Mom, I’m Gay. Can My Friends Sleep Over?

Hi everyone. I'm 78 now, and I came out to my parents when I was 17. I have worked in some of the most red-neck industries there are (TV towers and auto mechanics), and I have never lied about who I am. I'm grateful for the acceptance I have received. I encourage gay boys and girls, and gay men and women, to come out, to be who they are. Eventually, the world will discover that we contribute as much to their world as anyone else, maybe more in some cases. We are in this world together.

hi i'm Bob and i am gay but i haven't come out yet my parents think i'm straight and have never allowed me to have a sleepover with girls other than my cousins. But i have had sleepovers with boys often i have had crushes on a few of them but nobody knew.

My parents had always allowed sleepovers with anyone, so long as they knew the friend and their parents. That never changed, even when I came out as lesbian. In 6th grade, I was experimental with one of my friends, but she was in 4th grade, and we were just confused. We were intimate, but never sexual (especially considering our age). We slept without shirts, cuddled, said I love you, and almost kissed once. At some point, the two of us backed off. We were confused about our sexuality and thought we were being clingy. In 7th grade, I was in my first relationship. In my area, 6th grade is in elementary school and 7th is middle school, so we were in different schools at the time. I had her over a few times, but all we ever did was cuddle and kiss each other on the cheek. Those were my only experiences with anything remotely sexual at a sleepover. The problem when parents ban sleepovers of the gender(s) you're attracted to is that for lgbt+ kids, it usually means not being able to have a sleepover with most or all of their friends. My closest friends are all girls; Some lgbt+, some not, and some unsure. What I know is that I'd hate to be restricted from sleepovers with the majority of my friends for liking a few girls. I had already been restricted in the past with sleepovers due to sleeping/bladder issues, causing me to wet the bed extremely frequently until I was around 13 yo. I'm glad That my parents have let me sleepover with all of my friends throughout my childhood.

My child is bisexual, and we haven't made any restrictions on sleepovers. Not only would it make her feel singled-out and punished for coming out, but particularly in a group setting I don't worry about what goes on. Even if she had a girlfriend (or a boyfriend for that matter, with some extra advice to avoid pregnancy if things went that far) I'd be inclined to give them a safe place to explore. I remember being a teen, and restrictions or no restrictions we always seemed to find a way to have sex...just without a safe place where we could take things slowly and make sure we were being careful, not to mention being unable to talk about it with our parents and get advice. A safe place to explore is especially important for LGBT youth, who unlike heterosexual couples may not feel comfortable or safe being affectionate in public spaces, and be even more reluctant to ask others for advice.

As the parent of a mid-teen who demonstrates bi-sexual relationships, the place of sleepover is ever evolving, but we keep it simple. We talk about the nature of the relationship with the sleepover friend. We give trust and value the teen’s opinions and desires. Friendships are important and sleepovers are naturally a desired part of maturing and maintaining these relationships. Sure, there have been minor crossings of boundaries, but keep these boundaries is relative perspective and not take the crossings as a life-altering an complete breakdown of trust. Practically, we encourage group sleepovers, and it’s convenient that this is in the living room, which is more “public” and also uses peers as part of the social dynamic and keeps the sleepovers light and more of an event without pressures to cross boundaries. I agree with the author that keeping them in our own home affords more comfort, but we don’t enforce this with an iron fist, but rather we allow this when we know the other parents. In our community, there are very few stigmas with teen LGBTQ relationships, and if there are, we know fully well that the teen is already weeding out in the friend base. We feel fortunate in this way. Also, with younger siblings who are demonstrating heterosexually, we also maintain that sleepovers with attracted kids is permitted, but again within the same rules, discussions and understanding. We push hard to not shift attitudes between kids due to their gender desires.

My first thought would be that I’m pleased that my child has enough friends to even consider having a sleepover. My second thought would be that this is your mother and my house, and we don’t want any kind of social gathering taking place, because when we are done with the workweek, we are done—which may explain the first.

I was disappointed the article didn’t address the potential consequences of a sleepover if the other kids’ parents aren’t aware of your kid’s orientation. Perhaps it was assumed that you would contact all the parents and let them know your kid is gay, but not all kids want to be that out, especially at a young age. But there can be serious ramifications if it gets out and the parents get ugly. They can, however falsely, accuse your child of sexual assault, which depending on their ages can result in your child being labeled a sexual predator. If the other child comes out later on, your child can be accused of “recruiting” another child leading to them being shunned in their school, church or community. So it’s very important to make sure that all the parents are comfortable with the friendship or the relationship before having sleepovers or dating.

I came out to my family six years ago, when I was 13, and they banned all sleepovers from that point on. I had told them that I like women, but they didn’t just stop me from having sleepovers with girls. After I came out, they wouldn’t even let me have a sleepover with my best friend of many years, who was also out as a gay male. Neither of us could be attracted to each other (I didn’t like men and he was a man, and he only liked men and I was not one) but he was no longer allowed to spend the night. All my friends had to have sleepovers without me, and I felt like I wasn’t as close to them because I was excluded from all those events.

Parents' fear of sexual experimentation is the real problem here. Bullying issues aside, if kids are equipped with confidence and knowledge of sexuality, they're mostly like safe among trusted friends. And you can't control this stuff anyhow. In the 80's, my little group of 12-year old, straight-identified, girl friends kissed and touched quite sexually at sleep-overs. It was a regular thing is this friend group. But we never spoke of it because we were ashamed. And, because of shame, I can't know whether my experience is common, but I do know that kids will and in fact should experiment with peers. It's simply futile to try control your kid's sexual experimentation with limits based on gender.

Families should do what they think is best, some communities are more conservative than others. My daughter has coed sleepovers all the time. My feeling is, if they are close enough to want to spend 12-18 hours together, they are close enough to respect each other and each other’s needs. I am seeing that now they are teens they aren’t keeping friendships that aren’t meaningful to them. So those who are sleeping over are real friends. Btw, she’s gay, her bestie is transgender (and yes his binder needs are a thing) and others are straight. I am incredibly glad they have such a beautiful relationship with each other. Even at 3am.

I'm interested in the fact that your article doesn't address a LGBTQ youth having a sleepover with a friend of the opposite sex. My 13 year-old-son, who is gay, is close friends almost exclusively with girls. At this point in his life, he has more in common with them than he does straight boys. He always wants to have sleepovers with his girlfriends for the reasons expressed in the article - non-digital bonding time. However, I have found that most of the girls' parents won't allow this - some of them question how my son can possibly know that he is gay at his age (my answer - he absolutely can), and one has even told his daughter that he thinks my son is pretending to be gay so that he can "hook up" with her! Luckily, our son's best girlfriend's parents are fine with the sleepovers, at both of our houses, which is great. I just wish that more parents were as understanding.

I was inclined to think that my son’s best friend was gay. This was in the early 90’s when teenagers were not encouraged to come out. And so I talked to my child about people and behaviors and how to react. And then he had many sleepovers with his friend. This friend finally came out in college, attended my son’s wedding with his partner and the kids have always remained friends.

If the friends in the sleepover group are close enough to share a bedroom, wouldn't that mean they're also close enough not to be jerks to each other? If the concern is outing and bullying, then maybe these particular friends aren't friends enough and aren't worth sleeping over with in the first place. I consider sleepovers to be an intimate social event between a few very close friends - close enough to trust and respect each other. Not a general invitation to whoever. I wouldn't include somebody who doesn't fit that bill into a sleepover - that's what I thought when I was a teen, and that's what I still think now as a parent. So, while those parents' fears are legitimate, maybe they should question the guest list, not the sleepover as a practice. If the friends know your kid's sexuality/identity and are supportive of it, and are generally good friends and trustworthy hosts/guests, then I see no problem with a sleepover. But your kid has to know and approve of the guest list before joining.