Mom, Can You Please Cover Up?

I usually agree with Philip, but not his response to Brian. His mother is wrong and Brian is well within his rights as a child to ask his mother not to embarrass him in front of his friends. Teenagers (of any sex) can be cruel for a host of reasons. There is no excuse for a parent to insist her child continue to be a victim of that cruelty especially when he asked her to help him prevent it. Not a good parent.

A good parent uses this as an opportunity for a discussion. Her response, and even just her choices about body art, don't seem to fit the "great person and a terrific mother" description. Does that sound judgmental? I've seen too many examples of what bad parenting does to kids. I don't mean the huge life-altering kind - just lousy parenting. You live in a community, you're a parent. You can actually be an individual and not have that I-don't-care-what-anyone-else-thinks attitude.

While your advice to the first letter writer is not necessarily bad when it comes to defending his mom, any adult who does not recognize the sensitivity of a teenager when it comes to such matters is at least in this instance being a poor parent. And you are asking a child to act as an adult, and enabling an adult to act like a petulant child.

RE: LW 1-if the sleeve contains racist,sexist,ageist slurs, belittles other people,or indicates the mom has prejudicial views, then her covering up is the least she can do. Also, are any of them gang logos, or teardrops,etc.?

I’m curious how many people commenting on the mom with tattoos have tattoos themselves. I have an “R rated” topless pinup on my arm. If my kid asked me to cover it I wouldn’t oblige either. You’re offended? Give me a break. The exception here would be nazi symbolism. Other than that, who cares.

If the mother refuses to cover up when her son’s friends are over then she isn’t a good person and she isn’t a terrific mom. Frankly, she sounds selfish and insensitive.

Tattoos are ridiculous, disgusting, and ugly and do nothing to improve one’s aesthetics. Yes, I know that’s judgmental. I wouldn’t blame the son for being embarrassed. If the tattoos are very visible then something tells me she’s not wearing enough to begin with. The mother should show respect for him and definitely cover up.

Hey, who can say they went through adolescence without being embarrassed by their parents?

During the good old feudal days of China before Mao Zedong's revolution only criminals and prostitutes have tattoos on their bodies. Now many young ladies have tattoos all over their bodies. Why? They wanted to catch attentions from Chinese communist leaders and rich men in China? I don't blame the young boy in America is embarrassed by the tattoos on his mother arms. Why people wanted to have tattoos on their beautiful bodies?

Why does Judy feel that she's made a commitment to attend her friend's performance? She only asked for a point of information, namely "when [the] next performance would be." I do agree with Eileen from Ithaca, though: Judy must not lie to her friend.

I liked and agreed with your answer to Brian. I think it’s important to explore and discover all you can about life, regardless of how it’s judged by the fashion of the day. I believe in kindness and do-unto-others, but neither of those traits are negated by having R-rated tattoos visibly displayed. There’s nothing wrong with Brian stepping up and saying something like...yeah, they weird me out, too. Then move on. I hope someday Brian can be proud of his Mom.

Re the young woman and her "cheap" friend: While the friend should have first asked the writer if she wanted wine before making a purchase for which the friend expected reimbursement, the writer herself sounds quite rude and ungracious to me. In addition to the excellent points made in the Answer, one might consider whether the friend might have significant expenses or debts of which the writer was unaware. Perhaps she has a heavier student loan burden, lives somewhere with much higher cost of housing and other essentials, has high health/mental health care or legal expenses, is saving up for graduate or professional school, or perhaps is helping out parents, siblings, or others manage financially during a crises. Or any number of other legitimate, even heroic, reasons the friend may feel or actually be on a very tight budget despite making a sizable salary. It's also possible that what the writer considers a salary that allows for "small luxuries" is different from what her friend does. There are people who can't afford to rent even a studio on their own but think nothing of pay $100-$150/mo on tv subscriptions or mani-pedis, after all.

Regarding the query from Brian, I wonder why the response doesn’t acknowledge that most of us present ourselves differently in different situations. Presumably, if the mom’s job requires her to cover up her body art, she does so in order to remain gainfully employed. If she were going to a parent teacher conference or the like, she might also cover up because, like it or not, people do judge on appearance and R rated tattoos detract from credibility. What’s the problem with accommodating her child so he doesn’t feel like an outcast at a time when the judgment of peers is crucial? Finally, Brian should only be expected to say his mom is a great person and a terrific mother if it’s true. We have no intel on that and shouldn’t pressure him for superlatives that may not be apt.

Tattoo mom should remember that she is the mother, not the child. If her son asks her to cover up around her friends, she should swallow her ego, cover them up, and let them be seen at a time and place when it will not cause her son any agita. It is not for him to accommodate himself to her. And yes, my parents did ask me to dress differently when around their adult friends than I did when I was with my peers - nothing wrong with that. Advice to Brian is way off base IMHO.

Wrong answer, Philip. (And what if she really isn’t that great of a mother..?) The mother would be within her rights to ask the son to cover his R-rated tattoos when her friends are around or if they were going out together. The son has that privilege too. Whether they listen is up to them, but there is nothing wrong with the kind asking.

No, no, no - do not lie to your friend about having a previous engagement in order to avoid attending her (embarrassing) stand-up comic show. Either tell her that stand-up comedy shows are not something you enjoy, or go for a short time and say you want to support her but cannot stay beyond 20 minutes (or some other time). But don't lie. How embarrassing if you are caught in the lie!

I think you are way off base regarding your advice to the boy whose mother has covered her arms in R-rated tattoos. Body art is one thing; suggestive symbols on a parent is a completely different one. Teenagers have enough to worry about at that stage of life. They certainly don't need to be shamed because they have parents who act or dress inappropriately - and by that I mean promoting provocative behavior, drug use, etc. I'm not calling for some puritanical code, but get real. Parents do have a responsibility not only to be considerate of their children's feelings on such matters, but to safeguard their development in a practical way from undue stress.

It's possible your teenage friends think your mom is kinda cool even if she's 'weird.' They might just not admit it. I say this as someone who does not have tattoos but a parent who is a bit different than the 'normals' are often admired even if with a bit of cognitive dissonance. And you and your mom could always move to Portland where NOT having tattoos makes one weird.

I may be reading into things as this is such a short letter but it sounds like Brian is the adult in therelationship with mom. I think Mr. Galanes missed the mark on this one with the, "she's a full-fledged person not just a mom" idea. I think Brian is asking for some decorum and respect. There is a time and place for R-rated things and it is usually understood that that time and place isn't around minors.

I’ve always said that to be trendy is to date yourself later on. Good taste is always in style. Fashion comes and goes, tattoos are darn near forever. I’m surprised that they are as popular as they are, all that artistically fine work turns to mush in time.

Referring to the Money Talks segment: it may not be that the friend is cheap, she may have financial obligations the writer is unaware of that make entertaining and travel a strain. Rather than make assumptions, the writer might want to gently ask her friend if money is tight, and suggest free or cheap ways to enjoy each other's company. Having a good job does not necessarily mean having a full wallet.

Sad mom should get to the heart of the problem her son has with his sister. She may remind him that not attending his sister's wedding will be a lasting blot on the sibling relationship and something he will have to live with forever. It's also a gathering of the entire family and friends; he needs to consider how his absence will be judged by all.

I’m sorry to sound like an old fart but a mom displaying R rated tattoos would be an embarrassment to most kids. A multitude of tattoos is one thing but R rated is another. The mom should respect her son’s feelings, not vice versa.

A parent’s role is to guide their child and part of that has to do with dress and presentation. If a mom tattoos herself up like a circus member and doesn’t work in the circus, why is it wrong for a child to ask her to cover up when around his friends? He’s not asking her to stay out of sight. After all, I’m sure the child has been told numerous times by his mother to change his appearance for varying social settings - put on a different shirt, change his pants, grab a tie, wipe his face and comb his hair, etc. It has nothing to do with comparing him to the neighbor boy.

Good points for Brian. Except it's presumptuous to suggest that he'll be a terrific son if he says his mother is a good person and a terrific mother. She may or may not be a good person or a terrific mother.