Welcome to what every single adoptee has gone through since time began. I had no idea of what had been been my name at birth until I was 35 years old, and I still recall all the hoops that had to be jumped through for me to get that piece of paper - including having to ask my extremely reluctant adoptive mother to file for the court order for me, because as an adopted person, even at the age of 35, I still did not have the legal right to file for the adoption order myself.
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I remember calling my grandmother in 1983 shortly after our second daughter was born. When we told her the name we'd chosen she said, "Oh, that's rather old-fashioned."
Who knew "Emily" would become so popular?
8
I am also a Lauren, but I didn't get my name for a couple months. I was born 12 weeks premature, and it took my mom some time to decide what she wanted it to be. Understandably this is pretty common for preemies, and the NICU nurses in that hospital would come up with temporary names for the baby in the meantime. They called me Noël. While I don't identify with the name, I love the story - a tribute to the nurses who worked tirelessly to keep us preemies alive.
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@LMB Beautiful story, thank you.
5
I am also a Lauren, but I didn't get my name for a couple months. I was born 12 weeks premature, and it took my mom some time to decide what she wanted it to be. Understandably this is pretty common for preemies, and the NICU nurses in that hospital would come up with temporary names for the baby in the meantime. They called me Noël. While I don't identify with the name, I love the story - a tribute to the nurses who worked tirelessly to keep us preemies alive.
My mother always told me that she'd been meaning to name me Karin (with the emphasis on the second syllable) up until I was born, but changed their minds because they thought I looked like an Erika and my older sister's name starts with a K so they thought it would be confusing.
I've always hated Erika, because everyone always misspells it Erica, it's impossible to turn into a nickname, and kids teased my childhood tomboy self by calling her Erik and saying I was a boy. I always felt like Karin was the name I was supposed to have, and Erika felt like a stranger to me.
I altered the spelling a bit to make my online handle in high school, though I mostly only use it with online friends and my husband (I can't stand him calling me by my legal name). Maybe someday I'll get it legally changed.
4
Can a "Tiffi" grow up to be a neurosurgeon and can a Lauren grown up to be a stripper or are our behaviors and activities assigned to our names? When you found out your name was Tiffany, you chose all "wild" characteristics to act out. ( I know, your mom had already assigned those characteristics to that name). If your name had been Eleanor, you would have likely acted different. I just wonder how much expectation is on our name?
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My mother's name was Eleanor. I can assure you that Eleanor does not act like Tiffany.
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For sake of your exploration of self, a bit too quick to define the name Tiffany. I know a Tiffany, in the 1960's her mother loved the glass art by that name. My friend Tiffany is a brilliant, educated, successful in tech finance PR- woman, who is sometimes affectionately called Tiffy ,with really beautiful brunette hair.
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It’s nice to meet you
And hear the story of how
You are YOUR Lauren.
3
I thank the flying spaghetti monstering every day that my father chose the name "Karen" while my mother was too knocked out on pain meds following my birth. It's a name I could grow into womanhood with, and only the names to rival it for me would have been Stephanie, Claire, and Lauren. Names easily mistaken for that of a stripper or a heroine of a Rosemary Rogers or Kathleen E Woodwiss bodice ripper are akin to child abuse. Be glad your mother had your best interests in mind, Ms DePino.
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I love this article and all the comments. I was told that when I was born it took my parents 6 weeks to come up with a name for me. I was also born 6 weeks early. I grew up thinking they must have wanted a boy and had no female names picked out, but they were probably just unprepared. They finally settled on Catherine Sue and I was called Cathy. I had one cousin who called me Katie and I often wish I had used that name. (I use it now online.) There were so many Cathy’s that I changed the spelling of my name to Cathi when I went to college and it took my family years to accept that small of a change. I also hyphenated my last name when I was married because my generation was the end of the line for my dad’s last name, since my brother had no kids. Husband always hated that I did that which is one of the reasons he’s now my ex and I took back my maiden name!
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@KY Katie Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your name story! When I get married, I think I will hyphenate my name as well (or maybe I won't take another surname at all) because my generation is also the end of the line for my dad's last name! I love that you're Catherine with a C but go by Katie with a K.
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Names. My mother, was named Gemma by her Italian ancestry parents. Along the way she became Jean, I wish I had asked, but my recollection was Gemma was too “Italian.”
My wife Peggy’s mother was named Noreen, Irish descent. She was known as Irene when I met her. Peggy says her Dad started
“Calling” her Irene.
Peggy, née Margaret Anne, and me, Ed, new Edwin, decided to spare our sons, have them one syllable names, Scott and Bruce.
Despite our efforts some folks called Scott, Scotty and even a few times Brucie, 😔.
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Laurel wreath or Tiffany window, all good, great yarn.
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Lovely story. I think Mom and you made the right decision.
I like Lauren because Tiffany, at least to me, sounds like a flakey girl (sorry Tiffanys). Though with respect to your Mom....you know God did give us like nine months to think of this stuff.
What's in a name? Everything: If starts with A, you're always first ( not always a good thing!); if it's too long, it iis shortened by the world-at-large to accommodate the situation; even strangers strangers: "can we call you..." Even at the coffee shop it will be utterly shortened.... Essentially, the right name makes undeniable difference on how the world-at-arge will behave towards you, even your selfesteem will depend on it!
UNLESS you have strenght of caracter, pride of blood, and care enough about your individuality to not kotow to trends, barista's attitudes, or popular culture, to define who you are...
Even if your parents, in their primal wisdom, decided to named you: "Buffy "... the Vampire Slayer.
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@OAJ
If your name is John you will go through life being casually addressed by your last name. This is because a number of your friends will also be named John, and it gets too confusing.
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I was dying to know more about who I was and who I might have been — about both Lauren and Tiffi.
----------------
Engaging article. Are you by chance a gemini ( in which case you might be both Lauren and Tiffany). My own geminian twin developed his own alter name and persona.
I would have been inclined to name my child after she was born... but in the first trimester, I suggested, "What do you think about [1st name]? A few days later, the woman asked, "What about [1st name 2nd name]? And, it was done; we went about living our lives.
It was suggested to me that when a child is first verbal, one should ask, "Who were you before?" When I ask my daughter that, she answered quite certainly and a couple of times that she was [1st name 2nd name], while looking incredulously at me for seeming not to know that too!
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@vendorz I'm a scorpio but perhaps with gemini tendencies? And thank you for sharing that interesting bit about naming your daughter!
I always disliked "Don" until Mad Men.
Mercifully, Trump embraced "the Donald."
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A name that the person can define rather than a name that defines the person seems better.
Once I heard a woman introduce her baby daughter Tallulah. It seemed like a tough name to grow into.
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I was going to be "Bridget", but my two maiden aunts pressured my parents to name me after them. For years, I wondered what I would be as a "Bridget." But now, I see that both of my aunts lead the charge. The aunt whose first name I took, I always refer to as the "original." I am proud to have stepped in her footsteps, even though I know I am not as raucous as she was, as fearless as she was, or have nearly the sense of humor. But I have time to grow into those footsteps, and I have models to follow. I might have been a different person as "Bridget," but not a better person.
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Love this story. My parents named me Grace at birth. But when I was 3 days old my dad, who'd gone home to take care of my older sister and the household, came back to the hospital to learn that my mom had changed my name to Greta. And he'd already mailed out birth announcements for Grace! Family friends who received it still call me Grace. It's also my cafe and restaurant name. When my coffee is ready and the barrista holds it out, looks at me and calls me Grace, my alter-ego is summoned. She's part of me. I don't know what I'd do without her!
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@Greta Oh how I love this story! Thanks so much for sharing it!
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I never thought of changing my name, but I have often wondered if we had given our children different names would their lives have been different.
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I have an unusual name for someone who lives in the US, but not for someone from Italy. As tradition, the first girl in the family is named after the paternal grandmother. As a child, I hated the formal name and the nicknames. I once came home from school and told my mother that if I had 6 kids, I was going to name them all Ann and John. However, as an adult, I love my name. There's no cutesy, inappropriate nickname on a 60 year old woman, and it has actually been a benefit to have an unusual name in my career. Yes, people spell it wrong or mispronounce it, but they remember me. All in all, I love my name.
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For decades, one of my librarian tasks was to give out first library cards to young folk. Names given at birth say more about the parent(s) than the child at that point. It was a window into popularity, ethnicity, and just plain crazy-spelling. Fascinating to hear what a young person might have to live up to or live with for the rest of their lives— even if they eventually purposely change it.
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Lauren - thank you for a great lunchtime read. My parents named me after my father’s brother who died as a teenager. His name was Seymour, but they felt this was too Jewish a name for a suburban boy and named me Scott. I have long contemplated changing my name, I look at photos of my uncle, who I never met and think about my real name. Your story got me thinking again. Curly hair is definitely better than straight and Lauren is a wonderful name.
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@ScottC Thank you for sharing your intriguing name story. Seymour is a beautiful name, and one I don't hear much. Also, I appreciate your kind words.
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I love this! names are so important. I have gone by a nickname derivative of my given name for my entire life. I never thought twice about it until I met my ex-fiance, who insisted on calling me by my full name, even when I introduced myself to others by my nickname. When I finally asked why he wouldn't use my preferred name (and admitted to myself that I do, in fact, have a preferred name, after all those years of feeling sort of apathetic about it), he said "Because your nickname isn't classy enough for you. Your given name is as elegant as you are." The backhandedness of the compliment was like a slap in the face; I don't know if he realized it, but he essentially said "I don't like the identity you've spent your life constructing, so I'm assigning you a new one that suits me better." Now, because I often meet people who have only known me as a line on a legal roster, I make it a point to say to them, "Nice to meet you. Please call me [x]." So far, no one else has greeted that with anything other than an affirmation. Fitting, as hearing my preferred name feels like an affirmation of myself in a way that my given name never has.
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@Georgina Wow, I just loved reading your name story. I am so grateful to you for sharing it! I especially love this line: "...hearing my preferred name feels like an affirmation of myself in a way that my given name never has." Good for you for knowing yourself and for asserting who you are.
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A fascinating and poignant comment. However, I would posit that the opposite is just as, or more, common: one partner gives the other a nickname riffing off the real name, and the other struggles to live up to the nickname. I have seen this happen.
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I can relate to this. My mom is Japanese-American (she's gosei, a fifth-generation immigrant) while my dad was born in Japan to a family that had never left. They met in grad school here in the U.S. and moved to Japan. I was born there, but before I was six months old, my dad took a new job in the U.S. and we relocated here.
When I was born, my parents gave me a Japanese name, believing they would stay there and I'd be growing up in Tokyo. As it turns out, they had second thoughts after moving to the U.S.
When I was about 13 or 14, I was helping my mom clean out some old boxes when I found some onesies, bibs and a few other items with "Tiffany" embroidered on them. I asked my mom and found out they'd come inches away from changing my name to Tiffany (yes, weird coincidence with the author) after moving here. They were always concerned about assimilation and thought things would be easier on me with an "American" name.
Unlike the author, I never felt any desire to "try it out." In fact, I kind of hate the name to this day. I'm Aiya and I like it that way.
They didn't need to worry about me fitting in. The Japanese girl with the Japanese name had no trouble finding her place in a sea of people who didn't look like her.
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@Aiya Beautiful story (and beautifully told, too). Thank you so much for sharing. Aiya is a gorgeous name. And how funny about the Tiffany coincidence!
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@Lauren Thank you so much for the compliments! I truly enjoyed your essay as well, and, though med school has dampened my usually voracious reading habits, I'll be keeping an eye out for your memoir.
I didn't spend much time wondering what sort of person I would be with a different name, but have often wondered who I would be if we had stayed in Japan, if I'd grown up in the thrumming crowds of Tokyo instead of the (comparative) solitude of Colorado's mountains. I'm not sure I'd recognize that girl.
8
Great story! In my family, it seemed to be the trend to change one's name. My grandmother (named Bertha) went by her middle name Jeanette, my aunt (Mildred) adopted the name Betty, and my mother (Marcia) hated the way people mispronounced her name so she went with a derivation of her middle name (Lori, from Lorraine). I'm named after her, and I rather like my name. My middle name was originally supposed to be Beth, but was changed to Dale after my father once joked that he'd like to say, "Dale, get the hale in here!" He never said that in my hearing, but if he had I could see myself changing that name.
4
@Lauren How interesting! Thank you for sharing! And it's nice to meet a fellow Lauren. I do love the name now.
2
A name can also indicate an ethnicity that the individual may or may not feel fits.
My parents came from different national backgrounds (which are also identified with different religions). As is typical, I was given a first name that goes well with my father’s (and thus my) last name, identifying me strongly with his ethnicity, though that is only one half of my heritage.
I sometimes fantasize that the situation was reversed, and that my mother’s maiden name were my last name and that my first name matched its ethnicity. Same genes; but would I feel like a different person? Would people have perceived me differently and made different assumptions about my character? What’s in a name ...
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@Kathy You make a truthful and important point. Because many of us wear our family paternal surname, the other side is masked. Thank you for sharing...
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I always hated my name. I was named after a character in a play my father loved. But I read the play and thought the character was weak and the playwright was garbage. Also, my name is unpronounceable, so meeting a new person was always tricky.
And then one day, an art history professor in college put a slide on the projector, turned to me and said “This is the goddess (my name). She’s flying to battle the giants and defend the gods. Isn’t she fantastic?” Yes indeed. Perspective adjusted. Thanks, Dad.
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@Qui So lovely, thank you.
4
Lauren, what a beautiful name. Glad you kept it. Thanks for the story. I was born in Cuba to very Catholic parents, and a mother who was devoted to the Virgin Mary. Since my mom had such a tough time conceiving and carrying me to term, she named me “Maria del Rosario.” It sounds pretty in Spanish but when I arrived in the U.S. in the early 60’s after Castor took over, the name didn’t translate and was unpronounceable to my teachers (nuns) and classmates! I came to despise my name, and decided at the young age of eight that I would ask the teachers and studio call me “Mari” which they pronounced “Mary.” This helped, but I had to re-explain every autumn to a new teacher and class! I was so embarrassed and so, when I became a citizen I changed my name legally to, Mari, I love it! It’s easy, and no...my American friends do not pronounce it correctly though many try, I don’t mind.
Names matter, please choose wisely.
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@Mari as you know from reading my piece I grew up Catholic (and studied Spanish!) and I love both Maria del Rosario and Mari. I also think people should work harder to pronounce your name properly—it's beautiful. Thank you for sharing your name story here.
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@Mari
"Charo" is a common nickname for Rosario and it's easy to pronounce in any language.
What a great story! I was born Beth, and have spent my life explaining that it’s “just Beth” not Elizabeth or Bethany. I spent my teens wishing it was Elizabeth, though, because I thought Liz would be such a cool nickname. What can you do with Beth? Then when I was a young banker, I received mail at work addressed to Buff; someone misheard my secretary when she registered me for a seminar over the phone. So very quickly at work I became Buffy. That was over thirty years ago. I’m still Buffy to my hubby and close friends. Still not sure I’m thrilled about it, but it’s a term of endearment, right? ;)
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@Buffylou Oh, I love that story! Thanks for sharing it!
2
Fun piece! So I'm not the only one who had name angst?!
Born Debra Lee in the mid-50's and called Debbie (a Debbie Reynolds thing?) I never felt like a Debbie, seemed a cheerleader name and I didn't feel like one.
By 12 yrs old I would ask strangers if they thought I looked more like a Debbie or ________. I'd at least changed the spelling to Debi to be different.
Then in high school the highly-talked about, cult-like 'porn' movie 'Debbie Does Dallas' cinched the distaste for my name, no matter how I spelled it and no matter that the prettiest girl in school was named Debbie.
Thought of using Debra but my English teacher would mock the name as snooty-sounding, breathily drawing it out with his nose in the air (such a hippy jerk!). So that alternative was shot down, but I can't say I didn't agree with him.
Having a roommate named Debbie in college I jumped at the chance to differentiate myself. After all, how would we know who all the boys were calling for I rationalized, Debbie or Debi? Perfect time to start using my middle name Lee -- a new chapter, new life. And I loved its neutrality in those Woman's Lib years -- it could be male or female. Have been Lee ever since.
But as the author writes and even experimented with, I also have wondered "who I'd be" if I'd kept the name of my first 18 yrs
. . . would I be different???
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@Lee I love your name story. So fascinating. Thank you so much for sharing! And Lee is beautiful.
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@Lauren, yes, Lee is a name that is womanly and competent.
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@Karen
Glad you enjoyed it Lauren -- great 'Ties topic' you wrote about!
Lee: Conjures up Lee Remick, Princess Lee Radziwell, (Jacqueline Kennedy's sister).
Must admit, I am considered quite 'competent' . . . I wonder if Debi would have been equally so?
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Lauren, you mom sounds awesome.
That story about her taking off her shirt at the dinner table because you dad was shirtless - so funny and inspiring.
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@fast/furious Thank you so much! She definitely is awesome.
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@Lauren and fast/furious
You two are truly missing the elephant in the room here.
1
I was “Lark” for the first couple days of my life, then fortunately Sarah. I am most definitely NOT a lark.
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My birth name is Leshawn. It was changed when I was 6 years old because I was highly effeminate for a male child and often teased that Leshawn was a “girl’s name.” In addition, my birth certificate reads “Lashawn” with an “a” not Leshawn. My mother insists that this was a mistake by the hospital, but I believe the change from an “a” to an “e” was my parents first attempt at giving me a more masculine name.
Oddly, I don’t remember ever being called any variation of my birth name while growing up. I have a strong memory of being teased after my name was changed for once having a “girl’s name.” I also vaguely remember choosing my new name after a football player announced during a televised game (though I have no idea who this player might be). If not for my birth certificate, I probably would have forgotten all together.
Like the author, I considered changing my name back for the same reasons and decided to stick with my current name for much the same reasons. I do wonder how growing up, embracing a more feminine name, would have impacted who I am today.
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@MDargan Thank you so much for sharing your own name story.
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Lauren,
I enjoyed your story,but I didn't see any mention of your mother 0FFICIALLY changing your name. This is important because of the new REAL ID law. You need a birth certificate when you apply for one. I sent off for one from Texas where I was born. What a shock. My name was different! The name I've been using all my life, the name on my social security card, my employment records, college records, service records, social security checks, etc. is different from my birth certificate. It's a small difference, and I know how it happened. It happened much the same way you describe - my mother who"...could not process the whirlwind of my arrival..." possibly on drugs, gave the wrong name to the nurse who filled out the form. (When I told this to the lady who rejected my request for a REAL ID, she said, "You'll have to take that up with the state of Texas". Right. I'll just have to track down that nurse who, may or may not still be alive, and say 'Do you remember when you helped to deliver a baby of an army captain's wife nearly 70 years ago?')
So, I'm in the process (all the forms!) of getting my current name recognized as my as my completely official name. Funny, the government had no trouble drafting me under my current name.
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@Thucydides Thanks so much for reading and commenting! And changing your name legally is indeed a process! Thankfully my mother did do it and that is why my current birth certificate (which says Lauren) is issued months after my birth. Funny how I never questioned it.
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@Thucydides Great story! When the gov. needs you, no problem. When you need the gov., not so easy.
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I changed my first name after finishing college—from a rare but real diminutive of my actual first name to the most common one. It was a burial rite for the person I was until age 21–someone who lacked confidence and was utterly lonely. The 60 plus years since then have proven that I made the right choice. Names are so powerful that I urge anyone who feels burdened by their parents’ choice—even of “just” a nickname—to take action and grab the reins.
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In the Jewish tradition, a child is named after a beloved deceased relative. It is a way for the elder to be remembered and live on. To name a child after someone who is still alive is to wish that person dead. In America, if the tradition is followed, it becomes complicated because it is the ‘Jewish name’ that was honored. After a family argument, a Rabbi deemed that my Mother’s English name was too close (in Jewish) to someone still alive on the other side of the family. The compromise that was agreed upon was to use her middle name in the interim, which stuck and which she used her entire life. The dilemma for my brother and I was what to put on her foot stone. We went with the name order she chose to continue to use.
In my case, I was named after my Mother’s mother- her Jewish name only. It was/is sort of a curse and a blessing. It is mispronounced 4 times out of 5 and even when I spell it for someone before I say it, I watch them writing it incorrectly on whatever form is being filled out. As a kid I hated it because it was different. As an adult, it is fairly unique and often is a point of conversation. It is simply......my name. I can imagine no other. And nothing against my husband, I proudly continued to wear my father’s last name.
As an artist, I have signed my name to thousands of works over my lifetime. It is as much a part of who I am as the color of my eyes or my curly hair.
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@Swampmallow Very moving. Thank you for sharing.
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@Lauren all of the interesting and wonderful comments here are a great continuance of the conversation you started. Bravo! A great beginning to the week. Take care.
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I have a very unusual “real” first name which I have always been slightly embarrassed about and have always wondered how it came to be. The story goes my mother made it up, although my father changed the story many times so I’ll never know the truth of it. My mother died before I was old enough to know to ask. I have been teased about it, derided because of it, argued with about it and even asked if I was sure I was pronouncing it correctly which made me laugh out loud. Now, finally in my 6th decade I am at peace with it.
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Love it!
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Thanks for this lovely story. And thank you to everyone who wrote comments.
Raised in multiple cultures, I always had more than one name and also had and have several nicknames. All of those people were different, all of them were me, and none of them were me. As was and wasn't me the name I always knew I would have been given had I been born the other binary gender.
Almost 70 now, recently a waiter misheard the name I gave them and renamed me a name that I really like. My family refuses to use it, but I always use it now when signing guest books at museums and when I get take-out. It doesn't go with my single last name, which I do like, so sometimes I pair it with my father's mother's last name, for a rather elegant fit.
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@dark brown ink How fascinating—thank you so much for sharing your story and for your kind words. I love this and find it rings so true for me: "All of those people were different, all of them were me, and none of them were me." I think about Tiffi and Lauren and some of my nicknames and what you said definitely applies.
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@dark brown ink
I have long been flummoxed by something called "affect theory" but I think your last paragraph may capture it, if only minutely -- a "contingent" (out of the blue) moment that cascades into something significant in a person's life.
Can any affect theorists out there set me straight if that's wrong?
This makes me think of when my daughter (Grace) was born and how my mother (Phyllis) remarked on the return of names that in her mind belonged to her own mother’s generation. “Someday,” she said, “there will be Graces and Mollys taking care of Tiffanys and Ambers in nursing homes.”
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My mother was going to name me Martha, after one of the most beautiful girls in her high school but my aunt saved me from having to defend myself with that name for the rest of my life and I was given a more conventional name, which no one has teased me ever.
And yes this was a very lovely story --- I actually got choked up and teary eyed at the end when the mom said why she named the writer Lauren.
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@Sasha Love Thank you so much for your kind words. And I love the name Sasha—how beautiful. I'm glad you were named something you love. I don't know many people who can say that!
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@Sasha Love
I was named Martha, a several century family name. In grade school I often complained to my mother why I had such an "old lady" name rather than a popular name like Sue or Kathy. Her reply, "So you can grow old gracefully". I embrace it now, as I embrace those who lie beneath the stones with my same name.
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@Lauren My real name is actually not Sasha. Its a nom de plume and I always loved the name Sasha. In real life, I'm actually named after one of the dead Kennedy girls (and the sister of JFK), who died in 1948.
1
Two stories:
1. When I was 12, I went to a week-long camp, and I decided to 'change my name'. I told everyone I wanted to go by my middle name which was Valerie. (It was not).
For a week I got to be 'another name'. It did not change me in any way at all. I guess 'a rose, is a rose, is a rose'.
2. In reality, at birth I had been given one of those 'two names name: Like Peggy Sue, for example. But I was always called by my middle name.
So I was always 'stuck' with a first name that wasn't 'me'. That name always showed upon records, class attendance rolls, medical documents, etc.
Finally, when I was 32, I went to court, and legally changed my name. Now my legal first name is the name I've always been called and my middle name is my maiden name.
Through all my names, I've always been the same person, never one of the 'goody good girls', but never a 'wild child' either.
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When I was a child I had a nickname that I hated. When I went to school I was asked if I had a nickname and I said no. I started asking my family to call me by my given name and I would not answer to my nickname. Little by little the nickname was forgotten. Only some of my cousins continued calling me by the nickname but it felt like they were calling a different person. Once in a while a person I have not seen for a very long time mentions the nickname and it feels as if a ghost has entered the room. From the most remote of my memories I remember feeling that I was not the person the nickname represented. At least I had a name that I felt comfortable with and that I did not have to change. If the nickname had been my name I would have changed it, no doubt about that. I never gave nicknames to my children and made sure they had names that were not questionable. Names are somthing you have to wear your whole life, so it is good to feel comfortable in them.
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@Marta I agree that we should have names that make us feel comfortable. Also, I love how you asserted your agency very young and told people to call you your given name, not your nickname. Kudos to you.
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@Lauren Thanks for taking the time to read our name stories. This is a subject that many people don't think is relevant. But to those of us who have had name stories it is. A name is in many ways the definition of who you are. And I think your parents were right in naming you Lauren!
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I disliked my name intensely when I was growing up...there were, out of around 100 girls in my class, at least five w/my legal name or nickname. Once I went away to college, though, I've rarely run into anyone w/my name & haven't considered changing it since my teens. As an adult I learned that my mother wanted to name me Elizabeth Anne, but my dad insisted that I be named after one of his cousins (my mom is still resentful toward my dad for this a half-century later). Considering I grew up in the '70s, I'm guessing I would have been Beth, & I don't really feel like a Beth (or any form of Elizabeth, actually). Ironically, the cousin I'm named after changed her name to the French version of the name!
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@Bobcat108 What an interesting story! Thanks for sharing.
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@Lauren: I forgot to mention that if you're interested in names, you may want to check out Nameberry.com...
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I recently had my name legally changed, and it has changed my life in profound and subtle ways. I was named after my mother, a woman with whom I had a contentious relationship with throughout my life. Of course, being a child of the '50's my surname was my father's. I then took my partner's name when we got married. None of these names ever felt completely comfortable to me, and I had considered changing them for decades. I finally pulled the trigger in 2017. I had attended the Women's March in DC in January of that year, and I feel that that life-changing event was the spur for making this change. I feel lighter having moved out from under the burden of names which were never mine and claiming my own.
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@Grace Harper How inspiring (and empowering). Thank you so much for sharing.
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@Grace Harper
A word that doesn't appear in this essay, or in the comments I've read so far is: class. Yet that's a big element of what's under discussion.
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My parents told me not long after I had my first name changed legally at age 45 that it had taken then almost four months after I was born to finally decide on a name for me(!). And then, without much imagination, they named me after my father and I became a John Jr. That name never felt like it was my own and, I finally chose, a bit belatedly, my own name, Jackson. My father and I were both called Jack, so the name Jackson, was readily accepted and we moved on. As a bonus, the change also let me eliminate a middle name I had always felt uncomfortable with.
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@JacksonG I love that! Thank you. And your story is somewhat similar to mine—finding out all of this as adults!
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Thank you Lauren for this beautiful story. All three of my children have changed their names - and I am all for it. My eldest (Heather) is now called Ace after their grandfather. They changed their name legally to include my maiden name as a way of honoring both sides of the family. My middle child (Anna) is now called Annabelle, which is what I wanted to name in the first place but my husband thought it was too old fashioned, yet she chose Annabelle in her teens and the name took hold and stuck. My youngest was born Julianne but is now called Kingsley and whose name will be legally changed next month. I find it empowering that these three strong siblings renamed themselves in their own version of who they saw themselves as. At first the name changes were hard to internalize but now they are as natural as if I had chosen the names myself. They fit. It is, however, very confusing for some of my relatives! My own name, Laura Anne, has always been lyrical to me and I’ve never wanted to change it. Thanks again for this piece - it really hit home for me.
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@LATR 1 Thanks for reading and for your kind words. And wow, I love the three names your three daughters chose for themselves. It makes me think more and more that children should have a say in the matter, once they are old enough to do so. That names are more important than we generally perceive and choosing our own names at a young age may indeed be empowering and help us to better establish our identities. I also love how supportive you are of your children's choices to change their names. Thanks again for sharing your family's fascinating name-changing story.
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@Lauren note that @LATR1 referred to three children, not three daughters. Julianne-Kingsley is not given a gender by the poster.
When I was in school in the mid-1950s there was a brief fad involving adolescent boys bleaching their hair. (Only in California, I think now, but maybe elsewhere.)
I often wonder how, or whether, my life would have changed if I had kept my hair blond. Would I have become a surfer? An actor? Who knows?
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@Concerned Citizen The good news, sort of, is that I no longer have any hair that I need to worry about bleaching.
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Names are important. My advice, do not use a name that requires your child (giving pronunciations) or employers extra effort. I gave my daughters names that would be appropriate for a male or female child. Over the years that have told me of the surprise on the faces of job interviewers who say, "Oh, I thought you were a guy."
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@Kuhlsue
Other names can be a bad idea.
I suspect that a lot of girls who were named Khaleesi got their names changed after GAME OF THRONES did an episode where the Khaleesi went berserk and set a city on fire. It's a very bad idea to name one's child after a TV character , particularly one that could go in an unexpected direction.
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Thanks for this story. I too have wondered sometimes about who I would have been had my father's first choice (Courtney) won the day. Mom didn't like it so they compromised on Sarah. Happened again when my brother was born!
Makes me a bit more curious on the very few occasions when I have met a Courtney. I illogically tune in a bit more to a Courtney's description of her life experiences as if this is somehow going provide me information on how all Courtneys behave or how I would have been had I been a Courtney.
Mostly I think this is a slightly more specific way to wish for what everyone wishes for, i.e. a more exciting, fun, superlative life than the one they have. After all no one thinks that the Tiffis or Courtneys will have *gasp* less interesting life experiences. And also no doubt your Tiffi alter ego will be maybe wishing she had been a Lauren!
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@S Very interesting thoughts—thank you for sharing! And sometimes, when I feel particularly fearful or inhibited, just for fun, I think: What would Tiffi do?
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One good story . . . inspires many more! Thanks to Ms. DePino.
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Thanks so much!
Names are so important. My mother always told me that she wanted to name me Leah, but couldn't go through with it because it means "my sorrow." I got stuck instead with an extremely old-school name usually reserved for crusty, no-nonsense types in movies and plays. It was my grandmother's name.
Having been responsible for naming new people now, I know the dilemma. I found it difficult, but the names I chose wore into their wearers like rings leave a mark on your finger, even when they fit well. It is interesting to think what one might have been if labeled differently. . .
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@Ina Pickle I love this: "...but the names I chose wore into their wearers like rings leave a mark on your finger, even when they fit well." Thanks for reading and sharing.
“Ina Pickle” — what a fabulous name! No one will ever forget it — or you! And an extra bonus is that it’s easy to spell. A winner all around.
Love this piece and what it reveals. I found out as a kid that although my mother had succeeded in naming me Linda (way popular at the time, meaning there was always more than one in the class), my father had wanted to name me Catherine. Which explained, to my mind, why when people got my name wrong they frequently called me Cathy. I've often wondered about that lost Cathy, who in France would have become Catherine and perhaps finally Cat.
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@Linda Thanks for your kind words and for sharing your own name story. My mother goes by Catherine and as you've read, is very free spirited!
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Great article! My parents gave all six of us Catholic saints' names. I was named after Saint Catherine of Sienna, but my mother said I was almost named Bernadette. Now and then, I wonder where that other girl would have gone.
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I loved the surprise ending! When I was a boy growing up Catholic, all my friends were named Michael or Joseph or David. I had this very “ethnic” name and felt embarrassed. Then I grew up and became a writer. I realized then I had a unique name, and others remember it. I took the artistic liberty of sticking in a hyphen, making it really stand out. Most importantly was learning to like my name because my first name was my dad’s middle name, while his first name is my own middle name. Both my grandfathers were named John, and my great-grandfather Andriote (which is simply a term for someone from the Greek island of Andros) was Emanuel. Today my name gives me a deep sense of connection and continuity. So glad I didn’t get an ordinary name!
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@John-Manuel Andriote I love that story—thanks so much for sharing! And I love your name! I'll look out for your writing!
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Take a clue from Robert Muller's underlings: "Bobby Three Sticks."
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Interesting to read. One commentator wrote what’s in a name ? In many cases it might be true but in my case it’s entirely different. My name is Sivaram, a male and a born Hindu. In good old days, parents used to give the names of Hindu Gods and Godesses to their sons and daughters so that they can always remember God whenever they call their children.
My name Sivaram is the combination of two Hindu Gods. They are Siva and Rama. Sivaram is nothing but Harihar. There is a history behind the creation of new God called Harihar. Hari means Vishnu and Har means Siva. By the way Ram is incarnation of Vishnu. The followers of Siva and Vishnu used to quarrel a lot. So people got fed up with them. As such some wise people had this brilliant idea of creating a new God called Harihar to bring peace between arch rivals.
That’s the story of my name.
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@Sivaram Pochiraju oh, how I LOVE that story. Thank you for sharing it.
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@Lauren : Thanks for your compliment. I appreciate your reply.
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@Sivaram Pochiraju
Haven't read all of the comments so far so maybe this is premature:
Thank you for the one illuminating cultural lesson to come out of this essay. I learned something today.
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louis comfort tiffany can't believe how many American women bear his family name. it's like naming your child Costco - where, i understand, they sell lovely diamonds too. also see the proliferation of girls named Chanel in recent years.
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My mom thinks I took my husband’s last name because I listened to her advice that teachers will mistreat your kids if mom and dad’s and kid’s last names don’t match because you’re...you know, divorced.
No, it was so I could put my last name in the middle and get rid of my middle name, which Grandma had attached to my first name in a hideous family nickname that wouldn’t go away. Imagine being called Lauralynn during the height of the popularity of Loretta Lynn, it was like that.
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@Di my daughter changed her name after marriage to also ditch the unsatisfying Lyn middle name. She kept her maiden name as her new strong middle name. When we named her, we had been on the fence. God only knows where "Lyn" came from.
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This made me laugh out loud, thanks! I have a friend named Tiffany. She was born Kieu Oanh and chose Tiffany when she came to America from Vietnam at 17 many years ago. She’s the best. It’s fun to think of assuming an identity along with a name and changing your life. My association with the name Tiffany brings to mind someone funny, smart and fierce.
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@Theresa Thanks for reading and commenting! Your Tiffany sounds fabulous—maybe if my mother knew a Tiffany like her, Tiffany would still be my name! :)
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If you cannot figure out why being a stripper would not be worse than almost any other job, political correctness has addled your brain. Strippers have a short shelf-life until their looks fade. They are preyed upon by men. They do not contribute anything to the betterment of society. They are not looked upon as worthy humans by the men leering at them for the sole purpose of arousal and fantasy. They seldom make enough money to have a comfortable life by the time their breasts are no longer perky. We have deluded young girls into thinking that taking off their clothes is freedom and self-actualization, when it is really consumerism and money made on the backs of women---basically another way of screwing them.
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@fireweed - I think you're missing the point of the essay. Lighten up!
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@fireweed
Great user name, fireweed.
@fireweed
Hear hear!
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Tiffany was valedictorian of my high school class, earned degrees from Middlebury College and St John’s College (home of the study of the Great Books), served in the Peace Corps, and is a highly successful businesswoman. What’s in a name?
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I love that! Thank you for sharing!
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@Eme
But did you call her "Tiffi"? *Groan*
Yes ... I was Jill-Maree Williams in my early life as an Army child - always the new kid, and educationally accelerated, so my name was a burden in many respects! Julie was a compromise acceptable to family and elsewhere. But I had a colleague named Nola, who once was mistakenly addressed as Lola - what a different life she might have had.
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Yes! Nola and Lola conjure very different images of personas for me. And I love the name Julie.
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My parents named me after my uncle because he was a favorite of theirs. I never really knew the man because me lived eight time zones away in the "old country". They used the female form of the name which changes one letter. The name to my ear always lacked music, but it means "free" and I made peace with it and it served my pretty well through five decades of feminism. Then, the year I turned fifty, they all died and I got divorced. A new start seemed imperative and I renamed myself moving my old name into second place and adapting for the first the name of the lovely aunt I wished I had been name for all along. I have been told many times that old and the new name sound charming together and I get treated in whole different way. I have no difficulty believing the author was freed by her name experiment, people do react strongly to names. In my turn I gave my daughter three names, one very unusual, one a little exotic and one nice common one that has at least six possible short forms so she could mix it up to her preference. She has the first two as her stage name and finds the third useful when she wants anonymity!
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Thank you for sharing! I love what you did with your own name to align with the new chapter in your life!
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I too changed my name and prefer the one I chose. Names matter much more than people care to admit so don’t name children using family or biblical names unless you actually like the name.
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Thank you for sharing. I haven't read anyone's name experience that resonated with me like yours. The fall semester of my freshman year at university, I began using my given name. 3 hours away from my small-town home, new friends, and new opportunities afforded me a perfect moment to be all me with my given name. I had always secretly preferred Maya to my nickname, Missy. Maya was not a common name in 1970s South Texas, and while I didn't choose my nickname, it was easier to wear than Maya (explaining where it came from - Russian ballet dancer - or correcting mispronunciation - My-uh, not May-uh). A little kid should not have to explain her name ad nauseam. That was in 1988, and I've never looked back. What is super-sweet now, as only time and age can allow, is the appreciation I have for the few folks who still call me Missy, even though I am Maya to me.
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I love that story. Thanks so much for sharing it!
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I too changed my name. I was given the name Ruth at birth, but for as long as I can remember, I didn't like it. First, because people called me Ruthie and I HATE diminutives. Second, when at Sunday School I learned the story of Ruth, I knew it was wrong for me. I was never ever going to be a "whither thou goest I will go." If anyone wanted to be with me, they would have to join me. And, finally, I knew that I would always carry my last name (my father's name) but I wanted to honor my mother's side of the family, so I took my maternal grandmother's maiden name and my mother's maiden name with I hyphenated with my father's last name. Best of all, my new name (legal and all) sounds musical to me.
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@Riley, I'm assuming your name is Riley now? It's beautiful. And what a lovely name story. Thank you for sharing.
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@Riley
My middle name is Ruth.
But I think of myself as Ruthless
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This is a beautiful piece. What's in a name? So little and so much. BTW, I think Lauren is a fabulous name. And it is funny how we take on the name, wearing it as though we could never have been anyone else--when of course, we could have. Many of us almost were.
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@Nicole Thank you for reading and commenting! It was fun to explore who I almost was!
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This sets me thinking, who might any of us been. I've always hated my name and loved the name my Mom told me I almost had. But we are what we are, I guess. This was a joy!
@jetset69 Thank you for reading. I'm curious what your almost-name was! It's never too late to try it out! :)
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I’m transgender and I legally changed my name at 17.
Having the power to choose your own name and define yourself is very validating.
And if you end up choosing the name you were given, that’s still a choice too- and hopefully the journey of trying on names and questioning has brought you closer to yourself.
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@L Brown good for you. Our names are so important, whether given to us at birth, or chosen by us to reflect who we really are, and we should always strive to say people's names correctly. It is a sign of respect and tells us that we are really seen.
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@L Brown thank you for sharing—I love that you changed your name—how empowering.
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I wonder: Do many transgender folks ask their parents what opposite-gender name had been selected for them and consider using it?
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