My Best Friend Died by Suicide. I Wish I Had Seen the Warning Signs.

I'm a recently retired Dept. of the Army Civilian Employee. We had to take suicide prevention training every year even though we were civilians & the training was military-based. The Army program is called ACE: Ask, Care, Escort. I'm surprised the AF doesn't have a similar program. My condolences to the writer.

There is one thing that I feel is wrong about the PTSD diagnosis. It basically emphasizes that it is the individual's response to horrors experienced that is at the root of the problem. But it's the horrors, and then the denial by the authorities about the nature of the horrors, and failure to provide a secure way back into society away from war that are the problems. Perhaps in a sense, it's that the military -- any military -- and the events that are "sick" and PTSD is a realistic human response. That doesn't mean that there shouldn't be treatment, just that it is remarkable that any of those who are sent into war zones - sometimes repeatedly -- don't suffer from the experiences.

"...he distrusted the broader military purpose behind what we were trying to accomplish in Iraq and Afghanistan." I wonder if it makes it even harder for vets when the wars seem endless and pointless, and when the all volunteer force simultaneously makes it easier for politicians to promote military intervention while minimizing the number of people who actually serve. It must be harder to cope if hardly anybody knows what you've gone through.

What you are doing will help others. And doing it releases your own feelings of helplessness as well. The VA system -- of ALL places - should be set up so as NEVER to have to turn away someone who actually has the guts and insight to recognize that they are suicidal and need help. One idea - to extend their reach of services - might be to work at establishing a wide reaching peer system of fellow vets who are familiar with PTSD, mental health issues, and suicidal feelings and behavior, so that - if the person asking for help is willing - they could be sent out that very day to establish contact. It's important that the intervenor be able to listen calmly, and accept that this person may have rational personal reasons for considering ending their life. But that they will engage them and insist on seeing them again - which can prevent someone from acting in a moment of desperation. Seeing where and how the person is living also tells much more than can be seen in an office. About guilt: it's not worthless only when motivates others, like yourself, to learn about PTSD and act on your knowledge. A concerned friend or professional can often prevent someone from suicide. But not always. Some who have considered suicide for a long time may not be doing this impulsively, but have a plan, kept private. They may not give obvious signs of their intention. About your friend: he actually did seek help and didn't get it. That's an outrage.

The media should feature more articles on suicide. TV always has 1-2 homicides daily, but only reports on suicides of well-known people. Another vaping death? Well, on average there are almost 125 suicides in our country EVERY day.

Thank you for such a moving article.

Thank you, Colonel, for voicing that which is often left silent !

I have no idea why the VA pretty much refuses to help soldiers with PTSD. Is it a lack of money? That would seem to be the case . . . Why?

I feel almost patronizing writing, "What a tragedy!" in response to this piece, because the experiences and the stresses of those in our military services, particularly during the past two decades, are often well beyond what most of us have experienced. What I do relate to, and what makes me furious, is how the VA system is so bureaucratic, incompetent and intransigent, that it fails far too many of those who by all rights should be receiving the most solicitous treatment of the highest quality.

"it would take weeks to enroll him in the system." Bureaucratic ineptitude was the final nail in his coffin. He didn't have "weeks" and they didn't really care or personally identify with him enough to know that weeks wouldn't work. He became just another number. Which is also a huge problem with todays health care generally. You're just another number. You walk in with a problem and they schedule you with a specialist....and it ends up that three months later is when they can get you in. So you sit and wait while the problem gets steadily worse. In this case it was fatal...I wonder how many other cases end with the same result?

My father was a Vietnam veteran who suffered from severe PTSD. Thus, I also suffered from the ravages of that stupid war. He had issues with controlling his rage, and I was beaten often. I watched him put a gun to his head a few times as well. I was shocked when at long last, he received an official diagnosis (long after I was out of the house). Knowing it wasn't my fault, that I could not have behaved better to prevent the abuse was meaningful. It allowed me to research what PTSD meant, how it affects millions of children of war vets. Regardless of the VA-provided doctors' diagnoses (multiple doctors and therapists confirming PTSD and subsequent agoraphobia, OCD, etc.), the VA denied him benefits for years, even going so far as to state that he was not in certain missions, etc. and calling him a liar. In addition to mental scars, his body was ravaged by kidney issues, heart issues, diabetes, and ultimately throat cancer, which spread and killed him. His doctors believe exposure to myriad chemical agents of war contributed to his diseases and cancer. I think decades of untreated emotional disorders also took part in his illnesses and cancer. The body holds the score of our battles. My body holds the burden of a childhood filled with war perpetrated by a man who was broken and a society that ignored my bruises and the effects of his service to his country.

Very sorry for your loss and to those who cared for and loved this person. That being said, unless and until the deluded sense of honor that comes with being a warrior is weeded out of our cultural ethics, or lack there of, the trauma of PTSD, will continue to snowball because this very mentality is what creates so much carnage. That behavior exacts a toll, not only on the the victims and recipients of that behavior but on the ones dealing it out. Maybe it would be tougher, both mentally and physically, to ask oneself the question “Should I join a lethal, killing machine called the military, or should I figure out why I think it’s ok to use violence to perpetuate my country’s agenda, not sign up, and find less violent ways to better the world” Let’s be honest, the US military is not a defensive force, guarding against invasion. We’re often, not always, aggressors, economic imperialists that send our troops wherever our business interests need to be maintained, protected or established. When you sign up for the armed forces, you’re signing up to be a centurion for that agenda. The brutal violence that ensues and its aftermath, including PTSD, are to be expected. What about the PTSD of some kid that watched his/her city destroyed, family members killed and mutilated and culture over turned by our military? Violence wrecks the victim and the doer.

Such a heartbreaking story, but so predictable. Our culture encourages men to put aside their feelings and even reason as weaknesses. Sometimes, substitutes are offered, such as patriotism or religious faith. The military scours the nation for emotionally stunted swords, then hones them to razor sharpness, all the while counting on some kind of repressed or undeveloped inner strength, or magical religious mania, to carry them along through wrenching times in the service and when they’re no longer of use and tossed aside on the ash heap of history as a younger, more naive cohort is recruited.

Thank you for sharing this painful story. It will help a lot of people in the military, and police and others. Military and paramilitary leaders need to understand PTSD and other issues such as anxiety disorder. Someone close to me was warned with friendly intention that he could blow his fourteen year Army Reserves career if he revealed he was on psych medication. He was afraid to get refills when deployed. (Luckily he pulled through his deployment.) This topic comes up again and again. There’s too much shame around PTSD. We need to start taking care of those who take care of us, beginning with a deep understanding that PTSD is treatable if we first acknowledge and accept it simply as an outcome of certain stress factors and events. No shame and no blame.

There are some gaps in the story especially after 2011. It might have helped to include interviews with others who were close to Neil Landsberg after he left the service. Tragic nonetheless.

Rest in peace. Condolences. So many find the answer to extreme pain in suicide. Suicide does not end pain. It transfers it. It spreads the pain to surviving friends and family. So many groups with "macho" bias do not help.

The 'signs' are inside of us, as is the solution. Do you steer conversations about difficult, emotional topics to something lighter when your friend or family member engages you about them? Do you distance yourself from a friend or relative because they bore you with talk about themselves and their difficult family lives? Are you allergic to spending time with people when there is no activity so that there's no possibility for intimacy? Recently, a lonely, divorced middle aged woman started reaching out to me to go to concerts and events. As a woman, I welcome a new potential friend. I explained to her that my evenings were not free right now, but that I'd enjoy taking walks with her in the morning or another time. She ignored my suggestion about walks and continued to bombard me with requests to attend evening lectures, concerts. In other words, she had no interest in actually connecting with me; she just needed someone to go with her to an event. A walk would have been a time to build intimacy. Is she suicidal? I have no idea, but her lack of interest in intimacy is a sign, and thus she could be. On the other hand, perhaps potential suicidal thoughts of my own might be triggered if I try to talk to a friend or family member about a personal matter, and they start to indicate they've had enough or look bored. That's crushing. Our discomfort with intimacy absolutely creates suicidal thoughts in our friends and loved ones, as well as in ourselves.

Thanks for this. My old roommate and close friend killed himself a few years ago after he got home from a deployment. Too many of the people I served with have died over the years, before they turned 40. I wish there was something I could do.

As someone who lost a close family member to suicide, nine years ago, I wish we would stop with these self serving articles. The author appears to have very little contact with his friend. The mental illnesses that lead to suicide are extremely complex. How would he know? At that point he was a causal friend. Many of us in the family survivors community resent the idea that 100% of suicides are preventable and resent this mentality of “maybe I could have saved him (or her).” I will never forget my brother in law saying to me once that his last phone call, if he had known, could have been HIS opportunity to save my brother. I shook my head as I put the phone down. As I said above, these illnesses are extremely complex and the road to suicide for anyone is complex. Let’s get over the idea, that one phone call or one email would have saved the person. It’s not about you. It’s about the pain and suffering of the person that ended their life because they died of mental illness.

Thank you for writing about your friend Neil’s suicide. I lost my son to suicide when he was 23 years old. He died in 2003. Unlike Neil, my son was sick from a very young age. He had severe depression, autism, and lapsed into psychosis during his teens. His psychosis required medication that changed him a lot, taking away his wonderful sense of humor and no doubt causing other side effects of which I was unaware. My son, like your friend, worked hard to find meaning in his life, something to live for. He was gifted intellectually, even graduating eighth in his high school class while an outpatient at a mental health center. He sought help through books (“A Beautiful Mind” was one) and checked himself into behavioral health centers many times. He was in therapy for several years. Yet, still he couldn’t make it. I’ve come to terms with his suicide. I look at him as a hero, someone who fought very hard yet lost the battle. I think our brains can become ill due to neurological changes that arise from the experiences we’ve had. PTSD changes one’s brain. This is hard to say for me, but maybe when people feel pain beyond that which we ourselves can even imagine, ending that suffering — letting go — might be okay. I say this to you because it is possible that you could not have done anything to change Neil’s decision to end his life. For my son, I think he had to go. The pain was too great, and no human power could lessen it. With sympathy and respect, Glenna

What a heartbreaking, touching account of your friend’s service and subsequent consequences. I am so sorry for your loss. We can at least consider ourselves fortunate that DoD is increasingly doing more to address these issues (relative to even five years ago), but clearly we’ve only just started. I hope that stories such as yours will inspire continuing efforts to address this epidemic.

I’m so sorry for your loss . And the pain you feel not seeing his symptoms and therefore feeling that you perhaps missed an opportunity to intervene on his behalf. Certainly you can rest assured that you reached out with care and affection and hope to encourage him to move forward. One thing that stands out is some of the wording . Calling him stoic . Calling him strong . Perhaps these qualities aren’t really helpful . The opposite of stoic is emotional -it certainly might have helped if he felt his feelings and got help rather than stuff them or build a wall . A facade that in essence trapped him with his pain . Strong . The opposite is weak . Is it strong to “ shut down” and turn off ? I think it takes strength to weep , to feel pain , to be vulnerable and ask for help . These adjectives underlie the mold which “real” men are supposed to become . It’s dangerous and risky when people are confined to narrow definitions of what it means to be a man . And perhaps the fear of criticism and shame for wanting to open up and let their full humanness show makes it impossible for some men to heal emotionally . Words matter.

Please accept my condolences to you on the death of your colleague. Whoever she is or wherever she is, I want to thank the social worker on the other end of the VETS hotline who told me that to shorten the wait time for treatment to take my son to the VA emergency room. I had been trying to get him treated or an appointment with a VA psychiatrist for days on end. After calling the hotline, I drove straight to the closet VA Emergency room. A psychiatric nurse examined my son, set him up with follow up appointments, and prescribed medication. It took months to get to this stage of treatment. I am fortunate that my son did not commit suicide while waiting for the VA to "get its act together". Perhaps it is better now. No doubt others have had better experiences because some VAs may be better than others, but the lack of treatment provided for PTSD for returning Vets is nothing short of a scandal. There were 23 veteran suicides a day the last time I checked. We have to have a better response to PTSD not only for veterans but active-duty military and their families.

My friend and former husband, a survivor of severe childhood abuse and dysfunction, depression and anxiety killed himself 3 years ago. I was not aware enough of the symptoms. I am sorry for your loss. The government owes our service people far more than they provide. Keep talking. Keep people informed.

The traumatic nature of war creates an extreme burden for service members that overlays the pressures of ordinary life. That a country fails to care for its service members is a failure of its moral responsibility, patriotism and leadership at a political level. My father served in the British Royal Marines during World War 2 and I had the great privilege of meeting men he served with at their regular Royal Marines Association meetings. They all had jobs, families, and resources to care for themselves and each other as they did, they were accepted and respected by the society they defended, they had a profound sense of moral right that gave them strength, and the countries they had fought as enemies had reformed and become good members of the community of Western nations. I also remember hearing Dad’s nightmares. I am thankful that after the war he lived a happy life. America was late in joining World War 2 but since then it has been premature and dishonest in its rush to war. There is no moral support for the soldiers who fought in Iraq on the basis of George W.Bush’s lies. This matters deeply for it gives soldiers strength. The necessary initiative to deal with Islamic terror has not been well-fought while we pander to the prime perpetrators of terror - Saudi Arabia and Islam. Returning soldiers find it harder to re-integrate because jobs are being exported to China. A sense of momentum and purpose and a caring environment can help these great people keep on rolling.

I went through a chronic illness which left me bed-bound and near paralyzed for almost two years. During that experience, I learned how cruel the world can be, and I cannot un-see that. I think PTSD is when people (trauma victims) learn to see the world for how it really is (a meat grinder where all sentient life forms are merely slaves to DNA and genetics and mostly lacking any free will), but then have to learn how to function in a world where everyone else is oblivious to that fact. Understanding all this - and I mean really understanding it - is a difficult thing for most people to handle, because so many of us are so conditioned to think the world is rainbows and unicorns. We read about the horrors on the news, but that is "happening to them - not me." I think PTSD must be a modern illness. People in past ages knew how the world really was, and they did not suffer such mismatched expectations. I do not now what the answers are and how to treat this stuff. But, recognizing the root cause is a good start.

I have called the suicide hotline before - the counselor interrupted me within the first five minutes saying her shift was over and she needed to hang up. I say this because I see the number referenced repeatedly - as though it will really help. It doesn't. More help is needed - not just a marginal hotline, but more connection, more care, more community.

Just imagine if this sort of extreme effort were put into practicing piano or writing a great novel or researching cures for deadly diseases. What a waste. What a sickening and colossal waste the military is. How many millions of lives have been destroyed by this madness?

"Today, I accept that I can’t change the actions that led up to Neil’s suicide, but I can control actions I take in the future." Profound condolences on the death of your best friend. I have been on both sides of this horrific issue, both as a counselor and as someone who came closer than close to being not here. I think the most important issue is what you stated - accepting what happened and controlling actions today. Thank you for sharing your painful story.

To Lr. Col. Magruder: I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. It’s terrible to realize in hindsight what you might have been able to do to ease his pain. Thank you for sharing this and hopefully it will help someone down the line. As the mother of a young man just finishing his training to be an officer with Air Force Special Forces this year, this article is truly frightening. I am filled with fear for when he is deployed next year. After reading this heart-wrenching article, I realize my sweet little boy will never be the same no matter what happens. Thank you for making me aware.

My brother recently sent me this article from a 60 Minutes piece (our older brother committed suicide). The study's focus on PTSD (and your friend's story) reinforces what I've always suspected, that suicide is more of a panicky, impulsive act. Maybe this treatment can help: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/sgb-a-possible-breakthrough-treatment-for-ptsd-60-minutes-2019-06-16/

I lost a friend thirty odd years ago, he was a RAF pilot he just one day shot himself. The hardest part was he was buried in a paupers grave. Sadly we did not know for some time afterwards I often think about him & regret not being in closer contact.

People who sign up need to understand that, as far as this country is concerned, they are disposable. They will be saluted at political fundraisers, and hailed as they go off to war. But as soon as the conflict is over, they will be discarded, over-looked, shelved, moth-balled, left to their own devices, and then forgotten. It's been that way for a long, long time. And it's one of the single most disgraceful aspects of our society. But, of course, we aren't alone in this. Alan Turning helped England win the war. Then they chemically castrated him. Robert Oppenheimer helped us win WWII, then they had him investigated for 10 years until they cancelled his security clearance - which destroyed him. "Thanks for all your help! Now, shove off!"

Thank you for your service, sir. I am a mental health professional. Suicide is complicated -- individual human brings are very complex and undersr severe stress, they cannot always find their way. You have done what you can - bless you. I can tell you the previous two comments here were right on, kind and compassionate. Kindness and compassion is some of the best medicine and the most help for folks like you, a suicide survivor . You have survived. Your friend took his own life. Keep in mind always that you are separate individuals, with different goals and yes, different ways of handling life's challenges. Please get a referral to a good therapist to care for you. You are hurting a lot and you need to have someone there outside to listen to you. You are a sentient, very decent human being and of course, you will hurt like hell over this death. Just recall, there are paths to self-care and you can move past this terrible experience. For your family's sake, your wife's sake and more than that, for your own sake, please ask and go for help to find those ways. Again, thank you for your service, sir. Warm best wishes for you.

To prevent suicide in veterans stop fighting useless wars. If you do participate in such needless slaughter, man up and admit you were wrong. Hiding behind patriotism does not erase the soul injury.

Leave it to military to put an acronym onto something; Resilience Tactical Pause— but that’ll be good if it saves one person from self annihilation

Your article is heart-breaking. The problem is that in the toxic male culture, there is nothing that you could have done differently. While men are subjected to living their whole lives in a straight jacket of strict denial of human pain and emotion --- we are bambarded constantly by women's articles about how they are the ones, who have no equality. It is men -- who are treated like disposable dirt. Millions are regularly sacrificed in wars, in dirty dangerous jobs, and are supposed to fend for themselves -- in any crisis. If you had been as supportive of your friend as women are to each other, and as men are to women -- your friend would have been embarrassed and confused. Your article is a brave cry for understanding the real inequality that exists in our society between the genders.

Here's a thought: let's stop sending our kids to fight illegitimate wars of imperialism. And abolish the so-called "Volunteer" military, a huge part of the problem.

My experience losing a family member to suicide is personal tragedy. Our nation’s experience losing so many servicemen & servicewomen to suicide is a national disgrace. We have to do better.

It makes me so sad to hear that this young mans friend could not get the help he needed. My God! He was a vet, how much money he makes should make no difference at all when it comes to providing him with care. What is wrong with this nation that we have come to this point where our vet's are left to the vagaries of a health care system that just damages them more? I cant help but cry.

I encourage anyone with similar thoughts to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Nothing is wrong with "you." PTSD is an overload of emotional charge in the nervous system. I highly encourage people to peek around the MAPS website, read Waking the Tiger or go to www.reddit.com/r/mdmatherapy.

The moral injury caused by being involved in war is finally being studied. War deeply injures all involved. The author could not have helped his friend, and likely has PTSD himself.

This is a story of so many failures; the military's failure to support those currently serving, the VA in timely and effective treatment, and our culture that sends good people to do horrible things without acknowledging the emotional cost, and the civilian medical world that send him out knowing that treatment would be hard to access. We have to do better. Neil Landsberg could have been an amazing ex-serviceman, working and contributing to our country, making a life for himself outside of war. We lost him because we failed him, after he did everything he could for us.

"He followed the V.A.’s application process, only to receive a letter denying him treatment because his income was too high. The letter arrived three weeks after Neil died." So, in other words, because he wasn't destitute and had achieved perhaps a decent salary after serving and putting his life on the line repeatedly, the Veterans Administration offered no treatment. This is a despicable policy and it should be rescinded immediately. Treatment by the VA for PTSD after serving should be provided to ALL who served, not just those below some income line. This is a heartbreaking story and we all know it's happening every day in every state of this so-called union.

I'm confused about something. I thought any vet with an honorable D/C was entitled to care by the V.A. healthcare system no matter what their income. Is this assumption incorrect?

Would it really be so bad if our culture redefined what it means to be brave and strong and a man? Could that possibly lead to anything other than more peace in the world?

Thank you for writing this heartfelt remembrance about your friend and fellow soldier. I’m so sorry that he took his own life. If only our so-called leaders would seriously consider the devastating consequences of sending young men and women to wage their wretched wars. “All war is a symptom of man's failure as a thinking animal.” — John Steinbeck

What a tragedy, I am so sorry for this beautiful man's pain and for that of his family and loved ones left behind. And he was not wrong to question the pointlessness of our troops' presence in the Middle East. The best way to support them is to bring all of them home.

We are taught to bury and hide these feelings, turn the heat up "over there" and turn it "off at home". It took decades and involvement in the nation's longest war to realize our forces are being run down physically and mentally. It is great commanders like you who are making a difference. Thank you for sharing.

“If someone that strong could succumb to the pressures of post-traumatic stress disorder...” You don’t have to serve on the battlefield to suffer PTSD; trauma takes many forms. Dissolving into a troubled state you don’t understand is one involuntary response. If you could get out of it, of course you would. But your mind is hurt, working it harder doesn’t help. Effective treatment is available, but you have to somehow find your way to it. Not everyone does. So sad this story.

Daniel, thank you for your courage in telling your story. It can not have been easy. I'm so sad over the loss of your friend Neil, but please do not blame yourself for missing the "signs." These tragedies are just as often unavoidable as they are preventable. As others have said, your story will inspire others, and will make a difference. Neil's death will not be in vain, nor will your suffering: your words will bring even more needed attention to this terrible epidemic. You are in my prayers.

Thank you for sharing your story and Neil's story. Your words will help countless people who read them - whether servicemembers or the family and friends of servicemembers. PTSD kills. More needs to be done to alleviate the suffering and to prevent suicides. Thanks for taking this on.

Thank you for sharing your memories of your buddy, your experience and your frustrations. Your thoughts shed light on complex challenges in trying to reach, and treat, those of us who are suicidal. I know this first hand. I recently attempted to end my life with an overdose. For reasons I still can't explain, I failed. I've decided that was some cosmic intervention and I'm trying to rebuild the life on which I'd previously given up. Before my attempt, I consumed all sorts of media on the subject of suicide. Mostly this made me realize how very little is understood about the conditions which foment suicide or the people who choose this path. Ironically, this is due to the fact that the most valuable cohort to study and understand isn't available - they've succeeded in suicide. And, likely left few clues or insights into "why"? Add to this the extreme stigma of raising one's hand to admit "I'm suicidal". Even if that barrier is overcome, as it was with your brave friend, assuredly many aspects of our civilian/military/veteran healthcare systems are likely to fail the patient. Care is painfully inadequate, often misguided, and awful at preventing suicide. I wish I had an answer. I don't. I don't believe that solutions are going to be apparent in the "rear view mirror". As a society, we seem incapable of fundamentally dealing with suicide preemptively. Nor is there any significant successful innovative treatment widely available. Is there truly a satisfactory explanation why?

Thank you for a beautiful portrait of a true warrior and patriot who deserved so much more from the government he served.

"Suicide has a number of complex and interrelated and underlying contributing factors...that can contribute to the feelings of pain and hopelessness..." This is from the campaign release for today is World Suicide Prevention Day. This painful article that Daniel Magruder has written will hopefully make a difference when it comes to mental health. In my list of contacts is the National Sucide Prevention Line: 1-800-273-8255. This is a number to call not only for those in need of help when having thoughts of sucide but those who are concerned for a family member or friend and need guidance in how to help their loved one. Again thank you Daniel for your honesty. You are a great friend to Neil. May he Rest In Peace.

Thanks to Lt. Col Magruder for this important piece. Shedding more daylight on this crisis will save lives. The brave men and women who serve our nation deserve better. They deserve better access to mental health care, they deserve a culture that doesn't stigmatize grief and trauma, and they deserve politicians that don't send them into unwinnable, unending conflicts in the first place.

Thank you for sharing this difficult and heart wrenching story. Many of us grew up learning (falsely) that showing fear, pain, and tears is a sign of weakness. In truth, there is a special strength in being vulnerable. I hope you will also seek psychological support for yourself, Daniel. Suicide of a close friend or family member is devastating. Thank you for doing podcasts and reaching out to others, but remember to take care of yourself, too.

This was heartbreaking. Being a suicide survivor means being left with many unanswered questions. I hope that programs for self care, resilience and suicide prevention are always fully funded, both for active duty military, veterans and civilians. On demand crisis support should be available. More importantly we cannot forget the friends and family left behind when a suicide does happen. You never really “get over it”, you just try to manage to get through it with compassion.