Don’t overlook that the super wealthy and self appointed elite have stacked the game against you and have eroded out meritocracy just when we need our best to solve the climate crisis/political crisis/surge in demented boomers/social security crisis/challenge to multicultural integration/ Republican treason train,etc. Remember that great people unwilling to abide the false elite’s self established laws of “gravity” will change the world. We just need enough of you to embrace idealism AND practicality.
3
And here's a note to parents.
When you find yourself sniffling over the prospect of a newly empty nest and the realization that your baby is no longer a baby and no longer belongs exclusively to you (they belong to themselves now!), stop and ask yourself:
"Would I really prefer the opposite - to have an adult child who will never be totally independent because their intellectual disability makes that impossible?"
As a retired special education teacher who spent decades working with intellectually disabled adults, I can tell you the answer to that question - it's no, you would NOT prefer that! You would NOT prefer being haunted by the fear of what will happen to your adult child when you're dead. You would NOT prefer to watch your friends say goodbye to their newly-minted freshman students as they leave their homes for college. And you would CERTAINLY not prefer to listen to those friends grouse about how lonely their newly-empty nest has become!
Take it from me, parents of new college students. You REALLY wouldn't prefer the above scenario!
5
@Phoenix Yes, I agree. I have both.
You read in the news about prodigies- people who graduate college or achieve certain professional milestones at a younger age. Don’t aim to be these people!! Your working life will be long and your college experience short. Being the youngest person at your job isn’t particularly fun, even if your job is to be a professor. Nobody really cares about your age, and many coworkers won’t even know how old you are. Don’t shorten your college experience simply because you earned a ton of college credit through AP coursework. Enjoy the college experience for as long as you can!!
10
Three things:
1) If you are depressed, or simply sleeping a lot and feeling sad, go see a therapist. See either the one on campus or go to a private one, but go. I suffered a long time and wish I had talked to someone earlier.
2) You’ve got nothing but time to reap the rewards of compound interest and stock gains— time you’ll never get back. Invest any money you are able now- even if it is just a little bit!!
3) Eventually- your college experience will be distilled down on your resume to the year you graduated and the degree you received. FINISH YOUR DEGREE. It doesn’t matter if it takes longer or if you have to take easier classes- just make sure you finish.
7
Around 99% of the value you derive from your time here will come from your own effort and attitude and choices. Actually that goes for post-college life, too.
8
I’m very sad about all the comments suggesting not to thank Veterans. Of course Veterans are entitled to their feelings and I totally understand them. And I get maybe even not wanting to be disturbed by strangers. But I’ve said thank you to Veterans. Mostly WWII and Vietnam Vets cause those are the ones I’ve come into contact with. I’m not trying to be condescending. I am honestly thanking them for putting their lives on the line and living under harsh conditions for their country whether it was voluntarily or, even worse, not. I’m a 60 year old woman who never would have been drafted or really been physically capable of joining say VMI so I actually do appreciate that these people did what I didn’t or couldn’t do. My brother is a voluntary Vet though I haven’t had this conversation with him. I wish there was perhaps another phrase we could say to convey what, to me, are much more than “thoughts and prayers”. But are deep feelings of gratitude and grace. Maybe, “Thanks for your sacrifice and hard work.”. What they’ve done is a supreme sacrifice and they deserve all our thanks and much much more. (Thank goodness the gop got over their temper tantrum and voted for more medical aid for Veterans! It’s the VERY least they can do. The way the Government treats our Vets is outrageous!) The reason people started thanking Vets, remember, is because they were treated like criminals when they returned from Vietnam and we wanted to atone for that.
3
Grades are overrated, and weak predictors of success. Do your best, but don't obsess or be prideful about them. The important soft skills you acquire will serve you the most.
6
In addition to all the above - register to vote if you haven’t already, apply for an absentee ballot well before the deadline, and use that stamp for your absentee ballot!
6
Wonderful. Id give my son all this same advice, with the addition of “do laundry once a week religiously”. Maybe send it piecemeal as a serialized list with care packages? From my ownExperience teens off to college do still need guidance; it rattles around the brain unheeded, and then something clicks.
4
If you get a sports scholarship, make sure the units you take
help you earn towards your field of study.
Best place to be a volunteer is at the registrars office the week
of class registration, those students usually get their class choice
first
4
How can we parents ever cover every possible situation our child might face? That said. if we have taught them to be critical thinkers, empathetic and kind, and people with moral compasses then I want to believe we can trust them with the complicated minutiae of being human.
And if we can’t trust that they can do that, then we, as parents, need to hold the mirror up to ourselves.
4
The next article I chose to read for this contest was named, “Advice to My College Freshman.” Although I selected this article because it is beginning to become that time where it seems as if everyone in my life asks the question ‘So have you begun to look at colleges?’ but truthfully I chose to read this article since my brother is going to venture off into a new chapter of his life also known as college. While reading this article, I came to the realization that even though at times it feels as if our parents are smothering us, they are just preparing us for the “real world” although yes we have lived in the real world for the first eighteen years of our lives. A world where they are unable to protect their children from bumps in the road or from making a wrong decision. However, as humans, it is in our very nature to take a turn down the wrong path, make a mistake, or get lost as long as we eventually find our way back home. Reading this article reminded me that my parents just want what is best for their kids, they want me to expand my horizons and explore the world, they want me to go and make my mark on the planet, even though it may be scary or the hardest thing that I will ever do in my life, and this article reminded me that no matter what I do in my life I will always know that my parents will support me and they just want me to make the most out of my life.
11
Don't write to your professor and say, "I have this other event that I really want to go to; is it OK if I miss your small, discussion-oriented seminar to attend it?" Either attend class or don't, but it's your call and your accountability.
(Note that this is completely different from instances where you have a medical issue or the equivalent—then communication is very important.)
— A Professor
7
and don't schedule all your medical appointments on the exact day and time of your biology lab, and miss half your labs for the semester.
-- a lab instructor
10
"Did we tell you when you see a soldier in uniform you should say “Thank you for your service,” even if it feels corny?"
yeah, don't do this
7
The change from high school to college is such a big change that it can leave great stress on worrying parents and anxious young adults. You can tell from the mood of the author that this is a mother that may be just slightly overprotective, so instead of her daughter being excited for a new life in college, her daughter may be picking up all of the stress of her mother, which is good for no one. Because of this, I believe that parents should not be overprotective with the stress of having their kids grow up. Instead I believe that the parent should do their job of giving good, concise advice, and let the child figure more out by themselves. This can be scary to some parents, because the thought of their child making a mistake can be very scary, but even though learning from mistakes is the hardest way to learn, it is also the best way to learn.
Before Kelly Corrigan’s daughter is about to take off for college she says, “And real quick, before you go, let’s just make sure we covered everything.” She then gives her daughter a quick and stressful speech of almost 700 words about all the things that she shouldn’t do. This advice will most likely make her daughter feel less excited and more scared that she should be about starting college. If I were in Kelly Corrigan’s place, my words would something concise and meaningful such as, “College will be the best 4 years of your life, so make the most of it.”
4
@Brayden W. I love this! You hit it right on the money. As a mom to a daughter I feel that this author pretty much derailed her daughter from wanting to have the college experience when it really should be about 4 years of exploration and learning about oneself.
2
@Brayden W. For heaven's sake, lighten up. Your 16 words wouldn't make for a very good column, now would it? And that's what she's paid to write...
18
@Brayden W. “I believe that parents should...”, “If I were in...” and many other phrases here seem to indicate to me that you are not a parent. Parenting is a role in life truly never understood if not personally experienced.
Also, how lovely for you to designate your words as “meaningful”, as if hers weren’t.
7
"Don’t pose like a swimsuit model on Instagram."?! Good god. Let people pose however they want. This is body-shaming and body-policing. You don't get to control how your grown children decide to "pose."
3
@Reza I think the MOM was suggesting...let's stop objectifying ourselves/women...we are more than our instagram bikini selves...share a photo of yourself doing something ( volunteering)...or a beautiful sunset..
12
The last article I chose to read for this contest was titled, “Advice to My College Freshman”. This article caught my eye because I will be going to college sooner than I probably think and I need all the advice I can get. While reading this article I picked up on the theme of it. It was mainly about parents telling their children to be safe and cautious in college but to also be alert in the classroom, pay attention, study, etc. There were so many pieces of advice, whether they were little or small, they all could have helped a child’s college experience tremendously. For example, when the author mentioned stuff about sitting in the front gets you way better grades because you are more likely to pay attention and ask questions, stuff like that is more helpful to know than you think. College is a time in your life where it could go really good or it could go really bad. When you hang out with the right people and are always cautious, I’m sure everything would be fine. Personally, I’m nervous for college, even though it’s not my turn to go yet. reading this article really gave me some information I would have never thought of, and it all hits home because it sounds like it is coming from a parents point of view who is trying to keep their child safe. In a lot of homes, college is a big topic that kids like me hear about everyday but we never appreciate it until it’s too late. This article reminded me to always listen to my mom because she is looking out for me no matter what.
5
@Makenzi exactly! You are wise and ready for school. :)
2
I found this article very helpful and intriguing. It caught my eye because it’s pretty much the topic of every conversation in my household. My older sister is a senior in high school, so next year she’ll be on the freshman boat. My parents are in a bit of a panic mode when it comes to the SAT, ACT, college essays, resumes, applying to universities, and etc. I assumed they were just panicking because they are strict, but this article taught me that my parents may not be the only ones. It made me realize that this isn’t stressful to only my sister, but my parents as well.
I enjoyed the tone of this writing piece, it was very informative, yet humorous. Corrigan discussed the parents’ point of view as their children graduate high school and leave for college. I think she wrote this exact article to warn, prepare, and to share helpful tips for incoming college freshmen.
3
This week "Advice to My College Freshman" caught my eye because my older sister is actually about to start her college experience. While this article came across as humorous, a list of things college freshman should know going into their first year at Uni, I found the underlying tone to the article to be a bit more bittersweet. We'll soon be dropping my sister off, and I know I myself have been feeling many mixed emotions towards this fact. I'm excited for and so proud of her, but I don't want her to leave. Will she miss being home with the family? Will she be able to handle living away on her own? Will she be happy at college? And logically I know she will thrive with whatever situations are thrown her way, because that's the kind of person she is, but it's still worrying. I know my parents feel the same, but are even more protective. I mean, who could blame them, their baby girl is going off on her own! Reading this article I realized my parents are probably wondering how else they could have prepared my sister for college, and are mentally adding those things to a list to save for when my twin sister and I go to college ourselves. This article gave me more perspective into how my parents must be feeling and handling sending their daughter off to a whole different state. If possible I've gained even more respect for them because I know that no matter how worried they are, or how conflicted and protective they feel, they're ultimately extremely proud and supportive of her.
4
This week I found that the article titled "Advice to My College Freshman" very intriguing. The article discussed the parents' point of view when their kids go to college. Reading this piece opened my perspective on how much leaving for college will impact my parents.
I found this article very interesting because as a junior in high school I am going to start the process of looking for my dream school. I believe that reading this article helped me understand why my parents are so protective of me and what will be going through their mind when it is my turn to go to college.
I believe that the purpose of this article was to warn and prepare college freshman for what the college experience is really like. It discusses topics like what to do when you are struggling to understand a certain topic or that granola bars aren't really a healthy snack. The author wants to help these freshman avoid mistakes that she might have made.
2
As a college grad, I greatly appreciated taking a la course each semester say beyond the requirement. I felt so much more motivated to take care of my physical and mental health when I had regular self care built into my busy schedule. Grad schools usually do not teach you how to care for yourself either
2
As a high school student myself, this article is useful due to my college years coming up in a few years. however, there are some key points to take note of. the article explained what are the things to do and things not to do. for example, it stated that texting and driving is the new drinking and driving of this generation. this is honestly a great article for any student at the age of 15 and onward. the fact that they specify all the other things you don't usually think of in college other than studies. still i think all students should take this information to heart reason being that they might need this later on even after college maybe for when they start their first job or career. i tend to find myself commiting the same mistakes these college students make, for example leaving my electronic devices like my phone and laptop charging over night. i also tend to be self counciuos about my body so technically i don't really need to care a lot, but care enough just to be healthy. i'm not of age yet but when i do reach the legal drinking age i will try and control myself not to drink too much and get drunk and do some dumb stuff. the thing i can't get across is the fact that why pay a lot of money just to get drunk and hammered? props to those students that focus on their studies first before their personal enjoyment in their life. then again it will be all worth it in the end when you get that degree of certification. i will one day be proud of myself for that achievement.
3
Looking up and citing Wikipedia articles is not research.
8
She didn't say anything about safe sex. A clearly senior moment.
8
Advice to parents...
After dropping our kid off at school in North Carolina, we turned around for our drive back to Connecticut. Stopped in D.C. overnight so we could visit the Holocaust Museum the next day. Bad decision.
2
Please talk to your young person about “power.” And Sex as a manipulative tool. College life is already an internal battle ground. Actually, just talk. ANd listen a lot to what THEY think of the world leaving home. IT’s not the lectures, it’s the listening that helps them clarify their own values.
Please tell your college student the difference between a true Academic mentor and a Svengali sexual predator who grooms for months until that vulnerable young person thinks it was “their choice” to go forward with a relationship. They have often done this “choice pick” of students until middle age, when they get really serious about dumping the old wife and getting a new one before they get over the hill. Then it becomes, “Ah, true love, what was I to do?” What does YOUR young person understand TRUST to be?
Look...Why do the Dutch have classes in bicycle riding for the very young? Because they all ride bicycles. Talk about sex.
Our country was founded on Puritan ideals that argue constantly with human nature we do not talk about. Not having dinner with women other than one’s wife, or grabbing women’s private parts cause you feel like it....probably indicate our culture is sexually Insane. Young people have to deal with the likes of Epstein.
14
It's OK to fail - try again, fail better.
And "everybody plays the fool".
4
Dear Lord. This is for me not the grandkid. I am almost broke. Please let me win the lotto..Such an intelligent kid with deadbeat parents. Ahhh always the innocent greatest kid's suffer. uggh.
1
Not to worry, community colleges have a wonderful academic environment that is challenging and affordable with scholarships. They have changed quite a bit and have better professors than many more expensive colleges. A talented student will likely want an advanced degree. Use scholarships and grants for the undergraduate degree and employers for the graduate studies.
1
"craven hygiene"...
I appreciate that like only the mother of two teenaged boys could.
6
And,
- shop at the local farmers market, if available. Pricer? Sure, but you're likely putting money into an actual farmer's or producer's hand, and thus helping your local economy. That's about as grassroots you can get in terms of actually making a difference in the world.
- don't shop at Amazon. Seriously. Just don't.
- learn how to read and use a map. When the Big One hits, you'll thank me. Seriously.
- Don't let your parents talk you into anything you don't want to do. You're legally an adult, and you probably can sue to get them to pay for your BA in history or philosophy. Do what you want to. Get another later, change careers, etc.
- Freedom to do whatever you want entails responsibility for your actions which entails acceptance of consequences. E.g., take advice from a Master (ex) Drunk: a normally intelligent person can do some amazingly stupid things when intoxicated, and no matter how other people see it, no matter how you feel it was not your fault, it is, at least to some extent, often wholly so. And you will remember it all. It may even fester. It will not leave you.
- You never, ever know where 'it' came from, unless you grow or manufacture your own. That applies to food, pharmaceuticals, and more.
- 'The Internet' is interesting and full of...stuff. Libraries are full of knowledge, and they have trained people to help you learn to discern truth from...stuff.
- Your potential degree does not entitle you to nor guarantee you a job.
8
I don’t suppose this comment/advice will be seen by many, but I read most of the comments and didn’t see it mentioned. Perhaps most kids already learned this in high school, but as a parent (and occasional college binge drinker) it was new to me when I learned it a few years ago.
Don’t, don’t, don’t assume that because you held your drunk roomie’s head over the toilet and got him/her to bed that it is safe to leave. There are many instances of kids choking to death on vomit after they have been put to bed by well meaning friends. It is so dangerous and unsafe. If you can’t stay to monitor them, call someone - even RA or campus police. It sounds extreme, but might prevent a tragedy.
19
@Nancy Thank you. I'd like to elaborate on just why you need to get your friend safely to bed- your drunk friend is not safe just because you got them into an Uber! They could have been followed. The driver could be a threat. They can fall and lose keys as they get out of the car (or leave keys and phone in the car). God knows who is watching your friend as they try to get their keys into the front door. Or start a fire on the stove (drunk cooking is dangerous. I speak from experience). Being drunk leaves people vulnerable to chaos, injury, and sadly - crime. Watch out for each other!
3
One Word
Enjoy.
4
"Thank you" emails are tacky: hand write thank you notes. While you at it, practice your cursive--you're in college now.
4
1. Bring ibuprofen, acetametophen, antibiotic cream, bandaids, and a digital thermometer with you, because there is no “medicine chest” in your dorm bathroom, and get that flu shot.
2. Look both ways before you cross the street, obey the stop signs, learn how to drive on ice BEFORE you get to college, and don’t park in a handicapped spot to “run” into a store for “just a minute”.
3. Take a course in psychology, oral communication, personal finance, and one where you craft essays, because getting along and communicating with others are your most important job skills.
4. Study abroad. It will be your best semester in college.
5. Ask for care packages; those brownies and oatmeal cookies could make you the most popular person on your dorm floor, so SHARE.
6. You have no conception of how happy your parents will be if you write an entire paragraph to them even once in a blue moon, but even a 10-word text will be welcomed.
7. After graduation, write a thank you note to the three people who had the greatest impact on your college life. They will keep those notes forever.
8. Do one nice thing for yourself, and for someone else every week. Look at the stars. Smile.
15
Sorry for sending two versions of similar advice but it took a while to get the NYTimes to approve this and my first post (I thought I had not sent in the first comment correctly, so resent a similar version). To add to this post, the friends you make in college will be the network that has your back for the rest of your life. Recently emailed a college roommate who grew up in El Paso, TX after the tragedy there, and the email support list has grown tremendously as others have pulled in those that lived in our house during college years.
4
I read the headline to my wife across the room and her response: "How about 'no' means no."
14
I read her latest book, it also made me swell up like this article.
1
Bless your hearts. Live your own lives. The cord was cut a very long time ago.
1
I have, blissfully, passed out of the target demographic for this article. But you should all keep trying!
1
Nothing good ever happens at 3:00 in the morning.
Yes, you can get addicted if you "just try it once".
Go to class. The profs know if you don't.
Don't take anything personally.
What happens to you is not as important as how you react to what happens.
Most of what is worth knowing is not taught in college. Train yourself to be an autodidact.
10
1. No matter what your job, you have to work well and communicate well with people, and manage your finances. No matter what your major, the courses you will find most useful include: psychology, oral communication, personal finance, and an “English” course where you have to develop a well-composed essay.
2. Bring Tylenol, Motrin, triple antibiotic cream, bandaids and a digital thermometer (because there is no “medicine chest” in the dorm bathroom) and please get that flu shot.
3. Look both ways when you cross the street, obey stop signs, learn how to drive when the roads are icy before you go to college, and don’t park in that handicapped spot to run in and get your Starbucks coffee.
4. Ask for care packages from home because that batch of brownies and oatmeal cookies will make you the most popular person on your dorm floor (so SHARE).
5. The friends you make in college will be the people you lean on and who will get you through the most difficult times of your life.
6. Do not study in the library until midnight every night. Do a nice think for yourself and for someone else at least every week. And look at the stars, and hope that someone else can see them with you.
7. You have no idea how that letter home will thrill your parents, but even a 10 word text that you okay will be cherished.
8. When you graduate, write a note to the 3 professors who really had an impact on your college years. They don’t get many thank you notes—they will keep your note forever.
1
Good grief! Is this advice for a 5 years old? What kind of an 18 year old young person have you been raising ?
1
Remember to separate the lights from the darks when doing laundry. Seriously. If your mother spent years doing your laundry for you, you may forget this. Also, wear flip flops in the shower.
But mostly, study hard. Play hard. Take time to enjoy. Be careful of people who may threaten your well being. And do not be afraid to stand up for yourself.
3
Kept bringing tears to my eyes
1
to parents dropping kids off at college..remember... no news is good news,,,until they have been quiet too long,,,use your spidey senses. for a while it will feel like your skin has been peeled off your body with the ache of them being gone. you sort of get used to it. now is the time to reconnect with adults your age starting with yourself and moving outward. yes you will feel very poor these next four or more years. eat Mac and cheese and save the money to go on those adventures you always wanted to. if you are going to chalk your kid on social media be very very stealthy...no likes or hearts or posts on their pages. tell them you love them even if their dorm room floor is really sticckuy. swoop in once in a while and help them reset by silently cleaning the room and doing some laundry. know that college is the last chance to have your kids as kids and yet also as adults. use it as a training ground to transitioning to parenting an adult which is way more hands off and a bit of equality with the occasional moment of them taking care of you...
5
And...
--Consider the personal, legal, and emotional costs of making a baby, and know how to avoid it.
--Choose courses that make you well-rounded, including: history, classics, and enough science to understand its methods.
--Do you really want to go to college? There's much to say for real-world (work) experience, either before or instead.
4
In America social life is given too much importance right from high school or even middle school. That’s where entire problem lies. Social life and student life don’t go hand in hand. Social life can always wait since there is plenty of life after getting a job but not studies. One wrong step in social life, a student’s career entirely gets disturbed. We have done it and everyone else can also do it.
A student must have an academic goal and simply not a parental goal. Best academic life paves smooth career path. Giving importance to STEM right from the middle school provides great foundation to the student. Please don’t be afraid of taking up STEM but embrace it with love and respect it richly deserves.
Take college seriously and concentrate on studies and enjoy playing sports too lest you repent throughout your life.
Please remember not everyone can become Roger Federer, Tiger Woods and Serena Williams. Sports is very tough to come up and prosper but studies is not that tough to rise in life.
1
As an Indian-American, I respectfully have to disagree. One can find a very happy, fulfilling, and prosperous life either with or without a STEM background, and developing strong social bonds is just as important for success in America as academic prowess. The key words are prioritization and balance.
Many South Asian parents in the diaspora seem to think that long nights at the library and sacrificing the development of personal relationships will lead to real rewards. But that’s not how things work Stateside. Obviously, one should study reasonably well and not slack off when in class, but students shouldn’t miss out on opportunities to make connections during these years. The people you party with could end up starting a unicorn a decade later — and guess who they create real wealth with?
Your network is your net worth, and emotional intelligence is probably even more valuable than a fancy MBA. You’re far more likely to get promoted if you possess strong social skills and can relate well to other people. You can’t gain that in a dark corner of the library on a Saturday night.
My daughter is only three and a half and excitedly prepping for her transition to Pre-K next week. Why am I tearing up and missing her already?
5
Good question.
2
Beautifully written. Is such a transition for the eager young adult student & the reluctant, to let go, parents. But it's meant to be. The college kid must fly out of the nest and on to their own adventure. Soar!
4
My daughter is a junior in high school this year. She made her first college visits this summer. I think watching her leave for school will thrilling. Like when she was 9, and I watched her drop into her first double diamond bowl on her snowboard. Bad things can happen, but it’s more likely to be a killer adventure. I just hope I taught her enough not to get killed.
4
My husband and I are university professors and we limit ourselves to nagging our nieces and nephews with the visit office hours advice. The time I spent helping my daughter find her retainer exceeds the time I spent writing a dissertation. Finally, the one minute of meditation prescription for a reset is 75% for the parents, and 25% for the college freshmen. Have a great “back to/ off to” school everyone!
6
I don't have children. My favorite gift for the young adults in my family is the tiny book:
"Life's Little Instruction Book". Lots of practical advice contained therein.
3
My mother of six children never went to college and rarely found it necessary to praise me for my straight "A" GPA during my freshman and sophomore years in college. Perhaps the importance of a college degree just wasn't considered to be the key to success in life for her. Perhaps she was just a product of the generation of stay-at-home moms as homemakers.
I majored in Romance Languages (Spanish and French) and her only advice to me as I left for my Junior Year Abroad in Spain was: to have a good time, not to study all the time and to think about romance instead of "romance languages." She meant well. It is humorous to think now that after all these years I possibly took her words to heart. I had a great time; I didn't study all the time (but still got A's), and unbeknownst to her, I found romance losing my virginity to a Spanish journalist in Madrid.
So much for well-meaning parental advice. To all parents of college-bound young adults: remember that there will always be raging hormones in your children during this crucial passage in life no matter how much advice you may give them about everything else mentioned in this op-ed.
6
I just came from helping students move in at my local college. Here's a tip: Just because I'm older, don't treat me as though I don't exist. I am the same age as your parents--and believe it or not, we can still learn from each other. If you are lucky, maybe one day you will help the next generation get settled in their new lives. If you're luckier, maybe they'll listen.
7
We are right in the middle of sending two (our youngest two) off the school- one left this week, one goes next, and this hit me right in the feels.
We are flight instructors. We have spent a lifetime on teaching them the theory, the mechanics, the nuts and bolts, never knowing if they realize that at some point, they will find themselves alone in the cockpit, a wide horizon in front of them.
And so we find ourselves standing on the side of the runway, watching them solo for the first time, disappearing over the horizon and hoping they remember at least some of our lessons, hoping a lifetime of our love can keep them aloft.
17
Hilarious and jaunty, and then, in the final paragraphs, suddenly moving and poetic. Wonderful article (said a daughter, but non-parent).
7
Adderall? How did past generations make the grades to graduate without it?!
3
This is great. Heard myself and laughed outloud.
5
College is not the best years of your life. Retirement is.
13
And don't forget to where sunscreen......
6
Oh good grief, my clueless, ancient, non-college educated parents didn't have any advice for me whatsoever when I went to college and I survived rather well.
8
The advice she writes up is a funny way to reflect our foibles as parents---one can imagine the scene of sitting down for The Talk. The content of the talk is unimportant (albeit funny) and we see that it would widely vary by parent. The point of this essay is not the advice, its deep love intertwined with fear and the need to let go. Its posdible that your parents did the same thing but in their own way.
8
Know how much you will owe in college loans and how that debt will affect your future.
11
@1 of 5
This one is useful.
Some extremely parental advice here.
Uh, soldiers do NOT want to be thanked for their service by every civilian they see. It's considered pandering and trite. Kind of like saying "our thoughts and prayers are with you" to the family members of mass shootings.
Laptops can be plugged in all night. It's ok.
19
I spent fewer hours in university classes (being a foreign language major) than my science-major friends and had more free time on my hands than I had had in high school. I wish I had gotten a part-time job, which would have given me some work experience and some money; in post-graduation years, I had many problems finding myself a career. On the other hand, I applied for my university's Education Abroad Program and ended up in Germany during my junior year and got to do a little traveling during the 2-month semester break. The non-academic part of that year was more instructive than anything I learned in school that year. My housemates in Germany included Germans, an Iranian, a Nigerian, a Hungarian, and a Palestinian. And, as my mother used to say, "you are going to have to learn the hard way" (because I never wanted to listen to her advice)! And I have learned the hard way; maybe that's the best way.
9
College can be the best time of your life, but I hope it’s just one of the better parts of your life.
I will say, however, college was one of the hardest, and most personally rewarding times of my life. Not that it had much to do with chosen major (EE), or university, but what I put in to it and how I learned to get around the significant obstacles put in my way.
5
I started college in 2006, the advent of Facebook. My advice to college students in 2019: social media is (always) curated and (mostly) inauthentic. Don’t judge your worth against an online depiction of someone else’s life. And make use of the counseling center. It may save your life.
33
My son had a single, unsuccessful (thank God) suicide attempt when he was 15, so naturally the idea of his being at college, far from home, scared me. At the same time, I was pretty sure that what I'd been promising him for years--that college would be one of the best times of his life, and NOTHING like high school--would become clear to him once he got there.
But I was surprised, and worried, when, after being accepted by a music conservatory, he decided that he wanted to take a year off before going. He believed that he wasn't proficient enough, and that somehow the admissions committee had made a "mistake" (impostor syndrome). I dreaded the idea of his spending a year in isolation, with little to occupy him other than menial jobs. I was afraid he might not ever feel "good enough." I was terrified that depression would overtake him.
It turned out that he was much wiser than I was. Although he would have done just fine had he gone then, he spent the year taking classes at a local community college, honing his skills. He was SO much more confident, mature, and ready the following fall.
So my advice to PARENTS is to try to trust their children's instincts where possible. They know themselves better than we do, and pushing against that could be disastrous. Offer your counsel and experience, but try to let them take the lead at the beginning of their lives as adults.
As for getting (physically) addicted to heroin after one try, I'm skeptical. You have to kind of work at it.
39
That was NOT an endorsement of drug use, by the way. I'm SO grateful that my son is not prone to my risk-taking proclivities when I was his age.
But if you're going to offer counsel to your kids about such things, providing misinformation can backfire and make your advice seem clueless and not worth listening to.
11
Lovely advice! And bless your son. I hope he's making my beautiful music and living a life fulfilled.
I read this piece with great interest. I have mentored several young high school, college and graduate students over the years. While many of the concerns addressed in the piece are very important, the best thing a student can have is a mentor that she or he trusts. This means calling when she or he is in a state of fear; there is no shame in asking for help. With humility and trust, she or he simply can be redirected into getting into real and immediate solutions versus fearing going so far off track that despair and hopelessness take over.
The greatest gift I have had mentoring is that at the end of the phone call, when the young person finds some peace, confidence, and hope, I am rewarded in that I too must remember to focus on immediate solutions.
So parents and students look for a mentor that you trust, you won’t ever regret it and it will be one of the best human relationships you will have.
Enjoy college and welcome to a new awakening.
11
@Ben. ......a mentor you Trust, said the vulnerable female co-ed who had barely dated in high school. A mentor you Trust. Talk about how it happens that having an older Mentor obsess about how “special” you are (he’s done that hundreds of times before you) is not the true love you had heard about. Talk about the difference between actions of Trust and the actions of a Svengali.
Talk about how few 18 year olds can tell the difference.
I am still amazed that the three attractive friends I had all had their own predatory Mentors in different academic departments. The little girl I babysat grew up and told me years later, she also had a Predatory mentor. Young people are vulnerable. Talk about this phenomenon ahead of time. Because sometimes it’s a career aid and sometimes it derails an entire potential professional experience that really becomes unavailable, outside of the emotional jail like Svengali influence.
1
Advice for parents: stop acting like you are your kids servants and let them go forth on their own. When our daughter was enrolling at College of Chareston, I personally witnessed parents carrying boxes into the dorms while the student, their son or daughter, went off to a party or meet friends. Some parents continued move-in duty all through college. Yikes.
When they first started riding a bike, you had to eventually let go, didn't you? College is when you start letting go big time. Let them know you are available to help and answer questions and then watch them sail away. Everyone will be better for it.
This, too: however much you know your child, however close you were with them growing up, there is a lot you don't know. Mainly, you most likely don't know what is in their heart and mind about what they believe they can achieve in life, what they most deeply hope for themselves and their future.
There is also a well of determination in many kids that parents, always trying to push forward, don't see. Kids are smart enough to know their future is on the line. Plus, this: don't discount talents that weren't revealed during the first 17 1/2 years of their lives. Intelligence and study are one important set but nothing beats talent applied with resourcefulness and determination. Nothing.
You will get to know your kids more because they will manage to show you things about them you did not realize. It will be joyful. Just keep your eyes open.
29
Parenting is humbling. Kids do impulsive things. Cannot overstate the importance of keeping communication open so they reach out when things are rough or unsteady. Teaching independence is important but it can be used as a way or even an excuse to disengage right when the kid needs you most. I don’t think good parenting has much to do with caring boxes but it sure does not hurt.
1
@Rick
Sorry but I think it does hurt the kids and the parents if the kids cant carry their own stuff into their dorm.
Doesnt it mean that they never had to do (or chose to do) any chore at home while growing up?
I remember someone commenting (on another thread) that the dishwasher in the apt. he just rented broke, and as a result he didn't have any clean dish he could use, not even one plate!
1
Moving the kids in or out has always been something we do together. Very similar to how we portage when canoeing or when we moved my parents out of their home. Working together seems to give us time to talk. Like walking the dogs at night. Mostly listen. Creating opportunities to talk to my teenage kids is my job. There are so few chances.
2
Friends make or break the lives of people. It takes some time to identify good friends. So continue friendship with them and discontinue with the rest. Good friends will change your life forever.
Take some interest in extracurricular activities including debates, quiz programmes etc. It will broaden your knowledge. Help the fellow students whatever little you can. Expand your eating habits. The teaching style in the college will be different from that in High School. It will take sometime to get adjusted. So don’t panic. Accept the diversity. Learn new things from the other students like language, religion, country, food and culture.
Best of Luck.
18
I was the first in my family to go to college and my mom and dad gave me some good advice and support. In retrospect send a kid off to college in 1971 was way easier than when my sons went off in 2004 and 2006.
The only advice that I gave them ( and I wish my parents had given me) was this: Don’t be afraid to try things. Join a club or a student group. Don’t be afraid to meet people who aren’t like you. Different is good. Don’t panic about choosing “a career path” in your first semester. Take a course that’s out of your comfort zone - who knows, maybe that intro to physics or account or whatever will be interesting. Don’t forget that you learn more from failure than from an easy success. Write letters home. Mom and I love you.
16
If I may add one more thing. Go to class. It is not optional. I know it takes time, but in the end what you learn will make your life easier and less stressful.
43
@pat And going to class may actually make your life better and more interesting.
I could not disagree more on the 'Thank you for your service' advice to freshman when being in the presence of a soldier. This is not necessary. This is not patriotism. This is pandering and toadying, completely unnecessary and inessential to pacifist youth. Stop conjuring patriotism out of jargon and consumerist cant.
41
Don’t expect that saying “thank you for your service” to a service member or veteran will always be well received. My husband doesn’t care for it at all. It’s akin to saying “thank you for making a sacrifice so that I didn’t have to.” I expect that would be especially true if it were coming from a young college student.
30
I have just a few pieces of advice:
1. The single most important thing you can do to succeed in college is go to class. All the reading, studying, and homework in the world cannot replace the curated information that the professor will present in class. They’ll give you clues about what will be on the next test; you’ll always be present for pop quizzes; and they’ll recognize your face, which might help you later if you have trouble. If you are lazy and want to do the bare minimum, just go to class.
2. Go to office hours. Get to know your professors. They can help you learn, help you get professional opportunities, and make your experience richer overall.
3. Don’t take your advisor’s word that you’re on track to graduate on time. If they’re wrong, you’re the one who will suffer for it, not them. Always double check.
29
If you've actually done your job as their loving, caring parent your college age children have all the tools necessary to succeed. It's their next chapter give them the space they need and be there when they call...because they will.
13
Wow. I guess all the pop culture parent options are not pop, they're mom.
5
Ah so literal, you NYTs readers. This isn’t about the right way to do college. We could all write a 400 page book on that subject and still come up short (and disagree). This is about the parents- the separation, anxiety and the overwhelming, hard to breath, sick to your stomach feeling of loss. Beautiful.
46
The advise that I gave my son that seemed to register the most when leaving him at Holy Cross was: Be Yourself.
6
Don't let anyone make you a drink? Sounds like a terrible way to go through life by not trusting anyone ever,
5
I am assuming that is for girls and good advice indeed. Did you follow any news about date rape? Apparently not.
1
This piece is basically “Wear Sunscreen,” Mary Schmich’s famed 1997 Chicago Tribune column.
4
College is the best four years of your life? Try five, maybe six.
8
@Pb of DC
Told kiddo that we'd deal with expenses IF
Finish on time
NO, absolutely NO credit cards.
We pay, we can see the grades
Kiddo finished on time, and did not get credit cards.
2
“Did we tell you about that time we let that cute guy we didn’t know we’ll into our tiny dorm room to listen to music and maybe make out, and instead we were raped? And that fellow students and the dean said nothing could be done since it was he said/she said?”
Or
“Did we tell you the time we had sex with a girl we thought was hot, when she was really drunk, and was saying no because we were really drunk and thought no was her way of being coy? She later told friends she was raped, and in truth what we did was wrong, and not what we would have done had we been sober. Nothing happened from the school and she eventually left.”
5
Ya gotta love the middle class. (I teach these privileged little darlings.)
11
The stamp goes on the upper right of the envelope????
Collegians are typically so self absorbed; take a break from yourself and reach out to others who appear sad or depressed, you may save a life.
For both pledges and actives in the Greek system...don’t let yourself get forced into engaging in stupid/dangerous hazing/bullying activities. Peer pressure is never an excuse to dehumanize or humiliate others.
10
College Professor here.Turn off your phone before class and don’t touch it until class is over. It’s rude to read your email or catch up on Instagram in class, it’s disruptive and will incur your professor’s wrath.
55
1. Don't major in a minor.
2. Don't become an object lesson for others.
3. How to recover from failing will be your greatest asset in life.
4. Perseverance repeatedly beats native talent.
5. Be your own worst critic, but learn when to stop criticizing.
12
Avoid drinking to excess and having casual hook-up sex. Both can get you in a heap of trouble.
15
I think this is also appropriate. https://www.babble.com/relationships/38-things-i-want-my-college-graduate-to-know-about-life/
Perfect.
Don't call your mother 20 times a day unless you are in crisis. Learn to deal with what's in front of you.
5
thank you
My first reaction was panic when I saw that picture of the loaded down car. My son is flying xcountry with whatever we can fit in a duffle bag, and now I feel like a bad mom who is sending her kid unprepared. Lovely piece, though. Thank you.
5
@Cindy Weil
No worries, cross country - get the stuff when you get there; mine went to Canada; they have stores too ;)
When the guy in the dorm room next door has his girlfriend come over, and they leave her toddler locked in the room while they go out, and you see her little finger sticking out under the door while she is crying, remember, just because your RA is a drunken dealer doesn’t mean he might not be able to help.
7
@Independent — this is oddly specific...
Well, that is about the most beautiful thing I have ever read (which is a give-away that I am a parent and not a student).
2
Current college student, about to start junior year. Personal take on some of this stuff:
Weed is about as dangerous as alcohol, but you should be aware of its legal position in your area. You don't have to do either if you don't want. I never have (both have bad interactions with some prescription drugs I'm on), and I have friends and a social life.
Don't take other people's prescriptions or anything injectable, those are more dangerous.
Get your own political opinions. It's okay if they line up with your parents', but at least have them for your own reasons. Yes, other people can tell if you don't.
Talk to people, maybe get a potted plant, give yourself some sort of interaction with other living beings. Otherwise you'll lose your mind sometime around February and that's no fun for anyone.
Bear in mind that while your parents may be lovely people, they're also probably at least twenty years out of date on what college is actually like. It's changed a lot in that time.
Your parents do not need to know where you are every hour of every day - you can and should turn off location tracking sometimes, if not all the time.
If there's an urban area nearby, go explore that sometimes. It's nice to get out of the college sphere.
Basically, it's your life, not theirs. Live it.
28
If you ever thought you might like to try something--writing for a paper, being in a show, being on the radio, singing in a choir, acting, a million things--college is the perfect place to try all that and more.
You may be great. Or terrible. You may love it or hate it. But you can try new things, one after the other. There are no downsides to trying.
Besides academics and social relationships, college can be the greatest laboratory in the world for discovering things about yourself through extracurricular activities.
18
This is something I wish I had been told. Don’t be too shy. Ask her/him out! Go for coffee, or a bike ride to class, lunch, dinner, movies, a faculty jazz concert, an art show, the observatory, a museum, a picnic, skating, to watch the sunset, or to take a walk. Just a few ideas so no excuses. Also let him/her know if you’d like to be more than just friends. On the other hand, breaking up is hard, but if it’s not right, you don’t get college years again, so think about how a relationship might be affecting the rest of your experience and life.
8
Take a short course on study skills- college is on another level, and if you skated in HS you might need to study in college.
Take the occasional easy A, aim for a balance of activities and experiences
Enjoy the friends, take advantage of the professors too
Do the junior year abroad, or equivalent
3
@Fran Cisco-- And always insert periods between sentences in essays for the professor!
What interested me the most in this article is when we leave for college or anywhere else you will still be loved no matter what happens everyone still loves each other the same way. Whether the parents explained the critical trade off between being right and being happy. Uber is the answer but don’t climb in the wrong car. Make the driver say your name and let a friend track your location. If you get in the wrong car call someone and they can track your location so that they can come and get you. One minute of meditation is the world’s easiest mood reset. You’ll always get a better grade if you sit in the front and ask questions. College might end up being “the best four years of your life” but that doesn’t mean there won’t be days where you feel aimless or lonely or maxed out. Just like that, here you are, shrugging us off, to blow it and fix it, lose it and learn to live without it, break it and put it back together and tell us only half the story, leaving us to ourselves, with only our own lives to manage. When drop-off day comes, just keep nodding and giving us the thumbs-up as we drive away aching with hope and wonder and mortality and everything going much too fast and up all night-what do you need-I’m right here love. Sometimes going off to college can not be easy leaving your friends and family behind and your loved ones. Four years of college is like four years of high school but it can probably feel longer than you think it is. College can be a stressful time.
1
As informative and well-meaning as this article and attendant comments are, I doubt few people under the age of forty are reading them. And good luck giving advice to freshmen. Painful it may be to recall, but college often meant making mistakes--sometimes bad ones. Few 18-year-olds realize they will age; fewer still heed the aged. Almost everyone runs the same cycle, admitting the obvious after missing, denying, and then struggling against it. A medium-well old person, I realize "Youth is wasted on the young" is not cheap cynicism, but harsh advice that next time around I should take less for granted....
7
I attended UCLA when it was virtually free but I still had to drop out my 2nd quarter and go to a community college before returning. I ended up getting a doctorate and became a community college instructor. My advice to parents is just because your child was accepted to a high pressure large prestigious university does not mean she or he is mature enough to survive. If you are writing that kind of letter, the answer is no. Many 18 year olds would benefit from enrolling in a community college or local college close to home for 2 years or trying a gap year where he/she works and pays his or her way as much as possible. The undergrad classes at mega schools are graded by underpaid grad students (TAs) and prof lectures however thrilling are not how this generation learn anyway. Community college classes are usually much smaller and have more teacher student interaction and instructors unlike TAs have degrees and teaching experience. Missteps are more likely to be learning experiences, not disasters. Small liberal arts college are another option but are a lot more expensive. Finally, if your child is primarily interested in college for the party experience, that is an indication he/she should pay his/her own way. Parents should not be paying for partying nor
22
Mine is only 15, but the ache is already there. Thanks for some words of coping...
7
Don’t let yourself get too: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. (It spells HALT.) Slow down and take care of yourself.
Peer support is one of the best predictors of perseverance in college. Pick kind friends with good values.
19
What a lovely piece. Mine are 31 and 27 now, so it's too late to send them this -- and they'd better know most if not all of it at this point, or they're in trouble. (Especially the thing about granola bars. And Uber.)
But I'm flooded with memories of their departures for college and how I felt seeing them off. Those were the days, anxiety-filled though they were. Thanks.
4
I dropped my only child (a daughter) off 10 years ago and this article STILL made me tear up.
One small bit of advice: My daughter called several times very upset about a grade, a friend, a missed deadline, you name it. Of course, I gave my best advice. And, of course, I worried about the situation, wondering if it was resolved or had escalated. Most often I discovered later that the issue was resolved quickly and she'd forgotten all about it. I was the only one worrying. HaHa!
37
I gave my kids 5 pieces of advice for when they get depressed or overwhelmed:
1. Get enough sleep
2. Eat enough protein
3. Get some exercise
4. Do something to put your life in the context of the universe (walk in the woods, meditate, read a poem, or even go to church)
5. Do something to help someone else
71
I was an undergrad before (almost certainly) the writer was born. I still remember how my student cohort fought against the then-common concept of "in loco parentis" -- the idea that the university somehow took the place of our parents and thus had authority over our out-of-classroom lives (politics, sex, rock 'n' roll).
As a retired prof myself, I would stress two things:
1) Here I agree with the article: Absolutely DO NOT look at your phone during class (You think the profs can't see you, but they can)
Sit in front of the classroom, ask questions, and go to your professors' office hours [assuming that they show up]. This takes courage and confidence, but it's necessary.
Only then will you become real to them. And once you are real to them, they won't have the nerve to flunk you.
2) Move out of the dorm and into an apartment of your own (or with suitable roommates) as soon as it's feasible. And learn to cook.
17
@Democritus
".. once you are real to them, they won't have the nerve to flunk you."
Don't count on it.
Some professors rigorously follow the grading scale published in the syllabus. Others only give extra credit when all students have a chance to earn it -- and realize that some students have legitimate conflicts (other classes, a job, family responsibilities) with the office hours. Still others will believe that your failing average indicates that you are not ready for higher level work, and would benefit from retaking the course.
If a student has a failing average despite paying attention in class, asking questions, and attending office hours, then something else is going on. They may have a learning disability or severe test anxiety. Perhaps they are missing a skill from a prerequisite course. Or perhaps they are taking the wrong approach to the course material - relying on rote memorization in a course that teaches problem solving, for example. A student in this situation needs to identify and address the underlying problem, rather than hoping that the professor "won't have the nerve to flunk you."
1
Here’s advice to parents that will save needless anxiety and hurt feelings:
No news is good news.
Don’t get your nose out of joint if your newly-liberated son or daughter doesn’t return your calls or texts or emails. It’s not a sign of deliberate disrespect or of trouble. They’re busy navigating a whole new world.
Trust me, if they get sick, or are struggling, or need money you’ll get a call.
15
Good advice! Mine leaves Thursday. I survived and maybe even thrived, I'm sure he will also. But about laundry.....
7
@Rigaudon
My soon to be 18 year old is soon to be a high school senior and this will be his 4th year at boarding school. We live a bit over an hour away and the laundry comes home when he does....all of it! He does most of it and I do help out. The college search is on and I heard him say to a childhood friend who goes to the local public school that he doesn't want to go to college too, too far away because of laundry (ha!) but also because he really likes being able to easily come home a few times a semester to relax in his own room.
2
@HeidiH - Great advice.
2
I’m a graduate teaching assistant, and the “best four years of your life” bit really worries me. There is a massive mental health crisis on college campuses theses days—at my university, slightly under a third of students are severely affected while slightly over a third are thriving. Those are not good numbers.
One factor contributing to this is the pressure students may feel about entering a mandatory, expensive, and competitive environment they have been told is their only road to success. Our mental health training for faculty members actually lists comments from family members about the “fun” environment of college as a potential stressor. College is a very different experience now than it was 20-30 years ago, and a lot of well-meaning nostalgia can do more harm than good.
Also, don’t go up to random strangers and thank them for their service. There are veterans on my teaching team who are very bitter about their experiences in the service. You just can’t know what other people have been through, and it’s not their jobs to help you feel like a good citizen.
68
@Maggy If the mental health crisis is that large, then it falls directly back to the parents not providing the right direction or perspective Training faculty isn't going to work either- it is very difficult for great teachers to overcome bad parenting.
For sure there is a lot of stress in getting into some competitive schools, but as the recent scandals show- none of the students whose parents cheated to get them in flunked out.
Maybe the only advice we need to give is relax- you can do it.
2
As a recent college grad (a little sad that my younger peers are moving in and I'm not...) I have a couple words of advice not mentioned here.
-Learn to do laundry BEFORE you go to college. As an RA you have no idea how many people I saw doing their laundry incorrectly, or having to ask for help.
- Don't tell your friend who has to work 30+ hours a week to afford full-time tuition to "take a night off work to go get dinner with them" Don't ask them to go to the most expensive restaurant in town either.
-Summers are for internships. Paid or unpaid. I had 3, and I also accepted a job offer 8 months before I graduated. The majority of my friends who didn't take internships seriously did not have a job lined up at the time of graduation.
- Use the free counseling services on campus. I wish I would've.
- The friends you make in your first two weeks may or may not be friends with you this time next year. Learn to let stale friendships go.
-I went to a small college where my average class size was 20ish so I never had this problem, but make your professor remember you. Go to office hours. Ask questions. Pay attention. You're going to need letters of recommendation later.
- Set yourself up to be a lifelong learner. Never stop growing. The degree is just the first step.
Love, A Recent Grad :)
110
@Kaitlin
Also, leave your laptop in the dorm and take a pen and spiral notebook to class. You will learn lots more by hand writing your notes and not surfing the web, during class.
12
@Evelyn
I am the parent of college students, and I took a class on our local campus (not my kids’) and sat in the back row, because I thought the other students should benefit from being near the professor and engaging in dialogue. The professors usually called on me once or twice a class to get some historical perspective on the topic at hand.
It’s Seattle, so everyone has a laptop, and I was really shocked that virtually all the students were surfing social media and even shopping online during class. These were world-class professors team-teaching, and these students (or their parents) were paying a fortune for them to be here.
I’ll admit to occasionally working a NYT crossword puzzle as an undergrad during a really dull lecture, but what is going on in today’s classrooms is truly appalling and saddening.
Kids—watch YouTube and shop for shoes in your dorm room after hours, not during class!
12
@Kaitlin I wish my parents had taught me how to do laundry before I left for college. My freshman room-mate and I sometimes washed some of our clothes together in the washing machine. One day I tossed in my red tennis shoes and all her "white" underwear came out pink. She was somewhat angry with me but had a pretty good sense of humor. She later became a dentist.
4
You may think you are all alone.
You may think that no one knows how or what you are feeling.
You may feel overwhelmed and totally homesick.
You may miss your Mom's cooking & chocolate chip cookies.
Please know that you are NOT alone.
There will be more freshmen and not who will or are experiencing similar fears and feelings of being lost, homesick, and overwhelmed.
Trust your instincts. Trust yourself.
Never be afraid to call home just to hear the voices of your Mom and/or Dad. They miss you as much, if not more.
18
We just took our twins to college last weekend. No tears, just smiles -- they've been prepping for this a long time. After years of working as scout camp staffers, BSA adventure trips out of state, traveling with grandparents, etc., we're already accustomed to long separations. We've nurtured their independence and confidence. It's up to them now. As much as they can be, they are prepared for the roller coaster ride of college. Here we go!
11
as a college prof and father of two college grads i wish there was a little more here about actually "doing college". A couple of suggestions: Even if you are at a big university, target the three professors that are going to be writing your letters of reference (grades really don't matter much in this era of grade inflation, letters and experience count. If you see an opportunity to actually DO what you are studying (work-study job, REU, volunteer field assistant) grab it, If you love doing it, maybe you have found your major, if you hate it, well, that's good info too. Summer is for internships if you possibly can. Better to take an extra three thousand in loans and get experience that will fast track you to grad school or a job than to go back to the job you had in High School & blow most of the $$ on "having fun". Read the damn books. Twice. Ask questions. Come to office hours.
30
If you're upset about a grade, go talk to your professor about what you did wrong. Don't use the phrase "But I worked really hard." Every. single. student. says. that. Stop it. Don't try to negotiate your grade.
Instead, take responsibility for your mistakes and learn from them. We notice the students who try and improve and don't blame everyone else.
Seriously, put your phone away in class. If you're laughing while looking at your crotch we know you're not paying attention.
37
@New Yorker In Philly
Or conversely explain to your professor why your grade is wrong. My daughter took in the style book the class was using to argue with her English composition teacher about her comma placement. The teacher gave her back the docked points.
2
@New Yorker In Philly
Agreed. It's also a good reminder that even if you did "work really hard," you might not get the grade you wanted. This is true as adult, you can try your level best and you still might not achieve your desired outcome.
..... stay in college as long as possible, real life sucks and comes with a lot of responsibility. Getting a college degree will be one of the easier things that you do in life.
......don't borrow more that the government guaranteed loan limit per year.
.......major in something that fits the requirements of a help wanted add in the newspaper- or whatever the equivalent is of that now- accountant, engineer, nurse, computer programmer. Once you have a good start then you can "pursue your passions"
....every musician needs a day job
5
@Hugh G - "....every musician needs a day job"
Does Kanye West have a college degree? Or a day job? Is there an annual awards show for accountants or engineers which has an audience full of millionaires decked out in their jewels flying around on their private jets back to their megamansions?
1
@Hugh G
Meh, I majored in history. My mother screamed at me, “What are you going to do, open a history store?” I worked on Wall Street for two years, paid off my loans, moved far away, started my own business, and have been happy as a clam.
Reading “Golden Hill” and “SPQR” after taking the teens to New York and Rome. The history bug never gave up!
Wait until Spring of your freshman year to decide on your roommate(s) for the following year. The fast and furious first batch of friends will not be the ones you will want to live with.
Make sure your friends like you as much as you like them. 3 meals per day in the cafeteria is too many.
5
This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell: my blessing season this in thee!
WS
11
@Josiah
My immigrant grandmother wrote that in my 8th grade graduation book, and I was dazzled, that this woman who raised nine children on a desolate farm during the depression was acquainted with Shakespeare. It made me love and respect this wonderful person even more.
13
Please tell them. It’s ok to stop after two drinks. Binge drinking among college students is too common. It’s unhealthy and dangerous.
13
@Cloud 9
I told mine the law required her to not drink till she was 21, and that was my expectation as well. She had her first alcoholic beverage on the weekend of her 21st birthday. (Didn't finish it because she didn't like it much.)
3
@Cloud 9 - "It’s unhealthy and dangerous."
Not to mention that it is illegal for most college students to drink.
1
@Laura
That doesn’t really work for teens who have traveled abroad. But then, most of them have learned that anything more than a beer or a glass of wine or two is not really pleasant.
1
If your freshman is male, better have "the talk" with him:
Stay away socially from potentially compromising young women on campus. Don't go to her dorm room or invite her to yours without trusted witnesses present. Have your cell on 'record' any time you feel the urge to break your monastic existence. Monastic is best, however; you should spend your time not in class studying or reading or in sports pursuits. Hang out with the guys on Friday night as they are less likely to report you for Title IX violations. But if you slip up, be certain you have your family's legal retainer in your phone.
Have fun my son.
5
@DaveD
I'd suggest that you talk with your son about the importance (and morality) of treating young woman as actual human beings with needs and desires of their own rather than as merely as conduits or obstacles to the fulfillment of his.
92
Son, I think it's best if you center your non-academic social life on a SO (usually a girlfriend). Always practice safe protected sex. Above all, enjoy your college years!
@RK
He knows all that already. I worry about the accusations which will blindside him. By the way, black male freshmen should definitely receive this talk more than once since they face a lower likelihood of defending themselves at in-house sexual assault hearings over allegations made anonymously.
1
Have fun, but make the most of this time by soaking up all the knowledge that you can and - this is important - deliberately exposing yourself to opposing opinions and viewpoints. We often learn best from those with whom we disagree.
9
Dear NYT,
I read the very cheery and beautiful Advice to My College Freshman. As a millennial who lived through the assault epidemic on college campuses, it struck me as terribly naive on one point: rape of students (especially freshman.)
I wrote a comment to the NYT about the complexity of rape culture. I could have possibly avoided rape had my mother shared her own story of being drugged and raped. I naively let an acquaintance who I didn’t know well into my room, assuming we’d listen to music. I was fine when we kissed but was shocked when he forced himself into me. She told me her own story only after my own rape. She is a loving extraordinary person who was just private. Why I am compelled to now write the details? The paper deemed it (it had almost no personal details) unfit to publish.
I only implored parents to share real experiences with young adults who are old enough to copulate. Both men and women. Acquaintance rape is complicated, and it does no good to villianize rapists as monsters, nor victims as the ones to blame. If we can express the humanity of both sides, perhaps we can lower these numbers. 1/4 -1/3 women are assaulted in their life. From personal experience a lot of women were raped in college, during vulnerable early years of sexual exploration. Candor would have helped me.
61
Note to helo-moms (and I say that based on the author and gender of vast majority positive responders): stop coddling your children. And as a veteran, i'll be the n'th person on the list to say that "thank you for your service" is just so dumb. It paid for college. We got paid and had a super-low cost base. It was a fun adventure. It was easy. And the "nationalized health care" was superb.
17
Well, I don't know if it was "superb"
I'm a volunteer in a urban community garden in my area. It's lovely piece of ground. I call my zen space. I putter around, weed, and do all those things gardeners do.
In the last couple of seasons a male mockingbird has decided he likes the territory, too. So much so he's declared loud and clear it is his. He backs it with "words and deeds" in a fashion only a mockingbird can.
And he goes into overdrive when his new family arrives, culminating in a frenzy when the little ones start to fledge. As the kids learn to fly any perceived threats from the hominids tending their (his) space are set upon with fierce squawks, trills and even the occasional (oh, REALLY by the person under attack) body thumps by him to the targets backside.
He, and his Missus, have no fear as they squire their young to the point of leaving the nest. You can always tell when the kids are gone because the adults throttle the aggression way back and resume their more normal, more self-interested, lives.
So it goes with us, too, doesn't it? We worry. We do the best we can to give our young all the tools necessary to fledge. And when that day comes we're at maximum vigilance, and anxiety, trying to make sure they can safely fly.
Which they do.
Mom, Dad, you've done your job now do as those birds do, return to your lives and continue apace. Everything will be all right. You've done all you can, now they are on their own. And this is all as it should be.
John~
American Net'Zen
13
@John - Awesome piece of writing!
2
Even more important than going to actual class and sitting in the front row - READ [preferably the assigned reading and the 'optional' secondary literature].
9
Tell them if an envelope comes by postal mail, please open it, especially if it says "priority".
These days kids only open apps !!!!
6
Where was this article 10 years ago? I’ve read countless articles about sending off your child to college over the years, and this is by far the best.
I particularly liked this passage:
“About cornhole. When you toss it, let go sooner. You’re holding on too long. That’s why it’s going straight up.”
God speed young freshman!
5
One more thing: there no hands on an envelope. Tell them to to put the stamp on the upper right corner.
1
Call your mother. But not more than once a week. Mom, wait for the call instead of calling.
8
Wow! This is excessive, over-the-top advising, far too lengthy and particular— and it will all blur together and won’t be remembered.
What not just go all the way, attend with them, and be the helicopter parent you want to be?! 😎
These lessons should have been learned via osmosis and modeling back in middle school and high school. On the eve of college, it’s far too late.
Amazed that it’s made so many commenters tearful. Your son or daughter is growing up; be there as needed but don’t smother them with advice. If you raised them well, they do not need such advice and certainly no long list. Give them their independence.
This particular item was jarring:
“Did we tell you when you see a soldier in uniform you should say “Thank you for your service,” even if it feels corny?”
No, don’t do that. It is corny AND disingenuous. Their service likely advanced U.S. militarism and imperialism, may have involved brutalizing innocent civilians, mocking other people’s religion, and being an Ugly American. Their acts also could have been instrumental in promoting hatred of the U.S. and engendering terrorism. Many volunteered because school and family were dead ends; they knew not what else to do.
No tears shed here... Raise them well, let them spread their wings, and look forward to their visit home at Christmas!
17
@Marsha Pembroke
I agree completely, especially about thanking soldiers for their service. This is as empty-headed and meaningless as "Have a nice day." If you're eager to thank anyone for their service I recommend a kindergarten teacher: someone who is likely underpaid, overworked, underappreciated, and a true linchpin of America's future.
4
Fun article with lots of good parental advice. I'll be the one to rain on this parade and say that college age young women are highly susceptible to sexual harassment, coercion and rape. Consider sending your daughters to an empowerment self defense course, and then advising your rising college freshman regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation not to have sex with someone against their own or someone else's will. Both condoms and consent should be non-negotiable.
9
Waiting until the kid is headed to college to say this is waiting too long.
The kid should have been given these instructions and opportunities to learn all of this in the first 18 years of life.
A stamp goes on the upper-right corner of the envelope? Why wasn't this child writing letters to relatives in elementary school?
Sheesh.
11
@wikibobo "Why wasn't this child writing letters to relatives in elementary school?" Absolutely! Did the kids never send any thank yous for gifts received?
1
As the station wagon door slammed shut, I asked my dad if he had any words of wisdom for the start of my college life. He looked me in the eye and said, 'No, you already have everything.' The best 'advice' I ever received.
19
@JanW
I was still seventeen when I left home for college. I asked my mom if she was worried about what I would do. No, she said, I've had my crack at raising you. If I didn't do it right, it's too late now. What you do is on you.
I took that to heart.
9
If you are an aunt or an uncle, tell your college bound niece or nephew they can call you for help when they can't call their parents.
My uncle did that for me, and I did it for my niece. There came a time when I needed him, and a time when she needed me.
Kids may not call their parents when they are in a jam, but they will call their cool aunt or uncle.
32
Excellent.
I’m the cool Aunt (snd fake Aunt!) too...
SB
Expat in Ireland
2
I would recommend one slight change. For someone in uniform (or wearing something that says “veteran)”, try asking, ” Where have you served?” (Or “Where did you serve?”) Listen to the answer (even if it a sort of long one) and then thank them for their service. Most of the current (and former) service men and women I know will appreciate you taking that little bit of effort to see them as something more than just the uniform they wear (or wore).
For all the rest of the advice, it is mostly the same advice as we gave our daughter when she went off to college, and hopefully, they will listen and follow it. (Especially the part about asking questions in class and going to office hours.)
3
@AS Pruyn
Since almost nobody's service did anything for my, or your, freedom (Vietnam, Iraq), I would say, "I hope you get a college degree of of that useless job
My children are long past the college freshman stage, but this lovely piece easily brought back every one of these eloquently described emotions. To all those parents who are living these emotions over the next few weeks, enjoy this next stage of the parenting process!
8
Three years ago, I dropped off my eldest at a state university about two hours from our home, and I vividly remember those grief-stricken last few days when I was absolutely certain that my kid was headed to the moon and I would never see or hear from her again. The funny thing is, though, that our relationship is probably closer now than it's ever been. She has her own life, of course, but we talk more and have much better times together than we did when she was a teenager. It's a different but entirely wonderful experience being the parent of a college student. I wouldn't trade it for anything, most certainly not the fraught high school years when we were at each other's throats all the time. Young adult children are the best!
20
Thanks for this. Dropping my first child at college in 10 days. I love him so. I needed the reminder that I will get to know and love him for many years to come.
5
We sent our triplet freshmen off to three different liberal arts colleges in three different parts of the country -- a challenge but a divide-and-conquer strategy: my wife took two and I took one, three trips.
It Was Exhausting, more emotionally than physically. But our preparation: a compact of sorts, a two-way contract we five discussed and all signed. About going to class, homework, notifying us if they left the state for a protest or a trip to friends or whatever else, drugs/alcohol, sex, on and on -- with the underpinning of love and trust and family, as well as our own parental responsibility, that was both waving and waxing.
They had four great years, with expected ups and downs. Not one will make much money, as they are all service, non-profit oriented. We think they're good people. Pretty much we let them make mistakes, which were manageable.
Anxiety was and is there -- it's love plus fear. We were fortunate. I hope we always will be. I hope others will be as well.
26
Fourteen years ago, the night before we took our daughter to school, she had gone to bed and I was doing laundry when I heard her coming down the stairs. She came to me, tears in her eyes, and put her head on my shoulder, arms around me.
I thought fast.
"Daddy and I are going to miss you so much. But this is the right thing for you. It will be strange at first, but very soon you'll know you are where you belong."
And so it was.
37
Former college prof here. So this is on how to optimize at college. It's costly, get as much as you can from the expense.
- Find out how to register early for all the classes and profs you want and need so you never find the class is full.
- Double major if you can in two areas, especially if one is an interest but not maximally employable. It will never be cheaper.
- Take extra summer/online courses to add employable aspects. It will never be cheaper in time or money.
- If you take a year off, go abroad to study a language, pick one like German where employees are sought and few in U.S. study it.
- Ask profs what future assistant positions might be available when you are a rising sophomore or senior.
- Ask if there are student jobs that also get you credit. Do statistics for your bio prof for example.
- Work the parties and get paid. For faculty, for students, etc.
- Drink little alcohol but spend time with people outdoors. Sanity.
- Always use protection.
62
The double major advice is excellent. That's what I and many of my classmates did.
3
@poslug Excellent!
One last thing to remember: College is like a gym membership, you need to show up and work hard to see any results, having the best equipment and workout clothes doesn't really count for much.
104
My son is unfortunate enough to have two college professors as parents so he received lots of informed advice. When we dropped him off to start university I said, "If you only remember one thing that we told you it's this, Go to class".
64
Beautiful. Brilliant. Every word accurate and well put. I'm going to save this for my daughter who is a junior in high school. But for now, I'm weeping...
18
@Camille Guigliano my story one year from now.
I like the article but I think much of this should be said years prior to leaving for college as it applies to their everyday lives.
10
Great read-made me cry. (just a little).
12
@Marcus. Me too.
I gave the article to my daughter to read, as she is leaving for college next week. Her reaction: "Granola bars have a lot of sugar??" Thanks for the great and touching piece.
89
@JSWM Tell her about orange juice, too. Nobody ever figures out that orange juice has a lot of sugar in it until way too late.
10
Great article. Also, college kids, if your highschool health teacher hasn't already drilled this into your heads, USE PROTECTION. You will never regret it.
84
Also: not everyone you meet is going to treat you as kindly and thoughtfully as the friends and family back home.
24
I told my kid, I know you think I'm the most boring person in the world, but I can assure you that I tried every dumb thing you will be thinking about doing -- it's not nearly as much fun as you think it will be (and at least not everyone was taking a picture or video of me while I was doing it).
43
Whatever you do, make sure you can look yourself in the eye in the morning.
35
Beautiful. Please tell me you cried as much writing this as I did reading it.
11
And one more; please vote even if there isn’t an app for it... yet.
48
Cut your toenails.
28
Wear shoes. Problem solved
Parent: I gave my son advice on laundry, which he shared with form mates and was much appreciated. However, we probably gave our son too much independence which he seemed to relish. All that freedom crashed in on him junior year. We had the courage and determination to intervene, and together we solved some problems. I think it made him understand that's what family is for, and really helped him grow up. Mistakes and wrong turns are part of life.
30
Great article and advice. I have two tips to add based on my son’s experience and experiences of other students I know. First, don’t be afraid to make a change if something isn’t working out. It takes courage to admit that one may need to change his/her school, major, roommate/housemate, sport, or job. Doing so is the first step to feeling better.
Second, stay active. Take breaks from studying, classes and socializing and do something to move your body- swim, run, bike, walk, yoga, and/or dance.
39
Teach them so sew on buttons. My kids are in their mid-thirties and couldn't sew on a button to save their lives.
27
@mary shelbs: I just did this for my teenage son last night! His older sister, home from college for the summer, rolled her eyes, and said, "You know, Mom, he really needs to do that himself. Don't let him become one of those guys who needs a woman to do it for him."
Touché, wise daughter, touché.
24
@mary shelbs - Buttons? I don't think I have any buttons on anything.
You get up and put on the first pants you see on the floor. You walk over to the dryer and pull out a wrinkled t-shirt. Put it on and walk to the closet and put on the hoody that was drying out from the rain last night.
No buttons:)
2
@mary shelbs
Not to be glib (and I think it’s wise to be competent), but kids can make $15 an hour here slinging hash. The dry cleaner will (professionally) sew on a button for $5. You do the math.
1
I’m a couple years away from my first heading off, but this still brought me to tears. What I want to add to the good advice for these young adults is something I observed today while meeting a friend for lunch. I saw at least two young ladies leaving for school in the coming days (one I know) who were having private lunches with their grandmothers. I thought that was such a lovely thing to do.
44
@KW I was lucky enough that the Ivy League school I’d wanted to go to since 5th grade was in a city that happened to be less than 10 miles from the rural/suburban town I grew up in. Better still, my first generation Italian grandparents and my Aunt lived in that city. So when I went there I of course lived on campus but occasionally went home on the weekends to recharge my battery, with my Mom who worked in the city. But the best part was the Sundays I took the bus to grandma’s to have Sunday macaroni! After a visit they’d drive me back to campus and back to studying. I still treasure those memories.
2
Propping the door open in your dorm so people can lean in is the best advice.
68
Have fun your first year of college, but not too much fun. Because your first year of college is not as much fun the second time around.
—advice from a non-trad student to my freaked-out 18yo frosh niece
62
@Clare
If my second freshman year had been as much fun as my first, I'd be dead, and the second one was great!
It's been almost 40 years since that first freshman year, and it's still the time I look back to and smile more than any other. Who knows how much I would have missed if I'd put down the bong and the bottle and written some papers?
You're only young once.
4
Let go.
8
Please have your daughters call themselves to renew birth control prescriptions. Mother’s should not be calling a physician’s office demanding renewal ASAP.
50
If you need birth-control and you forgot to call and your mother can call and raise a fuss and get your birth control then that’s what you should do.  there’s no wrong way to get the birth control you need.
2
As a veteran, I beg, please stop with the, “Thank you for your service.” You paid me.
151
@Sean F. O’Quinn
What would you suggest? Say nothing? I’m curious. I’ve never heard that Vets don’t appreciate a thank you, and I have Vets in my family, with a son and a nephew who are active duty military.
14
Sean, you are my hero. In spite of your exhortation not to thank you, I will: for your candor.
16
@Val
Yes, say nothing.
Dear God, can you think of a way of making someone more uncomfortable? Or of being more hypocritical? ("Thanks for risking your life for me. I couldn't be bothered, but I'll say these five words, so now we're square.")
16
Thanks for the corn-hole tip!
7
"Do not take selfies when exhibiting the 'trout pout."
19
"Take care of your morals first, your health next, and finally your studies."
- Theodore Roosevelt Sr. to Theodore Roosevelt Jr. (26th president of these United States)
41
Put your phone down. No, seriously - put your phone down.
155
In four short years they'll BE BACK!
Relax you did a good job, we hope
10
@Carole - or maybe they won't be back. I live in Cincinnati and my son went to school in DC in 2000 - where he still remains. But in my heart, I know that is where he belongs. Still, I miss him so much.
15
@mary shelbs I read once that parenting is the one job you can do really well and then get fired from...it gave me a bit of solace when the kids backed out of the driveway and left me in the rear view mirror. You must have done a Very Good Job! Rest assured!
5
Thanks for reminding me of all the things I forgot to tell our son, who we just dropped off at college this week.
10
"Baz" forgot about sunscreen.
9
my parents drove me to the airport with an Army Navy duffel bag and I flew to Boston from Canada and found my way to school. because they treated us like adults, we became adults and did well. so many helicopter parents and so much high drama. it's just college. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be a teenager today.
53
My girlfriend, Heaven forbid my parents, drove me to Newark Penn Station in 1962. Got on a Greyhound to Ann Arbor..17 hours. That rest stop/bus change in Youngstown was eerie at 3am. Missed the campus bus stop in A2 ( who knew? Since school visits had not been invented) and ended up downtown. Lugged 2 suitcases(no wheels then) 1 1/2 miles to dorm. What memories! Had to call my folks from a phone booth to advise them I had arrived.
79
@Linda
Stuffed everything I had into my Chevelle the night before, made sure the tape deck and CB were in order, got a couple of hours sleep, woke up, took a shower, had breakfast, said Goodbye to my Mom, and drove off.
I didn't think twice about it, though I suppose she did.
If I called home from a payphone, I don't remember it now.
7
@Linda - My mother was a former Marine who taught me how to go through tear-gas when I was in high-school. The "real world" was a fantasyland by comparison to her loving abode.
1
"Realize that there are going to be scads of people at college who are going to want to change you into something that you are not. Resist."
56
What’s a stamp? Upper right hand corner of what?
101
the best line we heard when we took our daughter to college: if your kid doesn't have a weird roommate, then they are the weird roommate
204
Classic just classic
15
1. Do not take off all your clothes in public - it never ends well.
2. Only one meat on a pizza.
3. Just because you can doesn't mean that you should.
4. If you wouldn't say it to your mother, don't say it at all.
102
You're suppose to lob the bean bag into the cornhole. Go for an epic arc! You're parents are wrong about this part. Everything else spot on.
7
Also, it's OK to leave the laptop plugged in over night.
4
If you think it's bad dropping them off at college, just wait until they have advanced degrees, and accept jobs thousands of miles away from you and even each other. Then you have a right to cry.
28
We had our first engagement last week. Milestones.
11
Please don’t go to your professor’s office hours unless you’re genuinely confused or moved by curiosity. Please don’t come to rehearse anxiety, offer advice about how your professor might teach differently, cry or flirt. — Your Professor
153
@Sal Paradise Please make sure you don't succumb to the Curse of Knowledge. What seems so simple to you now may not be so simple to them. Try to remember what it was like when you were trying to learn it. It probably wasn't that simple back then either.
27
no he's right. plenty of kids show up without specific questions just because they think they should or that it will ingratiate them with the prof.
42
Wrong. Go see your Prof end of first week which will help to give you a special interest in the course.
~~ Econ Prof, now retired
13
@Evelyn's brilliant reminder to ask for help made me think of my mom's brilliant instruction to me and my sisters as we entered our teenage years - she warned us that the worst trouble we would ever be in, in our entire lives, is if we did not tell her that we were in trouble and needed help. Too often we hear about kids getting in the wrong cars, or drinking and driving, because they were afraid to call their parents and get in trouble. Parents, open up that dialogue with your kids so that they know they can come to you if they are in trouble, or you've talked through who else they can reach out to if they get in trouble. Agree on a code so that they don't have to embarrass themselves or somebody else is in the car - and when they go off to college, let them know that a huge part of growing up is knowing that we can't solve everything ourselves - it often takes reaching out, exactly as @Evelyn describes.
And as another good rule, don't ever drink so much that you lose complete control. Being wasted is not sexy, vomiting is not fun, and it raises the grave risk that you or your partner will do something terribly wrong. Last, boys, getting your own drink - for safety's sake-applies to you too. There are criminals who try to drug people and record them in compromising situations to blackmail the victims later. Please be aware, and be safe.
53
What interested me most in the times this week was the video, “this may not be real”. In this video she talked about how society makes everything 10 times worse than it actually Hass to be. She showed a picture of “Mexicans“ along the US border during 2018, holding signs to help with women’s rights in Mexico and to help with their own rights in Mexico. But it actually turned out to be Pakistani men protesting increase about an unknown issue. The media will do anything to strike public reaction in a negative way. It is awful what our world has come to, and how we believe something so quickly just because it’s on the Internet. In movies they can now Photoshop a persons face to look like a certain actor or actress and use that person’s voice even though it’s not them. The world today revolves too much around political and social interests and we need to make a difference.
2
Here’s one: university years are the last time most everyone around you is single. Not unattached necessarily, but not locked down. Use that time to learn about how relationships work, how you work in a relationship. This is vital knowledge.
Regardless of whether you are successful or struggle, nothing will make you more miserable than the wrong relationship. Oh, and yes people learn, but they don’t change.
110
Great advice, however it’s time to let them figure some stuff out on their own.
15
They thanks for flooding my eyes with tears. My only child, from mid-Missouri to NYU Class of 2013. She returned for a masters, and now works there and lives in Brooklyn with her awesome fiancé. It’s gonna be OK, parents.
9
Here's one. Go to community college for the first two years. The education is better and you'll save multiples of $10,000 doing it. If you are a parent spend your money on something else beneficial instead.
24
The education at community colleges isn’t necessarily better, just different.
The problem is that at a smaller liberal arts school, you want the first two years for their distinctive General Education programs and for the chance to form close bonds with people you’ll know and love all your life.
32
Community colleges are a wonderful opportunity to explore options and college without being forced to prematurely pick a school if the student isn’t ready or finances are an issue.
20
@Bompa
Before going to a community college for the first two years, call the program where you want to spend the last two years. Find out if they take transfer students and if so, what the admissions requirements are for transfer students. (Even if the university takes transfer students, a popular program whose enrollments are limited by availability in lab or studio courses might not.)
Your best bet is a community college with an articulation agreement with a four year school. This means that transferring credits will be straightforward because the courses you'll take at the community college have been reviewed by the four year program, and the specific targets you need to meet (GPA, etc) will be spelled out for you.
44
I just had a similar conversation with my son last night - not nearly as poetic of course!
6
As a recent college graduate it’s imperative to have balance so you don’t burnout. Yes academics is a major thing but remember to explore, find and discover and find your purpose in life. You don’t have to have it all figured out, I still don’t ! Take one day at a time and if you ever feel lonely or need someone to talk to, call your close friends you made in college. Important to have at least one person to lean on, because no matter where we are in life our Mental Health is as important as any other necessity in our lives. Do things responsibly, but also party up !!
19
...and if you have a faith-based life, continue to pursue and lean on it when you get to school. It will open the door to peace, friendships and a reminder of your internal compass. Great article.
16
As an English prof and the mom of an “only” who recently took work post-college in a distant state, this essay captures both my roles: I want students, just as we hoped for our son, to understand the value of agency and interdependence, self-efficacy and connection. If they’re curious and ask lots of questions, open to dialogue and perspective-taking, and save enough time to study as well practice self-care (sleep. Brush their teeth. Eat a salad. Take a walk. Listen.), they’ll be FINE—mostly.
That there’s no guarantee may be why parents feel so worried and blue when a beloved kid becomes an adult and moves away.
But really, they’ll be alright.
24
As a professor who regularly teaches First Year students, I’ll add: learn good study skills and apply them; find and explore a subject or topic that interests you; get to know at least one faculty member; get plenty of sleep, especially before exams; learn healthy ways to cope with anxiety and depression, recognizing that these are ubiquitous among teens; and keep building your resilience.
173
@Ananya yes, sleep. I would never stay up late the night before an exam studying. In fact, I would go to bed earlier. However this dependent on that I had already been doing test prep for a week.
6
@Ananya
Good study habits. Thankfully I had some inculcated in me by superior high school teachers, and parents.
But let me tell you, when I took STEM classes at an Association of American Universities institution, I had to learn to study harder.
Good study habits start with good reading comprehension. I feel it's never too early to start a child on that path.
Yes, tuition is too high for today's youngsters. But let's face it. Many have bad study habits, and are chronically disorganized. But good study habits are the foundation of what college is all about: Getting the assignments done on time, and passing examinations.
Wonderful piece. Brought back memories of my parents dropping me, the over protected baby in the family, at my dorm.
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From the faculty side I’d say treat them like the adults they are becoming. They are so different when they are on their own. When their parents are present they become children again—and their parents often dominate the conversation and speak for them. Make sure they know that you love them and will be there for them. Then let go.
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This piece brings a tear to my eye, and I am still four and six years away from all of this!
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@Kevin B. - Then today would be a great day to start discussing the level of sugar in granola bars, where a stamp goes, and not to take other people's Adderall.
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The best advice for college freshmen I ever read was to treat it like a full-time job. Be in class, studying, or doing the reading 8 hours every weekday.
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Absolutely! Best advice ever!
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@Ann Wong
the rule of thumb use to be to spend 2-3 hours outside class for the number of credit hours. So if you took 16 credits which was the norm then you should be spending 32-48 hours out of class on schoolwork and 12 hours a week in class. That did not include labs which usually were at least 4 hours long if you were taking any science classes.
So 40 hours a week certainly would not lead to good grades. It was a 44 hour week at minimum. I don't remember any students being able to take off every night and every weekend. This was at a state university.
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Why? To get a head start on the daily grind of the next 40 years? No thanks. College is the time to grow and learn from all sorts of experiences, not to "work".
I dropped my daughter off for her freshman year 2 years ago this weekend. The pain is real. There was so much MORE I needed to tell her. When I got home I cried for hours. It gets better.
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I would add make mistakes, lots of them. It’s ok. I try not to make the same mistake twice, but of course I do. Remember this life is a journey, not a destination. Have a goal, get on a path but don’t be afraid to change it. Keep your heart and eyes open.
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For years I would groan at the predictable onslaught of these types of articles each fall (preceded by the equally reliable "advice for graduates" 3 months earlier).
Now that my daughter of 4 years has already outgrown a few endearing habits, I suddenly empathize with the authors. In a way I didn't know was even possible. 14 years left seems like a lot, but if these articles have taught me anything, that's not nearly enough.
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Great article! I would add this piece of advice: get a flu shot as soon as it's available.
College students are a great vector for spreading the flu virus. At the beginning of flu season, the students in your college will travel to far corners of the earth for Thanksgiving and Christmas break, spending long hours cooped up in airplanes and other confined spaces, where there is a better-than-average chance they will be exposed to this year's flu virus, and some fraction will bring the virus back to school with them. When you return to school, you will be cooped up in classrooms, dorms, and other confined spaces with your classmates.
Getting a flu shot will reduce the chance that you will catch the flu, and, if you do get the flu, will reduce the severity of your symptoms.
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@HT you nailed it. How I wish the flu vaccine was required for all college students.
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Thanks for making me cry at work, haha. Lovely article.
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A friend once told me sending a child off to college was like a little death. I thought you've got to be kidding; I'm proud of raising strong, independent girls. Then it happened and she was right--it was hell and we all cried and cried. It is a little death--the death of their childhood, and those images of them as babies, toddlers, little soccer stars and Halloween costumes all come flooding back. And now mine are grown and happy, multiple degrees in their hands...a lovely article bringing back so many memories. You were right Kelly--it's all about love in the end. Poignant and beautiful piece. Thank you.
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This made me cry. Guess who has a kid going off to college?
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We drop ours off on Friday. I will read this to her as we head off. Thanks for the laughs and the tears.
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And please, please write your grandmother a postcard with the stamps I bought and left for you. She wants bragging rights. And deserves them.
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As a military wife of a retired officer, I can tell you that "Thank you for your service" is despised by those who have served. Engage the person in uniform to share some of their assignment experien ces instead.
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Thank you for letting us know that. As a matter of course, I never say it, just as I never say "I'm sorry for your loss " They have always sounded both trite and insincere to me. I find other words to say the same sentiments.
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oh yes! My husband (Vietnam Vet) absolutely hates being told "Thank you for your service." His usual rejoinder is "But I was a conscript!" He despised every second of his time in the Navy, but despises more being thanked for that period of torture. (sorry if this offends but it's the truth.)
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@mwl
Interesting. I am a military mom (USAF) and grew up near a Naval base and have never heard that those in the military do not appreciate a thank you. There is not always time to have a conversation about experiences. Would they rather just be ignored? I think Kelly’s point in her essay is to respect the military by thanking them.
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Thanks for some very practical advice written in a fun way to relieve the stress of getting your daughter ready to move in during her freshman year
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Lovely, beautiful and not the least bit maudlin, as many such essays tend to be. Here’s my own list, based on mentoring recent college grads and teaching business to college students from every background:
1. Engage professors, respectfully, with good questions about things you don’t understand and things you might not agree with. You’ll demonstrate you not only take college seriously but care about lifelong learning, and you’ll get better grades.
2. Consume some form of serious daily news - whether online, tv, whatever. Be interested in order to be interesting. It’s fine to be introverted but at some point, you’re going to need to engage. Skim topics to get the gist of the world, soon you’ll have favorite sites and writers you won’t want to miss. Others who share your interests could become friends, job leads, partners, etc.
3. Plan your life per semester (any longer than that is tough). Plan how you’re going to ace certain courses, and what you need to at least pass the others. Plan how you’ll take care of yourself: food, cleaning, laundry, exercise, fun, family, volunteering (yes, employers favor those w/good volunteer experience). Without planning, your life zips by without your noticing.
4. Journal - even if you just write down a few sentences every night along the lines of: worst thing happened today, best thing happened today, what I learned from both those things, what it means for the future.
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@Liz DiMarco Weinmann - "4. Journal - even if you just write down a few sentences every night along the lines of: worst thing happened today, best thing happened today, what I learned from both those things, what it means for the future."
Good Lord ! No writing, no pictures! A child may want to run for higher office someday and they don't want to have to try and explain all of those crazy writings.
Such a great reminder of the difficulty imparting love sentiments and practical “how to survive” tips to kids who will only tune in for 5 minutes because they are ready ready to move on. Thank you. Also, don’t forget how to change a tire! Forgot to teach that one only to get the message “the car is parked on NE Elm with a flat tire.” For Pete’s sake, how many other practical tips have I forgotten to share? As for the sentiments, neaking a love letter into their sock drawer before you leave works too.
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One more thing on the college freshman's to do list; learn about and then practice mindfulness meditation. View it like an exercise, like a morning run. It's the 2,500 year old way to get into the peaceful zone you wish you could achieve but without chemicals.
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I absolutely loved this! As a former middle school math teacher at a Girls’ Private School and founder of an Empowerment Program for adolescent girls, I found your advice spot on. As I noted in my share to my Facebook Page, this is hysterical, poignant and honest. My three kids are all out of college now, however this advice will be shared with friends, students and colleagues and appreciated by many- I am certain. Thank you for a really useful reminder and piece of writing.
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All of this is sound advice in parenting, but misses the mark. Wouldn’t it be far more effective to try to instill knowledge and values during the entire journey of parenting, starting when you suggest your toddler share and your four year old say “thank you”? It’s absurd to believe last minute advice on how to lead a responsible life, delivered on the eve of departure for college, can have a major impact.
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What makes you think she wasn't imparting those things all these years? This piece wasn't about parenting, it was about leaving the nest.
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I’m going to guess that you have no children, or at the very least have not gone through this experience yet.
There’s a moment in the days or hours before one parts from their now grown child(ren)when many a parent panics. It’s like a deadline and we’re cramming every last bit in. Those pieces of advice are offered like talismans, with the hope that they offer protection, as much for our children as for ourselves.
My two both left for college last year. I wrote each a letter every month with pearl of wisdom ideas that I wished I realized when I was 20, but didn’t until much later kind of thing. We rarely discussed the letters, but from time to time in other discussions, each of my kids would say something that indicated they were taking in the content of my letters.
Our kids still need us, just differently. It’s a big transition for everyone. We are no longer parenting so much as mentoring. It’s profound that this once helpless infant is now an independent grown up.
But that was the goal after all.
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@Daniette
I just said "Be careful" and sent him off, just like my parents did for me. If I hadn't made an impression in the previous 18 years, then there's not much I could have done in the last few days.
I also tossed a package of condoms into the bottom of one of his packing containers when he wasn't looking.
He's almost done now, has found a solid major that he likes, does his work, doesn't drink, and seems to have a nice, stable girlfriend, so I've got no regrets.
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Thank you!!! I finished lamenting about that exact paranoia (“did we do a good job!?”) about three minutes before I found this article. You’ve assuaged many of my fears.
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These are great reminders for all of us. Smiling is good.
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Fabulous. A treat.
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I feel you, Kelly Corrigan. And the cornhole bit made me laugh out loud. Thank you.
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You nailed it. Totally nailed it. As a mom about to launch a second kid, I can think of nothing to add except "Always text us back so we know you're alive."
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Or how about live your own life, filled with good and bad decisions, regrets and fond memories, and one day perhaps you can attempt to tell your children how to avoid life's pitfalls and pains. And fail. Because some knowledge and wisdom must be lived and learned and cannot be summarized in an essay (no matter how well intentioned). But these things are always really about the parents and not the children, aren't they?
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Beautiful. As always, Kelly captures the emotions of the real moments of life and parenting and puts them into the truest of words. I'm taking my son to college next week and I could never have found the language to express the layers of this experience, but thankfully Kelly has. Though so many years have passed, I too keep finding myself back at the beginning...smooth little feet, arm around my neck, big toothless grin. Thank you Kelly.
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These are awesome. I wish I had something like this when I left for college, but I still did well for myself.
I wonder how many items get remembered. Maybe they can be tattooed backwards on their back so they can reread them when taking a selfie in a mirror.
It is clear if these awesome instructions are placed anywhere else you will find them unopened if they ask for your help moving.
Best of luck letting go. It is very very tough.
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Fun article! I worry though that by citing only women as pop culture examples of parenting, you’re implying that only women are actually responsible for parenting. Perhaps you are only reflecting pop culture’s prejudice? Nonetheless, it’s worth considering whether you’re perpetuating it.
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Stop. Just stop. The article is amazing.
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@Eamonn she is writing from her perspective as a MOTHER! Thus, she cites other mothers.
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How about talking to your children about taking a gap year or whether or not they actually want to go to school. There were so many unprepared kids when I went to school for my bachelor's degree, and most of them did not want to be there and some of them even dropped out, owing thousands of dollars. All kids could benefit from a gap year, AmeriCorp, NCCC or maybe even the military like I did. College isn't for everyone and it shouldn't be forced on kids. Also, as a veteran, I'm not a fan of when people say "thank you for your service" it is corny and not necessary, most veterans will agree.
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@Patrick - is there anything we can do to express our deepest gratitude to active duty military without sounding corny? Something hearfelt or should we say nothing? My brother served for 25 years and I am so proud, I always want to hug those I see in uniform!
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@Patrick If I first tell veterans that my dad was a career Army officer and I am a bona fide Army brat, then am I allowed to tell them thank you?
My dad spent his career working long hours, risking his life during multiple overseas hardship tours, and missing many of the milestones of his kids growing up. He often mentioned he regretted that he never felt he really got to know my brother and myself until we were high school and early college-aged students. He never expressed any other regrets, even when he suffered through several years of Parkinson's disease (resulting from Agent Orange exposure) before his death.
I am sorry if some veterans think the sentiment is corny, but for many of us it is indeed heartfelt.
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Based on the three vets comments against and none for, I’d recommend avoiding “Thank you for your service” despite the protestations by the commentators who have not served. In their protestations, it is clear that they want to feel better rather than caring what the veteran feels. Listen. The phrase is trite and frankly, feels like an attempt at absolution that the person never gave anything up for the country but, hey, is glad someone else did.
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Teach your children how to write checks and what checks are. They still might have to deal with one once in a while. My apartment manager has to teach your children how to write checks.
Also, explain why you shouldn't write on your apartment walls or otherwise deliberately damage the apartment. The same manager told me that one of the young adult tenants did that. Since it's both a lease violation and a state statutory violation for a tenant to damage the apartment, presumably the tenant will lose his damage deposit.
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Great article. I would add this: If you are stressed out, if you take on too much, if you feel like you'll never fit in, if you can't face another day - reach out. Talk to someone. There are all sorts of things you can do to make things better, and all kinds of people willing to help you do that. And just think - someday in the not too distant future, the problems that currently seem desperate and insurmountable will be done and past and largely forgotten. Just talk to someone. You don't have to be alone.
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Back in '68-'74 I was thrown in the mix at UMD. (Similar to the old '50's story about summertime parental monitoring: You were thrown out the front door and told to be home by dinner.)
I was homesick the first semester. Especially overwhelmed by the teasing in the dorm but everyone lighten up probably by a talk from the RA. Second semester was better. I got an opportunity to move to a co-ed dorm (new at the time) early 3rd semester, jumped at it because I knew I needed it. I was right.
College would have been better had someone, anyone had given me some counseling in my senior year of high school.
I was an RA my last year in Hagerstown 2. That remains the best job I ever had. Thanks Paul Herman, wherever you are, for taking a chance on me with that job.
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I started reading this article without looking who is the author. Half-way through I’m thinking “wow what a great piece, this author just gets it and just puts it all out there in a beautiful way.” Then I saw Kelly Corrigan wrote this and thought “of course it’s just right.” Thank you Ms. Corrigan for this and your other writings which have been just so perfect.
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Wonderful. Thank you.
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SOOOO GOOD, Kelly! I have shared this with friends, and they all love it too. So well written and so much truth!
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I like this article because it gives me tips for myself since I'll be attending college in exactly a year. These are very smart ideas because some high school junior/senior students think that College is full of partying. These tips are good for freshman because they are new and feel overwelmed because they might think that they don't fit in. This is like a little ice breakers.
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Great advice. I think most of it applies to graduating seniors too.
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