I found the placement of this article at the top of the NY Times home page alongside two stories about the sexual predations of Jeffrey Epstein to be inappropriate and undermining. If male college professors have to keep their door open to avoid suspicion of impropriety it isn't because "people" have forgotten how to be consensually intimate, it's because men have, throughout history, had a bad record of systemic and violent nonconsensual intimate conduct. We are at a point of reckoning in America, and the change that is happening around men's understandings of consent is incredibly important. This fear-mongering article is very much grounded in ideologies of the past.
90
@Arizonan...so, it’s all the fault of men. That argument also seems to be part of a trend.
66
@Patrick alexander Yes, it virtually all is. And I write this knowing, with great sorrow, of men I care for who have been victimized by women.
9
@Patrick alexander It is the fault of men if they are the ones doing the assaulting. And the ratio of male predators to female predators is clear enough.
10
I hate being touched. It totally creeps me out. I don't welcome anyone to invade my space. I haven't had sex in years, and I do not miss it in any way. Being raped changed everything for me. It was a violent invasion. People take too many liberties, and assume touching is okay. It's not.
I don't hug. I don't reciprocate. Any esteem I had for you vanishes when you touch me. I don't shake hands. People think it is hostile. It is. Doctor are the worst. I will never, ever remove my pants or unbuckle my belt.
Medical people have a real hard time with it. They always feel personally affronted if they can't put their fingers inside of me. I walk out of hospitals. I walk out of doctor's offices. I would rather die than submit. If you as a grand medical authority can't handle it, that is not my problem.
One doctor tried pulling my pants down without consent. He wishes he had not done that.
Touching is ubiquitous. We take it for granted. People who refuse to be touched are cast out. I have been touched enough for one lifetime. Enough.
Why I hate this thing is no one's business, and if people ask, I do not discuss the assault, the violence, or the rape. What is not your business is not your business. If you inquire, I turn around and calmly walk away. I am not obligated to touch you. I am not obligated to explain myself. Your curiosity is patently absurd and beneath contempt.
I work with boys at-risk.
They so get it.
Often, they kill themselves. Being assaulted crushes you.
15
Of all the articles on today’s NYT page, I immediately jumped to this one. As a retired pediatric occupational therapist, this article truly resonated with me. I’ve been telling friends and acquaintances that the dearth of ‘good touch’ is really concerning. Touch is the first of the five senses to develop in infants and is critical for attachment (as noted in the well-known study of rhesus monkeys). The need for positive touch is lifelong, necessary to build trust and connection. I also studied massage therapy for this specific reason and now volunteer in an adult day care as well as a hospice house in order to provide good touch to seniors and those in the last stages of life. Studies have shown that hugging increases oxytocin levels in the body and strengthens the immune system, relieves pain and depression, decreases blood pressure and slows the heart rate. We are wired for touch, a simple and effective, zero-cost method to provide comfort and healing. In this digital world, positive touch is more important than ever....so go out and touch someone! (smile)
15
My family never touched each other, much less kissed. Hugging was disgusting and verboten.
I still feel that way. I don't want to touch anyone, especially shake their hands or hug. It's just how I am. I live alone and love it: no more catering to someone's moods and idiosyncracies out-of-sync with my moods and in conflict with my idiosyncracies. I've thus found peace and quiet, the ultimate balm for stress and unhappiness.
(I've always thought that Tom Hanks made a big mistake leaving that deserted island. Helen Hunt soon showed him that you can't go home again.)
5
I feel like the “no touch” phenomenon is mostly a white middle/upper class thing. I go to a Hispanic Methodist church and during our fellowship time everyone hugs and kisses on the cheek. Totally inappropriate for a work setting of course, but the church folk seem pretty comfortable with it.
9
There is 8 times more violent crime in the USA than in the European average. Per capita .
The USA have also 8 times more incarceration rate than in Europe . Almost 1 % of the US population is in jail ( o.8 % ) .
Which means that the USA have another kind of " heavy touching " ( violent crime : assault, rape, murder, etc...), even if sometimes it is touching at a distance, with a gun .
Or is it that people are being put in jail in the USA because they are not allowed to touch each others ? Physically and symbolically . That is a serious theory among criminologists .
And that, of course , says something about the general culture of the USA . People are not allowed to touch themselves or be naked on the beach like we do in Europe , but Americans commit sexual crimes at a much higher rate. So the puritan ideology is actually not a chaste philosophy. It is a philosophy of violence. Not touching is the sign of a restrained violence, that will come out another way .
8
The most accurate prediction of the future that Courney Maum expressed, seemingly unawares, was the rise of the unpaid/underpaid gig economy.
Way back in 2003, she traded her futurist “expertise” for oysters and cosmetics while she was not entitled to work legally in France. I was shucking fines de claires for no money in Paris after I graduated restaurant school...in 1984. I was not technically working, as my school set up my “stagiare” position, so I was legal. My wife and I were newly married, and living in a cheap hotel on the left bank for the equivalent of $15/night, breakfast included. The proceeds from our wedding presents paid for four months in Europe, from Belgium, France, Italy to Greece. She had family in Napoli, and all over Greece, which made it even less onerous financially. Four Michelin three star meals, a dozen two star meals, and even more one star experiences. Living out of a suitcase for four months cements your compatibility pretty darn quickly...
7
That British psychology of the SELF is a world catastrophe .
It is a psychology of violence .
4
A hug, freely given and accepted, creates, — for a few seconds, a few days, or forever — new, independent being, a star, a universe, a Hope.
5
Ask Joe Biden what he thinks about touching.
2
Shouldn't people be able to indicate what they want and what they don't want, and have their choice be respected, rather than being pressured by trends? Not being touched should be the default, because it's too dangerous and too exhausting to have to tell everyone "Don't touch me!" If you want to be touched, tell the people so that you want to touch you, including how you want to be touched, and if they wish, they can do it, and if they don't, they can decline respectfully. We should all respect both choices. We should...it's horrible, how far we are from being there.
5
So much ignorance in this article its discouraging. Touch is a celebration of happiness derived from being with someone we really like. Just look at puppies playing. We could learn from them.
The writer doesn’t use humanizing words like caress or playfulness or fun or body language. Why not?
3
We didn't have an issue with touching in the 60's or the 70's then herpes and aids came along in the 80's and behavior changed.
2
Silly article, confusing the reality of human existence with the media's filtering of same.
6
Ms Maum's got her finger on the pulse.
2
So the author was working illegally in Paris with no VISA, huh? Sounds a bit "open borders" to me. I thought all the so-called moderates who read the NYT would be demanding prison time.
After all, you can't afford to treat such behaviour with leniency, can you? As we have established, only some kind of far left lunatic would suggest that. Where was French ICE?
2
Why didn’t the writer use the word ‘caress? Too awkward to say?
Dogs and horses will tell you when they want to be touched. They lean in.
Go to a shelter. Adopt a pooch. You’ll be glad you did.
5
It’s a pity that today’s youth live in this pitiful state. In many facets of young life, intimacy has been derided as something that is wrong, unwanted, and a violation of the other’s rights. But this is the time of life to responsibly enjoy intimacy because all too often young children, careers, fatigue, age, and in the case of my wife & I, serious illness, robs you of the time, interest, or ability to be intimate.
I use the word ‘responsibly’ here and that’s important. My view is not to suggest or condone rampant & irresponsible promiscuity. But turning our young adults into fearful, lonely, porn-addicted eunuchs is not healthy either.
9
Real men know how to touch without assaulting, and enjoy doing so. Maybe there is a severe shortage of real men.
8
One observation, since I have friends in both Mexico and the United States on my Facebook feed: My female friends in Mexico have no problem sharing innuendo, dirty jokes, sexual imagery, and one of my close Mexican friends is a nude photographer who shares her erotica on Facebook.
With my friends from the US, on the other hand, there is very little discussion about sex unless it is to condemn some man for inappropriately crossing boundaries during this #MeToo movement.
Sometimes I wonder why I fell in love and I got married in Mexico.
1
It went out of style. If you do it may put your career at risk
"On Politics: Biden Accused of Inappropriate Touching"
NY Times, April 1, 2019
He never fully recovered from this accusation
"How Joe Biden’s Touching Resonated With Readers"
NY Times, April 4, 2019
After a rapid and necessarily superficial skim I wonder if this piece is worth the trouble of closer examination. Reading the Times isn't rocket science; what's the point?
Offer to give someone a hug, if you think they need one.
And ask someone to give you a hug, if you think you need one.
It works. Try it. :)
4
Oh boy. This lady spends far too much time on Twitter and "social media" and not enough time in the real world. Sad.
3
The young people of my aquaintance are great huggers, way more so than I was with my friends at 14 - 18. This may not translate to ease of sexuality, but it's hopeful.
Something I noticed many years ago--when people hug each other they have a closed hand. Even in family pictures. A scene between lovers on TV or the big screen? Now that I have mentioned it--I bet you will begin to see it too. You will look just to see if what I say is really so. I do not claim it is absolutely everywhere, but it is, unfortunately, quite wide spread. To me, it makes any kind of hug look like a fake hug.
I am a writer. Recently, I turned to writing about life in the 1950s. with a new Detective series. I have become so desensitized with my own era, I wanted to share what I remembered about an age without all the modern "conveniences", not even television or air conditioning.
Believe it or not, it is more comfortable in that era when people were free to meet people without any technical distractions. An embrace did not mean a violation, it meant mere affection, which is how we became a gregarious creature.
Remember even dancing was begun as a courting ritual, and in those days the most common venereal disease was gonnoreah, curable by a shot of penicillin, So by 1960 we began a "free love" era and that lack of inhibition was very satisfying, life was fun, plain and simple.
No, life was not perfect, but modernity has not made it perfect at all. When I read today that people sat in a bar during today's blackout by the light of their "Smart" phones, I wondered had candes gone out of style with romanticism?
3
@Richard E. Schiff as a woman returning to life in the 50's sounds dreadful. No legal rights to your own credit, an existence staying home, keeping house, minorities had no civil rights, smoking and drinking rates were sky high, as well as child abuse and sexual abuse, as was prescription drug use and the liberal use of committing people to sanatoriums. Restrictions on women's careers....
no thanks! I will take today's modernity and chaos any day over any time in history.
9
While touching may be a part of an intimate encounter, this article treats the subject of intimacy superficially. I believe genuine intimacy between individuals and groups is directly related to the degree one is willing to be truly vulnerable toward the other person. Sharing information that doesn't risk your status with a friend of your group isn't being intimate. Intimacy must be based on trust that the other person or member of your group will not use that information to harm or exploit you. How many of us are willing to be that open to others?
6
@Robert Marvos Yes. The nations who have the less touching culture have the biggest armies.
And the highest violent crime rate . And the highest incarceration rate.
4
Touching is neither dead nor particularly hard to get. Many thousand people all over the world dance Argentine tango every day and anyone can join them. Not to be confused with what is called Argentine tango on Dancing with the Stars, the social dance as practiced in Buenos Aires is a chest to chest moving meditation. You basically spend around ten minutes hugging your partner closely and holding their hand. Then you do the same, usually with a different partner, again and again all night long. When the connection is good, there is a huge endorphin rush. As always in this world, it doesn’t hurt to be young and attractive. However, being older, heavier, straight, or gay are not major obstacles. The really desirable partners are those with a great embrace and the ability to communicate the music through their embrace and movement. It is not in the least unusual for people to wax euphoric about how tango enabled them to learn or relearn how to connect physically with others.
39
20 years ago, I was hospitalized for 5 weeks after a car accident. In that time, not one person touched me, other than to take blood or vitals.
The days of nurses massaging patients or doctors holding your hand to allay your fears I found was gone. I was a commodity in a pay-by-the-day medical procedure. There was no touch and therefore, very little genuine compassion or healing.
Was that a sign of what has come to pass? Perhaps. But I think the 'over touching' of the long sexual revolution and the awakening of #metoo awareness has created a need not just for random touch, but for real, true, genuine touch, rooted in love and compassion.
124
That is such a sad comment on the hospital where you were treated. I recently had a heart surgery and much to my surprise every nurse and tech came by and wished me well and some gave me a hug or held my hand and prayed for me. Either I was really sick or these people were very kind. Lesson learned was go to a Presbyterian hospital. And I’m not a Presbyterian.
33
@Bluebird, I’m 60 and have been with family members as they progressed through fatal illnesses and even when the breathed their last breath. I have never seen a doctor hold an adult patient’s hand. I think that happens only in the movies and on TV shows. It’s inappropriate most of the time, in real life.
What I have seen, from kind and compassionate doctors, is a hand gently placed on an arm, making an effort to meet and hold the patient’s gaze, and taking the time to listen to what the patient has to say. Those are caring and healing gestures.
9
I don't think there was ever a time when I would not have wanted to keep the office door open while meeting with a female student, and I have been teaching for fifty years. (I suppose I shouldn't count the first few years; I did not have an office in which to meet female students until 1976.) I can only recall one exception, when I was discussing matters that under university regulations had to be kept confidential.
I have been practicing the "do not touch" rule for the whole fifty years.
2
While I remain as starved for touch as the throngs that must have inspired this great piece of writing, I must say that I have always been thus starved. Not sure what the parenting style was in the 50s but, sadly, my parents style wasn’t to hug or cuddle.
In fact, I was so much left untouched by my parents that two things stand out, even to this day: first, my father’s hand as it lightly spanned my back, but only during any of my childhood stomach flues. Second, I distinctly remember my having concluded that, because I was touched so very little, I might actually have leprosy.
During my convalescence from a vertebral compression fracture, my core muscles collapsed and I compensated with muscles that weren’t designed for the purpose. When I eventually saw a physiotherapist, I literally couldn’t locate the muscles he was asking me to activate. As the writer here astutely states, muscle memory is lost when muscles are not activated. It seems likely that anyone who hasn’t touched or been touched in years will not know quite what to do or feel.
Decades ago, a psychologist by the name of Harlow studied touch-deprived rhesus monkeys. Among his most startling conclusions was that, apparently, the monkeys were more accepting of being starved of food than they were of being starved for touch. This is as cautionary a tale as there is. I would suggest that most current human misery here in the rich west is caused by not being affectionately touched.
Oh, what have we done?
76
As an older woman, I don’t particularly care to be touched. Casual touching tends to mean sexual aggression on the touchers’ part and it is now WONDERFUL not to have to deal with that troubling behaviour.
I am totally on board with the younger generation’s no touching and less sex. My generation’s obsession with sex was both stupid and a waste of time. It’s a biological urge and it’s about time humankind has applied some intelligence to it.
3
@Morgan, while I disagree with your statement that “casual touching tends to mean sexual aggression” (I won’t judge that because I don’t know your personal history with that), I do agree that for women sometimes a casual touch from a man can be an unwelcome assertion of power. Power, not sex. I am also an older woman, and I have experienced the male hand placed on my arm, the pointed finger jabbed at my chest, the cupped palm embracing the small of my back. Those gestures can be purely affectionate when offered by someone you know and like, but from a stranger, a neutral acquaintance, or a professional colleague, they imply dominance. Now, when we get to the too-long hug executed with his pelvis pushed into mine, that crosses the line into sexual aggression. Sex and power are inextricably entwined, in our society.
8
My criterion for just about everything in the domain of Choice Among Consenting Adults is that if it results in fewer people being born, it's a good thing.
2
We can have sex and touch others without having babies, of course.
4
"There is nothing new under the sun," an ancient saying that became untrue when smart phones hit the market. Instant, world-wide communication by voice, then by text, e-mail and social media--this is truly new and of course, we are seeing some truly new effects from that. The immediacy does not allow for any natural filters or even barriers to our impulses, so lots of things are said or written that people regret later--and if written, these things are out in the e-universe forever! We have at last seen the god who knows our every thought and remembers. "You better watch out."
It’s not just teenagers that are not having sex. A record percentage of adults are in sexless marriages. I’ve noticed less hugging at church and at family gatherings.
And more people are getting massages, manicures and hair services that entail a fair amount of touching. People really crave it.
I hope for a return to increased physical intimacy for more people, albeit with mindfulness about inappropriate touch.
144
Important advice - people who are unhappy in a sexless marriage need to GET OUT. No matter what a therapist, doctor, or your friends tell you. It never gets better. You will live and die as a miserable, lonely soul.
9
@Cousy, I hope you aren’t making assumptions about couples’ sex lives based in how much they hug in church and at family gatherings. Some couples are not into public displays of affection. I’m on board with that.
6
@cgg or they have affairs, which is running about 26%. Just because the marriage is sexless does not mean the people in it are.
6
The "Pence rule" -never dine with a woman other than your wife- has now expanded to never have a coffee, never make compliment, never touch anyone. Why?
an HR trial...where “preponderance of the evidence” rules apply. Which means that - "it is more likely than not that the allegations occurred."
5
This is brilliant so glad the author is talking about this. I’ve been watching the trends of psych diagnosis amongst youth and it appears you are correct. It’s a big alarm bell with many different causes. We are a touch deprived culture. We are still digesting metoo and never came up with a constructive way to deal with sex, love and intimacy. We use to kiss on the cheek and embrace each other upon meeting. We had a element of trust that we no longer have. Petting a dog lowers cortisol and releases oxytocin so the same is true with non threatening touch. What’s happening in Japan with the explosion of holograms and sex dolls is a massive warning to all of us. These two industries are very real. VR porn is something else that will rise in the future. The Japanese are no longer coupling and have serious suicide problems. There’s men trying to marry sex dolls. We must learn empathy and real intimacy. We also no longer make eye contact which can be disarming and a key component in establishing empathy. Loneliness has been linked to a decline in physical health. Digital life is killing us especially youth. Our biology is made for human touch. We wilt and wither without it, I agree with this author that we will see these trends, but I will add this: the majority will be anxious and depressed people needing touch from others. Our culture needs to change or more substitutes for human intimacy will be recommended with psych meds. We are losing what it means to be human.
42
As a gay man who lost his virginity in 2007 and had a great time up until 2012-2013, I will say that sex is dead. I had a brief moment in this sun with romance before it died. I am 31 now and admitted to a mentor friend of mine who’s 71, “I think the best sex I’ve ever had....is already behind me.” He was shocked to hear me say that but I’m afraid it’s true. I had a brief moment in the sun with it, but it quickly died when the culture shifted and changed so radically.
Surely the primary appeal of the Zentai is it lets you stand out among the visual noise of a crowd of people by making you all one colour? I've never worn one but I always assumed they were worn for visual effect, not out of some psychological yearning to be shrink-wrapped.
Touching women has become politically and legally dangerous.
Men are trying to avoid this and will continue to do so.
6
@R. R.
Good. It's about time.
7
I only allow people to touch me when my attorney is present.
2
Sorry to bang on about this, but I find the distancing language to be quite fascinating. The author was "an overeducated illegal immigrant of sorts"... an illegal immigrant, but with two qualifiers ("overeducated" and "of sorts"). Both meaning privileged, essentially.
A Bangladeshi taxi driver with a PhD doesn't get to call himself "an overeducated illegal immigrant of sorts", he's just a regular illegal immigrant. See how it works?
8
"The commercial for this item, in which a lonely worker eco-commutes home on his bicycle while texting an impatient Azuma,"
I clicked the link to see how texting while cycling was done, and so happy to see he was on a bus not a bike. Imagine getting yourself killed for a hologram.
2
To put this article in perspective as either wishful thinking or utter nonsense all one has to do is consider what just happened to Joe Biden. Case closed.
Very nicely written, dare I say touching. Thank you.
Wait a minute, is this lack of touching an East Coast thing? Here in flyover land I am plagued with huggers. Make them stop!
1
What we need is Human like Robots. You don't have to worry about touching them. I would buy one in a heartbeat. Are you seeing this Joe Biden?
1
But first we must touch the iPhone button and spread inanities amog our hundreds of touchless friends and if we have time.
1
While the “rent-a-friend” service sounds tragic at first, if you think about it the thing makes sense. You’re invited to a wedding or reunion or something where you want to make a good impression, and you need a plus-one but you are single and you don’t want to send the wrong signals to a “maybe date.” So hire an attractive, hands-off escort, and give that person an interesting backstory for table conversation. It’s all in good fun, and there are no sensitive feelings to tip-toe around, no commitment, and if you meet someone you’re interested in at the event, you don't have to feel bad about getting that person’s information. Want to go to a concert or performance your partner isn’t interested in? Hire a companion. I see nothing icky about it.
I do see a huge load of icky in that Japanese hologram assistant, though. The ideal companion is a sexy schoolgirl with a baby voice, who will wait for you impatiently in your tiny apartment, welcome you home, and talk sweetly to you while you drift off to sleep? And what of the lights-out intimacies implied by the ad? She is a kind of virtual-human Tamagotchi pet. And also a mother figure. Now I feel nauseous.
I’m not sure about the writer’s prediction skills where sex is concerned. Polyamory is still going strong in certain circles here. Lots of skin contact. But maybe not much real intimacy.
Is this a joke? I wouldn’t touch a child, woman, or even a man whom wasn’t a member of my immediate family. I won’t even enter an elevator if there is a single woman alone in it. I wouldn’t hire a woman either. Think ahead and protect yourself and your career down the road...even thirty years down the road. #menotouchtoo
7
I’m 60, widowed, but in a new relationship with a divorced woman my age and having the best sex in years. Don’t let your libido wither on the vine, embrace your sensuality and make time for intimacy. The human body and mind were meant for this!
5
The author seems to miss that online dating actually leads to real dating and therefore touching. And that sexting is usually done before or between actual touching.
There’s a point in there about the loss of touch outside of sexual relationships (hugging etc.) but it’s lost in this weird attempt to claim nobody is having sex.
I met my fiance through online dating. We touch.
I met my girlfriend through online dating
I have seen trends in the "always looking down generation" that indicate that fellow humans will be considered mainly an annoyance, an interruption. If you want to test this for yourself, try asking someone the time or when the next train comes in. Unless you are a knock down beautiful female asking this of a man, the reaction is likely to be, "Ick! Who are you and why are you bothering me?"
The video game generation, those in the age range of 18 to 28, especially males, have passed through the idea that human contact of any sort is bothersome unless it is directly connected to some sort of expected reward. It isn't just the video games or the smartphones, it is burying oneself in them that tends to block out the world and push away the idea that there is anything "out there" worth messing with at all.
Yeah, I am well aware that more than one generation of Americans had much the same worries about early television and the way kids sat, eyes zombie like, staring at kid's shows and cartoons. Back in those olden days, kids still went outside and played, however. Television was competition for time but there weren't kid's shows on 24-7.
It is entirely possible, please don't dismiss it, that we humans have created an online universe that is so seductive and so well tuned to hooking the human brain that social contact will atrophy and blow away. We don't need it!? Maybe we don't. Perhaps we will enter a world where we are each insistently alone and intent on staying that way.
4
We should perhaps post signs at work “Touch at Your Own Risk”.
2
I do not want people to spontaneously touch me. Touch is reserved for people I choose to be intimate with. If I just met you, please do not hug me. I am friendly and warm but touch too often is based on power differentials and assumptions. And any one who works with people who have experienced sexual trauma, you do not touch at all unless you ask permission. Boundaries are a good thing. It doesn’t mean we all don’t want and need touch . It simply meNs we want a say in who touches us.
33
@Anne This is exactly why this article, with its suggestion is so "out of touch" with reality. Most men will not come near a woman, (or another man) let alone touch them, for fear of being accused of assault. Live by the 3-foot rule: stay clear of every human, especially women, by at least 3 feet and you should be safe.
9
@Anne
Good manners to the rescue! When you meet someone for the first time, immediately hold out your hand to shake and say, "I'm pleased to meet you."
15
A while back I read about Seniors being evacuated from their nursing home in the face of severe flooding. One woman had a teddy bear with her. Reading that made me wonder how many others have teddy bears to hold and hug. The need to show affection never seems to end.
4
@Eliza Bee
According to the NYT article "Letter of Recommendation: Stuffed Animals" (December 13, 2018), polls conducted in the US and UK reveal that 40 percent of adults sleep with stuffed animals. I found the comments especially enlightening. Apparently, adults not only hug stuffies but also confide in them, and some couples even play together with their stuffed animals.
2
Um, no. I’m perfectly happy with less touching, especially if I am not the the first toucher. Why ? Because I’m Sixty, and in my younger years had more than the usual quota of leering, suggestive remarks and “ accidental “ brushes of another’s hands. Tall, conventionally attractive, with very large natural Breasts. So of course, I wanted it. NO, I did NOT. From the age of fifteen, I was treated as a sex object, and “ available “.
I’m very glad to be older, and less noticeable. It’s a relief. And, keep your hands off my Daughter and two Granddaughters. There will be consequences. Severe and painful.
Seriously.
8
For a single people such as myself (single for 30 years now) I do not even get the benefit of a hug from a spouse or kind touch of the hand. I grew up in a family of effusive huggers and kissers. My grandmother and aunts could crush you with their hugs. Now I find myself avoiding contact at all costs especially with women. If I meet them whether socially or in business I no longer extend my hand to shake theirs unless they make the first move. I try and keep a safe circle of physical distance. I was in the checkout line at Trader Joes the other day and the woman in the lane that abutted mine was on the rather large size leaving a narrow bit of room in the lane. I accidentally brushed her arm as I moved forward to put my credit card in the machine. If looks could kill I would be dead. I apologized but she continued to sneer at me as if I had just attempted rape.
I personally do not hold out much hope for a "touchy" society, quite the contrary. We have isolated ourselves emotionally with our electronic devices so it is only logical that we should do so physically.
4
I’m detecting a correlation between trend forecasting and reading every magazine known to man.
5
Brilliant! There is so much insight packed into that piece about the oddities of human behavior that I had to read it twice to appreciate all of it.
2
And don't forget using chaperoning as a way to meet and socialize with possible mates.
It’s true that phones and apps get in the way. This article misses the biggest contributor to touch less, sex-less, relationships; partners who both work 70hours a week and have two kids.
4
Speaking only for myself, I can say that it all depends on who's touching me. I don't want strangers touching me in any way other than a handshake. Nor do I want mere acquaintances, even if they are long-time acquaintances, touching me if I don't especially like them. And if someone I positively dislike touches me, or, God forbid, hugs me, I feel, yes, violated.
So Lord save us from any future "trend" that brands me as odd unless I welcome hands wandering over me no matter whose hands they are. Promiscuous touching? No thanks.
5
This article strangely ignores the root cause for the cultural shift related to touch: unwanted touch like sexual harassment and assault. The MeToo movement has put the spotlight on consent with touch. Women would like for men to consider the impact of their touch on them and the signals it can send to them.
The backlash has happened because touch had gotten completely out of hand (no pun intended.) A return to touch would be welcomed when it is offered to women in a respectful manner that emphasizes their consent.
8
As a volunteer at childcare for 5-11yos I tend to say little – if I walk up to, and stand towering over a tiny kid and ask them a question they typically shrug and walk away.
But if I just sit down near them (at their eye level if they’re standing) and say nothing, typically within 30 seconds one will turn to me and start telling me what’s on their mind – and they will keep talking at length very happily !
Typically leaning on me for emphasis as they get into their story.
The other day as this was happening – I had just sat down, a tiny girl had turned to me and launched into her happy tale, and started leaning on me to emphasize her story.
Then I saw the new manager, a tall young active fitness guy, come over and stand close behind her staring down obviously at us like ‘are you touching her !? that’s not allowed’
I could have pulled away and rudely stood up, interrupting her story and left her disturbed in the middle of her story, which might have satisfied his ‘no touching’ rule, but I chose not to, as I felt the happy communication from the tiny girl was more valuable than the negative communication from the new control-freak manager.
This guy also shouts ear-shatteringly loudly in closed rooms (tiny girls came up and told me they HATE it!) to command everyone's attention - as if he’s calling to the other end of a football field – I find quite offensive from a large adult standing just three feet away from tiny children half his height. His words offend!
5
Great article, thank you. As some are pointing out here, it isn't just touching and intimacy that the smartphone generation is missing out on. You could write a book.........but then they wouldn't read it.
1
Thank-You for this Courtney. A male today feels like everyday one is walking through a minefield of "Don`t. say the wrong thing; Don`t look the wrong way; Don`t ever /Ever touch a woman in any way/sort/ or even accidential manner. You have just committed the sin of violating their personal space; punishable by being attacked as some horrible creature who should not be allowed to even breathe the same air as the rest of humanity. LOOK; I get it women do not want to be put in a position of feeling threatened or being made to feel uncomfortable. But to me it has now gotten to the point of pure paranoid absurdity. Simply being a man who(YES) occasionally likes to have or give a hug it seems as if that has become a capital crime. If one has to go through life being scared to have any human physical contact; that is a world that to me (and I am sure a great deal many more) is a world without humanity.
4
@Greg Hodges
Imagine for a moment what it has been like for women historically to go through life trying to dodge male violence, abuse, unwanted attention, and threats of violence. That is the real world "without humanity," the real "minefield." Women have finally reached a moment where they can say, "No more!" If you or any other man is made uncomfortable by treating women with the dignity and respect they deserve and have been deprived of for millennia, well, so be it.
6
What might reactions of members of our species to a perception of over-population look like? Might this be akin to what is happening in Japan?
2
The need for human touch starts at childbirth -- perhaps in the womb. Most all parents hug their children -- until many fathers, traditionally, quit hugging their sons.
I do think the #MeToo movement is crucial, however, in clearly surfacing the abasement and harassment of women -- when touching is NOT a welcome or humane event. Men are still learning what's appropriate and what's not, and it's inevitable that that has bred awkwardness and a self-conscious hands-off mentality.
So with the author I'm hopeful the pendulum will swing back to a healthy hands-on and welcome human-to-human 'touchness.' But make no mistake -- any men who cross boundaries still need their toes stomped (I'm a guy) and their fingers flicked. They've long ruined it for those of us who believe that being alive is about the biological need to reach out and touch someone -- who is genuinely fine with the closeness of another human being.
2
I am always afraid to touch people (women) unless they have touched me first. As a prof. all it takes is one accusation to end my career.
5
Or you could get a massage. I’m a massage therapist, and yeah, people sometimes don’t even know how to receive or respond to my touching them, in places that no one else does in some cases (safe, comfortable, legal places). Get a massage!
5
Human intimacy is a powerful trait, one that deserves to be explored and dare I say, ‘revived’ pronto for the survival of the human race.
No rush. The onslaught of AI romance is but a few billion nanoseconds away.
1
Wasn’t Joe Biden recently advised to keep his arm to himself?
Remember his touching didn’t even fit the definition of an assault on common-variety inappropriate touching.
But it was called creepy and invasion of personal space which let us face it is what all touching is.
When the line of what is inappropriate keeps on shifting, it is logical that most would want to abstain from even the mildest form of intimate contact. It is not a risk worth taking nowadays.
1
This article calls attention to an alarming and pathological trend.
I propose that, in addition to the possible culprits identified, a certain environmental pollutant is de-sexing us.
Many women ingest birth control pills. Birth control pills always, or usually, contain estrogen and/or derivatives of estrogen.
The increased use of estrogen leads to more estrogen in the environment.
The increased estrogen in the environment is emasculating men as demonstrated by a) lower levels of testosterone, b) lower sperm counts and c) increased transgenderism, (I am not assailing transgender people; I am agreeing with them: Their nature is something they have not chosen)
In any event, when more and more men endure a diminution of virility, they may be less likely to have sex.
“Trend forecaster”? That’s a profession? We really have fallen down the rabbit hole, haven’t we.
2
MeToo is about women finally speaking out and fighting back against being abused, humiliated and violated by the men in positions of power over us. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the romantic alienation of the Millennial generation and the downsides of internet dating (in itself a symptom rather than a cause of our problems), and implying women's attempt to liberate ourselves from institutionalized assault is somehow diminishing "intimacy" is ignorant at best and ghoulish at worst.
8
Seems like there are still plenty of babies being born.
1
I did a few forecasting contests for some government agencies. Interesting analysis. Um, I also think people desire to receive warm embraces--and had a dream about this very idea last night. But what can you do if no one wants to embrace you? Dream, I suppose. Keep trying, I guess. Legalize prostitution, eventually. There is truly nothing like lying in your lover's arms, knowing some intimate truth between you.
1
This sounds like good news for Joe Biden if he lives long enough.
1
Working in a group of research analysts over many years, we were frequently wrong but the forecasts seemed plausible to the C-Suite; but since the predictions were five or more years out and “strategic” we’d all taken jobs with other companies when the music stopped. Maybe a few forecasts were accurate out of several dozen, maybe.
So will I take the advice of trend spotters and forecasters? Nah,
I’ll get a puppy from a shelter or buy a roll of Charmin and squeeze it by candlelight.
1
Asking for a friend... how do you know how much of this applies to you if you’ve gotten married in the past 10 years and things have “slowed down” considerably?
Isn’t that kinda par for the course?
Great article. Funny too.
1
We need to touch and be touched. That's why grandparents are so happy around their grandchildren: with their children a few years removed from the snuggling phase they find themselves once more enjoying a pleasure they hadn't quite realized they'd lost.
For the rest of us: get a dog. It really works.
7
To paraphrase AT&T, "Reach and out and touch someone" - literally.
1
Courtney: Big business is way ahead of you. I heard that AT&T is bringing back its old advertising slogan, appropriately updated: "Reach Out and Touch Someone - Literally."
1
I wouldn’t hold my breath thinking that touching will come back anytime soon. Look what happened to Joe Biden.
1
I could use a hug or a night just nestled next to someone kind.
Touch need not be sexual in nature.
For instance, I love getting massages (back and feet especially) and find a therapeutic value in getting them from human hands that I don’t from mechanical versions.
Or there is the power in getting a hug or pat on the shoulder on a tough day that I can’t do justice to with words...
25
@NM
You are an authentic human being. Shout it.
9
There are two kinds of touching. There is intimate or erotic touching and then there is caring touching, such as touching by a parent or a platonic friend. Regardless of whether spontaneous, intimate or erotic touching makes or should make a comeback, we could all use more hugs and touching of the latter variety without having to pay for it.
3
@Jay Orchard
Intimate touching is caring touching multiplied. Caring touching is good.
1
The writer may be getting ahead of themselves getting excited about offering monetized/commercial touch as an intimacy and comfort substitute. Consider that a big reason for our mass physical and emotional withdrawal is increasing mistrust, especially justifiable mistrust of transactional relationships of all kinds. Plus the global internet has revealed a lot of bad news at once about the behavior of our fellow human beings. The fearfully bad behaviors and exploitation are real and painful. Trust rebuilding will be difficult when honesty, integrity, loyalty, humility, innocence, have lost their strength and value without the practical ability to trust. It may be personal life expansion into wider networks of strangers who have no stake in our mutual wellbeing has revealed and grown the mistrust between people. Too often basic civilities, fairness and trust necessary for intimacy are undermined as exploitable weakness. Clear eyed re-evaluation of much of the past and more public education about hair trigger reactive and automatic racism, misogyny and predatory forms of capitalism are required before the necessary sense of shared values and basic trust can live more fully. If some businesses get rich in the meantime selling big hugs, it will not solve the growing problem of “what’s in this for me” attitudes that are growing wilder than ever.
1
And then, there’s Tango! A step (or two) beyond the Viennese waltz. And no chaperones.
3
Several years ago I learned of Cuddle Sleepover/Slumber parties for adults. Everyone pays the fee and cuddles with someone together all night. (Not sure I would want to be the one that nobody wanted to cuddle with.) Anyway, they were big in Canada, but just a couple of major American cities offered them. I found the idea ludicrous at first, then realized they were on to a need not formerly recognized.
3
Great article. As an editor by profession, I find this article well-conceived, convincingly researched and very well written.
This is why I read the Times. Thank you!
2
A culture where touch as a spontaneous expression of friendship or affection is frowned upon is truly crippled. I mainly notice this deficiency in angloamerican cultures that have been damaged by Puritanism. On the European continent we have much less of this sickness.
12
@heinrichz this is not only an angloamerican culture issue - there are other cultures such as Japan were public displays of affection are highly discouraged.
1
loved this, thanks so much--so true!
1
I have observed trends all my long life and have yet to see even a miniscule amount of truth out of these folks. They used to be called "futurists" and made millions off books and ill informed predictions. I will stick with Astrology. It is more correct most of the time and more fun.
6
people who use Kcups and other one-time-use items do not fret about the environment. that is the issue!
6
I think first of all the current existing generations are simply having to reconcile with the fact that humankind has long been sexually abusing our children and adults for a long time. Hopefully with an understanding of the life-long trauma that may occur as a result and better protections in place we can return in the future to an agreed-upon idea of the proper barriers in physical intimacy.
On the other side, I know that a tremendous lack of touch as a child and young adult - either from my family, friends or early girlfriends - has caused me to still feel very awkward towards initiating it, even as a much older adult. It is especially more difficult territory to navigate when sexual impulses come into play. For example, as a sympathizer of #MeToo, I will ask first for anything I might do, but I have often been surprised when the reply is a "No", in light of what has already been a "Yes" for the same person. Such a moment not only leaves me in an sexually cautious state of mind; but also leaves me wondering if the objected act is perhaps associated to a moment of abuse in my partner's history, a dark place she would not want to revisit.
With these two extremes in place, human beings are aching for a middle ground. It will likely not be something we can solve with the latest trend.
5
The problem isn’t all the apps people are quitting in droves as Facebook would have us believe when declaring we now have a “teen problem”. The problem is all the apps people joined without thinking through whether it was really important to their lives. Most, if not all these fad apps are a complete waste of time and a diversion from what’s important in life. Anyone who chooses to spend time on their phone or tablet instead of having a face-to-face conversation with a friend over coffee isn’t alive anymore.
12
or, maybe, sometimes we choose to use our communication devices to stay in touch with friends and family who live far away and therefore cannot simply be summoned to the coffee shop in a puff of self righteous nostalgia.
6
Maybe I was born touchy-feely—I know my cold, mean-spirited mother didn’t raise me that way. But touch is such an essential part of my life I cannot fathom the loneliness of living without it.
From the time she was born my daughter was in my arms, on my lap, snuggled up to read a book. My grandchildren the same. When the two I see most seldom (technically my stepgrands but still always and forever mine) were last here, they threw themselves onto my lap and we sat snuggled for the longest time, no one saying a word, just infusing the touch we had missed—and the love that came with it.
My husband and I are in almost constant physical contact, even in public when we are reduced to a quick handsqueeze or a toe caress of a shin under the table. We fall asleep in each other’s arms and wake up that way. We defy the intimacy trends and were frankly astounded when we read about them. Like other southerners in my dinosaur generation, I hug my friends and extended family in greeting and parting—even the Trumpists (unless they are vocal). And I extend my hand to acquaintances and business associates.
As a woman and an employment lawyer I totally get and support the pullback of touch in the workplace, in school and between those where its welcomeness is not fully known. But between family, friends, partners? What has happened to us as when touch is a thing of the past between loved ones? Are we so wrapped up in our individuality we don’t even want to touch each other?
25
@Steel Magnolia, how long did you wait before telling your future spouse that you were an employment lawyer?
1
There are, of course, cultures that are far more "touchy" than Americans. In Italy, where I currently live, it's not unusual for men to be arm-in-arm in public or give cheek kisses (to both men and women) or to give each other a big hug.
One other thing: I think every single teenager should take ballroom dancing lessons. There's nothing more fun than being with the opposite gender in a physical activity that challenges your mind and body and give you a sense of accomplishment.
13
Interesting read - thank you. One minor correction, though: as a college professor, I can't think of any faculty handbook (or unwritten but enforced social rule) that requires only male professors to keep their doors half open with only their female students. The "don't completely close your door" rule applies to all professors and all students, regardless of their gender combination.
18
@Soup
Yeah -- I noticed that, too. I know I keep the door open unless the student wants to talk about some private issue, or unless something very noisy is going on out in the hallway. It's just common sense.
4
@Soup: Indeed, we in academia have all become very cautious, even wary. I teach in a discipline (theatre performance) where physical proximity and touch, for instance during rehearsals, used to be common both among students and between students and the faculty directing them. (You can't represent adequately the fraught intimacies of human drama without touch.) But now, permission has to be given explicitly. Perhaps that is as it should be; some people no doubt abused the privilege. In the wider theatre world professional productions now routinely engage "intimacy directors" trained to manage any moments involving sensuality or sex. Signs of the times.
1
Missing from this article is the importance of therapy animals in meeting the need for touch. I have seen children, individuals on the autism spectrum, and the elderly benefit greatly from petting therapy dogs. This seems so simple but can have profound impact on people who are fearful, have sensory issues, or are just lonely. Human touch is critical, but therapy animals can be an important stand in or bridge to more meaningful touch.
16
We live in a world of pendulum swings. My kids search my closets for old clothes I used to wear in high school in the late 1970's--because they are all the rage again! Wall Street types look for beat-up stocks with strong fundamentals because, eventually, they will return to favor.
The difference with "intimacy" is that often intimacy between a man and a woman is a dubious area, fraught with risk, delight, wonderment and questions. It's confusing and contextual, especially for young people. A friend once said that when a (straight) man and woman are truly friends, one of them wants it to be something more.
But if you break the rules today, you can be thrown out of college, lose your job or be prosecuted for a crime. If the author missed a fashion trend, well, nothing happened. If a man misreads what he thinks is an invitation, he can be labeled a sexual assaulter.
I don't see #Metoo as a "fad" that is going to retrench, as the author seems to. Thinking about it that way, like it is some kind of Twitter trend line, insults the movement and the women in it.
That being said, I mourn the loss of platonic intimacy that the movement has helped to generate. "Normal" men are worried about being accused, so they retrench and make no moves until there is 100% certainty of ascent. That is the safest thing to do. But also the most limiting to our human nature.
27
@Jack Sonville
Re "100 percent certainty of ascent"
ascent - a climb or walk to the summit of a mountain or hill
assent - to agree to something
3
@Ellen Freilich
Sorry Ellen. Misspell. First time that every happened in the NYT comment section :)
3
Perhaps Google or another tech company will develop a “Touch” app, that through sensors will monitor a person’s mood and signal to the world if a person if approachable or not.
Of course users will need to read the fine print of the disclaimers and privacy rights, but after that, the user discretion is advised....
4
It's a strange world in which we hug and caress our pets but are afraid of getting intimately close to other people, especially to those of opposite sexes. This doesn't seem normal and hopefully we will find a way back to more balanced and normal relationships.
21
I agree with the author and with many of the comments here . To me hugging someone means feeling warmly towards them. Especially when you haven’t seen them for a long time. With our multicultural cities and towns and workplaces you have to be very aware of how others view a warm hug or an extended hand when meeting someone for the first time and after a long time not seeing them especially if you worked with them. Thanks for the comments that are here
7
Such a great article. An important topic, presented with wonderful humor.
BTW dogs still like it if you touch them. I see a trend.
16
I agree about dogs and am a dog owner myself, but this is not a real surrogate for human relations. There is none of the give and take of a real human relationship, only a one way street of total dependency
11
@Ethical Realist cats still require permission because cats
2
This article avoided discussion about touching children and I feel that our society has demonized any behavior that involves physical contact with any child not your own. I’ve worked with young children for many years and recognize that I stopped touching children, even patting a shoulder for support in order to protect myself from allegations of impropriety. The willingness to touch and receive touch starts very early and is reinforced, or not as the child grows. By the time we’ve reached adulthood the patterns of response to another persons touch can be well settled. I miss holding sticky little hands and the spontaneous joy in a child’s hug.
43
@Terri Yenco
Yes, being touched by other humans is a basic part of normal child development, and damage can also be done if touch is always withheld.
No one should be thinking about sex when touching children or touching them in sexual or sensitive areas, and you should be familiar with the particular child's personality and sensitivity to touch, but just never touching children is an over-reaction.
The problem of adults sexually abusing students is real, but the problem of children being deprived of the contact they need to develop healthily is also real and growing.
We need a healthy balance.
15
@Terri Yenco thanks for this comment. I find that a simple high-5 or fist-pump to a child who has done something special is always well-received.
4
@Terri Yenco Agreed. I recently left teaching, but when I taught elementary school I would give fist bumps and high-fives, but never hugs or pats. Being accused of impropriety is just not worth it.
4
Have any studies been done on the proportions of various cultural or racial groups of their relative shares of people who do NOT care to be touched at all?
Having been around abject non-touchers, I am amazed at the differing ways people exhibit affinities and aversions to both touching and being touched.
I know young adults who literally haven't touched a parent or sibling since before they started school, and others for whom the day never really starts until they touch or get touched by others in the home.
13
@The Observer this is a good point. Not all people welcome touch - there is a wide variety of preferences, and that includes cultural.
Not wanting to be touched is not a bad thing. Preferences need to be respected and cultural norms need to be understood, and signals need to be interpreted before proceeding to touching.
6
I hug when I can with friends. I ask first if I am not sure. And I go to a 12 step group, Alanon, where there is a lot of hugging after meetings. This article helped me realize how getting and giving hugs is a big part of my life. I don’t usually think about it or put words to it. It feels so basic to life.
11
Is it really about touching? The whole story is perhaps that we have begun to avoid any kind of intimacy. This is not because we don't need or desire it any longer, but because it could be abused - we may find it difficult to trust people who could have turned on some Internet bug such as "Alexa" or be recording a meeting on their mobile phone.
However, the most significant change is that any accusation of improper conduct can easily be spread via the Internet - even when the parties involved have not actually met. In our day and age there can indeed be smoke without fire. No witnesses? No problem, I know someone who'll confirm your alleged impropriety ...
8
To paraphrase a famous comment on a related subject, the complaints tend to be 1) not enough touching, and 2) too much touching.
12
@Ned Reif
That is why life is about finding a healthy balance.
Aristotle said something like, do everything in the right amount, at the right time, for the right reasons, in the right place, with the right people. The only one that can know the right balance is you. Of course when it comes to touching others, their view of the right balance is at least as important.
Touching people for the right reasons is one of the most important elements. A touch on the shoulder can mean different things and creepy is hard to hide. Intent matters in life, the law, and when exercising power (especially in the presidency).
Real morality is a skill that must be practiced. You can get guidance from others and books but if you always let other people, or religions make your moral decisions for you, you are not practicing morality and you will never get good at it.
The subject of touching is a "touchy" one for this male here in Italy, where hugging is common among all genders. One needs to be sensitive to body signals that reveal the "feel" the upcoming hug is to take - i.e. hearty, erotic, consoling, and etc. A woman may slightly step back, lean forward and present just her shoulders for a "brush-off" hug, may offer a full body embrace for a slight duration and a final squeeze, or anything between. Still, it's great to be in a culture where being physical is part of public life.
27
There is nothing to debate. From the time we are born, we need human touch. As an infant, without it, there is a failure to thrive which can lead to death. A harsh reality, indeed. I grew up at a time with no smart phones, and even our daughters were likewise blessed. We laughed, kissed, hugged, and held hands. Our hearts were full. We knew the difference between what is appropriate and what is not. And sexual intimacy between two lovers in the true sense of the word was and remains transcendent. Human contact is a necessity in life, and more than that it brings us happiness and fulfillment.
26
The author provides a fantastic interpretation of what I observe around me, well done!!! I appreciate your take and the humor that you deliver it with.
12
To appreciate the need for human touch try this: Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin
by Ashley Montagu,
Jeanne Montague
5
@Alan Thanks. I'm now reading Ashley Montagu and loving it.
1
I have to say, when the Craigslist personal ad section was eliminated, my access to being touched went WAY down. I have not found a substitute. That little move, for legal reasons I'm told, just eliminated a huge community of people in many areas of the country and perhaps the world.
14
I wonder what the effects of this no-touch scenarios are on people's neuro and endocrine functioning? Good, loving touch is essential for human physical and psychological health (via bonding hormones that reduce stress), and critical for healthy child development (remember horrible Harlow's terrible baby monkey experiments?)
So, what is this touchless society going to do to physical and mental health?
11
@S Americans don't touch. they have a problem with physical contact. I work in an art related environment, I hear and have lunch with these women who have such a high pitched loud voice that I cannot not think that they suppress everything physical below their diaphragm.
If you sing or know how the voice depth comes from, you know it is from the lower abdomen near the sexual zone and women who have a loud heady voice have forclosed their sexual expression.
I have lunch with people sometimes and it is embarrassing because they talk so loud that everybody on the floor hears them and I was educated in the French manner where it is not polite to speak louder than what infringes the privacy of the other tables.
Would I sound antiquated if I recommended that they get out from behind their digital walls and get to the nearest bar. It worked marvelously from the end of prohibition to the end of the last century.
20
@Rick Gage
Bars? A terrible way to meet people unless the object is some sort of immediate entwining of flesh to be forgotten by the next evening.
1
@Rick Gage Plus, you can sometimes note who's probably already had their share of booze, or are packing heat.
1
@Rick Gage
You are encouraging alcohol consumption for intimacy?
For those who are autistic intimacy is a touchy subject. Several years ago, when I was an ICU nurse, I cared for a patient who suffered from leukemia. She was about thirty years old. She had given birth to her only child shortly before her diagnosis. Things weren't going well when she was my patient. She was up and down, up and down. She could not stay still. Existential anguish. Nothing the doctor had ordered was doing any good. So I got her out of bed. I sat her on the couch by the window. I wrapped a blanket around her shoulders, and put my arm around the blanket, and I rocked her to sleep. It worked.
Then a voice boomed from the speaker in the room that night. It was the monitor tech. "Your other patient needs you."
39
I’ll cite two examples of how important any touch is, can be but also so fraught with consequences.
We had a code (cardiac arrest) on a new patient, young strapping fellow. Nothing we did, worked. After talking to the bawling family at length about autopsy to figure out the cause, I came back to the ICU- my nurse charge (she’d done the code with me), saw my face, just came over and hugged me, that I’m-not-letting-you-go kind of a hug. Since then, we've an empathy that transcends words, as close to being family without being one.
The other is of a colleague of mine, great friend, someone I went out of my way to befriend. It’s rare for me to seek friendships. He had been in special forces before becoming a physician and I had insight into his psyche. A silent rawness inside which he hid well. When I was leaving the area, he was exceptionally quiet; a close friend’s silence bothered me. We talked and he said, do what is best for you. I hadn’t realize my leaving would cause such anguish. I do this “fragile hug” rarely (as my sibling calls it), wrap an arm around others shoulders and lightly touch cheek to cheek— but keeping bodies apart. He, in that moment pulled me tight against his chest: he had never done that before!
I knew his desire for me then. I disengaged, didn’t even look, said bye, walked away, and have stayed away. Those barely few seconds of being crushed to his chest told me more than 6 years’ worth of working together.
A moment, a touch.
9
@Ash. I don’t know, I wasn’t there and have never met either one of you, but maybe his hug wasn’t about desire, maybe it was just his way of showing you that you did indeed “get” him and he appreciated that. Veterans and first responders and others who have experienced extreme stress often have trouble verbalizing their feelings. Maybe this was his way of saying thank you.
37
@Jill
You may be correct, but it is important that people trust their gut. If Ash got a bad feeling from that hug, it is more than likely that there was a good reason for that bad feeling. If you see someone close to you clearly misreading a situation this kind of advise can be good, but without a lot more information than is in this post, it is more dangerous to ask people to doubt their own instincts.
3
Weird. Get him. Not sure you made sense, but I'm listening!
There is so much truth here. I was a manager in a large organization for many years. Touch and warmth were trained out of me over the years and I accepted that as the way business had to be done. Even if I sometimes felt that a degree of personal warmth and the right kind of touch might be good for the the employee and even organization in the right circumstances. The me too movement came later, and seemed to validate all of that training.
The funny thing is that, in recent years, women in the workplace who knew me well, and who trusted me, let me know that a little more warmth and humanness would be appreciated. Not at all in a sexual or romantic sense. For example, after an office get-together, they offered a hug or kiss on the cheek, as I stretched out my arm to shake hands.
This pendulum has swung far to one side in our culture. Not so much in many other cultures, by the way. It's just a matter of time before it swings back - I hope to someplace in the middle, where there is space for warmth and, yes, even touching that does not threaten and may even benefit. The laws of physics being what they are, I wouldn't surprised at all if this happens sooner rather than later. Even as the me too movement's impact still seems very fresh.
16
@doug I do research in a big international art collection/museum place . In the middle of summer I see these young women wearing opaque tights . Thick dark stockings in summer .
And boots ...
Dear Ms. Maum:
We are writing in hopes of informing you of the dangers of forecasting the future of anything, not just fashion or even intimacy, when there are important details of what you seek to evaluate entirely missing from your view.
Fashion is, in part, about certain fundamental elements of human mating behavior, in particular the co-selected traits that mirror the abstract traits indicative of one’s aptitude for nurturing behavior. These co-selected traits serve as the basis of our perception of beauty and attractiveness in those around us; they trigger an innate human capability that serves to evaluate a person’s position in a natural status hierarchy. The higher the status, the better at nurturing, and the more attractive the perception of the co-selected, externally visible tell-tale traits.
The status evaluator makes a decision in two to three seconds, almost immediately upon noticing another person. The evaluation is seldom wrong, almost never changed, and persistently uniform.
And, as it’s the basis of selection of a mate, it’s implicated in both fashion and intimacy. What’s more, there are two methods of using status, and you (and everybody else, too) are stuck with an evolutionary blind spot, a mechanism that nature provides to hide the differences between the two.
The issues with touching you cite are a reaction to only one of the human mating strategies. It’s an entirely appropriate response; predicting it’s future requires seeing why it arose.
—T&K
5
@Tom and Kay Rogers - 'The higher the status, the better at nurturing, and the more attractive the perception of the co-selected, externally visible tell-tale traits'
guess that explains why type-A high achievers have queues of willing mates ready to jump their bones
but I doubt that 'nurturing' is the correct word to describe the highest status most attractive individuals who often seem to fail to satisfy a single long-term mate as they have so many available contenders for their interest.
Rich old men may attract beautiful young women, but I doubt that is described as 'nurturing' - more likely he wants sex and she wants money honey ...
3
Tom & Kay :). Why would I not be surprised to learn you two are selling a 'book' on Amazon espousing your extensively footnoted theory for $2.99?
I've been writing about and researching the topic of platonic touch (or nurturing human touch, as I prefer to call it) for the past several years. We're both touch-starved AND we have too much unwanted touch. One of the biggest culprits is that we don't separate touch from sex. With nearly half of Americans single right now, this leaves a lot of us out of the equation. And being in a relationship doesn't guarantee that you will get your touch needs met; lots of touch-hungry married people out there too.
While many people are horrified at the idea of professional cuddlers, we also underutilize a great resource for touch: our friends. We don't touch them (beyond a hug hello or goodbye) for fear of rejection, or having our intentions misconstrued. There are few options for single folks.
I got out of a long-term relationship a couple of years ago and stopped dating, and my physical and emotional health has suffered. I miss sex like crazy, but I miss being touched tenderly even more so. My critters are nice, but it's not the same.
Consensual touch makes people feel good. Just a couple of minutes, and people are smiling and laughing. They use words like calm, relaxed, grounded, blissful, and peaceful to describe how they feel. I think the world could use a whole lot more of that. I hope that we can reframe it as an issue of health and wellness, and make it more acceptable. Our survival may depend on it.
49
If you begin by separating all of your examples into two buckets, one for the examples of touch that are inherently nurturing, the other for the examples that give you any sort of negative feeling, you will have a good start on sorting out what’s behind the contradictory nature of the experiences you describe.
The next step is to embrace the apparent contradiction (it’s not an illusion). Understanding how such contradictory experiences can arise requires exploring the nature of your own perception of reality; at the root, your picture of the gestalt cultural experience of touching behavior has to be evolving, or it’s not possible to explain why you see a problem now that didn’t appear obvious yesterday, metaphorically speaking.
What we’re suggesting is that you have at least two leaps of faith necessary before you can begin to correctly categorize your own thoughts about the subject you seek to understand. That’s not hyperbole; we’ve been at this for half a century, and the biggest challenge has repeatedly been doing the dog work necessary to vet the seemingly bizarre assumptions occasionally required to make sense of some aspect of our data.
Those assumptions quickly lose their bizarre charm, once we can understand how they fit the bigger picture, and most of the basis of our theoretical framework seems almost mundane to us now. But it’s still new; others trying to understand their own version of our original data set are still in for a similar ride.
Have fun. —T&K
2
@M.C. Otter Do you know why there is 8 times more violent crime per capita in the USA than the European average ?
Also 8 times higher incarceration rate than Europe .
@M.C. Otter
If it’s not about sex then why don’t lonely men create cuddling groups and cuddle each other ?
2
Thanks to the author for such a bold statement. I'm a 70 year old heterosexual man who began dancing Argentine tango in his late 50's. My wife of 41 years also dances, and we dance with different partners for the most of the night. The ideal tango embrace is suffused with a sensuality and connection that is, appropriately, devoid of sexuality. And tango as a Latin dance is accompanied by a lot of hugging at greetings and goodbyes. As a physician who is somewhat of an introvert, I learned early on that touching a patient is an important part of the therapeutic interaction. I have fortunately been rewarded for making the effort. The dance experience has enhanced my appreciation of the importance and the techniques of human physical contact, including judging boundaries. I feel sorry for the many commenters who are conflicted and uncertain about this subject, and I feel sorry for the many as well who have been victimized by ignorance of it.
51
Touch, hugging, sex - these are all natural and hard wired desires for many of us.
Sadly, some of us seem to go a long time with any kind of touching - especially when we are single. Occasionally I’ll get a massage and it’s wonderful, therapeutic and healing. It would be nice if some kind of touch therapy, like massage, was covered by more medical policies. I believe people who experienced more massage would have less stress and feel less isolated.
16
@CA
retired AMA attorney F/70
Therapeutic massage is covered by most health insurers, but only when linked to medically-necessary Physical Therapy/PT with specific injuries and diagnoses. My really good close-to-retirement age PT has a full-time licensed massage therapist who accepts self-pay individuals for head/neck upper back and shoulders and carpal tunnel or injured arms and wrists. $85/hr is workable for some and impossible for others, e.g., the 40% of Americans who do not have $400 to cover an emergency.
Men and women who use this therapist's services are in a hospital-style gown that is open back and tied at the neck. Any and I mean any signal of off-color or sexual content and this woman gives these people the boot. In two languages! Also adds them to the website where bad-actors are identified for all other therapists.
5
I’m aware that for certain situations it is covered. Those are relatively limited.
Unfortunately there is not coverage for loneliness, despair, anger and a host of other things that are covered by psychologists or drugs, but do plague our western civilization.
6
We need a new age guru to explain why tactile contact is crucial for human development, relaxation, contentment and productivity. Then we open up Tactile Touching Clubs where people get together and touch each other all over except for upper leg, private parts, seat, mouth, eyes, nose and hair.
6
@Bruce Egert very much like the "the artificial extended family" in Kurt Vonnegut's "Slapstick."
@Bruce Egert
How about toes.
1
@Bruce Egert , sign up online. :)
Although I wholeheartedly agree that a return to spontaneous, non-internet-mediated human interaction and the luxury of an unexpected, non-suspicion-raising, tender touch between two people who are mutually attracted (and what was wrong with the old get tipsy in a bar, go home with someone interesting, and decide in the morning if you want to continue seeing that person approach to dating?! :) ), I don't know that the screen-obsessed era is COMPLETELY at fault (maybe mostly).
I think it's also an American thing. In the 1970's, when I was a teenager, my mother took me to Spain, where we became close to a Spanish, a Moroccan, and a French family. It was a revelation to me how naturally and tenderly physical people were with each other--girlfriends holding hands, teenagers arm-in-arm with their parents, etc. The French father even remarked to my mother how uncomfortable I seemed with a friendly touch, even though I quickly learned to enjoy it, and missed it when we went back home to western PA.
Yes, some touching is intrusive and inappropriate. But how can people learn to read each other's signals and respond appropriately with their faces glued to their phones? I wonder if that's had as much of a chilling effect overseas.
14
@NGB acceptance of touching is culturally based. When I lived in Japan touching was taboo in public, so was public displays of affection and a display of emotion. Then I moved to Greece, where the culture is quite different and displays of emotions and physical touching seemed more acceptable.
22
@NGB
F/70
And I alone to Europe train riding at 17 right out of anal-retentive Bible-Belt IN high school. Life-altering for same sex and hetero young adult partners during and after college years here. Those who became partners for months to years trusting my report that European normal is the only way to live!
Right now, I repeat to all at all ages what I heard from my favorite not-really-Catholic uncle right out of college and facing new realities with being the first-woman-ever to do many jobs: "Anyone who arbitrarily leaves out half the human race for their love is crazy!?
Find those partners at work? Sure. Keep those partners safe from dark and judgmental jerks, including family members? Always all ways.
I took one of the popular “love language” quizzes and found touch is the least of my love language preferences. I’m also an introvert who doesn’t typically welcome physical contact. But even I appreciate that people experience a feeling of wellbeing when we experience the safe touch of another person, be it with a romantic partner or a new business acquaintance we shake hands with. Among telecommuting, online and long-distance dating, and the otherwise worthwhile efforts to respect each other’s physical boundaries, I’m afraid we’ve lost sight of how important this human connection is.
10
"Bowling Alone" redux.
These days it is not so much that we do not do things together, but the recent twist on that dystopia is that even when we do things "together" we do nor really do things together in an intimate direct sense.
I saw an ad where a mother says to her young daughter, "Ok, put that thing [a phone] away, let's have some fun." The kid sighs in mildly exaggerated exasperation.
The ad then jumped to the mother *using her phone* to buy movie tickets and the ad closes to mother and daughter .... staring together at a screen.
I'll just leave it at that.
48
Better late than never.
And thanks for having the courage to write this, Ms. Maum!
Not sure how this would’ve been received, if a straight male had expressed similar sentiments, especially in the current ‘hypersensitive’ climate.
26
@ReasonableOne
Which points to a problem, in and of itself, methinks, if not multiple problems.
@Bratschegirl
Certainly, our society, as a whole, has a long way to go for both sexes.
Just like not all men are ‘creeps’ or worse and thus should not be castigated as such, no two women are the same (i’m Sure) as their opinions and attitudes vary on the subject matter, at hand.
For the survival of the human race, let’s learn to respect and love another again and enjoy each other’s company in all its touchy, feely form, consensually.
1
@Bratschegirl I love the Proustian sentence.
In my house we are watching Grey's Anatomy for the first time - from the beginning. Season One is full of attractive intelligent women finding physical (perhaps emotional) partners among their attractive intelligent teachers. My wife sees this as inappropriate exploitation of the female students, I see it as women deciding for themselves how to live their lives.
My conclusion?
The idea of the independent, liberated woman exerting sexual self-determination has been recast as a male fantasy of availability: the assumption that women want what the men want women to want ...
So - liberation has been replaced by suspicion, and the touch is an intrusion. Watch the birthrate decline.
29
@Gerard When reproduction is based on coercion, the birthrate doesn't deserve to exist. The only decent reproduction is that which is freely chosen by each individual woman, who has a range of realistic options, and society, including "the economy" decently compensate her for the brutal and dangerous work of creating the next generation.
7
@Gerard good, the birthrate should decline if women are forced to bear children not under their own volition.
Education helps birthrates decline. Women get to see themselves as more than baby making factories and servants to a household, that that is a good thing for women all over the world.
5
@Gerard I completely agree. And the weirdest part is that wanting at all has become maligned: taboo in men, weakness in women. Isn’t the whole point that we are generally desirous? Isn’t happiness the most important thing? Who cares how we get there? But now you see plots - TV, film, whatever - criticised when women end up with men, as though there’s something retrograde about the most natural thing of all. Such a poisonous atmosphere.
2
When I was in ed school, about 40 years ago, one of my professors both advocated and practiced, with us, touching as a form of connection with students. There was no hint of sexuality about this.
Much more recently, after a career teaching high school and university students, I spent a decade volunteering at an elementary school. I routinely touched kids. Just once, a kid asked me politely not to touch him, and of course I honored that (although later, I'm pleased to say, he trusted me enough to touch and be touched). But toward the end, the /adults/ made a big fuss about my breaking boundaries, not just touching kids, but playing with them at recess (instead of being an aloof supervisor) and, worst of all, photographing them at play. (No, I did not post photos online. I don't have a Facebook or an Instagram account. I'm a privacy fanatic.) The fact that I'm male made the adults especially nervous. That's why I'm not volunteering at that school any more. (Rereading that sentence, I realize it's ambiguous. To clarify, I just stopped. I wasn't banned.)
Today's kids are taught to be afraid. They're told to be afraid of the Internet, afraid of touch, afraid of global warming. (In all of those cases, yes, there is a real problem underlying that teaching. Even when I was a kid, while dinosaurs roamed the earth, we were taught not to take candy from strangers. But today kids are taught to be more afraid than the danger warrants, in my humble opinion.)
90
@Brian Harvey - knowhatyoursayin' Brian ...
OMG 'might not be safe!' panic leading to 'no touch' policies for educators - can lead to incorrigible behaviour from troublemaker students provoking teachers with 'you're not allowed to touch me' - yeah that's lovely ...
but from my observations, if adults are not allowed to touch students, I see lots of teenagers hugging as a form of greeting, and who knows what goes on behind closed doors with Tinder, so I figure young people are probably getting the touch they need ...
1
As impossible as it seems, I can keep my hands to myself in professional settings and at social gatherings and still manage to have plenty of physical intimacy when I get home to my partner.
17
I fervently hope that intimacy will become normal again. It is the blight of my life (and I’m sure many others) that my young-adult years have coincided with this sanctimonious and uptight decade of moral panic. Maybe women will even remember that they quite liked men in the first place. Too late for me, but it would certainly be nice in general.
49
It’s never too late !
1
Thank you Courtney Maum for exploring such a difficult subject. As a father of 3 young adults, I often worry that they are missing out on social skills that I grew up experiencing. Lunchtime dancing in High School, spin-the-bottle, holding hands with your friends of the opposite sex have now become obsolete. I acknowledge that times have changed and we live in a very different world now. But there are some things that are missing today that helped to create a link between generations.......some of us no longer pass the torch to our children......and that is a sad state of affairs for our future as a country.
19
I love touching and being touched. I wish I had a partner to be with.
55
@Gazbo Fernandez
Ever heard of Cuddle Parties? The idea sounds weird, but just try one. It's not creepy, I promise
@Gazbo Fernandez
Make certain your partner is the 'touchy-feely' type. Some are not.
1
As a public educator, I can tell you that there is quite an aversion to physical contact unless it is combative, planned or spontaneous. Even physical proximity is an issue. I cannot tell you how many times I've been told "you're in my bubble" by students. Parents are transmitting their fears about child predation along with school administrators to the point where any form of physical interaction is perceived as unhealthy. As a student we learned to dance as way of learning various cultures: minuets, tarantella, square-dancing, et cetera. We were encouraged to hold hands. Now, if you hold someone's hand, the first thing you want to do is use hand cleaner. The obvious message is that human contact is dangerous which seems to forget, ignore or deny eons of behavior. Of course this provides a partial explanation of pornography were we can watch people touching each other without doing so ourselves which avoids the inconvenience of having to use hand sanitizer for all those hard to reach places.
78
I just can't imagine exchanging hugs in a business setting with anyone in this brave new world!
13
@Jay Mack
I frequently exchanged hugs will other female colleagues but would not feel comfortable being hugged by a male co-worker. It’s unfortunate that too many men use hugs as opportunities to cop a feel and so women are understandably wary.
15
And that is the problem. Assume every man is a predator and you will scare us away for good.
2
@Jay Mack...yes, it’s just too dangerous.
Thanks for this astute, funny and touching piece. Whrn my wife and I were in France last month, we marvelled at how much touching, kissing and apparent intimacy there is out on the street. In Italy, many male friends in small towns stroll around holding hands. Our American focus on career and money has taken the place of intimacy and simple, friendly touching. (I represent women in sexual harassment cases, and I know the difference.)
25
@Jonathan Ben-Asher acceptable touching varies widely from culture to culture. In Japan there is little to no touching, even between lovers (relative to France and Italy). Public displays of affection are frowned upon in some cultures. This is not solely an American focus.
13
I agree - and look at the British and Germans vs Southern Europeans. It's also reflected in studies of how far apart people in various cultures stand when conversing, and how much they touch each other in conversations.
6
@Jonathan Ben-Asher Ugh, not this materialist indictment again. Americans need to stop blaming each other for trying to live their lives and start blaming bosses for not paying them enough.
I'm an academic, who's taught both at universities with privileged white student bodies and at a maximum security prison for women and an urban community college. In the latter two places, touching, especially hugging, remains commonplace. Screen-obsession has certainly decreased "carbon contact" for many, but different cultures and socioeconomic classes respond to this trend in a variety of ways: some people are more in contact with their family and friends because of their Smartphones, still managing, as they do, to find time to do lots of hugging and friendly touching. In a different vein, I've noticed that folks generally don't navigate physical space--and bodies--in the same way their elders do/did. I see this on the road and in other aspects of daily life: people in line stand very close to me and drive very close to my bumper. They're louder than they used to be, due, I think, to hearing loss from constantly being wired. And they're far more willing to broadcast their life dramas and traumas in public by not only intoning their narratives on the phone but also putting their interlocutors on speaker phone so that everyone in the vicinity hears their conversations. Perhaps all of the unwanted closeness and loudness I find myself experiencing from others could be their crude "cry for help," a desire to touch or be touched without knowing how to ask for it. Then again, I'm probably a hothouse flower who's too sensitive to crowds and noise. [sic.]
27
@Sarah "Carbon contact." Love!
I run a legal, consent-based escort agency in New Zealand, and I can tell you—in my professional capacity as a Madam—that sex is only a small part of the service we offer. Clients come to us for human touch, kindness, and intimacy. I frequently tell people that we don’t sell sex, we treat loneliness. And there’s plenty of that to go around.
193
@Antonia Murphy Amen! And thanks for having the courage to write this because it is very true. Your profession is essential for many men who have little contact with women for various reasons. As long as no one is being hurt, I see no reason why this profession has to be so looked upon with negativity. I see someone here locally- she treats me like a friend and is compensated with BOTH money and my company.
19
@Antonia Murphy, if they want genuine human interaction that's not paid for, send them to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where I live. We are real folks here and we actually touch each other without thinking about it - GASP!
3
Why just men? This could significantly help women’s sexual satisfaction and need for sensuality as well
3
"...I think we’ll see touch-deprivation check-in spots in public wellness centers where patients can go to be embraced. Executives will enroll in body language clinics ..."
Yep. Intimacy will become progressively more commercialized. It's the free-enterprise way.
18
I don't know what the devil you're talking about. What kind of generation has these problems? Were they raised in solitary confinement? Didn't their mother's snuggle with them? How can they not like being touched?
I think that the problem you're talking about here relates to a generation that relies too much on what others tell them. David Reisman, in his seminal work, 'The Lonely Crowd,' and 'Faces in the Crowd,' described three personality types, the tradition directed, the other directed, and the inner directed. The other directed seems to predominate today in America. Everyone seems to be looking at what others are doing in connecting with other people. This, I believe, results in the waves of loneliness that is pervasive among America's youth.
It may be time for young people to determine what their values are and follow their own lead. Computer everything is probably as dead an end as Dedacaphony was in music.
People need to express themselves openly with with a few constraints as possible.
It will take a bit of doing to get where people are natural with themselves because the personal is so political in America today. I can understand the writer who wrote that in his country no one really understands the positions being taken by America's youth. I don't understand it either.'
8
As an unabashed fan of physical touch, I think this essay raises an important concern. Of course, intimacy is more than touch (prolonged eye contact, I’m looking at you). I respect that individuals, including children, have different levels of need or tolerance for physical touch and that those must be honored. And, admittedly, the author mostly discusses a privileged, Eurocentric sliver of post-industrialized society (at least in my experience, in black and brown communities touch has not gone so far out of style). But her social critique is valid and worthy of consideration.
15
As a licensed therapeutic massage therapist, I can say that some people recognize they need human contact even if they get it from a therapeutic massage. The others can't separate touch with sex, which becomes problematic in our profession, and is sad they don't know the difference.
31
Ballroom dancing may or may not speak to this issue, but contra dancing (google it if you haven't heard of it) should certainly answer the issue of touching—and "safe" touching at that. If you haven't tried it, look around: there's likely a regularly scheduled contra dance near you this weekend and often.
11
@Carl Friedman it's been awhile since I've been to a contra dance, but I love it!
Well, with increasing improvements in AI, the really good sexbots are going to be here soon. And if that's the case, I'm sure there can be hugbots, and realistic silicon emotional support animals, and a whole swath of ways we'll be able to get our need for touch satisfied.
But, it's likely, again with AI, we're still going to have the issues of consent and boundaries. Just because a reacting entity is not biological doesn't mean that those issues vanish; the moral interactive questions still remain--and I suspect sexual assaulters are still assaulters even if they're attempting to assault metal and plastic.
5
Fines de Claire aside, you've unfortunately missed the biggest trend this century. Dogs. Not any dog but a shelter rescue canine that unlike decades previously, moved indoors and sleeps in your bed. The dog is the perfect mammalian conduit for touch, rub, scratch and snuggle. Everybody who is anybody lives with a mutt. So, the need for touch simply transferred to the canis familiaris that craves human touch and snuggle. There are 126 million household in the USA and over 90 million dogs mostly concentrated in the urban and metropolitan areas. 1.6 million shelter dogs are adopted each year and the growth trends are global and might be a universal trend. So, touch is even more important to a dog and they always express delight with a frantic wag and snuggle.
125
@terry brady Time was, people had dogs /and/ touched each other. If people are getting dogs /instead of/ touching each other, that's almost as sad as the robotic replacements some of the other commenters are imagining.
24
Less complicated than human relationship.
9
Here in Hove, I have been wondering what the future holds for anybody thinking about a career in trend forecasting.
41
The complete self-focus of well-off Americans is endless, and not really very relatable. This seems like another view from the bubble, which seems appropriate given the author's former occupation. However, most people in the world would not be able to relate to this, and I would have to include myself among this myopic majority.
31
Hi Courtney,
I am glad you have the insight and the courage to discuss this; great article and subtle humor. But your observation is real as far as I can tell. And then I wonder which way the pendulum might swing... I'm libertine myself (oh, a dude, ok...) but I have had the pleasure of meeting lots of open minded women once I took the plunge into online datings. Looking forward to hearing more about your prognostications.
1
I recall an article a while back about a professional hugger who would go to hotel rooms and homes for an hour or more of full body hugs with complete strangers. Maybe that is still a thing, I don't know, it seemed dangerous.
8
Charles Dickens' Hard Times: "Have a heart that never hardens and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts."
91
I actually was retrained in hugging at my longtime workplace, and managed to hold on to it with friends. It wasn't all that b natural for me, but I'm thankful that the habit sunk in, because I came from an area and family with minimal hugging of anyone past childhood. And that is not how most of us are made. (witness the cow hugging article! Now, that's desperation, but it's a good gig for the cows involved)
7
@cheryl, I hate the hugging-everyone thing. It’s hard to know what to do when you don’t want to have someone’s arms draped around you. I remember a distant relative stop me from hugging him by announcing that he was “just getting over a cold.” At the time I thought it was an overtly rude brushoff, especially under the circumstances of the moment (a family funeral), but maybe he is just not a hugger. Speaking as a woman who has had far too many inappropriate and uncomfortable hugs from men, I would like to find a more polite way to say “back off.” Sometimes I stick out my hand for a handshake to try to stave off the hug monsters, but they still swoop in.
31
@Passion for Peaches
But the quiclky proffered handshake will often work to stablish an :optimal distance" between persons upon a first encounter. If shared enthuisiasms or pastimes or ways to collaborate are later discovered, , hugs might make sense as the thing to do later. Or not.
4
@Passion for Peaches
F/70
"No hugs. Metal spine!!" Really hurts so I intercept huggers with eyes and words and smile. Then add "Both hands painful arthritis." Most freeze or step back the first time we meet and relax quickly when I follow-up.
For those seeking a path forward in touching, I ask "Remember noogies? Shall I show you?" Gentle knuckle rub top of a head that hurts neither giver nor receiver. Always all ways gets a laugh which fills our brains with dopamine, chemically equivalent to heroin!
Touching matters and laugh out loud matters and eye contact for Internet-captives matters. All of us should seek touches and be direct in setting boundaries based on our own biology and back story.
10
Perhaps a friendly exchange of pleasantries with a stranger, a pat on the back for someone in victory or defeat, and an ozone layer are all simple things we took for granted and are leaving forever. I hope technology and fear don't drive the next generation even further apart. Our problems are only solvable by a society that metaphorically embraces one another, not a collection of atomized individuals who fear others, although America does seem to be heading that way.
26
Thank you - this topic is in dire need of discussion.
We can't accept this level of human-to-human dysfunction as normal. People are losing the capacity for connection.
126
I look at my teenage students, and boys now can touch each other MORE than we did when I was their age in the 80s. The reason, the others won’t bully them calling them gay. So that’s progress.
149
I would not be surprised if it has been replaced with a different type of bullying, in which people are labeled homophobic if they don’t want to be touched.
2
I think the only person I've touched in months in my spouse. I'm sad now.
13
@Eli I must be out of it, because I touch people all the time and they respond positively to it. It's a form of communication. We have gone bonkers in this country.
@Eli Sad? Wait until your spouse has been dead for six years. That's sad. Nobody wants to hug or snuggle up to an old woman. So I gotta a cat, an older cat from a shelter, who was love starved. Problem solved.
2
@Eli is your spouse sad, too!? give them a hug now.
1
The internet obviously has something to do with this, especially because plenty of it seems to be designed by people who aren’t so adept at dealing with people face to face, but as the planet we live on fills with humans, and the heat we produce raises the oceans but dries up livable areas, the idea of touching-which-leads-to-reproducing-maybe becomes more and more fraught.
It’s too darn hot.
10
Intimacy and simple (kind or affectionate) touch are two separate entities.
Intimacy is for committed, consenting partners... it is those men or women (for that matter) who cross those boundaries without consent that is when the problem arises. It is not so difficult to understand for all the perpetrators or culprits of the #metoo movement.
Simple touch is for families, friends, and close acquaintances. And even with closest family member, there is an implicit consent, where you always are cued into other's reactions subconsciously.
There are times I don't want to be touched by anyone and I have a family who knows that well.
We also have non verbal ways of conveying when we want touch and hugging. It is an intimate language of every family, every friendship.
The most amazing touch and companionship which I find calming and peaceful is of children. The trust in their touch is perhaps the most precious thing in the world.
As a physician, there has never been a time when I didn't sit down by my patient's bedside, hold their hand while talking to them. I do the same to patients who are lying sedated on ventilators. Touch conveys the regard & care like nothing else.
Personally, I can tell what others feel by their touch, esp. lust or desire. I especially don't like being touched by my colleagues.
Inviting or giving touch has a distinct language. It can only be learned by a child granted free access to it-- only then do we learn the boundaries well.
53
@Ash. Lovely. Yes, most of us can immediately feel the difference behind a kind and giving, open touch, and one that is not, even if the first is unexpected and the second was initially welcomed due to false pretenses on the part of the toucher. (The same is true with eye contact.) It's not subtle.
4
@Ash. Thank you for your eloquent comments. Touch is so important between people, we need it. And of course there is inappropriate touch. We need to figure this out.
Teachers are not allowed to touch their students even if they need to be comforted, to me that is almost cruel. I understand the reasons behind the rule, but it’s inhumane.
Somehow all touch is now seen as sexual. Of course not, but we all know some men who cross the boundaries, so that means all men now fear touching because of what it could construe. What a sad state of affairs!
6
"And if we did lose the muscle memory of consensual touch, how would we get it back? To start with, we’re going to have to get off our phones."
This is absolutely correct. But let's remember that touch is only one form of intimacy, and best follows from deeper emotional intimacy. The promise and seduction of technology has created a culture of increasingly superficial connection: real relationships give way to chirpy social media messages; nuanced debates about complex issues give way to simplistic tweets. It is the triumph of a consumer culture that prizes immediate gratification. This lack of intimacy doesn't just affect things like fashion trends, it affects our current social fabric as well.
Real intimacy is messy and takes work. Technology and late stage capitalism promise ease, efficiency, and convenience, and in doing so, lure us into a lonelier world populated by people who look at their phones rather than each other's eyes as well as the world around them.
65
@jrinsc
I wanted to make this same comment and you said it very well. Strong families help with this process / addressing this need.
6
@jrinsc Yes, getting off our phones frees the hands to look into eyes and, don't forget, hug!
3
Wonderful. Thank you for the thought and effort put into this. The video of the Anime Hologram girl was somewhat disturbing (I know, a commercial). My wife and I both thought the same thing. When I had children, a friend suggested to me something like: “It makes you feel like a mammal, doesn’t it?”. Our three cats like it when we pet them, I love touching my wife and when she touches me, and the converse is true as well. Perhaps it’s good to not forget that we are mammals. Thanks for the article.
Albert
117
I also have wondered about the combined effects of MeToo and app-based dating on the 20-something generation. Sometimes I look at postings on an anonymous chat forum, and I'm struck by the overwhelming number of young people who are depressed, lonely, fearing never meeting someone, and looking for someone nearby to cuddle.
I grew up with the dinosaurs when there were no smartphones, and people had to join churches and groups and go on dates to develop relationships. Eye-to-eye contact, mouth-to-ear communication, and touching were part of that extended mating ritual.
I wonder if the "woke" generation has gotten themselves in an uncomfortable box and can't figure out how to get out.
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@Phil
I've been working as a parish minister (Unitarian Universalist) for the past 33 years - my job is simply to love everyone, however I can, whether you belong to my wonderful congregation or not. My lay ministry committee and I created a simple ritual called "compassionate connection" which involves offering people an opportunity to share, in a safe setting, the pain and sorrow that has come into their lives. We have been stunned by how much pain and sorrow people feel they must keep to themselves. It's heartbreaking. At the end of this ritual (which is free of theological language that might lead some to feel excluded) we surround those who have shared their sorrows and ask that they feel our compassionate touch and presence. It works! Highly recommended - could be done almost anywhere by compassionate people of any religion or none. religion
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@Rick Davis - 'we surround those who have shared their sorrows and ask that they feel our compassionate touch and presence'
uh - you didn't say - do you actually touch them as in 'laying on of hands' (as my mother had from her church with her cancer diagnosis - she was told 3 months to live and survived 3 years, so it may have helped)
or do you simply ask them to 'imagine' 'that they feel our compassionate touch and presence' and Not actually touch them physically ?
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@Phil
There have always been large numbers of people that are depressed, lonely, and afraid of staying that way. The internet is a way for them to reach out, and it can be a place to hide.
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