My tears are flowing as I read these comments. I am Bubbe with a 2 1/2 year old grandson and a 2 year old granddaughter (cousins). Being a Bubbe has opened my heart in a whole new and unexpected way.
5
Many of we grandparents so miss seeing our grandchildren so often, and being able to physically hold them. But, memories can still be had during this pandemic. A friend of mine sent her grandchildren the game “ Zingo”. She bought one for herself to. They then plan a zoom date, and play the game together. Brilliant!
1
Most of Bartola's memories will probably be of her time on her iPad.
1
I wish the NYT would stop publishing so many nostalgic positive pieces about grandparenting. Or at least balance it with essays on how disappointed many people are with the lack of grandparenting and sheer neglect of so many from that generation. If parents were to abandon their parenting duties they would receive social if not legal ramifications. Droves of grandparents have chosen their social lives and hobbies over spending any meaningful time with their grandchildren. They wilfully opt out and choose not to invest themselves or pass on their values. No one seems to question the consequences of these actions. Most of my friends complain about their retired parents selfish focus on vacations and more “me time”. So much for strengthening family ties or giving these grandchildren any semblance of a fabric of intergenerational stability. Please will someone write an article on how many grandparents suck these days?
The Joy of my Life, I can't tell you how much this article meant to me.
This is my big fear in life that she won't remember me. My beautiful six year old granddaughter. Everyday is a gift for both of us. I was diagnosed with
metastic breast cancer in December.
The first thing I thought of how much
time will I have with her and will she remember me.
I learned from the oncologist that though stage 4 is not curable,It's treatable and I should be around for
a while!
I realized that we do not have to have big events to make memories.
We bake, we get silly, we tickle and have Pepa Pig Tea Parties complete
with British accents. I hope these are the memories she will hold on too.
For me my granddaughter 's laughter joy and time spent together will get
me through these tough days
26
She will remember, and you have longer than you think. I just have a feeling you two have more fun to share.
7
also, both my granddaughter and I are anglophiles. One of our pretend time activities is playing QUEEN ELIZABETH(GRANDMA) and Princess
(whatever name she's chooses on that
day)
3
love your comment
Reading these comments is very revealing of the people who wrote them at this time in their lives, who they are and their hearts’ desires. Anonymous comments make it possible.
Whether we knew we were cherished and loved, or not, we can feel that kind of love by loving and cherishing our own children and grandchildren. If our own folks didn’t appreciate or have fun with us, we have a real chance to do that with kids and grandkids. A guy who was neglected when he was young has turned out to be the kindest, most fun, best dad ever. He says “I know what I missed growing up, I know what I wanted, so now I know what my kids really want.” Kids want what we all want, young and old.
2
"And she will remember virtually none of it."
Do you remember when you learned the word "green"?
Almost certainly not. Nor the word "great", the word "psychology", the word "comma".
Yet you know those words, even though you don't remember learning them.
Similarly with grandparent experiences: your grandchild learns from those experiences, even though she doesn't remember them.
2
It's more important children remember consciously or unconsciously, that they were loved, then who did the loving.
Being loved - without judgment - is not so much a memory to be remembered, though we may recall it with fondness, being loved is a feeling beyond words. Love is beyond all memory. Love just is.
7
@Rose
Yes.
1
I read this article with such envy. I always wanted a grandparent who would unconditionally love me and pass along life lessons in a loving manner to me. Regrettably, my maternal grandmother died before I was born, and my paternal grandmother, for whom I am named, showed me very little love or patience growing up, and she lived in the room next to mine for several years before I headed off to college.
Now that I am in my early 50s, I do realize my grandmother bequeathed to me quite a lot. She made me who I am today through her negative examples throughout my formative years. She was a bigot, openly fat shamed, homophobic, small-minded, and oftentimes a phony. I swore to myself I would never be anything like her. I kept my promise. I took her negative influence and turned it on its head. You might say I am the living breathing antithesis of who she was.
So to all you grandparents or future grandparents reading this article and comments, please know that whatever path you choose with your grandkids, the influence will be lifelong in them. I am grateful to my grandmother every day for showing me exactly who I did not want to be in life.
10
We have 6 grandkids (so far). I believe we're young enough so that these kids will have some memories of us when our times come. I hope so. But, every day, we're living in the present, just enjoying the time we have together now. I much prefer that to the horrible contemplation of what they might remember of us once we're gone.
It's funny that the author talks about her time on Cape Cod with her granddaughter. We spend time there in the summer, too, and have such fun with the grandkids, running through the tide pools and enjoying the beach. I used to go there when I was young. I remember having my fifth birthday in Falmouth very clearly. So, I believe that is all time well spent in terms of what our grandkids will remember about us. But we need to face the reality that life is transient, and they might not remember us as well as we hope.
Gads, what an awful way to start the day out!
1
I miss my grandmother as much as I miss my Mom. I will never forget her, she was a big part of my life.
1
Bubbe, I have been reading your stories about Bartola for three years because I related to your love treks to Brooklyn to see her. At 70, I too have an (almost) 3 year old and wonder what she will remember of her Nonna. Thank you for expressing your insights and feelings of this blessing we share.
2
Form time in memorial the Indian joint family system integrated the elderly into family and childcare duties.
They play an important role in instilling positive values, traditions and time-tested cultural mores in young children.
21st century Indian family is an evolved amalgam of nuclear and joint families with working parents supported in childcare by hands-on grandparents. The grandparents’ home has become refuge and preferred alternative to professional child caregivers and day-care centers. With the exponential increase in number of both parents working grandparents are playing important and involved roles in their grand children’s lives, in numerous cases becoming de facto parents.
In fact it more or less revives the traditional multigenerational living arrangements that integrate the elderly into family and childcare duties. For generations, Indian joint family, grandparents have played an important role in nurturing grandchildren physically and emotionally by providing them love, security and benefit of their life experiences.
But it’s not all hunky dory. Disagreements are inevitable on food, discipline, gifts and religious beliefs. Grandparents pass on knowledge, traditional skills and good manners but on the flip side, they excuse naughty behavior and are often permissive with gadgets. The crux is to ensure that differing parenting styles do not adversely impact children. It’s important to be in sync with young generation parenting styles.
2
I'll go with Maya Angelou — 'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'
recently in a long-distance catch-up phone call with a cousin, she asked if I knew why our grandma always seemed angry
I instantly recalled staying with grandma when I was maybe 6-7yo, and with nothing to do I idly tried pulling on a door handle on a black car parked immediately outside the house
I was surprised to find it swung open to my hand - and in the moment of hesitation, my older sister rushed forward saying 'don't do that' and pushed the door with both hands slamming it shut
just happening to catch my right-hand little finger - crushing and breaking the fingernail right across the middle - to my screams of pain, she opened the door to release my trapped finger and see my finger now rapidly dripping with blood
my screams attracted my grandmother who came out the gate, and after my sister excusing herself by saying I shouldn't have opened the car door, my grandmother then took me inside and gave me a beating for doing the wrong thing
and then told me to find my own way to the local hospital - which being a small child in a strange town, I had no idea
how I felt - terrified - my key memory of my grandmother
I said my family history research - she lost 2 brothers in WWI, and her husband returned with a shrapnel wound to the face preventing him from opening his mouth - may be why she was unhappy ...
1
"Deanna Hendrickson, a retired Los Angelena, has a long list of things she wants to do with her first grandchild, due this fall: take the kid to synagogue, into a voting booth, on a road trip. Watch “Auntie Mame” and “Moonstruck” together."
It's a little more tiring and wearing than Ms. Hendrickson can know at the moment. Kids, as she may remember, have their schedules and lives.
"Pass along the art of making a decent martini (“It’ll come in handy someday,” she predicted)."
Of the top 10,000 things to teach grandchildren, this would not be on my list, unless the grandchild wants to be a professional bartender.
This is inappropriate even as an attempt at humor.
2
No goodness to a child is ever wasted, even if they go unremembered.
7
I couldn't have read this at a better time. I've been living with a neuromuscular condition that has significantly changed the way that I interact with my grandchildren who are 6, 4 and 18 months.. They are the loves of my life, and I worry about them remembering me the way I am now, rather than as the active, involved grandma that i used to be. Your words reminded me that our relationships go far beyond my physical abilities. The kids trust and love me and know that caring for them has provided me with a pure joy I had never experienced before their births. I hope that this is what they will remember when they think of their Grandma.
8
I love this because it's what I hope for as a parent. Having a sense of being well-loved for their intrinsic value is just about the only thing I care about for my kid...
What is more important in this life than knowing what it feels like to be well loved, to love well, and to recognize it and be able to step away gracefully when the situation is otherwise?
3
Grandparents stop worrying about how you will be remembered. For goodness sakes live in the present. Enjoy your life! It doesn't depend on others. To rephrase a Winston Churchill quote, "The last resort of a failed life is Grandparenting."
1
I totally disagree with the “experts:” the brain records everything. We (and children) may “forget” where some-thing is stored, but it’s there and almost anything can jar loose a memory of something long forgotten.,
Don’t make grandchildren “remember,” just keep notes of the things you remember.
It will sound silly at first but buy a 3-1/2 x 5-1/2 spiral notebook with 200 pages. Stick a $1.00 ball point pen in the spiral, keep it with you all the time and keep daily notes (making sure you date everything and add a location if you can; like “while standing in the check-out line at Ben’s grocery store…”
At the end of a month, a year and even you will be surprised at what you’ve done, places you’ve been and people you’ve met. Your grand kids will remember every moment,
3
I moved across the country to live near my son and his family after my first grandchild was born. Two years ago, her brother arrived. The move was the best decision I ever made and I am so grateful to be a regular part of my grandchildren’s lives. Sadly, my daughter in law was diagnosed with a disease a couple of years ago that is in remission now, but will likely recur within ten to twenty years. She likely will not live long enough to meet her grandchildren, which breaks my heart.
3
Alas, my maternal grandparents died many years before I was born. I remember little about my paternal grandparents. I saw them only a few times in my life that I remember; by all reports, they treated my mother very poorly, and my dad had to nearly cut them off to forestall divorce. So, a few times, Dad and I and my brothers would make the three-hour drive to visit them, and they were old, in their eighties, living in a trailer park in Phoenix. I remember being offered cold water whenever we visited, but I really can't remember any conversations, nothing of emotional substance. I have a photo of them, my brother, and myself when I was eleven years old. That's it. My grandfather died at age 93, when I was 13, my grandmother a year or two later. I'm 68 now, and there's still a hole where grandparents should be instead.
2
I lost my last grandparent well into my 30’s. Ah, but the first to leave this earth was my maternal Poppa. Oh how I loved him. He taught me to make all kinds of soups, a hobby I thorough enjoy now, still, as I near 70. He snuck us out for ice cream cones way too close to dinner! Arrived every Sunday at our suburban home from his Brooklyn apartment, bringing fresh bagels and lox and all kinds of goodies. Washed his car in our driveway. Took me on a special date once a year, to the circus. I will remember him until my last breath.
8
My father passed away last month at the age of 74. My 7 year old daughter is his only grandchild. Watching them together in the last weeks of his life was the greatest gift he could have given me. Those last conversations were an incredible gift to her as well.
She talks about being on the beach and the boardwalk with him at the shore. And I will try to help her remember how he focused entirely on her, was curious about her thoughts and feelings.
6
When I’m in the company of my grandchildren, I’m with my favorite people. As with my children, they know they are my favorite people, and that no matter what, they will always be my favorite people.
Not to an exclusion or comparison with other people in my life, but they are my favorite people and always will be.
That gives us the freedom from worry or seeking favor, or acting phony.
I am careful to respect parent/grandparent responsibility boundaries. My children are the parents who make their family decisions. I am the grandparent who respects their decisions and I’m glad I’m not making those complicated, hard decisions anymore.
I guess it’s mostly about honesty. Honesty can be a rare attitude sometimes. It’s not about criticism or anything like that. It’s about being yourself and in so doing, you invite others to be themselves, when they are in your company.
7
Nearing 70, I have 3 grandchildren, a boy 17, and two girls 11, and 7. After open heart surgery at 60, I got my littlest one, and she's the Apple of my eye. I never would have known her or she me, if I had died that day and after 9 years, I just had a small heart attack this past June, so I'm feeling time fly past really fast.
I've had an overnight with the girls since the oldest was 4, but, but with my Apple, it's been since she was born. So those first few years seems to have made difference in what they each remember but I've always told the three kids, everything can turn on a dime or of a day, "here today...gone tomorrow", so make every minute count because we have a short amount of time. They're also aware that even children are subject to death as we've had a young person die in our family.
Between iPads and cell phones, I wonder how much of an attention span kids have, so I focus on the senses. The sense of smell being the strongest. Even now, I remember my Grandma's perfume, so too with a favored Aunt. So, I let the girls use any perfume on my dresser, thinking they would pick my favorite. They do not. They each have their own picks, and that's okay too, the important thing is when they hug me, they inhale me, and I know they will always react when they smell that perfume, like I still do my Grandmothers and Auntie when I smell them. The most important thing to remember, is the propagation of a lineage, is your eternal life.
1
I took my grandson to do the things I love. Art and natural history museums, biking and hiking in the high Sierra mountains. He never balked at any of it I guess because he always thought “that’s just what we do”. He’s in college now. I don’t know how much of me he’ll remember but I’m pretty sure he’ll know these magnificent places and what they stand for.
3
When I was 32, my paternal grandmother tripped on a curb, broke her hip, and died of hospital pneumonia. It was four days before her 80th birthday, and she and my grandfather had been married for more than 60 years; he lived in misery for 11 more years. This was more than 30 years ago and I am now a senior citizen, but I still miss her in a truly visceral way. My grandparents had a few very reasonable hard and fast rules: don’t run near the swimming pool, don’t pick the fruits and berries my grandfather grew before they were ripe, no running in the house. After her funeral he gave me the simple slender white gold wedding ring she had worn for most of her life and it is my most valued possession. Even though I am now a senior citizen and she’s been dead for more than half of my life, I still haven’t fully recovered from this loss. Hazel Mae Jett (née Ericson), 1908-1988.
8
I had a close relationship with 3 of my grandparents growing up. My mother’s mother, in particular, was my person and I miss her every day. But even though I had my grandparents into adulthood - my father’s parents died while I was in college and my mother’s mother died when I was in my late 40s - what I really remember is their love. I have some memories of the things we did together, but mostly when I think of my grandparents, I remember how much they adored me.
My husband has a 4 year old grandson that we barely have a relationship with. He lives close by but his mother is not really that interested in sharing her kid. We are invited to birthday parties and other events planned by her and they will drop him off overtired and cranky for us to babysit at their convenience (which is just us trying to deal with his out of control behavior until they come back or he passes out), but that is really all she wants our relationship to be. We’d love to have “bubbe days” with him, but we work during the week and weekends are her time, not ours (unless they need a babysitter, of course). It is sad that he is unlikely to grow up with the memories of special times with his grandparents that my husband and I had growing up and that my daughter had with her grandmother.
2
I was 67 when my only grandchild, a granddaughter, was born in April 2020. As my daughter and her partner were alone when the baby was born, we formed our own bubble and went on the hour+ trip at least twice a week for a while, and now once a week for sure. M, at 17 months, calls us Omi and Poppop, and my daughter says she mentions our names often. Every time a car comes into the driveway she says "Omi Poppop?". She is the light of our lives and we share special moments every visit. I know we are special to her now, and hope to have many years ahead to keep it going. It is the most amazing experience to have the love of this child.
7
Lovely piece. For me, one set of grandparents lived far away so my siblings and I seldom saw them. One grandmother was a soft, kind, absent-minded, sweet-smelling, pastry-baking fixture in our lives. Her husband was a gruff, unsentimental man who didn't particularly like kids. We avoided him.
My own mother died long ago. It saddens me that my own daughter never got to know her. My father lived to be a ripe old age. I hope my daughter will always remember fishing, reading, and playing Scrabble with him. When his memory began to fail, she'd ignore his spelling mistakes and illegal moves and just enjoyed his quiet company.
My spouse's parents love cards. They started with Go Fish for her, moved to Crazy 8s, then Gin Rummy and Cribbage, and finally Bid Euchre. When she visits their house, she just goes right to the drawer where the cards and kept and starts shuffling. They attend every play, home soccer game and award ceremony. They're both in poor health now but I hope she will remember their kindness and generosity as well as their card play.
4
As a grandmother of four, one of whom is under my care three times a week, what I really want is to make a positive impact on my grandchildren's life as my own grandparents made on mine or my children's grandparents made on theirs. I am less concerned with whether they will remember me, which I think they will, not because of my effort so that they do, but for how present I am for them.
3
I am a new grandparent of a one year old, my first grandchild. I have to say the premise of this article is a little different from my experience taking care of my granddaughter three days a week so her mom can work. It has really come home to me that the experience of being with a young child is about the journey, not the destination, for both of us. As a mother, I worried about whether my daughter was learning, would do well in school, was keeping up other kids her age. Now i am just there. it isn't easy because sometimes the nose wiping, tantrums, and brief hugs overwhelm any "teachable moments". But, I really believe that being in the moment and giving my full attention to this little one is what it is all about, whether she remember it or not.....there is magic and value for both of us just being on this journey.
10
"The average age for an American to become a grandparent is 50"
I'm 50 and don't know anyone around here who is a grandparent at that age.
3
At ages 77 and 75, my husband and I have at last become grandparents in May. How long will we have this experience? Of course, that is always very uncertain. This article has some very good ideas to help a grandchild remember grandparents after they have gone. I will definitely take up the practice of writing a journal. Having had the privilege of babysitting a few times, it will be meaningful to me to record these experiences and I hope that the little one will read and be glad to know how much we loved her.
Thank you so much, Paula Span!
1
This is a lovely essay and it prompted me to recall the interactions my husband and I have had with our three grandchildren. When the two older ones were little, we lived close by and and even though we both had demanding jobs, we spent regular time with them. Their dad’s job promotion took them several states away so we saw them much less often. They were five and three and their younger sibling was born there. We decided with their parents that beyond visiting as often as we could, we would also try to share our love of travel with them. At the time, we both had professional jobs that involved attending conferences. If a meeting was being held in an interesting place such as Washington DC, New York, or Disney World, we would invite one ( we only took one at time so we could really make singularly special). One grandparent was attendee, the other spent time touring. We would stay the weekend so that all of us could share time together. We also scheduled trips separately from professional meetings. Each was about six when we began and culminated with an international trip when they were about 13. In all, each seven or eight trips. I made a memory book after each trip featuring pictures and narratives. At first I wrote them in third person as stories that began, “Once Upon a time.” It is reported that they became their favorite bedtime stories. I’m certain this helped reinforce the experience. They are young adults now and each has studied abroad, listing travel as a life goal
7
Our first grandchild was born last year. He is utterly perfect. We pray for more and both kids say they want a couple so, fingers crossed. We're babysitting tonight (our new idea of a really great evening!) Thank God they live in town. I never knew I could love another child as fiercely as I love my kids...age does that I think, as we realize our heart just keeps expanding. Am retiring early after this school year because I want to help provide childcare...make memories. It's been wonderful being a teacher, but now I have a new priority.
4
I was lucky to have all four of my grandparents until I was in my 20’s. I have wonderful memories that are unique to each of them. My aunt had one of my grandfathers dictate his life story when he was nearing the end of his very long life. When I hear his warm voice on those recordings I get a tear in my eye. A treasure. Now as a grandmother, I am lucky to live near my only grandchild and have the joy of time with him - reading books, building robots, exploring the outdoors, baking cookies. Nothing brings me greater joy than when he bursts through the front door, exclaiming, “Hi, Nana!”
4
It's all about when the grandparent dies or becomes nonfunctional. We saw my grandpa, my mother's dad, every week, but he died when I was 4 so I just remember snapshots in my head of what him. Similarly, if a grandparent becomes physically or mentally incapacitated early it can have the same effect. Unfortunately for many people grandparents just become kind of a fixture at family gatherings beyond early childhood. I remember not really wanting to spend hours on end hanging out alone with my grandma when she was 85 and I was 16. Just two totally different places in life.
1
We have a week-long summer camp for our for grandkids where they learn a variety of things. It ends when their parents arrive for a theatrical production the grandkids put on under my wife's direction.
4
“You only get one chance to make a good first impression”. When Emily was about 7, we made our regular 2-4 annual visited to TX from NC. One morning Emily and grandpa found themselves playing beauty salon. We were playfully and imaginary giving 10 plus dolls different hair styles. We tinted we washed and dried. We had beautician talks conversing on matter of our profession. Later in life, Emily asked her father if it was ok to like grandpa more than grandma. Her father’s answered was yes, explaining to me, grandpa did things Emily wanted to do. Grandma did things grandma wanted to do and thought Emily would enjoy. Just last week our grandson’s ages 11 and 12, from OR and just relocated to NC were offered to me, to keep them busy for the PM, while parents met other responsibilities. With these two, I needed ground rules and incentives for good to great behavior. That established, we proceeded to Caesar’s Head NC State Park. They were treated to a view at 3000 feet. They saw big birds soaring, rolling mountains as far as the eye could see, climbed down a stairway into the mountain and saw the Greenville SC skyline 45 miles away. The Greenville skyline looked magical, as if from one of their electronic games. They got something small from the gift shop, and their reward for great behavior was ice cream cones; two scoops. Given they stayed in the park free willed for about an hour, I hope that is a grandfather memory. We will see. “little things mean a lot”.
6
Many of the modern day grandchildren live in a materialistic ally, technologically and social media driven world. Their grandparents probably grew up in a different country with different culture and many times of different socioeconomic status. I have heard many grandparents complaining how little they have things in common with the grand children unless they were involved in the childcare early on, then the bond and love overcome many of the widening gaps.
1
Living half a world away from mine I have to settle for books. Nothing else; endlessly. Never gift wrapped and never sent on special occasions. They simply arrive; commodities.
Mom and dad do the rest.
4
Not mere commodities. Books are keys to discovering a world of wonder and delight!
5
Write something special in each one. Later they will remember you from not only the books but also your messages.
I have such vivid happy memories of my dad’s mom that I hear her voice in my head sometimes and it makes me smile. Her voice is the most memorable part of her — wow she had such a beautiful Southern voice. Winston Churchill once said: “The most beautiful voice in the world is that of an educated Southern woman.” While this was once true, I just don’t think it is true anymore. My generation lacks the melody in our voices that our grandmothers’ voices had. I would be interested to know how many people recall their grandparents’ voices as standout features.
3
I did not have my children until my 30's and they did not have their children until their 30's. I'm 69 and my grandsons are 1 and 7. I presume that I will not see them become adults. Families are becoming so atomized with moving for work, divorces and late child bearing. Connections that we used to assume to be central are harder to maintain over distances. It is a very joyful relationship; quite a gift. I have had the blessing of being welcomed into their lives. I am very grateful but of course fear that they will inherit a terrible world. How much their parents worry about this is very painful to see. For those who say here that people my age have done this that does not begin to address how we got here. But we are here and if we care about children we need to correct our ways. That does not mean that we can't forget ourselves in the joy of going to the zoo, for a walk, reading a book, pulling weeds for a penny each, a Saturday morning doughnut run, the library, swimming, kite flying, bike riding, kissing and hugging.
I
5
My granddaughter lives in another country. I visited 2 years ago right after she was born and assumed there would be many back and forth visits to follow. While I get nearly daily videos and we have chats on WhatsApp, I worry that when I finally get to spend time with her she'll barely know who I am. She is much safer where she is than she would be here, but it's heartbreaking to miss these precious years.
8
beautifully written ! One of your best articles Ms. Span. What a lucky girl. Yes, I don't remember before 3 years old, but I was surrounded by love from my grandparents.
3
I remember only a few things i did with any of my grandparents. But I do remember always feeling loved and safe in their presence. And I loved them, just as they were, in return, So I think you are accomplishing your goal just by being there and accepting her as she is.
7
I only knew my grandmas. Both grandpas passed away before I was born; the maternal one when mom was pregnant with me. I wish I could have known him, as he was beloved. My son is named for him. My father almost never spoke of his own father, a Prussian immigrant. I gather he was harsh. Grandma was a German immigrant. I remember her smell, her accent, kitchen table (a fold down ironing board), gulash, love of birds and tidy little home. I was her youngest granddaughter. She passed on her red hair and love of birds to me. She died when I was 9 and she was 79. I named my first born after her. My maternal grandma was an Irish Catholic mother of 12. I lived with her for 6 months in my late teens. I'm very thankful for that opportunity. She was wise. She taught me to work hard and be your best. She was brilliant, but human. As one of her 45 grandchildren, I still felt special, but no better than anyone else. She passed on her gift of gab and love of babies to me She passed at 95 when I was 31. I look forward to being a very involved and loving grandma, if I am lucky.
7
I love my husband’s grandmother. Both of us grew up in pretty dysfunctional homes, with mothers that weren’t really there for their kids. My husband’s mother was an alcoholic, and mine was chronically depressed. I met Nana when I was 25 when we first started dating, and what a joy she was to me! The food she cooked, the listening and unconditional love she gave me— it’s something I always carry with me. She loved me for me, and I was always, always, a wonderful person to her.
12
As a grandma who is lucky enough to see her twin 2-year-old grandsons a few times a week, and am madly in love with them, I revel in all the brain wiring my grandmothering facilitates. Being held, played with, sung to, with lots of cuddling, reading, laughing, tickling, whispering -- this all nurtures secure attachment and healthy development. And it doesn't hurt to make a few photo albums, but that requires someone else taking pictures - hard when you're the babysitter!
3
so - with my granddaughter, we went camping when starting when she was like 4. We had grandpa rules. Once in the park, get out of the back seat, seat in the front seat, stick your head out of the sunroof. at the campground - sure- here are some matches. play. I think these are times she will always remember. fondly.
5
I love this so much. i think you also want to consider the gift given to your child/ child in law by your presence with their child. The parents help keep those memories alive, and treasure them. I can envision your son/daughter and their spouses saying, Your Bubbe used to do x, y and z with you, and she loved you ferociously.
5
I'm a bubie and I'm crying right now. When my first granddaughter was born our daughter and son in law were living with us and my daughter was tired and feeling like a new mother and she said "I feel like I'm working so hard and she won't remember any of this" and I answered "she'll know". I didn't remember this conversation at all but my daughter did and it stuck with her and now with me. They'll know.
5
None of my grandparents understood or spoke English. Yiddish was their native language. My parents spoke Yiddish and English, but Yiddish at home when I was around, if they were speaking "grown up." Result: I saw my grandparens weekly, but it was like watching them through a screen. No memories of interacting with them, although they were alive when I was married with kids. A shame...
2
The article and many of the response assume a definition of memory that limits the trace left by past to told or tellable narratives. Based on my clinical experience, I am convinced that early events, including those that precede the emergence of grammared language, leave traces. I am drawing on accounts by several patients with stays in pediatric intensive care as infants, and there is, of course, the well known research by Bowlby on early parent loss. Often the traces of such early experiences are recast as what Freud described as "screens," sometimes later "memories" that can be refashioned to reflect the earlier trace. AGB
2
I never knew either of my grandfathers. One was estranged from the family, and the other knew me but died when I was a year old. No one ever mentioned the former and only rarely the latter. Perhaps because of this, I have no longing feelings for or much curiosity about them.
I am curious, however, about a middle ground. Is it a good thing, a bad thing or neutral to make iconic a grandparent one never knew? To speak of someone as though you should have known them and really missed something you can never experience. Sort of how they spoke of Rebecca in the 1940 movie of the same name.
2
I 've been visited my grandma every summer from elementary school year to 10th grade. In grandma's house everything is abundant--people, food, noise and laugh. In my memory, grandma was strong, determined leader of the house with very loud voice which was opposite of own mother but when ast time I visited grandma in 1971in Youngjong island( now Seoul international airport), she was soft, serene, warm not just because of aging but things I couldn't remember her other side of personality. Now at age 70, I sadly want to hear grandma's voice even in my dream and think how my own grandchildren ( age 7-14) remember me now and after I leave the earth. Just think as a grandma who send books and cloth every birthday and Christmas? Or remember me with lots of hugs and saying " love you and miss you".
7
He'll remember being a climate refugee. That's all.
3
My brothers and I spent our summers with my grandmother up until I was five. Then my parents divorced - an ugly, messy divorce, and I saw less and less of my grandmother after that. Worse still, my mom, bitter from the divorce, talked badly about her and my dad’s family. So I viewed my grandmother with some fear and quite a bit of mistrust after that. Later, as a teenager and young adult, I started to spend more time with her again and really enjoyed getting to know her. When my daughter was born, she came to see me and I have photos of her carrying her great grandchild with a look of pure joy on her face. I was glad we had repaired our relationship and that she got to meet all three of my children before she passed away 30 years ago. The most remarkable thing happened, though, when I became a grandmother for the first time a few years ago. I started remembering and reflecting back on the time I spent with my her when I was very young and so many wonderful and warm memories of her came flooding back - memories that I must have packed away in the attic of my mind. When I take care of my granddaughter, sing her songs, rub her back, sneak her cookies, let her put lipstick on, and so many other small gestures, I remembered when my grandmother did all those things with me. The early years I spent with her were forgotten for 60 years but they never disappeared.
12
My oldest daughter married at 30 and presented me with a grandson barely 10 months later. At the time, I was simply thrilled to be a grandmother at 62. Last weekend, my younger daughter (27) was talking about her partner and how she wanted children but he "isn't there yet." Then she knocked my socks off when she casually mentioned, "You know, M. and J. started their family so quickly because they wanted their kids to remember their grandparents." That had never crossed my mind but, as I think about it, my son-in-law's parents are about my age, too, so it makes sense. And I think it's the most incredibly thoughtful gesture that's ever been made in my direction.
14
What a lovely story! You have wonderful children and grandchildren!
3
Last week- completely out of context- from 3yo Grand “ThankYou for being my Bubbe”.
That will stay in my heart, soul and spirit forever.
ThankYou Paula, from one Bubbe to another.
7
You sound like a very kind and loving and perceptive Bubbe.
Might I add, climate action to your list of things your grandchild might want to remember you for?
Because Bartola may only have childhood memories of Cape Cod, not adult ones, if we as a nation and world don't act boldly and quickly to address climate change. This decade is a decisive one, whether or not we leave an inhabitable planet to our children and grandchildren, or not.
8
Nothing here about how difficult it is to be a step-grandparent. Someday I hope I will feel like I exist. The parents and the kids accept all the gifts and weekends at the beach but I don’t think I will ever feel like I fit in. Always second fiddle. It’s a hard reality. Hoping for a grandchild of my own someday.
7
Major eye roll.
1
As ones' granchildren grow older, you eventually get to hike, camp, ski, and travel with them, and attend innumerable events along with them.
We have 12 grandkids; we started early with our family, and by age 50 we had six grandchildren. Seven of our grands are adults, three in college and four graduated and on with their adult lives. Three of them are married, and one has just recently become a mother herself; our first great-grand.
.
We are 73. Our youngest cohort of the grandkids are 9 to 15. We live in the same city. I'm very sure we'll never be forgotten by any of them!
5
I can happily identify with all of the grandparents who are experiencing the joys of young grandchildren to adore and experience once again the wonder of youth.Now that our grandchildren are grown and out of college we look back with nostalgia at the good times we had.What I worry about is that our grandchildren will only remember us as old people-which we are! I hope they remember the times we made sand castles on the beach and not the times more recently when we had to schedule time with them to connect our electronic devices! Once we were young and adventurous, now we are old and trying to adjust to an electronic world -thank goodness for loving and accepting grandchildren who help us!
7
Despite a considerable distance I’ve always encouraged my kids to spend time with my parents who rarely, if ever, took an initiative to plan or travel for intergenerational get-togethers. I’m certain the humor and joke-de-vivre of grandpa was lastingly imbued upon my son and daughter.
Recently, I have felt some minor disagreement or some disapproval in some parenting decisions, parenting style, for my beloved grandchildren. I had to take stock and decide ultimately what is most important: My love. To be an enthusiastic listener, and above all be constant… no matter where my grandchildren’s lives take them.
Only one of my grandparents survived to have much presence in my life. When I was school aged, I mostly remember being anxious on the rare occasion she took me for an activity. Did this doddering lady really know how to take care of kids? (I do some math and realize she was in her late 60’s… so not “old”, but boy, I thought she was!). But in my teens and young adult hood… when she was in her 80’s and 90’s, what I remember is that no matter when I dropped in to see her, how so very pleased and happy and thrilled she was to see me. As I get older I realize it is not always a given!
While not as hands on, say, as my mother was, or I am, as a grandparent, I did learn lots about civility, graciousness and a certain sense of formality from all of my grandparents.
Who knows how my grandchildren will turn out? But what I hope is that they will know that there is always someone there ho will be thrilled to see or hear from them, no matter what!
8
I love the smell of cigarette smoke because I would sit on my grandfather's lap, who was a chain smoker, and smell the sweet tobacco scent. He died when I was 7. Although I am not a smoker and as a physician I certainly don't advocate it, I still love the smell of cigarette smoke. It makes me remember a kind, gentle soul who was always very dear to me and imparted those values to everyone he met.
11
I was so fortunate to have both sets of grandparents nearby. From what I gathered, they were not necessarily the greatest parents in the world, but they excelled at the grandparent game, in very different ways.
4
I was reading this article as my younger grandson (9) sat next to me playing some video game. I was also feeling rather inadequate. A quandary- what could we do together (he had turned down a trip to my pool or my reading aloud)? In keeping with his love of Pokémon I decided that a virtual tour of Tokyo was in order. He was thrilled because the video emphasized the Pokémon store and he could tell me about all of the characters.
5
My granddaughter is the my ray of sunshine, the greatest joy of my life. We share an unconditional, profound love. I didn’t have the joy of knowing my grandparents so I want her to have what I never had - devotion, attention and sharing the joys and wonders of our world.
11
Coco5, please consider writing her a letter telling her this and give to her when you think she’s old enough to appreciate it. As a person who had a deep bond with her grandparents, I can tell you this would be something she’d treasure always. Cheers from the end of 20.
My grandfather passed away when I was 5 but my memory of him and his presence in my life still defines me to this day. He imposed a love of reading onto me that has defined my career choice as well as how I spend my free time. Those moments matter. They will remember and miss you for their whole lives when you are gone. I feel my grandfather's soul carrying me and watching over me every day.
9
I was fortunate to grow up with nearby grandparents and remember them very fondly. I live 4 hours away from my 2 year old granddaughter. Too far and yet the little we have been able see each other ( darn COVID) she surely knows me. Face time helps. The first time she called me “Gwanma” I melted. At 70 I have the same concerns as the author but know that as the pandemic eases I will continue to be part of her life and hopefully warm memories.
5
Thank you
3
Thank you for this beautiful piece.
It touched me as a mother as well as a daughter to read words which apply so well to the relationship between my own mother and my girl, now 15.
3
Paula Span is indeed fortunate to have the proximity, family structure and free time to be with her grandchild as frequently as she does. She is correct in believing that this time together will make a tremendous difference in her grandchild's life. I grew up with four grandparents whom I saw at least weekly, sometimes daily. The difference their presence made in my own life is unmeasurable. For many reasons, not everyone has had the experience of being 'grandparented' and not everyone whose child has a child is given the opportunity to grandparent. Reading the comments of those who are estranged from their children and therefore grandchildren, or who live continents away and cannot see them, is a stark reminder to those of us who can grandparent to make the most of every moment. They all count.
10
Please may my grandchildren be nice people who are happy.
11
I work as a psychotherapist in a group home for young people aged 12-21 who are in foster care or who have aged out of foster care and need a little support so they can learn skills needed to live independently.
I was discussing parenting techniques with a single mom whose 16 year old is returning home after being removed from her home due to an argument she and her son got into which ended in her grabbing his upper arm and putting s “handprint” bruise on it.
When I asked her son what he felt other kids got from their parent that he didn’t get from his mom....he said “teachers at school in preschool encouraged parents to read to their kids at bedtime. My mom always worked 2 jobs and didn’t have time to read to me. I always thought that would be nice to be read to at bedtime as a little kid.”
So, told this to his mom. Who burst into tears. She told me the next week that she planned to call her son on her 15-minute break at work and read to him at bedtime. Now. When he returns home. Every night. Anything he wants. The newspaper. Harry Potter. Biographies of NBA players. Anything. Just give him 1:1 time that is positive.
And not be so quick to say...”I can’t do that. I work two jobs.”
It is never too late to try remedy past errors.
18
My own child is 3 and has a very close relationship with his grandparents. I think he will remember... Not necessarily things but he will remember his emotions and feelings.
I had a recent reminder of this. He was very ill at 1 year old and we had a caregiver with us for 3 months. He was 15 months old when the caregiver left. We recently saw her again after a year and a half, and he remembers. I know he remembers because he responded to her completely differently than he does to strangers and even to people he knows but hasn't seen in a long time. He was calm, smiling, cheerful, his little heart was full of love. This is how he remembers.
I know he will remember his grandparents in the same way, The love and care they feel for each other is palpable.
8
Gorgeous article. You know, it made me cry. Be content with that! The boundless nature of LOVE...
7
Thank you "science" for the ability to be alive and give memories to our grandchildren. Antibiotics, vaccines and really all medical advancements, along with healthier lifestyles.
8
Little Bartola is so fortunate to have her beloved Bubbe by her side. I had wonderful grandparents, and to this day, I miss them and think about them. I draw on the wisdom they imparted through words and actions, I prepare the food that I ate with relish at their tables - food prepared with love and care, reflective of a heritage that they imparted to me. And little did I know that they would help me understand how to be a loving, supportive, fun grandparent to my 5 grandchildren. Little did I know then that I, too, would become that link between the past and the present to help them grow and flourish into the future.
9
I have one memory of a grandparent. I was about 4. He would wake me up on cold Iowa mornings to go out and feed the livestock with him. We probably did this half a dozen times. He died when I was 5. I cherish the memory. My other grandparents were almost lifeless, through no fault of their own. The Great Depression ate them up and spit them out.
Now we have grandchildren. What we do with them is camp and hike. We want them to know that they were important to people of our generation--they mattered to us. We don't want them to remember us, necessarily, just that they mattered.
We do the same type of activity because we believe that the specifics and time-frames will be lost, but they will remember: "Grandma and Grandpa took us camping and hiking."
As retired people, we believe this is what our purpose in life is now--to let these little people know they mattered to us.
18
Sadly the Left, including my own daughter, find nothing wrong with indoctrinating and propagandizing (read "brainwash"), their children. Aside from the more important basic values I hope to help cement in my grandchildren I also hope to counteract the progressive authoritarianism being inculcated in them. Hopefully I'll live long enough to sneak them into the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, explain how wrong it is for the Democrats to accept anti-Semites like Linda Sarsour and Al Sharpton, and highlight that without full freedom of speech all is lost. Then I can expire knowing I've helped plant the seed of freedom in them and real "resistance".
3
Being a grandparent is many wonderful things but not what you just described.
36
bob...ypu cant possibly think that the GOP is free of their own antisemites and racists in general? not when Trump has pulled back the curtain on the party so effectively.
BTW, have you heard those tapes of Reagan talking about black Americans to Nixon. oh and lets not forget Nixon, the dirty racist.
Its astounding that Conservatives can be so blind and hypocritical to their own sins and sinners. its like a real affliction with you guys and gals. is it genetic, or done by an initiation ritual? or both?
31
So I see we have the appearances of the perfect, near saintly grandparents here. How refreshing...
Hmm...what will the majority of grand-kids remember...? Oh right, the family squabbles, the infighting, the favoritism, the "don't tell grandma you're gay, it'd break her heart" moments. And "don't ever bring up Uncle Will in front of gran-pa...never!"
They'll remember the way Grandma disowned their Moms several times over in their lives, usually over something trite. Or the way Grandpa cheated on Grandma, and had kids scattered all over the boroughs. The way he gambled all the retirement money away forcing them to live out their years in the basement of Uncle Tim's.
They'll recall how grandpa spewed racial epithets every time the family drove across the Cross Bronx Exp. Remember how Grandma used to bribe them go get her "candy" (cigarettes) even though she had emphysema. Upping the bribe to make sure you kept the secret.
They'll sit around the campfire and reminisce about the dirty words Pop-pop taught you and your friends. Showed you your first dirty magazine, so you'd grow up a real man. They'll recall what a dirty old man he was, and would leer at your girl friends, or any that passed by.
Some will certainly recall what a bitter, disgruntled old women Me-maw was. Never a kind word for anyone, or thing. How she manipulated everyone by periodically leaving them out of her will.
Then there are the many more who were sick and wasted away in nursing homes.
Good times!
11
@Boregard I am sorry you had experiences that have made you bitter and cynical. My parents were useless but my grandmother, though as flawed as any other human, convinced me that I was loveable and that all I had to do was make it until I turned 18 and then I could leave my parents behind---forever, if I thought it necessary to my survival.
11
fireweed. actually I never knew my grand parents. they were dead before I was born. never missed them.
what I listed were the stories of friends, etc. and my observations of grandparents I knew.
I understand that many times grand parents step in and literally raise their grand kids. my point was, not everyone, Id say the majority of people dont have those pleasant experiences. and heir memories, like most humans, are typically not so pleasant...
Ok I admit I loved the article, still miss my grandmother, love that my own are close to my parents etc, but your post made me laugh out loud because it does represent a reality about ‘family’. I didn’t see it as cynical as much as a shot of reality. Even grandparents are human and of their time. I was so close to my maternal grandmother, but she had some old world prejudices. It didn’t change the emotional bond I developed with her as a child, but it is a reminder that those we love and cherish can still be flawed. That not all their ideas are worthy of keeping or maintaining. But I still adore her and am thankful for the time she was able to spend with me. My memories of her are some of my most cherished. I hope I never forget them even as I age
13
My SIL has decided that we will not be allowed to be part of our grandchildren’s lives although they live only 15 minutes away- he never has a coherent answer as to why- he has also done this to his parents. We were very close to these children until he decided one day that the relationship was over. I worry that these kids won’t remember how much we love and cherish them. I am sad for my daughter who is being torn apart by her angry husband’s demands.
I have 3 other grandchildren I see often. This does not diminish the sadness and grief I feel at the loss of this relationship.
13
MASM. I’m sorry to say you have a lot of company in this, myself included. We were lucky to be able to spend the first several years with our grandson, but our DIL also decided we were not her cup of tea. The grandson is now 25 and I wonder if he will remember the fun we had gardening, hiking, camping, learning to use a camera, and participating in children’s theater. I fear we have been erased for good, but have kept an album which he will inherit. Knowing this is waiting for him gives me comfort.
3
I think your grandson would be happy to hear from you. It’s worth a try.
9
Last night we were the babysitters for our three grandchildren. After grandson #2 and granddaughter fell asleep, I snuggled with grandson #1, age 10. He pretended to sleep...then caught me watching him. Big smiles. Giggles. And over and over again until he finally fell asleep. Today I wondered if he would remember these bedtimes with Nana. I hope so.
11
I love and look forward to your articles, Ms. Span. My maternal grandmother is one of the most important people in my life - I feel lucky that as an adult, I can fully appreciate and tell her how much she means to me. I can sense your devotion to your granddaughter and it always reminds of my own grandmother. Even if she doesn’t remember the exact stuff you did, I promise she will always remember the love you shared.
10
I got a little weepy reading this! My dad died when my older daughter was almost 3. He blogged about her until the end -- he was so smitten! She loves to read those blog posts now. (Bartola will read your stories too!) She THINKS she remembers flying kites and drinking Del's Lemonade with him, but acknowledges that it might just be that she's seen pictures of their outing to the Newport Kite Festival. So I see it as part of my JOB as a parent to keep his memory alive -- not just for Josie but for Maxie, who I was pregnant with when Dad died. I show pictures and talk about his love of opera and lobster, his wrongful belief that he made the best Caprese salad, his dramatic readings of our Hola! Jalapeño board book. There's a Yiddish proverb: "Only love gives us the taste of eternity."
21
You can control only your time with your grandchild, so might as well live in that moment and have a good time. Memories are fleeting and faulty--live in the now with your grandchild. Your grandchild will remember you.
7
My mother in law just celebrated her 87th birthday surrounded by 4 great grandchildren, two of them from overseas. Four generations were present laughing joyfully. Great grandma teared up she had never imagined she would see this day.
The kids were experiencing boundless love, a sense of comfort security and ease that they will cherish all their lives.
13
As a Grandpa I’ll also take that....
“Bubbes play with you,” she said, launching into a short lecture .... “They give you good things to eat. They hug you.”
If I left this earth tomorrow, I would have to be content with that. And you know, I think I would be.’
14
This is such a great piece! Thank you. I am a new grandparent. Love the NYT!
3
Grandchildren are second chances for grandparents to provide a warm welcoming nonjudgmental atmosphere for children to relax and simply know that they are loved unconditionally.
16
Relax! It's not the things you do with your grandchildren that will stick most in their memory, it's feeling loved by you. Activities are great but what really matters is the cuddling, the laughs and the consoling when needed.
18
This is a lovely article, with great advice about how to create a stronger bond between grandparents and their "grands" (i learned that term when I went to my 50th high school reunion). As a psychotherapist I've heard many stories from people whose grandparents were the most significant attachment figures for them, as their parents weren't as consistently or safely available. Bartola is lucky that she's had this early bonding experience with you--I suspect it will become richer as she develops verbal skills and you can create memories together.
8
Your grandchildren already hate you because of what you have done to the planet. Nice work, gramps.
4
Only if Gramps was part of the coastal globalist community that helped China steal from us and pollute the world's environment while we set high standards. https://www.forbes.com/sites/rrapier/2018/07/01/china-emits-more-carbon-dioxide-than-the-u-s-and-eu-combined/
My grandparents were as important to me as my parents when I was a child. They shaped every good thing about me.
All my childhood memories are interwoven with memories of their stories, the food they gave me, their voices, their beliefs, values, and ideas. I think about them continually though they've been gone for years.
Mostly, I remember the tremendous unconditional love they always gave me. I have thousands of memories. Even very small moments like my grandfather wrapping me up in a blanket or waking me up in the morning stay with me. I think about the feeling of safety and joy I had with them when I interact with my children, and try to remember the songs, and hugs, and the profound impact these had as I pass them down.
My family had issues, and I have nothing physical from my grandparents due to these. I have one blurry photo, no heirlooms, no letters. It makes me sad sometimes (but mainly because the events that prevented me from having these things were so painful). But those things are not important, and my memories of the people they were are so vivid and sharp decades after they passed. They still inspire me and I know the warmth, acceptance, and care that I give my own children comes from them. I hope that my life will be a tribute to them.
224
@McQueen
Beautifully said and you already are a tribute to them.
24
@McQueen I so agree with you and so relate as you are not alone in difficult family situations with only memories of the heart to comfort you and remind you of who you are valued by the most important people and the rest does not matter. thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and experience. You are a good soul and you know why that’s a gift !
16
Stuff is just stuff so don’t feel sad that you don’t have things to remember them by. You have wonderful memories and their blood and spirit does literally flow through you, so they are with you in more tangible ways than you might realize. They are with you every day. Not trying to be hokey. It’s true.
17
Lucky me. I had one of my grandmothers until I was 51, fourteen years past the death of my mom. My other grandmother lived until I was 30. Both lived within two miles of our childhood home. I recall many happy Saturdays in the kitchen with both of them baking apple pies, peanut butter cookies, spice cakes and cinnamon rolls. I heard stories of growing up on a farm in South Dakota or as a butcher’s daughter in Denver. They sewed our clothes, cut and styled our hair, bought us paper dolls, read us stories, did gardening with us, took us camping. And relayed harrowing stories of our pioneering ancestors who crossed the prairies in covered wagons. As a child I believed everyone had two such wonderful grandmothers. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that i realized how fortunate we were to have these women (and the grandfathers!) in our lives. And next week is the due date of my first grandchild!
30
@SAE
51! Lucky you!
I was 44.
I miss the look of delight on her face when she’d open the door as I’d go visit as an adult. It was everything.
3
I had my grandmothers until I was 43 years old. And now, 10 years after they both died, what sticks with me are not the days and events spent together, but the knowledge that I had the greatest, most loving cheerleaders and mentors anyone could ask for. Love, time, interest, and effort is what they gave. I hope to follow in their footsteps, some day.
14
I read this on the day my oldest grandchild [age 10] was out protesting the lack of action on climate change. I am so proud of her. What she and her younger cousins will remember is our support of her political awareness and activism.
14
I have been close to my, now adults, grandchildren. My two grandsons stayed at my home every chance they got and as they grew into their teens, that did not seem to change.
My granddaughter likes to tell her daughters how I took her for 7 years to see the Nutcracker and never learned until an adult that I hate the Nutcraker.
I now have great-grandchildren and, although not as close to most of them due to distance.
I have lived to see my great-grandson begin college just as I promised him I would do.
As I close in to the time I will leave for good, I stress to them that my love for them doesn't end then, but will be with them for all of their lives as they remember me.
20
I live a long way from my two grandchildren, but visit them 3-4 times a year. I get on the floor and play with them, go wherever they go in the house and yard, do whatever they want me to. It’s exhausting, but worth it. If they don’t remember me, or what we did together, maybe they’ll at least feel safe and loved.
One of the kiddos is a boy who likes outer space, so I found some postcards online with beautiful NASA photos. I try to draw or paste something funny, or something we did during my visit, and send two a week (they like getting mail). Asked my daughter to save the postcards in a box after the kiddos are done with them, so maybe one day they’ll look at the postcards again and enjoy them. And remember Pops.
24
My great grandmother was orphaned at age 10 when she lived in France. She met Saint Bernadette the Spring before she was sent to America to an Aunt and Uncle in Iowa. She sang French Lullabies to my Grandmother. Later, my Great-Grandmother, in her very old age, came to live with my Grandmother in her very old age and sang those lullabies to me, when I visited my grandmother.
When my grandmother was 95, she came to live with me and we both sang those lullabies to my grandchildren and talked about all the family members we could remember.
My grandmother knew 4 of her great grand children and had
her great-great granddaughter named after her, whom she sang to in French.
Whenever I smell lilac I remember both my great grandmother and my grandmother and wonder what it was like to look into the eyes of Saint Bernadette who looked into the eyes of the grandmother of us all.
18
I am recently 62 with no grandchildren...yet. I already know that these future grandchildren will not know me to the extent my own grandparents and I knew one another and I find it sad. My eldest is already 11 years older today than I was when I had him. I hope to know these future beloved one day soon. Shalimar perfume has resided in my bathroom for over 25 years. I smell it and remember her who thought I was wonderful and amazing, who took me on walks in the woods and loved me greatly till she was 78 and I was nearly 30...Rachael whose life was hard yet powerful in percerverence. She taught me how to be a working Mom, our Rossy the Riveter with 4 little kids at home. I adored my Grandparents. Their love and lessons continue to affect my life to this day. May my hope for future grandchildren remember me fondly and kindly.
9
I was raised by my paternal grandparents from the age of six months to age four. My maternal grandmother did not like my father's family so she disliked me as well. She did not work but did not want to have anything to do with me. My paternal grandparents dotted on me. They were unconditional love personified. They did not have a lot of money, but helped people in the community in need. I do not remember much but their values define very much of who I am today.
15
When my niece was very young, I hoped we'd become close, though I lived far away and didn't see her often. So when we were together, I'd fuss over her, let her sneak into my bed late at night (with her mom's permission), give her little treats - but I didn't sense that she remembered me between trips.
One visit, another little girl and her mom came to pick up my niece so my SIL and I could go to lunch. While the three of us women were chatting, the little girl pointed at me and asked my niece, "Who's she?" My niece said, "That's my nam." We three women were puzzled - none of us had ever heard the word before, and it's not at all similar to my name. But my niece said firmly, "A nam is like a mom, but not quite - and everybody gets one. So this is my mom and that's my nam."
My niece now has children of her own, and they all call me Auntie Nam. What a gift.
63
@M.E. Auntie Nam ~ wow, that’s wonderful.
Thank you for sharing this.
I got a memoir of one of my grandfathers I hardly knew even though he was living close as men used to be less in touch with kids in the past and he was also travelling a lot, so was hardly available to anyone at home. I went to the place he was born and from there most of the way Gulag took him. I met people (or their families or traces which were left after them) he met in his life. I didn't have idea he was writing poems or that he slept in Vorkuta next to the famous Yiddish poet or that his best friend was the first editor of my favorite Czesław Miłosz. It all made more impact on me than my beloved grandmother (not his wife, the other one) whom indeed everyone loved after merely hearing about her. So to those who don't remember their grandparents well or didn't meet them or didn't have them at all: not everything is lost, you can still learn so much from the people living once and I do recommend doing it as an adult.
4
Thank you for words put to my feelings of my two dear grandchildren. We have from their first day been part of their lives - FaceTiming or in the flesh. I hope they remember how much fun they had with Mema and Papa but I’m writing them diaries of how much fun we had with them. We will probably see them graduate high school, probably not college. But oh how we love them each ‘now’ we are given.
7
What I love sharing with my 2-year-old granddaughter:
Books, books, books!!
Jazz
put down the duckie if you want to play the saxophone
Then there are the international trips, to Japan earlier this year, and Vietnam coming up.
She'll remember. We live 500 miles apart, so FaceTime is a blessing.
4
Why not explore close to home? That will be a better gift for the future than an international carbon emission trip? So your grandchild might one day have their own grandchild.
3
My grandmother meant so much to me that when it was my turn to be “Granny” , I was apprehensive about living up to that august title..... Eight years later, being “Granny” has meant many shared adventures and a wonderful friendship with a really wonderful kid. Of all my roles in this life so far, it is the one I cherish the most. I learned it from Granny.
12
I'm 77 and a few years ago my Grandson looked at me seriously and said, "Bobby, you are Very, Very, Very old."
Somewhat shocked, I asked, "Why do you say that Gerry?" He responded, "Because you have grey hair and a great moustache and then you will die."
Well, that got my attention! I wasn't going to dye my hair but thought about what I could do to change his mind. I hadn't done Pull-ups in years but gave it a try and did two. When I showed him he said, "Cool!"
With that, I was on my way. I now do a good deal more reps, at times to the positive comments of strangers and it's all recorded on a small video camera that I'll give him in a year or two. It will be my Testament to him that you can't stop Father Time but you don't have to lie down and just give up.
26
We have been living with 3 of our grandchildren for the past 4 years. They re now 3, 6 and 8. We spend lots of time with them...just a normal day to day life. I hope when I am gone and they think of me, they smile and just think about how much their Gigi loved them, and always had time for them . No special trips, no special events....just that whenever they walked into the house, I was always here. That they could count on me. And that that made them feel safe and warm. ..And, most importantly, that they were such gifts in my life. Cliche or not, they have given me so much more than I could ever give them.
19
Oh, you dear grandparents, please don't worry. You'll be remembered in more big and little ways than you realize. I'm 70, with no grandchildren of my own, but I can tell you my memories of my own grandparents are dear to me to this day. We didn't have cultural outings per se, but in summer we went to the ice cream store next to a big garden that had a peacock in it. Why there was a peacock there I have no idea. But my grandparents waited patiently with us, ice cream melting down our hands, to see if the peacock would spread its feathers, and oh, what a treat when it did! We spent hours exploring in my grandpa's huge garden (and sometimes playing hide and seek with grandpa in the cornstalks) that gave my sister and me a lifelong love for gardening. We giggled at the silly dance my grandma would do only for us when the adults weren't watching. We felt to our bones how much they loved us - when we arrived at night after the 8 hour drive from our home to theirs, we'd see my grandma jump up from her chair where she'd been watching for us to run to the door as we drove in the driveway. I can see it still. I'm sure the experts are wise in suggesting you reinforce the memories you make by talking about the elephant you saw at the zoo. But I believe the best memories will be the hugs and unconditional love they feel from you, the special people who love them like only grandparents can.
60
Grandson was two when I retired and moved to be close to family and participate. I kept him two days a week instead of him going to day care, picked him up after kindergarten, met his school bus for four years, and last year and this, I pick him up at his new school. Over the years we have read, gone to the library, to plays, movies, all parks in the area, the nature preserve, waded the little creek, stomped through the ice when it was frozen, had play dates with his friends, eaten out, painted pictures, played cards and games, and taken walks. Now we go to the gym and work out together and then I watch him play basketball. He has always been such a treat for me. He may not remember the early days, but we had those times together and at the time it made both our days and that's most important. I'll always remember pushing him in the stroller and stopping to watch a cement truck unload for someone's new driveway and patio. The guys kind of showed off their work for him and his eyes were big as saucers. Precious memories for me, little things that make life sweet. I still have wonderful memories of my own grandparents.
29
When my kids were young my parents moved 2000 miles away, effectively eliminating themselves from our lives. Not all grandparents are concerned with such things.
8
My 3-year old grand, the oldest of 6 lovely granddaughters and the only one who can have a conversation, told me that when she grows up she wants to be a grandma. I love her and them with every fiber of my being.
22
Grandma:) I keep a vase of colored Easter eggs like she made every year for her "Easter tree". She would hang these hollowed out, colored eggs on a branch in a pot every Easter. She was the only person I ever saw do this growing up. Plus, she was the only person I knew who put up an artificial silver Christmas tree every year.
But my best memory of grandma? When I was in high school, I asked my mom what ever happened to some guy named Keith that I could barely remember. I had a faint memory of wearing a tuxedo, holding a pillow, mom in a white dress, and Keith in a uniform. His face was missing like a person who had cut his face from the picture.
Mom screamed at the top of her lungs - "I never want to hear that name again!!" Wow.
Ten years later, mom and I went to visit the grandparents. She sat in the kitchen talking to grandpa while grandma got out the photo albums in the living room. She would flip over page after page explaining every event. And as she went to flip a page, she looked over her shoulder to see if mom was still yakking in the kitchen and in a very graceful move, she flipped the page, leaned in and said, "oh look, here's a picture of your mother the second time she married Keith". There I was, in a tuxedo holding a pillow with a ring and mom in a white dress and "Keith" in a uniform.
God, I miss my grandma!!!! I miss hanging out the back window of her Zephyr flying down Indiana country roads dodging Amish buggies.
14
How about leaving them an inhabitable planet?
Just a thought.
14
Greatest fear I have is that my grandkids will think that my generation robbed them of the advantages we Boomers had been given by our parents and grandparents (who sacrificed so much for us and our countries legacy) simply out of sheer greed and self entitlement.
9
My grandfather died when I was 5 years old. I have a distinct memory of sitting with him in his recliner by the fireplace and him feeding me M&Ms from a bag in his suit jacket. Whenever I think of him I can see it happening in my head. It's the only memory of him that I have, but it is very vivid and leaves me feeling happy.
20
When my grandmother was loosing her hair to cancer, she wore 2 wings at a time, tilting one to one side and to the other with a beret on top. I was so frustrated, "Grandma, that's looks ridiculous!" to which she replied "Honey, everyone knows I'm bald, why not have a little fun?". I remember so many lessons my grandmother taught me, but being able to love myself and laugh at the same time, was by far my most valuable.
16
I had the privilege of knowing one grandparent, my maternal grandmother. I was born "late in life" in terms of my parents' age. My maternal grandfather died in the influenza epidemic that followed WWI. My paternal grandparents did not live long after my father came of age.
I lost my remaining grandmother when I was 4 years old, but I remember her for her cooking and how much she loved me -- her youngest grandchild (I was actually second youngest, but that grandchild was born a month before she passed).
In my home office I have a small figurine of a baseball player at bat. I loved baseball when I was young (I still do). This figurine belonged to my grandmother, who, in her broken English, likely had a hard time pronouncing the word "baseball." But she loved the sport, too.
My mother, her eldest child, always the proper one, told me how I whined and cried until my grandmother gave the figurine to me.
Sixty years later, it remains one of my most prized possessions. I still remember my grandmother and will never forget her.
15
There are so many lovely grandparent ideas in the comment section. My parents were immigrants, so my grandparents were 3000 miles away and we only saw them a couple times, I was jealous of my friends with grandparents. My in laws were wonderful grandparents to my kids, they were always the center of attention. Grandma is still alive and kicking at 93 and has a great relationship with my middle daughter. I really look forward to becoming a grandma!
3
I have worn the same perfume for ten years because I want my grandsons, after I am gone, to hopefully now and again catch a whiff and remember me.
I still have a very old bottle of Youth Dew that I take out to smell because it reminds me of my own grandmother.
139
@Karin
No children or grands ... but oh, on the Youth Dew!
I still have what remained of my Mom's 'dresser sachets' ... little Youth Dew scented disks that she would add to bureau drawers and the like ... and 22+ years later, every time I open those (still) paper-lined drawers, or run across something special she imparted with one ... it takes me right back.
Fragrance is so evocative. Thank you for reminding me to also take the time to get back to this lovely memory in my own home. Miss you, Mom.
21
@Karin I love this! My bubbe died when I was 14, and I took her bottle of Shalimar from her vanity. I kept it for years, though I didn't particularly adore the scent, because I so associated the pretty bottle with being at her house, and it smelled like her. When I went to college I threw out the bottle and bitterly regret it.
16
Me, too! Estee Lauder perfumes are pretty powerful. I keep a bottle of my late mother's favorite scent--Azuree--on my desk and open it up every once in a while for a whiff of comfort. I wear my own favorite whenever I spend time with my precious grandson.
6
The article and responses are lovely.
Unfortunately, and I am far from alone in this, I have been estranged by my adult child and am kept from seeing my grandchild whom I simply adore.
There is no legal recourse in the overwhelming majority of state laws.
I carry a mountain of guilt and am skirting depression most of the time. Mental illness of the spouse of the adult child is the underlying cause on my case. I have tried every tactic recommended but the ball is in their court and it's not moving.
But the memories y'all have shared are very moving, and I thank you.
31
For those of you who seem to believe that the writer’s focus on an intimate family relationship demonstrates a disconnect with the political exigencies of the ‘real world,’ remember this: “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” The values of decency and integrity and active involvement with the world we live in derive from our upbringing, by the attitudes and actions of those elders we love and admire most.
38
I am one of the unfortunate grandma's that have three grandchildren whom their mother has made certain I have as little contact with as possible. I feel extremely sad about this. I send presents and try to let them know I am here and thinking about them.
Sometimes life is not fair and things don't unfold the way you hope they would. I wish there was an article about how to deal with estranged relationships when parents hold grandkids away from longing grandparents.
18
@Martie Anderson
There is the organization AGA (alienated grandparents anonymous) that can give you some solace.
They may have a support group in your area.
6
This sounds like to much work. I simply want my grandchildren to feel the love and always remember it.
6
Claire, my grandparents were the best part of my life—both growing up and as an adult. The special thing they did? They loved me for no reason beyond the fact that their son was my father (and not even the father I grew up with).
My grandmother died suddenly and unexpectedly four days before her 80th birthday (I was coming up on 33), and I was devastated. My grandfather hung on for another 11 years, and though it was easier because he was nearing 90, I was still very, very sad. I’m now 63 years old and I still love and miss them both. They were the sole source of unconditional love I’ve ever known.
23
I have lots of early memories, and I think my first memory is of my maternal grandmother lifting me out of my crib (seeing the crib slats go by in the sun). She died when I was 3 and I have a very warm feeling about her to this day, 70 years later.
14
We hosted our French grandchildren for six weeks in the US, every year for 9 years. We started when they were 5 and 7. We gave them entire American childhood experience from all the Red Cross Swimming Lessons, art camp, piano lessons, nature camp, all the Harry Potter Books, sleep overs, tubing on the Chattahoochee, and so much more.
It was a compete joy to us. Their English is perfect, now. of course, and we taught them all we could. They will remember it. But we did it for ourselves primarily.
We are only remembered for two generations, max. In the time frame of the world, it isn't important to be remembered.
But loving our children, and their children has enriched our own lives immeasurably.
41
@elained Which is most important after two generations--to be remembered or for our example of unconditional love to be absorbed and passed on to all future generations? Enriching our own lives is wonderful but secondary.
4
Thanks for this article. I retired and moved to live near my two grandkids while they were young, 3 & 5. They are now old enough to remember me, and I hope to have even more fun with them before I'm gone. The fun part is for my benefit, really. And the rest is to be of help to busy two career parents, by getting kids to school, home from school, covering sick days and some school vacation times. I hope my son and DIL remember me and I hope my pitching in adds to their satisfactions in life and in each other.
23
You are my dream grandparent for my children! Everyone lives far away,. My mom died of ovarian cancer early and my wonderful mother-in-law moved further away when my children were little. Now my FIL is moving even fiurther away. It will be a 2 times a year relationship.
I grew up my with grandmother living in the same town and we were very close as a result. She didn’t babysit us but she would stop by for a cup of coffee after school for a quick visit, we would have dinners together, all holidays and school events, and as a teenager I could walk to her house just for my own visit with her. She was a rock in my life and I so wish my children could have the same. I know it will be a priority for me when my boys have children!
11
Far and away, the most important thing you can impart to a loved one is a sense of total, unconditional love and acceptance. That forms the basis of healthy relationships with others, as well as a solid sense of self with appropriate boundaries. Everything else is gravy, or noise.
34
Thank you for this beautiful article. I was not close to any of my grandparents and, therefore, was astounded at the intense love I feel for my grandsons. We are with them two days a week while their mother works and hopefully are instilling curiosity about the world, enjoyment of the outdoors, and a love of new experiences. The love between grandparents and grandchildren is like no other.
18
I am a nanny, not a Bubbe, and have been involved in caring for a number of children under 3. I’m still in touch with one young man who has just finished a masters degree and his mother. Recently I emailed her to share a memory that came to me when a current charge, 20+ years later, discovered the Beatles at age 5. She forwarded the message to her son and let me know that he remembers my presence and support the year he was 2 1/2 and she was in chemo for aggressive breast cancer.
Love on, all you Bubbes, know that you are leaving bright shining channels in those children blessed with your presence.
22
Oh my --- another wonderful column, Paula. I appreciated the notion that what we hope to leave with our grandchildren are special memories, and also the specific tips on helping to cement those memories. A friend recently asked if I was preparing scrapbooks/photo albums. I am so NOT crafty (this friend is an artist, among other things). But I have no crafts, etc. from my own grandmother and I could not possibly have loved her more, nor carried more meaningful memories.
I do wish my 7 year old grandchild were less rambunctious. I'd love to take her to some of the many concerts I attend but it's hard for her to focus and stay still. Perhaps in another year.
I've just started reading the other comments. So far, as is typical of responses to your columns, they are precious value added to the topic.
9
Great article! Being a grandparent is one of the best experiences in life. Thinking about what your grandkids will take away from knowing you is worth pondering. Thanks!
9
When my husband was dying at age 64 or prostate cancer, we had our 4 grandchildren. One was only about 10 days old when he died; her older brother was only 13 months old. Sadly, those two grands will never remember Poppa as they were too young, and the eldest only saw him a few times before he died, as we lived far away.
But the other two were just 5 and not quite 3. The one who was 5 (now 19) remember him pretty well; the one who was not yet 3 and is now 17, is not sure what he remembers and what he has been told.
My husband's greatest concern was that they would not remember him at all, and they all meant the world to him. We have all done a very good job of talking about Poppa all the time, and talking about how he would react to various events in the children's lives. He's very much "alive" to them in this way.
My eldest grandson, now a college sophomore and total math geek, recently said that he wished Poppa was still alive so they could have wonderful geeky math conversations. My late husband had been a secondary school math teacher. This grandson imagines those conversations in his mind.
Love and time will build memories. And those left behind after one is gone, talking about the person and those memories will help as well.
166
@India
Beautifully said ... as a Volunteer Math Tutor, I can especially relate to your eldest Grandson’s thoughts.
6
@India My brother died six weeks ago from a ferocious cancer that took his life in just eight months. He left behind a three-year old grandson and an eight-month old granddaughter. His greatest anguish was that they would not remember him. At his service it was said that we all die twice, when our body ceases to exist and when nobody says our name anymore.
11
My grandmother died suddenly when I was 4 and a half years old. I was the first grandchild so I got her full attention, adoration and love. I was her “golden boy.” I have only one real memory of her that I have carried with me for 55 years. I was napping in my grandparents sunroom on a small loveseat. I remember her sitting next to me and smiling and talking to me quietly. I remember smiling back and laughing. I remember feeling the power of her love for me and her complete focus and attention on only me. I felt completely safe and accepted and special. I remember how much love I felt for her in that moment and carry it with me to this day. That love is the only thing that matters.
415
Well done....well remembered, Andrew.
Your grandmother would be over the moon if she read this memory of her.
55
I believe our grandchildren will wonder why we were so indifferent a dying planet they will inherit when we have known since the 1970's that our way of life was and is bad for the overall health of our people and our planet we call home.
9
I spent countless hours with my maternal grandmother. She was the single, greatest influence on my life. Many parents, are harried, stressed, and so, so busy. Mine were particularly stressed, anxious and fearful. I remember my grandmother's apartment as an oasis from the cacophony and chaos of my own house. Never underestimate your ability to have a powerful and beautiful effect on your grandchildren.
17
Our two children were lucky enough to have 4 grandparents who lived to combined age of 385( not a typo) and have many wonderful memories of their grands. As life would have it, my first grandson was born 3 months ago when I was 73. I hope to see him grow up into a real person. His parents will teach him well and I'll try to have some value added somewhere along the way.
10
You captured my feelings exactly. We love them so much and want to imprint that love on them so we will be remembered with love. I’m also just happy that I have such wonderful memories of the times we have together right now. They bring such pleasure to our lives!
11
The key to being remembered is the quality of time over quantity.
Kids remember a special moment.
Too many grandparents try "to Hard." Not only ruing the parents time to be parents but instilling all the grandparent's garbage into the grandchild.
Grandparents do everyone a favor have hobbies. Share the hobbies and respect the parents right to have a family.
6
@Marc
I'm sorry for your obvious negative life experiences. Not every grandparent, let alone parent, is cut out to be like the ones portrayed here. There are broken relationships, lost jobs, divorces, meddling in-laws, and a host of other stressors that can adversely affect family relationships. I wish you well.
7
The joy of grandchildren Is simply being with them fully, in the moment, with the unconditional love we give to them and receive from them. We do not need to be remembered.
21
Ahh, but the beauty of brain growth of 0-3 is that it is the RIGHT (non linear, non logical, creative, wholistic) brain that is doing 90% of the growing.
Bubbe days tell the R brain, "you matter." They tell the child "you are wonderful, you delight me, you are important, you can count on others, there is continuity, laps are cozy, books are fun, laughter connects you to other people" etc etc etc..... nothing could be a MORE important "memory" than a kid feeling a right brain sense of mattering and being inside the circle of love.
49
@Megan
I agree.
It's an over-simplification to say that "we retain very little of what happened before we turn 3." And I'm not sure that that's what Freud meant by "childhood amnesia," since he insisted on the centrality of early experiences (if not of conscious "memory") in lifelong development.
On the contrary, learning in very early childhood does not consist only of remembered verbal or visual memories. Much deeper lessons are "retained" about, for example, security, empathy, self-worth. As the writer so eloquently shows in the rest of her piece...
13
What a lovely, empowering message. So well put. Thank you!
I reckon what our grandchildren will remember is the people of our generation caused the planet we live on to become seriously ill and stood by doing nothing while species died off and corrupt politicians and extremely wealthy businesses raped the planet of resources for their own extreme profit. They will wonder what the hell was wrong with us that we valued convenience and shopping over all else.
105
@Laurie Thanks for saving me the trouble of saying that. I find it baffling the times would have the tone deafness to publish this when thousands of children are striking today to save us from the climate disaster. I will add that by the time the grandchildren are adults, they will remember with horror that their grandparents took them to a zoo to gawk at captive animals.
19
@Laurie
Completely agree, but that is not what the article is about. The point is about influencing your grandchildren and leaving a positive impression on their lives. So take your grandchild on hikes so they learn to appreciate nature. When they are older they hopefully be someone who has respect for the planet and will work in their own way to preserve it.
72
@RRLook to yourself to do the right thing while you are here it is all any of us can do if you are aware and you want to make a difference take action it is the only thing that changes anything regardless of how overwhelming it feels just do something and show your grandchildren how to be awake and alive in this world and what to do to work to trim tab the future not proliferate the past move forward
7
My grandma lived until I was 31 (I was very lucky), and I remember so many wonderful things about her. When I think of her, I honestly just feel love and warmth from the earliest memories to the last. Although she lived seven hours away, when she was with us, we were the only thing that mattered - and this is what I remember most. She loved card games, chocolate, discovering a new tasty store bought chocolate treat (she hated to cook), relaxing in the late afternoon sun with her feet up, and just BEING with us. She was thoughtful and caring. I have so many wonderful memories of her and I hope I take after her in pretty much every way. I talk of her to my kids a lot and feel like she is living on in my heart and through my actions. Grandparents - you matter and are making an impact - just by being there and being fully present, you will build lasting memories for your grand kids.
219
I have 4 grandchildren and have journals that I've written for them since they were born. The journals are combinations of photos, stories and notes to them about what they were like, etc. vignettes about school, our times together, what they talked about, etc.
I write in each of them about 5 times a year...always on their birthdays and the holidays. Recently I've shared the journals with the older ones (they are 6, 7, 8 and 9. And they are so interested!
126
@sue What a beautiful think you've done for your grandchildren!
14
@sue I’m doing the same thing with my two granddaughters (3&5). Two more grands are due next year, and I hope to continue the tradition with them as well.
I’m not very consistent about writing in these journals; but, I’m hoping that by the time I hand them over, they’ll be filled with enough stories and memories of Grammy to keep my memory alive.
My first was born when I was 64, and I realized then I probably wouldn’t live to see her as an adult. I’m trying to get as much in between now and the inevitable.
4
What a great idea...I think I'll do that! Thanks!
I’m 65 years old and although my favorite grandmother has been gone since I was 23 (died on my birthday no less— I’m convinced a way for me to never forget her, as if I could), I live with strong memories of her from babyhood to young adulthood. My mind is forever with images, sounds, and smells of her — hands while we shaped meatballs, the songs she sang, the perfume she wore, her laugh, her hands cradling my face, the warmth of a hug. And time together as I grew up. Time is the key.
184
@Jammer
Thank you for such a beautiful reply.
12
For the people lining up to turn this into a political, anti-boomer moment, you are demonstrating the same kind of lack of empathy and humanity that you profess to be so offended by.
This piece wasn't about what this person wanted for herself, it was about what she hoped she could give to her grandchild.
"When we think about legacy, what we leave behind as grandparents, probably values top the list: We hope we will have transmitted lessons about kindness, justice, strength and confidence, the boundless nature of love."
Her hope is that she can help instill a sense of personal security in the child and the ability to form attachments to other human beings.
Perhaps those out there who can see this piece only in bitter, inter-generational, political terms, or as an expression of some form of self involvement or narcissism, never had the benefit of a positive grandparent relationship.
Lastly, at the risk of feeding the political response to this article, I'd suggest that based on the author's demographic, you are attacking the wrong person. Jewish turnout is higher than average and overwhelmingly liberal/democratic. I'm reminded of the young volunteer for a conservation group who stopped me on the street. When I asked him whether he voted for Hillary, he said "no, but she wasn't going to save the environment either."
And so, I suggest you expand your search for responsible parties.
19
Complete agreement with your articulate comment. It was sad to see commenters turn something so nice into a negative. And to add, I have 4grandchildren ranging in age from 27, 23, 18, &almost 15. I became a grandma at 50 and recall the high level of energy I had then....roller skating along a beach walk while pushing a stroller, going on outings. I took care of the two younger grandkids for years while parents worked and like Bubbe, I hope for everything she hopes for with her granddaughter. And to add one political statement, I told both of the younger kids the day after the 2017 inauguration, “Long after I am gone, remember I told you that Donald Trump is the most immoral, and worst person to have ever been elected President.”
17
"When we think about what we leave behind as grandparents, we hope we will have transmitted lessons about kindness, justice, strength and confidence, the boundless nature of love."
You can hope all you like but in this sad old world, whether in the confines of family or out on the street, yours is a forlorn hope unless you actively, aggressively, specifically, unreservedly spread that justice and that love around like honey on a warm muffin.
Our black hole of a national morality turns dreams like yours into personal quirks, idle fluff from a loser's brain.
We Americans know, to the very core of our being, that only money, and only increasing money, matters.
The idiosyncratically loving personal relationship may be very nice, but when you talk about American life, you're talking about cash.
It doesn't have to be this way, there decided signs of dissatisfaction among the riff-raff, but to make it count, to change your grandchild's world, you're going to have to go flagrantly, exuberantly, unendingly public.
it doesn't matter whether or not your grandchildren remember you personally. Love them, guide them, be there for them when you are wanted or needed and you will have contributed to them and the world.
4
I think that what I did do is going to be lost , or already has been, in the years following to 'replacement' people not related but highly valued. The maps and books and posters I sent--what a thrill to open mail--was a memory not created on the other end. Her grandfather, who gave everything, I hope is remembered by recalled how I explained his absence, by being in heaven and her sharp little mind came back with: Grandfather's an angel!
I had hopes of cultivating school and nature canoe trips, but as I get older, perhaps my biggest comfort from my granddaughter will be my own imagination, where we went on outings together, examined mouse houses together, imagined the petals of a flower opening in the morning dew, watched our reflections in the mirrored surface of the water passing by the canoe through an eagle clouded sky. They happened in my mind and the stories I made --Chequamegon Little Bear--are deeply comforting to me.
It was not my choice to miss my granddaughter's life, but others who took malicious pleasure in depriving me.
5
@katesisco
Oh, this makes my heart ache for you.
6
@katesisco: I have a friend in the exact same situation. I hope it comes back to bite the ones responsible!
1
@katesisco Your post made me cry. My hopes of being a part of my two little grand daughters were dashed when my son moved a thousand miles away without notice. We were only two hours away and he could have brought the grands to spend some time with us before they moved but did not bother to do this. Since then, he has not responded to texts, emails, calls, no nothing, thus cutting off my link to them. While raising him, I was not a good mother, occupied as I was with adjusting to a new country, trying to pass all manner of qualifying exams, and in an abusive marriage, without recognizing it as such For this, I have apologized many times to him but perhaps not enough. I accessed websites for rejected parents, but my foray into them was chilling as competing websites totally ignored the hurt of grandparents to instead focus on how how narcissistic the grandparents must have been as parents and deserve the disconnect. My other children keep trying to encourage me that their brother will reconnect, that I need to hang in there, but I feel so hopeless. I take comfort from thinking the grands are happy and do not miss me because if they did, it would make them sad. Thank you for your describing how you use your imagination to cope. I am afraid that my two grands have forgotten me already, but my memories of times we spent together will only perish with me.
As an immigrant who came to the U.S. as a child, I did not grow up with grandparents. My children, on the other hand, have grandparents on their mother's side, and the grandparents are a big part of their lives. Having a front-row seat in their growing up, I have come to realize how essential grandparents are to their development. As parents, much of what we do with our children are somehow bargained or qualified: "If you do this, you get that." This is all part and parcel of disciplining children and raising them up as decent members of society. However, grandparents can give much more unqualified love and generosity toward their grandchildren, reminding them that there are people who love them without caring about whether they cleaned up their room or ate their vegetables. Most parents I know are astounded that their parents are capable of giving such unqualified love and generosity to their grandchildren--they sure didn't receive it! But, this all speaks to the unique role that grandparents can play.
Under more difficult circumstances, I saw many grandparents who had to step in when the parents were unable to care for their children. In America today, all too many grandparents have to parent again as their children deal with personal crises. In these situations, grandparents are often the thin line between having a loving home and ending up in foster care. God bless these grandparents.
12
My five-year-old granddaughter, as a result of her father remarrying, has more sets of grandparents than anyone else I know. She has us, her dad’s parents, my former daughter-in-law’s mother and her husband plus her father and his wife, and my daughter-in-law’s parents. All of us love this little darling and she spends time with all of us. I hope her memories will be how much love that surrounded her.
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The year our first grandchild was born was my annus horribilis; I had been very sick, hospitalized for a month and was rehabbing when he was born in the Fall. Of the many medicines, balms and treatments I had received, none was as comforting or effective as holding that baby and experiencing the unconditional love that I think is special and unique to a grandparent. My wife and I were fortunate enough to have spent a lot of time with him in his preschool years, picking him up from daycare, nursery school and kindergarten, being the go-to babysitter for my daughter, and we have stayed close and involved through the years as he grew to an intelligent, handsome young man. Being an active, caring, loving and involved grandparent has been and still is one of the great joys of my life!
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Dear Bubbe, as a fellow grandparent, may I point out that being a Bubbe is not all about you? Oy!
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@Claude Vidal
This article was not about grandchildren but about the experience of being a grandparent. I resonated with it quite deeply and appreciated the expression of the complex emotions that I feel around caring for my beloved granddaughter.
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Wonderful primer for a modern granny often just winging it.
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There's also complementing their parents as they have enough on their plates and can't do everything. So we fill in some cracks, involving modeling, asking questions, and, as age-appropriate, passing on some life lessons. There's also, in my case (although her uncle is also good at it), "being stupid," as that usually gets attention and sometimes contains a lesson.
Hey, if someday she discovers something amazing that benefits humankind and was there all the time, hidden under the surface, maybe it was because I hid toys under my shirt and she noticed them sticking out.
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What your grandchildren will remember is that you left them a environmental disaster. They will not think kindly of such a selfish generation, especially when they come across a photograph of you with your SUV or pickup truck.
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What a beautiful article. I completely relate, I had begged my own parents for 10 years to write down and save their stories somewhere for my own children someday, but it always seemed to be a chore for them. I thought it would be the biggest regret of my life if I didn’t get their memories saved. Ended up leaving my job and building Keep Life Stories to try and make it easy for them. A year of getting their memories saved. Best year of my life.
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Boomers could have left their grandkids health care, gun free schools, retirement pensions, affordable college, arctic ice, fish, birds and bugs but they didnt.
instead they wish their grandkids had "more memories of me."
Sounds right for the "Me Generation"
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@chris Sorry, Chris, but millions of us have worked tirelessly for all the things you mentioned - we can’t be responsible for the right-wing nuts who have fought everything good we’ve fought for - and still fight for. You are so wrong. The selfishness you write about was an attribute for some, but not all of us. At least many of us can leave our grandchildren with our fighting spirit and with a love for wonderful things - that’s what we are, not the “me generation” you so wrongly call us. I recoil when I read something like you wrote - it just isn’t most of the people I know.
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@chris
In 2016, turnout among 18-29 year olds was a little over 40%. Turnout for 30-44 year olds was a little over 55%. Turnout among 65+ year olds was a little over 70%.
So what's your generation? The "I don't care" generation? Or the "I can't be bothered" generation? Or the "she wasn't cool enough" generation?
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No kids should miss out on the love of parents and grandparents. But in addition to building memories, help to build legacies too. Seniors have the most free time to be politically active. Fight for your grandkids on climate, healthcare, childcare, clean air & water, pay equality, racism, etc. For the grandkids remaining days, their loving memories of you will compete with their daily struggles to survive on this little blue planet.
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Our three-year-old grand-daughter and her parents live with us for now. We spend a lot of routine, happy time together. I know, with some wistfulness, that she'll have little recollection of this when she's older and her grandfather is gone. That's okay. She will have been well-loved and so will I.
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My daughter,who became a meth addict in an attempt to control her bipolar disorder, lost her ability to live the struggle of her life and ended it, I stepped in. I believed in the life she had started with two very young children. I gave up my life and lived hers with out her in it. It was deeply challenging and I would do it again in a second. My grandchildren are woven into my heart.
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I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is a life altering experience. I give you grace for stepping up for your grandkids. I feel that is one of the purposes of grandparents to step in when their grandchildren need love, safety and a reassuring face.
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And you are woven into theirs. I hope any mother reading this would do the same for her daughter’s children. Bless you!
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Two years ago after my Mom died, my son, who at the time was living in MN, called me asking for my help. Getting that big promotion meant moving to AR and with the second baby due in November, they had no one to be there for their oldest, at that time was one and a half years old. So off I went at the end of October, lived in temporary housing, baby came two days after Thanksgiving and moved into their new home the beginning of December and I went home one week before Christmas. During that time it certainly had its ups and downs and as I have said the one and half year old behaved better than the adults and that included me. So in the middle of January, my son calls again asking if I can come and stay for two weeks to help. Off I went and as I was waiting for him at the airport, there comes my son holding my Blaire, and she reached out to me with tears in her eyes and said,"miss you". I still get tears in my eyes when thinking about this. Great article Paula as always. Thank you.
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I’ve taken my now 8 year old grandson to family camp every summer since he was 2. He’s made a special friend who he sees there once a year and talks about it all year long. It’s one of our special times together and we both treasure it. I’ve taken him to children’s theater, his first broadway show, museums, the beach. We’ve cooked together and just hung out. What could be better?
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I know people who have forbidden their children to be seen by their grandma. The reasons are extremely silly. No abuse, mental health or anything like that. Just plain stubbornness. Those people have bullied grandmas with grandchild relationships and grandmas have succumbed and shed it off numerous times just to get on with things when they can.
In the meanwhile, these grandkids are missing out on so much love, kindness, creativity in this ever changing world, provided by their grandmas.
Life is so short, but can be so cruel. Time and experience never to be restored or enjoyed in Grandma world is hard to understand.
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@MIMA, Curious how grandma treats her own child. Could that be the reason for the "stubbornness"?
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My first grandchild is now 6 months old, as I am on the far side of 65
I think about this issue a great deal and I hope that little Austin will be able to have some memory of me as we try to figure out what to call me
If this isn't a reason to want to live to see another day, I dont know what is.
I never knew my grandparents, but my children had an excellent and loving relationship with theirs that I'm desperate to clone, especially as I see my own father's behavioral traits and characteristics appearing and having made a positive and lasting home in my own kids.
We as humans want to know that we're more than just ephemeral beings. I know that my father's memory will be completely forgotten in 50 or so years, but I'm comforted to know that some of his behaviors will reside in my grandchild
Maybe the same will be true for me and my great grandchild and then into yet another generation
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@LaGruel I’m 72 and expecting my first grandchild in 4 months. My mom and dad both lived to 87, so I have been thinking, well, I hopefully will make it another 15 years. However, I got up this very morning and thought, “Why not make it another 25 years (to 97) so I might even see a great grandchild?” I have no clue how long I’ll make it - but I increased my ambition this morning to another 25 years!!! Think big!!
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I don't have kids - but as part of a retirement something to do plan I started volunteering with after-school childcare one afternoon a week. It gives me a transcendent joy as I imagine grandparents also.
The other day an enthusiastic girl, after dancing with her friend in front of me and making up a song chant with my name in the refrain, she said to me 'remember four years ago when you used to [some small thing I forgot] ... ?'
I didn't - but she did ...
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You're a fine soul, Frank Brown.
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Your lucky grandchild will remember you. Most of her memories will come from her parents. All of my grandparents died long before I was born and my parents memories of them are negligible. My maternal great grandmother passed only two years prior to my birth. My "memories" of her come from my older siblings and my mother. I do have wonderful personal memories of my father's Aunt Grace, who raised him after he was orphaned. Those memories are reinforced by my siblings and parents memories of her.
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Different from topic of this piece, but I made the following comment two years ago, ahead of the March for Science:
If you knew your grandparents, thank science. Non-scientists sometimes have difficulty clearly seeing how science has directly affected their lives, perhaps partly because research advances may take years to impact progress. Yet, one way to appreciate this progress is to realize that knowing your grandparents used to be rare but now is common.
My own experiences serve as a case in point. My mother’s parents died before I was born in the 1950s, of tuberculosis in her 40s and a stomach ailment in his 50s, both currently preventable diseases. Yet, average life expectancy was not much older when they were born, as dying of similar diseases in “middle age” was common.
By contrast, my father’s parents died when I was a young adult, after I had come to know them well. They lived into their 90s, thanks to advances in public health and treatments for chronic diseases of old age, greatly aided by the rise in federal support for research since World War II.
Everyone, especially voters, should bear in mind this past progress, and the promise of similar future progress, when politicians talk about their support (or lack thereof) for federal funding of science.
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@KenP I think about this frequently with my own family. There were some emotional issues my elders had that were due to the fact they were deprived of one of their parents by sickness or early death. It is *pervasive* throughout my family that the adults had some trauma in childhood because of illnesses that are now easily prevented by modern medicine. We are so very, very lucky to live in this time where these tragedies occur so much less often.
2
I have followed your stories about Bartola with great relish. You and I are the same age, but my Bartola is just turning one. I live for my twice a week visits to her, and I only hope this Nonna sees her through her teenage years. It's a love like no other, as they say. Thank you for reaffirming that belief.
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This made me tear up. My youngest grandchild turned 1 this week, and during our Happy Birthday Facetime, she smiled and reached out to the phone. (To me!) I was able to capture a screen shot, and it brings me JOY every time I look at it. This article reminded me of how old I’ll be when she reaches 18, so at 63, you can imagine that I plan to spend every possible moment with her. Thanks for reminding all us about the blessings of cherishing the present.
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Very nice essay. The time put in when they are little, absolutely pays off as they grow. My older set of granddaughters, now in their mid twenties, greet me with joy. The younger set (that daughter waited a while before having twins, now 8 1/2) are very close, as I have made the 100 mile journey to them every few weeks. These people are a lovely part of my life.
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“She was the sweetest person I’ve ever known”
I had asked my precious Daddy to tell me about his mother, my Gramma, trying to revive old memories when Alzheimer’s was taking him away from me by millimeters. But his flash of remembrance brought my own back around me in a rush—the softness of her bosom as she folded her arms around me, the sweet smell of warm yeast when she got up long before the rest of us to make bread, the oatmeal cookies, separated by sheets of wax paper, that always filled the low plastic bin on the counter by the back door, so soft you had to fold them in half before taking one for each hand as you headed out to play.
She taught me that there is no reason for sharp words when soft ones would do, no reason for criticism in lieu of kindness. She taught me how a gift costing no more than a nickel could make someone’s heart sing when it showed the recipient she was known. And she taught me that even a little girl rejected by her own mother was worthy of love.
She was the sweetest person I have ever known.
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@Steel Magnolia
Beautiful, just beautiful ...
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Can 16 years of all the wonderful shared events - museums, theater, precious gift sharing , unconditional love be wiped out when teen age boys, belligerence and bitching barge in?
Will the former be remembered or the present tension overtake the past?
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@Claudia voisarf Yes, those memories will save them from the street. One of my sons who lives with a serious mental illness returns from ruination every time he falls into it because of his memories of his love for his grandfather who died in 1995. His brothers who were skateboarders from Hell return to their memories of Granddad over and over again at every Thanksgiving/Christmas family reunion. Teens have their whole personal universe to figure out not to mention their world as we are leaving it for them. Be a lodestar, and not a meteorite. They will eventually look to/at you when they wonder about Life. Pax, jb
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An old Joke : Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well ??? They have a common enemy.
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@Phyliss Dalmatia
How sad...This shouldn't be a competition. It's an opportunity to fill in the gaps.
3
So fortunate that I had 2 grandparents well into adulthood and was especially close with my maternal grandmother, who just recently died at 96 (45 years with her!). She was always my co-conspirator against mom strictures (in an innocent way). I always remember her giving me extra after mom said no - stick of gum, small bonus slice of blueberry pie, slipping me a $20 for shopping as teen to supplement my after school job funds. I’m smiling just thinking of it. It makes me laugh out loud recalling how she then did the same to this mom for her great grandkids, and my kids, mom and I now regularly recall her surreptitious acts with joy. Love to all grandparents making memories!
1
Wonderful article. It's all about spending the time with them.
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So you are an activist grandparent. Grandparents come in all shapes, types and sizes. Some are only really able to connect with grandchildren once they are a little older.
I will never forget my grandmother telling me as a 15 year old boy that I will always be welcome to bake in her kitchen even if my mother doesn't let me touch her new state-of-the-art mixer in the kitchen at home. It still makes me feel loved to remember that!
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My MIL makes books on Shutterfly with pictures from trips and a little narrative. “We went whale watching together. We saw some whales. Daddy loved this big yacht and hopes Mommy will buy it for him. Grandpa showed Tootsie how to fish. Look, Tootsie caught a fish! Grammy caught a fish too! Uncle Thor caught the biggest fish!” They are easy to make (she claims) and wow do the children remember those trips well as a consequence! My FIL passed away when Tootsie was 3, and my MIL made a book showing all the wonderful times Grandpa spent with Tootsie. We read these books often. At 7, Tootsie still talks about Grandpa, and how she misses him, and how kind and loving he was. How he always laughed at her jokes and held the door for her. The books are priceless. Make the time to make them for your grandchildren. Use pictures from your camera phone. It’s easy.
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Fantastic idea!
I remember plenty about the time with grandparents before I was 3 years old. I lived with my grandparents from the age of 3 months till almost three years. Then my parents, living in another country, took me back. (My mother had eloped to England in her final year of medical school with my father, had three children in quick succession, all of which appalled my grandfather, a then semi-retired doctor, who offered to take me. My memories of my grandparents are the best memories of my childhood. I strongly believe that I am as resilient as I am as a result of the tremendous love and care I received from my grandfather especially.
My fondest earliest memories are of walking with him on forest floors ( 2 years of age). My arm up stretched with my hand in his. His playing me the violin and “The Last Rose of Summer,” a piece I realized later was especially for me when as an older child I visited him in the summers then left to go “ home.” (My parents took me back at 3 years. I’d not seen them till then). He also recited a lot of poetry to me, which I still remember. Life with my father, by comparison was hellish. He was violent and abusive. My siblings fared worse than I. I attribute my survival to my grandparents.
I gave the same care, love, and undivided attention to my own. Read to your kids and grandkids and talk to them. Even if they don’t remember specific details, you will forever encode that love and care in them mentally and physically, which will reap rewards.
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Really lovely. Yes, we are more privileged than most, and we take our Daughter and two teenaged Granddaughters on Vacations, yearly. But, I am sincerely attempting to teach them the most important life lessons, from my hard earned experience. They are : Share what you have. Treat everyone equally, and with respect. Try to be Kind, above all. You never know what burdens and difficulties another person has, and lives.
That’s all.
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@Phyliss Dalmatian
That's plenty.
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@Phyliss Dalmatian
"Share what you have. Treat everyone equally, and with respect. Try to be Kind, above all. You never know what burdens and difficulties another person has, and lives."
That is exactly what my grandparents tried to teach me, and that is what my parents taught our three kids. They also passed along a love of gardening, cooking, and living within your means-nothing goes to waste.
I hope to be blessed to pass the same moral compass along to our grandchildren.
3
Great article, wonderful insights. I love that it doesn’t take money or things to be an impactful grandparent. It takes time, interest and unconditional love!
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To make a memory that lasts with a very young child, go to the beach and pick up a shell. Or go to the store and buy a toy - together. Put the shell or toy on a shelf, or in the toy box. Every so often, pick up the toy and do "Remember when": "Do you remember the beach that day? The waves were so cold, and I was wearing the funny hat. What things do you remember?"
We remember the stories we tell each other.
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This is an amazing article. First of all, I LOVE the baseball nickname.
Secondly, I am one of those with late-in-life parents, so three of my grandparents were gone by the time I was 9 months old. My dad's stepfather, however, lived until I was 2 1/2 and I remember him vividly. I am not sure how much of the memories are real and how many are spun from my parents' stories, but I want to say that my earliest memory is standing in a crib shrieking because my mother had just put me down for a nap and "Grandpa Andy" came by. I also remember a huge radio--maybe a hi-fi? at his house and dancing to music in the middle of his floor. Above all, I knew that he was one of the people amid aunts, uncles, parents who loved me. I hope you have many more "innings" with Bartola but know that your influence on her is priceless however much time you have.
26
Lovely article. Very emotional and great advice. Thank you!
10
Since I am working on my family genealogy, what I can tell you is most memorable are photos. I wish I had photos of my great grandparents, I only have their Marriage record translated from Cyrillic.
So take a lot of photos. Photos help to create and recreate memories more than words can.
At the same time, silly poems and songs seem to also stick in one's brain. That's why we remember camp songs. I remember the poems and songs my father taught me. He passed when I was 12.
12