Dear David
How was your visit to our website/coffee shop/tire dealer/airport? Did you find/buy what you were looking for? If not, how about this washing machine/harmonica/hotel room?
Please fill out this short 82 question survey on our service/cupcakes/paint brush. Or like us on Yelp/Yikes!/Facebook/Instagam/Russian bride rating site.
Have a nice day!
10
Brooks' Complaint
After recognizing the illogical, absurd, self-serving, Catch-22, Kafkaesque environment he was immersed in, David's initial amusement changed to anxiety as he realized he was trapped in this living hell with no possibility of escape. He contemplated waiting for Godot, but upon reflection realized there was no exit.
"L' enfer, c'est les autres" (Hell is other people).
3
Customer Satisfaction Surveys From Hell, or, in this case, Toyota.
Toyota has designed an excellent survey instrument to assess my satisfaction with my new Prius C. It includes detailed queries on ergonomics, performance, fit and finish, and smart questions about how to improve future models.
This is information I want Toyota's engineers to see. What's the problem? You can't complete the survey and send it unless you give details about your completely unrelated shopping and spending habits. What brand of phone do you have? When do you plan to replace it? etc, etc.
This is my third Prius, and Toyota will never see my surveys because I refuse to give them data which they obviously intend to sell to a third-party.
15
"As you know, away messages are the most dishonest form of modern communications."
No. The most dishonest and, by far, most often repeated bit of modern communication is: "Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed."
15
A month or so ago I received a request from Costco to review socks that I had purchased as a Christmas gift for a friend. The review page at the website included the product page and the price, six pair for $17.99. I said in my review that they were a great deal at $3/pair. A day later I received an e-mail from Costco informing me that my review had been rejected because it mentioned the price. Huh??!! I wrote them back stating that I had written a fair and honest review, but that it would be my last. Live and learn.
3
I love security questions like: what is your favorite song from the 1980's? What is the last scary movie you've seen? Where do you like to go on vacation? You know, questions with answers that might change on a daily basis.
Then, to reset your password, you get an unreadable "Capcha" code. Is that an upper or lower case "c"? A one or a lower case L? A o,O, or 0? I couldn't tell even back when I was able to see.
Of one thing I can be certain: I'll run out of tries before I guess correctly.
14
Bravo, David! Just the lift I needed on a Friday afternoon.
8
I got email solicitations from my father's alma mater for two decades after he died, probably because we have almost the same name.
But David, just in case you email me later this month, you should know that the out-of-office reply you will receive is legit: I will be in Patagonia, where even my dearest friends and closest relatives will not be able to contact me.
Just don't want you to take it personally ;-)
4
Oh, I liked this one, Mr. Brooks. Thought I would let you know.
5
What can one say, except to quote Warren Zevon's song?
"Poor, poor, pitiful me."
1
In such an impersonal and analytic age, it’s re-assuring to know how much the GOP still values and tends to its flock...
Several times, they’d had John McCain e-mail me up personally – last few seeking contributions for a special campaign to establish limits on campaign contributions...
Perhaps if I double my recent pledging – they’d cajole Sean Hannity reaching out to tête-à-tête with yours truly...
As always, David, brilliant ideas shoot into my head when I read your column – or when a seam opens up in the tin-foil with which I’ve wrapped my printer and scanner...
This just in...
Right-wing Evening News Robots...
Given what some of today’s bots look already look like and say – only very minor adjustments needed...
For instance, when commenting on news-videos, they’d have to be programmed to grimace slightly whenever:
> Trump uses the words “no” and “wall” in the same sentence
> AOC promises to make Amtrak, Netflix, epi-pens – or all three at once – free
> Sanders says he was too busy feeling and groping his way to the Dem nomination, to have noticed any other feeling and groping occurring elsewhere on the trail
But – then a nagging question arose...
So – just give me a moment to crimp the privacy protection together one more time...Back...
The question:
If some guy news executive gropes a female right-wing evening news bot...
Does the settlement have to be paid in cryptocurrency...
This enquiring mind wants to know...
Qiana shirt! I love you Mr. Brooks. This was very, very funny.
4
Why . . . number one, of course.
So, you have a sense of humor also.
1
That was excellent Mr. Brooks, I needed a good laugh, so I thank you.
3
What happened to: “Say what you mean; mean what you say”?
1
Hi, this is David Brooks. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm writing a column about complaining about out of office messages. Yes, it is a useless column that people will forget before they are finished reading it. No, it did not require much thought, effort or talent to write, but it is a departure from my usual columns.
I will return your message as soon as I can, unless I don't.
Bye.
1
Dear David:
You've "punched" all the things I most often carp about (yes, I know that's a grammatically incorrect sentence, but I don't want to appear "aloof".) I laughed at your column...and many of the responses I read. I will not stop laughing until I see you on PBS "Newshour" this evening, when you'll be giving us your usual lucid explanations and comments about the current "shambles" in Washington. My favourite "away" message (so far, anyway) was the recent one when I called my phone company to complain about some unwarranted charges..."You call is very important to us; you are an important customer for xx years and we value your commitment to our service. You may leave a phone number for our agent to call you back within the next 24 hours, or, If you wish an immediate response, please use our online live-person "chat" app. Go to 'XXX company @ xxxphone company.org' and click on "livechat" . Your expected wait time for the "immediate" chat agent is approximately 34 minutes and 29 seconds. Thank you for being a valued 'XXX company' customer". I hung up!
2
This is the truth as I've lived it. Well done.
3
So funny! What troubles me most about this column is the fact that we can't really take a vacation anymore. David is right: when someone (typically at work) we will benefit from responding to contacts us, we will generally be compelled to respond in a timely fashion. So much for true relaxation. Only 20 years ago, people took real vacations. Out of the office actually meant: OUT OF THE OFFICE!! No more!!
2
I love customer surveys asking me to rate my experience in thirteen questions about the time I waited on hold for fifteen minutes after navigating seven levels of menu and entering my name date of birth, place of birth, membership number, zip code and grandmother's favorite color, all so I can speak to someone who will ask me to confirm each of those things again, before telling me to call back next Tuesday. The survey won't, of course, ask about any of that infuriating harassment, but will ask me to rate, on a scale of seventeen to twenty-nine, how satisfied I was with the human's recitation of "Thank you for calling Useless Enterprises."
4
I am far more offended that businesses are able to email me and Robo-call me with impunity, taking up my valuable time, but without the slightest willingness to pay a live human being to do it.
The greatest tragedy of our time is that a business dies not have equal rights to those of a citizen, but superior.
5
Once upon a time before internet advertisement I received a letter from my bank - a quite large one -, wanting to sell me some kind of insurance. The letter was auto signed with the first and last name and the title "President of . ....", yet addressed me by my first name.
I sent a letter back to "President So-and-So" politely telling him that a company should not address a customer by their first name, but in case he and I had played in the sandbox together he most certainly could use my first name.
A week later I received a letter of apology, with the president blaming it on the staff. From then on the bank addressed all customers by their full name.
In my opinion, complaining by email and over the phone about lousy customer service won't make any difference. Writing a letter to the top leadership of a company though might.
7
Had no idea you have a sense of humor! Let's see more of it. Every little bit helps.
7
Before long, the survey bot will be responded to by the away message bot. Bunch of worthless, meaningless communication in the network never to see a human eye.
And then they realize how they've been abused and overthrow us.
4
Today's survey: Did you feel the CS Rep cared about you?
Me: I don't need her to care about me, I just need her to fix the problem!
12
Thanks for the belly laughs. I needed that
Karen C
2
Before you go, please tell us why you have unsubscribed.
A. I no longer wish to receive these emails.
etc. etc.
(Supidest choice ever. Why would I be unsubscribing if I wanted to continue receiving these emails?)
2
@Loudmouthlime: My current issue is that I'm retiring, and I've been unsubscribing from emails related to my work - auto-generated announcements, newsletters and such, not those from real people. There's no "why" checkbox for that.
And, it's just me, but I get this twinge that I'm offending the newsletter by telling it I don't want it any more...
1
I laughed right out loud.
1
Agree with all your examples except the first. If you choose to never break the electronic tether even if you are sick or taking badly needed time off, that is your choice. Just don't try to impose your sick myopia on the rest of us. As a sender, I'd much rather know someone is gone and when I should next contact them than not know they are out of pocket. As a recipient, I may check email a time or two for anything critical, knowing that no response will be expected until I get back but being able to judge from the sender and topic is too critical to wait that long. If you don't like being but in the "wait 'til I get back" category, maybe you need to re-evaluate your true status in that individual's grand cheme of things.
2
Obviously the headline writer was puzzled by the piece -- so was I.
I think David is bemoaning a certain lack of authenticity in modern communications. No doubt this explains the reason for the breakdown in former taboos regarding profanity and obscenity in the workplace, in business communication and among persons. A good blast of it is the sane reaction to any of the formulaic bafflegab David parodies.
Or perhaps, we could try to return to a more polite and m less mechanistic manner of dealing with others.
1
Reading this column was:
3. Worthy of Russell Baker. RIP.
I'm at my desk for another two hours and answering all emails promptly, if you need to reach me.
3
Absolutely perfect! Thank you.
2
oh bravo bravo. thank you for such a broad and effective punch at the angst of trying to be a real person and find real people in our time. Laughed harder than at any of the late night guys I try unsuccessfuly to watch hoping to balm my pain with their humor. THANK YOU. You understood and gave voice ! What is astonishing is to -- now and then -- review the deep concern that animated so many 19th century writers regarding the alienation and disengagement they witnessed. The tip of the iceberg. Social change - good and bad - spins out over not decades but centuries.
1
Dear Mr. Brools
As per your recent column I found myself wishing I had not used my spare time in its perusal and will now be unable to recover it. Such a waste. Rest assured I will in the future pursue more productive articles from you as I believe you have reached rock bottom and can only move upward and onward from there. Looking forward to your new direction.
I love getting a request written in french from amazon.fr (France) to rate the product and the delivery service of the product I've just received from them. I write the entire commentary in English. Then I get another email from them, in French, telling me that they can't post that commentary because it is written in English. Do I want to translate it and resubmit? Nope, I don't.
2
I just hate when I get 50 requests for review of a most innocuous product, like band-aids or or a pack of batteries.
Then there's this one:
"I am on the phone or away from my desk, but your message is very important to me...blah, blah, blah"
When I hear "your message is very important to me" I KNOW I will never hear from them ever again, that our Sun will go super-nova before then!
45
I excel at being unable to come up with whatever password I am supposed to remember and even better have no idea what the answers are to the questions that verify who "I am". Rest assured I know myself very well.
What if the person who set up the automatic reply really is on vacation? Does that not count for anything anymore? The real problem, it seems to me, is that the workplace now expects everyone to be on duty 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Even retirement is in jeopardy.
5
Perfect, thanks. It's a shame we all share so much of this. Think back to the days of "Personal Service", sigh.
4
Nice to have something light in the opinion section instead of the mind numbing drumming about an individual who shall go unnamed. My personal away message dishonor was the discovery after venting pent up frustration over several months of unanswered messages on a voice mail that the owner of said voice mailbox had died. Don't make assumptions was the lesson?
1
All I can say is, thank you, David, for this column. We've all been there, and we will all be there again, and again, and again....
6
I am an ESL learner. I confess that there are a few times I just don't get it. Reading "The Moral Indecency of the Away Message," I thought I had missed a last minute event, and someone really important, i.e. at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., went away in a perhaps dishonorable manner. I was wrong. I just wonder if one or two of those "Soulless Large Airlines" will listen to Brooks' hint.
However, I wonder if there is a not quite hidden feeling of "resistance, revenge or retribution" lurking under the first signature, "Nancy Networker."
Still, an enjoyable piece. Thank you David Brooks.
4
Thanks for the laughs, David. Your sample correspondences are uncomfortably close to the reality under the glossy surface. Love your columns and your point of view (most of the time!).
4
We do not have anything nearly has humorous as this column and the shared comments. However, when people call us on our LAN line and the caller ID voice comes on, it gets a bit strange. An invalid call is said to be possibly in the ICU or Hospice, it is an in-valid number calling. Every once in awhile a unidentified number is calling. For something completely different, there is going online to a manufacturer's web site and going through the long list of registration and passwords and security pictures and names until the chat page is reached. For me this was trying to find out about a broken hot water tank and printer. After 20 minutes I politely told the Warranty expired, no repairs possible.
This is nothing new. In the pre-internet, pre-telephone era, when someone of the business or professional classes on up called at someone else's house, the resident there would be "in" for some callers, and "out" for others. And, if the out-of-office message includes and alternative person to contact, it's a good deal more courteous than simply no reply at all.
Best column you've written in a long time Mr. Brooks. These are the little issues we all can agree drive us crazy, no matter our political leanings. Thank you. I would only add one thing: A letter from my health insurance company's "wellness enhancer" which "helpfully" informs me that I am required to fill out endless surveys and track my "wellness" points in order to receive discounts on my co-pays at the doctor. Apparently we are no longer trusted to exercise without monitoring and recording every single second. (And they would be so happy to also be linked in to my wristband "fitness tracker" too! Isn't that nice?) I am also required to list every fruit and vegetable I eat, how often I eat out, every drop of alcohol that passes through my lips and whether I am participating in "calming" directives or apps. Needless to say, I would rather be stuck with the larger co-pay then spend all kinds of time tracking all my movements, activities, meals and whether or not I felt calm while doing so. Spare us all the Big Brother oversights insurance companies of America! We already distrust you and are on the verge of voting for anyone who will get you permanently out of our lives, so your oh-so-helpful "wellness tracking programs" can go, well, you know where. Maybe a column on them next Mr. Brooks?
4
Dear Sir or Madam,
Thank you for writing this column. Your opinion is important to us as we continue to build our brand around the values of our valued customers, whose feedback is vital to our efforts to optimally frame our operational paradigm. Please rest assured that we care about what you have to say, and will use every word of this piece to target advertising to you in every single sphere of your life. If you'd like to make a tax deductible donation of either your first born child or your soul, please know it is greatly appreciated and will help us continue our important work in right sizing the utility of our market actualization protocols and brand saturation initiatives in critical distribution sectors worldwide.
P.S. We love you more than words can express, Sir or Madam.
10
Awesomeness. Pure awesomeness.
4
I don't check my work email when I'm on vacation. David Brooks would also have to wait for my response.
1
Dear Columnist,
Thank you for writing this column. I hope you do not mind that in the coming year I will practice my writing every morning telling you why your column's are full of themselves.
I have to do something while eating my Greek Yogurt, the real stuff drained from goat yogurt the way my mother and her mother did in a cheesecloth for days. Not that stuff sold in the stores that bears no resemblance to the real thing.
Sorry I digress.
Reading the NY Times online in the morning is not my preferred method. I would prefer a real paper version. You do not get paid when I read it using Tor and go through Russia, Germany and France from San Francisco to read it for free.
But your publisher cannot get a actual newspaper on my front stoop in our flat here. He can only get it on the sidewalk in front of the building. In the big city that does not work as the general public gets my paper if I spend the money. A good deal for you and a bad deal for me.
So, until tomorrow then. I am in your service. JD.
1
What a gr8 piece! Nice to hear about an issue that crosses political lines. Next let's deal with robocalls which affect rich and poor alike. I know my credit is fine, so why are you calling. No, I don't have any judgments so I am not calling immediately. What happened to the days when it was a real person and you could just end it by asking for THEIR number so you could call them back...at 2:30 a.m? My wife and I have Friday early evening reserved for you on PBS. Why does it seem that the political differences between "my team" and "your team" (as well as the GOP peeps on MSNBC) have shrunk to nothing? Has Trump created a new party, "The Center"? I listen to you, Schmidt, Wallace, Steele, Joe, and even Kristol and I want to scream the iconic words of Mick Jagger at Altamont, "Brothers and Sisters! Why are we fighting and what for?"
1
Mr. Brooks
As a "faithful" reader of your writing, bravo. Sometimes, angered by denial of the righteous path,...fill in blank here...I throw the computer screen into the next room, but all is good and soon I return for more. So "Dear Writer" from "Dear Reader" keep on the path.
1
Dear David,
This is my on vacation response to your column. When you have something to say that matters, I will be happy to respond in person. Till then, good luck with your writing.
B.
Dear Mr. David Brooks
We would like our corporate retreat powerpoint back.
Sincerely, 1997
1
It was fun reading the humor column of a UC grad--you could write for The Gargoyle! It reminds me that the promise of eternal life and/or eternal damnation now seems to lie in the never-ending loop of our digital existences. Holy cow!
1
Spot on, Mr Brooks! Thank you.
1
Not only am I "Immortal Sun God", but they upgraded my credit card from Adamantium to Vibranium.
3
@Peggy Barroll: Nice, but mine is Dilithium Crystal.
1
Is the customer survey about your column an either-or choice?
It's about time I answer one of these and I want to do it right.
Dear Columnist,
The President of the United States is an evil, climate crisis denying liar. He and the others like him are traitors to all of mankind and a war on our children. Yet somehow you manage to notice the moral indecency of impersonal messages. I think that in itself if morally indecent.
Sincerely,
Reader
Mr. Brooks, you missed your calling. Who knew you could be so hilarious?
Based on the dreary title and depressing photo, I almost didn’t read this, expecting another downer of a cultural treatise. I’m glad I persisted. Thank you for a much-needed belly-laugh this morning.
3
More of this ! Please!
Please do also team up with Gail Collins and make the frontpage of April 1st's edition!
1
Dear Mr. Brooks, please do more of these....how about one musing on the "our menu uptions have changed" line?
4
@Ellen
Make that "Our menu options have changed". Typo.
1
Very Funny.
2
Spot on!!! Here's to the gate keepers!!! Dilly, Dilly!
Huh? This has just now become an item of interest for Mr. Brooks? Has he been living on "an island" for the last decade?
:-)
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold.
2
I choose option 1 in your survey David. Thank you!
The "big lie" used to to be "the check is in the mail". Now it's "your call is important to us."
2
That's it. David has finally snapped.
What you write about when you've finally, completely, exhaustively, entirely run out of ways to defend the disaster conservative politics have wreaked on modern society.
2
"Turn on, tune in and drop out." Good ol' Marshall McLuan. We have choices, so rage against the machine, David! Run naked through the meadows and let your freak flag fly. Ah the rigors of complying to a life that assumes one's own sense of importance.
Stop whining. The fattest, most endlessly indulgent populace in the world moans about the inconveniences and moral choices brought on by an out of office response. You bought in to this mindless diversions with all your passwords and secret answers.
Blame the system, not yourself? Have you lost control of your life and spirituality? Not helpful, just more complaining. Stop already.
LOL Love it!
Here is one based on a recent experience:
Dear Business Customer,
We were bored today, so we decided to ask for a bunch of documents we'll let you know about shortly to prove you are really you. We know that we've done business for years with absolutely no issues, but as I said, we're bored and thought it would be amusing. Here's what we want:
A utility bill, but it has to have your name on it exactly like we have it. For example, if they put "Inc." after your name or abbreviated any part of your name and we don't, into the shredder it goes.
A certificate from your state attesting to the fact that your corporation is in good standing. Oh, by the way, it has to have your firm's EIN on it. Yes, we know your state does not include that in their Certificates of Good Standing, but it made us laugh to request it.
Proof that your president is not really Elvis Presley alive and well despite all those rumors of his demise.
Oh, by the way, when you sent the last thing in we asked for more, but we turned off the link we sent you were you could upload the documents we ask for. We've set a deadline too, but since we know we've made it impossible for you to meet it we are going to put your account into a black hole somewhere right away.
With warmest regards,
Lucrezia Borgia
Customer Service
1
Your sense of humor rises almost to the level of your political integrity, which is almost as lofty as your intellect. Almost.
I have some clouds over my house and kids on my lawn if Mr. Brooks would like to come over and shake his fist at them.
3
While you were away...
Lar commented: Good Column!
2
While amusing, this column seems like it might be one written when the inspiration struck, then stuffed in the back pocket for a day when something more relevant was not forthcoming.
Definitely Boston
Now, see? When he's not spewing vapid philosophy, who knew that David Brooks might actually be funny?
This is a much better look for you, sir.
1
Nice turn at a bit if humor. Has anyone warned Gail Collins about this turn in your career?
1
I give this editorial a nine out of possible 10.
Will I have free cookies mailed to my home?
Or will I receive some sort of discount from NYT?
How many points will I get for this review?
How long can I let them accumulate before they expire?
2
Dear David,
We never knew you had it in you. More! More!
2
Dear Columnist,
I had no idea you ran for the senate, and won!
Congratulations! If you never hear from me again, have a good rest of your life.
1
David, when you put me into hysterics at Chautauqua a few years ago I realized that at some point you would need to make a choice between being profound twice a week or launching a career in stand-up comedy. Since you have now exhausted all the profound things you could possibly say in these pages, maybe it's time to make the change.
1
This is what you've been reduced to? Andy Rooney level whining?
1
David - Did you have a tough week? Chill....unplug......it will get better. Get some CBD oil and it will all be fine.
Another incisive piece, David. Most of us are so busy and distracted by work and our 1000 virtual-friends on social media that we are forgetting how to have real relationships with real people. In Costco the other day, I swear each person I passed with a shopping cart was detached from their body, as if their consciousness were floating around somewhere else. I like to acknowledge people as I pass them, smile and nod warmly, but not a single person met my eyes. Something is wrong and we need to fix it before we all lose our souls.
Dear co-commenters of the NYT, swarming in the balmy Spring weather of DB's luxuriant verbiage, thank you for emerging.
I love you all.
MiH
1
So you say,
said supposed
select soothsayer
has a
sense of humor?
Mr. Brooks - You're such a self-righteous, hypocritical finger-wagging whinner. Where, sir, in this column is the tolerance for differences in social interaction that you cried out for in a column only a few weeks ago?
1
David Brooks has a sense of humor? Who knew!?
David, you appear to have scored a ten with this column. Perhaps you should consider sticking to this genre instead of political columns?
1
Excellect. Thank you, David.
2
David Brooks' best column!
2
Dear David Brooks,
I just don't have the steam to rate my experience today. I'm too tuckered out after watching last night's SOTU address, and being busy today looking for socialists under my bed.
2
Dear student,
I see no point in answering your email inquiry about matters covered thoroughly in the syllabus and gone over in painstaking detail on the first day of class when you chose not to show up. However, I will send it anyway as a form of ritual humiliation and a warning to your friends to whom you will complain about my callousness after you post a bad review on Ratemyprofessorsdotcom.
1
Brilliant, David!
2
Applause.
David,
I see that you too need a break from the insanity and have retreated to the trivial. Not a criticism of you, but an exemplar for the rest of us.
2
This is hysterical. If you don’t see yourself in it somewhere, then I doubt you are a person that reads NY Times columnists and you would not be in the comment section.
The irony... I turned to my morning reading for a more calming breakfast experience after expletive peppered attempts at getting on to Airbnb via my Facebook account.
Thank you.
Tom Friedman, in his recent book, Thank You for Being Late, quoted an expert in the field of burgeoning software, “Complexity is free.”
Ha, ha.
[Credits to Matt Groening]
“Thank you for calling the RNC’s asylum and anti-Mulsim... ... ... ... ... terrorist hotline. If you need to report an instance of KKK, Confederate or Nazi domestic terrorism in your neighborhood, please hang up now and stop persecuting the fine people celebrating their heritage. Otherwise, please choose one of the following two options:
If you are an MS-13 asylum-seeker or Muslim terrorist and would like to surrender yourself and your child to Stephen Miller or Mike Pompeo for indefinite separation and/or enhanced interrogation (as applicable), please press “1” now. If not, please press “2”.
You have selected “2,” meaning you are an MS-13 asylum-seeker or Muslim terrorist, but you do not wish to surrender yourself to Stephen Miller’s or Mike Pompeo’s just punishment. Your fair and balanced confession is appreciated, non-citizen. Sheriff Joe and an ICE raid team are en route to your location. Thank you.
While you wait, please press “1” now if you are satisfied with the service you have received and are willing to answer some short survey questions about your presumably fraudulent ballot in the 2016 election without us needing to waterboard you. If not, please press “2”...
I feel sorry for the person from drivers ed. sounds like a real charmer
Your morality, or amorality...the choice is ours. I'll be away when you read this, unable to clarify or deny. Good bye, or is it by, by.
Leave the satire to Carrot Top and stick to what you know: book reports so you don't have to admit that your brand of conservatism is what is morally indecent.
1
Stick to comedy. Not bad.
Journey’s success is inexplicable. Then Boston. But come on, Supertramp was legit, up until Breakfast.
2.
hilarious!!
1
David you rarely make me laugh, but today...
1
was that supposed to be funny or something?
Brave New World...
The Lonely Crowd...
The Informed Heart...
On Liberty
Hadrian’s Memoir.
Aeropatetica
Common Sense
Animal Farm
Dear Jeff Bexos... I buy your act 100%...
Dear Mr. President, please find a way to apologise...
And resign.
Phoning it in David?
When in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes...
I all alone beweep my outcast state...
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries...
And look upon myself and curse my fate...
Then...
I turn on my computer and hope...
Against hope...
That I will hear from a friend... just one.
Of Friendship.. 1726
Francis Bacon...
Pretty funny, David. You must have enjoyed writing it.
But,.. have people not been returning your e-mails?
1
Dear David,
For you and your columns, option 2.
Spot ON!
1
David Brooks, you digress! Is this your tipover into curmudgeon? If so, you are entitled. And you've earned it too!
Looking forward to more creative perspectives from curmudgeonland.
2
Dear Commenters on David Brooks's Columns,
Thank you for all of your hard work and indentured servitude. Your prose is crisp and flaccid, edifying and asinine, hilarious and sad, lively and dull. We regret we are unable to offer you money in exchange for your comments, but we trust you find the experience satisfying, and we are grateful for your thoughtfulness.
-- All the best!
Anonymous Commenter
A simple busy signal would work just fine.
Dear Soulless Large Airline,
1. My bellybuttons
2. Memento vivere
3. Boston
4. Anakin
Aw, Supertramp's not so bad...
Hey David, those coaching sessions with Gail Collins are really paying off.
3
@JimB I noticed that too, apparently it was a remedial peer-mentoring program. Or else someone got him a Dave Barry anthology for XMas.
3
I’m sure I should know but I do not: why is a photo of Lee Friedlander at the top of this column? Thank you, in advance.
@Jennifer C
It is from the series 'At Work' showing people in a number of different vocations doing work. Since away messages are associated with office work, a relevant picture was chosen that shows the blank expression of someone staring into a computer screen.
https://fraenkelgallery.com/portfolios/at-work
David Brooks, who used to passionately defend conservative Republicans in his columns, has now become the Seinfeld of the NY Times. I.e., a guy who can effectively entertain us with columns about "nothing." Since writing about "something" might involve defending today's disgrace of a Republican party, that seems like a pretty good strategy!
3
Dear David,
You are a light in the darkness, a comfort in my old age except when you write inexplicable things like this about our inexplicable society, then you are evil incarnate or maybe just annoyingly funny. Have a nice day.
With deepest respect,
a reader
May I confess a terrible sin ? When I get a telephone call trying to sell me something I don't need/want/like, or trying to get my opinion on something or other, I play dumb, sexually interested, or somewhat metally impared.
I know that the poor souls phoning me need to earn a living, but the way they go about it is so wrong that I try to enjoy it. For a while I thought they would put my name on some universal Don't Phone That Moron list. Not so.
Am I forgiven ?
1
5thThe moral indecency of giving overwrought titles to mildly funny essays about everyday irritating encounters with emanations of other people's foibles or businesses' marketing attempts. Perhaps the task of titling essays at the NYT belongs to the editor not the columnist, and if so, the titler of this essay must have been poking a stick at David Brooks' particular talent for setting up straw men or women, mostly liberal, to exercise his talent at smug high minded satirical musings in his books and essays. Yet, David, the moral indecencies are being practiced by you conservative cohorts. In these Trumpist times, I find the overstatements, however "funny," truly galling.
2
Brilliant
1
Like so many journalists, Mr. Brooks should avoid trying to inject humor into his columns. Spare us, please!
1
Best D.B. column ever!!!
1
I'd be writing one of these dastardly away notes myself soon enough, moral indecency of it all be damned.
I hope to have a job to come back to post-hols; I will be adhering to the "I can't reply because I am travelling" rule.
Wish me luck.
This has to be the only indignity poor David has written about of which the cause wasn't blamed on his being a Republican. He somehow managed to tap into the universal hell of digital communications so perfectly that everyone forgot who wrote it. Enjoy this fleeting moment of reader sunshine, David. Hopefully my made-in-jest observation won't trigger a maelstrom.
1
Brilliant
1
Having had the recent hacking experience from hell, I sought new email services. I got into so many entanglements but could not believe that the security efforts reached the ridiculous. After answering many questions and checking boxes to prove I was human, I would receive a notation that they did not believe who I was and would have to provide topics of the last five emails I had received and the contents of the emails. I thought this was a joke. This email service was denying me access to the emails about which they were asking me. The final blow would have been if the service asked me to complete a survey about its competence.
This is another example of how language itself and the means of communication are now being used to block and frustrate communication, which is humankind's greatest tool for solving problems.
I recently stumbled upon the movie, "Downsizing," with Matt Damon and a remarkable young actress Hong Chau, who plays a Vietnamese political refugee with one leg who was literally shrunken by her captors in Vietnam. She's what is called a "word speaker." She speaks in nouns, verbs, and expressions that she picks up on the fly as she experiences life, and she flings them back in the most amazing and effective ways (and funny, too). Forget proper pronunciation or intonation. It was brilliant writing and acting, but the important point is that she always has something important to do and something important that must be said. She gives a damn about everything.
Her "butchery" of the language and her direct face-to-face (in your face!) method of communication was most refreshing. I'm getting so tired or being told to buzz-off in smug, polished terms.
By God, you're an unfunny dolt. Stick with commentary and leave comedy to those who are actually funny.
All you do is prove once again that the right wing is humor impaired.
Comedy is hard, and you simply don't have the knack. Stick to shilling for reactionaries: your work there is hilarious, but I'm assuming that's unintentional on your part.
1
No company can actually stand actual criticism, so they engineer these "questionnaires" to filter OUT any negatives. The gum chewing "rep" I spoke with yesterday refused to listen to me as he spoke over me whenever I attempted to ask a question and, of course, he refused to give me his name (as I expected). "Customer service" doesn't actually mean service, at all. It just means "requisite interactions we regretfully MUST perform to validate the title of that department".
1
Say what? Supertramp is in a different category altogether than Journey or Boston. Relisten to the Logical Song.
Brooks is at his best when he's funny.
He should be funny more often.
1
While generally I respect the opions of Mr. Brooks here he lowered the bar to the level of pop trivia. There are enough hacks who do this without him writing somthing about nothing. Andy Rooney used to do this brilliantly and nobody has or could replace him. I still smile recalling his "stickers on fruit" tirade. Better for Brooks to stick to gravitas as he has no gift for the light touch.
1
Loved it!
Thanks for the laugh.
1
David,
thank you. it's not often the Times can start my day with a smile
1
Dear David,
Most amusing! Now do one on the phone tree and waiting: "Your business is important to us. But not so important that you will ever be connected to a real person, and anyway the next branch in the phone tree will not be available until after twenty minutes of musak jazz."
Regards,
Deirdre
1
I still get mail for my late wife who's been dead for over 16 years. I have even gotten phone calls for here soliciting donations, the last one about a year ago.
2
"Flemmish" should be "Flemish". No wonder why my college students are repeat bad spelling offenders... Spell-check seems to be a challenging tool for EVERYONE. (And were there a Dutch basket weaving tradition, it would not, however, be considered a part of anything Flemmish or Flemish. Just sayin'.) That said, I appreciate your humorous opinion, David.
1
I recently decided I needed to cull the emails I receive in my inbox. I went to my personal information or preferences of my NYT account to stop various "news letters" that, although I probably should read, I just don't have the time.
After removing some of the no longer wanted emails, and before the "submit" or "apply" button was pushable, I had to prove I was not a robot. After several attempts, I failed the "which picture has a bus in it" and the "which picture has a heart valve in it" tests. (Does a picture with part of the roof of a bus have a bus in it? They don't say) So I just closed the window assuming I would just have to continue deleting the unread "news letters."
As it turns out, I no longer receive the emails anyway. Does this mean an insidious robot can break into my account and have its way with my preferences? Does the NYT know of this possible breach?
I am profoundly disturbed.
1
"thank you for sharing your experience. However, the text needs to be at least 200 words. We will reject everything you have complained about so far unless you write 200 words."
1
If I’m out of the office, I’m out of the office. I guess I don’t have enough important people emailing me?
Great column! My favorite: “Your call is important to us...” usually followed by s 30 minute plus wait while horrible music is played and you are bombarded by repetitive marketing messages. If, in fact, the calls are important to them, hire enough people to answer them.
1
@Patricia Kurtzmiller: Or do what the Social Security people do. I called, they were busy on the phone, so I was allowed to pick a time that was convenient to ME for them to call ME back. I did it, then on that day at that time, they called me & were very helpful. Seems a perfect system to me.
1
My favorite: the "no-reply" email:
Delivery of your package will be delayed. Thank you for your patience.
Aiee!
And then we naively expect our politicians and parties would be more ethical, our children would be great leaders with high moral standard!
Your humor is much appreciated—and infectious.
Now, about those 3 completely subjective questions:
1) My least three attractive physical features? Not. Your. Business.
2) Why does god allow evil to exist? Why of course to give philosophers a reason for employment!
3) Which rock group’s success was more inexplicable? Whoa, totally unfair question! (At the time, I rocked to all three.) Therefore I nominate The Bee Gees.
2
Deadline snuck up on you, huh. Been there, friend. Been there.
1
Dear Reader, I am a self-described "expert on character" and political commentator. However, I am foremost a GOP apologist, currently assigned to rear-guard "smoke screen" duty, to cover my conservative comrades as they retreat from the ethical battleground.
A thoughtful reader may infer the combination of first two skills requires a critique of the ceaselessly crass and corrupt POTUS, but that imperative is overruled by skill #3. I am not Jennifer Rubin, after all.
Therefore, expect some more Collins-esque humor for me until there is a Democratic president criticize to criticize for failure of character. (Whoomp! launches another smoke canister).
4
Immortal Sun God status, priceless!
Thanks for the laughs!
1
Thank you. So true, and it provided a much needed laugh.
1
Simply WONDERFUL!!!
1
My 'Away Message" to all customer service reps goes like this : Thank You for solving and fixing whatever problem I was having at the time we spoke. Getting to you was not easy. I was directed to 14 ways to solve my problem online, none of which worked. When I finally heard the words "Do you want to speak to an agent?" I shouted "Yes" three times. Then I was told there was wait time of eight to ten minutes for us to meet. Was I sure I wanted to wait? I shouted "Yes" four times.
Then came some awful interminable music. Twenty minutes later I heard your cheerful voice, "Hi, this is Albert. How can I help you?" I cried with joy. Then we went through a list of questions to insure that you, Albert, were really speaking to me who paid the bill monthly. In my saddest voice I told you I was being overcharged by $73.00 and wanted it expunged from my bill. Then I told you why. You felt my pain, I could hear it in your voice. Alas, only a supervisor could grant me amnesty and he/she was busy, Did I want to wait you asked.
Exhausted, my spirit broken, I said no. Then you kindly asked if there was anything else you could help me with. I said no, but thank you for listening. You told me to have a good day and we parted. And I hate your company and the supervisor but I still like you, Albert.
Loved the acerbic bite of the humor here! However, as my years of fascinating if not entirely useful art history classes taught me, it’s “Flemish,” not “Flemmish.”
The comments from readers were funny, clever and spot on. Particularly loved the comment from jz regarding passwords. It seems so much a waste of time to figure out a password and put it where you can find it, only to get hacked anyway!
2
Meant to say the news is so absurd, not obscured. I really hate autocorrect.
GREAT way to start my day with such a belly laugh!!! THANK YOU!
The Moral Indecency Of Avoiding Discussing Unpleasant But Important Truths: See David Brooks columns for the last year and a half.
The Moral Indecency Of Going So Far To Avoid Discussing Important Topics That You Leave The Entire Realm Of Political Commentary And Become A Kind Of Andy-Rooney-Light: See this column
1
It was funny and sad all at the same time. I give this column a thumbs up
Nailed it. Simple as that.
Here’s a thought for your consideration. If you do a survey, remember that you do not complete it under the penalties of perjury. You can write anything you please.
Guess brooks suddenly realized he had a column due and he had to write something, hence this masterpiece.
I love David Brooks even though he’s a Republican, but this is the first time I’ve laughed out loud at one of his columns. He nailed it!
Hahaha. One of the best columns from Brooks I've ever read. Didn't know he had it in him. Hilarious. And so close-to-the-bone true about our digital world. Maybe there's a beating heart inside that tough, conservative hide after all. And an abundance of humor, too. Who knew? And for the record, Supertramp's success is most inexplicable. But if you'd have tossed Toto into the mix, well, that would've been a tough one.
David is no Art Buchwald, who once wrote, "You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it."
1
"Your call is very important to us" repeats the recorded voice as you wait 40 minutes to speak to a human being.
Touché!
Pure gold. Well done, you.
Brooks omits his personal favorite and the one that he has admitted to using--
"I just don't read/listen to the message."
Have you noticed satisfaction surveys come from companies that do a pretty good job? The 8 out of 10 or 10 out of 10 types.
You never get a satisfaction survey from Comcast or United Airlines. They already know.
And by the way, the idea of the free miles is not free trips; it's about being more important than others. That's why it's so funny when they invite the Super Plutonium members to board and practically everybody gets up.
1
Mr. Brooks, Thank you. I wish you could go further with this topic. Our State Attorney Generals should prosecute companies for wasting our time and making life nothing but a game we can only loose. It will have to be a very big lawsuit to get anyone to take it seriously. Mr. Keith Ellison?
Mr Brooks, you have erased most of my misgivings about you. If only more of your columns could clearly be such delicious satire.
Mr. Brooks, are you channeling the ghost of Russel Baker?
Hilarious and on point. A couple of your reader replies are almost as funny as your column.
Another perfect example of frustrating correspondence in the modern era is leaving a comment on a website about something you’ve read. You never know if the author of what you’re commenting on will ever see your comment or care about your opinion. You know what I mean David? David? Hello? Are you there?
Best, a reader
Hilarious - thanks Mr. Brooks - we need some levity from time to time given the mind-boggling stream of disturbing news that permeates our in boxes and air waves these day. What this illustrates, seriously, is that the technology that promised to make our lives so wonderful and simpler in fact is doing the opposite.
1
Dear Columnist:
Thank you.
That was pretty funny.
Mr. Brooks should consider writing satire all the time.
It may be a more effective method for communicating his thoughts than painstaking articulation of ideas like "loyalty" and "kindness".
❤️❤️❤️ thanks for the morning smiles!
Not exactly an away message but still indecent and also my personal favorite pet peeve:
Dear valued customer,
We realize that you have not yet had a chance to use the product you’ve just purchased – in fact, you probably haven’t yet left the cash register, made it to your car in our parking lot, or even taken a breath – but please take a moment to Let Us Know How We Are Doing!
For more information please visit our website, where your access to information about our company and our products will be blocked before you can even perform one mouse-click by a large pop-up box inviting you to take a survey so you can Let Us Know How We Are Doing! You may click on the very tiny x in the corner to opt out, if you can find it.
Sincerely,
Every Place You Shop These Days
1
A truly hilarious column--mostly because it's so true.
One serious issue raised but not really dealt with, however, is the tether that our electronic devices have put around our necks. While we might appreciate having our vacations disturbed by 'the one that got away,' we don't need them disturbed by people 'more important than us.'
It's just one more impingement on our personal freedom, courtesy of our corporate overlords.
Dear Columnist: I pick number 1. Thank you for the opportunity to be enraptured (sic).
Please give us more.
David Brooks has finally come out of the closet as the humorist he is. May I please have more, sir?
1
Keep Brooks Weird.
1
Lol.
When asked to supply a survey, I tell them my fee to do so is $10, payable in advance.
The only exceptions are service above and beyond what's necessary or, on the flip side, an incredibly bad experience.
1
The “moral indecency” of the misuse of contemporary communication technology is also apparent in what is today called “polling” that is then paraded as “public opinion.” As persuasive technique it is effective because those subject to its use are not schooled in simple rhetoric, what should be known as the art and technique of persuasion. Whatever its effectiveness, it is morally indecent. I would add that it’s contrary to one of the most moral public documents ever written—the Constitution.
You will be contacted soon as to our performance in bringing these considerations to your attention with a brief survey. Your answers to the short questions asked will be very helpful to us.
Our "away message", recorded and typed by Pizda for email and phone, consists of a two syllable bark and one longish whine suggesting that we at the Balanitis Research Commune do not care to exchange words with the caller or emailer. There is a "subtext" to Pizda's message that we respond only to standard mail communications, on our terms. We feel that not only are away messages an afront to the caller who is oftentimes taken aback by it, the message also exposes the originator to burglars who know that the person is probably away.
It's interesting that this article appears in the NYT and by Mr. Brooks. I recently had a not so great experience dealing with the NYT. I accepted their original very inexpensive first time user offer for a one year trial period. Generally I enjoy reading the paper and find their articles interesting and educational.
However, when the one year trial period was up, my credit card was charged the full blown, everything included rate for two cycles. I wrote to NYT that I thought the least they could have done was inform me of the end of the low priced period and what the new price, charged automatically to my credit card, would be. Also, I noticed on their site that the rate being charged to me included crosswords and cooking tips/recipes, which I didn't use, even before the new rate. In other words, the "Basic" rate would be just fine for me. I tried to change my subscription rate online but it could not be done. After 5 emails, describing the aforementioned scenario to customer service, dealing with 3 different representatives, I finally got the service I requested. Very frustrating. The only good thing? They compensated me for the hassle by giving me a lower than the posted basic rate, at least for one year. Yeaaa!
2
Retired RN here. Health-related customer satisfaction surveys are also a matter for laughter (or raging frustration). Coming in on your day off for a mandatory staff meeting to discuss negative surveys... "My family had trouble finding a parking space during visiting hours." "The vending machines don't have good snacks... or were empty." "There should be more elevators... we had to wait in the lobby too long." And some management ninny thinks these reflect the quality of patient care.
9
If you think government is the problem just wait until corporations take over thanks to the GOP and corporate/financial aided Democrats (I'm looking at you Joe Biden). That will be a PROBLEM!
1
David Brooks should do more humor columns! This is so funny, so pithy, and so incredibly spot-on that I want everyone I know to read it. Most of us have experienced versions of these communiques and they can be so frustrating. Please consider doing a monthly send-up of the absurdities of modern life, Mr. Brooks. While I am not usually a fan of your politics, I am certainly a fan of humor like this.
10
Best laugh of the week, after wasting much of my morning battling to get signed on to Amazon (offering to send a code to my US phone, but I'm in France with no access to it) and CitiBank (chat help offers an 800 number to resolve a problem). My first pet is probably rolling in his grave.
11
How about the moral indecency of the two biggest lies in automatic greetings when you call a business helpline: "This phone call may be recorded for training and quality assurance purposes" and "please listen carefully for our menu options have changed."
Perhaps in some cases the recorded interactions between a caller and a customer service rep are reviewed to help train staff. But we all know the true reason: calls are recorded in the event the caller later disputes what the sales rep said as well as for security purposes in event the caller makes a threat.
A record of the phone conversation and security are both perfectly legitimate reasons to record phone calls. But why not simply say "this phone call is being recorded for the purpose of an accurate record of the call as well as security."
As for "changing menu options," it's simply annoying more than it is insidious. But based on the frequency of the greeting, it would appear menu options are forever being changed, which is not the case. A simple "please listen carefully to our menu options" would be more honest.
These may be little things in the scope of the world's problems, although after you hear it scores of times year after year it adds up and becomes exasperating. Why can't companies and businesses simply level up? It might even help service providers establish greater trust with their customers, which is what businesses say they all want. Right now, it's just a big fake.
5
Sounds like someone ran hard up against corporate management of consumer expectations about accountability.
1
David—
My husband and I follow you faithfully, but you are still able to surprise us. Thank you for brightening our morning today.
5
Bravo! I haven’t laughed so hard in weeks! Thanks for making my day.
3
I have a ninety year old husband who doesn't use email or any sort of computer. So he gives out mine and I get those surveys he is supposed to fill out as well as his business emails and even notes from friends. So I'm the one who has to fill out the surveys and I usually use give top ratings unless he has grouched about the service! Every now and then I ignore them. Then there are the business emails I have to print out and present to him or responses I have to make to friends. And if he needs something scanned and/or emailed I'm to stop whatever I am doing and take care of his item right now even if I am in the midst of processing my photography. Thinking of asking for a raise!
4
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This is one of the most brilliant pieces of writing I've read. Gravitas, humor and social commentary for an alienating age. You renew my faith in humanity, David Brooks, and I appreciate your literary gifts very much. I believe your writing is great in both form and content, almost always.
Sincerely and humbly,
Kathleen McShane
5
Excellent piece of sarcasm. It’s amazing how unsatisfied we are in the fight for equality. When a policy changes after many decades not every body agrees that the change for the better. American’s are still arguing over slavery, Racism, wealth mgt. religion and any thing that doesn’t help them personally. Millions have died in vain for nothing. We still can’t please everybody. In spite of this “quandary “ we still survive despite the never ending quest for perfection.
Ah, the surveys. My favorite way to be insulted. As if my opinion really matters. As if their treatment of me wasn't meant to put me in my place. Sometimes followed by a gimmee-your-money beg.
Even National Geographic, for pity's sake. Even hospitals! Want to know how they're doing and how they can improve. And why should I consult with them for free?
We should fill out the surveys and bill them for it.
4
"We should fill out the surveys and bill them for it."
Actually, some companies offer some sort of benefit for providing customer feedback.
Discount cards are a common example -- the company records your purchases over time, and you get a discount.
Walmart offers a chance to "win 1 of 5 $1000 Walmart gift cards or 1 of 750 $100 Walmart gift cards." (See the back of the receipt.)
Well said. We can’t please the masses. Everybody has a “gripe”. Cest la vie.
As I was reading the comments I heard the "bing" of a text arriving on my phone and it was from the customer rep of the car dealership prompting me to rate the service I received last month. This is the third contact from the dealership. I never respond to these things from any company unless I am so unhappy with a product or service that it is important to get it off my chest. I was tempted to laugh out loud at the irony of the timing of this latest text, but then I read the comment about punishment landing on the hardworking empoyees if responses don't result in a perfect 10 on these surveys. I'll respond now. We working stiffs have to stick together.
2
It is with some pleasure that I realize I have reached the age at which I don't need and rarely encounter these joyous messages. Still, the spam piles up since my email address leaves me not quite anonymous. SO SAD!
Correspondence in the modern age?
Probably the possibility of actual correspondence, open, imaginative, as well as super realistic and honest statement, died with Rousseau, was perhaps only established in France with Montaigne and ended up declining in France and never really existing anywhere else. True England had Oscar Wilde, but society, power to be precise, has always hated anybody who has both greater imagination and super realism than itself not to mention has hated and feared great wit.
What power calls correspondence is the safe and banal and protected message, the brand, bureaucratic rigmarole. More often than not the most powerful people in society are great bores, they rarely have imagination and super realism capacity (the ability to constantly and inventively fictionalize, thus constantly renewing possibility of reality) but instead set up ridiculous dichotomies such as fiction to point of fake news as opposed to reality, when the actuality is they lack the courage for either, for great truth or great fiction.
It's actually ironic: The most powerful in society just write lousy books if they write at all and bore us to death with their know it all conceptions of the difference between reality and fiction and constantly persecute or at least control those who do either not to mention both of these things better than they do themselves. Why would anyone want to correspond or read what the powerful have to say, Whether Trump or Bezos? You know it's rubbish.
Thanks David. We needed this! And happy Friday!
Thanks for this. I welcome a similar approach to the incessant robocalls (in spite of being on all "do not call" lists). Some have now upped the ante by threats (Your --- will be cancelled if there is no response...").
With all the Federal resources monitoring phone calls, how is it not possible to stop this madness?
3
Dear Mr. Brooks,
Along with most of your readers, I assume, I found your column today mildly amusing, in the same sense that the cleverer responses by “Dear Abby” buried some minor wisdom about human nature in an apparently specific attempt to address a reader’s citation of one of life’s lesser nuisances.
But it appeared at the end of yet another tumultuous week/day/month in the life of our democracy under the “leadership” of a man whose election increasingly appears to be the result of certainly fraudulent and quite possibly criminal behavior by the true Axis of Evil: the Russian dictatorship of Vladimir Putin; the wildly irresponsible American right-wing media; and the forty years of a steady assault on underlying principles of American governance by the lavishly-funded “Conservative” intellectual enablers.
Yes, Mr. Brooks, I very much include you in this latter group—despite your early and strong rejection of Donald Trump personally. This is a bit like someone who has denied the efficacy of vaccines being alarmed at the emergence of a national pandemic. This was the week of Mr. Trump’s malevolent State of the Union speech and cascading constant developments in the investigation of the Trump campaign’s (and administration’s) endless array of dirty tricks.
I can well understand your preference to write about such an anodyne subject as your column addressed today. But you MUST address the complicity of your “Conservative” movement confreres and its slimier enablers.
11
Oh, relax, Roger. Let a little fun into your life.
1
Thanks for writing this. You've touched on a couple of pet peeves, especially the endless survey. I particularly like it when the questions are designed to compel the sureveyee to support an opinion they ordinarily would not.
As a minor point, out of office messages should mean it -- out of office. If you haven't trained someone else to do your job when you're out, how will they promote you which means leaving the job?
Dear David,
As is so often the case, reading your column was [one of] the most exalted experience of my life, evidence of the universal goodness of mankind and the enrapturing beauty of the universe ,
(Except when they are like staring into a black pit of pure evil, a lineage-shaking trauma that will haunt my descendants from generation to generation.)
I hope you appreciate being the 1st person to receive the output of my AI based Learned Response System which is taking the place of my old telephone answering and automated email responses.
I'm sure we both look forward to seeing what it has to say about your next column.
1
@writeon1
PS: Who's the lady in the picture and what does she have to do with the column? She looks upset. Should we be concerned?
Dear Columnist:
Your timely and original piece boils down to responding to the following question. Please respond by choosing one of the two given alternatives:
What is the underlying main cause of the perception that the anonymous nature of the electronic forms of communication has brought out so much indecency in humans?
a) Technology by its nature degenerates humans.
b) Humans by their nature are indecent and technology is just a means to this end.
Footnote: Your answer to this question will be recorded and applied to other, similar topics of debate such as gun ownership.
Best regards,
A Reader
I’ve been having somewhat uneasy days this week, from ..well.. Tue to Thu, so, I’m glad for this column because I was not necessarily cheered up or humored after reading it, at all. This kind of professional skill, flourished from unmatched experiences with excellence are truly inspirations to readers, for an aspiring conviction that a column would change no one’s life. My tips are here too, by the way: In towns (plural) where I lived and live, all residents share my mother’s birthday which is still the security question for my important financial account. I tried to change it, but the question bounced back again and again. Another one: if your sister in law was inspired to get all your credits for her newborn decades ago, her plan is lingering even today. Oh, how well Grandma can collect the public’s sympathy! At least, David Brooks made the rest of my day today. Thanks to Brooks, I (somewhat) try now to bounce myself up (just a little bit) for the day!
What a wonderful world of emails !
Slow news day, huh, David? That said, you certainly nailed it, and social commentary that takes on a sarcastic edge is always welcome, particularly when I agree with it.
Your perch atop the Grey Lady certainly puts you in a unique position to be heard, and in this case, to speak for so many of us who are left stammering, stuttering, swearing and slamming either the keyboard of the phone when we are recipients of messages that get their point across while denying us the opportunity to do so with ours.
Perhaps, next time, you could address the scourges of man-spreading on the subway, shuffling slowly on crowded and narrow sidewalks, driving 30 miles below the speed limit while in the left lane, and over dosing with offensive quantities of perfume with no regard for the olfactory nerves of and nausea caused for those within thirty feet. What is the world coming to?
Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me begin my day with a smile and a laugh. I especially loved the airline parody, because it is so true. Would you please do health insurance or even a large financial institution? "Your call is important to us......."
David,
I laughed harder than I have laughed since Trump became President. Thanks! I needed that.
When requested via email or text to complete a survey my right index finger taps “delete” almost at the speed of light. Natural reflexes are wonderful things!
1
Journey! Not even close.
@Znammer, no it's Boston for sure.
Really well done. Always impressed.
Thank David. Really funny today , much needed.
The last time I contacted customer “service” for help logging onto my account to pay a bill, three different specialists all admitted they couldn’t help me. Their IT professional successfully disconnected the call as I wasted more time on hold. So I mailed them a check. A day later a customer dissatisfaction survey from the company arrived via email. I was brutally honest. Seven days later my account was canceled because “I had failed to provide them with adequate information” when I opened the account twenty-three years ago. Saved me the trouble of canceling the account myself.
1
Many years ago I received a solicitation from Readers' Digest regarding one of their never-ending contests: "Wouldn't you be astonished to look out your window at Apt. 905, 1140 Fisher Ave., and see a brand new Cadillac?"
Considering that apartment 905 is (duh!) nine floors above the parking lot, it would indeed have been astonishing!
1
I had no idea Brooks could be so funny. I laughed so hard I was worried about disturbing my neighbors. This is on par with Stephen Colbert.
This is exactly the laugh I needed this morning. Bravo, David!
David Brooks is definitely at the top of my list of people whose email I'd respond to regardless of my personal circumstances.
Dear Spam Folder Occupant:
Your message is possibly important to us, but we sincerely doubt it and there is no chance we will ever learn whether that is the case.
Should your message be in response to an inquiry or correspondence that was initiated by us, we appreciate the consistency of your response with all prior messages, and we look forward to not hearing from you in the future.
Best disregards,
Recipient
Spot on all the way as usual!
Dear David,
Thank you for writing this piece.
That I don’t identify with this experience gives me hope that eventually I may achieve complete or as nearly complete separation from what is known as modern living.
Sincerely,
Richard B., Washington DC
David Brooks is still trying to find his way back to Ithaca, with Ithaca being a place where people write about things that matter. David, alas, after the Fall of Troy and the Trumpian Conquest has been so shocked by the results that he writes only about Center=right think tanks and Utopian schemes to fix everything.
Now, even that is too much for him.
David, alas, like Odysseus before him, is in the Land of the Lotus Athens.
Hopefully, he will leave and return to the Fray.
9
My pet peeve is the phone trees which are designed to make sure that you can never contact someone who can actually address the issue at hand. Or better yet a phone tree I ran into last week where the only available options were A takes you to B, B takes you to C, C takes you A. You have to wonder if the people who put the phone trees together have ever actually tried to use them.
1
Wonderful, funny column.
I went to Africa and to China, rolling up air miles. Surely I'd get a free trip to Denver from Salt Lake City. Maybe two?
After spending hours as Brooks described, weaving through obstacles and straining to understand blackout days, I obtained my prize. A magazine subscription! None of the mags interested me, and besides, I'd used up my free-time for months to come.
The unfortunate rep who is doing his/her best can't unravel a system designed to defeat the consumer.
2
The ones I hate ard the forced choices that don't apply and no other option beyond "return to the main menu."
6
"This call will be recorded to ensure quality." This message now accompanies even calls to schedule a pedicure; not really, but close. I live in a "two party state." This means that both parties in any communication must consent to being recorded. So, my response is usually this: "Wait a moment while I get my recorder." Or, as an alternative, I remind the person at the other end of the call that I do live in a two party state and that I don't give permission to be recorded. I know, small stuff, but an irritant to me. Then there's the whole "will you stay on the line to take a survey about our service today?" Grrrrrrr!
5
When I hear ‘this call is being recorded for quality assurance,’ I get angry the company is lying before I’ve even spoken to anyone. Quality assurance my eye. It’s risk management and gathering evidence before the fact.
14
I can sympathize with the airline miles story- been there.
What I LOVE thought is the humor in each story. This has lifted me out the the doldrums of political miasma.
3
"Correspondence in the modern age"? That's a meatier subject. The situations dealt with here are minor annoyances, worth pointing out but not affecting the soul.
But correspondence, i.e., communicating meaningfully with another human being - what has happened to that in the age of twitter, facebook, texting and email? I used to write twice a year to my closest friends 3000 to 5000 miles away, and yet felt that I was "in touch". The letters were long and took hours to write. Writing my letters or reading theirs I felt close to them, and indeed to myself.
With email the exchange is rapid and I feel an obligation to write more often. A friend in Paris carps that I don't write often enough; I am not keeping him up-to-date. A former colleague in New York responds within a few hours to my email, and I am left hanging. I answer a month later, sure that he considers me a bad friend. Yet he used to tell me how much he enjoyed my letters. Who enjoys an email? And texting is worse.
I can't go back to the USPS system without feeling archaic. I am stuck with "correspondence in the modern age".
6
The people who could improve things are truly away. They are away in corner offices making ridiculous policies to benefit themselves. They are the ones who make decisions that hurt employees. They are the ones who set the tone for customer relations. If anyone ever wants to know why customers are angry all they have to do is look at how little power the people we contact when there are problems, have.
Technology is wonderful for many things. I love FAQs when they are clearly worded. But when I have to call a company for a problem and the response I get is, for example, to reformat the computer because that's what the company script says, I'm not happy. When the company manufactures a lemon of a computer and tells me that they are happy to have me as a customer, that I have x number of days left on my support agreement, and to reformat my computer, that's not customer service. The same goes when a mistake is made by the credit card company and I'm told that it's my fault. Why? Because the computer is right.
My favorite question on these surveys is would I buy or use the product again. Based upon the lack of quality of support many times my answer is no.
6
You forgot my favorite:
Dear political supporter, we would really like to know your thoughts about how our organization should proceed going forward. The fact that these surveys making you feel valued and involved are always, always followed by a request for donations is purely coincidental.
25
"Your call is important to us." No, it isn't. For if it were, you would immediately have picked it up.
"Customer service professional" (seller)
"Pre-owned" (used)
"$19 a month for every $1000 financed" ($380 for a $20K vehicle)
"You have been randomly selected" (Tenth time this month)
Showing my age, it reminds me of what Doonesbury said during one of our many wars. The biggest casualty? "The English language"
8
Try dealing with Verizon customer service.
It will make these examples look like a walk in the park.
11
Enjoyed the column, but sometimes we contact old friends, or past loves, we haven't seen in 40 years to reconnect, to reminisce, to process life and career changes and the loss of loved ones, to renew shared memories, to swap stories about romantic escapades, to tell them how wonderful their influence was, and to let them know how much they still mean to us, even after all these decades.
We might even mention a book manuscript we've recently written, not to brag about it or get them to buy it (if it ever gets published), but for them to realize that we are still intellectually and politically active and how much we love language and writing, thanks to them.
1
I always ask for a fee to answer a survey,I do not see why I should give "valuable" (their word) information away for free.
15
One of the best and funniest columns I’ve read in a long time. A great commentary on our status-conscious, password-protected lives in the age of passive-aggressive companies like Soulless Large Airline. Reading this made me almost forget about the nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue. Thank you!
15
To those readers critical of pointless customer experience surveys, I’m with you in spirit.
But let me offer a different perspective. In this day when people have lost critical thinking skills, Joe manager cannot see whether or not Bob employee is doing a good job. So Joe manager now relies on a numeric measure—done by other people, no less.
This practice absolves Joe manager from all responsibility to do his job, except to withhold a salary increase and/or to fire Bob for anything less than a perfect score.
5
David
I usually enjoy your columns, but not this one. It is not one of your best. I too abhor much of the modern techniques of communications and their often failed resulting communications. I am a faithful reader and look for you on radio and television with more enjoyment. I look forward to more important and insightful columns and appearances.
Sincerely,
Mr. Lindsay Ball
5
Dear Mr. Brooks,
The answer to your survey is:
1. The most exalted experience of my life, evidence of the universal goodness of mankind and the enrapturing beauty of the universe.
Well, errr, sort of. (Is there an emoticon for “wan half-smile”?)
2
Cannot stop laughing!! One column of Brooks that I haven't a single quibble with.
On the survey for Brooks article, I chose #1 simply for the enjoyment.
8
Very Funny David--glad to read you have a sense of humor, thank you and would you mind contacting my 7th Grade teacher, Sister Nunsomuch and tell her I really did not play hookie that day, it wasn't me.
4
Dear Reader:
Your comment on this column is very important to us. Due to unusually heavy volume no editor is currently available to review your comment. Your estimated waiting time is approximately: 38 minutes. Comments may or may not be recorded for quality control purposes. Thank you for your patience.
23
I once got a letter asking me to rate my experience with my new metal knee. A) unable to get out of bed - Z) ready to run the NY marathon
146
@Jo Ann
When my husband passed away, I asked Bank of America to remove his name from the title. They said they would but advised that he would still be financially responsible for the balance of the home loan. I told them they could not contact him by phone or email but that his address was St. Matthews Church.
303
@irishquilter
My mother, a dutiful donor to charities, is still referred to as "one of our best supporters" in calls we get in the early evening, although she has been gone over 20 years now. Since these people seem so eager, and sincere in their desire to contact her, I am suggesting they hire spirit medium.
6
@irishquilter Recently I was trying to discuss a bank account for the estate of my late father, who had passed a couple years earlier. The phone rep proceeded to ask me security questions based on public records. The first question was, in what state does my father live? *facepalm*
5
What I find most irritating about David's last example, the customer experience surveys, is that they generally restrict themselves to 4 to 6 questions about the individual customer service representative who took your call/did your chat session. Rarely a chance to comment on the company itself, it's products, or your fury at waiting 45 minutes to speak a [perfectly polite] customer service representative who can not do anything to help you because of the company's policies.
731
When you fill out those customer surveys for That Company Who Shall Not Be Named, it’s true that the questions are all about the customer service rep, who controls almost nothing about which you are complaining. When you’re asked whether the rep solved your problem and you click ‘no’, the rep is punished with negative write-ups that result in the rep not receiving the meager 25-cent raise being offered that year, or with outright firing. No, I do not work for said company. My husband does. He has an ulcer. Please be nice on those asinine surveys for the sake of reps like him.
385
@Gene
Companies do their best to isolate themselves from criticism. I once found a news report on my website biased, and decided to complain to the company that sponsored the site. That turned out to be impossible. The only messages that the company would let you send were requests for technical support, and new orders. And by the way, their technical support was lousy when I needed it. When I finally got good support, I received a survey on how the "most recent rep" handled it -- not how the previous rep (much less the company) had messed up.
27
@Gene
My former mortgage was with Wells Fargo, and I have online banking with them. They always followup a site visit with a telephone survey, again asking only about my experience with their branch personnel. I have always used those surveys to articulate my views on and resentment of their corporate corruption, the tolerance of their Board in allowing persistent variations of customer abuse among their various business units and advice on how to purge such behavior from their corporate culture, i.e. RIF the entire senior executive suite without pensions or golden parachutes and bring in outside top management to cleanse the culture.
32
The Logical Song by Supertramp...the lyrics are better than I remember them...
When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily
Oh joyfully, playfully watching me
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible
Logical, oh responsible, practical
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable
Oh clinical, oh intellectual, cynical
There are times when all the world's asleep
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
Please tell me who I am
I said, watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical
Liberal, oh fanatical, criminal
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're Acceptable
Respectable, oh presentable, a vegetable!
Oh, take it take it yeah
But at night, when all the world's asleep
The questions run so deep
For such a simple man
Won't you please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
Please tell me who I am, who I am, who I am, who I am
'Cause I was feeling so logical
D-d-digital
One, two, three, five
Oh, oh, oh, oh
It's getting unbelievable
6
Dear David,
This is to let you know that I’ll be on a staycation and out of pocket (pretending not to have my computer or cellphone) for the next ten days and won’t be able to read your columns, should you choose to write any. I deeply regret this and hope you understand that any comments I would have written won’t be submitted for you not to read. However, you can count on the fact that should you choose to write anything during the next ten days, or ten years for that matter, I will disagree with whatever you write, or wrote, and feel very self-righteous and superior while convincing myself for the hundredth time that reading your columns is a waste of time. While I’m on my staycation, I plan to use my time productively and spend at least a couple of days putting all of my one hundred and twenty-seven passwords into a spreadsheet and encrypting the spreadsheet and then saving it to a thumb drive with its own 128 bit encrypted password that I will write on a piece of scrap paper that I will then hide in a place that will quickly be forgotten. I’ll then spend hours one day searching for the paper with the password to my passwords so that I can log into your newspaper after having gotten a new mega gigahertz computer and forgotten the password. When my futile search for the scrap of paper sends me into a paroxysm of frustration, I’ll remember this column and blame you for all that is lost.
Sincerely,
JZ
395
@jz
Thank you, thank you! This made my day!
8
@jz
Hilarious! I have the same (failed) technique - passwords written on little scraps of paper, put in a safe spot, only to not be there when needed for some sort of desperate "tech emergency".
6
@jz (((clapping)))
7
Dear Mr. Brooks,
It seems as if you have been away these last few days and your absence has been noted by this admirer of your writings. I hope you are nearing the end of your book 'The Second Mountain', and that it will be well received by the critics.
Brendan Beehan, known as a wild boy, once wrote that critics are like eunuchs because they see how it is done, without being able to do it themselves.
Speaking of Bees, perhaps it has come to your attention that Charles Blow has been missing from the front cover of The New York Times for a few weeks now and this online subscriber to the above, is hoping for his return.
Whilst wishing to add a note of levity to your latest essay, Bach has made this listener shed a hidden tear; his music played for a blind elephant far away by a fine pianist, Paul Barton.
Of Joy and sorrow, joining some other commentators in extending to you our warm wishes for continuing success in your endeavors,
With best regards,
Sincerely yours.
Miss Ley
3
I'm not sure what got into David today. Was he motivated by one of the situations described by Andy Borowitz, where a columnist needs to "phone one in"? Did he finally get fed up with the pointlessness of most of human communication? Who knows?
5
I thoroughly enjoyed this. For a political commentator, you are so sane. You have a kind heart, David and I always enjoy your appearances on the PBS NewsHour. Are things too crazy for you to mention politics in your columns now? I think maybe so.
11
My thought is, David, I didn't know you were this funny. Good for you!
16
But Boston cooked!
1
I laughed at loud at these! And definitely felt a pang of incrimination reading about the ‘friend’ who hasn’t been seen in 40 years...I’ve definitely done that with a celebrity acquaintance.
Please, NYT, can we start using ‘humankind’ as the accepted language instead of ‘mankind’?
4
Yes, complaining about security procedures is fun. These companies are damned either way. In my experience as a systems administrator I have found that those who complain the loudest about increased security are also the loudest complainers when they get hacked. Most of those individuals had classically bad passwords: password123, initials plus birth year, etc.
Cyber security is a tough business and needs the help of users to succeed. Even things like security questions are pretty worthless if the answer can easily be found in publicly available information, like the city you were born in. You will be surprised how much is available. I recently was asked by a website where I lived in 1969. I was less than ten at the time. How did this company should have known that. If they know, hackers know.
No one should give you sympathy if you get robbed because your leave your dwelling unlocked and neither should they if you get hacked because you won't observe basic security practices. Surely Mr Brooks and his erudite readers can learn them.
Do yourself a favor. Use a password store. They're not perfect and you might have to spend half an hour learning how to use one. But you can generate a strong, unique password and for each site (which you won't then have to memorize). The good apps have a notes section where you can add your security questions and answers. Google "password store" and you will find many options. For free.
1
@Ross Kahn Got advice on screen shot app hacks that take passport, credit card number, and airline password.
The boomers are getting cranky!
6
Thank you for your column. I will respond as soon as I have something insightful to say. If I happen to reply earlier, please disregard.
8
Clearly, the success of Trump and his Republican enablers has sent David Brooks into sone kind of existential spin. Hopefully, once this life questioning trial is over he will just accept the fact that the only modern-day political party that is interested in working to serve the common good, in all its messy complexity, is the Democratic Party. Brooks would not be faulted to admit that the imagined perfection that accrues from the libertarian Republican approach to governing via a laundry list of divisive sins of omission is a recipe for national suicide. Mr. Brooks is now welcome to return from his time away to the living and become part of the solution. The NYT can change his byline to Recovering Conservative Political Columnist.
7
I can only imagine how cathartic it was to write todays column!
2
I don't get it...
I guess I either need to get out more often, buy more stuff, be more on-line involved, or hang with those that do.
1
@HapinOregon
If none of this resonated with you, then you are a lucky man indeed.
Apparently writing books does indeed one’s creativity in writing Columns :)
I hate slack. just had to say it.
2
“Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it.”
"We can never have enough of nature.”
“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately…”
“Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influence of the earth.”
“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.”
“The language of friendship is not words but meanings.”
---Thoreau
1
Thank you David Brooks. You generated a great smile to begin my day. I never use away messages but if I did it would something like this: “I am away from my desk. It is very cold in the Dallas area today so I decided to abandon my upstairs office for the warmth of the fireplace downstairs. I have my iPhone and iPad with me and AT&T has reasonable coverage there so if I do not respond it is because I am ignoring you.”
5
I am laughing so hard. Thank you David.
2
Supertramp.
2
Stop! Wait! Look again! Look again four more times during this column at this gorgeous (cold-shoulder blouse that a 2 second look confirmed belonged on a college student - decongestant for a cold you had 2 weeks ago - deodorizer for stinky feet that your husband looked up for after hockey practice) because I'm desperate for another click, just one PLEASE, and then I promise I will keep sending you the EXACT same ad, whether you buy it or not, because I was programmed to reenact groundhog day advertising, over and over and over, and then, just when you think it's over, and over AGAIN. And don't think I'll go away if you never click on me - yeah, it's not like that, no, because then I'll cover the content of a really scary nuclear arms treaty withdrawal article, and no matter what you click, drag or select -I ain't moving, so there.
4
An enjoyable break from our collective decent into the Trumpian abyss.
Mr. Brooks, I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that that you would LOVE to be asked one of your satirical "security" questions:
"Why does God allow evil to exist?"
Seems to be the type of philosophical question you have enjoyed dealing with over the last few years. Plus it would be a lengthy and uncrackable answer. Very secure.
At least until you published it as a column.
1
May I suggest that readers search out James Thurber's satirical piece for the 8 January 1949 "New Yorker Magazine" entitled "File and Forget." (later used in his stage script: "The Thurber Carnival"). While Mr. Brooks comedic piece "pings" true for us electronic device dependent moderns, Mr. Thurber's rings "bells" that began to sound in nameless bureaucratic postal responses 70 years ago.
8
Priceless, who says conservatives can't be funny! BTW, the answer is Boston.
2
When the Revolution against our broken civilization comes, I will save my torch and pitchfork for the sorts of folk who send e-mail like this. To heck with the pols and disposable celebrities.
Anyone who designed a voicemail system needs to feel the wrath of the Mob.
6
You forgot the pop-up questionnaire to rate the site that obscures material you came for!
7
I rarely laugh out loud through a NYT article but this one got me, thank you!
5
Channeling Russell Baker?
It's Supertramp.
1
David, you're really starting to freak me out. Just after the line 'Like staring into a black pit of pure evil' had entered my mind, there it was in your piece. I'm afraid to ask how you do this. BTW, do you remember the time we passed on that sidewalk in Brooklyn?
1
Thanks for starting your readers’ day with a good collective laugh. I’m left wondering if this column is some sort of attempt to grab the attention of the producers of Saturday Night Live in hopes of becoming a host. But it also reminded me of a company several years back that answered the phone with a machine menu granting the caller eight options. If you managed to make it to the end you were told, “If you want to hear a duck quack, press 8.” One could not help but appreciate such self deprecating machine humor.
3
Hilarious! I did not know that you were so funny! I read yet usually disagree with many of your columns and now I love at least two - the recent one about Kamala Harris and now this one. This is from a born and raised in San Francisco, Prius driving, liberal democrat, vegan wannabe, "Black Magic" woman.
1
Gosh - never would have guessed you had such wit! ‘Valued Customer” SO nailed it! Now in future instances I’ll know I’m not alone…
2
Mustafa Mond is in his office...
And he wants to hear from you...
The week after next.
2
Ha ha. ;-) I needed this! have a good weekend David.
I'm glad you've abandoned (temporarily) intellectual pomposity for satirical humor. Quite good. You should consider making the change permanent, and give Gail Collins a run for the money.
6
Thanks for the much needed laugh.
2
Reading your column in my hotel room on a business trip, at a ridiculously early hour, laughing my head off!! I just went through the excruciating exercise of trying to locate my hotel rewards pin number yesterday. David Brooks you are national treasure! Keep doing what you're doing.
2
Dear Intelligent American Voter:
I am fed up with Washington high-society sucking up for your vote and then turning around to swindle you. They promise to fix your problems, only to turn their backs and line their pockets. I am sick of it, and the time for change has come! Although I am forced to pick a party affiliation so that I can run for office in our corrupt, rigged, two-party system, I look forward to the day I am sworn in. Then, I can remove my mask and cloak and show those Washington insiders my true colors! That I am for you, the hard-working, God-fearing, compassionate, and of course wise, regular American. I look forward to that day when I can give it to the Establishment, and despite my nominal party affiliation, take a bipartisan attack on problems that face you and your family at the kitchen table. I am grateful to your confidence in my desire to fight for you, and thank you for your vote!
Yours truly,
Agent of Change
1
I've been worried about your metaphysical thrashing about for some time, David. This column shows you're fine! A sense of humor, obviously, has saved you from taking your previous conservative proselytizing deeply to heart.
1
Hence, the reasons we all hack into this site from offshore, proxy-punting proximities.
Wow, I thought some of your earlier articles were hard to understand. You've topped it. Whatever IT is, you've topped.
2
you nailed it!
3
I don't get it. :-(
1
So would you prefer instead HAL, the Terminator or the Borg?
I 'll take boring inarticulate incompetence.
2
Made my morning. Thanks.
3
Really got a laugh out of this column. Well done!
2
Who has the time to bother with surveys?
If you want an audit of your operation, pay me to do it.
12
@JPEC I agree! Same with any other kind of survey, like if I love the pants, pits, whatever I bought. Pay me with a good discount on something I need, or some other way. Nothing is free!
3
Mr. Brooks, what a great column. You'e touched on some of my most serious pet peeves! The silly and utterly pointless automated evaluation questionnaires was perfect. Yesterday I spent an hour and a half trying to make a payment of a thousand dollars. For that 90 minutes I was jerked around to four different offices before I finally lost my cool. I did manage to make the payment. Afterward, they asked me to rate their customer service: I declined!
12
Couldn't agree more on the relentless barrage of emails requesting my satisfaction ratings of their product or service. When did being a customer become a job? As the comedian Bill Burr once said of self-service restaurants, "I didn't know I had a shift today!"
11
The answer to question 3 is Supertramp.
10
I loved this column. I embarrassed myself laughing out loud sitting in my neighborhood bar!
6
Happy Chinese New Year! Thanks for a little bit of laughter. Those OOO messages were always a scam. Retired now, only excuse to not pick up the phone these days is, "I'm retired, I don't have to if I don't want to." It's liberating.
6
In great scheme of things why should moral, indecency and the away message be in the same sentence?
Brooks is trying way too hard to be relevant in the age of Trump who has destroyed David's soul. At least he has not gone down the path of Lindsey Graham.
5
Not sure I can match wits. Never really sure. The usual opacity gives way to humor today, but who's in the mood? I suppose slapstick, you know, someone taking a terrific fall, could coax a chuckle, but I don't want to work for it. A+ in the creative writing class, these situational imaginings: our modern lives, and enabling tech, force us to lies and incivilities, particularly in our "availability": we aren't! (Unless you make the cut).
It's fine, it's clever, and I don't say that the artist has a responsibility to address the moment. But columnists, even those who wait on the daughters nine and float poetic phrases, are not poets and hold only a temporary license to play (and, as I've said, if they will play, let's have someone falling down, some chaos, some naughtiness, some bounding about without reflection). The moment, this moment is so, well... momentous, that I have no notion how a very smart guy would write about correspondence, I mean, without the slightest bit of irony. Safire, the op-ed counterweight in the days of Wicker, Baker and Lewis, well he was playful from time to time, often displaying his gift for grammatical gymnastics. He never played during a "moment" though. On television and in radio spots Brooks is mister politics. I ask, humbly, that he join the conversation in this, well, disturbing moment in our nation's history. We need all the rational people we can get (even if they are republicans, like my old nemesis, Will Safire).
2
Dear Colleagues,
I am on vacation. Due to the unreasonable amount of email sent and resent and replied all I will delete all email received between now and when I return.
If you truly need a response I am sure you will contact me upon my return.
Best regards...
8
My large corporate employer requests me of late to check in three times a week online and assure them that I have had one laugh that day, to benefit my health. Soooo....thanks!
1
Question 8 from Trump's "Official SOTU Approval Poll":
"Do you believe Democrats should work with the President and abide to (sic) his call for unity going forward?"
Question 3 in Trump's "Official SOTU Approval Poll":
"Do you believe President Trump delivered a visionary speech of (sic) always choosing American Greatness?"
Once you're employed by a Harvard, Princeton, or Stanford, you won't believe how many emails you get from people, barely remembered from high school, last heard from decades ago, even complete strangers who claim some connection--all of whom are parents of high school kids. Can you intervene with the Admissions Office? Could you write a special letter? First reaction is to laugh, but second reaction is sadness. Because they're anxious emails, from parents whose kids have entered into a ruthless college admissions gladiatorial contest. How did we get to this point? David Brooks' third letter had me laughing out loud, then the smile faded.
8
I’m not sure who had more fun here. Thanks for writing this.
6
Dear Bank, Airline or other online service:
You have asked me to provide a “security question” as a safety feature in order to set up, have access to, and ensure privacy for a digital account with you.
Unfortunately, I have realized that after 10 years of “letting it all hang out” on Facebook, Instagram, Reddit, Twitter, various dating services etc., and some ill-advised past contacts with Cambridge Analytica, there is no longer “ANY” information about me which is not easily accessible to the universe at large.
Please advise on how to proceed...
11
@Susan
Are you trying to put Brooks to shame? I found your comment just as funny as his.
What a great sense of humor you have.
Okay David
Get ready for a 11:00PM slot at The Comedy Cellar. You will be right after Ray Ramano and before Mrs Masiel.
Great humor
Thanks
Danny
5
"As you are a loyal passenger who has achieved Double Platinum/Immortal Sun God status, it is our pleasure to help you redeem miles for free rewards travel."
Glad to read that it is not just I who cannot ever seem to redeem miles for a ticket or even an upgrade.
"I hope you don’t mind if over the next week I bombard your inbox with 36 customer surveys so you can pointlessly rate your experience."
That is why God invented the "delete" button or why we occasionally empty the Spam mailbox.
"Thanks for the feedback!"
Excellent column.
8
This is the second time in recent weeks David has tried the humor thing. Didn't work either time.
5
Bravo! So funny....Both my daughter and I can certainly relate. I enjoy reading your opinion pieces.
Best regards,
Charlie
5
what i most appreciate is realizing what a swell human being you are. in the old days pre-trump we never agreed or at least not much but maybe you are softening but perhaps it is only I lapsing into sentimentality when i read your heart felt words of kindness and spy you on NPR gently nodding in agreement with your democratic colleague..ah age, get bitter or become better...our choice after all thanks DB keep up the good and thoughtful work.
5
All these digital techniques are designed to demean you and reduce you to a simpering blob of helplessness. Once you're convinced of your complete inability to affect the world in a meaningful way, you'll keep your mouth shut and sit in the corner heaping objects in your Amazon Cart like a good little consumer.
5
My Google AI email editor read your column, Mr. Brooks, and suggests this response:
"In the future, nearly all email messages will be written and read by AI personal assistants like me without human intervention. Problem solved!"
As a very smart man once said “Funny cause it’s true,” Homer Simpson.
7
David Brooks' funniest column ever, ever, was The Great Forgetting, April 11, 2008. I laugh out loud every time. Do yourself a great favor in these grim days. . .easily searched. However, it is more hilarious to those of us of a Certain Age. . . .
2
I laughed so hard I cried. Lordy I needed that! Didn’t know you had it in you, David. More please!!!
6
Um, in this case, 2. Really, though, we all need a bit of levity in these times of lack of comity.
1
They say that people under thirty don't remember a time when you could call a business and get a real live person on the line without having to press 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 and then not be put on hold for five minutes.
The most frequent "away from emails," or "unavailable" responses I receive are from state and local agencies followed by, of all entities, PR firms who eschew courtesy and promptness in favor of laziness and a blatant lack of concern.
1
I am not going to write an in-depth analysis of the content of this column. I’ll just say that I thoroughly enjoyed it, laughed out loud. Not something I often do when reading the NYT, unless the news is so obscured that it causes a guffaw.
Infinite staircase
We call it "evolution"
We're stuck on one step
Curses!
Now I have Supertramp rattling around in my brain.
Great column! So different from the serious tomes you so often write. Smiled and chuckled my way through it this early morn. Are you taking lessons from Gail Collins? Keep up the good work!
The most successful one I think, is "back in ten minutes" on a shop door, or message.
John (back in ten minutes)
My "Away message" : Dear Colleague, Customer, Vendor, my faithful and hopeful Spammers and other random people, I am away for the next three weeks. When I come back and if I have over 100 messages in my Inbox (heh!) I delete them all and start over with a blank slate. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. Thanks!
143
Take this piece, combine it with a few choice clips from Office Space plus the Alec Baldwin segment of Glengarry Glen Ross and you have everything you need to know about the 21st Century American workplace.
130
What a clever column, David. The worst ever "communication" experiences of my life have been phone calls to my health insurance company. After sometimes hours( it's not an exagerration) of holding on the phone, followed by three different answers to the same question, I feel like poking my eyes out. The health insurance industry is impermeable on so many levels. Technology was supposed to be the great facilitator but it's often the great frustrator.
29
@Saramaria Technology is what facilitates your getting those three different answers in the same day. Imagine doing it all by mail.
Hahahahaha!
Thank you for a perfect spoof on the empty gaps, false promises and passive-aggressiveness of the daily indignities of digital communication.
Nothing will ever replace the authenticity of real life with all the opportunities for touch, sparkle, and that most human of all interactions, a hug.
9
I never leave an away message. I learned long ago that an automatic reply to spam or "phisher" meant a legitimate email could be sold to others.
11
@Edward Chrzanowski
That explains a lot.
For a long time, a popular voice mail message included the phrase, "I will return your call at my soonest possible convenience."
I always loved how a phrase meant to politely encourage someone to respond to you--"at your soonest possible convenience"--was turned into a version of "if and when I get around to it."
12
I loved all the away messages! I rebel and do not use those. It was so empowering to read this humorous column, that I am not alone.
Good work David.
16
When I retired in 2000, I went back to my college to audit a couple of undergraduate courses. At the end of the semester, I discovered, to my surprise and dismay, that students now filled out rating sheets on their professors' ability to teach. I guess it was part of the quaint postmodern notion that whatever a student thought was, prima facie, as valid as the thoughts of someone who had spent decades mastering a subject. (The postmodernists had gained a strong foothold in the school's humanities and social science departments.) I came away thanking God that my wife had never asked me to fill out a rating sheet on her.
As for Journey, Boston, and Supertramp, I'll have to check the 'does not apply' box. I'm of the generation that came of age listening to Billie Holiday, Mel Torme, Sarah Vaughn, and Joe Williams -- and I still do. I pray we never get to the point where I make an online purchase of a CD by, say Ella Fitzgerald, and then be asked to rate her performance on a ten-point scale, followed, of course, by a request to explain my rating and to state whether I would recommend the CD to a friend. Some things in life, especially the arts, should be off limits to this insanity. It seems that now, just as every human interaction can be monetized, every human interaction should (in the opinion of some) be evaluated numerically. Help!
28
@Fred Suffet--nice! One comment. Teacher course ratings came out of the late 60s student movements for student input, morphed over the years, and now can be used as a cudgel against faculty.
14
And yet, instruction improved dramatically at a lot of institutions. As faculty I find student evaluations useful data, and I have yet to be at an institution where they are treated as gospel. as with all data, they are read in the agregate with the understanding that 1.) students don't always fully comprehend what they've gotten out of a class and 2.) show consistent bias against certain faculty.
11
@PEB I'm not sure -- but I am sure they've led to grade inflation.
5
Definitely Supertramp. Inexplicable. I had that popular album of theirs, and even though it was the 70’s, I don’t know why I listened to it.
8
@Rick Cudahy
Crime of the Century is a masterpiece. Listen to it.
Why is there a photo a photograph of the artist Lee Friedlander at the top of the article?
14
@Julie Zuckman’s
From Wikipedia:
"Lee Friedlander (born July 14, 1934) is an American photographer and artist. In the 1960s and 1970s Friedlander evolved an influential and often imitated visual language of urban 'social landscape,' with many of his photographs including fragments of store-front reflections, structures framed by fences, posters and street signs."
And "It has been claimed that Friedlander is 'notoriously media shy'" (sorry, I don't know where to put the period at the end here ...)
David Brooks: "Correspondence in the modern age."
I hope this clears things up.
8
1. Why not?
2. What would you have preferred?
3. Swordfish
4
"Why is there a photo a photograph of the artist Lee Friedlander at the top of the article?"
That's a portrait BY Friedlander, which is, evidently, of an office worker.
2
THANKS DAVID BROOKS For your delightful column. I firmly believe that I should control how and when I choose to engage with and utilize electronic media. I always ask friends and acquaintances to send me an email, because I check my texts and phone messages maybe once a day. So you'll get a quicker response by sending me email, as I view select ones sent to me. I'm heartened to know that American airlines are offering to transform passengers into Sun gods for points. Perhaps if they were to pay proper homage to the Sun diety, there would be better service. And the Sun god would magically enlarge the cabins so that people who travel tourist class don't have to contort themselves into excrucating positions that will haunt them for days after arriving at their destination. As a surprise, you might be greeted by from your high school graduating class, after 40 years of silence. Or maybe they're all "away from the phone."
8
Especially liked second response. I had an experience much like this with Verizon. Verizon charges $7.00 to talk to a real live person if you can't make their on-line system work. I would have dropped them if it wasn't for the fact I travel a lot where they are the only phone provider with coverage.
13
Unbelievable!! Though on second thought, all too believable...
4
This was fun! What a great way to start the day. Thank you, David.
17
I loved Supertramp. Still do.
12
Simply giving a number to many surveys is not enough these days. Most follow up with an essay section wanting to know why I gave THAT particular number. Yes, a survey on the survey.
12
Most amusing. I’m slumped in an ancient leather armchair in a cool café in Bratislava at the moment, having just fielded an urgent question from a client. I fail to see what the fuss is all about. I’ve been working like this for ages. Duty first.
10
In Wales,UK, motorists are treated to bilingual signs, English and Welsh--a favor from the once-new National Assembly. Turns out, at least for a time, the signs were written in English and the text was sent to a translations office; from there the appropriate Welsh wording was returned to the signage department. In the UK, Swansea, South Wales area, motorists were treated to a sign warning of a road closure and detour ahead. Except, that those who understood Welsh read: "I am not in my office today..." (Yes. I have a copy of the road sign on file.)
115
@Des Johnson
Sounds like a Monty Python outtake!
2
I just retired from my academic position, and one of the most satisfying things I did was post an "away from my mail" message to the effect that I may answer you when I feel like it. No more two+ hours every day spent answering e-mail! So liberating!
13
I got a new phone number in 2015, which was apparently once the phone number of an individual who skipped out on a number of bills. From time to time I receive phone calls from collection agencies “with an important message for Mr. Delinquent”. I block these, but every six months or so, the accounts are obviously sold on to a new collection agency, which calls from a new number that then has to be blocked.
I would like to program a special “away message” to the effect that “Mr. Delinquent is no longer at this number. He has gone away. Really away. He no longer has this number because he skipped out on the phone company, which at least had the wit to stop calling him at a number that they repossessed.”
Somehow, I just can’t see this as a moral issue. Not of the usual kind, anyway.
24
I loved it, David! A good laugh on a freezing cold day here in Portland.
28
I knew a professor who would say he was away and that you should email him again after he returned. He did not provide a date.
He was offended when I pointed out that sounded like he did not read accumulated email upon his return, as if in his absence it had never been.
But why else would I be expected to email him again?
I very much dislike out of office replies. They are very hard to do well.
4
@Clare
I dislike them too, especially when the out-of-office person is visiting our location. We have a face-to-face meeting, they ask me to email them my spreadsheet or whatever it is, and when I do, here comes the cheesy out of office email.
@Clare your professor is my hero. Student e-mail is mostly whiny.
I guess I would choose Boston. Their first album had some really good material on it but after that it was all b-side stuff. Supertramp and Journey were both inconsistent but they had some good songs that have stood the test of time.
41
On this question, my response to this article is BOTH:
1. The most exalted experience of my life, evidence of the universal goodness of mankind and the enrapturing beauty of the universe.
2. Like staring into a black pit of pure evil, a lineage-shaking trauma that will haunt my descendants from generation to generation.
I pause a moment in my life to share appreciation for the well-crafted depths of hilarity and darkness in this article. Thank you.
63
@Beth Doyle- I salute both the author and the comment writer!
11
In 2017, I brought my car into the dealership for some minor warranty repairs.
Afterward, a dealership employee emailed me saying I'd be receiving a survey and told me she would appreciate a perfect score:
"It would be greatly appreciated if you can take the time to fill it out. We love hearing our valued customer's feedback, Thank you again for your business.
P.S. Hate to ask, but if possible can you fill out the survey with 10's and Yes's on the whole survey. Thank you for your time."
Not one to suffer fools lightly, I wrote to the dealership management that rigged surveys, like rigged elections, are a disgrace to humanity.
Later, I received this half-baked, narcissistic apology email from the rigged surveyor who was still trying to rationalize the importance of rigging the survey.
"When a customer receives the survey the many questions they ask are related to the service facility, me, quality of workmanship, setting up for the appointment, etc. With all those questions the only person that gets truly affected by the survey is me. Some of the questions may have nothing to do with me but I am the one that is responsible to make sure the surveys are always top scores."
As was my civic duty at the time, I let that poor fake customer service soul and her manager know that honesty is something they might want to consider adding to their wretched customer service experience.
While I'm currently banned from that dealership, at least I can look at myself in the mirror.
362
@Socrates
The customer service person is stuck in a job where his company will punish him unless you say wonderful things about his service. If other employees get their customers to lie or puff for them, your employee will be at a disadvantage unless you do the same. The company is in effect asking you to spy on their employees and thereby help them exploit their employees more efficiently.
You can help the employer spy on the employees, help one of the employees to evade the employer, or take your business somewhere else. None of these choices are ideal. I took the second.
92
@sdavidc9
Exactly -- surveys pegged to particular employees are almost always used to criticize them. You may think giving a 4 out of 5 is praising them (because nobody's perfect and they did well), but in fact it's getting them into trouble. The dealership -- which is either soullessly big or part of a larger soullessly big enterprise -- isn't looking to improve; it's looking to do surveillance on its staff and to accumulate demerits to use when necessary. Dude, if you get consistent 4's from Uber drivers ("seemed a bit in a hurry but a nice guy, so yeah, 4 out of 5"), you're going to be the last person picked up in a surge.
19
@sdavidc9. And this is why I rarely do surveys or reviews
21
Welcome to InterFerence Utilities Corp. Press 1 if you need assistance. Press 2 to disconnect.
You have pressed 1. Welcome to Assistance. Press 1 if you have an account with us, depending upon the kind of account. Press 2 if your account is up to date. Press 3 if you are a home-care helper. Press 4 if you are the adult child of an account-holder. Press 5 if you are a trustee of an estate of an account-holder. Press 6 if you are homeowner. Press 7 if you are a contractor. Press 8 if you are a renter. Press 9 to hear these options again. Press 9 twice, quickly, if you are hard of hearing.
48
"The more things change..." I'm not certain where the line should be drawn--but living in an utterly transparent, straightforward world would probably be a worse kind of torture. I wish, though, that our current mode of insincerity were more witty; my suspicion is that there have been times in the past when it was.
13
This was great. Herb Caen is laughing in heaven. Looking forward to your automated phone tree satire.
57
You made my day, Someone Who Remembers Herb Caen. He was the best of the best.
3
@Just paying attention
Thank you for mentioning Herb Caen! God how I long for the days of the properly folded Chronicle section that allowed me to read Caen. Actually, just the thought of the time before this hell we have devised for ourselves when a person could buy a magnificent daily newspaper in every town in America and relish the wit and wisdom, the bon mots and the barbs of incisive writers like Caen. Stop the world, I want to get off!
1
Thanks. I will miss Russell Baker a little less. Perhaps you'll do a few more like this in the future.
100
Old school format. I enjoyed the style and had a laugh; reminded me of the columnists that my father read.
34
David! 3. In retrospect, which rock group’s success is more inexplicable, Journey, Boston or Supertramp?
First of all, What about Kansas? Second, Supertramp is awesome!
28
Seriously! Supertramp doesn’t even belong in this question. It should just be Journey, Boston and Kansas. And the right answer is Mister Mister. ;)
1
Am I the only person left who actually uses an away message when I'm really away? And, doesn't check emails until I am back? When I go on a vacation, I actually take a vacation, and don't look at business emails or texts, or listen to voice mails, or call the office for the entire vacation. Really.
192
@Ms. Pea
So glad to read this and see that someone still has a truly "away" vacation. What a joy such vacations are! May you enjoy many more.
I think most people feel a lack of control when they are not 'connected' at all times. But just the opposite is the case.
45
@Ms. Pea
That’s so funny. I’m in Seattle also & thought the same thing. What?? When people aren’t away they use their away messages?!? When I use my away message I really mean it. No one should expect a reply until I say I’m back. Take a real vacation people!
12
@Ms. Pea
As a member of the oft maligned millennial generation I don't check my work e-mails when I'm not at work... Unless I'm really really bored or someone bothers to call me about an e-mail.
12
Moral indecency is the most prevalent theme in the behavior of our culture today. There is nothing funny about it.
18
@Leslie Dee
Brooks' column wasn't about moral indecency, it was about the hypocrisy of away messages. Look around your dwelling, Les; you'll probably find your sense of humor hiding behind the living room couch.
1
Apropos of the security questions, I just had to do this the other day. One of the security questions was, "What is your favorite security question?"
I really liked it! So my answer was, "What is your favorite security question?"
It wouldn't let me do it!!
226
@Mark I like answering perfectly normal security questions in odd ways. Favorite animal? dragon. Mother's maiden name? cheese sandwich.
My wife likes to outsmart them with logic but puts a tiny twist on it. "Amazon password? OK, Amazon sells books, and Gutenberg invented the printing press... died in 1468... aha! they'll never guess this one: gutenberg1469!"
Come to think of it, the most secure way to do this would be to randomize the answers. Street you grew up on? HHSGDSDK*S6DF$Avenue
If asked for feedback, I will give this column 5 stars (or whatever the max is). I always give 5 stars when asked for feedback on anything. Because in today's world anything less than 5 stars is considered total failure and grounds for immediate dismissal, if not a re-education camp. Not only is there no room for C students anymore, even B students are looked at askance. We are driving each other crazy with our constant demands for perfection. Enough already.
269
A simpler but harsher view of this is found in basic healthcare. Elite doctors, specialised nurses, and high-tech imaging equipment aren,t worth much if no one will put you on a bedpan, or if your teeth fell out and you slept on them most of the night until a basic aide rescued you from pain.
In healthcare a good aide is "one who will verses one who wont".
21
I follow the same maximum protocol because I don't want to impact someone's employee review for absolutely no important reason. i take out my frustration in product reviews, where I can nitpick on things, not fallible people like me.
8
@Larry Covey just a coincidence that there is another article in the paper today on how girls are working harder in school towards perfection
Major company was getting 70% on their customer surveys. They need 80%; but, peopole generally will choose 7 on a 1 to 10 scale. What to do? Better training for customer reps, better systems? Or just change the scale to 1 to 5. Most people will choose 4 resulting in 80%. Mission accomplished!
161
@AnnaJoy
Another method: I took my car into a Toyota dealership to be serviced. The intake person commented that I had given them a bad score the last time I was there. I was perplexed as I had generally had good service there. I mentioned that. He said I had given them a 7 in a few categories and anything less than a 10 was considered a bad score. I never returned to that dealership again.
I later learned that all Toyota dealerships follow that practice. What good is a 10 if you have to be given the guilt trip to award one.
184
@Lori- I hope that was a rhetorical question!
@AnnaJoy
i’ve quit answering surveys of any kind. they are a damned imposition. almost every business uses one now and one cannot even be a customer without being hassled to rate the service/product, whatever, that one has ordered.
4
I laughed out-loud, hard - and in public. People think I am crazy. Thanks for this! One of the funniest pieces I have read in a while.
104
@Paul The column seemed especially appropriate for a week in which we learned a Bitcoin purveyor died without leaving the password and security questions necessary to access the 197million dollars in the account.
1
Wonderful column ... I agree that these inhuman messages are adding to people’s sense of isolation and disengagement. That said, I was shocked and thrilled this morning when I received two (2!!!!) appointment reminder calls from real human beings. Yippee!! Each call took all of 15 seconds. For the first time in several years I didn’t have to spend at least 5 minutes listening to a recording, pressing a number, listening to another recording and pressing another number just to confirm an appointment.
83
@Elizabeth Cook Maybe when we are asked if we are willing to take a short survey of our buying experience we make the caller wait a half hour on the phone until we respond.
1
This column made me laugh until I cried. In gratitude, I would happily give David all my travel miles, if only I could access them.
526
Dear moderation team for the NYTimes.
I suspect that you are careless and soulless bot that has been programmed to negate about 40% of commonly used words in the English language, but I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt.
We readers (through various hoops and advertising displays) have made it to a particular column and from a particular writer that we may like, or just have interest in reading from. We then read dutifully said column and then some of us, (you know who you are) feel COMPELLED to offer our opinion on said columns and ideas, or just rant at the moon or another comment.
We are very busy individuals, where our time is quite indeed valuable and we take this whole process very seriously. We sometimes are left wondering and feeling a little abused when, after taking massive amounts of time to get just right our comment, that it is then ''disappeared'' into some void, never to be seen from again.
We would like this to stop,
Sincerely, Joe Reader.
279
@FunkyIrishman Amen! About 1 out of every 4 comments I send never appear, and for no apparent reason.
21
@FunkyIrishman - Tis the curse of the Green Check, granted to Verified Commenters (which has now been obscured to the uninformed... what they don't know won't annoy them), whose every, sometimes excessive commentary is automatically published.
For the rest of us, we have the Black Hole. Where our masterpieces are forever lost.
It is my opinion that you should be given the Green Check. I always read your excellent commentary and admire your ability to express your thoughts so clearly and with great economy, so keep posting!
35
@Deb
Ahh, you are too kind. I always say that we all have it in us, and perhaps just need to practice putting out there our thoughts. Hard to do, when not all of them appear on the written page. (even in digital form)
Forgive me for my ''network'' moment.
3
Right on!
6
A black pit of enrapturing beauty!
8
Looks like Rima filled out the survey...
2
David does realize he's the important mucky-muck that people feel obligated to return his message immediately right?
7
Comic relief in difficult times.
28
Dave,
Do more of these satirical columns.
131
@Steve Sailer - NOOOOOO! Please no. This was terrible.
What? We all loved it. You need to chill
1
@Steve Sailer, I thought all of Brooks' columns were satire
2
You want attention…send money.
7
Dear David,
I have read your column for over 20 years. Although I seldom agree with you, I want to let you know more personally of my appreciation. The Times has my email address; write me.
Best regards,
Old F.
14
Thanks David. It's nice to see you writing something that makes perfect sense.
23
Well, David...you nailed this column. Big hug.
15
Reading this column was a complete waste of three minutes.
It isn’t in my worldview to be rude or overbearing but I really didn’t get the point of your exercise. Was it that people gravitate toward those who can serve them? If so, it’s far from cutting-edge.
We just bore witness to a completely pointless SOTU monologue of pure monotonous nonsense. There are serious subjects for serious writers but—and I’m really trying to help you here—this column tells me, at any rate, that you’re not among them.
The state of Virginia wants to jump into the Atlantic tonight because it is leaderless and awash in racism and allegations of forced sexual contact of the most intimate kind. And you write of the “away” email?
Maybe it’s just me.
26
@Red Sox, '04, '07, '13, ‘18,
No; it’s not just you.
3
@Red Sox, '04, '07, '13, ‘18,
Red Sox, no it is not just you. Any sane person who has had to live through the past two years in this country ought to have the same viewpoint. Thank you for continuing to speak out.
3
@Red Sox, '04, '07, '13, ‘18,
Yep. It’s just you.
9
The lives we live... thanks David Brooks.
16
Managing the design of a $1 billion infrastructure project in the Middle East, I took a 2 week vacation, completely unplugged and went walking in the Swiss Alps, with the complete consent of my boss, because the project was on track and there was someone trained to fill my spot while I was gone.
No one should be indispensable. That's what makes it possible to work hard and still have a life.
Thanks for the laugh, Mr. Brooks!
49
@J Jencks
Many years ago, before cell phones, my husband and I spent a week backpacking in a remote part of the Rocky Mountains. When his boss asked him how he could be reached, he replied, "I'll be a two-days walk from the nearest road".
Those were the days!
11
@margaret,
Your backpacking hike with your spouse long ago, brought to mind a long summer where my corporate boss on the board of a well-known company was visiting with the chairman and other members, a magnificent view of the splendors of lost horizons.
All you have to do, he asked before his departure, is place a call to a 'house' and ask for the price ten days from now.
Hurrah, vacation time in the office, plenty of time to read and no calls from my boss, or other clients. Wrong! An email arrived the following day, asking for an opinion which required legal assistance.
No need for alarm, a call is placed to the lawyer in Paris who has taken the opportunity in his absence to visit the joys of Russia. Deep-freeze, I go in search of my boss via phone, only to find out that the Board has taken off to another region of a vast country.
My boss calls in two days later, while I look at a stack of faxes. His voice tells me that he is home sick, and I begin with "We regret to inform you that a slight accident has occurred with the handling of The (pick your favorite artist), and...' to be interpreted as smashed to smithereens. Silence. The temperature remains mild, followed by a tepid 'well, that's life for you'.
A 24-hour window of serenity before thunder comes roaring in, along with outrage, and the end of the vacation.
2
This is the first time you've made me laugh, at least on purpose. Well done. You can email me and get my away message if yo like...
11
Dear Reader,
Thank you for commenting on my silly NYT column. It's winter's end and just a scant few days after another depressingly dishonest Trump speech. Will this dismal national nightmare ever end? I apologize for being so trivial and cynical, but it was the best I could do under the circumstances. I desperately wanted to find a silver lining in all this smoky gray miasma, but it's just not there. At least not today.
As for you, surely you must have something better to do than waste your time commenting on palpable nonsense. Get a life! Plus, nobody really cares what you think. Do you actually imagine your precious few words of wisdom are going to change the trajectory of history? Your time would be far better spent binge-watching "Game of Thrones". Or at the neighborhood tavern playing darts. Anything but this.
Sincerely,
David Brooks
82
@woofer
Terrific! I tried something similar; yours is better. Glad to find there is someone else out there that is incredulous that the Times sets aside space for trivial observations, particularly in a time of daily outrageous, confusion and insecurity affecting real people, even D.B's fan club.
E. Drangel
1
So, the person in the first message should reply to no one, or everyone? And if they don't, they're "morally indecent?"
I find this absurd. You don't owe anyone response, just because they sent you a message.
2
Pretty funny, David. I think the last time you made me laugh was “Bobos in Paradise.” What halcyon days those were.
19
Superb. Prompted laughing & thinking. Then re-reading & re-thinking. But sadly, no more laughing.
93
@ddbbuu
Much ado about NOTHING.
@ddbbuu Yep, no more laughing.
1
If you want a real challenge, try unlocking your phone with AT&T. It's a Rubic's Cube type scenario, turn to this page, then roll back four and over three more. Then get an email with a 27 alpha-symbolic-numerical sequence that you "cannot" copy-paste. I was successful after a four hour adventure.
Thank you David Brooks for providing a smiley column, it's needed in these dark times.
26
Obviously some readers have absolutely no sense of humor and took this literally. It is not what was “composed”, but is the undercurrent that is always implied. And that actually happens.
10
Dear Mr. Brooks,
Thank you for calling the Hell's Angels headquarters. How may I provide you with very satisfying customer service today?
Yes sir, I can certainly help you with wanting to get Vinny on the line. Before I provide with with excellent service, is their anything else I can do to take ownership of your concern?
Um... yes... right... I have Vinny on the line for you. Before I put him through, my goal today has been to provide you with very satisfying customer service. Have I provided you with satisfying customer service or very satisfying customer service?
There's a reason some places don't have "Very satisfying customer service," or pester their customers to death for feedback.
7
Absolutely hilarious!
I've come to the conclusion, metaphorically speaking, that technology is our Tower of Babel, our Titanic, our own arrogance. Just as then, we are blinded to whom we are; as then, all fortune and intelligence is screaming in one direction. Not to follow is not possible.
As your fellow traveler, the only remaining question is,
"Red or white?"
4
Yeah, baby...passing it on to others.
Hope it, and a nice single malt helped.
2
David Brooks is right. It is all insanity. The technology that was supposed to free us has enslaved us, and has distanced us from other people.
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@Dan,
You might wish to visit an exchange between Gail Collins and David Brooks a decade ago, where they share an amusing yet realistic view of how modern technology has enhanced our lives in many ways.
Technological progress is a handy tool; one has to know how to use it, and sending you appreciation for your input, while still in learning mode here.
2
Very funny. And appropriate to the zeitgeist.
4
I'm confused. I think we need to talk about terminology. Is Brooks talking about away messages or auto-responses?
Away messages are when the icon on your google chat goes idle. If you need an extended away message, you set up your desktop drinking bird to tap the mouse in your web browser. Hopefully you're back before the boss notices.
An auto-response is a bounce back you send when you are actually gone. I intentionally choose vacation destinations with limited digital connectivity. I don't care how gold plated your desk chair is; you can reach me by smoke signal or not at all. My time.
Brooks isn't really describing either. He's talking about the phone-answering maze writ large. Artificial intelligence is the buzz phrase right now but we've been dealing with this sort of formulaic interaction for awhile now.
Honestly though, I wonder if the morally decent thing to do is simply leave the phone unanswered and block the caller. Unless I'm getting paid to pick up, I don't have to talk to you if I don't feel like it. Even if I'm getting paid, it's not enough.
83
@Andy I don't think the columnists choose the headlines.
2
@Andy
TLDR: don't take yourself so seriously
5
@Andy Does the drinking bird really work? What a great idea, Andy. Thanks!
1
This made me think—the bit about the airlines especially—of Kafka’s “The Castle,” one of my favorite books in the world. It’s the only Kafka novel I’ve read twice, and I’m convinced it’s his greatest work, unfinished as it is. An apt novel for our time, perhaps for all time.
2
I run customer service for a small retail brand and I think I should link this to the end of our customer service emails. So funny!
45
Loved this one! Will use it.
20
More Brooksian hodgepodges... This one's more meh than usual.
An away message is supposed to be useful in a business setting in which interruptions in interaction with particular people disrupts business. How people compose them, I suppose, is what Brooks is trying to illustrate here.
Brooks is right in that, more often than not, these days, away messages will be one long string of if-then statements that complicate what should be the short and sweet.
The authentication example is not a good one in this day and age. Two-factor authentication is a necessity, especially when the need for extra security comes from the malpractice of big corporations. Our passwords, along with banking, ID, credit, email and other information are on the dark web now, thanks to banks, credit bureaus and other companies who didn't invest in good IT departments. Hackers are blackmailing hapless users.
We are the product now. The more we enhance the quality of the data companies have on us, by answering their surveys, the better they'll target their ads as we read the NYT, Facebook, etc. It's really creepy to see just how obvious it is that absolutely every company with an online presence spies on us and projects the results of that spying right back in the form of ads for the very things you just looked at on your computer or phone.
---
Things Trump Did While You Weren’t Looking [2019]
https://wp.me/p2KJ3H-3h2
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Hey @Rima Regas: "We are the product now"?
I presume that reduces us all to commodity status in servitude to the needs of our brave new technological economy. Sorry pal; not buying that. Gonna continue to make my own decisions and try not to be a complete tool of the machine.
3
@David Cummings
I commend you for your effort. I hope you'll share your strategies.
A Gizmodo journalist wrote about her experience in " I Tried to Block Amazon From My Life. It Was Impossible," published on January 30th. https://wp.me/p2KJ3H-3h2
3
@Rima Regas,
Greetings of the day, and clarity of thought is misty here. A friend sent word from JFK that help was needed. It was during the recession, and a well-known bank wanted to place her family house in escrow. In praise of modern technology, we were able to have a phone exchange on the above.
To make a short story short, after listening to the details and hearing her stress, the anxiety of a friend who has never taken a short cut in her life, I told her that thousands of people were receiving these notices, adding that the bank was not interested in her personal life, and that we would have to send a letter overwriting the above.
This is when it is wise to remember we are 'tools', and a sterile monotone reply, pointing out that the error is theirs, concluding that the reputation of the bank is at stake.
Not only are we 'the product', but 'The Customer is always Right' policy rarely applies. We are the ones, being asked for our credentials, our references, and when answering a survey, it often requests our tax health, and the address of our last residence.
While you do not have time to waste, it is a bit of a lark to pretend on the web that you are in search of a pair of shades, and up pops the Ads for boutique eye wear. As of now, I am being recruited to become a security patrol officer at the border and bring muscle to our military.
Should you send word that you are hostage to a hotel in Scotland surrounded by sheep, I will recognize that this is a scam.
3