My father and I talk twice a day. A quick hello in the morning and a "how was your day" conversation at night.
We've had a strained relationship for most my life, very much so when I hit my 40s. But now I welcome the change and the conversation. My father is almost 90 years old and lives alone and if I can't do a multitude of things to thank him for what he gave me, then at least I could give him quality time, which is something everyone should have from their loved ones.
I feel that Americans views about family and the notion of independence to be one of many reasons why narcissism is so prevalent in society.
11
I totally agree. My husband is Latin and he talks to his parents everyday. My US family thinks he has failed to launch because he has a constant connection with them (if I called my parents everyday they would think something was wrong with me and that I needed to learn how to be independent).
My husband doesn’t understand my family. He thinks they are cold. I used to get irritated by the constant phone calls but when our son was born I realized that it’s cultural - being close to your family is not something to avoid. You can be independent and close to your parents. It’s not one or the other.
15
We enjoy our twenty something youngins with all our hearts! So grateful they are logistically close within an hour, that we are in regular communication; I often text the two at once so we can chat together. The most fun for all is meeting up together including with their beloveds also gems, for dinner or the like. Mom & just the two went to the beach & back Labor Day & had some great car discussions. Holidays for sure and we did all get away on a vacation that was about being together including connecting with other family members & their children, swimming & eating. Like our simple & most would say messy home that they enjoy visiting, no big adventures, which suits us just fine-lots of love!
4
I'm genuinely surprised by the number of parents commenting here that they have no interest in spending a week vacationing with their adult children (and presumably also grand children), and how raising an 'independent' child 'thankfully' relieves the need for this!
Why did you even have children?!
I can perhaps understand that the need for an extended family vacation (modest or otherwise) wanes if you live in close proximity and see one another every few weeks. But for a large number of middle class millenial children, this is not the case. In order to pursue employment opportunities, we live on opposite sides of the country to our parents. And many of our parents are also still in full time employment. So a family vacation makes sense for multiple reasons.
And to those parents also poo-hooing contact with an adult child on a weekly basis as helicopter parenting - again, why did you go to th effort of reproducing?! I am an older millenial (married with my own child); I don't subscribe to the view that exchanging a meme or one line 'How's the weather going?' WhatsApp message once a week with my parents makes me a dependent mess!
15
@JaneS
What is the point of writing this comment except to disparage others who have a perspective different from your own?
1
This seems to be a consumerist appeal to the anxieties of upper-middle-class parents: now that we've educated our children to have aspirations of independence, how do we make them want to stay in touch with us?
I would suggest that being good parents and having good relationships with them while they're home is a better start than Utah outdoor trips after. (Although my family loves Utah outdoor trips.)
I would also suggest that being in touch with an adult child only once a week is nothing to worry about, especially if the adult toddler is a son. Once a month can be normal, to be cherished.
The implied expectations in this article are sad. This has nothing to do with the family that is profiled. They seem nice. It has to do with the world view of the editors and reporter who produced this piece. Life is complicated, sure, but not this complicated.
7
Beautiful article, Thank you!
1
I'm good, thanks anyway.
2
Close friends shared this 'secret' 15 years ago at least: as long as Mom & Dad are paying, the kids will come.
This was a revelation to my husband and I -- being child-free -- and not having experienced this in our own lives.
Since then, have seen it play out even closer and more clearly, grown nieces & nephews, with their children, will absolutely show up to an every-other-year family reunion if the adults -- their parents -- pay a majority portion of the cost.
It allows the most senior generation, 'the folks,' to see their far-flung kids & their families altogether for a full week, and it gives two generations of cousins the opportunity to reconnect and do fun stuff together.
It all seems to make everyone generally very happy. So, though it was originally rather strange and foreign to me personally -- why not if one can manage it?
9
I have mixed feelings about this article. On the one hand, parents and their children creating healthy and meaningful adult relationships is great. Hearing about parents talking to their adult children daily as a sign of a healthy adult parent-child relationship feels off to me. If I did my job as a parent I raised independent and contributing members of society that have created friends and networks that support them. It was never my job to be their friend and I don't want to look to my children to meet my relationship needs. They don't owe me anything and they don't owe me a weekly phone call. I see parenting as a continuous process of letting go. It can be really painful, but I get to delight in them loving their own life.
13
@GEL Maybe you are pushing them away? Why do you feel that you need to do that? Does it reflect your experience with your own parents?
4
@Kay Tee That's an interesting take on what I said. I would word it a bit differently and say I am pushing them out of the nest so they can use their own wings and fly! With our grown children we have everything from fun to meaningful contact via phone and trips as described in the article. What we don't have is any guilt that they are supposed to call, or a bargain that we pay for their phone bill so they will call us weekly, or them feeling like we are their best and main resource for support. I am a firm believer that children need to individuate from their families and only then can there be emotionally healthy and genuine adult parent and child relationships.
4
I am a 35 year old adult with 2 kids and talk to my parents and sister regularly. I also see them regularly, and my kids cherish having a close relationship with extended family. I see nothing wrong with our regular communication. There is no guilt or codependence, but we enjoy hearing about each other’s lives and it’s not like we’re sitting at home waiting for a call and racking up long distance charges. It’s a normal part of our days and isn’t taking away from relationships with our peers.
4
I am continually amused with how the obviously affluent (as those described in this article) jump through hoops to search for and then attempt to manufacture (with the help of a lot disposable income) what people in other parts of society - in America and outside of it - already know and do - live close to, hang out with, and be with family & relatives, across generations - for free. Society has gotten way to complicated and removed from the good, simple stuff of life.
31
It certainly is a blessing when parents can afford to take their adult children and their families on vacation; they wouldn’t be able to travel to such places if mom and dad weren’t paying. However, in my experience, paying means control. When parents truly befriend their children and gift them these opportunities without expectations (i.e. “if I pay, I expect more time, expect trips more often, expect that you go and do what I decide, expect when to arrive and depart”) their children will not feel manipulated and a true adult relationship can bloom. Many boomer parents helicopter over their children’s lives and decision-making and are disappointed when their children do not live their lives exactly as they do.
3
When my kids finished HS I told them I'd continue paying for their cell service provided they called home once a week. It could be a very brief call, I said, but a phone call it must be. Six years on, they each still call weekly. Sometimes it's just "hi, work's been busy. Love you." Other times we're on the phone chatting for an hour. They live far from me (and from each other) so we only see each other once or twice a year.
But the bond is strong. The communication is regular and mutually respectful. I tell them about my downs as well as my ups, and ask their advice as well as offering my own to them.
It's not perfect! But it's good for now, and I think is a good foundation on which to build the relationships that we'll have in the future.
I don't "mom" them. I just am glad that I get to enjoy their company.
24
Glad to learn that American parents and their children are adopting Indian way of living having already adopted Yoga and Meditation. Three cheers.
12
This article buried the lede a bit. Graduates are moving back in with their parents after college and getting married later if at all because, with $80k+ in student loan debt and no decent job prospects, nobody can afford to live on their own or start a family anymore. Stories like this are certainly heartwarming, to know that there are parents who can support their children while still understanding that they aren't the precious little ducklings anymore, but if parents aren't like that, there's really nothing much a 24-year-old can do about it.
6
I would love it my parents came to visit me more - I travel to visit them all the time. But my weekend & holiday trips out to the country are restorative to me while it takes about a year for them to recover from spending one weekend in Manhattan!
11
I feel honored and fortunate that my older adult kids still like to hang with me, sometimes including my husband and sometimes not and sometimes with their sibling and sometimes not. Looking back I think the key was recognizing them as adults and seeking to understand and accept their choices, even when they weren't necessarily the ones I would have made. In sum, treat your kids as independent persons, not clones of you.
And yes, we do enjoy vacationing together. We just came back from a wonderful stay together with our son and family at Sea Ranch -- they did all the work! -- and my daughter and I have enjoyed numerous marvelous adventures in Italy. We are now at the stage where she does all the planning and and driving and I do most of the paying, reflecting our relative abilities.
8
When my kid graduated from HS he went to college and I moved 100 miles away. Through college he would only come visit quarterly and I would never go to the town he went to school in ( I went maybe 3 times in 4 years). I wanted him to establish his life without me. He moved to a large west coast city after securing a job. I helped him move out there and have visited 3 times since. In two weeks I get to go visit him again in his place and his space. We both can't wait. I let him fly but he realized he still needs his mom and I still need to "mom" him when I go to visit. I go to Costco and fill up his freezer until my next visit in 5 or 6 months. It is the most rewarding thing to have him be my friend. We text and talk but the time we spend together now is just so much fun. It's like getting together with my friends.
20
My husband, daughters - 28 and 26 - and I all still agree that the best vacation we ever had was 2 years ago when we went as a family to Banff. We are a outdoor/hiking type of family and Banff in the summer is nothing less than breathtaking. We have always traveled as a family - at least once a year and as I write this, my daughter is one month away from getting married and the other one's date is set for next Fall. If we travel together again it will likely include spouses but we feel blessed not only that they still want to be with us but also, that we can afford it. A true luxury - we have conversations and good times that I will always remember.
13
My oldest daughter still loves to ravel with us - as long as dad's paying!
8
As my oldest child left for college, I feared I had lost my opportunity to make memories. I was too busy, too stressed, dealing with family illness and the years went by. I felt sad for having missed them. Then last year, I decided I would make a new family tradition. An annual trip. Announced through a scavenger hunt at Christmas and taken over the summer. Thank you for this piece and showing it is never too late.
19
The best time to get together with your children is when they retire and come to visit you. My son will be here next week, he usually comes for a week twice a year. So don’t give up hope.
9
You have to have a good relationship with children from a young age to continue the trend into adulthood and maintain it.
27
My family has only two states left (Alaska and Hawaii) to complete our bucket list of visiting all 50 states. We started 13 years ago and just completed a 6-state road trip this summer. The eldest is a junior in college and the youngest is in the 10th grade, but it will take me and my husband a few years to plan and save for these last two. Hoping my (by then) grown kids will want to tag along. Something tells me they will.
9
Among my friends, even their way-past-college-graduation kids still text back and forth with their parents on a daily basis. I'm amazed when I ask about some kid, and the parent tells me how busy the kid (past 30) is likely to be during the upcoming week. What ever happened to building a life of one's own ?
The problem isn't how adult kids and their parents can stay close. It's how parents can let go enough of their kids to let them truly grow up.
Family/clan holidays together are a great idea. Monitoring one's adult child as if he/she was still a toddler, not so much.
17
My mom shares your attitude. Unsurprisingly, we aren’t close.
19
@Oriole - Agreed. I have a former friend who moved across the country to reside in the town where her daughter attends college. I call that enmeshment and feel the daughter is being robbed of her ability to develop her own independent life.
5
@Samantha Keenan
How “close” are you supposed to be? As “close” as the mom in the other article this week, monitoring the fire alarm in her kid’s dorm room hundreds of miles away and texting him to make sure he is out of the building?
My 22 year old son just took me on a wilderness backpacking trip in Yosemite. My first time backpacking and we hiked 33 miles and climbed over 5200 feet over 3 days. He saved me on day one by transferring gear from my pack to his. He navigated and led the way on all camp duties. On day two he told me how proud of me he was. What a switch in roles! I’ll never forget it.
78
@Karen
Adorable. I can only hope I’ll have the same relationship with my daughter (now 8) when she is grown.
11
I’ve seen a lot of this kind of lavish joint vacationing among families with adult children since I joined first the upper-middle class, then the affluent class (I was raised in the poor-but-working class, in which vacations are not an issue at any stage of life).
In many cases, I have detected a subtext: there’s a trade going on. The parents want a chunk of the adult children’s time, and they get it by giving the adult children something they desire but cannot give to themselves: a fancy trip with all expenses paid.
This is not a criticism but merely an observation. Pretending that social exchange theory doesn’t apply in many ways to family dynamics is just silly. It’s like imagining that Melania married Donald because of his beautiful character, or that he married her for her piercing intellect.
In a few years, I imagine, my husband and I will be engaging in the same kind of annual vacation “bribery.”
54
My husband and I are financially-comfortable middle-aged professionals. We travel with his parents because we enjoy their company. We each pay our own way. Sometimes love transcends economics.
17
@Kat When you pay, they will come!
2
@Samantha Keenan
That’s wonderful.
I don’t believe that my comment in any way implied that the kind of arrangement you enjoy cannot or does not exist, so I’m not sure what you are rebutting.
4
Wait till your children have children. Grandparents are always welcome.
13
"Your highest yield time together?" Sounds like crop rotation planning jargon.
7
When we are asked about our empty nest syndrome, I tell the asker that I don't know what that is. We talk to our children more then we did when they lived at home. My son called to talk baseball and football with my father as often as he ever did.
2
Please don't underestimate/discount the importance/impact of being in nature together, away from work, technology, etc., and completely surrounded by the natural world. Family trips like this need not cost very much. On the contrary, my husband and I firmly believe that the camping trips we took with our sons (now ages 29 and 26) as they were growing up (when we were graduate students and had very little money) are one of the main things that contributed to our family being so close now.
21
I always enjoyed spending time with my dad watching Sunday football. During the Pat Riley days we all would watch together and “share” in the pain. Currently my family, my wife and two boys, seem to watch anything with America in the title. ANW AGT AFV. We also spend a lot of time outdoors. Love It I hope it lasts forever.
5
If everyone lives fairly close, this time together need not break the bank.
My husband was out of town on business for two weeks in the early 2000's. The local YMCA was sponsoring a bus trip to one of our major league ballparks a couple of hours away on the weekend my husband was gone. My mom drove in for the weekend and we went to the game on the bus and out to eat the following day.
My mom's in hospice now and for some reason this is one of my most cherished memories of her when she was in good health.
25
I'm glad the trend is reversing and that generations are more connected these days. The social support of familial ties is good for your health and well being. Family matters. It always seemed weird to me how segregated American generations are, how far apart they live, how infrequently they see each other. Not that I'd want to permanently share a roof with multiple generations, as is often the case in the country I come from, but splitting up at 18 forever and living several states apart seems extreme in the other direction. Especially once those adult children start having children of their own, and you realize the grandkids barely know you.
I really hope when they grow up, my kids stay close (emotionally if not physically) and stay in touch, too. I don't think I'll be able to take them on expensive vacations, and that's not the point anyway. All I want is the occasional cup of coffee and nice chat, and hugs from my future grandbabies!
34
@Nefertiti Lovely comment!
2
There is another consideration no mentioned here. Time off from work. Mom and Dad are retired, but both kids work in fields where there is scant "vacation" time. Additionally, with younger kids, the challenges of school breaks, etc.
8
Very nice for people who have plenty of money to travel. We don't. As a single parent who's had cancer and has massive medical debt, keeping my son in college takes every penny of my resources. His dad lives in another country and has thus managed to avoid paying for nearly everything. I am already paying off his student loans, and he's only a junior. If it weren't for his grandparents, we'd both be in the poorhouse. We stay in touch as best we can. Texting funny animal videos is a good way to share the occasional laugh. Phone calls and FaceTime also help. But he's usually working when he's not in class, so free time for family is hard to find. To reiterate: family vacations are nice for the people who have the resources to finance them.
45
@Allison Right on! And we think, in the US, that health care should NOT be affordable. Even poor Trumpites apparently feel this way.
10
We visit our adult children and significant others about every 3 months and either Christmas or Thanksgiving.
Any suggestions for a family trip, less expensive than backroads, but not quite camping.
Would like it to have about 50% fun/relaxation and 50% cultural learning
4
@Chris We've started renting vacation homes in attractive places, most recently in the Colorado mountains. Happily, my children can afford to travel, so costs are split evenly. We always rent a house with more than enough room for privacy and with enough variety of attractions so that no one has to do everything. It seems to be working, partly because we're getting better at making decisions as a group.
7
@Chris We are meeting up in Utah next week for my 70th birthday. Renting an Airbnb in Santa Clarita with lots of space for significant others and dogs, there is gorgeous eye candy and national parks like Zion and others right there, for hiking and running, plus consignment shopping, movies, or exploring nearby cities like St. George or Cedar City history and culture. There’s even Utah Shakespeare and Tuacahn Theatres near by. We have tickets for everyone for one evening after a meal we’ll all cook, and reservations for a group dinner one other evening. Otherwise, we will just wing it and see what folks want to do. I am packing board games and a jigsaw puzzle because with our professional high powered jobs, and we are all still working, we all like to engage in some relaxing even silly time when we are together. The days are warm there and the evenings cool enough for a fire outside.
We went to Guadalajara in July for a four day weekend and that was very inexpensive believe it or not and so much fun. It is a city that has so much going on that we divided up at times and all did our own thing. We got a package from booking.com then Uber’ed everywhere.
Our kids are interesting fun people to be around and we value any time we can all get together. Next week we’ll talk about the plans for the next 12 months to see what we might be able to do. With busy schedules, planning ahead is the best way.
My sister and I are in our 30s, still single (hmm), and we take annual trips with our parents. We are not financially rich, but we do all we can to save for these annual trips, all four of us. Last year, because it was our parents' 35th anniversary, we footed all the expenses for a 10-day trip in the south of Spain and Portugal. This year, we're going to Israel in October. My mother got the plane tickets, my sister and I are in charge of accommodation, and I thiiiink my father's taking care of food, haha. My sister and I are doing all the planning for sightseeing throughout the country. It's a group effort, but we love it... because we love to travel and we love hanging out with each other. Our two weeks with only each other every year have definitely brought us closer together. I'm closer to my parents now more than ever.
51
@lady vanessa Lovely. Clearly, you are not suffering from being single:)
11
@lady vanessa
This sounds like an enviable situation. And please don’t worry that you and your sister are not “yet” married. It sounds like you guys have got it going on!
3
Of course adult children will take a free trip from mom and dad. Is anyone shocked by this?
“The opportunity to go on a cool outdoor trip with my family continued to present itself, and I’ve continued to take it,” said Eli
8
The best way for parents to stay close to their adult offspring is, for starters, to stop calling them, or considering them, children. There's no such thing as an adult child. This may seem like a quibble, but the sentimental "You'll always be my baby" mentality, however well intended, creates an almost impregnable chasm between generations, as its underlying message is "I refuse to relate to you as the adult you legally became on your 18th birthday--and biologically even sooner--and will remain until you die." Denial of the inevitable march of time, trying to sustain a family dynamic that no longer really exists, is unrealistic and counterproductive. Save the "children" stuff for the grandchildren (and be prepared to stop that when they reach their own seniority).
Despite what you read about parents weeping over empty nests, however, many parents are only too glad to see the "kids" move on to their own independent lives. Adult sons and daughters, of course, must not automatically count on Mom and Dad to be the primary support system they were during those childhood years (or else the parents should claim spanking and time-out privileges, which could get pretty awkward and unbecoming the older everybody gets).
Treating and respecting each other as company, rather than "family" to be taken for granted, may sound like a distancing device, but will probably keep families closer in the long run.
33
What fun! Vacation assignments, and for 32 yr old children! Should go unsaid that parents aren’t servants, especially if they are footing the bill.
“have taken their son, now 30, and daughter, now 32, on 10 trips since they graduated from college. The trips now include their spouses. Ms. Sutherland recommends booking accommodations with private rooms if possible. She assigns everyone responsibility for preparing or treating for a meal — and pitching in with cleanup. “We have clear communication in the beginning that parents shouldn’t be servants,” she said.”
3
@Ralph
Every vacation coordinated among any group of people should involve explicit or implicit “assignments,“ because even on vacation there are things that we must get done. Without some sort of agreement or system to spread the work parts of vacation around, there’s a real danger of resentment building when free-rider problems. emerge.
14
Is there any advice on how to keep adult children away from parents? In the good way, I mean.
9
"Parents sending kids off to college fear their time as a family is over" Really?! If that's so they're undoubtedly right.
5
Our family (2 adult daughters 2 retired parents) never vacation together. However, we use WhatsApp to stay in touch every single day. We hear about each other's lives, feelings and thoughts. I don't think that staying close as a family is something that you should just throw money at. It's about being interested in your family members. It's about the same connection as when they were still at home. Just keep talking with each other.
17
Seems like American culture is aligning itself to what is common in Asia and slowly moving away from a nuclear family. Seems like a good think to me.
12
@HistoryRhymes
I wouldn’t base that conclusion on this article.
2
You must be joking...when I reach for my wallet, there’s always another hand already there...
6
Thanks for the ideas regarding camping trips with adult children. We didn’t do that very often when our kids were growing up, because of weekend team sports and work conflicts that made it more difficult to get away. Recently we’ve gone on several trips that involved lodging thru AirBnB to locations where we could kayak, hike, with a day or two in a city for cultural visits. A mix of activities with everyone getting to choose the itinerary is important so that everyone has fun planning. Passports are essential for all as an introduction to international travel. We like to visit Canada which is not expensive and has great outdoor opportunities.
14
I recently hiked the Inca trail with my children, spending a wonderful two weeks with them in Peru. With tuition of over $100,000 a year for the two of them, Backroads was out of the question, and we worked with a local expedition company and had a truly unforgettable trip with extraordinary experiences with the locals that Backroads could never match for a quarter of the price. As I get older, and my children build their own lives, I want to take a couple weeks every year and travel with them, sharing unforgettable memories. Next up, diving off the coast of Columbia in March !
17
My relationship with my almost grown (late teens, early 20s) children is terrific. We speak a lot, hang out and call each other just to “chat”. Sometimes about significant stuff, other times to noodle the time away. It wasn’t always like this but we worked at it. The closeness is wonderful and I cherish it more than they know.
21
While a $30,000 family trip sounds lovely, family harmony cannot be purchased, even at that price. I've actually been on one of these lavish trips with another family whose child complained through the whole thing (and spent the day staring at her phone)!
The key to happy relationships with your adult kids is in the latter part of the article: don't stick your nose in their business, don't offer unsolicited advice, don't criticize. We offer financial help to our adult kids when necessary, but we are not buying their love, we are showing ours. Babysitting the grandkids, being a sounding board for career problems or just showing enthusiasm for their own adventures is all it really takes. Of course it helps if you have raised appreciative, respectful children.
87
My adult relationships with my parents have been much better than when I was a child (and definitely better than as a teen or a 20something). We treat each other as adults, we laugh, and we truly appreciate each other as human beings, not just a mom, a dad, or a daughter. This is despite the fact that most of my adult life I've lived 2000 miles away. I think developing and maintaining relationships when your kids are adults is about treating them as humans first, and your offspring second or third. Genuinely liking each other as people is paramount, and respecting each other follows that.
23
We haven't taken our adult children on any lavish trips like those on the Backcountry web site, although some of them do look fun. I can hardly get them organized to show up at their Grandmother's for Christmas all at the same time!
I do usually pay for plane/train tickets when they come home or we go to Grandma's, and sometimes, if she remembers my mother pays for my fare home.
It's one thing to use your PTO visiting your relatives, another to also foot the bill so I try to sweeten the experience.
7
@Ginger
I think for many young adults, an outdoor trip or vacation with immediate family (esp to a cool place) would be a bigger draw than a yearly visit to Grandma's for the holidays no offense to Grandma. They are very different experiences with different levels of excitement. This article is speaking about sharing a new experience with adult children, not maintaining a holiday tradition of visiting per se.
17
So I checked out Backroads family programs with young adults. 5500.00/pp, for a 6-day trip to Iceland (typical), or 33,000 for a family of 5 as depicted in the photo. Not including airfare of course. The trips look wonderful. Is there any reason a young adult would turn a trip like this down? And is there a reason to give this company free publicity as opposed to one with options that more families could afford?
182
@Susan
There are a lot of options other than paying such a ridiculous price for a 6 days trip. This is hardly affordable or typical for most families. You can plan your own trip and have just as much as an adventure but it does take a little time of your own and hopefully your kids in the planning of it and if old enough paying for it. That way they realize how the trip goes is dependents on them also instead of not liking their parents choices and blowing their parents money by sitting around and sulking.
7
@Susan
Thanks to the author for this terrific, rarely discussed topic; I think our fragmented, overworked, stressed-out melting pot needs tighter family bonds. More ethnically and racially homogenized countries seem to have more cohesive cultures that foster family togetherness.
I’ve watched our country become more ethnically and racially diverse over the decades, and we’ve certainly gained something from it. But there’s no doubt in my mind that we’ve lost something too.
The Italian, Asian and Indian cultures come to mind; even in America most seem to maintain strong generational bonds and it is wonderful to see. Our own family is Italian and Chinese, Baby Boomer and Gen X mom and dad, and we cherish family connectedness across our cultures, generations and across the ocean to our ancestors there.
We couldn’t imagine it any other way. We view it as our lifeblood and sustenance.
Kudos to the author for highlighting this issue!
2
@Susan
Thanks to the author for this terrific, rarely discussed topic; I think our fragmented, overworked, stressed-out melting pot needs tighter family bonds. More ethnically and racially homogenized countries seem to have more cohesive cultures that foster family togetherness.
I’ve watched our country become more ethnically and racially diverse over the decades, and we’ve certainly gained something from it. But there’s no doubt in my mind that we’ve lost something too.
The Italian, Asian and Indian cultures come to mind; even in America most seem to maintain strong generational bonds and it is wonderful to see. Our own family is Italian and Chinese, Baby Boomer and Gen X mom and dad, and we cherish family connectedness across our cultures, generations and across the ocean to our ancestors there.
We couldn’t imagine it any other way. We view it as our lifeblood and sustenance.
I think focusing on the expensive commercial outfitter mentioned in the article is missing the point; the author was giving an example. Certainly most families can’t afford such prices, but there are much lower priced activities of all kinds elsewhere for every pocketbook. Everyone can stitch together fun activities they can afford.
Please do it for your family. In the words of family therapist John Bradshaw and psychoanalyst Erik Erickson, elders should strive to create “generativity,” a concern for guiding the next generation.
Kudos to the author for highlighting this issue!
3
It gets more complicated when the parents are divorced and have different lifestyles and financial resources. Additionally, also a problem when the children are married with their own children and don't live in the same city. I usually just give up.
16
Clearly this article's focus is on the positive sides of parent and adult children interactions, but I would have liked to see more discussion about reconciling different expectations. In my nuclear family, my parents have not yet figured out how to respect me and my adult sibling (both around 30) as autonomous adults. They are so scared of a given event being "the last family time" that they set too high and rigid expectations.
It's great that my parents still want to spend time with me, but I feel like I'm living in the movie "Groundhog Day" when I visit, in a perpetual loop of performing my teenage-self. This makes even low-key family time stressful and unappealing for me.
Addressing others' comments in this thread, I agree that having a showy vacation is not necessary. Really adult kids will want to come home and spend time with their parents when their parents can see them for who they've become and let go of who they think their children are supposed to me.
93
@Emma Totally agree, as a parent -- I need to manage my expectations better for trips if we are lucky enough to have them (we all have different travel styles), and it's always an occupational hazard going "home" and being treated as a 12 year old (probably true for your parents and their parents as well!)
10
Don't feel bad -- my mother doesn't respect me as an adult either, and I'm 58! I just consider it great training for how I treat my own 24-year-old daughter.
25
@Emma: I actually think it's easier to get along when you travel together. When adult children go "home," it's often too easy for everyone to drag out their old parent/child roles and all the baggage that goes with that. How can your parents not see you as your old teenage self when you're literally sleeping in your old teenage bed and carrying your laundry down to basement for mom to wash?
9
What a nice thing for a healthy, centered family with plenty of disposable income! Parents who can afford to take their adult children and their spouses on all these trips. The alternative if they cannot do so is to do something close to home, which assumes the adult kids can actually afford (career-wise) to stay in the same town their parents raised them in. Maybe something for folks in big cities with lots of prosperity. Now we’re back again at the wealth thing.
What I’d love to read is a piece on how to deepen and maintain relationships between parent and child despite distance and financial constraints. So many of us adult children are from other countries or states where we (some heartbroken) left our parents and families behind. Many parents of the former generation don’t know how to create intimacy and friendship with their adult children.
Parent-funded trips are a dream and if you can afford it, you should not waste a moment of this life and go for it. But what should the rest of us do?
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@Laura M. I spend the week in another city from my husband and youngest son. We do FaceTime/Dinnnertime to mimic the family meal. It means we catch up on the day, can see each other and stay connected. Also, family group texts to share pictures, updates, jokes etc are another way to stay connected.
11
We often just have extended family get-togethers. If we have a special visitor coming, I put out a call on our family whatsapp chat, and usually a large share of the family comes. It doesn't need to be an exclusive vacation somewhere.
9
On the issue of who pays for what.
In 1973 when I was 25 with a new BS degree my Ohio parents took my NYer huband and I on a car trip which included Niagra Falls and Sudbury, Ontario, among other places. They paid for virtually everything. It wasn't fancy-schmantzy but very pleasant. In ensuing years we mostly visited in each other's homes.
In the by the time I was in my late 30s I was divorced and earning very nice money. My father liked nothing better than to go to a nice restaurant and have his daughter openly pick up the check. That was back in the days when women who were treating were still expected to discretely hand the money to a male companion who would then pay the waiter.
In 1990 while I was working in NYC for a Swedish company I arranged for them to meet me in Copenhagen, take the ferry to Malmo and we drove around pretty much all of southern Sweden. We staid at some very nice places that I paid for. They did extend the trip to other countries for several weeks and footed the bill for that.
A decade later I was buying my mother's airline tickets for her annual visits to my brother's family in DC.
I think all this was easier because my parents were always open about household finances with my brother and me when we were growing up.
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@carol goldstein How wonderful that your family supports each other financially and emotionally. This is a lovely dynamic and one we too have in our family. My husband and I have two grown sons, 25 and 30 who live in New York City and Baltimore. We do not have the means to see each other more than two or three times a year, but email and text everyday along with phone calls several times a week. We also are close with their live-in girlfriends. When we do get together, our sons often pay for our dinner. It is wonderful to see the pride our sons take in treating their parents. We do not live in close proximity, but still make decisions as a family. We also support each other emotionally and financially giving what is needed to each family member. My husband and I truly enjoy and appreciate our sons as adults much more than during the financially and physically demanding childhood and teenage years.
6
In the mid-1980s women were handing money to men to pay a bill with? I must have missed this--don't remember anything like it. I am just under 60.
2
My older daughter (20 at the end of the month and a junior in college) and I are closer now than we were in high school. Her freshman year in college, she asked to spend spring break in Florida - with me at a condo my sister and I inherited from her grandparents. We have done this trip each year and spent many wonderful hours together when she is home on break and during the summer.
My hope is that things will be similar with her younger sister (now a HS junior) as she ages. I love the women that my girls are becoming/have become.
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Our adult children(30-34) some with partners relish our family vacations even if short. Our motto has always been if you pick an interesting trip and pay they will go. We even discuss where and when we should go and prioritize trips. Works every time.
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@Kathy Yeah, paying helps!
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@truth When we travel w adult children and grandchildren we usually pay a good portion of the beach house rental and subsidize travel as needed. But, each family contributes what they can. Some buy groceries. Some cook meals. This summer we gathered in CO where we and our eldest son live. Much less expensive and the great outdoors was a thrill for our Brooklyn grandchildren. Do what you can to bring your family together however, wherever you can.
13
What works for my family is renting a house large enough for parents, children and grandchildren. Usually the grandchildren want to all be in the same room which helps. The cost is divided by bedrooms - if house has 5 brs each person or couple pays a fifth. If a family wants 2 br because kids want more privacy or space, they pay for 2 rooms. If one couple can’t afford the entire amount the grandparents usually contribute or the cost is divided by four and the “financially challenged” person contributes a smaller amount or some other way. We all know each other’s circumstances and we like to be altogether at least once a year.
We ha e had very good luck with VRBO’s.
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When my kids were little, I paid for my mother to take vacations with us because she could not afford to come otherwise, and I enjoyed having her along. Now I pay for my adult children to come too. As they get older and more financially stable, I am letting them assume more expenses. One day they may be paying for me. I hope not, but I hope they will want to if it comes to that.
46
The expense prevents many families from undertaking traveling trips with the family. In our case, it would require many separate bedrooms and parents would feel obligated to pay for the entire adventure, beyond the means of many.
Everyone staying at the "homestead," is too "old hat" for grown children. A real dilemma. As a general proposition, if the NYT editors would build into their review the following question, people of more modest means would be more included: "Is this something that a variety of income levels can achieve?" I recognize that many readers are quite wealthy, but some are not.
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@Roberta N. I'm glad you raised this important issue. I did hope to convey that you don't need to vacation together to create bonding moments with this sentence:
If budgets or timing don’t allow for travel, hiking close to home or going out for lunch and a visit to a local museum can work, too.
And the end of the piece is intended to make that point clear as well:
Whether you take a vacation or just spend time together at a movie or a restaurant, he noted, “Your highest yield time is to just be with each other and enjoy each other.”
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@Roberta N. In our family we have always camped with the kids. We drive to beautiful places, we bring our own food, they have their own tents and sometimes we go with other families. It is relaxing and inexpensive. Not much is scheduled. Sometimes they hand out with us and sometimes they hang out with each other and friends. One of my favorite parts is we usually don’t have cell service.
16
I always think the same thing when I see or read a story on a well-attended American wedding or engagement party held in Tuscany or Bangkok.
10
Interesting story but it fails to address who pays for what on these family vacations. It implies that the parents are paying since the examples are of children in college. What about parents of children in their late 20’s, who may be launched into careers? The issue of how all the expenses of a trip are divided up could be a fraught one for families. I would have liked to see that discussed, too.
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@Diane Great point. That could indeed be the subject of a separate article. The parents I interviewed did pay for the vacations. But that may not always be the case -- nor would it necessarily be as the children grow older and have families of their own.
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@J. Halpert We went on a family vacation as adults (my siblings and I were in our thirties, all married, 2/3 of us had kids) with my parents. They rented the beach house and we all paid our own way there. Seemed to work just fine. Of course, we haven't repeated the experience so what do I know.