College Tour Road Trips as Routes to Adulthood

Lots of people are commenting on what they did with their kids (in a way that indicates their way is the best) - ie let the kids do it all on their own and their children are now self supporting awesome adults - helped with the process but stood in the background - didn't do it at all - let their kids see one school - think the whole process is rubbish - etc. What worked for your family worked for your family, congratulations on knowing your child and family and doing what was right for them and your situation in regards to finances, time constraints, strengths and weaknesses of your child, etc. As a parent of several kids with hugely different abilities, needs, and personalities, I am learning (with their input, not final say) what works and what doesn't for each. I'm aware, as are they, that it's a huge gift to be even considering college let alone exploring multiple possibilities. This is not a one size fits all endeavor.

College tours are great for all the reasons the author stated, and I took both of my kinds on plenty of them. But it's important to note that college tours are a middle class benefit. These parent-child bonding outings are generally out of reach for disadvantaged kids whose parents may not have gone to college and don't understand the value of touring schools, who speak a language other than English, or must work many hours (or more than one job) to support their families and can't squeeze out the time required for these trips. Colleges need to drop the extra points they give to kids who have visited their schools when they rate applications. And if you know a kid who would benefit from a college tour who couldn't otherwise go, offer to take him/her with you. Have those great conversations with two kids at once . They'll both benefit.

I had a great time getting to know my son better visiting colleges, it was awesome. he was trying to figure out what he wanted to do in life, and we had some great talks.

Getting a road trip together with one’s kid before they move on to scribing their next chapter itself a prize. This article confuses watching one’s kid evolve with the better practice of helping them to evolve by always being a fully attentive sounding board and enabler, by occasionally being a firm pragmatists, and never being a parent that only sees one gilded path to success.

I allowed each of my four children a chance to visit one college/university. [They had been exposed to quite a few schools through sporting and cultural events - so this was not such a draconian constraint.] Fellow parents were aghast when I told them about this plan. They were off on whirlwind tours of many schools, and they did confess a weariness and the competitiveness of visiting so many. You know what transpired: my children chose to visit their first choice school; they suffered no indignation from this deprivation; and we all laughed that one of my college professor friend's advised one of them to "pick the school with the best dorm." College tour road trips has become yet another tarnished charm on a more and more unbearable and unwearable bracelet called finding the right college. Denouement: Why not visit the schools after admission, if an applicant has the privilege of multiple admissions and a "real, compelling" reason to compare them.

My eldest grandson and his parents are on a college road trip this week, with younger siblings and a visit to Grandma and other relatives included. I just wish they would visit more colleges so he can make an informed decision. But I'm also glad the whole family is doing this together. It can be a bonding experience.

I always told my kids that in my opinion college and many things in life are a journey not a destination. This was a complete abstraction for my high schooler until we drove through the Berkshires in late fall visiting various schools. It was a perfect fall. Incredible colors, the light, the smells - everything was perfect. We used paper maps, got lost in the country roads, stopped to enjoy apple cider, got our feet wet in the cold streams, the list goes on. Years later now when we talk about colleges both of us talk about the trip and what it meant to us rather than about the college life. When we have different opinions on anything, we fall back to this trip as a time where we created bonds that cannot be broken. It was this trip that helped me give meaning to what Steinbeck meant when he said that "a trip takes us".

My "route to adulthood" via college campus tours and interviews didn't include any parents. A good high school friend and I decided which campuses -- half a dozen New England liberal arts schools -- were of interest; we arranged interviews and hotels or campus stays; borrowed a car from my grandmother, and took to the road from Philadelphia for 9 days. Yes, we paid for everything ourselves: we each had had summer jobs waiting tables, so had the beginnings of "college funds." We were each 16 years old; chronologically young for our class but seniors in high school. We were each reared to be responsible; our parents knew each other, and we checked in with one of the families every couple of days from the road. Though neither of us ended up going to any of the schools we visited on that trip, we learned quite a bit that helped us make informed decisions about our further education, and each of us has been in academic environments for our 40+ year careers. Our "routes to adulthood" started with our parents' nurturing and steady hands, before either of us reached kindergarten.

It’s really important once financial parameters are set to let the kids figure out their ideal school. I loved college tours because I got a lot of one on one time with my kids but we mostly talked about things unrelated to school like movies or music. By the way all of my kids went to SUNY schools for the instate tuition - they made lots of friends, graduated in four years and are all self-supporting.

Why would anyone think there would be one "right" way to do this or not do this? Any more than one would think that there is any one "right" way that people choose or have to live?

"Compassionate detachment and sincere curiosity" -- excellent guidance for all family relationships but especially parents of adolescents and young adults!

I have two kids and did it once each way. I am convinced that the best thing is to say bye and let the kid do it themselves, or with a group of kids, or with a friend if possible. Since you are already considering out of state schools, I gather those parents can afford the numerous trips their kid wants to go one (lesson one: do not let the kid check out a school you cannot afford). The visits are almost all about the physical building the kids see on the tour. What kid is not impressed seeing these old stone buildings on a small campus, or going to a class taught by an exciting lecturer. (lesson two: make them sit in on psych 100 so they can see what a lecture with 200 students looks like). Its time to say goodbye Mom and Dad. They don't need your opinion on this, and this is the first time to let them on their own, not a time to try to catch up on all the conversations you never had with them at home.

As a GenX first-generation college student, the entire concept of college tours is foreign to me. My choice was “which one of two state colleges can my family afford.” And yet it worked out.

I vividly recall my college tours with my parents and discovering that my first choices, Boston U and Syracuse, were way too overwhelming for this small town girl from Vermont, while my last choice, a much more intimate and inviting Alfred University, quickly became my first and where I spent four fabulous years. So it was very important to me that I took my two children to their final few where they too discovered the school right for them! It was a wonderful bonding experience and, I believe, really informs a crucial decision.

I actually loved doing college tours with my kids. It was a wonderful opportunity to see them as young adults rather than teenagers. The key was hanging back and putting them in charge of the experience, so I could simply observe. I wouldn't have traded that time with them for anything.

Thanks for this. It reminded me of my college tour experience with my son, from a couple years ago. Eager to put him in charge, I told him we had flights in and out of New York, but the tour scheduling was up to him. He disappeared into his room and emerged triumphantly an hour later - with Colbert tickets. (It all worked out just fine) .

I was lucky to share college tours with my two my children. However, flying and driving around the country and staying in hotel rooms is expensive - much too expensive for many, many students. Is there a network of lower priced options/special discounted rates for hotels, dining and rental cars? Maybe group tours? Maybe a special airline rate? Shouldn't there be?

My son and daughter visited colleges on their own. That was 25 years ago. It is their lives, and they could handle the decisions. We had a certain amount of money--they had to come up with the rest. Guess what? They are both successful now. Imagine that! On their own!

Our first-born made her own arrangements to visit the universities she was interested in. We only had to drop her off at the local airport and pick her up when she got back. I don't know what ground transportation she used at the other end nor what she did for lodging. FWIW, she was accepted at all the schools she visited by herself.

I spent 25 years as a college admissions director. My advice about a college visit: 1). Do the official admissions presentation. Yes, it may have you rolling your eyes, and it is a sales presentation, but you'll get a lot of facts about the college in just a few minutes. 2) Go on the official tour, usually led by a student. These students are picked to do this for a reason (they love the college), but you'll see the important landmarks on the campus, and hear a few anecdotes that you might find interesting, especially if you decide to attend that school. The student guide might be surprisingly honest in answer to a question asked during the tour. 3). It's usually offered as part of the tour, but if not, see if you can make arrangements to eat in a dining hall. It'll matter if you enroll and eat most of your meals there. 4). At some point in the day, tell you parents (or friend, if that's who came with you to the visit) that you'll meet them in an hour and a half. Then take that time to walk around the campus (and the area around campus) by yourself. Look at the college through your own lenses. Look at the things that are important to you, not the things important to your parents. (Parents may focus on classrooms, labs...you might be most interested in seeing the recreation center or what's off campus). Talk about all of this on the way home. And trust your instincts: If it feels right, it probably is. Most important: Do you feel comfortable there?

People like think there is a simple solution to most problems. Usually there isn't. If there was it wouldn't continue be a problem. The popular current line is let children make their own mistakes, that is the only way that they will grow up. The view is usually expressed by older generation along with the comment that is what they did and it worked for them. There are many examples of leaving kids to their own devices with costly or tragic results. A bad year in college could leave one $50k in the hole with nothing to show. If problems could be avoided with some parental advice I am all for it. After all if kids could make mature decisions they would not be kids.

College tours can be helpful if you have the time and can afford them. My son had quite a few schools on his list that he thought he would like based on what he read on line and talking to friends, but didn't like when he visited, whether it was the' vibe", or the weather or the campus or the lack of.. I think it saved a lot of unnecessary applications. Visiting schools can also help answer applications questions that are specific to that college On an all, our family found them helpful

I didn't need a tour for my bachelor's degree. The choice of school, unless you are choosing Ivy League doesn't matter and I'm certain most people will agree. It's the education you get and the experience (internships, OJT etc.) you can get out of your time at college. Then again, I went for my bachelor's after 5 years in the Navy so I think I valued the education more than any of the students there. Either way, community college for two years and bigger more overpriced for the last two is the way to go!

The very best question my son and I heard on a college tour was about the use of lunch trays as sleds. I saw a smile spread across my son's face as he listened to the answer. "Nothing", said the tour guide and that was the aha moment for both of us. He chose that school which was the perfect place for him. I'd have chosed it too, if I had another chance!

I feel some guilt that I have no interest whatsoever on "doing the college tour" with my kids. Parents of my kids' friends are spending huge amounts of time traveling about, and then what seems like even more time talking about it with whoever will give them the opportunity. They express the view that "spending hundreds of thousands of dollars" without "due diligence" amounts to "parental negligence." I am pretty confident that my kids will go to college and will figure out which colleges might suit them. If they want to visit a few places, I am happy to have them do that. That is what I did, and things turned out fine. I hope to use all of the saved time to continue doing with my kids, and without them, the things we enjoy, and I don't need "the college tour" to invent those things or serve as an excuse for them. But I am so far off the norm here that I feel a little ashamed.

Two questions that got us some interesting intel from the students who did our tours: What do you wish you knew before coming here? And, If president of the college put you in charge, what is one thing you might change?

After a lifetime on a college campus working closely with students, parents need to step back and listen. Trust your offspring's insights and perspective. S/he is going to college not you. Spend time on the college campus; talk with students; stay overnight in a dorm; let your offspring ask the questions. And if not a good choice initially, s/he can transfer. Be candid as well about how much you can assist: part-time job while in school, summer work. Try not to borrow your way through college.

And for those of us who can’t afford the college tour?

You left out the punch line of the Sopranos scene. After she asks about the Mafia and they have their confessionals and bonding movement, he says “Besides, there is no Mafia,” and they exchange glances.

I remember taking my two children on their college tours. In both cases, they and I "knew" pretty quickly which one was the first choice. In one case, it was the field of study that brought us there, but she just sensed immediately that this was a place she would love...and she did. For my son, it was finding the coach he knew he could play for and be happy. He was. It's interesting that for many parents, the first time they've spent much time in a car with their children IS the college tour. We had spent thousands of miles on the road with our children so we already knew about the wonders of "car talk". My eldest grandchild quickly narrowed his choices down to two colleges after his tour. He needed another trip (this time by himself) to go back and again talk to coaches, those on the team, and just get the "feel" of the school. It was a hard choice but he made it and got into his first choice school. He could not be more happy there. It happens to be where both his parents and 3 or his 4 godparents also went to school, but they did not influence him in this direction at all. Both parents have loved going back to someplace they loved very much. In all the places they visited, they did the group "show" and then they went on a guided campus tour, and then just went off on their own. They felt they very much got the feel of these schools. When I was taking my children, it was just the small group tours. It's easier if one already knows ones child.

The college admissions process, as constructed by colleges and universities today, does not allow for personal growth, creativity, or academically challenging courses or risk taking that might result in failure. Selections by students for courses, athletics and extracurricular activities remain too focused on what colleges say they want versus what the student wants to pursue. To blame everything on helicopter parenting, including parent funded mission trips, the coaching for standardized tests of limited value, the demand that students excel at everything from academics to athletics is not entirely accurate. Parents, rightly or wrongly, are responding to today's increasingly competitive college marketplace of mixed messages, set forth by today's admissions office. Of course parents should take a step back and guide, rather than direct their children. Just don't affix all the blame to the parents when college admissions offices give mixed messages on what kind of student they want and then actually accept or reject. That being said, there is no excuse for the recent college admissions scandal and the actions of those parents to the extreme.

My main purpose for my daughter to visit campuses wasn’t for her to find the “perfect fit”, but for her to get a feel for different schools. She discovered that schools do give off a vibe, that some admissions staff and tour guides were relaxed while others were wound tight, that some schools felt more urban or isolated than their brochures indicated, and most importantly, if she could envision herself there (or not). We withheld our thoughts until we were back in the car. We always started those conversations with the one thing that set that school apart, the thing the school did really well, and then went on from there. We covered a lot of ground and enjoyed doing it together. It was her idea to only eat in little local joints that she researched while I was driving. We agreed that since we were living in each other’s back pockets that it was perfectly acceptable to retreat into a book or cell phone for a hour or two back in our hotel room. The long drives were a chance for us to really talk with each other. In the end, she visited her favorite school at least 4 times with her dad or me for various events and sat in on a couple of classes which is what finally sealed the deal. She’s happy there and is doing well.

Agree that the information sessions are "...puffery, a live promotional video." What we took away from the college tours were the times spent on the actual road trip; whether hours in the car on the way to our destination or just a few hours in a rental car from the airport to the school. This was before iPhones and iPods. Remember Books on Tape? We took advantage of them when the conversation was at a lull. I believe that talking to the back of my head while I was driving enabled my kids to speak more freely-like speaking to a therapist while on a couch. These trips brought us closer together and made letting go just a bit easier.

I'll skip the bio. Trust that I have a ton of experience in every aspect of higher education. Is it really possible that parents and applicants still believe there is anything really significant to be learned or gained on these college tours? I am stunned. You MUST speak with a group of current students NOT selected by the school. And while even that is imperfect, it beats the tour guides.

Great advice. This seems to also be good advice for the NYC middle school admissions process. (My rising sixth grader would love a Richard Pryor show!)

I did a ton of college visits with my first. We had a great time and talked so much. With my second, we only visited a few. He revisited one school after acceptance, and visited another for the first time after acceptance with his dad. They had a great time, and it was my husband’s first college visit. I kind of wish now that I hadn’t assumed all the responsibility with our eldest, because she and my husband could have done with some quality time together. My son was never taken on a visit with my daughter. Honestly, he would have been bored senseless. Point is, do the visits if you have time. Use it as an opportunity to get to know your child, one on one if you can. Some people turn it into a family vacation, which is great too. But there is something to be said for one child having a parent's undivided attention, if only for an afternoon college visit.

We just came back from a long week touring colleges with our student. Amazing first experience for us as a family. I highly recommend to do it as a family. The author is correct that much of the college tours "are puffery, a live promotional video." Nevertheless, it provides a great insight to the school culture, values, spirit, academics, extracurricular programs, and the feel for it's geographic location. Touring colleges as a family helps students make better decisions. We as parents asked questions that my daughter did not think to ask. Diverse questions and perspectives provides a better decision making for students. BEYOND PUFFERY 1. Had lunch in each of the cafeterias 2. Spend time doing some work in the school libraries 3. Attended several lectures open to the public 4. Read student run newspaper to gain insight from student perspective 5. Honest and sincere testimonials by students on www.unigo.com

I always found it helpful to read notices on bulletin boards and hallways. Who cares if they do laundry? You won’t be smelling them!!!!

The most telling piece of advice is to go where the students eat and listen to them. You and your teen will learn more from their open conversations. Is it all social life, all their studies, are they discussing complex things? The guides are who the school thinks are their best. If this is the best, is it good enough? Coaches are a mixed bag. Some advice was good, some useless and embarrassing, like having a CV. Ultimately, for our son, only one of his final choices came from the coach. The other 3 and his ultimate came from the U his uncle teaches at, my wife’s suggestion, and mine. He never regretted what is now his alma mater.

Thank you Wendy Mogel as you, once again, provide words of wisdom that are equally insightful and sensible - not always a match that comes easily in parenting a teen. As my high school junior daughter and I embark on our initial college road trip in two days I find this article to be comforting and a helpful reminder that choosing a good college fit and the overall experience is a process that they need to own. As a psychotherapist and adjunct college professor I know this to be true and yet as a parent I find it so compelling to help navigate my daughter's journey so that she can avoid potential pitfalls. I also know that oftentimes it is the pitfalls that foster growth and strength. This article is a wonderful reminder that during the college shopping process, for most parents, it is an opportunity to model resilience for our teens as we mindfully notice our thoughts, but listen to our teen.

On number 3 of 4 for the college experience. The hardest part is letting go but let go we must; after all, no college decision is permanent. Number 3 is going abroad to study and she is more thrilled about it than I can say. She did the research, found the school she wanted, applied and got in. If it all goes belly up, she can come back and try again. I learned more about her during this process - her resilience, her strength and her guts - than ever before. We all need to take a deep breath and let go.

Made some plane and hotel reservations, found some places to stay with friends and the college-age children of friends, developed a detailed itinerary, took the kid to Narita and waved good bye as she headed down the stairs to immigration. Went home and waited for email and phone calls. Went to Narita a couple of weeks later to pick her up.

If you want your children to grow up, don't take them on a college visit. Let them go by themselves. That's what we did. They're going, or not going, to that college, not the parent. They're deciding if an offer of admission will be accepted. Not the parent.

From the POV of a parent and a former educator, young adults are constantly evolving and developing. What they think and do at age 16 to 17 while preparing for college May change radically in a year or two including interests, passions, beliefs, and identity as experience and maturation affect their daily and long term goals. If they make a big mistake in choosing one college, there is always a transfer possibility. As a parent, I had to encourage my older child to hang in through the first semester of being at aNYC area during and after the time of 9/11, a very scary time for a new college student to live on their own for he first time. Then there was the decision to take a semester off, and a new college came through via a summer course that really matched new interests and passion for a new study area. Thus, a transfer was considered and occurred. The journey is NOT about the parent, it is about the young person. We parents need to be present, supportive and helpful; not to bully, live through the child’s experience, or commit fraud on behalf of our children.

Both of my “kids” are now in college. I spent a delightful two years in 2017 and 2018 traveling the country with them finding the colleges that they felt were the best fit for them academically, emotionally, and intellectually. My take away wasn’t about the students, it was about the parents. And how unprepared they are. Asking about how they view grades, how they can contact their kids professors, who will make sure their kids are doing laundry, who will make sure they attend classes. I feel for the kids who have these snow plough parents. They won’t be allowed to make their own mistakes, and so won’t learn.