My nephew died at 6 years old after fighting a rare fibrosarcoma of the brain for two years. My sister and her husband joined the club no one wants to join. And so did the rest of our family. The grief never leaves. I've been comforted to read comments that say the same thing - that the loss is felt after many years. The size of the hole is equal to the size of our/my love for David, and so how could it shrink? I don't know if I can stand to read Jayson Greene's book, but I may try.
11
This is a tragedy for any parent. It was nevertheless an accident and one must see it through this lens. Furthermore, this is an accident that no parent could foresee, a brick falling from the sky, it might as well have been a meteorite, a ball of hail, or any such thing,
One of my colleague's son died: how? A car stuck him. The boy was 4. Kids are too fidgety, and he pulled himself from his father's firm hand and ran out in the street in front of a moving car and of course we all know the rest. An accident as well but a bit different, the father always thinks he wishes he had held him tighter. My little daughter had done exactly a similar thing, pulled away, fell on the road (fortunately no traffic we were crossing the road with green light for us) and chipped her front baby tooth. I had to move literally heaven and earth to get her to a dentist to get that chip fixed so by the time she arrived home that day the tooth was perfect as seen. We knew what had happened.
I understand their pain. This world is a difficult place and sometimes, unfortunately, accidents happen...even something falling from the sky.
4
My daughter, my first born, Elizabeth was only 22 months old when she died. A part of me died when she died.
My son, my second born, Kevin died when he as 23 months old. Another piece of me died when he died.
The hardest part is that the doctor's where never able to diagnose, exactly, what it was that took my babies life's.
I am 58 years old now and I'm still grieving Elizabeth and Kevin but with help I'm able to move forward.
Years later, after my babies died, I adopted a baby girl. This baby girl that I was 'blessed' with is now a grown women that just made me a first time Grandmother. I had no idea that becoming a Grandmother would feel so wonderful!
13
Congratulations! I hope this brings you much joy!
2
35 years ago my wife found our three month old daughter dead in bed from SIDS. For several years the pain was unimaginable and every morning I would awake, momentarily feeling fine, and then, with a thump, the grief and knowledge would return. With time, a great deal of time, the hurt decreases. As I age , I am comforted to know I will return to the ones I have lost, Wherever we go from here, I will join them.
Gentle rain
Falls on me
All life folds back
Into the sea
We contemplate eternity
Beneath the vast indifference of heaven.
W. Zevon
3
I am stunned by the author’s bravery and eloquence. Happily the couple’s love for each other transcended tragedy. They are still together. A rarity when the death of a child destroys a marriage. So glad theirs survived to bring another child into their world. I wish them happiness.
6
My aunt lost both her children, my cousins, each to a different cancer, each upon reaching 58 years of age. She slipped into what geriatric doctors called dementia, but to me -- looking at her eyes, listening to the way she spoke -- it was a sort of madness.
Placed finally in the psychiatric ward of a hospital, she hung her head most of the time. The last time I saw her, she lifted her face somewhat, turned to me, and said, "Unfair."
It was last word I ever heard her utter. It might very well have been her last word. She died soon thereafter.
9
I think about Greta and your family all the time, I hope you know that she is remembered and loved by many who never knew her. It could have been any of us.. I spent most of my life on that block and was pregnant with my first on that day. I'm so sorry it happened; I'll never forget it or any of you.
30
My parents lost an infant 12 years before I was born. Her presence in the house was such that I knew her as well as I knew my living siblings.
Looking back, it seems that child mattered more to my mother than her living ones did.
Everyone is forever changed, even children not yet born.
25
There's just nothing worse than losing a child. Good thing that these parents have had the support and comfort of others---so important--- and this father has been able to so eloquently capture the gravitas. Everyone, especially some, should be made to read this book to gain some compassion, empathy which is so lacking today.
6
@former MA teacher
There *are* indeed things as bad/worse than losing a chid. But let's stop quantifying trauma and loss and grief. It's insensitive, ignorant and hurtful.
3
This week is the six year accident of my son's tragic death and the fact that this family was brave enough to share their thoughts should be applauded. The pain of losing a child in an accident is one that never goes away but does smooth over time in the same way a stone in the river looses it sharp edges.
27
I used to work for an agency that granted wishes to terminally ill children. Every child I worked with had the spirit and glow of an angel. Simply being in their presence was inspirational and moving. Each parent I worked with did their best to barely hang on. After their sweet little one passed, they kept in touch to let me know how they were coping. In time, many of them decided to have another child. But some parents were so distraught and shattered, they were terrified to go down that road once again. The pain was so immense, they felt they could not handle another crisis if one were to darken their life.
I really wish this book had been available back then because there is a unique and quieting comfort that surrounds a parent who has endured the deep torment and emotional tearing of the passing of a child, especially a very young child.
Regardless of a parent's age or the duration of the loss, every parent is scared and haunted by the passing of their child. My mother always had a quite sadness about her, much because her own mother passed when she was 12, but also because she lost her first two babies. Even though those losses occurred in a span of 50 years, the amount of time that had passed was irrelevant. The pain and sadness never left. She never stopped missing them or wishing they were alive and in her life.
I know in my heart the first sweet faces she saw when she died were those of her mother and her two sons. They were together once again.
10
Each morning I awake with those I have lost, and they stay present always. I am very grateful that I recognize the value of continuing to love those whom I have lost. Indeed, my life is nuanced by them, comforted by them.
6
I write comments reasonably often to the NYT. I usually judge my own efforts as being off-key in that they rarely seem noticed either by other commenters or moderators. And I wonder if maybe the darkness in my words is somehow a reflection of being a member of the later group to which this book’s author belongs.
Recently I retold the now long ago (31 years in July) story of my first son’s death to a good friend who had not heard it in such detail. She was horrified if sympathetic. What happens to a person’s emotional architecture when tragedy is one of the base materials of existence? Perhaps the real lesson is not in those of us who have closely witnessed tragedy. Perhaps the real learning needs to happen in the lives of those who are seemingly blessed by not having suffered such a loss as the death if a child. It might seem to be a cruel acknowledgement for me to share but humor me.
You will suffer loss too. It may come with more “order” but likely it will come as a fluttering of dark wings unforeseen on a dusky eve. You will be stunned. The utter confusion of our misbegotten cosmologies will likely leave you rent with doubt. And if you bravely step back into the light as this couple has, you will gain many gifts. And one will be the easy tears of knowing the truth of our fragility, and the strength of what love can give. Good luck friends. God bless these folks for writing and sharing their path.
17
Thank you for your profound words. I am so sorry about your loss. You are right; the fluttering wings await us all.
5
@Southern. I thank you and I wish you peace.
3
Seeing the picture of precious Greta on her dad's shoulders, knowing the interminable sadness of her loss at such a young and innocent age, and her father's story of his path through early grief, may help others who belong to this terrible club aptly described as a parent's worst nightmare. And it is just that. I know Jayson Greene's sadness, I know his grief, and I know his heartache. Other members of this "club" include all the grieving parents and families of those 70,000 plus sons, daughters, sisters and brothers who succumbed to opioid misuse in 2017 alone...now threatening to wipe out a generation of young people. Is it any wonder that our nation, and affected families who have lost a child at any age, cry out with grief? Or that a beautiful book by a brokenhearted and suffering parent is desperately searched for words of comfort? or for hope? or for a possible pathway through this time of darkness and overwhelming tragedy?
3
Yes this is a sad tragedy, but there seems to be a growing trend that attempts to quantify and rank grief, with losing a child from an affluent, white family being at the very top of the “unimaginable” list.
The thing is, this happens around the world daily. Children are vulnerable and freak accidents occur daily. Hundreds of years ago, families expected children to often succumb to disease. It is tragic, but there is a finality to death that many people do not have — people who lose the personality of a loved one due to a TBI, survivors or sexual assault who forever lose their sense of safety, and on and on. Unfortunately, no one wants to hear such stories or offer sympathy so quickly as they do for the lose of child.
3
@K. Smith, no clue what your point is but your comment is cruel and inappropriate. Sharing experiences like this, as Jayson clearly so beautifully has, reminds us of our common humanity and how precious our children are to us. Your assumption that he and his wife are affluent may well be incorrect but, in any case is irrelevant.
15
@K. Smith
Granted, there are untold degrees and examples of loss and grief. This article (and book) focused on one aspect - the tragic death of the author's 2-year-old daughter, Greta, in addition to how this death effected the parents and grandmother in the aftermath.
Personally, I am grateful that Mr. Greene had the courage and strength to write and share such a devastating hardship. The color of his skin nor his social stratification were of no consequence to me. I read his book because I was drawn to the subject matter.
I was taken aback as well as felt such sadness by the lack of compassion and tender sensitivity which was glaringly apparent in the above comment.
12
@Marge Keller
I apologize for my mangled closing sentence. I meant to write: "I was taken aback and felt such sadness by the lack of compassion and tender sensitivity which was glaringly absent in the above comment."
4
I am part of the second group having lost my daughter at age 24, however, I feel there is another tier of death in the second group: parents of children, particularly young women, killed by men with guns or beaten to death in domestic violence. Murder or suicide of a child by prolific guns (and/or drugs) in our violent society is surely the third rail in the "second group". It is one thing to explain that you lost your child to a freak accident or to cancer or other illness, but it is another thing entirely to explain to say she was murdered by a boyfriend with two gunshots to the head.
My beautiful talented daughter was killed at age 24 in just such a way as she sought to end the relationship with a man she had come to realize had untreated mental illness and owned three guns legally. There's a special degree of assumed complicity and guilt and well, just plain avoidant unpleasant response when you attempt to explain that you no longer have a daughter because she was murdered. Much less real sympathy and more a quick end to the conversation, like you might have ebola or such, something contagious. I'm very sure parents of suicides face this same response and sense of unspoken complicit guilt.
Believe me, in our violent gun-ridden drug-soaked society, there are more tragic tiers even in the Second Group.
22
I’m so very sorry.
9
My heart breaks for you.
8
I read the excerpt from Mr. Greene's book where he worries about how he will tell his toddler about his sister's death, and about how he talks to him about her now. I've known people who had miscarriages or had children die as infants and adolescents. Sometimes their grief was so overwhelming that it hovered over their remaining children's lives like a dark cloud, being brought up at every holiday and supposedly happy occasion. It must be terrible to be made to feel as though a dead sibling is always a presence constantly grieved. How do you keep from feeling guilty that they died while you lived?
10
My father pulled off the side of the road and died as he sat behind the wheel while driving my family home from a picnic the summer I turned 12. Just like that. Everything doesn't happen for a reason, it turns out.
My heart goes out to Greta's family. I don't think I could read this book. I was a mess just from reading the review. But, I admire the courage and grace it took to write it.
24
To say I’m sorry for your loss sounds trite and meaningless, please don’t think I’m diminishing your sadness.
I used to read mysteries about serial killers but after having children, found them too disturbing to pick up; I too was a mess after reading this review and am not sure I could handle an entire memoir.
6
So very sad. There are many ways to win a lottery and stories like these reinforce my desire not to win any of them.
Our seven year old boy died in 2004. The impulse to ensure our survival of the loss - began the night of his death. We are still here and still married. The loneliness is the hardest part. The author's words to his daughter I wish to say to our friends and family...To those who know bereaved parents. Talk about the dead child, and stay close to us. We will always need you.
20
I cannot imagine what pain you must feel every day but am impressed you are still married, despite the odds. It must be comforting to be with someone who wholly understands how you feel.
5
I am so sorry for the loss Greta's family has suffered. My four year old brother died of the flu in the 1957 pandemic. I was five. I remember sitting on the sofa when my mother told me, my father silent beside her. It would be almost thirty years before either of them could talk to me about him again.
10
Such a sad story. However, the Esplanade has not closed. It has new owners and is now called 305 West End Residences. It is still a place for seniors. Unfortunately, they are terrible landlords, but that is for another time.
4
38 years ago, my infant son died. And he has died again every after. What do you call someone who's child has died? I don't know, but my arms will forever hurt from emptiness.
21
I heard Jayson on the Everything Happens podcast with Kate Bowler. He was eloquent and honest about their grief.
3
This is one of those unimaginable tragedies where the cliche "there are no words" is almost the only thing one can say.
On another note, the term "survivor porn" used by the reviewer is just appallingly insensitive and nauseating. Who let that slip through? (Also, while for sure the reviewer's loss of her sister IS tragic, why does she include that here? It's irrelevant and tone-deaf.)
26
HELL is losing your only Millennial child, your beloved extension of self to a rare sarcoma with no known cure. Then having others say to you, "how was your Mother's Day?" Good grief!!!!
7
I remember when Greta died and I remember reading Jayson’s NYT article three years ago, and crying again. When my now teen-aged daughters were born I was asked by contemporaries what most surprised me about parenthood. The answer to me has always been how vulnerable we make ourselves as parents. Joy in life increases - but also leaves our control. Thanks to Jayson for continuing to tackle the unthinkable. And I wish you nothing but happiness going forward.
29
I recently read the author's essay pondering how and when to explain the death of his beloved sister, Greta to Harrison. Knowing that these circumstances were beyond explanation and that merely giving them voice could scare Harrison about the randomness of accidents, he knew the day would come when he had would have to tell him. The strength of this couple in the expression of their grief has been a salve for many. Their grace, a quality to aspire to. May their days be filled with abundant happiness and well being from this day forward. To all parents everywhere who have lost a child, Amen.
13
A tragic story, to be sure. But it almost takes one’s breath away to think, to really think, about the untold number of such tragedies that occur around the world in places where losing a child is common rather than vanishingly rare. How many people are walking the earth with memories not so different from these filling their minds?
I have no particular point to make with this observation other than that the world is a enormous, beautiful, awful, and inspiring place all at once.
13
I would like the family to know that there are many people who are always thinking about Greta and wishing the best for the whole family.
23
I dont know the Greene's but I do know their mom Susan, who was my neighbor. And I am still troubled by this tragic story of four years ago and think of it every time I pass the building where it happened, which is next door to where I live and often tell people about it. I feel for Susan and I feel for the Greene's and fret over my own children and grandchildren all the more. Hebrew has a word for a parent who has lost a child- "shakool". It's similar to "bereaved" but it's permanent. "Bereaved" implies that you finish with it after a while. "Shakool" is forever.
51
My two year old brother died suddenly when pneumonia caused a weak spot in his diaphragm to burst. I was three. My memories of that time are like short film clips: riding our tricycles in circles in the house, T. standing in his crib and rocking to nursery songs, my mother's mouth colored a bright red saying that he was dead; my father standing in the darkened kitchen crying into a dishtowel. His death shaped all our lives. A second much-loved brother followed and lived; but of course children don't replace each other. I'm now the the last person who remembers T. It bothers me to think that when I die he'll go too.
47
My first-born, Brandon Thomas, was 4 months old when he died in 1984.
I joined the "club" no one wants to be a member of - parents whose child died.
My love and prayers to all who have suffered the loss of their child -
10
Well, my goodness, but "survivor porn" is an unfortunate term. Couldn't you find another way to express your idea?
41
I remember reading this story in the Times when the tragedy happened. It has stayed with me now for 4 years. I am so grateful to hear that the Greene's have had the chance to parent again, but am still so sorry for their loss.
114
An acquaintance of mine had a baby this year who was born with a defective heart.
He was able to get a transplant at just two months old and after five months was able to leave the hospital...to me a genuine miracle. I ran into the father today, holding his big bright eyed six month old baby.
Greta’s organs saved many other children. This does not change the terrible tragedy of her early death, but as someone who has just witnessed a baby live because of some parents’ generous spirit at a time of tragedy I can say you were brave and right to donate her organs.
245
Jayson - My mother lived in the apartment at Esplanade on the eight floor right above where the brick fell. Her aide rushed to get outside when she heard what happened to see if she could help. She gave your baby CPR before the EMS arrived, something she was not allowed to according the rules of her job and something she could have been fired for. She said she didn't care and persisted while the other aides clustered about and cheered her on. Your daughter took some breaths and seemed revived. We were all so optimistic. I hope this isn't hard for you to read, if you are reading the comments, there's a bit of beauty here, too, that my mother's aide didn't let anything stand in her way to help your girl. (A few days later, the head of the agency called her, which we were sure was to dress her down or fire her. Instead, he said: you're my hero). fyi: I tried to contact you through Facebook
87
I turned my back for a moment and let my 9-month old daughter crawl off the edge of a very tall bed in a hotel. I saw her face hit the tile floor and waited for what seemed like a lifetime for her to make a sound. In the end I (and my daughter) were beyond lucky and the doctors at the ER made sure this was understood - I haven’t shaken the experience. My heart goes out to the author as well as to people whose children suffered injury, or worse, because their parent made a stupid mistake like I did.
56
@ABC Be gentle to yourself. Our bed is low to the ground, and each of our daughters fell off of it around 7 months (and were totally fine). After the first one fell, I googled for info "baby fall off bed" and learned that it's extremely common for children to fall off beds between 6 and 10 months. It's that age when they so incredibly quickly go from not being able to move around much to being wild animals. You're not stupid for having that happen once. Having it happen with the 2nd child, as we did, well ....
6
@ABC, we're all human and make mistakes. I'm so glad your daughter is OK. My heart goes out to YOU. I blamed myself for many years for an accident with my son, who also emerged fine. But I could not let go of the guilt. I hope you will forgive yourself as I ultimately did.
5
The anguish of losing a child, especially at a young age is a particular form of hell, which unfortunately never goes away. I've heard this same sentiment, from hundreds of patients who suffered this fate, this is wrong, my child was not supposed to go before me. A parent is not supposed to live while the child lies dead, buried.
In those moments, saying I'm sorry for your loss-- sounded so hollow to my own ears.
The last passage in the article is heart wrenching... it reminded me of a video from Syria in a war zone hospital after bombs/shelling, a young female doctor is trying to save a young boy's life but she has no medication, no equipment. His mother is standing beside crying... and when the child dies, all covered in blood and shattered, that physician goes into a corner, hunches down and you can see her loosing it, openly bawling, her whole body shaking.
The camera is on the mother, who despite crying is calmer now (she's speaking in Arabic, she says this), well... he's gone to Paradise now, he had been asking me to cook him (some desert's name). But I had nothing to give him, so now... he can have the food there. At least he will get it, I couldnt't give him anything.
That scene, that moment is one of the most painful, haunting things I have ever seen- and I've seen destruction of war up close.
107
My brother was killed in a car accident six weeks after graduating from college. I had just graduated from high school also six weeks prior. My mother died suddenly from a heart attack. Her funeral was on my 40th birthday and 2 days later my son turned 1.
I have always felt that you live your life differently when you are in the 2nd group, those who experience tragic, sudden death of a loved one. It changes you. I became so much more aware of being kind and considerate. Not just to family and friends but strangers, too. You don't know what pain and suffering the person next to you has experienced. The trauma of the death of your child being the worst.
Be kind.
180
@acd I feel EXACTLY this way.
The 2nd group is different because we will never again re-act with nonchalance to a phone-call at a slight odd time. In scary situations we don't say "well, what's the worst that could happen?" because we know that sometimes the worst does happen.
I too feel I am kinder because of it. I also feel (I have lost three close ones - a car accident, a heart-attack an a suicide) that I worry less about those things that don't kill me. Whether little things in the house get done on time, whether I get out enough, replying to invitations and work propositions. I still try to hit deadlines, I just know it's not the end of the world if I don't.
And yes to kindness.
4
My mother died in 1976, I was just 21 and out of College. It was my first and my deepest lost. For three years I grieved. In December 2017 my son and only child, age 36, was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma, on his heart. Tue rarest type of cancer, as cancer does not attack the heart. I remember driving my car, pulling off to the side of the road, as I thought, this can not be. I looked out over the dark December clouds, and spoke out loud, Mom, please do not do this to me, I’m begging you, please hear me.
Six months later, my son was cured of his lymphoma, with his heart as strong as ever. A miracle the doctors say, maybe but for me, my the shinning star will always be my Mom, who I celebrated yesterday and everyday, as close as ever to me.
169
@Lindsay K
Nuschler meant no harm: be kind.
4
@Lindsay K, so well said. Not the time for a lesson but to celebrate the life of Janet and her son. SO HAPPY FOR YOU, JANET!!!
3
I clicked on the link to read the essay Jason Greene wrote for the Times "Children Don't Always Live": heartbreaking and beautiful writing.
In the review, this sentence struck me “Children who lose parents are orphans; bereaved spouses are widows. But what do you call parents who lose children?"
18
@LT. That sentence struck me, too. All I could think was "mom" and "dad" because that's what they are and will always be, even though their child isn't here anymore.
14
@LT
Parents who lose children?
Filled with grief and a hole in their hearts that can NEVER be filled.
8
@LT
I think of them as "surviving parents". They are listed as survivors in the obituary, and for so many parents (like my own after my three-year-old sister died of cancer), the rest of life is surviving, sometimes on a higher level of functioning, sometimes just staying alive.
Similarly, siblings are forever "surviving siblings".
All are indelibly marked by the unrelenting reality of death and loss -- and the fragility of life.
Some may be conscious of these feelings, and some may become numb in order to deal with life.
Still, I believe no one is left without a wound after the death of a child.
I wish the Greenes grace and wisdom in embracing the unique new life they have courageously created.
2
Our first child, Erika, died at 6 months and 10 days of age. I was 26 years old when she died. I am now 71. The tragic death of our child never leaves me. Never.
264
@Rich I think it's normal that it never leaves a parent. How could it be otherwise? I'm sorry for your loss seems terribly inadequate to express how another can recognize your decades of suffering.
12
We were ”marked”... I still grieve after my son’ Morgan’s death almost 10 years ago. At times I have an uncomfortable feeling that he is watching and present. For me, my son’s birth and death were ”Life Changing”’ events; each one shaping my values and purpose. I suspect the Greene’s and others “marked” will have similar experiences. I wish them joy and the best on their new journey.
35
i m thinking about all the kids killed in American schools and their parents.........
100
I'm a musician familiar with Pitchfork, but not Jayson Greene in particular.
Mon Dieu, he can write.
and the last paragraph is a tearjerker like no other I've read recently.
38
Home and workplace accidents this are especially tragic and brutal, maybe because the outcome could have been different. But life isn't that close to perfect, just look at the pedestrian victims of driverless car technology, and how utterly senseless those accidents are.
1
A good book review, in general, on a profoundly saddening tragdey. But it's annoyingly jarring to see, especially in a piece on tragedy, maybe especially involving a child, the awful, hackneyed use of the word porn as in:
" . . . adventures I think of as survivor porn . . . "
Also, no one knows what staying in your own lane means -- as in " Greene stays mostly in his own lane" -- so it would be nice to see an end to that meaningless cliche.
By the midpoint of this review it was easy to tell it was written by someone outside the Times.
47
My heart is with Greene and his family, although I disagree with one of his musings. I suspect we do not have a word for parents who have lost a child not because they are not supposed to exist but because throughout most of human history losing a child was nearly ubiquitous to the parenting experience. It is only in the last 75 years or so that all one's children living to adulthood was to be expected. The wonderful advances in health and medicine that have made this possible have unfortunately also resulted in those who do lose children through no fault of their own feeling uniquely isolated and guilty.
71
I want to read this book for the humanity and love it surely projects.
But I don't want to read it as I cried reading this review.
But there is a profound connection between all of us, or most of us, those of us who have lost our loved ones.
When I read these words: “And … please — stay close to me. I need you, too, and I will look for you wherever I go,”
I wondered how Mr. Greene read my mind. Those are the words I say to my husband, and my sisters - missing them but keeping them with me all the time.
I ask my husband to watch over me and our children, to help me make good decisions, to understand what I do.
I channel my sisters by staying close with their children.
They all left a legacy and that is forever love.
I am certain that Greta is watching over Harrison and her and Stacy and Jayson with forever love.
24
Thanks to Jason's story and Stacy's commitment to organ donation, Greta's life is now a light to the world in what is surely the dark continent on the map of human experience. Greta, you are a star, the pinnacle of your parents' humanity. Jason, my prayers turn to you and your family, to your steps forward into the light of life with your son and daughter.
26
Losing a child is the worst loss. I have not; and agonize for Jason and Stacy Greene, and admire how they've soldiered on and thrived. Lost a very close, much admired and long time friend a few years ago to ALS, and as the end of the article says, “And … please — stay close to me. I need you, too, and I will look for you wherever I go.” One recovers, moves forward, but it always hurts just as much, altho after a time not as often, and forever.
6
Devastating. Among other feelings, I'm so glad Susan now has another reason to live.
11
I needed this today. To know of someone else's grief and how they rise above it. Thank you and peace to you both, and to know that there is a shining star in the universe named "Greta".
15
Dear Mr.and Mrs. Greene,
As a mother of a now 16 year old, I cannot fathom the pain you have felt over the tragic loss of your baby girl, Greta. As a fellow human being, I am in awe of your strength. I know you will carry on for your son Harrison, and because Greta would undoubtedly want you to. You are teaching all of us to truly be grateful, and to have the fortitude to forge ahead even after living through the worst that can happen. Thank you for sharing and for making the world a better place. Harrison is lucky to have you.
22
“Children who lose parents are orphans; bereaved spouses are widows. But what do you call parents who lose children? It seems telling to me there is no word in our language for our situation. It is unspeakable..."
I sit here shaking my head because I truly am speechless. Life isn't fair, and tragedies happen all around us, but for there not to be a word to describe this condition is truly remarkable.
6
About 25 years ago my sister lost her toddler, the author of the reviewed book described something perfectly I had never found words for, "looking at her heartbreak was like looking at the sun." That is precisely it.
If you need proof that the world is a cold, heartless and completely random place, my sister eventually had two more kids, she just lost her youngest, a college freshman. It's like her and her husband win the misery lottery. As a parent myself, their grief is unimaginable to me.
91
In 1976 our first born a son, arrived healthy and strong and soon after we tried for another child. In 1978 an 1979 my wife and lost two children that will never be. Our first born was fine. Our daughter arrived in the spring of 1980 and we fretted deeply because she was all but premature and looked likely not to survive. Nevertheless despite looking frail she made it.
My wife and I separated almost 25 years ago. She never mentioned the losses but it took a toll on me. I always think of the children that never were. How much I would have loved them!
It's many years later, I remarried in 2001 and enjoying our retirement years. We have six grandchildren between us. Yet no matter how happy I am with all of them there is always that wisp of sadness for two children that never had a chance.
No matter how you lose a child the pain of loss never goes away. I wonder if God embraced them in heaven the way I would have. I wonder if I'll ever get to see them and hold them and tell them I love them.
Que Sera, Sera.
54
@Jay, Almost 49 years ago we had the most beautiful baby boy. then a little over 2 years later we were pregnant with another child. No sign of trouble until almost 7 months into the term and I went into premature labor. Again, we had a beautiful baby, but this time it was a tiny little girl that I got to hold for just a few minutes before the nurses took her away. She lived through the night and died early the next morning. My husband would not talk about her for the longest time for when he did he would break down. I cried at night so my little son would not see his mother devastated, but he new something was wrong. I was not sure if I ever wanted to risk having another child, but I guess higher power thought differently. Less then a year later I had another early birth, but she was somewhat larger and was born in a larger hospital that new a little more. She has been joined by another sister, and I make sure that the three of them know and talk about their sister. My husband finally came to terms with her death and we morn together on her birthday and holidays, but we still wish.... Losing a child and the pain it causes never goes away, but I guess its just one of the injustices that life throws at us. No one that has never gone through losing a child can never knows the pain so I guess we just suffer in silence as we can never explain. Thanks for sharing your story.
3
“Children who lose parents are orphans; bereaved spouses are widows. But what do you call parents who lose children? It seems telling to me there is no word in our language for our situation. It is unspeakable...."
This is not the first time I have heard this idea expressed, but the truth is that there is no word for a parent who loses a child, not because is it unspeakable, but because it was once so common that the word was just...parent. Take a stroll through a Colonial-era cemetery, see how many parents lost children, think about how sad it must have been for them in spite of how commonplace it was, and consider how fortunate we are that the loss of a child has become rare. (No consolation to Jayson and Stacy Greene, nor to Stacy's mother, of course.)
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@YMHahn Look at the death dates for children in those old cemeteries. Many are within days of each other, thanks to viciously contagious childhood diseases we've been vaccinating against during the past 100 years.
Thanks to basic human idiocy, those deadly diseases are roaring back.
Anti-vaxx parents are betting their children's lives on disproved "science." I wonder what our ancestors who lost children to diptheria, measles, polio and whooping cough would tell them.
The vast majority of human tragedies are directly caused by two conditions that can't be cured: stupidity and gullibility.
15
Dear Mr and Mrs Greene, I live on the UWS, around the corner from where the accident happened. For months, I could not walk past that building. I wondered how you both were doing. I was just so sad for you both and precious Greta and her grandmother. I wish you all well in your life journey with your son. My prayers are for Greta and for your family. xox
259
Jayson Greene's own essay last week in the NYTimes -
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/13/books/review/once-more-we-saw-stars-jayson-greene.html
The same day, the NYTimes published a piece by a woman who lost her older sister -
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/03/style/modern-love-sister-vanished.html?searchResultPosition=9
Reading both is a haunting reminder of our fragility and helplessness.
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@C: Yes... but also our resilience, I hope.
4
That first link is to this book review.
3
Despite the worst opening sentence in the history of book reviews -- "Tragedy is tricky" (egad, it is many things, but tricky is not one of them) -- I believe this is a book to be read, and will go out and buy it.
36
I have had several and yes, indeed, they were tricky.
3
The headline should read either --
"Mourning the Death of a Child . . . "
or
"Grieving for the Death of a Child . . ."
Words matter, NYT.
20
@doodles5
The title's usage--"grieving" without "for"--is perfectly acceptable. See the usage example in Merriam Webster:
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/grieve
See also Oxford, definition 2:
https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/us/definition/english/grieve
9
@SNB
It grieves my heart to see this backsliding in usage.
@doodles5
It grieves mine that this is your biggest takeaway from this.
6
"I will look for you wherever I go.”
I sincerely believe you will see her again, Mr. Greene.
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Every time I read about this tragedy my heart breaks all over again for this family.
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