Boy, I had such an opposite experience. I don't mind video games in principle and I have friends that genuinely love the evolving complexity of storylines and game music, which I respect. But it became such a turn off when my first boyfriend in college started getting into them and playing non-stop. We used to be a couple that would go out a lot... dinner, hiking, looking at the stars because he was an astronomy major. When he started playing, we stopped going out as much, and frankly stopped having as much sex. I'd be like, "when are we going to bed?" and he'd just want to play another hour, which would turn into another 2 hours. We broke up a couple months later because of the divergence in lifestyle. I understand the addiction since I used to play Doom in high school, until I realized I would forget to eat and go to bed at a reasonable hour, and decided it wasn't good for me. I just realized that time had passed, and perhaps the only self improvement I gained was slightly improved motor skills. As a programmer with a lot of programmer male friends, I also just realize that majority of them love video games and want to spend most of their time indoors staring at a screen. I find it difficult to meet up with them to go for a simple walk around a lake. I've turned down boyfriend potentials because of this. Frankly I'd rather be single and go on hikes with my dog for the rest of my life than be dating someone that lives in the dark playing videos games.
33
There is so much misinformation about gaming out there.
I've been a gamer since the days of Zork and I still love gaming (I'm a senior citizen). I also read voraciously, take my hiking seriously, and have a well-funded retirement from a successful career. I have a great circle of friends (both on-line at GameBoomers and in real life).
So tell me how playing video games has ruined my life?
13
Up until now the profile of many mass shooters has a young male who has a proclivity to spending huge amounts of time playing these inane and violent games. Going forward the girls may get a chance.
1
@No Kids in NY
You are falling into the same trap the Fredric Wertham fell into with Seduction of the Innocent. He saw that all the kids in mental hospitals were reading comics, and jumped to the conclusion that reading comics caused kids to become mentally ill. When in reality, ALL the kids were reading comics back then, not just delinquents and the mentally ill.
Most kids, especially boys, have played violent video games (and read violent comics, seen violent movies, etc.). And yet, only a very small amount of those kids go on to commit murder.
9
I'm female and a 14 year veteran of World of Warcraft. The fun, the comradery, chatting with other WOWers world-wide, pulling all-nighters ... nothing else like it. Going on my 15th year in November, and still in love with the game. BTW, I am 66 years old, and there are tons of the original "vanilla" gamers going strong.
14
So many judgmental and narrow-minded posts here.
There are a lot of people in the world, amazingly, they do not all have to live the same way as you.
12
Gaming is a diversion from whatever you choose to avoid in your life. Many adults who look down on gaming spend hours upon hours staring at the TV screen, a truly passive diversion. No matter what type of diversions I choose, even reading the NY Times to avoid onerous tasks, I'm wasting my life such that the days go by and I regret not being truly alive because I am avoiding taking risks and really, really being alive.
5
As a non gaming male, I was impressed by the exhibit at
the new V&A Museum in Dundee, "Videogames: Design/Play/Disrupt." One game on display, "Journey," is designed to foster empathy by creating "New Emotional Experiences." The exhibition is over, but of interest is this article "Videogames are a girl thing."
https://www.vam.ac.uk/dundee/articles/videogames-are-a-girl-thing
4
I find these articles tedious. Yes, gaming culture is highly misogynistic, but I'm a cool chick because I embrace it nonetheless. Pathetic!
10
I used video gaming as hand therapy after a stroke. And pretty effective it was, too.
8
My husband and I had a huge fight once when we were trying to beat a boss--I wanted to stop for the evening, he wanted to defeat the baddie. His solution was to delete my character and keep playing. Not cool!
Anyway, I've mostly run out of time for playing video games between outdoor activities and work, work, work, but my husband and I still play together and we sometimes play over steam with a group of friends. And I'm very much looking forward to Borderlands 3!! (Note if you haven't played the Borderlands games they are hilarious and fairly subversive on the gender front.)
2
I remember way, way back, playing Nintendo Super Mario for hours on end. Late one night while drifting off to sleep, I suddenly realized my thumbs were twitching feverishly, responding to some Super Mario loop that was playing in my head and had worked its way into my nervous system. Everything we see, do, smell, taste and hear changes our brains. For better or for worse.
1
Gaming can have some surprising uses that many do not think about while shaming it. I have a son who is slightly on the autism spectrum. He would occasionally have trouble processing certain social situations and misread intentions or situations. He took to gaming very early. It was social currency among his peer group and a place where he found confidence outside the physical world. My wife was not into it being very much like me and not interested in a passive activity that seemed useless intellectually. But I persisted to follow my son into Minecraft and other non-violent, often creative, building games. What I discovered there was more than how to build a house out of virtual blocks but more about how my son was thinking. By sticking by him and learning together I gained valuable insights into his personality and introduced role-playing scenarios and expanded his understanding of emotions and empathy. When he turned on me one day in Minecraft and struck me dead with a diamond sword I felt it and I told him so. "Hey, you are my son! I know it's just a game but how can I trust you if you suddenly turn and strike me down?" I would say. He would pause, "Dad, it's just a game...but I'm sorry". Funny, but it DID bother me and he knew it. We teamed up on many projects and built things together. I could easily see how long it took him to back out on commitments or how he would utilize his time. We learned a lot about each other in those games.
45
Beware of the ones whose world has been reduced to a screen and controllers as a way to escape from the real life. I understand this is not the case for most people, who know when to stop gaming and come back to reality but I have known my share of adults who spend more time "living" in a game than in real life and who do not think they have a problem because "it is just a game". To the author: In all honesty, a guy who shows up with 3 or 4 video game consoles, red flag to me. Cute and interesting now that you are dating not so much when married and stuff is not getting done because "he is gaming" or your suggestion for a date out receives a "let's order in and play video games" response once too many times.
40
Eve,
You might want to try another genre in gaming. Puzzle games like Myst (an old game but it’s been updated) or The Room series on iOS. Even though they are usually played alone, I have found that they work well in pairs too. Another angle on a solution.
Enjoy your gaming together.
14
@Larry Land
Portal 1 & 2 are both excellent puzzle games, as well. Hitting that sweet spot of making you feel smart for having figured out the puzzle without having to look up the solution or quit in frustration.
10
My husband and I started playing World of Warcraft in 2008 as a way of understanding what our children were talking about. Our "children" were adults. We still play WoW. I am 70 and he's 75. We love the problem solving, the social interaction with our guild, and playing together or with our family who still play. It's a win/win for us.
11
My wife was having a difficult pregnancy and it was filled with stress for the both of us.
I own a Nintendo Switch and convinced her to start playing Zelda for 30 minutes every other night - she got hooked! I have such fond memories of that time now, with me sitting there keeping her company and talking together as she ran, climbed and hacked through that world.
It really helped lessen our anxieties and preoccupations over the next several months. Both of us barely have time to read a book these days so sadly video games too have moved down the list priorities - but We’ll always share that great memory.
74
@Nick
A great example of taking an form of relaxing entertainment in playing video games and applying them for an actual therapeutic purpose.
Video games also are great for stimulating the cognitive brains of the elderly to... much like Soduku
9
so, wouldn't it be just as fun to play a game that didn't involve murdering people? I don't get the attraction to violence, and I disagree that it doesn't affect people (I am not saying it is responsible for the gun deaths the way Trump does) but it is one more thing that dehumanizes and glorifies killing and destruction of the innocent. What about games that aren't about that? What kind of games do women design when they are truly allowed to design as they wish? And the way women are portrayed, as the author of this article describe, do matter very much. Look at most of the gamer culture and how they treat real life women.
29
@BNYgal
Violent games offer a way to get rid of your destructive urges without actually destroying anything. It's unbelievably satisfying to come home after a frustrating day at work and slaughter a bunch of zombies. If I were allowed to develop my own video game "as I wish," it would undoubtedly involve a good amount of murder. The idea that women don't like this kind of thing is an outdated stereotype. Not all of us want to be Cooking Mama.
17
@BNYgal
There are, in fact, games that can be played without killing. Most of these ae stealth-based, where it is a badge of the highest honour to complete a mission without anyone ever being the wiser.
9
Thirty years after my father and I bonded during my challenging teen years over a shared love of baseball, I bonded with my two sons through video games. We started with computer strategy games; they would squirm into my lap to watch - and soon offer their pre-schooler insights - as I accepted various challenges from designer Sid Meier. They were motivated to become early readers in order to understand the games, and learned geography and historical figures as well as critical thinking.
When the first PlayStation entered our home, I accommodated but did not join what I saw as mindless arcade games. What had happened to my pre-teens' love of learning and critical thinking? Actually, nothing. They simply had found a fun escape. And far from creating screen-gazing zombies, the games became the focus of expanded social networks. "Gaming parties" became central in their lives, with almost equal numbers of boys and girls gathering around but hardly limited to the organizing activity.
That convinced me. My sons agreed to teach me a couple of games whose names I don't even remember and whose skills I never mastered beyond "button-mashing." But together we laughed, reinforcing and expanding our relationships.
Today my two players of "mindless arcade games" are a computer engineer for a pioneering start-up in Europe and a Ph.D in biology happily married to a self-described nerd. And their father rejoices in the ways that gaming helped form their lives, and his.
30
"you get to try out new things."
OK, so you became a gamer. Which of your hobbies and interests did your boyfriend take up?
10
Show me one successful video game that has no killing. It's all fun though. Killing is fun. The sickness of American life.
6
@SF Believe it or not, there are plenty of good and even successful games that aren't first person shooters.
4
@SF
Pong, Myst, Tetris, Microsoft Flight Simulator, Madden NFL, RollerCoaster Tycoon, Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, The Room...
7
@SF
Thief and its sequels. You aren't supposed to kill people. You don't even have to kill the zombies if you don't want to.
And it still has a huge following.
3
Have you and your boyfriend ever played chess?
Give it a try
4
Go camping.
3
This frivolousness shouldn't be appearing in a major newspaper.
6
I've been a board gamer since 1974, computer gamer since 1980. My wife loves my hobby, she does not participate.. She figures its better than porn....
1
Sad
6
Really, The New York Times? Really? This is what passes for redeeming topics these days in your pages.
I am only 50 but, my, the old grey lady has fallen and can’t get up. (Yes, 1980s TV reference.)
This article is a big fat excuse for gaming and doing nothing with your days. If there was a way to suck on the corporate tit more than gaming I would be hard pressed to find it. Put your mind in a box a let someone else play with it. Have fun.
Don’t think about your own thoughts, ideas, or pleasures. Just tap away on that X,O, triangle, and square buttons. Have good time in denial! Death is not coming to get you.
12
@J.Q.P.
Not all video games come from corporations. There are thousands of indie games out there with real love put into them. I recommend Knytt Underground. It's a beautiful game which I replay often, much as I go back and reread my favorite books.
3
Get rid of your boyfriend!
7
Video games may have benefits in increasing hand-to-eye coordination, etc but to disregard Internet Gaming Disorder is very worrisome.
You can read here about its cognitive effects in adolescents.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26875565
I (will) sound judgemental but if a man is a gamer, he automatically drops from my acquaintanceship; I have never been friends with one, and continue to avoid such, as I avoid alcoholics and smokers.
All my siblings went on to ace their studies/education (Nuclear/Computer Engineer, Experimental Pathology Ph.D., Multispecialty ABIM-certified physician, Solid State Physicist), except my younger sibling who got into video games around age 8. We had a hard time him focusing on studies because when he could, he was brilliant but to maintain his focus was very difficult.
He also developed apathy.
This is in the late 80s, early 90s but I had observed the change closely, got help and we removed gaming gradually but almost completely from his life and he came into his own, but later in life.
He does gaming now once in a while but never more than 2 hours/week. He realizes how it can take over.
Good luck to the writer.
I avoid gaming like the plague.
I follow other healthy ways to make my reflexes fast, hand-eye coordination better, and spending more time in nature rather being stuck to a couch.
9
Ah--a note from the real world. I notice... walking around...that half the kids have their faces buried in their cell phones, i assume when i ask them what they're doing, it's GPS to find out where they're going ("you know, it's right over there--you can see it from here") or to look at photos of themselves-- even facetiming as they walk around. No to the former, but the latter, i was told might be true. Now a group pointing at buildings is on Pokemon, but what is everybody else doing? Give us more on the daily life with a smart phone. I have a feeling it's, " my life is important because i'm telling you about it". (which is ok)
Sadly, as a woman I largely see a great deal of cognitive dissonance within this story, with the author using humor to dismiss her admission regarding the abuse of women innate to the gaming culture, as well as negative stereotypes employed in female characters of the games themselves. I acknowledge that there are many games that are free from this poor influence, but promoting those that cast women as prostitutes, nags and sociopaths isn’t doing much for her argument.
12
"Couples who game together, stay together". Kudos to you!
6
Why do people enjoy virtually shooting other people?
And why are these the games that are produced and sold?
To get us numbed to the daily violence that the oligarchs like to see us inflicting on each other.
4
Uh:
"Research continues to show there’s no link between enjoying a first-person shooter game and actually doing crimes."
Yes there is, see:
"A few weeks ago when listening to a gaming podcast, I heard the hosts describe a particular game as 'giving them their shots of dopamine'...The dopamine hypothesis provides a basic framework for understanding what can cause a serious behavioral disorder. Heavy consumers of dopamine inducing stimulants are doing more damage to their brains than scientists had thought, according to the first study that looked inside the dopamine addict's brains. Dopamine addict's neuron's assaulted by abnormally high levels of dopamine have responded defensively and reduced the number of sites or receptors to which dopamine can bind. So while dopamine addicts begin consuming dopamine inducing stimulants to feel good, or high, they end up consuming them in order not to feel low, or depressed. Dopamine addicts, in fact, display many of the symptoms shown by patients who have suffered strokes or injuries to the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is a dopamine-rich area of the mind that controls impulsive and irrational behavior. Damage to this region destroys the emotional compass that controls behaviors that the patient should know are unacceptable.”
Ok, let's go over it again.
Gaming is like most any other amusement, when not abused it can be fun.
How to abuse it? Make the contents extremely gratuitous violent, degrading and/or play it 24/7.
6
Condolences to all.
15
These young people play video games.
Bill Gates plays bridge.
2
The way I see it is that all of us are born with a limited amount of energy and brain space and video games are just a total waste of time.
Moreover they detract from the serious things in life like making love, reading books, watching movies, listening to music, walking your dog, paying your bills and posting comments in this space.
3
You mention watching movies and reading books as acceptable alternatives to video games. Many video games, especially nowadays, are as artful as books or movies with intricate story lines, complex characters, and beautiful artwork. Not only that, but they make the player part of the story instead of a passive observer engaging different areas of our brains. There is a lot of garbage too, but the same goes for books and movies. Of course games shouldn't replace movies, but there is a place for them, in moderation of course. I've known people who have taken movies and novels to extremes as well, with negative life consequences. I won't even address posting comments on online forums (yes, I'm doing it now!), a waste of time and energy if ever there was one!
5
May you joyfully play Nintendo’s “Wedding Night V” on the appropriate evening together. Whatever would you do without the consoles?
1
Good for Ms. Peyser for sharing with us readers one of many ways she has discovered to bond and feel closer with her mate, a guy she already adored. Kudos.
Wasting him in a shooter game -- and laughing about it -- is waaay better than drifting through the fog of oxy-land or bingeing on "Thrones" with your second bowl of Ben & Jerry's. Personally, I prefer bonding with my better half playing Canasta, or hiking and picnicking. And there's nothing quite like the blood and guts bonding of Clemson football with my brothers this time of year. But to each his own.
2
I was a video game programmer from 1995 to 2012. Yes, it was a blast, but I always felt a twinge of guilt whenever I would pass an empty playground (the kids are all indoors!) or notice how young men had gone pale, heavy and flaccid since my day.
Something happened recently to make me reconsider. A young man dropped by our apartment and noticed a framed poster of one of our game on the wall, signed by its creators. I told him I worked on that game and immediately received a lot of fanboy love! I told him of mixed feelings about my video game career, and his answer surprised me. He said that video games were responsible for saving a generation of inner-city kids - his peers - by keeping them off the streets and out of trouble. Moms did not have to think twice weighing the benefits of the couch vs. the street. I passed this on to my now-dispersed former co-workers.
Man-boobs on twenty-somethings at the gym still bother me though.
6
@PIerre Dufresne That's about lifestyle rather than the actual games themselves though. Any good thing, when used to excess, can end up being bad for you. The issue isn't video games themselves, it's that many people fail to find an appropriate balance between gaming and physical activities.
If you are home playing video games with friends and family
most of your time, how is it that you are out with your
assault weapons and crippling/killing ammunition doing mass shootings?
1
Ms. Peyser, How old is your boyfriend? Does he do anything (work? Study?) apart from gaming?
"So I viewed video games as boring and hard, distinctly masculine, inaccessible."
No question about the boring. Hard? Masculine? Masculine!
But if this works for you, fine.
5
Except, it’s still a colossal waste of time.
6
I’m surprised at the very low number of comments made on this article. I guess everybody’s in the other room talking politics. Game on!
1
Very good. Now buy a gaming PC, so you and your boyfriend can play proper games, for adults ;)
6
I’m really impressed you and your boyfriend mindlessly and repeatably mash buttons on a hunk of plastic while staring at a screen. Not.
When was the last time either of you read a book?
5
I think you're missing the point. Playing games is something they can do TOGETHER, something that they both enjoy. Reading is great, but it's an inherently solitary activity. Two people sitting together each reading a book aren't exactly interacting. Playing a two player game together is interactive. You talk, strategize, joke, laugh. Maybe try it sometime before judging. Some of these comments are so condescending and presumptive in that "kids these days" kind of way. Who says her and her boyfriend don't read too? Gaming and reading aren't mutually exclusive.
5
If the New York Times would deign to review video games the way they do books, movies, and other types of culture, their readership wouldn't have such an outdated view of what games are.
Many people seem to think you just shoot stuff. They have no idea about games that create the novelistic worlds, social commentary, mathematical puzzle solving and gorgeous visual worlds.
Please, New York Times, start reviewing games so that the rest of us don't have to keep having these eye-rolling conversations with people whose ideas about games are decades out of date.
122
@Lisa H
We are rolling our eyes because of the sadness that the generations brought up on the computer and internet don't have a clue on what they are lacking in their lives, and compared to other cultures, Americans remain arrogant in their lack of social and community involvement, history and education in general.
Unfortunately in 30 years from now they will be in for a real shock and will be dismayed that instead of actively supporting Greta Thurnberg, or the climate crises, they spent an hr or more a day pretending to kill people.
The best thing that could happen to this generation is a massive internet and electrical shutdown. They would be forced to talk and communicate in a deeper way, and engage with their neighbors, and perhaps read a book.
7
@Sara I've been a gamer since the mid-70s, and I am also a massive reader (I have a sad addiction to big fat non-fiction tomes). I not only graduated from college, but went to grad school in my chosen discipline. Gaming helped me get the use of my right hand back after a stroke. I wouldn't be typing this now if it weren't, in part, for gaming.
Oh yes, and I'm a woman. I also have never played First Person Shooters, because there are a lot of games, and gaming categories out there, from adaptations of board and card games (my father's also a gamer - he plays adaptations of bridge and casino games) to platformers (like Mario Brothers or Legend of Zelda) to city builders (Sim City or Cities: Skylines) to RPGs (like Skyrim) to strategy/grand strategy (Civilization), to simulators (The Sims) etc., etc., etc., ... All games aren't First Person Shooters, and all gamers aren't men.
32
Who wastes the precious hours of their lives playing games? Learn a musical instrument, to cook, a new language, knit. Do something real.
30
@Mexico Mike hi! i speak spanish (my second language), love cooking and baking (i'm a recipe-tester), gardening, playing violin/viola/piano/guitar (yep, all of them), singing with the choir in my city, photographing wildlife, and volunteering for a local arts nonprofit... AND! i also enjoy video games (also thanks to my boyfriend, who's shown me such games as little big planet + flower). nary a precious hour wasted here. i truly hope you can say the same.
17
Video games, of a wide variety, are in fact good for cognitive stimulation.. as good as reading or writing actually.
They also are often social in nature as well, since most of them have an online component to them now days, and allow people to interact and play together, even when they are in different parts of the country. They stimulate the key cognitive aspects of the brain.
Most importantly.. unlike reading the NYT online here.. they are not filled with political agendas, bias, and primal expression of opinions.. all things that trigger and stimulate the reptile brain within us.
Like all things.. moderation and balance is key. Playing 7/24 is clearly not healthy, nor is watching TV or reading 7/24.
20
This ends when you have your first kid.
No time left for a rainy day of GTA.
Maybe time for a quick game of candy crush on toilet.
Though I like games, I will point out bounding over getting out and mountain biking or going to beach or exploring a city is probably much better mentally than running around GTA shooting hookers.
12
@Jane And don't be surprised if soon your kids are consumed by these games and have no time for you!
3
@FM
I stuck with Nintendo, avoid Xbox and PC games.
And then, Minecraft over Fortnight.
You can actually make an environment for them that is not "no games" but is "good games"
6
Some time around 1979 I bought a single game console unit with my birthday money... It played a B&W tank combat game similar to Atari’s “Tank Command”... My step dad and me played that game over and over and eventually for Christmas he got me an Atari 2600... I remember those times as being some of the most fun and silly times we enjoyed together.
Over time he lost interest in the other games, many of which were single player games you had to take turns with... I guess I never realized why, but I did miss playing games with him.
A few years before Parkinson’s took away his fine motor skills, I introduced him to a few driving games like GTA, Driver and Gran Turismo... it was fun for a while, but unbeknownst to me, it was already difficult for him use the controller.
Now that he is gone, I miss those days sitting in front of a tiny black and white TV, bouncing little black dots at each other and making fun of each’s hits and misses.
My daughters mostly play games on their smartphones despite us having a PS4... we have found a few console games we enjoy together... Fallout 4 seemed to be the one that clicked the most, despite being a one player game, we’d take turns playing our characters, making fun of each other and cheering their victories.
I hope some of these moments have worked their way into their memories of their childhood the same way that silly little tank game did for me.
2
This is a story I could have told almost word for word, except my introduction to video games was Borderlands 2. My husband had been encouraging me to play but I resisted until the game introduced a downloadable character that was actually built for beginners. I, too was awful at moving around, aiming, hiding - all of it. The game was funny and interesting enough to keep me engaged and eventually I was hooked. I also got a LOT better at it. We started playing co-op together and worked off each others strengths & weaknesses. Borderlands 3 just came out this weekend and we've already logged a few hours. Can't wait to explore that crazy universe with my love!
3
We each occupy our free time as we think best; driven solely by whatever it is we enjoy doing. That's the whole point of free time, isn't it?
So I say to each their own. Some like to hike. Others enjoy gardening. Some prefer to read. It could be all of this and many other options. Gaming is just a subset of the choices.
Having said that I'll also say this. When I was a child many, many, moons ago the idea of gaming was a pick-up game of war with the other kids in the neighborhood. Or baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. Sometimes even biking hockey (don't ask).
We'd divy up into teams and have at each other. Fun, frolic and imaginary (and sometimes not so imaginary) mayhem would be had by all. Everyone came away from the encounters with stories, experiences, and you learned something about the other kids in the "hood." My observation is it's really no different for today's kids. They divy up into teams, or sometimes run alone, and merry mayhem ensues.
The only difference is where my neighborhood was confined to a few square blocks of earth theirs is the multi-player universe of the 'Net, and their "hood" is the entire planet. They meet like minded others who might be kids across the street, or kids/adults from other places on different area of the planet.
It makes no difference, they're all there simply to have fun and enjoy their free time. Plus they get to know each and that, THAT, is the whole point.
John~
American Net'Zen
7
@John
Isn't there a potential snag, though, with the "It could be all of this and many other options --gaming is just a subset of the choices" viewpoint? That is, what if we understand each subset, in addition to providing entertainment, as conferring or reinforcing certain social tendencies and kinds of understanding? Doesn't it stand to reason that some of those subsets could conceivably (in fact, demonstrably do) amplify behaviors or tendencies that are not healthy or that are socially toxic? I am not saying that video game playing is categorically that. But I think it does suggest that the issue is more complicated than your statement seems to allow.
1
@John,
The obvious difference is that the bygone gaming contributes to physical fitness and health and extended time sitting in front of a screen does the opposite.
As someone who grew up as a geek when the term was still used as an insult, I must confess I have deep resentment for people like the author.
Her and like minded people, have contributed to make my teenage years and early adulthood a much harsher place. They have demonized my youthful passion for video games, board games and role playing games through a combination of ignorance and prejudice aided by a false sense of moral and cultural superiority.
Playing games does not mold teenagers into socially awkward people. However, knowing you're going to be shunned and mocked for who you are and for what you like, by people who have no understanding of your passions, sure does.
1
@Baptiste C.—please reread her column. Yes, there was a time she looked down on gaming but even before that she felt gaming—both the games themselves and the boys who might teach her—rejected her, the games by portraying a very limited view of women, and the male players by not accepting her. This essay charts her change.
4
@Baptiste C. I can sympathize with your view a lot because I experienced that also, although to a lesser degree than what you describe.
However I find this article rather encouraging, rather than patronizing or insulting. It is the commenters here, who are so full of themselves and superior, that are making me sick to my stomach.
1
Good for you Eve! It puts a smile on my face to read about another couple enjoying games together.
Looking at the comments, it still disappoints me to see those who view games as some sort of epidemic. The common theme among these individuals is usually one of ignorance - they only see the negatives and have no experience actually playing a game themselves. Its okay to not be interested in video games but games aren’t killing social interaction.
However, I’m thrilled to see more heartwarming stories of the medium I love bringing people together and I know these stories massively outweigh the negative ones, even if they don’t grab all the headlines. Furthermore, I feel that the industry is maturing and becoming more accessible by the day.
5
Video games?
I don't like them, and the main reason why is a person is spending countless hours getting good at something which doesn't appear to accomplish anything or translate to anything else which is worthwhile. For example, take subjects in school such as math or learning how to write. At their best such subjects are methodologies toward total world comprehension, math often spoken of as unlocking the secrets of the universe, the novelist often spoken of as giving a total vision of society past, present or future or all three.
Video games in comparison just don't do that, and the tragic thing is they have fantastic potential. You can imagine a video game designed to teach you how to totally navigate the internet, to acquire total comprehension and insight into the society in which you live, a game which teaches you how to do what writers and journalists and newspapers should be doing today, seeing into and elucidating all aspects of society, and attempting to integrate all into new and better vision, but instead these video games seem to prefer humans at just the level of empty headed foot soldiers or to be expending time and energy beating head against one small corner of society.
Essentially my question is when are we going to have video games which breed superlative internet hackers, total computer system comprehenders, true William Gibson Neuromancers? But I just said the bad word "Hacker" didn't I? But if the word is bad the video game is probably not good.
3
@Daniel12
You have a very limited idea of what games are. Many do indeed elucidate society with a narrative richness comparable to a novel. Your comment is akin to saying all films are worthless based on your impression of superhero movies.
Less thematically ambitious games also teach puzzle solving based on probability, spacial reasoning, and other forms of mathematics.
4
@Daniel12 Well part of the reason I can type 90 words per minute is a game called "Mario Teaches Typing" that my mom had on our home computer when I was a kid. So those sorts of games DO exist.
However how is gaming any different from going to the movies? What skills do you gain from watching a movie in a theater? Sometimes it is just enjoyable to watch or play something that has an interesting story that can engage your mind. Something that has characters you can identify with. Something that has cool visual effects that you like looking at.
3
"It became a form of bonding for us, not a source of strain."
Love is blind. You are looking the wrong way if you don't see or feel the strain. The ultimate reward of gaming is carpal tunnel and any number of other, more exotic species of repetitive stress. Yes, it may take you 20 years or more of leveling. But if you just grind away, you'll get here, too.
6
On many hot afternoons this past midsummer, I sat in the cool of the living room with my 19-year-old son as he worked his way through the Master Mode of The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.
This is an immersive game, with meticulously rendered mountains and valleys, waving grasslands, deserts, rabbits that drop jewels, and a race of rock-eaters who live in a land lousy with lava.
My ostensible role was to help with the puzzles in the underground shrines. Sometimes that meant looking up the answers online, and then encouraging my son with hints as needed.
The best part, though, was watching as my son made hundreds of risk/reward decisions, moving methodically through higher levels of weaponry and defense--always with more than enough restorative food on hand. He squeezed every drop of enjoyment from the game.
What was most impressive is that my son was always trying to put himself into the mind of the game creators. Why did they send me here? What will likely come next? Moving this way through the game requires the same tools of intuition and empathy as are required by understanding where Fitzgerald was going with the bespectacled eyes on the billboard in "The Great Gatsby."
My only piece of advice: Watch out for the Igneo Talus Titan. It does not play fair.
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@James R. Wilson
I could write an article called "How My Boyfriend Made Me Fall in Love with Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild". It is the first game I played as an adult, and it is so much fun!
3
Gaming? Scrabble is my "go to" game for bonding. And no one dies. But, to each his own. I know lot's of people who occupy their free time gaming. They are quite normal....
4
I am 49 years old. I am a mother of 3. I'm disabled. I've been gaming since I was 5.
Three years ago, I played Game of War, the largest mobile game on the planet. In that game, I was the lead admin of the largest independent Q&A chat The Oracle. Our members used to call me "The Oracle," because I could answer any question. I'd always correct them, "we're a team." It took 3 admins, 10 mod, & 1000s of members to carry the short documents we wrote to millions of players. Even the developers and marketers hung out there, because members would report bugs and suggestions to us first, critical information for a $30B company.
Currently, I'm one of a few hundred "low town hall" players who Push into high trophy leagues in Clash of Clans. I've been playing for years. I also lead a successful mid-level War clan. There are very few female clan leaders, but there are more and more serious players who are women.
The arcade in the 80s. PS2 and Wii. No XBox. A few years ago, the family trove of electronics (technically belonging to my late brother) went to the Smithsonian. It included a Sears Atari 2600 clone, a Tandy Color Computer I & III, 2 Colecovisions and a Coleco Adam. I played them all, including historically iconic games. I've also GMed table top roleplaying games.
And NO my husband/BF/brother DIDN'T TEACH ME. Women don't require men to teach them to game. Gaming is fun all on its own!
I did, however, teach my kids to game. The ex wasn't interested.
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The issue is not men versus women.
The issue is that imagining, for fun, to shoot human beings, and pulling virtual triggers, is deeply dehumanizing to men and women both.
It is part and parcel of a culture of cruelty and enjoyment of the pain and the death of others, that we see play out at the highest levels of our current government.
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Thank you for sharing this lovely story. I am now 66, and the first computer game (I'm a PC gamer, consoles are really too big for my hands) was Rogue/Hack (or some variation), some time in the 80s.
I became a mom in 1988 and when my son turned 3 (1991) we got a Nintendo (okay, I do have a secret history with console games) and played Super Mario, taking turns. It kept us closely connected when "Goodnight Moon," and "Machines as Big as Monsters" had been read for the 327th time, and we were not outdoors.
As he grew up, we always played together, even if we were on separate computers playing different games (me Diablo, him DOOM). There were a few I forced him to wait until he was a little older to play (14 for Hit Man). Our favorite of that era was Final Fantasy X. But we played many others.
When my son became a teenager and later moved on into adulthood, our tastes in games diverged (although, occasionally we'd play something he thought I'd like). Today we see occasionally see each other on Steam but I've only gotten him to play DOTA2 with me once... ;)
We are deeply bonded, in spite of his separate life, and playing games together (of any kind, board or electronic) contributed significantly to that process.
A final word: my son did not become a serial killer. At 30, he makes $200,000/yr in the tech sector and enjoys a rich cultural life, paints, and travels widely with his loving companion.
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@TJHD
On the gender flip side, My daughter and I both play various computer games, often together, even though we live miles apart (she on her computer at home and me on mine at my home). The game we most play together is World of Warcraft. I remember years ago, when someone I ran a dungeon with told me about a guild mate of mine who had led the party very successfully through a complex dungeon. He was mightily impressed with that gamer’s skill. It quickly became clear that the person who led the party was my 14 yr old (at the time) daughter.
Gaming with her has been a tremendous bonding experience (her mother and I separated when she was 11). She is doing well after college, and credits some of her success in life to her experiences in online games. She and her boyfriend play a lot of console games together.
One thing about WoW that I find nice is that while many of the female characters are designed as “shapely” females, they are generally just the same as the male characters, with the same abilities and play. And besides, most of the male characters are built much better than I am.
11
@TJHD
My middle daughter and I used to spend hours and hours solving whatever Baldur's Gate game was then in vogue. They were SUCH great games. I was sad when Snowblind got bought, merged, destroyed. They were one of VERY few companies where you could have 2 players playing at the same time cooperatively, rather than one at a time competitively. Videogames as social interaction, whodathunk!!
I recall her 2nd grade teacher, at a conference, saying that she had been talking at school one day about "bashing" (that was what we called it, and we turned the blood and guts off). She said, "Typically I'd be concerned, but not about your daughter. I think she'll be all fine."
I mean, it was just cartoony fantasy monsters. She loved it.
4
I regularly spend 4-5 days over Thanksgiving with friends. One of their sons, 16-17, spends the entire time playing video games in a separate room. It's been years since I've had any interaction with him. I don't have a clue what he is about - what he likes, what he's interested in (if anything), what he reads (if anything). His siblings are bright, engaging, active, funny...but all I know of him is the back of his head. It's hard to think of him as a person.
25
I've been a gamer as far back as I can remember, playing NES back in the early 90s. Didn't really like "girly" things, maybe because my dad was a computer engineer in silicon valley and we always had multiple computers in the house. Grew up on squaresoft role-playing games with amazing stories like the Final Fantasy series and Chrono Trigger. My husband was the same way. We initially bonded over the interactive fantasy stories we both had such fond memories of.
We continue to bond every night in the evolution of this: cooperative online RPGs. He keeps the enemies distracted, I make sure he stays alive. We've been teaming up like this since 2005 when we started playing World of Warcraft, but mostly we play Final Fantasy 14 now because it has the story we crave so much. We don't even really play with other people in these games - if they were 2-player only with nobody else there, we'd have just as much fun.
12
Thank you for this! I have always felt like video games are better versions of movies. Like you get to watch the story and BE IN IT! In the past, I've had the feeling that NyTimes editors think video games are bad for society, based on the Op Eds I usually see here, but this is a breath of fresh air. Video games represent an easy and (relatively) cheap way for humans to bond. I've had some of my best discussions over a gaming headset with people thousands of miles away. If you think globalism is good for our society, then you would be a fool for not seeing how video games can help achieve a tolerant, pluralist society.
Also, as you play more games, you'll find there is every variety of male, female, alien, cyborg, orc (and many more!) characters to play as. I wouldn't get caught up just because one particular game had only sexy women or super buff men. For instance, Resident Evil Revelations 2 only had female characters to play as. As a man, I enjoyed it just the same, as I would just view it as the artistic choice of the game designers. I wouldn't get upset at a movie that was told from a strictly female point of view, so it doesn't make sense to get upset at a video game that is told from a strictly male point of view.
12
@WIllis I agree. I enjoy TV and movies, but I find video games to be FAR more mentally stimulating than simply sitting there watching a screen. How well I do depends on the decisions I make, and the dexterity of my fingers.
I wonder what percentage of these commenters whining about how awful games are, spend more than 3-4 hours a day glued to a television not actually thinking about anything.
2
I've been into video games off and on since the 80's, and the first Nintendo system (NES).
I took long breaks from the hobby in high school, college, working after college, etc. but I've always kept a few games on my PC and a few consoles packed up in the closet.
I've played games together with many partners and friends over the decades too. It can totally be a romantic or platonic bonding thing.
I don't play online with strangers ever, though. That whole scene turns me off, and not just because of all the toxicity.
I'm also into board games and table top role playing games like D&D.
I've never identified as a 'gamer'. I don't like what I hear about 'gamers' and from online message boards dominated by 'gamers'. It strikes me as a great overall hobby with many benefits, and tons of fun to be had...The typical gamer communities have a lot to learn, though...
I love playing with people I actually know, and I'll probably always have at least a few games in my life.
Interactive story-telling is also a wonderful thing, as is just unwinding and slaying goblins/shooting aliens/etc.
5
PS: A great game to help someone understand what video games can offer artistically, thematically, and as an excellent vehicle for storytelling is a game called 'What Remains of Edith Finch'.
I dare anyone who likes movies, mysteries, and beauty to not enjoy that game...
4
I gotta say this was just about the best and funnest read I've had in very long time; culturally informative to boot. Eve, you're the best. And, by the way, if ever there's an opening at the National Manufacturing of Gaming Sports Association for an Executive Advertising position and such, I'd be the first to recommend you for it, Eve. (Just kidding. Great read! Thanks.)
4
This article hints at something that, I think, is very destructive in our society, namely, that there are male interests and there are female interests, and seldom do the twain meet.
Men should be encouraged to understand, respect and even get into things women enjoy, and women should do the same with men.
Division of labor is a long story in human history, but as Plato argued in the Republic, this should not entail a division of culture.
We tend to make things so difficult on each other. I say, love the one you're with, and love what they love.
If done right, no need to worry. You will not get lost. You will have found a multi-layered friendship.
My wife, passed away, was a lover of wildflowers and the insect and bird ecosystems that would come with them. I learned to love that too. She, also, paid some mind to try to get my hobbies and pastimes.
It was a glorious time. Partners are individuals, sure, but not only individuals. Be a partner: reach out to yours and learn about their passions and ways they idle away the hours.
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When we're not riding motorbikes, singing karaoke, or hanging out at our usual café, my wife and I enjoy many a pleasant moment playing FIFA together on PS4. Video games have a great power to bring people together.
8
The backstory here is that men and women are very different creatures—one from Mars and one from Venus as an old book said. I have many nephews—most with a love of gaming and watching college and professional sports. And none of my nieces care for gaming or sports-watching unless the latter is more of a social event. Of course these are all anecdotes—but I met my anecdotes reflect far more people than the author ‘s. Remember, evolution novels very, very slowly.
4
I’ve been a gamer since I was in HS in the 80’s. Right now, I’m into Warcraft. It’s fun, relaxing and I love it. For the Alliance!
25
Whatever floats your boat. I generally use a computer rather than a console. An Xbox 360 is a computer. A lousy computer that doesn't do terribly much. I don't need that thing taking up space in my home. Think outside "The Box" if you know what I mean. A PS4 controller is still my weapon of choice for most non-PC games though. Playing Mario 64 with dual-shock analog is a real treat.
That said, my spouse never got into the gaming thing. I tried but it's not her bag. Male or female, her family kind of frowned on video games in general. I know games she'll like. "The Wolf Among Us" comes to mind. But she's not interested. Out of all the hobbies we now share, I'm content to let her skip gaming outside of social events. We have plenty else to do together that doesn't involve Netflix.
Let me put it this way: The first time we went on a road trip together was a 30 mile backpacking trip through the Adirondacks. She had never been camping before. If she doesn't want to learn gaming, I'm okay with that.
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@Andy
The Xbos360 is a very old platform.. more then a decade old. So unless you are going to compare it to your PC 10+ years ago.. this is a poor comparison on your part.
The current Xbox1 on the other hand.. is actually more powerful hardware then your computer, and at a lower price point. It is a better gaming platform then all but the very high end PC gaming machines. Of course it is also more specialized and as such is not the platform for Microsoft Office applications, but it is just as good for online activities as any personal computer.. if you choose to use it for this purpose. It actually runs a version of MS Windows under the hood.
3
reading articles like this makes me feel
lucky to be an older American. I have
never played a video game in my life,
thank goodness, and I never will.we are replacing reading and conversation with
the worst sort of superficiality. no matter
how educated these gamers are,they are
missing out of the basic pleasures of our
existence: the serious and pleasurable
interactions of ideas with other people.
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@Frank
I'm sorry that you missed out. Videogames are designed to be fun and creative, and they unite players from around the world.
They also provide an escape from normal life to millions of people. After a long day at work, catch me online playing with buddies as opposed to engaging in fruitless debate with my in-laws.
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I think the point of this article is that gaming is a great way to connect with other people. Just like board games are something that parents love to play with their kids, other kinds of games also provide a conduit for different kinds of human interactions. You feel lucky to be part of an older generation, and I feel lucky to be part of a younger one - likewise, I understand why a life without games is great for you and hope that you see the joy that many of us experience from a slightly different lifestyle.
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@Frank
Would you prefer we substitute the word "cards" for "video games"? I played hearts and chess and poker and all other sorts of games with my family and friends growing up. We were interacting with people and ideas. Try counting 13 tricks in a hand. Now do it over a 300 point system. Cards were invented around 1000 AD. Dominoes shortly thereafter. Dice much earlier.
What's the problem? Video games provide the same social function in a different medium. Is chess by mail superficial? I guess you aren't a gamer of any sort.
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The writer and her boyfriend sound like educated professionals who game as a form of recreation, not an escape from reality or as an excuse to avoid self improvement. That is not the kind of person that we have to worry about.
I think the connection between gaming and mass shooting violence that conservatives like to push is coincidental. People who are socially rejected often turn to games, avoiding face to face interaction that has not worked out well for them in the past. I think that the toxic reaction by many gamers to women in the industry is a result of that element, who sees games as their last resort for a social connection, and lash out because they are afraid of losing that space, rather than trying to work on the issues that have pushed them into that space, to the greatest extent that they can.
Gaming is fine, but when some people are using that as their only form of social interaction and forming a toxic environment, that becomes worrisome, and as a society we should push for self improvement by those who are using gaming as an escape, but also be more accepting of those who we deem too fat, skinny, short, ugly, or awkward (Often due to issues such as being on the autism spectrum, or other developmental disorders).
That, along with vigorous gun control, is how we reduce not only our gun violence epidemic, but our epidemic of youth suicide.
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