Becoming Parents to Ourselves

The author needs to expand his philosophical thought experiments. What if she grows up to be a racist? Will he support her to be the most authentic racist she can be? Nature and Nurture have tens of thousands of years on him - maybe adopt the tried and true - some basic Virtue Ethics; a few Deontological insights and a Utilitarian bent. And maybe read a bit more Nietzsche who posits that we are essential who we are early in life - the rest of life should be spent becoming the best version of that identity we can muster: "What does your conscience say? You should become who you are." (GS Aph 270) Or maybe he can maintain the illusion of an infinitely malleable 'other' that is his child until she turns 2 or so - just like every other parent in the history of the world eranestly thought

"I was born in Bosnia and Herzegovina into a secular Muslim family" A secular Muslim??

All our children's mother and I ever hoped for our children was to get a good education, follow their own drummer and be happy. We feel that they have been successful in all three hopes.

I liked this essay more than I thought I would at first. We should respect the newness of each being, and give them the space to become something new to the world. But I think parents need to have expectations, too. We should expect our kids to do their best, for example. We should teach them that not doing your best is shameful. We just have to be vigilant about recognizing when our expectations are destroying the newness of the person. We have to be aware when our own agenda is conflicting with the newness that each being brings to reality. Their newness is valuable.

"The void is a portal to our self. It is ours to fill with whatever we want — dreams, fears, ambitions. It is our only chance to become what we really are: parents to ourselves." A bit over the top, maybe a bit selfish, but I'll definitely accept the idea that personal identity is basically an "argument." But, as a professional philosopher (CUNY!) and a dad (22 yr. old son (CUNY student!)), all I can say is to enjoy every single day with your daughter. They grow up fast, and they seem to turn into exactly what you didn't expect them to be, but given the right sort of "space," they turn into exactly what you hoped they would become.

Your child will be whoever she is to be. Your jobs are to nurture her to become the very best of her authentic self, and to demonstrate to her - by the respect, time, and attention you give her - what she should demand from others...and from herself.

Your daughter has inspired a beautiful trajectory of thought. I hope that along with your awareness of the working edge of culture, your questions about its core include some that ensure your daughter is not held captive by either Bosnian or American patriarchy. She must be entirely free, as free as you, to be her authentic self.

I loved this article and also the (mostly) thoughtful comments. As a 46 year old mother with a 3.5 year old son and a 9 month old daughter, I have much to ponder. Having children has been the most humbling, back-breaking, and wonderful experience of my life yet I also worry about missteps and fear something may happen to my lovelies. It’s hard and I want to do it right.

I think most parents eventually conclude that children raise themselves by manipulating the adults around, including parents. A lot like cats. I also think the self is a superposition of selves from both the mother and father. It is all dependent, nothing isolated and independent. call it karma if you like. I have also read about transplant recipients developing new preferences in music or food and later find that the donor had such preferences, so some sort of memory is retained in the cells. So where is the authentic self? A good question for the philosopher dad to ponder.

The old expression "As parents, our job is to give our children wings; but we cannot determine how and where they will fly." comes back to me as I read this. As a parent, I occasionally forget that I thought my parents as clueless as I imagine my kids think I am, although of course we love each other. I've always thought that when a child is born, what they are is a highly evolved primate, with the potential to become fully human. I guess "who they are" is included in that. We may all start out unique, but we are also products of our journey through life.

As a parent and an amateur but devoted philosopher, I appreciate this article, and the good faith that went into writing it. Howevrer, I disagree that who we are is merely a product of our reason and circumstance (crudely put). I think it is possible to have a fundamental identity that is both prior and more all-encompassing than either of those things. Call it the Self with a capital "S."

Consider your child in two very different, parallel life paths. One has you and your family living in an Amish community in central Ohio. Then when your daughter becomes a teen, you move to Portland, Oregon. The other path has you living in the Bronx and then moving to Los Angeles. Your child marinates in you and the community and becomes one of two vastly different people. This is the kind of input to your daughter that sculpts her into becoming the life force the universe needs.

Mr. Sarajilic, you might want to take a look at Khalil Gibran’s thoughts on children in “The Prophet,” they’re in line with yours but more sweeping. I’ll quote just the opening lines: “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you....” Also, I’m personally not thrilled with the current enthrallment with having an “identity” and “identifying.” Identifying sounds to me a lot like an attachment which the Buddhists teach is a major source of suffering. Just saying. I have no final answers.

Your child will grow up watching every unconscious move you make and every word you say...will be influenced by teachers and kids on the playground...will face environmental and societal changes we can't yet imagine...and taking everything into account, along with the natural personality she was programmed with, will make her own choices. Parents are guides to their children, teachers of their own values. What the children do with it all is eventually up to them. I have 3 children (2 adults and a teen) and each one is very different despite having the same parents, same rules, same values, same schools.

I respect you greatly, as I do anyone who studies philosophy deeply. To call yourself a philosopher simply because you have a PhD in philosophy is a mistake, however, and so too is presuming that a rational seeming norm ought to be respected, for that alone. We have an evolutionary history; that history affirms homosexuality; it does not affirm gender zero identities, though I can respect someone who finds that timely in its meaning. I too have a PhD. I too care for philosophy. I too am going to have a child in six months. Unlike you, however, I reject lending unskeptical acceptance to current gender norms when empirical evidence overwhelmingly supports male and female typologies. So to me, you're catering to the status quo (and that's said as a progressive, secular humanist).

We are all born into a particular circumstance, that circumstance comes with a set of preconceived notions, what I call your "Cultural Download." "You are this, and therefore believe that." Most of us accept our Cultural Download without question and proceed to try to live a life to fulfill what is expected of us. The greatest gift a parent can give to their child is the ability to question those assumptions. To, at the appropriate time in their life, examine the basic assumptions of their culture and to decide for themselves what fits for them and what does not. This can make for an uncomfortable period in your life as you begin to think for your self and reject past cherished beliefs, but it is also a rewarding time and the basis for a fully considered life. A life where, unlike the majority, you are choosing how you live. It is also, in my opinion, the hope for our species.

Keep them as far away from social media and mainstream media as possible.

How? Remember, your daughter will raise you granddaughter or son. What kind of person do you want for that task? Raise her to be all she can be - including that. It is her daughter or son who will be your philosopher's stone, transforming her into mother and you into a man who then knows the answer you now seek. Congratulations, Eldar. You'll learn a lot from your daughter and for the rest of your life.

Your essay triggered these 2 thoughts: 1. Humility is a prerequisite for the kind of parent you wish to be. You don't grow the child; the child grows, and all you can do is provide a nurturing environment for him/her. 2. Your best guide as a parent is in understanding that the child's dignity is always as important as yours. And for exactly the same reasons. When combined, these things mandate that your essential task is to become an astute observer of your child's continuing development. As Eda LeShan put it long ago, the child rightfully asserts, "Let me be how I grow."

Very insightful, thank you. As to your question of how do we best enable our children to be their authentic selves, I think you have the right idea in mind. Ask the question, " what is my role as a parent and is my role to create another version of myself, wife, partner, etc." My wife and I are the parents of a transgender boy. It would be so easy to question his reasoning and desires, but to what end? If his happiness is predicated on a strong desire to align to a different path, then our only job is to be the wind in his sails. As noted, there are too many lost opportunities where we as parents allow our opinions of our children's decision appear reflective of us. Unfortunately it takes many years to see the destructive results of this tendency.

Having a child is a gift. You open the package, see what's inside and then help the child to thrive according to how she/he emerges. Plant seeds when you can, never dislike your child when you see what you dislike in yourself and most of all, remember that when your child is at his worst is when she needs you the most.

A few years back I wrote a narrative history of my family beginning with my and my husband's parents right through to our now adult daughters. (Alas, no grandchildren!) I dedicated the book to our grown children. It read: "To Michelle and Lisa Who Showed Us the Way." Mr. Sarajlic, you are already ahead in this journey of parenthood. Your poignant essay of real love teaches new parents something that I myself did not realize at first. In fact it took me a number of years to understand that children are gifts whom we are given the awesome task of nurturing and guiding to true individuality and personhood. They are neither clones of us nor are they a means of reliving our own lives. They are unique and must be respected as such. The road ahead will be rocky at times. A mother's and father's instinct is to protect them from the challenges which they will inevitably face. Yet we do them a disservice when we over-protect and hover. They too must learn the hard way about the curve balls which life tosses each and every one of us. But our love is their safety net. It is there to support, to comfort, and to share the load. And, you know, it works.

In childhood, the child strives for the approval of the parent. In old age, the parent strives for the approval of the adult child. That is because the parent still feels the same tender, heart-piercing love for the adult child as he or she did for the infant. The grown adult child, on the other hand, has a busy, crowded, independent life, exactly what the parent worked toward. The only thread that keeps the old parent and an adult child connected is the residual love of the grown child for the parent, because an adult child no longer needs an aging parent for survival (or anything else). In fact, at the end, the shoe may be on the other foot. In old age, all your chickens come home to roost, every one.

As the saying goes, the son gives birth to the man. We should say the daughter gives birth to the man in this case. The distinction is subtle but relevant. In the same way Sarajlic senses a duality in his own identity, biological difference has already made him different than his child. There's no parroting his own experience as fathers with sons or mothers with daughters. For better or worse, he is the other. As much as we like to pretend gender is fluid, you're going to learn quite a lot about your ascribed identity through gender before you even have an identity. You basically need to learn and then unlearn your gender in order for a gender neutral society to exist. This relationship is more or less what Sarajlic is describing when he says he "became" Muslim. Identity as resistance is known as oppositional identity. I can only be me if I'm not you and vice versa. We seek out ways to distinguish ourselves. Gender is a biological "other." Most are arbitrary. Your religion is happenstance. You do have to "become" Muslim in a way you don't have to become "male." That's great if you're happy with what being "male" means. If not, you will have to "become" female and vice versa. For most people, the effort is not worth the trouble. Your ascribed gender identity is so intuitive that you don't even think to challenge. I am male; male is me. Parents don't really need to teach this lesson. They just need to avoid being judgmental about the outcome.

Nice essay, but here’s an authentic idea. How about we all stop having children and instead nurture those already born to care about their fellow humans, nonhuman animals and Mother Earth?

Mother of four adult daughters here, who I believe are kind, intelligent strong women. - Thoughtful and consistent discipline. Honesty is number one policy. Mom and Dad set parameters, not the children. You own your mistakes. If you give your word, you honor it. No quitters. Do onto others as you would have them do unto you. Yes karma is real. Mom and Dad’s decisions can trump yours on occasions. And at the end of the day, don’t over think it, and it is OK to say “Because I said so, “ every once and awhile.

With a two year old of my own and a much smaller knowledge of philosophy, I have to put this in terms that my tired brain can relate to.... It is like in Coco via Miguelito when he claims through tears, "Family is about supporting one another, even when we are different people." (haha, baby brain and too many goldfish for breakfast.) A message which resonates with me. To be a good dad I'll support all my son's interest, and do my best to open his eyes to all points of view. I enjoyed this article thoroughly. One reason is because I also had to revisit so many preconceptions about what I believed upon the arrival of my little guy, and then alter/change my view. A second reason is because it didn't mention the POTUS.

There is a scientific adage - part humorous, part admiring - that applies to this debate: "under the most rigorously controlled laboratory conditions, the organism will do as it damn well pleases!" As a father and grandfather, I find that this fully applies to children. No matter how we try to manage the environment, children grow within it in their own way, along their own path.

How to raise an authentic child? Be sure to check the label, and for goodness sake don't plant it too deep.

lovely, well done.

What is it about philosophers that makes it virtually impossible for them to tear their gaze away from their own navels? Happy to be a world unto himself, the author mentions his wife only in passing as the thing that gave him a excuse to think about himself some more. His thoughts on parenthood come across as the musings of a narcissist who is unaware that others have had children and thought, and even written, about their experience.

Just so you've heard this, Eldar (because it sounds like you — *might* — REALLY need to hear it): Don't turn your kid into an experiment. Don't turn your kid into a stage for watching your own theories play out. Don't turn your kid into a book; don't turn your kid's psychology into something to be observed from a critical distance and carefully protected from your own biases and interference. Don't be a parenting scientist, okay? Be a parent. The role-boundary habits you're familiar with (from years in the philosophy department) are not the kind of boundaries that a developing child needs. For a professor, the instinct is to let the arguments of their underlings compete — relatively democratically — with their own (within a wide berth of reason); but for a parent of children, the instinct should be the opposite: simply set the boundaries [reasonably, of course], and be consistent. Frankly, you should just *not be a philosopher* — period — as far as your kid is concerned. You can become a philosopher for them later, once they turn 14 or 15, and emerge from a stage of development where what they *need* is *boundaries* — and *par-ent-fig-ures* — to imbue their mental existence with structure. Once their minds can support their weight, loosen up and do what feels right; until then, be very careful to provide your kid with a different version of yourself than you provide your students with. Like I said: Just on the off-chance you needed to hear it.

A person can't be authentic unless reasonable? Self-alienation is the product of an unreasonable mind? Identity is a product of consciousness and reason? The use and promotion of reason helps us to be truly ourselves? Historically the process of reasoning appears to me little more than the average of humanity, the base, gradually building up a foundation of knowledge and not a little slyly crediting itself for inventions and discoveries which more often than not originally erupted quite irrationally in individuals not to mention societies, to point that we can have a quite reasonable professor today pointing out all the reason in rockets developed in Nazi Germany or how intelligently and sensibly Van Gogh went about the construction of a painting, and to this professor it will not occur, indeed could never be allowed, that future acts of genius will probably erupt in the less stable, less reasonable societies and individuals than the stable and reasonable ones, unless of course future human society can somehow harness all its irrational, creative impulses, and not remain at the silly dichotomy of reason vs. unreason in human affairs. Reasonable people are typically a bunch of squares who go so far as to claim credit for also being able to be circles, but they usually clumsily square all the circles of society who give birth to all the straight lines and other mathematics which make square living possible, so the goal is to square circles, not crush them to earth.

Congratulations on your new born, However , as a Ph.D in Philosophy allow me- out of all due respect ,to clarify a statement at the beginning of your article: You are not yet a Philosopher! You teach Philosophy! Plato is a Philosopher, Aristotle ,while learning under Plato was not a "Philosopher" until , he walked on his own years after graduating the Lyceum! It takes something special to be a genuine "Philosopher." In the meantime one can think and teach philosophically hoping to reach philosophical insights.

Who can read Eldar prose and still feel he or she owns his or her children?

To become a parent is to become a watcher, listener and servant to the needs and development of one's child. With this attitude, a parent will be attuned to the child's revelation of who he or she is. It can also be curiously revealing to parents about themselves.

What a delicious stream to follow first thing this morning. The day seems sweeter, brighter, more pulsing with possibilities as you invite me/us into your inner and outer journey and gently yet insistently encourage us to question and explore and more proactively engage with our own. Everything may or may not be as 'it" is supposed to be; but since we are not "its", perhaps our most wondrous -- and, oy, daunting -- challenge is to think and feel our way to becoming as authentically our selves as possible. And to welcome and nurture each other on the journey. Thank you, and onward to Spinoza.

My philosophy about raising children: Teach them kindness by being kind to them.

Once human life expectancy was 30-40. Economic independence was a competent hunter/gather, sperm/ova donor--skills acquired as young teenagers. As civilization progresses so do the demands of education and maturity. So do the standards of good parenting. Unconditional love is folly. Let 'em grow like weeds, results in weeds. Of course, they learn best from their own mistakes, and their immune systems need antibodies. But they can't make enough mistakes to be well educated; they need vaccinations. Thus helicopters/snowplows --aka life planners. Leave room for "lateral growth"--hobbies might grow into careers. Financial planning is not enough. The strategy is pyramidal--a broad base of skills learned young--when learning is easiest--accent and bad habit free--pure potential. Specialization increases gradually. The broad base allows for cross fertilization and hybrid vigor. Thus the earlier schooling starts the better--in home or school--but usually better in school by professional educators. Parents--helicopter or snowplow--are teaching assistants. education brokers and to some extent curriculum managers. The planning doesn't end with career and a family. "Count no one happy while they live"--some unhappy ending might lurk around the corner--addiction, depression, dementia, back stabbing infidelity--on and on. Leave room for the transition from parent to friend. Friends helicopter and snowplow too. It's called "cooperation". PS: It's not about you.

It was a little tough for me to grasp the author's argument because he doesn't explain how it works in practice. While the author clearly doesn't believe parents should simple tell their children how to live, I don't think he's saying that they should just respect or approve of any decision they make without examination. Rather, I think he's suggesting that the parent and child should have a relationship where they reason with each other. The parent's role is less about telling their child what's right than how to decide for themselves and to bring up ideas and history that they might not be aware of. If that's what he's saying, than I wholeheartedly agree.

A thoughtful, intelligent piece of writing. My children are now 27 and 29 -flourishing in the wider world. I am sometimes asked what I did to help that process along. My answer: get out of their way! Set them free on their unique path, carrying only their own baggage, not anyone else's.

Excellent article touching on many important points of interest. Your "we're born as originals, but die as copies" is true in my case: I went around the world only to end up in the very place of my departure. Argh! Maybe the waste of energy was, though, a valuable exercise in learning who I'm not: a combination of Jesus, Socrates, and Buddha, but more a combo of Bernie Sanders, William F. Buckley, Jr., and Osho, changing personalities often for unconscious reasons. Much as I've read Rousseau, I didn't know that he "believed that the progress of the Enlightenment erodes the uniqueness of individuals." I thought he was part and parcel of the Enlightenment revolution. (Thanks for sharing that.) Now for a brief sales pitch: Check out Spinoza. I know you've speed-read his works, or some of them; but if you'll slow down to a snail's pace, and stick with his "Ethics," you'll be impressed, maybe converted, as I was. I rejected his philosophy at first, but had a come-to-Benedict moment with him. The guy figured life out: who we are; what to do; what's what; and why. He's the greatest overlooked philosophical treasure we possess. (You helped me, so I thought I'd share my discovery.) Good luck in America with your young family! It's a difficult place for all of us, but, as Spinoza teaches, everything is as it should be, not as we might like it, but once we see the universal mechanics behind it all, we can live peacefully, even blissfully, in it. He did. I'm working on it.