I am 15 years old, and I don't clean my room when I am told, and I spend a little too much time on my phone, but I do not want to push my parent's buttons. They taught we key things like good work ethics, kindness, and how to be safe and have fun at the same time. These key lessons that they taught me, as well as my own self-taught lessons, have led me to be a straight-A student, get home before curfew, and be kind to everyone. I appreciate and love them with all of my heart.
6
My teens are teens and slobs and not at all trying to push my buttons. I didn’t either as a teen. But I was a slob. Now I’m a total neat freak.
2
Teacher of teens for 22 years. Also, Mom of two late twenty sometthings. Try teaching high school and coming home to teenagers. That was hard. But the key is deciding what is important; winning the war, even if battles are lost. This is what any successful high school teacher has to do, as well as every parent. So what's most important? In my book that was (and still is) honest and open communication, being a kind and decent person, having manners, possessing a work ethic and doing one's best. The same list applies to my students and if I do say so, it works. That means listening even if one does not like what one is hearing; trying hard to model kindness, consideration and patience if one wants a kind, considerate and patient teen or student; working hard and expecting the same from them, whether at school or at a part time job, and praising their best efforts even when they fall short. A teen's room? Who cares. (Both of our girls are neat and keep clean homes now, by the way.) I'm proud of them and so proud of my students as well. Ultimately, my best advice can be condensed to this: though I admit to sometimes raising my voice with both students and daughters, they really do stop listening when someone starts yelling. It's not really effective. Persuasion, humor, honest expressions of disappointment, clearly stated expectations, & affection all combine well for good communication. And, in the end what one wants is an adult with whom one actually wants to hang out. Right?
11
If the author can't even get her daughter to hang up her coat, she is in serious need of parenting help and should not be giving advice to others.
14
@Chris Noble I thought the exact same thing.
My mom was, for the most part, a wonderful mother — cultivating love, independence, morality, conversation, discovery, etc. I model a lot of what she did with young people in my own life. Yet this article has crystalized for me how damaging her occasional bouts of “you are doing this to annoy/hurt me” were.
One of these was minor: she felt uninterested or unskilled in how to shop for clothes, so she made all such trips miserable. “You can’t remember your own size?! You don’t know what goes with what or what you need? Why are you doing this to me? How can you be so incompetent? Why are you looking at yourself 10x in the mirror in two different coats? You are so vain!” To this day, I have a really hard time maintaining a decent wardrobe, even though I like clothes once purchased. My wife has stepped in and does a lot of online shopping for me, and I shower her with gratitude, as well as learning to do more of it myself.
The other was major: my mom felt deeply that my being with women (eventually defining myself as lesbian) was done to hurt her. “You are doing this to hurt me, rebelling out of immaturity.” Her cruel remarks and withdrawal of reliable affection surprised and wounded me deeply. And this went on for many years. Our rapprochement came when I understood she could not help herself, and I allowed her her prejudices. But that original closeness and trust never returned.
So, parents, please know most of what your children do is never about you. Lead with love.
10
Haha, my son actually does intentionally push my buttons.
As a teenager with severe ADHD and a lack of executive function, a clean room or work area is fundamental to his success as a student but he cannot get it together to clean anything up nor will he make the effort to keep it from turning into a grand disaster area. No type of intervention has worked for us and we've literally tried everything.
On top of the messy room (I close the door), the disgusting bathroom (that he share with his sister who is now in college and now uses the guest bathroom when she is home), and the lack of clean clothes, he loves to trot out rightwing Republican talking points just to try and get a rise out of me and then call me a snowflake. He says I'm triggered even if I don't respond. I just nicely ask him to leave the room. My daughter was NEVER like this. I fear I'm living with a young Stephen Miller.
I know that he is preparing himself to leave home and head to college but I was ready for him to go about a year ago. 4 months and counting...
10
@MomT You just about told my story!
1
@MomT
I have the same son! He’s in his early 30’s now. He doesn’t live at home, hasn’t since 25 when my husband and I realized it wasn’t improving despite all we had done. I still worry, and love him, but within half an hour of his coming to visit I’m ready for him to leave. He opposes everything we say and believe.
Housecleaning (a highly personal subject) seems to have eclipsed the key takeaway for some: That your teen's behavior is probably not about you. A fearful parent sees their child's every misstep as a predictor of worse to come, and therefore an indictment of their parenting, and therefore, personal. It isn't. My parents were too overtaxed to tune in much to my emotional state, or to withstand my mistakes, however small, with grace. My siblings and I, to avoid wildly disproportionate scoldings, brought home every academic award you could want and lived small, safe lives. It seemed our parents had no confidence we could succeed without rigorous control at all times. We were all "model children," but as adults, none of us visit home with any enthusiasm. Was this parenting success?
17
Does this work with kids in grade school as well?
1
Yes. Problem solving is a great tool for even young kids. Make sure to let them express how they feel about the problem, tell them how you feel, then make a list of possible solutions. Write down any crazy thing they say, add your own, then go through the list and discuss what is actually viable.
3
If I didn't make my bed and left stuff around the house, my mother pulled the mattress off and threw everything on top of it. Cured me. And she was a gentle soul. I thank her for it.
3
I have many girlfriends who complain that their husbands don't clean up after themselves. Mine leaves clothes on the floor constantly. Are our spouses pushing our buttons too? Surely not - it's just that what is a problem to one is not a problem to the other. So you take a deep breath and you move on. Same with the teens.
12
@Vmur Or perhaps their parent never made them clean up after themselves.
Having a teen with sensory issues makes it harder--they've usually got organizational issues, pick up more easily on emotions, tend to have more anxiety (especially when it comes to sensations they find repulsive), and often have other issues going on like ADHD, autism, or learning disabilities. Humor can help. So can self-care--learning to self-calm and improve your own self-regulation through mindfulness training, regular exercise, cognitive behavioral therapy, etc. When you model the calm you want to see in your child, things change. And you're less stressed out too. Plus, with the blood flow going to the front of your brain instead of to your emotional centers, you can more easily remember what you were going to say the next time your teen does that thing that drives you nuts.
http://www.SensorySmartParent.com
3
A few thoughts from a mother of four who have successfully more or less passed through their teenage years. Messy rooms? Close the door. Every few months ( yes, I do mean months. The mess Does Not Matter) tell them that if by Saturday the room isn’t cleaned up, everything on the floor is thrown out. Then, do that. Yes—even stuff you’ll. Have to replace. Stick to it and make good on the threat. After that, they clean it up.
Secondly and most importantly —don’t take anything personally (unless you know you deserve it). They have to be horrible in order to separate and grow up and leave you. And it’s a hard hard job. It’s not about you.
14
Whats so hard about having basic rules when the child is growing up?! Put things back where they belong. End of story. Yes I can appreciate one of the sons told his mother he admits his messy ways but is focused on bigger things right now. But keep your stuff in your room - not all over the living room as one family I know. The parents have become oblivious to clothes, books,. etc strewn all over the living room such that guests to the house have to step over stuff. This isnt right. As for remaining curious...really? Sometimes what you see is what you get - a mess.
1
A messy room? Just close the door. It solves a myriad of problems and aggravation.
5
listen more than you speak - and you can be amazed.
I volunteer with afterschool childcare - typically I say very little - just sit down quietly near some kids - and typically within 30 seconds they'll turn to me and start talking - at length - about whatever's on their mind.
I have been amazed at the maturity of many discussions - around conflict and problems they're dealing with - they like tiny adults !
I hate to see them shouted at - sit still, stop talking - while adult is interrupted for a minute with a staff problem - then turns back and shouts at the kids for talking to each other - hello ? Who's immature there ? Adult sets the example - then gets angry when kids follow it ?
9
"Say to your teenager: “This isn’t working for either of us. What can we do to fix it?”"
That sounds very passive-aggressive. It's not working for the parent. The teenager is fine with it on the floor.
Kids are smart. They will figure out you've been consulting the Times again for ways to talk to them.
14
@Steve S Totally agree. My teens bristle at this kind of talk- adults have been using it with them since they were little and they see right through it. In fact, it usually invites a more withering response than when I just say "Pick up your clothes or else!"
1
As a mediator who has worked with parents and teens, my experience is that so much has to do with communication. As I often remind people, teenagers are not known for their communication skills, and parents and teens often wind up in a cycle of screaming at one another rather than talking to each other. Making the time for a conversation about expectations that takes into account both points of view, including how each of you would like to be spoken to, can help you and your teens get through the adolescent years. It’s not an easy time for your teen either.
6
A lot of these same issues are problems between adult roommates, too. And spouses.
21
I had to laugh reading these 'suggestions'. I find it hard to believe they were written by someone who has actually parented a teen. After years of trying everything (and then five more things) I learned the solution that worked best-I shut the door and never set foot in there again. What I didn't see didn't hurt me and peace reigned throughout the kingdom.
28
@VoiceFromDumbo
Totally agree. "Ask them why they think they're so tired." Oh, okay. There is no way my kids would see through that and resentfully grunt at what they perceive to be concern-trolling or worse.
I agree with shutting the door but addressing smells is another story...
6
Raising the young... I'm a huge advocate of Boarding Schools if affordable. Hogwarts would have been better if there hadn't been any summer vacation for all concerned. You don't automatically like the people you're raising or do they like you necessarily. I don't know if people do better not having to live with parents until they are "adults", but its very stressful. Money is the issue for all concerned. Is abuse at boarding schools evil? I think its probably rarer than they'd like to imply.
9
One of the things that has proved very helpful for me is focusing on the transgression, rather than the transgressor. What that means is taking exception with a particular behavior rather than making it personal against the child.
So rather than "you left your jacket on the floor and it's making the house messy," it becomes "we try to keep our house neat so the floor probably isn't a good place for a jacket." Or whatever reason you feel you would prefer the jacket end up in the closet on a hanger rather than on the floor.
The teen psyche is already very fragile, almost always on the defense and on guard against perceived and real threats from peers, etc. They can't always strike back when they feel belittled outside, so sometimes the home is the only place to push back against what is seen as a personal attack or criticism.
However, if it's presented in a way that doesn't make the child feel the need to defend his or herself, they are more able to step back and look at the incident to which we've taken offense in a more objective way.
Using this approach I often will get rather than a verbal push back either silent compliance, or an acknowledgement with something like "my bad," and then compliance. Not 100% of the time, but often. And it makes for a much more harmonious home.
Disclaimer: I am not a child psychologist or anything even close. Just an average parent.
25
I was the parent of a teenage stepson whom I raised after his mother and I divorced and he chose to live with me rather than her (largely out of antipathy towards her than closeness to me). I was probably too disengaged but my point of view was that, as long as his behavior was not dangerous to him. to me, or some innocent bystander, I'd leave him be after explaining to him what I thought to be a better course of action. He, now 34, has, at least by conventional societal standards, been a success -malthough we no longer communicate at all. It's always nystified me that people seek to police the largely irrelevant personal foibles of their children with an eye to coercion to arbitrary norms.
6
They aren’t arbitrary. They allow you to get along with people later in life and have relationships centered on respect. In society, one must make compromises in order to have a healthy life. Healthy is happy. And a happy child who grows into a happy adult is every parent’s dream. Discipline coupled with love is the education a child needs to be a respectful member of society. It is equally as good for society as for the individual. The only way to learn these things as a child is in a loving home, where everyone has a role, works for the good of the home, and where peace reigns. Thinking of my child as a future member of society has helped me be a better, more patient parent.
14
Somehow being a “success “ as an adult includes communication with one’s parents. Particularly a parent he lived with. Just saying.
8
Perhaps one of the best articles I have read about having teenagers. Thank you!
5
Here's the thing, parents: If you have a healthy relationship with your child, what you think is "right" will not be universally accepted by them as they grow to adulthood. This is because: 1) none of us are universally right, and 2) your child is a separate person from you. I would say that you should despair if your child accepts everything you tell them because they are lost in the swaddling that should have been removed years ago.
I've thought that these should change as one's child gets older:
1) Their need for protection decreases
2) Their need for parental approval decreases but is still very important
3) Their need for independence increases
4) Their need for different and trusted perspectives increases
5) Their need for the emotional safety of their closest family member (parents) remains constant and critical
As with almost every healthy pursuit in life, taking our destructive ego out of parenting is all-important.
27
So, the solution to coats on the floor is to play tennis. Nice!
Great article.
6
Joan Borysenko said that a lesson she learned from her battles with her teenage son was that: "You can be right or you can be happy."
The suggestions are good ones. Be the model of who you would like your child to be.
Definitely apologize for losing your temper: it goes a long way to opening the door - to people of all ages, but especially teens who are often thinking a lot but also likely to clam up if pushed into a corner. I wish I had done it more often.
14
My mother had a very simple plan to keep me from hanging everything on the floor: If it wasn't in the laundry hamper, it did not get washed!
8
@Richard Marcley
You're lucky. My mother donated or threw away everything left on the floor. (Not kidding one bit!) My mom, to this day, makes Marie Kondo look like a hoarder.
3
If one considers that the teen brain is somewhat “under construction,” then the apparent disarray in the teen’s room sort of makes sense. If all important things are more or less in order in the teen’s life: sleep, nutrition, education, work, self-responsibility, mental/emotional well being, healthy sexuality, then it seems to me that clothes on the floor might just be the pressure release valve. Ease up! My very bright and responsible 18 year old son leaves a coating of clothes on the floor so thick I can barely detect the rug beneath it but as he once said to me, “Mom, I know I can be a little messy but I am focused on more pressing things right now.” I decided to support him on that mission. (I should add that I do not clean up after him and he does his own laundry and has for several years.). Give your kids responsibility and the freedom that goes with it.
25
I find this article very timely. My daughter is in grade 9 and has been suffering from severe migraines....has missed at times up to 2 weeks of school. Her marks have been impacted as a result, gone from an A student in math to barely passing. My focus has been on missing school and long term impact...until I realized that she felt that I did not care about her as I was not focused as much on her pain. This was resulting in quite a bit of conflict. I am now focused on the now....dealing with her migraines and if she needs to go to summer school so be it.
Also close the door of their rooms if a mess.....then you don't see it. Most of the time is it just clothes anyway!
9
@stephanie I think you are quite astute and compassionate in how you support your daughter. Acknowledging another's pain and struggles is one of the most precious gifts that we can give.
3
Don't assume you and your teenager will have the same ways of organizing a room either. When my parents tried to put all my books back their way and reorganized the rest of the books on the shelves, I could no longer find the books I wanted. That system didn't last long and I was left feeling violated and wondering how they could have missed that I tended to put books together by author, regardless of paperback versus hardback. My suggestion would be to give your teenager a couple of days or a week to come up with their own system for organizing their clothes or their books. If you try to impose YOUR system it won't last. Tell your teenager to come up with a system they can stick with. Ask "How do you want to organize your books?" or "How do you want to organize your clothes?". Also if your teenager has 2 tests or a big project due, be flexible enough to extend a deadline by a day or 2.
11
@Letitia Jeavons Good point. Julie Morganstern's books on organization are marvelous for helping kids come up with customized systems that work for them. She organizes space by zones--the homework zone, the clothes zone, etc. and points out that when things don't get put away, it may be that the zone needs some fixing (overstuffed drawers? Clothes end up on floors.)
3
I never comment but after reading what some people are commenting I had to. I’m not a teenager anymore but at 23 I am still young enough to actually remember what it’s like and it was rough. I love my mother so much and we are very close but there was, and sometimes still is, a lot of conflict in our relationship but it’s never been because I wanted to hurt or punish my mom in any way it was because I was trying to darndest to be my own person and figure out what that meant. Now obviously I wasn’t an adult and couldn’t function and be responsible like an adult and absolutely needed parental guidance and regulation but I think there are a lot of areas where my mom was trying to regulate my behavior where it was not only futile but also unnecessary and probably damaged our relationship. To this day most of the conflict has come from my mom thinking I should live my life one way and I don’t agree. And I should say I never did drugs, I didn’t drink till I was an adult, I never did dangerous or illegal things, I got good grades in high school without her having to ride me, and got myself into university. She could have saved us both a lot of pain if she had just learned to let some of the small things slide and asked herself “will this really hurt my child in the long term?” That’s just my two cents.
88
These comments are interesting especially the few who reflect that the writer believes their kids do things on purpose to manipulate or "push buttons" or disrespect. Those beliefs are insightful because I'd have to then understand that this is what they did as teenagers.
Now I'm 59 yo, so it's been a long time but I cannot remember doing something to purposefully antagonize my parents ...I was mostly in my mind about school work, friends, and just trying to figure out the world and why it seemed so hard. And that's what I saw when our son was a teenager too. I didn't take it his actions or inactions so personally like my parents had mine. But then again as a teenager I came to firmly believe that respect is earned.
11
My teenage sons' rooms were payback for how I tortured my mother.
I hope their children return the favor, except when grandma comes to visit.
17
I'm compulsively neat. Born that way, I believe. My husband is sloppy and messy, as were my 2 kids when they still lived at home. I clean up. Every day. I need it neat to be comfortable. I don't complain and I don't yell. I'm doing it for me, because I need it. Works for us.
27
@AMM Beautiful.
1
That first paragraph is a reminder that I am not alone.
Thank you.
4
Can the next article be about PARENTS who push our buttons?
Frankly, they’re worse than teens.
51
"Can the next article be about PARENTS who push our buttons?
Frankly, they’re worse than teens."
That's fair. They installed our buttons.
...Andrew
2
@JR Haha! Well played.
2
Teen leaves coat on the floor and half-eaten food in the living room, and her mother doesn't think she has larger problems than "pushing my buttons"? I can offer an alternative response that I once read by a woman whose husband would leave his clothes on the floor, under the assumption that his wife would launder them and return them to the closet and bureau. One day, he reached into the drawer and found no clean underwear. Asked his wife about their absence and she said "I threw them away. I thought that's why you left them on the floor". Problem solved.
Two options for teen: either she has serious ADD or she is pushing her mother's buttons.
11
@Karen
My kids had to buy back any item of clothes the left on the floor including the two towels each of the three of them had had. I was a single parent starting a legal career with less than no free time and this paid off quickly for all of us. This was back in the late 80s and the going rate was 50 cents per item and they had minimal allowances. I had some nicer lunches too as a result.
25
Why are you telling a teenager to put a coat on a coat rack at all? Unless the garment is wet or dirty, the coat belongs in the teenager's room along with all their other personal belongings. If they want to leave a jacket on the floor, let them. It's none of your business. They can figure out how to organize things however they want. Just don't help them when they lose something in the mess.
Honestly though, the best way to get a teenager to clean their room is to let them have friends over in their room. The room becomes an extension of the teenager's identity. They'll work to maintain appearances when peers, especially of the opposite gender, criticize untidiness. You shouldn't have to teach a kid how to use a vacuum or do laundry. They should come to you asking to learn how.
14
Hi, actual teenager here (I’m 17.) Since groups of adults talking about how teens feel without any teenagers involved is one of my least favorite things, I felt the need to contribute.
Yes, my room is a mess. No, I am not trying to “push my mom’s buttons.” Yes, I do know that my messy room upsets her. Actually, it upsets me as well. I hate living in a mess. It bothers me more that it does her. I know this because we’ve been able to have a reasonable conversation about why we each value tidiness and our own perspectives on the issue, instead of her screaming at me over how I am disrespecting her.
No, I will not be picking up my room anytime soon. Not because I don’t want to (I very much want to.), but because I am a senior in high school, finals are fast approaching, I have a million and two other things on my plate, and the moment I walk in the door I want to just fall into bed but I have another 6-8 hours of homework instead.
I’m sure other teens have somewhat similar reasons. We’re just too overwhelmed to deal with managing our parents. So, because my mom and I have been able to talk things through, for now, the mess is contained to my room. Graduation is May 31. On June 2, my room will be spotless.
158
@Claire - I love this. And you know what? Many professionals would say the same thing - "my office is a mess but I have too many deadlines to find time to clean it up". That's reality! I'm glad you are prioritizing your finals, and wish you the best on y our graduation and whatever comes next.
24
@Claire: Congratulations (in advance) on your graduating from high school. I hope you will have an enjoyable summer and that you will be starting college in the fall at a school of your choice and that you will discover what you want to do in life while you are there.
Best of luck in your future endeavors and may your future living spaces be well maintained.
7
The article wasn’t really about that. It wasn’t about your personal space but the common areas where members of a family cross lives. As long as you don’t expect your mom to clean your room, your personal space is yours. Moms work too. Moms don’t have time to pick up your stuff in common areas. But, yeah, your space is yours. I would argue that if you took an hour to clean your room, your mind would be more organized and you would do better on your finals. But, in the end, that’s your decision because it’s your room.
3
@Cathy and others angry about disrespect - I hear you - and I also hear Doctor Solomon's recommendations about maintaining calm. I employ a middle way - calm, friendly forgetfulness. When our teen does something that could be disrespectful or lazy like tossing laundry on the floor- I will remind him calmly that he should be careful because I may also forget to do work for him if he doesn't do his work for our family team. I may forget to do his laundry so he needs to do it, I could forget where I put his phone if he overuses it, I may forget where the TV remote is for the same reason (and did actually misplace it -we had to go pick up another one from the cable company a few weeks later), I may forget to buy any of his favorite foods when I do grocery shop if he doesn't help me shop - and so it's scrambled eggs for dinner. This isn't just a game, later when he's off taking care of himself, if he forgets to do things- there's not going to be anybody around to do them for him. That's all a description of what we can forget to get them on track-what we can remember to do is teach them how to do their own laundry, grocery shop and teach them how to cook, not as a punishment, but as a positive vote of confidence that we know they're going to be off at college and in the working world being successful someday and they're going to be happy to know how to do those things!
15
The rule to guide behavior within the family (and applies to both children and spouses) is simple: would they interact with relative strangers with whom they were staying temporarily- e.g., the parents of a friend - the same way?
If they wouldn't, then treating those close to you with less courtesy and respect than you would afford a stranger is unacceptable. This need not be pointed out in a screaming fit, but the point should be made: being a teenager, or having had a bad day at work/home/school, is no excuse.
10
@PMN How should the point be made? is what the article is addressing.
3
I disagree. Right from toddlers,
children are often well behaved for teachers and strangers and then dissolve into a mess for parents. Parents and home are their safe space to reveal themselves and all their emotions and quirks. If you believe that children should always respect you, you’ve got this whole parenting thing wrong.
7
Loving relationships entail sacrifice from both parties; it has to be reasonable, yes, but it also has to be reciprocal.
5
Rarely is it well advised to lose one's temper in reaction to something someone else has chosen to do. As in parenting toddlers, parenting teenagers requires patience, a sense of humor, the ability (for all) to take a deep breath and count to ten, and the knowledge that so much of how children engage with their parents is to test and to learn about the broader world around them. Our homes and families are little testing grounds for our broader lives. Keeping them healthy, respectful and kind helps to ensure that they will be places our children will wish to return even long after they have moved out and on with their lives.
7
Reading about Motivational Interviewing may help. This type of communication is designed for therapist/client interactions but can easily be adapted to parent/child. I find these techniques helpful when I'm at my wits end.
7
These comments, as far as I have been able to discern, are all coming from adults, many with children. I see quite the lack in representation of the other group this article discusses, teenagers. As a 16 year old myself, I am here to fix that. So far, I have been raised by two amazing humans who have done a wonderful job communicating their desires and feelings about my actions. This open communications has been a vital part in the respect I have for them. I am acutely aware of how hard they work and what it costs them when I do things such as leave my clothes around the house and my dishes in the sink. And in turn, they know that I forget to clean and I am under stress as well. I do not see my parents as authority figures, and that is a good thing. I see them as other humans who have earned my respect and love. So when they ask something of me or we argue, we can do so with an equal playing field. I don't feel the need (usually) to rebel or purposefully bother them.
That being said for general parenting. I have a message from teenagers. Most of the time, we are not "pushing your buttons" on purpose. We are tired and forgetful and will do things that drive you crazy simply because we don't realize it does or forget it does. Don't yell and accuse, that just builds resentfulness. The most effective way to communicate is to treat us as equals, tell us how it honestly makes you feel. We aren't alien creatures to be controlled, we are just slightly less experienced people.
96
@Fiona I like your approach, but would only take issue with the idea of being truly “equals.” Parents and children both deserve equal respect and empathy. But there is not equality in terms of other attributes of the relationship. (Usually) parents bear responsibility for replacing damaged items that were left of the floor, buying the food and clothes that get left out and damaged or wasted, dealing with the repercussions of teenagers’ forgetfulness (like leaving a candle burning or the front door unlocked or a window open...). Usually children do not have the financial or practical ability to fix problems they create out of carelessness. This inequality in responsibility means it’s not an equal relationship. (I can think of cases where the parent might be the one causing problems and the child is picking up the pieces, but that is rarer, dysfunctional, and unequal in the reverse). As a result, children are often not as motivated to avoid making certain types of mistakes, since the ramifications fall on the parents. Maybe this isn’t true for you in particular, but this is something I see happening frequently.
39
@J: C'mon. You're missing what I think is Fiona's point that they respect each other equally and each has a sovereign right to dignity and being heard. It also feels like a weird beat-back to an obviously amazing teen, instead of supporting someone like her.
Yes, of course each of us have responsibilities and the parents bear the responsibility of taking care of their children. Too bad if it's more than the child, who also has responsibilities that are equally as burdensome based on relative maturity.
Each person is manifestly equal to any other person, though their individual burdens and abilities may be different.
12
@Steve We aren’t saying anything different from each other in my opinion. You seem to stress that parents and children have responsibilities equal to their ability to handle them, and I agree. But inherent in that is parents bearing more responsibility because they can handle more. That’s not equal. I told my parents that I could never repay them for all they did for me, but I would pay it forward, which I do for my children. But I expect my children to recognize that they are in a position to receive more and I am in a position to give more. This is indeed unequal. I don’t resent it. But I don’t want my children to underestimate the gift of someone willing to give freely. Some kids definitely need to be reminded what their parents do. Mine are in their own world otherwise and can become thoughtless and inconsiderate. Reminders bring them back to earth and help them see their place as part of something bigger (a family, a community). I acknowledged explicitly this might not be the case for Fiona, so I don’t understand your characterization of the comment.
6
Excellent advice in this article. This is also something I try to embody daily as a high school teacher. Students respond so much better in the classroom when the teacher doesn't take things personally and approaches problems and failures with a calm "we're in this together" mindset.
13
I'm taping this article to my spouse's forehead. Thank you.
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I am so proud of my plan for clothes on the floor. I just beat him to the punch and toss the clean ones on the floor for him! Likewise when I have the courage to use his bathroom the trash goes on the floor as well. I am fortunate to have a spot that he can use and I don't mind too much going into. Actually it gives me great pleasure to stomp on his clothes! He has everything he needs to put things away but just decides not too.. My eldest son was a complete mess at home but in college he has the cleanest room of all his friends. I spent way to much time fighting with my eldest and regret it so much. So my second son and I live more like roommates and it works.
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A teenager's bedroom is 'off limits' to parents. Get over your worry about rotting food and dirty clothes, hidden porn magazines and whatever else you think is the problem.
My boys had complete control over their rooms. I asked them to put clothes THEY wanted washed in the laundry basket, or offered for them to wash their own clothes, for example
Otherwise, a closed door meant 'keep out, Mom'.
They are now both responsible adults with tidy houses, no maids, and shared responsibilities with their wives.
Save your energy for the big stuff. And there will be big stuff, of course.
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@elained Same here. Started in middle school. It took me 6 months not to feel guilty. One caveat - they weren't allowed to ask to help look for things in their rooms. :)
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@elained But what about rats and mice?
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@elained Our rule was your room was yours to keep as you want but the exception was no rotting food. About every other day I would ask them to go in right now and bring out plates and dead food and they would; no lecturing, no shaming, just please help me keep things sanitary. Once bugs and rodents get in the house, they are too hard to get rid of, so no rotting food was essential. I knew I'd won when one of the boys came home complaining about how a friend's room was so disgusting because there was old food all over the place, and did he not understand about bugs?
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It's interesting to see dads' vs. moms' perspectives in these comments and what aspects of teen behavior triggers their buttons. Teenagers are lucky when they have two involved parents, but it can also lead to a "triangle" situation where the teen feels both of them have ganged up on him/her and at that point they shut down and stop listening.
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Th reason teens push buttons is because they installed them
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You needed a GPS to navigate the clothing and empty drink ware maze in my daughter’s room. Drove me nuts, considering what an intelligent, thoughtful person she is.
I wouldn’t say we fought about it, but it was definitely a bone of contention between us. When I’d ask, “Why?” I’d get the, “It’s my room, why do you care so much?” reply. She’d also point out that as far as bad habits go, this wasn’t the worst thing she could be doing. Well played my child.
She left for college last fall, and guess who sometimes peeks into her empty, immaculate room and wishes he saw mountains of clothing and empty water tumblers? Thankfully, she quickly reverts to her old ways when home on breaks. :)
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@Brian That’ll be me come the fall but your comment has me crying now.
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@Brian. Beautiful comment. Yep, I feel the same way with two clean rooms. I'd go back to the messy chaos in a heartbeat. I too look forward to their messy college breaks.
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I started having my kids do their own laundry in 8th grade. With my oldest, it was a bone of contention bc she left it in a basket, unfolded, and picked out of it all week. It only slightly improved as she waited weeks -until she was entirely out of clean clothes and the hamper was over flowing -to do her laundry. This drove me nuts. Until I decided it wasn’t the Hill I was going to die on and I let it go. And closed the door. She is off at college now and the room is immaculate, and empty. I have learned with the others not to argue over this - there are far more important things- and I bite my tongue as I step through the landmine of clothes, cords, books and water bottles on their floor.
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Two things to NEVER say:
1. "When I was your age" - youve already lost them.
2. "I know how you feel." No you don't.
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Teens are smart, crafty creatures. For many years, from earliest babyhood in fact, they have been learning how to manipulate their environment--and their parents.
Do teens knowingly do things to rattle or freak out their parents? Of course they do. The worst possible parental response is to show that the bad behavior is having its intended effect.
Recognize that your teen is a strong opponent and is indeed trying to push your buttons. Stay calm, cool and reflective. Use your own substantial talents (and some of the tips offered in this article) to avoid letting your teen run your life. You are the parents, after all.
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Get real. Your teen actually is trying to push your buttons in order to manipulate you, a subject he/she has been diligently studying and applying since babyhood.
When your teen does something that makes your gut churn and your blood pressure begin to rise, that is the time to take a deep breath and cool down. The worst possible parental response is to show that the bad behavior is having its intended effect; i.e., reinforcing the bad behavior and pretty much guaranteeing it will continue in the future.
Do teens knowingly and deliberately do things to rattle or freak out their parents? Of course they do. Recognize that your teen is a strong opponent and is indeed trying to manipulate you. Use your own substantial talents (and some of the tips offered in this article) to avoid letting your teen run your life. You are the parents, after all.
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@Mon Ray - Um, wow.
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@Mon Ray As a 17 year old, I really hope my own parents don’t see me this way. I would never intentionally try to hurt them. If you have a child of your own, I am sorry your relationship is so broken.
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@Mon Ray: This is only the case if one has raised them with a power-manipulation dynamic. Children want to please their parents and that is their primary motivation when they are younger. Giving praise to children when they have done something well, and asking them why they did something that isn't helpful, is the best way to have non-manipulative children.
Teens simply want to be respected, create some independence and have support from their family. So it becomes less about the parent's values and more about the person that's becoming an adult. Spoiler: their values as adults will not those of the parents.
Children will mimic their parent's social strategy, so basically you reap what you sow.
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Great advice for any relationship, familial, friend, or business. Smash your judgment machine and leave it at the curb-- it's been broken for years anyway. Making judgments is just playing God, trying to have others follow my script (which by the way I never gave them a copy of.)
I argued for years with my teenage daughter, who was somewhat left of Fidel Castro politically. I believed that by "countering the liberal nonsense" that I was sure (but did not know) her teachers were feeding her, I was just giving her the big picture so she could fairly decide things. A 12-step sponsor said, "no, you just want to be right. Don't argue, just listen." Convinced this was flaky advice, I followed it anyway and kept my mouth shut, other than to say things like "That's interesting."
Fast forward, I moved leftward politically (thanks to making an effort to have an open mind and helped by seeing the insane cruelty of Trumpism). We started having real conversations. Our relationship is great today, and we generally agree, and sometimes disagree but in a civil manner. The sponsor was right.
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@rich: Regardless of where your daughter truly was on the political spectrum when she was a teen, I doubt she is left of Fidel Castro at this point.
Happy to hear you have a good relationship with your daughter.
Glad you moved leftward.
So much of parenting is guesswork. Did I guess wrong about my child's behavior? Have I encouraged poor social skills by not arguing more about what they did that was unacceptable to me? These are the tough questions a parent asks themselves.
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Wonderful piece Cheryl! I have an 18 year old son, and just completed the college admission process. My husband and I could have used this piece as a daily reminder to modify our own behavior. My father was a behavioral psychologist and expert whitewater paddler and he would take his college students down the Nantahala river, introducing them to nature as well as giving them collaborative skills that require they be in the moment. At the beginning of the run, he instructed them, “it takes two people to paddle the canoe successfully down the river. There will be moments that you will be certain your partner is the problem in navigating the boat. They probably are not.” I’m still hearing from his students 30 years later that they apply this philosphy to all elements in their lives. Well done Ms. Maquire.
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Teens are dealing with so many things, just biologically and psychologically, with their changing bodies. Add to that an outsized societal microscope called social media, often cruel and torturous to the fragile ego. Kids and teens need a steady, calm and loving parent these days more than any generation before. Focusing on what you're teen isn't doing right is the last thing they need from you.
When I was a kid, everything I did was viewed through the lens of, 'Look at what she's doing to me.' My mother thought all my actions were done intentionally at her, and this is especially true for how I kept my room. My room was a mess! But I didn't keep it that way to thwart her. I actually was overwhelmed, didn't know where to begin, and had no idea how to organize. Had she helped me, rather than berate me, we both would have been much happier.
We've been estranged for decades now. I still have a hard time cleaning my room, though I enlist the help of others to keep it ordered. But how I clean my home today isn't the point. The point for every parent to consider is, 'do I want a good, loving relationship with my child, or do I want to exert power?' You can have one or the other, but rarely both.
My mom chose to exert power and still uses it to shun her only daughter. She choses her (mis)perceptions over love.
Parents, your beliefs aren't always right. You're the most powerful person in your child's life. Be careful how you use it.
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@Regina Valdez - This is a powerful addition to the discussion here; one that I can profoundly relate to. My hope is that you have been able to find solace and peace within your strong spirit, because rejection from our mothers is so destructive to our very souls. Sending you comfort...
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@Regina Valdez I'm sorry to hear of your estrangement, but wonder if we, as a community, are giving too much emphasis on the pressures on teens. I have teenage grandchildren, and raised 2 children, and yes, I was considered "tough". My children have learned to respect what I was teaching them, and yes-they had messy rooms that drove me nuts-but the door was closed. Did they do things I did not agree with? YES. Did I discuss it with them? Again yes. Did they resent that? yes, but as a parent, it was my job to help them grow. And now as a grandparent, I can help my grandkids grow. I am not talking about making their lives a living hell, but taching to be respectful, considerate, and self responsible-and it takes teaching-it does not happen by accident.
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@Sethelm - you make an excellent point about your deliberate parenting choices which appear to have involved a specific chain-of-command orderliness and high degree of expectations with the goal of raising competent and independent adults; we should acknowledge in Regina's Comment that she was raised in tyranny that was overwhelming and not instructional or informative during her develpoment. Her situation is very common and her challenge to us parents to be cautious about the power and control we wield is appreciated by me.
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Great article. In every conflict, each person involved plays a part. Really good guidance in this piece.
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I didn't yell at my teens because I feared my past, or their future. I yelled at my teens - and now my semi-adult children - because things like tossing the laundry I just washed and folded on the floor was disrespectful, a failure on their part to act with basic courtesy and regard for others.
It is an act of lazy moral failing - failure to act with basic responsibility towards others.
It still is. When they have their own homes, they can act like bears with furniture, and live with kitchens and bathrooms capable of spawning new life - their very own, home grown Swamp Things. But, living here, with me, they are expected to act with basic social, interpersonal responsibility.
Kids DO push our buttons. They stretch their independence and ability to make their own decisions, and they stretch the boundaries that you draw for them. Much of that is necessary, but some of it is unacceptable. Parents get to point out just what is unacceptable.
They have both burgeoning rights and burgeoning responsibilities. Button pushing is the result of demanding more rights while ignoring responsibility.
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@Cathy - That’s one way to look at it. The article was offering a mindful and constructive way to interact with our children that allows us as parents to look at our teens’ stage of development and not take it personally. Because at the end of the day, their development has nothing to do with us.
Again, as the article states, button-pushing is not the goal of the child, it is the interpretation of the parent. Getting our backs up about it just confuses the child and adds an unnecessary layer of conflict to the issues they are already dealing with.
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@Cathy i could not agree more about the respect aspect. when my 13-yr old makes a complete mess of something i have just cleaned, or ignores me when I ask her to contribute to the household, that is an affront to me. I struggle to keep my emotions and temper in check, and I do agree with the article that if we freak out, they freak out. I do notice that my daughter flies off the handle a bit in her personal life, and i'm sure she gets that from me.
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These events sometimes feel disrespectful to me too, a taking for granted or actual scorn of the energy, time and care invested to produce a nice meal, or clean clothes. I know I shouldn’t take it personally - children are wired to be selfish - so what are some communication tactics you would recommend for teaching thoughtfulness?
An article on this topic would be appreciated.
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Very interesting to read but parenting is not done the way so many experts opined and opine about it in plenty of books and articles.
Not everyone keeps the rooms clean, adults included. Not everyone is matured, adults included. Everyone is different. Life is never smooth and clean. Life is full of ups and downs including the mess in every way possible.
Parenting is never easy and we simply can’t expect parents to remain calm all the time. Flare ups do happen. The reaction of a parent and children depends upon the nature of the individual concerned.
Arguments do take place a number of times in bringing up the children. Sometimes arguments take place between spouses and sometimes these things happen between parents and children. What keeps them united is family bonding and that should be the single point agenda.
I fondly remember Motherlode. I was closely associated with it as a regular commentator for a number of years. I cherish plenty of fond memories. It would have been nice if it were to continue. Alas not to be ! My best wishes to K.J. Dell’ Antonio.
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My daughter's room is so littered with clothes it makes it difficult to walk. But she listens to the Clash with me, and the clothes on the floor don't seem to matter much to me anymore.
I'm learning that relationship is more important than a messy room - it's difficult for me, but I'd rather be singing London Calling with my daughter than complaining.
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@Kevin - This is beautiful! I will remember this vivid description of connection and respect as I navigate my own teens’ development. Thank you!
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"I left my jacket at tennis practice so it's not on the floor today" - best teen respond!! And I can certainly see both of my twins (girl and boy) saying something clever like this, too. Thanks for the article and reminder that we are all in this together. And that being a teen and a parent can be challenging but also an amazing journey.
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