaves back on our path. The son also taunts our dog.
The neighbor is a generation younger than we are and the kids go to a touchy-feel-ly school.
So much for touchy-feel-ly.
69
@MayCoble Thanks for reading my column, and I agree that architecture is a part of this. People used to have front porches that they would sit out on to see neighbors. And we used to have tiny homes that forced us to hang out with each other and forced kids to play in the streets. Now we're more affluent and have more spacious homes with higher fences. All this has happened as social institutions like churches and neighborhood clubs have frayed.
330
When I was younger, I would go to Clearwater, Florida, every winter to visit my in-laws. They had retired in their mid-sixties and moved into a new condo along with several other recent retirees. It was great. There were parties, gatherings, friendly chats, card games, and all sorts of social activities. The years were busy. I heard, "The sixties are the youth of old age" and it was obvious. A decade later for many of them, life was a a different story. Wheelchairs, nurses, oxygen tanks and masks were more frequent. The parties were gone. The condo was quieter. Alas, age was taking its toll. However, one group of people seemed to be thriving. The artists thrived. A woman painted. Another woman wrote poetry. Some played piano or sang. It seems that those who were into the arts, those who continued to read, to be curious about life, and who exercised, kept on going no matter what. With that in mind, when I turned 68 I took up violin. Too old for violin? Really? So what? I'm now 70 and going to recitals, soirees, open mic shows, and anywhere else I can play. I'm having a great time. I take weekly lessons from a woman half my age. I play in recitals with people two feet shorter than I am, and decades younger. At some point, who knows when, I'm going down for the count. However, until then it's full steam ahead. The violin and I are going to knock this out all the way. I never feel lonely. Life can try to pull me down, but I'm just not going to let that happen. Neither should you.
985
@Michael Kennedy This is a wonderful way to approach life. Good for you, Michael!
But, as you note, this is not an option for people who are ill and housebound. If you can't easily get up, and get dressed, if you can't tidy your home, you won't be going out or having people in. It's not always a choice.
65
@Nekogal
True. I approach each day with gratitude. Two months ago, I had a bicycle accident. I sprained part of my wrist and broke a bone. It has taken all this time to recover. Hence, every time I pick up the violin, I'm grateful I have another day to play. I know at some point this may end. All I can do is hope it is several years from now, and not tomorrow. However, I'm going to keep a positive attitude for as long as I can. I've seen others surrender to bitterness and spite due to physical limitations. I don't want to do that. A couple of years ago I visited my mother in an assisted living facility. One of the women was 101 years old. She was delightful. One day I was walking down a hall and she said, "Michael! You're still here!" I said, "Yes, I am." She replied, "Me too! Isn't it amazing?" A week later she was gone, but she kept the joy within her all the way.
211
@Michael Kennedy
I read, and considered your thoughts, and am grateful for them. As we sit I have tears for my husband who died recently. It’s encouraging to hear how others “revamp .. re-organize” their lives and are able to find happiness when facing despair.
Alternatively, researching and thinking about end of life has comfort as well. I’m pretty sure I know the end of my life and have no regrets.
39
So many social, economic, and environmental problems in the USA will not improve without genuine face to face grass or roots political organizing and collective action. Such actions may or may not accomplish their immediate objectives, but do help their participants feel less lonely and less likely to think of these problems as individual failings.
3
A bit more organization, outreach and facilities might improve loneliness. I don’t think it is a dilemma that requires a federal department and a resounding budget and mandates. Some interesting comments have sprung from the readers. One, “having no company is better than bad company”. Two, “people need to find their own anti-loneliness devices” to combat it , i.e. entertainment, pastimes, hobbies, interests, to keep their minds and souls engaged within the context of solitude which can be gratifying. On the roots of causes that may trend us towards increased loneliness ( isolation ) - reluctance to talk to strangers, a split in intergenerational interaction and support versus mores of a century ago, the surge of one way media such as as radio and television which come in mid 20th century and subsumed the over 70 age folks, then nowadays the use of all sorts of digital devices in lieu of actual human contact by the younger cohorts.
3
Based on some comments here I’d like to say that loneliness is very real and rather than passing jugement on those who are lonely it would be helpful to use this opportunity to learn. Some have said they are not lonely and enjoy solitude. Let’s not confuse the two! Successful solitude is taught in childhood. If an individual is not secure in their “personhood” starting as a child it becomes very difficult to achieve an enjoyment of solitude as an adult. Bravo to those who enjoy their solitude. Make room in your minds for those who suffer from loneliness, a diagnosis.
8
Totally. One thing I have sadly noticed is that everyone is plugged into their devices. Years ago when I traveled I often had interesting conversations with people I met on buses, trains, etc. When I was in college I started talking with a young guy on a bus; he later became a boyfriend. Now everyone is on their phones looking at their Facebook/Instagram etc feeds, texting or listening to music. On longer trips they're watching their videos. We're very isolated. You can have 1500 Facebook "friends" but which of them is truly a "friend"?
8
The polarized political climate doesn't help -- it used to be that strangers on a bench would likely discuss what they had in common. Today, the same scenario often ends in a debate, and not necessarily a friendly one.
9
I’m an introvert, preferring the company of silence or at most one or two friends. That’s a good thing, because I’m also poor. The deteriorating economic situation of people can’t be ignored when looking at deteriorating social ties. Everything takes money- owning a dog, traveling to social activities, engaging in social activities, owning a smart phone.
20
@Nicholas Kristof
I think it's marvelous that you engaged with commenters! That's also something one doesn't see much these days.
Having lived in Seattle all my life, my husband and I made the decision to move to Italy with our dog nearly three years ago (our adult son ended up moving to London and working there). It was very much because I wanted to ditch our car, live in a smaller place, go to the local cafe for coffee every day(except Sunday, when it's closed), learn a new language and new way of living. One can still have a bit of loneliness, but all I have to do is walk across the street to the park and see people playing soccer, and basketball, and tiny children riding the merry go round or playing in their playground, or take my dog to the dog area - or just sit on a bench and listen to the children or old people chatting near me. And loneliness is forgotten...
9
One factor not addressed in this piece is money. So many of us live on strict budgets that truly make it difficult to afford activities outside our home. If you live in a rural area it costs to drive to the theater or club. Owning a pet is expensive. Eating well is expensive and going out for a meal can be prohibitive. One unexpected financial burden can be a catastrophe. Moving into a retirement community is a joke for most of us. So while those of us who have expendable income can still be lonely many of us simply cannot afford to do a whole lot. Compound this with our deteriorating community bonds and I think loneliness and depression will remain a huge problem.
33
After reading some of the replies and myself growing up in a neighborhood with tons of kids around-well-the kids are there again in this present day but they are staring at their screens. Bicycles, waterskiis, modelbuilding., all things of the past. Even in sports, hop in the SUV right after the game and drive home. No baseball games organized in the neighbors lot. I guess everything changes.
4
Yesterday 40 volunteer students and their parents joined me for two hours in upgrading a trail thru a wilderness swamp where I serve as county volunteer trail steward. Their clothes got wet and muddy, they got tired and dirty, and they enjoyed it.
At the midpoint of our work session we took a brief tour where I showed them scars on trees from deer scraping the velvet off their antlers, and holes in the ground with box turtle eggshell fragments scattered nearby. At the end of our work session I thanked them for contributing the equivalent of months of work, and my hope that they had learned or increased their appreciation of nature and how much fun it can be to work together to help others.
Volunteering to work with others to help others can go a long way toward alleviating individual loneliness, while producing huge benefits for many.
6
Yes, loneliness is an issue. What you don't say is that accompanied by loneliness is shame. (See Dr. Olds and Schwartz, "The Lonely American") So people don't admit to it but adapt to it. It is very hard in our society to fix loneliness - where do you go when you want to be with people? When Robert Putnam (of "Bowling Alone" identified lack of social connection as a cause of social mistrust he realized that Americans has stopped joining groups (Rotary, church, bowling leagues) which is where social connections are made. We (Sharing Housing, Inc.Sharing Housing, Inc.) are working on convincing more people that they can simply live together as a way of having social connection. Especially important for older people as they get less mobile.
8
It’s fitting that Britain is awakened to the cascading and deep impacts of loneliness...their own John Bowlby, the pschiatrist who developed attachment theory in the 50s and 60s asserted that isolation is inherently traumatizing. The U.S. took a different path with B.F. Skinner and Freud, who both made their own important contributions to psychological science, but their theories fit more neatly into the more individualistic culture here. But we are seeing that we cannot deny our need for connection...we cannot go it alone if we want to keep going.
9
The place to start is not "gifts" but passions and learning. People are lonely because they don't know how not to be. They're stuck in social condition without realizing how to get beyond the confines of their situation. If they find a passion and are given or devise ways to use it with others, they will naturally find their way out of loneliness. The problem then is not really loneliness but a social system that neglects the learning people need.
3
Nicholas, l had this experience about 7 years ago when I moved to Florida. It's irrelevant, but I'm 79 years old now. My wife was care taking her mother during a serious illness, and I had driven to Vero Beach to attend church that morning. I ended up getting there at least a half hour early, so I stopped at a McDonald's and went in to eat breakfast. I looked around and here were all these very old senior citizens in there. All of them were having breakfast by themselves. This shook me up as I thought about the fact that most all of them must have had spouses, friends, or family some years earlier. But here they were, all alone at each table, an observation that evoked extreme empathy in me. You have put your finger on something that is a real tragedy in this culture.
22
I experienced more loneliness living in suburbia than in a tight knit rural community. Part of the issue, I believe, is the lack of volunteerism. There are too many takers in society, either due to selfishness, or the 24 hour economy. In a small community, one is more likely to volunteer and meet others because the community requires it.
4
I truly believe the problem is not loneliness.
The problem is that people do not master the art of solitude.
7
Exactly. People can’t even drive on roads without all huggermugger traveling blindingly fast at real close spacing and then, for long periods there’s nobody. This behavior happens with mostly locals who think they know the road and travel right behind the first car they can speed up to tailgate and then fume at (or get on a social network and complain about and photograph)
I am a 79 year old woman with two children. They live miles from me. And I have NO pets. I keep all my doctor appointments, I exercise and I try to eat a healthy diet.
I am NOT lonely. In fact, I enjoy being alone. Recently I had surgery. People flocked to me. Someone stayed overnight following surgery. Although I enjoyed her help she reminded me of a mother hen.
I was so glad to finally be alone.
My recovery from surgery? My doctor was amazed at my healing and my ability to walk like normal a few days after surgery.
There are so many benefits of living alone. I don't need the radio or TV on all day long. I read, take time doing household chores, meditate. I enjoy the quiet.
Let's talk about Loneliness. We often create problems when we suggest something is not normal.
My sister is even more alone than I am.
8
@esp "People flocked to me." That tells me that you are a very good friend whom people love and will take care of. Hence not being lonely. One issue is that too many people seem to have forgotten or never know how to be friends. And/or they don't make the time to create friendships. It takes time together doing stuff, chatting, building memories of being together to deepen friendships. It takes sharing, authenticity, vulnerability... What is your approach to friendship?
@Annamariep
Most of the people that flocked to me I would not consider friends, especially as you have defined friendship. I would consider them as kind people who saw someone in need. I rarely see these people.
Loneliness is a problem? Wage a War on Loneliness in society?
Loneliness is indeed a human problem, but unfortunately when it's combatted it's far more likely to be confused with enforcing conformism than anything else. People typically think that overcoming loneliness is to somehow become enfolded with other people rather than that people should somehow spread out and approximate thought and behavior of the more solitary, remote and strange people.
In other words, cure for loneliness is not likely to be increase of stamina for solitude on the part of the whole of society but to have society close in on itself and those who cannot or will not be enfolded not to mention who find themselves rejected by others are as luckless as those people we speak of who will not respond to a particular medicine.
Society with respect to this problem seems to follow the physics, biology of tree growth: The branches, leaves (individuals) spread only so far from main trunk (cluster of mores, norms, etc. of society) and cure for loneliness is far more likely to take form of closing in toward trunk than branches spreading out further, for spread beyond limit apparently is more dangerous than containment within limit.
But we know this, we have always tried to tame plants, trees, encourage people to tame wild and unruly hair, etc. Humans consider animal life more mobile, capable of extension than plant life, but the loneliness problem seems to suggest we don't fall far from apple on tree.
Technology is one of the primary enables of loneliness, though it’s ironically meant to foster connectivity. Another key contributor is the price tag associated with socializing. Virtually all aspects of social activities are commercialized, seems like its impossible to “go out” without spending lots of money.
6
A year ago this week, I bought a house in France for my retirement. At first, my goal was to have a house in the country so I could have a garden. I settled for a village house realizing that the socialization that would provide would be invaluable as time goes on. And it has proven to be true. My neighbors have been very welcoming and kind.
My friends have called me brave and courageous, but I’m just doing something I’ve always felt the need and desire to do given French Canadian roots. I love this culture, it’s language, history, etc. and it’s been fun and challenging to live in this new environment and perfect my ability to speak the language.
France takes care of its own. I’m involved with an organization called Acceuil Village France which provides social opportunities for newcomers to most cities in France. There are movie outings, hikes, classes in French, German and English. Membership is €30 per year.
I’ve also joined an organization called Cancer Support France organized by British expatriates to assist those dealing with cancer be it to help with translation, running errands or moral support. They have an English language book sale every other month to raise money. But it’s a cheap way to find good, used books. At three books for one euro, it’s a deal. It is also a nice way to meet people.
I will be 70 next year and hope my investment in time and people will pay off when my health fails and I need support and assistance.
21
Bravo. Wonderful story and efforts. Best wishes
4
I envy you. Ever since I traveled to Europe (in 1986 that is, right before, during and after the Khadafi air strike & Chernobyl; I slept on the ground in Sundsval, where the radiation was first detected), I found northern Holland and NW France most delightful and I fit in, because I TRIED to speak a local dialect
What might happen if schools across the country were open, perhaps a few evenings a week, say 6:00 PM-10:00 PM with activities for residents of the community? Sliding scale entrance fee. Dances with local bands. Chess competitions. Bingo. Yoga classes.
12
@A We can't get funding to educate the kids. Where do you think the money for this would come from?
People have to drive to get there in most parts of the US.
Why frame it in such a negative way? Call it a Dept. of Social Networks, because that is what we need to rebuild. Help people build neighborhood organizations, and at the same time, regulate some of the bad side effects of the social networks on the internet.
5
Kurt Vonnegut's 1974 novel 'Slapstick' pictured a future America suffering a loneliness epidemic due to the breakdown of the extended family and other issues. One character's solution, to assign artificial extended families to all Americans to combat loneliness, carried him to the presidency on the slogan of "lonesome no more."
It's a great book, and food for thought as loneliness does seem to be running rampant.
One more thought: I never feel lonely with a good book and some music. If you're lonely, look to your local library. They tend to host plenty of events and even if they don't you can still check out a book for free. Happy reading!
30
I am 75, a writer with four prothesis from two accidents. The worst was learning to accept I could never write a poem again unless I used a computer. Writing and swimming have become the supports against the loneliness of age and handicap. These activities keep me from grumbling so family and friends still enjoy my company and keep away loneliness.
18
Thank you very much - Mr. Kristof - for your article about loneliness. Looking at the photo of the "Early morning commuters in London" reminded me of an experience I had one afternoon many years ago in a suburb of New York. I sat down on a park bench on which another woman was already seated - and I started chatting with her. I don't remember what we talked about. But I clearly remember that after a very short time she said, "You're not from around here." I replied, "No, I'm not. How could you tell? Was it because of my accent?" - because I'd grown up in Illinois and I thought I probably still had a sort of middle western accent. She said, "No, it's because you spoke to me."
In that photo most of the solitary individuals waiting for their commuter train seem to be looking down. I'm guessing that they're looking down at their Smart phones. I think technology is contributing greatly to the epidemic of loneliness in our society.
16
This is probably a big generalisation, but it always seemed to me that my relatives and friends back home in India always had a more happy social existence than I did living in Australia. There were always people coming over during the day and night (not calling and requesting permission as is so often the case here), festivals, celebrations, events all the time. Chaos definitely a lot of the time! But there was a certain "je ne sais quoi", which I struggle to find here. People always on the streets, a certain energy and rhythm to life.
Everything here closes after 5pm, everyone retreats to their apartments or houses, it can feel so soul-less at times. God forbid you look at someone on a train or bus and try to start a conversation!
29
@V My wife and I had a very different experience in Australia. It helped I was in a sabbatical at a University and my lab was really multicultural - I can remember 12 different countries in the same room! People were friendly, yes. However, I think a casual move by myself and the other Brazilian helped a lot. After a while, when we were already acquainted with everybody, we suggested to the others: Why cannot everybody go visiting someplace together on the weekend? We had a wonderful time and that opened the gates for more socialization and friendship. I keep contact with them more than two years after we left Australia. And all of them were much younger than me!
2
Another columnist was writing about his worry that dishonesty and mistrust are taking hold in America.
In thinking of former friends in the U.S. that I have broken off contact with during my last 21 years in France, from the time I was 37 until now, when I am 58, I was thinking that many people don’t even know what the truth is, about themselves. Their lives are farces, well suited for Facebook, full of images and a few words, but not much more.
At some point one needs to accept that this is your life, for better and for worse. The half liter glass is full, but it isn’t a 1 or 2 liter glass.
The problem, very often, is not the limited quantity, only a half liter, but rather the quality.
Americans often have full 1 liter glasses, that are full of poison.
6
When I first found myself alone with a young child and a very difficult aging mother, post my divorce, life could be very lonely. I fit in nowhere, not with married people nor with singles because my life and responsibilities were different. Eventually I found a synagogue where I was at home and I got involved to the extent that I could. Although I knew that I was more welcome when I had a man in my life, I still had a life for me when my child grew up and my mother died.
Many years have passed and I recently moved to Israel to be near my adult child and grandchildren. I attend everything aimed at English language speakers and I went to classes to learn Hebrew. (That's given me greater respect for immigrants to America who struggle with English). However, synagogue life is not the same, although I keep going. I also began teaching locally, initially as a volunteer.
What keep me functioning are my family, my ongoing visits from friends from the US and WhatsApp, and I suppose my determination. (Also trips home). I prefer not to think about a future in which I could be less mobile or worse. Perhaps I am better off because I learned how to function alone when I was still young, a lesson for us all.
11
Nick,
I try to stay connected to some purpose outside of myself (global warming) and as a result get opportunities to discuss current affairs and how my interest is relevant to the times and try as hard as I can to be persuasive about the purpose of my issue when I get a chance to discuss with others.
I read your column regularly in addition to other columnists in the Times and whenever I get a chance I try to write a comment.
Loneliness is an important issue and particularly for our aging and retired population, and I think you are on to an extremely important issue that we all need to work on.
My wife and I are 82 and fortunately, I still work and I mainly am with many much younger colleagues but I can't help but feel depressed as my contemporaries die off. Aging is not easy and the hard part is the rapidly increasing sense of isolation just because old friends die or become gravely ill or very disabled. I dread the day that my wife and I don't have each other but this issue is important for those who are isolated.
I have been thinking about this issue for years and bravo to the British government for their initiative. We need to continue our intellectual exploration of this issue and try some social experiments.
An idea that I have thought of is to change the tax code to encourage multi generation housing. I grew up in a place where many of my aunts and uncles and their children lived very near or with my maternal grandmother. It was a wonderful childhood.
14
Oh, I suppose that I echo other’s comments about trying to be neighborly without success, or attempting to be friendly with co-workers only to be rebuffed. I find myself incredibly alone. And at the risk of being superficial I will take my own advice regarding the adage if you want a friend, be a friend. Thank you Mr.Kristof for bringing this to our attention and I would encourage you to write updates about this growing Public Health problem.
12
I'm alone. But I'm not lonely. And there are two main reasons. I've got two four-legged companions. And I've got no one who drives me crazy. My theory is that really bad company is as bad for your health as loneliness. I do better when my aggravation is a dog stealing my dinner. I can always make another dinner. But an incompatible companion -- that would be really bad for my health.
49
As you suggested inferentially, briefly, the church is a source of comfort diminishing one's loneliness. I am in three fellowship groups and pray with a fellow believer one day a week. I actually talk to people at the gym where I work out six days a week. I know even the absence of my spouse of 41 years for a few days can worsen my diet and my sleep pattern. It's lonely Nick. I think all of us should "make contact" as much as possible on our brief sojourn on this small sometimes very lonely planet.
9
Consider what your church has to offer. I know of no other place where three generations regularly get together. Our church has a craft group, Zumba, regular outings or game nights, and holds bazaars twice a year. Come for the companionship and help support the church's outreach to the lonely and sick who are confined to home or help raise money for charity. You don't have to attend on Sunday.
5
Having sat in these hills for the past 20 years, connected to life primarily by the cycle of the moon and shift of the seasons, yes, solitaire life can be cancerous. But it was in the Big City even more so, where self-constructed walls evolved into a microscopic mentality and one's world became a pinhole.
We ARE 'social creatures' after all, and for a simple reason. Our fundamental nature is unity, oneness, but the ego is a universal trap and Western homage to the Individual contrary to truth on truth's terms.
A remedy? Beauty. Find it where you may ... for it is a counter-balance to isolation. Acknowledge that we are wired to 'be useful' ... the process is the uplifting key, not the focus or degree of impact. Contribute to your world and it will embrace you. Be well.
10
I am not lonely and have never felt lonely, although my entire live I moved to new countries and cultures between every 4-10 years and had to summon lots of energy to start all over every time. Now I have three children and am overwhelmed by connections with lovely people while trying to keep up with friends elsewhere (social media helps). I have to fight for alone Time! However, I am married to someone who for the past 20 years has been living the exact same life as I have, yet he complains of loneliness- he also states that he was lonely in the one hometown he lived in most of his life before we embarked on living in different cities. My conclusion is, I have a gift for connecting and he doesn’t. After the 30 minutes we went grocery shopping together, for example he can recite the prices of items, yet I will have made a new connection. I have tried to help him feel less lonely - oh man, have I tried everything- but it seems like it is either a choice or condition of his. I have relatives and friends who live alone and are definitely not lonely. Between their father’s disposition and the cell phone addiction, I am very much monitoring and nudging my teenage children to healthy socializing- we actually moved to a city where they are independently mobile- on purpose.
5
A big factor is modern prosperity. We are no longer as economically reliant on other people, including family and friends. So we don’t stick together like in older days.
At the same time, work opportunities are increasingly not local. There are constant changes in the economy, and job opportunities shift around geographically.
So mobility is a much bigger part of life now, and this mobility means that many people work and live in places where they didn’t grow up, where they don’t have family, classmates, or longtime friends. So you basically have a bunch of strangers living in the same place, and they keep to themselves.
7
“Extended families have dissolved, and social institutions like churches, bowling leagues and neighborhood clubs have frayed.”
Churches are still there, people choose to not attend. I’m not a religious person but I bet most isolated people in America could find a church to attend and the cost of admission is free.
3
It’s not the same thing when there is no spouse, no sibling, or no child to care whether you are alive or not.
2
Mr. Kristof, you mentioned the internet but you failed to discuss cell phones. Sometimes a cure, or partial one, for a lonely day can be to get out and head where you know there will be other people, a coffee house, for example.
There you can start up a conversation, however brief, in line, at the condiment station, or while sitting next to someone else who is alone.
But first, you have to find someone who is not staring at, or talking on, their cellphone.
That's a challenge.
16
Facebook is like getting those cheesy, upbeat holiday letters in the mail recapping the writer’s family triumphs - but getting one several times a day every day.
23
E.O. Wilson calls this the eremocene epoch, the age of loneliness. Unhelpful in combating the socially expensive and deadly results of loneliness is a country whose president promotes divisiveness and hate. And before him decades of cultural conditioning based on the primacy of rugged individualism and the enervating meme that anything less than success (moneywise) is the a personal failure. Mr. Kennedy of Portland, OR has it right. Art's the answer. Art concentrates the mind. Attention to the details required of art reveals the wonder of our existence. Loneliness and wonder are incompatible.
9
@Jaden Cy - Yes!
1
From the time I was about 12 I rarely felt anything but lonely. It was all encompassing. 30 years later I don't feel it as much not because my connections are extremely fulfilling I found a vocation I love that I get a sense of purpose from. And of course I have a cat. That helps to. I often wonder how my loneliness dissipated since things haven't changed greatly for the better. I think the internet works as a distraction and in a superficial way takes the pangs off of loneliness. You could feel involved with people without actually being involved with them. Even being a voyeur in somebody else's life can make one feel involved at times. I'm sure this is unhealthy not much different then an alcoholic or compulsive eater who uses these as go to distractions. It numbs some of the superficial pain that comes with loneliness, can take one's mind off of it, but leaves one without any feeling of real fulfillment or depth. It can make you forget what you're missing in life but never replace it.
10
I have a not-so-elderly (75) female friend who is lonely. She has antagonized and made enemies of her old friends and her family. It’s hard to even want to call her on the phone and only out of a sense of duty do I visit. It’s never pleasant. I wonder if the drugs she takes has changed her personality.
I’m trying to say, some people are alone because they have driven away family and friends.
21
@Zejee, once upon a time a started visiting a lonely old man who was living alone in a rural community that I visit until today since the place is so beautiful. I felt sorry for him. However, after a while, I understood why not even his own children would come to visit - the guy was mean. I was living a difficult time and ventured to tell him since we had already known each other for a year. I saw him smile. I was shocked that he could enjoy my hardships. It was not the only ungenerous action that I saw him doing, but it was the last straw. Only after he died, their two sons finally came and started bringing their own families to that beautiful place.
1
@Zejee And, some people drive away family and friends because they are lonely. And can't bear it.
Thank you for raising awareness of this problem. Among the many factors behind increasing loneliness and isolation, significant research has revealed the detrimental effects of addiction to social media-cell phones which hinder forming authentic human relationships needed to develop friendships and navigate life. It is no coincidence that since the advent of the smart phone we've seen a significant increase in depression and anxiety. We have become so "connected" that we are increasingly "disconnected"; our phones have become like an artificial limb, an unhealthy source of dependency. This is just one facet of this broader issue. I think the increase in incivility is abetted by social media, consider our president's use of Twitter as case in point.
8
What if the danger to our wellbeing isn't so much loneliness as it is the profound disenchantment with all human relations that bedevils those who, for whatever reason, have been left flat by their closest friends and loved ones? The truth is, most of us will experience the same depressing reality one day - and the very individuals we've written off over our lives for one way or another becoming too much of a burden, will be sure to haunt us, and properly so, when the hurt they suffered over our indifference is indistinguishable from our own.
7
If ever a comment is food for thought it is this one
@Leigh - wow! I hear you. It all comes back: so, in a strange way, it is wise, tho perhaps self-serving, to acknowledge that karma is real and inescapable. To 'think good thoughts and do good deeds" is not a choice but a necessity ... even as we cannot fix the world, we can strive to be kind and considerate. But then you already know that. Take care.
I've never minded being alone, and in fact I welcome solitude. Perhaps I'm an aberration.
FWIW I'm 71 years old, have recently had a heart attack, and am blessed with a loving family and a handful of close friends. But I feel no need to be in constant contact with any of them.
I'm with the poet Alexander Pope on this:
"Thus let me live, unseen, unknown;
Thus unlamented let me die;
Steal from the world, and not a stone
Tell where I lie."
3
@VN It's one thing to choose not to be in 'constant contact' with loving family and close friends. It's entirely different when you don't have a loving family or close friends. You're independent with backup. Those without loving family and close friends are often lonely. There's a difference.
39
People in big families tend not to have this problem, and people who are active in faith communities tend not to have this problem. Loneliness is a common issue for those isolated from families, and those who live lives where communal experience of God is not part of the core. (Yes, yes, of course there are exceptions).
1
I had a job where I was useful to and knew over 500 individuals. Then one day without any warning laid off.
It taught me I worked too much and socialized too little outside of work. We all need a 3 day weekend with a Thursday night meet up.
35
Church can be a loving answer to loneliness. My progressive church is a bright spot for folks who need friends, social life, shared service to the community, a garden to tend, a choir to sing in, a place to belong, where people are happy to see one another.
3
@Beverly Brewster I too was a long time church goer. For many reasons I no longer belong to any organized church. I offered plenty to my church. As this pertains to the discussion at hand, I began to feel lonely among other church goers because, among other things, I got tired of being asked, in a disrespectful and indicting manner "When are you getting married?" I remain a bachelor because the woman I wanted to marry didn't want to marry me. I believe in marriage and family just as much as those who punched me in the face with that hurtful rhetorical question. To religious people, however, the definition of family values is if you don't have a family of your own, then your life has no value. A truly lonely place to be.
29
@Edward -- I am very sorry about all those unkind questions. Please consider that not all churches and religious people think that way. At my church, we don't place any extra value on people who are married and/or have children. All are beloved. Which doesn't mean nobody ever asks thoughtless questions or makes hurtful remarks; sadly, that's people everywhere.
1
Yet another thoughtful and important column by Mr. Kristof. As an older retired person, loneliness is a battle I do indeed fight. Thank God for my wife and my best friend in the whole wide world, my Boxer dog rescue, Astraea, Goddess of Innocence.
I tried Facebook for a couple of years, but absolutely hated it. It was so much about, "look at me and what a fabulous, exciting person I am with such an expansive social life," while the person who just posted something sat at home sulking, a big fat zit on his face, having just been laid off, divorced and wondering whether life is worth living. Social media has destroyed our society and has harmed scores of people, the worst victims being the young.
So I muddle through, help my aged Mom and try to provide the very best life for her possible in her final days, I take photos, I marvel in nature as much as possible and find peace and comfort there I find nowhere else. I try to be a good person, I hold open doors for people, try to have a kind word for everyone and show interest in others, but find I am most often rebuffed.
The angst and horror I feel inside because of Trump and the state of this country I once loved I keep mostly inside and only share with those I am certain are like minded. The 40% of people who idolize Trump scare me to death. I wonder where I am living.
So here I am writing a comment late at night, hoping someone can relate and recommend what I have to say so I can feel less alone!
254
You can connect with people who feel the same way you do thru FB. I don’t like it but I keep in touch with many people, old high school friends, former colleagues and neighbors, acquaintances.
I too struggle not to be too pessimistic about this country. Connecting with like minded people helps.
3
Dear Rich D,
Thank you for your comments on this!
I found them most insightful and I think you should know that many, many people have the same thoughts as you so in that you are not alone. I also reach out to people everyday and I thrive when I get a warm response back. Most often I do. When I don't I try to think about what that person is going through in their life to make them respond in an perhaps ill-mannered way. Then I smile at the next person I meet and the next. By now I have an impressing collection of people who have smiled back warmly at me!
We must never give up! Never! And also I am immensely thankful for all the smiles I am able to give to people, since they don't always have one to give themselves, they can have one of mine.
Please give Astraea a kind pet behind her from me and keep writing down your thoughts as they might help someone else someday! All the best to you from Sweden.
49
Well said, from the heart.
12
I got divorced and lost my teenage kids. What a shock to suddenly be alone. There are those times when I have something funny I want to share with my kids, or a lesson to teach. I find myself telling myself jokes, and laughing and thinking how odd it is, and a bit tinged with sadness. But as a naturally quiet person, I seem to manage ok most of the time, and take a Buddhist view of accepting the inevitable changes.
14
All is not lost! I live in a city neighborhood of 100 year old houses with front porches, dog walkers, runners, kids in strollers with their mothers, young people, old people. Neighbors drop by to chat. In the summer the large porches become people's living spaces. We throw dinner parties on ours. Loneliness is rare. What an antidote to the sterility of suburban subdivisions. And I must add my objection to your cat comments. I can't imagine our loneliness if we were forbidden having our cats. I'm glad of your honesty that the data is shaky. (I love dogs too.)
20
Sometimes people are more of a problem than they are worth.
Jealousy and poor self image create feelings of animosity in some towards others who they perceive as lucky in some way.
It affected me in my career and life afterwards, but fortunately I'm married to a very attractive girl I met in 1972. My children are bright and also very attractive. I have a few friends outside of that. Others come and go, the reason was always jealousy.
Loneliness is a condition often caused by caution. You're right it can be harmful and material things don't make up the difference!
5
@Texan hahaha! "Sometimes people are more of a problem than they're worth". That is a stand alone comment!
Not sure how it relates to loneliness...but a very good observation.
1
Early in our marriage my wife & I got a couple medium sized outdoor type dogs. From time to time my wife felt I was overly indulgent with the canines and let me know it.
Years later after the dogs passing, we adopted a neighboring cat who showed up at the back door in a rare sub zero winter spell. This time it's different. The cat is jealous of my wife.
7
Dr. Murthy may not have known that so many of the patients he would see as an internist would be struggling with loneliness but at least, if he was paying attention at all to the patients primary care docs see, he would have known that they see a significant number of patients who don't have diabetes, heart disease, or cancer or at least not only these but also mental disorders which are very associated with social isolation. We know that most people with mental disorders never are seen by a psychiatrists because of the severe shortage of them.
2
Kudos, Mr. K, for taking on such a huge and growing problem that many, if they acknowledge it all, view it as a personal weakness. Loneliness is today what depression was 20 years ago, but there will be no pill (or money to make).
Sadly, modern life is is built around the self, and makes other people unnecessary in our idealized personal lives. It denies our humanness. Individualism, self-sufficiency, independence, personal responsibility -- all these deny the need for other people. But, man is a social animal. Our species would not have survived otherwise.
Too much in our culture makes it worse: our political environment, which has us fearing our next door neighbors and denies any responsibility to anyone else; our wealth-obsessed culture, which makes us selfish and objectify others; our youth obsession, which dismisses anyone over 45 as economically obsolete and socially undesirable; our technology obsession, which denies the need for, or value of, human beings. Income inequality created a class that looks on fellow Americans as mere tools in the macine of wealth production. Trump is the ultimate personification of a selfishness that denies the value of other human beings.
We can only begin to tackle this growing problem (besides getting rid of Trump) by bringing it out into the open, de-stigmatize it, and show it for the social problem it is, not a personal failing.
Please give us more. Survival of our society depends on it.
26
As a psychotherapist, specializing in men’s issues, I’ve seen so many lonely men, who put on a brave face at the office, and in public places. But deep inside they are hurting for companionship and connection. What do we do with these humans as suicide rates soar and other self destructive behavior
escalates?
30
@Wayne Johnson PhD - Clearly the Buddha nailed it: life is suffering and our primary goal must be liberation from the ever-turning wheel. Method plus application ... plus hope and diligence. Never easy, never consistent ... all a mystery. I have spent my 77 years in active pursuit of one essential element: beauty. It is what sustained me through five years in a cage in my youth and appears to be a universally redeeming path.
I need not remind you, Dr. Johnson: purify, every single day! For you cannot give what you do not have.
1
@Wayne Johnson PhD
Then how do you explain my comment above about men obviously longing for companionship (since they are on Match.com) who rarely think to ask me about myself during extended online conversations? I'd like to know. Are men more self-centered than women? Anecdotally, of course, I have found this to be the case but would appreciate a professional opinion.
2
The Silver Line Help Line, in the UK, has been around for years. No one paid much attention. They offer a 24 hour phone help line to people who are either alone, lonely or (as is often the case) both. Establishing a Minister of Loneliness is a uniquely British response. And hopefully will result in attention paid to and comfort given to those who are lonely. Loneliness can indeed be a killer.
8
Great topic. I belong to two churches. I'm not actually into God to the degree this implies. I'm into volunteering. Both churches provide opportunities for me to help the homeless, visit shut-ins, help kids, help out with landscaping, etc. I a retired senior with a lot of hours to fill.
Even when people are pushed into groups, riding the bus, for example, only rarely (Or if it's a holiday) does anyone dare to strike up a conversation. Everyone rides in silence, scrolling down the i-phone or staring into space.
Your cursory glance a Facebook was misleading. All of my friends talk about issues like depression and share uplifting posts the purpose of which is to address the cold world we live in. Sure, good times are shared too and some people only share their good times but almost every one of my friends enjoys lifting each other up. I do get lonely and for me, Facebook is a good antidote.
5
I feel a fundamental problem rooted in loneliness is a sense alienation (and isolation). People struggle to feel connected, to feel seen, to know they are valued. Of course, each of us can surmount these obstacles, if we understand seeing, hearing, and connecting with others and letting them know they are valued--also works in our favor.
3
Thank you, Mr. Kristof, for highlighting the problems of loneliness. This is a public health and social crisis but has not been given the attention it deserves - except in Britain.
4
I feel a fundamental problem rooted in loneliness is a sense alienation (and isolation). People struggle to feel connected, to feel seen, to know they are valued. Of course, each of us can surmount these if we understand seeing, hearing, and connecting with others and letting them know they are valued--also works in our favor.
Having Asperger's (officially folded into the rubric of "autism spectrum disorder") is often a cause of great loneliness. Aspies can't read social cues and therefore lack the social skills of ordinary people. (We call them "neurotypicals.") Thus they often experience extreme social rejection.
I'm not talking here about people who act out or are purposely rude or abrasive. I'm talking about Aspies who are functioning adults but who come across as a little odd. As an Aspie, I was once told I was "hard to relate to", even though I have many interesting topics to talk about.
Society needs to become much more accepting of neurodiversity.
61
@Pam Shira Fleetman Yes. There are a lot of different types of loneliness. Often people think loneliness only affects older people; people who have had a spouse die or a child who is distant (physically and emotionally), or people who have lost their social/friendship/ relationships. But people can also experience loneliness simply because they don't conform...or don't respond to the norm. Loneliness, regardless of the reason, can be devastating.
14
I feel a fundamental problem rooted in loneliness is a sense alienation (and isolation). People struggle to feel connected, to feel seen, to know they are valued. Of course, each of us can surmount these if we understand they can be learned: seeing, hearing, and connecting with others and letting them know they are valued--also works in our favor.
1
If you live in a city or inner suburb, there are many opportunities to engage with others. But one has to be willing and able to make the attempt. For some who are suffering from depression, it’s hard even to get out of the house.
I live in a great neighborhood in Maryland just outside DC. One piece of advice I would give is not to move to a new place as an empty nester. It’s hard to make new friends when everyone else already has decades-long friendships. And my other advice to everyone is to be a good neighbor. In the past I have brought food to new mothers and the bereaved, let other people’s locked out kids hang out at our house until parents got home, bought cookies from Girl Scouts. So did everyone else in the neighborhood.
6
I am 75 and I live alone and I like it very much. At times I wouldn't mind company but a number of close friends have passed. The men I meet and not often seem to think that I should laud it over them. But no chance, it's a turnoff. I wouldn't mind a woman friend either but that hasn't materialized.
That wasn't always the case to be sure, I used to fear being alone. I have been in therapy for over thirty years; my psychiatrist died about seven years ago. Therapy and learning and developing oneself can make a person enjoy living alone.
I have my inner life which is wonderful, I still do some business; am working on a book, workout everyday and eat healthy which I love.
So I hope I can keep,on being independent, if not I will,figure something out.
23
@Ellen I agree, Ellen. I made a sign for my kitchen:
Whatever happens, you'll figure it out.
It's your superpower.
That, and attracting stray cats.
2
Well played, Ellen.
1
@Ellen Good luck. Loneliness is something most of us, at some point, experience. And many of us would be embarrassed or ashamed to admit we feel lonely. More power to you for beating the odds.
This is an important topic to be addressed by communities all over America. Our dependence on cars and city sprawl are two major contributors to older citizens or those with limited incomes. Mass transportation needs to be upgraded and housing closer to community centers should be provided at low cost.
But everyone is protecting their wealth so they won’t suffer the consequences of poverty. We are all poorer when we only think in terms of our own survival. This is where loneliness is born.
7
Nicholas! I both deal with this and am trying to be part of the solution. I am 70 years old Live in a little house in a beautiful area in the NE part of the San Fernando Valley. I have friends nearby. I have a daughter who travels a lot and relatives on the E coast. I teach yoga/ meditation classes @ Assisted Living facilities as well as leading Reiki healing circles. I am both heartened and dismayed by the response I get from my students/ clients. Often my classes feel like they turn into therapy sessions... yet it’s clear to me that basic move my and meditation help to relieve stress, anxiety and depression. I’d love to get $$ to do a study on this. Reiki healing circles ( I both lead and participate in these) bring people together in a profound way. I am trying to institute Meditation sessions for staff in ALF... they need this connection and grounding too. And finally for myself and others I see intentional, inter generational communities as a movement to address loneliness, community and shared sustainable living. Would love to read your thoughts.
1
@Lee R. Although I'm not Mr. Kristof, please allow me to reply. Clearly you are not among the lonely. You have friends, a daughter, and are teaching 'self care' techniques to residents in ALFs. You seem to see yourself as a 'healer', a confidant, and one would love to parlay these attributes into a financial opportunity . Cashing in on the loneliness of others may be an easier solution than dealing with your own loneliness.
The roots of loneliness lie in West's individualism that separates the child from the nursing mother early in life. Likewise, the child is raised with the language that narrows down the horizons of humanity to lonely "me," "my" and "my car;" the child grows up hearing "you obey us because you live under our roof," and is encouraged to leave the parents after 18; among others. When life and humanity are solely viewed from the self's perspective alone, life becomes miserable. Loneliness is one of its symptoms.
3
@Paradesh - Mesoamerican spirituality in its early shamanistic form began with a bacic 'god,' the sun. By the time the Aztec drove up out of the northern deserts two thousands years later, there were over 200 deities, plus countess ancestors and spirit guides for the people to turn to for directions and support.
In short, we make up myths to obscure our isolation. Thus we are very vulnerable to illusions and deception. Case in point: Trump ... something we would normally remove from our shoe immediately if we stepped in it.
1
I fear for the next generation. I have two teens who feel lonely, something my husband and I did not experience at their age. Hours of homework at night and on weekends, a teen culture that promotes conformity and success through social media (it is a tough time to be a teen who marches to the beat of his/her own drum), lunch rooms and recess periods where teens are sitting next to each on their phones and do not speak or look at one another, get togethers where the primary objective is to make cool group selfies for insta or VSCO, forced volunteering for resume building for colleges... I could go on. Genuine, meaningful interactions are rare, leading to feelings of isolation. One my teens recently observed that “I don’t think any of my classmates truly know me”. I keep telling them that it will get better in their 20’s when people know themselves better, have more established interests and kindred spirits can meet, but I am not sure of this myself.
30
@LSG my daughter experienced the same thing in high school. Most of her “friends” were self absorbed and just wanted someone who would listen to them. They rarely showed interest in truly getting to know her. Thank goodness she has found amazing friends in college with whom she shares common interests and can have deep meaningful conversations.
Part of this may be that she moved from the Midwest to just outside NYC for college. (Luckily I had the good sense to follow her lead.) I’m also sure that a large part of it is that she is studying the arts- film and photography- and so is excited to have friends who share her passions. I hope your children also have the good fortune to meet true friends in college. If they follow their passions and share them with others it will surely help.
6
Does Mr. Kristof really think Trump is going to appoint a person to run a loneliness department? Trump doesn't even do what he should be doing right now in the cabinets.
5
Trying to date at 66 on Match for a few months now, but conversations with men make me fell even lonelier than I was before I began. I have had many email exchanges with fellows, and not one of them has asked me a question about my life—long strings of emails without a question mark in sight. They seem to prefer the "display" strategy. This is who I am, they seem to say, and all I want to know about you is that you're a woman. Obviously, they can tell that from my picture, so who cares what my life is like? I get pretty demoralized, and I end up pointing their lack of interest in who I am. It becomes more gratifying to say "I'm outta here" to these self-involved geezers than to stick it out just to see when they'll notice they don't know anything about me. I fully expect to die alone; I just hope I can reconcile myself to that and not get too bitter and cranky. I have a cat, and he doesn't help at all.
33
@Barb Crook I've found a strategy that works for me when online "dating". After one exchange of messages I ask "let me know what you like in my profile". The reply reveals if the person cares to know who I am, or has even read my profile. Good luck.
1
Loneliness is nothing new - the Beatles wrote 'look at all the lonely people, where do they all belong ..' in the supposedly spiritually endowed 1960s,
but the true modern culprit is the iPhone
- every where you go, everyone is on their phone - i even saw couples holding hands, with other hand intently holding up a phone
- phones in your face, pods in your ears
No one talks to anyone anymore. Conversation will fade away, and Civilization as we know with it.
10
Loneliness, not to be confused by being alone, is indeed a killer if long-term. After all, we are social animals, unable to survive, let alone thrive, by ourselves. There is a feeling of being detached from others, and leads to tiredness for lack of food and sleep, and just a certain interest in life; it is this obliviousness that leads us deny ourselves another chance, seek help, or re-establish lost connections from neglect. Clear as mud, right? But only if you never experienced this phenomenon. So, get your spirits up, it's worth it.
4
I worry about the stigmatization of those of us who live happily alone-by choice-with our beloved cats.
28
@Anonymous I wouldn't worry at all! You're lucky! Ignore those who may try to stigmatize you.
1
So true! The problem of loneliness started with breaking up of families and social institutions, and now it has become an epidemic because of technology. There are myriad of reasons for millions of having no anchor. Divorce, lack of value system, individualism gone amuck, and modern gadgets that don't require human interaction, among many.
No one talks about what will happen to the young generation that doesn't get married and who will have no families in the old age, divorced men and women, and people who are too busy in their isolation now.
The root cause of it all is selfishness and erosion of value system. Having family, friends, and loved ones, even neighbors you care about require a sense of compassion and loyalty. Being a social animal is in our genes, and being lonely is unnatural. Living alone constantly is loneliness, don't deceive yourself.
9
Nicholas Kristof has struck a major nerve, bringing forcibly to our
attention why drugs and even suicide has any appeal. I like to hike, and when I'm on the trail I find kindred souls who often stop and talk about why they're hiking, what they've found and how glad they are to be there. Hiking alone is not bowling alone,
you're not proving anything to anybody. All it takes is a good pair of shoes, a beautiful place to walk through and the willingness to lower your shield and engage your fellow human. Yes, I'm an introvert and a cat lover too...
5
@Down62 @Nicholas Kristof: Concur w/ Down62 however long before Marx Aristotle in Politics stressed the importance of a robust, majority of the citizenry to be Middle Class. Not only does it sustain Democracy but provides the most stable, healthy well being of the Common.
It’s unfortunate but not surprising our often exalted Founding Father’s (to mythological Heights) adopted more of Plato’s Republic ie distrust of the average person and preference for an aristocracy.
Most, wealthy men who built their fortunes on the blacks of Slaves: which of course we all know. But until we (other than select academics vs general education) have a true reckoning with how our Constitution’s architecture that reflects the above Plato noted bias, we will never truly be an emancipated egalitarian people.
It appears we have waited too long as economic Inequality has exacerbated to observe levels and the elite are (have been) curtailing democratic rights just as Aristotle warned
see Shelby vs Holder unleashed a host of disenfranchisement; and Gerrymandering.
And since 2020 is not looking that promising ...well, I will leave it to the readers as to Aristotle’s final step, transformation...
See Aristotle’s Politics
2
Great piece to address another problem of modern life in the United States (a particularly individualistic society). I take the evolutionary template: our biochemistry, physiology, and psychology are still rooted in our hunter-gatherer ancestry. So, for example, just like we did not evolve to consume highly-processed, industrial foods, which wreak havoc on our metabolism; we did not evolve to be individualistic. We are built to be in a tribe, thus at the very least, building and enhancing community are a desiderata for health, happiness, and longevity.
13
I have lived on the Dead End of Vallejo St. on the top of Telegraph Hill for over 40 years. I do my best to engage my neighbors in conversation. When someone new moves in there is an offer of dinner and wine. Those that accept immediately recognize my offer of community. Many are young tech kids and I tease them that I’m grateful that they are here because in my working years many people did not like lawyers of which I am one. Now people don’t like the tech kids and I am grateful that they have taken the pressure off of my brethren. I’m also the wine guy, lots of wine to keep the conversation lubricated. My niece lives three blocks from me and is a data analyst, whatever that is. She brings her friends over to hangout. I have a running joke with my dear friend of 60 years Joel, a prominent NYC psychiatrist. He treats the elderly for anxiety and depression which is brought on by isolation. Joel, I say, I’ve been social 12 of the last 14 days, can I get a note from you suggesting that I stay home more frequently. He laughs and so far I have not gotten the note. I make a concerted effort to engage in my community. Yes I am outgoing and social but I make the effort in spite of being private. Time to go, it’s Saturday night and one of my techie friends has invited me to dinner.
17
Ameliorating loneliness and its harmful effects will be much more difficult in Exceptional America than in other places. Our "rugged individualism" entirely devalues adult friendship and community-- except as something to exploit for "networking," to advance business or career. It also makes one's spouse or romantic partner one's entire social support network. People without such a relationship are out of luck.
Fear has been America's defining characteristic for at least a century. Our Leaders-- from Palmer through Joe McCarthy and George W. Bush-- have inculcated and exploited Fear to empower and enrich themselves. We wage Forever Wars on external enemies posing existential threats (Anarchists, Communists, Terrorists, and dark-skinned immigrants); but internal enemies (Drugs and pervasive Crime) are the much greater threat.
So we are Fearful of strangers, especially if they look different from us. We keep the doors locked, and regard people we meet as threats rather than potential friends. And the genuine threat of devastation from losing a job, or the need to work multiple jobs to survive, keeps many us too busy for social activities.
Our medical-industrial complex precludes doctors from helping lonely patients. But loneliness could become an item on a "wellness" checklist that lets employers charge lonely employees more for health care.
Social connectedness is just another need that a capitalist Marketplace provides as an inequitably-distributed privilege.
12
Mr. Kristof -- I'd like to recommend a chapter in a book called Suicide, the Forever Decision, which is a free pdf online (a long time ago, I paid money for it). It's chapter 7, "Loneliness." Quinnett talks about suicide and its prevention from many angles, in warm, conversational style. You have to like a book that has this sentence: "And if loneliness in enemy number one, friendship is the FBI."
3
My two cats, Charlie and Maggie, have brought unexpected joy into my life. They are both elders now, 15 and 13, and I think back with much thankfulness on the day each came to live with me, and how each one in his and her own way brought an extra spark into my everyday existence.
I don't need a study to confirm that.
14
We can’t afford a secretary for loneliness. We sent all our money to the billionaire class.
33
I love my family and friends but I'm never happier than when I'm alone, especially off solo hiking somewhere far from other people for days on end. Yes, it's been shown that loneliness is a serious health problem for many people. But, the opposite can also be a problem--the problem of not being allowed to be alone for extended periods of time if that's what you want to be. People seem to think there's something wrong if you are alone and that you need to be fixed or cheered up. I've had many people thunderstruck that I hike solo; that I don't want to 'celebrate' my birthday, anniversaries, etc. with other people (the best celebration is a day off hiking by myself); that I like to just sit quietly by myself and read or sew or write for hours or days on end. Although there have been many studies of the problems associated with loneliness, have there also been studies of the problem of lack of alone-ness? Probably, each person has a certain balance that is optimal for that person. Society pushing people to NOT be alone can be a problem, too. We do need to reach out to people who are suffering from loneliness, while also respecting that many people prefer alone-time and that's okay.
32
Loneliness and being alone are two very different concepts.
24
@Eva Morse Yes they are. Absolutely! But, the pressure society can put on people who like to be alone is something that can also be problematic and perhaps in need of some study, too. Two different things, but both worth considering.
4
I too often feel most comfortable when on the odd day I get to spend the majority of it alone. I have found that since the widespread use of Facebook that I’m expected to respond to people’s messages quickly or I’ll be seen as ignoring them. Usually if I don’t respond to a text within a couple hours I’ll get the “are you ok?” I feel as though I haven’t had a genuine alone day since the early 2000’s
4
I love being alone. I was one of five children, then married for 20 years while raising two children. I think I got filled up,with togetherness. I really like people. But I’m a natural introvert. Being in large social groups exhausts me to the point I sometimes get sick afterwards. I often feel badly for people who, for whatever reason, don’t enjoy being alone; life must be much harder that way. I think this research and these various interventions are a good idea since the data seems clear that loneliness is a significant problem.
17
Where I live there are groups that meet for specific activities that I see online. The hard part for me is to get past the inertia of actually going to where the group meets. It would be helpful if these groups had a person one could contact about joining so that they could nudge me into showing up.
6
I think a certain amount of loneliness is part of the human condition. The best antidote is get outside yourself and help another. Living alone is not the same as being lonely, but a support system is a wonderful thing to develop. As long as I have mobility, and can drive, there are many options.
6
Today I was in the grocery store. A woman I'd never seen before came up to me with a big smile, as if she were meeting an old friend. She proudly declared that she had been hitting the yard sales, looking for a warm coat, "and I found this today for a buck and a half!" as she showed it off.
I told her, "Good for you!" and walked away smiling. I'm sure many people would have felt embarrassed for her, or awkward, or perhaps even afraid.
Maybe we've lost the ability to have these simple exchanges. Many of us live in fear - what does this person want? Is she going to ask me for money? Is she mentally ill?
I love the part where Jesus tells us to "become like little children." The woman who spoke to me did so in a childlike manner, and it was delightful. No fear of judgment or embarrassment - just one human being reaching out to another.
I do hope we haven't lost that.
76
@TLMischler This woman in the grocery store could obviously sense a kind soul. You are a good human, sir.
3
Since Bloomberg is running for president lets talk about how he , his developers turned neighborhoods in NYC into high rise elite apartments. Lets talk about how old people who had a common place to go to see their friends for over 50 years were uprooted to make way for younger, whiter residents. Lets talk about the neighborhood coffee shop that is gone.
Politicians create the problem of loneliness, big business decides to shut down plants and destroy rural communities, people are easiler replaced by the white CEO's who live in million dollar high rises.
Regular people need to take care of their family members because their is no more community and we have only elites to blame for that. Loneliness, if you were running 24 hours a day and nothing you do makes anything better. Medicine that can help our community are to expensive to purchase, we dont have time for our children and go to bed exhausted.
Wonder why normal people are tired, why people feel suicidal maybe because there is nothing to look forward to except another day of injustice, hatred and struggling.
We have lost the ability to communicate in a meaningful way, we are to self absorbed with our own misery so why brother caring about anything.
The entire world is isolated , lonely with no end in sight. Writing about it will not stop anyone from taking their own life ,life is hard but society has ensured that we are nothing but hamsters running round and round in a cage going nowhere fast.
20
Ever wonder how this country got built? Out in the prairie, on the cowboy trails, building a farmstead waiting for that mail order bride. Exploring new frontiers, crossing the Rockies, reaching the Pacific. Alaska!
And today, its internet, work from home; Online sales in, shopping malls out! Even sex, with real or AI partners miles away. We share table - diner, dinner, coffeeshop - but our eyes are glued to our phones, WApping, instagramming.
Whats the difference!
Do we go back to how we started and built, or take this friendly benches approach?
It surprised me that Mr.Kristof did not much bring in family, not sure if the word is even mentioned here in a meaningful way.
Because I would suggest that first step ought to be family.
We have plenty of time. Lets get the family things sorted out. That means, discourage single motherhood, speak about responsibilities and right things. Bring about tax policies that encourage larger families.
Loneliness is not a Western disease (its a disease). We can learn from other societies. And we really do not need to baby all. People are strong and will become strong.
After all, its my premise, mostly lonely people built this country.
3
@ParagAdalja The best way to "discourage single motherhood" is to persuade all males not to have sexual intercourse with any woman unless 1) she has made it very clear that she wishes to have a baby with him and 2) he has the resources to help her raise any resulting child/children (in the case of twins or triplets) to age 18.
How do you suggest we accomplish that?
2
Let me make a plug for Osher (not Osha!). There are around 150 Osher Lifelong Learning Institutes across the U.S., affiliated with local universities. Members 50 to 90+ take and teach college-level classes from each other, and often audit classes at the affiliated universities with the undergrads. Best thing I have ever joined. I teach poetry and take classes with the undergrads, while also taking courses in science, philosophy, literature, etc. This is what academia was always supposed to be about but isn't--people learning for the sake of learning. And what a social group, centered on the best things in life. Find out if there is one near you.
10
Although socializing would seem to be a logical antidote for loneliness, it can be a Catch-22 for those of us with a quiet, serious personality. We force ourselves to go to a gathering and try to interact, but having poor social skills we inevitably end up on the sidelines alone, feeling self-conscious and awkward. After countless such experiences, we find that just staying home is less painful. There, we have distractions such as TV and Internet surfing. Gratitude for the good things in our life also helps.
59
When you do go out, you may be told to sit off in a corner, or to move, because a group wants to sit.
If you want to travel, there are single supplements to pay. Some theaters won’t sell individual seats.
Waitpersons give priority to tables with more than one person. Maybe you don’t want to walk or drive at night, or drive long distances by yourself.
4
Maybe you are richer in energy to provide excuses to yourself rather than acting on solutions and defending your individual rights when patronizing public spaces ( pun intended ). Stand up, walk in, sit down, get a ride - insist on living your life or you will sink into your sofa.
Thank you for addressing such a relevant topic. A closer examination of Facebook would reveal a fair number of unhappy, sometimes angry and argumentative, people who seem to spend hours on there. Facebook, to me, seems to be a very lonely place that I try to avoid except as necessary for work.
Instagram is a more positive, fun experience - one where I've made friends from all over the world, some of whom I've met in person and others to whom I speak by phone or WhatsApp. There is a very caring, supportive community of people whose cats have IG pages. They help each other out with veterinary bills and console those whose dogs and cats have passed away. Having lost three dogs and two cats in less than four years (a beloved dog just a month ago from cancer), I am grateful for the love and emotional support I have received.
As the president of a national animal protection nonprofit, it has been my experience that cats can be amazing companions. Those that are friendly and more doglike are just as supportive and comforting emotionally as dogs, to both humans and dogs alike.
I also think where you live matters in terms of the ease with which one makes friends. As a native Californian who has lived and/or worked in every region of the country, I find the Boston area, where I have been 13 years, to be the least friendly place. People often ask me if I am from California because I smile and engage others in conversation. Every time I am in SoCal, I make new friends.
13
Never underestimate the value of good neighbors. One of mine decided one day to set up chairs in front of her home and sit down with a bottle of wine and some glasses. She flagged down neighbors who passed by, and soon we had a happy hour tradition. In my old neighborhood a neighbor tried the same thing starting with opening his garage door, setting up chairs and sitting down with bottles of beer to share. Granted, it's more of a summer activity, but trust me, the friendships formed carry through the other seasons as well.
10
My son started college this year, and upon joining the Facebook site for parents I was shocked to read the number of posts from parents lamenting about how sad and lonely and isolated their newly launched teenagers were feeling. My son was and is as happy as a kid in a toy store - he saw it as an opportunity to meet new friends, share old and new interests, explore new ideas. Some of these kids, however, seem unable to grasp the concept of meeting people in real life - for goodness sake, you're living in a dorm on a campus of 22,000 students, have multiple clubs and organizations begging you to join, and you're too scared to say "hi" to the people living around you, in exactly the same new surroundings? And your parents are so worried about your well-being that they have to send you a "care package" the first week of school even though there are gourmet-quality dining halls downstairs?
There are a lot of different causes in play, obviously - helicopter parenting, the cult of choosing the "perfect" college and "perfect" major before you finish high school, the pressure of and reliance upon social media instead of making friends in real life - but the extent of the problem is frightening. I had some of the best times of my life in college, and encouraged our son to look forward to the same. It's incredibly sad to see so many teenagers feeling like failures in life simply because of a low grade or not 100% loving their school/major/living community.
3
Mr. Kristof,
Rather than focusing on the wonderful things mentioned -- gardening, pets, communal activities etc -- what about taking a whack at the core of the problem?
Consider the following truths:
1) We have outsourced raising future generations of our species to the poor and disadvantaged.
2) There is no more effective catalyst to academic achievement and upward mobility, than children receiving the gifts of one or more mentors.
3) Being genuinely needed and loved by a child is the absolute best, heart-melting antidote for loneliness and depression
So, the silver bullet -- A Marshall Plan-level effort. Help youths and adults identify their best gifts, and match them up with children, who thirst for those very gifts.
The results will change the World.
8
I am very lonely. My spouse died suddenly not long ago. I have friends but the relationships are superficial because no one seems to want to talk about the nitty-gritty of life. Writing to the NYTimes occasionally brings me some comfort; I reach out to others with my opinions and insights and enjoy those of others. I keep up with the news at home and around the world. I have hobbies but it’s often a struggle to get going. Fortunately I have a dog who gets me out for walks though we could do more. Loneliness is painful. It feels like a physical pain sometimes. My therapist is helping me become aware of how the emotional pain translates to my physical body...aches, stiffness, etc. I get manicures and pedicures for touch and relaxation and am thinking about getting massage therapy. Loneliness is the disease of our age. It goes hand and hand with the epidemic of depression. We no longer have our communities, our families are often far away or estranged and as someone else mentioned, we no longer sit on front porches. Nicholas, thank you for this column.
84
@Alone Alone, I'm so sorry that you're in such a dark place. It sounds like you are taking positive steps to work your way out.
Since you say you get out to go to therapy, salon, etc, would you be able to volunteer in your community? A commitment a couple of days a week would give you something to look forward to. And it would get you out with people who could become friends.
Also, in my area, there are groups devoted to philosophical chats that meet every week. Have you looked at the Meetup website? It is not for dating!! It is a way to find groups of folks with similar interests.
I wish you well, honey.
8
I can’t recommend Meetup enough. It got me out of a very lonely place after my divorce. Met lots of good people who became friends that way.
7
Best part of getting older is being alone. No kids, job, partner - total bliss. Too many conflate solitude with loneliness.
26
Just the other day, a friend, a middle-aged father and husband admitted to me he was feeling extremely lonely. I’ve heard the same from female friends who are wives and mothers. While these people are engaged and aren’t experiencing social isolation, they are experiencing a sense of disconnect-what they perceive as loneliness. Loneliness is something deeper than a lack of social engagement.
23
Deep loneliness is related to depression and while itoften can be helped by activities and pulling yourself up by your boot straps the remedies often must include reaching out to the suffering, social awareness and medications. We all feel lonely at times, but when it goes on and on and gets deeper it seems like a bottomless pit that you are incapable of breaking out of no matter what you do. If this is the loneliness that Mr. Kristof is talking about it often is beyond happy thoughts or doing a few excersizes. Perhaps we need to confront the problem of loneliness and social isolation at all levels.
2
Mr. Kristof,
Rather than focusing on the wonderful things mentioned -- gardening, pets, communal activities etc -- what about taking a whack at the core of the problem?
Consider the following truths:
1) We have outsourced raising future generations of our species to the poor and disadvantaged.
2) There is no more effective catalyst academic achievement and upward mobility, than children receiving the gifts of one or more mentors.
3) Being genuinely needed and loved by a child is the absolute best, heart-melting antidote for loneliness and depression
So, the silver bullet -- A Marshall Plan-level effort. Help youths and adults identify their best gifts, and match them up with children, who thirst for those very gifts.
The results will change the World.
2
sorry,I just don't buy it. I have lived alone
most of my life and I make all my doctors
appointments, take my meds on schedule
and enjoy going to bed and getting up when
I choose. like many other people, I suffer
from insomnia, but nap during the day.
solitude is what you make of it. if you
take care of yourself, go for walks daily
and stay as cal as you can (a few drinks
in moderation can help) you'll do just fine.
9
@Frank Everyone has different emotional needs. Solitude is what you make it, if that is your nature. Many, perhaps most, people find extended intervals of solitude to be unbearable.
Nothing in life is "one size fits all."
7
@Frank
Individual experience like yours can mean very little. It’s nice that you’re fine. Many are not.
5
One big concern. Some of us like being alone. I’d rather be dead than share my living space. I love solitude and never wanted to marry. I have excellent friends but I don’t want to spend time with people just to avoid being alone. Dinner with a good friend, or a good conversation, yes. Dinner at a community table? Probably not. Social worker in a doctor’s office? Intrusive.
Like many single people, I’m more afraid of ending up with a roommate than I am of dying.
Check out the Facebook group, Community of Single People. Not everyone sees the number 1 as lonely. Please don’t force anyone to give up their aloneness. Read the classic book Solitude by Anthony Storr. A bit dated now but makes many good points.
Those who learn to love their own company tend to attract more friends than they have time for. We’re drawn to contented people and are repelled by neediness.
I do agree that it’s hard to be lonely if you have a dog. We should enact laws supporting dog ownership. One can also volunteer to walk dogs for an animal shelter, or work as a dog walker, or help neighbors give their dogs an extra walk. Cats are also great companions, usually underestimated.
23
Animals are the answer for you, but I am so tired of animal lovers insisting that animals are the answer for everyone. Stop forcing your preferences and lifestyle on others. Some of us are allergic; some have to be at work all day; some prefer not to live with animals and aren’t looking for your solution to be theirs. We’re all aware of the option.
3
One big concern. Some of us like being alone. I’d rather be dead than share my living space. I love solitude and never wanted to marry. I have excellent friends but I don’t want to spend time with people just to avoid being alone. Dinner with a good friend, or a good conversation, yes. Dinner at a community table? Probably not. Social worker in a doctor’s office? Intrusive.
Like many single people, I’m more afraid of ending up with a roommate than I am of dying.
Check out the Facebook group, Community of Single People. Not everyone sees the number 1 as lonely. Please don’t force anyone to give up their aloneness. Read the classic book Solitude by Anthony Storr. A bit dated now but makes many good points.
Those who learn to love their own company tend to attract more friends than they have time for. We’re drawn to contented people and are repelled by neediness.
I do agree that it’s hard to be lonely if you have a dog. We should enact laws supporting dog ownership. One can also volunteer to walk dogs for an animal shelter, or work as a dog walker, or help neighbors give their dogs an extra walk. Cats are also great companions, usually underestimated.
4
Yes, loneliness feels like a crushing weight that could kill.
We know, have identified so many causes - fixation on work, capitalism, moving, internet, cultural/generational divides, suburbia, on and on. It is good to be talking about fixes. Maybe the trend away from cynicism will help. People, though, are difficult things, we ever were.
6
If we could tackle loneliness,” Barran said, “people would feel stronger, more resilient, more optimistic about the future.”
This seems like putting the cart before the horse. People who are strong, resilient and optimistic make good company and others will want to be around them.
In my experience, lonely people wandering around various social organizations or public spaces looking for company are prime targets to be recruited or otherwise victimized by criminals. If the person is going in with a bad mindset or low resilience they are likely to end up with far worse problems than loneliness.
I had no idea that life could be so lonely. At age 40, single, childless, over-educated and over-worked, I seem unable to make deep connections with people. I have lovely conversations with strangers, but I can't figure out how I ended up this way. I have tried seminars, taking classes, volunteering, and church - all which get me out of my home and engaging with other people, but no connections beyond those few hours. Most others attend with another person, yet I, the ever-alone and aging, drift in and out of spaces without so much of a notice. I joke that I have a superpower of invincibility, because laughter sure beats crying.
106
@RW. Invite someone over for dinner.
3
@RW I feel like you. How can people like us connect? I have been wondering if I could start an organization such as the Family for solo agers. I would like to help take care of a small group of people.
9
Thanks to massive income inequality, our "meritocratic" society where everyone has to constantly prove themselves, and the concomitant insecurity everyone feels about their place in society, being busy has become a status symbol and leisure is frowned on. The current pathological level of busyness and denigration of leisure time was adumbrated nearly 20 years ago in an article by David Brooks about Princeton undergrads, who reported having to make appointments just to see their friends. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2001/04/the-organization-kid/302164/
Well, the busy busy culture of Princeton 20 years ago has now overtaken the whole society, and we're paying dearly for it. A busy culture that denigrates leisure is absolutely toxic to deep human connection and a breeding ground for loneliness.
3
Got on a Metro North train in Manhattan a few weeks ago at the end of rush hour... The train was crowded and everyone was glued to their smartphones.
1
I often have patients who ask for pet companion letters for their landlords in the places they rent. At first I used to think this was nuts but wrote the letters anyway. Over the years I realized that dogs and cats are often the only social connection may people have. The pets give my patients a sense of purpose, helpsthem connect with their neighbors, gets them out of the house and gives them the opportunity for daily exercise. Now when I have a patient struggling with loneliness I often suggest a pet and let them I know how happy I am to write them a letter for their landlords, haha. It's one of many solutions in addressing loneliness
22
@Cascadia
Fantastic. And cheers.
6
Or, to make it more positive, an assistant deputy of social connection?
Loneliness is not the same as living alone, often by choice. It would be interesting to know if there is a correlation between feeling lonely and the number of books that these "lonely" people have at home, or that they have read in the past year.
Also, isn't "feeling lonely" often another way of saying "feeling bored" ?
Sorry but no - lonely is definitely not the same as bored.
4
Families drop off elders in hospitals around holidays, like pets in a kennel? This and other statistics associated with loneliness are horrifying.
What about causes? You know all those lonely people, the cast offs? How did they get to be that way? Were they young once? Did they foresee living and dying alone, cast off into the cold when they were unable to look after themselves? What were they doing when they had independence, energy, vigor, youth?
My first thought: what should I do now, or not do now, to avoid this horrifying fate of loneliness and die as a cast off?
Were all these lonely people, these cast offs - as this article implies - selfish and self-absorbed, and disconnected from others as a result of their own choices? Is there any generalizable information available in this regard?
Reading this article, I can see the urgent need to figure out what to do, when one is approaching the point when no one cares, and no one there to give care. I am thinking of civil ways of dying, taking control over that inevitable eventuality. It does seem, from this article, it is better to die the day before being cast off than dying a day before being dumped in the emergency room by dispassionate strangers.
Thank you for the article; I can say that it will trigger fresh new thinking about the eventuality that I don't think about.
3
Thanks for this topic. It hits home with me. I'm an only child and a childless widow. Next week I'll be 71. I have (I think) a lot of friends, but they all have families, and TBH I'm not a priority. I understand that. I'm busy and have a lot of activities that I do, but whenever I want to spend time to connect with someone, I have to arrange it, and for some, it can take two months before they have room in their schedule for a 1.5-hour lunch or breakfast. I enjoy my own company--it's not that...but I wish I really "mattered" to someone. When I die people will miss me for a little while, but not the way I still miss my husband after 15 years, or the way people miss their parents or children. I talk to my therapist about this, but there's really nothing to be done. It's the way things are today for many of us (as you point out). Bringing it up among even close friends (my lady friends from 2-4 decades who all have husbands, children, and/or grandchildren) is a deadly conversation-stopper.
111
@Sasha I chose a single life because freedom and independence were the most important to me. I did not want kids.
I am now ill with cancer. And yes, it's scary and hard to be sick and alone. But I loved my single life and I still do. I do not regret my choices.
Every lifestyle has advantages and disadvantages. And being married with kids is no guarantee there will be someone there to help when you are old.
You can perhaps try to meet other seniors who are alone and create a support network for each other.
13
@Sasha when you’re working for money, it’s easier to feel wanted. Look into it. Life coaches help with this better than therapists.
2
My two canine companions (Ronit and Orli, not pictured above) have saved my life. I am an only child with no living first-degree family and totally disinterested (and distant) second degree family.
I have more interaction with Ronit and Orli than I have with any other mammal or bird (neither of which do my dogs and I eat). I have acquaintances at Magnuson off-leash area who probably know (and care) more about me than anyone else. Friends are too busy with their children and grandchildren to give me (or anyone else) much attention but my two girls and I have time and love for us.
Making it easier for people to live with and care for dogs is a win for everyone.
7
I wonder how much our lack of social skills contributes to this. How many lonely people know how to strike up an interesting conversation? How many know how to be a good friend? I think a blunt conversation about learning and maintaining social skills is necessary. People might not even know that they are lonely, or they might know they are lonely but not what to do about it. I remember two lonely periods on my life. The first time I didn’t know that I should join some groups to make some friends (amazing, right, that I didn’t know that?! I wish someone, like a minister of loneliness, had told me), then the second time I joined groups but never connected with anyone (I solved that episode by moving to an area where I am a much better fit). I have also really worked on my social skills. My social skills needed work and now I believe they are sufficient enough to keep me in friends for a long time. But I don’t take them for granted. I need to remain a good friend, a good conversationalist and bold enough to keep making friends.
9
I think a huge problem is NARCISSISM. I know only a few people who truly show interest in other people, listening and asking questions of others, rather than primarily talking about themselves.
16
A note about cats, my cats both amuse me and keep me company. Hard to feel too lonely with a purring cat on your lap or have a fetching cat demanding I throw the Mousie over and over again.
18
Nicholas mentioned how the internet "has aggravated the problem" when one peruses Face Book or Instagram. It can indeed be deceptive and lead one to misinterpret the true meaning of that adage "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence." But there is another problem with the internet. On any given day one sees the adult, the teen, and the youngster on their electronic devices. And in many cases this obsession of sorts is not only a means to communicate digitally rather than personally, but it can also lead to the compulsion for on-line solitary games. There is another good point that was written. That is that in today's society our aged who are among the most vulnerable when it relates to dementia and chronic debilitating disease, are fast becoming the forgotten generation. Families and individuals of today are so wrapped up in their own issues and challenges, understandably so, that our senior citizens' social needs and dignity are either unintentionally or sadly deliberately overlooked. So yes, hopefully under a Democratic administration Health and Human Services can create a department to deal with loneliness and its companion depression. But we, too, have a responsibility to others, to be inclusive of all peoples of all ages.
5
Some of us are painfully introverted, so joining in with others, even for a fairly gentle activity, can drain energy we need to just be alive. The world is an over-stimulating place full of loud sounds, hyper speeds, over-powering odors and layers of patterns and movement. I have synesthesia, and my mind is constantly drawing pictures of sounds, smells and movement. Even when I'm dreaming my brain is doing this. I must choose to spend time with people in situations where I won't be so over-stimulated that the experience becomes unpleasant. Am I lonely? Of course. I live alone (albeit with three dogs), and I am unpartnered in a partners' world. I would love to spend time with someone important to me (and to whom I am just as important) but the tremendous effort it would take to meet someone and prove my worth to them is overwhelming and at my age, impossible.
13
So we've added yet another disease, as explained to us by our betters in the social sciences? It wasn't enough to medicalize boredom, anxiety, discontent, the urge to rebel and even euphoria?
How about this? Give over neo-liberalism, stop fighting the fight against inequality and embrace the norms which prevail in far happier places.
Then come back and ten years and we can take another look.
Most obviously, we cannot have any social interaction if we're all hoisting the 'go away!' flag every time we are in public/social situations when we immerse ourselves in our electronic devices. Imagine just how much sociability has been sacrificed upon the altar of technology, whether at restaurants, bars, waiting rooms, on the airplane---everywhere.
Technology is its own selfish, self-perpetuating aphrodisiac. Like eating macaroni and cheese alone, keeping 'others' at arms length, yet 'engaging' with them by technological proxy, allows at the conceit of believing we're not really lonely. A soft caress, a tender kiss, intimacy, has been replaced by the 'up-vote', the Twitter follower, the shared 'love' of a YouTube video. I'm connecting!, we kid ourselves. And when we face rejection---the down-vote, the echo-chamber disapproval we may encounter on a comment thread (from my own nytimes.com comment history, I can testify to this), we drop and run as if from a real-world lover, go through the grief stages, then bounce back somewhere else. A more suitable echo-chamber awaits; let me go there!
I cannot disparage our internet age enough, while at the same time I fully recognize its advantages. Just ask yourself: knowing my opinions as you may have read them in these pages, plus knowing, say, that I'm a smoker, or registered to a different political party, or of a different socioeconomic level, just how eager would you be to befriend me?
Exactly.
6
I'm reminded of the classic mob aphorism, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." As I age, I am mindful of the wisdom of this saying. In my own quest, I might reverse the order of friends and enemies but the preciousness of the resource of human friendship becomes more acutely apparent every passing day.
This is an important point because aging militates against the significant effort of sustaining positive human relationships. Turn enemies into friends. This worked for John Adams and John Adams. It can work for us, but only if we try. And we'll try only if we recognize the value of human contact and the steep price of losing it.
Facebook friends don't count, at least not for much.
1
I'm a clinical social worker, and my anecdotal evidence aligns with these findings. A government appointee to create programs to socialize people might work in blue areas of the country where many still believe the government can do good for the people, but in red areas it will only make the problem worse because their perception of reality far outweighs any measurable good instituted by government.
In Utah, for example, my motivational interviewing and counsel to socialize generally falls on deaf ears - deafened by intense ideological beliefs. I see parents isolate their children from community for fear of "the secularists". I see families exile their loved ones struggling with addiction. I see fathers who curiously sit silent without a word or a look up as news surfaces of their daughter's history of suffering sexual abuse. I see single mothers working two jobs without 5 minutes or money for a 30 minute coffee date. I behold tech workers so attached to their computers they can't even talk on the phone with a human. In Salt Lake City, the most social people might be the homeless, at least in cases in which they have not suffered enough trauma to make them distrust every individual the encounter.
The American experiment has swung radically in favor of individualism over community, and this is the result - worsened by intense capitalist exploitation. Emma Watson is being praised recently for defining the term "self-partnered". What lunacy is this...
33
4-H is doing some amazing work in this area under the radar.
People need to start going to church again, even if they don't believe in what the church teaches. Members of a congregation often fellowship with each other for generations, sharing in life's major events; births, deaths, graduations, weddings, etc. Perhaps after years of listening to sermons and Bible school lessons, Belief will eventually come, which would be the greatest benefit of all.
5
My parents grew up in a small city in upstate New York. As adults, they found jobs in greater Washington DC and lived there for decades. When I was a kid, growing up in the Maryland suburbs, they both told me repeatedly that in communities like the one they came from everybody is constantly trying to find out about everybody else's affairs so they can gossip about them; they both said they couldn't wait to move away. Funny thing: a few years after my father retired, they moved back to that small city in upstate New York.
9
I am living in Japan right now where loneliness is increasingly being seen as a major social problem. Japan is a wonderful country in many ways--clean, efficient, incredibly safe and still maintaining much of its natural beauty. But with modernization and urbanization the tight bonds of traditional society started dissolving leaving in their place isolated and sad individuals. The saddest are perhaps the young people known as "hikkikomori" (shut ins) but there are plenty of elderly people who feel alienated and alone. I love the proactive British approach that you describe and wish that it could be tried here and other places as well.
24
Let’s wage a war on capitalism instead, which atomizes us and relies on an ideology of absolutist individualism. The unfettered capitalism we live with now is incompatible with community, solidarity, and the rest of it. This is by design.
20
This is such an important article. Nearly eight years ago, I went from being a physician deeply involved in my community and the lives of many other people. Following an incident of dental malpractice, I became seriously demented. I couldn't leave the house because if would get lost after walking a couple of blocks. I couldn't even watch TV because I couldn't follow the story line. It was three years till I could begin to read again and five years till I could drive Because of the miracle of neuroplasticity, I am almost myself again. However the years of being apart from my peers took an enormous toll on me. I was always a extroverted person. But the dementia caused me to become shy and withdrawn. I had never really experienced loneliness, but when it hit, it hit like a sledge hammer. I finally got up the courage to go to a Sr. Ctr., something I dreaded. Wouldn't everyone there be crippled, demented zombies? Was I wrong! I've made more friends than I can count. I'm in a rigorous exercise class for one hr., 5 d/wk., taking yoga, French, and will add Tai Chi soon. Of note: Virtually every young person I see walking down the street is completely immersed in his/her cell phones with NO visual, let alone auditory, contact. I decided to try an experiment at my vets: I engaged one girl in conversation; within 20 mins. all 20 of us (mostly young people) were talking up a storm. To those of us over 60, give it a try. The young people are lonely, too.
78
@Katherine
Really great. You sound like me, naturally gregarious, curious and friendly. Sometimes I get depressed about living in Kansas, but I have retirement and moving as a goal.
Cheers.
8
@Katherine
I think you are right. I teach young adults. I have a no cell phone policy during class.. For the last few years, I'd enter the room and dozens of people would be sitting silently with their phones. They'd politely put them away now that I was there. Then I changed my policy. No cell phone use even in the room--once they entered, they should talk to each other (or stay outside the room on the benches if they needed to finish cell phone business). I began to go to class a few minutes early. I asked questions. Has anyone seen a good movie this week? Do any of you have a good restaurant to recommend for my out of town guests this weekend? It took a few tries. It took a few reminders, but I learned that once they all realized others wanted to talk, I didn't need to be in the classroom for them to chat with each other. I arrive and have to ask them to quiet down a bit so we can start. Many of us are afraid to appear lonely--and young adults have learned to mask that fear with cell phones and a pretense of being too engaged with their friends on a device to notice other people.
8
Part of the problem of loneliness stems from the transient society we currently inhabit. I have moved all over the U.S. and world for work. As a single person, I move alone, no husband or children tagging along on each move. A spouse or children allow for easy entry into a new town, city, etc. When you are single you are not likely to go to the pub alone, to a party alone, to various gatherings. I am an outgoing person and have no problem going out alone, but the truth is, people are just not as welcoming as they get older. It's not out of malice either. It's simple fact that most people in their 30's, 40's and up have a network of friends already and they are not as likely to include a new person. Why? Because they don't think too. They think everyone has a group, even when they know you are alone and just moved to said location for work. I've lived in my "new town" for three years now and I have 2 friends. That's it. It's not for lack of trying either. I have a ton of aquaintances, the people I chit chat with at the pool or while walking the dog. But no real connection to a group. No sense of true belonging. And I'm sure there are many people like me out in the world.
162
I think that a lot of the loneliness people feel who are older is due to the accepted concept of 'retirement'. Think about the fact that the word "retire" means to 'withdraw or go away'. What are we retiring from? Life? Even people who are traveling around for entertainment seem to feel empty because they are no long feel needed anymore to play a role in a community. In our 60s and 70s, we are often still full of energy and can be of help to the community rather than only seek pleasure and relaxation all the time.
Since my life has been irregular with many changes in direction, I did not have the American idea of retirement as finally a time for fun and self fulfillment. Instead, this time seems an opportunity to be fully involved in issues and community activities important to me and to others. This is not too different than my life before. I have picked out venues where my background and enthusiasm can be useful and which activate my mind and give motivation to do more. There are so many things to pick from right now that need urgent care and thought.
It takes effort to find the right place for you to help out and you often have to try out a few, but in the end, it is so worthwhile and satisfying. It feels good to be part of the team working for a goal.
So I would encourage people to volunteer for activities that you believe in and feel an urge to offer your help. It sometimes takes some time to find the right fit but it's worth it.
2
I wonder where the roots of loneliness and isolation begin. My sister just died alone in her apartment after a long bout of illness both physical and mental. I can intellectualize it all I want, but that seems definitely inadequate. Blaming ourselves and others, genetic disposition just does not fix things. She did not live close to us and knowing her problems I tried to reach out to people in her area and friends that knew her. But it seems that the social matrix is just not sufficient to deal with the vast nature of loneliness and social needs in our society. It is a national tragedy, but for my family it is personal and when problems are met must be taken seriously as if it were life and death which it often is.
29
@just Robert Thank you for sharing such a personal experience, and I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. Loneliness is crippling, and I fear some day that it will get the better of me. Sending comfort your way.
4
Yes. Social networking on the internet is no solution to this problem. In fact, my view as that it exacerbates the problem when people spend time with internet “friends” instead of taking part in real life with face to face contact with people.
16
It seems that the more society grows in population (the rat race, congested roads/malls/restaurants/campsites), the more that government provides rather than neighbors and charities, the more that employers keep tabs on workers 24x7, the more that people seek solace from it all, and that drives loneliness. It's telling when people have 250 FB "friends" and they are lonely.
The more you give up being an adult with agency and purpose, the more you suffer others (government and employers) telling you what to do, whether you said your opinion "right" or not, whether you find this victim or that victim to be better than your intersectionality allows, the less liberty and more factionalism you'll suffer.
1
Thank you, Mr. Kristof for this column. I live alone except for 7 cats and 1 dog. They give me a reason to get up in the morning and to keep functioning in order to take good care of them. Dogs are truly amazing and nonjudgemental, unconditional love machines. The cats keep me in line! Bless them both. I am almost 70 years old and have lived with loneliness all my life, even when surrounded by others. I am sure this is a situation for too many. Thank you again for addressing loneliness.
63
@Tina Your words are an encouragement to me. I am so young and cannot imagine a lifetime of loneliness, but it seems like a hole. Thank you for your honesty and helping me see hope.
4
@RW Thank you for your thoughts. There is always hope, even after 70 years of struggling! Good luck in your life.
1
As a musician working in a rehab/senior residence, I personally derive immense job satisfaction singing and playing guitar for the residents seated in their solitary wheelchairs in their hallways, dining rooms or their own private rooms. They look forward to my Thursday visits, and end up smiling, humming with me, tapping their feet (if they can), even singing with me as I sing You are my Sunshine; Michael, Row the Boat Ashore; the Everly Bros. Dream, Dream; Bye Bye Love; Cielito Lindo; We shall Overcome; Ricochet Romance; La Bamba; Wade in the water; Go Down, Moses; Tú, solo Tú; Chevaliers de la Table Ronde; and so many more. The nurses often tell me that the singing is more effective a treatment than any of their prescribed medicines. I am not the only singer. One look at the weekly calendar posted on the walls shows how many different musicians are programmed to spend time with the residents. In addition to singers, the Home I work in brings in entertainers for large group functions in the auditorium. Bingo and other parlor games also provide respite from loneliness. If a senior home is not investing heavily in this kind of programming, it is neglecting the emotional well-being of its charges. The children of prospective residents should investigate all the opportunitites for socialization and growth that each institution offers on a regular, programmed basis. And, last of all, not to be forgotten, is the family commitment to visiting their loved ones regularly.
13
For a start it would be good to stop waging war on anything. Waging war is a losing proposition
7
"Second, people who are alone are less likely to go to doctor appointments, to take medicine or to exercise and eat a healthy diet."
One reason those of us who are alone are less likely to obtain health care is that the health care profession refuses to offer it to us.
I've been told that I cannot have a screening colonoscopy without someone willing to drive me home because of a theoretical legal liability no one seems able to document.
96
@Allen Rebchook
This is true. Every time I visit my Parents in Florida, my Mother and I end up accompanying a Neighbor or Two to a Clinic. I drive, we sit and wait until the Patient is cleared
(Literally) usually 2-3 hours, then drive them home. The reason is because everyone gets some anesthesia, if they drove afterwards and had/caused an auto accident, the Clinic would absolutely be legally liable.
Best wishes.
8
@Allen Rebchook
Based on the anesthesia they give, one needs a ride/driver home. Depending on age, it can lay one out mentally for 8-12 hours to 24 & beyond.
Trust me on this, from a recent close family experience.
And yes, it is an enormous hurdle for many. I agree with you 1000% on this aspect.
11
@jazz one Well, I've performed maybe ten thousand of these, so I'll rely on more than your close family experience.
Undoubtedly non-urbanites will disagree with me, but I think it's actually (much) less lonely living in a large city vs. the alternative. Although everyone around you might be a stranger, at least you're among humanity - and if nothing else, you can have (brief) conversations with neighbors or shopkeepers.
I'm very fortunate to have a wonderful husband and wonderful friends - but I've also belonged to a terrific Meetup discussion group for seven years and I've become very friendly with a few other long-term attendees (the group meets once/month, but sometimes I get together in-between with the person who I've become particularly good friends with). I'll also mention something related to that: in early 2012, I joined a (weekly) French-speakers' Meetup group. I became very friendly with two other members - and when the very nice group leader had to quit a few months later and a very unpleasant person took over the group, the three of us decided to leave the group. However, we wanted to continue the friendship and we decided to meet about once/month for dinner. It's now been 7 1/2 years and we're very close friends.
6
I would not agree that the internet has aggravated the problem, as a virtual community is still a community of sorts. Having said that, there is an exchange of vitality which occurs in physical communication which is invigorating. In our time, it is the workplace which provides our most significant community time, and after retirement that is lost. Some folks find community in their neighborhood bar (and these still exist, even in cities), but the sad paradox of that is that alcohol is a depressant, of every sort. We would probably be best served in addressing this problem by developing a strong infrastructure of volunteerism, as it provides for meaningful time spent in a social context.
4
“If we could tackle loneliness,” Barran said, “people would feel stronger, more resilient, more optimistic about the future.”
Could we try to do the things that are needed right now and doable? Say single-payer universal healthcare? Say impeaching a criminal president and saving democracy? Say giving teeth to the FDA so that it will never again look the other way while a rogue drug company peddles lies about its product's safety and kills more than 200,000 people? Say give authority back to the FAA so that it never again permits an unsafe airliner to take to the skies on the simple say-so of the company that made it about its safety?
How's about we do that?
27
So many folks now have little time for anything but work. Both adults in the family work and then try to find time (find time!) to spend with children. All the things that my parent's generation did to create bonds of community--garden clubs, book groups, scouts, welcome wagons, choirs, civic clubs, art leagues--are just roadkill in the path of vulture capitalism. Add in the growing dependence on social media as a very poor substitute--I have to force my college students to get off phones and talk to each other before class--and I think loneliness may well be the next pandemic. Thank you Mr. Kristoff.
180
I'm a woman in my 60's, retired a few years back from the practice of law. When I was practicing and raising my kid, I did have one or two close friends, but we were all too busy to spend much time together.
Fast forward - my daughter has finished grad school, and is an independent young adult. But I have been so fortunate not to have felt the pangs of loneliness, as I've been aging.
How have I avoided this? Well, several years ago, I began studying topics and developing skills that I'd always been interested in, but never had the time. I began painting classes, and also became a serious student of the martial arts. Now, I didn't sign up for these classes to socialize or make friends. I signed up to spend my time in activities that were meaningful to me.
But then something happened, as I began getting involved in these activities. I now have a circle of seven or eight wonderful friends, most of whom I've met through my classes. They are all bright, interesting, warm people, and I've so enjoyed the time I've been able to spend with them. They have enriched my life in ways I couldn't have imagined a decade ago.
I know this isn't the easy "fix" for many people, but for those who are able to, I think that becoming involved in activities one truly enjoys is a wonderful pathway to building friendships.
80
@Orion Clemens So happy that taking classes worked for you, and it is a wonderful suggestion. My experience has been that most often that which I have in common w others in art, music, gardening, politics et al is the ONLY thing we have in common or people already have a core of friends and family and are honestly too busy to develop a new friendship. So people should not take it personally if new friendships are hard to come by. Treasure the friendships you make even if you socialize infrequently and never give up... a new friend may be just around the corner,
29
@Orion Clemens
Thank you for your inspiring words. I find it difficult at my age to meet new people. I have recently started attending Sunday services at a Unitarian Church. It seems to be a lovely group of like minded people so I'm not only working on my spirituality but might even make a new friend.
Facebook can be what you make it. It is, in fact, a place where I have a lively community of former colleagues (some of whom I would not likely still be in touch with were it not for FB). We discuss issues (political, societal, whatever), share articles (and, yes, memes), as well as things like trip pictures. It is also for me a place to have a touch stone with some from my past (HS classmates whom, again, I likely would not otherwise be in touch).
As I get older I can certainly see how easy it is in our society to become isolated - especially for someone like me who lives alone. At my age I am active, volunteer, spend time 'out' with friends, but I see neighbors who have less mobility, less energy, and don't like to drive much, if at all. Yet, they cannot afford to move to a retirement community and/or don't have much family (or at least no one near by). As the Boomers age, there will be millions of us living alone whether because we never married or because we have lost a life partner. Certainly finding ways to address loneliness and isolation are important societal concerns.
17
I think the issue is more about finding your own tribe. Just meeting people isn’t enough. last week I went to a lecture by Angela Davis
( she was a college professor of mine 40yrs ago) hearing her speak was heart warming. She was talking about stuff that I’m always thinking about. We are basically on the same page. I’ve come to Toronto to support women in the fine arts. I know I will meet like minded folks when working to help women artists!!!!!
21
Beyond the individual, we badly need out-of-the-box ideas, such as this one, that, even if a stretch, could scale up and improve the state of society, as well. So good news here.
It looks like we’re in the early second round of noting lessons learned. The “Friendly” benches and other ideas look promising. I look forward to reading about whether they need tinkering, and other ideas to build on this. I remember reading about a college class which was told to start conversations with someone whom they ordinarily would not approach. To the students’ surprise, none had a bad experience. The researchers also found those who were engaged for the conversations were OK with them, too.
It is so good that Nick responded to the first few comments I read. And his comments were not token. He did a similar column a couple of years ago calling for recreating community and I faulted him for not being more available. I know he is a Pulitzer Prize winner and spends a lot of time in, shall we say, non-tourist attractions. But if his colleague, Farhad Manjoo can make appointments to speak to readers by phone, perhaps he could too. What a message of consistency that would send.
There is a brief mention of “difficult conversations.” Don’t let that one pass. They are different. We could use a future column on “do’s” and “don’ts on both hard and quality conversations.
Keep a space in the loneliness spectrum for those who prefer (even at times) to be alone. Introverts and those with challenges, too.
3
I know there's comments about the internet exacerbating feelings of loneliness but I wonder if that's more of an age or a generational thing.
I wonder if people now in their early 20s or below who have grown up online have more of a sense of feeling of being members of an online community than those older?
If so, will they eventually start feeling the same as they age?
3
One of the biggest flaws of our country, in my opinion, is this pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps mantra that has existed since our country's inception.
Recently I read in Portland, Oregon's newspaper online about increasing loneliness and depression among local teens. The comments section was downright vicious (this in one of America's most liberal cities). Comments of "snowflake" and "in my day" (as if there was no depression back in day) on and on and on. Anyone showing a weakness was cowardly cyber-bullied online.
I've never been fond of the bootstraps mentality, it isolates people in our country. It needs to end.
155
@TRS Au contraire, the bootstraps mentality is what brought communities together (barn raiser). Religions brought people together, and they acted together in charity, where the recipient was grateful for the help and human compassion.
Today, we have centrally planned entitlements that make it easier for people to raise families without spouses and without jobs, all "cared for" by government checks and it's brutal qualifications and tracking systems.
Government is not a replacement for humanity. Let's try on humanity instead of coerced, centrally planned legal prohibitions and compulsions.
3
I spent years answering phones on a local crisis line as a volunteer. Many people think of crisis lines as suicide hot lines and they are that, to be sure. For people who have no one to talk to, however, they can be the lifeline that means they never get to the point of suicidal thoughts. We provided a place where people could talk to someone with a friendly nonjudgmental ear who cared enough to spend a few moments with callers, listening to their problems and occasionally their successes. It was the best part of my week and an honor to be trusted with the caller's concerns.
Much of the time none of us know what another is going through, whether they are part of a big family with lots of friends or alone in the world struggling to get by. A kind word, a shared moment, even a friendly smile can make the difference between lonely despair and a feeling of connection, a feeling that to someone they matter.
15
@Kay Kindness and charity are indeed the best path forward. These are personal choices and actions.
2
The Internet was supposed to bring the world together, but the anonymity of social media and user avatars in gaming and other online activities simply makes interconnectivity a breeding ground for more isolation and disconnection from the real world. As an educator, I encourage parents to have more family-oriented outings and less individual button-pushing on video game consoles. There’s a time and a place for being alone and engaging in self-reflection, but that’s not at all times and in all places. So put down your smart phones and video entertainment at least once in a while, and take a good look around you. There’s an interesting world with interesting people just waiting to be discovered...
2
@J. Grant If loneliness is a problem, why do people seem to prefer it over face-to-face interactions?
Go to a movie theater, play, church or concert hall, or stay at home?
Talk or text?
Go to the store or shop online?
Walk around town or drive?
1
Agreed! There are many things to do in NYC, groups to join, etc... but having someone make suggestions such as in a doctor's office would be so helpful to those who are lonely. I also think an elected official would be wonderful.
1
I have never felt lonely. I have never felt bored. I think these are part of our "Innateness" (word?). Of course, things like death, divorce, family squabbles (wills anyone?) compound the effect. But after reading this column and many of comments, I felt sadly helpless for those afflicted.
Just a couple of suggestions.
A pet is almost mandatory. Dog, cat, ferret or fish. Take care of something else. Get outside of your head.
Volunteer. As one who went through a retirement transition that caused me to re-evaluate my identity, I found offering help to others very rewarding and frankly reaped more people connections than I really wanted. But it works. Human connections based on helping others is powerful.
30
Parrot who can talk back (or not) are amazing, emotional fluffs of feathers. My fid (furry kid) always asks for or gives kisses.
1
I’d like to see more research on the effects of social media on this topic. While deployed for up to a year with the military with and without access to social media, I didn’t sense an improvement in the family relationships or mood of my subordinates when we had it. If anything I thought both were worse.
2
@Tom P I have found that when I go online to share what I know about the subjects that I care about-subject specific blogs-I find nasty bloggers who never miss an opportunity to cut people down with their "superior" knowledge of that subject. Blogs could be a good thing but for what a great author referred to as " digital barbarism." I am not active on social media, but there is quite a bit of that barbarism there too.
5
@Edward That's because the world is not your friend. Try communicating directly with your friends rather than through a commercial business's advertising platform where you create the content that enriches them while devaluing friends and family.
2
Everyone is having a laugh at active adult communities, but this is where the local loneliness antidote grows. My generation has been wildly successful in raising independent and self-sufficient children, so much so that they completely forgot about us. Active adult communities stress the community - a place where you can do as much or as little as you like and can. We moved to one after aging out of our "regular" neighborhood a few years ago and are flourishing: walking the dog, joining clubs of all kinds, finding friends, both old (surprise, but so nice to see you here!) and new. And since we're both retired, we both volunteer outside the community too. That's where I see the really lonely people: the frail, very old, ill and housebound ones, who may only see the Meals-on-Wheels volunteer that day, when they deliver their meals; whose families may be busy or overwhelmed. Share of yourself, reach out and chat for a few minutes with lonely people, you're bringing the outside world and some sunshine into their day. Start by spreading the goodwill and you will feel less lonely and get much more back. As far as the poster who mentioned being invisible after a certain age, it's true. Been there, still there. But if you reach out and talk to someone, chances are that more often than not, they will respond politely and with a smile, feeling better about themselves as well. And you may both learn something new that day.
45
@juleezee
I'm glad you've found a place where you feel comfortable and accepted. You are very fortunate. However I take exception to part of your comment. The fact is that EVERY generation that has ever existed has felt neglected and forgotten by the younger people coming up behind them. Our parents and grandparents had the same complaints about us and these kids will grow up to have the same complaints about their heirs. Young people and old people have never lived up to the other's expectations so when you complain about young people today just take a minute to remember the complaints directed at you when you were young. A little perspective and understanding goes a long way.
10
@jim I'm not complaining, have one of those kids myself and wish them godspeed in their lives. You're correct, I remember my mom telling me: "Just wait until you have your own child/children, you'll see!" Of course she was right. As was my father when he told my mom that she should let go of me, I had a life to live. As you can see, I had very wise parents, and I aim to do the same with my offspring.
5
@juleezee Thanks for your post. My husband and I have 4 married children and all but one live in our area. We're retired, 70ish, and our kids & spouses all work full time. In a nutshell, they are usually too busy to see us. We're seriously considering moving to the Sun City area where we have close friends. When we visited we were amazed at the number of groups available at the activity centers. Both of us volunteer at least 20 hrs a week, but we're lonely for adult companionship. These groups/clubs would be particularly important, I think, to men who maintain friendships through doing concrete things together. I'm more outgoing but having exercise groups, book clubs, etc sounds delightful.
3
Why not cats? Life wasn't nearly as empty for me before my cat died a year and a half ago.
19
I think that people with dogs tend to connect more with other people with dogs (walking their dogs together, for example), and it’s the human to human interaction that is being highlighted rather than the human-pet relationship. Cats can be wonderful companions. Have you considered adopting a new friend?
5
@Patrick O Brien Cats are fine, but in general, dogs require that you leave the house where you often run into fellow dog walkers.
3
Social isolation seems to be an unfortunate consequence of too much cultural importance on competition, independence and careerism. Disconnectedness appears to just keep growing and spreading with time. Maybe we would be more successful with more connectedness and fewer material markers of ‘success.’
20
". . . Murthy says he saw families sometimes drop elderly family members off at a hospital for Thanksgiving or another long weekend . . ."
I have never heard of this and didn't know that hospitals accepted people for no reason other than that they were alone. What are the families doing, going on a long trip or what? Thanksgiving is a family holiday, or so I thought when I had family close by. Would someone explain this practice a little more in depth to me?
2
@M. Lewis I’m a retired ER doctor of 40 years- we called these drop- offs “granny dumps”. I saw this happen before every holiday. Because Medicare often would not certify admissions for these people- most wound up staying a few days in the ER with us. We tried hard to spoil these folks, sharing holiday treats, plumping pillows etc for them. I always felt sorry for the patients though. Almost all had some degree of dementia or were very frail. The noisy, busy atmosphere of the ER was confusing sometimes terrifying to them.
I don’t completely fault the caregivers though. My dad died of dementia. Caregiving is hard, lonely work and we do not offer any respite to these heroic folks. Broken systems lead to broken solutions.
3
@M. Lewis Sounds like an urban legend to me. The cost of hospitals do not go away for the holidays.
1
thank you, nick, for taking issue here. obviously, i am a long term fan... but loneliness happens. i know. it happened to me. i am 63. most of my friends are older than me. some have died, some have retired and moved away from the tri state area, a lot are artists and are spending more time back in europe (they were a bit off and on, anyway, due to their process). i live 20 minutes from the gw bridge, but with reduced disposable income, it is very expensive to 'pop' in for a visit, as i used to, and get my culture hit. i live on three heavily wooded acres and do not have a 'neighborhood'. i am isolated. am i lonely? my daughter face times me at least once a week with my granddaughters from where they live in florida. i have several 'sisterhood' communities online where there is interaction with women from around the world. yes. i am lonely. i am not currently in a loving relationship with a man. human beings require affection as part of their survival. i am old country italian raised. i have adapted to the best of my ability to not having people around, but i do not like it and do not want to live like this any longer. so, bravo great britain for addressing loneliness and kudos on the 'phraseology'! our country is completely bonkers right now, so my sense is that legislation from a more local level will best serve. i would be very happy to participate in further discussion regarding this because people are wasting away or killing themselves and our elders are neglected. <3
58
@g d c
It is amazing to me how Facebook has become a substitute for real face to face interactions. My wife has several friends who live minutes away and who she used to see (visit with, go for lunch, invite over for the evening) and has not seen in person for years. They all live minutes away but they talk through their posts. I said why don’t you go for lunch with Rita, when was the last time you saw her. Her response at her husbands funeral and before that...13 years ago! “ We are all up to date as we are friends on Facebook” was the response. Isn’t technology wonderful...thanks Zuckerberg.
7
@Bob Smith They are lying to you. They don't go because it's stressful and hard to coordinate, and personal feelings tend to flare up. When give the choice, people often seem to choose the no-contact methods over those that require more energy and risk.
3
I love the idea of such a governmental role. How about a more positive title? Department of happiness, well being, sociability, or togetherness.
15
@Boyd I'd like a Department of Euphoria...it could provide me the drugs I'd like to take so as not to live in a world where fellow citizens think government is your friend and can centrally plan our way to happiness.
@Boyd this Kurt Vonnegut novel from 1974 proposes a solution to loneliness: https://www.nytimes.com/1976/10/03/archives/slapstick-slapstick.html
We humans are the most highly social species on the planet, by far. Like our primate ancestors, just much more so. It's a powerful survival instinct and a sine qua non to our survival.
3
@A Goldstein Many insects live in far larger communities and fully interact -- likely because there's no high tech or government solution for them.
1
I am surprised that all the comments are not a defense of cats. However, I do realize that this column brings up other issues. May I put in a word for parrots. I am disabled, live alone but in a beautiful place, and have my cat Alice and my red-lored amazon parrot for 29 years, Harry. I love Alice, but it is Harry who keeps me from being lonely, and who keeps me alive.
The problem with groups is some people have no transportation, and some people cannot converse with those who have lives and families. We don't know what to say.
You have to find friends who have known you a long time and who are truly sympathetic, and who love you. That is the difference between the people who are screaming on the street, the people who are lonely, and the people who somehow figure something out.
I also think that the online world exploded into social media and an obsession with numbers before individuals learned how to use the internet. It's an instrument. If you know how to play it, it does not contribute to social isolation. Acceptance from online communities can help people make decisions in real life and develop skills they would not have had without them. I was an online community creator and manager for 20 years before I got too sick to work.
16
@Barbara Steinberg Yes! Transportation is key!! My mother lives in upstate New York and transportation for socializing became a huge problem when she stopped driving. I was shocked at how little is available through her county programs. And Uber/Lyft charge exorbitant fees in rural areas. Something needs to be done very quickly if "aging in place" is to be truly viable.
44
Disconnected points:
.Maybe if we stopped shaming people for still living in their parents home. What is so wrong with multi-generations living together?
.One child couples, who do they turn to when they get old? .When you have seven siblings and one drives you crazy there are 6 more.
.We think spouses should be absolutely flawless according to our measurements. Never gonna happen but divorce doesn't solve it.
. Church attendance has been replaced with sports and NFL games. Throwing your problems on God is not longer an option when you never show up at His house.
.
5
@JPP don't forget ageism, singleism, religious and non-religious discrimination, racism, political party divides, etc.
Agree on your point about people living at home, done in other countries all the time, why is it shameful in the U.S.?
Don't agree with the God comment, he/she/it/fantasy being, doesn't have an address, and if he/she does, it's certainly not these churches which practice abuse.
1
I’ll start by admitting that I’m an introvert. But my main problem with group activities is usually that one dominant person who insists on speaking more or controlling everything to an obnoxious degree. Then I start avoiding that activity in order to avoid that one person. I’m working on becoming more tolerant.
209
@Mary Ann Baclawski It's the constant demand that we tolerate others that leads so many of us to actually not interact with others. When given the choice, few choose in-person interactions.
8
@David
Hi david what does that mean, the demand to tolerate others? I have never heard of that.
I am especially interested since my wife and I have recently started a dialog neighborhood group and some people mistakenly think dialogue is merely about tolerance.
Thanks for any insights you might have.
2
@Mary Ann Baclawski you nailed it. The obnoxipus overbearing loudmouth know-it-alls destroy social activitie. And god forbid if the group attempts to move along without them. Each individual risks becoming a target. It is better for individuals to leave the group, and in the future avoid groups altogether.
Yours should really be the top comment and loneliness research should focus primarily on this effect, but it will take many decades and many studies for the loneliness community to acknowledge this fundamenral cause.
3
Long ago my older brother told me that if I wanted to HAVE a friend, I had to BE a friend. It's a two-way street. We have become a nation of observers, we watch, we judge, we criticize. But to be friendly requires that you give - your help, your love, your energy, time, your ideas, etc. It requires an effort to get out there and join with other people - people who share your interests, but this web of connectedness is critical. Life isn't just for your entertainment, it's an opportunity to find people whose company you enjoy and who enjoy being with you. It's about sharing and helping each other out. Yes, it's a commitment and a responsibility, but it is so worth it. I live in Maine where we still get together to eat at each other's houses, we sew together, play pickleball, practice Yoga, hike, paddle, garden, read each other's poetry, teach each other new skills, invite neighbors in because YOU have the best generator during a snowstorm. Sit alone when solitude is what you need, but cultivate active friendships, you'll be happy you did.
87
@jbp This sounds so wonderful! I'm packing right now! Houses for sale in your neighborhood??? LOL
I met an American couple at a dinner party who complained that the British were unfriendly. Next evening my father managed to get me one very good seat at Covent Garden for 'Carmen'. I was 6 months pregnant and dressed in a lace dress. In front of me sat an American couple (not the one from the night before). I leaned forward and asked,"Are you enjoying London?" They looked at each other in shock. At the end of the opera they asked, "Do you need a ride anywhere?" "No thank you." I replied. Clearly they missed the point of a friendly overture.
7
Loneliness didn't just come from nowhere. It is the end result of high divorce rates and the decimation of the extended family, which in the past gave individuals a feeling of belonging. In addition, whether people in the past were very religious or not, belonging to a church, temple or mosque, gave the majority of people the feeling that they belonged.
But most important, and what I believe to be the greatest contributing factors to the present prevalence of loneliness in the majority of the population is the premeditated dumbing down of public education, so that the majority of people now exit school no longer having even basic vocabulary and comprehension of what is going on around them.
This was not an accident, but rather the premeditated corporate dumbing down of the population, so that their profits can increase without we the people being able to effectively question and check these corporate actions. Loneliness is now used to silence the unaware majority, who no longer see what they think reflected in the corporate media.
Ironically, this is the first time in human existence, when there is objectively enough for everybody on the earth, if some didn't take more than they could ever positively use in a hundred lifetimes. And by stealing from we the people, the uber rich actually live worst than they could, because they long ago arrived at the point of diminishing returns- I would suspect these folks are loneliest of all.
30
@Leonard Isenberg So people choose to divorce rather than stay together; now they choose not to go to church where all those good people are. It seems they choose to avoid people, not that these institutions brought them happiness.
@Leonard Isenberg
The dumbing down of education (the spell checker didn't recognize "dumbing"), also gave us Donald Trump.
2
Hmm ... Assistant Secretary for Social Engagement. Or Community Affairs. Better. I would suggest an in-depth study on how the Internet affects people's lives. To combat loneliness, the net does offer diversions to keep the mind and body occupied. Whether its cards, chess, or a multitude of other games, lonely people are susceptible to depression and worse so perhaps computers act more like crutches rather than enablers.
5
I am not a psychologist or anything like that (actually, I'm a retired CPA). My thought on the subject is for people to take their focus off of themselves and to see what they can do for others. i.e. volunteering (especially during the holidays) where one might interact with others regularly or delivering meals to the elderly. Join a gym and go regularly, an activity where you will meet people and do something positive for yourself. Personally, I like being alone a lot of the time (I'm currently in Buenos Aires for 2 months . . . alone!) and I find myself to be quite entertaining. There's a huge difference between being alone by choice and being alone and not wanting to be alone.
150
@The Sanity Cruzer Most who grumble don't make any attempt to be social. Like they author, they claim government will have the solution so they don't have to deal with humanity directly. As you point out, just go out and be kind and charitable and helpful and you'll not be alone. Most prefer to be alone, it seems, at least if you believe that actions speak louder than words.
4
@David I find these thoughts quite interesting, because I have devoted many worthwhile hours to being social and volunteering. I am surrounded by people in a rather large city and work Monday through Friday in a vibrant space. I love living by myself and feel blessed to enjoy time alone, yet I crave deeper connections with people. That craving makes me feel lonely. It's an odd feeling to be surrounded by people and interact with them without ever feeling a deeper connection. Even volunteering doesn't create the connections that it used to. I blame a lot on modern tech (smartphones) leading to a lack of modern etiquette and increased selfishness. I also blame fear: people are reluctant to engage with others for various (and plausible) reasons. As I age, the stereotypical expectations of being a woman are turning into a harsh reality. I am considered to be a spinster - how is that possible in 2019? It's incredible to be an outgoing, friendly individual, who interacts with hundreds of people a day, and yet feel quite lonely.
33
I agree with you! After a couple of Valentine’s Days alone, I started sending valentine cards to all the *other* singles I know. No time to feel sorry for myself! :)
3
Much of the human interaction that was once a normal part of living in a community has been replaced by digital communication, which almost always happens in isolation by both parties, it is the illusion of connectedness. It’s also so much easier to sit at home and get to your digital group instead of meeting somewhere. Interpersonal communication has, in our state of advanced capitalism, been commodified.
44
@Cold Eye Or is digital communication created by humans for the purpose of avoiding the costs, timing and risks associated with face-to-face interactions?
@David
Wow! I hadn't thought of it that way, but yeah it does make you wonder. Perhaps both?
“A new post in the Department of Health and Human Services.”
And conservatives, Mr. Kristof, would go berserk. “Growing government,” some would scream. “Budget-busting liberals,” others would sneer. This endemic of loneliness is pervasive throughout every stage of life; it’s impossible not to feel compassion for those who have a chronic inability (disability?) to connect with others.
The isolation may begin in a family unit (I know) where shaming is a huge component in the “parenting” of (perhaps) otherwise well-meaning adults. The teen years are fertile ground for the insecure and shy; peer pressure and exposure to the crushing imperatives of “Now” can disable; can cripple someone whose self-esteem is problematic.
I can recall my own “family” structure where we siblings were urged to compete with one another for our “parents” affections. The impetus was supposedly academic performance but, at bottom, it was unsuccessful because we intuitively understood that it was shame-based. It taught us to withdraw from one another.
In my late 30’s, my ophthalmologist, after the exam, asked me if I was happy. He saw right through me. And the year I turned 40, a doctor at a physical asked me if there was a woman in my life (there wasn’t). He said, “Man, there are lots of single (he meant lonely) women out there.
We need healthcare not only for our bodies but also for our inner selves. Of course, Republicans are the lucky ones—if you’ve got a problem, you brought it on yourself.
41
@Red Sox, ‘04, ‘07, ‘13, ‘18
Thank you for this introspective comment.
Parents sometimes don’t appreciate how many lifelong consequences will come of how they treat their children - how confident, in the long run, those kids will feel and how they relate to others. One can only hope that those who suffered from being raised in punitive or dysfunctional settings will know better than to continue the cycle.
As for your remark about the insightful ophthalmologist; increasingly, I have found Doctors ask me what my home situation is like. I have gotten over my instincts towards privacy and addressed the question, because I understand that having connectedness and a support system does matter. Physicians have a fearsome amount of responsibility as is, but if they can help guard against isolation, we’ll be the better for it.
Thanks, as always, for what you wrote. Take care.
26
Yes. And add in a national character where anyone who admits to needing help (especially around mental health) is shamed and despised for their very problem.....then you have a perfect vicious circle of shame. I am sorry this happened to you.
2
So many projects I could do, if only- if only I wasn't so lonely. I haven't the will or energy for much and only feel at peace when absorbed in nature. Tonight the sun will set at 4:42pm and Winter Solstice is still 6+ weeks away. PNW SAD is alive and well, as is superficial friendliness. I've been single for double-digit years and my children are grown & busy. I attend various Meetups of interest (Permaculture, Mycology, Sustainability, etc.) but how does one make a lasting connection? I'm feeling it's either a lost art of lost to the ages. I'm only 65, and fwiw, i'm bright and attractive. Always alone, I truly feel invisible except for exchanges at MetroMkt, TJoes, WFoods, etc. My offspring would be less burdened with reduced dependency by mom. I consider moving now and again, but how do I find "my tribe" aside from weekend gatherings with good luck? Not alone, no. Lonely, most definitely. Sadness and degrees of depression carry weight, bow my shoulders, slow my feet and tap my energy. I'm thankful for good health now but I don't want 20 more years of growing older, lonelier and facing declining physical and/or mental health.
I really miss my mom's generation (1920s).
633
@Anon I understand how you feel. I am recently retired and have found that on somedays I just don't know what to do. I often feel more tired now. I am lucky to have grandchildren to visit and play with, but I do miss having older friends to spend time with. Many have moved away or just don't seem to want to do anything except talk on the phone.I'm thinking of volunteering to give back and to keep myself a little busier. There is an emptiness some days that I didn't have when I was working. I wish I had a close friend to do things with and I know they can be hard to find. I wonder how many people feel as I do.
176
@Anon I'm sorry to hear this, and thanks for engaging with my column. I think there are lots and lots of people in your situation. Modern life creates superficial connections, but it's not always clear how to create deeper bonds -- the kind of people you can call at 2 a.m. in a crisis. I don't have the answers, but I think Britain is doing interesting work, and I think we all need to think through this issue and do what we can as individuals to reach out. Thanks again for weighing in, and if you have suggestions, I'd welcome them.
385
@Nicholas Kristof Hello - I'm pretty much an expert on loneliness, and spend a lot of my alone time thinking about it. I'm 61, single female. And yes, I have a cat. :-) I like the solution of cohousing. My dream is to live on a beach in Mexico with a group of seniors who still have a lot to give back to society. I'm thinking of rescuing street dogs, caring for orphans, things like that. Too often we are cast off and overlooked. (Don't get me started on this "OK Boomer" thing). The village is broken, and we need to reinvent it.
266
I bought a home, on my own, in a rural city a few years ago. When I moved in, before I was diagnosed with cancer, I was still working. I introduced myself at each door, gave out my phone number and email, and told folks to call if they needed anything.
I have been in every house, fixing computers. I have bought birthday and graduation gifts for the kids. I check in when a neighbor is ill and pick up shopping. And I always answer the phone when a neighbor is calling. It is how my parents taught us decent people behave.
And yet, I have never lived in such an uncaring, unfriendly place. People are wrapped up in their own lives to such a degree that there is no time to be neighborly. I have, many times, had neighbors stand watching from their yards while I struggle to drag my trash cans to the street. (I am disabled and use a cane.) My neighbors call me when they want something. Other than that, I am invisible. There is no kindness, no generosity of spirit, no community.
It is terribly isolating to be seriously ill when you are alone. A call occasionally, an offer to pick up things at the grocery store, an offer to walk my dog, would make my week. But here, people barely say hello.
I have tried to figure out why this place is so different from any other place I have lived. I have been in the same county for 50 years.
My neighbors all identify as Christian and are all Trump supporters. Hmmm.
532
@Nekogal
This is a sad story for obvious reasons. You have been generous but people do not realize how to be reciprocal and that's a problem. And it is not unique to you. I live in a college community and that kind of behavior exists here as well. It is question of whether people see helping others as a value. In fact, their behavior suggests that you no longer need to be as generous. Maybe, it's time to let the phone ring. The selfish love to take and are banking on others who give to keep giving.
57
@Henry Dickens Thank you, Henry. I have had that urge at times. I hear you.
But I try to act according to my values. I don't always succeed, obviously. But most of the time, at the end of the day, I can honestly say I did my best.
I don't admire the way my neighbors treat others. I don't want to be like them. And, I believe our society is lost if we set our behavior to the lowest common denominator.
I do what I do because that is how I want to live. Self-respect is its own reward.
76
@Nekogal I've been single for many years and live alone with a cat. Throughout these years I have reached out to people who don't respond. For about 30 years I've had no living relatives. I do have reasons for being somewhat of an isolate myself. I read a lot and would love to have people to discuss books with but former friends and acquaintances are busy reading Buddhist sutras or reading what I call "fluff" that has no relevance to my own interests. I'm just willing to spend time on books that will waste my time even though I have plenty of it. Everyone is busy with their own stuff and often simply don't have the luxury of making new friends. What to do? About 8 years ago I rented a room in in a small town in Michoacan Mexico and that is where my real friends are. An elderly gentleman and I talk about books and I have become part of a Mexican family. They are all very busy too but relationships are more important to them I think. My years of studying Spanish has opened up my life in unexpected ways. I just don't have the money to go as often as I want. I adopted 2 Mexican dogs and my friends care for them when I'm not there. I miss my dogs more than anyone in the US.
68
Thank you so much for this, and especially for mentioning Dogs. I have volunteered at local Humane Societies, it is extremely fulfilling and worthwhile work. Most local shelters across the USA offer “ Seniors for Seniors “. Meaning a person over 55 or 60 can adopt an older Dog for half the usual fees. And these Dogs are usually house trained and know basic commands. It’s amazing what a Dog can do for the attitude AND Health of almost anyone, especially an older person or someone that is at home a lot. There are also a lot of pairs waiting for a Home, after their owner has died or moved into a Nursing Home. Please, never, ever buy a Dog. Adopt from a shelter or Veterinarian Clinic.
Thank you.
183
@Phyliss Dalmatian Since I have become homebound, I have struggled for a way to continue to contribute to my community. I have begun adopting senior and special needs pets. They get a loving home and I get a family who needs me. Wonderful!
100
@Nekogal
YOU are fantastic. I’m sending you my best wishes and TWO Dalmatian kisses.
21
Thank you Phyliss for your volunteer work and encouraging words. I, too, look forward to adopting one or two dogs when I retire and can be home with them.
4
I've been a clinical psychologist for over 40 years. Although I treat depression, the epidemic of loneliness, of which Nicholas Kristof writes, is not something easily solved solely by psychotherapy.
I have grown to appreciate elements of Karl Marx's critique of advanced capitalist societies: it breeds alienation. Combined with rapidly changing technology, population demographics, and income inequality, we have created the perfect medium for mass unhappiness. The solutions lie not just in the consulting room of psychologists, but in the political and social awakening of our entire advanced democracies. We will need to build social and economic conditions that nurture life and wellbeing at all levels.
277
@Down62
There's something I want to say about psychotherapy. This culture of therapy we live in. I mentioned this to someone recently and she agreed with me. We both have close friends/loved ones who cope with serious mental illness (the kind where one often has suicidal ideation and sees and hears things that aren't there). It's very stressful for both our loved ones and for us. Both our loved ones are in therapy, and so are we.
But unlike in the communities of our childhood, there is literally NO ONE around us who cares about us. We both grew up in vastly different communities, me in a tiny town, her in a suburban community. But what we BOTH noticed was, that there's this idea: if you have a problem, you should go to therapy. You should bother anyone else with your problems. How DARE you ask another human to CARE ABOUT YOU! How dare you bring "your drama" into their precious lives. We seem to have this idea that the only place anyone should ever have feelings is in therapy. Much less negative feelings! Oh boy! Try having negative feelings! Like anger.
Before the age where emotional caring was professionalized and depersonalized, you might have gotten told to "be a man" or "big girls don't cry." But chances are, there was also someone in your life who cared about you. Strangers might even. You didn't have to be told it took a village, bc the village was right there.
Now, it seems like no one cares. The professionalization of caring is part of the problem.
26
@Down62 I think there is a lot of truth in your comment. Our capitalist isolation, everybody for themselves, we are not responsible for you, we paid our way, they probably did not, they are on the dole, they are probably atheist liberals anyway, we don't need them and their baggage, we've got it all covered, planned and paid...
But at the center is the impenetrable condition of human mortality and our shared reality, even if we don't recognize it, of everyman's poor estate which is identical for each of us and basically unaffected by wealth, given the basics.
In lower middle-class neighborhoods in Venezuela, you could wander up and down the street, visit whoever whenever, be welcomed, greetings to and from everybody, almost no strangers and a lot of family all around.
Nobody made enough money to exclude themselves.
9
But just who are the "we"? Or to borrow from Aesop, who is going to bell the cat?
2
I grew up until 12 in a small Iowa town. Barely over a thousand people so you knew everyone by sight if not by name. Yes, sometimes constricting but mostly reassuring. All ages mixed - when I had my tonsils out- the drugstore sent up ice-cream. On Mayday hanging bouquets anonymously on neighbors doorknobs. If you were in trouble or hurt you could go to anyone's door and they would help you. One memorable 4th of July storm everyone rallied
round to help round up our two calves frolicking around the neighborhood [we lived at the edge of town]. we took safety and care for granted and overlooked at what seemed nosiness. I have a few friends, am shy in the matter of relatives, I keep busy but I miss the unconscious feeling of warmth by having a village.
276
@kathryn murdock Thanks for the comment. Public health researchers think that in evolutionary times we lived in extended bands, and that that is why our levels of stress hormones rise when we're on our own: In ancient times, it was dangerous to be alone. I too am from a small town, but that way of life is fraying and fading.
140
@kathryn murdock I have urban/suburban roots, but have now lived in a rural area for ten years. It's not the countryside I'd imagined -- even though I am, and will always be, an outsider -- people here don't get to know their neighbors, don't want to stop to help anyone out, feel as though world is out to get them. I want to move back to a place where neighbors are neighborly.
50
@Karen That's an interesting comment coming from NY. I live in Western NY and we moved here from Seattle which I felt was getting crowded. We used live on the Puget Sound and now live in a park like atmosphere on Lake Ontario. This is an area that went for Trump 70/30.
What I have found is that people here stop and offer to help out for no reason at all. I play Pokemon Go and walk at odd times and park in odd places but I've had many people come up to me and ask me if I need help. I'm really surprised by that (didn't happen in the Seattle area).
But I think this kind of contact is superficial. It is good that people seem to look out for each other, but I think what Kristof is talking about being lonely even when surrounded by people. It's actual deep caring - being able to communicate without being judged. This happens easily when you're younger but life makes you jaded I think.
I grew up in a huge city from a different country and only the Bay Area has ever felt like a real "home" to me from a social perspective. Nonethless I love the area we live in for other reasons. I am not a big fan of the winters but I love all the other times. I have a few hobbies that have kept me from being lonely even though they're all activities that I do by myself (music before, now astronomy), etc.
There are always people who will be willing to try things but it gets harder to find people who are compatible relationship wise (I'm not talking romantically at all) as you get older.
34
"Murthy says he saw families sometimes drop elderly family members off at a hospital for Thanksgiving or another long weekend in what sounds to me rather like the practice of a family leaving a dog at a kennel when they’re going away."
How awful. How unbelievably callous. People who do this should know that the "inconvenient elderly," no matter what their mental state, realize they're unwanted.
I have a good friend who, with others, is helping a friend with dementia, with no children or family to speak of. They've arranged to secure power of attorney in order to help her enter a dementia care facility for those with few resources.
I consider my friend a saint. In a world growing increasingly isolated as social ties fray, culture coarsens, and people are so busy they don't notice the lonely, she's giving the most precious commodity one can give: attention and time.
134
No, she’s not a saint. She is a decent human being. By calling this kind of behavior saintly, we are implying that most of us need not make such an effort to help others. I disagree.
19
@Kathy: thank you for your response, and reminding me that in these dark times, I've been allowing cynicism to infect my thinking about what constitutes decent behavior.
17
@ChristineMcM
I have an older -- elderly? -- neighbor like this. She is in fantastic health and shape, and is always busy, active, engaged.
Yet -- she is so, so caring and kind to those in need, be them peers (age-wise) who haven't fared as well, or just simply anyone. Really goes above and beyond the call.
She's a real gem.
And then there's my best friend since 3rd grade. Too many decades later to say ... we live about 15 easy minutes apart. Still don't see her as often as I wish / should / could(?) due to my health limitations and introversion and general ... issues -- but we talk on phone, we e-mail and text, and she always, always steps up for me when things are really dire -- and I know she always will.
Another gem.
I am a fortunate soul.
10
It's important not to conflate loneliness and living alone. I have lived alone for the last 28 years, but nowadays I am not lonely, though I once was.
I have come to appreciate my own company at home, where it's peaceful and quiet. I get together occasionally with old friends, chat with strangers in the grocery store and elsewhere and audit a university class full of people young enough to be my grandchildren.
Certainly it's good to encourage people to join groups, get dogs and so forth, but some of us have been there and done that.
BTW, the right cat is just as much company as the right dog, in my experience. Many cats are quite social despite the bad reputation they have been given. One of mine used to wait impatiently for me to sit in my favorite chair so he could settle into my lap after dinner. He's been gone for more than eight years and I still miss him.
370
@Barbara
I really appreciate your comment. As I write, I have one of my cats curled up on the sofa with me; my other cat is beside us, in his bed. There is no place I would rather be and no company I would rather keep. Cats are excellent friends!
Thanks for what you wrote. Take care.
119
@Barbara I too am blessed not to suffer from loneliness. But we are lucky. Most of the people I know who live alone are not like us. They are often desperately lonely.
We all have different emotional needs.
51
@Barbara, one of my cats is always waiting and starts meowing at me when I enter the home. He wants that I cuddle him! The other one is not so needy but is certainly pleased with my affection. My wife and I are certainly less lonely with those beautiful companions!
58
Excellent article, Mr Kristof. I can attest to how devastating loneliness is and how transformative facing it has made me stronger, more resilient, more optimistic about the future. I now even write about it and wanted to share, in case, I could be of help to anyone else.
"We are not isolated. We are intertwined in the body of the cosmos as our own. All 13.7 billions years of the cosmos — all that experience, all that force, all that knowing — inside of us so that we may create..." https://medium.com/embracing-our-aliveness/leave-your-loneliness-cfe5f5f64af3
Here's to the beautiful future when all know the stunning miracle of their unique life and can reach out from that place within!!
5
Well written and important article. In the age of digital, long work weeks, and a divided nation (not to mention, a leader who spews hate rhetoric), it is critical people feel human connection. An America that emphasizes the importance of emotional health is good for us all, and progressing forward. I would support a government position tasked with improving social connection. Unfortunately, the government we currently have is unlikely to fund such an innovative, human focused position, if it will not make the stock market go up.
31
@Anastasia Bailey The candidate(s) to vote for regarding a plan like that are Mayor Buttigieg or Senator Klobuchar. Each has pledged to spend $100,000,000 at the beginning. The Buttigieg plan is much more comprehensive, addressing this problem head on.
3
I was struck by the comment relative to benches and how it affects conversation and loneliness. The most well known bench is the one Forrest Gump sat on.
Let's call all such benches throughout the USA "Forrest Gump"
benches so that people will get the idea that they are for strangers conversing.
36
Once lived in northeastern PA. Social isolation seemed to be the preferred existence. Couldn’t stay there.
20
Sooner or later we all sleep alone. All of us have to become our own best friend. We can't run away from ourselves. What appears to be lost in this column is that you can be alone and like it. Nevertheless, thanks,Mr Kristof for a column on a truly critical problem.
213
@Edward Yes, some of us can live alone and love it. I do. But some people cannot bear it.
11
@Nekogal Your point is well taken, of course. In my own life I have been known to go to movies, concerts, etc by myself and enjoyed it. Having worked in the mental health system in the adjacent county to mine, I saw loneliness first hand;. and while I did my best to support the people in my charge, there was only so much I could do for them. After those work days, I welcomed being alone.
18