Advising to be a "Sportscaster" almost sounds like the parent is being entertained.
Allowing that in most cases, by the time serious thought is given to children fighting, the cows are out of the barn.
I grew up with 3 brothers and fought frequently. These fights permanently damaged our relationships. We were all (including my mother) competing for the love of my father that he was incapable of giving. (then he ran off with a twenty something girl)
My kids are in their 30ties. I cannot imagine them having a better interaction.
The rules were simple , but must be in place before conflict.
Anything bad about your brother or sister --Don't do it , don't say it, and don't even think it .
1
My mother encouraged my older brother to bully me - well, they did it together. Although he enjoyed it at the time, he ended up with alcoholism and a criminal record. This article doesn't mention this approach to parenting, but I believe playing favorites might be common (or at least not unusual).
I only have one child so I among not dealing with sibling interactions. Still, I have to really work at parenting a teenager. My parents set a bad example, so I try to constantly learn as much as I can. I remind myself - don't automatically go with quick thinking (mode A) - chances are that I'll duplicate my parents. So I try to slow down and reach for plan B - including ideas like the ones in this article. More work - and seems to work better. I appreciate the article.
4
I strongly disagree with the advice on sibling interactions. “Let them work it out themselves” sounds kind of Lord of the Flies and like a recipe for the older/stronger child to dominate the others. Setting boundaries, making things fair, and correcting behavior when it’s inappropriate isn’t overstepping...it’s parenting.
3
This is smart. Probably hard to implement in the heat of the moment but I agree that this approach is almost surely the right place to start. It reminds me of cognitive-behavioral therapy, except you're doing it out loud for them because they can't do it themselves. Kids move SO quickly from emotion to action that it's probably helpful to them to have someone break down for them what they're thinking.
4
My brother, a tear younger than I, was a sociopath. He never stopped trying to agitate me. Nudging, kicking under the table, & such.
My parents' response was always, "He's trying to get your goat."
But his behavior was invasive, & I had no way to stop it. Except by leaving home. And so I did.
7
@LEFisher I had the same situation. Once we were adults I tried to get along but at 35 his behavior hadn't changed. Haven't spoken to him or seen him in the 20 + years since despite family pressure. Would be very interested in seeing advice on how to handle one child who bullies the other. My parents never figured it out.
5
This article made me laugh harder than anything I've read in these pages in years. Thanks for the Park Slope comedy, NYT!
6
Haha! Very good. Well put sir.
Can we agree the child curled up in a fetal position, bloodied and weeping, could use a calm hug and a kind word from their MOTHER before launching into not blaming and justifying the bully? This strategy only seems humane with kids of the same age and physicality. If there is no wrong or right side to behavior, doesn't that just enforce the idea that all behavior is justifiable? In a way, it victimizes one of the children all over again. Aren't we where we are now because of a lack of consequences?
6
@C.D.M.
This part is easy to miss as it's right in the middle:
Know When to Intervene
If you feel as if your kids’ relationship is bordering on emotional or physical abuse, it’s important to intervene quickly and be ready to separate them if necessary.
I realize it's easier to project our feelings onto an article than to confront them ourselves--that's so much work! But it's important to know that our personal histories are not everyone else's. Also, father's can also offer comfort and love....
8
You are splitting hairs here. Either method is acceptable.
What is not acceptable are the extremes ie beating the kids or ignoring the situation all together and let it continue into mayhem.
5
Or you can say what my Russian great aunt would say
“I’ll give you something to complain/cry about “
That seemed to work ;-)
2
@Brad I know you're making a joke, but my Irish-American father used to say that a lot , and I remember thinking, when I was about nine, "He's not a very good father..."
He never had my respect.
15
I agree with many writers who commented here--intervening and talking things out is appropriate, not merely leaving the more dominant child to take charge. I'm also a teacher--just dealt with 28 9th graders taking a quiz--and believe me, you have to teach them how to do them pre-emptively if you want everyone to do well and be calm and respectful to everyone else. The adults in the room need to be adults and to model the equitable and kind behaviors we want to see in our children. My daughters have thanked me for intervening when they were children, and my students may thank me later. Being authoritative is not the same as authoritarian. Adults--be adults! Don't allow bullying or the dominant, loud, aggressive child or children in the classroom, to rule the day. Talk about setting kids up for failure all the way around...
17
In my practice I advised parents to do the following:
1. assess if there is danger (e.g., much bigger kid, much smaller kid; violence of some type, etc.). If there is, then intervene
2. if there is danger, work with the kid being picked on to teach him/her how to stand up for him/herself
3. ignore the rest
4. if they kids won't let you ignore the battle, give consequences to both of them. Nothing brings kids together as a team faster than a common enemy.
7
Many commenters here seem to be forgetting that the purpose of this approach is not just for the kids' benefits but for the parent to learn to empathize better with kids who are acting out. Narrating what you think is happening is better in the long run than acting out towards a child on unspoken assumptions that are made lightning fast in the heat of the moment. Impatience is not a virtue.
I can only wish that one or both of my parents had been able to do something like this for me and my siblings. Instead, they played an extremely damaging game of favorites. Disaster prevailed.
8
This approach assumes a neutral parent who loves both children and doesn’t get sadistic pleasure from scapegoating one of them or playing favorites.
When my brother and I were teenagers, we once had a rageful argument in the kitchen which resulted in my brother picking up a knife and throwing it at me as hard as he could, as he screamed that he wanted to kill me. Luckily he missed, and I yelled for help. My mother stormed into the room, screamed at both of us, and then after hearing what my brother had done, picked up two more knives and gave one to each us, goading us to fight it out. Seriously. The best part was my brother retelling this story decades later at my mother’s memorial service as an example of her brilliant parenting skills.
6
Better to have 1 kid or 2 with really large age difference. My friends who have 2 or more with small age difference are constantly battling the kids trying to “kill” each other. And the noise levels in these homes are so high, I cannot even phone with them. Horror!
3
@Piret You're assuming there's a choice?
@Piret
Imagine twins. The noise level in my house is deafening. No, they are not alike even though they are identical, very different from each other with one very aggressive.
1
I get how this works. The kids get so annoyed at the parent feeding the painfully obvious back to them they forget that they were mad at each other.
13
@Hotblack Desiato
Really, yes kids know when they are being patronized....
2
My friend's have encountered an issue being referee with the siblings.
They have three kids and the youngest is huge for his age, already as big as his brothers who are almost 4 years older.
From the time he started walking, he got aggressive with the siblings. His mom says he would just walk up to a brother, smack him upside the head, and take the sandwich out of his mouth and eat it himself.
When the parents try and discipline the youngster for bullying, his brothers (the victims) both chime in, "he's the baby, leave him alone!"
7
Often, in these situations. One needs to start with a time out. Sometimes in different room. This is to allow for the anger to attenuate enough to have a rational discussion. When a sib has the same issue with other peers , it highlights more complex coping problems that Ned to be dealt with perhaps professionally. Also need to be aware when a parent models the undesired behavior with physical and or verbal abuse
2
This reminds me of the parents trying to calmly reason with a toddler in the throes of a tantrum. It doesn't work. You are rewarding the negative behavior....
1
How does this work when one child is the favorite, and the other is constantly blamed for the squabble? No matter what the issue?
3
Does this work when they are in their mid-twenties?
14
@anders of the north or their 50's?
7
I tried a similar strategy with my 7-year old son who was constantly hitting his sister. It was a calm moment, and I sat beside him and said, “ I wonder how we could work it out so you don’t hit your sister.” He immediately responded, “ Well I am not going to tell YOU because I want to keep hitting her.”
39
@Mom
I give him points for honesty
8
Quite often, when siblings are squabbling,, it's because they're bored. Address the boredom and the squabbling goes away.
My son deeply resented the arrival of his sister when he was 27 months old. I protected her from him until one day when he took something from her in the playpen, she conked him with a toy. Okay - now she can protect herself! I think she was about 9 months old.
When my children would come to me with squabbles, I always reminded them that I was NOT Henry Kissinger and that they knew how to use their words to resolve their conflicts themselves. If they couldn't, they could each go to his room for 20 minutes. If a toy was being fought over, I removed the toy - toys are for joy, not fighting.
Hitting was not allowed but both were involved so both went to a timeout.
At ages 47 and 49, they're very close today, even though they live a long way from one another. Sometimes I provided them with a "common enemy" - still do that today sometimes. It works.
I don't disagree with active listening such as described in the article, but it rarely works in the heat of the moment. It's important that siblings learn how to handle conflict - they will not always be a "sportscaster" available in life. Learning how to use their words is invaluable.
19
Yeah, that’s going to work.
8
My missus hated the children arguing. She required/demanded/forced them to say to each other:
"you're very wonderfull"! The chidren absolutely loathed saying this and the arguments gradually faded away.
11
My only sibling was abusive and my parents' "neutral" stance enabled his abuse. Neutrality isn't always the right thing to do, and most parents don't understand the difference between rivalry and outright abuse.
When one kid is being repeatedly victimized by the other kid — and when the abusive kid enlists other cousins/friends/siblings to ALSO abuse their sibling — parental "neutrality" is literally endangering the welfare of a child.
56
I like what the British dad in the viral video recently did. His girls (maybe 4 and 7 yrs old) were scream-crying "I want mummy" repeatedly. He walked in their room and calmly called each of their names until they were both looking at him (still crying but not as loudly). Then he said something like "I see we are having a good cry... Let's take turns. it's my turn now." Then he started scream-crying, "I want mum." He stopped after a minute and said to the eldest daughter, okay now it's your turn... she shakes her head, then after a minute he said, okay now it's your sister's turn. Both girls starting shaking their heads no. He completely took the impetus out of their tantrums. Then he said (not condescendingly but gently and lightheartedly, "I guess we're all done now? That was some good crying."
15
Slamming a door on a sibling’s arm gets a consequence, not just a reminder of the family rule that “we don’t hurt other people.”
38
Yep. It’s not really a rule if there are no consequences for breaking it.
2
This sounds great in theory but it's hard to even get to the first step (Attuning) when both kids are screaming their grievances at the same time so that I cannot understand what they are saying. Then after asking them to stop screaming and they ignore me, I inevitably end up raising my own voice.
I know that this, too, shall pass, but it's hard sometimes.
13
I'm from a big family. There was a lot of aggressive teasing. I'm not sure where it went. We aren't that way at all as adults. I think we have a lot of respect for each other.
In my perspective (not sure what my siblings think), we had one parent (our mother) who did not try to tell us how to feel. Our father constantly tried to tell me I didn't feel a certain way (angry at a sibling for example, or even ridiculously he once told me I didn't feel pain when I was stung by a bee!). My mother who had been an only child did occasionally say she didn't *understand* why we felt angry at each other, but she didn't deny it existed. That gave me something to think about, the contrast. I hope I learned lessons from it! I try never to tell anyone they shouldn't feel the way they do.
14
Maybe this approach works for you. I believe that in sibling conflicts, there often isn't a right and wrong party. Both sides are aggrieved and need acknowledgment of their feelings and love. Being an impartial sportscaster doesn't help make them feel better.
This approach reminds me of the advice to let toddlers cry it out if they have to be alone in their room to go to bed. We did that for our oldest and it worked (the tantrums stopped after a few days) but the bloodcurdling screaming was hard to take and I'm not sure it was helpful. Loving and gentle reinforcement worked much better with our second child.
We have frequent sibling conflict and I only intervene if the arguments move into violence or bad language is used. The kids know that that is out of line.
6
@Alec
The younger of the two children is inherently less capable in such situations. That child needs the close ear of a caregiver to see if she or he cones to need protection. Not all violence is physical.
15
The article by Heather Turgeon, "For Sibling Battles, Be a Sportscaster, Not a Referee," caught my interest because my relationship with my sibling is a bit unusual; we view each other as best friends and rarely fight. I was curious about the outside influences that might have caused the interactions between my sibling and I to differ from other families. After reading this article, several things became clear. I realised that my parents take the stance that the article suggests, which is to observe. My parents normally let my brother and I figure out how to solve our disputes, and they only interfere to ask simple questions similar to the ones the article recommends parents ask such as,"Why are you so angry with your sibling?" Another parellel I drew from the article and my family was the suggestion to not punish a child by sending them to their room. Neither my brother or I have ever been punished in a similar manner, our parents always preferred we resolved our issues on our own instead of trying to seperate us in order to diffuse a situation. Having grown up with this style of parenting, I completely agree with the author's methods of solving sibling battles. It is important that each child feels loved and understood, and usually the situation is more complicated then it appears to be. I really enjoyed discovering more about how family dynamics are influenced, and being reminded that patience and listening is one of the best problem solvers.
29
I was interested in reading the article, "For Sibling Battles, Be a Sportscaster, Not a Referee", by Heather Turgeon because family dynamics are intriguing to me. I am the youngest of three with two older brothers whom I fought with occasionally as a young child. After reading this article, it is easier to make assumptions about why my brothers would pick on me from time to time. Being the only girl in the house and the youngest could make myself an easy target for my brothers to let off steam. I found it interesting the different ways the author believes will help parents solve conflicts. I agree with the idea to not react right away to your children before truly understanding what happened. Everyone has a different side to the story, so I think as a parent it is important to take the time to recognize how each child is feeling. The part of the article pertaining to the boy who slammed a door on his little sister was very interesting. It takes strength and patience for a mother to not immediately be angry with her son for doing something like that. I thought it was a beautiful moment when the mother realized what might have caused her son to act out in that way, and she was moved to tears. Families would be stronger and ultimately better if everyone was a little bit more compassionate, understanding, and patient. The same could be said about our country politically and our society as a whole. Listening to others can go a long way in making true change in the world.
15
@Ava Samenuk as a mother of three girls under five, when your 4 year old slams the gate to her one year old sister, you rightfully react. I get it, she is jealous of the attention the baby may get, but some behavior is unacceptable and sometimes older siblings test waters and know they are doing something wrong out of jealousy.
compassion is important in parenting but helping siblings understand patience and kindness has nothing to do with helping adults in national politics.
5
@Anne but I do agree that it is so important to teach compassion and understanding. Such a thin line when it comes to parenting and being fair and 'hearing' your children.
This article seemed interesting because I am the middle child of 3 and even though I am not a parent, I have many cousins, that are younger than me, so I believed that this article will give some help and advice. One thing that I enjoyed about this was the main part of this article is using calm communication, and I enjoy that, because in all homes where there happens to be conflict, we should make peace and not war. Like in most relationships, just talking and having communication, is the way to go. I enjoyed the article using the method of broadcasting the situation. That is very helpful for everyone, whether it’s a toddler or an adult, teen, or child. Letting the person come to realization of the situation can be very eye opening. I also find this article very interesting because these can be helpful for the higher age groups. For example teens can use then when babysitting, or nannies, any person who works with children. Like most articles, it’s the title that grabs your attention, and that’s why we begin to read. In my opinion kids should be bubbly and adorable just like kids should, but should have a strong mindset for problem solving and have the respect of someone in the military. In the military men and women are taught respect and are disciplined. They come with this mindset that the can solve anything,and become problem-solvers.
1
This was so helpful to read ... literally minutes after my kids finished fighting.
7
What interested you most in The Times this week and why?
-This week the article, "For Sibling Battles, Be a Sportscaster, Not a Referee", grabbed my attention. As being the middle child of three kids, I am constantly arguing with either my older brother or younger sister about every little thing. This article was interesting to read and think about how my parents react to the bickering in my house weekly. I was intrigued by the multiple way parents can stop their kids from fighting. I also liked reading the comments on this article and seeing if people agreed or disagreed with the concept.
1
What interested me the most in this article is that there are a couple of ways to stop siblings from arguing to much. Try and repeat back what your kids are trying to say to you and try and be neutral when talking to them. Be a sportscaster and try to let your kids know that you see and hear them. Let siblings be mad at each other first before you tell them to stop what they are doing and to try and listen to you. Know when to intervene before separating them. When voices start to rise and conflict is escalating, those are signs you may need to step in. Use the iceberg analogy when the kids words and behaviors are only the tip of the iceberg meaning when they are at the top of something trying to figure it out. Always set limits when something is not going your way. Attuning means you lead with understanding, limit setting states the rules and realities, and problem solving is for coming up with alternatives and solutions. Eventually, he started opening up more and telling her more about how he was feeling. When she reminded him of family rules, rather than sending him to his room, she asked him what he could do instead of provoking his sister, and he actually started coming up with his own ideas. As time went on, she still heard them fighting, but she also heard them working things out, chatting and laughing. The ratio of enjoyment to conflict was going up. Her empathy for her son was spreading through the family. They all tried to solve one big family problem in the end.
1
For the most part, this article was not agreeable. The ideas, while good in theory, are at points expecting a level of maturity from children that are not reliable. Although the author of this piece builds her credibility through her personal anecdote and mentioning her psychotherapy practice, she seems distant to the ideas and mentalities of children.
Although being a "sportscaster" may work in some situations, such as the ones she presents, there are countless circumstances in which intervention would be far more effective for the mental and physical health of a child.
Even though Turgeon mentions intervention in the short paragraph titled "Know When to Intervene," she expects both the bickering children and the supervising adult to understand. She suggests stating, "Do you guys need help figuring this out?" although many feuding children would prefer to continue arguing without the assistance of the parents.
Although the article would be perfect in an ideal world, where all problems could be worked out through conversations, children have not built the maturity to solve an issue with civil conversations. Overall, this article misses many issues and while good in theory, glances over issues that would make these strategies more detrimental than beneficial.
15
I disagree with your perception that kids don’t have the civil and mental faculties to figure it out.
While my kids of 5 and 7 do argue, fight and also play well together, they frequently also problem solve, have genuine empathy, scheme together to play tricks and collaborate on their own self devised projects independently.
I find the article compelling and the suggestions an interesting an alternative to constantly intervening with time outs, yelling, side-taking and threats of groundings.
I’m eager to try this to see if it reduces family stress levels.
5
@Prosser --I agree with you in that I regularly see kids age 14 and up who fist fight when frustrated with one another because no adult ever intervened to show them that this was not the appropriate way to work something out. And I have seen small children bite and pinch and pull hair. Or push over toddlers violently. Not all children merely bicker. The author seems to assume a level of "fighting" that seems somewhat quaint.
2
When they’re old enough to get exactly what the parent is doing: remove yourself. Say “we’re just not having a very good time this morning... so you know you need ‘alone time’ ... you need to go to your own rooms for a while.” And soon you’ll hear quiet talking as they “sneak” out of their rooms to play in the hallway.
They have to think it’s their own decision. They work it out.
Our three little boys are grown now, and the best of friends.
The books by Faber & Mazlish, I think I’ve spelled that correctly from memory, were crucial in my own learning as a mother and then for the next 28 years as a pre-K teacher. I lent copies to many families.
5
Reply, actually addendum, to Joy: One rainy week when my year-apart preschoolers couldn't bear being indoors together another minute, my mother gave me wonderful advice. Say"All three of us are going to play in our own rooms awhile, with our doors closed." Then do it, and you ( the mom) lie flat on your back on your bed with your arms crossed over your chest and say three times "This too shall pass." Give it half an hour and go back out. Worked like a charm! Also works well in marriage if practiced rarely.
7
Mostly, this article was agreeable or understandable, given that the technique that was provided, as shown through the presented examples, seemed possible. Furthermore, the alleged anecdote of the "problem child" allotted Heather Turgeon more credibility, when it came to her counsel and technique proposition.
Although, one flaw in her advice, in regards to her examples, was that she was putting too much expectation on the example's children (the subjects) since when Turgeon claimed, "Kids are capable problem solvers, even the youngest ones. Assume they have good ideas" she was mistaken, since, in order to deter failure, children must depend on the advice and critique of experienced adults, so giving them so much authority may lead to their expectable misstep because of the bad decision-making that all children have, especially when more experienced adults begin to monitor them less.
Moreover, there was a discrepancy in Turgeon's example-based guidance, provided that the examples suggested neutrality ("Narrate what’s happening... Try to be neutral."), which in the following example was broken;
"Example: I don’t want this new baby. I wish she were never born.
Instead of: Oh, you don’t mean that. You’re going to love her, you’ll see.
Say: I get it. Things feel so different now. It used to be just the three of us and it seems like everything changed. I feel it too sometimes!"
So, this decent idea will benefit from a rework, given that the exemplary models held discrepancy.
1
One breakthrough moment I had was when, in the middle of some drama, I sat my kids down and told them that I still love them even when they make me mad. That blew their minds (they were 3 and 5 years old). It's obvious to me that, as a mother, I always love my children, but kids don't know that unless we tell them. It was a huge relief to them to hear it. It gave them more empathy for me, in my moments of frustration, and reassurance that they are loved even at their worst. Reminding them of that always diffuses the situation and re-focuses them on the love side of things. And, my personal favorite - shortly after, when her little brother had made her angry to the point of tears, my daughter told me "I'm so mad, I don't want to play with him ever again!"... then she paused, and added "... but I still love him, because he's my brother." And vowed to never talk to him ever again for 5 minutes. Then they resumed playing as if nothing had happened.
Bringing their attention to the unconditional nature of family love really mellowed them out in times of conflict. It's also giving them a sense of security, to counter the tendency of kids to fall into the trap of "mommy loves me only when I'm good". Knowing that their sibling loves them in the same way helps them put fights in perspective, and view the conflict and negative feelings as temporary, layered on top of the bedrock of love. Like the author says - acknowledge the anger, but also show them that the love is still there.
22
I'm so thankful that I'm an only child and the parent of one.
7
@Mary Poppins You are so right! As someone who was very unlucky in the sibling lottery, I've long thought that being an only child would have been the best thing to ever happen to me.
8
Parents: no matter how old your children are, especially if they’re teens developing habits that may last a lifetime, do *not* pit them against one another. Those habits die hard, those impressions are everlasting, those behaviors inform the relationships your children will have as adults, and even how they argue bitterly over your elder care. I know from experience: my mother made sure there was “competition” between me and my sister regarding her affections. Later in our lives, my sister and I dredged up old arguments in debating how my mother’s elder care should be handled. My mother passed two years ago. My sister and I have not had any relationship for 10 years, and we stopped speaking at all last year. Do not do this to your children.
37
It’s very interesting to read but implementation of the same depends upon individual behaviour pattern of the parents and also upon the situation and mood of parents prevailing at that point of time.
There are things certain parents indulge without being told what to do instinctively at a given point of time since such characteristics are inbuilt and certainly not the cup of tea for certain other parents.
1
We've done this for years! When a squabble breaks out, I announce that the Court of Child Justice is in session. Chief Justice Dad presiding.
The angriest child is called to testify. Everything gets very campy in a hurry. Sometimes there is cross-examination and sometimes not. Often a Bible is found so that witnesses can swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth.
The court usually adjourns without a verdict within five minutes. They both get recognition and a chance to calm down. That's all that's needed.
89
For a zoological perspective, I recommend Doug Mock's "More than kin, less than kind" from Harvard Univ Press. His studies of the behavior of our non-human animal cousins reveal the many layers of tension and cooperation among sibs and parents.
He "offers a rare perspective on the family as testing ground for the evolutionary limits of selfishness". Ulp.
I took my job as a parent to be to help my kids develop tools to deal with difficult situations, but mostly to make them feel heard and loved unconditionally.
This advice seems to be mutually exclusive to almost everything I saw and used that worked.
I guess it’s always case by case.
4
Did the writer offer any extensive evidence of this method's effectiveness at teaching children how to resolve conflict? Maybe I missed it. There are 1000s of ways to raise kids and there is never a shortage of opinion. Based on my own kids who tend not to listen to us during their conflicts at all, I can assure you this would not work. it is dangerous for the Times to allow people to dispense advice like this about kids with nothing to support the claims. Being a therapist, as the writer is, means very little. My father was extremely succesful as a therapist and could write a book on what not to do, with evidence!
19
Luckily my three kids just shrieked and yelled at each other - but it was so awful and ridiculous I would tell all of them they had to shut up and work it out immediately. I could never have calmly dispensed perfect justice. They usually did manage to settle disputes by themselves and they are very close today as adults.
6
I have been thinking about this topic of sibling conflict and the role of parents a lot recently as I’ve been in therapy trying to reckon with my own childhood trauma that came from being physically abused on a regular basis by my sibling. The article does say that if it is abuse the parents should intervene and “separate them,” but it’s not as easy as it sounds for parents to even distinguish so-called healthy rivalry from abuse. Mine couldn’t, and parents have an incentive to play down such problems because it’s easier than figuring out how to stop abuse or even admit that it’s happening. And even if it is clear that it is abuse, how do parents stop one sibling from constantly hitting the other? Unless the separation is permanent, it will happen again. And again. My parents chose to be neutral, and did nothing to stop it other than the occasional temporary separation AFTER THE FACT, and so it went on and on. Then, as an adult, my sibling and my parents, though they did not dispute that the abuse took place, suggested that a) I brought it upon myself b) should get over it and c) it did not affect me at all later in life, which clearly it did. I feel that this issue is far more complex than the article acknowledges because, for some parents, denial is the easiest path. So who will protect the child if the parents don’t? No one.
112
@Daniel Krieger: I grew up in a situation similar to yours. I wish my parents had paid more attention so that they would have understood that my younger sister was bullying me. So I find the author's approach simplistic. In fact, parent neutrality can make things worse.
50
@Daniel Krieger AGREED! The author is blatantly ignoring one key fact - KIDS LIE. My abusive sibling lied over and over to my parents and they believed him every time because he was calm and I was screaming. Then when my parents left the room my sibling would tell me that I got in trouble and he didn't because they loved him and didn't love me. It's taken years for all of us to see how he had been manipulating them. Parental neutrality only works when the parents listen to ALL the kids - not just the favorite one.
16
For the most part, it's ok to let them fight it out. Keep an eye on things, and don't let anyone cause real physical harm, but kids generally want you to take a side (their side) and get involved. My sister and I fought ruthlessly as children, and now we get along pretty well. Kids are still learning how things work, they'll figure it out.
1
This is a great article! Sibling relationships have an enormous impact on your future relationships. Being taught to navigate your toughest conflict at an early age can only add to an individual’s future happiness.
Some of my siblings would usually ‘win’ in our conflicts and continued to ‘win’ in future conflicts; but over time, these ‘winning tactics’ isolated and alienated them.
Look at President Trump. Right now, he appears to be winning, but he will probably wind up like past Presidents Bush: isolated, frequently snubbed and reliant on the kindness of his past enemies.
7
Not sure if this works well according to modern psychology but my aunt used to take the two combatants gently by their arms and place them in two opposing chairs across the room from each other. Then it was a time out with quiet. My aunt turned her back to the chairs. After a few minutes of making silly faces at each other the combatants went to giggles. Sure it wouldn't work all the time but it did some of the time.
10
Cruel words from a sibling can hurt so much, and the younger sibling has no way to defend him/herself. And cruel words can be uttered (and usually are) when no parent is in earshot. How can kids be taught not to verbally abuse each other?
32
@Elizabeth: It's not always the younger sibling who is bullied. In my case, I'm the older sister, and my younger sister is the one who bullied me mercilessly.
21
@Elizabeth I agree! Much of my childhood relationship with my sister were her little snarks, asides, and under-the-breath comments, when parents were not around. You name it, it became open game for a comment. I've only realized, decades later, that it still affects my interactions with her.
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@Pam Shira Fleetman and @Binkie: I have this problem too. And it took me a lifetime, even many years after getting out into the world and many rounds of therapy, to realize that my youngest sibling's "default" behavior to me (and others) was nasty and not normal. Trying to explain this, forty years too late, to our surviving parent (who handled our last conflict exactly as described under "Instead of" at the beginning of the article) has been impossible.
Families get locked in early into negative and unhappy patterns, none of them alike according to Tolstoy... it would be nice if some parents followed the recommendations in this article but as others point out, in the heat of the moment, can they really?
I don't know what the solution is, except to find love and happiness with other people.
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After reading “For Sibling Battles, Be a Sportscaster, Not a Referee” by Heather Turgeon, I felt the need to interject, as many of the methods she suggests in the article would normally only work on younger kids, as the older kids are just going to be annoyed with how the parent is handling the situation. Based on my own experience and after speaking with my mother, I believe the best method to handling siblings fighting, is to separate the children and allow them to calm down, and then handle it like a court case; get both sides of the story and ask them, what they think their punishment should be. This method allows the children to develop responsibility for their actions, and get a better understanding of how to handle similar situations later in life.
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Coming from a family of 4 siblings (all of whom now hate each other and don't communicate with one-another), it was really important to me that my children learned to understand and appreciate one-another.
My son & daughter have extremely different personalities. The only thing they have in common is a love of chocolate. When they were young and a battle ensued over a toy or book or computer time, I never took sides because I knew that I would never know the true story. I told them: "Either you find a way to resolve this together or neither of you will play with that item for the next month."
It worked. Now they're in their mid-20s and are hiking together in the Sierras, just 2 months after joining one-another on a scuba trip.
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@Eddie I don't think you can take credit for that. Some siblings grow up to be friends, some don't. As a parent you can keep them from abusing each other but you can't control friendship.
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Great article. Try reading "Siblings without Rivalry" and "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk". Both by Faber and Mazlish. More details on the same theme. So helpful.
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Let me tell you how you can get siblings to be best friends. As parents you be the bullies. Then your children will form an allience against you. It worked very well in my family. We covered for each other, consoled each other and explicitly planned how we would approach the parents for permission to alter our routines. Fifty some years later we still have each other's backs.
No, I do not actually recommend this. It does have downsides.
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@carol goldstein Sigh, yes. I would never have asked for this ‘program’ but it certainly forged unusually strong bonds among the 4 of us, despite our very wide spread in ages, personalities, and life choice. I’m grateful for that, despite the rough context.
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As a middle school teacher I see these problems in my students who get in trouble a lot. They are quickly blamed for any conflict and respond defiantly. They feel unfairly picked on and assume teachers hate them. It is important to develop a new mindset to change how we respond as teachers and as parents. I found it more effective to have the mindset of "help my students make better decisions and have good people skills" and as a parent the mindset of "help them learn conflict management skills and learn from their mistakes". It allows us to respond differently to situations that our normal response is to yell.
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I am not going to stand by neutrally and watch kids bully each other or slam doors on their arms.
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The article agrees with you - this is to resolve mild to moderate verbal conflict. I've seen kids get violent with each other (like the arm/door slamming) and there is something else going on - I would seek professional help for that child, of possible.
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The author of the article isn’t asking you to do that. She’s asking you to intervene, set limits, and, by talking about the conflict, try to figure out ways of preventing it in the future.
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@a reader
No, she is very understanding, does not punish or express outrage when the older kid harms the younger one, she does not even ask for apology. The older one may feel justified and repeat his actions with dire consequences.
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Above all, know that if the age difference between siblings is more than a few years you’ll need to pay attention to the exchanges and interactions between them. Don’t count on the older sibling to be fair or kind. I lived with a sister who was 12 years older than me, and she was physically and emotionally abusive. It wasn’t until my parents returned from dinner out and found me, at age 4, bound and gagged in the dark in the living room that they realized my sister couldn’t be trusted with me or my younger brother. But it’s difficult to believe they didn’t see the signs of her extreme anger and they just chalked it up to sibling stuff.
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@Mary Ellen, I am so sorry you lived through that. Many parents can be wilfully blind about what's right under their nose in these situations because it is too horrifying to accept they raised a child capable of such cruelty. At some level they'd rather let the sibling take the hit than own the bad reflection of themselves as parents. And the terrorist-type sibling can also be an ingenious manipulator because they have an agenda to mask. I am not saying any of this applies to your parents but I do thank God they caught this before anything worse happened.
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@CLN. I liked for the sympathy. But I unliked for the assumption that the parents raised the abusive sibling to behave this way. What children say and do is not always a direct reflection of their parents. They really do have their own personalities and sometimes their own problems and mental health issues.
Parents do exacerbate those problems and produce them but our society and many commentators automatically assume that parents are always the cause of every child/persons action and words. (Parents of highly successful children similarly assume that they produced that success when, in many cases, parental neglect and abuse is what drove child out of the house and to success.)
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@Mary Ellen I know several people who have similar stories of sibling abuse.
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I need to try and memorize the A-L-P steps. Such a good method, my children (Irish twins, just turning 4 and 5) go from best friends to absolute enemies in what feels like seconds. Their fighting is driving me crazy, I have to do a better job of keeping calm
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When I was pregnant with my first child - nearly 22 years ago - I read a little article in Parents (or Parenting?) Magazine while waiting for my prenatal checkup. The article advised that children *want* mom to take sides and ratchet up the conflict and the noise to get attention. The article advised that, keeping an ear and an eye on the situation, but otherwise remaining unfazed, would usually deescalate most whining/crabby battles. Intervene if there's risk of danger, but otherwise let them figure it out. I filed that away in my brain, not knowing how many children I would ultimately have. Turns out I used that technique hundreds of times during my children's toddler through elementary school years, which I think(?) has benefited them in their teen and young adult years.
In general (not just parenting kids), I have known most of my life that you get a lot more mileage (calmer, cooler, grateful behavior) out of validating rather than dismissing. Perhaps because I was an only child who did a lot of watching and observing, I could see how terrible and complicated things became when the grieved party was told, "OH, You'll love him!" or, "Don't be silly! She didn't mean anything!" It is so simple to say kindly, "Huh, I can see you're feeling kind of sad/stressed about someone new coming into the house/classroom/community." or, "Oh wow - I can tell that really hurt your feelings! Tell me what's got you down..." and LISTEN - openly, without judging.
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Looks nice on paper, but in my experience it’s rarely a good idea to encourage children to articulate their grievances mid-conflict — that just offers them an opportunity to get in a few more good insults, which inflames the situation. I prefer to separate them immediately and talk to them individually. The punishment is not being allowed to play together. It drives them crazy. They still bicker, but much more quietly when they know I’m listening.
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This is a very nice "how to" article which might serve to encourage some parents to read more on the topic.But for a parent to actually develop the skill to communicate in this manner would require hours of training which most people don't have, unless they themselves are already in therapy. While the approach almost seems simple, parents are usually responding the way their parents responded to them as children...which in many instances may be antithetical to conflict resolution. Reading the book might be a good start for parents seeking advice, but parenting as described will take many hours of practice ( and perhaps therapeutic guidance).
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@KB I really appreciate the point that it is difficult to respond in a measured fashion rather than make a knee-jerk/habitual reaction when tempers have flared and everything seems to be happening around me at top speed. However, awareness is a wonderful thing, and forewarned is forearmed. I agree with you about many hours of practice. Maintaining awareness about which choices are open to me, I believe I will learn to respond a little better each time until new patterns become established. And yes, there will be the odd (OK, frequent) occasion(s) where I completely lose it but at least I will be aware I need to do things differently next time and I'm no longer enslaved to my pre-programmed reactions. Warring siblings may unwittingly pull with the new process because being validated feels not only empowering but unbelievably good. Which therapist could offer me as many opportunities to practice this new way of being as my kids will do (and free of charge, no less)?
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And don’t forget the times your kids are doing dangerous things, to each other, THAT YOU JUST TOLD THEM NOT TO. #threeyearoldtwins
Sometimes the best thing you can do is remove yourself from the equation, because each child is acting out for your attention, and although you would very much like to respond with the measured therapy approach, you are seeing red and about to scream. The best offense sometimes is defense - when your kids see you aren’t going to get involved, they sometimes recant. And if they don’t, you can still get a mini breather to return to adult sanity after which there are cuddles and/or outside trip to expend that energy. Proud of it? Not particularly. Better than screaming? Absolutely!
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