I was in my late teens & early 20's when this came out. I found it beyond ridiculous, all this lying and treating men like they are idiots that need to be manipulated.
I was and still am the anti rules girl. Never had an issue getting a boyfriend & keeping him, despite my strong opinions, successful career (I make more money than most men) and the fact that I like sex. I've always been in good shape bc I work at it for my own benefit, not someone else's.
People who have to resort to smoke & mirrors (like the rules) to find a partner do it bc they are uninteresting - uninteresting people are not attractive to anyone. Read/be healthy/travel, be interested in different things & you will always be attractive to someone.
I happily live with my boyfriend - both of us were married before, we don't want to do it again. We are both strong people who have been through a lot together, including cancer, death of parents, job changes. Like the author, he has seen me at my worse and at my best. Trust me there are no written rules on how you look at 3AM taking care of him at Sloan Kettering.
I feel strongly that you can only cement your relationship bc its based on reality, even if it's not pretty sometimes. Simple theory - be truthful to yourself, if you like someone- tell them. If you both want to sleep together -do it. Learn to listen, more importantly learn to listen to yourself & walk away from complicated situations - life is short. Always be polite and kind, it begets the same.
70
Worst thing about The Rules?
They work.
38
You are a wonderful writer! I laughed out loud during my lunch break reading this, which is a gift. Thank you!
I hate this stupid book series. When I'd been with my boyfriend for 8 years, his aunt secretly gave "Not Your Mother's Rues" to me. She wanted to help me hurry things up! I was mortified-- I felt pity and embarrassment implicitly knowing this about her marriage, and I felt like I could never unsee and unthink the ideas.
Even though I stayed true to my philosophy about love, which like yours definitely includes eye contact, sincerity, and howling with sorrow up front, I honestly hadn't known about these stinky rules before, and now I do. Even if I reject a new idea, it can still get under my skin and maybe change some of my actions. I would forget these rules altogether I could, but since I can't, I sure enjoyed this essay.
19
Oh did I love the Rules and still follow many of them today! My girlfriend and I have been dreamily recalling our Rules consultation sessions in a conference room during lunch breaks. I always knew the point of the book wasn't to attract a man, it was to make myself more attractive not worrying about whether a loser man would approve of me! Be light and breezy and busy and don't accept bad treatment from anybody who doesn't treat you like the beautiful creature you are! Don't chase any man who won't put quality effort into chasing you! And you know what? I"m getting married in August to a guy and even though we've lived together for ages, he still calls me first every single day. Our relationship didn't start with me mowing him down demanding he fill the void in my soul or soothe my every emotion. He was attracted to me because I had (and still have) my own life filled with my own interests and it made him want to know more. Don't settle - not ever!
28
I like the idea of women being frank and honest about who they are and what they want.
In hindsight, one of the best interactions I had with a woman lasted about 5 minutes.
I met her at a coffee shop, flirted a little, and she let me know that she was asexual. After that we were friends for a month or so and drifted apart. The end. No time wasted and nobody really hurt.
8
What is the point of this? Writing a new set of rules? Getting even with your horrible mom? "One person always loves the other more. It’s never equal." That is only true, if you are in the market for eggplants and dabble with mixed emotions. If both go "all in", it is perfectly equal. If someone is holding back that is easy to spot. It may be harder for some to let go.
There is nothing wrong with making a step towards someone you feel attracted to. The mistake is letting your neediness cloud your perception. You want to be seen, so look at the human being in front of you: responding by making a step towards you or not? If not, respect that instead of pushing.
Love is not complicated. It is exhausting (yes, that kind of exhausting hopefully as well). Concerning dating apps: If you are literate, choose a site where people write about themselves and exchange texts. Writing is much more revealing than a nude selfie. Worked for me, by the way.
9
At my age, I am blissfully past all this. Whether this gives me any right to comment on the past or the present, I don't know. For what it's worth, I think this article leaves out two important things: men have changed and the legal rules have changed. The idea of keeping men baffled about your intentions and able to find out your real intentions only by performing an experiment is no longer viable. It is not consistent with the permanence of computer data and the much more protective laws against any kind of sexual coercion. Personally, I think the new laws are a big improvement, but I don't see why women should be surprised by men who want to know explicitly what you really think about every part of a relationship.
I have also found over a long and interesting life that we all spend much of our lives in micro-cultures, often unaware that others lived in quite different ones. For example, I never realized that lots of people spent their spare time building trebuchets and air cannons to chuck pumpkins as far as possible. I have never knowingly met a cos-player although I know they are all around. Books like "the Rules" are in a sense ways to make certain you never mistakenly interact with anyone beyond your current micro-culture or, even worse, a micro-culture to which you do not belong but think you should belong.
10
Taffy, this is great. There are guys out there too..in their 50’s and divorced.. who also have been given “rules”, but have a hard time following them. After doing almost everything to kill attraction, as women want that totally confident , yet sensitive (but not TOO sensitive ) man who acts as he couldn’t care less (not to mention 5’10 and a head of hair at age 50 something)... and I couldn’t measure up being “myself”.
So yes I am making some behavioral changes going forward, but will be thinking of your article and wondering why I would want to spend the rest of my life with someone who didn’t love me for, well, me. If you ever want a window on dating after 10 years of divorce and raising kids on your own, just get in touch with me!
19
It's a shame that the The Rules encouraged playing games and hiding one's true self, because I think it was rooted in the on-point idea that women should be confident in their self-worth and expect to be treated appropriately.
Sometimes I worry that many women expect so little from men and relationships. Their men get the benefits of dating/relationships without being required to give much in return. It leads to both unhappy dating experiences and unhappy marriages.
It seems that feminism and sexual freedom have, ironically, caused women to devalue themselves in relationships. Since women are equals, they can pay for everything too. Since they are sexually free, they can (i.e. should) have casual sex even though it really might not be the best thing for them emotionally. Since they are empowered, they can do all the legwork in contacting and pursuing partners.
The result: some men are just along for the ride, and why not? With little effort and expense, they have a woman to sleep with, who will take care of them if they have the flu, do their laundry. It doesn't change with marriage and kids. I don't know how many working mothers complain about how their husbands come home from work and play video games all day, while the women come home from work to housework and childcare.
Women, start demanding more from men! There may be fewer dates, but the relationships will be more satisfying in the end.
35
I am divorced and hang out with a group of other divorced women all in our 40s-50s. You should hear some of their versions of The Rules — “don’t go on coffee dates, only dinner!”; “never contact a guy online first!”; “get professional hair, makeup and photographer for online profile!”; “you won’t meet a guy at the workout place - only online!” I guess they need to write an updated manual.
4
Steve Harvey’s advice is similar. He also puts everything on women and let’s men off the hook. The message is a “good “ woman can snag a man who will treat her right. If he’s not acting right, it’s your fault ladies. If you’re alone The Rules say it’s your fault. Ditto Steve Harvey. Both the Rules ladies and Mr Harvey have made fortunes on putting the onus on women to find and keep a good rely.
19
I stopped reading Steve Harvey’s book when I got to the part where he says a woman should wax according to her man’s preference...
21
I thought this book was stupid when it came out, and I think the idea that men will inevitable chase women is seriously flawed. There are plenty of men who are perfectly content to deal with disinterested female partners who place no demands on them, and these men happily go from one to the next, never bothering to have to chase anyone.
13
Women have to know their place as do men. We are not interchangeable. Traditional roles allow men and women to not bicker and argue about every little thing.
It’s a free country. Do what you want. Most of the feminist I know are lonely and unhappy and single older while most of the traditionalist women are married and happier while younger. Just the truth. See for yourselves.
5
Very amusing essay! By the end I felt the need to share my, albeit dated, memories of What A Guy Wants to help women find, not The Rules, but The Path.
Guys are simple creatures. All we want is a woman who cooks like a master chef, can tell the difference between the NY Giants and Jets, loves to discuss ideas, familiar with history, can crack a joke and change a tire, and out performs a thousand-dollar-an-hour hooker in bed. Is that so much to ask?
In return a guy should be willing to listen to complaints about about other women beginning with her mom, complement her for her many accomplishments from cooking to bedroom excellence, actively help raise the kids, be openly worshipful toward her in public, and shave before performing ... well, you know.
Mostly learn to appreciate.
3
As far as women have come though, I still see many instances of (hetero) women continuing to fall for the same garbage....putting more focus on 'being married'....on 'having children'...rather than making sure that marriage is actually a right choice for them...that children is a right choice for them...that the particular man they've decided to marry is indeed the right choice (and not just so they can check-off the 'married' box), etc.
Women still want the big diamond....the big wedding with tens of thousands down the drain.... the dress that 'no one else is supposed to see until the big moment', etc. It's all quite perverted.
25
Great essay. I was in my early 20s when that book came out, yet I was blissfully unaware of its contents — I heard a little vague cultural rumbling about it, but my “dating” life was fortunately rule-less and open and naked. No parent attempted to advise me, few friends felt the need to shame me. I had some great relationships from which I learned a lot, which is all any of us can hope for. Reading this now, I can only say that you get the relationship you build. If your relationship is based on lies and omissions and repressions and misrepresentations, that’s the kind of fruit it will bear.
101
I loved The Rules and found the book when I needed it most. Its primary message is to play hard to get and to maintain an air of mystery and inaccessibility. I still think this is great advice because how many times have I leapt at seeing a man; (accepting a date immediately or being too readily available) only to have him never contact me again. The Rules taught me not to be a pushover, to value myself and to expect a man who likes me to pursue me. It may sound old-fashioned but it works. Self-respect is always attractive.
21
When this book can out I was given a copy by my sister who thought I would have a laugh about it. I don’t remember the whole thing but as with any other self help book I found a few things that were helpful and a few things I dismissed. It might seem quaint in this day and age but I do feel that the overall message advised women to have respect for themselves when dating.
18
I despise The Rules, but sometimes I wonder if they grew out of a nugget of truth. I don't support playing games, but I think there is truth in that men like to pursue. A better book of that era to reference is He's Just Not That Into You--the gist of which is, if a guy genuinely likes you, he will make it clear. If he's not being clear that he likes you, you probably doesn't--but would probably still be willing to sleep with you if you make it clear you're willing.
My best dating & relationship experiences were the ones where the guy gave clear signals he was into me. The worst ones were when I pursued guys who seemed ambivalent toward me at the start.
54
My incredibly happy twenty plus marriage began with me using some of the tactics from the Rules. I know, I know…..
I don't remember much about the book—but I do remember that the fundamental idea was that women should act and feel as though they had worth and demand to be treated that way. The things I remember being told were things that, in retrospect, were just advanced social skills. At least the things I used. For example, early on I would try and end the phone calls with my now husband before he could. I held my worth and he has cherished and respected me ever since.
Maybe the Rules were a "thing" during an era when women were not much valued. Not only did many of my friends not hold themselves in high regards, but society, at that time, treated them like chattel at work and in the dating pool.
Will my daughter be a Rules girl?
Nah. Or rather she already is……as is my son. They hopefully understand that they have worth and that they have agency in how others treat them. The details may be outdated, but the big message probably still resonates.
18
@Gwe
Just re-read what I wrote (AN EDIT BUTTON PLEASE). The ending the phone call thing was just a tactic to subtly communicate your time was valuable too. Didn't do it in an unfriendly way, but just created an awareness to get out when the conversation was waning…..
At no time, did I disrespect my now spouse. Or trick him. Like I said, I culled what made sense to me.
But right after I read it, I met my husband and yeah, sadly, but truthfully, both he and I would tell you that it probably helped.
Although I told him within 6 months about the Rules, and he has for years had a good laugh about that, there is a fundamental respect that he has for me that I held my worth—and that I don't suffer fools.
10
Relationships require immense self-sacrifice. There is no magic bullet or fast pass. There is no HR department to complain to. There is no golden algorithm to bypass confrontation. Are you willing to compromise in unimaginable ways? That is the question every lover must grapple with. For many, this concession of self may not be acceptable as a matter of pride, however, I think the data suggests that for most people, the investment pays massive dividends.
9
This is the most amazing essay ever.
9
I didn't read The Rules, but I lived them anyway, without knowing. I guess because of my mother's rules, which were similar. I dated a lot as a teen, met a nice boy my second year of college and we were just 21 when we married. I had done a lot of The Rules to get him, then just stopped doing those things once I was married. He never could train me to be a good wife. I chafed at all of it. Why did he get to make the decisions? Why did I have to cook and clean? Why did he get to undress and leave his clothes on the floor for me to pick up? Why did I spend Saturday doing laundry while he watched football with his friends? Why did I have to have sex when he wanted to, but I didn't? I hated all of it, but stuck it out a number of years. I moved across the country (his decision), but when he wanted to move again, I finally had had enough. And, don't get me wrong. He was a great guy. Not mean. Not violent. No bad habits. Just a normal guy. But, entitled, as they are. Assumed he was always right, as they do. I've been divorced a number of years, and I am so happy. All the decisions are mine. I don't have to ever consider an opinion other than my own. Everything I buy, everywhere I go, wherever I live, what I eat, it's all my own choice, and I'm living by my own rules, not The Rules.
118
There are two ways to read The Rules: you value yourself as someone worthy of love so make some boundaries or admit you're not worthy of love and trick a man into marrying you. Your life is full, you have a career and friends but maybe now is the time to start to look for a mate. The guy has to ask you out by Wednesday because you need to know as you have other options. Don't go too fast because you need to get to know each other. The Rules work very well for the early part of a courtship. Things can, and do, get messy later.
14
Hilarious and on-point! Thank you, Taffy, you made my day. Now I want to read everything you write!
9
Cute column but the assumption that every woman cared about that book. Put the "we" aside. Most of the women I know paid no mind to the nonsense paraded in "The Rules" if they even knew the book existed. They weren't desperate enough or dumb enough to look for the kind of man that book described. They wanted a partner, not a man who fell for women who followed that kind of rot.
25
Please keep publishing Taffy Brodesser-Akner's work! I immediately read when I see she's published something.
19
"The Rules" seems to have been copied from gay male practices in the 1970s--before the epidemic.
I have two rules which have worked since 1979. If you can't hafe a mutually pleasant (and entertaining) conversation, don't go any further. If you can, and they can't--or won't--kiss or learn how, don't go further. It's spared me a lot of grief and STDs. However, I had three great relationships--the first at 18 which left a pleasant memory for both of us, a year when I was 25, and for the past 31 years, resulting in marriage in 2008.
The art of conversation, which made this all possible, requires a modicum of education, a willingness to admit one doesn't know everything, a willingness to learn, and putting down our screens!
23
Once you nab a husband you need to immediately begin changing him into the person you really wanted.
12
the rules is absolutely garbage. i did not follow any of them despite coming from a super conservative family. i am always the first to text and i respond in seconds. my goal? to date as much as possible to find the right person. hundred of dates later with different men, i found my husband. it's unpleasant. tiring. makes me feel disgusted by the system but this is the system and sometimes the goals between two people don't match. keyword being goals. you could try to follow the rules but if the other person just want something lesser than a relationship, there's nothing you can really do. in the end, it's about finding someone who share the same goal as you on the site and eventually in life.
8
Wow. This was a long article. And exhausting. I’m thinking that it’s just best to be single and if anything happens to change that, then fine.
26
Holy cow. I had no idea, but this sounds good awful (and yeah, as a man, it's terrible advice).
Thank goodness my future wife had decided not to do any of this when I met her (though she'd considered changing who she is.). Frankly, most of these rules sound annoying and would have been a good way to have me move on. My wife was clear she didn't want to kiss on our first day, and equally clear she did some days later. She's been who she is, which I adore, and we've been comfortable since.
I'd say that these rules have a bunch of howlingly wrong stereotypes about men here too. Mostly, men and women are the same: we want to be loved for who we are, and when someone appears who naturally does that, seemingly without half trying, it's magic.
Mostly, dating is about odds. Odds of bumping into a good partner are low, so it just takes time.
40
So happy and satified I'm a confirmed bachelor. Lots of married people want me to feel bad about it but I think underneath it all they are jealous of my freedom to do what I want when I want. Never wanted kids either. Never. Have a nice day!
28
I will likely spend a fair amount of time trying to decide which part I liked best, either this:
….."women sitting in circles, smoking our Virginia Slims and drinking our Zimas, hard-knuckling our desire to call a man back on the actual telephone — there was no texting then and it was terrible and great"....
Or this:
....."Was that house in Great Neck going to buy itself?".......
Taffy, you are fabulous with words!!!
26
“I wanted to be loved, but not so much that I was willing to pretend I was someone else. What good is love if the person you are loved for isn’t really you? What is better than to be known and to be loved because you are known?”
This is it, right here. There is no love without being known. It’s impossible.
20
I was dating for the first time in decades. My first husband had announced (after the divorce and he got alimony) he was gay. I had been so lonely in my marriage and unable to convey the feeling of emptiness it created. It was important that any man I was a relationship with was truly in love with me. So I didn't pursue any men. They knew how to call or email. I saw other women throwing themselves into the fire and getting burned in the dating world. I had lived one long slow burn. If I had waited this long why not wait a little longer? And he showed up. We were guests at a large sit down dinner party. He knew everyone there and I knew one person. He made sure he sat next to me. He made such an effort, was so smart and self deprecating. He got up from the table and the woman to my left said, "I've known him for 25 years and I have never seen him speak to a woman like he's speaking with you. Just so you know he's an incredible man. Just beloved." We lived in different cities and he was returning at dawn to his. We said good night. He courted me with letters with postage stamps, emails, phone calls and face time. Many women he had dated were upset when they found out he was serious with a woman because they had chased him hard. He was genuinely convinced he could never fall in love and he had told them that. They still kept trying. He enjoyed the companionship. Our dynamic allowed him to pursue me and to open up to me. We are now happily married.
190
@TR Love this!
14
What a wonderful piece! So beautifully written. But is it always true that one person loves the other more? That sounds like such a sad state (for the one doing the loving) - how could one be married like that?
1
Love, desire, need — all can flow back and forth across a relationship’s lifespan. The beloved morphs into the lover. And then back again.
Feelings fluctuate over time and are rarely stable.
14
I was never impressed by The Rules. Not just because I got married in 1991 at age 21 (had just finished college, headed to grad school). It required women to be fake. To aspire toward a goal (marriage) without building a foundation that would not only develop a woman into someone with integrity and character, but also prepare her for whatever came after, whether it was marriage or a full single life. That each is ok.
In that respect, The Rules seemed like a gimmick that no sensible woman would follow, but apparently that many women did, maybe because their divorced or sexually liberated parents were giving them such bad advice, and our society has long ago pretty much lost its way in teaching young people (and older adults) how to develop healthy, long-term successful relationships.
Yet--while the author here points out the continuing degradation of both men and women (yes, the men are degraded through their poor treatment of women, too)--there still is hope. For me. personally, I found hope in Christianity, which early on helped provide me with needed wisdom and a framework for all areas of my life, which was invaluable and gave me and my husband the tools to teach and model respect, integrity, compassion, love and commitment to our own children, even when we fail. While learning how to choose a good partner is an important part, I'm hopeful that the skills that helped them do this will also help them throughout the rest of their lives.
5
I was 34 when this book came out, living in Boston, surrounded by friends the same age with the same panic about being single forever. I'm amazed to read in the comments that some had never heard of it; I think anyone of prime dating age and living in a big city couldn't avoid hearing about it.
I loved this article and couldn't agree more that the women who "need" the Rules are probably the most incapable of following them. That would be me.
6
I remember buying and reading The Rules when I was in my early 30s and eager to marry, my clock ticking. And I vividly remember, soon after, driving down a busy expressway in the metropolis where I lived and ceremoniously and joyfully tossing that book out the window of my moving car, not because I had memorized its rules or because it had brought me success. I threw it away because, at long last, I had matured enough, had become self-confident enough to attract and fall in love with an equally mature and self confident man who accepted and loved me, warts and all. And, I loved him right back, despite his own imperfections. In January, we’ll celebrate 25 years marriage, still in love, still grateful to have each found in this world someone to accept and love our true selves.
23
Never thought of the rules applied to an actual marriage, but there is a subtext to the rules that applies to all human interaction: try not to annoy others. Compatibility is some sort of algorithm of being yourself, and reigning that in when it's making someone crazy. Applies to a first date, and, say, a 12-hour car trip driving to your child's college graduation after 25 years of matrimony.
17
"We are still playing by men’s rules...."
The idea that men are the author of the rules comes as a surprise at this point in the article. And "trying to accommodate what men want" is not the same thing as conforming to rules that they have formulated or imposed.
6
Most learn from life experience that all relationships are a leap of faith. And what you see in others frequently is also something that resides on some level in yourself.
And of course there are no guarantees whether you follow "the rules" or some other plan, process or set of so called cultural norms.
It's good to think for yourself. And as the author says, don't deform yourself to nab someone.
It takes some time together to learn some of these things, but if you have soul chemistry with another (not just physical chemistry), share similar values and priorities, can make fair and reasonable adult compromises at times, and you truly care about one another....go for it. Make the leap.
I think at bottom all significant relationships and friendships ideally serve a higher purpose. When truly compatible, each can help the other evolve. Of course, both have to, on some level, share that view and work on themselves when truly required.
But relationships are one of the best ways two people can enjoy life, experience the inevitable joys and sorrows, yet grow together into something more than they were.
But discernment in choosing your partner is clearly crucial. Good luck to all on the journey.
7
I'd never heard of "The Rules" before reading this article, and I find it very discouraging that such a retrograde book was popular in the 1990s. Good heavens, people, didn't you ever read Betty Friedan's book "The Feminine Mystique," or anything by Gloria Steinem? Didn't we as a society learn anything from the women's movement of the 1960s? It sounds like all the oppressive strictures those liberated women fought so hard against in the Sixties got resurrected by "The Rules" in the 1990s. Ugh. The fight goes on.
18
@Margare As a young woman in the ‘90’s who read this book (along with most of my single friends), trust me, its promotion of a 1950’s America stirred considerable controversy and pushback. In fact, I remember my best friend, myself, and a guy friend thought it so ridiculous that we met a few times to outline our own book in response called “The Anti-Rules!” It was a project we never completed. LOL. I guess we were too busy with our careers, friendships, dating, and eventual pairing off with our married partners. This article is a hoot and brought back memories. I can’t wait to share it with the women who are still my good friends 20+ years later!
6
I think it is about being too needy and scaring people off...I have known many people who after one date are imagining the lifetime relationship and that is way too much pressure too soon.
I think folks grow out of that as they get older (hopefully).
22
@Marti Mart
Years after our wedding, my husband admitted that he "knew" after our first date that I was "the one" and started imagining us together for life after the first date. His sister confirmed it because he apparently called her to gush at the time. My reaction was, "That is demented." At least he had the good sense to not let on or talk about it too soon. In my experience men are more likely to fall in love at first sight, or to believe they did, or to confuse lust at first sight with love (and i say this as an average-looking woman). As to how that turns out, it's a crapshoot. I'd have run if I knew he was off the deep end so quickly, but here we are together for more than a decade.
9
I was 24 years old, in my prime dating years, when I bought The Rules. My roomie and I read it out loud together and cackled. Did we take it to heart? Yes and no. We didn’t strictly practice the rules in our dating lives (my favorite being “Don’t accept a date for Saturday after Wednesday”) but it did give us some framework for thinking about how to navigate the insecurity, awkwardness, excitement and rejection of dating. Basically, it was a recipe for not wasting your time with guys who wouldn’t appreciate you. We didn’t have Tinder and Bumble and all the dating apps then folks! Meeting a mate required face-to-face with lots of strangers and you had no prior sense of them to build a connection upon or get glancing sense of their character.
As a happily married mom, I look back fondly on The Rules and that time in my life as terrifying as it was!
20
Whoa, flashback! I am only 35, so the "Rules" phenomenon was before my dating time, but I very distinctly remember watching that episode of Oprah with my dad. Now I want to go back and watch it again.
2
Disagree almost completely. After reading The Rules, I became way more confident and happy, and found my soul mate - we are both super sensitive types. Men haven’t really changed. The Rules are right, and it’s one if the best decisions of my life to read it. Essentially, it inspires women to be their most confident self. What’s wrong with that? Men should be doing 80 percent of the work — it makes everyone happy. When it comes to LGBT relationships, the rules may change, but at the end of the day, The rule simply tap center into what is human – we want something more when we can’t have it.
16
I wanted to add that the author acknowledges that women have reached a low point in our role sexually because men are watching so much porn and we are often acquiescing to what they seem to want. I would argue the Rules are needed more than ever. I’m 43 just like you, and I have sent the rules to all of my teenage nieces, and they’re appreciating it! I’ve had this debate many times over the years, and it sounds good to make things equal etc., but at the end of the day, men still have an upper hand and applying some version of the rules helps women get some of the power.
6
@Karen Jacobson-Sive I guess those of us who think we're equal think everyone should be doing 50% of the work. It didn't scare my now-husband away when I wanted to pay for half of things, and I wouldn't want a man who was bothered by me being equal.
17
I was dating from 15 until 32. Never read The Rules. Married 25 yrs, 2 teens, dog and hamster, house in burbs. My parents let all 5 daughters know it was "if you get married, not when". This fostered education, independence, and a strong sense of self. Marriage is a choice, not destiny. An older sister in WA met her husband when he responded to her personal ad in alternative paper. She encouraged me to do the same. "Take control, she told me. "You do the picking!". I received 50 letters to my ad. Thoroughly enjoyed reading the huge variety of responses. That's what led me to marriage; the written word, a not rushed first meeting based on physical appearance, and the mindset that I was driving the train. I feel very fortunate, yet realize luck and timing played major roles.
18
Some people can be their entirely truthful selves, warts and all--needy, argumentative, irrational, selfish, lazy, whatever--and still find love. A love they want and value.
Whether it's luck, charm, not too many faults to start, sterling qualities in the plus column, flexible standards, who knows.
But for many people, dating is the equivalent of learning social skills in the early years. Some things are appealing and others aren't. Some behavior is generally rewarded and some isn't.
And it works for men as well as women.
15
I was 28-ish when "The Rules" came out, and since I had never wanted to be married I didn't see the point. It seemed that it would resonate more with a younger woman who was in that early 20's transitional time or women who were long-term subscribers to Cosmo.
I am now 53, happily divorced, happily childless. I did the dating app thing after my divorce in 2014 and I had a lot of fun. I also met a man with whom I had the most compatible relationship of my adult life. We couldn't make it work in the long run, but I learned a lot.
I think being in your prime reproductive years really messes up your ability to make rational decisions. I wish I could have the time back that I spent trying to "get the guy". I hope that in a generation or two women (and men) will never hear that another human being is a prize to be sought, by hook or by crook.
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@Morgan so what happens when you’re 83 and there’s no one to be there for you? No one share the gracefulness of growing old together. Seems to me like the grasshopper and the ant with a lot of self justification and magical thinking. But regardless do continue to enjoying your life.
2
@Morgan you are so right. 43 now. I loved your sentence: "I think being in your prime reproductive years really messes up your ability to make rational decisions." I didn't make a rational decision. I gave up a great career to find a man and get married. I'm Asian - there was/is a certain expectation. I don't want my 2 daughters now to feel that getting married is a goal in life.
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I read The Rules a long time ago, but I recall it was about taking it slow when you meet someone you are very attracted to so you don’t get your heart broken. It’s not about hiding your authentic self. It’s a known fact that relationships that start with a fire can suddenly burn out. Don’t lose your balance over a hot guy. If you didn’t take the advice, it’s because you wished it wasn’t true.
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@Joanna Kirkwood yes, that was my reaction, too. I saw it saving people from being desperate and needy, not the game playing spin. Self respect vs self abnegation.
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I remember The Rules coming out when I was in my 20s and the cultural phenomenon that it was, although I never read it. I don't begrudge any woman who found it useful. If those same women managed to maintain happy and fulfilling relationships, more power to them. Like the author, I was never able to play the dating game very well, always seeking intellectual connections with my partners as much as physical ones. I've been happily married for 18 years, but I do think that the real (and less sexy) work is the day-to-day maintenance of one's primary partnership. I also think that when finding that partner, timing and location are just as important as any rules.
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@K K--- you are so right about timing.....as well as day-to-day maintenance.....Most relationships don't work well on autopilot
5
I remember this book and I remember thinking if you lie to get a husband, does that mean you have to keep up with the lie for the rest of your life? I always remember something my mother said "honesty many or many not be the best policy, but it is a lot less work". Lying is exhausting.
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Thank you, Taffy. You made me cry. "I married a man who had seen me at my highest and also my lowest, who had heard me scream and cry, who had loved that about me, too. I have many flaws — that’s maybe the point here — but I can say for sure that I never dealt dishonesty with anyone.... I only ever wanted to be known. I wanted to be loved, but not so much that I was willing to pretend I was someone else. What good is love if the person you are loved for isn’t really you? What is better than to be known and to be loved because you are known? Which book can teach you that before you learn it for yourself?"
When my parents put me in the car to drive away at the end of our wedding reception, I was on the floor of the back seat in a puddle of tears and wedding dress. My mother asked me if I was OK. My new husband was laughing at me. Eventually I choked it out. "I'm ...just...so..happy." You put your finger on why. I married someone who'd been my best friend already through many years. Now after 13 years of marriage, I agree with you. It has been the best kind of marriage. We are nothing alike; but I never have been anything but myself, and loved.
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I've always enjoyed Taffy's writing, and I adored this piece. Thank you!
As someone who was a teenager in the 90s, I can only look back at those years, and the messages we young women received, with a bit of disgust. The Rules, Ally McBeal, Sex and the City (and so many other examples)... I spent my teenage years and twenties feeling terribly inadequate for not being tall and skinny, for not dumbing myself down or playing the role of "damsel in distress" that seemed to be a requisite for finding a man. I'm glad I didn't, and I'm now glad that I spent all those years single. I didn't stop being myself, and eventually (at the "ancient" age of 34) married a wonderful man, who is an equal partner.
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@Adriana Ally McBeal? Sure, she was skinny but not tall. She was a bright & intelligent lawyer, a non-stop talker who over-shared & over-analyzed just about everything. And, in the end, didn’t she adopt a child & become a single mother?
I don’t recall any of the Sex in the City women dumbing themselves down either. Although they were no doubt glamorous and thin, they certainly didn’t play by The Rules, although Charlotte may have in the beginning but later asserted herself during her first marriage which ended in divorce, leading to her second marriage to a guy the opposite of her first husband.
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I did not know about that book, but around the same time that book came out, I remember reading this one, which I enjoyed and found it very helpful: He's just not that into you, quotes from that book's wisdom below...and is actually applicable to both women and men! (I have been happily married for almost 15 years)
https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/822184-he-s-just-not-that-into-you-the-no-excuses-truth-to-understanding-guys
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I think the author misses the point that "The Rules" weren't actually about finding a husband at all. They were about signalling your status as a middle / upper-middle class woman. It's not even subtle about being a classist book. "Get cosmetic surgery" is RED FLAG code for 'have a family with money. 'Getting' and, and it was 'getting' not finding, a husband was just the final signifier to that.
In the early 90s, and especially before that, a husband = financial security = middle class. If you loved him, that was nice. All that mattered was that he was now socially obligated to provide for you.
And I suppose I wanna say 'insidiuously' -- because let's be honest this also was based on manipulating men just as much as women -- "The Rules" typically attracted the kind of men who had that Alpha personality and therefore, again at the time, could provide.
I feel I can talk on this, because I grew up Mormon, and from 13 until you die Mormon culture for women is "The Rules".
I'm not an elegant writer like the author of this peice is, and I'm much younger, but, I really hope that people who read this consider just how much of the old dating paradigm was about maintaining social class above all else.
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@Eli: Bingo! Lived in Manhattan in the 90s. My friends who married very wealthy guys young were, generally speaking, Rules girls.
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Marriage, kids... just enough of a boost for you to survey the lives of modern folk and manage to feel vastly superior.
3
This is the second article of Taffy’s I’ve read, and she is now my favorite writer of all time. You had me at “her Rachel shimmering around her face”. I am packing up my house preparing to put it on the market, and I actually put the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” and other self-help books about “nabbing” men in the keep pile. After reading this article, I plan on moving it to the donate pile. My goal is no longer finding a man that completes me, but completing myself on my own. Thanks for making me laugh, Taffy, while opening my eyes.
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I found the book confusing at the time it came out, during my dating years. i made peace with it when i realized it was about "How to Catch a Husband" not "How to Have a Meaningful Relationship". For what it was, it seemed like reasonable advise, but it wasn't for me. i put it out on the stoop for someone else to enjoy.
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The NYT, this time using "Taffy Akner", mocks institutions that provide some happiness for women who otherwise would be kicked around for a lifetime in the "world of male work"
As for "playing hard to get", it has its virtues. Don't mock it.
We may be in another useless expensive war with Iran soon.
Feel like joining the mil to join in?
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Yikes. I just feel like I've been dragged through a labyrinth, a maze, of some sort with this article. From power plays, to dating apps, to being true to yourself, to Women's Lib...
4
SO WONDERFUL, I laughed with recognition at multiple points!
6
I love this piece, which is so devastating and so funny at the same time. By far my favorite TBA piece to date, and I especially thank her for “feministical.”
5
I didn't need to read the Rules because my mother (who came of age in the 1940's) taught them to me. The rules my mother espoused (and embodied in the Rules book) is a reflection of the glamour of the times (think Jackie O.). But there's a lot of truth to these ideas: in this world of Kim Kardashian, Cardi B and all the open and vulgar displays of sex and sexuality, no man or woman worth their salt wants to be committed to someone they don't respect and who doesn't respect themself. I still stand in awe of a beautiful woman or man who is polished, polite, and sexy in a subtle--not crass--way that is all too common today. I say to all the young people looking to settle down: look to your grandparents and parents as role models. Be selective and don't cheapen yourself by throwing everything out there. There's something to be said for mystery and glamour--it reflects self-confidence and independence.
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"How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me." WH Auden
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Loved these lines:
"What good is love if the person you are loved for isn’t really you? What is better than to be known and to be loved because you are known?"
43
A beautiful, heart-wrenching piece. We all want love, but for some reason, love isn’t always sure it wants us.
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Any surprise that the women of The Rules generation then walked away from their careers as soon as children came along.
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@Samantha
They kind of had to, didn't they? It's not like American companies like mothers or motherhood unless it's a good branding tactic.
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@Samantha, I am of an older generation. i thought I would return to work after the birth of my first child but was lucky enough to be able to stay home until my third child was three. I then got a graduate degree and started back to work in a field I loved for more than thirty years. I read The Rules along with my daughters. They didn't take the book seriously but they did have enough self respect to hold off on calling or texting. I think they really took "He's just not that into you" seriously. Which is a good thing!
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@Samantha I didn’t, and neither did most of my friends!
4
Even in the Trump era, this is the most depressing piece i’ve read in the Times. Myself, still peacefully single at 77, old woman with a cat, formerly middle-aged woman with parrots. Wishing you all the best of luck.
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@stillwaggon Yes, definitely the most depressing article. I'm 41, single, and on the verge of tears. I always laughed at The Rules, but here I am: single, wanting love but recognizing it might be too late. I'm glad you feel peace, I hope I can find that too.
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I learned a new word, “mieskeit.” I guess that made reading this depressing article worth it.
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How did we manage to get boyfriends, lovers, husbands etc., in the late 60s and through the 70s and the 80s, in France and other places, with barely a telephone per family and no apps, no Internet, no Book of Rules? No problem. My 4 sisters and I had boyfriends galore, as did our female relatives and friends. We had the Pill, and the will to use it. No Rules, just "Don't do anything you don't want to do". We thought we were men's equals, and acted accordingly. Sometimes we got a broken heart, and learn from it and no one died of it.
50 years later, as a still happily married ( and mother and grandmother), I look back at those days and I think we were the lucky ones. No Aids, no Apps, but the Pill and a huge feeling of freedom. No regrets!
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@Isabelle Coutelle I find that this author is overblowing the gravity of this book. It existed but it was hardly the Bible. It was one book, really, not everyone read it. She clearly took this book way too seriously.
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@Heather I don't think everyone read it, but it definitely had a pop culture moment at the time and was frequently discussed/joked about.
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@Isabelle Coutelle
Because the French aren't obsessed with being married. Either then, or now.
Because French adolescents socialise in groups of both sexes. "Dating" is often a group thing and less stressful.
Because the French don't take themselves so seriously and they sure don't expect a happy ending.
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You say: “The problem with “The Rules” isn’t that it shouldn’t need to exist (though, yes). The problem is that if you are someone who needs them, you are probably also someone incapable of following them. “
You are far too kind. The real problem with The Rules is that it’s about being manipulative, about being fake, and therefore about being dishonest. I would never want to date a woman who made an active effort toward using that type of manipulation, and I’d be outraged if I found out she had. This type of book is extremely damaging toward male-female interactions, which one would hope would be based on being genuine and being ourselves.
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As a man, I read this piece and had one thought.
"Outstanding. I almost never make it to the end of this kind of article."
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Wow. I had never heard of this book, but from the description, I would have guessed it was published in the 1950s, possibly the early ‘60s, and certainly no later than 1970. But 1995? I’m amazed. Were women really thinking like that, or was this author just very out of step?
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It made news so many of us read it but certainly didn't take it seriously.
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@Moby Doc The book, although meaningful for some, also created controversy for others because it was indeed pushing a 1950’s version of dating which seemed out of touch with the times. There was definitely blowback to The Rules.
7
I stopped reading at ‘heteronormative”.
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@Richard - I had to look it up. Word of the day!
2
Your choice to miss out!
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I enjoyed this article tremendously as I do all of Taffy's writing, but the assertion that The Rules authors do not advocate getting to know the man on a deep level is not true. I know the book well and remember it advising not to worry so much on dates whether or not the man is impressed by you, but to look for things in him to be impressed by. So they definitely do say that you should actually determine whether or not you are interested in him! I remember also in the book where they say to be cognizant of how he actually treats you, e.g., is he critical of you? Does he drink too much? Does he have an anger problem? These have nothing to do with a chase!
I have had a couple of phone consultations with Sherrie, after I got married and was struggling. Her advice was compassionate and practical. After a very long time of following it, I am now happily married.
23
Women are still not equal, and that is the problem with any "dating" formula then and now. Not on the internet, app, instant message age, no matter which way the screen swipes, the man is in control even in the 21st century. Men still call for that second date, or decide to last beyond the "12 week rule". They have even more power, because now they can do things like "ghosting" without any recourse. If committed, men still need to come home to the family after work, and not the bar, or the chat room. Sure, women may reach out to someone with doctored pictures and garner a "drink" date from a man with equally doctored pictures, but who initiates date #2, and why? In the 1990's life rules were very different. It was possible to buy a house, or a car, and take a vacation. There were things like pensions, and Sunday Mass. No one can be sure if the new rules are based on the ability to handle realities like FOMO, or looking like a reality TV start on a dating show. As out nation leans more and more to the right, men still have the power, right?
23
Interesting, I had never heard of "The Rules." On the other hand, I have been happily married for 28 years to someone who didn't need a dating self-help book, but who looked me in the eye, called me, smiled a lot; and we did whatever made us happy - in bed or otherwise. I have to guess the whole thing is a first-world problem, soon to be replaced by the next source of insecurity (with attendant TV shows and self-help books). Something along the line of "How to Relate" - a guide for a generation who only knows video games and text messaging, so have no in-person friends and can't possibly start a relationship of any meaningful sort. In the meantime, folks in poorer countries are dating and marrying and reproducing just fine. Which leads to a question: which is the advanced culture?
15
Love, like many things in life, is a result partly of strategy and work, but luck looms large. People in happy couples should remember this before they tell single people "my way worked, you are doing it wrong."
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@KGIdeology----" In the meantime, folks in poorer countries are dating and marrying and reproducing just fine. Which leads to a question: which is the advanced culture?"
Do you realize that half of those brides in the poorest countries are girls under the age of 18? And that child marriage is most common in the world’s poorest countries and is often concentrated among the poorest households within those countries.
Not so advanced after all.
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@David G "my way worked, you are doing it wrong." -- is not what I said or implied. What I said was that this was a fad book, one that capitalized on insecurities that have developed in our society based on "advances" that have left us unable or unwilling to interrelate with one another naturally and thus require outside "help" - supplied by someone looking to make a profit. "My way", as you put it, was simply to be ourselves, and yes we do consider ourselves lucky. I agree with you that here is no "right" way to do it, but this book sure said there was - which was in fact that it was selling: "catch a man our way, or be left out and lonely" - which was a powerful sales tactic.
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There’s only one rule. Whoever cares less wins.
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@Adelaide
Except that nobody "wins" a relationship.
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@Adelaide
I disagree. It's easy to care less. The real prize is learning to care at the very top of your game. Starting with yourself.
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@Adelaide
The problem is that if you “win” in a relationship, you’re stuck with a loser.
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I was too old for "The Rules," and much too young for Helen Gurley Brown's "Sex and the Single Girl," but read them with equal fascination. Almost identical roadmaps for changing oneself to land a man, written thirty years apart. About the only difference was that in Brown's pre-Cosmo Girl times, the idea of being a working single woman post-college or high school was still a novelty. And to be honest, her book was a lot more fun to read!
22
I remember this book, along with “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, which I read but not “The Rules”. I felt the message was for other women(read: white women) and none of the rules would apply to dating black men.
I eventually skimmed it and found some rules similar to the harsh warnings from my oppressive Catholic mother but the boom would have never helped me because I’m looking for something rare, just two people who enjoy each other’s company without having to apply “rules”(a power struggle).
25
I remember years ago, being surprised to learn that the comedian Steve Harvey wrote a book on dating advice for (heterosexual) women. It's called Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.
I don't know if he was aware of The Rules when he wrote it. His book is insightful and stands out for its consistent message that women should always respect themselves and settle for nothing less than that from men they wish to attract or date.
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I really enjoyed this article - and actually laughed out loud a few times. I first heard about this book as a 30-year old following a divorce in 1997. I remember one rule that said not to laugh too hard or tell too many jokes? Whatever.
However, my mom did give me some dating advice while growing up about not calling boys, etc., that I did follow. I probably sound like the mom I am now, but I feel for the women on dating apps getting shown some guy's junk. And maybe there are some women that are into getting choked or slapped, (and more power to them if that's what they are into) but my feeling its that there are a fair number that will do what they feel is expected or wanted in order to be loved. I've heard college girls say that guys aren't interested in girls that don't perform oral on the first date. In that way, I guess I am more old-fashioned than I thought I was.
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"The Rules" are formulaic and often unrealistic. But when I was single again 10 years ago, I badly needed to learn some things I had somehow, embarrassingly, missed. I found "The Rules" and learned that some of them were helpful and empowering for me... and that my mother was probably right about a couple things:
"Don't Call (or Text!) Him" — Like they say in "He's Just Not That Into You," (another book I found helpful), he knows how to contact you. I learned how to give my time to men who made an effort to get it.
"Love Only Those Who Love You" — Amen. It was very liberating to stop giving my mental energy to unrequited love, flakes, ghosters, and wafflers.
"Don't Live with a Man" — this helped me stay grounded and independent. I also demonstrated what I required (a ring and wedding date) for such intimate access to my life.
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Thank you for this piece. It was a very cathartic read for someone who also felt stifled by the expectations of The Rules, tried briefly to follow them, felt like an impostor, and found happiness once I focused on being my true non-Rulesian self.
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Unashamed to declare that The Rules helped me find a husband. The take home for me was valuing yourself enough to accept being treated with respect. The book specifically said that you could sleep with them as much as you want but do not spend the night over there more than 2 nights/week.
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Gee, thanks for “making room” for depraved women who actually do enjoy the activities you describe as degrading. Pretty judgemental for an essay about how women should be accepting our authentic selves.
For the record, the not calling/texting/e-mailing every day thing works like a charm.
31