I’m confused why the dad’s desire to not have his kid’s existence disclosed to a third party should be respected, when not long ago you advised a parent that she was within her rights to disclose info about her adult kids and their lives to her ex-husband despite their known desire to not have it shared. You even suggested the kids should “respect her decision” to give out this info about them and made it the moral equivalent of her “respecting” their choice to not have a relationship with their dad (even though her version of respecting that was reaching out to someone she has no relationship with with the explicit intent of circumventing their choice). Yet here, you suggest that it would be unethical for this woman to disclose her existence because her birth dad made an agreement with her adoptive parents. She wasn’t party to that agreement.
Parents don’t own their kids or their adult child’s info. If, in the parental case, a father was entitled to info about his adult child against their wishes, why is a half-sister not entitled to know she has one? Why is a mom entitled to share info about her kids because it is in some way her life, too, but an adult child is not entitled to share the fact that she is alive at all? Why can a dad dictate that his two kids not know each other, but an adult child can’t dictate what info about their life is shared with a parent?
I’m confused as to why the ethics would be so different in these two cases. Especially in the ways you suggest.
4
In regards to the writer who decided not to do the DNA testing for fear of it being shared, most DNA companies have the option to keep your results private. I kept mine private because I was only intereested in knowing my ancestors country or countries of orgin. DNA testing can be a can of worms one may not want to open up for the public to see. Once privacy is given away it cannot be taken back.
2
LW2 can go ahead with genetic testing with a clear conscience. He or she can wind up finding all sorts of relatives, not just half-siblings, and whether the purpose is medical history or genealogy, that purpose can be satisfied. If the half-sister happens to do testing, she will see the letter writer and make up her own mind as to whether to make contact or not. LW2 may choose to reach out to the sibling before or after the father dies, and the sibling may choose to pursue the matter or not. It should not be up to the biological father to set the rules for future generations.
Re test question cheating. I think the original question is bogus! The tutor has a network of little Baker Street Irregulars who turn over the questions, which are then passed on to the client for free? Unlikely!
1
I was so upset when quickly reading your column yesterday, I hit the following language: "norms about extramarital sex and illegitimacy." No no no! Illegitimacy used in a sentence like that presumes it exists. There is no such state for a child. All children are legitimate. Full stop.
13
Regarding the question: should I turn in the tutor who gave me test questions, I have a serious problem with one aspect of your answer: “At the same time, I’m not sure what the point would be of telling the high school the tutor’s name.”
There are two issues here: 1.) Breaking rules, or perhaps laws, and 2.) Taking actions which are WRONG (this is the main element of ethics, is it not?)
How about that this tutor should be exposed for propagating cheating, and prevented in whatever way is possible from continuing to do so? There may be legal actions that can be taken by the school or the school district. This tutor is taking actions to advance some students — against the rules — to the detriment of others.
I am astounded and disappointed that in a column titled “The Ethicist” you would suggest the parent abdicate the responsibility of making this person’s transgressions known, and thereby through passivity, allow the continuation of this cheating.
12
A key element is missing in the answer on adoption and protecting the birth father: Does she have his medical profile? Parents who hide this information from their children are endangering their health or lives by hiding conditions that may be genetic but about which the current generation are totally unaware. The writer, whether acting to contact her half sister or not, needs to get that medical information--it can be critical to the writer's health.
7
Were you "cheating" when you hired a tutor? After all, many parents couldn't have afforded to do that. The answers given to the expected questions will help your son get into a more excellent High School, and thereby get a more favorable chance at learning more than he otherwise would. In the end though, what he learns may or may not help him live a successful life. Perhaps you've improved his chances a bit. Isn't that what parents are suppose to do?
2
@Marty this is like saying that getting extra coaching for sports or spending a lot of time in the batting cages (which cost money and are therefore not available to all) is the same as, say, using a corked bat. One is within the rules and your results will at least accurately reflect your skills, even if you had extra practice. The other is not within the rules and makes you look better than you are.
You are supposed to help your kids succeed, yes, but you also have an obligation to teach them right from wrong. Allowing them to cheat, and in fact encouraging them and perhaps even pressuring them to cheat by giving them the questions, is failing to provide them with a moral compass.
5
As Maureen Dowd's Column stated yesterday, this is a "dog eat dog" world. Your son should take and use every opportunity to take advantage and get ahead on the test. The questions may change with each testing session, but there is no harm in letting your son see the questions to get a feel for the nature of the test and the nature of the questions.
We make a big deal about having experience in America, so "experiencing" the test questions will help your son. The object of American education is to get into a good school in order to get a good education so that your son, or anyone, can be an asset to this country now and as he grows into adulthood.
Testing is merely a means of looking for the right answers to any given test. It has no application in the real world of daily life. The best way to deal with life is to have life experience(s). The object of life is to get ahead, to be a success and not to be a burden to society. We are all looking for answers in this miserable life on this dying planet. If we can get those answers then we can be better citizens and be of value to our fellow human beings.
Expediency is the name of the game in our lives and times. We all must do whatever is necessary to succeed in our lives. At the end of the day the bottom line is that we have led a successful life for ourselves and others and have been part of the solution and not a societal burden and part of the problem.
2
@Reggie; To have the "life experience" of cheating will not make a "better citizen". Your philosophy is deeply horrifying.
16
Mr. Appiah has gotten the issues around adoption wrong in the past, as well. "You should still try to respect past agreements..." This is the notion that some arbitrary person can make a "promise" on another adult's behalf. The adoption agency can, at most, promise they won't provide identifying information. They cannot promise anything on behalf of the adoptee once they are an adult. In what other scenario is this OK? It also presumes that the damage done to the adoptee by this "agreement" is somehow insignificant compared to the damage that might be done to the biological father if the truth came out; that the adoptee should eat the consequences of the biological father's "mistake," rather than the biological father owning his own behavior, uncomfortable as it may be. Seeking a connection with a half-sibling is not an attempt to punish the biological father. Any discomfort on the bio father's part is simply the collateral consequences of his own actions.
19
I can only say one thing, absolutely!
1
Reminds me of the year I graduated high school in NY and it was rumored the answers to the Regents exams were on sale in the last car of the LIRR. The exams were cancelled that year. Oh, happy days!
6
What? The response is so convoluted that I can't tell what principles are involved.
The world has changed: everythng is now full disclosure..
Exam questions: First of all, did something reportable really happen here? I'm thinking of the many exams I took: College, graduate school, medical school, specialty boards. The questions/answer sets floating around are always at least a year old and are often even posted by examining authorities as 'practice exams'. Questions are changed constantly by examiners. There are computer programs devoted to this. You're not getting anything illegal unless someone actually breaks into an office or computer and steals the questions for an upcoming exam. Hard to do in this day and age. Even if someone (illegally) were to record the questions during the test, the questions would be changed for the next exam. Even students sitting in the same exam room may get different questions! Proctoring for the exams is close to jail monitoring these days! The tutor received some questions students remembered after the exam (we all have 4 to 5 questions that puzzled us in an exam and that we seem to remember forever). I don't see anything reportable unless it's the gullability of the parent in believing in an 'edge'.
7
In regards to the letter on closed adoption my feelings are these ; the child, now the adult writing the letter, was not involved in any of the decisions made at the time of adoption and yet these decisions have impacted on and altered the course of his or her life ! In regards to the birth father not wanting his younger daughter to know he had fathered another child I say this ; Why should he be in the position of power ? Why should his needs, wants rights, feelings and decisions, supersede those of everyone else involved ? Why does the starting point of the ethical considerations rest with him ,when there are numerous other ethical considerations pertaining to the younger sister and the writer of the letter ? Coming first in the time line shouldn't bestow such power ! It may be his wish to keep this secret ,but it isn't his right.It is a fact, that revealing yourself may not have the outcome you desire ,but every step you take in life has this risk.The result may also be more wonderful than you imagine !
31
Does the tutor hold a New York State teaching certificate? If so, he should be reported. The state Dept. Of Education website should guide you in that process. He clearly violated the educators’ code of ethics. We know he was aware of this because he asked you not to tell anyone.
7
@Jeff Kology
If the tutor got the questions from students who had taken the exam, they're OLD questions. Since the students, I assume, were not sworn to secrecy (which would be useless anyway), there is nothing illegal or unethical about sharing the questions with others. I'm sure the exam board changes the questions for each exam season. Check with them before jumping to conclusions.
13
Boy! The moral compass is way off in this country when we have to ask this question. And we promote ourselves as a moral country. Shame on us.
5
Yes.
Now, wasn't that easy?
3
Re the question about adoption and genetics testing. Wheee on earth did you get the idea that the Catholic Church allows or permits medical procedures to save the mother's life while sacrificing thenlive of the fetus? It is not true. The Cstholi Church takes the position that the mother should be willing to die rather than put the fetus at risk. This postion is baked into the medical policies of every Catholic hospital. As a result, in my opinion women who allow themselves to be treated a Catholic hospitals are putting their lives at risk. I suggest that the author look these things up before he writes such balderdash!
18
@Justice Holmes
I agree with "Justice Holmes". I have also been taught as a Catholic that the Catholic Church will not allow medical procedures that might harm the foetus, even if the result is the death of the mother.
5
@Justice Holmes - Look up "double effect". If for example a Fallopian tube contains an ectopic pregnancy, the diseased tube can be removed to save the mother, even though doing so will kill the embryo. That result is anticipated, but not desired, so the Catholic Church considers it okay.
Mental gymnastics, really.
1
"Oh dear" to quote the New York Times' Ethicist Mr. Kwame Appiah, who also memorably said "At the same time, I'm not sure what the point would be of telling the school the tutor's name." Well, let's put it the way. If Mr. Appiah can seriously ask that question, I despair that he would ever understand the answer. Perhaps what this present column needs is a genuine ethicist to review and comment upon this "ethicists's " responses.
13
Not report this tutor's name? He should be drummed out of the business. Of course report him. Otherwise it is very unfair to every other student who doesn't have the opportunity.
What message are we sending children to let this guy get away with this?
15
Kickback is the name of the game. Tutors have been giving answers for years and the schools know it. NYT should have done a news story on this years ago.
They also have a "hook" into each school. One tutor offered us Bronx High School of Science. I couldn't afford the tutor for Stuyvesant. I used neither.
2
What's perverted about Kwame Anthony Appiah's answer to LW2 is that he expects the writer to act unselfishly while completely forgiving her father for acting selfishly. All Appiah's concern is for impact on the father & his new family. As far as Appiah is concerned, the writer should simply shut up & stay invisible. (Or maybe, once her father dies, she can discreetly make herself known on an ancesttry website.)
Appiah's bottom line here (echoed by many in the thread) is that the parents who renounce their infant kids have an absolute right to eternal privacy while their kids have an absolute right to get lectured by moral simpletons.
16
Regarding the adoptee..Why is everyone assuming the writer is a woman? There is nothing in the letter that suggests it. My adult son could easily have written it, as he was part of a closed adoption and has a biological half-sister he has chosen not to meet. Beware of your assumptions!
3
@Dale Wilson
"He didn’t want his (younger) daughter to know he had fathered another child."
Two daughters -- one given up for adoption, another born later. The former is the letter-writer.
At least, that's my interpretation (disclaimer: English is not my native language).
1
@Dale Wilson
The writer describes the father's other child as his "(younger) daughter, so we can infer that the writer is also a daughter.
1
@Dominik Jacobs
That could merely be included to identify the father's other child, a daughter, as younger than the child given up for a closed adoption. I don't see it as conclusive one way or the other.
That said, it doesn't really matter with regard to the advice.
2
I think that the most ethical option would be to publish the list of questions so that everyone has access to them, not just the cheaters. This would place all candidates on equal footing and force the school to take action to prevent this in the future.
9
I so often am not satisfied with this Ethicist's replies. The tutor should be reported, by name, to the proper authorities. That's the issue being posed by the letter writer. For the ethicist then to do an opinion piece about entrance exams and tutoring is really beside the point. But since that issue was raised, let me say that entrance exams are fine and the issue is NOT exams, but good education for all. Tutoring for exams is pointless. Have tutoring during the years when specific subjects need more help.
7
As a longtime tutor, I am very offended by the tutor's behavior of cheating. Why wouldn't the parent report the tutor and by name? He should be stopped even if previous clients were able to cheat. Isn't this column about ethics? If he has a license/certificate he should be reported and it should be taken away from him.
15
Closed adaption.
My solution would be to write another letter to the birth father laying out the following decision. I respect your wish, me not contacting your other child during your life but here is a copy of the letter I will send to her once you've died.
It will be the father's decision to discuss it with his daughter the existence of another child or not. Once he is dead he has no right to expect the other child respect his wishes. As the ethicist said, times had changed. His irresponsible action decades ago, does not give him right to control the future. It will be the decision of the daughter to accept the offer of knowing a half-sibling.
7
The tutor needs to be reported to the school, and before the son takes the test. Otherwise, the parent is complicit, and the child's future is put at risk: if the child gets into the school and the tutor's actions are later revealed, then every client of the tutor will be considered a cheater.
9
There should be one exception to this. If the adoptee has a medical condition in which some form of lifesaving transplant is needed, the genetic typing access to the birth parent could be critical!
1
@Louis A. Carliner; Actually, this access would not be necessary unless you assume the natural parent would offer an acknowledged child's stem cells. This, I think, is highly unlikely.
1
Regarding the situation of a tutor passing along exam questions: How could acceptance at a particular school be more important than how the acceptance is achieved? How will such a student manage the future challenges that are fundamental to attending such a school? Such "help" is essentially a message to the kid that the cheating is necessary because he or she doesn't have whatever it takes. I would confront such a "tutor" and let him know that his lack of confidence in the student and his stretchy morality make him a poor role model. Then fire the creep. Then tell your son what you did, and why.
10
A very different take on this because all involved are long deceased, but my maternal grandmother was adopted into a wealthy Boston family 1892 when she was 2 years old. While her parents were very open that she had been adopted, no one ever knew (or disclosed) anything about her biological parents and my grandmother did not want to know. My mother and uncle never pursued it either. All we knew was her birthday, that she was of Irish heritage, and the city the adoption was registered.
Now, more than a hundred years later my son found a birth record online and with DNA tests through Ancestry and 23andMe has confirmed the name and identity of my grandmother's birth mother (we even found her burial site).
Her birth father was not the man she was married to (according to DNA from known family members) so it has taken more investigative work through DNA to find him. But, my son has already found some family links. He has made connections (phone calls, in person visits) with some long lost "family". Of course, there is no drama or societal judgement involved, and medical history isn't an issue, but it has been a fascinating and more emotional journey (all of this has taken years to piece together) than I ever anticipated.
In the case of this person, I would reach out to the half sister. There is nothing gained by concealment and eventually the various "social" media and DNA tests are going to bring it to light. Keeping secrets is toxic!
13
@Jenna
". . . my grandmother did not want to know. My mother and uncle never pursued it either. All we knew was her birthday, that she was of Irish heritage, and the city the adoption was registered."
Maybe your grandmother DID want to know but was sensitive, as many/most/all adopted children are, and realized that asking questions was not a good idea.
As to her birthday? There were adoptive parents who preferred to celebrate the day of adoption to the day of birth.
As to Irish heritage? Agencies were notorious for changing the real nationalities of birth parents to more desirable ones. E.g., children of German parents were said to be Dutch or Norwegian or Swedish, etc. (Donald Trump lied about his German ancestry and said he was of Swedish descent.)
2
@Jenna; I could have written your first sentence with an earlier date. My grandmother definitely did not want to know. Now that only my generation is left, I'm trying to find out.
Students in nyc examining testing for elite schools are forbidden to capture testing questions by written oral photo or otherwise electronic capture ... they are not permitted to share questions after sitting their exams.
This is disseminated public info about policy given to students and their families as well as their institutions, and the public.
Furthermore: as a former and long term tutor it is true that disadvantage has a longstanding problem and I am complicit in it by accepting money in exchange for assisting students who can pay whether that is a portion or a full payment of a sum that some kids can not afford at all, to learn skills beyond mere study habits. This is called either remediation for missed content, or actual gain in skills beyond grade level expected for given performance tier for the elite standard approached towards. For example, I brought students work at the graduate PhD level to bring them where they could be at sophomore level in applying for freshman year as juniors in high school. This is standard for elite tutoring ... the point is the ethicist downplays the access inequality issue I think intelligently in order to highlight for the parent guardians in the Audience and the colleague teachers and tutors who may be the same ppl as some do the same jobs— they ought to report the stolen tests in nyc, the test thief sellers, and anyone in the syndicate. And to admissions offices and the schools they (the families attend) =>transparency
1
Dear Ethicist,
I thought this one was easy. What would happen to a student found cheating on the test? So to the person who enables cheating if it is too hard to apply accountability...let it go?
This is exactly why people who understand how the "real" world works remain jaded to ideas around meritocracy and admissions based solely on testing.
7
I attended two universities at which the athlete's were provided test questions and frequently, the answers as well. I left the first private university partially because I was outraged, the other reason was due to the students' rampant antisemitism. I gave up and in, at the second public university. The more things change, the more they remain the same, I fear.
2
In the case of the tutor, it is precisely because the tutor in question was selling his services that I would suggest turning his name in. Not to mention for the sake of the integrity of the whole testing enterprise. Otherwise, by what other means will it be possible or feasible to encourage him to stop his rule-breaking actions? You could confront him yourself, but you may rightly feel it’s not your responsibility. Moreover, he may may just ignore you. It’s best to leave it to those in charge.
However, I concur that if you do turn his name in, you are under no obligation to let him know. Indeed, for all he knows it could have been any number of folks doing so. Cheaters rarely cheat once.
7
Regarding the question from the adopted person: your response neglects to value him in this process. The covenant of secrecy was made in an era driven by values we no longer weigh as heavily-the value of appearances and social morality, the value of hiding the truth being worth more than a human being's right to be recognized and acknowledged. And I understand not changing the rules in the middle of a game-but there are plenty of instances we have become enlightened and changed the rules because doing so served a social correction-and in the case of a closed adoption, every living being has the right to the biological/genetic tie of their being. Moral of the story-don't do anything ever that you could regret or keep secret so there is no change the future will rewrite the rules.
2
I don't think students should attend prep classes or have tutors to prepare them for standardized tests. Those tests are supposed to be a measure of what you have learned over the years. If a student can't do well on these tests without last-minute prep work that they will forget as soon as the test is over, maybe they are not prepared enough for the schools they are applying for.
9
LW1: If the answers provided by the tutor are used by multiple students, then a well-constructed test will identify those students who are cheating by using their answers.
Of course if the test was well-written not all questions would be the same test over test; only a small proportion that might or might not be used in grading.
LW2: I can't imagine finding out about a half-sibling after it is no longer possible to ask my parent about it.....
3
In graduate school, we had to take an exam before proceeding from the Master's program to the Doctoral program. All of the earlier exam questions, for all the previous exams were available to us. But the answers were not. I slogged through working out almost every past question, and when I took the actual exam did quite well. A similar approach to the college entrance exams might also prove useful, that is, put the hundreds of questions previously asked and give all students the chance to slog through them as I and many other students had to do.
14
How many people actually need the medical info? Among my extended relatives no one had illnesses that required medical histories of ancestors. How often does this issue come up in reality? I note now doctors taking my history confine themselves to oarents and siblings, no aunts or uncles or grandparents. Pls withhold judgemental comments; I’m curious as some actual stats.
3
@ellie k. I assisted an adoptee with medical issues whose physician asked repeatedly about her family history. Adoptees do not know their bio parents or siblings. And, their bio families do not know theirs. In my own family relatives have come back from the doctor with particular directives to have siblings begin cancer screenings early because of unusual findings.
10
@ellie k.
I found out through my personal genealogy research that both of my grandmothers died from breast cancer, one at age 37. I use this information to guide my health decisions. It is up to each individual to use family health patterns as she or he wishes.
Knowledge is power and may greatly improve one's own destiny.
10
@ellie k. I had numerous symptoms of MS, but two neurologists doubted the diagnoses of two internists. Then I discovered on a google website page that one of my father’s (geographically distant) sisters had the disease.
Having genetic information can avoid a lifetime of physical and mental suffering. This is true of numerous illnesses and conditions.
7
It feels as if many people believe the onus is on the adoptee not to reveal herself. Why?
I don’t want to upend people’s lives but when I got my DNA results I knew almost instantly the man listed as my birth father indeed was—-friend of my birth mother’s brother and other info in himself too recent obit showed that.
I was happy as he wasn’t the dissolute abuser my birth mother had let people think was my birth father. He died at 33; my real birth father died at 90.
My birth siblings contacted me but when they found out the closeness of the relationship didn’t want anything to do with me.
While I can accept that, another part of me believes that if you don’t want “unpleasant” surprises, don’t have your DNA analyzed.
For some of us it’s not about tracing roots—-that seems almost frivolous to me, but finding out who conceived us, what our medical history is, and much more.
12
Both of these responses are excellent. And this is one of my favorite features of the NYT. Thanks.
17
@Tom Rowe
This is a tribute to the value of philosophy in everyday life.
2
From 2008-2018, on behalf of the Admissions Department, I evaluated high school seniors who applied to the University of Chicago and requested a local interview.
One bright young man revealed his disappointment that widespread cheating had gone on at his school during the S.A.T. exam. The school, in western Broward County, Florida, was a locus of upscale families with high expectations for their children.
Yes, there were plenty of faculty proctors on the job, but no, they ignored the open whispers and passings of notes.
Somewhat outraged myself, I decided to notify someone of management's failure but could not decide on just whom to notify. As far as I knew, the principal may have been behind it, wanting to maintain his reputation as head of a high-performing school.
So, I sent off a notice to someone at the testing service in Princeton. Surely, she would want to know that her system was failing so that she could establish a way to strengthen the process nationwide. But no, an answer of "South Florida" was not sufficient; she only wanted the name of the one school, which I would not supply.
Reason: I was sure she would identify me as the source of the tip to the high school, and then it would be easy for the staff and the lad's classmates to identify the students I met with that month. That would create a stew of trouble for them and a snitch stigma for him.
So that's what goes on. UChicago no longer offers local interviews and I am out of it.
16
@LarryAt27N
P.S. Just realized that, thanks to the passage of time, I can now safely reveal the name of the high school. It is Cypress Bay in Weston, Florida.
5
The tutor is providing an added advantage to those who can afford his services, thereby further skewing the playing field. He should be reported; let the school take whatever measures are necessary to stop him as the help so provided is at best superficial.
13
I can't imagine why these schools don't change the tests from year to year. It seems like a no brainer that people would do this sort of thing. I took a Stanley Kaplan course years ago and the exact same questions appeared on my exam. We know this happens and that those with money for prep tests and classes have an advantage so stop repeating questions. Make the effort to level the playing field (coming from someone who had the advantages but sees the unfairness of it).
21
@amy -- Assuming your implicit question is real, not merely rhetorical, there is a good explanation why the testing companies don't change their entire tests from year to year. The way that these large-scale multiple-choice tests are developed requires each question to be test-run several times without counting towards a taker's score, so that the question can be compared for "reliability" and "validity" against previously-used questions. This is a lengthy process and means that each question being graded has already appeared several times before being counted in anyone's score. It also means that the testing company has an investment in each question such that it makes no economic sense to throw the question away after one use. Without doing this process, there's a serious risk that some unreliable or invalid questions will be counted towards scores; with this process, there's the cheating problem that we are now discussing in this thread. Having a testing system that is so easily and unfairly hacked is unacceptable, but the suggestion of changing the tests from year to year is commercially and statistically unacceptable, too. So far, nobody seems to have come up with a solution that avoids both problems.
1
Every school can be an excellent school and everyone should have access to them. There is no reason why this can't happen in the richest country in the world.
9
In this brave new world, the response depends. If the youngster is able to detect even the slightest connection to an ethnie that has been (self-)declared historically un- or under-represented, then said youngster is fully entitled to use any means to correct said injustice.
The fact that this will create a number of new injustices is seen as irrelevant.
1
Wow, this one has everything. I applaud the parent who is aware that an expensive tutor is a privilege, but allowing his son to take advantage of being able to cheat is not part of the deal. How many parents in this position would think gaming the system is what money buys, advantage?
I say send the document anonymously to the colleges in question and notify the tutor you are doing so. How they handle this is their own moral dilemma.
Full disclosure, I’m a college professor and applaud his not allowing his son an ill gotten advantage. The best moral lesson of all.
42
@Oren. The likelihood of unfair advantages is probably why many schools allow adults to assist with college essays.
This practice, however, results in a group test of the student, his parents, and any interested counselors or teachers.
2
I think there is another reason for the parent to report the tutor: to protect the child in case the tutor's practices become known. I'm surprised so readers say such practices are common. In college and law school we sometimes looked at old tests (available to anyone) to see what kind of questions a professor might ask. That is different from secretly providing questions obtained by "spies"; this tutor is cheating and possible stealing a spot from another child. Also, providing questions is as bad as providing answers; there are reasons these tests are monitored and timed.
23
You know, when it comes to the tutor he may actually be "overselling" what he has to offer. In quite a few tests of that nature, it isn't unheard of that questions on previous tests are disclosed. They are normally presented as being representative of what to expect. I think the tutor is trying to impress more than anything.
8
@egreshko These weren't past test questions, but current ones.
3
@egreshko
According to the article/letter, the questions are current. The tutor was cheating and asking his clients to cheat.
3
As a musician and now a writer, I have made my living as a tutor for many years, usually helping adults with their writing and Spanish language skills. I prefer working with adults because working with kids has so many ethical and social implications. You cannot pay me enough to take on the joyless duty of "teaching to the test" or the sad task of diplomatically explaining to a parent (without using the word "cheating") why I can't write their kid's college entrance essay. Even though many privileged kids have this advantage, I won't do it. Furthermore, I always have one needs-based student whose parents pay me but a quarter of my usual fee to do the same job I do for their wealthier peers. In my opinion, the parents in this case should not turn in the tutor. Stop engaging their services, throw away the provided essay questions, and move on. The inequality in test prep will not end until the greater social inequities in our society also end and we return to the option of a free public college education for all. Some of the greatest (and poorest) students of immigrants attended City College in New York City and provided our economy and culture with enormous advances that we still enjoy today. We must come to the logical conclusion that when we allow children to cheat the test, we are contributing to a system that cheats *all of us* out of advancing the truly best and brightest.
19
@Me
I agree that all students should have equal access to education and that it should be free. I also believe that this father should turn in this tutor and alert his employer and let the chips fall where they may. When I was in the 7th grade, someone I was friendly with in my small circle stole the midterm exam off of the French teacher's desk along with the answers. She told me what she had done and did I want to see the whole thing? She was from a very wealthy family, spoiled and a dumb bunny to boot. (Her parents wanted her to get into either Yale or Harvard and were expecting all A's all of a sudden.) I was shocked and asked my other friend what to do. It wouldn't have occurred to me to cheat and stealing a test with the answers from our loving, trusting French teacher really beyond the pale. The notion that I would join in the criminality of it really bothered me. I worked so hard in that class and was at the top grade-wise. I came from a very poor family, living with a single mom and three other siblings. I had a job as well, running my babysitting business. I have no idea exactly what transpired, but I do know her best friend told her own parents and there were some kind of consequences. I have been teaching now for 24 years with students all over the socioeconomic spectrum. This cheating mentality is far more common and organized with the students in leadership classes, athletes, class presidents, administrator's kids- the entitled class. Most teachers know this.
4
How sad that NYC uses a Specialized High School Admission Test. Tests measure only the education level and socioeconomic level of parents. Kids who are very bright but don't have parents who can provide all types of enrichment will most likely do poorly. Is this being fair?
A much better gage would be grades and recommendations by teachers who have worked with the child and knows their ability.
Cheating is what happens when the system is run by politicians who know nothing about education. Standardized tests of all types need to be abolished. Teachers know within a week who is above, average and below ability.
Testing brings money to the test companies and takes away from the necessities that public schools need: libraries, books & librarians; the arts; social workers; food for starving kids who are poor; help for parents with toddlers if they request help; medical care; nurses and most important SMALL CLASS SIZES! Use this wasted test money to hire more qualified teachers.
17
@Carol Ring: grades, in this era of grade-inflation, are next to meaningless in many cases, and can be wildly variable even within departments of the same school. Recommendations are useful but do not yield results that can be used for comparisons. Tests, if thoughtfully and consciously written and administered, can be very useful. Standardized tests fail when they try to, well, standardize a nonstandard population- for example, the half-million or so students in New York public schools. Yes, by all means invest in smaller class sizes, libraries and all the rest that you mention. You will undoubtedly improve the education of students. But these have no direct effect on the original question, which related to how one should better assign better students to better programs or schools. These suggestions may well give us better students. But they will not help us identify those students once it is time for them to advance.
6
@Carol Ring Well said. Many cities with exam schools concentrate counseling and free test prep in low income areas, and do not rely entirely on exam scores anyway. NYC does everything backward. The liberal gloss worn by its top politicians is barely skin deep.
Boston right now is fighting a suit by Asian parents who insist that the exam score should be the only criterion.
@SeverinWanderer. In addition, some teachers and principals are even more biased than standardized tests.
One principal told a teacher, “We don’t give that student ‘A’s’. That family never amounts to anything.”
2
My cousins recently found a half sibling through genetic testing. The man was conceived before my aunt and uncle married (my uncle was the father). Of the eight cousins, six joyfully received their new half brother and two refuse to have anything to do with him. My uncle is deceased so there were no repercussions for him. And my cousins were not the only one to joyfully accept this newcomer, I now count him as a much-loved cousin.
16
Lists of questions from previous exams are nothing new. I took the specialized high school exam in 1970 and was admitted to Bronx Science. I remember someone at my Junior High School handing out questions from previous tests to a room full of students.
What I find unethical about the actions of the tutor is telling you to not tell anyone. He was trying to give you the impression that what he was giving you was more special than it actually was.
4
@Mark Grand
From the article, it was indicating that the questions were from current tests, not past tests. There's a difference.
2
Is knowing the questions necessarily cheating? They aren't the answers. You still have to find out/learn the answers. Sure, some would already have the knowledge (probably from being extensively and expensively prepped), while others didn't but will now. Are they all answers with defined questions (eg math) or are the questions which require consideration(eg analysis of a text)? Is the speed with which one comes up with the answer (ie when seeing the question for the first time during test conditions) the mark of the quality of the student, or is the capacity to show a depth of thought more important? Perhaps the answer (to whether it is cheating) depends on knowing what the test is intended to find out.
3
@JeezLouise
Yes, it's definitely cheating! Why do you think they go to great lengths to keep test questions secret? If you know the specific questions, then you can target your test preparation precisely, and possible without the broad understanding that the test designers think they're testing for.
5
@JeezLouise If you know the question ahead of time and your competition does not, then you have an unfair advantage that can only be defined as cheating.
5
@Chuck in the Adirondacks if the subject matter involves specific tasks such as doing advanced , calculations; using formulas; involving processes such as Advanced calculus; physics; chemistry, then many times such exams use the same exact questions with slightly different numbers. It's then up to the student to prove that they recognize the question, and what's involved in solving such a problem step by step. Using logic; mathematics; and science. I know of plenty of questions that you could give to students and they couldn't solve the problem in a thousand years...and that's the sad thing.
1
LW2: Take some DNA tests. You were adopted as a child, you are now a parent, and you need to gather the medical history of your biological family to share with your children and to inform your parental decisions. If your half-sister or any other biological relatives take DNA tests with the same company, so be it. Your duty is to your children.
40
@Dee I agree that it's not the LW's fault if a DNA test outs her birth father and she should do it if she likes, but standard genealogy of the birth father's family can yield health information too. Depending on the location, death certificates of his ancestors may be available and may list a cause of death. Obituaries sometimes also list a cause of death, and old newspaper articles sometimes referred to health problems or hospital admissions.
4
@Shelly: All true, but not everyone has fulsome obituaries and not all biological relatives may be dead. LW's duty is to her child. A DNA test offers one-stop research. It is also possible to request privacy when getting the DNA results. For example, 23andme users can select the level of info they want to share on the 23andme website or with any newfound relatives.
2
@Dee You also can do the DNA tests without opting for the genealogy disclosure. This way, at least, you find out any genetic predisposition to known diseases and get the education as to your ethnic origins based on today's science.
1
Wrong answer on the adopted child's question. The child owes the bio dad nothing. He/she should contact siblings if and when he/she would like to do so.
24
While I appreciate that the letter writer's biological father has made no "covenant with eternity" in regards to the concealment of his personal history, I strongly disagree with the suggestion that the writer would be more in the right to contact her half-sister after his death than before.
While it may be true that that course of action would allow him an uncomplicated relationship with his younger daughter during his life, approaching her about it after his death will leave an indelible mark on her life that she is not able to process with her father. It is not fair to ask a third party to confront a complicated reality about someone she -- presumably -- loves and trusts only when they are no longer able to offer reassurance or explanation. The letter-writer is right to think that to do this would be unkind -- to everyone.
While I agree with The Ethicist's comment that aiding in the concealment of her biological parentage by not taking a DNA test is not the letter-writer's responsibility, it is also not her business or her right to upend someone else's life with unexpected news. It is just as likely that her biological half-sister would be distraught by these revelations as it is that she would be grateful for them, and the status quo is much less damaging, as it risks only the relationship of the letter-writer and her half-sister, not the relationship of the two women and the younger daughter and her father.
17
@carlin Not knowing what that father daughter reltionship is, seems everyone is painting an idealized version.
It does not seem kind to use the word “illegitimacy” where children are concerned. I was surprised to see that term used in this column.
33
@Seth Leopold: Yes, especially after the columnist noted that norms have changed. "extramarital sex and births..." or something of the sort would have been much better.
11
@Seth Leopold
Illegitimate, even if a passe term today, has a specific meaning. Just using the word in a column is no reason for condemnation. Its good we avoid using pejorative terms (now called being PC) but all the author was doing was pointing out that norms for that term have changed. E.g., Nazi is a not-so-nice term to call someone, but it would be like saying "....the people in WWII that murdered the Jews..." just to avoid the term in a history of the war.
3
LW2 may have other half siblings, so I would advise taking that DNA test.
10
The parent/writer absolutely should tell the tutor's name, and that tutor should be barred from tutoring. He or she is cheating clear and simple.
32
As usual, the ethicist has skirted the obvious ethical answer to the tutor giving out test questions. Report him or he will continue to assist in cheating on the exams.
Concerning the DNA test; don't take one. The first question is, how accurate are they? Why would she want a hundred relatives crawling out of the woodwork? She might also find that there are other surprises in the family tree which are best left hidden. Last but not least, you are entering yourself into a database which is being sold for unethical purposes. For all the money they are making from your information, they should be paying you to take the test. This isn't just a fun game, it has serious implications.
14
@S.L. I agree with you. I found out when I was 46 years-old that I was adopted. My friends still urge me to have testing done. I refuse to on the same grounds.
4
@S.L. Except for the usual risk of human error in processing of any test, DNA tests through major companies are highly accurate.
I am adoptee who has done this. I was happy to see that I was biologically related to anyone, which is something that someone who is not adopted likely can't understand. As for hundreds of relatives, I have been in contact with very few and nearly all of the initial contact was done by me. No one is required to have contact with anyone if they choose not to.
In my experience with doing genealogy for myself and others, every family tree has surprises. This is something any researcher, adopted or not, should have the sense to know is the case.
7
@S.L. she might also discover some information that was vital to her own health or decision-making.
When I called my birth father for the first time, I asked him a few questions that only he would know.
He replied, "Have I fathered a child that I don't know about?"
I hesitatingly answered, "Um...maybe."
He asked me hold for a second and then I could hear him say his two son's names and then, "Your sister's on the phone!".
He had told them long ago that there was a sister out there somewhere. He was overjoyed that I had contacted him.
Many years later, I consider my half-brother Stephen one of my best friends.
91
@Aliza Burton
This brought tears to my eyes...how beautiful to receive such a warm welcome to your new family!
21
@Aliza Burton
I very recently found out that I have two brothers. One had been looking for me for years! He was told not to contact me 12 years ago by a cousin I hardly know, as it would be "too upsetting." The only reason I found out is that this cousin contacted me through Ancestry. I called her, and then she blurted it out. Better late than never although I still have some anger about not being told this deep, dark, family secret. This brother is really cool, loving, smart and I marvel at how we think alike and have so much in common. I will be visiting for the first time next month and we are both excited at the prospect. He is 63 and I am 61 and my mother had him out-of-wedlock and was sent away to some nunnery to have him. Such was the stigma for women at the time. My poor dearly-departed mother. I'm elated, however.
11
@Aliza Burton I know other stories like yours. Times have changed. We are all longing for connection. I would not turn away from the possibility. If it were me, I'd want to know while he's alive, not after he's dead, unable to speak to him.
5
It's my considered belief and conviction that Socrates was required to disclose and dialogue with his students the full extent of his discoveries so that he might provide them with the benefit of his intellect and modus.
It's not likely that Plato would have disagreed since his only claim to fame was his system of thought developed generously through at least in part by their intimate intellectual and personal relationship.
AIt's not likely that there was any exclusivity to the representations which Plato may have made to his acolytes although an exhaustive credit and disclosure is not consistent with reality.
Similarly, the tutor may very well have cause to pass on his information as example of questions known to have been historically present in examinations. This is totally the method by which other courses such as preparation to take the SAT or the Bar Exams.
And, frankly, you hold yourself up as the authority who should share his learning in the process of giving advise. Or perhaps you think you are just doing the best job you can.
In this hypothetical question the son's father or other parent seems to be looking for a reason to out the tutor who was trying to do his job. It would be so stupid for the examining board to use the same old dusty interrogatives as if the exam was ancient.
But the parent may be under the impression that by muddying the waters the son would have the competition weeded out. Beware the goat who bleats the loudest.
5
@Frank Correnti From the sound of the letter, it does not seem at all like the writer is trying to “muddy the waters.“
It’s interesting that you think so.
Ba-aa-aa, ba-aa-aa
2
please, you can find the answers to any test out there on the internet.. just search.. for example, I was taking a Linux exam, and the day before I discovered a "brain dump" which contained the exact questions and answers that were on the test.. determined not worthwhile to continue the certification because it was just a memorization thing then
1
“But we should still try to respect past agreements — even ones we might wonder at today. “ But, the letter writer was not a party to the agreement that her adoption be closed. She is in no way bound by an agreement that others made about her, an agreement likely made for the convenience of the adults involved. Obviously, the father is free to decline to have a relationship with her now. He is not free to control her relationship with anyone else. She has a sister, cousins, aunts and uncles she can meet, and generations of ancestors she can research. These are her family.
34
@M.R. Sullivan. My thoughts exactly.
To the adopted person who is questioning whether to contact the half-sister:
As my sainted Ma always used to say, 'Just because something can be done, doesn't mean it should be done.'
Your bio-dad's relationship with his daughter is his business; it's between them and them alone. He has requested, quite strongly, that you not be a part of his life. He doesn't want to know you. Your insistence of being a part of his life via your half-sibling doesn't override that.
Once he's gone, he loses that right, it's true. I still don't understand why you feel the need to insert yourself into this person's life. What do you hope to gain? Qui bono?
15
@Susan Every adoptee goes to the doctor and likely has to answer "I don't know" to the inevitable family history questions.
There are insurance companies that won't pay for genetic testing (e.g. BRCA gene) unless there is a known family history. The half-biological-sister could be the only one to provide that once the father is gone.
Also, I assume you spent your life seeing biological relatives and having a known family history. Those of us who are adopted have not. She hopes to gain what you likely take for granted.
8
@Susan M.R. Sullivan makes a good point. She has a right to know who her ancestors are and if her father’s other children are willing, to get to know them.
The father might prefer that it’s just his business, but he fathered a child. He doesn’t get to pretend that that just didn’t happen. That is a lie. PS. I am an only child. I would be thrilled to find out I had a sibling somewhere.
1
@Susan
Just for future use, it's "Cui bono?" -- to whom is it a benefit? Sorry to be a pedant.
2
I do not believe the tutor story. I think someone who is against selection by testing made it up as a way to generate more sentiment against testing.
4
Dear Mr. Appiah,
Both you & the parent frame the issue around whether s/he should remain anonymous when reporting it, and whether or not to withhold the tutor's identity.
I don't know why it didn't occur to the boy's parent to let the tutor know of his disapproval. Since you didn't raise or address that aspect, should I assume it hadn't occurred to you either?
In addition to the dilemma about how to report the transgression, anonymously or not, you both treat it without dimension or complexity, & omit an important aspect.
Even a tutor can use an education. By no means am I defending unethical behavior or suggesting he doesn't know it's wrong, but can see how he thinks he's a parent's delight/a family's ally/is doing them a big favor they'll appreciate. And, indeed, many a parent might.
That in no way justifies the tutor's action but it shows how mores, patterns, & frames of reference often are tied to situational norms. We don't know how many other tutors do the same thing.
I think a discussion with the tutor is appropriate & the correct thing to do. That doesn't eliminate also reporting him. It does, however, push the parent to confront his/her own usual and customary way of interacting.
My main takeaway from this query & your response is this--we all have our limitations & constricted ways of conceptualizing/approaching situations that have less to do with the issue at hand and more to do with our own modus operandi in general.
N'est-ce pas?
13
The ethical issues involving the “purloined” questions from the high-school’s admission test seem to be complicated by the laxity of the school itself in not changing the questions from sitting to sitting.
Does the school require candidates explicitly to promise not to reveal questions? If not, can this be considered implicit? Are measures taken by the school to prevent copying, as by iPhone photography?
If the school, in effect, is, even through neglect, an accessory to the publicising its questions, it is obvious that some publicity will occur. Let us assume that high ethical standards would nevertheless preclude using the information. But how aggravated should we consider the ethical violation committed by those who do use it,– say, a friend of someone who has already taken the test?
3
I don’t think the adoptee is under any obligation not to contact the half sister, but telling her would have an impact on the relationship with the biological father. The best thing to do would be for her to tell the bio dad that she has reconsidered now that she has a child and she would really like to contact the half sister. Give him the opportunity to talk with the half sister and explain it to her. But she has to be prepared for the possibility that it will turn out badly and the bio dad will be angry and cut off contact or the half sister will be angry and will want a relationship. It might also end well and she’ll gain a sister and aunt for her child.
I am on 23andme and was contacted by some genetic relatives who are adoptees. I gave them what information I have, which seems only fair. But I’ve also found that merely sharing DNA with someone doesn’t usually add up to a family relationship.
21
@Bookworm8571 considering many poor relationships among those we know to be blood relatives not sure I would want to locate unknown ones!
3
I believe my biological parents, long ago ,lost the right to tell me who I could communicate with as an adult. While it’s agreed I don’t have any right to a relationship with biological relatives....I do have right to know my story,origins, medical history.
Adult adoptees are so weary of being treated like children.
77
@kathy
Agree! And the decisions by strangers to lecture adoptees about "real parents" vs. "sperm donors" are particularly offensive, imho.
18
I wonder if LW 1 has considered the following?
She said she has not shared the cheat sheet, or the existence of it with her son, and won't do so. Good for her so far.
Her son is going into high school, so I guess he would be anywhere from 12 to 14.
Children that age start to question received wisdom, or at least we hope they do; and are starting to develop their own set of moral standards. If they are not questioning, I worry about them.
I think LW1 should share this information with her son, tell him that she will disclose this information to the proper authorities, whatever they might be.
Possible responses from son?
1) Mom give me the sheet! I really need it to get into that/those schools! Don't tell anybody!
2) What?
3) Do all the other test takers have that cheat sheet?
4) I don't need it, I can pass the test on my own.
5) Leave me alone! I hate all this anyway!
And maybe some others, depends on the kid.
This is a really valuable teaching moment for this mother, and it is a learning opportunity for them both too.
How the boy responds will say a lot about if she has managed to pass on her own ethical values, and allow them to discuss the moral dilemmas. It will give both an opportunity to discuss how they see the world.
It will let him know that the world is even more unfair than he thought (I have a tutor and other kids don't, and my tutor cheats), and that is a good thing to know.
I can see some really good conversations coming out of this.
25
It is possible to take a DNA test to find out about ancestry and health and opt out of being matched with relatives so no need to completely avoid DNA tests.
12
@Kim-Yes! At least with 23amdme.
2
You should report the tutor. Just because it's common doesn't make it okay.
20
LW1 should report the tutor who was providing exam questions. A failure to do so makes LW1 complicit in his cheating.
It is likely that the tutor is "well-regarded" because the great majority of those students whom he has tutored have passed the SHSAT. The "expensive" rate that the tutor charges may help pay his legal expenses after he is reported for cheating.
When I was in high school in 1958, the New York State Regent's Exam in Physics was much more difficult than in prior years. A number of the Physics students in my class stated that our teacher had come to their homes, told them that they had failed the exam, and gave them blank copies to the exam to retake at home so they could pass. Since the teacher was evaluated by the success rate for students passing the Regent's Exam, his motivation was keeping his job. But that doesn't excuse cheating to do so. The teacher was not reported but I wonder what the school system would have done if he had been....
8
@Pete Precisely. The tutor is charging for the illegal acts. She should have reported it immediately. Also, notice he is not helping the student directly, which is what he is paid for, but enlisting the parent as an accomplice. It is proof of his inability to do his proper job.
6
As the parent of a NYC public high school student, the first letter is unsurprising. One of the reasons we were grateful for the SHSAT admissions process was because the admissions process for the other elite screened high schools seemed so easily gamed by parents with money and connections. We were aware that copies of admissions tests for at least three of the screened, non-SHSAT schools were out there. We chose not to play; our kid studied for the SHSAT and was admitted to one of those schools, was not offered admission to the first choice screened school.
It's not just high school, either: the G&T admissions process for four-year-olds is possibly even more dependent on the ability of parents either to pay for tutoring or to game the exam, as the letter writer here suggests is happening at the high school level.
The solution is obviously to improve ALL schools. I feel for parents who are faced with these choices, with a mayor and schools chancellor who prefer sensationalist headlines to discussions about how to achieve academic excellence for all students.
47
"You made the correct decision when you accepted your birth father’s choice not to get to know you." In what sense was this "correct"? The un-acknowledged (now adult-aged) child was faced with more rejection (first the adoption and then the dad "declined to meet") and she was essentially asked to keep a major secret from other people. It not clear from the writer's wording that she really agreed with his request; she merely "accepted" his decision. Yet Appiah says it's best to "respect past agreements", as if the writer had any real input or agreement with her birth father's decision. Appiah also says "any reputational harm [to the dad] would not be un-kind...." But why is he even thinking that this man's reputation is an issue? Hasn't he harmed his own reputation by putting later birth children's feelings above those of his adopted-away child, rejecting the adopted-away child, and asking her to keep secrets?
64
@Kay Day adoptees are inconvenient people from conception forward. We're told to smile and keep our mouths shut, I'm used to it from family members but when folks outside the triad do it it's esp. offensive. The advice given was terrible imo.
35
@Jo M
Agree!
And I wish the word "triad" would disappear. There are four sides to the stories: the baby, the parents of the baby, the adopting parents, AND the agencies/lawyers/doctors who arrange (and profit from) adoptions.
7
Exactly, the secret to be kept is the father’s decision for himself. He cannot force this on his daughter who should be able to decide for herself in this matter. It was his ‘action’ that put him in this situation; no need to drag other people (daughter) into this.
11
Not turning in the dishonest tutor will assure that he does this again. It extends the atmosphere of toleration of cheating, the belief that everyone else does it. or would if they could get away with it.
The world IS unfair, and the game may be fixed, but we can register our own integrity, and hope that it can influence others.
54
LW2's obligation is to himself. As, his father clearly thought of himself. Writer should do as he pleases. Exposing facts is just exposing facts.
19
Ethics aside, how do you even know if the questions that the tutor is passing on are accurate and up-to-date. While most tests repeat questions, you can't ever really be sure. Just study and prepare. If my child was still being tutored , I would change tutors.
8
Never understood the need to tutor to get into a school or prepare for a test. Seems like cheating - if you don't have the knowledge by then....
6
Please report the tutor to anybody who will listen. There are plenty of hard working, ethical tutors out there, and immoral and grossly unprofessional behavior like this gives them a bad name.
32
The tutor did what he did in order to help your son.
Whether your son did, or did not, benefit from the questions, is secondary. Drop the thoughts of reporting the tutor, let the dogs lie, and think of the decline of education on all fronts.
3
I learned through DNA testing that my dad is not my DNA Father. And apparently nobody knew this. I have not told my dad, and never will. I asked my mother, and after some long thought, she realized how it could be, and she gave me an incorrect name of this DNA Father. But I was able to find him, although he passed away a few years ago. However, he had two children a few years older than me. The son passed away a few years ago, and so I have a half-sister who is living.
I've left my DNA matches "public" on Ancestry.com, in case she also has a test and finds me as a match. But this also leaves it open to her children or other relatives noticing me if they have testing. I'm torn, though, about this. I truly do not want a relationship with her. I do not want to risk my dad, who raised me, finding out. He is a very, VERY anxious person, and will fret about this for the rest of his life if he knows. (He also took a DNA test, and I had to take advantage of the fact that he's legally blind in order to lie to him about the results.) While I do not want a relationship at all with the half-sister, I do have a couple of questions that she MIGHT be able to answer, in order for me to tie up a couple of loose ends in this story of how he met my mother.
But how ethical is it for me to say "hey, sister, thanks for the info.....don't ever contact me, again. Pretend this never happened."
18
@JP I admire your concern for your father. He is very lucky to have you.
But I am confused about your final question. I don’t think ethics has anything to do with your possible response to your half-sister - you don’t know her, weren’t raised with her, and do not owe her anything - but I wonder why you feel this way? She certainly has not been responsible in any way for the situation, and if it were me, I would be delighted to have a new sister!
May be you are reacting to the knowledge that you are not *your* father’s biological daughter, and that she is?
4
The parent should inform the tutor that the questions offered constitute cheating. The parent should simply acknowledge being "caught off guard" and thus initially taking the questions. But the tutor needs to be told point blank by a client that his/her methods are appalling. The parent should tell the school too, because the tutor likely has recruiting relationships there. Finally, the parent should let the testing organization know. This type of tutor ruins genuine tutoring for others and does serious damage to the system.
25
"And the problems of unfairness in educational opportunities aren’t best solved on the backs of your own children."
Then how you propose these problems be solved - or do yo u propose they endure forevermore, so that no back saved stress by race or class privilege come to share a portion of the burden?
It's abundantly clear that the continued segregation of our public schools provides inequitable advantages to the comfortable while erecting further barriers to the rest of us. Further, it robs all of us of the benefit of a diverse society in which we benefit from a multiplicity of perspectives and backgrounds.
If we value fairness and believe that diversity is strength, we will need to desegregate our schools. Someone's children may lose some small advantage they've received not through effort or merit, but through the accident of birth. If we demand that no child fail to benefit from their family's privilege, we accept that others be harmed so that racism and class bias can maintain their power.
25
@Jennifer
There is no obligation for any one person to sacrifice themselves when the net result will be no difference in the system yet hobbling them and/or their children.
Your comment reminds me of the chorus of thoughtless individuals who screamed at Warren Buffet when he complained about the injustice of his secretary paying a higher marginal tax rate than he did. Their advice was for him to pay more taxes if he was so concerned. Why was it bad advice? Because his doing so would be an utter act of futility when the system would go on being rigged in favor of the uberweatlhy.
Here, the writer's child would go on existing in a world where privilege matters, but entering a vital period in their lives several steps down where they potentially could be.
I congratulate NW for caring enough to spend time and thought on this problem, as should you.
13
@Clotario There is an obligation for *every* person to take on the responsibility to correct injustices. Perhaps if more people did that, there would be fewer injustices.
1
Professor Appiah: The response to LW 1 is disappointing. Rather than a rigorous ethical analysis of educational advantage, it offers an apology that some are disadvantaged by parents' provision of 'morally permissible' advantages. If, as you say to LW 1, "the problems of unfairness in educational opportunities aren't best solved on the backs of your own children," then the middle class can be morally excused with a clear conscience. Education writer Jonathan Kozol, author of books like "Savage Inequalities" and "The Night is Dark and I am Far from Home" was perhaps better than anyone at challenging the middle class to take a good hard look at the ethics of providing so-called "morally permissible" advantages. He wasn't willing to let the middle class off the hook.
18
@A. Stoddard
Obviously the only 'morally permissible' stance for a middle-class parent to take is to mimic the indicia of the cycle of poverty in their households. The new rulebook for the woke parent will be drug use, addiction, financial instability, homelessness and/or moving frequently, living in marginal neighborhoods, overcrowding at home, domestic violence, child abuse, food insecurity, absent parents. Also, these inconsiderate middle-class parents have to stop reading to their children! And bedtimes? Who needs them? You should be ashamed of this wild abuse of your unearned privilege!
To do any less would be an unforgivable failure to challenge their children's educational advantages!
And so on. The irony through all of this is that the crisis with diversity at NYC's prestigious specialized high schools was not brought on by upper class white folk, but by fairly working class asians. Despite being at a disadvantage financially, they figured out a route to success for their children to the point that they now represent the overwhelming majority of the population of Stuyvesant -- arguably the most prestigious of the best schools. (If I recall the numbers correctly, 43% of Stuy students were eligible for free lunches, a rough indicator of the very non-middle class nature of their students).
No, no individual parent must immolate their children in order to live an ethical life. Also, financial poverty does not need to doom children to intellectual poverty.
13
@Clotario
As the single mother of a mixed race (Black, not Chinese) child who made Stuyvesant without any tutoring, I would characterize your rant about the cycle of poverty as offensive and implicitly racist.
I clearly remember the parents who asked during the seminar offered by the school on college financial aid how they could ‘hide’ the existence of their second house on the FAFSA form to maximize their child’s chances of getting assistance. At the time I was a renter. I assume they represented the attitudes (and ethics) of those middle class families who take advantage of their ability to pay for exam tutoring while believing that their children’s success is due to all that bedtime reading.
12
@Kate
The point of my 'rant' was to indicate the slippery slope of the position advocated by the original poster. If one cannot be excused for getting a tutor for your child, what else? If the original poster and yourself want us to all be on equal footing with education, which starts in the home, we need to go to lowest common denominator. If we are talking about the money/education connection, we have to identify what that connection entails. And if a substantial percentage of Stuy kids are not of means (Free lunch = less than $32000 per year for a family of four), then the connection is far from absolute and screaming about middle-class privilege is simple minded.
I find it deeply offensive that you consider having a mixed race child (black; certainly not Chinese, just to be clear) makes you an authority on poverty and privileged to call me a racist. Is there not such a thing as the cycle of poverty and the elements that perpetuate it? And you're saying my point about how Stuy's population is not all rich people is somehow moot because...some are wealthy and want to pay as little as they can for college? Ok!
And yes, reading to your children makes all the difference in the world.
1
I was facing LW 2's dilemma, as an adopted person that one birthparent never acknowledged - the other wanted to keep my existence a secret from 3 half siblings. In the first case, I contacted the half sibling - she had never known and wasn't pleased, although tried to put a brave face on it. We met two or three times and that was it. The other siblings on the other parent's side found out about me without my intervention. The Ethicist underestimates the degree to which being the secret sibling raises a genuine ethical dilemma, as it is surely more desirable for the kept siblings to come to terms with the concealed sibling while the parent is still alive (these secrets usually come out in the end anyway).
The secrecy and closed records aspect of the adoption was concluded, having a major impact on my life, when I was a mere infant. It's partially why many adoptees feel little more than bonded servants while they are living under constraints they themselves never consented to.
It is not a good feeling knowing your existence was wiped out of the record of your (genetic) parents' life. LW2's letter touches on the inherent unfairness in closed adoptions, and the inherent right to take her place on her genetic relatives' family tree.
53
"living under constraints they themselves never consented to" - the human condition.
31
@Roger
It's not the "human condition" to be denied access to records that other humans, including court clerks and social workers, can look at.
And it's not the human condition to be lied to about the names of your parents and ancestors.
Why the need to deny/minimize the well-documented results of adoption on its victims?
20
@Roger There are conditions and there are conditions. Human bondage is another condition. That doesn't make it desirable. PS I'm sure you always knew what your medical history was. Spare a thought for those who have no clue
7
There are also websites where parents can buy packages that include questions very like those on IQ tests, so they can slip their barely above-average kids (or even average kids) into gifted and talented school programs.
Of course, they often succeed. At least, the parents do. They get "My kid's in the Gifted Program!" Bragging rights.
Meanwhile, the kid is floundering in class with genuinely gifted kids. Wondering why the work's so much harder for him or her than for everyone else. Despairing. Assuming something must be wrong with them.
Nope. Something's wrong with their parents.
16
There are clear benefits to having a sibling or half sibling - what if either of them needs a donation, say kidney, bone marrow etc for transplantation? Family history of disease too, whether mental or physical.
At worst a refusal, at best a rapport and and maybe more.
I say notify dad and contact the sibling who can then make their own decision.
25
@Sza-Sza,
I don't think a suddenly found sibling or half sibling can be counted on being ready to donate a kidney.
12
I don't think it's fair to suggest that LW2 should not be able to contact their half sister because of their biological father's wishes. The writer did not ask to be adopted, and they have a right to at least try to have a relationship with their half-sibling. It would be, in my opinion, unethical for the father to try to prevent this.
60
That a person may discover a half-sibling through a genetic or genealogical service does not necessarily reveal any of the father's secrets, let alone the identity of the father (or his identical twin, perhaps hitherto unknown).
It's a rare adult male that could 100% guarantee no unknown offspring walk the earth. And if parents wanted to give up for adoption an identical twin boy and never mention it to the boy they kept, there's no way either boy could explain the existence of their genetic offspring.
3
@Sam I Am
I don't think it's as rare as you suggest for a man to be certain he doesn't have any unknown children. Even if he "gets around" and doesn't stay with his partners for months after the last instance, he will often come across her again (be it on social media, overlapping friend groups, wherever they met in the first place, etc.). That said, there are still many men who can not be so sure
5
@John
"I don't think it's as rare as you suggest for a man to be certain he doesn't have any unknown children."
The scenario where a man has children he doesn't know about is based on the idea that a man must have slept with women whom he did not see afterwards, at least not on a regular basis during the nine months after he slept with her.
If a man remembers everyone he ever slept with, and in all cases he saw them on a regular enough basis in the ensuing nine months that he would have had to know about it if they were pregnant - and none of them were - then he can be pretty sure he doesn't have any children he doesn't know about.
And of course, believe it or not there are men who only sleep with their wives … they too can be certain they don't have children they don't know about!
2
@DW
I get the scenario. I'm just saying that it's not as rare as Sam I Am suggested
Please immediately correct the broad statement that "accepting a byproduct of an action is different than pursuing an action intended to bring about that consequence." Any consequence that is certain or known to be highly likely to result from an action, is indeed intended. The actor cannot escape legal or moral responsibility for that consequence on the grounds that it was not a primary motive. For example, voting for a racist candidate, for whatever reason, is still an intentional endorsement of racism.
10
@CEC
I disagree with your broad statement of anticipated consequences being intended. Expected and intended are NOT the same. We don't live in a world where we can avoid unintended consequences. You are, however, still responsible for unintended but expected consequences. You can be responsible for unexpected, unintended consequences, too.
Since you brought it up, I'd say this is especially true in politics, where voters must choose between two imperfect candidates who are each a package of positions and attributes. Maybe for a few people (depending on how many issues and how independents such issues are), the candidate really lines up perfectly with the voter. For many of the others, they just fall into place per the party line. For the rest of us, it's usually a choice between bad and worse - which by your standard is an intentional endorsement of something with which we disagree. And for what it's worth, if I'm reading between the lines correctly, I didn't vote for the racist candidate (nor could I vote for the opponent).
2
@John Perhaps the slogan from an old NYC anti-littering campaign, “every litter that helps,“ might be applied here. You should not readily absolve yourself of the responsibility for the situation in which we now find ourselves - the moral, social, environmental and economic distruction of this country.
1
@John Perhaps the slogan from an old NYC anti-littering campaign, “every litter bit helps,“ might be applied here. You should not readily absolve yourself of the responsibility for the situation in which we now find ourselves - the moral, social, environmental and economic distruction of this country.
1
Name the tutor so the school can track down the problem faster and with more specificity. "Test thieves" are not a legitimate stakeholder in the system.
To quote Dr. King, "No lie can live forever." Your goal is to get your child a good career, and the likelihood they are even in college before this scheme is exposed is extremely small. It would be a shame to set them up for having their college admissions limited, delayed or asterisked by a cheating scandal getting them into a specific high school.
5
LW 2, feel free to reach out to your half sibling as long as they're an adult. As the relinquished child you had zero choice or control over your life and thus owe nobody any allegiance (other than yourself). However you do deserve to know your heritage and just because your father decided against getting to know you doesn't change that fact. You may be pleasantly surprised by making a friend for life, who you find you have more in common than you ever expected.
Note to advisor implying that open adoption is superior-open adoptions today are as awful as closed adoptions of yesterday. They're not legally enforceable for bio parent(s) wanting to know their relinquished child as they grow up, adoptive parents use them as bait to get mothers to relinquish then yank them as soon as they feel uncomfortable, for the flimsiest reasons. Being active in several adoption groups I can confidently say the mothers are used and lied to routinely then shut out and threatened if they dare want to see or even get photos of their child.
So LW 2, do try to get to know your sibling. Any problems resulting with father are of his own creation.
16
@Jo M The half-sibling is as innocent as the LW. How ethical is it to blind-side her?
10
@Jo M
You probably already know this but in case others do not - the reason why mothers are not offered this critical information (that open adoption is not legally enforceable), then they won't relinquish. Definitely not ethical.
7
I found the answer to LW2 to be well considered and thought provoking, although I take issue with the idea that it might be better not to contact the half sister while alive so as not to 'seriously disrupt a relationship you know nothing about.'
That's completely true, but it's worse for that relationship to be disrupted when one party is dead and there is no chance for repair. This happened in my own family - a half sibling given up in a closed adoption came out of nowhere after the biological parents were dead. We were all blindsided, the damage was done anyway, and everyone involved was left feeling that they had never known their parents. As painful as it would have been, it would have been so much better for that to happen while the bio parent was alive and able to explain, answer questions, and repair the relationship. Once they're dead all you have are lies and a lack of answers.
LW2, I don't know what you should do. You could gain a meaningful relationship with a half sibling, or it could go very badly - there's no way to know in advance. But whatever you choose, please make your choice before your biological father dies, and then stick to it after his death. It's a lot more hurtful to have urgent questions for a dead person.
39
The woman who is holding back on taking DNA tests so she doesn't out the source of the sperm that fertilized the egg from her birth mother is being silly and, perhaps, foolhardy. I took one of those DNA tests to find out some information about my ancient past. I was stunned to discover a very close match that could only mean my uncle fathered a son 2 years older than me.
Sadly, the son died of pancreatic cancer less than 2 years ago at the very same age our grandfather died of pancreatic cancer, and my uncle died in his 40s of brain cancer. I've received conflicting information on whether there's a genetic component to pancreatic cancer. But, I'm glad to know this information and so is my cousin's son - who we have welcomed with open arms.
17
It is important to distinguish between "father" and "biological father". Father is the person who raised you, loved you through thick and thin and taught you how to be a person. The biological father was a sperm donor. There is a distinct difference. People who want to assume that other half-siblings would want to know about them and consider them "family" are pretty presumptive. Your family are the people who love you and who you love. Sometimes you share dna with your family sometimes you don't. I have families made up of both. The emphasis on people searching out their dna related family members is something we should stop insisting is so important. It is meaningless in the scheme of things.
18
Emily - I think we should leave the question of what is important to those directly involved. It's being meaningless to you has no bearing on how others may feel about it.
30
@emily
Sez you. For victims of the adoption racket, knowing who their real parents and real ancestors were is not "meaningless." It is a right and profoundly important.
24
@emily as an adoptee, I emphatically disagree with your statement that searching out blood family members through DNA is unimportant - both for medical and emotional reasons. I am glad that you seem to be happy in who and what you are - but many adoptees are not. They want to know who and what they came from and new DNA tests are a way to do that.
I've met my birth families and I am glad that I did. My adoptive brother also met his birth father's family and is glad that he did as well. There is a sense of the circle closing when you know where and who you came from as opposed to your adoptive parents, who, while they may love you very much, you can't share a family tree with, no matter how lovingly you are grafted on to it.
24
Strong disagreement on the adoption question. Unless everyone involved in this "closed" adoption had the consent of the infant (ha!) then she is under no obligation whatsoever to honor a contract she was not a party to.
Wrong answer, ethicist.
56
Dr. Appiah, for LW2 how are we sure that the reputational harm wouldn't be considered unkind? Perhaps his family or friends are part of a culture that values this honor and would prefer that others don't know about LW2. Perhaps they value the vow itself that she made. Perhaps they believe such dishonor to the deceased is even greater.
Shouldn't we assume that he might have good reason, beyond his individual feeling of shame, to request her silence?
4
@Ari: "Reputational harm"? IF that's the case (and we don't know that it is!), the father should have thought about that a long time ago!
The father is either part of the culture-of-honor you've presumed for him, or else he acted well outside the bounds of that culture ... in which case he has earned any "reputational harm" that attaches to him.
8
@Ari Just above your comment, at this moment anyway, is one from sf, which reads as follows:
"Kwame is right. Every father has the right to control who his adult daughters communicate with. Especially any daughters he abandoned as infants."
Want to retract yours?
4
@Ari
If he had cared about the consequences of his actions, then he would have used a condom. His daughter is not bound by his unhappiness over having been found out.
6
Family tree: If your half-sister (or other child of your bio-dad) doesn't take the test, there will be no match. You should take the test for your own reasons.
12
@Marilyn Sue Michel There can be matches from birth father's siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins too. The secret could come out even if no child of the birth father tests.
1
LW #1 -
"...he gave me a handwritten paper, explaining that it was a copy of most of the test questions, which he got from “spies” he sent to take the exam. He asked me not to tell others about it. I was shocked and horrified and left with the test." --
BZZZZzzzz!!!
Oh - Sorry - Accepting the "cheat sheet" in the first place is patently unethical - rendering the rest of your question moot --
Ethically speaking - you should have refused to take the sheet - or immediately handed it back to the tutor - explaining that to do so would constitute cheating - which is - in fact - unethical --
And isn't that what this column is all about - ?
But thanks for playing...
4
@Howard G: If people behaved as they ought, there would be no need for this column.
I personally feel that the existence of this column is ample evidence that a great many people have been raised without strong internal ethical standards upon which they can rely in adulthood.
5
@Howard G
Accepting the "cheat sheet" is not unethical in and of itself. It is only unethical if it is used. Taking it and disposing of it is better than leaving it available (I know, copies can be made easily) The child taking the test did not get to see it, right?
4
@Howard G
On the other hand, if the father hadn't accepted the cheat sheet, he'd have a difficult time proving to the school administrators that the tutor ever offered it or even had it in his possession. So there's that.
5
The parent of the tutored child absolutely should turn in the tutor! This tutor is subverting an important exam, one that will tangibly affect the future of innocent children, for his own selfish greed. Turn him in, as a warning to others if nothing else. This is high stakes cheating, and the tutor should face consequences.
16
Kwame is right. Every father has the right to control who his adult daughters communicate with. Especially any daughters he abandoned as infants.
24
@sf as an adoptee, I vehemently disagree with you. I did not sign a paper giving away my rights. Neither did the half-sister.
I am so glad to have my half-sister (and half-brothers - from both sides!) in my life. They are also part of what makes me me.
11
@Aliza Burton
I agree with you wholeheartedly, (with a similar happy experience).
But I believe sf’s comment is meant to be satirical.
14
@Aliza Burton
I believe sf was being sarcastic..
Fellow adoptee:)
15
I have tutored. I will not let my students cheat. I will tell them how to "game" a test because it is a skill, talent or knack with which I was born. ¶ Validated test items are valuable. These questions have been subject to extensive analysis. The test makers/writers often release items that have failed validation and often the cause is so obvious that it is laughable. "Energy costs at the Santiago house rise according the the information found in the accompanying chart Fig.1). According to your analysis of Fig. 1, what is the most likely cause?" And the chart shows energy costs go up during a cold winter. A student in South Florida should not have to fill in the missing information, figure out that the Santiagos live in Chicago and it was a cold winter in order to answer the question.
3
@Michael Owen Sartin
These are multiple choice questions, right?
You don't think that a prospective high school student in South Florida should know about the existence, or is it the consequences, of winter in Chicago?
How provincial must we get to MAGA?
5
I am of the semi-serious opinion that studying is cheating when it comes to admission-type testing (and some other tests as well). Such tests should be a measure of the taker's general ability and aptitude, not a measure of preparation/short-term memory. For the results to be meaningful, they must be representative of the test taker.
That said, the test creators have an obligation to create a test that cannot be gamed by undesirable techniques.
9
More important then turning the tutor in (I think that has to be done) is finding out how the exam questions were leaked in the first place. If that is not done then the cheating will continue -- there are plenty of corrupt agents out there waiting to take advantage. The exam board and school names should be published, and they should have to go through an investigation and some public scrutiny. It is really disturbing to think that qualified students are being excluded because there is cheating.
5
@Malcolm
"he gave me a handwritten paper, explaining that it was a copy of most of the test questions, which he got from “spies” he sent to take the exam."
3
People that were adopted who are now tax-payer adults, have a civil rights problem already...they go through great lengths and pay more for their birth certificates. They're separate but equal. What does this have to do with Lw2? The concern that her identity is still being dictated by another tax-payer, who happens to be her bio dad. The question is when and how to contact her younger sibling. I suggest the contact be made when the younger sibling is 18. Then the two siblings can decide if they want to have a relationship with less chance of interference from bio dad. It goes without saying, they don't need to let bio dad know either unless he has a change of heart.
9
I work as an SHSAT tutor and I would strongly recommend that LW1 report the tutor in question to the parent coordinator at their child’s school. Tutors often form relationships with individuals in school administrations and rely on them to find new business. If this tutor is willing to help their students cheat, an act that harms both the system as a whole and the student they are “helping”, then the administration should know about it, so it can prevent him from doing more damage in the future.
If there is one thing that I hope students take away from work with me, more even than admission to a selective school, it’s the idea that work can lead to progress. Yes, admission tests are arbitrary barriers; so many of the obstacles that stand between us and what we want in life are. But if a young student can set a goal and then work to improve their skills to achieve that goal, whether or not that student gets into the school of their choice, they can take away a sense that they can work to achieve something and then succeed or fail on their own merits. This is a lesson I hope my students carry forward into their lives as adults.
Helping a student cheat inverts that dynamic. It teaches them that success is something they inherited, work is an option and the ethics of their actions are secondary to their own short term benefits. This too is a lesson students can carry into their adult lives and our society has far too many people who have learned this lesson already.
80
@Eric: "Tutors often form relationships with individuals in school administrations and rely on them to find new business."
If this is true, then turning in the tutor may or may not have the outcome than you imagine. What if the person in the school administration that the tutor relies on is getting kick-backs from the tutor, based on the tutor's "success record"? What if the person in the school administration is as unethical as the tutor is?
You are presuming the school administration person(s) are all upright and honest, and would be repelled by the tutor's actions. Did you consider that you might be wrong about that?
7
@Eric: "Tutors often form relationships with individuals in school administrations and rely on them to find new business."
If this is true, then turning in the tutor may or may not have the outcome than you imagine. What if the person in the school administration that the tutor relies on is getting kick-backs from the tutor, based on the tutor's "success record"? What if the person in the school administration is as unethical as the tutor is?
You are presuming that the school administration person(s) are all upright and honest, and would be repelled by the tutor's actions. Did you consider that you might be wrong about that?
2
@L
But he might be right. If he is wrong and the school administrators are also crooked, they will do nothing (or tell the tutor to be more careful). If he is right, they may stop referring students to the tutor—which is what the tutor deserves.
6
I disagree with the advice to the second LW, regarding contacting his half sister.
I agree that the father had a right to a closed adoption and a right now to request no further contact with his first child.
But his choice to keep this a secret from his family came with a risk of the secret becoming known decades later. It is now not his secret alone.
His earlier decision for secrecy does not bind these two adults to an agreement made when one was an infant and the other not yet born.
I feel for all parties: the children, the father, his wife and any other children - this will be a revelation. However, it is not a ruinous or shameful one, but a human one, with all it's complexities.
One thing that I believe is that significant family secrets affect everyone, even those who don't know that there is a secret.
73
It is very important for birth parents to share their family medical history with their children, even decades after their birth, even if they have never seen them.
Risk assessment for various diseases, including cancer, sometimes depend on family medical history. Everyone should insist (politely) on getting all the medical family history that is available. A young man died of colon cancer in our neighborhood because his family "didn't talk about family medical issues. " This meant that he didn't know about the family history of early colon cancer and he wasn't screened early. His cancer could have been prevented by early colonoscopy and removal of precancerous polyps. He left an 11 year old daughter, a 13 year old son and a devastated widow.
62
There is at least implied consent to finding out about all sorts of unexpected ancestral/genetic findings when voluntarily submitting DNA to one of the commercial companies. Anyone who does not wish to know about a previously unknown relative should not submit DNA for such testing.
That said, the possibility of such discoveries being made from genetic testing is not always thought about when making the decision to submit a specimen for testing. It would be really helpful if the testing services clearly explained in their consent process unexpected findings that are fairly likely to occur such as discovering relatives adopted out of the family or from outside of a parent’s known relationships.
1
What about the responsibility of these genetic analysis companies? One should be able to learn something (but certainly not everything--a complete analysis still costs $5K) about one's genetic makeup without allowing the company to divulge any information to another person.
6
@Leading Edge Boomer The test taker has an option not to share their information
An individual benefits from DNA testing with a check on potential predilection to genetic disease. Father's refusal to acknowledge indicates limited interaction - I'll bet the writer has no clue if her paternal grandmother had thyroid disease, her grandfather Type 2 diabetes, etc. DNA testing has actual benefits for this writer that, in my mind, outweigh the selfish benefit her father gets.
27
I already learn something by reading this column. Today the response to letter 2 was really great. A wonderful discussion of this complex issue, with ramifications to many other situations. Thanks!
34
It made me laugh how LW1 tried to absolve his own part in this entire crazy process - "With some ambivalence, I took him to a well-regarded (and expensive) tutor..."
As another poster said, the tutor should, "Lose his license", but my guess is that there is no license to lose. Any person can hang is hat on a shingle and call himself a tutor.
I would let the school know this is happening. I am not sure if I would name the tutor.
If the tutor is part of a larger company, I would report the tutor. If the tutor is a one-man shop, I'd call the tutor up and tell him I think what he is doing is shady and that I will not be promoting his business.
55
@Kelly. eh, I wouldn't be too hard on the parent. As a parent who also has a kid in a complicated public school system, I have been faced with many school decisions in which there is quite a bit of ambivalence. Our situation makes us feel as though we are often being asked to balance out our kid's needs with our community's, which aren't always aligned.
29
The biological father has the right to decide whether he wants a relationship with his biological/adopted out child. He does not have the right to decide whether his biological children have a relationship with one another. His adopted-out offspring is a person in his or her own right, not someone's secret to keep.
The adopted-out sibling should decide for him/herself whether to contact the biological sister and the biological sister can then decide whether or not to pursue a relationship. Once all of the offspring are adults, their relationships are their own.
138
@Other I think the adoptee's best and most ethical approach would be to tell the bio father that the LW is going to contact the half sister, and give the bio father the opportunity to disclose the existence of the older sibling first. If he chooses not to do so, there's no ethical issue with the older, adopted sibling contacting the younger half sister.
33
I recently had DNA testing to find out more about my ethnic background. That company, and I presume others, specifically allows you to dictate whether or not your information can be made "public" within the company's test results, i.e., furnishing your contact information to someone who appears to share significant portions of your DNA.
Of course, you are trusting them to adhere to your wishes.
29
LW! -Is the tutor trying to guarantee his own success rate by revealing exam questions? Is the tutor suggesting that, despite his efforts, your child doesn't have what it takes? In either case, the tutor should lose his license.
LW2's daughter is not involved in the bargain struck between the two fathers. The daughter of the elder father might consider the results an anomaly and not pursue the issue, or conversely, might have a suspicion of her own to confirm. In any case, LW2 is entitled to the genetic information of his mother and if info on his father becomes manifest, that's just the long-term consequence of an event long ago. The people who arranged the "closed adoption" kept their word 40 years ago, but LW2 is not bound by their promise, only his own promise not to contact his half-sister. If there were some clinical necessity for the genetic trail, this wouldn't be up for discussion.
7
@Delee It would be interesting to know how that tutor came to be 'well regarded', and by whom. I assume this is by word of mouth between parents, or perhaps school guidance staff are recommending him/her.
If so, one wonders if any of them knew about the cheat sheets?
2
@Jean
That may well be why the tutor is so well regarded. Most parents who employ such tutors to game the test are more concerned about results over method.
3
Perhaps DNA testing will help put an end to humanity's most enduring scourge: tribalism. Once your tribe includes so many different members it becomes harder to hate or dismiss them.
104
We recently learned via genetic testing that we have a cousin -- an African-American cousin, although our own background is Anglo-French.
I suspect that finding surprises in one's DNA will become more and more common, and keeping secrets will become more and more difficult.
81
@K D P
I certainly hope so. Secrets are usually cover some festering wound. It's healthy to be honest.
13
@K D PWe found a African-American cousin also. We are Swedish/Finnish/German/Norwegian. It is great to get to know her. She was adopted as a baby by a black family, and as luck would have it, had a better set of adoptive parents than the Caucasian mother who gave her up for adoption. Interestingly enough though, is that her son is on a full ride scholarship to an art college, with talent he inherited from his biological white grandmother that he never knew.
22
@rae ann I hope he enjoys finding out where his talent was in an ancestor, and I hope that there remains some of her work that he can see.
8