Elite schools are overrated. My oldest son went to State University (Binghamton) and also got his Masters there and is extremely successful. He has a great job and the beauty of it is that I was able to pay most of his tuition because State school is a great bargain and he has little student debt as a result. Ivy League and big name schools are not worth the money. They really aren’t.
72
this kid is suffering from Grouch Marx syndrome: she wouldn't dream of being a student at any school that would admit her. the sage advice on offer is not what she needs to hear because she has heard too much already, at school, at home, and in her peer group. she needs the straight skinny: most of the friends she is jealous of now will not be able to finish at the schools they've been admitted to; the first couple of years are pretty much the same lame requirements at any school and can often be accomplished more cheaply and at better advantage at lesser prestige mills; yes, it's important to make connections at school, but no, they don't have to be in the first, sorting-out years; later, nobody will know where you started, only where you graduated (if you make it that far), so if you apply yourself, you can apply later as a tranfer and probably save a wad of dough in the process, as well as potentially gaining the self-confidence you so obviously need... and without which you would be doomed to failure in the pressure-cooker environment of a highly slective academy. take a couple of years, get the requirements out of the way, find yourself a little and don't let yourself be so determined by others. plus, wherever you wind up, you may meet the love of your life or discover a new, abiding, lifelong passion. carpe diem!
39
The actual education you get at a community college is often better than that at a four year.
40
@Bompa usually
8
My piano students, for over 40 years, have been asking me "how long before I am good", "or as good as so-and-so."
Wherever you are, there will always be people ahead of you and people behind you. If you see life as a ladder, there will always be people higher and people lower. Once you can accept where you are and who you are, stop caring about others' achievments, you will be able to see life as your own personal jouney, and grow. It doesn't matter where you go to school, but what you make of it.
55
Education is mainly what YOU put into it. A person can learn on their own if motivated. Some attend college as a social club. If you really want to learn then apply yourself to each course you take. Active interest will make the learning experience fun.
27
Gently,
If ALL the colleges you wanted to go to rejected you, perhaps you weren’t qualified to go to them. And guess what, so what? Maybe you erred in applying to them instead of some others. Maybe you need some personal work. Maybe - if you’re really more worried about what your peers think of you than YOUR future - you’re not actually ready for college. (Frankly, most freshman aren’t.)
Maybe take a year off and live in the real world and take stock. Maybe volunteer somewhere, to get some perspective? If your friends judge you for this, I’m sure you can find new friends.
61
"Your letter raises so many issues"
The only issue this letter raised for me (other than, is this a hoax?) is what is this letter doing in an ethics column?
If it ended with: "My best friend got into one of the colleges I wanted. Would it be ethical to kill him if I thought that would increase my chances to get admitted there?", yeah, then I could see why it's here. Otherwise, no.
18
@Jerome Perhaps the ethics involved is, "is it ethical for someone who had the money to apply to more than one college to whine about their failure to win the gamble?"
8
i was reading the questions of questions which reminded me of a friend's experience. My friend was in some discussion giving his opinion on a variety of subjects. One of the listener felt my friend was too full of himself. The listener asked the question, "If you are so smart, why aren't you rich?" My friend answered, "I am, I am." Good retort.
4
I was so very impressed by the emphasis in your response on being one's best, not being the best in relation to others. I am a parent of college-aged kids, and I know firsthand how soul-killing this whole process can seem. You did right by this young person, and I hope your wisdom is heeded.
84
I am an immigrant, I struggled in school and was made to feel less-than because I have an accent. Writing in English was difficult for me, and I didn’t do well on SAT. At some point I hated my own culture and devalued my own experience because, in my mind, they’re the reason kids were being mean to me. Although I worked very hard and graduated high school with honors, I didn’t apply to four-year universities and attended my local community college. I faced every challenge with fear, but was determined to overcome. I graduated at the top of my class, and transferred to my state’s university. There, I couldn’t make many friends because I felt inferior to them - most classmates didn’t have accents and fit-in perfectly. Although my professors loved and supported me immensely, I continued to struggle internally. Although I graduated with honors, that feeling of inferiority didn’t leave me. Quickly after graduation, I started working full-time. In the real world I saw the value of my uniqueness - bilingual, multicultural, global person. In 2017, I applied to my “dream” grad school and was rejected. I felt terrible for months, and didn’t believe that I was good enough. I refused to give up on myself, and in 2018 I applied to top three Ivy universities. I got into all of them!
My point is, no matter what people think of you, your journey is unique. Even if you don’t feel “successful” now, you have to trust that life has better plans for you. Stay true to yourself, you’ll get there.
141
@Mouhanad Al Thank you for telling your inspirational story.
22
Professor Appiah makes some useful observations, offers sound advice, coins a remarkably apt, insightful saying ("If acceptance from an elite college is hard, self-acceptance can be harder.") and neglects the most important aspect of an ethical perspective on one's college experience.
One can make a great education for oneself at many, many institutions whether they are renowned or great (not the same things). The ethical question before this student is,"How do I get a good education: How will I get from my education the knowledge, skills, habits of mind, experiences and relationships, etc. that I value?" It is the same question before all college students and one rarely asked.
Professor Appiah unwittingly misrepresents how one gets a meaningful, transformative education and actually reinforces the basic assumption this student is working from: that the individual has a relatively small impact on one's own college education. He writes, "If you do the work, make friends... you will come away from college enriched..." Lots of evidence suggests that with this passive approach you'll "come away" with no such thing, but rather merely a transcript and degree. Seizing the day involves being far more purposeful and engaged.
Another gap in his approach is to to overly simplistically brush off the association between self-worth and competition with others. Saying you'll be in trouble if make this association in no practical way helps students break this widely held association.
9
continued....
One excellent comment suggested celebrating happily with friends, and keeping her dashed hopes mostly to herself. In that vein, if she were my daughter, I’d take this situation as a big teaching moment, focus on the feelings that have come up (leaving a discussion about the application inflation business for another time). I’d ask if she feels humiliated, sad, angry, worried, despairing, envious, frightened, or something else. I’d ask her how strong her friendships are, what she values most in them. I’d help her to name her feelings, accept them, and find how she can be true to herself and her innermost feelings, and be a good, supportive and kind friend.
I’d want to help her do the right thing – find her conscience and live up to it. That would give her some solace. Time and experience in the world would give her more. She might find in the process that some friends need to explore their feelings about their acceptances too, which may not all be positive. I’d talk about the difference between coping with sad and painful feelings as they arise and the harm of going back repeatedly to suffer again. This latter point is especially important for a young person to think about. We all lick our wounds, but they have to heal in their own time. I’d want her to go deeper into herself and be as kind to herself as she wants to be to others, and let herself heal.
14
I want to Cal State Northridge, a poor cousin to UCLA at least when I was there 40 years ago. Recently I thought about the most “successful” people I know from there and realized that those that have achieved the highest financial success came from wealthy families. Those of us that aren’t as successful (and even we’re probably in the top 20 percentile) came from more traditionally middle class families.
So your college education is an advantage
4
I’ve read ALL comments, and many are helpful to me (65 yo) about dealing with adversities. Some comments, asking why this letter should be in this column, and Appiah’s answer, made me consider how this letter brings up questions pertaining to ethics.
We look to ethics among other things as a way to comport ourselves in the world honorably and morally, with consideration for the feelings of others and ourselves. It seems to me that this is the central dilemma the LW poses. Most comments give good practical advice and encouragement, and I bet she’s taking notes and when the time comes to chart a new course, they’ll help her. But right now, she feels really bad, and she needs someone – and today it’s many of us – to witness and accept that she feels bad. This is not self-indulgent - it is self-exploration.
15
the basic ethics issue is why has our society done so wrong by its young people that they're having such angst about what college they're admited to or not, about their intrinsic value as people, and about whether a single letter they receive around age 17 defines their lives ever after. in my own youth, there was indeed such a letter, which always began: "Greetings" and did not have to do with prestige but actual life or death, possibly your own, and being trained to become a murderer against your will.
16
Mr. Appiah makes very good points. I would go to the good state school, close to home, where you will have familial support and at least familiarity with your landscape and environment.
The important thing is staying in the educational system and just being in school for education. As Spencer Tracy once said, "Screw all those people". . . who are in honours and other programs. Get your own education at this state school and you can go on from there. Your "problem" looks immense to you right now, but believe me, in the long run of your life, it does not mean or amount to anything. Where we went to collitch, how "smart" we are, and a lot of other stuff does not really mean anything over the longer term course of our lives. Collitch has little to no bearing on the decades of years of your life that come after collitch. You will get the majority of your education in the real world of work.
As long as you can hold a job, make and SAVE money and invest your money as an adult you will be alright. All that matters in the "adult world" is paying your bills and paying them on time and saving enough money to cover your burial expenses.
10
You can always transfer! I got rejected by every school I applied to (15!) and got into my one safety school. I went, had a terrible freshman year but got straight As and developed my interests, applied to transfer and got in to Columbia, from which I had been rejected just a few months earlier! Transferring is the key to where you ultimately do see yourself. You can always apply again. This rejection does not define your college degree. Keep going!!
49
Great advice. Go to a community college or the best school you can get into and afford. Take the hardest courses (usually STEM), make an effort to get to know your professors personally, find some related volunteer or part time position and make connections who can write references for you. With high grades and good references a better school will accept you as a transfer student. I know students who got into Ivy medical schools who started their post high school education just this way. And you'll gain an interesting perspective on the world from getting out of your comfortable bubble of high school friends.
18
How can we turn this excellent column into advice for next year's seniors?
1. Make sure you really like your safety school. Most students simply pick the nearest state or private school.
2. Understand that if you go to dear old state u, you will probably celebrate paying off you loan much sooner than your classmates.
3. Most school bring back last year's seniors in January to talk to this year's seniors. We should actually be bringing back seniors from five or six years ago.
4. Change guidance councilors if you have to. Or use a teacher in the subject area you are interested to be your shadow councillor. We are honored to be asked.
5. If you go to a lesser school (what ever that means) you have the opportunity to be the big fish in a small pond. The leadership opportunities that will therefore come your way will be invaluable.
22
@Ken
By, "you have the opportunity to be the big fish in a small pond." that would continuing to compare yourself to others but in a context where you think the comparison will be favorable to you and your sense of worth. I don't think that is a wise strategy for either sustaining a sense of worth or achievement.
5
I'm not saying to make it a deliberate strategy, my comment was more along the lines if the college selection process deals you lemons, make lemonade.
4
I went to an elite liberal arts college, was overwhelmed by the academics, the social scene and generally not ready for school. I performed marginally in my English Major.
Five years later, I went back to do premed at the University of Maine , after working a bit a a low level job- where i got a better hang of life , got married and had a daughter. I went to school part time, and got infinitely more mentoring and encouragement at this “lower level school” I never would have got into med school from my first school, it was too intense.
You may do better at the schools you were accepted at.and there is no rule you can’t more up to the honors program if you achieve.
Life is all about not always being at the top, and dealing with things the best we can when we may have no sense of control.
My father used to interview for an elite ivy. They used to look for a “ happy bottom quarter” Those that could handle being not on the top under intense competition. Better to do better at less prestigious school, and,God forbid, to be happier!
Don’t let the schools to which you were not accepted control you!
18
Alas, young scholar, your situation illustrates basic human nature and shows why we are familiar with the German word “schadenfreude" and not with the German word for “taking pleasure in another’s good fortune while being miserable ourselves” - if there even is such a word, which I suspect there is not. It is painful, but try to be happy for your friends, who have signed up for a program that pretty much guarantees they will not use college as an opportunity to explore and take risks because they will be too focused on maintaining the grades to stay in the program.
And as to where you go from here, you go forward. What do we say to the god of Death-by-College-Rejection - not today!
11
We live in an age that is flirting, again, with violating the social contract of John Locke and opting instead for the Hobbesian world - "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short". The writer seems drawn to that view. The tone is of self-interest. The writer seems to believe he or she has been treated unfairly or out-rightly cheated. Is this because the writer has not followed a path that fits Eliot's view of what is expected of us? Along the road to perdition there are innumerable exits that lead to a productive human experience. In these times, the writer, along with any number of our leaders, would do well to take one of those exits soon.
4
The one word of advice I have for this student is: trust your gut feeling about the state school. Don't go there, take a gap year if need be and re-apply. If you do go, you will almost certainly have a miserable experience.
4
Take it as a challenge to work harder if the schools you thought you wanted don’t want you. You were rejected for a reason. Figure out what that was.
5
My first post high goal school was to be a ski bum; after that, to continue doing whatever I loved- which came to mean volunteering and human services. Eventually it got me into the #2 school for social work and a career I love.
8
Sounds more like the kid should take a gap year, or serve in the military and isn't quite ready for university.
7
Good news and bad news for this student. Good news is IT DOES NOT MATTER WHERE YOU GO TO COLLEGE. I was a physician. In one group we had individuals who went to state schools, MIT, and Harvard. We all got paid exactly the same. The status associated with particular schools is rubbish.
The bad news is, this assumption that a "perfect life" is determined by college admissions is the first of many falsehoods you will encounter in our culture as you mature. A questioning mind is essential to figure out reality from spin. Good luck!
22
I have not read all the comments, but the ones I have read all seem to suggest the student go to the state school with the aim of getting out ASAP.
This reinforces the idea that you will be a nobody if you do not attend a top tier school.
There sure are a lot of nobodies doing just fine in this world.
8
Dear Name Withheld: You are not entitled to get everything or even anything you want. If your parent(s) did not teach you this growing up then it is definitely time to learn this very important lesson. You should always have a Plan B and C and D because Plan A is not guaranteed. Neither are Plan B and C and D. Get over it and move on.
9
@Patty deVille
From "A Chorus Line":
"You can always go to plan B."
"There is no plan B."
"Why?"
"Cuz, if there is a plan B, you'll go to it."
1
seemed a bit heartless quoting literature and parables to a kid who couldn't get into her chosen colleges.
How about this: go to a community college for the first year and excel. Or take a gap year and volunteer for something big and do a good job.
Once you get the idea that you can succeed, then reapply to four-year schools. I bet your chances will have improved.
5
One advantage of an in-state school will be a likely lower load of debt after graduation. You must stop comparing yourself to others. If you want to shine, go to a school to which you were accepted and work hard in class and in outside activities. You will gain self confidence backed by real life experience which is a quality that will do you well throughout your personal and professional life post graduation.
5
Is there an ethical issue presented here? Or is this a general advice column now?
I suggest a psychologist or other manner of counselor is warranted.
Whether or not to internally feel happy about others’ good fortune is not an ethical issue.
3
@William W. Billy
The question you raise is, indeed, an ethical issue--though I agree with you that Professor Appiah in this and other columns strays from an ethical framework, sometimes resulting in what read like self-help columns.
As Professor Appriah writes, "classical" ethics addresses how to "make a life go well", how to live a good life. Feeling bad about oneself and having negative feelings about others is an obstacle to living well. Tying one's self-worth to being better than others is likely to lead to such feelings given that we won't always be or feel superior to others in all, if any, dimensions.
Classically, ethicists have been--and they can continue to be--counselors on the topic of how to flourish and live a good life. A dose of the stoics might have been equally apt in his response and more clearly signaled and ethical approach to this student's problems with how to live well in the face of pain and adversity.
1
To the letter writer: You are suffering but not due to the facts of your situation but rather due to some story you have made up about what these facts mean
You should instead tell yourself that you are very fortunate to have the opportunity to continue your education, which not everyone has, and that if you were to only apply yourself, there is no reason for you not to have a brilliant future.
8
If the student goes to the state school, and then the student's future plans don't work out as well as hoped, it will be easy to [mistakenly] assign the blame to the state school, rather than to the student's failure to take advantage of the wealth of opportunities available at any of the well-regarded state schools.
If the rejections remain a huge problem for the student, then I would recommend taking a Gap Year, and trying to excel at some other activities, perhaps online courses, an internship, and/or some contribution to society. Then the student can reapply to the "stretch" schools with the added knowledge and experience that could yield one or more acceptances, with the state school still available as a fallback.
4
At 62, with retirement down the road, and a successful career, I empathize with the writer. In high school, I was the disorganized, learning disabled, ADD underachiever. My friends were honors students; I maintained a strong "C" average. They all ended up at Ivy League schools. I struggled at the State university, almost flunking Math 105 three times (the instructor gave me a "D", knowing if I failed a third time, I'd be kicked out of college). But somehow I decided to go to graduate school, and had to prove my ability by taking courses before acceptance. And then the Ph.D. program - harder because of my fear of statistics. And now, at the end of my career, I see school as the smaller, more rigid part of my learning experience. I have done research, published manuscripts, provided peer review to others, and am a peer to Epidemiologists in my field. And I watched my accomplished daughter have similar struggles.
My daughter applied with her two best friends. Their plan was to all move together, attend the State University and live together. She's the one who didn't get accepted. She decided to move with them and attend the community college. In comparing experiences, the community college ended up being the better decision. Smaller classes taught by people working in the field - no TA's. She graduated, while her friends struggled and dropped out. She got her Masters, and is now establishing a great career. Hurdles are not the end - this is the beginning.
54
@Lesa DG Thanks for the tribute to community colleges. I'm biased, as I taught at one but it is indeed true that we were promoted for our ability to teach, not for our ability to publish. I think people better themselves at work for which they're rewarded.
11
I'm reminded of the end of "Portnoy's Complaint," where the psychiatrist who patiently endured the autobiographical tale that takes up all the proceeding pages says, (roughly), "OK, now are we ready to begin?"
I would ask the student if he/she preferred to enlist in the Armed Forces rather than enroll in any of the colleges that accepted him/her...and take it from there.
There's nothing like a splash of cold water to bring people to their senses and back from a daydream.
7
I attended a huge NY State University upstate. It was my last choice, but my family could afford it and I wasn't accepted where I really wanted to go. I went, knowing that college was a chance to re-invent myself from an awkward teen to a more mature and self-confident woman. I walked into my dorm room and in a class of 10,000 I was paired with a woman from my High School graduating class. And thus began my college career.
SO...if I had it to do it again, I'd take a gap year. Or try volunteering or working. Work on finding yourself in places other than college. Who knows what you'll find...and what you may wind up studying.
10
What a beautifully written, profound wise, and compassionate response to this young man. Kudos!
13
@Susan
funny, i assumed it was a girl.
2
If his college options aren't appealing, why not join the military or take some vocational training to take time to figure out what is next. College isn't for everyone.
3
I find the wisdom of Mr. Appiah's advice to be of much greater value than any college decision. The most important goals in life will be internal, not financial. Learning to be a better person is so much more difficult than any degree he will find at an elite college. It's why those who have had the greatest impact on my life were so very seldom "successful".
4
Perhaps the author of the letter should take a breath and reconsider another option for the year after high school. There are a multitude of "gap year" programs. Many are with nongovernmental organizations here in the US and abroad. Such an experience could offer two benefits to the author: (1) he/she would be a more interesting candidate for admission in the following year; and (2) giving him/her space from the college acceptance issue and allow a fresh perspective on life.
14
@CLM in Cleveland
So many professors I know think that a gap year should be required for a year of maturity. Reality is a wonderful teacher and motivator. Most high school kids need a year of development to know what they want out of college.
8
The writer of the letter can also transfer to another college if they feel the need to do so. Of course, that means trying to put themselves in a position to transfer by working hard freshman year. There is nothing stopping them from going for this.
7
Thank you, Professor Appiah. This is excellent advice, which I am passing along to my college freshman and my high school sophomore.
3
There are usually solid reasons for rejection to universities and colleges. My son applied to (5) private and (5) public institutions. He was accepted at (4) privates and just (1) public. Why? The publics had way more applications and formal goals to get their desired mix. The Privates had a lot fewer applications, lower acceptance rates as a rule and not so many rules about mix of students.
1
The one option you forgot to mention is the magic word: TRANSFER. I went to a fabulous state school too far from home and then transferred to a closer-to-home, private university I never would have been accepted to right out of high school--and with a transfer scholarship to boot!
16
Most people succeed because of who they are, not where they went to college. I feel for young people who put so much pressure on something that for most, will very quickly become a rarely referenced foot-note in their life. The good news is that the chances they will survive this are pretty high.
17
It should also be emphasized that the college application process is highly flawed. My son also got a lot of rejections from his top schools. While he has an A average from a top high school, he also is from an affluent school district where nearly everyone applies to the top schools. But he didn't have all the extracurricular activities that some had (he just wasn't interested in those things) and the reality is that the top schools are only going to take a choice few from this area in order to have diversity in their student population (something I agree with). And the SAT/ACTs are a horribly imperfect tool for classifying students. The common app. leaves little room for distinguishing oneself. And after all was said and done, we realized he should have applied to more schools in order to improve his chances of getting into at least one of them. So, you have to make the best of what you've got and, as others have said, look at the transfer option after freshman year. Plenty of students get in through that route.
9
The author is correct in all his observations. He leaves out one important alternative. That is to work hard freshman year, do the best you can and attempt to transfer for sophomore year to one of the schools that rejected you. Statically, it’s a less competitive situation than entering as a freshman.
10
At the risk of sounding a bit too cynical, am I the only one who read the question and wondered if it was really written by an 18 year old? I think the Q&A is valid, especially after getting two kids into college and having both transfer to second colleges.
But after many years of working at a college, and closely with students, I thought the language in the letter sounded more like how an adult would write. The phrasing, the choice of words, even the punctuation all sounded more "sophisticated" than I would have expected from an 18 year old.
It could be that the letters get heavily or at least carefully edited for submission. Or it could be that this is a seriously topical and timely post -- it's valid and important and I concur with the overwhelming drama that is tied to college decision-making -- and in order to get it out there with a thoughtful response, the letter needed to be drafted as well.
7
@DBW I didn’t find that at all. There are many bright and thoughtful high-school students that I know who could have written this letter- and not all of them went to Ivy and similar universities. But even if it is a composite, the response wonderfully addresses the broadest aspects of what constitutes a meaningful life.
3
@DBW University professor here also. I had the same reaction. I don't doubt that an 18-yr old *could* write this letter, yet it doesn't quite sound like any of the incoming first-year students whom I have taught at 2 R1 universities.
1
It sounds exactly like a full-of-himself high school senior who knows lots of big words but has little life experience or perspective on himself. Like me 35 years ago.
1
Beautifully answered. I wish I had someone to tell me this when I was young and starting life, it would have made a difference.
33
This student can attend the college he or she considers the best option now, and reapply to the preferred schools next year. Many students drop out after freshman year, leaving openings. And this summer will provide a respite to develop a more hopeful attitude about the future.
15
I'm most impressed how people in the U.S. still gather some sort of fame by the university they went to. Yet here in Europe, no one ever bothers to ask. Meaningless detail.
I went to a state school in CA with some extremely smart people who got straight A's (I managed the alphabet). Some time after graduation, the uni asked where people got jobs, their job titles and salaries. I was the only one who committed extra time to do an MSc. so by some odd measure of competence, one might hazard the extra year delayed my earnings potential vs. my peers. I found the results by chance whilst visiting the campus. The salary range was $25-62k. From the companies mentioned, I could hazard a guess the 3rd highest salary was earned by the top graduate, grades-wise. The top salary? Me.
5
@slo007
I went to a university in Europe as opposed to college in the US. I had a co-worker who had gone to college in the US and was so insecure of herself that she added "University" at the end of the name of her college.
Sad....
My son was rejected from the college he really wanted to attend. He was heartbroken and his self esteem declined. He ultimately went to a different school which provided him excellent academic opportunities for research. A lot of hard work and years later he was offered (and took) a position as a professor at the self same school that rejected him years earlier.
Hang in there, pick a school and make a go of it. Write back in ten years or so And let us know how it turned out.
32
As someone who failed to get into several choice colleges, I approached college with renewed vigor to prove to myself that I was better than what I was on paper to the admissions committees. I studied hard and did not look at my “failures”. I didn’t look to my left or right, only internally. Getting caught up in this society (here’s looking at you social media) by belittling yourself while looking at others just isn’t healthy.
I graduated from a “lesser” UC without a grade less than an A- in a science major and became a physician.
Focus on yourself. Work hard. Be honest. Add a little luck. And, you will achieve.
33
Good things happen every day, just not always to us. Celebrate the good that happens to your friends and every day, you’ll find something to celebrate. Don’t look in front of you to see how many people are ahead of you, look behind and see how many you have had the fortune of rising above. Be grateful for that— every single day.
16
Also, please remember that your current classmates who are also going to the good state school that you were accepted into will not, most likely, be the ones you will hang out with. You will grow new friendships which are often stronger and more long lasting than your hs ones. Stop comparing yourself to others. Let your unique light shine for all to see! Walk tall & proud for you have special gifts to give and gifts yet unknown to receive.
15
The Ethicist’s somewhat convoluted response contains many nuggets of wisdom, but when you’re feeling like this young woman is feeling, I’m not sure “this won’t matter when you’re older” is that helpful. Nowhere is it suggested that this is really tough stuff and maybe first she needs to have the time and space to mourn the loss of her dreams.
21
@Barb Cone S/he do not lose their dreams! This over-hyping of the college lottery stakes is the root of this person’s anxiety.
1
Colin Powell, General and Secretary of State, graduated from City College of New York. Cream rises. Make the most of your educational experience wherever you go. And, no, you were NOT rejected from all the schools you applied to.
18
@Brigid McAvey
I'm not sure I'd hold Gen. Powell up as a shining example. Supposebly by being chastened by their experiences in losing the Vietnam excursion, he and Stormin Norman didn't do any better in Iran.
Of course having Bushman 43 as POTUS and Darth Vader Cheney pulling the puppet strings was no help either. But I think Powell will be looked at by history as a so-so general and diplomat.
1
@Brigid McAvey At the time Colin Powell attended CUNY it was a top school, very selective and tough to get into. Things have changed since then but your take on his attending CUNY does not reflect what it was when he was admitted.
6
The idea that one must attend a "name" school in order to find self-satisfaction is a total myth. Choose the school that matches your own personal situation and then embrace its offerings whole-heartedly. The world is full of interesting people - rich and poor, smart and searching, boring and amazing. It's the human condition. Join the party and make the best of it!
14
I will always remember a comment made by my freshman humanities professor - who was also head of the Honors College, "If you learn to understand people, it will be more useful than anything else you learn in this university." Look around. He had a point. You can do that anywhere.
18
I am reaching through cyberspace and giving you the hug you just gave this student. Thank you for taking his/her concerns so seriously, and for offering such wisdom.
15
I admire professor Appiah's thoughtfulness, but think this young person simply needs to grow up. It is sad to see such ego and selfishness. My counsel would be to enlist in the military (which includes the US Coast Guard if our young friend is a pacifist). Assuming she or he has enough character to finish the enlistment, they would be coveted as veterans by many fine schools.
9
I have to wonder if he has helicopter parents who set him up for this?
1
Eons ago - I am now 78 - I was accepted at my home town engineering university as a patriotic duty in the age of Sputnik. Totally outclassed I ended up nurtured by a liberal arts oriented business and economics faculty within that university that not only showed me my future career path as an educator but my dual devotion to this and health and human service organizations as well as assisting young people like myself from first college or university families. My subject it turned out was always the same: independent unbiased ethical decision-making. You never know where a path will lead you once begun.
10
The most powerful force during a college education is created by fellow students. So, sure, if your chosen field thrives most with top scholars, well not getting into the four year college of choice signals it is time to go where you can and make sure you learn enough to go to a fine graduate school. At every undergraduate school there are students who focus on professional development and those who just take course for fun or easy grades or parent pleasing. The former make great friends, mentors, lifelong associates. The students who do not take advantage of the learning experience, get in on a record of high test scores and finish with a record of random good grades, these students seldom get their money and time and effort rewarded. It is not where you go, but how you perform once you get there. Below all this is the person who goes to college not to be embarrassed. Get over that now. If you are now rejected by the majority of ivy schools, well, you may well not yet be ready for them. Find a guidance counselor who cares and knows how this works. Make a plan to improve if your goal remains. Graduate schools are the critical place where better schools lead to better careers. If you do not qualify, it is unlikely you will find it easy to complete the course of study.
3
As adults, a few of us were jumping on a trampoline, when one of us shouted out that we had to synchronize our jumps to attain the highest heights. This is life. To attain one’s utmost potential, the synchronization with the surrounding people and atmosphere must be present. I am 43 years old, and I can tell you that the places I have achieved the most and gained the most skills have not been in the most prestigious places (or even the places I originally wanted to be in), but in the places where I synchronized the most with the atmosphere. Give yourself every opportunity to make the most out of your college experience. If things don’t work out, you can always transfer. Onward you go. Good luck!
20
I tutor students from some of the wealthiest families in Los Angeles and have had success with it over the years because given enough time I can convince just about anybody's kid to quit smoking pot long enough to study for the SAT.
Five years ago, my young niece decided that rather than attending a more "elite" school, she wanted to attend a public university in her state. She did a degree in Computer Science, and was one of eight girls out of 164 students graduating that term with a CS degree. She graduated at 23 and landed her first job making $75,000 a year.
Though how much you make (or what you drive or where you live or where you went to school) reveals NOTHING about what really matters in life, it is telling that she makes more money than most of the kids I've tutored who graduated from elites with their English or Communication degrees.
17
Such great advice, Mr. Appiah. Thanks. As a professor for thirty years at two excellent and selective liberal arts institutions, I can tell your LW that I have seen many students with high college boards, good grades, etc. who weren't able to make it past sophomore year because they couldn't be themselves, their true selves, their best selves. They were following their parents' plans or what they thought would make them rich or prestigious or cool. They didn't use college to explore and find out who they were or what they wanted
12
My sister was in almost exactly your position;she ended up getting into only one school, a state school (and not a great one at that). She went the first year, thinking she'd either quit or figure something else out. And she didn't enjoy her first year. But she worked hard, and by the second year, she was accepted into the Honors program, where she finished out her B.A. She ended up going to an Ivy League school to get a graduate degree, which led her to a really great (and prestigious) job that she loved.
My point is that this is one step in a very long journey. You have no idea where you will end up, but you won't go anywhere if you don't make the most of what you have right now. Start with the state school. Work hard. Get into the Honors program. Later on, you can transfer to a school you like better, or plan to apply to a more prestigious graduate program (because most jobs only look at your highest degree). These are all avenues that can be worked. And honestly, it will most likely all pan out in the end no matter what you do with your life. You'll be working with some people who went to Ivy League-caliber schools, others who went to less rigorous schools, but all of you will be in the same place. At the end, who cares where you went, so long as you get somewhere good?
26
Beautifully written and several thoughts linger, including this one: "The more you come into your own, the less significant such borrowed glory becomes." Maybe ... because I am long past college days, have lived a happy and successful life and one thing I have noticed is that anyone I have ever met, no matter how old, successful or not, who attended Harvard or Yale, always lets you know they went to Harvard or Yale. They are still living on borrowed glory. I always wonder why they still need to mention that, long after their college days are over.
28
@WV For me , it only comes up unasked in discussions of the very happiest times of my life. Many of us felt very fortunate ( my parents didn’t go to college) and loved that place and time. I agree that it is just one piece- yet still a piece- of a long life .Congratulations on your long, happy and satisfying one.
@WV My experience too - within the first conversation, Harvard and Yale grads mention where they went to school.
2
This column gives very good advice of several sorts. Use it.
If the high school senior had not wanted to go to the state university, he or she would not have applied. Not in the honors program? Work hard (starting now, even before you leave high school) and within a year of entering college you will be. If you choose not to work so hard, enjoy your choice!
6
My advice would be to go out into the work world for a short time and get a sense of how little these upsets matter in life. Take a gap year or longer and mature. Academics will be the focus of your concern then, not social acceptance by your peers.
18
Student, I attended a fairly elite college that I was very ill-suited for. It took me a long time to overcome the needless sense of deficiency and anger I was left with. The Ethicist is wise with this advice; take first the measure of yourself and then the measure of the opportunities you have available and grow from there.
26
When I was applying to college, my parents set some ground rules: you are the oldest of 5 children, pick a public college, not a private school. You are too young to go away to school (I was 16), at least the first year you will live at home.
So I applied and was accepted to a branch of a state university across town from where we lived, with the thought that I could transfer later on.
The school proved to be the right one for me. I did leave home...to move into the dorms at my school across town! And I got to take a wide range of courses from committed teachers, do a ton of extracurriculars, participate on a varsity team, and do it without acquiring any student loan debt. (This was back in the 20th century, when you could go to a state school for $1400 a year.)
I have sometimes thought of what my life might have been like had I insisted on trying for a higher level/Ivy League school, and perhaps cobbling some kind of financial aid together. I envy the networking, but I've made my own networks.
I've always been proud to be an alumna of my school, and over the years, they've had me speak at events, talk to and recognized me in school publications. I heartily recommend my alma mater to my friends' children who are looking at colleges (and as an alumna, I can get them fee-free applications.)
My school is now well-known for its academics, but the alums can also rejoice that our men's hoops team delivered the greatest upset in NCAA tournament history.
Underdogs often win.
18
@Kathleen Warnock Just as a point of fact, you would have not have had to cobble anything together. Had you been admitted, you would have had a completely free ride with a family income of less than 60K or so , including jr year abroad and summer internship opportunities .And a sliding scale after that. These schools aren’t right for everyone, but it’s a common misconception that they are unaffordable. It’s cheaper to go to Harvard than to go to UMass for a working- class student.
3
This letter and advice should be mandatory reading for all high school seniors.
19
Go to the good state school near home. Your future financial health will thank you.
20
A wonderful reply and more power to the student.
12
Appiah is just fabulous! I'm so very pleased that he took over as the NYT Ethicist.
In a small coffee shop on the Red Line in Taipei, I found one of his books on a shelf for free reading. I bought a copy, which I very much enjoyed reading (about identity) and only then discovered he had become the NYT Ethicist.
And, just to be relevant, if I should appear before a heavenly court, I can be sure they WON'T ask me why I wasn't Joschka because I so totally have been me all my life. No regrets over that, but this article was very touching for me.
13
It is a hard thing to realize that you are, in fact, average. It doesn’t mean you won’t be an interesting, well-rounded, even successful person. You won’t get there by comparing yourself to other people, though.
12
How is the an ethical problem?
3
Because, as Dr. Appiah says, ethics isn't really about following rules. It's about how to live life well. This student believes he has been permanently, and perhaps correctly diminished by his/her experience of rejection, and that the rest of her/his life will be second rate -- and, more important, that s/he has no good options. The ethical problem is how to live so that this experience helps him/her create a better life.
5
As Appiah explains within the answer "ethics, in its classical sense, concerns itself with what makes a life go well."
3
Please do not beat yourself up. I knew a lawyer who once said that three years after graduation nobody is going to care where you went to school. It’s performance on the job. I’ve seen Harvard Law grads sink like a stone, while so-called “bottom tier” law grads left them in the dust. So much for Harvard’s acceptance paradigm!!
10
@ANNW
I agree by and large with the sentiment you express here.
Now if only the Supreme Court would have a judge or 2 that did nor attend a Ivy League law school! And Yale or Harvard specifically!
The next presidential candidate should promise a justice who did not attend a Ivy League law school.
3
I’ve never understand treating applying to university like a shopping trip to the mall. How many applications?
I told my three that I’d pay the amount of tuition the good state school charges and if they wanted to play the game they could, and borrow any more. They all choose local. Didnt get all wrapped up in it either. So relax. There’s a place for you. Not always what you think, but that’s life.
As for honors, it had two advantages. You got to avoid freshman English, a hated class, and live in the honors dorm. My youngest did that for the first year instead of the old rickety dorm that u of Michigan stuffed all the Jewish kids into. You know no Christian should ever share a room with a Jew, unless it was honors. Sophomore year he moved into an apartment and that was that.
None of this matters in the semi long term . People move, change majors, and find new friends. It will be alright. Take the school that wants you. And if it doesn’t jell, transfer. It’s part of growing up.
1
For many young people the non-acceptance by your college application choices can be the first big rejection in life. Take some comfort in knowing many students feel just as you are feeling this summer before college.
I agree with those who said mourning the loss of what you hoped for is appropriate. So is lying a bit low as you process your feelings in the light of your friends’ celebrations.
Truly, in today’s college process you may check every box and still be the one who didn’t get accepted to the prestigious schools. You can analyze from every angle that applicant who got into Brown but you knew was not a stellar student or even “passionate” about anything, but it just won’t make sense. Because, it isn’t really logical at all. Some of it is just luck. You’ll need to congratulate him and see his Instagram posts for the next four years and then hear about his great job down the road, too. It.can.burn!
BUT, there is a bright future out there for you that will only make sense looking back. You have nothing to be ashamed of and if you have your health and your youth and some resilience you will write your own success story. In fact, you may end up in graduate school at one of those universities some day and realize your undergraduate experience was exactly what you needed to thrive. Or, you may realize you want to major in something you never even considered before. You might even meet your life partner at Plan B college!
Onward! published NYTs writer!
7
Hard to imagine now, but 10 years from now, you will look back on this difficult time as a gift. The way that you manage and handle this will teach you so much about yourself and others and life in general. So when other, inevitable disapointments happen to you later in life, you will face them with a strength and maturity that can only come from experience.
And for what it's worth, don't take a gap year, as some have suggested. It sounds to me like you are more than ready to move forward and get started.
1
I've long thought an essential prerequisite for college should be a full time job for at least a year at one job. Most of the sensibilities and yearnings expressed by the student quickly go down the hopper in the world of work. Work puts the whole point of education into focus; the prestige factor of where one learns what one wants and needs to know to do what one wants to do, pales in comparison with acquiring requisite education to do it. Nothing clarifies school choice or future
(wrongly presumed better for success in a pedigree school) than working for a year at what one doesn't want to be doing, where one doesn't want to be.
BUT... if a student spends that work year taking two evening or on-line classes (including summer) at the institution they want to be attending full-time, (s)he can earn more than a full semester of credits from that institution, and will most likely be accepted for full-time day classes by that college/university for credit the student has proven themselves capable of hefting at that school. There are back-doors into every school.
I earned an AS and BA the same year taking night classes and CLEP exams in lieu of courses (aced 'em!) - which had more to do w/the summa cum laude on my diploma than genius. In another year I earned an MEd, then a PhD in a leisurely three years. You do what you need to do to get where you want to go. It's not traditional but NO ONE CARES!
Sometimes I inappropriately smirk just thinking, 'by God, you did it!'
3
Fortunate is the young person who gets to, or is ready to go to college right out of high school. I graduated in 1961 with top grades but with no way to go to college. Coming from a big family, there was no money for tuition.
I survived three years at a hospital nursing school: a boot camp experience, for three years with lots of putdowns, horrid instructors, and heavy demands (students ran the wards) and too much responsibility too early. I worked as an RN in the OR of cancer hospital. I had PTSD and worked through "moral hazard" at incidents I witnessed.
I attended a state college part time. With self-esteem in the toilet and a GYN condition that left me partially disabled I hid out. After a hysterectomy, I graduated from college in 1988 summa cum laude, then completed a BU Master's program in creative writing in 2001. In 2006 I earned a theology degree and worked as a hospice chaplain for six years.
Our life path is not laid out for us. We make the path we walk on. I could have done wonders with my life with guidance. I chose my next step, often blindly. My intelligence and drive went toward serving others. I got burned out repeatedly; each time I came back.
Now 75, I recall how I lived what Mary Oliver calls, "my one wild and precious life", worked in a prison for the sexually dangerous inmates, etc.
You can be happy anywhere. I know it's a horribly daunting time to be coming of age, but I came of age during the Vietnam war which was no picnic. Good luck.
6
Live at home. Go to your local community college for two years; get the required stuff out of the way; reapply to the same schools that rejected you.
You'll save a ton of money that way, too.
10
Terrific article. As an employer of lots of young people I have this to say: grit counts for a lot more than school. Trust me. And please pick up the book "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl...it may just change your outlook...
5
My young friend, disappointment is part of life but you can choose not to press your face to the door of what might have been, it’s all projection.
I teach at a prestigious college and I can tell you it’s not the obvious talents who rise to the top but a combination of just enough of a lot of skills that wrap together like wires that form
a steel cable. Being able to weather disappointment is a mark of the truly successful. You’re on the road, the destination is your choice. My best
8
You go somewhere else. You reassess why you applied to only those schools. You reassess your strengths and weaknesses. You realize, yet again, that life is not fair. You also realize that your English teacher told you that you could probably get an excellent education at any number of institutions. She also said you could get started at a Community College, save some money, if need be, and figure a few things out, work and save some money for a year or two. You realize that college isn't actually about partying and frats or sororities, or going where your best friend is going, or about heading South to some awesome beach. It's actually about becoming more knowledgeable and achieving a better skill-set, and it provides you with a few more years in which to become a man or a woman. It will be okay. I promise.
4
In the 1980’s, my Mom’s brother wanted to get a master’s degree. He was told that on his entrance exam, he did not do well enough. He took undergrad classes, in order to pass the test, and be accepted into the master’s program. Two master’s degrees later, he is the principal of a high school in Manhattan. Don’t give up!! Not now, and not ever!!
2
We live in a world today where ANY college degree will get you an interview at a job, over none. Thankfully, I come from an era (80s), where that didn't hinder my getting decent jobs in Cash Applications (HS typing to thank), AR, (1 college Fin. Acct. class) & Treasury/Finance. Also natural aptitudes help you with work-having a head for numbers, being analytical & detailed oriented/meticulous-college does not teach you those skills.
My boss just gave me my performance eval. I lamented at my insecurity at not haven finished college, not wanting anyone to question my competence . She said there is really 1 time a degree matters, when you’re applying for a job (& if you are looking to eventually get an upper mgt, CEO/CFO type of position) after that no one knows or cares if you have a degree. Entry level Staff accounting positions don't all require a degree. she said almost everything she does at work she learned on the job, save financial jargon & terminology. Her degrees though, help her move up the Corporate ladder. Ive been with my job 20 years, 13-the job before that, & Ive worked from home for 10 years now. I pride myself on having a good work ethic, integrity & strive to be an asset where i work, & i didn't have years of large student loans to pay off (2 years @ Pace Univ & a then $2,500 loan in 1982) . I am not wealthy, but a) I love my job, b) I LOVE working from home, & c) I make more than some teachers with Masters degrees). I have little complaints.
1
Whatever this whiny, self-pitying query may be, it is not an ethics question. Buckle down, grow up, and you'll do fine.
9
@Cato The field of ethics is much broader than you think.
1
This obsession with college brands is crazy! Academia is just a game - what matters is what you learn and how this can be applied to your future endeavors. A degree may matter to gain entry to certain career paths but no one ever asks what your grades were unless you want a Masters or PhD. What exactly do you want to learn? do? see? perfect?
You are young and just starting life. Make sure that having a great time in college is also a priority. It only gets more challenging, more competitive and more daunting afterwards. Have fun!
2
This pretty closely happened to me. I was surrounded by Ivy Leaguers--including my family and my boyfriend.
The school I went to was fine--but not what I'd set my sights on. And like you, I hadn't been admitted to a bunch of schools I'd much rather have gone to--at the time.
A very wise counselor said to me, the place you feel like you're settling for is some people's first choice. You can either go there feeling like you're a loser, or you can go there with a willingness to make the absolute most of it.
And if you do the second, you can always transfer it you still dislike it.
It was great advice. I had a great first year because I did everything I could think of to have a fulfilling time--being in a show, taking a creative writing class, working on the paper, getting to know the area, and making some good friends--who, as the counselor had pointed out, were very happy to be there.
I suggest this as one approach that worked very well for me.
11
They may have done you a favor. Go to the best college that will accept you.
4
"Why weren't you a better Zusha?" What a great question. It is all that matters.
3
Thank you, KAA. This is relevant far beyond the college admissions game.
4
You can transfer to the college of your choice after two years. Go to a college where you can excel.
and as a note, most Colleges and Universities offer difficult classes. There aren't party colleges any more, that I can determine. There might be partying at colleges, but not to the extent that there was in the past.
You can take online classes, which I have to say, about which, I would like to author an article. Online classes are difficult. They appear easy. They are not crossword puzzles and will take three times the amount of time which you might spend in a "live" class, to complete.
Finally, college degrees are worth a great deal. Don't let the hype about Gates, Zuckerberg, and other non-college degree billionaires fool you.
3
Dear Mr. Appiah: I absolutely fell in love with your answer to the high school senior who is "rejected" by his "dream colleges." Your quoting Middlemarch and rabbi Zusha is brilliant. Your talent as a loving teacher is clear. It was a co-incidence that I told a friend a few days ago that my "inability" to go to a certain Ivy League school was a blessing in disguise. I would have become an insufferable human being if I did. Approaching 70 years old, I've long realized that employers and clients forget where we come from soon enough. It is what we can do for them that they value.
8
waah. This is what happens when :
1) folks they are entitled to go to college vs. having the right to earn college
2) over the last 10+ years many parents have become more 'friends' with their kids vs. being tough love parents. Not everyone is an MVP on a team.
1
A little surprised that there's no mention in this column of the possibility of transferring after freshman year. My daughter didn't get into her first choice school, but was told that if she did well, she could reapply and would have a good chance of being accepted. So she went to a state school, did very well, reapplied and was accepted to U Miami - received an excellent aid package to boot! I've known many others who transferred, it certainly should be considered as an option for those who don't initially get in where they most want to go.
4
Moved me to tears, sir, this warm,honest,encouraging advice.
3
He never really answered her question, but rather used it as a soap box for his own opinions—ok it's his column. I was in a similar position, and a little empathy would have gone a long way. This person has probably self identified as "smart kid' and now that image has been dented. What else have they've gotten wrong about themselves. As painful as it is, this is a opportunity for this young person to see how resilient they are. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate his/her life plan? Or, best of all, shaking it off, and show those colleges what a mistake they made by being successful ...and happy. As for you"friends", here's a chance to make new ones.
2
Well, have you ever tried to tell something to an 18 year old? Did you take anyone’s advice when you were that old?
My dream graduate school rejected me. At the time, I was devastated.
My dream lifestyle ended abruptly in 2008. At the time, I was devastated.
My dream man left me when I was at my lowest point. At the time, I was devastated.
A year after my graduate school rejection, I started my own thriving business—in the very industry I was told required an advanced degree from a top university.
My bankruptcy led me down the path of self-discovery, and ultimately to my purpose. Cars and homes can be lost. Skills and lessons learned cannot. The latter serve me well in my much-loved career and life today.
As it turns out, my dream man wasn’t a dream at all. When I emerged from the nightmare of depression, I realized I didn’t need my ex—or anyone at all—in order to be fulfilled and whole. My amazing partner agrees.
Life is full of rejection. Perceived failure. Dashed dreams. It is also full of acceptance. Perceived triumph. Dreams anew.
NW, I offer you the same advice I’m giving myself right now, as I mourn the loss of yet another pregnancy: be grateful. Only time will reveal future gifts borne of today's unanswered prayer.
17
I so enjoyed your reply, it was wonderful, informative and inspiring.
4
This is the best answer to a question about disappointment that I have ever seen. Before this, I would not have even considered it to be a question about ethics. Thanks!
4
In "The Lay of the Land" by Richard Ford, the protagonist father observes that one thing his daughter learned at Harvard was how to fail, pick herself up and run harder with the next opportunity that opens up. He also suggests with ironic understatement that kids probably don't have to go to Harvard to learn this and that parents have a role here too.
I can't help but blame some of this student's angst on the U.S. News rankings. Parents and students routinely take them as gospel, while the criteria may be only loosely linked to excellence--and have led colleges and universities to game the system. Want to be seen as selective? Get rid of your application fee and encourage everyone to apply, so you can reject more kids. Want a higher graduation rate? Let some marginal students slide through college, or reject applicants who have less of a chance of graduating (poor kids, for instance, who bear the added handicap of needing financial aid).
If the young person who wrote this letter doesn't feel comfortable at the state school, he or she should check out other colleges that are still accepting applications. Many good schools are hungry for students, especially good students, and a college visit should give a decent sense of the culture.
2
While reading the letter I was so impressed with how you stated your problem and could express your feelings. I could so empathize with you as I could feel your disappointment. As a former teacher and school administrator I imagined us talking together.
Kwame Anthony’s response to you is exactly what I would have liked to have said. There were so many important parts. The one about your letter being in the N.Y. Times was huge and it was such a feather, so please treasure that comment and who you are competing with being just you, Looking at the schools you were accepted to and seeing the opportunities.
You have so many options and opportunities, see it as a puzzle and make it work for you. I think of my nephew who was in a similar position, he went to one of the schools where he was accepted, shined academically, and transferred to his dream school as a junior. Opportunities abound.
3
My dream graduate school rejected me. At the time, I was devastated.
My dream lifestyle ended abruptly in 2008. At the time, I was devastated.
My dream man left me when I was at my lowest point. At the time, I was devastated.
A year after my graduate school rejection, I started my own thriving business—in the industry I was told required an advanced degree from a top university.
My bankruptcy led me down the path of self-discovery, and ultimately to my purpose. Cars and homes can be lost. Skills and lessons learned cannot. The latter serve me well in my much-loved career and life today.
As it turns out, my dream man wasn’t a dream at all. When I emerged from the nightmare of depression, I realized I didn’t need my ex—or anyone at all—in order to be happy and whole. My amazing partner today agrees.
Life is full of rejection. Perceived failure. Dashed dreams. It is also full of acceptance. Perceived triumph. Dreams anew. I offer NW the same advice I’m giving myself right now, as I mourn the loss of yet another pregnancy: be grateful. Only time will reveal the gifts borne of your unanswered prayer.
A very thoughtful piece! But the pressure these students must feel. My folks nipped it in the bud. They could only afford to send me to a small, two-year (nearby) campus that fed into a state school. One afternoon, i told my dad that my friends were going to the state’s flagship school where “they could get a really good education,” thinking that would sway him. Lowering his newspaper, and without missing a beat, he told me that the campus he was sending me to had a nice library, adding, “I bet if you start in the A-section and work your way through the Z’s, you’ll have a good education, too.” As it turned out, faculty members at the campus were knowledgeable and dedicated. The biology teacher would find students in the lounge and ask biology-related questions. Couldn’t answer? He’d send you up to the lab to brush up. The German teacher would make a sweep through the library before class to round up anyone who might be thinking about skipping.
Two lessons I learned while there (but didn’t realize it until later): Meet people where they are and never underestimate their willingness to be good at what they do. Second, buy what you can afford and leverage it. I’ve had a nice life as a university professor. The faculty at that two-year campus were role models.
8
Someone I know did not get into first choice colleges, but went to one he did get into, had a great time there, is now attending a top medical school.
3
I went to college in the early 70s and many of us did not care very much about the prestige of the places we picked. I discovered I was not cut out for the place I went and transferred after one year to a school with a great reputation and discovered a life long love of learning.
Two points - more and more students these days transfer and that option will be open to you if you're not happy. And second - sometimes you get really really lucky and find the place you go magic, despite whatever preconceptions you might have had.
Just be glad that you're not trying to get into law school!
2
Great question and equally great answer. Life is full of zigs and zags and there is no one path to personal success. Regardless the school one attends they have access to the same body of research and knowledge. Pick the topics which interest you and excel at them. Reach beyond college through internships and professional associations. Never stop learning and growing and use this situation to build resilience as you will need that time and time again.
2
Young Person, this experience is a life lesson that can be trickier to unwind than it first appears. Perhaps, assume that your friends indeed qualify for better schools and honors college when you in fact did not. They are your friends and thus value you. So, what do you have working for you that is not captured by the college admissions filter? Often, it is easy, if you like math and taking things part to end up in engineering and loving it. This is opposed to being really good at math, starting in math and ending up in broadcast communications and loving it and being really good at it (an old friend). What makes you special and what you will excel at make not even be taught at those elite schools. I wonder what you school counselors think, they can have remarkable insights.
A most remarkable piece of writing from the young lady, and a knock-it-out-of-the-park response from the ethicist. And, just to conflate a bit, the responses from regular folks "just like me" is nothing short of heartwarming and real at the same time. The human condition, always striving to be better, reaching out in times of need, being honest with oneself, learning how to be an adult. The scary yet inevitable march from being a teenager to becoming a young adult. Wanting to do the right thing. Both the young lady, the ethicist and my fellow human being responders here retaught me something today, that the intense desire to succeed, fit in and strive for ourselves hasn't changed, and doesn't end, regardless of age or what lot in life we find ourselves. Thank you all, and especially the young woman author, scared but brave enough to put herself out there, so we could all remember what a scary time of life that was for us all. Be well and good luck; It will all be fine.
20
@Chuck Tipton At first reading, I believed the letter emanated from a young man, not a young lady. Upon a second reading, I found no mention that the letter had been from a young man or young lady. Guess we both made assumptions?
2
@Chuck Tipton very well said - thanks
An excellent response. I would add that reading 'Colleges that Change Lives' and applying to several profiled in this book (mostly small liberal arts colleges that give lots of financial aid) would be a good move. Don't be put off by the admissions deadlines - try anyway. Full discosure: I've been teaching at one of these schools after earning an Ivy League PhD - I've seen first-hand the advantages of smaller classes, research opportunities, and the growth through leadership that smaller colleges provide. Go for it!
15
My wife, bless her soul, was rejected from all the science courses she was interested in at college as well as becoming a vet, her first love, because of poor math grades in high school. In the end there was only one course she could do, Botany. I met her at college. We married and had 4 children. When our youngest was 10 she got a morning job in a plant nursery. Later she got a job as a plant photographer at our National Gardens in Pretoria. To cut a long story short she went on to become one of South Africa's most successful authors of gardening books, for which she wrote the text and took the photographs. 25 years later her books are still being sold in bookshops and to students of landscape gardening. She always said: it's not having talent in anything that makes you succeed. Its having the self discipline to work hard at what you love doing. No matter what that is. So my advice for this enquiry: take your opportunity. Work hard at it. Slowly as the years pass, find the work you enjoy. Dont try to rush it. Life is not a 100 yard dash. It is a long course that requires dedication and self-discipline. Dont underestimate yourself in the long run. And dont worry about those who seem to be running past you now. They are simply acquaintances. Your own life will become meaningful when you no longer worry about them or their achievements. And dont demean yourself by thinking you are worth less than them. To your family you are everything
24
I would also suggest to this student to search out other colleges that she/he never considered. Or considered a community college for two years (not necessarily near home) and then reapply to her dream college. Another option is to take a gap year, and do something exciting along the lines of the area she wants to pursue. Volunteer to protect turtles along the Mayan peninsula, join Americorps or get a job in a National Park. Something like this can address the status/self esteem problem, too, and students tend to do better in college when they have had more 'real life' experiences. It's not the end of the world, it just actually opening the world of options a little wider than this student imagined.
27
@Susan
Gap years are spendy.
Not as spending as wasting a year’s tuition at a school you’re not ready for.
1
I went to one of the top-notch graduate universities in this country. Another student confided they felt completely intimidated because as they put it, they were no longer first in the class without putting in any effort. Everyone in the class had also been first in their respective high schools.
I was far more relaxed because I never thought of myself as particularly bright. Then once I started working in business I discovered that the really brilliant/interesting people didn't work for corporations; that in fact most of the people there were political hacks who couldn't write a decent sentence to save their lives.
Your only real competition is yourself, and the larger challenge is figuring out not what you want to do, but who you want to be.
17
Malcolm Gladwell also noted in his book David and Goliath that many students are actually better off attending schools that are less elite because they have a better chance to get excellent grades, stand out among the crowd, and feel less pressure.
18
This is a dilemma. Equally problematic can be teachers who are asked by students of so-so ability and success to write a recommendation(s). Does the teacher feign interest and write an exaggerated letter or reject the student outright?
2
@The Perspective That is why if a student wants a recommendation to mean anything they have to sign away their rights to read said recommendation.
Otherwise it's not worth its weight in ink
1
Thank you Dear Almost Graduate and Mr. Appiah for this wonderful, inspiring, moving exchange, that deeply resonated within me. It doesn't matter what stage of life one is in, one must always be truly and utterly oneself, so that we may live our lives to the fullest. We will then be able to truly rest in peace when that last day on earth arrives. Thank you Dear Almost Graduate for your vulnerability and transparency, and thank you Mr. Appiah for encouraging her/him, and all of us to take the higher road.
17
Dear Almost Graduate:
I was given two pieces of advice before heading to college which I pass on to you -
One was from dear friends who said, "College is what you make of it"
The other was from my grandmother, herself an academic (and Dean), who said, "Take the classes by good professors (teaching) - the topic doesn't matter".
These have stood the test of time, and neither is institution specific. They are really sound advice.
My one thought to you personally is to consider going to one of those more distant schools. There is such growth possible when one is out of their element, and gets to create their own opportunities. It is liberating, challenging, hard at times, but the rewards are tremendous. At least try to study abroad for a year if you stay local.
You have great insight (describing yourself as in mourning) and our society hasn't done a great job of supporting our youth - hang in there!! As the columnist advocated, find, follow and evolve your true self within the circumstances you face and you can never go too wrong (all paths have detours!). I'm excited for you - - and in time, hopefully you will be too.
31
Six years ago, I was feeling exactly like this letter-writer. I had been one of the best students in my competitive public high school, had scored in the 99th percentile on the SAT, and had a 4.0. I wrote admissions essays about how much I loved biology, and thought my genuine enthusiasm would get me into an elite school. I was instead rejected from my top 5 choices, while my best friend went to an Ivy League.
All I can say is what most people on here have said--it doesn't matter where you go. I'm about to start a PhD in Biology at the type of elite institution that would've rejected me as an undergrad. And I think that in the end, the experience made me learn something that friends who got into elite colleges learned much later: rejection is almost always about someone else's needs, rather than your capabilities. I loved biology as an undergraduate, but I didn't fill any other particular niche--I wasn't an athlete, or a musician, or a legacy. I was a good student, but they didn't need another good student.
I also think it's worth mentioning that colleges are quite incentivized to have students apply in order to reduce their % admitted, and that can lead to very misleading marketing. After being rejected from Williams, I wondered why I had ever thought I would get in. A year later I found an old email from them that was begging me to apply, as I was a National Merit Scholar. Rejection for me was a valuable lesson, but it was made a lot harsher than it needed to be.
33
I am sharing this with our college counselor, who I hope will share it with all of our junior and senior students. I’m also forwarding it to my own high school junior, who is already deep in the mire of self-doubt over next year’s college admission process.
For high school seniors, this time of year—which should be a celebration of the accomplishments of 13 years of academic progress and achievement—more often becomes a season of self-flagellation over perceived lost opportunities. Juniors are watching the process and ramping themselves up about next year as if it is some kind of Rubicon.
I see this attitude imbuing every aspect of our high schoolers’ lives; my daughter struggles against a daily focus on grades which belies the wonderful breadth of knowledge I see her and her friends display in their conversations. They are well-educated, and yet it is so easy to doubt themselves because they can’t perform up to an artificial standard on an achievement test or get accepted to an “elite” school. The consumerist perspective is always the default isn’t it? If I get into the name-brand school, that proves my worth, rather than honoring their own work, body of knowledge, and life choices.
I hope this piece can help students see college—especially a particular college—as not the be-all, end-all but rather as the next step in a long path of growth that comes from and through them and their efforts, rather than as the result of one fateful college decision.
18
I believe that the young individual who is the subject of this article was grossly unrealistic in his or her choice of colleges to apply to. Profiles of SAT scores, desirable extracurricular activities, and the like are widely available. Whether the candidate accessed any of those resources is unclear from the article.
In addition, the person has an ego that he or she had better get under control sooner rather than later. That ego will be nothing but trouble later on, especially in a career.
As to where the individual should "go from here," I recommend that she or he--I'm betting it's a guy, incidentally--start either with that "good state university close to home" or with the best of the schools "very far from home, with fewer accredited programs" for what s/he wants to do. It is extremely likely that whatever the downtrodden candidate thinks s/he wants to do will change during the college experience. That is because almost no 18-year-old I've ever met--and I taught at the college level for a half-decade--has a truly accurate idea of what s/he wants to do. Among other experience,s students discover new interests and new capabilities while they're attending college.
Most important, though, this individual needs to let go of that outsized, baseless ego and start dealing with reality, up-close and personal. Best of luck.
10
@Warren Miller You expressed exactly what I was thinking, elegantly. "Good grief," to quote Charlie Brown. Outside ego, indeed. When I went to my state university years ago, I had many opportunities to participate in honors programs after I started attending there, and if this youth shapes up, he or she might as well. Egotistical people eventually get knocked down by authority figures, such as the boss, and it is a good idea for this student to take care of this problem Now.
3
@Warren Miller : I ask you how helpful is it when someone bares their soul about their feelings of rejection, to be met with someone pious saying that their feelings are something that arise from their "outsized, baseless ego." As we have seen in the recent academic scandals, people are accepted or rejected often by forces outside of themselves. I can picture you as someone who calls the current generation, "the whiners." Thank goodness there are people with greater heart like Dr. Appiah to listen to them.
9
@Warren Miller
You have taught for a half-decade? You mean five years? No sign of 'outsized, baseless ego' here!
5
Having taught IB English to kids in a very competitive environment, this scenario is common. The social pressure to attend these schools is toxic and I dreaded the days acceptance letters were coming out because tears always followed, sometimes followed by clinical depression, and in one case, hospitalization.
Some kids felt suicidal after rejection from their "reach" schools and most who'd thought they were shoe-ins were not, in the end. It's a pretty brutal "real world" slap in the face for them. I always told kids (before they got their letters) that their undergrad choice mattered much less than they thought where an eventual career was concerned and that, often, the Ivies can prove a bad fit.
My brother-in-law got into Harvard on a full ride and left Harvard after a year. Several students I've had had the same experience, though one had to be talked into returning, after every miserable year, to graduate. These kids weren't social outcasts--they were popular kids and at least two were class presidents--but they weren't a good match for their Ivy of choice.
As the Ethicist states, the idiosyncrasies of the admission process to these schools can be quirky. In building a freshman class, colleges, in any given year, might give preference to students who play a particular sport or excel in performance. Students have no idea, going into it, what any particular college is looking for and it's pretty much a crapshoot, as most of these students look the same on paper.
12
"A mistaken notion of desert is often accompanied by the delusion that the college you go to will determine how rewarding a life you’ll have."
Couldn't have said it better; I got into the college of my choice thirty years ago, and things went downhill from there! That is, one year in, I was in a catastrophic car crash and forced to take two years off.
My parents had wanted me to go to a campus school, and I insisted on going to my first choice instead—where I had an awesome experience, but the disabilities I acquired in the motor vehicle accident made everything, even talking, ridiculously difficult. I graduated in five years with a four-year degree and have floundered ever since.
My point is simply that you make your opportunities and it's possible that the school you go to will be a better fit that your choice would have been. If not, you can always transfer to a school you like better; life is full of options.
6
This is nothing short of a fantastic question (congratulations to the student who is the only one from his/her high school who is published today in the NYT) and answer that is timely, relevant and hopefully helpful to families all over the world.
33
Dear Name Withheld,
That said, my thoughts: your future path may now be even better than the one you thought you wanted; send a letter with this article asking to be on the alternate list; you would be surprised by how many physicians and lawyers tried multiple times before getting admitted.
Best wishes,
H B
12
Sitting in a hotel room in Boston after attending our sons Masters graduation in Architecture, I realize he is one lucky fellow. This wasn't always the case. College was a rocky start, and he ended up taking 2 years off to work. Being accepted into all the institutions that he applied to is not a guarantee to a happy experience. It took some time to figure it out.
But he did..with his Masters thesis displayed along the corridors. Everyone has a different path, it is not his/ her parents, friends or family. It can only be yours.
8
I take it that the poor child was delusional during his entire high school life because he thought his grades and SAT scores would as good as his peers despite knowing they were not (assuming he got less than 3.8 in HS and less than 1550 on SATs or such.) But now the TRUTH has been revealed-he's not as good as his peers. Which gets back to-he wasn't paying attention in HS; he thought he was "good enough" in HS when he wasn't; and it gets back to what is wrong with some of the young students today-this unrealistic approach to life that they can have what others have without the work. Or they feel their superior attitude will overcome the lack of academic standards they set for themselves? Whatever is the reason for this young person's failure to be as good as his peers has led to unrealistic expectations. Go to the affordable school that has good programs and understand that you need to get 3.5 or higher in order to get to grad school and to get into good internships and jobs. But if you are going to be average or less than in your grades and work, stop expecting doors to open for you. They won't open. They will remain closed.
3
@JMA2Y Not sure why you assume his numbers (gpa and SAT) or work ethic were any different from his peers'. (I'm assuming the same gender you did.) He's referring to close friends; I guarantee you they shared their numbers with one another, so he has good reason to believe he was "good enough." The point of the article is that numbers don't tell the whole story at a school with holistic admissions.
The TRUTH is that, in criticizing the student for being "delusional" and "unrealistic," you are making the same mistake the student has made--assuming that his college admissions measure his worth. They don't. This year is remarkable, among a decade of quickly shifting sands for college applicants, for its unpredictable results. I've seen students with 4.0 and 1600 SAT rejected at schools who would have begged them to come even three years ago. (I'm a college counselor.) To paraphrase Professor Appiah, having good numbers is not enough to get admitted at highly-selective private colleges or even at highly-rated state colleges as an out-of-state student. You also need to be significantly involved in your community, excel at extracurriculars, and be lucky.
11
True learning about self worth should start at a much earlier age than at the time of college acceptance. Parents, teachers, friends, student advisors, leaders in any field can reach out to children about this long before their high school senior year. People who contributed positively to society can learned good lessons from shocking failures sometime during their lifetime.
4
I, too, was rejected from all my top schools. I ended up at a tiny liberal arts college that turned out to be a great first step. Two years later, I transferred to a “better” school, and was more socially isolated and less engaged. Fast forward 20 years: I have a PhD and have been faculty at three of the most prestigious universities in the country. Each one of them rejected me as both an undergraduate and a graduate student. I suspect that all this is possible because I stayed true to my vision for myself, worked hard (and sometimes messed up) and kept going. No one moment determines everything.
61
The best line here was "a willingness to run with the opportunities that come your way."
Open minds find more opportunities. If opportunities lead to dead ends, there is a good chance that along that road are more opportunities. I'm in my 70s now and still find myself doing new things that I never, ever would have expected.
I went to an Ivy League school half a century ago and afterwards to medical school. Never once did a patient ask me what college or medical school I went to, and what my grades were.
I got an honors degree in chemistry but never became a chemist. I failed my first college English paper and later published articles in nine different fields. Go figure. It's called life.
50
Today's Q and A was excellent. I finished college long ago. Even so, the advice from this column inspires. Good luck to the future student. BtW, I went to an unknown college and couldn't be happier.
13
I think you're stuck in the American "one-way education tunnel", which I understand -- but it's so limiting. There's a big world out there, and you might do well to investigate life outside this box. Why not abandon these limited parameters and do something totally different for a year? Work abroad, volunteer abroad, work at something you love in another city -- the possibilities are endless, and it places you outside "comparisons". In the meantime, it gives you the space to regroup and rethink your priorities amidst others who may well hold a wider view of "success". Good luck -- it will be great!
20
Don’t loose trust In yourself.
I consider American too many choices for college a nuisance.
In Europe I went to a public university where I graduated with a PhD degree that opened many doors to me in the United States.
You might smile , but I selected the university that allowed me the least train traveling time from my hometown.
Needless to say it is not the university that will give you a satisfying career , it is you with your desire for commitment and sacrifice for an ideal that will fill your future and render your life happy , fruitful and satisfying.
Don’t look around too much , follow your dreams .
Best wishes and be confident.
15
So many years ago I was accepted into an elite training program partly because I “knew someone.”It was clear that about 25% of the starting cohort would be let go after a year.In my first work group there were 5 or 6 people and everyone had gone to either Harvard,Princeton or Yale.I thought I am toast.My background was more humble.After a few months I had the self realization that I could do this.One of my colleagues had drinking problems,another just did not want to work as hard as the position required and another realized he wanted to do something else.I would get up at 4:30,look in the mirror and tell myself I could do it and I did.This was one of the great learning moments of my life.
16
Great advice, Prof. Appiah. I was waitlisted at MIT for the class of '68 and it was not the end of the world. I eventually finished 4 degrees from state universities and had a very successful career.
Success is up to you. If you work hard -- wherever you go to school, I'm sure good things will happen for you. Good luck. I'm very excited about your prospects.
9
I didn’t get into my first choice of colleges, despite having a pretty good academic record. I didn’t meet up with the girl of my dreams until I was in my thirties. It took me a long time to find an occupation that was interesting and that I was good at. It took me quite a few years to become economically self-sufficient. My frequent efforts to win the Powerball Lottery have all ended in failure. My favorite sports teams have consistent records of losing. Trump got elected President. It rained.
Stay with life. Keep on keeping on. Find a good friend to talk things over with. Time has a way of healing things.
138
I would point out that James Hansen, the most influential scientist in America in the field of climate change, which will be proven to be the most important scientific field of the generation, went not to MIT or Harvard or Stanford. He went to University of Iowa. When he matriculated, he had no idea that climate investigation would become his life's work. But he followed the trail laid out for him by his intense love of science. Find it; follow it. At age 71, I regret I did not understand the ethicist's excellent advice upon high school graduation. I might have wasted less time in pursuit of honors, and sooner found an honorable life.
60
@DMATH - What a wonderful, succinct life lesson in your last sentence. "[W]aste less time in pursuit of honors, and find an honorable life."
That is the core of our humanity - honorable, not honors. Over and over again commenters have alluded to this in one way or another.
You sum it up in a helpful, clear sentence. Thank you. I hope the student who's agonizing over his/her rejection learns that it is just one of many they will face in life. Best of success in LEARNING!
7
This is very good advice but I think one more point needs to be carefully considered. This young lady may not be ready for college. A year off to work and carefully consider the future might better sharpen her idea of what she should be looking for in a college program.
Being confused and full of self doubt is not the state of mind needed to start off your first year of college.
18
Much good advice and reassuring comments for this young person! Those of us with many decades behind us understand the ups and downs of a long life and that opportunities shift all over the place. As one grows up, it is how those opportunities are approached that makes the difference.
Having said that, it is a very different environment today than when I was in college in the early/mid-1970's. Competition and expectations are very different and social media has changed how colleges send the news of acceptance/rejection through tweets, texts, emails. Instantly, kids find out about everything about everyone. The downside is there is no filter and no time to process and digest the news before it hits a broader audience.
People have always compared themselves to others, but in today's world it is constant, very public, and "news" can hang around a lot longer than the "old" days. That's a really tough place to be as a teenager; the brains of which have a long way to go in development.
12
Thank you, @Jenna, for reminding me of the impact of social media on this process of acceptance/rejection.
It's a very different world for our teenagers and that means we need some translation from our (older) pov and experience to theirs.
6
It's very hard, though extremely important, to dislodge from high school students' heads the notion that there is only one college where they can be truly happy and successful. It's fine to have a top choice, but they need to understand with thousands of colleges in this country - not to mention those overseas - there are many, many institutions where they can learn and have fun.
I started delivering this message to my children as freshman in high school. I didn't encounter the challenge confronted by the student in this instance. It was part luck and part planning that I didn't.
7
Having recently been through this with my own daughter, who "settled" for a "lesser" college than she had hoped for, my heart goes out to you for feeling awkward and disappointed, especially when some of your friends are jubilant and even gloating over their acceptance letters. The college admissions process is long and more tortuous than it perhaps should be, but this too shall pass. My daughter, who was always a good student at respected private schools, quickly became immersed in her school, engaged in her studies, making new friends, and enjoying her newfound independence. The four years of college pass by quickly, and then you embark on your adult life. Some adults, especially those who attended marquee colleges, never progress much beyond their college experience. Mr. Appiah is right to advise that making the most of opportunities that come your way is the way towards fulfillment and happiness. The way to misery and failure is to compare yourself to others.
36
For once, I am just as delighted to read the comments. Thanks, Kwame for setting such a positive and realistic tone for everyone!
36
Life is full of disappointments. It is how you look at them and move forward that's key.
I went to a private high school. I was in the top of my class but the universities I wanted to attend rejected me. I had an interviewer tell me, "You are not the type of student that will succeed here."
My mother asked how the interview went and when I finally shared his remarks she said, "Are you going to let someone else define you and your future?" I didn't. I went to an other university close to home. After a year, I transferred to one of the university I had wanted to attend. I had friends that went to MIT and I did not but in the end my life if I compare it to what I wanted and what I received it has been far more successful than I ever dreamed.
If you cannot deal with this set-back the road will not have any joy, success or appreciation because there will always be someone prettier, wealthier, and smarter.
39
Real learning involves taking many paths, and some of them won't turn out as hoped. But if we assess ourselves primarily as to the "quality of effort" we are putting out, we can wind up not feeling like failures, and eventually we will find some of the things we think we want.
The most wonderful thing about real education is that it is rich enough in ideas to allow a person who starts with the idea of getting from A to B, and shows them Cs and Ds they never knew were there. Like civilization, it is not a place but a manner of traveling.
14
Thank you for a thorough and wonderful answer. It was a pleasure to read a response so well thought out, hitting all the right notes of reality and comfort and understanding without a second of condescension. As for the letter writer, anyone who can be this articulate in an emotional time has a great future coming! I wish it and look forward to your successes!
53
"If your self-worth is tied to being better than others, then, you’re headed for trouble."
This is one of the many excellent remarks by Mr. Appiah in his answer to the unhappy high school senior and deserves highlighting.
When I came to this country for higher learning I was initially offended by the competitive nature of life at the graduate program I attended - and did not understand the maddening focus of Universities on athleticism.
While I was somewhat satisfied with the education I got and impressed by the doors just the mentioning of my Alma mater opened, I was very unhappy about the environment in which the studies happened - a near constant stress and overexcitement due to competitive nature in the classrooms and hallways.
25
Oh, I feel so bad for this letter writer - and not because he/she didn't get into the college(s) of choice. I truly hope the person is reading these responses.
Most of your life is ahead of you, even though it may not seem that way now. You are at the beginning, not the end. What college you went to will NOT matter in the long run. You've got to trust me on that! What college you get into - or graduate from - is NOT a measure of your worth and has almost nothing to do with your future successes.
This will NOT matter in ten years. I promise.
In practical terms, you can go to the state school, then if you get good grades you can transfer into the honors program. Or you can go to one of the further away schools. Or you can take time off and work for awhile and re-group. There's absolutely an answer for you.
33
I add this, there will be MANY answers. Life is a journey, with bumps and all that is good and bad.
@DW
Colleges choice today - well, it has been for a long time - is too much about buying papers and not enough about getting a good education. And the same attitude continues in college where students select the least challenging courses they are permitted to. The net result is that a larger and lager proportion of people are leaving college nearly as ignorant as they went in.
When as a result they are unable earn enough to pay their college loans and live independently, they blame the cost of college - not the twin mistakes they made. That is, buying high priced paper and neglecting to get an education.
1
We celebrate our friends’ successes because, whatever is happening in our lives, our friends deserve our sincere goodwill. Happy people aren’t happier because others are less happy. Your disappointments are not less disappointing because a friend is disappointed, too.
You worry that you might not be as smart as you think you are. Don’t worry: you’re not. You know what they call the dumbest kid graduating from medical school? Doctor.
No matter who we are, wherever we are, there is always someone nearby who is “more better” than we are - smarter, taller, wealthier, thinner, sexier, more worldly, more beautiful, a better athlete, a better trombone player, a better artist, a better comedian...Yours feels like a too sharp lesson at a too young age but the sooner you internalize this reality, the sooner you can liberate yourself and find your own happiness.
32
I have a great deal of compassion for anyone in this situation and I am absolutely sure that the letter writer can have a great life in spite of this great disappointment. However anyone so depressed should see a therapist immediately before the sadness is beyond overwhelming.
20
I was wait listed at a competitive school near Boston and delighted when I was eventually admitted and received enough need based financial aid to actually attend. When I arrived on campus people were glad to know me because as a local I could guide them around Boston. That first Saturday their destination was not Bunker Hill or Filene’s Basement or the Symphony, but Harvard Square. Why? Because they wanted to see what college really looked like. My classmates were Harvard’s wait list.
Today my classmates are authors and physicians, actors and elected officials, professors and judges. If you are lucky enough to have the time and means to attend college full time, college looks like wherever you are. Get to work.
24
My guess is that many of the transit authority's (think subway) executives went to elite colleges and look what's become of all that! Get over this elitist conundrum and focus on planning out a syllabus , a blueprint of sorts which will build a structure for your future work. With this done set about finding a university that offers the necessary coursework. And keep in mind your expenses so as not to become shackled by debt. Who knows what the future will bring but at least you'll be debt free and knowledgeable about the tools you have chosen for your future work! Most universities want you to have to succeed.
7
Dear Young Person: It's hard, feeling like the only one not celebrating when everyone else is happy. In the short run, plan some coping strategies for the next few weeks: Take deep breaths, come up with alternate conversational topics for when your friends won't stop blabbing about college acceptance, maybe scale back on social media.
But remember that this phase of your life, the brink of college, is so, so short. It feels awful and all-consuming now; in the grand scheme of things, it is brief.
Go to the state school. You'll meet TONS of new people, none of whom will think your presence there represents the butt of a cruel joke. Take at least one class on a subject you haven't heard of but that sounds cool. Join clubs, play an intramural sport, go to social events. Walk all over every bit of your new campus to find cozy spots to study, the place to buy the best sandwich, or places you might take someone on a first date someday. If you're uncomfortable, figure out specific things that are making you uncomfortable and send whiny e-mails about them to your parent who is an alum of this school. (You're allowed. I have done this exact thing.) Try something you've always wanted to do but haven't had the opportunity or guts for before ... develop photographs from film, or learn juggling or knitting, or sing in a choir, or raise fruit flies in a lab, or figure out how to ride your bicycle across campus with no hands.
Your celebratory moments are coming. Good luck!
99
@OCPA.....Thank you for your excellent, actionable advices for the short (last year of high school) and intermediate (college years) time frame in preparation for the long term (the rest of one’s life). The issues discussed in the letter and the ethicist’s response may be applicable later in life as well. Though it might not be the admission process to colleges but being passed over for a coveted promotion, financial success or set backs, etc, may all elicit similar self doubt and unhappiness. At my ripe old age of 61, I think I learned from and improved since my earlier challenges. I also recognized that life is a continuous journey of learning experiences. Hopefully resilience gained from challenges, self examination, and self awareness will continue to carry me forward.
4
Why must you air your dirty laundry, young man. Recalibrate your expectations with your aptitude and carry on.
11
@Sam She probably asked the question so that she could work through a situation of disappointment and get some great advice at a time of perceived great strife. Based on the number of comments, she has definitely struck a cord with a broad audience.
She probably did not do it to get archelochen comments from philly...
50
@Sam This young person is depressed and asking for help understanding what happened. Please try to be kind and steer him to a counselor to "refocus," ok?? As an ex-high school English teacher, I can tell you a little kindness goes a long way in life.
6
@Dr. Klootzak. Yup. Agree totally. And since when is expressing disappointment and anxiety “dirty linen”? Leave the kid alone — anyone who could write that letter has writing and analytical talents a bunch of my college students at elite schools could have used!
2
great article, great advice.
16
Buck up! Take a gap year. Get yourself a job (not some job mom or dad pulled strings to get you). I can assure you that the following fall the university that accepted you will look much more inviting.
15
Nice essay. But what exactly is the ethical issue here?
10
@Kim10024 Read Dr. Appiah's quote again: "Because ethics, in its classical sense, concerns itself with what makes a life go well."
This is a column worth reading.
1
@Kim10024
Thank you. This letter has nothing to do with any kind of ethical dilemma that I can detect. Should have gone to Philip Galanes's "Social Qs" column, not here.
Dear Mr. Appiah,
Your thoughtful, honest, and compassionate response to this student brought tears to my eyes. It should be required reading for all high-school students, parents, and counselors. I actually think your words here are universally applicable, and provide wisdom and a roadmap for facing the terrifying fear of shame and failure—no matter one’s age or circumstances. Thank you. And to the student writing this letter, your self-awareness and emotional intelligence are evident in your letter. These are admirable and rare qualities; I congratulate you. I am sorry for your disappointment; I believe you will find a path to meaningful happiness.
75
@Jean. I absolutely agree. I am also impressed and heartened by the thoughtful, kind, and generous advice offered by so many making comments here. My faith in humanity is getting a boost.
25
Earlier I proposed that high school counselors spend much more time educating students about the many paths to college and career success. In addition, I think that all kinds of public 2-year and 4-year) and "lesser-known" privates could contribute to a more moderated view of admissions by bringing reps to campuses. Private colleges do this routinely -- send reps to high schools for presentations about opportunities at their colleges and what they look for. Sometimes those privates also bring along alum to tout the benefits of attending, along with the positive outcomes. Why not publics as well? It wouldn't have to be specially hired personnel but current personnel as well as interested alumni, some of whom would surely be eager (as commentators here have been) to sing the praises of their alma maters, including community colleges. This would be a great public service. While I recognize that results could increase pressure on enrollments of the most popular comm. colleges (not to mention impacted State colleges & certain campuses), it might also lead to new comm. colleges & new State campuses being built. (Or, conversion of land use of now-failing for-profit schools.)
3
This was almost frustrating to read. I have dealt with this same issue and felt the same social stigmas around not getting into any of my top choices, despite maintaining a high gpa throughout high school. Why is the conversation not geared towards empowering students to attend community college??? By avoiding that as an option, you are adding to the stigma that stops students from going to community college to fulfill their full potential. You are telling them to settle. Sure, some successful people didn’t graduate from ivy leagues. But if you have that option through going to community college, AND saving money AND having a higher GPA than most others graduating from the four year university, why not empower students to do that.
This type of article just adds to the stigma of not going straight to a four year. Very disappointing.
9
Enough of the woe is me, my life is so disappointing.
Luck has been described as the "Intersection where Preparation meets Opportunity"......so get busy with the preparation in order to be ready with opportunity presents itself.
7
In 1986, my sister had her heart set on going to one of two schools. She received the rejection to both the same day, and was devastated.
The only school to which she was accepted that seemed even remotely considerable (a very competitive small liberal arts college; I’ll call it Morons U) was not one she was excited to attend.
She spent the entire summer before her freshman year moping around and saying over and over, “only morons go to Morons U.” Even at the time this was wildly untrue; with 30 years of hindsight, she’s her original perspective as comically absurd. To this day, it is a long-running family joke: “only morons go to Morons U.“ Because once she got on campus, she made friends, enjoyed her classes, and ended up liking/being very happy there.
Fast forward to April 2019: her son has been accepted to, and will be attending...that’s right: Morons U. Both he — and she — are ecstatic.
84
Is that what we would call - ‘a couple of morons?’. Just kidding. The focus on entry to certain schools among so many good schools and the knowledge that it is the student , more than the school, that determines what get learned leads to this ridiculous atmosphere where 18 year olds are pining and weeping like they have lost their dreamt of soulmates and are marooned in pity for life thereafter.
6
What a lovely piece. I remember college as a place that enriched my life. In retirement the love of knowledge and the search for truth that started there has continued. It has helped my life be worth living despite the vicissitudes of age. Thank God for people like this ethicist who sensitively responded to this student about to negotiate what for many is the most difficult stage of their lives. Mazel tov!
23
Beautiful! Appropriate for people of all ages.
12
Please read the wonderful Frank Bruni book, “Where you go is not who you are”. A perfect supplement to the excellent advice in this column.
20
If you go to a mere State school near home, how will you ever be in a position to lament your crushing student loan debt? Heaven forfend, you might graduate from university debt-free. You'll have nothing to discuss with your apartment dwelling friends when the come over to your HOUSE.
46
1. Go to the "good school" that accepted you.
2. During the first week, when the clubs, choirs, publications, etc. are recruiting new members, join everything. Go to all their meetings, parties, etc. You'll find some friends, and you might surprise yourself by joining and liking something you had never considered before.
3. Since you think you'll hate the school, take courses that will easily transfer, in case you get accepted to a school you like better for your sophomore year.
4. Since the present is painful, concentrate on the future -- your career. This is a chance to get started. If you want to go into law enforcement, e.g., FBI maybe, and plan to try for internships during your summers, get some expert advice about what courses to take to build a great resume, what part time jobs in which labs, etc. Work out a plan, year by year, semester by semester, summer by summer. Don't waste time "mourning." Don't tell anyone what you're doing. Just make a plan and follow it. No random moves. Everything leading to success.
22
It's a good column in many ways, although I'm not sure it addresses what seems to be the main worry of the writer, which is the possibility of having to reframe his/her status among friends. But that is not an ethical issue.
I'm changing the subject somewhat , but what struck me most about the letter was this: "... was rejected from nearly all the schools..." and "...all the schools I was accepted to...". That implies a _lot_ of applications. When I was a senior the guidance machine in my school processed up to three college applications per student, period. I know it's different now, but I think one of the consequences is that college admissions committees must be overwhelmed with meritorious applications, to the point where the selections become arbitrary to some degree. Just by the laws of chance, some students will be overlooked in the process. (At the same time, the armada of applications must give students a false sense of security in terms of getting one of their top choices.)
Elite colleges enjoy the stampede of applicants, because it gives them a "better" rejection rate. But maybe it's time to bring some balance to the college applications frenzy.
26
@The Tortoise
I completely agree and have advocated that the number of application slots on the Common Application be halved from the current twenty to ten. Most acceptance rates would double and, if limited to ten slots, most applicants would not apply to all Ivies plus highly selective unis but rather ten "best fit" colleges with a ranged of selectivity. Currently a student can apply to an unlimited number of colleges, but when the dust settles he or she can only matriculate to one. I have been trying to figure out who at Common Application makes this decision to no avail. Any ideas?
15
@The Tortoise Agreed. It also sounds like the LW didn't have a safety school they wanted. A safety school should be a sure bet that the student would like to attend. It also sounds like the student didn't understand what options were realistic.
5
All well and good. But what is left out is deprecating humor
Rather than see the matters of which NW complains solely in terms of knocks on him and his abilities, NW should not suppress or be afraid to confront those matters. "Hey, guess what. I was rejected at almost all the schools to which I applied. Local State U, here I come. I was rejected for the State U honors program, unlike all my buddies who will be in the program. So what."
In other words, have enough confidence in wear those supposed disadvantages as a badge of honor. And move ahead with what is the right choice, namely, enrolling at State U.
I speak from experience. I won't go into details. There must be an old song which says the same thing. It'll come to me, maybe sooner, maybe later.
6
Hire an expensive admissions advisor?
5
Advice I can still use, at 72 ( the part about being yourself, your best self, isn't a challenge that ends with college, of course, it never ends until we are gone).
Dr. Appiah responded well to this student's feelings of grief over the loss of expectations. assault on sense of worth, and and worry that their place in life had somehow been decided by forces out of their control.
I hope that the words hold not just solace but inspiration.
Focusing the entire column on a single complex issue was definitely merited here, and allows for a far deeper discussion. And it is good to be reminded that this tendency to rate ourselves against others - what size egg - is endemic but we can learn to opt out of the machine grading.
And I hope the writer can take heart that these feelings, these thoughts, his/her dilemma were treated as a most serious question for our society.
21
A lovely pile of philosophy from Dr. Appiah, but let’s get real: An honors college is a lot more work for very little gain. Go to your state school for a year, hold your head high, and transfer if you hate it.
37
I do feel the writer's pain. I also got rejected by every college I applied to but one and so, that's where I went. I was sure I was going to be miserable because this school didn't offer the same things as the schools I had my heart set on. But I ended up having a blast. I hit the ground running, joined a few social and academic groups, met lots of new people, kept myself busy, worked hard, and now I have a good job and lifelong friends. This might not have been so at another school even if my initial assumption was that it was a better environment. It's a crap shoot no matter what. Go to the school near your home, do your best to thrive and, if you do end up being miserable, look into transferring. But don't base your worth on what other people have.
44
My bad. I posted earlier that the *student* was Kawme. No, the adult writer is Kwame. Sorry to the commenter I replied to! (It's initially confusing because the writer's name appears just above the italicized "I.")
Dear Young Person,
It sucks to feel like how you are feeling. However, what matters in life is how you feel about yourself and not what the world says. Focus on improving your skills, knowledge and personality at the state university. You will realize later that you may be “better” than a lot of students at your prestigious colleges. I am a physician at one of the top medical universities and have seen remarkable students and teachers and administrators from state schools who were better than Ivy leaguers. Hang in there- talk to your parents about the state school. If it gives good education and experiences , go for it. If there are concerns about quality then work harder to transfer to another school. On a general level talk to wise elders about what it means to be the best or successful or happy ( and it sure isn’t a degree from a particular school)
12
Seems like everyone is offering suggestions for our student to not feel bad. It’s as if we’re telling him he shouldn’t feel that way. On the other hand it’s not irrational to feel a sense of loss and defeat under these circumstances. I would too. I have. So far none of these losses has killed me.
All I’d say is that yes it sucks, that you’ll eventually get past it, and that this one experience does not define your life.
17
Wonderful reply.
What's more, people who don't get into certain colleges aren't stupid. Would the letter writer say "my parents are stupid"?
Where do these bizarre values come from--parents? U.S. News and World Report? teachers and administrators? "Oh, I only got into a state university, I must be stupid and I can't be happy, even though my parents attended there."
"I feel deeply comfortable in that environment." Is the point of college to keep you in your comfort zone? Is that the attitude to bring to class? Are you going to sign up for classes that sound like easy As so you can impress an employer with how smart you are, as measured by your GPA?
Madness.
4
That's a very technocratic answer to an honest question.
I was rejected for early admission into my desired school and program even as some friends were accepted. I had to reapply for general admission and even then interview with the admissions before getting accepted to a general program. The experience was emotionally devastating.
My advice is not to worry about it. The feeling is real and it's miserable. However, you knock out a semester or two in any school. Clear your gen-eds and transfer. Really bend yourself backwards to engage and do well. You can do whatever you want. Your high school transcript won't matter anymore. Performance provides its own track record.
You might just find what you thought you wanted to do isn't what you want to do anyway. That's what happened to me.
12
I teach college writing (freshman) at a state university and ever so often I hear from students who claim college is a scam and they find the experience a waste of time. This article is perfect for all students, not just the skeptical ones, to read and digest. A good portion have confessed to me that they would rather be at a top-tier university, as though the attendance of that school will bring them the well-earning job they seek. I do my best to impart upon them that it's not the school that's going to do that; it's the person attending the school.
17
Welcome to life as a human being. There will be ups and downs in your next 60 years or so. How you feel and manage your feelings is up to you. So you were rejected by your favorite colleges. Big deal! Get used to possible rejections or acceptances in life. Quit whining. And, go to the collge where you were accepted, and have a great time. Work your way so you don't have student loans.
I attended and received degrees from four different colleges and universities in my lifetime. My favorite experience was at age 65 going for another master's degree. The major highlight was playing on the college soccer team and the coach was kind enough to let me try out, let me play a few minutes the first game that led to full games at the end because the younger players were lame and too sore to participate. Amazing things can happen at any college for it's a time for learning at so many levels.
Enjoy every moment of it. In the end, we all die any way. Now I am 82 and reflect on the wonderful life I had planned, or unplanned, rejected or not. Enjoy!
23
I teach college writing (freshman) at a state university and ever so often I hear from students who claim college is a scam and they find the experience a waste of time. This article is perfect for all students, not just the skeptical ones, to read and digest. A good portion have confessed to me that they would rather be at a top-tier university, as though the attendance of that school will bring them the well-earning job they seek. I do my best to impart upon them that it's not the school that's going to do that; it's the person attending the school.
It's important to start by doing an honest self assessment and review of the materials you submitted--your grades, resume, and essay. Almost always, there's room for improvement.
I mentored grant applicants for many years, and like the letter writer, they often need to re-apply for the grants they want. Like many of my colleagues, I received multiple, prestigious grants on the second try (in my case specifically, grants from the NEH, and the Getty Foundation.)
Finally, it's essential to remember that there's always some luck involved--both good and bad. You may be one of two grant applicants or college applicants with similar qualifications; one of the members of the review panel may have certain preferences.
It happens; you can't control for everything. At the same time, if you DO get that grant or acceptance, remember that you may just have been in the right place at the right time. We don't necessarily deserve all we receive--good or bad.
6
Name Withheld - You go to college, that is what you do. Who cares what your friends are doing? This is the opportunity for you to LEARN, not be coddled and there are going to be challenges. Go to the state institution, strongly apply yourself and you will have a good future - one that you made. You can earn that future through this process. This is opportunity. Stop comparing yourself to your classmates - the trick is this: if you apply yourself, work smart and hard, skip the parties and get a job during college, you will have far more success than most of the kids you are comparing yourself to. This is opportunity - YOUR opportunity, so take it and go to the college that accepts you. Your future awaits, get to it.
7
This is magnificent advice!
4
@Pearl
But nothing about this letter is in any way an ethical issue, the supposed reason this column still exists.
As a former college counselor who now interviews admissions insiders on the inner workings of admissions, I find that many students are unhappy about their college placements not because of how they truly feel about it, but because of how others perceive their college. Many major publications shape human viewpoints and most of these publications tend to focus on the rankings, prestige, and scarcity aspects of college. At a young age, it's tough to feel good about yourself when it feels like everyone around you doesn't think highly of your options. I completely understand that and want to combat that. I started SocratesPost.com to shape those viewpoints into ones that encourage and congratulate authenticity, self-discovery, and self-confidence. If you feel so inspired, visit SocratesPost.com to get a weekly college admissions newsletter featuring exclusive interviews with admissions insiders, an advice column, and news brief.
8
Dear Anonymous,
You'll be and do just fine. How do I know this? I read you beautifully written letter that expressed your pain, your realities and your dilemmas. I'm not sorry for your experience because it will enrich your life, if you let it. I'm only sorry that no one has complimented you on your writing, insight and communication skills.
Good for you!
14
@lsy
Are you not a bit weary of saying the letter writer
is a High School Senior ?
3
It's important to start by doing an honest self assessment and review of the materials you submitted--your grades, resume, and essay. Almost always, there's room for improvement.
I mentored grant applicants for many years, and like the letter writer, they often need to re-apply for the grants they want. Like many of my colleagues, I received multiple, prestigious grants on the second try (in my case specifically, grants from the NEH, and the Getty Foundation.)
Finally, it's essential to remember that there's always some luck involved--both good and bad. You may be one of two grant applicants or college applicants with similar qualifications; one of the members of the review panel may have certain preferences.
It happens; you can't control for everything. At the same time, if you DO get that grant or acceptance, remember that you may just have been in the right place at the right time. Don't be too full of yourself. We don't necessarily deserve all we receive--good or bad.
Boo Hoo! Getting into your dream college is no guarantee of having a good life. In fact, I would bet that the effect of going to a dream school or simply an adequate school are about the same. It's like the bit that Seinfeld did about doctors. "You have to go to my doctor because he is the best." They all can't be the best. The reality is that the majority of doctors are good doctors. The same can be said of schools.
I actually got accepted to MIT but there was no way I could afford it. I ended up going to several Texas public schools. I don't think that I was the worse for it. In fact, I had a lot more freedom to explore my interests. As a bonus, I graduated with no debt.
Post graduation is another world. Certainly some of what I learned in school was applicable but mostly it was like starting over. People are too hung up on the old idea of going to the best school and then landing a job that lasts a lifetime. It still happens but mostly it doesn't.
6
I had the same thing happen and I went to the college that accepted me. I'm fine. You will be, too.
Think of it another way; if this is the worst disappointment of your life, you will be blessed.
8
What a beautiful and eloquent reply from the Ethicist this week. I will save it and return to it many times, I know.
9
Very good, very wise.
1
In so many cases like this, it's about the list. We don't know, other than "a state school," what the other schools were. He mentions accreditation. Perhaps it was architecture, and if so, that is a very competitive field, even in the state school sphere, by the way. I would know because I'm an admissions counselor whose student was accepted by some architecture programs and rejected by others. He's deliriously happy to be going to a state school this Fall because the *program* is highly ranked. Key word: Program. In any case, whatever the program is, I like the advice of another commenter, who suggested using this so-called defeat as a motivator. Maybe this is a stupid comparison, but it once helped me to nail the science reading passages on the old SAT by imagining them as an enemy deliberately trying to defeat me. I decided I, not "they" or "it," was going to win. It worked, and I was able to teach that technique to my own students. Perhaps it will work for you, too.
2
For perspective about how flawed college admissions is look up the recent NYT stories about the misogyny, racism, and sexual misconduct at Swarthmore College. Swathmore is one of the best liberal arts colleges in the country--ranking 3rd in USNews--and the most exclusive -- 90 percent of all aplicant are rejected.The school is a powerhouse of progressive value and thinking. Honestly, I've always really admired the place. Reading about the culture of rape and racism there will make your stomach lurch. These perpretators here were among the 10 percent CHOSEN by this prestigious school. Think about it. Acceptance into schools like this doesn't actually signal goodness or intelligence. Make your own path. Be a good person.
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/30/us/swarthmore-college-phi-psi-fraternities.html
College admissions is a racket.
11
My father said to me more than a half century ago, “Any college you attend can teach you more than you will be able to learn.” He was right.
18
In 1972 my mother decided I should apply to Seven Sisters colleges I had no hope of getting in to, and she and my dad couldn't begin to afford. I did get into two other schools I wanted to go to, but suddenly, there was no money. After years of listening to her trash the nearby state university, that's were I ended up. Truly humiliating. I spent 3 semi-miserable semesters there before receiving a debate scholarship at a school several hours away. It was a rough road, but I was thrilled to finally make my own move. I got the journalism degree I wanted. I lived, ate and breathed reporting for nearly 30 years. When it came time for our highly gifted and learning-disabled son to apply to college, my husband and I made a science of the process. We visited an academic range of 15 schools, all with some kind of program he needed. He applied to eight schools, and was accepted at seven. We convinced him to delay admission and he spent two years doing community service with CityYear in Washington DC. Some schools delayed admission, some made him reapply. Two years later, he applied to two more schools. one of which accepted him and one declined. Long story short: He had plenty of choices and a 529 and scholarship money because we planned ahead, and were brutally realistic about what was a good fit. This young letter writer can craft his/her own future too. Life is about reinvention in the face of obstacles. It may be an early start but go for it!
7
@Elizabeth, now of Coastal Maine: “Life is about reinvention in the face of obstacles.” Truth and wisdom eloquently said.
Totally understand the situation, and great response from Prof. Appiah. My advice is to make your own path. Go to the school you got in to. Then find the right situations and people. The right people (professors, instructors, whomever) can be anywhere. You'd think they were at the elites, but they are literally all over the map. Find one, find two, find more, and then learn. The right person may be dead, but left some books or other work, and in combination with professors who see you are learning and support you (the right situation), you've found your path. As Professor Appiah implied, at the end of the day, you can make yourself the right person. Do it!
12
"Elite" colleges have a single mission: to keep the "elite" label so they can continue to raise tuition. The rate of tuition increase over the last 30 years is more than double the rate of increase of anything else in the economy. This "elite" label has nothing to do with quality of instruction, and everything to do with low acceptance rates and a lot of marketing. Thus we have the Common App, so everyone can apply to 20 schools, decreasing acceptance rates. As mentioned in the article, saying "I went to Elite College XYZ" is a credential that only benefits those who would otherwise have been assumed not to have the skills to do so, i.e., the less advantaged. The number of acceptance slots, deliberately kept small (about the same as in 1980) go to: 1. Faculty children; 2. Large donors; 3. Recruited athletes; and 4. Less advantaged. Also, half go to people of a different gender, so you won't qualify for those. If you're not accepted, you will end up at - what should we call it - a "less elite" school - along with thousands of other really sharp, talented students who aren't in categories 1-4 above. Those "less elite" schools have a ton of really great professors and probably greater access to instruction, not to mention a less arrogant student body. So go to a school that has opportunities for you to study what you are passionate about. Go there and thrive. And if graduate study is relevant, you'll find that's where the sorting goes on based on ability.
12
There are so many really wonderful colleges out there that don't make it onto students' radar when they are focused entirely on prestige. I echo Kwame's advice 100% and would add that students may find professors, mentors, and friends at a "less prestigious" school who will truly bring out the best in them, adding to their future happiness and success, whereas they may have been overlooked at the school they would have chosen as high school seniors.
11
Dude, those honors things are totally over-rated. They usually have more required courses that are not always super interesting and longer papers. Better take more classes you enjoy!
And an "elite" school doesn't necessarily mean your educational experience will be more gratifying. The school you go to for undergrad doesn't determine what you are capable of doing (or what you will do) in life.
I know it's hard to see the long road at 18, but really, your university doesn't matter nearly as much as you think it does. Save your money, go local.
28
Several writers mention transferring. Good idea! I worked at a private college, and the transfers from community colleges were among our most motivated and accomplished students. You can even transfer to a fancy school like Cornell.
17
Love this sharp essay that applies to so much more than college admissions. It applies just as readily to recruiting for jobs (sorry, kid, the rat race is just beginning), and then a bit later in life when the infinite paths that you and your peers have taken begin to diverge more noticeably. Making comparisons of salary, job title, relationship status, and [take your pick] lead only to misery, and the sooner one learns this lesson, the better. I love the last line of this essay and may tape it to my wall.
On the weekend of my 10 year NYU reunion, I'm happy to know we've got folks like Kwame in residence!
14
I had a different set of circumstance but was also unable to attend any of the colleges I desired after high school. I can definitely relate to the disappointment, shame, self-pity, and the feeling of injustice watching others move forward.
I ended up going to the local community college. But less than a decade later, I had a graduate degree from an Ivy League school, worked in the competitive field that I had always wanted to, and at an internationally renowned office.
I eventually ended up exactly where I wanted to be, it’s just that the path wasn’t linear. I don’t know if 18 year old me could have comprehended that…
34
Well said. Sorting out what matters most does contribute—in part—to the hyper-individualism of our day. But, it hardly helps to swing the other direction of passivity. So, this narrative and the response are just that: well said. The social forces that ascribe more value to specific institutions and the content within deserve some interrogation. But, more than that, the emotions of the young person are nonetheless as real as those forces. Allowing one's self to redirect and negotiate renewed, unknown-as-yet goals will be as painful as the rejections. There is no risk-free living.
2
I so loved this column. So much good advice for anyone trying to figure out how to make a life, how to develop self-worth, how to have meaning. There is not only one way to be a great scientist, a great teacher, a great doctor, whatever. No sense focusing on who is better than you at X, Y, or Z; instead, focus on how your particular suite of skills, interests, and experiences can make your contribution unique, which ultimately is likely to make it more impactful. Go!
7
I agree entirely, and I loved this piece; it was insightful, humane and wise. I have been involved with secondary and tertiary education for most of my working life, and these are the things I try to tell our students. Thank you to the author for expressing them so well and so compassionately. I look forward to sharing this column with our young ones.
3
I hope this student will go to the state school and continue to seek admission to the honors program while taking advantage of the opportunities there. I work at a very good law school. Some of our best students are admitted from the wait list.
9
I went to the honors program of the state university and several of my friends went there not in the honors program. Over 10 years out, I can honestly say it's made no difference to us in our career paths or life success. Being in the honors program wasn't an indicator of who went on to grad school or who got better/more fulfilling jobs. All it means now is that I have slightly more mail asking for alumni donations.
During school though, it made my life more difficult. It meant it was harder for me to have fun and enjoy college. I spent a lot more time worrying over my grades and thesis, as did everyone else in my dorms. There were fewer social opportunities for kids in the honors college, and I was really grateful to my high school friends for continuing to invite me to hang out.
12
One thing that is often a shock to many when they go to university is that, while they may have been a top student in their high school, once they reach university, they may be merely "average". I had this experience and it was an eye-opener going from achieving high marks without having to expend a lot of effort to having to learn how to study and prepare for exams! Some friends who'd had to spend countless hours studying and doing extra work to be B students made the transition much more easily - they already had the skills to excel in post-secondary institutions. I figured it out part way through my first year and took time off before returning to university to pursue a different major.
Ultimately, it seems that some people are much more focused on which school to attend rather than what they will study and learn. In many areas, the need for skilled trades can be much more lucrative and result in long term security than working in business or high tech.
11
@nvguy
This is exactly what I was going to post. I discovered that some of my high school classmates who were the top students, had a harder transition to college. In part this was due to not having developed the better study skills that students who were the successful "B" students had developed. Now some (many?) colleges do have support for better study skills, but that did not happen back then. I also agree that, for the most part, it does not matter a great deal from which college you get your degree.
7
After high school, my parents made me stay home for a year, citing my “immaturity.” (There were also financial issues, I now realize.) I was furious, resentful, and heartbroken, but I got a job, worked and saved, read a million books, traveled a bit, and was a stronger student and human when I finally got to college. I had real-life job skills, unlike most of my peers. And was strongly motivated to do well in my studies — much more so than I would have been directly out of high school, because my job had been fairly boring and I wanted to do better. Though I wasn’t happy about my “gap year,” it ended up being beneficial. Perhaps this student would benefit from a similar experience.
29
@Amanda Aikman
Do I have this right?
They were so averse to talk about money that they preferred to lay the whole blame on you? I'm sorry.
I'm very glad that your gap year was so successful.
4
Wise advice from one the nation's leading philosophers. The United States affords its youth an extraordinary array of opportunities. It is literally possible today to become anything from President of the United States to Nobel prizewinner to billionaire entrepreneur. The conundrum, which everyone will deal with their entire lives, is the state of competition. We all compete, whatever field we are in, and if our goals are to be the very best, we most certainly will be disappointed. I am about the age of Bill Gates and I am a few years older than Jeff Bezos and Barack Obama. One might say they are my peers, along with Hollywood directors, leading scholars and scientists and the CEOs of the largest companies in the world. It would be crushing to feel ashamed that I am not anywhere near these individuals in accomplishment, though my level of education and intellectual skills are equal to or many superior to some of them. It is very easy to feel sorry for oneself at any age. We can all feel like "losers." But we are not losers. We are ourselves.
21
My son went through something similar last year. he was a very good student (though he did let his grades slip a bit his Jr. and Sr. years -- still graduated with honors), scored in the 99th percentile on both the SAT and ACT, and had other positive qualifications on his resume, including being an Eagle Scout. He applied to a lot of highly competitive schools and was rejected by his top 9 choices. He was accepted only by an ancillary program at the University of Texas (under which he would spend his freshman year at a secondary campus and, if he maintained a not very demanding GPA, would be guaranteed transfer to Austin), Texas A&M, and George Washington University (my alma mater). He didn't think A&M was a good fit, and wasn't interested in spending a year at a secondary UT campus, so he chose GW. As his freshman year comes to a close, he loves it and is convinced that the stars aligned to land him in exactly the right place. The senior who wrote this letter should go to the state school. It might be a better fit than he or she thinks. If not, transfer to another school is always an option.
27
It's rejected BY, not rejected FROM. Ejected from, yes, but the student isn't there to be ejected.
I am wondering why, if the schools that accepted the student were "uncomfortable," with fewer desirable programs, the student applied to them at all?
4
School, at every level, not just college, is about individual relationships. These are about the teachers you interact with and the peers you develop friendships with. A large university, whether elite or not, at which a first year student may start with all large introductory classes (no class with less than 100 students) may not be the best place to develop these relationships. You can never know where you will meet the professor that inspires you to excel beyond what you may have believed to be your best ability. Or who introduces you to an area of learning that you didn’t know existed but that creates a path to a rewarding career. That teacher may be at an elite university or at a small community college. And the friendships you will make with people that will become spouses or business partners or support for future dreams, are totally unpredictable. Your life and career are what YOU make of them; don’t expect others (people or institutions) to create fulfillment for you, this is YOUR responsibility. Go to college, make your education your own.
4
I agree with the comments that the letter writer should not be deterred by the rejections, but I have another perspective as well.
Perhaps the most useful thing that was said to me during college was when I was told by my adviser that I should not go to graduate school right away because I did not really want it. I was doing because I did not know what to do with myself and if I went directly from undergraduate, I would just quit. I did not really want it. College is expensive and should not be done for lack of anything better to do.
If the letter writer feels, after serious consideration, that attending the state school would personally be a bad choice, the writer should plan to take a year to do something that would make a difference in the application and try again. In addition to doing the work, the writer should reach out to a school (or two) where the writer wants to go and make connections at the school. The son of a good friend took that path and was able to move from a rejection to an acceptance a year later. It is a very small school which made the path somewhat easier. We all know that connections with coaches can get someone into a college, it seems like faculty members should have some pull, too.
8
I was a faculty person for many years. Zero pull with admissions. I never even met anyone from the admissions office. If I’d known someone and been asked to write a letter of recommendation that might be different. And I wasn’t in a really small school.
1
Quit pouting. Is your goal higher education? Why don’t you subscribe to “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again?
6
It saddens me how many adults dismiss this student as "whiney" or lacking perspective. This person has spent 10+ years working towards a goal. Every night s/he didn't just binge watch TV, didn't go out partying, did the right thing, studied for the test, practiced for the team... years and years of cumulative effort. School has been her/his full time job. OF COURSE it's upsetting to work so hard yet not achieve a goal. And of course it's shaken his/her confidence and faith. To the writer: it's ok to lick your wounds for a little bit, but ultimately your mental attitude to this setback will determine your life: no personal trait is more important than resilience. Try to see this as a challenge. Go forth, kick butt, and make them sorry they didn't accept you.
53
To the letter writer: Since when does “happiness” have to do with any of this. And, how do you measure “happiness?” Bragging rights with your peers? Name of a school on a resume? Suck it up and be grateful for all of the opportunities you have which are far greater than most of human kind. Go to the state school, save you and your parents lots of money, excel in all you do, and go out and make a difference in the world.
11
We need to get over this obsession with getting into “elite” colleges. It’s become a sickness and reflects poorly on an open society because it suggests opportunity is defined by a decision made at a point in time on an unformed 18 year old. Admission to these schools has become a status symbol that parents and students wear like a rare diamond. For some, the goal is admission itself and learning while matriculated takes a back seat. Once admitted, the competition ramps up to getting into the right social organization. It goes on and on. Getting in to these schools has become a crap shoot for most. Making good on your potential wherever you attend is not. Excel in what you do and where you are and you will be surprised at how you might surpass those who at one point in time as an 18 year old seemed superior to you. But your attitude needs to change in order to flourish. And society has to get over its obsession.
13
Dear High School Senior:
I am decades older than you.
I'll try to post a comment that doesn't just paraphrase other comments here. You are an outsider to all the colleges you applied to - the ones you got into and the ones you did not. It is not possible for you to truly know or appreciate a college until you've experienced it from the inside as a student for awhile.
My opportunities in the 1970s were more limited than yours are. I attended a large, public university that was affordable and not terribly selective. It turned out to be an absolutely fabulous place to study. I was taught by Rhodes, Marshall, and Fulbright Scholars, and by graduates of Harvard, Oxford, Stanford, Cambridge, Berkeley, and the University of Paris. I had the chance to meet and attend lectures by Gloria Steinem, Edward Albee, Truman Capote (!), Peter Bogdanovich, Cicely Tyson, and Corin Redgrave. I studied in an honors program, most of which I loved but some of which I despised. It was an exciting and energizing five years of my life.
As a high school senior in 1972, looking at colleges, I had had no idea what this great university had to offer. Other colleges that were more difficult to get into, and much more expensive, offered nothing in comparison to the one I attended.
There are scores of universities such as this one across the United States today. They are more competitive now, but you would be a strong candidate for them.
11
It is tough to have dreams arbitrarily broken by others, but please realize that the college experience and the education you receive are entirely up to you. You may not have gotten into your "dream" schools, but go after your education as fiercely as you can. Honors programs are all very well, but so what? College is important, but basically in your whole life, a brief eye blink. Go out and celebrate that you CAN GO to college, that your education and experience can be first class at even a community college if you make it that way. Take charge of your life as much as you can, which often means how YOU deal with what happens. That's really the only secret to a happy life.
13
You say you will feel "deeply uncomfortable" at the nearby state university. Do keep in mind that's a prejudice made with incomplete information. You may get there and actually love it - make some good friends, find a club or association you enjoy, get close to a professor or two, try new things and enjoy some of them, and get on with life. Or not - but you'd run the same risk at a brand-name institution. You could get to the brand-name school, find none of the things I list here, and hate it. College is all about making new friends, starting to make some decisions on your own, and seeing the world in a broader context. Enjoy.
12
Our daughter was rejected by her two top choices, but was accepted by other(equally) good schools. The one she chose was once attended by a friend, who described it as "elite". Then she discovered that "elite" actually meant "do your handbags match all of your Uggs". She soldiered on and, during that 1st year, reapplied for transfer to the schools that had rejected her. One accepted her, she loved every minute of her 3 years there, and she graduated cum laude. Persistence and confidence in one's abilities pays off.
10
Reapply as a sophmore transfer student to your dream colleges while shooting for a 4.0 at the state school.
12
I had a similar experience, for different reasons, where I wound up watching all my friends go to their first choice schools while I tried to figure out what to do. State school? Take a year off? My mother was convinced if I did the latter, I'd never go, and the former made my stomach turn, too. Instead I moved to New York, to attend Hunter, which had an open admission policy, ergo no deadline to apply. I transferred out to my dream school for my second year, but, ironically, at that point, I had come to love Hunter. I also realized that most of what my fancy private college tuition money was paying for (and putting me in debt for) was showy and unnecessary flourishes like a gym I never used, landscaping, fancy dorm rooms, and other such amenities, NOT a better education.
What I did realize; however, was that at a public school like Hunter and the "dreamy" private school I ended up, one thing was the same: you got out of the experience what you put into it. At the time I displaced my disappointments and blamed the place: people were stupid at Hunter, I was better than this! I should be elsewhere! But then it was dumb rich kids who drove me crazy the next three years and made me long to be back at CUNY!
The grass might always feel greener. But, as many have said, getting into college is no reflection of your potential nor is it a prediction of your future. Be excited about whatever you elect to do, and put your all into it, and you will get just as much back.
18
Mr. Appiah did a great job explaining the college selection process. I immigrated to America from a country where college admissions were based solely on academic performance. So I was unprepared for the opacity of the admissions process in the U.S. when my older child applied. I was mystified when he was rejected by colleges that friends of his with less stellar credentials were accepted by.
My younger just sent in her deposit to a school that was high on her list, but not her top choice. But she and us were far more prepared this time about the process and she understood its randomness and also the fact that admissions officers consider applicants as statistics rather than distinct individuals when they are constructing their preferred class. So she’s shrugged off the fact that friends with weaker academic performance and fewer extracurriculars are going to higher ranked colleges.
The cause of the angst is the knowledge that what a student learns in college is often less important than the ranking of the institution. High rankings open doors, but as a friend says: “you can take both the elevator and the spiral staircase to the top floor”.
Some top ranked colleges turn away 90+% of applicants. I would guess that at least half the rejected applicants would be able to thrive at these schools.
This young person should understand that this isn’t the end of the world. The spiral staircase often results in a better long-term outcome than the elevator.
15
You're in a tough spot, but I have a couple of thoughts. I was concerned that some of my classmates from high school were going to my school, and a couple living in my dorm. They were acquaintances that I had had some conflict with, and I was concerned that it would be a problem. I think I saw them each 1 or 2 times in my whole freshman year, and those concerns were left far behind. College is so much bigger than high school, and you probably won't have to worry about your high school friends - it's likely you won't see them much. But the other thing to know is that college is a bit of a sorting machine. It takes hard work and effort to do well. And those lessons aren't always learned by students who excel in high school, sometimes with close parental supervision. They can either continue to need supervision, or fail gloriously. Also, I remember sitting with a group of students from my dorm, and somebody said "I was the valedictorian of my class", and as we went around the room, most students were in the top 10 of their high school class. The bottom half of the curve is gone, and it's a whole new ball game. So, go the the State school, make new friends, work hard, and if you want to transfer next year, or apply to the honors program, go ahead. But take this opportunity to branch out, be a better you, and learn about yourself. Good luck!
18
Young man, young woman -Don't worry about college rejection, or a job rejection. Keep plugging, show up for work. As others point out the US industrial complex is designed to milk you for all it can, because frankly, "you don't know better." In reality, every country I've visited and lived in milks their citizens. Now you must finish college , or start working now as a entrepreneur, as you can either take instructions or give them, and hanging out in Maui for a few weeks every couple of years ain't cheep. In hindsight , it's best to do things yourself. If you have reasonable knowledge, and an inquisitive desire, you can pretty much experience most places and many unique experiences in the world- because you have time on your side.
1
I have been there, and more recently than it seems many of these commentators. I am shocked by these comments. I know that the last thing I needed to hear when I was rejected from nearly every school I applied to was that "it's not about the school, but about you." The student is writing of the very real social consequences of failing to achieve what was expected. The pain of seeing my classmates celebrate their success while I withdrew into embarrassed silence is still with me. I ended up at a school I knew wasn't right for me, and I still have regrets. I am now in a graduate program at an Ivy League school, so sure, I suppose "academically" I was able to pull myself up, but socially and emotionally I am still devastated by those rejections, now 8 years ago. I never found a friend group I connected with, and now in my graduate program I feel acutely the difference between my undergrad experience and that of my peers. I wish this article and those commenting would really take a hard look at the myths and expectations American high schoolers are inundated with regarding undergraduate education. This is not about value judgments -- saying that a 4-year school is worth more than a CC (which I've also attended) or a trade school. The social and emotional stakes are much higher, and I think this moment deserves a little more empathy. And for those in the older generation, YOU are the ones who told this student (and their peers) that everything relies on university.
30
@Sky Oh gosh... you are still traumatized 8 years later because you were rejected by a variety of colleges? You are in an Ivy league graduate program and still suffering? Please. Many many Americans would be glad to have to bear the pain of being rejected by their top choice colleges and later going to an Ivy League graduate school. Is this satire? When you hear people stereotyping your generation as "entitled" please take a moment to glance at what you just posted and you will understand why. No, we don't have to empathize with whiny people who didn't get into their top school. We empathize with people who have actual problems like poverty, addiction, lack of health care, etc... not those who had to settle for a Maserati when they really really really wanted a Lamborghini.
14
@Sci guy I did not say traumatized, I did not say suffering. You are the one who is choosing to view my comment as some sort of whiney plea for accommodation. I said very specifically that I am not referring to value judgments, either. You also have no idea what my background is, so I suggest you don't assume. I don't believe I am entitled to any of this. I mentioned the ivy league not to brag but to corroborate the points everyone else was making- that the "caliber" of your undergraduate school doesn't have any bearing on your later path in life. Isn't that your point too?
Additionally, I spent years after graduating without health insurance, frankly the chance to get it again was a main motivating factor in returning to school for me. I'm not sure why you think higher education is completely unrelated to "real" problems.
But back to my original point, which you have purposely avoided: American schools flood children with rhetoric that says university is everything. Classes teach to standardized tests. Every grade is meant for the admissions officer and not for the student's actual progress. It seems rare that a school even knows how to advise a student that doesn't want to go to university, or should develop other talents. So again, what is the purpose of acting so callously when the entire framework an 18 year old has lived under comes crashing down? Accusing them of "whining" will only open a gulf you have obviously no interest in overcoming. I'm interested in solutions.
4
@Sky
I think you make good points. Many commenters are too far removed from the letter writer's situation to perhaps adequately relate to the emotions he or she is feeling. Rejection hurts, and when you're 18, it hurts incredibly, and it may feel like the end of the world to feel cast out from the world of your peers. I don't think anyone should mock this young person for "entitlement" etc. It is normal to feel grief stricken and alienated when well-laid plans fall through and it seems like all your friends are going forward without you.
But I also think that if you are you still "devastated" (you didn't say traumatized, but you did say you are still devastated, and feeling the rejection "acutely"), it is too long, eight years later. Perhaps it's partly you who can't respond objectively to the advice others are giving this young person. It does smack of entitlement to insist on your own pain after a rejection eight years ago, when you are in fact among society's elite in attending an Ivy League school. You need to somehow reconcile these pieces of your reality.
I realize you didn't ask for advice and may resent my unsolicited advice, but I'm writing in the assumption the letter writer will read all of this, and perhaps be aided in looking at all these pieces objectively. I think you're right to empathize with the student, and others are also right to chide you for nursing a resentment for too long. I'm also very good at holding on to resentments, so I know of what I speak.
1
I think this is hard and don't want to minimize your pain, but you can still get into the Honors program at the State School sophomore year, and a LOT of people also transfer to higher ranked schools after freshman year. Also, before you graduate High School, you might want to talk to your guidance counselor, as the might have some suggestions about improving your chances next time.
And, most importantly, you might like the State School....
6
To quote Steve Jobs in an addressing Stanford graduating class shortly before his death," Your time is limited so don't waste it living somebody else's life". So, the sooner one starts developing one's own brand vs hewing to somebody else's, the more fulfilled they will be.
Meanwhile, whatever institution they attend, they'll add to or detract from it depending on what they accomplish in life. After all, the first Stanford wasn't buying into a brand...
6
Short and sweet (and honest): get over it and succeed.
Whine, consider yourself a victim and fail.
I was admitted to an excellent school, and economic reverses to my family caused me to apply to and attend a good state University. I think that I did fine; academically, in my career and with my family. Also, I made a number of friends at college, and most significantly to me, half a dozen lifelong friends.
Part of, and lessons of life. Learn from it.
6
Two years in community college, completing prerequisites and gen ed classes is a good approach for many kids. The two years are transition time with more freedom but perhaps not the full away from home, thrown in the pool, approach.
The big problem is colleges and universities like to milk the freshman and sophomores by putting them in large classes with lower paid instructors. Some schools take no transfers. State schools should move to having a TAG (transfer accepted guaranatee) program at the four year schools to encourage this finanncial practical and humanly reasonable approach to college.
Too many kids pick college based on peer pressure and high school counselors who validate their existence by the acceptance of students and "prestige" schools. And many kids aren't ready for college, and perhaps need another path forward from high school. The system is the problem.
7
I'm in my 30s but relate to this student's post. I too was rejected from my top choices, including the honors program at the nearby state school. I ended up attending the state school anyway, because it was the best school I was accepted into, and was able to transfer into the honors program my sophomore year. While the rejections hurt, you have the advantage of starting your freshman year with a chip on your shoulder. Use it as motivation to work harder than your peers, and this work ethic can propel you to greater long-term success. Now in adulthood, I can see that things turned out just fine, and in many ways better for me than peers who were accepted into top schools. Feeling sad about the rejection is normal. Let the sadness run its course and come out stronger than you were before.
52
Dear “name withheld”,
In my experience as a university professor, the quality of your education will depend much more on you and what you put into it then on virtually any other factor. I trust you will find that there are many opportunities available to you, both at the school you will attend and other schools (summer research programs, professional internships, and the like). Surround yourself with like minded peers, seek out faculty that resonate with your interests and that are willing and able to make time for you. Don’t look inwardly too much - tough advice at the moment - and keep in mind that regardless of the blues you see now, you’re still (!) about to embark on a grand adventure of learning and self-discovery and new relationships. It’s going to be okay, great, even!!
-d
30
This is tough, emotionally, but at a point you need to move beyond that. The practical answer is that you go to whatever school you go to next year, and if you don't like it, you can always transfer. Please don't be your own worst enemy, though. Look for the positives and the opportunities, and be thankful that you were admitted somewhere and (I presume, because you don't mention it), that you can afford to attend. Comparing yourself to those more fortunate than you will always make you feel bad. Try comparing yourself to those less fortunate, and be genuinely thankful for your position.
14
I'm reminded of a book I read about Shackleton's trip to the South Pole. Instead he saved 28 crew members. What he showed was flexibility. I know at the moment that isn't what this young person wants to hear. How others did a lot with so very little. But let's face it we are all just a messy stew circling around the universe. Happiness,meanness,success and absolute failure coexist on this planet and it is shared.
I could tell you that some of those folks that were accepted won't finish. If that makes the sting better then just remember that. That would be just like waiting for help licking your wounds in a ship stuck in the ice. But you're not that kind of person. You write too beautifully for that. My advice is the same advice Shackleton and I took after not getting accepted in the school of my choice. I went to a smaller state school while still applying every year and I made it. I have two sets of wonderful college friends and memories that I share those years with. This isn't the end of the voyage it's going to be your dedication to your goal. That is a skill set none of those that got into honors college have to contend with...uncertainty, flexibility, failure and my favorite scrapping an idea and starting over. You're going to see the big picture not just yours.
7
Been there, done that in 1979. Accepted to ZERO choices due to a lousy case of ‘senioritis’. So, instead, I went to local university on Tues/Thurs taking freshman year pre-reqs and worked M/W/F while living at home still. Have a taste of both worlds. Began a new round of applications right away for the Spring semester, so schools have rolling admissions. Got into one I desired, packed my bags and went on Jan 1, 1980. Got my credits transferred. Never looked back.
9
Go to a trade school, we need skilled tradesman.
3
I cannot help but wonder if this letter was written
by the student in question. Having read many a
Freshman Essay - if it is by the student then that student
should have gotten into any College they applied to -
Honors Program to boot.
6
What a wonderful, authentic compliment to her, @John Brown! Totally on point.
1
I have been an alumni admissions volunteer interviewer for a well-known Ivy League university in the past 12 years or so. I have interviewed numerous extraordinarily bright young men and women, some of whose achievements were far beyond what I have done as a teenager. Yet not a single one got admitted. I am sure most of them will nevertheless found great success in their future careers, just not at the university of their choice. Don't get heart-broken about it, for there are a lot of random factors involved that have nothing to do with your own achievements or abilities.
22
There are lots of good additional options in the comments. Here is another. Identify the things that genuinely interest you and that you would like to pursue. They do not have to your life long passion, just strong interest. If you can find a way to pursue them at State U, consider that. If not, consider a gap year to either pursue these interests, or figure it out. But, do not do it without a very specific plan.
6
Get busy living.
2
Stop complaining. Go to community college. Prove yourself. Then transfer. You will save money and probably get a better education.
15
“If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you...”
“If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same;”
Read, reread Kipling’s poem IF. It gets you through the bad times.
16
Set your plan of action as follows:
1) Check out the acceptance rates for transfer students to the schools to which you originally applied and preferred (you’ll be surprised by the number who have stopped attending after one or two years and, consequently, by the schools’ acceptance rate of transfer applicants.)
2) Go to the “best” college (i.e., determined by parameters you have identified) which did accept you. Work hard and amass terrific grades.
3) If you still long for those other “preferable” schools, then, after your freshman or sophomore year, apply as a transfer student to the school(s) you identified in step one . You will be both amazed and rewarded.
12
I want to say that you're not alone. Five years ago, I was in the same situation that you are in now and I know how awful it feels. Your feelings are completely valid. It's rough. There's an intense external pressure to attend a college with a big name and a high rank and it's heartbreaking when you feel like you have no good options. But, it's going to be ok. You might have to fake being excited about it, you might have to ignore comments from friends about where they're going, and you might just have to grin and bear it for a while, but it'll be alright in the end.
I do have a few pieces of advice. First, it's fine the attend the state school fully intending on transferring. Do well while you're there, take the classes you need to and succeed at them, and apply to other schools. There's no shame in it whatsoever.
Second, there are some advantages to a state school versus a more "elite" university. A huge one is that a state school likely has a much stronger internship and research program. In looking for a job or at grad school, where you went for undergrad doesn't matter as much as you'd think. What does make an impact is intern and research experience (from what I've seen).
Finally, if you do end up staying at the state school, take full advantage of it. Graduate in three years, join an interesting club, take part in greek life, play an intramural sport. Get out of your comfort zone, that's what college is about.
Best of luck, I'm rooting for you!
38
I went to the only state school that accepted me to major in business, in my 3rd year I changed my major to photography and ended up going to 2 different art schools ending up with my BA in photo. The purpose of college is to discover who you are and what excites you. That can happen at any college you may choose. It’s a journey and an opportunity to go to college wherever it may be. Don’t worry about the other classmates and their plans.
13
I encourage the LW to attend the college where s/he was admitted. As disappointed as you are, it is an enormous learning opportunity. While there, break out of your comfort zone. Do things that will stretch your vision of who you are and what you’re capable of. Work hard, make friends and get involved with school and cultural events. All that being said, it’s great to have goals and I certainly don’t think you should sell yourself short. If it means that much to you, reapply to your dream schools as a transfer student. I have a feeling your applications will stand out from the pack. Best of luck to you!
7
Instead of reiterating what everyone knows about college admissions, the Ethicist should have instead addressed the core issue here: the entitlement felt by the rejected student.
Most people DON'T get into most of their college choices. What did the students do that was different? Work harder? Test better?
Why did the student choose to apply to schools "with fewer accredited programs for what I want to do?" Did he/she do any research, or randomly choose a bunch of schools?
This is good reality check: most of us will be rejected, whether from colleges, jobs, promotions, publishers, sports teams, or potential mates...you name it.
Many people don't get to go to ANY college. So my advice: go to the state university, where you will find a new social circle, do well in your classes, prove yourself, and move on. If you do well, you can aim for a prestigious graduate program.
12
What is all this rationalizing, instead of practical advice? The young person is trying to be their best self despite grief, envy, and embarrassment. Well done, young person.
Please allow me to focus on one sentence, young person, because you appear to know how to save yourself from a terrible mistake. I chose the cheap state university near home without any honors or other way to identify fellow intellectuals. That decision deprived me of the milieu in which my best self could develop — which I learned only by doing well enough to get into competitive top-ranked graduate schools.
So take a gap year and use it to find qualification for the kind of school you wish to attend. There are placement services to help people like you find realistic great fits you’ve never heard of. Achieving an assertive but strategic do-over will help you with much more than college.
Good luck.
13
Actions usually resolve some of this student's emotions and contain many life lessons he/she will need to polish over life. Let me suggest:
- Ask the Honors program that rejected you what you should do to increase your chance of transferring from another school and what they saw lacking in academic training. Ask via a letter and request a call at a set time in advance. They may not reply. Ask a professor in the honors program in your area of interest the same question and initiate interest in your shared area of study.
- Admission is about access but after that you earn an education. If you go to the state school, pick the best courses and work hard. Get to know the profs and TFs. Start early with a summer course to accelerate. Find an academic niche in that your program of interest.
- College is not about moving through with your cohort of friends. It is about adding new friends and experiences. Sad you won't share the program. Not better or worse, just different paths. Admission is random.
- My advice to all college students. Double major. It will make you more employable. Career changes are endemic so it allows more later options.
- If your really hate the idea of the state school and want to do a "do over", delay a current admission (safety) and go study a language for a year. Pick one useful to career and graduate needs. Do German in Germany or in some growing job market, not the language everyone is taking in vogue.
9
Maybe the student would benefit from reading this Times article about Harvard Business School graduates who end up miserable with their work life. Seems those who didn’t get the “best” jobs learned to be more resourceful, resulting in more joyful lives.
https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2019/02/21/magazine/elite-professionals-jobs-happiness.html
6
As Cher said in Moonstruck!, Snap out of it! This is not the last time in your life you will be disappointed, so make some decisions about a constructive way to move forward and not be undone. Where you go to college, in the long run, doesn't really matter, as others have pointed out. It's what you do with the time, education and opportunities you have that matters, and how resilient and flexible you are in the face of change, disappointment and the unexpected. Some of the smartest, most successful people went to undistinguished colleges and flourished, and some of the lowest, dumbest, most reprehensible people on the planet (you know who I mean) graduated from Ivy League schools (like Wharton). So buck up, and welcome a new adventure.
19
@BKB: Wharton keeps taking showers and scrubbing , but can't shake that soiled feeling of taking wealthy Daddy Fred's money...
I went to my third choice college. I loved it; I flourished there academically and socially. You might check out NYT writer Frank Bruni's Where You Go is No Who You'll Be. I think if you're academically minded and take the classes as the serious opportunity to learn that the are, you can flourish anywhere. I'm a college professor now at a state school and, I must say, a damnned good one along with 90% of my colleagues. We are dedicated to our students, to their educational experiences and we are also, many of us, leaders in our fields and teaching award winners as well. College itself is the experience, if you are open to mining it.
10
Great news: you've been handed a challenge that your peers have not. You have to figure things out for yourself. So time to go to plan b. Gap year? Go to local community college, ace the grades, and then move on to one of your dream schools. Or sit down and reconsider what your actual dream school is.
Now, I really feel sorry for all these kids who have so much pressure put on them to achieve and conform. Know what college counseling I got? My guidance counselor handed me the directory of colleges, looked at my grades, and said start with highly selective and then selective. Don't go beyond that unless there is a special program you are interested in.
4
Get used to getting rejected. It's going to happen. A lot. And your helicopter/snowplow parents may not always be around to make it better for you. Rejection, in itself, is a great tool so stop whining and use this as a learning experience for future reference.
6
"I was accepted into a good state university close to home, from which one of my parents graduated"
Sounds like a terrific opportunity!!
Don't think of College as branding, think of it as a chance for a good education---focus on asking peers for recommendations for courses and professors, not easy As but thought provoking opportunities to learn---focus on the opportunities that you are given.
As for rejection, I once saw a quote from a Harvard admissions officer that they could admit an entire class, put the admitted people aside, return to the applicant pool, admit another class, and the new class would be just as good.
So, don't think of rejection as rejection, now get on with an opportunity to meet new friends and to learn amazing things!
6
It is blindingly clear to any student applying to college whether or not they have a good chance of being accepted. The data and science around it are available to all and there is little to no mystery in the process. If this student did not want to see what was obvious before applying, then that is a shame. This reads like a personal reckoning long overdue. We see that a lot (work at a HS.)
8
@MelanieQ
I completely agree. Too many people talk about college admissions as though it were random - it is not. Too many applicants are ignorant, sometimes willfully, about their chances of getting admitted.
Then again, too many people profit from perpetuating the myth that the admissions process is opaque and unfair.
4
@Cousy
It has been said,
by even those who do the admitting,
that Harvard/Stanford could have admitted
four different freshmen classes and
had just as "worthy" Freshmen
class as they actually admitted.
Given that, the process is
inherently opaque and un-fair.
4
The thing about fancy schools is that very few of us ever had any chance of acceptance. When I applied to a dozen or so of them, I did so knowing full well that I probably wouldn’t get into any. Would I have been thrilled to be accepted? Of course, but I didn’t count on it. Instead, I also applied to a good school that I knew beyond a doubt would accept me. Rather than calling this my ‘backup’ plan, it was more accurately my primary plan with a big ‘unless I get into somewhere better’ at the end. This is an important distinction because it allowed me to recognize that my own qualifications were not (probably) enough to get into the elite, but that was OK. It’s better to be realistic and plan for the best course of action open to you rather than pinning all your hopes on winning the “I’m the best” award.
In the end, I got waitlisted at one of the fancy schools and accepted right away to the not-so-fancy school. I decided not to pursue the waitlist, which would have meant writing all sorts of letters and essays and still maybe not getting in, and instead immediately accepted the offer I was given. Some 8 years later I can safely say, I’ve never regretted it.
18
I am sorry you are going through this difficult time. I have two quick suggestions:
1. Take a gap year. You will allow yourself time to reconsider your options, gain interesting experiences, save money, and create interesting plans for next year that will make you happy.
2. Go to a non-dream school for a year, get good grades, and transfer to a dream school the following year. Schools are much more accepting of transfer students.
No matter what, you are not where you go. Stay strong and good luck!
18
I was just about to make the same comment. Try one of the non-dream colleges and then transfer if you really want to after a year. But you might well discover that you like the college especially since you will be surrounded by classmates who are probably glad to be there. Your life is not in ruins and you can find a good education at many many colleges that are not famous. It’s hard at your age to accept the life experiences of those who are older than you but the Ethecist is correct that this will not derail your future success, if anything it will make you more resilient because life will always throw you curves. It’s OK to feel sad and upset, but you will get through this!
4
Take the acceptance of the best college that accepted you. Don't worry about the programs offered. Most freshmen change their minds after a semester or two about the program they want. Face the challenge of living far from home, if that is what is holding you back from accepting the best of the worst.
Take the hardest courses available to you, with the most-educated, most-qualified professors. Make top grades.
Go through the application process all over again each semester until you find an opening where you want to go.When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
13
@bobi
Great advice!
Never accept defeat!
Attend the state university close to home.
Make top grades.
Re-apply to your top 3 choices.
4
Fabulous answer. It must seem like the end of the world for students facing this issue. This was a lovely answer, and the story about Zusha gave me chills. I went to the college I wanted to attend, but there have been so many times since graduation that I questioned other choices I made. I compared and despaired, and it was such a waste of energy!
This article is a nice reminder that "the race you’re running has only one competitor, and it’s you."
16
Why did you apply to so many colleges that you're unwilling to attend? For each acceptance you received, another applicant was denied admission to a school that they might actually have wanted to attend. Whether the decisions were yours, your guidance counselor's, or your parents', had you applied only to schools that you were actually willing to attend, you would be less unhappy today, and other people might be happier with their choices.
24
@College Alum
Is this the time to critique this person's approach to applying to college?
6
@Allan
Yes, this is the time for critique. That may sound harsh, but it sounds like denial and ignorance are the core problems here. I'm sorry that this student is disappointed, but learning from mistakes is the best way to make progress as a human being.
5
huh? This isn't an ethical question... there's no moral dilemma here.
Being disappointed at how things in one's life turn out is not a matter of ethics. It's a matter of maturity. Sorry to hear you're disappointed... now grow up.
26
There’s something to be said for being a big fish in a small pond. You may not have gotten into the more selective schools, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be a super star who takes advantage of every opportunity at the school you end up attending. Colleges is a gauntlet of choices - you’re constantly presented with opportunities for involvement, advancement, and exploration. Take a good, hard look at the opportunities available at your new school (could you be president of the student body? a research assistant for a professor? a contributing writer on the school newspaper?) and make some lemonade out of those lemons! Good luck!
13
I have almost never known anyone to go to the “wrong” college (unless it is a very rigid religious place where your freedom is restricted). Most people end up loving their college — and whatever the place. The teachers probably know something you don’t know, so there is tons to learn.
Your goal can be to do great there and then transfer.
Regarding “brand name” colleges — this is not important for undergraduate degrees. It is, however, important for some professional schools like law school, where your school affects your prospects. Not so for a BA.
I hope you live on campus and dive in to college life. Being away from home will be exciting enough.
And it is true what the column says: College admissions is like a lottery. It’s a mystery.
But this “good college” syndrome is a snare and it is inaccurate and twists a lot of people up in unnecessary knots. Have fun and do good! It will be an amazing adventure once the Senior Year rat race is behind you!
5
A better beginning would be gratitude for the opportunity to go to a 4 year college at all, and the gift of money concerns being absent from first-line worries. Along with your own personal place in the rarified world of extreme priveledge, you seem to have missed entirely your leg up on most students.
19
@CDM
Amen.
Understandable to be so disappointed and grieve your "loss". But wallowing in self-pity gets you absolutely nowhere.
Thinking about your rejection only attracts more rejection.
Instead, think about the proactive steps which will get you what you want.
1) Accept that great state university offer
and work hard to get the best grades possible.
2) Re-apply to your desirable colleges.
3) Volunteer to work with "truly needy" people...not only will such experience set you apart from other applicants, it may change your life.
3
You have a lot of time to get over your disappointment before the fall. 100% stinks you did not get into your choice schools but honestly make the best of the opportunity you have. You may find you really like the school and find your niche. Life surprises you and believe me what college you go to truly doesn't matter down the line in life. I went 12 years ago and it seems like a lifetime ago and not once has what school I went to been brought up in any setting since then.
4
Or instead of massaging your feelings on the subject by reading an ethics essay, you could try to solve the problem: attend a city/community/junior college for two years for a fraction of the cost and transfer out after doing your lower division coursework. That’s what I did when I failed to get into my school of choice and I ultimately got into the school I originally desired. My wife went that route too for different reasons. Some universities even have partnerships with community colleges and you can get a transfer admission guarantee if meet certain grade and course requirements. This provides a significant minimum quality level in your fallback schools.
The only caveat here is I’m not sure how effective the community college route is outside of California. I’ve heard that our system is somewhat unusual but I don’t know if it’s true.
3
Wow! You got into SOME of the schools you wanted, but you're still unhappy?
My son, who is very smart and hard-working, got into NONE of the colleges he wanted, and got waitlisted at our state university. He did get into a good school far from home, though, and he said yes. Then he learned that he didn't get into the program he wanted as a freshman. So, he worked really hard in his freshman year and got into that program in his sophomore year. Then he worked really hard for three more years, graduated on time, and landed a good job. Along the way, he made a lot of friends, had a lot of new experiences, and became extremely happy with the school he attended.
As I've told my kids many times: It doesn't matter where you go to school. What matters is that you're reasonably happy there and you can learn what you want to learn.
171
College is a time of tremendous growth, intellectually and as a person. The writer should embrace her opportunity to attend college and try to make the most of what that university has to offer, regardless of what others are doing. She will probably find that those she considers her friends will no longer be friends and she will make new ones. And the path she choses may end up not being the path she embraces because mid way through school she might find her passion.
11
@AV
Since the middle name is Anthony, the student is probably a "he." And I've always known Kwame to be a male name as well. ;)
1
The reason that many CEO's do not have Ivy pedigrees is that they have technical degrees from state schools - usually engineering.
The great thing about technical education is that solving ODE's is the same at Harvard as it is at UNC.
There is no surer path to running a company or satisfying and challenging employment - especially for young women - than a technical degree.
16
The question was, how can the writer be happy for peers/friends while suffering a deep disappointment? This is a good question that we all face throughout life - why am I still unmarried? Why can’t I have a child? Why did I get laid off?
Young writer: I did not have the impression that you are disappointed that you are not “better than” your friends - I’m not sure why the answer focuses on that issue. I understood that you had felt that you are the same as your peers, and now you feel less than.
What will truly set you apart is your response to this setback. And I am honoring your situation as a “setback” because you (and you are not alone) are the victim of a ridiculous process of college admissions. We tell students that the path to the college of their dreams is constant study, x number of AP classes and SAT IIs, relentless test prep, volunteerism, participation in school and league athletics, etc - only to console disappointed students every April that it was really a crapshoot all along.
So, be happy for your friends, and focus on this as an opportunity for adventure. Your friends’ journey is not yours. Take a gap year. Try the state school for a year and get involved in something you’ve been interested in but never made time for. Apply to an overseas university (admissions are rolling through the summer, and tuition is affordable). Good luck!
101
This high school senior's whiney disappointment and the response to it are both symptomatic of the decline of American society and its current obsession with enforced equality.
College admissions, just like virtually every other valuable commodity, are competitive. This particular senior did not compete as well as his or her peers. Modern life is filled with opportunities to win or lose, and this person needs to learn to confront that reality. But instead this person is being consoled, told that he or she was probably the victim of privilege-based discrimination and, worst of all, told that competition is wrong and those who succeeded won a false victory.
Our country is declining because we are being out-competed by other nations. Meanwhile, our entire public policy dialogue has devolved into a discussion why and how all forms of competition should be eliminated or softened in favor of pan-societal mommy rules and participant trophies. It's no wonder the world is eating our lunch.
19
@AR Clayboy
I do not disagree with the underlying premise of your comment. But extending it to the college admissions process is a stretch. Once you exclude the top fifty +/- most competitive schools (of thousands), the balance of schools’ processes involve as much subjectivity and luck as it does merit (and even the top fifty do too, to a degree). What I would say to the writer is that the nature of college is you can get a mediocre education at MIT and a great education at your local community college. The nature of college is you get out of it what you put into it.
7
@AR Clayboy
Wow. You attack a teenager for feeling disappointed in his/herself without questioning why the adults in our society put so much pressure on these young people? The answer to you is more competition? Spoken like a person who has had every opportunity handed to them and now can not see that there are less available for younger people. I don't think this student was saying that they deserved anything. They were saying that they are devestated by not reaching the goals they set for themselves and that society tells them makes them worthwhile.
16
@AR Clayboy. Admission to college and/or private high schools certainly has a big component of luck and built in factors that are not related to academic success, and I say this as someone who feels she lucked out in thi. It is simply not a purely meritocratic process. So I don't think this is whiny at all. I wonder about what sort of unexamined leg up in life you have that you are choosing to ignore.
6
Dear Student,
I run the Honors Programs for a college and, over the years, I’ve encountered a great many students who confess to me that our school was not their first choice. Similarly, I’ve interviewed many who tell me they intend to transfer to another school after a year or so.
Fortunately for my college and my students, three-quarters of the students who make such confessions end up staying with us and truly enjoying and benefiting from their college experience. So, what makes the difference for them? What causes them to stop feeling the way you’re feeling?
They fully engage with the opportunities and experiences offered at my college. They consciously decide to give this college an honest chance and treat it as though it was a first choice. They get involved, make new friends and try new things, and choose their own, new adventures rather than looking to those of their friends or their previous plans.
Take a second look at those colleges farther from home. Imagine what it would be like to embark on new adventures at one of those where you can begin fresh without comparing your experiences to those of your current friends.
If one of those schools considered in this different context sparks your interest and makes sense economically, go! If once you’re there, the Honors Program looks like a fit for you, apply!
What’s coming is *your* adventure - not your current friends’ or a comparison to theirs - and you’ll be happiest if you fully embrace that.
Good luck!
73
Take a gap year and reapply! I spent a year between high school and college serving with AmeriCorps, and it transformed my life and my values system. Although I had already gotten into college and deferred for the year, I'm sure that most colleges look favorably on those who serve (in fact, many offer scholarships specifically for former corps members).
29
And, that’s why we educators recommend including a safety school, a high admission school you wouldn’t mind going to, should all first choices fail.
That’s what I did 50 years ago, but back then UCSB wasn’t a top 25. I don’t even think it was a top 250.
10
"You can't always get what you want, you can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need...."
8
Even back then, nobody had a reason to cry over spending four years in the sun and sand ! And the TRULY wise ones did ! You were what of your time !
Congratulations on acceptance to college(s) and chin up. You are beating yourself up and thinking way ahead. Your State school may very well offer you lots of opportunities, even if you are not in that Honor's program. You are not less than your peers who were accepted into the Honor's program. Many of us have stumbled along the way until the right fit came along. You will find your niche even if it means transferring or heck, you may like it, and go to an awesome grad school. College is a big deal when you are seventeen and heading out, but it is also a stepping stone in a much bigger picture. You can only control so much and it seems like you want to control it all right now, and you can't. So, as I said at the beginning, chin up. You've got a good head on your shoulders - you're thinking and planning. Why not just sit back and immerse yourself in your undergraduate education - take some challenging classes (but don't overwhelm yourself), a cool elective here and there, mix it up. You may find more freedom not being in the Honor's Program.
19
@LM. All good points. Another thing to note is that the freshman year away from home is very difficult for most students. Being close to home so you can take a weekend break from campus challenges can be a life saver. Freshman all take mostly required general studies courses so not getting into your preferred program hardly matters. This isn’t the end of your hopes and dreams, this is the beginning of the choices that will shape how you move forward. Choose to thrive, problem solve, rise to the challenge. There are so many paths to a successful life.
8
The difference in a state school between honers and regular can have many aspects that the young person does well to respect.
AmeriCorps and the Peace Corps (as long as they continue to be funded) are an excellent way to gain non-academic experience, learn about lives different from your own, and even gain a bit of funding for eventually going to college. All many of those programs require is a high school diploma.
4
This senior's plaintive cry is typical of the attitude to college today. It's the "badge" that matters, not the achievement. Getting the right badge, even if you are not suited to the rigors of the particular study, is more important than pursuing a future compatible with your ability.
The student should go to the next best option at a state university, and re-examine their objectives after the first year.
25
@Daedalus
As a college admission official of many years, I agree 100% with everything you wrote!!
8
@Daedalus - okay, but this student just discovered, at least interpreted, that what she thought was compatible with her ability isn't. That's a big let down, and it has nothing to do with a badge. Rather than being ridiculed, you might try some constructive advice.
5
@Daedalus. Not being accepted to a school and not being suited to the rigors of a school are two very different things. That is the nature of the admissions process. I don't think you can conflate this student's disappointment with being a superficial desire for a 'badge'.
5
I'm sure everyone has heard that it's not where you start but where you end. In academics that applies 100%. I finished 2-1/2 years community college and three years in the US Army before I finished a degree at a "prestigious" school. It had room for a transferring junior because so many sophomores had flunked out. For the rest of my life I never talked about the famous university from which I graduated unless asked. But if I was questioned and mentioned it I was always met with an approvingly respectful raised eyebrow. Success is always staring you in the face. Try not to blink.
38
When it comes to college, for most young people the journey outweighs the goal.
2
A pedantic answer in the guise of erudion.
9
I am intrigued by one bit of information in the letter:
but all the schools I was accepted to are very far from home, with fewer accredited programs for what I want to do.
The letter writer "wants to do" something, but we don't learn what that is. This means the letter writer is already ahead of their peers; most 17-year olds have no idea what they want to do.
I suggest focusing on that. Is this goal something for which one must have a university degree? Then follow that advice of sucking up the local college for two years and then transferring.
Or is that goal something that one could actually get an entry level job in? If that is the case, I suggest putting off college, and diving into that goal. You may find you love it, or you may find you hate it. If the latter, you won't find yourself deep in debt for something you hate.
Good Luck, things work out. Try not to worry about where you are in relation to your peers. You are on your own path.
6
How is this an ethical question?
14
I summarize this column by telling folks “I’m an Associate Professor at a medical school I couldn’t get into.”
369
@Phil Kinsler
Haha.. Great line!!
3
not everyone needs to go to college.
7
Friend of mine worked in alumni relations for a while in the 80s and 90s for Hobart and William Smith. She would meet multi-millionaires who had been wildly successful who would start their interviews with “You know, Hobart wasn’t my first choice.”
Listen to the last song in Rent
There’s only now
There’s only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss.
9
...and what about the other schools he/she was accepted to? You applied to them and got in. Oh, they are "too far from home". Sounds like a poor reason to turn down those acceptances. Spread your wings and make it happen!
8
Travel and see the world- -perhaps Merchant Marines 2-4 years. You'll be amazed what you will learn, see and accomplish. You'll be reenergized, smarter, wiser and well traveled. Remember, life is a marathon and those 2-4 years experience will be life changing.
3
The only thing I'd add to all the heartfelt thoughts expressed by the Ethicist and his commenters: my experience has been that the impressions 18-year-olds have about individual colleges based on their college visits tend to be *extremely* unreliable.
Places that look like they were built *just for you*... weren't. Places that look like somewhere big and sterile where you'd never thrive... maybe, maybe not. In both cases, the small community you find within the broader community can transform your view of a place (for better or worse).
10
Your crushed. You not only didn't get your ideal choices but feel inadequate about your state school acceptance as others got into the Honors Program there. You are feeling inadequate. First of all, congrats upon that acceptance. I am sure there are those who were counting on the state school as their first choice and didn't get accepted! There will always going to be others who do better than us and others who do fair worse. The key is not to lose your confidence. It's OK to be disappointed but not punish yourself. How you approach your next step will say more about you than the college to where you have been either accepted or rejected.
10
This is an education in itself, albeit an exhausting one to simply get into what a student may want in a college.
4
Dear Student -
I see 3 options for you at this point. First, some schools do accept late applicants. Is there a good, alternative private school that you would consider? If so, you might want to check into their late admissions policy. And, if you happen to know an alumnus or alumna, it couldn't hurt to have that person write a letter to the school on your behalf. Second, take a year off, give all of this some thought, and re-apply next year. That's not that unusual these days for high school grads, and I've heard that a lot of colleges respect that kind of decision. Third, go to the state school and forget about the honors program. You can even try transferring after a couple of years.
6
To the letter writer: please accept my gratitude for writing in, because I think your story is a cautionary tale for future college applicants.
Don't apply to any college that you know in advance that don't want to attend!
It's shocking to me how many seniors are left with options they don't want, as though some authority assigned them that school at random. One girl told me that the school she got accepted to isn't in a city (it wasn't in a city when you applied!).
Do the work in advance to know whether a college is right for you: academically, geographically, financially. Don't apply only to "reach" schools. Don't let other kids play an outsize role in your perceptions of colleges.
Parents, take note.
64
Define your interests if you can.
Go to the school that gives you the best overall background (and a taste in your area of interest, if you can).
Apply yourself and do well. Choose challenging (not impossible) introductory courses, many of which may be offered in the schools you wish to attend, that have some rigor.
Apply early in your first year to the schools you want--perhaps more--to transfer as soon as either they permit applications or you have your first full grading period or both, with a view toward going to one of those schools for your sophomore year.
In those applications, write earnestly and with specifics about that school, why you want to go there, and you have wanted to go there for some time including your prior applications.
Building your future now does not have to wait. If you accept the situation, it is the first step to turning it to your advantage. And remember: you were successful; people saw you are good. Now you can show other people too.
Life is a process and a journey, not a race. Good luck.
We're rooting for you.
6
@Banjol
Also, build your vitae as much as possible at that local university . . . can you take any honors courses? Join a musical ensemble? Intramural athletics? Writing columns in your area of interest for the student newspaper? Become active in organizations/clubs that interest you, eventually becoming an officer if you can. Pursue study abroad opportunities, etc., etc. . . .
Good experience for post-college networking in pursing these kinds of activities, as well.
2
@Anthony Lis
Anthony offers excellent suggestions.
I would only add: for purposes of transfer, focus on those courses in the Fall that the transfer schoo(s) might value (extracurriculars may not have the same weight).
Study the catalogs and get in touch with each school--to tell them you really want to come and to find out, in advance, what it important to them on a transfer application.
Do not rule out transfer second semester sophomore year--the goal is to get there. second-semester sophomore transfers are less frequent, but students drop out anyway during 1st semester.
At your current school, ask for advice about transfer strategy.
The only really big mistake you can make is to beat up on yourself, and let that blunt your pro-action. Go get it.
We're rooting for you.
5
"...Mourning all the things that didn’t turn out in your college-admissions season, you say that you can’t see yourself thriving in any school that has accepted you. Don’t trust that intuition for a moment. If acceptance from elite colleges is hard, self-acceptance can be harder..."
In an otherwise unhelpful piece, this is terrific advice. I will remember this.
6
The most important lesson I learned as a young adult is this: it's not the college that matters, it's what you do with the college. A young adult has to partner with the school to get the education desired, not just passively soak up what the college feeds them. The one exception to this lesson is if you are choosing a college for resumé prestige and elite career contacts. Then the college matters.
9
The best piece of advice a swim coach ever gave my daughter: unless you’re Michael Phelps, someone is going to swim faster than you. Focus on swimming your best race.
179
It is understandable that students who can achieve admission to top-tier colleges, and whose parents can afford to send them there, would seek to attend them. It is equally reasonable that at an age when peer pressure and self-perception are both influencers on one's identity, that seeking the imprimatur of a Harvard or Yale brand stamp would be a potent motivator.
Failure, or a sense of failure, can be a disappointment, but there is a reason for axioms about getting back on the horse and living to fight another day. To employ another bromide, we can't always choose the cards we are dealt, but we can choose how to play them and how to control our own playing fields and destinies by focusing on developing our own brand rather than an institutional one.
I've known graduates of premier institutions who complained endlessly about the fact that graduate students taught many of their classes, while the luminary professors of rank and reputation at those universities and colleges devoted their time and abilities to other endeavors. In short, it's not always the case that the obvious value of an institution's brand itself translates into real intellectual or even educational benefit.
There are many ways to achieve success. Clearly, education is one of them. But so, too, can disappointment be a valuable teaching moment, and the lessons it provides, coupled with one's own efforts, can be far more determinative of success in the long run than a transitory brand alone.
11
Sometimes it seems people have gotten everything they want, only to end up miserable. My daughter recently graduated and was an honor student with many prizes and awards. But the cost to her happiness and self esteem were tremendous. She was a shell of herself at the end of four years. I only regret that she concealed her anxiety and depression from me. If I had known I would have encouraged her to take time away from school and just work and live at home. She is recovering some of her old spirit slowly. But I can assure the student in this article that "success" is only worth it if it brings you happiness.
110
A beautifully written letter, and an equally stirring response. This was just what I need to read with my morning tea.
Thank you!
26
Also consider that a solid undergrad education at a less expensive state school may make it easier to afford a post-graduate degree.
189
Don’t give up now! Keep learning, keep striving, keep moving forward. Easier said then done but believe me, as the years go on, you will judge yourself by only one metric - at the time, with the information to me, did I give it my all? If you can say yes, you’ll be at peace with yourself and more content.
5
Dear Student:
Life has many paths, have faith, curiosity and try one path. If it doesn't work, try another life path.
Do not regret, is a waste of time. You have the fountain of youth!
Reinvent yourself, that is the key to a happy, sane and prosperous life!
17
Great response
12
When I was young and less emotionally mature and balanced than I am now, I was rejected from 5 programs within a course of a month, the last one landing square on my 21st birthday. I allowed myself to be sad for a while, and then I said to myself, "I am going to make sure I find a way to laugh about this by the time I turn 25." That was the moment I really grew up. Life dealt an almost straight A student (in the honors' program at an excellent state school) what I perceived to be an unfair hand. Now I realize it was the best thing that could have happened. Although I did not know it then, I was headed into a field that would have never brought me real joy. On a lark, I moved out to California, enjoyed my early 20s, ended up last-minute applying to another graduate program in a completely different field. Fast forward almost 20 years, and I am happy as can be in my career and life. I thank my lucky stars every day that the admissions committees, fate, whatever you call it had the wisdom to redirect me to the life I was meant to live. Rejection is not easy, but it often leads to you becoming a more self-actualized person. How you deal with let down now helps set the stage for the many times you will be let down. I know you will be strong enough to get through it. Turn inward. You already know the "right" answer for you. You just have to stop feeling bad for yourself and grab the bull by the horns, so to speak.
122
A few observations, as a faculty member at a “top 20” university for many years:
Many of our highest ranked faculty attended little- known (sometimes very little known) undergrad colleges. This was sometimes followed, not always, by graduate schools with more recognition in their specific field.
Some of our most outwardly successful graduates were rejected by countless graduate programs, which likely allowed them to stand out and seize more professional opportunities in lesser-known programs.
Having myself attended a couple of “brand name” schools: graduating from such places did not in any way unlock future success for a good many classmates.
The state school (where the letter-writer will enroll) will have talented faculty members worth seeking out, who may serve as important mentors, while many faculty at a “brand” school may be invested most in their PhD students, depending on the place.
Having also served many times as a competition judge: There’s an arbitrariness to the proceedings (numerical averaging of votes) that is invisible to the applicants. The selection process does not always reward talent.
46
HOW is the first question an ethical one??? I am legitimately confused.
7
@TK She was asking how she can be happy for her classmates who did succeed in getting into their top-choice schools, while simultaneously mourning the fact that she did not. I do not think this question was answered, though.
To add my 2 cents. I'd suggest she take the lonely high road. Congratulate each of them in the manner she would expect to have been congratulated had she had their outcome. Save the tears for journals and intimate family and friends. Eventually she will find her baseline.
Unfortunately, she, like many high schoolers, is led to believe that the college you attend or are accepted to defines your worth in these United States. We have to stop giving kids this illusion. Sure, a degree from a prestigious U can be helpful, but it has never defined anyone.
19
This senior can always spend one or two years at a school they got into and then transfer to another one.
8
@Cynthia exactly. For a lot of people, the opportunity to spend time at another school helps them adapt to an environment with higher expectations
5
EM Forster: “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
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@LNT
Determinism? What will be will be? That's terrible advice.
1
@Ed Needn't be read as determinism or predestination. "The life we have planned" can, as with this student, be a rigid set of expectations (proper school, proper job, etc.) whereas "the life that is waiting for us" contains all the other possibilities, those that Prof. Appiah is pointing towards.
35
@Ed. Determinism? Fate? Nothing of the kind. But it is recognizing that a path we can't take does not mean that a new one won't provide us with the fulfillment we are seeking.
22
If you really think you will not be happy at any of your options, could you take a year off and reconsider where is within reach and you would like better? Work, volunteer, explore options, maybe take junior college classes?
Not everyone finds the place for them or is ready to go to college at 18 and that’s OK. Don’t go just anywhere because that’s what nice people’s kids from nice schools do.
Somewhere there is a school that really wants, and is a good fit for, people like you...figure out where that is and apply for next year.
9
Dear Young Person, please let the experiences of a very old man, age 78, serve as a comfort and encouragement to you.
Please, please, do not let early rejection or failure diminish your drive to succeed.
At age 18, in 1958, I registered in a local "Junior college" [community college]. I flunked out.
Next,I registered in the local outlet of a state school. I dropped out and then, having been readmitted, I flunked out again.
But, America is a country of so many chances.
God bless America!
Next, I registered again in a "Junior college" night school. I worked hard for several years, and got acceptable grades.
For the following year I attended a college in a farm area. But I was a big city boy.
After that, I attended the University of Illinois in Chicago from which I received a BA.
The following fall, I was accepted by the University of Chicago, number eight in the world rankings!
I earned both a MA and PhD from UC.
The time expended was just twelve years. Sounds like a lot but it really is not.
Please understand, twelve years is nothing in a long life.
In the following years, I taught at three universities, including Rush University College of Medicine.
But the time I am most proud of is the time I spent teaching returning adults at DePaul University's "School For New Learning".
More second chances for adults.
Again, please do not give up.
I look at life as a baseball game with an unlimited number of strikes and no final outs.
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@Meta1
What a wonderful testimony to the resilience of the human spirit! Hooray for you! Thank you for your contributions to the world writ large. (And btw: At age 78, you are not “a very old man”!)
14
@Meta1 This actually brought tears to my eyes. It's wonderful advice--even for me, a not-so-young sixty-year-old woman, attempting a third act after a career and motherhood. Thank you.
16
It seems from the letter that this student applied to many schools and was accepted by several. He/she may have his or her heart set on that the rejecting schools, but must have considered attending the others else why apply to them?
8
Life is full of disappointment and rejection. Learning how to react to it and what to do with it is the best education for success.
15
I do not know how to explain to a high school senior that what happened will someday just be a blip. Hang in there, kid.
This question does not even have a tenuous connection to ethics.
13
Mr. Appiah' article of talk-therapy, although well thought, would doubtfully change the feelings of great disappointment of the rejected college applicant. He should take the only path open to him now and then, if his academic performance was the only obstacle, to try to transfer to a more "reputable" institution in his sophomore or junior year. Bon courage!
5
Why not take a year or two off and do something that benefits society. It sounds like some growing up, and focusing on the needs of others, might provide useful perspective. Older students often get more out of college anyway.
25
Dear sweet reader, my heart goes out to you right now - I understand what a sting it is to not get into something you really wanted to be a part of, how discouraging that can feel - especially the first time you feel it.
But honestly, being able to see beyond the bubble I know you're feeling very stuck in, I am excited for you! Leaving home, going to school, learning and experiencing new things and new people is an incredible gift. Whether this school or that, honors or not, you've got a tremendous amount of opportunity at your fingertips. Embrace it, immerse yourself in everything and everyone that interests you - this will help you find yourself, what you want to do and who you want to become.
Exactly where you did or did not go to school won't matter one iota to your ultimate happiness, I promise you, as long as you embrace this exciting next new chapter (and every subsequent one) with an open mind and open heart. And of course, work hard and do your best!
24
I read the student's letter twice to be sure I understand where he/she stands. I see two things: (1) disappointment in not being admitted to a private college on his/her list of choices, which can shake one's confidence, and (2) compounding this loss of confidence is the knowledge that friends who will be attending the state university to which the student was admitted have been accepted to the honors program. No wonder the student is depressed.
The student also does not like the state university and would not look forward to going there. The student could try it for a year and if he/she is not happy with the experience then transfer out. Or the student could take a prep school year and while there apply to other colleges. Finances are, of course, an issue with every choice, but sometimes a year to clear your head while learning and gaining new experiences can give you new perspective.
Short story: my daughter started at a large private university but felt it was not right for her. She tried to come home every weekend by whatever transportation she could find. But during her freshman year she discovered a small arts-focused school she thought she might like, we visited, she transferred, and it changed her life.
Life has many paths and the student has lots of opportunities to try them and find a good fit.
72
@Barbara I agree. The fact that the letter writer had been to the campus and felt he would have problems should be a red flag. Maybe the student could attend another college online, while researching colleges he could transfer to .
4
The letter and the reply are important, especially because college admission is so random and such a very distorted reflection of one's actual academic promise.
On the other hand, it is hard for me to see the connection with ethics. (Except, of course, for the ethics of colleges' having unfair admissions criteria.)
13
Truthfully, I think Mr. Appiah missed the whole point of the student's question, which largely has to do with envy. How does one manage to be happy for others who have gotten a prize one has been denied? I'd love to hear the answer to that one, since I still struggle with it.
As far as college goes, if the letter writer is really not happy with any of the available options, he or she should not go to college at this juncture. If you don't want to be where you are, you won't achieve much there. Too much energy will go into negativity and resentment. Explore other options, gain some work experience, volunteer for a political campaign, take lessons at something you've always wanted to learn. College will be there later, and if you do something interesting in the gap, you can always reapply to your dream school later if that is what you still want. You can then go to school more focused and mature than when you've just graduated high school. The key is to find something you can do now that you won't feel embarrassed to tell your friends you're doing instead of going to college right away.
57
Seemed more like humiliation to me.
4
@Nikki
Best comment here.
4
Just to throw it out there — the student could also take a year off and go abroad, volunteer, build up that extra something special that makes one shine on an application. But more importantly, get to know oneself better.
I wish I would have done this. I got into my early acceptance school which I actually wasn’t wild about and studied something that looking back in it now, I couldn’t care less about. Not good reasons to go into debt...
98
Going into any college environment — top choice or not — with that kind of attitude is a sure setup for failure.
Go to the school offered admission, get good grades and credits, and then transfer. But I think the heartburn here lies more with a perceived loss of “status” than anything else — which is something that no amount of advice can help fix.
134
My son was rejected at a number of schools, did get into a good state school that was one of his top choices. I actively encouraged him NOT to apply to the honors program first year - at this school (probably like most), it adds an awful lot of extra work, and students must reapply each year to stay in the program. My opinion is that no employer will pick an "honors program" graduate over another student with higher grades without such designation.
Many, many students transfer after a year or two to different schools. My sister-in-law went to four (4!) different universities before graduating, and has prospered. Alternatively, you may start school and find out you enjoy your "fallback" school, and by the end of the year decide to stay on.
Two of the rejection letters my son received noted that over 100 students had applied for every one accepted. Most of his classmates did not get accepted into their top choices, either.
In the long run, neither your self-worth nor your ability to succeed in college, or in life, should depend on your grades. The minute you leave high school, nobody will ever look at your high school GPA again. Same with college - most employers will be more impressed by a well-rounded and happy college graduate with interests outside of their classes and their grades. College is a time for finding out who you are and what you want to do in life, making friends, and growing up. Spread your wings and enjoy the experience without regret!
207
@L Wolf This is the best advice in this comments section! Well said. I would only add, High School Senior: I am sorry for your pain. Senior year at some high schools is a cruel time when college decisions are announced and college sweatshirts are worn like badges of honor. This will pass and you are unlikely to ever have to endure anything quite like it in the future.
13
I had plans to go to Chicago or New York after high school. I even got into universities there, but deemed them too expensive, so I stayed in Detroit. There were times when I thought I'd have liked to have those experiences. I even sent transfer apps to those same schools two years later. I got in again, but still didn't go. It took me awhile, but a few years later I realized how utterly lucky I was to stay in Detroit for that time period. Just focus on having a good time and enjoying your friends and classes and everything else. You might have a small sore spot from not getting into those schools, but it'll be greatly outweighed by the phenomenal experience you do have.
37
College admissions has becomes fuzzy, less equitable, and less fair. What is the problem:
1. Grade Inflation: Statistics show that half of the graduating seniors in the United States have a "A" average. There is a certain amount of grade inflation in high schools and uneven methods for calculating weighted averages. Everyone is a great student.
2. Legacy Admissions: The elite private universities act like a private fraternal club and reserve spaces for their current members. Harvard is up to 36% legacy admissions which is 1/3 of their admits. Legacy admissions also affect applications from individual high schools. A majority of elite colleges do not take more then 1 student per high school in their admissions cycle. You never quite know if your school has one or multiple legacy applications. If you have an Early Accept that also affects the Regular admissions pool from the same high school.
3. Donor/Rich/Politically Connected/Celebrity admits: Elite colleges have circumvented normal admissions processing to allow under qualified students admissions for the potential financial gain they can get.
4. Factually incorrect admissions application data.
5. Elite colleges are trying to be something to everyone.
6. Affluent Parents: Money can make a difference.
7. Recruited Athletes: They form a sizable portion of the Early Admits at many elite colleges.
@ We have become a society that worships status.
27
While I accept the point you are making, Your figure on legacy admissions to Harvard is substantially off, no by a factor of two, but still substantial. Your source ?
@James
Isn’t it strange that the same people who laud “communities,“ consider college legacies to be abhorrent?
The advisor neglected to mention that the student could start at one school and plan to transfer if unhappy in future. It is a common occurrence.
83
@glorybe — At the risk of sounding plebian, we have counseled our kids to give the two-year college route a try. That is a relatively inexpensive way to get general gen-ed requirements out of the way, at much less the cost of a four-year school. Once transferred, the student can immediately begin the major course of study. (Most two-year schools have transfer agreements with universities.)
Of course, this may not be much of a status symbol among one’s peers, but if that’s the only reason why one is going to college, some examination of priorities may be in order.
36
@MDB
I was going to suggest that, too. In California, where getting into the top "UCs" is extremely competitive, there are community colleges that offer programs to fulfill basic requirements for those universities. A student successfully completing one of those two-year programs is all but guaranteed a transfer admission to the universities.
19
@Lorraine I went to community college in CA, and if definately depends on the community college. Many do not graduate students in 2 years; then if they transfer to a California State University it can take 6-7 years to graduate.
1
This is not a ethics question at all, rather more of a sociological one, about how our society has devolved to make appearances and what others think or even may think, determinative of your own self-respect and self-image. What college you attend, whether or not you are in an honors program, if you have the latest cell phone, wear the "right" clothes, support the "right" politician or viewpoint...the list goes on and on.
Too many young people have been taught, directly or otherwise, that they must check off certain "approved" boxes in order to be worthwhile or respected or liked, however one defines any of that. Life ahead is full of hopes and joys, but also full of disappointment, something which many parents seem to want to shield their children from; and here you see the result in stark terms.
125
@George S As is the need for societal approval really that modern of a phenomenon?
9
@George S This is one of the best replies I've read here.
3
@Jakie H No, but it has been aggravated exponentially by the mindless echo chamber of the internet.
4
It's never good, although in our society it's normal, to compare ourselves to what others have been rewarded with while we have been rejected and feel awful about our future and the dreams that have curled into air and are no longer are available.
Welcome to the real world. It may be your first painful experience in truly not having what you wanted. It won't be your last.
I wanted to be a chef since I was age 13. I'm speaking about a woman who had such dreams over 50 years ago when women didn't work in professional kitchens--a man's world. I got into Cornell but my parents refused to support my dreams or pay for them. They didn't want me to attend this famous program at Cornell or become a chef later on. I attended NYU and after my graduation I met Leslie Revsin. She was the first woman chef at the Waldorf Astoria and had opened her own place on Cornelia Street.
Long story short: she took me on and I became very successful --way beyond anything I could've ever dreamed of when I was 13! I found that NO! is a forceful word in attaining what you want in life. I always tried to turn it into YES! I heard a lot of NO! during my 63 years and I found the way to YES! I was driven and it took time.
I never gave up. Never felt sorry for myself (for longer than a day!) I got very creative at all the hurdles. I got tough as nails, tender in heart, passion never left me. There are lessons all through.
I changed my country. Midlife. Everyone said, NO!
Best thing I ever did.
222
This senior is viewing acceptances, rejections and prospects for a future life through a narrow lens. Perhaps it’s best to take a gap year, get out of the comfort zone, immerse in some different cultures, fend for themselves in an unfamiliar environment and simply get some perspective and new experiences. The things that currently trouble the letter writer will likely fade away. Who knows.... maybe those rejecting institutions will see them in a whole new light.
42
What is the ethical question posed in the letter?The question of ethics may have to do with the guidance that failed to enlighten the letter writer as to what specific schools are looking for and where the letter writer would be best positioned for serious consideration and a good fit. However that would be a different letter.
29
@justme
Agreed. Why not just retitle this column "Dear Kwame" and help people with their personal problems?
7
@justme He made it explicitly clear what the ethical question was! "Your classmate in the honors program can feel inadequate compared with a higher-performing classmate in that program, who can feel inadequate compared with a still-higher-performing classmate and so on up the line. They could all walk around in a state of dejection. But that would be an ethical error. Why ethical? Because ethics, in its classical sense, concerns itself with what makes a life go well."
7