The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

I work directly with the public and and spend most of my working hours interacting with people and making small talk. When it is my break time I really do want to rest and not feel obligated to make small talk. It is irritating when coworkers do not pick up on hints that I would like to remain in my own world for 30 minutes. Now I just say no offense but I need a little quiet so that I can regroup. What I do find distracting are people who engage in personal phone conversations in the break room or watch a show on their phone without earbuds. The shared space should be treated as such.

Chit-chat at work wastes precious time has to be made up outside work hours. And these days, with open offices, where people gab and gossip nonstop, the workplace has become a glorified frat party. But companies think having everyone sitting at the same table, with no privacy, with large spaces that echo and distract, is hip and cool. And then there is the chatter and mind-numbing distraction that goes on via email, Slack, proprietary corporate instant messaging ... the amount of time that is wasted in the modern corporate environment is downright obscene. People are pressured into showing up and showing off at work, not doing real, deep work, the necessary labor that people actually enjoy, that is necessary for business success. So they make a show of working at work, and then go home and do the real work in the hours for which they're not paid. Imagine if workers were actually respected and given offices with doors, some much-needed privacy, and rewarded with time off and shorter days based on how much more work they got done during really focused hours at the office (or better yet, working remotely, from home or some other place that supports concentrated work). You don't see artists or musicians or composers working in big open spaces where people are coming and going, sending texts, or gabbing nonstop. The people who design these new "agile" and "design thinking" environments have no idea what makes people productive. It's all about surveillance ...

Wow. Reading these comments makes me feel like I live on a different planet. I've worked in several different fields, on both coasts, the south and the midwest, in super-corporate, non-profit, and small, family-owned environments. I've never felt the (in my opinion paranoid) fear or dread of sharing a bit of "chit-chat" with my coworkers. I try to to pry or overshare, but moment or two of small talk - even about the weather, even in an elevator - is simply a way to stay human in my world.

Though the lighthearted conversation is a remarkable way to relax and feel comfortable in a group, it tends to spill into unhealthy quarters, especially in a competitive work environment. It is ridiculous to see how competitive people get accustomed to misquoting other even if the latter has dropped out of competition. In brief, the magic of small talk works only when people are not under pressure to prove themselves morally, intellectually and socially superior. Personally, I enjoy it though always pay the price for it.

I keep it simple good morning and good night. In today’s PC world who needs it. I have seen careers ruined by simple unfounded accusations. Small talk isn’t worth the risk

One more case of someone believing that there’s something wrong with introverts and insisting that they pretend to be like extroverts.

I avoided small talk at work as it invariably devolved into gossip or negativity -- real energy sappers. Not to say I didn't develop friendships with coworkers, people I could enjoy having lunch with.

I am married to someone who resents having to partake in small talk with colleagues. I think it would be great to disavow our society from perpetuating this idea in all professions. With patients he is all ears and chatty and careful but with lots of other staff he says hi and starts work— i think too many professions create problems to solve that aren’t worth another moment of stress in workplace like this non subject. What next horoscopes ?

Articles like this make me reflect on what a sick society we've become. First: That people feel so alienated from the real purpose of life - to share the joy of it with others - that they would prefer not to even talk to one another? Like robots, there just to work for the man, not to have a good day or even indulge natural curiosity toward one another and enjoy the charm that any simple conversation can bring if people are capable of plain sincerity, no matter what their background or point of view. Life is not about getting the middle manager off your back, Crackers are gonna crack. When your last email is done, ten more will show up. Yet people seriously don't even like talking to one another? Secondly: That a society as unhealthy and out of sync with the meaning of life as all that has a media that believes the problem is the people not doing the talking and not the pyramidal social structure where position is based exclusively on private wealth which has made them so unhealthy. Please, write an article about how to tell your boss that you have human rights and need to check in with your colleagues. We now live under high tech slave driving, people are nuts because of that not because they've lost the art of small talk that's the least of the disease's symptoms.

Hmmmm. I think the point is the need for greetings, in other words, acknowledging one another’s presence, which n many other cultures is accomplished by fairly long ritualistic greetings that impart good energy all around yet allow you to keep moving onto what you need to do. ( Senegal is the example I’m thinking of) Also- a smile and a friendly nod go a long way. People n Seattle here are very freaked out about eye contact for some reason.

I can be a super friendly guy and enjoy very much conversing with me when it feels good to. But one of the biggest reasons I stopped working jobs and became self-employed is because I absolutely hated to be around people all day I had nothing in common with and with whom I was in a forced fake family-like situation. Office chitchat? Ughh!

Who else finds this incredibly sad that an article needs to detail how to engage in conversation with your co workers? Maybe if we knew how to talk with each other the world would be a better place.....

Bad mouth the boss. That’s a time honored approach to office chit chat. Also any recent company initiatives. If the company is involved in some mass layoffs that’s now hanging fruit of small talk.

Someone very wise once told me that the first thing someone says to you in a conversation, as well as the last thing they say to you, usually indicates a lot about what that person is trying to actually say to you and how they could truly be feeling about you (for the good or for the bad). I never forgot that advice, and during my long life have found it to be a very valuable and revealing observation.

American small talk has also given rise to the sort of weird greeting in passing pattern of saying" How are you, good, " that is, sort of answering good' over the 'good' that the questionee is saying..How are you, good, good, How are you, good....It's pretty easy and good enough for a daily touchstone, even if you aren't really waiting for an answer..I think Dutch people and maybe swedes also HATE small talk, so leave them be unless you want a half-hour discussion....

Can everyone just shut up and actually get some work done, some real work done, in the average day at the office?

In my first years of speaking English in N-America, I found my condo elevator the most dreaded place to be with other residents. Small talk is very hard for newbies. I studied and practiced small talk even before taking on heavier stuff, and now I consider myself as a brilliant small talker.

i guess im lucky i dont work in an office then. chit chat annoys me. most people do too.

This is the embodiment of "style over substance" and another indication that American Empire is slipping away.

As a stutterer, office chit-chat is not only awkward, sometimes it's actually panic-creating. After spending 18 years working in an office environment (so far), my co-workers pretty much avoid speaking with me but when we do have those moments of communication, I find myself focusing more on not stuttering than what we're actually talking about. Maybe that's why they avoid me...lol

When I was a young highschooler, sophomore maybe, I took a trip via summer camp into the city to volunteer for a week. I knew no one. As the bus pulled out of the parking lot, I donned headphones and fired up my discman. (Yep. That dated me.) An hour or so later the music ended and I realized that everyone else were already fast friends. I put that discman away for the rest of the trip, and had one of the best weeks of my adolescence. (As a random aside: my phone thought I was trying to type "fat dorks" instead of "fast friends." Wouldn't that have completely changed my story.)

Heres another idea. Take time to learn about your co-workers. 1. Make a positive comment about the physical space, the neighborhood, the commute or any other shared experience. Ask your colleague how they are enjoying the workspace, neighborhood, the commute, or any other contemporary shared experience about which a positive comment can be made. - Now listen. 2. Ask about your colleagues early or intermediate career history and successes that led them to their current role. - Now listen. They will be flattered! I have taught people to use these 2 steps, (and 5 additional steps) to discover what their customers need next, to welcome strangers to gatherings, and I have taught LGBTQ+ people to use these questions to manage the awkward moments when others are discussing middle schools and pediatricians. They key is to be interested and to learn about your colleagues. Nobody will even notice that you didn't talk about yourself. Mike LaFluer - Founder Ask Listen Innovate LLC

small talk is a good way to establish a mood of the office, also, and as far as I have learned over the years, it is never ever ever acceptable to bring your bad mood into the workplace. None of us want to be there, so don't take it out on me..Of course, I am a denizen of state offices that I think tend to be more egalitarian than private..I would love to know what the mood around the white house offices is these days. Obama seemed so transparent, with the constant and invited camera-person, and such shifting, unusual people invited to talk - I dug up the video of Lynn Manuel Miranda doing his first take at Hamilton at a White House event..What a different time..

Office chit-chat is so easy - I liked to train my fellow cubicle dwellers in a few handy phrases - the best one for me being the ability to end a random conversation gracefully by saying, Oh well, back to work!! Very non-offensive, and allows for a quick graceful exit..My office was big on conversations like, How was your weekend, Too short!, or Thursday, It almost Friday! or other such gems..Politics is out, of course, not allowed in the office, or just not a good idea at all, if not expressly disallowed..

Small talk with some humor is useful. Or complimenting someone on an article of clothing they are wearing. But one problem is that there are quite a few employees out there who are temps. They will never be hired on as regular employees because the company finds it easier not to. Their coworkers may ignore them except during meetings. (I know because I've lived through this situation. I was at one site for 6 months and my coworkers never once said good morning to me, asked me how my weekend was, or learned my name. I tried to talk with them but they turned their backs.) Another problem temp workers face is that they may be one in a long line of people filling that position. And they may not be willing to invest too much in a position that may not last for more than a few months. Office chitchat is great if one is a permanent employee. But temporary employees may not be comfortable with it and they know they are not going to be promoted. Terminated yes, promoted, no.

Are remote workers who can't engage in regular office chit chat doomed when it comes to promotions?

Many people live alone and are lonely. Being recognized fills a human need. Just remembering someone's name really helps. Or noticing someone has been gone -- Is everything OK? How was your trip? How are you feeling? You can think of small talk as a mitzvah a good deed that you do at work and also at other places. For me, it helps my attitude and gives me a feeling of well being. You can think of it as a contribution to society in general. If it turns out that they are upset about something, you can exercise your compassion and creative problem skills. You can affirm others in the same manner --your children's friends, the neighbors etc. Your sentence or two can make a huge difference to someone else.

You mention people using earbuds or listening to music continuously at work. Personally, shutting yourself off like that seems like a mistake to me. Has anyone done any research on how this affects your boss' and coworkers' perceptions of you? I'm wiling to bet that being tuned out like that causes you to miss out on some conversations and information that could benefit your work life.

Food, weather, pets, movies, or a compliment...keep it brief, smile, and keep moving.

I used to engage in small talk about weather and food, but after the first four years of that it got old. Now, I just do my job and listen to others talk about weather and food.

Just says "thats great" and "i love that" and "wow" and stuff like that during chit-chat at the office. Most people that's all the want to hear in chit-chat mode. Try it. It works 95% of the time. Note: You have to be at least smiling a little for the above to work.

my stock response of "I've woken up another day" usually elicits either recognition of profound wisdom or slack-jawed retreat, sometimes both

I really thought that somewhere in the article, the word "deipnosophist" was going to appear. I'm very disappointed.

I suddenly feel so much better about my office, where people are generally friendly and chat without burdening others by being annoying. Thank you!

Nice sales pitch, no thanks. I am one of very few women in an executive position in engineering, in the suburban work jungle. The small talk around me: "What's the game score? Did your jeep race this weekend? I got drunk with my buddy" Or worst, some of the guys I work with got their positions due to nepotism and they're incompetent. Their small talk is sometimes about asking, how would you do this: Disguise their ignorance on technical issues as small talk. I prefer to have a productive day, short lunch, go out and walk, read the news, articles about my industry and leave at a reasonable time to socialize outside work and be content.

The problem is when you have co-workers who spend on average at least 30 mins to an hour a day having small talk that's unrelated to work. If you are paid wages by the hour that means your employer is paying you 2.5 to 5 hours a week for chit chat. I find that it is difficult to extricate myself from long conversations with chronic chatty co-workers so I can actually do work.

“licensed career coach”, really? What’s office chitchat like at Licensed Career Coach, Inc., assuming it’s not just some guy in Starbucks with a laptop?

Interesting article and relevant to global teams with whom I work. In France, there is a tendency to separate public/ professional lives from private lives. There are also implicit hierarchical or silo barriers that prevent people from crossing the invisible lines to develop the relationships so needed in today’s turbulent world. A culture that is generally known to be more relational vs task-oriented is not necessarily an easy place to strike up conversations. Many of the managers I coach as they take on leadership roles need to take off their protective shields, learn to redefine Executive Presence through taking their business seriously not themselves. It’s an interesting journey

Teaching your child the art of small talk is one of the things parents should do, because it is not just a necessary skill at work but for life in general. The article is correct that people tend to mistrust, or be suspicious of, people who seldom or never speak and never share information about themselves. You do not need to share private information about yourself; the more impersonal and trivial, the better. And it actually works best if you ration the percentage of time you speak about yourself; it is much more important to draw other people out by asking interested questions that causes them to talk.

Young folks need to buck up a bit. Generationally they use phones and headphones more than older workers but then report higher feelings of loneliness. Sorry if you are ate 'anxious' but nowadays it seems way more young people confuse thd normal 'being nervous' with true crippling anxiety.

Small talk is a pleasure for us extroverts.

If small talk is intimidating, how do people manage serious discussions?

I laughed aloud reading this! I am an American woman living in Japan, married to a Japanese man. I called him and read this aloud to him. As small business owners, we have encountered this phenomenon at work, and generally in Japanese culture. My husband went to university in the US. I have observed that he engages in chitchat with his workers on a more frequent scale than many of his fellow business owners. The work is hard and tiring, but I think having that direct connection with “the boss” is motivating and helps to retain staff. Thank you for writing and publishing this!

This article assumes that the American work environment is the global standard. This is completely false. In most work places around the world, workers want to chit-chat opportunities and to get to know their colleagues because they care more about a social, human environment than only getting work done. I don’t doubt Americans would prefer the same if the corporate culture allowed it.

One issue this article does not address is what to do about a co-worker who wants to make constant small talk, for very long periods of time, to the point that it interferes with your ability to get your work done. My office has a few and I am sure most do. I think it is ok and actually necessary to avoid these co-workers. They don't pick up on the cues that ok, time to get back to work, I've been backing away from you for the last 15 minutes and you are still blabbing away! Perhaps that could be the topic of another article - how to make small talk without keeping your co-workers from getting their jobs done (hint: if they are backing away from you stop talking).