Thanks for this article. I recently moved to San Jose from a different state and started from scratch again with a new job. The whole move was burdensome and I had to do it all alone. I realized all my "friends" in the area have drifted apart or no longer interested in answering my calls. This was the first time I felt alone in life. I was a single kid and always found ways to be happy all alone. But I think I've reached a breakpoint where I needed someone to lean on. I couldn't tell my parents anything as they were far away in India and knowing I'm not doing well will only increase their anxiety. I found this article then and signed up for the meet up here. It just helped me get a kickstart in this new place where I'm starting anew. I want to attend more meetups in the future and probably host a few. I realized something in this period of lonliness. Good relations and shoulders to lean on just don't fall in place. It takes a fair amount of proactive work and genuine interest in others. It takes time and energy. It takes strength to understand yourself and mend your ways to be emotionally available for others. Only then, you'll have people around when you need them the most. I realized everything(one) has to be earned and there are no two ways about it.
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"Feeling Lonely? perhaps You'd Like to Talk to Some Strangers"
This article caught my eye this week because this sounds like the kind of things that can be extremely impactful in someone's life, or extremely dangerous. By meeting up with strangers you can be putting yourself in a dangerous situation or you could be setting yourself up to meet your future spouse or future best friends. The way that Mr. Shah began his journey of meeting strangers seems safe because it was through his friends. His friends knew all of these people who were strangers to him but as his tea time project grew, it became complete strangers discussing random topics over a two hour tea time. The article states that the point of the project is to "make cities feel like neighborhoods". I think that is an important thing to do because having a sense of home and togetherness where you live just makes life so much more enjoyable. Loneliness in today's world is a very common feeling so I think anything that will help people feel happier in their day to day lives is an important and worth while thing. Although meeting with strangers is defined;ey something to be careful with, I can see why people would take the risk to be included in a project like this. This seems like an amazing project for the people who are a part of it. In the article it mentions a man, Mr. Estrin, who didn't know anyone when lived in San Francisco and ended up becoming friends with more than 200 people in three years because of this tea.
This is an important article. Many friends sent to to me, because I am the co-author of a book that should have been included: "Consequential Strangers," originally subtitled, "The Importance of People Who Don't Seem to Matter," and then in the paperback changed to: "Turning Everyday Moments into Life-Changing Encounters. The book was published in 2009, and is still available. Or you can check out the Wikipedia entry: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consequential_strangers
Being aware of the importance of consequential strangers has changed my life. I have always been open to new experiences and conversations, but now I seek them out with greater consciousness! This is not just a hedge against loneliness, but a way of enriching my life.
7
Great article on a subject that could affect any one of us at any time, especially at this time when technology often takes the place of social interactions. It is heartening to know there is a movement to combat loneliness around the world.
1
This article initially interested me because of the question asked in the title. Although I don't consider myself a lonely person I was interested in what the article had to say. As I read the article It interested me just how may people feel lonely everyday and it made me feel thankful for the friends I have and the fact that I get to be with them everyday. I was also surprised to see that loneliness is considered an epidemic, I had no idea it was actually linked to physical illness. I think "Tea With Strangers" is a really cool concept, especially since there is someone guiding the tea time and asking more in depth questions. Although I am very comfortable around my friends I think it would be very interesting to have a conversation with stangers about thought provoking things, and see what others have to say too.
2
What is loneliness? Is it the feeling of being kept alone, the feeling that you have no one by your side to talk to, to share the saddest or the happiest moment with? Before reading this article, I didn’t expect that there are so much people out there are feeling lonely and this could be anyone, even the people surrounding you who looks happy most of the times and are thought to never felt alone before. All of us have experienced some degree of abandonment at some point of our life, even for a short period of time, the pain and that scary feeling that goes with it won’t go away. This can happen with anyone and at any place even in crowded space, people can still be lonely.
I find this article very interesting that there are such organizations out there that connect people together. It’s amazing to see how this work. My mom has always been telling me not to talk to strangers and I’ve been listen to her. But as I get older, I find that if you won’t take a chance to talk to a stranger because of this belief of “stranger danger” thing, then how are you going to make friends since fiendships or any kind of relationship first start off with two strangers anyway. It’s interesting how this program works. A group of people who don’t know anything about each other or has never seen each other can meet up, sit down and have a nice conversation to get to know each other while drinking tea. This is how a great friendship first start with. I really like this concept.
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I didn’t expect a lot of people to be lonely in this world. I always thought that everyone has a person they could talk to and hang out with; I guess most people still haven’t find a person to talk with. Personally, I don’t like being alone, because I want to have at least someone to hang out with. For some people, loneliness is not a bad thing because for some reason, they like to be alone. For example, my little sister, she seems to be more comfortable, and happier when she is by herself. Sometimes everybody needs someone to listen, to talk with, and for comfort. "Tea With Strangers" has brought many people closer together and making them feel less lonely. I'm so amuse by how this all started with a guy, moving into a place, not knowing anyone; so he invited some online people to have some tea with him. One thing I like about "Tea With Strangers" is, how you don’t need to pay for it because if you do, it’s like paying money for someone to be your friend, and most friendship doesn’t form like that. I think Tea With Strangers is a great place for social interactions, and meeting new people. The questions are not simple, and some people may even go deeper to their answer, making you feel connected. The aftermath made many people feel like they belong, and at least have a friend. I wonder if some people are still in contact after they’re done talking. Loneliness could be bad for others; others can help people just by interacting, talking, listening, and having tea together.
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This program is exciting because it creates a connection between two or more people that both want the same thing, which is a friendship or just merely a conversation with someone. It is also nice to see technology and social media connecting people instead of isolating one another. This program can be a cure for lack of social connections which causes loneliness as well as creating unlikely friendships.
Many people, including me, have a fear of not knowing someone or being alone in public. It is nice to see that these type of people have options and knowing you're not alone when adapting to new environments.
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This article really opened my eyes in regards to how similar we all are. The whole "tea-time" program proves that random people from completely different races and backgrounds are capable of joining together and having a meaningful conversation; everyone is really the same at their core. I think talking to strangers helps people feel less lonely because if you can have a deep conversatio n and connection with someone you have never seen before, then there is no way you could ever truly be alone. If programs like this keep spreading and become more popular, our world could be a totally different place very soon. There would just be a whole new sense of unity, and empathy for everyone around us.
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As an older woman, I am beginning to lose friends to death. Some are almost shut-ins due to disability.
I find it really doesn't matter if conversation is deep or casual. Even a quick "how are you" with a cashier at my favorite grocery store can make me feel more connected.
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@Barbara I'm sorry to hear that, my condolences. I always wonder if just saying "Hey! How's you're day going?" is really enough to really make a person feel heard and cared for. Perhaps I have yet to understand the power of a kind word. Thank you for that little tidbit.
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@Barbara
A friend and I, both in our seventies, agree that we don't like self-checkout because we prefer that small interaction with a real person.
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@Barbara. Almost everyone I know is deceased or incapacitated. I talk to strangers at the bus stop - ask strangers at Trader Joe’s about products they are purchasing and the cashiers at Trader Joe’s are sometimes terrific. Any small interchange is important.
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In my book, Talk to Strangers (John Wiley and Sons, 2012) I show how to connect with strangers and create meaningful, mutually productive relationships. As this article points out, the benefits are enormous.
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It's come to that? People need a book in order to know how to connect? We're humans, just be human. @David T.
Not only did I get a dog, but I volunteer as a pet therapy team. We visit hospitals, nursing homes, and schools. Gets us out of the house, we have a purpose, and others feel good too.
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Ah, yeah. Try the library, adult education, 12-step, neighborhood association, local theatre, politics(?), Unitarian Church (you don’t have to believe anything), hospital or hospice volunteering. It’s cliche, but “strangers are people you haven’t met yet.
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I am so relieved that a sometimes shameful topic (loneliness) is being openly discussed. Kudos to the NYTimes for publishing this article, and for everyone’s wonderful suggestions! In my experience with opening up to strangers (in a safe manner, always following my gut instinct), I have been touched by the kindness of the strangers I encountered. I’ve experienced this in the US, and while traveling abroad. I also know how hard it can be to open oneself up to believe that strangers can be kind people, who perhaps are feeling lonely too.
For those who have a difficult time reaching out, (I extend this to the woman in the mirror, as well :), you are worthy of love and belonging (as Brene Brown so infamously exclaims :). There is no shame in being human, feeling lonely, and being wired for social connections. I don’t know if we need a pill to cure it, as much as a soft touch, listening, kind ear, or looking into another’s eyes, and being confirmed in our humanity.
-RE
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There is a tradition that is over 20 years old, perhaps even 30 years, maybe even more in Louisiana of people simply showing up at a French table and speaking French. I’ve been doing this since 2003. We have a specific day and time at different restaurants and cafés. You can Google themUnder French table and you’ll get a bunch of places that you can show up.
The only rule is that you can’t speak any English only French. We call the person who enforces this rule the captain of the table. He is generally the person who Has to show up every time and host the table.
The kind of French that you hear is either Cajun French or creole French, the mutually intelligible dialects of Louisiana. Sometimes you hear French has spoken in Belgium or France or approvalsor even sometimes the Caribbean and in Africa. These distant kinds of French are usually spoken by tourists who are always amazed that there are native speakers of French Louisiana. Everybody just assumes that no one speaks French anymore and I believe a lot of people speak French and lotta different languages that are ancestral to where people come from when they settled in America.
I encourage anybody who speaks a language other than English to begin a Language table. You might consider starting a table that speaks only a native American language or perhaps an African language or perhaps a European language. It never ceases to chase the blues away to hear your ancestral tongue spoken. That’s my advice for not being lonely.
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@Mike LeBlanc
So cool!!
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Reading this feels so much like a support group of sort in that people of shard interest connect to something simple like talk. No extraneous activity like sports, card games, etc.
I happen to facilitate Caregiver Support Group and one the central value of any support group is to create community.
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I'm 88 years old and live alone with my cat. What has saved me (somewhat) is that I have an online editing job that helps to structure my days, but I too have gone for a week or more without interacting with another person. I've said that it feels like living on an asteroid. I have felt particularly useless and obsolete since my daughter died. At my age and with arthritic knees, I can't travel far. What I would REALLY like would be to join a "virtual" teatime group that would interact online, via email. Perhaps someone out there could organize such a thing, since the participants would have to be vetted and there would have to be rules to protect the participants' privacy. But I would be really delighted to receive mail from strangers and to reply to them.
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@Cassandra Hi Cassandra, I think that a virtual teatime is a great idea. I would be interested in that! Like you said, It’s a great way of connecting with people even if one’s mobility is limited.
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@Cassandra
why don't you organize it? I'm sure you could find others to join.
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@Cassandra
There's "Living Room Conversations" which hosts online chats every week or so I believe. I haven't attended, so I can't speak to them personally, but it seems this is a decent solution:
https://www.livingroomconversations.org/
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Kudos to the people who are driving this effort and to NYT for highlighting the issue. Loneliness is a scourge on our culture, yet entirely fixable. Imagine a society where we know each other rather than fear each other.
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I remember a very lonely period in my life and that I would get colds almost monthly during that time. I left my job and the city and moved someplace new where I was a volunteer and lived near other volunteers in my program. I had a much improved life and more social opportunities. My monthly colds stopped immediately. I have never been that lonely again, but I know life circumstances could result in me being lonely again. To hedge against that, I invest regularly in my friendships and quality interactions with acquaintances and the people I see as a part of my routine (the people at the grocery store, neighbors, etc...). I approach my friendships first and foremost with a sense of gratitude. And I am teaching my young children that making friends and being a good friend are two of the most important skills to learn.
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@Sarah That's awesome to hear! I relate to this so much with the exception that I haven't left the city. But I did get sick years ago and it's been really hard to permanently heal. I always thought the loneliness had something to do with it. I've endlessly invested in people only to be told that they aren't interested in making the investment back because they already have so many childhood friends in the area, or because they don't know me well enough to put in the effort, or work, or husbands, etc. Such an embarassment of riches for them. I'd love to be a fly on the wall the day they are utter lonely themselves...
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Meetup.com has a lot of groups to bring strangers together. An Irish saying says, "A friend is a stranger you haven't met."
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@HC That's "A stranger is a friend you haven't met, yet"
@HC
Sounds like the Edith Bunker version!
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@HC Unfortunately - 14 years into Meetup.com ,so many people show-up for the moment of an event and never truly connect. No phone numbers exchanged and when they are good luck actually getting an answer when you reach out to say "hello" or with an invite. So many people are lonely, but do they put the effort in to actually connect?
2
I have attended at my local library for the past 20 years, a group meeting called Socrates Cafe. It’s open to the public and even though we have a hard-core group of “regulars”, from time to time someone will work-up the courage and curiosity to wander into our meeting and join us. In fact, that’s exactly how the group continues to grow and thrive. Some patrons are intimidated by the description of Socrates Cafe which uses the word “philosophy” in it’s online explanation of who we are. While it IS true that the original concept was created around philosophical discussions such as: What is truth?, Who decides what’s “just”? Do we recognize our own biases?, it’s also true that no one needs a Ph.D to sit in. The rules are - there is no “right” or “wrong” answer and everyone’s opinion is respected and acknowledged. You can speak or simply listen and if and when we occasionally stumble into politics or religion ( unfortunately, in our current national climate it happens more often than it used to )proselytizing is verboten in either case. I love this concept and the way it brings together “strangers” willing to take a chance on an interaction with fellow curious travelers on the road of Life. I highly recommend finding a Socrates Cafe in your area or starting one of your own. Google it. There’s hundreds of them all over the world.
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I actually don't get lonely, I crave being alone and don't get enough of it with my husband, both adult kids at home and one who brought her family. It's quite wonderful. But equally wonderful is the strangers I meet as I help out hikers on the Pacific Crest Trail. I "Trail Angel' them to the doctor, the train, the bank, the dentist. They are from all over the world and I meet amazing 'new friends' who love the outdoors and have a zest for adventure. They tell such tales in my passenger seat. I am awed, amazed, humbled,thrilled, and sometimes saddened or put on the spot to provide a comforting shoulder for those who burst into tears for one reason or another. But, but, if I didn't help the hikers-- I would do this! It sounds fantastic, utterly fascinating to expand one's circle of humans to others. So cool! What a brilliant idea!
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I wish someone would host these in colleges. There’s an epidemic of loneliness in colleges and possibly as a consequence, in suicides.
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@MT
Can’t believe people are lonely in college. If they can’t connect when they are young, When are they ever going to?
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@zwes I could see social media being a part of that reason. You spend so much time seeing what other people are doing that you judge your own life more harshly.
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Please, not a pill for loneliness! This is being tried for PTSD, with the hope that people who are facing the horrors of war won’t get PTSD. Stop war, stop loneliness with efforts such as described here, not with post-medication.
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Exactly what our parents told us never to do.
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Wonderful idea, but unfortunately the very people who could most benefit from this concept are often too shy to put themselves forward to participate in something like Tea with Strangers.
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@Charlie I would hope that people who are "too shy" would realize that many of us are exactly that way too. The concept is they get to sit with people who are there to be friendly and accepting, even if you don't enter the conversation much. Since it's public, shy folk can always leave if they feel uncomfortable.
Interesting that none of the comments, so far, have mentioned churches, synagogues, masques or other places of spiritual gatherings. Hospitality to strangers is a core value in most religions. Events like Baha’i Firesides, or a Communion Service at a church that offers open communion (think about the meaning of the word “communion”) are god places for those who are hungry for companionship to be fed, literally and spiritually. And, please, no religion-bashing. Just because two faiths are mentioned does not mean I’m evangelizing for these faiths. There are pertinent examples of Hospitality in all faiths. If the first experience is not a good fit, keep searching. There is a faith community out there that will fit you...free, open and loving.
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I remember reading an article a few years back (in the NYT’s Philosopher’s Stone, in fact, I believe) which posited that Western humanitarianism didn’t so much replace religion in the modern era as much it became one for us. One would argue that if so, it differs from other religions in having no organized places of worship and therefore doesn’t afford its adherents an opportunity for socialization, a feeling of belonging, of commonality. But then ideas like Ankit Shah’s provide exactly that.
I, for one, like it. I hope it spreads to more cities and catches on with a slightly older population of those of us who are still moving around a lot with our careers but don’t want to be the one 40-plus-year-old at a meetup arranged online.
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@Jane Trotter I too am surprised that yours is the first comment to mention religion and spiritual gathering spaces. One of the original moments of inspiration for me when I started Tea With Strangers was attending a regular church service every Sunday for a year.
I don't subscribe to any religious tradition, but many of the values that I try to bring into my life are inspired by tenets of old traditions—Jainism, Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism, Islam and even Mormonism have all had very direct influences on me throughout my journey of building Tea With Strangers.
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@Ankit Shah - having lived in the Bible Belt region of the US for most of my adult life, I totally understand why religion should be avoided as a focus of a gathering. I was heavily involved in religion in my younger adult life. Being the recipient of so much judgmental behavior, it is quite understandable why this particular form of being connected, would want to be avoided by many.....myself included. Additionally, it muddies the water. It's too easy to put on airs of religiosity. Meeting for the sake of meeting just feels more pure. More honest. Personally, I love this idea.
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Love this!
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Get a dog. You will meet legions of people walking their dogs while you walk yours. And you will instantly have something in common - dogs! As a dog friend of mine once said “Dogs humanize people”.
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Amen to this. I always met lots of people walking my dog and, after she died, by the dint of my tendency to say hello to everyone else’s dog.
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@cspaatz +100. I adopted a dog by way of my girlfriend of 3.5 years, and I bump into people every day that I would rarely have a shared context with otherwise.
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@cspaatz Dog people are all over the map, just like all other folks, I've learned in my life on this earth. In fact, once I came across my first unfriendly dog person, I was shocked. And I've come across several in my life at this point. So, it takes all kinds.
I once read that instant communications with mobile phones and the internet 'strengthen strong bonds and loosen weak bonds'
meaning - people you already know and communicate with frequently, like your family and significant others, can now be kept in constant loop feedback with every meal you eat, every place you go, every thing you do - leaving you little to talk about if/when you actually meet face to face. Oh your holiday ? We already saw everything you did ...
so much time in feedback loops with our familiars allows us to walk around in public ignoring strangers - who actually might be wonderful people - the default facial expression of many I see in public now is 'get away from me Creep !'
which reminds me of a story - a freshman girl on the bus to Harvard, an old guy sitting next to her, she's tempted to ignore him but ends up having a pleasant conversation about her studies - at the end he gets off and hands her his card - 'feel free to come and see me'
She looks at the card - and realises she's just been speaking to the top professor that all her classmates have been plotting how to engineer a possible way to eventually get to see him - and simply by chatting to an old guy/stranger she's just got an inside invitation !
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Wish there was one in my town. Came back to my home town after age 60, and find myself invisible. Outside of work, I can go an entire week without speaking to anyone but store clerks. Older women have no place in this world.
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@Mary You can make it happen! Bring on the joy. (I'm over 60 too)
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@Janet K Miller also to Mary: 3 years ago I uprooted from my longtime neighborhood/friends to come here to New York, to be nearer my daughter and her family. Surprise! They're moving to Florida! It's too long a tale but I'm not going there in a big hurry. Anyway briefly I thought of moving back to New England or else to my hometown also, but felt like you, Mary, I could be a stranger. So aided by lovely NYT articles like this and all its resources I plan to dive into the pool. You're right about the older women thing, let's change that.
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I returned to my small hometown after decades of traveling and even living outside the US. I was past 70 when I returned. While I felt a visceral connection to the community, I had nothing in common with the people I’d graduated from high school with who had remained in town. I had a few connections in the area I cherished, but after settling in, I checked volunteer opportunities and chose a couple that appealed to me. Through those, I made new, albeit younger, friends. I tired of tutoring and resigned as a volunteer but kept the friends I’d made.
I encourage you to make a life for yourself instead of letting an incomplete and lonely life wash over you.
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Loneliness is emotional cancer. Hardly talked about and yet so many suffer.
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Yes! I encourage anyone to do this, wherever you live. You don't need to sign up for anything online.
I especially believe in using public space. Parking spaces are public spaces! Just remember to feed the meter ;)
Do be radically inclusive and make everyone feel welcome.
In 2013 I set up a table and chairs in a parking space on a street that gets a lot of foot traffic, lugged a cooler full of milk and 5 dozen homemade cookies and put up a sign that said Milk and Cookies With Strangers. I was scared that no one would sit down, but it turned out that people were hungry for it. I was filled with wonder at the things we all talked about (I remember two different men talking about how their terminal illnesses enriched their lives).
Over the years I have followed up with Crack Nuts With Strangers (sitting around my kitchen table on my parlor rug in a parking space!) and Jigsaw Puzzle With Strangers.
Do it! You will have the best time.
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I love talking to strangers! What a fantastic idea! I am absolutely doing this.
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@Janet K Miller Janet you are an inspiration!!!!
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Kathy,
Your friends in your old neighborhood are waiting for you!
2
I love this concept. In this world of insta-virtually everything, you can’t fake real, human connection. As someone well past her 20s, I’m interested in how this concept would work for a more seasoned populous. It is a bit like Meet-Ups, which I’ve participated in with some success.
As a parent, I find time the most challenging hurdle to overcome. Oh, you’re right, as a parent I’ve got “built-in” friends because, the kids. I agree; however, as your children grow up, so do their friendships and who they are friends with. Many parent connections evaporate with their kids’ choices.
Nice article to remind me we’ve more in common than not. Most days I’m all about the ever expanding tools we’ve developed to reach out to others, and in this case, I’m in “most days” mode.
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Oh wow, what a great idea! Even for those of us who are introverts, enjoy our own company, and don't often feel lonely, it is always great to meet new people with whom you can have deep conversations. So many people don't seem to want to go beyond the superficial chitchat to discuss real feelings and thoughts.
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Feeling isolated...being isolated kills more people than ANY disease. Why? Isolation leads to depression which compromises one’s immune system. Isolation is the soil which holds the seeds of sadness...diseases of all kinds flourish in such a garden
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Wearing a Minnesota Vikings baseball hat in the NYC area has helped me engage in many wonderful conversations with strangers this summer. It could be the general friendliness of most Midwesterners or be related to the oddity of a non-local team. Anyway, having a collection of baseball hats from out of town sports teams may be helpful in engaging strangers.
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Wearing your team hat/shirt in an unexpected location can generate such fun! After The Phillies won the Super Bowl back in 2008, wearing the hat earned lots of nice hellos in the SW. Ditto for our Eagles hat a couple years ago, while traveling around the country and on cruises.
@Will With a home like Green Bay, the Packers are universally a favorite subject of conversation!
There is a program called Sidewalk Talk which began in California. A public place is chosen, such as a library lobby. The volunteers sit at tables and other volunteers walk about asking people if they would like to be listened to. I attempted the volunteering twice. In my experience mostly homeless and/or mentally ill people were willing to talk with volunteers. It was difficult to say the least dealing with people who were down and out and mentally ill. Volunteers were not trained nor did they have to have a resume or a background check. The group organizer was the only one who was checked out and responsible for the group. I was uncomfortable with no training, no background check, etc. for volunteers. The concept is wonderful but left me feeling ill prepared with the population we had to work with.
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Great article! Loneliness is a very important issue, and I'm glad it is starting to receive attention it needs.
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Never heard of these groups - and I love the idea!
But then, I often end up in chats with strangers on trips, etc. I also like restaurants where you are likely to sit at a table with strangers. Sure it may be a bust, but it can also be interesting, and a way to learn about a new place.
And to think, these young people behind the "apps" are the very ones accused of being terminally socially impaired by an addiction to smartphones!
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