Coping With a Dieting Relative When You’re a Recovering Anorexic

What a beautiful essay. JoAnna seems to have found a very healthy balance within herself with respect to food, and I applaud her for being able to support her sister's weight loss journey, which sounds totally normal and healthy. Rather than living vicariously through her sister, to me JoAnnna seems to be providing her with the appropriate love, support, and rationality around food and exercise that she was unable to give her younger self. Sometimes it's easier to be kind towards other people than towards ourselves. So I read this not as any kind of unhealthy interaction but as an important step on JoAnna's process of healing.

Reading this left me feeling like she is living vicariously through her younger sister... so dangerous for anyone recovering from an addiction.

A lot of opinions and advice here. People have to figure out what works for them.

Your sister sounds insensitive, not to mention headed toward developing some obssessive and disordered eating patterns herself.

Like all addiction, the end result is intense narcissism. If you don't understand that, what you have to say about it to other people or to yourself is dishonest. And very dull.

Maybe when your sister calls eating chips “being bad,” you could try saying something like “stealing chips is bad — wating them isn’t. Have some chips, enjoy the treat and go back to your regular diet.” Until we stop conflating food with “goodness” and “badness,” eating disorders will continue to proliferate.

I don't understand the last line of this piece. Where did that come from? Did I miss something?

The author hid her purges, her "episodes". Meanwhile with the rise of social media, people are blatantly sharing their personal mistakes. "Hey, I ate some not so good for me ice-cream (read the data on Halo-Top, its NOT a health food!) after, I think I busted a gut on the tread." (yes, perception of effort is not actual effort made, in metabolic terms! sweating and shortness of breath do not equal gains, or losses.) Its amazing how people now share all their mistakes, under the guise of the social media blitz of; "Look at me, Im doing stuff!" "So therefore I must be reaching my goals...by the sheer fact of sharing my efforts." Tell this sister to get back to you all when she's actually lost 80% of that weight, and she knows its fat loss, and not her body shedding water and muscle.

This texting disorder only reinforces the food disorder.

The sisters obsessive need to text everything she eats and every exercise she does seems to me an indication of an emerging or existing eating disorder.

This seems incredibly irresponsible of her sister to be depending on her for a diet or exercise advice given her history. My sister recovered from anorexia 10 years ago and I would not dare mention all my weight nor anyone elses is around her. Words can be triggering and an innocent comment sent my sister into a second bout of anorexia already. Not worth the risk.

Eating too little and eating too much are both eating disorders and both can be life threatening in different ways. Both have a complicated psychology in this body image obsessed world we live in and both should be viewed as a form of self-harm. It is hard to have a healthy relationship with food.

Why are you texting your family of origin all day long, particularly about details of food and exercise? It sounds like there's some other interesting dynamics at play.

To anyone in New York City: There is a SMARTRecovery self-help peer-support meeting with a focus on Eating Disorders tonight (Saturday, March 16th) at 7:30 PM in the Einhorn auditorium of Lenox Hill hospital; direct entrance is at 131 East 76th Street (between Lexington and Park Avenue) . The meeting is open to all and free. But, regardless of whether you go there or seek support elsewhere: while it's possible to deal with overeating, binge eating, compulsive self-starving or bulimia by yourself, it's easier and you're more likely to succeed with the help of others, both professionals and peers.

Eating disorders have a strong genetic component. It is becoming increasingly clear that the energy deficit that results from dieting or over-exercising can trip those who are genetically predisposed into a full blown eating disorder. Your sister is at risk by virtue of her genetics. First degree relatives of those with eating disorders are nearly ten times as likely to develop an eating disorder than those who have no close family members affected. Furthermore, one doesn’t have to be thin for an eating disorder (including anorexia) to develop. Your sister must be very careful of undernourishment.

It sounds to me like your sister's preoccupation with food and exercise, along with her need to confess her self-perceived failures and trumpet her successes, is a sign of a budding (if not full-blown) eating disorder. Those of us commenting here wouldn't have clicked on your essay if we hadn't been down that road. I recognize those signs, and kindly suggest you keep an eye on her.

The sister asks for her consent about talking about these things, and she has given it and although it wouldn’t be true for everyone, she sees it as part of the normalization with food and her family.... I struggle and it’s very hard to be around family members who talk about being fat, lament their food intake, etc. I draw the line and don’t allow this talk around my children to try to break the disordered cycle. However, it’s easier and less complicated to protect them than to protect myseld

Thanks for this! Eating disorders are among the most wide-spread mental health challenges out there, they shorten the lives of millions, and yet are among the least well-known. I would welcome more articles on this topic (eating disorders), also in the Health/Wellness section. Most people, including many physicians, still don't get that eating disorders really are addictive behaviors, and thus involve urges, cravings and triggers, just like any other addiction. The main difference is that with eating and food, and unlike with alcohol or drugs, straightforward abstinence is not an option, if one wants to live, purging in bulimia being a possible exception. Rather, it is overcoming the compulsion to overeat, binge eat, starve oneself, or eat and purge. In a culture that idolizes both food and dieting (body image!) and actively promotes both, that is a challenge.

Add this item to the list of everything you can think of that would be ruined if the disordered eating resumed: osteoporosis, with loss of height as well as risk of bone fractures. My older sister suffered from anorexia in her college years, with milder episodes through her twenties. Now in our sixties, she has loss more than an inch in height due to fragile bones. As a side note, she was not trying to slim down due to body image, and she knew she looked terrible. I never fully understood why she went through this disease, but it seemed to be caused by a need for control, and by depression related to the transition from high school to college.

Brava to you and your sister! I'm a food addict in Recovery (90 pounds down from my top weight and have kept it off for 12 years so far) with a younger sister who has always had a healthy relationship with food. I wear my Program as a loose garment, grateful for its ever-so-gentle protection. As a result I'm able to be in ordinary conversations with my sister, and lots of other people, about food. I don't have to isolate myself from this topic that is so central to life.

I’ve spent the last 5 days in an intensive 5 day Eating Disorder clinic for patients (clients) and their supports (parents, loved ones, siblings and or spouses depending on availability and family dynamics). I’m the parent of the college aged client. It’s been both grueling and illuminating. I’m delighted in the author’s recovery but also concerned with the casual lack of common sense from the whole family. Our cultural obsession with dieting and attaining an unreasonably idealized physique is a toxic stew that triggers an ever increasing number of people and I’m horrified that I’ve been indoctrinated into that culture. My daughter is working hard in her recovery and will spend likely the next YEAR AT LEAST in a variety of programs from PHP (partial hospitalization) to IOP (Intensive out patient) to OP and finally to maintence or weekly therapy/ nutrition counseling sessions. These will involve CBT, DBT, ACT, talk therapy, group therapy etc. On a recent rare outing with friends she was welcomed into a party by the host with a boisterous “ Well look at you skinny minny!” This is seen as totally appropriate-even considered a compliment. We would never think to say “We’ll look at you chubby wubby!” A key ED behavior is isolation which research suggests is motivated by 1) shame and 2) self preservation to avoid exposure to triggers-such as societal obsession with the diet culture and thoughtless comments. Words matter.

Tell her to quit texting you with this stuff! At best, diet talk is extremely tedious. At worst, it's highly destructive.

As the younger sister of a recovering anorexic, I needed this piece. Eating disorders are traumatic; just like other illnesses, we need to recognize the impact on family members and caregivers. I was 15 when my sister, who is three years older, developed an eating disorder. It is only in the past two years that my relationship with my sister (who, after seemingly endless relapses and multiple hospitalizations, is in a truly healthy place today) has recovered. This is because I was recovering, too. Before her eating disorder, my sister was my greatest confidant. She and I were learning how to be in the world together, and with her eating disorder, that relationship crumbled. At the time of life when I most needed to talk to someone about my food and body insecurities, I suddenly couldn’t. There was no more space for these discussions in our home, or at our dinner table. I had to wait until my sister recovered to figure out my relationship with food and my body. I only started to develop healthy eating and exercise habits at 23, when I began to see a life beyond her eating disorder. As much as the author needed to recover and reclaim her body from her eating disorder, her sister did, too. I applaud the author for her recovery, and for recognizing where she needs to put up boundaries and remove herself from the conversation, while also giving her sister the space the heal.

I simply cannot fathom detailing my food choices, exercises, diet plans, etc. to someone in recovery for anorexia. Would you spend all this time detailing your newfound cocktail recipe and craft beer obsession to someone in recovery for alcoholism? Weird.