LW #2. Slimy in all caps. Call those ppl and give them that stuff.
72
Kwame, I think you erred in asserting that 1st cousins once removed are not "closely related". Degrees of DNA separation are not determinate of how close family members may feel toward one another, and families and (sub)cultures differ regarding how close or strong family ties are among family members and generations.
Is a grandparent raising (or not raising) a grandchild automatically less close than biological parent and child? Many cultures don't even have the word "cousin" much less "once-removes" and instead refer to others in their family simply as "niece" or "nephew" even if twice removed; and to age-/generation-peers in the family as sibling or as daughter/son of my aunt/uncle.
Our spouses usually don't share any of our unique DNA, yet are considered by probate law to be our immediate heirs (sometimes even before children). Go figure.
32
LW 3 could leave the money/assets to the child with whom s/he has the closer relationship AND leave a letter or "ethical will" alongside the regular will explaining why. Also, or alternatively, LW 3 could leave the bulk of the assets to one child and reserve one or two special items to give to the other child(ren) with a note expressing care and wishes for their continued development.
6
Letter Writer 2 ought, at the very, very least, return to the sellers the notes and gifts made by their grandparents. Those items, for sure, have much more than just monetary value - to the siblings and/or their own children or other members of the family.
A cousin of mine inherited silverware that was our mutual great-grandmother's. I would hate for her to give or sell it to someone outside the family. They are treasures and links to our family and heritage that are precious to me and other cousins, even if they may become not so to the one to whom they were left.
If the homeowners did not specifically purchase the coins as part of the sale agreement (the way another family member purchased certain existing furniture from prior owners when buying a house), and/or if they follow other commenters' callous calculus and place money over morals and so decide to sell the coins, they absolutely should give the family members of the deceased couple the right of first refusal in the purchase (I.e., give the family the opportunity to purchase the coins before putting them up for sale to others).
16
Regarding Name Withheld's conundrum regarding his brother who was abused:
It wasn't clear to me whether NW was assaulted ("molested") by the man before or after the man started assaulting/abusing the brother. But, without meaning to place any blame on the child NW, it may be pointed out that if he had had the wherewithal to tell his mother what had happened -- and if she had the wisdom to believe him and respond appropriately -- the abuser probably would have lost access to the brother and, perhaps, to other vulnerable children -- not just the brother -- the man may have gone on to abuse.
An abused child cannot be expected to know or consider such consequences of remaining silent or of choosing not to confront the assailant or to alert law enforcement; but adults can, and should.
26
Letter #1.
I'd say that the sibling who spilled the beans about the sexual abuse should be the one telling the troubled sibling that the secret has been shared.
13
And, if the abused brother had not given permission to share that information, apologize for violating that brother all over again.
26
Regarding the question from the sibling of a sexually abused brother, finding a way to tell his brother would be a gift. Abusers often make the victim doubt reality, denying the acts which were done and the duration of the abuse. Telling would validate his experience, that it was not his imagination, and that he did not want what happened to him. The man's life was clearly derailed by the abuse and knowing he was not alone, even though the brother fought the man off. He should find a way to talk, perhaps in a session with his brother's therapist.
32
Also, NW could start a conversation with his brother who was abused, in which NW doesn't mention the brother's abuse, but does mention his own experience with that man. In so doing, NW could crack the door open for his brother to share his own experience, whenever he might want to.
42
This may sound a bit heartless, but it is a question that should be asked regarding the Dysfunctional Brother business. I see a fact assumed that is not in evidence. All of the terrible things that have happened to your dysfunctional brother may have their genesis in the sexual abuse you mention, but THEY MAY NOT! Every victim of sexual abuse does not end up dysfunctional, and certainly there are thousands (millions?) of dysfunctional human beings in the world who have never been sexually abused. I'm not advocating for either situation, but simply saying that it seems all too easy these days to automatically assign blame for a lifelong condition to an experience which, while horrible on its own, may have played little importance in the remainder of the victim's life.
12
@Joe Pearce
If you start a sentence with "This may sound a bit heartless, but...." you should probably stop writing.
110
You do not even know if the toolboxes and money belonged to the old owners. How old is the house? Can the past owners show proof that the coins belonged to them? Perhaps they were there when they bought the house. Your answer on this one seems a bit simple and low-risk on your part. I have to say that the new owners should go by whatever the letter of the law says. They should talk to a lawyer. The issue should not be about ethics or morality; it is about their legal obligation, and that's it.
Finally, anyone dumb enough to forget about $10,000 in coins deserves what they get.
32
Once Donald Trump is definitively deposed, we should conduct a worldwide “Burning Man” ritual/cleansing in his dishonor.
31
Kwame:
As to no.2, it was abandoned property.you do a grave disservice to these people by suggesting otherwise. Anyone who sold the house had the right to go through the house and remove what they wanted. In this case you are simply wrong to lay a guilt trip on the new owners. Finders keepers!
48
#3 Maybe the niece is chilly because it has not escaped her notice that her male sibling is clearly the favored, adored one. She doesn't like you. Perhaps she will be greatly relieved to be not have to burdened by some gratitude to someone she clearly does not care for.
10
LW1 - write your brother a letter
LW2 - finders keepers; stop being a wimp
LW3 - ‘I don’t want my legacy to be hurtfulness’. Surely you would know leaving an inheritance to one sibling and not the other will cause hurt.
23
As a friend and professional confidante of many chlldhood victims of sexual abuse--just an opinion because there's no right answer--I believe the ethical choice is to leave it alone. You never know how a person has interpreted or integrated the experience for him/herself, and if they're not talking they no doubt have their reasons.
11
Or see my other comment, about Name Withheld talking with the "dysfunctional" brother about his (NW's) own experience of being assaulted by the man. No need to bring up anything else. It lets brother know NW can likely empathize and this opens the door for him to share what, when, and however he may want to with NW. It leaves the brother in control of his own experience and information -- something the abuser robbed him of all those years ago.
23
LW 1 could tell his brother about ‘the time so-and-so came over and tried to molest him’. “Did that ever happen to you?” That opens the conversation for brother to talk about it. Sometimes, in not knowing how to begin, walking through the door first is the all the assist a person needs.
29
@ABaron, excellent suggestion. This way the brother has a chance to talk about it. If he declines, then how he stands on this is absolutely clear.
13
@ABaron I don't agree that telling his brother about the molestation attempt is a good idea. The reason is that he successfully fought off the molester, and that was that for him. The brother who experienced continual abuse may feel the story is shaming him for not fighting off the molester in the same way. I do agree with those who say the other brother should admit he shared the secret, and perhaps that will help. Or make things worse, if he was asked not to tell.
32
LW3: Is it generally known in your family that you and the preferred sibling have an especially close relationship? In particular, does his sister know and accept this?
If yes, then it seems fine to have your will reflect that reality, and it probably wouldn't hurt anyone.
If no, then a will demonstrating your preference for the brother would probably be upsetting to the sister. In that case, you might want to think about whether that would hurt the relationship between the siblings in the future.
16
The home buyer was forced into a bidding war to take the home in "as is" condition. They should get the benefit of the bargain.
Ask yourself, if the furnace and water heater last another 15 years do they have to pay more as a result?
39
Please pass on the the sibling of the sexual abuse survivor the name of the organization Hidden Water NYC. Hidden Water is a volunteer-based non-profit that fosters healing from sexual abuse throughout the family system. They do so through the use of the indigenous practice of healing circles. There are circles for survivors of abuse (Green Circles), family members such as the writer (Blue Circles), non-abusing parents (Orange Circles), and for the perpetrators (Purple Circles). If the entire family system has completed it’s individual Circle work, Hidden Water will conduct a Circle for the family itself. Circle keepers are trained, and are themselves members of the group that they are working with. My son (adopted from a highly abusive home) participated in a Green Circle, and has since become a Green Circle keeper. Each circle he participates in furthers his healing. He invited me to participate in a Blue Circle as a way of understanding him better, which I did. I am now a Blue Circle Keeper. Circles are conducted in-person in TriBeCa in lower Manhattan; they are also conducted online, allowing participation from anywhere. There is no charge to those who join the circles.
27
I think the advice is good. However where is this perpetrator now? The writer says he knows him. If he is still alive is there anything that can be done to prevent him from abusing others? Thanks.
12
A bit off subject, but the reason for leaving behind paint cans is so the new owner will have them for touch ups (or if the paint is too old or there's not enough, for color reference). Not everyone repaints their new home.
57
@nom de guerre Old paint is just that - it is liquid junk. Throw it out.
20
Re Question One, a problem with the column I have seen before and raised with the Ethicist, to no avail.
Is Name Withheld male or female?
First, we should know whether the "perpetrator" worked his perversion just on two males in the family or was an equal opportunity pervert when it came to gender, going after both the brother and his sister. Second, and more important, whether Name Withheld is the brother or the sister of the unfortunate brother can be a factor in the latter's openness to have the "discussion" Name Withheld invokes.
Sometimes the accompanying illustration supplies the answer the column omits. Not so this time. The tots could be two brothers or brother and sister.
16
I don't see how the gender of the abused person matters in the least.
31
@Donald Nawi Totally agree. Sibling relationships can vary for many reasons, including age difference and certainly gender.
9
@Sneeral
Donald Nawi’s question wasn’t about the gender of the abused person (since it’s a brother). And yes it may well make a difference, perhaps even all the difference since I, a female, would never share certain things with my brothers, despite my closeness to them. Meanwhile, I’d have no trouble sharing those things with my sister. What’s more, I’m absolutely certain that the reverse is true, or rather vice versa.
12
The land you think you own really belongs to . . . whatever indigenous tribe occupied it, hunted on it, erected teepees/hogans/longhouses/etc. on it before your ancestors stole it from them.
You know what the right/ethical thing to do is. Give it back.
26
@Pecan
Off topic but the indigenous tribe didn't own it either. We are all just stewards.
17
@Pecan
I thought that the land I think I own belonged to the indigenous tribe that occupied it BEFORE the more recent tribe that occupied when it was appropriated. Or maybe the one of the tribes even before that?
Nonsensical? Perhaps but no more than your post.
13
Sorry, when the buyers purchased the house, they purchased it as is. Who knows the real story of the money and coins, but the bottom line is it is just as if mixed among the old tires they had found a very valuable antique chair or table. It was left, the previous owners have never asked for it back, and it is part of what the new owners bought---just as a priceless chandelier that had been hanging in plain sight but encrusted in filth would have been. They said they paid above market value for the house; the sellers have already been paid for whatever they left behind.
60
My father had 3 children-myself and my two half brothers. I grew up an only child and the two boys grew up with their mom. My father always questioned whether the youngest son was really his, but never said anything in front of him. My father never married.
Upon his death my father left the bulk of his money to me along with his car. He left $3,000 to my older half-brother and exactly $1.00 to the youngest brother. While I wasn't surprised to receive the most (I'm the "successful, good" child) I was shocked that he only left the youngest $1.00 and even made a note in the will saying he wasn't sure the kid was his. Ouch.
Here's how I handled it. I never held an official reading of the will. My brothers trusted me enough not to demand one. I told my older brother what dad had done and decided to give him $5,000 out of my share and dad's TV. I gave the oldest $13,000 and dad's car, and never shared just how much money I received. My older brother and I agreed to never tell the youngest what our dad had done. We didn't want him stewing over why our father felt the way he did, especially with the man dead and unable to offer any answers.
I realize I lucked out because I was dealing with uneducated people who didn't know what they could or could not demand. My advice is to leave the chilly kid a little something and the rest to the one you have a relationship with, along with a brief note of explanation.
19
@Tamara
I’m a bit confused, is your older brother also the ‘oldest’ that you referred to? And you told him that you were giving $5000 not to him but actually to his (younger) brother, who is the ‘youngest’?
6
@Tamara, I'm sorry for your younger brother.
13
‘Mental health’ does not exist. Brain health exists. Mentation is a secondary or possibly tertiary construct of the brain. The brain cells that give rise to your brother’s consciousness are lesioned and need healing. Honor your brother’s struggle by understanding this.
4
@Dad W
What on earth are you talking about? Call it emotional or psychological health if you want, but it certainly does exist!
13
@Dad W Lesion is abnormal or damaged tissue. Can such abnormality, supposedly caused by experiences, actually be found?
2
One of the most devastating effects of sexual abuse is the guilt that the victim feels—that he or she somehow invited it, did not do enough to stop it, even enjoyed it. Here you have a sibling who is able to say he fought off the advances of the abuser. How will the other sibling feel about that? Then there is the disparity in their situation in life with the sibling who fought back doing better than the other. I think that the more well-adjusted sibling should back off.
17
I second the comment re the word dysfunctional in the headline. Further, the writer, who was able to stop the abuser, was nevertheless assaulted himself, something the ethicist--since the situation is outside his purview--overlooks, along with the writer's survivor guilt. I hope the brothers seek therapy together, at least as an initial step.
8
Yes. You can give your money to your nephew and not your niece. Unless you gave her the same as her brother she will always be a little ticked at the disparity. Don't get into this trap. Give it all to your nephew with a clear conscience and the good heart that you have.
4
About making a bequest to someone not in the line of intestate succession: the ages of the children aren't mentioned. If they ARE children, it's not a great idea to leave the money to them outright, for a bunch of reasons. Primary among those reasons is that for a minor, there'll need to be a financial guardian. Most likely a parent. And then the parent is in the position of treating his or her own children differently.
So, if there are minors involved, establish a trust for the benefit of the child.
Other than that, NO ONE is required to divide things equally among his or her beneficiaries.
And wills aren't read before funerals so no one is talking about what the will provided. They may speculate, but that's entirely different.
18
LW #2
The house was sold as is. The sellers could have gone through the house and cleaned it out. The sellers left debris and the buyers had to clean it up. Had the buyers cleaned up the house, they likely would have gotten a higher selling price and would have found the toolboxes full of money. It takes a lot of work to clean out houses, they chose not to.
Why on earth is there any moral imperative to return the toolboxes of money? As someone else said, photos would be different.
46
@Not Chicago Maybe they left it there for you.
2
@Not Chicago, yes, they wanted you to have it for cleaning the house.
3
I enjoy tremendously reading this column and always find the advice to be full of wisdom.
2
@James cunningham Often the advice seems reasonable, true, but it is supposed to be an ethics column rather than an advice column...
1
@Roger could it be ethical advice.
3
@HL Would hope that the focus would be the nature of the ethics, and leave the 'advice' part (actual line of action) for the LW to derive from the discussion.
1
I am surprised so many folks think that coins/boxes should be returned to house sellers. The house was sold as-is. How about if the buyer had found mold or structural issue inside that wasn’t detected at purchase? Why are coins and treasures any different other than any other part of the property? Deal with whatever you found, however you choose to.
On the flip side, I am pleased with generous thoughts of many, about returning things. This is what makes America a wonderful place. And I say that with admiration and sincerely. In the country where I was born, 100/100 folks would say don’t be a fool.
24
@Manish Shah
"Why are coins and treasures any different other than any other part of the property?"
Because there is a legal distinction between "abandoned property" and "mislaid property"
The courts have decided that certain items - such as an heirloom rug or valuable chair - can be considered as "abandoned" - and become the property of the new home owners -
However - the courts have also decided that nobody "abandons" money or other valuables - such coins or jewelery - and deems those items to be "mislaid" - and remain the property of the previous owners --
Failure to notify the previous owners of found money or other such valuables could leave you open to civil and/or criminal penalties...
41
@Manish Shah
If you found a wallet with credit cards, driver license and cash in the house, would it Ok to keep that too?
15
@Richard To you have an ethical obligation to return them (as opposed to not use them, which would be fraud)?
2
Writer #1: There is no good answer. Do what feels right.
You are not responsible for what happened and you didn't know about it until decades later, so, really, you can do no wrong here.
If you mention it, and he doesn't want to talk about it, let it go.
If you don't nobody could fault you.
Writer #2: You do own everything in the house, so you have the legal right to do what you wish, but the right thing to do would be to return the items to the owners' children.
You know this which is why you made the painfully lame suggestion of donating a small fraction of your profits from the immoral gain to charity.
Do what you want, but you know what is right.
Writer #3: Once again, neither option is flat-out wrong, but, in general, when you have a choice, it's always better to opt for kindness.
You round the tip up, not down, right?
So, give a good chunk of your estate to the cousin you like, but reserve a small, "symbolic-plus" piece, maybe a tenth, for the other cousin, who, as you say, has never done anything bad to you. That way, you will be remembered fondly by all, rather than bitterly by some. After all, you can't take it with you, so it won't cost you anything to "spread the wealth."
21
The writer should share their experience of fighting off the abuser with the abused brother. If he chooses to, he will share his abuse. If not, let it be.
22
I would be careful about this. It may be that, sadly, the abused brother feels shame for not fighting off the abuser himself. I want to be clear that this shame is completely unfair to the abused person, but it is, regrettably, quite common among abuse victims, "I brought it on myself because I didn't do more to stop it." In this context, the LW's story of fighting off the abuser might seem like confirmation of that narrative.
If I were the LW, I would find a psychologist or LCSW who handles these issues and discuss it with them before talking to the brother. Just a session or two could really clarify how to best support his brother.
14
Whoever came up with the title/heading for this week’s Ethicist column shows a complete lack of sensitivity and compassion for what this male survivor of childhood sexual abuse has endured. “My Dysfunctional Brother Was Abused. How Do I Acknowledge His Past?” Really that’s the best you could do? How about “My Brother Survived Childhood Sexual Abuse. How Can I Understand His Trauma and Help Him Begin To Heal?”
145
The shame of being victimized by a sexual predator is so strong that it lasts a lifetime. It's a hellish gift that keeps on giving; every time a victim is inconvenienced or overlooked or disregarded - even cut off in traffic! - the same feelings are attached to the benign events as to the worst events. They've been "had" again. Even innocuous things like having to step off a sidewalk because a one sees the oncoming crowd of people isn't going to let you pass through them, is one more straw on the pile. The accrued pile gets too heavy many times in a victim's life. Alcohol, drugs, MESSY lives, suicide thoughts/attempts (quick numbing of pain) soon add more problems onto the pile of self-loathing feelings. There is a way brother who wasn't victimized can connect seamlessly with his long-ago victimized brother, and I SO hope he's reading this.
Find/make time to tell your brother you've wanted to talk with him about something YOU have carryied around for years: something you must get off your chest. Suggest take-out or drive-through pickup and go to neutral place (a park!) to share lunch, be alone, quiet, private. You'll explain when the time comes. When it does, tell HIM about the day w/that family friend, what he tried to do that SO upset you, you just couldn't tell your mother. Then explain it never occurred to you the creep may have done the same thing to him, and how sorry you are you didn't warn him or protect him.
He'll take it from there.
43
LW#2: Talk to a lawyer before you say or do anything. Follow 'their' (can't use 'his', 'her' anymore) advice. You bought the house 'as is'; that' would be enough for me to keep the coins and sell them, but I would definitely get legal advice first.
13
@MA Harry\
You're right. You can't use "his" or "her" any more. I grew up when all doctors were "he", all nurses were "she", all successful artists were "he", all dilettantes were "she", all wage earners were "he", all unpaid houseworkers were "she", all lawyers were "he"all secretaries were "she"......you get my drift. I grew up feeling like a second class citizen, and even though women in this country are treated as second class citizens (until they get equal pay for equal work) it's nice not to have it drilled into your subconscious.
28
There’s another way around the issue of approaching the sibling who had been abused and you’ve handed it to them on a silver platter. The sibling who didn’t know about it until now but was also assaulted could use that as an opener without letting on that he (or she) knows. The next time a news report comes on about clergy abuse, child pornography, or sex trafficking, casually and gently ask if the abused sibling remembers so-and-so from years ago and that it was never known by anyone but the man assaulted him (or her, meaning the sibling who kicked the table and got away). Wait for a reaction from the abused sibling. Depending on how it goes, a follow-up statement could be, “It makes me angry to this day that he attempted to do that to me. I hope he didn’t do anything to you, too, but if he did, I hope we can talk about it. It would help me with my own anger.” The abused sibling will probably not speak about it right away; the idea is to just gently put the topic out there without pressure.
11
Regarding the abuse, the sibling who knows should tell the abused sibling that the perpetrator tried to abuse the other sibling, and ask if he would be willing to discuss it. I do think for males who have been abused, there is an extra layer of shame. My daughter, who was raped on a sleepover, and has gone through much therapy, has told me that in her therapy groups that this has come through over and over with the boys who were abused--that they struggled even more than the girls, who struggled terribly, to even admit what had happened to them. I think both siblings could try therapy together. It is a minefield. Insightful support is needed. And yes, sexual abuse in childhood can create a detachment from the world that can have lifelong consequences. My daughter still struggles 8 years later. There is a particular vulnerability in children, they have zero defense mechanisms for trauma.
35
RE: #1 The writer clearly suffered trauma as well. He or she writes that they were "groped in my own living room" and although they were able to run away, their mother still made them apologize, which let's face it was not an ideal reaction. So while the premise might be that this person wants to talk with his brother and "acknowledge his painful past", it might also be a way to talk about and acknowledge their own painful past? In comparison to the brother, this person went on to live a happier life re: career and relationships. But I'm wondering if they might be wondering how the incident of abuse affected them?
7
I did not learn until 48 years after the event(s) that my drug addicted brother had been raped by Howard White, a teacher/Episcopal minister from St Paul's School in Concord NH, who had taken him alone to London for the purpose. Along with myself and our parents, his extended family and friends suffered the consequences of his aggression and rage -- something I now understand. Just found out, from him, last October and still struggling to process my own grief and anger. Thank you for raising this issue and addressing it so compassionately.
52
Wow - I'm in the minority here: L2 can keep what he found. The sellers had the opportunity to go through the house and had counsel. Now, if it were boxes of photos, then I'd reach out.
L1 - talk to your brother. L3 leave something to both sisters but you can have a favorite.
11
To Mini-Fortune, Inheritance money can be a curse. It robs people of the struggle to make it on their own and the feeling of accomplishment when they do. Partially funding education costs is helpful but leaving a mini-fortune to a young person can kill their ambition and sometimes ruin their life. Leave him health insurance and education and let him make his own fortune.
7
Perhaps you could reach out to the sellers, and tell them you've found several tool boxes of items that might be of interest to them, and see if they have a clue... If not, perhaps it's perfectly reasonable to consider keeping the find, or at least some of it...?
2
@LRR, if you want to be dishonest, just keep the money.
4
In my neighborhood there was a house from the 1920s that had been inherited by uneducated caretakers of the elderly owners. For decades they and their gang of unemployed friends and kids lived there. The house was truly abused. We had concerns for the welfare of the children because there was verbal abuse observed. They were so cash poor they had no garbage service. When the contractors toured the house for sale there was no stove, no toilet, walls were missing, etc. The high bidder was a person with experience fixing up old houses. The house is fine and dandy today. The buyer found vintage autos in the garage. They were highly sought after and sold for tens of thousands of dollars. Although the cash poor house-abusers had it the whole time they knew nothing about it and left it along with all the other detritus. I didn't feel bad that the buyers got the valuable autos. The other people had really been negligent as house owners. Also being that we live in an area with much opportunity the negligent, uneducated, really poor people got hundreds of thousands of dollars for the house they had inherited from an elderly employer years ago.
10
I wish my siblings had been as caring and compassionate when they found about my abuse by an adult within the family .
Instead, when I went to visit my sister found her reading a book by Elizabeth Loftus of the “ false memory “ fame.
34
The biggest problem with this column is that we do not have all the necessary details.
LW1. What is the current relationship between the siblings like today? Is there currently a feeling of trust between the two? Are they close? So many important details needed before advice can be proffered. Neither of my two brothers know that I was abused by a man when I was in my single digits. I know my older brother loves me but we are no longer close. In any negative situation he needs to find someone to blame. My fear is that, having never mentioned what happened to me to most anyone....(only my husband and a close friend know. They kind of guessed and asked based upon my behaviors)...he would find a way to find me at fault. Ive spent better then fifty years living with the shame of “what I’ve done or what I let happen”...I don’t think that I could bare hearing a loved one reinforcing it. Thus he will never hear it from me.
LW2. You know what the right thing is or else you wouldn’t be asking for justification. Perhaps the treasure legally belongs to you. You know that it really belongs to them. Give it back. Of course, I would hope that the receiving family would find a concrete way to show their thankfulness. Just one thing...as we don’t have the details...are we sure that the materials originated with the family of the sellers and not to some previous owner of the house?
9
@dearworld2
Regarding LW2, it is clearly mentioned that some of the items had been gifts from the sellers’ grandparents, per some notes also found in the toolbox.
3
Just a few thoughts to add to the many thoughtful and mostly on-target responses:
My husband has a brother who sexually abused their sister. It started before she was a teenager. She has experienced a very difficult life - drug and alcohol abuse, physical abuse, and four marriages. In her mid-fifties, the sister finally exposed the long-held secret. The perp brother, who is very wealthy, offered to pay for counseling after he was outed. In my view, his gesture was only a show - pretty meaningless at that point. Keeping a terrible secret in the dark only perpetuates the pain. By the way, the other family members acknowledged the actions and no one speaks about it.
The fundamentalist pastor/father of this clan had many marital affairs and built his own small fortune on the side, which he left to the children in varying amounts, with by far the most going to the oldest, subservient brother. He made it clear in his will that the others were not worthy because they didn’t kiss his feet.
No wonder my husband was more than happy to move far away from these poisonous people. I’ve observed this family for decades and learned so much about fairness and open communication that I consider those lessons our inheritance.
20
@LF Why "just for show". What other action or amends could he have taken instead, short of letting everyone use his time-machine and changing the past?
@Roger
Seems to me the wealthy brother who offered to pay for the abused sister’s counseling could use some serious counseling himself. Which may well be why LF thought his ‘offer’ merely for show.
5
@eccparis His offer for counseling was for her, useful to her. Do his supposed motives matter if she gets help? Counselling for himself - which he may have already gotten - would be only for himself, and not been of any benefit to her.
3
Re the writer who found the four toolboxes with $10,000 worth of I coins and bills under the stairs of her/his new house: I have to agree with the ethicist here. You bought the house at what you obviously considered to be a reasonable value (even if "well above" the Zillow valuation), with no intention on the seller's part to convey the coins and bills, and no intention on your part to purchase them. They were not part of the sale. (It is a little bit petty to complain about old paint cans. Vacating sellers leave such items all the time, and the paint cans have no bearing on your ethical obligations here).
The ethical and appropriate action would be to contact the sellers and to return the toolboxes with their contents entire. (I think you actually know this; why else would you propose to donate $1000 to charity if not to salve your conscience for what you really know is a wrong behavior?)
And it's not that hard. You never expected to get this $10,000 in the first place, so it won't harm you in any way to return the property to its rightful owner. You're really out nothing. And you can always feel proud that you did the right thing.
Sorry, but this one is really a no brainer.
39
@AM And what if they find 'hidden damage' that they didn't expect to find - is that on the seller?
2
@Roger
Yes definitely. My new neighbor next door is dealing with that right now. Unfortunately no surprise to me given the way the previous owner was always taking the low road.
1
@eccparis it was stated house was bought "as is"
6
It is ok to let your brother know that you are aware that he suffered sexual abuse as a child. Let his response guide you on whether to let the subject drop or not. The more distant the abuse it is the secondary damage to the life of the abused that is the challenge. The abuse creates a loss of part of childhood, which then creates a loss of part of being a young adult, etc.
5
I grew up in a difficult family. One episode of physical abuse from my father caused specific lasting damage. I never told anyone in my family that it had a connection to the abuse incident, which my sisters may not have even known about. (I didn’t find out/figure out about the connection myself until some years later.) I spent extensive time working through this in therapy, and have had difficulties in my life because of the abuse generally, but have a strong zone of privacy about this life-altering event. I’d say hands off.
6
The brother of the abused person, could just confess what happened to him, without offering that he knows that something happened to the other person. This could be enough to unburden the victim, or even trigger him to let it out, feel better, or go to a therapist. This is similar to a therapy intervention, but it could work wonders for the victim, without infringing his privacy. I don't see any downside to this, only a potential upside.
14
Re: Letter #1. Ethicist is correct. Even a well intentioned intrusion into the abused sibling’s privacy would likely be upsetting. I would also advise that if a future conversation occurred, the unabused sibling should be very clear in his/her head that the purpose of the conversation is NOT to relieve his/her guilt for not knowing or being the one who escaped such trauma. The abused sibling has carried enough and doesn’t need the burden of taking care of the other sibling's feelings.
13
@Close reader
Sorry, I meant the “less-abused” sibling, not the “unabused sibling.”I recognize that even a single assault can be devastating to a child.
6
A rich uncle and aunt who had no children died several years ago. They were generous to various nieces and nephews including me, and extremely generous to their love-in caretaker of almost 10 years. My two brothers got nothing. My mother tried to strong-arm me into sharing my inheritance with them. I refused. Unlike my brothers I made time over the years to call and visit two old, lonely, and truth be told, difficult people. I didn’t do it with an inheritance in mind just the thought that when I am old and alone that maybe my nephews will visit me. The inheritance was unexpected but appreciated. My brothers had the chance to show some compassion and chose not to. Why should my aunt and uncle reward them. Family harmony is vastly overrated in these situations. Reward those you have a relationship with and cut out the others. I’m not advocating a Joan Crawford “to my son and daughter, Christopher and Christina, I leave nothing for reasons that are well known to them”, but it is fair and indeed proper to acknowledge those who provided for your needs with kindness and love.
89
When my mother was dying she wanted to leave a small bequest to my cousins son who was named after my father. She was concerned about not leaving money to my cousins older daughter but my mother was in fact was only related through marriage to any of that family. My cousin assured her that leaving money to his son for college would allow him to set more aside for his daughter. Win win.
20
I don't know what the legal rights and obligations are between the real estate buyers and sellers in the case of personal property left behind, but I think the buyers have a clear ethical duty to notify the sellers and return the toolboxes and contents. And yes, they should feel slimy about even thinking twice. The ethical duty is that clear.
56
We purchased our home and discovered a Navajo rug rolled up and tucked away in a far corner beneath the basement stair. It was a beautiful rug in excellent condition. The rug was way too expensive for us to buy, but I loved it. What to do? We called the seller, and described what we had found. He, in turn, told us to just keep it. I display that rug proudly. But if I had just kept it without first contacting the seller, that fact would have forever tainted my enjoyment of the rug.
217
I think sellers of houses should be required to put substantial sums of money in escrow to cover the costs of whatever they concealed behind walls.
Then, when the buyers discover the faked plumbing and wiring, they can use the money in escrow to fix the hidden issues.
On the house shows, the Brothers, when they open walls, often find problems that cost the new owners thousands. If they could draw upon the escrow money set aside by the crooked seller, it would make the situation less stressful, less unjust, etc.
Selling a house "as is" means the new owners take on the items left behind as well as the house. Dirt, hoard, gold, mice, etc.
21
@Pecan
You assume that the sellers actually know about all the problems with their houses, and that they have actively concealed them. I now own my sixth house, and have never felt that to be the case.
Houses come with issues. It's always the case. It's part of the joy/frustration of owning a house.
17
@Pecan
Until very recently, home inspectors in NYC did not need to be licensed which means studying, taking exams and getting certified. Often the home inspection is not comprehensive. It does not uncover the worst. You need to pay for a deep dive into the machinery. I just bought a house, had an inspection and the things the inspector knew were majorly wrong, he simply wrote that this particular item was not part of the inspection but should be looked at. You should pay for a deep dive to look at the aging Water Softener which is a must where the water is hard and must be softened to do wash and take showers and do dishes. Costs around 3000. to replace. You should have a deep look into the HVAC system, unquestionably and the furnace and the thermostat. You are paying up to a million for just a family home these days in NYC for example. Do not settle for the 300. inspection when you are making a major purchase like this one. The inspection is so very important. Accompany the inspector,ask questions, know what you are willing to pay for within the house like a gut kitchen renovation. Many home buyers are first time and this is one of the most important parts of the process. PAY for a comprehensive inspection. It is worth it. It is a basis for price negotiation too. Check the inspectors experience and credentials before hiring this stranger who will be very nice to you but found wanting when he checks the electrical, plumbing, wiring, piping, connections etc. Worth the extra $
11
@This just in
My house was built in the 1700's and if and when I sell it it goes "as is". Although it has been well-maintained and upgraded through the years I'm not going to play the game of trying to please a potential buyer by dancing to their tune (What? No central air conditioning?). There are plenty of other people who would love to deal with its charm.
7
Re: LW3. For goodness sake, it is your money to leave as you choose. Sounds like the recipient is not a child so why would the reaction of the parents or even the sibling matter at all? Don't be guilted into feeling you 'must' be fair to the sibling!
My close family and I were once left some land and money (NOT a fortune) by an "honorary" uncle I'd known all my life. He had an adult son from whom he was estranged who received nothing. I felt no "guilt"....it was my family and myself who had been HIS family for many, many years. He ate with us every single Sunday and was an integral part of our lives. It was HIS money/ land. (As I recall he left $1.00 to his son on the advice of some legal entity, not sure that was necessary, anyone know?)
As for the "found" coins etc, I'd offer to perhaps split them with the other family? First however I'd get some legal advice on it.
8
I think the key here is the writer not wanting to create jealousy or bad feelings between the siblings who may be close to each other, and to avoid causing guilt to the recipient who may feel a responsibility towards their sibling. Whether or not the person SHOULD feel guilt or the sibling SHOULD feel jealous is often irrelevant to how human emotions actually work.
16
@RLiss I believe the will can't be contested by the "wronged" party if they are lost something, hence the $1.
1
@RLiss The $1.00 bequest signals that the person wasn’t completely forgotten and therefore forestalls a lawsuit to claim that the person was accidentally disinherited. “Nope, I remembered you, and here is your buck.”)
11
Great aunts and uncles can matter a lot sometimes. I think equitable distribution is usually the wisest course. I say this from a painful personal experience, not involving money, but too complicated to relate here.
23
I've been thinking about the homeowners with the four toolboxes filled with coins and bills. Unless they have already had the contents evaluated by a knowledgeable dealer who is prepared to pay them 10,000 dollars for the loot (and will probably resell the items individually at a higher price), how do they know the value is as much as 10,000? Coins and bills that fetch a really good price are rarer than many others minted or printed in the same year or even earlier years, and their condition is (pardon the adverb) hugely important . I've researched several old coins I acquired, without any pleasant surprises. I would suggest the couple get in touch with the sellers, tell them that these toolboxes with old coins and bills are there, but not say they're worth 10,000 dollars because that might not be the case. If the sellers want them, they can come get them. If they don't want them, the issue is resolved.
31
@Barbara Pines
The issue was resolved when the buyers bought the house "as is."
7
@Barbara Pines Unless the sellers also read The Ethicist. ;^)
6
To LW3, bequests to whomever you like are your right. I think it would be helpful to include a line stating why that person is getting the bequest (Karen visited me once a month, took me shopping, gave me friendship and conversation), but it is not helpful to say what the others did not do.
If one child cares for a parent more than the others, they should receive more. Time and energy are a huge commitment and if possible, they should be thanked for that monetarily. If not, a favorite item is always a good idea. Of course, if you have doubts, you can always discuss it directly with this person and get their thoughts.
22
I had what I thought was a very close relationship with my aunt for 60 years. My much wealthier two cousins had no relationship. When my aunt died, she left her money to my cousins, excluding me by name. She had every right to leave her money to whomever she wanted but the pain I felt upon learning of her decision was excruciating. It wasn't the money. Quite frankly, I thought she was penniless and had I known she had such an estate, I would have urged her to spend on herself. It has been three years and I still can't figure out what I could have possibly done to offend this woman that I loved deeply. It makes me incredibly sad, not for the money, but the message. I thought she loved me.
184
She did love you, but someone managed to manipulate her near the end. It happens all the time.
51
That is very harsh. It says something about your aunt. Not you!
Where these cousins her children? Or kids from her sister or brother?
In the end it may not matter what her motives where. You know that you loved your aunt and you showed her that love.
You will carry that with you and that is a treasure worth a million dollars.
17
@Vickie
I'm sorry for your pain. Could she possibly have thought you were angling for her money? Just can't think of any other explanation.
4
I have 2 nephews from my brother who is recently deceased. I am leaving my estate to the son and daughter-in-law of a dear friend of 40+ years (who also has a daughter whom I know well). Why? I have never had any relationship with my nephews. One of them probably would not even recall that I exist. The other never reciprocated any overture that I made over the years. My friend's daughter and I are "friendly" but no relationship and she ignored my brother's death. My friend's son and daughter-in-law are, in a sense, the only family I have and we have a relationship. I feel absolutely NO compunctions about my decision. You can't choose your family and they do not have to choose you. And no one is entitled to your estate because of "birth rights".
105
my mother's youngest sister died at 87 a couple of years ago. she left 8 nieces and nephews, and as far as i know, 4 of them got a bequest.
my sisters each got a house, one her primary residence which was cleaned out and sold, and the other a vacation home she owned for decades which my sister has fixed up very nicely indeed. properties were worth well in excess of half a million dollars.
two male cousins also got something, but i don't know what. the woman can best be described as quirky and took up a lot of my sisters' time over the years, and when she began to decline my older sister who got the vacation home, had to step up to handle her care. the two cousins lived near her vacation home and were always there when she needed help with the property.
i don't begrudge any of them what they inherited. believe me, they earned it. i withdrew from her years ago as she was just too much for me, but i did visit much more frequently when asked. i wasn't left out of it completely as the sister who got the residence and sold it slipped me some of the proceeds but i'd bet my brother and other cousins got a stick in the eye.
20
We sold our house "as is" to a realtor couple for a lot LESS than we were going to list it for. They were happy to have a house they could fix up for a parent and ultimately live in themselves plus some nice things we couldn't take with us. We were happy not to have to go through a lot of paperwork, selling a lot of stuff, cleaning, inspecting, having a forty year old carpet probably ripped out. Some thrive on real estate deals and fixing up houses; more power to them. We don't. Money matters; the trick is in knowing when other things matter more. It's one of the better win-win examples in my life.
34
Re letter #1: I'm not a survivor of sexual abuse, but arguably suffered emotional abuse from early childhood well into my adult years. I've received a lot of therapy for it, which hasn't helped all that much. My point here is that even emotional abuse is a very complex situation. My siblings, with whom I am relatively close today, are aware that I was singled out for abuse. But if one of them approached me and said, "Hey, I know what you went through and I just want to say I'm sorry about it," I'm not sure how I'd react. I'd probably freak out and try everything possible to control the situation, which is what I normally do. It may not be rational but these are my defense mechanisms. So Name Withheld needs to proceed with caution. He/she may be stepping into a minefield.
41
@Some Tired Old Liberal
It's tricky and I appreciate hearing how you might experience your siblings mentioning something to you. Caution is really important.
I was wondering if the sibling in the article decided to share his experience with his brother "this is what happened to me, this person touched me, and I ended up having to apologize to them for kicking over the table", it might be a way to open up a conversation. It might give an opening to his brother to decide if he wanted to share his own abuse.
6
To those of us without children of our own, the children of our cousins are not necessarily not-very-close relatives. Precisely because of the abuse suffered by my sibling, I have grown closer to my cousin and her children than my brother and, therefore, my own nieces. I connect with some better than others, but that is human nature. I don’t have a fortune, but my brother’s children will always need more help. They will receive my money, and everyone will receive something meaningful from me.
17
I wonder if one sibling might tell the other about his/her own childhood sex abuse, opening the door for the other sibling to share his/her experiences? I know that learning others have shared the same pain that I have can have a comforting affect. I feel less isolated, and the siblings also might.
17
@moderate af The problem is that the one sibling escaped abuse (after it was attempted once) by reacting strongly enough to draw attention and scare the abuser off. That's not likely to be consoling to the sibling who suffered long-term abuse from the same offender.
8
Of course the house buyer should give the money to the people who were unaware of the property--it is the ethical decision.
Also of course, to my mind, the person making a bequeath to relatives should treat the siblings equally. In truth, the "chilly" sister may be bearing a burden or pain of which this somewhat distant relative might be unaware; but more certainly, an equal inheritance can cause pain and even friction in itself. Being kind is more important than choosing favorites sometimes, and this is one of them.
46
@jb
Not sure I agree. Dividing things evenly may make it easier on the giver--no hard feelings then, right? But maybe not, as some of those receiving may have had deep and meaningful relationships with the deceased, maybe even carrying more of the burden of that person's care and company in the latter part of his/her life, but receive the same legacy as others, who may have done little to nothing.
I am childless, and so I will likely leave my estate to my nieces and nephews, and some charities I favor. But it is likely that one or two of these children will be the ones who do more (or most) of the work of taking care of 'auntie' in her dotage. Not sure exactly how I can work this out now, since I don't know which ones it might be, but I fully intend to provide more to those who take on the burden of seeing after me when I'm too old to handle it all on my own anymore.
15
@cirincis
There are way:
You can always change any part of your will at any time-assuming you are considered legally competent (the bar for that is fairly low).
You can make the "favorite(s) your executor(s) which usually comes with being paid a fee for the role.
Also, you might want to see a lawyer to do a will and especially to set up a Revocable Trust so that your all affairs can be handled if you are not capable of dealing with them. There are various ways of doing this and is really necessary if you have no direct heirs and a non-trivial estate. The trust can be changed/amended at any time too.
3
@cirincis, my reply was merely to the LW, whose complaint about the disfavored person was that she was "chillier." That indicates some lack of knowledge or closeness to me, one that the benefactor "doesn't groove with." Quite a difficulty for the favored, as well. If that were the basis on which I was made wealthy and my sister was left out, I would certainly take steps at once to share the windfall with her. (I might even know why she was "chilly", and having a relative who has already decided that she was so might be a cause. Certainly, I love my sister, even if Mr. Rich did not.
1
House buyer: what would you do if your positions were reversed and instead of being the buyer you were the seller? Yes, you’d want the money back.
Do the right thing and return it to the rightful owners.
135
We bought an old house "as is". The previous owner was a bit of a hoarder and he left a lot of things behind. Most of it was garbage, although he probably woudn't have agreed. We considered it a fair bit of recompense that he left some antique rugs and beautiful garden statuary behind, along with the 18 broken cafe chairs and hundreds of empty wine bottles.
44
@Tallulah I think that's different. The owner chose to leave a lot of belongings behind probably with the knowledge that some of it might be valuable. I'm not sure the sellers in this setting knew about the value they left.
39
Regarding the found money --
The critical distinction lies between the definition of "abandoned" property vs. "mislaid" property --
Old houses are often sold "as is" - which implies you have purchases the house "and all its contents" --
If - after the sale - the buyer discovers a valuable antique chair or desk - worth thousands of dollars - the courts have deemed such items as "abandoned property" and the former owner cannot lay any legal claim to the chair --
However - the courts have also ruled that nobody "abandons" money - which means if the new owners find a strongbox hidden under a floorboard with $60,000 in cash inside - put there decades ago by the parents of the current sellers - that is legally considered to be mislaid property - which is still rightfully the property of the original owner of their heirs --
Also - the concept of "Finders Keepers" is dangerously faulty - and could get one into a lot of trouble --
If you find a cell phone or laptop on a park bench - you must make every good-faith attempt to locate the owner and return the property - even if it means notifying the police --
If you decide to follow the "Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers" way - and simply keep the cell phone - and if the owner is able to track down the phone and find you with it - you could be charged with being in possession of stolen property --
And - since this is a column about "Ethics" l -- it's important remember one basic ethical principle -
"Honesty is the best policy"...
156
Keep the coins! Finders keepers, losers weepers. And besides they paid more than market value for the property - that includes everything in the house!
8
@DB
They got into a bidding war for the property and chose to spend the extra. That was their choice. Misplaced coins are not ethically theirs just because they chose to spend more than market value.
36
Real estate agent here and I can't let this go. :) Zillow is not the arbiter of "market value." Zillow's algorithms can be waaay off. Market value is what someone pays for a house! Zillow does not visit a house to discern condition, amenities, and micro-location, such as a pleasant or unpleasant view and more.
17
@DBA A "Zestimate" from Zillow is not an accurate appraisal of a property. The fact that others wished to purchase the property and the current owners competed to purchase it suggests that the property is worth more than a Zillow algorithm thinks.
4
LW #1 Is it ethical to approach your sibling? I don't see why not. Should you assume that his life-difficulties are the result of the child-hood experiences? Not necessarily. Ask him.
5
If I adore a neice or nephew and want to leave my estate to this person, do I have to leave a simliar amount to ALL my neices and nephews?
Or, I have adore one friend most, can I leave my entire estate to her or do I have to give ALL my friends an equal amount?
What if the beloved child is one of 12, but none of the other 11 gave me the time of day unless Christmas was coming or graduation was near? Do I have to divide it up equally amongst them all?
What about, LW2 is the gay uncle and wants to leave all his money to the nice lad and not the fundamentalist zealot who would walk out of the room everytime he entered. Must he divvy it up halvsies still?
The person with the small fortune should do whatever s/he wants with the estate. If the one receiving it has a problem with it, let him/her write in to the Ethicist.
117
For LW2, I see no ethical problem with keeping the items. The house is 100 years old. Who knows how it all got there? The notes indicating some of it was gifts from grandparents strike me as weak evidence. How old are those letters? What do they actually say? The truth is, the items may not have belonged to the sellers at all. If you feel slimy, by all means call the sellers and give it to them. But they may wonder why you're giving them valuables that were never theirs.
16
@Miamirower
"they may wonder why you're giving them valuables that were never theirs."
If so, then those people face an ethical challenge - hopefully they would give them back, in that case. But that would be THEIR ethical challenge - and their ethical challenge doesn't really shed light on the letter writer's ethical challenge. The letter writer can't justify not attempting to return misplaced items to their rightful owner just because someone else, in the future, might not do the right thing.
17
Re letter 3: Is the girl cousin once removed shy or might she be “chillier” because she’s responding to your lack of warmth for her?
I agree that giving an inheritance to just one of the children could be a wedge between the siblings and may not be good for your preferred recipient either. The parents would best be able to answer that for you
33
@Charlotte Ornett:
Unless they are still very young, not sure why involving their parents should play into it.
You have the right to leave your possessions to whomever you wish......don't worry about "hurt feelings" which may or may not even happen and anyway you won't be there to deal with!
2
In letter #1, I'm not at all convinced the brother would either appreciate, or benefit in any way from, learning that one more person knows of the past abuse he suffered.
What he probably would appreciate greatly, in case he is not receiving it, is understanding and compassion for his plight.
29
@polymath How is the sibling to offer understanding and compassion if they don't let the brother know that they know?
12
By his "plight" I mean the difficulty the brother has with jobs and relationships.
17
@polymath And why does he have that "plight"? Continued silence is not the answer in my eyes.
11
In NZ law, ownership of the coins would not pass to the buyer of the house. Simple. Perhaps American law is different? Do you not have a "nemo dat" rule over there? Forget the ethics- I would be interested in hearing what a lawyer has to say.
15
LW2 Show the sellers what you found, and of your plans to sell the collection, and give them first chance to purchase at fair market value, or as close as can be determined. If they are not interested than sell it, and keep the remand as yours alone.
8
Not sure how it relates to ethics, but it seems the way to get around the other sibling spilling the beans is to find a way to let the more-abused brother know that the perpetrator made a move on Mx. Withheld, too. Then he might be prompted to share his experience (letting the other sibling off the hook)
24
@John I thought the same. Maybe he could tell this story to the sibling and let him find out a way to bring the issue to the victim. The story is important in itself, because it would show the victim that it could have happened to anyone.
14
@John
I don't disagree, but to learn that the reaction of his sibling to the attempted abuse saved him from experiencing much worse, despite the apology his mother forced him to make at the time, could make the abused brother feel that he could have prevented what he subsequently endured.
He might blame himself for his passivity. The LW escaped abuse because he wouldn't allow it, but the abused brother endured the abuse because he did. That's an unkind and simplistic judgement, but it is one the abused brother might well make.
That's only speculation, and it might be wrong, but it is worth considering.
9
The only somewhat relevant piece of information in the question about the house is that it was bought/sold "as is". That the price was over the Zillow (an independent party) estimate is thoroughly irrelevant, as is the bidding war. The "as is" condition makes it interesting because implies some uncertainty in what will be found (issue-wise) in the house. However, that's mostly a real estate term related to what the seller will fix (nothing).
Bottom line, you didn't expect the treasure to come with the house, and the sellers probably didn't expect to leave it with the house (had they known it was there).
14
Withheld.
The spirit of the contract may have been "as is" but that doesn't negate the accident of these things being left behind. DO the right thing. Hand them over to the original owners.
58
@Gwe
The original owners may be long dead. If they built the house in 1909, they may have sold it in 1932, leaving all kinds of junk in the basement, including tool boxes they brought from a parent's workshop and never opened.
The next owners added junk to the storage room, wide-plank floor boards, paint cans, wallpaper rolls, tools, toys, magazines, etc. They sold the house to move to the suburbs in 1954.
The new owners added to the mess in the storage room. Radiators, appliances, etc.
When they died in the 1990s, their children rented the house to various people, including a hoarder. Finally, after moving into a retirement community, they sold the house as is.
The buyers separated out the good stuff that they would take to Antiques Roadshow from the mediocre stuff that would go to local antique shops, consignment shops, school rummage sales, etc.
Great-great-great grandpa's vintage trunks and toolboxes full of gold coins, maps, first editions, and Rolls Royce hood ornaments they kept.
12
@Pecan
What's all that got to do with anything? The owners BEFORE the owners one buys a house from have nothing to do with anything. The contents of the house belonged to the most recent owners, who accidentally left something behind. That's the situation, for ethical purposes. Not what happened in 1934 or 1990.
17
@Pecan
That's quite a number of assumptions, based upon nothing whatsoever, and presented as fact.
2
To Tomi Um:
I think your illustrations are great!
12
LW #2 — Several years ago, upon moving into our first house, we discovered boxes of wedding mementoes and other personal items that the previous owners had left behind in the basement. We could have pitched them out of convenience, but we knew they had great emotional value. We contacted our Realtor, who returned them to the ex-owners.
A few years later, after we moved out of another home, we discovered that somehow we left behind several commemorative coffee mugs from my ex’s Boy Scout days. (How we managed that, I cannot say.) We again contacted the Realtor, who came up empty after contacting the new owner. The mugs were gone.
The moral? Simple — it’s the Golden Rule. If something doesn’t belong to you, you make every effort to return it, regardless of whether the value is monetary, as it is here, or sentimental, as it was with us,
But I think LW knows that, given the way he says he feels about the matter. (And once again, someone comes here looking for permission to ignore his conscience.)
90
Re the find of valuable coins.
I have twice been deceived by house sellers re:
(1) leaky roof, water damaged covered by new wallpaper.
(2) termite damage: was told they only had a contract with a pest control company as their neighbor had a termite problem. After buying the house, one night we came home to termites swarming in the kitchen and the furnace room.
Both houses were checked by an inspector of our own choice.
So I vote for the new owners to keep the coins. They might still find damage that needs to be fixed. It wasn’t until years later that we learned the full extent of the termite damage, after we ripped out walls and floors for a new kitchen.
After that initial termite swarm, we signed up with a new pest company, new technology but serious damage had already happened.
13
@Mary
?? Someone once ripped you off, so the letter writer should rip someone else off?
108
Re the treasure: If the buyers found an article of furniture left behind was worth thousands in the antique market, would they be obligated to contact the sellers? Assuming they knowingly left it behind, should the sellers benefit? Is that kind of ignorance different from the ignorance of the existence of the coins? The difference I see is that the coins are obviously valuable and the piece of furniture is not, so we presume the sellers would not knowingly leave them behind. But in a way, they are not so different: In the case of the furniture they would have had to have it evaluated; in the case of the coins they would have had to open the tool boxes to see what was inside.
2
@Bill in
The other difference is that the piece of furniture would be much more obvious when emptying the house. Toolboxes out of the way in a storage area would be a lot easier to miss.
25
I don't agree with the advice to the home buyers the sellers didn't say no no don't pay that amount Zillow values the house at x not z. They negotiated a deal beneficial to their bottom line. Now the buyer has found coins and bills beneficial to their bottom line they owe the sellers nothing.
16
@liz, that's a very good excuse, all right. It's a question of whether cold law (perhaps not as clear here as you may assume) and self-gain are the fundamental bases on which one makes decisions. They aren't for everyone. Thank God.
3
for the first case of the abused brother, I think to find a time when you are both together and perfectly comfortable after a meal together so not hangry, and relaxed with no stress or distraction imminent, then simply say to him 'I know what happened to you when you were [age]. I'm sorry.'
then shut up and say nothing more - just stay silent - and wait - they would probably react away, but give them time - and wait - and let them say the next thing - which may be shaking their head, getting angry, sad, unhappy, trying to laugh it off to test if you really get it or not - again I would just stay silent.
the key is to wait attentively and empathetically - stay silent - until they choose to say something - then don't interrupt but just wait silently and listen attentively to whatever - don't say anything - just let them talk - and after they've said their fill - they'll probably feel a whole lot of weight lifted off their shoulders.
the key - stay with them and don't talk and don't interrupt - just listen.
25
@Frank Brown
I very much agree with your suggestion. So many times secrets are kept and unnecessary and painful feelings of shame persist. Your suggestion is simple and non invasive.
I wish more people were less afraid of the truth and were able to simply honor the feelings of others by giving them space to share and the support their need to unburden themselves by resisting the need to judge or blame.
14
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
I didn't scream. Because I was so young and it was another child, I didn't know TO scream. I lived with decades of guilt and shame, but because I started to crack from the strain when I was 10, my mother took me to therapy. My abuser, my brother, only a few years older, was also being abused... he didn't go to therapy. He never got help and his life spiraled downwards. He died at age 44. He was messed up, in MANY ways and the abuse was a symptom, NOT the cause. Meanwhile, I've suffered all sorts of health issues many of which are tied to the fallout of his abuse of me, as well as a lifetime of spousal abuse. The abuse was the cause, not a symptom.
What LW1 should do is this: Tell your brother what you experienced. With as little emphasis on yourself as you can. This man touched you. You screamed. Your mother *punished you* rather than *believing you.* You feel compassion for people who have experienced abuse and the struggles they have because it can really mess you up. If your brother shares his experience, show him compassion. Tell him you've always known and you understand why he struggles.
You're his brother. THE most important thing: YOU BELIEVE HIM. You know he's telling the truth. He doesn't have to convince you. You're never going to doubt him. You'll never say, "but that was such a nice man!" He doesn't have to unpack his trauma to prove anything to you. YOU. KNOW.
For an abuse survivor. That is EVERYTHING.
201
@Dejah Just want to make a correction: Dejah, you wrote, "You screamed. Your mother punished you rather than believing you."
The sibling who wrote to the ethicist did not say that he told his mother what happened. He withheld the information, thereby "protecting" the abuser from his mother. The mother never knew, so please don't assume that she didn't believe her child.
I am sorry to hear that your family (sadly, mine also) has also been harmed by childhood sexual molestation, which is unfortunately all to common(as much as 10% of boys and 25% girls in the US). I recommend a segment on NPR Weekend Edition today that suggests that we need to start teaching very young children about protecting themselves: https://www.npr.org/2019/07/20/743234863/beyond-good-vs-bad-touch-4-lessons-to-help-prevent-child-sexual-abuse
3
@Dejah I completely understand that response, but it does bring up one question for me that you might be able to answer as a survivor of abuse: If he tells his story will it add to the brother's shame because he didn't respond in such a way that kept him protected?
7
@Cayce
I don't know. Some people have toxic levels of shame "built in" to their personality.
My point of view was best summed up by Old Rafiki in The Lion King: "You can either run from it or learn from it."
@Peg Kennedy
Since my pronouns were not clear, the child who was not believed was not the brother but the LW. The mother did not believe the LW who told her that the molester had touched him. Instead she punished him for screaming when molestation was attempted. Who knows if the other child screamed or didn't scream? The mother may have punished him *also.* Or he may have seen that screaming did no good and so he didn't scream. He may have seen that the mother failed his brother and so he didn't scream.
Who knows.
I was molested in 1975. My mother taught me about strangers, and strange adult males. She didn't teach me about my brother and not about other children. WHAT we teach children is very important as much as WHO we teach them about. We teach them the wrong things and we teach them about the wrong people. We teach them to fear strangers, when they are statistically likely to be molested by family and people they know and trust.
It's outrageous.
10
LR 2:
Legally, he can probably keep the coins, but...
Just like a kid who has multiple excuses for not handing in his homework, the writer has a suspicious overabundance of reasons why he can keep the found treasure - he overpaid for the house, the owner left some annoying paint cans, he plans to give some to charity anyway. In his heart of hearts, he knows he should return the loot, but wants the Ethicist to assuage his feelings of sliminess so he can keep it.
The old advice still holds - consider what you would like done if you were in the other person's shoes. If you inadvertently left something valuable behind, would you like it returned? If you would, then return the coins to the seller.
280
@PM
Bingo.
58
Can you imagine what it is like to have the fallout from your abuse define your life?
13
@Eli - yes, I can. The really hard thing, though, is the brother whose life is in shreds might not realize the sexual abuse is the root of the problem. It might have happened a long time ago, but the damage was never addressed, so he never had the chance to heal.
7
Yes.
Can you realize how lucky you are to be able to pose that as a question?
1
If you leave a “mini-fortune” to one child and nothing or amost nothing to their sibling, the parents will likely refuse the inheritance, attempt to disburse it evenly between the kids, or try to make it “even” when they die. Why would you put a child you claim to love in such an untenable situation wit his sister? This type of inequity is poison in a family. No amount of money is worth the emotional consequences this will have for both children.
81
@Nicole
You're presuming the "children" are minors, a fact not evident in the letter. If they are under 18 the parents may have the right to decline the bequest (that probably depends on the state in question) but if they are legally adults the parents have zero say in the matter.
Additionally, the "emotional consequences" comment is so illustrative of our times. A benefactor is free to dispose of their estate as they see fit. Life - a fact so many wish for some reason to never, ever expose children to - is not fair. Sometimes you don't get to play with the other kids, you don't get invited to a party others were asked to, some one else wins when you lose, some one gets lucky or favored by an other - that is reality, however unpleasant. Learning about that, and more importantly, learning to how to cope with it is an extremely important life lesson all need to learn. The possibility that one party may be disappointed or angered does not change the right of the man to gift his money as he pleases.
36
@George S
None of that means a person shouldn't try to be kind, does it? I was raised by people with exactly your attitude (constantly told "Life is not fair"). So, I grew up well aware life is not fair, thank you very much, but I had a hard time getting over their unkindnesses.
I'm not opining over what the letter writer should do with his/her money, but considering possible emotional consequences of one's actions on other people is simply being a decent person
Put simply, don't be so mean.
44
@DW
By saying it's "mean," you're judging, blaming, and shaming a person, using guilt to manipulate. You're confusing kindness with permissiveness, a too common error that leads to overindulgence of unacceptable behavior. Instead, how about focusing on the real problem -- the meanness of the chilly sister? Rewarding her mean behavior guarantees she'll continue it.
2
LW#1 No intermediary required tell your brother you are sorry this happened to him. Don't put your other sib in the middle.
LW#2 Technically conveys with the property but pretty sure sellers were unaware of the $$$$. What you paid is not justification for keeping the money. You know its wrong and that is why you are trying to rationalize this behavior.
LW#3 Either divide evenly or leave all to charity why set up a family for a future fracture?
42
I can't tell you how appalling it is to read that people who read this "Ethicist" column want the buyer to just keep the coins. Not judging, mind you. In what world does anyone think that a "mistake" on the part of the sellers should not be forgiven?
68
@Marty
I don't disagree, but how does everyone know it was a mistake? The owners seem to have left behind much that they thought was just a pain to deal with; the fact that they were wrong on the value of the tools ( and hidden coins) doesn't change the fact that they left them behind for the new owners to deal with.
4
Not what LW was asking, but the valuables in the basement may be taxable as "treasure trove."
6
They say with Money it's finders keepers but in this case it wasn't outside of the house so he is pretty sure of the ownership. That being said, he doesn't necessarily have to give all 4 toolboxes over unless there is something sentimental. Basically a house needs the full cleanup and it wasn't done. When it comes to coming across cold hard cash well he could consider a portion as a finders fee and for work done in clearing out the house, undisclosed. It would be a good test to find out if they even are aware that there were 4 boxes or maybe... just 3.
6
@Sara What a world we live in.
Such rationales!
Perhaps people without an old-fashioned morality have a newly evolved conscience.
What a variety of ideas about finding money that belonged to someone else.
34
@Sara
But they bought the house without condition of clean up. Yes, the house needed it, they saw that it needed clean up, and it wasn't part of the purchase agreement.
They agreed to no clean up.
We wanted the owners of the house we bought to clean the dingy white carpets, fix the broken slates at on the roof, and replace the old, broken windows. They refused to do it, we decided to agree because we wanted the house. "As is" is legally "as is". We bought the house in 2002 and just now finally got rid of all their junk in the basement (it's an 1845 house). Now all we have to deal with is our junk.
If we'd found something valuable, we would have contacted the real estate agents.
Yes, stuff happens, all the time, especially old houses like ours and poorly constructed new houses. Get a good home inspector and actually pay them to do a good job. It's worth the money.
5
In 1960 my parents left NYC and bought a former coach house a few miles up the Hudson. The previous owner had once lived in a townhouse on Washington Square South, where a massive safe he had, bound with iron straps and bosses, had broken through the first floor and plummeted into the basement. He brought the safe with him when he moved to the coach house and it stayed immovably in the corner of the enormous living room.
My parents kept their turntable, amplifier and records in it.
The owner of house and safe, known as Jack Sparrow because of his slight frame, had died shoveling snow in the driveway. My parents bought the house from his brother.
One day my mother noticed that the safe door was torn up- the metal lining had been pried open, the jagged edges now curling out like the leaves of a giant lettuce. Inside, the wooden structure also was splintered and raw.
Pondering it, she and my father thought it very likely that in going through his brother's papers, the seller had understood that something valuable was hidden inside the door, and had come back when we were sleeping, or not at home, to look for it. We never found out what had really happened.
If he had asked my parents, they would have let him have whatever was in there.
I'd say ethically, it could go either way. I'd favor returning the items to the seller. If someone gave you a coat that had a wallet in the pocket, you'd surely give that back if you realized it wasn't intended to be part of the gift.
43
We have bought a few houses and have always told the sellers to take what they want and leave what they want. It is often a way to get a bid accepted. We have been amazed at some of the things that have been left behind though nothing of real value, just some pretty cool stuff. You are under no ethical obligation whatsoever to give stuff back to people who did not take the small amount of time to have a good look at what was left to them. Enjoy your good fortune and if you wish to tithe, that is always a fine thing to do and you are to be commended, but it is certainly not an obligation.
21
No no no no no. This is so cold. There’s one right thing to do: contact the sellers and give them back what they innocently forgot.
38
@runaway
Don't you think there's a difference between what a seller leaves behind intentionally, and that which is left behind unknowingly?
If they contact the former owners and they express no interest in the toolboxes and their contents then the new owners can keep them with a clean conscience. If not, well . . . .
The letter-writer already knows that the right thing to do is--s/he wrote to the Ethicist hoping someone would say otherwise. If s/he didn't have reservations about their plan to dispose of the property and keep the benefits, there would have been no letter.
7
1. Talk to your brother and let him know you know, and how sorry you are that this happened to him. If you share your story, be careful that you are not communicating that it is his fault, if he had only "screamed bloody murder" like you, it wouldn't have happened. It is not his fault.
2. Give the money to the family. It's the right thing to do.
3. This all depends on your relationship with the family. You can probably foresee whether or not this will cause ongoing problems within the family. But as a person who is sometimes seen as "chilly", remember that the less gregarious among us also have deep feelings. Is she introverted, or unkind? If the former, maybe get to know her more and you will cultivate a new relationship and new feelings with her.
59
LW#1: Tell your brother what happened to you by this same man. Then listen.
70
Ethically, you have to return the coins. Invite the sellers in to revel in their memories, suprise them with the treasures and celebrate your happiness with the 100 year old house.
Leaving more to one sibling will be painful for both. Why make your legacy hurtful, when it could be wonderful.
101
When our parent died, one sibling took over the mortgage by force majeure and eventually lost the house to foreclosure. The new owner found some documents, looked up the family name, called that relative and returned the documents, including photos, which were irreplaceable. The new owner didn't have to do that, the investment of time and effort, the value in dollars was not comparable to the amount of the letter writer, but to our family it made a huge impact, especially getting the photos back, that the new owner would never know.
I'd say in this case, pay it forward. Sometimes the universe will bless you in other ways.
314
@CS
If by "pay it forward" you mean return the toolboxes of treasure to the family, I agree.
12
LW 2 should contact the previous owners. I'm surprised that he has any question about the correct course of action.
On second thought, nothing surprises me any more.
184
It's obvious the writer of the second letter knows his plan to sell the collection is wrong wrong wrong. Why else would he try to justify it by pointing out they paid "well above" Zillow's valuation (not often a very good indicator of reality)? They participated in a bidding war for a house they wanted; this has nothing to do with the disposition of what they found. It belongs to the brother and sister, plain and simple, who may place a value far greater than money on it. "A little slimy"? No, brother, totally.
227
@David F
Disagree, totally. As is means as is.
(Why assume the worst of the sellers? And of Zillow?)
15
@Pecan In many, many locales, Zillow valuations are completely meaningless.
32
@Pecan,
The expression, as is, has a clear legal definition. It means the house and things attached to the house. Objects, unless they are permanent fixtures attached to walls or something like that, are not part of the house.
11
To the relative leaving a "mini-fortune:"
What about giving each cousin a part, and leaving the rest to a foundation you set up that endows a chair or a professorship or a scholarship to a university you like?
You can direct your foundation to focus on research on a disease--Type I diabetes, e.g., or Alzheimer's. That way, your name lives on, and maybe the cousins will contribute to your fund in their own wills.
Instead of possibly setting up hard feelings between two people, you're doing something to help many people.
33
The writer who wants to leave his mini-fortune to his favorite relative should do exactly that and not fret about the fallout, which they won't be around to witness anyway.
I guarantee the recipient of the writer's generosity won't resent being the sole heir.
27
@Randy I sincerely doubt that. The parents are unlikely to accept the inheritance. If they do, it will sow untold discord. Using your money to hurt children is no gift at all.
9
@Randy
Depends. Favoritism can cause problems for the siblings, guilt for the favored one, resentment from the un-favored. What might be better is to leave what you want to your favorite and include in the will a letter explaining your reasoning ... Jenny visited every summer, Joan never did, Jenny remembered my birthday, Joan nada, etc ...
Or LW could distribute those funds today. And 'less than' doesn't even have to know about it.
5
@Nicole What makes you think LW3's favorite is a child... or that he'll be a child when he inherits? "The parents" may well have little to do with this. As the Ethicist suggested, I'm in favor of leaving something to both the favorite and his sister, but leaving the bulk of the estate to the person LW3 likes best.
9
I think it is generally true that children have an underlying feeling that what happens to them is "normal" and known to their parents, who are super-powerful and know everything.
How many abused children I have known! It is incredible, the level of abuse, the frequency of it, the denial by parents. It's haunting.
Tiptoeing about it with a family member, if you are otherwise close, is not helpful. It's not the sibling's fault, it is not he who has reason to feel shame. If you just learned that your sibling's child had died, would you hesitate to say how you feel? His childhood was murdered, and to acknowledge that fact is likely better than to pretend it it didn't happen or is too shameful to mention. And your own experience may help him to validate that it's not his fault.
I loathe child abusers, they violate the child's trust, and they steal away so much, so much more and for so much longer than people imagine. Good luck in figuring out how to approach this, but do it somehow. Is my advice.
46
@Mary
There is always the problem of unintended consequences. I think the writer should seek some counseling first as to how to deal with helping his brother. It may open a "pandora's box" of issues and feelings or even resentments. Going in "alone" without professional help may harm more than help due to inexperience and ignorance.
30
@CS
You are 100% correct. God save us from well- meaning busybodies.
8
I am an incest survivor. I feel the brother should say simply, I learned what happened to you and I am so very very sorry. One of my siblings said this to me many years after what happened to me, and it was her response upon my telling her. The offender had long since passed away.
You can also say, please keep in mind this abuse was not in any way your responsibility. The loving acknowledgment from a sibling is healing, and talking about it really helps take away the shame.
251
Regarding the first two pieces of advice (abused brother, forgotten property), Mr. Appiah might just as well have written, "I'm not a psychiatrist, but here goes..." and "I'm not a lawyer, but here goes..." because that's exactly what he does, renders psychiatric and legal advice without any expertise in either.
The first case is particularly egregious, he google-researches about child abuse, cites the first few hits that came up to bone up his bona fides, then proceeds to play Dr. Appiah, M.D.
39
@LdV Agreed. Ann Landers would consult one of her experts and identify them in her replies. I trusted and respected her column more than Mr. Appiah's. Ms. Landers also had a better feel for ethics questions v. those on social mores than The Ethicist.
1
For LW3:
Divide it all equally. If you don't, you will be setting your favorite up for years of conflict.
Both the chilly sister and their mother will relentlessly pressure the favorite to share all equally, and even if the favorite acquiesces, the sibling will harbor resentment.
You won't be doing your fave any favors by making them miserable.
For letter writer 2, DUH, you bought the property "AS IS".
Keep the money and make your repairs. How is this even a question?
14
@EK
Yes my sister received a sizable inheritance from a god parent and of course the other 3 siblings did not. It was kept secret for a long time but boy when it came out so did the nasty comments and daggers from some of the siblings. In hindsight probably why she moved far to the other side of the country, so we wouldn't have to deal with the fallout and nastiness in person.
7
@EK
My feelings as well. Giving all to one may cause a lot of emotional turbulence for the favorite, as well as those left out; the gift might also become a curse. Maybe this is more about emotional intelligence than ethics - but I have heard of bad blood caused by similar legacies.
11
@EK I totally agree. As a trusts & estates lawyer, I have seen this. When someone, even an aunt or uncle, treats siblings differently, it can really damage the siblings’ relationship. You should be able to leave your estate to whomever you wish- an inheritance is a gift, after all, and no one is entitled to it. But the sad reality is that many people don’t see it that way and, for reasons I don’t understand, a sibling who receives less or nothing at all often will blame and resent the “favored” sibling. The gift can be a real burden for the sibling who receives more. Even if the favored sibling offers to share his or her windfall, evening things out financially probably will not wipe away the hurt feelings and resentment.
37
Re: the brother.
LW shouldn't ask about brother's abuse, LW should share the story of own abuse. Use that to open the door a crack, it's on brother to walk through if he so chooses.
135
Letter One, Abuse : Spend as much time with your Brother as possible. As you grow closer, he may open up. Just BE there for him, without pressure.
Letter two : Found Money. Contact the Sellers, with a registered letter. Give them one last chance to remove left property, trash and all. No response after a reasonable period, say 90 days, fine. Congratulations.
Letter three: It's YOUR Money, do what you wish. Period.
24
@Phyliss Dalmatian
letter two: that makes perfect sense. Without disclosing of course. If they come to clean up then riches will befall them otherwise zip.
5
I agree with all of it. Well summarized.
4
@Phyliss Dalmatian
This is bad faith. Obviously the sellers do not know or remember what they left behind. You're recommending a pro forma thing to formally take guilt away. But you're purposefully dodging the substance of the issue. How hypocritical.If this is your view, do not bother going through the motions, save yourself the time and the stamp of the letter.
26
Human beings regulate within relationships with people they love and are close to. Regulation is essential for growth. If one sibling knows the other one was abused, the one who has been abused needs help regulating their nervous system, their brains and their hearts and bodies. Abuse derails development. Connection with others who care is the way we heal. Reach out, gently, positively, and see if he wants to talk. Reach out by increasing your shared experiences now even if he doesn't want to talk. Tell him how special he is, how much he means to you and the world. The current moment is the one that is safe - with trauma you live in the past or future. I work with traumatized kids and adults, healing can happen.
7
I think the brother should bring it up, in a coded way so that the sibling can either acknowledge it or not. Something like, it happened to me in the living room. Not referencing the "it" because he will get it.
My husband's grandmother said just that to me. She never told anyone else.
Then, under no circumstances would I ever say anything about what happened to me again unless directly asked. That one fought back will only make the brother feel worse. Perhaps he already thinks that and is the reason this brother was not told.
18
@If it feels wrong, it probably is
Not necessarily. The brother's more passive response may have been due to personality differences--one more extroverted, aggressive and self assured than the other. He can just say that saved him and then talk about the mother's oblivion to what was going on even when the boy screamed as part of the problem.
5
Just thinking about the letter-writer who is planning his will, I'm wondering if the chillier relative doesn't have a trauma she is dealing with? (See the first letter in today's article.) In today's world of chaos and dark forces, some of us are doing our best to function and keep it together.
For the sake of the sunnier sibling, it might be best to go ahead and leave equal amounts to each sibling. This might support a stronger relationship between them as the years go by.
99
@NotKidding I'll say my thoughts went there also, regarding the "chillier" sibling. Of course it is very much speculation.
In any case "I just don't groove with her" is a pretty lame excuse in this situation. Split the money evenly, set up as a trust for education expenses, there are many options, especially since letter-writer says "I don't want my legacy to be hurtfulness."
35
Buying a home "as is," is the same as selling a home "as is." The sellers got what they wanted. The buyers got what they didn't quite expect, but it too is a part of "as is."
I say the cache rightfully belongs to the buyers. I'm not a legal expert but neither is Appiah. and doesn't pretend to be.
Enjoy your found treasures, buyers!
69
@Nik Cecere Agreed, neighbor.
The buyer bought the house and its contents, and they're under no obligation - moral or otherwise - to give the sellers toolboxes that came with the house, no matter whether they contained rusty tools or a small windfall.
23
@Nik Cecere What is legal and what is right are not the same and too their credit (I guess) it seems the author knows this. But, at the same time, they clearly also know that they should contact the seller but instead appear to be looking for affirmation that their slimy plan is justifiable (but clearly not noble) because they over paid for the house and no one asked and they're going to donate some money from the sale of this family's treasure to charity. Just do the right thing because its the right thing.
80
@Nik Cecere At first I got a creepy feeling about the new owners wanting to keep the money. (I hate it when people think giving a portion to charity makes things right.) But, you are right; the sellers knowingly left stuff behind and so have forfeited their rights to it. (Maybe not legally, but morally.)
13
I disagree with the advise to the person writing about a brother, particularly since the same move was made on the author. I am a survivor, and it would have made so much difference to me in my lifetime of 57 years, had someone broken the No-Talk rule, which fosters shame. Getting someone else to be the messenger is one way dysfunctional families avoid open communication. The (better) way this caring sibling can do it is to disclose what happened to them--to reach out with something about wanting to connect, acknowledging that they didn't always share personal stuff, and that something happened to them that they wonder about: did anyone else experience the same thing? Sharing what happened, first -- the caring-sibling, I mean -- taking that risk is a way to make the (possible) mutual disclosure less of a risk. That's what vulnerability is -- taking risks together. And growth is hanging in to connect through that vulnerability. I think there's an assumption in the ethicist's response that "choosing to remain private" is just that -- a proactive choice. If the sibling was indeed abused, then that choice might more accurately be understood to be toxic shame in a culture that denigrates victims. The beauty of the caring-sibling going first is that it also gives the brother the chance to say "no." Bottom line: nothing ventured, nothing--including maybe a loving connection--gained. If you were my sibling, I'd be grateful for the chance to tell.
218
@Em - I completely agree with this direct approach. Directness is so lacking in our society, but I think it is the best chance to open up a dialogue if the silent, struggling sibling chooses to share his experience.
Triangulation is rampant in my family. And it does not engender trust. In my experience, it just adds a layer of dysfunction to a situation, and shuts down effective communication.
64
@Em. Thank you for sharing your lived experience of childhood abuse. I am a former therapist who worked in incest family treatment and child advocacy. I had the same response to the Ethicist's advice. Using one sibling as a go-between further reinforces the shame aspects often associated with sexual abuse.
Child sexual abuse thrives when kept in the shadows; perpetrators continue with find victims when the adults whose job it is to protect respond privately rather than involving law enforcement and child protection authorities. The letter writer is himself a survivor; were he my client, I would help him explore taking the initiative to disclose his own experience to his sibling, its impact on him at the time and today. A self-disclosure when offered for the benefit of the other person may be experienced as validating and cathartic, creating a bridge over what has likely been a significant divide within this family.
87
I agree, as a psychologist and as a person who was in the letter-writer’s near-exact position. When I told my cousin what our uncle by marriage had tried with me, I knew from another relative what he had done to her. She appreciated my reality-testing of her experience & told me her own story, along with the fact that to this day no one in her immediate family knows what this beloved figure had done, which caused her a great deal of pain. We got to be vulnerable together, and shared a moment of intimacy that contributed to a supportive bond. Shame grows in the dark; it must be flushed out with sensitivity.
159