"How to Survive the Loss of a Love" is the best...the only...outstanding book on this topic...slim and effective....It helps one de-mystify the other, re-balance what was good and not-so-good about the other person AND you AND the relationship; and doesn't try to force you to "get over it" in 24 hours! For godz sake! And the book helps whether you've lost a beloved animal, your spouse, your mother, your job or your heath. Not "spiritual", just downright clarity and reasonableness.
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Classic book on how to survive a breakup, using great literature as a guide: https://www.publishersweekly.com/978-0-446-67854-4
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Only one day to wallow? Who is she kidding? It took me months to finally fall out of love and feel whole again. Along the way I had very dark days. If a relationship is deep, and meaningful, and you are the type of person who really bonds with others, then breaking up is not going to be easy. And especially if that break up follows having already lost a spouse to a premature death. This article didn't even broach the subject of needing to fall out of love with your ex. Falling in love takes time, and so does falling out of love.
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iyanla vanzant likes to say you cannot recover from a breakup until you "do your work." once i figure out what that work involves, i'll do it. for now, though, it's a good book, candy crush, and game of thrones for me.
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Best thing to do is to write down all the bad stuff that was done to you. And then read it during those moments when you are feeling weak and thinking maybe that relationship wasn't so bad. It's like throwing cold water on yourself. I was told over and over forget what happened and move on. The thing that saved me from making a terrible mistake and going back was looking back at all the stuff that really hurt me.
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@free at last
the term “move on” should be abolished! If you could, you would! Having said that, not all love affairs end because someone did something bad to the other. Sometimes it is just the sad mutual recognition that you don’t want the same things. That you’re too different to make a happy life together.
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I wrote down the bad stuff that was done to me and then published it online - along with the entire back story, as told in 16 years of emails and texts. And I included his name and photo. Now everyone who ever googles him can learn from his own words in their full context what shaped him as a person, how he thinks, feels, acts, and why, and what they can expect: bencamarillo.com
He was my best friend, not a romantic partner, but his betrayal of my trust and subsequent breakdown of the friendship was worse than any breakup with a boyfriend I've had. I learned much later that what I experienced is called betrayal trauma. It wrecked my health and I don't think I'll ever recover completely, seeing as it has been several years already and I haven't. Making and sharing that website helped me stay alive when I didn't think I could and didn't want to. Such stories need to be told, it's the only way to prevent similar harm to others.
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@UA Unfortunately UA, I think what you did is called vengeance and in my experience, as time goes by and feelings fade, it often leaves in its wake deep regret. Not because the "antagonist" didn't deserve it, but because it is corrosive to the "protagonist." It feeds the evil rather than kills it. And while your life is tied up in knots over the evil doer, he/she, if true to form, couldn't care less. Indifference is the ultimate revenge.
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If we could view our goal as living a happy life vs. checking a marital status box, I think we'd all be a lot better off and less inclined to settle to meet a deadline we ourselves set. But yes, after a breakup, don't replace. Do an emotional autopsy. Be honest with yourself about what you contributed to the break-up and which signs you ignored. Be grateful for what you learned from the experience. Then move forward.
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I would also advise people who break from a long-term relationship to look honestly at themselves and how their own behaviour contributed to that break up. Also, make note which behaviours/attitudes of your partner did you dislike. I did this at the end of my first marriage and felt that I knew myself, my weaknesses and strengths and what kind of things I was not willing to put up with in a partner. I've now been married a second time for almost 39 years...so far so good!
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Seek advice from persons who are successful in the area in which you want to excel. Investing? Seek advice from those that have profited consistently. Relationships? Seek advice from those in good ones, fulfilling relationships, long lasting etc.
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Here is some unsolicited advice for you: thin mints are the appropriate binge eating Girl Scout cookie, not Samoas.
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@Elizabeth
Sounds like the voice of experience!
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@Elizabeth that's because Samoas are meant to be savored ...
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Having been divorced 3 times, the only advice I can give for those going through a breakup is keep moving forward but don't rush into another relationship trying to fill in the hole left by the breakup. Your instincts may not be at their best and you can make some disastrous choices, like my second marriage, 5 months of terror followed by a year of stalking. It took me several years to get up enough nerve to date after that. My third marriage lasted quite a bit longer but after that I have lived a happy, single life, which has proved to be my best life. So don't rush, take it slow and find your best life.
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I learned many years ago, good friends can give well-meaning but terrible advice. No one knows what's right for you except you and a trained therapist. I now say: "If I want advice, I'll pay for it." As for casual dating, it also serves another important function. It allows you to see that there are other options in the world, other people who actually like you, and other roads to travel.
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