Absurd. The world burns while how many hundreds of millions peer into a hyped-up reflection of how they may age. One thing for sure, whatever we may get, we deserve it.
32
It has been reported that this app was made by the same Russians who hacked us. When you except the legalese document you are enabling them to use all your photos, etc...
Please be advised and use carefully.
Ms Gerrard maybe you should put out a warning about this new development.
13
Aging is essentially fair. We all participate equally. Don’t complain. You’re alive.
Trade your data for a pic that time travels? Brilliantly lame. Look at an old pic instead.
Excess vanity can be co opted by malevolent forces. Resist the temptation to empower an evil Russian ruse. We already gave them a president.
34
Well, that was abrupt.
2
No thanks!
Fear of death. Enough said.
6
Thank you, Ms. Gerrard, for a wonderful piece.
There is nothing good about getting older -- nothing. Anyone who says otherwise is deluding themselves. All that we can do is to make the best of a bad situation.
6
No need for FaceApp, I'll just look at my parents, aunts and uncles. I should be so lucky!
11
If you use this app, or Facebook, say goodbye to your privacy. Businesses are feeding data scientists your data in order to encroach further on your lifestyle and independence from commercial intrusion.
8
How did this piece go from seeing your older, frazzled self in a department store mirror to reading poetry to your dying father suffering dementia? To conflate the two is increasingly becoming part of the problem with how people view getting old. There is an impulse to run for the exit as if someone yelled, "Your hair is on fire!" It's just not necessary. There is that saying, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst." In this case, it ought to say, "Live your best, be prepared for the worst, but for goodness sake stop obsessing over it." Words to live and die by.
22
I've never liked the way I've looked, have always been critical, never wanted my picture taken. But then I would see photos of myself ten years younger and think, "Wow, I looked pretty good!". I've done this every decade and I'm now 67 and, of course, am horrified to look in the mirror. But I bet ten years from now when I'm approaching my 80's, I'll think I looked pretty darn good at 67! When I had this realization I wondered why I could never just accept my looks as being 'pretty good' without waiting ten years!
I had a mother who liked to 'dress' me when I was a young adult. I was an actor who went to a lot of after parties in and she would 'costume' me. She'd find really cool vintage dresses, just right for my tiny (at that time!) waist, etc. One day I was trying such clothes on and looking in the mirror, feeling attractive in something wonderful and she said, out of the blue, "What are you going to do when you are no longer cute?" I felt like a bomb had dropped on me and I had smashed into a zillion pieces. At 67 I know I've never put those pieces back together again completely.
I think that's why I don't like to look in the mirror.
21
A psychologist lecturer once explained to me that we freeze our self image at mid thirties. We are mid thirties in our dreams. This is certainly my experience. I am 73 but think of myself as 37. When I look in the mirror I see my hair as dark brown though it is actually white. Most shocking, and the psychologist said this is normal, is when looking at photographs of myself I wonder "Who is the old guy with the white hair." This is not the person I see in the mirror. I plan to be 37 for ever.
23
So you looked in the mirror and were "shocked" at how much you had aged. Big deal! Boomers did not discover aging. This is old news.
7
Really interesting both article and comments. The image in the mirror plays a huge role for so many. Paint your bathroom a pale pink, put the lights on each side of the mirror a little above eye level. You will look 20 years younger and start the day in a good mood. There is always something new in the world so best to approach life feeling a little positive about yourself.
13
To those that say "nothing good comes of aging" I respectfully disagree. It gives one a perspective of life itself. Slowly you become more aware of mortality and more and more you let go of the mundane. You appreciate the great gift you have been given. You know that old saying "youth 8s wasted on the young". There's a lot of truth to that.
20
I can't stand these comments. Every sounds so well-adjusted. It's hard to believe. At least, it's foreign to me. I turn 50, this year. My response is to work out 16 hours a week, stop consuming alcohol, and eat very clean. My response has been to become fanatical about my body rather than to accept its decline. In Utah, I met an 89 year old skier. That's my plan.
7
Well, take heart that you haven't experienced the disorienting horror of not just seeing an old(er) woman in the mirror, but seeing one that's eerily familiar: Your dead mother. That's what happens to me these days. And when I was a teenager and my mother was the age I am now, I remember her talking about the same shock happening to her.
7
Tomorrow and every day thereafter, we will grow older. We will not look or feel as good as we do today. Stand tall, strut your stuff and carpe diem!
10
The only useful purpose I can see to FaceApp is plastic surgeons using it to convince people to have expensive cosmetic surgery. Otherwise,wanting to see what you're going to look like when you're old is like wanting to find out when you're likely to die and from what. Not interested.
4
Pfft. Watch some old shows. See how everyone is old and grey. Watch new shows. No one is old and grey. Used to be that the elderly got all the respect. Now they get none.
It's simply because the corporate overlords realized that the power of the purse gets younger and younger. Old people need nothing because they either already have it or don't care for it. So now old people are forgotten by all but pharma and the medical field to leach onto and bleed till death. If it were not for the financial power of the elderly...we'd have soylent green factories.
9
Physically I’m 77 I’ve done a lot of aging.
Mentally I’m still 17. I haven grown emotionally at all.
5
Looking in the mirror was a good thing for me in my 60's. How else would I have known to seek a dermatologist, and get treatment for skin cancer.
5
I have a "mirror moment" every time I accidentally hit the "selfie" button on my phone when taking a photo. The lens is then turned on ME, and I say to myself, "Is that what I look like?!" I don't know why I'm surprised that it's the not 30- or 40-year old me that's looking back at me!
10
A more primal(primate?) take on this self-reflection on aging is that as competitors and predators individuals are constantly sizing up the field. Who has more? Who is dangerous? Who to associate with and who to avoid? Comparing oneself to oneself and finding oneself lacking would appear to have no evolutionary advantage unless one takes to heart the apocryphal legend of the northern First People’s tradition of, voluntarily or not, abandoning the infirm with the makings of their last fire. I absorbed this notion from a story by Jack London, if memory serves, the second thing to go, titled “Bundle of Sticks”. Google informs me its title is “The Law of Life”, how fitting.
3
Well. All at once is a shock. Still, even a bit at a time puts one off. Then, think of all you'll derive at one hundred and five. Just do not fall into the trap of cosmetic surgery. That really makes aging seem like a lark. Your skin pulled so taut you have no expression except one of surprise and vacuity. Your smile with lines from its corners traveling onwards to your ear lobes. Your eyes becoming as slitted as a snake. While your forehead remains smooth. And what do you do to your hands? They are aging post-its. Oh. Please. You cannot outrun your aging body. Do not try. Remain active, keep thinking, and consider that you may be a charming curmudgeon. And accidentally trip up a humanhole you have never liked with your cane.
1
@laurel mancini: I've often wondered about how many people who have obviously had plastic surgery when they are older have a difficult time forming their words. Joe Biden and Mika Brzynski (sp! sorry Mika) come to mind. I've been watching Morning Joe for a long time and somewhere about two years ago Mika could not read the 'blurbs' any more. She still has trouble forming the words. Joe Biden, when he came back on the scene, seems to me that he slurs his words because his mouth doesn't move correctly. The only thing I can chalk this up to is plastic surgery. Joe's taut skin just looks.....so fake.
I agree. No plastic surgery.
5
"I sit quietly in lotus position,
Meditating, meditating for nothing.
Suddenly a voice comes to me:
'To stay young,
To save the world,
Break the mirror.'"
-Nano Sakaki
4
Having reached the point in life where my mirror gives me the true image of how I look as an old woman, I would probably wear out the app that could return my visage to thirty or forty years ago. There! That’s much better!!
2
If I may descend for a moment from the philosophical, psychological, and heartfelt level of most of the comments here:
Yesterday, my girlfriend showed me an image of myself from FaceApp, but one going backwards, from a picture of what I look like today (accurate) in my 70s, to what I supposedly looked like as a 20 something year old. I did not recognize the person because it did not look at all like me as I was back then.
The further you go in years- backwards or forwards- the less accurate the image will be. Life, and looks, are not so predictable. So take heart- you will probably not look like that. But (spoiler alert): you could look worse.
10
Wonderful article, especially poignant because I lost two physically fit, handsome older brothers to dementia. As family gathered for my brother Joe’s birthday in 2012, I admired a photo on his hall wall of me in his lap as a four-year-old, and he said, “That’s my sister Christa,” not realizing I was she. I couldn’t imagine the void/detachment this husband, father, lifelong educator, swim instructor, farmer (I could go on and on) was experiencing.
I am 72, and as I look at photos of myself even only 10 years ago, I marvel at the beautiful inside and out woman I was. The best thing about aging for me is I have finally achieved a sense of self-worth in spite of the fact my face is now lined and age spots are appearing everywhere. I am proud of my children and grandchildren and everything I have accomplished, though no single accomplishment was particularly noteworthy. I feel blessed to be alive and well in spite of my aching back. And I pray I will be able to face, as we all must, an uncertain future with grace and dignity rather than the void my brothers experienced in their last years.
14
Young people hang mirrors. Old people hang art. I forgot where I picked that up but it has a New York connotation.
Grace? Acceptance? Wisdom? Sometimes.
But, get real. Getting old, like leftovers in the fridge, will eventually stink.
I don’t need an app, I still have a mirror or two.
7
I have an experience similar to the author's "mirror moment" when I'm prepping to take a photo with my phone and I accidentally press the selfie icon. Then the lens is on ME, and every time it happens I think, "Is that what I look like?" Always surprised that my 30- or 40-year old self is not looking back at me!
I'm going to live my life today as if it's my last. Thank you for the reminder.
7
Maybe aging by FaceApp is a "savage shock", Ms. Gerrard, but real aging in life is the last stage of our living Oscar Wilde's 1890 "picture of Dorian Gray". The only shock we old folks feel, when Mother Nature and Father Time have had their ways with us, is the surprise of realizing life on earth will go on but without us.
The young --as they laugh about today's social media FaceApps -- don't have any idea of what aging is all about! Only when you look at yourself smiling in your old age in your mirror, do you know that we've all got one foot on a banana peel, and the other in the world beyond our imagination.
9
...'a finite life is precious', hence we shouldn't wait for tomorrow to think and see and hear and do what one can feel today. there is no tomorrow, really; just today. Do you remember Guy Lombardo's phrase "enjoy yourself, it's later than you think"?
5
When I was a kid, and even stupider that I am now, and doing acid a grand total of six or seven times, there was a point at which I’d wonder if I was getting off, run into the bathroom, look in the mirror and think: “Wow! That’s how I’ll look when I’m sixty!”
I was correct. Twice. I was getting off, and that is in fact how I look now.
Let me recommend a couple of Yeats’ poems on the topic.
What savage shock? I thought it was hilarious (and so did my wife).
1
Your article reminded me of something from my past.
As a fellow, one day after ICU rounds, I off-handedly said to my Program director (my Professor), you know sometimes I feel like my life is passing me by?
He chuckled, he was in his mid fifties, I was late twenties, his eyes were amused. He said, and then what?
I said, that's the worst part... because it turns around and then looks at me?
Now, he got serious, and asked, so what do you do?
I said, blow its face off with a Winchester, what else?
He became silent and his eyes were quiet.
.... After a while he said, it comes to us all, child. To us all.
As a physician, I see effects of aging all day long. My first exposure to dementia was my father's adopted mother, and as a 6yo I remember my father's anguish when she didn't recognize him, and kept asking my (adopted) grandfather, K why can't I recognize him... I feel love when I look at him, but who he is?
I've a habit of asking my patients to being me a picture of them when they were young, some bring me from teenage, majority bring me pictures from age 23-35yo range. (I have a wall at home of of all these pictures).
They say, see how I've aged... can't even recognize me, can you doc?
I ask them what age do you think you are on the inside?
Men, believe or not, majority don't even pause and say, 29!
Women are variable.
I tell them, then this is how I will see you as well.
The smiles I get, tell me, no one has said this before.
It comes to us all.
7
Nicci Gerrard is the ideal consumer of FaceApp, oblivious to the privacy and security issues it represents! See the concurrent article by Tiffany Li in The Atlantic.
2
Perhaps worse than the facial appearance predictions are those sites that predict your lifespan. I did that recently and found that I should have died several years ago.
9
Our culture hardly values poetry at all, and yet it is what remains after so much else is lost. (Also, I have zero interest in that app: Too vain to “face” it!)
1
You write beautifully. Thanks
5
While we're at it here, how about addressing the real marginalization and stereotyping of the old (I'm 79) in this increasingly youth-driven culture? Call me Old School, but if we old people organized, we might have some real power to change Ageism. I believe it is as thoroughly as malignant and metastatic as racism, sexism and homophobia - but, very likely, less dangerous than classism. Here's a step. The next time someone tells you don't look your age, challenge them and tell them that their words are an ageist insult. http://www.newclearvision.com/2011/12/16/old-who-me/
3
Oh, grow up, people. Have you never seen an old person and though, “That will be me one day.” That day comes sooner than expected and we’re too vain to contemplate it. My white hair and deep facial lines are hard-earned.
3
so he is the one with dementia and she is to caregiver oh my brother cared for our mother until she died. so it's not just he who needs care and she who gives it
1
I will be 90 before the year is out. I happen to be a person that honors his commitments.
Here's how I use it in old age to continue living into the future. I make commitments as much as 5 years out. For example I continue to buy Bordeauxs knowing
that I have to hold them at least 8 years to be really drinkable. So my 2016's and 2017's
(drinkable in 2024 and 2025) I will have to live to be 95 and 96. My neighbors two kids are 7 and 5 and I plan (there's God again laughing) to live another 11 years to see them
graduate from high school. I will be 100. I am committed to flying to New York when I am 92 to have lunch with
Lewis Lapham and bring along 25 others who subscribe to his Quarterly and he is picking up the luncheon tab.
So make commitments, and you won't think about your age but about your commitment.
You have to keep a sense of humor. When I meet old people and we're talking age, I tell them there are at least 2 advantages. Young women hold the door for you. Also people treat you with a little more kindness even though they may think you are old and forgetful and do not know much. You will also want to stick around long enourgh to see what happens to the country after this president leaves office.
To stave off dimentia at least for a little while, work the Sudoku, Cryptoquip and Word/Crossword Puzzles daily. Plus find 15/20 young millennials and interact and mentor them and you will keep your edge into really old age and they will appreciate it.
10
One of the best things about growing old is you no longer have the childish need for affirmation from strangers. Didn’t have a whiz bang career? Who cares! Your kids aren’t all Ph D’s? Don’t worry ‘bout it! Drive an old Buick instead of a new Mercedes? (Even if you could afford a Rolls?) It’s paid for!
No longer out to impress - so liberating!
10
FaceApp is just age tourism. Looking at a projection of your face in 30 years tells you nothing important about aging.
4
Aren’t we being told this app comes from Russia and is likely storing data?
4
As one ages, there is a surprising, even startling disconnect between that “not so old” face that stares back in the bathroom as one wields a toothbrush versus examining contemporaneous photos taken of that same mirrored self. Who is that old guy standing next to cousin Joe? A picture never lies.
2
Shocking is putting it mildly. Stunned. Heart broken. Bewildered. This would be the golden opportunity for someone to come up with a reversing technique short of surgery. Find one. Hurry up. I am scared to "death"?!
1
Face App is simply trickery to get you pictures. We all fear aging and our eventual demise, so of course you are curious and click onto it. It is amusing that the trickery has gone so far as to spur a real discussion on ageing in the Opinion section of the NYT. The real story is how the net is used to play on our emotions and then stupidly give our soul away to criminals.
3
That was a beautiful read for me this morning. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to "the last ocean". I lost my mother in Oct to Alz....sucks....
1
In 21 days I'll be 97 and I'm very, very glad to be alive. I'm not a bit interested in the alternative. I hope to make it to my 100th birthday - and if I do - I'll just keep going for a few more years. I've got a wonderful family - 2 sons in their 70s and 2 daughters-in-law, 5 grandsons and 3 granddaughters-in-law, and 7 great-grandchildren ranging in age from 4 years to 15. I've made loads of mistakes in my life. But I wouldn't change anything because I wouldn't be who I am and I wouldn't have my wonderful family if I hadn't lived exactly the life I've lived - mistakes included. Life's a gift to be treasured for as long as it lasts. Wrinkles don't matter. It's being alive that matters - and being who we are.
16
This is a beautiful essay, full of realism.
1
It would be ungrateful to write about all the indignities and discomforts of our deterioration as old people and not mention the rewards of aging.
The biggest one for me is the extraordinary richness of my internal life. You can call it my mind, my spirit, or even my soul; but whatever it is, I view it as a reward for having made it this far. I get great enjoyment every day from observing the world around me, and thinking my thoughts. Beauty calls to me from everywhere.
23
A quick google search on the word "dementia" turned up this result:
"Although dementia mainly affects older people, it is not a normal part of ageing."
Does life send you physical and mental challenges. Yep? At. Any. Age. Please stop associating older people as a class with mental illness and infirmity. It creates a culture that is biased towards older people. You can write about dementia in elders, sure. Just don't write as though it's a natural part of aging or that it only happens to older people.
What I fear most about aging is having to be part of the demographic that seems to constantly whine about aging. Having not been seduced by the incessant cultural messages that my worth lies in looking young, I have zero issues about how my body is changing as I age, particularly with respect to how I look to others. (Do you ever notice that these authors writing about the "horrors" of aging tend to be women?) I love and am proud of my older self, just as I loved and was proud of my younger self. They are different and I celebrate that difference.
6
Nice article. My mother suffered Alzheimer’s for 7 years before she passed and will only say I cry thinking back upon the images of each stage of progression. It was devastating for her and us. A single day never goes by when I wish I had been able to provide better care for her if there had been more financial resources. No need to physically push us into old age via photos as the time will come soon enough for all of us. Live in the here and now and be kind to others. Live is short.
3
I'm 70. Maybe over the past few years for a few months I felt withered and worried, drained and dry. When I saw my reflection in the mirrior the person reflected back at me seemed older than my grandmother had when we passed away at 97. My eyes seemed skimmed with milk, I looked hopeless.
I realized I had lost my way. That would not do.
I carried around a sticky pad and pen, went through our home with what made me unhappy. A lot of stuff went to people who were happier to have it. I began giving myself a facial every 3 days because I had the stuff and that made me happy. I returned, slowly, to whom I was when I was a small child, enrolled in science, botany , ceramic classes, took up Chinese Calligraphy, and swimming.
I haven't been able to do any of that stuff for the past 8 days because 8 days ago I had a Reversed Total Shoulder Replacement. With a bit of hesitation I approached the mirror this am. I don't look 70. I do look younger than my husband 15 years younger than me. My eyes are clear. I have a bit of a turkey neck but my hair is a lovely and healthy shade of salt and pepper.
I think I succeeded. I like who I am and at this age I am fully in control of who I will be ever minute.
I have 14 books to read, 2 sweaters to knit, 2 dogs to walk, and ever day is another day to love the man who unabashedly loves me.
Find your self, if you are lost.
257
@Susannah Allanic You believe you stand a chance against time, think again! Every billion in the world won’t take you a single second after the expiration date you were given at birth.
9
I love this post. Thank you.
24
@Susannah Allanic
Thank you for that...I'll try.
18
One of my great-grandmothers died at 47, of a congenital heart defect that was untreatable in her time. Although my grandmother was already married at the time of her mother's death, she and my grandfather did not yet have children, and her younger sisters were not married. My great-grandmother didn't live long enough to go through menopause, let alone grow old. She didn't live to see her younger daughters get married and she didn't live long enough to become a grandmother. That poor woman has now been dead far longer than she was ever alive.
A college acquaintance died at 24, of injuries sustained in a car accident. Another classmate died at 28, of cancer. He lived for only a year after his diagnosis. A high school classmate, ill with cancer while we were still in school, died the year after she graduated. A car accident took someone else at 27.
Then there were the countless young men and women killed serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, young people with dreams and plans that never became reality. Then there are all the people killed by gun violence, abuse, and general craziness. There are so many people who will never get to grow old thanks to accidents, illnesses, and violence. Time is such a precious commodity. If it is gifted to us, we should not waste it on nonsense like FaceApp.
210
Amen Lindsay!
13
i'm sorry for the experiences some of you are having.
I know what it's like to care for someone with dementia. I took care of my Mom, at home. She passed at 91.
So now at 68, I'm comfortably retired. I've always been above the doctor determined ideal weight. I still go out and walk, climb ladders, move furniture. I never smoked, drank or did drugs so maybe that's why I also don't have any age related health problems, unlike my friends that are at their ideal weight but suffering from chronic illness. But I've known others that died much too early but even in suffering had a beautiful spirit and acceptance of their situation. That's what I remind myself if I start to veer off course.
I don't have a problem with my age, I tell people without being asked. I'm happy with who I am, how I look. I'm not trying to be younger, slimmer, or reduce wrinkles. I'm at peace with being me, as I am now. I have hobbies and interests I love. Next week I'm going to Seattle, Chicago and Detroit. By myself. I'm thrilled I lived long enough to enjoy the pensions and social security I earned.
We're all going to get older. You can't stop it. You can either live the time you have, embrace it, or spend what you have left being unhappy, regretting and wishing. And you're still going to get older so what's the point.
152
@Ann
Travelling by myself is one of my greatest life joys.
Bon voyage and keep sharing your beautiful perspective!
45
@Left Coast
I love solo travel too! Hope I can keep doing it as long as Ann.
16
Thanks for sharing this important article. I was a member of the “Older Women’s League” when I was a 23 year old adjunct instructor teaching “Fitness through Dance” at a community college. It was important to me to show respect and care for older adults. I became a “Senior Group Fitness Leader” in 1992, and loved leading older adults to vibrancy, connection, and flourishing health through social/rhythmic activity. My oldest student started with me at age 89 and trained until age 101. I’ve learned so much and in awe of the beautiful people, primarily women, in my group dance/fitness programs. Though we will change physically as we age, there is potential to create autonomy, empowerment and beautiful vibrant connection in meaningfully moving with others.
100
Several years ago before FaceApp, I played with the app Oldify, which did the same thing - made my late 40s face look much older. The vision of my future self had a surprising effect. Rather than being horrified by the inevitable aging, it gave me a dramatically new perspective on the here and now. In comparison, I instantly saw the youthfulness in my actual face, rather than its aging. And I realized that no matter how old I get, there's always vigor there, until I die. So, like some commenters have said, its better to replace concern over aging with gratitude for being alive.
129
Exactly!
10
Well said for the most part and thank you for articulating so much so accurately. However, just because you have a husband does not mean that everyone else who is aging has a spouse. It is not a universal norm, especially as one is older...and older.
Too often, I have been told, those in long marraiges automatically seem to think that everyone else's life is just like theirs. Not everyone has someone to be there, and do the dirty work.
109
Aging beats the alternative. Whenever I bemoan my aging body, I immediately remind myself aging is a gift. People I’ve loved have died too young.
257
@Anne Exactly! We all need to realize and embrace that philosophy.
12
Aging is not a savage shock.It happens ever so gradually and you get used to it as do those around you.When I was young I had an “I Hope” list.I hoped to live to see my children become adults, I hoped to have grandchildren and in my most hopeful moments I wished to see them grow up.All that I hoped for has happened but it required me to age.Being Old is inconvenient but it has its perks-I never have to open doors and some young person always volunteers to return my grocery cart! We taught our children to grow up-now we have the privilege of showing them how to age with grace and good humor.
137
Wonderful article. The many suggestions for a happy "old age," are well worth the effort; social engagement, continual learning through classes, exercising as you are able, healthy eating. etc.
Perhaps my philosophy on how my outer person has changed over these last 85 years is not for everyone. Instead of lamenting my wrinkled face I sometimes gaze upon it with fascination. It reflects my trials, tribulations, my joys, happiness, and wonder. And, as the heat of summer is upon us, yes, I will wear a sleeveless top because it is hot; never mind the arms that look like I could fly if I wanted, ha, ha.
Life is a series of constant change; nothing stays the same. Adjustments to the passing of my beloved husband of 64 years has not been easy; another shift in the road of life
218
@Diane I am sorry for your loss Diane, thank you for sharing this.
12
@Hunter
Thank you. How very kind.
11
@Diane Hey, Diane! I just turned 59. This was hard for me...I have had rheumatoid arthritis since childhood, and I refuse to partake in the treatments for this nasty disease that eventually become nastier than the R.A..Without going into other difficult aspects of my life, your message is enlightening to me; I have been reminding myself to 'get out there' and get involved with others and the world as I once did. I am rather introverted, but this is no reason to convince myself that I don't deserve to learn and teach what ive learned over the years. And, maybe those 'flags' really are wings that enable us to fly.
13
Growing older (I'm 89), I've always enjoyed my friendships with all ages. I particularly enjoyed the friendships with people in their 80's - they loved sharing their many experiences and I loved hearing about them. They also confessed that along the way, "younger friends" left them and moved on with their own lives.
I often wondered WHY? Guess What! Now in my late 80's I think I know WHY. They are fearful that they may be caught up in somehow becoming too responsible for these 'elder berries'. When I become a bit of a burden to anyone, (with no family) my future plans are to have either have a full-time home caretaker or I will go into and pay for 'facility' care. Until then - I'm in my own home with all help for which I have a need, taking care of my personal self and keeping up with my financial affairs. BUT I have told friends: "If you should find me dead - on a floor or in my bed - just know I DIED HAPPY.
306
@betty sher Be careful of "assisted living". No regulations, staff requirements per client, no requirement of medical staff. We've had bad luck, tho our loved one has dementia.
10
I make no demands of my under 40 friends, but once they start families, their toddlers and infants and THEIR needs rightfully become the center of their universe. Don't take it personally.
13
@betty sher
I agree with you, Betty!
I know I will die happy too....
7
Just look at your parents. If you don’t resemble them look for adoption papers.
Last year my husband, his black-haired (octogenarian) mother and I crossed border from Canada to US. I was in the back seat with luggage, dog and knitting. I'd sworn off the hair dye and embraced the gray after deciding US Prez looks ghastly. Three passports handed to agent and he shuffled them up, peaked into the car and said to me, and who are you? Thinking that my husband and mother-in-law were the married couple. My mother-in-law was thrilled (for days); my husband was freaked; never have I seen a US border agent trying to suppress a giggle.
2
Geez. Why worry so much. It’s all going to end. So just approach each day like you are 12!
6
Why do paunchy old men get a pass on aging? It is always women writing these articles. Men, should be equally shamed.
2
You don't need to feel bad about the young man offering you his seat on the train! You need to feel good about it - he has what used to be regarded as good manners.
Worry when you hear women swearing, drinking out of pint glasses, pretending to have wide shoulders by wearing shoulder-pads etc.
1
“Dementia does not rob someone of their dignity, it’s our reaction to them that does. “ — Teepa Snow
5
Ah, the ravages of time. The one places where class - and color - don’t matter. End it hit some of us much earlier than others of us.
My advice? Next time around, come back as a Black person. People are still thinking I’m in my 50s and I passed those 20 years ago! You know what they say: Black don’t crack!
9
If the face app's age progression doesn't impact you in a positive way, just turn the progression knob to high, where you'll see yourself as a mound of dust. You ARE going to die. So before that happens, what will you do with your time?
3
"And when hoary hairs shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs they shall still in MY bosom be borne."
Don't forget God, Ms. Gerrard. Don't forget God.
My Mom died around ten years ago. Her mind was gone. She lived in a senior citizens' facility--where she was lovingly, patiently cared for. But there she would sit. Day by day. In a kind of living room where other older people played games. Or watched TV. Or--
--just sat there. Like my Mom. Mind vacant. Heart--well, I can't speak of the heart. I'm not there yet. Maybe I will be. I turn seventy in a few weeks.
We gathered around Mom's bedside that last day. We spoke to her (and whether she heard us or not the Lord knows). We prayed for her. Eventually--in an utterly indefinable way--the complexion of her face changed. It became--how to say this?--waxy. Inorganic.
A nurse was called in. She bent over my Mom. Then--very gently--she pulled away the oxygen mask. That told us--everything.
And here, Ms. Gerrard, you were talking about aging. Not dying. But that's how it ends up, doesn't it. Omnes eodem cogimur said Horace--"We're all driven to the same place."
And I hear you! I've avoided mirrors for years now. Stepping out of the shower--
--I stand clear of all that pitiless glass over the sink.
"My times are in Thy hands," says an old hymn. So they are.
Ageing--senile--incontinent--
--I am STILL in the hands of the One Who made me.
Who redeemed me.
Who loves me.
2
As has been said, in various forms by various people, "What a shame it is to waste youth of the young."
Or, as the tee shirt I gave my Dad for his 90th b-day says, "Getting Old Is NOT For Wusses." I had to get him three more. He died at 98...
The irreverence of aging is brutal as the organic systems break down and vestiges of robustness morph into feebleness. Fighting it seems worthwhile even though it is a small finger in a hole gushing time. Remembering past thoughts that being 70 years old was unfathomable yet comically 80 is next. Jokesters notwithstanding, getting old is not so bad if you hit your marks in life and career including slaying the many wolfs (at the door). I hope the current crop of youngsters can overcome debt and political stupidity (with or without FaceApp) as your future "appearance" will be tempered by wisdom.
1
What I want is a FaceAp that takes my 81 year old face backwards 50 years to see what I could have looked like if I tried!
1
The face app is another prepackaged dumb idea. Your elderly face is the reflection of your life. My friends who are happily married with excellent financial stability and stressless lives look great compared to the friends who suffered through tragedy, addictions, diseases or horrific stress. Our faces are our individual stories.
As for mine and my checkered past, sometimes when I look in the mirror I wonder "Who stole my face?"
45
I have no intention of allowing dementia (alzheimer's, etc.) to own my final years. I have no desire to burden my children with the responsibility of sustaining me, as a shell of my former self.
Own your death like you lived your life.
11
Knowing that every day on earth we get a bit more wrinkly and saggy and are another day closer to the grave must come as a shock to a generation that worships fleeting things like looks with their endless, self absorbed selfies. Oh, and another thing, other people don't care about your looks anywhere near as much as you do.
8
“In the mirror is someone we’d never thought we’d become”. Well, maybe that’s the problem. The statement itself has an internal ageism; namely, the author (editor’s?) implicit bias that aging, wrinkles, grey hair is bad. When’s the last time you saw a 75 year old mannequin? The problem isn’t wrinkles, it’s our own viewpoint.
5
An App is not needed when I look into the mirror. There are lines and wrinkles and sun damage, but the lines are deep laugh lines, the wrinkles on my lips are from kissing lovers, babies, dogs, horses..the sun damage is from many happy years on boats, walking beaches, hiking, biking....in short I like what I see, it maps a long life well lived. I do not want my face erased as seems to be trend now with botox and far too much plastic surgery. That raises the Q of why IS it the current sign of beauty for women to erase themselves and their lives from their faces? It strikes me this app is an ongoing ad for more botox and more surgery and less real women.
2
Russia for the winner, with this app.
Amazing futuristic reality application, if you ask me.
2
Will FaceApp cross the ‘final frontier’ and offer us a photo of our death mask?
3
Perfect example of hysteria in modern society.
6
Will FaceApp cross the ‘final frontier’ and offer us deathmask photos?
1
This app is offensive. It's little more than a way for young people to flirt with what is perceived and presented as the ghoulishness of growing old. The app might as well be called: HorrorApp, "See what you would look like if you were ugly and disgusting, like old people. Cringe at your wrinkled skin! Turn away from your yellow eyes and teeth! Flee from your sheer unattractiveness. Then breathe a sigh of relief that it's not you. Yet!!!"
To reduce being elderly to facial features for fun is an insult to those who live it. Would this be as acceptable if it were an app to see what your face would look like if you were a different race? Would people laugh off a white man seeing himself as Black or Asian? How about an app for massive weight gain? Would that be a laugh?
"Old People" is not a Type to step into for a giggle.
Moreover, being old is not about loss of hair, crows feet, sagging skin or jowls, just as an ethnicity is not about certain perceived stereotypical features perpetuated by those of a different group. This is reductive, insulting and massively silly.
I'm not saying there may not be decent uses for the App, but using it as some dippy Twitter of Facebook lark is contemptuous.
8
I hate it when I look into my car’s rear view mirror and see those long icky facial hairs I missed and didn’t pluck. Oh how that reminds me of all the old ladies who probably missed their long facial hairs, too. Now I’m really one of them? Oh, no. A real telltale.
7
"Old age is a massacre." Philip Roth
4
When ticking off things to do to prevent dementia, don't forget "get adequate sleep" (https://www.ted.com/talks/matt_walker_sleep_is_your_superpower)
1
Social media is bad for you and the apps on them are exploiting you. Resist.
4
Smart devices have made us stupid and ignorant.
Social media has replaced our shared human vales with the belief systems of warring tribes.
3
“I intend to live forever, or die trying.” — Groucho Marx
6
Thank you Nicci Gerrard, for your essay. My 68th birthday is around the corner and I am a caregiver to my husband. I met him in 1973, when I was 21 and he was 29.We were spontaneous, we walked fast, we made money and spent it and we had fun. Now, we are slow and going anywhere takes planning , preparation, and a lot of patience on my part. I can no longer deal with even going to a movie. Now we spend as little money as possible, I don't buy new clothes, I get my books from the library. You may want to see what you'll look like as an old person, but a lot of baggage comes with it. You will have pain just walking. You will move from a 2-story home into a home all on one floor. My greatest fear is of falling. When you are old your friends die. You may want to see what you will look like when you're old so you can have a laugh, but you don't want to be one of us.
1
Stop looking in the mirror so much. Look at the world instead.
8
Forwarding this to my son and daughter. I think they think when I lament the loss of my youthful physical self that I'm complaining. I'm not complaining. I just feel the need to put it out there and, I guess, remind them that they didn't know me when I was twenty-four with my lovely breasts that stood up of their own accord, and my smooth brown hair, and my turquoise bracelets (which I still wear, but are probably an embarrassment to them now, more than anything, with there jangling and their tarnish).
It's hurtful to have something and then lose it. It's just a fact. Look at Joni Mitchell. She was so physically lovely. She's still awesome; but like she said, "Don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you got 'til it's gone."
I can't even talk about the dissolving/disappearing/suffering husband business. Let's just say one of the last things he said to me - when he could still say things - was, "What if you get sick? Who will care for you?"
It's almost inexplicable to me how most of us keep on keeping on. I mean I guess because we have to? Life is harsh, man. If you think about it too much your head will explode. Yeah, there's happy stuff; but the sad stuff, I find, can easily outweigh the good stuff on any given day. We read the New York Times, for god's sake. Talk about the heart of darkness.
Anyway, I thought the article was great. My position on the FaceApp thing is, 'Get back to me when it can make me look younger." I'm living the old age app.
6
Thanks for your words on aging, Nicci Gerrard. We're all aging and have got one foot on the proverbial banana peel and the other in the beyond. All of us on Earth are still rowing our boat merrily (or not so merrily) down the stream. Reading and reciting old Mother Goose rhymes and eating comfort food as we shuffle off the stage of being "up and about".
If you're one of the millions of FaceApp challengers, you're laughing that the goblins of old age will catch you before you can imagine it. None of us can comfortably envision our future, aging and death. The world without us.
Make-up and anti-aging cremes and hair dyes have been around since Cleopatra was a kitten. Spending money on nostrums to delete or "fix" old age is like smoking. Spending your moolah on ashes. Wrinkles are just part of the end of life deal.
Cosmetic surgery and slimming undergarments just mark mutton dressed as lamb. Only when beautiful young people reach their grandparents' ages will they know that Father Time and Mother Nature have their way with our bodies. minds and faces.
Even Planet Earth gets old,-- as we're reminded every day by climate warming and beat Alzheimer's commercials. Artificial Intelligence's FaceApp is such a big con. So is our president. And so it goes.
2
nice article....but you should have had some fotos.... just sayin
1
In truth, the age who feel in your brain is not always the age you see in the mirror.
3
well done
Some thoughts- the 60’s and 70’s are for most retirees, a middle age with few restrictions. We are living longer and healthier. Then the 80’s and 90’s are when many of us will face limitations so plan accordingly. Where are your health resources, hopefully nearby. Where are your caretakers, because your children may not be able or want to do this. What is your financial and retirement plan, because many did not plan to live 30 plus years in retirement. You need to think about these three areas way before your 60’s. Wrinkles are not the first issue, and in fact the need to spend your money in plastic surgery is a waste and never looks good really. Be practical, plan, and be happy and play while you can and enjoy the little things in life.
8
Always shocked when the cashier, without being prompted, automatically gives me, in my ponytail, the senior discount.
6
@Prunella
Maybe you should change your name (if that's really your name) to Plumella.
3
I've often said I hate growing old, but it beats the alternative.
The truth is, though, growing old is hard--it's hard to deal with physical limitations that you didn't really notice happening until they happened with a vengeance; the health issues that seemingly come out of nowhere; the stress of continuing to do a difficult job while I wait to retire, while those already retired tell me not to rush the years (and knowing also I have no right to complain, because retirement is a luxury many will never have).
And as the author correctly noted, aging for me has come with caregiving responsibilities, as I now help my dad care for my mom with dementia (while at the same time privately worrying about his health and well-being, as he works at his new role in the family nearing 80 years old himself).
Those who are able to maintain their physical and mental health as they grow old, and live full (if different) lives into old age, are very, very fortunate.
9
Working with cancer patients, I can confidently say that while growing old is often not fun, it beats the alternative.
6
I'm 86 yrs old. I look every day in the bathroom mirror and say good morning to the face of my grandmother that I am wearing.
Getting old and being old is a gift when you think of all those you loved and knew who did not live long enough to see their grandmother's face in the bathroom mirror.
I just went to my 18 yr old great-grandson's high school graduation. Life at 86 is absolutely wonderful.
28
One day I complained to my then 24 yo son about how getting old is hard in so many ways. He, who had been recently diagnosed with an almost always fatal brain tumor, responded, "At least you have that option." Wise words indeed.
24
My teenage daughter once told me,"Dad, you're so oooooold!"
I responded, "Yes, and I'm what you're aspiring to become."
That was many years ago, and she's a wonderful adult.
As for me and my ever advancing years, I tell people, "I'm a success story."
Here's to success.
14
My Dad, who died 2 weeks after his 85th birthday while walking to the food store, said that he didn’t mind getting older, but he did mind getting old.
11
Forwarding this to my son and daughter.
I think they think when I speak about such things I'm 'complaining.'
I'm not complaining. It may be no more than a translation error.
8
I am 70. My father, who lived to be 83, always said getting older was hard work. Now I understand what he meant, but darn it, I want to live to be 90!
9
Growing old even in relatively good health is time consuming. Endless time spent visiting doctors, getting medical tests done, having physiotherapy, all just to stay afloat. And this is before calculating in the time needed at the hairdressers, the gym, or having gnarly old yellowing nails varnished, and botox fillers. Everything takes more time.
I miss the natural glowing good physique of my youth, and now ask others, younger, to enjoy theirs without all the unnecessary make up etc.
10
I did caregiving for my Dad’s end-of-life days in 2018. Now I am helping my 80 y.o. Mom through recovery from ailments. This piece hit me twice - the consoling, the care taking and the best of times reminiscing when the last days are nigh. And the difficult balancing act of role reversal when a parent has outlived his or her effectiveness in dealing with our complicated world. The complexity of society in terms of doctors, taxes, property management etc make it a serious job to keep a parent in good stead while they age comfortably and happily.
13
Aging is about navigating losses without restitution and finding freedom in decay. It is oddly liberating being within sight of the end. Trump doesn’t worry me, nor does climate change, nor nuclear war, or any other great calamity. My friends are dead or dispersed, lost to their own struggles; my work life nearly over, and my hostages to the future are able to fend for themselves.
But best of all, while still fully functional and very active, I am finally free of the tyranny of sexual need, and having to keep some woman happy in a Stockholm Syndrome marriage.
That last loss, of a putative life partner, was the hardest yet most liberating of all. So if you are reading this Fiona, please know that my life is so much richer without your manias, and that I metaphorically wait by the river to see your body float by.
12
It's a wonder to me that, as only women tend to experience with such painful acuity the visible effects of aging, gender is never addressed in this article. The author's chagrin has not just a personal, but a social, context. It's social pressure (and the accompanying jokes, images, and myths) that leads a woman to, as the author confesses, scrutinize herself with horror and purchase creams that she knows won't work.
3
You have a point about that, but it is just the first paragraph hook to the much more thought through and spoken substance of her essay. The body of the piece is salient and lightly touching.
No doubt someone has already done research on this, but as I age (and watch my parents enter their final years), I find myself thinking a great deal about mindset.
What I notice is some aging people focus on what they have lost/are unable to do ... a limiting frame. These limitations often cause them to do nothing or to avoid trying new things. Other people notice those same limitations, but focus on what they still CAN do. Examples: "Well my shoulders hurt, so I cannot lift weights today. Instead I'll do cardio or go for a long walk." Or, "my declining eyesight makes reading less pleasant, so I'll start listening to audiobooks."
The latter approach seems to be one more likely to sustain some form of satisfaction and meaning throughout life.
21
I don't really understand how old I am until I look in a mirror and see my mother. Then I resolve once again not to be my mother and I smile and get on with living my life.
24
I'm about to turn 70. I've never been on good terms with my body; from early childhood I had mysterious muscle pains. Later in philosophy class I learned that this makes me a "Cartesian dualist," something you're not supposed to be. But the reasons they give aren't the important one, namely, dualists don't get a lot of exercise. I'm lucky in that I don't, knock on wood, have any serious physical problems apart from, recently, shortness of breath. But I do take a lot of medicines for blood pressure, cholesterol, gout, and diabetes, the diseases of Cartesian dualists.
I do get along well with my mind, and so far it has rewarded me by doing its job well, apart from sometimes forgetting words. I've told everyone, including my doctor, that if that ever changes I want to die. Alas, the new laws don't recognize losing one's mind as a good enough reason. You have to be six months away from losing your body before your doctor can legally help you end it.
My muscle pains are around 2-4 on the ten-point scale. So I should count my blessings, and I do. But still, the pain never gets to zero. It's depressing. What keeps me going is that there are still things my mind wants to accomplish. All work, not relationships.
Can FaceApp make me look and feel younger? If so, the Russians can have my data. Embarassingly, I looked into a face lift! Not to look younger to other people, just for myself in the mirror. Alas, old people aren't good candidates for elective surgery.
6
@Brian Harvey. A minor point: philosophy doesn’t tell you you “shouldn’t be” a “Cartesian dualist.” That you apparently decided to be just that is fine, as far as philosophy is concerned. We’re all glad to have you with us, but sad you have to bear pain.
2
It is trully sad that humans cannot face the reality of our own mortality. Somehow we convince ourselves that the right exercise, diet, or medication will spare us from fact we will all get old and die. Vast resouces are spent in the vain attempt to retain the appearance of youth. Men of advanced years continue strive for ever greater wealth, denying that their greed will ultimately be for nothing. Nature did humanity a great injustice giving us the foreknowledge of our eventual death and decay.
8
Quite the opposite of what you say. We are Homo Sapiens by nature. That means we are a species which knows (sapient). When it is by Mother Nature or Divine Creation by definition we must know we will die otherwise there would be no humanity.
2
Now your father's poems live in you, Nicci Gerrard. So deep they are. More than memory, life in the mind.
8
This article/essay was fantastic. The comments were even better. I laughed and I cried. Thank you all. It puts things in perspective. We are on this earth for such a short time. Let's spread love and kindness. Forgo social media. Connect on a human level because humanity is all we have.
40
Today we celebrated my dad’s 95th birthday. His wife, my stepmom ( who was widowed like he was 3 decades ago) has had growing memory loss for the past decade. But she remains very loving, and sweeter every year.
Dad has to do all the cooking now. She cannot remember how to turn on the washing machine.
She will forget conversations we had 5 minutes ago. But she says clearly and regularly that he is the kindest and best of the two husbands she has had.
It was a good day for all of us. And they are great examples of how to age.
24
It's really rather superficial to be concerned with your appearance. Try to be healthy. That will make look and feel your best. It is better to feel good than look good.
18
This is a Great highlight on the abysmal burden that comes with aging. In a finite life, its hard to predict the extend of our life, which puts us in a curious mode of how we may look or feel like the older we get. Peoples engagement with FaceApp, currently, exemplifies the human curiosity into time.
1
I find the use of the pronoun "we" a little peculiar. I don't see aging as "decline." Dementia, of course, is something challenging. But I am enjoying being older and if that costs a few wrinkles (or more), I'll take it! Worrying about it will give you more wrinkles. So lighten up and enjoy life! Excuse me, but I have to go for a bike ride or a swim right now. It's good for my knees!
6
I did Botox for wrinkles and it worked as promised. I looked younger. But then on the 7th time, I got botulism. (Yes, that's a real thing - read the black box warning on the label - a warning that was added later due to lawsuits.) Feeling horribly sick was WAY worse than looking old. Never again. Wrinkles don't hurt. Wrinkles don't keep me in bed. Wrinkles don't make it hard to walk or talk.
17
As a humanist philosopher I lament that our species has not yet bonded in any long term way. As a writer I identify DNA stewardship, for ourselves and each other, as a way through death's portal.
I foresee the aged soon 'stepping down' to hasten a fresh life cycle - what Tu Weiming terms an 'authentic' Confucian philosophy.
The species senses and expects that pathway to open; and it has via trivial biotechnology, then practiced Humanism.
1
I really enjoyed reading this thoughtful essay! My wife and I are in our early 60’s and taking care of her 83 year old mother with dementia. So we’re experiencing getting old while taking care of the aged. It’s hard. And we’re wondering if we will lose our 60’s (when we still feel capable of doing a lot) to caregiving. It can seem unfair to lose years that your parent got to live because dementia was so much rarer years ago. But I don’t care what I look like. As Gerrard says, it’s all about our minds. Great of the Times to publish pieces like this.
24
@Boswell My mother, well into her 70s, still cared for her father who lived to be 97 and did not have dementia and lived independently. But she went every day to check on him, clean up a bit, cook for him and never complained. She saw it as her duty, albeit a loving one. Maybe women who have great maternal instincts are more accepting of their caregiver role throughout life.
4
I find it amusing that an 'aging' app went viral on the very weekend anyone over 55 or so, that is, anyone who remembers a younger self watching ARMSTONG ON MOON, feels very, very old.
12
@Regine I didn't feel old remembering my younger self watching Armstrong on the moon. Just seeing the black and white pictures of everyone watching it together reminded me of how old I am.
1
Years ago, I remember telling my daughter that no matter how old we get, everyone feels about 30-something inside. Back then, she was astonished by the idea. Now, nearing 40, she totally understands.
30
@Anne An interesting thought, "peak age." For me, male, it was my forties into my fifties. Peak power, income, sexual activities.
Women very much peak earlier, google "sexual market value." Hence your spot on observation.
At age 73, I'm still placing myself in those Golden Years!
@Jus’ Me, NYT - Maybe you need to get a load of some of the guys I’m being matched with on dating sites. Some of these men have definitely peaked and are on their way downhill. For the record, they’re in their 30s and 40s. If any of these winners think I lack “sexual market value” then well, the feeling is mutual. Besides, I don’t want to be assessed on my “market value”, as though I were some sort of brood sow. I’m a person. Anyone not interested in looking at me that way is not someone I want to know, no matter how old I may be.
6
My condolences about the loss of your father. Losing your parent(s) changes your world view in a way that is irrevocable, no matter your age. Losing your parent slowly, is a torture and a blessing for those small moments of connection you describe. Having a parent worthy of truly grieving is also a blessing. I am also at the point that the morning look in the mirror can still be a surprise. At the moment; I don’t “feel” my age. So the mirror is a surprise. C’est la Vie. Wishing you all the best with your book.
10
I would take all the wrinkles, the sagging, crepe-y skin, the brown spots, for a day with out pain and infirmity. The stiffness of getting out of bed, the chronic bad shoulder, the twinge-y back that threatens to "go out," the maddeningly poor eyesight.
Oh, it's not life-threatening, but it's life-degrading. I'm thankful for my mobility and overall health when I remember the friends and family with cancer and heart disease and dementia. But the sense of one's body crumbling and failing is disheartening.
26
@Elizabeth A - The mirror doesn't surprise me, either, but what did was the active job that kept me fit through my 30s and 40s has now started to break down my body, to the point that I can hardly walk anymore without pain And I still have 3 years until retirement!
I don't care about the saggy face or arms. I just wish I could run again.
15
I am 46. My hair is pure white, but I am the only person who knows that and, truth be told, I'm kind of looking forward to the day that I will show off my snowy locks.
I am 46. I am in the best shape of my life. do a short workout nearly every day. People tell me regularly, "Wow! You look great!"
I am 46. I eat healthful and delicious meals and have treats when I feel like it without any guilt.
I am 46. I know who I am - and who I am is a deeply flawed human being who does my best to rise above the worst parts of myself. And I am ok with that.
I am 46. I have friends with cancer and friends whose parents are being diagnosed with cancer. And Alzheimer's. And diabetes.
I am 46. Some of my friends didn't make it to 46. So I think that makes me lucky. I am incredibly lucky to wake up each day to see the sun coming over the horizon and watch it dip behind the tree line each evening. I am incredibly lucky to look forward to moving my daughter into her college dorm next month knowing full well that I will cry my eyes out a good portion of the long ride home. Despite the division and hatred gripping our nation right now, I am still incredibly lucky that I have been given the gift of time and the choice to use my limited time to leave someone's world a little better than it was before I entered it.
You can mourn getting older. Or you can celebrate the fact that with each new dawn, limitless possibilities rise with the sun. The choice is yours.
47
@ADubs
thank you for this!
An uplifting comment, with such clarity of what life is about - hope, sadness, gratitude, loss and every day joys.
12
Yep, thanks. We are only as old as we feel.
3
Thankyou; so very well written. My mother had Alzheimers disease for 14 years and my father cared for her at home for 10 of those years until he couldn't manage it anymore and she went into an aged care facility. He cried when he had to do that. Until she died, he went to visit her for hours every day.
But my father's example of how to be old has been a true life lesson to his family. After my mother died and after his initial grieving, he started to thrive. Not restrained anymore by another person's needs, he jumped into life in order to ward off depression. He joined a ukelele group, a choir and a men's activity group. He bought an iPad; his grandchildren taught him how to use it and how to use social media. He joined college classes held especially for elderly people and loved to attend classes in his favorite topics - mathematics and music. He attended as many of his family's interests as he could - outrigger canoe races, roller derby comps, musical recitals, charity events etc. His brother visited from Europe and these two elderly man in their 80s took off on a 1000km road trip, much to the anxiety of their families. My father developed such an active social life that my exasperated sister said one day, "He's got a better social life than me!", as arranging to visit him required booking in advance.
My father died aged 91 in his own home surrounded by a loving family. We can't withstand illness and death but my father taught me that we can choose how we live!
54
Growing old may not be pretty, but it beats the alternative.
13
@NM So many say this but does anyone really know what the alternative is?
@NM That's a cliche and like most cliches, has a major flaw. I beg to differ. Death, which is inevitable anyway, is often a blessing.
Maybe if we all work on getting over our internal denial of death, denial of age, denial of the inevitable, we'd be better at avoiding those sudden horrifying shocks of those moments of crisis when the obvious truth pierces our protective layers of magical thinking.
14
No matter which way it goes, it all ends badly. Exercise and vitamins or fillers and make-up, it makes no difference. You will become what you fear. Old or dead, then both.
14
gee, thanks for the uplifting and insightful comment
I remember a conversation my mother & I had a few years before her death at 96. I asked her if she felt that she was in her 90s. She replied, "No, I feel like I am still in my 30s...until I look in the mirror." She never suffered from any sort of dementia, for which my brother & I, along with our mother, were extremely grateful.
Yes, it's a shock when I look in the mirror & discover a new wrinkle in my face, but I have to remind myself that I am much more than just my face. I try to smile more, & I think I am a better person than I once was. Age sometimes does bring wisdom. One piece of advice: Never look in the unforgiving bathroom mirror of an aircraft after a trans-Atlantic flight!
31
I prefer to think of it this way: youth has nothing to do with chronology. Lots of old people are more "youthful" than lots of young people.
When I was 35 I was growing "old" fast, stuck in a 9-5 job, carpooling on the turnpike, occasional indoor tennis, etc. Fortunately, I moved to Brazil then and found any number of activities to keep me busy, including practicing my profession (law) without a boss.
40 years on, I still feel much younger now than then.
14
"What is it about getting older that I resist or don’t entirely believe?" Our culture.
I came of age in the late 70's. Many off my early partners died of AIDS. I just recently put my partner of 20 years in a board and care because I could no longer manage the dementia. I have spent nearly my entire life as a caregiver of degenerative conditions, least of which is my own joie de vie.
It is time for our culture to value the lessons of wisdom, age, and suffering and stop exalting hedonism and the unearned beauty of youth as a virtue Enjoy who you are, where you are and respect others and their journey as legitimate, valued, and heroic.
47
@James This is the best comment I’ve read here and your last paragraph is wisdom anyone at any age can apply.
3
@James Thank you for this, for wisdom drawn from hard living. So many privileged Americans are children.
4
Nature works in the interest of the species, not the individual. As we age, we experience death slowly creeping in in our bodies and minds. We make do, but there's nothing good about aging.
8
beautiful piece, very poignant. I'm not using that app, though--the company that makes it doesn't need my data, but more than that, I'll look that way soon enough. Time is moving ever faster.
7
I don’t have enough sense to fear dementia. But I do despise growing old
As the author observes, there is still a 16-year-old trapped in a much older body.
Thank you for a beautifully written commentary.
7
Who needs FaceApp?
All I had to do to see myself suddenly older was to look in the mirror after double cataract surgery!
My, how quickly I had developed wrinkles in just the few months after the second surgery was completed!
20
People of all ages experience mental health issues. People of all ages experience physical illness and disability. I'm all for writing about the trials of being human. I'm just tired of the incessant ageism of associating aging with dementia and infirmity. It's not a given. Yes, our capacities decrease somewhat with age. But, physical and mental illness is a function of the luck (or unluck) of the draw, at any age.
14
When I was 16, my father, who was 39, told me during one of our great conversations that he still felt just like the person he was at 16. I was rather incredulous that the person who had only ever been my father was confessing that he still felt like a 16 year old. But there it was and I've never forgotten it and as I've aged, I've understood what he was trying to say. Now at 61 with a 69 year old husband, we still travel extensively but now with gray hair and wizened faces. We are continually amazed at how young everyone else is around us--working the counters, sweeping the floors, serving at restaurants, at the desks in banks--everywhere. Not only that, but last year we were ushered to the head of the line at Lima airport even though our tickets were for a different boarding group. We suddenly realized that it was because we were older than pretty much everyone else waiting for the flight. We still run (well, one of us does), swim, trek, ride our bicycles and keep trying to live in our bodies as we always have, but recently I learned my running days are numbered due to arthritis (how inconvenient). But then, as my mother says (who is 82), death is the most inconvenient of all. Thanks, Nicci Gerrard for sharing your thoughts on aging and the Facebook App, and on one of the BIGGEST fears we ripened adults all seem to have, i.e., dementia. So in the meantime we do our best to age gracefully and with enthusiasm, considering the alternatives.
27
Be thankful for all the gifts you have, many I would guess. Look around and see that your life has been pretty good, all things considered. After all as they used to say, "beauty is only skin deep." And life has so much more - the beauty of a child's face, the wisdom of those who are older, the beauty of nature, the companionship of someone you love. Lots to be thankful for and attempting to recapture the physical attractiveness of one's youth is no longer on the list... too many other more important things take precedent.
16
At 76 I find it amusing that a 61-year-old would think she's old. My face is a bit wrinkled, my beard's mostly gray, I have a few age spots, and I have to take a bunch of pills every day. But: I weigh the same as I did as a high school wrestler, I can bench press my body weight, I can run a 5k (unfortunately, it takes almost twice as long as it did when I was 40), and I go dancing at least twice a week. Fortunately, I enjoy being active. Ageing bothers me only in knowing that's there's less time left to live... but I have to remember that's always been true.
34
@Steve Beck: Count yourself among the very fortunate if, to date, the debilitating ailments and/or frailties of old age have not yet invaded your life and changed the quality of it.
Many of us who are 65+ "enjoy being active" - or as active as we *can* be. Many of us were very active all through our lives, which has left a lot of us needing a new knee or hip, etc. And there are quite a number of neurological conditions that manifest themselves in later life.
If you're that healthy & spry (yeah, that word, which only applies to the "old"), you've lucked out ... so far! Enjoy it!
18
@Steve Beck
As some have asserted, ‘old age is not for the weak hearted’.
1
I have already aged. It is what it is. What I loved about the FaceApp was that it showed me what my kids will look like when they are my age. After watching them develop from the moment they were born until their present incarnation as thriving young adults, I have found their journeys fascinating to watch as a bystander. It was a shocking realization one day when I remembered that I obviously would likely not see the end of their journeys. This filter gave me a view of what I will be missing. And it gave me a chance to look upon my children as my contemporaries—looking wise, experienced, a little worn around the edges. It was a lovely gift to connect to them as peers, if only in imagination, rather than across the gulf of developmental phases of a human life. As if I could talk to them about all those experiences, setbacks, thrills, disappointments, changes in understanding that come with living a full life of many ages. Thank you, whoever made this gift to this mother possible.
16
This is so powerful, Sarah. I never thought of the app as an opportunity to have “a lovely gift to connect with (our children) as peers.” Love that; thank you.
My initial reaction to Nicci’s article was what a gift it is to be able to peek into how beautiful my friends and I will look in 10, 20, 30, 40 years. I’ll always feel young inside and celebrate what I see in the mirror.
2
At age 89 my shock is looking in the mirror and seeing myself still here. I find what helps, while I still am here, is to slow down. I have sign that says; "One thing!" That reminds me that I no longer can multi-task. I must put my tasks in some numerical order and then complete each separately before allowing myself to think about the next. It also helps to eliminate tasks, no longer necessary or especially helpful. If it is not essential and does not serve as a source of pleasure, don't do it.
58
I don't need an app to show me aging. I look in the mirror, or in recent photos, and see my mother. I always thought she was beautiful, so I'm ok with where I'm headed.
32
I've enjoyed living at every "age". Now old, perhaps with some wisdom gained, I advise you to work hard, play hard, and love always throughout your life. Like the proverbial ant play the long game and save for the time that work leaves your vocabulary. Remember the long summers of youth? They beckon.
13
I've been afraid of getting old for years, partly from living in this ageist society and partly from having a very ageist relative, but at 57 I'm starting to feel more deeply confident inside and less concerned about what others think of me, and that's real freedom. I hope that after a lifetime of internal struggles, this inner strength will keep growing. I've read that many people most enjoy the decade when they're in their 60s. We'll see, maybe! I have no plan to try out this app. Feeling better inside makes me feel less concerned about my exterior.
27
Honestly, the sixties are a sheer delight but are passing way too fast!
1
I have my twin and younger sisters to remind me what I look like. Last year I saw them waiting for me outside a restaurant and thought, who are those two old ladies waiting for? Ah, yes, it’s me.
64
Being distracted more than I am used to is my complaint. The upside is my understanding of most things because of experiencing them. That gives me peace of mind and tranquility. I would not trade my circumstances.
11
The only thing worse than aging, as they say, is the alternative. The down jacket in July takes some getting used to though.
31
@Frunobulax
My mother, in her later years, would often tell me, "Don't get old", and I would tell her that the alternative was less appealing. I'm beginning to question the judgement of my younger self, but not much, yet.
7
Everyday is a gift. Every time the doctor calls and we dont have an incurable disease it is a gift for life. It is not how long we live but what we do everyday.
We all worry about getting old and dying alone, its impossible not to, with a business health care system that doesn't value patients or life.
I look at the energy that all of the older people have who are running for president. They arent looking at an app. they dont have time. People need to have a cause and these candidates will carry the country on their backs.
Youth comes and goes but dedication to a cause a commitment to something other than yourselves last forever.
Isn't that what life is all about?
29
I’m sixty five, and have faced death several times in my life. These medical events, as I call them, have been amazing life lessons IN LIVING! I won’t waste precious time with a FaceApp (silliness). I’m grateful for each new day, for each day is a miracle for me. Grateful to live in a state in which euthanasia is legal and if I’m faced with dementia or some other incurable disease I will exit this world on my own terms. In the meantime, I live and love fully. Aging is a privilege most don’t get.
49
@Mari
Could you be so kind as to let me know which state has legal euthanasia? I made need it someday. Thanks in advance.
1
When I turned 40, I was horrified. I went straight out and bought an issue of Vogue--oddly, that month, it was the "Aging Issue" or something.
50 was SO much easier. I guess I just liked myself better, and my son, who was about 12 at the time, gave me a great deal of joy and, I suppose, a sense of accomplishment--not that I can really take credit for most of what is wonderful about him.
Now I'm about to turn 58, and I'm more content than I've ever been. I actually look forward to watching myself age, and take pleasure in doing things to keep myself healthy and strong, while at the same time giving myself a little more leeway in indulging some of the guilty pleasures I'd forgone for about a decade. I'm letting my now-silver hair (with a slight touch of purple) hair grow long, and wearing the clothes that I like without worrying what anyone will think, and I've gotten lots of poems published, and I like to play music and sing loudly.
Although I AM terrified of dementia, my only fear with regard to dying is having it happen suddenly and/or painfully. I see death as just part of the process, and I'm curious about that, too. (I have told my son that on my deathbed I'd like a glass of good Chardonnay, a croissant--I have had to be gluten-free for years--a Marlboro light, a morphine drip, and maybe some Nirvana or Pink Floyd to send me off to Nirvana. Should be fun!)
And maybe I'll humor the Russians and use the app to see what 80 will look like. Or maybe I'll wait and see.
25
58 is great!
1
Excellent read, but pretty much on a dark side I would not wallow in too long or else I might get depressed.
6
Such an insightful article. I'm getting my parents hearing aid tomorrow!
Also, you reignited my passion for writing with those poetry links. There is something in poetry that takes you to a different state - a blissful solitude, you are in a parallel world where nothing is out of reach.
8
I've never cared about how I looked, too many interesting things to waste time on that. I don't fear gradual dementia because I know I will exit when it becomes apparent. But I very much do fear a stroke which can leave one unable to reach the exit door. I brought my mother here after her stroke and cared for her for the nine years she lived on after that. My wife did her laundry and paper work, I did every thing else. But I was glad to be in a position to be able to do it for her. However, that experience taught me there were things worse than death waiting in the wings.
Among those almost as bad is the loss of friends and relatives. My few friendships all were made before I turned twenty. All were deep and lasting. Now all but one are dead. The world has shrunk and grayed with the passing of each one. And the one now left is distant, though we manage to spend together a few bright days of every year. If my wife dies before I do I will follow close behind. The world would have become be too colorless and small to bare.
If one delights in people, casual acquaintances and airy conversation I can imagine this might not be so. But age's lesson I find myself repeating is, “The end game is not a pretty one. The end game is not a pretty one.”
24
@BobC Me, too, at 81 I am really missing my brothers and sisters who have died. Wonder if that starts happening when you get older. The pangs of loss seem greater, and I visualize them at different ages.
12
@BobC: Yes friends die and one's world shrinks ... it happens if you live long enough: you out-live your personal friendships.
If you can manage it, I recommend doing SOME form of volunteer work, even for a few hours a week. You will be focused on others who need what you are able to offer, and who value your contribution. And you will meet a lot of very decent, caring, and kind people in the process. And some of them may become part of your life.
The best example of graceful aging I have seen is a friend - now long dead - who volunteered until to age 90. She did what she could, on the days she could - and some days she said the feeling that someone was waiting for her is what helped her to get out of bed!
Some of the people she helped were YOUNGER than she was, but more infirm or disabled. She picked up groceries, ran errands, recorded books for the blind, and accompanied people on their medical appointments.
She also had friends of ALL ages; she gave herself an 85th birthday dinner at local restaurant, inviting 20 of her friends - true friends! - who ranged in age from 19 to 92. I was proud to be among that group, and I have never forgotten how her outlook shaped her experience of still being a valuable and active participant in society well into her 90's.
10
@L
Yes, I've read what David Brooks and others have written on this, and if you like people that is wonderful. But the spectrum of humanity is far wider than he imagines, or more likely those out on the arms of its distributions are too few to matter.
2
What everyone seems to forget is that there are the intangibles in life that affect how one ages both inside and out; being kind, practicing forgiveness, and sharing with others affect how we age, either gracefully or not. Maybe one should reread, The Picture of Dorian Gray.
15
I don't need FaceApp; I have the mirror. I am beginning to see my grandmother looking back at me. Not the well-off, "prettiest girl in school", world-traveled, stylish grandmother who was the only person I'd ever heard of who had an exercise routine, but the dirt-poor, beautiful when she was young, raised six children during the depression, walked to the city library, lived in a hovel without running water grandmother. Luck of the draw? Or socially downward mobility combined with illness - or both. I know I'm not the only one who considers the term "the Golden Years" to be a cruel joke.
19
When young someone told me "the years go quickly, along with that youthful body...enjoy it while you can".
It was true of course. But I think most of us grow to realize aging is just part of the natural and inevitable cycle.
Trees, flowers, rabbits and even mountains age, change and in time disappear.
But what's helped me is I now don't tell people how old I am in years, I just say I've enjoyed 70 trips around the sun.
It clearly is better to say that than the other, plus it brings home why there are a lot of miles on the dashboard.
For me though, aging is and has been good. Who knows where the endless journey into the unknown will take us.
13
@dreThat‘s a great spirit and outlook I will try to share.
Nothing good comes from aging. I see why everyone tries so hard to resist it.
7
@No big deal
I can think of one positive benefit of aging: caring less what others think about me.
56
Whaaatt? That’s just not true!
Sad! Everyone but one person I know, embrace aging what’s the alternative? Six feet under? Enjoy life it’s short!
The bitterest old women I’ve ever met were those who claimed to be beautiful in their youth. It’s probably difficult to lose something so precious and fleeting as beauty.
71
My mother in her youth looked like a radiant Elizabeth Taylor. Four cancers later and arthritis everywhere have taken their toll. I, along with all who know her, adore her- she is the most gracious, loving person I know. She's 86.
11
My dad never got to grow old. He died in his 40’s and missed so much - my graduations, my wedding, his grandkids, travels with my mom, more time to write his poetry. Although there are moments when I wince after looking in the mirror, I always feel so lucky that I have had the gift of time.
129
@J.
My father died four weeks before my college graduation. He lived long enough to make it to the wedding of one of his five children, and to meet one of his ten grandchildren. That is because he married at 20, as did his daughter, which resulted in his becoming a grandfather at age 47.
I have found some solace in his having lived long enough to hold his first grandchild in his arms. It pains me that nine of his grandchildren never knew the love of this warm, loving man, who saved every Father's Day card, birthday card, and haiku that his five children have given him, which I learned after he died, as my mother assigned me the task of emptying out his dresser.
I wish my father had lived another month, to see his daughter graduate #1 in her department, because it would have meant so much to him.
.
I'm not sure that I am better off than my father was, given that I have have been disabled all my life, and have been suffering from increasingly debilitating medical conditions, while my father was able to live life to the fullest right up to the moment when he had a fatal heart attack.
I am making the best of my situation, while I think that my father may have been better off, and given a choice, I might have chosen an early death over pain and suffering.
Fretting about appearance is the luxury of the healthy .
7
Well written and truthful. As for facing death from illness or the living death of dementia. I have always been comforted by my absolute decision to take my own life before it is taken from me. It gives me a sense of self-determination and sovereignty that actually diminishes a sense of fear about unnecessary suffering and humiliation. It is sad and enraging that oppressive religion and and courts have anything to say about the disposition of our own lives. Deciding one's own time should be a right free from coercion.
134
Thanks for this comment. I completely agree with uiu. It is a comfort and a liberating feeling knowing that, yes, you have a choice if it ever comes to that. There’s a door.
25
@AR
When you finally decide that you are ready, why not to give yourself another year and just burn it out with whatever that you never have done in your life since you are going to go away anyway in 365 days. Every day to do something that you'd never do as your usual yourself. You don't know how you feel after, you just cannot know because you will be different. Don't you see, once you are done, there are no other chances. I just don't get it why would anyone gives up on life willingly. The only justification may be the unbearable physical pain but that's where the drugs must come into and this is a society responsibility to help.
2
I couldn’t agree more!
1
Someone sent me a photo of myself and son dancing at his farm wedding. It was cold that night and I changed into jeans and a sweater. My belly is hanging out, my gray hair flying here and there He is young, slim and his brown hair is flying. I think we are doing the mother/groom goat dance. Our legs and arms are in the air and he twirls me here and there. I am old, he is young, we are joyful together.
111
My dad lived to be 89. His mind was sharp and clear. I had my dad for 60 years. Towards the end we would just sit and talk. He had an enormously dry sense of humor, knew he was declining and just wanted to read, and talk and nap. He was the king of napping his entire life. His grandchildren spent hours with him. Soaking him up. When he passed away everything that needed to be said had been. He had given instructions to everyone on various issues( i.e. get your masters, study accounting, travel, go to japan, etc.,) ...and was ready and at peace. He just slipped away. Dementia was never part of the equation. We were so lucky. We had him all until the end.
194
@Harley Leiber How fortunate your dad was to be loved so much. And obviously he deserved it.
4
Thoughtful contemplation of aging along with insights about how to do it gracefully.
Age is a kind of discovery of the reality of morality. It’s a shock to see that appearance of an old self even though we feel well and aware. But there are other signs which we may not ignore. Everyone else seems to walk a lot faster. Sometimes we take longer to arrive at conclusions by inference or implication. We are not as vigorous. We cannot run flat out, anymore. We need to take care to make sure we don’t make missteps because we are less likely to save ourselves with reflexive recoveries. While we can reverse some of these issues by many kinds of efforts from diet, exercise, and attentiveness to medical treatments because we can still heal and grow, while less quickly and strongly, but we will never stop the gradual decline.
12
@Casual Observer
I'm 49 and very athletic. I work out obsessively, ski, and track cars. I've noticed that the communication between my limbs and hands and my brain isn't as instantaneous as it was in my 20's and 30's. It's still almost instantaneous, but not absolutely immediate. My guess is that, as one ages, neurons die and/or neural pathways get clogged or less efficient. So, sensory data is relayed with an ever so slight lag. I bench more than I ever benched. I run faster than ever. I'm trying to incorporate exercises that involve agility. Skiing and racing do. Running and lifting don't. I feel like my muscles are still very young, but can sense that my neurons/neural pathways are starting to age.
4
Neuroscience studies the process of growth and removal of neural connections. These processes go on throughout our lives. We can encourage and discourage these processes to some degree.
2
@Anti-MarxExcwpt 49 is not old and the decline will come later and faster than expected.
The app is nothing new. Years ago, I attended a medical expo and of course, Pfizer who was just marketing Aricept, had a device you could look into to see your older self.
Of course, all you need do is look at photos of the parent you most resemble physically, unless they died young.
I started feeling I'd turned into my mother about 5 years ago. I was close to her, having cared for her through 17 years of progressively debilitating and disfiguring oral cancer. Metastasis got her in the end, at the age of 77, almost 78.
That chronological mortality date seemed normal until recently when I calculated how many years I had left.
But just as I don't want to be shocked at my face looking in an app (I have my own mirror, thank you very much), I don't want to know the exact date of my death.
Thank God there's no app for that, particularly one developed by Russians.
39
I fear dementia more than I fear death. If that Alzheimer’s diagnosis ever comes in, I’ve got an alternate exit plan. I’m surprised how few other people do.
114
@June: I fear dementia as well and have my own plan but I think I understand why others don't. Dementia comes on slowly and "enjoyment of life" is still possible for so long.
When is it the right time to go? And will we by then have forgotten our exit plans?
29
When I told my doctor at my annual checkup that I had an “exit plan” she brought in paper work to have me committed to our local mental facility. Got out of this corner, but will not mention anything like this again. Oh, I’m 75 and in good physical and mental heath...now.
9
You’re not alone.
4
I'm about to turn 70 and only recently realized that my distorted perspective of aging was formed by the movies. Characters who aged in films were easily recognized as their younger selves with only white or grey hair and a slower pace to indicate the passage of time. That's what I expected, not the total transmogrification that my reflected image presents. I count myself lucky that in my youth, I was contented with my plain-jane looks. So, I examine my "new" appearance with amused interest and, yes, acceptance and content.
33
The secret message from Narcissus was - uh, forgive me here - 'fugettaboudit'. The self-mesmerizing comforts of youthful mirror-gazing are fleeting - mirror gazing should only be used in pursuit of zits, tonsorial order, dental checks, makeup effects and curiosity. Using a smartphone aging-app might be a thrilling peek into what you could look like should you live that long...but that's a bit of a spoiler for me. I actually like aging and being occasionally surprised at what I see in my morning mirror as the years roll by...and no Russian data-harvesting bot is going to cheat me of the thrill of seeing what has become of me...wrinkles, blemishes, scars, freckles, smiles, frowns, warts and all.
20
I feel so sorry for those who view aging as a stage of grief. How does that enrich the twilight of your life? Live what's left of it unrelentingly, selfishly on the bright side, to its fullest. You deserve it. Nature takes its course. Get used to it.
54
@Mercutio
...says the person in one of the most beautiful and wealthy parts of the world.
1
This is no more or less significant than the "fit your face to that of a movie star" Both are ways to get hold of your facial data and exploit your face through facial recognition. The small print allows them to sell it to whoever - foreign totalitarian regimes, advertiser (of course), security companies.
Wake up America. Dont use it of course!
16
I agree!
I'm so old the FaceApp made me look younger.
322
@Bob I'm so old I don't know how to use the faceapp or any app.
129
Bob, I'm 57 and your comment had me in stitches laughing so hard. Great comment and cheers!
22
Bob,
We love ya!
8
i accept the reflection in the mirror. i just thought i would do better!
20
Approaching 80, I like who I am and rarely look in the mirror anymore.
51
I've always known what I would look like. I just looked at my grandmother's face as a child.
Now in my 60's, I look slightly different than my grandmother did, but pretty close.
I have no problem with it. I've earned those lines and I'm just amazed I lived this long to see that face. I actually look even better than grandma did with salt and pepper hair color!
18
First, the people who have displayed photo's of themselves after subjecting themselves to that appear to have been treated more than very well by the outcome. So I would tend to disregard its validity. Second, who could be shocked by aging? It doesn't happen overnight unless you are the victim of cancer or other trauma so you observe yourself changing and you get used to yourself as you age. Dementia, of which there are five or six kinds, is also not something you wake up with morning unless you have had major surgery. There should be no surprise or shock that we have aged. A Nobel Prize winner in medicine in 1996 said that our bodies are designed to reach their peak about age 25 and he is dismayed by friends who practically "kill" themselves trying to eke out extensive extra years. He suggests we write a contract agreeing that we will not live beyond age 75 so we can clear the way for younger people. Of course, you may want to make it a revocable contract as you reach age 74.
9
When one is old and compares what one sees in the mirror with pictures of oneself in ones youth, many see little resemblance. That feels strange.
Sadly, human bodies are not like machines whose likely destinies can be predicted very accurately. People who think that way are thinking in terms of their own imaginations, not physical reality. But humans are discovering more and more about our bodies that nobody could imagine and it enables us to treat maladies and to extend our capacities.
1
I'm at the age (60s) when everyday is like Christmas morning: memories I thought I'd forgotten are like presents waiting for me to open again and the day is perfectly ready to make new ones too. I like the way my youth is disappearing from the mirror and am always curious about what I'm going to look like in another day or so. It's fun! Every day feels like more interest in life's bank. I suspect the novelty will wear off by the time I hit 80 and they cut Social Security and the planet will be feeling really sick with all the poisons we've been feeding it, but while I'm waiting for the nightmares, I like this part of aging.
29
@Max And Max
You reach a point, say mid 50s, where you can see facial and bodily changes almost daily.
And they will cut Social Security at their peril.
18
Don’t put anything past the Republicans. They are capable, as they have fully demonstrated by their lock step subservience and fealty to that sick and evil individual in the White House, of absolutely anything.
3
"One of my favorite jokes goes like this: How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans." "Life is finite from the start — and a finite life is a precious one."
Ms. Gerrard appears aware of two of life's realities although the article's title suggested otherwise. From childhood through young adulthood, the swift passage of time and one's short life is quite meaningless. But when age and reality catch up with our conscious self, we can bemoan our universal fate or we can seek a more Buddhist philosophy which can help us appreciate the impermanence of all things and how precious is the present moment. If you can do that, you are enjoying every remaining breath and heartbeat. It's a worthwhile journey.
10
I was working at my computer and spotted a reflection of myself that, at first, I thought was Keith Richards. Have you seen Keith Richards lately?
I turned off the computer and played some Beatles.
266
@jon richards
Brilliant! Thanks for the laugh!
51
@Jon joseph , Keith looks like his life and he is definitely no longer the pretty boy he was in the '60's. But he's still probably the coolest guy in any room, and he wrote "Wild Horses," and I have a feeling that he won't have many regrets when he dies (IF he dies, that is--I'm not entirely sure he's capable). I'd happily settle for that.
27
@Jon joseph
I like your attitude.
6
Bette Davis once said “Growing old is not for sissies“. Boy, was she right. I will be 70 in a few months, am in good health and go to the gym 4 times a week. But I miss not having the freedom that a younger body offers. I don’t walk as far or as fast. I am extra cautious about doing anything that may result in a fall, sprain or even an ache. New medical issues that crop up are never really resolved. They become one more thing you have to manage, one more doctor you have to see. People who just obsess about looking old don’t have a clue. I really don’t care what the outside of my body looks like. It’s the inside that I feel is betraying me little by little. Where’s the app for that?
198
@Mickey Topol I'm much older than you. As you have discovered, old age doesn't come alone. You make the best of it and adapt as best you can. But I must say I am very impressed with the facial and skin appearance of many people of color, especially black people, because it does seem to be a truism that "black don't crack"
2
I'm almost 80 and not at all horrified. I'm grateful! I'm on two feet and enjoying life.
159
Growing old seems alien to most of us, though it wasn't always that way. This is a recent phenomenon closely tied to the switch from extended families to nuclear family units. When were were closely bundled with multiple generations of family members, aging and eventually death were ordinary parts of our daily experiences. It was once unavoidable to see ourselves in a temporal construct, not just of the immediate, but of an entire continuum of one's lifespan. Once we started the practice of separating from the family unit once married, our daily experiences were limited with regards to old age and became focused on early adulthood and childhood. "Youth culture" was born from this experiential shift. But once our children are grown and leave the family unit which they were raised in, we then are left to face a reality which had previously been temporally decontextualized; being shocked when looking in the mirror to find an aging face staring back at us is just a manifestation of a cognizance that previous generations had once known throughout one's lifetime.
65
Growing old has a depressing side for some, for some it’s a challenge but they still find life fascinating still discovering with an inquisitive mind. Seeing how you would appear in say 30 years makes me wonder why? You should live those 30 years and not let your subconscious knowledge of how you will visually appear darken your journey.
16
I used to think that one way to fight ageism in nursing homes (i.e. to encourage staff to be less patronizing to elders) might be to have prominently displayed photos of the residents as young persons.
Maybe the new app will have the same effect---we're all in the same boat, and we all stay (in some ways) the same person, regardless of how we look.
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@jabber I love the idea of displaying photos of nursing home patients in their younger years. Maybe along with a brief cv of education, former careers, interests, etc.
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@jabber
Great idea!
For our 50th Reunion celebration my class gave all of us who were there a round black cardboard with our graduation yearbok photo in the center. We carried these during the Saturday parade.
On another level, it worked a treat, as there were some there whom I didn't recognize 50 years on, including close friends and even a former roommate, whom I hadn't seen for 40 years.
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@frugalfish
That’s very different from my experiemce. Whenever I see people from hight school or college --in person or in photos--they say, “you look the same!” I don’t really, but I weigh the same, and have the same long hair which is only a little gray at 70 (a family trait, no salon involved), so I’m grateful for that little bit of genetics!
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I don't need an 'app' to artificially age my image... any camera will do. And it happens at the same instant as the picture is taken. Inside, I'm still 22, but the rest of the world sure doesn't see it by appearance. Still I suppose, getting older beats the only real alternative. All this covfefe about Face App is a young person's problem, that's for certain. And don't worry, they'll outgrow it anyway.
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I downloaded the free version of that silly app, played with it for 10 minutes, and deleted it. It was good for a chuckle, nothing more.
I’m already oldish, so I used a couple photos of myself from several years ago. Neither was flattering to start with. I added the goofy, weirdly toothy smile. Spooky! An ugly fringe. I looked like I was in costume. Made my self younger (why did I sprout obvious filler-enhanced lips?). Did the glam setting (more lips!). Made myself older. Okay, that one worked. The Old Person filter made me look too much like my late sister, so that just made me sad. I tried another photo, where my hair was pulled back. The program identified me as a man. Oof.
I think it’s best to avoid looking at yourself beyond the required time need to fix your hair, clean your face, apply sunscreen and maybe dab on some makeup. I’m 38 years old inside, and I’m sticking with that. I don’t need conflicting information.
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@Passion for Peaches
You really are a peach, in the best sense of the word!
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Yes. Life is precious. Most of us live in denial. We deny that we will get sick. We deny that we will die. We deny that our loved ones will get sick and die.
We do that until we get sick or until our loved one gets sick or dies. Then we totally get it, no matter what our age is.
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@BSR This is my experience in a nutshell, too. And I have to say-this is another one of the those NYT stories where the comments are as good and better than the article that prompted them.
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This is why raccoons and golden retrievers are so much happier than we are. They're not worried how they'll look in ten years.
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@Alex Eiderdown
But are raccoons *really* happy? Or is it just a facade to ´mask’ their existentiel angst?
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@Alex Eiderdown Because they will be dead?
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@June haha
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Great piece! So thoughtful. The problem with tech is that it sweeps all the mystery out of our lives. No longer do we get lost. (Thank you GPS). No longer do we wonder what our new boss is really like (Thank you social media.) And no longer do we need to contemplate what we might look like in our later years. (Thank you FaceApp!) We are so consumed with "knowing" every possible contingency before it happens that we can longer enjoy the present moment. As that most enlightened soul residing in the White House might say: "SAD!"
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Interesting take on aging. Putting aside the legitimate gender issues women face with aging, and these issues are very real, I'll offer another take.
I'm in my mid-60's. Because I drew the illness short stick at birth, I was born with a a number of physical conditions and disabilities, none of which I "brought on myself" over the years. I never had even one day on this planet with perfect, or even good health. So I don't associate illness and chronic disease with aging. This is who I am, and this is who I've always been.
My friends my age, though, are beginning to moan about their first real medical problems. They don't appreciate that they had fifty or even sixty years of near-perfect health.
But in spite of my own situation, I had a career practicing law for 37 years, retired recently, engage in physical activities that I'm able to do, and have taken up a "second act" as an artist. When I see my paintings hung in galleries, all of my aches and pains recede - for a while, anyway.
And I know that I must continue to simply incorporate my physical infirmities into my daily life, as I have for more than six decades now, as I go forward.
But understand - I'm no superman, or someone to be held up as any kind of role model. I just want to accomplish as much as I can while I'm still on this planet. This is what the remainder of my years mean to me.
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Thanks for the post. This is what suffering can do. Face life as a gift. Appreciate and deal with the cards you are dealt. Live your life, because it is really all you have. Keep it yours.
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@Carson Beckett
Me too, Carson!
I've been living with chronic conditions since I was born, so I've learned how to live with them. Now in my 60's, I see my healthy-till-now friends struggling to face medical problems that seem like par for the course for me...
I'm grateful I had to confront it all when I was young. Now I'm actually happy because aging seems like nothing new to deal with...
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@sfdphd,
I understand your sentiments exactly, as I have had them myself, these past six decades. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
CB
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One of life's greatest mysteries is 'is there life after death?' I've been more than fortunate to have a transcendent yet undeniably real experience and now know, without any doubt, that we not only survive physical death but our personalities are immortal.
Given that, if senility gives way to something more dark, obtuse, and impenetrable, I'm planning on opting out a tad early. A life well lived includes the choice of 'I'm outta here, thanks for all the fishes.' What greater power is there, then to make that final choice for oneself, on one's own timeline?
My motto now is, "Next time, No Planet Earth, no matter what the brochures say..." so I plan on scouting out the billions of other planets in this universe with sentient life. While this little blue marble is fascinating, it's not the only party in town.
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@signalfire - I really want to hear about your experience. Although I respect your right to keep it to yourself. And I have a very similar motto to yours - my SO and I were just talking about it this afternoon. Coincidence? I think not!
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@Moira
Yes, there are eight or so billion people in the world, but you and your SO and the commenter are the only ones talking about life and dealing with it’s end stages, right?
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@Moira - In short, my father had a stroke and was hospitalized. I had visited him that afternoon and was cleaning up in the kitchen alone after dinner. I suddenly felt his 'presence' in the kitchen and immediately had an impact to my right temple; followed by his personality/spirit/whatever entering my head and saying 'WHEE, this is fun!!!' He didn't usually talk like that but it was undeniably him, full of energy and glad to be free of his paralyzed body. I got a call minutes later from my brother that 'dad had just died'. And yet, here he was, in my head. He stayed for weeks, somehow sharing space alongside my own thoughts. He went to his memorial service with me, making jokes about 'how I always wanted to do this, go to my own funeral like Tom Sawyer' and admonishing me for eating too many cookies at the reception afterwards. He stayed with me, slowly fading, until I realized after I had gotten real angry about something that he was gone. I spent a LONG time with the usual emotions of doubt; was I crazy, dreaming, hallucinating? No, no, no. Finally had to come to the conclusion that he had given me one helluva going away present; we survive physical death and continue on. I've also had past life memories as a very young child, but that's a different story... perhaps the weirdest part of this incredibly odd experience was that his spirit had actual MASS; the impact stunned me slightly; it was like getting hit with a marble.
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Very sobering article. Well written. One of my daughters sent me her FaceApp look of when she'll be 80: OMG! It was like seeing my grandmother in her final years!
Yes, life is difficult and finite. Nothing we can do about that. But we can make it productive and loving. and being a 24/7 caregiver as I was for a year fit neatly into those two words. The real lesson in this article comes at the end when the author says:
"I would read more poetry, have more fun, stop hurtling through life, make peace with myself. I should do most of these things anyway, of course. We shouldn’t have to wait for a diagnosis before we attempt to lead a better life."
Marcus Aurelius said: It is not death that man should fear, he should fear never beginning to live.
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@1190ADV, beautifully put. Thank you for Marcus Aurelius's words, as well.
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I agree. Whenever I see a reflection of myself, I say to myself, who is that old guy? One says that because otherwise one feels as one has always felt mentally and normally physically since early adulthood. But so it goes, then ashes to ashes somewhat in the process.
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