I think in 2023 what is more traumatic for a 13 y.o. is to believe that their parents never do it.
Get a lock on your door! We have a rule: “You’d better be black and blue or bloody before you burst into a room with a door closed.” No one enters a room in our home with a closed door without knocking first then waiting to be invited in. This is true for our four year old and our 13 year old. Everyone is entitled to their own privacy and sanctuary.
It’s nor a bad thing for children to know their parents have an active sex life with one another. A door lock can prevent them from witnessing it, but it’s good for them to know that sex is a healthy part of a committed relationship. They can “ewwww” all they want about mom and dad "doing it" but there’s a deep comfort in knowing that mom and dad love each other and still find each other sexy. Party on.
6
I’m not the audience for “Larry, the Cable Guy,” but he once referred to this topic and made me scream with laughter.
Larry: Have ya ever seen yer parents having sex?
Audience tittering.
Larry: Yeah, I did. Last week…………and that’s the last time I ever visit THAT web site!
Audience screaming.
3
When we were "caught" by my then 8 year old son I explained to him that Mommy and I were wrestling. He seemed to accept that.
1
I walked in on my parents during a summer home from college. Their bedroom, which was the only room upstairs, did not have a door. I can't explain what drove me to walk upstairs without announcing my presence. I peered around the corner, saw what was happening, ducked back outside and crept down the stairs as quietly as possible. I am 1) forever grateful they didn't know that I was there, and 2) happy to see they still enjoy each other.
2
When I was about 6 years old, we visited my uncle and aunt at their home. Early in the morning I awoke — searching through a house whose floor plan I didn’t know — for the bathroom. Accidentally I opened the door to their bedroom instead of the bathroom. I saw what I saw, my uncle told me the bathroom was down the hall, I closed the door and we never talked about it again. I still remember it but I don’t know if he does.
Not scarred in any way- now that I’m an adult I’m actually happy to know that his romantic relationship with his wife was still healthy and strong at that age!
1
I have never understood stories about children walking into their parents’ bedroom while they were making love (or for that matter, trying to work during lockdown). I don’t remember how I learned it, but my mother and father’s bedroom was their private space. I understood that you didn’t enter without knocking first. And once we reached our teens, my parents afforded my siblings and me the same respect.
8
Love your story. I loved all the awkward details, your need for warm feet, not wanting the dog to see, not having your door locked, how even being a sex educator didn’t make it easier, and how your daughter patted your arm to comfort you. And I loved reading all the other stories here of similar experiences. What I found strange, though, was how several people chastised you for not locking your bedroom door. Come on, people! Have some heart.
14
@Kevin Peffley I credit my husband with the best joke ever.
The dog looks at us and says, "you're doing it wrong."
Late 1990’s I’m working double shifts waiting tables to pay for my MFA. Parents came to visit me in my one bed apt for a week.
After a twelve hour shift I returned home at 11pm and while decompressing on the living room couch I hear moaning, loud moaning going on and on and on and on.
Enough ok, I pound on the
bedroom door while asking “why now, I’ve been gone for twelve hours and now I need sleep”.
Turned out Mom suffered from night cramps in her legs. Painful. They had a good laugh.
Seems as though Dad’s diabetes had ended their sex life in the 80’s.
21
You never really talked about it. You took the easy out - which is understandable but flawed. The child shouldn't guide the discussion on this.
Perhaps something like: "Your father and I want to clear the air. We're embarrassed. But at the same time it's completely normal and healthy for us to make love. Please be extra careful when approaching the bedroom when we're in there together and knock. Loudly."
It's not too late. You can still say this.
8
Your worried about the dog seeing? Do you let him in the bathroom? We have had dogs and cats and they all seemed to be unaffected, perhaps because they weren’t taught to be shamed. Seems like the wife needs some therapy about why sex is so secret and nasty to her. The daughter seems much better adjusted than her mother.
I don’t believe my parents ever had sex and I must have been created in some other way. For some people with parents like mine, the stork actually did deliver babies. Or maybe my mother was a cabbage. They always had the bedroom door open for some reason. I never saw anything happening other than sleep.
7
Lighten up. We have all felt the same thing about our cats and dogs. They have eyes and they are looking. Yes they are unburdened by the training we have had, but we are not. It’s just a thing.
I think this was a great essay. All I could think was “boy am I glad that didn’t happen to us”.
7
When I was 7 or so, my sister's and my bedroom was next to my parents. One night I heard my mother. I got out of bed and knocked on the door, then opened it to see if she was all right. My father looked at me and said, "You're mother's having a bad dream and I'm just holding her down." I absolutely believed him until I was in a 7th or 8th grade science class and it suddenly dawned on me exactly what they were up to. I'm almost 67 and I still admire my dad's quick-thinking.
43
How about locking the door, or maybe the person coming in should at least knock. Duh.
16
What's to be embarrassed about? These days many couples put the videos on Pornhub. Time have changed. We don't have to whisper about it and Playboy is no longer kept on the back shelf behind a shield at the drug store.
10
The date on this story is 2019, as it is for many of the comments. It's being re-run? It's mildly amusing, but not worth a second look. But are they using a door lock 2 years later?
8
I just had the beginnings of sex/relationship talk with my nine year old son. I told him that when people have sex they make special chemicals in their brains that help them fall/stay in love with the other person.
He quickly came to the conclusion that he did not want to necessarily think about it but was happy if his parents had sex so that we would stay in love.
14
This has been happening since the beginning of time. There have been zero fatalities.
38
Ever heard of using the door lock? Not made to stop an intruder but just fine for stopping kids from barging in.
19
parents have sex and the kids aren't scarred. my son walked in on us at a far younger age. we had a brief, appropriate, gently honest but not overly serious discussion about it. hasn't ever happened again, and he's grown into a delightful, thoughtful, happy and humorous tween. love, warmth and honesty go a long way in navigating many parenting hiccups.
12
If I'm remembering this right, no one was allowed in my parents bedroom period.
It was off limits for all four kids, at anytime and for any reason.
No one in our house would have opened my parents door when it was shut, and you were taking your life in your hands if you knocked on that door.
16
It seems a universal behaviour that children either cannot believe their parents ever had sex and/or find the whole idea repulsive. Perhaps it’s an evolutionary trait that helps prevent incestuous relationships
23
When I was 10 or so, I walked in on my grandparents having sex. They said, "That's just how we love each other." I said "OK" and didn't give it another thought until now.
32
In the early 70's, I wrote this story (girl was 11) for "The New Dick Van Dyke Show" and CBS deemed it too racy, refusing to air it.
11
Reminds me of an episode of Modern Family where the 3 kids enter the parents room to bring breakfast in bed while Mom and Dad are at it. Luke later says -I don't know what they were doing but I'm pretty sure Dad was wining. Later, the Mom and Dad try to talk to the kids but the kids have worked out their reactions before the talk. Funny hijinks ensue.
20
This woman is a sex educator? Why then all the heteronormative shaming round body sight, covering up the sexual act through a sheet "like normal parents," and sexual position? Geez, grow up. Thank god your daughter has.
26
@Drew
I believe her intent was to be funny, not serious. Sorry you missed that.
51
That reminded me of an old joke about the same situation, except the kid yells "Turn her over Daddy!
I'd rather have a puppy."
14
Nice Kid,seems pretty smart and mature.
19
I would think this was a contrived story, if it wasn't in The New York Times! Thanks for continuing to push the envelope!
4
@Counter Measures No. No one with kids would think it was a contrived story.
I never walked in on my parents having sex, don't know about my brother and sister, but it became obvious they'd had sex because we existed. They never taught us a thing about sex but we had horses, dogs and cats who openly engaged and then we watched the babies being born. It was all as natural as it could be and we later learned more in sex education classes.
9
Good Grief.
Just lock your door fer cryin' out loud.
17
Why, why, why was the couple's immediate reaction what it was? Why did they think anyone needed to talk to the daughter? What is wrong with them that it wasn't an "Oops! Ha ha!" moment?
13
The title should be…When We didn’t Lock the Door.
19
never walked in on parents, clueless about sex but not love, until my 20's.
5
This is a sweet story. Kudos to your daughter. Nobody was scarred for life.
29
Hah! Love it. We’re early 70ish.
We were visiting our kids in LA a couple of yrs ago - and early one morning when we thought it was safe - our 5 yo GRANDDAUGHTER burst in on us!
We were lucky - under the covers…still cracks us up.
Been together almost 50 years, and still…joyous. (Knock on wood).
Flagrante delicto forever!
42
Charming story indeed, but I was disappointed. Something about the headline suggested sage advice was forthcoming. Your benign outcome was the likely product of good parenting from 0-12. Alas, it still would have been constructive to learn what to say IF your daughter (or a reader's daughter) wasn't agreeable with what was observed or if she hadn't ducked your invitation to discuss by hiding in the bathroom. In other words, how and what Should someone say if the child was troubled and wanted to talk?!
15
@Gerardo I wonder if the daughter was as sanguine as she said she was. Maybe. Maybe not. What we do know is she did not want to talk about it. On the other hand, I do not believe she was scarred for life. Something in the middle seems more like it.
6
No biggie! In the much more repressed days of my childhood during the 1950s, we children would sometimes join our parents in bed on a Sunday morning. Dad usually had pj bottoms on, until I realized one morning when I 10 or 12 that that day he was naked. No one said anything, but poor dad couldn't get out of bed until we kids left the room. Just a normal if embarrassing part of life.
8
Great parents, cool daughter!
34
I walked in on my parents when I was 13. I was embarrassed, and I’m sure they were as well, but nobody was scarred or grossed out. They were always demonstrably affectionate (kissing, hugging, frequent “sweeties” and “honeys”) with each other and me, and I understood what I’d seen was just the sexual aspect of that love. We never discussed that intrusion, though, and I made a point to always knock in the future.
35
That's what it would have been like in the dwellings of the less well off in many parts of the world, probbaly right up to the late 1930's.
In London and New York tenements for example, the only thing separating parents bed from their childrens might have been a very large sheet hung between the two.
Likewise probably in many farmhouses too.
We seemed to have forgotten about this interesting period in our forebears' lives!
40
What makes you think that under the covers is “normal”?
53
@MainLaw
Like that reply. We will not even discuss the kitchen table.
Thanks
8
I think this comment/description was intended to be presumptive and show that ‘under the covers’ is often NOT usual—unless people are preoccupied with not getting ‘caught.’
2
@MainLaw Well, that's how it's always done on TV! X-D
2
I'll be 60 in a few days, but my kids caught us in "the act" plenty of times to the point we never bothered to stop. They just left. They all turned out just fine except the eldest who has schizophrenia but not due to anything we ever did.
Now it's merely the family joke of EWWWW! But EWWWW what? We were young, in love and both attractive at the time. EWWWWW is far more appropriate these days, but they don't live at home anymore.
23
Lock your door.
24
My poor wife at age 13 lived with her parents in a too small house with no privacy and no way for her to get to a bath room without literally going through her parents bedroom.
Her mother liked to act out drunk violent rape fantasies with her now third husband...with her poor daughter so close she could hear everything...for them it was play acting fun and games, but for her it was deeply traumatic and she would go into the backyard to throw up. Later she got relief in warmer weather by sleeping in a sleeping bag in cardboard refrigerator box in the back yard.
Today at age 69, (after good skillful therapy) she is extremely well emotionally and psychically. She survived that trauma, so kids walking in on loving healthy parents is a non-event.
14
I laughed a little too hard at, “And the dog sleeps in our room and I don’t like him to see.” Because I totally get it. Dogs are so critical! I’ve seen the furry-face side eye many a time. Followed by a deep, disappointed sigh.
It’s funny to think of parents being so stressed out by kids seeing this these days, when creative sex turns up on network television. I doubt that your daughter was surprised by anything you said or did. She should be happy you still desire each other. It’s a good lesson. She sounds like a smart kid.
I walked in on my parents one early morning when I was seven or eight years old. I brought the dog in with me to show them something cute I’d done with her — wrapped her in a blanket or something. My parents were under the covers, but I knew what they were up to. Yet for some reason, instead of turning around and leaving I just plopped down on the floor in front of their bed and started playing with my dog. What an annoying child I was! On the other hand, they did have a lock in their door and could have thought ahead. They had a house full of nosey kids.
25
I once knew a couple who found a unique use for vaseline. They smeared it on the door knob and it kept the little ones out of the bedroom.
16
Good gracious. Haven’t most parents been discovered “in flagrante” at least once? My 4 year old daughter referred to and still does that she caught mommy and daddy having a rendezvous. Don’t treat it like a naughty teenager. It’s part of a normal healthy marriage. But also let them know that it’s not a spectator event and they need to respect your privacy.
26
I will never forget the time my parents were "having a great time," screaming with ecstatic delight in their bedroom. The door was locked, but we teenagers were frantically knocking on the door, yelling for them to stop.
We thought our Dad was killing Mom. (They did have a rocky relationship.) We went through our years, 9-19, totally clueless about how babies are created.
We girls merely learned what to expect for a few days each month; the boys probably learned from their high-school friends.
This story made me laugh about our ignorance.
14
I put door locks on when my oldest was about 7. Besides, most 13 year olds have seen porn.
2
people say that (about porn) but I refuse to believe it!
10
@Jean
"I refuse to believe it "
Let me guess. Do you also not believe trumps failed reelection bid and also refuse to believe we landed on the moon.
3
@A New Year Really? Making something political here?
2
Your daughter has no business coming into a room with a closed door without knocking. I wouldn't have said a word.
11
Sex under the covers???That's silly. In fact his whole thing is ridiculous. In this day and age your kids probably know as much, if not more, than you do.
6
@Martha Muhs Yes they do, but when its you, its very different.
9
For sure, but I must agree w/ the comment someone made about the writer's exaggerated sense of shame about the incident. (But I know what she means about the dog.)@Gerry
3
"I’d been a sexuality educator for Planned Parenthood in college."
With people like this working at Planned Parenthood who needs the Republicans? Oy vey!
13
re the dog: its discrimination. they sense that.
11
Nicely written! I can’t wait for your piece on when she walks into the bathroom and catches you on the toilet! (I assume you don’t have locks on those doors either.)
11
@Andrew Manitsky
Good crowd here today. Like that one.
Many people it would seem support the head in the sand technique.
2
Did we need to know this? Ugh.
16
@Mary Poppins Nobody forced you to read this article. You could easily have clicked on another story. Besides, why were you offended by an amusing story. Besides, I'm sure that even Mary Poppins had sex at least once in her life.
37
@Mykeljon
And I am sure Mary Poppins didn't let her umbrella get in the way.
5
If you thought your daughter was embarrassed by the experience before, wait until she - and all of her friends - reads about it in the New York Times!
53
@Elijah Werlyklein
So they read about it in The New York Times.
Fox news would just say it never happened.
Cutting edge reporting as usual for Fox news
2
I think I was about 10 or 11 when I walked in on my parents. It never really phased me. I just went on with my day and life. No damage done at all.
I do take exception to the sentence, "Sex is a beautiful thing, especially between middle-aged married people." I'm 60 now and sex is more beautiful than ever!
14
@S. At 60 you ARE middle aged.
5
A splendid story, and thank you for it. Please note that in many old houses (like ours) any inside door locks ceased to work properly around 1940.
19
@Mark Kinsler - we have a circa 1910 house. The interior doors only lock with a skeleton key!
2
@Mark Kinsler
C'mon -- a sliding bolt!
1
On the flip side of this, on Valentine's Day in 2011, in the late evening, my husband and I (both 62 years old) were celebrating Valentine's Day in the time honored tradition. My 98 year old (ex-nun) mother was (I thought) safely tucked into bed in another part of the house. I went to move from being below to being on top, and saw my mother standing at the foot of our bed watching us! I fell off my husband and covered up as fast as possible. My mother was reaching for the light switch so she could see more clearly. I hustled her out of the room and back to her bed. Needless to say, our mood was shattered. Mom fortunately seemed to forget the incident by the next day, but the moment stays with me. Who expects to be caught in the act in such a teenage way at 62?
49
@Natasha -no pun intended ?! “On the flip side”. Your story got me chuckling. Thanks!
13
@Tilly Glad you enjoyed it. We still laugh about it. Fortunately, my husband and I have a good sense of humor! She lived to be 99 years old!
9
There is nothing wrong with parents being a little freaked out that their we 13-year-old daughter saw them. I recommend a frank talk, a locked bedroom door next time, and a shot of something strong for anyone over 21 involved in this situation.
4
In Naples, Italy at least up to the 70's, a whole family of 5 to 7 people slept in the same room. I never heard about any inherent psychological problem. Has anybody read about how they handle the situation?
4
@Roberto, I’ve spoken to people who grew up in such shared living quarters. The kids got used to the sounds, and the parents were quiet about it.
4
@Roberto Have a nurse friend who did some HIV education in rural Tanazania in years past. Her first efforts at education for children was amusing (for the children). 5- and 6-year olds knew perfectly well where babies came from, including details. Yes, it gets very dark in rural Africa after the sun goes down, but she reasoned out soon enough that when you have 4-8 people sleeping in the same round, 18-foot diameter hut, privacy is not something that exists. The children didn't seem generally any more scarred than ones who grew up in a 4-BR/3 bath house in the States.
2
@Roberto
Americans have cornered the market on psychological problems about sex.
Europeans laugh at us.
8
All I can say is "Good for you!" With a 10-year-old who is invariably up early, and a 16-year-old who is invariably up late--and the technology that allows them to be "with" their friends while still at home--our sex life is in the tank.
9
@KC, I think it may be time to have a talk about private time, and buy your kids some earphones.
But there is always the shower!
5
She was about three years old when she barged in on her dad after he had just showered.
It was only for about two, three seconds.
Later I heard her explaining to her older sister (5)
why the dolls were female in spite of the costumes
'unh un', she said 'a man is different, cause a man has a trunk'
41
In this time of national crisis and escalating insanity, its WONDERFUL that newspapers like the Times can print some light-hearted articles and stories such as this!!! Bravo, and thank you for the giggles.
58
as an adult I got to listen to both my severely divorced parents' versions of each other in their sexual zone - unfortunately vaguely familiar
1
There was a time way, way back when pretty well all bodily functions were accepted as normal, at least within the extended family. But then came the Puritans ... many of whom landed up in America. Perhaps that is part of the explanation of why we may feel ashamed in such innocent circumstances as those described here. But why should you feel ashamed of your feeling ashamed? OK, you can talk about it and try to clear the air a little - but basically nobody did anything wrong. The daughter doesn't seem to be bearing any scars and nor should her parents.
16
Of course the daughter will be ok!
What a refreshing change to read an article on normal day to day living away from the sordid stories this week surrounding Epstein, Maxwell, and the rest of the abnormal beings including the one occupying the White House.
45
Please get over yourselves, and soon! Your children need calm, sane parents!
12
There is nothing wrong with parents being a little worried over their daughter seeing them. I recommend a frank talk, a locked door next time, and a shot of something strong for anyone over 21 involved in the situation.
6
There is nothing wrong with parents being a little worried hat their 13-year-old daughter saw them. I recommend a frank talk, a locked door next time, and a shot of something strong for anyone over 21 involved in the situation.
2
There is nothing wrong with parents being a little worried hat their 13-year-old daughter saw them. I recommend a frank talk, a locked door next time, and a shot of something strong for anyone over 21 involved in the situation.
3
I'm not an ageist, so I believe that 49 is very young, perimenopause be damned. I also don't believe that women lose their sex appeal until they believe they have done so. My own mother used honeymoon lovemaking as (yet another) excuse to neglect me, so perhaps this is why this article is giving me the vibes of "Hey, y'all, I'm 49 and my incredibly smug husband and I still do IT." Exhibitionism is cool and stuff, but there are plenty of clubs for that. A couple with an active sex life should clearly define boundaries of privacy for their teenage child. If the boundaries haven't been defined, then please lock the bedroom door and don't give me all of this.
6
@Celine Sounds like you're the one with a problem. This was lighthearted, you might try the same.
10
The comments on this article surprise me. My husband and I have never locked the bedroom door. Somehow, our kids knew from the time they were each about 3 or 4 years old not to barge into our bedroom unannounced. I think our son figured it out at a young age, and I've always suspected he taught our daughter, who is four years younger, to knock on our door first before entering.
14
1. Lock your door.
2. Put the dog out if it bothers you.
3. Normal parents have sex under the covers? Really? That is kind of sad.
31
I remember when my oldest was about 6 or 7. By that time she had a younger sister and brother. I got a call from the mother of her best friend. She informed me that her daughter, at the dinner table heard about the "birds and the bees". When I asked why she was telling me this, she informed me that her daughter heard it from my daughter.
I told my wife that I think she should have "the talk" with our daughter. She did. Not leaving anything out. This was not a sex 101 class but went to a graduate level. This was way beyond the comprehension of a child. After she finished, my daughter had a quizzacle look on her face. My wife asked what was the matter. My daughter asked "does that mean you and dad have had sex more than three times?
23
@Jim Of Aventura A tweet thread I saw (now passing into urban legend): "yes, honey, your father and I have had sex lots of times."
At which point the child starts crying.
"What's wrong, dear, it's not a bad thing!"
The child responds, "but where are all my other brothers and sisters?!"
3
Nice read, but reading the comments is the real fun. What _are_ you people going on about? Lock the door early in the morning when everyone knows teenagers sleep until noon if they can?? Under the sheets??? Missionary????
I too value privacy at home, to be sure. And I do feel slightly embarrassed when they walk in on us. But I also want my kids to know that their parents still enjoy each other's company. Intimacy and sex are part of a healthy and enjoyable family life. So, everybody: please relax!
39
@scratching my head "Intimacy and sex are part of a healthy and enjoyable family life" - yeah, no. They are part of a healthy private life with your spouse. We don't have sex in the living room with our kids watching as part of our family life. Do your kids like to watch ?
8
LOCK THE DOOR! Problem solved. What a concept.
8
When my son was about 5 we lived in a double with bedroom walls shared with the other unit. He told me that the people in the other house banged their bed against the wall so he pounded on the wall with his heels to get them to be quiet.
11
Using the bathroom in the middle of the night is always a danger zone.
2
Lock your doors, people. For all the crooning about how "sweet" and "loving" sex is here and spinning about how positive the kid walking in will view their parent's marriage, some sexual positions hardly look sweet, intimate, and loving visually, especially to kids, and by the sound of it was what was going on here being that Mom wishes they had been in missionary position.
16
@Morgan
That was exactly my thought when I read that.
This is the best story! Thanks for sharing and here's to smart teenage daughters!
31
What a great story! I can't wait for the sequel, when the roles are reversed! (That ought to keep Ms. Finn awake at night.)
22
This incident was momentarily jarring for all the parties, but ultimately a sweet affirmation that love and lovemaking can enliven anyone's day. Better this incident than the icy sense that one's parents never knew the joy of spontaneous sex. This incident is better than all the sex manuals out there--prescriptive or proscriptive--on how to do it or not do it.
25
A lot of commentators here saying lock the door. Why? Hey, I say tell others to knock first and let the freak flag fly!
30
If you're middle-aged, were outside the covers, and got caught, well....... good on you.
Your daughter will survive, and someday, years down the road, after a glass or two of wine it'll all be very silly.
You're not the first.
42
This is a surprising amount of shame coming from someone who is a sex educator.
18
Shame? I didn’t get shame from this at all, just concern for her daughter.
22
Just so you now, there are plenty of "normal" parents that have sex on top of the sheets. It is not 1950.
26
I read this piece and I became sad, and almost cried. I remember and thought about my parents and the times "I heard them"or saw sexual activities. It all was frightening, confusing and bewildering for me. And sadly, I felt down "depressed" because I blamed myself for being in the wrong place at the right time and saw "it", "caught" them!!!. I did not have loving parents who explained, taught, shared with me, what "it" this "thing" that I saw was. In my mind what they were up to was dirty!!! and nasty. I wanted to tell someone, asked some one about what I had seen and saw, but whom? I wish I had a Mother, like Robin a father like her husband and parents who were enlighted and available. Parents, who spoke to me shared with me and explained to me "what I needed to know" about sex, love making, and even caring, marriage, family and such. Things have been challenging. Years of self destructive behaviors and years of therapy, learning how to love myself and slowly developing self-esteem and eventually finding, developing and embracing support systems have help me heal and moved forward. This was a well written article and something I did not expect to see an dor read but apparantently something I needed to read. I am always willing, ready to continue on my healing and mending journey and I embrace healing and enlightment from any source I can.
37
@Kenya - sorry for the pain and confusion you went through and congratulations to you on working on your healing and recovery
5
Hilarious !! What's embarrassing is embarrassing, than you move on. Your kids are like renters when they hit their late-teens, early 20's, always around at the wrong time. : )
19
No big deal, sex is a normal part of life. It's the puritanical sensibilities of the western cultures that's embedded in our heads.
20
I don't think it's normal to engage in this behavior in a house with kids without locking the door. Some media personality has a 'house rule' of no locked doors. Her kid walked in and saw her doing 'work' for her husband.
What is exactly wrong with locking a door? If no locks, then how about getting rid of the shades too. Is that the next 'house rule'?
5
My best friend in elementary school lived in a small home with her sister and parents. Their bedrooms shared a wall. Whenever they overheard the sounds of romance from their parents bedroom, they would do things like knock on the wall and say "You ok, Ma?" Or, the next morning over pancakes: "Did you have a bad dream last night, Dad?" We were in fifth grade - pre-Internet. Their parents had no idea the girls knew what was going on, and their sweet mother would turn a deep shade of red. I still laugh at the way they trolled their poor parents.
25
Our son age 4 walked in on us, sleepy eyed, holding his blanky, sucking his finger and twirling his hair. He threw himself on the bed. We laughed, tucked him in and headed for another bedroom. A few minutes later he walked in again. My wife jumped up clutching some sheets around her and I once again gently tucked him in. Shivering in the cold I headed back to our bedroom...this time we closed the door so at least we'd hear him as he tried to turn the knob.
I'm not sure what he saw or didn't see. Years later when our kids were teens we always shut the door and turned the latch. We just didn't want to scare the kids or have them look at us cross eyed for the rest of our lives.
When I was 17 I accidentally walked in on my aunt and uncle. I can't unsee that! Ugh! How could they do that! Following that I always knocked when at their home. It left me deeply scarred. But it hardly prepared me for 4 and 5 year olds. The young ones arrive at your bed at all of hours of the night and morning. We couldn't lock the doors when they were young because they may have needed immediate attention. But once into adolescence and their teens we secured our privacy and prevented embarrassment.
Until I was 6 years old we lived in a one bedroom apartment in the Bronx, Cypress Ave. I remember dad smoking a cigarette waiting for me to fall asleep. My sister and I never saw anything. Who knows.
5
That's because she was 13 and she knew what you were doing. A few years earlier you would have had to have The talk!
1
At times I've regretted the fact that I grew up as a latchkey child; my parents divorced when I was 5, and my mother -- who returned to school shortly thereafter for both an MBA and law degree, and thus had very little free time given her studies and caring for three children -- never dated anyone seriously until after we kids had all gone off to college.
This is one of the few times I've ever been thankful for it.
9
When they look back, it may give them a better understanding of their parent's marriage and a sense of their own separate self - and be in fact a good revelatory moment.
6
"But I believed my daughter’s assurance that she was not scarred for life. She seemed unfazed by the whole thing. She turned down my offer to discuss The Incident"
I can't help but wonder if "discussing The Incident" with one's teenager wouldn't lead to a weird scarring for life. What teenager doesn't know what happens in the bedroom? Sometimes that "TMI TMI TMI" chant is spot on, especially when it comes to parents' intimate moments.
One time I heard sounds emanating from my parents' bedroom on a Sunday afternoon when they assumed I was still at a friend's house. To my mother's surprise when she saw me smiling as I made a pot of coffee in the kitchen, she simply breezed by and said, "you didn't really believe you were hatched in a cabbage patch, did you?"
My mother always had a quick and honest come back. Gosh I miss her.
114
THANK YOU for a Beautiful well written story of An Average Family Happening, that was handled in a better than average way.
Like you I’ve handled sex education with my children comfortably and matter of factly. It’s a beautiful act of love, the closest we can be to another human emotionally and physically, and it feels great! As to puritanicals, sex is a gift of God, He didn’t HAVE to make it feel great, it could have been created sex purely as a biological urge, God gave us the gift of sex just as it is. Thanks God!
Americans are the weirdest people in the world regarding sex, even those of us who are non judgmental and find it very easy to speak about and have sex still have quirks regarding our privacy during sex. I’m certain it’s our puritanical roots, reinforced during the Victorian Era. When my boys were under the age of four I didn’t sweat nudity or them following me into the bathroom, with my daughter still, and my granddaughters of course. Sex however, was almost always after hours. We were caught exactly once, by my oldest son who was 5 at the time, I also wish it had been missionary, cowboy would have been preferable, almost any position but the one he caught us in! His father got up and took him to bed whilst I lay there cringing over the whole thing. Btw, who has sex under the covers? How do you get the covers to stay on? Isn’t it hot under there?! I have never had sex under the covers.
22
@PSRK:
What you are talking about, of course, is how "sex negative" our actual, day to day culture is regarding sex. Sex is everywhere to sell products and in pornography, but everyday Americans don't really celebrate their sexuality in truly open ways. We are not a sensual culture. Doubt this? Research is very clear that the amount of sex women are willing to engage in drops dramatically when the female is even a few pounds overweight, and our culture emphasizes a lifestyle heavily oriented to obesity (think carbs, fast food, a lack of exercise, etc.). Men's actual percentage of having sex in their late teens through their 20's has dropped significantly due to a number of complicated factors. Want to feel sexy? Try meditating, clearing your life of unimportant distractions, exercising and reducing your weight with healthy eating, the absolute best aphrodisiacs available! Being sex positive in your own lives is the ultimate role model for your children in helping them to develop a positive and healthy orientation to their own sexuality.
4
@Paul: Research also suggests overweight people enjoy sex more, so go figure.
We are so coddled with our locks and shades and even walls and doors. For millennia people lived in the same cave or tent or teepee or room with their children on the next matt. They somehow managed to have plenty of sex. Good piece.
2
@Naturist, honestly I cannot say that it would set well with me to have sex in a teepee or one room cabin in front of my family I’m a screamer. And in a cave in front of an entire audience? Imagine the ECHOS!!
2
Too hilarious. Much better than walking in on an argument that got physical, as I did.
31
There have to be boundries between the parents and their children. Why don't you lock your bedroom door from inside. Then you can indulge in sex in whatever way you want, missionnery, doggie style or even 69 ! This will save you and your children from any embrassement.
14
@Syed Abdulhaq Exactly! They should lock the door, for goodness' sake! When I was growing up, the door to my parents' bedroom was always locked when they were in there. And, as importantly, I knew to knock on a closed door by the time I was the age of 5. Never ever just go waltzing in to a room if the door is closed!
5
Great story! Great relief from today's news as most of us remember the time it happened to us. I often think, "Does he remember? He hasn't looked at me the same since that day!"
Gee, thanks, now my paranoia is back...
18
What did people do in the real old days, when they all slept in one room, or when room partitions were mere suggestions? What do poor people do who live in such conditions today? We’ve removed sex from our family lives like we’ve removed death. And we’re not less neurotic for it.
37
For hundreds of years there was a phenomenon known as segmented sleeping. Before artificial light, most people went to sleep after sundown. People who went to sleep at, say, 7 PM would usually get up around midnight, stay up for a few hours, and then go to sleep again around 2 or 3 AM. Historians speculate that It was during this interstitial period in the middle of the night that people read, had a meal...and had sex while the other family members were asleep!
12
I read one account of a guy in 1910’s UK who’s large family lived in one room with one bed in an inner city. He wrote they just accepted “my parent’s lovemaking” as an entirely natural thing with no other comment. I don’t know if that was a minority view, but anyway that’s how he felt. I guess if you never knew any different it just seemed normal?
10
@David S. ...and talked to their neighbors, apparently. There was a wonderful article in the NYTimes about archaic sleep patterns (over a decade ago) that still rings vividly in my mind whenever I cant sleep. A recent study of a traditional indigenous tribe in Tanzania discovered that someone is always awake through the night suggesting, perhaps, an evolutional need to have someone keep watch.
3
Never have sex in a house that also has in it anyone over the age of an infant.
10
@Joe so have one kid maximum? Or go to a hotel every single time?
11
@Joe
Regrettably, my wife agrees with your way of thinking....
18
@Joe No fun allowed... Rhater not, they ll get over it. Reality isn't as hurtful or difficult as we fear.
1
I can relate to the dog watching issue...a girlfriend of mine had a dog that would bark and get very agitated if it saw what it assumed was someone attacking its owner.
16
There may still be an "ick" factor, even if the daughter didn't want to talk about it. We always assume that our three grown children like to think that we've only had sex three times.
17
@Cheeseman Forever Four times. Once for your wedding night, and once for each of your kids. I'm sure that is how my parents did things 60 years ago ;->
13
I can relate to the dog watching issue...a girlfriend had a dog that would bark and get very agitated if it saw what it assumed was someone attacking its owner.
The daughter is fine but is the dog handling this situation well?
80
Every time I see or read an article with this topic I think of the comedian Sinbad.
I went to see him years ago and he brought the rowdy older crowd to a complete silence with this line: "I know how you can get your adult children to move out of your house in one night."
His answer?
Have sex with your bedroom door open.
47
So you don't have locks on your door?
I wouldn't admit it if I didn't bother using the lock.
8
I love this. Please write more, Robin Finn. You remind me of one of A Tyler's characters narrating and I could listen forever but we need it more now than we will in heaven.
Turner at [email protected] Dash Press
11
It seems kind of sad how many commenters are so adamant about locking the door. Accidentally walking in on one's parents having sex--or being the parent who was walked in on--is not a disaster. Vigilantly locking the door strikes me as unnecessarily prudish. Sure, kids and parents should always knock before opening a bedroom or bathroom door. But unless you are wearing a ball gag or wielding a whip, rest assured there's little risk of PTSD
41
The only out-of-the-ordinary or troubling behavior I see here is the mom writing about this for the New York Times — under what appears to be her real name?!
Ms. Finn: respect your daughter’s privacy enough to keep this moment private within your family, where it belongs! Make your writing career on something else, if you must (and can.) The exhibitionism and narcissism on display here are breathtaking. The flesh on display is irrelevant.
26
@Jenn
Ummm, no. The only people whose privacy is affected here are the writer and her husband. And if she wants to normalize sex by actually talking about it (gasp), well good on her. I suggest you’ll be less into the pearl clutching if you try having more of it yourself, and maybe even not on the missionary position.
37
Your kid is a class act, and it says a lot about you as parents that she wasn't freaked out. A thirteen year old, in this day and age, knows about sex, but seeing your parents in flagrante delicto is not the usual way kids think about sex, at all. My siblings and I used to joke that my parents had sex three times in their 50 year marriage (there are 3 of us).
As your daughter said, she should have knocked. There is no better way to learn courtesy than to be caught out in an embarrassing situation, hmm?
29
Ah, yes! The good old days!
5
Your DOG sleeps through it?!
5
To explain these things it helps to draw a diaphragm.
23
This is why God made summer camp.
30
What is the big problem? What, are you living in "father Knows Best" times, when married couples on TV had to sleep in separate beds? Talk about overreacting. It is a natural thing, and at age 13 your daughter surely knows that, and I am sure she is aware of oral sex as well. She seems to be the mature one.
7
Don't want the dog to see you? That's a new one.
5
@jr
Apparently, that is quite common from reading comments here. Cats do not mind or care.
3
When kids are home, parents having private moments need to use Vasoline.
(Smear it on the bedroom's outside door knob.)
34
Thank you for sharing this. With all the horrible news in the world, this article gave me delight and laughter.
28
Kids today are far more savvy about sex, and more open to talking about it in a normal way, as a fact of life. Last week my 15 year old grandson recommended the Netflix series 'Sex Education' to his father ... my son. My son thought the series a great insight into teens and sex, and recommended it to me. I agreed. You probably have to watch to understand my point!
8
Excellent show!
2
This is a very cute story, but the real challenge, of course, is a child of divorce walking in on a parent having sex with somebody oither than their parent. In a case like that, a talk is definitely called for.
A bedroom door lock is absolutely vital when a child is living with a single parent. Also, it's only considerate for people to not make a lot of noise in the throes of sex under those circumstances, to avoid unleashing a fair amount of conflicted emotions in their child.
11
@Trista
What happens when adults share a bed?
Great story, great daughter, great parents.
America remains very uptight about sex, in most any form -- especially regarding catching our parents having it. Gotta be a Freudian thing.
All the critical Comments about a lock on the door make sense. But we'd all be healthier if, over time, we tried to make sex a little healthier, a little less of a huge secret, and a lot more of a human gift.
19
If your daughter saw you hurting each other, hitting with mean words, that would be bad. That she saw you making love? Not a big deal IMO. It's healthy and loving, even if a bit realistic.
19
If she has been to movies , or streaming from Netflix or Amazon she has seen much worse. Relax.
5
Sounds as if the daughter is, by far, the most adult of the three people living under that roof. Yes, it's always polite to knock before entering a room with a closed door. Yes, adults in a loving, committed relationship can and should have sex frequently and especially when the mood strikes them. Did the parents really think anything they were doing in the privacy of their bedroom would shock a 13-year-old in the Internet Age? To think otherwise is so Ozzy and Hariet.
7
I’ve encountered many different ways of having sex or making love in my life, many of which wouldn’t be printable even in euphemism, but I’ve never encountered that I know of someone who actually has sex under the covers. I though that was just for TV.
13
Many years ago I was visiting my father, stepmother and step sisters. My girlfriend and five year old daughter were with me. My stepmother didn't want my girlfriend and I to sleep together with her daughters (12 and 15) in the house. So we slept on the screened porch. There was a thunderstorm, my daughter was scared and the 12 year old came to get me. Let's just say see got a full moon from me. I quickly dressed and went inside. She smiled sweetly and said "sorry I had to interrupt you guys".
7
I hate to bring sobriety to this otherwise fun discussion (I’ve enjoyed a few great belly-laughs from these comments), but the daughter was probably so blasé because she’s seen far racier, steamier, more titillating sex on Pornhub for possibly a couple years now.
Sad but true: the NYT has even covered the fact that most kids get their sex ed from porn these days.
4
I walked in one Sunday morning around 7:00AM. I could not have been more than 9, and 7:00 was definitely way too early for me to wake up at that age. I walked in, saw, immediately understood then silently backed out. Not sure to this day if my parents noticed. But was one of the weirdest incidents in my life.
7
My parents’ bed collapsed one night when I was six, and all seven of us children came running.
After that, they often locked the door at night. So I’d knock and invariably be let in.
I figured it out when I was about 40!
24
When visiting a girl-friend in NYC on a Sunday morning, I happened to wander over to the living-room window. Across the alley, one floor down, about thirty feet away, was a clear view of a bed with two twenty-something people in full action. There were no curtains, and I had an unobstructed view of the scene. Then, to my surprise, I noticed three little children, all toddlers, playing with some toys on the same bed. I called my friend over and asked her if this was a common occurrence. She said it was totally routine, and the kids were almost always there. We both agreed that it's a whole lot healthier than having little kids see their parents fighting and screaming at each other, so why not? It's life. It's natural. It's healthy. The kids will grow up knowing where they came from.
11
@Stu Uhhhhh....no.
20
@Stu I dont know... in theory I see your point, but boundaries!! That would be a little too much for me.
13
I don't think we ever were caught. My wife insisted, even if the kids weren't home, that the bedroom door be locked. Made me go check every time.
Even now, as empty nesters with kids grown and out, if anyone is visiting, the door gets locked -- sometimes even when no one is home, because you never know.
We're almost 60, and still going strong!
16
I witnessed my parents once when I came home early from College. I caught my oh so proper and strict parents on the bedroom floor and still haven't gotten over it.
So now I get up and lock my bedroom door. I have a daughter who would have been traumatized many times already if it wasn't for a good lock on the bedroom door.
16
there are ways to work around the problem of kids walking in on you. We used to have a quick matinee when the kids were in school...
7
Who does things under the covers anyway when under the stars on a blanket or in the kitchen is so much more romantic?
11
Made me think of when our four year-old daughter appeared magically at our elbows when my wife and I were vigorously carrying on one night . . .
She announced in a grieved tone, "Mommy, my ear hole is growing." The combination of the situation and the odd message had immediate deflationary effects and we both turned toward her in chorus and asked, "What?!" in puzzled tones.
Seems she was in the process of getting an ear infection . . . anyway, she didn't seem to be concerned about what weird adult thing we were up to, just wanted us to do our parental duties and center all our attentions on her.
54
@KCox . . .
Maybe not four, but daughter climbed in and went to sleep while the band played on.
3
This reminds me of one of the funniest episodes of "Modern Family" when , in bringing their parents breakfast in bed for their anniversary, they discover their parents going at it. Luke, the youngest, after being told by his older sister that Mom and Dad were playing a game, he observes, "Well, whatever game it was, Dad was winning!"
43
I’m 66 and recently married (my first such commitment) to a great guy. It’s been decades since I laughed like I did reading this to my husband.
I’m the quiet one when we ...
17
Very cool daughter - congratulations on raising such a relaxed human.
65
This made me smile as I thought to myself "you did a great job raising your daughter." Thanks for sharing!
29
Thank you for sharing this. I also appreciate reading something with a lighter touch instead of the heavy, frightening stories we read about almost every day lately...
28
In the words of Larry the Cable Guy:
“Did ya ever see your parents having sex?”
(General tittering)
“Well, I just did. Last week. That’s the last time I ever visit THAT web site!”
(Screaming laughter)
87
@David G
I almost spit my breakfast up reading that! Hsysterical!!
5
@David G
I might have snorted with this one.
5
What a happy Freudian moment.
Don't be jealous.
Be grateful that you still have them.
12
She’s a teenager. She knows what sex is. She knows it’s what led to her being born. And she knows she can’t unsee what she saw. So she saw no reason to talk about it. Sounds like a pretty rational kid.
51
@Jack Sonville: Indeed. But rationality is very often not a significant part of dealing with sex (and not just for young adults, either).
It's probably one of the human activities least governed by rationality.
12
If you haven’t instructed your children to knock or announce themselves when entering your bedroom then you are asleep at the switch. It’s called manners.
Having read here about a sweaty 49 year old I feel for the kid. Gross. Get a lock for your door fools.
25
@D priest
Funny. And I thought Americans were the pseudo-puritanical remnant of colonial Britain.
And there's less fun if there's no risk. ;)
1
Divorce would be far more upsetting to your daughter than sex. On some level she must realize your relationship is strong. Perhaps that is comforting.
54
I'm incredible impressed, nearly 50 and still at it. You should get an award! Honestly. Best regards, D.A., NYC (51 years old and missing it).
17
@Davin Anderson - Whoa dude! That is the saddest comment I have read in a long time. I am way older than you am very ‘active’, and divorced.
5
@David Anderson. You think nearly 50 is old to still be at it? My parent were in their 80s when Mom said Dad was cranky because he wasn’t getting sex as much as he used to.
10
@David Anderson, sounds like perimenopause or menopause has thrown a wrench in the works. It’s common and sad for some of us. There are real physical reasons for this. I went to my psychiatrist and gyn for help.
1
I think at that age we can't imagine our parents having sex. In my married life, we once had a threesome when one of the cats walked up on top of me and lay down, quite comfortable.
35
@Mike S. Same thing happened to us, except that the cat enjoyed the ride!
1
Caught my parents once as a kid didn't say anything but remember in the morning mom having a smile and dad commenting how do you think we go you and you siblings (ugh) it wasn't magic honey, then as an adult home from college, and then once when I had to move back in for a short time I joked with them someone got lucky
7
She sounds like a smart and likable kid. Well done.
16
Good for the parents for enjoying each it without the covers. Next stop should be the backyard under the stars. Celebrate each other! Life is too short.
25
Since we’re also celebrating Apollo 11 this week, here’s my story at age 13.
My buddy and I (who I’m still friends with) weren’t quite sure what a condom is. We snooped around, found one in his father’s drawer, unraveled it, examined it, rolled it back up (it was clean), and needed a place to hide it.
I had just built a model of the Lunar Lander, and it had an escape hatch. We hid that Trojan warrior in the LEM’s escape hatch.
Unfortunately, my parents were getting into the Apollo spirit, and placed my model on top of the old B&W tv, including its new cargo contents.
I nearly fainted when I saw them hand-flying that model around the room in a fit of technological patriotism! Lucky for me, the escape hatch was secure, and no one discovered the contraband.
122
This is why for hundreds, maybe thousands of years they have had locks on doors.
38
True story: Parents in law, when they were very much younger, were making love missionary style when their youngest child walked into their bedroom. The preschool child said “ What are you doing” to which my father in law quickly answered “playing horsy with mommy”. The child then proceeded to climb on top of his father to join the ride!
63
Anti-dote? A lock on the bedroom door
9
It'll never not be weird to see one's parents "in flagrante" but that's different from scarred for life. Like the author, I have a background in public health, and I told my son the basics of sex when he was six, because someone was having a baby and he wanted to know "how." A few months later, boys at his school were sharing their expert and incorrect knowledge of conception--stuff they picked up who-knows-where. At dinner, my son announced some of their sillier theories, then said, "I told them, you guys need to talk to your mothers." I was quietly happy: I never would have said that about my own mother, who regarded discussions of sex with shame and outrage. Ms. Finn's account is one that demonstrated that sometimes what is not said is just as important as what IS said.
38
I caught my parents and it was one of the most traumatic episodes of my life. Whew!
10
The idea of writing about this for a national newspaper makes me cringe. I don't get parents who write about their kids (even with names redacted). Seems the height of self-indulgence to me, even more so than not bothering to lock the door.
40
@Person - and yet you read the article... e y e r o l l
6
@Person
Seems like you could learn from the daughter and let go of your hangups. This is life.
6
My 81 yr old mom has told me and my siblings that when she passes, she wants her ashes and my stepfather's ashes - he passed 9 years ago - scattered at a camp site in PA.
She said it was the last place they had really good sex.
And we will do as she wishes.
135
Ha! Living in a small house and raising three kids, I get it.
I would recommend getting kids involved in 4H at a young age if possible.
Makes a lot of things that frighten the daylights out of parents seem...natural.
28
Read this with my 11 year old daughter while waiting for daycamp carpool. Hard to say who enjoyed it more, me or her.
18
No locks on our door in Madrid Spain in the sixties...my husband and I used to slide furniture in front of our door during siesta time when the kids were less deeply asleep.
25
As a medical student visiting my parents during break, I was shocked one morning when my mother, peri-menopausal at the time, brought out a pregnancy test kit and asked me how to use it. Fortunately, my professionally training took over and I matter-of-factly explained the instructions to her. Fifteen minutes later, to both of our relief, we found out that I wasn’t going to have another sibling.
42
My all time favorite story of this nature was told by one of the commentators on a morning TV show years ago. He said he and his wife looked up after making love to discover their four year old daughter had been watching. Horrified, they told her Mommy and Daddy were just wrestling. She stared at them a minute, then said, "Daddy won" and left the room.
102
It would be interesting to know how many of us WEREN'T caught. My 6 y/o son "caught" us and never said a word (granted, it was like 1 a.m.)
12
By age 13, most kids are acutely aware of what takes place in private and are usually too focused on anticipating their first experience to make a big deal about mom and dad enjoying the very thing they and everyone else at any age is thinking about. Remember the moment fondly and move on. In the time it took to read this article the event took place thousands of times across the country and the world. Nicely written.
27
I can't believe nobody else has said this... Congratulations! Good on you! It's sounds like you've managed to maintain a healthy sex life all around and your daughter sounds like a peach! You've apparently done what MANY married people have failed to do. You've kept your sense of humor. Good Job! Keep it up!
232
@Tom Jones
Ok, let’s face it sex can be quite rough and will look very rough and strange to a child of any age. So, then how do you explain this to a child, when it looks like dad is hurting mom?
6
@Scientist I question whether a 13yr old is that naive. Never the less, in this case, she's parented by a Mother who loves her enough to have explained the more important things in life early and often enough that her child understands the act within the context of her parents marriage. Nothing could be better in my opinion.
16
@AV Poller: I wasn't that naive (in the mid-1970s) and kids today are exposed to stuff I couldn't even have dreamed of, and casually.
I am actually amazed that anyone, in thinking back on their own lives, would believe that your typical teenager born post-WWII, anyway, would be completely in the dark about sex. It defies all evidence, anecdotal and otherwise.
4
I never saw my parents having sex. My children never saw my husband and me having sex. I do not want to see my children having sex.
I do not think “Family” means you share everything.
38
My bitterly unhappy alcoholic parents punctuated their long seasons of rage and fights by doing it on the living room sofa, totally naked.
Your daughter will be just fine. You will be too. I'm not so sure about a few of my childhood friends.
48
Could have done with a more subtle illustration. The graphics are too graphic for this charmingly written, not about anything much story in which no one is harmed, all feelings are respected (even the dog's) and life goes on as before. That ain't a story.
8
The parents reacted immature , with her age as a teenager there should n t be any secrets of human nature not known to her. It is embarrassing for all of them but they will learn from it and will move on.
No need locking doors in a family house just knocking at the door and asking to enter , that s it.
That is the only thing the parents should have said to her . Educate her about manners.
9
@Newscast2. Manners? In America? You gotta be kidding.
4
@Newscast2. thats literally how the story ends
1
I couldn't stop laughing the whole time reading such a wonderful, joyous, humorous article!
It reminds me - one night, when I knew/heard my parents making love in their bedroom (I was already trying to fall asleep in my own bedroom next door) - on the next evening, my mother leans over my father, who is sitting at the dinner table, in a very sensual way, and then looks at me, also sitting at the dinner table, and said, "Your father was sooo good!!
He was fully embarrassed, and said strongly "Millie!!".
I was lucky. My mother was very open about sex, sexuality. They were a good pair - lasted over 50 years....
53
The best comment was "If the door is closed, just knock.
14
Um kids the internet and tv. Parents are boring. Lock the door though, very simple.
6
Hahahahahahaha! That was great. Lots of fun to read. I smiled the whole time. Then I remembered when I walked in on my mother and her long-term boyfriend in the hallway of our house. They were naked in a chair, doing it, and had no idea I was even there. My stomach is bothering me now...
17
My wife and I were having a discussion one afternoon in our kitchen about the last time we had been intimate when a voice came up from the basement: ‘ I can hear you, you know!’ Yep, it was our teenage daughter. My wife covered her mouth in horror, I could not stop laughing!
62
I’m loving this story and all the comments! Pish-posh to all you TMIers. Sex is one of the blessings of life.
A flip side to all these stories about kids walking in on their parents is a parent walking in on one their adult children. This happened to two of my gay friends who are in a relationship. One of the men’s 60-something mother was staying with them for a few months while her condo was under construction. One weekend afternoon they were getting frisky with the door closed when the mom suddenly walked in without knocking. (See? It’s not just kids who intrude.)
The poor son was absolutely mortified. He wouldn’t come out of the bedroom for hours afterward. His husband had to talk to the mom about appropriate behavior in their house and knocking on doors before entering.
27
Under the covers like normal parents?
24
Unfortunately, I feel like I'm reading Cosmo.
18
I think maybe you haven't picked up Cosmo in a long time...
15
What's worse is the comment my daughter dropped in her twenties, "The first time I walked in on you and Mom really freaked me out." Neither my wife nor I ever remember our daughter walking in on us, but she is really good at yanking our chains.
21
First time I’ve laughed out loud reading anything in the New York Times. And I’ve been a subscriber for the entirety of the Trump administration.
What a touching, humorous essay on your family life. Your daughter is wise beyond her years. She reminds me of my own daughter, without the accidental viewing of amorous hijinks.
Thank you
35
@Mike Boland Sorry, Mike, but the NYT readers and similar folks are the least amused concerning any aspect of the Trump administration. Other folks are having a good time. Lighten up!
My introduction was scary- no scene to walk into but a cacophony of sounds spiraling upstairs through the furnace vent in my parents room to my room above. It sounded like my mother was being hurt to me - very frightening to my 10 year old self.
10
Ya. I remember looking up early one morning and seeing 4 sets of big blue eyes staring at us. My husband jumped up, put on some sweats and yelled "ok, who wants pancakes?" And that was it.
97
@karen
Best.Recovery.Ever.
31
I was too young to understand what I had seen at the time--maybe 5 or 6; but the first thing that happened was a great flurry of sheets and a big grouchy bark from my dad, which scared me to death (I did not know why he barked at me!) But in my mature years, I remember the incident with great fondness, because my parents were having great fun, and really loving what they were doing and loving each other. And they were laughing. I am sorry I spoiled it for them, but I love the memory.
50
Hi Robin,
I think that is a lovely and amusing story, I think children are so more mature these days than what we give them credit for.
but I can imagine how you must have felt. great story.
10
Many years ago to prevent such a thing I installed a large hook and eye on my bedroom door. Easy enough to pop it out in case of fire, which never happened. It did its job.
16
My brothers and I made light sport of barging in on my dad and stepmom. Looking back I’m surprised at how patient they were!
8
A lovely story, about a loving family.
That’s life!
76
@Kathleen
Awww. How can you really know how “lovely” things are and how true the events recounted are?
5
@Scientist Because like most Americans we still believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. Despite how our leaders behave, I know that we're mostly a bunch of humans just trying to make it to the next day, and mean no one any harm.
21
How old/mature is your daughter? I’m thinking wise and mature beyond her years. But I’m thinking it also reflects very well on both the job the parents have done and how well their daughter has listened and learned. We should all be so lucky in this world.
101
What a waste of space. I thought this was a newspaper.
36
Lighten up, Frances. Every single thing does not need to be heady and serious. A moment of levity is not such a bad thing sometimes.
180
@Antoine It is indeed a newspaper. And this is a column about family life, not hard-hitting investigative journalism. Try the world affairs section.
I thought Taosenos were a relaxed bunch. ; )
34
@Antoine
I read the NYT on the internet, as do you, apparently. There is effectively infinite space in the NYT online. Rest assured that no bad news has been crowded out by this lighthearted little tale.
72
Why not LOCK your door, dorks...
33
@mary Not all doors lock, sadly. I learned this the hard way.
10
Me and my sis walked in on my parents one time and I’m scarred for life! Just kidding, I’m old now, but it was DEFINITELY embarrassing lol.
19
That’s nothin’...
I was 13 and “washing” myself in the shower, except I wasn’t in the shower! My older brother burst in and asked me if I wanted pancakes for breakfast!
7
I got such a surprise when I got nearly to the end and realized there was only going to be one dad and one husband in the story.
11
Try it with 2-dogs and 4-cats. A regular animal house...
19
Before McMansions and a bedroom for every kid, people lived in one room log cabins with 12 kids....I suspect those kids had to have seen something. Some how they all turned out ok.
Its sex folks. Not a big deal.
167
@Doug How do you know they all turned out ok?
20
@Doug -- Sex -- much better than violence to witness!
1
Next time, consider locking the bedroom door.
15
@Eli If only all bedroom doors locked!
6
I went into my son's bedroom to see how he was feeling after the removal of wisdom teeth. After a short discussion, a head popped out from under the covers - his girlfriend. I guess he was feeling O.K.
180
@Boomer Now THAT is a great story.
21
@Rocky Thanks Rocky, They are both now in their forties and happily married very interestingly to people from other countries, Mexico and Vietnam!
14
@Boomer thata wouldnt have happened in my house. As a kid nor as a parent ..yuck.
3
I walked in on my parents doing it when I was 12 or so. My dad later said”next time if the door is closed then please knock.” That was enough for both of us.
They didn’t hide having sex. I heard them on Sunday mornings, but I had never seen anything until that day. The weirdest thing for me was seeing my father without his glasses.
211
@Irwin Hewitt Oh, the glasses comment really slayed me! I laughed endlessly. Thanks for sharing!
46
I usually read the WSJ, but the site did not open. This was refreshing. But I thought the moto was "all the news that's fit to print." Is this news?
14
@Frank Rao Its not "news", but then neither are book or movie reviews; Not everything in the WSJ is news either. Even the WSJ has a comic, something the NYT doesn't.
21
I guess it's a sign of the times we live in that there are so many critical comments being posted:
"Why is this being published... who cares?"
"Lock your door"
"It's weird to have sex under covers"
"The daughter's the mature one..."
Geez, people. Get a life or learn to appreciate (self-depreciating) humor.
375
Oops. Seems l left out a couple of words in my pedantic correction of your usage. Serves me right. ADD.
This made me laugh outloud:
"But I believed my daughter’s assurance that she was not scarred for life. She seemed unfazed by the whole thing. She turned down my offer to discuss The Incident, but when I told her I was writing about it, she read the essay and offered her own edits. I said, “Who are you? My daughter or my editor?” She just patted me on the arm and said, “It’s going to be O.K., Mom.”"
49
Rather sad to read how uptight the US Americans are.
80
Too much information
25
I once prevented my younger sister from barging in on my parents. I fail to understand why it would be necessary for parents to mention this at all, especially to a 13 year old, unless the goal is to ensure that the child is embarrassed.
7
How to respond when interrupted:
A rousing duet, adapted from G&S Mikado:
"This oh this, oh this, this is what we'll never do, never do..."
6
This is a publishable NYT article? How? Why? And more importantly, who cares?
96
@bored critic I guess you and I stand alone on this point. It's what I call the "USA Todayization" of the New York Times.
31
Well why did you read it? I found it relatable, refreshing and well written. Perhaps you could be more selective in the future.
146
@Lee--thats a great analogy. And so true.
1
My parents hated each other, so if I had seen them getting romantic I would have been happy for them, but also wondering if Hell had finally frozen over.
37
I think it's funny that the daughter was less embarrassed than the parents. It shows that yes mom, you have done a good job talking about sex with your kids.
And when the write talks about covering up like "normal parents," I think she's being sarcastic. I mean, whose parents are normal?
Also, her husband did say she had whispered some "things" and that she's a loud whisperer, and that she wishes they had been in the missionary position. It's obvious these two middle-aged people were having fun!
80
"And the dog sleeps in our room and I don’t like him to see, so we usually stay under the sheets."
Can it be that no one else commented on this ? Definitely the funniest line of the story.
310
@jar
I commented on that, too.
3
Well, the dog remembers when you took him on that trip to the Vet and what they did to him.
31
@jar Our two cats cannot understand why at certain moments they get pushed unceremoniously off the bed, where they do most of their sleeping. The worst thing is that they will often try to creep back onto the bed in the thick of things, which usually ends with my husband and me bursting out laughing. “Catus interruptus.”
35
Why do you keep saying you were caught? You were in your own house, in your own bedroom. You weren't caught. Intruded on, perhaps. Caught makes it sound as though you were doing something wrong.
105
@Amy Steindorff Sex shame down through the generations doesn't dissipate overnight. Religion, the gift that keeps on giving...
22
@Amy Steindorff: Apparently caught implies red-handed to some.
For me, it just means unexpectedly discovered. And even though no one was doing anything wrong in that bedroom, very few of us ever have the thought of "putting on a show" and when it happens unintentionally, well . . .
5
@Rocky sad, but true.
1
It's a lot different if you're seen making babies or jewelry.
11
My parents would never do anything like that! And my dear, sweet Grandmother? Don't even think about it!
19
@connecticut yankee
Dream on!
11
If you were doing it on the kitchen table, there might be some kind of social foul to call. But the kid walked in on you. Great opportunity to show how much mom and dad still love each other and remind her of her origins!
37
@Frank
Well that's one way of describing a trip down memory lane.
4
@S Woody
Very clever - never thought of it that way .
13 years old, ouch! I was really expecting her to say her 5 year old walked in on her.
8
@BCnyc
Why "ouch"?
3
@BCnyc
What I wonder about here is Why she wasn't taught to knock? At 13 I would have thought that would have been an established norm.
8
"What are you doing?"
"Ummm, playing Star Wars!"
It worked for a friend of mine. I think his kid was younger though.
16
I heard my parents regularly when I was growing up, and it was always a relief that they weren’t as lame as I liked to think. It’s so normal but it is funny being caught.
18
Who said it's a dtandard to have sex under the covers? We absolutely never do. Sounds somewhat prudish to say that's the standard for parents and those who don't are abnormal. I don't know what goes on in other households but I'm pretty sure it's not a norm to have sex under the covers. Maybe you should consider locking your door instead.
13
@Jacomodi
How about mirrors on the ceiling and pink champagne on ice?
15
One afternoon, when we thought our son was still napping, my wife and I took advantage of the time alone upstairs in our bedroom in our Cape Cod. As we were finishing up I heard my wife say, “what’s up, bud”? at which point I heard our very precocious 3 yr. old say, “I was just about to ask you the same thing”. I had to bury my head in the pillow to keep from laughing hysterically. We never had to discuss it with him but it was a great story to tell to his aunts and uncles at a family reunion. Not surprisingly that young man is a doctor now.
195
Funny True Story:
My friends were having sex on top of the covers when all of a sudden they hear their 3 yr old yell "Stop Shaking the Bed!" He was below them at the bottom of the bed under the covers. :-)
87
@Dolly Patterson One of my co-workers related a similar story when they heard a tiny voice say "I want to ride the horsey too."
1
Sex is normal. Leaving your door open is not. Had four children who never entered our room without knocking!
4
@Ray Paltoo
Nope. Florida is not normal.
22
Don't people have locks on the door?
14
Wait a second. You were a sexuality educator for Planned Parenthood in college, and had a master’s degree in public health from Columbia.
But then you were embarrassed to make love in front of your dog?!
76
@DD
Maybe she was afraid rover would want to join in?
13
@DD Maybe she was worried the dog wanted to participate.
13
@DD Of course she was. There was that time they took the dog to the vet and ... well, he was never the same again.
And when she tried to have that 'talk' with him, he just did not listen
25
“Trust me, Bart. It's better you walk in on both parents than to walk in on just one.”
Milhouse Van Houten
The Simpsons
294
Gee, talk about teasing. "Not missionary?" Is that it? Details, we want details!
22
OMG that is hilarious and to a certain degree embarrassing. However, in this internet age where porn is everywhere apparently this generation is a lot more grounded than we were at their age.
11
Uh, normal to be under the covers? Gosh, news to us... Do you also do the sheet with a hole in it thing? ;-)
Of course, we lock the door...
10
My mom passed away after my dad. They were in their 80's. After her funeral, and still deep in mourning and sadness, I proceeded to begin cleaning out my parents' apartment. I would find photo albums containing pictures of my parents, my late brother and me, and the tears would flow again.
I found a small notebook. The pages were filled with my dad's handwriting - reminiscences about he and mom during their last years of a very long and happy marriage.
They had moved into the apartment while both were in their late 60's. Dad's note on their move-in day: "Moved in today. Ordered pizza and watched a movie together, great fun, lots of laughing. Annie and I then had sex on our living room floor. Luv her so much."
I began to laugh as I realized that if I was still a teen and had discovered this notebook, the idea of my parents "doing it" - on the living room floor, no less - would have made me cringe. But as an adult, I was so happy to know mom and dad still enjoyed each other's physical love. It helped heal my sense of loss from their deaths.
588
@Tony
I simply love your story. I could see my mother writing a similar paragraph in the journals she kept.
Sorry for your loss.
17
@Marge Keller Thank you for your kind reply.
9
@Tony
Sorry for your lost, Tony and I edited my journals.
2
Great great article. It is very moving and one of the best first-person stories that one happily and frequently finds in the TImes the last few years. So tired of just all the depressing news and analysis. Let's have more of these.
135
I never walked in on my parents but I did wake up one night to go to the bathroom and could hear them in the bedroom and knew instinctively they were having sex because I was a sexually active teenager by that point in my life and knew the sounds of people having sex.
However, I did get caught on a number of occasions (sex outside or semi-public places brings that risk), but in terms of family, my much younger brother caught me with my girlfriend when he came home from school early. I just told him that he would understand when he was older.
And on another occasion my mother caught me in the basement and I didn't even know it until later. She had gone down to get something from the laundry room and saw me and my girlfriend going at it when she went back upstairs. Mom didn't say anything then, but she did talk to me later. She said that that there was probably no use in telling me to stop when it seemed like I was enjoying myself so she just wanted to make sure I was using protection and I told her I always used protection and that was it.
67
@IM455
A great mother!
27
Under the covers is "normal"? I've known an awful lot of abnormal people in my life if that's the case.
20
@Barbyr and @Patrick Sewall, I think that was meant to be tongue in cheek.
14
@doy1
Tongue-in-cheek? Oh, so THAT'S what they were doing!!
6
Maybe so, but this column definitely traumatized me.
50
@Bob Jack
Yes, me, too. And now I can’t unread it.
14
@Bob Jack--I really don't get why people don't 1) teach their children NEVER to come in without knocking and/or 2) lock the bedroom door. When I was a kid, I would never even have thought of barging into my parents' bedroom without knocking, nor would I have followed one of them into the bathroom, or any of the other things that parents seem to consider inevitable these days. Why do parents not teach their children to respect their privacy? I really don't get it.
3
@me
I wonder if parents knock on their children’s doors before entering? One teaches by example.
5
It really shouldn't be a big deal, it's just what we individually are accustomed to. My friend in Holland would go to nude beaches in Europe where the family of four would go completely nude, even dad. Again, it's what you are accustomed to.
One July day at our busy town beach, at the edge of all the others in the water, a young couple were waist deep in the water, joined at the hips, thrusting...At the time it was surprising and funny; just yesterday I was thinking about how natural it seemed.
24
@Alexia I miss my home country.
15
@Alexia. There really is a world of options between being completely against sexuality and public nudity and sex. Family or public nudity is not always a paradise; it is fine to have boundaries and privacy.
3
“Under the covers like normal parents”?!?! Who does it under the covers? Way too warm!
18
Responses here extremely telling.
S. Freud
100
On the opposite side, when our daughter would nag my wife and not leave our bedroom, my wife would tell her "Dad and I are about to have sex"--and our daughter would flee immediately.
Unfortunately for me, my wife would then resume watching Netflix.
780
@DSM14
Too too true!
14
@DSM14 Generally speaking, and with many exceptions, women - unlike men, who can go from zero to sixty at the slightest provocation - need a bit of seduction or wooing to get in the mood, especially when their minds are on other things, like TV. In compensation, when the ancient Greek who spent part of his life as a man, and part as a woman, was asked to say who enjoyed sex more, he answered: "women."
15
@Robert Crosman For which he was struck blind by Hera, who did not wish to hear that answer. And was then given the gift of prophecy by Zeus in compensation. Anyway, don't tell the goddesses in your life what they don't want to hear.
4
One reason she probably didn't freak out was that like most kids these days, she's been exposed to porn. Even though no one wants to catch their parents in the act, the act itself is nothing to get excited about.
I think of my youth in the 60s and 70s with maybe a chance encounter with Playboy or Hustler and today's average kid who would not be extraordinary for seeing countless images of the most depraved types of sex. It blows my mind. Sometimes I think we are rushing back in time to when our cave-dwelling ancestors did it in front of the community.
10
@Ruby
How about she wasn't freaked out because she was raised in a house that actually talked about human sexuality and healthy intimate relationships?
My parents raised me and my two sisters the same way. Age appropriate discussion about where babies come from and a trip to Planned Parenthood for birth control options when that came up.
Common sense good parenting, not porn, at work here.
54
@Morgan: The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
You'd be very hard-pressed to find a child who has internet access that hasn't had any exposure to porn, often by seeking it out once "the curious age" comes along.
2
I haven’t read all the comments so don’t know if anyone has mentioned this yet but what’s wrong with locking your bedroom door?
20
@Dona Price Not all have locks. Fire code.
6
@Dona Price
OMG. There are about a thousand posts here scolding them for not locking their door.
Jeez. They got amorous and a little careless. It happens. Get over it, people!
Sort of missing the entire point of the story.
4
Just be thankful you had a partner...
29
Mom (86) and Dad (93) are gone now 3 years. They died in their 70th year together, 9 months apart. Met in 1946. Mom was 16 and gorgeous; told Dad she was 19. Dad back from the Pacific (where he tells me and my brothers that we likely have half-siblings) and fresh out of the Navy CB's, was 22. Married 3 years later. Cleaning out the house to sell and came upon their bottle of Viagra, with just a few blue pills in it. Just brought a smile to all of us. Never heard them while we were growing up even with our bedrooms all attached. Never thought about them 'doing it'. Just glad they had each other.
129
@Greg Nice that you referred to it as "their" Viagra. For my wife and I, both "seniors," the pills are tadalifil, known also as Cialis. They are our pills, and we think it is absurd when people complain of insurance paying for them (not all policies do, unfortunately) as a part of their legitimate complaint that insurance denies payment for women's medical needs. Those needs should be provided for, but when medication for erectile dysfunction is prescribed, it benefits the couple involved, not just the male.
21
Look at the bright side.
We only got to read about this, and didn't watch it on YouTube.
62
@KJ Best Comment1 You Win the Internet!
@KJ
Try Youtube under :" Walked in on my parents..."
Robin Finn should write a follow up about how she got her daughter's permission to use her as a character in this piece, and the reaction of her daughter's friends - both boys and girls - to these disclosures. Also whether it would have been OK - or creepy - if a man had written this piece.
14
@Atheologian
She doesn't need to write a follow up since as stated (in the article that you didn't fully read) that she had shown her daughter the article before publishing.
25
@Stephen You're right, I missed it, she got the consent of her 13 year old daughter. Do you think it was informed consent? Perhaps the writer can tell us if she offered her daughter the oppty to consult a disinterested adult. I'd also like to know how her daughter's friends responded and whether the writer thinks it would have been creepy if a man had written the story. Heart on my sleeve, I think it was creepy that she wrote it!
2
If you walk in on your daughter I hope you are as understanding as she is.
50
I must have missed the memo that normal parents are supposed to stay under the covers.
8
@CynicallyHopeful Do try harder. This, and the dog, is why.
4
My daughter once asked: “Dad, why do you take a shower ... and then turn around and take another shower, like, 15 minutes later?”
53
@Phil
Just 15 minutes?!?
14
What's all the fuss about?
It sounds like mom was in a submissive sexual position and loving the experience. Why is this something to be embarrassed about, let alone feel guilty about?
It's funny how "open" so many Americans think they have become about sex, yet they're worried about the dog or their kids finding out.
Yet it wasn't that long ago Americans sired a dozen children with 3 generations living in a 500 square foot cabin. How much privacy did they have?
19
@Mobocracy
Spot on except for the comment about the submissive sexual position. She did say that she wishes it could have been missionary, but all we know is that it wasn't. That says nothing else.
10
@Mobocracy
It was cowgirl
13
@Mobocracy, almost none - which is probably why they usually did it in total darkness, under the covers, and "got it over with" quickly. Wives were just supposed to submit, not enjoy it.
6
My daughter would have had exactly the same response. Embarrassing, but what will stick is an unintentional lesson in parental love. It's not all about the kids.
25
I'd say that most of us have, at one time or another, either been the caught or the catcher.
I certainly wasn't "traumatized for life" by being the catcher, but was for a couple of hours at the very least.
I can also understand why anyone caught has an instant reaction of trying to "cover up/hide," but that does leave the distinct impression that one has been caught doing something wrong, which sex isn't. But I don't think I'd react any differently were I caught. There are just certain things where the chosen participants are the only ones meant to see or have anything to do with.
12
@guyslp--I have certainly never been either the caught or the catcher, despite having been continually sexually active since my long-ago teenage years. Why haven't I ever been either caught or catcher? Because my parents, peers, friends, and I all know how locks on doors work.
5
@me: Well, if the number of shared stories in the comments hasn't convinced you that your experience is an outlier, then nothing will.
Many doors don't have locks, for starters.
@me: Well, clearly, the rest of us are just plain stupid, I guess, rather than human.
If I see one more person saying, "Don't you know how to use a lock?," or, "Don't you know better than to open a closed door?," I think I'll scream.
Accidents will happen, and pretending that anyone to whom they have happened is some sort of dimwit is disingenuous, to say the least.
4
So Elizabethan, or was it Victorian.
2
Elizabethan. They were far cooler and more open about their bodies and sex in general than the Victorians.
1
I wish my mom had learned to knock when I was in High School.
We never had the "talk" and never spoke about it, ever.
10
@FrankWillsGhost: What is there to say, really, that can make either party feel any better about the whole thing?
It happens (or happened), and there are those occasions where "pretending it never happened" is the best of all possible solutions.
11
@Mary Dawson: Ms. Dawson, please read the post by FrankWillsGhost again.
Believe me, what he's describing being walked in on while doing has *nothing* to do with how anyone "got here."
1
Seems more that some basic politeness training got missed out early on. If a door is closed that means you knock before entering. That's how we taught our kids.
It works the same for bedrooms - I certainly didn't want to walk in on my son or daughter having a private moment, and bathrooms - either at home or at Starbucks! If the door is closed: knock.
We don't use door locks on any internal doors, and the simple rule is if it's closed - KNOCK.
50
@David, yes, I thought that was odd, too. Also that a 13 year old would just enter her parents' bedroom when the door was closed - a 3 year old or even 5 year old, I'd understand. But a 13 year old?!?
19
My parents were never the PDA type and as far as we children could tell, we had to have been immaculate conceptions, all of us. Until one morning in middle school, I woke up uncharacteristically early. Even more uncharacteristically, I got out of bed right away to start getting ready. Which how I came upon what was possibly the neatest tied-up condom in history, sitting all pretty and powder blue against the cerulean porcelain of the bathroom sink.
After the first few seconds of surprise, I just moved with my morning routine to the other bathroom. I remember briefly considering throwing it out in the kitchen trash before deciding against it, because well, because, neat and powder blue or not, eeeeew!!! And also, how else would they learn? (Mom that yes, trash cans do have a place in the bathroom, and dad that no you can't be lazy when sharing a bathroom with your teenager.)
The mature first-born part of me was amused at my poor dad's slip-up and kind of relieved that my parents did in fact have a sex life. The regular teenage part of me got herself ready and off to the carpool in flash. I wasn't scarred and certainly not about to wait for anyone to change that by waking up wanting to "talk about it." Mercifully, my parents also thought it best to pretend nothing happened. The episode remains undiscussed to this day, and we're all the better for it. Although come to think of it, we did get a small trash can for the bathroom. Hmmm.
81
1950's: Dad alternated working second and night shifts, and we just accepted that Mom would go in to wake him up slowly, as she put it, because he didn't like alarm clocks. It was a different time, so no locks needed. Nobody entered any room to which the door was shut without knocking and waiting for "Come in". I'm like this to this day, old habits.
I have to say I'd much rather my kids catch a glimpse of what real sex in a loving relationship looks like, to offset what they learn from porno.
103
@Jrb
Reminds of a Sherwood Anderson story about parents: Childless couple run a small railroad restaurant, open 24 hours, she on days, he on nights. Only one single bed in back to sleep. So the reader might ask: where did you come from? Well, you see, there was this strike...
3
Oh, what parent has not had the sudden, unexpected "visit"? I laugh now, but the embarrassment and even panic when it happened to us! As far as I know, the one time each daughter caught us doing the "deed," they were young. Still too young to know what on earth mommy and daddy were doing. As they grew older and wiser, they seemed to have learned to avoid looking into our room in the late evening or morning. These newer generations are pretty savvy, far more than when I or my husband were young. Modesty should always be a necessary factor in or out of the family. But, you know, it is a good thing for our sons or daughters to know that their parents are human beings with needs, too.
16
@Kathy Lollock
i so agree Kathy! Yes it can be embarrassing for all parties but raising your children are full of memories and this is one of them. As they mature they will laugh about it and know that their parents had a relationship that was all about them and not just being parents! Yayyy!!!!!
5
Why is it necessary to have so much baggage attached to sexual activity?
Some biological functions we do in public and some we do in private. We all have had the experience of entering a bathroom and seeing someone on the toilet....We apologize and quickly retreat, no big deal!
Think about it....
We have put so much nonsense around sex that if someone happens to see it... its the end of the world, as if we have been caught torturing the family dog!
40
Funny now....not so much then, who knows how long he was standing there, but in shock and a bit of protectionism....he shouted....” what are you doing to Mommy!?”
Thankfully he was three....effected us more than him....I hope
25
I imagine that at least it spoiled the moment.
2
@Jackson Campbell ” what are you doing to Mommy!?”
Placing an order for your little brother
13
Another over-written bit of fluff from the Times. I think there is little likelihood that a thirteen year old girl isn't already fully aware of the birds and the bees and doesn't grasp the mechanics of her own existence.
25
@Lee: The fact that you think this article is about the lack of grasp of the mechanics of human sexuality says more about you than the quality of the article.
It's about the reactions, on both sides of the equation, of catching your parents in flagrante delicto.
38
@Lee Sounds like you missed the point on purpose.
13
@guyslp Well, I understand now. Thank you so much for explaining it to me.
1
If parents didn't have sex, the human race would have died out before they invented beds. Or doors and locks.
17
The kid described in the piece sure seems cool, and probably picked up the sense that, after all the years, her parents still dig each other. An awkward way to give her a gift, to be sure, but it is a gift. She could have been watching murders on TV or internet porn. Instead she saw her parents experiencing consensual physical intimacy without hurting each other. What a concept! Almost un-American...
39
Talk about overdetermined ... one person only here is making so much out of it, and now publishing. Writing teacher, memoirist. Of course. Wow.
>> I’d been a sexuality educator for Planned Parenthood in college. I had a master’s degree in public health from Columbia. I’d had The Talk with my kids many times over the years.
At least your girl will always have an added vivid image of you.
12
The rule my wife and I implemented when our kids were small was very simple, if Mom & Dad's bedroom door is closed, unless you are bleeding, you don't even knock on our bedroom door, especially on a weekend!
19
Young people today are more mature about sex than previous generations. If the daughter in this story is unfazed about walking in on her parents, then the author and her husband did something right.
28
@WPerhaps they should have taught her to knock before entering.
9
@Debbie People make mistakes and forget to knock sometimes. At least this family doesn't have a complete meltdown over a really common human error.
11
For Pete's sake, it's just sex, which is only one of the most natural things in the world. Being hung up about it is so unhealthy, and so common.
8
@J.D. Using the word "Common" to distinguish social class is sooo common. Reminds me of the time the photographer Sally Mann forbade her children to put ketchup on fish because "It's common and I will not have common children." (NYT 9.27.1992)
@Sarah 'common' as in 'widespread among the populace'
11
"..sweaty — always so sweaty!"
I was once told by a girl-friend,
"the word to use is 'glisten,' we don't sweat"
My two brothers and I grew up with our parents bedroom door occasionally, mysteriously, locked. When discovered, when we rattled the doorknob, there was a deep accompanying silence from within. Once our odd circumstantial banishment was recognized, and remained unchanged, we would wonder off to climb trees or play catch. I don't recall discussing the phenomena with our neighbor friends, or whether their parents also would run silent every now and then. And then interestingly after each occurrence, the memory would be forgotten
that is until now.
Mom and Dad were married over 50 years. I'm glad they had their time locked in together.
Thank you
45
The only thing more embarrassing than walking in- Mom writing about it in the NYT
558
@Linda Maryanov Good One !!
18
@Linda Maryanov I remember a hilarious Modern Family episode when the three Dunphee kids (about 15, 13 and 10) walked in on their parents having sex on morning. The 10-year-old son said, "I don't know what they were doing, but it looked like Dad was winning."
I loved that.
32
@Linda Maryanov
Maybe not.
1
Honestly, what is the point of this article? What was there to "talk about?" The girl knew what her parents were doing, and should have knocked. She was 13, not three. Nothing Happened!!!
34
The point...t made me smile!
5
Ever heard of a lock?
17
@Tina- Or cuffs?
9
Your husband sounds traumatized. I hope it doesn't scar him for life.
23
Sure, she should have knocked... but as fully grown adults parents, couldn't you have simply locked your door?
22
Bwahahahaha!!!! Love it!
7
When love is the foundation in a family's formative years, the little blimps on our childhood memory screen will make for good story telling one day in the very near future.
12
No kids at home and our past two big dogs and current small dog really don't care. Putting out current dog results in continual whining by the closed door.
12
@Blue Guy in Red State He just needs to feel a part of things. Cats are the worst, though, with their staring, judgmental vibes.
20
I am astonished by the number of commentators excoriating the author and her husband for not locking the door. They were in the heat of the moment! What happened was perfectly natural and I think more than a scarring incident it was a reassuring incident for the daughter who realized that her parents are not just very much in love but passionately so. The whole purpose of sex ed should be to make such an incident not scarring.
45
@Arbitect--Lock the door at night, when you retire to your room for the evening. Then you can be "in the heat of the moment" without worrying about it.
1
Great story and very well told , reminds me of the time that happened to my wife and I when our then four year old “surprised “ us. Needless to say “ Hey , What are you doing to my Mommy “ has been a catch phrase for us since then .
25
Teach the dog to lock the door.
16
Step 1: Remove the dog from the room.
Step 2: Lock the door.
14
Embarrassing, but normal (but embarrassing!). Not too terribly different, come to think of it, from parents walking in on their adolescent offspring who are allegedly "taking a nap" or "doing homework" with the door closed.
13
Fun article. Here's an idea--how about a lock on your door:)
7
This happened to us years ago. My son asked, what are you doing? My wife said, we’re reading. This seemed to satisfy everyone.
51
@Michael Livingston’s
If you're looking for a denial explanation, "exercising"
would seem to be plausible. But "reading"?
I don't know whether to laugh or feel pity.
9
@Michael Livingston - what an incentive to encourage literacy!
14
I thought it was interesting that she had to tell us that her masters was from Columbia. Because that's relevant, why?
I don't understand why they didn't lock the door.
15
@Charlie Maybe they live in an old house that doesn't have a lock? We have an old place where the bedroom door only locks with an old fashioned long key, which has long gone missing.
Or more likely, maybe they just got into the action without fully waking up or even getting out of bed first? I mean, not everyone is perfectly rational in the heat of the moment!
15
@Charlie--smart enough to have a masters from Columbia, but not smart enough to pick the door. Tells us everything we need to know about her actual level of intelligence.
5
Back in the Stone Ages we used to put a necktie on the exterior doorknob.Not as effective as a lock, but it got thw message across.
2
I think the expression "TMI" was invented for articles like this.
25
I often ponder our modern obsession with keeping sex secret. Not to say that I am willing to do it out in the open, but if we look back at the whole of human history, we modern humans are probably the only ones who have had the luxury of secluding ourselves for the purpose of having sex. I'm sure that when our ancestors wondered the savannas of Africa, it was probably more common than not, that one was observed, either visually or audibly, having sex with one's partner. However, with the invention of religion with its doctrines on sexual shaming, and the slow progress towards a modern life and its emphasis on privacy, we've probably lost that ability to express all of our human traits in more of an opening setting.
25
@Kjensen Check out the Ain Sakhri Lovers, 11,000-year-old sculpture. Not pornographic, but tender.
2
"Teach your parents well" - Stephen Stills.
Looks as if this young lass did.
15
Daughter is 13. Could be worse. You could have walked in on your daughter.
69
I guess I could understand the people who said "you should have locked the door" if we were talking about a five year old. But a 13 year old should know to knock. In any event, this was a beautiful little view of normal family life - with parents who love each other and a smart, calm kid. Honestly, if you think about what some children have to see in this world - keep it in perspective - your parents loving each other is not a bad thing to see! First world problems...
29
This is exact why my parents put a lock on their bedroom door.
5
“Why are you naked?” our four year old son asked, some 20 years ago. If he remembered it, I’m sure he figured it out several years later, and said, “Oh, gross!”
8
In English translation from the German, Sigmund Freud called the subject of this essay "witnessing the primal scene".
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primal_scene
7
@5barris And, did not Freud conclude that great damage would be done if the primal scene was witnessed by the offspring?
1
@Bian
More great damage has been done by adhering to some of the more arcane concepts of Freudian theory.
17
Yes, that's life. If a kids doesn't walk in at some point at least once it would seem odd. Beautiful story.
17
@MED--It most certainly does not seem "odd" to me for a kid NOT to walk in! My siblings and I knew never to come into our parents' bedrooms without knocking. And we never did. Problem solved. When I was in college and read Freud about the "primal scene" I was puzzled because I found it hard to imagine when or how an upper-class child of the type he was writing about would ever walk in on his parents. I understood that poor people often had only one bedroom, so there the children would know what their parents were doing; but that's not the segment of society Freud was writing about. It still baffles me that people think this is "common." Just teach your children to knock, for heaven's sake -- and for good measure, lock the door!
1
nice to read about a well-managed situation that isn't going to leave any of the actors "scarred for life" . . . well done, robin & husband & daughter . . .
8
I am still scarred for life from having caught my parents when I was 11 or 12--definitely an indelible memory! Nobody ever said a word.
6
Jeez. A sex educator who had actually walked in on her own parents long ago -- this is definitely someone who should have mastered the simple art of locking the door. Which most parents master early. There are no excuses, really.
26
@Andy. A 13 year old has probably been told a million times to knock first. Just sayin.
19
Wonderful piece. Your daughter sounds like she has it all together. Be proud of that!
I’m amused by the comments about over-sharing and TMI—apparently not so much that they couldn’t stop reading?
85
A lovely anecdote, affirming on so many levels.
30
I understand and sympathize with the perceived embarrassment - however, I would like to posit that please take a simple step to prevent this kind of interruption in the future - kindly lock your bedroom door from inside.
13
It’s wonderful that you learned this lesson: your teenager deserves your respect as a well formed person. You wouldn’t treat an adult w kid gloves, and you shouldn’t treat her that way either. It’s pedantic and disrespectful. It will serve you well over the next 10 years, which may be significantly more challenging than being embarrassed about your own biological reality.
10
She's thirteen, calm and unflustered. A good influence on her parents!
28
My children were programmed from early on that mom and dad’s room is an adult space and off limits. Knocking is second nature.
17
@Bethesda Resident
That's cool, but not everyone has rules like that. I love having my bedroom open to my kids. Some of our best family memories are of long nights playing games, talking, reading, watching movies with the whole family on the bed. Even now, my teenager climbs on my bed to have long heart-to-hearts with me.
If I want privacy, I lock the door.
13
This is a non-issue. The daughter has had sex ed, she knows that adults have sex. She walked in by mistake, she apologized. There is nothing to say, moving along. Why were the parents making such an issue of it? Truly baffling.
24
When I was very young I assumed that my parents had had intercourse only three times, once for the three sons they had. As I aged into real life, a part of me was still fine thinking that, though of course I knew better.
13
"“I should have knocked,” she said. My husband nodded and said, “I guess you should have knocked.”"
Or the parents should've locked the door to the bedroom. I think it is just a normal precaution when living with kids.
I also don't understand how to have sex under covers. Maybe missionary position with not too much movement will work. But definitely no other position...
13
@Ilya Really? Pick up the Kama Sutra - There are plenty of positions you have partake in under covers.
1
So locking the door was not an option?
yeesh
10
How hard is it to put a simple lock on the door?
11
@NorthStar - Im thankful for your typo because it made my Monday!
1
I don't really relate to this story. Why are we so shocked by a normal event involving unclothed people? There are numerous cultures where this would have been a shrug, but not us. Nudity is even less of an event, but in our culture? I shudder to think of the reaction to some adult, male or female, who decides to work in the garden nude where someone could catch a glimpse of them.
Honestly, I think there is something wrong with us.
28
@Tom Rowe
Hahahaha! I literally laughed out loud picturing people gardening in the nude. Does this happen? Seems super uncomfortable. And if there's poison ivy...
12
We make such a mountain or melodrama out of the simple joys of love and sex. I guess we always will.
7
This is actually humorous. What's the big deal? Americans tend to be too prudish while Europeans are more relaxed. They cover up because they don't want the dog to see? Really? Is the dog taking a video for posting on Facebook or YouTube? Have the dog sleep in the kitchen if its presence is troubling. True, the daughter should have knocked but she didn't. Many kids see their parents getting it on at one time or another and the kids are not scarred for life as it's part of life. In the distant past as well as today, multiple people will live in a single room, shelter or cave and there are no secrets. Grow up!
29
@Mike I am pretty sure our two cats sell tickets.
32
@David
I had a friend with a cat, who peed on her boyfriends clothes while they were busy. Leave it to a cat to have the final say!
20
I love your writing style and sense of humor.
15
Movies and TV shows are FULL of people 'doing it' under the covers.
My FIRST and ONLY thought: THAT IS ABSURD.
No one has sex under the cover, really, do they?
If they do, I'm sorry for them. Unless it's 50 degrees in your room, then maybe ok.
But covers only tangle you up, blunt the skin contact, and impeded the pleasure.
Lock your door.
16
@elained
At the risk of being scolded for TMI, I can tell you that I usually start off under the covers from Oct - May. I'm one of those people who is always freezing. Once things pick up, though, the sheet gets kicked off. But if I spent a winter in Minnesota? Holy cow, there had better be a blanket around.
12
Oh, puhleeze. Try having your first apartment (it's one room), and your mom sees your car in front,You and your girlfriend try to be very quiet in hopes she'll go away, but when she knocks and no one answers, she thinks something is wrong. She gets out her key (neeever give your mother your key), and walks right in. Then talk to me about embarrassment.
41
Okay, this is a British story that involves a tray of tea and a tea cosy to cover the teapot ... the couple had an early morning "nap" and there happened to be a tray of tea in the bedroom. After the "nap", the husband was still "active" and decided to amuse his wife by marching around the room with the tea cosy removed from the teapot and affixed to, er, something else. Much hilarity ensued until their three-year-old daughter emerged from under the bed.
55
why do young people think that older people, parents top the list, never have sex, sexual feelings. Why do young people consider sex between older people "gross"? (well, maybe trump and melania) but, yes, a closed door requires a knock, a wait and a response from the other side.
12
@laurel. To guess; low level Incest taboo and young people's necessary denial of death's inevitably.
2
nothing new under the sun..
enjoy Autumn when it comes
8
This is actually one of my biggest fears, with children roughly the same age (a bit younger) than the author, as am I. But even though things happen regularly and are wonderful we wait until night with a locked door. Until, you know, people are in bed. You can't just have random sex in the middle of the day, amateurs.
6
The first thought that came to my mind is that the daughter is 13. She’s might be having her own sexual fantasies by now and could be talking about sex with her classmates. Thirteen is still young, but I think the mother underestimates how much her daughter has matured.
5
“That morning, my husband was feeling groovy.”
??
“I could explain what she’d seen. I just wished it could have been missionary; it would have been so much easier.”
?? !!
It's 2019.
Daughter is the mature, modern one in that household. Flat is, if she really reacted that way — and even agreed to having her parents’ escapades plastered across the pages of the New York Times.
Odd that she developed swollen tonsils the very next week...
4
Why be apologetic? I would have simply said, "Well, dear, if you ever wondered how you got here...."
7
She may not be scarred, but she will certainly remember it for the rest of her life! PB
10
I know stories with no twist at the end are the new thing, but they leave me cold.
3
Under the covers? Hmm, never thought of that and I'm over 50, but I also have no kids, so . . . .
I guess this sticks in my mind for the obvious reason, but when I was 3 or 4 I still had to sleep in a crib in my parents room and knew NOTHING of sex, but I remember calling to my mother and she said "wait a minute", ok, nothing unusual about that, but, the way she said it like she was mad or irritated or something, all moms get tired of being called sometimes, but for some reason I never forgot that, knowing nothing of midnight activities at that young age, I'm sure I've called out to her before at that age at night, but there has to be some reason why I remember that particular incident, could it be they were doing some marital exercises that I probably heard subconsciously in my mind before while sleeping that makes me remember that one night?
4
Yes, I've been a witness, too.
1
Yes, we sexuality educators can have all the same feelings of shame and embarrassment as the general population because we are, of course, human, too. But it might be nice if in our public writing we sexuality educators refrained from using euphemisms like "getting romantic" instead of "having sex" or "being sexual together".
5
Circa 1966, I walked in on my parents doing it - probably placing the order from my sister...
In 1989, my mother got even walking in on me doing it with my girlfriend.
No one needed therapy.
16
A closed door means "knock and wait for a response before entering". The 13-year-old daughter should have been repentant and not sulky and silent. Where are her manners?
7
@RHN
Seriously?
5
I think the daughter walking in is not the main story.
With both of you being middle aged, the normal pressures of work, raising a family plus the feminization and de valuing of men in today's society, it is a miracle you are still having sex.
That is the real story.
17
@Paul
Absolutely! :)
6
Yes, your daughter (and probably also your grandchildren, and great grandchildren will never, ever enter a room without knocking first. I'd venture a guess that your daughter's understanding or her parents as healthy, loving human beings has grown.
5
My father, maybe; my mother, never.
2
Walked in on my parents when I was three. Said, “WELL!” In my most outraged voice, turned, walked out the door closing it behind me. They collapsed in laughter. Didn’t hurt them. Didn’t hurt me. Happens all the time. Don’t worry about it.
72
Yup, lesson learned. A closed door requires a knock before entering. LOL, I’m sure she’ll never do that again.
7
Weirdly, in the US we use sex to sell everything from cars to liquor to clothing to medication but when discussing - or discovering - sexuality in all its rampant glory we become as puritanical as Mayflower passengers. The daughter in this piece has it exactly right: normal thing, Ho hum.
20
I think every parent has had a similar experience. Our eldest son happened on my husband and I in a darkened bedroom, opened and immediately shut the door. From then on my husband was adamant about locking the bedroom door. I think far more telling of my two oldest children’s attitudes about their Dad and I was my later 2 pregnancies. When they were 8 and 11, the prospect of a baby brother or sister was a thrill and they loved the idea. I had been quite young when I had them, so my husband and I were still relatively young when my third was born. However, 3 1/2 years later, my last was a surprise and when we told our two oldest again, now 12 and 15, the news was greeted with “gross” and “ughs”! My husbands reply was, “ I guess they watched enough HBO”!
4
@Mary Nagle When my parents announced that oops, mommy was pregnant, my 10-year old self skipped right over the ughs and eews to sheer disappointment. I distinctly recall responding: "Really? How do two people with advanced science and mathematics degrees get contraception wrong? How???" Yes, I was a well-informed, sassy little fifth-grader.
(In my defense, I was also pretty steamed. I'd been patiently waiting for all the fun family activities and trips my parents had promised just as soon as we were done with with my sibling's diapers and strollers. All I heard were literal years of setback. I eventually came to adore my younger brother, but at the time, I was. not. amused.)
14
i caught my parents a few months before my 9th birthday in 1959.
they were both 30 at the time.
it was on a very cold january day. they sent me to the corner store in mid morning to buy some ice cream.
i was suspicious.
i ran to the store which was probably about 1/2 mile away.
came back a lot earlier than they thought. quietly opened the back door, took my boots off, tiptoed up the steps and into the hall.
their door was open so i stood at the entrance--i still remember their position--and announced, 'here's your ice cream' in a very loud voice.
they scrambled.
my mother came out several minutes later and told me i'd been very quiet when i came home.
i told her i hadn't been, 'i opened and shut the door, ran up the steps and down the hall'.
don't know if she believed me or not.
34
Sounds like you have a great family, solid relationships all around. Keep having fun!
49
I didn't know that normal parents made love under the covers. we never preferred that. Never wanted the lights off either: we always wanted to engage all senses. By age thirteen a kid should know to knock.
47
@Thomas: an adult having sex in a household with kids should know to lock the bedroom door.
In fact, a "do not disturb" sign AND a locked door is even better.
9
On a Sunday afternoon when I was probably in 5th or 6th grade, I walked in on my parents. They were under the covers, but obviously trying to overcome the law of physics that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. That law prevailed, quite abruptly. I closed the door and went back to the living room.
Not a word was ever said.
18
One of our children appeared in our bed in the middle of things when she was 2. She actually did find it upsetting and I had to spend some time reassuring her. But I do not understand forgetting to lock the door when there are older children in the house. I'm in my 60's now and we always lock the door. Because the children have keys to the outside doors and might ( a remote possibility) show up without calling. And because we have a very happy relationship and often take advantage of afternoons. Our children were instructed not to bother us during Sunday afternoon naps " unless someone is bleeding or the house is on fire...just watch T V and we'll come downstairs in a bit ". To the people who wrote and said that monogamy is so dull after a time that there is just no possibility they'd ever reach for one another -I'm so sorry to learn this. Or were you joking ?
92
@Consuelo: it is basic common sense that if there is ANYONE over the age of a toddler in the house....YOU LOCK THE DOOR.
That goes for older kids, teens, young adults, YOUR PARENTS, house guests, etc.
Nobody wants to see you "doing the deed". Nobody.
Lock the door. In addition, a hangtag that says "do not disturb" (like in a hotel) is a great idea.
8
68 and it just keeps getting better
13
Considering the amount of pornography consumed in this society, it appears that many, many of us do indeed like to watch. Do not be so consumed with sex and lovemaking, your own or others, and you will be far less anxious.
Our college age daughter understood the healing grace of lovemaking, because when her Father and I were hurting she sent us to bed to heal each other.
She now has a healthy relationship with her own husband. Someday I must ask her if she remembers that day because her Father and I still do.
45
@Jane B: it is officially creepy for a teenage daughter to tell her parents to "go have sex" under any circumstances whatsoever.
21
@Jane B
A kind and loving woman you raised.
3
You have a pretty cool daughter! Wonderful story.
81
The year circa 1945 and the family story goes that I walked in on my parents when I was 6 years old while they were loving it up then came out of the room stating to my older brother and his playmates that I saw mom naked and she was wearing balloons on her chest.
146
The laugh came immediately. Happened to us in the 80’s. We still laugh at our own experience with our pre schooler walking in on us. Loved reading your comment brought back fond a fond memory.
10
Great story, only I take exception to the idea that "normal parents" would be under the covers. It may start under the covers, but it never finishes there...especially when it's summer in the Midwest.
59
Living in an old house, our young daughter's bedroom was directly across from ours. One amorous anniversary, my husband and I got carried away and became a bit too loud behind our closed door. Only about three year's later did our daughter tell us how completely grossed-out she was, and "scarred for life"( her words!)
29
I just don't understand how people trapped in long term monogamy can still want to have sex with each other. I guess other people are different from me.
56
@Nate Yes, I'm pretty sure people who would phrase a long-term relationship as being "trapped in long-term monogamy" would be miserable. The rest of us have a lot of fun, even when we have to keep it quiet during the kids' nap time. :)
392
@Nate, your comment made my day. I thought the same thing but never would have expressed it as well as you did, many thanks.
33
@Nate Yes, it may be time to come to that conclusion, that other people are different than you. It really simplifies one's understanding (and misunderstanding!) of the world.
199
These are the kinds of stories that need to be told! Thank you. People are so squeamish about this stuff now, but think back to the eighteenth century, the period in which the bedroom as a private space for private things, like sex, was invented. Before that time, it wasn't unheard for a wife to stick a child in the bed between herself and her husband--them's the days when the kid doubled as birth control.
http://www.thecriticalmom.blogspot.com
27
@Melpub
Think about our ancestors in one room log cabins. And they often had large families.
11
@JKile
And SOME shared living quarters with the farm animals: Not tonight, dear, the cow is watching.
6
Oversharing.
231
@George
No kidding. And yet one more in a long line of "my kids are smarter and better adjusted than I am" stories.
13
@George Maybe, but still funny.
5
@George
So George, why did you read ir?
21
Apologize for my typo. Doors, not odors!
10
@Linda Maryanov
No apologies necessary. It was the funniest thing I've read this morning.
4
Closed odors require a knock, and response for entry.
53
@Linda Maryanov You NAILED it! ;)
2
SO funny!! Robin Finn hurry up and write your memoir, I can't wait to read it!
To me the point of this piece is the great writing, great writing about a semi-universal experience. Loved it!
41
Yes we had similar escapades with our three boys (now grown, not scarred for life). Once when hubby and I were really having an active nap, son #2 knocked at the (locked) door and said “Mom are you all right?” Another time son #1 and #2 met in the hall outside our room, gave each other knowing looks at the antics they heard, rolled their eyes and went to their own rooms.
I think it is great to model for our kids what a healthy relationship looks like and that certainly should include a healthy active sex life. But also locks on the doors! And teaching them to knock.
119
@JAS Resistance: LOCKS ON DOORS -- just a thumb lock, nothing onerous -- would entirely eliminate this problem.
A plastic "do not disturb" hangtag would help too. But first, lock the door.
5
Children frequently think we have been fighting when they walk in on us doing the deed. Even teenagers. Older kids are usually just revolted that we seem to be enjoying our sex lives, like we are not supposed to!! With younger kids you need to talk about it so they do not feel that their parents are angry with one other. They can switch to Mom and Dad are going to get divorced as they were violently fighting! What am I to do? Have a uncomfortable talk with them. You can show them you really care about them and do not want them unhapoy or confused.
10
And the TMI award of the year goes to...
Seriously what on earth is the purpose of this extended Gee I Was So Embarrassed bit in Cosmo?
167
@Di
Must you be so squeamish?
When my daughter was three, my husband forgot to lock the door when he was taking a shower. She ran in and ran right out, announcing loudly to guests just arriving: "DADDY HAS A PEANUTS!"
http://www.thecriticalmom.blogspot.com
114
@Di I thought that the point was.....it was funny.
22
@Di Nobody forced you to read the piece or comment.
10
Ah, the learning about procreation by accident. There's plenty of basis for a conversation about sex if all participants are ready, willing and able. And heck, one can opine on whether the good 'ol fashion way is becoming a little more quaint as alternative means of conception proliferate.
3
Sounds like you have a loving, well-adjusted family. But, TBH, if my 13-year-old opened my bedroom door without knocking, I would be REALLY IRRITATED! Three? Sure (thus locks!) Thirteen? No. Unless the child was having a crisis.
117
@Golf Widow
Exactly.
That was my first thought: doesn't the daughter know to knock first and get an inviting reply before opening that door?
18
@Golf Widow
I think a kindly brought up child takes some things for granted and then learns not to. I remember assuming that I was always welcome in my parent's bedroom. I learned! Later I learned that my drinking age friends were not welcome to my parents liquor - I was actually shocked, my parents were always so hospitable and money was rarely mentioned.
17
@Golf Widow
As she was thirteen, my best guess is that the crisis the child was having was "curiosity" -- especially seeing that mom apparently isn't a low talker.
2
How about a lock for that door? Or is that too easy?
235
@MartiMart, at 13, the child was old enough that she should have known to knock on a closed bedroom door.
19
@Rebecca B
The author did not state that the door had been closed.
2
One simple rule covers a multitude of embarrassments: Knock First.
73
And now this article to make it even more uncomfortable for her!
54
@Merrill Did you read it? She said her daughter was clearly unbothered by the article.
86
@Merrill She helped with the editing, so I think she's dealing with it.
11
My parents would take “naps” Sunday afternoons. And we were taught to ALWAYS knock at their closed bedroom door, and wait till one of the other opened the door. No matter what. Even if we were sick.
It took me years to realize that they were taking “naps,” not naps. And it never grossed me out, or even bothered me. Why would it? They had 5 kids in less than 7 years; my mother told us early on that contraceptives sometimes failed. I knew the facts of life. I just wasn’t that interested in them when I was younger.
92
@Dr. J My parents did the nap thing, too. I remember telling my sister that it must be awful to be old and so tired all the time! Then I look back and realize my father was 17 and my mother 14 when I was born (and they were already married!), so they were about 27 and 24 when I was thinking they were ancient and needed naps.
316
@fireweed
HAHAHA!
5
@Dr. J LOL. my parents "worked on the bills." i think i was in my 20s when i realized what that meant.
14
Love this! Boomers seemingly had/have more active sex lives than their children - I always assumed it was because we scarred them for life as preschoolers because we would take advantage of a long video (“Neverending Story” was aptly named) and disappear upstairs for private moments - and were caught. Now they know not to drop in on grandma and grandpa because I’ve learned to text “old folks’ date night” beforehand.
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@Post motherhood: and because you could not figure out how to lock your bedroom door.
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Ms. Finn, please share this on social media and tag your daughter. That will help everyone feel better.
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As a sexuality educator and medical professional, I thought I would handle this situation very smoothly with my tween and teen, but I found myself experiencing many of the same emotions you did. I felt like a mother who had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar! I recall reading something that author Peggy Orenstein wrote about a conversation with her then seventy-something year old mother that alluded to her septuagenarian sex life as very satisfying. I hope we can at least subtly suggest to our children that sexual activity can be healthy and pleasurable in perimenopause and far beyond. Thank you for this fantastic piece of writing, and I think it's fabulous that your daughter served as an editor.
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@Heather - Sure, sex at 83 is better than none and is free from contraception worries; still, it can't compare with sex at 23
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@Sagredo - To each his/her own, but I think sex at 83 will be better than sex at 23 for me. Sex at 50 is exponentially better than sex in my 20s and seems to be getting better.
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@Golf Widow Better late-ish than never! Some of us take quite a while to learn things.
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