For some of us, our dogs are our children.
And it is that much more difficult because that have a short life span.
19
No baby hunger for me, not even when I was little. My parents didn't like children, I knew I was one of the children they didn't like, and they were the sort of people who should never have kids. As a 10-year-old, I lay awake at night wondering how, if I ever had children, I would be able to protect them from these awful people. And when I grew up, I could feel that I'd absorbed their loathing of children. If I'd had kids, I'd probably just now be getting out of prison. I'm 71.
19
It never occurred to me to have children. The desire just wasn’t there. Now, at 58, it is a decision that I have no regrets about whatsoever. I rarely consider it until I read articles like this. My dogs “frito feet” however are a different story. The smell takes me back to my own childhood when that particular brand of corn chip was a household staple. That is indeed the “cutest smell ever”.
13
Actually the mechanism that explains why you want to squeeze babies or dogs is somewhat understood . When a mother looks into her newborn baby`s face a hormone called oxytocin is secreted by the pituitary gland . That hormone will facilitate the ejection of milk into the ducts of the breast . The baby will be fed but also the oxytocin rise in the mother `s blood , but also in the baby`s blood , will facilitate the " bonding " between mother and child . The oxytocin secretion in the mother and the baby offers the evolutionary advantage for the perpetuation of the species of mothers taking care and feeding their babies . The oxytocin is also secreted by men , so that fathers will take care of their offspring . This secretion of oxytocin also happens in pets and their owners . In other words dogs hijacked this human bonding mechanism . That is the reason there are more dogs than wolves in the World .
12
I have never wanted kids, and have never felt any pressure to have them, either. I always read about women being treated as abnormal, being pressured, etc, if they do not want kids but I have never felt that.
Except once. When we were in our late 20s, one of my closest friends who had just had a child told me: "Take my advice. Have a kid. It will make you so happy." When I reminded her that I did not want kids, which she had known for years, she said, "All women actually want kids."
She had more kids and pulled away from me in subsequent years, which made me sad.
I simply do not like being around babies or kids. I don't find them inherently cute. They don't smell like anything to me. They are chaotic and exhausting. They are a mountain of tedious and administrative work, that for me overrides the positive aspects.
My friends with kids mostly vanished into motherhood, not least because of the modern culture of martyr parenting—baby wearing, breastfeeding for years, involving the kids in every single outing, toting them everywhere, molding the day entirely around them and their desires, the house monopolized by kid things.
This was not how things were when I was a child. Now you can't go to a nice restaurant without kids running around. Kids scream while they play in public places. Their parents let them. And they cost $$$. And you have no idea who they will become. They could end up causing you untold misery. It seems like such an irrational gamble.
28
Just caught myself writing longwinded comments on this "science of cuteness," now slightly embarrassed. Why? Because cuteness and sexually are the things so basic and simple and amoeba can "understand" it. There really is no mystery on how or why the phenomenon occurs. (Its relationship to impulses of nutrition and sexuality (esp. the fat involved), and triggering caregiving for vulnerable offspring and perpetuation of genes: the intersection and overlap of all 3 drives and impulses conveys the biological basis of cuteness.)
BTW, on the subject of microorganisms, which was the cute one again? Euglena?
2
When it comes to reproduction, it makes complete logical sense to not interfere with nature, for the survival of the species.
If a woman isn't set up to "want" to have children, then it doesn't seem to be in the interest of the society for her to "have" children. Maybe her contribution to the species survival lies elsewhere. Or maybe there wont be any contribution at all, and it's just an evolutionary dead end for that one genetic line out of billions.
For the same reason, abortion should be allowed at all stages, as it allows natural selection to proceed most efficiently. It makes perfect sense to allow people to self-select themselves out of the gene pool.
7
My cute aggression behavior I always find hard to resist (though I really know can be harmful to the young counterpart, and for this reason try to resist it), is whenever I see a very cute baby or toddler, look at them like they are some kind of weird, frightening creature, perhaps a Martian, & say in mock terror "agh!!!" Then I might poke them on a ticklish point to elicit an animal-like squeal accompanied by a grin and laughter. But it's within a context of nearly compulsively pretending to think the child is a strange creature.
One behavior in this vein is to pretend I'm "tasting" (not eating) a limb. Then I will comment to another adult present, so the child hears, something like "hmmm, tastes like chocolate hippopatomous today" or "tastes like stegasaurus" (the latter implying that's my "theory" of the strange creature's species).
In the past I used to play "tickle spiders" (the most frightening creature on earth, accompanying unleashing them with a commentary expressing how terrifying they are, as if this were a scene in a horror film: "oh NOOOOO!!!! TICKLE SPIDERS!!!!! AGH!!!!! ... Oh, I hate tickle spiders!!!!" Babies and toddlers would unfailingly coo and squeal at this treatment. Or, I might initiate a "horror film" scene, declaring myself to be the "tickle monster."
Well, that for some period of time (outgrew, or got tired of it) was my basic repertoire. But one thing is/was for sure: the child's cuteness always seemed to be *multiplied* in intensity by this.
2
Science. We do things, we think things, we love things, because of science. Keep reminding yourself of that all the livelong day.
2
Shakespeare has this exchange between Juliet and Romeo:
JULIET:'Tis almost morning. I would have thee gone.
And yet no further than a wanton’s bird,
That lets it hop a little from his hand
Like a poor prisoner in his twisted gyves,
And with a silken thread plucks it back again,
So loving-jealous of his liberty.
ROMEO: I would I were thy bird.
JULIET: Sweet, so would I.
Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing.
He knew this.
3
I don't have a kid or dogs... heck I don't, in general, even like dogs - it doesn't make me completely immune to the gushy aaaaaah factor when shown a picture of a cute puppy, doing something cute. I even work with kids/babies and yeah some of them are cute.
What it never does for me however is evoke *any* desire to possess either a baby or a dog.. never has. Without that strong emotional response the rational mind takes over super fast - yeah that puppy might be momentarily cute, but it's also a big responsibility that will take a lot of your time and might bark, bite, poo on the floor, tear up your stuff and will put dirt and hair all over your house..
Fortunately for me, not that it would have changed my mind, I've never faced any pressure from my husband (who is more baby phobic than I am) or my family.
5
This is a fluff article or at most a space filler that I would have expected from an old fashioned women's magazine, not the NYT.
3
I am repulsed by human babies, the younger they are the more repulsive I find them. All I smell is poop, and they seem to never shut up. To me children are poop and germ factories especially the ones whose parents are anti-vaxxers. They are actually a threat to humanity.
Puppies, kittens and other young animals I love the way they smell, even most adult animals.
I can see a woman being proud of giving birth, she did all the work but preening, proud of themselves men are a joke, they seem to think it proves to the world that their genitalia functions. Why the big deal, it is something that any living creature routinely does.
If it is true the world population is flat lining or actually declining can only be a good thing, there are far too many humans already.
9
Kittens people. What about kittens??
17
I'll take Puppies anytime!
“Happiness is a warm Puppy.” ~ CHARLES SCHULZ
On the other hand...,
"Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - 'keep away from children.'" ~ PHYLLIS DILLER
Finally, if worse comes to worst...,
"There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.” ~ W. C. FIELDS
8
I think one thing that is overlooked in this discussion is the effect of hormones on the pregnant brain. Many women not enthusiastic about bearing children nevertheless bond with their babies and make good parents. Those 9 months of pregnancy hormones (mostly estrogen) help prime the Mom for motherhood.
2
I live near a day kennel for dogs and it is always crowded with all kinds of breeds. People spend a fortune on their pets and they are so spoiled. I do like dogs very much but cannot understand the amount of money spent on these animals. I can see devoting money to children and risking my life to safe them but never for an animal. There are some childless women who treat their pets as children. This is so sad and I could never allow a dog or cat to replace the love I have for children. There is no greater love than one that comes from a child. They are priceless.
When I was younger I said zero, or MAYBE one kid. Everyone said - you'd be a great parent. I didn't have a partner (they said why not do it on your own?). I have struggled all my life to earn a living despite my good education. Under those circumstances what would parenthood mean for me and any child I might have produced?
I enjoyed working as a teacher for many years with kids of all ages (pre K - 12th grade) and have nieces and nephews to love along with their children.
The world has an overpopulation problem, and in my own way I've done something about it...
No regrets!
14
"My mother screamed at me, then mourned."
Of course she did. If you are an only child, your decision not to procreate has ended the immortality she would have enjoyed through passing her genes to future generations. The buck stops with you,kid. And so does the genetic line.
1
I've never heard of this thing called baby hunger. I wasn't particularly keen on other people's babies, rarely babysat as a teen, and had my first child as a routine step on the road of life. I did love having my two baby boys around, and seeing them grow up, but I never wanted to chew up their chubby cheeks.
My dogs, OTOH, have the yummyest smelling paws on the planet. I'm glad to know that paw hunger is a thing, so I don't feel positively weird!
6
This warrants further study. Maybe it’s akin to the gene sequence that makes some people like the taste of cilantro, while others find it tastes like soap; some people see the blue dress with black stripes whereas other see a white dress with gold stripes? My whole life I’ve been puzzled by the buzz over “new baby smell.” I don’t smell it.
7
I never wanted kids either. As a kid I preferred "boy" toys to "girl" toys and I dressed like a boy. Wonder if there's a lot of women who don't want kids who were also tomboys. I definitely always loved animals. I squueee over baby animals instead of baby humans. I don't have pets now but I do remember smelling my cat and thinking she smelled so good. No matter how long it had been since a bath, haha. And no I definitely don't think babies smell good.
8
At about age six I stopped thinking about having children. I'm more interested in cats, dogs, pigs, goats and birds than I am in children. I've never had maternal urges to produce my own progeny and never suffered from a ticking clock.
12
For decades I have called it the gobble reflex when seeing a baby.
I knew very early on that I wanted to have children. I was 12. I had two sons who I doted on. I now have 5 granddaughters. One granddaughter, a middle child is almost 12, she adores babies. She can’t resist babies —she also loves dogs but is not allowed to have one so she settled for a small furry something to cuddle with. Every time she is around babies and small children she begs to hold and feed them. Her older sister is totally disinterested and looks at her with disdain and rolls her eyes. I feel sure I know which one of these girls will welcome motherhood as I did.
4
I love babies; I don’t care for most animals and avoid them, and loathe today’s pet-fetishizing culture. But far more people seem to insist on forcing their animals on me and telling me I must get a pet than tell me I should have children.
5
Sniffing babies is OK, but it's kittens &, particularly, puppies, that smell really good.
3
I'm a vegetable grower, and I feel this way about seedlings!! They're just so little and adorable and I find myself clenching my fists when I look at them! lol I talked to another farmer friend and she feels the same way and she actually used the term cute aggression to describe it!
7
When it comes to reproduction, it makes complete logical sense to not interfere with nature, for the survival of the species.
If a woman isn't set up to "want" to have children, then it doesn't seem to be in the interest of the society for her to "have" children. Maybe her contribution to the species survival lies elsewhere. Or maybe there wont be any contribution at all, and it's just an evolutionary dead end for that one genetic line out of billions.
So, if someone doesn't "want" children, do not interfere with nature by trying to "coerce" them to do otherwise.
Same logic applies to abortion. Abortion should be allowed at all stages, as it allows natural selection to proceed most efficiently. It makes perfect sense to allow people to self-select themselves out of the gene pool.
1
I love children. I don't like the way I turned out so much, and I'm doing humanity a favor by abstaining.
4
I have 2 adult children, and I can honestly say my husband was a far better mother than I ever was. The kids would agree. I couldn’t wait to return to work after 6 weeks at home. And, yes, I always had dogs that I was crazy about. Their paws smelled great!
3
I can’t believe the shallowness of this article. I get it: Not everyone wants to be a parent. It’s probably also the case that not everyone who wants to be a parent should be one. But I don’t think that the decision to have or not have a family should revolves around “cuteness.”
6
I was stunned that the times thought fit to publish this article so prominently in the week in review section. To reduce the desire (or not) to have children to a "cuteness" desire seems patently absurd. There are many reason people make the decision to have children, some of which have to do with wanting to have that relationship, care give (or not), how you want to live your life, etc. The reasons are multifold and complex- and to numerous to list here. Cuteness? What? Additionally, do you not edit what's written? The description of of the spectrum of sexual desire from homosexual to heterosexual is sexual orientation- not sexual desire. Simply shocking you would print this. Not what I expect from the Times.
3
Shocking, I say. Shocking!
I like the smell of my departed lab’s old bandana.
4
I had only held a baby a couple of times before I became a mother (of 3), and I don’t remember enjoying the experience. When babysitting as a teenager, I especially disliked looking after babies and would gag at dirty diapers, spit up, etc. Even now, other people’s children are generally unappealing.
I’m glad I did not base my decision to have children on the enjoyment or appeal of acquaintances’ children, because there is no comparison. There is a biological/spiritual/emotional shift so profound when you bond with your own child that you could never truly explain it your former self. It makes you immune to all the gross stuff when it’s your own baby. You do enjoy smelling their little heads and toes, and staring into their little baby faces, and yes, you do want to “eat them up.” I remember calling my mom after my first was several months old, and telling her that I finally understood how much she loved me and my brother. It’s almost painful to love someone so much.
I still don’t really think of myself as a “kid person,” but I truly love and enjoy my own kids.
10
Thank you for this article. I too have never wanted children, and learned at age 11 that it wasn’t “normal” and something I should keep to myself. Thankfully my mother has always supported my decision, and has been there to reassure me every time a friend, boyfriend, doctor, and even the occasional stranger has been dismissive of my stance (what’s worse is when they look at you like you’re some kind of child hating monster).
I too have an obsession with puppy cuteness, and always wondered why I have a very strong loving urge to squish puppies but not little humans. I have smelled many newborn babies with no reaction, but one wiff of puppy breath (not adult dog breath, because who enjoys that?) sends me into a cuteness frenzy.
I just looked up tokophobia and agree that it’s discussed as problem to be overcome. I do in fact fear pregnancy, because pregnancy directly leads to children. Which to me is logic, not irrational fear.
7
I'm 78, child free, had two abortions while married to keep it that way. Yes, the marriage wasn't good but possibly more important was that I knew I wouldn't be a good mother/parent. Too unhappy in my childhood, no strong female identity, no urge. I like kids (volunteer in kindergarten and it's a blast), I smile at babies and yes hold infants ... but there is not a moment of regret or longing. Having a child, I've learned, is no guarantee they'll be there for you when you're in need. Why bother? There are enough. Maybe too unsure, too selfish ... to each his/her own. So good to have a choice.
5
I find the thought of an “Empty Planet” because we have chosen to curtail overpopulation and the depravity of poisoning evrything around us, far more acceptable than a nuclear armmagedon, also caused by us, that detroys everything and every creature.
Also my dogs and children\grandchildren smell wonderously good.
1
Many of my horses, Arabians, if it makes a difference, have noses that smell like roast turkey.
I love dogs but routinely confess to mine that they stink. However...puppies!!! I stopped in at an adoption event yesterday just to get a baby-canine-aroma fix
4
The article is accurate. Puppies smell like corn chips.
2
“The lady doth protest too much, methinks...”
I was following the author’s logic until she divulged her penchant for smelling her dog’s paws. That, followed by the torrent of comments from like-minded “cat ladies” all who seemed so adamantly content with their childless lives, made me suspect something else afoot here. The biological clock closes the door on child bearing decisions for women....decisions that must be lived with...
1
For what it's worth, I have 'dogbreathmania'. I love to smell my dogs yawns. I can't be the only one out there that does this? Granted, they both have very good breath (no rotting teeth,etc) which makes the whole thing a lot more palatable.
A few less children is not a bad thing.
7
I had hoped for more information and less autobiography here.
6
We need a population that is dropping, why aren't the MALE statisticians lauding this?
Women want more opportunity and choice, do you think if men got pregnant they'd rush out to have large families if there was not a religious/cultural plush to do so???
(eye roll)
4
"Is this an expression of practical concerns or inborn wiring?"
Those aren't the only possibilities -- psychological factors (early life experience) may play a role as well.
That said, one possibility you didn't mention in the article is that birth control technology has created a new element here. It used to be that the sex drive and social conventions that expected marriage were enough to insure reproduction. Now people have a choice, and only some are reproducing, and fewer still reproducing at population replacement value.
Evolution has a quick solution for this. Those who don't reproduce will be lost from the gene pool. Their specific psychology and cultural assumptions will also be lost.
The future belongs to the fecund.
@Josh HillNot if they have any siblings who reproduce, or even first cousins.
2
Being cute is something else babies have going for them.
When my toddlers did something they knew they shouldn't do, I'd often say, "You're lucky you're so cute."
I know, not the best parenting, but then I never claimed to know what I was doing.
But smell?
I knew they'd been playing hard, had probably wet their pants, had drool on their shirts and certainly didn't smell good.
But just after their bath before bed?
Nirvana.
2
I have three grandchildren and adore them all. But I’ve only had the desire to eat up one of them. He just makes me crazy with love. What’s up with that?
I have three pets, and adore them all. But I’ve only had the desire to spoon up the soft tummy of my chubby Siamese. It’s just an overwhelming feeling. What’s up with that?
1
From an early age I never wanted kids either. But this clinched it for me: At age 20 I read an Ann Landers column (1975) in which she asked readers, “If you could do it all over again would you have kids?” 70% — SEVENTY PERCENT!!! — said “No.”
Ann Landers is not the reason I don’t have kids; rather it was just another validation of all my many thoughts about motherhood up until then, some existential and some mundane.
It’s extraordinary to me how mindlessly people bring life into this world. Such people assume that the highest value is to be born and to be alive. But I submit that quality of life is more important. What kind of world are you bringing this new life into? Will the new life that you’ve created come to feel happy that she/he was born? Should we be bringing any more lives into an overly crowded and unsustainable world? Shouldn’t we be taking care of all the lives, human and animal, that are already here — instead of making more?
14
“If not for my precarious reproductive situation, I probably would have pretended to be ambivalent about kids for 10 more years. I would have told people, “I’m not sure. I’ll decide later.” But now there was no later. So I “came out” to everyone. My boyfriend — who wanted to be a father — dumped me. My mother screamed at me, then mourned. And some friends grew distant.”
Gee, you have a terribly selfish circle of people connection. Cut the cord.
2
Yes! Corn chip paws! I have the same olfactory reaction that this author does when I sniff my cat’s adorable feet. And cats generally smell lovely to me, warm, silvan, musky, sometimes slightly floral, always clean. Babies, on the other hand, smell awful, a horrible combination of soapy baby products combining with an underlying odor of rotten milk and diapers.
I understood from the first time I ever saw pregnant woman (I must have been five or six) that I would NEVER want to do that to my body. Pregnancy has always basically horrified me, and I find babies and children completely unappealing. My sister feels the same way. This lack of desire feels fundamental to who I am, like my sexual preference, and not something I could change even if I wanted to, which I don’t.
I’m glad there are people like me to make up for the selfish imbeciles who choose to have nine children, a thoroughly irresponsible act in this age of looming planetary catastrophe. Have children if you must, but please don’t add disproportionately to this poor Earth’s burden.
8
A lot of sick and great answers. Everyone makes a theory to justify his condition, if you can not make Children you make a theory to justify or fool yourself. The animals belong to the wild. Children are great. I was the 12th child. I thank my mother. Yes younger women (relatives) called my mother a rabbit.
What if you can make children but don't want to? Some of us simply aren't suited to parenthood; it has nothing to do with you or your prolific mother, so why be judgmental about it??
5
Hmm...no mention of the other half of the baby/parenting dynamic. The fathers. Completely left out those obsessed males who cant wait to impregnate their wife and have their little boys.
I've always said there is no better birth control, then the sounds of a crying baby, and/or child. Any sense of wanting progeny dries right up when a baby/child cries. When they go full throttle...its not eating them up I'm thinking about...
Whining does the same thing...even adult whining...want to quickly remove the nerve-pollution, and if need be violently...
1
Maurice Sendak recognized “cute aggression” in “Where the Wild Things Are.” The monsters, reportedly based on his own relatives adore/menace Max with the refrain “...we’ll eat you up we love you so. “
4
I have always wanted children as far back as I can remember and I badgered my husband to start pumping them out when he wanted to wait a bit. I had three and wish it could have been more but practicality limited us.
That said, I do not find animals cute. To me they just seem dirty. People walk up to you and expect you to pet their animal as they beam with pride and out of politeness I will smile and pet and then first opportunity will go wash my hands in disgust. I just don’t get it. They are animals. And please keep them away from my baby. Lol.
2
@Ann Smith ok, but please keep your baby away from my dogs. I would hate for them to get baby slobber on them! It's so gross!
6
@Ann Smith
Just know that many people feel the same way about the snotty, little, germ factories you call your kids... Children are gross, they spread spit and snot and worse everywhere they go and seem to be able to touch nearly everything with their sticky little hands.
You'll find me having zero approval of people who take their dogs into grocery store - but even less for those who let their germy kids touch everything they can reach from the cart.
(Oh... and having your baby around pets is actually good for them... keeping the precious darling too clean has been shown to be linked to development of allergies)
7
The article, the theme, and the personal impressions in it are so full of ineptly disguised political correctness that it is hard to decide where to begin demolishing it.
Briefly, evolution by natural selection rules: you either use your environment to grow healthy and have offspring, or that is it. As far as the human race is concerned, you are irrelevant.
Yes, you may contribute ideas, save millions of lives, nurture your nieces, invent a better mousetrap, but somebody else would probably do all that if you weren't there.
Without offspring, though, you cannot be taken seriously when you talk about the future of our species. You won't be there to collect the fruits or to pay the price, who cares about your investment? Not even you.
That is why your approach is backwards. Seek not why we are overwhelmed by cuteness - the answer is obvious and has been known for many decades (if you have not found it, I say you have not looked): those of us who can control the urge to actually eat our babies, because they are so cute, will have a better chance of having viable offspring.
Lock a rat population, 50/50 male and female, with plenty of food, in a big cage. While the food lasts, they will breed like, well, rats. When the food is gone, they will continue to breed like rats, but will eat each other's babies.
A desire not to have offspring - women not wanting to gestate and nurture, men not wanting to support mother and baby - is best treated under "abnormal psychology".
2
Why are the advocates of universal reproduction on this thread so nasty and judgmental? No one's telling you how to live, so why do you feel the need to lecture and label childless people as defective? I hope those aren't the values you teach your children.
11
This headline is a bit off. I do not love to snuggle babies because of science. Science explains why I want to cuddle and sniff babies.
To me, not wanting kids or loving that baby smell is like a mental defect, as I can’t even imagine it. Like people who like to sniff dirty diapers— I just. Don’t. Get. It. But people do sniff them.
On a purely Darwinian/evolutionary angle, it must be a mental defect, no?
Anyway it’s fascinating if science can figure out exactly why this happens.
I always called them “Frito paws”.... Best smell in the world.
2
Why are so very many NYT articles now (for the past few years at least) written by, and often for, people under the age of 30-35?
So many of those writers expound on topics and insights that the rest of us adults figured out or dealt with any number of years ago.
I'm quite interested in the science discussed in this article, but I nearly missed it because the opening sentences of the article -- the part that, aside from the title, is supposed to grab and hold readers' attention -- was so simultaneously uninteresting and irritating that I came close to clicking the "Back" icon. I mean, sorry 20- to late 30-somethings, but not everything, and certainly not the NYT, is your personal Facebook page or blog.
I know to you I may sound crotchety, but I'm younger than many of your parents; and to many of similar age and stage in life (not to mention the hundred million or more who are older than us), much of what you choose to write about in the NYT is, for us, just plain boring (current piece excepted). And your "Me-Generation" mimicking and seemingly ubiquitous need to make everything self-referential makes your writing rather tedious to read.
To the NYT editors (those who care about maintaining subscribers in the 45-115 y.o. range), your obvious desperation to capture the Millennial and Gen-Z demographic by trying to appeal, topically and stylistically, to what you've convince yourselves are their sensibilities may be putting you at risk of losing the rest of us.
6
Oh Pagan, you took the words right out of this 63-year-old, happily childless woman. When I was younger, I had so many people tell me I’d change my mind, or that I will regret it when I said I didn’t want kids. And I would usually come back with, “If I could have a puppy, I might consider it”. (And yes, I love that corn chip paw smell.)
Gynecologists are the worst—at least now they spare me from the cheerleading, but trying to find one that cares about the problems of older women is tough. The assumption that if you are a woman, you must want to hold the baby, drives me crazy. Some women may lean more towards wanting children, but I do believe that societal pressure, especially religion, plays a big part. However, I’ve been out for years; I make it clear that it’s not for me, usually with a self-deprecating joke (you see, even I can’t shake off all the guilt). At the same time, I can be happy for those that want kids and have them—as long as it’s not too many.
Which brings me to all the alarmist suggestions that a reduction in population is bad. Huh? Yes economically, it spells trouble, but environmentally, it’s a necessity. Maybe we need to figure out a way to survive with fewer people and in harmony with, not in competition with, the rest of the planet.
7
My reproductive years came and went with hardly a concern... the men I met were ambivalent about children, as was I. Instead of motherhood, I was doing things I wanted to do, like joining the Peace Corps and living at an ashram. At the time, I felt a bit guilty ...... if I'd had better parenting models myself, wouldn't I want to be a mother?
And then I hit menopause: Game over. Now in my 60s, I look back and see I was choosing not to have a child every step of the way. Choosing the path I wanted. I'd have learned important things by having children, but I am grateful for the lessons I've learned along the path I followed.
7
When they are just born they are so cute that you would eat them up... once grown up you wonder: why I did not do it.
5
Although I’m childless by choice, I do love doting on babies and puppies. But I never have had the slightest urge to sniff or squeeze them. That’s just plain wrong. Do we really need to waste precious resources on studying absurd things like “cute aggression”? Maybe it’s just me, but these NYT navel gazing articles are making me want to pop some buddle wrap big time.
4
Get the Volvo.
2
The Indonesians have a word for it: gemas. It is the feeling that comes over you when you see a baby and you want to squeeze it, hug it, or even bite it.
I wonder if this is why my dog licks my ears in the morning when we awake- I get the distinct sense he wants to eat me in a loving way.
1
When I was in a relationship with an Indonesian girl, in her family they would pinch a cute baby in the cheek and say 'gemas!', the word that describes the feeling and urge one has to pinch something cute.
I never wanted kids and knew that from a young age. I wondered if here was something wrong with me when I would not find what most people find adorable: food on the face, etc., so while my friends and family laughed at the antics of their babies, I stood there wondering why I had zero reaction and zero interst in the every five second "Look at him/her doing wahtever....." Yeah, and?
But, give me a puppy, kitten or other animal and I'm done. I melt with joy at their adorableness, clean up their vomit with no squick feeling and want to just squish them all the time.
People are wired differently.
6
Before I got married, I had two friends from vastly different backgrounds tell me they love their kids but don't have any. One told me if you have children you will never have sound sleep again. I never felt the need to have children even before that advice. Some people just want to and some people just don't. When I have been asked on that rare occasion why I don't have children I just say that's why there's birth control. This gets the message across that ,yes, you are fertile, but you decided not to have any children. I also told someone that said I was selfish for not having children that we are not living in a science fiction movie where there's only a couple hundred people left on Earth. If that was the case I would do my part but that is not the case today.
6
Ah! A safe space to share my obsession about my first cat. Each day after breakfast she would announce it was tummy-time. I would have to scurry after her as she scampered from room to room with her tail held high just like a little kitten. She would lead me to the picture window where she would stretch out and I would gently stroke her tummy and tushie and tell her she was going to be a delicious dinner. Starting with kitty-toe soup, moving on to baby-belly bacon and big-butt chops. Dessert would be cattitude-pudding. My heart was broken when she passed away.
I miss her.
5
It baffles me, as a woman in her late thirties, that I will cradle my eight pound dog in my arms while cooing at her and kissing her cheeks but have politely demurred offers from friends to hold their newborns when visiting them in the delivery room. I have little desire to parent and absolutely no desire for pregnancy. I even once bolted from a room after my pregnant friend placed my hand on her distended belly to feel her baby move. However, I do have a desire to nurture, as I believe most of us share. I express my care through my work in non-profit with high school students and through my decision to adopt three dogs. I feel a level of satisfaction knowing I am caring for people and beings in a way that empowers, sustains, and delights me. No need to create a whole new life to get this joy.
8
I vividly remember -actually, it's one of my most vivid memories, from any age, and I'm now 49- the "I'm going to eat you up" game, of which I was terrified, which presumably happened when I was a toddler (or not long after that-- I assume my mother made her best effort to prolong "toddlerhood" a few years beyond its normal schedule, certainly being the type, in extreme form).
My mother would verbablly indicate her intention to eat me (this declaration I just assume, don't remember that part), then press her face, especially the mouth area, into my upper arm for what seemed a very, very long time.
I distinctly remember two very unpleasant sensations, that however nasty, I grew so accustomed to that I came to accept them without the sense of terror you might expect. When the face was prolongedly pressed into me, I felt our fleshes merging in such a way that my arm no longer felt "mine," as if it were a shared limb. Then (the scary part), I literally felt as if my arm was disapearing as if it were literally being eaten. Then, I felt my arm was gone. I was convinced it HAD been eaten, & that I had only one arm left. Soon thereafter, I felt a return of sensation, and discovered to my relief my arm had returned or grown back; I actually believed it miraculously had.
I definitely had an abusive relationship in some respects. Until I and my siblings were each around 8, possibly as old as 10, my mother would require us to submit to having our (clothed) backsides squeezed by her.
3
Obviously this jibes what we know about the "science" of tickling behavior and experience: there is a clear, obvious connection to sexual impulses, drives, and sensations (the limb being consumed etc).
It feels almost dehumanizingly animalistic to think and say, but a mere momentls reflection reveals how we are wired in this respect. Males, and females to an extent, on the deepest chemical level are attracted to eggs, round bundles of fat-- pure and simple. Females (not being one I don't know for sure) are similarly wired but have an additional attraction to male anatomy and chemistry. Just like the most primitive organisms, on the cellular level there are these chemically-driven attractions, particularly around fat.
All female primates evolved to collect fat in ways resembling eggs, with rounding of bodies. Males, similar to females in infancy, change in more sperm-like directions.
Quite simply, these cuteness behaviors (including tickling, pretending to eat, etc,) are all about, and extensions of, sexual impulse and chemistry, particularly pertaining to fat, which is tied both to sexuality and nutrition, which themselves on the basic molecular level are connected.
As to the cute, read Siane Ngai’s Our Aesthetic Categories. She explores our desire to crush cute little things.
1
I never was attracted to babies or puppies or cats. I am not antisocial. In fact I think that not having an obligation to parenting has freed me feel more obligation to the general good of society rather than just my children. I know too many parents who don't want to pay taxes for better schools so they can use the money for private schools.
4
I chose to not have children, but this isn't about me. Years ago, a colleague and I were discussing having kids. He was surprised at my choice. So I asked him why he had made the choice to have children. The first words out of his mouth were,
So I'd have someone to take care of me when I'm elderly." That statement remains the most selfish and shallow that I've heard in my 71 years.
11
More women need to speak out about this because there still is a stigma. As a childless woman by choice, I have had a few women confess to me that they didn't want kids either, but they felt pressure by their families and husbands to have one. The mantra of "you will feel different after you have one" didn't turn out to be true for them. Although they said they loved their children, they still wish they had stuck to their guns.
12
This is a great article. But something that isn't made clear is why we should think that aggressiveness as a response to cuteness should be associated with a desire to care and nurture. What is the link between wanting to eat/devour/squeeze-until-it-pops and acting to protect and nurture the cute baby (or cat or dog) at all costs? That seems to me to be the real psychological mystery.
In other words the answer to the question "Why do you want to eat this baby up" doesn't seem clearly answered with "it's an evolutionary urge to nurture".
5
I wonder if this could be a natural reaction toward over population. I have had tons of friends that were not interested in having children through the years. Highly intelligent, well balanced personalities. The few things I found they have in common was a quiet presence, not one prejudice bone on their body, very compassionate and with a deep understanding about humanity and their struggle in this world. They were all colors and all kinds of background. They had a large scope of understanding. They had nephews and nieces but zero interest in having their own. Personally I'm glad there are people like them in the world. Our planet has gone down in resources. The human race haven't been the best tenants. We have made sure the large proportions of other kind of tenants were destroyed to make room for us. A larger population would make it worst. So this people that decided not to have children give room for those that have 4 or 9 kids. If everyone had children we would have a one foot space from each other or mother nature will take over to balance the whole thing. Too much of a good thing is never a good thing. Personally I'm grateful to them for their personal decision. One was enough for me. My one told me the other day not to expect any grand kids. In the end, it balances out.I have never romanticized kids. It took 3 years and a dream of a man giving me his name. It was my adult son in that dream that helped me choose. He loves his name. Years later I remembered.
6
I have two kids, now grown. I love them terribly, but when they were babies they mostly smelled like soiled diapers to me.
On the other hand, I loved the feel and smell of my dog until the day she died, at age 15. In fact, for the several months before she passed, I knew the end was coming so purposely spent time with my nose pressed to her neck as she laid with me, with the hope that I would always remember her feel and that beautiful smell.
It's been a couple of years since she left us and from time to time I'll smell something that brings her back to me.
13
To my surprise I've come to realize I don't want kids anymore. I have puzzled over it and have made a connection to having been an elder care giver to a beloved family member.
I thought at first I had satisfied any desire to nurture and care through the experience. That may be part of it.
I think the greater part of it though is that the reality of being responsible for the safety and welfare of another human being hit me hard across the head and permanently changed my ways of looking at things.
Keeping another human being safe and ALIVE is huge! I see this now and wonder at the legions of people who voluntarily step up to do it every day. How do they ever have enough peace of mind to sleep?!
Children eventually grow but it seems you always worry about them. The elder eventually passes. And you're left with grief.
Of course there's more to it than that, there are joys that science will never quantify. But for me it's pretty black and white right now- worry or grief. No thank you.
6
This thoughtfully written piece precisely describes my own thoughts and feelings about motherhood, which is strange because I have a Masters Degree in Early Childhood Education and have worked in the Early Ed. field for 24+ years - and I love working with children. I love watching them learn and grow as they master new skills each day - but I never wanted my own. Neither does my sister. Just yesterday we were speculating that this feeling might have been instilled by our own mother (a now retired child/family therapist) who never sugar-coated her thoughts on the grave responsibility and selflessness it took to be a parent.
I’m 46 now so people have pretty much stopped asking when my husband and I were having our own because “You’re so GREAT with kids!” Finally I just started telling people I was barren - which made then sorry for asking.
Another interesting topic that resonated with me was the baby-head smell vs. dog-paw smell. I too LOVE the smell of my pup’s paws! To me they smell like peanut butter and jelly toast (weird, I know). And baby heads? Meh. ... at least they smell better than the other end.
Thanks @nytimesfor publishing this piece!
5
Thank you for tackling this elusive topic. My husband and I openly acknowledge that, to us, kittens are hands down far cuter than babies!! My husband definitely feels the cuteness/aggression whenever he sees a kitten.
Most importantly, the overriding visceral feeling is LOVE!! True love from the heart for a kitten in a picture, a real kitten or our 14-year-old cats. We did not want children at all and don't necessarily think they're cute. So is our feline LOVE heightened because we don't have kids or did inherent maternal/paternal LOVE toward kittens and cats subconsciously inform our conscious and deliberate decision not to have children?
I have no doubt that it is the latter. If your love lies elsewhere, don't have kids!!!
8
Not mentioned here: in hyper-capitalist societies (like the U.S.), having children is often presented as an economic right, not a human right.
Similar to how our societal attitudes towards shelter have changed: it used to be a given that we create different types of housings, like Single Room Occupancy units (SROs) and boarding houses for low-income single people and abundant cheap worker housing, and government subsidized housing for low income and disabled people. Today, we have fully accepted widespread, longterm homelessness for individuals and families, even young people.
Similarly, poor people have often been challenged & blamed for having lots of kids, but now poor and middle class people are called irresponsible if they need any support at all in having children. Health care, food, housing, education for children-- more and more this is seen as individual responsibility & not something to be supported by a civilized society as a whole. Mothers who advocate for universal day care (like universal K-12) are disparaged on Fox as lazy or socialist. Same for SNAP recipients.
There are economic pressures that contribute to why many people choose not to have kids or delay or limit childbearing now. My older son and his wife want kids, but don't know when they will be able "to afford it."
My younger son loves children and is wonderful with kids, but at 25, he doubts he will ever have any. He cites the environment, student loans, no benefits. It's not always ambivalence.
11
One of my deepest secrets: I am a woman who does not particularly like human babies. This is something I tend to downplay around people who like/have kids, because I am afraid they’ll respond like I’m a misanthropic sociopath. I am unfailingly kind, sweet, and flirty with kids when I interact with them, because they are little humans and I would never want to hurt their feelings. But deep down, I am always glad when the encounter is over. Fortunately I married a man who didn’t want kids and we’ve been happily child-free for 25 years. I’m grateful I live in an era when women do have some leeway in choosing whether or not to have kids.
However... husband and I both find dogs utterly irresistible. We love caring for dogs like other human beings love caring for children. Currently we have four large pups who are the center of our lives. They beg for belly rubs, howl (badly) with the local coyotes, steal our shoes, and sleep on our bed. Their paws smell like home.
8
I’m 65 years old. Baby lust consumed me in my 20’s, turning to desperation by my mid 30’s. I didn’t know any babies personally, for me it was the little shoes in department stores that reinforced the desire. I made bad choices in relationships and self destructed any career or creative development. My 40’s and 50’s were given to nurturing, first my son, then aging parents. Today I still live with the father of my child. Several years older than me, his health is beginning to fail and he will be needing my care for the rest of his life. I also live with my dog, my love. I too am a dog belly smoocher. I love her paws, that county fair on a hot day, or corn chip aroma. My son is a well functioning adult and is happily married. I hope they will not have children but I desperately want them to get a puppy.
4
I adore cute puppies and kittens, and I think babies are cute, but I never wanted a baby. I think babies kind of scare me because they're so needy. They kind of freak me out, honestly.
4
Oh, man, did I laugh reading the part about the dog's feet smelling like corn chips. I have always loved my basset hound's feet. Actually, the feet of all of the basset hounds I've ever owned, which to date is four. I love it when I am scratching my dog's tummy, and he puts a huge front hand-foot (it's not a paw!) on my leg, or arm, or my forehead (I like to really get in there). The message is "it feels good; don't stop." For me, too.
Oh, P.S., I like kids, but I don't have any and have never wanted them.
5
I love babies and am a softie around them. How one cannot gush over a beautiful baby is puzzling to me. They are just so adorable and cute and irresistible.
1
I am glad I am not alone in not wanting children. I knew this from an early age, nine or ten, and my felling about it has only strengthened with the evolving planetary crisis.
I would cross the street to pet a puppy, even an adult dog. Same attraction to cats, any animals, really. But am always caught off-guard when friends direct their strollers with babies in them towards me, expecting me to fawn, and I have to remind myself to be polite and ask the baby's name or say how cute he or she is.
It's not 'natural' to me the way it is for others. My mother used to say, 'It's different when they're your own,' in response to my lack of interest in others' babies. I never wanted to find out.
11
This was fascinating (& engagingly written), but I wonder why any of us feel like we need a scientific explanation for our preferences or feelings. Do we think it validates them in some way?
3
Inborn wiring, social standards/norms, choices, expectations, sex-related roles, opportunities, internal urges, options, opportunities, experience, choices, sexuality, consequentual pregnancies, either-ors, and just plain unadulterated and uncomplicated preferences don't need to be conjured or analyzed if choice is seen as broad nd individual and real, motives not questioned or seen as instinctual or the norm or the abnormal.
Motherhood/parenthood can be planned or unplanned, and it can be by desire or expectation or accident. It can be embraced as a concept but a great disappointment and too difficult and unpleasant to manage when it becomes a reality.
We should respect, without judgement, the right of a single person or two people or a couple to choose to, or not to, parent. And if they become one, to know that babies smell differently to different folks. Intoxicating or repulsive smells are what they are, and different for each person
Analyzing the cuteness response is in itself a social construct.
Childfree living is a reasonable choice, no better or worse than raising a family. Vegetarian or meat-eating, we all have olfactory preferences and standards.
Cute or not, you may be enchanted by the scent of a roasted chicken and I might find brussel sprouts intoxicating.
So be it. And let it be.
8
Put me down as a woman who never wanted children. I am 75 years old and people still feel sorry for me because I am childless. I don’t attribute it to fear, to tokophobia. Instead, I view it as a choice.
13
Thanks for helping me understand my lifelong perplexity at doll-playing, baby smooching, baby showers and all the rest. It's comforting to know about one-sixth of us are indifferent to baby-mania. I'm more than happy with a spouse, four dogs, and a thriving ant colony.
6
I knew at 13 I had no interest in babies or children, my own or anyone else's. I wonder what age people recognize their inclinations? Puberty? Could it be an endocrine variation of some kind? I had a physician berate me for having had my tubes tied at 30 ("Why on earth would you do such a thing?!") I heard all the usual remarks: "You'll change your mind," "You'll be so lonely," "But they're the greatest joy you'll ever find in life," etc. I am now in my mid 60s, almost not a day goes by that I am not consciously grateful I don't have kids. I adore my cats and dogs - but I don't want to squish, squeeze, pop, or eat them. But to have my little cat nestled under my chin, warm and soft and purring... nothing is better than that. She will not cost me tens of thousands to put through college, she will never become a mass shooter, she will love me till the day she dies, and is exquisitely beautiful just to look at. Love takes all kinds of forms, that's all. Some of them involve less suffering than others. And from the beginning, decades ago, I always thought if I was going to regret a decision, I'd rather regret being child-free than having kids and ruing that.
16
@MidwesternReader
Beautiful tribute to your kitties!
3
Fascinating article. It explained but did not state the banner statement: if you are truly Pro-Choice, you have the right to say no. Period.
7
Thank you so much for a wonderful article with a new explanation of the childfree phenomenon. I actually wrote a book several years ago, Complete without kids: the guide to childfree living by choice or by chance. I interviewed a number of men and women who are childfree. One woman shared a story of a friend who saw a baby and said that "her womb ached". I found this to be puzzling, as I've never had even the remotest such experience. I, on the other hand, yearn to snuggle puppies and I have two dog babies of my own, lounging next to me on the couch. I envision more of this as women realize the okayness of not being a mom.
7
@ehn
You said: "When someone tells me again and again they don't want something I inevitably suspect the opposite. "Me thinks she doth protest too much" and all that."
Most of the commenters who are child-free said they made their "no child" decision at an early age and lived on to appreciate their choice. How does that translate to "really wanting the opposite"? How is that "protesting too much"?
My opinion is that many people who say it's so great having kids are actually rationalizing a bad choice they made and can't take back.
13
I'm a 47-year-old woman in a happy marriage of 28+ years and have never regretted for a single moment our decision not to have children. Babies have just never had any appeal for me. But put me in a room full of puppies & kittens and I'm in LOVE!
What I don't understand about being child-free are the people who consider it selfish. For one, the world still needs aunts & uncles and I'm very happy in that role. Also, not having children has allowed me to commit more time to volunteer efforts in my community.
Frankly, I often wish having a baby was scrutinized as much as adopting a puppy from a rescue group. That somebody would make sure you're a suitable parent before you're allowed to breed. There are far too many people who have kids that shouldn't.
19
Dolls are not children. I disliked dolls and stuffed animals. Always gave them to my sister. Yet I always wanted children and love interacting with babies I meet. I have a couple and hopefully will have grandchildren at some point. But no pressure on my kids. It’s their choice.
And the only way back to a healthy planet is to build down our populations. We need to optimize all our choices so all children are wanted and loved. Free birth control for all!
2
Thanks for your article. When I was young and clueless (barely pubescent) I told my bestie that I wanted lots of children. She meanwhile, wasn’t particularly interested although didn’t rule it out. As I aged, it was “never the right time” despite being married and able to afford a family. I found that I really wasn’t very interested in the prospect, and had zero interest in my friends’ babies, other than that they were my friends’. Years later, on second and last husband, I’m very happily child-free. I have never found babies particularly cute, and in fact find quite a few of them repulsive. The “indifferent” bestie from my youth is still my closest friend, and she has now launched two successful young adults into the world with whom she is healthily close. She doesn’t find babies particularly cute, either, and will be an attentive, but not doting grandmother (One child at least wants children). I suspect that there are genes involved with both the perception of babies as cute as well as that primal desire to reproduce (as opposed to the primal desire to have sex); Whatever they are, I don’t have them. No judgement, people are different and it makes the world a more interesting place.
6
I am a dog cuteness person. Never wanted kids, never had them. I've felt like an alien in the past, but now I feel like a modern human.
7
I guess I'm somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. I've never had anything against babies and thought they were fascinating and loved playing with other people's babies but never really cared about having one myself. I was always much more obsessed with dogs and other animals. Years later I am happily child free with a pack of 5 dogs I adore.
7
Wayne's wife here. Like other readers, I can't believe that there is any simple scientific equivalence between loving babies and wanting one of your own. Surely, if there is any analogy to gender here, there is a spectrum of identities and desires regarding baby hunger. I for one have always loved babies (and being the eldest in a large-ish family, am reasonably good with them). I will jump at the chance to cuddle, sniff, and chew (I especially like a fat baby-thigh), but then I hand the baby back to its parent and get on with my life. I've never wanted children, didn't have children, and have no regrets. At the same time, I adore my nieces and nephews and the children of my close friends. My sister is the same way.
4
@Wayne's Wife
Succinctly stated! Could not have expressed it better myself!
At 17 years old, I wrote my parents a note telling them I never wanted to have children. Why I felt compelled to do that, I don't know. At the time, I simply thought they should know. I don't even know how I came to that decision. It didn't feel like a decision; it felt like a fact. Years later, I was leafing through a Bible that had been in my father's family for generations and there was my note. I never asked why it was slipped into the family Bible.
3
I love the smell of my dog's paws....they remind me of oatmeal cookies.After reading this I don't feel so weird. Here's to the cute factor and the good feelings it gives.
4
Me too! Even though I know she has trod in some gross stuff they still smell delicious!
1
Bubble wrap to determine if people find things cute? An author telling us if we don't stop the declining birth rate soon it's gonna all be over, at least eventually, really? Aside from wanting a kid or not, the "science" brought up here seems kind of silly but I guess measuring cuteness is a pretty silly subject.
3
I would have had children if my husband wanted them, but I confess to a feeling of great relief when he told me he didn't. (I quizzed him thoroughly before accepting his marriage proposal; we we clear on where we were headed as a couple.) I never had that maternal pull. When other women gather around a newborn, I'm in the corner doing something else. Now puppies on the other hand... the aroma of puppy feet is my fave (it's the hormone they secrete, like Chanel No. Five.)
10
I always thought dogs paws smell like triscuits, delicious! And while I have always liked babies, and have two children of my own, my sister in law knew she would never want a baby and her choice not to have one was perfect for her. Thank goodness we can choose and thank goodness birthrates are dropping. The nest is dirty, crowded and fowled.... I wonder if some primal instinct has figured that out?
1
As a child I disliked dolls, especially baby dolls, which seemed rather grotesque to me, but I adored stuffed animals. I knew I wanted to live with all kinds of animals, but never dreamt of being a “mommy.” I never pretended to be “undecided” regarding children — I always knew I would never want to give birth, and it was so strong, so certain acknowledge that I couldn’t even imagine pretending otherwise in spite of the societal pressures, the odd insistence that there is something inherently wrong and sick about a woman with no aspirations to motherhood. I always knew, too, that if I ever changed my mind I would adopt rather than procreate. The adults around me insisted I’d change my mind when I got older. I’m now almost 47 and still quite happy to be childless, though I love the children and babies of those around me. I have a strong maternal instinct, it’s just directed at animals.
And though my current “children” are pet rats, my previous love was a dog. I can attest to the “Frito feet” phenomenon!
8
Without actually using the word, this article spends a lot of time dancing around the concept of what is "normal" in life, especially when it comes to the extent to which people, especially women, have a desire to bear children. Despite numerous other NYTimes articles warning against the website Reddit, however, this article implies that Reddit can be a worthwhile source of wisdom. I agree with the earlier NYTimes articles, those which argued that Reddit and sites like it are a source of harm, not wisdom. They are often an echo chamber where foolish ideas can find agreement, and fester in a micro-culture where moderators allow "discussion", as long as that discussion is in agreement with the viewpoint of the "subreddit", no matter how warped that may be. I stopped reading this article at the point reddit was mentioned in a complimentary way. The Times should know better than that.
2
@Scott Anthony
...but the Times has started quoted Facebook in its own news articles. It's on the downslide.
And I thought it was only me that loved smelling cat and dog paws. It’s the musky smell (not of corn chips that the article refers to) that is so “non-human” that gets me. Good to know that “cute aggression” is a real thing. Great article!
3
My whole life I have heard people say "I want a baby." I never once in my life heard anyone say "I want a teenager," much less "My teenager is so cute I could eat him up!"
12
Actually my teenager IS so cute I could eat him up. I have one young adult and two teenagers and I still feel that joy every morning when I wake up and realize I get to hop out of bed and watch my amazing creations learn and grow. It’s the greatest reality show. There is a reason for the saying “pride and joy”.
2
@December: yeah, the cuteness really rubs off.
Which is why should only have kids if you really want them, and are realistic about the fact that THEY GROW UP.
Some people want babies, or toddlers, or little kids and think their children will STAY at those adorable ages indefinitely. When the kids do grow up and become sullen, angry teens....those parents lose interest. Not saying they are neglectful or abusive, but just "not in deep baby love" anymore.
BTW: puppies and kittens grow up too. Ask any animal shelter or rescue about what happens to dogs and cats who have aged past the "cuteness" and then get abandoned.
1
I can’t help but believe many of this worlds problems are caused by children being born to people who don’t want to have children
11
Dogs paws smell like Fritos? Oh, please. The scent is actually buttered popcorn and it's wonderful!
4
This essay is rife with ideas and thoughts that seems essential to human nature and human survival, which is why Pagan's last sentence, "and those feelings will shape the future of the world," is appropriate. But what's missing in this essay is the word "love." With every crazed, sick massacre that occurs in this world, I have the same thought, that the killer was once a baby who was not cuddled, smelled and physically loved by a loving mother or father. I then wonder if the killer had been raised in environments where nurturers felt the uncontrollable desire to cuddle them, would they have been capable of carrying out their missions of hate. It seems obvious that the urge to cuddle children, specifically your own, has something to do with how we perpetuate love, not just for yourself, but for the world. As silly as all the smelling and cooing is, without it, we may pass on the ability to hate and commit violence.
1
When I was young, I did not want children. When I was in my thirties I decided to have one child. I liked it so much that I had 3 more. I loved them very much. I do not know what I did wrong. They grew up to hate me. I hardly see them anymore, they never call.I guess this is not what family is.
4
Let's face it, not all people are programmed to be parents.
But babies do bring out the best (sometimes) in us.
Just like we try to guide them in their search to becoming mature adults, sometimes they drag us on the path to become better human beings.
Also, what parent doesn't look at their child and see another chance to 'get it right' via their kids'.
We strive to make things better for our kids than it was for us.
For me, I see my kids and my grandkids as a continuation of me.
I get a chance via them to live again and forever.
And seeing that little part of me growing anew, I smile.
1
I'm glad this subject is getting more attention. I, like the author, have never wanted kids, and this has led to confusing conversations with well-meaning people.
I'm 36, so I'm hoping there's an end in sight, but some people find it impossible to believe that I don't want children, saying things like, "you'll change your mind" and "there's still time."
I'm not immune to the sweet smell of a baby, but I'll choose a puppy any day of the week.
7
@Jean Mosher After I turned 40, those same people started mentioning adoption and IVF! Now that I'm 52, they've finally given up.
4
The only convincing part of this article is the labeling of its author, at the end, as an 'opinion writer'.
Most of it is self-justifying nonsense, and a mosh-up of issues some having to do with hormones, others, having to do with the fact that humans are (big surprise) mammals who relate hormonally to baby mammals of all species (the stuff about pet-sniffing).
Especially unfortunate is the linking of 'low-fertility' rates and 'a biological non-urge to have children'. which is an appalling connection. The rebuttal to it is rushed into the paragraph that follows, which talks about birth-control pills. In other words, chemical and social intervention, not biological destiny.
2
By the way, "Empty Planet" is a fantastic book. Everyone should read it. Full of Big Ideas but marvelously written and a fun easy read.
3
When I was young, I always assumed that I'd have kids. I loved the idea of pregnancy - the creative act of giving life. It seemed so important to me that I allowed my boyfriend at the time to break up with me because he definitely didn't want kids. He later came back to me, willing to compromise because he loved me so much, and we became engaged.
Then I spent a long weekend in the country with my cousin and her two boys, then aged 9 and 2. There was no having a nice relaxing conversation over coffee or beers on the patio. It was one long unbearable scream-fest.
It made me realize that I had never pictured myself as a mother, only as a mother-to-be. I had never thought about the decades that follow giving birth, never imagined the day-to-day experiences, good and bad, that make up being a parent.
My fiance was hugely relieved, of course, and we've been happily married for over a quarter of a century, having chosen our careers (and cats) over kids. Not once have we ever felt a pang or a regret, not even when our beloved niece was born. (We adored spending time with her -- but we could give her back.)
It would have been a grave and selfish mistake for me to indulge my fantasy about mother-to-be-hood at the expense of both my husband and the unfortunate child whom we might have come to resent for interfering with what we really wanted out of life.
15
Thank you for this piece! I never wanted children. Babies leave me cold. Getting married in the 80s meant being bombarded with "when are you going to have children?" The pressure came from all sides. It got so I couldn't tell. My friends with children assured me that I really did want children. Even my therapist told me, "every woman wants a baby".
Several years later, at an ob-gyn exam they thought I was pregnant and took a urine sample. When the nurse came in, she was smiling. My instant thought was: "Get it out of me! No! Get it OUT!"
My mother was dismayed but not surprised. My husband knew how I felt from the start. My mother-in-law was devastated. Thank goodness my sister-in-had children. I adore animals, but I don't have "cuteness aggression". (However, I admit that my dog's paws smell like corn chips.)
7
@Elisa DeCarlo
I forgot to add, this is one reason I wrote my novel "The Abortionist's Daughter". Set in 1916, it confronts the lack of choice women had, and the risks of societal rejection and even death. Some couples had to choose celibacy. Often, working class families had children in the double digits. Thank god society has made it possible for women to choose not to have children! Even if men want to take it away.
7
Of course there is no body of research on this topic. Put into the context of nearly all researchers having been male, nearly all ob-gyn physicians having been male and popular culture messages about sexuality - which are driven by male desires it makes perfect sense. Of course women's sexual identities are understood in reference to mens' identities and sexual drives. This will eventually change as academic careers open up to people with viewpoints broader than the traditional male viewpoint. But it will be slow, because even top academics who aren't currently male or cis gendered still have the entrenched academic system to navigate. As the author points out, it is only a very recent social development that reproduction is optional and controllable. And equally recently the hold that organized religions has held over people's lives has loosened enough that sexual activity can be separated from religously endorsed relationships. As more possibilities exist for peoples' lives, ideas like the one in this essay can flourish and be explored.
6
Thank you for this wonderful article. I always wondered why I had these visceral loving must-hold reactions to puppies and why I shrugged when I saw an infant. There were times I felt very different to other women, and was so appreciative to meet people who had 4-legged children only by choice.
While it’s not crystal clear why the brain chooses, its helpful to know that we devotees to the 4-leggeds in our midst, are divinely inspired and not simply indifferent to children.
7
When someone tells me again and again they don't want something I inevitably suspect the opposite. "Me thinks she doth protest too much" and all that. It's your life to live but from my perspective babies are pretty good thing and raising a family has given me more joy (and some pain) than any professional accomplishment.
2
And I wonder how many times someone has given the answer of not wanting children in response to someone repeatedly asking the question. Why is somebody else’s choice your concern? Why the need to know or, possibly, to coerce?
Not having children, whether by choice or by medical circumstances, is as private a decision as any other medical, sexual, personal decision.
And how many people with children do you know who are frequently badgered with the question of why do you have/want children?
Thankfully (at least for the moment) we still have the freedom to choose in this country.
2
Of course it's wiring and/or hormones and/or sentiment. So?
"..those feelings will shape the future of humanity." They already have. So now, there are far worse things that reducing world population -- indeed the survival of humanity, not to mention animals and plants and the planet itself may depend on that.
6
"The authors of a new book, “Empty Planet,” are going so far as to warn that the world population will start dropping by midcentury. “Once that decline begins,” they write, “it will never end.”"
This is fantastic news. It seems highly improbable that humans would just opt to stop reproducing to a point that we die out (though, as a side note, this would not constitute an "empty planet" but one teeming with biodiversity that happens to lack humans). No doubt plenty of humans will continue to crave babies - as this article suggests - and we'll be in no danger.
But - with a global population of 8 billion people and a terrifying loss rate of biodiversity and natural habitat, the world could use a healthy self-selected human birth rate reduction. The planet will thank us.
15
Interesting article - interesting responses to! I never wanted to have children. My personal family life was not good. My mom was divorced and remarried at a time (the early 50s) when such things were NOT ok. As a direct result, I didn’t have any friends. In fact many of the so-called “loving” moms went out of their way to be especially nasty to me to protect their precious young from some form of contamination that I, as a child of divorce represented to them. Things are somewhat different these days, but have they changed as much as they need to change? Are the needs of vulnerable children being truly met so that they can develop their full potential or is a subtle sabotage in play here from the “super moms” who need THEIR children to be successful at any cost? The ancient Greeks noted that people change when they become parents - especially women - the numerous reports lately about tiger moms and admissions scandals appear to back this up, The people who gush that their children are so “yummy” might be hiding something, especially from themselves.
2
Finally! Someone has put into words what I've always felt. I'm 70, was happily married for 38 years and never wanted children. Fortunately, my husband felt the same. [Neither of us had siblings so our parents were very disappointed.] I thought my day of reckoning would come as I neared menopause but it never did. I have never second guessed my decision. Even now when the question is moot, I still shiver at the thought of having a child.
12
I'm not an evolutionary biologist but it is a no brainer that there would be natural selection for individuals who have a compelling desire or need to be parents. After all, for most or human history, merely maintaining a group's population was a hard thing to do. Infant mortality, absent modern medicine, is at least 20 percent. That is the first year. I think, without checking the internet, that 50 percent mortality before adulthood was the average for all human populations prior to modern times. I believe the mortality rate in British slums approached 75 percent before the age of 5 during the 18th century. Pandemics, war, famine, natural disasters have all threatened and many times wiped out human populations all over the world. It is no accident that the most populous regions, China and the Indian sub-continent had a very long period of population stability from antiquity to the sixteenth or seventeenth centuries. Europe's population as well, ranged within a certain zone during the entire Middle Ages, despite the fact that almost no one practiced birth control and the culture was entirely oriented towards pro-natalism, especially the birth of sons.
So being a mother has been an evolutionary imperative and no doubt natural selection has resulted in all those baby sniffers. However, we still have many people who aren't pro natal. I don't know how those genes survived but they did. Perhaps there is an evolutionary reason for that too.
6
Just a note to say that in Canada, you chose your doctor. You not restricted by which doctor is in your plan and which is not. And, having worked in the USA and having been privileged with a very generous AETNA plan, I am very grateful that every time I go for my medical appointments, I just have to show my health card! No hour and hours of dealing with paper work demanded by insurance companies.
2
I never wanted kids and never even liked being around them. Then suddenly at 40 I realized that I couldn't judge whether I wanted to be a mom based on how I felt about other people's kids. I decided to give it a try, feeling like I was leaving it to fate anyway since I was already 40. Fast-forward to the present - I have an 8-year-old who I adore and who continues to be supremely cute and lovely in my eyes. I've learned to like all her friends, too. I think there are people who are sure they don't want to be parents and then there are others like me, who are maybe 90-95% sure. We are capable of change. My husband was similar to me, so ditto for the men.
2
Ms. Kennedy, you are not alone in not wishing to be a baby producer, and you will find yourself in the good company of Miss Jane Austen, and her thoughts of being a mother are well described by Paula Byrne in her biography of this author.
'I hope you are not planning to have babies, my mother mentioned in passing 'for I am not interested in being a grandmother'. Between you and me, Ms. Kennedy, if I had been wed to the Duke of Wellington, her tune might have changed conveniently.
Later, when I was a widow, my maternal parent added 'there is something odd about women who have never had children', and on this scientific note of hers, she reminded me of a cat that eats its offspring.
With two towers on each side, this pawn in the middle, we are childless and work in the global community for the well-being of the child. A friend who I call 'Mother Earth' has just forwarded the most beautiful photograph of her daughter and newborn. It is a time to celebrate. He looks very sweet but I have no inclination to hold him, yet alone to eat him.
A childhood friend and the mother of a grown son was discussing her affinity for bacon, followed by her delight at seeing a most 'succulent' baby, which made her want to eat him. Feeling queasy on hearing this cute account, I looked into my cold soup.
On this note, I leave you to give my guardian the cat, a big squeeze, and he will reward this affection by taking a chunk out of my arm. Now there's a 'true' carnivore and a bachelor.
5
Putting aside the "baby or not" part of the essay, I believe the term of art for responding to cuteness is "neoteny"—the rounded, squishable, button-nosed, big-eyed, and somehow irresistible appearance of babies. It is the same thing that attracts us to puppies, kittens, and the original Volkswagen Beetle.
8
As a fertility specialist in the field for over 30 years, I would advise any woman who feels that she does not feel the “urge” to have children to freeze their eggs. This is a new and fabulous option and an insurance policy, for I have seen and the fertility world has witnessed millions of women putting off child bearing until it is too late biologically. And then these same women change their minds as we often do throughout life about many things, about having babies and they are in their 40’s when their egg supply has dwindled and reproduction is a challenge. I am not saying that this author will change her mind or there is not a subset of individuals who don’t want to procreate, The modern world is full of wonderful distractions like careers, but the desire to have a baby often catches up later. Trust me and the whole field of reproductive medicine, freeze you eggs now, just as an insurance policy, so you can change your mind later.
2
@Alexis Adler: uh, except that it costs about $15,000 and fairly low rates of success (compared to freezing FERTILIZED embryos!).
It's half as expensive to just buy a donor egg, though of course it is not your own.
Maybe it would be better to be frank with young women from their teens to their 30s, about the REALITY of the END of your fertile life? that it does not go on forever? that when you read about a 50 year old movie star having twins...that is with DONOR EGGS? and cost $150,000?
My stepdaughter postponed childbearing for many years. She finally got engaged at 36 but announced she wanted a LONG engagement -- 18 months! -- and a huge wedding. After that, she wanted a "year to just be a couple" and THEN they started to try to get pregnant. By then she was 39. They ended up with 3 very costly rounds of IVF costing $45,000!!! they only gathered 5 eggs, 3 of which were "clunkers". They implanted two, and one disappeared at 6 weeks. She was then 41.
By a miracle, that ONE EGG turned into our darling grandbaby and we are so grateful -- but it was a true miracle that beat ALL the odds. Plenty of other women are not this lucky (or affluent).
What my stepdaughter did not know (or denied!) was the HUGE difference between trying to have a baby at 35 or 36 -- and 41. It's not a slight difference, it's HUGE.
2
I think at best our perception of cuteness is a symptom, not a cause, of the underlying issue. As is reproductive desire itself. For some women, being a mother is the reason they came into this world. It is the primary service they will provide, the primary gift they will give. It is their calling in every sense of the word. It is not surprising at all that these women would be hardwired to respond favorably to babies.
On the other hand, you have women like myself (and Ms. Kennedy). I never, ever "got" the baby thing. When I was still trapped in the 9 to 5 world, I would absolutely cringe when the announcements came around that someone would be bringing in their new baby on so and so day. I would often find an excuse to stay at my desk. (And curse those more aggressive new moms that would then hunt me down and thrust their new little bundle of "joy" into my face.)
And of course, I never, ever, wanted one. My heart and soul have always been guided in a very different direction and I always knew that my gifts lay in a vastly different arena.
As is so often the case, when science tries to reduce us to the physical, they miss the important picture entirely. One could say that there is a spectrum of reproductive desire, but much more fundamentally, much more relevantly, there is a spectrum of purpose. The best thing each of us can do is get clear on what that purpose is and embrace it wholeheartedly.
10
We both grew up in the security of stable families with several siblings and many critters and wanted that kind of life. Both sets of parents were married for life, and we have close relations with all our far-flung siblings. We've had two kids and lots of critters over the years, and now we've been married for over a half-century ourselves. We love the smell of babies' lil heads and doggies' lil paws, but we've wanted them not because they were cute, but because they were the definition of family for us.
6
It was my husband who got baby hunger and we had baby 2 because of it.
I loved the smell of babies during my fertile years. Now, not really. In fact, I am not at all enamoured with other people's children. If one of my children have children. I truly hope this changes. Menopause may have taken more than hormones with it...
4
I actively didn't want a baby until I wanted my son. Then I actively didn't want any more babies. Could the continuum of this impulse be anchored not to people, but to something else, like stages of life?
2
Raised three kids with my wife and loved every moment of it. Now that they are all out of college and on their own, we (empty nesters) miss those early days of tiny hands, feet and sweet smells. My best achievement is as a dad! Loved it.
5
I never liked babies, I find some 3-4 y.o. Very cute but only want to and smell squish mostly cats and some smaller dogs. Not sure if I ever particularly wanted children. And found it extremely hard to take care of small children when our two were born, especially infants. But I would not trade my now 10 and 14 year olds for anything in the world. I finally enjoy being a mother. I have special relationships with two very special individuals. They complete me and I feel joy most of the time when I’m with them even when it gets difficult. humans are complex creatures, we evolve, our minds evolve, we cannot predict our emotions in the future So in my opinion, it’s simply scary for someone to voluntarily foreclose an opportunity to become a parent. Keep
Your options open, you never know how you are going to feel.
3
I ADORE infants--so tiny and uninhibited. miniature people who just need food, water, shelter, and love. and onesies. and daycare. and driving to soccer practice. and a college fund. my fascination has always been observational: hug them and play with them and then go home. over the years i have known so many curious parents who couldn't fathom how someone could possibly not desire to reproduce. I also know parents who wonder out loud what their lives would be like if they'd never had kids. Children are a choice.
7
I'm male, and had never been particularly been fond of kids, nor had kids ever been particularly fond of me. Some guys just tend to play with kids naturally, but I'm not one of them. I mean, I appreciate that some kids were cute, but these were detached observations rather than emotional responses.
I got married, and wasn't really keen to have kids. Not terribly against it, but not terribly enthusiastic either. Then one day, this changed. One of my good friends gave birth, and I reluctantly carried the baby for a while (I typically demur when people offer their babies to be carried). Something clicked in my mind.. my heart? And I suddenly wanted to have a child of my own more than anything in the world.
Today, I'm a father of two, and I have never regretted having them (not seriously anyway). I'm not sure whether a smell did me in, but having children is a terribly personal choice that each person needs to make for himself or herself.
10
Thank you for this article. Just thank you. My mother knew at 13 years old that she wanted to be a mother. I never felt that urge. I don't consider myself childless or childfree. I just don't have children. I am on the journey that is right for me. However, I have immense joy in being a pet parent. I love my cat like no other. And when she was alive, I loved sniffing my dog's paws, too (they smelled like earth). So glad to learn I not the only one who relished that bit of kink ;-)
7
Kudos to you for "coming out!" I love you for loving the smell of your dog's paws, as I do mine! I did have a baby, though I never wanted kids, and I would never ever take it back. I love my daughter, now 28...thankfully! I was NEVER a "baby" person and agree people think it's weird when I don't have the urge to cradle the newborn they generously pass to me. I want to give it back and say - ewwwwwww. Am I weird? NO! And more articles like this prove it. I'm a sensitive, caring person, and even a mom myself. But to me, there's no comparison between puppy or even dog cuteness and baby cuteness. My canine buddies win every time! :-)
7
Thank you for this. When I was in high school I told one of my teachers that never wanted children. He also said I would change my mind. Of course he had 8 kids and a stay-at-home wife who home-schooled. When I was 33 I gave in to my husband’s biological clock and we had a baby. For various reasons that was one of the worst mistakes of my life. I loved her dearly but hated being a mother.
I would like to see a study about other women who also changed their minds and will admit to regrets.
16
The only part I take issue with is the notion that people are somehow motivated to have babies because they (the babies) are cute. That might motivate someone to buy a kitten, but I believe wanting a child is infinitely deeper, even metaphysical (circle of life stuff). And I'm going to go out on a limb here and point out that there are plenty of kinda homely babies out there (including my first born) and they are just as loved as the really cute ones.
2
You’re on to something. I propose that there is a spectrum of response to “cuteness” (that may correlate with the yearning to have kids) but is independent of a spectrum of libido. Neither are being discussed in the ongoing discussion of the spectrum of gender. I have long wondered what is wrong with me that I don’t respond to babies (or puppies) as many others do - but I have lots of children and dogs and love them deeply.
Forgive me but the article was somewhat deeper suggesting that there might be an olfaction "trigger" deeply seated in an instinctual context (that might drive behavior at least to the point of action: decision making or urges). Olfaction in human vs animal appear different notwithstanding the Jacobson's organ (VNO) vomeronasal or the organ of chemoreception. One company is working in this area (Kepleybiosystems.com) and have discovered actual neurobiology triggers in invertebrate species (not pheromone), simple olfaction. Further, I'm heard, that in the canine there are numerous olfaction triggers of neurobiology and these olfaction technologies will be announced in a few months. It is notable that there are a few feline studies suggesting direct olfaction induced behavior that affects selection acts in cats and in earlier years human babies studies showed selection drivers regarding nutrition. The point to this comment is indeed that olfaction might have unlearned (genetic) behavior drivers that (blames everything on the nose).
1
It’s almost ridiculous to think that once something starts, like population decline, that it can’t or won’t be reversed. I see cyclicality everywhere. In population it is certainly possible that we are discovering a feedback loop previously unknown. Earth’s population will reach 10 billion by mid-century, a dangerous number that suggests inadequate resources like energy and fresh water to support that population. It also suggest the possibility of war over resources. In this environment it is entirely possible that subtle biological and economic signals are turning off the parenting drive in some people. Consider this: today good jobs are hard to find, as is housing, child care, and, for many, nutrition. None of this signals a need for a growing population.
9
I love how babies smell.
But since ten restless days and nights taking care of a 6 mo old and 18 mo old while their mom had surgery out of state and their dad was with her, I have known parenthood wasn’t for me. That was over 30 years ago.
Looking back, I know that if I had had children, I would be a different person. Not a better person. Not a worse person. Just different.
And I still love how babies smell.
6
A population decline, from an ecological standpoint, is not a bad thing. In the United States, government leaders have chosen not to invest the tax dollars of its citizens in child care and health care to support American parents, making raising a family much more stressful than it is in other developed countries. We should all celebrate the fact that women can now choose if they wish to have children or not. No one really cares if a man has a child, but there’s a huge stigma attached to women who say they don’t want children. But aside from that, it’s a fantastic lifestyle, with a luxury of free time for other rewarding adventures in life.
14
My mother has always been quite open about not liking babies or small children. She says she doesn't like children until they become "interesting." Now she wants a relationship with her adult children that she laid no foundation for. The last time I heard her tell one of her friends that she doesn't like children, all I could say was "We know, Mom." If you don't want children, please do not have them!
17
When I was about 18, my best friend at the time and I theorized that, two year olds are so cute so you won't kill them and teenagers are so gnarly so you'll want them to leave the nest. Mother Nature doesn't always work in such mysterious ways. Sometimes it just takes common sense.
I do remember a time, decades ago, when a foster sister was visiting with her infant, a baby of truly extraordinary cuteness. The baby was on her stomach on a blanket on the floor, and my older sister was on the sofa looking at the baby. I could see a tension growing in my sister's face. Suddenly, she did explode and in a very aggressive voice shouted the baby's name. She could not take the excessive cuteness of this baby, and kinda lost it. The baby did that thing babies do, head shot up in alarm, silence for a second, then a huge wail of fear. My sister immediately ran to her, and I fell on the floor laughing.
3
The decline in reproduction ( an issue the NYTIMES doesn’t approach for some reason) is male fertility decline. I think we don’t talk about it because it might hurt the male ego and we’d also have to deal with what it means that only those who have access and afford IVF can choose to reproduce. If we started to confront the issue we’d have to look at the long term consequences of not allowing those who can’t afford the $25000 to reproduce.
As for your other issues, I never had ‘the baby thing’ Until I had my own and even after that it didn’t get generalized. However since I’ve had my perfect grandchild, I find myself oohing at babies in general.
2
When I read about the dog's paws smelling like corn chips (and loving the smell) that's when I got it. My cat's paws do the same for me, and cats have always been my babies. To each his own.
5
My favorite—-and cutest—-dog’s paws smell like the ground after a spring rain. I always wondered why no one else ever mentioned that their dogs paws smell really good but I never wondered why our other dogs’ paws didn’t. I guess his extreme cuteness actually is a Thing!
2
The (subjectively, of course) "squishiest, cutest" dogs have been selectively bred to resemble humans. One could argue specifically human babies/children. Large eyes, flat-ish faces, and round contours inspire humans to adore their "fur-babies," as many call them. But, to the main point of the article, I have felt that biting urge .... that squeezing urge .. when I see a small child since I was a pre-teen. It always made me feel a bit weird, but it seems there's something to it!!
1
I am a wee 22, but for at least 10 years my belief that I will never have or want children has never wavered. What upsets me the most is the instant demand for reasoning if this belief of mine comes up in conversation - why don’t we treat the desire to have children the same way? I think this conundrum further points to the lack of understanding of exactly what the “maternal instinct” really is, and where it comes from.
That being said, I completely adore babies and children. I love working with children, I’m great with them, and I so often get that feeling of wanting to eat a babies face. Echoing some other commenters, however, if I ever do get to a point in life where I feel the need to have a child, I would adopt - why would you create a new human when there already exist many without a mother?
5
Why not adopt? It's expensive, difficult (especially if you aren't part of a Christian, heterosexual couple) and terribly invasive. Not to mention you still may not end up with a child after shelling out thousands. It's a stress many families don't make it through and end up having their own children or going without.
1
There are so many factors that can mitigate against having children even if we find them heavenly scented! I never had children because I didn't marry til I was 33, my husband was 41. We both worked and needed to work in order to support a comfortable lifestyle, so we couldn't afford for one of us to stay home or to hire a full-time babysitter. Economics played the largest role in our decision not to procreate but my husband felt very strongly that both of our families' health histories might lead to an unfortunate genetic endowment for a child. I don't know why people so rarely consider these things. It all seemed totally reasonable to me despite how appealing babies can be. But they are only babies for a short time and then they become people with all the complexities and problems we all have. I guess we might have had a fantastically wonderful kid, or we might have had a kid with problems that would have made its life difficult. That's true for everyone but very few folks consider that. Why do people think they are so worthy of reproduction anyway? Most of us are flawed and will produce flawed children. Yet no one seems to think about that. And impoverishing a whole family just to have kids seems really selfish to me. Well, maybe I didn't have the greatest maternal drive either, but if I'd have been rich and had no fear of inherited problems I'd have had a kid. Don't know...but a diminishing population seems like a good idea anyway!
12
@Sheri - the reasons you give for not procreating are valid: middle-age parenthood, potential hereditary defects, not enough money to pay for children's needs, and the fear that our flaws plus our children's flaws aren't worthy of replication. My husband and I considered this very group of hazards and...had children anyway (a "surprise" pregnancy started our family's growth and we chose parenthood after understanding risks we could face.) We are frequently overwhelmed with medical situations and it has taken some family help to keep the mortgage paid, and yet my husband and I have been blessed with great love and our children are highly sensitive and empathetic in this tough world. They also remain as adorable and charming as they were more than 18 years ago when I chewed their cheeks and toes and squeezed the bejeezus out of them; meanwhile, my childfree friends have a middle-age lifestyle of travel, career, and culture that is almost enviable. I started adulthood as a proud aunt of many but am glad to have done the work of parenting, but back to your original point: raising a family amidst several medical crises is as hard as you guess it to be and it's a game of chance in the end. You mused about choosing parenthood if you were rich or had no fear of inherited problems - there is a lot more randomness than you'd think. In the end, as that great parent Abraham Lincoln said, "Folks are usually as happy as they make their minds up to be".
Pagan, please learn about the difference between correlation and causation.
Fertility rates may be declining, but it is a huge leap from that fact to then assert that the cause of that decline, or even a significant reason for that decline is women consciously choosing not to bear children. In other words, lower fertility rates are not necessarily proof that many women do not wish to procreate.
Actually, I think what you and demographers refer to as "fertility rates" should be called "pregnancy rates" or "(live) birth rates," because rates of actual fertility -- the ability to reproduce -- may or may not be the same as the number of (live) births, whether we are talking about individuals or groups (such as nations) of people.
I also wonder how and why the social scientists you refer to consider a perceived desire to hold and squeeze someone/thing or to "eat it up" as aggression rather than, say, libidinal. This is particularly so given that social psychology generally defines "aggression" as involving intent to cause harm, but that is clearly not the case when you want to spoon up your pooch's pudding-like tummy or one of the researchers feels an urge to embrace (squeeze) a small, puffy puppy. On the other hand, an urge to consume is and urge to join with, which is a libidinal urge. And it's telling that all of these urges described have to do with or are expressed verbally as a desire to "take in" by our touch, our mouths, by our olfactory sense.
9
This comment outpaces the original article in good sense by a large margin.
Although I often thought I would be a good mother, I never felt an urge to have a child. In my 20s, I gradually became very clear about not wanting a child and had my tubes tied at 30. I have never ever flinched at this decision.I don't care for babies at all, but I'm very interested when they start talking, even in gibberish. I enjoy occasionally babysitting, but I don't feel at all like I missed out. This was a much clearer decision to me than any other aspect of my life. I have a good life, and although I see that my sister has a loving and raucous family life that I sometimes distantly envy, I don't feel any sense of loss or real regret. I can't even really understand why anyone would think this was unusual.
7
I think this generalises the reasons why women want to have kids. I definitely didn’t have any overwhelming desire to have kids - I wasn’t someone who grew up thinking “wow I can’t wait to have kids”. I was never interested in babies and it took 8 years with my husband before I felt ok maybe I’d like kids with him. Note that - it was never about having kids for the sake of having kids it was about raising a family with my husband. And then of course it seemed we were infertile. Cue then my desperate desire to have kids. Took us three years to have our first and I love her with all the fierceness described in this article. Still not keen on other people’s babies - and have no desire to smell them, yuck. But my kid smells beautiful. Every woman’s reason for wanting kids is different and can’t all chalked down to some desperate maternal instinct
3
Great article, thanks for writing this. I really appreciate hearing a different perspective, along with the science. I’ve always been the type to want kids, but probably won’t be able to. I’m currently in my mid thirties and am bombarded by photos of my baby nephew and my friends’ babies. They’re cute and I enjoy playing with them, but certainly not everything. I just went to see the super bloom in Southern California and overheard two grandmothers talk about how dogs are better than grandkids. I don’t judge them for feeling that way and it was weirdly refreshing to hear someone say that aloud.
2
“Once that decline begins” (population decline) “it will never end”. That doesn’t sound like a problem to me-especially if it comes by self limiting births. No pain, no disease, more resources.
As far as the author identifying herself as a girl not liking to play with baby dolls well that’s me as well-I also don’t especially find baby pictures cute (not that I would ever insult the parents!)
My point being I have a child whom I love and I try to do the best I can to parent well.
Both my story and hers are anecdotal and I find it hard to believe it’s indicative of someone who decides not to have kids later.
5
Since I was three-years old my parents invited me to start reading everything. At 8 years old I would have breakfast with a bunch of papers on the table. By then, it was evident that human beings are the worst plague the planet has ever seen and the most cruel predators amongst all species. Bringing more predators -no matter how nice their heads smell at the beginning- at the expense of devastating the rest of the species seems irresponsible. In the last 40 years we, human beings with our never-ending consumption urges, have killed half of the population of all other species.
14
Best part of this, though not to the core of the topic: ‘the world population will start dropping by midcentury. “Once that decline begins,” they write, “it will never end”’; truly great news for every other creature (except for our pets): remission of Homo sapiens metastasis.
7
I feel it is time that we found a better term than "childless" or "childfree". Something more neutral as both these are loaded terms. I hate the term childfree. It inherently indicates that children are a pest or scrouge instead of a beautiful blessing that many of us feel they are. Childless indicates something missing.... like a person that is incomplete & needs to be pitied.
Just as we went from all those loaded "bachelor" & "spinster" & "divorced" & "widowed" etc... to just a neutral "single"... I hope someone more creative than me can come up with a neutral term for people who do not have kids for whatever reason without denigrating children. Anyone?
10
Great idea! For complex reasons, I have never married or had kids. I am 69, straight, and I hate my situation being regarded as something to be looked down upon or pitied. Give me a break!! I love some kids; they are simply others' kids, not mine. I still find many babies adorable but probably have a much stronger cuteness reaction to puppies, kittens, and other baby animals. Yes, I was afraid of pregnancy, childbirth, and ending up trapped in a bad marriage.
6
Would "non-parent" work??
How about "not a parent" or just "a person"?
I have both kids and dogs and as much as I love my kids I’m always showing off ridiculously cute pics of my potatoes- Spud and Tater. My kids do too. They seem to run the house at times.
6
I guess humans have gone through some hard times, because we've got strong reproductive urges programmed in. This one looks like it's for those populations that have figured out some form of birth control; nevertheless there will be those who can't resist having babies even after they how to manage their fertility biologically.
My family has people like this, who go ahead with a second baby even though the first pregnancy was painful and physically harmful; or who reproduce in less-than-optimal economic circumstances. Every day I give thanks that I missed out on these particular genes.
5
I fall somewhere in the middle of this spectrum. I totally get baby cuteness aggression. I have baby hunger, am obsessed with my daughter and love being a mom. I simply couldn’t fathom going back to work once she was born and I now stay at home with her while freelancing on the side. I do want to eat my baby right the heck up! And when people tell me how cute her cheeks are, my first response is always that they are very tasty and I eat them up for breakfast every day. What a weird thing to say about a human child, right? But the stranger thing is that the responder is always like “omgggg I would too, how can you even resist?!” It’s universal and yes, her head smell is intoxicating.
I don’t feel this way about all babies though. I am totally fine with seeing other people’s newborns and infants with my eyes and not my hands. Because I am a SAHM, I am afforded lots of opportunities to go to “mommy and me” activities around town during the day. I think other people’s kids are cute if they are actually cute (not all infants and toddlers are attractive IMO), but a lot of the time the first thing I notice is a runny nose or a sagging, full diaper or a flat head that needs reshaping. I guess my cuteness meter is selective. A lot of babies are like “meh” to me, though. Puppy tummies, on the other hand. Those are ALL cute and in need of a good smoosh.
59
@Jenna
Yes! I feel exactly the same way. I've got two deeply loved kiddos of my own, but no I don't want to hold your baby, thank you very much. My own mom has described her feelings about kids pretty much the same way--loved her own babies, meh about everybody else's.
5
@Jenna Dumb me, What's a SAHM?
2
@davetree
Stay at home mom.
3
At my 7th birthday party I announced to all of my very Catholic relatives that I was never going to have kids. I still remember their reactions; the same condescending phrase came out of their mouths as one: "Oh, you'll change your mind!" Fifty-two years later I have not changed my mind. I've made some really stupid decisions in my life but I still consider the decision not to have children as the best life decision I ever made. Really, it wasn't much of a decision; it's just me.
When I was 46 I had cancer which necessitated a hysterectomy. While getting prepped for surgery, the nurse asked me the obligatory name and "Why are you here?" questions. I answered that I was there for a hysterectomy and she countered with "Oh, how many kids do you have?" I said that I had none and in response she looked very sad and said "Oh, I am so sorry." She'd been looking at my record; she knew I had cancer yet she apparently viewed my childfree status as more pitiable than cancer. After telling her that this was very much by choice she got very quiet, as if I had offended her somehow.
Why did those who have kids seem to feel the need to "convert" me and others like me? My theory is that misery loves company. Fortunately I'm obviously too old for that now.
I don't want to hold your baby; please be polite and stop asking me to. But don't get between me and a puppy! Count me firmly in the "Puppies are cute. Babies are not" camp.
19
@pedigrees I agree that not having children is the best thing for me, 60 years old, no regrets. Love my cats though and volunteering at my local animal shelter.
10
Another narrow-minded opinion article that is hostile to babies and parents. Another article that highlights differences but doesn’t actually celebrate them. (Unless the specific trait in question or lack of the trait belongs to the author.). Another article that cites research studies without understanding the research. And a splash of reddit. Not impressed, again.
10
I'm dismayed by all the upvoted anti-children comments here. If you don't like babies and parenthood, by all means don't have them... no really... please don't. Babies are a lot of fun, and a lot of work. It is sad for an innocent, totally vulnerable child who didn't ask to be born having to grow up with a parent who considers them a burden. So just don't. I respect your choice & emotions.
But for me & many many others there is no more beautiful creation of nature's than a baby. Please respect our choices & emotions too. Those sweet, innocent pudgy cheeks, button nose & heart-melting smile. As the baby grows into a child, seeing the comprehension, learning & just love! My own babies are now 14 & 17. I love the teenage years too... the wicked sense of humor & deep passion around social causes. I love everything around children & completely accept the hardships that are an inevitable part of parenthood. Totally worth it!
16
Smelling the paws and finding it like corn chips? Check. Smelling the ears, too, though that smell isn’t so placeable. Earth, sweet, warm earth.
2
This article was a really long walk just to get to "The truth is, we just don’t know. ".
6
@Gary - The Comments Ms. Kennedy's column has inspired are part of its excellence. I am greatly enjoying this debate and reflection on parenting today.
1
I wonder if the urge to "eat up" babies is not so different from the urge to eat. Dogs have to be supervised very closely when they give birth. Sometimes when they eat the placenta they just keep going.
2
My dog’s paws smell like corn chips too!!! What’s up with that?
1
Thank you for this word “tokophobia”. I also decided at 10 never to have children. I never got the feeling from anyone that I was damaged or any less of a woman/person. I’ve never felt the need to populate the planet with more humans and feel stronger for not having done so. Instead my contribution has been to help rescue furry and feathered species who’ve been injured through humans’ actions.
169
But is t there a difference between not wanting to have children, on the one hand, and being scared by pregnancy or the thought of being pregnant? One could desperately want children but still feel terrified or repulsed by either other women's pregnancies or when imagining oneself pregnant or by the actual state of being pregnant (for example, if a woman had a traumatic labor and delivery or witnessed or heard about one, she might develop a fear of pregnancy but still want to have (more) children -- presenting her with a distressing and painful internal conflict.
9
@Amy. I was about to write almost the same thing. Fear of childbirth was not the issue (although fear seems to be a reasonable emotion under the circumstances). For me, it was a lack of desire to have children. And one ought to want to have children before doing so. And I happen to have a strong desire to help animals who, as you note, have often been harmed. Anyway, always nice to see there are others who have a similar perspective. Thanks!!!
16
@Amy
Yes, exactly. I volunteer at no-kill shelters, where I get all the warm fuzzies I want.
10
OMG we call our dog "Frito feet"!!
5
The scent of puppies make me swoon.
6
Since this planet is severely overpopulated by humans, let's be glad that birth rates are declining.
12
I was never opposed to the idea of having children. I just figured that I would meet someone and we would have children. Looking back clearly I could have been more active in achieving that result. Perhaps that puts me in the middle of your scale. When I turned 50 I got a vasectomy and I am happy with the choice. I didn't want to spend my later years focusing on children. I want to focus on other dreams.
7
It's just wonderful to read this...with every article or testimony on the topic, I feel less of an outcast. In my twenties, I realized I had no instinctual drive to have kids, and no interest in or attraction to babies at all. I was distressed that my fiancé wanted kids and he was distressed that I didn't. My mother told me not to worry, that at my age she hadn't wanted them either. I got married thinking I might change my mind, justifying the risk by arguing that my husband might change his, as well. How could we know? But, alas, we both only grew stronger in our convictions and amicably divorced. A decade later I met my current husband who, while not finding kids as uninteresting as I do, was not particularly keen on having them either. Now, whenever we witness a baby screaming or a kid acting up, we wink at each other and whisper "child-free". We are very happy.
9
I knew as a child I didn’t want kids. Never wavered and never regretted. I did always want dogs and waited until I was nearly 40 to responsibly care for them. I will ALWAYS have a dog or two in my life.
Like so many people who don’t understand why I didn’t want children, I can’t imagine why they don’t want dogs.
And the smell of dog toes? Heavenly. :)
Great column.
9
Yes, babies are cute. But they grow up and become pre-adolescents and teenagers and 30-year-olds living in your basement. Then, not so cute.
Yes, puppies are cute. But they grow up and become the forgotten middle-aged dog on a leash sitting forlornly in an empty backyard.
There are too many children and pets in whom their parents lost interest once their cuteness waned. Many would-be parents don't think longterm. I did and, being honest with myself, chose to forgo motherhood. I'm now 61 and don't regret it.
7
There's another piece to this to consider -- biologically, giving birth for humans is much harder, more painful, and riskier than for other species due to our large heads (to accommodate our big brains) together with our strong pelvic floors (to allow us to walk erect). Giving birth has always been and remains a high cause of female mortality... Perhaps this danger to women and what would seem a healthy fear of giving birth, plus the reliance on women to continue the species helps explain the apparently timeless, borderless efforts to control women up to now... So yes, let's celebrate babies and motherhood, but also honor women's hard earned right to choose.
13
Ms. Kennedy, you are exercising your right to choose. You can spin the decision in any direction you wish but it is your decision.
Nowadays, there are many considerations involved but primarily, long term commitment both emotional and financial and these are major. If motherhood is in your future, you have to be darned sure of yourself.
7
I chose early in my life not to have children and something I immediately told partners. But when my father was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and the illness took his strength, my 6 sisters and brothers and I arranged a roster so that there was always one of us with him overnight. On his deathbed, he was surrounded by his children who talked to him and kissed and held him until he passed. Five years before, our mother also died in the arms of her children.
Before my parents' deaths, I was sometimes told, "But if you don't have any kids you'll die alone." My answer was that I would never bring a life into this world just for it to have to wait on me hand and foot in my demented old age and to have children for that reason is selfish and unethical. I still believe that. There are many benefits to not being someone's mother and I've never regretted my decision - but I recognise that my choice for autonomy and independence also has its downside. Unlike my parents, when it comes my time to die, I won't be surrounded by the love of beloved children but will most likely die alone. I've chosen my life and I accept that, but it's still daunting.
Like other people have mentioned, I adore my dogs too - but I will outlive them, and any future pets will soon forget me after I'm dead. Friends and pets are wonderful but my 91-yr-old father's friends were either sick themselves or dead when he got sick. It was his family who were there at the end.
9
Perhaps your nieces and nephews will be there for you.
I never have been swooning over everybody else’s babies but it felt very special to have my own child. It’s like being in love completely most of the time though sometimes I’d rather have her grownup and move out already.
However the one thing I never imagined is how having your own child tells you all about you being you. In a way words cannot express. It’s like an indecipherable code from the universe translating into a child. Utterly fascinating.
Also, ever since she was born I noticed it became more and more impossible for me to watch (suggestions of) violence or high suspense on tv. Even the faintest hints in rather ordinary tv-series, movies and even books had me turn away.
(Sometimes I wonder if terrorists like the NZ terrorist actually have (young) children of their own.)
Nevertheless I knew one child was good. I was lucky and fortunate to have been given my daughter and I enjoy it as much as possible.
But still, I wouldn’t be devastated if it hadn't happened. I would have made a different life and be happy.
4
I’ve long kept my desire to deep-fry and eat my Schnoodle’s tail secret for fear of judgement by the outside world. Thanks to this article I no longer feel so alone in this world. 😂
I always responded warmly to children and never doubted that I wanted my own. But I also know people who were indifferent to them (mostly men), and who then became deeply loving parents. More interesting, the experience turned many of them into lovers of children generally — the kind of folks who point out a cute kid at the grocery store on the street or play peek-a-boo with a stranger’s child on the plane. I don’t care whether other people choose not to have children. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
3
Individuals have different desires and instincts. Culturally, we need to remember that birth control was not nearly as reliable before the introduction of the "pill" in the late 60s. As my mother told me, her eldest son, back in her day if you were healthy and married it was a near certainty you would have some children. People then just accepted children as par for the course. I am a 62-year-old lawyer, my wife is a 63-year-old attorney. We have been together since late 1975. We didn't have children. We didn't want children. Fortunately, we had no conflicts in that area, and, as icing on the cake, we both love dogs and cats (all rescues). If we had decided to raise a child, I think we would have tried to adopt--after all, a puppy is a puppy and a baby is a baby.
My three younger brothers each had two children, so my mom got the grandchildren she wanted.
The interesting thing is that when we would tell people we didn't have any children back when we were 30, in the late 80s, the default assumption was that we couldn't have children. Now, in our 60s, when we tell people we didn't have children, they overwhelmingly tend to assume it was because we didn't want to have children. Times and attitudes change.
12
At age five I “helped” raise my younger sister. As a young woman I felt I had already raised children so had no desire to become a mother. Two degrees in hand, married to a damaged but successful man at age twenty-eight life happened and a child I never longed for was born.
I remember the moment of panic when it hit me that she knew nothing, I would have to teach her everything and most probably on my own. I could have terminated the pregnancy. I am not sure why I did not.
It took me four months to be happy I had not but I put on a smile and faked enthusiasm until I felt it. I was not going to walk into her room with her sensing my ambivalence and fright.
I FREELY accepted the role of being the guide for a new being so from then on any decision I made was based on what was best for her. I also needed to be happy; a sad parent is crushing to a child’s spirit.
We were so very lucky; we were a great match and we had fun together.
Being a parent is accepting to hold your little person’s hand until she can safely cross the street on her own. It does not matter where the little ones comes from. It comes home; you are the only parent they know. It’s not about your fulfillment or your own needs anymore its about theirs.
She no longer needs me but she has wanted me around her and her own little ones from birth.
She calls just to chat, we all vacation together etc.
I still can’t believe my luck and it was my choice. Freedom to choose is all.
11
I love kids and volunteer with after-school childcare for 5-11yos and love it - but I also chose not to have kids myself - I'm now old and retired and am still happy with that decision.
the unwelcome assumption that every woman wants to have kids reminds me of Australian ABC TV Q&A the other night - a video question asked if the 5 panel members believed in God - as he said he was a Catholic and could not imagine not.
So the panel members one by one mostly espoused Christianity, until one female politician just said 'I've always been an agnostic' - the young Catholic shook his head like 'this is just WRONG' - so yeah freedom as long as you think and behave like me ... ?
3
I didn't want kids until my late twenties, though I always liked babies. I told people I didn't plan to have kids, now I have children and am glad I do. People can and do change their minds.
3
Great article. I’ve always felt the same way about children and don’t have them. The drive was missing. I thought I was unusual but I find my tribe wherever I live.
8
I would volunteer to be part of this study in a heartbeat. I remember thinking the heads of my babies smelled like cookies, same with my new nephew... (my kids are now teens). I totally get the, "So cute, I want to eat you," mind. I've always thought of it as its own kind of love. There's romantic love, friend love and when you REALLY love something (like your kids) there is the "I love you so much, I want to eat you... but I won't" kind of love. It sounds crazy to say out loud, but it IS a thing. I also think our dog is unbelievably cute, and his earthy-smelling paws have a comforting scent. Cats, guinea pigs, mice, some reptiles... there is a long list of what I think is cute. What's my deal? Bring on the science.
1
I teach English and read Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men each year with 7th graders. As many will recall, Lenny, George’s mentally disabled sidekick, loves petting soft things. In the first chapter of the novella, he squashes a mouse by loving it too hard.
My students instinctively understand that Lenny doesn’t know his own strength and can’t moderate his desire to squeeze that which he loves- eventually Curley’s wife- to death.
There certainly seems to be something strangely biological about this emotional desire. I hope scientists delve into this one.
5
Just as different women have different desires, so do female animals.
Some of my fainting goats are great mothers and some are not so good, but just make due. Then some of them will have nothing at all to do with kids. (This, even though kids are extremely cute, IMO.) They will drop a kid out in the field and walk away.
But then...
When that happens, our live stock guard dog will smell the newborn, go find the kid, and stay with it until I come rescue it.
Once back, the herd usually rejects the abandoned kid.
Not to worry. One of our spayed guard dogs will step in and adopt the kid. She will even let the abandoned kid dry nurse. It must be an emotional comfort to both of them as there is no actual nutrition. (Obviously, that comes from a bottle every few hours. And do people ever love feeding the baby goat this way!)
Some animals like to mother against all odds, some don't. No need to judge, that is just the way it is.
328
@A Faerber
I think goats are some of the best people I have ever met.
12
@A Faerber
Ahhh! I love this story! You have some excellent dogs.
10
Actually, ethologists and ethological psychologists have had a word for the "cuteness" characteristics that evoke nurturance and that "ahhhh" response on seeing babies. What's interesting is that the young of many species show these characteristics, which is why we oooh and ahhh after puppies, small dogs, kittens, and cartoon characters. Here is a references to Konrad Lorenz's work (who introduced the term) www.psywww.com/intropsych/ch08-animals/konrad-lorenz.html .
See also
https://books.google.com/books?id=otfLCgAAQBAJ&pg=PA259&lpg=PA259&dq=Hess+%22Babyishness%22&source=bl&ots=QhsCsbqjFj&sig=ACfU3U1yYjzRyFWm7jL8oRZiZTKYn-Pgfw&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjz4N-f6oThAhWvslkKHVm3AfsQ6AEwCHoECAAQAQ#v=onepage&q=Hess%20%22Babyishness%22&f=false
2
@Marsha weinraub
Among the specific factors that Psychologists have found is that most (but not all) people find the big round heads, large eyes and helplessness in babies of all species especially appealing.
Babies almost universally will smile at their parents, and often strangers, especially in response to a smile or to a high pitched greeting. I find a baby smiling at me almost irresistible. I often initiate the smiling behavior.
Part of me thinks, "Let them grow up learning all people are loving". Unfortunately, they'll have all too much time late to revise that opinion.
2
I was told by a vet that when a dog’s paws smell like corn chips they have a yeast infection. I found this out because I now own white dogs and you can see the discoloration. On a darker dog you would never know unless they star licking.
3
I am grateful to have discovered this article. I, too, am a woman who never caught the baby urge. When a young girl, I told relatives I'd rather have puppies instead of babies, and I kept dolls only for my girl cousins to play with, etc. I blamed it on the fact my sister ( who was 13 yrs older than me) had a baby when I was 6 years old and that baby, my niece, was Not a cute doll, cuz she cried and pooped!! Then I also blamed the fact I grew up with an alcoholic father and a co- dependent mother. But in reality, other people, other women experience those things and still want babies. The interesting thing is that I became a pediatrician. I do Not hate kids, as some commenters have proposed. But I do prefer to interact with older kids. The 3, 4, and 5 year olds are the "cute" ones to me. And then as children grow up and mature, it's a different appeal, a "mentoring" drive to help guide and nourish those young minds. In a world of 7 billion people, I have not fretted too much over not having kids. There plenty of kids that I help to raise and guide in other ways.
22
All I know is that my child is literally the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, and all others are bridge trolls.
12
Baby hunger is a really powerful urge. I loved dolls and all things miniatures as a child, but never felt the urge to babysit as a teenager, and as a young adult did not find babies cute or necessary to my life - until, all of a sudden, at the age of 27, I had this inexplicable and deep yearning to have a baby. It was totally out of my control. Something in my biology drove me. And when I couldn’t get pregnant, my husband and I adopted. I have friends who are child-free out of choice, but I personally never could have been. I had a flourishing and fulfilling career, but I had to have children.
7
I don't like dogs. I hate the way they smell, the way they sound, the gross humping and slobbering and the larval look of their paw pads. They're cute enough as puppies, I suppose, but beyond that, forget it. The personification of their feed-me motives - "Oh, she just loves me!" - strikes me as the utmost in anti-science absurdity (nearly as bad as all that "rainbow bridge" nonsense). I wish them no harm, certainly, and cruelty in any form turns my stomach, but a "no pets" policy is fine be me in any social circumstance.
You think society has a bias against the child-free? Try saying what I just wrote at a dinner party.
22
Ha! I do know what you mean. I often find myself telling my dog, “If you were a man I would never in a million years let you kiss me with that mouth, eww that breath. And you would never make it into the house even, (forget about sleeping with me) no matter how sweet and intuitive and nonjudgemental you are. And I wouldn’t pick up your poop and carry it around with me either. So I guess I must truly love you.” And she just smiles knowingly. You see, dogs know (nothing).
3
“You probably want to know how much weight you’re going to lose when we remove the cyst; women always want to know,” he said. That’s when I allowed myself to loathe him.
The gynecologist who did my hysterectomy commented on my healthy farmer's tan.
hahaha
The highly recommended surgeon became a mere technician.
“Birds do it; Bees do it; even educated fleas do it” and yet, as far as I know, none of these animals and insects had to learn or study “How and Why” nature does it.
I think you’re way over acting out the part; your part about why we have off spring! First off, it’s NOT about YOU!!! It’s about the reason we’re here on this planet.
If everyone had followed the Apostle Paul’s advice, our civilization would have come to an inglorious end!
Could it be that it’s engraved into our DNA? Probably. So–you have every right to NOT want children without you being judged. You also have every right to think about the animal kingdom anyway you want to, including smelling a dog or cat’s paw. Yikes!
Sorry, I’ll pass on that one.
I’ll also pass on your article, but couldn’t resist making a comment.
2
I like my dog but he smells terrible.
200
@Andy
I couldn't stop laughing at your remark.
8
I hope this desire to not have kids spreads worldwide. It is our only hope to save our planet's biodiversity. Already the human species has changed much of the world, has driven species to extinction, and further population growth means more of the same. To say nothing of climate warming.
And besides, there are still a lot of kids that could use a good home, so if the kid imperative hits when you are too far along to bear one of your own, consider adoption. You give a kid a chance at a great life and you don't add to the global population. What could be better?
20
There is no such thing as "chosen not to reproduce."
There is no such thing as "to choose".
.
The is a mechanistic universe. Everything in it is governned by the laws of physics: Newton's Laws of motion, relatavistic mechanics as described by Einstein, quantum mechanics as descibed by Plank, Heisenberg, de Broglie, Dirac, Bohr, etc. and possibly String Theory (has not been worked out yet and may be a false hypothesis).
.
"Is this an expression of practical concerns or inborn wiring?"
The writer is close to the truth in this statement, even is she is wrong on the in the way she arrives at it. Even if Kennedy is correct that the future of "humanity" is determined by the way women do or do not bear children, the fact is that "humanity" is just an ensemble of particles that interact with all the other particles in the universe according to the laws of physics.
"The authors of a new book, “Empty Planet,” are going so far as to warn that the world population will start dropping by midcentury. “Once that decline begins,” they write, “it will never end.”"
I get that this freaks out economists, but this is absolutely a good thing. Resources are limited.
23
Thanks for this article - I've always though something must be wrong with me not to want children.
In my twenties, so many female friends were getting married and starting families. A very dear friend seemed anxious to get started because all of her other friends were. When she became a mother, it was as though the friend disappeared and now was only Richard's Mom. We could not have a discussion or any type of social interaction as her whole reason for being was Richard, to the extent I pitied her husband. Richard had kidnapped her.
I think I always knew I wasn't mommy material and talked to my mother about it. She advised that it's an 18 to 20+ yr., 24/7/365 commitment not to be taken lightly, to listen to my own instincts and to not allow myself to be pressured.
Over the yrs. peers said it was selfish and immature to live solely for myself. A neighborhood I once lived in, when at a meet 'n greet the women learned I had no children, but had a responsible job, I was ostracized - treated like the plague.
I have nieces, nephews, and their children to love and enjoy, along with my own four legged family. Also I married a man who had a 6 yr. old and was his step-Mom every summer until he turned 18.
I've never regretted my choice. That word "choice" is most important. It should be left up to the parent(s) to be, to decide whether or not to make such an important lifelong commitment.
26
Of the three women I know well, including myself, who never truly wanted to be mothers and who got through their reproductive years without reproducing, all three had mothers of their own who were more than just inadequate. Lots of people have had mothers who ranged from somewhat neglectful to godawful, but they still go on to have children of their own, for good or ill. No, our little group had mothers who appeared to have been devastated by motherhood, to the point of suffering bouts of major depression or other forms of mental illness that first occurred or grew much worse after they became parents. And I, for one, like the author, have a clear memory of deciding as a very young child that I would never be a mother, though I spent my reproductive years convincing myself that I might have a child after all if circumstances were ever right. So, while increased opportunities for stimulating lives and economic independence may play a large role, could the connection between bearing witness to this kind of maternal unhappiness and the choice not to have children actually be at the root of many women's apparently "cold-blooded" decision to forego motherhood?
14
I buy the core premise. There are people out there who just don't like kids, and it's probably best if they don't have any. Even a generation ago, women who did not want kids had them anyway and were miserable.
I do, though, hate the framing around parental instincts. It's positioned as this dumb, thoughtless, irrational, animal, and - yes - inherently female urge.
We don't do this with other instincts. Our sexual urges are framed as great romances. Our violent urges feed into great epics of heroism. But the urge to parent? It is too feminine and sordid. There's nothing noble about it. It's treated as mindless.
It's part and parcel of a bigger problem I often see. You can do okay as a woman in America if you position yourself as one of the guys, a striving, capitalist/feminist go-getter. But the second you cross over to the parenting side of the line? Wow. You are excommunicated from Lean In feminism. You are sidelined at work. You are unwelcome in most public places. You are faintly embarrassing. You remind people unpleasantly of their own mommy issues. Your body is too obtrusively squishy, round, and feminine. You start being spoken to like you are an idiot.
I feel like in America we are okay with the idea of women being equal - but "mommies" are another category.
So let's make a bargain: nobody is going to treat women who don't want kids as defective or unnatural, but in return, you have to stop treating mothers like dimwitted brood sows or sacrificial animals.
347
@A
I'm copying this and sending it to all my girlfriends. You've perfectly captured what I've been thinking, and managed to say it quite eloquently. Thanks!
32
@A
Thank you so much! There’s this idea that those who don’t want kids are more progressive or intelligent. It’s like you’re suddenly one step closer to cracking the code to freedom. So not true. I think the goal is being joyful with your unique purpose in life. progress isn’t one uniform way of living it’s a combination of everyone walking out their purpose and calling.
42
@A Ok, I'm going to be brutally and selfishly honest here. The simple reason that women (and a few men I've known) are "sidelined" at work after having children is because it invariably means more work for the rest of us. I try to be all "it takes a village", but when I get stuck doing the extra work day after day of people who need (and deserve) the time off for the kids, yeah, it wears thin. I would never express this out loud, certainly not at work, but does my grumpiness sneak out in ways I'm not aware of? Probably. And apologies.
87
Of course it's an instinct. Does any rational person think "wow, I can't wait to produce a shrieking, incontinent little goblin that will live off me parasitically for twenty years at least"?
33
@ThomasH Nothing that humans do is "rational," really.
2
Witty, and very appropriate article!! Love the line "and possibly a volvo"..... you ROCK!! Keep writing, ok?
6
In Singapore we have the word “grum” for cute aggression. This was like reading about myself, thank you.
3
Wow, your friend Mary sure likes the smell of bread.
If you have any doubts about the world being overpopulated and causing the overall quality of life to be diminished for everyone, I suggest you visit countries such as India, China or Mexico, where cultures that predicate the primary role of women to be childbearers are based on archaic beliefs. The reality is that the world is full of unwanted children who need love and care. Why not help those who are already here on the planet?
172
Janet,
Your info is a little dated. China’s birth rates plummeted because of the one child policy. It has created a demographic imbalance so large that they’ve rescinded the policy, but the birth rate hasn’t (and isn’t likely to) change. It will be interesting to see what happens in thirty years when an aged population dependent on social welfare programs much smaller workforce must rely on tax revenue generated by a significantly smaller work force.
As for India and Mexico, birth rates have been declining for years.
18
@Janet Baker
Janet Baker's comment, representing the voice of reason, is one way of looking at it.
At what? The big picture. Wind, Water, Earth and Air. The seething roiling tangle of it all. Dust bowls. Fire and Flood. Drought and Famine. Pandemics. Sink holes. Tsunamis. Eruptions. Tectonics. Asteroids. In other words, Nature. What happens. What goes on.The physical. The actual.
Who's in charge here?
If we want to we can bring God into it. Unlike Nature, God is not physical. God is Omnipotence, Omnisicience, Infinity, and Eternity, the possibies we fallible mortals can only conceive of; the infinite Wisdom and Compassion we can only aspire to.
Back to the subject at hand: biological reproduction:
We - being part of Nature - seem unable to grasp that we're never going to outwit the biological imperative. Why? Maybe that's God's little joke at our expense: we learn from experience.
But if we aren't careful we could witlessly do in our own species, right? That would be one for the history books... Are you listening, ET?
2
I have two children. They are wonderful and I adore them. However, before I had my children I had never felt particularly maternal and I wanted to raise children more out of a compelling intellectual interest and curiosity in human development and behaviour than because I love babies. I suspect there are a lot of women like me. Meh on the cuteness factor of it all, yet dedicated to the cause of helping to produce (hopefully) a kind person for our world. I wish parenthood was framed more like this, rather than some kind of calling.
I also can't imagine why anyone who actively prefers not to make the huge emotional and financial commitment of parenthood should be stigmatised or judged. It is a brave, brave thing to have so much self-awareness.
494
@Amber
Thank you for acknowledging that the decision to not have children is brave and not to be stigmatized or judged.
Having been wed in 1973 and still together and happy, I will tell you that there was and still is a whole lot of judgement aimed at us for our most personal choice. This came at us from everywhere, relentless and insulting.
Through the years, some are shocked to find out from us that indeed it is a choice, you do not 'have to have children'
Friends and former girlfriend assumed that we had to get married at that age because of pregnancy like so many others. I was 21, my wife was 19, we married out of pure love. The ones married because of pregnancy are divorced now. Right to our face some would persist "Why don't you want children?" Like it is any of their business.
We always appreciate happy parents with their families and dote on our nephews and nieces but the reality is that parenthood is not for everyone, and it should not be. There is nothing 'wrong with us' and as my wife frequently states to the curious new mothers now: "It is the Greenest thing you can do".
All the best to you and the dedication expressed here.
90
@Amber
Same here - and I'm so glad to hear from another woman with a similar view!
After a long and lovely single-life, I married late and had two kids late because we sort of wanted to see if we could and what they might be like. My husband has a different ethnicity than I do, so how they might look fascinated us. They are great and I wouldn't trade it, but it certainly wasn't a calling for me either.
24
@Amber Same here ! I was never overly attracted to babies and the head-smell thing is unknown to me. As a young lawyer I used to pretend I was on the phone when an assistant on maternity leave would visit with her newborn. I just couldn’t fake it. And yet... I had two boys before I turned thirty-two (“Okay, let’s do this”) and something radical happened in me. It’s not that all babies suddenly became irresistible (to this day they have not) but these two were mine. I morphed into a mama bear. Work became secondary. I was ready to kill to protect these two. The boys are grown now and my love for them hasn’t changed one bit. But my desire to have them definitely wasn’t born out of an attraction for helpless little creatures with smelly heads.
12
You stated that your boyfriend who wanted to be a father "dumped" you. Is it OK to also say that you "dumped" him?
6
This is no secret nor new discovery. Decades ago, Maurice Sendak had Mickey, his adorable brat, shout at his truly beloved mother, "I could eat you up," and then added, "I love you so." The intimate relationship between maternal (I would add also paternal) love and irresistible aggression were truly two sides of the same coin. Perhaps all of Sendak's works, even his most winsome, were variations on that same theme. If you have it, you can't successfully deny it. if you don't, I doubt it can be faked.
5
Since the author "Pagan,' despite her name, irritatingly requires an official imprimature from the medical/sociological/psychological establishment with perhaps some monetization of her "type" thrown in--i.e. maybe I'm a 2nd "mother" type, like lesbians and trans people are a 3rd gender. I submit this to bolster her argument-- Wolves mostly live in packs. Only the alpha female is allowed to bear pups. if another female does, she will get a social visit from the other ladies who will promptly eat her babes. This is to ensure that scarce resources are not spread too thin. So, perhaps it's an evolutionary trait. I don't have children either. And I'm definitely in the Frito camp. I tell my dog she will make the most wonderful soup one day. For some reason she doesn't like me sniffing her paws.
5
I never wanted kids or felt anything special towards babies, but oooooh, get me near any kind of baby animal except human and I’m done for!
13
Woman, 48 here, childfree by choice. I never wanted children and have been told my entire life "you'll change your mind," and "you don't want to get old alone," and "who will take care of you when you're old?" Which is a funny argument because, especially in American society, this is a very bad thing to count on. And if you have kids just for that, there's something wrong with your reasoning.
And while now at my age, I detest children less than I did in my 20s and 30s (the sound of them screaming and playing grates on me almost like nails on a chalkboard), and I can hold babies and play with toddlers without getting irritable, the desire to have my own never changed. I'm happy with my life kind of the way it is. And I don't feel bad at all, because for every one of "me," there is an equal number of women who want and enjoy kids, and are good at being parents.
And about that animal-paw smell... my cats paws smelled a bit like dirty socks and Fritos. I didn't delight in the smell, but I thought it was cute... cuter than the sour baby-barf smell for sure.
12
I knew from childhood I did not want kids. As a 20 something woman with constant cysts and other issues, I asked my male GYN about having my ovaries removed; he "counseled" me that one day I would want to have kids and didn't agree to the procedure. Sadly, my female GYN a few yrs later said the same thing. I was frustrated and angry, and now in my late 40s I still resent that doctors did not take my issues or my non -desire for children seriously. Trust an adult women when she tells you she does not want kids. If indeed she regrets it later on, that's her cross to bear.
14
@M
I was 19 when I started trying to convince my GYNs that I really did know what I was talking about when I asked for sterilization. It took 16 years of asking before I finally found one who would agree to do it. And what finally did it was this conversation:
Me: I'd like tubal ligation please.
Dr: What if you change your mind?
Me: If I came in here and told you I wanted to get pregnant would your response be "What if you change your mind?" If not, why not? Are children reversible?
6
A half-century ago this coming summer, I was 17 and about to be a college freshman. One afternoon I sat outside in the back yard and made myself 3 promises: 1. I would never marry. 2. I would never have biological children. 3. I would never rely on anyone else for my income. Nearly 5 decades have elapsed, and I've remained true to those promises. About every 10 years, my subconscious would kick them into my conscious mind for review. I did take time to consider how I felt at that particular time, and I did give myself permission if I wanted to change my mind. Never did. To this day, I have no regrets, no legal spouse, no biological children, and I am in my 47th year of working professionally full-time. I consider myself a happy, well-vintaged woman with a bucket list that still involves international travel and winning PowerBall. I actually love babies, puppies, my nieces, and my godsons. For 30 years, I've been a donor to a local non-profit whose mission is to care for abused and neglected children, and children born HIV-positive and abandoned by their families. I participate in a project to feed 170 kids at the elementary school across from my home every weekend because they likely wouldn't eat otherwise. Point being, my life is not, and never has been, devoid of children. They simply are not MY children. Works for me. Works for them. Will try sniffing my cats' paws tonight!
26
I too was truly ambivalent to children (and disliked dolls as a kid) until my son came along. I’m still not a kid-person, but I love my son and his younger sister with all my heart, and I enjoy parenting far more than I thought I would. I also really still like dogs. These things are not all mutually exclusive.
8
"The authors of a new book, 'Empty Planet,' are going so far as to warn that the world population will start dropping by midcentury. 'Once that decline begins,' they write, 'it will never end.'"
But, do they go on to explain why that's a bad thing? Indeed, how can it be anything other than a good thing? Look at what 7+ billion people are doing to the planet and to the other species. We are wiping out everything else--even the bugs are in decline. We are about to enter an age when there are no other large mammals, aside from the unfortunate ones we raise in horrific conditions and slaughter in even more horrific conditions for our food. The oceans are full of plastic, our toxic chemicals pollute the soil beneath our feet, the atmosphere is rapidly becoming more filthy smog than sky, thousands of pieces of space junk occupy our outer atmosphere, animals die horrible deaths trapped in fishermen's nets and factory farms--and so on endlessly. And it's a problem that our numbers are declining? Say, what?
I recently read something to the effect that if the bees were to die out, pretty much every other animal would be dead within about 50 years. If humans were to die out, everything else on the planet would flourish.
Long story short, it's absolutely fine with me if our numbers decline, and keep declining. Can't happen soon enough.
29
That's the reality. Those who "chose" to reproduce made the poorest of choices. I hope human extinction and the consequent flourishing of the planet comes soon.
1
It seems like I have the opposite problem--I don't really enjoy animals. They are ok but I much prefer humans. I never wanted a pet. Growing up in Manhattan, I always thought it was cruel to keep dogs in apartments when I assumed they needed lots of open space. Of course I also thought it was cruel to keep small children confined to apartments where you had to take the elevator to reach the outdoors. As a person who never wanted children until I felt what seemed like a physical desire later in life, I was amazed to experience this postpartum "elation" which has been more or less permanent. Is it all down to hormones? Worthy of more study, I think.
3
As a boy in Jr. High School I told myself that I would have two children just like my parents did. I told myself that I would marry at about 30 years old (slightly older than my father did.)
I always liked taking care of younger children from late grade school onward, but did not have an interest in holding babies, they just were not interesting unlike the kids became at near 2 years old. I cared for, comforted and talked to friends', acquaintances and strangers' children and enjoyed it all while having no interest in babies.
As it turned out, I got married about the time I expected (31) and soon there was a baby on the way. I knew she was pregnant weeks before she did and at about the fourth month, all of a sudden and for the first time in my life I was holding other people's babies - and loving it! Soon after my first son was born (and I was the first to hold him and always enjoyed it), I changed my mind - I wanted to have either 2 or 3 children. I never cared if it would be boys, girls or a mix just healthy was all I asked for. As it turned out, I ended up with 3 boys and so far we have 4 grandchildren - the youngest of whom was here on the farm with me while I was working this morning - he is a toddler.
I agree some people should not have children. Some learn from their upbringing that they cannot raise them well. But the joy for those of us who love children in raising them as well as we can is truly wonderful despite the challenges.
6
I don't go into cute overload, but I am very happy to have my kids.
I thought cuteness was something linked to baby care for a long time? And are people popping the bubbles from aggression or because they want to hold the baby and are frustrated they can't?
I do like the smell of cat paws and cats are my favorite pets. Dogs are fine, but cats are necessary. And I love holding babies, they are so relaxing and wonderful.
1
I can totally identify! When I was a child, I also announced to my parents that I would never have children. (My parents were wonderful, I was a happy child in a happy family, so my own experience in that way was not a factor.) I'm 55, and never did have children. Actually, my two brothers said exactly the same thing, and they are childless (child-free?) too. Some people are just not cut out for parenthood, and the know it deep inside from an early age.
I have lived with the "sympathy" of female friends with children--just shrug it off of the most part. Some of them I pity in return: I do think that some people are totally cut out to be parents, and are fulfilled by children, and good for them! But I also think many people get married and have children--even if they don't particularly want those things--just because they are sheep: they think that's what they are "supposed" to do, and, after all, all of their friends are doing it, and it just seems to be the next "step" in an otherwise bewildering or empty life, and, er...
Time to make childlessness (child-free-ness?) acceptable--not to discourage people who truly want to be parents from having children, but to give "permission" to those who don't want them not to have them. As it is, some of the parents I know are absolutely miserable.
13
On my 16th birthday, my mother started nagging that it was time to find a nice girl to settle down with "in a couple of years" so I could make her a grandmother. My reply was that I'd been her live-in babysitter for six years and had changed my sister's diapers more than Mom had. She argued that my sister was her fourth child, and she'd had "enough of that." I answered, "Me, too."
22
Someone hypothesized that cuteness in babies, be they human, kittend, or turtles, is like a survival skill. The helpless and vulnerable little creature relies on cuteness to inspire others to care for it, or not eat it, perhaps?
6
I always found babies adorable, and eatable (and I think much of that behavior is learned, as teeth-clenching & cheek-pinching are major traits in my family). However, I don't think that physical reaction necessarily translates into a desire for motherhood. I never had the slightest desire to be a mother until I accidentally got pregnant & lost the baby. That was the only time I ever longed to have a baby, though I had loved holding them often enough,
4
As an evolutionary biologist, I find this topic of particular interest. Natural selection should rather quickly eliminate any genes that decreases parental inclinations, especially on the extreme of absolutely not wanting to be a parent. Thus, I would not be surprised to learn from some future research on the topic that giving birth invokes brain pathways that lead to parental behavior, including believing that one's child is the most precious in the world. . This mechanism of using birth as the trigger could work with most species because only humans (I suspect) are aware that sex and becoming a parent are linked. Doing such research with humans raises some obvious ethical problems. And the fact (I think this is likely true) that humans are the only species that can articulate that they do not want to be parents, makes research with other species difficult also.
(yes, my tongue is embedded within my cheek a bit, but I do think this is an interesting evolutionary problem).
4
Science magazine had a special issue on dogs, and their relationship to humans.
Japanese scientists did a lot of research on this. Dogs and humans developed an affinity by staring into each other's eyes -- the same way that mothers and babies stared into each other's eyes. This produces the hormone oxytocin (popularly called the "love hormone") in humans, babies and dogs.
Science magazine said that dogs have hijacked the mechanism by which humans love their babies.
Another Japanese scientist went to a dog show, and photographed dogs and their owners. She came back and asked experimental subjects to match dogs with their owners. The results were statistically significant. When she covered up the eyes, the results were no longer statistically significant. So there's something going on in the way that dogs and humans look at each other. (And babies.)
6
@Norman. I’m a professional dog walker and have found that the comfort level dogs experience whole being gazed at by humans varies tremendously. Many dogs get anxious when being stared at, since in the dog world, it can be part of an aggressive stance. Of all the dogs I’ve walked, only one basked in happiness with eye to eye contact. Many dogs will turn their heads away or yawn (a sign of anxiety in dogs at times) when you look into their eyes.
4
I think it's strange that so many people are using "I never played with dolls" as evidence that they never wanted children. I grew up with three sisters and none of us ever played with dolls. Occasionally we were given a baby doll or Barbie as a gift and after day one it sat untouched. Three of us ended up having kids, the fourth didn't.
But, perhaps, if those with insufficient joy over the prospect of having children do not have children and pass those genes along, those remaining, who are enthralled by having many children, may raise more children who are adored and wanted. Perhaps that's the happy conclusion about a future for humanity, if we can survive the cock-up of our environment. Oh, yeah, and the fact that the sperm "donors" may still be jerks who will tell a woman anything to dump their load but really don't like kids.
3
What you're saying makes lots of sense. I'm one of the baby-obsessed, and was not happy until I had my 2 kids.
BUT what I REALLY want to comment on is the doc who took out your cyst. What a supreme jerk! And a misogynist, to boot! UGH!
2
I believe that people must be free to choose their own lifestyle, and if a person chooses to live without children in their lives, that is their prerogative. I fact, I think it best that people who do not want children in their lives and who choose an active course of childlessness (by rigorous use of birth control or having themselves sterilized) are taking a much better course than people who do not want children but are forced by circumstance or happenstance to have them. It is better FOR THE CHILDREN.
Child-rearing is difficult, time consuming and very expensive. Child-rearing requires patient mindfulness and self-sacrifice, things that some people are incapable of. It is not a job for the self-centered, the self-indulgent, the selfish. It is not a job for the distracted, the careless or the thoughtless. It's a job that requires the ability to give unconditional love to another person. There are people incapable of these things. These people should remain childless.
The number one source of child abuse is a parent or caregiver who is unprepared, unwilling or unable to deal with an unwanted child. As a parent myself, I am happy that some people know enough about themselves and their inner nature that they have chosen not to have children.
3
@ElizabethMoore There are many mindful, caring, patient and unselfish people who choose not to have kids. There are also selfish people who choose to have kids.
17
There are many, many selfish parents, and I know many selfless people without kids. Whether or not one has a kid says nothing at all about character, and it is biased and inaccurate to conflate the two.
17
@Andrea Reese I never said that ALL childless people are lacking patience and caring. They are just lacking it when it comes to children. It is easy to put up with an adult who bugs you; you can ignore them, leave them, or throw them out of your life if you don't want to deal with their vagaries. You can't do that with a child. Parents are morally and legally obligated to stick with the job. Childless people who WANT to be childless are not obligated to stick to/with anyone. They can simply quit when the going gets rough.
Nevertheless, that is okay. People who can't/don't want to be "saddled" or "punished" with a child have the right not to be, and the children of the world are grateful for that.
Ah, the mystical " new baby smell".
I once inadvertantly insulted a new morher friend when I confessed that, to me, babies wmelled like a particularly unappealing combination of spoiled milk and poo.
Yuck. No thanks.
14
I got quite a few chuckles out of this. I too have never cared much for babies but do like my dogs' paws. I used to cringe when I worked in offices and the new mother would bring her new baby to the office for everyone to see...the inevitable "don't you want to hold her/him/it?" I'd always decline saying I was scared I would drop it...why in the world would I want to hold your baby? I have always kind of thought it was just part of being a lesbian...who knew?
5
The one time I thought I was pregnant I was horrified. I almost fainted with relief when I found that it was a false alarm and the experience confirmed to me that I really, really didn't want children. When people asked why I didn't have children, I didn't reply, "None of your business." I chose the more sad, "I couldn't." This was fifty years ago when you just didn't say, "I don't want them."
Last weekend, after a baby shower, the mother of the father-to-be asked me if I had children. I just said "No," which is fine these days.
She said, "No wonder you're so happy. Children suck the life out of you."
13
I'm 67. I decided at age five that I would never marry or have children. I looked objectively at motherhood and saw little to recommend it: it messes up your body, there's a lot of physical suffering connected with childbirth, and then there are the years and years when you have to be responsible for this strange person in your house. I consider myself and my potential offspring lucky that I never had kids, because I would make a lousy mother. On the other hand, I enjoy videos of babies, dogs, birds, cats...and when you put the babies together with the dogs, even better. Regarding the smell of babies, I must be missing that neuron, because when I think "babies" I smell only baby powder and baby poop, in no particular order.
Remove the religious and societal pressures on women to marry and be mothers, create a fair world where all women are free to earn a living, make birth control and abortion legal and ubiquitous, and remove all strictures against same-sex relationships, and then we'll see how many of us still crave motherhood. Sadly, that day is a long way off.
17
It's an interesting piece with a bizarre title and some muddled ideas. For one thing, the science of cuteness is not new. Stephen Jay Gould wrote about this in Natural History magazine in the 1970s and cited earlier work by Konrad Lorenz and even Darwin. Also, people can find babies (or otters, for that matter) cute and still have no desire to keep them around and care for them into ugly adulthood. Kittens are ridiculously cute, but I don't want to keep an animal in my house that poops and pees in a little box I'd have to make room for. And there's this: I became a father not because I think babies are cute (and smell good – two different things, by the way). It was much simpler than that: My girlfriend got pregnant. This still happens, no?
4
she managed that without any input from you huh?
3
It sure sounds that way, doesn't it? That happens a lot, apparently.
I've never had the slightest desire to have children, and like the author, found the idea of being pregnant/being a parent horrifying. Fortunately my husband feels the same, and now that we're in our later 50s we're happier than ever about our decision! I'm sure people who were meant to be parents are truly happy with their choice, hard as being a parent is, but I'm very very grateful that I had the choice to remain child-free. Cats are all the kids I need.
9
I wonder how much of the desire (or lack of desire) for children is biological and how much is reflective of the quality of our own upbringing. I have known since I was 14 that I did not want children (at 50, I have never changed my mind), and in fact have always felt physical revulsion at the sight of babies and young children. But is that because I don't have the right smell receptors, or because my own mother, grandmother, and great grandmother did not want children either, loathed the ones that their limited options pushed them into having, and were cold, distant, and abusive mothers?
I could certainly see how it might be a chicken-or-the-egg question, since not being physically wired to respond to babies could lead to being a resentful, distant parent, while growing up in such a home could lead to psychological trauma overriding any inborn desire for offspring. I don't know the answer, all I know is I chose to break the cycle. I'm curious if there are others out there who had wonderful, warm, loving upbringings but still didn't want kids.
13
A few thoughts:
1. I never particularly loved children, or being around them, until I had some of my own. They turned me into a Mom, and I'm endlessly glad they did. So maybe you're very sure you'll never want kids, and more power to you -- but not everyone can be so sure.
2. Yes, that doctor was a clueless lout. But there was still important information that he was trying, incompetently and in a very sexist way, to convey. If it had been a sympathetic female doctor, perhaps you would have heard the message better, namely, "If you are ever going to want children, for medical reasons, you shouldn't wait. You may not have all the time in the world."
3. I, too, remember that intoxicating "new baby" smell. But after reading this story, I begin to wonder if perhaps it is partly composed of pheromones specific to each baby's mother -- so that it will be intoxicating to her, but less so to anyone else. I suppose this could be tested, if anyone is interested.
4. Re: the smell on your pet's paws -- I remember reading somewhere that there are sweat glands on the pads of many mammals' feet, which is one reason they can be tracked whether by friend or foe.
8
No children and no regrets. I am perfectly happy to provide for myself and perfectly happy to provide for other people's children through taxes, public advocacy, and donations to groups helping children and families. You don't have to want children of your own to want the best for all children. And no one should be forced to have a child (Planned Parenthood!). That decision should be left to the individuals.
26
AnnaJoy,
That’s good because those children will eventually support you with their taxes.
1
Pagan Kennedy´s friend Mary, with her baby-smell-crazy genes, has given 9 people to the next generation of humanity. Pagan Kennedy, apparently without these genes, none. Of course cultural factors like women´s empowerment affect our future, but many people seem to think that natural selection just stopped ages ago and culture then took full command.
3
Nothing would be better for humanity than fewer people.
22
Dogs paws do not smell like corn chips! They smell like snickerdoodles.
2
“Childless” evokes a loss, while “child free” more accurately describes those of us who have chosen not to reproduce.
309
@Donna Turley
Eh... they can both be read as offensive, if you're looking to be offended. Child free implies parents are burdened by those awful children. Thank God I didn't make that mistake!
See?
In any event, people should stop bugging everyone else about their choices. And more importantly, people should stop feeling defensive about their chosen paths.
27
@Rhonda I agree. "Child-free" is very highly offensive to good parents. It is also offensive to people who want children but who cannot have any due to medical issues. People who have no children are not "free" of anything. They are simply childless.
Life as a parent for me was not a crystal stair. My husband did not want children at first, so he wasn't very supportive when I told him I was pregnant. For the prenatal period, right on up to the c-section, I was pretty much on my own. Then our daughter was born prematurely, and he stepped up to the plate as a father. Through the years, through all of the childhood illnesses, the school years (when our daughter excelled as an athlete in swimming, gymnastics and even figure skating), we stuck together and stuck with her through the laughter, the tears in the "kiss and cries", and the expense. Now she is a fine young woman, smart, with two baccalaureate degrees and who is working toward a masters. My daughter has never been a burden or a deficit to me. She is the light of my life and the joy of my heart. I wouldn't trade her for anything, and I would gladly do it all over again.
And, I have a dog that I love (last of a series of dearly loved animals that have shared my home and my life. HOWEVER, my daughter is worth MORE than any dog or cat in the world.
8
@Donna Turley Perhaps it is because I am old (62) and come from a different generation, but I find this focus on how to address individuals relative to their status so as not to offend a colossal waste of energy and psychologically unhealthy. My wife and I don't have kids. We didn't want any. I could care less whether people say we are "childless", "child free" (I have to snicker at the term for some reason, as it sounds like sugar free or gluten free), or "pet rich" (we are all three). Life is difficult enough without constantly having to figure out the way to address someone so they don't take offense. If I describe someone in a manner they don't care for, they can just tell me how they want to be described and we can go from there--or not go from there. Can we all just get over our victim-hood? We live in a country where you can get a steak, or a veggie burger, and ice cream, at any time of the day or night. Gasoline is only $3 a gallon. How great is that?
27
If you discover that sniffing babies will get you blissfully high, and you then proceed to have nine of them... well. I’m no neuroscientist, but “addiction” was certainly the first word that came to mind. Researchers, get to work.
8
When people ask the child-free why we don't have children, we should ask them why they do.
239
@Ellen
Or better yet, people can stop asking others about their personal choices, period.
34
@Ellen
If you have to ask, you will never understand the answer - to either question.
12
I’m going to share that witty line with my 30s childless friends. They can use it on their colleagues and mothers. We never question convention Iike it’s some sacred thing when convention is just something forged by mass behavior over a long time.
Thank you.
16
I guess I was hoping for a little more about The Science of Cuteness and a little less about The Science of the Author Justifying Her Life Choices. Not a bad article, just not what it says on the tin.
11
Human beings are biological DNA genetic evolutionary fit African primate apes who appeared 300 000+ years ago.
By nature and nurture humans are compelled to crave fat, salt, sugar. habitat, water, kin and sex by any means necessary.including conflict and cooperation.
There are only two naturally procreative biological human genders. And until the advent of DNA genetic testing paternity unlike maternity was always in doubt. In addition to the mammary glands that define humans as mammals there are female ovaries,uterus and vagina. Physical realities that necessarily make females more cautiously selective in their choice of mates.
What physical characteristics define infant " cuteness" are trivial in comparison to those that define adult procreative sexually attractive beauty. Calling this "science" is a huge intellectual stretch. Those humans who do not seek to procreate and those who can't aka LGBTQ will always be a minority. There are 7.3 billion and growing humans on Earth.
1
My teenaged son gets very embarrassed when I want to smell babies' heads. They do smell delicious. I was in a cafe recently and there was a mom with a beautiful baby across from me. When I was leaving I commented on her beautiful child. She offered to let me hold him. Oh the joy! I took a big whiff & went home to tell my son. Now he worries I will randomly grab babies in public to smell them. I won't, but I want to!
5
I am a father, not a mother. This is Norm speaking, Susan's husband.
Years ago, when our two kids were small--I stayed at home and took care of them. My wife (now retired--we are both retired) was a corporate scientist. She was out much of the day.
The kids grew up. I took a job teaching.
And--for years now--I feel a slight pang when I see very young children. Ten years ago, I sat next to a young lady dandling an infant--we were both flying somewhere--
--and (deep down) I was jealous. I missed those happy days of playing with my own kids--teasing them--loving them--reading things to them--putting them to bed.
But I wouldn't change them now. Of course not. They grew up. They were MEANT to grow up. And all four of us--we love each other dearly. That's what a family is. That's what a family does.
But it was far better, Ms. Kennedy, that you NOT have kids--NOT be saddled with those clamorous little bundles of joy and sorrow and pain and want. We're all different. Unimaginably different.
So-thanks for your article. I wish you joy in the life you have chosen. And, of course--
--it's better to CHOOSE one's life rather than have a life thrust upon one. Don't you think?
I do.
In spades.
418
@Susan Fitzwater
All the evidence that we have is there is no such thing as "CHOOSE.". The verb is a misnomer. There are no decisions - only physical activity.
.
The activity is certainly complex, which why we are often confused about the its consequequences.
6
Well, Norm, you must have been a very good dad. The joy you have taken in your children, and still do, sounds a lot like my own father's.
42
@Susan Fitzwater
My daughter once pointed out that babies are like crack cocaine to women in their sixties. Apparently that can apply to some men, too!
4
I question some of the author's premises. In my life, it has not been at all unusual for a woman not to want children, nor weird to say so without hesitation. I wonder at her circle of acquaintance if she feels so isolated and unable to say how she feel sout loud.
3
For humanity’s sake, maybe humans should reduce our footprint?
Be fruitful, and reduce. Replace perhaps. But dint multiply.
8
Pray that more people start to feel this way and act on it. It's almost too late. Will we die of starvation and heat or will the population finally crash and save humanity?
5
Not a pet person but I love zoos. Had virtually no exposure to babies but always knew that I wanted them. Only had one, sometimes life happens, but no baby was ever loved as much ever. And it didn’t end there. Love my adult kid and my grands with every fiber of my being.
However no one who doesn’t want kids should have them because of pressure. And collecting kids like some Hollywood folks is absurd.
1
I believe that my motivation in choosing a husband was based on my strong desire to be a mother, which I still enjoy with children in their 40s, but I love your writing and enjoy and understand the life you have happily chosen! Thank you!
3
In the mid-70's, shortly after puberty, I determined that I did not want to have children. I made no bones about this decision. I was told "you'll change your mind." I was told "it's different when it's your own baby." I was told "if you don't have a child/children, you'll regret it."
As my childbearing years are coming to an end, I haven't changed my mind. It may have been different if I held my own child, but couldn't take the chance that it might not have. And I have not had a moment of regret with my decision not to procreate. Happily, my husband feels the same, and we didn't have to deal with too much pressure from our parents on our decision (some from his Dad, none from my Mom).
14
@Laura in NJ
Yeah, I heard all the same patronizing garbage, like "it's different when it's your own." My response was always "It wasn't for my mother, so why do you assume it will be for me?"
4
I had my tubes tied 43 years ago when I was 26. The "rule" at the time was a woman could not be sterilized if she was under 30 and had never had children, so it wasn't easy. But I have always considered it the best decision I have ever made. Years later, I told my ex-husband, who by then had remarried and had two great kids, that I was glad we had divorced, because the world would have been deprived of a really good father.
I think that society programs us to have children unless we really don't want to. It should be the other way around. No one should have children unless they really want to. We'd have a lower birth rate, fewer people and much happier kids.
I was perfectly open about my decision, to the point that no one ever bothered to try to lay a guilt trip on me, not my parents, nor my ex, who knew how I felt before he married me. We're still best friends, by the way.
Several years after I had the surgery, I read an article in a magazine that said the urge to give birth that would hit ALL women at some point. Wrote a letter to the editor and blasted them.
And yes, I love dogs. I can't imagine life without them. They're not my "furbabies," they're dogs. I wouldn't have them any other way. Unconditional love and loyalty.
For any woman who knows she doesn't want kids and is afraid to say so, stand up, speak out. It's worth it.
16
Every child should grow up knowing a happy, childless adult like the author. Seeing satisfied childless people helped me know I wanted kids - and that I needed to make personal and career decisions with that future in mind.
In contrast, I had friends who assumed kids and marriage were the default.
Some felt pressured about their own indifference and struggled to reconcile their disinterest with other people's expectations.
Others assumed kids, and assumed kids would slot into whatever life they built. They found themselves scrambling to readjust when the unstoppable force of parenting hit the unmovable mountain of their previous lifestyle.
4
Here’s a possible clue, The Emotional Effects of Hyperprolactemia.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9667060
I do not have children. I never wanted children. I do not like the smell of children and babies look like larvae to me, shapeless, squirming, ejecting foul effluvia from both ends and screaming. I love cats and I love dogs but children hold no sway over me whatsoever. To those who insist that it is different if they are your own, maybe that's the way it was for you. Do not put your values and anecdotal experiences on the rest of us. Or ask us to hold your babies.
186
Fair point. However, this is not the same as the people that pressure or shame you to have children. The impulse to share what we love and care about or find adorable extends to almost all pet owners I know. I choose not to see this as an imposition but rather an expression of self (look through social media profile pics).
6
@Mark This is interesting because I get the sense that your extreme reaction is much more conscious than the reaction the author is talking about. You seem to have made the choice that you are going to feel the way you do about children because of your own anecdotal experience. That's fine, but while the author talks about cuteness overload being an innate desire, your post conjures something more willfully antisocial. And please, don't worry. I don't think many people are going to ask you to hold their children.
23
@Mark
I agree with you 100%. I would say exactly the same.
16
There are things about this subject - the cuteness aggression -- that have nothing to do with wanting or not wanting to parent. I live alongside several feral cats, a few of which I have known since they were kittens, and have a good relationship with them, meaning they are part-time house cats, can be picked up and petted, will sit in my lap. I have noticed by interacting with them that close contact produces two urges: (1) the cat, being stimulated by affection, wants to grab me with its front paws, kick with its rear paws, and wrestle; (2) I, on the other hand, being stimulated by affection, want to hug it. I am the wrong size animal to be able to wrestle with my cat, and am not covered with protective fur. The cat is not conditioned to want to be squeezed. Over the years we have worked this out, and the cats don't attempt to wrestle with me, nor do I attempt to give them hugs.
I think the urge to do something physical when stimulated by affection is natural. It can become pathological depending on the situation and on sensitivity -- or not -- of the creatures involved. I think there is a lot more study to be done on the whole subject.
9
She came into our marriage with a Jack Russel. Soon I joined her parenting him. In time I felt jealous that he got more attention than me. But he was so cute. I later buried him out back under the crab apple tree. We grieved like parents. It later became clear she would never want to bear her own baby, with me or anyone else. We didn't get another dog. I thought I wanted children, but we remained together for years after it was understood she didn't, so I realize I didn't really either. Meanwhile, a stray cat arrived at our home about four years ago and could not be persuaded to leave. I was soon feeding him. My in-laws, and then my wife in close succession, moved out the following year, or thereabouts. Just me and the cat now. Bought a heated cathouse because he refused to come inside. Took half a year before he would allow himself to be touched. Soon thereafter he leapt into my lap and I could hug him to me. I started rubbing my face in his fur, telling him how I just wanted to "eat him all up", all while wondering in amazement how he could smell so wonderful, be such a good boy, etc. Sometimes this made me feel foolish, but I didn't care. Even though I told myself over the years that I wanted to be a father, it's been two years now with just me and the cat around and I've made no moves to change the situation. I embrace childlessness, yet still I yearn. This article has given me much food for thought in helping to understand some of my perplexing behaviors. Thank you.
28
@Gowan McAvity
Thank you for the sublime chuckle.
1
For years we've heard of the problems associated with population growth. (And while some of the more dire predictions haven't materialized—yet—there is no environmental problem made better by an increased population.)
Now we're hearing that declining populations are a problem.
Something is wrong with this picture.
18
@MJ I agree. There is great concern that there won't be enough young people around to care for the elderly, but there is also great concern that automation is taking jobs away from people. What's needed is a different way of looking at the economy and at where excess capital goes. We need to take pressure off the planet, its living and mineral resources. I'm so glad we women are empowering ourselves.
8
Something is indeed wrong with his picture. Overpopulation is at the root of a great many problems, and yet in some countries women will be killed for asking for birth control. In this country, USA, the rights of women to control their own bodies are being increasingly assaulted. We can either have a world like China used to be, forcing people to have only one child, or we can give women control over their own bodies and not punish them if they don't choose to bear children.
6
@MJ
Its a macro, micro thing.
1
I read your article with glee. I grew up in the 60's when over-population was a prescient issue. I took it to heart. And, I never wanted children period, end of story. When I listen to people talking about their babies I think immediately of our planet - and how much more it can assume.
12
I never thought about having a baby when I was young, and I certainly never looked at babies in carriages (or puppies) and experienced any desire to hold them or smell them. But then I had my own and everything changed. The love that immediately welled up in my entire body and from my spirit was overwhelming and true. I ended up having four and could have had more, had financial realities not intervened. Now they have become loving parents themselves, so I have the joy all over again. (P.S. I also had a career, as do all my children, husbands and wives.)
3
Quote: Still, around the world, women are quietly opting out. Nearly half of the world’s countries now have fertility rates below the level needed to maintain their population size. In the United States, births are at their lowest level in 30 years, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The authors of a new book, “Empty Planet,” are going so far as to warn that the world population will start dropping by midcentury. “Once that decline begins,” they write, “it will never end.”
Warning? This should be celebrated in the age of climate change!
19
@Rhiannon It seems a foolish prediction, anyway. At any point in the future, people could choose to have babies at greater than replacement numbers, and then surely the population would stop decline, no?
1
dogless,
That would have to be precipitated by a huge cultural shift. A bunch of countries with declining populations are trying to incentivize parenthood, but the people aren’t biting.
2
I’m an environmentalist with one child, desperately wanting another (but by no means more than two total!). I’m so glad there are people out there like the author to balance people like me out! Thank you for listening to your gut.
7
Ms. Kennedy...those feelings of anti-motherhood will indeed shape the future of humanity.
Hopefully, and for posterity's sake, it will continue to be a small number of women who don't like puppies, fresh-baked bread and babies.
4
This piece baffles me. I have always assumed that some folks want children and some folks don’t want children. The reaction of the writer and so many commenters that they needed some kind of liberation from their secret lack of desire to reproduce seems strange and frankly like a made-up grievance. Have kids. Don’t have kids. Trust me. Nobody care.
11
@Ben, Many women feel intense pressure from family and friends to have kids. This can lead to a lot of stress and guilt that you don’t understand. Why would you call someone else’s narrative of their own experience “made up”?
7
@Andrea Reese
"...someone else's narrative" isn't what I believe is "made up". What's "made up" is the sense of grievance. What person would allow family or friends to succeed in imposing pressure, stress or guilt over the clearly personal choice to have children ,and then complain about it later?
And don't play the sexist card. Busybodies try to impose their will on men all the time. Med school! Marriage! Children! You either stand up for yourself or you don't, and if you don't that's on you.
...and in the final analysis in my experience while some control-happy people while be pleased to tell you how to live your life, it is absolutely true that "Nobody. Really. Cares." what you do. , with or without kids, live your life. IMHO. Be well.
2
Suggest she find a copy of “The Female Brain” that explains how the hormone oxytocin. The amount varies from person to person. Women tend to have greater responses to the hormone. Men are much less sensitive. Oxytocin goes to the the brain and releases endorphins, a happiness hormone. In women in general release oxytocin when they are touched, have sex, view a baby, at child birth, and while nursing. The author likely has a low response when compared to the average women. Men, hug your women many times each day.
5
I have never wanted children. I never liked dolls and the thought of getting pregnant is just gross to me. But I don’t like be labeled or told that I’m an other. Please. I’m just another person who doesn’t want to be a mom. Labeling it as some kind of gender is just insulting.
11
Don't want to have kids? Great! Please don't! And if the population starts declining worldwide soon, more great! it will be the easiest possible fix to our climate problems.
11
I’ve always wanted children more than anything, but still don’t get to make any decisions about it, because I’m a man. So should I just go ahead and assume that NOT having children is a new myth invented by the matriarchy to keep men down?
3
As a non breeder, who knows mostly other non breeders, nothing makes for baby apathy more than a lousy childhood. Alcoholism, abuse, neglect, bullying, etc. Pets are predictable and can be trusted. And they do smell good. Humans, not so much.
18
I totally appreciate how personal this issue is for women. But the way the author framed it in terms of “identity,” specifically coopting the language of gay rights, is profoundly insulting.
> So I “came out” to everyone. My boyfriend — who wanted to be a father — dumped me. My mother screamed at me, then mourned. And some friends grew distant.
‘Coming out’ and rejection. Her mother “mourned.” So did mine, except mine mourned the ‘loss’ of her actual son. And friends “grew distant”? Really?
> We’ve become used to thinking about sexual desire on a spectrum — from heterosexual to homosexual, with lots of people falling somewhere in between. Might there be a reproductive-desire spectrum too?
This is a myth based on Kinsey’s unscientific research taken up by critical theorists and well-meaning liberals trying to express solidarity with gays.
> “It’s just who I am... From the time that I can remember, I was given baby dolls and I refused to play with them.” The writer added that she had always felt “that I am just not supposed to be someone’s mom” and compared that feeling to “being gay or transgender.”
It’s hard to believe this isn’t satirical. It’s like the Reddit user is reading from a script about gay childhood. She yearns for a marginalized ‘identity’ and the perceived status it confers in social justice circles.
Leftists, especially younger ones, are applying this narrative to everything. It’s not only offensive; it’s the epitome of identity politics run amok.
7
"“I have zero desire for kids,” I said. It was in that moment that I knew for sure that I’d always felt this way and always would."
You probably are one of the lucky ones. I have children. I would literally die for them. Now my ever waking nightmare is the realization that they will live and die in the midst of a planetary crisis as our biosphere disintegrates. I have no views on those who choose not to be parents, but in the world that is coming, I envy rather than pity the childless.
8
I hope the first doctor who spoke of cleaning out! was reported and rankly removed from working with human beings. Major surgery is not something to be spoken of in such an insulting manner. I know it is a cliche but recently I too have experienced surgeons who were rude and dismissive - they need to either test students before letting them into the surgical arena, or train them routinely about courtesy.
12
Thanks for this article. It needed to be written. I hope more research goes into this. I feel less of a weirdo preferring puppies over babies.
5
I’m in my mid thirties with no desire to have children. Occasionally if I’m at target walking by the children’s clothes I think about my child-bearing window closing, but it doesn’t come with an innate desire to have babies. I feel more for my mom that I won’t make her a grandmother, but she seems okay with that. I do have a cute white fluff ball of a dog at home. He does seem to enjoy my aggressive belly rubs.
7
I don't have children and don't want children. I have a 17 year old American Short hair cat He is orange and the bottom of his feet are pink. I just love his pink feet and toes. I love to tickle them. Fortunately for me he doesn't mind and puts up with my nonsense. I wonder what researchers would think about that.
8
Some of my best friends are child free. I am too. When I learned that my future husband had had a vasectomy, I was grateful. We are living happily ever after. I do love my step children, but hardly wanted to eat them, nor sniff their pets. I'm an ogre.
7
The idea of smelling the paws of a dog makes me want to throw up, actually. Interesting how differently we are all wired up.
4
@Syliva With all the many senior dogs I've adopted since 1996, I have never wanted to smell their feet. Yow! I know where they've been!
Concur with those who think babies smell like poop and sour milk, the few times I've gotten close enough to notice.
2
@Ilene Bilenky The only babies that smell like sour milk and poop are the ones that have been illegally neglected and are victims of child abuse.
So if you ever smell that odor on any baby, you need to call Child Protective Services.
1
Great psychological analysis, and one that really helps to explain some of my friends who are ambivalent about my kids but sickeningly adore their cats. But I have to call out the strange use of this conclusory excerpt from Empty Planet:
“Once [fertility rate] decline begins,” they write, “it will never end.”
That's a very odd statement that goes against biological repopulation models (see for an easy example the repopulation of the bald eagle), not to mention common sense regarding human incubation periods. If push really came to shove, our species can simply begin procreating en masse again starting at 13, with an average of 5 babies per mother, max of approximately 17. In 13 years, then 14, then 15 years, that cycle will repeat itself. In 18 years, a population of 1,000 will increase to 3,500 fertile humans and about 6,250 non-fertile human children (1k + 2.5k + [2.5k/2]*5).
That's a loose model, obviously, but my point is:
Fertility rates don't have their true foundation in social norms, but in biology. They're fixable, in the same way that small populations of humans began to populate the Earth tens of thousands of years ago: have lots of sex, as soon as you can.
To loop this back around to the author's personal story, we could probably use to decrease our fertility rates for a while to get back to a more sustainable population size. I have always wondered if men and women like the author are responding to instinctual triggers regarding high population size.
8
This is two articles; one a first-person rant, and the second, scientific information.
3
All these baby experts who aren’t parents... interesting.
9
I can't help but think how selfish it is to have a child, especially in this day and age. Why would you bring a child up in a world like this other than to perpetuate your own need to parent?
11
This is an important area of social science study. If there is some mechanism within the mass of humanity that guides its population growth including naturally limiting factors, society needs to know.
As I understand it, conservative thought, from Malthus on, was that mankind, like a colony of rats or rodents, will populate to the point of gross over-population with the inevitable result being a horrific dog-eat-dog scene - the big killing.
If, on the other hand, there is a naturally rational social/political/spiritual/sexual response to over-population that results in a declining birth rate and an ultimately stable world population, then we don't have to conjure wars, famine and a nuclear holocaust to address the issue.
I mean if the rise of LGBQT life-styles coupled with the affirmative choice to avoid becoming a parent by members of both sexes, will bring us to sustainability; hallelujah. If such cultural blossoms are part of the larger plan that many ascribe to and describe as religious in origin, then the true test if faith is acceptance of diversity in ones sexual life.
Said differently, maybe all the cultural changes are happening just as they are supposed to and if there is conflict or concern, it is because too many have closed their eyes to the light.
4
I was your typical emotionally detached cold-hearted male.
Then I came across a cat sanctuary in Burma, opened my heart, got two cats of my own, further spiraled into cute aggression mania, realized I'd totally dig having a baby around despite the likelihood of ecological disaster or nuclear annihilation or at the very least end of democratic government in its lifetime (and mine) and now have a baby on the way in about 3 weeks.
I smell my cats every morning and every night. Look forward to smelling the baby too.
130
@PB And how does that cat box smell every morning and every night? Sorry, but any sentence that has "cats" and "smell" in it is just begging for that question, lol!
1
@PB. ‘...and now have a baby on the way in about 3 weeks.’
For some reason I imagined a baby being sent parcel post from overseas...
2
As cute as puppy bellies are, they're no match for that tiny little hand that reaches out and squeezes your finger for the first time. It's like the big bang for your very soul. The universe suddenly seems to make a little more sense, somehow. I doubt science will never solve that unfathomable mystery.
118
@John
I really feel your awe and amazement, and think perhaps you should consider using "I" statements. It's YOUR experience of a big bang and everything making a little more sense, not everyone's. Maybe the puppy's belly has the same effect on others. We (I) have no way of telling.
23
@John | "they're no match for that tiny little hand that reaches out and squeezes your finger for the first time"
That's a wonderful way of putting it, John!
7
1000 percent. I can easily tear up when I hold, smell, kiss a puppy, but nothing compares to the what I felt and still feel when I see my son. I can I only imagine the waterworks when he goes off to college in the fall.
7
An important piece to read in connection with this is Mary Gaitskil's "A Woman's Prerogative" about not wanting to be a mother. It was roundly rejected by magazines (Harper's, The Atlantic, I believe) until Elle published it in 1999. The letters to the magazine in response by many reader's vilified her for her choice. (Though in later years Gaitskill did in fact become a mother to two foster children, doesn't negate the substance of this essay.)
Here's a link to a bit of the piece-- https://bit.ly/2Hm2Mh9
2
Many people who never wanted kids and were forced to have them, love those kids.
This has been used as excuse to justify all sorts of abusive social behavior.
Somehow the fact of loving a child they never wanted means they always wanted it?
4
count me among the "never wanted to have children." i am the oldest of 8 children and made up my mind very young that i never wanted to marry and/or have children. my dad took this as a personal affront. but i explained, i just wanted to be me... i am not a cold or unemotional person. i love my siblings, and all their progeny and definitely have favorites among the nieces and nephews (the smart, funny ones). i helped to raise two of them and it gave me great satisfaction. but even early on, the thought of being pregnant made me as physically sick as any morning sickness. i took great care never to be off birth control. and being present as my sisters gave birth just reinforced the whole thing. i am a contented, single, doting aunt. do i ever wonder what it would have been like to marry and have children of my own. sure. but i quickly know i have only this life, and i made the right decision.
9
Imagine a planet of 2 billion instead of 7.5 billions. Maybe in a world of 2 billions the lack of want will encourage people to have the desired 2.1 children. Instead of fearing a drop in fertility we should embrace it. It is a fallacy that population growth provides economic growth. I suspect we passed the inflection point on the more people more economic growth curve decades ago.
10
Why is a declining (even severely declining) population a bad thing? I think lacking the need-for-a-baby gene is just nature's way of birth control. I never wanted kids growing up, but pivoted almost overnight in my early 30s (when I met the right mate) and so I'm glad I never took steps that would have prevented it. But to all the judgey types out there (and in abundance) - leave the childless by choice alone. They're some of the most nurturing people I know - and why is their choice your business?
17
This is such a wonderful excursus; open and refreshing and, of course, revelatory. Your title and an example use the phrase, "I want to eat you up,' which reminds me of a Terry Gross interview on "Fresh Air" some years ago with the writer Maurice Sendak, who wrote "Where the Wild Things Are" among many other books. She asked him who the Wild Things were, and he explained that his mother had been a wonderful cook, and very often when he was a child his adult relatives would come over for meals. He said they often would pinch his cheek and say to him, 'You look so sweet that I want to eat you up.' This terrified him, for he thought that if his mother ever stopped cooking that his relatives might, in fact, eat him! They were the Wild Things!
6
I think it is wonderful that some woman do not want to have kids, and I think it is so silly of some people who made the choice to have children who are not so supportive of those deciding to skip kids. First of all what business is it of theirs? I do have a son, and honestly I think it may be that parents of young children are the ones who feel left out and need to feel vindicated by everyone having children. It is a rough life if you are a hands on parent, even if you have lots of money, the buck always stops with the parents.
And hey I love cuteness too and have three of the cutest cats and would have cute dogs too but my lease does not allow.
3
I have one adult daughter, who was born in 1979. I so loved that little baby and wanted to have a second one. It was the most incredible experience to nurture and love a baby. Alas, we couldn't conceive a second baby due to infertility issues, which we discovered two years after our daughter was born. Back then IVF was experimental and neither of us wanted to invest the emotional energy into trying to adopt so we raised an only child. It was very painful (and still is) not to have had that have second baby and having to watch my friends and family complete their families and trying to be happy for them while crying inside. I know this is only a life disappointment and not a tragedy but even at the age of 63 I still grieve.
9
It's problematic that we need to create a medical "condition" for a woman that doesn't want to have children. It can't just be she would rather enjoy her life without that pressure? When a man doesn't want to have children, it's never a pathological concern. He was busy working on his "career", or didn't find the right person. A panoply of excuses will be put forth. Maybe if a few more women decided not to, they would be in the position of the surgeon. You can't raise a child, and complete a surgical residency. I feel women are encouraged to pursue the former. I fully support your right to live life on your terms.
12
@Randeep Chauhan the medical condition listed was fear of pregnancy. There are plenty of women who very much want children but have a strong fear of either pregnancy or childbirth. Personally, I think that is a well founded fear (as someone who loves being a mom but only survived my first birth because of attentive medical providers).
Not wanting children and fearing pregnancy are different things (even if they are conflated here). Not wanting children may trigger a justified fear pregnancy. But so can the realities of pregnancy and childbirth even for someone who craves kids.
8
@Randeep Chauhan, I didn't get from the article that it's an effort at patholigizing those of us who don't desire children. It is a fact that for some people the desire for a baby and the powerful urge to cuddle and nuzzle them is an overpowering and visceral sensation completely absent in people like me.
Pathology implies a diseased state, whereas I don't infer a genetic component to this as an insult. Not too long ago the media were reporting how a potential romantic partner's boy someone's body odor may indicate genetic compatibility. https://www.nytimes.com/2002/01/22/science/scent-of-a-man-is-linked-to-a-woman-s-selection.html
@AC
Is there a term for men who are afraid to be fathers because they aren't sure if they will be "good enough"? Asking for a friend.
41
In the 1950’s, I was adopted by a couple from a Catholic agency that didn’t do its research on the couple. My adoptive father wanted children; my adoptive mother didn’t and had what, we would come to know as a “nervous breakdown” and wouldn’t care for a newborn. Fortunately, a large, loving, extended family cared for me up until the time I left home. Reading this piece reminded me of the consequences of “forced” parenthood.
9
"The authors of a new book, 'Empty Planet,' are going so far as to warn that the world population will start dropping by midcentury." It's impossible for me to understand why this is a problem. (As I typed that, CBS showed a news item about coral reefs dying.) But maybe it's not surprising that I announced to my parents, around when I was 8 years old, that I never wanted kids. 50 years later I don't regret that decision.
7
When my childhood friend and I were about 10 years old we told our mothers that we didn't want to have children and were told that we'd change our minds. Now that we're both past child-bearing age and childless, they may believe us.
7
I'm pleased by the lack of negative comments on this article - I hope there weren't a lot that got filtered.
Another happily childfree woman chiming in - I always knew I didn't want kids, and was always honest about it. At my first job, everyone (my age and younger) had one or two kids and couldn't believe I didn't "have a family". (My parents and partner didn't count.) They griped about their kids all day, then demanded to know why I didn't have any. It was as if I'd gotten away with something, and they were paying the price.
My parents were supportive - my mom said "Well, motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be" - which I appreciate very much, and I've been lucky to have always found partners who shared my lack of interest in kids.
Thanks, Ms Kennedy. I've enjoyed your writing for years.
10
I'm 80 years old and I experience baby lust every time I see a baby. Always have. I just want to pick them up and hold them and yes, smell them. Although this article doesn't touch upon the mothering instinct, I suspect that women who don't want children lack the mothering instinct. This is not a criticism. I admire women who admit that they don't want to have children. Having children when you don't want them can wreak havoc on their psychological development.
18
@Nicole
Do people who don't want children lack the parenting instinct? Sounds harsh when you say it, but maybe the answer really is in the DNA. We know that whether you love brocolli or hate it is determined by the taste bud receptors you inherit. Or perhaps it's like handedness or sexual orientation, not a matter of choice but simply an element of who you are.
The scientific word for it is "neoteny". It is a process where a baby face triggers a secretion of the hormone oxytocin which in turn evokes a desire to attach to and nurture a baby offspring across species. It explains why a wolf pack will care and nurture an abandoned human baby or a why a coyote mother will care for a fawn. It’s nature’s way to help a species to survive. It also explains the evolutionary process of gracilization whereby the human face became smaller, less bony and less protrusive to signal friendliness between human groups at initial contact to reduce the possibility of conflict. It also explains why some pets have been bred to look more human
9
@Anam Cara I believe Neoteny is the retention of juvenile characteristic into adulthood.
3
I can relate to "cute-aggression". Sometimes I grit my teeth when I hold my daughter or interact with my pets. It happens subconsciously and I never knew what to make of it.
I can also empathize with the author's lack of interest in having children. I never had baby longing or strong desire to hop on the parenthood train. However, I am so glad I finally came to that choice. Let's hope society begins accepting that it's a very weighty decision. And I found the idea "once that decline begins...it will never end" ridiculous.
6
I have no desire to create a Mini Me or a Better Me. I don't need a baby to complete me. Maybe it's in my genes. Maybe it's an intellectual decision. Maybe it's both. But I'm not apologizing for it.
12
I’m so happy to read that others also find their dogs’ paws smell like corn chips.
12
Thank you for this wonderfully humorous and informative article. I, myself, suffer from a weird condition that I can only describe as “obsessive cuteness disorder” where I find most things, whether alive or inanimate, to be impossibly adorable. This is not as benign a matter as would appear, as this urge has gotten me into a world of trouble when unable to resist the urge to address even old men and tattooed feminists with babytalk. I do have three children, and, thankfully, the older teenage boys have grown inured to my addressing them with “googoo-gaga” but, unfortunately, do cringe when this babble occurs in the company of their peers. In my defense, the pathology does not appear to be species or even molecularly specific, extending even to my hollering coochy-poochy into the vastness of the Universe in recognition of the naughty shenannigans of exploding stars, supernovae, and-don’t get me started- black holes. So while I very much appreciate the author attacking the issue from a psychological perspective, I would be very interested in a metaphysical take on the issue. Does this instinct that appears embedded in all living things as a necessity to ensure species propagation actually emanate from the very fabric of the Universe? Among all the attributes assigned to God by philosophers, can we also describe Him as cute?
5
I believe that all life forms exist on our planet for only one reason: to reproduce their DNA. And they will continue to do so until they saturate the environment to extinction. You can drive your hybrid car and recycle all your consumption, but, until we get population under control, the future is bleak. Humans are the kudzu of the Earth.
11
I will admit to having been baffled by friends who were baby-crazy. I have never once woken up and thought "Wow, I wish I had kids."
7
The better half and I had the same family reaction you did Ms. Kennedy, when we said our one son was enough.
I had the vasectomy done at our Planned Parenthood.
No second thoughts ever since.
By the by...the spontaneity and ease of intimacy relations was/is totally worth it.
Support your local Planned Parenthood.
21
We have finally evolved to allow people to choose their reproductive futures. Hurrah! As in careers, one size does not fit all. We just need to hold on to this hard won right without demonizing others.!!
14
I think it’s very simple, people who don’t want kids or pets should avoid having kids and pets. Sure, you deny them a home. But you’re saving them from a bad home.
8
Given the varying comments on who is a baby sniffer and who is not, read the novel "This Perfect Day" by Ira Levin. A giant computer decides who the baby sniffers will be and separates them out from non-baby sniffers. It is a fascinating look at what a completely controlled and perfect human environment looks like - climate change and all.
1
I'm not sure that people without kids can understand the intoxicating scent of a baby. I know that before I had babies I never detected any such scent, but with my own babies it was definitely there. I think maybe it's pheromonal, so you can only smell your own in that way. Either way, there is a reason why parents carrying around babies are constantly smooching and huffing them. Hey, there is a flower called Baby's Breath for a reason.
7
I imagine in a few generations, after everyone has parents and grandparents that were biologically wired to want to be parents, natural selection will leave us all domestically minded.
Birth control is kind of a cool experiment in behavioral evolution.
1
Brad,
By domestically minded do you mean inclined to have a family? If there’s a genetic predisposition—I’m skeptical—then only the people who want children will reproduce.
Is this so complicated or just hormones, hormones, hormones? I wonder if transgender women feel any differently about babies when taking huge amounts of estrogen, progesterone, and the like? When my kid was a rather adorable (and lovely smelling) baby, 99 out of 100 people who would stop us to coo, were women.
1
Perhaps. But then you have to ask why some women who don’t want children were also girls who didn’t play with dolls. The hormones you speak of develop after puberty, so what about the connection between women who have always wanted children (since they were kids themselves) and those who don’t want kids (since they were kids themselves)?
5
“The authors of a new book, “Empty Planet,” are going so far as to warn that the world population will start dropping by midcentury.”
With our planet currently groaning under the weight of 7.5 billion people, how is a dropping population a bad thing? There are simply too many humans consuming limited resources and polluting the only home we have. Other species are disappearing. Trash is piling up in our oceans and clogging our rivers. Fire season is continuous. “Snownadoes” are a real thing. The climate is changing – and not for the better. And it's all because of us.
Perhaps the perception of cuteness that may or may not include human infants is a natural population curb. Children devour parental energy and demand an entire adult support system of relatives to thrive and survive to adulthood. What if those adult resources could be put to better use? Why should someone else's idea of “cute” pressure a woman into having children she may not desperately want and cannot care for?
The best thing humanity has ever done for itself is develop reliable birth control that gives women the power to determine their reproductive abilities.
There is nothing “cute” about an overpopulated world.
12
I thought I was the only one whose dog had 'corn chip' paws and the only one who sniffed them while cuddling said dog. His cuteness is so overwhelming I have been approached dozens of times over the years by strangers who wish to take his picture. It's those big black eyes and floppy ears, his perfect posture, his jaunty gait.
He loves the snow and rolls in it in a way that makes me wish I were a cartoonist. He rolls, pops up - ears up, tail nub up, and then stands utterly still for a moment while the world spins (I think). He will do this over and over again for many minutes and I would wait hours if he continued - the cuteness of the performance sometimes makes me tear up. The other day, a man - a stranger - walked up while the performance was in progress and said, "How can you stand it? How do you ever discipline your dog? He's too cute to discipline."
This cute dog's cuteness is so overwhelming I've come to the point of telling every neighbor and friend that they are his favorite person. Why? Because his power over them makes them feel like they must be 'the chosen' -- each needs to hear it from me. I feel if I tell them he is equally affectionate and attentive to everyone, it would be an unnecessary hurt.
Isn't this absurd? The sheer amount of - the depth of affection created by a less-than-20lb dog of no particular breed could power ships. His cuteness could change the minds of world leaders; it could be defense counsel at a trial.
7
I’ve just turned 60 and still have people tell me I can be a parent (“it’s never too late!!”) if I meet and marry someone with children and (bonus!) who are also parents—a step-grandma. I am very contented to be surrounded by cats and dogs and appreciate my designation by nieces and nephew as world’s coolest aunt. My mother reports that as a child I always played house with dolls and animals I’d “adopted”.
4
Dog paws smell like Fritos because of a bacteria btw. Completely normal/fine, but she's not imagining the smell because of how cute it is.
59
@Patricia S.
Dogs (most male and some female) scratch the ground after they mark to further mark with the scent left from their paws.
2
@Patricia S. - and they say if you smell cats you're likely to get the brain parasite that affects your behaviour - I forget - to like cats more ... ?
2
@Frank
You're talking about Toxoplasma gondii, which you're most likely to get from undercooked meat or shellfish; cats can spread it to us through their feces for only a short time after they've been infected. There is evidence that the parasite affects dopamine production. It's not uncommon, and most folks don't know they've had it becuase their immune systems tamp it down, but it can be catastrophic to fetuses and the immunocompromised. The vet can test your cat for the parasite. Keep kitty indoors and don't flush litter. Check it out:
https://www.uchicagomedicine.org/forefront/biological-sciences-articles/2014/july/what-does-it-mean-when-2-billion-people-share-their-brain-with-a-parasite
1
Thinking something little is 'cute' is an innate emotion necessary for survival. That's my opinion but I'm convinced this is true. I bought a garlic grater one time - a mini cheese grater. The clerk said, "Oh this is so cute". It was cute, but it was also just a small version of a larger utensil. But the smaller size made it cute. It made me realize that if we didn't think babies were cute we might never take care of them. I, like the author, have never had kids and never will. I don't really care how cute they are. But they are cute enough that I would do whatever it took to make sure they survive and are comfortable. It goes beyond basic empathy.
7
Socialization is a powerful thing; choosing not to have children in the face of ubiquitous expectation requires courage and a level of self awareness that many young people have not developed. There is undeniable joy in being a parent but having children is a huge and unending emotional and financial responsibility with no guarantee of good outcomes. And in light of the effects of humanity’s burdensome glut on our beautiful planet and the uncertainty of our future...the decision not to procreate should be celebrated and encouraged.
15
I agree. I'm old enough to remember the zero population growth movement of the 60's. I'm convinced the world would be healthier with fewer of us. The biggest threat of declining population is economic disruption, which is something to which we can and would adapt. Overrunning the planet and depleting resources seems to be a problem we don't have the will to manage.
The cuteness factor is certainly an important component of bonding. If some of us can derive that satisfaction from bonding with animals instead of procreating, why not?
4
I always knew I never wanted children, and wondered about the very real baby hunger the author described that was obviously real in so many friends and utterly absent in me. And I do love my cats - their beauty, grace, the softness of their fur, and yes their odor, in a way that makes me wonder how anyone could NOT love cats. Perhaps the odor angle has something to it.
5
Funny. This is the second time this week I've heard someone say they approached pregnancy with ambivalence.
I would say the "undecided" category is a little more nuanced than a yes or no decision though. Even without a hysterectomy, the biological clock is ticking. You don't even want to know the scientific probabilities connected with delayed motherhood. You're playing with chance every year you wait. Even if you're undecided, I feel like a lot of people take the plunge for want of time.
Yes, fertility treatments can help induce pregnancy at later ages. However, that doesn't improve the situation regarding the baby's health. If you weren't sure about having children in the first place, a child with a health issue isn't going to make things easier. I feel like many women who don't find themselves in a definitive "yes" or "no" category struggle with this issue.
The "baby hunger" leads to a kind of "I need to find a husband" hunger which is a bad place to start any relationship. On the other end of the spectrum, some people never find themselves in a place where they can realistically consider a pregnancy before timing-out. "No" becomes a sort of self-validation for what happened accidentally through circumstance. This seems especially true among Millennials.
If you want to use science to justify it, fine. However, I don't think a baby's smell overwrites the intersection between biology and economy. Time and means.
1
Andy,
Fortunately, women who want kids are realizing that they don’t necessarily need a partner. You can find their stories all over YouTube. Many of them adopt, too.
Even a man I used to date who’s a bit older and didn’t come out until later in life decided not to wait until the perfect guy came along. He’s raising twin girls, with support from a close network of friends and family.
I’m sure some people think voluntarily committing to single parenthood is further proof of the ‘decline of the West’ or some such nonsense. I think of it as a pragmatic adaptation to individual freedoms people never used to have.
2
I hope that the parents of daughters and sons who decide that they do not wish to procreate, will learn from this article. The unrelenting pressure from potential grandparents, often pushes couples into having children half-heartedly. No one benefits in the end.
20
About 40 years ago I was a young person newly employed at a big company and newly married. Sitting across the table at dinner was the VP's wife. She sweetly inquired about our childbearing plans and inferred that I'd leave work to raise the babies. I informed her that my husband and I had decided NOT to have children and it was a decision we made together. The look on her face was a mixture of 'deer in the headlights', fear, and maybe even revulsion.
It was "THE moment" when I realized that culturally, the expectation for having children was so hardwired that saying never was never an appropriate response and totally unacceptable.
And, I learned a valuable lesson about never say never. We did have 2 wonderful 'mistakes' that are pure blessings. We have a set of grandchildren from one and the other has decided to go the no-kids route. I am very happy with both of the choices. However, I am pressuring the childless couple to get a puppy.
14
Oh kindred spirit thank you for this article. I love the scent of my pooch and puppy breath is a perfume. While I´ll happily hold and rock a baby, I´d rather have a long term commitment to a dog. She´s a rescue as was her late companion. There are so many lessons to learn in having a dog for its life span.
6
I think there is another aspect here. These declarations may be real but they may also just be repetition of what they were taught was supposed to be said when one had those feelings or when one saw or was in the presence of a baby, puppy ... Fact is a LOT of human culture is actually people just repeating what they were told to and not even realizing it.
I get the feeling of what I say is desire to possess/ hold/protect something precious when I see a baby. I have never understood where those expressions of cannibalism or violence that everyone seems to me to be repeating because they were taught to say it not because they actually want to do these things. They have been taught to use these words for these feelings and they are making up excuses to explain it after the fact IMO. Heck they may even have taught themselves to visualize these deeds in their minds as they say them.
It is as much a cognitive and language issue as it is describing the feelings associated with desiring to be a parent.
2
The authors of a new book, “Empty Planet,” are going so far as to warn that the world population will start dropping by midcentury. “Once that decline begins,” they write, “it will never end."
I would not bet on that prediction. There are 7.53 billion people in the world. Barring nuclear war or unchecked sea level rise or decimation of agricultural land by climate change or some other disaster, I would be amazed if it ever gets back down to 5 billion, although all those disasters would be less likely if it did, and humanity and every other species on the planet would undoubtedly be better off.
14
Dave,
I’m pretty sure that in every country where standard of living has increased, birth rates have declined. The effect has been greatest in Europe and Japan, but it’s also happening throughout Latin America; in Canada, Australia, and New Zealand; and throughout Asia. It’s the reason China finally ended its one-child policy: the youngest cohort is much smaller than the generation they’ll be supporting in the coming years.
Birth rates are highest in poorer countries and countries with ongoing conflicts—sub-Saharan Africa, Afghanistan, Yemen, etc. Ending war and improving quality of life can change that.
3
my mother recently told me neither she nor my grandmother wanted children. I didn't either. all 3 of us tried to avoid having children but failed.
4
@terpsicore25
The fact that you love those children (I assume you do because I have heard other women who did not want kids say they loved them after they were born.) is probably the main excuse for never having inspected this issue. I think it was/is part of the social infrastructure that has forced women into breeding even when they said they did not want children.
1
I have always been fascinated by that desire to squeeze cute animals and people, and those you love. In birth class, we learned that oxytocin is the hormone that starts contractions -- it's the "squeezing hormone." I wonder if that squeezing-cute-things feeling is just an accidental leftover from the child-birth process, or does it continue to serve a purpose? I'm reminded of Temple Grandon's squeezing machine. She found that being squeezed is essential even though she (with autism) had no desire to be squeezed by a person. Seems there's something important about being squeezed.
10
Thank you for sharing this life experience with us. Thank you also for not having kids.
Many people, like my wife and I, felt the pressure to also have kids, but neither of us wanted them. We know many that have them that shouldn't, in our opinion.
Also, we feel that there are plenty of us talking monkey's on the planet already and adding more is not in our mutual best interest.
10
While my partner and I are happily childless...I’m terrified about our future old age...Who is going to assist us in the way we help my fragile and elderly parents? I know we’re going to end up in some bare-bones government home with absolutely no one committed to our care...It’s scary
15
Nursing homes are full of people neglected by thier children. Maybe there was never the kind of relationship there where are adult child would feel an emotional or societal imperative to care for the parent. Was the desire to be cared for in old age ever a good reason to have kids?
10
Having children is no guarantee that you will be cared for in your old age. That’s what nursing homes do. I love my children, and because I do, don’t want them burdened with my care as I age.
6
@Native sonny I hate to inform you of bad news, but absent a large bundle of money, one of you will outlive the other and be by yourself with your arthritis, dementia, car-less existence, need to be helped on and off the toilet, and the like. There are few young or middle-aged people willing to seek out the extreme elderly not only to assist them in basic tasks, but to hang out like a person and talk about, say, the weather, or politics.
Advice? Enjoy it now, drink it up, it does not last forever. "Tomorrow, we die, but first we fall apart piece by piece."
4
For all her scientific perspective, the Author misses one point: social attitudes toward women who opt out are themselves an expression of evolutionary adaptedness. The doctor and all those good-hearted people whom she loaths or feels uncomfortable with because of their obnoxious remarks, questions, advices etc. make a population which, just like any other population of living organisms, tends to reproduce and survive to the next generation. Had your parents opted out, you wouldn't have a chance to opt out now.
3
I love babies and have loved them as long as I can remember. The flip side is a keen discomfort when I hear a child crying. It borders on anxiety and I assume it has to do with wanting to sooth the child even if it is not my own. I wonder if that is connected to a strong reaction to "cuteness," and if puppy lovers feel the same about distressed dogs.
10
My mother, if given the choice in the 1950s, would have gladly opted out of motherhood, but, of course, she succumbed to social pressure (and the lack of other opportunities) and gave birth to three of us. I'm pretty sure she was born with an immunity to cuteness -- no response to babies or even puppies for her. While I'm glad she gave us life, she did spend most of the time since then letting us know she wished she hadn't. The best thing women and men can do going forward is heed that inner voice (whether emotional or biological or both) that says it's very much okay not to be a parent.
64
Kudos to you on your decision not to have children. I wish that more people questioned whether or not they should have children. I've seen many people who automatically produced children after reaching a certain age who don't seem to really care much about them. Much better for them and for their kids if they had never reproduced.
That being said, my family has always been baby-crazy; we're a large Catholic family with lots of kids and grand-kids and great grand-kids. Each baby is greeted like some kind of mini-god and "made over" to a degree that outsiders would find weird. We fight over who is going to hold, feed, and change the latest baby. I am wondering if this baby-hunger is hereditary. Is it nature or nurture, because I grew up seeing this baby madness over and over again? And it is literally baby hunger--we want to nibble on toes and fingers and burble baby bellies. We all felt sadness when our children put a stop to this, as they inevitably do. Only a few of us escaped this baby madness but there is no pressure or disbelief at their decisions to remain childless. More baby for the rest of us!
8
I'm certainly in that category of "never wanted to have children". And my wife, luckily for us, is also. When I went to have a vasectomy in my early 30's, the urologist tried to talk me out of it. He wondered what I would do if I split with my wife and got together with a woman who wanted children. People who are in the "I want/need to have kids" category simply don't understand us. We love being around other people's children, but are very grateful we didn't make the mistake of having our own.
And then there is the whole topic of overpopulation of the planet . . .
45
My wife and I tried and tried to have a baby, and I was devastated when it didn't happen. Only later, when the profound implications of climate change came into view, did I come to realize this was a blessing in disguise.
It's quite simple: more babies, more people on this planet leads to ever more development, ever more consumption, ever more waste, ever more carbon emissions.
The mounting evidence suggests that we have run out of time, that we will in fact pass a warming and degraded planet on to our children and grandchildren. What a legacy we have wrought for ourselves and for our heirs.
I pray going forward that these kinds of considerations will factor into family planning decisions, and the lady with the nine children will teach them well about our changing planet.
16
This is a bit of a strange way to describe what is an fairly well understood genetic evolution between humans and dogs, at least.
2
The media reports in one breath that the world is overpopulated and that humans are using too many resources and polluting the planet and in the next breath that we need to have more people.
And no one seems to be making the connection with migration and immigration.
A useful, responsible narrative needs to emerge that can help drive policy worldwide.
17
From personal experience, I think this article is way off base. (Note my icon if it shows up today: I love little dogs, puppies and kittens). I never felt drawn to other's people's children. However, once I had two of my own, it was an epiphany. I became attached to each infant and as a consequence the mothering followed naturally. I believe it was a function of hormones and I also think breastfeeding is an essential component of this hormone/mothering cascade. I recognized and enjoyed the scent of my infants while I never cared for the scent of unrelated infants. It's the pheromones.
As a clinician I frequently see and touch other people's children. I find very few of them "cute". I still respond to the "cuteness" of puppies and kittens (and other baby mammals and birds).
33
@Old Hominid okay, so YOUR experience is disdimilar from that of the author’s. But she is not discounting experiences like yours, merely addressing a new area of scientific exploration. Why must you discount her experience? For me, it was incredibly on point. Sure, if I had a baby I might have a hormonal-induced change in attitude. I might also experience crippling postpartum depression. I’ll never know, thanks to muy best choice ever, tubal ligation.
15
@Simone I'm having a lot of fun commenting on this article because it is about a topic I have thought about frequently for almost 40 years. Why was I never interested in having children but so drawn to baby animals? Was it because I had no siblings? Why do I find most young primates (e.g. gorillas, chimps, etc.) unattractive? Why did I find my own two children irresistible?
I prefer to look at things from a evolutionary perspective. I also think this response is hard-wired and explains our reactions to different appearing human population phenotypes
4
My son is adopted, our bond is deep though not hormonal.are you saying you're bond is this superior? What say you about bad or even horrible bio parents? I hope your disdain for other people's kids that you vote like a badge of honor does the kids in your care no harm.
5
I am thankful I didn’t have the burning desire to have children. I have stage 4 endometriosis and have suffered terribly with the disease for 30 plus years. When you are fighting for your health, the last thing I craved was to bring a child into the world and endometriosis has a high rate of passing the disease onto a daughter. Also, I grew up in an extremely abusive home and any decision to have children was gone. We have multi generations of fathers and husbands abusing their children and wives. If I hadn’t had severe abuse in my history and chronic illness, would I have wanted a baby? It is hard to say, but articles like this let me know I am not alone in my desires and as a women I don’t need a child to be significantly whole.
21
When I was little, my next door neighbors and I would play house. They would be 'stay at home moms with anywhere from three to five kids' (which was absolutely the norm for our area) and I would happily be a 'childfree lawyer.' They are now thrilled to be mothers (some with more than one), while I am equally thrilled to remain childfree.
It has never been a question for me as to if I wanted kids or not. I knew I didn't. I've had people tell me my whole life that I will meet someone and change my mind. Or I will change my mind when I get older. But, thanks, I'm good with my cat.
49
I never had any desire to have children either, never got the "smell the baby's head" thing etc, love young people and mentoring and am delighted to watch next generations achieve and grow, but am daily grateful that I've had opportunities to learn and explore and develop in ways that the countless generations of women before me couldn't have even dreamed of...
36
I'm curious what life expectancy would need to be - at the current birthrate - to keep global population stable. It's unlikely people will want more kids, but most certainly want to live longer.
5
I have never suffered from cute overload but apparently that’s why I had a child (not after years of quietly and neurotically weighing pros and cons and making a thoughtful decision) and I also feel it’s dismissive of the myriad reasons women choose not to have kids. I personally don’t think anyone has to justify their decision either way and the shrinking fertility rate reflects that. This decision is so personal and goes way beyond wanting to squeeze cute things (baby, puppy, kitten, etc.) until they pop. There’s a lot of NOT cute real life stuff about having a newborn human and a 14 year old dog...where’s that op ed?
17
I never wanted children, but in my early thirties I gave in to societal pressure and had one, anyway. Have always regretted it. I love my child, but I hated motherhood, and I definitely lost most of my life and never did any of the things I wanted to do, in part because I was trapped by parenthood, which really does consume one. Am so relieved that my kid is grown and out of the house. Finally feel like I have my life back. But so many years were lost...it's hard not to regret them.
138
@Anonymous
Wow, it's so refreshing to hear someone actually come out with this. When I discuss my unwillingness/lack of desire to be a parent, everyone talks as if parenthood is universally loved and that if I only experienced it I would instantly sway to the other side. Good to hear reinforcement of what I already believe - that having a child is choosing one path at a fork in the road and you never get a chance to try the other route.
58
@Anonymous
I felt no drive to have children when I was young and never had them. Now that I am 69, I do regret that I missed the experience of motherhood, and the connection to a family of adult children, their spouses and grandchildren that my friends now have. Given my earlier ambivalence about motherhood, would I have felt like you if I had gone ahead and had a child back then? I'll never know.
31
@Anonymous I'm sorry you lost so much of your life. Like you, I never wanted children, but, unlike you, never had them. Like the author, I announced when still a child (11), that I never wanted children. As the eldest of 6 (when I was 11 - it later became 8), I had seen first hand all the grungy maintenance that went into caring for babies and toddlers, and how our mother's life was completely subsumed by cooking, cleaning and caring for us. I told my Mum I wanted my own life, and did not want to sacrifice it for children. She nodded sagely, as if she thought I was making a good choice. Later, when in my 20s and 30s, I watched as my friends literally disappeared into motherhood. That cemented my decision never to have children - and I divorced the husband who wanted them (he later had two) I only met my friends' real selves again as we reached our 50s and their children had left home. I have lots of nieces and nephews, and one grand-nephew, but I have never felt any desire to squeeze or smell them when they were babies - I just don't have the 'baby-gene'. I suspect my only sister doesn't either, but she did give in to societal pressure and had one - and said 'never again'. She did lose many years in caring for that child though and never really re-emerged- he is now 27 and still living at home! Unusually, for a child-free person, I have never been attacked or questioned about my lack of children - maybe people could see for themselves that I was not mother-material!
22
I have been “addicted to cute” ...dogs and cats, koalas, lots of other animals and human babies my entire life...way before the influence and availability of social media.
Most of my family on both sides is the the same way so I always assumed there was a genetic component which was a good enough reason or explanation for me.
I also get an endorphins rush from cute and I concluded that if something positive makes us feel good it seems natural that we would be drawn to it
I never had kids partially due to the perceived discomfort of pregnancy and the pain of delivery during my childbearing years yet I have created an extremely rewarding career in childcare...supporting a work life balance for the parents and supporting the kiddos as they learn, love and grow
8
Thank you for your bravery in outting yourself as not having the least desire to have kids. Maybe this is an evolutionary adaptive response to our overpopulation issues? Humans do evolve, and right now it would be great for the planet if a certain percentage of them would not want to procreate. When I think about it, you've done more to save the planet's resources than I ever will with my electric car, carbon offsetting & eating local! When I was younger, I had wanted to start a non-profit that I would call "One or None". Its aim would have been to encourage people to have fewer children. My thinking was that most issues we have are fueled by the fact that there is just too danged many of us. But then I fell to that feral baby hunger that you describe so well and had two wonderful kids. I'm not beating myself up for this choice, but I'm encouraged that more people are wanting one or none. Thanks for bringing some light to this issue!
14
Whenever I ask myself, "How could someone be a (fill in the blank)?, I remind myself that the world is far bigger and diverse than I can possibly imagine.
For every person who is an X, there is a person who is a not-X. I'm hoping that such thoughts will lead me to greater understanding and acceptance.
24
This is an interesting essay, but it is one of many examples in which the power and prestige of science is invoked to tell us what we already know.
7
Very interesting article and yes, I do think the differences you mention among people are actual things, maybe neurological differences. One of my relatives announced as a young child that she had no intention of EVER becoming a mother and she never wavered from that position.
Another aspect of this that I find curious and interesting is the profound difference of the way I felt about, for example, changing diapers on my OWN child (not even slightly unpleasant), and changing diapers of every other child on earth (gross). Still to this day, there is nothing concerning my own (grown) child's body that I could possibly be repelled by. My mother told me she felt the same way about her children.
It never occurred to me to sniff my dog's paws, but I do love the smell of puppy breath, which is a real thing.
20
@Madeline Conant
Oh yes! That poop bit is universal and clearly evolutionary, same reason they are so darn cute to begin with, sweet smells and all.
1
I'm interested in the distinction, for women, between wanting to reproduce and wanting to be mothers. Given the choice between adopting a baby or spending tens of thousands on likely unhealthy fertility treatments, it seems so many women choose the latter. (I know adoption costs too, but that's a different discussion).
11
I'm 66, have been married three times and have never been pregnant. I decided not to have children when I was about 12. Luckily, I found three men who also didn't want them. Strange, but true. The most annoying thing about it is the distance this creates in my relationships with other women. Sometimes I get the feeling that women see me as some kind of alien being. After all, when women meet one another for the first time the one thing they can always talk about is their kids. But, when I say I have none, the conversation often just shuts down. Other women often don't know how to react. It's just assumed that a woman my age will have children and probably even grandchildren. I create disappointment in others, I think, for which I'm sorry. But, there it is.
72
@Ms. Pea Sometimes what so much divides women who have children from women who do not is exhaustion. The mothers who are primary caretakers are too exhausted to be interesting interlocutors, to read engaging books, to sit with their thoughts...to have thoughts. Some feel this gap keenly and others do not. In conversation, sometimes what divides those who raised children from those who did not is not the problem of subject (children), but what people choose to divulge. Children, in the first five years, are often bizarre, fierce, and gross. Many parents either choose or are too exhausted to dish psychonalytic. But if they did, maybe some of the child free and those with child could still find shared emotional and intellectual grounds.
11
@Ms. Pea
I find your point about your non-parental relationships a fascinating topic. My interest with it began back in college. Before I had kids, there was a couple we hung out with who began their own family, and they simply dropped out of our circle. After I had kids, I began noticing that I did the same thing to my friends, but I discovered that I was winding up in other circles that had more children.
Then, during a professional diversity class, the professor had us separate based on how we perceived our defining characteristic: racial, religious type, economic class, etc. A huge chunk of us wound up in the middle of the room under "parents." It was shocking. And even more interesting, most of us found it impossible to rationalize how we could ever place ourselves in one of the other categories.
So I don't think you're an alien. I do think that parents have difficulty reacting to non-parents because parenthood changes some people, drastically. We have lost some of the tools to interact with non-parental society because our toolbox changed. My life, for the moment, is not about my career, by dreams, my hobbies; it's about taking care of my daughters, period. Others are even worse than me; they have kid-based activities 7 days a week!
I don't know if or how this will work, but you might try getting these women outside their motherhood. I know I need a good night at a bar every once in a while, to remind myself that I am still a unique individual...
17
@Ms. Pea - I think asking about another's kids is a small-talk conversation starter. There is maybe weather, sports, kids. Current events, politics, religion are no good, real estate is too specific, weather is boring and I don't follow any sports, so... have any kids? Or suggestions as to what we can talk about?
3
I had a conversation with my oncologist after an article appeared in the Times and WAPO about breast cancer stage 0. Stage 0, I asked her? Why even call it cancer, knowing how that word resonates negatively? This was her answer: "We know that one-third of women with Stage 0 (in situ but not yet cancerous) will develop into cancer. However, we don't know which third they are. So we just tell all women to have it taken out." I declined her generous offer of surgery and we parted ways.
8
If the individuals in a species did not have built-in drive to reproduce it would not be successful - it wouldn't exist. This is how evolution works. But the first step is coitus, not nurturing. Do people like Kennedy refrain from sex because babies don't smell right, or because puppies do? Unless they do, these attitudes may be mostly irrelevant, although they may come into play when it comes to having multiple children.
Whatever the "natural" urges are, they may be modified by conditions of modern human society. Humans have the option of birth control. Reduction of the reproductive urge would probably be beneficial, since humans can't keep multiplying exponentially.
10
@skeptonomist
To make a scientific test of the role of cuteness, or smell or whatever, women before childbirth would have to be compared to others before childbirth. Hormones change considerably during pregnancy, probably for the partial purpose of changing behavior toward nurturing. However, the reactions that Kennedy describes would also be useful in relatives of a child-bearing woman, including husbands, if they do part of the nurturing.
4
This is an Interesting story to be sure. I have two thoughts. Perhaps this is biological as over population seemingly is reducing the planet of humans. And, what I find odd about the article, is that love it not mentioned at all.
10
@eb
Interesting presumption -- bu there are supposed to be 2 billion more people on the planet by 2040. (And not entirely due to fewer wars and better healthcare - more and more disease is being controlled.)
Coming of age in the 60s, when Democrats acted like socialist all the time and the Republicans part of the time, I don't understand the world post Reagan -- when greed became the raison d'etre.
So far as women who did not reproduce historically -- I only know about nuns; one might add in monks in many religions.
The discussion needs to be expanded. (I did not lust after pregnancy either... )
4
As a guy who is relatively immune to cuteness and has always completely devoid of the drive to be a parent, I found reading this to be quite liberating.
23
One also wonders if overpopulation and the resulting environmental degradation triggers an innate evolutionary response that makes the individual want to remain child-free.
At this moment, our species has a better chance of long term survival if there are a lot less of us. Not to mention every other species on the planet.
46
Whenever I asked myself if I wanted kids the cuteness and fun and paternal feelings were vastly outweighed by, in no particular order: cost (over $200k per kid), fear of having kid with serious disability, fear of repeating the mistakes my own parents made with me.
Not all kids are cute, by the way.
52
@Matt
Thank you for bringing up the point about serious disability. My best friend's only brother is severely mentally handicapped, and I think that has always played a bigger role in why he never wanted children than he has admitted. When the work and responsibility for such a sibling devolves on to you, you figure out whether you would risk having that happen again. A couple we know has a severely autistic son, and caring for him really, truly consumes their life. Most people go into having a child assuming it will be perfect; us pessimists say, what if it's not? How much would I be willing to sacrifice?
6
I love the smell of puppies and babies, but never once while smelling them did it cross my mind, "I HAVE to have one of these for my own!"
25
@Panthiest
ditto.
Was always ambivalent about fathering my own children, and being surrounded by college students as a faculty member in my 30s and 40s tended to provide a ready-made contingent of almost-adult kids, many of whom relied on me for sage advice. In retrospect, given climate catastrophe, which I took to heart early-on, back in the 1980s, I feel that I somehow made a quite reasonable decision. When I observe the grandchildren of close friends, I experience a very complex bipartite reaction: part of me regretting what I missed, the other part grateful that at least I avoided the guilt of leaving behind descendants who will likely have to live on a degraded planet to whose degradation my generation made huge contributions.
22
I've never wanted to father children. I also don't find babies cute.
I do, however, adore cats/kittens and dogs/puppies (mostly cats).
No one seems to think this is weird, but then again, I'm a guy. I think most people assume all women want kids and love kids.
26
Wow, this article is an eye-opener. I believe that there are a lot of things that we do not fully understand about human mind. There was a time when I wanted to have a baby but now I am indifferent. Looks like my cute-craziness has evaporated. I do not feel a pull or a push when I look at cute babies. They do attract my attention but so does lot of other pleasant and attractive things and people. I do not feel any change in my feelings for the things and people I care about. It may also mean that cute-craziness changes for some people as they age.
12
I had no desire to have children even though I married young and was healthy. Well-intended friends kept dropping hints that I shouldn't put it off too long. When my daughter was finally born, the angels didn't sing, I had a difficult time anticipating her needs and we didn't get along too well in those first sleep-deprived months. But I got used to my new role and had another baby, and another, and another. I would have had even more if I could have afforded it. In light of this article I find it interesting that I was firmly planted in both camps-- with no desire to have children, until I became the woman one whose heart still melts at the sweet grunts of a newborn. I wonder if this is rare.
30
A gradual decline in the human population resulting from personal choice would be, I think, the ideal solution to our species’s and the biosphere’s biggest solveable problem. I speak as a woman who always knew she would be a mother and for whom motherhood and grandmother hood are my deepest pride and pleasure.
52
This gradual decline may have something to do with men all over the world being diagnosed with defective sperm. In the last ten years, every baby born to a friend or a friend’s child has been an IVF baby. This is what people should worry about, not First World choice issues.
4
@MidcenturyModernGal
I agree with you. It's remarkable that when women are more equal the population goes down. We don't need draconian restrictions or some great plague, just equality.
2
I'm surprised there was no mention in the essay about the intense and overt social pressure to have children. Females in particular are awash in the expectation, or even requirement, to have children practically from childhood. There is nothing subtle about it and it comes from a variety of sources including religion, popular media, and even government policies. I have watched mothers of an older generation who have lived their entire lives as homemakers and the hurt and rejection they feel when their daughters say that they're not sure they want to have kids themselves. Talk about a guilt trip.
Any study of the desire for children must first account for this factor. The old nature vs nurture conundrum.
25
@NJMike haha how about the bludgeoning social pressure to love babies and coo about how cute they are. It's not that I don't think babies are cute. Most of them are. But the lengths one has to go to to show appropriate appreciation are in my opinion extreme. I do it for my lovies, because they support me in many ways they might not understand the need for too. But never mistake my, "Oh how cy-ooot!" for "I want one too!" Nope.
2
I had the strangest experience once I was at a lunchtime concert with my kids and I started noticing all the babies around me—really noticing them in a way I’d never felt before. I kept being drawn to every baby I saw. I’ve always been drawn to children and in fact work with them, but this was at an intensity level I had never felt before (or since) and was really just directed at babies.
I found out a few days later that I was pregnant. It was an unplanned pregnancy so it wasn’t that I was thinking about babies, it was a completely hormonal reaction.
79
Interesting column and certainly a topic worth exploring more.
Another aspect of this that is worth keeping in mind is that for much of human history, pregnancy was like playing Russian Roulette. The life of the mother was in jeopardy throughout the pregnancy and especially so during childbirth. Historically, the rational choice for a woman has always been to opt out of pregnancy and childbirth. Always interesting to explore the creative tricks evolution came up with to combat our rationality.
47
I think there are certainly people who favor babies but have no desire to be a parent. I know some of these people, men and women. Wanting to hold a baby (I hear) is not the same as spending the next 20-some years devoting one's energy, resources and relationship to raising a child or children.
For those who claim that the desire to reproduce is hard-wired, I suggest that the desire to have sex is hard-wired. Witness the many non-reproductive people that desire sex. Reproduction is wired in as an often-unwanted side effect, a scattershot result of some sex acts and partners.
Yes, I lost one good man over the issue. So it goes.
33
Given that this planet is massively overpopulated by human animals and we're driving it into a state unable to support our species in these numbers [if, in truth, at all], thinking that world population might drop is not a bad thought.
Now, if we could manage of draw-down of CO2 in our atmosphere to return our climate to a semblance of what we've evolved to live in, that would be cool, too. [No pun intended, but there you go.]
As for maternal imperatives, I'm one of those who could "eat little babies up," mine or any that I meet. Had my first at 23. Second at 27. Gravitate to strange babies in supermarkets. Love how they smell; love especially the round heads and big eyes [instinct to protect babies].
I wonder if the not-for-me people are proliferating. That would be good. Fewer babies are what we need all over the planet right now. We need good people. We need caring people. We need people who love babies. We need people who don't particularly care about babies. We need people willing to be good to strangers, whether babies or not, because we have too many people and a planet that is losing habitable regions. A recipe for disaster, as we're seeing in the migration patterns and hostilities these days.
100
There was no mention of the impact of overpopulation in the article. Personally, when I'm stuck in traffic or walking down a crowded New York street, the last thing I think we need is another human being thrown into the mix.
59
Never wanted kids. Fought for 20 years for sterilization so pregnancy would never happen. Can't count the number of times I was told "You'll change your mind" or "You care so much you'll make a wonderful parent" or "You're too young to make that kind of decision." Like an 18 year old having a baby is making any less of a monumental, life-changing decision? Or is somehow more qualified to make that choice than a 20-25-30-35 year old woman?
My friends who have kids have my respect and deep regard. The world must be peopled. (Shakespeare) But not by me or my child free sisters. There is room for all of us, and my choice in no way devalues theirs.
174
@Barbara Lee
Ah, someone else with child-free sisters also. In my family, it's all 3 of us.
As I mentioned in my comment, my husband thinks we're a statistical anomaly. I've never met anyone else in the same position, and yet here you are!
34
@MDF
I think she meant "sisters" as in "the sisterhood of women," not her literal siblings. But maybe I read it wrong
5
Sisterhood of women; I have no biological sisters. But my friends group runs the gamut of ages and conditions; I have friends with "kids" in their 50's through friends with toddlers. And a fair number of child-free in the mix with varying tolerances for kids; often we provide "auntie" time for the friends with kids, and for any emergencies.
Build a strong network. I see plenty of our elderly friends whose children never visit and are only interested in the inheritance at the end of the tunnel. Offspring are no guarantee of care. WE are the ones taking care of each other as we grow old.
6
I loved toddlers and children and was a care giver as as a young adult but wasn’t much moved by babies. I’ve been a dog person from childhood though and could gaze into a furry guys eyes for hours. Btw- there can also be an intoxicating warm “nutty” scent in some pup ears. But I digress. Really I’ve always been drawn to most fur covered mammals. I did want children but not without some ambivalence. I simply did not have that tug other women describe. As my 30’s we’re coming to a close I just decided to take the plunge and trust. I was deeply concerned I wouldn’t be as into my child as my dogs. When my first was born though I really felt like we were both animals! She was so creaturely, such a monkey. Remarkable and utterly delicious. After that the tug was strong for another child. At 7 my son’s breath still reminds me of sweet apples. I’ve been in the clutches of a deep yearning towards babies ever since even now that I’m decidedly done. This extremely interesting article makes me wonder how this spectrum might work. Lots of nuance. Thank you for starting the conversation!
38
@Mama Yes - I was never "into" babies until after I had my own (at ages 39 and 42) - and spent my 20's and early 30's sure I would never be a mom. But "baby hunger" hit in my mid-30's and I was able to skate into mom hood just in time. And since then (my kids are 21 and 23), I love love love babies - and little children. I am currently besotted with my two year old step-granddaughter in a way I would never have been 30 or 40 years ago. And yes, if a doctor had told me when I was 25 that I was too young to have my tubes tied, he/she would have been right.
27
@Mama
Similar for me. I never felt maternal instincts or the desire to have children until my late 20s and I hung around a close friend and her children a lot. Before that I was uninterested in babies. Then I slowly started to want one. After I had my first I was completely changed and entranced and I ended up having four. They are what life is about for me and being a mother has absolutely been the most rewarding experience in my life. The maternal desires didn’t trigger until later, but they are permanent. Now I could go about adopting and caring for any small baby or child I come across. I adore them.
Some women who feel no maternal desire really don’t want babies. For others the desire comes later or is even triggered only after they have a baby. It’s very complicated, I think. And everything is in play— biology, social structures, psychology, emotions, etc.
Of course I also have always found cats and dogs super cute too... And when I see tiny kittens or homeless cats I’m ready to adopt and care for them too. I’m not personally sure that what one finds cute actually relates to the desire to have children or how rewarding an experience motherhood ends up being.
9
Traditional cultures measure success and failure at the level of the tribe, the clan, and the family. The individual can be successful, too, but only if he or she (in a traditional society HE will get most of the credit) furthers the interests of the collective by, for instance, making lots of future warriors (and mothers).
Empowering women can overturn that entire way of looking at the world, changing the narrative to one of PERSONAL accomplishment. Nowadays as women are finding their places as writers, scientists, and politicians, they often see child bearing as irrelevant to their professional goals or even injurious to their accomplishment.
More scientists. Less overpopulation. Sounds good to me.
(For the record, I could spend all day playing with puppies - though I'm not crazy about puppy smell, which is far less attractive than adult dog smell - but I'd just as soon not be around humans till they're house trained and able to hold a conversation.)
24
I’m the oldest of 3 sisters, all of whom are childless by choice. My husband thinks we’re some kind of statistical anomaly. One of us has animals — lots of them — while the other 2 do not.
It’s not that we had a terrible childhood. We just simply weren’t interested in raising kids. I knew this about myself from the time I first gave it any real thought — at 17. Never changed my mind.
We all find small round things to be extremely cute (particularly if they’re yellow — go figure). But that never translated into baby hunger.
I’d love to see some research on the role that nature and nurture might play in this. We never got any pressure from our parents to have kids, and our mom always pushed us to think for ourselves. But all 3 of us? It’s a mystery!
23
Here's a slight departure for research into this topic. I wonder whether people who are members of groups that place a high value on having lots of kids, such as Mormons, Amish, Orthodox Jews, Catholics once upon a time, etc., exhibit this divide in the same proportion as the article suggests, and thus whether the group pressure forces large families on those who deeply would rather not, or whether members of these groups just tend to have more positive feelings about kids.
26
@John Binkley We are a highly social species, evolved to survive only with the help of others. The opinion of our particular group is a vital part of our behavior -- "If I do that, no one will like me. If they make me leave I'll die!"
I suspect encouragement from family and friends to reproduce, the need for cheap farm labor and lack of effective birth control are the historical motivators behind large families. Today, with family farms on the decline and contraception available at the nearest drug store, that pressure is coming from within small groups that feel isolated by their beliefs, just as you suggested.
How much individual control do women in the groups you named actually have over their own reproduction? The explanation is in the answer.
3
@John Binkley. I wouldn’t put Catholics in the same category since the women couldn’t use birth control. How you feel about your children when you’ve been forced to have them is much more difficult.
2
My daughter, now 36, told me from an early age that she never wanted to have children. She has never waivered on that, and I’ve never tried to change her mind.
77
@Kate G I have a niece of the same age. She declared at the age of 12 years that she would never have children. She was repelled due to a film shown at school that had raw content of childbirth. For years I thought that this was behind her aversion to becoming a mother. I was wrong. She is a fulfilled person, working hard in a demanding industry, and feels no lack of not being a mom. Her decision has never left a negative feeling in me, and in fact, increases my admiration for her. She is honest.
19
Why would anyone want to have a baby in this day and age? The child will either quickly have to solve the problems of climate change, polluted air and water, insecure job situation, insecure food situation or die. Need I go on? Cute and cuddly only lasts for so long.
45
Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.
4
@esp
Billy Joel has a song “we didn’t start the fire, it was always burning, since the world’s been turning. No we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight it.”
You may have a million reasons not have children, but because the world has problems now is certainly a poor reason. The world has always had problems and, as Billy Joel said, since the world’s been turning.
3
@esp I have had two children,
If you all want to have children in this day and age, good luck
I have no idea of the science involved in "cuteness," but I've thought a lot about why cuteness plays such a minor role in the history of art. In the gazillion paintings that have come down the pike in Western art, aside from a parade of Christ child images, some Renaissance putti, and the treacly paintings of such artists as Renoir, cuteness is absent.
The reason, I think, is that while cuteness evokes feelings of pleasure in men and women both (much like feelings we have at the sight of a piece of cake), it lacks even a hint of the beautiful, the profound or the sublime--qualities that are at the heart of painting. "Cuteness pleasure" is nice, but it quickly dissipates. There's meaning in pondering how beautiful or complex the development of a baby is, but no meaning in thinking about how cute a baby (or a puppy or kitten) is.
Opting out of motherhood is a choice modernity and modern birth control gave women, and it represents a dramatic, wonderful expansion of individual freedom. But if science wants to figure out why some women don't respond to cute babies, it will have to explore whether the cuteness trigger isn't present in some people, as the author says is the case with her, or whether there are parts of the brain that can cut off feelings of cuteness before they rise up.
(These thoughts are strictly for the chattering class; for a long time to come, most women will continue to want at least one baby.)
17
I can think of a lot of Japanese art that employ or comment on Kawaii style (some in the Superflat realm or Miyazaki come to mind). Also, I think Morandi paintings are glorious but also have some cuteness. There are also many contemporary American illustrators using a cute style but making sophisticated work. Chris Ware makes abundantly cute but conceptually rich work. These are just quick examples but I'm sure there are many more. I agree, it is less of a primary focus, but cuteness can be used to explore the sublime.
5
Interesting article. I've always wondered why most of the people in my family were wild over kittens and puppies and just mildly concerned with kids. Aunts, uncles, cousins -- just not into reproducing.
Those of us who were born all knew we were loved dearly, but there wasn't a lot of cooing and coddling. On the street, mostly we stopped to pet people's dogs. Only one aunt peered into baby carriages, but still she had only two herself.
It's only with the advent of a newcomer who married into the generation after me that we have someone who loves her babies inordinately (to our way of thinking) and talks babies all the time.
It's a puzzlement. I hope they turn out okay.
19
Peripheral to the main point, but I am struck by the language of aggression and consumption used in describing reactions to "cuteness" - squishing puppies, eating up babies, heads and paws smelling like food, etc. There is interesting thread for animal behaviourists and students of mythology among others to pursue here. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "tiger mother".
21
@Ozanne
'Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "tiger mother".'
I've always thought that that sort of behavior gives new meaning to fairy tales about witches and ogres who devour babies.
Imagine being captive in a cradle and seeing a large face bearing down on you and roaring, "I could eat you, you're so cute!"
4
Control your fertility, control your destiny. I am another who never wanted to have children. The reason I fight so hard for reproductive freedom is because I am aware of this. I am 60 years old so I am no longer fighting for my own freedoms in that regard.
174
There is a parallel phenomenon taking place: in our American cultures: the citification of everything, even Times Square. Look at the art world: Murakami, Koons, Nara, and myriad others. Then there's the citification of nature in animation and cute animal characters voiced over by movie starts. There's the citification of sugar, a la Dylan's candy. It's everywhere.
1
@Ambroisine do you mean cutification? Otherwise I don’t understand your comment.
1
As a Southerner and one of five children, I hid my lack of interest in childbearing until adulthood, knowing intuitively that this would not be acceptable in the tradition-bound rural South where we lived. Only as a young adult did I share this with anyone I dated seriously--only to discover I was very close to a pariah. If you think I exaggerate, you should first experience the evangelical areas I did, where creation of families was viewed as a religious mandate.
119
Yep...you describe our South very well. I just love how we label childless, never-married women - spinsters. A good friend of mine who lived to be 103...who never married...was being interviewed by some college student. The student was surprised that my Friend had never married and wanted to confirm the Friend was a spinster...to which the Friend responded...”I said I never married...I didn’t say I was a spinster.” The fight goes on...
13
Possibly many couples - or at least the male partners - just become parents unthinkingly; not really giving much thought about what they're getting into. I've loved my kids, but have never found babies or children cute; I've loved my dogs, and I do find dogs cute; I loved my cat, but never found him especially cute.
9
Just a point of clarification: Nature does not do anything to "perpetuate the species". The idea of "group selection" was discredited a while ago. Natural selection favors genes that benefit individuals not the group. To that end, it's not necessary that anyone have a desire to have children, only to have sex - in an ancestral world without contraception, that was enough to do the job.
46
@Darwin surely you wouldn't argue that selection has favored genes that compel the majority to take care of their offspring after birth? Yes we're compelled to reproduce, but also to then "raise" the products of that reproduction (i.e. having kids).
6
@Darwin Well, I might quibble a bit with that. The species wasn't going to be perpetuated if those individually successful folks had sex, had a baby and then, looking at the baby, said "Meh," and left it on the side of the road....
5
@Darwin
Yes, evolution favors individual genes, but hasn’t evolutionary bio taught us that success in survival and continued propagagation rewards behavior to nurture / protect. That appeal and bond of kids (& kittens) is pretty strong for most (not all individuals !) and most species. It absolutely aids the survival of those helpless, demanding, useless-at-the-start offspring.
Have to say overall this article is not a great example of the Times’ priority setting these days. My sympathy to the author for her travails, but how is any of this piece remotely news? Or a fresh take on any question? Or likely to affect our understanding of our world/culture? Why does it come up on the first screen of the website next to actual news or comment?
This reader is all for coverage of women’s medical issues, challenges of medical self-advocacy, invidious constraints of our senseless insurance “system”, and insights into modern reproductive dilemmas. But this doesn’t make the grade for those topics, and doesn’t merit top placement any day or time.
4
Kudos to Kennedy. I never really thought about kids, so 50 years ago when my ex-fiancé announced she was pregnant, "I did the right thing," I got married.
Big mistake. The kids arrived, but the love and desire to nurture never really did. The marriage went sour, the kids suffered.
56
Richard...that’s one of the saddest things I’ve read today...
4
Eagerness to have children is a natural instinct that most people still have. But the desire is fading, as the need for the adorably cute infants to grow strong and capable and help with survival fades, and the glaring responsibility of parents to provide not only for their small children but to assure they will be able to provide for themselves mushrooms.
Humanity, once sparse and primitive and poor, bred like bunnies and were grateful for each one that survived. But as we filled the earth with more and more of us, using more and more of this planet's riches (even clean air and waters, as well as land and seas), the natural instinctive appeal of the cuteness of infants seems to be diminishing, though perhaps not as rapidly as available space, food, clean air and water shrink.
36
I've never wanted children. As a little girl, I played with stuffed animals, not dolls.
When I'm around babies, I don't dislike them, but I avoid holding them to the extent of pretending I have a cold. Luckily, my late husband also did not want children.
There was no pressure from my parents because my older brother and sister both had children.
When I look at kitten and cat photos on the internet, I feel a rush of love. I'd like to hold them.
When I hear my friends talk about problems with their children, I'm so glad I chose not to have any. Yes, being child-free means I have no one to 'take care' of me as I grow old, as my sister and I took care of our mother, but the trade-off is worth it.
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@Autumn
You are my sister from another mother. I can count on one hand the number of times I held a baby. I have no desire to "squish a baby with love." It was something that I brought up when dating since having children to many is an important component of coupling. Fortunately I married a man who also did not want children.
But cats! I could squish them all day. We have three and I used every phrase Ms Kennedy wrote about. They smell like good kitty. And their little pink paws are pearls of yumminess.
Too many parents I talk to love their children but don't seem to love their life as a parent. Their free time, their attention and their money are consumed by their children. I think they go to work so they can avoid their families for 8 hours.
I feel sorry for them. And when they ask who will take care of me when I get old, I remind that just because you have a child doesn't mean they'll take care of you when you're old. You may be estranged from them. They may hate you but still care for you so they can use and abuse you. They may die in an accident and suddenly your family is gone. I'll stick with putting money into my 401k as my retirement plan.
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@Jen I've long believed that there's nothing wrong with not wanting to have children. But, please don't feel sorry for us who do have them. I have a toddler. My husband and I both work full time. I think this is the most difficult my life has ever been. It makes me sad I don't have much time to see my friends right now. Of course, I sometimes miss my freedom. It's true that there's never enough time in the day. But, I'm so grateful for everything I have. And my priorities have changed. Also, I don't think it once occurred to me to have children so there'd be someone to take care of me when I'm old. I was a 100% full person with a full life before I became a mother. But, my life has so much more meaning and purpose than before. I also feel like I've already lived enough of that unencumbered, free lifestyle. I was ready to move on. I suspect that many (most?) parents would agree: Don't feel sorry for us. We wouldn't trade places with you for anything. To each her own.
15
@Jen My husband and I never wanted children, and the older we get, the happier we are with that decision! It's too late now, hooray, and when I see what my friends/family with kids have gone through and continue to go through, it astonishes me that anyone believes it's worth it. We have free time, we have disposable income, we have a fraction of the stress, and we are in control of our own lives. My best friend is child-free too, although she did want children, so we're all going to pool our resources when we're old and take care of each other.
And we have beloved cats too, who are like children but SO much better!
18
Pagan-
Let me assure you that you are not alone in not wanting children. I am 70 and had a tubal ligation when I was 27 because I did not want children and have not regretted it for a second. I was freed from birth control issues and anxiety about their failure.
I love dogs and all of my Scotties have had paws that smelled like Fritos. How do I know that? I smelled them of course. In fact prior to facebook, I was a member of a Scottish Terrier cyberlist and my dog's paw observations were shared by many.
I have never been enamored by babies and do not understand "baby hunger." "Puppy hunger"-yes. But not "baby hunger."
Take heart. You are not alone.
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@Janet
When I was a kid, I told my parents I wanted to marry the dog and have puppies. Now I'm 65, never had or wanted children and have, at present, five senior dogs. Got a tubal ligation at age 30, not because I made up my mind, but because it was the earliest time that anyone would do the operation and insurance would cover it.
In the childfree world, there are Early Articulators and Procrastinators. I surely am in the former group.
61
Wow, I’m 60, had a tubal ligation at 25. Same background as you, I didn’t want dolls as a child, but I did want stuffed animals. As an adult I’m very involved with dog rescue and am surrounded by 3 rescued cattledogs and very happy about it. I was fortunate to find a man who shared my need NOT to have children and we have been married for nearly 20 years. It’s so nice to read of people who share these feelings. I’ve never been eager to hold a baby and I actually find human babies a little odd looking, they’re just not for me. This isn’t a diss of people who have that urge, I just don’t want my desires to be discounted either.
73
@Janet I've never sniffed her paws (I'll give it a try) but my little dog smells like popcorn when her skin and coat are very warm.
4
This is really interesting; it's a window into a person very different from me. To me, not wanting a baby is like not wanting food. I can hardly imagine not being drawn to babies, not wanting to hold them, smell them, feel their heads on my neck.
With Trump in the White House, I'm smiling at strange babies all the time, just to remind myself that there's still something wonderful in the world.
So thank you, Ms Kennedy, for this glimpse into another kind of mind. The world is overpopulated; we need more nonparental types!
205
My dogs paws smell like popcorn. Really good popcorn.
25
Mine, too! And I love the smell, but can’t really say why (I mean, it’s not as if popcorn out of the microwave gives me the same warm, fuzzy feeling).
As for kids, I grew up one of four, and always assumed I would have them. First marriage broke up fairly quickly; second relationship of nearly 10 years ended when I said ‘make a commitment or I’m going to law school’ (‘good luck in law school’ was the response).
Today I am single still and childless. No one in my family ever pressured me to have kids, which was a blessing. I have 8 nieces and nephews and a great niece, and I adore all of them. Thankfully, I never felt that overwhelming, sometimes even desperate desire for a child of my own. I think I would have welcomed children, but my life just didn’t work out that way.
But I’ll always have dogs—and someday, I hope, a few cats and a horse and a goat or two (although maybe that’s just a fantasy from watching too much of ‘The Incredible Dr. Pol’).
7
My dogs smell like bacon...just need a good tomato and we are in business!
@moosemaps
We call it "dog toast" - a wonderful, warm, delicious smell, especially on the top of his golden retriever head.
2
"Reproductive desire seems like a big subject to have been bypassed by researchers."
I think Ms. Kennedy that you may be exaggerating here. Quickly searching the internet I have found much that could be considered relevant in terms of research.
But at the bottom line, though, if there were too many of
you, then there would be nobody.
Most people I know who have children, myself included, have some interest in the continuation of their family line, and this is done best by passing on their DNA.
As for the surgeon you "loath", surgeons cut for a living. Beside manner is not always their forte, but he was trying to do his job and presented you with all options he thought viable. You did your job and got a second opinion. The doctors relate to what they consider normative. You might have preferred that they mind their own business apart from the straight medicine, but many people, especially those who want children, might want additional information.
8
@Joshua Schwartz He was loathable just for that completely sexist comment! I don’t know what ninnies he must always operate on to imagine that a patient needing cyst removal cares about weight loss, or perhaps he misconstrued his patients, or projects his own stereotypes.
2
@Joshua Schwartz I have one child and not the remotest desire to continue my line. For me it was an interesting experience, full stop. And I sincerely hope my son and his girlfriend never have kids themselves.
The surgeon in Pagan's story was an obtuse jerk when he told her she would probably want to know how much weight she would lose after the cyst was removed rather more than when he recommended she get pregnant.
1
That was actually an act of bravery: telling your friends and family that you just did not want children. And predictably, there was shock and anger and rejection in store. I learned to be quiet, about what I saw as my ambivalence. And sometimes mystification ( were the other women really all that overcome with adoration when holding someone else's baby?). I ended up with someone who had had two children and wanted no more, so it served as a reason others would accept without cross examining.( another whole issue: why is it acceptable to drill women about their childlessness?)
But I do respond to big eyes, puppies, kittens and other cute baby animals. Adult animals as well ( but we're told that our dogs, for instance, have evolved to retain a "babylike" countenance,as opposed to their wild cousins). And grandchildren, especially in the toddler stage.
And my dog's paws smell like corn chips.
39
@cheryl
It's absolutely necessary to tell boyfriends and girlfriends; if they want children the two of you aren't compatible and should break up. The writer's boyfriend dumped her for a very good reason, so neither would resent being forced into someone else's best future.
1
I’m a scientist and am excited to learn more about why I’ve never been interested in having children. As a child I played with animals and never dolls. I never thought of myself as “defective”, just different. Knowing your reproductive-spectrum placement is foundational to selecting a health care provider.
49
A psychologist asked me, when I was 36 and wondering whether to have children, “if I said you can never have children, how would you feel?” My response was, “I’d be okay, maybe a bit sad but not devastated.” He then said, “if I said you can never have puppies, kittens, dogs and cats, how would you feel?” I cried, actually I wept and within a week I had two puppies.
Now, a decade later, I cannot imagine a life with children and I have no regrets that I chose puppies over babies. I’m not sure why I prefer a furry family over children, I suspect it is a combination of factors like my mother being cold, my tertiary education in philosophy giving me a pragmatic view on my species - we are just another mammal, none of us matter - and my love of reading, travel, effortless companionship and peace and quiet and a belief that becoming a mother means I lose my identity to motherhood whereas I like who I am without wanting it to disappear into the abyss of parenting.
283
@Kiwi Kate I'm glad you found what works for you, but find it sad that you think people "disappear into the abyss of parenting." People I know find being a parent a rewarding and life affirming state of being (most of the time.)
27
@Kiwi Kate: does this mean you love (other) animals more than human beings? It's an honest question. I certainly understand that motherhood is not exactly the same thing as loving humans, but my question remains. Does human suffering affect you less than animal suffering? Are you vegetarian or vegan? If none of us matter, why care for the puppies?
6
My answer to the question of how I would feel about never being able to have children would always have been "relieved".
I have never had a desire to be a mother. I don't broadcast that it is solely by choice I am childless cause it gets people upset.
Everyone does not have to live the same life.
25
I remember when, in my mid-twenties, I suddenly found babies irresistible. It was like a switch was turned on and I goo-gooed with the best of them. I had mocked people like that in the past. I honestly couldn’t empathize or even sympathize with men and women who didn’t want kids. I thought them cold and broken. Now the switch is off, and I can once again see as perfectly valid the myriad of parenting choices - including to not be one. But when I was in the throes of baby-love, that rational perspective went right out the window. Apologies to the author, she sounds like a terrific person. Her dog, and it’s frito-paws, also sounds awesome.
109
@Rill: there might be a hormonal component, at least for women, as nature would have a motivation in making fertile-age women "baby crazy".
But that doesn't explain why some men feel this way (and others not) and why some completely healthy, fertile women have zero interest in having children while others are driven nearly mad by "baby lust".
2
@Concerned Citizen
Perhaps it's less about hormones and more about DNA.
Congratulations to Ms. Kennedy for her confidence on broaching this topic.
The choices a woman makes about her reproductive life should be respected as other life choices should be. How that relates to cuteness likely has a bit of a “biological advantage” vibe to it. It is difficult to ask some people to care for something that has expansive needs without physical returns after all. Some balk at the idea of pets let alone the commitment and responsibility of a child for 18 years. It would certainly help if we felt bonded in some, more visceral way to hedge our bets as a species. The differences raised between pet and baby lovers in this article teases at that mystery.
I think it erroneous to conflate cuteness/not wanting a baby to issues of gender and identity. Choices like not getting married, not having kids, or strange career paths help define our lives but certainly are separate struggles from the discrimination faced by queer members of our communities.
Further, population decline does happen quietly and then rather quickly in countries (look at Japan and China), but it is not something that should be used as excuse to shame women. At the heart of the matter, it will take discussions like in this article to expose biological essentialist beliefs about reproduction for the continuation of species and then reassert our human and especially feminine
choice to live self-fulfilling lives. With or without cute babies and fluffy puppies.
13
18 years? that is the time when the 'fun'just begins, believe me.
19
I disagree with your assertion that the conscious choice to not have children is substantially different than choices of gender and identify. All throughout history, those who remain childless have been considered “queer” in the literal sense of the word and those who purposely remained childless were the queerest. Why do we think there is such animus against abortion, not only in our culture but around the world? We give tax breaks and extra time off work for breeders, but those who choose not to have children are expected to pay and work more. Mainstream culture treats the childless with pity at best but often with contempt. Perhaps we should consider expanding our definition of queer and the ensuing support and demand for equal treatment for those who have come out of the closet and declared with courage their intent not to breed.
1
...and the college tuition bills.
I've long suspected that cuteness evokes a nurturing response in people.
Cute things—children, some animals, and certain objects—are generally small, approachable, seemingly innocent, and vulnerable.
I've often wondered of some animals have a 'cute response' similar to humans', for the same reasons.
9
I have also always not wanted kids. Over the years, dozens of people have questioned this and always decided that I would one day change my mind. Some have even suggested that my husband would secretly resent me— but he does not want kids either, and we are happy. Others have insisted we would be such great parents, and we are—to our beloved dog.
98
Congratulations to Ms. Kennedy for realizing that she does not want children! This is a decision that every woman, and man, should be able to make without coercion. The great tragedy is that so many people DO have children, whether out of duty or mistaken feelings, or against their will. I suspect that the misgivings/resentment toward unwanted children is manifest in thousands of ways, subtle, and overt. Parenting is not a race; it is not even a marathon. It is a non-ending series of marathons. Hopefully, this piece will provoke thought and help guide people to a realistic decision regarding parenthood.
148
@Tom You are wrong. Reproduction is a race, the human/evolution race. You lose when you fail to reproduce. I am just pointing this out as a fact. However, if I had the power to designate who could reproduce, there'd be a lot fewer humans on this earth.
4
@Tom
Whoever thinks reproduction is not a ruthless, exacting, hardwired evolutionary race has not seen a 30+ yo woman callously swiping through dating app posts.
3
@Tom
Your point about many people having children for the wrong reasons reminds me of a boss I once had, who admitted to me that he didn't really want children, but they were expected of a man in his position (like the trophy wife, the yacht, and the fancy house). So he had two kids as expected, and quickly farmed them out to nannies, then boarding school. Those kids will have every material advantage but never really know their parents. Unfortunately, they will probably figure out sooner or later that their parents didn't really want them, they just did what everyone else did.
7